#anyway i don't think i really count as disabled because the medication that works for me works really well and i'm pretty pain free

[moonmoonthecrabking]

disability pride month aka pride month 2: ouchie boogaloo

[drinkyourvillainjuice]

The Process of Flawed Creation

or, making a character that's an allegory for disability

Hello my audience of small readers and big-time writers, this is the Secretary making another character that will appear within the story. This time, it's an Augment! If you haven't noticed one of the themes of Drink Your Villain Juice, it's that the superpowered characters (Flares, Genomes, Augments) can all be loosely tied to the struggle of disability (psychological, developmental, and physical respectively). Key word: loosely. But again, death of the author or whatever. I'm a communist so I support it - but I digress!

Let's make an Augment!

The background:

I need to make a character for a specific group with access to the biotechnology used to make superpowered individuals. Well, not Coven. They don't really count. Another group! They will appear in an upcoming chapter, and while they won't have any fun little things going on, we like to shape our one-off villains that may appear later with actual intent. If they appear again, we can showcase how it all ties together. If not, it just means they're swag.

Anyways, it's an Augment! Why? The group has money and access to disabled and maimed people, and they have little morals to inflict mutilations onto a group of desperate people.

Does that remind you of anything?

The base concept:

Since Augments can easily be tied to (physical) disability themes, and since we had a response on the form that made me think about it, it gave me a couple of ideas.

I was thinking maybe a blue-collar worker with a workplace injury. Maybe an electrician who got shocked because of the lack of workplace safety, or maybe a garbage trucker (term?) who found themselves trapped in the gear of a machine. For a little bit, I thought about it, and the electrician might be more interesting, and tie to an idea I had for a while. So there's a couple of things I want to have in this character:

Physical trauma turning external: I think the character needs to have some sort of physical trauma that they can use on others. The concept of electricity, receiving nerve damage, and having an augmentation that lets you do something similar seems to land on the correct line of thinking. The concept of reenacting their own trauma to avoid suffering from their own is also a swaggy theme!

Low-income wage worker: Even with the augments and with who they are working for, they aren't making that much money. They might have a uniform they have to wear, but they aren't in any sort of way part of the management class - which are not augments themselves.

Trading a disability for another one: If you are disabled, you probably know what I mean by this. Many disabled people, myself included, need to make this sort of trade. Do I take this medication that will give extreme fatigue to avoid these symptoms? In this case, it would be losing their nerve damage at the cost of having it entirely replaced with biomechanical wires within their own body, meaning they need to constantly upkeep it and if they ran out of money or contacts, they will not be able to continue to live.

With these three things in mind, I got a concept for an appearance, and a couple of things I could tie all together into a pretty character that might make someone interested in knowing more about them.

The physical manifestation of his psyche, and what it means to be him:

The Augment appears to be someone who used to be fit, but now struggles with standing upright without help of a cane. They walk in such of a way that is sturdy but also clearly controlled to avoid losing face in front of others. Their body has scars but also slits that are confused as scars for the untrained audience. They are around specific articulations: wrists, elbows, neck, and mostly likely underneath his suit that desperately needs to be dry cleaned. His face is covered with a domino mask with wiring dripping down on his chin and with more wires disappearing into his hair. Someone with a keen eye would realize that they are coming out of his neck where his head meets - but that probably means you got too close to him.

His shoes are the biggest tell that he isn't the richest. They are crusty and broken, with holes visible. The uniform was given to him - but everything else he had to supplies. With a closer look, his gloves are also run down by the way the leather seems to have been cracked over and over again from usage.

Tying it all together with a knot:

I don't think he has a Mask name. He might just be called something like Mr. White, which I guess in a way is a Mask name. But he is less a supervillain or a superhero, and more a henchman who is indebted through his power. Mr. White used to be an electrician, and through a workplace accident, burnt his nerves into numbness and lost of mobility. Someone somewhere with the knowledge that Mr. White didn't have any real healthcare, provided him with a solution: work for us and we fix your body. How can someone refuse that? He has children, a spouse, maybe even a mortgage (don't be silly, blue-collar workers don't get those! but imagine!) With his body twisted with his acquired disability, what other options does he have?

Damaged nerves are scooped out and replaced with a biomechanical system of wires, built on top of the healthy remaining nerves. In a roundabout way, this creates a trap: even if he were to stop working for them, who would upkeep his body? The wires might be rejected, leaving him in a worse state than before, and now who would really do anything to help his situation.

His Augments gave him mobility and sensations again, and while it's not perfect, Mr. White gained back a sense of normalcy. Though his Augments gave him a series of tricks: he can expel his nervous system to fry technology, give a nasty electroshock, or even move himself around in a pinch. It comes at the cost that every time he does so, he needs more upkeep, and every time he needs more upkeep, he starts to realize how deeply entrenched he is in this organization. He has lost some of his friends here, someone with a heart that could enlarge and give them more stamina (until it bursted and they bled out) and another that is now permanently bedbound with all of her limbs ran down until they were nubs with nobody really interested in fixing them.

At this point, the best he can do is make sure his loved ones are prepared to take care of him - or move on once it's too late.

