#anyway have some feelings I just vomited up and now need to cry over

[spacebaby1]

hiyaaa

Can I ask Rindou's reaction to the fact that his partner is expecting his child?

and for more drama (I'm a dramatic girl and I love drama) you could have Rindou's partner hide the situation from him

drama, angst but happy ending 😝

Hiii! Bestie, I got you! One thing about me is that I live for drama in writing 🎀😌🫱🏻‍🫲🏼 let's start!

You and Rindou never had an argument because he always listened to you, but that didn't last long. You couldn't even remember what escalated the whole conversation into an argument, which led to Rindou slamming the door behind him as he left you'd house last night. The whole night you couldn't sleep not until the sun was out and your eyes gave up from all the crying; you weren't even sure why you were feeling emotional usually it's hard to make you cry. Anyways, you fell asleep around the early hours of the day after shutting your phone completely.

All the crying tired your body to no end that you ended up sleeping until late afternoon. Around four in the afternoon you woke up with a painful headache and aching in your abdomen and before you could grab your phone you felt your stomach turned and you ran to the bathroom, throwing up for a good half an hour before you sat on the bathroom floor.

The memories of yesterday's argument came rushing to you after you were back in your room sitting on your bed with your head in your hands. You weren't feeling well at all and thought the argument took a toll on you so bad that you were about to get sick. You didn't question the vomiting because it was how you'd react if you had a heated argument; it was natural body response to you. Finally, picking up your phone, you turned it on only for Rindou's texts. Fill your screen, followed by numerous of missed calls:

My love: Baby are you okay?

Look, I'm really sorry for shouting at you. I just lost control. But it wasn't your fault. It was me. Please forgive me?

My love:Darling? Can I call you?

*missed call*

*missed call*

My love: baby please answer me, at least end the ringing so I'll know you can see my calls.

My love: I'm so soo sooo sorry

My love: I can't sleep after I made you upset, I'm an idiot! I wish I can hold you right now...

My love: Are you sleeping, sweetie? Good night, my beautiful baby.

12:23 P.M

My love: baby? Sweetheart? Please text back.

My love: at least tell me you're not hurt I'm fucking going insane!

My love: y/n! Baby, I'm sorry!

3:50 P.M

My love: I'm worried about you angel, text me! It's not your usual self to sleep this much.

My love: Can I come by? I'm sorry baby, please don't give me the silent treatment. I'm so sorry, and i would apologize a thousand times if it means you'll forgive me the thousandth time."

He must've seen you reading the texts, and before you could reply, he called you. You sighed and answered, "Baby? Baby, are you okay?" You heard his tired voice. It wasn't until you answered that you realised how sore your throat was, "hi," it came out almost as a whisper before your cough holding the phone away a bit. Rindou panicked at the sound of your tired voice and coughing, "I'm coming over-"

"No, please not now," you replied in a low voice, "I'm not feeling well, just-just- I nee-" you were crying again, he heard you snuffling. "D-dont cry," now he was crying, You shook your head as if he could see you, "I'm so sorry, I hurt you. "I'm so sorry and i would apologize a thousand times if it means you'll forgive me the thousandth time. Just let me see you."

"Please, Rindou. I need space."

"You're not breaking up with me, are you?" He asked with a shaking voice. "No, Rin, I just need to be alone now." You heard his little sigh, "Okay, baby. Did you just wake up? You sound tired, let me order you some food-"

"No, Rin. I can-"

"No, please. At least let me do what I'm supposed to do as your boyfriend. Let me take care of you?" He sounded defeated, but you loved how he always took care of you No matter where he was. "Okay, I love you." You could almost hear his smile when you said that, "I love you more baby, call me if you need anything." You hung up and rubbed your forehead. The next two days were blurry because of how exhausted and sick you were. Usually, you'd let the fever go away, but it kept getting worse to the point that you couldn't put food down in your stomach.

On the third day you decided to visit the doctors and run some blood test to make sure it isn't anything serious and you wish it wasn't what you heard. "Miss Y/n? The blood test shows that everything is fine, just a slight changes in BP but it's normal at this stage."

"Huh? What do you mean at this stage?" You asked the doctor, and she looked at you confused then back at the chart that she was holding. "The pregnancy, you are three months pregnant, Y/n. Did you not know that?" Your eyes widened, and you could barely hear anything after that. Suddenly, it hit you. You were late, and you've been feeling so much different.

"I'm pregnant? Three mo-month?" You whispered more to yourself than a question to your doctor. The doctor nodded, "it explains that vomiting and the abdominal pain, are you okay?"

You got up, " Can you do an ultrasound? Can i see it?"

The doctor nodded, "Sure, if you'd want to."

You almost cried when you saw the screen of your ultrasound, "This is the baby." She pointed at the screen, and you smiled, forgetting the whole world the moment you saw your baby, "do you want the prints?" You nodded, whipping your happy tears away. It wasn't until you got home and saw the picture of you and Rindou on your phone screen is when your smile dropped; Rindou will not take the news well, you thought to yourself and you thought you were doing a good job at avoiding his texts and calls; it was a bad idea because he only grew more concerned about your relationship.

It was another day of you feeling absolutely horrible and vomiting all morning until your stomach was in knots. You heard the frantic bell ringing, followed by knocking on the front door. Groaning you got up holding your stomach with one hand as to you made your way towards the front door without asking who it was you opend the door slowly only to find Rindou standing there with tired eyes and looking panicked. He immediately gathered you in his arms making you yelp in surprise of how hard he was holding you; one of his hands on the back of your head and the other hilding you by the shoulder, "how could you avoid me for two weeks? I'm going insane thinking about you, baby. Why do you hate me so much? Fuck! I missed you." You gasped for air, "Ri, you are c-cruching me, I'm in pain-" He immediately let go and you almost fell on the ground passing out but he held you to his chest as you caught your breath, "you gonna crush me to death?" You asked in a low voice and groaned in pain holding your stomach. "Did I hurt you? I am so sorry, baby." He picked you up bridle style and headed towards your room, carefully placing you on your bed before sitting beside you and checking your forehead, "baby? You're burning." You shook your head, holding his hand in yours, "it's nothing, just an upset stomach. W-what are you doing here?" You asked, feeling yourself drifting to sleep. He sat on the floor next to the bed, kissed your hand, "you haven't text back for two weeks. I was worried, and you're sick yet you didn't call me?"

You shook your head, "I went to the doctors, it's nothing just a stomachache, it'll go by it's own." Rindou shook his head, "No, let me take care of you, do you wanna eat something?"

"I can't, I'll throw up, and it only hurt my stomach more, I just need to lay down." You said almost in a whisper before eventually falling back asleep, still holding Rindou's hands. "My baby," he kissed your forehead before running to get some cold cloth and place it on your forehead. Since you were sleeping, he decided to tide up your vanity a bit since you couldn't do it, and he noticed your things everywhere.

Rindou picked your make-up and placed them to the side, then your accessories which he put away in the box, and he grabbed your other things and opend the drawer to put them away only to find the ultrasound prints next to the results. His heart started beating fast as he took the picture in hand, eyes wide open he read it again and again making sure what he was looking at was indeed a baby and the test had your name on it. You were pregnant, and he felt his eyes blurred when he saw the date; it was a two and half week old test. He could hold back his sobs as he looked at the ultrasound prints. He was trying not to wake you up with his sobbing and he was shaking so hard that he had to sit down on the floor because he didn't trust his knees to hold him standing; he's gonna be a father? Did you even want the baby? Why didn't you tell him?

He sobbed for an hour before making his way towards you and softly kissing your forehead which made you wake up, and you blinked at him. He caressed your cheek with the back of his hand with tears falling from his eyes which made you immediately sit on your bed, "Rinny? Wh-why are you crying? What's wrong?" You cupped his puffy face in your weak hands as your eyes met with his hand holding the ultrasound prints in his hands as more tears fell from his beautiful eyes, "Why didn't you tell me? I'm I not en-" you hugged him closer feeling yourself about to cry, "Don't say that, please." You whispered and he hugged you.

You both stayed like that for minutes and on until Rindou whipped his tears and sat beside you on the bed, with you covered with the blanket and head resting on his chest while he couldn't stop smiling at the picture of your baby. "I'm sorry I wasn’t there for this." You shook your head cuddling closer, "you seem happy." He looked down at you and wrapped his arms around you, "I'm gonna be a dad, of course I'm happy. I can't believe it. I'm gonna be a dad. There's gonna be a mini version of our love? I hope it's a girl, then she'll look as beautiful as you. Did you check? Is it a girl? Or boy?"

You chuckled at his excitement, "No, I didn't. I was just terrified and happy to see the baby." He hugged you closer, "you don't need to be terrified. We'll be great, Mama and dada. I promise."

[afriendlyblackhottie]

In Between

Description: of course you’d come to them if your boyfriend wasn’t treating you right. They were your best friends after all. You weren’t expecting them to take advantage of the situation though.

Tags: minors dni, smut, oral (female receiving), edging, dubcon (better safe than sorry), if I missed any please let me know 😭

(A/N: Omg I’m finally just gonna put it out I’ve been writing this on and off for so long lmao still not edited though cuz fuck the grammar police hahaha I hope you all like it. Please like, follow, and reblog with a comment 💜✌🏾)

—————————————————-

“He wouldn’t what?” Bucky asked with a look of bewilderment on his face about what you had just told him.

Maybe you were doing the most by spilling things, but what can you say, you were upset. Had just walked in on your boyfriend with someone else after he’d told you over and over again that nothing had been going on. To say you were in your feelings was an understatement.

It wasn’t like things hadn’t been on and off for a long time anyway but this was the final straw. You were so sick of him doing this to you. Of him lying to your face.

Telling you that you’re the only one and that he was serious about you. Honestly you really should have known be would have turned out to be a player. The worst part was that it seemed like you were never the one to get off. Felt like you’d wasted your time. Probably why you were spilling everything to The Winter Solider.

It was almost like things were coming out as word vomit. Secrets spilling from your mouth that you hadn’t even told Natasha as they were too embarrassing.

Except he was sitting there acting like he really cared and clearly you needed that. Even more so when you started to say way too much.

“I know, right!” You scoffed. Thinking about the way he’d treated getting you off like some kind of chore.

Honestly you should have dumped him after the first time he said to you, ‘I don’t eat pussy.’

“So he never?” Bucky asked with a raised eyebrow.

You shook your head, sniffling. He looked so taken aback.

“That’s bullshit,” Bucky said once again with a scoff. Eyes trailing all over your body. Thinking to himself what an idiot your ex was for not appreciating what he had. “Aw, Honey,” he cooed, grabbing your hand when he noticed you tearing up.

As if you should be wasting tears on that asshole.

“I’m sorry,” you sniffled some more. “I don’t even know why I’m upset right now. He’s not even worth it.”

Well, he was happy that you knew that.

“It’s okay,” he replied. “You know I’m right here.”

You nodded as he leaned forward to pull you into a hug. Wrapping your arms around his shoulders. Needing to melt into him as the vulnerability hit you like a freight train.

“Thanks, Bucky,” you managed to say, pulling away so you could look at him. “Steve’s so lucky to have someone like you.”

Bucky glanced down at your lips. Wondering what Steve would say if he even saw the two of you in this position. You needing a shoulder to cry on as he wished he could comfort you in the way he wanted to.

Not like Steve wouldn’t understand. He saw the way his boyfriend looked at you.

“Yeah well, Steve’s stuck with me so…”

You chuckled stopping to wipe your eyes. Bucky gently placed a hand on your cheek so he could do the same. Thumbing away the droplets.

“Wish I could find a great guy like you. Hell like either of you. Seems like I’m only ever getting into relationships with assholes.”

That kind of sparked something in his chest. Hearing you say that. Sitting here spilling his heart out to him.

“Oh yeah?” He asked. “Well you know I think you deserve better.”

You smiled and wiped your eye. “Thanks, James.”

“It’s okay,” he said, finally reaching out to give you a hug. Seeing that you clearly needed it. “You know I’m always here for you.”

“I know,” you whimpered. Honestly you didn’t even know who else to come to besides him and Steve. They’d really done so much for you after they’d moved in. Sure you kind of had to get used to living next door to the superhero couple, but so far they’d kept you pretty safe.

It was super convent. Hadn’t had to walk any groceries up to your place in months either. Seemed like the two of them were always there to take care of whatever you needed. Took such good care of you. Always.

So how did you think Bucky was going to feel when he heard that your ex hadn’t been. As if any man wouldn’t be happy to have a face full of pussy. Especially yours. Honestly what a fucking idiot. Even the idea of getting a taste was making him feel things he normally didn’t.

“I can’t believe he wouldn’t eat you out, though,” he laughed. “What a- why didn’t you say anything.”

“I don’t know!” You laughed too, pulling away. “I just… I don’t know…”

“It’s okay. We’ll just find you someone that’s going to take care of you right.”

Once again you laughed and honestly he was just happy to see it. Hated having to see you cry. Especially over some bullshit like a man that couldn’t even pleasure you properly. Why cry over him when Bucky could be making you smile.

“You’ve got such a cute little laugh,” he complimented. Not like it wasn’t something he did a lot.

Him and Steve both did. Always wanting to let you know how beautiful they thought you were. Thought they’d just been doing it as your friends, but Bucky just couldn’t deny his attraction forever. Look at you.

Even crying you were one of the prettiest girls he’d ever seen. Had gotten all dolled up for an asshole that didn’t deserve it. Makeup creeping down your face. Fuck. You shouldn’t have to waste such a look.

You let another one of those giggles, looking down and using your shoulder to rub away a tear. Bucky leaned forward so he could place his hand underneath your chin. Lifting your head up. “Honestly, Doll,” he started, “you might be the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen in my life.”

“You’re just saying that,” you sniffled.

“No, I mean it. You know I do.“

“Bullshit,” you replied.

“I really do,” he said. “Why do you think Steve and I have to take care of you so much. Pretty thing like you shouldn’t have shit to worry about.”

Inside your heart felt like it could stop. He just looked so handsome as he spoke. Had recently gotten a haircut so he looked even better. Fresh faced. Even in a simple pair of jeans and a t-shirt he looked hot.

Not like you hadn’t thought about him or Steve before. Knew they were both bisexual so it wasn’t like they wouldn’t ever be interested in you but still it always felt like such a long shot. They were your best friends. You weren’t supposed to be thinking about them at night when you touched yourself. Especially when you had a boyfriend.

And they were from a different time. Actual gentleman back in the day from what you gathered. Wanted their women in the home and spoiled.

Sometimes the idea of it sounded kind of nice. Having a man dote on you. Then you had two of them really, really interested in your well being. Of course you were going to crush a little but you didn’t want to cross any lines.

“I don’t even know what I’d do without you both,” you said.

“Hey, that’s how we feel about you. Who else is going to cook for us and make sure our place is tidy when we’re gone.”

You chuckled. “You make me sound like a housewife.”

Bucky shrugged. “I mean… it’s a good look on you. Could see that.”

“Well, I mean, I’d have to find a guy first.”

“I mean… maybe you already have,” he said.

“What?” You asked with a chuckle. “Bucky, I-,”

“I know,” he cut you off. “But, can I be honest?”

“Okay…”

“You know how much I love having you around and I-,”

“What about Steve?” You asked him. “I can’t just… I can’t just do that to him.”

“We’ll worry about him later,” he replied, stroking your cheek, making you look at him. Finally placing a kiss on your lips.

You quickly pulled away with a gasp. “Bucky, we can’t… he’s my…”

“Shhh, don’t worry about, Steve, Baby,” he tried to assure you, your eyes hitting his. Something about his gaze making you feel warm on the inside.

“I- no we can’t just…”

“Yes we can,” Bucky said. “It’s okay.”

And as bad as you wanted to keep fighting him. For some reason you just couldn’t. As Bucky pulled you close so that he could go back to kissing you.

Fuck his lips did feel good. And everything with your now ex. You were vulnerable. You wanted to feel wanted.

But, Steve…

“Don’t worry about Steve, Baby,” Bucky whispered in your ear again. “Focus on me.”

Bucky’s fingers went under your dress. Gripping your thighs. A curl in his lip. Fuck he was so pretty.

He slowly pushed you down. Climbing on top of you so he could really take control. Pushing your legs up so that he could get in between them. Kissing you more before you could protest.

Bucky was getting his fucking taste. Just because your stupid little boyfriend didn’t want to taste it, didn’t mean he didn’t want to. He was getting it.

“Fuck!” You gasped as he started kissing your collarbone. No longer thinking about your ex or his boyfriend.

Felt good to have you right where he wanted you. Finally. It had taken him this goddamn long.

You laid back as Bucky got on his knees. Placing a kiss on one of your knees first before going up towards your thigh. A breath hitched in your throat. If you were feeling hesitant, he could change your mind.

“Bucky,” you whimpered as he spread your legs, to get a good look at your panty covered pussy.

“So fucking pretty,” he groaned as he looked up at you. His poor girl still obviously shy. That’s okay he’d take care of you. Just needed to-

“Fuck!” You cried as he kissed you through your panties. “We shouldn’t-,” you tried to keep it going.

Not like he cared as he pushed your underwear to the side so he could lick a strip from the bottom up to your clit. Making your words get caught in your throat as you laid back with a moan. Yeah that’s what he fucking thought. He knew you wanted this shit.

You trembled as he feasted on your clitoris. Sinking into the cushions as your hips stuttered. See he knew you liked it. It was so much better when you didn’t fight him. Now he could really give it to you.

He didn’t waste anymore time as he pulled the fabric from your body. Not giving a single fuck as to where it could have possibly been discarded before diving back in. It had been a long time since he’d done this, but it’s not like Steve wasn’t aware that he’d missed a woman’s touch. Maybe more than he realized.

“Fuck me, Bucky,” you sobbed as he got you closer. It had been so long since sex had just been about you that maybe you should take advantage of being a pillow princess. What girl wouldn’t want her hot metal armed best friend to eat her pussy. Can’t believe you tried to turn this down. “Don’t stop!”

Not like he planned too. Especially as he dipped his fingers into your cunt. Twisting them around so he could find your spot.

“Ah!” You cried, as soon as he hit it. That’s his fucking girl. He watched as your face twisted up in pleasure. Could taste how close you were. How yummy you were.

“Buck!” Steve’s voice could be heard from the hallway as the door slammed closed.

You sat up, quickly. Pushing his head away and scooting away from him to smooth out your dress. Shit. Fuck. “Babe, it’s okay,” Bucky whispered.

What the hell does he mean it’s okay. His boyfriend was about to walk in on-

“Oh, Y/N, I didn’t know you were here,” Steve said as he came into the room. Placing a quick peck on Bucky’s lips making your mouth drop. He had to have tasted you on his lips. You found yourself feeling stuck as you sat up, making sure you were covered. “Is everything okay?” Steve asked with a raised eyebrow.

Except it was like you couldn’t speak. What the hell were you supposed to even say as if his boyfriends face hadn’t just been close to making you squirt all over it.

“She caught Bryce cheating,” Bucky explained. Funny how that literally had not been on your mind this entire time.

Steve looked taken aback and scoffed. “What? No? Seriously?”

“Y-yeah… with… some girl,” you replied, not wanting to meet his eyes.

The super solider frowned as he grabbed your hand to pull you into a hug. Wrapping his arms around you. “Oh, honey. I’m sorry. He’s a fucking idiot,” he said, much like his boyfriend when you’d first told him.

Only making you feel more horrible inside. How the hell could you do this to him. Especially after what Bryce had just done to you.

“It’s okay,” you said. “Maybe I should go.”

“And go where?” Bucky asked. “Not back to that apartment I can tell you that. Just stay here.”

The pair of panties Bucky had taken off of you were practically staring at you from the other side of the room. Steve’s back turned to it. “At least stay for dinner,” he said. “We can get whatever you want.”

Except even the suggestion made you feel more awful. Steve did not deserve this. If anything you should just say it. Not that the words would actually leave your lips. Tongue tied and all you could do was nod.

It was insane how quickly Bucky was able to act totally normal. Or that you were more frustrated that you never actually got the chance to finish. They were right though, you really didn’t have anywhere else to go, but here.

So there you sat right next to Bucky as the three of you ate the dinner Steve had ordered you. Trying to keep your cool as you didn’t want to bring too much attention to yourself. Even as you squirmed in your seat, trying to relieve some of the pressure. Bucky had really done a number on you. Could still feel his mouth on your lapping at your clit.

“So what happened?” Steve had finally asked from his spot across from the two of you. Obviously wanting to know everything. Not like you two weren’t normally close.

Your jaw dropped as you immediately tried to think of a lie. “Um, nothing,” you blurted out.

Bucky put his hand on your thigh, attempting to relax you except you were way too on edge. How could he just be touching you like this.

His boyfriend on the other hand raised an eyebrow at your outburst. “I thought you caught Bryce cheating?” He asked.

You closed your eyes. Duh he was talking about that. “I mean, I did,” you replied with a nervous laugh. “Yeah, he was with some girl.” You sighed.

“Well, what are you going to do now? You know we’re not going to let you go back. We have a perfectly fine guest room,” he said a smile on his face. Looking every bit of nice and sweet as he always did. The guilt already feeling like it was going to eat you up.

Didn’t even pay attention as you felt Bucky’s metal hands going up your thigh more. Getting dangerously close to the intimate place his face had just been buried inside of. You put your hand over it to move him, but he didn’t budge. Not giving a single shit.

You gulped at his fingers found their way up your dress again. Biting your lip as he chuckled. Not taking his eyes off of you as you struggled to answer. “I can’t ask you to do that.”

“Bullshit.” Bucky laughed. “You’re staying with us, Doll.”

You crinkled your nose which turned into biting the inside of your cheek, trying to hold in a moan. “We won’t take no for an answer.”

Well, that much was obvious.

——————————————————

The two of them helped you get settled in. You wore one of Bucky’s t-shirts since you literally didn’t have anything else. Had finally managed to grab your panties before you hoped Steve had seen them.

Your body still screaming out for release. Before giving you his shirt he’d whispered in your ear. “And you better not make yourself cum when you’re in the shower. Only I’m allowed to do that.” Wanting to prolong your torture.

What kind of shit was that. How did he get you so worked up like this. So easily. Hell that whole time you were with Bryce you can’t remember that happening. Not like you wanted to think about him.

The distraction was pretty nice, you had to admit. Who had time to think about being cheated on when your hot best friend was trying to eat your pussy.

As you opened the door you poked your head out, hesitating to call out to them. Hey, guys?” You called. Poking your head out from the restroom.

“Yeah?” Both of them were quick to chime in.

“Can you bring me some shirts!?” You asked. “I’m a little… exposed.”

You couldn’t see him, but Bucky snickered as Steve tilted his head at him. Both of them standing on either side of their king sized bed. “What?” Bucky said. “Oh come on I’m sure it’s fine,” Bucky tried to say with a straight face, but as soon as he was done he chuckled.

Steve shook his head, but couldn’t help the smirk that came on his face. “It’s really short,” you complained. “And I don’t have clean underwear.”

With that Bucky winked in his boyfriend’s direction. “Be right back.”

The smirk didn’t drop from the super soliders face as his boyfriend left the room. Only to go back to making up the third spot on the bed between them.

“What’s up, Doll?” Bucky asked seeing your head still sticking out.

“It’s too short,” you said, biting your lip.

He raised an eyebrow. Going to push the door open, not caring that you’d been blocking it. “Lemme see.”

“No!” You protested.

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Oh come. You’re acting like I didn’t just eat you out,” he said.

“Steve is right outside,” you whispered harshly.

