#anyway I Want to Clarify. so nobody gets mad:

[robinsteves]

good luck, nancy wheeler

[class1akids]

Just one thing about the volume leaks, since I'm spoiled anyways (I'm writing this as someone who doesn't ship either bkdk or izch)

I don't get why people are so mad about the Deku "rejecting" Bakugou's offer scene:

- He does thank both Kirishima and Bakugou for the armor and says how happy he is to be able to do that data collection

- He does clarify that he found something important to him in teaching that he would enjoy even if he had OFA

- It's not like he's rejecting Bakugou out of malice or revenge - but in 8 years, he built a life that's important to him and is not throwing it away on Katsuki's whim.

- And obviously, he doesn't OWE it to him. All of Class A financed it together and there were never strings attached (that would be really shitty).

Izuku's character desperately needed this moment; to clarify that he's not just drifting or settling, but he's choosing his own life-path in a way that makes him fulfilled.

I think Bakugou, who has been so angry for so long about Deku never prioritizing himself gets that. Sure, he's bummed a bit that Izuku is not taking his offer, and there is maybe a small sting of rejection over it or just being hit by the irony that now as he's still clinging onto a childhood dream, Deku's goals have adjusted and changed. I don't deny that there is a melancholy to it - Bakugou wasted so many years rejecting Deku, and now he's experiencing a bit of that, though nothing as harsh.

But they are still friends, they still work together, Bakugou even helps out in Izuku's class. And he has a good life - a successful agency (he debuted at no 4! and has countless applications for interns / sidekicks, a new fancy car, etc.), friends he cares about, he keeps up with Edgeshot and generally just him being a better person.

It's not like everyone got what they wanted except Bakugou - it's just everyone else was left in a much worse place in Chapter 430. Deku, Uraraka and Todoroki are still pretty much processing losing "their villains" a decade later.

So if anything, this chapter balanced things out a bit - showing that nobody got 100% of their dreams, but also everyone is in a pretty good place and keeps moving towards their own definition of success and happiness.

Katsuki is just having not a great night - getting that rejection from Deku and having to celebrate Todoroki getting 2nd place in the ranks which will make him a bit pissed off - but it's all amicable - not the bitter frustration of Endeavor. Plus, he's the designated driver, so can't even drink.

But a bad night doesn't mean a bad life. Katsuki seems really doing quite fine and being a hero, friend and human being he can be proud of. At least, I'm super proud of him.

Honestly, this part of the ending feels fitting - changing, being a good person and leaving the past behind is not just one great fight against some evil comic book villain while everyone cheers, but generally doing the right thing, those mundane little acts of service and support, even when it's hard, even when there is no reward - just one day at a time.

[ghostcasket]

Hallmark Exes FAQ!

in light of part 2 being out soon, I’ll be making a little separate FAQ post about them for some backstory info and so i don’t have to keep answering the same questions lol—so send in any questions you have and I’ll answer them in the FAQ!

before getting into the questions, however, I want to clarify something.

Levi and Xavier are my characters. this is my story. while it was prompted by another post—and I encourage everyone who wants to to write their own versions of the prompt!!—it is not a collaborative project. I’ve had multiple separate issues with people wanting to write their own part 2s, and while I really do appreciate that the story resonated so much and inspired people enough to want to add to it, actually doing so and posting it is rude, disrespectful, and a shitty thing to do.

to be clear, I’m not mad at or trying to target any of these people. I know there were no malicious intentions behind it, but my feelings about it remain the same.

I’m not a published author. nobody knows Levi and Xavier are my characters. if someone were to stumble across the original piece and a part 2 someone added without my consent, they’d have no way to know that that’s not canon. any additional info that person decides to include in their writing muddies the waters when I inevitably contradict it, because Levi and Xavier’s story is so much more fleshed out in my head than what I’ve shared on tumblr.

so I guess please just keep that in mind. please don’t hijack my story. it feels weird that I have to say this in the first place, but here we are.

and if you’re about to say something like “but jester, it’s a compliment, it's not that big of a deal! besides, it’s just a tumblr story, it’s not that serious!” I just want to say this: when a writer posts the first chapter of their book or fic on tumblr or ao3 or wattpad or wherever else, do you decide to take it upon yourself to write chapter 2 and post it as if that’s the continuation of the story? no, you wouldn’t, because that’s rude as fuck. this isn’t any different.

ANYWAY. thanks for reading, sorry for the serious post about my silly goofy gay story, don’t forget about any questions you may have :)

[floralscented]

I’m sorry to be that person but i simply can’t understand what happened with artyandink, i love their posts and bots and i would just like to understand better what happened since the posts and everything weren’t really clear for me 😭

so basically the very short & sweet ( update after finishing writing it: it was not short or sweet ) answer is that she word for word copied one of my writings, alongside many of my other ideas ( at the very least mentioning wanting to do them at the same time as me so she could put hers up first and get validation for an idea that wasn't hers, i imagine, but that's speculation ) and then when i stopped letting it happen and called her out on it, she blamed it on photographical memory of all things, but at least stopped, so i thought it was done.

phase two is when she started being incredibly rude and passive aggressive to me or anyone that would listen about how we didn't interact with her stuff anymore, and how it wasn't fair. which is honestly incredibly rich, isn't it? because she rarely interacted with our things, or gave them the recognition that she wanted in return. but really, it wasn't about fairness and doesn't matter if things are interacted with equally or whatever, she was just mad nobody was hyped for her things anymore because the only things we saw from her, weren't her own ideas.

in between this phase & phase three is when she starts genuinely harassing me personally. messages on discord privately, tagging me in a public server if i don't respond in time ( we have a six hour time difference! when it's morning for her, it's the dead of night for me! ), private messaging me on tumblr, sending asks on tumblr. literally all in the same 30 minute span max. always asking things along the lines of if i think she's a bad person, or guilting me personally, about never interacting with her things.

this is not like an excuse or whatever, but at the time, i was hardly posting on tumblr / less than i am now, because everything i wrote got taken, so i lessened it a lot. i was only ever on tumblr to post my things when i did, and that was it! very rare! so interacting with her things was hardly ever on my mind!

phase three. personally feels like a crashout to me because it's actually insane. the same day that she again messages me, this time asking if i got an anon abt her, which alone is crazy that even happened because who talks shit about someone, to someone else? that they might not even know follows? i tell her no, because it obviously feels shady as fuck. and so she starts being really weird. things like, well i got this ask in the screenshot i'm sending you, and a second saying you definitely got one, but i don't have the screenshot of the second, because i deleted it, but not the first. shady, right? anyways. same day as all of this, she gets on the server like, hey guys, i'm gonna let my friend take over my entire tumblr & discord, her name is dani. hope this is okay! and not even two seconds later, she was suddenly 'dani.' please keep track that this is her second persona. so obviously, she gets kicked because it's weird as fuck, it was honestly just something you had to be there for to see how weird it was, i guess? she changes her tumblr user to daniisms, starts messaging all of us ( in the server, i have not clarified! ) privately and stuff, saying that well, arty was just depressed, that's why she gave away the entirety of her accounts. like any of that makes sense to do.

phase four is actually the most diabolical one because she gets blocked! by all of us! because again, it is weird as fuck. this is when she private messages people again but now her excuse is, oh, NONE of this was me, i've been gone for a month, this was a hacker. so hackers steal supernatural writers tumblrs and their discords, somehow, which mind you, how would anyone even know her discord user? it's nowhere on her account from the last i saw, and so genuinely, how would a hacker know this information to hack her there? so hackers make up an imaginary friend to blame their issues on, and when it fails, that's when they leave your account to you? and also you just so happen to conveniently come back right when the hacker is gone?

the text messages she used in her 'evidence' were faked. you can recreate them exactly in iphonefaketextmessage, something that every writer i've talked to knows, because we've used it at one point for our own writing. suddenly, now that 'she's' back on her own account, she's continuing fics that her hacker made.

she's clearly convinced herself that i'm an enemy and that i'm stupid all at once, because even to this day she is bringing up my name to people that she wants to befriend now that people aren't interested in being friends with someone so conniving and honestly? psychotic at this rate. she apologizes in my messages for everything, still not taking any accountability, and then to everyone else & where she can be perceived, she's trying to discredit whatever i say while trying to paint herself as a savior for "shutting down anyone that says a thing bad about dahlia."

even in her defenses against herself, she literally cannot stop herself from trying to take away from what SHE put me through.

i hope this is further clarification. a lot of the evidence of things i say in here is in my first post, and there's also more i didn't talk about. this was supposed to be short & sweet but it is an incredibly complicated manner, and i just want to be done with it, but she won't stop bringing me up.

and i hate that i have to say this at all, but i really, truly hope this isn't you, arty. seriously. the consequences of our actions are tough, but that's why they're consequences. if you see this, and i know somehow you will, even though i keep you blocked and don't talk about you except for the one post i made and one reblog i did yesterday when you again had my name in your mouth, please leave me alone.

