#anything that sort of connects me to the Ground otherwise i feel like i'm falling

[lazylittledragon]

hi! I absolutely love your art and I get so happy when I see it come up on my feed! 🥰

if I can ask, why does cyra use a cane sometimes? I just saw your art where gale and cyra are with their newborn and cyra is walking with their toddler and she has a cane and I was curious.

have a good day! 😁💚

thank you so much!!!

i don't think i've said much about it other than 'she almost died' aksdhsh but everything went very wrong when the first one was born and she got sepsis, which can really fuck you up long term and she developed chronic fatigue.

she definitely tells the children that she's got a sword hidden inside it

[youremyheaven]

Ketu: Detachment & Connection

I thought I would expand more on the nature of Ketu in this post. Although both Rahu and Ketu are shadow planets (they are the north and south node of the moon) they experience this darkness very differently. Rahu seeks intense immersion in their experiences and seeks to absorb as much of their material realm (Rahu is the head) but Ketu is disconnected from this completely (Ketu being the headless torso) and even if they want to, they cannot immerse themselves in the material realm, they find it disorienting or simply feel disconnected from it all. Its meaningless to them.

The Ketu nakshatras are Ashwini, Magha & Mula

Ketu is in the darkness and to be Ketuvian is to be in a tunnel perpetually seeking the light. It can be a very uneasy energy to inhabit if imbalanced but this is why spirituality is so important to Ketu natives, they have to cultivate spiritual discipline if they are to peacefully embody this energy and find clarity in its detachment. Most people struggle with overattachment, so having this Ketuvian energy is a great starting point since you're already detached but grounding is very important as there is such a thing as being too detached or uncaring.

The Ketuvian struggle for connection reminds me of certain 8h themes and I think 8housers and Ketuvians have a lot in common in that regard. You need to have an intense kind of connection to feel anything at all, everything else feels kind of mild to your senses. Only intensity can wake you up and make you feel "awake" or "aware" as Ketuvians are sort of in this passive detached state otherwise.

I noticed many of these themes in Jungkook's solo songs. He is a Magha Moon and Mula Rising (he has such a puppy energy, it must be Mula's dog yoni hehe)

I had mentioned in one of my previous posts that being heavily tatted (a full sleeve of tattoos or just being covered in tattoos) is a very Nodal thing to do because they're plunged in shadows and making a mark spiritually helps them feel more connected or because they have to indulge in the extremes of anything for it to feel impactful.

Jungkook has a song called "Still With You" released in 2020, widely considered a love letter to army. These are the English translation of some of its lyrics that I found correlating to his Ketuvian energy

"That faint voice of yours that grazed me Please call my name one more time I'm standing under the frozen light, but I'll walk step by step towards you Still with you

With no light in the darkroom I shouldn't get used to it But I'm used to it again The low-pitched sound of this air conditioner If I don't have this, I will fall apart We laugh together, we cry together I guess these simple feelings were everything to me"

Fame can be a very intoxicating and addictive experience for Nodal natives. Since they feel very disconnected otherwise, they experience connection when it is pouring in such a large or vast scale. But this sort of dependence on fame and fans can also be destabilising and unhealthy because you never know when it might all go away. Since fame is so fickle, its dangerous to rely on it to feel "connected". This is why soooo many Nodal natives who are celebrities are sooo often self-destructive. You keep chasing that high and you'll never feel satisfied, you can never fill the vacuum you have and the harder you try, the more empty you feel.

I don't say any of this to be discouraging, im only trying to point out the emotional expectations we place upon certain experiences and even relationships and how it turns toxic and unhealthy when we do that. If we were to use another person to feel connected or tethered to the world, whilst it may work for us, they must feel very drained by being our anchor.

Jungkook has another demo called Decalcomania and the lyrics go like this:

When I see you smile in the screen You're good at everything You're just perfect Feels like I've never been you

Do you even see me? Do you know who I am? Or how do I look now? You don't like me like that

Come and tell me so much, you beautiful heart Oh, I'm gonna listen to you Please

All the numbers too big Can't get out of your game Oh, I want to paint it like you Please

I want to be your decalcomania I want you I want to be your decalcomania I want I want you

He is singing about himself and how he feels dissociated from himself. Fame can be a very dissociative experience for Ketu natives as their search for connection means they feel even more disconnected from the person they become to achieve this connection. Decalcomania refers to the process by which engravings are transferred to another surface (paper, pottery etc). It ties back to Ketu's need to be marked upon, they need something to make an impression on them, literally, because otherwise it does not feel real to them. Jungkook is asking himself to transfer the person he sees on screen to himself, so that he can embody the lightness and joy he sees on him.

Jungkook has another solo song called My Time in which he sings:

"24, feels like I became a grown-up faster than everyone else My life has been a movie, all the time I ran to where the sun rises every single night It's like I've been to someone's tomorrow The boy who found the world too big Keep on runnin' errday, pick the mic up Friends ridin' subway, I'll be in the aeroplane mode All over the world rock on, I made my own lotto But is it too fast? There are traces of losses Don't know what to do with, am I livin' this right? Why am I alone in a different time and space?"

Nodal natives (both Rahu & Ketu) regardless of whether they're child stars or not, have to grow up faster than others. This again makes them feel very disconnected from kids their age, you feel vv lonely.

Oh, I think I was in yesterday 'Cause everybody walk too fast I'm a little kid grown up not knowing it (Like a child who got lost) This got me oh just trippin’ It feels I'm roaming over Don't know what to do with, am I livin' this right? Why am I alone in a different time and space?

It feels confusing and disorienting to live a life that others cant relate to you. Immense wealth and fame can make you feel this way but Ketuvians feel this way in general. They look around them and they feel lost like everybody else is moving too fast.

"Sometimes when I'm gasping for air I wear my hat low and keep running Yeah, I don't gotta know where I go Even if it's opposite of sun One time for the present Two time for the past Happy that we met each other Now 'til the very end"

He's expressing his gratitude for everything even though it feels so alienating and confusing.

There is another song called Stay Alive in which he sings:

"그림잔 커져가지만 Although my shadow grows larger,

괜찮아 너란 큰 빛 덕분이니 It’s okay because it’s thanks to the great light that is you"

This is such a sincere explanation of what its like to be a Ketuvian in the limelight, he's thankful for having such a vast fanbase, the source of his "light" (remember that Ketu is in darkness and is always seeking light) but chasing this light means having to morph into somebody else/feeling disconnected from yourself which he succinctly expresses through the line "my shadow grows larger". Since Ketu is in perpetual darkness and is a shadow planet, it does not confront its shadow on its own. Its the seeking, the constant chasing for the light which they need that brings them to see their shadow.

Perhaps you feel very void and disconnected in general but you have a friend or a partner who makes you feel very tethered, through them you absorb their light but this also means you learn to look at yourself more clearly (Ketuvians are blind to their own nature) and this can be a very disconcerting and difficult experience if you've seldom ever felt "seen".