He rolled his eyes. “Steve’s in the room.”

“Yeah and he has super soldier hearing,” you pressed.

“It’s not all he has,” Bucky said under his breath. “Doll, you’re fine. I can’t even see anything.”

“My ass is out!” You gasped.

The man smirked at that, getting behind you to press your ass into his crotch. “And what a nice ass it is,” he whispered in your ear. Flesh hand landing on your breast to squeeze it and not giving a shit as you tried to swat him away. Going down your body until he was pushing up the shirt.

“We can’t!” You protested as his hand slipped down to your pussy. As bad as you wanted him to touch you, it didn’t seem wise. Fuck your body was practically crying for the release he couldn’t give you earlier.

“Everything okay?” Came the other man’s voice from outside the door.

Bucky scrunched his nose. “Yeah,” he called. Going to open up the door. “Tell her it’s not that bad,” he pressed.

You tried to tug it down so it was a little bit more past your thighs. Face heating up as Steve scanned up and down your body. “You look fine, Doll.”

Ugh. There the both of them go. The two of them were way too handsome to be having you stand here exposed with a dripping wet pussy. You bit your lip. Not like anyone else would see you. Just them. “Well… ok…” you sighed.

“Wanna watch a movie before bed?” Steve asked.

You nodded. Bucky put his hand on your lower back. Going down dangerously close to your ass. Only to finally come down to squeeze it tightly. Making you yelp. “Ah!”

Steve furrowed his eyebrows but laughed. “You ok?”

“I’m fine,” you squeaked, putting your hand over your mouth. Before making a pointed look at his boyfriend.

“Anyway, I was thinking we could watch a movie before bed,” Steve suggested.

“Actually, I’m kinda tired,” you immediately replied. Going to stretch your arms up and yawn until you remember how exposed you were.

“Oh come on, it’ll be fine,” Bucky said, nudging you.

“No. I have to be at work so early,” you replied. “It’s already way too late.”

“Hell no. You’re taking a sick day.” He looked appalled at the notion.

“I can’t.” You sniffled. “Besides, I’m off the next day. I’ll be fine.”

Bucky huffed. “Alright, fine, but what are you going to wear to work then?”

“I’ll just wash my clothes before we go to sleep,” you replied with a sigh. Haven’t exactly thought all of that through.

“So, movie it is?” Steve said.

Of course they’d get their way. Trying to keep your shirt from riding up too much as you went on your tippy toes to put your stuff in the wash. Closing your eyes when you realized your panties were still missing.

You peeked over to where they would have been. Except Steve would have definitely noticed them by now. “Looking for these?” Bucky asked. Holding up the pair. You immediately glanced over at where Steve was in the kitchen before reaching out to snatch them. “Ah, ah, ah,” he held them above his head. “Finders keepers, Doll,” he teased.

You let out a huff, crossing your arms. “Why are you being like this?” You asked. Honestly it was all so shocking. Normally he was such a sweetheart. He eats you out once and this is what he turns into?

Bucky shrugged. “Because I can,” he replied with a wink before leaning into kiss your cheek. “Now wipe that look off your face before I do it for you. You hear me?”

You nodded and sniffled. Wishing you’d gone anywhere else. Natasha’s maybe. Or hell even Sam’s place would have been fine. Not like you didn’t like how Bucky’s mouth had felt on you. It’s just now you were feeling terrible for doing all of this under Steve’s nose.

“Good girl,” he said, placing a chaste kiss on your lips.

You sighed as he went back to the bedroom. Making you raise an eyebrow. Weren’t the three of you supposed to be watching a movie?

“Hey, Doll,” Steve said from his spot on the bed. Going through Netflix. “What movie did you wanna watch?”

“Oh? We’re watching in here?”

“Yeah?” He replied. “That a problem?”

You looked over at Bucky who despite not responding, had a smirk on his face that you wish you could wipe off of him. Sitting there smug with his hand in his pocket. No doubt toying with the pair of panties he’d stolen.

“Actually I think I’m just gonna go to bed after all,” you said. “I’m really tired.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Well, I forgot to set up the guest room.”

You crinkled your nose. Of course he did. “That’s ok. I can just sleep on the couch.”

“What?” Steve chimed in. “We have more than enough room for you, Doll. Come on.”

They had to be fucking with you. No way was Bucky getting what he wanted just like that. “No it’s fine. I’ll just get blankets from the linen closet.”

“Doll,” Bucky’s voice was stern. Commanding even. “Come. Here.”

You hated it when your feet started moving. Whether you wanted them to or not. “What?” You asked, not meeting his eyes as you stood in front of him.

“First of all, drop the attitude. Second, we told you, you’re sleeping in here so get over it.”

Steve watched the two of you, not saying a word. Didn’t he care that his boyfriend was trying to manipulate you? Right in front of him. Your bottom lip quivered, tears prickling at your eyes.

“I just wanna go to bed,” you whispered.

“Fine. There’s a perfectly good spot right between us. Is there a problem with that?” You shook your head. Not wanting to even argue anymore. Didn’t even feel worth it.

It was just too much for one night. All of it was. Can’t believe you hadn’t just started bursting out crying right between them.

Instead you tried to get some sleep. As restless as you were. Trying to keep yourself from tossing and turning since you didn’t want to bother them. Not like you had much room considering you were squeezed between two giant super soliders. “You ok?” Steve asked in a tired voice.

“Hm?” You hummed, not taking your eyes off the ceiling. “Can’t sleep.”

He yawned. “Hey, I know your ex was an ass, but you know Buck and I are going to be with you through this whole thing, right?”

You nodded, not saying out loud what was really on your mind. Fuck this was so wrong. Screwed up on so many levels. Too bad you didn’t kick Bryce out instead of coming over here, but at the time it was the natural thing to do.

Hell there was barely even any room between their giant bodies. Even in this large bed. Felt like if Bucky rolled over he’d end up squishing you. He’d gotten so damn close. Bad enough that the t-shirt they’d given you was sitting above your ass now.

“It’s ok I’ll be out before you guys even know it,” you said.

Steve scoffed. “Don’t be silly. You know you can stay here as long as you want. A city like this is no place for a little girl like you all alone.”

You scrunched up your nose at that. “I’m not a kid, Steve. I can take care of myself,” you assured.

“Yeah, but you shouldn’t have to. Not as long as Bucky and I are around to do it.”

Speak of the devil, that was when he wrapped his arms around your waist. Pulling you against him. Ass going to his crotch. You let out a gasp and tried to wiggle away, but with Steve so close you were stuck. Not like you could get away from him anyway with the hold he had on you.

Not like you didn’t know that he was a cuddler. Not the first time the two of you had fallen asleep together. Never with your naked ass out though.

“It’s ok, Steve. Really,” you tried to assure him. As you were doing that, Bucky decided it would be a good time to sneak his hand between your legs. Taking advantage of you being bare. You let out a gasp, jumping as soon as his hand made contact.

“You ok?” Steve asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Uh huh,” you squeaked out, trying to grab at his hands, but all he did was use one of his to hold yours down as he continued touching you.

“Hold still, little girl,” Bucky whispered in your ear, saying the last words in a mocking tone.

Your face felt hot as you looked forward at the blond. He had to know right. There was no way Bucky was just doing this right in front of him and he had no idea.

He pawed your thighs. Making sure they were nice and spread as his hand hands continued their torture. One going underneath the shirt to cup your breasts. Tweaking your nipples. He was groping you like he didn’t give a fuck about getting caught. Only made worse when his fingers finally touched your clit.

You bit your lip to keep yourself from crying out. Especially as he pushed you back so you were really pressed against him. Hard dick to your ass.

“I’m ok,” you tried to assure Steve. The words on the tip of your tongue. Pressure building in your stomach already as you’d never had the chance to finish earlier.

“When are you going to get your stuff?” Steve asked. “You know we’re going to come with you, right.”

Instead of fighting him you just replied, “T-thanks, Steve.”

“Always,” he said. “You know Bucky and I are always here for you.”

Well, obviously.

“I know we don’t say it a lot, but you mean a lot to us,” he said and all you could do was swallow as you felt his boyfriend’s fingers bringing you closer and closer to what you never got to have earlier. “And Bryce was such an asshole. He never deserved you.”

You swallowed down the moan that was threatening to bubble out of your mouth. Only made worse as you looked into Steve’s bright blue eyes as he sleepily looked over at you. Not like you hadn’t heard that a million times from both of them, but right now he just looked so freaky and-

“Ugh,” came out of your mouth which you quickly covered up with a cough.

“Are you sure you’re ok?” Steve asked once again.

“Never better,” you lied through your teeth.

Steve yawned. “We should get some sleep. Goodnight, Doll.”With that he leaned forward pressing a chaste kiss on your lips. Catching you all the way off guard.

“Steve-,” you gasped, putting your hand up to your lips.

“What?” He asked with a chuckle.

“You can’t just-,”

“It’s not big deal,” he assured. “Bucky won’t care. It was just a little goodnight kiss.”

“Yeah, but-,”

He cut you off once more. “Unless you want it be to more,” he said with a wink.

What. The. Fuck.

“Goodnight, Doll,” he said not giving you a chance to say more as he closed his eyes. Smile on his face.

Bucky stopped what he was doing to put his face into your shoulder. Light snores coming from him. Hell his hand was still in your panties. Almost like he was making sure you couldn’t get away from him. The worst part about it was that not once did he let you fall off the edge.

You’d definitely need to start looking for places tomorrow.

[cryptidghostgirl]

Heya! I just found you and I knew that I immediately had to put in a request!! May I ask for Alastor x chubby reader?? With hurt and comfort?? Where a random demon makes her feel bad for being chubby and Alastor comforts her AND CONFESSES that he's in love with her 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️ and then in true Alastor fashion he rips the demon apart for making reader feel bad PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

A/N of course!! this is good vibes. yes. 11/10 for the adorable scale. I've been writing so much angst,, the fluff request is so welcome. ALSO THIS GIF I FOUND FOR THE IMAGE OF THIS STORY IS SO CUTE WTF.

Sweet (Alastor x Chubby!Reader)

Pairing: Alastor x Reader

Warnings: Hurt//comfort, tw for body image stuff/issues, gore but make it cute, uh... fluff. Sickeningly sweet fluff. Extra TW body image stuff. May or may not have channeled some of my ten years experience with eds into this one besties, sorry about that.

Word Count: 3,330

Master Lists:

Master Lists 

Hazbin Hotel Master List

The truth of it was: Y/n knew exactly how pretty she was. That didn't keep it from hurting when people made unprovoked, snide remarks about her weight. More than one thing can be true at the same time.

She was kind of used to it by now. People in the human world had been rude on occasion, she'd had doctors occasionally act discriminatorily towards her because of her weight, a shitty date or partner or two who told her to lose it, but it had been nothing in comparison to Hell. It was Hell after all, home to the worst of the worst. Y/n tried to toughen up, thicken her skin. After a life on earth and another fifteen years down below she couldn't help but feel like it shouldn't hurt anymore. It still always did.

This one had been particularly bad. Y/n had stepped out of the hotel, intent on meeting a friend for lunch. She'd gotten all dressed up for it too, in her favorite outfit with her makeup done all pretty. She hadn't just felt good stepping out, she'd known she was hot. There had been a spring in her step and a coy smile on her face as she lowered her heart shaped sunglasses from the top of her head.

Five minutes, four blocks. That's all it took.

"Jesus, who let you outside in that?" the man had laughed, "Cover that shit up, I'm gonna vomit."

Y/n had sent her friend a text, saying she wasn't feeling well. She had apologized and asked to reschedule. Y/n had gone home.

Angel Dust had tried to approach her as she had stormed into the lobby but, she had brushed him off, rushing to her room. Y/n hand't meant to be rude. She had every intention of finding him later to apologize, the tears had just been pressing hotly behind her eyes and she needed to be alone. She loved Angel, trusted him, through of him as a brother but god, she did not want to cry in front of him. Not right now anyways, not over something so... so... stupid.

Y/n slammed the door to her room harshly behind her as she entered it, throwing herself onto the bed and burying her face in the pillow. In the comfort of pinks and piles of stuffed animals, she sobbed.

It wasn't even the comment that was getting to her anymore, although it had been a particularly awful one. No, what was upsetting her now was how she'd let it get to her. She felt stupid and weak and more than anything in the world she just wanted to rip the clothes off her body along with her skin and disappear from the physical world.

Her shoulders shook harshly, the pillow now damp. She was sure her makeup was a mess but didn't care. It wasn't like anyone was going to see her anyways, not until tomorrow at least. Y/n was trying to get redeemed but she wasn't trying to get made fun of. If she could keep this to herself, she was going to.

It wasn't that she didn't trust the others in the hotel. Y/n actually trusted them more than about anyone she'd met in Hell up to this point. They were kind and caring, invested in themselves and one another even if they pretended they weren't. There was just the fear. There was always the fear, the internal need for perfection, to show no weakness.

Almost as if the universe was fucking with her, as if it could tell exactly what she didn't want, there was a knock at the door. Y/n groaned audibly into the pillow. Of course, just when she wanted to be left alone. The knock came again and she slowly sat up, still sniffling and hurriedly wiping her eyes.

"Uh, yeah." she called, trying her best to keep her voice from trembling and praying she didn't look too much of a mess even if it was probably just Charlie or Angel, "It's open. Sorry."

Y/n's eyes widened slightly in shock as Alastor opened the door. Out of everyone in the hotel, he was probably the person she knew the least. She made the effort of course. Despite knowing his status and his history, she tried to play nice and make friends. It was he who avoided her, not the other way around.

To be perfectly honest, Alastor made Y/n a bit nervous. It wasn't because of his reputation. They were in Hell for heaven's sake, everyone had one of those. No, it was the way her heart beat a little faster when he was in the room. It was the way that every time she looked at him, she secretly hoped she'd catch him looking at her too.

Alastor had never been in Y/n's room before. It was all satin and pink and lace. He couldn't help but think it suited her to a t. It was all perfect, she was perfect. Except here she was crying, just as Angel had said she might be.

What had happened was this: Alastor had over heard Angel saying something to Husk. They were at the bar, Angel was drinking as always, and saying he was worried about Y/n. Alastor had pressed and when Alastor pressed, he always got his way. Apparently Y/n had come back to the hotel mere minutes after having left to go get lunch with a friend. Angel said she had seemed really agitated, genuinely upset.

That had made Alastor angry. Not normal angry more delicate than that, more minute. It made him upset, he hurt for Y/n in her theoretical pain. He wasn't used to this whole feeling things thing. His body on autopilot, Alastor himself had been surprised when he found himself before her door, poised to knock.

Y/n watched him, her eyes glassy and her cheeks flushed. There were dark circles of mascara beneath her eyes that matched the stains on her pillow behind her and her pretty dress had a few wrinkles in it.

"Whatever is the matter, my dear?" Alastor asked, stepping fully in to the room.

"Oh, nothing." Y/n tried to brush him off, looking away towards the window as she pulled a stuffed animal into her lap.

It was her trembling lip that gave her away. Alastor let the door fall shut behind him. Y/n turned as she felt the bed dip beside her, her mouth slightly open.

"I would advise you not to lie to me."

He hadn't meant for it to sound like that. He saw the way Y/n stiffened instinctually at his words, at his tone. Alastor didn't know how to exist in a non threatening way, its how he'd lived his whole life in this world and the one before it. It was how he protected himself. He took a breath.

"What I mean," he slowly corrected himself, "is that you don't need to lie. I..."

He cleared his throat, uncomfortable with the way he was forcing himself to be honest. Honesty was, however, the only option. He saw the way Y/n's gaze was distant, her body tense. For the first time in his life, he wanted to help someone else. It was strange. Alastor submitted himself to the oddity of it all, the discomfort. It was his gift to her.

"I'm here to help."

"I..." Y/n trailed off, big wet tears pooling in her eyes, "It's nothing. I'm okay, really. It's stupid."

With a gentleness that surprised both of them, Alastor lifted a hand to her face, wiping a stray tear. He held it on the tip of his finger before his eyes, examining the way a jeweler would a diamond.

"If it's upsetting you this deeply, it's not stupid."

That was the last straw. Y/n, unable to hold herself back any longer, collapsed into his chest. Her body shook with sobs. Alastor held his arms out, unsure of what to do with them. It took him a second to comply with her unspoken request, wrapping them around her. He found himself rubbing small circles on her back, trying to soothe her.

There was a reason Alastor avoided Y/n and it was that the demoness made him feel things. Things he was unaccustomed to feeling, things that felt dangerous in their warmth and care. Bubbly little things that got caught in his chest and tied up his tongue. If he had thought about his actions, he wouldn't have come to her side but he hadn't and so, here he was. This was all unknown territory, he felt blind and alone in the dark. Alastor didn't like that.

They stayed like that for several minutes until Y/n was finally able to regain some control of her breathing. She calmed herself methodically, as if it was a ritual she was well practiced in. Alastor found himself wondering how many times she had felt like this, reacted to something in her life like this, and had no one there to hold her. He didn't like that thought. He couldn't decide what was worse, if no one ever had been there or if there was someone else who she wanted in times like this, someone other than him. Someone better, more well versed in the delicate intricacies of emotion.

She lifted herself from his chest, his arms falling from her back to his sides as she wiped the last few stray tears.

"I'm sorry." she half laughed, "I don't know what came over me... and I've ruined your suit."

Alastor looked down. There were indeed black stains from her running makeup on his jacket. Normally such a thing would irritate him to no end, anger him even. It was Y/n who had made them however and so, he didn't care. He turned back to her, shaking his head slightly.

"Nothing a wash can't fix. Now, why don't you tell me what happened?"

"It's stupid." Y/n shook her head, her eyes finding her hands in her lap.

She still held the stuffed animal there, a rabbit. She fiddled with it's ears absent mindedely, twisting them and rubbing them in a practiced manner.

"Y/n." Alastor gently warned and she sighed.

"It's just... something someone said to me. That's all."

Alastor's brow furrowed slightly at the notion.

"What did they say? Who was it?"

The words had fallen from him quicker than he had meant them to, more earnestly. He was grateful Y/n seemed to stuck in her own world to notice such a thing.

"Just some asshole making a comment about my weight. Saying that I shouldn't wear what I wear, saying the sight of me made them nauseous. The normal dickwad stuff. I should be used to it by now, I've been chubby all my life but... I don't know. It still just makes me want to disappear. To rip myself apart by the fistful, you know?"

Y/n looked up at Alastor when he didn't respond, her cheeks red with embaressment.

"I told you, it's du-"

"Who the fuck said it?" he asked through gritted teeth, trying his best to remain calm.

"Alastor, it's fine." Y/n sighed, "I don't know why you're getting so worked up about it. Like I said, I've heard it all before."

She made to turn back to the plushie in her lap but before she could, Alastor cupped her face gently in his hands.

"Al... what are you..."

"Y/n, you are stunning."

There he went again, not thinking. Y/n was dangerous, to be avoided. She paraded around in her sweet sundresses and angelic disposition, practically unfit to have been sent to Hell in the first place. She was the simple syrup in lemonade, she was the best mixed drink.

Her tongue ran gently over her lips, an innocent and thoughtless gesture on her part that sent his mind reeling as she mulled over his words. Her brow furrowed.

"Alastor, I-"

"You are the most beautiful person I have ever laid eyes on, living or dead."

There he went again, his tongue a million miles ahead of his brain. Y/n let out a light laugh, her head still in his hands.

"What?" Alastor asked, feeling the heat rush to his cheeks, "I mean it."

"I thought you hated me." Y/n confessed.

"Far from it, my sweet."

His voice was barley more than a whisper. Y/n looked away.

"You drive me to distraction."

Her presence was like some strange truth serum rushing through his veins, now he had started, he couldn't seem to stop.

"I've never... You're unlike anyone I've ever met. You shine in this dark place."

"Alastor, this is a lot." Y/n admitted after a moment.

"My apologies." he let go of her face, his heart sinking, "I did not intend to make you feel worse."

He should have known. Alastor, in his foolish frenzy, had forgotten himself, his legacy, his persona. How could someone as sweet as a sun ripened strawberry stolen straight from the bush feel anything towards him save fear?

"I'll go."

Alastor made to get up, had every intent to actually leave and give Y/n her space. At the felling of her small hand on his arm, he paused and turned back to her.

Y/n's face was bright red, she refused to meet his gaze. Her arm not holding him was wrapped tightly around her stuffed animal like a charm.

"No, please." she took a deep breath, meeting his eyes once again at last, "I... I think... you're rather... handsome... as well."

Her speech was halting, uncertain in its anxiety. His smile widened.

"You do now, do you?" he asked, lifting her head a little higher with a finger beneath her chin.

"Oh hush." she scolded him, "If anyone was going to lie out of the pair of us, I'm pretty sure it'd be you. I am trying to be redeemed, in case you've forgotten, and you probably just want my soul or some shit."

"How can I prove to you that the only way I want your soul is given willingly and out of contract?"

Y/n laughed again, a genuine joy.

"Pinky promise me."

She held up a hand and Alastor quickly locked pinkies with her.

"I meant every word I said. I've had... eyes for you for a while now. You are the rosy fingered dawn. You are... you're you. You are Y/n."

"I am Y/n, aren't I." she smiled cockily back.

It was a relief to see her return to her normal confident self.

"I meant everything I said too. I've... I've had eyes for you too, or whatever."

She looked away, her cheeks even brighter pink than before. Alastor let go of her pinky and, leaning forward, pressed a soft and tentative kiss to the top of their head. Y/n immediately snapped her head back to him. Before he could register what was happening, she had tackled him in a hug, throwing them both to the bed.

Looking down at him from her perch on his lap, she smiled brightly.

"Can I kiss you?"

The question took him by surprise. He had never kissed anyone before save the tender kiss on the cheek reserved for dear friends and close family. He hesitated in indecision, in uncertainty.

"You're allowed to say no." Y/n followed up, noticing his apparent discomfort, "I don't want to move things too fast for you."

Alastor shook his head, the truth of his own desire unexpected even to him.

"No. You can."

Y/n's smile widened as they dipped down, pecking him on the lips. His cheeks warmed as she straightened herself up again, her hands pressed flat against his chest.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that for."

She smelled sweet, she looked sweet, god, she probably even tasted sweet. His tongue darted out of his mouth across his lips jus ever so slightly, the flavor of her strawberry lipgloss fueling his infatuation.

"Do that again."

It didn't take long for Alastor to track down the demon in question that had sent Y/n spiraling that afternoon. After their promise had been made and she had agreed to the date he had proposed for the next day, she had spilled everything. Her head in his lap as he had run his fingers through her hair, she had complained liberally about the demon. Her complaints had, thankfully, included a full description of the man.

Once the hour was late and he was sure she was fast asleep along with everyone else in the hotel, Alastor had slipped out onto the streets. The demon was, of course, easy to locate. He was loud and distinctive. Alastor found him drunk in a bar harassing a woman. He watched, waiting patiently until the man left and when he did, Alastor followed him.

He cornered the demon, sending his shadows to torment the man. He was on his knees close to tears by the time Alastor finally decided to join in on the fun. He leered down at the demon, grinning from ear to ear.

"I heard you said something rather cruel today." he hummed.

"I didn't!" the man pleaded, "I swear!"

"Not even to a pretty little demon in heart shaped sunglasses?"

The man's eyes widened slightly in obvious recollection.

"I... fuck, I didn't know. I swear, I didn't know who she was. I didn't know she was with you!"

Alastor stretched in the darkness of the ally, his horns growing thorny and tall as he entered his true demon form. The man trembled in fear. It was pathetic, truly.

