#anyway does it eventually stop or is this gonna keep happening forever

[areyoudoingthis]

I'm so tired of having a mental breakdown every time a totally random and normal thing happens that could have been easily fixed by asking my parents for help

[ezra-editss]

Just watched X-men Apocalypse. What the hell.

Okay, so I kinda have a take on all this and idk if that's just how it feels to me, but that's what I wanna know. (I don't think this actually happened, but it's the vibes it is all giving)

So it started when I told my mom about First Class (keep reading I'm gonna get to apocalypse eventually) and we came to the conclusion that it feels like they wrote the script, looked at it again and thought:

"Hmm, this seems pretty gay.. Erik and Charles both have no female love interests and they have those lines that seem pretty romantic. Also, Erik seems almost obsessed with Charles at the end with how overprotective he is. Let's fix that!"

And then they gave both of them a kiss with a woman they weren't interested in and added the line "We're brothers, you and I" and then were proud of how well they "saved" it.

And then they made Days of Future Past and didn't even think of it, but when it came out they saw how people were shipping it and then they were like "oh shitt"

And in the first hour of the movie, I thought they were just doing all of this stuff to "erase" any potential gayness people thought there was and wanted to make sure nobody got the wrong idea about the recent movies. But it was more the reminder they like women, before the EXTREME GAYNESS in the second half.

(This is getting so much more unserious than initially intended💀)

Anyways, Apocalypse.

Either I missed something or Erik settling down and HIDING makes NO SENSE. In the last timeline it was 100% clear that he'd never stop believing in what he did, he would never stop fighting his war. So yes, this is a different timeline, but there is no reason given why he suddenly decides to try Charles way. He failed in Days of Future Past and Charles let him go, but there is no way that's enough. And they played this off like that isn't the thing they both wanted since forever and never seemed possible. Being on the same side. Erik switching to Charles side is insane, why wouldn't he talk to Charles in all those years then?

I can't believe they threw away everything that IS Erik, just so he had a reason to be angry enough to join the guy.

(They also died in such a weird/lame way)

And Charles and I still don't really know her name😭.. I have to admit the scenes where Charles was nervous were cute, but that's just because Charles is adorable. But in First Class she was obviously only there for the plot, in Days of Future Past, she wasn't even mentioned and in Apocalypse, she was, again, only there for the plot. She literally doesn't say anything the entire movie after the beginning. She has like two lines. And in the end fight, she's just standing there. And then Charles makes her remember and the flashbacks are soo bad, BC THEY HAD NO MOMENTS. (Especially bc you can compare it to Erik's flashbacks, we're gonna get to that)

(I don't think I have to say it, but to be sure. I have absolutely nothing against straight couples. I don't care if it's gay or not. But if one of them were a woman, I wouldn't be writing this. I just hate how often they prefer to write a heterosexual couple that has no chemistry at all instead of making the two guys/girls kiss.)

Let's talk about the ending. Sometimes when I talk about this stuff I'm a little worried that I interpret things wrong bc I want it to be like that and I'm not being objective anymore, but I was proven right so many times in this. When Mystique and Erik kissed in First Class, it felt really weird to me because Erik obviously had no interest in her. (I suppose it was to show her she's beautiful) And that was pretty much proven right when she talks to him and he barely reacts to what she's saying. I also thought that he probably didn't know Charles was dying, bc he wouldn't let that happen. Then Mystique says "Charles" and suddenly he does show a reaction and when she's gone, he has those god damn flashbacks. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS ISN'T A ROMANTIC PLOT?😭 and then the specific one of Charles turning away and leaving him. (Could be a metaphor for Charles giving up on him) THAT'S WHAT GOT HIM.

And they make it even more clear when Mystique is dying and Erik doesn't react, but when Charles is dying, is when he steps in.

Ending was cute, but damnn the "you can make me do anything" was crazy.

(This turned out soo long, I've never been so obsessed with something.)

[kelogsloops]

putting this in the tumblr ask box bc idk where else to put it 🕺 does anyone even read these still

anyways i just woke up but i had a dream and you were a big part of it- i don’t want to say it was a nightmare or like a bad dream but like basically in the dream you announced that you would be quitting art and like retiring ig? it was for a few reasons but in that moment idk i just realized just how much you have had an influence on my life- you know that saying “you don’t know what you have until you lose it”? yeah…

honestly at first when i woke up i was so ready to call it a nightmare, like “oh my god?? you?? leaving?? forever?? noooo!” but as i’m sitting here awake now i realize eventually it’s probably gonna happen- maybe not in the way it was in my dream with you making a whole like announcement video and wiping your accs, but maybe quieter. i wonder if it’ll be that you stop making art, but i find that hard to imagine. i think it would happen slowly, less and less posts as the years go on. in my head even if you stop posting it, i’d think you’re still creating, making art for simply the sake of such. but then i think about how silly that thought is though, i don’t know you outside of your social media bubble. i don’t know your life and what happens there so to even assume something so quiet is pretentious of me. 

like i said, at first i thought it was a nightmare, i can’t bear the thought of you leaving one day- especially for the reasons you gave in my dream it was like “i gave up, arts getting too much for me, and things are so competitive now no one wants my art anymore…” blah blah blah. it was all my own stress as an artist manifesting onto you i think- but anyways i hope that should the day ever come where you do end up leaving your socials and whatnot, i can only hope that it’s out of your own accord and you do so because you want to, not out of pressure or anything like that. like i’m not saying i want you to quit or anything, but what i’m saying is if it happens i just hope it’s something that you chose on your own. i just don’t think i could ever stand that happening though without letting you know how much of an impact you’ve had on my life. 

i found your art when at a very developmental part of my life, so your work wether consciously or not i think has just become like a part of my brain wether conscious or not haha. whenever i go to draw even if i don’t explicitly go to look to your work for inspiration, it’s still there i can see it. it’s like just unconsciously ingrained at this point. but more than that though the whole idea of like “brb chasing dreams” and whatever and the whole idea that i feel you impart every time you share pieces of your journey as an artist to just keep going, i kind of stole that mantra for myself and started to tell myself that as well. even at my lowests, i’m still trying to follow that dream, even lost and i don’t know what direction i’m going in there’ll always be that dream as an anchor almost.

thank you for all that you’ve shared and thank you for being the biggest inspiration in my life. i know that’s quite dramatic to say, but i mean it in full honesty. whatever the future holds for you, i hope it’s kind. i hope you live a long life chasing all your dreams where at the end of the day, you’re happy. thank you. 

waking up to find a message like this in my inbox has me feeling t e a r y. it's reading stories like these and hearing how my work has impacted people that makes this all feel so surreal sometimes. the fact that people would even care if i stopped making art one day or just disappeared is crazy... i'm very fortunate!

i've resigned myself to the fact that sure, one day (but hopefully never) i won't be able to pursue a professional career as an artist anymore, but if there's one thing that i can promise, it's that there is no reality in where i stop making art!

i don't know if i show it enough, but to each and every one of you who have been part of my journey so far, thank you from the bottom of my heart. it's messages like these that pinch me and remind me how it's all so worth it

forever #brbchasingdreams

[wannabe-minion-of-chaos]

It's five in the morning I haven't slept and I come bearing a Chaos Theory au scenario. Prepare for angst

So hear me out here, hypothetical episode of this fictional show, it starts relatively normal. Chaos and Mysterion are doing their usual back and forth, Chaos and Disarray having some kinda plan and Mysterion trying to stop them, a normal Tuesday.

