#any media you've seen me write from is on the table!

[sunnyrosewritesstuff]

Trick or Treat 2024! I thought about this a little more and I think this year I'm going to borrow from different prompt lists. So here are the options!

Send me a pairing/character and one of the treats/tricks below and I’ll write you a little 500 word drabble.

Treats:

Fluffy Platonic Treat- Prompts from Flufftober

Sweet Romantic Treat- Prompts from Bagginshieldtober

Spicy Smut Treat- Prompts from Kinktober

Tricks:

Whump/Character Death Trick- Prompts from Whumptober

Horror/Scary Trick- Prompts from Tolkien Horror Week

Unrequited Pining Trick- Prompts from Sunny's Mind 😆

[vivwritesfics]

Fire Is The Devil's Only Friend

Chapter Two

There was no such thing as making it on your own with a high profile boyfriend. That was why she kept her relationship a secret. But then after a PR fuck up, her boyfriend is forced into PR relationship and she's left on the side lines, missing him

1.1K

Series Masterlist

"Have you saved your work yet?"

Carlos knew better than anyone how hard she was working. Between writing her next book, using social media to market, and answering emails from her editor, she as flat out. He was incredibly worried about her.

She looked up at him for just a second before saving her work. The moment she did, Carlos pushed the lid of her laptop closed. "Carlos!" She cried. She went to open the laptop again, but Carlos pulled it from the table.

"One hour, mi amor. Give me on hour, and then I've give you your laptop back."

She thought on it. "You promise just an hour?"

"I promise," he said as he stepped towards her, the laptop against his chest. "We can go and get coffee together." He leaned down and pecked her lips.

She pouted as he pulled away. "You're too good to me."

"Because I just love you so much," he said and kissed her again.

***

The story of Carlos Sainz's relationship with Rebecca Donaldson broke in the early hours of the next morning. Neither of them were aware.

Carlos didn't check his phone when he woke up. He went on a run in the early hours of the morning and spent a few hours working out, like he did every day, all while she slept.

When he got back, she was still sleeping. Carlos made two coffees and brought them to the bedroom. Placing them down onto their bedside tables, Carlos leaned over and kissed his head. "Wake up, mi corazón," he said softly.

She stirred awake and glared at her husband. "It's so early," she groaned, pressing her face further into the pillow.

His laugh echoed around their bedroom. "It's not that early, my love. I got you coffee, drink up."

They had just a few hours together before she was having an online meeting with her publishers in her office and Carlos was meeting with the team at Ferrari.

He opened his laptop and logged into the call. He was rarely in a bad mood these days, the team at Ferrari noted. It was a surprise to all of them, especially after the story they had sold to the media that morning. "Carlos, I'm sure you've heard the news."

The smile dropped from Carlos's face, replaced by a frown. "What news?" He asked. He hadn't yet been on any social media, had seen none of the news articles flash up on his phone.

"We made a decision here at Maranello, one we felt would benefit the entire team," somebody else said. "After some recent events, all of which were out of our control, we thought it best to give the media something more digestible. To do so, it was leaked to the press that you were potentially romantically linked to Rebecca Donaldson, the Scottish Model."

All expression dropped from Carlos's face. He turned on his phone and, for the first time, saw the news. The news about him.

The photo of himself with Rebecca Donaldson wasn't obviously photoshopped, but there was no other explanation. There he was, in a picture with a woman he had never met.

"See, the things is, Carlos, what else are we supposed to do? Do you want Ferrari to crumble?"

No, obviously he didn't want that. "But what about the relationships of mine this does affect?" He asked quickly, pulling open his desk drawer and pulling out the ring box. He didn't display it on camera, fiddled with it in his lap. "What if I was in a relationship and I hadn't yet told anyone?"

"You don't want to lose your seat, do you?" It was a dirty ploy, but the Ferrari team was desperate. "You're almost thirty, you have a limited number of wins under your belt and no championships. Will any other team want you?"

Carlos's heart pounded in his chest. "So, I have to go on with this fake relationship and I'll get to keep my seat?"

"Exactly."

He sucked in a deep breath. Just a wall separated him from the love of his life, but here he was, ready to betray her. All for his seat. "What will I have to do?"

The rest of the meeting was spent with the Ferrari team telling Carlos exactly what they wanted from him. Be seen with her at races, have her in the Ferrari garage, take her to dinner sometimes. It was easy enough.

But it wasn't. Because the woman he loved was going to be at the races too, just not with him, not in the way they wanted Rebecca to be with him.

It was too late for him to back out. The press had released several stories about Carlos and Rebecca already.

The call ended, but he just stayed there, sitting in his chair. He flipped open the ring box several times, playing with it in his hands. The ring was gorgeous, simple, elegant. But now, Carlos doubted he'd ever get to put it on her finger.

At the knock on his office door, Carlos shoved the ring back into his desk drawer. "Carlos?" She called as she entered his office. He looked to the door as she walked in. Her shoes clicked softly against the tiled floor as she walked to his desk and sat herself on his lap. "I've got news about the release. It's launching next week."

"I'll be the first to buy it," he said, his hands on her hips.

Just hours ago, this would have been welcome news. The release of her book meant they were one step closer with telling the world about their relationship. But all of that had been thrown out of the window now, and she had no idea.

"I can't wait to kiss you after a race," she said, her head against his shoulder. "I can't wait to be seen with you."

Carlos said nothing. He kissed her head and held her close, relishing in these moments they had together. There was no telling how many more there would be once she found out.

Maybe he could propose to her now. Drop down onto one knee, put the ring onto her finger and kiss her until she forgot how to breathe. But then it would hurt so much more when she found out.

And he couldn't do that to her.

Permanent Taglist (CLOSED): @biancathecool @rewmuslupin @prettiest-at-the-party @hellowgoodbye @minkyungseokie @formulaal @hiireadstuff @urfavnoirette @goldenharrysworld @andydrysdalerogers @hrts4scarr @llando4norris @evlkking @lilymurphy03 @hollie911 @customsbyjcg-blog @honethatty12 @nikfigueiredo @darleneslane

Taglist: @juleswrites223 @ellesssssxzxz @itsjustkhaos @booksandflowrs @landossainz @laneyspaulding19 @sleepybrokenmelle @92spcy @khaylin27 @princessria127 @aexitizen-ln4

[vvluvmai]

𝑭𝑺𝑴 ✩ 𝑰𝑵𝑨𝑹𝑻𝑰𝑪𝑼𝑳𝑨𝑻𝑬

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ(adj.) incapable of expressing oneself clearly through speech

warn. Fem reader, ooc kaiser?, Tiny spoilers, mentions of alcohol, drunk kaiser, nicknames (mein singvogel [my songbird], princess, bastard), not exactly proofread, angst w/ comfort, part ii INARTICULATE

sum. With the stress and frustration from losing to mr. Blue Lock, from the humility of being called a clown of his story, and bottling up his emotions into a tiny bottle since the start of his career, he finally let it burst behind the doors of your shared bedroom, in which he thought you were gone.

char. Micheal Kaiser

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ ☔︎⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

A nervous figure sat on the couch, accompanied by slow jazz playing in the background with a calming rain lending comfort to the anxious and paranoid figure, who did anything to distract herself from the pang in her chest, the rising pace of her heartbeat. You who scrolled through any media your eyes can take, you who ignored your jittery legs, who tried to ignore the thoughts clouding your mind were now growing exponentially anxious.

The clicking clock neither help in your comfort, only making you more nervous – nothing had helped in your case, drinking, taking long breaths in&out, working, writing, none helped your beating heart, the absence of your teasing and loving boyfriend worsened it. Oh where could your prince be at such a time like this?

He hasn't texted or called you of his whereabouts since his game, which resulted in a loss for bastard munchen, ended. Finally having enough of it, you opened your phone once again, instead of scrolling mindlessly, you opened the phone call app, searching through the many saved contacts of loved ones and friends and clicking on the one you were after, probably, the most trusted friend of your boyfriend, Alexis Ness.

Within a few seconds he picked up, your tone was shaky as you spoke, trying to calm it and speak normally. You knew what Kaiser does to himself when a defeat was upon him, and now the passing hours of his absence, you don't know if he ended up drunk at a bar, or beating himself up at some alleyway "hi, ness?" "Ah y/n, why must you've called so late at night? It's nearly 10:30 pm." "I- uh apologise if I had uh awakened you from y-your sleep but have you seen kaiser anywhere? His whereabouts, is he training late or is he at your or your teammate's house?" Before you bombard his ear with your ongoing rambling of his friend's whereabouts, he asked a question you most dreaded. "Wait, he's not at your house? He told me he would be going to your house as soon as our match ended." "A-ah.. no, well I better get going now, sleep well ness. Don't overwork yourself too much Kay?" "h-hey wai-" you cut the phone without a second thought, leaving it on the coffee table. Taking your car keys you made your way to the locked front door but coming to an abrupt stop as you heard keys rattling and the door's lock unlocking. With the only person who has the keys to the shared penthouse was Kaiser, your thoughts ran berserk, 'oh dear, has someone murdered Kaiser and stolen his keys?', you thought. Positioning your keys in such a way it can injure a person. Stepping back as the door opened revealed a drenched in rain, drunk and cheek stained with defeated tears man, it was him who stood before you, the narcissistic, princely, asshole and bastard munchen's greatest, Micheal Kaiser, who now stood as a broken man.

Your keys fell to the ground, rushing to his side having no care of his drenched clothes staining yours and locking the door behind you. "Oh darling, what have you done to yourself.." your caring and comforting voice filled his ears, a small faint smile forming at the hearing of it. "Will you have the comfort of knowing the doings of mine?" You scrunch your nose at the smell of alcohol reeking from his mouth, sitting him down on the couch leaving behind the trail of water you have to clean up, you left to retrieve water for him but stopped at the feeling of a tug at your shirt. You looked back, Kaiser raising his head to face you, new crystal tears "don't leave me here all alone." His mouth quivering, it broke you, so, so bad. You failed to lend him the comfort he needed, you failed to notice how much he needed you. Leaving him to fulfil your own duties and work, rubbing off his needy behaviour, unable to see the chagrined face behind his smiling and whiny voice. The past three weeks were tiring and ridden you both of life, sleeping through even when Kaiser woke up from reoccurring nightmares, unable to brave through no matter how often it happens. "Alright, I won't go, I won't go. I will be beside you, every moment of it, I will never leave you, even after death" you reassured calmly, moments away from crying with him. He pulled you into a tight hug, sobbing quietly, choking on his tears every now and then, barely able to speak of his emotions through speech. You silently patted his head, combing his hair with your fingers. You didn't even care about the wet spots on your shirt, some with spit and some with tears. He needed this, never had he had this comfort in his life. "I'm s-sorry-" "for what?" You spoke gently, he looked at you with wide teary eyes. "Micheal, you are an amazing boyfriend, everything I could ask for. Everyone has their moments of failure and such, those are unable to face it, fall, week. And those are, rise, strong and you are one of the strongest man I have ever met, physically and emotionally. You faced everything alone, I want to accompany you, in your struggles and mote. Will l you let me face your struggles together like you do with me?" "God, why do you love such an asshole like me, you should just leave like they said.." he spoke despondently, wiping away his tears aggressively "who told you you were an asshole? I don't care what they say, I don't care what the media says, I don't care what anyone says, I will never leave you, no matter. You are worth everything in this world, the things you do for me are thoughtful and always held with good intention, everytime you buy me a gift, it has a meaning behind it, and I wish I had the money to buy you something back, fuck if I was rich I would give you the entire world if I could." He hid his face in the crook of your neck, wrapping his arms around you, more gently and less tightly. His brows furrowed, the thoughts, the nightmare in his mind were leaving the more you spoke. Other than ness, no one had ever thought of him so lovingly this much. A smile was slowly plastered to his face, it stayed hidden.

"I.. I love you so much.. Thank you for staying beside me.., even when I'm being hard sometimes, you still deal with me. Thank you for bringing me comfort, mein singvogel. I never felt so.. happy. Thank you" he spoke quietly, he felt small but secure. Your soft voice spoke yet again "there's no need to thank me, kai, now let's get you cleaned up shall we?" "Will you join?" He spoke slyly, revealing his tiny sly smile, you chuckled joyfully "even after all this, you managed to be such a sly lil shit, that's what I love the most about you" without a second, you cupped his face kissing him fervently. His wife eyes now glued shut, pushing you, hugging you into a kiss. You both broke apart, "stop looking at my lips and look at my eyes you bastard" you giggled "just let me have this moment princess" you huffed out a falsely annoyed 'fine', softly pinching his cheeks "ow, stop thattt your hurting mee" he whined, it was moments like this you cherished most, it felt most lively, most wholesome and most loving. "C'mon now, let's get you to bath" "only if you join" he retorted back "alright fine, now c'mon, get going" with ecstasy, he followed, like a lost but happy puppy, thinking of a stranger as it's new mother.

𝑡𝑟𝑎𝑛𝑠𝑙𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 —

mein singvogel - my songbird

copyright © @vvluvmai

Fufufu I finished this within the day, kaiser is such a silly man sometimes

Tags: @kaiserkisser

[crescenthoax]

a nightmare before Christmas • pt2

🎄or an Annika, Floris, Willa and Targtowers Christmas tale🌟

Part One

Part two

Part three

Summary: Aemond, Daeron, Aegon and Helaena had different things planned for Christmas, but one same fate: their father’s old cabin.

Basically an i’m never gonna love again christmas modern AU because we need to spread some joy on these times and I wanted to write something fun. Mainly centred around Aegon x Female OC.

Part 2/3. Part 3.

🧣⋆.ೃ࿔*:･⍣ ೋ *ੈ🎄‧₊˚ . *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ೃ࿐���

“I can't believe you convinced me to do this,” says Aegon, shaking his head. “I don't need no game nor excuse to get wasted.”

“Oh, come on. We’re all going to play,” Helaena tells him, amused. “Even Aemond.”

It translates easily to: ‘You can't be more boring than him.’

It’s not that Aemond is the boring type, in fact, he's just so reserved and responsible that he's gotten used to having fun in other ways. But everyone has seen him drink whiskey as easily as soda and smile as if he had two hooks on his face and scarlet–flushed cheeks while dancing during Annika's New Year's party on the yacht in 2019.

Everyone sits in a circle around the coffee table in the huge living room. Logan stirs some logs in the fireplace, trying to revive the flames before sitting down between Helaena and Annika on the couch. Aegon is sprawled on one of the individual and comfy, green velveteen chairs, just like Aemond on the other, and Floris sits with Willa and Daeron on the other couch.

“So, does everyone know how this works?” Annika asks, finishing pouring herself a glass of white wine. On the table, there is an exaggerated amount of drinks to choose from. “Someone says something, and if you've done it, you drink. If you haven't, you don't. It's simple.”

“Never have I ever explained a game we all know just to seem smart,” Aegon laughs. “And now you drink.”

She sighs and takes a sip of wine after flipping him off. So much for the ‘truce.’

“Logan, why don't you start? That way, we can get to know you better,” Annika insists.

He feels a bit pressured with the number of new and curious looks around him, but he seems to handle it wonderfully. “Hmm. Never have I ever... been to a party I wasn't invited to.”

“Easy!” Aegon singsongs and drinks from his beer. Daeron, Logan himself, Annika, and Helaena follow suit. Surprisingly to everyone, Floris also drinks, drawing attention. “Are you kidding me?”

“Why do you sound surprised?” She shakes her head, pretending to be offended. “Never have I ever gone skinny dipping.”

“I love the new Floris,” Aegon mocks, drinking. “Singleness agrees with you.”

Everyone drinks this time, except for Annika and Daeron, and she gets some skeptical looks. She puts her feet up on the couch to get more comfortable, her black ballet flats shining even brighter than the Christmas tree. “What? I find it unhygienic.”

“Never have I ever creeped an ex on social media,” Willa dares to say this time. Helaena and she are the only ones who don't drink, and Floris joins them while she shifts uncomfortably, seeing that Aemond does drink.

Aegon sees the opportunity to create a tense moment and seizes it. “Never have I ever lost my virginity to someone in this group.”

“Are you serious?” Helaena sighs.

“Very.”

The only ones who drink are the broken–up couple and the one that sticks together like peaches and cream. Willa takes a long gulp of her fruit cocktail, probably trying to shake off the embarrassment. She has not yet understood that no one really cares.

“Never have I ever had a crush on my siblings’s friends or on my friends's siblings,” Aemond says, accusingly looking at Aegon.

“All hail Cassandra Baratheon,” Annika murmurs before drinking. Daeron and Logan follow her, and so does Aegon, without any problem. Helaena turns her head trying to make sense of the situation, but Annika quickly adds, “Never have I ever been with someone of the same sex.”

She drinks. It doesn't surprise anyone that Aegon also drinks. It surprises everyone that Floris does.

“What!?” Helaena demands, laughing. “When!?”

“Never have I ever had a threesome,” Aemond basically answers for her. Annika chokes on the water she's drinking, and Aegon bursts into laughter when he sees the ex-couple drink, along with Logan and himself.

“Well, I don't have to know everything,” Daeron complains, wrinkling his nose in disgust. He usually is the one who always lags behind when it comes to knowledge about his brothers's lives, and to be honest, sometimes he feels it's better that way.

“Never have I ever broken the law,” Willa says. It's not surprising that everyone drinks this time, except her and Logan. Rich people thing, apparently.

“Never have I ever gotten a piercing,” Logan offers.

Helaena is the only one who drinks, her navel and ears heavily jewelled. And then, Aegon looks at Annika and shakes his head.

“I can't believe it. After all this time, and you still are a fucking cheater,” he addresses her.

“Excuse me?” She chuckles, feigning ignorance.

“You just lied.”

“But she has no piercings,” Floris defends her. Annika tightens the glass in her right hand and shifts uncomfortably on the couch.

“She has her right nipple pierced!” Aegon growls.

“Aegon!” Annika shouts, annoyed. “That's not something yours to share.”

“God, you always do the same thing and cheat on this stupid game. Why did you want to play if you're not going to expose yourself?”

“I don’t need them to know what I have pierced and what I don't. It's not about that,” she grumbles, crossing her arms.

Daeron furrows his brow. “How do you know she has a nipple piercing?”

“And when did you pierce your nipple?” Helaena asks, confused.

Annika bites her lip for a moment, suddenly too aware of the piercing that now seems to be warming up, the sensitive, raw skin against her bra. She was supposed to get both nipples pierced, but she couldn't bear the pain, at least not sober. She would come back someday for the next one, of course.

Aegon had taken her to get it done when she visited him in San Francisco last spring. The last time they saw each other. He promised her it would feel good afterwards. It's not something she has experienced yet.

He notices what the memory does to her. Annika moves again, too uncomfortable under his accusing gaze.

“I saw her naked this afternoon. I found her in the shower when we arrived. It was accidental,” Aegon explains casually. Annika's cheeks flush, yet she's grateful that Aegon thought so quickly to cover his tracks.

Now, that’s kind of a lie.

He had seen her naked since Annika's 20th birthday. She spent some time at the Targaryens’s house in London during lockdown, and there came a moment when they were so bored that one night, after swimming and drinking by the indoor pool, she came out dripping from a dive and went into the changing rooms to dry off. He followed her and didn't say anything; he was so bored that he held her against the wall and ate her out until she cried. He always had a thing for her and knew she was as bored and lonely. That night, she sneaked into his room, and he fucked her until she begged him to stop. Earlier, she had told him not to stop when she asked, so they fucked until he passed, and she had trouble walking the next day.

She had never felt such connection with someone before. They got along so well inside the bedroom that it was almost addictive. When they were alone, they got along even better than they did when they were with the others. And it made sense. It made all the sense in the world for them, but not necessarily for the world.

So when they wanted to have fun, without explanations, they flew to see each other. Or they met in places where they couldn't be found, like the time he fingered her at the Eiffel Tower on a random Thursday night in March.

And no one ever suspected. Until...

“I can't believe you said that,” Annika clicks her tongue. “Okay, if that's how you want to play. Never have I ever used Aemond's toothbrush.”

“You did what?” Aemond grumbles, turning to his brother with unease. “Dude. What the actual fuck?”

“Well, thank you very much, you witch,” Aegon rolls his eyes and takes a sip of his beer. Then he smiles at the blonde sitting across from him and extends his can to her. “Never have I ever used Annika's toothbrush," he says, finishing the can with pride.

“God, you're such a pig!”

“Now I understand why Aegon's room is always a suite,” Daeron mocks, putting an arm around Willa's shoulders and leaning back on the sofa, pulling his girlfriend towards him. “You never used my toothbrush, right?”

“I once used dad's toothbrush to brush Sunfyre's teeth,” Helaena adds, tipsy as she could be. Everyone looks at her strangely, and they burst into laughter instantly. “I was really mad at him.”

“Why?” Willa laughs.

“I really don't remember. It must have been important for me to decide to brush Aegon's dog's teeth with his toothbrush,” she shrugs. Logan looks at her amused and shakes his head.

“It's such a Helaena thing to do,” Floris adds. “Remember the time Annika released Helaena’s spiders in the classroom and told Cressida they were poisonous?”

“Why would you do that?” Willa asks.

“Because I hated that bitch,” she replies simply. “She was sort of like my nemesis. She hated me too.”

“I fucked with her,” Aegon adds, “in her cabin when we went to that horrible camp with our school, during lunchtime.”

Floris grimaces in disgust. “But she was in our cabin.”

“I know. She insisted on doing it on Annika's bed,” he laughs, and her jaw drops. “She got back at you; you have to give her that.”

“And you participated in that?!” She screams. “Aegon, I can't believe you!”

“Oh, don't be so pristine. It was over the sheets. And hey, we could have put your toothbrush in the toilet of public bathrooms, but we didn't,” he replies.

“Okay. Never have I ever done it in someone else's bed,” Logan intervenes, somewhat familiar with the dynamics of distracting Annika and Aegon from tearing each other apart like wild dogs.

Everyone drinks, except Annika. “As I said, it's unhygienic.”

“What do you not find unhygienic?” Daeron teases her. “Okay, I want to know this, and I think it's the moment. Never have I ever been with a teacher.”

“You're still on that? I already told you I didn’t!” Aegon leans in to push his younger brother's arm playfully.

“You were sober when I asked you! I thought you were lying for my sake,” Daeron defends himself, laughter vibrating through the walls. “I had heard the rumours.”

And everyone's laughter accompanies his, except Aemond and Floris, who remain in a creeping silence, looking at each other.

“I mean, it's something he would do,” Helaena shrugs.

“No, I had heard that...-“ He stops speaking, the smile on his face turning from confusion to more confusion than grace when he looks at Aemond in deafening silence, just like Floris by his side. When everyone notices it, the atmosphere seems to dissipate. “I had heard that... Hum, one of my brothers... That...”

Helaena and Annika look at each other. Then Annika looks at Aegon, who keeps his mouth in an ‘O’ shape and remains motionless, trying not to add more fuel to the fire.

“C’mon,” Floris speaks for the first time. She and Aemond exchange glances, and the coffee table is not the only thing separating them because it feels like there are miles between them. Floris's voice is cold, just like her eyes. Annika knows her well enough to know that she's drunk. “Rules are rules. If you've done it, you drink.”

“I don't understand,” Logan murmurs, a bit lost.

“No? Well, let me try again. Never have I ever found my boyfriend fucking one of our high school teachers in my own bed, only to find out they had been screwing behind my back since we were in high school.”

Floris finishes her glass of red wine in three long gulps. Helaena stays silent, her hand resting on her mouth to hide the surprise. Logan and Willa shrink in their places, while Daeron scratches his head uncomfortably, and Annika bites her inside cheek.

Aegon takes a small sip of his drink with a loud noise. “Aemond… This is fucked up. Really, really bad. The kind of thing I would do.”

Floris leaves the empty glass on the table with so much accidental force that it breaks. Helaena startles, and Floris stands up, swaying. “This has been fun. Have a good time.”

She walks away without even looking back at Aemond, leaving everyone too bewildered to react quickly. He sighs, leaves his drink on the table, and tries to stand up.

“Floris, wait...”

“Haven't you done enough?” Annika spits venom, getting up and pushing him back into his seat. No one understands if Aemond doesn't resist her push or if she really used brute strength. Through gritted teeth, she points at him with her index finger. “No. Don’t you even dare.”

It's she who takes light steps and disappears upstairs, following Floris. Aemond shifts uncomfortably.

“I wouldn't do it if I were you,” Aegon warns.

“Man. What the hell?” Daeron sighs, running his hands over his face. “How long has this been going on?”

"I don't know. It happened a couple of times in our graduation year, and then we met each other last year, and... I don't know. It's been...”

“Aemond, right now, no one has a worse opinion of you than I do,” Helaena tells him, placing a hand over her heart. “Who did you screw?”

He puts his hand on the bridge of his nose. “Mrs. Rivers.”

“The health teacher? Seriously?” Aegon jokes.

“And you didn't think, I don't know, to break up with your long term girlfriend before doing it? Or after?” Logan intervenes. Aemond looks at him seriously.

“Who the hell do you think you are?”

“Hey,” Helaena tells him. “He's a friend.”

“He's not my friend,” Aemond hisses. “He's just a stranger who came to our door like a lost puppy.”

Aemond stands up and disappears, not up the stairs but towards the dining room, and Aegon is almost sure he hears him heading to the yard. Surely to smoke a cigarette secretly from all of them because God forbid he lets his friends and family know that he also feels and makes mistakes and drinks and smokes and is not the perfect child everyone thinks.

“Hm, Willa, do you want to eat something? Would you help me clean this up?” Helaena offers to the girl who looks terribly uncomfortable. At the same time, she signals Aegon to check on Aemond.

Aegon shakes his head, and Helaena stiffens her face. She has a look that's too demanding sometimes that reminds him of his mother's, and it gives him chills. It makes him get up from the couch and hit Daeron's shoulder to follow him to the yard.

He obeys, a bit confused. “Where are we going?”

“To see if Aemond is okay.”

“Of course he's okay. He's Aemond. And if we had to be checking if someone is okay, it should be Floris,” he says.

Aegon stops him in his tracks and grabs his shoulders. He looks at his brother, although he's taller than him, he still needs to learn a thing or two. He understands that the age difference between them is enough, but he also understands that Daeron is no longer a child.

“You're a man now, and that means you must learn something about this family. It's a twisted family of fucked–ups, and we screw up every day. I've messed up. Helaena has messed up. Mom and Dad specially, blah, blah. It happens, it's like it's encoded in our DNA. Aemond screws up too, and I'm sure you'll do it someday too. Not necessarily with Willa, it just will happen. And no one understands the feeling better than us,” Aegon explains. “This is what being part of this family is about. And we have an unspoken agreement; no matter what it is, we get through it. We don’t judge. Aemond is our brother, so we are not gonna judge him even though he deserves it.”

“Alright. I understand,” Daeron says and follows his older brother. As they suspected, Aemond is smoking, to the youngest’s impression. “I feel like I don't know you.”

“You don't,” Aemond mutters.

“Are you okay?” Daeron asks, resisting the urge to punch him or roll his eyes. “Why didn't you tell us what happened?”

“Yeah, like I would judge you for it,” Aegon laughs. “I hooked up with mom's pilates instructor while dating Alysanne.”

“Oh my God. I'm not like you, Aegon.”

“Realization sucks, right? It's tough. We've all been there. Fortunately for you, I'm the worst of us,” Aegon laughs. The two youngest ones remain silent, and the sound of crickets is the only thing heard for a moment. “Screw you both. You could try telling me otherwise.”

“Well...” Daeron hisses.

“Fuck you, seriously” Aegon flips them off. “Back to the important stuff. What happened with Floris?”

Aemond gets lost staring at a fixed point on the snow-covered ground, as if he's recalling all the events that led him to do what he did. But he can't. “I don't know,” he confesses sincerely. “I don't...”

“Do you love her?” Daeron asks.

“How could I not love her? She's been with me all my life. And I've been with her all her life. Since we were kids. School, my accident, high school. Birthdays, funerals, parties. She's always been there. We've always been me and her. Just like Helaena and Annika. Or Aegon and… Alcohol.”

“Oh, no. You’re making jokes now?” Daeron panics, and Aegon chuckles. “That doesn't mean you love her. It means you're used to her. And Floris doesn't deserve that. Neither do you.”

“I know she doesn't. She deserves something better,” Aemond says. “And I really care about her, and it hurts to have lost her, and it hurts to think about a life without her.”

Aegon rolls his eyes. “She'll always be there. You know, Helaena will never let go of those two girls. They've always been a pain in the ass for us and always will be. That's the fun part of being us.”

Aegon knows they would always be with them because their friendship with Helaena was not going to end. He knows Annika and Helaena would always be friends. But Aegon and Annika wouldn't always be together.

“I guess you're right.”

“Why didn't you invite me to come here with you?” Daeron asks suddenly. “I could have... I don't know. I understand you didn't want to spend Christmas at home, but I didn't think you wouldn't want to spend it with me.”

“Hey, you didn't want to spend it with us either. Otherwise, why did you come here with just your girlfriend?” Aegon questions. “We thought you'd get bored, and honestly... You are still not old enough to enter the casino or drink excessively.”

Daeron rolls his eyes. “You think I don't have a fake ID? I could have come with you.”

“And if you had come, we probably would have avoided this nightmare before Christmas situation,” Aemond says, scratching his good eye. “I don't know, I guess it’s hard for us to think you’re not longer a kid.”

“Sometimes it hurts being left out all the time, you know?”

“Welcome to being a Targaryen in the real world,” Aegon says, patting his shoulder. “You're officially invited to our Christmas getaway in 2024. And this time, it will be just the three of us.”

“No, I think I'll go home for Christmas next year,” Aemond shakes his head. “It's a pain in the ass, but not as much as being here in this situation.”

“I shouldn't have asked about the teacher thing,” Daeron laments.

“You had no idea. I didn't even know either,” Aegon sighs. “Did she tell the girls? Helaena seemed surprised. And I don't think Annika knew either.”

Aemond shrugs. “When it happened, she packed her things and didn't say a word to me. We know Floris; she's quiet, reserved, and she won't show what she doesn’t want you to find out. She wouldn't go with Helaena to tell her that her brother is a liar and a cheater, and she wouldn't tell Annika because she's also my friend. Was. Whatever.”

“I don't think she'll stop talking to you; she'll just give you a hard time. You know Annika,” Daeron reassures. “By the way, is it true about the piercing?”

Aegon smirks. “It's true.”

“Did you see it?” Daeron asks, with a grin.

Aemond smacks him on the back of the head. “Have some respect.”

“Oh, I saw it,” and other things. Daeron wants to ask what he has always wanted to ask, but he bites his tongue, remembering the situation that unfolded because of his questions. Aegon notices and appreciates it. “Well, the party is obviously over. We should eat something and go to bed. If we're lucky, the storm won't be so bad, and you can leave tomorrow.”