"It doesn't matter. You ruined her plans for the day and so, in return, I am going to ruin you."

With those final words, he pounced. The tongue of the man was the first thing to go, ripped with great force from his throat and tossed to the side.

Next were his ears, Alastor tore them from his head slowly. The man screamed, a choked and guttural sound through the blood in his throat. Alastor laughed shamelessly, his claws finding a home in the demon's stomach next.

He disemboweled the man with ease, careful to keep everything connected so he was still alive. Then, he went for the eyes, gouging them out in harsh slashing movements. Alastor straightened himself, looking down upon his mess of a creation.

"I would say that next time you will think before saying something like that again but, I think we both know there wont be a next time."

A strange sound left the demons throat, obviously a plea of mercy. Without a tongue, he could not articulate his wishes.

"What?" Alastor asked, putting a hand to his ear as he slowly returned to his normal appearance, "I am sorry but could you say that again? I couldn't quite make it out."

Another strangled, desperate sound left the man's throat. Alastor laughed.

"Well, I've given you a chance to beg for your life and you have chosen not to take it." he taunted, leaning back over the man, "I supposed that means you have opted for death. Very well."

In a single, swift movement he tore the man's throat from his neck. The demon twitched under him for a few seconds longer before at last stilling in death. Alastor examined his work for a moment before pulling himself to his feet. Without a glance back towards the body, he straightened his jacket and let his shadows take him from the ally.

Y/n was under his protection now. He had tried so long to avoid the call, the weakness, her charms pulling him in. At long last, he had succumbed and under his watch, no one was going to ever make her feel anything less than perfect ever again.

----

A/N This is the first time I have ever written something like this, I hope it was okay.

[daengtokki]

I'm not the last anon! But if you have some time, i'd like to request a ksm tooth aching fluff with the pregnant reader (in the deity universe) like how he deals with the momma at the hardest time of the pregnancy, but like a lil more detailed than the ones in the deity chapters, if u don't mind?

serial killer!Kim Seungmin x afab reader

wc: 1.3k

rating: fluff (contains: pregnancy, vomiting, mentions of murder/blood, psychosis)

comments: thank you anon! sorry this took so long to answer, but I’ve been a bit stuck lately. this little oneshot includes some fun things not yet mentioned in the story! I wrote two of these, so I may post the other as well!

[ ML— DEITY MASTERLIST AND TAGLIST]

TAGS: @kkamismom12/ @r0tt1n/ @heluvschibi / @feckinbecky / @missystay / @seungluvr / @babrieeee / @curiouscocoabean / @feelikecinderella / @carpioassists / @soulsbbg / @san-axa0 / @vixensss / @keiizzx / @xyliskz / @reignessance / @velvetmoonlght / @ghostedgameplays / @pochaccochacco / @lashaemorow / @eastjonowhere / @fackeraccount / @felixs-voice-makes-me-wanna / @maddycline

Seungmin turns over and feels for you next to him. His eyes open slowly, and he sees the faintest sign of morning coming in through the space in the curtains. The sun reflects off the new glass vase, and specks of it shimmer against the wall. The light makes it look warm, but it’s still cold for April, and before he starts wondering where you’ve gone, he pulls the blanket up around his neck as a shiver runs down his arms. Sleep almost finds him again, but he hears something. Seungmin checks the time on his phone—6:20. You can’t possibly be up for the day, he thinks, even if you did fall asleep at nine last night.

He reluctantly throws off the blanket and sits up, but he gives himself a moment before moving again. The quality of his sleep is coming through in his swimming head, and his puffy eyes. It’s not your fault that you tend to wake every few hours, though. Your level of discomfort and his are on two completely different levels, and Seungmin wishes he could take some of yours for himself. He closes the gap in the curtain on his way out, because he fully intends to go right back to bed, and he knows you’ll be doing the same. First, he has to find you.

“Are you out here, love?”

The kitchen and living room are both empty and dark, but the bathroom light spills through the crack in the door. He hears the noise again—a stifled cough, this time followed by a louder one, and then what Seungmin thinks is a cry. He quickly fills a glass with water and heads toward the bathroom, knocking softly so he doesn’t startle you.

“Hey, you okay?” The look on your tear-streaked face says no, but you sniffle and nod anyway. “Sip some water.” He kneels down next to you and rubs your back.

“Did I wake you? I’m sorry, I know I’ve been keeping you up…”

“You’re allowed to keep me up. And wake me up if you need me. Does your stomach still hurt?”

You nod as you carefully sip the water, but you have a feeling it’s going to want to come right back up. The morning sickness (and afternoon and evening sickness) should be almost gone by now, but it’s hanging on. “Can I have your sweatshirt?”

He pulls it over his head and helps you into it, and you seem to relax as soon as you fold your covered arms around yourself. It’s still perfectly warm from his sleep, and it sinks right into you.

“Do you wanna try lying down…uhm, and I can get something for by the bed if you feel sick again?” Before you even answer, he tucks an arm around your legs and pulls you close. “I’ll find you some ginger candies, that should help a little. Maybe something fizzy.''

“Yeah…okay. I can stand.”

Seungmin holds tight to you anyway, and as soon as you’re on your feet, you have to close your eyes and find your balance. The room starts to spin, and clutching onto his arm just makes him worry even more. “Put your arms around my neck.” You do as he says this time, and he lifts you easily. “See? Much better.”

“It is”

“Once you’re back under the covers, you’ll feel better”

“And what if I puke all over you?”

He laughs, because he’s not prepared for that question or mental image. “I’ve had worse things splattered all over me.”

How could you forget how gruesome he can get? Probably because he looks at you the way he’s looking at you right now. You’ve witnessed his kills, both clean and messy, but all you really know about the in between is what he’s told you. And you were curious enough to ask not long after the last Uljin trip…

***

“Is it strange for me to ask what your messiest kill was?”

“Strange? Yes, but that is kind of our normal, right?”

Yes, strange is your baseline and part of the foundation of your relationship. If your life had been different, and if you weren’t already enamored with him and the attention he gave, you might have run from him without a second thought. Now you can’t imagine being without him. “It is.”

“Probably my first time. Surprising. First after my stepfather, at least. I was seventeen, and had no idea what I was getting myself into.”

You brace yourself for what has to be a very awkward, clumsy teenage Seungmin. But he smiles as he reflects on it.

“It was some college kid I picked up at a sports bar. I hadn’t figured out what quieted the noise in my head until after him, and it was amazing to discover that. But it took me hours to clean up my aunts basement. Luckily they both liked their sleeping pills and didn’t hear a thing. My knife skills have greatly improved since then.”

“So how did you learn how to dispose of them?”

“That came later. I got lucky with this one. There was an actual serial killer going after college-aged guys around the same time, and it got pinned on him when he was caught.”

“An actual serial killer?”

Seungmin laughs, “I was so stupid. I should have been caught a long time ago.”

“No. I needed to find you."

***

Seungmin sets you gently on the bed, and you watch as he searches the room…then he leaves and comes back, trash can in one hand, and a fistful of your ginger candies in the other.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course, you can ask me anything.” He unwraps one of them and sets it against your lips until you open for him.

“I don’t know why I’m thinking about it right now, but when you say that killing quiets your mind…what do you mean? What exactly do you silence?”

It’s far from what he expected, so he has to think about it. He busies himself fluffing his pillow and getting comfortable under the blanket again. His legs find yours as he moves closer.

“Maybe we can talk about it tomorrow.”

“It’s a voice, sort of. Two voices sometimes, at the same time. But it’s hard to make out what they say. Sometimes it’s a hum, or a vibration that won’t stop…like ringing in your ears, but worse. And sometimes it’s a scratching sound, or an itch.” He grabs your hand and sets your palm flat against his ear. “The longer I wait, the louder it gets.”

“Do you hear it right now?”

“No. All quiet. Just us.”

“Will you tell me when it happens again?”

“When it starts?” He asks, closing the rest of the space between you.

“Yes, the minute it starts. So we can stop it.” Your body feels like it’s on autopilot as it sits up and turns away from him, but all you do over the edge of the bed is dry heave. His hands grab and steady you, and when you relax, they pull until you’re tucked against his chest.

“Don’t worry about me.” He whispers against your ear, kisses your neck. Your skin feels cold against his lips.

“Of course I will. You’re mine to worry about. I get to take care of you, too.”

Seungmin is quiet as he thinks. He is yours, and he’s a handful. “I’ll tell you.” He’s a lot to worry about.

“Good. And since you’re already back there…”

“Yeah?”

“Can you rub my back?”

[pleasestayawayidonotlikeyou]

can we get platonic ink headcannons?

Straight forward, love it.

Masterlist

Sometimes you question yourself, how did you two even become friends? Well he kinda just spawned in your life and now you're besties! Yay..?

He forgets a lot of things, so don't be surprised if he forgets that he has something planned with you.

But he makes it up to you! Kinda.. if you can call sitting down and doodling making up of course.

Ink's the type to show up to your house without warning and be like " Heeeeey, so I may or may not have annoyed Error to a point where he wants to rip my head off, so hope you don't mind me staying over for some days"

Also the type to steal pens, pencils and basically anything that can be used to draw, so if I was you I would put those things out of his reach, not like it needs to be very high, he's literally a god damn mouse.

Has broken your microwaves, he's still owning you more than 7 by now, refuses to pay.

He considers you as the sibling he never met had. So expect him to be next to you when you need, even if he's just with an arm around your shoulder as you cry since, well, he can't really feel real emotions.

Asks you to wash his scarf when it has no more space to write reminders, which made you raise some suspicion and question to him.

"Ink? What's the X event?'

*Vomiting ink sounds*

"Tha what?"

*Super hyper mega silly smile*

"MY FLOOR YOU FUCKING IDIOT-"

Yeah... You were too frustrated about your - now stained floor to care of that X event, it's probably nothing anyways.

This is more a random headcannon of mine but Ink is Romanian, and he leaves doodles with Romanian words on it.

He never tells you what it means, oh well..

[weebsinstash]

HMMMM. You know what I've never written for, stories OR drafts or prompts or posts. Hanahaki disease!!!

Your yandere is absolutely freaking the fuck out because you're choking up flowers, vomiting on thorns, choking, gagging, blood and petals dribbling down your chin, you're getting sicker, weaker, DYING, but you won't share ANYTHING WITH THEM. They have NO IDEA who it is you love and it's driving them INSANE because one you're DYING and two.... oh. So you. Love someone else. Ok... well. All you need to do to be cured is confess to that person, right? Your 'true dedicated love' can always swoop in afterwards, or so they try to tell themselves...

They're just watching you wither away, you looking absolutely heartbroken, and worst of all, you're starting to AVOID THEM. They're having to stalk you, more than usual anyways, just to check in on you, make sure you're still doing ok, still ALIVE--

Eventually you're laying there in the hospital, at death's door, and your yandere, someone you've known and trusted for some time now, is just, ready to start bawling their eyes out at your bedside as you can barely breathe, begging begging BEGGING you to tell them who you love so they can bring them to you, so you can live, like this is SO AVOIDABLE WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF and your "beloved" is so tormented by the fact they're watching you wither away and they can't do ANYTHING and--

you just. Weakly reach over and grab their hand. and you stare right at them with your big sparkling crying eyes and quivering lips even as more petals and pollen slip out with your breaths,

"but then you'll leave"

and that's when your yandere figures out, oh, it's THEM that you love, and you were willing to die with your secret just to avoid hearing 'no', being alone, not having THEM, losing THEM--

You're laying there feeling the pain and the aching slowly fade from deep inside your withered body, barely energized enough to feel shame, so weak, so vulnerable, and, of course you'll need someone to look after you while you recover, and here's your loyal friend, clutching your hand so desperately, and unlike all of your deepest fears, they're not going anywhere or rejecting you in the slightest. I mean... you might as well have just PROPOSED to them, declaring your love and all, so, surely you won't mind if your crush, who was secretly significantly more mentally unhinged than you were could have imagined, moves you into the perfect scale replica of your bedroom that they have in their house, right? Since you two love each other, you're gonna get married as soon as possible and live together, right? What's that? You're a little turned off by finding out they have stalker shrines of you? Haha, you must still be light-headed from all that coughing! You can't LEAVE YOUR SOULMATE, that's so silly! let them tuck you into bed and get you some pills and they can cuddle you to sleep during your first official night together--

[baronessvonglitter]

Cherry, Cherry 🍒 Chapter 18 🍒

"I Wanted It To Be You"

Joel Miller x f!Reader

Word count: 7,467

Summary: Moving on from Joel, your life takes many unexpected courses: college, marriage.. yet you keep wondering What If..?

(Warnings contain spoilers, so please check beneath the cut if you're curious)

WARNINGS: 18+ Only! Mature and Explicit, age gap (the difference is 17 years, and there are a few time skips throughout this chapter), starts in late 2003 and ends in 2023, Angst Angst Angst, brief mention of jailtime, breakup, parental issues, heavy on the mom guilt, underage drinking, dry humping, anonymous drunk sex (never ever do this, folks), vomit, reader going through a slutty era after getting her heart broken (just like Joel in Chapter 14), allusions to smut, time skips (labeled), panic attack, mention of drugs and alcohol, rough sex, creampie, surprise pregnancy, infidelity, lil bit of a makeout sesh with Tommy, semi-public sex, pussy pronouns, light degradation, Ellie is Joel's daughter, mention of cyberstalking (not as serious as it sounds), mention of reader having a therapist, Joel and Tess are married. If I left anything out, please LMK!

Author's Note: this took forever to write because the more I edited the more I wanted to add. And I know this chapter has quite a few time skips, I just wanted to highlight the important parts as much as I could. ALSO: I apologize for the unrealistically speedy law process at the beginning. I have no idea how that situation would pan out, but it would almost definitely drag out for months if not years.

So much angst here, but now the reader is all grown up! I wanted to add the convo with Sarah but this chapter was already getting so long, and I think it'll fit better in the next installment anyway.

Series Masterlist

"I would've said yes."

You've lost count of how many voicemails you leave Joel, who's been ignoring your calls, but this is the only time you say it, that you admit your love could have gone a different way if you'd just gotten back to that hotel room together.

You replay that night over and over in your head, but with different endings. In a perfect world, your father would never have even been there in the first place. In a separate, less perfect world, you would not have called out to him, just ignored him the way he ignored you. Then you'd have some peace of mind, and you'd belong with the man you love.

Each time you call Joel, you expect to hear his gruff voice on the other end of the line. And soon enough the ringing stops and goes straight to voicemail, where you leave him the words of your bleeding, broken heart:

"I would've said yes."

You haven't taken the ring out of its box, worried you'll jinx whatever luck you have left. Joel is supposed to kneel, take your hand in his, and place the ring on your finger. You've never envisioned what getting engaged would look like, but it definitely bears some semblance to tradition.

When Chris refused to press charges, the law stepped in and did it for him. Thirty days in the Bexar County Jail is what they sentenced Joel. That was why you couldn't reach him, why you felt like you were hitting a brick wall. It's a relief when you're finally able to speak to him.

"I'm so sorry," you cry to him over the phone, his voice like a warm and soothing balm. You imagine yourself curling into his embrace, allowing his arms to enfold you, make you small and safe, hidden from the dangers and ugliness of the world.

"You ain't got nothin' to be sorry for," he grunts.

"I love you." You sound pitiful over the phone but you don't care. "Joel, let me come see you and we can work it out. Please."

He sighs. "I got somethin' I need to tell you. Might change your mind how ya feel about me."

"What?" you ask quickly, your young mind scrambling to imagine what he could say, as if to fortify your already shattered heart. Your stomach sinks, nausea threatening to make the bile rise in your throat. "Joel, what is it?"

He's quiet for awhile and when he speaks it's monotone. "I've been seein' someone else."

It sounds like he's speaking a foreign language. You shake your head, looking at your wall calendar. It's only December. You last saw him in late September. The biblical manger scene on the church calendar your mom put on the fridge is an evil harbinger of time now lost.

"Who?" you ask, dreading the answer.

"Doesn't matter," he says gruffly, sounding uncomfortable.

"Tell me who," you insist.

With a deep sigh he relents. "Hailey."

Again, it's like hearing a foreign language. "Hailey? The girl I worked with? The one who went to Sarah's party? That Hailey?"

"Yeah."

"How.. how did this happen?"

"Ran into her at a bar my first night out of jail. I was lonely and she was.. she was there for me."

"What do you mean? Did you-" you take a moment to breathe, try not to let your emotions take over.

"I slept with her. That's all it is between us, just fuckin'."

It's like a punch in the gut. No, worse. It's a blade plunging into your heart over and over.

In a blur of upset and disappointment, you utter the words of anyone who's ever had a broken heart: "How could you do this to me?"

There's no answer for it from his side. His refusal to go into detail feels like he's hiding his fling with Hailey on purpose, withholding part of his new life to you, but you never stop to think he might be saving you from the pain he knows is due.

You cry after hanging up on him. You cry more than you did when he left you in San Antonio. You cry until you can no longer see because your eyes are puffy, nearly tiny slits that still somehow shed tears when you think of Joel with your ex-friend.

Once the sadness has been cried out, there remains only rage, simmering and profound. With small, practiced movements, you take the engagement ring in its box and mail it to Joel's address. No note, and no explanation needed.

"You're not yourself," your mom mentions one night when you push your plate away, your dinner barely touched.

"Not hungry," you mumble.

She sighs in exasperation. "I don't know what to do with you. You won't talk to me." She pushes her own plate away and downs the rest of her cheap wine. "You come home from God-knows-where, with a damn bruise on your face."

You touch your cheek where your father had accidentally knocked you backwards, wishing it was the only physical pain you endured from that night.

"..you don't bother with the chores anymore, you lock yourself away in your room, probably not even studying. Do you even attend classes anymore? Do you even care about your future?" she continues.

"No," you say quite simply.

"No??"

You shake your head and shrug, as if answering something as easy as 'do you want to watch a movie later?'

"I don't. Give. A shit."

Anita scoffs, refilling her glass. "Great. That's just great. Maybe I'll drink this entire bottle and give myself alcohol poisoning. Then I wouldn't have to deal with your shitty attitude anymore."

The scrape of your chair as you push away from the table is as loud as nails on a chalkboard. "You want me to talk? I'll talk." You lean forward, relishing this moment where your mom looks scared as shit.

"I said I was in College Station, but I lied. I was fucking Joel every weekend I was away. We met up in hotel rooms and fucked each other's brains out. And the best part of it all was that he loved me," your voice breaks but you're wickedly delighted by the look of shock and disgust on your mother's face.

You're on a tirade now that can't be stopped. "Two months ago I found Dad in San Antonio. I did," you nod, a psychotic kind of laughter breaking from you when she gawks. "And do you know what? He's forgotten all about us. He has a new family, new kids, new young wife. And he doesn't give a shit about you or me. He never really has, has he?" You realize you're standing, towering over her as you spit out all the venom she's ever poured into you right back at her.

"Now.. how does it feel to have the truth shoved in your face? To be deprived of the fantasy world you wanted so badly to live in, cushioned by your idiotic pretenses? Because I'll bet you could've gone your whole life not knowing, staying innocent. Well, Mother Dearest, fuck you."

Without a word you pack your things, your body moving way ahead of your brain, stuffing every necessary item into a couple of bags before you leave her house, with the intention to never return again.

Summer 2004 Louisiana

Staying with friends in a shitty apartment, you finish the rest of the semester before transferring to another school. Three schools in one year probably isn't a very good look on your transcript, but it's the first choice you make that is truly your own. Working two jobs over the summer you finally have the money you need to survive as you begin a new chapter in Louisiana.

You do everything in your power to get over Joel. The first step was deleting his number from your phone, even though you've already memorized it by heart. To be safe, you also delete Tommy's number, and Sarah's. It feels final, and a small part of you wishes they could get a notification informing them you no longer consider them important enough to keep, even as data.

It still stings when you think of Joel with Hailey. She's older, more experienced, and can probably do whatever he wants without being asked. After you've deleted the Millers from your contact list, you hover over Hailey's name, pressing it and, in a moment of antagonism, send her a text. I thought you were my friend, Turns out you're just a fucking slut Then you delete and block her number.

Dating other guys doesn't come very easy. It's as if they can smell the heartbreak on you, sense your loneliness and unease, the untempered anger simmering below the surface of your smile. You're a walking red flag and you know it, but that doesn't stop you.

You grind on a guy at a club after he buys you a few appletinis. Never mind that he's twenty five and trying to get you drunk so you'll fuck him. With your twenty-dollar Charlotte Russe dress hiked up as you drag your sopping panties over his clothed hardness, he sucks the apple flavor off your tongue, one hand gripping your hips while the other slips inside your underwear to rub your clit and you come for the first time in months. So loud, in fact, that you're caught and promptly kicked out of the club. When your partner (you never remember his name) asks to continue at his place, you decline, already walking to the next bar.

Once the high wears off, you are consumed with guilt as you think of Joel. What would he say if he found out? Would he even care? Maybe he's fucking Hailey right now.

And it hits you that it's already been a year since you first slept with him.

You pause in the middle of the street, coming back to earth when a car honks at you, cursing at you to hurry up and fucking move dumb bitch!

Walking on, you can't get the memory of the feel of Joel out of your head: the way his tongue licked into your mouth, fingers traveling down to play between your folds, telling you he needed you nice and wet before he fucked you, those thick fingers slipping in and playing you like a well tuned instrument, his lips gliding over your throat, resting just above your pulse point, then finding their way down the slope of your breasts, taking each nipple between his lips, his beard rasping against your skin.

You try to force the thought away, but it returns manifold. His mouth, the stiffened warmth of his tongue lapping at your cunt, drinking up every fucking drop and telling you you taste so sweet. He doesn't stop until you come more than once, finally fitting himself inside you, teasing you with the first few inches. Sure you can handle the rest, babygirl? before sliding in in one smooth thrust, joining you body and soul, moving against you just how you need.

You cover your face with your hands and wander into an alley, overcome with despair at the loss of your love, the loss of what innocence you thought you had. Both of those things given to someone who only saw fit to fuck you as he wished and discard when he couldn't handle the reality of your personal life.

"Are you okay?" a voice asks, approaching softly from behind. You turn and see a man, another college student like yourself, dressed in jeans and a striped button down. His features blur together until all you hear is his soft Southern accent and all you smell is his Curve cologne. The next thing you know you're kissing him, begging him to touch you, fuck you, and then he's spinning you to face the wall, dress hiked up, panties pulled down. Your arms support you against the wall as he pushes into you from behind and all you think about is him fucking the pain away, pumping into you hard and fast. He's nowhere near as big as Joel, but you've been so touch starved that the sounds coming out of your mouth are shameless.

Without warning you vomit, splashing your shoes and the wall in front of you with appletini puke, and the guy pulls out immediately, getting away from you as fast as he can, tucking himself back into his jeans.

You rest your forehead against the cool brick wall, spitting out the sour taste in your mouth as tears weep freely from your eyes.

September 2004

At the start of sophomore year you're the only one who doesn't have family come down to help move in, to visit with and take silly, memorable photos with. Nobody comes to your dorm and helps you decorate and put your belongings away. By the time your assigned roommate comes with her parents and little brother you're already set up, fresh sheets on your twin bed, your side already claimed.

You're reading when she comes in, a young girl, freshman, with hope in her eyes, excited to meet you, looking forward to her new life away from Montana or Missouri or wherever she says she's from. You're barely listening.

