#anyway I'm gonna try to sleep now that i can take my meds

[disillusionedjudge]

((not me wanting to do a revenant au

[izzy-b-hands]

My doctor messaging me at 12:30 in the morning to tell me she wants to do a telehealth visit abt the side effects I'm having with my new Lamotrigine dose (including worse insomnia than my usual insomnia, as u may have guessed lmao) is. something.

[grimandghoulish]

.

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

I keep thinkin please stop fucking w/ my head but rly I think I'm just doin all I can to make it last

[mellybouboulove]

My guardian angel🤍𓆩♡𓆪☁️

Chapter 3

Plot summary: Drug Dealer Ellie Williams X OFC slowburn fic, out of universe and takes place in college, set in the 2000s. Smut content to come.

previous: Chapter 2, next: Chapter 4,

Tags: #wlw #sapphic #drugdealer!ellie #modern!ellie #tlou #slowburn #smut #fluff #tlouau #au #modernau #drugs

Chapter 3

The morning after, I woke up on the couch covered with a blanket. The light was shining through the blinds and the birds were singing, that was my first night of real sleep since a week. Lana who was sleeping on my lap started meowing to make me feed her. I finally got the energy to open my eyes and stand up to give food to my cat. Suddenly I looked around realizing she wasn't here anymore.

A wave of emptiness submerged me. My house is still a mess because I was still too lazy to do anything about it. I took a shower, my head full of questions : Why did she leave without telling anything? Did she even care at all? Am I just another stupid drug addict to her? I guess I'll never know. Anyway, it's not my problem anymore. I have more important things to think about like where to find my opiates. Right now I'm feeling better but I know I couldn't handle another day sober.

I put on another pyjama after getting out of the shower when I heard the door opening. I quickly left the bathroom and ran to the leaving room full of joy. Here she was ; she had 2 bags of groceries in her hands and a big backpack; could this be what I was thinking about ? No, she’s too busy to do this. She probably came to say goodbye.

-Ok so, I saw that the fridge was empty, I bought you eggs, pastas… She started to enumerate what she bought for me and explained that she wanted to stay with me for the weekend. I was right, she was about to stay here for a while. -Thank you so much I don't know what to say Ellie that’s so kind of you, how much do I own you? And why do you want to stay here? I’m not at my best you know.. -Nothing, she said, it’s my pleasure if I can help you. I’m gonna stay here for the week-end and yeah I saw that you’re not at your best. I don’t want to be a passive watcher of your fall, that's also why I want to stay with you.

I was so happy to hear this, I don't know if she would be able to do anything to help me heal but her attention was already enough to make me feel better. She installed  her clothes then we talked about my situation while eating. I explained to her how I was feeling about what happened.

-I'm gonna give you some meds. If I see that you’re about to vomit or you’re shaking or about to faint I’ll give you something. If you’re feeling bad and start thinking too much about it just talk to me. I listened carefully to her instructions and she continued.  -Do you think you'd be able to clean your place with me?

All alone I could never clean all that, I couldn’t even find the motivation to eat but now she’s here I dont know why but it seems effortless. She got up, turned on MTV and dragged me by the arm to the kitchen. I did the dishes as she was throwing out my spoiled groceries that were still in my fridge and placed the new ones she just bought. Then we picked up all the clothes that were around my house then she did a machine while vacuuming and cleaning the dust everywhere. We changed my bedsheets, cleaned the bathroom and even gave a bath to Lana. 

Later, we both felt hungry so we decided to bake pancakes. It was really fun, though we first argued on the measurements of the sugar, she gave up and let me add an extra amount of sugar to make them sweet enough. She was eating the leftovers of dough stuck in the spoons and bowls and as she wanted to give me a taste, she unintentionally put some dough on my face which led to a little -very cliché romcom like- fight of trying to put dough on the other’s face. We were running around the kitchen aisle when she finally caught me and we started to calm down. She wiped the dough I had on my cheeks and forehead with her thumb then we went back to baking. The dough was ready, it was time to bake them on the pan. She was making them flip in the air like a pro which I strangely found very attractive of her. She tried teaching me but I made the pancake fall and the dough that was not cooked yet spilled everywhere. She decided to not let me have control of the pan again for the rest of the recipe and I, instead, took charge of setting the table and doing the dishes we just dirtied. 

We enjoyed our pancakes in front of SpongeBob Squarepants. 

-You were right, the more the sugar, the better. She said.  -Told ya..  -Are you feeling tired or do you wanna go out now ? -No I’m feeling good, what do you have in mind? In reality my head was hurting but I needed to stay occupied.  -I was thinking we could go to the fair maybe? -Ohh yes sounds good for me, let me get ready first.

I took another shower after sweating like a pig with all this cleaning, I got dressed in a skirt, a tight top and my platform boots, put some makeup on then did my hair. In the meantime, Ellie took a shower and got ready too. We got into her car on the way to the fair. The smell of the popcorn, cotton candy and churros filled my nostrils, the sky was dark, the stars and lights from the attractions were lighting us. We decided to go for a ride on the big wheel, we sat next to each other, her arm behind my neck, as we enjoyed the beautiful view from the top. I spotted a thrilling roller coaster. I begged Ellie to go for a ride with me until I had to drag her by her hand. We had a lot of fun, I felt like a kid. 

Then, she decided to play a shooting game that could earn us a big teddy bear. After 3 shots, she finally managed to get the target; we were handed a big green dinosaur plushie. I felt so excited, it kinda looked like a date. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder, violently turning me around; I was a little shaken up and turned with furrowed eyebrows to see the person who was assaulting me when I ended up face to face with Emily. My heartbeat immediately increased, my throat felt as tight as a bow. 

-How dare you step foot at any party, how dare you pretend like nothing happened ? You’re such a pathetic selfish bitch. Do you ever even think about what you did and how much it impacted me ? Going on cute little dates with your stupid girlfriend while Jonathan is dying at the hospital ?? How can you even handle looking at yourself in the mirror? 

I was left speechless, tears started to fill my eyes, my hands were shaky. She was right; I’m so selfish. I’m thinking about this day on repeat all day long but I didn’t even really try to check up on them. After my treatment started to make me feel crazy, I couldn’t focus on anything else than drugs. I guess it was easier than facing my responsibilities and the horrible consequences my actions had on my friends’ lives. I was just looking for something to focus on other than this. Emily has lost her scholarship after not being able to stay in the soccer team due to her injuries. Jonathan was still in a coma, his parents are visiting and praying for him everyday. I’ve been the luckiest out of us three yet I can only think about MY problems, MY addiction, MY guilt. 

