#any feedback is appreciated tbh i’m quite proud of these

[voidhope]

The Other Woman

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Synopsis: Where Miguel leaves Y/N to go back to a different version of his old wife found in another universe.

Pair: Miguel O’Hara x Spider!Reader

Tags: ANGST!!, long term established relationship, heartbreak, marriage, cheating, mental health, cold/distant Miguel

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A/N: Hi! I don’t really write at all!!

I have been a silent reader on tumblr for years but this idea has been playing in my mind so much I had the urge to write it. I have been down so bad for Miguel been on his tag like 24/7 indulging in all the content creators have been putting out. So I’m excited to join in giving content, however keep in mind I kinda suck! Apologies for any mistakes, anything confusing, or it not being well written enough. Honestly could have made this into multiple parts with better details but nah. Tried my best ^^ since it’s my first time, any feedback is greatly appreciated!

Honestly tbh we all don’t have a solid grasp how the whole canon thing and multi universe works yet so!! A lot of what is written is made up to suit my storyline so please don’t get mad about the inaccuracies.

I love a good angst and today’s story will be EXTRAAA angsty!!! As well kinda long!!

—————————————————

The moment that changed your life was while working on an experiment during your college finals. You were a proud and gifted physics major that was so passionate about discovering and exploring what the world didn’t know.

You had snuck into Alchemax late at night. You wanted to show your professors just how much you could do with the right tools. Next thing you know, playing with their machines, you had spawned a spider right in-front of you. The glowing vibrant red spider had sunk its jaw into your hand.

Your life did a complete turn and you spent the rest of that week freaking out while changes to your body were happening. Causing you to fail your semester after missing exams. Things felt like it could only get worse when a massive blue suited masked man showed up out of nowhere in your dorm interrogating you.

“Where’s the spider?” He had a strong grip on your shoulders. You couldn’t focus while trying to process why this man had what seemed like claws sticking out of the ends of his fingers.

“I don’t know, it like died after it bit me!” You exclaimed nervously at the freakishly strong man. Trying to reach for anything behind you to use as a defense weapon.

“Dios mío no me digas eso…” He groaned loudly letting you go. Having the opportunity to grab something, you threw a sanrio plushie at him. Only causing him to wave his arms in annoyance. “That spider is from my earth and somehow you brought it here. Now you’re a spider-man.”

And the rest is history…

—

You learned that the man was Miguel O’Hara and when he found you he was just starting his missions with the multiverse. You being the few of the firsts to join his team.

Your situation was quite bizarre and he called you an anomaly for a long time, spending hours studying you and also training you. You ended up being the one case that can’t be explained no matter how much effort was put into monitoring you.

Almost like it was meant to be. Your universe remained perfect with its current spider-man doing fine. No big collapse of a black hole or anything. When you got bit by a spider from Earth-928 your DNA merged with that universe making you fit in perfectly. You were one of the only spider-people with an uncertain timeline with new canons being created depending on what universe you were in.

What changed from you being just a piece of research for Miguel is when he then realized that maybe you were a gift from the multiverse. After all the grief and pain he’d went through the universe had given him this person that worked out perfectly no matter how hard he tried to push them away. You fell head over heels for him and vice versa, all while canon events were being created with both of you together.

You were there as his team grew, slowly turning into a family. Then both of you getting married finalizing that this was your home. Everything felt perfect. Although a relationship with Miguel could have its up and down days, nothing could ever tear you both apart. Or so you assumed.

—

“I’m sorry Y/N.” Miguel couldn’t look at you.

“When did this start? Please be honest with me. Did I do something wrong?” You begged at him. You knew he was acting off recently but never did you think it would result to this.

You watched as he exhaled deeply staring at the ground. You felt like you couldn’t breathe as you studied his face trying to grasp onto any emotion he was showing. The atmosphere in his office felt so cold. You so badly wanted to catch his gaze and find the warmth and love his red irises used to give you. He was doing everything to push you away. He was abandoning you.

“You did nothing wrong. I met her during a mission 4 months ago.” Was all he replied.

“Who is she?” Your heart kept breaking. His face hardening as the question slipped through your lips. You knew Miguel wouldn’t leave you for just anyone. Deep in your heart you knew what this was about. He never responded but he didn’t need to when you saw his eyes flicker over to his monitor screens. You followed his trace and saw the photo of Gabriella in the corner.

“Does she have another version of your daughter?” You tried again. This is what made him look directly at you. Miguel kept opening and closing his month unsure how to tell you the truth. You weren’t stupid and he knew that. After everything he couldn’t just walk out on you with a lie.

“No.” He paused thinking of how to finally share the truth without it ruining you. There was no way out of this. “She is a younger version of herself. There is no Miguel in her universe and she’s not important to the timeline. She lives a regular life. I-it’s a chance for me to start at the very beginning.”

You felt your heart being ripped out of your chest. You processed the words carefully. She doesn’t have a child yet… Not only was he leaving you for her but he was going to fall in love with her all over again and start a family with her. A family you wanted so badly to have with him.

“What about with what happened last time you tried to live a life in a different universe?” You didn’t understand how this was happening.

He was always so carful he would never do anything to cause that again. Everything you had witness Miguel work so hard for to keep safe for years. Sleepless nights, returning bruised and beaten, frustrations and constant stress. Was it all for nothing? Is he throwing all his work away?

“This is different.” He turned away from you. “I pushed myself then into an already established life. This time I am creating that life. After all the research we did on you…” He knew that this was going to tear you apart. “I learned that if done right I could have a child from two different universes that won’t disrupt anything.”

It clicked to you then that all the research he was doing on you lately was for this. The research he did on you that time was different, personal, intimate even. As he was testing your DNAs together and seeing the outcomes. He mentioned a child and you were foolish enough to assume he was doing research to see what it would be like if you both had one together. You were giddy even as you watched him work. You had both spoken about having a family together in the past but had been too busy with spider activities. You thought it was a sign of him getting more serious about it, knowing how badly he wanted one. You would have never thought he was doing it to see how he could get back his previous child. The one you could never give him.

You had truly believe that Miguel had recovered from his obsession that his grief gave him. He accidentally destroyed a whole universe needing that life back so badly. You had spent late nights watching him re-watch clips over and over of what he had lost. It slowly stopped once your relationship blossomed with him and you thought he was ready to move on and start new. Why would you have never thought that with such a perfect opportunity presented to him that he wouldn’t drop everything for it.

“I think it’s best that you leave.” He spoke with a soft tone. As if not looking at you any longer will make the problem go away. You couldn’t wrap your mind around how he was just throwing you away like this. As if he wasn’t making you dinner, giving soft kisses, whispering I-love-you’s not so long ago.

You felt too choked up to ask anymore questions. Your throat tight and painful as you held back tears from escaping in-front of Miguel. You just nodded and headed straight out the door not being able to handle another second in that room. Your knees and hands were shaky as you speed walked into the nearest bathroom and let it all out.

—

It didn’t take long for everyone else to know something had happened. Everyone had gotten used to seeing you and him sitting together at lunch. You would make him cute lunch boxes and everyone would gag a bit while watching the two of you smile together. Some cringing seeing their scary boss being so soft around you. It was a big surprise when Miguel started to eat alone with a bag of take out food and you no where to be seen.

His teams he sent out for missions were all confused when you weren’t assigned to anything. Knowing you were one of the best, one of them slipped out a “Call for Y/N!” In the middle of fighting an anomaly too strong for them. Miguel only looked away.

It wasn’t until a new woman showed up in Miguel’s office with a grip around his waist. That’s when the spider-community realized that this was way worse than they thought.

—

You on the other hand had spilled everything to Hobie when he caught you that day leaving the bathroom with puffy eyes. You had been staying with him in his universe until you could gather yourself together to return to HQ. You knew you were going to leave for good, but you needed to go back to retrieve all your things. You couldn’t stay with Hobie forever. Worse that you weren’t from there.

You still had some hope that Miguel would come looking for you and tell you that he was all wrong. However almost two months had passed and not a word from him… That’s when you knew it was time you should return to what you once knew.

Stepping into the portal Hobie followed close behind you. He told the few others who were once close to both you and Miguel that you would be visiting. Stepping through the portal you were immediately greeted by Jessica and Peter B Parker.

“Oh, Y/N.” Jess sighed your name sadly while pulling you into a hug. You felt like you wanted to cry all over again. Missing your friends so much. Peter B came behind giving you a hug on the side.

“He’s on a mission right now.” Peter spoke up. “It might be a long one too but don’t waste anytime just incase.”

You nodded pulling away from them. Looking up around the headquarters building faintly smiling at the past memories you had here. You started heading to different areas gathering all the little things you had left around. Hobie had stitched for you a cute backpack with different scraps of patterned clothes and covered in patches of punk band logos but made with hammer space technology. Making it fun for you to fill endless of your things in the bag.

The last stop was in Miguel’s office. Doubt started to fill your mind; maybe he already threw out all of your stuff. Why would he even keep it after all of this? What no one could warn you of was the other person sitting on his platform.

“Hello!” She chirped at you. It felt like the air in your lungs had just been punched out. You knew her too well. From all the photos and videos you had seen peaking over Miguel’s shoulder. However seeing her in person was something you had never expected. You knew it wasn’t the original her but it was a copy paste image for sure.

“Hi.” Was all you managed to choke out. She was beautiful, stunning. You could see clearly now the similar features she shared in another universe with her daughter. The parts that Miguel didn’t have. She kept smiling kindly at you, almost in a graceful way. You started to feel all your insecurities start eating you up from the inside. How could you have ever compared to her.

“What’s your name? I don’t think I’ve seen you here before.” Getting off Miguel’s platform she walked closer to you. The room started to feel suffocating.

“Y/N.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you! It’s nice to meet other girls around here.”

Your eyebrows furrowed as you realized she had no reaction to your name. So Miguel never told her about you… Or that the fact was he was still even legally married to you.

“My boyfriend isn’t here right now but, if you want, I can tell him you stopped by.” She continued as you stayed silent.

“Oh, no it’s okay. I just came in here to get some stuff.” You rushed as you really wanted nothing to do with Miguel at all. You almost worried that he might even get angry knowing you got to speak with her. If he already dislikes you this much you couldn’t even imagine how he would feel if you got in the way of this for him.

You started heading over to the familiar drawers around the room. Grabbing your old hoodies and shirts finding your most comfortable of things here. You treated this place as one of your safe spaces as you used to spend so much time here.

“Oh I didn’t know these were all yours! I was wondering why this was all around. When I came here I wanted to do some spring cleaning but Miguel wouldn’t let me touch anything.” She followed besides you. “It’s so mind blowing seeing all this technology. We don’t have any of this where I live-“ She continue rambling but you started to zone her out. You felt like you were about to have a panic attack any minute. There was one question that kept burning in your mind.

“Are you and Miguel already planning to have a child?” You blurted out. Your eyes widened a bit as you surprised yourself. She let out a loud laugh.

“Oh dear no! We have only been together about 6 months. You must be new around here so you must not know much about us.” She chuckled.

In some cruel way you were hoping she would have said yes. You had that twisted hope of maybe Miguel just keeping her to have a kid and ditching her after he gets Gabriella and run back to you. In reality he was playing the long game, he really meant it when we said he was starting over. “He’s never mentioned kids anyways. I’m not even sure if he’d like them or do well with them.”

With that statement she made you looked at her appalled. Anyone could see in Miguel how good of a father he could be. Just in the way he takes care of the society he built here. You started to realize that she really has been left in the dark. She doesn’t know anything. She probably doesn’t even know that she’s a replacement of another self. You wondered why Miguel was doing this. It felt like he didn’t just toy with you but with her as well. A man you came to love for how selfless he was, to realize now everything was for his own personal gain. Suddenly you started to feel bad for her. You couldn’t dislike her, she wasn’t doing anything wrong and she doesn’t even know.

“I got all my stuff. Nice to meet you.” Was all you could say as you zipped up your bag and turned straight around out of there. Not giving any glance back at her, you left to one of the empty training rooms to recollect your overwhelming thoughts. All of the self healing you tried the past month thrown in the garbage.

It wouldn’t be too soon that news of you going around the building was returned to Lyla. You had cut out all coms while you were gone so she immediately popped up on your watch when she found out.

“AH-“ You jumped as the tiny AI was suddenly in front of your face.

“It’s so wonderful to see you Y/N. Oh my god!”She started. Then she went on rambling about how she knew everything and had seen everything. How she didn’t agree with what was happening and was doing everything she could to convince you to stay. After 5 minutes of her rambling you stopped her to let your emotions out.

“Lyla, Lyla It’s okay. Just stop. It’s all complicated I know, but this didn’t work out. I wished Miguel just cheated on me like all the other fucked up normal men out there. That I walked in on him deep in another random girl. Though painful I could have tried fixing and fighting for us. But instead what I got was him emotionally cheating on me and chase after something he knows I can never give him.” You felt yourself choke up. “I can never ask him to give up what he longs and dreams for just for me to be happy. I lost this battle the moment he laid eyes on her.”

Finding comfort in the AI your husband made. You’ve created a bond with Lyla that Miguel found cute but you knew now this might be the last time you’ll be speaking with her.

“You can give him a family y/n… you guys have been married two years now. I know you’ve both set the thought aside until the multiverse issues are better but you can fight for him. You have to snap him out of his fantasy. He still thinks about you.”

“Lyla you know deep down truly he never just wanted a family. He wanted exactly what he had. What he lost. Which should be impossible but being by his side seeing how insane the multiverse is… Good for him for believing in something so hard he’s found himself even a third chance to do it.”

“I hate that you’re being too kind about this situation.” Lyla paced around you.

“I love him so deeply Lyla. You know that very well. It’s so hard to suddenly hate him. I am angry, but I’m also emotionally drained I can’t do this.” You let out a deep sigh. “I’ve watched him long for this family when we just met. For some stupid reason when things worked out for us I thought I would be enough… When we got engaged and he would spend some days at home with me not even coming to HQ. I thought he was finally moving on not just from his grief and past but from the weight of his work. I saw a bright future for us.”

“You can still have a bright future with him! You moving here gave him a new canon event, another chance at life in his timeline. Here in his own universe! He’s just too obsessed and he’s lost himself in that.” She exclaimed with her hands up.

“Our canon event was our wedding.” Your frowned deepened. “But the universe didn’t say anything else after. It doesn’t say our canon event means we are suppose to live happily together forever I guess.”

“I’m just trying my best to be optimistic. I rooted so hard for you and Miguel when you joined the team. I know you can remember the amount of times I would force you both in rooms.” Lyla recalled.

“And I’m grateful for it… Even if this didn’t work out. I was given precious memories, not just working with you and being on this team but falling in love with Miguel. I know I’m being all depressed and hopeless but I feel like even if I move on I’ll never be able to replace him and find a relationship like this again. However he threw me away so easily and maybe he never valued me as much as I did to him.” You felt your emotions bubble. “I became who I am here. I’m going to miss everyone so much.”

“You can still stay here and work with us.” She edged on.

“I can’t just sit around here begging at his feet to return to me or moping around doing missions while watching him with someone else. I want to hate him so badly. I know he’s your boss and you’re basically hardwired to do everything for him and you’re trying your hardest to fix what you think is his right path. But think of me a little more and how miserable it’ll be. I’m the only one hurting here.”

Lyla paused and stared at you with an almost glossy-eyed look. While she worked she could see the inner term-oil Miguel was hiding and the emptiness he was turning to since trying to start new in the other universe. It just wasn’t her place to hold this conversation and he was the one who needed to get a grip of himself and really think and talk with you. She can’t be the one trying to mend the pieces for both of you together. What Miguel did was so wrong. She knew you were right and she didn’t want to see any more damage be caused to you.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” She looked up at you sincerely. “I hate this outcome for you. Not only are you loosing your husband but your home. When was the last time you’ve even been in your universe?”

