#anyway enough rambling i just needed to get it out because im so hyper | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

khaleesiofalicante · 3 years ago

Note

I really said fuck classes who needs notes anyway (i do I have 5 tests in the next two weeks)

before I post my live blog here, I feel like people really underestimate how bad rumors are and how much they fuck with your mental health. they don't lose sleep over them, they don't think twice. but these things are harmful as fuck. they leave wounds that take so long to recover from because you keep on thinking about these lies who to others are "just words"

I've been there. it's not fun. I wish I had the courage back then to stand up to those rumors which I have now. these things never leave you. others might move on but the healing process is a journey that is long and hard. I wish more people understood just what effect their words can have.

Yeah, he knew a thing or two about family members going overboard with glitter.

IT'S RAFAEL CENTRIC GHSYGUJDUYDFUIKFDUIDFIUDF

TAVVY

DCSUIHDCSUIDUYUDICUIVSDUIHFVSUILFBUHKIFSV

I feel like I keyboard smash A LOT

“You will never drink even if you are not riding the bike,” Dad had pointed out – all Consul Voice and threatening glares. “The legal age for drinking in New York is 21.”

“But it’s 15 in Idris!”

“Well unfortunately for you, we are in Exile,” dad had grinned.

DAD ALEC UHIKSFDUIHKSGUIKSDVUIHKDVUHIKSVD

Max had a habit of ‘borrowing’ things and selling them on eBay. In his brother’s defense, Bapak had so many clothes that he never noticed when things disappeared. But Rafael did since he had a habit of wearing his father’s clothes.

The warlock – not the shadowhunter.

He wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those sweaters.

Now that Rafael was 18, he was almost as tall as his father.

The shadowhunter – not the warlock.

I AM SCREAMING

I love how he's clarifying which one he's talking about

“Do you know I used to have a crush on Lily Chen?” Tavvy blushed. “But then I found out she made out with Helen once and it kinda got weird.”

Ah yes. I remember. Does Rafael know that Alec also walked in on them?

ARCHITECT TAVVY

SDHDVUHDFSV,YDSFVUYVSFFUSVFUVFS

SHADOWUNTERS ATTENDING MUNDANE COLLEGES

“Dude, college kids don’t give a shit,” Tavvy laughed. “You could walk into a lecture covered in runes, holding a seraph blade and they wouldn’t give you a second look.”

“Cause they are chill?”

“Yes. But mostly cause they are dead inside,” Tavvy chuckled.

Surprisingly that's exactly what my grade 6 prefect told me (DAMN WHY AM I ALWAYS REMEMBERING GRADE 6 IT'S BEEN YEARS. that was a horrible year *shudders*)

ANJALI IS A CENTURION

LMAO THIS IS WHAT RAFAEL MEANT WHEN HE SAID HE WOULDNT WANT TO GO TO THE SCHOLOMANCE FOR PERSONAL REASONS

I still ship them.

“The meeting is going to go perfe-What is SHE doing here?”

Well, that was a quick change-

Unlike Aunt Maia, Lily did not like to be called Aunt Lily. So, Rafael respected her wishes. Max of course continued to call her Aunt Lily and sometimes Abeula Lily since his brother had a pathological condition of pissing people off.

THAT'S SO MAX OMG JHSXUHSCUHISDHUHUKIDVS

great now I miss Raphael

I HAVE A CLASS IN 7 MINUTES STOP MAKING ME CRY

that is so thoughtful of him though...

tears.

“There are no photos of Raphael,” Lily sighed.

“Because he is a vampire?” Tavvy asked sympathetically.

“Because he is Raphael,” she grinned. “Vampires can most certainly take photos. You should follow me on Instagram. My handle is simp_for_carstairs.”

Of course, it is. No one is surprised.

Tavvy picked one up, took a large bite and it threw it back immediately. “Holy shit, that’s spicy!”

“White,” Lily and Anjali snorted at the same time.

white people and their bland foods smh

“She is not wrong,” Lily nodded seriously. “I’m a Jem Carstairs fan first and a vampire second.”

As she should be

UHDSUHDFSUHFDH ANJALI AND RAFAEL COMPETING ABOUT WHO'S LILY'S FAVORITE

He observed Anjali’s long dark hair spilled over her shoulders as her eyes stayed on Lily – sharp, protective and beautiful.

"Beautiful"

I AM NOT LETTING THIS GO

I'm THE DAMN CAPTAIN OF THIS SHIP

FUCKING RUMORS

I'm GONNA KILL SOMEONE

“Shadowhunters are awful gossips,” Anjali said. “Let’s not waste our time with this nonsense.”

There was something in her voice. Something he couldn’t put his finger on.

No, wait I want to know what was in her voice.

But no. It couldn’t be. They weren’t dating.

YET

Rafael was sure there was something more than friendship between them. But David was polite to a fault and Max was an oblivious little shit. So, obviously nothing had happened yet.

OH MY GOD THESE TWO

But this was different. He would tolerate rumours about himself. But he would not tolerate rumours about his family.

I and Rafael will beat up the people who spread these rumors together :D

“She once told me she likes sipping tea more than drinking blood.

I-

same.

NOT THAT I DRINK BLOOD-

RAFAEL LMAO NO

"I hate her she's so annoying"

continues to daydream about her and how tall she'd be without those boots, lies to tavvy about her dating someone

Why did he do that? What was the purpose? Did he not want other people to date just because he wasn’t dating anyone?

And he calls Max oblivious.

oh class started

shit

IDC IDC I'LL STILL BE READING

LEXI AND SELENA ARE AT THE ACADEMY

JACE HYPER FIXATING ON THINGS BECAUSE HE'S BORED IS SUCH A MOOD

“David and I added rosemary to this one,” Uncle Jace wiped his hands on his apron. “It has definitely improved the taste, hasn’t it?”

“Save me,” David mouthed from behind the man.

LMAO POOR DAVID

“Empty nest syndrome,” Rafael chuckled. “I’m glad neither Max nor I had to leave home. My fathers are much worse.”

He remembered his first sleepover at the institute. His parents had waited for “an excruciating hour” before crashing the institute and joining the sleepover themselves.

yup, that's them.

“David,” Rafael grinned. “Are you afraid of my father?”

“What? No! He is the just a regular person…who can throw me in the silent city any time he wants,” David rambled and then shook his head. “Where is Max?”

He tried to sound nonchalant. But Rafael noted the way the other boy’s eyes fluttered every time he said Max’s name.

Just the way a crooked smile appeared on his brother’s lips every time someone said David’s name.

Idiots

ok, there is so much to unpack here.

DAVID HAS A VALID REASON OK??

These two are such IDIOTS HUSDUHISCUIDSVCUIHVSDUHI

“Max said Bapak is biased, and that he needs an unbiased tutor. Uncle Ragnor volunteered,” Rafael chuckled. “God bless the poor man.”

“Max isn’t that bad,” David replied.

“Looks like you’re biased too, David,” Rafael winked and picked up a spare bow from the training room.

of course, he is.

G-FORCE KJHSDCUISDYUKDFSUYKDSVYUSFD

oh shit

WHO DID WHAT THIS TIME

what's the rumor and who do I need to kill

He didn’t know her well. But she knew a lot about him. Just as she knew a lot about the twins. She was one of those people who was oddly invested in his life just because Rafael happened to the Consul’s son.

what is her problem?

what the fuck

I need a minute

I need a minute to digest that

I'm so glad I closed my camera in class

what the actual fuck did she just say

tell me I'm hallucinating

times like these I wish I was Jared 19

no, because I'm actually speechless right now

Paige and Irene need therapy

OH SHE WENT THERE

“Paige, that’s enough!” the Dean snapped at her. “How dare you talk to him that way? You talk about warlock corruption but where all of you when Valentine exploited Jace and Clary? Where was this moral obligation when Valentine lied to his children and played with their feelings as if they were nothing but toys to be controlled and manipulated? I’m sick of shadowhunters victim blaming children instead of holding people like Valentine accountable.”

THANK YOU

SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK SIMON

I feel like we all focus so much on the "incest" and hate on clace we forget that this part of the story was literally an abuser seeing that the victim was recovering and took the only thing which made him happy from him

I can't believe this

“Children have been suffering for a long time now, Paige,” Uncle Jace said now, his fists balled at his sides. “Where were you when Alec proposed the child protection bill? We didn’t see any of you supporting it.”

“We had other priorities,” the older woman replied. “People were dying! It was not the right time for a new law. We could have always signed that bill later. There was no rush!”

OTHER PRIORITIES MY ASS BITCH FUCK YOU

hey just realizing Rafael is the token straight

I'M SORRY IM TRYING TO DISTRACT ME

“The Cohort who made children kill themselves to prove a point?” Uncle Simon asked dryly. “That Cohort?”

I am so close to either crying or killing someone or both.

This was Max’s spot since it had the best Wi-Fi coverage.

yeah trust me I spend all the time in the guest room because it has the best wifi coverage or the study.

MAX IS SMOKING TOO

YOU FUCKING IDIOTS

oh wait

oh they might be alec's

yeah

For the next thirty minutes, Max paced around the room, threatening to portal all the shadowhunters to hell.

Then he went on about a plan to attack the cohort and portal them all to hell too.

He kept talking about portalling people to hell.

MAX YES LET'S DO IT!!!!

But here is the thing about people, they don’t get to you. You get to them.

They simply say something and leave. They probably don’t even mean the things they say or lose sleep over it. But it wasn’t the same for you. You obsess over it. You stay awake at night and let it consume your dreams.

YES! To others, it's just words. meaningless. to you, the effect can be so so deep. it's not easy to always brush them off.

NO MAGNUS

THAT'S IT

MAX AND I ARE PORTALLING PEOPLE TO HELL

WE'RE DOING IT

why do we hurt others?

my teacher: ill take a test on this chapter. all 20 units

me: softly crying because people are little shits and they hurt others.

“Fuck everyone else,” dad hissed. “They’ve hurt our family enough.”

EXACTLY. LEAVE THEM ALONE.

“I am simply being honest with you,” Dad interrupted. “I could never be okay when you are away from me. But I will manage. Max is going to raise hell though. So, that’s going to be fun.”

AS HE SHOULD

Neither Rafael nor Max would never admit it out loud, but on the day of that sleepover, on the day their parents had crashed the institute bcause they had missed the kids too much…Rafael and Max had been only a moment away from calling their parents to come pick them up.

He's right though.

it'll take time. lots of it maybe.

BUT THE ACTUAL AUDACITY.

It fucked with his mind so much.

Rafael...ALRIGHT WHERE ARE MY FLAMETHROWERS

“DAD! BAPA! WAKE UP! RAFE IS TRYING TO RUN AWAY!”

MAX REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF MY LITTLE BROTHER

He had forgotten about the bloody paperwork. Shadowhunters on their travel year had to notify the Clave and get their paperwork in order.

Well, it shouldn’t be a problem since the Clave was standing across the hall.

EXACTLY

Because it was killing him. It was killing him not to be lying on the couch, his head resting on his Bapak’s lap just like every other Saturday morning.

It was killing him not to touch, not to love, not to care.

GET MY FLAMETHROWERS AND CANNIBAL GOLDFISHES WE HAVE SOME WORK TO DO

(goddamn every class I have taken so far the teacher has told us there is a test coming up it's 9 am in the morning.)

His brother growled at that like the little feral animal that he was.

that's adorable actually.

“Fine,” Max rolled his eyes. “Does this mean I can also travel? There is a Twenty One Pilots concert in Sydney and-”

“Nice try,” Dad said. “But no. You are staying here.”

“Excuse me, but what about my healing?” Max demanded. “I’ve been traumatised by this thing.”

“You can go to therapy,” Rafael winked at this brother.

Therapy is boring but useful so-

He needed to survive this. So, he decided to go back to the place he had learned how to survive in the first place.

He needed to go back home.

UGLY CRYING WHILE TAYLOR SWIFT PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND AND MY HISTORY CLASS IN 2 MINUTES

I'm so proud of him for this...

I still say we kill these people.

JOAQUIN AND JULIETTE

UHISDCUIHFSDUGUIDFVDSDVFJHGDFVHUKDVHUKVF

Camilla Alvarez.

well well.

OH THEY KISSED

“Right,” Rafael had said. “Gap year. Besides, I do talk them. My brother threatened to paint my room in hot pink if I don’t text him every day.”

hands max a pint of paint HAVE AT IT

Max: Also – New Rumour. Dalliance between Lily and Tavvy.

Rafe: OMFG WHAT

Max: They are running with it and freaking old n*philim out.

AS THEY SHOULD UFUHIFUIHFUIHKFU

THE CENSORED N*PHILIM I'M SCREAMING

“He is hot.”

He laughed out loud. “Yeah. I hear that a lot.”

“Your dad looks kinda scary,” she pointed out.

Rafael laughed again. “Yeah. I kinda hear that a lot too.”

I'm liking this ship...