Who you do notice is her dad: mid-forties, slight beer belly, wearing a polo shirt and cargo pants with brand new New Balance shoes. You make eye contact immediately before he shifts his gaze away. His daughter, your new roommate Jessica, starts to unpack, asking you questions about the classes, what student groups to join. You offer what advice you can, stretching out on your bed in your tank top and running shorts. Her dad's eyes roam over your curves when his wife and kids aren't looking, and you unabashedly flirt back, making sure your shorts ride up, pulling down your tank just a little to expose more cleavage.

Once they leave for a quick tour around the campus you're back to your reading.

Jessica's dad comes back. Alone.

"I think I forgot my wallet in here," he says, giving a forced look of timidity as he checks his pockets.

"You didn't," you smirk, putting your book down and sitting up. "But you can stay if you want.."

He doesn't make an excuse about his family and you wouldn't care if they walked in anyway. Once the door is locked his hands are on your body, grabbing your ass while your hand goes down his pants. You tell him exactly what will make you come, and he does it so willingly it almost touches your heart.

Later as he's leaving and you're trying to get his cum off your bedsheets, he's asking you not to say anything to his daughter, as if you'd proudly exclaim that you fucked him, having barely remembered his name.

You're learning that a lot of men are the same at their very core.

You're a fantasy for the older ones, a college coed with daddy issues and an IUD. Having already been with an older man, you know just what they like, and when you give it you live for the way their eyes light up, and a little of their youth comes back to them for a moment.

It's almost pitiful how easy you figure out the opposite sex. Once you know what they want it's easy to become that, to dress how they want, to feign interest in the things they like, even to keep your thoughts to yourself. You learn to live inside your head, which until now has been the hardest thing to do.

But it's necessary when you're holding onto the headboard of some frat guy's bed while fake moaning as he's holding your hips, going as fast as he can because that's what they do in porn. Each and every guy has a Scarface poster above the bed, or Playboy centerfolds taped to the walls, neon lava lamps on the nightstand along with CDs by Kanye West, Franz Ferdinand, or Velvet Revolver. Your thoughts are elsewhere as you give halfhearted head.

You learn to feel nothing, not even pleasure, because they certainly can't tell that you fake every sigh and gasp.

But the older men, the professors, TA's, even men you meet off campus at the bars in town.. they are what interest you. It's not common for you to find yourself bent over a desk during your professor's office hours, or with your panties around your ankles when a one-on-one study session turns to something else.

You fuck men who remind you of Joel because you can't fuck Joel. It's his hands on you instead of theirs, his breath hot on your ear.. but no one else can fill the part of you that Joel hollowed out for himself when he made you his on a hot Texas summer night.

Though you think about him every day, soon enough, you start to wonder whether he was ever even real, or just someone you made up.

March 2006

Spring Break finds you at a beach house on the coast. The friends you came with are nowhere to be found, and you're pretty sure your drink is laced with something. The music is so loud that you hurry out into the night, seeking solace before the roaring waters of the gulf, black water topped with silver waves. Their rushing sound is soothing, yet you sink to your knees because your world is too heavy.

"I'm dying," you whisper to yourself, crying. Your chest feels tight. It's so hard to breathe, and it feels like your heart will explode.

Only one person on the entire planet comes to mind, and after all this time you still remember his number. You dial it, fingers savoring the press of each button on your phone. How many times have you called Joel and hung up before he could answer? There have been a couple of times when you dialed him while having sex, not sure if he ever picked up, hoping that he heard you moving on and moving away from him. That'll show him.

But you can't even breathe to talk to him. And what if he doesn't answer? What if he's changed his number?

You leave all his numbers entered on the screen but you don't hit the call button. Not yet. You have to think of something to say. Tell him you love him before your body rejects the air it's trying so desperately to claim into your lungs.

"Hey, are you all right?" a gentle voice asks behind you, and a hand is on your shoulder.

You flashback to that night in the alley, the guy who took advantage of you, but this time it doesn't go that way.

A man with soulful eyes and a kind smile kneels next to you, his hand remaining on your shoulder. "I think you're having a panic attack. Can I help you with that?" His voice is as kind and gentle as he looks, and you nod.

"Can you breathe for me? Like this." He inhales deeply and slowly, and when you try it it feels so foreign but you manage it.

"There you go," he says quietly. "Now breathe out.."

Soon he has your breathing back to normal, and you don't have to force your body to do what it naturally does.

"Tell me five things you can see," he continues.

A shaky breath in. Hey, at least it's a breath. "Um.. the water.. the sand.. the moon.. you.."

That's when you get your first good look at him, beyond the smile that works its warmth into your heart, and the eyes that search yours, exuding humanity that you haven't experienced in a long time. He's really cute. You can't deny that your heart skips a couple of beats.

"One more thing?" he says, his voice soft.

You snap back to reality. "Uh.. a ship.. out there in the distance?"

He glances behind him at the water, seeing the great big liner, possibly a cruise ship, on the inky horizon, and takes a seat next to you. "How are you feeling now?" he asks.

"Good.. I think. Better." You nod. "Thank you."

"May I?" he lifts your hand from your lap and turns the palm up, his fingers poised above your pulse point. You nod again.

He presses his touch to your wrist, and you watch his eyes calculating, his lips silently moving while counting. Despite everything you've been through the past two years, this is the most intimate thing you've felt.

"Your pulse is normal." He gently places your hand back on your lap. "Do you want to go back to the party or do you want to stay out here a little longer? If you want to go back," he adds, "I'll be with you, make sure you're okay."

You opt to stay on the beach, embracing the quiet for a little longer. This is the first time a man has had you alone and hasn't tried to fuck you. It's nice, for once.

Towards the end of the night he leads you back to the party house, guiding you through the throng of people there, the air rife with alcohol and the pungent aroma of weed. You're holding his hand, you realize as you walk together. He's your lifeline in this very moment. You grab your jacket and purse from one of the bedrooms, passing by couples making out, some slipping into rooms to do much more than kissing. To think you could have easily ended up there with a random guy makes your skin crawl.

"What was your name again?" you shout to him over the music.

"Justin!"

"Dustin?"

"Justin!"

You both laugh. You tell him your name and of course he mishears you.

He drives you to the small motel room you're sharing with your friends who are inevitably crashing at the beach house, too drugged or drunk or fucked to return for the night.

Justin smiles at you as the engine idles. "Is it okay if I ask you out?"

You exchange numbers, your heart thrumming with a pleasant nervousness. You haven't had a boyfriend since..

..not since Joel.

Don't think about him.

"You can reach out to me if you ever just feel like talking," he says. "I'm here."

So you do, and after a week of texting and a couple of late night calls and getting to know each other, you go for a date for the first time in three years.

Justin picks you up in a Honda Civic, and as you get comfy in the passenger seat you breathe in the scent of the black ice air freshener and his spearmint gum. The radio blasts Smashing Pumpkins at a level you know is too much but it only adds to the excitement of the evening.

He's a year older than you, native to Louisiana, and on leave from the Army.

Living just a half hour from your campus, you start to spend much of your time together. Movie dates, dinner dates, and dates where you just drive around, talking about nothing and everything.

You only sleep with him three months into your relationship, desiring to take things slow for once, to know him better than you have ever known anyone.

It's nice. It's like what you see in the movies, two people wrapped up in each other, soft, no words needed. For once your head isn't forced down into the pillow, or your pussy spit on. For once it's just normal, and normal feels so good.

June 2008 New Orleans, LA

Bourbon Street is alive, electric, no matter that it's a Sunday night. People will drift into work tomorrow still drunk on Zombies and Hurricanes. The entire street reeks of piss, but people either don't care or have been here long enough that it no longer harasses their senses. But more often than not, people are having too much of a good time to care.

You're behind the bar at little hole-in-the-wall place, slinging daiquiris and kamikaze shots when you hear a familiar voice and a tap on your shoulder. "Hey there, Cherry."

You turn and your eyes go wide. "Tommy!" You reach over the bar to hug him, nearly spilling a beer on him in the process. "It's been ages! How are you?

He looks older, more mature, even though it's only been five years since you last saw him: he's letting his facial hair grow, but his eyes still sparkle with mirth and kindness. "It's good to see you, girl." He's no longer with Sofia, their romance having ended a few years before, on friendly terms or so your cousin claimed. You always blamed yourself for the demise of their relationship, believing that your breakup with Joel cast a shadow over her own connection with Tommy.

"What are you doing here?" you ask.

"We're good, just here in town, expanding the business."

"We?" Your hands start to shake, and you put away the bottle of gin you have your grasp on. Your heart starts to pound before the next words even leave his mouth.

"Yeah, me and Joel are lettin' off a little steam, wanted to toss back a few before we go back to the hotel."

You feel his eyes on you before you're even aware that he's here. Looking up, at a small table near the entrance, is Joel Miller. Your heart stops, and you don't know how it is you're still alive. He looks you up and down, appraising every feature and detail about you, and you wonder if you've changed in five years or not. You wonder if he still loves or hates you.

"...and we thought this was that bar where girls dance and pour tequila down guys' throats, but this is just as good 'cause you're here."

Tommy manages to snap you out of your trance. "Oh.. you mean Coyote Ugly.."

"Yeah, they opened one in Austin a couple years back but this one ain't never wanna go nowhere," he motions back with his head to Joel.

You return your gaze to the older brother but he's no longer looking at you, his glance dotting along the crowd, following a younger woman as she saunters up to him, smiling, flirting. Your stomach turns and you force a smile at Tommy.

"Whatever you want is on me."

Tommy's smile and laughter is infectious. "You sure about that, Cherry?"

"I'm sure," you say, pouring out a shot for yourself. "You know, nobody's called me that in a long time."

"What's that?" he catches a bright sparkle on your left hand, and quickly takes it within his own. "Cherry, you didn't tell me you were engaged!"

Joel must have one ear straining to listen because Tommy's outburst got his attention right away and he swivels his head to look at you.

"Yeah.. he's a nice guy." That's how you describe Justin to everyone: he's a nice guy. He'd proposed last year after your one year dating anniversary. "He's in the Army, they're shipping him out a week after our wedding. And I'm going with him."

"He's a good guy if he's an Army man," Tommy approves, just as Joel approaches, the woman he was talking to now gone. "So? Are we invited to the weddin'?"

You can't tell if he's teasing or not, and Joel's poker face gives zero indication as well. "I already sent out save-the-dates, but if you'd like to come I won't object. The more the merrier." For the first time you see Joel up close and your heart stutters, an irregular beat that you'd gotten used to in the aftermath of your disastrous breakup.

He's still so fucking handsome: the dark brown of his hair fading to what you can already see as gray, with gray patches in his beard. There are more lines around his eyes. There's still that jolt of electricity when your gazes meet.

"You happy?" he asks, his countenance giving nothing away of his true feelings, so it's difficult to gage whether he's legitimately asking, or simply being nice.

"I'm happy." But it sounds forced, like taking the pliers to your own mouth to fix your own abscess.

Joel only nods as you pour a couple whiskeys for them. "To Cherry getting married!" Tommy beams his salute and the three of you down the shots quickly.

It's sometime after your shift, and you're in the parking lot with Tommy, his arms around you as he presses you to the side of his truck. Or maybe it's Joel's truck. You don't know and you don't care, all you want is to feel something again. The nearness of Joel all night has rewired your brain, and as Tommy deepens the kiss, you're disappointed that it's not Joel's taste, not Joel's scent that surrounds you. Luckily he's not a bad kisser, and his hands roam everywhere you want them to be.

Better the wrong Miller than no Miller at all, your whiskey-soaked brain tells you.

"Always thought you were pretty," he whispers, hands palming your breasts over your shirt. "But you were Joel's from the moment he set eyes on ya, told me so himself. Leave that one alone, she ain't for you.'"

"He didn't want me enough.." your voice cracks as tears spill effortlessly down your cheeks.

"Don't cry," he says gently. "I don't got any tissues with me." He uses his thumb to wipe away your tears. "Still want me to give you a ride home?"

You nod, telling him you need to make a quick trip to the ladies' room to fix your makeup, and in the narrow hallway where the restrooms are hidden from the rest of the bar, you run into Joel.

"Sorry," you mumble, trying to get around him, but he puts his large hand on your shoulder to stop you.

"You gonna take my brother home and fuck him? Then marry some Army jackass?" he says as in disbelief.

You put your guard up, tougher now than you were five years ago. "What I do is my business. By the way, how's Hailey?"

"Who?"

"Don't play dumb." You push past him and start for the women's room to fix your makeup when Joel stops you again.

"You ain't gonna fuck my brother tonight, or any other night, babygirl," he utters.

There's a fire lit under you now. "Oh? What are you, the Morality Police? Fuck off."

"Fuck me," he says. "You know you want to. You're probably wet from Tommy, and I appreciate his gettin' ya ready for me, but I notice the subtler signs: your eyes are glistenin', you've been lickin' your lips every time you look at me, and you probably haven't noticed, but your nipples are pokin' right through your shirt. I bet they're just beggin' for attention, huh?"

He says all this while just standing in front of you, not crowding you like any other guy would. And you realize he's not even trying to rile you up. He's giving you a choice.

"What makes you think I want you? I have a good man who loves me. He's all I need."

"Needs and wants are different, babygirl. Once you're married you're stuck with him til' death. Hope you realize that."

"I'm aware." But it's already hit you: you'll be with Nice Justin for the rest of your life. You'll be a Nice Wife and maintain a Nice Home for the inevitable Nice Kids you'll have. You hate Joel for putting this thought in your head.

"He fuck you like I did?" he asks in an intimate tone.

You shake your head, already pulling him into the restroom with you. "Joel, no one's ever fucked me like you did."

Your body delights in the quick, sweet reunion with him. It's as if time has never separated you, as if both your hearts are whole again. His mouth greedily devours your kisses. He tastes like whiskey and cigarettes, the latter a bad habit. You're shoved into one of the stalls, fumbling with the lock while Joel's hands find their way across your body, one under your shirt, palming your breast, the other going into your jeans, expertly finding your soaked panties, crooking his fingers into your cunt.

Your back is pressed against his broad chest, his cock already hard inside his jeans, rubbing furiously against your lower back until he bends you forward to press against your ass, finally pulling your jeans and panties down in one go.

Too much time has passed for you to be gentle or even careful. He presses you to the stall door, nothing but heat and raw need between you. Words not needed, your only communication grunts and whispered curses that echo against the tiles of the cramped space.

"You ain't takin' no slow and gentle with me, sugar. i ain't got the patience for that right now." He nudges against you and it's a wonder you don't burn up with all the fire that inflames you. After so long it's a labor of love to fit him again, but as his fingers add pressure to your clit you get wetter, opening for him as easily as you did years ago.

"There she is," he says. "Been waitin' for me, been needin' a real man to fill ya up, ain't ya, babygirl?" he huffs in your ear, breath warm against your skin. "Answer me, baby."

"Yes.." your voice comes out in a hiss, your brain only thinking about his cock, the way it stuffs you, the only thing that completes you.

"That's what I thought. These lil' college boys don't know what to do with such a tight, pretty pussy. And neither does your fiance." He hikes one of your legs up, tucking your knee under his arm, keeping you nice and open, watching himself slide in and out of your weeping slit, slamming himself against you as he sinks his thumb into your puckered asshole, eliciting an all-but muffled gasp from you. "I know you called me just so I could listen to them fuckin' ya.. I know you never came with them, not once. This pussy is mine, has been from the very start."

You're no longer a virginal high school grad, and he takes what he wants from you, giving you what he knows you need.

The door opens but he doesn't stop, just quiets his own noises and clamps his hand over your mouth to squelch your sounds. The stall door jiggles and you put your hand over it until the person grumbles and walks away, muttering about having to piss. When they're gone Joel pumps into you relentlessly, chasing his pleasure and yours. He knows by now what will make you come, which combination of touches and kisses make your knees weak and your clit stand at attention.

"Fucking come for me, you little slut," he whispers, his tone almost loving if you didn't know better, and when you let go the pleasure is almost painful. Years of need and pent-up longing are released as your cunt squeezes around his rigid cock, milking him, smiling when you feel the warm spurt of his come as he presses deep at your cervix.

"That's my girl," he says proudly, your come spilling out already, lining his dick with a mix of both of you. "She's wrecked, split wide open like she's meant to be.. gonna send you back to your man drippin' with my come, used up like a good lil' whore."

His words add a sweet sting to the pleasure that has yet to ebb, resounding through your veins like thunder that takes its time in rolling away from the storm. Whore.. well, he's not wrong.

When your heavy breathing has subsided, you feel him start to slip out of you and you put your hand back on his thigh, a silent gesture to hold off.

"Missed you.. needed you," you mutter, tears of joy and relief and heartache brim in your eyes, until you allow the pleasure of the moment to take over without thought or feeling.

"I know.." he says softly, slipping out of you, careful as you're still sensitive.

That could have been the end. You could have gone your separate ways, but you're drawn to each other, and that doesn't go away easily. When you emerge from the rear entrance of the bar, Tommy looks up, and you can tell he expected that you'd end up with Joel instead. He simply nods as you pass him, walking with Joel to the tiny apartment you share with Justin, who's out of town visiting family. And as you and Joel spend the rest of the night locked in each other's embrace, you realize you don't care if he walks in on you, kicks you out, breaks off the engagement. You're with Joel and nothing else matters.

By dawn you wake up to find that he's gone, leaving only the scent of him on the pillow next to you. No note, no explanation, no goodbye. And once again you're sure you only dreamed up Joel Miller, used him as a mental escape for the life you were tying yourself down to.

It's very atypical for you to forgo a period, even at your most stressed, you can count on seeing that bright red stain on the toilet paper around the middle of every month. And when, by mid-July, you haven't even spotted, the first thing you do is take a pregnancy test.

All the men before have been careful, or you've been fortunate enough not to have a scare. But when you finally force yourself to look at the the little blue plus sign developing on the test strip, you realize this is no scare.

You're pregnant with Joel's baby.

The wedding takes place as expected, and your heart sinks when you walk down the aisle, seeing the joy on Justin's face. You've told him the baby is his, and he doesn't doubt it for a moment, that's how much he loves you. But for a fleeting moment you want so bad for it to be Joel at the altar instead.

The ceremony goes by in a blur, as everyone warned you it would. Group pictures are taken, the videographer is capturing the moments that photos alone can't encapsulate.

"Over here, honey!" photographer gets your attention. You barely hear him as you watch a figure walking out, one of the last guests to leave the church. From behind he looks like Joel, but you can't quite tell, and when your eyes fully focus, he's gone, and your own vision can't be trusted.

Tommy gave his regrets that he couldn't attend, and Joel simply never RSVP'd. But in your heart you know it was him, you know he had to come and see for himself that you're moving on, growing up and growing away from him. The only tether you have to him is the baby growing in your belly.

"Front and center, Mrs. Williams," Justin smirks, giving your cheek a soft kiss. "One more picture then we're onto the reception."

March 2009

Your daughter is born in the springtime, a loud and howling child from the moment she leaves you. The only time she's quiet is when she's in your arms.

"We need to decide on a name," Justin says, a little miffed that his daughter cries when he holds her despite his best efforts to soothe her.

"I told you, I like Ophelia," you say, gathering her into your arms to feed her.

"It's such a prissy name. And I can already tell she's not gonna be prissy."

"Then what do you suggest?" you ask tiredly. He doesn't seem to understand you've gone through labor for twenty four hours, only thinking of himself.

"Eleanor, after my mother."

You groan. "I always hated that name."

"Please, babe. It'll make her so happy to have her granddaughter as her namesake."

"Fine. Fine. But her middle name is Ophelia."

"Deal." Justin smiles as he fills out the paperwork.

"Eleanor.." you tell your baby. "But I'm going to call you Ellie."

Your mother once told you that when you become a parent, your life is not your own anymore. She said it as a kind of warning, a prophecy yet to be fulfilled when you were just a pre-teen, rolling your eyes at her warning you away from all kinds of danger.

You never expected she'd be right. Every waking moment holds more weight than ever before. Ellie is completely dependent on you, even as she grows and becomes more independent. It's you she looks to for validation when she does something right, and you she looks to when she knows she's in trouble.

She's smart as a whip, quick with a comeback and well versed in anything she can get her hands on. She excels in sports too-- individually, at first. As she gets older you notice a little bit of a mean streak in her. While she craves friends and wants to be part of a team, she has trouble making connections sometimes.

You have to wonder if part of that comes from Joel, his stubbornness and his lone wolf tendencies. Has he unknowingly passed down the most insecure parts of himself to his daughter? Sorry, his secondborn daughter?

Now there's literal proof of Joel Miller as a person, in human form, and she's trudging upstairs with her field hockey equipment and slamming her bedroom door.

Between the years of 2004 and 2008 you could almost convince yourself that he didn't exist, that he was a figment of your runaway imagination, born of a father complex and attachment issues. You work on yourself in therapy, feeling small as you divulge the innermost secrets of your heart and the intrusive thoughts, even going so far as to reveal that you've looked for Joel on social media, now that everyone has a profile.

Born of an intrusive thought, you type his name into the search bar on Facebook. Getting quite a few findings of those with the same name, you narrow the search. Joel Miller, Austin Texas His company logo comes up as its own page, and you notice it's changed, probably Tommy's idea as Joel never liked change.

Searching further you find his picture. There it is: Joel Miller, Boston Massachusetts

Huh?

You click on his profile while your heart thumps strongly within your ribcage. You wish you could let it out, set it free.

There he is, looking older than the last time you saw him, the grey more prominent in his hair, looking serious in his selfie. Even though it's just a selfie, a random moment in time, you can't help blushing, as if he's looking at you through the screen, appraising your own measure of aging. You wonder what you were doing that exact moment he took the picture.

But your hunger for knowledge needs to be fed, and scrolling down you swear you misread it at first.

Relationship status: Married

There's a roaring in your ears as your mouse hovers over the name next to those words: Tess Servopoulos

From there you check out her profile, see that she's from Detroit, five years younger than Joel. While his profile pic is only of himself, hers shows them together, on a hiking trail somewhere, Joel's arms around her from behind.

You slam the laptop shut, your blood buzzing in your veins. You feel distractingly alive, the heartache spreading through every muscle and nerve ending. Your past is brought to full fucking focus.

Against your better judgment you open the screen again and search through Tess's photos, specifically the ones of Joel. Most of the comments are from a couple of guys named Bill and Frank, who after some digging you come to find are married, and friends with Joel and Tess. You hit the jackpot when you find a video she uploaded, a fifteen-second clip of Joel holding a baby. Your heart stops when you realize the baby isn't his but Sarah's, and he's now a grandfather.

It feels like you're spying on them. You know so much about them by now, and the one glaring omission is children. They don't seem to have any.

Going back to Joel's profile, you hover the mouse dangerously over the Add Friend button. When you click it, it's the strongest rush you've felt in ages.

Weeks later, he hasn't accepted it. The sparkle of your anticipation is dulled, and with a heavy heart you click to cancel the request.

A couple years down the road you get a notification from Facebook Messenger while you're watching Narcos.

Message Request. Sarah Miller Hey! It's been forever! How are you?

dividers by @saradika-graphics 👑

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[blondechariot]

~Three Heartbeats Deep~

pairing: Mingyu x reader x Mingi

warnings: SMUT, Threesome, no mxm, unprotected sex, mentions of alcohol and vomiting, angst, some fluff, tension

disclaimer: not my gifs!

Request: @nonu17 Hi! Could you please write something for my best friend who is studying really hard and deserves a treat? She would die for Mingi x fem reader x Mingyu, something with fluff, smut and maybe angst if it inspires you? THANK YOU SO MUCH 🩷

You’ve been staring at the same paragraph in your study script for exactly four minutes and twenty-three seconds. Your forehead is resting on your arms, a bright yellow highlighter slowly rolling off your notebook and onto the floor. Exam period, day nine. Your brain is officially mush.