Until it isn't, a freak accident happens and Chaos accidentally kills Mysterion, idk let's say he accidentally shoved him off a building or something, it can't be anything too gorey

So in this au, Mysterion's powers basically work as they do in tfbw, the only exception being how he's revived. Every time he dies his soul is ejected from his body, becoming basically a ghost, and he has to either wait for his body to heal or completely regenerate to re-enter it and revive himself. And of course everyone would forget him dying as soon as he enters it again.

But back to the plot, Mysterion at first is just sort of annoyed I guess, not really upset at Chaos because who hasn't killed him at this point? And he's just gonna come back anyways so he's just gotta wait which is boring.

That is until he sees Chaos's reaction

Chaos is...not okay, despite all his plotting he never means to KILL Mysterion, hell he enjoys having to fight him, his plans wouldn't be the same without the vigilante coming to try and stop them!! Hell Chaos never means to kill ANYONE, he's a menace not a monster!!

At first he just thinks Mysterion is knocked out, trying to wake him up. Then he panics, realization slowly seeping in on what he's done, Mysterion is dead, he killed Mysterion. Disarray at this point makes his way over saying they have to go before someone finds them, it's very similar to his reaction when Butters froze Cartman in that one episode.

Eventually he's able to guide the now hysterically sobbing Chaos back to their evil lair™ (it's basically the same storage thing in canon just a bit bigger), Chaos is clinging to Mysterion's body like a lifeline, as if letting go would lose him forever.

Mysterion is...shocked to say the least. I mean he didn't expect Chaos to enjoy killing him or something but he's never seen someone care this much when he dies, let alone get genuinely worked up over it. In a way it's relieving someone actually cares but it's still hard to watch, even if this is his arch nemesis feeling this guilt and remorse over killing him. And he can't really do much of anything about it since nobody can see him in this state.

Disarray has no idea how to comfort Chaos at first, barely even being able to process this death himself, before he gets an idea. After convincing Chaos to let go of Mysterion he decides to go full mad scientist mode and try and reanimate him. Much to Mysterion's annoyance. Stop fucking with his body goddamnit he needs to get back into it!!

Throughout the episode Mysterion would keep trying to get back to his body only for it to be conveniently whisked away and he has to go follow it again. Some shenanigans ensue there providing some much needed lightheartedness.

In the end he probably just normally revives causing both Chaos and Disarray to forget, which of course is a bit more impactful to Mysterion given Chaos's reaction and how that's just erased now. But he does know at least someone would care when he dies now so that's a little closure.

If you made it to the end uhh thank you for listening to my sleep deprived rants (and please send me asks about other episode ideas I have so many of these/nf)

[rei-does-stuff]

I FINALLY DID IT!! I caved and made my first Squirrel and Hedgehog fanfic!!

It’s about Geum dying, fun right?

Since it’s a bit long it’s going under the cut but please do read it and let me know what you think!!

Haah…Haah…Damn it! Of course this would happen! Geumsaegi’s mind was a haze as he kept running. Where? He had no idea, anywhere away from where he was before he supposed. He was in so much pain, blood pouring from the gunshot wound in his chest. That’s right, He was shot! Mulmangcho shot him…He thinks that at least. Why…Why can’t he remember? Why was everything so blurry in his head?

All Geum could hear was the sound of his footsteps against dry leaves and his heartbeat echoing in his head like a drum. Was he being followed? For some reason his body wasn’t letting him do anything but run forward. Run, just keep running and it’ll be fine! He told himself, It’s gonna be fine…It’s always been fine! He’s been in worse situations and managed to get out and save Flower Hill right at the end! So why did it feel like the world was ending?

After what felt like hours his feet caved beneath him. It was a field, it looked similar to where Juldarami gave him chestnut cakes…Juldarami…Where was he? Was he still in Flower Hill getting treated? Was he okay? Geum still couldn’t believe he took a bullet for Bamsaegi…Bamsaegi!

Geumsaegi’s mind raced. Did he get him out of the gas chamber? Everything was such a blur now. He couldn’t be dead right? No, he’d remember that, surely, he wanted to get up, to check to see if he was alright but his body refused to move. Paralyzed!

Panic filled his head, his breathing got even heavier and his heartbeat sounded so goddamn loud. C’mon move! Move! You have to get up! You have to check on Bamsaegi! You have to make sure he’s alive! You have to save Flower Hill! Get up! Get up already! GET UP!

“Quiet. Shhh, quiet. Please…Calm down. It’s no use.” He heard a voice say, soft and soothing in a way yet…Familiar? Who was that…? It sounded like…

“Do you not remember me?” Goseumdochi! But he was dead? How—

“I am dead…I’m not actually here I’m just well…I guess I’m just you! Your head in a way, funny, isn’t it? The things our brains can do.”

If you’re here…Does this mean I’m gonna die?

“Probably. It was gonna happen eventually. You couldn’t stay lucky forever.”

Lucky? I wasn’t lucky, I was better. Better than the enemy.

“I find that hard to believe with the amount of times you almost got caught before, if you were really better then there would be no close calls at all.”

You don’t sound like Goseumdochi.

“Well that’s on you. Your brain clearly thinks it’s something he’d say.”

Silence, Geumsaegi was silent. He couldn’t lose hope, couldn’t listen to this stupid part of his stupid brain. His comrades would find him! And then everything will be fine—

“No one is coming Geumsaegi.”

Why are you trying to diminish my hopes? They will come!

“You know they won’t come. You don’t even know where you are. You’re losing a lot of blood, you can’t even move. No one is coming to save you Geum, and even if there was you’re too much of a liability. It’s over.”

It’s not over! Shouldn’t you be helping me calm down instead of this bullshit?!

“I’m trying but I need you to understand the reality of the situation.”

What reality? That I’m gonna die alone or something?!

“Sort of. Yes.”

Well aren’t you just a ray of sunshine.

“It’s not a bad thing…I died alone.”

You died defending Flower Hill! You had all of us behind you!

“Not really. I didn’t even really defend Flower Hill.”

Sure you did! You stopped the weasels ice canon!

“Sure but they had another plan anyways, really I just delayed things a bit. So did you.”

What are you trying to say?

“I mean, you’re just like me now, you didn’t stop anyone. Just delay things until the next soldier comes in to replace you.”

I wasn’t replacing you, I was finishing the fight!

“And you clearly failed. Now what? Juldarami is gonna take over? Bamsaegi if he isn’t already dead? But it won’t even matter because they’ll die too.”

So what? It’s all for nothing? Is that really what you’re trying to tell me right as I’m about to die?

“Well you always knew it. But it was just easier to keep fighting, to keep believing.”

So it’s all my fault then? I was just stupid enough to think I could make a difference?

“Well it’s not entirely your fault, you were manipulated, we all were. The commanders sure know how to talk. It’s so easy to think they’re helping everyone, that they’re better leaders than you could ever be.”

I messed up. I was too trusting of Uncle Bear.

“The commanders could’ve stalled the weasels for quite a while, but they chose to wait to teach you a lesson. So you could step down and join the army as retribution.”

…

“Hard to swallow isn’t it?”

I hate you.

“You don’t mean that.”

I do! I hate you! I’m gonna die and all I’m gonna hear is that everything I believed in was wrong and that I’m gonna die alone and no one is gonna find my body because I’m in the middle of goddamn nowhere!

Tears poked Geumsaegi’s eyes. He swallowed back a cry from his throat.

“It’s okay Geumsaegi.”

I wanna go home.