“Like a year ago for a mission…”

“Exactly! Even if things are over with Miguel, you have all of us here! I wish you could stay. I understand you leaving, I really do. I know a lot of us will try visiting you but I’m tied to Miguel…” You started to see how it clicked for her too that it’s most likely you might not see each other for a long time. “Even if a spider-person is visiting you I can’t just show up on their watch… It’ll go back to him and I know you wouldn’t want that. I know I’m an AI and I can’t hold real emotions but I mean it when I say I’m going to miss you.”

Tears poured down your cheeks as her words hit you. Going back to your universe is going to be a struggle. You have nothing there now. However nothing can compare to the pain of the outcome you’ve had with Miguel, and you needed out of here ASAP. Your mental health getting worse the longer you stay. Even the other spiders you have come to love can’t bring that spark back right now. You needed genuine time for yourself, even if it’s self destructive, instead of putting on a fake smile everyday here.

“Bye, Lyla.” You whispered. She nodded and waved her hand goodbye at you before disappearing. You took your watch off your wrist placing it on a nearby desk. With it you pulled the divorce paperwork out of your pocket neatly sealed and already signed on your half. Opening a portal you took your last glances at the place you spent so many loving memories in.

Tears blurred your vision as you stepped through the portal. Once your legs landed on a rooftop of a building in your dimension, you racked out full sobs falling to your knees.

You were always just the other woman.

—————————————————

Thank you so much for reading!! I know it was a longer one ~

would anyone like a part 2? If so anyone want a angsty or happy ending? I think it’ll be more in Miguel’s perspective as well!

EDIT: You can now read PART 2 here

[gullbones]

Gull's Terror Playlist Masterpost

Hello I am a clown with so many Terror character playlists, please enjoy them in this very convenient format.

Henry Collins

Henry T.D. Le Vesconte

Cornelius Hickey

Harry Goodsir

James Fitzjames

Francis Crozier

Alexander McDonald

Thomas Blanky

Stephen Stanley

John Bridgens

Thomas Jopson

John Irving

[alloveroliver]

QuickFics Event has concluded~

Thank you so much, everyone!

I am very proud of my one-year accomplishment!

I want to thank everyone individually that has participated, not only in the event but on my blog for the past year! I can’t do that personally, BUT I hope this post serves as a widespread THANK YOU!

You guys rock, and I’d be nothing but a silent writer without you XD. I love having a community to share things with and like-minded friends to make! I’ve met so many people that I cherish since I began this blog!

Thank you for every reblog on my fics! These mean the world!

I appreciate all the likes and comments! Having feedback on my work is something that helps me grow and change. Not only do I want to write things that make a difference, but I also want to make entertaining things!

Thank you to everyone that sends me personalized asks and sharing your positivity with me!

And a huge thank you to all my followers! This event was for yall, and I hope my appreciation came across with this event!.

I wanted to get kind of personal in my post so if that’s not your thing then don’t click “read more” lol and know that I adore you!

It’s funny. I don’t like commitment XD I think that’s why I got into otomes in the first place. It is. But, one of the things I have learned this past year is that there’s nothing wrong with committing. I used to be scared of what could happen. But life doesn’t care and will always be unpredictable no matter what you do. This has improved my friendships, my job, my family relationships, and that life lesson is the result of this blog lasting!

I never imagined I would stick to a hobby for so long tbh. One of my fav hobbies is language learning, and I usually stop after a few months and jump to another language. I ended up having the basic “Hello, how are you.” phrases in several languages and nothing past that. (Maybe some colors and curse words XD lol)

BUT then writing happened to me! (again?) Writing is something I secretly did as a child until my mother found one of my stories and showed my father and they laughed about it together :( It was a mermaid story, and it was about a mermaid girl meeting a human boy and becoming friends with them. But, somehow (with my 5th-grade knowledge of writing) the wording was so hilarious to my parents that it needed to be ridiculed. They made fun of spelling mistakes I made, typos and even the name of the boy I was writing about. (Wyatt, which I thought was a badass name. Calling him “What”) And I stopped writing, full stop. Unfortunately this wasn't the only instance of this. I didn’t want that kind of attention from my parents like that :(

In high school, I aced all my literature classes and always got complimented on my writing from good teachers. I started a notebook (because I knew if I started writing on my family’s shared computer, my mom could find my writing and ridicule the story again) and HAND WROTE a more mature version of the said mermaid story. It had lore, and it had love, loss, sacrifice, and an MC that I adored! I hand wrote enough to fill up two and a half one-subject notebooks. (How did my hands not fall off??? I probably wrote close to 45k words by hand out of fear that my work might be found out again...)

This had me spin-off with some other stories, and the spark seemed to be there. (All written in notebooks ofc) But life got in the way. I didn’t know any other writers, and I didn’t know where to go from where I was. In college, I took a creative writing class, but the teacher dropped the course, and I was defaulted to another English/writing class that was hella boring. It had a hand in making me hate writing all together for a while. It just didn’t seem like writing was something I was meant to do. So much was against me, so I quit. Again, thanks to my fear of committing to anything for long periods of time.

Fast forward to five years. I began reading a lot of books, unapologetically this time. I used to try to read what people didn’t make fun of, but when romance books were my fav thing I had to sneak them. Then I found fanfiction, and I was FLOORED. There were so many short stories, little universes, about my favorite otome/anime OTPs!!!

I have always been a dreamer. Daydreams ruled my life for as long as I can remember. There was always a side story playing in my head, ever-changing but always magical. It was amazing for me to see other peoples daydreams and fantastical stories written out and shared with the world! I appreciated them so much and wanted to hug each story and say, “Thank you for existing!” lol.

It took me a while, years, but I cracked open my computer (now only owned by me) and began typing away. It was terrible lol like super bad. I hadn’t been in school for a while, so I forgot all about “first person,” “second person,” “Third-person,” even basic grammar and editing. I spent a few months writing, and literally taking free online English grammar courses to relearn a bunch of stuff. xD

I still don’t know everything (obvs lol, like who does?), but I like where I am at, where I am going, and how I’m growing. 

Being able to write out my daydream was an absolute savage feeling. It made the story more real. The daydream was like smoke, and my written story was solidified matter, tangible. There was suddenly color, and scents, voices coming through, and lots and lots of emotions I didn’t know I’d feel. A community of people that I could share all this with as well, that didn’t ridicule me for my stories but instead lifted me up and encouraged me!

Now that I am writing again. I feel like I learned a whole new language, and I can express myself. It’s as if I couldn’t speak for so long and now I can sing.

[mys-meimagines]

NSFW Alphabet (w/ Ikki)

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

After sex, Ikki is extremely sweet and cuddly. He loves being able to hold his s/o close to him as they both recover. He’s very considerate of his s/o, so he always makes sure that she is not hurt before cuddling her. 

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Even if he loves every single part of his s/o’s body, he has a thing for her eyes. Maybe because he can lock his own eyes into hers without having to worry about her reaction, or maybe because of the way she looks at him, which makes him feel amazing. He doesn’t know why, but he loves them.

After dating his s/o for a while, he became pretty proud of his shoulders. He absolutely adores seeing the way she clings to them whenever she has the chance, whether she’s just hugging him or trying to draw his body as close as possible to hers.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

He doesn’t really care about where to cum, as long as his s/o is fine with it. The idea of cumming inside her, tho, makes sex much more intimate for him.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

The dirtiest secret he might have is that he absolutely adores earing his s/o’s moans. He feels extremely proud knowing he’s the reason why she’s being so loud.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

He’s not extremely experienced, but he knows what he’s doing. He’s never had a relationship before, but he has read enough to know the basics.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

He absolutely loves the intimacy that the missionary grants him, he gets to hold his s/o as close as possible while showering her with kisses.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc.)

He’s pretty serious, but there might be a couple of more laid back moments.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

His hair is extremely thin and soft that he doesn’t even bother shaving. His s/o sometimes wonders whether he uses conditioner down there as well.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

He’s super romantic, he only gets intimate with someone once he’s really in love with them, as he sees sex as something that allows him to show how deeply he cares about his s/o.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

It’s very rare, he almost never does it.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

He’s pretty vanilla tbh. He would be willing to try something if his s/o asked him, but there is nothing he’s so into that he’d be the one asking to try it.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

His bed, but he might be willing to move to the couch if his s/o asks him kindly enough.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Anything romantic. If either he of his s/o does something even slightly romantic, it’s probably going to end up with sex. 

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Anything that might cause his s/o pain, he absolutely doesn’t want to hurt her in anyway.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

As much as he likes receiving, he’s more of a giver. He loves holding his s/o’s thighs as he goes down on her, and loves it even more if she’s moaning loudly.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual?)

He’s almost never rough. He loves taking his time, focusing on his s/o’s pleasure before anything else. Expect a lot of foreplay and a very slow, sensual and passionate intercourse.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He’s not a big fan of quickies. He’d rather wait until he has enough time to properly take care of his s/o.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

He’s willing to experiment... to an extent. He’s not going to do anything too risky, nor anything that might get him or his s/o in trouble.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

He’s got quite a lot of stamina. He could go for 2-3 rounds, if his s/o asked. Also, he lasts quite a long time.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He doesn’t own any toy, nor he’d like to. He likes sex way more if it’s only his s/o and him.

U = Unfair (How much they like to tease)

He’s not much of a tease, he’d rather please his s/o until she can’t take it anymore.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Not very loud, but he sometimes lets out some breathy moans.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

His eagerness to please his s/o makes him a perfect sub. If his s/o asked, he’d be more than willing to switch roles.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

A bit longer than average, not too thick.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Not too high nor too low, just average.

Z = ZZZ (…how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Even if he’s feeling sleepy, he doesn’t fall asleep until he’s taken care of his s/o - meaning cleaning her up, making sure she has eveerything she needs and, of course, cuddling.

Feedback is always appreciated!

Let me know if there are others character you’d like me to do (here’s a list of the fandoms I take requests for ^^)

[writcraft]

2018 Fandom Reflections

I’m going to do a year in review list of fics and answer tags on some of the memes floating around, but I’m waiting until January when a few anon fics in fests are revealed as I’d really like to include those in my ramblings. This is more a personal take on some reflections I’ve had on fandom - and my place and activity within it - over the course of this year.

On a personal level, real life work and fandom as a hobby have intersected this year for me like never before, and the combination of taking on multiple commitments to academic publishing, grappling with the demands of my thesis and moderating and participating in multiple fests has been a lot. I’ve had something of a rollercoaster year, but I’m ending 2018 feeling creatively inspired, happy, and energised for another active fandom year. Thank you to everyone who has been part of it and those friends new and old that have been instrumental to shaping my year and pulling me out of the funk I was in at the beginning of the year.

Some key lessons I’ve personally learned in 2018 below the cut to save your dash from my GIANT WALL OF TEXT.

All At Sea: I think of my relationship to fan spaces sometimes as a bit like being out at sea. It’s easy to get caught up in the current and drift along, but the tide is always turning and there are unexpected storms which make staying afloat more challenging at times. Sometimes it can be exhausting when you feel as though you’re swimming against a strong current and making no progress, but on other occasions you find a spot where you can swim, choose your own direction, do handstands in the water and it’s exhilarating. This year I learned it’s okay to get out of the sea sometimes, to push your toes in the sand, feel the sun on your face, and just enjoy watching the waves. Have a cocktail with friends at the beach bar, chill the fuck out, basically. From starting the year feeling in something of a fandom funk, I’ve got to a place at the end of this year where I feel very positive about fandom and grateful to share a space with so many brilliant, talented, supportive people. 

Burnout and Information Overwhelm: This year, the burnout has been real and I’ve worked out that the platforms I’m operating on contribute a lot to that feeling of mental exhaustion. Using my mobile for fandom activity, having more time than ever at my personal laptop instead of an office computer which restricted me from accessing fan platforms and ramping up my use of Tumblr, Twitter, WhatsApp and Discord for fandom activity created a kind of information overwhelm that comes with high speed interactions and heightened the sense of needing to be present, or to offer opinions as part of fast-paced interactions requiring quick thinking, and sometimes knee-jerk responses. With this came the suspicion and bitter taste caused by anonymous messages cropping up in the inboxes of me and my friends, and it felt at times as though I was constantly logged on and in a state of hypersensitivity. I’ve learned that stepping back from things and learning to balance time spent online with time spent offline is an important part of self-care and it’s okay to be absent for a while. If conversations are draining, leave them. If you see opinions you don’t like, ignore them or try to understand them. They are just opinions - and I mean opinions on characters, canon, fandom and so on as opposed to political opinions that actively seek to harm people. Everyone has different perspectives on things. There really is room for everyone. Regarding anonymous messages, if the only way someone wants to interact with you is via crappy anonymous messages, I’ve learned they are not worth your time, effort or mental energy. Interacting only brings more attention to them. Delete, block, move on. Fuck ‘em. If you want to talk to me, do it off anon. If I’ve upset you with my actions, tell me. Let’s have a proper, adult conversation. 

Look for the Rainbow: Fandom spaces are communities which form around peoples passions. They are places of brilliant creativity but the things we love have a tendency to give rise to extreme emotional responses. I’ve veered from extreme highs to extreme lows and this year I have learned the importance of finding a balance that works. I think a relentlessly positive, non-critical approach can be just as stifling as a culture of intense negativity and constant division, but having said that when I’m having my storm cloudy moments I’m trying to focus on the rainbow. Wallowing in bad feeling tends to nurture and cultivate that sense of dissatisfaction until it becomes suffocating. There’s a tremendous amount of good in fandom space. Good people, good ideas, tireless effort, incredible organisation, passion, creativity and vibrancy. There’s a huge amount to feel positively about and whilst I would never advocate for a laissez faire, entirely non-critical approach, I also think everyone has their own capacity for critical thinking and the way those thoughts can permeate and shape our whole experience of fandom and - by extension - influence our creative abilities. I’ve learned to focus more on the things I get out of fandom that make me happy, to retain a critical eye on things as I always will given the nature of my research, but not to allow the critical to obscure the many positive things about fandom. 

Evaluating Self-Worth: I’ve really tried in the latter part of this year not to measure myself or my worth by external metrics of success. The kudos, the hits, the number of followers, the amount of positive interaction over anonymous messages, the posts I’m tagged in, the hype, the rec lists I’m on or not on, and so on. Comparing yourself to other people can lead to resentment and frustration or to an inflated sense of self-importance. It says a little something about how I started the year that I thought I want to grow my tumblr and write a really successful fic, and thought I would know if I had accomplished that by feedback and response. I’m actually quite embarrassed to admit that because I think it makes me look like a dick, and I’m super pleased with the support my fics get in any event, but I wanted to share it because I think it’s important in terms of this lesson I’ve learned this year. I went from a place of being very focused on external measures of success to ending this year realising that my most successful stories have been the ones I’m proudest of and they are not the ones with the most hits or kudos. Those are the stories that I enjoyed creating the most, and the ones that left me feeling incredibly positive and proud at the end of this year, looking forward to the next year in fandom and planning projects that I already know won’t be the most popular, but they are the ones I’m creatively excited about and inspired by, so those are the ones I should be focusing on. Despite its resistance to corporate structures, there’s something very capitalist about the way we can sometimes be lured into evaluating self-worth in fandom, and those structures are embedded within fandom itself. They won’t go away, but focusing on them doesn’t half make me unhappy. 