His place as a henchman:

Obviously, he plays carefully. He has seen people like him be reckless or unlucky, and die from overusing their Augments. He doesn't want to be like that, but he has an organization that wants him to make these mistakes to trap him further into their maw. He plays carefully, makes himself useful in ways that don't use his Augments, and saves up money, and plans.

He doesn't need to be the best if someone else is, and if someone else is, who cares if he doesn't his nervous system to fry someone's eyes out.

Him being careful comes at a cost, though. People are noticing it. He needs to be a bit more reckless, a bit more proactive. He figures that if he uses his powers at least once per encounter or once, he loses some of that heat from his supervisors. And then, he chooses that if he throws someone else under the bus... then nobody bothers to look at him.

If someone on the field is saying that someone else is not doing their job, they are way more useful than a dead or useless body.

Final notes:

Class traitor much?

[celiaelise]

So my dad and stepmom have been watching "Love On The Spectrum", and I ended up watching a couple episodes with them.

The show is fine, idk, I don't really have thoughts on it right now. What I DO have thoughts on is how my father responds to it.

He always spoke about the people on the show as such an Other! Now, let me be clear. No one in my family is diagnosed with autism. However, I strongly suspect most, if not all, of us have it, and my dad's the person who I have the least doubts about. (with myself being second) Also to be clear, I have not voiced this suspicion to my father.

He KNOWS he resembles an autistic person, and has been told so by more than one third party! But he seems to think people who are "successful" don't count, or whatever. (Which, I suppose if we're going by the very strict medical definition of "a disorder", could be seen as true.)

But when I pointed out that one of the autistic people on the show doesn't seem to have enough information on a topic, and say, "someone should have explained this to him!" my dad says, "they do explain it to them, but they don't seem to be able to conceptualize romance and relationships the way we do." Like, excuse me, who's "we"?? You KNOW I'm 28 and have NEVER been on a date; the same age OR OLDER as some of the people on the show whose lack of romantic experience is being portrayed as remarkable.

An autistic man goes on a date with a woman who tells him she's a pre-K teacher, and my dad goes, "oh! so she's not also autistic." (I worked as a teacher at daycare/preschool for four years.) And then expresses that he'd been wondering if it's even moral or appropriate for someone without autism to be in a relationship with someone autistic. I remind him that one of my friends, whose years-long relationship my father is aware of, has autism, and their partner doesn't. (I don't remind my father that he, himself, appears to be an autistic man in a relationship with a nuerotypical woman.)

My father tries to correct himself, without having the specific vocabulary to, that he means people like in the show, who live with their parents at the age of thirty. "Physically they're capable of taking care of themselves, so, y'know, there must be some kind of mental problem." I don't point out that I, myself, will turn 29 in a couple months, and, though I do live alone in my apartment, I receive a pretty significant amount of support, financially and otherwise, from both my parents. He maybe doesn't understand just how bad I am at "taking care of myself" l am, even aside from the money.

Perhaps he doesn't know that I can't even walk through my space normally because there's so much stuff everywhere, that I only shower every other day and I'm doing well to brush my teeth twice a week, that I can barely keep myself fed and never cook, or that I'm currently struggling not to get fired over being late because I struggle to process the linear passage of time. Not to mention that I need an entire armada of medications every day just to function at THIS level!!

Honestly I've lately been considering the possibility that I might never free myself from my parents' support, what that would mean and what it would look like. Because sometimes I'm like, "Wow I really AM disabled", and even doing my current job, (which is easy, and full of autistic people) seems like a huge challenge.

So, anyway, idk. I related more to the people on the show than my dad seems willing to recognize, and that doesn't feel great. Plus, like, even if I'm wrong, and we AREN'T autistic, what benefit is there to distancing ourselves from autistic people??? From being like, "they're NOTHING like ME."?

[can-of-pringles]

Details about OCs for Eliška please!

💭🩹💤🔶🐈🐉🤍🍛😥👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

Thank you!

💭 THOUGHT BALLOON — what is your oc's MBTI, enneagram, and/or other personality aspects (if known/interested in)?

I actually haven't done any personality tests for her yet like I usually do... but I can at least say she's an introvert.

🩹 ADHESIVE BANDAGE — does your oc have any physical and/or mental disabilities?

Physical disabilities not that I can think of unless you count her powers/side effects of powers being similar to chronic pain. She is neurodivergent.

💤 SLEEPING SIGN — is your oc a light sleeper or a heavy sleeper? how are their sleeping habits?

Light sleeper for sure. She learned and adapted to being a light sleeper after everything she's gone through, so for survival reasons. I'd say the only time she's able to deeply sleep is either her body is so extremely exhausted she has no choice, or if she feels genuinely safe.

🔶 LARGE ORANGE DIAMOND — does your oc know cpr? do they have any other medical expertise?

Officially no, doesn't know CPR. She only knows stuff she's heard. She's good at wrapping and dressing wounds because of her hands.

🐈 CAT — does your oc prefer a wide circle of friends or a few close friends?

A few close friends.

🐉 DRAGON — what is your oc's favorite mythical creature?