I'M STILL LOYAL TO THE RAFAEL AND ANJALI SHIP

but I'm happy for him. I'm glad he's getting the space he needs

Dad: Jst found legal age fr drnkng in Buenos Aires is 18.

Rafe: ????

Dad: I hv friends thr.

Rafe: ???

Dad: Thy r watchn u.

Rafe: Creepy but okay.

HJSDCGUIHJGSDCYUICVXUHVUHKDV

THE BOY'S DRINKING Y'ALL

Do it

MILA IS GOING TO NY!!

I like her. she's nice.

He was leaving soon. He didn’t see the point in lying to her. “I ran away from home. Kind of.”

“Why?”

“I hurt someone I love,” Rafael confessed. “The person I love most in the world.”

honey, it wasn't your fault... hugs

Shit. Why wasn’t Bapak going to the accords signing? He had been there for every single one since the very first time.

no no no no is something wrong?? I'm worried.

“You look taller,” Rafael told his brother who hadn’t grown an inch.

LMAO

Max and I are vertically challenged.

“Rafe, go to talk to him. Or I will tell everyone you’ve been smoking in the balcony!”

So, he was going to pin this on him, huh? This little shit.

well-

“You’ve progressed from freaking to fucking,” he pointed out.

“That’s not the fucking point, Rafael!” Max said in exasperation.

“You did it again,” Rafe pinched Max’s cheek. “My little brother is all grown up now. Linguistically I mean.”

“Dick."

I CAN'T WITH THESE TWO

When he had gone back to Buenos Aires, the place was completely different - even the shadow market.

There were no abandoned children in the streets. There were no racist and ignorant leaders exploiting innocent downworlders.

There was only growth.

His father had done that. Alec Lightwood had helped Joaquin and his people create a new world in Buenos Aires.

This shows how much people can flourish under good leadership if they really try.

YOU KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING THESE NOTES DOWN, NOT CRYING OVER THIS.

“I will protect our family. I will protect our friends. I will protect those who ask for my protection. But I will not tolerate their hate. I will not turn my head and pretend it doesn’t hurt. Because it does hurt and that’s not okay.”

Rafael smiled at that. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s not okay.”

“The accords is important. But so am I. There is no point in signing a treaty that is meant to value equality if I have to sign it while being surrounded by those who refuse to respect me or my identity. I simply cannot do it, Rafael. I hope you understand.”

I'm sobbing like YES YOU DONT OWE THEM SHIT. THESE UNGRATEFUL BITCHES.

“It’s taken me a while to realize this. But I don’t owe the nephilim anything,” Bapak said firmly. “It’s about time they realize that too.”

YES EXACTLY

“I’ve known shadowhunters for a long time, Rafael. Good ones. Bad ones. All kinds of them – and shadowhunters have always defined themselves by their love. Not by your weapons. Not by your runes. Not by your last names. Not by your laws. Shadowhunters have always defined themselves by love. So, don’t ever let them take that away from you.”

I want this on a T-shirt. These damn shadowhunters and their love.

“Like the Accords Hall kiss?” Rafael grinned.

“It’s the stupidest thing your father had ever done – which is really saying something,” his father laughed. “But it’s also the bravest thing I’ve ever seen him do. And that’s how I knew.”

affectionate sigh that's alec.

“Good. Max is sitting in the porch and singing All by Myself,” Tessa chuckled and closed the door. “Just thought you should know!!”

Rafael giggled at that. “He must have given you hell.”

“Nothing I couldn’t handle,” Bapak shrugged, and Rafael raised an eyebrow. “Fine. I might have promised to buy him a car when he turns 18.”

“You’re hoping he would stop aging by then, aren’t you?” Rafael chuckled.

Max is so dramatic I aspire to be like him.

Blue banners when the lost return, the shadowhunter rhythm said.

Rafael had returned home – and he was no longer lost.

I'm ok I say as I cry during my history class

I'm so proud of him.

“Well, that needs to be rectified immediately,” Dad said in the Consul Voice and literally yelled. “I am about to kiss my son – on both cheeks! You better gossip about this too!”

“Oh my god, stop!” Rafael giggled and tried to escape.

“YAS!” he heard Uncle Jace yelled from somewhere. “GIVE US A FOREHEAD KISS TOO!”

THEY ARE SO DRAMATIC I LOVE THESE IDIOTS SO MUCH.

THEM ADDING TO THE ACCORDS AS THEY SHOULD OMG

“The hell is hate speech?” someone asked.

Do you not have a dictionary you uncultured swine

“There is a very clear difference between free speech and hate speech,” Cristina Rosales pointed out. “The fact that you don’t seem to know that is all the more reason for us to include this provision.”

YES CRISTINA

“By the angel,” an old man gasped. “There is no need to be so emotional. The younger generation can be such snowflakes.”

What if I just strangles him

“Discriminatory language?” a woman demanded. “What does that even mean?”

“Calling vampires bloodsuckers,” Lily Chen answered.

“Calling warlocks demon spawns,” Ragnor Fell pointed out.

“Calling werewolves fleabags,” Maia Roberts declared.

“Calling faeries half-breeds,” Kieran Kingson all but yelled.

The fact that they have had to deal with this shit for YEARS. (also why Kingson? isn't Kieran the king?)

THE QUEEN HERSELF IS HERE Y'ALL

“Which one of you shitheads said hate speech is harmless?” Anjali demanded, her voice booming over everyone and everything else.

YES ANJALI

Anjali had a grin of her own. “While that might true, Paige, there is most certainly a law on child protection. You didn’t just hurt Magnus Bane. You also hurt his son. Section 7 of the Child Protection Bill states that any person who physically or emotionally injures a child through ill-treatment, neglect, abandonment or abuse is guilty of breaking the covenant.”

“Damn straight!” someone yelled from the crowd – it sounded suspiciously like Kit.

CALL THESE BITCHES OUT YES

“Rafael is not a child!” someone yelled again. A lot of them this time. “It’s still not illegal. The law doesn’t say so!”

“By the angel, for someone who is obsessed with the law you people seem to know nothing about it,” Anjali said in exasperation. “The child protection law defines a child as a person under 18 years OR younger. The incident happened when he was still 18. It’s illegal.”

YES ANJALI FUCK THESE PEOPLE

“I’m the Inquisitor’s daughter,” she said. “Next time, think twice before you quote the law at me.”

SHOW THEM, QUEEN

How did she know his birthday????

ahem

“So, if you do hurt him emotionally, you can still be implicated. You will face charges and you can possibly be stripped of your runes,” Anjali pointed out seriously. “Now I ask you again. Does anyone else have to say anything about him?”

There was absolute silence then.

“Didn’t fucking think so,” Anjali spat. “I literally had to mention the stripping of your marks for you to respect another person’s basic rights. If you give half the value you place on your precious runes to other people, we wouldn’t be in exile right now.”

The Cohort looked terrified – of Anjali or their future in the Clave, Rafael didn’t know.

“People are dying,” Anjali said, her voice heavy now. “Our people are fucking dying, and you seem to be more bothered with who is sleeping with whom. Shame on you. Shame on all of you!”

She turned to the Council. The Inquisitor looked like he was going to cry from pride. Rafael’s dad looked half terrified but mostly impressed. Lily was blowing kisses at Anjali. The other downworld leaders looked quite pleased.

Shadowhunters are so fucking bigoted and narrow-minded. I'm seething right now.

also, alec looking scared-

“THAT’S THE BEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!” Emma Carstairs yelled.

“Goddamn, I wish Magnus was here to see this,” Uncle Jace grinned. “That was satisfying as hell.”

“No worries, I recorded the whole thing!” Kit put up his hand.

YES YES AND YES

“Fuck the Cohort,” Rafael giggled.

“Actually, I would prefer you use the word screw,” his father pointed out. “Screw the Cohort!”

“Oh my god, Dad!” Rafael rolled his eyes. “I am allowed to swear once in a while.”

“No, you are not,” Dad said firmly – this man was so not ready to meet Max’s new persona. “As your friend pointed out, you are still a child.”

Alec seeing Max curse left and right: 👁️��👁️

"She hates me!"

“Rafael, she stood up for you in front of the entire Clave. She fought the Cohort. It was incredibly brave. I wish she had spoken to me before without causing all the chaos. So, it was a little stupid of course. But still brave.”

Stupid but brave.

YESYESYESYES IT'S HAPPENING!!!

ANJALI WHO HURT YOU

WHO DARED TO

Names. Give me names NOW

Jaime no...please no not Jaime.

please please, please

ok, I searched it up. And he can get treatment. He can live. It doesn't have to be serious. please, Jaime...

“If you ever tell anyone you saw me crying, I will drag you to Idris and drown you in Lake Lyn.”

This is such an Anjali thing to say.

OOO MILLA (Mila?) MESSAGED!!! Is there gonna be some sort of love triangle here??

me who despises love triangles (aside from TID of course): ...

BUT SINCE IT'S YOU I'M SURE IT'LL BE AMAZING. I'm still nervous about this though...

UHCUHDVUKDVHUKVHUVHM I LOVED THIS CHAPTER SO SO SO SO MUCH IT WAS A LITERAL ROLLERCOASTER AND ANJALI QUEEN I LOVE

see ya on Friday!!

OKAY I AM LOVING THIS ENERGY BUT PLEASE FOCUS ON YOUR CLASSES FJKSDFHJKSJFHKD I PROMISE THE STORY IS GOING TO BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK LOL.

But I am so glad you like it. Amidst all your screaming and chaos, I always find very perceptive and profound observations. It's fantastic! I love it so much!

Thank you for enjoying LBAF - and good luck with your tests!!!

#lbaf

16 notes · View notes

p0gue420 · 4 years ago

Text

!Too Young To Feel Numb! (Kie x Reader)

ATTENTION!! There are a lot of trigger warnings in this one! Including: drinking, drugs, talks of feeling alone, depression.

Summary: Y/n started smoking weed at the age of 8, It’s all she’d known; She grew up around it so it was normal for her to start super young, she told herself that’s the farthest she’d go...only smoking weed..never any hard drugs. She thought she could learn from her parent's mistakes, guess not.

pairing: Kie x female!reader, Rafe x Platonic! reader, JJ x Sister figure! reader

Warnings: Substance abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts, marijuana Underage drinking,(reader is 15),

A/N: Alot of grammar errors because i dont feel like checking it so sorry....not really,hehe

---------

I use to think people were crazy for even thinking about doing anything harder than weed. Yeah...I was like 7 so it doesn’t count.”Yo you gonna babysit that shit or pass it, I mean...I have all day but would love to do something besides wait for you to pass the blunt.” I rolled my eyes waiting for JJ to hand it to me.”Chill, what’s up your ass today?”

He finally passes it, after what felt like hours. I take a long hit before seeing he’s actually wanting me to answer his question.”Nothin. man, I’ve just got places to be.” I mumbled out hoping he wouldn’t start asking any further questions. He stares blankly awaiting me to pass it back, knowing I don’t share my feelings so he simply lays off. “Hey. You trynna go surfing today….whenever you’re done with your….things..?”

“Uhh, yeah text me and-” I’m cut off by the sound of my phone vibrating...Barry.

Barry:

Meet in twenty? I got extra today

I look up from my phone stuttering my words, and fumbling.“Uhm, I gotta go do something, but I’ll text you later to surf, yeah?” I say nodding towards JJ as I began walking out.”Uhm yea sure, hey-” I was already out the door.”-be safe.” he muttered to himself left wondering why I left so fast. On the way to my bike, I ran into Kie and Pope laughing about something before Kie began to make her way over towards me.

“Hey, Y/n! Heading out so fast, are we?”Kie pouted her lip out mimicking a whimpering sound.” heh, yeah sorry bub. I gotta go handle some things and I’ll be back later.” I peck her lips in a swift movement as well as pull up the front of her crop top, covering her exposed cleavage.”Those are my love,keep them covered” I wink at her. She laughs and heads inside after blowing me a kiss,that I catch and pretend to place in my heart..Wow im so whipped.

My thoughts cut off by a loud vibrating noise.

Barry:

You coming?

Read: 46 sec.ago

Me:

Omw now!

Read: just now

I hop on my bike heading over to Barry’s place knowing a shortcut I found a few days ago.

It only takes 10 minutes before i’m in front of his house walking up the steps of the porch.My clean oxygen is immediately replaced by the smell of cigarettes,weed,and...Is that burnt hair?I scrunch my face in disgust at the awful smells.”Aye look who it is!” Barry calls out after seeing my face, He’s standing beside..Rafe cameron.

Now...I’m not friends with Rafe but i also don’t exactly despise him.I babysat wheezie all summer last year,most the time he’d join..keep me company;I don’t think he knew i was with Kie but he’s not all bad.He’s helped me more times than I can count,only because i've done the same for him though.

“Yo waddup.I didn’t expect to see you here.” I share a short handshake with Barry and side hug Rafe,he seems unprepared for it so he stumbles a bit but eventually hugs back quickly.”uh yeah.just doing some..business” Rafe says avoiding eye contact,looking everywhere except my face.”anyway i'm gonna head out, i'll catch you guys later.” Rafe walks towards,im guessing his bike;I head inside following barry so i didn’t really catch what he drove in.

