#any meds: some works some doesnt do anything and some makes it worse

[amerasdreams]

it is so so nice to be able to do some things, rather than, when I'm not driving or with pets, just watch tv or lie down and perhaps sleep

[the-s1lly-corner]

Caine and kinger x reader with ADHD

Caine and Kinger x reader w/ ADHD

yahoo!! gonna knock out some requests today !! this is gonna be based off of my own experiences btw !! not much else i can think to put in this authors note so! ill just get on with it note from the future, little longer than i intended but thats mostly because admin started relating TOO much wuh-oh

CAINE:

caine is honestly really good about keeping you on track when theres a task at hand. i dont know about you, but i tend to wander about when im working on something; to check on something else repeatedly then coming back to what needs to be done and just go back and forth.(shit im even doing it now, the getting up and checking on things thing even though i know the thing is fine/complete) i like to think that caine would be pretty okay at making sure you get the thing you need/want to do done! i dont think theres meds in the digital world, i mean yeah sure you can ask for them but since theyre digital theyre not going to actually. do anything. but lets say in a hypothetical au where this all takes place in the real world and caine is a real person, he would make sure you take them consistently and on time. honestly this hc isnt really part of the ask but; i generally like to think that caine likes to follow routines and schedules as closely as he can... maybe its the ringmaster thing since hes tasked with keeping everything running but... shrugs

very supportive when you make a small mistake in something (like this is just a general thing, though) and isnt too obnoxious with trying to hold or regain your attention is something happens to the side and steals it away. very patient and polite with it, i think

last minute addition because it hit me like a sack of bricks. time blindness. fucking time blindness. you know how i mentioned that caine is good at keeping you on track? i think he would be good with helping you out with that, at least some of it. mostly logging your activities and him keeping an eye on the time (which he already does so its not like an extra habit he needs to pick up.. though if it werent he would pick it up in a heartbeat. literally anything for you, he loves you a lot)

KINGER:

honestly he might start to mimic your stims and fidgets! he doesnt mean to mock you, no i just think he would start to reflect your actions after spending most of his time around you to make sure you're okay! while caine keeps you on track, kinger is likely to go with you when you wander off to check/do something else. really unless its something time sensitive or really important is when hes going to start outwardly reassuring you that the other thing is fine. honestly, in an au with the real world i was originally going to say he would have a chance of forgetting to help remind you/ask if you took your meds (if you take them) but i think he would take stuff like that way too seriously to even DARE forget. like yeah sure you're not going to d1e if you forget to take them for a single day but still. he'd probably be like this with any meds tbh, so if you're prone to forgetting youll be fine as long as you have kinger around! gibes you pillows for fidget stuff, if you are feeling restless. or perhaps even goes on a walk with you around the circus grounds. like idk about yall, or if this is something completely unrelated, but my legs HURT when i sit too still. like down to the bone, if i dont get up every now and then its agony; sleeping is hell and on days its worse than others (like im talking sometimes i need to be in near constant movement) (also jerky arms and legs) (anyways)

also very polite with returning your attention to where it needs to be but honestly given that kinger himself is shown to space out at least twice in the pilot i think sometimes you guys both get side tracked and struggle to remember and/or get back into the flow of what you were originally doing

ponders

tldr; caine keeps you more on track with schedules whereas kinger embraces your flow a little more but both are respectful of things and dont really make you feel less than + remind you to take care of yourself

[kindlyfunkn]

in other news though this past month or so has been maybe the worst of my life, was already feeling down about everything but now my cars fucked up again. power steering pump is shot, terrified me driving to the garage the other day (for just an inspection, an inspection no repairs, so i can get my car re-registered. ffs.) bc it started blowing smoke out of the hood and the wheel suddenly locked up.

couldnt get a hold of anyone but idk none of my friends either have cars or are free during school/work hours this was maybe around 11. my first instinct was to call my mom but she was unavailable, shes been travelling bc of my cousins wedding in alberta and mightve still been on a plane maybe idk. but she would've probably called my dad anyway bc hes the one who could actually help me, i called him right after my mom didnt pick up.

he lives 2 hours away though, i was within walking distance to my house so i just called to ask what i should do. the switch in his voice from neutral to worried was funny, especially bc ive been giving him sort of the silent treatment since we got in a petty fight. he contemplated if he could come out to town to have a look but remembered his friend craig and told me to stay where i was to. his friend is someone ive met before and had look at my car before too, and he lives out in town.

so craig was really nice, got some power steering fluid for me, drove my car for me (bc he's used to driving junk) to the garage and spoke to the mechanic for me, vehemently denied my attempts to pay for the fluid and cab fees. he told me its really funny how similar i am to my dad when we need help. he said that he told me: "you're shy like him, you stutter like him, you're nervous like him... uh no offense."

anyway so the garage wasnt able to do anything for my car bc if they didnt have the parts to fix my steering then they couldnt complete the inspection, but he didnt charge me anything so that was cool.

gotta make another appointment at a different garage.

also, speaking to my mom last night i told her how awful thingsve been. headache almost every day, i cant sleep (other night only got to sleep after 7 am, then the next night only got 3 hours, as example), how when i got up i just started crying full waterworks and i wasnt even thinking about anything. didnt tell her how i keep wanting to get drunk at night bc my thoughts just run rampant, done it a few times now. the headaches come with or without a hangover though, i grind my teeth at night. my guard was missing for a while but recently ive found it i just havent been wearing it though i should.

i didnt mean to unload anything on her just give her an update how ive been feeling bc i havent had anyone to talk to really. dont really like to vent really seriously to my (twin) sister, and my older sister (whom i live with) doesnt ever really seem to care—i feel like i cant really be upset when im around her bc she always has something happening at work or whatever. plus she keeps saying things that make me feel worse or more worried and she doesnt realize how awful ive been feeling, a few times when expressing that my head or back hurts she offers nothing except "do you want to try my meds?" NO i dont want your prescription meds!! i did take one of her migraine meds once bc they wouldnt work for her so the last pill in the bottle she offered to me and i remarked that it worked a charm, but the new meds she has now are different and strong enough that apparently they are sometimes given post surgery. sure ibuprofen/naproxen and tylenol dont work more than half the time for me but im not going right into strong meds when im taking other things. my sister doesnt take any meds other than the migraine stuff, i do take meds, i dont want any interactions.

but anyway i got sidetracked, i'll tag with the sister vent tag too. anyway i kept what i said to my mom short and simple, didnt think much of it bc sure ive been stressed out and demotivated (what else is new) and just needed to get off my chest. hate complaining to my friends i feel i do it too much. mom gave me support words of encouragement stuff like that, but told me she'll look into therapy options for me if i want since im still under her and my step moms insurance while im a student (which i technically am, exams and classes are done but still need a workterm and we're only considered fully graduates until we complete a workterm). baffled me. i used to see a counsellor (not by choice to start and i got put in dbt which sucked but i could cancel so i did bc it wasnt going anywhere. dbt mightve helped but it was on a webcam and i leaned out of frame to grab my pencil once which dropped to the floor and i was scolded so i thought this sucks im dropping this lol) but it never did much for me, but i didnt expect my mom to bring up therapy outright. we dont really do/see stuff like that in our family.

but yknow a therapist may help me right now bc everythings going south and im not that smart with adult things yet so much that i think its detrimental, so i think i said yes. if it turns out i dont need it then i can just drop it, but i think somebody unbiased who knows how things work would be able to help me a lot. its just for figuring my life out.

woof this js a huge post. did not mean to write so much and meant to keep this simple and to the point, but yknow im incapable of being concise its a curse. wasnt even gonna talk about my car initially but just started rambling. anyway thats my shitty life update

[selamat-linting]

i will be forever pissed that my shrink's reaction after i told her my problem is to give me ssri, lorazepam, and tell me to just improve on my own. she doesnt teach me coping methods or anything, just meds. i appreciate the ssri, they actually made me calmer and happier overall, but the other medication...

i already told her. my dad was a meth addict and a drunk. many of my family are addicted to something. my trauma is mostly from seeing domestic violence and the shit my dad does while he's having meth psychosis. i didnt just fear the man or fear dealing with him, i fear of becoming like my dad. but she gave me meds that could be addictive and didnt tell me about the side-effects.

at first i trusted her ofc, because if the one med eventually worked for me, then this one could be great. besides, it worked faster than my ssri, it feels nice to be able to sleep fast, i want to take more. so i made my own research, and i thought she's going to help me taper off lorazepam after the ssri started working. but she doesnt. after a month of taking this med, i met her again and i was told to take the same dose and she told me i'll see her in another appoinment next month. i dont get it, youre not supposed to take this for over four weeks. so after a week of deliberation i decided to quit on my own. especially now that i feel i've been getting by just fine. the meds i took for sleep barely makes any difference now. and holy shit. my anxiety came back at night and it was worse. my hands were shaking and my heart felt like it was running a marathon. i got very angry and did things im embarrassed off later on. i literally had withdrawal symptoms from my own meds. eventually i give up and took it again even if the current dose doesnt do shit.

so, its ironic. my coworkers and some of my comrades took me out drinking, offered me to smoke. but i never get out of hand. i never had a physical dependence or a hangover. i took whatever they offered and get by just fine. i manage to do the "cool things" in moderation. sure, i have my issues, but substance abuse isnt one of them. but when i finally give in and get mental health help for my anxiety, depression, and aggression issues, i end up with this! i have to take a medication that doesnt work on me anymore just so i dont freak out again. i hate it. i feel disgusted that i have to be this way. so yeah, im going to see her again in a couple of weeks with some choice words.

[mintyvoid]

so i bought and have now recived my anti planner, and while i imagine a bunch of the tools wont do anything- im hoping something helps. And ill try to speak up if anything does.

For some context i suppose if you dont regularly read my depressed rants, i was diagnosised autistic in 2020 but had been in therapy on and off since 2010 for anxiety and depression. I found a majority of resources not helpful or treading over ground ive already done years into- when I started researching 'okay so im autistic what the fuck do i do now, how do i get better'.

