#anyway cool to try and a fun sunday activity!

[abirddogmoment]

I didn't take any photos but I took Rory skijoring for the first time today!

We did a 3.5km groomed multi-use trail with my (new to me) classic cross country skis. I got these skis off Marketplace last year but hadn't had the chance to use them yet. I'm not sure if it was my ski wax, the snow, or the weather, but I was NOT getting the glide I hoped. We both worked super hard so I let her off for the last 500m so she could run free while I skied.

It was really fun despite the effort! Idk if it'll be a regular activity in our rotation (as rollerblade canicross and free running both mutually easier and enriching activities) but it was cool to try out anyway.

[virocci]

おはよう　みなさん！ welcom back to the blog ppls

i figured i should do a life update once more since its been a good while.

firstly,

i think i wanna try speaking more japanese, im learning it with my school rn and ik that i understand and can speak quite a bit. its just i forget vocab so easily :,) maybe ill start tryna speak/test more in my blog posts :>

game segment *woosh woosh super cool transition*

i bought the $30 season pass for strinova hehe. i went level like 85-87 and then bought it and gave me and extra 25 to complete the battle pass :> idk if im gonna go ahead and do that again, it all depnds what in the pass and if i feel that ill be able to finish it :,)

i also pulled THE HERTA in hsr :> (my last post) but i speant all my stellar jades on her which is soooo sad. i was planning to get jade for her if i got herta early... but i didnt :( i think ill try to farm for jades and to see if i can pull jade :> i reeeeeeally wanna build a herta team hehe. i also still havent built sunday yet... or rappa for that matter. i think one day ill have to sit down and js do allll my grinding lol

also, i havent acc rll touched zzz since i completed the event but ive been feeling and itch to log again so maybe ill do that. im saving to get the vtuber girls and they supposedly are supposed to come out in march SO I REEEEALLY gotta be saving HARD.

also miku in fortnite. i legit downloaded fortnite JUST for miku and am acc lowk thinking abt buying her skin lol. only problem is that both of skins is like 4.6K vbucks and if I were to buy it id need to spend 50$ and i cant rlly afford to do that rn :(

ive also gotten like 10-ish hours into persona 5 :> the point to when your exploring the second castle. :D im reeeeally enjoying the game so far AND I CANT WAIT FOR FUTABA.

game segament done *super cool silly woop woop transition*

this next two weeks i have aaaaall my finals so iv been studying super hard. this friday i have my grade 12 math final exam and omggg im have been studying HARRD. I AM LOCKED IN FRFR. i rlly hope i do well so i atleast wont have to redo the exam when i do the course again :>

also eggrolls (the g u y, refer to past posts lol), COMPLETELY turned away from me when i went to see a friends that has lunch on the same floor w/ him. theres a whole group of ppl there and he eat w/ those ppl since his gf is there. And, my friend wasn't there so i was tryna ask someone ik we she was, and i looked to eggrolls for a minute (HE COMPLETLY avoided me btw) and HIS GF answered saying my friend isnt eating there anymore (or today idk what she said). but either way i found it kinda funny. idk if i mentioned this but i ended up never following him back on his public account, i js thought he didnt deserve it :) also there was a day we were doing some activity in class and he tried asking me for answers, i js pretended i didnt hear him and didnt move (there was also a group around his desk/behind me so it was plausable i didnt hear him) and i feel kinda proud of myself for not budging.

also there was a day during winter break i saw people from my old school when i was out with wifey 2. they were two guys who bullied me and were just assholes to me back in 8th grade. they just made fun of me for watching stuf like gacha and anime (listen i was in a phase back then) and also for wanting to dress more alternativly. acc, everyone in my class would say i was weird cause i wanted to dress differently and less basic (if i may say). that day i was wearing like a SCRUMPTIOUS fit. and after we saw them, i felt so proud of myself for being able to prove them wrong. like it felt so satisfying showing the ppl who put me down for being myself and prove that i executed it SO WELL.

anyways, i believe thats it for now :) i think another life update will have to come after exam unfortuanelty :(\

side note... if anyone actually sees this and reads this its kinda just a public journal :3 i feel i should be documenting more things that happen to me so this is my way of doing so. either way id still appreciate some interaction... i like seein ppl listen to what i havce to say :3

here is a yummy song for chu since you read allllll that :3

[boqvistsbabe]

Update!!!!!!!!

Hey Y’all!!

Here is the start of hopefully monthly updates. I know in my last update I said I was going to be more consistently here and active. Obviously, that didn’t happen lol. Trying to hold myself to that rn. So this is probably going to be the format for all of my update posts, just so they are easier to follow.

Refresh:

So I am almost completely done with the blog refresh. I think all that is left is updating links and getting some other posts (ex: theme days) made/redone. Most of that got put on the back burner due to how long they were going to take lol. But hopefully, over Spring Break, I’ll be able to get those done (no promises, another thing I’m trying to do, is be more realistic about what I want to get done by when so). 

Writing/Other Content:

Ik I said I’d write more. Once again didn’t really happen. Well, I have written a decent bit, but never finished anything. There is one fic that I am going to try and work on after this week (midterms lol) and have someone look over it (the first time I’ve had a beta reader, look at me go lol). Like the blog as a whole, I am trying to organize my writing, like requests and my ideas and what is going out when etc. (@ any of the other writers if you have any suggestions of what to/where to organize my stuff so it doesn’t get all confusing and mixed up you should def let me know). Speaking of requests, I am going to try and do at least two requests a month. That doesn’t sound like a lot but for me, that feels like something I can realistically do. I will be doing old requests first because even though they are years old at this point, I liked the ideas so I genuinely want to write them. I am still going to be accepting new requests (esp because sometimes that helps spark creativity/help with writer’s block so feel free to send in any ideas!!) but I will try to get those older ones done first. As for any other content (playlists, moodboards, IG edits, drawings, etc.) I am also taking requests for those so feel free to send in any of those requests too. 

Another Blog?!

As of rn the second hockey blog has not been “released”. I want to catch up on things for this blog before I throw that into the mix and try to grow that as well. I am hoping to add that sometime this summer. Also, I do technically have a sideblog already (@samistheman) which is normally where I reblog random things, and I don’t really have tags for that blog I just kinda willy-nilly reblog there (it used to be mostly PJO stuff but now that’s kind of here because of how much of it there is lol).

Life Update:

College is a lot rn. I’m doing 17 credit hours and tbh do not know what possessed me to do that. At first, I was doing pretty good, but now not so much. Like I said earlier I have midterms this week. If y’all didn’t know this, I’m shit at taking tests so not doing great rn. Thankfully one of my classes ends on Sunday so at least I don’t have to worry about that. I’ve had a lot going on in my personal life recently that is impacting a lot so trying to navigate that as well. I am moving out in May, which is yes months from now but there is still a lot that I need to do beforehand. Anyway, I’m going to a college hockey game on Thursday and I am super excited. I haven’t been able to go to a game since October. Also little fun update, I’m going on a weekend (work) trip to Boston. Super excited for that. I’ll be getting to go to a Celtics game and a Red Sox game (I’m a Royals girlie tho). I’ve never been to an NBA game so that’s for sure gonna be really cool. I’ve been to many MLB games before but this will be my first at a different stadium. Anyway, I think that is it for this update. Hope y’all are doing well!!

As usual, if y’all ever want to talk dms/inbox are open <3

I am going to tag some moots, I am totally forgetting some people so I am sorry for that (if y'all could reblog that would be amazing)

@2manytabsopen @krugstrash @jimmystrudel @andreburakozy @sidneycrosbyhoe @fallinallincurls @timstuetzle @typical-simplelove @ilyasorokinn @drei-mrssvechii

[purplesurveys]

1850

1 - When was the last time it snowed where you live? Do you like snowy weather or is it just a pain? Uh... Anyway, cold weather is definitely preferred. We're reaching high 40s now and will still go up to the 50s in May, and it is not only uncomfortable but also starting to get very inconvenient.

2 - Are you expecting any parcels in the mail right now? Not for a while. I ordered J-Hope's album but was already informed in advance that I probably won't get it until June since my shop ships stuff from Korea in bulk. Which is fine. With BTS on hiatus I've considerably calmed down when it comes to merch lol.

3 - How long is it until your birthday? Do you have any plans for the day? Like, 363 days haha. I just celebrated my 26th last Sunday, and all I did was watch a Spongebob movie with my sister in the morning, slept all afternoon, then went to my favorite hotel buffet for dinner with my family.

4 - What was the last thing you had to drink? Coffee. The Spanish latte I got tonight had a cracked lid so my jeans are now all soaked.

5 - Do you need to do any laundry right now? Yup.

6 - Who was the last person you got a notification from on social media? Is this person a close friend of yours? That would Alex, just a dude related to work. No, I wouldn't call him a friend but he is genuinely one of the nicest people I know.

7 - Do you regularly buy things on credit? If so, how much do you owe on credit cards right now? No. I got a surprise credit card in the mail a few weeks ago (I say 'surprise' because apparently I said yes when I got surveyed years ago...? then I just forgot about it I guess LOL), but I absolutely refuse to use it. It's not even activated yet. I don't want to form a habit around paying things on credit.

8 - When was the last time you got a call from an unknown number? Did you answer or call them back? Can't be bothered to check when exactly, but I know it was a few weeks ago. I probably answered it because at the time I knew it would be someone work-related calling.

9 - When was the last time you got off work early? What was the reason and did you do anything fun with your extra free time? I don't do that, I always do the full 8 hours. Earlier this month though I did file a morning leave to attend a watch party for Wrestlemania.

10 -  What do you typically eat for Christmas Dinner? Are you the one who cooks or does a family member do the cooking? My family is never consistent when it comes to Christmas spreads lmao, it's always different meals every year! For the longest time it was my mom and grandma who did the cooking; but now that I could afford to treat my family (and can't cook hah) I buy platters and trays of all kinds of stuff so that everyone can get what they want.

11 - What time did you wake up this morning? Did you get out of bed right away? I needed to wake up earlier since I already had a meeting scheduled for 9 AM. I think I started to wake up around 7:30.

12 - Do you have any plans for the weekend? Are these plans typical for a weekend or are you doing something different? Saturday will be for rest as I have back to back events on Sunday. I'd say at this point it is pretty typical for work to eat up what little free time I have - it also comes with the higher role - but I'm hopeful this phase would stop soon. I have no weekend events booked yet for May onwards so that's looking like a good sign.

13 - Would you like to work a job that involves going in and out of other people’s homes all day? (Like care work, painter, decorated etc.) That'd be cool, but I wouldn't know what kind of related job would fit me best. I did always have an interest in interior design – I like trying to look into people's living rooms when we drive by them in the village (but tbh this is also because I live around rich people and they all have super big minimalist mansions lol), and when I was younger all I wanted to do in GTA was to have a cheat code that would let me in people's homes lmao.

14 - When was the last time you had an injury? Was it a minor cut/scrape or something more serious? What happened? Sprained my ankle two years ago. I had one drink too many and ended up tripping in a bad way over some steps on my birthday, hehe... 15 - Do you ever watch movies or TV shows that require you to read subtitles? I mean I like having subtitles around in general. It's obviously helpful when watching foreign-language shows/movies, but even for English I prefer having them turned on because I hate it when actors mumble or have too-thick accents.

16 - What accents are your favourite? Don't have any.

17 - How many people have you texted today? Are these people friends, family members or something else? People I've messaged today, outside of work, would be Angela, Lei, my mom, and sister. 3 out of 4 of these people are family.

18 - Are you any good at DIY? What was the last DIY project you finished? I'm not good at any DIY or arts or crafts, period.

19 - When was the last time you had a haircut? When was the last time you dyed your hair (if you ever have)? Hair cut: Year and a half ago. Dye: Around six months ago.

20 - Do you prefer wearing tight-fitting or loose-fitting clothes? I prefer the baggy/oversized fit now.

21 - Are you currently warm, cold or just right? Is the heating or air conditioning on to contribute to that feeling? I'm quite warm, but it's not as bad as the TERRIBLE weather earlier today. It's evening so it's a lot more manageable, but that's not to say I've stopped sweating because I still fucking am.

22 - What was the last piece of good news you received? Was it expected? Pharmacist licensure exam results came out today and I saw that my cousin passed. Yes, I always knew she was going to kill it.

23 - What colour socks are you wearing right now? Maroon.

24 - Do you prefer hot coffee or iced coffee? What about hot tea or iced tea? Iced coffee, iced tea.

25 - What are some of your favourite Christmas songs? What time of year do you start listening to Christmas music? Christmas Love by Jimin :) Kelly Clarkson also has that bubbly song but I'm blanking out on the title. I usually start to listen around the 2nd week of December, then go into overdrive between the 24th and 25th haha.

26 - If you see cats wandering about in the street, do you stop and fuss them? No.

27 - Speaking of cats, do you own a cat? Are they a particular breed or just a moggie? Would you ever want a specific breed of cat at all? No.

28 - When was the last time you moved furniture around to clean behind or underneath it? Do you need someone’s help in order to do that? Just a few weeks ago. No, it's just a decorative chair in the living room so it's easy to move around.

29 - Do you have any medications that you need to take daily? Is this something you’re going to have to do for the rest of your life? I don't.

30 - Do you know how to start an open fire and keep it burning without using loads of wood? Is this a skill you use on a regular basis at all? I don't know how to start fire.

[usagimen]

SHIPPING INFO. | answer the following for your muse(s) so people know how shipping works on your blog.

what’s your otp for your muses?

Considering Sayuri is an OC it's very up in the air. I do enjoy her with Naoya considering she is meant to be very Zen'in coded in militaristic style. Nanami is a given, you will die from the angst && gladly enjoy it. UhHH Uro, she was so cool, Sayuri would have loved her had it not been a battle to the death && them in the Heian Era together would have went hard. In the right circumstances, Gojo would be interesting but this has to be intensely plotted as the Kobayashi Clan rejects the Gojo Clan with a violence like no other. Hiromi is certainly another person I high key ship her with since it's hysterical he is a lawyer while she is the personification of divine justice. Ask me about cross-over ships then it gets really fun.

what are you willing to rp when it comes to shipping?

I'm a pretty go with the flow person, I do like meatier plots, more in depth things to better entwine the muses together. It's basically we're in this hell together, superglued attach, so tell me what you want.

how large does an age gap have to be to make it uncomfortable?

Sayuri is 27, I cannot see her dating anyone below her age group. She's fine with older partners granted she is made for that type of shipping due to being an old woman in a young body. Otherwise, don't be weird or icky, I will find you thus proceed to maul you.

are you selective when shipping?

Yes and no, I am only selective when knowing my partner feels the same way. Otherwise, continuing to tease ships, go from hot to cold, or make your muse the central theme of a ship is a quick way for me to say thanks but no thanks.

how far do steamy moments have to go before they’re considered nsfw?

If there are nips out on both side, it's time to put it under a read more, thank you.

who are other muses that you ship your muses with?

AHhHHHH oh, cross-over ships I have for her is Cregan Stark, Aemond Targaryen, Myseria, Shadowheart of BG3, Blackwall of Dragon Age Inquisition, Josephine Montilyet.

does one have to ask to ship with you?

No and yes, you can send in flirty things, suggestive things, hell even on sunday idc if we do nsfw. Sometimes it builds to a ship, otherwise, if you want to solidify it and actually become partners, then yes - just pop into the DMs to beat me up or demand we become locked in together.

are you multiship?

Of course but exclusive to one canon, with ocs, you're my friend && we're in this together ~

are you ship obsessed or ship more-or-less?

I do love shipping, I don't like there is a general dislike that one shouldn't be shipped obsessed. Yes, write romantica, erotica, whatever your dreamer little heart desires because it's fun. Just be mindful, kind, and respective that's it. That being said, I sometimes fall into that category cause I too have a soft marshmallow heart. Sometimes my little blob brain is just, hahahahahaha kissies, anyway! that's a good question. My only thing is that the ship is meaty, then I become utterly enthralled by it since there is an actual excitement between both parties. I do not like to be the only active participant in a ship that is trying so hard to make it work, it feels like a waste of time then, so I guess that's how I do become ship obsessed.

what is your favorite ship in your current fandom(s)?

I'm a little freak that'd get pitch forked but uh, sukugo is probably a great love of mine

finally, how does one ship with you?

Just bash the door down via DMS and go: CEREZA HOLY FUCK. That's it, that's all it takes, you now have a rabbit like woman who would die for you.

tagged by: I stole it from @ak4rin💕💕💕💕 tagging: do crime, steal it

[estellamiraiauthor]

The Stars May Rise and Fall: The Annotated Re-read (Chapter 3)

Before I dive into chapter 3, I wanted to give a BIG thanks to everyone who has actually read and interacted with the first two installments of this. (Chapter 1 is here, and Chapter 2 is here, for those who need to catch up!) I was not really expecting this to get any reactions… just thought I’d do it for fun, but knowing that people are actually enjoying this makes me even happier!

Sooo… Chapter 3. This is probably my least favorite chapter (though it definitely wasn’t the most painful to write; that would be 14 and 15), and looking back at the earliest draft I still have a copy of, it sadly hasn’t changed a lot since then (although it used to be Chapter 5, a lot of filler was cut!). Spoilers start below, click if you dare!

The chapter opens with a sort of montage of Teru trying to forget about Rei’s song. I’m actually really curious as to how this resonates with neurotypical readers (if I even HAVE any neurotypical readers?? LOL) because in retrospect, it’s definitely based on something I go through when I find a new “obsession” or rediscover an old one… it becomes literally all I can think about, and depending on whether a new obsession at the moment would fill a void or just get in the way of the rest of my life, I sometimes try to deny it like Teru is. This part used to be a lot longer, actually showing little scenes from his life, but all of that got trimmed down when I decided I wanted to try to actually publish this. Doesn’t feel like much of a loss, though. I think we get enough little snippets of their daily lifestyles by the end?

The first part of the chapter I think does do a lot to establish Teru’s character. Rei calls him and talks about sharing his song with the rest of the band at rehearsal, but Teru isn’t sure that he’s going to. He has the sheet music in his bag, though… so a part of him wants to, but he hasn’t quite convinced himself that he’s going to have the guts to bring it up. A lot of early readers didn’t really like how “wishy-washy” he can be sometimes but… not every protagonist has to be bold and pro-active. And I think Teru does grow and is able to stick up for what he wants when it’s really important later on. He’s just not quite sure whether this is important enough to stick his neck out for yet, which makes sense, since he literally met Rei like a week ago.