“So like I said I've got your usual ,and then I got a little extra something I thought you may like.”He continues on but I'm so wrapped up in the fact that I want to consume something soon,anything;I don’t know exactly what he's saying.”Sound good?” He asked “Uh what?sorry I zoned out a bit.”I shook my head pushing my long hair out of my eyes.”Look,Usually altogether this would be alot of money but considering I stole the pills,I'll spare you the oxy,wadda yuh say?”, “Yeah sure,80$?”

He nods his head holding his hand out as i hand him the money.He hands you a bag full of coke in a plastic baggy, along with the pills in its original container it was prescribed. “Ight,thanks man.Ill see you later next week!” I wave goodbye as I show myself out, shoving the ‘things’ I had bought into my bag and swinging it back on my back.

~Incoming call from:Bubbs<3

I instantly pick up not wanting to worry her.

I instantly hear the boys laughing and playing in the background,but wait for her to say something.”Hey baby, you heading back yet?” Kie questioned sounding bored of the childish boys we spend our time with.”Not yet,i promise im almost done,ask the boys if there's drinks at the chateau please.”She turns her head away from the boys asking what there is to drink besides sink water.

I hear a chorus of “We just stocked up”,”All good momma bird.” and other sayings coming from the overly hyper boys.”Did you hear that,or need me to repeat?” She hesitantly says, making sure I’m still listening ”Gotcha,I'm headed your way now,see you there” I say quickly hanging up without giving her time to respond.

I hop on my bike and drive towards…...the opposite of the chateau,instead deciding to go to the Camerons.I drive,stuck in thought of what ill do when i get there,not quite sure why i decided to come.I had been so lost in thought I didn’t realise I was suddenly at the Cameron residence. I park my bike and began walking up to the door,but before I can knock,Rafe walks up behind me.

“Y/n?” I swiftly turn around being scared for a minute before realizing who it was.”Oh!uhm. yeah...hey” I ‘smoothly’ say”what are you doing here?” he asks..The whole conversation was a blur and before I knew it I was walking up to his room to hang out.I sit on the bed laying back asking about what he wants to do.”I don't know,you came here,what'd you have in mind?” He asked curiously.”I'm not sure.” I snorted at my inability to maintain a conversation.

I dig into my bag as he starts up about how he broke his bed frame the other day, because he put too many boxes on the bed while getting rid of some old things. I finally found what I was looking for,the baggy of white powder.I lifted it up smiling widely.”Can I do this here or no?”I question,feeling my body begin to sweat at the thought of getting to snort the white powder.

“Uh,I mean.. yea sure,didn't know you did that kind of thing.. but I mean go ahead.” He rambles. He stares into space as I do a few lines, my eyes opening wide at the sensation of sudden adrenaline;I look over to see him trying not to stare.”Oh my bad,You want some?” I ask holding up the dollar folded into a cylinder shape , gesturing to the lines of coke spread on the dresser.

---

Hours go by,giggling,cracking jokes with rafe as well as doing oxy and maybe overdoing it with the coke seeing as the bag was almost gone.Rafe hasn't done much.I on the other hand was feeling VERY shaky and everything was just so hilarious..until it wasnt.My high started to get bad and overall scary.I must've did too much in such a limited amount of time.I look at my phone .

17 missed calls from Bubbs<3

8 missed calls from John B:)

9 missed calls from Popey boi

11 missed calls from JJ

Incoming call from Bubbs<3

“He-h-hello ,hi,hey.”

“DON'T ‘HI’ ME!” Kie instantly began screaming into the phone making me move my face away from it as Rafe looked at me with a worried expression on his face.

“Y/n,Where have you been! I’ve been so worried! I’ve-” I Blanked out again not in the mood to be yelled at.”Yeah,hey I nee-need,will-can youcomeandpickme up” I say jumbling all my words together. “Are you okay?Why are you talking like that?''She ask worried about my state of mind.

“Yeah am- I fine,Yes” I say yet again struggling to sound normal. I guess I was on speaker because JJ immediately began yelling into the phone asking about where I was.”Rafes house” Rafe sat silently waiting for them to break out into hysterics about me being with him.The phone went silent for a moment before the call ended.”So does that mean they not-....Vodka” was all i said before heading downstairs Rafe was sober enough to be able to notice what i was doing.I quickly went downstair searching through the freezer.

“Yessss.”I exclaimed before chugging the vodka.”Rafe continuously asking me to give him the bottle.I chugg at least half the pint bottle before having to give it up because Sarah comes down the stairs.”Y/n what're you doing here?” She asks excitedly until she saw me tripping over my own feet walking towards her,”Woah!” she caught me just before I hit the floor.

She turned to the door hearing someone pull up.Kie.”Rafe what did you do to her?” Sarah asked, holding me up scared of how out of it I was.”SHE BROUGHT COKE HERE,i did a bit with her, but she did A LOT. I legit did nothing this time I swear on everything!”He trailed back up the stairs not caring about the situation now that Sarah was there to take care of you.

I began to sweat, tears running down my face. scared of what's happening to me.John b and Kie rush through the front doors asking where I am.”IN HERE GUYS!” Sarah screamed for them to hear her.My eyes rolling to the back of my head as I went in and out of consciousness.

“BABYYYY!!!” i exclaimed making grabby hands at Kie as i started crying harder

Sarah helped me stand up shakingly as I tried to walk to my girlfriend,She came running towards me with a concerned look on her face. She grabs my face pecking my lips,”Bub. I need you to listen to me, okay?” I nodd in awe of the gorgeous girl in front of me.”John B is gonna take you to the van,we need you to tell us everything you took to get in this state, okay?” I drowsily nodded,growing tired.

Just as she said,the tall boy picked me up bridal style carrying me out to the twinkie.

I take notice to seating arrangement so i can close my eyes and know whos talking ,JJ being in the passenger seat,Pope watching From the bench behind the driver's seat.Kie stepped up into the van sitting on the floor of the vehicle waiting for John B to place me down beside her.As he did I sat up enough to lean my back against her chest.

JJ was surprisingly silent.Too silent.Pope looked so worried at my sweating body and dripping wet hair from sweat,tears,and vodka mixture.”Okay,Y/n,What did you take?” my girlfriend sits grabbing my face turning me to face her, my legs straddling her thighs on the floor as I nuzzle my head into the crook of her neck,but she pushes my head up making me pout but not being able to maintain due to the dizziness. “I took a few oxy,uhm when I -then i did a few lines of coke,and…..i chugged half a pint of vodka..” i said tears filling my eyes trying to not look into anyone's eyes,

Silent JJ was no more .”Are you fucking kidding me.Y/n Y/m/n Y/l/n.You’re not supposed to take oxy and drink alcohol together.much less do oxy or coke at all.ARE YOU DUMB!” JJ began turning around. A Quiet ‘im sorry’ came from my mouth.John B finally pulled into the chateau.

Kie carried me while my face stayed nuzzled in her neck still crying due to my,still,VERY high state.she sat me down on the couch out on the porch as everyone except her,went to get a few things.Pope came back with water and a wet rag to place on my head.JJ brought a blanket,John B came back empty handed because he only went inside to pee.

“Kie?” I whispered scared she was mad.”Yes baby?”

“Are you mad at me?” I questioned hiding my face in her shoulder due to the amount of dizziness being insured. She leaned her head on mine with an unknown amount of emotions,not quite sure of how to fully answer. “No I- I just don’t know what you were thinking I just- Well I figured you wouldn’t ever do anything like this considering what we talked about-and -and what you went through with your parents..”

“I know-I wanted to feel better tho..I just feel like i have no one-”

Shortly realising the guys were still in on the conversation as Pope cut in.

“Y/n, you have,and always will have us..” I lift my head from the girls shoulder before slowly looking at Pope in his sad worried eyes.

“I guess, I like-I dont know guys what you want me to say..Im trying to be better for myself for everybody,but nothing was working and i ran into barry one day and we talked and he offered a way to help,of course i was hesitant but its really not that bad...Im actually fine!” I said standing up as John b followed me.

“y/n, you were just saying you need help,so what the fuck are we supposed to do ,one minute you need help and having to be ushered here so you dont die! And-and-the next thing you’re yelling at us about how your fine,you’re not fine and you know it!” I stopped as I watched the long haired boy fight back tears trying to explain how all of them feel.

“Fuck you guys honestly,Im not a child i know how i feel,this is all just bullshit!” I yelled at them all, I ran to the spare bedroom covered in sweat,tears,and vodka; I slowly sink into the bed as tears fall down my face crying myself to sleep,what i didn’t know was that my bestfriend’s and girlfriend were all huddled up outside the door awaiting me to fall asleep so that they could come in and cuddle me to make me feel better.Sometimes things get better, but i dont think this is one of those times atleast for now anyway..

#outerbanks x reader #pogues x reader #pogues imagine #kie x reader #kie imagines #depression #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank x y/n #jj maybank imagine #jj maybanks smut #john b x reader #john b routledge #sarah cameron x reader #pope x reader #madison bailey #madison bailey x reader #rudy pancow x reader

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aprito · 4 years ago

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hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me)

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please)

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since.

so finally we can move to the first question

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara.

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

#nonitxt #meta #another hot take from me #but seriously if you're offended over these #unfollow me lol idc #defending predatory content is not a hill im gonna die on in this life

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toastedpopsicles · 4 years ago

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BNHA Headcanon

Requests are: Open!

What the big three of class 1A would be like as a partner :)

I haven’t written in so long, it’s really sad :( I really want to write I just don’t know at all what to write! If any of my friends or any of y’all have ideas on what to write, please let me know! My request box is open! I really want to write more, so if you’ve had an idea in the back of your mind, please let me know!

* Cough * now that I’ve finished my ramble lets get onto the headcanons!

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ♫ ⋅.} ───── ⊰

𝓜𝓲𝓭𝓸𝓻𝓲𝔂𝓪, 𝓘𝔃𝓾𝓴𝓾

Sweetest child ever, we love him so so much !

Possibly the sweetest of these three?

All the cuddles, for sure, hugs 24/7,

Kisses are different

They boy gets nervous when a girl is too close let alone kissing them, are you kidding?

He, of course, really loves you, you know that, but it will take him some time, so in the meanwhile, hand holding, hugs, and cuddles are more than enough

But when he is finally comfortable enough to kiss you?

He won’t stop. You can’t make him.

Kisses your hands, cheeks, nose, everywhere he can, he loves you so much and this is how he shows it.

Deal with it?

Anyways,

He loves to cuddle you a lot, especially after a long day of hero training and just school in general, he loves to lay his head in your lap and ask you to run your fingers through his hair, or just softly cup his cheeks, just really tender and soft touches

He also really loves it when you lay your head on his chest, it makes him so happy for some reason idk

loves to scratch your back for the cute little snores you let out while you’re sleeping

OKAY I JUST THOUGHT OF THIS

If you call him ‘ Your Hero ‘ ?

He’ll die, he’s dead, good job, you killed him, what do you have to say for yourself?

No but for real, it makes him so happy when you call him that, he’s striving to be the best he hero he can be, but having you call him Your Hero? It makes him over the moon with happiness

“ ThankyouforcallingmethatitreallymeansalotI’mgladthatI’myourherooh- “

You had to cut him off. He wouldn’t stop otherwise.

Sweet boy. Yes yes, very good.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ♪ .⋅} ────── ⊰

𝓑𝓪𝓴𝓾𝓰𝓸, 𝓚𝓪𝓽𝓼𝓾𝓴𝓲

Asshole child, I love him

This man is my desktop screensaver I-

ANYWAYS

Tsundere, we all know this ass man is one, lets face it.

At first he absolutely loathes any kind of romantic interaction in public when you two first start dating, which was difficult to get to in the first place.

I feel like even before you started dating, he wouldn’t want to even talk to you? Like yeah, okay, You’re cute and all... and maybe you have a cute ass smile...

But you’re a distraction from being on top

If Once he kinda realizes that his hyper-fixation on being the #1 hero is a tad bit too much, he’ll probably pull back the reigns a tiny tiny bit, and finally kinda sorta admit his.. feelings? To you

“ Oi, dumbass, c’mere “ ... “ You’re kinda not terrible looking “

Once y’all start dating he opens up more, eventually letting PDA be a thing, because your his woman dammit! He’s gonna show you off to every possible human who is a male and in your age range, gonna let them know you’re his, got it?

Don’t fuckin touch them. Mine.

Likes when you lay on his chest. It kinda inflates his ego more than it already is tbh, he likes that you chose him to be the one to protect you, and thats kinda sweet ig

Will only really kiss you ( other than your lips ) If your asleep, aka forehead kisses and kissing you lightly on your eyelashes.

Likes to hold your hand to make sure these other idiots know that your his idiot.

So sweet !