Support Other Creators: It’s easy to let negative feelings overwhelm the way we interact with one another in fandom. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned this year is that you get back what you put in. Through supporting other creators you build friendships formed around shared creative passions and interests. You feel pride in your friends accomplishments. You improve your own work by reading widely, cheerleading, editing, beta reading, alpha reading, brit picking. Writing can be a lonely endeavour but it doesn’t have to be that way when you’re part of a community that uplifts others. 

Treat People With Kindness: Not everybody has the same levels of confidence or the same energy for rigorous debate. We all have days where we feel like we could crack into pieces, where we feel lonely, invisible, anxious, excluded, unhappy or fragile. It’s easy to be brave behind a computer screen, but ultimately people on the other end are going through stuff in the same way we all are. I’m making a concerted effort in 2019 to engage patiently and respectfully with opinions I disagree with and to be open to anyone who wants to chat or talk through things. I want to work on building new friendships (yeah, I’m going to slide into your DMs, like hiiiii :D) and maintaining old ones, ensuring I give back the same energy and support I get from friends so they know how appreciated they are. I started this year thinking Tumblr required a level of saltiness and a dgaf attitude that’s never been me, honestly. The lesson I’ve learned this year is to resist going along with the pile and to stop and think before engaging. For some people that might seem like an annoying attempt to sit on the fence and please everyone which is never going to happen, but to be honest I think it’s all about finding what works for you in that regard. I’m here for the hot takes and the salt at times, but tbh it’s pretty much just not me. Even when I’ve responded heatedly to an anonymous message that thoroughly deserved it, it’s felt performative and weird and I’m just not going to do that anymore. 

If you made it this far, thank you for reading! If you ever want to chat fandom thoughts then I’m always open to that and hope everyone has a very happy 2019!

[kireijae]

kpop godmother english teacher here, I'm not a literal english teacher, just a fellow fan who wants to encourage you like your favorite english teacher would in your class! all of my favorite teachers were my english/lit teachers <3 &tbh nct writing spaces seem in need of more random acts of kindness/support so doing my small part!!

and please, write what you want, but I want to encourage you so much to yes, please consider letting loose a bit and posting the not-most-perfect thing ever <3

it took me so long to get to the point of understanding that not every fic I write has to be what I would consider perfect or realistic. I still struggle with it tbh but I think of creators who inspire me and there are always stories of "they have/had so many unreleased/unfinished works" and so I take from it...create.

Share what you want, but try to allow yourself room to take risks. Great things can be created from a place where you don't have any expectations. And nothing is ever perfect and that is OK. <3 Keep writing!

oohhhh okay so you’re the gay person who has a crush on their english teacher got it got it chhxhdhd

i have managed to post a few things i’m not like 100% proud of just because i struggle with perfectionism and i’m trying to give myself more room. it’s terrifying and i have no clue why. it’s literally fanfiction who cares (me)

and i actually nearly quit writing on here bc i wasn’t getting any feedback at all so now that i’ve started putting out things i actually like to write it’s got better which surprised me. but anyways thank you for being so sweet i appreciate it sm you have no idea

[draconunquamdormiens]

Fanfic Writers Appreciation Day

To all writers out there, HAPPY FANFICTION WRITER APPRECIATION DAY!

I am proud to say I’ve been writing fanfiction for longer than some of my readers have been alive, but today isn’t a day to feel old about it, is it?

No.

No, it’s not.

...

It’s being vintage.

Now, you’ll see lots of posts (if you haven’t, I’ve reblogged a couple) talking about one thing that has always, always been the fanfic writers’ Achilles heel and addiction: feedback. I’d be lying through my fingertips if I said I had never sailed on that ship myself - in fact, I commandeered one of the life rafts - because let’s face it: we love to write. Yes, we may provide entertainment and things, but mostly, it’s because we have stories stuck in our heads that need out. We write because it’s like scratching an itch, and we love our stories enough to want others to share in the joy.

And yet, after a while just looking at the hits on your fic somehow doesn’t cut it. You wonder if readers click on your story and then run away to scrub their eyes out because it’s so bad and that’s why nobody’s saying anything. And then you start to second-guess your writing, and then you lose momentum, motivation, so forth, until you decide to give up on your story because you have “writer’s block”. I’ve been there too.

But you really love to write, so you get back in there and lose yourself creating a story you could keep for yourself, but which never tastes so good as when you post it, knowing you gave it your all. I swear, the feeling of posting something new never gets old. It’s terrifying, and exhilarating, and it feeds the gratification monkeys. So does refreshing the stats page on whichever archive you’re on 234567865432 times just to see the hit counter going up.

When you get actual feedback - OMFG, right? You can be grinning like a loon all day with one good review. I get happy with as much as a smiley face, to be honest, and I don’t think I’m different from anyone else who posts any story, anywhere.

I wish I were a bigger fanfiction reader, but I write more than I read, tbh -- I usually leave a comment every time, because I know what it will do to the person on the other end. I rarely nitpick or say anything negative, because there are no bad stories out there. I also find it hard to care if there’s typos, or run-on sentences -- I find that a beta reader can fix all that easily -- because the spirit of the story, the scenes that fill my mind that came from someone else’s imagination, that’s what makes stories great. And no matter how many takes there are on a single topic, no two stories are alike.

I believe having an appreciation day is awesome, and now to get to my point, which is not to beg for more feedback. It’s, quite simply, to appreciate the tens of thousands of fellow writers, young and old, who share this passion.

My love goes out to everyone, regardless of your fandom, age, gender, OTP, headcanon, ship or squick, who has ever, ever thought up a story and posted it anywhere to share it with the world.

In the immortal words of Dean Winchester: You are awesome!

You’re brave and bold for sharing that story and trying to make it the best you can, you’re hardworking because you spend hours on end trying to make it work, and you are an artist, and that should be acknowledged, so I’m doing that now. It’s thanks to people like you that fanfiction is the largest and fastest-growing literary branch in the world. It’s thanks to people who created archives for all those stories, that we have a playground to post in, and without your mind and unique sort of genius, the world would not be what it is today. So, keep on writing, and don’t hesitate to plug your work in the comments.

I promise a read and a review!

[imaginationlane]

The Assistant [Part 5 of ? // Bill Skarsgard x Reader Imagine]

Warnings: Adult Language / Themes 

Author’s Notes: Alright guys, we’re getting into the nitty-gritty now. The heat is getting cranked up and we’re gonna dive deeper into this thing. Major things are getting started, and you’re really not going to want to miss this chapter. I’ll admit this chapter is pretty long, but also very necessary. Also the second half of this chapter, we switch over to Sweden where Billie-boy has landed and guess who’s waiting to pick him up... *Sips tea*

P.S. You’ll need to go translate a few Swedish phrases for this chapter, so just go translate it through Google Translator - after all that’s what I used to even put them into this story tbh.

Need to catch up on previous chapters? Click here.

If you have a Wattpad account, please be sure to go give it a vote or a comment on this chapter as I need to build up the story up over there too – in order for it to catch some exposure. Thanks! <3 

[As always, please ignore any typos, errors and so forth as I generally catch any that I miss – after publication. Therefore I’ll fix them as time progresses.]

Musical Inspiration: Tell Me You Love Me by: Demi Lovato 

Summary:

A night out on the town for a few drinks, was all I had signed up for. But in reality… I got way more than I had ever bargained for when my boss and close personal friend, Bill Skarsgard, asked me to join him during a wrap party that the crew was hosting that night. In hindsight, I should have seen this coming. After all, we were both having issues in our own respective relationships and for some reason, we had found it easier to just confide in each other – rather than in our own significant others. Yet in the end, do the reasons ever truly matter when you begin an affair with your friend who also happens to be your boss? I often ask myself just how selfish could we be; he and I? The answer is: we’re completely selfish and neither of us really cares if this secret burns us alive – because it’s within each other, that we have finally found the things we had been looking for the whole time…

New York City, New York --

Breathless and tired from dragging three huge pieces of luggage behind me, I had finally made it to the front door of my condo. I figured that Bill was probably boarding his flight to Sweden at the moment, and a muffled dinging noise erupting from my purse had let me know that I had received a new text message. 

Despite having to resist the urge to grab my cell phone out of my bag first, I snatched up my keys and unlocked my door in order to get my bags inside and settle down on my couch. I was completely worn out from the activities of the last few days, and from all the traveling I had done today. Unfortunately for me, I had almost forgotten about how fickle this old lock on my door could be. It liked to stick, particularly in the rising heat of summer and the dead cold of winter. I groaned as I searched my brain to remember the trick to unlocking this stubborn old door. The past three months, I was fortunate enough to not have to fiddle with it -- now I was back home again and of course, this lock on my door was trying to welcome me back home in its own way. 

Finally, the lock slid into place and I was allowed entry. 

“Home at last,” I mumbled to no one in particular.

At first glance, I almost didn’t recognize my own home. There were objects strewn about the room; almost as if a tornado had torn through the place. 

“What the fu--” the whisper soon died upon my lips while the puzzle pieces of what happened, started to click into place. 

That son of a bitch!

My entire condo was trashed; and not just trashed -- no, it was demolished. 

It figures that John would be this foolish; this petty... This childish. And it was exactly the reason I felt justified in breaking up with him. Any of my previously lingering feelings of guilt for sleeping with Bill prior to our breakup, began to evaporate with each passing second that I surveyed my living room. Of course he went off and did this; I shouldn’t be surprised really. I denied him what he wanted, and in return he decided to leave me this one last parting shot. I couldn’t help but to shake my head at such utter nonsense, while I pulled my bags inside and gingerly closed my front door behind me. A moment later, my phone started to going off once again -- reminding me that I had ignored a text message. 

“Shit!” I quietly cursed myself for my forgetfulness, as I began to rummage through my purse once again. Once I finally clasped it within my grip, I pulled it out only to realize the text message was from Bill. 

Two more weeks, beautiful. Fuck I miss you. I’ll text/call when I can.

I couldn’t help the smile that inched its way across my face, nor did I even care to stop it. In that moment I realized just how much more I was growing to care for this man. Even while I stood here in my wrecked condominium, that my ex messed up on his way out of my life -- I still managed to smile and find solace, simply because of him. When it boiled down to it, John had stopped making me this happy a long time ago; in fact by the end of our relationship -- I found myself feeling over stressed, exhausted and overwhelmed. With Bill though, it was different; I began to feel free, exhilarated and more importantly -- appreciated. 

I miss you too, handsome. Enjoy your time with your family and friends, and in two weeks, I’m all yours again. ;) Have a safe flight.

I pressed send before I could talk myself out of it. The only thing I could do was just hope that he received it prior to the plane departing. Releasing a sigh I hadn’t realized I had been holding in, I shut my phone off and took one last look around my living room. 

“Time to clean up this mess,” I groaned, annoyed at the fact that once again I was stuck cleaning up one last mess from John; and with that -- I made my way towards the kitchen and retrieved a couple of trash bags from underneath the sink.

A few hours later, I finally had my house back into decent shape and I grabbed a bottle of wine along with my favorite wine glass -- relaxing into my couch in order to catch my breath. In all honesty, I was worn out and tired; if I could just finish this glass of wine and fall asleep for the next ten thousand years, I probably wouldn’t complain. My favorite music was playing softly throughout the living room, thanks to wonderful surround system that my mother had gifted me for my birthday last year; and I felt myself sinking further into the cushions as I allowed myself a moment to relax.

But of course, my phone clearly didn’t get the memo because it started ringing -- causing me to let out a pathetic whine while I set down my wine glass, and made my way over towards my kitchen counter. A small peak at the caller ID caused me to frown for a second before answering it...

“Hey dad, what’s up?” 

“Ahh you’re back home, great! Listen sweetie, I know you have the next couple of weeks off but I’ll need you to come in and see me later this afternoon. I need a rundown on how Toronto went and I wanted to bring up something I need your feedback on.” 

My father was as professional as ever, and therefore it was almost a requirement in our family that everyone adapt the same mentality. People who hit the snooze button, didn’t often find the success that they were looking for -- according to him at least; so of course trying to re-schedule would be out of the question. 

“Of course daddy. I’ll be there within the hour,” I sighed into my phone, getting ready to gather up my handbag and head out the door.

“Thank you Y/N. I hate calling you in before you’ve had a chance to relax, but it can’t wait.”

“It’s no problem, it’ll be good to see you again. Tell momma I’ll be over tomorrow night for dinner -- okay?” 

“Sure thing. See you soon.” 

As soon as I hit the “end call” button on my phone, I had already grabbed my keys and started to make my way out the door. Whatever it was my father needed, it must have been urgent. 

It didn’t take me long to arrive to The Frankford Talent Institute, after hailing down a nearby cab. Upon walking through the double glass doors of the lavishly tall skyscraper, Stacy the main receptionist gave me a toothy grin as she greeted me. 

“Hey Y/N, glad to see you’re back from Toronto! How was it?” Her bubbly personality was infectious, and even though I was tired -- I still put on a smile for her.

“It was awesome, I can’t wait to do it again in 2018. I’ll show you some photos when I come back to the office next week.” 

“Looking forward to it! Your dad is waiting in his office upstairs, so I’ll buzz his secretary and let her know you’re here.” 

At that, I simply nodded my head and moved in the direction towards the elevators. Our office was enormous; and my parents were proud to have finally landed this building back in the early 2000′s. While we spent a majority of our time managing our talent, we also hosted training classes for people who were looking to break into the entertainment business. The general public were welcome to pay a modest fee and sit in on any number of training classes; whether that was for acting, modeling and even singing. From there, our highly trained specialty coaches would spot potentially talented people from each Introduction Class, and make them an offer to do more experienced and personalized training at a later date. For those who made it through our training programs, and passed an audition with our talent acquisition team, we happily offered to sign them to our agency -- and to start helping them find work in order to get their name out there. 

Through it all, my family managed to find and sign some of the biggest names in entertainment. Bill, luckily for me, was about to become the next big star on our talent list -- thanks to this new role in the IT franchise. Turns out, the night we had met and I managed to introduce him to my father, they hit it off quite well. It was the first time, in a long time, that I had seen my father so thoroughly impressed by someone. From there, Bill ended up making the switch to our agency less than a month later and the rest was history. My father switched me out from assisting Olivia, and made me transition over to handling all of Bill’s affairs within the agency and personally. Luckily for me, even though Bill was my boss -- he treated me as if I were a friend, and rarely acted as a boss normally would. In the end, I found myself in a place where I grew to love my work. Together, we were a winning combination on the professional aspect of things and in that sense, I enjoyed how much of a team we had grown into. 

Once I had arrived to the 75th floor of the building, I started to make my way over towards my father’s office. His personal secretary, Tiffany, was waiting to greet me with a warm smile on her face and a bottle of water in her hands. Tiffany Smith was a plain but ambitious woman; and rumor had it that my mother personally hired her in order to discourage more attractive women from working so closely to my father. The rumor had always made me laugh when I was younger, but after the last few days I spent with Bill -- I was suddenly reminded of it once more.

“It’s good to see you Y/N. Follow me please,” she said while she lead me toward his office at the end of the hall. 

After she knocked lightly to alert him to our presence, she opened his door and stepped aside in order to let me through. 

“Sir, your daughter Y/N is here to see you.” 

“Thanks Tiffany, go ahead and take your break. We’ll probably be in here discussing some business for a little bit.” 

Tiffany gently nodded her head, as she closed the door behind me and my father walked over to lock me within his comforting embrace. 

“Hey sweetie, thank you for coming on such short notice. I imagine that you’re quite tired so I’ll try not to take up too much of your time.” He chuckled, as I hugged him back.

“Thanks dad. So what is it that’s so important? I figured I wouldn’t be required to come in to make my report until next week,” I responded back, while I made my way over towards the chair in front of his immaculate mahogany desk.

That desk is still as imposing and intimidating as I remember...

