#anyway I’m rambling it’s almost 5:30am I should sleep

[designernishiki]

god I……love club sunshine so fucking much…………

[notgalaxii]

May I pls ask for a headcanon of when the brothers or undateables are sick and MC looks after them pls

I wroteee guys! Be proud of me! Oh and I'm also super kinda sorta upset because my new manager wants me in at like 5:30am - 1:30pm?? And that's tiring. Oh welllll, thats how it beeee.

Another thing! I kind of wrote a self-indulgent Satan smut but I didn't know if I wanted to post self-indulgent NSFW cause I feel like a HOOEEE so if you're reading this, you should leave a reply letting me know what you think~

Pride

Bold of you to assume Lucifer will willingly stay put in bed to be taken care of

He puts up one of the biggest fights

"MC, I have paperwork to do."

"MC, Lord Diavolo requested me for a meeting."

"Calm your shit, Luci. You know Diavolo would give you the devildoms entire supply of tissues and medicine if he knew you were sick."

After he gets over his fit of needing to do anything and everything, he's quite easy to take care of

Will tell you exactly what he wants, needs, how much it is, and how to get it

Lucifer would probably be more of a medicine person than soup or tea

Definitely gets very fever high and it'll slowly chip at his wall

"Thank you for bringing me my meals, MC. It means so much to me that you'd go out of your way to take care of me. I appreciate you every second of every day."

Sick Lucifer likes it when you run your fingers through his hair, it'll lull him to sleep

Definitely wouldn't mind if you crawled next to him in bed and fell asleep to him, but I feel like if you do it a few times, fever high Luci will get pretty clingy.

"Why didn't you stay with me longer last night, MC? You left me cold."

Greed

You thought Mammon was already clingy?

Sick Mammon is the textbook definition of clingy

And it's even worse because he feels too fucking miserable to put up a fight with his tsundere self so all of his neediness is right there in the open

"MCCCCC Where ya goin!?!? I wasn't done with you yet! The Great Mammon wants to be fed soup."

Whiny. Very whiny. Oh my god so whiny.

"Why do I feel like my head is floatin' away from my body, huh? It's all foggy up here! Make it stooop"

And if you take a few seconds too long to say something,

"Oi! Are ya listenin' to me!? Pay attention, human!"

But will definitely make it up because sick Mammon is ✨lovey✨ Mammon

"I love you, human. Don't forget that, 'kay? I wouldn't let any other dumb little human take care of me like this. I feel like I can trust you."

Sicky Mammon loves soup. He wants the soup to be fed to him every time too.

Will aggressively feed it to himself if you deny him

"Dummy human, don't know what ya missin' out on, yanno!"

Absolutely melts under a n y touch that you give him

Likes it when you rub his chest a lot, it's very soothing

And as per usual, absolutely loves his hair being played with

An ideal night for sick Mammon would be cuddled up to his human with their hand in hair, watching movies and having soup fed to him until he falls asleep

He's a baby, protect him. Please.

Envy

Leviathan is very confused about why you're trying so hard to take care of him

He's holed up in his room all day anyway, what's the difference when he's sick? He can take care of himself!

But oh god when you bring him food and pets, he can't deny how loved it makes him feel

Anime Marathons! Anime Marathons!

Adores being all wrapped up in the blankets with you watching his favorite shows to make him feel better.

Brush his hair out of his face to check his fever. Do it. It'll break him.

Kiss him on the forehead afterwards if you really r e a l l y want to break him

Levi wouldn't care too much what you bring him, but he would like it to be hot to sooth his throat

He can't yell at his game with a sore throat.

Rub his chest and shoulders, it makes him feel like a big boy

Play with his hair that's usually in his face

Wrath

Angy boy is angy

Doesn't get why you're trying to take care of him, he's a big boy

At first he's a little annoyed by the gestures. Satan likes to do things for himself, he wants to feel capable.

If you're romantically involved with him though, he'll be nicer about it

"I don't know why you're bringing me my meals, kitten. I can still walk. Its just a small cold" proceeds to fall into a sneezing fit

When he's in his demon form, his tail sticks straight up when he sneezes-

Y'all gonna make me write an entire headcanon about how they sneeze I fucking swear.

Back on topic, Satan would like to have a book read to him while he's sick. Sometimes his vision gets a lil foggy and his head gets cloudy

Let him lay his head on your lap by the fire place. Run your hands through his hair and read him a novel.

After his initial fit of "fuck you i'm a big boy," he was by far the easiest to take care of

Any time you tell him to take a medicine, eat something, drink something, blow his nose, or get some rest he listens

Well now that he knows you have best intent in mind

And deep deep deep down in his aggressive heart, he kind of enjoys being bossed around by you

Lust

Asmodeus would be almost Mammon levels of whiny

"MC, am I still beautiful even though my nose is runny?"

"MC, I feel too heavy to walk to the bathroom and do my skincare. Can you do it?"

"MMMCCCCC~ come give me cuddles"

"MC! Feed me my medicine~"

On that note, Asmo doesn't care what you bring him as long as you feed it to him

He'll make it sensual as hell too

Will still try to kiss you all the time if you're okay with it

And you bet he'd be like, "You know what would make me feel better?" And definitely try to get in your pants.

Touch him literally anywhere. He won't care if its his face, dick, or left pinky toe. Just give him your love

Cuddle sessions will be a lot more loving.

Don't get me wrong, Asmo cuddle sessions are already very loving and sensual, but when he's siiiick

He's so so so SO soft

Professes his love for you at least once a day

Wants gentle kisses on his forehead, cheeks, and nose

Honestly, Asmo overall just wants to be held, loved, and taken good care of

You wouldn't be allowed to sleep in your room anymore. He wants your attention and care at all times.

Gluttony

How did you even get sick!?

You're h u g e man, and an athlete, you think you'd have more of a tolerance?????

Okay so on the slim chance that Beelzebub is sick

He is sO GOOD about letting you take care of him

You want him to take this medicine when the alarm rings? He'll down it before dismissing it!

You want him to drink this tea you gave him? It's delicious, MC~

Eat the soup? S a y l e s s

No Beel- you have to drink it slowly or else it won't help as much

Okay so he'll struggle a little bit on that part but he will do his best because he loves you and wants to make you proud.

Beelzebub would like it if during your sick cuddles, you laid on top of him while he had his arms around you

You take so much care of him, he wants to feel like he's caring for you too

Fever High Beel is chatty, honestly when you know Beel personally hes chatty anyways but he's worse under a sick spell

Will ask you literally every philosophical question that settles in his brain for at least a second

Some of them are straight up weird though man

"Why is there a D in fridge but not refrigerator?" Is one he has asked m u l t i p l e times.

Beel is a good puppy 💕

Sloth

Like his twin, Belphie is veryyyy easy to take care of when he's sick

He doesn't... Do much so it's not like he's gonna hop out of bed and run away from the medicine

Just opens his mouth with a little "ahh~" sound and drinks or eats whatever you shove in his face

He's moody sick though

Well he's always a little moody but when he's sick he's probably a grumpy ass boy

"Ehh, MC why am I sick again? All I smell is snot" he would huff

Likes to pick at your brain a little bit when he's sick

Just really loves listening to you talk all the time and it keeps him occupied enough when he feels like shit and you're there to go on the cute little rambles he loves

Being groggy helps him sleep better, so expect this beautiful little cowboy to pull you in for some more naps with him~

[katblu42]

I have tossed up whether or not to post this, but I've decided to just go ahead and see how it lands. It is very personal to me, and I'm posting it because today is 2 years since I had to say goodbye.

This is basically a rambling vent that came out after the most traumatic period of my life so far. I needed to write it all down, chronicle it and get it out of my head, and the original destination for it was (my other) fandom.

It is more detailed than the story I posted earlier in the week, but it requires all the same warnings for some pretty unpleasant stuff. Please take heed before continuing.