[tinystepsforward]

ngl it makes me want to die a little bit that it's so often trans people who feel that sex is mutable but oppression is always-forever based on asab in ways that allow them to demand that information from other trans people. like it feels fucking bad. it feels bad when it's people holding up someone who posts a lot of selfies as transition goals to a degree they have to clarify what they have or haven't done or what "direction" they're going in, it feels worse when people are out there like "caster semenya is not tma" or whatever the fuck. i am, as always, not a trans woman, but here's a sentiment echoed by many of the trans women around me who log the fuck off, quoted directly from one: "people who draw a clear line where they say that semenya or khelif are tme and then call me tma are just calling me male at this point".

like i get it. i really do. we seek community and shared experiences, and we feel betrayed when people have less in common with us than we thought they did. [*more on this later.] but that's not those people's faults and my god in the case i'm seeing play out on twitter rn this poor person did absolutely nothing to intentionally mislead people, just posted pictures of their actual kid self. who looks a lot like i did, because shockingly enough "we can always tell" doesn't fucking work for trans people either!

on the one hand i move in intersex circles which are unapologetically welcoming in cis "dyadic" people with pcos, because it serves nobody to draw a clear line where mutilation or genetics or some ineffable childhood suffering are what make somebody intersex, especially when most of us (esp in places like nz) have never been karyotyped and are being treated for symptoms without a pinned-down cause anyway. the more of us there are the stronger we are, the more pressure we can exert on a medical profession which doesn't like to consider how common outliers are, how uneasy sex is at all. and then on the other hand there's dyadic trans people on the internet who've yelled me out of spaces because a couple of traumatised incarcerated trans women i worked with as a prison abolitionist assumed i was also a trans woman and i didn't immediately tell them my entire csa-involved history of being sexed in varying ways as an infant and child and/or exactly how big my phallus was at birth or where in my junk config my urethra lives so they could decide i was tme or whatever.

returning to the * for a related but not identical thought: i think presuming shared experiences leads to some fucked shit in general! "oh we all had a radfem phase" or "oh we all were channers" no we fucking weren't and it's particularly obnoxious when me & mine are trying to build trans community locally to organise and resist the growing wave of far-right backlash against our existence, and there's just white people in there on a spectrum from "straight up being antisemitic and trying to get the n-word pass" through "handwringing about how they need to make space for people who aren't politically correct" to "handwringing about how brown people are right to be mad at them but doing shit fuckall". and then the other fucking brown people in the space are on some identity politics shit where they're like "trans joy inherently excludes those of us who could get deported" or "big city white queers are killing us by being visible instead of going stealth bc it stirs up the discourse" or whatever the fuck i've heard pulled out this year. there's a bunch of reasons i primarily organise outside of trans spaces and that's one of them. i've never felt more alone in spaces where people claim we're all the same than being left as the brownest moderator or organiser in a space full of people to whom "this is a safe trans space" apparently means they get to abdicate all other responsibilities not to lapse into presumed shared patterns that are fucking racist or otherwise alienating. i've never felt more alone than surrounded by exclusively trans people who sort people into boxes and assume everyone in those boxes has the transition goals they have. like i was on cypro until it disagreed with me to the point of endocrine crisis and now i'm on t and at both those points people were so fucking presumptive or entitled to my reasons or journey or personal relationship w my body

literally just submitted on (and was invited to consult on) the nz law commission's review of the human rights act and like. it's straight up fucked how many nz trans people fully do not comprehend that any "sex assigned at birth" type definitions fundamentally exclude migrants who have no way of proving it and many intersex people who happen to have been reassigned later or many times or never assigned at all as a baby. we can't make law with this shit and that's why we have to have symmetrical protections for all genders/sexes/expressions/presentations, bc naming and defining a protected class here often leaves the people who already are left out from those shared experiences of marginalisation out in the cold when they face violence

[inklessletter]

I've been coming across some posts on and off these past few months about people complaining of fandom behaviour, particularly what is right or wrong to write about a character or a story. And I want to clarify that this me giving an opinion, and I'm no one, I'm just expressing myself, but I kind of feel like I need to say this before it gets me mad enough to snap someday.

I'll start with saying that, to me, "fandom" is just a place for you to be yourself. You saw a piece of media that became your comfort place, and fandom is that place where you are allowed to experiment, bend, deconstruct, rebuild or tear apart that, because you are, ultimately, experimenting with your own feelings. This means that nobody in fandom writes to meet another people's expectations, but themselves'! There is no use other in pointing out "but that's not canon!" that making that person who just poured a bit of themselves into something they made feeling bad and ashamed, even for a second. Of course it's not canon. That's the point.

It is okay to take a canonically good, pure, heart of gold kind of guy and write him being a serial killer. It is okay to take a villain and turn him into the hero. It is okay to take a side character and make it all around them. It is okay. Seriously, what good can it make to say "he would not do that", "but that character is evil, that would not happen", "but the story is not about them, tho"?

Who cares about canon anyway? It is a good starting point but once you don't treat that piece of media as something meant to entertain you for the two hours that the movie's running, and start thinking about it, and analyzing it, and creating aus, and thinking about characters' motivations, you're making that story yours. And we do collectively join here, in fandom, to share. I find it so petty and mean just to point out, to even suggest to a certain someone without mentioning them that they're wrong when they defend their personal headcanon about something. It is so silly and funny to me, like, can you imagine taking a literature exam in college and they ask you to write about Jane Eyre's red room meaning and some ballsy student just writes down "well, the room was decorated mainly red and she hated it because it was a punishment place. If there is any religious meaning behind, it is not canon because Brontë didn't write about that specifically."

Let people analyze and make out what they need out of a character or a piece of media. Let them draw their own conclussions. What's it to you? Who are any of us to say that a certain depiction is wrong because it's not canon? What do you know about those people motivations anyway to write about a character that way?

Fandom is not government, it's a community. There are no rules, no laws. No headcanon is above another headcanon. No canon is above a headcanon!

So please, stop weaponizing canon and fanon. Either case, it's just people creating, saying what they need to say, one way or another. Just let them do their thing without making them feel bad for doing differently from you.

That's all I have to say, really.

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s5 episode 9 thoughts

(rubs hands together in excitement) ohohohoho, let us see what this evening brings us!

i have been so desperate for some light MSR moments, that i have considered penning a mini fic where mulder comes over to scully's place to talk about some boring work stuff, but then it turns to just hanging out and drinking hot chocolate, and then it snows too much so he has to spend the night… but i don’t trust my writing skills to do it justice. i’ll end up googling how microwaves in the 90’s worked to make sure my hot chocolate prep methods are historically accurate.

(opens the wikipedia page for swiss miss and starts taking notes)

anyway. okay, so what are we dealing with today? a child who might be a murderer? damn. they get this sort of stuff more frequently than you’d expect. 

well, to clarify, he is a TEENAGER, but still. 

let us begin. 

we open in a room with very old video games and a sick as hell lava lamp. it is covered in posters. 

someone pulls up to the house in a truck and walks in, yelling for bobby, who must be this young gamer gentleman. ohhh this guy (phil) is mad at “that kid”. phil seems like a bully.

bobby left phil’s tools out in the rain. and phil is telling him to “finish the job”. bobby is brandishing this shovel and yelling at phil to “GET AWAY FROM ME, NOW!”. he then runs away, into an orchard!!!! he sees some guy in the night… phil chases after him.

phil has tripped. bobby is on top of him as he falls into a pit of mud! 

your honor, my client is CLEARLY innocent. bobby was nowhere near that sinking hole of mud when phil tripped and fell into it, and once phil HAD landed in there, he was attempting to save his stepfather from the sinkhole despite the way he was treated. at this very moment, i am team bobby.

now it’s scully autopsy time :) she looks so beautiful as she digs pounds of dirt out of phil’s lungs and stomach :)

she thinks that phil was murdered by bobby, who must have held his head into the mud. but mulder points out that phil was found in a hole, standing vertically!!! maybe bobby dug the hole?? and then he fell in and held his head under?

who knows?

mulder seems to take the kid’s side… typical mulder behavior. 

at bobby’s house, mulder shares these words of wisdom: “you know, when kennedy told the germans ‘ich bin ein Berliner”, he was actually saying, ‘i am a cocktail sausage’.” “who’s kennedy?” <- LMAOOOO 

okay, for a man whose first word was allegedly JFK, he needs to brush up on his lore!! the term “berliner”, the way JFK pronounced it, was thought to refer to a type of donut!! but even that was just a myth. smh mulder! i expected better from you.

i’ve always wanted to taste whatever a berliner is.

follow me for more JFK facts.

mulder thinks this incorrect fact is so funny, though. he’s smiling at bobby, and then clarifies he’s not here to accuse him of anything.

“they want me to confess, so they have someone to blame” “right, but you see, you’re not making it very easy for them to believe otherwise. you understand that?” <- lmao. mulder is the king of getting his point across to teenagers bluntly yet with respect!

meanwhile, scully is talking to patti (bobby’s mom), who is saying that bobby and phil used to be very close, and then bobby got into “that teenage stage” where “he don’t want to listen to nobody”. which feels like a gross oversimplification of whatever it was that actually went down, but okay 

phil was stressed because there was a blight on all his nut trees (okay. what is this child supposed to do about that, phil?)

scuuuulllllyyy, you’re so preeeeeettttttyyyy :) if she was questioning me, i wouldn’t even be able to answer. i’d just be looking in her eyes and sighing wistfully.

patti claims that she never saw phil hit bobby, as if this proves that the deceased was a saint, while bobby tells mulder that phil shoved him around a lot. but bobby never hit back because phil was way bigger. which makes the hole seem devised.

ohhhh, scully with the major announcement: the police are probably going to arrest bobby for murder. “but if they do, and if there’s evidence of abuse that you’re not coming forward with, it could hurt his chances” <- she is always telling people to confess and i love that about her. she's always telling people "just so you know: if you lie, we will find out, and you shall be Punished"

(mulder touches some stuff on a tree that looks like blood) <- why is he always doing weird stuff. yes yes, scully explains that it is the juice of dying trees

the agents are walking through this dying orchard, and it’s Romantic in a capital R kinda way. their breath makes fog as they talk, birds chirping in the grey skies while their coats billow behind them

“what do you think?”, scully asks; “i think he’s a hard kid to love” <- WOAH MULDER, damn... him saying that made my jaw drop!!

they’re at the big hole/scene of the crime. scully points out that the tree disease could have killed the root systems keeping the dirt in place, leading to the big hole's creation. mulder climbs in as scully explains how phil could have swallowed 12 pounds of dirt through the power of science

(mulder looks at her and smiles) bitch, me too

“well… you asked me for answers, those are the best ones i’ve got” <- don’t let him make you insecure, queen. if he giggles at your theory behind the physics of dirt swallowing, just remember all the other dumb shit you’ve seen him fully believe in. like the gargoyles. 

bobby has been in therapy for his anger since 1995, which prompts mulder to say “that could be me” <- and maybe it should be, buddy. scully goes to therapy!! you should give it a whirl! i see no downsides

ohhh, the creepy man from before is watching them… mulder’s running up out of that hole when scully says they're being watched. but no!!! his foot got caught!! that was almost bad. and in the time it took to prevent himself from tripping, the mystery guy vanished.

now we're at high school, a place i never want to be. bobby called lisa and he wants to know why she didn’t call him back!!! he claims he finally stood up to “him”. now buddy, i had been on your side, but this way of talking is not going to get you set free.

