#anyway again I'll try to keep posting as often as I can!!! if the universe wants me dead it's gonna have to try a lot harder!!!!!

[cowardlychimera]

ughh just got some Very Bad news so quick update now because I'm going to be Super Busy very soon: I've been gone super long because 1 family member I was living with passed away, 2 after dealing with that I had to move states and moved in with another family member and their partner, 3 I've had to move around a lot my whole life and I don't handle it well at all so it took me a while to start getting comfortable, 4 my physical and mental health have been steadily getting worse

now! new news!!! I now have to move out right when I was starting to get used to things!!!! aaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

(PS I saw everyone's comments ty :3 <3)

[kirisaki-daichi-scenarios]

the boys as bodyguards

dedicated to absolutely no one. sure this is an asks blog - does that mean i have to actually answer them? i know i know bad admins bad admins whatcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when they come for you but i had a dream ages ago now that involved bodyguards, tsunamis, and also a shit ton of murder. don't ask. anyway, it got me pondering. and then it took literal months to write this so i figured i'd post what i've got so far, and maybe i'll update with the rest of the boys later, depending on how well this does/how much time i have

hanamiya makoto

hanamiya’s the package deal

he’s the chief advisor; he’s the doctor; he’s the bodyguard; he’s the sniper. just a right hand man in every way possible.

i mean, he’s not literally your right hand man: he’s the leader of a team, and often it’ll be one of his men there next to you at events, but he’s always supervising or coordinating or collecting intel

ie he’s dedicated to his job. he does like engineering spider’s webs after all.

having said that, he’s also an uncontrollable prick

he’s the best at giving you advice, both in terms of navigating high society and in terms of actual business advice, but is he going to give that advice without slipping in a snide comment about how you should really know all this by now? when you tell him to make sure to take a break some time, is he going to stop himself from saying “maybe if you weren’t so incredibly useless on your own, i’d be able to.”

and sure maybe he’s breaking the universal declaration of human rights with what he does to the people who dare to try harm you, but you don’t know about that

need to know basis type beat

you don’t even have access to the full floor plans of your own property, which includes a basement you’ll never know about, let alone step foot in. hanamiya keeps that information very close to his chest.

gotta make sure his employer has plausable deniability

gotta make double sure that you don’t find out about half the things he does - from the ways he sources his information, to his very dodgy organised crime links, to the number of people that have sadly lost their lives in the name of “fuck it, you’re pissing me off” - because he hates when you bang on about bullshit like “laws” and “morals”

after all, if everyone followed your beloved laws and morals, then you’d have no need for his services

as he always tells you, he’s just your pet necessary evil

yamazaki hiroshi

i reckon he only got into the bodyguard business because he spent his childhood wanting to be a samurai but, well you know, that’s not really a job opportunity anymore

what it does mean though is that he’s all about bushido: mastering his work, bravery, honesty, etc - and above all else loyalty to one’s employer

on a random thursday afternoon, he’ll tell you, completely nonchalantly, straight face, “i would die for you if that’s what it takes. on my life, i’ll always keep you safe.”

you’re staring at him like wtf and/or trying to stop yourself blushing, but he thinks that’s a completely normal thing to say cause he’s just following bushido

of course, late one night, he’ll wake up realise how weird that came across and he’ll spend the next week trying not to blush whenever you talk to him

just like the time he spent a week kicking himself after you walked in on him training, shirtless and rather sweaty, and when you told him he should take a break, he said “but i need to train so my body can be at its best for you”

again, at the time that sounded very reasonable, serious, and totally bushido to him. it’s only later that he’s freaking out in his room like why in god’s name did he say that.

but hey that’s bodyguard!yamazaki for you. a little weird, a little socially inept, but loyal to a fault

haizaki shougo

can you imagine the number of jobs that this man has lost for sleeping on the job?

he’s only got his current gig looking after you because his prices are cheaper and you were getting desperate to find someone in your budget

he’s a ...uhh… unique bodyguard? in the sense that he’ll get you out of harms way eventually, but "eventually" is the key word there

haizaki actively ignores intel that a certain location might be dangerous, because he really just wants to get into fights. sure you might get in the way occasionally, maybe even get some nasty bruises, but hey you get what you pay for.

you want a good bodyguard, save up some money, idiot.

literally the only reason he got into being a bodyguard is so he can beat people up legally (and because he got dishourably discharged from the military); he doesn’t care that much about the whole ‘protecting’ side of things

he’s also the type to ditch you the minute a better paying job comes up (possibly combat work as a mercenary). however he’s not as cold-hearted as he may seem, and he’ll happily spend a day of leave breaking into your penthouse

so that when you return in the evening, he’s there sat on an armchair, grinning smugly, “man your security’s turned to shit since i left.”

shortly followed by, “miss me?”

jason silver

jason’s the quintessential bodyguard, cause, after all, having a very muscular 6’11 man follow you everywhere you go isn’t exactly subtle

but he’s recognisable for other reasons as well.

like the fact that he’ll accompany you to formal balls, and he’ll be the only man there with an undone tie - it’s such a massive argument trying to get him to wear an appropriate suit instead of his usual hoodies and sweatpants, that can anyone blame you for not having the energy to insist he stops undoing his tie as well?

he’s also not exactly one for professionality. like you’ll be minding your business, trying to network, and suddenly you’ll hear a wolf whistle by your ear and a “wouldn’t mind me a bit of that”

“jason, that’s the ambassador to norway. we’re having her over for dinner next week, so, with all due respect, shut the fuck up. and whisper next time, for heaven’s sake! what if someone had heard you?”

“shit, is it a crime to like some nice tits in this economy?”

and when you glare at him, genuinely furious, he grins, puts his hands up, and says, “sorry, sorry. forgot you don’t like me having eyes for anyone else, boss.”

but don’t get me wrong, jason’s not all evil contra to fujimaki’s propaganda

he is an incredibly good bodyguard - those animal instincts really help him out when it comes to getting you out of a sniper’s line of sight, or saving you from a bullet, or just assessing a room for potential entry points. and he packs a mean punch if anyone tries to try something on you, a solid ko.

no one’s getting past him essentially

the only problem is that it’s incredibly difficult to thank jason for saving your life, cause the last thing he needs is an ego boost or feeling like you owe him.

“seriously jason. i don’t know how i can ever repay you.”

“usually the payslip’s enough,” he smirks, “but you know that little lady ambassador-“

unsuprisingly, he’s not invited to the dinner.

[lemonberry-soda]

hey more people liked my magical girl TV show post than I thought it would get (7 likes is indeed more than 0) so I can talk a little about it if you want

(please understand that this is the sparknotes version, I've written a 33 page show bible about it and it's not even close to finished)

My show idea is called Tokidokidokidoke, or TD3 for short. It's a mature character study subversion of a slice-of-life MG show, where the main magical cast are completely self-aware that they are in a show and struggle every day to deal with that. The season 1 we get to see is actually their season 4, as canonically the first three seasons have been wiped from the internet entirely (along with the creator and original team going bankrupt and selling off their show to a new company) in an event called the Split. Here are the kids of the day, reusing the squishmallow picture (these aren't their usual outfits):

From left to right, here is a semi-detailed summary of said kids of the day:

Iggy Doe - the show creator's self insert and the catalyst of the Split. In the previous seasons, they were a puppet used by the creator (who isn't me, her name is Isabella Divens) to brainwash the main group into abiding by Magical Girl rules and losing autonomy entirely in the process. For most of season 3, they were successful. It was horrible. The only reason Iggy hasn't been genuinely murdered by Rory is because their connection to Real Life (I'll explain that some other day) is powerful enough that they can actually converse with the showrunners, and as such is used to form treaties and keep the cast safe from any other horrible events. They are in the process of trying to seek redemption and forgiveness from the rest of the group, working through their horrible mommy and identity issues, and learning how to be seen as more than a shell.

Rory McAlister - The main character of TD3, and a trans guy. He had always been a bit of a rude guy, never wanting to follow any rules or tropes just as a baseline personality trait, but right now he is going THROUGH it. Right now he is untrusting, traumatized, and paranoid, and it's all he's ever known (he is technically 3 years old in a Frankie Stein situation, being "born" in season 1). We will start off season 4 seeing the tail end of the absolute worst of Rory. He hates half of his teammates. He hates his universe, hates the new healthier showrunners designing the show. He will hate the audience just as much as the audience will hate him. And it will not be excused, but it will be explained and understood eventually. Because at the end of the day, he is not an asshole for the sake of assholetry. He is an asshole because he is constantly and deeply terrified of the world he is stuck in, of being controlled again, being left without any good answer to save the day, having the gods of his universe turn against him again, of any teammate (no matter how hated) being lost to time or brainwashing or just flat out dying. And he is obsessed with it, trying to be as on top of things as possible at the extreme expense of his well-being. He is the personification of a frayed string. Essentially, I have placed as much of my 16 year old self as possible into Rory, except on steroids. And then, just like I did, he will survive the agonizing pain of surviving and become a healthy person again.

Chloe Winters - Chloe wasn't meant to become Rory's best friend. As someone who is actually 16, she grew up in Typas city before it was "redesigned" into a TV show setting. As such, she was meant to just be a background character while her bullies were meant to become Rory's best friend and boyfriend respectively. Of course, Rory was rebellious, and it all started by becoming friends with her instead. Managing to be a foil anyway, Chloe is soft-spoken but observant, usually the one making the plans, and while she's often the first to notice if the team's being dumb, she's the last to call them out for it, opting to follow along and keep them from dying that way. Secretly, she's terrified of the show ending, because they don't know what would happen to the cast if it did, and considering all of her friends are effectively made up, she would be left alone.

Julian Cyrus - There was a trend that every season, a new male love interest would pop up and try to woo Rory. The first one was the aforementioned bully (it didn't work out), the second one was a terrible guy (he's now a reoccurring villain), and Julian is the third one placed down during the worst of the Split. He's an okay enough guy, having gone from pawn of the original developers to a haughty assholish rival type. Very much a Karen. He is just as annoying and selfish as Rory is, and often will attempt to take over the team as he feels he is a better fit for a leader. He is deeply petty and is more than willing to sabotage a plan if it gives him revenge against another teammate. However, he is very creative and at peace with his stereotypes, having a kind of work-life-existentialcrisis balance that makes the rest of the team green with envy.

Elle - In most Magical Girl shows, there is a mentor character. Usually in the form of a small animal or creature, there is someone brought down to bring our main character into their best selves. In this show, that is Elle. Elle is Rory's "Fairy godsibling" as the two put it, a character who is extremely powerful and well-versed in magic but barely if ever actually uses it in combat. His main purpose is to teach Rory about magic (a purpose that has been dried up by season 4) while knowing very little about the non-magical world. Character wise, he is like if Mabel Pines was a middle child. Very bright, quite insecure, often leaning into the tropes assigned to him as a crutch, and very unfortunately with the love language of helping others while surrounded by friends and family with horrible hyper-independent issues.

Yuki Yamamoto - Yuki is the audience-stand in for learning about the universe. Being a whole 15 minutes alive, Yuki is the newest love interest, the first female one. However, Rory HATES her. In every instance where he could be a nice teacher and show her the ropes, he does not. And one of the main reasons for that is that Yuki is based off of him. She is a true magical girl. Someone who runs to school with toast in her mouth, someone who shouts attacks before performing them. She is the ditzy airhead (despite being quite smart), the literal justice warrior, the most stereotypically accurate out of the entire group. She is everything the show tried to make Rory into being, and he can't look at her without remembering the Split. She will be trying her hardest to learn what everybody else has spent 1+ years already living through, attempting to find her own self from within the stereotypical nature traits written into her, and trying not to feel too alone.

Acorn (not shown) - Nickname Kitty. Rory's pet snake. with wings. She is a garden snake, with wings. Acorn is also able to magical girl transform at rare times. If done, she transforms into a dragon without legs. A wyvern, I believe. We like Acorn. :)

.

The "first" season (their season 4) will be a recovery from an event the audience will only occasionally really hear about (the Split will never be shown in any way), purposefully leaving a disconnect between the viewer's knowledge of the character's experiences. The group will essentially separate into Rory Chloe and Elle struggling as the main victims of the Split, and Iggy Julian and Yuki learning the ropes of the world they're in and coming to terms with the knowledge that they were made up by someone and never truly existed. Both teams kind of hate each other, or at least there is a healthy dollop of hatred on every side. Despite all this, they are in fact powered by friendship, which really puts a wrench in the cogs 90% of the time. Most of the cast have regular weapons they use instead of magic to make up for it (though Rory refuses to use actual weapons for trauma reasons).

Let me know if you want to hear more! Because this is just the main cast. I also have 9.5 reoccurring villains, 4 background characters, 5.5 high school faculty, the vague idea of the main cast's family, a reboot, my design of the multiverse, and other nuances to spill. Once again I am paraphrasing most of this from a 33 page google doc. 11k words with default size font and spacing. Which is unfinished. idk just go to my artfight you can learn more there (Everyone between Beau and Julian will be TD3).

I have. Many things planed. Evil smiley face.

