#anyway i don't think i really count as disabled because the medication that works for me works really well and i'm pretty pain free

[moonmoonthecrabking]

disability pride month aka pride month 2: ouchie boogaloo

[celiaelise]

So my dad and stepmom have been watching "Love On The Spectrum", and I ended up watching a couple episodes with them.

The show is fine, idk, I don't really have thoughts on it right now. What I DO have thoughts on is how my father responds to it.

He always spoke about the people on the show as such an Other! Now, let me be clear. No one in my family is diagnosed with autism. However, I strongly suspect most, if not all, of us have it, and my dad's the person who I have the least doubts about. (with myself being second) Also to be clear, I have not voiced this suspicion to my father.

He KNOWS he resembles an autistic person, and has been told so by more than one third party! But he seems to think people who are "successful" don't count, or whatever. (Which, I suppose if we're going by the very strict medical definition of "a disorder", could be seen as true.)

But when I pointed out that one of the autistic people on the show doesn't seem to have enough information on a topic, and say, "someone should have explained this to him!" my dad says, "they do explain it to them, but they don't seem to be able to conceptualize romance and relationships the way we do." Like, excuse me, who's "we"?? You KNOW I'm 28 and have NEVER been on a date; the same age OR OLDER as some of the people on the show whose lack of romantic experience is being portrayed as remarkable.

An autistic man goes on a date with a woman who tells him she's a pre-K teacher, and my dad goes, "oh! so she's not also autistic." (I worked as a teacher at daycare/preschool for four years.) And then expresses that he'd been wondering if it's even moral or appropriate for someone without autism to be in a relationship with someone autistic. I remind him that one of my friends, whose years-long relationship my father is aware of, has autism, and their partner doesn't. (I don't remind my father that he, himself, appears to be an autistic man in a relationship with a nuerotypical woman.)

My father tries to correct himself, without having the specific vocabulary to, that he means people like in the show, who live with their parents at the age of thirty. "Physically they're capable of taking care of themselves, so, y'know, there must be some kind of mental problem." I don't point out that I, myself, will turn 29 in a couple months, and, though I do live alone in my apartment, I receive a pretty significant amount of support, financially and otherwise, from both my parents. He maybe doesn't understand just how bad I am at "taking care of myself" l am, even aside from the money.

Perhaps he doesn't know that I can't even walk through my space normally because there's so much stuff everywhere, that I only shower every other day and I'm doing well to brush my teeth twice a week, that I can barely keep myself fed and never cook, or that I'm currently struggling not to get fired over being late because I struggle to process the linear passage of time. Not to mention that I need an entire armada of medications every day just to function at THIS level!!

Honestly I've lately been considering the possibility that I might never free myself from my parents' support, what that would mean and what it would look like. Because sometimes I'm like, "Wow I really AM disabled", and even doing my current job, (which is easy, and full of autistic people) seems like a huge challenge.

So, anyway, idk. I related more to the people on the show than my dad seems willing to recognize, and that doesn't feel great. Plus, like, even if I'm wrong, and we AREN'T autistic, what benefit is there to distancing ourselves from autistic people??? From being like, "they're NOTHING like ME."?

[can-of-pringles]

Details about OCs for Eliška please!

💭🩹💤🔶🐈🐉🤍🍛😥👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

Thank you!

💭 THOUGHT BALLOON — what is your oc's MBTI, enneagram, and/or other personality aspects (if known/interested in)?

I actually haven't done any personality tests for her yet like I usually do... but I can at least say she's an introvert.

🩹 ADHESIVE BANDAGE — does your oc have any physical and/or mental disabilities?

Physical disabilities not that I can think of unless you count her powers/side effects of powers being similar to chronic pain. She is neurodivergent.

💤 SLEEPING SIGN — is your oc a light sleeper or a heavy sleeper? how are their sleeping habits?

Light sleeper for sure. She learned and adapted to being a light sleeper after everything she's gone through, so for survival reasons. I'd say the only time she's able to deeply sleep is either her body is so extremely exhausted she has no choice, or if she feels genuinely safe.

🔶 LARGE ORANGE DIAMOND — does your oc know cpr? do they have any other medical expertise?

Officially no, doesn't know CPR. She only knows stuff she's heard. She's good at wrapping and dressing wounds because of her hands.

🐈 CAT — does your oc prefer a wide circle of friends or a few close friends?

A few close friends.

🐉 DRAGON — what is your oc's favorite mythical creature?

I feel like it would be so cheesy to say Phoenix lol. Um... besides that, maybe Rusalka (a female water demon in Slavic mythology and folk culture. Basically siren)

🤍 WHITE HEART — what are three of your oc's neutral/questionable traits?

She thinks stealing is okay as long as it's something you can't live without, which... eh 👀 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Violence is sometimes necessary for revolutions.

You don't always have to forgive people.

I can't tell if these are questionable or just normal

🍛 CURRY AND RICE — what does your oc's typical dinner look like? do they usually eat dinner?

Side note, we don't really see the Guardians eating in the movies do we? But anyway I feel like she's mostly used to whatever they eat in space/not Earth, but every now and then she tries to get Earth food or stuff like it. She eats later after she's made sure her work is done for today.

😥 SAD BUT RELIEVED FACE — is your oc prone to getting stressed out, or is it easy for them to keep their cool?

Oh, absolutely! Who doesn't have anxiety? (Seriously who because what's your secret? /j) yeah she gets stressed easily which is difficult when you have unpredictable fire powers.

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 FAMILY WITH MOTHER, FATHER, SON AND DAUGHTER — how many people are in your oc's immediate family? how many people are in your oc's extended family? do they have aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc? who in their family are they closest with? are they close with their birth family, or do they have a found family?