So Rei asks Teru to see him again after the show on Sunday, and again Teru feels like he’s doing something forbidden by saying yes… and he is. He’s essentially going behind his bandmates’ backs and being a part of Rei’s plan to turn the band into what he wants it to be, and then there’s the whole “going to a stranger’s house” (like, he KNOWS that’s not normal, I think that’s pretty well established), and then, what he doesn’t even want to admit to himself yet, that he is kind of attracted to Rei… So, yes, very forbidden in a couple of ways.

Up to this point, the chapter is not terrible. I go back and forth on whether I like or hate the line “the seventeen-year-old thrill of his first fuck”. Some early readers really loved it. Some said it was vulgar. I ended up leaving it in because I think he’s both simultaneously equating the forbidden-ness of seeing Rei with the ACT of sex and with the WORD, and very very very subconsciously trying to convince himself that sex with women falls into the same category as smoking (also mentioned as forbidden) and singing for Rei―i.e. something forbidden that he enjoys.

But anyway, it’s the second part that I really… well, as I said, “regret” is a strong word, but let’s just say that if I ever had the opportunity to rewrite this (say, as a teleplay for an anime or something, how cool would that be?), this scene would unfold a little differently.

So, Teru has Rei’s sheet music in his bag, and I think it’s again very telling of his character that he doesn’t actually SHOW it to the rest of the band, but they see it anyway and ask him what it is, and they start messing around with it while they wait for Bara, the singer, to show up.

Now, I think this scene really suffers from the same kinds of issues as Chapter 1, in that I originally was planning to publish this as a Phantom fanfic and was just really, really concerned with hitting certain notes from previous versions of the story. So this was supposed to fill the role of the “Notes” songs from the Lloyd Webber musical, or the letters from the Phantom in Leroux’s original novel. It doesn’t really work here, though, because in both of those versions of the story, Erik/the Phantom had been extorting the managers of the opera house for a LONG TIME, and while the new managers may not have believed all of the stories, people like Meg Giry and Joseph Buquet did… also, those notes didn’t even really WORK. The managers put Carlotta in the lead ANYWAY, even after the Phantom told them not too, so he made her croak like a toad onstage.

In this story, Minori and the rest of the band have no idea that Rei even exists at this point and definitely have no reason to do what he says. I was at least aware that THAT wouldn’t work, and had him kind of cyber-harass Bara instead.. but this is a super weak link in the story, and I know it. All Bara would’ve had to do was call Minori and ask what was up to figure out that it wasn’t him, and who really cares what an anonymous online stalker thinks? It also seems super petty and childish of Rei, and there were just better options.

If I had it to do over again, I’d probably just have Bara walk in as they were messing around with the song, maybe with Teru or Minori trying to sing along, and get pissed that Minori (as far as Bara knew) had written ANOTHER song that was completely out of Bara’s range and skill set. That’s a legitimate complaint―if you’re writing a song for a specific singer you really ought to try to cater it to what they CAN do as a vocalist, and Minori definitely isn’t innocent in their feud if you think of it that way. Since I had already established that their relationship was strained BEFORE all this happened and that Bara is an insufferable diva, that could’ve been enough to drive him to quit.

Otherwise, Rei has access to the equipment at the venue―he could’ve done the electronic equivalent of making Bara croak like a toad or whatever, if I’d really wanted to stick to the original story. Or he could’ve dropped a neon lightning bolt from the rafters and fried him a la Beef from Phantom of the Paradise… but murder is probably even more out of character than random cyber-stalking is. ;-)

I guess what I DID want to establish in this scene is that Rei is very good at A) emotionally manipulating people and B) computer stuff, and that Teru and most of the rest of the band is NOT really computer literate. That ended up becoming less important in edits, I think, but it was partly to stave off complaints like “Why didn’t Teru just Google Rei’s band to find out what happened to them?” (which no one ever actually complained about, and I’ll come back to another reason why he didn’t do what he could’ve done to find out more about them later) and also to just sort of establish how Rei DOES things. It would’ve been very difficult, technology-wise, to basically order everything online and work completely from home at this period of time, but not impossible, especially because he can and does physically go out when there’s no other option, and has Chizuru to actually sign the record deals and things.

ANYWAY, as awkwardly as it happens, the end result is achieved―Bara quits, and Yasu, who was kind of originally supposed to be the “fanfic Meg Giry” of the thing but of course grew into a much deeper and more interesting character (sorry Meg?), gets the “Christine Daae could sing it, sir!” moment―establishing at the same time that this isn’t really out of nowhere. Teru doesn’t really LIKE to sing in front of strangers, but he was known in high school for being good at karaoke.

I also made a point to mention here that Teru isn’t as good at the metal-style screaming as Bara is… this was PARTLY a nod to “I’m a singer, not a screamer!” from Phantom of the Paradise, but also just to set up that in this particular style of music, screaming (at least if you can do it in a vaguely musical way) IS a skill, and that Bara also has strengths that Teru doesn’t, kind of leading into the rivalry between the two bands that develops later on.

Whew! So, I’m actually kind of glad that I went back and did a deep read of this chapter. I still think the “Notes” thing doesn’t work, and I’ll definitely change it for that hypothetical anime, but there actually are a lot of things in this chapter I’m proud of too.

[thenighttcat]

On not bombing your pants, feeling left out, and unsuccessful attempts at being cool.

Dear Miss A,

Hope that you are having a fun time in Canada. It sure seems so from your photos on Instagram, but one can never be certain about the reality of things from what is posted on Instagram. It took me a long time to begin writing this letter. It's funny how as you go about the week, there can be so many times when you tell yourself - hey, I should tell Miss A about this or that, and you'd imagine pouring out your thoughts freely on paper when Sunday comes along, but then now when it's actually time to do so, I find myself tongue-tied. Or rather, fingers-tied.

Maybe I'm just a bad writer.

I'll just begin with a completely random observation, whih is this:

One of the most dreadful dilemmas to find yourself in is needing to take a shit and the journey to the toilet.

On one hand, for obvious reasons, you're in an urgent need to get to the toilet so you won't bomb your pants (or worse, the pavement sweeping rapidly beneath you), but then the faster you walk, the more you seem to activate the muscles of the intestine that holds your poop (the rectum?), which only serves to aggravate the need for you to be at the toilet ASAP. Alright, it's a bit of a disgusting observation, but that just happens to be on my mind right now. Don't ask me why.

Anyway, I was going down the corridor this morning at the theatre when, coming in the opposite direction, were the director and Tricia, one of the new actresses. She has a slender figure and a charming, innocent face. They walked past me, engaged in conversation, with such haste that they left a breeze in their wake, and a lingering feeling of being left out. It's a feeling that returns to me now and again, the feeling of always being trapped in the periphery, peeking through the glass with cupped hands at everyone having fun, and never being part of the action yourself.

I'm so juvenile.

In other news, Bertrand is constructing a terrarium. He wanders through parks and hidden forests to find plants and bugs for his little universe. He's the coolest person I know. I once tried to be cool too. I dyed my hair blue, although it turned out green. My friends said it made my hair look like moss. I don't try to be cool anymore.

[namuneulbo]

week one hundred and sixty three

a slut era has begun.

l's showing zero interest now and i've gotten super tired of how hes acting so i'm over it lmao. i downloaded dating apps again and changed my settings from serious to casual. in reality, i want serious but i'm also aware of the fact that that's highly unlikely with me going to korea soon. i haven't actively gone on dates with multiple people before but i wanna try living on the edge a bit, meeting people, flirting, hooking up, whatever. just having fun and not thinking about finding a serious partner for now. i've matched with a few people since but no one's replied :(

had my final exam for the term on wednesday. i still have two re-exams in january though. it's still nice though, the workload has definitely lessened but i still gotta study for the re-exams :')

had dinner in the evening together with my classmates and two of the lecturers. we had hotpot. only me and one of the lecturers were vegetarian so we shared and it was alright but the vegetarian options weren't great. the lecturer was one of our future teachers. we haven't had her in any class yet but a lot of my classmates seemed to know her anyways. she was really nice so i look forward to doing her class. she had cool tattoos and she recommended an app for me to use as a vegetarian in korea later on.

today i hung out with l. plans were very much changed. we originally planned for him to sleepover saturday to sunday but then that turned into just hanging out saturday evening until he cancelled and asked if we could hang out today instead. we just walked around shops as he was christmas shopping. i found two kent albums on cd second hand and also two dvds, sweeney todd and brokeback mountain. i've actually not seen either of them but i think i'll like both anyways!

other than that i haven't done anything too exciting. i'm on my way to finland for christmas now. about to go on the bus to the port and then spend my night on a ferry.

i've been listening to soooo much drain gang, oh my fucking god. everyday. constantly. i can't stop. literally had music videos on today while doing my makeup.

also, just got to the port. ferry crush has been discovered!!!

sotw: yung lean - leanworld

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, MAY 31, 2017 Decided to temporarily stop posting to my Facebook group because I’ve discovered that pages are so much more fun. The biggest thing is that it lets me schedule future posts. The more I schedule, the more it’s like having a self-publishing page that publishes itself with little work on my part. It’s so cool. And addicting. I can now totally see how Andy got so hooked on doing this sort of thing. Every three hours pictures will post in groups of four. Each cluster will have a theme… beaches, rats, kids, dogs, trees, wildlife, etc. The link to it is on my profile.

Lost the water I was retaining after my stupid body made its third attempt to generate a period and failed. I’m glad it failed; I just wish it would stop trying in the first place. Come on, I’m 51 years old!

Got caught up on my sleep and should be able to go out for a walk later on. That’s pretty much it for now so… later!

TUESDAY, MAY 30, 2017 Sunday my hips were sore as hell, Monday my legs turned to rubber after just a few minutes of bike riding, and today I’m damn near comatose. WTF? Yes, I slept shitty. Yes, I woke up many times, sometimes too warm. But it’s not like I didn’t sleep at all, so this fatigue seems a bit extreme. I didn’t take anything last night, so I doubt it could be related to my blood pressure or blood sugar. I sure hope not, anyway.

Like I’ve been saying for a while now, I wish I could have more days where I had good energy and nothing hurt or made me feel off in any way. The most important thing is not having anxiety. I’m still doing well with that, but still not quick to jump the gun and assume it’s gone for good. It seems I always have something, though. Lately, it’s been an underarm rash and I worry it’s folliculitis. It could be some type of fungal rash, so I started Lamisil a couple of days ago, and I’m not sure that it’s helping. Or maybe I’m allergic to the Gain laundry detergent pods we’ve been using. I just don’t know. But when I see my doctor in a couple of weeks I’ll show it to her.

I’ve been getting some questions about the anxiety I experienced when my thyroid medication dose was higher. It’s not the same kind of anxiety one would experience if say they were about to have a medical procedure done that they were really nervous and anxious about. It’s something far worse and probably impossible to imagine and comprehend without going through it firsthand. I always said that being thrown in a pit of fire would be the worst way to die, but I’m not so sure about that anymore. I think the worst, torturous form of death would be to slowly die from having too much thyroid hormone. That fire would hurt like hell, but you’re dead in minutes. A slow death from being thyrotoxic would be the ultimate form of torture that I couldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s the most horrible, horrible feeling on earth to be high on thyroid. That’s really the best way I can describe it for those who haven’t experienced it and I hope to hell never will.

Life is otherwise running smoothly. One of the houses on our street has sold and now I’m hoping the newcomers don’t have a motorcycle or any really loud vehicles.

I was off to a good start on the intermittent fasting diet, but hunger and cravings threw me off track. There’s no getting around the fact that I would have to cut down to about 1000-1200 calories a day to lose weight and that’s just not enough. As long as I keep active (when I’m awake enough) I can maintain my weight on 1500-1600 calories a day.

For once I had a bit of a funny dream. Being the adventurers that we are, on two different occasions Tom and I simply up and changed states with no home or job waiting for us in the new state. Sometimes that’s the only way to go. It got a little scary at times, but this was how we transferred from Arizona to Oregon, and then from Oregon to California.

In the dream, we moved to Boston of all places. No place I would even consider going to in a million years, but that’s where we went in the dream. Towards the end of the day, after we arrived there, I was getting tired and said I hoped we could find a place to rent or check into a hotel soon.

Then we were in someplace that had a small door in the wall that was perhaps 3’x3’. Tom opened the door and found a strange passageway. Curiously, Tom began to climb in and I told him to be careful because there was a sharp turn in it and I didn’t want him getting stuck.

I then started to think how it was a bummer that we didn’t know anybody in the area yet, and then I remembered Eileen. For a second I considered contacting Andy, now just hours away, but thought better of it when I realized that being in the same state wouldn’t make him any less negative, immature or judgmental.

Yesterday I noticed the lack of tweets between Aly and Kim. Then last night Aly tweeted about being “iced out,” and like several other tweets she’s made in the past, I knew she was talking about Kim. Ever since Aly dumped me I’ve been hoping that Kim would give her a taste of her own medicine, and now I wonder if she really has. I doubt it, though. She’s gone quiet on her before. All will be just peachy between them soon enough.

I tweeted to her that I knew what it was like and that I was sending a virtual hug from Cali. As usual, she didn’t block me but she didn’t reply either.

Why oh why can’t I just give up on those who have given up on me???

MONDAY, MAY 29, 2017 The weather is gorgeous right now. But can I take my laptop out on the patio and enjoy it? No, of course not. Fucking landscaping has to spoil the peace, as usual.

Took my first dose of clonidine last night and while I didn’t have any bad effects from it, I’m not sure it’s going to be all that helpful. I’m allowed to take up to three tablets a day. Being the first time taking it, I took just one, of course. I was nervous as hell about it, too.

I thought I would get noticeably drowsy after about 10 minutes like I usually do with things like Benadryl and Lorazepam, but I didn’t. I also didn’t sleep as soundly as when I take other things and I kept waking up several times. I woke up a little tired, but not so groggy that I didn’t want to get out of bed. I found that the best thing to help perk me up is salad. I have a bag of mixed lettuce, and after a few mouthfuls of that and some coffee, I perked up.

SUNDAY, MAY 28, 2017 I got up earlier today because yesterday was such a fun and busy day that I fell asleep earlier than the night before, something I rarely do.

Before we left, Tom ran out to pick up the meds. Everything was there.

Then I gave him my old music laptop, which he was delighted to have for whatever projects he wants it for.

I was surprised to see that Aly is now allowing anyone to message her on Twitter, and I can’t help but wonder… is she hoping I’ll contact her?

We wanted to go out browsing and shopping just for fun, but we also wanted not to have to listen to the thump of bass from the damn concert. Remember, some of us move to these types of places to get away from that shit. Not to have to listen to it. But by the time we returned four hours later at the tail end of the concert, you could barely hear it, unlike the last time. It was still good to get out and do things we don’t normally do to break up our normal routine. No matter how comfortable you may be with your routine, variety is always good.

We went to Lowe’s first, but didn’t get anything there. Then we went to Wendy’s where we both got junior bacon burgers with small fries and a small drink. With both of us watching what we eat, we were really stuffed afterward, not used to taking in 600 calories at once. There’s a reason I eat as much as I can a few days before vacations; to enlarge my stomach so I can enjoy indulging during the trip.

We parked towards the back of the parking lots furthest from the stores we visited so it would be easier to get out and because we like to walk. It was a beautiful day. Warm and dry. I even got a little color.

We first stopped in a department store we’d never been to before. It wasn’t all that great. Then we went to a thrift store we’d also never been to and that was more my style. For just seven bucks I got silver sequined UGG style boots.

Then we went to the Dollar Tree where I got these cute little plastic flowers in a tiny pot. When light hits the solar panel on it, the flowers “dance.”

We also got a few scented hand sanitizers, and these scented room deodorizers that are in plastic jars, but we really don’t notice them unless we stick our noses right up to them.

We went to Michael’s craft store where I got 5 neon-colored beaded bracelets for $.99 each.

Our last stop was at Sam’s where we got dishwasher and laundry pods, and a power scrubber for the old shower stalls.

For just $10, I got a pink tunic with sparkly gems on it.

The four 2x2 printed foam mats arrived yesterday and we love them so far. We have one in the second bathroom and three in the kitchen to see how well they hold up before we redo both sections of the floor. They’re very comfortable to walk on and they look great. The roof is still the #1 priority and that will get done in July or August.

So yesterday was lots of fun. It definitely made up for the horrible, horrible nightmare in which I required lorazepam to get back to sleep. In the dream, I was living with Tammy, although she had a multistory house in the dream. In reality, Tom will be 60 in exactly one month, but in the dream, he died from a sudden and unexpected illness right before he was to turn 57. The depression I experienced in the dream was overwhelming. Tammy had to leave one morning, assuring me that everything would be okay and that she would be back at 11 PM or sooner. I didn’t want her to go, but I also didn’t want to cry on her shoulder all day either.

I spent the day reading and writing and trying to block Tom from my mind so as to keep from cracking up. Unable to work yet not having worked enough years to collect disability, I had no idea how I was going to survive since our savings and sale of the house would only last a year or two. Even if I had all the money in the world, I didn’t see how I could stand to wake up each day without him for the next 25-35 years. It’s so true that once you find your true soulmate you don’t want to live without them, and no wonder so many long-term couples die around the same time.

But then nighttime came and I couldn’t help but think of how we’d always assumed he would turn 57 and then 58 and so on and so forth. I looked to the doorway of the bedroom, which I stood in, wishing he would appear and say it was just a horrible joke and that we could now go home. I woke up as I burst into tears. Like I said, it was a horrible, horrible dream.

Taking it easier today doing things around the house. I doubt we’ll go out today, but who knows?

I’m trying to get used to progressive glasses once again because I really like having a pair of glasses that does it all. It was a pain in the ass switching back and forth between reading glasses and bifocals with no mid-range vision.

My right hip is better (for the most part), but today my left hip is sore when I first stand up. I’ve had pain nearly every day for a while now, but it sure beats anxiety.

FRIDAY, MAY 26, 2017 So I saw the psychiatrist, Dr. C, yesterday. This was at the Expo Center. The setup was a little different. The building didn’t consist of only doctors. There were lawyers and other things as well. Usually, the nurse takes me into the exam room, takes my vitals, then has me wait for the doctor. In this case, a nurse took me into a small room off the waiting room and took everything but my pulse. Then I went back to the waiting room where I had to fill out a ridiculous amount of paperwork asking me the same damn questions that should already be on file. I did most of it but not all of it. It was just too long and too irrelevant as to why I was there.