After what felt like forever of just standing there, Ellie took me apart in a more quiet area. She handed me a glass of water to try to calm me down. She pulled me into a hug and I let myself cry into her arms. We agreed it was time to go back home. Yet again we were driving to my house, making ourselves comfy on the couch while she reassured and took care of me. The day after we spent a while talking about everything and I understood focusing on drugs was selfish, I need to take action and try to fix what I can; Ellie said she’ll help me with everything and will stay with me all along but once the weekend was over, I quickly came back to reality.

[idontplaytrack]

Birthday baby

Janis ‘Imi’ike x fem! reader(+ big sis Regina & Cady)

Warnings: MDNI, smut. Coarse language, fluff

Reader, Janis, Regina and Cady are in Hawai’i. Read part other parts here <3

“I still cannot believe you did this, Reg.” You glanced at your sister.

“Really? You are in Hawai’i and you’re just saying that?” Regina laughs, “Believe it, enjoy it.”

“Well it’s fucking expensive, that I believe.” You said back, brows raised briefly.

Regina squints at you, “It wasn’t bad at all, y/n. Stop your worrying, please, baby. Wait till you find out where we’re going for Christmas.”

“What?” You looked at her, utterly confused.

She laughs, “Relax, we’re in Hawai’i. Forget about your troubles, have fun. Feel the breeze in your hair, sand in your toes and eat so much Spam Musubi that you can’t even imagine eating any more.”

“Since when did you become an ad for this destination.” Janis snorted, laughing. She sits down next to you, handing you a glass of water. You accepted it, mumbling a ‘thank you’.

“I’m just trying to get her out of her own head. You got better ideas?”

“You all know I do.” Janis shrugs, scoffing.

“I’m gonna stop you right there, ‘Imi’ike.” Regina’s eyes widen for a second as she took a swig of her soda. Cady was happily laying on the couch with her head in Regina's lap, "I think we should go out for lunch. Now that all of us are well-rested."

"Sure!" Janis agrees, Regina did as well.

You blocked a burp and was absolutely not prepared for what happened next. An intense wave of nausea washed over you and you ran to the bathroom to spill your guts. "Well, shit." Regina was shocked. Janis trailed after you to ask how you were doing. "Didn't have to be that disgusted."

"I don't know what the hell that was." You admitted, hearing her walk into the bathroom, "I feel absolutely fine, I swear. Just been bloated and feeling absolutely crazy— oh God. I did not bring any pads."

"We'll go get some, it's alright." She helps you stand up straight. You went to rinse out your mouth after flushing the toilet.

"I wanted to swim." You sulked.

"We'll be here two weeks, we have plenty of time, honey." She says with a chuckle and rubs your back.

"I've never had this happen before." You told her while the two of you walked out.

"Are you okay?" Regina and Cady asked, watching you with concerned eyes.

"Guess so, my period's starting soon I think." You shrug, "I think I'm just gonna go nap for a bit. You guys go ahead and have lunch."

"Are you sure? We'll go grab you the stuff you need first. Let's go to the Target nearby." Cady looked at Regina, then Janis. You only shrugged and headed for your bed, flopping onto the mattress face down.

"I know what she uses, we can go." Janis volunteered.

"Okay, let's." Cady nods, "We'll be back soon." "Alright." Regina acknowledges, "Drive safe."

"I'll be back before you know it, babe." She walks over to you and kissed you on the head. You grumbled, "Okay." You hear them leave right as the fatigue took over and you drifted off to sleep.

When you woke up again, it was a couple hours later. They were back from lunch, and brought you some food from the place they ate at. You spotted the bag on the dining table that they were sat around, chatting away. Janis notices that you were up first, "Hey, feeling any better?"

"A little. Did you get Midol?"

"Sure did." Cady confirms, retrieving the pink and yellow box from a plastic bag, "Here." You took it from her and went to pour yourself a glass of water so you could swallow the pill. "Thanks, you guys."

"Eat something after you take that, okay? The food's still warm."

"I will, Reg. Thanks."

"And later, after the meds have kicked in, we're taking you to the beach because why not? It's gorgeous, you'll love it."

"Would be nice." You nodded in agreement.

————

“You guys are so cute, it’s disgusting.” Regina smirked.

Janis tried not to laugh, but did anyway. “We’ll that’s love for ya, thanks for convincing me to come back here. It’s been much needed.”

“Hey, I’m not all bad.”

“I know that now.” Janis says back quietly.

“Also, it was either get the hell away from Chicago or June hounding on us all summer long.”

“She’s still being difficult?”

“I want to change our numbers and all, but that costs money. She should know to stay away— we’ve made that clear. We shouldn’t have to resort to that.” Regina sighs unintentionally, watching you and Cady build a sandcastle and laughing without a care in the world. “As long as she’s still with Carmelo, we’re not letting her back into our lives. That guy doesn’t give me any good vibes whatsoever.”

The ravenette nods, “I’m with you on that.”

“You don’t wanna join them?” Regina asks her.

“I’m good, had my fun. Now I just want to sit here and take this all in. Things have changed around here.”

Regina looks at her, Janis could feel the blonde’s gaze, curious.

“I mean, obviously. It’s been over ten years since I last came here. But I remember how different it was— a good different. It’s beautiful, but I can tell the harmful effects things like tourism has had on my home. I don’t hate tourists, just those ignorant ones that get too close to wildlife, crushing and destroying the nature. Okay? How many of those have we run into already. Just— never mind.”

“Not never mind. I hear you, the land is important, to you, to your family. To your people. Cady and I didn’t even want to come here, I just wanted y/n to be around so that you and y/n had another pair of eyes to watch out for her.”

“I don’t mind you and Cady being here, you guys understand. You’re her family and Cady’s your girlfriend. She obviously knows what not to do while here unlike those chuckleheads we passed by today.” Janis added on. “It just sucks a little that she got sick just now. But I’m glad she seems better now.”

“PMS can be rough. Though I’ve never actually seen her throw up from the bloat.” Regina revealed, “I guess hormones can make things very unpredictable.”

“Her appetite’s okay, though. At least she’s eating and she’s in the mood to go sightseeing, have some fun.”

“I’m glad.” Regina agrees, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay if I don’t think about my mom and my sister. But let’s face it, I’m sad because I’m here. And I’m reminded of them because I’m here.” Janis admitted, “Therapy this, therapy that. Once I’m back here, I still feel it all over again.”