Warnings for Death Illness Hospital Cancer (Medical) Drugs Medical Procedures CPR

Deep breath Late in 2018 my husband, S, began complaining of a sore throat. He's the kind of male who won't go to the doctor unless he is literally dying. He finally went to his GP in January and was told there was an issue that needed more investigating. He was supposed to go back to the GP in 2 weeks, but we were on holidays then, so he ended up not going back until mid March. GP sent him to a specialist, but the earliest appointment was early April. Consultation, camera down the throat and $400 later the specialist says Cancer - two of them, one in the mouth, one in the throat. Next appointment is the biopsy. By now S has lost almost 20kg because he struggles to eat (and because apparently Cancer can do that to a person anyway). Now there are appointments at the local hospital with the Radiation Therapy Dr, the specialist in Chemotherapy and a dental team (who wanted to take all his back teeth out at first, but changed their minds when they saw where the mouth cancer was, and how hard it was for S to open his mouth wide). During all this I'm still juggling work commitments as we are building up to one of our busiest periods, which covers pretty much the entire month of May. I'm sharing appointment chauffeuring duties with his Dad. It is decided that due to S's weight loss and difficulty eating it is advisable to put a feeding tube (that they call a peg) in his stomach. This is basically a precaution in case he can no longer swallow anything at some point during early treatment. Surgery after Chemotherapy begins will be difficult to recover from. As it turns out the peg is never actually used for feeding S. The first cycle of Chemotherapy begins on Wednesday 8th May. The plan was to do at least 2, probably 3 cycles of Chemo and then begin combination Radiotherapy/Chemo. At first things seem to be going okay. Three medications are administered as part of the Chemo - 2 are done on the Wednesday at the Cancer Clinic, and the third he has to carry around with him for 5 days, returning on Sunday to have the rig removed once that one is done. The peg starts leaking during these 5 days. He is given advice over the phone not to worry about the leak - but I wonder about that advice. I can't be with S all day - work is busy, and he's a grown up who can ask for help if he needs it. Only he's the kind of male who will not make a fuss if he's feeling "not okay". By Tuesday (14th May) S is not feeling much like "eating" - which consists of swallowing soft stuff like milkshakes, jelly (jello), custard and the like - and I basically have to force him to go for a walk around the block with me, just to keep him from lying on the couch all day. (Tuesday is my regular day off). He seems okay, in the "so-so" sense rather than the "fine" sense. He's not particularly nauseous, just a bit Blah. Wednesday - while I'm at work - S stays home all day, which is unusual for him. He is a social butterfly who can't resist going across the road to the Bowling Club just to sit with his mates for a bit. The peg is still leaking, and he feels tired and a bit yuck. By now I have asked him a few times if I should be calling the hospital for advice and he says no - doesn't want to make a fuss. I don't stress too much because he has an appointment at the hospital on Thursday - it's with a Social Worker, but I know that he will be at the hospital, where they will ask him how he's feeling, and if they think he needs something they will take care of him. Thursday comes and he doesn't want to get out of bed. I go to work, telling him to make sure he gets to his appointment, even if he doesn't feel like going. His Dad calls me at lunch time and tells me S didn't go to the appointment. He got in the car, they got down the road, then S told his Dad to just take him home. His Dad tells me S doesn't look good, he thinks S should be in hospital and I wonder why he didn't take S straight there if he was that worried. I get home just after 5pm and S is in bed feeling miserable. I don't get much of a good look at him - the room is dark - but he talks

to me. He's not feeling nauseous, not throwing up, but also not eating or moving much. Over the next few hours he's up and down to the toilet at least once an hour. I ask if he has diarrhoea, because if he does I should take him to hospital. He says no, "not much is coming out". It's after 10pm, Thursday 16th May, when he calls out to me from the bathroom. Something about the way he calls out makes me get straight up to see what's wrong - normally I yell back "what's wrong?" or "just a minute", but this time I think I had an instinct that said something was wrong. I find him sitting on the toilet, slumped forward with his head between his knees. He can talk to me at this point, but I have to help him sit up - he really can't move - and his skin is quite yellow (which alarms me). By the time I have him sitting upright he's not talking to me any more, his eyes are only half open and not blinking and he can't squeeze my hand. I run and get my phone and call an ambulance. Now his breathing is laboured, and as the emergency call taker is asking me to "say now every time he takes a breath" his gasps are getting further apart. I have to get him clumsily onto the floor of our tiny, narrow bathroom and give him chest compressions. 2 ambulances are on their way. Minutes later I have 4 ambulance crew members working on my husband in our tiny bathroom, and I have no idea what is going on. By midnight S is in emergency at the local hospital, and I'm in a private waiting room, alone. I call my Mum - I've already called his Dad on my way to the hospital in my car (they didn't take me in the ambulance). It's about 12:30 when a doctor comes to talk to me. Infection. Kidneys and liver struggling. Blood pressure through the floor. No white blood cells. This is by no means good. By the time I get to see him in Emergency I have my Mum and his Dad with me. S is basically in an induced coma and about to be moved up to ICU. It's about 1:30am. Once he's moved to ICU we wait in another waiting room for more news. A surgical consultant comes and sees us - I think it's nearly 3am - she says surgery is not an option. The infection is in his digestive system. There is no clear area to surgically remove, and his system is so weak it would not take well to surgery anyway. S's Dad leaves soon after that. This is hard for him. It was only 3 years ago that he was here in this very ward with his wife. This is where she passed away after an infection she just could not fight. He tells me "don't let them put him down" - I guess because he had to make that decision for his wife/S's Mum. I think it's after 6:30am when I decide to go to the intercom and buzz the nurses station to find out what's going on. They let us in to see him. All they can tell us is that they are throwing every kind of medical support they can at him in the hope they can help him fight off the infection - blood products, meds to raise the blood pressure, antibiotics. He's been ventilated through a tube in his mouth since the ambulance. They have to run a heating vent to raise his body temperature. They let me into the room, but I see no point in holding his hand or anything - he is unconscious, he won't know I'm there. We go home. I had about 3 hours sleep. By the time I could crawl into bed it was about 8am. By 11am people are starting to text me asking what's going on, checking if I'm okay. I had managed to text my boss about needing to call an ambulance while I was in the emergency waiting room. He's now replied to say I don't need to be at work today, but in the back of my mind is the fact that I have a show to work on, starting on Sunday - we are so busy that there will be no one else who can replace me on this show. (And we had a Federal Election on Saturday as well, so I was going to have to fit voting in around visiting S). At some point on this day a doctor calls me to get permission to administer a drug to S. This drug is not approved for use in Australia, but it is approved in the US. As a result they will have to ship it in from interstate, because there is not much

stock in the country, and I have to sign my permission for them to use it. It is a reversal drug for the 5 day chemo medication. It works best if administered soon after the chemo treatment - we are already past the ideal timeframe, but it is our best shot at helping S. S is unconscious and fighting for the next couple of days, and I'm half dreading that call that says things have taken a turn for the worse, come now! Instead, I see him for a short period each day, but he doesn't know I'm there. And I keep doing the work I have to do - at least this show is close to home for me, and close to the hospital. He is being supported by the blood pressure medication (Noradrenaline) which they are slowly able to reduce in dose, his temperature is stabilising, and the chemo reversal drug has had some positive effect. His white cell count is coming up - probably with the help of the blood products he's been given. By Tuesday 21st May S is awake and aware, and they have been able to remove the ventilator tube. The Physio is concerned about how weak he is - movement in his arms and legs is limited. He is breathing on his own, but it's hard work because his muscles are weak. His lips and mouth have been bleeding a bit around where the tube was. Still, we are seeing slow, small improvements and hoping for the best. On Friday they have to re-insert the breathing tube - he is too weak to maintain his breathing without assistance. This is a set-back, and comes with a warning that the breathing tube can't stay in his mouth/throat for too long, because it can cause all kinds of complications, especially in his compromised state. They tell me that without marked improvement soon they may have to perform a tracheotomy and insert the ventilator there. By this stage they have moved from nasogastric feeding to Parenteral nutrition (intravenously). The peg is still leaking. I'm now getting into a rhythm visiting S when I can for as long as I can around my work hours, and answering enquiries about his health and well wishes from family and friends on both my phone and his. I no longer have rehearsals every night, and the weekend's performances go pretty well. I know he's still critical, but he's stable and despite the set back S seems to be on a path of slight improvement again. The next set-back comes in the form of a flare up of the infection. The gut is still very inflamed - particularly the bowel. More blood products, more antibiotics, Noradrenaline dosage increased again. There is a mention that he probably has a slow internal bleed somewhere. Clotting is a problem - the bleeding in his lips and mouth is evidence of this too. Before I go to my Friday show I have to sign the permission for them to perform the tracheotomy - they've decided it needs to be done, and an emergency surgical team will do it but it could be a day or two before the operation actually goes ahead. Through this entire week S has been awake and aware, communicating with me as best he can around the breathing tube and the bleeding lips, which are scabby and sore. He is still very much alive mentally, still able to laugh at our corny jokes and request the music be turned up! Being in ICU he's not allowed flowers of gifts or anything, but they did allow me to take in a little blue tooth speaker so he could have the radio on all day. I see him as early as visiting hours allow on Saturday 1st June - his 42nd birthday. I have 2 shows on this day, and won't be able to see him again until Sunday. I leave the hospital soon after his Dad and brother arrive for a visit, around 11:30. Around 12:30, while I'm running sound checks for the matinee show, I get a phone call asking me for permission to do the tracheotomy. At first this confuses me - they have permission already. Apparently they are now doing it in ICU, not in the emergency theatre or wherever. He was more drowsy on the Sunday, after the tracheotomy, but still essentially in the same condition - stable. I cried off sick for work on Monday and spent a bit more time with him - I knew I had to be at work on