Emma Watson, Ashwini Sun, Mula Moon

I remember reading this interview in like 2010 where she said that whilst doing red carpets for the last Harry Potter movies she would have these moments where she looked into the mirror and felt very disconnected from the person she saw.

She subsequently turned to yoga and meditation and is even a certified yoga instructor. She has also mentioned going on silent retreats.

Ketu natives truly find balance in their lives when they cultivate a spiritual practice and devote themselves to it. Emma has largely stayed out of the limelight in the last decade or so and will probably continue to do so, this is very Ketuvian again, these natives find social interactions, especially the kind of intensive press tour celebrity life to be very draining, they need to retreat and do things in a way that is "real" to them. Emma has spoken about taking a break from acting and working behind the scenes.

Jungkook deleted his IG despite having 40+ million followers and like most Ketu natives he is very private and has no social media. It does not feel natural or real to them.

In her British Vogue interview, Emma said,

"...Her characters have felt, at times, “much realer” than she was. “I’m just so glad that I did [step away from acting] because I have this feeling of having my own voice and creative space and sovereignty in some way that I don’t think I did before".

This time has allowed Watson to concentrate on her “inner scorecard” (how you feel about yourself on the inside), versus her “outer scorecard” (your outward success, as seen on social media, for example). “I get a front row seat [with] some of the most successful, beautiful, incredible people in the world,” she says of Hollywood’s inner sanctum. “And when you have that seat it becomes very, very clear that there is just absolutely no level of success that will make you in any way happy or content if you do not like who you are or enjoy what you’re doing when no one’s watching.”

All of this feels like evolved, balanced and mature Ketu energy.

Miranda Kerr, Ashwini Sun

She is another person who I've always thought embodies a very healthy and evolved Ketuvian energy

Here's an excerpt from her interview:

“First, I try to do a little meditation and yoga, depending on how I feel. I've been meditating since I was 18. I've learnt Transcendental Meditation and Kriya Yoga Meditation, but sometimes I'm just too much in my head and so I need to put on an app. I use Insight Timer, which has different guided meditations, from a five- or 10-minute meditation or deeper ones which help if I can't sleep.

“Gratitude puts everything into perspective. The way that we speak to ourselves is really important, and to be aware to pull yourself up if you’re being self-critical and try and look at things in a positive way. For example, we can look outside and say, ‘oh my goodness, I can't believe it's raining’, or we can look outside and go, ‘well, it's cosy when it rains, I'd love to be inside and I get to wear my favourite scarf’ – we can switch our whole perspective on so many things. For me, waking up in the morning and thinking of at least three things I’m grateful for is so important. Just simple things like, ‘I’m grateful that we have fresh running water’.”

Salma Hayek, Magha Rising

Salma has been practising meditation and yoga for decades and has said: “It’s actually feeling the energy,” she said. “It moves and it dances inside of you, different sensations and emotions. So I use a lot of the frequency machines.”

Hayek claimed that her meditation works wonders for her appearance. “Sometimes when I’m doing it, people tell me when I come out of the room, ‘Oh my god. You look 20 again,'" she said.

She also warned that if she stopped meditating, her face would suffer. “When I don’t do it for a while, guess what?” she said. “The face starts to drop and everything starts to drop.”

Spirituality comes easier for women than men imo and Ketuvian women are more likely to buy into all things spiritual like crystal cleansing, chakra reading and even other offbeat spiritual techniques.

Gigi Hadid, Ashwini Sun & Rising

Gigi is another person who embodies really healthy Ketuvian energy

In her interviews, she always sounds very grounded and tethered. She said:

"I got pregnant and I really started to think about what I wanted after, when the world opened back up. (she got pregnant during covid) It kept coming back to just a more stabilized schedule where I’m not in a different country every week. This is very stabilizing. I have an office that I come to. I know everyone here. I don’t have to look a certain way to show up. It’s a different experience for me, and it was the right time because I was ready for that,” 

To realize what is causing you to feel unstable and deliberately manoeuvre your life to create that stability requires self-awareness and maturity.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mula Moon

He has talked about how bodybuilding and building his physique really helped him feel connected to himself in a different way. I think this is an interesting manifestation of Ketu's disconnection and need to go to extremes to feel anything. Arnold's workout routine from his Mr World days is pretty insane, he worked harder than anybody else and was single-mindedly focused on it. Pushing yourself to such extremes and committing to it is difficult but those Ketuvians who can do so will benefit from it immensely.

Ketu is detached from the material realm. For a Ketu native that isn't tuned into their spiritual side, this can mean feeling disconnected in general but the blessings of retreating to spirituality, slowness, stillness etc means shifting to a version of life where you feel anchored within yourself without depending on anybody or anything to feel that way.

All of the people I mentioned above turned away from the spotlight or made choices to make their lives more grounded and stable and as a result they feel content and satiated. They are detached from the material realm but firmly tethered to the things that matter to them.

I just wanted to make a brief post about how Ketuvians embrace their shadows and how spirituality anchors them.

I hope this was insightful.

[ladyofthebookcase]

the wiki is locked until the 11th so ive had to resort to making my own observations about creatures and what they do. here are some notes off the top of my head

nudibranchs:

definitely passive

aposematic and poisonous (but seemingly not all of them???)

give differing amounts of food pips also? between 1 and 2

if you stab them, you can make a poison spear and they can withstand one spear hit so they're tougher than they look

native to watery areas like coral caves and rusted wrecks

barnacles:

seem to like being in groups and climbing on each other to block off pipes

when threatened(?) they start to shriek and hiss and spew water out of their coral tubes? the purpose of this is unknown because it doesn't actually seem to do anything, but maybe is just a threat display idk

cannot be killed????

have mild electric charge as a defence mechanism

loaches/slop beasts:

seemingly omnivorous from what i've observed; they don't always eat slugcats, but it seems to be that if you fall on one from a great height and get stunned they'll slurp you up

otherwise they seem to mostly graze

rain deer ish ai; ive seen them climbing on top of each other and getting stuck on terrain before

they appear to be blind and have four long facial tentacles that they use to feel out prey

capable of eating green lizards

spearing them doesn't seem to do much

may have some connection to lizards/the rot because rotted versions of them were seen in rotted garbage wastes, and no other unlizard creature has been seen to be rotted so far? their eating is similar to rot but otherwise i got nothin

gila monsters:

their spit has some kind of effect that prevents cicadas from attacking; could just be that it dampens you, since mud does the same thing

bioluminescence??? their spit is at least brightly colored, which i'm not sure why

probably a lizard subtype like axolotls since they have a different head and body shape but are still able to become rotted (i have Theories about the lizards and their connection to the rot but that's a different post)

they can burrow out of the ground; it's probably meant to be limited to sand, but currently they can burrow out of ANY ground which like jumpscare hello there

those rattling things in rotted regions:

they rattle when you get near them, seemingly as a way to alert the rot creatures nearby

they don't actually attack or hurt you themselves, but will pick you up and incapacitate you; presumably this is also so that rot creatures can grab and eat you

symbiosis???