“Oh, yeah,” Daeron says, suddenly a bit dejected. He actually wants to stay. “Right. That sounds good.”

🧣⋆.ೃ࿔*:･⍣ ೋ *ੈ🎄‧₊˚ . *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ೃ࿐🌟

Annika and Floris made no appearance while the rest had dinner watching a horror movie. The girl went downstairs for some food for Floris and then apologized to Willa and Logan for their absence, going back upstairs with her friend immediately.

Aegon drank more beer with dinner, and as soon as they finished eating, Aemond tried to wash some dishes, then went to his room alone without saying a word. Daeron had looked at Logan and Helaena, who were talking and laughing as if nothing had happened, with a strange expression and asked, “Where do you plan on sleeping?”

Helaena pinched his cheek as if he were a little kid. “You are adorable.”

It was her kind way of telling him to fuck off.

And although Daeron invited Willa to swim in the indoor pool, she claimed she wanted to go to bed, too tired to even breathe. If he had to be honest, all the drama had exhausted him too. So, the gang was reduced to Aegon, Helaena, and Logan. Aegon couldn't stand to third wheel with her little sister and a guy who dresses like some dude out of a Netflix Christmas rom–com , so he grabbed some beers and went up to his room with plans to drink until he passed out.

It doesn't happen.

He grunts and gets out of bed, exhausted from trying to sleep. The drunkenness already is part of his natural mental state.

The only lights on the house are the Christmas tree lights tinkling at a strange pace, and besides the muffled music echoing from the pool and the occasional laughter from Helaena, the only thing that can be heard is the squeaking wind. He makes his way to the kitchen feeling utterly cold; the heating in his room was so high that the change is brutal. He's not going to bother looking for the heating controls at this hour, and the fire in the living room fireplace has almost died down.

The refrigerator light beams on Annika's figure. She's sitting on the counter, with a glass of water, a pack of cigarettes, and staring at her dimly lit phone screen. She's wearing a black and pink satin pyjama set, tank top and shorts, and a somewhat warm robe, but she looks frozen. Her hair is wet.

“Late-night swim?” Aegon asks, startling her. “That brings back memories.”

Annika clicks her tongue. “No, I had to shower. Needed to get Floris's vomit off me.”

“Yikes,” he sticks out his tongue. “How's she doing?”

“Well... She... It's going to be tough.”

"You didn't know about…?”

She shakes her head, putting her phone aside. “No. She came to our flat one day with suitcases and teary eyes, and there was no need for her to say anything. We assumed that, well, she would tell us in her own time. She just said they wouldn't be coming back together, not like other times, and we figured it must be serious because she flew from Boston to New York,” she explains. “Did you know?”

“No, of course not,” he shakes his head. “Hey, don't give Aemond a hard time.”

“I couldn't care less about Aemond.”

“Did she fall asleep?”

“Passed out from crying too much, rather. I can't believe he did this to her. I mean... Ugh. It's something we might have expected from you, certainly not from him.”

“Oh, well,” he shrugs as he takes a seat on the bureau next to her. “I know my limitations, believe it or not. For starters, I would never be in such a closed relationship for so many years. They were in a cage, both of them.”

Annika rolls her eyes. “Can you believe they had a threesome?”

“I know, right?” Aegon laughs, and she joins in. “The kind of stuff I'd expect from you. Trying to revive a relationship that's clearly dead by adding a third party.”

She laughs. “Sounds like something I would do. You know how much I tend to cling to things even when the odds aren't in my favour.”

Aegon sighs. “So...”

“So...?”

“Can I see it?” Aegon suddenly asks, and Annika looks at him confused. “Your piercing.”

“I thought you said you saw it in the shower,” she says, placing the glass of water on the marble table. It makes a noise that feels louder than it actually is, and she squirms uncomfortably at the thought that someone might have heard it and finds them there, alone, together.

For someone who claims to be a loner, Aegon has a constant need for attention and contact, especially if it's from Annika. It's nothing new; he used to pull her braids when they were kids to attract her attention. Now he begs her to let him see her boobs. Normal.

He smiles. “I didn't. Everything was full of steam and foggy.”

“But you saw it. You were there when I got it done,” Annika reminds him, embarrassed. “You gave me the little piece of chocolate when my blood pressure dropped. You put a can of Coke on the back of my neck and helped me button my blouse.”

“First of all, it was Dr. Pepper. And second, it doesn't count because I didn't see it properly. And you left before we could do anything...” He shrugs. Annika squints her eyes. “I want to see it. Please.”

“You exposed me in front of everyone and almost got us caught. Why would I show it to you?”

“Because you're good at giving me what I want,” he says, devilishly smiling as he leans toward her.

“And what about what I want, huh? Not everyone can have what they want. I want a unicorn, for example.”

“I'll buy you a horse and pay to have a surgical pink horn put on it. Damn, I'd pay to have wings attached and teach it to fly if you want a freaking rainbow pegasus,” he roars, his voice deep.

Annika laughs and lowers the strap of her satin pajamas so Aegon can see. Not sure why she does it, but Annika loves to give him what he begs for. He doesn't ask for permission to stroke the side of her breast with his thumb, right at the curve. He moves her wet hair back and sighs as he feels the goosebumps on her skin.

“I like it. Although sometimes I catch it with the towel, and it's a little annoying,” she tries to ignore the fact that he's touching her after months and that when he touches her, her skin turns scarlet, just like everything around her. She looks up to find his gaze. “You were right, anyway.”

Annika never knew how, but it was he who had convinced her to get them because she was so sensitive in that area. Maybe she just wanted to please him, or maybe he knew that Aegon, even if he didn't admit it, knew her very well. He always knew better when it came to her.

“Have you tried it?” He asks.

“No, not really. I'm afraid it might still get infected. Besides...” She paraphrases, and Aegon lightly strokes the surface of her skin with his fingers. Another shiver runs through her, and she falls silent. “We shouldn't.”

“It's Christmas Eve. We're both alone...” He suggests, brushing the tip of his nose against hers. “I know you don't like being alone on holidays. You always have someone to warm your bed. And your options here are quite limited.”

“You're alone because you want to be alone,” Annika tells him, letting out a sigh. “I might have left, Aegon, but you let me go.”

“And you never tried hard enough either,” Aegon retorts. He pushes her swiftly, standing up and cornering her against the kitchen counter, slipping between her legs hanging from the high stool and placing his arms on the counter on either side of her body. Their breaths mix. “Please, let me do it.”

“I mourned you, Aegon,” Annika reminds him. “It hurt, what you did. How you laughed when that woman at the store mistook us for a couple. How you looked me in the eyes and said that what we had was all in my head. It was humiliating. That's why I left, because you hurt me. And after all that, you blame me for not reaching out for you? How can you say that?”

“I would have hurt you worse if you hadn't left, and you know it,” he says. He doesn't ask for permission either when he delicately strokes the tip of the jewelled nipple with care, and Annika hisses, hypersensitive as ever, melting in his hands. He smiles. “There it is. That’s my sweet girl. My favourite girl.”

She doesn't say anything and covers her mouth when he leans and catches her nipple between his teeth carefully. He knows how she likes it best, and the taste of the soft flesh mixed with the metallic aftertaste it’s exceedingly erotic. It's so intense that she has to close her legs together immediately as she feels that tingling sensation, although his body doesn't allow it. The way she feels stimulated inside and out is almost unbearable, and she unconsciously puts her hand through her shorts because she knows Aegon will spend a while playing with her before even doing anything.

When she tries to ease that discomfort, Aegon grabs her wrist and removes her hand from her shorts. She shivers when she loses contact, but he brings her fingers to his mouth to suck them clean, and Annika breathes heavily.

“Please,” she implores, grabbing him by the neck. He knows she's not asking him to fuck her exactly; she's asking for more. She tiptoes, grabs his cheeks, and tries to make him look into her eyes. “Aegon, please.”

He grunts with difficulty. He shoves his hand inside her shorts, pulls her underwear to a side and, without warning, shoves two fingers in; she's so wet that it offers no resistance.

“Isn't this enough?” He asks, moving the way he knows she likes. Annika opens her mouth and moans against his lips, and through the refrigerator light, he sees her wet eyes and a tear sliding down her cheek. “Why isn't this enough, huh?”

Why am I not enough for you? If I were, maybe we could be.

“I want...”

“No,” he hisses to silence her and prevent her from finishing that sentence. “You want to come on my fingers, that's all. You want my body. And I want yours. That's it.”

No, it's not.

She shakes her head. He doesn't stop, feeling Annika's heart beating against his own chest and how she tightens around his fingers as she struggles to stay still and not make any loud noises.

“I want you,” she tells him, quickly and muffled in a moan, against his lips when she orgasms. Aegon kisses her and swallows the pathetic declaration she utters, holding her with the other hand to feel her close before she goes away forever, but she seems to read his mind. “It's me, Aegon. Me. I'm not going to leave, and I want you. And I want everything from you.”

He wishes he could say yes to her, but he doesn't. He can't do that to Helaena, no matter how much he desires the same. He has to sort out his life first. He's not going to stop drinking. He can't see himself working in his father's company, marrying her, having children. He can't see himself disappointing her over and over when he turns out not to be what she wants.

She wasn't raised for the conventional either. She also has an intense fear of abandonment that would make her do anything for him to stay. This ends in two ways; either she leaves when she realizes she made a mistake and hates herself for letting herself be hurt by him, or she becomes an unknown version that assembles and disassembles for his entertainment.

In both scenarios, he loses her. Physically and emotionally. Two sides of the same coin.

Aemond couldn't stand a relationship of so many years and cheated on Floris. Aemond. The perfect son, Aemond. The perfect boyfriend, Aemond. The gentleman who would propose as soon as he graduated from college, buy an apartment, provide for his family, and have Alicent's first grandchildren...

“Say something,” Annika begs him, pulling him out of the thoughts that have fallen one after the other like a row of dominoes. She clings to him while with the other hand she runs it over his bare torso. He hasn't realized that he no longer feels cold. “Aegon. Anything. Anything, please.”

He can't.

“This is who I am. This is what I can offer you.”

“I'm not a child anymore. I don't want to fly to another country to see each other in secret and act like a couple for two weeks just for you to discard me like trash and go fuck someone else when you’re bored of me.”

He’s never bored of her, though. He just drinks her away. Smokes her away. Fucks her away.

And he knows it's been enough when she sobs.

He puts his hands over hers and separates her from his body. Now he feels the cold of Aspen again. If there was mistletoe above their heads, it's most likely withered. He gives her a kiss on the forehead and wipes away the tears falling down her cheeks.

“I'll leave my door open,” he warns her as he walks toward his room without looking back. But he knows it's useless; Annika won't come.

He leaves her crying in the kitchen, silently, on Christmas Eve. Because that's the kind of person he is. Annika knows. She has always known. She has seen the girls crying in the kitchen before; this time is no different. She has seen the girlfriends he brought on family trips. How he runs them dry. How he breaks their souls.

But Aegon knows that Annika is not like them. He knows that Annika means much more than anyone else. And he knows he can't. He would feel like a bird trapped in a box. He would make her miserable...

He promised to her mother he wouldn’t.

And he knows she deserves something better.

“At least admit it,” she asks him, from the other end of the kitchen when he's about to cross the door. He doesn't turn to look at her. “At least admit that it was real.”

But he leaves nonetheless.

🧣⋆.ೃ࿔*:･⍣ ೋ *ੈ🎄‧₊˚ . *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ೃ࿐🌟

Freya died when Annika was fifteen, and Aegon seventeen. She had been diagnosed with one of those strange and lethal diseases a few months earlier. Aegon couldn't remember the name, but they had told him. He still doesn't know why to this day.

Perhaps because he was the eldest. Because Alicent had pushed him out first, a measly two years before Helaena, and two measly years before Freya gave birth to her daughter. Annika only found out about her mother's illness a month before she passed away. And when it started to get ugly, her parents sent her away. She couldn't be with her when she died, couldn't say goodbye, couldn't ever come to terms with it...

And she never found out that Aegon knew all along.

Alicent had always told him that he had to take care of his younger siblings and, by extension, Annika, who seemed more like a sister to Helaena than he ever was. Annika wiped Helaena’s tears and Annika fought Helaena’s bullies and even Aemond’s at times. Freya said that Annika could take care of herself, but she wouldn't object to having Aegon around. At times, Aegon might have felt that Freya was the only person who still saw him as the golden child and not as the boy who fucked up everything he touched. Freya would entrust Aegon with her most precious possession without a second thought.

But one day, on one of those days when she was pretending to be okay for her daughter's sake, she saw Aegon drinking his third glass of the evening and shook her head. She put a hand on his shoulder and sighed. “I'm not going to ask you to take care of her once I’m gone; it's not your responsibility. But it would hurt me a lot if you were the one who ends up hurting her.”

Two years later, he went off to college and said he wanted nothing to do with that damn debutante ball, but he made the damn mistake of attending anyway.

The rest is a story not fit for Christmas.

🧣⋆.ೃ࿔*:･⍣ ೋ *ੈ🎄‧₊˚ . *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ೃ࿐🌟

The holidays should be a time of love and peace, and yet, in the Targaryen Aspen retreat cabin, the only festive thing is the fact the atmosphere is as bitter as the mistletoe. Helaena, Logan, and Willa, the designated cooks and the only ones who seem to know how to use the stove and microwave, are the ones preparing breakfast. Floris sits on the windowsill, watching as the snow falls heavily and sticking to the ground outside. The noise of the television and the crackling fire is all that can be heard.

Aemond and Daeron play a game of express chess after setting things on the coffee table for breakfast. Aegon watches them while smoking a cigarette inside, much to Helaena's dismay, as he has no desire to step onto the icy exterior.

Annika is the last to appear, wearing those ridiculous fur boots and a pink Chanel sweater with a Camellia logo. Her steps and the sound of the two huge suitcases being dragged down the stairs make everyone look towards the staircase, desperate for someone to break the ice. She shrinks under the attention, very uncharacteristic of her, and Aegon sees Helaena and Floris exchange worried glances.

“What are you doing?” She asks, watching them prepare pancakes for breakfast.

“Breakfast,” Willa says. “Do you want coffee?”

She shakes her head. “No, I don't want coffee. I want to leave. The night has passed. I thought everyone would be ready to leave. Usually, I'm always the last to be ready.”

“You can't leave. The roads are filled with snow that probably no one will clear until after Christmas. There was a storm last night. It's not safe,” Logan reminds her, pointing to the TV where the weatherman urges residents and visitors to stay indoors until further notice. “Even if you could cross the road, there are no flights available.”

Annika smiles and takes off the sunglasses she was wearing. “No, I'll ask my dad to send his pilot, duh. I'm not taking any commercial flights. I wanted to ski for Christmas, and that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to the nearest place with snow and a sauna.”

Daeron and Aemond look at each other, aware that the unpleasant part of Annika is speaking. Something is wrong.

“Well, I don't want to leave. We're here already, we can make it worthwhile,” Hel tells her. Annika rolls her eyes.

“Fine, you stay. Floris?”

She opens her mouth and sighs. “It's not that I want to stay, but flying in these conditions... I don't know. It's only two more days. Maybe even tomorrow we can leave. I'm not going to risk it.”

“Great. I guess it's just me,” Annika grumbles, grabbing her suitcases. “Well, have fun, I suppose. Au revoir. Arrivederci. Goodbye. Chau.”

“I'll go,” Floris says, resigned, and walks behind her. Daeron does the same, and Aegon follows them out of pure curiosity. “Annika, you can't leave!”

“She's right, it's not safe!” Daeron shouts from the door. She has started to drag her suitcases down the stairs with difficulty, the stupid boots slipping on the ice. The car is covered in snow, and it will take her a while to clear it, not to mention that the snow keeps falling.

“Watch me!” She says, reaching the bottom of the stairs with the first suitcase. She holds onto the railing and makes the ascent again, slipping several times. Then she grabs the other suitcase.

“At least let me help you,” Daeron offers. He shakes off the cold and takes Annika's suitcase. She struggles for a moment, insisting she can do it, but he prevails and lifts it.

“Be careful,” Floris says, putting a hand to her mouth. “Annika, would you call when...?”

“Fuck!” Annika yells when she slips down the stairs. Aegon sees her lose balance and fall to her ass, hitting herself several times before reaching the stone path.

If he weren't concerned because he heard her hit her head against a step, he definitely would have burst into laughter. Floris also screams, shocked, and Daeron drops the suitcase in the snow to rush to help her.

“Annika!”

“Daeron, don't throw my suitcase in the damn snow!” She reproaches him, holding her head with one hand.

“Yeah, she’s okay,” Aegon deduces, descending the porch steps carefully. Annika doesn't even acknowledge his existence.

“What happened?” Helaena asks, coming out with the rest through the front door. “Oh, God. Are you alright?”

“I'm fine. I tripped,” she admits, defeated. Daeron and Floris take one of each arm and help her to her feet. When she stands and puts her weight on her feet, she begins to whimper in pain and holds onto both. “Ouch, ouch!”

“What's happening?” Daeron asks.

“My ankle!” She complains. “It hurts, hurts! Oh, God. What if it’s broken? What if I can't walk ever again?”

“Calm down. I don't think it's broken; if it were, you'd be crying,” Logan tells her, quickly descending the stairs. He replaces Floris' grip on one side of her body. “Can you put weight on it?”

“No, it hurts like a son of a bitch. Shit,” Annika moans, and Logan lifts her into his arms to take her back into the house. “Daeron! Bring my suitcases!”

He sighs but obeys. The last thing he wants is to bother her more than she already seems. Everyone enters behind Logan, and he takes her to the living room while Floris cleans the melting snowflakes from her hair.

Logan leaves her on the couch and sits in front of her on the coffee table, resting her foot on his lap. Without asking for permission, he tries to untie the boot, but he doesn't understand much about its operation. He tries to remove it with pressure, but she screams and writhes in pain.

“No, no! Don't do that!” She scolds him. “Damn it. I can't believe it.”

“I don't want to say I told you so, but I told you so,” Floris says, arms crossed. “Those boots are the death of you.”

“Maybe we just need to cut the boot off,” suggests Aemond.

Annika throws a cushion at him for the brutal idea.

“Not the Moschino. No!”

“It's probably just a sprain. But either we cut it off, or I could still trying to take it off and hurt you even more,” Logan tells her.

“I would sacrifice the boot,” Helaena tries to reason. “We can get another pair. You can't get another foot; that's for sure.”

“Kill me. Kill me now,” she says, bringing a cushion to her face and screaming into it. “Fine. Cut them. Kill them. Just do it quickly. I don't want to see.”

Helaena squeezes her shoulder, standing behind the sofa where Annika has put her head on the backrest and taken the cushion to her face. Willa hands Logan a knife, who puts it through the boot and tries to cut the material with considerable difficulty while Annika whimpers. If one were to see the scene from a distance, they would probably think they were cutting off her foot.

When he removes the boot and the thermal sock, everyone analyses the extremely swollen ankle with disgust.

“Is it bad?” She asks, removing the cushion from her face but not daring to speak. Aegon puts it back on her face, wrinkling his nose, but she hits him. “Don't touch me. Logan. Is it really bad?”

“Well...”

She opens her eyes wide. “Oh, my God!”

“Hey, don't worry,” he tries to calm her, patting her knee gently when she starts to cry. “You'll be fine. Painkillers, rest, and lots of ice. Everything will be fine; you'll be walking in—“

“Give it to me,” she reaches out her arms.

“What?” Logan asks, confused.

Aemond lightly hits his arm. “She means the boot.”

“The... The boot?”

Aegon nods. “Yes, she's crying over the boot.”

“It was so beautiful!” She exclaims when Willa hands it to her, and she hugs it with distress. “It's not fair. I bought them on our trip to Milan. They were the last pair. Do you remember, Flo? Do you remember how we were walking, and I saw them in the shop window, and...?”

Logan looks around, not understanding how no one seems surprised or confused by the girl's attitude. It's Daeron who whispers in his ear, “She cries over trivial things to avoid crying about what she really has to cry about. The odds of her being incredibly sore are very high, but she won't admit it.”

“Oh, well,” he scratches his neck, uncomfortable. “Bring her some ice. Try not to put weight on your foot for a while and keep it elevated.”

“Hey, look on the bright side. At least you didn't ruin your cashmere sweater,” Helaena says cheerfully. Willa frowns, observing her pink sweater for a moment.

“I want to go home,” she protests. “Why does everything have to happen to me?”

“It'll be okay. We'll have breakfast so you don't take a painkiller on an empty stomach, and you can try to leave when the swelling goes down,” Logan reassures her, getting up from the table and walking to the kitchen. Then he turns to Floris. “Yeah, she's not going anywhere. Not today, at least.”

Floris bites her lip, a little amused, and shakes her head. “A Christmas Eve to remember,” she says, and then helps everyone set the table for breakfast.

By mid–afternoon, everyone has had a few drinks and taken a dip in the indoor pool. Floris and Aemond maintain an incredibly mature distance, astonishing Aegon as he discusses it with Willa. Daeron seems to have become very friendly with Logan.

Annika didn't want to move, and in a sour mood stayed on the couch watching some stupid Christmas movie.

“They are cute,” Willa says, referring to Helaena and Logan. Her red curls are dripping water, and she holds onto the edge of the pool while sipping a sip of a daiquiri Aegon made for her.

“Whatever,” he says, rolling his eyes.

“Don't you like someone making her laugh? Daeron always says she's a pretty lonely person and has a hard time getting along with others.”

“Aren't we all?” He chuckles. “I guess... It's always us who bring our girlfriends home. I mean, if we don't count the little friend Daeron brought home at seven years old who started crying when he showed her Aemond's snake, and his mother picked her up half an hour later, you would officially be the first girl Daeron brought. And Aemond and Floris have been together forever. And I...”

“Bring a different girl to every gathering?” Willa laughs.

“Yeah, as pathetic as that sounds,” he continues. “The point is, Helaena has never brought anyone else but Annika. She's her person. We got so used to it that now it's weird to see her with someone else. I don't think any of us realized that one day we would meet her partner.”

“It's weird. They seem to have that confidence that makes you think they've known each other forever,” she ponders. “Anyway, it's nice that they get along. She can't be with Annika all the time, I think. Eventually, they'll have to find a significant other.”

He dips his head in the pool to avoid hearing the last words and then emerges, leaning his elbows on the pool's edge, rubbing the water off his eyes.

“And that will be a great day for everyone,” he sighs ironically. Willa inspects him carefully. “What?”

“Nothing,” she shrugs. “I mean... I'm very observant.”

“Yeah, I remember. A very curious little mouse, I told Daeron.”

“When we went to your house in San Francisco, do you remember the day it got really cold, and the airline had lost my luggage?”

“Hm, vaguely.”

“You gave me a sweater to wear while Daeron and I replaced my clothes.”

“I did?”

“Yes. You told me to be careful not to ruin it,” Willa tries to make him remember. “It was a pink cashmere sweater with a Camellia. Like the one Annika's wearing.”

Aegon bites his cheek. He knew he shouldn't lend the clothes Annika had forgotten at his apartment. Man, Annika never lends her clothes. How could he be so stupid?

“Sure... It's… It was mine. We bought it on sale. You know, two for the price of one,” he says, nervously laughing. He’s more worried about Annika finding out he lend her sweater. “It's very soft, much softer than any other fabric. I like wearing it. Yes. And I love pink. I have that sweater at home, and a lot of other pink clothes. I'd show you...”

“Aegon,” she sighs amused. “I'm not going to say anything.”

“You're not going to say anything about what?” He asks, trying not to sound mortified.

“You and Annika,” she murmurs, so only he can hear.

Aegon laughs. “There's no me and Annika.”

“You knew about her piercing, and she looked too worried when you mentioned it, but not surprised. Come on. I think everyone knows; they're just waiting for you two to say it and pretending not to know,” Willa tells him.

“There's nothing to say. It was... Nothing. Just something physical. It didn't mean anything.”

“What didn't mean anything?” Daeron asks, appearing out of nowhere behind Willa and hugging her around the waist. “Is Aegon bothering you?”

“I think I'm bothering him,” she says playfully.

He climbs onto the pool's edge, coming out of the water dripping, and walks to grab a towel without saying a word. After almost completely drying himself, he goes to the living room where Annika watches the Grinch, sitting in the same position they left her, with a blanket over her lap and ice over her head.

“He looks like you,” he tells her, ignoring the fact that he left her crying in the kitchen the night before. He always does that.

“I'm not in the mood,” she says, not moving her eyes from the screen. He peeks behind her and shakes his head to wet her. “Bite me.”

“Aren’t you a delight,” he says, taking a seat next to her. “Are you in pain?”

“No,” she replies, arms crossed and clearly a bit drowsy from the painkillers, without even looking at him.

“I thought we called on a truce.”

“I think we shouldn't talk at all,” she tells him. The indifferent tone stirs something acidic in Aegon's chest, and he squirms with sadness. “Oh, sorry. Was I too harsh?”

“I don't understand why you're angry. I should be angry. You gave me the blue balls. At least you got to finish.”

She looks at him and lets out a laugh. “I can't stand you.”

“Where do you think you're going?” He asks when he sees her trying to get up.

“Far away from you,” she says, being careful not to put weight on her foot. Aegon takes her arm and throws her back on the couch. She lets out a groan and wriggles, trying to escape his grip, but he holds her by the waist and presses her to his chest. “Let me go.”

“There’s something you need to know. Willa knows about us,” he warns, putting his mouth to her ear. She shifts uncomfortably. “It's just a matter of time before everyone finds out.”

“Then you kill her to keep the secret. God forbid someone finds out you touched me, or even looked in my direction.”

“Do you think that's the problem?” He asks, his palm resting on her stomach, lips against her neck. “You think I care if anyone finds out?”

“You made it pretty clear.”

“Do you want me to make you come again in this sofa where anyone could walk in and see us?” He asks, kissing her under the ear as he moves his hand from her navel to her centre. “You might understand that’s not what I’m worrying about, then.”

Annika hits his hand off and lets go of his grip. “No. I want you to leave. I'm serious. I don't want you to talk to me, look at me, or breathe in my direction. I don't want you near.”

He smiles crookedly. “Definitely harsh.”

“Go away. I can't go up the stairs, so I'm asking you to leave.”

She leans back against the backrest and covers herself with the blanket, resting her cheek on her hand. Aegon sighs in defeat. He’s not used to being rejected by her, if she ever got complicated usually some sweet talking and his fingers worked like charm to remedy her.

“Annika...”

“I don't want to hear your pathetic excuses,” she says. “You can take your blue balls and shove them in the snow as far as I’m concerned. And if you feel lonely, you have two hands.”

He looks at his hands.

It would hurt me a lot if you hurt her.

If he stays, he'll hurt her. If he leaves, he'll hurt her.

Freya was wrong. His mother, too. He can’t take care of her.

“Can I stay here and watch the movie at least?” He sighs, noticeably tired. She looks at him sideways and doesn't answer, but gives him a piece of her blanket. He settles a bit closer to her and curls up in his place, feeling a bit cold. “Do you want something to drink?”

“I want you to shut up.”

He nods. “Okay. Deal. I'll shut up.”

But he can't. He glances at her certain times, focused on the movie and looking as unhappy as ever. He clicks his tongue.

“You know...”

“No. I don't want to know.”

“Fine,” he nods again. Moves his leg frantically and manages to keep quiet for two full minutes. “But, if you think about it...”

Annika puts the TV on mute and turns to look at him. He stays silent when those green eyes haunt him. “It was real. It wasn't a waste of time. I wasn't just another one of your girls. It was different. It always has been. You were there, and it was real.”

“Of course, it wasn't a waste of time,” he starts saying. Freya's voice drills into his head. It would hurt me a lot if you hurt her. “And it was real.”

“And why don't you admit it?”

“What do you want me to admit?” He sighs, tired, and rests his cheek on the back of the sofa. Silver hair wets the green fabric, but he doesn't care.

“That you want me.”

“I can show you how hard I am so that –“

“That you love me,” she corrects.

He tries to escape, almost panicked, but she takes his cheeks and forces him to look at her. Her eyes are hypnotic. Her cheeks. Her skin. Her hair. The nose and eyelids reddened from crying so much because of him.

Of course, he does.

She's so close that their lips almost touch. He has leaned over her, because he does love her. Because she's right. And she no longer wants to run away... But he can't say it. However, he finds another way to be honest.

“I knew when your mother got sick,” he says, delicate as if confessing a sin. “I always knew. And she told me I shouldn't take care of you because you could take care of yourself, but that the idea of me hurting you would sadden her. I can’t do that to her.”

She leans back even though he tries to kiss her. She moves back so much that it cuts through his chest.

“What?” She gasps, not understanding. “What... What are you talking about? What does that even mean?”

And there's more. And there's so much you don't know. Because I've loved you since we were kids. Because I've taken care of you since we were kids. You don't have the right to treat me like a villain. I've always taken care of you. This time is no different.

“Aegon,” she calls him, in a sob. But he doesn't react, so she hits him in the chest. “Are you fucking kidding me? Why would you say something like that? Why would you even –“

“Because it's the truth. You wanted to know the truth. There it is,” he says. “We can't be together, Annika. I've learned to live with that, and you should too.”

🧣⋆.ೃ࿔*:･⍣ ೋ *ੈ🎄‧₊˚ . *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ೃ࿐🌟

Floris pours herself a glass of water while Aemond looks at her with a dangerously careful gaze. He has always been tough, since they were kids, and it worsened after the incident with his eye. The sapphire only makes him appear tougher, ruthless, even.

But Floris cannot see anything other than his good side. His heart. The way he cares about his family, even Annika, with whom he always had a somewhat distant relationship. He cares.

That's why it was strange when she found him with their professor. It wasn't strange to have packed her things and taken the next flight to move from one state to another in less than six hours though.

He didn't object.

It's the first time they see each other, and there's a lot to say. He sent her things, and everyone moved on. She doesn't know what happened to the apartment or that damn snake of his that wouldn't let her have a puppy because it might eat it.

“Floris,” he finally calls her. She can't look at him. She can't see the person who cares and matters to her, who would never have hurt her. It's a different person standing beside her. “Please, look at me. We need to talk.”

She shakes her head. “We don't need to talk.”

“We need to clear things up.”

She smiles ironically. “What do you want to clarify? You slept with a teacher multiple times over these past few years and brought her to my house, to my bed. Do you have a valid reason? Other than the fact that you obviously no longer love me?”

Aemond weighs it for a moment. And then nods.

“I do love you.”

She laughs. “Sure.”

“You're my best friend. The best I've ever had in my life.”

“And then? Why did you do this to me?” She asks. There's no anger in her tone, as if the anger had dissipated after the exhaustive conversation with Annika, who she covered in snot and vomit. It's curiosity, no more, no less. It's intrigue.

“It has nothing to do with you.”