Tuesday for a morning staff meeting. The hospital social worker called me before I went to visit S, wanting to arrange a "family meeting" for this week some time. At first we settled on Friday morning, but later they asked me if we could arrange a time earlier in the week. After re-arranging my work schedule we agreed on 3pm Tuesday, even though S's Dad would not be able to be there anymore. Then I arrived for my Monday visit with S. We had the radio on - S likes to have music playing, even when he's falling asleep - and the announcers were talking about the State of Origin (a Rugby League series of 3 matches between rival state teams, New South Wales and Queensland). I told him I'd make sure we put the radio on the right station on Wednesday night so he could listen. Suddenly the most important thing in the world for him was finding a way to be able watch the game! I told him I'd find a way. Tuesday comes and I get through my staff meeting and a few other things on my now half day before running back to the hospital for this family meeting. It turns out this is just me, S, his ICU team, his oncology team and the social working re-capping what S has been through so far, and then scaring me (and more so S) by saying out loud the words "Palliative care". Essentially they are telling us we are out of further options. He is being given everything possible to assist recovery - the blood pressure meds are now at a low dose, but they still have to support his blood pressure, he is still on a ventilator to assist his breathing, the infection is still not improving, but it has not got worse, they have run out of different antibiotics to throw at the infection, it still seems the bleed is present, the scabs on his lips are still apt to bleed more than they should if they are disturbed. If his organs start to fail there will be nothing they can do - surgery will more than likely not be an option, and one failure will lead to another until his heart, then brain will go and that will be it. So, if we start to see organ failure palliative care becomes the only option. This is the point at which I am in disbelief. He can't be that bad. He is still totally alive mentally. How can we be discussing "making him comfortable until he dies"? And S is even more disbelieving and scared than me at those words. Yes S has looked better, yes he has spent over 2 and a half weeks in ICU, yes he has a lot more hard fighting to do if he's ever going to beat this, but his brain is fine, he is completely aware of where he is and what's going on around him - just a bit inclined to tire quickly. I stay with him longer than I intend to that night because he starts to complain of stomach pain. It gets worse. Really bad. They give him morphine. He says it doesn't help. His breaths start hitching, like something is stabbing him or something. He finally gives me the description "like hiccoughs, but sore". I can see how swollen his stomach is - fluid retention. And he is also complaining that he wants to lie on his side. We have to wait ages for the right number of people to be available to turn him on his side, to a more comfortable position. But his stomach is still giving him intense pain and whatever spasms are causing the breath hitches and grimaces. I have to leave him like that - in pain, but with the nurse on duty doing whatever he can to ease the discomfort, administering Morphine whenever possible - visiting hours are over and I'm asked to leave. On my way to work on Wednesday morning (5th June) I get a call from the head doctor in S's ICU team. He wants to know what time I can be there today - S has had major abdominal pain since last night (I know, I was there!), and they are investigating the cause, but it looks like the kidneys are failing. He tells me he will update me via text when he knows more, I tell him I will get there as soon as I can after work. I get no texts all day. I get to the hospital around 4:45pm - armed with the all important iPad mini for him to watch the State of Origin game on (yes, that is still a priority for S! God

love him!!). I'm told S has been taken for a scan and I need to come back in about an hour. So, when I return and he's back from the scan, I get the iPad hooked in to the Wifi and open the app he needs. Then I have to have the conference with the doctor. His kidneys have failed. Fluid is building up in his stomach. They want my permission to put a drain directly in his belly to ease the pressure. I give it. I have to wait outside while they get this done. There is a brief discussion about surgery - but that would literally be futile. Again we have the conversation about palliative care. This is the beginning of the end. His body is shutting down. S can't fathom this. He says the words that still break my heart, pointing to his head to indicate his mind he mouths "I'm still alive". He has so much to say, but we can't understand him through the scabs on his lips and his inability to make any real sounds. We try to get him to write things down, but his hands are really too weak. The doctor has asked if he wants to have the pain medication increased so he can slip away peacefully. The sentence he writes is "I just want to see how I go" - he wants so badly to keep fighting. He doesn't want to die. Once the doctor is sure he is comfortable for now he leaves us to watch the game - no S has not forgotten the game! He does not administer the pain medication, but he gives the authorisation for its use once S requests it. And although I had not planned to stay and watch the game (which starts around the time visiting hours end), I do. They let me stay. He nods off a bit during the second half, but I know how much seeing it means to him, so I rouse him for the good bits, and make sure he sees the end - a good result for him, a come-from-behind win for his team. I say my goodnight and leave S to get some sleep. I have told my boss how dire things are, and he has told me I have leave starting now for as long as I need. I get a call around 9:30 on Thursday morning asking me what time I will be getting to the hospital. Apparently S has been asking for me. I had a couple of things to do before I could get there, so I arrive just after 11:30am. S is not as awake and aware as he was last night. They have started giving him the pain medication (Fentanyl) the doctor was talking about, and it has affected S's ability to focus, and therefore communicate. He has apparently been asking what's going on - last night he knew the story, now he's unclear. I wish they had held off on administering the drug. I would have liked to speak to my clear headed husband today. His kidneys have failed, the liver is failing. We are out of options. His Dad and brother are in and out today - we are kind of rotating our breaks until early afternoon. A Palliative Care consultant, and the social worker and the nurse looking after S want to have a meeting with me, and it takes me longer than it should to realise that this meeting is for me to give the final word on the beginning of the end. They are focusing on making sure I am okay with what's about to happen. Making sure I know that I have the final say, and once I give the go ahead they will stop all meds that aren't making him comfortable - the Fentanyl dose will increase, but the feeding, the antibiotics and finally the Noradrenaline will be stopped. It will then be a matter of minutes or hours before he is gone. I know they are trying to be helpful, but having them ask if I'm okay, having them tell me how strong I have been for him and how much of an advocate for him I have been is only making my heart break more. That afternoon, his brother, sister-in-law and their 4 kids, my brother and sister-in-law and 2 of their kids all come in to say their farewells. The Fentanyl dose has already been increased, so S knows they are there, but he is so drowsy it's hard for him to open his eyes. His sister-in-law wants to stay with me. She doesn't seem to understand I need to be alone with S for this. But, at last she gives me space. I'm the one who has to give the green light. It's really hard to do, but I know we

are out of options. As soon as they stop the blood pressure medication (Noradrenaline), S opens his eyes and looks at me. He is as focused as I have seen him all day, his grip on my hand is desperately strong, and I explain to him one final time what is happening, tell him I love him, tell him I'm sorry things turned out this way, sorry for all the things we had planned that we won't get to do together, and tell him it's time to stop fighting and just let go. I try to tell him not to worry about anything or anyone, that it's okay to go. I hope he understands. It must be about 40 minutes before he is unconscious. They stop the ventilator. I turn off the radio - he can't hear it anymore, and he and I have different taste in music! I know he can't feel it anymore, but I won't let go of his hand until he's gone. He holds on for over an hour without the ventilator. Then there are no more breaths. I know he's gone. His hand is already much cooler than it was an hour or so ago. I am a widow. It has happened so fast. It feels strange, but I don't think the full weight has hit me yet. I am bursting into tears at random moments. I am thinking of stupid things like "what am I going to do with all these Fruit Loops - he eats those, not me!", instead of dwelling on the hard things like having a funeral to arrange, and dealing with all the people who keep wanting to do things for me, or stay with me.