“I know Geumsaegi.”

I wanna see Juldarami.

“I know Geum.”

I wanna see Bamsaegi.

“I know.”

…I can’t really feel the gunshot wound anymore.

“Talking helps, doesn’t it? Even a little.”

I won’t make it, will I?

“No. You won’t. But it’s okay, you won’t be in so much pain anymore afterwards.”

I was really happy before this you know? Before I joined the military, I couldn’t even think about hurting anyone. But it’s so different now, I don’t even recognize that person from back then.

“Yes…It’s like you were two different people.”

A good person and a bad person…If there’s an afterlife do you I’ll go to hell?

“It’s a possibility. Do you think you’re a bad enough person for Hell?”

I killed a lot of people. I thought just because they’re weasels that they must be bad but…I didn’t really know. Those nukes, they probably hurt a lot of innocent people.

“Probably. And you were celebrating.”

Shit…I am definitely going to hell.

“You won’t be the only one. So you won’t be alone at the very least.”

You’re not helping.

“Sorry.”

…I hope Bamsaegi is okay. I hope he lives, gets to become a scientist like he wanted. I was a terrible father.

“He might try to follow your footsteps out of revenge.”

That scares the shit out of me. Why did I tell him all that stuff?

“You thought you were doing the right thing.“

And look where that took me. I just wish I could apologize, do better.

“At least you’re admitting it.”

Yeah, way too late.

“Better late than never.”

…

…

…

I’m really tired.

“Sleep.”

If I sleep I’ll die.

“I know. But it’s gonna happen either way, might as well do it on your own terms.”

But everyone else…It’s all gonna be so much worse now.

“You have to hope they’ll realize. They weren’t as intense about these things as you were.”

Yeah but if I die they’ll want to take revenge.

“Perhaps, or maybe they’ll realize how badly they’ve been tricked. You don’t know, you won’t know. So there’s no point worrying about something you won’t be able to control.”

I just wish I didn’t have to be alone for this.

“Then imagine you aren’t.”

It’s not real though.

“It’s not, but not much of your life has been real. What’s one more lie to help you sleep at night gonna do?”

Geumsaegi sighs and closes his eyes. Goseumdochi isn’t there anymore. He’s in bed. At home. It’s nice. A calming feeling washes over him, yet he still feels so tired.

“Geum! Geum! Wow you’re practically knocked out!” He hears a sweet voice say. It’s Juldarami, he looks happy. “Is dad sleeping?” He hears Bamsaegi say. He’s okay, he looks happy too.

“Guess he had a bit of a rough day, haha!” Juldarami laughs. He always loved his laugh. “It’s alright Geum, go to sleep. We can all talk in the morning.”

That’s right, they can talk in the morning!

They can talk in the morning.

In the morning.

In the…

In….

…

.

.

.

A pair of soldiers follow a trail of blood, and find a corpse by an open field.

A wild duck soldier frowns. “Oh, looks like we were too late.” He says.

“Damn,” the hedgehog soldier adds, “He was our best soldier too.”

[narzissenkreuz-ordo]

u kno im in deep with an oc when i already have complete narrative writing itself in my head

im trying to avoid anything that may or may not happen during the penacony questline bc ill have to adjust it in the end anyway

but i got a better feel for aster's character (while making a hot pocket in the kitchen at 1 am):

dead!aster = dead friend who shapes my OC's identity

fake!aster = my actual OC, who is just referred to as aster to other characters

dead!aster probably had some sort tragic background where their entire planet just [insert bad thing where dead!aster is the sole survivor] and is living afterward in absolute despair before becoming nihilitypilled.

and moments afterward theyre just like 'no im not accepting this' and goes through the process of radical acceptance and is constantly trying to find some sort of good or beauty or wonder in the terms of 'oh [insert dead family member/friend here] would have liked these flowers i will appreciate them in my friend's honor'

so by the time dead!aster and fake!aster meet, dead!aster is pretty kind and gentle

while fake!aster, before all this. is a pretty jaded memokeeper. she is not a cremator at all but is like 'when someone dies their memories are kept alive by their loved ones. but there will be a time eventually that not even the living will remember this one person. we are preserving these memories but theyll just sit here.... forever'

they were probably on their way to becoming nihilitypilled herself but the two eventually does find companionship in each other. trying to find a way to bring meaning back into the inevitable process of being erased once the living no longer can remember you

but then ofc dead!aster dies and fake!aster is abt to fuckin spiral out of control right into IX's empty void before coming to the realization that she can keep dead!aster's memory alive forever if she just wears their face & identity and can carry out their goals on her own

the timeline of dead!aster finding meaning in living for others and on their own death fake!aster does the same thing for them, in her own fucked up way

so i think it would be neat, that fake!aster wearing the skin of dead!aster covers up the fact that theyre a memokeeper. theyve probably deflected from the garden of recollection by now. but its fucked up and kinda manipulative that she fronts as this unassuming character but she can literally store and preserve memories. theres nothing stopping her from just Knowing the memories of those she comes into contact and feigns indifference

she is sure gonna gaslight gatekeep girlboss everyone on penacony [looks at aventurine]

[avalanchesumich]

mastermind!au

november 16

cam was deep into her book when someone knocked on her door. she looked up for a moment and decided to ignore it and keep reading, up until the person knocked repeatedly likw a mad man.

cam rolled her eyes and jumped down from her bed after marking her place in her book. she walked to her desk and grabbed her pepper spray. slowly she opened the door, and she so desperately wanted to slam it shut.

“taylor?” she gasped. “what are you doing here?”

“i came to see you of course,” taylor grinned. “you being my favorite sister and all.”

“i’m your only sister,” cam grumbled, watching how he peaked around cameron to look into her dorm. “i told you to tell me when you’re coming. he isn’t here, stop looking.”

“what kind of big brother would i be if i didn’t come unannounced?” taylor shrugged, walking into her room. “so where is he?”

“he’s in class,” cameron answered, smiling slightly. she did miss her brothers.

before taylor could respond, there were three knocks on the door before gabe entered.

“babe, you won’t believe what happened in class today…” gabe cut his sentence short upon seeing the boy in her room. “oh, uh, hi,” he said awkwardly. he looked over at cam, who mouthed an apology.

“hi, gabriel,” taylor nodded. “do you always let yourself into my sister’s room like this.”

“um, no,” gabe lied, swallowing thickly. “not usually.”

“taylor, don’t be a dick,” cam rolled her eyes. “ignore him, gabe.”

“how about coffee?” taylor offered. “on me? i’d like to get to know your boyfriend, cammy.”

“cammy?” gabe raised his eyebrows, watching as taylor opened the door, waiting for the two of them to follow.

“never call me that, gabe, i swear to god,” cam warned, glaring at taylor. “i’m sorry about this. if i had known he was coming i would have told you. i promise.”

“i know,” gabe nodded with a soft smile. “can you hurry up and put some shoes on. i’m already nervous, i don’t want to keep him waiting.”

“its just taylor,” cam rolled her eyes, but did as her boyfriend asked nonetheless. “he’s gonna like you. he can only keep up the scary big brother act for so long, you have nothing to worry about.”

gabe didn’t say anything, but waited for her to grab her keys to lock the door behind them, allowing her to lead the way.

taylor was true to his word, he did pay for the coffee, declining gabe’s polite efforts to pay, and glaring at cam, who told also declined gabe’s effort.

gabe had to get back to campus to work on a project with a classmate, but taylor stuck around for a little longer, him and cam walking around.