they make a batfly grab sound and i'm not sure what that does-- maybe a way to lure in slugcats? but they don't eat them so idk

can be stunned with a spear or rock, allowing you to pass

moths:

seemingly peaceful at least to slugcats??

i've seen a group of them kill a blue lizard tho

they sometimes pick you up and drop you from a great height to kill you-- i'm not sure if this is intentional or buggy ai bc they didn't eat me when they did that

clumsy, raindeerlike

some of them have their little proboscis tongues sticking out and others do not-- again not sure why but it's very cutes

are they carnivorous?? probably not with those tongues but then why do they kill

they cast shadows like vultures!

lizards are afraid of them

i thought the small moths in ancient urban were their babies at first but after seeing the [SPOILER] there i now think they're probably actually ancestral forms of the current moths; they are small, unable to fly as much as their current counterparts, and harmless.

rats rats we are the rats

also found in ancient urban and nowhere else, so they probably died out

seem like common earth rats honestly

edible and harmless

very cutes

fancy neuron things:

when idle, they do a sort of "projection"; unclear what this is for but it's likely related to the mechanisms of the locations they're found in

exhibit a symbiotic relationship with the big living pipes in which they inhabit them and allow them to become mobile and defensive, blowing toxic smoke at infiltrating creatures

probably serve a role similar to inspectors in their host facilities, since they seem to be found exclusively in industrial environments

alive pipe:

incapable of moving or doing anything without a fancy neuron

you can pull out the stopper things in it and eat them and it's gross, it shoots out some water and squelches

those stopper things can be stored in a shelter, but they vanish and become intangible the next morning

they also appear to visibly decay when no longer connected to the pipe

they seem to have an optic nerve like thing?

glacial lizard:

seemingly extremely hostile and tanky

covered in "fur" that probably insulates them from their own extreme temperatures if i had to guess? since other lizards in those locations don't have it but rather have the spikey things they have in saint's campaign

are surrounded by winds that knock potential attackers away

they can charge up and release a literal beam attack for some reason-- unclear how this would have naturally evolved, so they could be artificially created because Come On Man how do you naturally evolve a fucking beam attack

i dont liek them they're too OP

drugs lizard:

have a natural field of time dilation similar to what mushrooms give you, that affects them and any creature that gets near enough

probably get this by eating mushrooms, like how monarch butterflies are poisonous bc of their diet

being in range of their field for too long causes you to start taking what i've been assuming is poison damage, or else a drug overdose; if exposed to it for too long you just die

they're very annoying and their ai seems a bit buggy

snear (snail deer):

another mostly defensive creature

walks on long legs to avoid the sandworms most likely

cicadas don't attack them

when a creature gets too close to them, they retract their legs, collapse to the ground, and activate "drill mode", wherein their snail shell ignites like an engine and they start bouncing around

instantly kills any creature that touches it while in drill mode due to excessive kinetic force

probably their shells are shaped like that to create a football bounce effect and heighten their potential for damage

they do seem to pursue you while in drill mode but they're pretty easy to evade

obviously not naturally like that

sandworms:

i'm not super clear on these cus i've only had a handful of encounters

they just hide in the sand and when you come near they attack you

can be hit with spears

frog:

amphibious, lives in dark damp areas or floats on the surface of water (can be avoided by swimming underneath)

latches onto creatures to suck out all the nutrients

not sure how you get them off but it's not by going in water

probably a snail would help

scav priest:

very cool

they can weaponize their karma and use it both as a defensive shield (it goes down each time they're hit and then releases a blast at karma 1) or to just explode and save themselves if captured

some have blindfolds and others don't, but all wear golden elite masks and capes

they can echolocate!!!!! so cool!!!

they probably trained themselves to do that by being blindfolded and i assume the karma thing is achieved through the power of religion

but also who brought religion to the scavs. how do they fit in with normal scavs. i have many questions.

ive probably missed something bc there are just SO MANY new creatures in this dlc it's really fantastic

[more-than-a-princess]

@quickdeaths asked: [ cherry ] what is one thing you love about yourself? + [ canary ] do you have pets? if yes, how many and what? + [ olive ] what gives you the most inspiration for your muse(s)? + [ mauve ] give one random headcanon about your muse / one of your muses.

Colourful Interview (Munday meme) - Accepting!

[ cherry ] what is one thing you love about yourself?

These questions are never my favorite because it's awkward to brag about anything in my family unless it is professional/career success, but in contrast to a lot of my extended family, I'm very determined to succeed that way but on my own terms. A lot of my family rests on their laurels, so to speak, and feels they don't really have to work hard to be well-off and successful. But I've worked my way from the ground up at my job and while I'm not satisfied with where I'm at right now (and can do much better), I can still say I did it myself.

This is in contrast to extended family members being terribly puzzled why I simply can't 'summer in Tuscany' this year, or spend all of fall exploring wineries throughout France. No, I have a full-time job with health insurance, a 401k, and limited days off but I've earned them with my own hard work. And I'm proud of that (and used zero parental connections to get hired in the first place).

And in a slightly vain love: my fashion sense is on point and my friends know that if they want my opinion, I will not sugarcoat it for them. It's not easy to dress a plus-sized body with decent fabrics, cuts meant for my size, and not have it look like a fast fashion disaster or something a retiree might wear.

[ olive ] what gives you the most inspiration for your muse(s)?

Probably the best answer is what doesn't give me inspiration for my muses? Ha. And it's mostly things like fantasy literature/TV/movies (Game of Thrones would be the obvious example, but other things similar to that), video games, and most anime/manga interpretations of royalty. While they're fun to read, they don't really help cultivate the vibe I've always wanted to write for Sonia and her family, which has always been rooted in historical fiction, biographies, documentaries, contemporary fiction of royalty and upper classes in general, and news/current events. Not that there's anything wrong with the fantasy royal route: it's just not my thing.

But otherwise here's a few things:

Books: From classics written by Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Edith Wharton to more contemporary offerings from Dominick Dunne, Julian Fellowes, Tom Wolfe, and Kevin Kwan...I read. A lot. And beyond romance novels of all sorts, rich and/or royal problems are my particular literary interest. Ironically, the reading list that the character Corinna provides Kitty Pong Mrs. Bernard Tai in China Rich Girlfriend as part of her 'Appeal to old Hong Kong money crash course' is a good start. (Mild spoiler for book series that's been out for years, but still)

TV/Movies: Split between historical dramas (of comedic and less-comedic varieties), documentaries, and contemporary dramas most of the time. Considering how both quiet luxury and mocking the super rich are both trending right now (ahead of the likely recession), it's hard not to watch things like The Menu, The White Lotus, and Succession for some inspiration. Otherwise, everything from Downton Abbey, Bridgerton, The Gilded Age, and The Great to The Royals, Gossip Girl, Elite, and The Crown is up for fair game. I watch some Asian dramas too, but often more contemporary than historical for inspo. And plenty of royal documentaries (and I'll probably be watching King Charles III's coronation live, too).