Then, just like Stacey would come and get me herself, the doctor came to get me. She didn’t really make an impression on me either in a positive or a negative way. She was just average, I guess you could say. She didn’t make any small talk unrelated to the visit by commenting on the weather, whatever I was wearing, etc., but she also didn’t come off as rude, insensitive or like she was trying to rush me along. The staff wasn’t all that friendly except for the nurse that took my vitals.

Dr. C was a lot like Stacey. She had a very calm and “neutral” demeanor. The kind you couldn’t picture freaking out and that probably had a dry sense of humor. While they may have been comparable in personalities, they looked nothing alike except for their thinness. I first thought Dr. C might be a guy because her hair is very short. She might be a lesbian, but as long as she helps me or at least doesn’t make me worse in any way, I don’t care what she is. But just being the observant person I am, she wore no make-up and was very plane-faced, almost ugly. While she looked as Chinese as ever she had an American accent.

I noticed her noticing my scars just as Dr. G (GYN) did. Yeah, a few more months and they’ll be gone and my past will no longer be so obvious. Either way, I’m doing this for me. This scar removal thing. I don’t care if others judge me by the past and I don’t care what they think either, but I personally don’t like seeing them sitting there on my arm, just like I wouldn’t want to see a picture of my parents sitting on my desk. I have a few pics of them on my hard drive and online, but I don’t need a reminder of them sitting in front of me any more than I need to see the scars. How would that help me?

What I liked about her was that she stayed in the present and let me bring her up to date on the last few years and what led me to see her without interrupting me. Dr. L may have been friendlier, but she was harder to talk to because she interrupted a lot and went off-topic. I almost felt like I was going to chat with an old buddy when I would see her, LOL.

She told me that the ADD might have been what made going through perimenopause so hard on me, and explained that ADD is common and that those who have it often do better in crisis. Haha, could’ve fooled me. I had to be EMDR’d, didn’t I? I get what she’s saying, though. As Stacey pointed out, the day I freaked out thinking I was having a heart attack, I acted quickly and was able to think fast despite how terrified I was, call for help, and get out of the house.

Dr. C also confirms that once I go from perimenopause to menopause, things should stabilize. They feel like they’ve been doing just that since February, but now my body is making its third attempt to generate a period since mid-March, and this time I’m afraid it might succeed. The last couple of times I would get watery, and then the water would back off. Now I’m getting watery and my boobs are tender.

She took a moment to read Doc O’s notes and commented about her being a very smart woman.

Then she asked questions like do I get headaches? Any rashes? I told her I did have a rash under my arms (these little red bumps that won’t go away), and she said what I figured she’d say. It probably needs an antifungal cream. I’m going to start with trying an OTC one. If it doesn’t help, I’ll show it to Doc A when I see her.

Just why am I getting all these fungal issues these last few years anyway? Because I’m fat? Older?

She also asked me if I’d ever been diagnosed with Graves’ disease. I’ve heard of it but didn’t know it was the term for hyperthyroidism like Hashimoto’s is the term for hypothyroidism. The neurologist I saw said it was likely that I did have Graves’ disease when I was younger, and even though they never tested me for it, I agree, based on the symptoms I had back then. I didn’t have such terrifying anxiety like the last few years, but I would get overly hyper, my heart would race, and I couldn’t gain weight if I tried.

Once it got to where I could no longer lose weight in my 40s, I wrote it off to age. But then I was like, hey wait a minute! I exercise. But even with treatment, diet and exercise do me no good and I’m forever 30 pounds overweight. Therefore I have set more realistic goals for myself, which is not to gain any more weight. So far so good. :-)

Then she asked me about joint and muscle pain and I told her that my hip joints have been particularly stiff lately and I’m losing flexibility. I first wrote that one off to being fat, but there are people a lot heavier than me who have more flexibility. She recommended some stretching exercises, which I’ll be doing for a few minutes each day.

She mentioned memory loss, and yes, I’m still dealing with the brain fog from hell. I have trouble focusing and will often think of something I need to get from another room, walk into that room, then forget why I entered it in the first place. Sometimes it takes me a minute to remember my own damn address and phone number.

So I told her that while I’m trying to remain optimistic, I don’t want to get my hopes up and think that the worst of the anxiety is over, and so I requested one more refill of lorazepam, which she gave me. If all continues to go well, though, I won’t finish the bottle I still have, let alone need the refill.

She asked me about beta-blockers and I told her I took atenolol once when my heart was racing when the perimenopause was at its worst and they were adjusting my levothyroxine dose, and while it slowed my HR, it also made me very cold and sluggish. I also told her about the nightmare I went through with Prozac.

I was surprised to learn that lorazepam isn’t a narcotic but a benzodiazepine. Still, she said it not only quits working after a while as the body gets too used to it, but it’s addicting and I shouldn’t tell anyone I’ve got it. This is because she’s had a couple of patients have their homes broken into just for that. They left the laptop and other valuables and took only the benzos.

She feels clonidine would be better for me in light of the ADD. She says it will also help with any additional anxiety I may have and help me sleep better (we discussed the insomnia and the CRD as well). She understands my phobia of medication and recommended I try the short-acting version before bed and see if it helps me sleep. Another reason she thinks this will be better for me is that it’s not a stimulant like levothyroxine or a controlled substance like lorazepam. I asked her if there was anything I should worry about if I decided to try it and she said it can make you tired, so take it before bed as needed for the next six months and see if it helps with sleep as well as better concentration and all that. As I told her, I don’t have insomnia all the time. Sometimes I’m up the standard 16 hours. But when it’s been 18 or more hours and Tom’s home (just because the EMDR has made me braver doesn’t mean I’m that brave), I will take a 0.1 mg tablet; the lowest dose possible, which they give to kids.

“If you like it and you want to take it every day, let me know when you see me again in six months and we’ll switch you to the long-acting version,” she told me.

I guess those are taken twice a day. Either way, I wonder if I should have just said no. The ADD and occasional insomnia haven’t killed me yet, I don’t need the clonidine to keep me alive, and this is just adding one more drug and yet more appointments. Nothing wrong with trying it at least once, though, and again, I’m my own boss. I can stop taking the medicine and cancel our November appointment anytime I want.

Later…

This is the first time after bombing that I’ve continued to find things in here… 2 silverfish and 3 spiders. Oh, they were on their way to the pearly gates, but still…

The weather was perfect for bombing yesterday because it was cool and windy. That way it wasn’t too warm in the storeroom for the rats, and the house didn’t get too warm when we were airing it out.

Since my one-year prescription is up, the pharmacist left a message with my doctor to refill it, but as far as I know, she hasn’t responded yet. It says it can take up to 72 hours and we did this just yesterday morning. She better hurry up, though. I only have four pills left. The last thing I want is for her to screw me out of a few doses right before labs, then not get an accurate reading. I will so let her have it if that’s the case!

I’m looking at the notes I scribbled down as I always do when I get up to help me remember my dreams. Well, I don’t know what “work at restaurant” or “guy opens door” or “banana chips” means, but I vaguely remember Steve, a neighbor I had back east. He entered a room I was in, wanting to be sure I was ready to give a speech that night.

“But what do I give a speech about?” I asked him, and he said it could be about whatever I wanted it to be about. Everyone was giving a random speech that night. So I thought about it for a moment and decided I would do a speech on PTSD.

Then Tammy appeared to be upset that I wasn’t wearing a particular shirt that I guess she hoped I’d wear for that event.

Speaking of Tammy, she’s failed every “test” I set up for her. She’s definitely ignoring almost all my emails and messages. But why? I wonder. If she can take the time to check into Facebook multiple times a day, couldn’t she leave a quick reply to at least some of the messages? Just wondering if she’s having doubts about being in my life. Or maybe she really is that out of it. I guess only she knows for sure.

The loud car has a new habit and I’m wondering if the driver got a job. They leave at 6:30 AM and they return around 5 PM. Yesterday I was hoping they wouldn’t want to go out again after a long day at work, but they did. They weren’t gone long, but they left after 9 PM and returned an hour later. So I’m still hearing it about four times a day.

Still hearing the woodpecker at times too, and I really don’t think there’s anything we can do about it. I’m just too noise-cursed. It’s like the more I try to fight it, the worse it is.

Tom’s enjoying it, but I just can’t get into the new Twin Peaks. Therefore, I’ve begun watching 13 Reasons Why on Netflix. It has to do with a high school student who committed suicide. She leaves behind some old fashion cassettes for a handful of people that are supposedly some of the reasons why she killed herself.

Jumping back to Twin Peaks and all its weirdness. When I think of the afterlife I sometimes wonder how similar it may be if there really is one. Maybe it’s just a bunch of mismatched shit that may not be real but that’s very real to our spirits. Maybe you could appear to be sitting on a serene beach for a few minutes. Then maybe the next minute you’re being devoured by a pack of wolves. Or maybe we get to live out the dreams and goals we never achieved in this life. And maybe we get to do things and go places we’ve always been curious about. Maybe we suddenly know it all and have all the answers to the things we’ve always wondered about.

Some people believe that if they’re cursed in this life, then that has to be a sign that the afterlife is better since they’re kept alive long enough to continue to suffer.

But what if it’s the other way around? What if the bad things that happen to some of us here are to later show us that the afterlife is so much worse?

I decided to make my group ‘closed’ just to see if it generates new members. Maybe they’ll be curious as to what they can’t see and feel compelled to join.

I’ve been configuring iTunes, as well as playlists on Amazon and YouTube, so I can listen to music on my Mac only without having to record and transfer songs. Tom can use my ancient Windows laptop we got in Oregon for other things. Doing it this way has its pros and cons. Some features are cool but then there are other things that aren’t as convenient. I can’t jump a few seconds over boring parts of songs, but I love how iTunes has an equalizer with each song that you can set to customize each song.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 24, 2017 Enjoying the early morning peace and quiet before it’s lost to traffic and landscaping.

Decided to take a day off from going out running due to a little pain in my knee. I have enough other things to do anyway.

I also decided I would see Dr. C by myself tomorrow. With nothing out of the ordinary going on right now I don’t feel the need for Tom to go in as extra support, which he understands. It’s usually only when something new is going on or I’m extremely wound up that I like to take him along with me.

Hopefully, we can talk about the last few years and what got me to see her in the first place rather than what happened 20-30 years ago because I don’t feel the past is relevant to a case of hormonal nightmares brought on by perimenopause and adjusting my thyroid medication. She should have some history on file from Dr. L anyway.

If I could know that this was truly it and that the perimenopause was over along with the extreme anxiety that went with it, then I wouldn’t feel the need for any more lorazepam. But I can’t possibly know that and I’m afraid to get my hopes up and jump the gun. Fate has teased me enough with that in the past where I thought it was over just to find out a few months later that it wasn’t. Common sense, however, says that given the length of time I’ve suffered on and off, I should definitely be nearing the finish line if I haven’t crossed it yet. If I can stay calm until September, then I’ll feel more confident about the torture being over because that will make it over six months. It’s been just over four months since I saw Stacey. I don’t miss her as much as I thought I would, but she played an important role in this and I’ll definitely never forget her.

My only real concern right now is what my TSH score is going to be. If it’s up, then the anxiety I had a few months ago might have been more connected to that than my doctor realizes, which might mean I could suffer on and off for the rest of my life every time my TSH slipped down. I’m not really sure how that works and if it’s common to fluctuate a few points up-and-down regularly, or if it settles in on the same number so long as the thyroid doesn’t die anymore. The medication should prevent further death of the gland as well as enlargement. I really hope to hell I’m no more than one point up or down if I’m not the same because then I’ll feel more confident that it was the peri.

So much for thinking I had another hour before the peace was destroyed because that loud car just left. They haven’t lowered the price of the house yet either. It’s never going to sell at that price. I don’t understand why the realtor hasn’t talked some sense into them. It’s going to take a year or more to get these fuckers out of here.

Anyway, I’ll see Dr. C tomorrow while we bomb the place’s spiders, probably ask for one more bottle of lorazepam (the bottle I have has lasted since July 9 and I still have almost 20 left), then hit the labs in early June. Then I’ll see Dr. A a week later and hopefully, that will be it until my September dentist appointment, though I will contact the GYN at the end of my steroid treatment and see what she wants me to do next. I’m hoping a follow-up won’t be necessary. I’m definitely opting out of surgery, though. Quality, not quantity. That’s what I’m all about. I’ll take a good quality 30 more years before I take a not-so-good quality 40 more years.

If all goes well I should be cut down to just six appointments a year between Dr. A, ENT, eye doc, and dentist!

Had some dream about meeting Goldie H and Jim R in a restaurant somewhere.

MONDAY, MAY 22, 2017 “Preparing” a bathroom before leaving a crowded house to go on vacation, meeting some guy on the road, sharing a bed with some woman in a hotel while a guy and a gal I knew shared another… that’s all I remember for last night’s dreams.

Wow. Just wow. So now the Muslims are bombing concerts? How many more innocent people have to die before we finally pull our heads out of the sands of “political correctness,” accept that we’ve got a group of very sick twists on our hands, and deal with them appropriately? Not sure what would be appropriate, but there are more of us than there are of them. I’m sure something can be figured out, like maybe not letting them into our countries in the first place. I think they should be confined to one area and forbidden to enter other places. Then they can all have fun killing each other.

Went for a walk at the crack of dawn and crossed paths with Bob.

Then I was talking to Tom about pulling clothes out of the dryer and Alexa thought I was asking her for the weather in Dreyer, Texas.

Yesterday I gave my Blogger blog a whole new look and received the pink rose curtains. They’re not as nice as the green willows with the gold trim, but still okay.

Watched the first two episodes of the return of Twin Peaks, and so far I’m not impressed. It’s both slow and senseless.

In last night’s dreams, someone asked me what the meanest things were that my mother and her mother ever said to me.

“Someday you’ll be too fat to fit through the doorway,” I was happily informed by my grandmother as a child. Funny too, since I’ve never weighed more than 153 pounds at my heaviest and she was well over 200 pounds. As they say… people often are what they pick on you about.

“Try it again. Maybe next time you’ll succeed,” this was the wonderful advice my mother gave me when she came to my hospital room after I tried to commit suicide in my teens. rolls eyes Yeah, I had a great support system back then. And what did my father do about his wife’s words of wisdom? Not a thing.

The best part of waking up was knowing that this is so ancient history and can never happen again.

Another thing that puts a smile on my face is knowing that if I don’t like the new shrink I’m going to see hopefully just once or twice on Thursday, I can walk out of her office anytime I want and never return. Places like Brattleboro, Valleyhead and jail have a way of making you all the more grateful for freedom of choice. It’s just taken me some time to get used to actually utilizing it after so many years of having so many of my decisions made for me.

SUNDAY, MAY 21, 2017 Learning more about acupuncture and the way it can help with various things. I know it can help with hunger but I’m not sure yet as far as weight loss and improving my eyesight. Can’t hurt to try it for a while and find out.

The temps have been in the 90s, which is great because then it doesn’t get chilly in the early mornings inside the house. It needs to stop getting below 70° at night in order for the pool to warm up. I wish they would just heat it normally. This isn’t an ideal climate for solar-heated pools.

I jumped on Amazon to start researching laminate flooring and accidentally stumbled across these interlocking foam mats with printed “wood” on top. We’re going to start with getting the smallest amount for $20 and put it in the shed and see how well it holds up out there. It would be a cheaper alternative to laminate flooring and looks very realistic. One person had a bad experience with it in the reviews, but the other pictures I saw look like real wooden floors. Since this is our practice house, so to speak, and since we’re going to be here several more years, this would be a good time to take the opportunity to see how well it holds up. It would be nice to know exactly what to get in the next place instead of wasting money. If we like this stuff, then it would only cost $100 to do the kitchen. I chose the white oak. I suspect they’d feel nice to walk on. The sticky tiles, for some reason, were cold to the touch as opposed to linoleum.

So we’re going to order that, plus a pink armband from my phone for when I’m out running, and a shoe stretcher. My flower shoes are still a little snug on me.

We went to Walmart this morning and I got a long colorful beaded necklace, a couple of packs of scented wax cubes, and a really cool small sequined pillow. If the sequins are all facing one direction where the gold side is showing, you can then rub your hand along it and it will flip them over to the silver side. Tom wrote “hi” on it in the store, LOL.

A couple of friends of a Facebook friend joined my group yesterday, but no one else has joined since.

Is it just me or do others find those “share to show you care” posts just as annoying as I do? Like we’re supposed to feel guilty if we don’t share because that supposedly means we don’t care? I just wonder why so many people feel the need to validate their friendships like that. If you feel you need to “test” them to see if they care, then maybe you should just delete them. :-)

SATURDAY, MAY 20, 2017 I’m reading the book Secrets to Die For by L. J. Sellers, and it’s not only a great murder mystery, but it’s a reminder that what some people think is a matter of opinion is really a matter of simply being incorrect. It deals with hate crimes against lesbians.

The book discusses the common myths that go with the subject… thinking all lesbians hate men, that they were all raped or molested, that they choose to be that way, etc. It’s one thing to say that in my opinion pink is the best color, but I’d be full of shit to say that people don’t need oxygen to survive. Nobody wakes up one day and decides, “I’m going to be gay/bi/lesbian today, the most hated lifestyle on earth.”

And like the book said, what lifestyle? Gays, bisexuals and lesbians live the same lives anyone else lives; they just happen to be attracted to the same-sex, a biological variation on sexuality that plenty of scientific research supports. 1 out of 10 people are gay and that’s probably only those that will admit it. I think it’s more like 1 in every 8.

Also as the book said, is discriminating against gays really any different than discriminating against lefties simply because they’re different? And again, “different” isn’t always as different as some may think it is.

Alexa now has this chat bot thing where you engage her in a conversation, but it’s kind of boring so far.

The green willow curtains for the window by my desk arrived and they’re gorgeous. I love the gold glittery trim at the edges of the leaves. I hope the pink roses for the dining room come today.

I created a public Facebook group to share random pictures I found around the web, mostly of nature and animals, but so far no one’s joined, other than the few friends I’ve added. Andy has a couple of groups where he posts pics of sexy men, one of which has nearly 10,000 members. I never really saw the point of groups, but then I thought it might be fun to see how many members it might acquire, what they might have to share, etc. I doubt anyone will join because it’s not worth it to me to put all the effort that would go into promoting the group. I’m not that sociable online.