That was two years ago now. In excess of 300 people came to his funeral service - a testament to how many friends he made, how many lives he brightened just that little bit with his generous spirit and ever-present smile. Of course, I still miss him. I still have my teary moments. I still struggle with guilt. But I remember his smile, his laugh, the way he would sing along to the music and make up his own words (often to make the song about us), his spontaneous dancing and all the love!

[hiirolangley]

Okay, we’re discussing Maruma ships now so here are some not on the main list yet! + my rambling and disjointed thoughts as they occurred to me. 

So there was the brief Flynn x Yuuri mutual crush thing that happened in Shimaron.  The almost-touch in Big Shimaron when Flynn reaches out to him springs to mind as well as the 'kiss' to knock Yuuri out and their dance at the ball where they just end up holding each other.  Although Yuuri very clearly decides in his brain not to like her in the end and Flynn is like, I'm married to Caloria, there was still a little something there (and it probably partially contributed to how much Wolf hates her XD).  Throwing in my thoughts about this one here... it's kinda ehhhhhhhhhhhhh.....  I mean, Wolfram is one thing because the whole mazoku aging thing, but Flynn is a human in her twenties and Yuuri is sixteen.  It's definitely ehhhhhh..........  I’m not calling the police or anything especially since nothing happened, just giving it a major side-eye.  In any case, this crush is significant because once Yuuri decides in words in his head not to fall in love with her, he stops looking at women altogether.  Name another woman from that point on that he fanboys over like he did all the time prior to meeting Flynn.

Sticking to Flynn, Flynn x Norman were a married couple and they did truly seem to be in love.  Just by how much she fights for her late husband's land and people and talks about how she regrets never having the chance to have his children and how she completely betrayed her family's expectations to infiltrate Norman's family for political fuckery, I think it's pretty obvious.

Also Conrad x Maidmer Princess!!!  How could you forget the most iconic pairing of the entire series!!  XDDD She's the one and only woman Conrad out loud admits to being in love with (although honestly not sure how that worked because they couldn't even have a conversation, but oh well).  The story this came from also gave us many fun moments ranging from Josak trying to set extremely obviously straight Conrad up with a group of crossdressers, Gwendal's mind getting blown like 10x in a row thinking that extremely obviously straight Conrad was sleeping with men (including Josak) but then trying to assure Conrad through his shock that he’ll be okay with it while Conrad freaks out, Gwendal wholeheartedly ready to accept a fish lady as his sister in law, Yuuri accidentally insulting the fuck out of Conrad's room, Conrad being worried that Yuuri was calling him boring for a minute before getting mentally smacked in the face by Yuuri complaining about being rated 88% unfuckable (and Conrad thinking to himself, well yeah of course), and just Conrad's POV in general which is always fun because he is a little shit XDDD  Also I love when he was thinking to himself, I spent the war sleeping with all sorts of women, some of whom were married, and when the war was over people called me a Whore Prince... and then the first complaint he makes about that is along the lines of I’m not a prince, dumbasses.  What a fucking gift to humanity that story was.

Getting off my Crack!otp, there’s Cherie's 3 husbands!  I think volume 5's prologue sums that up best so I’ll just direct people there.

And then, Yuuri’s parents!  Shouma x Miko.  The couple that should not have lasted because they literally went on like 5 dates before Shouma confessed to being a mazoku and Miko was like OMG MARRY ME NOW SO I CAN HAVE MAZOKU BABIES despite thinking he was lame af beforehand... and then they got married XDD  I feel like every time they appear on page together they get into an argument or misunderstanding, but they’re still together so /shrug

That’s all I can think of right now~  

Moving on...

My otp for this series is the royal couple.  How often is my otp the official endgame couple!?  NEVER!  Lord knows I get Second Lead Syndrome on every damn story I read/watch, but for this series I’m not rooting for Conrad.  Way back in my early maruma fangirling days, I liked Yuuram and Conyuu equally because who doesn’t love anyone Morikawa Toshiyuki voices?  I know that could be hard to believe I liked opposing ships the same amount, but that’s an actual thing that happened.  Once I grew up, the Conyuu went away.  That kinda sounds insulting to Conyuu shippers, but it’s not.  Let me explain~  Psychoanalyzing myself, me liking Conyuu was more me being like, Conrad would be the perfect boyfriend! instead of Conrad and Yuuri are great together!, but when I got older I was like, holy hell he would actually be the worst boyfriend after a while no thanks??? XDDDDD  That’s a whoooole other post I probably won’t make~  Anyway, we all have embarrassing college-aged memories whether you attended or not so let’s move on.

Anyway, I know Conyuu is baited all the time and rereading the Maidmer Princess story reminded me that Conrad says looking at Yuuri’s sleeping face gave him the same feeling as looking at the maidmer he fell in love with, but there’s no way that relationship’s gonna pan out canonically.  I feel like I’m playing with fire saying that though o.o

Moving on again, ships I fully support would be:

Yuuri x Wolf

Gwendal x Anissina

Adalbert x Julia (you know, in a posthumous way)

And you know what???  Josak x Murata.  The chaos.  The pure Bisexual Chaos™.  I’m here for that.

Also on the topic of couples!  Let’s talk about Nicola and Hube.  I have feelings here.  Say what you want about Wolfram, at least he’s mentally on the same page as Yuuri.  Gegenhuber is a whole ass man who knocked up a 15/16 year old.  I know they made her older in the anime, but don’t believe those lies!  Do I need to elaborate how he’s gross?  I don’t think so.  BUT, I do like how sensei filtered it through Yuuri’s POV.  (Fyi, I realize the following is partially headcanon) As an also 16yo, this grossness does not cross Yuuri’s mind at all.  In fact, the only thing he remarks on is that he can’t believe she was pregnant and getting married to another man ... but it crosses Gwendal’s.  Adult Gwendal is FURIOUS when he finds out Nicola is pregnant.  He was already mad because he hates Gegenhuber and was getting irritated that he and Nicola were in love/told her he’d use the mateki to help humans, but when he finds out she’s preggers and they totally had sex he loses his shit.  I dunno, it’s like sensei properly communicated that a teenager wouldn’t necessarily recognize the fucked-up nature of a man in his twenties (or the mazoku version of that) starting a relationship with a 15yo and that they also might misinterpret the anger of the older people who do know better.  

And like a cherry on top, Gwen’s anger is solely directed at Gegenhuber, not Nicola.  After this adventure, Gwendal personally takes super good care of Nicola and makes sure she’s set up nicely with the Grisela family and even visits her regularly... and then when Gegenhuber wakes up, Gwendal almost kicks him to death.  Seriously, he literally kicked him so much Anissina had to heal him so he wouldn’t die (and while she was healing him she was like, you’re fucking gross and I wouldn’t care if you dropped dead here, but I kinda have to do this.)  I dunno, I feel like there are so many reasons for people to hate Gegenhuber, I can’t make the claim that this is 100% significantly adding to the hatred.  Would you notice another drop in a bucket?  But this is my opinion on the matter~  Anyway, it’s 1:30am and I need to stop typing!

[sage-nebula]

I love myself. I love being myself. And I would not want to be anyone else.