[rollercoasterwords]

I’m so genuinely intrigued and curious abt that post you made abt reaching out to the authors when you find a paper you want to read bc.. how are you finding these papers in the first place?? Do they show up on your tiktok fyp?? Do you just search up whatever topic you wanna read about on google scholar? I think that that’s really cool that you do that and I also would like to read about research that like actually interests me and not just papers assigned in class but I dunno where I would start looking for them. Sorry this ask is probably so random but do you have any tips?? lmao 😭

WHAT a fun question!!! of course i have tips!!!

first of all....free urself from the tiktok fyp i am begging u <3 like. ok i am sure there are people on there who are sharing academic articles and such but....more often with tiktok at least in my experience u just end up getting stuck in an endless scroll rather than actually following up on any interesting reading/research suggestions. also i think it is just like. a valuable and enriching skill to be able to think of things on ur own that u want to learn about and then go and find resources urself! like. approach tiktok w caution perhaps it could be helpful for some but i worry a bit that we are all becoming a little too reliant on algorithms to feed us Content, y'know?

anyway! as for how i find papers 2 read that interest me! most often it is a matter of finding something that sparks my interest + then going down a rabbit hole. and there are soooooo many ways to do this!! the internet is an amazing resource!!!! here is a list of some ways that i find interesting articles:

tumblr <3 lol i follow various blogs that post interesting stuff abt theory + academia every so often, and if i see a quote that interests me i'll go and try to find the article it came from! (you could also use tiktok this way if you've found some good people to follow! my main hesitation w tiktok is just that. it's an endless scroll + an algorithm which are both 2 things that i find distracting, and why i prefer tumblr)

substack - same kinda deal as tumblr; i subscribe to bloggers who write about topics that interest me and if they cite research in their posts i'll go try to find that research to read it myself

news articles/blog posts/essays that i come across online - again, if there's some interesting research cited, i'll go and try to find it

search by writer - if you keep hearing about an academic or someone suggests "oh read some so-and-so," go and look up so-and-so and see what they've written + what u can find online for free! most really famous/influential academics will have some free pdfs of their more influential work floating around online, and for smaller/niche academics--email them!

along the same lines - if u find an article or essay or speech by an academic and u like it, go find their biography page on the website of whatever school they teach at! schools will usually list professors' work, or at least a few examples, and you can find more stuff to read from that same person whose article you enjoyed. this is especially helpful if ur researching something kinda niche

wikipedia! people shit on wikipedia all the time as if it's not a "real source" but that's simply false! wikipedia is a great jumping-off point if you're interested in a broad topic but don't know where to start. go scroll through the wikipedia article about said topic and see what's cited there to get an idea of where you might be able to find some interesting articles/research to narrow ur focus!

look through the bibliography/citations on other research! if ur reading a book or article on an interesting topic + want to learn more, actually take a minute to scan through the citations and see if any titles catch ur eye!

ask people for recommendations! if u have an old/current professor or a friend or something who u know is interested in the same topic as u, ask if they have any reading recommendations!

if ur a university student--take advantage of that shit!!! look thru the papers on ur syllabus and scan the citations of the most interesting ones for further reading or go look up the writers u like best from the course to find more stuff they've written! look at the class listings for classes u aren't taking and if ur interested, ask those professors if they'd be willing to share their reading lists with you! keep an eye out for free lectures or events on new topics that interest you as a jumping-off point for finding new things to learn about! ask ur friends in other majors what they're learning about and go look it up if it interests you!

go to the library and look through the nonfiction section for topics ur interested in; check out books with cool titles! if they're boring, u can just return them

go to thrift stores or used bookstores and do the same thing! look for nonfiction books with interesting titles! i loooooooooove love love love looking through gender studies sections of bookstores for nonfiction--and then if i find a book i like, guess what that book's gonna cite?? more articles + books!!!!!! there is so much research + knowledge in the world just waiting to be shared!!!!

anyway. these are just some ways that i have found interesting new things to learn about! it sounds like u are currently a student--and like, trust me, i get that when ur constantly being assigned readings for classes it can just become a drag. but college is an AMAZING resource; i still go back and reference old notes from school to find research that i'm interested in, and some of my classes introduced me to articles that i still return to + cite today. research can be so so so fun + rewarding when ur just doing it for the joy of learning; the key really is to treat it like a little spiderweb. maybe most of ur assignments are boring, but this one article for class was really interesting and u actually find urself wanting to learn more--look at the research that article cited! google the names of the writers to see what else they've written! ask ur prof if they have any more suggestions similar to that article! the possibilities are endless!!

+ if ur a student, ur institution probably has access to a whole bunch of research databases where u can find articles + books for free, which is amaaaaaaaazing take advantage of that shit. but i am not currently a student, so my process for finding articles usually goes:

google + see if a free pdf magically pops up (happens more often than you'd think honestly)

failing that -- if it's a book, i check the online collection at my library + also on openlibrary and project gutenberg and zlibrary; for articles i usually check library genesis (sometimes i look for books here too) or sci-hub (usually works best if you search by doi)

failing that -- if it's an article, i go hunt down the email address of whoever wrote it and email them to ask for access! for books, if you really really want to read it you can usually put in a request at your local library for them to get it, but sometimes i do just have to give up if i can't find a book for free online anywhere :(

hopefully some of this was helpful !! and if ur looking for nonfiction book recs i have a post here with some stuff i've read over the past year or two and i also have a post here with like...some suggestions for intro gender studies/queer theory reading (mostly articles)!

[a-star-aquarium]

Let's get back into this

Hi, ive been gone for several months without explanation, and I'm here to explain why, and hopefully, get back into posting!

So for the past couple months I have simply been out of it with my own characters, and The Arcana as a whole. In fact I am only keeping my characters in the arcana universe because a lot of my mutuals remain to be in the fandom (but not completely, especially considering the Nix Hydra drama that resurfaces pretty often) but the thing is, my characters can be completely separated from that into their own universe, and I took a lot of time begging the question, would you all simply be interested in having your characters IN their universe when interacting with my OCs? because I would prefer it quite a lot.

Now, I'll say I've gotten back into the Arcana game itself a little bit, but not enough to surround myself in it as a I did a couple months ago, plus, ive started playing in a friends DND campaign, so I've also become rather in deep with things related to it, such as, balders gate (how could I not if im being honest). Ive spent most of the past couple months hyper fixating on other things, but I miss and love my characters and the interactions they had.

I'd like to say that my writing has improved a lot, and im hoping to make some full reference post for my main characters, and hopefully pin a post detailing all my characters (and any links surrounding them) and possibly an explanation of said OC universe.

Anyways, I'm excited to try back at this again, even though my accounts been dead for months, so it'll surely take time to rebuild.

Hope you all are happy to have my back as well!

[georgiasbloom]

i don’t know how active the fandom is, and i know it’s not related to the doll community whatsoever, but i wanted to post about wonder egg priority!

it’s one of my favourite shows and anime series ever, and i wanted to talk abt this project i worked on a couple years ago (but never finished)

in 2021, i paired the main girls of wonder egg priority with songs from SHOP: A Pop Opera by Jack Stauber. what better thing to do than to combine one of my fav medias with one of my fav music artists?? anyways. on to the pairing!

**TRIGGER WARNING for sensitive topics

Ai x Cheese

“This can't brie

There’s more cheese to choose than I can see

You gouda be kidding me

I can't make these decisions on my provolone

If I act better

Could someone else select my cheddar?

Are these bleus parmanent?

I'll be okay, I’ll look away and let the universe say”

this song covers the five stages of grief (through cheese puns) and i thought it would be a perfect fit for miss ohto ai. she’s the main character of the series, so we mostly follow her through her journey of losses and gains. having lost her dearest friend, she experiences a multitude of (very valid) feelings. “this can’t brie (be)” covers denial, in which ai wanted her friend back very badly, not believing what she had seen. “you gouda (gotta) be kidding me” covers the anger she feels about her best friends death, taking the blame out upon a suspect within the matter. bargaining is discussed within the lyrics “if i act better…” where ai is willing to put herself and other lives at risk at the unsuspecting chance of bringing her best friend back to life. “are these bleus (blues) permanent?” cover depression, in which ai is often seen reflecting upon how she met her best friend and the memories they made together. it’s hard simply to walk in the school setting that she associates with her. “i’ll be okay…” covers acceptance, where ai in the end has to come to the conclusion (thanks to the alternative version of herself) about where ai stands in protecting herself, loving herself, and understanding herself.

Neiru x Oatmeal

“I could have oatmeal for breakfast and oatmeal for lunch

Oatmeal for dinner as well at the sound of a bell

I could have oatmeal wake up and oatmeal brush my teeth

Go to my oatmeal job, oatmeal home, oatmeal sleep

Every day, my oatmeal routine

Time is my master, keep everything clean

Every day, my oatmeal routine

Life would have rhythm and maybe harmony

Circumstance, the unexpected!

How could I have known? Err

Routine, is it human?

Molded in my ways, how would I change?

Disaster, routineless, I adapt to chaos faster

No master”

when working on pairing these songs with these characters, i was working with a friend who was far better at explaining and analyzing these pairings than i am. but we discussed that oatmeal would be a perfect fit for someone as organized and cynical as neiru. i have always thought that her character/arc weren’t properly covered in the series (also, i haven’t seen the special, so i don’t what that was like), so the whole deal with her trying to bring her sister back was confusing to me. being the calculated, analytic one, i thought the theme from oatmeal about rhythm and harmony being found in daily routines was a good fit. it’s later found in the theme of the song that life can still be good without routine, and idk. again, i felt that neiru’s arc wasn’t quite rapped up perfectly. but it seemed a good fit. i rly do need to rewatch this series, it’s been a few months…

Rika x Bread

“I could live in an artisanal house with an artisanal wife

Drive an artisanal car, live an artisanal life

It'd be a treat to see what people think of me

Dressed to the ninth degree, sipping artisanal tea

What's an artisanal me?

Where do my clothes end? Can I stop them?

Which ones are my artisanal friends?

What's an artisanal me?

Do I impress you with my dress?

Who made this? Can I hide behind your success?

Or is it excess when I talk less and I let my things talk for me?

What will I say when they go away and I'm on my own again?”

i love this song, it’s one of my top favourites off of shop. and sure enough, rika is my favourite character from wep! i love this pairing of song and character because it’s one of the best fits in my opinion. rika hides behind this whole “cool girl” facade, which is basically the premise of bread. the theme is letting material items and ideals effect the definition of who you are is not so good of an idea. and that’s basically rika. she was literally a kid idol, i’m sure that career in itself is very much draining from who one truly is. but rika likes to play tough, she likes to be silly, and really, she likes to be mean as well. but deep down, she experiences emotions, too. she has her own problems, too. it’s not to say that bullying and using her supporters for money is a good thing. but it goes along with the whole “letting my fame/image/idealized version of myself to water down who i really am” that bread covers. the common use of “what’s an artisanal me?” throughout the song alludes to the scenes of rika being reminded of her problems, her internalized goal of bringing chiemi back, and ultimately why she self harms. her friends are often calling her out, especially neiru, on her actions, and the constant occurrence of so could lead to rika “being on her own again��� (in my interpretation)

Momoe x Coffee

Do I need it? (Mocha)

Am I under control?

Can I beat it? (Wake up)

If it swallowed me whole, would I see it?

I can make you feel alive

I know, but do I need you to survive? (Ha ha ha ha)

Just a sip

Does it still matter which one?

Just a drip (Ahhh!)

Am I dumbfounded when I slip?

You can't believe

I can't believe

You can't believe

I can't believe

You can't believe

I can't believe this happened

Wow

French vanilla, I think I should sit this one out

No no no

Maybe a cup of self control would be the route

But it's the flavor, it's the flavor you want!

Maybe so, but it feels better to check than to reflect

Oh

if you can’t tell, this pairing was kind of a case of “the last song and last character” remaining after pairing the rest. i still think there’s some similarity between the two, though. so as of what we know/i remember of momoe, she often took the whole aspect of herself that she appeared like a guy to others to her advantage, and we see multiple times throughout the show that the assumption of her gender is used in relationships/dynamics that momoe falls in and out of. i wouldn’t say she’s necessarily “addicted” to this process, as suggested in the songs lyrics. but the whole aspect of regulating and finding “self control” is what i relate to momoe. she’s a sweetheart at best, and worthy of finding the right love and being perceived in the way she wishes… ps. i know her whole character is just a trans innuendo, but i haven’t yet come to the 100% description of so (because who really even knows what’s going on in this show /hj) ANYWAYS! she lets this idea control her every move, and it’s especially motivated by her sexual abuser. she idolized the abuser, really, even by wanting to bring her back to life! it’s truly a sticky situation that i think momoe is stuck to. she’s a very driven character, too, which i relate to the sense of addiction. but yeaaaa

Koito x Milk

What kind of milk were you?

What kind of life did you live through? (Oh!)

Did you know love? Will you rest in peace?

Did you have a family?

How was the view from the shelf?

Did you ever believe in yourself?

What kind of milk were you? (Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah)

What kind of life did you live through? (Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah)

Did your life drip rich with calcium?

Did they laugh at you or did you laugh with them?

Dairy beloved, your days are gone

The grocery list goes on

i’m getting goosebumps as i listen to this song while organizing out the lyrics. anyways. milk is my favourite song off of shop and a perfect fit for koito. if anything, i think it would be a great fit for ai as well. anyways. the whole theme of death fits perfectly with koito because, well… spoiler alert… she’s dead. THE WHOLE LINE “did they laugh at you or did you laugh with them” FITS PERFECTLY WITH THE BULLYING! again, it could work well with ai!! but koito, too, experienced a horrible amount of bullying. but the “did you believe in yourself?” “what kind of milk were you?” fits perfect in my head because we never truly knew koito. her story was never truly fleshed out (at least in the way that would make sense to me) and even though she helped push ai to love herself and better herself, koito couldn’t live up to her own advice and support. and though “her days are gone, the grocery list goes on” meaning everyone else is still moving along. ai continues waking up every morning. the alleged abuser continues waking up every morning. although she is gone, life goes on, and so does her legacy.

Frill x Paper Towels

Mess!

It's irreversible (ah, ah)

Unraveling, unstoppable

How can I contain this non-stop endless spreading bane?

(Oh no, oh no)

Mess!

It’s rolling out over time

Can I put a halt on mine?

It's an infinite gain but there's a break in the chain

Entropic irreversible remains

Mess!

Process produces naturally

How does one handle callous entropy?

Guess it’s out of my hands

The universe will expand when nothing has a proper exit plan

oh boy… frill is an absolute mess. and that’s funny because that’s the theme of the song! hahaha yeah so diving into this, i wanna start with the lyric “process produced naturally.” there is nothing, and i mean nothing physically natural about frill. but technically speaking, there is…? being artificially intelligent, she experiences emotions like anyone else. she experienced joy, pain, sadness, jealousy like anyone else. she acts like anyone else. the fault in the system begins with the Accas, if i’m gonna be honest (the frill defender in me is peeking out a bit). the Accas had trouble “containing the non-stop endless spreading bane” even after they thought they got rid of frill once and for all. it lead to the whole story line, actually! lol! and that’s where it’s “rolling out over time,” as the story expands, we see how deep everything really gets, and how bad it really is, thanks to miss frill. even if there is “a break in the chain,” there’s still gonna be a mess. and that is the long lasting reign of frill

i hope you guys enjoyed this. i have to rewatch wonder egg priority, tbh. i recently rewatched it at the end of last year, but it had been a long while since before that. it’s hard to form my own understanding of the show because there’s so many layers, so much happening, and so little explanation for me to be able to form even the littlest of an idea of what’s going on. of course i have the premise. of course i understand the plot and the characters, hehehe. it just helped my understanding when i used to dive into the fandom. there’s where idk if it’s dead or not… i haven’t checked. also maybe watching the special will help, idk lol. anyways! if you got this far THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING IT MEANS A LOT! i woke up this morning and this whole thing was one of my first thoughts (and i haven’t thought abt my wep x shop edits in awhile so it’s weird that it just randomly came to me but whatever hehhehe)

PS. here are links to the three edits i made lol

> koito x milk edit

> rika x bread edit

> frill x paper towels edit

[hyperfixation-tangentopia]

Pinned post? Pinned post! It only took me 7 months I'm right on time! Anyway -

(If you've been here for a while you can safely ignore this, I just wanted to have something.)

What to call me: HT, Hyper, Hyperfixation, Tangent, I don't care. I'll answer to anything as long as I know you're talking to me.

Pronouns: He/it/they/she and anything under the sun! Preferences fluctuate but as a general rule I don't care much.

Tags

Don't expect proper tagging here, I'm not one for organization, but a few I've used in the past -

#ht overthinks - If you want some theories, rambles, and random shit I think is interesting in the shows I watch, you'll probably find that here.

#ht go to sleep - My sleep schedule is crap. Here's the evidence.

#tealstars - This is unreliable, but my LMK Tealstars AU! I do have a post with links for it further down though, if you want something easier.

#crossover au - This is more unreliable, but a LMK x TOH Crossover AU. Links further down, again.

Tealstars AU - A LMK AU where I take the other two celestial primates and make them Chikao and Tongbi, the chaos gremlin and space monkey.