“so what’s the verdict?” cam asked quietly, kicking a pebble as she walked.

“he’s not half bad,” taylor shrugged, laughing when cam jammed her elbow into his side. “alright, alright, he’s got my stamp of approval” he said. “ease off, i’ve got games this weekend. you still coming to the home game?”

“yeah,” cam grinned, excited to see her brother play for the first time in a while. “me, val, and timmy are driving up.”

“good,” taylor nodded before clearing his throat. by the sigh cam let out, he knew she knew what he was about to bring up. “you’re gonna have to talk to him eventually.”

“i talk to him everyday, taylor.”

“you know what i mean,” taylor scoffed. “not the hi how was your day texts like you guys just met. he misses your ridiculous updates that no one asks for, but we all love anyway. he misses you.”

“no one looks forward to me saying i bought another overpriced coffee,” cam ignored the rest of what taylor said.

“sure we do,” taylor nodded. “he does, cammy. he lives on the other side of the fucking country. i know it doesn’t seem like it, but he’s being a dick of a brother because he cares about you. he feels guilty for what happened with brian.”

“he knows it wasn’t his fault,” cam whispered. “and he needs to move on. i did.”

“call him,” taylor demanded. “as soon as i leave. hash it out.”

“can you stay forever?”

“cameron.”

“okay, geez,” cam rolled her eyes, ignoring the burning sensation they had. she blinked the tears away as they neared the parking lot. “see you saturday.”

“see you saturday,” taylor smiled. he wrapped his little sister into a big hug, it beinf the first one in months.

“drive safe,” cam said, pulling away.

“i will,” taylor nodded. hjs eyes drifted behind cam, and he nodded. “call cale.”

“i will,” cam nodded, turning around to see gave waiting. she gave taylor one last hug before she departed to meet gabe on the sidewalk.

“hi,” he smiled, throwing his arm around her shoulder. “how was it?”

“good,” cam nodded, leaning into him as they walked away. “missed him.”

“i know you did,” gabe nodded, pressing a kiss to her temple. “what’s the plan now?”

“right now, i’m gonna call cale,” cam answered quietly. “it’s time to deal with it, i guess.”

“atta girl,” gabe whispered encouragingly. he wasn’t aware of the full extent of the makar sibling argument, but he’d been trying to get her to figure things out with cale.

“we’ll meet you and the guys at the dining hall for dinner?”

“yeah,” gabe nodded as they came to a stop outside her dorm building. “text me when you’re on your way. and when you get to your room.”

“i will,” cam laughed. she leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek before making her way to her room.

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

Hey bestie, can you write me some Dave x Karkat fic? 💖💖💖

(I don't feel like putting that in the main tag and not the kurloz tag for some reason, sorry guys)

Dave, I'm gonna be real with you, I do not actually know who this Karkat is you keep making up.

It would be very funny if these things were the same person.

1.

There are some days when the world feels like it is spinning. These are days you are not in control of them, either. You are just there on the spinny spinny planet being spun along, and one of these days the world will stop. Then you will stop. Then it will not. You will not stay still forever. The Earth has a memory of how to keep itself spinning, like a computer that needs to run an application, but it's out of power now and the application is in the middle of a crash. If the Earth stops spinning, it will not spin again. It will just be still. Which is fine. Except when it does not start up again.

But today is not a day where the world feels like it is spinning. Today it feels like it is not spinning, and spinning away. And that's kind of nice. You are not spinning; you are the Earth, and so the Earth has you.

You know when you should leave the house, because the planet will start spinning soon. You are going to see your friends, if you're not already late for something. If you leave the house before you are late, the Earth is always late. If the world stops spinning soon, you'll be late anyway. But if you are waiting to see people, you are still here, and that's okay. The world is spinning so hard that it will just stop. It is spinning away from itself and away from you. And then you'll be free, and you'll have more time to see the people you want to see.

It's nice.

It's not nice to be a planet.

It is nice to see your friends. It is not nice that you cannot stay in the same place. It is nice to touch the ground as you walk. It is nice to feel gravity and know that the world is spinning. It is nice to know that it will be spinning soon.

When you spin, you are aware that you're going to stop. But it's different to know. And you're okay. You have this. You have these people and these memories. You have the spinning earth in your mind and your heart. And maybe you're scared to let it go, and you tell yourself that it's just spinning, it has always been spinning, it will always be spinning, and so it's not going to stop. But it does. Eventually. Maybe it spins forever, and there's nothing you can do, and it's okay. You can still say goodbye and touch the ground, and feel the earth against your hand. You can do those things as it spins away from you. And as long as it's spinning, you get to go home, and so you have to go there.

2.

There are only a few ways for the world to be, in the end, and they're all kind of terrible. You could be a human, with a house and a spouse and a friend. Or you could be a person who knows someone who used to be one of the other things, and then you meet them, and they go home, and they go into the house, and it's spinning and they never get to leave. Or they're just spinning forever, or they spin forever but spin faster and faster and there's no way to tell, or they spin forever but they go to a house and a person and no one will ever see them again. It can happen in other ways too. Or it can be all of these ways.

But you don't really think that. You think that none of them are the end, or even very terrible. None of the things are the end, and none of them are really that great. You know people, you go to their house and maybe you know that their house doesn't spin. But maybe it used to, and now it doesn't. Maybe they go to their friend's house and it used to spin and now it doesn't. You think there's not much difference between knowing that their house is spinning, and knowing that their house is not. Maybe knowing that their house spins does not even give you as much consolation as you think. It does not take the pain away. That person can still go to their house, and they will have some memories, and they can try to spin it again, but it won't work. It may not even feel like that. Maybe it feels wrong, like their old house is the wrong house, even though they are there, and even though their house spins. The whole house is a wrong house, and they're a bad person in it. It's okay to know that. Maybe they feel like the spinny house isn't really their house, that they don't belong there, or that they don't fit, even though they do. You know that maybe they can come home, if they want.

The house doesn't spin, or their house spins but it can't be right. Maybe the house spins and it spins so fast you can't see it. Maybe the house spins and when it spins you get vertigo, and dizzy and you have to lie down on the floor and just watch it. Maybe it spins away and you miss it. Maybe it spins out and it never comes back, and your house doesn't spin anymore. Maybe your house never spins at all, never in your life, or maybe you grew up somewhere else, where they never spin. Maybe the spinny house wasn't right for you, and the right house was a different one. Maybe your house was a spinny house and you never knew, even though you had always lived here. Maybe you are a spinny house in a different land, with someone who has never heard of a home that doesn't spin, and a person who is scared to stop.

You think that maybe one day you will go home, even though the house spins, and you will see the people and go to your room and maybe you will spin it. Maybe you will spin it and your mind will spin and spin and spin and you will spin it. You will spin your body around and around until you stop. You will spin your mind and the Earth will spin, and you will be done. You will spin forever and spin faster and faster and slower and slower and slow. You will spin until it stops. You will spin and you will spin until you stop.

You will spin forever and you will spin until you stop. You will spin forever and maybe you will spin it fast, until it stops spinning and you will spin and spin. You will spin forever and you will never stop. You will spin faster and faster and spin forever and spin forever until you stop. You will spin, and spin, and spin, and spin, and spin. You'll spin forever, and you'll spin until it stops. And you'll spin. You'll spin until it stops. And you'll spin and you'll spin and you'll spin, and spin, and spin, and spin and spin forever until it stops and you'll spin forever and spin, and spin, and spin forever. And you'll spin forever.