I’ve proven to myself that I can do this type of IF diet a lot easier than when I didn’t eat for the first 8 hours of my day. That was just way too long and damaging to my metabolism. But I’ve been having approximately 1500 calories a day, which is what it takes to maintain my current weight. The next step is to see if I can cut a third of my calories out, or at least close to it, to lose 20-30 pounds, but I have my doubts on this one. I shall soon find out for sure!

Last night I dreamed I was with my VH sisters. We were all living in some large building somewhere. I was talking to Maria, and at one point she was talking to someone while standing in a doorway. I could see what appeared to be Marsha C beyond the partially open door.

Then Maria was looking forward to reading a journal I wrote only I don’t know if I wrote it for her or about her. I then gave her my full name, including my maiden name, and asked her to find what info she could find on me. I guess I was just curious as to what she might come up with.

Then I was talking on the phone with my mother. I don’t remember what our discussion was about, though.

THURSDAY, MAY 18, 2017 I’m in a lazy mood right now. Not tired, but not exactly energetic either.

As I said I would, I circled around the block and found the same three cars at the house that’s still for sale, including the loud one.

Lost a pound in 3 days since starting the new diet, but I don’t expect to lose more than a total of 5 pounds. With my metabolism the way it is, treated or not, my body just won’t give up the weight. Not unless I get horribly sick or anxious. No thanks! I’ll keep the extra 30 pounds. This should definitely help keep my weight where it’s at, though. I love being able to eat every hour 8 times. The only catch is that in order to be able to do that I can only eat for 8 hours of the day, so that’s why I trim the first 4 hours off my day and also the last 4 hours. He thinks I’ll gradually keep losing, but we’ll see.

He’s lost over 10 pounds on his own diet where he cut himself to about 1700 - 1800 cals a day from nearly 3000. But he’s a male and he doesn’t have Hashimoto’s either.

A couple of times since my last period in mid-March I started to retain water and I felt like I was gearing up for another period, but then I would lose the water. If I can get to his birthday without a period, that’ll be a record-breaker for me.

Since finishing up Bosch on Amazon, I’ve been watching the final season of Pretty Little Liars on Netflix. I know the show is geared towards teens, but it’s packed with so many surprises, twist and turns, and I really like the nonstop action and guessing, as opposed to your typical predictable kind of show where you pretty much know how it’s going to end.

Really excited for the return of Twin Peaks on Showtime! That was one of the best shows ever made. Totally unique, eccentric, mysterious and unpredictable.

Sometimes I watch Real Stories documentaries on YouTube. Well, I was always aware of who Elizabeth Smart was, but yesterday I learned the details when I saw her case. I was appalled by the way some reporters handled the case, especially Nancy Grace. What a fucking vulture the way she would persistently pry the poor girl for information she clearly didn’t want to discuss. “Nancy Disgrace” would be a more appropriate name for the heartless bitch. She had no empathy whatsoever during the interview and even appeared to be amused. She calls herself a victim’s rights advocate but she seems more of a bully to me. The way she handled the Jodi Arias case (not that I’m even remotely close to being an Arias supporter), reminded me of high school. Here you had this “popular” person openly bashing the underdog. It wasn’t the fact that she reported details of the case, but how she went about it that disgusted me. She would constantly express her dislike and even hatred for Jodi, but at the same time, it was like she was obsessed with her. If she doesn’t give a shit about these perps, which I truly understand, she should at least think of their families and grow up a little. Runner up to the actual victim, I felt bad for Arias’s mother and the blatant lack of respect the woman was shown all in the name of “entertainment.” I would still rather see her go Girl Interrupted on someone like Arias, though, than pick and tear at a victim’s sensitive wounds like she did with Smart.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 17, 2017 Is all hate fear-based? I know a lot of people think it is, and I believe that some of it truly is. People are often scared of what they don’t understand or agree with. Things they might not have grown up with or simply aren’t used to seeing. Maybe you’re not used to seeing the drag queen twirl around in his colorful dress. Or maybe you’re not used to seeing the biracial couple with their cute kids in tow.

But what about the people who hate those who pose no threat to their safety in any way shape or form? That can’t come to your house and beat you up? That can’t take your home or your job away from you? I think sometimes people hate someone for something they said or did, but they aren’t the least bit “afraid” of them in any way. I hated Osama bin Laden for the pain, misery and death he caused, but I never feared him personally. He was never going to show up on my doorstep ready to kill, nor was he ever going to burn our house down while we were out.

It seems people often have false truths about certain situations and people that are just that… false.

Not everyone who may despise us fears us.

Lesbians don’t hate men any more or less than straight women but simply aren’t attracted to them.

If God didn’t save some poor starving kid in Africa, He might not save you, if He exists in the first place.

Bisexuals aren’t “confused.”

Going out in chilly weather with wet hair doesn’t increase your chances of a cold.

Not all homeless people “ask” for it.

You can’t get rich simply by wishful thinking.

Glad to say the Scar Away scar gel is working after all! It’s slowly fading the scarred skin to match the healthy skin. I guess these things just take time. It somehow changes the skin’s pigment and all that.

Also, the new diet is getting easier as well. It seems that for me it doesn’t get easier until the third day and that’s where I’m at right now.

Tom stopped by the office on his way home today and they didn’t have the keys, so we may remain forever clueless as to what happened to them and whether or not anyone’s got them in their possession. If they do, they’re worthless now.

Haven’t heard that really loud car in three days even though the house hasn’t sold yet. After I have my fish dinner and the sun sets and the temperature drops, I’ll head in that direction when I go out for my run and see if I can see what’s up. Then I’m going to run down to the lake.

Either the perimenopause is backing off or this is a much better mattress/mattress pad for me because I fell asleep without the fan on while it was in the mid-70s in here, and that would normally cause me to hot flash.

The bed vibe broke, but I slept well today.

In my dreams last night I watched a movie about a woman being stalked by this humongous woman with pigtails, contemplated whether or not I should take an outdoor shower vs. an indoor shower, and saw a gerbil with claws.

TUESDAY, MAY 16, 2017 This weather sucks. Running the AC yesterday, running the heat today. Hard to believe it’s going to be nearly 100° in a few days.

The woodpecker is getting more persistent. SO tired of having one thing after another no matter where we live. I got woken up today, but it wasn’t by that car, which I haven’t heard in two days. I was woken up by something that hit the speed bump too hard. I don’t feel tired, though. I’ve had good energy today and yesterday. I’m just frustrated with the fucking woodpecker. This is more than just a few scattered pecks now in its usual place over the back corner of the patio, and I’m still not sure what to do about it. I guess we blow the patio roof again and cut the trees even lower. I’m sure there’ll just be something else, though. If that car is gone, for example, God will just make sure whoever moves into their place has a motorcycle.

I am absolutely starving as I wait 4 hours before I can start eating. I still have another hour to go.

Really worried, based on how calm I’m feeling, along with other symptoms (2-3 shits a day, although solid, losing hair again, though most of it is still thick, water retention, weight not budging, etc.), that my TSH may be up. If it can drop from 10 to 7 in three months it can rise to that in three months, can’t it? If it is up, I’ll be damned if I’ll go to a higher dose. Not with how severe the consequences can be. I REFUSE to struggle with this medication on and off all my life. I can’t keep playing the appointment/medication game like this year after year. It really does have to stop… until I acquire my next health problem. Two PCP appointments, two dentist appointments, one ENT, one eye exam… that’s enough!

One of the dreams I had last night has me even more worried that my TSH could be up. I was reading the results of my tests online, all of which weren’t good, only it was Doc O who left notes about it and not A. “…that you should know,” was one of the things she said at the end of one sentence. They also tested me for marijuana, too.

In another dream, I was in a large building on an upper level. I’m not sure if I lived there or was just staying there temporarily, but when I looked out a couple of large windows at the awesome view, I ran to grab my camera. By the time I fetched it, I was frustrated because someone had drawn the drapes along the windows, blocking the view.

Then I was in a parking lot watching a couple of old ugly and very loud cars zip back-and-forth. One of the guys driving (a guy with curly blond hair) headed towards me and I realized he could hit me if he wanted to, but he stopped as soon as he saw me.

Then I was living in some apartment building where a rash of burglaries had taken place. A black woman was doing something to change or enforce the locks and I asked her if she had gotten to mine yet, and she hadn’t. The “apartment” actually looked like a small room. I was about to go out somewhere when I realized that the curtains were only pulled partway across the window and I debated whether or not I should pull them further across before I left.

Then there was a dream where I was sitting next to someone who had pink nail polish on. Every other nail was light pink while the rest were dark pink. They were to my right. To my left was a black woman.

Lastly, I was 40 years old again and we were looking to have me artificially inseminated.

MONDAY, MAY 15, 2017 When the new Miss USA was asked if she thought health insurance was a right or a privilege, she answered with the latter. Actually, both those answers are wrong. It’s a necessity.

Tom forgot to stop at the office to see if they had the keys before they closed. Meanwhile, he went to see if he could have new ones made up (for the car) and they wanted $80 for just one. Totally ridiculous since we could get two for $12 on Amazon.

A while back I was doing a partial fasting diet where I didn’t eat for the first 8 hours of my day. Then I could pretty much have what I wanted for the rest of the day as long as I worked out. This particular diet is not only bad for my metabolism, but I would get dizzy from it, so I decided on a better version of it. Instead of fasting 8 hours at once, I’ll split it up. Assuming I’m up for 16 hours on average, I won’t eat the first 4 hours of my day or the last 4 hours of my day. That way I only have to space my food out over an 8-hour period.

Saw Andy’s latest profile picture through Tom’s account. Damn has he lost a lot of weight! It’s always easier for the guys, though, and he doesn’t have a metabolic disorder either.

Later…

Back from my run and eating fresh strawberries. I know I shouldn’t judge, but I honestly don’t get the point of competing in eating contests. It’s unhealthy and it’s gross. I don’t see how being able to eat 108 chicken wings makes you a “winner” of any kind.

Alyssa’s FINALLY on Yelp. I got to write the review I’ve been wanting to write for quite a while now. Not surprisingly, Doc D still isn’t on Yelp.

SUNDAY, MAY 14, 2017 Tom and I got a lot done over the weekend and we even went out walking. Still not very good at sewer golf, LOL. That’s where our feet become golf clubs and we try to kick little pebbles into the sewers along the way. They carry rain and irrigation water down to the ditch.

It was my turn to lose something… almost. Dusk isn’t a good time to go out because there are a lot of gnats flying around, so I waited until after 9pm. Fewer people, less traffic. Headed out in the usual direction and realized I didn’t need my glasses since my long-range vision is still fairly decent. It’s seeing close-up and making out details that’s hard for me. But I could practically run around this park blindfolded, that’s how well I know it. I broke into a run at my usual point, swung around the lake and was heading up the hill when I realized they were no longer tucked into my waistband. My music must’ve drowned out the sound of them hitting the pavement. So I backtracked, figuring they would be where I was running the most, and they were. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world if I couldn’t find them. I have another pair, plus my progressives.

It was so nice stepping out the door on the way out and just pressing the ‘lock’ button, and then pressing it again to light up the number pad on my way back in. No more keys. :-) The new locks do have a keyhole in them in case the electronics fail. We may like technology, but we don’t trust it. We’re no longer using the knobs since those use the old keys. To help get out of the habit of using them, I put a piece of tape over them.

We got same-day delivery on the locks and Tom installed them on both doors. You can have a code that’s between 4-8 digits, which we’ll change periodically. A tiny light blinks amber when the doors are locked, green when they’re unlocked, red when the batteries are low, and some other color if you make a mistake punching in the code. There’s also an option to have the doors auto-lock 30 seconds after they’re shut. We chose to use this feature on the front door because we don’t use that door as much as the back. All you would have to do is just turn the knob to unlock it if it did lock, but this way it’ll be easier when we’re bringing in groceries or something like that. You would think the thing would be smart enough not to lock the door when it was open, but we totally love them just the same. Maybe we’ll even take them with us when we move someday. We’ve got the old locks stored in a box in the utility room, plus the locks that were here when we first moved in.

It also came with a special tool to rekey the locks. We put each lock’s spare key, along with a key to the knobs, in the lockbox. The other set of those same keys is in the utility room. He’s still going to stop by the office on the way home tomorrow to see if anyone turned in the keys we lost.

The Walmart he went to doesn’t do spare keys, but once we get a new spare key for the Caddy, he can erase the memory and then re-program the new key along with the other old key.

When I asked him the other day if he thought I could be losing hearing in my good ear like I at least think I might be, he said, “I told you you’ve been losing hearing ever since we met.”

LOL, well so does everybody over nearly a quarter-century. I’ve noticed, though, that I’m playing my music a little louder, having more trouble hearing with background noise, and I didn’t even hear the washer the other day. We have a front loader, which is quieter than top loaders. As I walked by the laundry room I thought, wow, it’s quiet in there, and I wondered if the park turned off the water for a second. Once I stepped into the room and in front of it, I could hear it going.

I’ve wanted to try Poopouri, so I got a small bottle when we got our last Amazon order. They sure have some funny names for different scents like Poo La La, Trap a Crap, and others. I got the tropical one but it smells more like citrus to me. I always like to try things, though I think a common air freshener is the best bet. It’s cheaper and you have a better selection of fragrances that way.

It’s funny because I went to order the lavender vanilla and it came up saying that it couldn’t ship to this area. I was like what, do they think our shit doesn’t stink or something? So I had to get the tropical hibiscus.

He’s building a little spy camera to put in the carport. The round case he printed on the 3-D printer is so cool, and he’s using magnets to hold it together.

We transferred some songs that I thought would be suitable for running to my smartphone. I have been using the old phone because it’s small, but I like having a phone I can call out on if I want to.

I was sleeping just fine until a nightmare woke me up a few hours later. I had to take a lorazepam (this bottle of 60 has lasted me since July 9 and I still have 20 more) to relax myself enough to fall back asleep.

In the dream, Tom and I were home and for once the house looked like this house. The only difference was that the walls were made of curtains. I walked down the hallway and into the living room when I noticed the front door standing wide open.

“Someone’s here!” I shouted to Tom as he headed towards me.

I quickly turned around to make sure no one was standing behind me in the dining area, and no one was.

Then Tom said, “There they are!”

I asked him where and he pointed to the curtain at the side of the door. Then I saw the guy’s shadow as he began to run around the house towards the back. I quickly spun around to dash out the back door and try to catch the guy. I glanced behind me for a split second, noticing that he didn’t seem as eager as I was. I awoke in pursuit of the bastard, whoever they were.

Well, as far as cracking our codes in real life, good luck with that!

Finished Season 3 of Bosch on Amazon, so now I’m watching Season 7 of Pretty Little Liars on Netflix.

Nothing else woke me up today, and I don’t know if that’s because I was sleeping on my good ear when loud vehicles went by or because I just got lucky. I still think anything really loud might wake me up when I’m on my back or my bad ear. When lying on my good ear I can hear the vibration of the vibrator running, which will help mask out anything loud.

SATURDAY, MAY 13, 2017 Tom and I were discussing the rats and we both agree that while Burke and Simon could be related since rats can have a wide variety of markings and colors within the same litter, there’s no way Dumbo could be related. A top-eared rat simply can’t produce a Dumbo rat.

They were all waiting at their door for me to give them the bread I give them when I get up (they get their own loaves since I almost never eat bread), then later they were at the door to come out and play. I let them run around while I ate a huge salad and watched the last episode of Season 3 of Bosch. Then they went running home when I put the rest of the salad in their cage. So cute!

We’re waiting for the new locks to be delivered. We decided to go with one that was $107. This one has a code and will lock the doors automatically, but doesn’t have an alarm.

Tom is going to get another key made up for the Cadillac and then reprogram the chips in both keys.

We’re going to go somewhere on the 27th since the park is once again going to force live music on some of us who don’t want to hear the obnoxious thumping of bass in their homes for 4 or more hours. Why the fuck do they think we moved here? Well, it was supposedly to escape that kind of shit. I just worry this kind of thing is going to encourage more people to have loud car stereos in here. Hearing them on the freeway is annoying enough.

I was watching a documentary on what makes a person a psychopath. A lot of people think they’re crazy when in fact they do know right from wrong. The fact is that they’re incapable of feeling empathy, along with some other traits. Tom and I took this test at http://personality-testing.info/tests/LSRP.php that tells you if you’re a psychopath or not.

I scored 2.something for primary psychopathy, and I think 1.8 for secondary. Both of his scores were the same… 1.something. So I’m closer to being a psychopath than he is, LOL. Some of the questions were tricky, though, like the one where they ask if you would hurt someone’s emotions to get what you wanted. Would I hurt someone I cared about? Absolutely not. But some rapist I don’t even know? Someone who’s fucked me over in the past? Charles Manson? Sure I would if I wanted it bad enough.

They say psychopaths are born rather than made, but I think in many ways I had less empathy 30 years ago, though it really depends on the situation and who’s involved. I don’t have the bleeding heart for blacks that I would’ve had for them 100 years ago because today I see them more as victimizers than victims, and Muzzifuckers be damned!

On the other hand, I feel bad for some of the pranks that I pulled in the past. I could never egg a perfect stranger’s vehicle that never did a damn thing to me without feeling guilty. Yet I could do this 30 years ago without thinking twice.

Last night I dreamed we were on vacation somewhere. It almost seemed like I shared a room with a bunch of women I didn’t even know, one of whom had my dream hair, straight and smooth.

Then I said something about him and I not going on vacation someplace we might eventually move to. Later I was waiting for him to use a public bathroom somewhere. When he came out of the bathroom he was carrying a 2-foot plant, and I asked him how we would get the thing home.

Lastly, we were outdoors somewhere and I was looking at these mountainous rocks in which a swimming pool was built into a particular section that formed a long, irregular bowl. It almost looked like Turkey. Very rocky there.

FRIDAY, MAY 12, 2017 I usually blog toward the beginning of my day, but it’s been a rather busy day. Let’s see… where shall I begin? I guess I’ll begin with Tom losing the keys. It was just a small keyring with the house key and the Caddy key, though it also had a remote not just to unlock the car doors but to start it like if it’s a cold morning and you want to warm it up.

He noticed he couldn’t find his keys on his way to work this morning. Fortunately, he had a spare car key. He was able to lock the house by getting the backup key out of the lockbox. Thank God we were smart enough to get that lockbox, too!