It’s taken me so long to be able to say those first two things, and sometimes I still struggle, but for the most part it’s true. And I’m still discovering new things about myself all the time. It’s weird, because some things I took forever to discover about myself were things that took forever to discover about myself because I didn’t have access to the resources to help me. Like I didn’t realize that I was asexual until I was twenty-one and stumbled across a Wikipedia article about asexuality. I didn’t realize that I had fallen in love with my best friend until I was pretty much in college, which is ridiculous to me considering I look back on how I only went to our senior prom because I was jealous over the idea of her going to said romantic dance with a mutual friend of ours. They were only going as friends, but I felt strong jealously, like, “She should be going to that dance with me” and somehow did not put two-and-two together that being jealous that another girl was going to a romantic dance with someone else was a very not straight way to feel. (For the record, I was a third wheel basically the entire night even though we were supposed to be a big friend trio and it was no one’s fault but my own. I regret it, but I don’t blame my past self because I was a teenager and, as a teenager, I was well within my rights to do stupid things. It was part of the learning and growing process, and thus there’s no need to shame my past self over it. I’m still astounded that I didn’t realize how very not straight I was at that moment, but still.)

One of the recent things I discovered about myself at nearly twenty-nine is the fact that my preferred fashion style---my fashion style---is, and always has been, pretty grunge. I’ve answered meme questions on here before that ask similar questions, and I’m always like, “idk, comfortable and cool?” because I never knew what to say. And hell, when watching Queer Eye, whenever Tan would ask the champion of the episode who their style icon was, I never had an answer. But after I saw Captain Marvel, I realized that my style icon is Carol Danvers when she was wearing the leather jacket + the Nine Inch Nails shirt + the (ripped?) jeans + the flannel + the boots. You know, the “someone’s disaffected niece” look. I saw online that this was a grunge look. I saw a list of grunge traits. And what I saw was:

Oversized, baggy clothing

Muted colors

Makeup, if worn, is preferably dark and a bit smudged

Ripped jeans

Leather jackets and/or flannels

Converse shoes or Doc Martens boots

Band t-shirts

Messy hair, sometimes dyed bright punky colors

Pretty much all of those bullet points hit things I’ve always had in my own fashion sense. My hatred for skinny jeans is well documented; I’ve always worn baggy jeans, and oversized hoodies and often baggy t-shirts are my jam. I definitely prefer more muted colors (see my favorite shades of blue and green for examples) over very bright ones. Wearing makeup is a pain in the ass, but when I do wear it I wear dark eyeliner that looks a bit smudged due to how I apply it, and eye shadow and lipstick that aren’t very bright. Pretty much every pair of jeans I own is naturally distressed and ripped; my absolute favorite pair, which I’m wearing as I type this, has GIANT holes in both knees, and a smaller hole on the back thigh. This is because I’ve been wearing them since high school (they still fit!), and have just naturally worn these holes into them. They weren’t distressed at all when they were purchased for me about fourteen years ago, but now they’re very distressed, and also very beloved. They spark a lot of joy. I’m never getting rid of them.

I don’t have many flannels at the moment (though I have a couple), but I have several different leather jackets. I wore Converse shoes for YEARS, but unfortunately they offer no support and are the reason my achilles tendon is pretty much permanently damaged (might also be why I have knee crepitus as well), so I don’t wear them anymore and instead have legit tennis shoes instead (but ones that are black with white soles so I feel they still fit). However, I do have two different pairs of Doc Martens, one of which is a platform pair, and I love them to death, so. The fact that my preferred shoes were Converse and Docs before I even knew about this is pretty . . .

I used to wear band t-shirts almost exclusively in my teen and young adult years, and stopped pretty much only because I stopped going to concerts, and lost a lot of my band t-shirts to boot (though I do thankfully still do have a 10 Years one, and I hope to get the one currently on their website soon too). But I do have a 10 Years light jacket (super oversized of course), and replaced the band t-shirts with gaming t-shirts. I guess this would make me a bit of a geeky grunge? I don’t think that’s really a “thing,” but if people can invent things like “soft grunge” or whatever, then I feel this should be allowed. I am donating some of my gaming shirts to charity in a couple days because I don’t think I really want them anymore (either because they’re for games I don’t play but got them for free, or because I don’t really like the colors on them and also got them for free), but I still have quite a few of them. I’m a geek, I can’t help it, it’s just who I am.

And my hair is always messy no matter what I do. Even when I pin it up, it still looks a bit messy. It’s just the way it is. 

While I do shower every day and so I don’t fit the “greasy” part of the grunge criteria, and while I’m obviously not going to change myself to more closely fit the grunge criteria, it still felt like a huge “OOHHHHHHHH” moment for me when I realized this. It also makes it a bit easier to shop for fashion things, I feel, because I now have a starting point. I’m not sure this is a starting point that Tan France would approve of given that I am almost twenty-nine and so the “someone’s disaffected niece” look is one I feel that he would think I should not be striving for, but it’s not like I’m really striving for that look, but rather, that that look is who I am. Like it’s what calls to me. And you know what, if Karamo can live off Skittles and Coke every day of his life, I feel like I should be able to dress in a geeky grunge style every day of mine (excepting the days I’m at work since that doesn’t fit with the dress code there). Not that these two things are related, but hey. (Besides, I’m sure that Tan would help me find a way to make it work. Orrr he might try to steer me away from it. Or maybe a meeting point of both? Hmm. Who knows.)

Anyway, there’s no real point to this post. I just felt like making it. And I’m fine, or even happy, with looking like someone’s disaffected niece when I’m outside of work. Sure, I’m almost twenty-nine and therefore nearing thirty, but that doesn’t mean that I need to give up the things I enjoy or who I am, especially since in so many ways I’m still discovering them. You know, there’s this idea that permeates society that at some point you have to grow up and leave behind all the things you liked to do and wear in your younger years behind, but that’s ridiculous. No one magically changes into a boring, plain adult once they hit a certain age, and no one should have to. I still love video games. I still love series and things that I loved when I was a kid. I still like wearing graphic tees and ripped jeans and oversized headphones. I am still a mature, responsible adult despite all this. I still own my home, my car, and hold a steady 8:30am - 5:00pm, Monday through Friday job. People are complicated, they’re complex. You can be someone who enjoys silly, frivolous things like fandom and alternative fashion, and also be an adult who carries adult responsibilities. You never have to worry that you’ll get to an age where you should have yourself figured out by that point, or else you’ve failed, because life is an ongoing process and learning experience. You’re never too old to learn about yourself or embrace who you are. This is something I’ve been realizing with regards to myself and my own life, and it’s something I think so many people could stand to realize, too.

Anyway, this is just some personal rambling, so please DO NOT reblog this, or I’ll just delete the post so it won’t show up with the “keep reading” link is clicked anyway and also block you. It’s just something I wanted to get out of my head, and now I have, so I’m going to go get some sleep. Good night. ♥

[dstars96]