“That’s…understandable. They’re people that are so important to you.” Regina said, “The reason why I planned this trip was to replace the negative emotions you have related to this place, with positive, happy memories with the one you love.”

“I know, and I really appreciate it.” Janis sighs, “It’s helping and I just need more time here to get used to being here even. But it’s been great. So great. So…thanks.”

Regina flashes her a crooked smile, “She learning Hawaiian?”

“Little bit. I love that she is. She doesn’t have to, but it means a lot even if it’s just basic words and phrases. It’s not easy, I myself am not entirely fluent.”

“That’s cute.” A proper smile forms on her face as she turned to face the front again, “I think we should head back soon, get something to eat.”

“You and Cady can stay longer, no problem. Me and y/n can go back to the hotel first, I’m feeling like cuddling with her for a bit then have dinner.”

“If I catch you fucking—”

“Ugh, no way.” Janis rolled her eyes, “I would never let you know. Besides, she’s not feeling too well. Why the heck would I even think of doing anything like that?”

“I don’t know. It helps with cramps?”

“Shut up.” Janis laughs, standing up and dusting herself off. She approaches you and Cady, “Hey. You wanna head back soon, honey?”

“Yeah. Sure.” You looked up, meeting her eyes. She smiles, then sat down with you. Regina came up to you guys too a minute later and joined in. “It’s so beautiful here, Jan. I love it here.”

“I know.” Janis smiles to herself, “I’m glad I could be here with you. It means the world to me that I get to share this with you.”

You looked at her, giving her a similar smile in response, “Let’s go in a minute, okay?”

“Of course.” She rubs your back, the smile still on her face.

"Hey, did you guys get any chocolate?"

"I did." Janis tells you, "You've been wanting to try those chocolate coated macadamias, so I did get some of those and the ones you usually like."

A few minutes later, you decided you had enough outdoor-time for the day and headed back to the hotel with Janis after saying bye to Cady and Regina. "Wait— you want me to pick up dinner on the way?"

"Sure, whatever sounds good, I guess? We have some stuff we got from Target that we could eat too."

"You mean the bread and the cashew butter? That's a snack." Regina stifles a laugh, "Cads and I will pick up some food on our way back, but if the bread's all she feels like having, that's better than nothing."

You kicked your flip-flops off once you entered the room. Then, it was straight to bed. Janis chuckles at the silliness, "You okay?"

"Why am I sad?" You say, voice unclear since you had your face in the mattress.

"Because...hormones are being mean?" Janis joked, sitting down in the spot next to you. You laughed, rolling over so you could look at her. The more you looked at each other, the more the mood shifted. "You want a kiss?" Janis asks knowingly.

You giggled, nodding.

She bent down and presses her lips to yours. You frowned when she pulled away. Janis chuckles at your expression, "Why are you so cute?"

"I dunno." You shrug.

Her palm rests on your torso, the slight warmth and contact comforting. But it wasn't long before your thoughts took a sinful turn. "Shit." You cursed, shaking your head as if to get rid of them. Her palm began to rub your skin, allowing the heat from it to be felt more obviously. It soothed your cramps somewhat, but it was not helping your...need.

"Hey, Jan. I know Reg told you not to, but could we—"

"Since when do I listen to Regina when it comes to something like making you feel good?” Janis smirked cheekily, “You sure?”

“Yes!” You nodded eagerly, “PMS is making me feel like a feral animal.”

The brunette laughs, the motion of her palm continues. Slowly, it starts to move lower. A harsh exhales comes out from your nostrils in anticipation. At the same time, she leans down and started to kiss you once again. “Shift?” She nudges you lightly, you pushed yourself up so that you were fully on the mattress. Janis follows suit.

“What if they come back—”

“They’re supposed to be next door. Serves them right if they barge in here without even knocking.” Janis smirked, cupping your cheek as her lips move in sync with yours.

“Fuck.” You laughed into her mouth. She squishes your cheek playfully and was then deepening the kiss.

“God, I love it when you cuss.” Janis chuckles lowly, it sends a shock down your spine that travels to the juncture between your legs.

A chuckle escapes your lips, staying connected to hers as you held her face in your hand too.

Janis hands start to undo your jeans’ buttons and pull it down along with your underwear. You lifted your hips and let her do so. Janis says with a laugh, impressed, “Holy shit. You’re soaked.”

You scoffed, “Get used to it. I can never do anything for myself in the apartment. The walls are so fucking thin Regina will hear it in seconds.”

“But we’re alone now.” Her fingers tease your folds skilfully, making you squirm as she’d expected. It didn’t take her long to decide to slip her finger inside you, strongly hooking it up to stimulate your sensitive spot deep inside.

You bite down on your lip, still apprehensive about making noise despite the privacy.

“It’s just us here.”

“I know.” You laughed, “But—”

“It’s fine, they won’t be back too so soon.” She assured.

“Goddamn.” You huffed, a strangled whine comes out of you. Janis smiles, contented, sliding lower, and lower.

“Oh my God—” You cursed, back arching.

“Oh, my God!”

Your eyes snap open, that voice. “Fuck!” You cursed, grabbing a pillow of all things to cover up your bottom half.

“Oh, my God, I thought you were—”

“I’m fine!” You exclaimed, cheeks immediately flushed with a red tint.

“Get out!” Janis yelled, still suspiciously close to you.

“I’m sorry!” She replied in a panic, “Dinner’s on the table. Bye, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry—”

“Stay away.” Janis sighs, exasperated, “Please. Regina’s not going to take this—”

“Take what?”

“Fuck’s sake!” You screeched, running to the bathroom, slamming the door.

Regina cackled, “I knew it. y/n you should totally top her and show her how it’s done.”

“Leave me alone.” You hollered.

“You poked the bear there, George.” Janis shrugs. “Couldn’t you knock?”

“I’m sorry!” Cady apologised again, “I didn’t expect this. She wasn’t feeling well so I thought she’d be asleep and you’d just snuggle with her or something.”

“It’s true, that’s what you told me.” Regina smirked.

“Well it’s now clear that she wanted more, isn’t it? Get out. Go back to your room.” Janis shooed them away, “It’s not like you give her any privacy at home to do anything if she needs to.”

“I don’t judge.” The blonde shrugs, “I may know what she’s doing but I didn’t say she couldn’t satisfy her own needs?”

“G, let’s go.” Cady tugs on her hand, “Good night, bye.”

“Of course.” Regina smiled at Cady, “Let’s go.”

“You’re gonna fuck too, aren’t you?” Janis snorted, trying not to laugh.

“Oh my, God. Guys!” You shrieked, “Seriously?!”