I feel like it would be so cheesy to say Phoenix lol. Um... besides that, maybe Rusalka (a female water demon in Slavic mythology and folk culture. Basically siren)

🤍 WHITE HEART — what are three of your oc's neutral/questionable traits?

She thinks stealing is okay as long as it's something you can't live without, which... eh 👀 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Violence is sometimes necessary for revolutions.

You don't always have to forgive people.

I can't tell if these are questionable or just normal

🍛 CURRY AND RICE — what does your oc's typical dinner look like? do they usually eat dinner?

Side note, we don't really see the Guardians eating in the movies do we? But anyway I feel like she's mostly used to whatever they eat in space/not Earth, but every now and then she tries to get Earth food or stuff like it. She eats later after she's made sure her work is done for today.

😥 SAD BUT RELIEVED FACE — is your oc prone to getting stressed out, or is it easy for them to keep their cool?

Oh, absolutely! Who doesn't have anxiety? (Seriously who because what's your secret? /j) yeah she gets stressed easily which is difficult when you have unpredictable fire powers.

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 FAMILY WITH MOTHER, FATHER, SON AND DAUGHTER — how many people are in your oc's immediate family? how many people are in your oc's extended family? do they have aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc? who in their family are they closest with? are they close with their birth family, or do they have a found family?

I think she has a mother, father, and younger sister... She has the two usual sets of grandparents, one aunt on both sides and one uncle on her mother's side. As for cousins she probably has a bunch. Before space and all that, she was close with her mother and slightly her sister. Because of the circumstances, she's closer to her found family, aka the Guardians.

details about ocs!

[snaggletoothedbastard]

in defence of autistic characters

Because apparently people are mad about this.

I've heard the phrase "you're making every single character autistic!" and similar phrases way too many times. Mostly from allistic people who don't understand how headcanons work, and are also scared shitless by the very idea that they might have something in common with an autistic person.

Oh gosh, the horror!

"You're making every single character autistic," said in a negative way, is basically a translation of: "That character can't possibly be autistic because I'm not autistic and I like them!"

Neurotypicals often seem to be under the impression that neurodivergent people are some kind of alien species, and that these two groups have nothing whatsoever in common with each other and therefore can't even have the same feelings towards one single fictional character. They've given us our "representation", the Sheldon Coopers and the Rain Mans, and essentially said, "Here you go, enjoy your seven (7) canonically autistic characters, and leave every other character in the world to us." And then have the gall to act surprised when we're not particularly happy with what we've been given. Sure, Sheldon Cooper and Rain Man may technically count as representation, but that doesn't mean they're good, and it doesn't mean that they're enough. We need more than that.

You can make the exact same argument about queer characters or characters of colour. Marginalised groups are often given the bare minimum of representation and told that they should be grateful for it, as if everyone else in the world is bending over backwards to cater to them.

Surprise! That's not what's happening.

Instead we are supplied with the most boring, clichéd, unlikeable, stereotypical characters with very little personality, who are treated with very little respect by the people who literally created them. Why should we be grateful for that? It shouldn't be surprising, really, that we find ourselves feeling better represented by and more connected to characters who may not be specifically written as autistic but who we can relate to anyway, and have been written with respect, nuance and creativity. Real autistic people aren't as one-dimensional as we are in fiction. We've got personalities, interests, relationships and emotional journeys that are just as complex as yours, and we'd like this complexity to be reflected in the characters that are supposed to be for us. So when we don't get that, we end up being drawn to characters that were made for a more general audience.

One argument that I see frequently used to protest against autistic fans' relationship with these characters is: "it'll make people think they're autistic!"

Wow. People use stories as a means of self-discovery and a way to connect with others. Shocking. Truly shocking.

I have numerous problems with this argument. Firstly, it's concerningly close to being anti self-diagnosis. I hate to go off on a rant but the situation calls for it. Self-diagnosis isn't a bad thing. Often what people mean when they say "self-diagnosis" is "faking". These things are very different, and saying that someone is faking is always a risk because unless you know them personally and are aware of their entire medical history, you cannot be certain about something like this. And accusing every other person of faking a disability just because they don't fit your idea of what that disability should look like is not only extremely presumptuous, but perpetuates stereotypes and misconceptions that can be potentially dangerous.

And issues around self-diagnosis are multitude. Sure, it's not exactly ideal that it exists, but it's reality. People can't always access an official diagnosis; the assessment process is often long and exhausting; an official diagnosis can stop people from immigrating to certain countries and can threaten their ability to get jobs and have children; doctors aren't always correct in their diagnoses anyway, especially if the person they're diagnosing is AFAB and/or a person of colour. And even if someone doesn't give themself exactly the correct label, personally I think it's better to be slightly off the mark and still know how to describe your experiences and what accommodations and support you need, than to have no idea what's going on in your head and not know how to cope with your struggles.

Also, self-diagnosis is much, much more than just seeing a person with the same traits as you and thinking, "they're autistic so I must be too". It involves loads and loads of research. Hell, even the build-up to an official diagnosis involves loads of research, especially if you can't access private healthcare and have to lurk at the bottom of a waiting list for months before you get to talk to a doctor. I did at least two years of research, and I have been both self-diagnosed and professionally diagnosed. The official diagnosis was basically just telling me things I already knew about myself.