“I know I have my issues, but I firmly believe I've never done anything to hurt you. Not intentionally at least. I haven't been a bad girlfriend or a bad friend either. So, I ask you again, if you love me, why did you do this to me?”

“Because I love you,” he nods. “It's easy for me to love you, Flo. It's warm, and you feel like home to me. But I'm not a kid anymore, and neither are you. Adults have to leave their homes to create their own paths.”

Her eyes fill with tears. “I thought we were happy.”

“We were. I am. And I really don't want to lose you... But I cannot keep doing this,” he sighs, and gently takes her hand. “I'm sorry. It was stupid. And I don't think you can forgive me, but...”

“You're right, I can't,” she tells him, sniffing. “You should have told me what you felt when you felt it. You shouldn’t have let me waste all this past years. We could have found a solution; we did when, you know… Or we could have... –“

“Flo, there was nothing else to do. We tried everything,” Aemond tells her, a bit firmer now. “You don't love me in that way either. I know you, and I'm sorry. I've felt this distance between us for a while. You're not happy in Boston. You're happier with Annika and Helaena in New York. You would be happier if you had a dog instead of a snake. You would be happy if you explored a bit of who you are and what you want to be besides me.”

She sobs. “How am I supposed to go on after this?”

Aemond knows she might not, but maybe, after all, it's the only way for her to understand that between them, there's nothing but the love they've outgrown. Childish, puppy love.

“I'm sorry. It was stupid. And I'm not even seeing her. I guess I needed a getaway car, and that's the one I found... I guess you'll have to be the better person here and forgive me. It will take time, but I hope you know that I really mean it when I say I regret what I did to yoy.”

Floris clicks her tongue and rubs her face with her hands. “Well, you never apologized for anything. So I guess you are saying the truth. But it only makes me feel worse because this means you screwed up big time and you’re aware of it.”

He lets out a little laugh and leans in to kiss her on the forehead. “You taught me a lot. More than anyone else in my life. You gave me everything you could, and it's time for both of us to move on with what we taught to each other. When you're ready, when you're at peace... I hope I can be your friend again. Because I can't bear the thought of you not being in my life anymore.”

She understands what he means. Not in a romantic way, but they know each other too well. No one will ever know him so much, and vice versa. No one will ever live what they lived together.

“I’m always gonna love you,” she confesses. Again, not in a romantic way, but there's no need to clarify that.

Aemond tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m always gonna love you, too.”

“I need time. A lot. When I go back to New York, I'm going to transfer a university there. I fell behind a bit, but I'll catch up. I'll go to therapy, and I'll learn to forgive you. But I don't want to see you for a while.”

It hurts him almost as much as the pain that sometimes paralyzes half of his face.

But he knows he deserves it.

“You'll be fine,” he tells her. “You were always… Resilient. More so than me.”

“I know,” Flo smiles. “I’ll be fine. I got my girls with me.”

[medievill]

hey, another Jew here! just wanted to tack on a couple of things to this extremely good list.

op mentioned re: tattoos that it's not something another Jew would bring up, and I'd like to note that in all the circles I've run in, with varying levels of observance, nobody brings any of it up. your level of observance is between you and--well. you. because maybe you're an atheist. your relationship (or non-relationship) with g!d is your own business, 100,000%, and I have never ever experienced pressure from another Jew to be more (or less) observant. like, the closest you get are the Chabadniks on the sidewalk asking you if you've laid tefillin today, and if you haven't, do you want to? no? okay have a nice day! no one, including my own parents, ever gave me shit for how kosher I kept, how often I went to shul, if I was fasting on Yom Kippur or abstaining from chametz during Passover, if I was lighting Chanukah candles, how Hebrew-literate I am. literally none of it. obviously there are exceptions, and there are assholes, but in my experience, everyone is chill about everyone else's level of observance because it's none of our business. (see also: proselytizing, and not doing it.)

IF you want to say stuff about racism in the Jewish community by having someone say something garbage-y to Ed about being a convert, which I personally think you ought to rethink, please understand that this is actually very against the rules! if someone wants to tell you they've converted, okay! but you don't bring it up about someone else, and you definitely don't weaponize it. "every Jew is as Jewish as Moses" includes converts!!

technically speaking, Shabbat (Friday sundown-Saturday hour-past-sundown) is a day of rest, which means work is prohibited. (there are a few holidays throughout the year that also have the work prohibition; they're easy to find if you google them.) the strict reading of this prohibits working at your job, buying stuff, writing, electronics, driving, cooking, lighting a fire, putting on makeup, tying certain kinds of knots (there's more but I'll quit now). a lot of people I know who want to observe Shabbat but don't want to get that deep into it (or can't), will reserve the day for things that bring them pleasure, or things that lessen anxiety. for instance, I don't mind doing household chores on Shabbat because it contributes to my peace of mind, but I stay off social media. I have a friend who will write but only on something that hasn't been acquired by a publisher yet (so there's no money involved).

we're actually a very sex-positive people! there are exceptions, of course, but generally speaking, banging is seen as Good, Actually. there's no shame associated with it, and the only abstinence-only sex education I got was in public school. the focus is much more on sex being a Serious Thing. there's no prohibition on HOW you do it, either; if you wanna get kinky, go nuts! sex is so smiled upon that one of the things shidduchim (professional matchmakers) take into account is attraction between partners. if you're not attracted to your partner, you're not going to want to bang it out, and then what are we doing here? sex is sanctified, okay? (there's a great story about the Rebbe z''l who was asked for advice: a man had been introduced to this great woman, kind and smart and loyal, would make a great mother, really wonderful woman, except he wasn't attracted to her; what should he do? the Rebbe told him she obviously wasn't the one.)

we're more than our generational trauma! we're more than our non-generational personal trauma! there's so much joy in Judaism that you don't get to see in a lot of media representation. Simchat Torah just passed, and it's the holiday where we literally dance with the Torah scrolls. we're having costume parties on Purim! we're having four-hour-long dinners on Passover that usually end with table-banging songs about the goat that father bought for 2 zuzim! we're having l'chaims after Shabbat with the good bourbon! most of our holidays are "they tried to kill us, they failed, let's eat," and we take that very. seriously.

I...did not mean to get this long-winded about it but misrepresentation fuckin' BLOWS. the most important thing here is that if you want to write Jewish characters, find someone Jewish to talk to about it, or do some sensitivity reading for you, if everyone's amenable.

thanks for coming to my Ed Talk.

So you want to write about a Jewish Ed Teach - a quick guide to writing a Jewish man of color, by a Jewish moc

Given Taika Waititi is Jewish, I am always so happy when I see fanfic authors writing about Ed being Jewish! We need more Jewish poc rep and I'm always happy to see it. That being said, I've also seen a lot of misunderstandings, so I wanted to to write up a few quick guidelines.

Disclaimer: I'm just one Jew with an opinion, and this is based on my own experiences! I'd love if other Jews, especially other Jews of color, in the fandom would like to chime in with their thoughts as well!

It is possible to be a Jewish athiest! Judaism is membership in a people, and belief in g-d is not required (and, in my community, it's even considered a very personal question!). Some of the most observant Jews I know are athiests; belief in g-d and level of Jewish observance are not directly correlated. Cannot overstate how common it is for Jews to not believe in g-d or go back and forth on the question.

On that note, there are different levels of Jewish observance. Every individual is different, but in general there's Orthodox (very strict), and then, way on the other side, there's Reform and Conservative (Conservative does not equal politically Conservative). Conservative and Reform are very similar, except the Conservative movement tends to be more observant of traditional Jewish law and uses a lot more Hebrew. If you live in an area without a lot of Jews (like where I live!), it's very common for Reform and Conservative movements to have a lot of overlap and collaborate on a lot of stuff together.

Not every Jew keeps Kosher, or keeps Kosher to the same level of strictness.

Synagogue services are not like Christian services, especially outside of holiday services. Ordinary Saturday morning services are often more like a group conversation as we try to work new meaning out of the Torah. The B'Nei Mitzvah, the big ceremony that marks a kid being old enough to participate fully in Jewish life, is more like "baby's first thesis defense" than anything else! There have literally been pauses in services I've attended before as someone ran to the temple library to check their sources.

Not all Jews speak Hebrew. Some Jews might not know any, some might be able to stumble through the more important prayers, some might be able to sight-read okay, some might only know religious words but not modern words, some might be fluent! Just about any level of proficiency is believable.

Ed's got a lot of tattoos! Tattoos are a big traditional Jewish no-no, but (again!) different movements and different Jews have their own opinions. I know a Conservative tattoo artist! It's not something that other Jews would comment on (unless they're just assholes) and it wouldn't make anyone kick him out of synagogue services (no joke, I read that in a fic once).

Hannukah is not the only (or even the most important) Jewish holiday; it's just the one most non-Jews know about. The two biggest holidays are Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur. I think Ed's favorite holidays would be Purim (you get to wear costumes and put on plays!) and Passover (retelling of a story along with a big meal!).

Depending on the area and the Jewish demographic, Jews of color can sometimes feel uncomfortable in our own community, especially when other Jews automatically assume we must be converts. While this is a real issue, it is not something I want to read authors who aren't themselves Jews of color write about because it is a deeply inter-Jewish issue.

Depending on the community you grow up in, religious trauma isn't as common with queer Jews as it is with queer Christians. The Reform movement has been advocating for queer Jews since the 1960s (you read that right, yes). I'm not saying there are no queer Jews who have religious trauma, I'm just saing it's a lot less common, and I have always felt immediately accepted as queer in Jewish spaces.

The inverse is not true. Queer spaces are not always accepting of Jews (or of people of color, a double whammy!).

A few stereotypes to avoid: Jews are often stereotyped as being greedy and corrupt. Jewish kids are bullied by Christian kids because "we killed Jesus," when I was ten I had another kid ask to "see my horns." Always avoid comparing Ed directly to animals, especially rodents.

If you're a non-Jew looking to write about a Jewish Ed, I recommend doing some research. MyJewishLearning is a great website that's very accessible.

Every Jew interacts with our Judaism differently, so if you're writing a Jewish Ed, please take a moment to think about what it means for him! Membership in a community? Calming traditions that remind him of home, family, and community? A point of pride - we're a resilient lot! Even just a note in his background that he's not as connected to as he might like to be?

[hellfiremunsonn]

See You At Seven? Steve Harrington x Reader

See You At Seven?

I do not allow my writing to be republished anywhere other than my own blog without my consent

Summary: Losing your virginity to Steve doesn’t go how you thought it would.

18 + IF YOU ARE NOT 18 OR OLDER DO NOT READ OR INTERACT WITH MY WRITING. IT IS NOT INTENDED FOR MINORS. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MEDIA YOU CONSUME.

Word count: 4667

WARNINGS: loss of virginity, f orgasm, fingering, dirty talk, blood, painful penetration, Dom!Steve if you squint, aftercare, supportive Steve. 

It was one of those summer days where nothing seemed to cure my boredom. I tried reading, watching a movie, sun tanning, even cleaning my room. Laying flat on my back on my bed I stared at the popcorn ceiling above me trying to think of anything that could help pass the time. I was waiting for Steve to finish his shift at Family Video so we could hang out. He had booked the weekend off for us to spend some time together. Both of us working too much that we weren't making enough time for each other so we decided to change that. It was strange being in a relationship with someone who was actually mature enough to discuss things like that, and even though Steve is well, Steve, he's smarter than he looks.

Glancing at the small pink clock on my bedside table, I figured 4:30 was a good time to phone Family Video and harass Steve on the other end. It was usually dead in the store so we talked often when we could, helped both of us pass the time quicker. Dialling the number I now knew off by heart Robin picked up on the third ring. "Family Video this is Robin!" Her perky voice ringing in my ears and bringing a smile to my face. "Hey Robs it's me" I said leaning against the wall next to the phone. "Oh my god (Y/N) Steve is being so annoying and mopey, all he's doing is leaning on the counter complaining about when he can see you, and I'm pretty sure I caught him laying on the floor at one point just in full despair, I don't know what you've done to him, but I love it and hate it all at the same time-" I stifled a laugh as she rambled on before I heard Steves voice. "Robin give me the phone"

"No I'm talking to her, she likes me more, stop it, Steve don't STEVE!" The clatter of the phone was loud and I had to pull the receiver away from my ear for a moment. A distant "You're disgusting!" was heard and then Steves chuckle vibrated through the phone.

"Babe?" He said still laughing

"What did you do to her this time?" I asked.

"Wet willy" he said proudly. I scrunched my nose up in response.

"So childish" I fake mocked.

"It's the only way to fight back with her, and it works like a charm" I could still hear robin mumbling on the other end and I knew Steve was going to get an ear full (no pun intended) after we hung up. "So as per usual the parents are away, and I was thinking you'd come stay over for the weekend? We can just swim, and watch movies, and eat take out until were both uncomfortably full"

A small blush rising to my cheeks made me thankful for the fact Steve couldn't see me through the phone. "That sounds perfect, I could use some time away from my parents" I sighed.

"Everything okay?" He asked quickly.

"Oh yeah nothing crazy, just parents being parents" I rolled my eyes. My parents truly weren't that bad, and we got along quite well, it was just those normal parent things that were getting on my nerves lately. "Maybe I'm pmsing or something and I'm just getting irritated over nothing" I said thinking out loud.

"That could definitely be it- Hey did you have any movies in mind you wanted to see? Please don't make me watch Dirty Dancing again"

"Don't act like you don't like it Harrington, you stay awake through it more than I do" I teased. "But I suppose I won't make you watch that again" I bit the inside of my cheek thinking of movie titles I've seen in the past. "What about that one" I said snapping my fingers trying to get the name out. "The one with the kid from The Goonies?"

"The Lost Boys?"

"Yes! That's the one!" I said excitedly. "Robin said it was pretty good"

"It's a vampire one though are you okay with that?"

"I'm not afraid of vampires if that's what you're asking Steve" I said laughing. "I'm not a scaredy cat like you" I teased and I heard him scoff in response.

"I'm not a scaredy cat!" He protested. "You're the one who couldn't handle The shinning" He shot back, an audible smile across his face.

"Because it was just so ominous! I still have nightmares about that bloody elevator" I shuddered at the thought.

"Yeah that movie was a bit weird huh? I mean the bits we actually watched" He said trailing off.

The last time we had a so called movie night, Steve and I barely paid attention to the films we kept putting on. The facade of us actually watching them while I straddled his lap, his face buried in my neck as we rocked against each other. Steve and I hadn't had sex yet. I was too nervous being a virgin, and seeing as his dick could barely fit in my mouth I was afraid of having it between my legs. We did almost everything else, so I wasn't shy with being sexual with him, but going all the way seemed so daunting. People made it seem like such a big deal, and I guess it was, but I don't think having a dick in you should or would change you all that much as a person. Steve never rushed me on anything, and not a single word out of his mouth after I said 'stop' was negative or condescending. I had been with a few people before him, and being younger back then sex wasn't really something I wanted, I had barely explored myself let alone to let someone else explore me first, that didn't feel right. But eventually after figuring my own body out and what I liked it was easier to let myself feel good with someone else.

Now knowing I was going to stay with Steve for the whole weekend something in me told me that I was ready, and that I wanted to try. Butterflies flitted in my stomach and I had gotten so lost in my own thoughts I didn't realize that Steve had started speaking again. "So I figured that one, and then like, The Labyrinth, and maybe A Nightmare On Elm Street cause you still haven't seen that"

"You just want to get a scary movie so I'll hide into your chest"

"Yeah, yeah maybe I do"

"Oh and baby?" I said sweetly. Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes. This was it.

"Yeah?"

"You have condoms right?"

He choked, the phone clattered, and I could hear robin laughing in the background. "Steve?"

"Hmm yeah? Hi I uh, yeah, I do, um yeah" He said breathlessly.

"Good" My heart was beating so hard I thought I might throw up. "See you at seven?"

"Seven yeah, s-should be good"

"Bye Stevie" I said hanging up the phone. I leaned my forehead against the cool wall of the kitchen, my hand still holding onto the phone as I attempted to control my breathing. "It'll be fine" I said out loud to myself. "And if it's shit, that's okay, everyones first time is different" I reminded myself. Pushing myself off and away from the wall I made my way upstairs to shower and pack my bag for the weekend.

The showering part was easy. I never felt like any body part had to be baby smooth to feel comfortable around Steve, he never minded a little hair, in fact he encouraged it. "If hair wasn't supposed to be there, it wouldn't be there" he had said to me the first time I showed a small bit of insecurity about it. It even drove him crazy when it peaked out of the sides of my bathing suit bottoms when I didn't have time to sharpen up my bikini line. What stressed me out today, was what I was going to wear and what I was going to bring. I had slept over at Steves countless of times, and he was over here just as often, but we had never spent the whole weekend together. Deciding to pack some basics, I shoved a pair of pj pants and shorts into my bag. Figured I'd give myself another option just incase. Not bothering to add a sleep shirt knowing I would just steal one of Steves. Hands lingering over my folded clothes I played with the strap of this very tight tank top I thought about bringing. It made my boobs look really good and I knew Steve would love it as much as I did. A small smile playing on my lips I slid the top over my head deciding to wear it with a pair of shorts. Steve and I weren't planning on going out anywhere after he picked me up, so the short walk from my front door to his car in this would be totally fine. Shoving an extra pair of underwear into my bag I zipped it up and dropped it at the end of my bed. Now all I had to do was wait.

Almost on the dot exactly I heard Steve lightly honk his horn to signal he was here. Bounding down the stairs and out the front door I threw my backpack in the direction of the car as I ran and jumped into Steves open arms, my arms wrapping tightly around his neck. Bending slightly at the knees he scooped me up bringing my thighs to his was it and holding me in place against him. His balance wobbling slightly, his back hitting the side of his car. "Hey princess" He said a little breathlessly.

"Hi baby" I said releasing the grip of my thighs signalling Steve to put me back down but never letting go of me. "I missed you" I said honestly, my hands tugging at the hair at the base of the back of his neck.

"I missed you more" He said leaning down to press a light kiss to my lips.

"I don't think so" I said sighing dreamily as I looked up at him. His hands traveling to my shoulders he flicked at the thin strap of the tank top I wore.

"I've never seen this one before" head tilting to the side as he continued to slid his finger up and down my shoulder, still under the strap.

"Figure I would save it for a special occasion" I said leaning back from him and reaching for my bag.

"Special occasion huh?" He said turning to open the car door for me.

"Maybe" I said shrugging and slipping into the passenger seat.

The drive to Steves was always short and sweet, giving me no time to continue over thinking which is what I was already doing.

"Alright, I'm gunna hop in the shower real quick, you go get comfy in bed" Steve said placing a small kiss to my temple before heading towards his bathroom.

Falling onto his bed I smiled. Taking a deep breath and reviling in his familiar smell that littered his sheets. I unbuttoned my jean shorts and tugged them off, throwing them onto the floor before crawling under Steves blanket, nestling into his pillow. I hummed in content. How was his bed so much comfier than mine? Settling deeper into his bed I let my eyes close, the soft echo of the shower lulling me into sleep.

"Baby?" Steves hand ran through my hair, moving it away from my face and neck.

"Hmm?" I opened my eyes, squinting at the light of his room. His hair was still damp, a few darkened spots on the shoulders of his t-shirt from lingering drips from his hair.

"You wanna keep sleeping or do you wanna get up?"

I stretched my arms above my head, and sat up slowly, licking my lips to get the moisture back into my dry mouth. "I didn't mean to fall asleep" I said rubbing my eyes. "Is it late? How long was I out for?"

"Not long, bout thirty minutes or so, however long I was in the shower for"

"I missed you" I said reaching my hands out towards him, opening and closing them in grabby hand motion.

He laughed before shifting further up the bed so I could wrap my arms around him. Crawling out of his blanket and into his lap I straddled him and wrapped my arms around his neck. "You didn't dream of me?" He asked quietly, his hands running up and down my back.

"Not this time" I sighed. I could hear his heart beat begin to quicken as I rested my head against his chest. Sitting back up I ran my hands along his shoulders, to his forearms, down to his wrist to where his hands settled on my waist. I looked up at him with a shy smile.

"Oh I know that look" He said with a chuckle.

"What look?" I said tilting my head to the side.

"That's the, 'I want you to ruin me' look" His hands shifting from my waist to hold my face with both hands. The warmth from them spreading across my cheeks and down my neck igniting the heat that sat in the pit of my stomach.

"I don't know what you're talking about Harrington" I said trying to play it off, avoiding his eyes.

"Oh really?" His voice low, one hand moving from my cheek down to the base of my throat. "If I slid my hand into your panties right now, how wet would you already be hm?" He mocked playfully. My hips twitched slightly at the change of tone in his voice. "Bet you've already ruined those cute little pink panties huh? Just being this close to me gets you all wound up doesn't it?" his thumb grazing the divot between my collarbones and throat. Shifting slightly his hard erection bumped against my crotch and I had to hold back the small whimper threatening to leave my mouth. "Don't hide those noises from me pretty girl"

"Steveeee" I whined, grinding my hips ever so slightly in attempts for some relief. His hands back at my waist, guiding my hips to continue rolling them against him.

"What is it baby?"

"Don't tease me" I whimpered with a pout.

"But you're so pretty when you get all desperate"

"I'm already desperate" I admitted, my eyes flicking up back to his for a moment. "I've been thinking about you all day" I rolled my hips a little harder agaisnt him, my head falling into this crook of his neck. I kissed softly at the exposed skin I could reach without moving the fabric of his shirt. I was too focus on my movements to try anything else.

"What did you think about?" Steve said, his breath hitching slightly.

"Your hands"

"What about them?" He encouraged.

"How they feel when they touch me. When they touch me everywhere" My words coming out almost as whispers, the coil in my stomach slowly growing, but not fast enough.  "Please Steve" I said leaning back to press my forehead against his. Small moans falling out of my mouth and into his.

"Please what baby?"

"Touch me?" I leaned back again to look at him, his pupils blown out; only the smallest sliver of his honey brown eyes visible.

Shifting so he was now hovering me, he pressed his lips to mine. Sloppy kisses, our mouths and cheeks covered in each others saliva as our hands chased each others bodies. Feeling them like it was the first and only time we'd get to be this close. Steve made quick work, his hands tugging at the sides of my underwear until I lifted my hips slightly for him to pull them off the rest of the way. He didn't hesitate before sliding his fingers between my folds, groaning at the wet slick that instantly covered his fingers.

"Oh my god" I hummed, my head rolling to the side.

"I was right" He chuckled. "Look at you, so pretty like this. Soaking and desperate for me to touch you" Fingers circling my clit his lips came back down, attaching themselves to me, and absorbing my moans. He teased my hole slightly with his middle finger, but never going in. I whined.

"Steve, please"

"What do you want?"

"Touch me" I said quickly.

"I am touching you princess" he smirked.

"Finger me" I said in a huff, no shame in how audible the desperation was in my voice. "I wanna cum"

"Well you don't need me for that" He threatened.

I shook my head back and forth. "No I want you to make me cum"

Please with my response his finger slid into me a second later. My back arching every so slightly.

"My pretty pretty girl" He cooed while leaning down to kiss my neck. Nipping and sucking lightly until he reached the top of my breasts, that were almost spilling from the tight fabric of my tank top. "Take this off for me yeah?" He asked. I sat up quickly, grabbing the bottom of my top and flung it over my head and off to the side. He continued kissing my chest, his mouth leaving wet kisses a long the doughy skin until taking one of my nipples into his mouth, licking and sucking at it lightly. He added a second finger and I clenched around him instantly. Pulling up away from my chest he began curling his fingers up into me, and brought his other hand down to continue rubbing circles on my clit.

"F-fuck Steve" I spat.

"Feels good?" He asked.

"So fucking good baby, you always m-make me feel s-so good"

"Awe my poor baby can barely get her words out" He teased, pumping his fingers a little faster, and I knew I wouldn't be able to last much longer. Taking all of my strength to reach my hands down and into Steves to pull them from me, on the brink of my orgasm.

"What, what's wrong?" Steve said searching my face.

"N-Nothing, I wanna cum, um, on your cock" I said shyly.

Steves face reddened and he leaned forward to give me a quick soft kiss. "Not yet, I want you to cum on my fingers first, and then we can try okay?"

I nodded, my breath still rapid as he placed his fingers back into me. His fingers slipping into me almost easier this time. "Fuck look at the way you take my fingers baby" he said watching his movements, his fingers pumping in and out of me, curling up into my g-spot. "C'mon baby, I know you're close, cum on my fingers like you wanna cum on my cock" His movements never faltering as the coil in my stomach began to tighten, until my back arched off of his bed.

"Oh my god, just like that, please don't stop, please, please, don't stop" I begged, my hands fisting the fabric of his sheets beneath me.

"I won't baby, cum for me, you're right there"

Tingling heat soared through my body, through my stomach until that coil snapped and I was cumming around Steves fingers just like he wanted. Lewd whimpers and moans escaping me as Steve continued his moments until the high of my orgasm slowed. Sitting up I leaned forward until I reached the him of Steves sweatpants. My hands fumbling as I tried to free him from the restraints of the fabric. He grabbed my hands. "Hey, hey, slow down" He said softly.

"I still want" I swallowed, glancing slightly at his bedside table where I knew he kept his condoms. "I still want to try"

"You sure? We don't have to"

"I want to, I'm ready"

"Tell me to stop at any point okay?" He said holding my face in his hands.

I nodded. "I promise"

Leaning over to the table, he opened the small drawer and pulled out the box of condoms, ripping the cardboard open and taking one of the foil packages out and placing it next to us. He got up and walked towards the bathroom bringing back two towels. I raised my eyebrow.

"Just incase there's a little blood" He said reassuringly. Folding one in half, he placed it on his bed and tapped it so I would sit on it.

Removing his sweat pants and boxers and shirt he pumped his length a few times before tearing the foil packaging and removed the slippery condom from it. He rolled it onto himself and I watched intently, for when I was able to do it for him. He situated himself between my legs, rubbing the tip of his dick against my wet folds. "Here gimme one of your hands" He said reaching forward. Taking my hand into his he interlocked our fingers as he kneeled between my legs, his other hand directing his dick against me. "Ready?" he asked.

And I nodded.

"Verbal confirmation please" He said with a pleading look.

"Yes Steve, I'm ready"

He lined himself up and began to push into me slightly. Instantly I let out a hiss, my hand coming out to press against his abdomen. "F-fuck" I stuttered. It hurt. Way more than I thought it was going to.

"Want me to stop?"

"No, no, just" I took a deep breath and closing my eyes. "Just go slow"

He continued ever so slightly, pushing in by millimetres, stopping with each hiss and hitch of my breath. Pushing a little more I felt the rest of his tip slip into me and I tipped my head up slightly with a "Fuck" muttered through my teeth. My hand tight around Steves, and I knew I would leave him with tiny crescent shaped nail imprints in his skin.

"Just keep breathing baby, you're doing so well" His breath was ragged and I could tell it was difficult for him to be so slow, but I appreciated it so much.

My forehead scrunched and my eyes closed tightly I focused on my breathing until Steve tapped my head lightly. "How we doing in there?" I could hear the smile in his voice. I was afraid to open my eyes, knowing if I did tears would roll down from the pain. "Okay" I said quietly. "Keep going" and he did. So slowly, it felt like time had slowed with each push of his cock, stretching me painfully. I started breathing through my nose and out through my mouth.

"Do you want to stop?" Steve asked again.

"No? Yes? I don't know"

Steve sat up slightly, not removing himself just yet from me. "Look at me baby"

Reluctantly I opened my eyes, and the tears that were held behind my closed lids slipped out and down my temples with ease. "Talk to me" He said rubbing his thumb against the skin on my hip in soothing circles.

"It hurts" I choked. "I-I thought it would be better" A small sob bubbled in my chest.

"I'm gunna pull out okay?"

"No no, don't" I said whimpering, trying to pull him back to me but hissed when I made him move a little deeper into me.

"Baby please? We can try again, this was good for a first try, I don't want you crying in pain under me"

"Just... Is it okay if you put it all in? Then we can stop"

"Are you absolutely sure?"

"Yeah, please? Just that"

"Okay" he removed his hand from my tight grasp and moved so he was leaning down more towards me. "Hold onto me if you need to okay?"

I nodded, my hands resting on his shoulders. He began again, slowly pushing himself into me, small whimpers from my mouth echoing into his skin. "So close baby, you're doing so good" he praised. With a slight grunt I felt him bottom out, his rough pubic hair rubbed against mine. "Fuuuuuck, you feel so good baby, you did so good, look how well you're hugging onto my cock baby"

We stayed like that for a moment, his head now tucked into my shoulder and my arms firmly wrapped around his neck.

"No more, I'm done" I whispered.

"Okay baby" he said giving me small kisses as he leaned back up. "Just keep breathing for me okay?" He slowly pulled back out, and it still hurt, but not as much as it did going in. When he was fully out I glanced down at him, the condom slightly pink with blood. My bottom lip quivered as I tried to hold back my tears.

"Baby it's okay" Steve said. "Lemme get this off, and I'll clean you up okay?" He made quick with his movements, discarding the condom into the trash, and slipping his boxers and sweat pants back on. I curled up into a ball, sobbing into my hands. "C'mere" Steve said quietly after tugging his shirt back over his head, pulling me into his chest. I held onto him, the fabric of his t-shirt tucked tightly into the balls of my fists as I cried into him. He pulled his blanket back up over me and traced his finger tips against my bare back soothing me. "You're okay" he repeated.

After a few quiet moments, the grip I had on his shirt loosened and my breathing relaxed. Tilting my head I looked up at Steve. His eyes were closed and maybe he sensed me already looking at him because his eyes opened and immediately met mine. He smiled.

"I'm sorry" I said, new tears threatening to fall.

"You have nothing to be sorry for"

"But, you didn't get to finish, and it was shit, it wasn't even sex"

"When has me finishing ever been a priority? Cumming is just a bonus, as long as we're both having fun, and getting some sort of pleasure out of whatever we're doing, then I'm happy babe" he said tucking a bit of hair behind my ear. "What's got you so upset about it?"

"I thought it would have been better, I knew it wouldn't be great, but everyone makes it seem like it's this insane thing, and it was just shit" Angry tears fell down my cheeks as I sat back up, crossing my legs in front of me. "I had it all planned out in my head, and for it to just be the complete opposite sucks"

"You know my first time wasn't that great either"

"Really? I don't think we've ever talked about it"

"I don't think it ever came up, but it was weird" He laughed a little. "All the motions of sex were there, but I had no idea what I was doing, and this older girl just took full control, and I think I blacked out at one point cause then it was over and I was putting my clothes back on and I never saw her again"

"How old were you?"

"Uh like 14 I think? Too young that's for sure, I didn't even really know what happened until I got older" He sighed. "Sex didn't really get good until the end of high school, but then I met you and I realized I liked making you cum more than even the thought of sex" He toothy smile spreading across his face. "Although I will tell you, your pussy felt amazing"

I rolled my eyes and smacked his arm. "So much for that nice little moment" I sniffled lightly, wiping away the last remnants of my tears.