AUs and OCs

@hyperfix-tangented is where most of the AUs/OC is now (well. Will be.)

Crossover AU - A borderline abandoned LMK AU where the LMK cast is thrown into the TOH universe upon Mei getting the Samadhi Fire. (I lost the posts -_-)

Apocalyptic Twins AU - A Future!ROTTMNT AU where Mikey adopts two Krang Mutants into the Resistance, and shenanigans ensue.

Mikey AU - An AU I haven't shared on here yet, but I love and am working on and will put here so I don't forget to add it later.

SOD OCs - Also stuff I haven't shared. Also something I'm putting here purely so I don't forget.

Other Stuff

My main blog is @ghostshadowmx (though I don't use it for anything besides saving writing resources, and in the past I posted a couple LMK fanfics there)

You can talk to me! Will I respond in a timely manner? That depends on if I remembered to unpause Tumblr, or if I went to bed before 5 AM the previous night.

You can tag me! However! Keep in mind I have limited spoons and my motivation will take me 50 different directions and in the direction of that tag game is unlikely to be one of them! This does not mean I don't care or appreciate it, this just means my body/brain is shit <3

I have several tags filtered! I have a lot of "reblog this/please reblog/etc." filtered out and will not always click through anyway! Please do not mistake this as me not caring or supporting anything, I use this blog as a place to destress and distract and so I try to avoid reblogging things that will upset or trigger me.

I am anxious as fuck! If I take a long time to reply when I'm clearly online without explanation, talk weirdly, am being awkward, etc., there's a high chance I'm being socially anxious and freaking out. It's nothing personal, so please be patient with me ^^

I am part of a system! I'm usually the only one on this blog so outside of DMs (maybe) it likely won't come up, but an alter runs @the-demon-hiding-under-your-bed and I have no filter, so it's easier to have this here on the odd occasion I do reference it. I'm also a ghost :3

My hyperfixations do switch around! This does not mean I've abandoned a project or fandom, or will enjoy stuff from there any less. It just means I'll ramble about something else more, and might put said project on pause for a little bit until I come back and figure out wtf I was doing again.

My Ao3 is under GhostshadowMX! As of the current moment it consists of a LMK one-shot, a LMK fanfic my brain refuses to work on, and three angsty ROTTMNT one-shots where I refuse to Leo or Mikey a break <3 I may or may not make a post when I post something, I am super anxious about sharing my writing and often need reassurance before feeling confident enough to tell people it's there.

I will vanish for literally days at a time! In this instance, you can usually reach me on Discord (if you have me added there), as it's more likely than not me getting distracted by something. If I vanish off Discord without warning, then please do not worry. I probably just decided to isolate for a little bit and forgot to tell anyone.

PFP and Banner is by @/mythicalmagical-monkeyman (don't wanna bother but also go look at their funnies)

Anything else I can't remember right now, and this is probably too long anyway! So! Yeeup! Hope this wasn't too much lol, waves

Old pinned post

[thusatlas]

Okay, after spending what feels like 5 hours to try to send a longer message on tumblr – as the comments would only let me send a short paragraph and I didn't want to spam (to my shame I have to admit I’m not here very often and don't know how to tumblr) – I might finally be able to send this (or accidentally make a post or start a new cult instead, who knows, I'm talented like that). 🙈

First of, hello 😊

You have no idea how relieved I am to have found this information on The Fuckening. I just wanted to reread it (again 😅 because it's one of my go-tos for comfort reading) and was shocked to see it gone. I had feared that it would be lost forever, but knowing now that it will be back – no matter in which form – I’m glad. And you can bet that I will buy the hell out of your books when they arrive ❤

Do you have a rough estimate when I will be able to give you all my money in exchange for the best entertainment of my life? I will wait forever if I have to, of course, I’m just curious (and as you can guess eager to see how the story continues) 😅

And I don’t know if you want to give away any kind of information, but will Taliesin still be in it? I have kind of (read: completely) fallen in love with his character. And if I wouldn’t already ship him with Agent Jay like I (maybe too often) mentioned in the comments on the story (because I can’t help to be like that and obsess over minor characters and tiny side characters – just like with Theo and Blaise in the original books... and someone who almost no one understands, Zacharias Smith... but I'm repeating myself), I would want him for myself. 😅

I wish you the best of luck with your project and much inspiration 🍀❤

P.S.: Sorry for the many paranthesis 😅

Hello, my dearest! I have missed hearing from you! Kudos to you for figuring out the ask system - ngl, it all remains a mystery to me and I end up spamming people because I haven't the foggiest where to begin on fandangling the website to bend to my will. So well done! You're doing better than me! (But also, I will always endorse the creation of any cult, so I feel like you should do that anyway).

The only reticence I had about pulling the Fuckening was losing contact with the regulars who weren't necessarily in contact on Tumblr, so I am relieved to see you here. And I am really pleased you're still invested in the story despite it shifting universe - it's actually a huge relief. I hope you like where it ends up!

As for a rough estimate of when it'll be available? Not a clue. Not this year. I'll aim for an optimistic soft deadline of it being available in some form or another in 2024, but this is dependent on a million different variables that I don't really have control over. I'm going to try the traditional publishing route first, so this is going to eat into a lot of time, and then, in the miracle that I'm successful at securing the various buy-ins, the timeline will be dependent on a whole host of other things, so it may not even be in that year at all.

Failing all of that, I'll just self-publish, which shortens the timeline substantially. But even still, got to at least give the trad publishing route a go first before writing it off.

And this doesn't include the inevitable periods of writer's block and lack of will.

Either way, I'll keep you all updated with news, etc.

Alternatively, I've launched a (rough) author website and a Twitter where I'll be posting short stories and probably looking at newsletters, etc: Regan Atlas Website, Twitter

(I hate the whole marketing side of this business. My roommate is trying to convince me to start a Tiktok... I don't know if I can bring myself to that yet). For now, Tumblr will be my main source of coms because I am comfortable with hiding in this hellsite.

(( Also, spot the author name))

As for details, I love that you appreciate Tal and Agent Jay. I loved them very much too, so, of course, they will be appearing in the adaptation. The relationship between Tal and Hermione was something so tender that I think this new world is going to need to offset from the rest of the fuckery. And Jay and Kilmore are essential for the whole worldbuilding shenanigans so they'll def stay for the ride.

Thank you so much for your kindness, and I hope you know how much I have and continue to appreciate you. Stay in touch!! <3

[qualquercoisa945]

I posted 4,182 times in 2022

That's 1,505 more posts than 2021!

11 posts created (0%)

4,171 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@lastoneout

@argentavis

@the-jennnster

@perennii

I tagged 211 of my posts in 2022

#kho don't look - 13 posts

#ask memes - 5 posts

#themb - 4 posts

#icarus answers - 3 posts

#please - 3 posts

#a h - 3 posts

#okay but like - 2 posts

#oh yes - 2 posts

#my god bless whoever made this - 2 posts

#i will die on this hill - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 112 characters

#yes he's a tragic motherfucker and the fact that i stole his name probably says something about my mental health

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

∞

song: downtown blues by ben below feat. rachel l hughes

lyric: one winter you're an over achiever, next spring you're just another deceiver

2 notes - Posted August 8, 2022

#4

uh oh besties. i might come back. with pokemon fanfic.

3 notes - Posted November 30, 2022

#3

"i like your president!"

thanks i stole it from the shoelaces

-my friend

4 notes - Posted May 5, 2022

#2

i feel like an important context to me as a person is that like.

so i used to watch a lot of steven universe comic compilations back when i was like... 11, i would say

and like obviously there were comic DUB compilations but what i mean is comic compilations, which were just the comics passing through the screen with music in the background

and i remember the main channel that i watched would change the music up like, once every like 10 to 15 episodes right, of the comic compilations series

and one of the songs they picked, for, again, 10 to 15 episodes of a steven universe comic compilation series, was a mountain goats song

and keep in mind i was like 11, at most 12 right? like i had never heard of the mountain goats before this, i BARELY spoke english, and i wouldn't Truly Care about the mountain goats until i was 16, so at least 4 years later

and um, the way i PROPERLY got into the mountain goats was like, a friend of mine recommended me this year and i spent an afternoon listening to it and cleaning my bedside desk on january 2nd, 2021

but like, me and that friend would sometimes get on voice chat and listen to tmg albums like he'd show them to me and my now partner

and anyways imagine the whiplash when i realized that someone out there set 10 to 15 episodes of a steven universe comic compilation series to no children by the mountain goats

anyways if you've ever wondered why i can't take no children seriously, that is why

4 notes - Posted March 2, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

--☆ Basics ☆--

hi!! my name's icarus, amongst other names, which you can find here!!

i'm 17, and i use the following pronouns:

he/him/his/his/himself

they/them/their/theirs/themselves

it/it/its/its/itself

fae/faer/faers/faers/faerself

voi/void/voids/voids/voidself

end/end/ends/ends/endself

prince/prince/princes/princes/princeself

and any other neos!! those are just my favourites

i like tons of things, but my main special interest that i will actually post about is pokémon. i have autism and adhd, so hyperfixations come and go as they please, so i can't promise any consistency in what i post, but i can promise i'll try to be at least mildly entertaining while on my bullshit

--☆ Disclaimers ☆--

while i forget to tag things very often, i am always open to being told i have to tag them!! please tell me if you need anything tagged, i can't promise it'll be consistent but i'll do my best

while i don't have the patience nor do i pay enough attention to enforce a dni, i want it to be very clear that i am pro black lives matter, pro queer people (including trans people, neopronoun users and xenogender users) and most things that people find "weird" or "cringy", and anti ableism, anti terfs, anti transabled, anti transage, anti transrace, and generally anti things that actually hurt people. proceed at your own discretion, and be aware that i might block you at any point if i find you interacting with me makes me uncomfortable in any way, shape, or form

--☆ Useful Tags/Links ☆--

Carrd

Writing Masterpost

PFP Credit

Banner Credit

Ask Memes (tag i use so people (including me) can find the latest ask meme i reblogged)

Icarus Answers (tag i use so people can see all my asks)

Icarus Rambles (tag i use so people can see all my original posts that aren't writing)

--☆Userboxes☆--

(under a cut, so the post isn't any longer than it already is)

See the full post

6 notes - Posted August 15, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[thornwolfy235]

WIP 5 - Panic Attack

I'm going to post a bunch of WIPs in a row now. maybe with a little feedback I'll get the gumption to finish one of them.

A bit of info on them first. I wrote all of these in an effort to deal with an exceptionally bad break-up (might as well call it a divorce, we lived together for 6 years). A lot of these are "how it should've gone" type stuff. I was never able to decide if they should be a full chapter by chapter "novel" or just a bunch of oneshots within the same universe and make a collection of them in order or whatever. Maybe I'll drop them to Ao3 as well. They are all xfem!Readers with my blorbos Grillby and Gaster (though most have no anatomy mentioned, so you can safely read no matter what gender you are). I'd appreciate a glance through if nothing else.

Here is the actual start to Grillby and Reader's realationship. And of course it starts with trauma and angst. But turns fluffy. Because I needed it.

CW: panic attacks, thoughts of self-harm but no follow through

You were spiraling, your thoughts spinning out of control. Anxiety over your mother’s health, stress from work, grief that never seemed to lessen…It was too much. Everything was too much. It was building up inside you, making your throat close up. You struggled to breath. You had to let it out, but there was so much inside you, an infection that had crept into every part of you and had festered and rotted so deeply that there was no easy way to root it out anymore. You stared at the kitchen counter even as your eyes blurred with tears. There were knives there, clean and sharp. A razor would be better, but you didn’t keep them around for this exact reason. But knives could work, too. They could open you up so the pressure could release, they could cut out the rot. You trembled. That was a bad thought, tempting but dangerous, could go wrong too easily. Your gaze shifted to the refrigerator. There was wine in there, some nearly untouched bottles. You didn’t drink often, maybe a glass once per blue moon, and more for the occasional taste than for the effects of the alcohol. It sometimes ended up in your cooking when you were feeling ambitious. You knew too much could mix badly with your medication. You had gotten lucky the last time you drank, when your ex had left you teetering alone on the edge of a panic attack just like this one. You had downed nearly an entire bottle in one go and passed out. You had done it because you hadn’t wanted to hurt yourself that time either, and had decided alcohol-induced unconsciousness was safer. Now at the same precipice, maybe it would be safer that way again.

You reached out and touched the fridge’s handle before forcing yourself to pull your hand back. You looked at the counter, at the black handles and shiny blades lined up neatly in their holder. “Bad…bad thoughts,” you muttered. Still staring at them, you reached into your pocket and took out your phone. Your hands shook violently as you dragged your attention to the screen, opened the call app, and then stared at the list of contacts. Who did you think you were going to call? You needed someone here, someone to hold you, ground you, talk you down, but your parents were out of town for your mom’s surgery, and your bestie didn’t live near you. Any geographically closer friends were probably asleep at this hour, and besides, you weren’t sure if they knew how to handle someone on the verge of a panic attack. You didn’t think they’d want to, anyways. You couldn’t burden them with your stupid issues. You weren’t worth it. You were so useless, you couldn’t even handle your own dumb emotions. You were broken, you always had been. Why ask someone else to try to fix you when you knew it was impossible?

You touched Grillby’s cell number, watched as the screen change to the calling icon. Why were you doing this?  He had told you to call if your ever felt unsafe, and you definitely did not feel safe right now, but this hadn’t been how he meant it. Calling about this…you were only going to annoy him. He didn’t want to hear about your problems. He wouldn’t want to be friends with you anymore if he knew just how screwed up you were. The call connected. You heard a faint, business-like “good evening” come from the speaker that was nowhere near your ear. “I-I’m so-orry,” you choked out.

You were about to hang up the call when you heard Grillby say your name. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Even though you could barely hear him, the worry was evident. Reluctantly, you brought the phone to your face, but when you tried to speak, a harsh sob came out instead. There was the sound of wood scraping against wood. “What happened?” he asked in a tone that, while not angry, demanded a real answer from you.

“I-I…I don’t thi-ink I should be alone r-right now,” you said, clenching your hand into a white-knuckled fist as you fought to keep from breaking down completely.

“Are you safe?” A door opened and closed in the background. “I d-don’t know…m-mostly? I-I think I’m a-about to have a-a panic at-t-tack,” you stammered. You wished you could speak clearer, but the nervous energy you were shivering with made it impossible.

“Where are you?” His voice sounded different, and you realized it was because he was outside.

“I-I’m sorry, I sh-shouldn’t have bothered you,” you said quickly only to be cut off.

“No, you did the right thing to call someone.”

“B-but the pub –”

“Is closed.” There was the sound of a car door opening and shutting. “Where are you?” he asked again.

“…H-home.”

“And where is that?” he prompted. You gave him your address. An engine started, and the quality of his voice changed once more. “I’ll be there in ten minutes, okay? I’m going to stay on the phone with you.”

“D-don’t…Y-you’ll get in tr-trouble…can’t d-drive while on the phone.”

“I’m on speaker. It’s okay,” he said gently, patiently. “You’ve had panic attacks before, I take it. Do they happen often?”