You

[moth-yknowtheartist]

w. wait

you have LORE ????

okay so I want you to read this post as if I took a long, deep breath and then said this all within that one breath because I think that is the appropriate way to experience this

.... SO it starts with me making a silly post about how people could ask me like anything and I'd answer it including the question of how I thought I'd die and my friend thief DID ask me that one and it was very funny and then my OTHER friend asked me "how will you live" and I joked that I'm never gonna die I'm gonna live forever ahha!! and then it was pointed out that that line doesn't end well usually (puppet history reference), I made a molasses flood joke (puppet history reference), and THEN. the CATALYST happens.

PEEPS @freakingpeepseverywhere CANONICALLY DROWNS ME IN MOLASSES AND I CANONICALLY DIE.

this turns into a funny joke (AT FIRST) where (as a puppet history reference with like the substitute and everything) I pretended to be myself but Wrong. then a whole character started to develop with them and turned into a virus-infected imposter robot of me that is dead set on destruction and killing Peeps. Theif @foundthethief and Gale @marine-beats are playing into the bit right and it evolves into Gale being roped into the murder plot under the pretense of "making music", and Thief being on-and-off threatened with murder as well and eventually becoming an opposing force to the imposter moth, referred to as "moth" at this point. this is also where the Divide By Zero thing starts because Thief tells "moth" to divide by zero. they break for a second. They are not pleased.

Peeps herself is plagued with guilt, and branches off with her own lore currently exploring the OMORI-like headspace where everything is perfectly fine and cool and isn't it cute and Nothing Is Wrong and Peeps is just a little busy being Consumed By Guilt.

Two new cryptic figures appear as well: The Scientist and The Traveller. The Scientist (from @watcherwatts) first makes an appearance speaking in binary in "Moth"'s inbox, offering assistance, which "Moth accepts, and the two begin working together on Projects. These correspondences are what first fully tips off Gale to the fact that Yeah This Is A Straight Up Murder Plot, but due to death threats and technical difficulties from "Moth", they're a little bit trapped in the situation Oops lmaooo.

Then there's The Traveller (@andrewryder ) who makes their appearance by asking about Hatsune Miku which seems normal enough but Oops they might be a bit of an interdimensional traveler capable of learning impossible amounts of information from a person just by asking them innocuous questions. they also have a strange connection with weird supernatural books, with one of them having soulbound them to Andrew (also @andrewryder) and makes it so that if one of them is hurt or dies they BOTH experience it. Andrew is like. Normal. Also has TERRIBLE LUCK WITH BOOKS THAT KEEP TRYING TO KILL THEM

anyway The Traveller and "Moth" form an alliance. This is right about when the Chess Metaphors begin I'll get into that in a second

This is about when this Funny Haha Bit spiralled OUT OF CONTROL COMPLETELY. WHAT YOU THOUGHT ALL THAT WAS A LOT? HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA FUNNNYYYY FUNNNYYYY HAHAAHHAHA NO. NO THERE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE THIS IS WHY I HAD TO MAKE A DISCLAIMER AND PIN IT TO MY PROFILE.

Gale has his own lore bit for a while on @aquatic-paint with asks oh fun!!! this is where "Moth" chooses to torment him a bit anonymously (this becomes important later) and Thief attempts to try to figure out a way to stop "Moth". They propose a plan to Gale, making an imp's bond, but Gale is a bit Split emotionally and these plans fall through. "Moth" is pissed when they find out about the potential planning and have a back and forth with Thief. This is about where "Moth" decides they Very Much Want Thief dead.

meanwhile, The Traveller does his funny Traveller thing and Extracts Obscene Amounts Of Information from people, particularly with the question "Do you remember being born?" , starting with Gale. Gale resists and the Traveller introduces the Fate book, which Gale doesn't yet open. Instead, they make a deal to answer the question and therefore reveal everything about themself if the Traveller agrees to not harm them in any way. The Traveller agrees. Gale holds onto Fate.

The Traveller also asks Thief, and they also have a back and forth that gets on the topic of string cheese for some reason and ends in Thief finally answering the question. The Traveller is able to give this information to "Moth", its later cost being simply making things worth the Traveller's time and also A First Edition Charizard Card. Do you know how expensive those things are? "Moth" didn't. "Moth"'s still trying to figure that one out.

now might be a good time to explain the Chess Metaphors before we get too much further okay so. everyone is represented by a Chess piece, with movements and events being representative of the plot. Here are all the pieces and corresponding People:

King: Peeps, Moth

Queen: The Traveller, (later) Gale

Pawn: Gale, (not yet pictured) Andrew

Knight: Thief

Bishop: Anonymous (a figure only appearing anonymously who uses "Moth"'s earlier anonymity to impersonate them. Their speech is described by The Traveller as "French".), (not yet pictured) The Scientist

Rook: Nat (who "Moth" had a delightful conversation about moths with!!)

The reason I bring up the chess metaphor NOW is that Gale "making it so the other side of the board" and "queening" is a notable plot moment because this is when things start to get Weird for him and he starts to become more and more vaguely human, developing the ability to cause things such as interference with electronic devices, Knowing things inexplicably, and invisibility. These abilities are represented with the color Blue and all essentially manifest almost exclusively as extreme survival responses at the moment. Gale is Jon Archivist coded.

anyway Gale has been mostly playing a Waiting Game with items "Moth" conned them into buying for the murder scheme, and around when they arrive, Gale and "Moth" have a conversation which turns into a lot of mixed emotions and grief and fear of abandonment that "Moth" neither understands nor treats very well, culminating in Gale finally quitting and causing interference which prevents "Moth" from being able to reach him them through their asks. The Traveller then contacts Gale again, prompting them to open "Fate", which gives them some advice, warning, and also knows how Everything Ends. The Traveller also gives "Moth" a book titled "Life?", which "Moth" isn't meant to open until everything is over. "Moth" is Very Pissed about the whole Gale situation and losing their pawn essentially by the way and adds Gale to the kill list!!!!

Meanwhile, Andrew has been at NASA, after previously having been in a sort of resort. The resort was great for her!! NASA IS NOT. After having an experience with a book that Nearly Kills Her (and by extension The Traveller), she speaks a bit with Gale and with "Moth", particularly warning "Moth" about The Traveller. This is when we learn the Traveller exploded a planet once because she got bored!!!! "Moth" attempts to appear unbothered by the warnings, but in later interactions with The Traveller seems to have taken some of them to heart, especially the one about keeping The Traveller occupied.

These factors culminate in "Moth" making the decision to go with the Traveller to retrieve their tools they conned Gale into getting for their murder. Oh, and also murdering Gale. Gale is able to avoid the two because of their new Knowing, and also takes the shovel and crowbar of the murder materials with them as well as draining the molasses, leaving "Moth" with like nothing (except a paring knife they found!! :)) "Moth" is not happy with this. The Traveller is meanwhile having a sillyfun time. Everything is fine!! I'm sure nothing will happen or anythi

The two at least find Gale's Fate book, "Moth" attempting to use it for information (not to much gain) and taking it with them. The Traveller, meanwhile, gives coordinates for Gale's later location good job Traveller you're so cool I sure I hope nothing happens to you or anythi

Meanwhile, Andrew encounters a book that causes him to experience a DNS error and he FUCKING DIES (probably). hey isn't he soulbound to the Traveller doesn't something happen if that ha

On the way to the location the Traveller gave, the Traveller glitches out of existence!! It is Painful and he gives like a whole death (probably) monologue about how this isn't the end and expresses how he's finally feeling something other than numbness and anger as he goes. "Moth" is Very Effected by this, having considered The Traveller like a friend at this point. "Moth" also becomes increasingly frustrated with the Fate book, trying to use it as and after the Traveller glitches out of existence to no avail.