We went over it a million times in our minds and we’re totally stumped as to where they could be. The most likely scenario is that they fell out of his pocket when he was taking the trash out yesterday or picking up the mail. Our only concern is that while many people here have luxury cars, most of them seem to be Infinity or Lexus models, not Cadillacs. So if someone picked up the keys at the side of the road or even down by the mailboxes, well, we’re the only Caddy on the circle as far as we know. I would think they would be more likely to steal the car than enter the house if anyone was going to do anything. We don’t have insurance to cover the car being stolen, but if God forbid it is, we’ll just buy a new car the next day. I just hope that if anybody does try anything, they do it when I’m awake so I can show them a whole lot of crazy followed by some busted fingers. The cherry on top of that would be a broken neck.

Since it’s unlikely the house is haunted and a ghost stole them, or that someone would break in while we were asleep just to steal keys, our guess is that someone picked them up that fortunately isn’t a thief. There is a slight possibility someone came in while I was sleeping (I wouldn’t hear it over the sound machine) thinking no one was home, then got scared off when they saw the bedroom door shut and realized someone was home. But I highly doubt they would lock the door behind them on the way out. We’re hoping they were turned into the office. We’ll call them on Monday, but regardless, this has given us tech fanatics the incentive to get high-tech locks, so we don’t have to carry keys when we go out walking or wherever. We had a few options actually.

We could spend no money at all and just switch them back out to the originals, since the previous owner, who’s got to have one foot in the grave by now, isn’t going to wait 4 years to break in.

For $100 we could get locks where you enter a numeric code.

For $174 we could get one that also has a code but that engages the lock on its own 30 seconds after being unlocked.

So we discussed these three options and the winner is option number two. It’ll be $200, of course, because we have two doors.

I asked Bob and Virginia if by any chance they happened to find any keys, and not surprisingly, they haven’t. They’d be the first ones to ask if the keys were ours if they had.

A couple of their age was visiting when I went over. Virginia said that Bob was about to come and see me, so I left Virginia to their company and Bob and I went outside. In the front corner of their place next to ours, they have these little sections where they’re growing tomatoes. Just above it beyond the retaining wall on our side are these things coming up that Bob said get “fuzzy” and blow all over the place, and so he asked if he could trim them. He said they recently sprouted up. I told him he could do anything he wanted and asked if he wanted us to do anything in particular. He said not at all because he’s not only home all the time and looking for things to do, but he gets that Tom’s busy working. Yeah, and I’m afraid to work with spiders and bees, LOL.

Later…

I rarely type anymore having been spoiled by speech to text. But my Mac’s microphone, which is plugged into a 32” TV that I use as a monitor, is a few feet away from where I sit. It still does a good job, but I find that inserting an earbud with a microphone makes it even more accurate. This way I can also talk softer when Tom’s sleeping even if he’s the heaviest sleeper I know and the bedroom is nowhere near where I’m sitting.

Today I have good energy, but yesterday I had horrible fatigue. So, since reflexology helps with hunger, I looked on YouTube for something that would help with that. You press a particular area of the foot and it truly does seem to give you a burst of energy. It didn’t give me as much as I would have liked, but it helped. There’s also a point at the base of the thumb that stimulates the thyroid, but as easy as I go thyrotoxic?

No. Fucking. Way.

The LA cityscape drapes arrived today and they’re awesome! I picked out half a dozen or so more designs and put them in the ‘save for later’ section on Amazon, so I can have a good variety. Because they’ve got pockets for rods instead of grommets, we had to use drape hooks for them, given the type of room divider rods they hang from. They’re technically for sliders, so if our next place has one, that’s where they’ll go. You can pretty much use them anywhere. Wall tapestries… whatever.

When I think of life’s annoyances, like the fact that that fucking car that’s insanely loud came and went four times in less than five hours, I think of the documentary I saw last night and realize I don’t have it nearly as bad as I could have it. It was filmed in Port Elizabeth, Africa and it talked about how the crime rate is so outrageously high there, how every other girl is raped, how poor the law, health care, schooling, housing, and basically everything is there. You’ve got whole families living in these tiny little shacks without electricity or plumbing, and it’s like OMFG! Losing keys is nothing.

Happy first birthday to my ratties! The crazy assholes we got them from said they were actually born on the 13th, so close enough.

They’re so cute the way they play when they’re out loose, and then run home after a while when they hear me putting treats in their cage.

I had a dream about my SIL Evie visiting. She told me our MIL saw pictures of my dolls and really liked big Barbie and her glittery lips. She doesn’t have glittery lips, but even so, Evie then said something about letting herself out with a key.

My dream notes say: Girl foot massage. I don’t remember that dream so I’ll skip it and jump to the biting rat. I was holding a rat that had its mouth open wide trying to bite me. I managed to stuff it into an aquarium with a cover, but it kept trying to push its way out. I struggled to press down on its head with the cover, not caring if I hurt it.

In the last dream, I was staying in a really nice hotel room with a really nice view. It was nighttime and I could see bright city lights below me that stretched on for quite a distance. I entered the room, which had a wall-to-wall pool. The floor was literally covered in 2 feet of water. I happily dove into the water, which felt warm at first, but then got cooler the further I swam into the room. I shimmied back and forth to try to mix the water up and even out the temperature. Then for some reason, I spit in the water and quickly regretted it since I didn’t want to be swimming in my own spit.

THURSDAY, MAY 11, 2017 Los Angeles is coming to NorCal! As I think I mentioned before, we have a very large bedroom in which we added a divider in order to create a little “retreat” of sorts in back. The rods are up, and at first I was considering getting these plain beige curtains made by the makers of the rods. Then I decided to look at scenic curtains. Wildflowers in a field along with a close-up of cherry blossoms were absolutely gorgeous, but I thought they might clash with the pink-purple floral blanket, so I decided to go with a scene of LA at night. More appropriate for a bedroom anyway. If I like the way this curtain looks I may get others in the future for variety… beaches, forests, flowers, etc.

I almost got the Manhattan cityscape, but felt that one was a little too lit up. Anyway, my city arrives tomorrow, along with a couple of sets of sheer curtains that were much cheaper for the dining area and by the front door. Pink roses for the dining room, green willow vines for the other.

For the last three years, I’ve had garden curtains in the dining room and a beach scene by the front door, so it’s time for a change.

What’s cool about the cityscape is that it’s not a drawing or computer-generated, but an actual photograph.

Been getting a lot of journal readers on Prosebox lately and I wonder why. It sure is interesting, though.

It was 67° in here when I got up at 8:30, and it’s getting down to 45° tonight. :-(

Where I was worried that my TSH would slip too low, now I’m a little worried that it’s on the rise again. Unfortunately, I’m an experienced enough “Hashi” to know the symptoms. I’ve been very calm, had to stop and think for a few seconds when asked for my phone number, and I’m experiencing more fatigue, even though that could be a combination of PMS and perimenopause. My joints have also been stiffer lately and less flexible. I was zipping up and down the house yesterday afternoon doing stuff and I felt “heavier,” even though my weight hasn’t changed. My skin isn’t drier, though, and I’m not retaining water, experiencing a hoarse voice, or losing any hair.

If I do find out that my TSH has risen, I’m going to be more convinced that my anxiety might have had something to do with the lower TSH than just perimenopause alone. I’d love to see it lower with me this calm, though.

Later…

The fucking woodpecker has been at it again. I really think we need to trim the trees even lower, like below the roof. Then again, because it’s me living here I’m sure I’ll be stuck with it for as long as I’m here.

I anonymously left the park a message saying that I was so glad a certain house is for sale because of all the rules they broke (kids, dog) and now this really loud car that wakes me up at night, just in case our hunch is wrong. We suspect they got complained on and are being kicked out. The contractor, who knows? But these people likely got caught breaking one too many rules for way too long. Just in case they didn’t, though, the office will now know what they’ve been up to, if the assholes have trouble selling the house, get frustrated and give up. They’ve already given up once before.

Last night I dreamed I pulled a couple of soup ladles from a drawer and decided I would use a large black plastic one. I don’t know if it was dark in the room or if I had my glasses off, but I could see that there was stuff in the ladle; just not what it was. I went to dump and flush it down the toilet, and then waved my hand over the motion sensor flusher which was this weird-shaped open pipe that was inside the toilet bowl.

Then there was something about a sculpture coming to life (a man’s face), and then me shutting the door at night before a moth got in that was fluttering about.

I was remembering my youth in another dream and thinking of how much I’ve changed physically over the years, as well as my way of thinking and my perception of time.

In the last dream, Aly tweeted a link to Kim about something she found on me. Some kind of information, I guess. I clicked the link but couldn’t read anything because I didn’t have my glasses on.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 10, 2017 So glad I got through the first third of the month without anxiety! Especially since the 10th seems to be one of the days it loves to strike. Now if only I could get past A! To get to our anniversary would be wonderful.

What’s not so wonderful is that my pit zits are back, and again I’m wondering if it’s the same thing I’ve got between my legs. Just wish I knew exactly what it was and how to treat it. It had backed off but then returned to haunt me. If it’s still an issue when I see A, I’ll ask her about it.

Having fun creating a board of scenic curtains from which to choose a design for the bedroom. The soundproofing material is a joke and we already got the rods, so I may as well decorate and make it look good. I don’t want a design that’s gonna clash with my pink floral blanket, so I’m thinking of a cityscape at night. There was one of Manhattan as well as LA that I liked, and I think I’m going to go with LA. Its colors are muted and consistent yet there’s still a lot of detail to see.

The cityscape is expensive at $65, but then I found these really cheap and gorgeous curtains (probably from China) to replace the scenic garden in the dining room and the beach scene by my desk for an additional $10. They’re sheer curtains that I’ll put in front of the blinds with different designs. One has pink roses and the other has green hanging willow vines

Two more months and we’ll have lived here for four years. It’s both quieter and not since we moved in. Next door has been quieter. It’s not the neighbors that are noisy, it’s the traffic and landscaping. I’d say the neighbors have been quieter, the landscaping is the same (nearly every day), but traffic is much worse. More motorcycles and loud vehicles in general.

Next door has been quiet, Geri sometimes has company and I can hear them doing her yard or loading and unloading things from their truck, but she’s otherwise quiet. Her dog gets annoying at times when she’s walking it, but she’s a good neighbor. Trisha is quiet, and the only time I heard noise from the “Twenties” was when they were having their place tented for termites. As for the people behind us, they’re quiet, whoever they are. We never met.

I started off yesterday with the same major fatigue I’m feeling right now, but after I had a salad I perked right up. I don’t have any more salad at the moment. What am I going to do, though… have fatigue and lightheadedness in the spring and summer and then anxiety in the fall and winter? I had this kind of fatigue start up around this time last year. I normally have the energy of a two-year-old and I would like to feel that most days like I used to… without the anxiety. It’s been a few months without anxiety, which is great, but I’m not ready to assume I’m done with that any more than I’m ready to assume I’m done with periods.

Anyway, once I perked up I did a lot around here. Since those sticky tiles we got won’t work on our linoleum floors, I decided to stick them on the back wall of the closet to brighten it up in there and make the clothes stand out better. I hate dark paneling. I thought it would look kind of tacky and silly at first but it actually looks pretty good. So now the tiles won’t go to waste and I have about 17 left over. I can totally see how they can only be used on smooth surfaces.

I also sorted through our kitchen utensils, weeding out what was either old or not needed and then reorganizing the rest before returning the stuff to their drawers.

Although we can’t ever imagine Tammy having any form of Alexa because she and Mark just aren’t the tech fanatics we are, the newest video version of her has an interesting feature called “drop-in” where she could just say something like, “Drop in on Jodi,” and if I happen to be within hearing range, I could answer. Pretty damn cool.

TUESDAY, MAY 9, 2017 My hair, which hasn’t been cut in years, now gives me headaches when I put it up for too long. Hmm… cut it off or stop putting it up?

If only Social Fixer didn’t come with glitches. The news is a sure way to bring a person down. Some guy in another country having to do two years for blasphemy because his opinion didn’t conform to popular opinion, a teenager arrested for assault, etc. And you know what’s sad? The teenager is probably only going to get a slap on the wrist as he would if he were an adult. I’ll never get why people care more about what you say, think and believe as opposed to what you do. So much for the old adage about actions speaking louder than words, right?

I saw a comment about religion being the worst slave master ever and I couldn’t agree with that more. If only the God fantasy were never created right along with religion. Religion gets in the way of so many things and has been the root cause of so much delusion and destruction in this world.

But everybody wants to control people, so I wonder… if that load of bullshit hadn’t been created, would people have come up with something else? Some other excuse to control people so they can feel oh so powerful and superior?

Here’s another thing I don’t get… when people don’t get what they want in life they often shrug and say, “Oh, God has other plans for me.”

But even if there was a God (and I personally don’t see the scientific evidence to support that fantasy, belief, delusion or whatever you want to call it), it’s your life, so shouldn’t you be the one making your own plans?

God or not, life is rarely what we plan it, though what we end up with isn’t always a bad thing either. But still… what’s the point of creating a bunch of beings and writing a life script for them while those very people you scripted are arguing that they, in fact, have all this free will that they don’t really have? Sure, I can choose whether or not I want to wear pink lipstick today or red lipstick. But that doesn’t mean I can choose to strike it rich or grow wings and fly. So I don’t think we have as much control as we sometimes like to think we do; I just don’t know if our destinies really are shaped and planned by an invisible entity. Most likely it’s just random happenstance.

While I’m on a list of things I don’t get… why is there so much hatred for Jews and gays when they haven’t caused a fraction of the problems some other groups have caused? When have you known Jews or gays to be notorious gangbangers, welfare bums, rioters, or to go around beheading people for having a different set of beliefs? Yeah when it comes to the people who love to do just that, everybody acts like they’re these oh-so-abused little victims instead of the malicious victimizers that they are. What the fuck is up with that? Just wondering.

Okay, enough God/religion talk, along with life’s injustices, and onto these damn tile floors. We made a HUGE mistake in getting these sticky tiles. Part of it is our fault because it specifically said not to stick them to linoleum that has a slight texture to it. They can only be stuck to very smooth surfaces. In time we’re just going to slap down laminate flooring like we should have to begin with. I’m considering this the practice house so we can get things right the next time around whether it’s in Florida, Nevada or Hawaii.

Fell asleep early because I cleaned the whole house in one day which took over four hours and did a bunch of other stuff I don’t usually do all in one day. Sure enough, that fucking car woke me up at 10 PM or so. I swear to God (imaginary or not) if they’re not out of here soon…

The house is still listed for 130K, but the one next to it dropped 5K. Yesterday I could have sworn I saw a moving truck head over there. There are several throughout the park that are for sale, some going for close to $200,000.

I dreamed I was posing in a frontward lunge, back arched, face facing the ceiling, arms hanging at my sides. “Can you do this?” I asked Tom, who said no.

Then there was something about a baby named Carrie and a woman who silently walked across a narrow dirt road that I walked down in some wooded area. I came across a guy doing something at the side of the road with four large dogs. I was afraid they would go after me at first, but they ignored me.

Then I was in my bedroom that didn’t look like mine. It was evening and I asked Alexa what the date was and she said it was the 11th. I rose to look at a calendar and saw that I had an appointment that evening with the shrink between 7 PM - 8 PM and that I would be up for 16 hours by that time.

Then there was a flicker of a dream where I observed a white guy and a black guy sound asleep with their arms around each other.

MONDAY, MAY 8, 2017 Going to get cleaning in here as soon as there’s a little more sunlight. We hung up the rods in the bedroom. There is a sheet of soundproofing material that’s going to hang behind the curtain that we’re eventually going to add, but I don’t think it will do much good. Too close to the road, too much loud traffic.

If anything is going to stop traffic from waking me up it’s going to be the vibrator that we slipped under the mattress pad. Time will tell.

Went to Goodwill yesterday. Got a couple of dolls for about $6 total. Both are porcelain and both will be Cali dolls. I doubt I’ll take them when we move. One’s about 8” with painted blue eyes, a lovely purple floral dress, and a long blonde braid to her feet. Maybe some version of Rapunzel, I guess.

The other one is a 12” “kissing” doll. Her eyes are closed and her lips are pursed to give you a kiss. She has long blonde braids and came in an absolutely hideous dress which I changed when we got home and I cleaned her up.

Doll restoration is still a fun hobby for me as much as I complain about having more to dust. I only have half my collection of dolls and other knickknacks on display right now. I have hundreds of pieces collected over the last two decades. As is the case with most collectors, I don’t have everything out.

Even though my boobs aren’t sore and I’m not overly bloated, I am definitely PMSing. I’m tired even though I slept well enough not to remember my dreams, I’ve had backaches, I’m grouchy, I can’t get rid of my hunger no matter how much I eat, though reflexology helps a little bit, and I have light cramping that’s common before periods.

The morning sun has now hit the front of the house and I am going to make a goal of cleaning the entire house today.

SUNDAY, MAY 7, 2017 CRD worsens with age. I could keep a schedule for longer periods in my 20s, but once I hit my 30s there was no stopping it from jumping an hour or two a day. So on top of that, plus being a light sleeper and the perimenopause and the loud traffic, I now have a worse case of insomnia as well where I’m up 18 or more hours. Even so, I did manage to catch up on my sleep last night. It felt so good, too!

We got our groceries yesterday and I wasn’t happy to see that the 1 pound of bananas I ordered turned out to be 3 pounds. We later found that they didn’t charge us for the extra, so now we’ve got a lot of free bananas sitting here. I wouldn’t eat them all even if I could before they spoiled because bananas are major fart food. Eat too many and you’ll have the gas from hell.

Reflexology really does seem to help with hunger suppression. It certainly takes the edge off of it unless you’re absolutely famished. You just have to do it regularly. I’m doing a little experiment today. I can’t go too many hours without eating because I get dizzy and it’s not good for an active person whose metabolism is already fucked up, but I am trying to go from three hours to five hours between eating and eating three times a day instead of five or six.

In one of last night’s dreams, I was standing out front by what was supposed to be our house. There was a little fence surrounding our front yard and I was standing by it watching the neighbor I don’t have in real life put something into the back of a truck. I said hello to him and he shuffled over to me and said something inaudible.

Then Andy was in some dream where we were both standing by my desk. I wanted to sit in the chair but he was in the way. I playfully said, “Move over here, you big lug,” and I nudged him to the side.