OHHH a bully shoves him in a locker and bobby says “maybe i’ll kill you too, huh?” and that gets him to back off. lisa is weirded tf out and dips.

knock knock knock on someone named karin’s door. “we’re agents mulder and scully from the FBI” <- hell yeah you are!!!

karin was/is bobby's counselor. the agents are sitting on the couch like they’re the ones here for the appointment. i'm sure couple's therapy wouldn't HURT them.

anyway. back to bobby. he has come into her office physically injured before. he once spilled a glass of milk and phil made him eat in the cellar for a week??? wtf was this phil guy doing?? 

mulder notices her shoes are muddy… he is always noticing. this is some sort of clue, but as to what, i am unsure

“you make it sound like a justification- like bobby did it- and i don’t think bobby did it” <- get her again for me, mulder!

karin girl, don’t be cryptic about what did and did not happen. they’ll subpoena you.

lisa is walking somewhere at night. bobby pulls up in his very loud truck, creepily. he seems inebriated as he tells her to stand up to her dad, and that there is a way to make it go away forever. leave lisa alone, bobby. just because i don’t think you killed that guy, that does not mean you can go around and bother girls!!!

her dad says he doesn’t want bobby coming around, she screams at him to stfu, and then she gets out and leaves with bobby!! this has escalated.

so as soon as we saw the chestnut juice on mulder's finger and heard that a blight was plaguing the town, i imagined that this was somehow making the townspeople crazy. and i feel that my theory is only being proven here with more sudden outbursts.

wait, what the hell? i’ve gotta rewind that. 

lisa walks out the door of her house, and then the window, like. blows in on her dad?? and glass shatters everywhere.

later, she comes home and finds him fallen out the window!!! it is NOT looking good for him.

the next morning, mulder is piecing together a smiley face out of the shattered glass. he is simply that sort of guy.

lisa's dad was named eugene, and he was a foreman for the local growers. scully thinks he was pushed out the window, but his body was removed before they saw it. hmm. maybe to cover up the CHESTNUT BLIGHT THAT MAKES YOU CRAZY!?!

karin is now with lisa, telling her she doesn’t have to answer any of the agents' questions, and then after this they’re going straight to her place. which seems very weird. was she dating lisa's dad??? no, she's just going to take her there for a bit, i guess.

scully asks for a moment with lisa, and mulder gestures karin out. ohhhh, what is going down…?

lisa was a client of karin’s for 4 years. she’s saying lisa's father disapproved of her, and she tries to empower “the victims”.

now... is this going to be a chestnut blight as the monster of the week, or is this lady telling kids to kill their parents? 

mulder’s window analysis: it looks like he was PULLED out the window, not pushed. how? girl idk either.

back at da high school, it’s chemistry class- but scully is here to get bobby. ohh, she says she needs to ask him some questions. “about what?” “i don’t want to have to embarrass you in front of your class” “well, i ain’t embarrassed” (she gestures for him to come with her)

she handled that the best way you could, i think. bobby, i was ROOTING for you!! i still am. i bet he thinks that if he owns it, people will leave him alone. makes sense in a way. 

mulder is looking at lisa’s dad’s body. they find something… weird in his skin. i cannot quite tell where it is they found it. or what it is.

scully is inspecting bobby’s arms. i am glad it is him having this experience and not me. 

in walks mulder, with a bag saying "evidence". “what is that?”, asks bobby (mulder points to the label) “evidence” <- lmao i giggled 

it looks like wood that is in the bag!! blighted wood that makes you go violent, perhaps...?

karin is going to help lisa pack her things before leaving to go to her aunt’s. i do not trust karin because why is she taking this child to her house?

karin is being yelled at?? a deep voice is telling her that she wishes she were never born. lisa is trying to figure out wtf is going down. is it gonna be mysterious orchard guy doing the yelling...?

back to lisa’s house to investigate the trees.

IS MULDER CLIMBING THE TREE?

“excuse me, it’s been a few years” he says, grabbing a rope

“hey scully, is this demonstration of boyish agility turning you on at all?” <- OMFG I HAVE SEEN THIS LINE IN GIFS BUT NOW HE ACTUALLY SAID IT... LMAOOOO

(she has absolutely no reaction <- LMAOOOO)

but gasp!!! someone is behind her!!! with an axe!! it must be the orchard guy!!

“maybe you should come down here, mulder” (he sadly descends from the tree as the dude with the axe gets closer to scully) ohhh yeah. if anyone with an axe is approaching scully he is going to be at the scene STAT. even if that means climbing out of a tree.

she asks orchard guy if he knows what kind of tree the evidence splinter came from. he says yes, it is this very type of tree.

scully goes, hey! these trees are dying. but this splinter is live wood. so he wordlessly cuts into the tree, which starts bleeding. when mulder asks what causes this, he says “a very bad man” <- is this pollution? that makes the trees make you kill people??

(the agents looks around in confusion and girl, me too) 

lisa finds muddy footprints in the hall. she opens the door to the basement, and you know something spooky is afoot. lots of mud down there…. and a dead body!!! 

someone is asking where is she… omfg is this the cellar where bobby was locked…????

the agents now need to ask karin some questions about her father’s death, which happened 20 years ago….. under CURIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES. “his body was pulled from the mud of an orchard?” <- ohhhh. that’s juicy.

mulder says that her father dying ended the blight that was infecting the trees all those years ago. do the trees make you crazy to get the blood they need?? to be healthy again??

so she answered no questions at all. BUT NO!!! it IS lisa in her basement!!! she’s slamming on the window asking for help…. who tf put her down here??? alas, the agents do not hear her.

karin says she has to be quiet or he’ll hear her. who is HE?? and who tf is the dead body down here with her???

(cut scene to mulder digging up a grave while scully warns him any evidence they find won’t be admissible in court) LMAOOO is that not their whole dynamic right there?!

it’s karin’s father’s casket they're looking at, and it’s filled with vines, but no body!!! well that is... weird

some lady pulls into karin’s house. it's lisa's aunt linda!! she has come to get her. but karin lies and says that lisa went to the bus station??? girl, what is going on. she slams the door in her face. 

oh shit!!! lisa slams on the window, and her aunt hears her!!! and when she goes to call the police she is… stabbed?? or something??? NOOO, AUNT LINDA!!! poor lisa. she is going through TOO MUCH in this episode.

scully wants to know wtf happened to karin’s dad’s body. yeah. me too.

“i don’t think this was an act of grave robbing, scully” “no, that’s what we were doing” <- LMAOOOOOOOOOO this gave me a very good chuckle

mulder points out that all the deaths are tied from the trees. the root system eats them, perhaps. 

scully says yeah, that's great, but there was a more obvious connection here: all of these children were abused. 

listen, i’m a big believer in ��both things can be true”. maybe the kids fed their parents to the trees, little shop of horrors style!

he says they should go question bobby again. she doesn’t wanna do that shit lmao. 

mulder vs bobby showdown…. 

mulder says he knows bobby ran that night because he was too scared to do anything with the shovel… and he ran into the orchard, but because he had set a trap there, but because he was scared… and he wanted to help phil once he was caught in that hole… and now bobby’s crying, saying "she" made him stand up to him… “she” being karin….

OHHH, was it him yelling at karin about wishing she was never born?? she made him pretend he was phil… “she made you believe you were a victim, but you weren’t” damn. that's messed up.

back at karin’s place, that mysterious deep voice is yelling to lisa. IT’S KARIN?? saying that lisa will wish she was dead??

SO WAS SHE THE ONE THAT LOCKED HER IN THE CELLAR???

agents return to karin’s place. they find the footprints downstairs… and aunt linda's poor body!!! and the body that must be karin's dad!!! all eaten up by the plants!!

“talk about putting down roots” <- lmao. mulder has a dad joke for any occasion. he must study them.

OHHH... it was never bobby that was locked in the cellar, it was karin!!! she's projecting her trauma onto these children

lisa is screaming!!! scully stays with her as mulder goes to find karin!! car chase time!!!!

a tree falls on mulder’s car!!! OHHH he narrowly missed being impaled!!! 

so is karin a tree whisperer???? a tree bender? she commands the roots?

he’s limping out and trying to get over the trees. poor man.

lisa breaks into bobby’s place, despite his mother saying he isn’t here….. how tf did she get away from scully? she yells that bobby is in danger, and he once again runs to the orchard...

karin is approaching bobby in the orchard…. and he’s being sucked down by the roots…. while mulder races after him. karin is talking in that deep voice, saying she deserves what she gets. mulder’s yelling at her to tell “him” to stop!!!! and she says “karin’s dead” <- well, killing other people doesn’t help the problem at hand!!

so now they’re both up to their necks in dirt until orchard guy comes and chops her head off!!!!!!

wow. shoutout to orchard guy. he leaves immediately while they are still hanging out in the muck. they’re still struggling when scully finally finds them LMAO.

aww, look at her pulling him up in the background….

so, mulder wraps up the episode: no one knows why karin got sucked into the mud or how her dad ended up in her basement via root transportation. and she imagined victims around her, so she tried to instill in them the strength she never found in herself.

damn. she was consumed by her past.

well. that was a lot. shocking that the tree that eats people due to child abuse is not one of the contenders for darkest episode of this show. this is just an average day for them.

so, what do i think? hmm. i feel there’s a moral here, about the cycles of abuse and grief, and how you need to confront it lest it haunts you many years down the road. you must deal with the trauma your father inflicted upon you before it leaves you screaming at children in his voice that they are worthless.

but other than that, i’m not sure what to think on the plot and themes. i cannot speak to the careful science that is psychology and decipher if they were trying to make an elaborate point, or if this was one of those "wouldn't it be fucked up if..." episodes.

this episode had some good lines that made me laugh. and that is important. and it was funny to re-read my notes, because i was so convinced this whole plot was due to the blight. i guess the blight emerges when children are being hurt?? and then goes away when the abuser is returned to the earth?

i’m a little shaky on the details.

each time they interact with kids, i get thrust into this idea of them having kids of their own, so this did give me many ideas of them trying to cope with an unruly teenager. you really just have to listen to them. mulder calling bobby hard to love was out of pocket. mulder, please do not say this about your own child. but he seemed adept at speaking teenager and getting him to confess, which was impressive.

anyway, the episode was fine!! mulder is wild for asking scully if she was turned on, but i did laugh at it. you know what though, that is how it is with the besties sometimes. and the grave robbing line killed me. idk how karin was controlling those trees, but i’m going to simply not question it. whatever you say, pretty agents :)

[protectingtulpas]

Hey there! Apologies if the start of this ask sounds familiar. We're not comfortable with using Tumblr yet, and might have accidentally sent an incomplete ask.