"Wanna hop in the shower with me? I'll get you all cleaned up and we can order pizza and start our little movie marathon"

I blushed. Steve really was amazing, he went into caregiver mode so effortlessly and it made my heart squeeze.

"Yeah, that would be nice" I said quietly.

"And baby?" He said. "Everyones first time is different, and they're not all perfect like they are in the movies, it sometimes takes time and practice, but we'll get there okay?"

I pouted, looking down at my hands.

"Hey, no pouting, it's all a learning process" He tilted my chin up to look at him. "It'll get better" he gave me a light kiss on the lips. "I Promise"

[mamavanheat]

Evil Side

author's notes: first off i want to thank @arcaneblaine for introducing the idea of alt!josh into my brain, secondly @earthlysorrows for helping me write and edit. if you've never seen the movies mentioned, it might be confusing (i'm sorry!!). the playlists are from josh's pov. this is the longest fic i’ve ever written and i hope there’s not too many mistakes 😭😭

enjoy, besties

word count: 7.3K

WARNINGS: 18+ MINORS DNI, alcohol consumption, smoking, blood, SMUT, consensual non-consent (kinda?), unprotected sex, physical assult, ANGST, cursing, asshole!josh, let me know if i forgot any please!!

The music blasting through the speakers in the venue made it just a little bit harder for the server to hear your order. It's quite the busy weekend considering the weather was not favorable for most. The rain tends to drive people to stay home and cozy. However, you loved the rain. It was the perfect time for you to enjoy yourself in a not so wild environment. So, the amount of people that were crammed into the building tonight was a little overwhelming. "Hey! Can I please just get a Yuengling? Tap if you have it!" The server nodded at your order and turned to walk away. Your favorite table was always the one in the corner by the front door in case you end up leaving suddenly. Feeling invisible wasn’t your favorite thing, but it was comfortable.  

The server returned with your drink, setting it down with a small black cocktail napkin. You thanked her and twisted the salt shaker from the table, sprinkling pieces onto the thin coaster. A local band, some guys you’ve vaguely heard of, was set to play live in less than a half hour. You sat patiently scrolling on your phone while you waited for them to take stage. The owner of the bar had asked you a couple months ago to manage their social media page since you frequented every weekend. They were older and could barely figure out Instagram so taking on the task was no issue. However, you didn’t happen to be the best photographer around, just someone with basic photo editing skills and a great phone camera. Before the set starts, you people watch to find the next subject of a hopefully viral post for the sake of making the owners proud.  

The next band, assumably the local band that had been hyped up for a couple weeks, began to take their rightful places on the small stage. Four guys around your age grabbed their instruments as you stood to find a better spot for your pictures. One of them in particular caught your eye, the singer. He stepped onto the stage with great confidence and a smugness to him.  “Thank you guys for coming to see us tonight. I’m Josh and we’re Greta Van Fleet.” His hands gripped the mic as he nodded to the guitarist, signaling the beginning of the song. This band had to be the hardest for you to capture still photographs of as they all moved across the stage continuously, especially the singer. It was a miracle his low-rise skin tight pants managed to stay on the entire time. His voice definitely did not fit the body, taking you by surprise at the notes he hit. High and low. It was intriguing to say the least.  

The small audience space filled with screaming fan girls was not a shock as you watched the entire set. They had a charm and stage presence that draws you in to them. Josh interacted with them quite often causing them to absolutely lose their minds. As you tried to move your way through the crowd for a better chance at a shot stable enough to post, attention was drawn to you by the fans shoving back. Josh noticed you. His eyes lingered as he belted into the mic, not missing a single note. You became his target. He gave you the show you were looking for as he removed the mic from the stand and crouched on the stage directly before you. Looking directly into your camera as the words flowed from his lips. Once he hit a very exaggerated part, his head fell back as his eyes rolled behind his eyelids. Tongue exposed in his fully open mouth. The whole thing just seemed... orgasmic for him.  

The show came to an end and the floor became a hyped circle of chaos as everyone made their way from the stage. Some taking a seat and ordering drinks, some walking out toward the street and heading on their way. You take your original seat and start to scroll through the now project of narrowing down the good and the bad results of your attempt to capture the wild ride that just unfolded. A light tap of a finger on your shoulder made you jump as your focus flew from your screen. Josh was standing in front of you, a cigarette in his smile as he acknowledged your phone in your hand. He pulled the cigarette from his mouth with his index and middle finger, pointing it the screen. “D’ya get some good stuff?” You look back down to your phone and find a couple shots to show him. “They’re not the best, but I’m no expert. Just helping the owners with their social media a bit.”  

He takes the seat beside you at the table and grabs your phone, scrolling through the pictures for himself. The waitress from earlier approached the table again asking if you’d like another drink. Josh keeps his eyes on your phone as he orders some obscure drink and you order yourself another beer. “Huh, I like this one.” He turns the screen toward you to reveal a very provocative mirror selfie you’d recently taken in secret. A couple nights ago you'd gotten just a little wine drunk, or maybe a lot wine drunk, and threw on a hot outfit you’d been saving for your next rendezvous. The fishnets hugged your thighs, the tiny skirt sat on your hips revealing a little bit of your ass cheeks underneath, a very very small bra held your chest up, and your face... well you had been feeling yourself so your eyes read a very scandalous expression as your finger was held between your lips. You had definitely forgotten about it until this very moment.   

Your mouth hung open as you realized what was happening. Embarrassment filled your mind as you tried to come up with an excuse for it. But there was no excuse, you just felt hot as fuck. The fact that he even said anything sure was ballsy. And you liked it. “What’s your favorite film?” Josh’s eyes looked at you as if he was trying to test willingness to play along to a little game. He was trying to distract you now. He’s in control of this interaction and making it clear. Quietly you mumbled, “10 Things I Hate About You.” It feels like a trick to test his pretentiousness, but in all honesty, it was one of your top movies. He’d never know that truthfully though. “You’re fucking kidding me.” You can’t help but bust out laughing at his response. Not exactly what you expected but nonetheless, he did fall for your backfire to his game. “Nothing thought provoking?” You were ashamed to keep entertaining him but the fact that this specific man was giving you attention felt really good. “Fine, Donnie Darko.” Nodding his head with a fake impressed expression, he replies, “Okay, okay. Interesting.”  

You huffed at him with a look of disbelief. “What? Are you, like, reading me or something?” His eyebrows flew up his face at your attitude. He likes it.  “Actually, yes. You can learn a lot from someone’s favorite fantasy world. Who’s your favorite character?” You hesitate for a couple seconds before replying, “Honestly... Frank. He’s everywhere but not an actual physical being. Mysterious, in a kinda hot way. I feel like we’d get along. He could haunt me every day for the rest of my life and I'd never be scared. He’s... comforting? I dunno, I’m just rambling now.” A nervous giggle sneaks through your lips as you feel a hot blush falling across your cheeks.  

“Okay, Josh. What’s your favorite movie?” Without needing a second to think he replies, “The Shining. Really fucks with your head but it’s not real either. Seems we have something in common on that part.” The only thing in common if feels. A cunning smirk crept from his lips, immediately drawing your eyes in. He takes notice and swipes his tongue across his bottom lip and pulling it in for a light bite. At that point you don’t know how long you’ve been thirsting over his lips but you heart heavily beating through your chest pulled you back to reality. 

“So, I know you really don’t have that much experience in photography but I was thinking,” He seems to be genuine when asking the favor, “would you want to come take some pictures for our new album promotion? I kinda actually like the... rawness of your editing.” Now that actually felt like an insult, but you tell yourself he really didn’t mean it like that. “Give me your number, Frankie.” This name caught you by surprise. “Frankie?” He ignores the question and reaches his phone to you with the name already written into the contact. You typed your information in before handing it back to him. “Perfect! See ya soon, Frankie.” An effortless wink was your goodbye before he turned with his drink in hand to join his band mates at the bar.  

______________________________________________________________

Frankie’s Fishnets  

"Evil Side" - The Dirty Nil  

"Closer" - Nine Inch Nails  

“Tear You Apart” - She Wants Revenge 

"Want You Bad" - The Offspring  

"Animal" - Against Me! 

“MakeDamnSure” - Taking Back Sunday 

______________________________________________________________

That whole night and the couple following days were filled with thoughts of this man. He was so intimidating but calm about everything. It was hard to read him but you’d take your chances and trust him. After the picture fiasco, you weren’t quite sure what kind of relationship this was at this point. Josh had texted you earlier today about starting the shoot. You agreed and tried to set up a makeshift studio out of things you just had laying around. Your apartment was filled with whacky furniture and antique trinkets so it wasn’t hard to come up with the perfect space.  

“Here’s Joshy!” A loud enthusiastic voice announces his entrance as he walks into your front door after throwing it completely open. “Where’s the other guys?” Josh shrugs and heads directly to your fridge, scrounging around for something to drink. “They, uh, had other plans come up.” He pulls a beer from the shelf and cracks it open. A couple gulps and a sigh to follow fills the quiet air.  “Okay, so it’s just us?” He throws the beer back again before assuring, “Yep, just me and you. Alone.” Something about those words tells you he had a different idea in mind for your session tonight. “How am I supposed to get the whole band in the pictures if they’re not here?” He finishes the last couple drops of the beer and smashing the can in his hand. Your eyes stayed glued to the veins in his hand as he gripped the crushed aluminum. “Edit them in or something. I had another idea anyway. Interested?” Your eyebrows furrow to him in confusion.  

“Where’s your bathroom?” Nodding the direction to him, your mind instantly goes to horny thoughts you’d had over the days he stayed spiraling in and out of your mind. You fought with yourself over what kind of lover he’d be. Was he the type that always wanted to be in charge? But then maybe he was the one to switch roles. He liked it when you snapped his attitude back to him.  Maybe he likes to be told what to do every now and then. Either way, he just seemed like a tease. “Frankie!” Your new name was being called not from the bathroom, but from your bedroom at the end of the hall.  

You walk in to see Josh rummaging through your closet. You make your way to him fast and smoothly slide between him and the door. “What do you think you’re doing?!” He moves back from you and answers, “Well, I was looking for something for you to wear. It’s part of the new project.” Standing in complete shock with your hands still spread across the doorway, you can’t help but scoff, “What’s the project?” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small bottle of a red thick liquid. Before you could even ask another question, he pulls his shirt above his head and tosses it to the side of the room. He snaps open the bottle and begins pouring its contents over his tattoo covered skin. It drips around the gold chain resting against his collar bones. The shock on your face couldn’t be hidden while he holds the bottle out to you, “Kinda like spray it on the wall behind me so it looks like I just slashed someone to death.”  

“Josh, what the fuck is that?!” A laugh bellows from his chest as he swipes a finger across his chest gathering the glistening drops then sliding the finger into his mouth. “Relax, Frankie. Corn syrup and food dye. Like blood in the movies.” He grabs your hand and pours a couple droplets from the bottle onto your finger before bringing it to your mouth. His eyes catch yours and don’t let go as you pulled your lips apart slightly for him to give you a taste. It was sweet and sticky just like you imagined. “I already found it by the way.” He said as he let go of your wrist. Your eyebrows are again showing your confusion. “Found what?” He looks over your shoulder and tilts his head toward your bed. The outfit you had on in the picture he saw the night at the venue was laying neatly atop your bedding.  

“Listen, the idea is we’re a blood thirsty fucked up couple. We get off on the kill.” You couldn’t take your eyes off the very small amount of cloth laying in front of you. Outside you tried to make yourself seem offended that he would even assume you’d play a part in this. Inside, you know better. Your head was spinning with excitement. “And you want me to be a part of this? What does this have to do with your band?” His eyes studied you up and down. You felt like an innocent prey staring into the eyes of the predator. “This is for, uh, my personal works. Nothing to do with the band. Just art.” Just art. You repeated it in your head thinking it over.  

“Put it on.” He walked to the bed and held the outfit out to you still on the hanger. “Fuck off, Josh. I’m not going to model half naked for you.” That was a lie and you knew it. In fact, you had already day dreamed about it... multiple times.  “I said put it on, Y/N.” This time his voice wasn’t playful, he was demanding. He wasn’t using your nickname anymore. He left the room then you heard the front door open and close. You weren’t sure how long until he’d be back, if he was coming back, but this was something you wanted. All those day dreams and questions you’d asked yourself are minutes away from being answered. You slipped out of your clothes, laying them neatly on the bed to replace the outfit Josh had handed to you. Your reflection in the mirror this time didn’t look like you. A sinister woman was staring back.  

The top was barely tied to your chest when he returned, a camera and tripod in hand. He didn’t react to your pretty much naked body in front of him. This did make you a little insecure, so naturally you pulled some of your hair over your shoulder to hide at least a little bit. “I brought this so it’d be a little easier to use with both of us as the subjects. I’m gonna set a timer on it and it’s really just going to be easier to film and take stills from the video for editing.” You nod at him like you had any understanding what he was talking about. Really the only thing you could focus on was his hands wrapped around the camera while he changed the settings. The way his fingers flex with every button he pushed.  

“Let’s do this.” He slapped his hands together before walking toward the direction the camera pointed. For the first time since he walked into the room, he looked at you. Nodding to himself in approval with an evil grin. “I’m going to do a couple with just myself and then you can jump in when you’re ready, okay?” You return the nod to him in agreement. Something about him changed before your eyes. He became a character, somebody else. It was fascinating watching his posing and behaviors like you weren’t even there. It made sense why his favorite movie was about a man with some kind of separate personality. You weren’t in the room anymore, just him and whoever he was pretending to be. He was so good at it, you felt yourself trying to cower down and hide. Suddenly as you started to move back farther from him, his eyes fell your direction. Pupils fully dilated.  

He steps closer to you while admiring all of you again. His eyes this time told you he would devour you in a second if you just gave him the word. “Josh... we’re supposed to be working.” A hand fell onto your exposed waist, the other brushed your hair behind your shoulder. A little sting sends a chill down your body as his teeth took a soft bite of the flesh he just cleared for himself. His lips brushed across your neck before stopping at your ear lobe.  “All work and no play makes Josh a dull boy.” Your head fell backward while his nose pressed into your neck as he laid kiss after kiss on your skin. You couldn’t help but focus on the cold sensation of his septum ring against your hot skin. His hands snaked their way down your back to each grab a handful of your ass pulling you closer to him.  

His chest pressed against yours smothering you in the fake blood he’d poured onto himself. It was definitely making a mess that was going to be hard to clean. “Tell me what you want.” His voice between lips meeting against your skin just feels so right. You purr to him involuntarily as your worrying mind is no longer in the pilot’s seat. You didn’t even realize one of his hands had left their place to grip into your hair and pull back, eyes shooting open to see into his. “Tell me what you want.” He repeats himself again through clenched teeth. You smirk at him mockingly while looking through your eyelashes devilishly challenging him. He slips his fingers into the holes of your fishnet tights and rips them open, causing you to jump at the unwarranted action. “You really don’t listen, do you? That’s gonna get you into some trouble.”  

The hand holding onto your hair let go before he grabbed the strings of your top, releasing your breasts from the fabric as it fell between your bodies. His eyes glanced down to them while he pushed you back to the bed and sitting you down. “Give me your hands.” You held your arms out to him while he wrapped the strings around your wrists, tying them tight. The movements of his hands were ingrained into your memory. He stood at the edge of the bed and undid his pants, pulling himself free. Another image stored into your brain. “You look like an angel covered in that blood, Y/N. Too good for me.” He was teasing you but it was turning you on. You didn’t want to wait for his next instructions so you wrapped your bound hands around it and started rubbing it slowly, looking up to him for approval. He grabs your jaw and pulls your mouth closer. “Open.” You do as he says and open your lips, sliding your tongue out to him. You expected him to slide his cock in but instead he bends over you, looking directly into your eyes, and spits right into your mouth.  

“On your knees, ass up.” You did as he told while guided himself to the entrance between your legs. Sliding in just a little bit in and pulling completely out, forced a moan of frustration from your throat. “Now, tell me what you want.” You can’t ignore his demand this time. You were completely under him and willing to obey his every command. “I want you to...” He pushed himself a little more this time. “Fuck... I want you to destroy me.” It came out as a whisper but he heard you clear. Exactly what he wanted to hear. He went all the way in this time, making your mouth fly open and eyes squeeze shut. Your body adjusted to him the first couple of thrusts before he told you, “I love to see your ass bouncing against my cock, fuck!” He smacked his hand across it before grabbing your hips to pound himself deeper into you. 

 Your head flew back from the force every time his hips hit against your backside. You can’t manage to hide your moans anymore as they turned more into screams of satisfaction. His hand ran up your back pushing you further into the mattress until it snaked around your throat. He gripped tightly using it to pull you back against his chest. Hot breath hit against your neck as he dug his teeth into your shoulder. He was destroying your pussy and your mind. There’s no way you’d ever forget this man. He awakened something inside of you. The way he tightened and loosened his hold on your throat had you dizzy. Your body was filling with heat and ready to burst with him deep inside of you. That fucking sweet spot he hit over and over again was driving you to the release you needed. “God damn, Y/N. You’re fucking shaking with my cock buried in that soaking wet pussy.” His voice was quivering as he spoke in your ear. He was folding into you just as much as you were into him. Your hands still tied together fell between your thighs, massaging your clit to match his movement.  

You reached the point you couldn’t take anymore. Your eyes rolled back as your body stiffened. Everything around you was dissolving. A warm wet liquid coated both of your legs… and his. “Fuck yes.” He growled at you. Your pussy clenched around his cock over and over until he let you go to fall forward on the bed. He held himself over your ass and pumped until his cum was coating your back. A string of moans fell from his mouth while he finished draining himself. You lay on your stomach twitching in ecstasy as he laid onto his back next to you.  

“I’ve never done that before.” You admitted softly to him, moving your face from his direction. “It was so fucking hot, Frankie. You don’t even know.” He laughed off your embarrassment, pushing his hair back from his sweat and fake blood covered face. “Josh... Why me?” He was quiet for a couple minutes before letting out a heavy sigh, “Dunno. Something told me you’d be fun to play with.” He rolled to the side of the bed and stood to walk out of the room. The sound of the shower knob squeaking on let you know his time with you tonight was done. Time to wash the sheets.  

______________________________________________________________

Fear |—| Love 

"I Believe in a Thing Called Love" - The Darkness  

"Girl All the Bad Guys Want" - Bowling For Soup 

“Possum Kingdom” - Toadies 

“Hands Down” - Dashboard Confessional 

“Last Of The American Girls” - Green Day 

“Everlong” - Foo Fighters 

______________________________________________________________

The following weeks after the first hook up consisted of meet ups for pleasure and pain. It was hard to tell yourself to not catch feelings when he made you feel this way. He made you feel wanted but not at the same time. He was addicting. It was confusing but you were trapped under his spell. Every time he looked into your eyes with his dark caramel gaze you melted into him over and over again. You had memorized every tattoo he had and could trace them with your eyes closed. You knew everything that makes him tick and everything he dreamed of having. Well, sexually that is. He refused to open up to you, but his eyes always told you the truth even if his lips always lied.  

At first it did start out as some kind of kinky sex. Something he fantasized and wanted to play out. Over time it felt like he considered your needs more. He still played out his ideas but also started asking you what you wanted instead of only demands. ‘No kissing. No cuddling. No staying the night.’ Those were the rules. It was confusing in the beginning but that’s what he wanted. And you wanted him.  

Somehow between all the action, you’d managed to squeeze in time to actually get photos of the band all together. Josh had shown you some tricks to get the look he wanted for the promotional flyers. It wasn’t as hard as you thought it’d be but he always made it seem so easy. Everything was easy for him. When the other guys were around, you were just a fellow photographer. When it was just the two of you, you were his in every sense. Easy for him to pretend even if it wasn’t for you.  

Sometimes you couldn’t help yourself trying to keep his attention when his friends were around. You would stand as close to him as you could without him pushing you away, grazing the back of your hand across his when you walked next to him, catching his eyes for a second too long before he would look away. Today was the day to show them the final prints and edits. You spread them across the table as they looked through and commented on how much they loved them. Josh sent you a wink as you smiled proudly to him beside you.  

You wrapped your arm around his waist and pulled him to you for kiss on his cheek. “What do you think you’re doing?” His response sent your whole body stiff with confusion. “I- I thought you wanted me to.” He pulled you to the side of the room and looked back and forth between your eyes before whispering so nobody else could hear, “Look, I don’t know what you think this is, but it’s not it. We’re not a thing. I was just having fun.” There it was. Everything you felt was going on but denied yourself because it’s not what you wanted. “I don’t understand.” His eyes looked sad but yet he stood his ground. “I think you should leave. Now.” The other people in the room had caught onto the scene and awkwardly stood around the table. A fire of rage started to fill your body as you finally caught onto his game. This was the plan the whole time. He just wanted to use and dump you when he won.  

“What about the pictures? You don’t want them?” You throw the prints at him sending them flying around the room. “I don’t need your fucking help, Frankie. I’m used to handling things on my own.” he growled at you. He turned away leaving you to talk to the back of his head, his attention was no longer going to be for you. “Don’t fucking call me that, you fucking asshole!” Thumping in your chest took over your body the more you thought about it. Stomach in a tight knot as your mouth watered with sickness. Eyes filling with flooded waters waiting for the dam to break and set them free. Lungs heavy and collapsing with every releasing breath. Your heart ached. That was it. You were done.  

______________________________________________________________ 

SUCK A FUCK 

“Self Esteem” - The Offspring 

“Your Sword Versus My Dagger” - Silverstein 

“Change” - Deftones 

“Buried Myself Alive” - The Used 

“Inside Out” - Eve 6 

“You’re Cute When You Scream” - Senses Fail 

______________________________________________________________ 

A couple weeks had passed and there was an event your venue was holding at an employee’s house. You pulled up to the party not knowing exactly how to feel. In a way, it was good to get out and enjoy your friends again, but part of you just missed the rush he gave you. You didn’t know if he’d be here but the chances were high considering he’s now included into the local music scene. He can just walk around and live his normal life socializing and doing all the things he wants without a second thought. No regrets according to him. How was it so easy for him? So easy to just pretend like nothing happened. Like you didn’t mean anything to him. As much as you wanted to believe it wasn’t true, the reality of your different lives proves itself.  

The house was filled with conversation and loud music from the speakers. You made your way to the table with all the liquor set out and pour yourself a hefty glass of vodka, soda, and a few limes. After a couple gulps of the strong mix, you made a path around through the groups of people standing around. Once you got to the middle of the party, you heard a familiar voice followed by loud laughter. Your head whipped in his direction to see him surrounded by some music industry people and friends. It hurt to see how happy he was, or pretending to be.  

The liquor was starting to hit when you realized you had no idea how much time passed with you watching him. You needed a distraction and found your way to the area with people dancing around. There was a man there you thought you’d have no chance with. However, Josh had given you the courage you lacked in the past. You walked to him smiling before turning your back into him and grinding. His hand fell at your hip and your free hand found the back of his head, pulling him into you. The room was spinning as you downed the rest of your drink and stumbled around with the new man. You closed your eyes and leaned back into him before he spun you to face him. His lips were now pressed on yours, aggressively moving around them. “No thank you.” Your hands pushed against his chest to pull away but he wasn’t taking the hint.   

You tried to walk away but a hand on your wrist pulled you back to him. “C’mon, babe. You came to me.” His breath against your ear didn’t feel the same as Josh’s. He didn’t make you melt. He didn’t give you goosebumps from excitement. He was just some man. You shook your head at him as you stumbled away the second time. “Fuck you, cunt!” The only response you could give in your current drunken state was to look him in the eye and flip him the bird. “Don’t fucking talk to her like that!” No way. No way that was the voice of the man that ran through your head every single day. You faced the direction it was coming from to see Josh coming in inches from the man’s face. “Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?” Not even a second could go by after he finished the question before Josh’s fist was planted into the nose of his challenger. He fell to the floor and held his face as blood began pouring from the wound.  

Josh turned and rushed toward you, reaching his arm over your shoulder to guide you out the front door. “Oh, now you want to show me affection in front of people? I bet you’re so turned on by the blood, huh?” Your words were barely coherent when he opened his passenger door to his car and basically laid you into the seat. He walked to the driver side and slammed his door shut, jamming the keys into the ignition. “Where are you taking me, Joshy? Taking me to use and toss to the side? Hidden away for when you need a quick nut?” You were spitting your insults to his face but he remained unphased, other than his jaw clenching shut to keep whatever he had to say behind his teeth.  

By the time he pulled into your drive way, you’d long been passed out. You were in and out of conscience while he picked you up from the seat and carried you to the front door. He reached in your bag, pulling out the bundle of keys, and fumbled around the find the right one. As soon as it was open, he headed straight for your bedroom and laid you on the mattress. Your shoes were tossed on the floor before he pulled back your comforter and tucked you underneath. His hand brushed your hair softly from your face before he disappeared.  

______________________________________________________________

when the world will end 

“The Reason” - Hoobastank 

“Have Faith In Me” - A Day to Remember 

“I Miss You” - blink-182 

“Iris” - The Goo Goo Dolls 

“How’s It Going to Be” - Third Eye Blind 

______________________________________________________________

Your head was pounded when you woke up. The rain falling against your window was unbearably loud and made you extremely nauseated. But not as nauseated as you felt sitting in the bottom of your shower, attempting to wash off the bad night, and remembering Josh coming to your rescue. You don’t remember all of it, in fact you only remember a few things. The guy, the blood, and you screaming in Josh’s face. Next thing you knew, you woke up in your bed feeling like your head and heart were going to explode out of your body.  

You picked up your phone and dialed his number expecting it to go straight to voicemail. The ringing stopped and before he could answer you asked him, “Why did you save me?” He sighed heavily into the phone. “Just because I’m the bad guy to you doesn’t mean I am a bad guy.” That was an answer you weren’t expecting. A long silence followed before another reply from him, “That guy isn't good for you. Shit Y/N, even I would be better for you and I’m the bad guy here.” You finally tried to move on and it failed. He was right, to you he was the bad guy. But you felt he wasn’t being completely honest with his feelings either. ‘I would be better for you’? What does he even mean by that? He’s the one that left you crushed and putting yourself back together with no answers.  

“Josh, he was just some random guy at a party. We weren’t there together.” Another long silence. You looked at your phone to make sure he was still on the call to see the timer still going. Minutes passed before he said anything. “Can I come see you?” You hesitated an answer but you wanted to hear what he had to say. Maybe he could explain what happened in detail for him to act like that. Or maybe he was just going to manipulate his way back into your life. At this point, who knows what goes on in that man’s mind? You surely didn’t.  

Most of the anxious thoughts in your mind were probably from the little bit of hangover left, but you did feel sick at the thought of seeing him face to face again. Before he’d gotten there you made yourself some food you probably wouldn’t keep down, taken more ibuprofen than you should have, and down as much water you could manage. The longer you waited, the sadder you felt. It was lonely sitting there in your thoughts. Hours passed until you heard a light knock on the front door. You stood there knowing he was on the other side but not knowing the outcome. A deep breath and you opened the door. He didn’t give you a chance to say anything before he started explaining everything.  

“All of this time I had myself convinced it was just me. I was supposed to be there for myself and never rely on anybody else. Nobody to help me see the small things around me and appreciate them, or make me think about how the way I act really affects the people I care about. I always said it’s not my problem how they react, that’s their problem. But that’s not true Y/N. You made me realize all of these things. I hurt you. I really hurt you. And I don’t know if I can forgive myself for that. You made me scared. I started having feelings that I couldn’t believe were real until I met you.” Seeing him standing in front of you was hard. You made yourself look into his eyes as tears finally started streaming from yours. They were empathetic and polite. Something you’d never seen from him before. He says he was scared of you but you felt he was the one to be scared of. As much as you wanted to hate him, you couldn’t. He just keeps you wrapped around his finger no matter how much you tried to let it go.  

He starts to take a step toward you but you flinch backwards. “Fuck!” He yells grabbing his head in frustration. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I just- I'm gonna go.” As much as you hated how he treated you, you knew it wasn’t really how he felt. Everything he just admitted to you was real. You felt it. You just needed him to say it himself. Without realizing the rain had started again, you started running after him barefoot through the wet mud and grass of the yard. He heard you coming after him and caught you in his arms. Your head fell against his shoulder and your legs wrapped around his waist. “Frankie, I’m so sorry I hurt you.” he mumbled into your shoulder. His arms held you tight as the rain fell harder. You didn’t care.  

______________________________________________________________

That was a compliment. 

“Fade Into You” - Mazzy Star 

“Tonight, Tonight” - The Smashing Pumpkins 

“Slide” - The Goo Goo Dolls 

“Got You (Where I Want You) - The Flies 

“Just Like Heaven” - The Cure 

______________________________________________________________

He had ended up carrying you through the front door again, this time you would remember the whole thing. Soaked clothes and skin sticking together as he let you down back onto your feet. He pushed the wet strands of hair from your cheek before sliding his hands around your jaw. You finally felt his kiss. Soft lips giving you the words he wasn’t able to speak. Everything he’d held back the entire time. He was scared you were the one going to leave, this time he wasn’t letting go. His mouth followed yours as you pulled back only to relieve yourself of your dripping wet shirt. It hit the floor with a splat when it fell from your fingertips. He watched closely as you reached for the hem of his to follow the same actions. You hadn’t bothered to put on a bra, as this whole interaction wasn’t expected for today’s agenda.  

You reached your hand for his. He smiled grabbing it softly and following you to your familiar bedroom. Your hands untied your pajama pants and slid them down your legs, tossing them to the side with a kick of your foot. “You’re so beautiful.” He took in your whole figure, appreciating every small detail. Every freckle and scar. Every crease and dip. It was hard to not smile at his admiration. You knelt down before him onto your knees and unbuttoned his pants, sliding them down his legs until he stepped out of them. You wrapped your hands around his dick and kissed the head softy. The way he looked at you was not the same. His eyes were soft and kind, full of love.  

You stood and led him to the bed, pushing him lightly to lay down. He slid back against the pillows and watched as you crawled to join him, throwing a leg over his side and straddling him. His hands fell onto your hips while you situated yourself. You cupped your hands around his face, leaning in to kiss him again. His fingertips laced up your back while he pulled you into him. Tasting him was now your favorite sensation. Every move he made was delicate and light. No rush to get things finished. He moved down to your nipple, licking a couple times before sucking it between his lips. His tongue swiped it causing your clit to start throbbing at the feeling. You hum to him, “That feels so good, Joshy.” He curls his lips into a small smile at the praise.  