Publications: Tatler (and I've mentioned it IC, too!), Town and Country, and Vanity Fair especially. But I look over gossip magazines as well for scandal inspiration.

Royal websites and social media: Yup. These too, for a variety of royals. Great for checking out social diaries, charity ideas, etc. For the fan questions Sonia and her family are asked? I follow royal confession and shitpost accounts for inspo. I had no idea there were so many people who diligently tracked when and where pieces of various crown jewel collections are worn, but they exist.

Real life: And finally, some of my ideas/plots/headcanons come from people and situations I know and/or experience personally.

[ mauve ] give one random headcanon about your muse / one of your muses.

Going to piggyback off the last question for this, but one of my headcanons for Sonia's younger cousin Sam (Prince Samuel of Novoselic. His father, Prince Arthur, is the King's younger brother. And a duke in his own right, alongside being a giant headache for a lot of people, Sam included) is that he learned how to fly a plane before he learned how to drive a car. This was an acceptable hobby growing up for him, as it would allow him to serve in the national air force for mandatory service required of all Novosonian royal men. But mostly, he wanted to learn because he could blissfully block out all of the family stress and squabbles thousands of kilometers in the air.

In the clouds, no one cares about the royal line of succession, net worth, who's who in the peerage, who went to which school and knows which person, who runs which charity, etc.

It's just him (and an instructor, and a bodyguard), the controls, and the sky.

This headcanon and the reasoning for it are based off of someone I know very well, and while they don't know I included this in one of my OCs for Sonia's family (hell, they don't even know I RP), I'm happy to honor them in this way.

Maybe after I eventually write the whole "Royal Residences" headcanon post I should work on a Sonia's family tree headcanon post

[ canary ] do you have pets? if yes, how many and what?

Ah yes, time to pay the pet tax!

Yes, I have one cat of my own. This is Molly, aka. Princess Molly, the true ruler of the house and my life.

She is a formerly feral buff tabby tuxedo girl, thus the notched ear. A rescue organization saved her from a cat colony when she was six months old, holding her own against a bunch of adult cats. I knew she was the cat for me at adoption day when she tucked herself into my arms and hissed at kittens and human children alike.

I like kittens, but I've got no interest in having human children of my own, so we really are kindred spirits.

Molly enjoys: sunny spots, windows, seafood feast, chicken feast (but only if the chunks are mushed up by me or my husband with a fork before presenting it to her. She doesn't like the pureed version: only the chunks but further pureed by hand), quiet, solitude, sitting on my belly while I read, watching the electric kettle come to a boil, my leather shoes and handbags (the higher the quality, the better to rub her face on), heated blankets, watching British dramas, grooming herself and her parents, sleep, ordering her mother and father around.

Molly dislikes: noise, anyone besides her mother and father entering the house, when her mother and/or father leave the house (they may not be coming back!), closing the bathroom door so she can't supervise shower and/or toilet time, stompy feet, salmon, turkey, coughing, sneezing, other cats, dogs, children of all sorts, people, cleaning her perch mats, when her catnip toys lose their flavor, and Amazon Alexa.

[astro-rain]

delicate; b.barnes

chapter fourteen - “pinky promise”

delicate masterlist

word count: 2.1k

synopsis: bucky and the reader reconvene after the events of the previous night, figuring out what they need to do from there. pinky promises are endearing but they don’t prevent the effects of distressed regret & emotional frustration.

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

She awoke with wet regret staining her cheeks. She remembered falling asleep with shame, liquid guilt seeping out of her eyes. Slowly and silently weeping herself to sleep while drunk. What a colossal fucking mistake she made. She felt terrible, and she could only imagine how Bucky felt. She needed to apologize. Immediately.

She found that her shoes were still on when she got out of bed.

"Oh, Christ," she huffed at her messiness.

Regardless, she grabbed a jacket for protection from the chilly Wakandan morning air before rushing to the door, determined to find Bucky as soon as possible and apologize profusely for the previous night.

She opened the door but before she could dash out, she smacked directly into what felt like hard wood. Wait, no. The "hard wood" was a chest, and that chest belonged to a person... it was Bucky. Damn it.

"Sorry!" the two exclaimed simultaneously.

They both backed up.

"Y/N..."

"Bucky."

"Can we talk?"

"Yes. Please."

They awkwardly made their way into the room, eventually sitting side by side on the end of her bed. The air was quiet and void of their usual content and lighthearted atmosphere. Both of them sat staring straight forward.

"Bucky, I... I am so sorry about last night. I know being drunk isn't an excuse for being unprofessional, but I really have no other explanation as to why I'd ever do something so inappropriate. I feel awful and I can't imagine how uncomfortable I've made you. I will completely understand if you don't want to work with me anymore. I can talk to Shuri or T'Challa and we can find someone else to take my place if—"

"Woah," he turned to her, slightly alarmed. "Slow down, slow down. Who said anything about replacing you?"

"Well, I just thought after...last night, you'd rather have someone else work with you. It probably wouldn't be wise to continue treatment with me after certain... professional boundaries have been damaged."

"I'm not working with anyone else."

She looked at him bewildered, but he looked dead serious.

Y/N shook her head. "I—"

"Look, I'm not a therapist and I don't know the criteria of your 'professional boundaries'... But you were drunk. It happens. I don't think any less of you because you had a little too much. Believe me, I've been there."

"I know, but it's not necessarily the drinking that was the problem. It was... my actions."

"Right. And I don't think leaning a couple inches is really grounds for leaving Wakanda."

It was more than just "leaning a couple inches," and she knew that. She was humiliated by her drunken errors, but it was seductively dizzying to be that close to him. In the moment, she relished in every second, every atom of hers that was touching him. However, it was the afterthought that was the problem, the realization of what she had done and how wrong it was.

"Bucky..."

"I'm not working with anyone else."

"I'm not the only good therapist, you know."

"But you're my therapist. I don't want a new one."

"And I don't want to disrupt your progress, but there's no way I can keep treating you after last night."

"Why not? What's gonna happen if you do? Nothing."

"It's not that simple."

"Nobody was here. No one knows but us. There's no way you can get into trouble."

"It's not entirely about getting in trouble. It's about the nature of our relationship and how that change can impact how effectively and ethically I can treat you."

He was quiet for a minute, thinking.

He shook his head, looking down at his feet. "We can work something out..."

"I don't think so, Buck..."

"So you're just gonna leave then?"