(I just keep ranting how shit doesnt seem to want to work for me below)

Most likely cause of all the years ive done work on myself, i am very self aware and quite good at communicating how im feeling. But found that none of the tools I learned helped long term or even enough to better my quality of life(now knowing this was because all those tools help people without a neuro disability, they simply were never going to work).

I've also found that a lot of the resources out there, include this book, are catered towards those with adhd, which while having a lot of simularities to autism- they are not the same. And though I had previously thought i was adhd, im like pretty sure this isnt the case(like in terms of a duo adhd n autism diag). So a lot of the stuff i end up finding /also/ doesn't work.

Though i cant reaally tell if its due to the autism or depression. A good example is the 'trick your brain' angle i see abundantly. To do things like 'set a timer to create a deadline or force panic' or similar time constrainted things simply dont work. I can feel incredible stress to complete something from a deadline or disappointed friend or angry manager and it do little to nothing to motivate me to do the actual thing. If i dont want to do something(or even if i want to do something but my brain for whatever reason doesnt let me), it doesnt happen- concequnce be damned.

I can break tasks into smaller chunks for days, but if i cant get up or move my arm to start said small task then it doesnt really matter does it? The one thing i can do is organize lol, but its the one thing that i see the most as advice- which is totally understandable as its not something taught so a majority would lack the skill. I was really lucky to seek help when i did and to then get actually good advice. It's probs been the only moment where help and support did actually help my quality of life.

Most likely I wont see any improvement in my life till I either go back therapy(actually find someone who can help someone like me, probs needs to be on meds again too) or can afford to create an environment thats supportive of my needs...or more than likely a combo of the two lol. Neither of which i see happening as both need money and i cant work nor get much from my disability program and cant work enough on online stuff to make that my income.

As an aside, i do know that many if not most, have it worse than i do. And i often feel that i simply cant complain about my own situation because im have a loving family that supports me as much as they can, im no where near homelessness, im not bipoc or a trans person, i could technically work but i would only be able to just work(aka id have to give up doing what i ant for a living and went to school for and actually am passionate about, and honestly typical work stresses and sucks so much energy out of me ugh id probs just burn out again n quit). I dont feel i can ask for money or support when there are others i feel need it way more than i do.

And i absolutely hate that what i have isnt enough, and that fact is also why i feel i cant vent. Srry this kinda went off the deep end.

[xnchxntmxnt]

Hello, my name is Ghost and I'd like to put in for an Ouran matchup please (if you have any slots left). I'm genderfluid, use any pronouns, and I'll date anyone regardless of gender. I'm on the shy side when I first meet someone and don't talk very much to anyone I don't know, but once I'm comfortable I open up and share my interests and other things about myself. Although, even if I don't know someone well I always make a considerable effort to be incredibly polite and kind to them because I don't know if someone is already having a bad day and I don't want to make it any worse. I'm definitely the mom friend of my group and always carry first aid supplies, snacks, water, a blanket, and fidget toys. I love music and can't go a day without using my headphones. I can play the drums but I'm a bit rusty since I haven't played in a year or two and I also play some piano and am working to learn more. I've been in choir since I was a little kid and love to sing but I have too much stage fright to perform alone. I have a naturally deeper singing voice despite being AFAB. I'm also very into cooking, baking, mythology, reading and writing. I'm starting college a semester late as biology major with emphasis on zoology as I love animals and would want to be a veterinarian at zoo that's involved in conservation efforts. I hope you have a lovely rest of your day and remember to eat, drink some water, and take any meds if you need to. ❤

aaa this took forever im sorry i got super busy after i put out the thing for these but ANYWAY its done now

also the name ghost is so cute what <3 idk why i love it though

kaoru hitachiin!

do u know how long it took me to find a picture without his brother and im still not 100% sure i have the right one— anyway

mom friend. perfect. he needs one.

mans a royal mess

we know this

honestly i think his first impression of you was. he was probably excited to see someone who wasn't so into the whole act he and hikaru do and just liked talking to him

he also saw the shyness and (whenever hikaru wasnt around) let himself be a little more genuine, which meant he was less flirty and more soft with you

im getting lots of accidentally bushing hands and gentle conversations over tea at the beginning vibes

once you're comfortable around each other though?? that changes a little

yell at him to eat breakfast bc he'll get busy and wont (or jsut doesnt feel like getting up some days)

he'll do the same to you of course

mutually taking care of each other <3

you might always have stuff, but anything you forget, he seems to have

need a hair tie? he's got it. Forgot an extra bottle of water for yourself? he's got one (or knows where to get one)

he loves to buy things for you but not like. super fancy extravagant gifts. he likes doing chill and not necessarily inexpensive things, but he likes showing up with your favorite snack or "i saw this stuffed animal and thought you'd like it so here" kinda vibes

if that makes sense at all

he LOVES sharing music with you

please give him your other earbud and lean your head on his shoulder on long car rides

he loves it so much

he loves getting to know you through music because music can honestly be so intimate

make him a playlist. its the best gift you can give him

make him several playlists

he loves when you do that and listens to them all

on loop

he'll make you playlists too you guys are just exchanging them all the time

he likes listening to you play too whether its drums or piano or anything else you pick up

he just enjoys seeing you have fun w it

dont get me started on how much he likes listening to you sing

swoons

every time

he's so in love

anything youre into he immediately just. finds as much information as he can about it

he loves listening to you rant about mythology and stuff like that

maybe you're reading a new book

the moment he gets you to spit out the title and author he's scrolling through google trying to find little trivia about it

this is of course so when you talk about it he can be excited about it with you

this happens a lot

half the time he'll end up just reading the book

and if its a series? good luck.

you two WILL be up until 2am or later finishing the last book because you have to see how it ends

overall wholesome. 10/10 would reccomend

[cvastals]

look i kno i said i wasnt gna bring a 6th until i was caught up w replies bt i kno gunner well n therefore felt like he deserved his time to shine in the rp so i beg of u pls plot w him looks at u all like :B

* axel auriant, cis man + he/him | you know gunner paxton, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, four years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to bizarre love triangle by new order like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole curling up for days in bed wearing a hello kitty comfort shirt, stuttering in the face of affection, and hand me downs two sizes too big thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is july 31st, so they’re a leo, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( bri, 23, est, they/them )

background.

middle child of the paxton family, cliff being the eldest and wyatt being the youngest :D

they lived at the top of a hill in a trailer in a trailer park neighbourhood in laramie, wyoming so to say the least that fucking sucked for everyone involved

the trailer was so small that all 3 boys ended up sharing a room, gunner and wyatt sharing a bunk bed bc they cldnt fit 3 beds into one room it really was every childs nightmare bt they quickly grew used to it tbh

gunner was always more of an artsy child than invested in sports - though he does enjoy baseball and continued even to this day after their dad made him join SOMETHING in middle school - so he never rly earned their father’s respect, but he was always close with his mom since they had the same calm temperament

(depression/anxiety tw) he also gained a list of mental health issues that their mom had as well, including social anxiety and major depressive disorder

(violence/abuse tw) their father always encouraged pretty volatile behaviour and it caused a lot of physical fights and arguments between the brothers when their dad told them the best way to get over it was to start hurting until someone tapped out, it was just a chaotic and pretty abusive household but no one knew and their mom definitely wasn’t going to say anything about it to their dad

(missing child/kidnapping/anxiety/depression tw)  wyatt went missing on a weekend that their parents were gone because of a trip they won, and things just got worse from there, high school was really rough for gunner, his anxiety grew worse as time went on that no one found wyatt, their dad grew more hostile towards them, cliff left home in the middle of the night never to be seen again (merely leaving a note so that the family didn’t think they had a case of two kidnapped children), and their mom just grew sicker, it was rare that she would ever leave her room and if she did it was in fits of random energy where she would do something spontaneous and completely unnecessary to their house as a way of coping

the two years that gunner was at home after cliff left were pretty brutal and as soon as he could, he was fleeing wyoming and going to school in irving

(internalized homophobia tw)  things are far better now that he’s out of his home situation, but ofc he still has a few personal things he’s working thru; the paxton’s were raised in an incredibly religious household, and he’s got some classic Catholic Guilt going on upon realizing that he’s not jst attracted to women n he avoided talking abt it forever/stayed in the closet fr far too long bt he’s sort of come out now in his own way even tho he does still get a bit nervous talking abt it rly

he’s also ‘dealing’ rn (just pharmaceuticals) which is frankly funny to think abt bc this man is abt as threatening as a care bear bt money is tight all things considering and a librarian job doesn’t rly cover it, and with the amount of meds he’s on, plus incredibly frequent doctor’s visits, needing to pay for extra epi-pens, inhalers, etcs. bills add up so he’s cutting back his meds n selling wht he can spare which is . so unhealthy bt thts life in corporate america baybee!

details.

is literally allergic to everything. grass, cats, most fruits, milk, most nuts, bees, latex, probably more i cnt even keep up w them its pathetic

u can catch him strutting around town w his blinged out epipen holder (aka blinged out w pins of his fav horrors movies) LKSHDGKLHSKLDG

if things cldnt get worse he also has quite intense asthma so he carries an inhaler with him at all times

n to make matters even WORSE he frequently has dizzy spells n bad memory problems bc of all the concussions he’s suffered from (about 8-9 at this point) as well as consistent migraines that can b literally debilitating sometimes

awkward n jst a bit of a Weirdo to b frank like he barely knows how to converse with ppl

didnt have any friends in high school so took the time to teach himself rly weird things, knows a fuck ton of magic tricks, can yodel, juggle, solve a rubix cube with his eyes closed in under 30 seconds, just extremely weird and specific things

can honestly b a bit mean/barbaric to ppl he’s not close w/doesn’t kno - has told ppl to their face before he doesn’t enjoy talking to them bc he has no concept of social constructs/norms

loves 2 film random things at parties, makes him feel more comfortable at them n he makes short films of them all after

going off that fact he did a film internship in nyc during the summer and is trying to find a job in that field

doesn’t realize demisexuality is a thing so he’s never been that fond of sex but has this stigma in his mind that that makes him Broken so he still Tries n it jst doesnt go well tugs my shirt collar

connections.

ppl who r more into under the counter meds than Hard Drugs n buy off him?? probs wld have to kno him some way hes too scared to sell to Random randoms

ppl he went to school w? :D

some friends………. hes awkward bt he means well…………

ppl he has a crush on/unrequited crushes either way wtvr floats ur boat he crushes quite easily but never does anything abt it fr the most part

a mans he wld Risk It All fr (aka a guy tht he actually has a crush on n is Extra Awkward probs a lil mean to bc hes still New to That)

some enemies tbh, he has a temper n he tends to blow up rarely bt it happens n when it does it actually can b quite scary JKSHDGLHSDG

a muse….. mayhaps?? someone he always wants in his film projects

awkward past hook ups/one night stands where one of them cut ties off cuz every time they got together gunner acted like he was embalming a body for a funeral

current hook ups/fwb’s w ppl he’s actually close w/is comfortable w so its nowhere near as bad SDKHSLDGHKLSDGH

Anything u Desire

[happys-crazy-queen22]

Title: Final Beat Down

Gif credit @jayhasltud

Requested on wattpad

Hope you all enjoy it

WARNING: ABUSE, ASSAULT, ATTEMPTED RAPE. THREATENING WITH A GUN. TRIGGER WARNING. CAUTION WHEN READING.