Regina and Cady finally scurried out of the room, leaving you and Janis alone finally. Janis opens the bathroom door without knocking, to check on you.

“I’m…fine.” You exhaled harshly, “Frustrated, and embarrassed but fine.”

“We’re alone now.” She walks in, “I can help you…finish.”

You chuckled, “Well, I— are they really?”

“I don’t wanna know.” Janis says with her brows raised, “What I wanna know, is how I can bring that smile back onto your face. I don’t want you to go to sleep upset tonight, baby.” She walks back to the bed as she speaks to you. “Get out of the toilet.”

————

Her lips wrapped around your sensitive nipple, making you moan aloud. She laughs against your skin, making you whimper. “So cute…” She cooed, “Does that feel good, honey?”

“Yeah.” You nodded quickly, not wanting to piss her off and stop.

Janis’ mouth kept at it, she knew you loved her playing with your tits like that. Sometimes she was confident she could make you unravel just by sucking on them. She wasn’t wrong.

“Sit up.” She says, mouth detaching from you. You didn’t resist, so she just pulls you up by the hand. She sits in front of the headboard, legs apart, telling you to sit in between them, “Come on, baby. Sit here.” Once you sat down, her hand slides down your front, fingers finding its way back inside you, steadily pumping in and out. Her free hand fondles with your tits at the same time, the combination of these gestures quickly sent your head spinning. When her fingers hit a particularly deep spot, your back arched, pushing her fingers even deeper. “Shit.” You cried out. The most intense part of it all, was this new position. This intimacy was causing you to feel insanely shy. Janis was living every single moment of it, doing anything to make you feel good and keep making those sweet, sweet noises for her. When her lips end up behind your ear and trailing down your neck. You lost it, moans becoming obscenely loud, curse words spewing from your lips with no end, her name repeated over and over like a chant as the pleasure build and build to the brink of letting go. You were sweaty from the weather(the humidity, honestly), but you were so far gone, you could only care about chasing your high.

“Oh, yeah. Keep going.” Janis chuckles into your ear, the vibrations sending electric shocks down your back, her encouragement making you cry out her name again along with a ‘fuck, fuck, fuck’ that she adores. Sucking at a spot along your shoulder, Janis leaves a mark, but shit she draws out the loudest moan of the night from you that even startled you.

“You’re so close, aren’t you baby? I feel it…” She purrs, “Soaking the sheets, my hand, you’re throbbing and clenching. I love the way all that feels to me. I bet you’d want to come right now, don’t you, pretty girl?”

You whined, then nearly cried. Licking your lips, you squirmed and yelped when she swatted your pussy. “Fuck— Jan— oh my God!”

Your chest heaved as she did that, then she pressed her thumb down on your clit, you feel the pulsating intensify. A pathetic whimper falls from your lips as she tells you to hold it. Your head falls back on her shoulder, you take a deep breath that was shaky as she removed her thumb, sliding that palm to the side to caress your inner thigh.

“Hold it, my love.” She whispers, kissing your shoulder blade fleetingly, then she was sucking at your neck again in that one spot.

“Fuck…” You panted, whine after whine flies out of your mouth. “Fucking tease.” You grumbled.

“You love it.” She continues massaging that little area of your inner thigh, fingers teasing your clit eventually.

You did love it. Of course she was right.

But it was starting to get unbearable. You could not hold it for much longer. “Please, please— please, I’m gonna c—”

She purposely twisted your nipple between her fingers and it caught you so off guard you actually screamed, “Oh my God— please. I need to come, Jan.”

She hums and you feel her shrug, you took that as your permission to finally let go. But what she does shocked you, the girl was mercilessly rubbing your clit which ignited a different sensation within you that you had no chance of fighting. Unraveling, no— squirting, for the fucking first time in your life, you naturally fall back against her for support as you breathed raggedly, desperately trying to catch your breath. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head when you feel her push her fingers back inside you to help you ride out this crazy high.

“Oh, fuck. That’s it.” She laughs, proud. “That’s it, pretty girl. Such a good girl.”

“I’m gonna come again if you keep talking.”

You could hear the grin in her voice, “Do it, you know you want to. I know you can.”

“You’re crazy. You know that?” You said, words coming out in pants as you entirely relied on her to stay seated.

“Hey.” She chuckles right by your ear again, “Your sister didn’t call me pyro-lez for nothing.”

You wanna talk sinful? This was sinful. Her actions, your noises, your thoughts. Everything about this situation seems so forbidden and ridiculous, it was making you so high on the feeling of chasing your high. Again.

“Come for me, honey.” She smiles, the motion of her fingers growing sloppy once she feels you getting close again. The squelching noises echoed through your ears and the room, making a dizzy smile creep onto your face. “Give me one more.”

You nodded vigorously, “Coming— oh my God— mm— mm, fuck— I—”

Your legs clamped shut on reflex but she held you open, whimpering almost pitifully, tears were brimming in your eyes. You were trying your hardest not to cry. It felt good, so fucking good but did you want to cry? No.

“Fuck yeah.” Janis turned your head to capture your lips into her own, “That was so fucking perfect.”

You laughed, nearly in delirium. “Are you trying to make me not walk at all tomorrow or what?”

“No, but I couldn’t stop so soon once I heard those pretty noises from your mouth.” She smiled, gazing into your eyes lovingly, “You feel okay, though?”

“Yeah, I feel great.” You told her, kissing her back. “Sleepy though. Maybe go easier on me next time.”

“That was so hot, though.” She giggles cheekily, “Can’t believe I made you sq—”

You shushed her, “No, no, no. Do not say anymore of that.”

“Okay.” Janis hums in agreement. She slid away from behind you and let you lie down.

“Wanna take a shower with me?”

“The sheets need to be changed.”

“Oh what an awkward conversation that will be with room service.” Janis chortled, you looked at her horrified.

🏷️Tag list:

@ashecampos @auliisflower @cheesysoup-arlo @frogs00 @ludoesartandstuff @pda128

[moshieee]

Hello! Sorry to bother you, but I'd just like to see if you have a ref sheet for your sona? I'm thinking of making you, Rabid, Dia, and Bun a little animatic. Actually, if I'm gonna be honest, there are a whole lot of ideas for you four in my head rn. Especially when Rabid and Dia posted something about the song "Anything you can do, I can do better." Sorry, I'm rambling. Also, since I think at least Rabid showed something about a mob au for their sona, I've had an idea for more animatics. But anyways, sorry for this ask being really long. Thank you for at least reading this, You make me actually remember to eat, drink, and take my meds when you remind your mutuals, so thx! Also, love your art, very very unique and all I think about when I see your doodles or pieces is ". . . . . smol"

Okie, I'll be taking my leave! Gotta shape-shift back into a rat to go to the vents and continue my endless cycle of ideas and au's. Okay, Bye Bye!!!!!