“Well, I’ll still need your report next week -- but I wanted the preliminary, off the record report from you directly. So how did our boy do in Toronto?”

I took a deep breath as I tried to collect my thoughts. I couldn’t help the flashes of memories that sped past me at the speed of light, of the last few nights he and I had spent together. 

Whatever you do Y/N, play it fucking cool. Avoid any mention of his last days on location...

“He arrived slightly nervous, but ready. He was studious and very professional, however Bill and Andy hit it off magnificently -- like we knew they would since they had met a few times in LA prior to filming. They make a great team together. Barbara, as you know that’s Andy’s sister, was highly impressed by him; as were most of the cast and crew members to be fair. By the end of filming, they had managed to form their own little family of sorts and it was quite sweet actually. Bill on the other hand, is pretty tired from all of the physical attributes of filming so he’s going to be at home in Sweden for the next couple of weeks. After that, we’ll be jetting off to LA for a few weeks so he can begin working with Andy on the voice over work for the film.” I finished explaining, while I opened my bottle water and took a tiny sip. 

“Good it sounds like everything went accordingly; that’s excellent news! He was kept on schedule, correct?” 

I balked at such a question even being thrown my way...

This is me and Bill we’re talking about here, right? Of course he knows we’re sticklers for punctuality. Bill was probably worse about it than I was, to be fair.

“Of course dad. You know how meticulous I am with his scheduling; and Bill felt the same way. Half the time he was trying to rush me out the door, thirty minutes before his driver would even arrive to take him to set. It was quite annoying actually,” I had mumbled that last part, hoping he wouldn’t fully hear it. My father on the other hand, let out a humble laugh as he nodded his head -- approving of my answers.

”Great! I knew it was a good idea to put you two together. I’m very surprised at how well he’s coming along within the industry since we’ve signed him. He was doing decent on his own, but he’s coming along a lot better since we managed to bring him on. Keep him going in the right direction, Y/N. He listens to you and respects your opinions; so watching the two of you working together to raise his profile -- has been quite a sight to see. I imagine that by next year, the two of you are finally going to see how much of that work has paid off -- so just be patient for a little while longer.” 

A slight smirk graced my lips, as I sat there feeling proud to have his approval.

“Thanks dad,” I returned affectionately, while I started to stand up. “Will there be anything else?”

“Actually there is, and I wanted to run this by you before the announcement is made in the next couple of months.”

There was something in his voice that caused me to pause for a moment, and sit back down within my seat. A questionable look passed over my face and I was curious about what he was about to say next.

“Okay, what’s going on?”

My dad took a deep breath, and looked out his office window for a moment. 

“As you know, Mike Morrison is the current Senior Talent Relations Executive, and he’s about to leave the company next year. He wants to spend more time with his family and his father who is dealing with an illness. This means that a new opportunity is about to open up, and whoever lands it -- could fast track their way up within the company. Mike himself, will be hand-picking candidates and you should know Y/N... Your name has come up as a potential candidate.”

Shock must have been clearly written all across my forehead, as I felt my jaw fall open at such a revelation.

“Wait, Mike wants me to apply for his position?”

“Yes, and he’s not the only one. I too, think you would be excellent in that position as do several others; including three board members,” he acknowledged to me privately. 

Yet when it came to what I thought about all of this information, I just sat there feeling immobilized and startled by the news that people were looking towards me as a potential replacement. Mike Morrison was a legend within this company; and no one would be able to come close to his standards -- not even me. He not only kept our talent happy, he also kept the agents and executives happy as well. Plus, he was one of our annual judges for people who auditioned to be signed by our company. His role within our organization was massive, so whoever took over it, would have to be the cream of the crop or Mike wouldn’t dare sign off on it. He would want the person who took over, to make him proud and to keep the company going in a forward pressing direction; and to be honest, I wasn’t too sure I was ready to take on that kind of inescapably big responsibility just yet.

“Wow, um... Thank you for letting me know about this. To be quite honest with you, I’m not too sure that I’m someone that should even be in mind for this role; after all we have a lot of deserving people who have been with the company longer than I have,” I shared genuinely, hoping that my father would understand some of my obvious hesitation about this. 

“Non-sense. One day, I fully expect you will take over for me as the CEO of this company. I know you’ve always wanted to build your own greatness, but I think you can do that from within these walls Y/N. You have the ability to take this company to astronomical heights. You’re already proving that to us within your role as an assistant. You pushed Olivia to the point she signed on as a Victoria’s Secret model, and now you’re doing it again by working with Bill. You’re more important than you realize. It’s okay to own that!” He announced eagerly; conviction laced within his voice as he refocused his attention back onto me.

“To be fair, those two landed their own gigs all on their own talent and merits. I may have been acting in a supporting role, but their achievements are all their own; and what about my work with Bill? Would I have to find a replacement for him? I don’t suspect you’ll have me working with him anymore, if I were to apply and this were to go through.” 

My father, smiled warmly as he shook his head.

“You would no longer be his assistant, besides -- I thought that’s what you wanted? To work your way out of that position! While you wouldn’t be his assistant, you would still work closely with him and his agent to maintain that his needs are being met and to fix any issues that arise for them. It would be like this for all of our talent, actually. Plus you wouldn’t have to travel as often if you didn’t want to; and you would get a major pay raise, 401 K benefits, company stock options along with your own office. Our talent executives would report directly to you, and most importantly of all -- you would help to hand pick the new generation of entertainers from the ones who auditioned or submitted their reels/portfolios to us.” Suddenly, my father paused in the middle of his pitch in order to make his way around his desk, and stand directly in front of me. 

“Sweetie, this role would be to prepare you for the future. While your dear old dad isn’t going to retire tomorrow -- I do want you to take this chance to get prepared. God knows your other siblings aren’t too keen on the idea of heading up this company one day, when it’s time for this old man to retire. But I do not want our family business going outside of our family either. Your grandfather founded this company, and you would be the third generation family member to take it over. Your mother and I grew it into the empire it is today. It’ll be up to you to take it to new heights and expand it from here once I leave.” He explained, as he patted me on the shoulder in a comforting manner, before walking back around towards his chair behind his daunting desk. 

I released a breath I didn’t know I had been holding; if anything -- this little talk had simply confirmed my suspicions: My parents fully expected me to stay, regardless of how I felt about the situation.

There goes the idea of me building my own life... My siblings get that opportunity, but clearly I don’t. 

The thought of it made me slightly resentful, to be honest.

“What about my aspirations? Do you not remember me telling you that I wanted to build my own career, life and success outside of my family’s established name and business?” I questioned hesitantly, as he took his seat.

“This is your life. You were always my pick to continue the legacy Y/N. There is absolutely nothing wrong or shameful about you stepping into the family business. Nothing.” His answer was resolute and unyielding, and I knew what that meant... There would be no arguing about this, the decision was already made on his end. I just need to come to grips with it on mine.

“Daddy you know I’m not ashamed of our business, if anything you know how proud I am of you and momma. However, I’ll think about it. I promise. Just do me a favor and remember that this is my life, and if I want to be happy, I’m allowed to make my own choices.”

Finally, my father relaxed against his chair -- happy with my answer. 

“That’s all I’m asking you to do darling, just give it some thought. Hell, talk it over with John and even Bill -- I know that they mean a great deal to you! Get their feedback on it,” he suggested excitedly.

Oh shit. John didn’t tell him yet. That’s probably a good thing though...

“Yeah dad, about that... John and I broke up a few days ago.” 

He scoffed as he shook his head, and looked me in the eye.

“I’m just now hearing about this? Why?” 

Silently, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. 

“I wasn’t happy with him; to be honest I was quite miserable actually. We fought, over stupid bullshit, all the time. He and I were getting unhealthy towards each other, so I ended it. I’m sorry, I know you liked him but he was making me upset on a daily basis and I refuse to live like that.” 

My father peered into my eyes, as he released a sigh of his own.

“I only liked the fact that he was so driven to succeed; other than that, I thought you could do better baby girl. I’m just happy you’re finally in a place where you can see that now,” he quietly admitted.

I sat there, taken aback by his admission. 

Well I certainly wasn’t expecting that so easily.

John and my father seemed to have gotten along perfectly over the past couple of years; clearly I had been wrong in assuming that my dad liked him. Apparently he just wanted to keep the peace with me, which was a big difference to be honest.

“Why didn’t you tell me that? I thought you adored him! It’s one of the reasons I held onto him for so long -- because I thought I would disappoint you!”

He stood up once again, and came around toward the front of his desk to clasp my hands tightly within his own.

“Y/N, please don’t ever stay with someone -- just to make me or your mother happy. In the end, it’s not us living your life... It’s you. If he doesn’t make you happy, then he doesn’t make you happy.”

I found highly ironic that he could see this when it came to my personal life, yet when it came to my professional life -- of course my dad thought he knew best.

“Thank you for understanding.” 

Gently, he placed a kiss upon my forehead and moved over to allow me to stand up.

“I’m glad that Toronto was a good experience for you. Like I said, talk to Bill about the idea. You may be surprised to see how supportive he may be. Bill cares about you a great deal; and it’s not surprising given just how close you two have become over the past few years. He’s a good friend to you Y/N. While he may be reluctant to let you go, I know he’ll be happy with the idea of you getting a chance to move up as well.”

“Thanks daddy. I’ll see you and momma tomorrow evening.” 

“Ahh yes! Of course. Your mother says she can’t wait to see you and she’s going to make your favorite dish in order to welcome you home,” he laughed, while he enveloped me into a tight hug. 

“Alright, I’ll be over tomorrow then. You’re sending a car or should I catch a cab?”

“I’ll send a car to pick you up by 4:30. Enjoy the rest of your time off and catch up on your sleep -- you look tired as hell.” 

Oh if you only knew...

“Will do. Bye dad.”

And with that, I made my way out of his office and back home. I had a lot to think about over the next few days; but most importantly -- I needed to figure out what my future held and I was suddenly worried about how Bill may take the news of this new opportunity...

Stockholm, Sweden --

A beautiful raven haired, pale skinned petite woman wondered around near the baggage claim; biting her nails and waiting for someone very important to her -- to finally arrive. Natalia Holm was almost certain that she was about to wear a hole through the cheap grey carpet, due to her continuous back and forth pacing, but she couldn’t help herself. She would finally be reunited with Bill, who was due to come strolling through the airport terminal at any moment, and she was nervous about seeing him again for the first time in over three and a half months. Something was off though, and she could feel it deep within the pit of her stomach. Bill hadn’t been acting the same over the past couple of weeks -- and it had only gotten worse over the past few days.

“Natalia snälla sluta,” her mother Monica called out, trying to get her daughter to cease her incessant worrying. 

“ Mamma, lyssna, jag kan inte rå för det.”

At this point, her mother had had enough with Natalia’s constant public displays of anxiety. 

“Han är här snart, vad är du så orolig för? Är allt okej?” Her mother’s questions acted as if a bucket of pure ice water had been splashed over her face; waking her up to fact that she was being outwardly obvious with her concern.

“Sorry mom,” Natalia sighed, as she sat down in one of the hard plastic chairs nearby and continued to wait. People passed by her in a blur; there was non-stop chatter of people happily being reunited with their loved ones, and others just grabbing their luggage off the conveyor belt while going on about their business. Yet for Natalia, it was different. She felt as if she were losing control within the situation she now found herself in, and it wasn’t a welcomed feeling. That’s why she had privately hired someone to look in on a few things for her, hoping that she was just going crazy and that it may put her mind at ease. 

When she thought of Bill, she saw a future with him; one that she would eventually be happy in. Her mother had also warned her that because he was quite the catch, that it was getting towards that time to start locking him down. But lately it felt as if he were pulling away from her, and she wasn’t too sure about why, nor was she even sure that she was too keen to find out. For a while, Natalia had basically dictate the course of their relationship, but before he left for filming -- Bill had become increasingly more hands on and started setting new boundaries. She had a feeling that it may have to do with was lingering feelings he had towards a certain woman, but she couldn’t be completely sure about that either. Either way it went though, she knew one thing: when he told her that he wanted to hold off on the idea of house hunting recently, something had shifted within their relationship; and she had a distinct feeling that it wouldn’t end in her favor unless she came up with a solution -- and fast.

It was low sounding alert noise that erupted from her iPhone that shook her out of her momentary ravine. A text message from a private contact had arrived, and Natalia found herself sitting on the edge of her seat with baited breath. She had been waiting for news for the past week from this person, and she was finally getting something.

Check your email, there’s information you’ll want to see. Call me once you’ve had a chance to review it.

Perplexed, Natalia got ready to pull up her email app before her mother stopped her.

”He’s here,” she hurriedly whispered towards her daughter, as Natalia looked up towards the escalator that was bringing Bill closer towards her. 

With the email forgotten, she shut off her iPhone and stood up beaming her uncontrollable happiness at finally seeing him once again; while making her way over towards him. Even though she could tell that he was tired, he still looked effortlessly amazing and she shifted her way towards the bottom of the movable staircase. Bill however, was distracted by something on his phone. Whatever it was, must have been some type of good news because he had a goofy smile firmly planted upon his face as he typed out a response. 

His smile though, faded the second he looked up from his phone and saw Natalia waiting for him. 

It was a peculiar moment, one that Natalia didn’t miss for a second. Bill had been changing in his reaction towards her lately, and this only confirmed her already out of control anxiety.

As she mentally shook off the feeling, Natalia replaced the smile back onto her face as she took another step near the escalator after he descended. 

“Välkommen hem min kärlek,” she greeted him, holding her arms open for his embrace. 

Bill gave her a small smile as he returned the gesture in kind and returned her hug.

“Hey Natalia,” he greeted her softly, as she held him tightly and smelled the familiar scent of his cologne. Without warning, she stood on her tippy toes, as she placed a chaste kiss upon his cheek. 

“I’ve missed you,” she told him tenderly, hoping that he would appreciate that she was waiting for him.

“I know; but also we need to tal-” However Bill was cut off, by Natalia’s mother making her way towards the couple.

“Bill, min son!”

Ever the astute and pleasant partner, Bill placed a smile on his face as he returned her warm welcome. 

“Monica, jag har saknat dig,” he responded as he hugged Natalia’s mother tightly.

“I’ve missed you too son. Listen, my husband has prepared a dinner back at our house for all of us. So let’s get your bags and get you back to the country house!” 

“That’s perfect; a home cooked meal sounds wonderful right about now. Let me get my bags, and I’ll meet you at the exit?” He suggested lightly, hoping to get a few moments to himself.

“No problem, I’ll be outside waiting in the car. Natalia will show you where I’m parked. It’s so good to have you back home again,” she exclaimed excitedly as she squeezed his arm, and finally left from the airport. 

Bill couldn’t help the pang of guilt that shot straight through his chest at her kind gesture. 

Turning his attention back towards Natalia, he didn’t even have a chance to say anything to her before she pulled him down for a surprising kiss. 

Normally, Bill wasn’t one for public displays of affection -- but his own guilt had started to catch up with him and therefore he found himself giving into her affectionate nature.

”I love whenever you come back home; I’ve missed you so much,” she whispered lightly, while her arms locked around his shoulders. 

Reluctantly, Bill found himself wrapping his arms around her midsection; almost as if he were reminding himself that he still hadn’t talked with her yet. The truth was, he had no clue on how he would even bring the idea of a potential break up with her and he felt the onslaught of guilt beginning to consume him because of it. She had no idea that his feelings had changed yet, or that he wanted someone else because of it. Nor did she know that he had wanted Y/N for a while now... Closing his eyes tightly, he realized he would have to go about this carefully. In the end, someone was going to get hurt -- no matter what happened; this would ultimately come down to him to how he handled things from here on out.

“I’ve missed you too Nat,” he sighed tenderly into her hair, while he surrender himself into her embrace.