He did it again. This time it was one of the worst. Your eye was swollen shut, your ribs were broken. The wheezing told you that. A lung was punctured, probably. He couldn't control himself. You had to get out, just had too. So you went to the only place that you felt safe.

"Y/N, come in". Hank didnt even have to ask why you were there, he just let you in.

"Take off those wet clothes, I'll get you some dry ones". Hank hurried along to his room. You stood in the hall, shivering as you took the wet clothes off. Your body ached with every movement that you made. Biting your lip to stop you from sobbing.

Hank returned with a towel and some clothes. He held up the towel as you got dressed.

"I'll put on some coffee". He sighed as he saw the bruises on your arms and legs. You followed him to the kitchen.

"What was it this time"?

"The same". You whispered as you sat down at the table.

"You need to leave him. You dont deserve what this son of a bitch is doing to you". Hank slammed the kettle down on the stove. He heard you whimper. "Sorry".

"I know. I just can't. I dont know how".

"I'll talk with some people and get you into a womans shelter".

"He'll find me. Then he'll  do worse. I may not survive it then".

Hank shook his head as he grabbed two coffee cups and sat them on the table, he pour the coffee into cup. You wrapped your hands around the mug and took in the heat.

"You need to see a doctor".

"No I'm good".

"It wasn't a question. You need to get checked out. I'll call Will". Hank went to the house phone and got on it. You didnt want to drag anyone else into the mix but you were in serious pain. So much pain that you were struggling not to pass out.

Will arrived in a matter of minutes along with Jay. Hank let Will use his bedroom to check you over. It was a painful process. Every touch sent shock waves of pain through your body. Will bandaged you up and gave you some pain meds to help you sleep. Before he even left you were out.

"How is she"? Hank met Will at the bottom of the stairs.

"Well. A few broken ribs, a punctured lung. Busted lip, a fractured eye socket, luckily he didnt damage her eye. She has bruises up and down her legs and arms. Hand prints around her wrist and throat. Mark's on her back that look like it came from a belt. Right now she's lucky it wasn't worse than this. She needs to get out".

"I've told her that many of times".

"This happened more than once"? Will asked shocked.

"Third time this week".

"Hank, get her out or you'll be trying to solve her murder".

"I know who did it but she wouldn't press charges on him. I've tried to get her to".

"Then you have a girl that doesnt want help". Will frowned as he walked past Hank and out the door.

"If you need anything just call". Jay told Hank.

"Yeah. Thanks". Hank shut the door and blew out a breath he was holding. He went to the couch and sat there thinking.. Soon he drifted off to sleep.

The morning came, Hank was up and ready for work. He didnt want to disturb you so he let you sleep in but when he went up to check on you before he went off to work you weren't there. You hand went out the window, he didnt know why. Figure you were scared to face him or to ashamed but he knew where you were and that you'd be seeing him again.

During Hanks shift he tried not to think about you or your situation but you were on his mind. He called you three, four times. You never answered so after work he was going to stop by your place unannounced. Maybe that boyfriend of yours would be there, but he wouldn't do anything in front of Hank. He was to big of a coward to hurt you with Hank around.

"Hey Jay, I'm going to head out early. I have to stop somewhere". Hank told Jay while he put on his jacket. It was still raining out.

"Okay. You need back-up"? Jay already knew where he was headed. Hank might be a mystery to all but when he really cares about someone his guard is down.

"Nah, I think I'll be fine. Just stay by a phone just in case". Hank chuckled as he walked out the back, heading to his car. He left at the right moment.

"You stupid fucking bitch". Your boyfriend threw you into the wall with such force your shoulder dislocated.

"I'm sorry". You whimpered as you moved your arm, cowering in the corner of the kitchen.

"Then you shouldn't make me mad. I do so much for you and you give no thanks. That's what makes me mad". He jerked you up by your shoulders which hurt like a bitch.

"You're going to give me what I want or else". He threatened with a growl.

"You lay another damn finger on her, your brains will splatter this kitchen. Now put her down easy and step away". Hank had his gun pointed at the back of your abusive boyfriends head. Your boyfriend was nervous, the sweat beads rolling down his forehead. He let you down easy and stepped away from you.

Hank bent down to help you up, you hissed as your arm moved. "You okay"?

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just go".

"You're coming with me. Even if you dont press charges. You're leaving".

"She isnt going anywhere. That bitch owes me".

"You open you fucking mouth one more time, I'll put a bullet in it". Hank gripped the trigger on his gun. Just waiting for him to be stupid.

"I'll go with you Hank".

Hank smiled and wrapped his arm around you, leading you out. Then something stupid happened.

"She ain't going to open her legs for you either old man. You can save her all you want". Your ex boyfriend laughed, sticking up his middle finger.

Hank didnt think he quickly turned around and broke his middle finger. Of course he screamed out like a drama queen.

"I told you what would happen if you opened your mouth again, now didnt I"? Hank took the butt of the gun and smashed into your ex's mouth. He screamed in agony. Spitting out a few teeth.

"Thats for opening your mouth". Hank put his gun in his holster. Balled up his fist and punched him square in the nose. Then just released hell on him. Kicking and punching.  Stomping on his ribs and his broken finger. You were actually enjoying the sight. You didn't know it would have been this great of a feeling to see someone else have complete control over him, like he did once on you.

"Hank". You quietly spoke getting his attention also you didnt want him to kill him.

"One second". Hank told you. He reached behind him getting his cuffs. "Your under arrest for assault on a police officer". Hank jerk him over to his stomach and put the handcuffs on tightly.

"I didn't do shit". Your ex cried out.

Hank pulled him up by his ear, your ex was covered in blood. Hanks hands were covered.

"Call the station and ask for Jay". Hank asked of you. You nodded and went to your phone. Seeing that Hank called and texted you moments before he arrived. You called the station and Jay didn't ask any questions. He was on his way.

"You okay"? You came over to Hank as Jay loaded up your ex, hitting his head on the door as he was thrown in the back seat.

"Yeah. Let's got to my place and get cleaned up. Your house is a crime scene right now". Hank chuckled as he laid his on your back.

"Thank you for saving me, Hank. I know now I should have left long ago. I was just scared". You tell him as he cleaned your wounds with peroxide.

"Y/N, I know you were scared but you have me. I wouldn't hurt you.  I would have done my best to protect you. You deserve much better than him".

"Someone like you".

"Yeah, someone like me".

"It wasnt a question, Hank. You. You have been there for me when I needed help and when I couldn't think straight. I trust you more than anyone. You take better care of me than I do".

"You deserve to be cared for. Y/N, you're an amazing woman and you dont give yourself credit for that".

You smiled wide as you leaned into Hank. The smell of him made you go mad. "I like you Mr. Voight". You licked your lips as you looked down at his.

"I like you too". Hank let out a slow breath and then attached his lips to yours. Tge kiss was deep and soft. From the looks and personality of Hank you thought he'd be rough but no. He was so gently. Looks can be deceiving.

"Will you, you know"? You blushed as he looked into your eyes, waiting for you to say the words.

"Will I"?

"Will you be my first and show me what love really is"? You whispered softly.

"I will never hurt you". Hank picked you up carefully, you wrapped your arms around his waist as he carried you to his room.

Hank laid you gently on the bed, laying beside you, kissing your lips. He wanted to make sure you were comfortable and sure that this is what you wanted. He never wanted to make you feel unsafe with him.

As the night progressed, Hank showed you what it was like to be loved by someone that actually cared about you. Not just using you.  To love and cherish you. To make you feel wanted and the desire that Hank has for you. Something that you've never felt until you are with Hank.

[feeling-uncomfy]

This is for u @trademarked-but-not-really do with it what you will :D

There is a blood warning, just a heads up!

Also, Hawks platonically calling Tokoyami baby bird gives me serotonin —

"Goodbye, sir." Tokoyami waved from the front door of Hawks's agency. The sun was setting slowly, the sky was a warm orange colour. Hawks grinned and shot a feather to bump his interns shoulder, hands occupied. "Dont forget to text when you get back to the dorms, okay?" Tokoyami let's out a huff but nods and walks out of the building. Hawks sighs, another day done.

The other sidekicks left in an orderly fashion, each getting the paperwork finished relatively easily, so Hawks was left alone after a half hour. He sighed and looked down at the paperwork left unfinished.

It was his, so Hawks had no excuse to not have it done. Plus, the commission had been on his ass recently regarding his lack of monthly check-ins, which annoyed the winged hero. Why should he still have to answer to them? Hawks huffed and sat down, prepared to sit there and get it done.

Until there was a loud bang at the door.

Hawks sprang up. He had just closed up, why was someone there? He left his office and walked down the hall. He was about to tell whoever was there to piss off, but what he was met with made him freeze.