“If you keep staring at that script like that, it might just catch fire on its own,” comes a familiar voice.

You blink up.

Mingyu. Wide grin. Two to-go coffees in one hand, and in the other… a plastic dinosaur?

“Emotional support,” he declares solemnly and hands you the dino. “His name’s Klaus. Klaus believes in you.”

“And I brought sugar with extra coffee,” shouts a second voice behind him.

Mingi. Sunglasses on his head, despite the fact that you’re indoors. He’s juggling a bag of gummy bears like it’s the only thing that matters today.

You sit up. “What are you guys doing here? You’re done with exams.”

“Exactly,” says Mingyu, settling into the seat across from you. “But leaving you alone during this time would be borderline negligent homicide. So we’re here to offer emotional support.”

“And snacks. And breaks. And Klaus,” adds Mingi, sliding the coffee over to you. “What are you studying anyway?”

“Statistics,” you mumble. “I don’t understand a thing. My brain is literal porridge.”

Mingyu leans forward. “Did you know your brain can’t retain new information when it’s under stress? That’s science. What you need is dopamine. Preferably through laughter.”

“Or gummy bears,” says Mingi with a dead-serious look. “But laughter is cheaper.”

You laugh. For the first time in days.

Maybe you’re still overwhelmed. But with two ridiculous guys, a dino named Klaus, and a caffeine level that’s nearly making you float, the chaos feels just a little less terrifying.

The sun is low when you step out of the library. Your eyes squint against the warm light that paints the stone tiles in shades of orange. Mingi is already a few meters ahead, calling something like, “I’m getting us something sweet, don’t move!”, while dramatically swaying his hips as he heads toward the campus kiosk.

You stop, take a breath.

Mingyu is next to you, hands in his pockets, eyes on the swirling leaves at your feet.

“You seem more relaxed,” he says after a moment. “Or are you just too tired to panic?”

You smirk. “Could be. Or maybe it’s Klaus, the emotionally supportive plastic dinosaur.”

“Klaus has magical powers,” Mingyu replies dryly. “Could’ve used him back in my exam days too.”

You turn your head slightly toward him – and that’s when you really notice.

How the light softly hits his cheekbones. How relaxed his posture is, this tall, somehow gentle guy beside you. His hair is messy, there’s a trace of sweat on his temple, his shirt is wrinkled – and still, he looks so good that for one split second, everything inside you goes quiet.

You quickly look away.

Not now. Not you. Not when you barely have time to breathe.

Mingyu glances at you from the corner of his eye. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” you say quickly. “Just… overstimulated.”

He nods. “I get it. Exam season is like a bad ex – exhausting, invasive, and always showing up when you just want peace.”

You laugh. A small, genuine sound that lingers in the air between you.

From a distance, Mingi yells, “I got Snickers, but there were only two left so you’ll have to fight!”

Mingyu rolls his eyes. “Hope you secretly learned how to throw people.”

You pretend to shrug off your backpack. “I’ve got statistics books. They weigh at least ten kilos. I win.”

And even though you know you’ll probably be crying over your notes again tomorrow – for now, there’s a quiet, warm flutter in your stomach.

One you choose to ignore.

The next day

“If I have to read one more chapter of statistics, my left eyelid is going to start twitching,” you mumble, snapping your book shut. Your brain is mush. Your back aches from sitting too long. And your stomach growls in protest.

“Perfect,” says Mingi. “Exactly the right moment for… pancakes!”

You blink. “Pancakes? You want to make pancakes at nine p.m.?”

“This isn’t a whim, it’s science,” he replies with a deadly serious look, brandishing a wooden spoon. “Statistics for the soul.”

He’s already standing in the small kitchen. You want to laugh at him – but honestly? You kind of need this right now.

Ten minutes later you’re sitting on the counter, watching him toss flour around like it’s confetti. Half of it ends up on the floor. He attempts to crack an egg with one hand – unnecessarily dramatic – and fails.

“You’re really not a cook, are you?”

“I’m an artist,” he says proudly. “I don’t cook with recipes. I cook with emotion. And my emotion says this pan is too hot – OW!”

You burst out laughing, so hard that tears prick the corners of your eyes.

Mingi shakes his hand out, grinning crookedly – and then he looks at you. A little too long. A little too seriously.

“You know what I like?” he asks suddenly. “When you laugh. You’re always so… in your head. So serious. But when you laugh, it’s like you’re finally breathing.”

You go red, turning your head away. “Stop. I’m a walking study wreck.”

“A charming study wreck with a huge brain and a frankly ridiculous number of highlighters,” he shoots back. “And extremely sexy under-eye bags.”

You laugh again. Of course you do. He always gets you.

He hands you a slightly lopsided pancake with a mock bow. “For you, Queen of Curves and Correlation.”

You take it, trying not to think too much about how soft this moment feels. Or how easily Mingi makes you forget that you’re just a stressed, overtired student scared of failing.

Because right now?

You feel like more.

Exam Day, 7:00 AM

You’re crouched over the toilet, trembling. Not because you’re sick.

But because today is that day.

The day you’ve been having nightmares about for weeks.

The damn statistics exam.

You’re nauseous.

Your stomach is in open rebellion.

Your thoughts are racing like wildfire in every direction.

And then – with no warning – you throw up.

“Y/N?”

Mingyu’s voice from behind the door. Gentle, but alert.

“You okay? The door was open…”

You can’t get a word out. Just a faint groan, your head resting against the cool bathroom wall.

The door creaks open slowly.

Mingyu steps in, followed closely by Mingi – still holding a toothbrush and looking like he just ran a marathon in his sleep.

“Shit,” Mingi mutters, crouching next to you.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Deep breaths.”

Mingyu hands you a glass of water without saying a word, his expression serious but calm.

No pity. No teasing.

Just that classic Mingyu look – I’m not going anywhere, no matter how uncomfortable this gets.

“I can’t do this,” you whisper.

“My mind’s blank. My body’s giving out. I’m done.”

Mingi runs a hand through his hair and starts pacing the bathroom in his sweats.

“Alright, new plan,” he says.

“We’ll tell the exam you’re not coming because you got run over by life. Or adopted a kitten. Or joined a cartel. Something with impact.”

Mingyu lets out a soft laugh. Then he slides down to the floor beside you, leaning against the wall.

“You don’t have to crush it,” he says. “You just have to get through it. That’s the goal today. Survive it. You don’t have to walk out as Einstein.”

Mingi nods. “And if you puke during the exam, just tell them you’re conducting a live demonstration of Newton’s Third Law.”

A shaky but real smile tugs at your lips.

You sip the water. One breath. Then another.

“Okay,” you finally say. “Okay. I’ll try.”

Your heart is still racing, but you stand.

Pen in hand. Head clearer than expected.

“And remember,” Mingyu says with a small nod,

“You’re more than this grade.”

“So much more,” Mingi adds.

You smile faintly. “Thanks. Really.”

“Now go,” says Mingyu. “Wreck that damn exam.”

You walk into the room.

And for the first time in weeks,

you don’t feel like you’re doing it alone.

Four hours later

The door falls shut behind you – and for one single breath, there’s nothing but silence.

Then everything hits you at once.

Air in your lungs. Sweat on your forehead. And a sudden, overwhelming rush of euphoria that makes you burst out laughing.

“OH MY GOD!”

Mingyu and Mingi are barely five meters away. They’d been leaning casually against the wall, but now – now they’re on full alert.

Mingi straightens like someone just pulled the fire alarm.

“Y/N?!”

“I DID IT!!” you shout, running straight at them, completely over the top, no regard for awkwardness or whoever’s watching – and you literally throw yourself into their arms.

You wrap yourself around Mingyu’s neck, pressing your forehead to his shoulder, then switch to Mingi, who stumbles back dramatically like you knocked the wind out of him.

“I wrote! Like a crazy person! I calculated! I understood things! I think I even got that damn scatter plot!”

“HELL YES!” Mingi yells and lifts you off the ground, like you’re made of pure joy.

“Statistics has been officially defeated!”

“She wrecked it!” Mingyu calls, slapping Mingi a high five.

“I told you. I told you!”

“We have to celebrate!” you shout, still grinning like you just saved the world.

“I want to dance. I want to drink. I want to eat like a normal human being again!”

“That’s the only correct response,” says Mingi, already typing on his phone.

“I’m finding the best club in the city. Or the worst bar. As long as there’s music and terrible decisions.”

“And shots,” Mingyu mutters. “We need shots.”

“I need glitter. And bass. And someone to play Mr. Brightside.”

“You’ll get everything you want,” Mingi declares, bowing dramatically.

“Tonight is yours.”

You nod wildly, your heartbeat still racing – but this time not from fear.

From life.

Tonight, you’re going dancing.

10:36 PM, some club in Hongdae

The bass is pounding in your chest, the lights are flashing in colors that are way too bright – and your head is blissfully empty. Finally.

No thoughts of statistics.

No responsibility.

No “what if.”

Just music.

Alcohol.

And the two guys you’re stumbling through the crowd with, as if the three of you have always been your own little chaos universe.

Mingi’s got a half-full long drink in hand and is dancing like he personally invented the early 2000s. He’s shouting the chorus to Hot in Herre, though you’re pretty sure he’s making up half the lyrics. His shirt is half unbuttoned, hair sticking slightly to his forehead. He looks dangerously good – in that effortless, slightly messy way that’s only more dangerous when alcohol is involved.

Mingyu is behind you. Close, but not too close. Just enough that you feel his breath when he leans in to say something.

“I think Mingi just flirted with the DJ.”

You turn toward him, grinning. “He flirts with anything that doesn’t run away in under three seconds.”

“He talked to a street sign today,” Mingyu says dryly. “Pretty sure it winked at him.”

You laugh, stumble a little – and without thinking, you grab Mingyu’s arm to steady yourself.

He doesn’t let go. Not right away.

Just a few seconds longer than necessary.

And you feel it.

That damned heat rising under your skin, even though the club is already too loud, too full, too warm.

You down the rest of your drink. “I need another one.”

“I’ll come with you,” Mingi says suddenly behind you.

You hadn’t even noticed him coming back. He’s slightly sweaty, his eyes glinting – not just from the alcohol.

“I thought you were about to marry the DJ,” you tease.

“She played Crazy in Love,” he shrugs. “I had a moment.”

He winks and briefly places a hand on your back, steering you through the crowd toward the bar – Mingyu right on your other side.

And there it is.

That damn tension.

Not obvious. Not definite. But unmistakably there.

In the quick glances. The casual touches.

The way they both just exist next to you – laughing with you, drinking with you, as if you were the center of the night without them ever needing to say it out loud.

You feel it in your knees. In your stomach. In your head that’s supposed to be empty, but is quietly wondering what this actually is.

What happens when you go out with two guys who each knock you off balance in their own way?

You don’t know.

But tonight, you don’t care.

1:30 AM – in the club

The drink was a mistake.

Or exactly the right choice.

You can’t tell.

The world is a blur, the music pulses at the base of your neck, your skin tingles – and you can’t stop grinning.

Mingi’s dancing in front of you again. A little too close. A little too cheeky.

That kind of reckless energy where you’re never sure if he’s flirting or just being unapologetically himself.

He makes a face, rolls his shoulders, and throws in an exaggerated hip move that makes you burst out laughing.

“You’re ridiculous!” you shout over the beat.

“I know!” he yells back, sticking out his tongue before grabbing your hands and spinning you around –

You stumble, laugh, catch yourself – right in front of him.

His hands are still on your hips.

For a moment, neither of you moves.

Close.

Too close.

You can feel his breath.

His eyes flick briefly to your mouth.

And then – a hand brushes your back.

You turn your head slightly.

Mingyu.

He’s behind you, his gaze calm, his body near – not pressing, not pushing, just… there.

You’re between them now.

Surrounded.

And everything inside you is lit up.

You laugh again – because you don’t know what else to do – and you keep dancing.

Letting go. Letting the music take over.

Your hands rest on Mingi’s shoulders. His slide around your waist.

Behind you, Mingyu moves with you to the beat.

His chest brushes your back – just a little too much, just a little too long.

Your head is foggy from the alcohol.

But your body is wide awake.

Every touch feels amplified.

Every glance says more than words ever could.

Mingi pulls you in closer, playfully, his lips near your ear.

“Having fun?”

“So much,” you breathe. “More than I have in a long time.”

He grins wide, nodding. “Good. You deserve it.”

You’re about to respond when Mingyu’s hand gently traces your shoulder.

Not demanding. Not accidental.

Your heart pounds.

You’re standing in the middle of the dance floor, between two guys who both live in your head in completely different ways.

Everything is blurred. Everything is buzzing.

And for a few seconds, there are no thoughts – just this feeling:

That something is shifting.

Not tonight.

Not yet.

But soon.

3:00 AM

The door slams shut behind you with a clatter, and your laughter echoes way too loudly down the hallway.

“Why do we always have to take off our shoes? Are we in Japan or something?” Mingi shouts, half-missing his step as he tries to kick off his sneakers, while Mingyu quietly – and with an almost professional air – sets down two glasses of water on the kitchen counter.

You stumble backward into the living room, toss your bag onto the floor, and collapse face-first onto the couch.

“I’m… dead,” you mumble into the cushions. “Totally dead. But like… happily dead.”

“Would ketchup chips help with that?” Mingi asks, rummaging through your snack cupboard like a man on a mission.

“You’re weird,” you murmur.

“I know,” he replies proudly.

Mingyu drops down onto the couch beside you, his legs brushing against yours like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

“I haven’t had a drink in five hours that didn’t burn going down. My stomach hates me.”

“My brain’s boiled,” you say, voice muffled by the couch.

You roll onto your back, landing between them – and for a moment, nothing happens. No joke. No snarky comment. Just the slow, heavy rhythm of breathing in a space where the night should finally be quieting down.

But there it is again.

That tension.

Mingyu is so close you can smell his cologne – warm, spicy, familiar.

Mingi is perched on the armrest, the top buttons of his shirt undone, head tilted, eyes tired but sharp as ever.

Your gaze drifts from one to the other.

Mingyu.

Mingi.

Your lips feel dry.

Your heart beats faster – though no one’s said a word.

And then it hits you.

You want them.

Their nearness.

Their bodies.

Their energy.

It’s not even a conscious decision.

It’s just… a response. A physical echo of a night that was too much and exactly right, all at once.

You sit up without thinking, bracing yourself between them, your knees nearly brushing Mingyu’s thigh.

Mingi raises an eyebrow. “You good?”

“I think I’m just… feeling too much,” you whisper.

And there’s something in your voice – raw, unfiltered – the kind of honesty that only comes from exhaustion, alcohol, and desires that have been sitting quietly for way too long.

They both look at you.

Not surprised.

Not confused.

Just present.

Fully aware.

As if they’ve felt it too, this whole time.

The air grows heavy.

Still.

Everything that was easy and playful now hums beneath the surface.

You want them.

Both of them.

And you know this moment is just a breath away from tipping over.

“Okay,” Mingi says, looking down at himself. “I’m too drunk to open this bag of chips.”

“It’s already open,” Mingyu murmurs.

“Oh. Good.”

He lets himself fall onto the couch – theatrically, dramatically – landing not just next to you, but partly on you.

You tip sideways, your body pressed up against Mingyu, who instinctively wraps an arm around you.

“Whoa,” Mingyu says with a crooked grin. “Little warning next time.”

“You’re both idiots,” you mumble, now half on Mingyu, half under Mingi’s elbow.

“Or I’m just way too small for this couch.”

“Or the couch is too small for this configuration,” Mingi says, cracking up with that over-the-top, slightly unhinged drunk laugh that’s way too loud for the time of night.

“You know what?” you say, your head now resting against Mingyu’s shoulder.

“I don’t think I’m really in control of my decisions anymore.”

“I think that’s called a Friday night,” Mingyu mutters.

You shift slightly, turning your face toward his.

Way too close.

His arm is still around you. His hand at your waist.

And even though there’s alcohol in your blood and sleep in your brain – the moment is sharp.

Clear.

You look into his eyes.

And then you kiss him.

Just like that.

No hesitation.

No build-up.

His mouth is warm, soft, tastes faintly sweet – maybe the last sip of some sugary cocktail.

He kisses you back instantly, without a second’s doubt.

His hand slides up your back – light, but firm.

His tongue meets yours gently, and you place your hands on his solid arms as he pulls you closer.

The moment stretches.

Lingers.

Until you suddenly pause.

Breathe.

And slowly turn your head.

Mingi is lying beside you.

Not far.

Way too close.

His eyes are wide, fixed on your face. His mouth slightly open – like he expected something, but definitely not this.

“Y/N…” he whispers.

No question.

No protest.

Just your name.

Warm, surprised – almost tender.

You lean toward him.

And kiss him too.

His breath hitches for a second –

Then he kisses you back.

First tentative.

Then deeper.

His hand finds your thigh, rests there – like he needs the confirmation that this is real.

He shifts, pressing against Mingyu, whose breath has gone shallow.

When you finally pull back, you’re lying between them.

Your pulse is pounding.

Your thoughts are a shimmering, chaotic blur.

But the desire?

It’s crystal clear.

You lie between them. Your lips are still warm from both kisses, your pulse still too fast, your breathing too shallow.

Mingyu looks at you. Something in his gaze has changed – darker, more focused. And at the same time so careful, as if he wants to make sure you're still yourself. "Do you want this?" he asks quietly.

No accusation. No pressure. Just an honest question, lying between you like the last shred of control. You nod. And it doesn't take anything more.

Mingyu leans towards you, kisses you again, this time slower, deeper, his hand on your stomach, his fingers gently sliding under the fabric of your shirt.

You feel the warmth of his skin, the slight tremor in his breath. Everything suddenly feels incredibly present – ​​as if through a filter that amplifies everything. Mingi moves behind you. You feel his fingers first on your hip, then on your neck.

Gently, almost searching, as if he's testing whether he's even allowed to – until you lean back slightly, resting your head against his shoulder. He understands.

His lips brush your neck. Gently. Warmly. You pull Mingyu down to you, your fingers in the hem of his shirt. Mingi behind you lets his breath brush over your shoulder.

His hand is on your thigh now, sliding over the inside, slowly, watchfully, with a gaze that questions and holds you at the same time.

There's no competition between them. No pressure. It feels like... a rhythm. A shared tension that keeps building. And you, in the middle, part of it all.

From Mingyu's kiss, which now gets deeper, more demanding. From Mingi's touch, his fingers slide down the inside of your thigh to your skirt, which he carefully pushes up, and then places his hand between your legs to gently touch your core.

You open your mouth briefly and gasp slightly. Mingyu slides his tongue back into your mouth and his hands stroke your torso, your stomach, and slide under your shirt, resting on your breasts.

You feel his fingertips on your skin - warm, firm, demanding. Your muscles contract slightly as his lips lose themselves on your neck while his hips nestle between yours. Everything about him is strong, heavy, present - and you want more of it. Much more.

At the same time, Mingi is behind you. His body presses against your back, as if he were made for exactly this closeness. His hands are softer, more exploratory.

One on your waist, the other between your thighs as he gently massages you over your panties. He barely moves, but every tiny touch from him burns itself deep into your consciousness.

His lips brush your shoulder as his voice whispers softly against your skin: "You're so beautiful, do you know that?" You take a hitching breath. "You only say things like that because you're drunk," you mumble, a half-breathed smile on your lips. "No," he whispers back, his mouth on your neck. "I say that because it's true."

Mingyu sits up slightly, carefully pulling your shirt over your head, his movements slow, attentive. As if you were something precious. You lie half-naked between them now, feeling both of their bodies, two completely different kinds of closeness – and yet nothing feels wrong.

Mingyu leans over you, kissing your chest, your stomach, while Mingi touches your back, tracing you with his fingertips as if he wanted to memorize every line of your body.

The tension inside you grows. Wave-like. Hot. You open your legs, instinctively, willingly – and Mingyu's eyes meet yours. He smiles. That one smile that is dangerous because it calms you and drives you crazy at the same time.

Shortly after, he too slips off his shirt and takes your hands, placing them on his toned stomach. You feel every movement of his muscles and bite your lip.

He kisses you briefly on the lips before he lies between your legs and takes Mingi's hand away. You sigh briefly and look around for him. Mingi turns your head towards him and kisses you passionately while Mingyu's mouth plants feather-light kisses on your thighs.

At some point you feel his fingers on your panties and how he slowly lets them slide down.

You lift your butt briefly so he can take it off. Meanwhile, Mingi's hand rests on your breast and pushes your bra aside. Your hands now also grab his shirt and undo the remaining buttons before he slips it off and kisses your neck.

One hand slides into Mingi's hair while the other rests on Minguy's head, which is still between your legs. His lips touch your pussy and he kisses it passionately, occasionally flicking his tongue over your clit.

You moan loudly and arch your body towards him. Mingi smiles against your neck and pulls your bra strap down before he props himself up with his elbow to look down at you.

You look into his eyes; they are dark and intense with desire. He leans towards you briefly, and you want to kiss him, but he goes a little lower and puts his mouth on your nipple. "Oh fuck," you gasp and close your eyes.

Mingyu continues to eat you out like there's no tomorrow, eventually joining in with his finger and slowly sliding it inside you. He glances up at you briefly and grins cheekily when he sees your reaction.

Meanwhile, Mingi sucks on your nipple and massages your other breast with his right hand while he touches himself through his pants with his left hand.

You feel Mingyu moan lightly against your pussy, the vibrations almost shaking you. His tongue is a little more aggressive now, and his grip on your thighs tightens. You gasp in shock as something inside you tightens. "I-I-" you stammer before you come loudly and scream his name.

Mingyu smiles contentedly and wipes his mouth as he looks into your eyes. You're completely out of breath when Mingi pulls you up onto your knees and takes off your bra. Mingyu is now kneeling in front of you as well, looking at you with hungry eyes. You grab him and pull him close to you to kiss him.

The kiss is anything but tender, it is rough, teeth gritted and you taste yourself on his lips. He moans softly into the kiss as his hands cup your ass.

Mingi kneels behind you and kisses your neck again, his hand wrapping around you and pressing you against his chest. Instinctively, you let your right hand fall back and reach between Mingi's legs where you can already feel his erection. The other hand reaches forward and does the same to Mingyu.

Both men moan loudly as you massage them and their grip on you becomes more forceful and almost possessive. Mingi is the first to unzip his pants and pull them down.

When you hear the sound, you pull away from Mingyu and turn to him. When you see Mingi's cock, you bite your lip and your mouth practically waters. Mingi looks at you with hungry eyes while Mingyu behind you holds your hair in a light ponytail and pushes you towards Mingi.

You lean forward, supporting yourself with your hands on the couch while Mingi's hand casually slides up and down his cock. You glance up at him briefly and replace his hand with your own. He inhales deeply as you open your mouth and let the tip slide between your lips.

"Oh fuck," he gasps immediately, and you begin to suck lightly. Mingyu grins amusedly at the sight behind you, his hands massaging your ass before he releases a swift slap.

You instinctively fall forward and squeal briefly, taking Mingi deeper into your mouth, and he moans loudly. Your tongue wraps around the underside of his cock and you gently slide your mouth up and down. "Fuck, if you could see this," Mingyu murmurs from behind you, smacking your ass again, only to bend down and soothe the red spot with a kiss.

You wiggle your ass a little, and he wastes no time. He practically rips his pants off and spits into his palm. You suddenly feel his tip against your pussy and press your ass against him so he can slowly enter you.