(Remember to take care of yourself, drink, eat, sleep, [take meds if you need/are prescribed them], and know that you are loved!)

And- *is literally being dragged out bye an Anon* oh! Oki Nighty Night *disappears behind a door and a laundry shoot is heared opening and something is heard being but in* (muffled) Thank you, WEEEEEEEEE-

I thought a little ending that I hope made you laugh would help :]

(I was giggling the whole way though the story, a lovely ending!! Bravo 👏 🌹!!! thank you for the kind words about my style it's something I was insecure about for a long time, and I'm glad I have a positive effect on people's health hehe)

dont ever apologize for asking something, I love getting asks and long asks just means I add the tag #long post

Also oh my goodness that sounds amazing and I would be honored

as for a reference I uhhh I've been trying to make a reference but I keep getting distracted

the only best references I have I have right now is this hair guide I made for Bunsowo that I kept forgetting to share It's a bit out dated now but still close enough

And the l eyes guide I made for Rabid that is now also outdated...

If you just need an image to go off id recommended this one sense it's the most recent

Jeeze I really need to make a reference for my sona. I guess I never expected people to try and draw my stuff so I'm not used to this...

wait what's this?

Those are my lines silly/j

I wish you luck in your creations and make sure to pace yourself so you don't get hurt

Also wait nighty night? Are you supposed to be sleeping? 👁️ 👁️

[ashleywool]

why are menstrual cycles

I began birth control meds a few years ago when my periods went from "tolerable nuisance" to "incapacitating sensory nightmare." I stopped taking BC as of June 8 so they wouldn't interfere with the cortisol testing.

Mind you: I'd had some intermittent spotting when I was on BC, but it was so brief and occasional that I was getting used to not even needing to keep maxipads around anymore, just an "emergency" bundle of pantyliners. I never bled enough to justify even attempting to use a tampon.

Yesterday, for the first time since 2021, I got my FULLLLLL period.

I was JUST beginning to come to terms with having to stay off BC at least through September to fully determine if my current health problems are a result of BC or if Otis (the cyst/tumor/both on my pituitary gland) is the real culprit. I thought, meh, it's annoying to have to wait, but I don't need this medication THAT badly anyway, it'll be a good way to see how my reproductive system calibrates itself--

Y'ALL. I forgot how AWFUL this is.

I forgot what it's like to be able to smell EVERYTHING--and in New York, there's even more of everything. Like, I can wash the dishes in the dark and know when the pot isn't entirely clean because I can smell a trace amount of olive oil. I can be awakened from sleep because I can SMELL the exact moment one of the cats uses the litterbox (the pine litter absorbs the smell almost instantly, which is amazing, but in the 0.2 seconds between the crap leaving their butt and the litter absorbing the smell, I SMELL IT).

I forgot what it's like to feel EVERY SINGLE ATOM that touches my skin and overthink every article of clothing in my closet before I get dressed for the day. Like, I can shave my legs and then FEEL my hair growing back. I put on a face mask in the doctor's office and my lip eczema is lurking right there with a taser like, "hahahaha, you say you care about public safety, but do you really? How much? *taser zap* HOW ABOUT NOW?"

I forgot the LEG CRAMPS--like, why? Yeah, the uterine liner is shedding, what does that even have to do with my legs? My back, fine. But leave my legs alone.

I forgot, most of all, what it's like to just cry at the smallest things. Like, not JUST the things that make sense to be sad/stressed/angry about, but like, I'll open a box of Scotch-Brite pads and then cry because they're all so perfectly positioned in that bag and I'm about to take one out and separate it from its brothers and sisters and they'll never see it again and now I'm so sad I want to jump off a bridge but I can't because my cats will miss me and I could never do that to my parents and--

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP DOING THIS EVERY MONTH until we figure out whether or not the meds that prevented me from having to do this every month are causing MORE harm?

And if they are, then I'll have to...I don't know, stop taking them? Try something different? And if they're not, then I need to do whatever else we need to do in order to prove that the only reasonable next step is LITERAL BRAIN SURGERY LIKE--?!

Ok. I'm gonna go cry into my iced coffee about Scotch-Brite pads. And maybe put on real clothes. Maybe.

[aprincessofthevoid]

The filling that fell out almost a year ago has finally come back to haunt me... could hardly sleep last night cus my face hurt so bad. TWO naproxen didn't even touch the pain. (Tho that's nothing new tbh). Don't want a long aas post clogging up anyone's dash, so rest is under the cut.

Also didn't proof read this super well cus now that I'm not as sore I'm getting sleepy cus I didn't sleep much last night so if it's a Lil choppy I apologize lol.

Over the years, I noticed pain meds never really worked, so I didn't bother with them. The option was to take the max dose, or potentially more to get relief, but doing that consistently was just not something i was down for. But at the dentist for the filling that fell out more recently, dude dipped into multuple syringes of the lidocaine, and had to numb the nerve in the hinge of my jaw for me to not feel him digging around in my face.

Found the same when I had an iud inserted, took meds before as instructed, even brought a joint lmao. As well as going for the discomfort of that giant ass 10g needle stabbed into my cervix, and it did NOTHING... I've got a fairly high pain tolerance, but I stg I had a better time when I had all 4 wisdom teeth removed at once... and those were ALL infected, two were impacted, and when treating said infection, I had a freak reaction to the amoxicillin for the first time in my life... go me...

ANYWAY, shit I tried off Google and how it worked...

Sensitivity toothpaste rubbed into my gums/teeth helped a very short time. Sent the bf for orajel the next morning n honestly it worked about as well as the toothpaste, just for longer.

Also strongly mint?? Like specifically just peppermint antacid in my mouth helped rhe ache?? Apparently it's a thing lol. Honestly was just looking for a distraction from the ache n felt like the minty feeling might help.

Salt water rinse helped a little too. Did a rinse but a VERY gentle swish, better to puff out your cheeks and roll your head back n forth. Kinda burns but it will help kill any infection as long as it's minor.