His hand slips down your thigh and back up to your hip before moving down to your core. He swipes his thumb over your very sensitive clit while looking up to you for a reaction, mouth still latched onto your breast. Your hands wrap around his head holding him closer to your chest as he massages you. Warm fuzzy feelings rush through your veins as your first orgasm comes. You squeeze your eyes shut as your head falls back in pleasure, letting small gasps escape your lungs. Your hips rutted craving him inside. He lets your nipple free with a pop and reaches between the two of you, centering himself below you. You lean forward resting your forehead against his and staring into his eyes again. Sliding down inch by inch adjusting to him slowly. He places his hands on your ass helping you find your pace, grinding yourself down onto him.  

You find your lips back on his, tongue swiping them open and inviting him inside. Your hips start moving fast chasing the high you were so close to finding. Moans filled the air with the sound of the rain against the window. Nothing else mattered anymore. You and him were together and it was everything you thought it would be. He was finally inviting you into the real him, not just the act he put on to protect himself from the rest of the world. He was soft, caring, and considerate. Even if the ride was wild, the result was worth it in the end. You could see it.  

The feeling was building up inside of you again. The waves of electricity flowed through your body once more. “Look at me.” He could feel you pulsing around him as his own orgasm began to follow yours. You open your eyes to gaze into his, eyebrows furrowed in pleasure. “Please come for me, Y/N.” Shaking and grabbing onto his arms, you finished for the second time. He let go after you staring into your soul, it felt. Your body relaxed onto him as he held you tight. “I love you, Frankie.” he whispered to you. The words caught you by surprise as you tried to catch your breath, heart beating hard in your chest. You were scared to say it back but it felt so natural, no more thinking needed. “I love you, too.” Both of you stayed that way for a bit. Taking everything in, raw emotions hanging in the room. You didn’t need to say anything. He put a hand on your shoulder and push back, then sliding your hair from your face. “We should probably take a shower now, huh?” You nodded to him with a smile. 

[peachyysugaa]

troublemaker

― dancer youtubers!lee heeseung x gn!dance major!reader

sparks fly when the top two dancers on youtube collab!

genre: slow-burn fluff, s2l

wc: 3.9k (omg i'm sorry) + 2 twitter pics

warnings: probably some wrong dance terminology, slightly suggestive (the dance is just 😳), short timeskip, it's cheesy please bear with me

part of my youtuber enhypen series, the fifth upload! feel free to read on its own~ ♞──────────────────────────♞

you finish off your last move with your arms wide open, your chest heaving up and down from lack of breath. smiling nevertheless, you know you absolutely love the feeling of getting your breath taken away after dancing because you know it meant you did your best. you walk towards the camera lens and peek at the comments through your open laptop.

"did you all enjoy that?" you ask breathlessly grinning. the flooding comments are filled with compliments from your cover of nct u's boss. however, one comment, in particular, caught your eye as others seemed to reply to it.

heeseung ✔ 2s ago wow that was amazing do you wanna do a collab sometime? 😊

line break insurance you've failed me 5x already

your eyes widen as you let out a gasp. "is that the lee heeseung?" you accidentally say out loud. you wince at the realization of your mistake. the comments are both praising you for your success in getting noticed by the other top dancer on youtuber and relating to your remark.

heeseung ✔ 3s ago haha yes it's me dm me if you want to hear more about it 🤍

"oh wow... this is really cool..." you state before blinking to get you out of your stupor. "well everyone, that's going to be all for y/n's motion of dance today! thank you so much for tuning in, love you!"

you wave goodbye for a few more moments and then shut off the broadcast, closing your laptop as soon as you do. you blink twice and suddenly let out a scream.

you stop with a gasp and cover your mouth with your hands because you cannot believe you forgot that your dance studio isn't the most soundproof of places. "sorry, other dance students..." you whisper to them but more for yourself.

taking a look around your escape, your passion, you can't believe you've made it to where you are, being praised as one of the top dancers on such a vast social media platform like youtube. if anything, you guess it runs in your family, after all, you are related to choi yeonjun, who is considered 4th gen's it boy.

though people were skeptical of you at first when you came on the youtube scene as a dancer after your older brother started taking more to modeling and acting, you quickly proved them wrong by showing them your talent and bloomed from then on. of course, you can't forget to mention the person who skyrocketed just around the same time as you.

and that was the aforementioned lee heeseung. you sigh as you finish packing up your clothes and things to head back to your dorm, glancing out the window to see the sun beginning to set. it seems today was a rare early finish for you.

"i could go for a coffee... i need to finish my classics essay anyway," you mumble to yourself, throwing your bag over your shoulder before hitting the showers and changing into a more casual set of clothes. the finishing touch is a baseball cap that sits snug on your head. tightening the strap on the back and grabbing your backpack and dance bag, you finally take your leave of your beloved dance studio and return the key on the way out. fresh air meets your face, allowing you to take a whiff of the cherry blossoms that have been blooming for a month or so as you make your way to the campus café.

ding ding, the coffee shop's calm doorbell welcomes you as your nose is hit by the sweet smells of freshly ground coffee beans. "welcome!" one of the servers calls at the counter, smiling at your figure that walks closer to order. "what can i get you?"

"hi, may i have..." you scan the menu quickly for a familiar drink. "a honey cinnamon iced latte please?"

"of course, name please?"

"choi y/n," you reply.

if they recognize you, they don't make any notion of it, simply scribbling your name on the plastic cup as you make your payment. you're grateful for the normal interaction and the peacefulness of the café, especially after a surprising stream. "i'll call you when your order's ready, choi y/n-ssi," they inform you with a warm grin.

"thank you," you smile back before going to find a seat. spotting a relatively private area close by with only a pair of boys sitting at the booth, you decide to take the booth two spaces away from them. one boy, you notice, sits taller than the other, but his face is covered by a baseball cap. the other looks like a freshman, his cheeks accentuated by a pair of deep dimples.

as you take your seat, you can't help but think the boy with dimples looks rather familiar but can't seem to place your finger on it. shrugging, you simply begin preparing to write your essay by taking out your laptop and notes from your classics ge. the moment you finish is when you hear your name being called.

"choi y/n-ssi, your honey cinnamon iced latte," the server's voice calls. on your way to receive your awaiting drink, you can finally hear the voices of the two boys sitting two booths down from you.

"did your crush just say choi y/n?" the one with the hat says.

'yes, that's me,' you think to yourself nonchalantly.

"weren't you just watching their stream, heeseung hyung?" another voice says as you pick up your latte and thank the server.

wait, heeseung? as in lee heeseung? it's when you turn around with your drink in hand that you notice the two males looking straight at you. now you're able to make out the features of the boy with the cap, and there's no mistaking it.

"lee heeseung?" you mutter out loud at the same time he speaks out yours.

well, maybe that wasn't what you were expecting today, but hey, life is full of surprises, even if they are one after the other for you. after that unexpected encounter, you and heeseung acquainted yourselves, he invited you to sit with them, and now you're sitting at their table, awkwardly sipping on your latte.

"right, so should i leave?" the other boy, who you found out is studytuber and vlogger yang jungwon (which is why he looked familiar to you), blurts out. you chuckle as heeseung shakes his shoulder lightly. "what? you two clearly have to talk about something, i need to study."

"yea, yea, lover boy. make sure you say bye to your crush on the way out," the male dancer teases, causing the younger one to turn bright red.

"don't call me that, hyung," he mutters before picking up his bag and leaving the booth. sure enough, you watch as jungwon passes by the counter and erupts into a nervous mess the moment the server beams at him.

"ah... so he likes them?" you think out loud.

"yup, it's been almost four months now. i'm the reason he even knows this cafe and that server exists," heeseung mentions, making you nod courteously. he turns his attention back to you with his hand placed under his chin. "but their relationship is besides the point. let's talk about us."

"d-did you have to put it that way?" the forwardness catches you off-guard, and you suddenly have a harder time swallowing a sip of your coffee.

"sorry," he says with a teasing smile. "i just think the collab i mentioned would be good for both of us, and it'll be really fun too."

"i agree, people who like you will come to me and vice versa," you nod. "but do you know what we would be dancing to?"

"so does that mean you're in?" he asks, smile starting to grow on his face. wordlessly, you roll your eyes and hold out your hand for him to shake. that's when his full smile comes out, causing your cheeks to heat up as you think about how much more handsome it makes him look. taking your hand, heeseung shakes it with his vigorously. "alright, dance partner, we have a deal."

after much deliberation and research, the two of you finally agree on troublemaker by the duo hyuna and hyunseung. heeseung suggested this song, stating that he always wanted to do the choreo with somebody and that it's destiny that both males have a name that starts with h and ends with seung. quite frankly, it's not like you could find much anyway, besides some cool music bank mc stages, it is cool that troublemaker was originally an opposite-gender duo in the korean entertainment industry.

the choreography however is an entirely different story. at many points, hyuna's body is touched by hyunseung and vice versa, but if they can do it and stay professional, then you believe you can too. besides, dancing will always be just dancing. heeseung also assures you that if you want, the two of you can just have your hands hovering, which makes you feel relieved to have an understanding partner.

hours pass by, and you and heeseung decide to meet at your usual dance studio daily after all your classes, which wasn't hard because he also frequented the same one.

"i still can't believe we attend the same university," you say aloud as the both of you pack up your laptops and supplies.

"i know right, you would think one of us would recognize the dance studio we go to 24/7, right?" he laughs. "although, i've seen you use a different one sometimes."

"do you really watch my covers and streams often?" you ask baffled. he and you wave the workers goodbye and make your way to the brisk evening air waiting outside as the staff sends you off.

"i do, is that so hard to believe?"

"a little," you reply sheepishly.

"well, let me walk you to your dorm and prove to you how much of a choi y/n stan i am," he boasts, and you let yourself laugh freely as you walk beside him to your destination.

it's strange, knowing a famous youtuber you watched also knew and followed you, but then again, you're not exactly nobody either. when heeseung drops you off, he admits that he actually lives a few floors above you and that you two can walk home together after each rehearsal. it's even stranger, knowing a famous youtuber literally has been on your campus, in the same dorm building as you, and this whole time, the two of you have both been clueless as to the other's existence as an ordinary college student.

speaking of which, he can't be a dance major, right? otherwise, you would've already seen him! these thoughts keep you tossing and turning to the point you don't register when you fell asleep. when you wake up, you feel as if you didn't get any sleep at all, but get up and ready nevertheless, going through another regular day as a dance major.

by the time your classes are over, you walk out of the studio yawning about to stop by your dorm to freshen up and maybe fit in a nap. you're holding a hand over your mouth mid-yawn when a voice starts talking to you.

"good thing i stopped by to get coffee." you open your eyes and close your mouth to see lee heeseung holding two cups of coffee. he's dressed in an oversized white shirt and grey sweatpants, a common dance practice outfit, so why is your heart skipping so many beats. "yo, choi y/n."

"heeseung," you say, still shocked. he hands you the coffee, which is actually the same flavor you got yesterday. "thanks."

"no problem," he replies coolly. "maybe we should take a break before we get to it?"

"i'll be fine, how about we can start watching the choreo?"

"they're always ready to dance," he nods with an impressed smile. "as expected of a dance major."

the two of you walk inside and book a studio for a few hours as you raise an eyebrow at him. "wait, what major are you?"

"music production."

"that makes so much sense!" you say relieved, stepping into the studio room for the umpteenth time. "i was racking my brains wondering what major you were."

"so the famous choi y/n is curious about me?" he smirks. you groan and facepalm in response. "i'm kidding, i'm kidding. let's watch the video on my tablet?"

nodding, the two of you watch carefully, eyes glued to the screen at your respective roles. you hold your breath at some touchy parts but also notice that both idols were able to shine in their solos.

"a few tweaks here and there, and it'll be perfect," heeseung comments once the video is over. "but let's go over some boundaries, yeah? let me know what you're comfortable with and what you're not."

"right," you agree, once again relieved to have such a safe and understanding partner like him. "well, i think i'm okay with you touching my arms, shoulders, and hips like hyunseung did to hyuna. i just need some time to get used to it."

"alright, that sounds good," he says nodding with a hand under his chin. "then for today, i'll just hover my hands over the places they need to be."

"what a gentleman," you tease.

he rolls his eyes playfully at you. "let's start marking."

and so that's what the two of you start on. with the video on the tablet, you go through the motions with the speed lowered, eventually picking up more moves until you're able to follow at the normal speed. as expected of the top two dancers on youtube, the two of you are quick on observing and learning the dance and get done with basic marking within 20 minutes or so.

after marking, you take a quick water break to watch the video again in full detail, officially beginning your first real practice. as promised, throughout the entirety of marking, heeseung has kept his hands to himself, but you've become comfortable enough to have him do a little more.

before you start practicing for real, you decide to speak with him. "hee," you call him as he puts down his water bottle.

"hm?" he confirms that you have his attention, looking up with his large doe-like eyes while wiping his mouth off from some excess water.

"uhm.." you fidget with your top a little before mustering up some courage. "you can do light touches now for the choreo."

"really? are you sure?" you nod at his question, causing him to come up to you and ruffle your hair lightly. you bat his hands away with a pout, smoothing out the mess he made as he laughs at you. "that's great, y/n," he says with a bright smile, unknowingly making your heart beat a little faster as you nod again. in your head, you rush to cover up the physical reaction with an excuse that it's just from the amount of exercise you've done.

the two of you stand in front of the mirror, ready to go. before the music starts, heeseung turns to you and says, "just let me know if i make you uncomfortable at all."

"i'll be fine," you reassure him with a small smile. that's when the song begins, and the sparks start to fly. every move flowed like water, yet every touch between the two of you was like electricity as if the two elements were working together instead of fighting. even though the touches are light, they still put chills up your spine, in a way that you can only describe with the phrase "meant to happen."

was fate moving its course to put this match together, or were you imagining it? you're not sure, but you grin while catching your breath once the first practice is over. falling to the floor softly, you sit with your hands splayed behind you and let out a relieved sigh. "ahh... dancing is so... great!"

heeseung chuckles at your reaction and offers a hand to get you up. "i'm glad you think that because we got a lot more practice ahead of us, partner."

"yup!" you say with a widening smile. the moment you took his hand, you felt an electric jolt that almost made you let go. getting up, you shake it off and barely catch the expression on your dance partner's face. "is something the matter?"

he blinks a bit before he's shaking his head with that charming smirk of his. "nope! let's practice!"

practice, practice, practice. that's how the next few hours go. and just like the day before, heeseung walks you to your dorm building, this time the conversation about how excited the two of you are for the recording.

that's basically how the next four or so days go, now that heeseung came into your life. your daily routine of wake up, eat, class, dance, repeat was shaken by him, because now he was a part of it. it's an indescribable feeling, hanging out with him. the best word, or phrase actually, is the same one you used while dancing with him: meant to be.

so when you finally get to the day of recording, you almost don't want it to end. at least, that's what you're telling your best friend and makeup artist, kim sunoo.

"friend, you're telling me that you and this guy have been following along to..." he tells you to look up as he curls your eyelashes. "a dance like that for four days and you've been getting shocks this whole time?"

"i mean, yeah?"

"y/n, i love you, but you're missing a little something, aren't you?"

"wha-!?"

"pucker up, sweetie, we're making your lips look kissable," sunoo commands. you do an eye-roll but do as he says. "if you don't ask him out or do something by the end of this, you can at least kiss your best shot at a boyfriend goodbye with luscious lips."

he finishes applying the color and asks you to rub your lips together and make that pop sound. "perfect," your best friend compliments. "go out there and get your mans."

"thank you, sunoo!" you say, gazing at your reflection in the mirror and loving the way he accentuated your features. "by the way, you're all talk. you should ask your celebrity crush out when they appear on your channel."

"i'll get there when i get there!" he whines and starts pushing you out of his dorm room. "just go get 'em, tiger."

with that, you make your way to the dance studio where heeseung is waiting for you, dressed in hyunseung's iconic suit with the leopard-patterned blazer. your heart quickens, seeing how much more handsome he looks dressed up, hair slicked back and some makeup done. he looks up upon hearing the door open and his mouth slightly hangs open as well.

the both of you are silent as you approach him, in your equally bedazzling outfit, sheer to mimic hyuna's stage dress. "you look amazing," the two of you say at the same time. stunned at the simultaneous sentence, you two immediately start guffawing at how this was unlike your usual interactions.

"that was so awkward!" you blurt out, unable to contain your laughter.

"yea, not like us at all," he admits while he wipes a stray tear from laughing too hard away. smiling at each other, you admire the way his eyes reflect your image and sparkle. "you ready to get this show on the road."

"ready as i'll ever be." the two of you get into your positions on the opposite ends of the room, and heeseung starts the camera and the music soon after. you take each step slowly to meet him in the middle as he takes your hand and brings it up to his lips to give it a kiss while smirking. you keep your face professional as the two of you take a few steps forward, the back of his fingers curled over the front of yours.

starting back-to-back, you walk forward a bit before the beat drops and heeseung's part begins. you're on autopilot as you dance your fingers from his chest to his shoulders, and then the chorus comes. hips swaying, you're able to feel his hands' light taps on your body as the two of you lose yourself to the music you've danced to hundreds of times this week.

then, it's your killing part as you lipsync hyuna's rap and take bold steps around heeseung's body, ending up behind him to bring your hands over his shoulders and make a scratching movement across his chest. you step towards his side, do your thing, and walk away as if playing hard to get.

you wait for his part during the bridge and make a side glance towards him before moving towards him and performing the hip-heavy part of the chorus together. your partner moves his face up along your arm, taking it in like you're a statue. you then act like you brush him away when heeseung gets close enough. after this second chorus, you're leaving him to do his big solo, watching carefully as he makes his every move precise and crisp yet flow well.

it's the last chorus now, and this time, you can't take your eyes off each other as you finally face one another. you stay drowning in his shades of brown without a single misstep until you have to walk away from him. you wait for him to come towards you, back slightly turned away as he jaunts forward, making his way to be captured by your hand behind his neck.

the last breath of the song is the one where you're supposed to turn your head away as his own chases yours, but this time, you brave forward and lean in close. the music fades away, but all you hear is his breathing, feeling it against your own.

you stay like this, ensnared in each other's arms, forgetting about everything except the person wrapped close to you as you feel his every breath against your lips and every inhale and exhale under your hand. he searches your eyes, looking for some kind of sign. "do you mind if i—"

that was all you needed before you're pressing your lips against his. it only takes seconds for him to kiss you back, moving his hands from their previous position on your hips to hold your face. becoming breathless from dancing was one thing, becoming breathless from kissing heeseung was another thing entirely, it was in a league of its own you note as you pull away and rest your forehead on his.

"we'll have to edit that out," you say after what seemed like ages of taking each other in while chuckling.

"i have a better idea than editing."

"oh, and what's that, handsome?"

"look at you getting all bold, troublemaker," heeseung replies with that smile of his. he shakes his head, moving away from you and taking your hand in his. "how about we go on our first official date as youtube's top dancer couple?"

"that does sound like a better idea," you agree, your own smile widening.

"then let's make it happen, sweetheart."

bonus! - click for full images

taglist: @cha-raena @imjustme-things @misoiishi @rikitaiyaki send an ask to join the taglist! :3c permanent taglist: @fiantomartell

a/n: wow this was a long one!! i'm not sure if i detailed all the movements well, but i hope you all enjoyed it nevertheless <3

[kneelbeforeclefairy]

Okay okay okay so I need to process. I do not know why I am so upset over a fuckingtv show but I am

Okay so this is not the books. Now I do think any adaptation has to be...somewhat...faithful to the source material, or it becomes an adaptation In Name Only, and at that point why not do your own thing? However that doesn't mean it's BAD per se to change a lot of things, all media requires adaptation. Sometimes you can get the details wrong and hit the spirit. I use Howl's Moving Castle as an example of this. Pick up the book after you've seen the movie and the only thing similar is there's a dude named Howl with a Moving Castle. (Actually like the first 60 pages are the same and then they diverge wildly) but because like the SPIRIT felt similar, book fans tend to like the movie, and just accept them as two different things.

So initially I was a HUGE skeptic about some of these changes as they dropped. Why change the time period? Why age up Claudia? Why the framing device of the "second interview?" And I was pleasantly surprised as more trailers came out and FINALLY the first two episodes, that my fears were unfounded. The setting update was pretty cool, you didn't really notice it, the second interview became an interesting device to play with the idea of unreliable narrator. I'm still not crazy about 14 year old Claudia, but to be fair, being 14 eternally would suck, and it's a fun thing to explore, it's just not my favorite.

But this last episode. I mean--my chief criticism of Lestat so far was that he was too nice, and I wasn't seeing the Toxic that this relationship needs to get to Claudia Kills Lestat which is where it has to go. I was rejoicing at the moment where Lestat makes Claudia watch Charlie burn. Finally, FINALLY Lestat's brand of Awful. Other than that, aside from a few bitchy remarks, that one outburst at the table and a sort of tendency to ignore engaging with Louis emotions when he can throw money or sarcasm at them, he seems a decent guy.

And I was wondering how they're going to make him Awful, Abusive even, bad enough that when Claudia kills him we lose no sympathy for her, but also sort of mourn him, but also acknowledge it had to be done BUT ALSO when Lestat becomes protagonist, we still have to love and root for this guy. It's a fine line to walk. You can argue Anne Rice, goddess of inconsistent writing, doesn't always pull off.

But I think the answer was not just make him explode like that and beat up a man who he claims to love, who either can't or won't fight back, all because he's...jealous?

Thing is to me, it reads like lazy writing. They couldn't figure out how to show a relationship that was abusive without it being physically abusive, nor a relationship that is bad for everyone involved but does still have it's happy moments. They couldn't push Claudia to the point where she has to kill him without him doing the one unforgivable thing, and I think, to most audiences, that beat down is unforgiviable in terms of what you forgive of your protagonist. There's a line, you know? Withholding information, lying, and gaslighting people--sure, tell me your side of the story and I'll agree you have a lot of growing to do before you're a good person, but I'm still here, watching you become one. I still like you As A Charecter. Do THAT, over, let's face it, as tawdry an emotion as sexual jealousy and I frankly don't care WHAT happens to you. Thats like Tale of the Body Thief levels of "I'm not sure you can recover from that, Lestat."

And the reasoning behind it? They made it almost a love triangle. Lestat is jealous because Louis doesn't love him, he loves Claudia better? I mean, we got a good look at Louis' depression mode when she was gone, and I get Lestat gets angry because he's HERE, isn't he ENOUGH for him? And I think that's worth exploring, and I certainly think that's part of the Issues between the three of them. But that's not what we saw. We saw One Happy Family, even if Louis and Claudia are closer. We didn't see Lestat upset about it. And why should he be? I guess he feels left out? Idk it just seems...cheap. tawdry.

Oh, and I also Don't Like that the shorthand for Lestat is losing his investment in the relationship is him cheating. I didn't like it in episode 3, I really don't like it now. I think it's once again, a lazy shorthand of Bad Relationship, a sort of shortcut. I also think it falls into that old Depraved Bisexual trope and Bisexuals Won't Be Faithful To You trope. And I think there are better ways of doing that than just turning everything into sexual jealousy.

It's too....human. one thing that always set the Ricean vampires apart was how...non human...their way of love is. Most of them are polyamorous. Most of them are queer. Their love seems almost a little mixed in with platonic and familial. It's... interesting. And one thing that never happens is sexual jealousy and love triangles. That's too....easy. Boring.

The other thing that really bothered me is Claudia's assault. What. Exactly. Did it add to the plot? I get the OMG she leaves home and meets another vampire. Now she KNOWS there are others like her! But she could have left him for a million reasons--hes not as fun as Daddy Lou and Uncle Les. He talks down to her, calls her fledgling, she doesn't like that. He's old and stodgy, wants to pull her into some vampire cult. Not Claudia's style. Or best of all, he treats her like a child and that's a Trigger. But to take the only female main charecter, a black female character, and have her be sexually assualted--why? What does it add? Cause I'll tell you what it feels like. This Claudia has been aged up and sexualized--she not only is looking for romantic love, she's looking for sexual love. Now that's not MY preference in honing in on What's Eating Claudia, I think an eternity as a 14 year old is enough angst, but sure let's make it she wants sex and believes she'll never find it. (it also bothers me her snap is after 5 years. Like...girl....you might find love you are still 19. ) But whatever, okay, so she's very sexual. But the second she leaves home the first thing we see happen to her is she gets assaulted? It looks to me like a punishment. Claudia wants to get laid and that's what happens to naughty little girls who are too sexual too soon they get into bad situations that for some damn reason, a freaking vampire can't fight her way out of. (I mean if it was a 200 year old vamp, at least there's some textual basis, but that guy was her human and vampiric equal, give or take a few years. ) And the fact that this happens to a black teenager--when the sexualization of black girls is such a problem in media and in real life....it's not a good look, show. It's not a good look.

And that weird She Tore The Pages Out thing? Wasn't that a FUN way of dwelling on the assault of a black woman without showing it and getting the criticism for SHOWING assault a la Game of Thrones? Felt very have your cake and eat it too.

Anyway, I am just... Angry. Yes I'm angry as a Book Fan. But I've been enjoying this adaptation on its own merits until this episode. Sometimes it REALLY hits the spirit of the thing, despite so many detail changes. Sometimes it goes left and starts telling its own story...and that's FINE. But at this point I feel like it's not longer got much of a resemblance to the books, it's not telling that story any more, but I don't know what story it wanted to tell. I can't figure out what this is about. And I feel like the COMPLEXITY that is the Lestat/Louis/Claudia household has been thrown out the window in favor of ...almost a love triangle? Romantic jealousy, sexual jealousy and the only way the writers can show a bad relationship, infidelity and physical abuse.

It's lazy. It's lazy and I hate it.

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

fine line - a close reading

gonna cry bc i’m at the end, gonna cry bc it’s fine line.

(x x x)

want to give the same disclaimer as with lights up: this song is so layered, so multi-faceted, that i could never hope to give an exhaustive analysis. due to its vagueness and openness for interpretation, i assume that everyone, just like me, has their own ideas about it and has attached importance to it in ways that no one else’s words can or should alter. this song means the world to me for reasons that aren’t necessarily in this post, and that’s how it is with art that touches us deeply. i’ve tried my best to pull it apart, lay it bare, spread it open, if you will, so it’s almost as free as it can be for you all to form your own opinion on it. in the synthesis i will make my own conclusions, but feel free to ignore that if yours are totally different. i’m just one set of brain and heart taking in fine line and projecting whatever i think is right onto it. alright, let’s go

fine line, track 12

sung in falsetto

live version at the form: first verse not sung in falsetto - after first chorus goes into falsetto - like “thinking of her” has summoned her

live version at the form: first verse not sung in falsetto - after first chorus goes into falsetto - like “thinking of her” has summoned her

Put a price on emotion

pouring emotions into the art you create: how much is genuine / how much do you show - line between being authentic to your audience and giving away too much, wanting to keep things to yourself and not feeling truthful with what you’ve written

exploits of the industry: lay your soul bare - or the exact opposite, some pretend emotion - to score that hit

I'm looking for something to buy

cynical. emotions aren’t genuine, right? where can i go buy some?

～ lights up themes. fake life, industry, being a sell-out

You've got my devotion

But man, I can hate you sometimes

“you” = career, music, Harry Styles™. devoted to the craft, to the job, all the ups and downs of it, despite the hardships it brings 

“man” is deliberate: can be seen as an offhand interjection, like “man, that’s rough”, but nothing is casually placed in this song. “man” is: The Man, the heads in the industry, the people pulling the strings. The man in Harry, the man he’s been in the media all these years, the part he’s played/had to play, the man that’s in him

⟶ “hate you”: hate for industry shit, self-hate created by having to play pretend (～ only angel analysis, the persona of the Bukowski womaniser)

“sometimes” - it’s not fucked up all the time

“you” could also be a lover, but the sudden “hate” there then would be for that person, which is absent in any other song about them, doesn’t make any sense

I don't want to fight you

And I don't want to sleep in the dirt

like there’s a choice to me made, but he doesn’t want to make it: either I fight this “you” or I sleep in the dirt

“you” as the industry: if he doesn’t fight them, he might end up being a beggar, lose all his self-worth bc he gave in to everything they asked/told him to do

“you” as himself: fight your instincts, part of who you are/the persona. if he doesn’t fight to figure himself out, though, he fears he’ll also lose

“sleep in the dirt” as a sense of rejection, as well

We'll get the drinks in

So I'll get to thinking of her

drinks to cope - falling, only angel, from the dining table - or to be braver and confront emotions better - tbsl

who is “we”? who is “her”?

narrative of “you” as “lover” further disproven: if “I” and the lover get together over drinks and “I” starts thinking of “her”?

⟷ “her” could be the lover, but then who is “you”? the industry? some other person, besides that lover, harry is devoted to? multiple lovers, all of a sudden? no.

⟶ “I” and “you” are all harry, that get to thinking of “her” because she is in daydreams with him. the narrative that harry is fighting a part of him, the persona he has (had) to play bc of industry limits, makes most sense. that persona is within him now, and part of his work, but all of him, “we”, is begging to come into the light - of which she is a huge part

We'll be a fine line

balancing act. let everything coexist but pay attention that those lines don’t get crossed the wrong way. what we are, what i am, is a fine line between what makes us go under and what lets us thrive

we will be: determination to fulfil this prophecy, statement of fact “we always will be”

“we’ll be a fine line”: other way of interpreting it is that on both sides of that line is what entails “we”, all that is harry. what merges on that fine line is where it’s just right, when harry is fully himself in every way

“fine line” can also be an echo of criticism, bigotry, in the style of: it’s a fine line between being simply flamboyant and queer, between dressing like that and people thinking you’re a transvestite or summat (cause we wouldn’t want that, now, would we) - “we’ll be a fine line” could be owning all of it. putting himself in the middle of all those messy lines, as someone queer without a category

Test of my patience

patience with himself - kindness to self - took a long time to figure shit out and it was a challenge

waiting for change: industry and its allowances/openness

There's things that we'll never know

my favorite line

“we” = harry / harry and company / us in general, all of us listening 

～ tpwk “i don’t need all the answers”: deep sense of acceptance

peace to be found in accepting this!!

You sunshine, you temptress

“sunshine” - as in all the love songs (blue skies, sunflowers, summer days…): lover - possible that there are multiple “you”s in this song?

sunshine could ofc also be directed at the temptress, still

female “temptress” - “i’ll get to thinking of her” - she - it’s tempting for harry to think of her all the time, to lose himself in the “her” in him

other interpretation for “temptress”: woman he knows with negative influence in his life - resemblance to woman “you flower, you feast”, so echo of Bukowski ～ only angel, kiwi (my sunshine, my love, who is involved with this temptress…)

My hand’s at risk, I fold

⟷ tpwk “dropping into the deep end”

not showing his cards just yet / forfeits

anxious to show all of him, to take the chance, with all the risks and consequences involved

Crisp trepidation

I’ll try to shake this soon

nervousness, anxiety - about (not) taking (enough) chances, (not) laying himself bare (release of the album that reveals much more than before)

“crisp” fresh, this feeling is unfamiliar - change is coming “soon”

sense of agency: I can get rid of this feeling by my own volition and make these changes - hesitant, insecure: “try”

wants to be braver. he’s not going back, but still needs to calmly coax himself further and further into the light, out into the open (“we’ll be alright”)

Spreading you open

Is the only way of knowing you

(can anyone else hear “spread thin” like a whisper under “spreading”? or am i imagining things.)