A few moments later, they released each other and he stepped to the side of her in order to gather his bags from the conveyor belt. Once they had departed the airport, they walked hand in hand towards her mother’s Volvo. His guilt didn’t subside one bit, as he felt her snuggle into his side in the backseat and fall asleep on his shoulder while they rode peacefully towards her parents home in the country side.

“Home sweet home; thanks for allowing my parents to welcome you home at their house. They were thrilled to see you again baby,” Natalia said lovingly, as she helped Bill get the last of his luggage into her two bedroom apartment.

”It’s fine. I like your parents, they’re good people.” 

He turned his attention towards the hallway and tugged one of his suitcases behind him. While he was settling back in, Natalia observed him from the doorway of their bedroom with a coy look firmly planted upon her face. 

”Don’t worry about putting away the laundry, I’ll take care of it later for you. Right now, I just want to hold you.”

Surprisingly, Bill had let her wrap her arms around his shoulders and pull him down for a breathtaking kiss. Under normal circumstances, this would have been nice -- and he was suddenly reminded of a time where this would have been a welcomed expression of desire from her. Now however, things had changed for him. Even though Natalia had no idea of his shift in feelings, feelings that had already been there for someone else entirely -- he still hadn’t figured out a way to break the news to her just yet. It didn’t help that things were complicated between them at the moment, it wasn’t just their relationship -- but something else was hanging over his head as well.

Carefully, he pried himself out of her embrace, before he found himself looking down into her eyes and putting on his best poker face. 

”Not tonight babe; I’m super tired right now. We’ll spend time together tomorrow, I promise,” he paused before taking a deep breath and shifting his gaze away. “We have a lot to talk about anyway.” 

Natalia on the other hand, felt that shiver of fear settle deep within the pit of her stomach. Something was wrong; and while she knew that -- she ultimately decided to table the idea of confronting him on it at the moment. It hadn’t helped matters that they had been fighting right before he had arrived back home. 

”I understand, I’ll let you get caught up on unpacking then.” 

A moment later, she had turned and left the room -- closing the door behind her and finally leaving him alone with his all consuming thoughts.

An hour later, Bill had emerged from their bedroom to find Natalia playing on her laptop in her living room, with a glass of wine in her hands. 

“Hey Nat, my little brother is coming by to pick me up. He’s refusing to take no for an answer and wants to have a couple of drinks in order to catch up. I’ll be back in a little bit, okay?”

Her expression was unreadable as she nodded her head, and watched him walk out the door without even uttering the words that he loved her or goodbye. Once she returned her attention back towards her laptop, she remembered the text message that she had received at the airport earlier in the evening. As if on queue, that familiarized feeling of worry had started to settle in once again.  

She finally gave up trying to fight off the nagging feeling of uncertainty that was gnawing away at her, and logged into her email account. 

Moments later, she found herself wishing that she could have been better prepared for what she was about to discover; but the truth was -- nothing could have prepared her for what she saw next...

Anger boiled within her blood, as her eyes misted over with unshed tears. 

This explained everything. 

Her best friend had warned her against hiring a private investigator to tail Bill while he was in Toronto. She had warned her that nothing good could come from snooping on her own boyfriend; and that if she was so determined to find something bad -- that she couldn’t complain about when she finally managed to get it. But that knowledge alone, didn’t make the pain any less real; and it certainly didn’t make the cold harsh slap of reality -- sting any less. 

Emotions and thoughts swirled rapidly in her head and heart, because right in front of her, were the images that she couldn’t deny and they were taken earlier today: Bill kissing his assistant, Y/N, while they stood at the front door of the Toronto vacation house. 

Natalia’s hand shot out, in almost lighting speed, and swiped a glass vase full of colorful summertime flowers and a few picture frames off her of desk. Her rage, caused her to give out an anguished cry of pure agony as she slammed the lid of her laptop down, stood up from her desk and paced around her living room. 

“That fucking bitch; I knew she was a liar!” 

Bill had told her she was crazy for saying that she was worried about him spending so much time with Y/N; but now it seemed she was right to feel that way all along. And as for Bill? He was more than just a liar, he was a cheating asshole who had made a complete fool out of her. 

Of course he had been acting distant; it all made sense now. 

Amidst her passionate fury, she snatched her cell phone off of her desk and dialed up that same cell phone number that had texted her earlier in the day.

“Ace, it’s Natalia. I got your email, what can you tell me?” 

Ace released a sigh as he fumbled around for something in the background. 

“Your boyfriend and his assistant, went out to a night club together a few nights ago. Prior to that, they were pretty amiable towards each other. But that night, things seemed different. They left the club a few hours later in a rush, and went back to the vacation house. I tried to get as close as I could, but I couldn’t see inside. However, the noises I heard... Well they explain the pictures I shot earlier this morning, before they left the house for good. I’m sorry Natalia, it seems something has recently happened between them, but I can’t be completely sure of what other than what I captured on film.” 

Tears slipped down Natalia’s cheeks as she absorbed the information like a sponge to water. 

“So this seems to have started a few days ago?”

“Yes ma’am, it does.” 

Her hand tightened into a fist as she stared up at the ceiling of her apartment, trying to reign in her fiery temper.

“Alright, I need something else from you too. Find out who her boyfriend is, and get me his contact information. Her name is Y/F/N Y/L/N. She works for The Frankford Talent Institute in New York. Find him, bring me his information and I’ll double your fee.” 

Ace confirmed her request and then hung up the phone.

As if the weight of the world came crashing down around her, Natalia collapsed on the floor and began to sob uncontrollably. Moments later though, her cries started to die down while she began to collect herself off of the floor. One thing was for certain -- she couldn’t let Bill know that she knew just yet. If anything, it was imperative that she act as normal as possible. 

Neither of their families had any idea yet, that the two of them had been engaged since before Bill left for Toronto -- and she had foolishly kept it quiet at his request.

Now, this was a fight to secure her relationship. She wasn’t about to watch some half wit American bitch, swoop in and take everything she had worked so hard for.

Before it would all be said and done, Y/N and Bill both would rue the day they made a fool out of her. If anything... Natalia was going to ensure it.

I told you guys that shit was going get real lol. 

You may feel sorry for Natalia right now, but I haven’t even begun to get into that relationship -- so be prepared, that’s all I’m going to say. 

As always thank you for reading! 

Tagging:

@kikilikes, @readsalot73, @diianawonka, @goswedish, @rougxlips @ffixation, @shadowpriestess6, @vladsgirl, @mrsbillskarsgard, @billgardskars, @adoresfandoms, @mightbelindsey, @we-are-like-a-timebomb, @fandomimcurrentlyobsessedabout, @negan5589, @decayingdeathh, @unicorn-glitter-princess, @voidpaintings, @the-fandom-phantom-fanfics, @mishdennise, @stylex, @thatonepuremoment, @voidpaintings, @peardream72, @nyleveeee, @rutuliukasg @mmcd1990 

[starryseo]

youtuber!changbin

omg i’m excited for this one bc it’s the loml

s e o  c h a n g b i n

enjoy :)

Chan | Woojin | Minho | CHANGBIN | Hyunjin | Jisung | Felix | Seungmin | Jeongin

introducing the one and only. . .

Changbin “I love dark” Seo!!!!

so, as you (probably) already know

he has done lots of collabs with chan and jisung under 3racha

that’s how he met the rest tbh; chan messaged him and jisung both for a 3-person collab and then he stuck with them bc they made some bombass tracks

and he also manages the joint StrayKids youtube account where their gameplays are posted

he has too much time on his hands

which is also why he posts a lot of diss tracks about the other guys

it’s all in good nature, no harm done

and his insults are the bEST

he’s actually a lyrical genius

and no one can hate him or what he says in his raps because

1) what he said is probably true

2) if you hate on it, he’ll come out with a second diss track that’s much worse

his tracks are usually about how chan is like the dad of the group

but everyone just uses him for his money (not in a mean way!!!!!)

or about how felix is desperate for changbin’s love but it’s unrequited (he’s still salty about the forced kiss ok, give him time pls)

he hasn’t made a diss track about jeongin though because the boy is too precious okay no one can say anything bad about him except jyp but hes a snake so screw him

you may be asking what changbin could’ve said about seugmin bc he’s also heckin’ precious but i’m afraid you’re gonna have to wait for seungmin’s one to find out ;)

jisung once hacked into changbin’s youtube account

hacked meaning he guessed changbin’s password (hint: it was ilovegyu<3)

and changed the profile picture to a screenshot he got from a video hyunjin took of changbin being dared to act cute

the video was vv cringey so jisung figured this was the perfect revenge for that diss track changbin made of him

and he also thought changbin needed a change from the pitch black profile pic he had up before

yeah, he loves dark thaaaaat much

as well as producing music and gaming

changbin also dabbles in skateboarding and a biiit of parkour

he does this with felix

(when he has a quick method of escaping felix’s wrath, he can tolerate time together)

his skateboard is. . .

you guessed it: black

probably has a skull or some other ‘scary’ design on the front too

but felix managed to notice a small sticker of a munchlax (the pokemon gyu is fyi) on the back too :) cutie :) 

changbin really loves skateboarding because he thinks it looks cool and goes well with his dark concept

but then he always ends up bumping into something because sometimes he pulls his cap too far down and so he can’t see very well

idiot

it’s really funny seeing him try to act nonchalant about tripping up

when everyone around saw

and felix videoed it and is laughing his ass off

changbin threatened to murder felix if he posted that video anywhere

and felix was like “;) good thing i haven’t posted it... i did send it to the SK group chat though”

bro felix was literally running away for his life and changbin was right behind him on his skateboard tryna run him over

that was not a good day to be felix tbfh

the parkour he does is usually quite simple (about as simple as parkour w/ a skateboard can get)

but he looks badass whilst doing it so it’s cool

his favourite move is when he rides perpendicular to a rail and so the board goes under the rail and he jumps over the rail

it took a while to perfect the landing but he was really determined and now he’s mastered it i’m so proud of him

whenever he posts these videos he gets a lot of comments

because with his music & gaming videos his face usually isn’t seen

but with this, it is

so there are a lot of comments about him being b e a u t i f u l

the comment with the most likes was from jisung who was like “mr dark?? more like sunshine boy! :) keep up the great work i <3 your vids!!”

he was close to reporting that comment just so it would go away lmao salty

but instead he ranted to gyu like “sunshine boy? i’m not a sunshine boy, i’m a dark, dark man, right gyu?”

the group have a lot of hang-outs at his house (bc dude look at his house wtfffff it’s so shiny)

and his mum is the cutest!!! always giving them food as soon as they enter

she also LIVES to embarrass her child, poor changbin :(

constantly pulling his cheeks, giving him lil’ kisses and always calling him her “little prince” or some other equally cheesy variant

the guys lowkey thinks it’s cute and know she’s only doing this for fun, but they still use it as an opportunity to laugh at him

one time she whipped out the photo album with baby changbin pics and omg they’ve never seen changbin redder in the face than that day

no one knows if he was fuming or just really embarrassed lmao

what hurt the most was how jeongin - the baby of the group - was laughing and calling him a “cute baby”

and obviously hyunjin had to go “wow dude you were so cute, what happened to you??”

his mum, bless her soul, was like “he takes after his father that’s why”

#SavageSeoMama (this is where he gets inspiration for his diss tracks)

oKAY BACK TO GAMING!!!!

he mainly plays shooting games like battlefield, CoD and csgo with the guys

loves it when they play with just them in a local match, not online (mainly talking about CoD here)

because then he can put on friendly fire so that he can kill his team mates lmao

he’s a major kill scene stealer and proud - truly evil

the guys eventually kick him out of the lobby

only bringing him back once he’s apologised to them

to this day, he hasn’t apologised lmfao

when they kick him out he’ll just start playing online

because changbinnie don’t care 

he loves killing people’s hype

for instance, jisung will be cheering over the mic like “yay!! i got the last kill”

and changbin will just reply like “ok and?”

jisung: “wHY CAN’T YOU JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!?!?!? I <\3 YOU”

the real question is: how did jisung say “<\3″?

he kills his own hype too though

like when he gets the final kill and suavely goes “wow much skill”

and felix is like “yeah!! wow!!! that was so cool changbinnie!!!”

he’s just like “yeah it wasn’t that good, stop that”

sometimes when they’re all playing free-for-all

he’ll start singing his threats

like he’ll be two steps behind seungmin and just start lowly singing “seungmin, i’ve got your back~”

and like normally someone might interpret that to mean “dw bro i got your back, i’m protecting you, you’re covered”

but nah

changbin straight up stabbed seungmin in the back

seungmin felt that betrayal in his heart

so on the one hand he’s singing to people before he kills them which is heckin’ creepy

but on the other hand he has a beautiful voice so it’s not that bad???

but on the other, other hand (idk imagine 3 hands or smth) he’s technically being nice by giving them a heads-up before he kills them so

really

they should appreciate his kindness

:)

ok no i can’t defend him he’s too into these killing games

the only person he likes teaming up with is hyunjin and here’s why:

chan talks about strategy too much (dude all you gotta do is kill ok relax a bit)

woojin, as previously discussed, makes really bad rookie mistakes

minho gets too frantic when ambushed and just ends up dying without fighting back

jisung is too talkative

felix is also too talkative and is too risky (he’s literally jumped in front of changbin’s character dramatically like “I’ll save you!”. jeongin ended up killing the both of them together lmfao #DoubleKill)

seungmin just runs around in the middle of the battlefield with NO strategy

and jeongin is jeongin. he’s too precious for changbin’s lethality

so that leaves hyunjin. he’s the right amount of talk-y (yes that’s now a word), he has gr8 gameplays, he can handle a multiple-person attack AND he can be really frickin’ ruthless at times

gotta love that boi

felix is always fueled to kill hyunjin for stealing his man

but honestly changbin would rather just solo it because “i work alone, buddy” [sOMEONE GET MY REFERENCE PLS]

wow this has gotten rlly long soz

imma just end it here:

although changbin loves killing them in games and mocking them through his diss tracks

the guys know that they can trust him 100% and that he really, truly does have their backs (even seungmin’s)

and he’s always prepared to fight anyone that hates on any of the guys because only he can do that okay they’re his family and no one else can do that to them

he feels blessed to have them and whenever they come around to his house he’ll get lowkey sentimental bc wow, this is his family that bring a smile to his face everyday

and although he probably won’t admit it without jisung forcing him to, he really loves these guys and is glad to have met them

thank you for reading this far lmao hope you enjoyed it & feedback is always welcome!!

i saw some tag where someone talked about waiting for hyunjin’s one, and bc i’m doing this in age order he’s coming soon

and now just to playfully annoy them i wanna change the order

just kidding

ok not kidding i wanna change the order but i’m too lazy to since i’ve already planned it out

also!! is the desktop theme okay for everyone?? pls let me know of any improvements! :) thank youuuuuuuuuuu

[morethanonepage]

2017 Fic Roundup Meme

Total Fics Posted: Nine. Ooof. 

Total Words Posted: 44041

Total Words (of Anything Excluding Blogs) Written: Man I don’t even know how I’d count this -- I’ve written at least ten briefs for work and those are usually between 2 - 5 pages, and I write a lot of WIPs that I don’t end up posting. So I mean it’s probably in the 100,000 range but the majority of that (obviously) is either not fandom related or not likely to see the light of day as publicly consumable or both.