"Tokoyami?! What—?" Hawks walked up to the door, where Tokoyami was hunched heavily over it, clearly trembling. He didnt look up when Hawks approached, which worried him. "Kid? What's going on?"

Hawks opened the glass door, and Tokoyami fell through. Hawks let out a shout of alarm and picked his intern up, and set him on his feet. "Kid...?" Tokoyami still hadn't responded, his hands were clamped down on his beak, shielding it. Hawks couldn't help the confused expression rise on his face.

"What happened? Answer me, kiddo." He went to touch Tokoyami's beak, but the teen jerked out of his grip, and swayed dangerously on his feet. Hawks stared. It was like he couldn't stand straight.

"What happened? Answer me, kiddo." He went to touch Tokoyami's beak, but the teen jerked out of his grip, and swayed dangerously on his feet. Hawks stared. It was like he couldn't stand straight.

"Kid, I need to see your face, can you do that?" Hawks asked softly, moving closer. Tokoyami let out a pained noise in the back of his throat, but moved one hand. Hawks inhaled sharply. There was blood coating his hand, and it looked like the flow hadn't stopped.

Hawks was immediately put on edge. "Tokoyami, who did this." His voice had lost all hospitality, and Tokoyami scrunched up, clearly taken aback by the dramatic change. Hawks asked again, more urgently this time. Tokoyami couldn't get the words out.

"Did— didnt know what to—" Tokoyami shut his eyes tight again, his whole body tensed as another load of pain shot through his head. It was enough to make him stumble again. Hawks caught him easily, and moved him to the couch. Hawks didnt like how slurred and messed up his interns speech had become.

"Right, stay here, I'll go get you a first aid kit, okay? We'll fix this." Tokoyami didnt react. Hawks got worried. "Kid? Open your eyes, kid" Tokoyami's eyes opened slowly. They were glazed over and lidded. Hawks cussed. "Okay, okay. I'll be right back. Try stay awake for me." Tokoyami's eyes shut.

Shit. Did Hawks need to go to the hospital? Maybe? He should ask Eraserhead? No, the last time he asked about bird related things, Eraser said 'Hawks you're supposed to be the bird expert here.' and hung up on him. So no homeroom teacher. Maybe Dark Shadow would come out and give him answers.

Speak of the devil, Dark Shadow came round the corner. He didnt say anything, but turned and went back the way he came. Confused, Hawks followed. Tokoyami had moved from the couch to the ground. Hard, judging by the fact that the tremors had gotten worse.

"Fuck! Okay, I'm back, come on, up you come." Hakws gently moved Tokoyami to the couch again and opened the first aid kit. Tokoyami sank boneless into the plush couch, and his eyes shut again. Hawks slowly moved to peel his interns hands away from his face.

They didnt budge at first. "Come on kiddo, this'll make it hurt less, promise." Hawks coaxed gently. Tokoyami shuddered as both hands were placed on his lap. Hawks stared at the mess. It was hard to see where the blood was coming from, but there seemed to be a nasty gash across somewhere.

Hawks decided to ease his kid into it by starting at his hands. "Do you know what happened?" Hawks asked gently, pulling out a cleaning kit and wiping the red off Tokoyami's hands. His intern tried once again to get the words out, but it came out garbled and wrong. Dark Shadow came out, resting on Tokoyami's shoulder. "He cant talk properly." The shadow explained quietly, and Hawks nodded, shoving his anger down.

"Can you tell me what happened then? I really need answers here." Hawks was only partially frustrated at the lack of answers he was getting. Dark Shadow grew considerably in size. "Some asshole who doesn't like people with animal type quirks jumped us." Tokoyami's hands started shaking violently as Hawks shot up, wings flaring out.

"Are you fucking kidding me—?!" Hawks yelled. The first aid fell to the ground with a clang, and Dark Shadow flared up more. Hawks took a breath, calming himself. He picked the kit back up and silently cleaned the rest of Tokoyami's blood off of his hands. Tokoyami's hands still shook on Hawks's grip, he realised.

They came to the beak. "How much does it hurt? On a scale of one to ten." Hawks tried to gauge the reaction of the teen, reaching out. Tokoyami shifted back, shrugging. Dark Shadow answered before Tokoyami had a chance to. "He wants to tell you it's not that bad, but it hurts a lot. A solid nine point five." Hawks bit his tongue to stop himself from yelling again.

Tokoyami looked betrayed, but nodded in confirmation. Hawks exhaled slowly. "Okay, we'll I'm gonna give you something for the pain, and then I'll treat you. That sound good?" Tokoyami looked uncertainly over at the meds. More specifically, the needle. It took Hawks a second to realise why.

"...You dont like needles?"

A teen shook his head. That's all Hawks needs. He sits quietly, thinking. How was Hawks supposed to do this? Tokoyami starts opening his beak, but immediately makes a noise of pain and closes it. Dark Shadow doesnt translate.

Tokoyami tried again, slower and much more muffled than usual. "You... dont have to worry... I can—" He cuts himself off with a wince of pain, hand flying up to his beak again. Hawks takes his hand away, gripping tight. "Its okay, dont push yourself."

Hawks looks around for a distraction. If he can manage to get Tokoyami's mind off of the needle situation, Hawks might be able to inject him without a problem. He's used those drugs on his sidekicks and himself before, and they work fast, and are completely safe, a bonus. Plus, considering how small his intern is, Tokoyami should be put straight out, the stuff is strong.

Hawks's eyes land on the T.V. and he grins. He turns it on and flicks through the channels. Someone catches his attention. "Hey, isnt that Eraserhead?" He stops on a talk show. There, in all his glory, is the class 1A homeroom teacher. "He doesn't look very happy." Hawks laughs. Tokoyami is staring, seemingly occupied.

Hawks let's him watch for a little longer, setting up the needle. Dark Shadow noticed, but said nothing and continued to watch. Eventually, Hawks finally deemed Tokoyami distracted enough and quickly injected the needle into his interns arm. Tokoyami visible jolted, but the drugs worked fast and Tokoyami fell quiet, and slumped against the couch after a minute.

Hawks sighed. "Sorry kid..." Hawks turned him over, and got to work quietly. Tokoyami's beak was fragile, so Hawks had to work gently. He wiped a considerable amount of blood away and saw it. He wasnt surprised that it hurt. There was a large gash sliced over the right side of his kids beak. It was a messy cut, so obviously Tokoyami had either been moving or the person had shaky hands. Or both.

Either way, Hawks wasnt letting them away with this. He was gonna hunt the fucker down himself if that's what it took. He cleaned it up and was going to bandage it when Tokoyami's hand shot out and gripped Hawks's arm tight. Tokoyami's eyes were barely open and it looked like he was completely out of it.

Hawks chucked. "Alright bud, go back to sleep—" Tokoyami cut him off. "Hawkszzzz. There'sss dis guy. Dis guy and he keepssssss..." he trailed off, mumbling nonsense. Hawks stopped. A guy? He must really be out of it. Tokoyami continued. "He keepsss followin' me! Amd I dont know why... hess freaky dough. I domf like it."

Well, now Hawks was concerned. Before he could ask any questions, Tokoyami had gone slack again, his breathing evened out. Hawks didnt think much of it, and just bandaged him up. Hawks sat back with a sigh, looking at his work. Tokoyami was oddly calm, Dark Shadow no where in sight.

Hawks turned off the T.V and got up. He'd have to call Eraserhead once he was finished up with his interview, and judging by the yelling he heard, it wasnt going very well. Hawks looked down at the sleeping teen. He couldn't leave him on the couch, but he didnt want to risk injuring him further by moving him and fucking dropping him, which, knowing Hawks's luck, was a very real possibility.

Hawks decided it would be safer to just grab a blanket and wrap his intern in it. At least he'd be comfy, right? Hawks grabbed the fluffy one he'd seen the kid eye after a rough patrol. Hawks manoeuvred the kid and wrapped him into a mini burrito. Hawks smiled and decided fuck it, the kid was up, might as well move him. He carefully walked down the hall towards the elevator.

He asked himself where he would put the kid. The simple answer was to put him in Hawks's room, but his office was all the way down at the bottom floor. Would Tokoyami be able to handle the elevator if the drugs are still in his system when he woke up? Hawks sighed and brought the paperwork with him, playing the safe game.

Hawks sets his kid in his bed, and does the rest of his work quietly, feathers keeping a close watch on his kid as he sleeps without a problem. Hawks finishes his work and sits back, eyes closing. He drifts off, his feathers still active.

The next morning, his feathers woke him. Tokoyami is moving. Hawks groans and stands up, stretching and walking to his room. Tokoyami is sitting up, hands touching his beak with obvious confusion.

Hawks laughs and pushes his intern back down on the bed. "Go back to sleep, baby bird. It's still early." Tokoyami nods and curls up, still feeling exhausted. Hawks sits himself on the edge of the bed, watching his intern as his chest rises and falls. Hawks gets bored after a while, leaving as his phone buzzes.

Erasurehead? This should be fun. Hawks leaves and puts it on speaker. The angered shout that greets him tells Hawks everything.

"Hawks! You are aware of what a curfew is, correct?" Aziawa yells. He's in class as they speak. The rest of the class is confused. Bakugo rolls his eyes and Mina pokes at Asui and whispers something.

Aziawa continues without a pause. "Because I know damn well that Tokoyami wouldn't break curfew, so where is he? I swear if you tell me he's in hospital again." At this Hawks winced as the class perks up on the other end of the line. "Again?" Midoryia turns to Todoroki, who shrugs.

Hawks laughs. "Well, you'll be glad to know we didnt have to bring him this time, but—" Aziawa cuts him off. "Then why isn't he in class?!" Hawks sighs. "Some guy jumped him on his way to the train station, okay? They hit him hard, too."

The class grows nervous as Aziawa stays silent. Whatever Hawks had said must have either shocked him or caught him off guard. "Are you serious? Why—?" Hawks answers with a shrug. "Dark Shadow said something about animal-based quirks."