"I think that's what needs to happen."

He turned his head to her, making deliberate eye contact.

"Y/N, please."

"All I wanna do is do right by you, and I can't do that after I've compromised our relationship."

"But you didn't compromise—"

"Bucky," she exasperated, "Can you please try to understand?"

"Can you please try not to be so hasty about things? Our relationship is fine. You don't need to leave."

Stubborn. He was being stubborn. But, all she could see was strong will and passion. That was the problem. All his faults morphed into aptitudes when they filtered through her perception.

"I really care about you, Buck. I just want you to have access to the help you need, and as much as I hate to say it, I don't know if I can be that help anymore."

"Can't we just try?"

"Try what?"

"Just... hear me out. We can continue the sessions as if nothing happened, and if everything is fine, then great, but if not, then you can go."

Is that what it would take for him to be okay with her leaving? Is that what it would take to make her departure less of a complete upheaval? There was no way this would work, she thought. But what were the lengths to which she would go to make the transition smoother? Was she willing to make sacrifices to help ease his hardships? She reflected for a minute.

For him, she would. For him, she considered, she'd do most anything.

"Okay," she said after brief contemplation. "We can try. But you have to keep in mind, the entire time, that I still might have to leave in the end."

He smiled, sincerity almost suffocating her. "Thank you."

"Promise me you won't be disappointed if I end up having to leave."

"You want a pinky, blood oath, or spit shake?" he asked, jokingly.

"Bucky," Y/N deadpanned.

"Well, it's not like we need to promise, because you won't have to leave... 'cause everything will be fine."

God, she hoped so.

"Promise me anyway. Just in case."

"Fine. I promise. You have my word."

She held out her hand to him, pinky finger raised high.

"Make it official."

"You know I was kidding?" he asked.

"I know. But you brought it up, so now you're payin' the price," she smiled, feeling herself momentarily slipping back into their dynamic. "Officially promise me with your pinky, James."

In acquiescence, he lifted his hand up to hers, pinky extended, and wrapped their fingers together. As it turned out, her hand had desires of its own and begged for additional contact. It yearned to smooth over the skin of Bucky's hand and press their palms together. Her hand wanted to intertwine the rest of their fingers and hold on ever so tightly. It wanted to hold on and never leave Wakanda, never leave his side.

As it also turned out, the hand is not the mind. These were surely not Y/N thoughts. Definitely not... Desires were kept repressed and no actions were taken. Sorry hand.

Their fingers stayed connected for just a few brief seconds of silence. Not nearly long enough for it to be awkward or for them to get second thoughts about the integrity of their agreement. Their fingers disconnected.

"So..." Bucky started, "are things gonna be weird now? With us?"

"They don't have to be, but I guess it depends."

"On what?"

"I don't know. Whether you're upset with me over what happened - which you have every right to be."

"Upset with you? No! Not at all. It seems like you're more upset than I ever was."

"I'm only upset because of what I did!"

"Well, I'm only upset because you're upset, so... stop being upset."

"I-..." she sighed. "Okay. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too. Are we good?"

"You don't have anything to be sorry for..."

"Just say we're good."

She let out a nervous laugh.

"Fine, we're good. I'm just surprised at how you're so cool with this."

"Well, friends bounce back quick, right?"

Her demeanor changed. The mood sunk.

"Bucky..."

"No, no. Don't sit there and tell me that now we aren't friends. You just pinky swore with me," he said with a meek smile, attempting to lift her mood back up. "C'mon, that counts for something."

She looked down at her hands, suddenly missing the skin-to-skin contact. "I just think it might be better to be more professional and less... personal."

"Better for who exactly? 'Cause I know it wouldn't be for me."

She turned her head to look at him, face earnest and contrite. He only looked confused and a little mentally disheveled.

"I want to make this new... plan thing work. If you don't want me to have to leave, we have to reinstate some sort of boundaries, Buck."

"So boundaries means throwing away being friends?"

"I'm not throwing it away. I want to make sure we can be successful, and to be successful we have to be a little more..." she took a breath in, hating how much she kept bringing up this word, "professional. We gotta have more good days than bad, you know?"

A few beats of silence passed them by. Bucky's expression softened to a dangerous level of sincerity.

"I think you are my good days..."

Y/N tore her gaze away. She couldn't do this. She wished he wouldn't say such gentle things; she was trying so hard. The tension in her heart began to frustrate her. And it was because of him. She wished her emotions weren't always so escalated in his proximity.

"How long were you outside for?" she changed the subject.

"All night."

"What?!"

"Just kidding. Only for a couple minutes. Why are you changing the subject?"

"I'm not."

"You really are. And you're uneasy."

Trying to deny feelings was harder when someone else called them out.

"Stop trying to analyze me."

"M'not analyzing. I'm just reading you."

Reading her?

"Reading me?"

"Yeah. You were looking at me, but now you turned away. You're bouncing your leg but otherwise you're completely still, tense, like you are when you're nervous. You're also turned away from me... kinda like you don't wanna be near me."

Yeah, because her heart felt like it was going to burst.

She stood up, walking away from him and his infuriating correctness. How dare he know her like that? Anger bubbled in her stomach. She faced him, arms crossed over her chest, as if shielding herself from his prying efforts to understand her personality. How dare he decipher her.

"Really?" she huffed, amped up nervousness morphing into irritation. "You barely slept last night, and it's not just noticeable because of the bags under your eyes. You do this thing when you're tired - you blink really slowly and then rub your eyes. It's subtle. How's that for reading? Oh, and you're more uncomfortable about having one arm than you let on. When you sit next to me, you always make sure to sit so that your arm is on my side. In fact, you're so bad at tolerating uncomfortable that you refuse to even think about getting a new therapist - even though it's the right thing to do - because you don't want to deal with the change."

She took a breath after expelling her vexation. Bucky stared at her with wide eyes, never before hearing her angry, much less at him.

"That's not why..." he all but whispered.

"You know I can tell when you're lying, right?"

"Apparently not," he rolled his eyes. "And I thought we made a deal."

"I think you should leave."

He looked up at her. "Y/N.."

She turned away from him, deciding she couldn't handle looking him in the eyes.

Glancing at the door, she muttered, "I'll see you at our next session."

"But— I thought..."

"A deal's a deal. I'll see you, Bucky."

The room was eerily silent until Bucky decided to move. She could feel his eyes on her, searching for something, anything out of her. Perhaps she was hasty, but there was no room for second thoughts, second emotions. She completely steeled herself. Feeling around him was just... a lot. A lot to deal with. Maybe too much.

"Okay," he said, voice quiet. "I'll see you... I guess."

