#anyway -_- i'm like. fine. it's just weird. bad brain moment

[anachronistic-falsehood]

snow storming outside im in my parents house im sitting in my mom's rokcing chair on my laptop suddenly it's march 2022 again and i'm home from college because i got in a car accident and my crippling anxiety worsened and i felt like throwing up if i was two hours away in my college dorm and had no one to rely on and was convinced i would die if i wasn't being supervised at all times of the day. so how are you guys doing

[littlepadika]

Good Man

warnings: no outbreak daddy Joel, ddlg, fem little 🙇‍♀️ , discussion of age play, meanie shamers, bad words

notes: based on an angsty dream i had. i needed daddy comfort 😭 idk if anyone reads daddy joel anymore but i hope you likie ❤️ 💕

"And he wanted me to call him daddy!" Your friend, Steph, shrieked causing everyone at the table to laugh. Everyone except for you who had been enjoying the story up until this point. Now you chewed your lip.

"I hate that, honestly." Your other friend, Olivia, said. "It's gross. Like... it's just gross."

You feel your face heat up. You try to think of something to say some retort.

"It's these older men who get off on it." Steph agreed. "It's like why can't they date women their own age. They're creeps"

"I don't know guys it's kind of hot." Elise, sitting to your right, leans forward and wiggles her eyebrows. You feel a bit of relief.

"Ew!" Steph laughed.

"I mean- like sexually. Not like all the time. That's too weird for me." And the relief was gone

"What do you think?" Elise turns to you.

You feel your face grow hot. Your brain already felt fuzzy from worrying about what to say. None of them knew about Joel. They knew you were with someone older but the nature of your relationship was totally private.

"I think- I think it's fine. If that's what people like and they consent to it."

"So diplomatic." Olivia snickered. "We know you like them older."

You know it was said in fun but you felt your eyes sting with frustrated tears. You honestly didn't know where all this emotion was coming from. But it was almost like a rejection of you, even if they didn't know. If you ever thought you could confide in them now you know you can't.

"I mean... they're kinda taking advantage of you. Like you have to wonder...like it's one step away from a ped-" Steph crossed her arms.

"Steph!" Elise glared at her.

"Bathroom." You stood up and bolted as fast as you could. You hated that you cried from frustration. Like the moment you need to speak up your tears get in the way. You text Joel to come pick you up.

You know they are talking about you when you get back because they immediately stop talking and plaster on cheery smiles.

"Hey! Should we get another round." You can tell Steph feels bad for her words.

"That's okay i'm going to head home."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah we got carried away-obviously you aren't- you know-"

"It's fine." You looked away "I was feeling off anyways."

Joel pulls up a few minutes later. You just want to run into his arms and cry but you know your friends are still watching you leave.

"Just drive." You mumble as soon as the door is shut.

"Have fun?" Joel asks, squeezing your leg with his free hand.

And you instantly burst into tears before you can get your seatbelt on.

"Oh dear." He pulls into a parking space at the back of the lot. "What-what?" He cups your face in his big hands. "Petal talk to me..." His big brown eyes search your face, seeing the softness in your eyes and pouty bottom lip. "Oh baby..." He helps you scoot over into his lap and you cry into his neck. In his mind he's trying to think of anything that may be causing this but he just lets you cry.

"D-daddy..." You cry.

"I'm here, petal. I gotcha." He strokes your head. Inhaling his scent and feeling his big strong arms made you even more mad at what your friends said. Joel was not a bad man. He was your daddy there was no other way to sum up what he meant to you. Safety, protection, acceptance, strength... When you quieted down he peels your face off him and wipes your tears.

"Can you talk to daddy? Hmm? Can you find that big girl voice?"

You try to speak but it just comes out like a whimper.

"Aw I know... you can do it. Let's take a deep breath all the way... yeah... let that big girl voice come back to you..." you have to take your big girl breaths a couple of time before you finally speak.

"Dey-dey said" You sniffle "daddies are bad men."

"Your friends?" Joe felt his heart sink.

"Mhm dey said you were a- a- creep. And I was gross. But you aren't daddy!" You grip his shirt fiercly "You aren't!"

"I'm sorry you had to hear that baby." His heart just aches in his chest. "Some people are too small minded to imagine anythin' different than what they have. They don't understand it, petal."

"But why?"

"It's just how they live their life. Don't know nothin' else." He knows the feeling all too well. How many times has he had to endure awkward conversations about his relationship with you. He got on daddy sites secretly and always felt wrong doing it. But something changed once he started establishing a real relationship with you. Pure love. And so much more than he thought.

"I didn't tell them daddy but i wanted to. I wanted to tell dem you were a good man."

"It's okay baby." Joel smiled.

"No, daddy!" You insisted, cupping his face and looking very serious. "You are a good man."

"Th-Thank you, petal." Joel felt himself tear up a little at your sincerity. Because some days it didn't feel like it. You only got a taste of the hate in the world you had no idea. And Joel was doing his damndest to keep it from you. "You're a good girl. Such a good girl..."

It was so easy at home to just let go and be what each other needed. But the rest of the world wasn't ready for it.

"I don wanna be secret." You confess in a small voice, tears coming back anew but this time they felt different. "I don't wanna be..." you search for the word but couldn't come up with it.

"I know... we'll find a place where we can be ourselves. I swear to you, baby." Joel promises into your hair. He promised himself he would find more members of the community so you would find friendship and acceptance. So he would, too.

"I love you daddy."