Definitely makes you rub his back after class

* ugh * fine he rub’s yours too

wtf he’s too good at this

why is Katsuki literally a housewife I’m confused.

I like this explosion boy. He’s kinda cool.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ♫ ⋅.} ───── ⊰

𝓣𝓸𝓭𝓸𝓻𝓸𝓴𝓲, 𝓢𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓽𝓸

Ah yes, the one who doesn’t understand why these thirsty ass hoes are simpin over him

* cough * I am a simp for this man.

Doesn’t really have that great of an understanding of what a relationship should be? His parent’s weren’t exactly the perfect couple?

Like he was probably talking with the bois ™ when relationships come up and they’re talking about like.. normal relationship stuff and he’s all “ Huh? What? “

They have to kinda explain to him like.. what love actually is?

By the end of it he’s like “ Oh. “

That’s all he says.

As time goes on he kinda understands he has a crush on you? He enjoys being around you far more than your other classmates, and now he’s stuck because he A; Has never been in this situation before and B; Doesn’t know what to do when you have a crush?

I would imagine that he would either go to one of the quieter boys of the class or someone like Kirishima.

Whoever it ends up being, they tell him what he needs to do, I feel like for someone as reserved as Shouto, he would probably write some kind of short note, either telling you his feelings, or to tell you to meet him somewhere like in a cheesy ass movie

Fan service, anyone?

Anyways, it’s a memory you look back on fondly, now that you guys are dating.

Todoroki is absolutely the best person to cuddle? Are you kidding?

I know personally I like to be either warm or cold when I sleep, sometimes in-between, and he is quite literally half cold, half hot?

he likes to cuddle too, I imagine he likes spooning, both being the big and little spoon.

Not especially fond of PDA, but will hold your hand.

In private however, it’s mostly the same lol

at least at the start? You have to understand that this poor baby has both been physically and mentally abused for who knows how long? Love isn’t a normal thing to him.

However, I believe that he will warm up to the idea of being loved by someone rather quickly once he knows how fun it is.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ♪ .⋅} ────── ⊰

Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!

If you two don’t want to be tagged in my stuff, please tell me, but y’all are really my only two friends SO IM GONNA. @t-amajiki @mochimooncakes

#bnha #mha #bnha x reader #mha x reader #izuku x reader #midoriya x reader #deku x reader #bakugo x reader #katsuki x reader #todoroki x reader #shouto x reader #izuku midoriya #katsuki bakugou #shouto todoroki

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vanishcd · 5 years ago

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[[ So i’m gonna post this whole thing but I just. NEED to analyze the entire discussion between Morrell and Stiles in Battlefield. Because its such important character stuff besides being INCREDIBLY well-written.

Included are my thoughts on my Stiles and my perspectives on how he thinks, especially when it comes to how ADHD/anxiety makes you perceive things. Likes are appreciated but PLEASE ask to reblog since this feels very personal for me and my muse

Stiles: You know when you're drowning, you don't actually inhale until right before you black out. It's called voluntary apnea. It's like no matter how much you're freaking out, the instinct to not let any water in is so strong that you won't open your mouth until you feel like your head's exploding. But then when you finally do let it in, that's when it stops hurting. It's not scary anymore. It's - it's actually kind of peaceful.

So this whole thing starts off with his anxiety. His way of describing things in details with both feelings and facts that makes it incredibly visceral and real. You can feel yourself underwater, you can imagine that moment he’s talking about. The pain and then the relief. (Fear and pain. Big threads in some of his emotional beats. He also FOCUSES in on those details when he’s afraid, classic anxiety symptom.)

Morrell: Are you saying you hope Matt felt some peace in his last moments Stiles: I don't feel sorry for him. Morrell: Can you feel sorry for the nine - year - old Matt who drowned? Stiles: Just because a bunch of dumbasses dragged him into a pool when he couldn't swim doesn't really give him the right to go off killing them one by one.

He has no sympathy for Matt. Not after what he’s done to everyone. Not for what Stiles perceives as a dumb, if awful, fluke and Matt’s personal offense/inability to get over it.

The punishment should fit the crime and his noting of "one by one" points out that Matt has been calculating this. For something ambiguous and one time, if traumatic. It's a conflict with Stiles' sense of what justice is. Matt also attacked him, his friends, Scott, his dad, and Melissa. That alone means Stiles can’t excuse, reason, forgive, or sympathize. But then--

Stiles: And by the way, my dad told me that they found a bunch of pictures of Allison on Matt's computer. And not just of her though. I mean, he photoshopped himself into these pictures. Stuff like them holding hands and kissing. You know, like he had built this whole fake relationship. So yeah, maybe drowning when he was nine years old was what sent him off the rails, but the dude was definitely riding the crazy train.

here’s the thing. Despite having general/social anxiety and ADHD, Stiles isn't forgiving of mistakes/cruelty because of mental illness. Yes, even though he fully knows his own issues have caused shit. Even knowing it's a POWERFUL motivator. But he has a LOW opinion of someone who uses trauma/illness to lash out purely for revenge. Especially over something that as he said was the result of kids being stupid

Even without this, he would hate Matt simply for being a creepy af stalker, not only CREATING this delusion of him w Allison but ACTING ON IT. Anyone who pulls that shit is LOW. And it was toward one of his closest friends.

He also happens to be deflecting, talking about others instead of himself (which is of course the whole point of a counseling session). He’s not just rambling cause he’s angry/disgusted and has a tendency to. He’s JUSTIFYING himself through it, which means he’s on the defensive and doesn’t want to open up to Morrell.

Morrell: One positive thing came out of this, though. Right? Stiles: Yeah. Yeah, but I still feel like there's something wrong between [him and his dad]. I don't know. It's just like tension when we talk.

The first moment he opens up, maybe because the guilt of STILL not saying anything about the supernatural to his dad is TOO MUCH. It's one of the heaviest burdens he's carried. So even though Stilinski got his position as sheriff back, Stiles still feels like he's to blame.

Interesting thing to note is that the topic of his dad is the one thing he consistently opens up to people to. Showing vulnerability doesn't matter when it's his dads ANYTHING at stake. And he's ok showing that to Morrell both cause it's not focused on moving forward and his own feelings, but because it's actually something that he feels he needs help with. Because their relationship means too much.

The tension could also be alluding to the hallucination he had at Lydias party (despite the fact that he obviously doesn't TELL her about it) I can write a whole essay on that scene but the scene, real or not, clearly weighs on Stiles. And with anxiety, it's easy to fall into the mindset that your fears are real, they just aren't being SPOKEN. Even when you KNOW without a DOUBT that the person doesn't feel that way, it sticks in your mind and messes with your perception. Stiles is aware his perception could be skewed from stress.

Stiles: [Scott’s] got his own problems to deal with though: I don't think he's talked to Allison either. But that might be more her choice, you know. Her mom dying hit her pretty hard. But I guess it brought her and her dad closer. Jackson? Jackson hasn't really been himself lately. Actually the funny thing is, as of right now, Lydia is the one who seems the most normal.

As Morrell is about to silently observe by asking about him, Stiles is once again deflecting the topic to everyone elses trauma and avoiding talking about how he feels. Just what he’s observed and his judgement about it. And his comments can be perceived as pretty neutral despite how much he cares for 3 of the 4 people who are going through hell with him.

Morrell: And what about you, Stiles? Feeling some anxiety about that championship game tomorrow night? Stiles: Why would you ask me that? Ah. Uh, no. I - I never actually play. But hey, since one of my teammates is dead and another one's missing, who knows, right?

AGAIN he deflects. He knows she's digging for “im feeling anxious” and admittance that HE isn't ok. And not only denies it on reflex but then takes the leading part and uses that for the topic. Again he talks about others and uses dry sarcasm to make himself more comfortable.

Morrell: You mean, Isaac. One of the three runaways. You haven't heard from any of them, have you? Stiles: How come you're not taking any notes on this? Morrell: I do my notes after the session. Stiles: Your memory's that good?

Deflect; and this time because she doesnt give up, he turns the topic to HER. Most people will let you ramble about others but when you start making observations about THEM, particularly what they’re doing at the moment or their professionalism, they get defensive. Even if its a word or two, it’s enough to give him an “advantage”.

And it’s, as becomes the ultimate point, him fishing for time.

Morrell: How about we get back to you? Stiles? Stiles: --I'm fine. Yeah, aside from the not sleeping, the jumpiness, the constant, overwhelming, crushing fear that something terrible's about to happen.

And there's the moment he finally breaks. He knows she's not gonna let him go, she's directly observing his anxiety. And there's a slight pause before she says his name. For the first time, shes directly giving him permission to speak, instead of asking prying questions. He could deny it. And he does, but in the obvious way that's just a lead in to his feelings.

He's at a point in the conversation and the situation that he doesn't have any other option. And even though his tone is harsh, it's honest. Because he's scared and suddenly realizes they covered everyone, and no one is left to help.

Morrell: It's called hyper - vigilance, the persistent feeling of being under threat. Stiles: But it's not just a feeling, though. It's - it's like it's a panic attack. You know, like I can't even breathe. Morrell: Like you're drowning? Stiles: Yeah. Morrell: So if you're drowning, and you're trying to keep your mouth closed until that very last moment, what if you choose to not open your mouth? To not let the water in? Stiles: You do anyway. It's a reflex. Morrell: But if you hold off until that reflex kicks in, you have more time, right? Stiles: Not much time. Morrell: But more time to fight your way to the surface? Stiles: I guess.

He has a way with words. He's been rambling this whole time. But his description of a panic attack is the last vivid bit for several lines. Trying to get across his desperation.

Then he goes to simple answers. "Yeah" and "I guess" because when he feels so lost, he gets quiet.

Stiles is very pragmatic AND emotional. He thinks with both but rationalizes. "It's a reflex" and "not much time" is his logical side kicking in, but in that way it's counterproductive because anxiety. You search for an answer, a relief from your fear, and when it's GIVEN, you don't quite know what to do with it. So you rationalize your own helplessness because you've fallen into that pattern of logical thinking combined with fear. That's what makes an anxious mind spin out.

Morrell: More time to be rescued? Stiles: More time to be in agonizing pain. I mean, did you forget about the part where you feel like your head's exploding? Morrell: If it's about survival, isn't a little agony worth it? Stiles: But what if it just gets worse? What if it's agony now and then - and it's just hell later on?

Stiles fears pain. And I think it's not the pain specifically, it's the idea of it being the last thing, an extended thing. Emotional or physical (who wouldn’t?) And then he rationalizes with facts again to prove his point. This is the crux of MANY anxieties. That you aren't strong enough to get through, that it won't end, that there's no hope.

Morrell is having none of it. She won't let him give up on HOPE.

Morrell: Then think about something Winston Churchill once said - "If you're going through hell, keep going."

Know why that got through to him? Because it's simple and factual and makes him realize--it's the only thing you CAN do. It's not exactly hope for him but determination. Will to keep going for a little longer

And the truth is, that's all you CAN do in some horrible situations. You feel hopeless, useless. But to quote another favorite tv show "believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a very powerful thing."

Hope, hope for hope, will get you through. It can be more painful than anything in the world, but it's also the ONE THING that lets you get thought when EVERYTHING ELSE has failed.

And as Morrell says, if you can survive, isn't it worth it?