It's unlikely that so many people are deciding they're autistic just because they relate to a fictional character that it's a world-wide epidemic that needs to be stopped. Finding people we can identify with is important and helps a lot with self-acceptance. And it's a completely natural thing for people who are discovering their own autistic traits to start noticing them in other people too. So why are we surprised when we see that actually happening? And why are we acting like it's some kind of terrible thing? Do I need to remind you about Abed Nadir? The character who so many autistic people loved and connected with that Dan Harmon realised he was autistic because he based the character on himself? Give me one example where a scenario like this has ended badly. Just one.

In conclusion: you're allowed to have things in common with autistic people. And autistic people are allowed to connect with fictional characters. We're not hurting anyone. It's not the end of the world. Keep your hair on. If you're so offended that we see ourselves in not-explicitly-autistic characters instead of the one-dimensional caricatures we've been told are "for us", give us better representation. But it's not like you have a claim over every character that isn't explicitly autistic. It's not a "this is mine so you can't have it" situation. If you're thinking like that, you belong in a preschool with the rest of the toddlers who haven't learnt how to share things.

[transporttoanotherplace]

I just finished Husband Material by Alexis Hall and the ending has me in deep thought about marriage. A lot of the discussion centered around the emotional health of marriage but I was actually surprised that there was no mention of the economic health. And now I want to know if it's because I am from the USA (the book is set in London).

Is marriage not as powerful as an institution in other nations as it is in the USA? I know in some it is even more powerful and in my view in a negative way as marriage is used as power over women (Yeah, I know that's how it started out in most nations too. Not here to argue that). I am talking marriage here where two consenting adults go into it deciding they want to be with each other til death do them part.

Here are some benefits in the states for married couples:

Insurance-I could be added to my spouse's health insurance for an extra cost if I didn't have it or no cost (depends on how great your company is). This one I am sure is very US-centric as many other nations have universal healthcare. Anyway, you can imagine why this would be such a big bonus in our eyes.

Tax benefits- If my spouse were to die all estate, property, and assets given to me are tax-free. Joint filing is really helpful when there's a large income disparity (for example when I was in school and my spouse was working full time).

Benefits in general-Disability, social security income (income we receive after age 62 that we've paid over time while working), Veteran's benefits, Medicare (health insurance for the elderly). Basically, any money given to my spouse for a benefit they qualify for I could tap into.

Family leave- Don't get me wrong, I don't know of many companies that would deny you taking leave or calling out sick for a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. But that's sick hours. I get bereavement leave if it's my spouse (not much but hey it's a benefit).

Medical rights- I can visit my spouse in the hospital. I get say over their medical care if they're incapacitated. I can decide how they are buried.

Consumer stuff- there's a lot of discounted stuff for families

School- This isn't one many people think of but it's why my wedding was a small civil court marriage vs a grand wedding. I could not qualify for financial aid because my parents refused to provide tax documents for aid. Even if they had I think it would have been too high of income but my parents never wanted to help me with school financially (it's a very privileged person who has a family that will pay). To remove my dependent status we decided to get married and that is how I was finally able to obtain my dream of going to college in my twenties without taking out 50K+ in private loans.

Court- conversations between my spouse and I are confidential and I will not be charged with a crime for refusing to share it (exceptions apply)

These are just a few I know about. I am sure there is more but I think you get the gist. Marriage is extremely powerful in the USA and it's a big reason why the LGBTQ+ community fought so hard. I remember reading stories about gay couples adopting one another before it was legal as a workaround to get the inheritance and medical benefits married couples do

There are a lot of workarounds to some of these, especially with wills. However, I can't count how many times someone has been screwed over for not being married to someone and the person dies. So I am really curious to hear from people all over if it's similar or really different?

[myrthing]

I struggle leaving my home. It is not agoraphobia. It is the primary, and often only, disabling factor of my life.

I can't be talked into, persuaded, cajoled, tempted, induced, guilted or otherwise influenced into leaving my flat. Or into doing anything I don't want to do, frankly, but nothing else is as big of an issue as going outside.

I guess I might respond to bribery, but only for a short time, and it's not like the city is going to pay me extra "get out the door" money as disability aid anyway.

It fucking sucks to be caught in this situation. I had attendance issues in school because of this, starting over twenty years ago. I have never had a job because of this. It is at least not the only reason I can't study, but it's a contributing factor there nonetheless.

I have improved a bit with stimulants, but the baseline is that I still will stay home. I am however pretty hopeful that they will continue helping me, since I've only been on a functioning dose since October and I might still be able to increase it.

Unsurprisingly, I'm not happy with the status quo. I am fully capable of doing a job. I am fully capable of doing a lot of jobs, frankly, provided the right accommodations. I'm partially capable of doing even more types of jobs if we decide that the span of time I would be capable of them is completely irrelevant (I can't work as a cleaner. See "I will not do things I don't want to do").

I am—metaphorically—dying with frustration aimed at myself. I am simultaneously taking up resources that would be better used for someone else, and not using the resources provided to me because they can't actually help me. There isn't any aid for "refuses to leave flat, has barricaded self in bedroom and refuses to speak". Manhandling being generally frowned upon.