With that, he left. He left her in an empty room with empty feelings and an empty hand. She looked down at that hand, the very same one that wrapped its finger around his in the lighthearted simplicity of a juvenile gesture. Joy with Bucky was like that - simple. Being happy was effortless with him. Yet, it was so troublesome to be displeased with him. She could sense another distressed night sleep coming her way.

delicate taglist: @bakugouswh0r3 @thefridgeismybestie @strivingforelegance @ilovespideyyy @xpurpleglitter @bluelakeee @darkacademic2 @nickkie1129 @eclipsedplanet @paradisedixon @crazy-beautiful @coffee--writes @lauxrens @lilithknight1111 @buckybarnesishot310 @softladyhours @alwayssandy @quxxnxfhxll @those-sea-green-eyes @hero-ically @devilswaldorf @cc13723things @buckys1thiccbih @maravderofthephoenix

[tomatograter]

i saw on twitter you reread the epilogues! would it be okay to ask how you feel about them now on a reread? have any of your opinions changed, for better or worse? i've really loved the art and analysis that's come out of your tumblr/twitter ever since they dropped, so i'm excited to know what you think. i couldn't get a great read on your feelings based on your tweets so that is why i am asking directly, hope that's okay!

Not much changed. That wasn't the first time I attempted to re-read the HS Epilogues, I've gone through bits and pieces of them a handful of times in the years since the original release and it's an effort I make to remind myself of events that happened because I tend to... forget. I don't mind reading books, I like those! In the hellscape that was 2020, according to my StoryGraph stats (great new site, by the way, stop using the Amazon-clawed Goodreads and transfer your account to a black led effort to diversify the current literary environment) I managed to read about 22 new books. Not too shabby for a total dumbass. The problem isn't that it was text-only, they just sort of mush together as a nondescript mass in my brain given enough time. 

The first time I finished the epilogues, I said they felt like a purposefully unfinished text, but one at odds with itself (though in much more undercooked words, as I had just spent the last 2 days busy reading it) and it's an impression that has deepened since.

I do not mean anything like "Meat contradicts Candy" with this, that'd be foolish; the dissonance is the fucking point. I know how dubiously canon alternate universes work and I *enjoy* them, otherwise I wouldn't have wasted years in the circus ring that is accompanying Big 2 Comics in the hopes they'd do anything genuinely cool with that concept. Instead, I find there is a general problem in terms of internal cohesion. The Epilogues want to be a lot of things at once, be it a continuation, an expulsion, a deliberate attempt at public scorn, a somewhat genuine play in heartfelt analysis, a reinvention of what came before, or a loaded gun pointed straight at one's own foot. And in the process, they end up undermining the impact of their own strongest moments. 

I don't like the Epilogues. Their lukewarm indecisiveness makes for a poor reading experience that needs far more asides, warnings and 'before you read it-'s than the book is worth. It is a text with a particularly distasteful, juvenile fixation in the show and repeated humiliation of sexual abuse victims, and manages to be more regressive about its female characters and what roles they're allowed to play than Homestuck, the 2009 Comic, ever was. And that was disappointing. It's as if the coming of adulthood must sort them into one of two categories: "wanted, desirable" woman or "unwanted, undesirable" woman. It also interacts with trans women in a really shitty way. It is a text married to traditional white-centric politics that makes an attempt to challenge them from that same perspective but falls flat on its face by pulling big moves like "making the alien-Hitler analogue character fight for a rebellion meant to represent racial liberation" and other unsavory choices. But I don't need to like the Epilogues to acknowledge them as both a text that exists and works within a shared universe. 

They're pretty fertile ground for dissection and analysis. I think it's interesting how they accentuate some of the worst facets of the HS "canon"/"lore" by being incredibly blatant about their connection to stuff like the Skaianet archives, how they play with Fanservice and Fan Expectation by dedicating so much time to solving or sinking ‘The Davekat Equation’, and how they elaborate on complex facets of old characters. It's a text that acknowledges the existence of fanfiction and popular fanworks on a direct quotable basis (like "Can't sleep without holding onto a motherfucker" of 4Chords fame) as well as Fan Movements that preceded it (the also Gamzee-based "Free the clown!" Rush from 2016) it's intrinsically interactive, and that's not something you can say about a lot of media. The olive branch beckons.

I don't recommend the Epilogues. To me, the Epilogues portray glimpses of two potential, but not absolute, futures soaked in limiting metadoomer pessimism, best appreciated as "what-if" tales taking on the questions of serialization, post-myth, the self-cannibalistic nature of franchises, the abstractness of Canon, the absurdity of fanon, and why fascists like milk. The Epilogues are also not going to magically disappear or un-exist from our collective recollection anytime soon, or… ever. These statements coexist. 

I think complex feelings towards media are best put to use in the making of your own art, which is unsurprising, given the fact I'm an artist and a fag, & I've personally enjoyed creating things that interact and rebuke aspects of that text. I've also been graced with the existence of wonderful art from others doing the same, may that be in the form of illustrations, written epics, analyses, comics, videos, songs, the collective transgendering of the series' main character, and all sorts of harder-to-categorize community creations. You can make the best of it. That's my favorite part of the whole ordeal, and one I don't regret one bit. 

I hope this is an appropriately satisfying answer on this subject, and if it isn't, well, here's the thing; you can write a better one.

[thedistantstorm]

Phoenix Protocol 24

Zavala x Awoken Female Warlock | Mid/Post Forsaken | Slowburn | Gratuitous Descriptions of Light | Self-Confidence/Self-Worth Issues | Redemption

When the Traveler’s Light was returned to the Guardians after the defeat of the Cabal, it did not manifest itself the same in everyone. Miyu, an Awoken Warlock, finds herself struggling with her abilities, her Light feeling different and not her own. With her Vanguard preoccupied with grief and all eyes turned to the Reef, she finds herself turning to an unlikely source in an attempt to rediscover her connection to the Light and define what it means for her as a Dawnblade.

Previously

-/

Tess watches him carefully as he speaks, attempting to glean what his intentions are. “I'm…” She does her best to withhold her surprise at his rather detailed request. Clearly, it is not for Ikora as some sort of peace offering, as she'd originally thought. “Eververse does not quite have what you seek. And in that time frame, I'm not sure I could get it done, regardless. I am only a one woman operation, since Fenchurch is,” Her blue eyes meet his. He does not look terribly impressed. “Well,” She waves away the awkwardness she feels. “You know.”

He still lingers, even after being shut down. That's unusual, she thinks. “Have you been in contact with Eva recently?”

Tess narrows her eyes. “She still is not interested in returning, Commander, though she does appreciate it when you write.”

That isn't his question, however, Tess realizes, the longer he lingers. She is not stupid. She knows a thing or two about men and their feelings, and - make no mistake - he may be the Vanguard Commander, but beneath it all, he too is just a man.

And while Tess would love to know literally all of the details - it would certainly serve to prove her status over her competitors and friends alike - she knows this is not the time. She runs a hand through her short blonde hair, ensuring not a strand has strayed. Blows out a quiet huff of air.