Anyways, you seem pretty cool! Asking for some advice...

So, back in September, I found out about tulpamancy and decided to try my hand at this stuff. And it worked, so now I have an amazing bestie who i'll be calling Star (they/them) for privacy, and we're working on getting them to the front.

And so here comes my main conundrum. After a while of me and Star just hanging around, I notice another presence in the head. I tried ignoring it for a bit, but eventually I tried calling out to them and they replied. After a little bit of talking, we figured out that they were called Hero (they/them), and that i'd accidentally made them by thinking about having another "brain friend", as we like to call ourselves.

Any advice for avoiding this kind of thing happening? As much as I love Hero and Star, it would get very full very quickly if this kind of accidental creation thingy keeps happening. And to clarify, i'm not mad at this "incident". We've all worked it out pretty quickly, and nobody is to blame. Sorry for the wall of text ask haha, but this is something we're curious about!

Hey! You came to the right place, cuz this is something we sort of experienced ourselves! It was super weird at first, and it took a while to convince my host that the newbie was actually there. So basically, this is a combination of two things- for one, roughly a third of tulpas (that're aware they're tulpas, ahdhsf I'll find the statistic link later) are unintentional, which means you go through the process of tulpa creation without actually realizing you're doing it. (This is kinda common in writers!) So it's definitely not an unheard of thing! The second part is that once you've made your first tulpa, you've already gone through a lot of the initial mental training it takes to make the jump to being polyconscious. It's a *lot* easier to make a second tulpa than the first. You spent so long thinking about them and wanting them around that they ended up here!

RE: getting a lot of people eventually, we don't exactly have a lotta control over that cuz we're also disordered, but we definitely have some tips if you're not comfortable expanding your system that shhoouuulldd work better if you don't have big dissociation and memory issues.

One, try to focus on what you have and avoid daydreaming about having new headmates. Try not to let yourself have consistent "characters" you imagine in situations, or what it might be like to have x fictive, or whatever- there's a saying that goes something like, "people are gonna think about a red truck if you tell em not to think about a red truck, but if you tell em to think about a purple bear instead of a red truck they're gonna have more success" or something like that. Focus on doing other things with the headmates you have instead.

Two, and this helps more with fictives for us, but if you feel a certain identity or set of emotions or perspectives or whatever is starting to get a bit intense and might gain autonomy, try associating those feelings or identity with yourself or another (consenting) headmate in the system as much as possible. Like oh that's so relatable or this character is so me, etc etc. Connect em with an identity that already exists if u can. Like for example, my host's trying to avoid a fictive coming from their past life lately by confronting and associating themselves with it as much as possible. That way the separation is eliminated before it can really take hold.

Three, if you feel the need to still ""do tulpamancy"" that isn't just living regular life with ur tulpas, try expanding your range of skills! Imposition is an awesome skill with practice, as well as things like headspace immersion, holding onto front as a non-host for a long time, and more. There're tons more heights you can reach!

Good luck, anon!

[silvertws]

You know what? At this point I have more written posts than fanarts... I mean, I could post old ones, but idk if it would make sense you know? Anyway.

You may wonder, is this gonna be another Steve Saga or something post?

Oh no, I may be hyperfixated, but I still do love other fandoms, even if they are dead.

Speaking on dead fandoms.

Hi Origins Crew fandom :}

How are y'all doing? How's the feeling of never knowing what was supposed to happen to your favorite character in OoO, SNO,SAO...? Oh and the unfinished storylines in MHO? FTO? do we wanna talk about the cliffhanger in OZ? I mean, luckily some people posted videos about how the storyline was going to go, so at least we got that.

(to clarify, I'm not mad at anyone who was part of the Origins Crew DW, I could never)

Anyway.

Some backstory on how I started watching Origins.

It was summer of 2019 I think? Pretty sure at least, I know it was before I started highschool because I sucked at English before I started watching Origins.

Anyway.

First series was OoO S1 from Brandon's POV, at least that's the first video that got recommended to me, I'm unsure what episode it was, I can't remember if it was before or after the Aphrodite's ball (we don't talk about those, you guys know why. You know.) So I'm not sure if I even watched it all, but I think at the time I did go back to watch it from the first episode.

Anyway POVS right? With OoO S1 I watched Brandon (*cough cough* Brandeen), Jakey, Brian, Colin and some of Xylo.

And can I just say... IT'S BEEN 3 SEASONS, 3 SEASONS IT TOOK TO GET RID OF A FUCKING SWORD, A SWORD, COME ON. AND WHY THE FUCK, CAN SOME PEOPLE COME BACK TO LIFE, AND OTHERS CAN'T, WHAT PLOT ARMOR IS THIS- Istg that was probably the most annoying thing of them all, nothing against the creators, again I feel like I need to clarify! But it's just my personal dumb opinion that I hope nobody takes offense to???

Anyway.

I feel like I should make a post for every Origins Series I've watched, but idk if that would make sense lol TwT

Besides my personal preferences when it came to all the series, I am very grateful to the Origins Crew, they're the reason I'm here today, the reason I know English and they were the first group that really opened my eyes when it came to the LGBTQ+ community and helped me discover myself.

I know that from an outside point of view it might seem dumb, but I do owe a lot to them, all of them, even the ones who left a year before Origins dismantled, even the ones who joined just before people went their separate ways.

Because even if people might say that the storylines were dumb or maybe cliche (which, in some cases they definitely were) in the end, I still loved every moment of it, every episode every dumb character who didn't make any sense or that was weirdly overpowered (I REALLY want to specify which ones but I don't want the whole fandom to come at me, please, any fandom but this one) but to be fair they kinda all were in some way? Or at least had the potential to in my opinion.

I'm not good at keeping a conversation stick to one topic, I tend to sideline pretty often and I apologize for that. TwT

Also idk if it's just me, but when I find a group of people there's always that one that for some unknown reason I just like more and that one who I dislike, again, for no specific reason, just the vibes???

Like for Hermitcraft and Empires it's Pearl, for Fable it's Ulysses, (I love this fish boy with all my heart if anything happens to him I will cry) for Origins it was Colin and Brandon, don't ask why, I have no idea, I just did, still do consider them my favorites.

I kept watching content from the Origins creators after everything went down. Including the drama with some of the creators I suppose... (I still don't understand most of it)

From Devi Devi Academy/anarchy to Glitch generation, to My Hero Eternity, I watched some of the Fnaf content Bryan made just for the nostalgia.

Holy fuck how I miss these fuckers.

Like it was the whole dynamic they had in the group, the mini games videos in character were so entertaining to watch! Especially the crossovers, I tend to rewatch them from time to time even tho I know basically everything by memory at this point.

Honestly they really inspired me when it came to creating my own storylines, and roleplaying, some people may call it cringe, and I get it, but I still think it's fun.

It's been a year.

Well, more technically, but I didn't have Tumblr at the time of the anniversary I suppose? Can you even call it that?

The Origins fandom never felt too big, in my life I've only talked to one other person who knew about them, and it was pretty fun, we watched the uh.. second episode of my Hero Eternity together making theories and stuff, talking about my hero Origins and wondering which characters canonically knew that you know, mr "I killed both my bio parents" was actually alive. (Which from what we know, Flex knows, and I think Colin, not sure tho, because in the 3rd episode, when they were interrogating the hero, our edgy boy mentioned how he had an old "friend" who could get information and data really easily, and now, we all know Mario definitely wouldn't do that plus, did he even interact with the L.O.V.E. as a whole? I don't think so? So the only option that makes sense to me is Colin)

Anyway I drifted away from the concept once again because once I start talking I won't ever stop.

This is a long post, as usual, cause I write a lot when it comes to things I'm passionate about.

I'm very attached to Origins, all the characters, all the storylines, all the silly little things. And I'm never going to stop missing it I suppose? Not in a "omg how dare they break the group apart blabla blabla..." No, I'm just very nostalgic when it comes to it.

I owe everything to them, part of who I am today is because of them.

PS: if anybody wants to talk about this fandom I suppose, please do, please let's start a conversation. I have so many things to say.

Like you know in SNO when people didn't know Lucas and Brandon were SIBLINGS???? and they SHIPPED THEM??? yeah, hi it's me, I'm the problem it's me, HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU JUST DROP A BOMB LIKE THAT ON THE LAST EPISODE MAN, AND HOW DID I NOT EXPECT IT????? luckily for me, mine was very much platonic shipping, so uhhh yay??? Don't come for me guys, it was years ago, please ToT Also I did kinda Ship Lucas with uhh was it also called Jakey???? I don't remember anymore my friend will probably remember this because when the series was happening I'd just go on and ramble about the fact that I didn't know who I should have shipped with the angel boy.

Man shipping anyone in any of those series was HELL, LET ME TELL YOU, HELL. ABSOLUTE HELL, HOLY FUCK THIS IS WHY I DON'T SHIP CHARACTERS AT ALL.

Ok actual PS now:

Please, let's all sit and chat in front of a glass of tumbjuice/tomb juice??? (idk how to spell that, don't come for me) and not get cursed by anything while we do so.

Let's just vibeeeeeee :D

[xxlady-lunaxx]

I think I'm in love with you | {KokuZan}

Theme: Fluff

Muzan was absolute shit at expressing his feelings. This was a fact. A fact that Muzan used as an excuse to not say a thing to Kokushibo whenever he got close to saying he loved him. In fact, he wasn't even sure if this was love or if this was just admiration or something for his strongest Uppermoon.