I think she has a mother, father, and younger sister... She has the two usual sets of grandparents, one aunt on both sides and one uncle on her mother's side. As for cousins she probably has a bunch. Before space and all that, she was close with her mother and slightly her sister. Because of the circumstances, she's closer to her found family, aka the Guardians.

details about ocs!

[snaggletoothedbastard]

in defence of autistic characters

Because apparently people are mad about this.

I've heard the phrase "you're making every single character autistic!" and similar phrases way too many times. Mostly from allistic people who don't understand how headcanons work, and are also scared shitless by the very idea that they might have something in common with an autistic person.

Oh gosh, the horror!

"You're making every single character autistic," said in a negative way, is basically a translation of: "That character can't possibly be autistic because I'm not autistic and I like them!"

Neurotypicals often seem to be under the impression that neurodivergent people are some kind of alien species, and that these two groups have nothing whatsoever in common with each other and therefore can't even have the same feelings towards one single fictional character. They've given us our "representation", the Sheldon Coopers and the Rain Mans, and essentially said, "Here you go, enjoy your seven (7) canonically autistic characters, and leave every other character in the world to us." And then have the gall to act surprised when we're not particularly happy with what we've been given. Sure, Sheldon Cooper and Rain Man may technically count as representation, but that doesn't mean they're good, and it doesn't mean that they're enough. We need more than that.

You can make the exact same argument about queer characters or characters of colour. Marginalised groups are often given the bare minimum of representation and told that they should be grateful for it, as if everyone else in the world is bending over backwards to cater to them.

Surprise! That's not what's happening.

Instead we are supplied with the most boring, clichéd, unlikeable, stereotypical characters with very little personality, who are treated with very little respect by the people who literally created them. Why should we be grateful for that? It shouldn't be surprising, really, that we find ourselves feeling better represented by and more connected to characters who may not be specifically written as autistic but who we can relate to anyway, and have been written with respect, nuance and creativity. Real autistic people aren't as one-dimensional as we are in fiction. We've got personalities, interests, relationships and emotional journeys that are just as complex as yours, and we'd like this complexity to be reflected in the characters that are supposed to be for us. So when we don't get that, we end up being drawn to characters that were made for a more general audience.

One argument that I see frequently used to protest against autistic fans' relationship with these characters is: "it'll make people think they're autistic!"

Wow. People use stories as a means of self-discovery and a way to connect with others. Shocking. Truly shocking.

I have numerous problems with this argument. Firstly, it's concerningly close to being anti self-diagnosis. I hate to go off on a rant but the situation calls for it. Self-diagnosis isn't a bad thing. Often what people mean when they say "self-diagnosis" is "faking". These things are very different, and saying that someone is faking is always a risk because unless you know them personally and are aware of their entire medical history, you cannot be certain about something like this. And accusing every other person of faking a disability just because they don't fit your idea of what that disability should look like is not only extremely presumptuous, but perpetuates stereotypes and misconceptions that can be potentially dangerous.

And issues around self-diagnosis are multitude. Sure, it's not exactly ideal that it exists, but it's reality. People can't always access an official diagnosis; the assessment process is often long and exhausting; an official diagnosis can stop people from immigrating to certain countries and can threaten their ability to get jobs and have children; doctors aren't always correct in their diagnoses anyway, especially if the person they're diagnosing is AFAB and/or a person of colour. And even if someone doesn't give themself exactly the correct label, personally I think it's better to be slightly off the mark and still know how to describe your experiences and what accommodations and support you need, than to have no idea what's going on in your head and not know how to cope with your struggles.

Also, self-diagnosis is much, much more than just seeing a person with the same traits as you and thinking, "they're autistic so I must be too". It involves loads and loads of research. Hell, even the build-up to an official diagnosis involves loads of research, especially if you can't access private healthcare and have to lurk at the bottom of a waiting list for months before you get to talk to a doctor. I did at least two years of research, and I have been both self-diagnosed and professionally diagnosed. The official diagnosis was basically just telling me things I already knew about myself.

It's unlikely that so many people are deciding they're autistic just because they relate to a fictional character that it's a world-wide epidemic that needs to be stopped. Finding people we can identify with is important and helps a lot with self-acceptance. And it's a completely natural thing for people who are discovering their own autistic traits to start noticing them in other people too. So why are we surprised when we see that actually happening? And why are we acting like it's some kind of terrible thing? Do I need to remind you about Abed Nadir? The character who so many autistic people loved and connected with that Dan Harmon realised he was autistic because he based the character on himself? Give me one example where a scenario like this has ended badly. Just one.

In conclusion: you're allowed to have things in common with autistic people. And autistic people are allowed to connect with fictional characters. We're not hurting anyone. It's not the end of the world. Keep your hair on. If you're so offended that we see ourselves in not-explicitly-autistic characters instead of the one-dimensional caricatures we've been told are "for us", give us better representation. But it's not like you have a claim over every character that isn't explicitly autistic. It's not a "this is mine so you can't have it" situation. If you're thinking like that, you belong in a preschool with the rest of the toddlers who haven't learnt how to share things.

[transporttoanotherplace]

I just finished Husband Material by Alexis Hall and the ending has me in deep thought about marriage. A lot of the discussion centered around the emotional health of marriage but I was actually surprised that there was no mention of the economic health. And now I want to know if it's because I am from the USA (the book is set in London).

Is marriage not as powerful as an institution in other nations as it is in the USA? I know in some it is even more powerful and in my view in a negative way as marriage is used as power over women (Yeah, I know that's how it started out in most nations too. Not here to argue that). I am talking marriage here where two consenting adults go into it deciding they want to be with each other til death do them part.