"I love you too petal. Loud and proud." He kisses you gently.

~~~~~~~

ddlg masterlist

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@lafresamilk @mamacitapascal @prettypedros, @marstheplanet @takochansugoi  @oceanablue @iwishtobeastorm @dincrypt, @bac-1, @spacenerdpascal, @cranberrypills @punkerthanpascal @breezythesimp  @djarinsimp @mylittlesenaar @bbybunbun @phnyx @xwalltoast @dreadwolfxoxo @xwalltoast @mswarriorbabe80 @bearcina @lokigirlszendaya @pedroslilbitch @star-wars-fan-2005  @din-jarhead @hillgoth @m4ngoj3lly @crabbae @im-a-mcsimp-for-mchotties @girlofchaos @joelsflannel @xoxabs88xox @nicolethered @sergeant-major-ghost @pretty-girl-likes-tea @alexxavicry @harriedandharassed @marchai

@Teddy2510

@phillygraves

[angelpuns]

50au part 26

When Leo woke, it was with a throbbing pain in his leg ( big shocker ) and a faint memory of the nightmare he'd had. 

He sat up as quickly as his aching muscle would allow it, glancing around the room.for evidence that it had been real. Because it had felt so, so real. 

His leg ached, sure, but it wasn't concrete enough. His room was dark, but everything seemed to be in place. His TV was still on his desk, where he'd moved it on a whim a few days ago. His bed was still halfway made and there were no green, shadowy mutants in the corner of his room. Even the step stool was gone. 

The camera! Leo squinted at the corner of the room, but there was nothing. Just darkness. 

“Holy shit I'm losing it…” He muttered, dragging a hand down his face. The TV flickered on a moment later, Leo only jumping a little bit. 

It was dark for a moment before a hand pulled away and a mutant - a turtle mutant - in bright orange grinned into the camera. 

“ Good Morning, Leo! You probably don't know who I am, but don't panic! First of all, there's water and medicine on your nightstand for your pain,” The turtle said cheerily. Leo glanced at his nightstand. Sure enough, there was two pills and a glass of water. 

Leo didn't like this, but he fought back the panic. Something was happening here, clearly, but his nightmare had been just that. A nightmare. Because there wasn't a shred of physical evidence it had actually happened, save for the weird TV shit happening and the water and meds. Which was still scary and weird, but not nearly as bad as the camera. 

“ don't panic, okay? I'll explain everything!” The turtle grinned. He seemed to be a bit nervous. That bothered Leo, but he kept watching. Because hopefully whatever this guy said would make sense and would clue him into what the hell was going on. 

“ So, like 4 or 5 days ago you were cursed, by a witch! Specifically a witch from witch town? And we all totally thought it was a dud, but it turns out that she actually curse you to forget all your memories of your family - that's us!” the turtle rambled on, “its kind of like 50 First dates, and you’re Drew Barrymore. I know that makes more sense then my explanation, except its not really a brain thing, its more like a mystical thing. Anyway, today we're going to help you get your memory back, by washing away the curse!”

The turtle leaned off screen for a moment, seemingly murmuring to someone else. 

“ oh, yes, and if we have to put you to sleep or something, we will. But we really don't want to, so please, please cooperate, okay?” 

The turtle gave him a wink and started to turn the camera off, before a voice off screen muttered something and he suddenly stepped back, “ oh, right!” 

“ I'm Mikey, and Raph and Donnie are here too! And we're your brothers! And we love you so much and-”

“Okay, Mikey, that's enough, he gets the point” someone off screen said, and Mikey chuckled. 

“Okay, here's a montage and a message from Donnie! Love you lots!” he added, before the video shut off and was replaced with a montage of pictures and video clips of- of Leo. Leo and some.other turtle mutants he’d never seen before. 

And the most shocking and horrific thing was that the purple turtle mutant from his dream was there too. He swallowed down the panic that made him feel. Because that was a lot of evidence that his nightmare had been real. And that these guys were evil and going to something to him and- 

The montage ended and the purple turtle appeared on the screen. He looked tired. But he didn't look as menacing as he had in Leo's dream, and  he didn't even look injured. From what Leo remembered, he'd punched this guy hard enough to break something. But he looked fine.

So it- it had to be a dream, right? 

“ ‘Nardo, I’m sure you're really confused and scared and- and you can't possibly believe us, but I promise you we're not going to hurt you,” He started, sighing deeply, “ I am not going to hurt you. We just want to get rid of this curse and- and if for some reason we can't and you're stuck like this…then we’ll figure something else out. But we are not going to hurt you, I promise. So please cooperate and let us help you, okay?” 

The video flickered off, and Leo was left alone in his dark, silent room. 

He let out a shaky breath. He knew they were probably waiting on him out there. Maybe with weapons or some kind of evil plan. 

Or maybe they were just waiting to see if he was going to hear them out. 

He honestly didn't know if he believed it. Any of it. Because the dream had seemed so real, and he knew his own memories. He trusted his memories. But…

Leo looked down at his hands. He really didn't have a choice but to trust them.

---

My back still hurts and I wrote this one last night as well so I don't have much to say bout it. Hope y'all enjoy tho <3333

part 1 | part 25

[icarusredwings]

Baby talk 2/2

Trying something new. Be kind (take 2)

A very little wade fic

Ft. Wo-wo, Mama, and 'essy

For @sirwadewilsonfromimgur because apparently people like my brain

"Logan? It's a bit late, what's wrong?" The voice asks over the phone. He wasn't sure why he called her. Why he called Jean. But he felt like she might know what to do.

"Yeah.. sorry, i-.. It's nothing.. I'll go if you're busy - I just.." he mumbles, phone in his shoulder as he begins boiling some water for the pasta.

"Logan... tell me." She says, in a way of someone who knows he won't tell her if he feels like he's bothering her.

"So, I'm... er.." He turns to see Wade laying in his pile of stuffies, watching the movie with large eyes and a curious o shaped mouth. Right now, they were at the part where she was singing in her secret cave, Wade's eyes glued to the screen in awe, as if he hadn't seen this movie 40 times already. "Babysitting... and I don't really know what to do?"

"Oh.. okay. Well how old are they?"

"Young. Really young. Barely talks." He says, trying not to sound nervous out of his mind as he preps the chicken to be cooked.

"That can be as young as 12 months. Are they potty trained?" She asks, trying to help best she could over the phone. Not like Logan would ever let them see him like this anyway.

"God I fucking hope so." Is all he can awnser with a big sigh. "I don't know, I just.. it's so much different then the kids at school."

Chuckling, he could feel that 'well no duh' look in her eyes and that smug smile. "Well, I would hope that 12 month olds are different than 12 year olds. That's 12:1, Logan." She says, and he grunts, nodding.

"Yeah, yeah, I just.. you read parenting books, right? What do they like? Babys, I mean."

Instantly Wade turns, Giving him a small glare and a pount. "MmMmh.."

"My bad, kids this little." He didn't need to understand the whines to know exactly what he was saying.

'I'm not a baby' He always said that.. man.. Wade not talking felt so weird, and it freaked him out, getting to the point he would subconsiously check to make sure he was still consious and that he COULD talk if wanted, but he didn't.

Wade was just quiet today. Al must think it's a blessing but to Logan? This was a nightmare.

"I do" She laughs again, giggling. "Why? Are they misbehaving?"

"Well... No.. but i'm afraid I might..." He mutters, blowing his cover at pretending not to be anxious about this entire thing.

"Mama?" He hears, indirectly awnsering. "No bub. Not your mama."

The woman giggles again from the side conversation. "I'm sure you'll be fine. Do you want me to-"

"NO!!" He screams, watching as Al got spooked, drawing her pistol on Wade, and for once, she had a good shot. "Get off of me!!"

"Well, jeez Logan, you could have just -"

"Sorry! I have to go!!"

Beep.

"Logan??.. He hung up on me." Jean says, miles away. Logan just knows it.

"Althea! It's Wade!! It's just Wade!!" He shouts, quickly coming over to take the gun from her. "He's just.. really little right now. God damn kid, are you tryna die!?" He yells at him, seeing him only try to curl up more into the woman, tearing up.

"Althea, why don't you go sleep in the room, okay?"

The older woman grumbles, shifting. "Baby you can't lay on me like that. You're too big." She says, much calmer now as Logan pulled Wade off of her and set him back on the floor.

"You're too big for that, kid, you're gonna hurt her!" He tells him, only making Wade feel worse.

"..mama?"

"No! No mama. She dosn't feel good and-"

"Logan. Enough. I can take care of myself." She mutters, groaning as she got up.

".. Mama?" Wade says again, his mind very one tracked at the moment. He knew three things. That he wanted held. He liked Mama. And he didn't know why he was so upset with him. Did he hurt her? Was she okay? Wade wished he could ask, but no words seemed to come out when he tried.

"Hi, Honey, Mama's gonna go take a nap. Behave. Both of you." The old woman mumbles, cupping his face and giving him a kiss on the head, stumbling towards the room. "Wake me up when dinner's ready."

"Yes ma'am.." Logan mutters, glancing down at Wade, watching as he wiped his tears, pulling Fluffy and his legs into his chest, sniffling.

Swallowing, he wasn't even sure if he would understand if he apologized, but he needed to anyway. "Hey.. I'm sorry for yelling at you.. I thought... I thought that.." He rubs his hand into his face with an embaressed grumble. "..Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking. You can't even.. well, no, that's not right. It still would hurt, and I guess I just didn't want Mama to hurt you and- "

Wade wasn't even looking at him. He was staring at the Tv, curled up, and didn't seem to be litsening.

Sighing heavily, he looked at the gun in his hand, deciding he should put it up. It wasn't something he should have down with Althea not feeling the greatest and Wade not even being able to put together sentences.

Walking away, he puts it in the closet, making sure to lock it like it was supposed to. God, there were so many weapons in here. It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that these guns weren't just for hunting or a hobby. No one had this much ammo when owning a gun collection that was "just for show."

Making his way to the kitchen, he stirred the boiling noodles, dumping them in the colander.

"Wo-wo?... wo-wo!"

"Woah woah?" He asks himself, looking up to see Wade pointing at the tv. Prince Eric had picked up Ariel and was now twirling her while smiling.

"Wo- wo?"

Tilting his head, he thought that perhaps this was cool to Wade. "Yeah, Wow buddy. That's amazing." He says but Wade gave him a dirty look. One that usually was his 'Bitch? Thats not what I said' squish of his non existing brows.

"Wo-wo. Ups?"

"Ups?"

"Wo-wo, Ups?" He grins, putting his hands up as he did the grabby motions again.

Oh. That made more sense. "You want me to do that to you?"

Wade nods, crawling about two feet before doing the hands again.

"Mmh... okay, but just once. And then I have to cook. Deal?"

Putting the butter in the pan, he came to pick him up, raising him up. The small squeal and the wide, sparkly eyes said all that Logan needed to know. When put back down, Wade claps.

"Yaay!"

Logan couldn't help but smirk. Really? That's all he wanted? "Heh.. yeah.. Yay." Was it that simple? This.. easy??

Vanessa made it sound so much more complicated when she talked about it. But then again.. I guess Vanessa wasn't as strong as him either, so it must have been difficult for her to hold him. The idea of her holding a 6'2 man on her hip made him snort.

She was strong, obviously, most dancers had to be, but dancers were lean and nimble as well. Logan was much more on the heavier side, so it was far easier for him.

"More?"

"More ups?" He asks, despite seeing his hands reach up. It wasn't the fact that he didn't know. Rather, he wanted confirmation.

"Wo-wo, Ups!" He smiles, excited and happy to be given the attention.

"Ok, ok, but last time, alright?" With another nod, Logan picks him up again. This time, Wade wraps his arms around him tight, nuzzling him again.

Sighing, Logan rubs his back, letting his chin go to the top of his head. "I can't hold you forever, you know... I have stuff to do.." he mumbles, bouncing just a bit in his knees, keeping his arm under his bottom so he didn't drop him.

"You're a good kid, Wade but I really do have to cook."

The whine that comes out of Wade is desperate for attention, lonely even. As if he just told Wade he was leaving and never coming back ever again.

"I come."

"No, sweetheart.. you'll get burned." The bouncing stops as he tries to set Wade down but he holds onto him like a kitten whos afraid of being dropped too far.

"Come on, let go. You'll be okay in here. See look. She's using a fork as a comb. Isn't that funny?" Logan says, trying to distract him enough to stay put. Vanessa wasn't kidding about the wanting held part. He was quite literally clinging to him like his life depended on it.

"Alright, get off. Here- do you want this? Take it." Putting him down, he took his hoodie off with him, letting him hold it as he stood. "There. Now stay. Im trying to make you some noodles, bub."

Finally getting to walk away, the look on his face hurt his chest.. just a bit anyway. The way he watched him go with such sad eyes and clutching the hoodie close to him. As if he was abandoning him.

Eh. He'd be fine. He could still see him in the kitchen so there wasn't really any reason to worry.

In said small kitchen, Logan put together the sauce, butter, and some seasonings, starting to stir it when he glanced towards the tv, doing a double take because Wade was missing.

"Wade?" He says, only to be met with him tugging on his jeans. The sight was something he wasn't prepared for, Wade put his hoodie on, and it was too big for him by at least two sizes. "Wo-wo!"

"Woah woah huh... wait, is that me?" He asks, tilting his head. "It's an L, bud. L" he made the L noise for him. "Lo-Lo."

"Wo-wo."

His eyes roll. "What ever. Come on, kid get out of the kitchen. You're gonna burn yourself."

This lasted about 2 seconds before Wade came back in. "Ups?"

At this point, dinner was practically done. Now, just have to finish it up and serve. "Fine... but don't touch anything."

"Yaaay!!" He claps, reaching up only to get scooped up and put on his hip, holding him with one arm, the other stiring.

"Yeah... yay.. fuckin' brat.." Wade was always getting what he wanted.

Wade giggles, holding his neck and once again snuggling up to him.

"Yeah, yeah, that's enough. Just be good. Don't touch. Ouches."

"Ow?"

"Yup. Ow."

So now, here was Logan, an almost 400 pound man holding 150 pound 6'2 guy on his hip, stiring and plating dinner. With his head on his shoulder, Wade calmed down immensely from being carried, just watching what Logan was doing and silent.

Dipping his finger into the sauce, Logan held it up. "Do you like this?"

Taking the finger in his mouth, Wade immediately made a 'mmmh' noise, nodding.

"Good. Do you want it on the side or on top of your noodles?"

" 'op."

" 'kay." Putting the sauce on top, he began to make Als.

" 'essy?"

"Huh?" He asks, not sure.

" 'essy??" Wade points to the plate.

"No. Mama's."

"Mama?"

"Mhm. Wo- wo's." Logan points to his own.

"Ooooh! Yummies."

"Yup.. Yummies..." he says, only to become embarrassed, face heating up as he grunts. Man... damn this baby talk..

____

A little later, after dinner, Wade came out of the room, looking almost ashamed, wearing Logan's x-men athletics department hoodie, the back saying 'HOWLETT' in big letters.

He was playing with his hands as he came to him. "Hey.."