My favorite fic story this year: greenwood -- written as part of an AU meme and so so random -- Maurice-AUs are hardly a fandom trope y’know -- but man that’s one I wish I could commit to writing more of. I love Maurice (both the film and the book) so much and I love John/Chas so much as a pairing that I just kind of forced it to work, and I think it mostly did. But it’s just too far from the Constantine premise to be worth expanding, beyond just for the gimmick. Like as a historical AU I feel like I’d have to incorporate some magic nonsense to it and it wouldn’t be impossible but ugh, plots. Better to leave them in that nice, tender moment with all the possibilities before them. My one regret for it was that I got a little fade-to-black about the sex (not true in the initial conception and I did a little draft of some more explicit from Chas’ POV) but in the end I felt like I’d written too much porn lately (and was trying to be in keeping with the aesthetic of the original story), so.

My best story this year: Adrift -- I’ve re-read it to myself a bunch of times, and I just genuinely enjoyed working through it and figuring out the relationship dynamics and possibilities and putting in references to so many well established headcanons of mine. And John’s SUCH an unreliable narrator/POV character that I always have a great time trying to write him as clearly feeling SOMETHING while he’s pretending he doesn’t. And idk it’s just one of my top pairings ever and I was glad to finally devote myself to writing a nice, slow developing relationship fic with just the two of them working their shit out. 

Story most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion:  Honestly at this point, given that I’m writing almost entirely John/Chas fics, and otherwise for very niche pairings, I think any appreciation my fics get is a miracle. Though I do kind of wish I’d written Adrift in the Constantine fandom’s hey-day, because it’s a chaptered developing relationship fic and those are hard to come by and I feel weird saying it’s great but it’s solid and got really good reactions from people who did read it, and I’m proud of that. 

Also I’m not as proud of blended cotton with gannex twill, in terms of its actual quality (I’m not sure the POV shifts quite work as well as I wanted them to) but it took me SO LONG to finish it and it was such a goofy premise that I’m really glad I did, and again I’m a little sad some of the early-day Constantine people didn’t get a chance to read it when I first started goofing around about the possibility of a sentient trenchcoat.

I’m also kind of surprised a reasonable amount of trouble was the least popular of the historic AUs I wrote -- I joked that I didn’t really know what noir was but I think it was close enough and I tried to set a (vaguely angsty) mood of both yearning but inevitable dissatisfaction to it. Maybe I didn’t go gritty enough with it? That tends to be my flaw for any Hellblazer related stuff, admittedly -- I can’t quite commit to the bleakness I know it merits.

Sexiest Story:  Adrift has a lot of sex in it (IT’S NECESSARY TO THE PLOT, she said, not at all defensively), which was described with a fair amount of detail, and then I backed up to more subtle depictions b/c I thought all that sex stuff would get boring. There’s also a lot of John telling himself he’s pretty meh on the sex itself. So I feel like the sexiness of it was kind of neutered by it being so much about the plot (like, the shifts of what they actually get up to were to represent emotional shifts in how they were feeling about each other). Which at least made it less sexy for me to write, anyway.

I got good feedback about The (Shamelessly Indulgent) Sex Chapter in blended cotton with gannex twill [which was somewhat necessary b/c I wanted to get all manner of bodily fluids on the coat b/c in my vague headcanon/justification that’s what actively pushes it into true sentience but--], but honestly I think my truly sexiest fic of the year is mages against literacy -- to the point I was actively embarrassed writing it, and didn’t read it again for months after I posted it, and then went back and was like “w o w”.

Most fun story:  blended cotton with gannex twill. TRENCHIE NO! TRENCHIE YES.

Also a boy with a thorn in his side is....fun for me and a few very specific people, probably. I wrote another high school AU Star Wars fic in 2016 that was way more fun and goofy and idealistic -- it’s called the id fic for a reason -- but if the id fic was what I wish high school had been like for me, ABWATIHS is -- what high school was, tbh. I mean not precisely, but Cassian’s EMOTIONS and his inability to deal with them was #relatable. I wrote it so fast, mostly because I was so intrigued by the possibilities of it and the headcanons I came up with for it, which I’m still really fond of. Like if I were to ever write original fic, I’d file off the serial numbers and make a go of it there.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters: In Good Faith wasn’t, in my opinion, a great fic -- I wrote it too quickly and without enough of a reason beyond ‘someone asked for it’, and some parts were very derivative -- but I did work through some things with it, about Kes and Shara’s potential relationship history, and about what Shara’s flaws might be and what her life was like and why she and Kes work so well together. Not a lot of which actually came out in the fic IMO, but at least I had that going on in my head. 

Hardest story to write: partly mors et fugacem persequitur virum, because I didn’t remember nearly as much about Roman history as I thought I did (and what was I going to do, research??? [I did do some but none of it is actually like -- visible in the fic], and I was overconfident about my ability to make it work and still be in IC. I’m.....still not sure if I didn’t fail on one or both of those accounts.

Also I wrote Anything Can Happen (On Halloween) for no fucking reason other than because I wanted to post the 100th fic in the John/Chas tag (I EARNED THISSS) and I think it shows. Again I wrote it too quickly (in about a week?? ridiculous), I was too nervous about someone else posting something else as the 100th fic instead of me and that my hardwork would’ve GONE TO WASTE wah wah wah anyway the ending was boring and I still feel guilty about it not being very good.  Biggest surprise: Anything Can Happen (On Halloween) was actually surprisingly (to me) well received -- like it got very quick positive reactions and idk why since I’m still genuinely embarrassed by it -- I mean I don’t think it’s a bad fic but it’s rushed and clunky and not terribly original.  A story I want remembered:  Someone on twitter said that Adrift made them ship John/Chas and honestly that’s all I want for it -- that and for the people who keep coming to the lil’ Constantine fandom that there is and go looking for fic find it and read it and at least kind of understand why some rando keeps flooding the tag with John/Chas nonsense. 

Resolutions for 2018: This has been a very John/Chas year for me and while I’m mostly okay with that, I do want to at least try to make my way back to finnpoe again -- I’m working on a bigbang fic so I desperately want to finish that (it’s outlined and everything and I think it may end up being one of my most personal fics) but we’ll see -- Star Wars fandom continues to push me away, and I won’t be able to post it until May, which is rough for someone like me, who depends so much on positive attention. There’s also a bunch of DamFam things I want to explore, especially now. 

I also want to keep writing the John/Chas but I want to stop feeling so embarrassed about it -- like so what that it was so long ago, people are still into it! Every few weeks or so I get someone on tumblr clearly going through my John/Chas tag, anyway. So at least I will have/still have some readers for that nonsense. 

I want to be better about prompts people give me -- I try to set expectations at the floor level for these things but I do genuinely like writing things for people, at least partly b/c I’m terrible at coming up with ideas on my own, so I want to try harder to fill memes and such. 

And idk maybe I’d like to find another ship that I like, that’s not from a dead show, where the fandom isn’t the worst. DARE TO DREAM (the impossible dream).

[kakkoweeb]

tagged by @atsumus thank you i see this is about writing and i love you for that

i,, don’t know who to tag WRITER FRIENDS ASSEMBLE okay maybe @karasunovolleygays hello i am interested to see you do this, if you haven’t yet

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

i formulated it for tumblr and and decided to use it for ao3 to retain my branding. it’s basically just, cool weeb idk it’s not even true but i’m owning it

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos)

that would be the multi-chapter i guess. though i do want to maybe someday do actual math like. compare the kudos/comment ratio with the hits and then calculate which ACTUALLY performed the best based on that.

3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

oh it’s that one art i did of oikawa saying “4 YEARS WE’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER AND YOU DON’T WANNA SEE ME JUMP OUTTA DA CAKE” except i put a comic sans ‘excuse u’. not sure why i used it either; it makes me look sassy whenever i reply to comments but it got me a mutual (lolol hi vio) and people comment about it when they see it so No Ragrets

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

yES. the oikage ao3 community is so kind to me tbh ever since i posted my first fics. of course i love every single commenter i get (with one exception, maybe.) and i appreciate the diversity when i post non-oikage fics too. (those are basically my ao3 categories. oikage and misc JDFKSJD)

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

i reread my own fics from time to time for no reason and the ones that i come back to the most are from the p+c series i did for oikage week. i’m sort of proud of them? but i feel like they didn’t get as much feedback as i would’ve liked so i appreciate them in my own time. #2 and #5 in particular.

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

i’m a picky person, so i only have 25 bookmarks, 8 work subscriptions, and 3 user subscriptions. the bookmarks and subscriptions may overlap

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

i am a private au royalty, and i have so many idek which to start, which i’m actually going to write, etc. i’m a sucker for complex and adventure aus, as well as the heart-wrenching ones

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

uhhh user subscriptions are 25, subscriptions are 86, and bookmarks are 331. doesn’t seem like a lot haha how dare you ask me this,

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

basically everything that i write yet don’t post. mostly because they involve my ocs. don’t get me wrong; i’m good at making ocs now i don’t mary sue or anything and they’re all really cool and story-relevant but people just don’t want/need to see that kind of thing, you know?

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

setting description, dialogue-heavy pieces, condensing a work to involve less words, romance in general u gh how an anti-romance as a genre person ended up here is a mystery to me, and just. writing in general. as far as i see, i still suck

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

rarepairs. i don’t think i’ve ever glorified a popular ship before. if ever i do write for them it’s just because it was requested or something.

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

21

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

uhhhh last i counted i had like 30+ non-drabble/short WIPs but that was last year. a lot has happened since then adfjsdkf

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

my head can’t remember what day it is, so i write em down. 

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

nope (i want to tho)

16. How did you discover AO3?

tumblr, i would think, back when i was still fixated on dmmd.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?

HAHAHAHA no

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

nope lmfao but i could. because i am kakkoweeb from now on y’all are The Weeb Shits djdkf im joking of course. does anyone other than youtubers even do that?

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

when i was eight years old, i think that would be anne mazer. right now, i’m inspired by my favourite fic authors bECAUSE THEY’RE ALL SO GOOD i’d name drop/tag but i’m embarrassed haha,, basically take a good look at my bookmarks you’ll know who they are

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

everyone has to start somewhere, and i think a pretty good start before the actual writing is reading. reading is where the whole thing begins, and from it you can get ideas and styles and words, and develop your way of thinking. as for actual writing: it’s important not to pressure yourself to be really really good and that you find ways to have fun with it. write for your own reasons. look to improvement, but not to the point that it’s all you care about. it’s normal to get stuck, it’s normal to go slow. but if you really love it, don’t quit. keep writing and you’ll never go wrong. oh, and editing is your friend.

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

definitely plot out. it’s going to be impossible for me to remember everything on the fly, and ideas pop out at random times in the day and i can’t discard them, so each story has a plan. the level of detail depends on the complexity and my own creative ability at any given moment. sometimes tho i get ideas midway through speed-typing and just go with them.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

no, not really bad. some kind of off-topic, yes, but not bad. i just don’t reply.

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

romantic things in general. the emotions and sensations that come with touch and affection, because i don’t write those based on experience.

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

…a lot. just. a lot.

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

bruh yeah. i even have projects that have spinoffs/sequels where i want to write the sequels before the actual project 

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

ideally, that would be to write and then feel satisfied with what i’ve written, in terms of the degree of accomplishment (did i just finish a subsection or a chapter? get past a part where i was stuck?) and the quality. most days, it’s too high a goal.

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

infinitely, yes. it’d be a little embarrassing if i didn’t improve since childhood

28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?

i,, i don’t know, i like and hate them all to some degree lmfao

29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?

:)))) i don’t want to talk about it. if you read my writing journal though, you might be able to tell what it is.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

hopefully finished with a couple of things, still writing, and maybe with some writer friends? I HOPE AND CREI

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

…finding a word processor. LMAO idk each aspect has its own easy and hard moments depending on the type of project you’re working on. getting excited about an idea, maybe? that’s easy

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

writing

33. Why do you write?

because i have been for years and don’t know how to do anything else, and because i want to be the content i want to see in the world. also because i have like 34838 worlds in my head and need a medium for all of them 

[brokenwinchesterr]

Some Things Never Change- Seth Rollins x Reader

This is my piece for @fan-fiction-galore and @thewriterformerlytaggedas  31 Little Wrestling Fics writing challenge. I’m not gonna lie. There was a few times I thought about dropping out because I had homecoming this week and tbh it kicked my ass. I had one day last week when I came home from planning where I just cried. It was such a cluster fuck and the people who were helping plan the dance we were doing weren't doing their part. I ended up doing most of it and I paid for most of the shit anyway. Regardless I made it through and I'm pretty proud of this. I also edited it but I'm not sure how good I've done so please let me know if something is fucked up and ill fix it!

I hope you all enjoy and please leave me feedback! I know deep down this isn't my best work but I really enjoyed writing it and I think it turned out pretty good.

Pairing: Seth Rollins x Reader, if you squint really hard Bayley x Corey Word Count: 4,448 (this is a lot more than planned) Warnings: Language, bullying I guess ( Corey is a real asshole) A/N: okay THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT. So as mentioned above Corey really is an asshole. I wrote him like that because in real life I hate him. I have never hated anyone like I hate him. Now I'm not trying to force you all to hate him and I’m not trying to say fuck you if you like Corey. I’m trying to avoid issues of people who like Corey by warning y'all.

IF YOU LIKE COREY AND DONT WANT TO SEE HIM GET KINDA SHIT ON DONT READ THIS!!

I’ve warned you all.

The life of an athlete was a though one. Constantly traveling and putting their lives on the line could be stressful. Being a professional wrestler was seemingly more taxing than any other athletic job because it's not just being an athlete it's being an actor. That meant that days off were rare. Days off when everyone could just hang out and have fun together as themselves were rare. That's how they all got themselves into this mess. They were in the town of Appleton; a place in Wisconsin, exploring some ruins of a house which is supposed to be haunted. That's according to some locals anyway. They had been sitting in silence until Sami spoke up.

" Whose idea was this anyway?" Sami asked. Seth immediately pointed at Y/N who had her head buried in her phone. She was trying to find the exact location of the house which was not an easy task.

" Literally everything about this is illegal!" Sami exclaimed, concern written all over his features.

" You're completely right, Sami, but it's the season of halloween and we have to be spoopy.'' Y/N responded looking up at him.

" Spoopy?" Bray asked, meeting her eyes in the rearview mirror. Y/N nodded. He just raised his eyebrows in response, and shook his head, before turning his focus back to the road. They had somehow managed to coerce him to driving; Sami sat in the passenger seat (though with a lot of protest. He always claimed Bray freaked him out) with Seth directly behind him, and Y/N to his left. Behind Y/N was Bayley, who felt the need to continuously play with her hair. She claimed it was 'as soft as a baby's butt.' To Bayley's right was Corey Graves, a long time friend of Seth's.

-

 They had been on the road for quite a while until it was becoming clear that the long drive was getting to everyone. By everyone, mostly Y/N and Corey. Tensions were at an all time high between the two who were, for some random reason, arguing about the show Supernatural; something Corey had never even seen before. So of course, Y/N being the die-hard fan she is began to get irritated because ,'' who was this idiot to say it's shit when he's never seen it before.''

" You know a show is shit when the bump it for another show.'' He shot back, talking about when the twelfth season of Supernatural got bumped for the first season Riverdale.

She took a breath, ready to destroy his claim, but she paused, and instead said," Y'know what Corey? I'm not gonna argue with you. I'm just gonna let you keep blowing smoke out of your ass because it's what you do best.'' You could hear in her voice that she was tired of the constant issues from Corey. She looked over to Seth, giving him a look that said,' I told you he was going to be a problem.' Bayley suggested they play the quiet game, and for the rest of the ride, they sat in silence.

Once they got into town, Y/N suggested that they should pull over because she still had to find the actual address of the house. She decided to call an old friend to see if he knew where it was located. Scary things and adventuring were his specialties.

"Hello?" Spoke a gruff voice through the phone.

"Elton! Hey I'm so glad you answered," Y/N responded," I have a huge favor to ask you."