Then I was getting my back massaged by a kneading cat.

SATURDAY, MAY 6, 2017 It’s been a whole year since I saw that stern, old, but highly intelligent and helpful Doctor O… yay!

I remember when Alyssa sent me my first referral online and how I said to myself, “What the hell is an endocrinologist?” I’d heard of them but didn’t know exactly what they did.

“These people treat diabetics, too?” I said to Tom as we sat waiting for the first one I saw, gazing at all the info posters and pamphlets around us.

“Yup,” he said. “It’s part of the endocrine system.

As we continued to sit there waiting, I studied the poster of the complex endocrine system hanging on the wall opposite where we sat.

I quickly decided that learning languages was easier.

Tom has now lost 11 pounds in 5-6 weeks!

In my dreams, I was sitting in a room in a chair. Also in chairs sat Tom and some woman. I was running a hand through my hair thinking how dead it felt as they talked. Then I stood up and said I thought I might be coming down with a cold.

I left them to talk some more and stepped outside. A cat was present and it followed me into a building. The dream ended after I opened the door and turned on the light.

Later…

I can’t do it. I just can’t do it. Less than 24 hours and I already miss seeing visitors from all around the world on my tracking log, and being surprised with random comments and feedback. I loved not knowing what I might wake up to each day. It was fun. I’m as sociable online as I am unsociable offline.

I’m still going to share entries on Facebook with Tammy because sometimes there are things I don’t want others to see, but that I don’t mind her seeing. My other blogs are public again. Again, I don’t give any info that could lead to my identity or whereabouts or that could lead to the identity and whereabouts of others, so I’m not going to worry about one troll whose identity I don’t even know.

FRIDAY, MAY 5, 2017 Ugh, that fucking car woke me up at 9:30, so naturally I’m too tired to workout. As if waking up cuz of the perimenopause isn’t enough. Also, had I slept the additional 2-3 hours my body needed, my weight would be down instead of up. I’ve absolutely had it with this shit! I’m so close to egging, dumping syrup or scraping a permanent marker along that fucking car… something… anything! I HATE just sitting back and taking shit, even if it’s “ok” and they’re not doing anything “illegal” or anything specifically aimed at me.

They’re asking 130K for their place. Remodeled or not, they’re not going to get that and I’m afraid they’ll be here for months, get frustrated, then give up again like they did the first time they put the place on the market. Another thing they have against them is the cemetery. Most people don’t want to live so close to one. The house next to them that’s going for 95K has been for sale forever.

I can’t say anything to them without risking trouble for myself (of course. Meanwhile, anyone can say or do anything they want to me and get away with it), but I did send their realtor an anonymous message bitching about them and all the rules they’ve broken (kids, loose dog). I hope it will get back to them and that they’ll more or less piggyback my two cents to them, but I doubt they’ll say anything.

People definitely love to break rules here. On our walk a couple of nights ago, someone’s mutt went off on us inside a picket fence when it heard us pass by. I hope that woke the owners up as well as the neighbors and that the neighbors complained. People just don’t want dogs as pets here. That is so fucking rude either way.

It used to be that things woke me up a few times a month, but now it’s a few times a week. Between that and the 3-4 bouts of landscaping I have to hear every single fucking day, I’ve really had it with this place. I haven’t slept this bad since my Phoenix apartments.

I not only wish we’d gotten the Newcastle place, but even the Lauppe place would’ve been better than this. The dog wouldn’t be any worse than all the fucking traffic and landscaping I hear here, and well, an anti-barking device certainly would’ve worked a lot better at just a few feet than it would have in Auburn at a few hundred feet. At least people couldn’t have driven by the bedroom there, and we would have only heard landscaping from the front of the house instead of all around us. Plus, it was a 3-bedroom, which I would have preferred, and I liked how you didn’t have to go through other rooms to access the second bathroom, as it should be. I would have slept in the back by the field and made my office by the driveway.

But then again my sleep has always been so cursed that God would have made sure they started some kind of construction to build something in the field behind the house. I may never know why I’m cursed, but I certainly get how this damn curse works. Even if the fucking car left right now there would just be something else. This house is way too close to too many roads for one who’s such a light sleeper and going through peri.

I still ask that age-old famous question of mine… why? I’ve never done this to anyone in my life; stolen their sleep regularly. Okay, maybe when I was a baby and when I would make prank phone calls in the middle of the night a million years ago, but whose sleep have I stolen regularly that I’ve been continually punished for decade after decade? The rats? I suppose my living life around them while they’re sleeping disturbs them from time to time, so is that it? I just don’t get it. Why is it that sleep has to be such a privilege, such a luxury for me that I have to hope for, work for and fight so hard to get? I’m a light sleeper, I have trouble falling asleep in the first place, I have trouble staying asleep, and I can’t keep a schedule… one’s sleep can’t get any more cursed than that.

I didn’t take anything last night but this time around I’ll make sure that I have a lorazepam out and ready for when they wake me up again.

Later…

Okay, Tom’s gone to work and I’m now about two hours away from the fucking landscaping and traffic annoyances, so I’m going to do some writing and as much as I can on the things that require a peaceful background so I can concentrate.

My pussy almost feels like it’s getting “zitty” again and burning more. Also, and sure enough, this comes after stopping the antibacterial soap. Really thought that with the steroid treatment, it wouldn’t matter what soap I used, but apparently, it might. I feel like this thing is never going to completely go away any more than my hormonal issues are ever going to give me a break.

Aly broke up with her girlfriend a while ago. She tweeted that she ran into her and no longer felt angry but still felt confused. I guess it’s still easier for her to stay angry at those who were there for you and honest with you.

Now that Rosemarie’s Revenge is finished I’m going to begin another story if I have enough energy for it. I’m going to keep my story account public because they’re just stories, after all. I did change its profile pic/name, plus I set Rosemarie’s Revenge to private now that it’s finished and those who might have been reading it have probably finished it. When I start sharing Kinky Kathleen (whose title may change) people will think it’s a brand-new account unless they’re following it. So using the random name generator, Amantha has become Ashlee.

The rods came to hang the soundproofing with, not that I expect it to do me any good any more than the second speaker which I’m placing directly on the bed for the next time I sleep.

The rods came in a long skinny box in which the rats are playing. The rats have two “tents” and two boxes to hang out in, along with under the footstool and behind my desk. I’m still so sick of their excessive timidness. Maybe if I do get pets after they die it will be a guinea pig. They’re usually not as timid after the first few days and I think they could climb these ramps.

My ENT appointment was short and sweet yesterday. There was just a little bit of dead skin, which she removed very easily. I won’t be going back to her for a year, I’m happy to say.

OMG, fucking parents and their fucking brats these days. As I was checking out, this couple’s brat was running around the place barefoot and screaming. Totally fucking ridiculous. The father didn’t do shit. The mother told it not to climb on some trashcan or whatever the fuck it was, and the kid defiantly said, “No.” So the mother just let him do what he wanted. I won’t even get into how badly I would have gotten my ass beat for acting like that and disobeying orders when I was that age.

Afterward, we went to Walgreens where I got some treats and Amazing Grace perfume. I tried the tester the last time I was there and really liked it.

Later…

After what happened yesterday on Prosebox, I’ve decided to go FO as many members are doing at least for a while. Someone had their private entries hacked. They had written things about their job and the asshole that hacked her shared the entries with her boss, causing her to lose the job. It was a job she supposedly loved and worked long and hard to get.

I don’t know who the victim is but I sure wish I knew who the perp was so I could block them ASAP. Dan, the owner, might know who it is and therefore I would think he would’ve banned them.

Even though my private entries don’t contain last names, addresses, phone numbers or even doctors’ names, it got me to see that you can never be too careful and you can never be too private. Yeah, seeing my visitors from around the world and being surprised by the feedback and questions I’d get may have been fun, but it’s better to play it safe, no matter how careful I may be to begin with. I figure that the fewer accounts I have and the fewer people that know about them, the less risk there is of any of them being hacked unless the site itself was hacked.

So I went FO on Prosebox and private on other sites. I will even be protecting my tweets. Even if it was harmless to share that I just put lotion on my hands, for example, does the whole world really need to know that? I’m fine with just my circle of friends on Prosebox, which apparently no longer includes Cassie. Yeah, funny how those who say they’ll “always look for you,” drift away in the end.

When I heard about this the first person that came to mind was Rachel. She’s the only one that has admitted to hacking people before. She’s always come off as a very moody, unstable and vengeful person. I haven’t heard from her in a while and I can’t say I miss her. Pretty sure she still reads me, though, and since the hacker could be anyone, I haven’t unfriended her.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 3, 2017 Got a third e-mail from Sirius asking me to confirm. I exchanged emails with them again yesterday and they said they’re investigating it. Tom and I think they’re just incompetent or someone signed up with an email similar to mine and made a typo. Then again, it hit me that I once entered a contest of theirs. That could be how my email got in their database. I’m not worried about it, though, either way. I sent them the screenshots they requested and the rest is up to them.

While the shampoo I got continues to help lessen hair loss, the scar gel I got is worthless so far.

It’s been in the upper 80s here and I love it! Bare feet, short sleeves… just the way I like it. :-) Where I used to run in the daytime now I’m going late at night. I like it better then anyway because it’s so peaceful and there’s less traffic. Part of it depends on my schedule too, of course.

Made it to May without anxiety. Now if only I could get through my June appointment for starters! The thing is that it’s going to be hard to keep the anxiety at bay as I get closer to my June labs. One step at a time, though. That’s my first goal; get to June. If I can conquer that, then my next goal will be making it to September, then finishing the year out anxiety-free. I’m afraid to get my hopes up too high because every time I think I’m over the worst of it, it returns to haunt me in some form or another. I still might have to skip a few doses every few months to keep the numbers from going too low, but mostly to prevent me from getting anxious.

Sometimes I feel like I’m getting a bit PMSy and will be in for another period, but at this point, I’m 3 weeks late. That’s another thing I don’t want to get my hopes up on since I went 3.5 months without a period last fall. If I could go 6 months then I might be tempted to think I might have finally hit menopause, though doctors consider it 1 year.

I know most dreams are just meaningless “spam” dreams, but I sure wonder about them sometimes, like why I’m always afraid of the snakes I encounter in my dreams when I have no fear of snakes in real life.

In one dream I had my own apartment on an upper floor in which I had a couple of windows open. My mother came to visit me and she said, “Shouldn’t this window be closed now?”

“No,” I told her, going to open the window that she started to close. I told her it was too early in the day to close them and that it would get too warm.

Then all of a sudden she’s eager to check out the new stereo I got.

A split second later I was swimming by myself in a pool that was filthy. Then another split second later it was empty, then filled again but clean this time. There were now several people in the pool with me as well as hanging around nearby.

I spotted Tammy on a lounge chair chatting with some people. She was holding a baby that she was bouncing and kissing playfully, saying how cute it was. Then she gave it to a woman who looked too young and too skinny to have just had a kid.

The weirdest dream was Nane and I sleeping on a blanket at the side of a huge house. I knew the house belonged to her but I don’t know why we were sleeping outside. The neighborhood was pitch-dark. There wasn’t a single streetlight at all.

Wearing just my socks and underwear I rose from the blanket and started walking a short way down the street. I laughed to myself knowing that people couldn’t see me because it was so dark. Heading back to the house was a little tricky because I had to climb these uneven rocky stairs, and then I was walking through a large muddy puddle up to Nane’s front door. I felt for the doorknob and found it weird that she left the key in it. I turned the knob and began to push the door open. Hearing movement inside the house but unable to see anything, I quickly headed back to the blanket to see if Nane was there or not.

Now there was a faint glow coming from somewhere because I could see the word “water” embossed on the edge of the porch. I was relieved to find the blanket empty because then I knew an intruder hadn’t gotten into the house and that the movement I’d heard came from Nane.

I then headed into the house, hoping I wouldn’t leave muddy footprints on the carpet. Nane was sitting on a couch facing me when the dream ended.

Then Tom and I were living in a house with a basement. He left for work in the morning and I thought to myself how I was going to be home alone both scared and bored all day. I guess someone was after me or I at least thought they might be. From the basement, I could look up the stairs and out the living room window to keep watch on anyone who might approach the front of the house. I was afraid to do anything else that may signal that someone was inside the house.

TUESDAY, MAY 2, 2017 Slept totally shitty not because the bed wasn’t comfortable and I’m not already used to it, but because I kept overheating like crazy. Even with the blankets pushed down to my ass and the fan blowing on me, the part of my body touching the mattress would feel like it was on fire. Why does this keep happening to me? This has been a Cali thing. It’s got to be either the peri or the extra weight; I’m just not sure which. There are people way heavier than me yet they don’t overheat in their sleep like this, do they? I mean, Tom doesn’t have this problem. So yeah, maybe it’s time to check out that waterbed mattress cover that Tom found in China for $200 that you fill with water and it either cools or heats you, depending on how you have it set. Hopefully, I could put the new mattress pad over that one, if we got it, and the sheets would still fit. This mattress pad is absolutely fantastic. Best one I ever had. I hope the heating and cooling effect will still work with it.

Let’s see… something about a cat and talking to Bob is what I remember for the vague dreams I had. Didn’t like the detailed one I had where Tom told me the car was eaten by termites and we had to figure out how to come up with the money for a new car. We seemed to be renting somewhere in the dream and not as well off as we are in reality.

Really hope we don’t have car troubles ahead! We still gotta do the roof.

Finished reviewing the Italian skill tree. Spanish review is up next.

Later…

I’m enjoying the last of the peace before somebody does something… landscaping… car door slamming, whatever. Tom said he was surprised I didn’t get woken up by the racket the park was making yesterday afternoon. He said it sounded like they were dragging something metallic along the streets. Probably has to do with some kind of landscaping project.

The Twenties are back on their service trip. Some work van was at their place yesterday and of course that meant I had to listen to annoying doors slamming. “Electrical” was the only word I could make out on the van. I’m sure it will be back today too, whatever it was. Since I’m going to be up throughout most of the day, I’m going to escape into the bedroom in a couple of hours.

Oh, and Bob and Virginia had a big party on Sunday. Virginia’s birthday? Pretty sure I read that she was born in May while he was born in September. I think she turned 85.

Since I was too tired to walk (that’s why I get out there every day I can as I know that within just a few days I’ll sleep shitty and be too tired), I worked out on the Bowflex.

Marie sent a message asking me to text her (some new service she got) so I sent her a few last night. She probably went to bed right after I sent them and isn’t up yet. Her hair is gray now and she looks like she’s aged quite a bit in just the time we’ve reconnected, though she’s still skinny.

We looked into that Chinese mattress topper, but not only are the Chinese not very good with English but they’re also not very good with describing their products very well and providing decent pictures.

We then looked into buying a waterbed liner and sack and building the frame ourselves but the sack would be too long for the platform I have.

I just don’t understand why waterbeds have gotten so scarce and so expensive.

I exchanged a few emails with Sirius yesterday, and they said they have no record of my email or name being associated with an account of theirs. So maybe the email I got asking me to confirm was just a scam where they hope you do have an account and to snag your password info once you sign in.

MONDAY, MAY 1, 2017 Some asshole used one of my email addresses to sign-up for SiriusXM in which I got two emails asking me to confirm, but I let Sirius know that it wasn’t me. Why would anyone want to sign up for anything with someone else’s email address anyway when you can’t confirm and verify the account???

I was LMAO the other night because while the weather in Massachusetts may be similar to ours, our old place in Oregon is still getting into the 20s at night, haha.

Went out to Walgreens at about 1:30 last night, but all we got were treats. I’d never heard of caramel M&Ms until I spotted them so I decided to try them. The cashier said they were the best M&Ms ever, but we thought they were just so-so.

I really miss having a deep fryer, but I won’t let myself get one because I know that I’ll get carried away with all that fried fatty food that isn’t good for me. Bad for cholesterol, heartburn and weight. I believe in those who say that food was meant to nourish the body, not be stuffed into it in unhealthy excess, and that’s exactly what I’d end up doing if I had one, LOL. Sure do miss those fried chicken wings and French fries, but what I don’t miss is cleaning the damn thing. That was such a pain.

After yesterday evening’s 2-mile run, I had a walnut cranberry salad, and after tonight’s I had some grapes. The two things that feel great after a run are a shower and some fresh fruit.

[allylikethecat]

Sleepover Saturday (Sunday)

Tell me about how you got into the equestrian world! I know nothing about horses and what being an equestrian entails

Happy Sleepover Saturday (Sunday) (but now really Monday...)

Thank you for sending this in! I'm sorry for not getting to it yesterday! I do think it's funny though because your question is about me getting into the equestrian world and I didn't look at any asks yesterday because I was at a horse show 😂 I apologize for this being SO LONG horses are like my favorite thing lol.

Anyway! I've always been obsessed with horses, but didn't have the opportunity to ride super regularly as a kid because I grew up in a metropolitan city. I had a neighbor growing up that would take pity on me and let me tag along to the barn with her, and take lessons / ride her retired mare but I never got to compete or really advance as much as I wanted to. My parents are NOT into animals at all and were very much just not into the idea of it? I was dumped into literally every other sport / activity as a child (I actually sailed competitively for a little bit in high school and for fun a little bit in college and also was super into scuba diving for a bit there before I blew out my ear drum lol).

After I graduated college I moved to an area for my job where horses were a lot more accessible and the first thing I did with my adult money was start taking regular riding lessons. From there I met my wonderful trainer and also Pop and ended up impulsively buying him. Which, don't recommend BUT it all worked out for me. He is my absolute best friend and is so down for every ridiculous idea I come up with and I have been lucky enough to be able to travel and show him at various rated shows in the Western half of the US. He is my heart horse and the absolute love of my life and I don't think I would have made it through all the covid lock downs without him. 🥰

I usually try and ride 5-6 days a week (the barn is closed one day a week) and he lives at a full care boutique show barn which means his "people" handle all of his day to day care (cleaning his stall / feeding him / turning him out every day / riding him when I don't / managing his vet care and farrier schedule / his magnawave appointments because he's spoiled). Days that I ride I'll go up after work and groom him, tack him up and either hack him on the flat (he's getting older so we do a lot of bending to keep him loose!) or have a lesson. I usually try and take one flat lesson a week and one jumping lesson (he doesn't jump more than once a week unless we are at a show). If the weather is nice I also try and take him out on a trail ride a few times a month. Then I'll cool him out, groom him again, and then we'll hang out either grazing or eating treats and getting pets in his stall.