Glancing away from the Tv, Logan was a bit confused, Not now sure if he was still small or not. "Hey?"

"I-.. im sorry.. for.. ealier. I know you don't like that stuff. I don't really.. know.." It seemed the farther he got into the apology, the tighter his voice got, his eyes becoming glossy.

"Hey-hey, stop. Why are you crying? You don't have anything to be sorry about. You're alright. Everything's okay, Wade. Sit." He says, patting next to him, but he just shook his head, rubbing his arm.

"No. I-it's not okay. You didn't ask for that. And you don't like t-taking care of me like that-" he wipes his eyes with the sleeves, clearly feeling bad about being so small infront of him.

"What? No, hold on. I never said that. I'll always take care of you." He says, a little frustrated that he would think differently.

"B-but you-"

"Shut the fuck up and come here."

Swallowing, He hesitantly sat on his lap, letting Logan pull him close and kiss the tears from his eyes. "Don't you ever say that shit again, you hear me? If I didn't want to take care of you, I would have left a long time ago. It was just.. odd at first. Because I've never seen it before. That's all. Just because something is new doesn't mean it's bad. You taught me that, idiot."

Sniffling, he shifts to nuzzle up under his chin again, curling up to be as small as possible, letting the man hold him in his arms. "I-i don't.." he heaves.

Logan is patiant, holding his cheek and rubbing his breath. "Shh.."

"I-i don't even know why I did that. I just.. it just happened." He whispers.

"That's alright. You don't have to know everything... a little heads up would be nice though." He mutters, pulling him up more to rub his cheek on him the way he liked.

Sniffling again, he smiles softly. "I'll try.. worst case senerio I just ask you to pick me up."

"Tell ya what. You ask me to pick you up and I will. Just... not during missions. I don't wanna have to slice a fucker in half because he shot you when you're small."

Wade giggles, his heart rate finally settling down as he listened to Logan's. "No promises.." letting out a big sigh, he let his body relax, taking a few deep breaths, nestling into him, the smell of the hoodie making him tired. "..I love you.. a-And thanks for not letting Al shoot me.."

Logan's eyes widened. He did hear his apology. A soft half lidded smile came to his face, glad that it wasn't for nothing. "I love you too.... cry baby."

"Can you guys shut up? Wheel of fortunes on." Al says, feeling much better that she too has had a nap and a good meal.

Sigh... that was their Althea.. keeping them humble.

The little giggle that came from him and the rythemed breathing following told Logan that he would be stuck in this spot for quite a while. Oh well... He was always up for a good nap.

"...Morons." The old woman says with a hint of fondness in her voice, hearing not one but two sets of snores. It was music to her ears.

[lemonhemlock]

I think a thing that bothers me the most is how fragmented TG (the fandom) is now. After season one, many of us had issues with character writing, but it still felt like we were largely on the same page. Now, some people can accept Aegon got bad writing but not Aemond, Alicent, or Helaena. They are all “good” or “bad”characters depending on how much they hurt Aegon this season. I’m so glad he got the time to be well rounded, and that TGC delivered on all his scenes, but I think people forget Aegon has received some poor writing as well even this season. His whole outburst about Jaehaerys’s death is not about his son, but the impact on his legacy- I thought this very odd at the time, but realize it’s because they can’t have him mourn Jaehaerys for a long time either. Nobody on TG is allowed to focus on this dead child, least of all his mother! Aegon goes out drinking with his friends next episode 😭 seemingly unconcerned. But somehow only Alicent and Aemond are called out for this, when it is a clear problem that Daemon is more affected by this loss than the greens. It feels like such an uphill battle to even discuss the faction and family anymore.

This is such a good point!

I know I am so contrarian about this rn, but I have had some issues in connecting with Aegon's grief scenes over Jaehaerys this season. And it's such an opinion I DON'T want to have, bc I'm fully on the Aegon/TGC bandwagon and I do think TGC is a competent actor.

But it's something about the general clownery of the framing, how everything is gloomy and dark but at the same time no one gives that much of a shit over Jaehaerys? It's very weird to describe. I know Olivia also shows Alicent crying and swallowing sobs and trying to conceal her grief, but, if you think about it, Alicent is just Kind Of Like That in a lot of her scenes anyway. Big doe wet eyes, filled with regret and unspoken emotions etc so that her acting similarly after B&C kind of doesn't hit as much?

And, in that context, having Aegon rage over this event is rendered kind of.....hammy and, honestly, comical. I'm reminded of the scene of the small council where everyone is somber and quiet and he kind of looks like he's pretending to cry. In other moments it's fine but there are frames where I can't take it seriously and it registers in my brain like a parody.

I realise how I sound right now, like I'm not satisfied with the subdued performances, but I'm not satisfied with the expansive ones either. IDK. I have a huge problem with the framing and direction this season, I think it's a huge impediment in making me enjoy the supposedly emotional scenes.

All of this to say that I agree, Aegon has also received some bad writing this season, especially him ALSO being kind of over Jaehaerys the next episode. But people tend to overlook it, because when you draw the line, the writing for him is still so much better than what he got in S1.

And, yes, this is why I can't really join the choir in blaming Alicent and Aemond for how they act with him, because it's not a naturalistic and organic progression, it's shoehorned in with little buildup or motivation and not even drawn to its natural conclusion. For example, Aemond should have been toast the minute Aegon woke up, because Prince Regent or not, Aegon is still the King and has the power to remove Aemond if he fears him. He doesn't have to justify himself in front of anyone, just give the order to arrest his brother and name someone else as regent, then just go back to sleep.

[squoxle]

✏ TNAIT 002: No Money, No Problem l.at fanfic

✰ pairing: nerdy!bandboy!anton x cheerleader!fem!reader | ✰ wc: 2.5k | ✰ cw: profanity, sexual themes, lgbt comments | ✰ plot: you find the perfect guy to help you bring up your grades, but he's so shy you wonder if you'll make any progress. too bad you couldn't get his cute little friend instead... [Series Masterlist]

“Dude! What the hell was that?” Chanyoung spat.

“What? Oh you mean making your wet dreams come true? In that case, you’re welcome,” Dongmin chuckled.

“Wet dreams? You’re the one who fantasizes about screwing the whole cheer squad, not me.”

“Stop acting like such a prude. You know you want it too. I saw your little buddy standing up for attention.”

“It was cold as fuck out there.”

“Right…those thoughts were pretty hot though, huh?”

“Shut up…”

“Look you just better make sure you pull your dorky ass together and text that girl before tomorrow. Unless…you’re too chicken,” Dongmin said as he began clucking like a chicken.

“God, you’re such a fucking child,” Chanyoung rolled his eyes, pulling out his phone.

Dongmin looked over his shoulder to watch him text you. “Dear my beloved personified fantasy,” he began. “I’d love to meet you tomorrow at 12 o’clock sharp to help you raise your grades while you raise that skirt,” he chuckled.

“Seriously dude, back the fuck up. I can’t concentrate,” Chanyoung sighed.

hey i wanted to text u before it got too late

i'll be at the library around 8am tomorrow morning

Sent 9:43pm

Chanyoung carefully re-read the messages, double-checking for any missing details.

"Ponytail" Typing...

"Shit!" he spat.

"What? What happened? Did you accidentally send her that video of you whacking off?" Dongmin teased.

"No...she's typing."

"Already?"

it's fine

i'll be up by that time anyway

should i...bring anything?

Sent 9:45pm

"Fuck! What do I say?"

"Gimme," Dongmin grinned as he snatched the phone from Chanyoung's hand.

yeah that sounds great

and nah ur good

just make sure u bring ur laptop...and maybe a notebook

Sent 9:46pm

Read 9:46pm

"Ponytail" Typing...

kk

gnite <3

Sent 9:46

gn

"Ha!" Dongmin exclaimed before giving Chanyoung back his phone. "Too easy," he huffed. "Now, all you gotta do is shave your balls and get ready for tomorrow," he smiled, patting Chanyoung on the shoulder.

"Shave my what?!"

"Your nuts, bro. So you can get that brain while you use yours," he chuckled.

"You know if anyone else heard the way you talk to me they'd think you were gay."

"I'm just being real with you."

"Yeah...really gay."

"Whatever," Dongmin laughed as he wrapped an arm around Chanyoung's shoulder.

"You sure lucked up, huh?" Abigail chimed as you told her about your little rendevous with Chanyoung. "I've seen him before, but I always kinda thought he was...y'know," she paused to flick her wrist, a motion you very well knew the meaning of.

"No, no. At least, I don't think so. He's just kinda shy."

"Shy? Or more into guys," she chuckled.

"Hey, knock it off. You're the one who told me to get my own guy."

"Actually, you wanted that. If I recall it correctly you said it would be weird for us to use the same guy."

"Oh...right," you blew air into your cheeks as you thought back to that moment earlier.

"Well, just let me know how everything goes for you. And remember, there's a sweet little Aussie boy named Jake who'd be more than glad to help you out," she smiled. "But beware. He's a subby little switch," she chuckled. "Cute and sexy."

"Hopefully, everything goes well tomorrow and I won't need your puppy," you chuckled as Abigail pulled up to your house.

"Fingers crossed that even if he is gay, he's at least useful."

"He's not gay."

"You don't know that for sure," she tilted her head.

"Neither do you," you tilted your head, mocking her.

"Hmm, fair enough. But you owe me lunch if he is," she smiled as you unbuckled your seatbelt.

"You're really sure about this," you laughed.

"Uhh...duh."

"Okay well I gotta go inside now before my dad eats me alive," you said as you climbed out of the car.

"Good luck, girlie," she waved as you jogged to the front door, waving back at her.

The next morning, you stopped by the ATM to withdraw 50 bucks before meeting with Chanyoung. "This should be enough for today," you thought to yourself.

"Debit Declined, Transaction Failed," the automated voice chimed as you inserted your card. "What the hell?" you spat before attempting to insert your card again only to see the same message pop up 3 more times.

"Did dad freeze my debit card?" you asked as your mom answered the phone.

"Yes, he did it when you came home late last night."

"I literally just came home from a game."

"I know, but you know how he feels about that."

"Yeah...it's fine."

"What did you need the money for?"

"Nothing, I changed my mind," you lied.

"You sure, honey? I can send the money to you a different way. Just let me know how much you need."

"No, Mom. It's alright. Really. Thanks though."

"Okay, well let me know if you change your mind again."

"M'kay. I will."

"Bye," she said before hanging up.

You needed that money right now more than anything else. However, given the current circumstances, that wasn't an option.

"Hey," you waved shyly as you sat down at a table across from Chanyoung.

"Hey," he said, so softly that you almost didn't even hear him. "So, umm...what did you want to start working on first," he asked in that same sheepish tone.

"Umm, well maybe math. It's an introductory algebra course, but I'm kinda struggling to grasp it y'know."

"Can you show me what you've been working on?"

"Sure," you stood up to move your chair closer to him. "Sorry," you apologized as he jerked slightly. "Fuck, I hope I'm not being too aggressive," you thought to yourself.

"It-it's okay," he smiled softly before scrolling through your modules. "Dongmin and his stupid big mouth," Chanyoung thought to himself.

"So, what do you think we should do first?" you asked, breaking the silence.

"Umm...maybe we could look through one of the quizzes and review the content. It'll be the easiest way to learn."

As brilliant as that idea sounded, you didn't have the time to actually learn the material.

"I'm not trying to sound ungrateful or anything, but is there any way I can get you to do the majority of the work...I just don't really have time to learn this with cheer practice and everything," you cringed at your own words, realizing just how pathetic you sounded.

"Oh, uhh--"

"I'll pay you," you blurted just as you remembered that you couldn't exactly finance this little escapade. "Well...actually--"

"It's fine. You don't have to do anything unless you want to. Let's just look at this as a friendly favor," he shrugged as his lips formed into a shy smirk.

"Huh, really?"

"Yeah," he nodded, turning back to the laptop. "You can watch me work the problems out. Maybe it'll help you learn the material," he said as you leaned over, unconsciously bracing yourself on his thigh.

You listened as he explained the process of solving each equation and watched him scribble notes in your journal. For a moment, you got lost in his eyes. You watched them glaze across the screen through his glasses.

Maybe it was his shyness, or maybe it was something else, but your heart always fluttered when he came around. That was the real reason you stumbled on your words whenever you spoke to him.

It was something about the way he bit his bottom lip when he was focused that made you want to kiss him...

"Ugh!" he groaned as you lost your balance. Your hand fell right into his manhood and you could see it all over his face.

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry," you pleaded, grabbing onto his shoulder as he hunched over in pain.

"I-it's alright...I know you didn't do it on purpose," he said, grinding his teeth together.

"Umm, do you want me to get something?"

He exhaled deeply before replying, "No, I just have to wait it out."

"I'm really sorry," you apologized again as he continued to take deep breaths, squeezing his eyes shut. You reached over to close your laptop. "We can finish this later," you said as he seemed to calm down.

"You sure?"

"Yeah. You've already done more than I would've."

"So..tell me something about yourself. Since we're gonna be hanging out a lot more often, we might as well take the time to get to know each other," you said as the two of you sat outside together.

"There isn't really much to know," he shrugged.

"What about past relationships?" this question was triggered by a sense of curiosity and the fact that Abigail was so sure he was gay.

"Well, I've never really dated anyone before," he said, looking off.

"Anyone...well did you at least have a crush?"

"Hmm...there was this one girl I liked, but she only ever saw me as a friend."

"Have you always been into music?"

"Huh? How'd you know I was into music?"

"Shit," you swore to yourself. You didn't hear this from him..

"Oh, well umm I remember seeing you in the orchestra during the first week of school," you were able to save your ass this time, but you had to be more careful. You knew more than you were letting on.

"Oh yeah. Well, actually my parents encouraged me to start playing the cello, but I grew to like it on my own. Heh, I remember one time when I stayed up all night to learn this one piece. It was really important because that would be my first solo performance in high school," you watched as he smiled thinking back to that moment.

"Well I'm sure you did amazing," you smiled.

"Ehh...that would've been the expected outcome," he chuckled to himself. "But I thought it was a brilliant idea to be Romeo before my performance and ended up forgetting half of my solo. You can imagine how that went."

"Not really..."

"Well, it's like I said earlier. She saw me as a friend. So my head was all over the place after that. I should've just waited until after the show to tell her. I was gonna do it anyway."