"Really? Just because of his appearance—" the class falls quiet again. Kirishima shakes Denki's shoulder. "They cant attack someone like that, right? Just because of his face?" Kirishima whispers, and Denki shrugs. Shouji's fists clench. He's delt with more than enough of those types of people in his life. Iida was chopping angrily, and Bakugo looked pissed.

Aziawa is still ranting. He's gotten so angry he couldn't hold his phone, in fear of breaking it. So it went on speaker as he went on a tangent. Hawks finds a good place to cut in. His voice rings loudly in the class.

"Hey, I'm just as angry at you. But the kid is trying to sleep. Maybe keep it down?" Hawks chuckles darkly. "Not like he'll be able to voice his complaints, though."

Aziawa immediately regrets it, but he asks why. "The motherfucker slashed his beak. It'll probably scar, it was deep." Hawks peeked into the room. Tokoyami was still asleep, turned away from the door. Hawks closed the door softly and tuned back into the conversation. Aziawa was yelling. There were other voices yelling, as well.

Aziawa's voice rang clear. "Sorry, Hawks. Gonna have to cut this short. Bring him back around when he wakes up, Recovery Girl will help him. Bakugo! Dont you dare—! Fuck!" The line went dead.

Hawks laughed. Looks like the class knew. He turned to go down the hallway, but stopped when something pulled at his jacket. He turned to see Tokoyami standing, albeit wobbly. The blanket Hawks had wrapped around him hung on his shoulders, and Tokoyami's body disappeared under it.

Hawks smiled softly. "Hey there, baby bird. What's going on?" Hawks moved to support him as the teen almost went down. Slowly, they moved to the kitchen. With Dark Shadow's help, Tokoyami sat on the counter, still wrapped in the blanket. Dark Shadow faced Hawks. "He's wondering how to eat. We're hungry."

Hawks blinked. "I hadn't thought about that...." He trailed off. "We'll ask Recovery Girl when we see her. You wanna go now or do you wanna wait?" Tokoyami shrugged. Hawks shook his head. "Well, let's re-bandage your beak first, then we'll go, sound good?"

Tokoyami nodded and moved to stand. It took a minute, but they got there. Hawks took off the bandages. The wound looked as ugly as ever. "Hey, what did the guy look like?" Tokoyami thought about it. He turned towards the T.V and his face dropped. He pointed at the screen.

Hawks looked. Someone had been murdered late last night. Ouch, it looked brutal. There was something familiar about the wounds though...

"That looks like..." Hawks stared at the wound he was cleaning. "Oh. Holy shit." Hawks snapped his head up, looking for confirmation. Tokoyami nodded, a little too hard, and hissed in pain. Hawks steadied him. "Wait. If the wound is so similar, then..." He turned the volume up.

"The only suspects we have at the moment are the league of villains, and that's because of the dust left behind. Also scorch marks left on the victim's back..."

Hawks's phone lit up as a message came through. He checked it. It was from an unknown number, which meant it was from Dabi.

"You're welcome." Was all it said.

Hawks typed out his reply. He asked why the fuck he would do something like that. Dabi responded with: 'Dude was on our hit list anyways. He should learn to think twice before slicing a league member so close to Shigaraki.'

This left Hawks confused. Dark Shadow said that the guy didnt like people with animal-based quirks, so it would have to be their driver, but the last part....

Oh well. He's dead now. That's all that matters.

He took Tokoyami to Recovery Girl, and she did all she could. Within a week it had scarred, much to Tokoyami's annoyance. He could talk properly, which was okay. Before he got used to it though, he had a lisp. Hawks thought it was adorable. A lisp plus head tilts?? Hawks's intern was the cutest, no doubt.

Hawks grinned as Tokoyami waved goodbye two weeks later. "Make sure you get home this time, okay?" Tokoyami sighed and flipped Hawks off, being the last person to leave.

Hawks laughed. Hopefully this time there would be no unexpected attacks on his intern. Hawks walked to his office and stared at the pile of paperwork left unfinished.

"Son of a bitch—"

This ended on a funny note, though I wanted to make a point on quirk discrimination. With everything that's happening in America right now, its important to say

Black lives matter. They have mattered all along, and they will always matter.

But I do hope you enjoyed! If you wanna see anything else, just ask! I'm always open to suggestions :D

[infinityactual]

Ok, angsty Lasky headcanon time. This is a long one, despite the fact that I wanted to keep it short. Please note, there is mention of sex, but there's nothing graphic or descriptive. If you want specifics you'll have to ask lol.

So, I don't have an exact timeline bc 343i said 'Dates for events in canon? What're those.' but within maybe 9 months, Tom has (in no particular order):

Lost his older brother, who he was close to bc they relied on each other growing up

Learned of the existence of ALIENS, whom are also bent on exterminating humanity

Been told by his mom he couldn't go to Cad's memorial

Learned he had the allergy to cytoprethaline which fucks him up pretty bad

Struggled to live up to the legacy his mom and brother left

Nearly been glassed

Nearly had a wholeass tether come down on him

Held Chyler when she died

All at the age of 15.

One thing I noticed that 98% of the time you see substance abuse, anger management problems or physical  self-harm as responses to trauma in fic. Which isn't a BAD thing, but those aren't the only sorts of unhealthy coping mechanisms.

One thing I'd heard about AGES ago was that sex can become a coping mechanism just like anything else, but it's almost never brought up because of the fucked societal views on sex in general, let alone the way society sees people who are promiscuous (regardless of reason).

So, in the wake of Circinus, Tom spends a few years dealing with and processing a lot: He has a year where he does nothing but try to get back to functionality, then goes to another academy to finish his education. But now instead of people having too many expectations, everyone treats him like he's fragile and needs things to be made easier for him, which just makes him feel shitty about himself and he ends up hiding a lot of how he truly feels and doesn't really deal with anything.

But Tom has exactly none of it. Cos in his mind, it's all performative. He's hurt, he's angry, he went through an emotional and mental meat grinder at fifteen, seeing and dealing with things a lot of grown adults don't have to face, and suffer chronic mental health problems when they do. He was probably still upset over his mom saying he couldn't go to the memorial for Cadmon and held on to that for a long time.

I have a lot of HCs for Audrey too, and one of those HCs is that she tried really hard to be there for Tom after Circinus. She'd just lost one son, and probably thought Tom was dead for several days at least, so getting him back in one piece would be a second chance that I think she'd jump at.

So, in his mind there's that anger, plus a sense of 'where was this when cadmon and I were growing up and needed you around???' It just sort of snowballs for a few years, piling on top of all the other shit he went through. So eventually at around 17-18, An Event occurs that I have yet to figure out, and he loses his shit and goes off on his mom. He's hurt and angry and irrational and not processing what he went through, so he says a lot of *really hurtful* things and then basically shuts her out when he goes off to flight school for Aviator training.

So, pilots are...generally a bunch of insufferable frat chads. So if you stick one severely traumatized kid in a barracks with a bunch like that, things are gonna spiral into the floor really fast. He wants to be left alone at first, but he's eventually pestered into trying clubbing.

Tom quickly finds out that nightclubs are absolute hell to him. The dark and the laser lights and the moving shapes he can't quite make out and the loud music just sends him straight back to Circinus. So he hangs out in quieter bars that are better lit, figures out he really likes fruity cocktails, and eventually he ends up going home with someone and discovers that over the course of this one-night-stand, he wasn't dwelling on his trauma and felt better for a little while. So, the next time the opportunity arises, he takes it.

Like any coping mechanism, it starts out not much of a problem but becomes pretty much a compulsion over time. He stays out later, drinks a little more, dresses more provocatively and becomes less and less picky about who he sleeps with.

Sex becomes his vice because not only does it make him feel good and provide a distraction, but fills that need for intimacy and closeness with someone, as well as his desire to feel wanted and sought out. It's all superficial, but he also just lost two people who were very important in his life (whether you see him and Chyler as romantic or not, she was still the first person to really treat him with any amount of kindness and support) so subconsciously he's afraid of connecting with anyone in a healthy, meaningful way because what if I lose them too.

While all this is going on, he's probably switched antidepressant meds a few times as well, but aside from that isn't really keeping up with his mental health.

And of course, things get worse and he takes more and more risks with his physical wellbeing till his poor decisions catch up with him and he ends up with a suspicious sore throat, and when he goes to medical abt it, he's given meds and told 'no partying for x days'.

Right about this time, the most recent meds he's on start to have an effect, and catching something is a reality check for him. the imposed 'no partying' restriction gives him time to start looking at things differrently, and finding meds that work for him helps get him started on dealing with things in a way that doesnt involve a lot of risky sex.

During the war, he still struggles with letting himself truly get attached to people, especially since he probably lost other people he knew, as friends or crewmates or both. And he carries a lot of shame and guilt over his actions in his early twenties; not because of the sex itself, but because he sought it out for the wrong reasons, using it as a substitute for things that would have been more fulfilling, but were (and in some ways, still are even by 2558) too scary for him then. He wasn't thinking clearly by a long shot, and that lack of control isn't something he's proud of. As such, this period of time is something he'll avoid talking about beyond "I was in a really bad place".

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

So my life has gone to shit.. I dont trust anybody anymore, and honest to god I cant help but keep thinking of ways to end it. My mom keeps telling me how to feel about this whole thing, that I should be grateful that i got in finally to see a specialist. Reality is I dont even trust those subhuman animals anymore, and frankly they're gonna have to earn my trust. After 4 fucking years, my life, my future being ruined. My mental health going downhill, all for the second time now. Add on to that, I dont get any meds for the pain so this has pushed me into addiction now for a second time. I've been dehumanized and humiliated, treated with nothing but the utmost disrespect while being stigmatized for being mentally ill, transgender and a recovering addict for most of it. They ignored me for 4 years, my body is damaged, and frankly help just might have came too little too late. I wont just suffer through the next one, the next time this happens I'm gonna end my life, my suffering on my own god damn terms. Atleast I still have control over that..