" Sure what's up?"

" So I managed to drag some friends to that place in Wisconsin that I was telling you about. We made it to the town, but now I'm not sure exactly where to go and I was wondering if you remembered where the actual house was?"

" Oh, um yeah, give me a sec to grab my computer."

There was a short pause, some rustling, then some barking, which Y/N assumed was from Circa, Elton's dog, and then he was back on the receiver with a," Sorry. It was buried under a bunch of new shirts."

Elton owned a clothing brand and he was currently in the process of creating new products. It was something he'd been working on for a long time.

" You'll have to tell me all about the shirts another time, but right now I really need to know where the house is."

" Alright. So, when you first pull into town, your gonna want to take an immediate left. It's not gonna look like it's a road, but I promise you, it's there. Then the road is gonna continue for a few miles and then it'll come to a 'T'. Go right. Follow the road and you'll see the house. It's fenced off and it's a little bit of a hike to get to it, but honestly it's not that bad. I'm not sure how you're gonna get through the fence but I'm sure you'll figure it out."

" Awesome! Thank you so much Elton! I don't know what I'd do with out you.'' Y/N spoke a smile beginning to grace her features. She truly loved and appreciated her friends.

" You'd probably die.'' he responded with a chuckle.

" True. True.''

"Be safe, and I'll see you soon, yeah?"

" Of course.'' Y/N answered as she hung up the phone. A lunch meet up was already in her schedule.

" So what's the deal.'' Seth asked.

Y/N let out a breath," He said it's an immediate left on a road that doesn't look like a road but is actually a road. I'm assuming it's back the way we came just 'cause we've already been driving for quite a while.''

" There was a little opening between some trees not to long ago.'' Bayley spoke up.

" Then that's probably it! Great, now let's get back on the road.'' Sami said jumping into the conversation, while motioning at the car. Everyone loaded up and they began the shortish drive to the house.

-

Surprisingly they had made it without very many problems. The only thing was Corey’s constant talking, but when is it not a problem for Y/N.

" It looks more like ruins of a house than an actual house. I was expecting this huge thing.'' Seth said, motioning with his hands, leaning against the car door he just closed.

" Well appearances don't always matter.'' Y/N replied to him, poking his chest to punctuate each word.

" Are you trying to call me ugly with out actually saying it?" He responded pulling her in for a hug.

" Why would I do that?'' Y/N looked up at him.

" You never know.'' A small smile appeared. He leaned down and just as his lips were about to meet Y/N's, they heard Corey's voice." Alright lovebirds if we're gonna do this I'd rather it not be dark, so can we hurry it up?"

Y/N let out a screeching noise and looked to Corey,'' No one gives a fuck. Literally. We got here like, five seconds ago. Plus, we have no idea how we're gonna get through this fence yet.''

" We could probably hop it to be honest.''Seth said, running his hands up and down Y/N's sides.

" Um, I don't know Seth. Some of us are kind of short.'' Bayley said, speaking of herself and Y/N.

" We'll help.'' Sami responded.

Seth was the first one over, with Y/N passing the ouija board through the slit where the fence panels connected. Sami had a backpack that he through over next, and looked to one of the girls.

" Who's going next?"

They looked to each other and the fence. It was pretty damn high.

" Hey, both of you look at me.'' Seth spoke through the fence, sensing the fear. '' Its just like climbing a steel cage. You can do it.''

" I'll go.'' Bayley said after a few moments of silence. She looked as nervous as she was for her Mania match. Sami stood at the fence ready to boost her while the other three stood back to catch her incase she fell. When she reached the top it didn't take her long to drop onto the ground of the other side of the fence.

" Wow. I don't know if I'll be able to handle a real ghost if I can't handle this.'' She added, wiping the sweat from her hands. Sami pulled himself up and over next, leaving Y/N, Bray, and Corey on the other side.

" Your turn.'' Corey said, ready to boost her.

" Fuck you.'' She responded as she put her foot in his hands as a rest. Once she had almost steadied herself at the top, she felt Corey's grip on her leg release, and had she not had a good center of gravity she would have toppled to the ground. Instead she had managed to shift herself so she fell towards the other three in the group.

" Fuck.'' She spoke, feeling Seth's arms steady her on her feet.

" Corey what the hell?" Seth asked.

" I-I'm sorry, I don't know what happened.''

" He nearly passed out.'' Bray said finally.

" Why though?"

" I'm not to sure."

"Let's just.. get everyone on the same side of the fence please.'' Bayley said turning to face the house on the hill, as the other two men made their way over.

-

The outside of the house wasn't very bad. Of course, it was run down, the paint was peeling, and most of the grass and brush were dead, but it was two stories plus an attic, had a decent sized yard, and was probably the talk of the town before it was haunted and abandoned. To Y/N, all the caution tape and signs were no big deal, just a part of exploring, but of course, Corey couldn't keep his mouth shut. He went on a whole rant about how they could get arrested for this and how lucky she was that he didn't call their boss and complain that she was doing illegal stuff. Once they had managed to make it to the door Y/N sprawled out on the steps and groaned.

" This is my life now," Y/N started, speaking in a melodramatic manor, " I have climbed this hill and now I will die upon it."

" C'mon you're fine.'' Seth responded pulling her up into him and pressing a kiss to her forehead. He had been keeping her close ever since the incident at the fence.

'' We were only hiking for like twenty minutes.'' Sami said questioningly, shaking his head.

" Do we really want to do this?" Bayley asked. She was the only other female on the roster willing to come with them to the supposed 'haunted' ruins. They were going to bring Dean as well but with some last minute plans with Renee they 'settled with Corey' as Y/N would put it. Everyone else was too scared.

" We'll be fine, they don't seem to angry.'' Bray spoke, stoically. Bayley and Y/N locked eyes, sharing a worried glance.

" Good to know buddy,'' Seth said patting Bray on the shoulder and walking to the door. Corey remained at the bottom of the steps. Before Seth could even reach to open the door they began to hear noises coming from inside the house.

" God damn it, why are we doing this!'' Corey finally snapped,'' and why the hell did you bring a Ouija board, you know how I feel about that shit!" he said motioning to Y/N, who held it in her hands. Him and Y/N didn't get along to well, that was for sure established, if she was with Seth and Seth and Corey were friends then that made her and Corey friends, kind of. They shared a mutual hatred that Everyone knew about and that was how their relationship worked. Hell even people who didn't know them knew it. The vibes they had when they were around each other were absolutely toxic. Couldn't they keep their feelings at bay for one night?

" Because it's Halloween time, stupid.'' She replied as if it were obvious, " we're at a haunted house, and it's gonna get dark eventually. Why else would I have it?''

" The house is not haunted.''

''Bet.'' Y/N began.

" Alright, Alright, enough you two.'' Seth spoke locking eyes with the woman he called his girlfriend. She shook her head mumbling a whatever and pushing past him reaching to open the door.

" I wouldn't do that just yet,'' Sami spoke hurriedly, before Y/N could open the door, " I agree with Bayley. Are we really sure we want to do this?''

" I'm 100 percent sure. I don't know about y'all but I'm going in. We just did all that hiking and not to mention the fucking fence.'' Y/N said forcing her way around Sami and into the house.

" I don't want to leave her here a lone.'' Seth answered, shrugging. Bray said nothing and walked in behind Seth.

" I want to see if this house is really haunted.'' Corey responded, following closely behind the other two men.

" I'm with you on this one Sami but these are our friends.. Do we really want to leave them here alone so the could possibly get hurt?'' Bayley asked walking up the steps and standing next to Sami.

Sami just shook his head and said," C'mon.''

The inside of the house was dirty to say the least. When you walked in, immediately to the left was a flight of stairs, to the right of that was a door, probably to the basement, and a broken-looking table. There was definitely a lot of random clutter in the house before it became abandoned. To the direct right, was what seemed like the living room, and when you walked into it and went left, the kitchen was attached at the other side of the room.

Everyone was mostly looking around the living room. There were a lot of pictures considering how long it had been abandoned. Y/N had decided that she wanted to go explore the upstairs floor. When you walk up the stairs it runs directly into a corridor with quite a dew doors on each side. She was assuming that the people who built this house either had a very large family or they had a lot of stuff. She noticed there were quite a few pictures on the walls here too. They were all of the same man. He was always wearing a party hat and had some other person or pet in the photo with him. Just as she was about to enter the first room she heard her name being called from downstairs.

" They're ready to play the ouija board." Seth said to her.

" Alright then.'' She said plopping onto the ground in the middle of the living room.

They all filled in the circle around her,watching as Bray set the planchette on 'G'.

" If you don't want to play or don't believe, leave the circle.'' He spoke solemnly.

Corey stood up leaving Bray, Seth, Bayley, and Y/N sitting in a weird-square formation.

" Be careful when asking the questions. If you're joking or don't want to know the answer don't ask it,'' Y/N added,'' follow my lead to start.''

Everyone placed two fingers on the planchette and Y/N said,'' Ouija, we are here,'' while moving the planchette in three circles.

" Okay. It's ready.''

" Who wants to ask the first question?'' Seth asked looking around the group.

" I'll go,'' Bayley spoke. Y/N looked at her bewildered. '' If I'm gonna do it, might as well go all in.'' She finished shrugging. She took a deep breath, trying to calm her racing mind and heart.

" Are there any spirits here that would like to talk to us?” Bayley asked, a small quiver to her voice.

They sat for a few seconds, waiting for something to happen. Just as Y/N was about to say something she felt a movement under her fingers and she shut her eyes, afraid to look down. Was this really happening? When she opened her eyes the planchette rested on 'yes'.

" Fuck,'' Seth whispered in a faulty voice,'' I don't want to do this anymore.'' He took his fingers off the planchette.

" No! You're not supposed to do that!" Y/N screamed, nearly removing her fingers as well.

'' Why? What's gonna happen? I can't just put them back on?'' He asked, fear evident in his features. Y/N could tell he was trying to mask it, but she knew him all to well.

" It don't work like that.'' Bray responded.

" Well, why the hell not?" Seth asked. Y/N was about to respond when a groan sounded from somewhere around the house.

" Old houses make noises. It's normal,'' Y/N said. Another groan was heard,".... right?''

" Of course they do.'' Corey said. But it wasn't in a sarcastic or rude way. That gave a little shock to everyone. It’s crazy what fear does to a person.

" Am I gonna die now or something?'' Seth asked.

" No, you should be fine. I'm not entirely sure though.'' Bray responded.

" Let's just ask another question.'' Bayley said quickly.

" When did you die?'' Y/N asked, trying to relieve some of the tension in the air. It was thick like butter. The planchette remained still, and then flung itself off the board and into the wall

" It didn't like that question.'' Seth exclaimed.

The front door which they left open was slammed shut, causing many photos to fall of their places on the wall. Everyone looked around waiting to see what would happen next. Crashes could be heard from the kitchen where leftover dishes and cutlery were crashing to the ground.

" Upstairs!'' Bray shouted, grabbing the Ouija board and throwing it at the wall. The group watched as it broke to pieces." Go!"

Everyone bounded up the stairs and Sami had made a hard right into the first room. Everyone stood, trying to catch their breath.

Seth opened his mouth to speak but the only thing that was heard was the sound of the door slamming.

The next thing Y/N knew, she was being thrown into a wall; the force of the collision had her seeing stars. She heard the fearful screams of Bayley as other object got thrown around the room. She had heard that playing the ouija board wrong angered spirits, but to this extent? It was a little much. What had they done wrong? Corey was the only one who didn't want to play and he didn't. The weren't being intentionally disrespectful and even though Bray was pretty weird when it came to demonic stuff she believed him when he had said that they weren't too angry. Why was he wrong? By the time she had regained her bearings, things had calmed down. Bayley wasn't screaming but she was sitting in a corner, letting the sobs overtake her and Corey had wandered over to her to try to calm her down. You could still hear objects being thrown around the rest of the house as different doors continued to slam. Sami looked as if he might have started crying. Y/N was looking around the room and noticed immediately that things were wrong. Bray was lying in the center of the room in a heap. Y/N also noticed that Seth was no where to be seen.

' He's probably in a different room.' She though, more like hoped, to herself as she raced over to Bray's side.

The last thing she needed was to have to explain that she got him killed because they went to a literal haunted house. She had noticed that Bray had blood running down from his nose. The moment she placed her hand on his chest to feel for a beat, his eyes shot open and he looked around, frantically, as if he were expecting more damage than that had actually been done. He knew one thing for sure. They had to get out of that house. She helped pull him to his feet and ran to the door. It was closed. In her head she was praying it wasn't locked. What would they even do if it was? No one would be around to hear them scream, let alone to save them. She breathed a huge sigh of relief when the knob turned. She looked behind her to see everyone up and ready to follow her next move. Bayley was clearly leaning on Corey, while Bray stood on his own, leaning his weight to one side of his body. Sami stood in the back ready for whatever may come, with his arms wrapped around himself.

What had Y/N gotten herself and her friends into? She was about to cry herself when the checked every room on the second floor and saw no sign of Seth. Everything in the living room and kitchen looked the same, except for one thing. The door that lead to what they thought was the basement was closed. Sami and Corey had gone to check the other side of the first floor, after leaving Bray and Bayley sitting on the floor of the living room. Y/N remained in front of the basement door. She knew deep down that they were going to have to go in there. There was no other option. To her, it didn't matter what the others thought. If they wanted to leave they could. She was not about to leave a man who she had spent the better part of a year with. He wouldn't leave her.

Soon Y/N felt the presence of the guys behind her.

" We need to leave, now. Let's just go down there, not let our fear get to us, and grab Seth.'' Corey said.

" What if he isn't down there?'' Sami asked.

" Are you fucking ser-" Y/N started.

" No I don't mean it like that. I just mean what if he actually isn't down there.''

Y/N was at a loss for words. She didn't want to think is he wasn't down there. He had to be.

" We'll cross that bridge if we get to it.'' Corey spoke reaching to open the door. He took a breath and swung the flat of wood in. It was dark, and seemingly cold; way colder than the rest of the house. Y/N had never appreciated Corey more.

" We got this.'' Sami said pulling a flashlight out of his bag. Corey grabbed the flashlight from him and took the lead. As the trio descended down the steps Y/N automatically had an uneasy feeling. She was ready to go home and curl in a ball.

The basement was full to the brim. There were shelves upon shelves of survival stuff. MRI'S, medkits, canned food, jugs of water. What the hell was this? One thing in particular Y/N noticed was a random door in the wall. Corey and Sami had checked everything during the time she was looking around. This guy must have been a real doomsday prepper.

" Nothing.'' Corey said, looking at her with an underlying sadness. This was his best friend. Y/N motioned to the door she had just been staring at.

" That's the only place we haven't checked."

" Then let's get to it.'' Corey responded, reaching for the door. Sami grabbed a steel bar from one of the shelves. Y/N looked at him.

" What? Just in case.''

'' What are you going to do beat the ghost to death?"

" Maybe.''

Corey shook his head heaving the heavy metal door open. Y/N peaked her head in and let out a gasp. Seth was in a chair with a party hat strapped to his head. Just as she was about to step in, a man appeared. He was wearing a party hat just like Seth's. Y/N recognized him to be the man from all the pictures from upstairs.

" Want to join the party?"  The thing spoke. Y/N nearly let out a scream before she felt some one pull her by the back of her shirt. She looked to Corey who had pulled her out of the doorway and away from the ghost. Sami had decided to chuck the steel bar and it 'hit' the ghost. The bar clattered to the ground. It faltered for a second and disappeared.

" I can't believe that actually worked!'' Sami exclaimed as Corey pat him on the back. Y/N ran over to the chair where Seth was beginning to stir. He groaned and opened his eyes looking at her.