....

.........

Eureka? I knew writing was a good idea: I think, now, that the issue is that I've gotten so good at acting normal that my actual struggles never go so far as to trigger me. I can talk my way out of situations that would make me melt down if they were pushed further, and I am listened to because I am disgustingly, awfully verbal*, I'm mostly fluent, I'm articulate, I'm middle class, I don't look different, I don't generally even act different, and I appear to understand myself so well.

This ties into what my mother and I discussed over dinner tonight, namely that we haven't used my depression as a tool the way we should have. I should have been getting my doctor to put me on sick leave every time the depression got the better of me, even when I haven't been working or had any kind of activity. Instead we've just treated depression as my default state, instead of the debilitating illness it is. Although I guess we're in good company: the healthcare system has never cared about it either.**

It does mean there's no documentation of my really deep depressive periods, so that sucks.

Anyway I lost interest in continuing this. I had a lightbulb moment but now it's two thirty in the morning and I have a headache and heartburn and I really should sleep.

*I was not particularly good at talking when I was diagnosed as autistic as a teenager, nor did I particularly want to talk. I have learnt to speak in the intervening... second half of my life. A fact some might regret because goddamn, I do not shut up.

**The depression is currently medicated, and medicated well, but it took a couple of years before anyone did anything for it, and another eight before I was put on a combination of medicines and dosages that actually works. Or it took precisely half my life, if we're counting stimulants.

[brightlotusmoon]

Hello! List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the ask box for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! Learn to know your mutual and followers! :3 (don't need to do it if you don't want to)

1. Neurotransmitters working correctly. I can't make my own so I use store bought, it's fine.

2. Cats. My cats. All cats. Kittens. I need a box of kittens, stat.

3. Fanfiction. Ninja Turtles fanfiction. Mikey fanfiction. Mikey angst fanfiction that gives him ADHD and psychic empathy and real emotional intelligence with epic wisdom. I've been doing this for thirty years don't make me stop now, it's how I cope. I love my sunshine child.

4. Chocolate. Preferably just plain milk or dark. Do you have any?

5. Being loved and loving in return. Hugs, give me hugs. It's dopamine, I crave it. Yes, I'm one of those autistics who loves hugs, big tight hugs that can soothe my ADHD crow brain because I get to focus on the shiny that is you rather than the shiny that is oh shit is that the depression shadow monster lurking back there.

-

I don't know who to tag but they're probably other people in the TMNT fandom. I dunno.

This fandom makes me happy. It's not toxic like some people assume, it never was, not in the thirty years I've been involved. It just occasionally has some folks who get brought in by newer iterations who start bullying thus spreading toxicity a little, usually over headcanons where the characters represent marginalized identities, which doesn't make any sense because these characters aren't even human and are animal based mutants specifically turtles which let's face it will do all sorts of bizarre things and don't need to be compared to humans who naturally fuck up each other just because someone doesn't look or behave certain ways.

I prefer corvids. And felines. And vulpines. My first real online fanfic OC* was a mutated calico cat human with my own disabilities and orientations and I made her into Mikey's best friend and then surprise lover and then surprise polyamory, because my writerbrain is Like That a lot.

I have a new OC who is a fennec fox humanoid mutant again same hat as the other and I wish I could eat strawberries all day and bounce around and nibble a person's hand to show I love them. I nibble my own hand when I'm anxious, but I'm autistic ADHD and that's stimming and it's my hand though. Oh, and a human OC, same hat, for another AU. Which reminds me that AU fics are Alternate Universe headcanons and not canon thus why the heckity hells do people threaten each other anyway, it's fantasy and we don't own it, we just play pretend and share it with each other in the hopes that we're not alone in wanting to commiserate all these nifty ideas and theories and squee when we connect and curl up when we get scolded; and the very fact that we get threatened because we have shared fiction ideas that will never work out in the real world is a sad fact I still can't wrap my head around, you would think after my literal twenty years on internet platforms I would understand everything but nah. Even the various official creators and different creators coming from fandom into franchise had the same thoughts and I remember the conversations where they said how confused they were too at fans trying to hurt each other, nobody took it so seriously. So I guess what makes me happy is seeing fans open up to each other, make creative content that resonates, rising above bullying that comes from the bullies' own fear and revulsion and hatred and conflation of ideas that shouldn't be the same but they're probably sheltered and naive anyway so I don't hate back, I was sheltered too and I'm still naive. And it's funny and weird how I easily lose working memory yet random long term storage memories keep surfacing. What makes me happy is that I still have a whole mind, full of stuff, brain all wrinkly with knowledge which makes me think of Jason from The Good Place talking about how smooth brains don't have much knowledge or information, and there goes my crow brain again, I really think I want to nickname ADHD and change it to Cognitive Attentive Tempo Syndrome, I have CATS in my brain, my brain is a Kinetic Cognitive Style room full of cats and there's toys everywhere.