"Hmm...maybe," you sighed, wondering if he still had feelings for her or had moved on by now.

"Alright, enough about me. It's my turn to ask you some questions."

"Okay, hit me," you laughed at his boldness.

"How many relationships have you been in?"

"Zero. Next question."

"Zero?! How?"

"My parents are pretty strict so I wasn't allowed to date. To them, my grades are the most important thing. But there was one guy I liked. He was a little older than me, but he hated the fact that we had to sneak around all the time," you sighed thinking back to the first real boyfriend you could've had.

"Oh, well I can understand that," he said looking over to you as if he was trying to read your body language, hoping it would expose another part of you.

"So what else did you want to ask me?"

"What made you come up to me? Aside from needing help."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I've come to every game and that was the first time we ever spoke to each other. I'm just wondering if there was something that stood out," his shaggy brown hair was perfectly draped across his face, slightly peeking over his round glasses.

"Uhh...well you were a familiar face. I figured you had to be a genius if you were in the orchestra. Y'know musically inclined people are said to be more intelligent," you smiled even though you knew very well that you chose him randomly and could barely remember him on your own.

"Heh, that's what my dad always tells me," he smiled with an expression so pure and sweet you could only sit there in silence.

You felt bad realizing that your only intention of talking to him in the first place was to use him to improve your grades. Plus this little heartfelt conversation started for two reasons--1) you had to buy time to come up with another form of payment and 2) you were not buying Abigail lunch.

If you didn't need him, you honestly wouldn't have looked twice in his direction. Yes, you found him attractive, but that was it. You didn't care about his interests...

"Spill the tea! Is he gay or not?" Abigail squealed as you met up with her in the campus cafe.

"Woah, what happened to 'hey, how did the studying go?'" you laughed.

"Tell me about that after this. I'm starving and I wanna know if I'm gonna be paying or not."

"Well he told me about a girl he liked back in highschool so I think that should answer your question."

"Dammit," she swore before reaching in her bag. " Text me what you want. I'm gonna go order out stuff and I'll be right back, 'kay?"

You nodded as she walked away. You watched her blonde ponytail sway with her movements as she went up to the register. You had completely forgotten about the whole frozen card thing, so you were even happier that she would be paying today.

"Alright, now tell me. Did you suck him off or what?"

"Ugh! No way. I was gonna pay him instead, but my dad froze my cards so I'm just pretending to be his friend so he can keep helping me," this was mostly true except for the fact that you were kinda falling for him.

"Well, you can either keep doing that or at least try to get some pleasure out of it. As cute as my little Jakey is, I just need him for my grades," she smiled, flipping her ponytail. "Do you really think I care about his nerdy life?"

"I know right," You laughed.

"You just need to give that boy your homework and walk away. He's not your study-buddy he's your dorky little fuck-toy and that's it. Don't let him bore you to death with his lame-ass life stories. That is not what you signed up for girl.”

“Honestly. After he fixes my grades I’ll probably never talk to him again.”

“Yeah, until next semester,” Abigail laughed. “I’m not trying to sound like the stereotypical blonde, but I’m too pretty to use my brain. Especially when I have a body like this,” she poked her tongue out as she playfully shook her tits.

“Oh my god! You can’t do that in public,” you hid your face behind your hand.

“Oh baby trust me, there’s a whole LOT you can do in public. It’s only illegal if you get caught,” she winked. “Thanks,” she smiled as the waiter came to the table with your food.

Abby wasn't entirely wrong. You could get away with a lot in public, but someone else is always present. Another witness. Another loose end. Or maybe...a ticking time bomb. Eager to get their way at the expense of your dirty little secret.

Living a double-life has its consequences.

You were so wrapped up in your conversation with Abigail you failed to notice Dongmin who was busy cleaning a table not too far from you. How were you supposed to know he worked here part-time? Like you said earlier, you hardly even knew of their existence before the other night.

Thanks for reading the second episode of my series. [Series Masterlist]

Click this link to go to my main masterlist and stay tuned for the next episodes.

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[toomuchracket]

stress relief (sweetheart!george x reader fluff)

first george fic, who cheered?! day 8 of promptober. a weird little (well, long) fluffy end of high school moment about exam stress, and hitting things and smoking weed and kissing your new boyfriend to make you feel better. i've absolutely not a clue what came over me while i wrote this. but i think it's fun. and i hope you lot do too! <3

you're stomping down the street towards your house when your phone rings. digging it out of your bag, your grumpiness ebbs slightly when you see it's george on the other end of the line. "hiya."

"hi, baby," comes the gravelly reply. george's voice is enough to send you into a fit of enamoured giggles anyway, but hearing him address you with the pet name - a recent development, a free add-on that came with the "girlfriend" title during the summer - has you practically skipping down the street. "how'd it go?"

the reminder of the horrible mock exam almost threatens to block out the enjoyment of talking to george, a black cloud over the sun. "fucking awful."

"doubt that," george replies. there's a shuffling sound in the background on his end; you know, even without seeing him, that he's moved to lean his elbow on something so he can adjust the phone and listen to you better. "but tell me all about it."

"it was just… bad. the questions were all worded so weirdly. felt so fucking thick trying to read them, g," you sigh, kicking at a stone on the pavement. "so obviously i've no idea if i answered anything correctly, because i couldn't fucking understand what they were actually asking, and if i don't pass this then i don't get to sit the actual exam, and then i've got no bloody chance of getting into uni."

your voice breaks on the final word, and so does the invisible dam keeping your tears in. despite doing your best to keep any sobs at bay, george immediately clocks that you're crying and goes into reassurance mode. "baby…"

"it's fine, i'm fine," you sniffle. "sorry, i know i'm being silly. how are you?"

"worried about you, angel. i don't like how stressed out this exam's made you feel, recently," george admits. "and i'm not letting you dwell on it from this point on, alright?"

"babe…"

"you answered every question, i take it?"

you frown. "i mean, yeah, but-"

"no buts, baby," george's voice is firm; it does something weird to your brain. that's new. "you answered every question in the paper to the best of your ability. don't try and argue with me on that one, angel. i know you did, because you never half-arse anything, and it's one of the things i lo-like most about you. and there's nothing more you can do about the exam, so there's no point dwelling on it, even if it was as shit as you say. yeah?"

you sigh. "yeah. you're right."

"i know i am," george's voice is smug, but it softens as he continues. "wish i was there to give you a hug right now, though, make you feel better."

"me too," you say wistfully, unlocking your front door and shrugging off your jacket before heading upstairs. "but i'll get one off you at the party tonight. or several. actually, i might not even let go of you the whole time."

you flop onto your bed, rolling onto your stomach and kicking your legs in the air as george laughs and says "i'm not gonna complain about that, babe. speaking of the party, what d'you want? matty's picking up in a bit."

"are you smoking?"

"was gonna, yeah. want some?"

"please."

"sweet. he says he's already got wine if you want it, too, but he'll get you vodka if you'd rather have that."

"no, wine's good," you say. "thank him for me, please, and tell him i'll pay him back later."

george laughs. "i've got you covered, babe."

you facepalm. "george."

"what? you've had a hard day. let me treat you."

there’s silence for a brief moment, as you ponder and then decide against debating with your boyfriend (even thinking about calling george that makes you smile); as stubborn as you are, george is ten times worse. if this was an in-person debate, a strategically-timed pout would give you the upper hand, but you'll never wear him down via phone.

"fine," you sigh dramatically. "thank you, babe. but you have to accept petrol money from me tonight."

"not a fucking chance. i have to drive past your house to get to matty's, anyway. he should be the one paying me."

you laugh. "if you're sure, babe. i'll get you back sometime, though."

"actually, there is something you could do for me tonight, if you wouldn't mind," george says slowly, voice deepening even more than usual. it sends goosebumps down your arms, and any and all sanity out of your head. "you could wear that top you bought at the weekend."

"the black one?"

"yeah," george's voice changes again; you can hear him blushing. "you looked really beautiful in it."

(his reaction when you'd opened the fitting room door last week had made you aware of that thought of his, but it's far nicer hearing him say it.)

"consider it done," you smile. "what time should i be ready for?"

"six? then we have time to get a maccies on the way."

"you do know the way to a girl's heart, george daniel."

george laughs. your heart flutters. "alright, baby. i'll see you in a couple of hours."

"looking forward to it," you smile, clicking your phone off. the goodbye feels unfinished, you think; the three other words you're too nervous to say to george seem to linger expectantly in your throat every time you talk to him, just waiting to be released from your lips to his ears. it's only been three months since you started labelling the relationship, but there were three of "dating" beforehand (following a two-sided drunken confession at matty's eighteenth), and another eight of crushing and pining preceding that - you know exactly how you feel about him. you just don't know when to tell him.

you nearly do, though, when he picks you up for the party later that night. after chucking your overnight bag in the backseat, you climb into the passenger seat and are immediately pulled into an absolute head-melter of a kiss.

george smiles as he pulls back from you. "hi, baby. you wore the top, i see."

"course i did," you grin in response. "have to keep up with you, don't i, gorgeous?"

"oh, shush," george shakes his head, cheeks pink. "right, let's get you some nuggets."

you clap, and your boyfriend laughs, a sound that continues from both of you as you make your way through the drive-thru and then to matty's. in between giggles and singalongs to the blink-182 album in the cd player, you feed george chips and chicken nuggets, the friday evening traffic stopping the two of you from being able to park and eat your dinner and still make it to the party on time. the vibe is in total contrast to your frustrated tears from earlier; now, doing shitty tom delonge impressions with your favourite boy in the world, you're ridiculously happy.

after parking outside matty's house, george turns to you before either of you can get out of the car. "listen, baby," he says softly, bringing a hand up to stroke your hair. "i know it's been a bit of a day for you, and i just want you to be alright - if you wanna go home at any point, tell me, yeah?"

your heart swells a little at his tenderness. you nod, pouting your lips slightly. "kiss?"

"gladly," george grins, lips on yours within seconds. like earlier, this kiss makes your head spin. 

unlike earlier, however, it isn't ended by either you or george pulling away; the two of you are so distracted by each other that you don't hear adam walking across the gravel towards the car. it isn't until he opens the passenger door that you pull away from george in fright, and then he speaks. "matty says no snogging in the driveway."

"tell him i'll do it in his fucking bedroom and see what he says then," george snaps. he kisses your hand. "sorry, baby."

"s'fine. hi, adam," you say, turning to your friend. "how are you?"

"betrayed, actually - you got a maccies and didn't ask if i wanted anything?"

"leave her alone, hann," george says, walking round to grab your bag and usher you out of the car. "she's had a stressful day."

"well, you're in luck, mate - oh, cheers," adam pulls you into a half hug as you pass him your final chicken nugget, and the boys lead you into the house. "matty found an unused piñata in the garage, so you can beat the shit out of that if it'll make you feel better."

"he just… found a piñata? just happened across it?" you ask, mildly bewildered (it's matty, after all), at the exact same time george ponders "what's he put in it?"

"he just found it, yeah. i don't know either," adam shrugs. "and he's literally put joints in it. no sweets. just weed."

interesting.

george nearly pisses himself laughing, while you, as is your wont, ask a sensible question. "won't the force of the hits knock the joints apart, though? like, genius idea to put them there in theory, but will it work?"

"only one way to find out, i s'pose, baby" george says. "here, let me put your bag upstairs. i'll meet you in the garden in a minute, yeah?"

your boyfriend kisses you quickly and hurries upstairs, while you follow adam out to the garden, stopping briefly to hug some of your friends hello. only ross and matty are outside, the former reaching up to attach a unicorn piñata to a tree branch while the latter shouts orders at him. "fucksake, ross, that's far too high!"

"he's right, unfortunately, ross," you chip in, wandering over towards them and slinging an arm round matty's shoulders. "do you really want either of us jumping with a potential weapon in our hands?"

"he already is a potential weapon," comes the grumbling from under the branch.

"taking that as a compliment, actually," matty shouts, steering you away from the tree and hugging you. "hi, darling. where's g?"

"stashing my handbag for me."

"ok, good, because i have news and you're the only person i can tell," matty spins to face you, inhaling deeply and clasping his hands together. "i think i'm in love."

"ok?" you put your hands on your hips, underwhelmed. "you've already told me this, remember? last month?"

"different person. that wasn't real, this is."

"right. and you're only telling me because…?"

"well, it's someone like you i think i'm in love with."

"a girl?" you smirk. "i guessed as much, mate."

"smartarse," matty huffs. "no. i mean, like, she's proper smart. and serious about it. she wants to study law at uni. i'm totally intimidated by her, but i fancy her so much."

he stares at you expectantly. you stare just as blankly back. "and?"

"and i need your help," matty all but wails. "how do i make her like me?"

bless him. you smile. "well, you're in a band. that helps."

"really? even for pulling geniuses like you and her?"

"not to be dramatic, but that day i walked into the music room to tell you lot to shut up and saw george drumming to brianstorm? life-changing," you blush. matty smiles, genuinely. "but also, just don't be a gobshite, yeah? you actually being quite sensitive is unexpected, and it's nice. really."

"ok. thanks, mate," matty pulls you into a quick hug. "i wish she was coming tonight. be a lot more fun."

"we literally have a weed-filled piñata. we're peaking with fun."

he laughs. "true. and i did only meet her today."

you raise your eyebrows. "wait - on the set of your mum's show? have you told denise?"