Not a day goes by

So much has changed. This world of ours. Friendships. Circumstances. Ideas. Values. Thoughts. Ideas.....so many substantial things. It's been over years since we last spoke. Slightly longer since I last had the privilege to look you in the eye. So much time. So much change. Yet one major thing hasn't changed, well, for me at least. I still love you. Yeah, I know I'm crazy. Literally everybody has thoroughly expressed this to me. Anyway, life likes to give me the old slap in the face. Dropbox emailed me the other day telling me account was being closed due to inactivity. This was news considering I didn't know I had one. So I signed in to this thing and BANG. Surprise mothafucka! Our entire relationship in videos and pictures. Talk about the old slaparoo. All those times you stole my phone and took about 350,000 selfies, videos of us arguing like a married couple at a bonfire, a while summers worth of videos at Taco Bell, you telling me my drums were scary, prom, and basically just us being...well...us. It just reminded how much I miss you. Your crazy matched my crazy and you're the only person that has ever both put up with my nonsense and understood me. You were always the only person Ive ever fully 100% trusted with anything and everything and given the opportunity I'd move heaven and hell to make you smile. To make you happy. To make you feel as special as you made me feel. I failed in so many ways and I just wish I could rewind the clock and fix my mistakes. I shouldn't have ever let jon back into my life. The way he treated you. Absolutely unacceptable. Granted I hated every word he said to you even back then. I'm not blind. The issue is that I let him be the asshole he was. I let the two of you fight. I let him come between us. I should've gone with my gut and just clocked his ass. I guess I put up with it because I just assumed everyone was kidding around...or at least that's what I convinced myself, but obviously I was wrong. Hugely. I can't even begin to apologize enough for that and I can't even begin to explain my regret. I should've put my stupid unimportant problems out of the way. You needed me to be there for you. To support you and be your retreat from the everyday chaos of life, but instead I selfishly just added to stress. The morale of the story is I made a lot of really stupid mistakes and I would absolutely sell my soul for a second chance. Hell, I'd sell my soul just have you back in my life. I've thought of texting you or messaging you just to remind you that there's someone out there that cares. That would do anything for you should you ever need anything. I know it's been over a year. I know so much has changed. I know you don't love me. In fact I'm almost 100% sure that you don't ever think of me or miss me. It seemed easy for you to let me out of your life. Selfishly I wish you thought of me as much as I think of you. That you feel as I do. The other part of me hopes it was incredibly easy and that you able to move on instantly so you could be happy. Anyway I'm off track here. Point is I know that so much has changed and that I'm just a dot in the rear view mirror and that it would be both wrong and probably creepy/shitty of me to try and slide back into your life. So I won't. On a lighter topic. Jacob is in town for the Green Day concert (my 5th in a year because I'm a lunatic). And we've been hanging out and we were talking about things and somehow critikal came up. So we've been watching old cr1tikal videos and just reminded me of that summer where all we did was watch them laughing until we cried. I can still here your voice quoting, "And just where did you come from you bizarre box of fuck?" I miss those times so much. Continuing my incoherently unorganized rant (Cut me some slack it's 4:30am and I'm operating off of no sleep) I wanted to touch on how I've tried to better myself and turn thing around over the past year. I like to think you'd be proud of me. I've been reevaluating my friendships. Looking critically at the people I surround myself with trying to decide if they align with my ideals. I'm not suggesting I only want friends who have the exact same viewpoints with me, that'd actually suck. I just mean I want to be around good people. People that are going to better me. People that are going to widen my views culturally, philosophically, politically, idealistically...etc. I recently cut ties with my fake friends, the backstabber, and the one I feel is a cancer in my life. So basically I'm back to square one with my one friend that I've known since I was 4. Hint he's the one here currently lol. Point is: I think I'm headed in the right direction that way. Furthermore, I've figured out what I want to do career wise. I know what I want in the next 5 years. I know where I want to be at the end of these 5 years and I'm taking steps to put it into action. Basically I just wickedly over complicated the fact that I have a 5 year plan. Again, I'm basically operating at the mental capacity of a zombie. Don't judge me lol. Hey on top of that I'm losing weight and that's always some good stuff. Soon I'll fit my old skinny jeans and black clothes again :D. Or is that out of style now? I'm not hip with the kids fashion...or any fashion really. Though this is obvious. Anyway, this has been reduced to me rambling like the madman I am. I know you'll never see this, but if by some miracle (well, not a miracle for you considering by this point you'd have suffered through my rumblings) you do see this. Just know that I still love you. Know that I still care about you and if you ever need anything no matter what it is, you can always call me and I'll anything and everything I can. Even if you just need someone to talk to I won't steer you wrong. I miss you. I love you. I always have and I always will. My door is always open.

[seriestrash]

London’s Calling

1 || 2 || 3 || 4 || 5 || 6 || 7 || 

Chapter Eight: Tagged

Word Count: 3237

☏ ☏ ☏ ☏

Back in New York on the night of the party that upset Riley, Lucas sat on his sofa with Zay at the opposite end. It was 3pm and the two Texans were settling down to watch a baseball game whilst Riley was settling into the awkwardness of the party. 

Zay threw a handful of popcorn in the air and it rained down over him, only a few kernels actually landing in his mouth. Lucas chuckled and brushed off the bits that fell on his lap. Zay started rambling on about something but Lucas’ attention dropped out when his phone buzzed. It was an Instagram notification saying Riley was tagged in a photo. 

Lucas looked at the candid photo of Riley. He wonders what she’s doing, it looked to him like she was at a party. Lucas clicked on Finn’s profile, surprised to see it wasn’t on private he looked at a few of his photos. 

“Luke, are you even listening?” Zay cleared his throat. 

“Do you think this guy is attractive?” Lucas asked still focused on his phone. 

Zay gave his friend a quizzical look, wondering if he even realised what he’s just asked. Lucas however didn’t seem to register his friends look, instead he just flips his phone screen around for Zay to see, showing him the post he was looking at. 

Zay looked between the phone screen and Lucas a few times. “I’m not sure what the right answer is here...” Zay chuckled nervously. 

“That’s Finn, he’s Riley’s friend in London.” Lucas flipped the phone back to himself. 

“That’s Finn?” Zay’s eyes widened and he scooted closer to Lucas, grabbing at the phone so he could see it too. 

“Yeah, normally his profile is on private,” Lucas said, “He must have taken it off...” 

“You’ve checked before?” Zay asked amused. 

“No...” Lucas lied. 

“If you wanted a photo of him why didn’t you just ask Maya?” Zay questioned.

“Why would Maya have a photo of him?” Lucas was confused. 

“Hello? She’s Riley’s best friend,” Zay scoffed, “What was the first thing I asked when you told me you met two girls on the subway?” 

“For photos,” realisation crossed Lucas’ face, “But we’re guys... Do girls do that? 

“I almost guarantee you they do,” Zay held back his smirk. 

“It doesn���t matter,” Lucas shook his head, getting back to the point. “I couldn’t have asked Maya because she would tell Riley.” 

“So?” Zay raised a brow. 

“Riley would think I was jealous,” Lucas said as if that should have been obvious. 

“You are jealous.” Zay matched his friends expression. 

“Maybe, but she doesn’t need to know that,” Lucas said. “Has Riley mentioned him to you. Finn, I mean?” 

“A couple times,” Zay nodded. 

“Really?” Lucas asked quickly. 

Zay nodded again, “She hasn’t to you?” 

“Not really...” Lucas mumbled. “Do you think that means something?” 

“You think she likes him?” Zay asked not believing it. 

“I don’t know..” Lucas stared at the phone again for a moment. “I know we’ve been finding it hard to talk lately but when we do it’s like we brush around the details of things.” 

“You think she’s hiding something?” Zay’s interest was completely peaked, forget about the baseball game. 

“I think maybe she’s not telling me the whole truth...” Lucas admitted. “Maybe she likes Finn and is too scared to tell me?” 

“I don’t know, but instead of all this guessing you could... You know... Ask her?” Zay gave his friend a knowing look. 

That’s where the conversation turned to something other than Riley but the idea of her moving on lingered in the back of Lucas’ mind long after the baseball game was over and long after Zay left that evening. 

Lucas was distracted throughout dinner and evasive whenever his parents tried to find out what was wrong. 

After turning in for the night Lucas continued to be restless in bed. Really what he wanted was to call Riley but it was around 10pm which was 3am for Riley and he wouldn’t dare wake her. Lucas managed a couple hours sleep but woke again around 2:30am. He took out his phone and opened Riley’s Instagram, he looked at a few of the photos, all of which he’s already seen. She hadn’t been posting much since she went back to school. Lucas brushed this off as being busy with homework and what not but then he realised he doesn’t even get sent the extra photos anymore. Why?

Another forty-five minutes pass and Lucas is still awake. He looks at the time and works out it would be around 8am for Riley. He spends another fifteen minutes contemplating if he should call her or not but ultimately he gives in. 

Back in London Riley snoozes comfortably in her bed after an hour of crying that finally put her to sleep. It’s her phone ringing that causes the brunette to stir. She reaches for it at smiles at the picture of Lucas that flashes on her screen.

Her smile drops when she realises it would be the very early hours of the morning in New York so Riley worries something is wrong and answers quickly.

“Lucas?” Riley says with a hint of panic in her voice, “It’s so early for you, did something happen?”

“No, no, oh sorry, no,” Lucas apologises quickly.

“Oh good,” Riley lets out a breath of relief. 

“Did I wake you?” Lucas asks now being the one who’s worried. 

“Kind of, but I’m glad you called.” Riley says genuinely, “What’s up?”

“I couldn’t sleep and we haven't had the chance to speak in almost two weeks so I thought I might be able to catch you now..” Lucas says. Riley notices he seems off, not his usual self.

“Is there something particular on your mind?” Riley repositions herself into a spot of comfort in bed.