Had some tea earlier on with sage, lemon balm, clove and rosemary. As all of them have geberal anti inflammatory or anti bacterial properties. Weirdly another tip I found was just a damp black tea bag placed against the affected area, actually felt FANTASTIC but the downside was it made my spit SUPER bitter if I swallowed it, so my option was wanting to gag at how gross it was, or be in pain... and obviously couldn't sleep with it in there cus that would be dangerous. Might try just drinking some black tea or brewing the black tea with the other herbs for some extra kick, no honey sadly but I'll have to deal with the bitterness.

Acetaminophen worked a lot better than the naproxen here. Was told by a Dr for a different pain I was in, that I COULD take them together tho (as in one of each), but since the naproxen didn't seem to do fuck all I'm gonna just do 2x extra strength Acetaminophen. Which also isn't ideal long term, but I CANNOT sleep with the pain I'm in so for a temporary situation I'm just gonna have to drink extra water or sum...

Other option is the T3 I had leftover after my tooth removal, had some ibuprofen too but left those when I moved away from fam. I'd rather take an extra Tylenol than the codeine tbh. Just feels a Lil less harsh on the system.

Fingers crossed the boyfriends work insurance goes thru so I can get this delt with... otherwise I might have to just have to be in pain to give my organs a break from all the drugs 🙃 gonna try my netti pot to hopefully clear any gunk out my sinuses as the ear on that side is a Lil plugged too (tip. Take a deep breath, close mouth, plug nose, and swallow. Works WAY better than plugging your nose and blowing).

[buckyismybicycle]

I don't know how terrible this quality will be on Tumblr, but the higher resolution/original can be found on AO3!

Title: swim for the music that saves you Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers Tags: ShrinkyClinks, Social Media AU, WIP/teaser Summary: It all started when he sent a video singing Happy Birthday to his sister, not knowing that she would post it on her social media.

Now, JBuckyBarnes has millions of followers all hearing his story, following his recovery, listening to him sing. Little does he know, he's going to change the life of one follower in particular.

Steve Rogers, chronically ill and spending most of his days inside, has to live vicariously through others. He longs for adventure, trying new things, feeling the sun on his face. A/N: This fic has been sitting in my drafts for some time now... Thanks to @buckybarnesevents: Alternate June-iverse giving me a little kick, I've decided to post an excerpt/the beginning and the rest of it will come in due course.

“Hiya folks… Well, it was, uh.” The brunette on screen pauses and then smiles sadly. “Alright, you know I can’t lie to you. I wanna say it was fine and dandy, but it was honestly rough. That’s why this video’s a bit late, sorry ‘bout that, by the way. It took longer than I thought it would to edit so I honestly kind of gave up.”

He lays his head in a propped up hand, resting against his piano. 

“So, I got home Sunday afternoon and crashed. I don’t even remember getting into bed. Didn’t sleep through the night, of course. I never do. But! That’s just me, my body’s not a fan of the meds. I was feeling crummy — you know when you’re so hungry you’re nauseous but you can’t eat ‘cause you’re nauseous? Anyway, so that for like, six hours. Finally got to sleep when the sun was risin’ but only managed about an hour or so. You lot haven’t heard Brooklyn traffic.”

Steve can’t help but smirk at that because he has, and he is in fact listening to the god-awful Brooklyn traffic outside his window. He could always move his desk away from the window, but he needs some sort of sunlight from time to time.

The YouTube video plays on his phone while he takes a break from work, stretching and wincing as his joints crack.

“So, it’s like, ten in the mornin’ and I decide I’m gonna get something to eat. Nausea won that round, unfortunately, so by three o'clock I am starving. I was cranky for the whole day, and I don’t wanna make cranky videos for you guys. So, that’s enough rambling from me. My brain’s been a little all over the place so I haven’t written anything in ages, but how about a cover of the best of the best? Thanks for sticking around! Hope you like this one.”

Steve watches as Bucky lifts the cover of his piano and stretches the fingers on his prosthetic. Today, it’s the metal titanium one, with its beautiful plate work and a small Hydra Industries logo on the forearm. 

You gotta swim… Swim for your life

Swim for the music that saves you

When you're not so sure you'll survive

You gotta swim… Swim when it hurts

The whole world is watching

You haven't come this far to fall off the earth

The currents will pull you, away from your love

Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn

Memories like bullets, they fired at me from a gun

Cracking the armor, yeah

I swim for brighter days, despite of the absence of sun

Choking on salt water, I'm not giving in, I swim

You gotta swim… through nights that won't end

Swim for your families, your lovers, your sisters, and brothers and friends

Steve listens to the beautiful voice fill the empty space of his studio apartment, caught up in the soft yet powerful melody. What really hits him are the words, though. 

Bucky’s life is no secret — except maybe his real first name because there’s no parent on this planet that hates their kid that much. Steve doesn’t know exactly how Bucky had started off, but the channel was a newer discovery for Steve. 

Well, there it is. As always, thanks so much for tuning in! Hope you liked the song, and maybe I’ll see you guys next time with something original, huh? Bye!” 

[placesyoucallhome]

okay so where have I been? Actually sick, but for the most part it's all the same sick, all the same sick as I've been since 2020, it just got worse.

ranting under a cut because I'm just venting at this point-

I got covid in like, February of 2020, early early, before doctors even thought covid was in my state early and sure as hell weren't diagnosing it. And to be fair, I didn't even got in, or bother telling anyone, because I thought it was a little headcold, barely coughed, just sniffly and tired, though the lack of taste was... odd. I didn't think anything of it, thought I just lost my sense of smell due to sniffles.

Then I didn't ever get better.

Honestly I thought I was losing my mind, I suddenly was sleeping 14+ hours a day, making dinner was an ordeal because I was exhausting just standing for minutes at a time, I couldn't work, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I didn't connect any dots until months later when my taste finally came back, that that was a symptom, and that for some people it just never gets better.

So for a while that's all I have to work with, there's no relief, no cure. Not until the vaccine anyways, and some people with long covid find relief, symptoms lessening or even going away entirely! I'm one of those, thank fuck, my fatigue lessens enough that I can get part time work again at least. And that's where I'm at for a while. I'm not at where I was before, but man, at least it's something.

Cut to a bit over a month ago, I get another cold, and... I don't recover. I'm shoved right back to where I was in 2020, and now with vertigo enough to make me nauseous at the drop of a hat and brain fog that makes thinking feel like a sisyphusian ordeal, fun! At least it's not loss of taste again. I sort out the veritgo with some supplements, but my fatigue and and the worst brain fog of my life are lingering, and at this point I'm gods damn desperate for this to not be reality for the next handful of years or more. SO. Research.