“you” is back - the only way of knowing “you” is to spread them open - the physical

to spread someone open - very literal, don’t need to paint the picture, or to lay bare, to lay it all out 

⟶ “you” as himself - the only way of knowing who i am is by doing this: writing this album, performing these songs, letting others listen in and form their own interpretations, let this world grow where i’m laid bare and OPEN and exist as this person who has issues, who is angry, who doesn’t know who he is a lot of the time, but is still so happy to be here - let it spread and let it all circle back to me so i can grow deeper into myself

We'll be a fine line

We'll be alright

“we” = h & self, h & lover, h & fans

collectiveness from tpwk

(notes on a piano sounding like drops, like he’s emerged from the water and dripping dry)

SYNTHESIS

Everything about this song is plural. Personal pronouns are all over the place. I, you, her, we. The sound is incredibly layered, with Harry’s own voice echoing through its verses like he’s singing to himself in an empty cave. Meanings can be attached to every word like it’s a wax tablet used too many times. What Harry has said in interviews for once holds pretty true to the actual meaning, in my opinion. 

“It felt like it described to me the process of making it and how the album felt in terms of the different kinds of songs on it.” (Capital FM)

This can mean a lot of things, and I think it means all of the things, of course. It means Fine Line is a summary of all of his emotions he visited on the album, of the things he’s laid bare. And it means that the actual process was also described, as one that can be frustrating and challenging, with added industry shit. 

Harry has expressed straightforward gratefulness to his label for "leaving (him) alone” while making the album and that speaks volumes. This time, he had the chance to make his art without the constant interference of a label, which meant he could weave in criticism as well. “Put a price on emotion” is first and foremost a critique on the industry. It’s the first line of the song, setting the tone for the interpretation of this song is about the risks I took while making this album. It involves criticism on an industry that creates such an atmosphere that only a certain type of music and artist breaks through or can be successful, that limits people in their personal expression. Convinces them that it’s better that way. That it’s better to hide who they love because the general public won’t accept them. That it’s better to create a song about a fake emotion than be honest. Harry loves writing songs and being on stage, but it’s taken a while for him to be fully comfortable there as a solo artist and bloom into the person that could make Fine Line. He loves his career, but it’s also limited his freedom in ways beyond our comprehension, and it’s exploited him to the point where he didn’t know who he was, in ways that have clearly taken a toll on his mental wellbeing. To a point where he finishes this album reassuring himself, most of all, that everything will be alright.

That process of making Fine Line obviously includes Harry confronting emotions he hadn’t before. He has stated that he experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows while making it. There are things he hates, he was fighting but doesn’t want to (anymore), uncertainties he was trying to figure out but had to accept he couldn’t, risks he still doesn’t know he can take without shaking. At the centre of it all is this sense of “knowing you.” The different personal pronouns in the song paint a fractured picture, which is ultimately deliberate. That the “you” Harry is devoted to and can hate sometimes doesn’t line up with “her,” that the end focus does seem to be this “you” that is mentioned in the same breath as “man” and “temptress,” forming the “we” together with “I”. 

After having songs like Lights Up, She, Falling and even TPWK, one of the central themes on the album has undoubtedly been self-discovery, in all its pain and glory. There are no female pronouns on the album besides, obviously, in She, and then here, in Fine Line. She is about a man living with a woman “just in his head”, who “sleeps in his bed while he plays pretend.” It is very clearly a trans narrative, the story of someone struggling to put into words what they’re experiencing in terms of gender. To a point that they fantasise about running away. Fine Line brings the ideas of knowing what it all means, which Lights Up kicks off (“do you know who you are?”), Falling deepens (“what am I now?”) and Treat People With Kindness turns on its head (“I don’t need all the answers”), together. Harry is still doubtful, and the questions asked earlier in the album haven’t disappeared, but he has accepted that “some things we’ll never know.” His aim, however, is still “knowing you.” 

To have Fine Line, as the summary of these emotions of self-growth and self-discovery, echo that one female pronoun, speaks volumes. It is a direct reference to She, to that story about gender. “Her” in this song refers to “she (who) lives in daydreams with (him).” The one who still only fully comes out when they’ve had a drink. The one he’s still working to include in who he is, as he tries to figure out who he is, all of it. The song where he sings in falsetto, just like on Fine Line. Of which he sang the first verse an octave lower live at the forum, switching between those voices, those perspectives. That’s also why “you” in this song is also Harry to me. We get this fractured sense of self, this “I” and “you” conversing over a drink, this “you” Harry is devoted to and wants to figure out. “You” and “I” form “we” and all of them are Harry. The lines are blurry on purpose, there is no way to figure out where “you” ends and “I” begins. 

“You sunshine, you temptress” is the most enigmatic line in that respect, and to me blurs those lines even more between the pronouns. “You” is suddenly also identified by a female noun. And no this isn’t about some kind of love triangle. “Sunshine” aligns with all the odes to his lover in the rest of the album. So what does that mean? That there are multiple “you”s in this song, meaning that Harry is addressing both his lover and a temptress? So “her” he’ll get to thinking of, the only other female pronoun used in the song, is identified as a temptress, but tempting to do what? To take risks? And no I won’t forget the “man, I can hate you sometimes,” where "man” is not a casual interjection but an identifier of “you.” 

Or is it an echo of “the light” from Golden’s “bring me back to the light” and Light’s Up’s “step into the light”? So that the “sunshine” symbolises being in the clear, being out of the darkness running through his heart, the darkness caused by not knowing who you are. “You sunshine,” you beacon of light. “You temptress,” risk-taker and source of anxiety. You, one I need to spread open to figure out, to know about, source of happiness and despair, one I’m devoted to but also hate. You, man, you, temptress. You there, in the mirror looking back at me. 

All of you, and myself included, we’ll be a fine line. And we’ll be alright.

This song is about all of that. The self in art, the self on its own, the other, the journey, the chances, the fears, the passion. Hope. Reassurance. Confidence. And, most importantly, that everything will be alright in the end.

x

read all my lyric analyses here

[planetdemon]

I just wanted to be a swan

pairing: bang chan x reader

genre: angst, fluff, but mostly angst

warnings: low self-esteem, body hate/dislike, eating disorders, swearing, food, insecurities, arguing DONT READ IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH IT!

wc: 2.003

note: so this scenario has been going through my head for quite a while now, and I tried writing it by myself lol. Hope it's good ;) I've also sent a request to @channienet about the same topic, so make sure to check her interpretation out as well! enjoy!

summary: Due to Chan's heavy working schedule, spending time alone was a thing you couldn't quite befriend with, especially after you've noticed some changes you have gone through. There is a to change it, but it isn't quite... let's say healthy. How will Chan react, after he finds out? Will he even care? (dude I'm shit at writing summary lol)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taking a bath was normally something that should be considered relaxing or calming. You've always enjoyed letting the hot water surround your body whilst taking all the dirt and negativity off that you have collected during stressful days at work.

But lately, taking a bath wasn't as enjoyable anymore as it once was. Chris has been working a lot lately, due to the kingdom stage and their nearing comeback. He has been spending more and more time at the company, working on producing new tracks for him and the kids, often staying at the dorms because they were closer to the studio than the apartment you shared. So you were left alone, by yourself.

Even though you wished he would be by your side while you were falling asleep, you couldn't be mad at him. You knew what his work meant to that boy and you would never tell him to stop doing what he loves just so you could spend some time together.

But being alone also meant that you had to kill the boredom somehow and, thanks to Felix's Brownie and Cookie recipes, you had the perfect thing to do in the meantime. Baking and eating delicious desserts.

You were just stepping out of the bathtub, grabbing the towel you had prepared, and drying yourself with it. Once your body was half-dried, you turned around to hang the towel back at the hanger, so it could dry properly.

And at that moment, you knew, you've fucked up. You couldn't avoid looking at your wet, naked body in the hot, steamy mirror near the hangers.

You always hated looking at it, but thanks to the sweets you had been eating lately, looking at yourself only made you feel sicker than it ever did.

You couldn't tear your gaze off the excess of flesh around your tummy and thighs and the stretch marks, that decored your boobs only seemed to scream "Look at me!". You slowly turned around and saw the tiger stripes creeping up your bum and the undersides of your arms.

'Fucking disgusting', that little voice in your head sneered.

'How could I let this come this far?', you thought. At this point, you were somehow happy Chris wasn't here, knowing he would be disgusted with how you've changed.

You've always felt a bit insecure by his side, knowing you could catch up with neither his attractiveness nor his muscular godlike body. But seeing yourself like this destroyed every little self-esteem you had left in your cells.

-

It has been nearly two months since 'the incident' in the bathroom and you couldn't shake that feeling of disgusts off. Not even for one second.

You only wanted to try a one-week detox diet that was blowing up all over social media, hoping you could lose a little bit of weight, so you would be back to normal. But seeing the numbers on the scale dropping so unbelievably quickly only made you realize that you could look even better than you thought you could.

You kept on following the diet and restricting everything that wasn't included, not noticing that restricting also damaged your mind.

One time, Han and Felix asked you if you wanted to have lunch with them and the others, but fear crept up you back as soon as you thought about the food they would have ordered, knowing that you would only gain weight again if you didn't follow the rules.

So you stayed home, keeping yourself isolated from your friends and most importantly, Chan.

You were lying on my bed, scrolling through Tumblr when Chris' Caller ID showed up and your phone started to ring. You sighed lowly, not wanting to talk to him.

Over the past few months, you stopped showing up at the studio, being afraid the boys would notice the changes your body went through, thanks to the diet. You were happy about it, knowing that you were losing weight, but you haven't reached my goal. You were afraid, they would judge you the way you did when you looked at yourself.

"Chris?"

"y/n? Han just told me that you weren't coming over. Are you okay? Y-" Chris's muffled voice appeared and you felt instant regret deep in your guts, knowing how much fun you guys had when you spent time together back in the days.

"Yeah, I'm okay Channie, don't worry. I just feel a little sleepy. I'll come next time. Promise" You tried your best to sound optimistic or at least not too sad, hoping Chris would believe your lie. "Okay," he mumbled, "I love you, baby girl".

-

You knew you were in big troubled the second Chris opened the fridge, seeing no food in there.

He randomly decided to stay over the weekend, saying that he missed you. You weren't ready for this, knowing that you couldn't hide the signs of the 'passion' you had developed in time.

"Why is there no food?" You fumbled with the arms of Chris sweater you were wearing while looking at the ground. "I've forgotten to go grocery shopping" You answered.

"But there is nothing in there, y/n. Nothing" He walked over and took hold of your cold hands while looking you straight in the eyes.

"Why is there no food?" Chris asked again.

"I just told you I forgot to go grocery shopping, Chan. Relax" You snapped back, getting anxious about the fact that he could notice something.

You were nearing your goal, even though you knew that you could never be satisfied with how you looked. He couldn't just come over and ruin all the progress you've made after being not here for so long. He doesn't have the right to do this.

"Don't fuck around, y/n. You always have at least some butter in your house. Where is the butter? Where is Ramen? You must have some food here!"

Your body started to shake as you heard his voice rise, keeping your gaze low, not daring to look him in the eyes right now. He was right.

You always had something at home, so you could quickly cook something when you were hungry. But you didn't saw a point in keeping food at home if you wouldn't eat it anyway. It would just rot.

"Y/n look at me" he whispered, after realizing that you were trembling. Chris gently grabbed your chin to make you look up at him. You were expecting to see anger, but the only thing you saw in his brown orbs was sadness.

You started to tear up after you noticed it, knowing that he put one and one together. You missing out on lunch with the boys, you not showing up at the studio to bring him food and spend with him there, listening to his tracks, you not having any food at home. It was obvious, but you still hoped he wouldn't notice.

Chris slowly took you in his arms, noticing how your figure felt smaller and bonier than before. It made him sick, knowing what you did to yourself. 'Why would my girl do something like this?' he thought 'how could my little princess torture herself this much?' But he couldn't find a 'because'.

In his eyes, you were the best thing that happened to him. You were the prettiest girl on earth. Warm tears were running down his pale cheeks, dropping to the floor.

He couldn't stop blaming himself for what you did. Maybe if he would have been there, he could have stopped you. Maybe if-

"Channie?" You quietly asked, looking up at his tear-stained cheeks. "Channie why are you crying? We can go to the store and grab something if you want. You don't-"

"Why have you been doing this to yourself, y/n?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why haven't you been eating"

Well, shit.

"What are you talking about, Channie?"

"Don't fucking lie to me, it's too obvious for you to do so. Why haven't you been eating?"

"I... I, I'm pressured Chan" You answered, knowing that he wouldn't believe you if you would tell him otherwise. Telling him the truth was the only option at this point, even though you didn't want to.

"Pressured?"

"Yes"

"Princess, I don't understand what you mean by that"

You shook your head and let go of him, before walking over to the couch and sitting down with a low sigh. "Maybe you shouldn't understand," I said.

"Jesus, y/n" I heard him mutter under his breath. He walked over and sat on the floor, in front of you, looking at you with a scared expression.

"Please tell me what's in that pretty little head of yours. I can see that you have lost weight, but I don't understand why. I mean, you are the prettiest human I have ever seen in my whole life, why would you do something like that?"

"Why do you even care? It's not like you here anyway" you simply said, grabbing your phone, trying to ignore him.

After he noticed your intentions, he quickly took your phone out of your hands, placing it on the coffee table behind him.

"Hey! Give me my phone back, you dump a-"

"Fucking stop it, y/n. Stop ignoring me. I care for you because I love you! You are my everything and I know I haven't been home lately, but at least I tried making time for you and inviting you to the studio", he said, "but you never came! Don't act like it's only my fault we haven't seen each other."

You looked at him with wide eyes, shaking your head. He was right, it was also your fault. And you hated the fact that he was right. "I-"

"Please y/n, please stop turning away from me and closing up. I-I know it's not easy to open up, but I'm here for you. I'll always be."

"Well, I... I couldn't, no, I can't feel happy when I look like this, Channie. I mean, look at you, look at your perfect body and your perfect personality and your perfect everything! I don't fit in. I don't fit in, because I am the ugly duck surrounded by beautiful swans. I just... wanted to be a beautiful swan, Channie."

That's it. You've made it. You've told him what was going through your mind all the time.

He slowly pulled you off the couch, into his lap. He could feel your seat humps against his thighs, how bony and strong they were. Chris shook his head in disbelieve, another wave of sadness crushing over him.

"You are perfect, baby girl. You are perfect in every single way. You always were the most beautiful swan I have ever seen in my entire life. I love everything about you, y/n. I love how your thighs wiggle whenever you run towards me when we meet, I love how curves look in that dress I brought you a year ago, I love how your stretch marks are decorating your body like silverish paint. I don't want you to change for me, because you are perfect the way you are. Jesus, even Hyunjin said you are even prettier than himself, and that means a lot. Please don't hurt yourself like this, princess. You are destroying yourself"

He took hold of your hands and kissed your palm.

"I promise I'll stop working so much, so I can spend more time with my beautiful girlfriend, but please... stop hurting yourself" he whispered, searching for any signs of discomfort in your eyes. But you just set in his lap and listened to him.

"Hyunjin thinks I'm prettier than him?" you asked awkwardly.

Chris chuckled and nodded "Is this the only thing that got stuck in your pretty little head?" He asked.

You smiled a bit, leaning your forehead against his while closing your eyes. "I'll try to get better, Chris" you whispered.

It wouldn't be an easy journey going back to 'normal. Once the hole is there, digging is difficult. But it is possible, especially if someones helping you.

[starryyyjoon]

I, you | Kim Namjoon One Shot

word count: 8.2k

pairing: idol!namjoon x fem reader

summary: namjoon meets you again and he can't help but want you to look at him the same way he has all these years.

disclaimer: it's sort of written from y/n pov. kind of smut included, not too much but still. other then that, i don't think there's anything. it was written a long time ago so i don't clearly remember, sorry!

Namjoon walked in, followed by a few staff members and they occupied the empty chairs on the conference table and I smiled at him and the others. He looked great like always, he was in a navy blue hoodie and a khaki colored trouser, with his hair pushed backwards exposing his forehead.

There was something and nothing between me and him and it was too tiring to play pretend. "You look good", he remarked and I smiled at him. He's always being too kind, I looked like absolute shit, I hadn't slept in three days and my clothes were whatever was in my reach that I'd put on after showering and I rushed here.

I had met him before this level of success but I was merely an assistant director myself and we'd talked about Monet and his work together, he'd similar interests to mine but both of us didn't really get anywhere because of our timing and I believed it was for the good. He'd always expressed how he liked my vision and wants to work with me on something and I didn't believe my vision because what even was my vision that he could see and not me and after being this big I didn't really thought he'll even remember me until he hit my phone one day and here I was, at the label's office to discuss the details of his mixtape's music video.

"So, do you've something in mind?", I asked him and he pressed his back on the chair letting out a yawn, he seemed tired.

"Not really! I want it simplistic and not too hard to understand. I haven't thought about it or anything so I don't know, I would await what you propose", he softly said.

"I haven't heard the track because of--", he intervened, "--ah you haven't? You should hear it first", he said and I nodded.

"I would need to hear it", I told him, thinking about the lengthy talks with the illustrator already.

The staff then pin pointed about the budget, the do nots and other details and two of my team members who were seated beside me talked thoroughly in detail about the technicalities. Namjoon looked bored with all the talk that didn't interest him. He wasn't much different from before slightly bigger.

All of us stood up coming to an agreement when Namjoon asked me to walk up to his studio to hear the track and I asked my team members to go ahead first. I walked through the dark corridor behind him while he talked to someone on the phone, all the way to his studio. I didn't really hear what he was talking because I was invested in staring around the place like I hadn't seen a building before.

The walls were all dark and a comforting shade since I didn't like the sun anyway. It seemed like a night mode in real life.

His studio was the corner most, he typed the passcode in and stood aside gesturing for me to walk in, followed by him. He hung up the phone call and put his phone aside, switching the AC on. He sat behind the monitor while he switched it on and I went through my inbox.

"So, how have you been?", his deep tone, made me look up and I fidgeted to put my eyes on something other then him while he turned his chair around to face me.

"I have been okay-ish, like the projects I'm doing I'm satisfied with them so I guess it's kinda okay", I said and regretted it immediately, I don't even talk like this and he knows it.

"Not the work c'mon, you, your boyfriend, family, other things?", a lose smile hung on his lips and I looked at him. How can someone look like that?

"No boyfriend because you know no one can put up with this profession. I haven't slept in three days so I'm fucking annoyed and the work is too much that I don't have time for other things", I shrugged and he chuckled. I didn't want to think about guys, I barely had time for myself. Filmmaking was a time bound profession.

"I relate, trust me I do", he turned his chair back around, his eyes on the computer screen and I looked at him. I could see why he could relate, I mean of course he didn't had time either. I knew idol schedules enough to know how these things go. "Why didn't you come that day?", he asked me and my insides twisted.

"I was hoping you don't bring it up", I said in a small voice.

"Why not? I waited for you", he said without looking at me and I threw my head back on the couch thinking of the time when he'd asked me out officially and I didn't make it. "At least I deserve to know what was more important that you didn't make it", he looked at me and I closed my eyes shut.

"I had a flight, I got an exclusive food show travel experience with discovery and it was too good for an opportunity to miss", I let it out and took a breath in. I knew I could never leave work for a guy, any guy, or anyone as a matter of fact and as much as I'd thought about it on the plane...it all seemed for the better. He wasn't the kind of guy I could've had my regular thing with and I was too young to be serious.

"It was a good show", he told me. I could feel his eyes on me and I didn't flinch. I didn't regret it but his words made me feel guilty. My head was on the headrest of the sofa I sat on and my eyes were closed. My subconscious could feel his curious gaze on me.

"Look away Namjoon", I said and I could feel his gaze was still on me.

"Why didn't you call me when you got back?", he asked me and I looked at him.

"I didn't because our cultures differ, everything is poles apart--what's the point of discussing it now?", I asked him, slightly annoyed. He and I separately needed to focus on our careers and he knew it too damn well.

"Okay", he turned around again as his monitor showed a circle indicating that the programme he'd launched was loading. "It does makes me feel better that my better position in life doesn't changes your opinion on me. Quiet comforting", he said, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice but I chose to ignore it. The last thing I'd be doing is fueling this feeling in him by discussing this useless thing which wouldn't make any difference whatsoever.

"Is this the reason you wanted me to do this project with you?", I asked him and he swiftly turned his chair around.

"No, I don't take all this for granted. I love the stuff you do. I'm pretty updated thanks to how active you're on your social media", he smiled and I couldn't shook the thought of seeing my psychotic episodes on my Instagram, Twitter...everywhere. I'm pretty weird out there.

"I love it, the stories", he flased his dimple smile before turning his chair around again and I felt his warmth, like he meant what he said.

For a second I was taken aback with how tall he was from me and how good he looked, he'd always looked good but he was more mature now and much more reserved. "I'll be calling you often because I won't send it for pre-production without your say on the concept", I told him.

"I'll look forward to a lot of calls", he said. "I'm sorry this is taking a while", he added quickly and for some reason I couldn't look away from him, whose back was visible to me.

"No, take your time", I said, crossing my arms against my chest. I really wished he was a regular guy just making music but then I didn't. I wouldn't want someone to wish that for me. He'd earned all of it and I knew it.

"Look away ___", he said slowly. I could feel his grin through his words and I looked away shaking my head right and left softly. "It's, yeah it's playing", he turned around as the music filled in the empty atmosphere.

It was a slow song with a really fast rap. It was how Namjoon was, he contradicted himself too much. I instantly knew it was his writing from the way the words went and the wordplay came into role. I couldn't help but analyze the song because I was supposed to shoot and sketch a music video for it and at times like this I didn't really get to enjoy the art for the art and I hated it.

"How was it?", he asked me, his eyes fixated on me as the music faded. I wanted it to last.

"The only problem with it is that it ends", I flashed a smlie at him and he shook his head throwing it back.

"That's too corny even for you", Namjoon rolled his eyes but I was being serious. "You know I appreciate heavy critics", he said.

"I didn't find anything to criticize, the writing is great, the composition fits and it has a catchy vibe to it. I think I would listen a song like that on a drive or something? In your case a bicycle but yeah! It's a good song", I summarized my opinion. "Do you like want a trendy video?", I asked him.

"Anything that you want to do with it", he said and I gently nodded. Since it was given to me, I couldn't stop thinking about what to do with it.

"Can you stop thinking about it while you're with me ___?", he chuckled and I looked at him taken aback for a second and then nodded with a soft smile pasted on my lips.

"Your fashion sense has improved", I remarked.

"You look casual", he teased me.

"I, I've no fashion sense. I just wear whatever is there", I told him.

"I don't think so, your Instagram says different", he said.

"It's for the show Namjoon", I said.

"You're really not the type to do that, please don't deceive me", he beamed before he turned his chair around again to minimize the current tabs on the computer.

"You're the last person I'd be deceiving--", my words were cut from an incoming call from one of the producers of one of the shows I was working on. "I need to take this", I told him and answered the call while he just gave me a gentle nod in response.

The producer had informed me about the issues related to casting and the final draft of the script and I knew I had to go.

"Guess I'll see you later, bye", Namjoon said warmly as he smiled at me. The thing was he just knew and that always stuck somewhere.

"Bye", I left.

________________

"I, for one, disagree. C'mon how do you even call it an end?", I threw my hands in the air as we discussed it for the millionth time. I liked Su-ho but his thoughts on GOT made me want to kill him. He is the only person I knew who was satisfied with how it ended.

"I think it was okay, c'mon, you have to consider that the novels didn't end and as compared to that I think it was pretty good", Su-ho claimed while he sat on the bean bag in front of me, pushing it comfortably.

"Don't even start with the novels--", my words were interrupted with the sound of the doorbell, "--they didn't even do a good job interpreting it and I am offended by that. Look there novels", I pointed at my bookshelf, showing him my GOT collection which he knew as I opened the door and my head bumped against Namjoon's chest as he took a step in.

He chuckled as he held the back of my head with one hand and pressed my forehead with the other and rubbed it gently to ease the pain.

"What's uh, what's that? Is it iron", I mocked, pointing at his chest while he let me go from his grip and took his shoes off.

"It can be", he said. "But why were you jumping around so enthusiastically?", he asked me as he seated on the couch in front of Su-ho, as he greeted him and Su-ho greeted him back.

"Game of Thrones heavy discussions", I sighed. "This is Su-ho who's illustrating the storyboard", I told Namjoon.

Su-ho was starstruck and it seemed like it'd take him a good minute to recover and Namjoon was obviously used to it. I didn't call him at the office because a lot of people would want to see him then and it could be exhausting plus he'd a time limit on his hands.

"You know him, ___?", Su-ho widened his eyes at me and I nodded, suppressing my laughter seeing his chaotic ass behave like this.

"A little", I said and I could feel Namjoon's gaze on me. "Maybe a lot", I rephrased. I could see by the way Su-ho looked at me that he needed answers. "Coffee?", I asked Namjoon.

"Oh yeah", he replied and I stood up. "I've thought of two concepts, Su-ho please brief him on it and if you want anything differently Namjoon, you can tell him", I told him as I marched towards the kitchen.

Should I use the regular coffee mugs or should I use the better ones? I mean it doesn't matter anyway but still, it kind of does? I don't know. It just comes to me, the over thinking.

Ah.

I could hear him and Su-ho talking about the concepts faintly and I was low-key proud because I did work hard on them. I opened the cabinet to take out the better coffee mugs.

This is what happens when you stop drinking milk and stop growing up. I rested my hands on the kitchen pavement thinking about how many shoes with heels I'd because of my height.

I wasn't very short but I wasn't my desired height too. It was sad. I was the right person to sell the tonics concerning height because my insecurity would make me buy it. I exhaled heavily and turned around to find Namjoon behind me.

"Let me", my hips pressed against the marble pavement while his body gently pressed against my front, I could spot the mole on his neck while he calmly took the box of mugs out. "Okay?", he whispered softly and I looked on without responding.

"Thanks", I told him, hoping he'd get away from me because this had me feeling some type of way. I won't admit what type of way. That makes it worse.

"Anytime", he clicked his lips, taking a few steps back as I stirred the coffee and poured it in three cups. Should've used regular ones.

"I like the quotes on that wall", he said as I handed him his cup, taking the other two. A wall of my house was covered in post-it notes and other stuff. Some print outs of Van Gogh and Frida's works alongside other things.

"Yeah that? Thanks", I said, as I gave the cup to Su-ho. "Did you decide on something?", I asked, as I sat down and Namjoon just beside me.

"Yeah, the first one. It was kind of okay, he made some alterations so I would send it to you by...maximum tomorrow", Su-ho told me. "But why did you call him here for just this?", he asked me.

"You seem so concerned about his whereabouts", I glared Su-ho . "I told him I could just email him but he insisted on doing it in person", I looked at Namjoon who took a long sip from his coffee.

"Yeah I did, don't worry I was absolutely free", Namjoon smiled at Su-ho and I could see Su-ho fanboy-ing.

"You're so in line today", I pressed my words.

"Shut up", Su-ho eyed me. I wrapped my hands around the coffee mug feeling its warmth.

After I talked to Namjoon for a while about the shoot and he explained to me about their company procedure and how they usually did things. I didn't like doing music videos or commercials, there's a lot of time you're bound by what the music video demands and you've to stick with that so that was that. I usually preferred either cinema like movies or dramas, I hadn't done much but I had done a few and travel shows were my preference.

"I'll see you next time then", Su-ho politely remarked looking at Namjoon and he smiled and gently bowed his head. I walked with him up-to the door. "I didn't, what the hell, you could've given me a heads up?", Su-ho whispered slowly to me as I leaned against the door.

"I didn't knew you were a fan", I said and he playfully hit me on my arm.

"I still can't believe it, you've to answer my hot questions next time", he said and I nodded.

"Okay okay", I closed the door shut behind me, taking a seat on the far side of the sofa me and Namjoon were seated on. He was scanning my bookshelf and I was looking at him.

"Literally 70% of it is fiction", he said. I read a lot of fiction and he read a lot of nonfiction.

"You should read fiction", I said and he looked at me slightly pissed.

"I do read fiction just not thar much", he pointed at my bookshelf. "If you've to recommend one, shoot", he said.

"Recommend, uh, the secrets of happiness", I said randomly and his face sunk in annoyance. "It's not a book talking about literal secrets of happiness, it has a story", I told him.

"Ah okay...I will try reading that. Let me take your copy", he said.

"No", I said back in a split second.

"I won't lose it, c'mon, ___", he said. I couldn't believe his testimony on not losing it.

"Fine, but it's annotated. You'll owe me big time if you lose it", I said and he nodded vigorously.

"Your place is great", he said looking around the house and I couldn't see why, I mean yeah maybe but not that I find it great if I think from his point of view.

"I'm barely here anyway. I pay rent for no reason", I kept the empty mug in my hand on the glass table in front of us.

"That was your friend though, Su-ho?", Namjoon asked as he kept his cup, followed by me.

"Oh yeah! I met him for work but then it's been a while since I know him, it's been years actually and he's a friend now", I said thinking about Su-ho. I don't know why I bothered explaining. It's been a good five years since Namjoon and I hadn't been in touch and there was a little catching up to do.

"You've always had a lot of friends, don't you", he sighed as he sat cross legged on the sofa facing me. I do have plenty friends honestly.

"Kind of", I shrugged. His gaze on me made me sit back in a more cautious way as I fixed my posture. "Namjoon...", I called out his name when the doorbell rung and I was irritated. "Give me a second", I stood up and walked up-to the main door.

It was my neighbor who's mother had left their house keys with me and he was here to take it back. He thanked me for keeping it and walked up to his own flat which was in front of mine.

I closed the door shut and Namjoon was standing by the balcony seeing a cactus I had grown since I couldn't grow any other plant because I was never home to take care of them in case.

"It's cute", he said as he picked the potted plant and stared at it for a little while and I stood behind him and watched him see it.

"You know your pupils dilate when you see plants", I said and he smiled to himself. He kept the cactus back in its resting place and stared at me. "What?", I asked him.

"You were going to say something", he said, his voice sounded deeper then usual for a second and I licked my bottom lip in haste.

"Oh that, you know the alterations you made? I will directly mail it to the staff and maybe cc you because it won't need a second check anyway. I've to get this done a little early since I've--", he turned towards me and I took a step back but there was barely any space and my back was pressed against the wall, "--what is it?", I asked but it came out as a whisper.