Here are some benefits in the states for married couples:

Insurance-I could be added to my spouse's health insurance for an extra cost if I didn't have it or no cost (depends on how great your company is). This one I am sure is very US-centric as many other nations have universal healthcare. Anyway, you can imagine why this would be such a big bonus in our eyes.

Tax benefits- If my spouse were to die all estate, property, and assets given to me are tax-free. Joint filing is really helpful when there's a large income disparity (for example when I was in school and my spouse was working full time).

Benefits in general-Disability, social security income (income we receive after age 62 that we've paid over time while working), Veteran's benefits, Medicare (health insurance for the elderly). Basically, any money given to my spouse for a benefit they qualify for I could tap into.

Family leave- Don't get me wrong, I don't know of many companies that would deny you taking leave or calling out sick for a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. But that's sick hours. I get bereavement leave if it's my spouse (not much but hey it's a benefit).

Medical rights- I can visit my spouse in the hospital. I get say over their medical care if they're incapacitated. I can decide how they are buried.

Consumer stuff- there's a lot of discounted stuff for families

School- This isn't one many people think of but it's why my wedding was a small civil court marriage vs a grand wedding. I could not qualify for financial aid because my parents refused to provide tax documents for aid. Even if they had I think it would have been too high of income but my parents never wanted to help me with school financially (it's a very privileged person who has a family that will pay). To remove my dependent status we decided to get married and that is how I was finally able to obtain my dream of going to college in my twenties without taking out 50K+ in private loans.

Court- conversations between my spouse and I are confidential and I will not be charged with a crime for refusing to share it (exceptions apply)

These are just a few I know about. I am sure there is more but I think you get the gist. Marriage is extremely powerful in the USA and it's a big reason why the LGBTQ+ community fought so hard. I remember reading stories about gay couples adopting one another before it was legal as a workaround to get the inheritance and medical benefits married couples do

There are a lot of workarounds to some of these, especially with wills. However, I can't count how many times someone has been screwed over for not being married to someone and the person dies. So I am really curious to hear from people all over if it's similar or really different?

[fantasy-anatomy-analyst]

fantasy including disability and mobility aids and other solutions for disabled characters is always a topic i welcome on this blog. I have several disabled characters myself. I've probably talked about this before, but I'll do it again anyway. here's some solutions I've written for disabled characters:

mobility aids. I just stick with normal ones. forearm crutches, canes, wheelchairs, leg and back braces, prosthetic feet/legs. made of materials accessible to their local areas. occasional use of magic to help more complicated prosthetics function. nothing terribly difficult about this. wheels already exist in most historical settings, so there's nothing wrong with saying that wheelchairs exist in a fantasy. if they have carts, they can have wheeled mobility aids. if straight poles exist, they can have crutches and canes. prosthetics are older than you might think, and not even just the peg leg type. you don't even need magic for that, just skilled craftspeople.

relief for chronic pain. I write these characters using special salves/ointments to help reduce pain. the exact materials you might write in for pain relieving medications depends on your worldbuilding, but I've gone with a diluted mixture of goblin mucus and pixie honey, two things that contain unusual toxins. taken without dilution, they could be dangerous, but skilled medical professionals know how to mix it right with the correct dilution so it's safe to use with a prescribed dosage.

general medical treatments. not only does my worldbuilding have regular ol tried and tested physical medicine and surgery and all, but they also have a form of magic healing. it requires the skills of practiced medical singers, who use their voices to direct magical energy through the patient's soul and body. they are limited by what the body can actually do though. they can't do anything that is too far outside of the natural bodily functions. they can accelerate healing a bit, reduce pain responses, and stabilize vitals. medical singing is a skill that can be learned by cultural tradition or through schooling. pretty much every medical center or small town doctor will have at least one singer, though medical centers prefer to have a full chorus of at least three for every major operation, since the magic only works so long as the singing continues. no changes made are reversed when the singing ends, but it really is a temporary thing. you can sing to help a cut heal, but it's not going to heal itself again later if it gets reopened, you know? in the case of amputation, perhaps a very skilled chorus alongside very skilled surgeons could reattach a severed body part, provided they were able to treat it in time. same as in real life. but don't count on it. they can stabilize someone long enough to prevent death if they're quick, and this has saved a lot of lives, but they can't overcome a truly fatal injury or bring anyone back from the dead. can't make a blind or deaf person stop being that way. even if it happened because of an injury, there's really a limit to how much they can heal someone.

Whgskl. Okay.

PSA to all you fantasy writers because I have just had a truly frustrating twenty minutes talking to someone about this: it’s okay to put mobility aids in your novel and have them just be ordinary.

Like. Super okay.

I don’t give a shit if it’s high fantasy, low fantasy or somewhere between the lovechild of Tolkein meets My Immortal. It’s okay to use mobility devices in your narrative. It’s okay to use the word “wheelchair”. You don’t have to remake the fucking wheel. It’s already been done for you.

And no, it doesn’t detract from the “realism” of your fictional universe in which you get to set the standard for realism. Please don’t try to use that as a reason for not using these things.

There is no reason to lock the disabled people in your narrative into towers because “that’s the way it was”, least of all in your novel about dragons and mermaids and other made up creatures. There is no historical realism here. You are in charge. You get to decide what that means.

Also:

“Depiction of Chinese philosopher Confucius in a wheelchair, dating to ca. 1680. The artist may have been thinking of methods of transport common in his own day.”