I'm happy my disabled body is still standing and moving after forty years since my birth at 26 weeks back when nobody knew anything, and in a couple of months it'll be 41, and there will be even more information and education and I want to be a test subject, an example, of living fairly well past the life expectancy that they used to assume for cerebral palsy and for autism and for ADHD all separate so imagine it all at once, and the neoteny that comes with each, plus now EDS, and wow I'm giving myself so much serotonin just thinking all this, because there's also major depressive disorder that hell might be cyclothymia I dunno I'll talk to my doctors, and then there's temporal lobe epilepsy that a lot of people just die from at all ages, and I've become such an advocate and activist and alive and forever pro choice and autonomy, and my parents still adore the hell out of each other and me, and I'm teaching them through my advocacy just as they taught me, and I don't think I could ever do public speaking but maybe in a nursing college, a disability advocate speaker? Because there is always everything to learn and relearn and discover and uncover and it's important to be able to change our minds and our thinking and our habits and our coping strategies and our understanding of how things work because nothing is static everything progresses, even cerebral palsy which is surprisingly a thing that while static and progressive still leads to changing neurobiological and neuromuscular updates via neuroplasticity, my physical therapist calls me unique among all his patients, a Variable when there shouldn't be, and it makes me happy that we are discovering things about my neuropsychology and musculoskeletal system that nobody ever considered, and I want to be around to see medical science make all sorts of conclusions that could help others like me.

What makes me happy is learning, connecting, passing on knowledge, being cautiously optimistic in this nihilistic sense of how everything matters in the nothingness where nothing matters intrinsically but each small thing matters on the surface, extrinsic, how it is seen and felt and considered. People forget what existential nihilism supposed to mean. I may not matter in the totality, but I matter in the little bits that count for others like me, and that makes me happy.

[anths-girl]

So, it's my birthday in just less than a week - on the 17th of August. And...I've been TRYING to get some, well...support? Help? Charity?! And yes, by that, I DO mean I've been asking for money. Because at this point, it REALLY is the ONLY thing that will make ANY difference to my - OUR, me and my family's - situation.

I see lots of posts about people reaching out, saying they're going through bad things. Even people who are possibly suicidal. And most of the responses are either that they should "get help", OR that they are just looking for attention. Hence why I, mostly, DON'T try to "reach out" on social media. Because for one, if someone told me to go "get help", I'd probably explode. "Therapy", or talking to someone, or, God forbid, meds, are NOT going to do a damn thing to make things better for me. It's not gonna pay our bills, make my parents healthy again, or keep me from crippling anxiety that my dogs are gonna get sick or die. It's not gonna make the stress of where we're gonna get money for food every week, or what we're gonna do if our car breaks down, go away. ALL of those things will NEVER go away. On the contrary, they just get worse.

I don't have anything good to look forward to. The ONLY things in my life, that are inevitably GOING to happen, are bad things. I'm going to lose the ONLY people in the world who matter to me - and also the only people who love or care about me - my parents. I'm going to lose my two little Angels, the BEST thing in my life, my doggos, Pippin and Lola. And after that, I'll have nothing left. NOTHING. Nothing to actually LIVE for, anyway, because my purpose in life, is looking after my parents and my dogs. Sure, my parents aren't invalids, or totally incapable of taking care of themselves. But I have to make sure they take their meds at the right times, and the RIGHT meds. I have to help my mom bath and wash her hair. I make meals, I take the doggos outside for their potty breaks, up to past 12 at night. I get up when there's a thunder storm, and Pippin is scared, so I sit with him, even if it's 4 AM.

I don't do much, yes. There are people who work their ASSES off, every day. And I don't. I know that. I feel useless and worthless a LOT of the time. BUT...a lot of the time, I also think I DO deserve something nice. Some appreciation. Hell, EVERYONE does. No matter how much or little you DO on a daily basis. And dammit, I WANT to have a nice birthday, for once. I want to maybe get a bit of money, from SOMEWHERE. And NO - I don't want money to spend. I want money to SAVE. To know it's there in my bank account, for when shit inevitably does hit the fan again. Because for us, it ALWAYS does.

I KNOW people WILL read this, and think: "She's desperate." And yes, I AM. Or: Wow - she's REALLY looking for attention, playing on people's feelings." And YES, I AM actually looking for attention! How ELSE will I get the message through?! And of course: "She's just trying anything to get money." YES - YES I AM. And my personal favourite: "Why doesn't she just get a job?" Well, again, I HAVE a job: taking care of my family. And, I am on medical disability pension.

BUT, what I am most DEFINITELY NOT DOING, is lying. About ANY of this. Every word is the honest to God truth. If you don't believe that, well fuck you very much. People lie and GET AWAY WITH IT, to make money EVERY DAY. But I am sure as shit NOT one of those people. I mean, I COULD probably start lying, and maybe get money that way. Or I could even try and steal. But guess what: I DON'T WANT TO. I need money really, REALLY badly. And yet, however desperate I AM, I'm STILL not going to do the WRONG things to get what I NEED. NO - instead, I'm doing THIS again. THIS, being appealing to total strangers on the internet. Which I HAVE, mind you, been trying for the past year or so. And YES, I have gotten donations/contributions. And I am SO, SO thankful for each one. But I DO need more. And I REALLY wish more people would BELIEVE ME, and maybe help out a bit. I keep saying it, and I MEAN it: EVEN JUST $1 WILL HELP. Literally EVERY CENT COUNTS. And really, if enough people give me just $1, it would be AMAZING. But I don't have a big audience, and I DON'T have enough resources to reach enough people. Which is why I'd REALLY appreciate more people seeing this, via sharing or whatever.