I try a few options, not much works, not until I stumble on a side blurb somewhere about antihistamines helping. I look some more, some people are completely reset to normal on them! Fuckin I might as well try right? I've never taken claritin I don't have allergies how would I have known?

And it fucking works

It was like night and day after one dose! No brainfog! My energy slowly comes back too! No vertigo! Holy shit!

Except my sinuses are actively killing me. To be fair, my sinuses never actually worked properly, they just don't drain. And now it feels like there is a solid mass of mucus in there that isn't budging, and my throat is raw because it's making me snore on top of that. Cool. cool cool cool. Apparently there's a known issue of antihistamines causing mucus in the sinuses to just not hydrate and essentially gunk up everything.

And that's where I'm at. My choices are- keep taking antihistamines and be able to stay away and think and just deal with the constant sinus migraines (or take sinus meds constantly on top of all that), OR- drop the antihistamines and deal with fatigue and brainfog, I can then consider a low histamine diet. What is a low histamine diet? Fucking torture. It's not even terribly healthy because it cuts out so many nutrients, and you aren't supposed to be on it for more than a month or so at a time, and I'd need to be on it for 6.

What is a low histamine diet? Amongst other things, no spices, no deli/coldcut meats, no spinach, no tomatoes, no cheese, no SOY SAUCE ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I cannot stress how much my diet revolves around tomatoes and soy especially, I wouldn't be allowed anything savory or spiced or fermented for SIX MONTHS.

So it's not looking likely.

So I'm at an impasse, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about it yet. probably ease off the claritin for a while and see if my sinuses recover and try again?

Anyways I had mac and cheese tonight and only cried a little bit.

[chroniclesinlavender]

ENTRY 001: Dreams (Part 1)

Isaiah has an alarming dream.

Transcript below:

[Avlin nłzēwok'un nar īdsēravn aryú pi-lizt'n. Má ēzyi'ōf fl cni-lizt'n. (These are the stories known only to the Seraphim. Let not these events be forgotten.)]

???: [strained] Have to... keep it... together... can't stop... need to s-stay... need to foc... focus... have to keep it togETHEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!

ISAIAH: ...and then everything fades away, and I wake up.

[Chronicles in Lavender. Art & Story by Koishi. ENTRY 001: Dreams (Part 1)]

[December 12, 2019. 3:40 PM]

ISAIAH: My heart's always pounding out of my chest, and I can't sleep for the rest of the night. Every single time, it always goes exactly the same. The same place, the same people... and it never feels like I have any control, or I'm really acting on anything. I'm sorta just... watching it happen, I guess.

DR. GARDNER: Do you feel like the date in which you have the dreams could be significant?

ISAIAH: I dunno, your guess is as good as mine. I just happens every month on the full moon. I don't know why or how, it just does. It's been so consistent that I can anticipate it coming. Sometimes, I would stay up all night from the anxiety, then the minute I fall asleep, they happen anyways. I've always had vivid dreams. They feel so real, and I can control them too. Like, like lucid dreaming. But when these dreams happen, I just feel... powerless. Got a pill I can take for that?

DR. GARDNER: I could, but stepping away from medication, I think this might be related to another significant topic we've yet to come back to? Specifically the topic of Tara? And I know it's uncomfortable, but I think at least addressing it may give a better understanding of these recurring nightmares. I think a lot of the themes you've described to me in your dreams; the lack of control, the sense of urgency, the need to "keep it all together", could all be tied to your trauma regarding your sister's disappearance. A way for your brain to process through the guilt you feel and the grief you're experiencing. Does that sound about right?

ISAIAH: [shrugs]

DR. GARDNER: It's hard, having to go through that. It feels impossible to carry that weight on you all of the time, but it's important to remind yourself that Tara's disappearance is not your fault. It may seem selfish, but some things are out of our control. So it's better to grieve and find a way to move forward. At the end of the day, your own mental health is something that you have to put first, or things like this will keep affecting you. Of course, we can move on if you'd like. How have your exercises been going?

ISAIAH: Oh... uh... I've been trying, and I've been goin outside more, too.

DR. GARDNER: That's good to hear! Tell me more about how that's been working for you.

ISAIAH: [in journal] Log date: 12/19/2019. 4:28 PM. I've just concluded my therapy session for this week. We talked about the usual stuff, depression and meds and self-affirmation. I brought up the dreams, but that ended up leading back to Tara. It's been four years since she disappeared. I've been trying not to think about it. It's jut too much right now. I though by now I'd at least be better about it. That I wouldn't feel so awful. I guess I don't, but I just feel nothing instead. I dunno if that's better or worse. Rather not dwell on all of that now. Either way, I'm hoping that this night'll be over soon. I hate these stupid dreams, it's like a puzzle and I'm missing a billion pieces to it. If I go to bed early, I can at least get the dreams out of the way. Or I'm hoping to. Not much to hope for as of late.

[some time later]

ISAIAH: Yo LiLi.

AMALIAH: Yoooo Isaiah, me and Andre gonna be stayin out for the night. We're hangin w/ some friends.

ISAIAH: Yeah sure, aight. How come you didn't text?

AMALIAH: Cuz I'm drivin? fuck you mean?? And you take, like, hours to text back.

ISAIAH: Yeah yeah nah, good point... Okay, I'll text if I need somethin-

AMALIAH: Whoa hold up, you good cuz? You sound like shit. Still gettin them weird dreams? I know it's a full moon tonight.

ISAIAH: yeah, but I also had therapy today, so I'm like, emotionally-drained.

AMALIAH: Goootcha gotcha. Well if you need me, just text. Aight I gotta watch the road. See you in the mornin, kay?

ISAIAH: Night, LiLi.

ISAIAH: Is anything going to be different? Anything at all? I thought bringing it up at therapy would shed some light on why I keep having these dreams, but of course it all goes back to Tara. I thought I would be fine by now. That I'd find a way to not let what happened mess me up. But I'm still here. Everything around me keeps going, but I'm still here. Still empty... why does it even matter? Maybe this is just it for me... just emptiness and guilt... walking through a haze as life passes me by. I'm so sick of it being this way. I just want something to change... I just want to change.

BUTTERFLY: Why Do You Chase After Me?

ISAIAH: I don't know. I can't remember anymore I've just been... running for so long... Why were you running?

BUTTERFLY: I Was Running From Something As Well, Something Too Hard For Me To Bear. But I Feel As If You Can Help Me Face It.

ISAIAH: How would someone like me be able to help? I'm empty...

BUTTERFLY: You Are Not Empty. You Are An Endless Multitude. And If You Help Me, I Promise To You What You Yearn For The Most.