“The earliest records of wheeled furniture are an inscription found on a stone slate in China and a child’s bed depicted in a frieze on a Greek vase, both dating between the 6th and 5th century BCE.[2][3][4][5]The first records of wheeled seats being used for transporting disabled people date to three centuries later in China; the Chinese used early wheelbarrows to move people as well as heavy objects. A distinction between the two functions was not made for another several hundred years, around 525 CE, when images of wheeled chairs made specifically to carry people begin to occur in Chinese art.[5]”

“In 1655, Stephan Farffler, a 22 year old paraplegic watchmaker, built the world’s first self-propelling chair on a three-wheel chassis using a system of cranks and cogwheels.[6][3] However, the device had an appearance of a hand bike more than a wheelchair since the design included hand cranks mounted at the front wheel.[2]

The invalid carriage or Bath chair brought the technology into more common use from around 1760.[7]

In 1887, wheelchairs (“rolling chairs”) were introduced to Atlantic City so invalid tourists could rent them to enjoy the Boardwalk. Soon, many healthy tourists also rented the decorated “rolling chairs” and servants to push them as a show of decadence and treatment they could never experience at home.[8]

In 1933 Harry C. Jennings, Sr. and his disabled friend Herbert Everest, both mechanical engineers, invented the first lightweight, steel, folding, portable wheelchair.[9] Everest had previously broken his back in a mining accident. Everest and Jennings saw the business potential of the invention and went on to become the first mass-market manufacturers of wheelchairs. Their “X-brace” design is still in common use, albeit with updated materials and other improvements. The X-brace idea came to Harry from the men’s folding “camp chairs / stools”, rotated 90 degrees, that Harry and Herbert used in the outdoors and at the mines.[citation needed]

“But Joy, how do I describe this contraption in a fantasy setting that wont make it seem out of place?”

“It was a chair on wheels, which Prince FancyPants McElferson propelled forwards using his arms to direct the motion of the chair.”

“It was a chair on wheels, which Prince EvenFancierPants McElferson used to get about, pushed along by one of his companions or one of his many attending servants.”

“But it’s a high realm magical fantas—”

“It was a floating chair, the hum of magical energy keeping it off the ground casting a faint glow against the cobblestones as {CHARACTER} guided it round with expert ease, gliding back and forth.”

“But it’s a stempunk nov—”

“Unlike other wheelchairs he’d seen before, this one appeared to be self propelling, powered by the gasket of steam at the back, and directed by the use of a rudder like toggle in the front.”

Give. Disabled. Characters. In. Fantasy. Novels. Mobility. Aids.

If you can spend 60 pages telling me the history of your world in innate detail down to the formation of how magical rocks were formed, you can god damn write three lines in passing about a wheelchair.

Signed, your editor who doesn’t have time for this ableist fantasy realm shit.

[myrthing]

I struggle leaving my home. It is not agoraphobia. It is the primary, and often only, disabling factor of my life.

I can't be talked into, persuaded, cajoled, tempted, induced, guilted or otherwise influenced into leaving my flat. Or into doing anything I don't want to do, frankly, but nothing else is as big of an issue as going outside.

I guess I might respond to bribery, but only for a short time, and it's not like the city is going to pay me extra "get out the door" money as disability aid anyway.

It fucking sucks to be caught in this situation. I had attendance issues in school because of this, starting over twenty years ago. I have never had a job because of this. It is at least not the only reason I can't study, but it's a contributing factor there nonetheless.

I have improved a bit with stimulants, but the baseline is that I still will stay home. I am however pretty hopeful that they will continue helping me, since I've only been on a functioning dose since October and I might still be able to increase it.

Unsurprisingly, I'm not happy with the status quo. I am fully capable of doing a job. I am fully capable of doing a lot of jobs, frankly, provided the right accommodations. I'm partially capable of doing even more types of jobs if we decide that the span of time I would be capable of them is completely irrelevant (I can't work as a cleaner. See "I will not do things I don't want to do").

I am—metaphorically—dying with frustration aimed at myself. I am simultaneously taking up resources that would be better used for someone else, and not using the resources provided to me because they can't actually help me. There isn't any aid for "refuses to leave flat, has barricaded self in bedroom and refuses to speak". Manhandling being generally frowned upon.

....

.........

Eureka? I knew writing was a good idea: I think, now, that the issue is that I've gotten so good at acting normal that my actual struggles never go so far as to trigger me. I can talk my way out of situations that would make me melt down if they were pushed further, and I am listened to because I am disgustingly, awfully verbal*, I'm mostly fluent, I'm articulate, I'm middle class, I don't look different, I don't generally even act different, and I appear to understand myself so well.

This ties into what my mother and I discussed over dinner tonight, namely that we haven't used my depression as a tool the way we should have. I should have been getting my doctor to put me on sick leave every time the depression got the better of me, even when I haven't been working or had any kind of activity. Instead we've just treated depression as my default state, instead of the debilitating illness it is. Although I guess we're in good company: the healthcare system has never cared about it either.**

It does mean there's no documentation of my really deep depressive periods, so that sucks.

Anyway I lost interest in continuing this. I had a lightbulb moment but now it's two thirty in the morning and I have a headache and heartburn and I really should sleep.

*I was not particularly good at talking when I was diagnosed as autistic as a teenager, nor did I particularly want to talk. I have learnt to speak in the intervening... second half of my life. A fact some might regret because goddamn, I do not shut up.

**The depression is currently medicated, and medicated well, but it took a couple of years before anyone did anything for it, and another eight before I was put on a combination of medicines and dosages that actually works. Or it took precisely half my life, if we're counting stimulants.

[brightlotusmoon]

Hello! List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the ask box for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! Learn to know your mutual and followers! :3 (don't need to do it if you don't want to)

1. Neurotransmitters working correctly. I can't make my own so I use store bought, it's fine.

2. Cats. My cats. All cats. Kittens. I need a box of kittens, stat.

3. Fanfiction. Ninja Turtles fanfiction. Mikey fanfiction. Mikey angst fanfiction that gives him ADHD and psychic empathy and real emotional intelligence with epic wisdom. I've been doing this for thirty years don't make me stop now, it's how I cope. I love my sunshine child.