You moan at the sensation, the vibration of your voice getting under Mingi's skin, and he moves his hips slightly. Mingyu behind you also moans as he pulls halfway out of you and then pushes back in.

His grip on your ass is rock hard, and he slowly starts moving his hips in a steady rhythm. Your breasts begin to jiggle slightly as you bob your head up and down with Mingi's hard cock between your lips.

Mingyu's thrusts seem to control you and dictate the speed at which you suck Mingi's cock. He curses quietly under his breath over and over as he looks down at you.

At some point, he shakes his head and pulls out of your mouth. "I don't want to come like this." He gasps, straining, and falls back onto the sofa.

You look at him briefly in surprise, but then feel Mingyu's hand around your upper body and pull you up so that your back is pressed against his chest.

His thrusts become harder, more uncontrolled, and he presses his lips together with effort, while a hand rests on your throat. "Oh my God." You moan loudly as Mingi watches you and gently jerks himself off. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." Mingyu exclaims, the sound of skin slapping against skin echoing through the room, and he gently pulls your hair so that your head rests on his shoulder.

"Can I come inside you?" He breathes in your ear and gently bites your earlobe.

"Oh God, yes, please." You respond, lifting your hips to meet his thrusts. He places his finger on your clitoris and massages you vigorously.

You feel his cock begin to pulse inside you, and it gets faster and faster, his hot breath on your neck and his iron grip on you. He leans back a little so he can see him ramming his cock into you.

You moan just as loudly, his hips bucking against yours one last time, and he lets out a long, drawn-out "Fuuuuuuck" before he comes inside you.

He kisses your shoulder gently and strokes your arms with his hands before carefully pulling out of you and lying down on the other side of the couch.

His cum runs down your leg, but your mind reels when you see Mingi in front of you, breathing shallowly and looking hungry. You meet his gaze and climb into his lap.

He immediately wraps his arms around you and kisses you roughly while you grind your hips against his. At some point, he carefully lifts you and positions himself directly at your entrance. He looks at you questioningly once more, and you nod.

Then he slowly lowers you onto his cock. You both moan together, and you're still sore from Mingyu, but the feeling of Mingi inside you was divine.

He seems to be able to read your thoughts because he grins up at you as you put your arms around his shoulders. He lifts you up by your butt and lets you down on him again.

At some point you are moving up and down, your legs are like jelly but your body takes on a life of its own. Mingi's breathing becomes shallow, he moves his hips to adapt to you. You tilt your head back and moan loudly, he bends forward and puts his mouth on your breast.

Suddenly you feel someone behind you again, it's Mingyu. He is now kneeling behind you and lifts your hips with him while his hand rests on your clitoris. "Will you come for us again?" he whispers in your ear while Mingi gently bites your nipple.

You gasp and press him closer to you. Mingyu's fingers continue to work on your clitoris, his lips kiss your neck while his free hand cups your other breast. "Oh God, oh God," you moan loudly as you come for the second time that evening.

Your pussy contracts around Mingi's cock, and he comes just as loudly as you do. He's still inside you when you fall forward onto his chest. He puts his arms around you and kisses you gently on the forehead.

The three of you have to catch your breath; the whole room is spinning, and all you can hear is your attempt to calm down. Mingyu gently helps you stand up. Your legs are shaking, and he has to smile. "Are you okay?" he asks, taking your hands in his.

You just laugh derisively and sigh. "I need sleep," you say exhaustedly. Mingi nods and also gets up from the couch. "Good idea, all I can see is stars." As you're about to go to your bedroom, you stop in the doorway and turn to them again. "Are you coming?" Mingyu and Mingi exchange a quick glance but then smile.

The Next Morning

The first thing you feel is warmth.

Not the sticky heat from the night before – but something deeper.

Calmer.

As if your body still remembers what happened – who touched you.

Who held you.

Who’s still here.

Your bed is too small for three.

And yet, somehow, you all fit – as if each space found itself, without needing to be claimed.

Mingyu lies to your left, one hand resting on your stomach, his face half-buried in your hair. His breath brushes softly against your temple.

He’s still asleep, his body heavy and pressed to yours – like a quiet echo of how close he was to you just hours ago.

Mingi lies to your right, on his back, one arm under your neck, the other draped over his eyes.

At some point in the night, he’d started humming softly in his sleep. Now, he’s still.

His chest rises and falls slowly – and part of you wonders if he’s awake.

If he feels you.

You open your eyes just a little.

The room is dim. The curtains filter the morning light into soft stripes.

Somewhere outside, a bird is singing.

Inside – nothing.

Just three bodies.

Three breaths.

Three kinds of closeness.

You barely move, not wanting to disturb the moment.

Your head rests half on Mingyu’s chest, your legs tangled with Mingi’s.

And even though it’s cramped, even though it should feel uncomfortable – you feel strangely calm.

Not confused.

Not overwhelmed.

Just… soft.

You remember the first kiss.

Two hands on your skin.

Voices saying your name like it meant more than just you.

And the feeling – just for a moment – of being wanted.

Completely.

Not by one.

By both.

You lift your hand slowly, trace your fingers gently across Mingi’s ribs.

His skin is warm. His breath catches, just for a second.

Then he lowers the hand from his face, turns his head toward you – and looks at you.

No smile.

No shock.

Just a look.

Clear.

Steady.

Awake.

His lips part slightly, as if to say something – but he doesn’t.

Because in that same moment, you glance over at Mingyu.

He blinks slowly, like he’s only just arrived back in his body.

His fingers shift on your stomach, slide to your waist, pause – and stay.

Three looks.

Three thoughts that overlap – but none are spoken.

And there you are.

Lying between them.

Between what happened.

And whatever comes next.

It’s not important right now.

Not yet.

Right now, you’re just here.

Together.

[teddybeartoji]

彡 A MASSIVE PILE OF GUILT

☆. contains: tooru oikawa x gn!reader; this is called angst i think (with comfort), reader plays volleyball and oikawa comforts them after they lost a match, reader talks badly about themselves:( i'm sorry, they swear they're just really really good friends but they're also just fucking stupid wc: 4k

in the blink of an eye the loud screams and cheers transform into a disgusting mix of muffled noises in your ears. the lights are too bright and you feel like you're stuck to the ground; stuck under hundreds pairs of eyes. you can't move, you can't breathe. your arm stings, a painfully clear reminder of your fuckup.

you should've had it, you saw it coming, you had a plan and yet - here you are, watching the colorfol ball hit the wall of the big arena with a quiet thud!. your eye twitches, locked onto the missed oppurtunity in a form a sphere sit metres away from you and your teammates.

because of you.

like a statue; turned into stone, you stand in your awkward position, unable to comprehend that it's over. that it's really over. it feels like everybody is looking at you, cursing you in their own heads. is this what drowning feels like? even if you could open your mouth to try and save yourself with a big breath of air, the stifling stench of losing would surely just make you choke harder.

a palm slaps onto your shoulder and you don't have to look at the person to know who it is – a dejected captain trying to pick up their loved teammates. you can't look at them; how could you? they're trying to cheer you up while you're the sole reason you lost in the first place. they give you a squeeze, a silent plea for you to snap out of it and you comply, not wanting to humiliate them any more.

you did well!

an arm around your shoulder, you're being dragged away from the court and you taste blood – the result of biting into the soft skin of your inner cheek in order to surpress a cry. the lights are too bright and you just want out.

after the handshakes and the formalities are done, your coach gives you all a pep talk. not that it helps but what else is there to say right now. you eat in almost complete silence; the only sounds in your ears being the chewing and the crying.

you've yet to do that. your lip wobbles and your eyes are red but so far, no tears. but you know you will – it'll be the only thing you'll be doing after you've locked yourself away into your room.

good game!

you feel sick. the food in your mouth is starting to taste like vomit and the water isn't helping either. still, you refuse to stop. refuse to raise your eyes from your table to ask whether you can leave. you will sit there as long as the others do and you won't complain. you will eat the food just like the others do and you won't complain. you don't get to do that.

the hugs feel just as suffocating as the eyes. you've never felt this bad in your whole entire life. you feel bad for thinking that the hugs feel suffocating – they're literally trying to comfort you and you're blatantly refusing it. stupid. stupid. stupid.

everyone has their own things they do after a loss. some like to be alone, some like to go for a run, some like to beat the fuck out of a punch bag and some like to do watch a comedy film with their teammates. it's silly; none of them laugh during it anyway. but it helps. you know it does because you've done it with them – not this time though. and they don't pressure you; they're not stupid, they understand how it feels. you need a moment and they will give it to you.

your captain does sit you down for a second before letting you go though, calmly telling you how it wasn't your fault and how you'll get it next time. and it sucks. it sucks that you don't hear it... it sucks that nothing will make this feeling go away. you know it and your captain knows it.

their warm hand resting on your back does soothe the shivers that have been tormenting you ever since you lost the ball. and for the first time since that moment, you crane your neck, raising your heavy head to meet their eyes and now you do feel like crying. the sadness is there, but so is the same warmth, the same adoration one has for their loved ones. nobody is upset with you, nobody blames you. their hand rises from your back and goes up to ruffle your hair as you let your head fall against their chest. "you're okay."

they hold you close as your tears soak their shirt. you hear a loud sigh and you know they're holding back theirs. the shivers are back and you hiccup out a broken i'm sorry, which makes the captain pull away immediately and grab your shoulders.

"don't. it wasn't your fault. it wasn't. you can cry as much as you want but that? you're not allowed to do that." there's a certain determination in their glassy eyes and you have no other choice but to weakly nod your head before letting it fall again.

"by the way, i saw you not eat properly, so i'm keeping an extra eye on you tomorrow morning, okay?" they poke your cheek and you're thankful. "i'm gonna watch the movie with the others but i'm keeping my phone close by, so if you want company at any time, just let me know."

you raise your head back up, desperate to show your appreciation for them and nod again, cracking the world's smallest and saddest smile and they ruffle your hair again before standing up. "you're okay."

they close the door behind them and you take a minute to compose yourself. you can't seem to stop your hands from shaking though and it makes you angry. your now empty room is too quiet and your own reflection in the window is taunting you with an ugly expression. is that really how you look like right now?

you don't wanna know and you don't want to keep looking at it either. so you grab your hoodie and your wallet and make your way to the lobby of the hotel. maybe the reflection in the vending machine won't be so mean.

and it isn't. it's not mean at all. it's the exact opposite actually. from the fact that it's staring at you with rather soft eyes to the fact that it's not your own reflection.

"good game, right?" you scare yourself with your own voice – already so harsh and raspy. it comes out mean and you wince. you tear your eyes from his, focusing on the sweet drink that's locked behind the glass instead.

oikawa is never this quiet and it makes you want to hit him. make a joke. just do it. just do it already. but he doesn't. his steps are quiet as he goes to lean on the vending machine. he's nothing if not observant; he sees your shaky hands pressing the buttons with so much effort; how the lips that are usually pulled into a beautiful grin he loves so much are now wobbling, ready to spill all of your sorrows. your clenched jaw as you try to avoid his gaze for whatever reason.

please, look at me.

the vending machine dings as the mechanics push your drink to you. his eyes are unforgiving and you know he means well. you know he's not gonna make fun of you, he's not gonna tease you – not now. but you still feel ashamed, whether he says the joke or not; the joke has already been made and it's right here, standing in front of a stupid pink vending machine.

your head shakes on it's own, casting shame on yourself on it's own. the drink falls with a loud thud! but before you can kneel down to get it, a hand on your wrist stops you.

his hand is so warm and it's unusual, considering he tends to be cold almost always. he doesn't push you and let's you take a deep breath before you raise your eyes to his.

if his heart wasn't shattered before, it sure is now. your eyes are red and glassy, but mostly tired, so tired. there's no glint in them, dull and sad. his hand slips from your wrist to your palm, intertwining his fingers with yours. "you did well."

your head falls back as you choke out a broken laugh. "oh, fuck off. i don't wanna fucking hear that. it makes me sick." staring at the ceiling, you shake your head again as if to rid of the words from your mind.

oikawa feels useless. he's been in your situation and yet, he can't think of anything good to say. he remembers how much he hated whenever people said that to him after their loss to karosuno. he tries to swallow the lump in his throat; everything he comes up with just makes him feel even more sick. he wants to cry because he doesn't know how to comfort you. how to make it all better.

"do you want me to stay with you?"

that's the best he can come up with. maybe just his presence will be enough when his words clearly aren't. but when you shake your head again, his heart sinks.

"that's alright. let's uh– ... tomorrow, yeah?" bringing your eyes down from the ceiling, you try to give him a reassuring smile that says i'm fine but it obviously doesn't work. you see the hurt in his eyes and you just feel bad. you feel bad for everything. you're upsetting people even off the court. you just can't help it can you?

"i'm good. i just need to be alone right now." you try again, squeezing his hand. his mouth opens but another voice cuts him off.

"oikawa!"

from around the corners emerges an angry looking iwaizumi. "here you fucking are. coach said it's bed time—"

when his eyes travel from his troublesome best friend over to yours, he swallows his words in an instant. you see the remorse wash over his face and you kind of want to laugh. it's all too funny in a fucked up way. "sorry for interrupting. hey, that was a really goo—"

good game!

he stops himself. fuck. what do you say in this situation?

"good game, i know. maybe next time it'll be a great one, hm?" the bitterness just oozes out of you without your consent, making iwaizumi wince. you feel bad.

pulling your hand from oikawa's, you kneel down to finally grab your nearly forgotten drink. "it's okay, really. i know what you mean."

another weak smile. a pathetic one. "see you at breakfast, yeah?"

oikawa shoving iwaizumi is the last thing you see as you're making your way back to your room. your hands still haven't stopped shaking and opening the door is so fucking hard. the key card slips from between your fingers—

breathe... in...

and out...

you kneel down and pick it up in slow motion as you're tunnel visioning on just getting inside the room. you hear the click! and you burst in, slamming the door shut. the ugly reflection is back and it's laughing at you and you can't do it anymore. your knees buckle from under you, hitting the soft carpeted floor as you weep. hunched over, you just look like a big pile of guilt.

clutching at your heart through your shirt, you cry and you cry, taking in raggedy breaths just to let out pathetic little sounds. everything hurts – your knees, your arms, your head, your eyes, your fingers, your legs, your inner cheek. you pretty much crawl to the bathroom, grabbing a handful of tissues before plopping right back down onto the floor. your nose hurts, too.

for almost an hour – you don't move from your spot, rooted and rotting into the carpet. it's pathetic. you think about how the others are watching the movie, shedding tears quietly but together, nonetheless. sick of your own actions, you push yourself up and change your clothes. you even manage to drink some water and wash your face in this half-alive state of being. a+ for effort, huh?

you bury yourself under the blanket, wishing the bed would swallow you whole instead. the tears have returned and you feel the pillow getting wetter and wetter by the second. you don't have it in you to grab another tissue though, letting the feeling of the soaked material remind you of your fuckup.

a floor and a few rooms away, oikawa can't stop pacing around. "but they said they didn't want me to go with them...."

"have you ever considered that people lie, idiot?" a tired iwaizumi replies from underneath his blanket on the bed. "especially in a situation like this. it's not like you were any better, you know."

oikawa just glares at him, although it's very hard for iwaizumi to take him seriously when he's wearing his matching plaid pj set. "but what if they get upset that i didn't listen to them?"

"but don't you wanna go and comfort them?" iwaizumi questions harshly. "don't you wanna be there for them? is your fear of overstepping more important than their well-being right now?"

oikawa thinks of your tired, sad eyes and his fingers twitch. "no."

"obviously, dick. go on, then. you have to be back for breakfast though or i'll punch you." iwaizumi states before turning away from his friend and disappearing completely under the blanket.

"you're so mean, iwa... can you not threathen to punch me every two seconds? i'm trying to be so good." oikawa mutters with a pout, grabbing his phone and his hoodie, ready to be your knight in shining armor. knight in plaid pyjamas more like.

"just go already." his friend grumbles and oikawa gifts him a small bye-bye as he's already halfway out the door. the next thing he knows, he's sprinting through the hallways, thanking himself in his head for making you tell him your room number the second he saw you this morning. he doesn't even take the elevator, instead taking triple steps up the stairs. he's also thanking himself for becoming an athlete.

knock! knock! knock!

dismissing that as just a noise from the room next door, you continue your sniffling but when the knocks repeat in a faster manner, you figure one of your teammates had forgotten their key card. so, ever so slowly you push yourself from the comfort of your bed and head over to the door while trying to wipe the tears from your eyes as to look at least a little bit more composed. you're even ready to crack a joke about them losing the card, desperate to disctract the person behind the door from yourself.

but it's not any of your teammates, nor is it your manager of your coach.

it's your oikawa instead – eyes wide open and slightly panting. "you said you don't want me here but i– fuck, how many steps can be between one floor..." he clutches his hand over his chest, the stupid comment slipping out all on its own.

for a millisecond, for a fraction of time, the corners of your lips turn upward but they fall just as fast back down, leaving you both just standing there, staring at each other.

your eyes look way worse now; way more red, way more tired, way more sad, way more dull than a mere hour ago. he should've come here sooner and he imagines iwaizumi slapping the back of his head for his mistake.

"you said you wanna be alone but i don't care."

his blunt statement catches you a little off-guard, your eyebrows furrowing but oikawa just takes it as a green light. if you didn't want him there, surely you'd tell him that right away but you've been standing here with him for a almost half a minute and nothing.

he takes a step, closing the distance between the two of you. he pushes his glasses up on his nose and fiddles with his own fingers and it's weird again. he's nervous. but this isn't about him – it's about you. whatever he's feeling right now is nothing compared to what you're feeling and he just wants to be here for you.

for a second time today, he watches your bottom lip wobble and your chest rise as you take short sharp breaths. and for a second time today, a pair of eyes feel actually comforting. he's not trying to burn you, he's not trying to take back time and alter your actions. he's merely observing instead of dissecting. he's ready to catch you when you fall.

and you do. it's hard not to when he's standing in front of you and looking at you so fondly. your head falls against his strong chest, hands tucked between your bodies as his firmly wrap around you. he takes another step inside and closes the door behind him with his foot.

he listens to you cry into him, he feels your tears on his shirt and through it, on his skin. your hands grasp onto the material, bunching it up in your fists and he just holds you tighter against him.

"you're gonna win next time, i promise" he murmurs.

but when you just sob out a but i wanted to win this time, his heart aches so bad he thinks he's going to die.

oikawa curses at himself for walking right into that one and this time he swears he feels iwaizumi slap the back of his head for real. but he has no time to pity his poor choice of words when he feels your hands clutching at him just where his heart is.

he whispers a quiet i know and you sniffle again. he starts drawing soothing circles onto your back with his palm and he feels so warm. releasing his shirt from your hold, you snake your hands around his body instead, burrowing your face even more into his chest and you faintly hear him coo. it's the first time ever that he's done it in a genuine way and it's the first time you haven't felt the need to punch him for it.

his hand rests on the back of your head, keeping you in your place as he gently sways the both of you from side to side. "i got you."

after some time, he feels you going slack against him and decides to guide you to the bed. he climbs in with you and safely tucks you into the crook of his neck and lets you cry some more as he whispers it's okay against your temple. he just hopes that he's actually helping, that his words actually have an effect. god, he hopes he's making it at least a bit better for you.

he is. he's doing more than he could ever imagine. the thick goo of guilt and shame seems to be draining out of you when you feel his lips brush against your skin. he just might be washing the it off of you with his quiet praise. his words don't sound condescending nor do they sound fake. he means it when he says that you really did do well.

the tears have dried by now and oikawa can feel your eyelashes fluttering against his neck. the long tiring day is finally catching up to you as your breathing slows. he rests his head on top of yours and presses your body indifinitely closer to his. the tips of his fingers dance across your skin, drawing little circles and hearts as he soaks in the sight of you relaxing against him under the moonlight.

"did..."

your meek voice makes him crane his neck back so he can look at you better, ready to hear out whatever complaint you have, ready to comply to whatever request you have.

"did iwaizumi send you?"

...

"WHAT?" it comes out way louder and in a way higher pitch than he'd intended it to. he immediately clears his throat but his eyebrows are still furrowed. "i wanted to come here, why would you say that..."

he still can't see your face clearly from this angle but the way your body moves, is telling him that this isn't you crying anymore. this is you laughing.

"are you– are you fucking laughing at me right now?" he questions, trying to pry you from his neck to confirm his suspicion. and he's fucking right. when you finally unlatch yourself from his body and roll onto your back, you have the tiniest, smallest smile on your lips and oikawa's mouth falls slack. "i wanted to come! i– i'm a good friend!"

it shouldn't be this funny. it really shouldn't because he is a good friend, isn't he? he's here now, holding you, comforting you; he came to you and you're now making fun of him. but you can't help it, the thought of iwaizumi "lecturing" him is silly in this moment. not that you doubt that he came here only because of that, of course. but knowing him, you just think he probably needed a push to actually do it.

oikawa holds himself up above you, observing the small freckles that adorn your face. your eyes are still red and still tired but... the small little glint is back. the same one that's always there when you make fun of him. or when you laugh.

"i literally ran here and this is how you treat me?"

"you're telling me it took you an hour to run up the stairs? i thought you were a volleyball player, shouldn't your stamina be better–" you poke at his chest (right where his heart is) and he lets out a very loud and a very dramatic gasp. "or did your boyfriend have to convince you to come over and console me?"

oikawa's lips tilt into a smirk, happy to hear you barking at him at last. "first of all, don't ever call him my boyfriend ever again–" he situates himself next to you, so his both hands are free. you should've seen this coming, too. "and second of all, you really oughta treat me better."

before you can taunt him with a good old "or what?", his hands are tickling your sides, fingers dancing along your skin as laughter bubbles up from your throat. you try to fight him off, hands clutching onto his in order to stop his torment but to no avail.

"i am... trying... to be.... a good... friend... and this is... what i get... huh..." he rasps as he continues soaking in the sound of your laughter.

"you're.... always... in it for something... that's not... a... real friend... tooru..." you breathe back with a grin and he stops. he doesn't take his hands off of you though, just resting them on your waist.

"you're spending way too much time with iwaizumi, you're both just so mean to me." he's pouting. oikawa is sitting back on his legs and he's actually pouting.

"am i gonna have to console you now?"

"yes." he deadpans.

...

you push yourself up onto your elbow and lean up to boop his nose. "you're stupid."

"no, you're stupid." he grins back.

he has his ways of getting you out of a slump, he always has. him sitting here on your tiny little bed, pouting and laughing is only merely of them. you couldn't wish for a better friend. his hands feel so warm on you and you're so grateful. sitting up, you slap your hands on his shoulders (which of course, makes him wince in a very over the top way). "thanks for coming, tooru."

he rolls his eyes. "pffft."

...

pfft?

"excuse me?" you glare at him and he decides that you and iwaizumi can never hang out ever again.

"i– i meant– yeah, of course. anything for you." he stutters out as you keep glaring at him. he then leans in closer, so much so that your noses are almost touching. "i'm really proud of you, you know."

heat crawls up from your neck and you feel the tips of your ears warm up, overwhelmed by the sudden genuine praise. but you can't let him have the upper hand. not now, not ever. he'll never let you live it down.

"your breath stinks, you know."

his eyes close with another incredibly dramatic sigh as he rests his forehead against yours but while doing so, he takes notice of your hot skin and the way you giggle, and translates it into your language –

thank you.