#ooc #save #;Hollowed Boy #this is largely based on my own observations and headcanons #but i feel this its p accurate #headcanon

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tetranocular · 4 years ago

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i rewatched a few episodes of rwby recently and i feel like rambling a bit

long rant under the cut

i wish i could watch rwby without being so hyper aware of its flaws. there’s so many legitimately interesting aspects to the show, but i can’t fathom watching any more of it because of how poorly-written it is. everything interesting about it is immediately overpowered by the lack of focus, poor pacing, and uninteresting character arcs

i WANT to watch it. i WANT to see what happens, because there’s so many amazing little details that really could make a fantastic show! but every time i try and go back to it, i’m just... extremely disappointed. it promised so much, and delivered so little

even IF rwby somehow gets really really good in later volumes, it’ll forever be linked to it’s horribly lackluster beginning. you need to start strong in a show, because that’s where you set everything up. you can’t build from the top down, you have to build from the bottom up, but if your bottom is weak, the whole thing will crumble, even if you have really strong bricks at the top. i can’t see myself legitimately going back to rwby to watch the later seasons, even if i hear they’re fantastic, because they’re built upon a structurally insecure base that has unfinished plots and disinteresting characters

i was going to recommend it to my friend, and suggest we watch together when we have the time... but upon going back to it on my own just to make sure it’s something he’d be interested in, i realized... my god, it’s worse than i remembered, i just blocked out everything i hated about it and had this idealistic version of it in my head that’s dishonest to the actual show. it’s one thing to have a show that’s just all-round bad, that’s whatever, but when it has these occasional strokes of brilliance, it’s just setting it’s audience up to be horribly disappointed the next episode-- or hell, even the next scene

i realize rwby was a big undertaking, and the people involved had never done anything at this scope before, but a lot of the decisions they had made at the beginning could have easily been fixed by sitting on their ideas a bit longer, and getting more eyes on the script-- and also... you know, having a solid script before they began. rwby was a big undertaking, and they knew that, so i don’t understand why they... basically just wrote it on the fly. workshopping it even just a LITTLE BIT would have made all the difference. they could have focused on the setting, focused on the characters, focused on a single main plot... ANYTHING would have been better than the clusterfuck of awkward characters and pacing that we got

i love the fight scenes in rwby. i really really do love them. even the older ones, despite the animation not being as fluid, were FANTASTIC. but that’s basically all rwby has to offer, and so you might as well just watch the fight scenes individually, without connecting them to a greater plot. and like i’ve said, there are hints of brilliance in there, but 99% of the time, you get... extremely awkward dialogue that doesn’t serve to deepen characters or their relationships with one another, boring exposition that doesn’t even explain the things you want to know, ideas that were recycled from other pieces of media for no reason other than seeming cool, and disinteresting story beats that ultimately end up meaning nothing anyways

i realize it’s too late to change these things, and i myself even said i wouldn’t go back to watch more rwby even if it suddenly got really good, but i can’t help but want to express my disappointment anyways. when i think about rwby, i have fond memories of it. it was shown to me by a friend, and i showed it to a few friends as well. it means something to me. but unlike most bad shows i feel fond about, it’s hard to defend rwby, because ultimately... the fondness was for the potential, not the show itself. i laugh about how bad some of the shows i used to watch are, but even those i generally still find myself enjoying if i go back to them. when it comes to rwby, there isn’t enough in there i enjoy to actually call the experience of rewatching it rewarding, interesting, fun... or even NEUTRAL. it’s actively unpleasant. i’m grimacing every few seconds out of sheer secondhand embarrassment for everything in-between the action scenes, and i’m generally REALLY REALLY forgiving when it comes to the media i consume. i like most things i watch! i’m very easy to please! so the fact that going back to rwby is this unpleasant is honestly shocking... and pretty telling, too

and look.. even just 2 years ago, i was super into this show. im not saying this because i hate rwby. in fact, i actually kind of love it, and that’s why i’m so hard on it. conceptually, it was fantastic and gorgeous, but the people writing it were inexperienced, and they probably bit off way more than they could chew. but like i said before, it’s too late to change these things, and so the only thing i can hope for is for rooster teeth to learn from the mistakes they made throughout the duration of rwby and eventually create something new that can promise a lot, and also actually follow through on it’s promise

#these are just my thoughts tho #if u disagree with what ive said i respect ur opinion but i dont want to argue or anything #this isnt meant to be discourse or an open discussion im just airing my frustrations #also this isnt about anything in particular that's happened in the show recently #i dont keep up with the show anymore and have no intentions to in the future #MAYBE if a friend wants to watch with me ill do it but honestly id have more fun just watching the fight scenes

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sunarctus · 2 years ago

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Thought I didn't see you lookin' Sergeant? 🤨😏

#wait till i finish and u see whats under where I cut it off ;)#i am so so happy with how this is going #im getting to explore and learn so many things on this piece #to name a few composition foreshortening proportions lighting muscles shoes #anyway enough rambling i just needed to get it out because im so hyper #and i need to calm down and sleep bc work *sigh*#mw2fanart #mw2 #simon ghost riley #simon riley #ghost #cod mw2 #call of duty #wip #arc draws mw22 #modern warfare 2 #mw22

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vandergelic-blog · 7 years ago

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RFA + minor trio react to MC being a total party animal or just really hyper loool

Aww my first HC request. >\

Party Animal/Hyper MC

Yoosung:

•This poor boy, you wore him out so much.

•You would always plop yourself in his lap during his LOL matches and flash a smirk at him, while he grunted trying to push you off so he could focus.

“Let’s go out honey~” You would say.

“But we went out last night, and the night before that!” He whined.

So you simply crossed your arms over your chest and huffed. “I’ll just go by myself then..”

Before you could storm off, he had grabbed your wrist and let out a groan. “Fine, we can go out. But let’s not stay too long, please? I have class tomorrow.”

He would literally do anything to make you happy, he’s too pure. Just make sure you give him all the cuddles he needs when you guys get home late that night~

Jaehee:

•Loved how active and outgoing you were. It was a trait she admired about you and something she wished she had.

•I feel like she’d be able to keep up for a little while, not being able to say no to spending time with you.

•But would eventually burn out and explain there are nights where she simply can’t do it. She feels terrible about it but it’s the honest truth.

•So instead of going out into public, y'all just stay home and get turnt to broadway music lol. That was enough for the both of you as long as you were with each other.

Zen:

Despite his hectic rehearsal schedule, Zen loved to go out! It gave him a chance to flaunt his looks when he wasn’t on stage.

Sometimes if you guys were out at a nightclub, you guys were the life of the party.

Just the ultimate couple tbh.

But there are times where he would rather just stay in with you.

Sometimes you guys would throw your own parties in your guy’s apartment with just you two. Playing Just Dance, doing karaoke, and stuffing your face with food.

You guys would even create your own little musicals.

He also loves to go out on a private date with just you and him, because the paparazzi can be too much sometimes.

You two just always have fun together, whether you’re out in public or at home. He loves your energy.

Jumin:

This CEO isn’t much of a partier, but he loves to travel with you.

Questioned your sanity at first. “How is she always so..energetic?”

Nevertheless, there would be some clubs he would go to you with, but would much rather enjoy the nightlife with you only.

Most of the time you would take him to fun “commoner” activities..like rollerskating, or a carnival!

He grew to actually really like rollerskating? I feel like he would be a pro at it, and just be gliding across the rink like it was nobody’s business lmao.

Oh, and when you introduced him to cat cafe’s.. his mind was blown and his heart was full.

“I must open one up in Elizabeth’s name.. it could have rollerskating as well. I could develop rollerskates for cats so they could do it with the guests.”

JAEHEE RUN

This guy loves you and loves exploring and trying new things out with you!!

Seven:

This guy honestly loved to party as much as you did, when he wasn’t being a distant little shit.

Just like Zen, you two would be the center of attention I feel like. You both were just obnoxious and hyperactive.

Y’all usually caused a scene wherever you went because of your shenanigans.

Once you guys got kicked out of Walmart for doing the floor is lava challenge and Seven jumped into the thing that holds all the bouncy balls sending them flying everywhere, while you jumped onto a stack on packaged toilet paper making the whole thing topple down.

Seriously guys what the fuck is wrong with you we can never take you anywhere without causing a mESS

YOU GUYS JUST ALWAYS HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE OKAY

AND HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH FOR IT BECAUSE HE NEVER HAD ANYONE IN HIS LIFE HE COULD DO THIS WITH

BECAUSE THEY WOULD JUST SMACK HIM UP HIS HEAD

OR TASER HIM (VANDERWOOD PLS)

BUT YOU JUST GO ALONG WITH IT!!

JUST THANK YOU FOR BEING THIS GUY’S HAPPINESS AND BEING AS WEIRD AS HE IS CAUSE HE DESERVES IT.

Saeran:

The last party he went to he was fucking brainwashed.

This little guy would be so anxious oh GOD, please be gentle and go easy on him please.

Sometimes your hyper-ness would get on his nerves and he would give you one of his ~death~ glares in hopes to get you to stop.

But you don’t and you just keep on rambling and being a weirdo.

How did I fall for someone like this she’s just like my brother if not even worse why do i do this to myself-

At the parties you did get him to go to, he would just sit in the corner with a dead face like the emo child he is.

A drink in one hand, a cigarette in the other as he watches you bust out ridiculous dance moves in front of him in an attempt to lighten his mood, but all you got was an exasperated sigh.

“imissmyreligiouscult”

sAE RAN PLEASE

When he’s had enough he would say “Let’s go.” in a blunt voice and if you refused he would pick you up and throw you over his shoulder and exit the building, ignoring all your complaints.

To be honest, he would much rather just cuddle with you and talk about random shit.

He enjoys private intimate moments with you where everything is just calm because his life has been so hectic from day 1.

He thought you were adorable and loved how full of life you were.

He would much rather just be in your arms or vice versa.

He would never admit that tho.

little btich

When you said that you liked to go out..he didn’t know you meant..nightclubs and wild parties.

I really don’t think you guys would ever go out and party like that!! Maybe once in awhile but definitely not frequently.

And you would be perfectly fine with that because this guy is the love of your life alright.

Instead of going out, you guys would like to bicycle together! (THIS IS IF HE COULD SEE OK OMG IMAGINE V TRYING TO RIDE A BIKE IF HE WAS BLINDJKS)

You guys would bike around the park or to the zoo or whatever!

Have little picnics with each other beneath a cherry blossom tree and feed the geese in the lakes. Despite the sign that says DON’T FEED THE GEESE.

Would take many pictures of you and the scenery.

You would also do mini photoshoots of him!! He always says he likes to capture art BUT YET HAS NEVER TAKEN A SINGLE PICTURE OF HIMSELF WTF

This dude loves to spend every second of his days with you, would often take you on his trips~

Vanderwood:

This guy wasn’t going out to no damn party where there would be drunk people, sweat and vomit everywhere ok.

HE WASN’T HAVING IT.

Only time he would go out is to get discounted cleaning supplies from Walgreens-

“Wait, what?”

“Bowling?”

“what is that wha t”

So you take him to a nice bowling hangout

Uh MC why do I have to change my shoes???? they don’t go with my leopard print. im not taking off my gloves either its not happening

omg shut up and just do it vanderbaby

he’s scoffing as he puts on the shoes, upset that it’s ruining his ~style~

“So..I have to slide this ball at the pins and knock them down?”

“Can I pretend the pins are Seven?”

After telling him yes he’s literally chucking the ball down the damn aisle

is petty AS FUCK WHEN IT MISSES AND GOES STRAIGHT OUT OF THE LANE

WHAT THE HELL I CAN SHOOT A GUN BUT I CANT FUCKING BOWL

keeps his cool tho, pretends like it’s not even his fault, makes up excuses

“it’s rigged, they slicked the alley with some type of liquid so that’s why my balls keep missing.”

“did u just say… my balls”

“god MC shut up you act like you’re the best but honestly you suck just as much as i d-”

DID YOU JUST FREAKING GET A STRIKE WTF ALKJFKL

Gets super competitive suddenly, and eventually once he gets the hang of it he beats your ass then pretends like he wasn’t even phased

like no he wasn’t even trying man it was just natural, he didn’t become a special agent for nothing

like he would subtly rub his win in your face and console you like you were ACTUALLY upset

“it’s okay maybe next time honestly i wasn’t expecting to win im just as shocked as you, ya know”

god vanderwood just shut up and take me home

anyways he doesn’t mind going out with you, he enjoys it actually but he wont admit that to you either

#mystic messenger hc #mystic messenger headcanon #mystic messenger #mysme #mysme hc #mystic messenger 707 #luciel choi #saeran choi #hyun ryu #zen #jaehee kang #yoosung kim #jumin han #vanderwood #jihyun kim #vanderweek

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jjinomu · 8 years ago

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in regard to tda edits and future plans

soz for another text post i had a long day n ive been thinking about things a while back i stated that after i do a gakupo edit, then i'll cease shitting out tda edits and i feel like!!??? i might need to explain why a lil bit (dw i changed my decision to end my tda streak but i'll address that later)

keep in mind im not trying to shade people or be a dick about things, it's just a dump of my thoughts and reasons in case ppl were like ????

also long post because its my 12am thoughts again and u know how i am, i like to ramble about really weird shit at 12am

edit: in case u don’t actually give a shit about anything that i’m about to start rambling on, i stated at the bottom that the wedding apocalypse is back on again so i’ll reply to everything tomorrow hehe (and i’ll still do tda edits, but they’re no longer my main priority anymore)

i listed it because only assholes list their reasons for being assholes and I'm an asshole for being like this

1. i have too many tda edits obviously gotta poke around other areas and by areas i mean my own scratch stuff

2. ive grown a lot more sensitive over my tda edits as of recently as well (including my old crap) which isn't something i do very often (I'm also not even 100% sure y I'm like this suddenly it’s like IAB all over again except I'm not an ignorant, flaming, hyper-agitated 12 year old anymore)- probably a side effect of mass rule-breakage and then people giving me the "i dont understand your rules so i edited and unlocked them anyway without asking you to reiterate bc that seems totally logical in my tiny brain." that shit gets to you

3. main and probably the most realist reason why i reached the decision ive made: (this is gna be kinda sad-sounding almost but wateva just tda edits yo)

as people may have realised (especially if you've stuck around since probably the beginning of this blog) i've spent a few years developing my own style of tda, that still remains recognisable as tda but is still personalised enough for my own tasting and aesthetics, whether people enjoy my own stylistic preferences is up to them (as a lot of you do and i totally and utterly appreciate that)

nowadays with my flunctuating rules and the fact that some of my old models were editable or some models i've given people permission to edit OOC or whatever, i sometimes see an odd face edit of mine or my stylisation of Tda hair or my textures or whatever appearing on models and i don't actually mind or it doesn't concern me in the way ur probably thinking (like im not fuming mad or overly depressed about it) especially since i often take it as a compliment because people just like my style and adopt it and i think that's super sweet- but basically, in simple terms, i, especially as of recent, feel like i've lost that satisfaction of those years of me developing, experimenting and perfecting this tda style, my own personal aesthetic style for myself, to others- yknow wat i mean????