“U-us-sed to a lot…th-then got m-meds and therapy for it…s-stopped seeing th-therapist after learning to handle this-is better…” Your throat tightened suddenly, as though trying to prove you wrong.

“Keep talking. You’re doing good. Are you still taking that medication?” The strangling feeling subsided a little bit at the sound of Grillby’s voice.

“Y-yeah, ’s why I do-on’t drink,” you said. Answering his questions was keeping you focused, which was preventing you from fully shutting down. Did he have experience with this sort of thing?

“Good. You’re taking care of yourself. That’s very good. What is the medication for?” You didn’t want to answer, afraid he’d realize just how stupid and weak and damaged you were. “It’s alright. I won’t judge you or tell anyone else, I promise. What is it for?” he said as though he could read your mind.

You whimpered, still scared, but you heard yourself say, “Dep-pression a-and anxiet-ty. I-I was getting bet-t-ter, I had b-been better. Then it got re-eal bad again. I-I’ve been trying t-to find a new th-therapist, but it’s s-s-slow going.”

He made a soft, sympathetic sound. “I’m so sorry. That’s a hard combination to deal with, but I’m glad you have been seeking help with managing it. When did this start happening again?”

“A-after…after h-he…” You couldn’t bring yourself to talk about your ex. It made your stomach churn. You tasted bile at the back of your throat. “It’s okay, I understand. You don’t have to talk about him. Try to breathe slowly and relax. I’m almost there. Just hang on for a little bit longer. Can you go wait by the door to let me in?”

You tried to answer, but instead began coughing. You ran to the sink, anticipating throwing up, but ultimately just hacked up a small wad of bile that you spat down the drain. It was better than full-on hurling, but still left an awful taste in your mouth. The strain had made the tears start, leaving hot trails down your cheeks. God, why were you such a fuck-up? You couldn’t even keep your shit together for ten stupid minutes. Just another failure to add to the list. That’s all you were, just a string of –

Your name was practically shouted into your ear, startling you into almost dropping your phone. “Can you hear me?! Answer me, please!” Grillby’s voice was being undercut by the roar of…flames? You hadn’t heard that before now…

“I-I’m,” you coughed again, but thankfully nothing came of it, “M’here.”

He muttered something you couldn’t make out. “Okay, okay…You’re alright…Listen, I need you to focus for just a little longer, okay?”

“I-I’m sc-scared,” you whimpered.

 “I know. But you’re going to be okay. I’m just a few minutes away. You’re being so brave right now.”

“M’not bra-ave.” A hiccupping sob punctuated your last word. “Stupid a-and scar-red.”

“You’re not stupid. You called for help when you knew you needed it. That’s smart. And you are brave.”

“I’m w-weak. I ca-an’t handle my own sh-shit by mys-s-self.” The tears came harder, faster.

“That doesn’t make you weak. You’re not weak for being overwhelmed. You’re strong for reaching out. You don’t have to go through this alone. Especially now.”  You heard a car pulling up outside and the engine shutting off over the phone. “I’m here. I’m right across the street. Which door is yours?”

Right, duplex. You should have thought to tell him that. You couldn’t find your voice anymore, so you made a humming sound to let him know you heard him and stumbled to the front door, almost forgetting to undo the chain before opening it.

His flames were high and wild with a strange, sickly green tinge to them. The moment he saw you, he shoved his phone into his pocket and all but sprinted to you. You were suddenly in his arms, feet leaving the floor as his momentum carried both of you back into your kitchen. Your knees buckled when he set you down and you went to the floor, hunched over and hyperventilating, dropping your phone in favor of clutching your arms as the attack you had been fighting back finally began in earnest. He swore under his breath and you felt his heat fade, heard the door close – See? He’s leaving. He hates you now. – and then he was kneeling in front of you, his hands on your shoulders, warmth enveloping you.

“I’m here, I’m right here. You’re not alone anymore. Can you look at me?” he asked, voice firm but gentle as he tried to get you to sit up.

“C-cah…ca-an’t, can’t, can’tcantcant,” the word tumbled repeatedly from your lips, shaking intensifying. Your chest tightened painfully. It felt like someone was pushing against it, forcing the air out of your lungs, turning the useless word into even more useless squeaks. You dug your nails into your arms.

His hands covered yours, forcing his fingers under yours before you broke skin. “It’s okay, spark, it’s  okay,” he said, interrupting your chant. The feeling of vulnerability spiked as he uncrossed your arms, making your throat close off. You sat up abruptly, mouth open as you uselessly gasped for air. His hands went to your cheeks, forcing you to stay upright and looking into his face. “Focus on me. I’m here, you’re here, we’re safe. Don’t gulp for air. Take a slow breath. You can do it. Don’t shake your head at me, you can.” You managed a tiny breath. “There, good. Do that again. Very good! Take a longer one. Here, copy me.” He took a slow breath, held it, then let it out just as slowly. “Just like that. You can do it. Come on,” he urged. Your breaths were stuttery and gasping, not nearly as long or as smooth as his, but he praised you nonetheless. A rough, hiccupping sob interrupted you, making you screw your eyes shut. There was a sizzling hiss as new tears were forced down your cheeks and onto his hands.

Panic renewed, you tried to jerk away but he held you firm. You grabbed his wrists and tried to pry him off, but he refused to let you go. You heard more sizzling. “N-no, please. L-let go…’M hu-urting you,” you whined, clawing at his fingers. He had been nice enough to help you and now you were hurting him. That’s all you ever did, hurt the people –

“Stop, spark. It’s alright. Calm down. You’re doing so well, just breathe,” he tried to soothe you.

“H-hu-urting you, hurting you! I’msorry’msorrysorrysorry!” The wild crying began again, but instead of letting you go, he pressed his forehead to yours, filling your vision with his flames. Being this close let you see beyond the reflections in his glasses and to his eyes, steady, pale golden-yellow orbs in a sea of flickering orange. The effect was hypnotic, all your attention zeroing in on it.

“You’re not hurting me, I promise. You are not hurting me,” he said firmly. “I’m safe, you’re safe, we’re safe. Say it. ‘We are safe.’”

The tears still fell, but you managed to croak, “W-we-e ar-re sa-s-safe.”

“Good. That’s very good. Take a breath, now say it again,” he coached. He made you repeat both his words and his breathing over and over, praising you each time. It didn’t matter when you relapsed into sobs, how ragged the breathing, how garbled the words; He always responded with the same praise and encouragement.

The terrified tension slowly left you, and your hands slipped from his wrists as the numb exhaustion set in. The elemental eased you into a hug, pressing your head to his chest. With your ear to where his SOUL must be, you heard a similar roar to the one on the phone. His flames…he had been so worried by you that his flames had gone wild…They had looked so wrong when he arrived. He had been so upset, and you had been too lost in yourself to even realize it. Some friend you were. “I-I’m sorry,” you croaked, throat raw from your crying.

“Shhh, no, no…Don’t apologize, spark,” he murmured, petting your head.

“But I upset you…It’s so late and I bothered you.” Your voice was tired, all your emotions spent.

His grip on you tightened. “You didn’t bother me, and I would’ve been far more upset if you had decided to suffer alone or had hurt yourself. I’m glad you reached out for help, and I’m honored you trusted me enough to call.” You weren’t entirely sure if you believed that last bit, but you were too tired to argue.

“Thank you…for coming.”

“Of course. Let’s get you off the floor, and you should have some water after crying so long.” He helped you up, catching you as you swayed on your feet. There was something…odd in the way he held you to his chest as your vertigo passed, but you couldn’t quite tell what it was. Though…you did like it, the way his arms wrapped tightly around you, making you feel safe, protected, wanted. You were reluctant to leave his arms to go find a mug and get some water from the tap. You didn’t really want to drink it, feeling too drained to manage even that small action, but you knew you needed to rehydrate after bawling your eyes out. “Feel better?” Grillby asked as you put your mug into the sink to deal with later.

“Yeah…wrung out, but that’s pretty normal given…yeah…” you said tiredly, leaning on the counter.

“Understandable. Not to change topic, but…what is squeaking?” he asked.

You forgot your exhaustion in an instant. “Oh geez, Larkin must be having a fit!” you said, spinning on your heel and scooting past Grillby with a quick “Pardon!” as you scurried into the den.

Sure enough, Larkin was perched with her front paws on her water bowl, her soft wheeks warbling with worry. “Hey, fuzzy, it’s okay. I’m okay,” you cooed, opening her door. Her whines swapped to purrs as you scratched behind her ears, happy to let you scoop her up for snuggles. The moment she was close enough, she began licking your cheek, nose, and chin, making you smile and fight back giggles as her whiskers tickled you. When she paused, you buried your nose in her shoulder fur and breathed her in, the smell of hay and living animal making you feel a little more like you. “You probably want cuddles after listening to all of that, huh, piggo?” you said, snagging her lap-time towel. You turned and blushed as you saw Grillby in the doorway, who had just witnessed everything. “Sorry. Listening to me have a meltdown upset my guinea pig. Sitting with her for a bit should calm her down,” you explained, ducking your head bashfully as you made for the couch.

“That’s perfectly fine,” he said, following you, watching you sit cross-legged and settle her in the little valley made by your legs. Larkin stared up at you with bright black eyes, lifting her chin for scritchies, which you obliged.

“You can sit, if you like,” you offered shyly to Grillby, wondering if he thought you were crazy for how you fussed over the furry potato. The elemental did so, politely leaving a little space between you. The moment he sat down, Larkin wheeled around to glare at him, fluffing her fur up as she began chattering her teeth. “Larkin!” you scolded, recognizing the start of a warning display.

“Oh, did I frighten her?” Grillby asked, his flames dimming a little. “I-I am fire, and animals don’t like…”

“No. Well, alright, you may have startled her, but this reaction is the guinea pig equivalent of looking for a throw-down. Larkin, chill!” You tried rubbing behind her ears, normally a favorite spot, but she tossed her head in annoyance, now adding rumbles to her display. “Lark, what is the issue?! Grillby’s done nothing – Oh my god, I just figured out why she’s ticked. Really, pig? Really?” You ruffled the fur behind her shoulders, dragging her attention from him to you. She glared at you over her shoulder with a shrill wheek, annoyed that you wrecked her obviously terrifying performance. “Larkin, Grillby’s not the reason I’m upset. He didn’t make me cry, fuzzo. He’s very nice and came over to help me. Grillby’s a friend. You don’t have to protect me.” The grumping from her stopped as you talked, her eyes going from narrowed to normal. Her head angled towards him, clearly giving him the side-eye, fur still a little poofy. “Yes, him. He’s good. I promise.”

“She is…protecting you…” Grillby said skeptically, eyeing the two-pound rodent.

“Yeah…While my ex was still getting his junk out of my apartment, he would hang around for a bit and try to make nice with me, which I really didn’t want him to do, because he’d usually start in on how happy he was that I was being civil about him leaving me. Y’know, I hadn’t thrown his stuff out on the curb or whatever. Which maybe I should have because it took him a month and a half to get everything out, but I digress.” You sighed, rubbing behind the guinea pig’s ears as she deflated. “I always cried after he left because seeing him hurt so much, and it seemed like he was actively trying to make it hurt worse. Larkin put things together after the second time it happened and realized he was the cause. She started putting on the same show she just gave you whenever he came over. The message was ‘People who upset Mom will not be tolerated.’ And because I was having a freak out with you here, she must’ve decided it was your fault.”

Grillby stared at you for a long time before hesitantly saying, “Please don’t take offense to this. I want to say you’re jumping to conclusions, but…” He looked down at the guinea pig who was now lounging on her side and gazing at him curiously as though she hadn’t been gearing up to tear his head off – or at least deliver some very nasty bites – moments earlier. “…She certainly seems happier now that you’ve explained it to her…”

You snorted good-naturedly at that. “I get that a lot. I don’t believe she understands every word I say, but she – any animal, really – can certainly tell from my tone and body language how I’m doing. I just had to get her attention off you and onto me so I could show her that I was okay with you being here.” Now that you weren’t distracted by everything, you had a chance to actually look at him. He was still in his work clothes, though minus the vest and apron, his bowtie undone but still caught in his shirt collar. “I…I’m sorry again for interrupting your night.”

He shook his head. “Please don’t apologize. Truly, you did nothing wrong. I was doing a little paperwork when you called, and I certainly don’t mind getting away from that.” You laughed as he intended. He sat back, his arm across the couch behind you. “I am happy I could help you.” Worn out but content, you found yourself leaning towards him. It wasn’t a conscious thing, but he was so warm, and you were so tired. His arm slid from the back of the couch to around your shoulders, guiding you to rest your back against his side. You automatically relaxed against him, feeling safe. He held out his other hand for Larkin to sniff. She did so eagerly, was let down to find it didn’t have food, and settled back down with a huff. He used a finger to rub her forehead, which made up for some of her disappointment. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” he asked softly.

You sighed, closing your eyes. “No, but I probably should.”

((needs stuff))

“Will you be alright sleeping alone?” Grillby asked. Abruptly his flames tinted blue. “It’s not, ah…I’m not trying to get in bed with you, but it’s just…”

“I understand,” you said, sparing him from any more embarrassment. “After he left me…hell, even when we were still ‘together’ but he was…away…I used to sleep on the couch. Listening to Larkin doing her thing…you know, munching on her kibble or her hay, playing with her toys, chatting to herself…It helped a little. Sounds of normalcy, of life helped me relax and sleep. Also helped when I woke up from a bad dream or whatever, just to know everything was okay. You’ve…probably had those nights, too, yeah?”

He gave you a sad smile. “Yes. There have been many times I needed to know that the people I cared about were safe or that I wasn’t alone before I could rest. I thought it might help you now…to know that you aren’t alone, I mean.”

“I…I don’t know. I mean, it would help, but I can’t think of any arrangement that wouldn’t be awkward. Sleeping in my bed together might be weird, but I’d feel really bad sleeping on the couch and making you sleep on the floor.”

“And I certainly wouldn’t let you sleep on the floor,” he said. “I won’t force you to share your bed, but I promise I would not touch you if you did,” he added softly.

“Oh, that…that isn’t the problem. I mean, I-I wouldn’t bed down with a stranger, but I’ve, uh, I’ve never minded sleeping with friends in a cuddle-pile, you know? I just didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I don’t know if you minded that, or if Monsters…i-if it would be…” You focused on your hands, picking nervously at your nails. “If you minded being that close to a human,” you finished reluctantly.

His hand covered yours. “I don’t mind. You are my friend. I feel as safe with you as you do with me.”

“Then I guess we can share,” you said with a shy smile. You turned to Larkin, who had been snuffling through her hay pile while you talked. At her name, she perked up and came over to the cage bars. “Good night, Larky. Sweet dreams,” you cooed, giving her a nose boop. She narrowed her eyes at you, irritated with you for distracting her with such foolishness, before waddling back to her hay. You smiled to yourself as you turned off the lights, briefly confused that it wasn’t as dark as it should be until remembering Grillby was literal fire. Or magical fire. You weren’t completely sure which way it went, not that it really mattered.