Both "Moth" and Gale make it to this location with a tree and a lake, "Moth" having followed The Traveller's coordinates and Gale seeking water per the Fate book's recommendation. Gale also incidentally activated a little bit of invisibility while fleeing for his life so that makes things interesting!!! The two end up talking, with Gale's invisibility ending up keeping "Moth" from just straight up killing Gale and allowing the two to have an actual conversation that results in them forming a truce where "Moth" agrees Not To Kill Gale for the time being and deciding to work together on hopefully getting The Traveller back. On the way back to Gale's house, the two discuss and decide a name for "Moth" ("Acherontia" from the death's head hawkmoth, "Acher" for short) as well as discuss Gale's whole Blue Stuff and Acher attempting to help trigger their abilities and find a pattern to them (which they do!!! Culminating in Gale causing a level of interference that causes Acher's system to be overwhelmed and need to restart!!!).

meanwhile Andrew and The Traveller are enjoying a movie that is basically a reflection of their own lives and ummmmmmm uhhhhhhh the movie theater might be the afterlife a little bit!!! Oops!!!

and so that's about where everything is with the lore currently this is all from memory so I probably missed a lot but like. Stay tuned for when I relearn HTML solely to make a wiki for this to host on Neocities LMAOO

[auspex]

I wanted to send in an ask for the in-character ask meme for mark but i couldnt think of anything, so instead i ask you to ramble about one of the things regarding mark that makes you lose it! Stuff you're totally so Normal about in a Lying way!! It's so fun hearing about that stuff as well as WHY it makes you lose it, yknow?? does this make sense??? hope it does lmao

k im breaking out this ask cause im doin bad. if you dont know or care about mark dont bother reading htis - i found that sometimes my mark tag shows in the general vtm tag and im sorry.

im so normal about how vampires live forever but also live in constant danger (usually)

on the one hand Mark knows he has eternity

on the other hand he knows that in a few nights it could be his last

but the man lives off denial and so he focuses on the first one.

this intersects w some of his... motivations in interesting ways

for example a main one is who he considers it his responsibility to protect sampson. but ok 1: he is a ghoul, so he'll live forever but does he want to? 2: its a dangerous world so protecting him is a big task and can he do that forever? and 3: what happens if sampson does want to live longer but turns against him either emotionally or in a deeper way? what then.

like basically the situation he's in... can it last forever? probably not. will mark grapple with that fact? No <3 its fine for now cause he isn't even a year in yet but it will be a problem at some point...

another one is serving Julius. so far julius has not asked anything too heinous of him but if there truly is eternity that's not gonna last forever. also, mark doesnt know this, but I Do, that when the pyramid falls, the blood bond may traumatically break but that does NOT mean Julius is gonna let go - only become more coercive, with mark more aware of the shit spot he is in. i am going to go absolutely insane when that happens. mark is gonna have a mc'freakin breakdown and if sampson isnt his friend at this point idk what he will do cause thats the only person in his life who could possibly understand.

Ok and finally just how literally like. ok so. mark struggles against the beast like every kindred does and GENRALLY does well because of a promise to himself after he murdered a guy in hunger frenzy, that once he gets That Hungry (mechanically hunger 4) his top goal will be reducing it and at hunger 3 its one of his highest goals. Like he has to believe he can keep it in check. but with eternity... mistakes happen. like there isnt any way he could prevent himself from ever making a mistake like that again. he is in such denial about it though. and when he fucks up again he'll be forced to accept that it will happen Another time, and Again. itll be so delicious <3 (like the blood i mean what)

Anyways.

mark believes he is taking a long view of things but he truly is NOT. he's just using that idea to Cope. he tells himself he has to settle things in his territory, w sampson, w such and such julius task, then he can sit down, study like he wants to, keep things in check ; but here is the thing. vampire society isnt like that. things are gonna shake up eventually. because you either die fast in one of those shake ups, or you live forever always long enough to see another one.

he is telling himself to just go a little longer, push a little harder, and then he can rest. then itll be ok.

but that might not ever come.

he has to learn some coping mechanisms soon... or have friends. hes not in a place where he could actually step away and get a break.

he's getting there on the friends bit w his coterie mate rose cause she agreed to stop dating Lucky (LOTS OF CONTEXT NEEDED WHY THIS IS IMPORTANT BUT IT IS ) and that meant a lot to him and he'll be more willing to open up to her in the future- but i think that will still require some sort of come-to-jesus moment where hes like. Oh shit im doing really bad actually.

which he is

but if you ask him, he will just say theres a lot going on and he's somewhat stressed <3 omg

anyway thanks @eric-the-bmo for my life

[21ate]

I feel as though you must've spoken about this when it came out, but what is your interpretation of the EMH finale "Introductions" and how it relates to the themes of the audience as an antagonist in EMH as a whole? (If that doesn't appeal to you as a topic, just talk about your interpretation of the finale in general and what it means for the narrative?) <3 Happy 4 years since the finale

wow thanks for the great question!

so, i think that the audience and vinny are very similar in that both perpetuated misery and did so unknowingly. vinny hurt people and we helped it happen just by merely giving it views. those unfortunate enough to go further often met gruesome ends

however, i’m not sure the audience is as much an antagonistic force as vinny is, and that is why it’s important that vinny chooses to give up the camera in the end

sure, we the audience have been “unknowing accomplices” as habit puts it, and yeah…we found entertainment in watching these peoples lives fall apart. we’re enablers as well as a feeding ground for man and habit

but vinny, no matter his intention, no matter the narrative he tries to spin about himself, repeats one simple mistake: broadcasting it for everyone to see

the mere action of doing so dooms everyone. there’s nothing we the audience can do to stop anything. we’re the spawn that just keeps growing, existing for creatures like habit and man to feed on. and they do so through people like vinny

i don’t think vinny learning his lesson after death is meant to be ironic, that it’s meaningless because in a hypothetical next iteration he’ll just forget, rinse and repeat forever. i think this is the only way to begin undoing their curse

see, each time the guys die and enter the candleverse, they retain the knowledge of the life they just experienced. when we first see the candleverse gang, we see the guys speculating about what’s about to happen prior to the the emh iteration beginning

these guys have come from the princeton iteration, so their knowledge of what’s going on is limited by their experience up to that point. which is frankly just a lot of misery and no explanation

except… princeton vinny was told the answer in tape 3. so when he died, candleverse vinny already had a good idea how the next iteration would play out. he knew he’d be responsible

in the morse code video, c!vinny seems pretty nonchalant about everything, having learned he’s the center of so many problems. patrick basically told him that he’s just gonna keep fucking up so why bother telling jeff or evan. he doesn’t care that there’s a cameraman watching them, even seeming to invite it

with this in mind i don’t believe c!jeff and c!evan truly knew the extent of the problem until they found each other again during the emh iteration. at this point they now would know about their roles, and we know they eventually figure out that by watching we are contributing to the problem (the ghost tweet telling us to stop watching, posted by evan and jeff from the candleverse)

thus, i believe that what vinny says about the camera in the end is significant:

“we don’t need it”

evan and jeff (and steph by default) already know that; it’s not something they struggle with. if we believe vin has changed then why include them when he’s the main instigator?

obviously it’s because he’s referring to the audience as well. he’s cutting us off, saying we don’t need to see the rest

this is a change in attitude from the c!vinny we saw back in the morse code video

sure, maybe this doesn’t rectify their problem entirely, but it’s an important step forward. just like any trauma or addiction, recovery is a journey and it starts with admitting you have a problem, which vinny does; and he takes it a step further by swearing off the camera. cold turkey.

man this isn’t even mentioning the implications of the north star but i’ve been trying to answer this ask for long enough so maybe i’ll do that separately

anyways thanks again and pls id love any follow up questions!