i guess in even more basic fundamental terms, i don't feel "original" enough anymore and my style and the hardwork i put into said gross style has vaporised and i can't continue doing these edits as much as i'd like to???? because i almost feel like it's been "stolen" i guess (harsh word but it's kinda like that in a sense).

i don't mean that to sound so cruel and full asshole, because it all boils down to literally my own fault for being loose at first and then being super sensitive later on (hah weird euphemism) and as a result, i've kinda "lost" my "mojo"

i mean i can still do tda edits but sometimes they no longer feel like they're mine or a total waste of my time- because heck anyone could take my face edits and make their own tda edits- and i sort of lose my motivation due to that dilemma (especially for the past few weeks, the only reason i was shitting so many tda edits was because i just had no internet- but it’s taken me longer to do (not even complete) the tda edits i currently have showcased than i usually do bc i just feel so......... yknow.......) as i don’t want to do something someone else has done (hence was the drive for me to do my own tda style in the first place, a mainstream model style with a unique aesthetic that’s different so i don’t match the other 1829310283 tda mikus or kaitos or meikos and i’m still free to do whatever i feel like doing without that strong kind of guilt- in a way)- but like i said, when someone does something i haven’t done..... especially if they do it in my style- then it becomes some weird existentialist crap like “who am i even”

idk what im saying but basically because of these three points- i decided to stop tda edits after gakupo (a while ago) but DW now i've changed my mind and i'll still do tda edits here and there, especially for more difficult vocaloid designs (as i love doing clothes)- but they'll no longer be my main priority (i.e. if you want to suggest a tda edit i'll more likely not do it, but if you suggest a scratch model- i'll more likely will) especially with uni on top of everything, i'll be more heavily focus on my scratch models and developing my own scratch style- from well scratch- rather than stay looped up in my tda issue and trying to figure out how to constantly change and improve my style so it remains different and unique (and still falling into my own aesthetic), i hope this decision is an ok compromise rather than just abandoning my tda edits entirely (i mean i love my shitty tda edits, they’re fun and quick to do and i feel super accomplished when i finish one in record speed and i like that feeling hehe)

i sincerely hope this doesn't offend anyone (and if it does- i'm really and truly sorry, i don’t mean to- this is just a thought dump and i doubt people are going to read it but i just need it outta my SYSTEM- just keep in mind it's nobody's fault but my own as this is just a me issue that i no longer know how to solve or?? i guess care about solving?? and i appreciate and still enjoy everything- be it people using my models or editing them in my style (alas i'll burn you at the stake if you credit incorrectly though)) but i wrote this up in case anyone really wanted to know my thoughts on situations and i guess- the inevitable downfall of jjinomu lbr- here it is laid out flat in my slightly incoherent, hazy state of truth and drowning sadness

in better news though the wedding apocalypse can finally be returned as of TODAY so i'll reply to everything tomorrow when i'm not exhausted and going though some weird existential crisis

#notmmd #personal #sorry for the long post i just needed it out of my system and now i have wifi again #i can finally do that and word it properly #dw about me though i'll be fine i just want to sleep and not think about this for another day #everything will return as normal especially now that i just have more tda edits than i can handle rn #it's almost like none of these thoughts actually matter bc noone's really going to realise a difference at all #but it's nice to just release my weird emotions for a night #i have so many of these kinda sad talks in my drafts but this is the first one I'm posting because it's kinda important probably

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fair-dinkum-mechanic · 6 years ago

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i dont think any of you should bother caring at this point and im just goin gto ramble and not make any fucking sense at all yet again. my entire life story is written below. Like. my entire fucking worthless stupid disgusting life story that shouldn’t even exist because I shouldn’t fucking exist

it’s so, so , so SO hard every fucking minute of every fucking day to be living with the absolute truth that I’m NOT good enough that I never can be good enough and that I never WAS good enough. Not for anyone, and not for anything. I’ve told this story so many fucking times now but I need to recap and overshare just to put it in clearer perspective in my own mind. I don’t care if anyone reads it, I don’t think anyone will anyway, but its basically my fucking life story and how its all just been one huge lesson that I am literally worthless breathing garbage.

I think the ONLY time I’ve ever had any fucking worth was when I was extremely young. Not that I can remember much from the ages from 0-6. I remember my entire family LOVED me. Sure, my sister was jealous and quite enraged that my mum had another kid, especially since I was unplanned and there’s a good 14 year age gap between me and my siblings, but when I was extremely little everyone seemed to love me. I was pretty shy and clingy, but if I was comfortable around people I was extremely polite and always laughing. I see videos of myself as a really young kid and I see myself in him but it’s just so distant from who I am now. I was gentle and loved nothing more than to make people laugh and entertain them. But yeah, I also threw a few tantrums too. I’m a fucking virgo. Then of course school started, and that’s when my differences really started to show. I was too gentle and too quiet. I wasn’t boistrous and full of energy like the rest of the boys around me. Naturally, I became friends with many more girls and seemed to gravitate more toward the softer, more quiet kinds of things. I didn’t like sports, and I hated loud noises. That started making things difficult for me when trying to fit in, but still, we were all pretty young and nobody really cared at that stage. There was some light bullying but normal kid stuff, nothing that really hit home just yet. I was a little fucking cunt to the friends I did have though. I had obviously been far too spoiled and raised on my own so I didn’t know how to be empathetic and kind to my friends. I was possessive and cruel to them. I remember smacking one of my friends right in the nose for choosing to play with some other kid that I hated for the day. I was only 7-9 at this point though.

My dad was always pretty distant. He had an extremely short fuse and foul temper. I once saw him fighting with my sister to the point of physically grabbing her and makiing her fall to the floor. He took her car keys so she couldn’t leave so she ran to my grandmas house. Once when I was about 5 I was taking too long to get ready in the morning for school and while I was brushing my teeth he burst into the bathroom and snatched my toothbrush out of my mouth and threw it hard at the wall. My sister came out and they screamed at each other because he woke her up when she had the night shift. He’d chased me with shoes, belts, and said all manner of things to me. I was never ever close to him and I don’t really care that much. I care to the extent that because of it I wont’ ever be able to understand a fatherly bond or how that is meaningful to people. He was an extremely hyper masculine person. He used to be a football coach, was heavily into football and women, was extremely homophobic and the like. He wasn’t all bad, but that was the person I knew and saw the most of. Things got quite good for me for a year and a bit. My teacher told me to find new friends and I did, which led me to one of the best years of my life. I was 10 or 11 and I had one extremely close friend called Ben, and we used to hang out all the time. Our families spoke and I got along with his siter and he got along with my family too. We’d have sleepovers all the time and we’d do all the fun shit kids would do like go to carnivals, watch inappropriate horror movies, play games, think that staying up past 12 was a sin, etc. Eventually all the friends I’d made in that time left my school due to family moving or to escape the relentless bullying at the primary school I went to, which I was about to face. I still kept in contact with Ben, but they’d all left the school and by the time I was 12 I was left with no friends at all.

I’m certain that’s when things really started to spiral out of control for me. I would spend lunchtimes walking around the school by myself for the entire hour, trying to make it look like I was going somewhere so the other kids wouldn’t know I had nowhere to go and no one to talk to. Eventually they figured it out though and I became the target of daily bullying. They’d shout out at me that i was a loner with no friends, I’d be picked last for everything, I used to brush my hair all the way across like a hideous combover, and of course I withdrew more into myself and eventually because I didn’t like sports and was quite gentle, the homophobic bullying started. Teachers and my mum tried to push me to get talking to the kids and make friends with them but even when I tried I couldn’t say a single thing right. They’d always make fun of me whenever I opened my mouth. I remember telling a ghost story while everyone else was and for the rest of the day the entire class of 30+ kids crowded around me laughing and pointing, some poking me and the teacher did nothing. When I finally told them to fuck off I was sent into detention for swearing. When I approached teachers they would get frustrated and tell me that I should’ve told them sooner. I would be pulled up on the smallest misbehaviour and punished because I was isolated and alone so I stood out. I think the lowest point for me was when I went to speak with kids I’d been trying to make friends with for an entire year and they turned around and asked me if I wanted to hear a song they made. And It was about me, how ugly I was, how gay I was, and how much of a loner and loser I was. I had to stand there and watch these girls do that as the boys laughed. That’s one of the only things from those days that’s really stuck with me I think. The rest of it I’m pretty much over. Of course it still has its effect on me, but I don’t expect apologies or hold it against any of the kids who did it. I can see the impact it has had on the rest of my life though. For my final year of primary school I managed to find friends again, although the kids who used to bully me were still around and all the homophobic bullying continued.

Mind you, at this stage I had no idea that I was gay. I hadn’t really thought about it. In fact, I was jerking off to women, it wasn’t until later on that I found it out for myself, so being bullied so hard for my sexuality for so long I think played a huge huge role in how long it took me to accept and understand it. Anyway, I left primary school terrified to go into high school like everyone is, but I was kind of hopeful that I’d get there and things would be better. Of course, I was wrong, because I wasn’t prepared for how grown up a lot of the rich kids at private school wanted to seem. Around the first year of high school when I was 13 I drifted away from Ben, which still makes me sad but we’re both entirely differnet people than when we were kids, obviously. He’s a very straight guy and I’m a very gay one. I made another very close friend in highschool though, and this is where I’ll stop saying names because a lot of these people are still in my life. He was also brand new to the school and we lived extremely close to each other. For a while, it was only me and him, two extremely dopey 13 year old kids with horrific haircuts, braces, and breaking voices. By this point my skin had really started breaking out and I can assure you I was still not into sports. Not really the best thing when I was enrolled in a private school known for its sporting elitism. I realised really quickly that things weren’t going to be easy for me there. It really didn’t take long for the homophobic bullying to start up again. It was much, much worse this time though. People would actively avoid me, they would spread rumours that me and my only friend were fucking (he’s another extremely straight guy) and it just made me horrified that he’d ditch me to avoid all that. A girl I’d never spoken to, who was extremely popular, once did one of those trashy “Tag Your Friends Who...” things on Facebook. I wasn’t friends with her but stumbled across the photo somehow, and on the part that said “tag your friend that’s most likely to be gay” she had written my full name, and there was a huge comment thread underneath it with the boys and girls from school saying things like “HAHAHA and what about the science teacher he sneaks off into the storeroom with...”. Even though I’d managed to make more friends, my confidence was fucking gone. I could barely open my mouth in classes. The bullying came from the teachers too, primarily the sports department because they had so much power. I’d be singled out and chastised and was threatened with expulsion more than once for refusing to sign up to extra curricular sports and show up to Saturday morning games and such. This caused extreme conflict at home too, with my dad being such a masculine guy and respecting the boys sport master as he was an ex-state football player. He’d yell at me and resent me and tell me how much better his life would be once I left home. Mum would also fight with me because I was just so adamant to not give the teachers what they wanted. Once I got older around 16 I really started to figure out that I’m not straight. I had crushes on girls, I even dated one for a short while, but we kissed twice and I bailed on that. I’d managed to create a pretty solid friendship circle.For reference sake I’ll make up names for people. I got in touch with one of the girls I was friends with way back in primary school, one of the ones I was a cunt to (Susan), and my Straight Friend from high school (Peter) had a friend of his own who was having extreme difficulties at home and making friends at school (Harvey). I also met a friend online who we used to speak almost every day and she was a real comfort to me and genuinely wanted to speak with me all the time (Karen). I lost a few friends from my younger high school years, but eventually somehow ended up with a group of the more “nerdy” girls. Me and Peter were finally in our own friendship group within school and I was able to throw parties and 20+ people would attend. Of course, I was still the victim of homophobic rumours and bullying in PE from both the jock boys and teachers, but overall It was going okay. I had my first crush on a boy, and to this day I’m not convinced he’s entirely straight, but also he was extremely attractive and very popular so I had absolutely not chance with him in a million moons. We only spoke on MSN and never spoke at school. I was also having minor obsessive crushes on girls as well, but I think that was from my feelings of lonliness and also seeing straight people all over the place and thinkin that was supposed to be me. Eventually, somehow I became extremely close with one of the girls in our friendship group at school (April), and me, her and Peter became a trio of sorts. We were very close with the other friends too, Harvey and Susan and we’d often organise parties and gatherings where we’d have picnics or go places, see movies, or hang out. Eventually the final year of high school came along and I embraced my passion for acting and comedy. Suddenly, almost everyone in the school loved me. They thought I was the most hysterical, valuable person they’d met. I was still withdrawn and compltely unsure how to act around any of them, but eventually I came to it and made a few friends from being more open with myself. I was so closed off and just sure that everyone was out to bully me and I’d become judgmental and bitter, but I’m so thankful I got to know some of those people a bit better. I just wish I’d been able to do so sooner. At home things weren’t going as well though. My dad was diagnosed with a rare lung condition, and my brother and sister had begun to fight quite viciously (both of whom had moved out of home long ago and had families of their own). It devolved to the point where my brother completely shut off my sister and my parents from his life. We didn’t hear a word from him.