"Here", he dragged his index finger across my bottom lip and there was something on my lip. I didn't really see what was on there because of his presence so close to me. My heartbeat had fastened and I could feel it. Something I didn't want to feel.

"Thanks, I guess", I said slowly and he flashed his dimple smile at me and in that moment he seemed the opposite of the dominant he was a few seconds ago.

"Do you know you look really good?", he said, as his fingers ran across my ear touching the piercings one by one. I regretted having three all of a sudden. "And I didn't intended to do this but ___ I uh", he bent over a little, his lips a few inches away from my ear and his breath was falling on my neck.

"Namjoon", I said, trying to not look at him. I knew damn well I couldn't be able to control myself.

"Hmm", his voice was so small and I could feel goosebumps all over my neck. His gaze on me was strong and I had jitters in my stomach.

"I, uh--let's not okay", I put my hands on his shoulder as he pulled me more closer with a jolt and I gasped.

"Do you really not want to?", he asked me. It was a while since I was in this close proximity of someone like this but my subconscious kept telling me not to. "I don't understand what you find so undesirable about me", he took a few steps back and looked away.

What?

"Do you think I find you undesirable?", I asked him, pressing my lips suppressing my smile. I couldn't get how could he change roles in a span of few seconds.

"Yeah, it's pretty evident really", he sighed, looking at the the far side of the sky at the horizon and I saw him sulking.

"It's not that, are you fucking dumb? It's just you know you shouldn't start things you can't take care of", I said. For some reason I've always felt a little hesitant with him. "But you're desirable enough", I added.

"Sudden validation from you, ah", he clicked his lips in mockery and I felt bad. The last thing I wanted was to look like I was playing hard to get. I didn't feel competent enough in my heart. "Let me kiss you", he said, taking a few steps closer breaking the chain of my thoughts and I hated being so much in control and feeling a little out of place.

I was back to where I was a few seconds ago, me cornered and he put his lips on mine and my body automatically responded. He took over me in a second. My hands rested on his back and clutched the fabric. His hands travelled below my hips as he pulled me upwards and my legs wrapped around his waist. He didn't stop kissing me for one second and I didn't want him to, as he pressed his mouth harder on mine and I bit back a moan. I could feel the heat in my body and every vein seemed to electrify. He walked me up-to my bedroom like he knew which suddenly felt foreign to me as he laid me on the bed, breaking the kiss and I was breathless, panting for air.

I didn't had any resort in me to stop. I didn't want him to stop. I couldn't care more about whatever that had me concerned for a while. He watched me look at him and his lips curved in a smirk. "Should I stop?", he teased me taking a seat on the edge of the bed and I looked away from him to the right side, scoffing.

I pushed myself up, my hands at the hem of the lose white t-shirt I'd on and for a second I hesitated at the fact that he must've seen better flesh than mine but I pulled it upwards exposing myself in front of him as his eyes went everywhere. "Do you want to stop?", I asked him, as I crawled over to him. He didn't object as I sat on his lap and took his face in my hands. I looked in his eyes. He looked beautiful. I traced the outline of his skull, his jaw as I pushed his hair locks that were on his forehead behind. "Do you want to stop Namjoon?", I asked him again as he held me tight, giving me my answer.

He tugged at my neck with his mouth leaving a trail of gentle kisses down and I could feel my nipples startlingly prominent beneath the black lightweight bra I had on. I clutched his hair as he bit my neck suddenly and I gasped.

He pushed me on to him, nearer but there was barely any space for me to come close and I could feel him all over. He messily kissed me before groping my bottom and I-I cut a breath in. He would take turns and be gentler a second and rough the another. "Namjoon", I called out gasping which fueled him even more. He looked at me and smiled proudly at how he had me without doing much.

He flicked the straps of my bra shoving it down exposing my breasts and I could feel my nipples harden to the point it was painful. I wanted him. I wanted him to touch me, more. The way my body responded to his touch was almost funny, how quick, how wet.

I patiently unbuttoned his shirt and stripped it off of him while he looked at me with a gaze I couldn't quite make anything of, he just looked at me while he let me work on him. My hands touched his chest and my eyes examined his torso, his skin was warm and his gaze on me gave me confidence like he wanted me back as much I wanted him.

I was forgetting my own desperation for his touch as my hand traveled behind his back, trailing down to his spine and he looked at me as he cut a sharp breath in and I felt good seeing him giving in to me. His arms surrounded mine unclasping my bra in a second and he threw it off on the floor.

I half expected him to grab me and grope my breast but he swept me in his arms as his vaguely pink mouth pressed against mine and instead of hastily grabbing me, his mouth simply rested against mine and it was worse, much more intoxicating. I, on instinct coiled my arms against his neck.

As my tongue demanded entrance and he smiled before letting me, and in a second, roles were reversed, the romantic was gone. He took control and pressed his mouth harder on me with his thumb and finger pressing my nipple and my nails dug deeper in his neck. "Joon...", I on instinct called out, as I gasped for breath but he didn't let me.

He was hard against me and I grinded next to him which seemed to please him while he left my mouth, burning with a wanting for more while my sex clenched as he took control of my body putting his arms around my back and they were free to go anywhere. I wouldn't dare stop him.

A second later, he laid me on the bed and hovered over me before taking my shorts off in a whirl and pushed my underwear off me that it didn't seem reusable. I anticipated his actions but he pushed a thumb into my bottom without no warning and I clutched the sheets, a yell escaping my mouth. My fingers curled meanwhile his other arm grabbed my breast cupping it and a second later his forefinger and middle finger slipped inside of me and my grip on the sheets tightened.

"Shh", he hissed in my ear and I hadn't realized a moan had escaped my mouth. My whole body rocked in less then a minute and I couldn't control my voice, I gasped for breath and I moaned even louder then before. "I didn't take you for a screamer ___", Namjoon seemed amused while embarrassment washed over me as I laid exposed in front of him.

"Let me go down on you", I told him and he looked taken aback as I pushed myself up.

"Do you really want to?", he asked and I shifted closer to him, placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

"I would love to", I told him. "Do you want me to?", I asked him.

"Yeah, I mean yeah", he said when his phone rang echoing in the room and his face flushed into irritation as he looked at me and I nodded gesturing him to take it. He took it out of his pocket and answered it. With every word he spoke, his irritation grew. He hung up the phone call. "Where's the wardrobe?", he asked me and my eyes pointed behind him.

Namjoon opened my wardrobe and took out a very lose t-shirt of his choice from my stack of comfortable clothes. He held my arms and slipped the t-shirt on me, pulling me close. He stroked my face and he smiled in my face which forced me to smile as well.

"Am I suppose to expect something from you or should I forget this?", I asked him as his fingers tucked the few strands of my hair behind my ear.

"You're supposed to expect everything, don't dare forget it", he whispered in my ear, nibbling on it and I couldn't help but giggle. "I want to talk to you but I've to go now and I hate it", he smiled at me.

"Okay, go", I told him and he chuckled before letting me off him and he wore his shirt back on.

After seeing him off and taking a shower, I laid back on the couch in the living room thinking about everything that had happened. I didn't regret it, I wasn't thinking much about it anyway.

The guys I'd sex with or made out with, I disliked them because of their narcissism. I appreciated my ability to find guys that were a-grade assholes. I've always had this feeling that I am lacking in some sense with other people. I look normal, like I should but I get this insecurity when taking my clothes off.

I didn't knew what Namjoon thought about it and asking him would be weird. No one who knows me like him would think I am this insecure or anxious about this stuff but then a major part of it has to do with my aura, I guess?

________________

I took a bite of the sandwich that I held in my hand as I walked around the second set just nearby to the first one. I stood afar, taking a good look, even though the storyboard fits the sights I still need to frame out a rough sketch work in my head.

I took another bite staring at the beach and the path to it and then back to the set that we'd build up by man power. It was pretty accurate in my eyes but I wanted to hear from my assistant director.

I took the walkie talkie out from the pocket of my denim and pressed the centre button, "Jae-chan, where are you?"

In a second he reverted, "Ah sunbae I am near the gripper".

"Come to the road that leads to the beach", I said, before shoving the walkie talkie down in my pocket.

The sea met the sky at the far point of the horizon and how the world is full of these illusions which are not real we know but we still believe. After all there's beauty in things that you don't get. Vastness maybe?

Sea and sky — the two melancholic blues.

"Sunbae?", Jae Chan broke the chain of my thoughts and I glanced at him before looking at the sea. His breath was heavy, I could tell he ran here.

"You could have walked, Chan-ah", I said, smiling. He was really young and passionate about filmmaking but also a little silly. He's cute.

"Ah it's okay. Did you need something?", he asked politely and I shook my head. I liked the input of many people on the same thing, it showed the number of opinions that could centre around one thing that you make in a different context which is then perceived in another.

"Do you think this is accurate in terms of the story board?", I asked him and he seemed lost in thought.

"I would say slightly better because the storyboard is still animation and this is real so I would say better. I'm pretty sure it'll be good sunbae", he told me and I could feel a smile flush on my lips. "You are nervous, aren't you?", he asked me.

"Yeah", I wrinkled my nose, turning around to walk off. I patted Jae Chan's back and he started walking with me.

"You don't have to be, and oh, he's here", he said assuring me and I knew who he meant by he.

My mind automatically went to the day in my apartment. Namjoon had messaged me after but he got busier with his work and I am not a text-er plus I'd a lot of things to do before I left Korea. It was, I didn't knew anything and I didn't want to think about it. I hoped he'd pretend nothing happened, please. But I knew he won't.

I sighed and as I entered the main set, around the vanity and food truck, the manager and Namjoon's staff members greeted me. After that, I mean impractically I wanted earth to open and swallow me. Living is hard anyway.

I'd a flight on the weekend, I'd to pack and I'd to get new boots but I'm just dumb because I'm trying to think of other things. I need a new nail paint, do I? I looked at my nails which were painted black. Maybe grey?

"Sunbae?", Jae Chan shook me and I looked at him. He gestured me to look up front and Namjoon was right there looking like Namjoon.

"Hi", I awkwardly waved at him.

"Hi", he flashed his dimple smile at me. His dimple smile hits me.

"You can get the makeup and hair done, I've a few things to recheck", I excused myself. This is awkward. This is so awkward. I hate it.

Δ

Even though I had that awkwardness lingering around but we were nearing to the end of the shoot which went really good because everyone worked so hard. It was mostly one-takes and the lighting supported the whole setting making it so easier for us to finish.

Moreover, it was a while since I had done a music video so it felt good being back on a set like this. Namjoon looked really good with the styling and although I knew the outfits pre-shoot, he still looked better then I'd imagined him to look which enhanced the whole vibe of the music video. He owned earthly tones.

That's why casting and styling is so important. Very much. Makes a gigantic difference.

"What's wrong with you?", I didn't notice he was standing next to me with a small fan in his hands while we prepped for the last shot.

"What's wrong with me?", I asked him, as I adjusted the frame in the main camera. I didn't want this conversation especially right now, especially here.

"I mean...you knowww?", I could feel his stare while I shifted the camera, something is wrong with this.

"I don't know", I said, without looking at him. I was unintentionally making him mad and nothing else.

"I was really scared that you'd say this and see, I mean, why can't you behave normal when I mention anything about us?", he hissed near me and I looked around. Luckily there was no one in our proximity to hear this conversation.

"I-I, Namjoon", I exclaimed, vaguely pointing at the setting hoping we could do this later and I could explain that I would love us but he needs to understand that I won't even be in Korea as much as he thinks I would be and that's why it won't work out.

"I don't care", he eyed me.

"I do. I care, okay? There's no us to begin with and I know I was stupid enough to ask you what I should expect out of, what would you call it, we made out. That's that", I tried being really slow and I could feel annoyance in his sight.

"Made out! Okay, okay fine. I can't believe I deal with you. You're the one who doesn't text or call or even respond to it and that's bare minimum ___", he pondered and I internally rolled my eyes.

I was leaving on the weekend. I was always leaving. That's it. "I don't have to and I have a life Namjoon. I've been working non stop all this time. I don't expect you to understand", I said, standing up from my seat while I called for the head DOP from the walkie talkie.

"You don't want to be understood ___", Namjoon said, grabbing me from my arm and stopping me. He wasn't wrong. A few eyes snapped and I forced a smile immediately. "I like you, I like you a lot. Deal with it", he walked past me.

Deal with it.

As if.

Very abruptly, the last shot rolled in and it was over. The music video was done in a day. It was originally a two day sketch but we had to narrow it down to one day because of Namjoon's schedule and it was worrisome because it did seem impossible but things went smoothly and it was successfully over.

I told Jae Chan to wrap the filming site, though most of it was done while I was present. I picked my bag from a table to leave, kept right ahead from the vanity. Namjoon had left, I guess. I wasn't sure because after the last shot he was angry. He had his jaw clenched all that time, he barely managed to keep it out on the music video.

He was like this, his anger was pretty evident and that hadn't changed.

I like you. I like you a lot.

I couldn't wrap my head around that thought. Did he like me all this time? It sounded pretty crazy to me. I had never thought about anything with Namjoon. He was a friend I could like but I didn't, I had never expected anything out of my acquaintance with him anyway.

"You ate?", his deep voice made me look at him who stood at the steps of the vanity. He hadn't left yet.

"No", I said. He had changed into his normal clothes, the makeup was gone but he still looked great. His natural complexion was shining as the set lights fell onto his face. It made me surer how Namjoon needed someone who could be there rather then somebody who's never there.

"Come eat something", he said calmly. He looked much composed then before.

"I am not hungry", I stated just when he darted towards me. He held me by my forearm, dragging me into the vanity which was empty except for us. A few dishes were laid out on the table in front of the small couch.

"Eat and leave", he said, taking a seat on one of the chairs in front of the mirrors fidgeting with his phone while I quietly sat on the couch. I just wanted it to be over but I'd no appetite so I kept staring at the couple of Italian dishes which were pasta, carbonara I guess, rissoto and also jjangmyeong. "Just eat anything ___", he said, without bothering to look at me.

"I don't really have an appetite", I said, throwing my head back and looking at the ceiling of the vanity.

"What you've is a habit of skipping meals", he eyed me.

I looked at him. "Do you remember everything? Like literally everything?", I asked him as curiosity brimmed in my eyes.

"You don't?", he asked me back. "Well, for me, yeah I do. I did remember every thing but I should probably forget now. I didn't really asked to work with you because I wanted something but I can't say I didn't hope", he locked his phone and kept it on the space in front him. "I mean, we did had something. We did have something a few days ago. You can't exactly call me a friend and I've never seen you as one. The moment you walked in trying to fix the mess on the set since then till now I can't say I didn't hope you'd look at me the same way", he said, bringing all the memories back alive, but it was true, I never looked at him the way he'd wanted me to, hell, I couldn't believe it one bit. "It's true", he said, as if he just read my mind.

It was, it didn't made sense to me. How could he? Why would he? I uh, I think shit's wrong with me because even now I can't seem to focus on someone who confessed their feelings and that someone being Namjoon from all people.

I remember when I was one of the assistant directors under the director for one of the most low-key and low budget project. They didn't had many resources and our firm wasn't doing well either. We always had to come up with hacks, unknown locations for shooting...it was always so hard. We didn't had any respect in the industry.

It was two companies in one boat at the end of bankruptcy and we were so young and such good friends. I knew the rest of the members too but I kind of had a certain vibe with Namjoon. He could get me without having to speak.

I locked at him, his face was fixated on me and I could like him, in fact I did love him not romantically, I just did. I had a lot of love for him. He was caring for the people around him and I loved talking to him. He never once made anyone feel like he was a celebrity back then and a global celebrity now well yeah. He did deserve someone who could be here for him.

He stood up and walked towards me and my eyes followed him. He took a seat next to me and I could see he picked a bowl up but I didn't see which one because I couldn't stop looking at him. Namjoon took a significant amount and extended it to me and I looked at the noodles for a second and then at him. He just nodded and I ate it.

It was good.

"Thanks", I said, wiping the corners of my mouth with my fingers.

"Do you want me to feed you all the way or can you eat your own?", he asked me.

"I will eat", I told him and he gave me the bowl so I could eat on my own. "You ate?", I asked him and he instantly nodded.

"You're going somewhere, aren't you?", he asked me and I felt as if I've just been struck with something.

"Hmm", I said, my mouth almost filled. "And, I...I want to tell you something like adults and clear it. Namjoon you know my work and I am always not here, never. It's useless. Trust me on this, it's not like that but you know you'll need someone beside you and I can't be the one", I told him, calmly, before gulping water down.

"I know that but I'm okay with it. In fact, we would go hand in hand better because I can't take you out on exotic dates as well. This is what you get", he vaguely gestured at the vanity and I chuckled and he warmly smiled at me.

After a second, I spoke much seriously then before, "It will be hard and you know that. It'll be frustrating. You could hate me".

"If you've tired it with someone before, I am not exactly happy knowing this, but you shouldn't compare me with some random dude with a peculiar taste in leather clothing", he rolled his eyes, shifting his back comfortably.

"Hey! Don't be mean just because you see stuff on my Instagram", I scoffed and he maintained his long face.

"No really, what do you take me for? You think you won't have time for me? I won't have time for you", he went on.

"Namjoon", I dragged his name. His tendency to be sarcastic at odd moments is unmatched.

"Don't call my name like that", he stared at my eyes.

"Like what?", I asked him.

"Like you can love me", he said.

"I...you don't have to be like this", I said, keeping the empty bowl on the table.

"Give me a chance then, try it out. I would wait for you I promise", Namjoon took my hand in his and covered it with his warmth.

"Will I be able to...wait?", I looked away from him, thinking about it so hard.

"___ don't think too much. I promise, we'll be fine", he said, his hands travelling to my waist and before he could grab it. I screeched closer to him. I cupped his face and attached my lips to his, while his hands held on my body.

________________

My relationship with Namjoon was better then I imagined it. I tried my best to be there for him and he was surprisingly almost there for me but it wasn't exactly easy.

It was months and months of hardships and Namjoon was more needy then I thought him to be, he needed a lot of assurance. I don't understand the notion that he holds of everyone wanting me so he needs to be extra careful. I still don't get that his insecure ass doesn't trusts his own members, he won't let me meet them at all.

He was really different. He shifted from dominant to romantic in one second. I loved that. I kind of missed it so much.

He held my hand I could feel it by the way his skin felt against mine, he whirled me around and in a second his hand rested on my waist as he urged me to walk next to him. He was in a perfect disguise and I looked at him. I could tell he was smiling beneath his black mask.

"See, this is why I don't trust other guys! How could you let someone do this to you in the midst of the road in a foreign country?", he asked me.

"No stranger would confidently do this to anyone in a foreign country", I playfully hit him on his leg and he stopped, pretending to be gravely hurt. "I can't believe you", I looked at him as I went with his act. I supported him in standing completely. In a second, he intertwined his fingers with mine.

"I missed you", he softly whispered in my ear.

"I missed you too", I whispered back, softly. I pulled him in an empty alley and pulled his mask down. "I need you to do something", I told him, nibbling on his ear and I could feel my skin feel the heat that it yearned for since a couple of months before him going on tour.

"Right now?", he asked surprised.

"Yeah, right now", I said and I could feel him harden against my pelvis.

"You are...so, not right now. Let's go to your hotel room. I'm still famous", he pulled me closer and I chuckled. He turned me around, pulling his mask down, he kissed me hard. His mouth pressed against mine. I held him tightly and he gasped. "I love you", he softly said before pulling his mask up.

"I, you", I held his hand again.

[creambunnie]

Once Again📖

ONEWE - Kanghyun x Y/N (angst)

enjoy!

From : Kang Pingu 🐧

- if you are done taking pictures with your family and friends, meet me in the classroom for a bit♡ -

you grinned when you received his message and excused yourself from your parents and friends before heading towards the classroom of the last year of your highschool life.

it was finally your graduation day and Hyungu planned to celebrate together after celebrating with your families respectively.

you arrived at the classroom but no one was there. you pouted and decided to wait by sitting on one of the desks. you scanned the classroom for the last time, absorbing every single detail of the place where you created bittersweet memories with your classmates. it was also the place where Hyungu confessed about his feelings to you.

you smiled widely as you recalled his bold yet funny confession. he put up a brave front but was actually so nervous that when you responded back to his feelings, he fell down because his knees got weak. your friends were quite worried when they heard you started dating Hyungu. well, Hyungu did not really have a good reputation, among the students and the teachers.

but you ensured your friends that you would be careful and that you were sure Hyungu was serious about your relationship.

you snapped out of your thoughts and decided to wait for Hyungu at the door. you peeked out to see if your boyfriend was already on his way to the classroom, but instead, a couple caught your eyes.

they were at the staircase, the girl was backfacing you so you did not see her face. the boy's head was also tilted to the side so his face was blocked too.

"oooh, a new couple? but really? at the stairs? i wonder who that guy is, he looks super familiar." you thought and was about to give the 'couple' their private space when the boy straightened up, revealing none other than Kang Hyungu. he smiled at the girl and stayed for a while as the girl patted his head before walking down the stairs towards your classroom.

you blinked a few times as you tried to process what you just witnessed. you felt your heart squeezed in pain as tears started flowing down your cheeks.

"did... did i just jinxed myself?". you mumbled to yourself. you quickly took your bag and wanted to leave quickly but Hyungu was faster.

he opened the door with a big smile but it quickly turned into worry when he saw you crying. "babe? what happened?". he asked softly as he approached you.

you avoided him and was about to exit the classroom when Hyungu grabbed your wrist as he balanced the box he was carrying with his other hand and his body.

"babe, what happened??". he asked again.

you sniffed and pulled your hand away. "you, all these while i thought you changed. but i was wrong. you are still the same playboy Kang Hyungu. old habits die hard, huh? you came here late because you were having a fun time with another girl? i should have listened to my friends. dating you was a mistake,".

Hyungu frowned, confused about what you were talking about.

"huh? what do you mean? i was late because i was preparing my presents for you,". Hyungu explained.

you frowned deeper at his words. "i saw everything, Hyungu. you don't have to lie! if i am not a good partner, then just tell me that, no need to cheat behind me, just break up with me!".

Hyungu was confused at your sudden burst of anger. "but you're the only one that i like! have you seen me flirting with others when i started dating you?".

you rolled your eyes and glared at him. "i wouldn't know, you might have done it when i'm not around!".

Hyungu sighed and ruffled his hair in frustration. "do you not trust me?". he asked.

"no, i don't.". you replied without hesitation. you gulped your pain when you see the hurt in his eyes.

"look into my eyes and tell me that you didn't feel any sincerity from me in these 5 months that we've been together." Hyungu asked with teary eyes.

your heart felt so painful. but you had to do what was best for you. you promised your friends to be careful so you were going to keep that promise.

"it must have been fun playing with me, right? just like how you played with other girls. i really thought i was the special person who could change you. but i was being pathetic. i'm just an idiot who fell for the school's infamous playboy.".

a tear finally fell on Hyungu's cheek. he was hurt. extremely hurt. he then stretched his arm to give you the box that he had been carrying since just now.

"i want to give some presents to congratulate you for graduation. please accept them." he managed to whisper.

you frowned at his sudden change of topic and slapped his hands away together with the box.

you heard something broke when the box made contact with the hard ground. if you didn't know any better, you would have thought that you just heard your heart shattered.

Hyungu froze on his spot as he stared at the box. you quickly ran out of the classroom before you softened back up for your ex.

and that was the last time you met Hyungu before the both of you moved on with your lives. you remembered to quickly block Hyungu's number and blocked him on every social medias that you had. you didn't want anything to do with him anymore.

you were embarrassed of yourself. you were so proud when you started dating Hyungu, you were so confident that he was serious about you. but at the end, it was just your imagination. he didn't change at all.

~4 years later~

after graduating from high school, you got accepted into your dream university and studied in Japan for 4 years majoring in journalism. writing has been your hobby since you were little and aiming to be a well-known journalist was your ambition.

it was not easy to leave things back at your home country behind you especially after getting your heart broken so harshly on your graduation day. but you believed working hard towards your dream was a good way to distract yourself from all the unnecessary drama.

you focused on school and excelled all your semesters. you became the best student and was given the honour of being the valedictorian of your cohort.

it was finally time for you to come home to your family. they did visit you a few times when you were in Japan, but the feeling of coming back home was different.

From : Yubi❤

-you're back in South Korea?! great timing, our class reunion is next Saturday. you better come after skipping 4 years of our reunion dinner !!! we all miss you🥺-

you sighed as you read the message from your close friend. you were not really someone who likes to socialise with others, it's true they were your highschool classmates, but it had been years since you've met them. you might be awkward.

From : Yubi❤

-if you even think of skipping, i'm gonna drag you out of your house😠-

you chuckled and rolled your eyes.

To : Yubi❤

-okay okay, i will come, just text me the venue when it's confirmed.-

you scanned the huge hotel and took a deep breath before walking through the grand entrance. "wow they must be rich to book such a fancy place." you mumbled as you went to the customer service counter to ask for the room number that was booked for your class dinner.

as the staff was looking through the lists, you couldn't help but check out the beautiful architecture. your gaze fell to the floor as you realised that each tile had a different design. "wow, this hotel is totally on another level.". you whispered as you analysed them one by one.

a pair of pink shoes stopped walking and caught your eyes. you raised an eyebrow and looked up slowly to see the owner of the pink shoes.

your breath hitched. you made eye contact with the person. the person's eyes widened as he saw you. just as he was about to walk towards you, a lady grabbed him by his arm and dragged him away, she probably didn't notice you who were a few metres away.

"oi Kanghyun!! will you hurry up and walk? they're all waiting for us in the room already!!". the lady called the person by his nickname.

your thoughts were interrupted when the staff tapped your shoulder gently. "your room number is 3. i will bring you there". you nodded and bowed slightly to thank the staff.

you were now in front of the room. loud excited voices could be heard from the inside. *such youthful energy* you thought and knocked on the door before opening it slowly.

the previous noise quietened down at your entrance. you were frozen at the door. *w--why are they staring at me*. you smiled awkwardly and waved your hand at them.

"hi?". the second you greeted, your former classmates cheered and some even ran to you and gave you hugs and pats. "y/n!! we missed you so much!" "y/n! you are finally home!" "welcome back!!" "how was school in Japan?".

"there there guys, y/n needs to sit first at least. your questions can wait. the evening is still young!". Yubi came to your rescue. you gave her a grateful smile. Yubi smiled back and hugged you tightly. "welcome back!!".

you caught up with your friends. some were working full time at big companies, some were getting engaged, some just finished their studies, like you. you were engrossed in your conversation when a word, or a name, from the table next to you caught your ear.

"Kang Hyungu, how many girlfriends have you had in uni? still a playboy aren't you?" one of the boys joked.

your hand curled up into a fist. you were about to shoot the other table a glare when the lady who dragged Hyungu earlier defended him.

"this guy? trust me, he never dated anyone after highschool. he focused on his studies and never looked at girls. he rejected everyone who confessed to him. i was shocked too, you know being his classmate in highschool and seeing his abrupt change in uni, a whole new experience."

your former classmates widened their eyes as they looked at Hyungu, who was eating silently. his composure was still as cool and cold as ever.

"you are kidding !! he couldn't even be single for a week back then! what do you mean he never dated after highschool?".

the lady, Ara, nodded her head and sighed. "i don't know who broke his heart so bad he didn't even want to date or befriend other girls. that's why i'm stuck to his side." Ara explained and knocked Hyungu's head. Hyungu pouted and rubbed his head as he looked up.

after eavesdropping the conversation, you were surprised too. you turned to look into the direction of his table and saw his pouty face. you gulped. "cute..." you mumbled and quickly turned away when the both of you accidentally made your second eye contact for today.

you almost forgot he was your former classmate too, of course he would be here. you were just too busy with your close friends that you didn't realise his presence earlier.

from your peripheral vision, you sensed Hyungu still staring at you. after a few seconds, you finally let out the breath you were holding in unconciously when you see him turn his head away.

"bye bye y/n!! see you again soon!!" Yubi bid you goodbye as her boyfriend came to pick her up. you waved back at her and waited by the entrance for your ride.

"y/n?". you felt your head tingled as you heard a familiar gentle voice calling your name. you looked up from your phone only to be greeted by none other than Kang Hyungu.

"Hyu--Hyungu... it's been a while". you managed to breathe out.

Hyungu gave a small smile and nodded.

it was awkward. after all, you separated on bad terms and never contacted each other ever since.

Hyungu moved closer to you. his expression looked sad yet happy.

"can i hug you?". Hyungu suddenly asked. you bit your lips. you hesitated before nodding slightly. letting him hug you won't hurt, right?

wrong.

when his arms wrapped around you, your emotions from 4 years ago surged up again. his gentle yet tight hug. his warm scent. his soft face buried into the crook of your neck.

you were frozen. everything was too overwhelming.

"i mis--" Hyungu's words were interrupted when someone called out your name.

you snapped out of your zone and gently pulled yourself away from Hyungu. Hyungu let you go hesitantly as he wiped his teary eyes and looked at the person who called your name.

"ah Harin!! did you wait for long?" you approached the person earlier and patted his shoulder. Harin shook his head and looked at Hyungu.

you thought it was only right to introduce them to each other. "Harin, this is my former classmate, Kang Hyungu, and Hyungu, this is Ju Harin, we went to the same university". Hyungu gulped and bowed slightly towards Harin.

"ni--nice to meet you. thank you for taking care of y/n! i--i should excuse myself now.". Hyungu said as he quickly left you and Harin. Harin shrugged his shoulders and led you to his car.

~

it had been so long since you came back home, you finally had the time to walk around your neighbourhood. you realised that in the span of 4 years, alot of things could change. you continued walking in the homey streets until you reached your favourite bookshop. you smiled widely and quickly entered it. you were happy the shop was still there.

your body automatically brought you over to the comics section. you enjoyed all sorts of genres but comics were your stress reliever. your eyes widened at some new collections.

"ooh, this one looks interesting". you mumbled as you picked up the new crime comic. "that one is good, you should read it". you jumped at the sudden voice beside your ear.

you quickly turned to your side. Hyungu backed away abit and gave a cheeky smile.

"wh-what are you doing here?". you asked abit too loud than usual because you were shocked. Hyungu blinked and chuckled with a pfft.

"i am here to buy some books, then i saw you looking at that good comic so i decided to greet you. yo!".

you nodded awkwardly and wanted to walk away but Hyungu's words stopped you.

"you know, i can suggest you other new good comics that will surely suit your taste!". you bit your lip and shook your head. "it's okay, i just wanted to look around. thanks for your offer". you bowed and quickly walked away.

Hyungu watched your back moved away from him. his shoulders dropped as he pouted. *did i scare her away?* he thought as he went to the cashier to pay for his books.

you felt blood rushing to your face as you exited the shop. you totally forgot that Hyungu also regularly visits that shop. heck, it used to be one of the places where you always went to during your dates.

despite his bad boy image, Hyungu was surprisingly an avid reader. he always had the best recommendations. you were tempted by his offer but you thought it was weird to suddenly be close again with him.

your mood was abit down after the encounter as old memories came flooding back to your mind. *ah, i thought 4 years were enough to forget about him. but meeting him twice right after coming back like this is not helping at all* you thought as you walked back home.