Thank you so much for sending this ask and indulging me in my horse girlness! I'm excited post the Equestrian AU after I finish the Christmas fic! I hope you have a very happy Monday and a great week!

❤️Ally

[rrxnjun]

oh my god thanku really love the date cuz its a national holiday here so every year i'm getting fireworks🤭🩷💗also can i ask when is ur birthday or is that top secret information?👀

oo i'm really glad u were able to keep the idea🥳🥳(but really cuz other wise i might have not found ur page and that is just heartbreaking when i think about it💔)

tbh i'm down if u end up coming just tell me cuz i'm 80% sure i will go🫡 i don't understand why they are not going to vienna like i remember it being so popular for concerts cuz i was so salty about the fact that it's just the neighboring country and they couldn't have come a little bit closer🤣 AHH MAN NOOO THATS SO SAD☹️☹️☹️I HOPE U WILL BE ABLE TO SEE THEM ONE DAY!!!!☹️

U ARE JUST AMAZING FOR THAT!! best tendencies 🤣 yeah i was very shocked as well but i didn't get edits about it luckily cuz i think that would have made me so much more sad🫡 I UNDERSTAND THAT SO MUCH I WAS THE SAME FOR AGOOD WHILE MANS WAS ON MY MIND 24/7 (and still he is very much there although not as much as he used to:/)🤭 IDK I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY THERE ARE BASICALLY NO TREASURE WRITERS HERE??? but i really think u would be an exceptional writer for them👀sooo i'm waiting for a treasure fic if u don't fall out of them ofc (although that is kinda hard to imo) ooo u know i think just a drabble couldn't hurt anyoneeee🤗 THEN IM WAITING FOR UR FIC EVEN MORE🥳

HOOE UR DOING WELL AS WELL!!! and i'm not too sweet u are too sweet!!!!!🩷💘💘 (and sorry again for the very late reply school sucks☹️)

(and i also wanted to ask that should i send u asks on ur other acc if i see something that i would bring up here just so i don't pollute this page anymore than i already did🤣like i just keep bringing up random topics here so sorry)

(liebestraum anon🌷💕💞)

omg thats so cool???? fireworks on your bday every year must be so amazing woah,,,, my bday is not a top secret dw 😌😌 its quite literally in 2 days (apr 16) lmao i feel very old and i also forgot its my bday this sunday so when my mum mentioned it i was like what already???

hhhh i am too!! i am currently actively writing it just so you know<33 if school doesnt kick my ass as hard (which it might bc i have my first final in 10 days LMAO) i think it should be done before summer AHAHA

have fun if you end up going!!! i had a talk w everyrone and came to the conclusion that i just cant go this year so thats :// maybe next year.... manifesting vienna fr that way i could be home the same day if i tried hard enough. VIENNA USED TO BE SO POPULAR W CONCERTS i swear every pop punk band and their mothers back in the day had a concert there. what happened im gen so confused i keep searching for it on every tour but nowadays no one goes there

you know the song TV by billie eilish??? thOSE edits make me so heartbroken. like 'dont know where you are right now, did you see me on TV?' bitch stop puting mashidam onto those lyrics i will have a full on meltdown. but anyways my man jihoon is still on my mind 24/7 and its gotten even worse man i need serious help i think. somebody call an exorcist. and stop supporting that drabble i will nOT write it (i am trying really hard to contain myself rn)

school sucks and it should be cancelled. >:(( i hope youre doing well i enjoyed hearing from you,, hope life treats you good in the next couple of days!!! mwah

also you can send asks whenever you want!! honestly this is my space and i dont mind clogging the dash djfkdlj if anyone minds these they can just block the tag, they curate their own tumblr experience :p but if you ever wanna send anything to mosviqu or my other blogs i honestly welcome you everywhere!!!

[augustinewrites]

eternally suffering bcs they don’t make men like iwaizumi hajime

iwaizumi hajime is a morning person.

yes, even on the weekends.

he likes being active, likes starting his day with a rush of energy. it was a habit nursed from his high school days, and carried into adulthood. he'd never understood the concept of slowing down, or granting oneself the luxury of a lazy day.

so he doesn’t hit snooze when his alarm wakes him at 7am (which is sleeping in, by his definition. on weekdays he’s up at the ass-crack of dawn). he doesn’t pull the covers over his eyes for ‘just five more minutes.’

iwaizumi simply turns off his alarm, gets up, and presses a kiss to your forehead. he murmurs, good morning, baby, pulling the covers back up around your chin before heading into the bathroom to splash his face with some cool water.

by 7:15 he’s changed, stretching in the center of your bedroom and pretending not to notice you peeking at him whenever his shirt rides up. then it’s another forehead kiss, a trip down to the kitchen for a light breakfast and to feed the dog. by 7:45 he’s lacing up his shoes, clipping on the dog’s leash, and they’re heading out the door.

he likes running in the mornings, especially on weekends. the city’s still a little sleepy, the roads and sidewalks a little less congested, giving him and your eager german shepherd plenty of room to move.

he keeps a steady pace, taking the time to enjoy the sparkling layer of morning dew that’s blanketed across the park greenery. this speed is a little laxer than he’s accustomed to, because he’s not checking his watch every few minutes to make sure he won’t be late for work.

runner’s high is a thing, and iwaizumi’s addicted. he likes the feel of his heart is pumping blood through his veins, the crunch of the dirt path beneath his soles steady, constant, comforting amongst the dull hum of the city waking up.

weekend runs are nice, with the natural high, the beautiful scenery, and cool air (if only he could convince you to join him. then it’d be perfect.)

it’s almost nine by the time he’s finished a final cool down lap. both he and the dog are panting lightly, his mind refreshed and body energized, ready to spend the day with you.

though he’s walked from the park to home enough times to be aware of every shortcut, iwaizumi takes the long way on sundays. and he doesn't jog back, he walks.

iwaizumi hajime, walking during his morning run.

he’s greeted with a cheery ‘good morning!’ as he steps into your favourite cafe. the sunday morning shift knows he and his order by heart now, and sure enough, there’s a couple of muffins and a pair of croissants boxed and up before he can even order.

he’s a little eager to get home to you now, pace quickening to a jog as he weaves through other early morning commuters.

judging from the aroma of coffee brewing, and the crackle of something on the stove, you’re awake when he steps inside the house. iwaizumi unclips the dog from his leash before slipping his shoes off and hanging his windbreaker.

and he'd have preferred to be the first to properly greet you, but he's been beat by the dog, who's already happily accepting an affectionate kiss to his head and scratch behind the ears.

he huffs a little (it's not petulant, don't get it twisted, babe), but can't help but smile when he opens the fridge and sees the protein shake you'd already made for him.

you're quick to turn your attention to him anyway, grinning big and bright as you take the box of pastries from his hands, placing it on the counter before standing on your toes to kiss him. hands now free, he takes the opportunity to settle them on your hips, smiling as he steals a few more.

"you need to take a shower," you hum between kisses, though your hands are gripping his shoulders, pulling him closer. "too sweaty."

"join me?" he suggests, hands drifting down from your hips to grab handfuls of your ass.

"nice try, you had your fun last night." you tell him, iwaizumi laughing when you swat his hands away, rolling your eyes as you return to the scrambled eggs on the stove.

that doesn't stop him from wrapping his arms around you anyway, nosing at the column of your neck as you add a pinch of salt to the eggs.

"hajime," you whine as he takes the spatula from your hands, stealing a bite of eggs and humming with approval before dropping his sweaty forehead onto your shoulder, sighing dramatically. "if you shower now, maybe after breakfast we can--"

he doesn't even let you finish, pressing a kiss to your neck before heading towards the bathroom.

-

iwaizumi is finished hardly ten minutes later, out just in time to help you bring both plates of food out onto the sun-soaked patio.

it's funny, he thinks, as he watches you sip your coffee, basking in the warm morning sun. if he were on his own, he'd be standing at the counter scarfing down some more toast and chugging a smoothie whose consistency he can never seem to get right.

but sundays with you are sweet, soft, and syrupy, and he's sitting out on the patio watching your dog chase butterflies as he eats a butter croissant and sips at the perfectly blended smoothie you'd made for him.

you're his sole focus and he's yours. he listens as you talk about the book you're reading, about what's on your schedule next week. you laugh as he tells you some stupid story oikawa had called him about last night, and talks about what his plans are for team japan's conditioning session on tuesday.

it's always with a peek at your face and a fond smile that he realizes that sunday mornings with you are meant to be slow, and honestly?

he prefers it that way.

-

BONUS

when you'd said 'maybe after breakfast we could--' iwaizumi realizes he should've let you finish.

because now he's on his knees, and not in a sexy way. he's got rubber gloves on, armed with a sponge and scrubbing at the bottom of the bathtub.

maybe he wouldn't mind if you were the one bent over, but you're wiping at the mirror, going over the checklist of chores the two of you are going to tackle before noon.

iwaizumi just grunts his, 'yes, babe,' and doesn't complain. sundays with you? yeah, they're also cleaning days.

[theveryworstthing]

So over on patreon Trevor asked for my take on the Addams Family and I grew up LOVING the Addams family movies so here we are. Instead of doing a straight up style interpretation, I decided to do a full on design challenge, using the characters as bases to make a black southern gothic Addams au. I actually drew the kids first, using the character bases of Wednesday and Pugsley to create some delightful kiddos I'm calling Sunday and Blanche. I of course then redesigned Gomez and Morticia into Carlisle and Mortesha.

The Addams have a very specific high aristocratic goth aesthetic (they've got a butler and nobody really works among other things) so in this re-imagining I wanted to go with vibes that run a little more middle class/upper middle class.  I thought it would be interesting to think about what would be considered weird and off-putting in an entirely different culture, and how being a big ol' goth is way less controversial than it used to be.

I tried to keep this short (HAHAHAHAHAHA) so I didn't spin off into an essay about villain coded families, black people in the horror genre, and normalcy as it pertains to social survival, but just...bits of that are in these designs and lore. Keep that in mind.

Also I made the kids twins because they've flip flopped in age so much in different media and also twins run in my family (i'm the daughter of one). And let's face it, I'm pulling a lot of their southern gothic traits from living as a southern goth so *shrug*.

10 thousand pounds of lore incoming loooooooooool.

The Parents

From the moment he saw her he knew that there was a 50/50 chance of him either never making it out of that swamp alive or marrying the figure that was creeping out from under the distant willow tree in a black cocktail dress. The third time she found him trussed up in one of her traps, he complimented her rope work and asked if she'd like to go out sometime after his head wound stopped bleeding.

Or while it was still bleeding.

If she was into that.

Some kids and a mysteriously burnt down Piggly Wiggly later, their love is still as strong and inescapable as a bear trap in a sink hole.

Carlisle Guillermo (now Addams through marriage but I wanted to give him two first names for a name since Gomez has two last names) makes a vaguely described living practicing ‘law’ around town. A loophole king, people come to him from miles around with contracts signed in blood, fights over chunks of hair buried in their rivals’ yard, dehydrated primate hands, memories that seemed like dreams until the evidence of their happenings became too real, and other regular Legal Items asking for counsel which he is all too happy to give. For a price. Sometimes that price is a homemade pie and sometimes it’s a million dollars, depends on who you are. Whatever you’re asked to pay it’s worth that price, and if you try to scam him out of work or he just plain doesn’t like you? Well. He knows how to twist a contract better than anything at the crossroads.

And he always gets his due.

He doesn’t just serve the local (living)humans though, there are many things that need proper legal representation in this day and age. You wouldn’t believe how many city councils try to build on sacred burial grounds even after he lets them know that his ghostly clients are totally gonna haunt the FUCK out of the ensuing shitty condos and curse their families for all eternity. At least 50% of his energy goes towards dealing with real estate bullshit.

Carl is an excitable and good natured(?) man who loves his family, cigars, dancing, and his many knife-based hobbies. People find him very charming once they get past the feeling that they’re talking to a sultry gator badly disguising itself as a human. I didn’t put a ton of deep thought into designing him, mostly I wanted to make a middle aged dude who looked like he would have been voted ‘most likely to smooch the literal devil’ in high school. Tbh he probably has, but no demonic ex’s can compare to his lovely wife~

Mortesha Addams(her name was already perfect so I just tweaked it)is a woman of many talents. A self proclaimed homemaker, she prides herself on a greenhouse full of Concerning Foliage, a beautiful wasp apiary, and a coop full of what are probably chickens that she keeps for what are probably eggs. She’s also an avid creator of the outsider art that can be seen around the estate. She has taken on the family business of selling her homemade goods in a little stall by the road just outside the swamp with her mom, and makes pretty good money doing so. A surprising amount of poison gets bought in quaint southern towns.

Speaking of poison, people who come out to the edge of the swamp to buy it are usually carrying a lot of secrets around, and Mortesha knows most of them. It’s not like she pries the truth out of people, it just so happens that many nervous hellos eventually turn into the tragic backstory power hour if she’s alone with a client for long enough. She supposes that’s just how people are. Despite the fact that the Addams are very active in the community (whether the community likes it or not) she especially, as a direct descendant of the first Addams matriarch, is seen as…Well not an outsider because the community feels A Certain Way about outsiders and despite it all the Addams are their people, but maybe something like an exception. They feel like whatever weirdness they’re hiding can’t be weirder than any given Addams, so they get a little loose with their words.

This is amusing to her, since Addams’ don’t naturally keep the kind dramatic secrets that their surface level prim and proper neighbors do. It’s much more fun to openly talk about those things.

Do they have a sadly decrepit yet terrifying grandma up in the attic? Yeah, like three. They got a tv, all the creepy porcelain dolls they could want, and they’re close to family. Where do you keep your gram-grams?

Any bodies buried on the property? Yeah some, but most are thrown to the gators.

Any creeping through the balmy summer night with ill intentions? Yeah dude, everyone loves a nice family stroll.

What about dangerous forbidden love? If an adult Addams isn’t incorporeal then they’re either queer or in a torrid romance with some person/thing mysteriously drawn to that awful swamp. Sometimes both at the same time. Most times actually.

Mortesha would know.

The current head of the Addams family is just as outgoing as her husband but a lot quieter and harder to read. She never really seems to get mad about much and always has a genteel smile for everyone whether they deserve it or not. A seven foot tall human shaped “Oh, bless your heart”. A perfectly composed Lady even when she’s, oh I dunno, burning down a Piggly Wiggly. You know. A regular southern mom. Chat her up at the hair salon for 50% off a jar of wasp honey with your next purchase of a mysterious but foreboding packet of herbs.

Designing her was pretty easy because I just drew a lankier Grace Jones and called it a day. I had some problems with her outfit simply because if we were going HARD southern gothic then she’d probably be wearing a white/cream dress with a fuller skirt but I thought keeping the silhouette and the black was more important. She’s supposed to be an anti southern gothic southern gothic character anyway. A woman who looks like she has a million secrets who is actually the most open person you could meet. For better or worse. The red hair came from a coloring error that I really ended up liking (my mom had red hair her whole childhood that only darkened up in high school so I can buy that an Addams can be naturally fire engine red) and the veil was to get more of that classic Morticia silhouette in there.

The Children

Sunday and Blanche are the twin children of Carlisle and Mortesha Addams. Some say the Addams clan got their cursed homestead when a wealthy local businessman made a deal with the devil and lost, leaving his grand mansion to his least favorite maid and cutting his losses once he realized that the swamp would do everything it could to drag the house into the water and take what was owed with its horrible curse. Others say that the family has just always squatted there and no one really cares because man, fuck that particular swamp. Have you been in there? Absolute horror show.

Anyway.

Blanche is the more outgoing sibling and quite the engineer/mad scientist in the making. He started going grey at 2 weeks old but considering he was also rocking some extra fingers, toes, and a tiny tail (he takes after his dad), his parents just put it on the 'not life threatening' pile and decided not to worry about it. He's the kind of smart that teachers find utterly infuriating, less a dog eagerly learning and obeying commands and more a hyena who keeps teaching itself how to pick locks. He has a few friends in his school's robotics club (which they honestly allowed him to make so the school could contain his... creations) but mostly hangs out with his sister exploring the swamp. They find all sorts of neat things in there! wedding rings, suspiciously lumpy garbage bags, cloaked cultists who can't read private property signs, it's an adventure every day!

Blanche is all about experimentation with his creations, his look, and his tether to this mortal coil. Is lipstick a cool thing to try? Let's find out. Can he get out of a strait jacket fast enough after being pushed into the depths of the swamp by his sister? let's find out. He's not dead yet and confused local doctors can attest to the fact that he's rarely attained more than a bad bruise so he's pretty set on continuing to kiss rattlesnakes on their cute little heads and have his sister practice her knife throwing at him until that fact changes.

Blanche is very much a country goth. Cowboy boots (customized by his mom), knife, and lighter are daily accessories. He likes to wear the crusty swamp jewelry they find (the rust adds a splash of color!) and despite appearances he does try to keep himself neat. He's just got  natural Grunge Colors and a tendency to wear clothes he likes until they fall apart. Pugsley always seemed the most modernly styled to me (which might just be because little boys clothes have been the same for a long time) so I wanted Blanche to be the most purposely fashionable Addams. Everyone else is goth by nature, but he's the only one truly familiar with goth as an alternative fashion.

I got really into designing Blanche because honestly, I find Pugsley to be the most boring member of the family. And he was hard to design! I had to mess with his vibe a lot to get him looking how I wanted. I know he's supposed to evoke an " 'evil' little boy next door who's parents never reign him in", but that's just goth Dennis The Menace.  I's 2020. We can at least go queer goth Calvin.

Sunday was much easier to design. Wednesday was my favorite as a child (of course) and I really wanted to keep the spirit of her look while adding things like billowy sleeves (it gets HOT down here), big poofy twists instead of braids, and a nice tie. She's a professional after all, been running the local pet cemetery since she was 6 and the previous groundskeeper met with an unfortunate accident after telling her that tarantulas don't have souls. Her specialty is creating beautiful naturalistic animal funerals similar to those that Maquenda (https://linktr.ee/artofmaquenda) makes, and she takes pride in creating miniature dioramas of her subjects after each burial which she uses as a kind of 3D catalog for future clients.