“No,” Lucas says quietly, “Just wanted to chat.”

“Okay,” Riley says softly. If he didn’t want to open up yet that was fine. Riley was just happy to hear his voice. “What do you want to chat about?” 

“So you went to a party last night?” Lucas asks trying to be casual. 

“How did you know?” Riley is almost defensive. She worries Maya spilled the beans about her kiss. Oh no, the kiss, Riley thinks to herself. With the worry of something possibly being wrong with Lucas she forgot about it but with the mention of the party, the guilt and pain of last night comes flooding to the front of her mind. 

“I just saw you tagged in that Finn guys photo,” Lucas answers. 

Finn. “Oh yeah. Finn has been pestering me about his famous parties since I arrived in London so I finally caved. I left pretty early though, I wasn’t feeling it..” Riley tries her best not to alert Lucas of anything. 

“Did something happen?” Lucas asks worried. 

“No, of course not!” Riley lies, “It was really fun but you know me. I’m more of a quiet get together kind of gal..” Riley giggles nervously. 

“Okay,” Lucas says not completely convinced. “So I haven't heard much about this Finn guy... Are you two close?” 

“Sorta,” Riley shifts in her bed uncomfortably. “I’ve told you he’s the son of mom’s partner at the firm and he’s in the year above me.” 

“Mhmm,” Lucas mumbles his agreement that he knows this already. 

Riley’s still worried Lucas knows something more about last night. Maybe not the full details of it but she decides to talk things up. Turn things into a positive rather than how negatively it actually went. The last thing she wanted was for Lucas to pity her or even worse, get angry. “I mean, even though he’s older we seem to get on quite well, even his friends have become my friends despite the age difference.” 

“Well there’s a year between you and I,” Lucas states, “We get along just fine.” 

“I know,” Riley lets out a soft giggle, “It’s just, with them being apart of the senior program and all... It’s kind of a big deal for me.” 

“Oh okay.. I’m glad you’re fitting in well,” Lucas says quietly, “Told you they’d love you.” 

“Yeah,” Riley matches his soft tone. “Anyway, enough about me. We talk about me all the time,” Riley laughs quietly, “What’s new with you?”

“Nothing really, same old stuff…” Lucas says.

“Absolutely nothing?” Riley asks, “New York is the exact same as when I left it? Nothing new to report about school?”

“Well, a couple days ago a new girl started in our year.”

“A new girl?” Riley’s interest is peaked, “Is she nice?”

“I don’t know, I haven't spoken to her,” Lucas admits.

“Maybe you should,” The words leave Riley’s mouth before she even understands what she’s saying. 

“You think?” Lucas asks confused. 

“Of course.. I mean you know first hand how daunting being the new kid can be-” 

“So do you now,” Lucas added. 

“I guess so,” Riley laughs. “Anyway, maybe you guys should make her feel welcome because I know first hand how rewarding befriending the new kid can be.” 

“You think knowing me is rewarding?” Lucas smirks. 

“Shut up,” Riley laughs with an eye roll to herself. 

Before Lucas could say anything else his father grumbles something about getting off the phone at this ridiculous hour. Lucas calls out a respectable, “Yes Sir.” and turns his attention back to Riley. 

“What was that about?” Riley questions. 

“Whoops,” Lucas whispers into the phone, “I woke up my dad. I have to go, I’m sorry.” 

“No, it’s fine,” Riley smiles to herself, “Get some sleep.” 

“Night, Riles.” Lucas says. 

“Oh and by the way,” Riley says before he hands up, “I guess knowing you has been sorta rewarding.. or whatever..” Riley says in a mocking bashful way. 

Lucas chuckles quietly, adds a simple, “ditto.” and hangs up the phone. 

Now, wide awake, Riley springs from her bed to get some breakfast. Just as she enters the kitchen where the rest of her family were already gathered the intercom buzzes. It’s Finn. Riley panics silently for a moment. If she tells him to go that would spark questions with her parents but if she lets him up then she’s forced to confront him. Ultimately Riley’s incessant need to portray her unwavering happiness won out in the end and Riley ends up alone in her room with Finn. 

“Riley, I’m so deeply sorry for how I acted last night,” Finn opens with an apology. “I was inebriated and I know that’s no excuse but I misread the situation and I’m so, so sorry.”  

“Finn, do you like me?” Riley asks as she shifts on her feet. 

“Of course, you’re hilarious,” Finn wears a wide grin. 

“I mean, like like me,” Riley lowers her gaze, “Is that why you tried to kiss me?” 

Finn grows increasingly uncomfortable and rubs at the nape of his neck, “I mean you’re great but I was thinking - in my cloudy mind - that it would just be fun, ya know?” 

“Okay,” Riley nods. Slightly relieved that his actions didn’t come through because of harboured feelings for her. “I’m just not a fun kind of girl...” 

“I completely understand and I am truly sorry for upsetting you last night.” 

Riley could tell he was genuine but she couldn’t help but feel like her trust was betrayed and even though she believes Finn is a genuinely nice guy he’s been tainted in her eyes. Although, Riley does forgive him and they agree to remain friends and to an extent they do but Riley keeps her distance at school, which results in her spending more lunches alone. Riley knew in her heart that she could probably fix her isolation situation with a little persistence with her peers but as she sits on a bench outside, looking around at the school she’s not warmed up to, Riley realises she doesn’t want to fix it. She just wants to go home.

☏ ☏ ☏ ☏

“Rain,” Riley mutters to herself. Not like the droplets that fall from the sky and calms Riley’s soul. No, Rain as in the beautiful bombshell that transferred to Abigail Adams High from LA and Riley feels like that’s all she’s heard about for months.  

Lucas listened to Riley when she encouraged him to reach out to the new girl and he also implored their friends to do the same and three months pass since the first mention of Rain and it’s been drizzling down on Riley ever since. 

Riley was almost certain that there hadn’t been a single conversation she’d had with one of her friends back home that didn’t bring up the new girl in some way. 

Zay openly admits how fine she is and how her immediate acceptance into the cheer squad tickled his cheerleader complex. 

Farkle and Smakle both expressed their shared surprise when Rain joined the science club. 

Even Maya went on about how cool Rain was. The one person who remained ‘indifferent’ to the new girl was Lucas. Riley was unsure if he was trying to spare her feelings or not on the odd occasion that they did get a chance to chat. Which, is something that bothers Riley more than her apparent jealously about Rain and it’s not just her lack of communication with Lucas it’s her lack of communication with everyone. Riley was lucky if she had averaged three calls in three months from each of her friends. Even texting was a rare thing now. 

Riley sits at the end of her bed with all of this is weighing on her mind when a FaceTime request flashes on her phone. Riley’s grin grows wide and she answers, her smile only getting bigger when Maya appears on the screen. 

“Peaches,” Riley says almost relieved. 

“Hey, honey,” Maya swivels in her desk chair. 

“How was the school trip?” Riley asks knowing she would have only just gotten back. 

“They hotel was icky, I’m just glad to have my phone back,” Maya yawns, “How are you?” 

“I’m good,” Riley nods, giving her usual positive response. A notification flashes at the top of Riley’s screen and she clicks it immediately when she see’s its a post notification for Lucas, or a tag notification rather. 

“Hello?” Maya asks waving her hand in front of the camera as she tries to get Riley’s attention. 

Riley clicks back to Maya and gives her a sheepish grin. “Sorry, Lucas was tagged in a photo...” 

“The one with Rain?” Maya asks. 

“Yeah, have you seen it?” Riley questions. 

“Mhmm,” Maya bops her head, “Rain was asking me for caption approval.” 

“So are you guys like.. close?” Riley chews on her bottom lip. 

“Kinda,” Maya shrugs, “She’s cool.” 

Riley gently nods and stares past the screen in thought. 

“I don’t think Lucas, likes her if that’s what you’re worried about...” Maya adds cautiously. 

“What?” Riley gets defensive, “Why would I care about that?” 

“Because it’s Lucas..” Maya gives her a sympathetic look. 

“I’ve been gone for eight months now,” Riley says as if that’s no big deal. “I’m over Lucas. We’re just friends.” 

“Okay,” Maya says not buying that for a second. 