Eventually, though, he decided it must be love because there was no way admiration meant thinking of Kokushibo nearly every second of every day, longing to be with him, watching him carefully when he was around, having his own heartbeat quicken just at the sound of Kokushibo's voice, and imagining things he shouldn't be thinking about him.

It was maddening, but Muzan got used to after a while. Kind of. ..Not really. Well, no. He didn't get used to it. In fact, around Kokushibo, he got flustered each time more and more. But he was sure nobody could tell. Well, he wanted nobody to be able to tell. Of course, that wasn't the case. 

As it turns out, everybody BUT Kokushibo had noticed it and Muzan, who had decided to read his Uppermoon's minds to find out who knew or suspected, had found that out to his dismay. Then, in his panic, he'd gone to Kokushibo—too nervous to read his mind—and said, "Do you know, too..?"

Kokushibo was utterly perplexed and it brought Muzan at temporary ease that Kokushibo didn't know. And then panic again because everyone else knew. Even Nakime who was only present at the meetings because they were held at the Infinity Fortress.

Muzan confronted all of them one at a time, deciding that it would be embarrassing to face all of them at once. He started with Nakime who was already there.

"Nakime. Do you.. can you say absolutely nothing to Kokushibo?" he said, less of a request and more of a plead.

"Hm? Ah, yes, of course, Master," she agreed, appearing not to be surprised at all by this question.

Muzan, confirming that she wasn't lying by reading her mind, had went off to find the next demon and had found Douma first before he found Daki. So he went to him and said, almost sternly, "Douma, what are you doing out here in the woods?"

"This is near my cult, Master," Douma had said, bowing. 

"Right. Anyways, don't say anything to Kokushibo."

"What?" The Uppermoon had been quite confused and Muzan had to face the humiliating explanation as he tried to tell Douma what he meant without making it sound so fucking obvious. "Ohh! Right, right! Okay!" Douma said, almost cheerfully.

"Good." And off to the next Uppermoon Muzan had fled, his face still pink from having to explain.

He found Hantengu next who, as it turns out, only his clones had know about it and he was completely clueless until Muzan had ended up cutting him in half and had told the clones what he meant, much to Hantengu's confusion.

Next was Gyokko because he decided that he didn't particularily want to pay a visit to the Entertainment District yet so he found himself in a room full of paint and clay and pots and so much more he couldn't bother identifying. He found Gyokko under a bunch of pots, painting something so intricately and carefully that when Muzan had cleared his throat, Gyokko had flinched and ruined the whole painting. He didn't get mad, at least not out loud, and only just bowed—or however he bowed, Muzan thought.

"You will not say a single thing to Kokushibo or I'll personally see to that you're held in the sun with burning poles stuck through your head," Muzan growled.

Gyokko, trembling at this but also in wonder, had nodded. 

Muzan had found that Gyokko tended to talk about everything and anything whenever he wanted so he had to make a threat to it as well or else Gyokko might not pay attention. He'd decided that he didn't have to clarify to Gyokko what he meant and he could just forbid him from speaking to him at all.

"Good. Now I'll let you get back to your useless pottery." Muzan had left, noting Gyokko's sudden mood change at that, and headed off to the last Uppermoon, Daki. Or, rather, Daki and Gyutaro.