4. Chocolate. Preferably just plain milk or dark. Do you have any?

5. Being loved and loving in return. Hugs, give me hugs. It's dopamine, I crave it. Yes, I'm one of those autistics who loves hugs, big tight hugs that can soothe my ADHD crow brain because I get to focus on the shiny that is you rather than the shiny that is oh shit is that the depression shadow monster lurking back there.

-

I don't know who to tag but they're probably other people in the TMNT fandom. I dunno.

This fandom makes me happy. It's not toxic like some people assume, it never was, not in the thirty years I've been involved. It just occasionally has some folks who get brought in by newer iterations who start bullying thus spreading toxicity a little, usually over headcanons where the characters represent marginalized identities, which doesn't make any sense because these characters aren't even human and are animal based mutants specifically turtles which let's face it will do all sorts of bizarre things and don't need to be compared to humans who naturally fuck up each other just because someone doesn't look or behave certain ways.

I prefer corvids. And felines. And vulpines. My first real online fanfic OC* was a mutated calico cat human with my own disabilities and orientations and I made her into Mikey's best friend and then surprise lover and then surprise polyamory, because my writerbrain is Like That a lot.

I have a new OC who is a fennec fox humanoid mutant again same hat as the other and I wish I could eat strawberries all day and bounce around and nibble a person's hand to show I love them. I nibble my own hand when I'm anxious, but I'm autistic ADHD and that's stimming and it's my hand though. Oh, and a human OC, same hat, for another AU. Which reminds me that AU fics are Alternate Universe headcanons and not canon thus why the heckity hells do people threaten each other anyway, it's fantasy and we don't own it, we just play pretend and share it with each other in the hopes that we're not alone in wanting to commiserate all these nifty ideas and theories and squee when we connect and curl up when we get scolded; and the very fact that we get threatened because we have shared fiction ideas that will never work out in the real world is a sad fact I still can't wrap my head around, you would think after my literal twenty years on internet platforms I would understand everything but nah. Even the various official creators and different creators coming from fandom into franchise had the same thoughts and I remember the conversations where they said how confused they were too at fans trying to hurt each other, nobody took it so seriously. So I guess what makes me happy is seeing fans open up to each other, make creative content that resonates, rising above bullying that comes from the bullies' own fear and revulsion and hatred and conflation of ideas that shouldn't be the same but they're probably sheltered and naive anyway so I don't hate back, I was sheltered too and I'm still naive. And it's funny and weird how I easily lose working memory yet random long term storage memories keep surfacing. What makes me happy is that I still have a whole mind, full of stuff, brain all wrinkly with knowledge which makes me think of Jason from The Good Place talking about how smooth brains don't have much knowledge or information, and there goes my crow brain again, I really think I want to nickname ADHD and change it to Cognitive Attentive Tempo Syndrome, I have CATS in my brain, my brain is a Kinetic Cognitive Style room full of cats and there's toys everywhere.

I'm happy my disabled body is still standing and moving after forty years since my birth at 26 weeks back when nobody knew anything, and in a couple of months it'll be 41, and there will be even more information and education and I want to be a test subject, an example, of living fairly well past the life expectancy that they used to assume for cerebral palsy and for autism and for ADHD all separate so imagine it all at once, and the neoteny that comes with each, plus now EDS, and wow I'm giving myself so much serotonin just thinking all this, because there's also major depressive disorder that hell might be cyclothymia I dunno I'll talk to my doctors, and then there's temporal lobe epilepsy that a lot of people just die from at all ages, and I've become such an advocate and activist and alive and forever pro choice and autonomy, and my parents still adore the hell out of each other and me, and I'm teaching them through my advocacy just as they taught me, and I don't think I could ever do public speaking but maybe in a nursing college, a disability advocate speaker? Because there is always everything to learn and relearn and discover and uncover and it's important to be able to change our minds and our thinking and our habits and our coping strategies and our understanding of how things work because nothing is static everything progresses, even cerebral palsy which is surprisingly a thing that while static and progressive still leads to changing neurobiological and neuromuscular updates via neuroplasticity, my physical therapist calls me unique among all his patients, a Variable when there shouldn't be, and it makes me happy that we are discovering things about my neuropsychology and musculoskeletal system that nobody ever considered, and I want to be around to see medical science make all sorts of conclusions that could help others like me.

What makes me happy is learning, connecting, passing on knowledge, being cautiously optimistic in this nihilistic sense of how everything matters in the nothingness where nothing matters intrinsically but each small thing matters on the surface, extrinsic, how it is seen and felt and considered. People forget what existential nihilism supposed to mean. I may not matter in the totality, but I matter in the little bits that count for others like me, and that makes me happy.

[anths-girl]

So, it's my birthday in just less than a week - on the 17th of August. And...I've been TRYING to get some, well...support? Help? Charity?! And yes, by that, I DO mean I've been asking for money. Because at this point, it REALLY is the ONLY thing that will make ANY difference to my - OUR, me and my family's - situation.

I see lots of posts about people reaching out, saying they're going through bad things. Even people who are possibly suicidal. And most of the responses are either that they should "get help", OR that they are just looking for attention. Hence why I, mostly, DON'T try to "reach out" on social media. Because for one, if someone told me to go "get help", I'd probably explode. "Therapy", or talking to someone, or, God forbid, meds, are NOT going to do a damn thing to make things better for me. It's not gonna pay our bills, make my parents healthy again, or keep me from crippling anxiety that my dogs are gonna get sick or die. It's not gonna make the stress of where we're gonna get money for food every week, or what we're gonna do if our car breaks down, go away. ALL of those things will NEVER go away. On the contrary, they just get worse.