He followed you to the bedroom where you both stood looking at your unmade bed. “Sorry it’s a mess. I didn’t think I’d have anyone I’d need to straighten it up for,” you said, embarrassed.

“It’s not a problem,” Grillby answered, touching your back lightly. Somehow that touch calmed you more than his words did. “Which side do you prefer?”

“Closer to the door, if that’s okay. Oh, um, are you okay sleeping in your clothes? I have some oversized shirts and sweatpants if you wanted to change.”

“A different shirt would be nice, thank you.”

“Yeah, just a sec.” You grabbed a shirt from your pajama drawer, not looking to see which one it was. When you turned back, you found him regarding your large, somewhat squashed hamster plush. “I, uh, I like to cuddle things when I sleep,” you said, embarrassment mounting further.

“That’s quite alright, spark,” he said gently as he took the shirt. You quickly stepped out so he could change, still blushing. You were starting to feel nervous about this. What would he think of all your dumb quirks? Did he think you were childish for still sleeping with a plush? You had already decided to forgo listening to music the way you normally did, afraid of annoying him. Your close friends all happily accepted your idiosyncrasies as a part of who you were, but what if he didn’t? You didn’t think you were that close…even though you had called him for help…why had you done that, anyway? It had felt like the right thing to do in the moment, almost instinctive. But now that you thought about it, it seemed odd. And he kept calling you ‘spark.’ That was new…

“‘Steam Powered Giraffe?’” you heard him ask. You peeked around the door to find he was changed and now looking down at the logo on the shirt.

“They’re a band. You might actually like their music. It’s a little bit of everything, some jazz, some folk, some light rock,” you said, trying not to stare. You’d only ever seen him in his bar-tending attire, crisp and clean and admittedly handsome. Now a little more casually dressed, he still managed to look good. The shirt was large even on him, but instead of looking disheveled, he simply looked relaxed. He looked like…your heart gave a painful pang. He looked like he could belong in your life. You shoved the thought away. That wasn’t something to think about right now. Or ever.

“I’ll look into them, then,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Do you need a charger for your phone? I have spare cables for just about any make and wall adapters,” you offered, shaking off your longing.

“Yes, thank you.” He told you what plug his phone had and you grabbed the right cable and adapter from your nightstand’s drawer. “Always so prepared?” he teased.

“When it comes to electronics, yes. I have back-ups for my back-ups. Never know when a cable will decide to stop working.” You sat on your side of the bed, your back to him, and grabbed your hamster plush to cuddle. Why did this feel normal and awkward at the same time? You remembered another of your quirks to warn him about. “Oh, um, another thing about me. I don’t snore, but sometimes I…I hum in my sleep.”

“You hum?” He sounded genuinely curious.

“Yeah, I always have. Sometimes I can hear myself doing it, though I can’t always stop it. I think…I think it’s because I tend to have vivid dreams and I’m trying to talk in my sleep, but I never quite get there. It’s that or I’m having a nightmare and I’m trying to wake myself up. But I’m sorry in advance.”

“Please don’t worry so much. It’s alright.” You felt the bed shift and then his hand on your back again. “Let’s get some rest, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” you said, looking over your shoulder at him. His expression was soft and kind, completely understanding of your nervousness. You calmed a little at it. He hadn’t judged you so far and it didn’t seem like that was going to change.

He turned to take off his glasses, and you took it as your cue to do the same. You laid down facing the wall, feeling the bed shift as he got comfortable as well. His body gave off enough heat that you didn’t feel the need to pull up your blankets, though you did tuck your feet under them, knowing if any part of you was going to get cold, it would be your toes. You tried to relax, but your mind felt like it was going a million miles a second. Did he need the blankets? Could fire elementals get cold? Would he be upset if you cuddled against him? You wouldn’t do it on purpose, but you knew you tended to gravitate towards warm things in your sleep. Did he sleep on his side like you, or his back? Was this awkward for him?

“I can feel you thinking,” he said quietly, making you go rigid.

“S-sorry!” you squeaked.

He chuckled softly, and you felt the bed shift and then a hand between your shoulder blades. “You’re fine, spark. Sleep,” he murmured, fingers rubbing slow, lazy circles. You had relaxed at his touch alone, and the continued ministrations combined with the warmth and soft crackle of his flames soon had you drifting off.

Almost immediately you were plunged into a nightmare. Of course it didn’t start as such; they never did.

((needs stuff))

Your eyes were open – you could see your ceiling – but the dream continued, now projected onto the cracked, off-white paint. You could hear your hums and whines, but you couldn’t wake up. Your body was frozen, and despite you making noise it felt like you couldn’t breathe. You tried to relax, knowing if you just could do that you’d be able to breath, but your chest only continued to tighten, making your terror worsen, making your chest tighten further, and the vicious cycle began.

“Shh-shh, you’re alright, you’re safe,” a sleepy voice startled you into taking a gasping breath. You jolted into a half-sitting position, leaning on your elbows as you panted. Warm arms encircled you, pulling you back down. You mewled in fright and struggled to free yourself, the nightmare too fresh in your mind. “Easy, easy… No one’s going to hurt you, everything’s okay,” the voice continued, the arms getting tighter around you. Reality finally set in. Grillby. It was just Grillby. You were awake and it was just Grillby. “That’s right, it’s just me. I have you,” he said gently. You hadn’t realized you’d said anything out loud. You turned and threw your arms around him, burying your face into his chest as your tears came. “Oh! Oh, spark…It’s okay. Everything’s okay,” he cooed. He eased the two of you back down, ending up on his back with you tucked firmly against his side, his arm under your neck and around your back. Your head rested on his shoulder, one arm curled to your chest while the other rested on his, hand clutching his shirt.

“I-I’m sorry,” you whimpered, only for him to shush you.

“Shh, it’s alright. This is why I wanted to stay with you.” His other hand found its way to your head and began slowly petting it. You cuddled closer against him. “That’s it, get comfy. Warm enough? Good. Do you want to talk about it? Or are you okay to go back to sleep?”

“I-I’m scared the nightmare will come back,” you whispered.

“Don’t be. It can’t hurt you. And if it does come back, I’m here to chase it away again.” He shifted a little and you felt something touch your forehead briefly. Did he just…kiss you? He was talking again before you could fully process what had happened, the soft rumble of his voice in his chest against your ear lulling you back towards sleep. “I won’t let anything happen to you. Just relax and rest. I’ll keep you safe, I promise.”

((needs stuff))

Grillby sat up, pausing to look at you. Angel above, you were cute, curled around your much-loved plush with your hair half-covering your face. He couldn’t resist brushing it back to reveal your calm expression. You looked so at peace. He wished you looked like that when you were awake. Even at your happiest, there was always a tension in you, like you were expecting the world to collapse around you at any second. Though, that did make sense as he thought about it; That was essentially what had happened to you when your previous relationship had ended.

((needs stuff))

He needed to clear his thoughts. He liked you, that much he was certain of. When it had happened, he wasn’t entirely sure, but at some point his SOUL had decided that you belonged with them. It pulsed happily every time he saw you enter his pub, sending unconscious flicks of yellow through his flames. The sheer contentedness it felt from simply having you where he could keep a careful eye on you settled him, and it was hard to keep his flames from dimming with his SOUL’s disappointment when you left. His SOUL wanted you near all the time, not out of some strange possessive streak or the belief you needed protecting, but purely because it liked seeing you relaxed and happy. He liked that, too, though it had taken him longer to realize that it wasn’t just from pride at having an establishment where everyone felt safe to unwind. The more time he spent around you, the more he wanted to do…well, more. He wanted to hold your hand, pet your hair, murmur gentle things into your ear.

Last night had been nice. Not the parts where you had been terrified, Angel above, no. He never wanted to hear you cry like that, see the absolute panic in your eyes, feel your body shaking so hard, ever again. But after, having you relaxing against him on the couch, comforting you after your nightmare, cuddling you as you fell back asleep…He’d wanted to do those things for a long time. He loved you.

The trouble was he couldn’t tell if you felt the same. Oh, he knew you felt calmer in his presence, but that didn’t tell him or his SOUL much. You didn’t flirt, or at least not as far as he could tell. The few times you’d mentioned you wanted to reenter the dating scene but were still too nervous to seemed more like a confession than an insinuation. But there were times he’d catch you absently watching him with a soft, distant look in your eyes, like there was something you wanted but wouldn’t ask for. The only hint he had that you might be interested in something more was that when the place was empty and quiet enough for your ever-present defenses to lower, you would ask him about himself. Nothing prying or uncomfortable, but clearly things you had been mulling over for a while. The one that stood out to him the most was when you had asked if you could touch his hand. It was the first truly personal thing you’d ever asked of him, and the way you had phrased the request had stuck with him. You hadn’t asked if he would be too hot or would burn you. You had asked what it would feel like, and when he had offered you his hand, you hadn’t hesitated. When he had stoked himself hotter to show you that he wouldn’t burn you or anything he didn’t want to, you hadn’t recoiled in fright. You’d been fascinated to learn how much intent affected magic, and amazed by his control, though it was really nothing impressive to him.

(Something about that nudged at the shadow of a memory in his mind, but it flitted away before he could grasp it.)

((needs stuff))

Consciousness eased its way into your mind. Stretching a leg, you were surprised to feel the edge of the bed with your foot. Why were you so close to the edge? You rolled over and sighed into the pillows. The tinge of wood-smoke caught your attention. Why would you smell…Last night came back to you in bits and pieces, but primarily the image of a fire elemental sitting on the edge of your bed, smiling softly at you, and later that same elemental cuddling you after your nightmare/sleep paralysis episode. So where was he now? Had he just…left…at some point? Though he wasn’t under any obligation to stay with you until you woke up, the thought that he left without a word…hurt more than you thought it would.

 “Grillby?” you called softly, feeling a little silly about doing so.

 “Out here, spark.” The relief you felt when you heard him respond turned your tense muscles into jelly for a moment. You grabbed your glasses and stumbled out of bed and into the kitchen to find him sitting at your table, hands wrapped around a steaming mug. He looked at you with a smile. “Good morning, sleepyhead,” he teased, affection in his golden eyes.  Hold up, his eyes?

“Y-your…You aren’t wearing your glasses,” you said, confused.

He straightened and touched his face as though confused, and then a little flick of blue went through his flames as he laughed awkwardly. “Ah, I…I don’t use them to correct my sight. You know how my glasses reflect my flames? I wear them as I don’t…generally like people being able to see my eyes.”

“O-oh, I’m sorry!” you said, quickly looking at the floor.

Grillby just chuckled again. “It’s alright. I don’t mind you seeing them. You’re my friend.”

Nervously, almost not quite believing him, you looked back up into his face again. His flames brightened when you did, tingeing yellow with happiness. This felt like it was something more than just a friendship. It felt…bigger. You chewed on your lip before deciding you had to say something. “Grillby…not only did you come when I called, you stayed with me all night, even through my dumb nightmare…and you kept – keep – calling me ‘spark’…Something…changed last night, didn’t it?”

He stiffened, his flames dimming and curling closer to his form. It seemed like he was trying to make himself as small as possible. After a moment he sighed, flames fluffing out again, and sagged into his chair. “Yes. And I’m afraid it’s my fault.” He motioned to the other chair. “Sit, and I’ll explain.”

You did so, nervously playing with a loose thread on your sleeve. He took a breath, as though about to say something, but then sighed again and dropped his gaze to the table. “Did I do something wrong?” you asked, breaking the tense silence.

Immediately his head shot up. “Oh, no, no! Not at all, spark. I just…I haven’t been completely honest with you, and I feel bad for that, though I don’t know if I would change anything if I could do it over. You see…” He paused and leaned back in his chair, clearly thinking. “How do you feel around me?”

“Um…good? I’m comfortable? I mean, you’re my friend, so…” You drifted off,  a little confused.

“But it’s not just that, is it?” he asked, looking at you intently. “You’ve always felt at ease with me, trusted me. Think of when we first met. I’m a fire Monster, and you weren’t afraid of me or my touch.” “I wasn’t afraid of anyone there that night,” you countered, though he did have a point. A human should be afraid of a walking fireball purely on principle, but you hadn’t even considered that he might burn you until much later, and even then you had dismissed the concern easily.

“You told me everything you had been through, even though we had just met,” he continued seriously, hinting at…something…

“Well, aren’t people supposed to tell bartenders their issues?” you tried to joke, but it felt hollow. You sighed. “No, I-I’m sorry. You’re…you’re right. I feel so…at peace with you, like nothing bad could possibly happen if you’re around. I don’t want to keep anything from you. It’s almost like I can’t, that it would be wrong to not let you see…all of me. You’d see through any act I tried to put on anyways, but that’s not a bad thing because it’s you. No matter what, I’m…I’m safe when I’m with you.”

“Yes,” he said softly. “You and I…What do you know about SOULs?”

“Not much. I, um, I did try going to the library to learn more, but a-a lot of it went right over my head. The only book I really understood was one for Monster kids…” you admitted, a little embarrassed.

He nodded, more to himself. “I can teach you later. It’s not necessary to know everything to understand this.” He sighed, looking down at his hands. “You and I are SOULkin. Humans would refer to it as ‘kindred spirits.’ Our SOULs…compliment? No…they resonate with each other. We naturally gravitate towards one another because our SOULs know the other will understand and support us. It’s instinctive, almost ingrained, in us to seek out the other, especially in times of stress.” He paused. You thought about how often you went to the pub, how just sitting at the bar while he worked was enough to settle whatever nerves had been bothering you, how quickly you had calmed in his presence during your first visit, how you had called him when at your worst.

 “I did not tell you this, however, and maybe I should have,” he continued. “At first, it was simply because I didn’t think it was terribly important for you to know. People, Human and Monster, can have multiple SOULkin. It’s a relatively common bond, though that doesn’t make it any less special. But as time went on, I began to feel differently toward you. You are so naturally kind and patient and giving. You care so much and so easily for those around you. You feel so deeply, and you aren’t afraid of those feelings. You may try to hide your pain, fear, and grief from others, but you don’t hide yourself from them. You accept them and feel them as deeply as any joy. I admire you for that.”

“Grillby,” you started, embarrassed and a bit alarmed by the sudden praise, but he held up a hand.

“It took me some time to realize that I…I liked you. I had fallen in love with you. After that, I didn’t tell you about us being SOULkin because I was afraid you’d feel obligated to love me back. After what you’d been through, I didn’t want you to feel pressured into a new relationship, especially if you weren’t ready for one. Even when it seemed like you might have feelings for me, I didn’t say anything because I was worried about accidentally pushing you.” He took a shuddering breath, his composure slipping. “When you called me last night…When I saw you…There was so much hurt in you that I hadn’t known was there, that I hadn’t seen…I was so afraid…I-I thought you were going to fall down.”

“‘Fall down’?” you repeated.

He looked at you. You didn’t know if fire elementals could cry, but it looked like he was going to. “Die. When a Monster falls down, they die.” Your heart skipped a beat. Even if you hadn’t been thinking of ending it all, the ‘coping’ methods you had considered could just as easily have led to that by mistake. “I was so afraid I was going to lose you, such a wonderful friend and an amazing person…to never get to tell you how I felt…I wanted to take the hurt and fear from you, to give you strength and hope, to show you just how loved you are…and so my SOUL attempted to form a SOULbond with yours.”