[acebytaemin]

ngl when it comes to rejection this is like the worst thing ever but you just have to get through it a few times I think.

like the first time it happens you think you will literally never feel better even tho u like pick up hobbies and focus on yourself again and whatnot and shit sucks and you like cant stop thinking about it then eventually like it just. does get better and u feel better and meet new people and the sting is all gone.

and then the next time it happens and ur convinced ur convinced itll never get better you look back like "oh i did this before and was convinced Id feel like shit forever until I didnt, so Ill just trust that I'll feel better at some point again" and eventually you do. in the meantime its good to have some hobbies, walk outside, start something new maybe, and have a few moments where u let urself feel like shit for a bit then pick yourself up and keep going.

but i don’t want tooooooo i’ve never ever been rejected and i don’t want to start now 😭 my thing is a little specific though bc like it’s already done bc it’s not feasible or mutual so like there isn’t really any point anyway i’m just dwelling a little but!! you’re so right about the distractions I’m gonna do that i promise Pinky promise 🫡❣️

[doctorguilty]

Nightmares

I feel asleep when i got home because I was tired and also started having an awful headache, but I slept so weirdly having weird and bad dreams and waking up a lot and falling back asleep, at one point I woke myself up because I was sleep talking (rare for me but when it does happen I tend to wake up from my own noise) and I vaguely remember I was having a dream where I was talking to someone random, but irl I whispered "you don't have to tell me if you don't want to" and it's weird getting woken up by my own sleep talking cause it's like there's an overlap where I'm still asleep saying it but I'm also waking up and aware mid sentence. Anyway idk it's usually a bad sign when that happens like it means I'm having weird stress dreams

I fell back asleep shortly after and I proceeded to have an awful nightmare, I dreamed I got dropped off at a store and I waited to get picked up but nobody came because they all fell asleep. It was 10 pm when I finally called someone because the store closed and I was just standing outside in the dark. My grandma picked up, I'd woken her up and I felt bad but she came to get me. For whatever reason everyone was staying at my mom's house, so that's where she was driving me home to.

My mom's house is kinda in the sticks irl, not horribly so, but the roads do get scary at night because they're windy and dark which is what I was dreaming about. We had driven SO long we should have gotten there by now but somehow we got lost. After turning around multiple times and seeing nothing we recognized I took out my phone to use Google maps but every time I typed in the address, it would route me to a completely different address. Like it didn't recognize the address and just "autofilled" what it thought I meant but it was unhelpful because I didn't recognize any of its suggestions. In the meantime my grandma kept driving, somehow unfazed and just saying things like "hm. Must've taken a wrong turn. It's okay I'll find it". I tried zooming in on the map and just manually looking but my service was poor and it was difficult getting street names and such to load. Sometimes I just had no service whatsoever and I just had to wait until it came back

In the meantime the road was so dark I was scared of crashing, a few times there was stuff that quickly crossed the road like deer though sometimes it looked like a small child or something and would just disappear into the darkness. Sometimes there was most definitely like adult people jogging alongside the road even though it in the middle of the night and I was scared we'd hit someone.

Any time I could get any coherent glimpse of the map it seemed like we'd gone 40 mins in the wrong direction, I suggested maybe we stop driving and wait until I could finally route us to the address but my grandma just calmly said it's okay don't worry she's just gonna keep looking

We were driving through like, tunnels and shit that don't exist in that area, sometimes we wouldn't see the road and accidently drive off it and like slide down a hill to a lower road. And she'd just keep driving.

It felt like hours and there'd be times where the sun was rising and we could see the roads a little better, but then suddenly it would become pitch dark again. (I don't recall seeing any kind of clock in the dream or even thinking about checking one.) My grandma never seemed distressed by any of this, which made it worse. She just kept calmly driving. Eventually in the dream I began to think I? We? Were dead and this was purgatory. Driving in the dark forever looking for my mom's house and never getting there.

Irl, I'd woken up SEVERAL TIMES, thought "oh thank God that dream is over" like very coherently, rolled over or whatever, fall back asleep, and the dream just continued where it left off in the car. It must have been 4 or 5 times this repeated before, finally, here I am now being like, I don't want to go back to sleep I'm awake I'm not getting back in the car

My head still hurts anyway so I should take some of my prescription medicine. And eat. Fuck

[vencyrus]

i really needed to vent so heres a dumb diary entry about being aro and potentially also being ace but i identify as pan as well as a list of times ive cried in the past 10 years. (unfortunately a very short list) read it or dont, but thanks for listening if you do!

man honestly i didn't know there were still things to find out about myself at 26. thought i was just with my road to self discovery. panromantic/pansexual just felt like it fit.

I spent a huge chunk of my early 20s dating and sleeping around hoping to kind of find my forever person. felt like that was my driving force the whole time, what got me out of bed and helped me go through the motions everyday.

all my friends eventually got partnered up and i saw less and less and less of them. it got lonelier and lonelier as everyone faded away. we like to say we will surely still have time for each other, keep in touch, hang out. those are just pleasantries. we all know them to be lies; we try anyway. eventually it starts to fade until its gone. time to try to settle down. it should probably be my turn for once.

decided to be a bit more exclusive for the past two years and thought i found the one for me a few times. i loved them and they loved me but eventually they decided that i was not enough. to no fault of their own. i was just not able to love them in a way that they deserved.

i never had a serious relationship until i was 24. focused too hard on academics and just partying. maybe if i had actually dated while i was in high school, maybe middle school, i would have had this realization sooner. instead i spent years pining over the idea of spending my life with someone. to love and to be loved. to spend the rest of my life devoted. i want to give someone my everything but i just find myself so incapable of feeling that intensely about someone no matter how much i feel for them.

maybe im not fully aromantic. otherwise i wouldn't have these fantasies in my head. maybe i am and what i feel is resentment. i dont know if i am truly incapable of romantic love. maybe i am, maybe there is a bit of a spark just waiting to be ignited. i dont know. this is all just a foreign concept for me.

i do know one thing for sure. i cannot love someone in a way that they deserve. it wasnt fair to my previous partners and it wouldn't be fair to future partners to treat them as guinea pigs to my feelings.

even now, the random hookups have felt dull now that ive given up the prospect of dating. i put my time into my craft now that i have all this free time and it does serve as a nice distraction to my feelings but they still swing by and hit me like a truck.

i dont cry often. ive cried in high school a total of 4 times. after that, thrice. once now, in my adulthood, when i realized how lonely i am destined to be.

anyway! time to list the times i've cried.