I don't have anything good to look forward to. The ONLY things in my life, that are inevitably GOING to happen, are bad things. I'm going to lose the ONLY people in the world who matter to me - and also the only people who love or care about me - my parents. I'm going to lose my two little Angels, the BEST thing in my life, my doggos, Pippin and Lola. And after that, I'll have nothing left. NOTHING. Nothing to actually LIVE for, anyway, because my purpose in life, is looking after my parents and my dogs. Sure, my parents aren't invalids, or totally incapable of taking care of themselves. But I have to make sure they take their meds at the right times, and the RIGHT meds. I have to help my mom bath and wash her hair. I make meals, I take the doggos outside for their potty breaks, up to past 12 at night. I get up when there's a thunder storm, and Pippin is scared, so I sit with him, even if it's 4 AM.

I don't do much, yes. There are people who work their ASSES off, every day. And I don't. I know that. I feel useless and worthless a LOT of the time. BUT...a lot of the time, I also think I DO deserve something nice. Some appreciation. Hell, EVERYONE does. No matter how much or little you DO on a daily basis. And dammit, I WANT to have a nice birthday, for once. I want to maybe get a bit of money, from SOMEWHERE. And NO - I don't want money to spend. I want money to SAVE. To know it's there in my bank account, for when shit inevitably does hit the fan again. Because for us, it ALWAYS does.

I KNOW people WILL read this, and think: "She's desperate." And yes, I AM. Or: Wow - she's REALLY looking for attention, playing on people's feelings." And YES, I AM actually looking for attention! How ELSE will I get the message through?! And of course: "She's just trying anything to get money." YES - YES I AM. And my personal favourite: "Why doesn't she just get a job?" Well, again, I HAVE a job: taking care of my family. And, I am on medical disability pension.

BUT, what I am most DEFINITELY NOT DOING, is lying. About ANY of this. Every word is the honest to God truth. If you don't believe that, well fuck you very much. People lie and GET AWAY WITH IT, to make money EVERY DAY. But I am sure as shit NOT one of those people. I mean, I COULD probably start lying, and maybe get money that way. Or I could even try and steal. But guess what: I DON'T WANT TO. I need money really, REALLY badly. And yet, however desperate I AM, I'm STILL not going to do the WRONG things to get what I NEED. NO - instead, I'm doing THIS again. THIS, being appealing to total strangers on the internet. Which I HAVE, mind you, been trying for the past year or so. And YES, I have gotten donations/contributions. And I am SO, SO thankful for each one. But I DO need more. And I REALLY wish more people would BELIEVE ME, and maybe help out a bit. I keep saying it, and I MEAN it: EVEN JUST $1 WILL HELP. Literally EVERY CENT COUNTS. And really, if enough people give me just $1, it would be AMAZING. But I don't have a big audience, and I DON'T have enough resources to reach enough people. Which is why I'd REALLY appreciate more people seeing this, via sharing or whatever.

Most of all, though, I just want someone to HEAR ME. And to BELIEVE ME. We ARE STRUGGLING. We are ALWAYS struggling. Which is why I've been doing something I NEVER wanted to do: asking people for help.

So here I am. Asking for HELP. PLEASE. Just $1 isn't a lot to ask. Or, actually, I KNOW it IS a lot to ask, if you DON'T HAVE IT. Which is MY LIFE every single day. I wish I could help OTHER people, but I can't. Because I have NOTHING to give. Instead, I am the one who's asking. Begging, really. Please. Please find it in your heart to help my family. Or, to give me a great 36th birthday present.

Either way, THANK YOU for reading, IF you read this far. And if you DO consider helping, there actually WOULDN'T be words enough to thank you.

Regards,

Marie.

https://paypal.me/anthsgirl

Or:

https://ko-fi.com/anthsgirl

[squeelokitty]

Neither of these applies directly to me and I don't really want to distract too much from OP's point but I've been thinking a lot lately about the mental health provider community jumping to conclusions.

I was dx with ADHD two years ago. I should have been diagnosed at least a decade ago. I sometimes find myself wishing I were a boy because then maybe it would have been caught when I was a kid, but I'm not and girls in the 80s and 90s were terribly underdiagnosed for both that and autism. Heck my dad was diagnosed with autism a year ago at 74. There was and is a perception that if you didn't fit exactly into this set of symptoms, for both, then it must be something else (as happened to OP). There's a reason there are all those memes aimed at Millennials who were labeled gifted as kids and now have actual diagnoses (or are still trying to get one because they know Something is Wrong).

I've been medicated for depression and anxiety for 20+ years. I have been through more meds and combos than I can count. Some made it worse, some worked for a bit and then didn't, some just didn't work at all. Things that maybe should have been a sign were never taken as such - like getting fired from a job after I missed a deadline because all my attempts to stay organized failed. I was just stressed and overworked, that was all.

Several years after that, when I went to law school, it became very clear something else was going on, because I knew the material and could have a great discussion about it and the finals turned into word salad. I went to one of the student clinics for a full psych eval. They decided I didn't have ADHD, I had a significant cognitive processing speed delay (which is NOT recognized by IDEA as a disability for academic accommodations, although I got informal ones while the results were pending and my grades did a 180, and that plus the anxiety were enough to convince the disability office to give them to me anyway). He said it just takes my brain longer to churn through stuff, that's all.

Here's the thing. He didn't stop to think about whether I have the kind of training that would skew results on a TOVA test (I do). He didn't stop to think about whether my brain is really slower or whether it just seems that way because I already have 1,000 browser tabs open in my head at any given point in time and adding another bogs it down.