He found them easily and waited for Daki to come back from killing some random woman before he insisted she said not a word of what she knew to Kokushibo. She'd agreed, of course, but had seemed almost giddy at the fact that Muzan had somewhat admitted that he liked Kokushibo and she'd waved at him as he left.

~~~

Now, Muzan was in his office, lighting a fire in the fire place and sitting down, muttering to himself. He felt a presence moving closer and he jolted, looking up. It was Kokushibo.

There was a knock at the door and Muzan considered if he should let him in or not for about half a second before he said, "Enter."

Kokushibo did, and Muzan was about to read his mind then decided against it because maybe Kokushibo had found out and if he did he didn't want to know what he thought of it. Though if he'd found out, who had told him..? Maybe someone before he'd warned them not to? Probably not, though, because he would've known from reading their mind. 

"Yes? What is it you want?" he asked, leaning back on his chair, trying to seem casual, unbothered. But of course he wasn't. His heart was racing and he was barely mantaning his face from flushing red. He pretended he was taking his hat off just because he could, but it was more of when he did there was a gentle and temporary push of the air that let him feel a little cooler but really his temperature would sky-rocket if he didn't stop it somehow. He probably could do it easily but his mind was only focused on Kokushibo right now.

Kokushibo bowed upon entering, apparently clueless on how Muzan was feeling. He was quiet at first then he said, "I.. I heard that.. Uhm."

Muzan raised an eyebrow, curious. Kokushibo looked slightly flushed but probably because he'd come to see Muzan without being called over—not that Muzan minded, it made him feel like Kokushibo viewed him as someone he wanted to talk to. On the other hand, this might be because he'd found out his secret.

"Yes?"

"You.. could read my mind, no?" Kokushibo suggested.

And with that, Muzan did, letting down the mental barrier he'd created to avoid hearing his Uppermoon's thoughts. He took a second to get used to the extra sound in his mind before he sorted through Kokushibo's most recent memories. He saw Kokushibo talking to someone, appearing to be buying something. He was paying? No, Kokushibo later discarded of that human. He went to look for the next memory but found Kokushibo had started thinking of something in the past. It was with.. Tamayo. The traitorous woman. Kokushibo was there as well. He was talking to Tamayo. What for? Oh. He didn't realize Tamayo wasn't on Muzan's side. 

Apparently Kokushibo had been interested in Muzan. Not the way Muzan liked Kokushibo now, of course. More interest in, like, just everything he might need to know about Muzan. He started off with the questions most humans think of asking first—such as birthday, favorite things, etc. Clearly this was right after Kokushibo had turned into a demon otherwise he'd have asked things more as what were Muzan's powers. He was still getting used to all of it.

Tamayo had known a lot of Muzan simply because Muzan had shared whatever he wanted with her because she was always so quiet and just let him rant on about whatever was on his mind. Like, he never found it a comfort simply found it amusing. Especially if he talked about something simple and then dumped a whole bucket of gore-filled stories on her. The way she flinched and grew pale and looked away gave him a sense of entertainment and he would do this often.

Muzan had also told her his birthday, something he'd never given a shit about but had known simply because he'd seen other children when he was younger have theirs celebrated so he'd counted down till his, wondering if ever his parents would surprise him with his. They never did, of course, but he always counted ever year anyways. 

And apparently today was his, what? 1000th birthday? He'd lost count. But from Kokushibo's thoughts, apparently he'd remembered and bought something for Muzan's birthday—which Muzan was confused since he didn't particularily care about birthday or gifts or anything. But any sort of thing from Kokushibo he'd treasure so it was alright.

"Ah, I see," he said, after a bit of silence. He blocked Kokushibo's thoughts from his mind again and cleared his throat. "Uhm, thank you..?

Kokushibo nodded, not looking at Muzan, then placed a bag in front of him on the desk. Muzan tried to appear unphazed by this and sat up as casually as he could, trying not to look curious. He took the bag and opened it finding a small velvet box at the bottom. He raised an eyebrow at Kokushibo then took it out.

"I.. I wasn't sure what you liked, and I once saw you looking towards this one jewlery shop—though you might've been just looking at the people and not the store—but regardless, I got you.. that," Kokushibo explained as Muzan opened the box and found a ring inside of it. 

He knew that this was just Kokushibo finding something and giving it to him but he couldn't help it as he flushed and his heart beat faster. This was what humans gave each other when they proposed, and he was sure Kokushibo didn't mean that but he would like to think that. He turned his face away, placing the ring and the box carefully on his desk. He took a deep breath, making sure his face was composed, then turned back to the Uppermoon, nodding. "It's lovely," he started, the quickly shook his head. That sounded weird. "No, I mean, it's nice, yes, thank you, Kokushibo, uhm." God why was he stuttering? Fuck this. "Why don't you sit down, uh, here, of course. Chair. There's a chair there. Sit on the chair. Why don't you sit on the chair?" he said. He wished he could crawl in a hole. He was so awkward and he was sure Kokushibo noticed. 

But if he did, he said nothing. As the multi-eyed demon settled down on the chair across from Muzan's and waited. Muzan busied himself with lighting another match and throwing it into the fire place to keep it burning, then turned back to his demon, pretending that the way his face was tinted pink was simply from being close to the fire.

"Uhm." Muzan couldn't think of what to say, so the two sat quietly, unsure of what to do. 

Kokushibo fidget in his chair, confused from Muzan's behaviour. Why was he acting like this? Whatever it was, he wished that something would happen to fill in the silence that grew with each passing second. 

Then Muzan gave up and said, quietly though so Kokushibo could barely hear, "What do you see me as?" 

"What?" Kokushibo asked, looking up.

"What do you see me as?" Muzan repeated, a little louder.

"Oh- Uhm.. My Master..?" Kokushibo suggested, a little confused.

"Oh." Muzan paused. There was the urge to tell him again. Tell him he loved him. Should he do it? Even if Kokushibo didn't like him back he could always just force him into a relationship. Though that wouldn't be genuine and Muzan decided he would prefer it to be real. And so he pondered what might happen if he admitted it then just caved in, deciding to say it. Worst case scenario, Kokushibo didn't like him back. He sighed quietly then said, all in one breath, "IthinkI'minlovewithyou."

Kokushibo blinked. "Huh?"

"I think I'm in love wi.. You know what, fuck this," Muzan said, standing up and moving to the side of the table Kokushibo sat at. He grabbed Kokushibo's face and kissed him, letting his thoughts enter Muzan's mind.

Kokushibo was shocked and at first Muzan heard nothing of his mind. But then there was an explosion of thoughts and Muzan was relieved to hear a couple of them being not of shock but of some sort of.. happiness? Kokushibo kissed back and then Muzan let go and he was about to move away but Kokushibo's arms were around his body and then he was engulfed in a hug. 

"Oh!" he whispered, burying his face in the crook of Kokushibo's neck.

"M..Muzan-Sama," Kokushibo started, his arms still wrapped around Muzan. "I think I love you too."

{Word count: 2118}

The wheel's choice was: Presents, Confessions, Warmth, Cuddling

:D

[nami-writes]

[ an apple | a day | (keeps the doctor) away ]

content warnings: abuse (w/ belt), starvation, begging, breakdown, crying, emeto, bad caretaker, brief suicidal ideation, self-injury (banging head against surface)

“Able to eat your lunch today?” Guard asks as soon as the previous guard rounds the corner. He brought two sandwiches today. After almost two weeks of offering Villain an apple for lunch, he finally decided that just an apple a day isn’t enough edible food to survive. No wonder all Villain does all day is sit slumped against the wall or laid on the floor. He can’t have enough energy to move much more.

“...Enough,” Villain mumbles. “Can I just, um, save it? For dinner. Dinner’s… harder.”

“No apple today. It wouldn’t be enough for dinner anyway.” Through the bars, he sees Villain’s face fall. “I meant I brought a sandwich instead.”

Confusion. “Oh.” Then his eyes light up just a little bit. “A… a sandwich?”

“Yeah. I usually eat one for lunch.” He holds one of the sandwiches up in front of the bars. “You sure you wanna save it for dinner?”

“Yes,” Villain says eagerly, “yes, please, sir.”

He shrugs. “If you say so.”

Villain doesn’t offer any more conversation. Fine by him. He assumes his position to the side of the door.

He has a much longer shift today. The night shift guard quit yesterday on too-short notice, just hours after news of the heroes’ latest loss spread. They needed a night shift guard and nobody else was up to the job. Guard accepted on the condition that he gets a break to eat dinner. So today, he stays overnight and goes home in the morning. He hopes sleeping in this morning will help him stay awake for the next couple of hours.

He eats one half of his sandwich as slowly as he can, just to drag out the time he spends eating it, but it doesn’t help. He eats the second half normally.

When that’s gone, he scrolls on his phone to pass the time. He hopes there’s no reason to be worried Villain will try anything stupid anymore, now that Guard is his only source of decent food.

Headlines on the heroes’ failure yesterday flood his screen as far as he can scroll. Something about a building destroyed in a fight, and not just because of the fight— intentionally used as a shield while people were still inside. An article clarifies what details are known; Supervillain beamed it down to get to the heroes hiding behind it. They couldn’t save the people inside the building and capture Supervillain at the same time. In the end, they accomplished neither.

That explained why they were all so worn out upon their return yesterday. They even seemed snappy when asking Guard to take the night shift. Unprofessional, he has to admit. They shouldn’t have been fighting anywhere near populated buildings anyway, much less using one as a shield.

The comments under the article are filled with criticism and concern. A few also work for the heroes and want to go on strike, force them to do more to repair the damage done. He shuts off his phone.

Villain lies motionless on the floor save for the rise and fall of his chest. Guard still can never tell when he’s awake. “Hey. You look like shit.”

His breathing stills and he opens his eyes. He looks like he’s torn between confusion and fear, like he isn’t sure if Guard is mad.

He gets to the point. “You sure you don’t want to eat now?” he asks. “Your sandwich is cut in half, you could have half now and half for dinner.”

“No,” he says too quickly, sitting up. “I-I won’t have enough for dinner. I just… want to save it until then. Please. Sir.”

He frowns. “Why is it so difficult for you to eat the food here anyway? I mean, it looks awful but it has to be edible, right?”

“Feel sick,” he mumbles.

“Every time you eat?”

He nods. He doesn’t elaborate.

“Why? Is the food really just that bad?”

He shrugs.

“Well, that’s helpful.”

“Sorry— I’m sorry, sir,” he says in a panic at Guard’s sarcasm. “I just— I-I don’t know, I swear. I don’t want to, to throw up every meal, I just, um, I can’t help it, I… they p-punish me for it, I’m not trying to— I wouldn’t do it if I could help it.”

He’s practically pleading for Guard to believe him at this point and Guard regrets the sarcasm. “Okay, I get it, I get it. You don’t know. I was just curious.”

“I-I’m not doing it to get food out of you, if— if that’s what you think—”

“I said I get it, alright?” Guard almost snaps but manages to keep his calm. It’s not that serious. Villain is just scared. “It’s fine.”

Villain swallows his concerns. “Yes sir. I… I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Maybe he shouldn’t have relied on Villain to help him pass the time. Now he’s just annoyed.

He can tell Villain wants to apologize again, probably beg for forgiveness too, but he steps away from the window and out of sight. Villain gets the message.

His dinner arrives some time later and Guard slides it under the door. Villain stares painfully at the tray. Then Guard slips in the bagged sandwich and Villain’s eyes light up with surprise.

“You— you’re still—?”

“What?”

Villain grasps at the words. “I thought— y-you seemed mad, I didn’t think— I thought you weren’t going to give me the sandwich, because I… I made you mad.”

“Christ, Villain, I’m not that petty,” he scoffs. “Just eat.”

Villain nods eagerly, picking up the sandwich. “Yes, sir!”

He checks the time. One of the heroes should be getting here anytime now to take his place so he can eat his own dinner.

Minutes pass and down the hall someone turns the corner. Hero. Finally. He walks down to meet him halfway, exchanges a polite nod and his thanks for taking over for a bit, and makes his way to the kitchen.

He’s not used to this kitchen, so he digs in the refrigerator and cabinets for something quick and easy to make. He settles for boxed macaroni and cheese. It takes barely half an hour to finish eating before he’s heading back to Villain’s cell.

And heading toward the sound of a familiar voice begging for mercy.

“Please! Please, I'm sorry!” Guard hears a snap and cries of pain. “I'm s-sorry! I won’t do it again, swear, I swear! I'm sorry, please, please!”

Guard breaks into a sprint. It’s undeniably Villain, and Hero is supposed to be watching him. Nobody else is in the hall. Did someone get past him?

Hero isn’t standing outside the cell when Guard gets there. Instead, the door is open and Hero’s back is to him, bright supersuit eerie in the dark cell. His arm is held up only to come down with the snap of what Guard is sure is a whip. Where the hell he got a whip from, Guard doesn’t know or care. “Hero? What’s going on?”

“Guard,” Hero turns and greets him halfheartedly. It’s not a whip. It’s a belt. “Where’d the sandwich come from?”