High School

when my best friend, nessa, started dating someone i had a crush on. i didn't actually like them. i just liked to pick a crush every now and then so the girls had someone to tease me about. so i could share cute interactions i had to illicit reactions. it added to the camaraderie but oh boy was i quite the liar. i knew nessa since sophomore year. we instantly clicked. i had never had a friendship quite that strong and i still havent to this day. i didnt actually have a crush on AJ. but i was utterly crushed by the betrayal

when i got hit by a car like a week after the above betrayal happened. i laugh about it now but man was i a wreck. i biked to school everyday. i loved riding my bike. and i loved my bike. that thing got me through a lot and got me everywhere i needed to be. i stick to the sidewalks always. ill use the bike lanes when necessary. on the way to school there is a long stretch of road surrounded with just grass. the bike lanes were sizeable enough to not worry about it. of course, thats not gonna stop people from swerving into the bike lane for fun. let alone the police in their stupid cop cars. had the gall to ask me if i was ok and blame me for swerving into the road. absolutely not. i take this route everyday, i get my sleep, and i stay safe. i was a good kid on a decline but that might have been my turning point. i still hold a distrust towards law enforcement but i feel like thats normal as a POC. but more regrettably, i have never ridden a bike since that incident.

when my brother moved away. short and simple. i feel like this doesn't warrant an explanation. we're twins! unfortunately on very very different paths. it would be insane for me not to cry. he was more in tune with his emotions and i kept mine bottled up and let them out when i cant keep them contained anymore; always when im alone and there wasnt anyone to witness. despite that, he was definitely the stronger of the two of us. he handled his emotions in a healthy way and i let it fester and ruin me and it became obvious to everyone around me. so, considering this would be the last time we see each other in so long, i had to show him i would be okay in the only way i could figure out how; by not being okay in the moment.

off to college. saying goodbye to my mom never really felt real. had a nice little trip with her before leaving then bawled my eyes out at the airport. there are a total of 3 substantial people who have actually seen me cry. mom, brother, and maya. maya doesn't count as much as the rest. i just exploded in class after getting hit by a car, which by the way, yeah, i did in fact still go to class after getting knocked into a massive mud puddle lol.

College

My dog died. i was overseas and i couldn't see him. i couldn't be there for him. that was my little buddy who was there for me when i was in need and i couldn't return the favor. one of my biggest regrets in life. i would never have left if i knew what was to come. that really is the worst thing about living on the islands. we had one surgical vet and if he was out on vacation, you were just out of luck. i mean, i cant blame the doc that much. even if the vet was actually on the island, doubt we could have been able to afford it. he lived a short life but i like to think that we gave him a longer life than he would have on the streets. i still remember the day we got him. my mom said she had a surprise for me. she drove me to a car yard and we spent 30 minutes just looking under the cars. i didnt know what she wanted me to look for but the moment i saw him, i loved him. that was my boy. my sweet sweet boy. that was my Donut.

One sentence for this cuz i gotta move on from this post. Visited my brother in Texas for his air force graduation. Reunion so short and separation once more.

The stupid Bergenfield State fair. I actually don't want to talk about this cuz it pisses me off more than makes me sad. Mental health was at an all time low and i just basically collapsed in the walgreens candy aisle and bawled my eyes out at 2AM.

[hybridbitez]

a thought..

I hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

Why can't you just respond? It's not that hard to do. You hate me anyway though so just block me tell me you don't want to talk to me do it so I can move on and stop being so angry and hurt over this. Just do it I’m tired and I'm already giving up on you because I know you hate me and you only message back every couple days I mean fuck i clearly don't matter enough if you forget that the one site you talk to me on exists!! right?? You fucking forgot about me for a whole month, so do I really matter to you???? Like maybe we should stop being friends, not like you'd care anyway seeing as you don't value responding to me. I mean you say we're best friends but I don't feel like I have a best friend right now because of this is what having a best friend feels i don't ever want one again. I'm so fucking tired and drained from the shit i deal with already so what does it matter, just ignore me and eventually just say you're done, I can't keep trying to make you stay even though I feel like I fucking need you in my life or im gonna die.

Like I fucking idolized you for years now and as soon as one bad thing happens to ME, not even you but just me, you just stop talking to me? I'm sorry if I'm just that fucking horrible for being human for once I can't be perfect for you. First you break up with me because I love to hard even though you said you didn't mind and loved me any way, then you fucking say we may not be friends forever. I would rather die than you leave me. Even now I'm so fucking stupid that I'm still scared you're going to leave me even more than you already have. And I can't stand it, it makes me sick to my stomach to think of you saying you don't want to talk to me anymore. I will let you make me hate life and wish i was dead while you ignore me just because I think you might come back and say you still care i fucking hate myself for that and its stupid as hell but I can't help it. :[

[swords-of-a-soilder]

i will say even as a semi q!Forever fan...I can say with his lore ending up at a stopping point due to his already planned hiatus, it does to me seem actually pretty easy to write him out. Yes, he had more lore/a planned return, but it could have been 20x more jarring. As it is...he was corrupted in the lore and then...suddenly no one talks about him. Could have been worse.

Though I admit I only watch VODs 12 weeks behind and recap/clip vids. Work + adulting not very good for streams.

I actually appreciate a reset/deletion of things if lots of the server members are uncomfortable talking about him/or uncomfortable with the drama it could cause, Q made it a lot easier for them not to. Even if behind the scenes some are still friends, even if behind the scenes, some keep in touch--no one wants to be forced to have to explain themselves. It's their personal lives.

I also think admins like fanfic writers/artists, did have their own grief about plots they had to abandon, but likely at least they had each other to talk to about it and maybe a few of the streamers.

In the history of SMPs...unfortunately having to abandon plots and having BTS extreme drama is...par for the course. One SMP I watched featured a writer for it flipping tf out causing big lore changes because the streamer didn't go along with the romance he showed no interest in the whole time.

I don't agree with you on most points but I will say I've seen the argument that the mare existence of things in the server in realtions to him can trigger bad feelings for people who aren't comfortably around him.

Makes me wonder how cc Philza will feel when he eventually goes through his ablum again like he usually does even 15 or so streams is he gonna avoid it entirely, go though it and not say anything?

If he remove all Forver related images, it'll leave a heavy dent in his album.

And the creators that do want to acknowledge (as a pervious anon stated) but can't what about them?

Like I get the agurment it will make things easier for people who don't want to think about him, I know bagi and Antonio (I'm not sure how to spell his name you know who I'm talking about) activitly disowned him but that's 2% of his friend group publicity stating disinterest while the rest seem to just silently unfollow.

But I'll give the benefit of a doubt it's more than we think, is it worth it?

No like actually is it worth it? erasing changing the story confusing new viewers, to avoid walking past a building you don't have to acknowledge or interact with in anyway?

Is it worth removing half you lore and leaving a gapping hole in your story?

Also I don't consider the admin on the same level of fan artist, they are above us let's be honest. They help create the lore we love so much, they are responsible for so many of the characters we enjoy.

I feel like them watching their work get remove would hurt a lot more for them than someone us who can just choice to draw the character anyways no matter what out belief about them is.

Also there is a possibility of just doing the removal for damage control over the comfortability of players; I want you to think of what happens when you make a complaint to HR about a worker.

They may suspend that worker or move you to a different department away from that worker, but that doesn't necessarily mean they believe you over that worker.

Simply put even if they think you're lying if they don't act after you've made your complaint they could be liable for reputation damage if you decide to publicity bash them, so they may remove the worker not because they believe you but to protect the company.

So it's honestly up in the air why it's being done but how much can they really remove, without ruining everything?

Also while I get not wanting to be force to make a statement these people make content creator their job, you would want your company to make a statement about something as important as such.

they are human beings with emotions yes but at the very least the owner/boss of the server should make a statement to clear the "companies" progression.

Using corporate speak but you get the point I'm Trying to make, when you invited the guys it'd your responsibility.