So fast forward 8 years and I'm struggling to get anything done and the anxiety and depression are real bad and my therapist says, hm. What if the lack of focus is driving the depression/anxiety, not the other way around? And I tell her they already told me I don't have ADHD. She looks at the report. She tells me that it's possible it's the browser tab problem, not the processing itself. Meanwhile, my psychiatrist is trying to figure out why I've just failed another med combo and looking at the results of that old eval and trying to figure out whether I'm just drug-seeking for stimulants. And she's willing to try but not willing to give me an actual dx yet so she finds a med that can be prescribed for something else, and now I have a diagnosis for binge eating disorder, which I do not have (I do have disordered eating but it's not quite that). And I still don't officially have a dx from anyone but my therapist.

But I'm off all the SSRIs. I have Wellbutrin - the only thing that has ever worked for depression - and I have Vyvanse and I'm off everything else because it turns out when I can focus and get shit done, I'm less anxious and don't feel like I'm a horrible lazy failure. Because I don't have a serotonin problem. I've never had a serotonin problem. I have a dopamine problem.

Unlike OP, I've never had a problem actually finding providers, I've been lucky that way, I guess. Like OP, I've spent a long time thinking something was wrong other than what they said. It's been two years and I'm still very angry and grieving all the lost time I've spent believing I just wasn't trying hard enough to not be a dumpster fire of a human. And if not for a therapist who has lived the same thing, I'd still be there.

As a late diagnosed autist I will say one of the most damaging but transformative experiences I've ever had was being misdiagnosed with BPD.

Everyday my heart goes out to people with BPD.

The amount of stigma and silencing they face is astonishing and sickening.

I took DBT for years. Therapists use to turn me away because of my diagnosis.

I would be having full blown autistic meltdowns, crying for help literally - but because I was labeled as BPD ANY time I cried I was treated as manipulative and unstable.

As if the only reason I could be crying was if I was out to trick someone.

95% of the books out there with Borderline in the title are named shit like 'How to get away from a person with Borderline', 'How to stop walking on eggshells (with a person who has BPD)'

I was never allowed to feel true pain or panic or need.

That was 'attention seeking behavior', not me asking for help when a disability was literally inhibiting my ability to process emotions.

There were dozens of times where I had a full meltdown and was either threatened with institutionalization or told I was doing it for attention.

My failing relationships weren't due to a communication issue, or the inability to read social cues. No, because I was labeled borderline, my unstable relationships were my fault. Me beggong nuerotypicals to just be honest and blunt with what they meant was me pestering them for validation.

Borderline patients can't win.

And the funny thing is - I asked my therapist about autism. I told her I thought I was on the spectrum.

BPD is WILDLY misdiagnosed with those with autism and I had many clear signs.

Instead - she told me 'If you were autistic we wouldn't be able to have this conversation'. She made me go through a list of autistic traits made clearly for children, citing how I didn't fit each one.

And then she told me that me identifying with the autism community was the BPD making me search for identity to be accepted - and that I wasn't autistic, just desperate to fit in somewhere.

I didn't get diagnosed for another ten years. For ten years I avoided the autism community - feeling as if I were just a broken person who wanted to steal from people who 'really needed it'.

Because of my providers - I began to doubt my identity MORE, not less.

Ten years of thinking I was borderline and being emotionally neglected and demonized by a system meant to help me.

To this day, I still don't trust neurotypicals. Not fully.

I know I'm not borderline now - but my heart aches for them. Not for the usual stuff. But for the stigma. And the asshole doctors. And the dismissiveness and threatening and the idea of institutionalization hanging over their head.

I love Borderline people. I always will. I'm not Borderline but if you are I love you and I'm sorry.

You're not a bad person. You're not a therapists worst nightmare, you are a human with valid feelings and fears.

Borderline people I'm sorry.

[evisxerate]

Gonna use this acc/site to talk abt body stuff bc I don't rly feel as comfortable anywhere else and it's bothering me a lot, but like. I've gotten to the point where I have to be sitting pretty much my entire shift at work and this progression or whatever has kinda been stressing me out. I can't stand for v long in general w/o numbness, pain, pinching(?) (feels like my feet/ankles are covered in fire ants), swaying, nausea, exhaustion, shit like that. Standing is literally so fucking exhausting, and I can't even deny it or try to push through it at this point. A couple times lately I've tried to stand at the beginning of my shift but it's pretty much instant pain, and it all gets worse until I have to sit after like 10 minutes, usually even sooner and 30 minutes tops if I try to power through. I can still get up and walk around the store when I need to but my legs have been either numb/stiff or strained (something that's been happening in general w/ walking lately, it feels like I pulled the muscles in both my legs or something, and I can't stay balanced) when doing it lately? :') it's super not fun to come to the realization that this isn't just going away, and it seems like it's getting worse, along w/ my hip/knee/ankle pain being worse and more frequent

This all doubly sucks bc the only way I can sit at work is on the counter. I have to use our stepladder to get up to it and off of it, and even when I'm sitting the pain is genuinely excruciating. My back it totally fucked and the pain doesn't go away, it's been giving me headaches, and my legs continuously go numb or get tingly, especially bc I have to have them crossed somehow

This all just sucks rly fucking bad and its really confusing bc I don't know why this is happening? A friend tried to say it's bc I don't get up and move around a lot but that's incredibly untrue. I've been moving more lately than I have in a long time, I'm constantly going up and down stairs, I have to cross the mall I work at often, I'm out and about way more, I'm almost never in bed unless I'm sleeping. I'm so much more active and in some ways it's actually been helpful. I genuinely don't think it would make any sense for the explanation for this shit to be bc I'm "not moving around enough". I know myself and I know what I've been doing even if it doesn't look that way on the outside?? Like I'm fucking moving and doing things fucking constantly, and I'd sit/lay down more if I could. Its hard for me to wanna blame the pain and problems on being more active too tho

This shit is all just so frustrating, and there's not even rly anything I can do. My cane doesn't really help anymore, it hurts my wrist more than anything, and I have no other aid or medication or anything that helps. I fr don't know how to deal w/ this lol

And I'm still sitting here being like "I don't think my pain is enough to warrant calling myself disabled" and "because I'm not diagnosed w/ anything it doesn't count" which is honestly probably bullshit?