“A-a…a what?” Anxiety was beginning to form a knot in your stomach.

“It’s…a deeper connection than the passive SOULkin bond. It’s a Bond that is actively formed between SOULs that care deeply for one another. My SOUL wanted to form it with yours because it wanted to help you, to help your SOUL, but to try it while you were so distressed…” He trailed off.

“Is that…a bad thing?” You felt a little overwhelmed by what he was saying.

“The Bond itself is not, but doing it so suddenly and without you knowing or understanding it is. Even though there was no malicious intent behind the action, a Bond isn’t something that should be formed spur-of-the-moment. But my SOUL wanted to…I wanted to…I was so…” He stared at his hands as he struggled to find the right words. “Maybe I should have just told you about being SOULkin from the start, or at least told you how I felt before now. Maybe I would have seen just how much you were holding inside, or maybe just being with you could somehow have kept everything from getting so bad…Maybe what happened last night wouldn’t have happened. But I am sorry for keeping everything from you, even if I was doing so with the best of intentions.”

“O-oh…wow…that’s…a-a lot to process…” you said, leaning back in your own chair.

“I understand. Please take your time. Would…would you like me to leave so you can think in peace?” He looked hurt by his own offer, but you didn’t doubt he would go if you told him to.

“No, please don’t,” you quickly said, leaning forward and reaching out to him, though you stopped part way, not entirely certain if he’d want you to touch him after all those revelations. Your hand rested on the table between you. It looked lonely to you, but you left it there, lost as to what you should be doing. “Did…my SOUL react to the Bond?”

“It very nearly accepted it. I don’t know if it was going to because it wanted to or if in the moment it felt it needed to, but I pulled back before you did something without meaning to.” That thought lingered for a moment before he added, “However, if did you want to, I would very much like to be your Bonded.”

“What does that mean, though? I don’t know i-if I understand…”

“It’s…” He looked at the ceiling as though the answer would be there. “I guess a human might liken it to dating or having a very deep friendship, but more…solid. It comes with a promise of certainty, that both will always be connected. It’s for the very closest of friends or those in love, and well…I love you.”

You struggled to absorb that. It seemed too unreal that someone like him – self-assured, calm, and put-together – could feel that way for someone like you – anxious, flighty, and a spazz. “So…I don’t even know how to phrase this…Are the feelings the SOULkin-resonance-thing creates real? Or are we…I guess just…compelled to care for each other because of them?”

“I believe them to be real,” he said gently, earnestly, leaning forward to finally put his hand on yours. “I do not feel like I was forced to come to you when you called me, or forced to stay with you after to ensure you had recovered. You needed someone to be there, and I wanted to be that person. You may have called me simply because your SOUL recognized I was someone safe to be with when you were vulnerable, but I hope you know that I am even without its influence.”

You turned that thought over in your mind. It was hard untangling your own emotions, but you couldn’t imagine Grillby just ignoring someone’s call for help. He may put on an aloof air sometimes behind the counter, but you knew just how attentive he was to all of his patrons. He would do anything to ensure their comfort, and not just because they were paying customers. He’d been kind to you right from the start, a strange human having a meltdown that he could have just kicked out, but instead did whatever he could to help you calm down and inviting you to share your problems, going so far as to let you stay after the place had closed so you could tell them in private, even giving you his phone number and offering you a safe place to stay. Your hurt and fear hadn’t been a burden, but something to be cared for.

Grillby cared, and he was asking you to be a bigger part of his life because he cared.

“What changes between us if I accept the Bond?” you asked.

“Nothing much, or not to a Monster, at least. It will probably be a little more to a human. We would be able to better perceive and understand the other’s emotions when near to each other, making it easier to support the other in times of need, which was why my SOUL attempted it in the first place. At a distance, we would be able to push thoughts or feelings back and forth. Nothing so grand as telepathy, but simple things like ‘happy,’ ‘sad,’ ‘love.’ It will naturally encourage our relationship to deepen along with our understanding of the other, and it will provide the security of knowing that someone will always be in your corner.”

You hesitated to ask, worried about offending him, but this felt like a huge deal and something you needed to know as much about as possible. “Can it be…ended?”

If he was hurt by the question, he didn’t show it. “Yes, though it is rare for that to happen.”

“Okay…I-I don’t know if this is off-topic, but what are ‘soulmates,’ then? O-or is that an entirely human construct?”

His flames tinted slightly blue. “That usually happens after SOULbonded become…deeply intimate.”

“Oh…Oh!” You clapped your hand over your mouth before you could say anything else humiliating.

He laughed, waving off your embarrassment. “It’s alright. Most Bonded end up as Mates, but it will not pressure us to become that if you don’t want it. Such feelings tend to bloom when you are connected to someone so deeply, but it can remain platonic if you wish. Being Mates doesn’t have to be physical either, though it frequently goes in that direction. It happens when Monsters…people trust each other enough to allow the other to see and touch their SOUL, which you can likely imagine is as intimate as sex, if not more so.”

You hesitated, too nervous to look at him. “I-is…is that something what you want? To be Mates?”

“Someday, and, admittedly, in the physical sense as well as the SOUL sense,” he said, soft but certain. “But that isn’t something that has to be decided right away. There’s no time limit, and I would not push you one way or the other. I simply want to be with you, to be a bigger part of each other’s life.” You believed him, that he would allow you to make that choice when the time came, and it didn’t seem like he wanted to rush to it either. Which was good, because while you were potentially interested in things turning physical, you would certainly need time to get used to being in a relationship again, much less adjust to the whole SOULbonded-thing. You took a breath. “So how do I accept the Bond?”

His hand tightened on yours slightly, his flames becoming brighter. “Please, don’t force yourself to. You don’t need to do this on my account.” He sounded both anxious and eager. How long had you both been pining for each other without saying anything?

“I know, but…I love you as well. I-I was scared to admit it to myself, especially after…everything. I was afraid I was grabbing onto the first person who genuinely seemed to care about me. I don’t become infatuated easily, so I was worried by how quickly I felt myself wanting to be closer to you, but maybe being SOULkin was what was helping that along. I-I don’t know…I just knew that being around you felt good…natural. You were someone I could banter with but also be real with. I didn’t feel like I had to try to impress you or hide how weird I could be, and letting you see when I was hurting didn’t feel like I was being weak or making myself vulnerable. You didn’t try to make me hide my sadness away, or fix it, or hand out platitudes the way a lot of people did. You sympathized without trying to make me feel better, which ironically made me feel way better than anyone else had. You listen to my ramblings not out of politeness, but because you value what I’m thinking.” You laughed, embarrassed, knowing you were currently rambling. “You were even okay when I just wanted to be around without interacting, which is something a lot of my friends don’t quite understand. I also think you’re very kind. You’re funny, and clever, and so patient. You’re so attentive to the world around you, you see things I never would. I admire you, too, and I want to spend more time with you, and not with a counter between us. I love you, I want to be with you, and I want to be your Bonded. So how do I do that?”

He searched your eyes for a moment before you felt something…shift. It felt like something was very lightly touching your chest, just over your heart, though neither of you had moved. “You only need to say ‘yes.’” There was so much hope in his voice. Abruptly you realized that he was just as vulnerable as you had been last night. He had let his guard down and was inviting you in, asking you to share his life because he wanted you to be a part of it. He wanted you, flaws and quirks and all, because he loved you.

“Then…yes.” The pressure on your chest increased, and you felt something in you seem to pull towards it. You glanced down, expecting to see something, but nothing was there. “Grillby?” you whispered, suddenly nervous.

“It’s alright, sweet spark. Don’t be afraid,” he said gently.

You felt more defenseless than you had been last night, and despite his words, you were afraid. What if he Bonded with you and then learned something about you he didn’t like? What if you were about to trap him with you, about to make all of your problems his? You still had so many things you needed to work out, so much emotional and mental baggage, and here you were about to dive right back into uncertainty, into a relationship that was clearly bigger than you understood. It was too much too soon. You clutched your chest over where the pressure was and curled in on yourself. “W-wait, I’m sorry! I can’t!” you gasped.

Immediately the pressure was gone and Grillby was kneeling beside you. “Relax, you’re alright. No one’s making you do this. It’s okay. I promise it’s okay,” he assured you. One hand rested on your knee and the other was on your back, warm and comforting without making you feel trapped.

“I-I thought I could…but I…I don’t think…I’m not ready. I’m sorry. God, I’m so, so sorry,” you whispered, mortified by your reaction. Grillby was so good to you, so sweet and caring…How could you reject him?

“Look at me, spark, please. You aren’t in trouble,” he soothed, his hand rubbing gentle circles on your back. You didn’t want him to see the tears that were welling up in your eyes, but you obeyed. “It’s okay if you aren’t ready –”

“No, it isn’t!” you said, interrupting him. “I said I would be your Bonded, and now I’m saying I won’t! I’m sorry for changing my mind, I’m not trying to be wishy-washy, I just –”

“Did you change your mind?” he asked, his turn to interrupt you. “You said you weren’t ready, not that you didn’t want to be my Bonded. That’s not changing your mind; that’s needing time. I understand that. We can still spend that time together, getting to know each other better, until you are ready.”

“Grillby,” you whimpered weakly. Your ex had always told you that you were being indecisive when you asked for time to think before making big choices, but Grillby…didn’t think that? You slid out of your chair to join him on the floor, wrapping your arms around him as you pressed your head into his shoulder. He held you close, resting his cheek against your temple. “I’m sorry. I-I…I was afraid you’d hate being with me. There’s so much I’m still dealing with in my head, so much I’m still sorting through and trying to get over. I didn’t want to burden you.”

“Shh, don’t apologize. There’s nothing you have to be sorry for,” he murmured, rocking you. “I don’t see you as a burden. I want to be there to help and support you.”

You nodded into his shoulder, sniffling. “I know…I just…I want to have more of myself sorted before doing anything so big and real…C-can…I still want…I-I don’t know if it’s okay to in Monster culture, but…Can we still try dating, e-even if I’m not ready to become your SOULbonded?”

“Oh, sweet spark, you misunderstand!” he laughed, sounding relieved. “I’m so sorry! I should’ve been clearer. Dating and Bonding aren’t mutually exclusive for Monsters. We can take our time and get to know each other better first. It’s probably better that way, too. I didn’t mean to imply that we had to Bond just to go out.” He eased you back so he could look into your face, absolutely beaming.  “I would love to date you.” He lifted a hand, letting you see it before touching your cheek, tenderly wiping away your tears. “May I kiss you?” You gave him a watery smile and nodded. He leaned down, the hand still behind you pulling you closer, and pressed his lips to yours. Much like his hands, his lips had the same soft-but-solid-heat feeling but with a little more give. There was no force behind it, no demand for more than that gentle kiss. He let you be the one to decide how long to hold it for, and when you did break it, he rested his forehead to yours. “I am here for you, sweet spark. For everything.”

“Thank you,” you breathed, giving him another soft kiss. “I love you.”

The fire elemental cradled you to his chest, warmth engulfing you like a soft blanket. “I love you, too.”

[willedeservesbetter]

OMG, I'm enjoying your vampire fic so much! You are very talented and I'm very grateful you decided to write and post it. I haven't been thrilled by a fic so much since the Darkest Little Paradise. I have no idea where you will lead this story and I'm eager to know! (that said, I'm not hurrying you up - please take as much time as you need to feel inspired again)

Also want you to know - you are not writing into the void - look at all the kudos - 200 people read it a liked it! It's a lot! And we are not allowed to leave more than 1 kudo - you would have 15 times more! And as soon as it will be completed, more people will come to read it - so many of us are traumatized by abandoned amazing stories, not everyone has a courage to commit to an on-going fic.

As for lack of comments...

I'm speechless every time i finish a chapter, sorry for not saying anything.

It's a guilty pleasure fic, people are just people, they may feel embarrassed to enjoy 'good boys go bad'

People may want to avoid others commenting on their opinions

People (me, I'm people) didn't realize how much the feedback is important for you personally

Writers express their discomfort with comments like 'what is next? 'I'm ready for more', 'can't wait' and the like so often in this fandom - some choose rather not to comment anything at all than unintentionally making writers uncomfortable. And frankly, it's not fun getting constantly scolded by authors for wanting to show your love and commitment.

Anyway! I hope you'll find your joy back! I'll be waiting!!! Your fic is amazing and is very needed.

Hey,

First of all, thank you for your kind message and your words. It means a lot to me and it makes me very happy that my fic brings you so much joy. I can also take away your fear I abandoned my fic. I will update the last chapters, they will come and I will try going back in the groove again in October. Especially Wilhelm’s backstory is too important for me to stop writing now.

But was it my plan to end the story soon-ish? The answer is simple: no. I had a lot of motivation and joy to keep going indefinitely and the last chapter I posted had 2/3 hints for future storylines I had planned. I might still write them, never say never, but currently it is more important to me to find a good ending that works now in the story.

Going to some of your points/explanations, I hope you do not mind I will give you my perspective, and how certain decisions will eventually reach certain conclusions:

I understand that writing a dark fic has risks. I was already prepared that people would not post comments because they are afraid they would get judged. Especially because this is a fic set in the Young Royal universe and I really went the extra-mile to make Wilhelm and Simon monsters. I wanted them to be vampires and not Twilight 2.0. As a matter of fact, I am certain many stopped reading because it got too dark (which is fine!), and I am even more sure I am also judged by some people (which is not fine!).

It is one of the reasons I opened the option to leave guest comments, so readers could leave ANY comment, without it being linked to their real accounts. By any comment, I mean any comment. Of course, I love the longer ones, but I am equally excited to get heart emojis. It is a nice feeling to see that people actually read my fic when I update. It also shows people are reading new chapters when I post them.

Yes, I have 200 kudos, but half of them I got before chapter 6 for instance, and I know I lost readers with that chapter. How many of them are actually still reading? I do not know. Based on the feedback from the last chapters, I only knew of 3 people actually reading this fic (and one of them is one of my best friends and she doesn’t even like YR), and I am not kidding when I say it felt as if I was updating into the void.

There is a very bitter boomerang effect for not giving comments: why should I invest hours, energy, passion and dedication when in return my story is treated as a “dirty little secret”? No one owes me anything, but why should I keep investing so much, when in return my readers cannot even take 30 seconds to reply back with a heart? How many fics got abandoned, because writers thought they had no audience and no one cares if they keep updating?

Then something else happened: on Tumblr suddenly, everyone went gaga over Wilmon as vampires. I saw polls, I saw discussions, I saw one-shots. Other authors got so much love and likes and messages for writing short vampire snippets. It was so much fun at first! It was not fun anymore when my fic did not get mentioned once. It was also not fun when I saw comments in the vein of “Simon being a vampire is wrong”. I see the number of kudos, I see my number of subscribers, I see the number of HITS I get. My fic is not a secret, and yet despite having written 70k words of Wilmon being vampires, it did not matter compared to 500-word snippets.