“She is still not working like she used to,” Tess says it lightly, but she does not miss the shadow cast across the man's face. “Higher callings and all that. Though, I am sure she will give me pointers as far as the design. I'll try to talk to her this evening.”

“You have my thanks,” Zavala nods, his eyes flashing warm and grateful. Tess swallows hard. It's easy to forget how handsome he is, beneath all those stuffy layers of servitude. “Please, let me know if there is anything I can-”

“I will keep you apprised of any issues, but, I am sure I can find the time to get it to you by your deadline.”

“You just said-”

“I forgot I that the conflict I thought I had was... cancelled.” Zavala does not believe her, she can see it in his face. Tess thinks that's just as well. “Can't have you soliciting my competition,” She offers instead, like some great concession. It's a bluff. She's overly friendly with her clients, sure, but she does not do warm and fuzzy. They are the means, and Eververse is the end. She does what she must. Reputation requires it.

However, it seems her words relax him a touch. He leans forward, as if he's just remembered that business is not free. “The payment-”

Tess smiles then, a cheshire grin blooming wide as her eyebrows rise and fall. Now they're talking. “We can discuss that at a later time. Seeing your-”

“-for your discretion,” He interjects, eyes narrowing.

“I assure you I am nothing but discreet.” she seems almost offended he would think anything otherwise.

He hums. “Of course,” He says, steely in his delivery. “I look forward to seeing the fruits of your labor.”

“Of course,” She parrots. “Check back with me in a few days. I am certain I will not disappoint.”

Eager for a hint, Tess watches him from her post, out of the corner of her eye for the next three days. Whomever they are, his intended, she cannot tell. He does not treat anyone differently. It only makes her more important, she thinks, to be working on something so personal for someone of such high stature.

-/

She seeks Ikora, one final time. The Warlock Vanguard is busy, murmuring to herself about countless tasks requiring completion, sending missives and receiving them in return. Even so, Miyu stands in the Bazaar for a long while, waiting for the woman to spare her a moment.

“What is it,” Ikora finally asks, yellow gold eyes flashing in impatience. “I don't have time-”

“I'm going to the Dreaming City,” Miyu declares in her usual breezy tone.

“You are not,” Her Vanguard tsks. “You received permission to see Osiris. That took weeks to arrange. I will not revise-”

“I'm not asking.”

Ikora's brows furrow.

“I was never going to see Osiris,” She tells Ikora, bowing deeply as she speaks to express her remorse. “I apologize for lying to you. I will report in when I get back.”

Miyu takes a full step backwards before Ikora reaches out and wraps cold fingers around her wrist. “You are not,” She seethes in a quiet whisper. “Do you think you'll be allowed to go where you please? You were nearly lost after-”

Miyu's eyebrows rise. “After what?”

“You know,” Ikora says, reigning her irritation back in for a more pinched, less expressive visage. Miyu is not sure she's happy that Ikora feels some remorse for what happened between them, or upset that it take so much to drag such emotion out of her.

The pale-skinned Warlock looks Ikora up and down, before reaching nimble fingers down to the inside of her right wrist and prying her Vanguard's fingers away.

“After 'what happened,’” Miyu intones, not looking kind, but not quite teetering over the edge into anger, “I had thought you might be more receptive to listening to me. You did not allow me to become one of your Hidden because my face is too honest and betrays a lie,” She shifts her feet, standing as tall as her modest height will allow. “You were attempting to placate me because you wronged me, I think,” She hedges. “But-”

“Of course I was! I nearly killed you!” The second the words are past her lips, Ikora's fingers cover her mouth. Around them, the Bazaar carries on, the drone of activity all around buffering their conversation, keeping it private.

“I told you the truth. I'm not angry with you for that.” Miyu holds Ikora's gaze with intense, serious eyes. “I am angry because you still do not listen. You hear everything, or so you say, but you don't care about anything.”

“That isn't true.”

“Well you certainly don't care about me.”

The Warlock Vanguard rolls her eyes. She has more important things to deal with than this drama. “I knew you were lying, Miyu. You're right,” Ikora concedes. “You give it away easily.” She folds her hands behind her back and turns, looking out at the Traveler. “But once you're out of the Tower, I cannot prevent you from seeking your own path. Arguing would have been a waste of both our time.”

Miyu frowns, mulling over Ikora's words.

“But now, your guilt has driven you to tell me the truth. And as your Vanguard, I cannot allow you to go off on your own, knowing how fragile your Light is.”

Miyu shakes her head and clenches her fists, stands her ground. “You're misunderstanding. I'm not telling you because I feel guilty. I'm telling you because I've also told the Commander.” Ikora's lips purse. Miyu's eyes narrow, as if encouraging some kick-back. “And I thought you would rather hear it from me.”

The grudge is like a dark undercurrent to her tone. Ikora growls, “And Zavala has given you approval? I don't find that likely.”

“Begrudgingly,” Miyu tells her, “Yes.”

“Is that so,” Ikora frowns. “Well, who am I to deny you?”

“I would have gone if he told me no,” Miyu replies evenly. She turns on her heel, so they are back to back. “As I said. I’ll report in when I return. Light's blessings, Ikora.”

That makes her Vanguard turn. “Shouldn’t I be saying that to you?”

Miyu shrugs, tipping her head back to look over her shoulder with one snow-colored eye. Primly, she admits, “Honestly, I think you need it more than me.”

Ikora snorts, behind her hand, the barbed comment on her tongue. More than someone whose innate Light is their own personal curse?

Ophiuchus appears beside her in a flash. “I heard you think that,” He says, in a flat tone that does not betray his true concern. She is even less receptive to it than usual, lately. “Which is why I'm not so sure she's wrong.”

[officerhaughtstuff]

Why do you ship Wyndolliday? (I'm totally expecting the three page essay)

well first let me lead you to my previous post on the subject

and second, i will explain with pleasure. (under a read more cause WOW that got long)

so, ill start this with the honesty that im not a big fan of just wyndoc on its own. just in the name of transparency and to elucidate on authorial bias. also because it is relevant in how i see wyndolliday.

so anyway.

first off, just from a representation standpoint the universe could use a great and sweet poly ship on tv. and a bisexual black man. and just two bisexual men who arent just ‘in a phase’  or any other bullshit (also wynonna is alsways headcanoned by me as pan, but thats not super relevant to this. just putting it out into the universe)

secondly, i think that wyndolliday as a relationship balance each other out really well. in theory any two of them could make a decent relationship pair, though again i would have to keep an eye on wyndoc cause im not sure they bring out the best in each other, but again again thats besides the point and ill admit those two have potential. now, i will get into all the relationship dynamics as i see it, with a prelude about when i first started to see this as like a thing for me:

 so honestly it was the season finale where dolls and doc finally got over their dick measuring contest and got all bff bromance on screen. previously i kinda thought about doc and dolls both dating wynonna and not each other, all consensually and whatnot. though that would require the character development that made dolls and doc not wanna murder each other necessary much the same. but when i saw them on screen getting seriously bromantic i was like “....ah. i dig it.”. plus there was that prompt from the wynonna earp official twitter about the “ghost river triangle�� pairing. so that made me think it more too.