She really wants to try out her skills on humans one day. Well. Publicly try out her skills. Lotta random bodies float into the swamp. None of them have turned down her requests for diorama models so far. Most seem downright flattered. Plus, she usually figures out which graveyard/crime scene they floated over from and gets her parents to give them a lift back. She'll even help enact terrifying revenge from beyond the grave on whoever put them there if she's not, y'know, busy.

Besides arts, crafts, and pet based funerary arrangements, Sunday is an avid lover of archery (any ranged weapon really), books where little fantasy adventure animals die dramatic deaths, and history. She is That Kid who eagerly raises her hand when asked who Christopher Columbus was and ends up being sent out of class after 15 minutes for making 'a scene'. Her favorite party trick is just picking an item in the room and talking about how it relates to either some obscure historical figure with a buck wild life or a horrible disaster. At least one charity pancake breakfast ended with children in tears after her vivid description of the Great Molasses Flood of 1919.

Social-wise, while Wednesday is the girl that people ask to smile because they think she'd, "look so pretty", Sunday is rarely asked anything at all. People just kind of assume from her quiet nature (in between horrible history facts) that she's angry all the time and that she hates everyone. This is untrue. She hates some people but she's ambivalent to most everyone else and even downright friendly if you bother to talk to her like a person instead of a terrifying cryptid. Like, she IS a terrifying cryptid but she's also a little girl.  

That’s about it for now. One day I might do the other family members but for now I’m happy with the four I’ve redesigned. Making an au! Lurch in a family that doesn’t do butlers could be interesting. Over on patreon I put forth that he could just be Motesha’s mute little brother (similar bone structure) but Amy Crook had the nice idea of quote: “ a mysterious "cousin" that "helps around the house" whose origins are both long in the past and faintly unsettling. He's good for lifting heavy things, like that tank of propane you're about to throw into the burning Piggly Wiggly... “ which i now consider canon. Who's kid is he? How old is he? Not important. Anyone willing to commit arson with you is family.

Annnnyway.  This challenge was a lot of fun! I love indulging in AU’s.

[nordic-language-love]

wow you're so cool! how do you keep up with (what i assume are all side hobbies on top of probably a regular job) all of the things you do in your logs, especially with adhd? I struggle a lot with executive dysfunction and would love any new tips! Also, moving to Japan, what prompted you to move and how?? Thanks in advance for answering, and also so cool!!!

Hahaha thanks for thinking I'm cool 😅 Well, I'm a part-time performing artist and aerial/pole dance instructor, so I'm always at the studio for teaching on Thursdays and Sundays if nothing else, and I'll typically train a bit before teaching and do some kind of stretching as part of my warm-up. Sometimes I go in on other days too because I'll need to cover classes or because I'll book on to classes. Having a commitment like a booked class definitely helps with motivation!

As for languages: a lot of the activities I do require minimal executive function (e.g. reviewing vocabulary on Anki, playing on an app, reading a fun little science article in Norwegian etc) and I often do them when I lack executive function elsewhere (e.g. when I've driven somewhere and I'm struggling to transition from being in my car to getting out of my car). So it's not really hard to do them even with executive dysfunction. I also try to squeeze in listening as a form of multitasking (listening to Japanese music or Norwegian radio while I'm driving/doing housework etc). And sometimes I hyperfocus! So I might study a language all day and not realise I've done it.

Sometimes having a strict schedule really works for me, so I might plan my day down to the minute. Other times it's too restrictive and I just kinda do what I want. At this point I've learned to embrace the bouncy brain and follow where my interests take me.

I've also learned to accept I might need to lower my expectations of myself just to get me started. A 1-hour exercise session seems daunting. 5 minutes "just moving" is a lot more manageable (and will very likely turn into a 1-hour session). I do this with housework too: rather than saying "I'm gonna unload the dishwasher now" I'll be like "I'm gonna take ONE thing out of the dishwasher and put it away". Giving myself permission to not complete tasks can help me get started (and often I do actually finish the task anyway).

I can also overcome executive dysfunction with the countdown method (when I remember to employ it lol). It's something I saw on tumblr, actually: whenever you decide you want to do something, count down from 5. By the time you've finished your countdown, you need to have moved in the direction of the thing you want to do. You don't have to start it; just move towards it. When I remember to do it, it works a good 95% of the time.

I do indeed have a job! I teach ESL on italki, which means I often have work to prepare the night before. I know that starting it too early is pointless, so I purposefully leave it until the last minute, because that's when I'll actually get it done. No "well I'll do it now so I can relax later". No feeling guilty for not doing it. I know and trust myself enough to get things once the deadline starts to loom.

As for Japan... it's a bit of a long story, but basically I've always wanted to live abroad, and I got a TEFL certificate in 2020. I looked at places I could go, Japan came up as one of the best countries in terms of pay and living standard. So, I sent out some inquiries, got an interview and then a job offer. Didn't end up taking it for a bunch of reasons, but then a few months ago they got back in touch asking me if I'd like to reopen my application and I decided to accept this time. So, off I go in January!

Anyway, that was an essay! My apologies 😅 Good luck with your executive dysfunction! It can be a real bitch to overcome, but it's possible with practice and trial & error!

[mooni-bunni]

AOT with a Black S/O

A/N: There are SO many characters I want to do so this is definitely going to be a part one. Please know that I’m going off of MY ✨black experience✨ so if I mention something that you don’t do or experience, then idk, write your own. 🤨

CW: Modern AU, Black!Reader, Reader is female oriented,

TW: some light racism mentions.

Eren Jaeger

I’m going to start this off by saying Eren is completely into ethnic women.

If it’s not the way your skin glows under the summer sun, it’s definitely the goddamn brown eyes that are just BEAUTIFUL MAN.

He won’t say it, but he is such a nerd for learning more about your culture. Learns a lot about black history and excitedly tells you the new stuff he learned. He gets so happy when he learns about inventions by black people too.

He gets really mad about a lot of social issues though. He’s a really good listener when it comes to you voicing your feelings about something that’s happened in the community. Definitely an unapologetic activist.

Take him to a predominantly black church, watch him be all awkward but tapping his toes. He’ll tell you after that he really enjoyed it and had a lot of fun. He may not be feeling the Holy Ghost, but he is definitely going with you on sunday just to enjoy it with you

Over all, he just loves you so much, he gets to experience so,etching new every single day and he loves it. Especially when it comes to music, food, and clothing. Dress him up please, he likes it. Use him as a wig stand too.

Armin Arlert

Please, he was doing research on black culture before you were even dating. 🤨🖐🏾

When you started dating, you were definitely surprised by how much he actually knows about black culture. It’s all because he wanted to make sure he never says anything to you that makes you upset. If he has questions about something, he is going right to those books and the internet. He’s also not afraid to ask you questions but he would prefer to not burden you with the responsibility of educating him.

If you grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood, he tries his best to make you feel comfortable about being your most authentic self and not washing yourself down for him. He doesn’t like it when you hold yourself back or fix your speech so that he can understand you better, he’ll fight you to be yourself. USE YOUR AAVE AND TEACH HIM.

He really likes the way you talk. He takes note of any little inflectional accented letters in the words you speak. He will use words like “bussin” and “Chile” in the wrong way, so please just… stop him, he’s trying his best.

He’s also really into African American protective hairstyles and why they are important

Definitely sits down with you and helps you with your hair. He’s not the best with it, but he is definitely helpful. Like he’ll at least hold stuff for you or let you use his hand as the pallet for the grease or gel. If you’re a wig wearer, he likes being the model while you shape it. If you’ve got an Afro, he’s buying you the cutest bonnets to wear at night.

Mikasa Ackerman

The thing she loves so much about you is how she’s able to swap cultural experiences with you. 🥺

She grew up in a half Asian household and has a lot of things to share. The fact that she gets to mix her culture with yours is incredible to her. Especially with food because traditional Japanese dishes with traditional African American foods is fun to combine

She is really into r&b music, too. Swapping music with her is so much fun because she finds some new artists she’s never heard of before. She really likes Destiny’s Child

Asks you a lot of questions, too. It’s always light hearted and she means so well. She wants to know more about your family, the dynamic, what kinds of struggles you went through, the celebrations.

Bring her to parties and family functions, she is a visual and hands on learner.

Calls you beautiful every single day. There’s not a single thing about you that she doesn’t love.

Jean Kirschtein

Jean definitely gets quite the culture shock when you first start living together.

Mainly because of the food. He is not used to any cuisine that as a little spice in it. The first time you cool all the fixings for him, he is overwhelmed. It smells so good and some is familiar, but he’s never had them in this way.

He’s eating all of it anyways honey. He’s telling you it’s BUSSIN. Every fuckin meal, bro, he is saying it. Y’all can’t even go to cookouts because he says it so loud, tell him to STOP. (But don’t because it sounds funny and he’s just trying to express his love for soul food.)

OH AND DANCING. BRO. He learns a lot about how dances were ripped off from black people and he asks you to teach him the correct way to do it, if you know how. If not, he’ll happily teach you. He loves the history of it, too.

He is very active as an ally and does a lot of work to make sure the community you guys live in is accepting and safe for you and everyone else.

It really does take him a minute to get into the swing of daily life, but he is so happy he met you and that you let him in.

Sasha Braus

You already know I’m going to say food with this girl.

The way she is tearing up a plate the first time you cook food for her is a little animalistic. She licks that shit CLEAN. Some soul food at a party is going to be nonexistent if you bring her.

She may not be the brightest girl, but movies are definitely her thing. She likes it when you show her some movies directed by black people like Jordan Peele or Tyler Perry. One of her favorite movies is Dream Girls.

She also asks a lot of questions. (Ahem, her with Onyankopon…) It’s always her trying to learn more but they sometimes come off as a little uhhhhh… you know…. Like that. Don’t worry though, explain things to her and she is immediately apologetic for even asking.

You might have to teach her a few things though, I’m not gonna lie.

Take her to a family reunion or a Juneteenth celebration party, trust me she’ll enjoy herself.

Levi Ackerman

Surprisingly the thing he enjoys the best is the music.

You’d think with his classical tea loving ass, he’d be a little weary with the music, but no! He actually really likes old hip hop and rap. New age is not his favorite, but he likes artist like Tupac, Biggie, Jay Z, Old Kanye. Don’t be surprised to see him rapping randomly. I’ll stand by this.

He’s also really good with hair. Like surprisingly good with it. Like, he could actually just do your hair and you will probably never have to go to a salon ever.

He saw you struggling with yours one morning and noticed how expensive it was for you to get yours done, so he literally went out to any black owned salon and asked if they could teach him how it’s done. For weeks he just spent his free time learning how to do textured hair, which products were good, which ones were harmful, how to style, all of it. He came home one day and saw you booking an appointment to get yours done and told you he could do it. Success.

He also learns your favorite soul food meals. Spends time with your family to learn how you like it.

Overall, Levi isn’t great with words but he shows you he loves you by doing these extravagant things for your that’s how you know he cares about you and how important your heritage is.

A/N: this was so cute wahhh. Idk why I’m worried about being canceled when I’m black- also sorry for any typos I miss.

[lihikainanea]

LEIIII, CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT BILL AND TIGER GOING THE THE MET GALA BILL FuCkINg HeR iN ThE ReStRoOm????????????????

FIRST OF ALL, I have this like, weird interest in fashion over the past two years or so. I've never particularly been into it, but now my instagram is mainly fashion inspo and like, who is this person???? I've never considered myself fashionable, much less interested in fashion and now I swear to god I spend Sunday afternoons ~judging people~ and looking up latest fashion trends and how to wear things and I am just LOVING IT. And since nobody asked, I'm going to go ahead and list you my top fucking fashion ABSOLUTELY DO FUCKING NOT pet peeves:

1) Matching pantsuits. Hello, no. I know the designers that are trying to bring this back, and it's a hard no for me dawg. I am in my almost mid thirties and I ain't trying to look like a fucking old maid, thanks. These will never be fashionable. Just stop.

2) Derby shoes. These literally don't go with anything. I'm not sorry. If you're that committed to huge, clunky, ugly fucking shoes, get clogs. I ain't saying you have to wear heels, not at all. But find yourself some nice oxfords, a nice loafer, hell even some mules--and they will be infinitely nicer than fucking derby shoes.

3) Layering. No, kids. Baum und Pferdgarten, I love you. I do. I have a few of your dresses. But ya'll motherfuckers need to stop with this pajama-esque, mixed and clashing pattern, oversized bullshit looks that you call fashion. There is a way to wear slouchy, and babes, THAT AIN'T IT. YOU LITERALLY LOOK LIKE A FUCKING WARHOL PAINTING THREW UP ON YOU. Mixing patterns is cool, we like that, but Jesus Christ it has to have some consistency.

alright, now onto the actual ask.

All of this to say, I kept a keen eye on the Met Gala this year and I was...perplexed. At best. Horrified, at worst.

So like, tiger right? There's little else in the world that tiger hates as much as Bill's outwardly Hollywood side. The parties. The schmoozing. And I mean, she knows it's part of his life so that's fine, but in fairness--Bill also abhors this side. He loathes it. And he's been to the Met gala once, which notoriously never allows a +1 unless that +1 is famous, but low and behold--by some stroke of luck--Bill's invitation this year allows for it.

"No." tiger says immediately.

"You don't even know what I'm going to ask!" he exclaims.

"I know what that is," she points to the invitation in his hand, "And no."

It's a hard no. It takes Bill weeks--because like, tiger ain't Hollywood. She doesn't want to do the dress. She doesn't want the mingling with fucking celebrity guests. She doesn't want the paparazzi. She wants none of it. But like, eventually--after so much begging--eventually Bill gets her to agree. His stylist will get a dress for her. Hair and make up is taken care of. Bill promises her that she can just slip in the back, sit at the table, and have cocktails to her heart's galore while he walks the red carpet. She doesn't have to be photographed--and truth be told, tiger's a nobody so people aren't really interested in photographing her anyway. That's fine by her.

The dress worries her, because tiger isn't exactly celebrity material but the stylist is so kind in taking measurements. Bill handles everything--the flights, the make up reservations, the hair appointments. On the day of, he checks them into the Bowery Hotel and then tiger doesn't have to worry about a thing. He shoves a fluffy robe at her, and then there's just a flurry of activity--massages first. Breakfast after. A stint in the steam room--which they absolutely have sex in. Facials. Manicures--for both. A light lunch. And then the bell rings and in come a flurry of a team ready to glamorize them--Bill's favourite groomer, his stylist, tiger's make up artist, her hair stylist. The primping process is the longest tiger has ever been through--but there's wine, there's snacks, her Big Dude is right beside her looking handsome as all hell. And when tiger puts on a dress that is worth more than she makes in a year, when her hair is all done up and her make up is perfect--she begrudgingly admits to him that yes, Beeeeeel, she does feel pretty.

"You look stunning kid," he praises, pressing a gentle kiss on her cheek. To her slight embarrassment (but secret joy), he hands his phone off to his assistant and asks for a few pictures.

And like, here's the thing right? The Met Gala has a strict policy: no spouses or couples seated together. Seriously, it's a thing. Look it up. And while tiger is mildly freaking out about that, she calms down considerably when she does see a name tag at her table that she recognizes.

Alex. Skarsgård.

Tiger smiles, Bill grimaces.

And that's what starts it, right? Bill is at a table far away but not too far, and right where he can keep her in his line of sights. He knows she wasn't looking forward to this so he wants to keep an eye on her, but then like....why the fuck does she look like she's having so much fun? Alex is cracking the whole table up, being his usual charismatic self. Tiger is laughing, guffawing actually, beyond control--her hand on his, clutching his forearm. Bill barely even makes conversation with his own table, he's staring so intently at the two of them and tiger looking like she's having the best night of her life.

Bill's blood is boiling. It boils even more when he sees tiger make a face at her main plate--her nose wrinkling, her lip curled in disgust--and without missing a beat Alex's fork swoops over, plucks all the green onions from her food, and tiger smiles gratefully at him. Bill slams his napkin down on the table.

"Excuse me," he mutters in response to the curious glances. And then he stalks over, heads right to her table, and he's so silent that she jumps a mile when she hears his voice in her ear from behind her.

"A word, kid?" he says.

"But the food just--"

"Now." he says insistently. He holds a hand out to her, helps her push her chair back and stand. But then he's basically dragging her to a restroom, and poor tiger isn't quite used to heels this high.

"Hang on bud," she pleads, "I'm not that coordinated."

But he doesn't hang on. Instead he reaches back, loops a strong arm around her waist and basically carries her on his side to the bathroom. Tiger's feet don't hit the floor for a good 200 feet. And once inside the bathroom, he locks the door and glares at her.

"If that dress wasn't couture, I'd have you on your fucking knees kid," he threatens. Tiger's eyes get wide.

"What did I do?" she asks innocently. Bill just glares.

"Having a good time, are you? Having the best night ever?" he accuses.

Tiger is starting to get a feeling what this is about, and oh man--she's about to rile her Big Dude up. Dressed to the nines, in a public place, surrounded by riches, and Bill is about to get a bit possessive over her? Tiger is a sucker for it every time.

"Yes," she plays into it, "Alex is being amazing. He's so--"

She doesn't get to finish the sentence, because Bill growls and lunges for her, pinning her back against the cool tile.

"You are mine," he snarls. Tiger just tilts her chin up, bites onto his bottom lip.

"Prove it." she challenges.

The roar Bill lets out is fucking feral. Tiger doesn't even have time to react before her dress is pulled up, he yanks his belt undone, and he's slamming into her. She moans, and he grabs her face in his hand.

"Don't come," he snarls, "Don't you dare come."

And like the good girl she is for him--she doesn't. She grits her teeth, tries to stave it off even as he slams deep into her, growls as his release fills her up, bites her neck hard enough to leave a mark. She whimpers, her knees wobbly, and tries to reach for a tissue.

"No," he grabs her hand.

"But it's messy," she pleads. But another glare is enough to silence her, and he swiftly pulls her panties up, smoothes her dress back down.

"You're going to sit there, full of my come for the rest of the night," he tells her, "And I want you to think of that, I want you to feel it, every time you look at him."

"Bill--" she whimpers. He silences her with a rough kiss.

"Go on," he said, "Back to your seat."

On shaky legs, she turns and tries to walk out as nonchalant as possible. He waits a few minutes before exiting, going to find his seat and sitting back down. He keeps an eye on her for the rest of the evening, but he doesn't even have to--every time he looks over at her, she's already staring at him--her eyes wide, needy, her knees pressed tightly together.