The conclusion I reached was pretty simple: the problem is not that it is a dark fic. The problem is not that I am writing Wilmon as vampires. The problem is my fic is not worth recommending. The problem is my writing and world building is not good enough. The problem is I am the author and I am nobody in this fandom.

(and let’s be very blunt, this fandom is not welcoming to people who have opinions/ideas outside of the norm. Hence my statement I was insane writing a dark fic for THIS fandom. It was a disaster in the making from the start).

I did not want to beg for comments. I also wanted to avoid another public emotional breakdown for feeling so sad and exhausted. A hiatus and ending the fic was the only option for me. I honestly expected maybe 3 people would care about my author's note. I had lost all trust in my fic, in my story, in my writing and in my plans.

I took a massive risk writing this fic. I hope you understand why it hurts so much when in return it gets treated as a “dirty little secret”. Because no matter the intention, this is sending a message to the author, so please do not be surprised when the author eventually has to make decisions that are not in favor of the reader. Because “my” vampires will stay alive in my mind – I know where they will go next. But I have no obligation to keep sharing.

This sounds more dramatic than it was my intention. As I said, I will finish this story and I really appreciate your message and word’s. I am a fickle person and maybe in November I will randomly post the sequel. Who knows. But for now I need to take 10 steps back, before I will make more decisions that I might regret later. I think I owe this to myself.

[brokenjardaantech]

For (one thing you want to know about me) ask!! We've been mutuals for years now (and I'm so lucky!🥰💕 love you!!) And I saw many posts from many fandoms on your blog! Which one between fandoms is your favourite? Like, which one you felt more close to characters or people in fanbase were kind and welcoming.

Thank you!!!💖💖💖💖

Thanks for the ask Merry! Love you too! <3

And man, it's difficult to say which fandom I like the most. Apart from DBH, I haven't really interacted with what I would think of as The Fanbase™, so for the sake of comparison I'll focus on the characters.

My favourite characters - if we talk about canon - are probably Death Stranding. I don't reblog stuff from that game often, but the humanity of the main cast is amazing, and the struggle against a quiet, unforgiving landscape... let's say it is A Vibe.

In terms of the favourite cast that I like to play with like a collection of dolls, however, I'll have to say Call of Duty. I'm only familiar with the reboot universe, but between mw19, mw2, and mw3, there is actually a lot of characters I can work on. It helps that the operators' backgrounds are on the vaguer side, which gives me a lot more room in terms of their backstory, characterisation, relationships, etc. Some of my interpretations are quite different from the so-called fanon though, and most of the characters I'm into aren't exactly the most popular ones anyway - e.g. my Otter/Wyatt fanfic is the second fic with the tag on ao3 and they've been around since mw19 - so most of my ideas exist either in Discord DMs or WIPs in my Google Drive. Maybe I'll finish another one some day. Idk if you've read the omegaverse aledolfo fic but by god that universe has expanded a lot since that fic and has got a lot darker too. I won't call my interpretations canon though, because again, the actual 'canon' of the operators can fit into half a sheet of A4 paper. Not saying I'm disregarding it though; I know ignoring canon is the approach of a lot of people, but for myself I prefer knowing the rules before breaking them. It's just more fun to me to work within the loose limits set by the information provided to us in the games.

When it comes to favourite cast to write, it's a tie between CoD and Mass Effect: Andromeda, the former because I always have fresh ideas and the characters are legit fun to play with (especially if you allow them to be toxic, make mistakes, and be their own self instead of shoving them into a select few tropes), the latter because I keep returning to them. Nothing grand about the MEA cast because most of my ideas are closer to slice-of-life things, but boy is CoD's dynamics fun to play around. The international politics. The implications of the different factions in mw19. The composition of the two PMCs in mw2. I know a lot of people try to stay on top of the politics, but why sanitise things when leaning hardcore into the political aspect makes the sandbox so much more interesting and dramatic?

I can go on for much longer, but what I have in mind will probably take days if not weeks to comb through. Anyways, hope I've answered your question, and feel free to ask any follow-up questions if you have any!

[currentshift]

This is technically a repost but its been a while and I found no one last time, soooo.

Quicknotes

Don’t interact with me if you’re a minor. I’m an adult. I have zero interest in chatting up kids, especially in private. 

I’m spiritual kin. I’m only looking for other spiritual kin. I don't care what you are, if you share a source and find me tolerable, come at me, brah. Well--okay, one exception: no kin-for-funners.

This is not a fandom post. I'm trying my best not to be indexed into fandom tags.

Since this seems to matter a lot to those on the opposite end of the spectrum (and because I have zero interest making connections of any sort with people I have to walk on eggshells around): I am proship.

I'm secure enough in my personal beliefs to question and scrutinize them. While I believe I was once these blorbos in a different, past life, (alongside general feykin (the kind that will steal your name but keep a promise to the very letter to their own detriment) and therian feline,) I also acknowledge how batshit cray-cray that sounds. I have my mental gymnastics that I'll hold up to the light when the eggheads discover more concrete evidence about the nature of our universe :P

I think about those philosophical and spiritual things for fun when I get bored (which is a lot of the time).

Lastly, I am a roleplayer. It's separate from my kin stuff, duh, collaborative writing is a hobby--but I mix the two (in that I use kin mems as the basis for my portrayals), so if you see someone out there in the wild using any of these as "headcanons," that's prolly me. It's fun to play pretend as some wayward extension of yourself as if you were still them, you know?

What to Expect

If you do decide to say hi? Nothing. Don’t come at me with expectations. While I like to fancy "me" as being a mishmash blend of who I was and who I am, I still am very much who I currently am, for better or for worse.

Kindating or whatever is an automatic no. I'm an ace and a goblin anyway.

I should also make it very clear that I am bad at keeping in touch. Unless you make it a point to throw me memes or funnies or whatever every now and then until I warm up enough to feel like I can do the same without it annoying you, we probably won't be in contact for very long, if at all.

My Kinlist Obscured By / /s To Avoid Being Indexed

Although I've not obscured the tags so it's pointless. Oh well! Ma/ /jora   (as of 2023 this one may well simply be a soulbond as I first thought) The Moon incident was a display of blasphemy against the Fie/ /rce De/ /ity. His was the Moon; mine was the Sun. But, you know, bringing down the Sun would have made things a bit too quick, and that’s no fun.   I viewed the Oni as a frienemy.   The manga’s pre-story just feels right.   I had experience with the Twili at some point. They used me/my mask to curse Ikana after some treaty or arrangement fell through, lol. This led to them getting banned banished from Termina.

Maj/ /Ora? We were troublesome forest spirits, then minor Twin Deities, that went batshit bonkers when some Goddess started encroaching and inadvertently, probably, stealing our followers(, we were often bad for their health, I guess). We were forced to become "one" when we were sealed away in that Mask by the Fierce Deity who shared a similar fate. :). We're still one in this life, I'm pretty sure. This could stand as a flimsy-whimsy explanation for why I've always felt like I should've have a twin.

Xu/ /e Ya/ /ng   I had a set of blue-black glass vials that were probably not vials but that’s the only word I can think of to call them, do you think I know my glassware? They had etched-white designs near the top and were used to hold powdered herbs and poisons. Probably originated from a different country by trade. Then again, potatoes.   I discovered the Mo Xua/ /nyu of my timeline stuffed his pants to make himself look bigger in certain areas, or to make himself look like he had one, at all. I don’t know which.   The only clear memory I have of Xi/ /ao Xin/ /gchen is from our time in Y/ /i Ci/ /ty. Sunny day, the ruins of an old dock in the middle of a somewhat swampy forested area that had been a lake a long-ass time prior given the, you know, dock. He was laughing at something.

Ga/ /ster   I distinctly remember rigging the microwave, coffee maker, and so on to explode or malfunction in order to observe how Al/ /phys and Sa/ /ns reacted to that kind of thing. If the song I listened to during one of my rare post-fix hallucinations is to be believed (and I have little else to go off of, so sure, why not) then my goal near the end and prior to erasure from my timeline was to Break Everything, Universally Speaking. I can only assume I went off the rails in my old age. Which in turn makes me think the Followers may have been a mystery science cult akin to Pythagoreanism that turned Jonestown. Or perhaps maybe not so Jonestown. Who knows. Ga/ /ster 2 I made a shitty for-fun AU of which I've been fleshing out on its roleplay-oriented blog for the sole purpose of fucknasty porn and all signs point to it from mental images that bear the same impression as any other kin mems to tarot cards to external inquiries.

Sn/ /ake Fr/ /uit I was a Chocobra that attained Cookie form via transformation magic and logic dictates that if that is possible, then so was becoming a Dragon. Lon/ /gan may or may not have annihilated my village and that may or may not have been a big reason for trying to get rid of them, and that incident may or may not have sparked the wanting to become a Dragon ordeal to begin with.

What / Who I’m Looking For

Canonmates, sourcemates, whatever. Kin twins are more than cool, too! Sometimes preferable! Let’s gush over our best boys and beloatheds like the hopeless fucks we are!

The Fi/ /erce De/ /ity, just in general, especially if you’re down for online boardgames.

If you remember those vials? If you remember confiscating those vials? Hi.

If you remember a microwave just fucking exploding in your face? Hi.

Lon/ /gan - I challenge you to a duel to the death in an online boardgame or something.

MD/ /ZS and CR/ /OB kins in particular, if you're uncomfortable with certain ships (Xu/ /eXi/ /ao and whatever the shipname for Lon/ /gan and Sn/ /ake is) it's best you stay away or say as much so I don't expose you to my fluffy as fuck fanatrocities 🤷‍♀️

Methods of Contact

We are already on tumblr. Slide into my DMs. If we’re gucci I can slide you my Discord or something - is what I would say if I were ever on Discord anymore. I'm back on Discord, but I also have instagram. And Deviantart. E-mail's a classic. Or uhh... I can slide you my texting app number, I guess? I can't take or make calls though. I mean technically I can but last time I tried it wouldn't pick up my voice, and also I have sixty free minutes and have to watch advertisements to get more and I don't wanna.

[fairyoftbz]

lavande | l. hyunjae

🥡 pairing: crush!hyunjae x fem!reader 🥡 wc: 3.2k 🥡 genre: fluff, university au, slice of life 🥡 tw: none? i think? 🥡 synopsis: as you are talking to Chanhee, your crush appears in the lecture room, leaving you with a hammering heart. 🥡 a/n: it's already Monday again, so posting time!! i wrote this because i kinda miss uni without covid, I had such a good time back in 2019 😩 feedback is always appreciated!! <33 🥡 requested: yes, thank you! i hope it's good enough!!

╰☆☆☆☆╮

“Have you done the readings we were supposed to?” Chanhee whispered in your ear as you turned on your computer, the screen remaining black made you frown as you quickly glanced at your friend, hand deep in your backpack to find your charger.

“Wait, let me guess. With the abandoned puppy eyes you're giving me, you want me to summarise what this was about, am I right?"

“Please Y/N, I didn't have time this week, it has been so hectic! I promise I'll buy you a coffee," you waved your hand in front of your face to let him know that he didn't need to, and you leaned your arm under the table to look for a plug while summarising what you had understood to your friend.

He listened intently until his eyes looked over your head, a smirk forming on his mouth. You frowned for a split second but continued your explanation, noticing that the smile didn't want to leave Chanhee's face. You deeply sighed, trying to make your friend pay attention, but it was to no avail. He was busy looking at something else.

“Are you listening to me, or am I talking to my computer?” you asked, and your friend returned your attention to you, his puppy look made you shake your head and roll your eyes. He looked behind you one last time, and you turned around in frustration, your breath getting stuck in your throat as you discovered what was amusing Chanhee so much.

You did a double-take when you noticed the man standing at the entrance, your pulse quickening as your hands became sweaty and hot. Every student around you, including Chanhee holding your arm to hear the rest of your explanation, disappeared from your field of view. You only had eyes for the one who stole your heart without realising it.

Hyunjae pushed the lecture door open and held it out for the group following him, politely nodding at the blushing girl that thanked him. He pursed his lips and scanned the auditorium, trying to find a familiar face to sit next to. The air was stuffy and odorous, the young man cursing the caretakers for not ventilate it more often as he was almost sweating because of his outfit. His white turtleneck and pants, as well as the lavender sweater, were thick enough for him to be warm to walk from his apartment since it was still quite chilly in the morning, but he felt like he was wearing winter clothes in the middle of a heatwave when he entered this room.

“Wow,” you murmured under your breath and looked down on your phone, trying to hide your attraction for him from your friends around you, your right hand holding your head up, hiding your eyes at the same time. You heard Chanhee mockingly exhale through his nose as he noticed you munching on your bottom lip, a habit of yours he had caught a glimpse of you doing when you were stressed or embarrassed. In this current case, you were both.

Tugging on the collar of his white turtleneck, Hyunjae sighed in annoyance as he walked down the first few steps. Cursing himself for arriving so late, he sighed as the only remaining seats were in the first few rows, where he had almost 99% of the chance of getting chosen by the professor to answer a question. He dropped his bag from his shoulder onto the table as he looked at the rows again, his eyes immediately discerning the funny stickers at the back of your computer.

“It won’t hurt anyone if I just check where he is,” you thought, but it was probably the worst idea you’ve ever had because your eyes met his dark, chocolate ones, his eyebrows lifting in relief when he recognised other familiar faces in your row.

“Y/N, you’re drooling, be careful,” your friend Chanhee whispered in your ear, teasing as you looked away from Hyunjae and wiped your mouth as quickly as possible, warmth flooding your veins as you keep your finger pressed on the power button of your computer. Your best friend laughed at your antics, but you turned a blind eye to him and mentally cursed yourself for not being as wary as you thought you were.

“Idiot, how could you be discreet if you made direct eye contact with him?” You shook your head at this thought and took a deep breath, inwardly praying that he would sit far from you as you mindlessly scrolled down through your notes.

“Hyunjae, over here!” Sunwoo stood up and raised his deep voice over all the hubbub of the auditorium, pointing at the empty spot between you and Chanhee. It was reserved for Eric who was running late, but you noticed the vacant seat next to Sunwoo and whined. You swore that the rest of the row was packed when you arrived, but it looked like a spot magically freed itself when Hyunjae appeared. It was as if your friends had planned this behind your back.

“Can I sit here?” A gentle, deep voice said, and you looked up. Much to your dismay, it was Hyunjae. “Uh, s-sure,” you stumbled on your sentence as if it were your first time speaking, closing your eyes and inner face palmed yourself at the mess you had just become in a matter of seconds.

You gathered your belongings and held them against your chest as you stood up and sat next to Chanhee, giving your crush your now empty spot. Placing your bag on the floor, you turned your head to the right and stared at your friends, only to find them laughing and bickering together. Changmin was imitating your bashful answer, and Sunwoo’s smug grin painted on his face as he cheekily winked at you, everything confirming your doubts that this situation was one of their playful plans. You sighed in exasperation and typed the title of your notes on a new document as if the entire situation weren’t bothering you.

“Thanks,” Hyunjae said as he sat down, and your heart skipped a beat when you heard his gorgeous voice that caused the hairs on your arms to stand up. His smile made him ten times more attractive, and your heart seemed to struggle to cope with his beauty.