Fuck the canadian healthcare system. Some days I honestly just want to start selling drugs, and fly to a country where I can just pay to play and get the best care in the god damn world. Cause 4 years now I've been telling them to refer me to a specialist, I've been telling them that it's probably crohns or some other GI issue. They need to do a colonoscopy and a scope to find it, so that's what I would ask for. I would never get it, so i more or less gave up on the healthcare system. They would leave me on the floor thrashing in pain for hours. Treating me like a drug addict in withdrawal when I didnt even have any opioids in my system. I would be lucky if I got an IV for fluids, and even more lucky if they pumped me full of a bunch of over the counter drugs and others that didnt work like gravol, tauridol, buscopan, zofran, and haliperidol. I would tell them each time, that this was the hundredth time they tried gravol, and it doesnt help people when they're screaming in pain. They treat the nausea. Its bullshit because I am in so much pain that its making me nauseous and until they get rid of the pain, the vomiting is just gonna continue. They always treat me like I'm full of shit, and when I turn out to be right and continue puking, thrashing and screaming in pain, they just get angry at the fact they were wrong. Our doctors and nurses are a bunch of sociopathic, apathetic adult children who in my experience take pleasure in watching you suffer. The worse I get the more they smile. They are so stupid, blind almost because if their stupid fucking machine says I'm ok then I guess it's all in my head. They only think that theres nothing wrong with me because theyve only ever done a blood test or an xray. Never ever once have they done a single test that would have found the issue, crohns cant be found just on a blood test. The emergency room doctors think it can be, my family doctor and everybody else I've talked to says otherwise.

On January 1st I was having another flare up, and they shoved me in the psych observation room because they genuinely didnt want to deal with me. They ignore me, and I keep going in because I want help. I dont want to end up relapsing again cause I cant take the god damn pain! But nope, I get treated like a crazy person now.. they did it against my will. And they even tried to take my phone and my keys. I was puking constantly, I needed water to keep hydrated and they left me for 4 hours, locked in, no meds, no help or nothing. So I just cracked.. I had nothing to barf in, to wipe my nose with, or to wipe the cold sweat off me. So I puked in every corner of that room, I puked beside the bed especially because a mop wouldnt fit in there. I pissed in the corner, I would hack up some phlegm and spit it all over the floors and walls, I blew snot rockets on every surface too! After a while some nurse came in and gave me a barf bag. I threw it on the floor and just continued to puke over every hard surface in the place. I was puking every 5 seconds I swear, and the doctor finally came in at 3 hours and 15 minutes. At 3.5 hrs they give me two pills. I straight up tell them there is no point in even taking them. I couldnt even keep water down and these people are stupid enough to make me take pills? Come on. You need to hold it in for atleast an hour to see even the most minimal affects. I was puking every 5 seconds, to the point that I puked before I took the pills, and I puked them out the moment after I swallowed. They had given me a fucking gravol tab, and some Ativan, the latter of which I couldnt even hold under my tongue long enough. I barfed it onto the floor when it was half dissolved. They come back with this clear liquid shit in a shot glass. I swallowed it right after I puked. The liquid burned my insides, and i puked that shit out even quicker. I asked them to give me IV medications for that exact reason, I always ask for IV medications cause its literally a waste of your time and mine to just pump me full of pills when I can't keep them down and they hurt my tummy as they dissolve. They tell me to just "breathe deeply and relax" and to "just try jayden, you gotta try", so then I try, and when they end up being wrong, and I can't take shit. They end up saying that I'm manipulating, that I'm drug seeking or I'm not trying hard enough to make it work. Absolute bullshit, over the course of 4 years I have quite literally told them what to do. I have multiple family members with this disease, and my grandmother was ignored like this too. She told me to ask them for a colonoscopy and a scope, and to ask them to treat the pain, not the nausea cause the pain literally causes the nausea. The sooner the pain is gone the sooner I can be normal and tell them what's going on. Instead I'm left to suffer in the worst pain a human being can feel. I get treated like shit and told it's all in my head. I gave up on getting a diagnosis in year two. I just want to shoot dope whenever the pain comes. Dope atleast takes it away, after all they would be giving me some of the strongest shit they have at the hospital if I was some boomer with a sprained ankle. It would take the pain away. Thats for sure. Being a mentally ill, drug using, autistic tranny they just see that. I get nothing. No help, no answers, not even some relief when my screaming can be heard far and wide.

I want to die right now, and I keep trying to think of a painless way to do it.. buying $400 worth of street fentanyl and slipping into a nice, peaceful opioid coma seems like a wonderful idea right now.. that would end the fucking suffering atleast..

I wont be wearing a colostomy bag. Colostomy bags arent sexy, they are fucking disgusting and you cant just be body positive when you have a fucking bag full of your own shit hanging off you, and your only way of having penetrative sex sewed up permanently and taken away from me. Not like I could even be a decent fuck for anybody at this point anyways. Its painful to shit, let alone anything else. I dont want to give up food either. I love food, food is literally my life and the only way I have to bond with certain people! Like my family for example. Nothing makes me just want to slip.into that coma more then the worry of the future.

Will I be sitting at a family gathering eating bland gluten free, dairy free, all organic 100% vegan fair trade horse shit on a plate while my family actually gets to enjoy the food I used to be able to eat? Moms spaghetti, grandmas meat pies, the baked goods, fresh tomatoes out of my garden and others. A good fucking steak even? Cause honestly a birthday isnt a birthday if I dont have my birthday meal.

I know for a fact my body is damaged from 4 years of suffering. I used to bounce back, now it takes the wind out of my sails for a month.

Needless to say, I just want to fucking die more then anything else. Positivity and anything I love is gone, and all that I have left is knowing that Alberta health services, coast mountain health services, providence health services, and interior health services have all fucked me in the biggest way humanely possible. So thankful for free fucking healthcare!!

You get what you bloody well pay for!!

[arthurflecksgirl]

Therapy / Arthus POV

I`m at Doctor Kane`s again and the concrete walls are closing in on me. There is concrete everywhere and I can feel it. Not only the four walls of this room that remind me of another room  but I`m not sure how`s that possible or which room it reminds me of. Its just the window and the lamps. And how tight it gets in here. How small. How small I get. Its also the walls outside. Every wall of every one of those skyscrapers. They`re replacing better things. I guess every single place on which a fucking skyscraper stands upon, there was something beautiful in the past. Maybe a tree or something that represents life and being alive. But those things? They`re dead. And the people inside of them are dead inside because they are feeling the walls closing in on them,too. I can feel the concrete filling their once soft hearts. I can taste the concrete while smoking my cigarette. It`s heavy and its building its walls around me until I compleately dissappear behind them. No one takes a look behind the wall or tries to walk around them. People will think the concrete has always been there. They have forgotten about the trees long ago.

So I´m sitting there between more walls and stairs and elevators that bring you nowhere but here to this room which is filled with piled up files of forgotten patients. There is a poster hanging on another wall. Saying "Its normal to feel trapped". And I wonder how much of this can be coincidence? The walls are talking to me now. They know what I`ve been thinking. Or maybe they even start to recognize me. They have seen so many. And they remember me. Like the guy on the radio, mentioning my name. Maybe things starting to make sense for once. Would be a nice change.

I laugh to myself.

Thoughts are a funny thing even if they aren`t funny. Everything has a funny side to it if you look at it long enough. Thats one of the reasons why I am a comedian.Its so close and true to what you call real life. And I need things to be real sometimes. I need a connection to what is there and there is a joke everywhere you look at. Most are black humor without a doubt. But the joke is still doing it`s job.

"I`ve heard this song on the radio the other day and the guy was singing that his name is Carnival..."

I just have to tell her. I cannot not tell her this. This might be one of the things that will make her listen and think about it. There must be something that changes the look on her face. Something that interrups the boredom and the cruel emptyness of her eyes. Maybe she is the one who isnt really there. Maybe thats why she is barely talking and not noticing things. She`s simply not there. Because if she was, there must be some kind of reaction, right? An acutual emotion, a response. Anything. But there isnt. She`s just an empty shell, nothing means anything to her. Because she might not be real. But I am and I will proof it to her now. She an`t ignore this. If she is real she just can`t ignore this.

"Arthur...." she interrups my talking. Usually I appriciate people calling me by my actual name. Its personal but people barely call me Arthur. I`m Happy and Carnival or not even being called a name. Sometimes at work, yeah but it never sounds like it should. I imagin how my name would sound like if someone who truly loves me would say it. Arthur. With a lovely softness to it. Arthur. A breath bretween kisses.

I hate the way Dr Kane said it. Just the sound of it was asking me to stop explaining to her. And she doesnt even know what I am about to tell her. So I just keep talking, hoping she will react once I finished my sentence.

"...which is crazy. Because that`s my clown name at work." A subtile point into her direction with my hand thats holding the cig. I`m trying to concentrate to explain it to her the best way I can. This is an important moment to me. Hearing that song playing was a sign. There was more to it and I know it. And I want her to know. I want everyone to know.

"And until a little while ago it was like nobody ever saw me...."

Like she doesnt right now. She is sitting right there in front of me and I ask myself which one of us is the non existing part of this room. It has to be one of us. I always thought it was me but turns out I was wrong.

"Even I didnt know if I really existed..." I close my eyes to take a look on the inside and quietly laugh to myself.

I said it. I know I handed her my journal so many times and I was writing about that a lot but she never stopped at those pages. I dont think she is aware of how I felt all my life. They send you here to talk about your feelings, telling you you will feel better afterwards but it really is just talking to myself . And I can do that at home as well. But I want to come here. I actually want to. Because there is this pathetic hope that some day I will tell her something and she will show a reaction or ask me a question that is challenging me. Or she is listening to me answering. I still come here to see if there will be a day that is different from all the others. And - of course- to get my meds.

So now that i told her that I was questioning my very own existence ....what is she about to do? Send me back to Arkham again? Giving me more meds? More hours of talking to myself?

Poeple keep ignoring you and then you are the one who is crazy for being ignored.

"Arthur I`have some bad news for you."