"do i look like an idiot? actually," matty shakes his head. "don't answer that. no need to tell me."

"tell you what?" george wanders over to the pair of you, hugging matty and pecking you on the lips. "what are you two gossiping about?"

"what we're buying you for christmas," you say smoothly. "and how amazing a gift i'm now obligated to get you, because you won't let me pay for my own bloody weed."

the boys laugh, and george kisses you on the head. "speaking of, ross thinks he's perfected the piñata height. fancy a bit of stress relief?"

"ew, george, not in my house," matty faux-retches, then grins. "kidding. come on, lovebirds, let's beat the shit out of a unicorn and get stoned."

"and other normal sentences he's said today," george murmurs in your ear, making you giggle as you follow your friend towards the tree.

as you near it, ross holds a cricket bat out to you. "heard you were feeling stressed. have at it, mate."

"thanks, ross," you take the wooden stick, turning it over in your hands before turning to look at the host incredulously. "who the fuck in your family plays cricket?"

"how should i know?" comes matty’s equally-incredulous reply. "just hit the horse, please, i need a fucking zoot."

"fine. here goes," you say. "actually, shouldn't we put something on the ground to catch the joints?"

"good point. here," george pulls off his hoodie and throws it on the grass; you're momentarily distracted by his biceps through his long-sleeved t-shirt. "give it hell, baby."

you smirk, closing your eyes and thinking of the awful exam paper from earlier. all the frustration and stress hits your nervous system like a tidal wave; practically vibrating with rage, you swing the bat and hit the papier-mache before you with a satisfying thwack, denting it. the boys cheer, and it spurs you on even more - within minutes, you've beaten the unicorn to a pulp, its contraband insides (mostly) intact on your boyfriend's hoodie, and your insides the most stress-free they've been in a long time.

breathless, you hand the bat back to a wide-eyed ross, who claps you on the back. "impressive, actually."

"thank you," you bow, the boys laughing as they scramble to pick up the joints. george grabs two for each of you and your hand simultaneously, leading you towards the cushioned loungers near the kitchen window.

he sits first, settling you gently on his lap before pulling a lighter from his pocket. you're suddenly extremely aware of the chilly october evening air, and shuffle around so you can half-lean against george's hard chest; you gaze up at him, all sharp jaw and heavy eyes with the joint between his lips. "is this ok?"

"s'perfect, baby," george smiles, hand tracing patterns against the outside of your thigh. he lifts it, though, to take the joint out of his mouth. "you wanna go first?"

you shake your head. george smoking is an incredibly sexy sight; you want a clear head the first time you see it tonight. the flickering flame sharpens his cheekbones in the most beautiful way as he lights the joint, and the way he draws them in as he inhales it is nothing short of stunning. but nothing compares to the way he exhales the smoke, head thrown back in pleasure and faint moans escaping his lips - your thighs clench ever so slightly as he does, which isn't helped by the way he looks at you as he passes you the weed.

he doesn't seem to fare any better while you smoke, though; your eyes close in contentment when the inhale hits your airways (and a little groan of satisfaction involuntarily leaves you), but you open them to find george biting his lip while he watches yours.

it gives you an idea. passing the joint back, you ask a favour of your boyfriend. "will you shotgun me, please?"

george hums happily. "absolutely, baby."

you shuffle so you're sitting directly on his lap, facing him. whether it's the crispness of the night or the weed or just george himself, you don't know, but you're more aware of this particular bodily position than ever before. there's an energy you can't quite describe crackling in the night air - anticipation, maybe.

whatever it is, you like it.

"ready?" george asks, joint halfway to his lips. you nod, loosely clasping your hands at the nape of his neck and leaning forward. he inhales, your mouth opens, he exhales, and you do your best to take in as much of the smoke as you can. 

even though you've been smoking properly for a little while now, the best highs are always the ones you share with george; he seems to intoxicate you more than the drug does. given how much longer he's been smoking, you'd be forgiven for thinking that he doesn't feel the same way, but the speed with which he quickly lays the joint in a nearby ashtray (thank fuck the healys are a family of smokers, by the way) and crashes his lips to yours suggests otherwise. the crackling in the air ceases, but seems to find a new home in your body; sparks seem to fly from your lips to your brain, overloading the organ until all you can think is george, george, george.

yeah, you love him all right.

[greenlightbulbonawire]

Misfits (yeah like the Arcane song) LIII.

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Summary: From the dark musty cell of Stillwater all the way to the very base of Firelights, but where to from there? Guess you'll just have to let fate lead you.

Author's note: Soooooo, breaks over! And I've decided how I wanna put s2 into this and finally have a proper story line too, took me only what, 5 months to figure that out? ToT Anyway I'm gonna get an English certificate C1 level soon so I wont have any excuse for my bad spelling and typos no more (english isn't my first language but honestly I speak it better than my mother language so...) Well I hope the wait wasn't so bad and that all of you enjoyed s2 as much as I did (even if I'm traumatized for life now) and that you'll enjoy this chapter. Also I wanna thank you for all the incredible support I've recieved because honestly, when I started this fic, I never though it would gain this much traction and I'm really grateful!! (also what the hell was the spotify wrapped bs this year)

next chapter: Fifty fourth chapter

previous chapter: Fifty second chapter

Masterlist (doesn't work properly)

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He walked up to you and the makeshift gramophone and put the disc into the circular platform. This use of the machine definitely made more sense than what you previously thought it was. Ekko took the spiky spoon thing and placed it onto the black disk and spun it and after a moment of some weird noise, a song started to play from it. You did hear some music in your lifetime, but right now you felt like it had been ages since you last listened to something. For a moment you just stared at the device and let your brain process it all. The thing that finally brought you back to reality was the leader’s hand placed on your shoulder as he looked down on you with a smile on his face. “So, I was thinking, and since you spend a lot of your life in prison, you probably never got to experience a lot of stuff, buuut I was wondering if maybe, you wanted to learn how to dance?”

He took a few steps away from you and offered you a hand, his other one hidden behind his back and he bowed down a little. You stared at him in awe for a good few minutes and he just let you process it all, patiently waiting for your answer. Finally, you shook your head and took his hand with a grin painted onto your lips. “Don’t expect me to be good at it.” You warned him as he pulled you closer to him and put his free hand on your waist. Obviously, you didn’t expect this and your eyes widened as he did so, your mouth left slightly agape. “I taught you how to fight, I think I got this.” Ekko rolled his eyes and raised his eyebrows at you, even if you hadn't meant it that way, this was now a challenge in his eyes, and he wasn’t going to fail.

“You know, you have to put your hand on my shoulder right?” “How could I? I never danced with anyone.” The boy let go of your waist and grabbed your arm, helping you put it into the right position and when your hand rested on his shoulder, he returned his arm back to where it previously was placed. “Excuses is all I hear.” He poked at you back and shrugged, then he looked down at both of your feet, thinking about how to best explain to you how to dance. “So there’s like a lot of traditional dances, but I think you’ll be fine if we start with Waltz, not even you can mess that up.” You nodded in agreement and followed his gaze, looking down too as he lifted one of his feet up and tapped it against the front of yours. “Keep your expectations realistic Ekko, please.” Ekko chuckled a little at your comment and tapped your foot again, now realising it might indicate that you have to do something, you picked up your foot too.

“Look at that, you can read my mind too. Okay, okay, so, at first you’ll have to watch your feet, like a lot, but once you get the grip, you can look up. But for now, just follow what I’m doing okay?” “I can definitely try to do that, yeah.” He nodded and slowly started to drag the foot he had previously tapped yours with against the floor in your direction, and so you did the same, but instead of going in his direction, you went backwards. Ekko made sure to tell you when you did something right and when you did something wrong, and also to have a firm grip on you, since he knew that balance wasn’t your strongest forté and the possibility of you losing it was almost as high as when you were learning to hoverboard. Of course you stepped on his foot more times than you could count, but Ekko didn’t seem like he minded at all, in fact, it almost looked like he was enjoying himself.

When Ekko felt like you had gotten a pretty good grip on how to do the basic steps, he decided to mess with you a little and incorporate a simple spin into it. Which definitely threw you off your balance, just like he suspected it would, and if he wasn’t holding you, you would’ve fallen onto your ass. Not that you’d mind since you were pretty much used to it by this point. But Instead of falling back, you were pulled closer to him, your chest pressed against his. “Careful.” He warned you in a low tone, almost whispering it into your ear and in that moment, you didn’t even register what his words were, your mind busy with concentrating on something completely different at the moment. Ekko seemed to know that, it was like this was his full intention. Or maybe he was just saving you from your clumsiness.

The boy patiently waited for you to snap out of it yourself for a few moments longer, but when he felt like he gave you quite enough time to think, he stepped away and gave you a look that you could only describe as a winning smile. “Right, okay. Again?” You stared at the ground for a little longer and then you finally looked at his face, creating eye contact with him. “You haven’t had enough yet?” Ekko chuckled a little at your words and raised an eyebrow at you. Part of him was surprised that you wanted to continue as he had never painted you as someone who likes things like this, but the other part of him knew you were stubborn, determined and persistent, well in some cases at least. “You know me, I don’t give up easily.”

[cullen-cannons]

Who Broke It?

Edward *totally about to murder somebody*: So. Who broke Bella's hand? I'm not mad. I just want to know. ROSALIE *quirking an eyebrow, obviously messing with him*: Really? You look pretty damn pissed to me.

ESME *frowning*: Rose, language. CARLISLE *just wanting to avoid an argument and more tension because they’re all already stressed about Victoria’s army*: I did. I broke it, let me fix it, please. It shall only take a moment. The fracture appears to be a minor one, I can reset the bone in a second, and I have cast plaster in my office. She will be healed in under six weeks. EDWARD: Of course, please fix her. And I know that. But I also know you didn’t break it. Emmett? I’m sure it was an accident, but vampires don’t make mistakes. I’ve told all of you many times to be very careful with her. She’s the love of my life. ROSALIE *rolls her eyes and shakes her head*: Yeah, yeah. You’ll go and kill yourself if she gets hurt or if she gets scared of us and leaves you, which we can safely assume by now WON’T happen because just face it, you aren’t nearly as scary as you think you are. We know. So shut it.

ESME *thinks about saying something, but agrees with the sentiment, even if not the wording, so she decides not to, but gives Rosalie a warning glance anyway.* EMMETT: Don't look at me. Look at Rosalie, *looking at Rosalie, speaking softer* sorry babe. *looking back to Edward, speaking louder* Read my thoughts. ROSALIE: What?! I didn't break it. I don’t even want to touch the stupid human. CARLISLE *in a warning tone as he takes a slightly concerned but amused Bella upstairs to his office for treatment*: Rose. Please. Be nice.

JACOB *just wants to take a dig at Rosalie (definitely not to redirect suspicion maybe)*: Huh. That's weird. How did you even know it was broken, huh, blondie? ROSALIE: Because she's sitting right in front of us and her hand is broken, dumbass. JACOB: Suspicious. ROSALIE: No, mongrel, it's not! EMMETT *trying not to laugh at his younger sister's overreaction, glancing at Jasper who’s already glaring back and shaking his head*: If it matters, probably not... Jasper was the last one to see her.

JASPER *sighing, but going along with it because he wants to mock Edward*: Liar! I don't even usually go near Bella! EMMETT *thrilled that Jasper's actually playing along for once*: Oh really? Then what were you doing with her earlier?

JASPER: Firstly, Ali was with me the entire time *looking to Alice with clearly false panic* Right, darlin’? And I can't resist a good emotional climate. Everyone knows that, Emmett! CARLISLE *coming downstairs, holding Bella’s good hand to steady her, frowns at his children in the living room below*: Alright let's not fight. I broke it, I’ve fixed it. I gave her some Advil. She is as fine as she will be until the cast comes off. And she’s not in any pain. Right, Bella. BELLA *nodding enthusiastically, a little exaggerated to convince Edward because she’s still a bad liar*: Nope. Can’t feel a thing! Besides, this is nowhere near as bad as the time I almost got killed by a van. *she hopes the joke will ease the mood. It does not.* let’s just focus on what to do about Victoria.

JACOB *tilts his head in confusion. He was unaware of this and it makes him feel slightly protective of Bella.*: Yeah. But when did the van thing happen? *mentally* Of course, that would happen to her. You’re good for one thing bloodsucker, you better have not let her be hurt . . .  Oh, who am I kidding? I bet you saved her, didn’t you? Swooped in like Batman with your dumb sideburns and charmed her.

EDWARD *ignoring Jacob’s words, and refusing Bella’s suggestion of a topic change*: No. Who broke it? *He’s already scowling at Jacob who’s thinking in suspicious detail of the wool armchair in front of him* ALICE *seeing the future*: Oh no, Jacob. You kibble-for-brains! Don’t go there. JASPER *whispering to his wife as he kisses her ear softly, bemused*: What, darlin’? ALICE *sighing and rolling her eyes*: You’ll see. JACOB *getting desperate and ignoring Alice in favour of mentally whispering*: hey, bloodsucker, your mom has been awfully quiet . . .

EDWARD *triggered, understandably because Jacob just insulted his mum*: Really?! JACOB *lost all sense because he’s trying to block his thoughts and simultaneously avoid the beating Edward looks ready to give him as his mental barrier cracks*: Yeah, really! EMMETT *really curious, leans over to Alice*: What’d he say? EDWRAD *scanning Jacob’s thoughts for proof he knows is there and giving him the death stare* ALICE *gives everyone a quick whispered recap*: So, yeah . . .

The Cullens *readying to fight*: He said WHAT about Esme? *Only Carlise remains still, just frowning. He knows Jacob didn’t mean it, but is still a little offended* *but Edward gets to Jacob first* EDWARD *grabs Jacobs’s right wrist and starts twisting*: Your little treaty only covers killing, and I won’t be anywhere as kind. You’re on our land now, wolf, so- ALICE *blinking away a vision, steps out from behind Jasper*: Eddie, stop. As entertaining as this is, he’s about to confess. JACOB: Okay, jeez, fine. At least one of you leeches has respect.  JASPER *snarls a low warning snarl and pulls Alice closer* ALICE *who knows what he’s going to say*: Oh you’re one to talk, mutt.