You tried your best to ignore your crush’s presence on your left as you typed down your notes at high speed, but it was harder than you thought. He was close, too close for you to function properly and pay attention to the lecture, his presence and cologne distracting you. There were times where you could feel his gaze on you when you were typing or taking a sip of water, your hands immediately tensing and jolting under the pressure of his aura.

As the lecture finally finished, you quickly packed up your stuff and zipped your backpack before putting it on your shoulders. You didn’t even bother saying goodbye to your friends as you stood in your seat and jumped on the table of the higher row behind you to escape your group. Kevin tried to hail you by calling your name, but you were quick to pace towards the exit and vanish into the mass of the crowd.

You almost reached the library, your safe area where you always sought comfort and peace when a hand gently caught your wrist, your eyes immediately drawn to the familiar lavender knitted sleeve. You breathed heavily at the warmth of the slender hand, and you turned around to face none other than your crush.

“Gosh, you were walking so fast,” he chuckled as he finally got you, his hold still wrapped around your wrist blasting electricity through your veins. The contact felt pleasant, yet it felt so wrong to be this close to him. “I wanted to ask you something before the lecture ended, but you disappeared,” Hyunjae smiled as his cheeks became the prettiest shade of pink you had ever seen. You shyly smiled, muttering a soft apology, and you frowned, not letting him time to say another word.

He opened his mouth to say something when you drew him behind one of the colossal pillars holding up the second floor as you saw Chanhee’s bleached hair peeking out from an opened auditorium door, spying on you two. Hyunjae looked confused but let you drag him anyway.

“Sorry, what were you saying?” You tried to look unbothered, but your fidgeting hands betrayed you, making your crush smile. “Hum yeah, I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch with me today?” he asked, looking straight into your eyes, a big, bashful smile decorating his face. "I know a good café not too far from college, so I was wondering if-” “S-sure, why not?” you blurted out, and you heard muffled laughs coming from behind Hyunjae.

You both peeked out and noticed your friends piled up on top of each other, trying to listen to the conversation you were having with your crush. You sighed and shook your head in annoyance, tired of the lack of privacy your love life was experiencing every day because of them, Eric laughing even louder for getting caught eavesdropping like that.

A hand landed on your shoulder, and you felt a breath near your ear, making your heart skip a few beats in a row.

“Let’s go before they follow us, okay?” you glanced at Hyunjae, and he looked at you with something in his eyes that made your chest tighten, making the process of breathing troublesome. He grinned at your state and innocently grabbed your clammy hand as you two sped off towards the exit and ran past your friends into the mob.

As you slowed down in the streets, trying to look as civil as possible, you readjusted your backpack strap and caught your breath while laughing, Hyunjae smiling as brightly as you did. He found your laugh so pretty and light-hearted, he felt internally lucky to be part of the reason for it. You went down to the end of the street, still walking close to him, and he paused in front of a takeaway place. Holding the door for you, you shyly thanked him and entered the restaurant, the smell of Chinese food making your stomach grumble in hunger.

“Choose whatever you want, it’s on me,” you turned around and immediately backed up a bit, startled by the proximity of you two. Hyunjae only smiled, and you turned your attention back to the food. “Really?” you asked, and he snickered at your shocked state, nodding with a soft smile on his face. "Gosh, I am so hungry,” you muttered under your breath as your eyes roamed on the menu above your heads, heavily breathing as you were still trying to catch your breath back from the sprint you had just run to escape from your foolish friends.

Relief rushed through your veins when he took the reins and ordered for the two of you, your mouth uttering thank-yous like a mantra, only to have your crush waving it off.

“Y/N, it’s okay, don’t worry about it!” he said, and you stopped to look at him, Hyunjae beaming at you while grabbing the paper bag with your steamy food at the bottom. You quickly seized some napkins and disposable utensils and walked back to Hyunjae, who was already outside, waiting for you. “So, where are we going now?” he said, and you shrugged, looking around you, not knowing anything only outside from the library. “I know a good place, it’s not far from here,” you vaguely pointed to your right, and Hyunjae immediately started walking. “Let’s go before the food gets cold!” he exclaimed and let you take the lead.

It was a small park hidden a few streets away from your university, meeting other students since there was another park inside the campus. Bowing down to pat the grass a few meters away from the artificial pond, you sat down as it was dry, but Hyunjae handed you the food and took out his folded waterproof jacket from his bag. Placing it on the ground, he gestured you to come and sit with him.

“Here, come sit with me, you’ll be more comfortable,” he said, and you obeyed, your knees touching as you set the paper bag down next to you and handed him his food and drink. Your proximity didn’t leave you indifferent, but you tried your best to hide it as much as possible.

Hyunjae noticed your little change of behaviour and found you adorable when you looked away at each of his compliments. Your arms were now touching since his jacket underneath you wasn’t a picnic tablecloth, and you were slowly getting used to his body warmth surrounding you.

As the lunch break went by, you talked about your respective majors, and you joked about the shared lecture of this morning, getting closer and closer to each other. He was kind-hearted and became more comfortable when you were alone, gently nudging you in the elbow when you were about to lift your chopsticks to your mouth, the noodles falling back into your bowl. Wiping your mouth with a napkin, you were quick to nudge him back and laugh, still careful not to stain any of his clothes.

“You… look really nice today. I like those colours on you,” you complimented him, and he smiled at your hesitant voice, taking a sip of soda before answering. “Thank you Y/N, I appreciate it,” you nodded and started chewing on your bottom lip, eyes divagating towards the pond surrounded by plants and flowers. “You look really pretty as well,” he whispered in your ear, and you froze at his words, your heart skipping a beat as he had seized the opportunity of you letting your guard down as you were paying attention to the pond. You offered him a soft smile and took a sip of your drink as well to try and calm your racing heart.

He kept playing with it since he was having fun by making you embarrassed and shy with his compliments and proximity. Hyunjae knew that it was working despite your never-ending tries of hiding it, and he felt proud to have this effect on you. Although it was hard for him to see you chew on your lip like that, he had to force himself not to cup your face and tell you to stop, because he was really tempted to do so. However, when you started scratching your lip with your fingers, that’s when he grabbed your pitiless hand and held it in his.

“Hey, don’t do that,” he said and grabbed a napkin to dab the blood coming out of the little cuts on your bottom lip you had caused out of nervosity.

You guiltily avoided his eyes and searched for your lip balm in your bag before quickly applying some. The temptation of starting again was real when your hand was still cradled in his, your crush not giving a single sign of him being ready to let go of it. Alternatively, he rubbed his thumb over your knuckles as you both observed the pond and the people chilling around you.

Much to your dismay, your little romantic moment was interrupted by the church clock striking thirteen times, announcing 1 PM. You both didn’t pay attention at first, but it was when you couldn’t see a single student around you that you realised something.

“Oh god, Statistics! We have statistics in less than fifteen minutes,” you hurriedly said as you jumped on your feet, placing all your trash in the paper bag. “Oh shit!” Hyunjae imitated you and grabbed the bag from you, jogging to the trash can on the other side of the pond while you grabbed your belongings and quickly folded his jacket. He thanked you, and you left in a rush, under the confused eyes of your neighbours.

Even if it wasn’t too far from your college, you still jumped in the bus that was about to drive off from the stop right outside the park, the doors closing right behind Hyunjae. You sighed in relief as you both made it, and you tightly grabbed the metallic bar as the bus sped uphill.

“I’m glad this bus was here, I don’t think I could’ve walked back up there after our lunch,” you smiled at his words, his hand holding the bar above your heads, his lavender sweater going high enough for you to see his black Gucci belt keeping his turtleneck tucked in his pants. “I don’t know who had this marvellous idea of building the university on top of a hill,” you sarcastically mumbled and pressed the button next to your head as the screen announced the stop.

Hyunjae was the first to jump off the vehicle, grabbing your hand as you were quick to imitate him, the mass of students behind you forcing you out. Your crush followed you like a lost puppy through the different staircases and corridors, your great sense of orientation leading you quickly to the auditorium you were almost late to. You were out of breath when you finally arrived there, right before the clock struck 1:15 PM.

Surprisingly, the rows were practically empty, but you instantly spotted your friends in the middle, some of them still eating while the others were laughing or reading together. Hyunjae grabbed your hand for the nth time today, slowly getting used to this new feeling, and you dragged him towards them, but he resisted.

You looked at him, his eyes scanned the auditorium just like he did this morning and looked back at you with a smile before gesturing over a good spot, a bit higher and further away from your friends. Changmin, with his eagle eye, was quick to notice Hyunjae's lavender sweater and warned your friends, all turning around to observe you and your crush sitting together. Chanhee gasped as he quickly saw you holding hands, gossiping about it to his hyungs. Juyeon just shrugged, unbothered by the situation as he cracked his fingers and neck, getting ready to type.

You noticed your friends smirking at you and hid your head behind your computer screen, Eric leaning back in the vacant seats just enough for him to appear in the corner of your eye, his mouth transforming into a pout to mimic a kiss. You rolled your eyes and groaned, offering him a disapproving look, your antics sending him in a fit of giggles.

Hyunjae smiled at you before looking at your friends, who cooed and loudly gagged when he grabbed your hand and lifted it for them to see. You didn’t know what to do with yourself, embarrassment taking over your body as your friends cheered, drawing attention towards you and your crush, the latter replacing your linked hands on his lap, under the table.

“Why would you do that?” you dared to ask, and you shouldn’t have, your voice breaking mid-sentence made your crush giggle. “Let them be, they’re just happy that their best friend is getting out of their comfort zone. Plus, you look cute when you are flustered,” he said, and the professor started talking, preventing you from answering him.

He just sat there with a satisfied smile on your face, while you were trying not to pass out here and there with your heart beating this fast.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi Steph! I am sorry to hear you are struggling with the heat and anxiety. I can't really help with the anxiety, but as someone who grew up in a temperate northern climate then moved to Florida, I do have quite a bit of experience dealing with heat, sweating, and dehydration. Ever wondered why they call it Gatorade? Because it was developed at the University of Florida for sports teams and the mascot there is the (alli)gator. Anyway, if you'd like my unsolicited advice: 1. Look for LyteShow electrolyte solution. You can order it from Amazon. It is a concentrated salt solution that you add to water. It has no flavor so I usually add a splash of Gatorade to mask the tartness. LyteShow is expensive but it was a game changer for me. 2. Use a bathroom scale to figure out how much water weight you lost during a work out. That way you can tell how much you have to replace, because if you over hydrate, that will make you feel crummy too. 3. Unfortunately, your body needs to acclimate to the heat. If it is rarely very hot where you live, it might always be a struggle. But if you've just moved to Alabama, just be easy on yourself for a few months. I hope this helps. Keep enjoying the outdoors and thanks for being awesome!

(referencing this post)

Hi Lovely!

OMG I had no idea about the history of Gatorade, that's kinda cute, hahhaah!

In response to your advice:

Okay, that's good to know!! I'll keep that in my back pocket!!

I don't have a bathroom scale because weighing myself causes me to spiral into disordered eating, so I decided for my health I have to first ensure my eating is stable (I'm working with a nutritionist for this) and then learn to not be affected by a number on the scale.

Funnily enough, I live in north-eastern Ontario, Canada, and the problem we have here is 1: our area is surrounded by a very large valley, so once the heat comes, it STAYS ALL SUMMER; and 2. It's the goddamned humidity... it was a bit more bearable when I lived in north-western Ontario on a Lake, the temperature felt a bit more normal, and I grew up with that and got used to it. When we moved to the Southern Ontario, THAT took a lot of adjustment – it was either asscrack hot or buttfuck cold, no in-betweens, and I suffered a lot more heat strokes when I lived there. When I moved to my current location, it was trying to get used to the humidity. 28˚C here often feels like 35˚C on a "nice" day, and it's easy to forget to keep hydrated. Truly, I have gotten used to it since I've lived here over a decade now, and USUALLY don't have this issue, but two years of rarely leaving home, and trying to get out of my funk to FINALLY start distance walking again rather than little half-hour jaunts, and I just... pushed too hard, heh.

Thank you so much for your advice! It's appreciated!! <3

[bondsmagii]

what's up ratthew! I remember reading about your posts about your university days and wanted to know if you have any tips for surviving uni. I'll be starting my three years of soc communications and am absolutely shitting myself at the thought but also so so happy.

holy FUCK man congrats first of all but I'm gonna be honest with you... I am probably not the best role model for uni life 😂 I had a miserable time at uni, and to be honest I'm trying to get myself back into uni so I can do another degree and actually have fun with it/work to my own standards this time. it was a total washout and while I have some good memories I ovwrwhelmingly suffered and died over and over every day for four years so like... 😬 you know?

anyway that disclaimer aside I do have some tips I've picked up, though a few might be a little niche thanks to the circumstances I picked them up in.

first of all: please let go of any expectations. there's a whole culture around what Uni Is Supposed To Be Like and let me tell you what... you come down hard with a bump if you're not prepared to do some romanticising. that's not to say there won't be moments, but try to have realistic expectations.

meet any housemates/roommates as soon as possible. get talking to them. try to go out for drinks or food together during the first week. you don't have to be best friends but you are going to be living together for a year so you might as well try to get along.

if your housemates turn out to be dicks don't take any shit. like obviously don't cause any trouble that you don't want to deal with but also don't let them dictate how the whole house goes. see above point. you only have to put up with them for a year. you can be a little evil, as a treat.

get involved with some clubs and societies. hands down all my best uni memories are because of the clubs I was in. it's some good craic and if you ever get on any administrative level it looks good when you apply for jobs/further education.

try to keep some sort of schedule, even if it's "study [x] for two hours every Tuesday" or whatever. doing a little bit of something throughout the term is way better than cramming at the end, trust me.

use the uni resources. make bold and constant use of the library, online collections, etc. you are paying for that shit so get your money's worth.

don't book any classes before 10am. you won't go. it's not physically possible. (if anyone reading this managed this feat, no you didn't and also I'm denouncing you before the committee for bourgeoise depravities.)

please god do you readings before classes. you might think you'll get away with it and maybe you will, at first, but one day EVERYONE is going to have the same "well everyone else will have done it so I can just coast" thought and all 12 of you will not do the reading and your tutor will tell you there's no point in continuing and send you all home and you'd think unplanned time off would be a treat but in fact the shame will be excruciating. just do the reading.

budget well for food but don't think you have to eat like shit all the time. you need good food to concentrate and to be happy so make sure you're not living on instant noodles plain every single day. bulk cook nice things, make time to cook, have a treat every now and then, whatever works. just don't buy into the myth that all students have to put utter crap in their bodies.

go a bit nuts. uni is a fantastic time for trying out new everything: names, aesthetics, hobbies, interests, outlooks, etc. embrace it. it's a lot of fun and lots of people are doing it, so the energy is wild.

if you hear anything strange calling your name from the forest behind your house, just leave it. (this may be specific to me.)

romanticise the shit out of whatever you want tbh

again, don't forget to have fun and go nuts. sincerely. uni is made for going a bit nuts.

try to do some studying every so often but as my degree proves, this is optional.

have fun and good luck!