ISAIAH: ...okay. I can do that.

BUTTERFLY: Then It Is Time For You To Wake Up, Isaiah.

ISAIAH: Something... changed.

[Ēzm̄fl īn-hōn pi-jalzègxa olsl... (To be continued in the next entry...)]

[rosegoldenatlas]

its a weekend and usualy i might stay up later but i got so little sleep last night im just going to bed now.

things were both better and worse today

started out awful

but now im at my usual levels of meh so thats an improvement

ive recently been feeling bad over my ex which is. well its not that new but like its a lot of emotions ive been trying to ignore for a while that are now bubbling up to the surface (i made a few rant posts to try to get them off my chest though)

been lonely and lazy as ever but hey what can you do

although my parents are gone tomorow and i dont have to see them for the next 2 weeks! (though im going to be staying with my aunt and grandparents who. arent much better.)

anyways

im gonna get some sleep

you should get some sleep

hope you have a good day tomorow

stay awesome

Yas sleep my queen.

Well at least it evened out? The optimism in me is trying I swear. *logician takes the stage as per usual* if every day is just a tiny bit better than the last then eventually youll have a nice day or even a good day, that's just math. There will be bad days or bad moments but those don't have to control your entire day. Like when my parents called me fat and unattractive (the words were a little more flowery but still) or when they invalidated my gender presentation and sexuality (thank the gods I'm not out to them yet) There were some good parts of that day too! Like when they said 'the chemicals in the water turn the frogs gay' and 'vaccines cause autism' AND 'the estrogen in processed food is making men gay and feminine??' I had to try so hard not to burst out laughing. And I read a really good fanfic later that day.

Ughhh feelings over Exes suck. Try pinpointing the things you miss about them. For me it was a lot of the physical touch and the reassuring words and the times they would let me rant to them. Then you try to find outlets for those things, I asked my friends if they were okay for hugs and more physical touch, I asked if it was okay go rant to them if they got to rant back, I gave them reassuring words and then so did they. I'm glad that rant posts help you a lot too.

Yass engage in the sin of sloth with me my queen. Its great here.

YOOO THATS GREAT. As for the grandparents and aunts thing uh are they the type to just leave you be more often than not. That's how mine are but idk.

Day isn't gonna be too great. My family is forcing me to go swimming with them while I am sick (I have a really bad cough still but other than that I'm almost better yay) and also on my period (I get really bad cramps, like I can barely walk without pain meds kind) because 'fresh air will make you better!' (It usually makes it worse for me actually). But at least its usually only for three or so hours so not too too bad.

You stay royal your majesty.

[afniel]

Oh this is the worst I've felt in a long-ass time and that's saying a lot. I've had a fever for two days continuously. Food and water hurt to take but obviously I can't just not do that, so I'm suffering and eating mostly baby food, which is the least offensive thing to my shitty body right now. I'm having non-stop fever dreams, sometimes even while I'm nominally awake. I've slept something like 18 hours a day for two days now. I suspect this might be a kidney infection (something something went to use an at-home UTI test strip and couldn't read the results because I can apparently pee highlighter orange if I really put my back into it, thus obliterating the intended result colors) and yes I have talked to a doc, I'm waiting on the labs, and in the meantime we're going with the tried and true method of I Don't Know, Let's Nuke It From Orbit With A Broad Spectrum Antibiotic.

I am gonna take my first round of meds and go sleep some more, y'all, I survived going to pick them up and doing the urinalysis thing, and I am so, so tired. I would have Ubered or something instead of driving but bro that is not an option when you get as carsick as me, and I accidentally found a more comfortable position to sleep in and got some sleep that wasn't just frantically and obsessively trying to do the same task forever and ever and ever (fever dreams are all always this for me). Also Bay Area traffic is slow at this time of day here anyway.

[rebellum]

Ahhh so. Anxious so this will.maybe be a little fragmented.

Too stressed in the past year!!

Graduated with undergrad finally, but can't find a job bc lack of experience + don't speak one of the major languages here + executive dysfunction means I barley apply to jobs + shit job market right now.

Also worried about applying to masters

Also worried about learning language

Also worried about lack of applying to job

Also worried about this book review thing I should do bc it will help me masters.

So many things!!

Boyfriend pointed out "too anxious to focus on one thing. You're disabled*. Go on disability pay so you stop worrying about job and language and just focus on masters, and can apply for jobs when you feel like it with less pressure."

*I'm not sure I'm disabled?

Anyways, sounds good

Told my mum about plan

She was like "ur not disabled you can hold a broom why even apply for a masters if you'd be too disabled to do it. I want to have this convo in person."

Made me even more anxious. Unsure of what to do.

Boyfriend said stuff I forget now that convinced me applying for disability pay is still a really good idea, so I'll do that

But going home today (I'm catsitting for a fortnight) for father's day dinner. Will see mum. Anxious she will try to talk me out of it more. Don't want to talk to her about it. I do things she says bc I don't have a good enough separation from her yet since I still live at home. So know she might be able to convince me to not.

But current plan is to go behind her back. As a teen she was VERY against me going to psychiatrist. Said no point, Dr's don't give psych meds to high-school kids (despite my friend being medicated for BD). Eventually at 17 went behind her back. Got meds almost immediately cause of course Dr is gonna look at 17 year old with multiple near suicide attempts who wanders around in fugue state and hallucinates constantly and think aliens will get them and goes "oh shit yeah you need medication"

Anyways I went behind her back then so I'm gonna do it again now and if I get accepted for disability pay then I'll let her know

But anxious!!! Anxious she'll try to talk to me about it!! And that even if I say I don't want to, she'll try to anyways!! So anxious could barely sleep because body felt stiff. So anxious can't think well. So anxious when this convo happened a couple days ago I ended up almost taking a huge knife to my arm bc not at home don't have small self harm knife and the big one here is the sharpest (ended up not bc the visual of the big knife made me realise Oh I'm Not Okay and then fixed myself a drink to cope instead and talked to my bf). Ahh!

[shdwtouch]

I took a shower and ate and now I'm sleepy 😅 I think I'm gonna take my meds and try to sleep. if I set my alarm for the afternoon that's at least better than waking up at 10 pm lmao wish me luck !

I still need to work on my homework for last week, but I think I'll have enough time if I wake up in the afternoon to work on it and turn it in. heck, I might finish my work for this week too since it's essentially the same thing.

fingers crossed this all works out and I'm not shooting myself in the foot. but then, it's not like I can do much anyway if I'm sleepy so... here's hoping I'll be okay