[thoughtsforsoob]

txt - s/o who struggles with food

a/n: this going to be a very angsty work so please bear with me...i'm feeling very angsty these days. anyways, this hits a little close to home so I understand if you're not able to read this. please be kind to yourself. i'm always here to chat if you ever need anything. please enjoy.

warnings! I will be discussing ed's and food and everything within that realm so please read this at your own digression! (you're not alone. if you're going through something right now, please seek help. it can be hard but you've got this! I believe in you!)

Yeonjun

Yeonjun for sure takes a while to notice anything is ever happening. He just gets so busy with work that he forgets. Sometimes, he struggles to take care of himself for this reason so he can definitely understand the struggle of taking care of yourself enough. When he does find out, he does all he can to help you. He's really caring towards his partner. 

By this point, Yeonjun hadn't seen in person for about 2 months. He was off on tour with the group. Of course, you two had facetime sessions when you two had a moment to spare but it still couldn't have prepared him for what he would face when he got home. The moment he arrived at the airport back home, he immediately asked to go back to your shared apartment. When he arrived, you met him at the door but the way you looked was very different. You appear thinner and it was quite obvious. Yeonjun tried not to make his reaction obvious but he couldn't help the way his eyes went wide when he laid eyes on you. You frown at him and after some talking, you spill about how you were so angry at yourself for the way you looked that you just kinda stopped eating right. Yeonjun makes it his mission to help you feel better and he helps you get back on track to eating enough like you did before. 

Soobin

This section does mention making yourself vomit so please read with caution!

Soobin is also so good when it comes to comforting others. He gives the best hugs and always knows just what to say to help you feel better. when he finds out you're having trouble with your relationship with food, he is absolutely heartbroken. He hates the idea of you struggling with something that he feels should make you happy. He is always going to do whatever you need him to do so you can recover. 

You and Soobin had been together for a few months now and everything was going really well. You both were very happy with one another and were getting along great. The only problem was that Soobin had no idea about your relationship with you. You would do your best to hide the fact that you were never able to get yourself to keep your food down. It made you feel so disgusted but Soobin had no idea. On this particular night, Soobin had come over to your apartment to eat dinner. You were usually able to run off after dinner under the guise that you needed to use the bathroom. Tonight, however, Soobin had become suspicious when you took longer than usual. He goes over to knock on the door but before he can even do that, he panics when he hears you crying and throwing up. He opens the door immediately and lets himself in. He looks really sad and even helps you clean up when you finally stop. You can;t help but open up to him when you see the pain in his face after watching you do this to yourself. He does his best to understand and help you get better, suggesting you talk to someone about this. He is really supporting you on your recovery journey. 

Beomgyu

This one hits a little close to home 😕

he isn’t super observant about your eating habits but he definitely notices when the snacks start to kind of disappear from the pantry. And it wasn’t just them going like normal, they were going a lot faster than normal. You usually only go out shopping for snacks once a week but have been going every three days lately. It was worrying him. Not so much because he was worried you’d gain weight, not in the slightest. He was worried because he was thinking you were going through something and weren’t wanting to tell him.

When you get home from work one afternoon, you see him in the kitchen at the dinner table. You were so excited to see him since he was usually still at work during this time. He looked worried and he asked you to sit down, so you did. He didn’t beat around the bush and straight up told you about his observations. It made you feel angry at first. Why was he bringing this up? Did you gain weight? Was he calling you fat? But then he explained why he even brought it up and that he just wanted to help. You broke out into tears and told him all about what was going on in your life at the moment and how eating made you feel comfortable. He totally understood and offered to help you work through it in different ways since snacking wasn’t the best idea. You accept his help and it starts to feel better

Taehyun

How dare his pretty girl think she’s ugly? He just can’t fathom why you would starve yourself or even think that you’re not good enough for some reason. He always does his best to combat this by complimenting you as often as he can and making sure he keeps track of whether you’ve eaten or not. He knows it’s a little frustrating for you when he’s constantly asking you if you’ve eaten but it’s just before he cares and he doesn’t want you to get sick. 

in this scenario…it was a few days until your wedding. you had been trying to hide it but you haven’t eaten much over the last week, causing you to feel weak. When the day finally came, you fainted as you were getting your hair done. Everyone in the room with you was panicking and they called taehyun to come help you wake up. He made sure to pick up some snacks from his dressing room and some water for you to drink. He had an itching feeling that you were starving yourself but didn’t want to accuse you of anything. When you wake up, he’s sitting over you with a worried look. “Oh dear. You’re awake. You had us all worried. I think I know why this happened though.” You had a guilty look on your face and he already knew what happened. He convinces you that you need to eat something now so you don’t feel weak on your guy's big day. He’s so proud watching you eat your snack and drink water and he makes his feelings known. 

Huening Kai

He is very caring and sweet and always knows when something is wrong with his girl. He started to worry when it was Wednesday and he hadn't seen you eat or heard about anything you've eaten since Monday night. He knew it was only a day but he was so worried. He didn't want you to go without eating. luckily, he'd planned to hang out with you tonight after schedules! he picks up your favorite meal and drinks for you to eat when he arrives. 

he gets there and knocks. when you open the door you hug him and give him a kiss hello but you kind of start to change in demeanor when you see the bags of food he had. you hadn't let yourself eat in the last two days and the sight of food was just too much for you at the moment. All you could think of when you tried to eat was being laughed at by a group of girls your age who were making comments of your weight when walking down the street. you finally break down and kai follows you, leaving the food at the table. He finally gets you to let him hold you, let him wipe away your tears. you tell him everything and he was so good at just listening. He coaxes you back to the table and even feeds you if it makes you feel more comforted.

[100frogsinatrenchcoat]

Isat fic part threeee there’s actually some comfort in this hurt/comfort now.

Part one is here, part two is here part four here

POV SIFFRIN

Loop’s voice sounds like yours. It didn’t used to, when they were a star, but it does now.

It’s… unnerving, to say the least, to hear someone screaming in your own voice. Although you suppose it was theirs first.

You don’t know what to do. You don’t know how to help. A glance at Isa shows he’s just as lost as you are. Probably more lost, if anything. You’re still not sure exactly how much Isa saw, how much Isa knows.

Loop keeps screaming. A ragged, painful, feral noise that sounds like it must be shredding their throat to ribbons.

Do you comfort them? Stars, what if that makes it worse? You don’t know what to blinding DO, useless useless useless. Loop is scared and angry and crying and SCREAMING and you’re USELESS.

Loop curls in on themself, pulling their hands from yours. They bury their hands in their hair and pull.

Ah! What do you do?! “No, nonono Loop, don’t do that please, you’ll hurt yourself, I- um-” You reach out and take their hands back into yours, pulling them away from their hair.

Loop doesn’t fight you.

Comfort, comfort, how do you help, how do you make it better? Touch? Would touch be good? Or too much? You don’t know. You don’t know, you don’t know, but Loop is still screaming and Isa looks completely out of his depth so- so you may as well try.

One hand still holding both of Loop’s, you run the other hand through their hair. It’s completely darkless the whole way through, there’s none of the dye that yours has.

They shudder at the contact. They don’t stop screaming, but they don’t move away either. You keep going, combing your hand through their hair, brushing tangles out with your fingers, your nails gently scratching against their scalp. You think it would feel nice. You think maybe if you were this scared, it would make you feel better.

Loop’s screaming slowly gives way to sobbing. You don’t know if it’s because they chose to stop screaming, or if their voice just gave out. Even their crying sounds painful. They don’t move, don’t look at you, they just stay, curled up like that, letting you run a hand through their hair.

Isa sits next to you, carefully keeping a good amount of space between himself and Loop.

Neither of you say anything. The forest is quiet, except for Loop’s sobs, and even those eventually give way into just exhausted, hiccuping whines.

“…Loop?” You try, after a while, “is there anything I can do to help?”

They don’t respond.

Isa speaks up. “I don’t think talking to them will work right now. I think they’re… disassociating? Maybe?“

You don’t know that Vaugardian word.

Isa must see it on your face because he clarifies, “like, like they got too upset or scared or something, so their brain just shut off. They’re not asleep or anything, they’re just… not totally here right now.”

Ah! Kind of like when you’d zone out during loops.

“I… I don’t think we should stay out here in the woods. It’ll be cold when the sun goes down.” Isa adds. “You’re craft-exhausted and hurt and, and I think they are too. We should head back to the clocktower. I don’t want you getting sicker.”

You nod, and move to stand. And promptly fall back on the ground.

Oh. Oh. Dizzy. Very very dizzy. Everything hurts. Craft exhaustion. Yeah. Ow.

You breathe in and out, and just focus on not vomiting.

“Oh! Um!” Isa fusses over you, “Sif! Are you okay?”

You give him a thumbs up from your spot on the ground.

“Okay! So! You can’t walk right now. I… don’t think I can carry both of you, and I don’t think Loop wants me to touch them anyway, so… I’m gonna go find Mira or M’dame Odile so they can help!”

“Okay…” you groan, “what… what are you gonna tell them?”

“Uhhh… that… that some weird stuff happened? I don’t know. I don’t even know what happened! So! I guess I’ll just tell them that everyone’s okay, but we need help.”

“…okay.”

“But uh… you’re gonna have to explain whatever… this all is later.”

Stars. Where to even begin. “…yeah. Thank you, Isa.”

“No problem! I’ll be as fast as I can!”

You sit up slowly. Loop still hasn’t moved from where they sit on their knees, curled into a shaking ball. “I don’t think me or Loop will be going anywhere”

“Yeah… I’ll still try to be quick!”

Isa runs off and the forest is silent again, other than Loop’s soft crying.

You go back to running your hands through their hair. You don’t know if it’s helping. You hope it is. You liked when Odile ruffled your hair, and when Mira combed it, so hopefully Loop does too!

A few minutes pass. Loop isn’t exactly crying anymore, but their breaths are quick and unsteady, and they’re shaking worse than you. You can feel their body shuddering under your hands.

You hope they don’t mind the contact. You think it’s…nice. The feeling of your hands in their hair. Warmth from being close to someone. It’s nice.

You would feel awful if they didn’t like it though.

Maybe you should stop. Maybe this isn’t fair. If they can’t talk, maybe you should stop. Yeah. Yeah, you should stop.

Your heart sinks at the loss of contact, but you pull your hands away.

Loop’s shaking breaths turn into a heartbroken whine. Oh. Wrong choice?

They… reach a hand out for you. Barely. They barely move, but their hand reaches out for you.

You take their hand.

So… so contact was good! You were helping! Okay!

You scoot closer, and, feeling a bit better now that you know how to help, you gently pull Loop towards you.

They lean into your touch, and you think if they weren’t so tired, they might start sobbing again.

You feel like you might.

Loop lets you pull them in close, and they rest their head on your chest, curling up against you.

The contact is… a lot. Other than the group hug after, well, everything, you aren’t sure when the last time you had this much contact was. Your body buzzes with it. You think Loop probably feels the same way. They probably haven’t been touched in… stars, maybe the equivalent of years? They probably need this more than you do, and you need it so badly you think you might start sobbing.

Loop does start sobbing. You’re surprised there’s any tears left for them to cry, but there apparently are.

You just hold their shaking form closer, and lean against a nearby tree.

You’re so tired. Stars. You’re so, so tired.

Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to close your eyes. Just for a moment.

[hope-you-brought-kneepads-bitch]

Killing Wanda Pt 3

Summary: You couldn’t figure out what to do, you’d gone from seducing Wanda to basically bullying her and leaving her with a confused Yelena, you couldn’t think straight and just wanted to forget things, why did you have to be attracted to some hot redhead that you had to kill? It really puts a dent into trying to bed hot women and kill people in between.

Words: 3,000 (or so, probably more)

Warnings: 18+ only Minors DNI, sexual innuendos On Carols part because she’s desperate in this (sorry 😬) angst and upset Wanda and confused Y/n

A/n: Oh you thought I forgot about killing Wanda? Never! I’ve re written this about 4 times so that’s why it took so long sorry 😬 I need to post it, it’s good I like it but I keep putting it off but here it is! As usual any mistakes are my own and I’m gonna stop making my chapters so long because honestly I lose track of what I’ve said 😂

Forget what you said about walking in the dark, you hated it, hated the noisy animals, hated the wind in the trees, stupid trees, again you reached your destination at another door, why were you walking so much now? And why was your side hurting??. Oh right you got shot, anyway not the point

You banged on the door waiting for Maria to open it, when she finally did you stormed past the poor woman and fetched some whisky from the liquor cabinet. But before you could drink it it was snatched out of your hands by Natasha “didn’t your mother teach you any manners?”

You scoffed “wouldn’t know Natty never knew my mother, just a man and woman who moulded me into an assassin then made me move in with two Russian women with anger issues”

You tried grabbing the bottle but a pair of hands grabbed you and pulled you down onto the chair making you shout in pain from your side “fuck off Maria why’d you do that??!”

You tried wriggling away but the woman wouldn’t let up “why do you have dried blood all over your shirt?”

She finally let you go and your curled up on your side trying to ease the pain that was returning “didn’t Yelena tell you guys? She normally does”

Nat rolled her eyes giving Maria the bottle to put away and looked back to you “she did tell us, she also sent a text recently saying you told her to take Wanda to the safe house and not to speak to her at all until you got back”

“Oh good I don’t have to recap everything then” Maria returned with a syringe full of something and you jumped up backing off “what’s in there? Are you gonna sedate me? You can’t do that without my permission you know”

Nat wrapped her arm around your neck from behind surprising you and holding you in place while Maria lifted your shirt and injected the area around your wound, after a couple of minutes the pain stopped and you relaxed feeling pain free again

“Feel better?” Natasha relaxed her hold on you and kissed your cheek you didn’t respond so she just dropped you letting you stand on your own

“Yel also texted about Wanda crying her eyes out” you paused sighing and holding your head in your hands “want to explain that?”

“Why do I need to? She’s a target like you said, targets don’t get sympathy” turning around you went to the front room slumping down onto the couch and closing your eyes

Natasha followed close holding her phone reading the text message from Yelena out loud

“Bozhe moy Sestra I don’t know what Y/n said to this girl but she’s crying her eyes out in my car I just got my seats cleaned!

She said Y/n told her the threat for her life wasn’t real and the shooter was planned and that Y/n owns Wanda and she needs to stay at the safe house for her own protection against Y/n because she’s pissed off, silly if you ask me, Y/n was basically writing love letter to the woman”

Natasha rattled off the messages while Maria tried comforting you sitting next to you rubbing your shoulders “come on bunny tell your mommy what’s wrong, daddy and I are here to listen”

You held back the vomit in your throat when you lifted your head glaring at the woman “never and I mean never speak like that again, I don’t like your sweet and soft innocent act it’s so fucking strange”

She laughed “yeah sure okay, I was just trying to make you smile, so tell us why you’ve done a complete 180 about this woman”

You sat up sighing “I’d gotten shot, but the position the shooter was in and where they shot from it should’ve been for Wanda, if she was standing it would’ve gone straight through her forehead, Maria it was for Wanda and I know it’s from the people who want her dead and I’m taking too long, that’s why I switched up on her and I needed her to think I was lying about the whole thing so it didn’t stress her out more”

“Okay” Maria said holding your hands “I need to tell you that with all the love in the world you’re an absolute idiot”

Natasha laughed out loud and covered her mouth holding in anymore laughs while you blushed in embarrassment “what? Why am I an idiot??”

“You scared the poor woman, plus according to those text messages you also threatened her pretty harshly apparently”

You scoffed jumping up from the couch and barging into Nat who wouldn’t let you past “I don’t think so Y/n”

You pushed back against her “what the hell do you care?! You pushed a knife into her throat nearly killing her!”

You jabbed her in the chest with your finger and Nat grabbed it bending it back making you yell out “yes I did I also had you behind me with a pistol in the back of my head and you were so close to pulling the trigger I felt it, I felt all the emotion you had holding the gun, so don’t you dare try and tell us you don’t care about Wanda”

She let go of your finger watching you hold it gently and bending it back into place “so? Are you gonna say anything?”

“I’m going to get drunk, you two are boring”

You pushed past the woman ignoring Maria trying to shout for you and took off into the city “I swear to god I need better friends”

*********************************************************

“Lady Y/n! Here to waste your life away again?” The man behind the bar called Thor hadn’t seen you for weeks and obviously he missed you “yeah whatever hi Thor, give me my usual”

“Of course! Anything for my favourite murderer!” He was so much larger than life with no indoor voice “Thor! Will you shut the fuck up about things like that, you’re gonna get me jailed”

You slid onto a bar stool at the end of the bar accepting the whiskey given to you, how cliche of you, a depressed assassin drinking whisky in a dingy bar “don’t look now Y/n but your fling just walked into the bar” the man gestured behind you but you didn’t even need to turn around to know who it was, her strong frilly perfume invaded your nose well before she entered to bar

“Hey kitten” she hovered over you from behind purring into your ear her greeting “I’ve missed you, my toys don’t satisfy me like you do, how about you come home with me” you shrugged the woman off and turned around in the chair “Sharon you’re so desperate it’s embarrassing, no I don’t want to fuck you, you’ve probably slept with everything that has a pulse like the whore you are, so fuck off and leave me alone”

You knew she didn’t listen, she likes being degraded, a bit deranged actually if you thought about it

“You’re so hot when you’re angry, I’ve missed it” she started kissing your neck and wrapping her arms around your waist as you finished off your whiskey trying to ignore her kisses getting heavier “you’re like a damn dog in heat it’s so embarrassing”

“Come on baby please? I’ll do whatever you I’ve just missed your body so much, you’re the only one who uses knives too”

“I use knives because it shuts you up and lets me finish without your annoying voice”

“I promise I won’t say a word, you can tape my mouth shut for all I care I promise I won’t make a sound”

You rolled your eyes glancing up at Thor looking disappointed in Sharon’s desperation and that made you laugh actually “fine Sharon, I’ve had a rough day though so you better keep your promise about keeping shut”

You stood up from the bar stool but Sharon gave you no chance for much else when she jumped into your arms wrapping her legs and arms around you kissing your face all over “I promise I promise I’ll be quiet, I’ll even ask permission to cum because I know you like that”

You groaned holding onto the woman so she didn’t fall and made your way out of the bar throwing Thor money for the drink “enjoy your night lady Y/n!”

******************************************************

Wanda hadn’t said much since she and Yelena arrived at the safe house, she only thanked Yelena for the dinner of macaroni and cheese then sat on the couch just staring at the wall, sometimes she would cry for a while then go quiet and Yelena wasn’t too sure of what to do

“Hey Wanda, did you know the human body is mostly water? That’s cool right?”

Wanda shrugged “maybe if I keep crying then I’ll eventually run out of water and die”

Yelena was shocked, that was a little dramatic, even for an assassin to hear, at least she was talking though that was something she guessed “sure sure that’s something to say I guess, soooo what-

“Is there someone after me?” She cut Yelena off which she thought was very rude but she guessed after everything she’d been through she’d give Wanda some leeway

“Why do you ask?”

“Just tell me?” She simply asked

“Whatever Y/n told you is the truth, she says she lied then she lied obviously, I don’t know anything” her reply was cold but she didn’t want to give away much and cause trouble

“Cut the bullshit Yelena you tell me the truth right now!” Yelena opened and closed her mouth a couple of times trying to rack her brain for something to say when a shot rang out and she found herself clutching her shoulder “I hate being shot at!” She jumped behind a wall and watched for Wanda who didn’t move

“Are you stupid Wanda?! Get down!” She tried reaching out for the woman to pull her down but Wanda just moved closer to where the bullets were coming from “what’s the point Yelena? If the threats fake they won’t hit me and if they’re real they will, either way I’ll find out the truth!”

Yelena couldn’t believe it, what the fuck was going on?? God she’s gonna have to save the suicidal idiot

“Fine!” Yelena jumped back up earning another shot in her side to push Wanda behind the couch hiding them both unfortunately she wasn’t as quick as she thought hearing Wanda yell out as she tackled her to the floor

“Did they get you in the arm?” Wanda nodded “yeah but I’m okay”

Yelena rolled her eyes “you won’t be if you keep ignoring me, now stay down or I swear to satan himself I’ll kill you slowly and painfully”

Wanda nodded keeping her mouth shut and closing her eyes to wait out the shots firing through the house.

*********************************************************

“That was amazing, you’re so good” Sharon’s mumbling went unanswered as you put your clothes back and picked up your things to leave, but you weren’t a man so you did go back to Sharon and kissed her softly, tucking her into bed and getting her a glass of water “well done for being quiet, sleep well princess” you left with a final kiss to her lips, she’s good to be around when she doesn’t talk much

You left the house locking the door with the spare key and posted it back through the letterbox, you fished your phone from your pocket seeing missed calls and messages from Yelena

“Y/n I swear to whatever god is out there answer your damn phone, where r u??????”

“She’s feisty, she wants to see you and not in good way either!! She is mad at you for lying!”

“How does she know ur lying you ask?? She’s been shot at again and hit in the shoulder! Nat here now and cussing you out so get here!?!?!!”

You couldn’t finish reading instead running straight to the safe house, getting there you saw the doors open and Maria coming out with blooded bandages and your heart sank “Wanda?” You were out of breath and tired but you wouldn’t be able to take it if all that blood was hers

Maria saw your panicked face “no Y/n it’s okay she’s fine, this is mostly Yelena’s, her shoulder and side took a beating”

You hoped she was okay but you were so relieved Wanda wasn’t the most injured, you ran into the house seeing Nat attending to Yelena and Wanda in the other corner drinking a glass of water “Wanda, Wanda are you okay?? Is your arm okay??

Wanda didn’t look at you instead just looked straight on “you lied to me” she whispered

“What?”

“You lied to me Y/n” her voice didn’t waver “all you’ve done is lie, convincing me that there’s no one after me then Yelena gets shot in the shoulder, someone is out to get me and I don’t know why you tried to gaslight me and scare me like that”

You accepted what was happening and moved in front of Wanda making sure she looked at you “Wanda I’m sorry these last 24 hours have been very difficult, I just didn’t want the shooter to actually get you, he would’ve done Wanda if I wasn’t there”

“Doesn’t explain it Y/n we’ve never had a good relationship but I seriously can’t do this anymore, I’m going to the police and getting them to figure out who’s after me” she stood up removing the towel from her shoulders and walking off not bothering to look at you

Maria slapped you on the shoulder “go after her! If she goes to the police they’ll get you too, I’m pretty sure an assassin doesn’t get caught”

You weren’t even thinking about the police finding you, you just couldn’t believe you were losing Wanda “oh shit!” You ran after the woman leaving Maria to laugh “she’s an idiot”

*****************************************************

“Wanda! Wanda wait!” You yelled after the woman in the streets like a creep, god if someone were to come up and punch you in the face for following someone at night you wouldn’t blame them honestly

“Wanda come on please!” She finally stopped and you nearly crashed into her but steadied yourself “what do you want?”

You took in a breath, god why were you out of breath? Maybe the hole in your side but you couldn’t be sure of course “you can’t go to the police”

“Oh yeah? Why not? Nervous that you won’t get your payment for killing me?” You were gobsmacked, you didn’t want to kill her that was the whole point! You’ve literally been trying to prevent that this whole time!

“Wanda if you go to the police and they start digging around they’ll find me and then I’ll get thrown in jail or given the electric chair” you took a hold of her hands and kissed them in your own “please let me take you somewhere away from here, I’ll keep you safe”

Wanda snatched her hands away and you knew you’d said something bad and instantly regretted it “keep me safe? You made me fear for my life! Both when you told me you’d been paid to kill me and when you claimed me as your own like a predator and their prey!”