Villain’s cowering behind him, shirt off exposing his marred back streaked with blood as he sobs. Both halves of the barely-eaten sandwich sit on the floor by Hero’s feet, crushed under a dirty footprint. A pool of vomit dries next to Villain.

He forgot. He forgot. He isn’t supposed to be giving Villain food and he gave him the sandwich just before he switched out with Hero. They’re caught.

Still, Guard frowns, hardening his expression. “Me. I gave it to him.”

“I’m giving you one warning,” Hero scowls. “Your job is to guard this piece of shit. Not to mess with his diet. We keep him malnourished so he can’t break out and start wreaking havoc with Supervillain. Do this again, put everyone in this city at risk again, and I’ll put you in this cell myself.”

Anger twists in Guard’s gut but he holds his mouth in a tight line. “Understood.”

“Good.” He holds the belt out to him. “You want to finish him off?”

Villain’s eyes snap up and the pure terror and desperation behind the tears send a chill down Guard’s spine. “No. Thanks.”

“Suit yourself.”

Hero threads the belt back through the loops on his pants and walks out, shutting the door behind him. “I’ll send a doctor in tomorrow night to make sure he doesn’t die.” He leaves without another word.

When Guard’s sure he's far enough away, he scrambles to unlock the door and rush inside, sidestepping the vomit. Villain’s crumpled in a ball on his knees, hands covering his head as he sobs. Fresh red welts and blood cover his back alongside old scars and bruises and what even looks like burn marks Guard has never seen.

“N-no more,” he whines pitifully. “Please, sir, please, no more, I'm sorry, I w-won’t do it again, I, I-I won’t, I won’t, please!”

He babbles inconsolably and trembles so hard Guard’s hesitant to touch him. He’s afraid the contact will make him blow up or fall apart, though right now it seems the latter is already happening.

“Please, ‘m sorry, s-sorry, I’m sorry…” Apologies fall out of his mouth almost faster than he can say them. It doesn’t seem like he’s going to stop.

“Hey,” he snaps his fingers, “it’s fine. Look. Hero’s gone. I’m not hurting you.” He doesn’t know what to do. This wasn’t in the job description. Maybe he shouldn’t have snapped his fingers— Villain isn’t a dog.

It gets his attention well enough, though. Fearful eyes lock onto Guard and his entire body freezes mid-plea, unsure whether to be even more terrified or relieved. Then he glances down at the puddle of vomit and the ruined sandwich and he settles for terror. “I’m sorry— I’m so sorry, I d-didn’t mean to, to get caught, I wasted t-the sandwich, he— he made me throw up so I c-couldn’t, couldn’t eat any of it, I couldn’t stop him, I’m s-sorry, I didn’t mean to waste it, I didn’t, I w-wasted it…”

He dissolves into sobs so incoherent Guard can’t make out words anymore. “It’s fine, Villain, really. It’s fine. It’s not your fault, I knew Hero was coming but I didn’t think ahead. I just, uh… god, what do I do? Should I leave you alone? Do you—”

“No,” he chokes out. “Please. Please, please don’t leave me. I-I don’t… I know I’m selfish, I s-shouldn’t ask, but— please. I can’t, I c-can’t do it anymore.”

“...Okay,” Guard says and sits down next to him. Careful not to touch the dirty shoe marks, he picks up each half of the sandwich and puts them both on the untouched dinner tray. “What can’t you do anymore?”

“I can’t stay here, I can’t stay like— like this,” he wails. “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, they won’t just let me die!” He slams a fist on the ground but when that doesn’t offer enough relief he bangs his head into the ground instead.

“Hey!” Guard’s hands shoot out to grab his shoulders and hold him back from a second attempt. “Shit! Don’t do that!”

He flinches hard at the sudden hold on him and almost twists away but thinks better of it. “Sorry, I’m s-sorry. I’m sorry.” He sniffles, wipes his eyes and then his face. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. Just stop apologizing. And don't do that again.” Villain gives a small nod in response and Guard takes his hands off of him. For a second, he thinks Villain tries to follow his touch.

It’s pitiful. It’s awful, really. Villain has been here for a while, around a year or two before Guard came around, but details of his captivity have never been released. Now he sees why. He’s a husk of the villain he once was. He’s a husk of the person he once was, and just two weeks ago he wouldn’t have seen Villain as a person at all.

“I, uh… I want to help,” he starts. He doesn’t know where he’s going with this.

“You can’t.” Though his voice is hoarse, Villain says it so simply. “The only way you could help is if you broke me out, and… you can’t do that. You won’t.”

“Give me a day.”

They’re both surprised at the declaration, but Guard doubles down.

“One day, and I’ll have you out by tomorrow night,” he says. “That’s all I need.”

Villain stares. “But— you’ll lose your job. I-I’m a criminal, you’ll get yourself in trouble with the law and with the Heroes, it’ll just be a waste of your time and they’ll catch me anyway and hurt us both and—”

“Hey, calm down,” he says before Villain can spiral further. “I’ll… figure something out. Just trust me.”

He knows it’s unconvincing but Villain swallows as he contemplates the offer. He searches Guard’s face for any sign of a lie. “Don't— please don't give me hope. You’re the only… nobody's been k-kind to me in, in so long, and you— you don’t know what the Heroes can do.”

“Other than beat you?” The blood trickles down his back now that he’s sitting up.

“This isn’t the worst of it,” he mumbles. “This isn’t that bad at all.”

“You’re bleeding,” Guard counters. “You might get an infection sitting in this dirty cell. You should go to the infirmary. We shouldn’t wait until tomorrow, maybe they can—”

“No!” He recoils like Guard hit him. “No, don’t, please, don’t take me to the infirmary. Please, they’ll just make it worse.”

He holds up his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay. Fine. I won't take you there. But you should get your injuries checked out. Your back doesn't look good.”

“It’s fine,” he almost pleads. “It's not that bad. It’ll be fine. I don’t need the infirmary. And I don't need Hero to send a doctor. I just… I just need everything to stop.”

“...Okay,” Guard sighs. “Okay. Just give it a day.”

Villain nods, resigned, and then guiltily eyes the drying vomit. “The, um, janitor should be coming soon. ‘M sorry, about that. I didn't mean to, I didn't… I didn't know you'd be coming back.”

“Don't be. I get it. Night shift was news to me too.”

He leaves Villain to curl up on his side in the cell. He's right; the janitor comes soon enough, cleans up what hasn't dried to the floor already and takes the tray with uneaten prison food and the stomped-on sandwich. All that's left to prove any of this ever happened is the new stain on the floor that'll soon blend in with the old ones and the welts on Villain’s back that'll be gone in a few days. To Guard, this was an awful thing to witness, but to Villain, this must've just been a regular fucking Tuesday. He doesn't even know how often this really happens.

Still, at least Guard was here this time. At least he could be here for Villain, just this one time.

[daydreaming-scheming-demon]

how can people make friends so easily? how the fuck is it even possible to make a friend? or even do anything with anyone? i've heard stories of ppl who can just have casual sex with strangers and im just thinking, how the fuck is that possible? i can't even get someone to want to talk to me, the online world has been the only place where i even have a chance to hold a conversation.

i've listened to people's fucking advice on how to make friends and none of it works. they say "oh, well if u keep showing up to the same group of people or whatever eventually u're sure to make some friends" and NO, THAT DOES NOT FUCKING WORK. they just turn you into a background character. they're not interested in anything you have to say or do, they tune you out, i've seen it.

when we went bowling i was put in a lane all by myself because the lane everyone was playing on was full. i've been kept out of playing mario party because there weren't enough controllers. ive sat through an entire dnd session without doing anything besides looking at a letter because the dm forgot about me.

i shouldn't even be mad about any of that. because if im gonna be honest with myself, even if i were put in the same lane as everyone, even if i were able to join in on mario party, even if i were included more in the dnd session, i highly doubt i would've been able to make any friends anyway. because that's just the kind of person i am. it's not like i don't try to force myself to be included, ppl just seem to naturally push me away.

and just to clarify, they don't push me away in the "i don't like you" kind of way, they push me in away in the "i don't care for you" kind of way. and honestly, i think id rather they hated me. because at least then they would care about me.

i thrive much better in the online world, but even then i still feel like i'm missing a manual on how friends are supposed to be made. i see people on steam with thirty something friends, and although im aware most are likely not very close to the person, im still very much all "how the fuck did u meet all those people".

i can't even remember the last time i had physical contact. i would hug my therapist but due to reasons beyond my control ive only been able to have online sessions with her.

quite a while ago i had an online friend who i'd talk with quite a lot. she was so nice to me, always brightened me up. we'd talk for hours about each other's troubles and such. we knew each other ever since i was 15 and she was 14. she was the only thing keeping me sane through all those years. but almost a year ago now, she ghosted me. i still don't know why she did it, she never said anything. i can still see her online, she just avoids me. this ruined me. i was only left to assume the worst, that there was something wrong with me, and i didnt know what.

now i freak out over being ignored, i convince myself everyone secretly hates me. i know im probably wrong, it's not all about me. but i can't stop myself from thinking the worst. i fixate over if anyone will ghost me like she did. im trying to get over this, slowly but hopefully surely.

i have massive amounts of self hatred that feel impossible to get over. i cant think of a day where i havent told myself i hate myself, and recently ive been telling myself to kill myself more frequently. i want anyone who says "how can you expect others to love you when you can't even love yourself" to go die in a volcano. by the time i'm able to solve this self hatred problem i'd probably have already died from loneliness.

for fuck's sake, im venting on tumblr to whoever happens to see this. because i have nobody to fucking go to to express these feelings. i have nobody, so im venting to fucking tumblr. fuck.

i just wish i had someone.

[chaosmenu]

ok but aside from that particular interaction, on a larger scale theres a lot of fearmongering about animal testing (mostly perpetuated by animal rights organizations eg peta) thats just factually incorrect and very concerning. like i do have to ask who benefits from this debate and the only feasible conclusion is people who want to either halt developments in biology and medicine or bring human experimentation back because that is the reason why we started doing animal testing. so that we could continue to do science without hurting or killing real human people. (to clarify: im not saying that everyone that contributes to this disinformational campaign against animal testing is a catholic conservative conspiracist afraid of changes in science or someone who likes human experimentation, but i Am saying that all political stances have an end goal and this one only has two outcomes)

in any case. i wont proselytize to you about how animals having a role in human society is not a bad thing and other such animal welfare talking points. BUT i will say that scientists are not a bunch of evil people in lab suits who like to hurt animals for fun. we have many many laws and guidelines in place to ensure animals used in experimentation (usually rodents btw ie rats & mice. people kill rats all the time in much more violent ways but nobody cares about that. anyway) are treated well. these codes (which include federal & state regulations, humane organization regulations, industry standards, etc) are updated all the time as we learn more about how animals process the world

idk it just feels like making up a guy to get mad at

[aronarchy]

[image ID: a screenshot of a Tumblr interaction.

On May 3, someone posted, “[cloud emoji]: [redacted] blinkies <3 anti abuse only plz,” with six blinkies, captioned “all made at blinkie.cafe”

On June 2, critical-collective reblogged the original post. A third person reblogged this reblog, saying, “Many of those you would consider pro-abuse would consider themselves anti-abuse, and I can firmly say that even without knowing your stance. Sorry, but this is literally the same as ‘basic DNI,’ ‘DNI shitheads.’”

critical-collective reblogged from the third person, adding the tags, “#tbh i didnt even see that anti abuse thing when i first rbed #i was just captivated by the rolal blinkie #but rbing for that addition #also important to say that you cant really control who uses the things you post to public domain”

/end image ID]

I’ve been seeing this take more and more often among people I would consider friends/closely acquainted comrades, and I strongly disagree. It’s kind of worrying, actually. I’d wanted to address this earlier, and even started drafting this post weeks ago, but unfortunately stress + ADHD made me unable to actually finish writing it until now.

I remember seeing a similar sentiment around here from this following set of answers to anons. I hadn’t wanted to say anything about those answers at the time, because I was triggered and distressed, and thought it wasn’t really important enough of an issue to make a fuss about. But I think I’ll talk about it now, and I’ll also take this chance to address these in the same post, because they run on similar faulty logics.

[image ID: three asks sent to a person (not through Tumblr) about 1 month ago.

The first ask:

I see that many [[people in a certain community/demographic] think that [thing which is a form of sexual abuse] does not count as real sexual abuse,] but [they see that] others unfortunately [are] being real victims of predators and get sexually abused [(what does count as “real sexual abuse” under their framework)], so although wouldn't it be more logical to be anti-abuse than anti-[term for a set of behaviors which all constitute abuse (we believe we are correct in considering them to be abuse), though the aforementioned individuals believe that only some of them are abuse)]?