Most of all, though, I just want someone to HEAR ME. And to BELIEVE ME. We ARE STRUGGLING. We are ALWAYS struggling. Which is why I've been doing something I NEVER wanted to do: asking people for help.

So here I am. Asking for HELP. PLEASE. Just $1 isn't a lot to ask. Or, actually, I KNOW it IS a lot to ask, if you DON'T HAVE IT. Which is MY LIFE every single day. I wish I could help OTHER people, but I can't. Because I have NOTHING to give. Instead, I am the one who's asking. Begging, really. Please. Please find it in your heart to help my family. Or, to give me a great 36th birthday present.

Either way, THANK YOU for reading, IF you read this far. And if you DO consider helping, there actually WOULDN'T be words enough to thank you.

Regards,

Marie.

https://paypal.me/anthsgirl

Or:

https://ko-fi.com/anthsgirl

[evisxerate]

Gonna use this acc/site to talk abt body stuff bc I don't rly feel as comfortable anywhere else and it's bothering me a lot, but like. I've gotten to the point where I have to be sitting pretty much my entire shift at work and this progression or whatever has kinda been stressing me out. I can't stand for v long in general w/o numbness, pain, pinching(?) (feels like my feet/ankles are covered in fire ants), swaying, nausea, exhaustion, shit like that. Standing is literally so fucking exhausting, and I can't even deny it or try to push through it at this point. A couple times lately I've tried to stand at the beginning of my shift but it's pretty much instant pain, and it all gets worse until I have to sit after like 10 minutes, usually even sooner and 30 minutes tops if I try to power through. I can still get up and walk around the store when I need to but my legs have been either numb/stiff or strained (something that's been happening in general w/ walking lately, it feels like I pulled the muscles in both my legs or something, and I can't stay balanced) when doing it lately? :') it's super not fun to come to the realization that this isn't just going away, and it seems like it's getting worse, along w/ my hip/knee/ankle pain being worse and more frequent

This all doubly sucks bc the only way I can sit at work is on the counter. I have to use our stepladder to get up to it and off of it, and even when I'm sitting the pain is genuinely excruciating. My back it totally fucked and the pain doesn't go away, it's been giving me headaches, and my legs continuously go numb or get tingly, especially bc I have to have them crossed somehow

This all just sucks rly fucking bad and its really confusing bc I don't know why this is happening? A friend tried to say it's bc I don't get up and move around a lot but that's incredibly untrue. I've been moving more lately than I have in a long time, I'm constantly going up and down stairs, I have to cross the mall I work at often, I'm out and about way more, I'm almost never in bed unless I'm sleeping. I'm so much more active and in some ways it's actually been helpful. I genuinely don't think it would make any sense for the explanation for this shit to be bc I'm "not moving around enough". I know myself and I know what I've been doing even if it doesn't look that way on the outside?? Like I'm fucking moving and doing things fucking constantly, and I'd sit/lay down more if I could. Its hard for me to wanna blame the pain and problems on being more active too tho

This shit is all just so frustrating, and there's not even rly anything I can do. My cane doesn't really help anymore, it hurts my wrist more than anything, and I have no other aid or medication or anything that helps. I fr don't know how to deal w/ this lol

And I'm still sitting here being like "I don't think my pain is enough to warrant calling myself disabled" and "because I'm not diagnosed w/ anything it doesn't count" which is honestly probably bullshit?

Anyways I have like 3 1/2 hours left of this shift and I feel like death lmao

[the-yearning-astronaut]

Currently feeling anxious and very on edge and I was going to say idk why but I actually very much do know why I just don't know what to do about any of it.

Under the cut because there's a lot and I don't want to big down anyone's dash....

I'm in a sort of limbo right now. School has finished. It's been my literal driving force and my primary routine for three years. That routine and security is now completely gone.

I have an awkward 2.5 weeks between finals ending and my internship starting. That is both too much time (I'm doing too much overthinking and dwelling) and not enough time (I have so much to do and pack and idek where to start).

I don't know what to pack and no one seems to be able to get me a clear idea of what I should bring. I know I need to pack for essentially three different seasons because the temps can have a 40°F difference between night and day. Gotta love the desert. I know I need bedding and towels and basic kitchenware. But that's it. Do I need hangers for a closet or do I only have a dresser? Do I need a bath mat or shower curtain or is the place I'm staying basically fully furnished? There are no TVs -- is taking my own too excessive? What about taking my playstation? My houseplants? How much space in the kitchen will I have to store food in? Why does no one else seem to have these questions and why are they ok with just... Packing a few things and moving somewhere for 3 months?

Also I'm supposed to have been paid my first lump sum last Monday so that I actually had money to get the food and supplies and gas I'll need to get down there but ofc someone in HR or wherever fucked up and I haven't received a payment and no one seems to know where the money is coming from or who's in charge of making sure I get it.