Anyways I have like 3 1/2 hours left of this shift and I feel like death lmao

[the-yearning-astronaut]

Currently feeling anxious and very on edge and I was going to say idk why but I actually very much do know why I just don't know what to do about any of it.

Under the cut because there's a lot and I don't want to big down anyone's dash....

I'm in a sort of limbo right now. School has finished. It's been my literal driving force and my primary routine for three years. That routine and security is now completely gone.

I have an awkward 2.5 weeks between finals ending and my internship starting. That is both too much time (I'm doing too much overthinking and dwelling) and not enough time (I have so much to do and pack and idek where to start).

I don't know what to pack and no one seems to be able to get me a clear idea of what I should bring. I know I need to pack for essentially three different seasons because the temps can have a 40°F difference between night and day. Gotta love the desert. I know I need bedding and towels and basic kitchenware. But that's it. Do I need hangers for a closet or do I only have a dresser? Do I need a bath mat or shower curtain or is the place I'm staying basically fully furnished? There are no TVs -- is taking my own too excessive? What about taking my playstation? My houseplants? How much space in the kitchen will I have to store food in? Why does no one else seem to have these questions and why are they ok with just... Packing a few things and moving somewhere for 3 months?

Also I'm supposed to have been paid my first lump sum last Monday so that I actually had money to get the food and supplies and gas I'll need to get down there but ofc someone in HR or wherever fucked up and I haven't received a payment and no one seems to know where the money is coming from or who's in charge of making sure I get it.

Idk how to handle disability disclosure. My disabilities have the potential of putting my safety at risk -- especially considering where I'll be -- so for safety reasons alone I feel I should mention POTS at least. But the entirely new routines, new people, new location, new everything is.... That's gonna really mess me up for a while or will at least be a recurring issue through the duration of the program. I feel that I can count on at least few meltdowns. I'll be at high elevation, outside, in the desert. My medications make me more sensitive to UV rays than my pasty skin already makes me. I burn really easy, really quick regardless of whether I remembered sunscreen or not. And I have NO idea how to bring up the issue of fibro flare ups. Like hi yes I know I have a full schedule today but I'm gonna have to either limit my hours or not participate at all because I'm currently in bed experiencing full body pain and I can't think clearly atm. No idk if I'll feel better in 4 hrs or 4 days. And ofc high stress and anxiety situations are triggers for flare ups so it's basically a vicious cycle.

I'm scared because I really really want this. I've been wanting this internship for a full f-ing year and it's doing exactly what I want to do in one of my absolute favorite places and it's going to open doors to other jobs but. I'm so worried I'm gonna f-it up. That I'm gonna have to quit early with my tail tucked between my legs and I KNOW sometimes you have to stop and acknowledge that some things just aren't possible and it's not your fault but I've already done that again and again and I don't know what else I'd do with my life if not this. I can't keep living at home but I can't move out unless I have a full-time job and even the I probably can't afford rent anyway and I don't have friends I can move in with.

I'm so tired and overwhelmed and I feel like I can't turn to my mom for help because she's working two jobs and is already providing emotional support to her sister as she works through the death of my uncle. My bro is working two jobs and has far too much of his own BS to worry about and I definitely can't count on my dad for anything.

I'm just. Really at a loss rn and after that fiasco of a semester I don't have the emotional energy to deal with any of it.

[todorokis-left-shoe]

I might be wrong, especially since I haven't been in school for about 2 years, but I think kids getting sick so frequently has something to do with schools pretty much forcing the kids to come regardless of their health. Back when I was in school, I pushed myself to go and take my finals even though it turns out I had the flu(not a cold like I thought I did). Not sure if it was caused by me or not, but a while after I heard some kid in one of my classes was out sick. And then more kids were absent in all my classes as the season progressed. Some even came in extremely sick. One kid in my senior year said she was fine and all and then 5 seconds she's running out of the class getting sick. And she still wanted to stay because she was out of absences.

3 more years of forcing myself, or friends/classmates forcing themselves, to come to school, especially the seniors, in order to not fail due to absence was a really big issue. It just got everyone else sick! Not to mention that a friend of mine with a incurable medical condition used all her sick days that year and ended up forcing herself to stay at least half the day before throwing up and calling her parents. What are the schools trying to do here? Teach the kids that even in their adult life sick days are very limited and making yourself go to work contagious is the way to go about things?

Its really not.

Well some anyway.

Some jobs don't let you carry around hand sanitizer or wear a face mask. Some don't let you go wash your hands in between of what you are doing, or you simply never have the chance to. Things like these especially don't happen when working at any type of entertainment places for children(ie: amusement parks, places like Dave and Busters or Chuck E Cheese, small attractions like go kart places, arcades too) where germs can possibly be even easier to pass around.

Sick days shouldn't be limited in schools. Kids shouldn't have to force themselves to go in fear of failure or fear of getting their parents in trouble. Sick days should not be a privilege either. They should be a given. They should only be counted as sick days when an excuse is given of course, that way they aren't abused.

If they are sick, please keep them home. Make sure kids are properly washing their hands. Clean every surface in your home, school, whatever to rid of those germs. Kids and the elderly, the disabled too, can be hit the most and often the worst.

People are freaking out about the coronavirus, meanwhile...