You noticed a couple of people gathering near you guys and you just smiled at them “it’s okay everyone she’s a little drunk that’s all I promise we’re okay” you offered people your fakest smile and some accepted while others stayed watching

“Come on Wanda we’ll need to go home now okay?” You subtly grabbed Wanda and brought her into a hug kissing her forehead “she’s a lightweight” you laughed off dragging her away forcing a kiss to keep her quiet

When you both got further enough away your grip loosened on Wanda and she was quick to push you away and walk in front of you “Wanda I need you to listen”

“Get fucked Y/n”

“By you? Absolutely! But it’s not the time please just listen to me”

Wanda stomped to a stop and turned around crossing her arms at you “what”

You sighed “I’m sorry I lied we’ve been through this I know, it’s a stupid fucking excuse but I was trying to protect you and you know if you don’t want to talk to me? Fine! But you need to go to our bosses safe house its safer than Fort Knox”

Wanda didn’t move, didn’t even look or acknowledge you in any way so you dug around in your pocket for your bosses business cards and held out your hand for her to take the card “take it” she didn’t move

“Fucking take it Wanda and I’ll turn around right now and never see you again, just take it”

She gently reached her hand out and took the card carefully not to take your hand with it

“Good, goodbye Wanda” you turned around on your heel and walked off in the opposite direction, you did hear a weak attempt at your name but you refused to turn and kept walking, you’d go to the people who wanted her dead by your hands and use your hands to kill them, they’d regret the day they asked for your help.

[enhaheeseung]

Come back to me - L. HS

Pairing: heeseung X fem reader!

Warnings: angst-ish

WC: 1,168k

Part 8 Sorry for the short chap. The next one will be longer with a lil angst and jealousy👀

Masterlist

“Hey, y/n, I know it’s really early, and you’re probably asleep, but I just wanted to know if you’re okay with me coming over tonight? Maybe we could talk over dinner or watch a movie like we used to just to catch up and talk some things over. I get out of work early, so just let me know!!”

He sent you that message hours ago, and still no reply. Even when he was packing up to leave work, there still wasn’t any word from you, which soured his mood for the whole entire day, needless to say.

He sighed, doing his same boring routine, turning off the little lamp on his desk, getting ready to go home, and just waiting for this day to be over cause nothing good came out of it. You haven’t communicated with him in the past couple of days. His meetings all went like shit cause he could barely comprehend what was going on cause he couldn’t focus on anything but you. All in all, it’s just been rough. He’d seen better days, but at least there was a comfy bed waiting for him at home.

“Early leave?” Jake rounds the corner, nearly running into Heeseung.

“Hmm mm,” he hums softly. The tone of his hum was enough to tell that he was just tired and completely exhausted, and if that wasn’t evidence enough, the eye bags made it obvious.

“You good?” Heeseung nods. “Okay,” Jake gave him a small pat on the shoulder. “Just know I’m available if you need me and Jay too. He can be a dick sometimes, but he’s worried about you even if he’s too prideful to say it,” Jake chuckles, making Heeseung’s lips curve into the smallest smile.

“Thanks, Jake. I’ll keep that in mind. Take it easy tonight, yeah? I’ll see you next week.”

“See you next week,” Jake says, giving a final salute as Heeseung leaves for the day.

-

You were pacing for what felt like hours ever since you received that text from your husband or ex-husband. At this point, you’re not really sure what the two of you are, but that’s beside the point cause you were literally on the verge of crying, ripping out your hair out, and vomiting.

Okay, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, but Lee freaking heeseung the man you’re still so deeply in love with us asking you to have dinner with him. How could you stay calm knowing he wanted to see you and talk with you?

You’d be lying if you said seeing his text first thing in the morning didn’t make you smile and light up like a Christmas tree.

You were like seconds away from saying yes, yes, and yes, but before you could, you had to rationalize this in your head because wouldn’t that be letting him back in too easily? What if he tried to sweet-talk his way back in? You’re not sure if you were strong enough to say no, especially to his face.

Ugh.

You sighed, feeling a headache coming on. You just decided to ultimately ignore his text cause if he was really serious about you, then he’d be persistent. Saying no to him one time shouldn’t be enough for him to give up on you, and if he did, that would be a sign that he probably didn’t want you back anyways.

Except you wanted to see him so bad, being away from him was hard enough, especially at night. You just wanted to hold him, talk to him, spend time with him, but all that would have to wait until he proves himself and proves to you that he’s truly sorry. You just wish time would go by sooner cause every day without him felt like a month.

-

Even past midnight, heeseung was waiting on a message from you, a message that never came.

He sighed in frustration but reminded himself to stay level-headed about the situation, even if it was upsetting and, hurtful and confusing. He had to suck it up. He’s put you through so much worse, and the pain he’s going through right now is well deserved.

So he just continued on his journey to reclaim his spot in your heart, trying his best to focus on the positive even though there were many more negatives.

“Hey, y/n, I’m sure you’re probably sleeping now. Sorry for always bothering you when you’re asleep :( I just wanted to say I hope you had a good day today. I've been thinking of you all day, Couldn’t even get any work done cause I miss you so much anyways. I’ll leave you alone now. Have a good night, y/n. Hope to hear from you soon!”

You nearly jumped from your spot on your bed when you heard your phone go off. You had been thinking about Heeseung so much you couldn’t even get any sleep cause he was on your mind all day and night, even past midnight, and you were still only thinking of him and what he was doing.

You quickly grabbed and snatched up your phone, hoping it was him. As soon as you saw that it was, you squealed, and you probably woke up Sunghoon in the process, but it was for a good reason.

Your heart warmed immediately when you read his text. He was so sweet and thoughtful, and again, you just wanted to hop out of bed, drive back home, and sleep in his arms all night long, but you refrained from doing so, but you couldn’t not reply to his text this time he was obviously putting in the effort, and you didn’t want to seem like you just weren’t receptive of his gestures.

“Goodnight, heeseung,” you typed out and left it at heeseung and not hee cause you didn’t want him to think things were how they used to be or even close he’d have to earn that nickname back.

When heeseung saw your little typing dots, his heart nearly pumped out of his chest.

But first of all, why were you up so late? He frowned. You should be asleep getting your beauty rest.

Although he couldn’t complain when he saw your text, he literally kicked his feet while grinning at the screen like a love-struck fool.

He hearted your message right away. The text itself wasn’t big, but the fact you even bothered replying was enough for him. It gave him hope that there was still a little spark that he could ignite into a flame.

“Just give it time, heeseung, give it time,” he murmured, shutting off his phone, the smile never leaving his face when his head hit his pillow, and for the first time in a long time, he felt like he could finally rest peacefully.

You were wide awake, on the other hand, mind flooded with nothing but heeseung, and you’d definitely be in contact with him tomorrow cause you couldn’t go any longer without seeing him.

Thanks for reading likes comments and reblogs are always appreciated sorry for any typos or errors I hope you all have a good day/night♥️

Permanent taglist:®• @nyxtwixx @iamliacamila @ramenoil @mimisamisasa @scarlet127

Come back to me taglist @mimikittysblog @woahsehun

[chimcess]

Waterlog || pjm (3) (teaser)

Pairing: Jimin x Reader Other tags: Olympic Swimmer!Jimin, Ex Olympic Swimmer! Reader, Swim Coach!Reader Genre: Strangers to Friends to Lovers!AU, Coach!AU, Swimming!AU, HEAVY Angst, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, fluff, eventual smut, I'm so soft for these two it's crazy. Teaser wc: 391 Synopsis: After a car accident ends her athletic career, Y/N has slowly started rebuilding her life again as a high school swim coach. That’s until she gets a request from an old friend and finds herself back in the spotlight as the new coach of Olympic swimmer, Park Jimin. Warnings: toxic relationship (not reader and jimin), arguments, cheating (not reader and jimin), talks about previous child abuse, anxiety attack, strong language, crying, emotional abuse (not reader and jimin), mentions of depression and mental health, lots of angst in this one, finally making some progress though, age insecurity, mutual pining, lots of side character development in this one, they really are so sweet together, jimin just being the nicest boy in the world, so much PDA, physical touch is his love language 👀👀👀, more in the official posting...

Release date: April 6th, 2024 at 6pm EST

masterlist || playlist

Jimin and I said our goodbyes and I promised the blue haired boy I would call him in the morning to set up another meet up. He called it a group date, something neither Jimin nor I disagreed with, but it did make me feel queasy. Depending on how our conversation goes, we may never spend time together outside of training. I felt like I was going to vomit.

“Let me drive?” Jimin murmured as we parted ways with the couple. 

I nodded, digging in my purse to find them. “Mind reader, I swear. Get out of my head, kid.”

He snickered, “Who says you weren’t in mine, granny”

The queasiness dissipated and I felt like I could breathe a little bit easier now. Being alone with Jimin had never felt this nerve wracking before, not even the first time we met, and it was hard to explain all of the thoughts and feelings going through my head. We were finally having the talk, but I had never imagined it going this way. Handing him the keys, I elbowed him in the ribs.

“Whoops,” I mocked. “You know me and my bad eyesight, kiddo.”

“Watch it,” He hissed, rubbing the spot. “Don’t want you breaking anything. You know you have frail bones.”

I laughed, “Don’t make me give you a knuckle sandwich, punk.”

Sliding into the passenger seat felt less daunting after the light hearted exchange. Still, my blood was pumping as Jimin clicked his seatbelt in place. I had no idea when the conversation would shift into murkier waters, but I needed to start thinking about what to say to him. 

Denying my feelings would only make things worse, and I did not think the younger man would believe me. In fact, he would be offended that I thought he was dumb enough to get bamboozled in the first place. Lying did not seem like the right call anyway. My feelings were not something to feel ashamed about, but they were very frightening. 

“When is later?”

I gasped, startled out of my thoughts. We had been driving for over ten minutes already. Time seemed to slip by when I was lost in my own head. Jimin apologized for scaring me but repeated the question once I reassured him that I was fine.

“Now,” I mumbled. “I guess later is now.”

Taglist: @ownthesunshine @screamertannie @lovelytaes-blog @pernesianparapio @tae-with-some-suga @sumzysworld @chimmisbae

Let me know if you want to be added/deleted from the taglist. -Lex

[asher-agere]

Babble Time!

This shall be angsty and not happy. Mix of PJSK and BSD? My thoughts aren’t organized, but I wanna share thoughts on the little babies. Regression isn’t always pretty :(

Trigger warnings for self harm, suicide attempts, eating disorders (BSD fans can you tell this will include Dazai?). I get detailed sometimes, don’t read if this might make you uncomfy!

₊ ⊹ We’ll start with Dazai. Dazai after a suicide attempt. He knows he did something super bad. That’s why everything hurts. He knows there’s way too much blood, he knows he shouldn’t have consumed poison. But it never works anyway right? He feels so small… What’s he supposed to do? He should stop the bleeding… But how does he do that? His movements aren’t coordinated and moving hurts. He’ll just lay there until he passes out. Someone will find him before he dies. They always do

₊ ⊹ Dazai staying in his big headspace while he’s hurting himself. But once the bandages are on and it’s out of sight baby brain takes over. Everything feels itchy but if he scratches it bleeds, and blood is scary… It’s out of sight but not out of mind. He starts scratching and notices the blood, so he tried hugging a plushy! Keeps his hands busy… No scratches! But the blood is still there… And now staining the plushy! The poor baby can only cry harder, throwing his comfort away from him. Terrified of ruining it

₊ ⊹ Baby Dazai who’s really really hungry. He hasn’t eaten in a long long time… And he isn’t against it like he usually is! So he’s super responsible and he eats, maybe some nice crab… But his tummy doesn’t like that. A baby can’t regulate food. To much to soon. He’s crying and sobbing as the food comes back up. The vomit is gross and makes his throat burn. But how does he clean it up? He can’t think what to do, he can just cry. It starts smelling so awful and it just makes him cry harder. Such a baby he can’t even stand up

۶ৎ Baby Mizuki. She feels so gross in her boyish body… She’s disgusting. She’ll call her caregivers, she’d not trying to isolate herself! But the idea of someone seeing her in person? She feels so gross! She’ll put on a pretty dress but her flat chest looks so wrong… She can’t even babble to her caregivers. Her voice is too deep. That’s not a girls voice. Why doesn’t she have a girls voice?

𝄞⨾𓍢ִ໋ Baby Mafuyu, finally happy thanks to her friends! She has some cute little gear they bought her! But… Her Mama always goes through her room. One day the baby comes home from school and Mama seems mad… So she hides in her room. Maybe she can regress and be nice… But her paci is gone. Mama must’ve taken it. So why didn’t she say anything? She’ll wait days. Mama says nothing. It fills the baby with awful gut wrenching anxiety. She can’t eat, can’t sleep, can barely focus on school. What if it’s her fault? What if she just lost it somewhere? She can’t exactly just ask Mama… So she just suffers

⛦ Chuuya as a baby. So absolutely completely convinced he isn’t human. He can’t be. That means he can’t regress! That’s something for humans. He isn’t programmed to do that. It must be a virus… So he pushes it off. For weeks even. He can’t think. Can’t do anything right. A proper human would be fine. It must be because he isn’t human… It’s the only explanation. There’s no proof he is human. He destroyed that. It’s his fault he doesn’t know. He’ll never know. Poor baby, just sits in his room staring at the wall. He wants his plushy… But he doesn’t deserve that. He can’t call anyone. Doesn’t deserve that either

Idk where I’m going with this- I just don’t see enough about the bad side of regression. And I need to see more representing it. Remember, if you’ve been through anything even slightly similar to any of this? You’re still valid! Everyone have a wonderful amazing day!

[idontplaytrack]

✧ Mama Bear

Olivia Benson x teen daughter reader + younger brother Noah (ft. Amanda & Fin)

Warnings: fluff, slight descriptions of vomiting

In which, reader falls sick for the first time in a long time, driving Olivia into full on mama bear mode while having to juggle work and also making sure that Noah was taken care of

Olivia was making breakfast when she heard your usual morning alarm clock go off. However, when you didn’t turn it off like you usually would, she initially thought you just wanted to laze in bed for a little bit. Still ten minutes go by, you didn’t walk out and your alarm went off again. That caused alarms to go off in her head. Olivia turned the stove off and walked up to your room, knocking on the door.

“y/n, time to wake up, honey.” She opens the door after that, surprised to see your curtains closed and the blanket basically covering your head completely.

“No.” You mumbled into your pillow.

You never did this. “Honey, what’s wrong?” Her immediate reaction was honestly to worry, but she didn’t show it. Obviously. But it’s not like you could see her face.

“My head hurts so bad, Mom.” You croaked.

Now, the panic really set in. She hasn’t heard you admit you weren’t feeling well in at least 3 years. It was always an occasional cold or headache that you got, but this time around? You were really beaten down.

“Is sissy okay, mama?” Noah asked, Olivia turned her head to see him standing in your doorway.

“She’ll be okay, she’s just not feeling too good this morning. Give me a minute and I’ll bring you breakfast, okay, honey?”

“Okay.” The boy agreed quickly and left you and Olivia alone again.

“Baby, can you sit up for me please?” She requested, her hand rubbing your back comfortingly, “Is it just your head that hurts?”

“I don’t know.” You managed to tell her, your lower lip quivering, signalling to her that you were about to cry. Something she’s always knew about you- you cry easily when you’re ill. “My ears? I can’t- I can’t really hear that well on one side.”

“Oh, I think you have an ear infection, sweetheart.” Olivia realised, “Just- stay here and give me a minute to get Noah sorted.”

Olivia rushed back outside to give Noah his breakfast of pancakes and scrambled eggs then grabbed her phone to text Lucy to come over and keep an eye on Noah, then she texts Fin to tell him that she won’t be at work that morning, explaining why as well. He didn’t even need an explanation.

————

The doctor confirms Olivia’s suspicions of an ear infection. A double ear infection, an after effect of a cold which caused there to be fluid buildup in your inner ears and a bit of hearing loss — which thankfully, will resolve once the prescribed antibiotics kick in and run its full course. The doctor also gave you three days off of school in order to recuperate. But let’s face it, even if she didn’t, you would’ve stayed home anyway- even normal talking had you flinching. You couldn’t imagine spending a whole day in school feeling like this. Your head also felt like it was going to explode if people kept talking to you. It even hurt to open your mouth- so eating was the least of your worries currently. Finally, after a noisy drive, you were back home. Once the front door opened, Noah tackled you with a hug. “Hi, bubby.”

“Sorry you’re not feeling good.”

“Thanks, bub.” You ran a hand through his hair.

“y/n, go to your room and I’ll bring you a little something to eat before you take your meds, hm?”

“Okay.” You quietly agreed and walked into your room.

“So, what’d the doctor say?” Asked Lucy.

“Double ear infection, bit of a hearing loss in one ear but it’ll go away once the meds take effect.”

“That’s good. Do you want me to just keep an eye on her too so you can go to work? I know how much you hate missing work.”

Olivia chuckles, “Ah, I think a bit of time off would do me some good. I already told my squad I won’t be going in today.”

Lucy nodded.

“Yeah, so you can go if you want.” Olivia says.

“No, it’s okay. My day’s free. It’ll probably be better if I stay for a little longer, at least. Seeing that you probably need to take care of y/n.”

“Thank you.” Olivia smiled lightly, proceeding to go boil some water in the electric kettle in order to make you some oatmeal. She slathers a couple tablespoons of peanut butter onto the top of the oatmeal before bringing it to you on a tray, along with a cup of water.

The worst symptom was the unpredictable, sudden stabbing pains that you’d get that will literally bring tears to your eyes. “Okay, I need the painkillers.” You told your mother decisively.

“I’ll bring it for you now. But here’s some oatmeal so the meds won’t hurt your stomach, okay?”

“Thanks, Mom.”

Flashing you a smile, she leaves the room to retrieve your medications from the dining table. You fought through the ache and ate a few spoonful of the goop, though you actually really liked it…despite how unpleasant it may look. Your Mom knew exactly what you liked to eat and how you liked it.

“Here, take this for the pain and fever first. Eat a bit more oatmeal then take one of these antibiotics pills, okay?” She took them out for you, then she just sits there with you. You nodded wordlessly and just did as she told you to.

“Take the antibiotic pill with the oatmeal, honey.” She suggested- no, reminded you. “I know it’s hard for you to do it, but please?”

You whined.

“You need to take it, baby.” She cups your cheek, stroking it with her thumb, “Otherwise the pain will just get worse and we don’t want that.”

You held your breath and put the pill in your mouth, swiftly chasing it with a spoonful of oatmeal. You swallowed the whole mouthful before the chalky medicine could dissolve too much.

“That’s my girl.” Olivia smiled of relief, “Okay, you still want the oatmeal?”

“No, thanks.”

“Alright, I’ll take of that. You get some rest.”

————

When evening comes around, you were still asleep. You fell asleep a good four hours ago and only got woken up when you heard a new voice. Wait- it was one you recognised. Fin’s

“She’s in her room. Asleep.” You heard your Mom tell him.

“It’s okay, I just wanted to drop this off. Got her a little something to cheer her up.”

You groggily sat up in your bed then stood up, dragging yourself on your feet to the bathroom. Randomly shivering, now that you were away from the warmth of your sheets and blanket. You hurriedly washed your face with the cleanser to rid it of the greasy feeling. When you made your way out to the living room, he was still there, playing with Noah.

“Oh, you’re up.” Olivia realises.

“Yup.” You forced a smile.

“Hey.” Fin greeted you.

“Hi Fin. Thanks for the uh…thing you got me.” You said.

“No problem. It’s just a little something.” He shrugs.

“Mom, where- where’s my water bottle? I can’t find it. I thought I had it in my room.”

“Ah, I just washed and refilled it for you. It’s in the fridge.” Olivia recalls. While you drank some of that cold water to hydrate, Fin was chatting with your Mom- Telling her she didn’t have to worry about work. But you all knew her and knew that as much as she was a loving mother, she also loved her job and would be working all day if life allowed her to.

“Just go back to work tomorrow.” You pretty sure you slurred.

The adults glanced at you, slightly amused. “You heard her.” Fin says.

“Are you sure?” Oliva asks.

“I’ll just be clingy tonight, then I’m pretty sure I’ll feel a bit better tomorrow- better enough to not be clingy.” You shrugged, sitting at the table, gripping onto your cold, olive coloured Nalgene with both hands. Noah laughs. You did too.

Your gaze falls on the box of chocolate on the table in front of you. Your fingers reached out to peel off the clear plastic wrap. “Ooh, can I have one? Please, sissy?”

“Sure, Noah.” You cleared your throat, chuckling. “Here, pick one.”

“Yay!” He cheered, jumping off the couch and running over to you to take a look at the selection.

“Fin, you really shouldn’t have.” Olivia says.

“Can’t stop me. Or Carisi and Rollins who are on their way with dinner.” He shrugs.

“Oh, my God.” Liv inhales. “You can’t be serious.”

“Do I look like I wanna mess with you right now?” He squinted, “Look, I got one grandkid, the squad’s kids are like my own, too. Just let me spoil ‘em once in awhile.”

“Once in awhile? You get her a box of chocolates and some chips every month.”

Fin laughs, “We all need a little treat.”

As if on cue, there was a string of knocks on the door, making you jump and seethe in pain. Noah looks at you worriedly for a moment. “I’m okay, bubs. Just my ears being a little sore.”

He nodded, quickly more interested in the box of chocolates once again. Liv got up to answer the door, giving you a squeeze on the shoulder when she walked by you.

“Sorry, I should’ve given them the heads up to not knock.” Fin said.

“It’s- it’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

————

Unexpectedly, your stomach felt heavy after dinner. Like it just did not feel right. But, everyone else seemed right as rain. You deduced that it must’ve been a side effect of the antibiotics. By then, Fin and Carisi had left, Noah was sitting with Olivia and Amanda when you got up from your seat on the couch, leaving Amanda alone chatting with your Mom. You quietly retreated to your bedroom, and sat on your bed, wishing for the sickening feeling to pass.

You hear the creaking of your door, causing you to look up. Amanda leans on the doorframe asking if you were okay. “Uh, not really?”

“Do you need me to get your mom?”

“I don’t- think so. Just the antibiotics making me feel a little, ugh.” You took in a sharp breath, then a sip of water- slowly. “Oh, God.” You jerked, scrambling to your bathroom. A very worried Amanda trails after you. The little bit of food you had for dinner spills out from your mouth, leaving an extremely uncomfortable burning sensation in your throat. You felt a hand on your back, and the blonde’s voice assuring you at you were okay. Seconds later, another voice- your Mom’s.

“She’s alright. The antibiotics upset her stomach.” Amanda says. “You ready to get back into bed?”

You nodded, “I want to- uh, rinse my mouth.”

“Okay, easy, easy. You got it.” Amanda held onto you while you hear your Mom fluffing your pillows then she leaves, and returns. You hear the sound of a plastic trash can hit your floor.

Amanda helps you back into bed, your Mom pulls the blanket up to cover you properly. “Thanks.” You smiled, now feeling a tad embarrassed about what’d just happened.

“Don’t mention it,” The blonde smiled, “Feel better soon, hun. I’m gonna get goin’, Liv. I’ll see you back at work soon,”

“Alright. Good night, Amanda.”

You watched her leave, then your gaze pans over to your Mom. “Don’t worry about me. I’m fine- go back to work tomorrow.”

“Okay, okay.” Olivia agrees, “I’m gonna leave your door open, so if anything- I can probably hear you better, alright?”

“Alright.” You shrugged.

She presses a kiss to the crown of your head,“Good night, sweet girl.”