EDWARD *holding Bella’s good hand, not trusting himself not to maim Bella’s best friend right there as he reads his thoughts* JACOB: Sorry. I did it, I broke her hand. I kissed her and she broke her hand punching my face. Total misunderstanding! ROSALIE “Rapist Ravager” Hale: Are you shitting me, Fido? You. Did. What to her? *already charging* I don’t like her, and maybe she wants to become one of us which is as good as dying, but that still doesn’t give you the right to- The Cullens *all trying to hold her back* CARLISLE *sighing*: I’m so sorry Bella, you must think terribly of us. I swear we aren’t normally so . . . disorganised. BELLA *craning her neck cautiously, trying to see Rosalie and Jacob in the pile of bodies*: They’ll be okay, right?

ESME: Oh, this used to happen every other week when Rose was a newborn. Emmett will take and to cool off and she’ll be fine by morning. Edward loves you, he won’t let your friend be hurt. *looking knowing to her husband* Besides, I know he’ll take his chance to pick at his sister.

EPILOGUE: CARLISLE, ALICE, and JASPER gang up to get ROSALIE and EDWARD (who teamed up for once) off JACOB. It’s a miracle his limbs remained intact. He’s feeling very grateful for his speed-healing.

(A/N: Please, please, please tell me if this made you laugh because I spent way too long on it, plus I lost the work and had to retype it all over again too.)

[thehyperfixationspeedrunner]

This is me trying

On ao3 too

Summary: It's been a month since what Cardan has been calling the "reptile accident" when he decides to get up before Jude, not knowing the consequences.

OR these two are traumatised and they may not acknowledge it, but I will.

Trigger warnings (already put in the tags but I'm not sure if I did it right so better safe than sorry): panic attack, cussing

It's weird how easily you fall into routine. It's barely been a month since what Cardan has started calling the "reptile accident" or the one he likes best "revealing his true form" (although that one isn't used in front of Jude, she's not sure why but she prefers it that way). Anyway, it's been a month since Cardan has been transformed into a snake, since Cardan and Jude has started to live together as the King and Queen of Elfhame but they have already established a routine, even if neither of them has noticed it until today.

Jude is always the first to wake up - Jude was raised by a general and Cardan by a prince, so that part is obvious. She dresses first, giving Mr. Lazy time to sleep, and then she wakes up sleeping beauty even though he always complains that while there aren't people busting into the room saying he's late, she's waking him up early. He never says he hates it. Jude suspects is because he can't lie. From then, Jude orders breakfast while Cardan dresses up, and they eat together before having to deal with their royal obligations.

Today, however, was different. Shockingly, Jude was able to have some good 6 hours of sleep and woke up a bit disoriented. See, this is the bad part about sleeping a lot. When you wake up, your senses take a while to turn on. That's definitely the reason why Jude barely sleeps, at least that's what she tells everyone when they ask her. Because of that, she took a bit to notice that she was alone in bed, which triggered something in her brain. She instantly gets out of bed and starts to look in every corner of their room repeating to herself that everything is fine, Cardan just woke up earlier and is dressing up or putting the hundred of layers that he puts every morning because "I know I look impressive naturally but I am the High King, Jude, I have to look perfect". Except he is nowhere to be found.

See, a small but important part of this quickly created routine was when Jude woke up and she would always look to the side and see Cardan relaxed and asleep, would look at his chest rise and fall and make sure that, yes, he's alive and, no, this last month was not a fever dream, he really is here. Without that confirmation, Jude is starting to spiral, and the fact that Cardan is not in the room doesn't help.

She tries to take a deep breath. She's the High Queen goddammit, she can't panic every time a minor routine change happens. But the truth is that she cannot take the deep breath. She cannot even take a small breath. She's pretty sure she's not breathing at all. But she has to because Cardan needs her. Jude goes through her options: one, he did wake up earlier, got knocked off in the room but somewhere hidden where she didn't check; two, he got knocked off somewhere in the castle and his unconscious body is lying there; three, he got abducted while he slept; four... Maybe last month was a fever dream. No, she is not going to think about option four.

While she does a more precise search through their room, she also tries to think of who would do this. He's the King of Elfhame, so it's obvious that he has a lot of enemies, but she is not remembering anyone who's this mad at him right now. However, her hands are trembling and there's still not enough air reaching her lungs, so maybe her memory is not the best at the moment. You were almost deadly stabbed before the incident.

Ok, he is not in the room, so option number two. This one is not the most likely. If someone knocked him off, they wouldn't just leave him in the middle of the corridor, and Faes don't just slip, so he couldn't have knocked himself out. Besides the palace is huge, it would take too long to search. Maybe you were less healed than you thought. Option number three it is. There are three windows in the room. The climb is hard but not impossible, she has done it herself while having a major injury. A major injury that could have been infected. Jude shakes her head and checks the three windows. None of them is broken and they are all locked from the inside, like they were when they went to sleep, which she knows because she always checks that before going to bed. Unless the person was a master spy (which is an option), she doesn't know how someone pulled that of. The other way into the room is through the door, so she quickly opens it, revealing two knights part of her security.

"Was there any disturbance last day?" She would be surprised that her voice somehow didn't fail if she was at all worried with that right now.

"We heard or seen nothing different than usual, your majesty."

"Have you fallen asleep or abandoned your post anytime during your shift?" The knights were visibly offended by that, but she had to clear all her options.

"No, your majesty. Is everyth-" Having her answers, Jude closes the door, leaving the knights to their jobs. If she was in her right mind she would have noticed that she was still in her bed clothes, her hair was mess, the room was worse and her hands still trembled and her breath was still labored. But she was not her in her right mind. Cardan is missing- He was not here at all. Her husband is missing and she is going to find him. Maybe he was taken outside their bedroom and there is going to be some kind of clue outside of it.

She is about to open the door again when a thought crosses her mind. The lover's bedroom. There is a pathway between that room and the High King and Queen's room. That is how whoever took Cardan got in. No one got in. Hallucinations caused by infections are common, at least for mortals. She slides through the pathway towards the other bedroom but is met with a similar scenario. No window was broken and all of them are closed from the inside, same with the door, no signs of breaking. Stop looking for what you won't find. You know you can barely remember anything after cutting Cardan's head off. It was the serpents head. You know that's the same thing. There was a battlefield where you broke down. You could have easily been stabbed. I would remember it. Would you? Sometimes, our mind purposely forgets traumatic memories. You could have passed out. No. You could have dreamt. Stop. Cardan is dead and you have been feeding yourself this fantasy because you can't deal with the guilt. STOP. You killed him and now you're living in a world without him and you'll keep living in it because that's the reality. I SAID STOP.

Jude. The sound of something breaking. She can't do it. She can't go back to those three days. She can't live without Cardan's mockery. She can't live without his laugh. She can't.

JUDE. She's shaking now, or someone is shaking her, she's not lucid enough to understand. God, he's her anchor. She doesn't know what to do without him. She wants to go back to sleep. She wants to go back to their routine. She wants to hear him complain about waking up early again. She wants to feel his fingers playing with her hair again. She wants-

JUDE! Cardan. She opens her eyes (since when were they closed?) and faces the love of her life's face. He looks adorably worried, full make up and hair nicely treated. She can't help but smile. "Cardan" she whispers, trying not to force her voice tired from screaming and crying (curious, she doesn't remember that). She puts her head in the space between his neck and shoulder and he starts rubbing circles on her back. "Stay" she pleads. Because that's what she's doing, pleading to the universe to let her stay in this fever dream, to have more time with Cardan, even if it isn't real, even if he's dead, even if that's her fault and there's just her to blame.

"Always" and that pisses her off. Because that's what Cardan would say, that's how Cardan looks, that's how Cardan acts and this mind prison has no right to be this close to reality.

"Liar" she spits. He looks mostly confused and a bit hurt but she doesn't care, this isn't real so nothing fucking matters.

"Jude, I would never abandon you-"

"But you did!" she's close to screaming now, but she doesn't care, her voice was cracking, but it doesn't matter. She has to get this out. "You abandoned me for three days because of that prophechy bullshit. You left me to rule Elfhame while simultaneously dealing with the schemings that my father and the frozen royalty was fucking doing and the fact that the love of my life was a goddam snake and then I, and I-" she can't get it out, she still can't believe it.

"You saved me."

"I killed you." she is fully sobbing now, but she can't stop. She gets up (she was sitting down?) and keeps going "You're dead and this is just a manifestation from my brain, because somewhere else I'm also dying and I hope I do because I can't live in a world where you're not. I physically will not be able to continue without you!" She sinks into the floor using the bed as support and Cardan sits in front of her. He has a puzzled expression in his face. They stay some time in silence, Jude catching her breath and Cardan trying to put pieces together.

"Why do you think I'm not real?" he finally asks, his voice tiny as if he's afraid of the answer.

"You weren't there." Jude matches his tone. "When I woke up. I always check to make sure you're there because if you are, then that means you're real and I'm not dreaming. At first, I thought you were kidnapped. That's why I'm here, I thought this was how whoever took you got in."

"My wife, scheming even when she's panicking." he's looking at her with that adoration in his eyes that never fails to take her breath away. "Let's keep scheming, shall we?" He looks at her, waiting for an answer so she nods. "You say that you are dreaming, you're in this coma and you can't wake up. Well, let's test this theory. Did you know that you can't read in dreams?" Another nod. Cardan gets up, picks a book from the bedside table and hands it to her. "Well, can you read?" The answer is yes. The book was a mortal romance that she was sure she had seen in Cardan's hands. That meant that this was real, Cardan was here and she hadn't killed him. Immediate relief washed over and with that came more tears that she hadn't noticed when they stopped. God, she was a mess. This is ridiculous, she is being ridiculous. Trying to look less like she just had a mental breakdown over nothing Jude attempts to clean the tears that don't stop. Of course this is reality, of course Cardan just woke up earlier and went to do god knows what. She's the fucking High Queen and she can't stand when her husband is out earlier, can't keep a cool head, can't-

"Stop." Cardan gently takes the hands that are trying to hide the tears that keep coming, why don't they stop? "Don't do that." His tone is gentle but secure and so goddamn grounding, how does he do it?

"Do what?"

"Close yourself. I could see the moment you realised that this was the reality because that was the moment the mask came back on. You're probably thinking that you don't have the right to feel this way because you can't show weaknesses or whatever bullshit your mind thinks of." Sometimes it's scary how well he knows her. "Don't close yourself from me." He is rubbing circles with his thumb on the back of her hand and it feels so right, everything about him feels so right.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not." His tone is becoming more frustrated. "This is obviously bothering you, but I had no idea and because of my ignorance you just had a fucking panic attack." Her eyebrows went up. "I may have been reading about mortal psychology, but that's not important, what's important is," he moves his hands to cup her face and cleans the tears - that have finally stopped - with his thumb. "You don't have to pretend with me."

"You're one to talk." She retaliates but doesn't push him away. "You haven't said another word about those three days since I asked what it was like being a snake on the same day you stopped being one." Cardan laughs because he's Cardan and he laughs when he's nervous and he is not the only one who knows the other too well, she can see in his eyes that the thought of having to speak of those three days of hell terrifies him as much as her.

He moves to her side and sighs. "We really are made for each other, aren't we?" He seems to consider something before saying. "Let's make a pact. Whenever we want the other to open up, we say a code word and they have to do it after we reveal something that has been bothering us. No lies, no tricks, just the plain truth. Deal?" He gives her his right hand. It is always dangerous to make a deal with a fae, but this is Cardan, they have passed the backstabbing phase when she came back from exile. She takes his hand and shakes it.

"Deal. But we have to choose the word, something that we won't say normally."

"California." The place they went on their honeymoon instead of being on the two weeks celebrations of the Mortal Queen's victory over the serpent. The place where they were just two teenagers in love and not The Queen and King of Elhame, not the warrior and the prince, not the people with traumatic childhood, not the two broken pieces of what should be two whole people.

"Sounds great."

"I said it, so I start." He takes a deep breath and speaks. "I woke up earlier today because I had a nightmare. I wasn't someone trapped inside the snake like people like to believe, I was the snake. When the snake died, I died, even if for a few seconds." Jude takes a sharp breath, she always took comfort in the fact that she hadn't cut his head, but what was trapping him, that he hadn't felt anything. Cardan notices and takes both her hands and looks at her straight in the eyes. "I don't blame you, nor will I ever. If I say something assumimg the opposite, you have the premission to cut my head because that is not me. But as I was saying, when I saw you taking out the sword, I couldn't help but feel relief, but when you dealt the blow I, I-" another deep breath "I couldn't feel anything. I don't remember anything. I died. And that terrifies me. I was. I wasn't there. I replay that in my mind countless days, but today was so vivid, I couldn't fall back asleep, so I got out. I needed fresh air. I needed to be alone with my thoughts. I should've come back when it was time to wake up, I should've woken you, I didn't know that you needed that, but if I did, I would have done it."