Also at this point Peter and Karen started dating, despite her living in NSW and him in SA. That didn’t end well and it caused a rift between them. Karen was also starting to experiment with drugs and argue with us quite often. She also became quite distant after some time. But she’d even come down to visit us here twice.

Peter really started to drown himself in study, and that left me and April. During this time me and her became really close. She was the daughter of two of the teachers at the school, so obviously we couldn’t get into too much trouble, but we had free lessons together and instead of studying we’d sneak off to Maccas for lunch and every week we’d visit a pet store up the road and visit all the animals that we’d given names to. We even went into the city once and brought Disney DVDs and Britney Spears albums. She was the first person I came out to, and I remember it as clear as day because I got a blade of grass stuck in my eye a few seconds after. The last year of high school is when my mental health started to really deteriorate. I felt lonely, worthless, ugly, and extremely afraid. Schoolwork had an effect on me that I’m still not able to fully describe. It drained me of all energy and made me want to cut into my skin just to feel something. Of course this meant that I wasn’t able to provide my teachers the standard of work that they wanted, and they berated and screamed at me for it. I fought back, becasue it’s all I knew how to do, but I was always told I was rude, disrespectful and being difficult. I remember the exact day I knew something wasn’t right in my brain. I was supposed to be in a Biology lesson but I hadn’t done work on an assignment tha was due. I couldn’t front it. I didn’t do it because I couldn’t. I’d sat down and tried and tried but I couldn’t wrack my brain to do it and I couldn’t ask for help because I had shut down. I was walking around school, breathing so hard I could feel my heart pounding in my throat, and eventually I saw one of my good friends who immediately could see something wasn’t right. I didn’t say anything and she didn’t either but she immediately hugged me and all I did was sob and tell her I just wanted to kill myself I just wanted to run onto the road and have the cars flatten me. She took me to my class and explained it to my teacher who was surprisingly very understanding. That teacher from then on made sure to check up on how I was doing with work and asked me if I needed any specific grade and once I said no she undeerstood and said “we’ll get you the passing grade you need, but we won’t push you any further than that, alright?” and I’ll never forget that. It was one of the kindest things a teacher had ever done for me. Her understanding meant so much.

Although, my mental health continued to fail, and my life continued to get harder. I finished high school with very below average grades, and it seemed like most people were over me and didn’t really care. I was also coming to terms with just how gay I was. Which was very. And I hated the fact I’d never been in a ~~~real~~~ relationship. Lonliness was taking me over. April was there for me every second though, and I opened up to her about how I felt. Peter eventually moved to NSW to study there, like he was always going to. It was very upsetting for our friendship group as everyone loved him, and I was so close to him for such a long time that not having him around constantly was going to be really, relaly hard. Luckily I still had April and all of my other friends who wanted to hang out and see me a lot. Harvey, Susan, and my other new close friend Talia were all there. Susan and Talia both went to study art at uni, and they both got put in the same class. They didn’t know each other too well but I was very excited for the both of them to get to know each other, and eventually they stated to get along really well!

Me and April only got closer as the first year out of high school went on. She would catch the bus to my house and we’d hang out and do fuck knows what. Anything we felt like. Sometimes she’d stay the night, and she’d always be there to help me set up for parties or through difficult times. We’d speak over skype almost every night and we did so many things and spoke about so much stuff that I can’t even think of many things off the top of my head to list becasue there’s just so much we did. It reached the point where there’s not one thing she didnt know about me and I don’t think there was one thing I didn’t know about her. When we played truth or dare at parties we could answer for each other, and we were communicating with silent looks.

Still, my depression was getting worse. My lonliness was getting worse. I was desperate, horrificly so, to find a boyfriend. I got in contact with a boy I met vaguely through an old friend who did youtube. I started practically harassing him. Messaging him every day, getting so sad when he wasn’t as intersted in me as I was in him. I confessed my feelings multiple times and never took the hint. I was just too desperate and it was making me even worse. Susan went to school with this guy, and she didnt’ like him (like most people at her school) and when a night came that I was going to make an attempt and messaged my friend Talia about it, having her talk me down and thanking her for it, I was terrified. Anyway a week or so later I had a party at my house and Susan came to help me get ready. I’d invited Talia but she said she wasn’t coming. Susan handed me her phone for some reason and it had been left open on her mesasges with Talia. I saw something along the lines of “I can’t come tonight I’m far too annoyed at Marc for that.”. I didn’t say anything and took it to deal with later because I didn’t want to make it look like I was snooping. I’d invited the boy and one of my new friends who was friends with him to this party as well. Susan had messaged Peter all about it saying how he should be happy he’ snot here anymore because I was just feeding this boy alcohol to try and get him drunk and there was absolutely no other beverages on offer. She said how selfish and inconsiderate I was being, and how creepy and uncomfortable for others my relationship with April was. She said I was only depressed because my mum had sheltered me and that for me to get over it I needed to have some real suffering and some real pain. Peter was forwarding all of thsi on to me, becasue he knew it wasn’t true because he knows who I am and wanted me to know that she was saying these things and wanted to hear my perspective. I was annoyed, but April was there with me and supported me 100%. I was able to keep it to myself, and I wanted to try and smooth things over with Susan and Talia. Talia wasn’t speaking to me nearly as much as normal which was very hard because I used to call her one of my best friends. Susan was still speaking to me a bit though, however she seemed much angrier. I messaged her eventually and asked “Hey, have I done anything lately to upset you or Talia?” and she said why I asked that and I just said “I just feel like I’ve perhaps done something to upset you two” and all she said to me was “Talia had a friend who killed himself and my uncle almost did so maybe you should think about that before you say anything. Anyway I have to go now.”

Things just started to boil over more and more and I was becoming angrier and angrier because as time went on Susan and Talia were actively trying to gather my friends and stage an intervention for me to cut specific people out of my life. Those people being the boy I liked, the new friend I’d made and was getting very close to, distance myself from April, and move away from my mum and sick dad. I got drunk at a party and ended up screaming at Susan as she tried to boss me around. We didn’t speak much after that but she messaged me after not speaking for months asking for us to meet up one on one. I told her no becasue it wasn’t just me she had a problem with and it wasn’t juts me that she’d hurt and we should all speak about it as a group. She instantly replied with aggression and denied ever talking about me behind my back and trying to turn people against me (I had actual screenshots of this occuring). She told me I was fake and weak and that I needed to get over myself. Then she blocked me without giving me any chance to respond.

I hung on to anger about this for so long and I’ve only very recently gotten over it. Suffice to say I’ve never spoken to either Susan or Talia again after that, which is sad because I used to consider both of them some of my best friends. Time went on, eventually I got over the boy but I’d managed to make a very good and best friend in the friend I’d re-met through him and she’s still one of my best friends to this day and one who has managed to stick wtih me all this time. I only have positive things to say about her, and if she’s reading this i know she’ll feel self concious that she’s not in this story much but that’s because I’m focusing on mostly the bad parts and the good things in the past that turned bad and she isn’t either of those things and she doesn’t mean any less to me than any of this shit that I’m writing out now. My dad’s health got worse and worse. He was in hospital a lot and he was having immense trouble breathing. During this time I actually met a boy on Tumblr and we began to date shortly after. The problem was he lived in NSW, but it alleviated my lonliness at least and I felt so happy. However it was extremely bittersweet because at the same time I had to keep it a complete secret from my family, which was difficult when our only form of communication was Skype. I had such a horrible, sickly fear that my parents would find out. I would have panic attacks over it and still to this day, even though my mum knows now, it makes me feel ill to think about it. I remember hearing dad downstairs one day, choking and trying to scream out for help. He was rushed to hospital and kept in the ER. He was strapped to oxygen machines for days. Mum was in and out all the time. I spent so much time at the hospital. Eventually the doctors told us in a roundabout way that he was dying, and he was dying within the week. He was fully aware of what was happening, and things only got worse. I sat there as his mind twisted itself around. He so desperately didn’t want to die. He would explode into panic attacks where he would cry and wail. There was no anger in these, just complete and utter horrible anguish. I’d never seen anything like it before, and I just had to sit there while mum was crying trying to calm him down and the nurses had to come and strap him to the bed. Eventually he was so sick that he couldn’t speak. He was on almost 100% oxygen and they had to drug him up so he couldn’t know what was happening. Eventually, the time came where my family told them to turn off the breathing machines, and he died within minutes. It’s then that my brother came back. He felt guilty and was trying to fix things.

Things between him and my sister couldn’t be fixed though. They didn’t speak and there was still so much hatred there.

With dad gone, mum couldn’t afford the house anymore. It was just me and her, so she had to sell it which was horrible and stressful and hard. I was suddenly having to help with all of these grown up things that i never thought I’d have to for at least a few decades. All the while I was being pushed into deciding what to do with my life and sitting on my massive fucking secret.

April was still there through all of it though. Peter was too, but not as much, he was interstate of course. My boyfriend and my new friend were there just as much as April. Harvey was there too.

Oh boy was Harvey there. He and April ended up having a uni class together, and they became closer. This lead to Harvey developing an infatution with her which she relayed to me every day. It led to her having to gently let him down, and he spent a full year hating her. Truly, viciously hating her. His attitude had changed and he was becoming more and more arrogant and self ighteous. Peter’s family had basically adopted him as their own and even they were having conversations with me and April about how horrible he was being. When this was brought to his attention, he only got worse and actively worked to bring down any of us who had a part in saying anything. I had lost all patience with him since I was told of his sexual harrassment, entitlement to women, and selfish comments, and so I was ready to cut him off completely and I made that no secret. Around this time my boyfriend actually made the move to SA, and him and April became roommates. I was absolutely terrified because I was so scared that my mum would find out about it. I was happy to have more people close to me physically, but the terror outweighed it.

April and Harvey continued speaking, although she was very vocal with me about her distaste for him and her insistence that after uni was over she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. That’s why when she told me he’d asked her to go to his house to talk, I wasn’t worried. I let her know she was free to tell him every little thing I’d said and let him know I didn’t care I’d say it to his face personally if I could. Things were never the same after that. I’ll never know what was said, but since that meeting between them, April and me were never as close as we once were. She started ignoring my messages, ditching events with me and our other friends to go and see him, actively berating things that she knew I really enjoyed amongst other things. It planted the seed of something I never thought I’d ever see between us, a lack of care and even irritability. Things got worse and worse and eventually we weren’t even friends anymore. Not just not best friends, we weren’t even friends. She was seeing Harvey so often, speaking with him all the time, doing things that we used to do, all the while Havey was making life hell for me. Punishing me in ways only a silent manipulator can. I tried to reach out and tell people what was happening but nobody believed me and I still don’t think anybody does. This only made it worse. I became angry because April had never had any reason to distrust me before, and I didn’t know why Harvey was that reason now. Eventually I cut her off, I didn’t think she was the person I once knew and I didn’t think she even liked me anymore. I felt pain whenever we spoke or saw each other. I wanted to reach out to my extremely close friend, somewhere in her and beg and plead with her not to be taken in by Harvey’s new manipulative tricks. It was too late though. I failed her, and I’d tried so fucking hard. He was still trying to get back at me though, in every way that he could, and she was enabling him to do that because she was still a aprt of my life. I had to cut her out no only for my own safety but for the safety of my remaining friends. Now I’m at the stage where I am now. Everyone left in my life has tried to leave me because I’m too much, and whenever it happens I can’t handle it. I think the moral of my life story is that I’m not, have never been, and never WILL be good enough for anything or anyone. Aside from when I was extremely young, barely walking, I haven’t been worth anything. I’ve just been a disappointment, someone to cut off, to dismiss, or to push aside. I have tried everything to be better and worth people’s investment, but it never works. I know even now those who remain close to me, all of them, are thinking about ways in which they’ll cut themselves off from me, knowing that it’s healthier for them. My boyfriend travelled overseas without me without any regrets, while I felt crushed and alone because it had always been my dream to travel with a boy I loved and who loved me to special places to see it together, but I realised I’m not worth that to anyone else. He broke up with me because even after all of these things I’ve been through my walls are absolutely rock hard and impossible to break through, and I can’t let anyone in or let anything out. He only took me back because of how unstable and volatile I am. One of the only joys in life I have left is my cat. I truly love her so much because she’s the only one who has been with me from start to present through at least the end of school shit that happened. I know she’s only an animal but to me she’s the only one I can open up with and be completely comfortable around. I am so thankful all the time that she’s with me. I know I’ll never be worth anything to anyone, and I’m finding it so fucking hard to trust again. I don’t see the point when all my days are empty and I know that once life takes away from me what I have, I’ll be ready to die. My mum still cares for me. She drives me to work because I can’t do it myself. She cooks, she washes, she helps me with things i need to do. She’s older than most, and she wont be able to do those things much longer, and I am very close with her. My emotional distress is going to become too much on top of the material support I’ll no longer have.