The two get back into catching up but the conversation drifts back to Rain and Riley starts one of her long winded rambles about how pretty she is and how fake glad she is that the new girl is fitting in so well and then it turns to obvious jealously which turns into crazy talk. 

“R for Rain, R for Riley,” A gasp escapes the brunette. 

“What are you talking about?” Maya scrunches her nose in confusion. 

“I’m being replaced, right down to the first letter of my name!” Riley says completely serious. 

“Okay,” Maya chuckles amused, “Are you replacing Farkle with Finn?” 

Another gasp exits Riley, with wide eyes she replies, “They are both rich.. Maya, what if the universe is trying to fill in the blanks?” 

“No!” Maya groans, “I was joking. You really have to stop YouTubing those conspiracy videos.” 

“They’re so addicting,” Riley chews on her thumbnail briefly. 

“They give you nightmares,” Maya pulls her phone closer to her face so Riley got a zoomed up view of her knowing glare. 

“That was only once... a night for a week,” Riley chuckles nervously, rolling onto her stomach. “But seriously... Do you think people like her more than me?” 

“What does that matter?” Maya asks, “You’re Riley, we love Riley. That’s never going to change.” 

Riley can only mumble something inaudible to Maya. 

“You’re still thinking about the R thing aren't you?” Maya coaxes her head. 

“Well, it can’t be a coincidence!” Riley gets amped up again. Springing up into a sitting position.

“Her name is Lorraine,” Maya states, “Rain for short.”

“Oh,” Riley says quietly. “Maybe when we talk about her we can call her Lory, to make me feel better.” 

“Whatever you want,” Maya shakes her head but is always amused by her best friend. 

“Lory and Lucas...” Riley says quietly, “No, Maya that sounds better-” 

“I thought this wasn’t about Lucas?” Maya gives her a knowing look. 

“It isn’t,” Riley lies. “I just don’t want like the idea of being replaceable...” 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Riley. You’re one of a kind remember?” Maya grins, “No one is replacing you.” 

Riley wears a small smile. The Skype on her laptop ringing breaks her attention from FaceTime with Maya. 

“It’s Lucas,” Riley says being able to make out his display picture from her bed. 

“Ha Hurr,” Maya says in a snippy tone for him taking away from her call time with Riley. 

“Love you,” Riley says innocently. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Maya swats the air in front of her, “You too.” 

With that playful note they hang up and Riley leaps for her laptop to answer Lucas’ call before he hangs up. 

“Hey,” Riley waves, her video chat slightly lagging. 

“Hi,” Lucas’ smile is small but warm. 

“How was the trip?” Riley asks casually, “I saw you tagged in Rain’s photo...” 

“You did?” Lucas asks quietly but doesn’t let her answer. “That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. Kinda.” 

“Really?” Riley’s heart starts pounding faster in her chest. “Did something.. happen.. between you two?” 

“No, nothing...” Lucas avoids Riley’s gaze, even through the computer. “Yet..”

“Yet?” Riley’s voice is almost a whisper as if Lucas had just confirmed every worry she’s had these past three months. 

“She kind of asked me out…” Lucas says quietly.

“She did?” Riley is surprised at first and has to force her words out, “What did you say?”

“I don’t know.” Lucas states.

“You don’t know what you said?” Riley laughs nervously.

“No,” Lucas joins in the nervous giggle, “I said I don’t know, that I’d think about it.”

“What’s there to think about?” Riley asks.

“You…”  Lucas answers hesitantly.

“What about me?” Riley questions.

“Would it be weird?” Lucas asks, “If I said yes.”

“Not for me, of course not,” Riley wears a huge grin. “Lucas, all I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy.”

“So you and I would be okay if I said yes?” Lucas asks.

“Of course,” Riley grins, “Why wouldn't we be?”

“Okay, good,” Lucas wears a look a relief. “Hey Riles, I should probably go.”

“Sure, speak soon okay?” Riley grins one last time before they end the video chat.

Riley closes her laptop and flops down on her bed. What was that Maya said about not being replaced?

End Note: Sorry this chapter took so long! I was never planning on adding the Lucas + Zay part, more just alluding to the photo tag being on his mind but I wanted to lengthen it for you guys. 

There isn't many more  chapters left. Hopefully they’ll be out sooner rather than later!

As always I ask for reviews, feedback etc !! :)

[moreurl-morefun]

July 7, 2017

9:06pm I'm going to type this one about an hour earlier than before, because I miss you. Again. Whenever I try to type for the day, I already pre-thought what I would like to talk about, but you know what? I always end up talking about some other thing. So what's the point, let's make this one spontaneous and whatever the hell my mind will take me. For the past week, my morning routine has been going like this: 6:00am - I wake up by the irritating sound of chairs being dragged across the floor or my mom fixing the bed or my sister's voice that pierces through you it makes you so angry because they're rambling about some nonsense fight again with her obnoxious daughter. 7:00am - but if I'm lucky enough, I wake up late at 7 and think of breakfast but really, I just lie flat on the sofa again. But first, I'll check if you messaged. None. I guess it's too early. I'll get up at 7:30. 7:31am - I'll get up at 8:00am 8:00am - I'll move to the room and sleep again, it's too early and I will not do anything anyway. Time to sleep the hours away. 30min more. 9:00am - I check my messenger if you said good morning. No. Maybe later at 12am when he's not busy. I'll wake up at 9:30am Almost 10am - Should I get up? Should I eat breakfast? Should I check on chich now? This pillow is so soft. I should get out of my comfort zone. I need to get a job. I'm lazy as fuck. Goddamit. And then it's either my mom will force me to get up or I force myself to get up. And then my morning starts. Before, I'd get up at 7:30am. Then it became 8am. Then 9am. Now it's 10am, and I hope I don't reach 12pm, I hate that morning feeling of already wasting half of my day to sleep. Ok. So I just wanted to share that, that was kind of boring. I received a Good morning message from you again. But when I checked a few minutes later, it's already been replaced by a sad emoticon. Not sure if you messaged anything in between that, but that sad emoticon just really looks so sad. Like the emoticon is so down, whenever you say "I miss you *insert sad emoticon*" I always feel like you're ultimately sad and I need to be there for you, next to you and hug you ASAP. I seriously would imagine you lying somehwere with a sad face on and thinking of me. Or maybe because I do that when I'm sad. I'm just thinking of you because I want to hug you whenever I'm lying on the bed or the sofa. People may forget the things that they had said to each other, but what you will always remember is the feeling that you felt with a person. Many times we hug each other. Many times you hug me. Many times I tell you I would hug you. Many times I sleep next to you while you hug me. Many times I hug your face while we get to sleep. There was a time a couple of years ago, and we were lying on someone else's bed and the lights were on. Someone else was in the room too but I didn't care and we were trying to sleep. I placed my head by your chest and this wasn't the first time. I don't know if you were hugging me. I don't know what happened before that or after that. I don't know if were talking. But I can always remember what I felt during that time. I felt like we could be like this always and I told myself "this is the best place to sleep". I could count very significant moments we spent together that when I close my eyes, I can still all remember the feeling. It's not the same as having pictures and looking at them 3-5 years later and thinking "oh wow! I remember this!" I don't need pictures to remind me of those moments. It's not in memory, it's in my heart. More like the positive kind of being traumatized. When you're traumatized you get reminded of that time you got scared and fearing what happened. But with this, you remember the good feelings, of being loved and loving back. It's the equivalent of the ones we see in movies where time slows down and romantic instrumental music plays at the background. I had that with you. And this was just one of them. This became a positive confession. Many times I imagine telling you these stories in person because I want to see the reaction in your face, hoping that it would make you kilig or something like laugh and wanting to kiss me. I want to treasure these things. I wonder if time ever stopped for you when you were with me. I hope it did too. I hope it makes you forget of all the times I made you feel sad. In the future, I wish to create more of moments that will make you happy. Ending with a good letter, I want to stay positive as I have sent a few letters and online applications to a few architectural job ads. I hope they were legit and I hope I'd get in with the ones I really liked. Please, I hope they all respond to me pleassse. Hoping for the best! A job soon!!! Letters I hope to send someday, Julice 10:18pm Kapasigan, Pasig.