Idk how to handle disability disclosure. My disabilities have the potential of putting my safety at risk -- especially considering where I'll be -- so for safety reasons alone I feel I should mention POTS at least. But the entirely new routines, new people, new location, new everything is.... That's gonna really mess me up for a while or will at least be a recurring issue through the duration of the program. I feel that I can count on at least few meltdowns. I'll be at high elevation, outside, in the desert. My medications make me more sensitive to UV rays than my pasty skin already makes me. I burn really easy, really quick regardless of whether I remembered sunscreen or not. And I have NO idea how to bring up the issue of fibro flare ups. Like hi yes I know I have a full schedule today but I'm gonna have to either limit my hours or not participate at all because I'm currently in bed experiencing full body pain and I can't think clearly atm. No idk if I'll feel better in 4 hrs or 4 days. And ofc high stress and anxiety situations are triggers for flare ups so it's basically a vicious cycle.

I'm scared because I really really want this. I've been wanting this internship for a full f-ing year and it's doing exactly what I want to do in one of my absolute favorite places and it's going to open doors to other jobs but. I'm so worried I'm gonna f-it up. That I'm gonna have to quit early with my tail tucked between my legs and I KNOW sometimes you have to stop and acknowledge that some things just aren't possible and it's not your fault but I've already done that again and again and I don't know what else I'd do with my life if not this. I can't keep living at home but I can't move out unless I have a full-time job and even the I probably can't afford rent anyway and I don't have friends I can move in with.

I'm so tired and overwhelmed and I feel like I can't turn to my mom for help because she's working two jobs and is already providing emotional support to her sister as she works through the death of my uncle. My bro is working two jobs and has far too much of his own BS to worry about and I definitely can't count on my dad for anything.

I'm just. Really at a loss rn and after that fiasco of a semester I don't have the emotional energy to deal with any of it.

[harmcityherald]

hospital nurses playing at games over pain meds. its the altogether predictable balance of power and ego. made me wait 2 hrs after I called then shows up with what is obviously half the dose and smiles in your face, daring you to say a thing because you know how ur night will go if you rock the boat. yes Im disliked but naomi honey, Im not ur typical pin cushion. you will pay in the morning. third incident to me. abuse is rampant in the hospitals because family cant be here to advocate for them. tonite will count as the 3rd time im dealing with hostility and targeted neglect. but naomi honey, im planning a nice detailed report for the administrators. your name in lights. at least you didn't lay hands on me. the last few did. why the great maker drags me thru these things i may never know but i keep walking. walking thru the storms you line up. i dunno if this has been addressed by anyone else. i been here almost 7 days. i already have had 3 occurrences. Im betting my bottom dollar the more disabled you are the more likely you're getting abused. hey maybe i do look like i live on the street but Im don't. Im the undercover target you will wish you had not messed with. wat happened before? i had the gi tube shoved back too far not only gagging me but the tube stopped working it was too deep. the other leaned down into my face telling me not to drink out of a straw then took my cup and banged it on my table. gowned up from a different room no less. i pushed it back to her and said here you touched my cup its urs now. im already infected yes. but its the point. so naomi must be one of the girls. doing the im not bringing your medicine game. people are inherently shit. im telling you it was half the dose. been pounding it for 7 days i know the look of the syringe and the feel in the blood. eyes widened when I asked about too. i just looked at her and shook my head. i was trying to push the doses im taking farther apart. dilaudid is another fine constipater but from what i gather nothing is reaching my intestines anyway. i was gonna go for another 8 but for the illustrious namoi? Ima hammer it every 4 tonite. just for you. besides i feel like shit i have the doctors order if im in pain give. me. my. medicine. like wtf. i dont even have a clue what i did to deserve this besides i reported the tube pusher. shoved in my grill with open hostility. you shouldn't have to fight for ur life while you are fighting for your life. take my word abuse is running rampant in hospitals. the lockdown has given them free reign to pull their shit. there are many abusers in society, why does the great maker think I want to meet them all. i feel sorry for those who are weaker than me. it must be a true nightmare for them. abusers enjoy that. these halls are full of them, not just nurses. the doctors, the security, the janitors all have them in the ranks. and i will say from the time of my surgeries 4 years ago and now here at bayview the housekeeping crew treated me better than the medical staff. they don't demand worship for service poorly rendered. half a dose. i bet she took it herself. enjoy your buzz honey. ill see you at 1am. then 5am. and i will document your times and i will ask you again and again. half a dose? u sure? are u really sure honey? is it all there? just my imagination? oh yes u have my chart you know im psycho. again choosing targets to gaslight.

its frustrating to be sure. Im working on me. not to lash out. hold my anger and approach these abusers with calmness and refuse to get my feathers ruffled. i plan better at that. i document. then i will calmly hand it to ur boss and the patient advocates. I told them i had retaliation fear in here. this is exactly what i meant. piss them off their friend naomi gets u later. It's Baltimore baby, remember snitches get stitches. I have played this game one too many times. i may be ranting but you tell me. am i wrong to say this? you probably have some of ur own hospital nightmare stories. i aint blowin smoke out my ass.

i wish something would come out of my ass. its why im here. lol.