There again. My name. With an even worse tone to it.Bad news huh? Seems like today will not be the day something`s different. She`s not even looking at me now. her eyes are unfocused. Maybe she is thinking of another poster she could hang up. Like the one against drugs. But I have to come here to get my drugs. Like I said. There are jokes everywhere. Even on a concrete wall.

Bad news. So what could it be? I`m crazy. Maybe bad but old news. Wayne is going to be Major. Maybe bad, maybe not. What do I know? But I´m aware of it. Mum tells me ten times a day.  What else could it be? I`m not funny. Real bad. The radio isnt playing any music from now on. Real bad. I`m no one I`m no one I`m no one. Fucking bad.

I look at her. Right in the eyes. She doesnt like that. But if she doesnt do it I will.. Existing or not.

"You dont listen, do you?" I ask her. And her head is moving but her eyes are still empty. Maybe thats all I  get as a reaction.

"I dont think you ever really hear me" I add. I talk slow and quiet. To make my self clear.

"You just ask the same questions every week. How`s your job? Are you having any negative thoughts?"

Why is she asking me to keep up with my journal if she isnt reading it anyway? Maybe she just wants to check if I added some more interesting cut outs of porn magazines.

How`s work? I can tell you how work is. Done. Its fucking done because they fired me. But I won`t tell you. And I won`t tell mum. I will find a way to get some money and you`ll never find out how because you`re never watching me.

“ All I have are negative thoughts”

Some thoughts are funny but that doesnt mean they aren`t negative. Black humor, remember? Black as the heart of Gotham city. Black as the blacked out pages of my torn diary. Black as the creatures of my nightmares, black as their claws around my neck and the ropes around my tiney wrists. Black as nights made of insomnia and pain.

Black, black, black and I get lost in it. Me, the light. getting lost in the dark. I need love to illuminate me.

"....but you won`t listen anyway. I said for my whole life I don`t know if I even existed. But I do. And people are starting to notice".

She takes a breath. Like she is about to answer. Maybe I finally suceeded. She can`t ignore this, right? I never pointed out before how  ignorant she is. I dont hate her. I just wish she would notice how much of a let down it is to come here, hoping to get some help, to have someone to talk to, but all you`ve got is someone who makes you feel even more irrelevant. Maybe she isnt even aware of the pain she is causing. I bet she isnt. She doesnt even know herself. Maybe we have something in common. Drained and worn out by this town, by people, by the world. Life.

Finally she says something.

"They cut our funding. We`re closing down our offices next week."

I exhale the smoke. And with the smoke another fragement of hope is leaving my body.

"This city has cut funding across the board, social services is part of that."

I hear her words and try to understand what that means for me. What the consequences will be. My mind is racing while my face is resting as she says this is the last time we`ll be meeting.

An "Okay" is all that escapes my lips. I try not to show what is going on on the inside. But maybe I should, Maybe I should just get up and rip those fucking posters off the walls. The one with the cage is first.

Cages. Bars. Creaures with cages around their heads. I`m that creature. Trapped inside of my own mind. And I can`t get out. I can`t get out. I need to talk to someone. I need someone to listen. I need someone to look at my drawings and ask me why that guy`s head is a fucking cage?! But she just turns the pages. She turns them like my thoughts are nothing. Like I am nothing.

Now she finally looks at me. her eyes found their focus. "They don`t give a shit about people like you, Arthur."

Thats the sentence she looked at me for? Wow. I smirk. Its the only thing I can do for now. The only reaction to being told what you always  knew. People dont give a shit about people like you, Arthur. She really used my name to tell me this. This is personal. I came here for being suicial. And she tells me people dont give a shit about me. I`m sure I can work on a joke based on that. Based on how much it hurts.

I nodd. Not looking at her anymore. I let that sink in. The sharpness and rawness of the pain. I let it sink inside of my body and let it spread. Am I  having any negative thoughts?

"Fuck!" I whisper to myself, taking the last drag of my cig before I put it into the ashtray. "How?...." my voice cracks.  This is a bad surprise. even to me. I`m always prepared for the worst but this really gets to me. I dont even know why.  The meetings are not satisfying at all and the meds dont seem to do anything.  But I`m doing something! I come here to do something.  Trying to get better. Trying not to give up compleately. Trying to get the help I need, even if I dont get it. I fucking try. So let me try! Don`t take the chance away from me to try. What will happen to me if I dont take my meds anymore? I cant even remember a time without them. Will I go through a withdrawal? Or worse? Seven meds. Things are not looking very good.

"How am I supposed to get my medication now?" I swallow hard before I decide to look her in the eyes again "Who do I talk to?"

I know it was more self talk than anything else but deep inside of me there was this hope that some part of her was listening. I know that now. I was still hoping.

And I am hoping now.

For her to tell me some last words to make me feel better. To let me know that hoping was the right thing to do.

"I`m sorry, Arthur"

I lose it.

I lose it all.

@impulsiveclown @will-you-be-there @jokerownsmysoul @missjoker96 @arthurskitten @lynnesm @nonnymousse @gwynplaine89 @ajokeformur-ray@damnrightobsessedwithim @sgtsavoytruffle  @duhliriouss  @flowerglitterwoman @thirstforfleck @spookyhome @iartsometimes  @you-cant-cry-in-here @bustafatclownnut @jokerismyhubbie  @check-out-this-joker @darknessisafriend  @arthurhappyclown    @neon-umbrella-for-stella   @call-me-harley-quinn  @arthurjokersgirl

@aarthurfleckk @mylovelycrazyworld @clownalog @ajokerfangirl  @the-one-who-is-chaos @sabrinaeileensnape @raven-romanoff @ivedescoveredheathsjoker

[wheezy-kasp-brak]

rant, you can skip

why do my friends have to be such genuinely good people? i know thats such an awful thing to be complaining about but it just sucks when you need a reason to be mad and you want to bawl your eyes out and theres just no reason. i wish i could punch a hole in my wall and just get up and walk out of class and hate everyone. i mean i fucking blocked them and they still manage to find alternate ways to text me. “checking in to make sure you know i still care. i love you!! take ur time” “hey kid just noticed, you ok?” like omg i just want to hate you for some reason but i cant. and i hate drama dont get me wrong but i have such an urge to yell at them and bring up their insecurities and secrets i know they trusted me with even though i know how harmful and disgusting it is to use those kinds of things in arguments. and i dont think that way either, like i would never blame someone for going through it or having personal issues because we all know i do. but i want them to hate me, i genuinely want them to have such a distaste for just being in the same room as me, living on the same planet. so many decisions ive made in the past have been based on these emotions and the outcome is never good but its always what i thought i needed in the moment. so many of them i regret and hate myself for but i never seem to be able to settle for anything, i need my life moving at a fast pace. and i feel so bland on these meds and i know if i went off them things would only get worse for everyone. everything is biochemical so nothing ever has a reason and its never fucking going away so im going to be stuck in this same loop for the rest of my life. im not looking for pity or any kind of solution, i just need this to be out there. to say it to someone even if its some random person half way across the earth i dont care. im just so sick of these thoughts and un-named feelings that i never seem to be able to put into words. and dear, you, (you know who are) this isnt at you and you know that. this is about dc and jg and sl and ob and k/l. you know nothing i ever say could ever apply to you because for some reason my brain just doesnt work like this around you/ youre magic. 

[welcometotheocverse]

Kirsty and Kit and/or Kirsty and El headcanons?

Kirsty and Kit

I feel like they would have a bit of tension ( through neither of the kids fault tho) on their relationship over Richard because while Richard dotes on the girls he’s very much emotionally abusive to Kit 

( think sorta like that episode where Lorelai was telling him he has to respect her boundaries/judgement and he hits her with “You think I don’t know why you “invited” me here” and proceeds to make it about making her feel guilty instead of apologizing. Or when he pulls the Yale stuff and instead of saying “yes sorry  i shouldn't have  lied to literally everyone in the car” pulls out the “you know nothing about the Ivy league” sucker punch like specifically Richard reacts badly to being challenged or disagreed with and Kit Very Much challenges him at any time he pulls stuff like this so sadly Richard treats him about as well as he treats Lorelai he’s always bringing up Kit’s shortcomings when Kit disagrees with him and lambasting him with them.)

I feel like Richard would kinda reign it back around Kirsty tho ( he does around Rory becuase sorta how he apologized to Rory over Dean he cares very much about upsetting her and he and Kirsty seem close so i feel like it’d be similar)

Kit wouldn’t tell Kirtsy whenever Richard slides back to being bad to him  😭

Kit would probably also go “I have to take care of her” about Kirsty like he does about Rory and try to be there for all the things Christopher isn’t there for. Like he would go to all her dance recitals and events and just “i gotta be her dad” Kit honey tho lol

He’d support her relationship with the grandparents even as his becomes distanced. ( he stops going to Friday night dinners after graduation ) 

Kirsty might  be able to mitigate the sorta fight/sorta necessary sibling talk that Kit and Rory have coming because Kit means well but is ( unsurprisingly) a bit over protective and Rory eventually has to be like “it was never your job to take care of me and also sometimes you make things worse” ( ie bringing up Paris parents because Paris was cornering Rory) and Kit’s just like “wow okay ow” and is kinda hurt about about and neither of them are good at Feelings bc they’re Gilmores just because from what you’ve told me Kirsty’s good at interventions/picking up other’s emotions.

We stan queer Gilmore kids solidarity. Kit would probably come out to Kirsty before he comes out to everyone else ( he does it pretty early) 

They’ve both gotten in at least one fight per school ( elementary , middle, high) over defending each other. 

Kirsty would be one of the few people to know Kit skips school with Zack on father’s day. And that he kinda disappears that day because it hurts him not because he’s being a slacker. ( i mean he IS a slacker but that day has a lot more to it for him yknow but hes not about to disclose that) 

Kit punching Mitchum and Kirsty slapping Shira on the same episode. Yes please. 