~

you tapped your foot on the ground, following the rythm of the song that you were listening to as you waited for Harin in the mall.

you planned to meet up at 2pm but he was abit late so you waited for him inside since the weather was hot.

"we meet again!" you heard as you felt one of your earpiece being pulled out softly. you jumped and turned only to be greeted by none other than, you guessed it, Kang Hyungu.

you frowned and took out your other earpiece. "at this rate, i feel like you're stalking me". Hyungu chuckled and shook his head. "no no, i was here since morning, i had some stuff to do, and then i saw you here alone".

"i'm actually waiting for Harin. ugh why is he so late? i'm hungry.."

when he heard the name, Hyungu's smile was gone. his current expression was unreadable. "oh, well then, i will wait here with you". you let Hyungu be as you scanned the crowd for Harin.

"how was Japan?".

"it was great and refreshing. school was okay too, abit hard but i survived. how about you? you graduated from uni too right recently?". Hyungu nodded.

"i started working at the music shop here, today is actually my off day but i had to fix some things so yeah.."

your mouth turned into an "O" shape as you heard him. he was very interested and quite talented in music back in highschool, it was not a surprise for him to pursue something related to music.

Hyungu saw a familiar face among the crowd. "oh there's H--" he cut his own words when he saw a lady beside Harin, her arm linked with Harin's.

*he is late because he is with another girl? he is cheating on y/n at the place that they're meeting up at?? how dare he?* Hyungu thought as he tried to block your view from Harin. *i gotta protect y/n*.

"yo y/n!! y/n?" Hyungu heard Harin's voice but he still stood in front of you, blocking Harin from seeing you.

you frowned and gently pushed Hyungu aside. "oh Harin! you are finally here!!!" you slapped Harin's arm and quickly turned to the lady beside him.

"Dani!!! you are here too!" you greeted and hugged the lady. Dani hugged you back and passed something to you. "i'm sorry,,, i misplaced the souvenier i bought you so Harin had to search for it with me, that's why we were late.". you cooed at Dani and patted her head. "aww it's okay, thank you for the gift!".

Hyungu looked at the scene with a confused look. you finally remembered him being there and introduced him to Dani. "Dani, this is Hyungu, my former highschool classmate, Hyungu, this is Dani, my former housemate back in Japan!".

Hyungu frowned. *Harin is cheating on y/n with her former housemate?!?!*.

"oii mr boyfriend, where are we going to eat at?". Dani turned to Harin and asked.

Hyungu's eyes widened. *huh???huh???*

"you and y/n are not dating each other?" Hyungu blurted out as he pointed towards you and Harin.

you and Harin looked at each other and shivered in disgust at the same time. "never!! why would you even think that?!" you asked. Harin quickly wrapped his arm around Dani and shook his head. "Dani is the only one for me".

"then why did he pick you up the other night?".

you bursted a pfft, Hyungu's face was hilarious. he was furious and confused at the same time.

"the three of us had plans after my dinner, so Harin picked me up. Dani was in the car too. Harin, being the gentleman he is, volunteered to escort me personally to the car".

Dani couldn't help but laugh too. you were the one who introduced her to Harin anyways, it was funny to think that someone misunderstood Harin and your relationship.

"ok that aside, let's go eat, i'm so hungryy" you whined and linked your arms with Harin and Dani. Hyungu's eyes twitched when he saw how comfortable you were with Harin.

"Hyungu should join us too!! the more the merrier!" Dani invited Hyungu. Hyungu was about to reject but seeing your flustered expression, he quickly accepted the invitation. he kind of missed seeing this side of you.

you ended up walking beside Hyungu while the lovely couple led the way to Harin's recommended restaurant.

the walk was quiet between the two of you. Hyungu felt abit guilty for being selfish, he accepted the invitation, totally ignoring your feelings.

"if you don't want me to join, i can back away now." Hyungu said. you quickly shook your head and unconciously tugged his sleeve. "i don't mind.. please join us". Hyungu grinned at your response. "alright, i will stay".

as you arrived at the restaurant, Dani excused herself to the bathroom. you decided to help Harin with the orders while Hyungu reserved a table for the four of you. the other reason you volunteered to help was so that you didn't have to be alone with Hyungu.

Dani came back from the bathroom and went to Hyungu. "oh y/n is helping Harin? then i will sit here and chat with you!".

Hyungu gave a small smile. he was still abit awkward around other girls if he was alone. "Hyungu, you like y/n don't you?" Dani attacked with an innocent smile.

Hyungu was taken aback but nodded anyways. like was an understatement. you were in his mind every second for the whole 4 years, meeting you once again made his dull world colourful again.

Dani giggled and poked Hyungu's arm. "you are so obvious. don't worry, i will help you!" Dani winked and quickly backed away when you and Harin came with your food. Hyungu pursed his lips into a thin line. he didn't know what Dani was up to.

you sat beside Dani, acrossed from Hyungu. you focused on your food and Dani, trying your best not to stare at the handsome Hyungu.

"so y/n, do you have anyone you like now?" Dani randomly asked you. your hand paused from picking up food for abit before chuckling awkwardly. "hahaha what a question, Dani. hmm i don't think i like anyone now". you swore your voice was trembling.

Dani smirked slightly at your response and was about to turn to Hyungu when Harin chirped into the conversation. "eh? how about that Jungwoo guy? don't you have a crush on him?".

you gulped as you felt your whole face became warm. "Ju-Jungwoo? he is cute, but i just admire him from afar. i don't like like him..."

Harin raised an eyebrow. "really? then why are you so emba--" his words were cut off when Dani kicked his leg under the table. she signalled him towards Hyungu and widened her eyes as if saying "have some sense Ju Harin!!". Harin pouted and continued eating his food.

there was definitely tension between you and Hyungu now. Dani tried to lighten up the mood with another topic as her plan A failed. she really wanted to help Hyungu.

after the meal, you and Harin started discussing some matters related to your future job, which was the main agenda for today's meet up. you switched seats with Dani so that you were opposite of Harin.

Dani called out Hyungu's name softly. "sorry for earlier. i just wanted to help but Harin interrupted. anyway, i'm gonna move to plan B later." Hyungu frowned and glanced at you and Harin who were engrossed in the discussion before leaning closer to the table. "what exactly are you planning??". Hyungu whispered.

Dani smirked and whispered her ideas. Hyungu listened carefully and processed her words. "so, what do you think?" Hyungu slowly nodded, agreeing to her plan.

it was finally time to separate. while Harin and Dani were going back by car, your house was just a walking distance from the mall.

"oh! Hyungu, do you have anything after this? why don't you walk y/n home?"

you almost choked on your own saliva and quickly shook your head. "i-i can go home by myself". Hyungu patted your head and gave a big smile. "i can, no, i want to walk you home!".

you sighed in defeat and nodded. "fine then. thanks Harin and Dani for today! and i'll email you the file later, Harin." Harin nodded and bid you goodbye before leaving with Dani.

you looked at Hyungu and pointed your finger awkwardly to the direction that you were going to. Hyungu walked beside you in silence. you too walked quietly, selfishly enjoying the warmth of his company.

"it feels like we are back to highschool days where i always walk you home". Hyungu started.

you just listened, not responding to his words. "we should go visit the bookshop again together one day. i remember how you would always frown slightly when you read the description of some comics, not because you hated them, but you actually loved them that your expressions couldn't be controlled. also the little pout when the volume you wanted was sold out and we have to either go to another shop or buy them online. oh and remember when--"

"that was all 4 years ago, Hyungu. can we not talk about it anymore?" you said with a slight firmness in your voice.

Hyungu paused for abit before chuckling. "for these 4 years, i've been trying to think of what you meant by me having fun with another girl that's why i was late" your fists curled into a fist as you felt your head become heavy.

"i really like you, y/n. i was serious about our relationship back then. you changed me, you were the only one that i like, i never look at other girls when i started dating you. i was hurt when you said those things to me. i really didn't understand"

you stopped in your tracks as you faced Hyungu with teary eyes. he really dared to lie to you even after 4 years?

you were about to hit his chest but he grabbed your wrist. "i finally figured it out".

~4 years ago~

Hyungu ensured that he had wrapped the big box of gifts for you properly. he carried the box carefully and walked down the staircase towards your classroom.

it was a bit difficult for him to see what was in front due to the box and Hyungu accidentally bumped into someone. he panicked for abit and quickly hugged the box to his body tightly.

"sorry, i didn't see you there!" Hyungu apologised.

the person he bumped into also apologised. "ah Hyungu? sorry! i was in a rush. oh no your hair! are you meeting anyone now?".

Hyungu's hair was a bit out of place after bumping into Ara. "is it bad? i'm meeting my girlfriend!" Hyungu asked, worried about his appearance. he wanted to look his best for you.

Ara reached out her hand to help but Hyungu leaned away. "it's okay, i can do it by myself".

Ara rolled her eyes and flicked Hyungu's forehead. "yeah but you can't see yourself, i can. here squat down abit, you have to look extra handsome for you girlfriend! after bumping into you, the least i could do is help you look presentable".

Hyungu hesitated but squatted for abit and tilted his head for Ara to help. Ara fixed Hyungu's hair and patted his hair for the last step.

"all done! now go impress your pretty girlfriend!"

Hyungu grinned cheekily at the thought of you and thanked Ara before heading towards the classroom.

and that was when the harsh break up happened.

~

a tear fell down your face as you finished listening to his explanation.

"it was all just a misunderstanding! and i totally understand you, i should have been more careful. i really really like you, y/n. i was sincere for all those months. you heard Ara the other day right? i didn't date anyone at all after you. thoughts about you occupied my mind 24/7. i wanted to reach out to you but.. you blocked me on all platforms. i came to your house a few times but your mother said you didn't want to meet anyone. the next time i visited, you already went to Japan. i tried asking your close friends on how to contact you but, they didn't like me so they didn't help me at all. they said i didn't deserve to talk to you anymore because i hurt you. so i waited for fate to bring us back together. and that night, when i saw your face after so long, i felt so happy".

more tears flowed down your face. Hyungu wiped them away with his thumb as he felt himself tearing up too.

"i'm..... i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry" was all you managed to say to Hyungu as you started sobbing into his chest. Hyungu hugged you as he rubbed your back.

"can we go back to our happy moment, y/n? i missed you so much." Hyungu whispered as he sniffed.

you pulled yourself away from Hyungu and rubbed your eyes before cupping Hyungu's face with one of your hands. you carressed his face gently with your thumb and shook your head.

"that was all 4 years ago, Hyungu. we can never go back to those happy time. things aren't the same anymore"

Hyungu frowned and leaned into your palm. "then we can start over. things don't have to be the same. i just want to be with you again".

you let his face go. "my feelings for you are not the same anymore, Hyungu. how can we start over if my heart is already closed?"

"you're lying." Hyungu said as his voice trembled.

you chuckled bitterly. "i'm sorry for hurting you Hyungu. i really am. i just, want to focus on building up my career now. i was offered a job back at Japan and i don't want to lose this opportunity. i can't afford to be distracted by relationships. i can't accept your feelings like how i accepted them in highschool. i have other commitments to focus on now. i'm...sorry"

Hyungu clutched onto his chest as he felt nothing but pain in his heart.

you slowly walked away from Hyungu but was stopped by Hyungu's soft voice.

"i won't disturb you anymore but i just want to know one thing. do you hate me?".

you gulped and took a deep breath before turning around to look at his pained face.

"of course not, Hyungu. i will never hate you."

Hyungu gave a small smile despite tears falling down his face non-stop.

"thank you y/n".

you turned away as your feet quickly led you back to your house. you ran up to your room and locked your door before breaking down fully.

you buried your face in between your knees as your sobs echoed in the room.

*you don't deserve to talk to me? i'm the ONE who doesn't deserve to talk to you, Hyungu* you thought.

Hyungu was so gentle and kind to you, he loved you so much but just because of your insecurity, you ruined everything.

you didn't even let him explain things back then and said hurtful words to him. and yet he continued liking you and wanting to clear up the misunderstanding even after years of not meeting each other.

you didn't deserve such a kind person. you didn't deserve his love. you were embarrassed to even face Hyungu now after knowing the truth.

you hated yourself for again escaping from reality. you contacted Harin, asking for the job process to be quickened.

*this will make me forget about him. this will help me forget about him* you chanted and fell asleep from the exhaustion of crying and from the pain in your heart for lying to Kang Hyungu.

.

.

a/n: how was it? haha i hope yall enjoyed the roller coaster ride!

[likefacesaretohearts]

Close in Quarantine

Category - friends to lovers trope

Warnings - smut, unprotected sex

Word count: 1486

Hi y'all! This is my first fic on this page so I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. I want this to be a place to have fun and where WOC can see themselves reflected in fics. Much love!

Chris was saying the usual goodbyes and thank yous that occur at the end of an interview. Because everything was being done over Zoom and the video lagged even with the best of WiFi, there was the awkward overlapping of him and the interviewer talking at the same time. Once he was in the clear and was sure the call was off, he let out a big sigh and closed his laptop.

"I swear they ask the same questions every press run I do,” he said.

You emerge from the kitchen with a cold beer in hand, finally able to go into the living room. Chris didn't want you wandering around in the background while he was on the Zoom call because he knew that if anyone caught a glimpse of you, social media and the gossip blogs would be alight with rumors of Chris Evans and His Mysterious New Flame. In reality, you weren't together. Neither of you were really sure what you were, but there was certainly an ember of attraction there that had been building since you started quarantining together.

“Why don't you let me ask you the questions then,” you tease as you plop down on the couch near him.

“I have to polish up my singing voice, maybe work on my choreography first, huh?” he said.

You were a music journalist, so you spent your work days talking to rockstars and the most polished pop stars about their lives and music then cranking out long form articles for their fans and haters alike to read. Chris came over and sat next to you on the couch with his arm resting on the back of the couch behind you. Being this close to him made you nervous but you didn't mind...it was a bit of a rush. He’d started singing a song purposefully off key, taking the beer from your hand and using it as a microphone.

“You are no Mariah Carey, sir,” you said, trying not to give him the satisfaction of cracking a smile..

He knocked back some sips of your beer and you try to grab it from him to no avail. He playfully moves the bottle around and holds it in the air, using his tall stature as an advantage.

“We’ve been quarantined together for three weeks, your germs are my germs at this point,” he said.

“Bull shit that is not how that works,” you said laughing.

You finally get a hold of his hand with the beer in it, but suddenly the vibe changes. Chris, with his scruffy quarantine beard and slightly grown out hair, had grabbed hold of you and pulled you into him in a bear hug in one swift movement. Over the past few weeks living together during the pandemic, you’d gotten to know each other much better than you had when the world was “normal.” You'd seen each other first thing in the morning and gotten used to speaking freely with each other without fear of sounding weird, as it turned out you both were. You had been a friend of Scott's for a few months, and met Chris through him while he was filming a movie in L.A. After meeting him during a night of drinking at Scott’s place, you hit it off but were only casual friends...until the rona hit.

One night in the beginning of it all, you were lonely in your apartment when Scott convinced you it'd be a good idea to quarantine with his sexy ass brother that you hardly knew.

“Y/N, it's the perfect idea! You're both single and I'm in Massachusetts with our family,” Scott said. “There's no reason you should drive yourselves crazy quarantining alone when you could just live together —just until all this is over.”

Your family was miles away in Texas and your L.A. friends had their own thing going on, so you took him up on the offer, totally skipping the steps of even establishing that you like each other to living together during a global pandemic. The first day was a bit awkward as it was natural to be — you were in someone who was two steps up from a stranger’s home and self conscious because, again, he was fine as hell – but that night the two of you sat on his living room floor and bonded.

“If we tell each other our darkest and most embarrassing parts of our lives, the awkwardness is gone,” Chris had said. So you spent 5 hours talking about the deepest hurts and the greatest joys of your lives. From then on, it felt like you had known each other for years. You even got close with Dodger, who at first wanted nothing to do with you or your cat that you’d brought with you, Mocha.

You relaxed into Chris’ arms, letting your desire to be close to him take precedence over the practical side of you that didn't want to potentially ruin the dynamic you'd built. Chris, almost as if it was instinctual, kissed the top of your head and held you as if he had done it a hundred times before.

Fuck the dynamic.

You turned around to face him, mustering every ounce of bravery you've ever had. Almost instantly, he leaned in, as if he'd been waiting on you to turn around this whole time. His beard bristled against your face as your lips crashed against each other's, finally finding their way to one another after weeks of just friendly banter. You were on top of him now, your hands grazing over his mid length hair while his traveled down to your ass.

“I've been wanting to touch you for weeks,” he said between kisses.

“Then why did I have to make the first move?” you said, a wry smile on your face.

A devious grin spread across Chris’ face as he flipped you over on the couch so that he was on top. He left wet kisses on your neck and after lifting your shirt over your head, moved to the parts of your chest left exposed from your bra and down to your stomach. Your hips bucked with an arch forming in your back, relishing in the fact that Evans’ hands and lips were all over your body.

The two of you in all your feverish affection managed to roll off of the couch and fall onto the carpet, somehow knocking down the half full beer off the coffee table in the process.

You were straddling Chris on the ground, wanting nothing more than to feel him inside of you, to feel his bare skin on yours. You noticed the beer spilled on the floor.

“Shit.”

“It's okay, babe, leave it,” Chris said, his voice gruff and husky.

He picked you up and carried you to his bedroom, a place you'd never seen. His room was pristinely clean, for a man at least — very little was out of place. He laid you on the bed with a sense of determination, whispering in your ear as he got on top of you, his shirt half off, “I'm gonna show you how bad I've been wanting this.” His Boston accent had come out in full force...you'd only heard it like this after you'd both been drinking and your own Texas twang snuck out.

“I dare you,” you replied.

Everything seemed to move at lightning speed after that. It was like there was electricity within the touch of his fingers. In a whirlwind he took off your clothes and his own and before you knew it you could feel his dick brush against you, hesitating before he entered you.

“It's ok, I trust you. I want you,” you said at a near whisper, stroking his hair.

At first it was slow, the strokes were uncertain until he got accustomed to you and started a sensual rhythm. He eased himself deeper into you, causing you to throw your head back, letting yourself meld into him. His speed picked up while his lips grazed your nipples and the sound of his wooden bed frame hitting the wall filled the room.

You were in some sort of trance from the feeling of his hips moving against yours. Slowing down a little, Chris pinned your arms to his bed, brushed some of your now wild hair out of your face and placed his hands in yours. “Look at me,” he growled. Your fingers curled around his as he drove himself deeper inside you with a sense of urgency. As you stared into his blue-gray eyes you could feel yourself falling apart, and he did soon after.

The golden light from the setting sun peeked through the windows while you laid in Chris’ arms. Neither of you said a word but you felt closer than ever. Any amount of distance that was between you was gone now.

@honeychicanawrites I would love to know what you think of this. You inspired me to start writing fics!

[nihilnovisubsole]

Do you have any tips considering fanfics with original characters as protagonists? Specific issues to look out for? I admire your writing and your writing advice, you put everything so well into words. Perhaps you've thought about this in more detail as well. I feel like fanfics with original characters are difficult to make intriguing or worthwhile for readers.

yeah, i have thought about it, and i wish i had some kind of sagely, concise answer to give you. this is going to be another long post, sorry. i mulled it over for a few days and i’ve got a lot on my mind.

i don’t know if i could tell you anything from a prose standpoint about “how to write better fanfic with OC protagonists.” i think writing a fan character is, with a few exceptions, pretty much the same as writing a canon character. they have to talk and behave like a real person. they have to be consistent, or have a good reason for it when they’re not. they have to go through events in the story that challenge them. basically, they have to be flesh and blood. if you can find the spark of life in a canon character you love, you can put one in an OC, too.

the only material difference is that they belong to you, and because of that, there’s no “bible” of canon content to refer to. you’re on your own for things like their character arc and dialogue voice. sure, there might be people who are skeptical of them based on their preconceptions about OC fic. but that’s not something you have any control over, so if you ask me, it’s not something that should sway your writing decisions.

on the flipside, a lot of the “issues” i could tell you to “look out for” could just as easily apply to an original fic. “have a cohesive plot arc with conflict, rising action, and a conclusion that makes sense?” that’s every story. “make the premise interesting?” that means three different things to three different people. there’s not much, at least to my eye, that’s only relevant when you’re introducing an OC into a canon universe.

so, when it comes down to it, i feel like writing OC fic is less about how you do it and more about your attitude toward it. it’s not an undertaking where you can bring your shame to the table. every writing project i’ve done, most of all fanfic, has started out with me planning not to tell anyone about it. i always go, “this is ridiculous, i can’t admit i made this OC,” or “i’ll write one passage to get it out of my system, but i won’t publish it.” once i’m in, the fun takes over, and i peel off those layers of embarrassment as i grow more and more fond of the premise and characters. there’s prudence, of course, and good taste, but at the risk of sounding corny… at some point, you just have to let your enthusiasm lead the way.

so, that said:

is there another side to the story/world that interests you enough to explore?

is there a side character you think has untapped potential? was there a mission or episode detail you wanted to explore in more depth? did you ever wonder how the big, heroic main plot might have affected people and places that you didn’t see? if you want to write about big pairings and big, popular subjects and your OC is just the lens the reader sees it all through, great! but if something else grabs you, pursue it, because nobody else is going to have a take on it that’s exactly like yours.

if the story is good, it won’t matter whether an OC or a canon character is the protagonist. it’s just a good story, full stop. if someone won’t take a chance on it because it has an OC lead, it goes back to what i said earlier - that’s on them, not you.

are you writing from a place that is emotionally meaningful to you?

you don’t have to lift something whole-cloth from your own experience. i know it’s annoying to hear people say that you do, and with many fandoms, it’d be impossible. i mean, who among us has fought aliens? but what do you feel strongly about? what emotions have you been through? is there a kind of character or relationship you really want to see? what’s the small, glowing grain of truth within the character that’s going to take them from being a puppet to “a real boy?”

some people will tell you to keep your main characters at arm’s length in case you have to do something nasty to them down the line. i don’t. i always fling myself into it. i’ve talked about that before. does it hurt more when people don’t like them? sure it does, but it forces me to be a more compassionate writer, and i feel the results are worth it. irina, jo, sabrael, marcus and livia, everyone else - i carved a piece of my guts into all of them, and now i’ve served it to you. gross!

and lastly, but most importantly:

do you love the character?

of course you love your character! what kind of a question is that?

and if you don’t, then… why not? i’m not judging, just asking. are they new, and you haven’t had time to get to know them yet? do they come with baggage because you’re worried about them being “cringe?” [if so, cut it out. remember what i said about shame.]

or maybe you just haven’t found the key that will open the locked door of “knowledge of how to write them, and the fondness that comes with it.” every character, to me, starts out with that door, and the key is different every time - a personality trait, an item of clothing, their dialogue voice, something that happened in their backstory, etc. for some characters, the key is much harder to find than others. i don’t know why. but if you haven’t found it yet, don’t worry. keep looking.

here’s the theory that i like: people can tell when you care. if you’ve made something with love, that shines through, regardless of your skill level. if you get excited when you think of a new idea for their story, write it with the same amount of glee you get from envisioning it. if you’ve had the character for so long that it’s become a fictional companion to you, those nuances you’ve learned about them will show up in the writing, just like a real old friend.

sadly, i can’t promise you that doing all that will result in a huge reader turnout or tons of feedback. i wish it did. it doesn’t always. you can work hard and do your best, and it still might not translate to a high level of engagement. but just because the internet is weird, fickle, and cruel doesn’t mean you won’t end up with a cool story that you should be proud of. i’m not saying that should be enough to satisfy you. we all want people to read what we write. we’d be lying if we said we didn’t. i’m just saying that if you write an OC fic from start to finish, you will have achieved something. don’t think it being fanwork diminishes it.

some extra parting thoughts:

for what it’s worth, i’m glad to see the mary sue thing is - at least in places - in its death throes. because, honestly, it’s 2019. it’s time for us to move on. and, look, i’m not a fool. i’ve been engaging with fan content since i was a preteen. i’ve seen OCs where i didn’t buy what the creator was selling me. maybe their visual design didn’t mesh with the main cast. maybe they were a weird choice for their canon-character love interest. maybe they were handed too much, or maybe they lost too much, or anything else from that grab bag of mary sue mortal sins that really live or die on the execution, not the concept.

did i get invested in their stories? no. is that a problem? of course not. i still hoped they had fun and kept working with them, because fun leads to practice, and practice - eventually - leads to skill. brushing all that off as “lol its a mary sue it sux” is intellectually lazy, and also beside the point. the point was for the creator to have fun with a piece of media they enjoy. if they did that, my opinion that an angel vampire with natural pink eyes might be a strange match for sherlock isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on.

[checanty]

so two questions (love your work for the record. you've become one of my primary inspirations over the years! thank you for exposing us to your talent :D ) with the issues surrounding social media at the moment - cancel culture, censorship, algorithm issues etc. How do you feel this is currently affecting current and upcoming talent? Do you think it will get better or worse and why? for my second question - how can one have a relatively humble career in freelance without the social media fame?

Thank youuu!!

Okay, okay, question one: First up regarding the censorship I can’t really say very much since I’m not doing any photography with nudity or any pornographic artwork. I know non sexual artistic nudety does sometimes get flagged, but usually those decisions get gevised if you ask. It’s annoying, but nothing career deciding. I also started sharing my artwork on a website where pornographic (and gore) content was always inaccessible to minors, so this whole thing doesn’t seem particularly outlandish to me. You’ll find your audience, but have to sell ‘under the counter’, you know? Cancel culture on the other hand … it doesn’t really affect me because I’m not usually spreading my opinions far and wide on the internet and my artwork isn’t exactly divisive. Now back in my youth on Animexx (that German website with the adult filter. Where every artwork you uploaded had to be approved by a human being by the way.) I did write and post some questionable things. Hell, I did a whole comic based on a super cringeworthy premise which was rather ableist and contained at least one rape joke. There’s a reason you won’t find it on the internet anymore. I didn’t see it as problematic when I was 15, despite people gently trying to explain to me why it was (In hindsight I understand and am grateful for those folks. But they were patient. they were adults talking to a child. You know.) There’s a lot of stuff I thought was cool and edgy at 15 or even 18 that would make me take a serious double take nowadays. I’d like to think I’ve grown since then. I’d like to think I’m still growing and I’m very aware that a lot of what I think now might have to be seriously re-evaluated a few years from now. Heck, sometimes I catch myself saying stuff and realize it’s messed up a second later.So I’m a bit afraid for young artists out there getting torn apart over stupid (and also harmful) things they say and create. Or artists getting torn apart other stuff they said or created years ago. Like, call them out, yes. but. People can grow. Especially teenagers are not exactly the product of an environment of their choice. It took some depression and alienation (it was horrible, but also, ah, character building?) from my friends to realize some of their jokes were not actually funny and being a sadist is not a cool thing to call yourself. Like the human brain isn’t done rewiring until your mid to late twenties. Let people evolve.  On the other people growing up more involved in social media and ‘cancel culture’ might be used to being smarter about what they say and maybe also a tiny bit less ignorent because they have reason and all the options to educate themselves? There are a lot of pretty amazing teens around. Maybe I was just super slow. (Sometimes I try to imagine being on Tumblr earlier in life and it’s usually a mix of ‘I would have been a better person and all those mental health resources would have helped me so much’ and ‘Nah, I was a brat and would have been eaten alive.’ It’s kind of like people are complicated.)Algorithm issues are horrible, they’re even making a difference for established artists who rely on social media to sell their stuff. BUT. If people do great work and share it, it usually still ends up getting seen.Also, it’s all already different from when I started out. If I was 18 years old today I might look at this ancient 25 year old lady and tell her to stop whining because she can’t deal with all that modern stuff. I don’t want to underestimate the young folks. They’re often underestimated. (Yes, I think teenage me was often horrible and stupid and arrogant, but in other matters pretty smart and actually funny and capable. It’s like you can be a lot of things. Like I’m still all those things and others.)I have no idea what is going to happen. I guess it can always get worse. But if it does get worse we don’t really need to bother with the social media for promotion any more and can go back to blogging on our websites again.It’s doubtful Zuckerberg is going to make Facebook or Instagram ‘better’ again. If anything there’s probably be something new. I mean Patreon and Twitch are already kind of new developments and they work great for some folks! That’s lot of income they wouldn’t have had otherwise! There’s always some good, some bad happening. You get what you get and then figure out to make it work for yourself :/I’m going to let this stand as an answer to your first question because I can already feel myself contemplating in the back of my mind if I actually agree with myself on everything said so far. It seemed right at the time! I’m not doing this ‘opinions on the internet’ game very much for a reason :DQuestion number 2: THIS IS EASY!First up, you can have a great career in freelance without social media fame. Not speaking from experience, but it’s possible. (’fame’ I consider something like 100k plus Instagram/FB or anything followers)Social media fame is important in two cases: When you make most of your money selling small products (say prints, books, but also membership stuff like Patreon) and need to reach a huge audience to sell enough to live on. (because maybe 5% of your audience actually buys things.) And when you actually want to make money being an influencer. There are times where clients hire you as an illustrator AND some sort of influencer because they want to make use of your fan base, but that’s like back in the old days when a famous artist gets hires because they’re already well known to the fans/bring their own fans to the product. That would be a nice position to be in, but it’s not exactly standard procedure.When you’re a freelance illustrator you’re not selling small things to a huge audience. You want a few hopefully high paying jobs. Most clients hire you because you’re good and reliable and fit their budget. They need the art. Not your fans. They don’t care about your fans.And you know, most social media followers will not want or be able to hire you for a 300,00-10.000,00 USD (or more. I guess if you go into advertising you can get more.) job. You need to be more selective. Do the networking thing. Be seen by the right people. How? Well, do your research! Look at who might need your work and send them nice e-mails, postcards, whatever. Have a nice portfolio website. If they’re part of a community, become part of that. Now, social media are still useful for let’s say art directors to find you. But having a small artists all working in the same genre as you do the chances that if they share your work an AD also working in the same genre might be following *them* and see your artwork like this is much higher than if folks not in the ‘business’ share your work even if there is a higher number of them. It’s quality vs quantity thing. One reason I like Twitter is because a lot of writers hang out there. Writers might not be responsible for chosing cover artists (most of the time), but self publishers are. And do like doing cover artworks for self publishers. And writers are friends with other writers and other artists and editors and publishing people and so on and so on. So no, no social media fame needed to succeed, BUT try to be known in the right circles. And be nice and reliable so people hire you again and tell their friends. It happens.  Also, yes I’m definitely procrastinating right now. I should be working on the table of contents for my mermaid book.