now for the dynamics (how they fit and why i think being in the ot3 would be good for them): first - wynonna and doc. like i said earlier, this makes me a little wary. the reasons being as follows: they can bring out the worst in each other and doc is shown to be very willing to manipulate wynonna. but they are also two people who i see as being very emotionally raw. theyre like exposed wires, dangerous and volatile and pouring all their feelings out in every action. they can find in each other another person who processes and expresses themselves in similar ways, who have both faced hardships and come out on the other side a little bitter and a little self-loathing. they see themselves as survivors first and foremost, but they both know what it means to love someone who tries to fight for /good/ and /morals/ (waverly for wynonna, wyatt for doc). and they would be able to find healing for themselves by helping and standing by and experiencing someone else healing from similar wounds in similar ways. sort of like a third-person perspective of themselves. combined with the ease with which people can sometimes face issues when they arent directly their own. they would be emotionally open and provide the same level of emotional openness and comfort they both require. they would probably be able to help each other through emotional times, but on the other hand they are both runners by nature (even if they try not to do that now. even now that theyre “heroes”) so would they turn to each other in hard times? or would they run? would they fear sharing themselves because they might make the other run? and their shared nature makes it easy for them to get caught up in things, get battered around and make things not feel very stable. doc would also be someone who would be willing to go all out and risk anything /do/ anything for his chosen few. wynonna would thrive with someone who would always put her first above everyone else, cause she doesnt even do that for herself. and wynonna represents hope and a future to doc, and at the same time a connection to his past. she’s bitter adn battered and she’s been through hell, but she hasnt given up all hope, and despite what she says she believes in good people. she represents what he could be, and what he strives to become (he protestes the entire way, but he still wants to achieve it. he’d rather not try at all than fail he thinks most days. its easier on his tired heart)

            i think dolls would help their relationship. hes a very steady person, and i think he would act as a sort of grounding to their passion and an anchor that they can come back to when they run. he is not someone who runs, and i think they both need that. so while doc and wynonna can connect as raw nerves, he can serve as a centerpoint for them. in this relationship i think he serves as a sort of a “calm in the storm” kind of man. and he’d be able to sit and listen and be able to think things through when doc and wynonna get carried away. plus he’d be able to mediate their arguments. he may be steady and calm, but that comes with a heavy amount of stubbornness and an unwillingness to back down.

wynonna and dolls - i think these two compliment each other. wynonna, as mentioned earlier, is like a raw nerve or an exposed wire, and dolls is very self-contained. the man is practically made of willpower from what ive seen. when wynonna feels something its all over her face and her actions. she feels everything deeply. i think dolls feels things jsut as deeply, but he keeps it all bottled up. they are both just as stubborn, and i think they provide a challenge for each other. wynonna would help dolls express himself, and dolls would help wynonna learn when to stop and take a breath before things run away on her. on the other hand, would wynonna get the kind of emotional comfort she clearly craves from dolls, who is not expressive by nature? would dolls be able to keep up emotionally with someone who is so /on/ all the time, who needs so much and asks so much? they also carry the same kinds of guilt, i think. they both have things they feel guilty about, things that have changed the course of their life and in both cases (in my uneducated opinion) i think these things that cause guilt are in some way a part of who they are. they have to look in the mirror and face themselves when they believe that their very nature and legacy is tied to this terrible guilt. and the entire reason people need them and that they can now do /good/ is because of this guilty thing. i think they both need someone who can relate to that feeling. but at the same time, maybe they need someone who can approach it without those kinds of conflicting feelings. i also think that wynonna is (once again) more hopeful and optimistic than dolls. she sees in him someone better than he thinks he is, and he sees the same in her. she gives him a reason to maybe hope that he can be better, and that they can make the world better. he gives her a way to make the world what she’s always known was in it. he gives her a chance to prove to herself that she is good and she is worth it and he believes in her every step of the way.

              doc adds something to this dynamic as well. he provides the midpoint between dolls and wynonna. in some of the ways that they are opposites he can provide a middle ground between the pair. he can do quiet and controlled (sorta) and he can do wildly emotional. hes always been adaptable. while he is naturally an emotional person, he has far longer been a person who is good with people and that requires give and take. hes a con man. he can play the waiting game. and he may not like it much, but he can wait with the best of them. and when wynonna needs emotions freely given (not dragged out like pulling teeth) he can do that as well. and when dolls needs /time/ and a moment to pull himself together and a break, doc knows when to back off and let things sit for a bit (wynonna’s not so good at that, so sometimes he disappears and takes wynonna with him and dolls is so grateful, but he’ll never say)

doc and dolls. these two have less time together in canon where they arent fighting so its a bit harder to predict their relationship, but i think they fit. they would be the kind of couple that constantly fights and bickers, but theyre there for each other in quiet ways. theyre not as vocal about their feelings as wynonna is, they show their feelings in actions instead of words (wynonna just needs to be /heard/ and acknowledged and listened to. she spent so many years of not that, she cant go back). they can bond over sometimes just needing to make a fuss, over both of them being the type to get things done, over “the ends justify the means” (wynonna is a survivor, but her continual hope and belief in /goodness/ means that sometimes she will sacrifice the most practical option for the right option). they also get along in some of the ways that dolls and wynonna get along. dolls is still a steady presence for doc and doc is still a motivator for dolls to share. they both have high respect for each other and they both are unstoppable when they get a goal in mind

                where wynonna comes in here is more integral than the other dynamics. for all that doc and dolls are in many ways good for each other, they are not the kind of people that each one would normally go for. shes really what brought them into each other’s orbit. and with her they are able to avoid the kind of pessimism and bitterness that they may otherwise fall into. wynonna may not know it, but she has the kind of personality that can inspire people. in another life she is a natural leader. people follow her without questioning, she’s charismatic and she’s the head of some sort of movement. in this life, she draws people in and keeps a few very close and very loyal.  doc and dolls have such opposing ideologies that their similarities and differences that make them good for each other may not have even gotten the chance. but with wynonna’s tendency to draw people in and keep them close, and her ability to love so fiercely, and her unique combination of experience and beliefs that put her in line with both ideologies bring them together and allow them to grow together.

so as a group i just like the idea that these three have a constant push and pull between them, where they can see each other in ways that not everyone can, and they have such unique experiences that only they can relate to. they all believe in the best of each other even when they dont see it in themselves, and through this they all help each other to be better and inspire themselves to try to be their best. besically these three beautiful, badass, stubborn assholes have my heart and i think they all shoul dhave each other’s.