answer:

“Anti abuse” sounds like “anti bad things, pro good things” to me.

second ask:

Are you not anti bad things pro good things?

answer:

I try not to define my political positions in ways that describe my attitude more than what I actually want.

third ask:

But some people do think abuse is good, even things they themselves consider “abuse” (with that word).

answer:

Most people I’ve come across agreed with me that abuse is bad. We just defined abuse differently. And that, together with how sensationalized the concept of abuse is and how easily people get aggressive at the slightest implication that they support abuse, makes me not want to use this word as often. There are other ways to say the same thing.

Some portions have been redacted. The text in brackets was edited in by me to clarify context or make things easier to read.

/end image ID]

(I’m aware that this might make the OPs feel attacked. To clarify, I don’t intend this as an attack of some sort, just as a way to air my disagreements and frustrations and possibly provide useful information or arguments. Usually I don’t say anything at all when a friend/close acquaintance says something which I find problematic, because I don’t want to make people mad/upset at me, and feel like nobody would agree anyway. I’m not mad and don’t want any apologies; just bringing up points for consideration.)

It’s very important to me that people do not confuse what “should” be done from what “can” be done. It’s true, for example, that it’s difficult to truly have control over who reuses your designs you post to Tumblr. That doesn’t, however, make it wrong for you to wish for your creations to be reshared in respectful and ethical ways. Is it actually wrong for someone to violate a “do not use this if you are X”? I don’t know; the ethical considerations surrounding boundaries regarding non-direct interactions like these are far more ambiguous and difficult to determine. That doesn’t mean, however, that we should use doomer arguments—the logic of “you can’t enforce this, which is why you should not expect (want) people to respect this” itself can be applied to anything. Including boundaries that are much more obviously obligatory to respect. Leaving this open is dangerous. A similar set of arguments applies to DNIs in general.

And is it wrong for, say, a bigot to interact with a marginalized person who says “people bigoted against my identity DNI”? IMO, yes, but not really because I’d say “all DNIs are always inherently wrong to violate”; it’s because a bigot, with the beliefs they hold, makes those marginalized people unsafe. But the very same DNIs that are (pretty much) most unambiguously unethical to cross are also the ones which are hardest to enforce, because by definition bigots do not care about the boundaries of marginalized people. But, using this to argue against DNIs as a whole misunderstands the reason why many people say “[bigoted group] DNI.” They know that it’s not really enforceable without a block, but it sends a message: that this is what they want, and it indicates what they believe, and that they are likely hostile to bigotry. The same logic applies to abuse apologia.

This is in no way the same as things like “basic DNI criteria” or “DNI shitheads.” “Basic DNI criteria” and “shitheads” are nebulous, basically impossible to define universally, because they can’t be the same among everyone; they're by themselves vague and extremely subjective. But “abuse” is not such a term. Abuse is possible (arguably easy!) to define objectively, and one should expect people to adhere to a single definition of “abuse” (and believe that it exists). Of course most people don't agree on what constitutes “abuse”—and that is a problem, actually! Most people are abuse apologists; that’s not a good thing. Of course most people aren't the type of edgelord that’s unironically supportive of what they personally believe does constitute “abuse.” That doesn’t mean they’re not actually pro-abuse though; it means they’re wrong thinking some abuse isn’t real abuse. But the solution to that is not to cater to their abuse apologia, to coddle them and refuse to tell them the truth for the sake of some liberal ideals of “tolerance” for a “diversity of opinions.” Some opinions are not valid! Some opinions are harmful!

Bigots (in general) use the exact same tactics, rejecting labels like “racist” or “homophobe” when they’re accused of being such, because they don't believe what they’re promoting or doing “counts” as “real” bigotry or oppression. That doesn’t mean they're right about that. It also does not mean that people should stop saying “I don’t want [bigots] here” because “well what about the [un-self-aware bigots]!!” (They are un-self-aware bigots, not people who just happen to have a neutrally different and equally valid opinion on what constitutes bigotry.)

Ceding that the definition of abuse can reasonably/should be relativized is what abuse-relativizers (and abuse advocates/abusers in general) have been cheering on since forever. They believe that “abuse” is “simply a word to indicate nebulous individual feelings of perceiving Bad Things” because they support abuse and don’t view it as a serious issue specifically defined by exploitation of power/violation of autonomy which is inherently unethical, and view victims as lying, overreacting, contemptible, and unreliable witnesses to or interpreters of our own lives. They apply this view to victims/survivors all the time, dismissing our concerns as simply “subjective feelings” or Moral(tm) Judgment(tm), and cast this labeling as “demonization.”

The term abuse is “sensationalized” in most people’s minds BECAUSE of pervasive abuse culture and pro-abuse attitudes. Of course many people only believe that Actually Extremely Bad actions are “abusive”—they don’t have a good understanding of what abuse is! That is a very bad thing! It is one of the most important factors in making most abuse go undetected and most victims unsupported! (Meanwhile, the actual problem with the anon’s statement and beliefs went unaddressed, missing out on a useful opportunity, because the responder decided to focus completely on the wrong problem.)

I can’t really take this (the responses to the asks) as just some sort of personal preference indicator regarding terminology and comfort levels. It’s clearly a capitulation to abuse culture that fundamentally misunderstands the dynamics at play, and ultimately reinforces these problems.

Yes, much of abuse victim advocacy advises that (at first) you should not directly use the term “abuse” when telling someone that the abusive behaviors they’ve experienced were wrong or that their abuser is harming them. But that has never been a call to keep doing that forever, perceiving avoiding the term “abuse” (them having internalized their abuser’s abusive rhetoric) as some sort of good thing. It’s a crucial part of healing and breaking free from abuse to be able to understand that the abuse was in fact “abuse” and that abusers are abusers.

The word “abuse” is language extremely important to victims/survivors and anti-abuse activists. Abuse apologists’ fear of/aggressive opposition to being labeled abusers is a clear indicator and product of their own ignorance, entitlement, and oppressive ideologies. That makes it even more important to confront their problematic rhetoric and lack of understanding instead of defanging our ability to analyze and critique power dynamics and advocate for ourselves.

Everywhere I look I see people wanting to water down, co-opt, or constrain the language developed and used by survivors because nothing will satisfy them but, ultimately, complete silence. Everywhere people seem allergic to the term “abuse,” complaining that it is “too strong a word” and maybe you shouldn’t use it? I mean it’s kind of harsh/mean/too extreme/subjective/exaggerating/hysterical isn’t it? Just pick a different word!!! (No word ever truly satisfies.) I’m fucking tired of this bullshit and I don’t want traces of it to stick in places where I am supposed to feel safe and have my issues and my needs understood too.

(update: talked it out with the aforementioned third person; we mostly agree)

[420technoblazeit]

14-19 for the ask game! (@skyhighchibi)

oh god ok lemme check hte list. ik u probably meant like dsmp so i shoudl have clarified but im gonna do this for spn bc im brainrottign

14. that one thing you see in fics all the time

whenever someone writes gabe they always make him use the most godawful nicknames. he used nicknames like. maybe two or htree times and mostly just called sam sammy. nicknames are crowley's thing and he would NEVER use somethign as boring as samsquatch and i can never take it seriously

15. that one thing you see in fanart all the time

i feel like people are basically married to cas' wings being black or grey but i still really like hte blue wings headcanon. like a really dark navy blue or smth i feel like it'd fit

adn ik mark pellegrino said he saw lucifer's wings as bright pink as a joke but white would line up really well with the description of him being the perfect angel before his fall. maybe it gets singed and turns greyish or smth idk

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

cas said he liked bees ONCE when he was completely out of his mind from the cage sickness adn so many people latched onto it and treated it like it was a core part of his personality. it's like hte pie thing all over again

17. there should be more of this type of fic/art

literally any kind of drowley or crowstiel. please. im starvign. destiel's great and all but NONE of u want to talk abuot the other ships??? cowards

18. it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on...

nobody fucking talks about anna milton for some reason. everybody's always like ohhhhh cas was the angel who invented free will. no he fuckign wasn't. anna did not fall from grace and be reborn as a human and stand up against uriel and all of heaven for you to just forget about her. she literally inspired cas to rebel. anyway. i love her i miss her hse deserved better etc etc

19. you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

demon dean at the start of season 10. i still think they missed out not making him an actual villain but the idea of him instead representing dean's lingering resentment for the fact that he's basically been saddled with taking care of sam for his entire life is interesting and i wish the writers kept him around for longer and developed that characterization we've always seen hints of him feeling upset that he never got to leave the hunting life and go to university like he wanted but dean's also mature enough to realize that it definitely isn't sam's fault. which makes it complicated because not only is john dead now, he literally died selling his soul for dean. so to see some of that like. honestly very reasonable anger manifest towards sam when dean's soulless is sooooo. alsdhglhkasskdh

[pisces-magazine]

Double standard regarding toxic girlfriends

I was up thinking about my friend, trying to sleep. i was thinking about him and his girlfriend, who i really don't like.

i think they've dated for about three months. at first i didnt care about her, so it was fine. but then she did this thing. she minimized his feelings and the reason for them. she laughed at his distress, he called her out like "hey, you're my girlfriend, you should comfort me" and in that moment as much he called her a bad person, not really a heavy insult. so she called him VIOLENT and that she "couldn't be with someone violent so she needs time" (they made up in like 2 days after).

so yeah, ever since then i don't like her at all. but at all times i've kept my respect.

that week we had an upcoming hangout, and he asked if we minded her going, i said yes and the rest of the group didn't mind, but i think he thought my response was a joke, cause he brought her anyway. and i wanted to talk with him that day, in person, but i couldn't bc she was there.

and i can't text him cause they're together all the time, like almost everyday, if not every. and she's in both our groupchats, too. and a lot of times i thought it was him talking and it ended up being her "forgetting" to clarify it was her from his phone, even though she was in the same chat.

that's obviously controlling behaviour, but nobody batted an eye because of double standards.

and i care about him, a lot. im still yet to find out what the fuck happened, cause i dont even know how they made up.

i cant just forgive something like that. how bad she made him feel, and he forgives her cause he loves her.

i know it's hard.

so, we are gonna meet up this weekend. a friend casually asked if she was going too. i asked why would she if we didnt invite her. later i asked when we were gonna do something just among friends. just that. and she saw the texts and apparently got offended, my friend got mad at me and said that what i said "wasn't cool" and that i cant just say that knowing she's gonna see it and left the gc.

like bitch? why is she even there lmao? nobody invited her, just you. girl if you dont wanna see this, gladly leave. you wanted control your bf so bad well there you go hun.

bear me, it is past midnight.

and when i saw what happened i had just grabbed my phone to send some silly texts saying i can't sleep. and i was thinking, worried, about him. and he got mad at me?

i know being in love (or hormones) make people dumb, but it is just so frustrating.

and i still can't speak with him cause well, the phone situation is the same. oh, and he said he wan't going because "if we're gonna treat her like that, don't invite me" dude?

all i can think of is making a phone call when he gets off work. anyway dont really wanna talk to him now since he's probably angry still so he won't listen to me like this. and also he's probably cradling his gf rn.

and i feel worse now. im scared. the only time a friend got angry at me she abandoned me. im scared it will happen again. im scared i fucked it up again for caring too much, for watching out for those who i love.

god, and my friends apparently like her ??? even after what she did to him, god. how can they be so naive? if it were viceversa, if i had a boyfriend and he did that to me they would be all over me telling me he's toxic and that i should break up with him.

i feel so bad. i cant believe he's mad at me. fuck.

hope he listens to me.

hope he comes to his senses, please.