He’d probably ask Kirsty for advice on how to help Rory  ( her panic attacks don’t really go away in his fic and she struggles with bunrout/wondering if she wants journalism still and basically crashes at Kit’s while she does so bc “Yales bad for you and so are the Gilmores”) like probably after We Got Magic To Do because he’s never had to deal with anything like this and “i can’t punch it what tf do I do?” but Kirsty being there gives him someone that would actually...know how the anxiety stuff works.

He goes to see her dances in NY and takes her flowers ( yes this is based on that gif but also im not sorry bc babies) 

El and Kirsty

They’re pretty good hanging out nonverbal like just sitting down and hanging out together because they both know words are hard sometimes. 

Kirsty’s probably one of the only  people who know he likes video game scores ( it helps him focus) as well a some of the bands/genres Lane deems “need to go extinct” ( bc i mean hes sure not telling her and Lore and Rory can be a bit judgy about music too) 

Likewise she’s probably the only one he tells that he’s lowering his coffee intake because it fucks with his anxiety/meds specially after Yale. ( he doesnt tell lorelai or rory bc of their whole “decaf is blasphemy”

Rip Paris when she takes El’s scicom assignments in the newspaper after the PJ Harvey debacle lmao 

Rip Paris whenever she calls El “the one who doesn’t talk”

But also RIP Paris’ if she’s ever mean to Kirsty/drags Kirsty into anything because El’s switch from creampuff to verbally shutting someone down no holds barred aside from seeing someone treated unfairly ( ie Brad) are his siblings. ( even if he has an anxiety attack after look, its the thought  that counts)

He’d keep in contact with her when she goes to NY ( specially bc im not sure if he goes to Washington) and go to her dances.

Fights are hard on him but he’d call Lorelai out when she’s unfair to Kirsty

Kirsty would probably be the one to find out that his panic attacks are getting worse during freshman year at Yale ( for him its yeah like Rory hes struggling to find material Actually Hard and the class load is burying him but also “hey turns out when that happens and you and you’re on meds for GAD which you forget to take because you haven't stopped doing homework for hours and also somehow you’re still scraping by and time is a foreign concept so less food and sleep” it uh...comes back to bite you...Hard) he doesn’t tell Lorelai  because like Rory he hates the idea of letting people down/having people know he’s struggling and he doesn’t tell Rory because he knows she's as busy as him/probably struggling too and doesn’t even see her that often anyways bc …yeah. 

Honestly she’d probably  be the one to find him in Shrinking Lorelais since Lorelai and Rory are crying on the married man in their lives. 

I have this feeling that despite Kirsty sometimes feeling left out withb El and Rory and El sometimes feeling left out with Kirsty and Rory ( hes the only boy and also the only one not dating when they're in hs and its just stuff like that) and later with Jess and Kirsty they also have things that are just theirs ( jogging together, knowing when each other’s anxiety’s spike, keeping feelings secret) and it makes me very ;A;. like they would just be so in each other’s corners.

Salt fests about Christopher. Kirsty’s the only one who knows how much he hates getting books from him because its just him lumping him together with Rory and is the only one who’s ever actually head him say “I'm not even worth googling to him” bc like he doesnt even tell Rory that bc Rory likes Christopher but Kirsty would get it.

El respects that Kirsty keeps things that upset her to herself and doesn’t make her open up but also makes sure to give her words of affirmation when he can tell she’s sad/off/upset. 

Kirsty’s the first person he tells both about figuring out he’s ace ( in 2001) and that he’s aroace ( in Yale) 

I’m still very here for El taking hits from Dean in Keg!Max over Kirsty and falling asleep in her hospital bed like yes gimme. 

He tends to go see Kirsty ( and Trista, Logan and Jess depending on timeline) after having to spend time with Christopher to see Gigi because she gets it. And also probably shows up nonverbal sometimes but Kirsty can tell and they just like read or chill ( just El not being alone after dealing with Christopher)

On the heels of that El supporting Kirsty on cutting Christopher out her life ;A; 

[meanminyxrd]

smokey eyes by lincoln but its andreil

i doubt anyone is going to fully read through this, but i like to song analyze. i like to take songs i find and explain why i’ve added them to my aftg playlists. this first song i’m going to “explain”, i suppose, is smokey eyes by lincoln. it’s added to neil’s playlist.

The first verse is as follows:

Smokey eyes, are you feeling good?

For now, you’re here with me

Seems like we’ve waited long enough

For someone else to make us feel complete

It’s not a bitter flavor, and it’s not a sweeter drink

I’m scared to ask you if you would do the same for me

at the beginning of whatever this thing with andrew is, neil believes that he is not important at all to andrew. he thinks that andrew doesn’t care as much as he himself does. but he’s okay with that; he’s gonna die by the end of the year anyways, so might as well have a good time. but still, it hurts. ‘are you feeling good?’—he wants to make andrew happy like andrew makes him feel happy. he wants to make andrew feel safe like andrew makes him feel safe. and for fucks sake, they HAVE waited long enough to feel happy and complete. they haven’t had anything like… THIS… their whole lives. and what they have, it isnt stereotypically sweet, but it isn’t in any means bad or bitter. it works out for them, and that’s what matters. and he cares so much about andrew that it hurts, it almost tears him apart to suddenly care about anyone but himself, but he doesnt think andrew cares back and is too scared to ask.

Smokey eyes; that’s your name, isn’t it?

At least that’s what I call you

When I call you, do you shake the way I shake

When I call to say I’m through?

“No, I shake the way you do at shows

So people know you’re cool

Violently, but still controlled enough to screw.”

you cannot tell me neil doesn’t come up with nicknames for andrew. my favorite head canons come from when neil is sleepy and calls andrew ‘drew and i get so weak reading them. as for the shaking part, its like neil’s saying ‘if i called to end it, whatever this thing is, i would be heartbroken and shaking from the anxiety and pain of it all. would you?’ and the only answer he can imagine coming back is that andrew doesnt care, and that all he was was a cheap fuck, because in the beginning that’s all andrew dares to show.

now, after the hotel in baltimore scene, he thinks andrew cares at this point. why else would andrew have fought for him to stay? but we all know how absolutely fucking oblivious neil can be. when he’s with aaron at the cabin during their vacation, he expresses he doesn’t believe andrew would care enough to do anything drastic for him. he genuinely believes that if aaron asked andrew to drop neil, that andrew would in order to keep his promise.

cut to the chorus of the song:

So help me make amends with all my friends

Most other people are just dead ends

There’s nothing worse than making friends

again, after baltimore, he knows andrew cares, but he doesnt know what to do about it or how exactly to cope with this revelation. if andrew cares, then it can’t be that much, right? because what could neil josten, a made up character and personality, have to offer to any of the foxes? yet he needs to make amends with the foxes. they’re all he has, and leaving them would break his heart. he is basically begging andrew not to send him away, begging wymack to let him stay. he wants to make amends, and most people who he’s tried to trust have just hurt him, so they’re dead ends. he hates that he’s attached because what could be worse than getting attached? but he cares, and he wants to fix it, fix this. he knows lying to them was wrong and he thinks the foxes will shun him because he’s the son of the butcher and also the yakuza is not just after kevin but him as well. he hates that he’s attached, but he is, and he wants to fix it.

Sticky thighs, are you wild now or just a memory?

Some people want to be your friend

Some people just want to be free

And the worst thing about me is that I’m somewhere in between;

I might miss you, but I’m still trying to get clean

‘some ppl wanna be ur friend’, the upperclassmen do attempt to include andrew in things, a lot more after neil kinda coaxes them to but the same nonetheless. it’s not easy trying to include the monsters, but neil’s relationship with both “sides” of the team are important to him, so each side tries their best to at least attempt to get along. ‘some ppl just want to be free’ ie aaron. aaron wanted out of the deal but didn’t know how to really get around it. nicky wanted to be more friendly with the upperclassmen but was held back by andrew’s rules. and neil, he’s somewhere in between. he wants to be (boy)friends with andrew, but he also still has this feeling of wanting to run, to leave before andrew leaves, and when he thinks of leaving he misses andrew but he’s also just trying to do what he thinks is best for both of them.

You’ve had enough to drink

You know you’re drowning in the flavor of

Cough syrup and Vicodin

You’ve got the bitter flavor down so

Dab the sweeter drink on a napkin, then

Hold it up to your mouth so you can sleep

andrew usually doesn’t get drunk, as he states he knows his limits, but he totally does when he’s really upset and isn’t gonna be driving. for instance, after a rough game without his meds he would be rewarded with alcohol from wymack. in the author’s notes, there’s a scene where andrew goes to wymack’s apartment to talk about neil and he chugs alcohol then, too. whether he’s able to admit it or not, andrew abuses alcohol as a way to cope. this lyric, to me, alludes to the use of drugs or drinks to cope.

Quiet lies that you’re telling to

Those black and screaming skies...

I hope you’re walking around campus

Contemplating your own smallish size

This is not what all my idols told me college would be like

I hope someday you learn to take your own advice

the quiet lies are in the blank stares, the flat expressions, the mean words and obvious apathy. andrew’s apathy keeps him safe, but neil sees through it. he knows its a lie. he’s knows that there’s more to this misunderstood monster and he wants to learn all about it. he hopes that andrew is able to think about bigger things, even when neil isnt there to try and get him to. he hopes andrew isn’t as impassive as he tries to make others believe. he hopes, and truly believes, that somewhere in there, andrew cares about neil.

furthermore, college is nothing like its made out to be. college, for neil, has been both hell and heaven. he never thought he’d even end up going, let alone go to play exy of all things. andrew is always giving neil advice, but he never follows any of it himself. andrew is all about getting neil to open up to him, but is hesitant to open up as well. neil understands, but he also hopes andrew warms up to him a bit. he enjoys their trust for trust relationship and genuinely wishes that one day andrew will be okay. maybe not good, but okay. because that’s a start.

and, scene.

thank you for reading if you read this far! i’ll probably end up doing more, tbh, because i really enjoy writing these. that’s all for now, though!

[delicioustrashlove]

To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express 

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much  I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones.  You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!!  And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to  put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !!  Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!!  The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn.  I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed.  See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path .  God bless <3 no angry  im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer.  Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.