They stay a few moments in silence, taking deep breaths and deep in thoughts.

"Your turn."

She wants to sugar-coat it. She wants to say that it wasn't that bad, she doesn't want to see guilt in his face even if it isn't his fault. But Cardan didn't sugar-coated when he revealed that what she did hurt him even if he knew it was going to hurt her. So instead, she says:

"Those were the worst three days of my life. I honestly thought it was going to be ok when we were negotiating with Madoc. That we won, they were going to surrender and we would be fine. Then I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe when Grimsen said that only death would save you. I went to Baphen, I went to the Old King, but all of them had the same answer. Somehow I had to rule the fucking kingdom while grieving a death that I didn't believe in. On top of all of that the court of teeths was on my throat, making plans to try to turn you and me into their puppets like their daughter. The relief that I had when I saw you alive was bigger than anything I thought I could feel, but the time between that and when I cutted the sna- your head it was my lowest. It was a hole and I was at the deep end with no way out. I cannot live without you." She stops to look at him. Look at his black hair and his eyes that look like black holes. His pale skin and his small mouth. No, she can't imagine a world without him. But that moment was close, so close. "I am so scared that I will go back to that void, I'm so scared that the universe wasn't as kind as I thought, I'm so scared to not wake up next to you."

He puts his arm around her shoulder and she puts her head on his. Jude looks up and sees tears running down Cardan's face, so she hugs him, feeling his other arm surround her. They stay silent for some time while Carden cries in Jude's shoulder and Jude just holds him close, all her tears wasted a few minutes ago.

"I'm sorry." Cardan was the one to break the silence.

"Not your fault."

"Liar."

"I wouldn't lie to you." It's the truth.

"May I remind you that you said you were fine while bawling your eyes out a few minutes ago?" OK, half true.

"When you have a nightmare, find me. I don't care if I just went to sleep, I don't care if I hadn't slept in days, I don't care if I'm not even asleep and you have to drag me out of my work, find me."

"When you feel like this is not real, find me. I don't care if you have to send someone to do it, I don't care if you run around the palace screaming my name, I don't care if I'm in the most important reunion, find me."

They break the hug to look at each other and say at the same time, "Deal".

"Sooo, do you want to have breakfast in bed and completely run away from our responsibilities?"

"We're the King and Queen of Elfhame."

"Exactly, there is no one above to stop us."

"We have an entire kingdom depending on us."

"Well, as the High King, I order you to stay in bed with me."

"As the High Queen, I'm going to refuse that order."

"Come on, you're mortal, you can say that we are sick or something." Jude's going to retaliate, but honestly? She's exhausted and spending the night in bed with her husband doesn't seem the worst idea.

"You are a horrible influence, do you know that?"

"Does that mean I win?"

She sighs. "Yes, you win."

"Yay" He says, getting up and doing a little spin like a child who was able to negotiate bedtime with their parents. She can't help but smile at his shenanigans.

Next, he does an extremely exaggerated bow and continues. "After you, my queen."

At that, she fully laughs, takes his hand and goes down the pathway with him. She hates being vulnerable, but with him, it isn't that bad. How do we take the armour off? A piece at a time. She feels like they just took another one.

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So, I had this idea since I finished Queen of Nothing and since I didn't see any fic like this I decided to make it myself. The characters may be a bit OOC, I'm not tha familiar with them. I am not a writer and my first language is not English, so apologies for any mistake. 🫶

Btw this was way bigger than I thought, no idea how many words, but damn, I'm having a brain riot.

[boxbugdotcom]

I TOLD you all my last post wouldn't be the last I rambled about the Buttercubs band AU. I wanna talk about some of the characters more because they will NOT leave my brain !!!! (As I mentioned, this isn't just my AU, fellow creators will be tagged at the bottom)

Specifically I wanna talk about Doc. I mentioned him briefly last post, and even though this AU focuses mainly on the Buttercubs, a LOT (if not all) of the side characters have their own storylines and arcs and are just generally all fleshed out really well. I won't list all of the characters here lol, mainly because there's a lot and more might be added as time goes, plus I've got a big ol' google doc I'm working on organizing, but a character list will be made eventually!!

Anyways. Doc. In this, as mentioned, Doc is a goat/creeper hybrid. One of his arms is mechanical and so is, like, most of the left half of his face. He's also SCARILY tall, coming in at like, 7 feet tall, about. He's got sharp canines and he's hard to read and he's just weird. He doesn't know how to express emotions well, he has bad tone control, he has a hard time being vulnerable. Most of this comes from just.... being how he is. The world isn't kind to different things, especially when that thing was born with sharp teeth and horns. Maybe in subtle ways, maybe in obvious ways, the world has always reminded Doc that he's not like them. He's different and Other, even when he was a kid and he wasn't half machine he was still odd. He made creeper sounds when upset, he gnawed on things that he shouldn't have (cans, wood, cloth, etc. He IS part goat, after all), he stared and smiled with all his teeth. My point is, he's spent nearly all his life being Othered, and then suddenly he's half machine, and it all gets worse, because he's not Human (that's been made abundantly clear to him), he's not Machine, he's some ugly mix of the two that people only call monsterous. And maybe he's fine with it, or he tells himself he is, because he's acted okay with it for this long- he even leans into it a LOT.

But that's so distinctly not what Doc wants. Sure, he doesn't get bothered when someone says it, but late at night, in the moments he won't tell anyone about, he does wish he could just be... soft. It's all he wants; Doc isn't scared of murderers or ghosts or anything ordinary quite as much as he's scared of how badly he wants to be soft. And, if you remember, I mentioned that he and Grian dated for a few months while they were in Uni (which I could make a whole post about that era on its own). And it wasn't... great... for them, to say the least. Not that they were abusive or anything like that! They just both had undiagnosed/untreated bpd and that heavily influenced the relationship. Doc wanted (still wants) something steady and strong and stable and gentle and domestic, he wants his love to feel slow and warm and dependable. But he'd never gotten that, so this was brand-new to him and he had no frame of reference. Grian, at the time, was going through hell and back because of his family, and the only two things keeping him even remotely stable/grounded was Mumbo (because Mumbo was always going to be there for Grian, no matter what) and Uni, and Grian was clingy and needy because all of the love he had experience in the past was ripped away. And then Grian met Doc, someone who matched his intense energy, and they collieded in a firey explosion of messy emotions and unhealthy attachments. Grian would collapse, sobbing, into Doc's arms, tearing into him with claws because that's the only way Grian felt secure, and Doc would hold on tight and talk him down despite the nagging feeling that this wasn't right. And Grian's avoidant-attachment issues were acting up, so all he could do was hold Doc's hand and keep him at arms length. And when it finally ends, Doc never blames Grian, and it all goes inward, and he sits there and he wonders if, maybe, if he'd been different, if he'd been anyone else, if he'd been better, maybe it would have turned out okay. Maybe that was what love was supposed to be like! This was all Doc had experienced in the way of love, so maybe it was all like this, this was all he could get, this was the best it ever got.

That was years ago. Now, they're both doing well for themselves- better, anyways. As well as they can be, of course. Grian's with his band, and Doc... well, Doc sort of stopped looking for anything after Uni. He focused on his redstone, his music, anything other than what happened and finding something better. He and Grian are still friends, they're close, Doc is friends with all the Buttercubs at this point. Then, Doc meets Ren. He's not sure when, or how. He just knows that there was life before Ren, then life with Ren. He can't remember the in-between period. And Ren is made of soft ears and hands and he's social and kind and funny and interesting. And Doc... well, he's Doc, he's made of sharp teeth and claws and horns and it doesn't matter that Ren wiggled his way into Doc's heart like it was nothing, because what's the point of doing anything about his little crush? He only borught it up at all because Grian pushed him to. And! Ren feels the same! And Doc wants, more than anything, he wants to make this work. It's about someone who's been told they're a monster all their life, who's begun to lean into it because if the world will flinch when you smile then why try and fight it? It's about the monster meeting someone who's not scared, who should be scared because everyone else has always been, but they are not and they see the world in this person. It's about soft paws holding deadly claws and realizing that the paws have claws too. It's about realizing that if someone like this, someone as beautiful as this can love you as you are, then maybe it doesn't matter what the world has thought. It's about finding someone who has sharp teeth and doesn't flinch when you smile.

(fellow au creators: @las--nevadas @pndrax)

[whats-she-gonna-post-next]

May I request Snowbugs?? With Tango realizing he likes his ex’s (Jimmy) ex (Scott)?

_____

Ngl, don't know how I messed up the ask thing here... sorry? I think? I'm very bad at Tumblr for someone who has been here 10+ years.

Anyways, I am also sorry this took so long. My brain would not let me write forsome reason e en though I adored this prompt. But here it is! Please enjoy these 854 words that too way too long to write!

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It was a random Tuesday in the middle of March when Tango realized.

He’d made what he could admit was a less than stellar joke that had somehow manage to catch Scott off guard and causing him to laugh and-

Tango was in trouble.

He could listen to that laugh all day, watch as mirth tugged up his lips, as cool blue eyes turned warm, a knowing sparkle that invited you into the joke-

Tango was in big trouble.

When Tango and Jimmy had broken up, he’d counted himself lucky - though perhaps not entirely unsuprised - that they had remained friends. Jimmy had, after all, a habit of remaining friends with exes. Something that had originally worried Tango at the beginning of their relationship, but was comforting when the two had mutually decided that being together just wasn’t in the cards for them, that no one in their friend group had to choose sides, and that he got to keep the news friends he had made through Jimmy.

Like Scott, who’s laugh was finally calming down, who was shifting, turning to face Tango more fully, causing a beam of sunlight to illuminate his cyan waves, creating a halo of light behind him.

Tango was in such big trouble.

“I’m going to go catch up with Cleo,” his voice is amused as he grins full force at the blond, “before you make me pass out due to lack of oxygen.”

Scott pats his shoulder as he move away from Tango before he could try to pul, himself together enough for a response, leaving him to watch him go, a blush high on his cheeks and his mouth hanging ever so slightly open.

Scott was, in a word, amazing.

Tango had always kinda known that was the case, but it was hitting him suddenly how great he was. He was kind, and funny, and cute, and-

And Jimmy’s ex.

Tango buries his burning face in his hands, a defeated kind of groan pulling itself from the depths of his chest.

“You good there, Tango?” A voice calls, and the moment gets worse, lifting his head to look into soft, sweet brown eyes.

“Hey Jimmy, yeah, I’m- I’m fine, promise.”

“That’s good,” he pauses, staring off into the crowd where Scott that disappeared, “he’s quite pretty, isn’t he?”

Tango jolts like he’s been shocked, staring wide eyed at Jimmy.

“Wh-what- what do you- I mean, like- objectively he- I-“ Tango’s words jumble in his mouth, coming out incomprehensible as the smirk on Jimmy’s face grows. He tries for a few more minutes before sighing, slumping with defeat, “I’m sorry, I know it’s weird.”

“Weird? How so?” Jimmy sounds so confused that for a moment, Tango forgets his reasoning.

“Because… well… he’s your ex? And I’m your ex? And like… isn’t there like… a code or something? That says I shouldn’t even be interested in him?”

Jimmy takes a moment to absorb the words before promptly bursting out laughing. Tango’s face burns a deeper red.

“Sorry, sorry,” he apologizes between laughs, “I don’t mean to laugh it’s just, I forget sometimes, that you’re still pretty new to the group. You don’t know the lore yet.”

“The lore?” Tango asks, vaguely incredulously, “what do you mean *the lore*?”

Jimmy sat down beside him, bumping their shoulders together lightly as the laughter finally tappered off. It’s a familiar gesture, a casual touch that never failed to warm Tango, that Jimmy always used in place of a verbal ‘relax.’

“I really don’t mean to laugh at you,” he reaffirms, “it’s actually really sweet that you are worried about that, but it’s entirely unnecessary. It’s just that pretty much everyone in this group has an ex who’s dated another ex. Hell, it wouldn’t even be the first time one of my exes has dated Scott.”

Tango stares at him, mouth slightly agape. He tried to ask follow up questions , but all that came out of his mouth was a stuttered mess of vowels and consonants that had Jimmy off giggling again.

Eventually they both calmed down again, sitting beside each other in amicable silence for a few moment, catching their breath.

“I do get it,” Jimmy told him after a moment, “the idea of it does go against… a lot of societal norms, but it works for us.”

And in a way, Tango completely gets it. Everyone gets along, there is a general sense of compatibility and comfort. It had taken Tango a good bit of time when he and Jimmy first got together to get used to the general touchy-ness that came with simple hang outs. He could see why the lines might get blurred, how easily people fell together and apart. When he actually put some thought into it, it made sense, in a way.

“Is this your way of saying I have your blessing?” Tango asked, only mostly joking.

Jimmy smiled, soft and genuine, “If that’s what you need to hear, yeah, absolutely you have my blessing.”

Tango couldn’t pretend that didn’t relax him, just a little.

Maybe he wasn’t in as much trouble as he feared.

[humanjeff]

Scarlet Nexus

got gifted this 2021-era game randomly by a friend, and ... it's kinda great actually?

it calls itself "brainpunk", which is exactly like cyberpunk only with the word "brain" stuck in front of everything to denote that it's weird psychic technology. this doesn't quite work, but I freely admit that I would definitely 100% call psychic texts "brain messages".

"I AM SENDING YOU A BRAIN MESSAGE. FROM MY BRAIN." <- all my friends would get this Brain Message every single day, until they Brain Blocked me

anyway, first I should cover the bad: this is an anime-style game; some of the characters have semi-skimpy outfits (however there's zero fanservice). the main character in the male playthrough is of the Romantically Oblivious subtype that - naturally - all the girls incessantly flirt with. some of the jokes are ... dated, or poorly translated. at it's heart it's a JRPG, so there's a fair bit of grinding. etc.