My cat, is a cat and as such has a much shorter lifespan than me. She will die and I have no idea when.

There is nothing for me to live for past these things. Every other person who will be in my life past those things has told me, shown me, or let me know in other ways that they will not be around in any significant way, and I know it’s because I am worthless and awful. And I can’t count on myself because all I want is to fade away. So that’s what I will do. Fucking novel. Nobody cares about my life enough to fucking ead all of this anyway lmfao.

#extremely personal #longest fucking post I've ever written #long post #like FUCKING long post #I hope the read more worked for you

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survivorcordillerablanca · 7 years ago

Text

Episode 1 Confessionals

This is an interesting tribe. I feel at a bit of an advantage being that I am already in games and at the same tribe as some of the people on my tribe right now, I just hope this doesn't turn into a total fuck fest.

SO, My BFFL Ryan is on my tribe and im so excited. I know i can trust him with everything. I'm literally meeting him in 3 weeks irl so yeah lol. DO NOT EVER SEPARATE US. Anyways, I know jordan pines from India survivor and he's ok. I don;t think i'd ever trust him, but i have nothing against him. I know he pretty pushy in games. I know Jay because he's host me like 2 or 3 times in tumblr and that's scary because he saw how i play and how dangerous my connections and social game can be. Hopefully he takes it as well she's trustworthy so i'll work with her. Who knows. I know Jay and Jordan knows Ryan and I are friends too so that is dangerous. Ryan said he knows emma and can get her with us so that be baller. I'm going to try to make some more friends.

AAAAAAAAAAAAA. It started. Right away I felt a connection with Eric, Carson, and Zachary. I'm hoping I can be more strategic in this season than in Azores. Hoping to find myself in a majority alliance soon. Also all the returning players on my tribe are so good like 1st, 2nd, and 4th. Go them! Hope that they can teach me some tricks at how to play better.

I love my tribe! Jay n Luke n Emma n Jordan are my faves so far also

Okay so i'm back as one of the eight returnees, and i'm excited. I placed second in Bahamas, and i'm planning on making it to day 39 again but this time... actually winning. HOW ICONIC. WIG! Regarding like game-related talk, i'll just go through a first impressions type thing and just ramble I guess. So first, we have Bryce. He's someone I didn't know prior to this game, but he is a returnee. I kind of clicked with him at the start... and I do kind of want to have this unspoken truce between the returnees for the most part so that the newbies don't gather together and pick us off one by one. I don't have much to say about him to be honest. Carson, another returnee. I REALLY love Carson, and i'm glad we're reunited. We have only ever played one game together, and we weren't on the same side (he voted me out at final five rip). However, as he's one of the few that I know, i'm really excited to actually work with him. In addition, he's really social with me and I feel like our conversations aren't at all fake, but more genuine, and I like that. Charlotte. We are in two games together, this and Kuang Si (TS season). Although I don't think we're super close right now, I do want to work with her for various reasons. I trust her to an extent, and she is a returnee as well. However, i'm a little threatened cause she is a winner and she seems to do really good in various survivor orgs, so that's something to watch out for. Chris. I talked to him not once. I think i'll worry more though when it's appropriate, but he's definitely on the outs for me. Perhaps he talks to others more though. Next is Eric. I knew of him before this game started, but not really. We are, like Charlotte, in two games together, but we're not working together in either. However, I do like him and maybe him and I will forge a bond, but i'm not expecting much. I'll probably just try to make him a puppet of mine (it won't work likely hehe) Katie. Katie is my favourite newbie. Like, entirely I don't know her AT ALL, but she's really social and I like that. She's also competing hard and putting in effort in the immunity, which is respectable. I feel like she's someone that will go really deep in the game, so I would like to work with her but i'll probably try to get her out early jury. Lastly, but not at all least, is Willow. Her and I have a little history. She flipped and betrayed me in a game, but then again I never spoke to her so aJSFDKGFl. I know all my friends LOVE LOVE LOVE her so I am wanting to work with her all the way. I will die for her tbh. She's a sweetheart and I think her and I connect. Overall, I think im well situated with the cast, but you never know! Whew

Wow hi this confessional is long overdue but I've been super busy but I have some time let's GO! I'm just gonna do a tribe analysis because why not: Adam: I've probably talked to him the least out of everybody but what conversation we have had has been nice. Nothing much else to say. Emily: Jordan says that he thinks he could potentially get her to work with us which is cool. I talked to her a little bit and idk she seems kind of difficult to talk to? Like the conversation all felt very weird to me but I guess we'll see how that goes. Jay: So Jay is a winner like me which is great because I was super nervous about being the only returning winner on my tribe so it's comforting that he's here but I think out of the two of us that I'm the winner that's more likely to be targeted. I think an alliance between me, him and Jordan is in the works so that's fun. Jordan: Okay so Jordan seemed super stoked to see me on this tribe since we haven't played together since Westeros happened. He immediately proposed an alliance of me, him and Jay with Willa on the side which I am fine with because we would have the numbers to at least tie a vote if it ends up being returnees vs. newbies but we'll see. Jordan also asked for a final 2 but I'm not going to the final 2 with Jordan, no way. He thinks he can trust me but I'm going to be the one holding the knife behind his back waiting to strike. Lexi: Lexi seems lovely! We talked the first day and the conversation flowed really well and she seems awesome. Jay says that he thinks Lexi could be the key we need to avoid a tie vote at tribal council because he hosted her in India. Since she is also a winner of an ORG I think we could rope her in since the newbies might see her as a threat so we'll see. Ryan: I haven't talked to him much, he seems nice and our first conversation was about food which is my greatest interest so that was iconic. I think I'd be interested in working with him down the line but we'll see how that goes! Willa: WILLA! I think Willa is awesome, I just hosted him in Forbidden Forest and whilst he didn't do well, I know how he plays because I hosted him. I also think that my connection with his boyfriend Kai will be enough for him to trust me. He already said he wants a new Kai that can be social for him and I offered up since I'm British and about as close to Kai as you can get since I was accused of catfishing as him lmfao. I think I can use Willa as a number more than anything. PS: this confessional made me realise how much i say "we'll see how it goes"

I have nothing interesting to report yet. Everyone seems nice so it won't be fun if we have to vote someone out this week. Hard pass.

I WANT AN ALLIANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was picked a lot for the draft- nice.

I wasn't picked at all for the draft- sad.

Being that I want an alliance and I really don't care if I do bad because it's just a game, I am going to be straightforward and completely different from how I played previous seasons. Hopefully it works out for me, but I want someone who I can trust as much as they can trust me.

I'm back!!! yeah. basically, everyone i know is on the other tribe which is really ugly but its fine i guess i can make new friends/relationships/etc. i used jessy to bond with katie, so we have each other's backs, also i know zach from other games so i obv asked to work with him so we can work together and take over!! [8/30/2017 5:07:00 PM] zachary rae: is this the carson [8/30/2017 5:07:07 PM] zachary rae: like the carson that voted me out in las vegas and RUINED my dreams [8/30/2017 5:07:17 PM] carson: god... [8/30/2017 5:07:18 PM] carson: SDKJSDJK [8/30/2017 5:07:23 PM] zachary rae: ASJFKDGF [8/30/2017 5:07:26 PM] zachary rae: a tragic memory [8/30/2017 5:07:29 PM] zachary rae: how’re you long time No seeeeEe [8/30/2017 5:07:30 PM] carson: don't bring up las vegas that's ugly [8/31/2017 4:19:38 PM] carson: DSKJSDKJSD I KNOW [8/31/2017 4:19:39 PM] carson: i guessed [8/31/2017 4:19:41 PM] carson: ichinca?? [8/31/2017 4:19:44 PM] carson: i think its called [8/31/2017 4:19:47 PM] carson: we have to like... [8/31/2017 4:19:55 PM] carson: separate which ones are valid and which ones aren't god [8/31/2017 4:20:10 PM] zachary rae: so i just pick a random town or campsite [8/31/2017 4:20:12 PM] zachary rae: and "search" [8/31/2017 4:20:37 PM] carson: yeah [8/31/2017 4:20:40 PM] carson: and its once per round [8/31/2017 4:21:19 PM] carson: also idk if this is too quick but i know u and trust u so do u wanna work together kdssjk [8/31/2017 4:21:38 PM] zachary rae: oh god this idol gonna TAKE FOREVER [8/31/2017 4:21:42 PM] zachary rae: and AJSFDGK yes [8/31/2017 4:21:52 PM] zachary rae: i dont know like anyone really either and im aware of u so like [8/31/2017 4:21:55 PM] carson: god YES skjska [8/31/2017 4:21:55 PM] zachary rae: obviously im ont going to vote u out [8/31/2017 4:22:01 PM] carson: i wont vote u out either <3 [8/31/2017 4:22:03 PM] carson: I'm worried about [8/31/2017 4:22:08 PM] carson: half returnees half newbies [8/31/2017 4:22:19 PM] carson: like i feel like they could just team up?? but i don't rlly know the otherreturnees dskjsdkjs [8/31/2017 4:23:06 PM] zachary rae: AKFSDLG [8/31/2017 4:23:11 PM] zachary rae: yeah i like the returnees for the most part [8/31/2017 4:23:15 PM] zachary rae: like charlotte [8/31/2017 4:23:22 PM] zachary rae: but im also worried that the newbies will team up too and [8/31/2017 4:23:23 PM] zachary rae: yikes [8/31/2017 4:24:29 PM] carson: yeah I like charlotte/Bryce but sKJSDKJ [8/31/2017 4:24:36 PM] carson: i feel like I'm too into it i don't wanna eb hyper strateigc [8/31/2017 4:24:53 PM] zachary rae: yes yes i talked to bryce too [8/31/2017 4:24:56 PM] zachary rae: they seem nice! [8/31/2017 4:24:57 PM] zachary rae: and ASJFKDG [8/31/2017 4:25:04 PM] zachary rae: dont worry i literally am here ot have fun so like [8/31/2017 4:25:10 PM] zachary rae: if u wanna strategize im all ears [8/31/2017 4:25:14 PM] carson: I KNOW i just wanted a fun experience bc when i played [8/31/2017 4:25:17 PM] carson: challengers vs champions the main ssn [8/31/2017 4:25:19 PM] carson: i got way too into it [8/31/2017 4:25:24 PM] carson: and didn't rlly have fun?? [8/31/2017 4:25:41 PM] carson: but we gotta make up for las vegas so lets do this bitch sdjsdjk woo. those are the core 2 im planning on working with, but i definitely like bryce and wanna work with him. i want a returnees alliance just so we dont ge tpicked off, so that forces me to work with charlotte who i dont.. hate?? idk im still getting a feel for her. so, that leaves eric/willow/chris. willow sends like.. super long responses which i kinda wanna vote her out just so i dont have to send paragraphs to reply to someone, but she at least talks and is fun to talk to. chris talks the least out of those 3.. we've barely talked but i just used me knowing jenna/adam/jenn to bond with him bc he played egypt. hes ok?? i should talk to him mroe i guess. and eric.. idk i dont really like talking to eric. it sounds mean but its just the truth hes not that fun to talk to and ehes just rlly naive i guess. but i do know him from other places so i feel like he WOULD trust me. so, between those 3, my order of voting them out would probably be.. chris > eric > willow which is fine i guess?? i kinda like this tribe. also willow said compared to others i talk a lot even though we've had like 5 conversations, and i forgot that side seasons arent supposed to be as serious, so i gotta tone it down!! but.. still in this seaosn i wanna try controlling/doing good/etc in stuff and not be a wishy washy bitch. as well, in this scavenger hunt... im not as much as use with these items so im hoping our tribe does better. eric isnt rlly helping that much so if we lose, i think i would go after him over chris PURELY bc it would be easiest to rally other people against, so im hoping we win so i dont have to do that! also, i dont wanna get hte most or the least, so im gonna try and use my social game to keep me in a good place as of now, and form bonds with the returnees+ katie.

At least I'm not first boot like robbed Zoe.

So, we won by a landslide. I mean, I would consider it a landslide. It kind of sucks that they had two people not submit for them though .. it puts them at a huge disadvantage. Thankfully, Ulta was here to Play. So far everyone seems nice enough, which I've said before, so I don't really have any thoughts or anything Problematic to say. Stay Tuned. PS: Earning 193 points on my own might put a target on my head... but I'm hoping time will show that I am a flop and this was simply a fluke.

Ugh I'm doing so bad socially. I only click with carson I need to step it up. But i send messages and they give such disinterested response but ill be persistent

whats a Cordillera

#NotAGameForLapdogs

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