now the parts I like: the game is all kinds of fucked up.

[I'll try to stick to non-plot spoilers (i.e. background info) but I probably won't 100% succeed.]

at the start of the game, you pick one of two different characters, which follow two radically different plotlines - I chose the male, Yuito. both characters are psychokinetic (though their weapons differ), both are new volunteers in the psychic branch of the military. after selecting your character you get to watch as the special brain equipment is attached to you and your fellow volunteers/conscripts and you all collapse screaming in agony. perfectly normal start to a game.

yeah so straight away it's revealed that most of the soldiers - not just the new guys - look like teenagers, and are being given grown blockers to slow their aging (to various degrees). if you pay attention to what one of the characters says about how she was forcibly conscripted a few years earlier, you start to realise that the occasional Actual Children you see walking about are extremely powerful psychics subjected to mandatory enlistment when they were very young; they invariably outrank you.

older-looking soldiers are either new adult conscripts (that everyone expects to die) or child soldiers that the growth blockers are ceasing to work on.

also hey there is government censorware in your eyes that prevents you from seeing certain things. don't worry about it!

so on to the game itself. first of all, you don't have skills as such - you modify your own brain. sometimes the map of your brain gets larger and more irregular. don't worry about it!

you are in a squad of guys with variable powers (different to your own) that you can briefly share. as you hang out in your Secret Teen Hideout and become closer and more compatible, this sharing will start to last longer, and you will begin to have visions of your friends that will help you out. sometimes you become them, just for a second. this is normal and fine. sometimes you forget little things, like who is supposed to be giving you orders, or which side you're on, or how you got here, but on the other hand nobody is stopping you from dressing as bad as you could ever want.

haha you can put a stuffed owl on your head! there's a hole in the sky that nobody talks about any more.

after a while, you unlock the Brain Field power, or as I prefer to think of it, AKIRA MODE, where you become psychically overpowered and get to smash everything. your character staggers around drunkenly, clutching their head and laughing and saying things like "I'll destroy EVERYTHING!", "WITNESS my POWER!" and so on. it's unbelievably fun, and will immediately kill you after a few seconds. none of your friends - who see all this - ever tell you to stop doing it.

none of this, though, prepares you for the moment when the media - having had all their computers trashed - releases a sketch of a suspected criminal (the other playable character). I'm putting it behind a break for reasons that I hope will be self-explanatory.

(the effect this picture has on your squad is devastating, by which I mean it immediately cures them of all some of their ailments.)

[phoenix-is-the-hottest-thing]

This may be a bit of a weird ask, but I sometimes feel like I can't really form my own opinion on media I consume. Like, most of the time, while going through hi3's story for example, I follow the story but I don't really think about it? Like, I try to understand what's happening but most of the time (although sometimes I have some thought pop up) it's like I'm just one with the story. And what especially makes me feel like I can't make my own opinions is just how much of other's people's opinions on stuff I see. And when I think about it now, did I ever form an opinion that wasn't "stolen" or "borrowed" from someone else? I also sometimes feel like I was consuming different media from someone cause I'll be like "Wow, x character did y and z that was kinda cool" and another person will be like "Yea it reminds of how Mr.Squarckletickle died to become god and that one napkin was referencing Greek god Coulnaemeus and it was a really shocking to find out that bubblesquigle was actually a son of that god who saves and ruined countless civilization which was all depicted in the book you can find near a bench in CoolPlace" and I just feel like, bad, because sometimes I forget a line right after reading and I only notices very obvious things after second playthrough, but it feels like other people just manage to magically store and find all the lore in their brain while also managing to have a life and do stuff and I'm like. I feel incompetent and that they know some kinda secret that I don't. Anyways this is just me rambling you can delete this ask if you want

Overall it's totally fine to feed off the opinions of others, that's how humans learn what an opinion is, and all the kinds of opinions one can have, BUT. The fact that you're aware and unsatisfied, makes me think that's something about your habits you want to change. And I'm here to tell you: it's totally possible! It's basically studying material, so it can also make you better at academia, haha.

Like... it's not magic! It's very much a learned skill (and a passion for me). It requires rereading, and thinking about things with a bit of distance (in the heat of the moment I also tend to go WOAH THAT WAS COOL), and maybe writing down your thoughts, stuff like that. I often realize things as I describe them to my friends excitedly.

Pick something short to practice analyzing if you have trouble "storing lore", that's totally fine. For example, you can find a poem you like on this website and try to analyze it, and then go look at how other people analyze it. That'll be easier to start on that a video game since poems tend to be short and packed with meaning to find, and since you can often find what other people say about classic works, you can figure out how much you picked up on and what you missed.

You can look up the ways analysis is done too, there's a methodology to it! Sparknotes has a breakdown that'd be a good starting point.

Just try to have fun with it, it's like solving a puzzle. "What did the author try to convey? Did they succeed? Why did they phrase it this way, what is the subtext? Where does it fit in a bigger picture, if there is one? How does it further a theme or message?"

If you ever want to practice on my fics since they're also on the shorter side, it'd be a huge honor~ Feel free to leave a comment like that~ (My works are linked in my pinned post.)

[themissingnumbers]

Okay, okay- I know you said that it was okay for us to make assumptions, but know that I still feel bad about it. But also know that I'm about to do it again.

Are you, like... another Blue? Wait- that sounds all kinds of wrong. Lemme explain my weird thought process here-

Sooooo... You referred to Verdant as "Burū," right? If my brain can make proper connections, then "Burū" means "Blue," I think. Now, in all fairness, this could just be a nickname that I'm looking way too into for no reason, but if she's "Blue" then that would make you "Green." Now wait a second, "Obviously" I hear you saying already—of course, you're Green. That's what you call yourself and that's what we've all been referring to you as. But I'm thinking about this, and by proxy you, in a regional difference kinda way.

You said earlier that there wasn't just one copy or Cartridge of Generation 1 hangin' around. I can only assume that you mean the four commercially available versions of Generation 1: Red, Blue, Green and Yellow. Now, Red and Green were released first in the East, but Red, Blue and Yellow all became geared towards the West and the rest of the world later on, while Green remained exclusive in Japan. I know this sounds like a weird tangent, but I bring this up because in the West, the Rivals name is "Blue," but in the East, it's "Green." The names "Blue" and "Green" got swapped at some point during the international transition, not just for the Rivals but for the Girl characters as well, with who we know in the West as "Leaf" or "Green" being called "Blue" in Japan. So for you to call her "Burū" and you to be named Green, I mean you're in Viridian City and you've even got the spiky hair so... You- You can see how my brain made this connection, right?

…I'm sorry, I don't know why I just yapped this at you. Honestly, your relationships and identity are none of my business. Everything I just said could 100% be a coincidence and I would completely accept that because I know nothing of the world you all live in. Or, I could be extremely dense and could be walking on some very very thin ice with you right now—I don't know! Y'know what? I've said too much. Just- Just write this entire thing off as a weird thought! ...yeah, a weird thought...

Please don't be mad...

Green stares at you blankly for a few seconds, you can't really tell what he's thinking.. Oh no You hope he's not ma-

"SNnnnrrk-BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Oh. He's laughing at you. Really hard too. It takes him a few seconds to compose himself enough to get his first response out

"Heh- Hah- Hehheh- Damn- Heh- I'm not gonna bite yer head off man, am I really that threatening? Trust me- I may get mad easy but I don't just go in on some guy for some bullshit reason I'm not Reddo." He quietly snickers for a couple more moments before seeming to completely calm down enough to actually answer the question.

"But really, No offense taken really. Make your guesses all you want, This one's a good one, but, alas, it'll always be the last answer you come to heh. Anyways though," He pauses, gathering his thoughts before he continues on.

"No, I'm not a Gurin. But I did grow up with one, He's a fine guy. Threw rocks at him and the like, ya know how it is. He kinda ignored me like I wasn't there though. As I said, very good guess, keep it up, 'Like how ya put things together but, nah. Reddo is Reddo, Burū is Burū, Gurin is Gurin, and Me? Well.. I'm just me. My name isn't Gurin anyways, if anything my name is Midori. "

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[copperbadge]

Hi Sam! I’m really interested in what you said about taking an adderall before socializing so that you don’t have to spend the next several days agonizing about the awkward shit you said. I’ve never heard anyone talk about that as a benefit before.

Is it because taking it makes you less likely to say the awkward shit at all? Or because it just makes you less likely to fixate on it later? I mean, either way sounds pretty good, I’m just curious and intrigued.

Yeah, it's pretty fascinating. I'm going to try to put this in coherent order but there is a lot going on here, so let's start with the disclaimer that a lot of this is anecdotal or based in casual research, so I don't have sources to cite, but you should be able to google and explore for yourself.

SHORT VERSION: Adderall doesn't alter my behavior, at least as far as I can tell; it might somewhat inhibit my bad habit of interrupting, but that’s not why I take it. I take it because it prevents me from reacting emotionally to awkward moments in a social situation or remembering those moments later. The result is that instead of thinking "Oh, that thing I did was super awkward" and obsessing over it, when it probably wasn't awkward and if it was nobody remembers it anyway, I just don't have any strong emotion attached to it so I don't remember and feel bad about it later.

It's like if the color red constantly burned your eyes, and you could take a drug that would turn down the saturation. You still see the color, but now you see it the way everyone else sees it, and it doesn't hurt anymore.

The long version is...more complex, but I'm including it because I want to talk about why this maybe happens.

The reason I have such fraught emotions surrounding socializing is that I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is a common aspect of ADHD. It's not the only reason one might obsessively relive embarrassing moments, but if you have ADHD, RSD is the likely cause. RSD is linked to poor emotional regulation which derives from a deficiency in executive function. So this whole family of ADHD symptoms -- poor focus, poor short-term memory, time blindness -- all come from a basic failure of executive function, and so does RSD. And luckily for me, my poor executive function can be treated with stimulants (some people, even people with ADHD, don’t respond well to them). 

Even though RSD seems dissimilar to other aspects of ADHD, because the stimulant addresses a neurological root cause, anything stemming from that cause is, to some degree, alleviated by the medication. 

RSD can manifest in various ways. I'm generally fine when I'm present in a social situation, but I struggle to resolve shame and anxiety around past behavior. I have spent a lot of time worrying that people who, let's be clear, I know love and respect me, have finally had enough of me and something I said or did was the last straw. I know intellectually this is not the case and I have spent my adult life striving to remind myself of that so that I don’t come off as a needy creep who constantly has to be reassured of other peoples’ affections. Emotionally, however, I was incapable of reconciling these memories. They just hung around in my brain, causing me a lot of pain and regret.

So there’s a chain reaction of saying something, realizing it may have been somewhere between "slightly weird" and "deeply upsetting", and encoding it in my memory with strong emotions of shame and fear attached to it. I then involuntarily relive those memories and the emotions attached to them afterward -- usually only for a few days, but depending on the event, sometimes off and on for years. I suspect this derives from our very early ancestors, who had to hard-code dangerous situations into their memories so if they encountered them again they'd recognize them as dangerous. My brain simply encodes every social interaction as having a fairly high level of danger. This situation is fucking life-threatening, don't go near one again or you'll feel like this forever. Except in my case "this situation" is not dangerous, it's just a dinner party with friends or a meeting with a colleague or a first date. 

It seems that the Adderall switches off that instinct to categorize social interaction as inherently dangerous by allowing me to regulate my emotions. If I’m not feeling fear in the moment -- because there’s no reason to be afraid! -- then my brain doesn’t categorize the moment as dangerous, and won’t remember it negatively later. I won’t really remember it at all. So my memories go from “A dinner party where I said three terrible things that I feel shame over” to “A dinner party where I had some really nice conversations.” Do I remember the conversations? Not in detail, and that’s fine. That’s how memory is supposed to work. 

And now, because I know if I take an Adderall half an hour before a party starts I won’t feel shame or fear after the party ends, I’m even more capable of relaxing and enjoying myself, meaning I’m even less likely to feel negative emotions that would cause me to remember things with shame later. I just thought shame was a price you paid for socializing; I knew the amount I felt wasn’t right, but I thought everyone else just put up with some amount of it. But no, it turns out when your brain isn’t constantly looking for a fucking lion trying to eat you in the middle of cocktail hour, the reason people go out and socialize is that it’s...fun to do. And it turns out when I’m not subconsciously terrified that I’m about to be drowned in quicksand, I actually form fond and positive memories of things. 

Which is a little wild to be experiencing for the first time at the age of 43, but better late than never. And it means that while I still struggle a great deal with emotional intimacy, I’m much, much more capable of maintaining social contacts and deepening friendships because my friends can see and talk to me face-to-face and I can enjoy my time with them more.