" Hey. Oh my god. Hi.'' Y/N started babbling. " I thought you were gone.''

" No. I'm okay.'' He responded, letting out a groan, sitting up in the chair.

" We should go.'' Sami suggested.'' I don't know how long that ghost is gonna be gone for.'' He picked up the steel bar. Just in case. Y/N helped Seth rise to his feet and he placed his arm around her shoulder. They made their way up the stairs in silence, and as soon as Bayley caught sight of them she was up and asking a bunch of questions.

" Can we do this in the car? I wanna get out of here.'' Seth said as his grip tightened on Y/N.

" Oh yeah, of course. Sorry.'' Bayley replied. She pulled Bray up with her and then they set out to leave.

Y/N breathed a sigh of relief as Sami swung the front door open. She clung to Seth like she hadn't seen him in years, afraid he'd get taken from her again. Maybe actual haunted places were a no go. She was glad that at least everyone was a little closer than before.

Once they had made it back over the fence and into the car, everyone paused and took a breath.

" That was the fucking worst idea ever.'' Corey griped.

" I know, and I'm sorry. Looking back on it, I probably should've picked a fake haunted place.'' Y/N responded. Sami started the car and let out a little laugh.

" Now this is something I thought I'd never see. Y/N and Corey getting along. Sort of.''

" Ha Ha. Fantastic. Relish in it somewhere far away from here." Bray spoke up from the back.

" Okay, Okay I'm going.'' Sami said.

" What if we went to fright fest at six flags?" Y/N asked.

" NO!”

[thunderoad]

Hi, I really admire your work; everything is so well-written and engaging. I was wondering if you had any tips for new writers? They would be much appreciated. Thanks!!

ah, thank you!! i hope it’s okay to post this so that maybe somebody more qualified can offer their insight; i feel tragically unhelpful, but maybe this’ll help?

first off, THANK YOU AGAIN!! i feel like it’s a pretty normal concern to wonder whether anyone is going to want to read your writing besides yourself, but that doesn’t make it any easier to box up and pack away.

i feel like, if i could boil down the past year and a half or so of writing into just a quick tip, it’d come down to: know your characters and everything will be fine. seriously - i think that’s all i ever did. and people will really go down these meandering paths with you, if you ask them to. looking back now my first fic is such a sketchy rough draft, but i wanted to depict niall (and the rest of the boys) grappling with the upcoming hiatus in a way that felt real because i was definitely experiencing some anxiety about it, so why not translate that into a story and have the characters i was so interested in deal try to cope? and tbh, that’s all i’ve done ever since. 

i’m gonna use myself as an example of not taking my own advice and bring up two of what i consider my weakest fics, feels like home & and days gone by. it’s hard to quantify, but i feel like if you read those, and then read another one where the narrator is much more present and saturated in the story, you can feel the difference? and that TOTALLY came from a lack of confidence on my part. if you don’t think the reader will go with you to college and have their emotions tossed into a blender set to puree, they won’t. 

i always felt like i didn’t quite nail those characters because i kept trying to scale back what they were doing and sort of anchor them in this rational state of affairs where friendship and affection have to be earned, but i don’t really think that’s the case, so i don’t really care for those fics. but other people do! so it’s like, my first tip is ALWAYS know who you’re writing about and their heart(s), but don’t worry if anybody else does. cuz even when u feel like you’ve dropped the ball, someone’s out there going ‘man, i wonder if anybody else has ever felt like this before...’ and you get to be the person that says, ‘me!’ that’s such a good thing. don’t not write just because it’s not perfect; at the end of the day, you’ll be much more proud of yourself for the work you did do (and the practice you got in!!) than what you didn’t. 

also, speaking of feels like home...exchanges and big bangs and stuff are for some people. they are DEFINITELY not for me. the minute i start thinking about what the reader will think, which is necessarily part of the deal if you’ve signed on to write a fic before it’s written, my ability to tell a story pLUMMETS, and the fic loses confidence in itself that it’s a story worth telling. you can almost pick those moments out of my mermaid au, like a kid just learning how to ride a bike, absolutely eating sidewalk every few yards. thinking about the audience is for the second draft, or for editing. 

the first draft can be as self-indulgent as you want. to the end of the night is my exception to the rule because i actually got that one done early and had time to look it over and ask for a beta. i was always really proud of this itty bitty moment in that fic where louis remembers riding in the car with his mom, and she says to him, ‘don’t you know i’m your biggest fan?’ it echoes later on really neatly, where you’re sort of meant to consider how much he lost, but it’s also one of my own memories - the line, the mom, the car, everything. nobody’s ever commented on it, which leads me to believe it fit well within that story, as incredibly self-indulgent as it was. you can be as self-indulgent as you’d like so long as you don’t overshadow your characters or story. (my flowershop au could’ve used a LOT of editing in this regard.) 

stephen king recommends putting away your recently completed project, taking a little downtime, maybe even starting work on something else. and then you break out your finished project and go over it with fresh eyes. it’s super hard to resist the urge to post immediately when ao3 is rIGHT THERE and you just wanna know if it’s ANY GOOD but!! in my experience, having someone read what i wrote and give me feedback improves my fic by a factor of at least ten. sometimes more than that. people in fandom are usually so generous, too, so if you have the chance, find someone whose opinion you trust and have them read yourself over for you. it also helps to be specific about what you want them to watch out for. mechanical stuff, transitions, flow, plot, character development. all you have to do is ask. 

also, EXPERIMENTING IS COOL! i can’t emphasize this one enough. and don’t be afraid to take risks. trippin’ on skies sippin’ waterfalls and things change came out of just wanting to try something different, and they’re two of the ones i’m most proud of. i really liked once and future things, too, because i got to try my hand at plot. safe to say it’s not my strong suit but you never know till you try, and you never know what you’ll learn. not every fic is going to get as many hits or kudos as you think they should, but that doesn’t mean they’re not every bit as good or worthy.

which, final bit of advice: write about stuff that matters to you. i know how that sounds, but honestly, it gives your characters purpose and drive and - here it is - a heart, because they have a bit of yours, and i swear you can feel the difference. that’s what i really mean by knowing your characters: finding the bits of yourselves that you have in common, and bringing them to life. i didn’t think anything of riverina, which is about being in my early 20s and my life being a mess, but the feedback on it was exactly what you’d ever want to hear (and exactly what the point of writing is): ‘phew, thank goodness it’s not just me!’

that’s all i’ve got, really. i’ve written a lOT of words but i don’t think i’m a better writer, necessarily. i think i’m just better at being myself and doing it my own way. practice, find where your heart and your character’ overlap, make friends with writers who can help you figure out what works and what doesn’t, and most of all, have fun with it. i hope that helps! 

[supermanonesie-blog]

the brain of a crazy bitch

First thought: Why do people share? Why write and then invite others online to read what you have to say? For me, it’s a matter of de-stigmatization. Bad stigma causes undue social shame. That’s unnecessary. I often forget what my mother told me a long time ago—one of the many valuable things she has taught me over my twenty-six years of existence (along with how to use a toilet, which has come in handy truly countless times, as you can imagine). She said, when you think you’re the only one in the world who feels the way you do, remember the billions of other people on the planet—and it’s SO unlikely you’re the only one. (I think we’re at about 7 billion right now.)

This idea was one of the few sentiments I heard as a child that defied the theme of “you are special and unique and there is nobody like you”. It also, now that I reflect upon it, aligns with a common trend in my thinking which is that of statistics of large numbers—another occupational side effect—although numbers in the billions are quite small compared to numbers that deal with atoms and molecules vibrating and whooshing around in the air and water and other phases. Damn, Avogadro. Your name sounds like avocado, and you really nailed it with 10^23. Two things that make you awesome. And for those of you who are like, ummmm excuse me, it’s actually 6.0222 blah blah blah? Fuck off, those decimal places are a joke.

As usual, I have digressed. Although, statistics of large numbers is quite on point—perhaps more so than you may know. The reason is this: I think that intellectually, we can understand that other people feel the same way we do about a given subject. However, because humans are cursed with the overwhelming phenomenon of emotion and the unfortunate skill of emotional analysis, when overwhelmed with a certain feeling, it is nearly impossible to remind ourselves that we are not broken or fucked up or so different or too much or too little or wrong in some way. It is SO hard to remember that you’re really fine to be whoever you are. If you fall somewhere within 5 or 6 sigma of the Gaussian average of humans, you (no matter how much you fight or deny this) care a great deal what people think and how far you fall from your conceptualization of what is “normal”. Now, depending on who you are, you may range from caring to what one person thinks of you to what 7x10^9 people think of you, but you fucking care. It will greatly calm your overall emotional existence to care MORE what you think of yourself, but I do think this is a common struggle.

Here, I ruminate on my experience with men in the lens of this theme. Unmistakably, this applies to a crazy number of women. Not 10^23, but a lot. As a woman (and you fuckers who are like, ugh gross, she’s going to go on a rant and she’s a man hater – shut up, I love men – A. LOT. and I don’t hate most of you, just the uninvited pussy grabbers and feeling-shamers). Okay, so as a woman who is 26, I have lived a lot of my pre-teen to adult life receiving direct and indirect messages from guys that they would like me more if I were different. I could reach perfection if I could just get rid of a fewwww things about me. And furthermore, that I am some level of unworthy of respect, appreciation, attention, time, whatever—because I care, am engaged, interested, emotional, aggressive, confident, insatiable, curious, intense, and my favorite: CRAZY. 

But if I lose my center and start focusing more on how he might think of me and less of what I think of him, then the only thing I am doing is playing games (potentially just with myself) to make me feel like I am desirable and in possession of the upper hand. This is one of the most challenging things to avoid in my personal life. This might be singularly the only challenging thing in my personal life. This leads me feeling shitty, alone, undesirable, WEIRD, CRAZY, STUPID….the list goes on. 

When did I become like this and why? How did I fuck up so much? 

It’s been like this since I was something like 12 years old at camp and my initial reaction to having a crush on this boy (a whole year old than me!!! Omigod) was the thought that there was no way he would like me because I was not as pretty as other girls. (Side note, total bullshit because I was adorable and way thinner than I thought I was, and objectively very cute.) From that point on, I garnered so much anxiety from feeling like I had to act like the “ideal girl” that I spent a stupid amount of time trying to look like it, talk like it, act like it, etc. 

This worrying was and is made a thousand times worse by the fact that 1) I have – as one of my best guy friends has put it—the eye of Sauron. Meaning, I notice and interpret the subtlest nuances of physical, facial, and inter-personal behavior roughly a million times better than the average human. (Comment on this: it in no way means that I respond in a smart way. In fact, it’s about 40/60 idiotic/smart. I’ve thought about this a great deal, and I’m convinced that it’s more amusing to do unpredictable things and see how the other person reacts. It’s fucking masochistic. And also endlessly interesting.) 

It (my worrying) is also worsened by the fact that 2) I have generalized anxiety. It wasn’t called anything until my therapist said it aloud about 4 years ago, but looking back on my life, it’s something that has influenced my behavior and choices in one way or another since I was about 12 years old. The first time she said it, I came in (like a wrecking ball, if you will or if you won’t – lol) with alllllllll sorts of judgement about what this meant, and how I felt like I had to pretend I didn’t have this, and how it meant I was different and messed up, blah blah blah. But basically, it’s what I’ve inherited genetically, I can’t change that it’s there, and it unfortunately means pretty much what it sounds like. I garner anxiety from generally everything, plus or minus some things depending on what my anxiety has me nervous about. It’s taken me through absolute rock-bottom hell, which I clawed my way out of with the unwavering love, patience, strength, and kindness of a dear friend (and two amazing doctors). After two straight years of what I would classify broadly as SHIT, I found something that worked for me in order to live my best life and as much as possible diminish this blanket anxiety. I don’t think I toot my own horn a lot, but god damn, that is something to be seriously proud of while getting a PhD. 

I bring this up because I think that over the years, my anxiety latched onto this phenomenon of being the ideal woman (in the eyes of men). The problem was that as I set my goal to summit this mountain, and gain the ultimate freedom from feeling not good enough and having to pretend I was someone different, I picked the wrong summit towards which to climb. I – rather unknowingly, I think – decided that if I was to be free from this, I would be SO amazing in the eyes of men that I would be desirable to them all, and not be under their control. THIS – THIS IS INSANE. For so many reasons. This also DROVE ME INSANE, because, DUH, “men” are not identical humans with identical tastes and identical values. This makes this mountain, well, insurmountable, sets up a totally unhealthy power dynamic, and fuels anxiety. It’s a fucking positive feedback loop sort of nightmare. 

But why is it so hard to kick this habit? One, because when you do something for a decade, it’s always a practice to change. And I fuck up. A LOT. I am stupidly good at chasing boys off. And it makes me kick myself in the head, because then it becomes totally unclear if they are assholes, idiots, whatever, or they are totally thrown by my erratic fluctuations between when I decide to play the game (so tempting) and when I decide to be totally open and when I decide they’re a jerk (the fallback).

It’s also hard to kick this habit because it’s become all-too common social standard for women to be classified as “too much”, “too talkative”, “too into talking about feelings”, and on and on. I would like to say that women and men are wired differently. Of COURSE women talk. We are wired to be good at emotional communication. We also have higher body fat content that is not so easy to decrease. AND NO, CHILDREN, it’s not just in our tits and asses. Women’s magazines somehow are all about instructing us to get the Brazilian Booty, Kaley Cuoco’s abs, Give Him the Sex He Dreams Of (thanks Cosmo, you actually say the weirdest shit), what to eat to be skinny, how to be happy having three almonds every four hours because you’re too fat, spend time deciding Who Wore It Best, shame Kim Kardashian because OMG she has cellulite on her enormous ass (honestly, how is she supposed to tone that whole thing? It’s the size of a planet), shame women and not men for making sex tapes, tell women that they’re only pretty if they look young, make sure that we don’t have pubic hair even though we grow it... the list is so long. It is insane. And it is 90% about how to be more appealing to guys, even many things under the guise of “how to be your best self”. But tbh, magazines, part of being MY best self involves not torturing myself and wasting my time reading your bullshit. 

So, that’s why it’s hard to get rid of the anxiety. Even for women who are lucky enough not to be generally anxious.

I’ve been lucky enough to have many romantic relationships. Roughly 40% of these guys have in large part not been good to me, and I’ve stuck around, trying to be the person they wanted. Luckily, I am not longer in one of these. Actually, I’m not in any romantic relationship. They make me fucking nervous because I’m convinced I’m going to ruin it or they’re going to bail. 

I don’t regret the unhealthy relationships because – as with all things, the bad doesn’t make the good any less good, and I always absolutely adore the times where the physical or emotional connection was so insane, I literally felt like I was on drugs.

I also am so grateful that I have had relationships spanning 3 years and then 2-ish with men who adored me and respected me and made me feel safe. They loved and love that I am fucking nuts and spontaneous and say and wonder about deep things and stupid things and immerse myself earnestly and unselfconsciously (when it happens) in all curiosities and the fun of life and being an animal (some feline variety, duh). They also, through their confidence in themselves, have the ability to appreciate that people are imperfect, and that was unavoidably contagious.  

It’s almost two years of being single – the longest I have ever been single since the start of my dating life at 15 (wuuuuut??). I sometimes feel old habits emerge, and the judgment that stems from that perturbs my hard-won confidence into an oscillating unstable disaster.  

I know I can’t explain all of this to someone I like who I’ve just met because, well, it’s baggage, as all people have, and you can’t just bring your whole big bag of shit and dump it on someone as they’re just establishing that you’re potentially pretty cool and they really want to stick it in your ear (Yeah, I said ear.). But oops, I just did it again, Britney Fucking Spears style. And the guys who spaz, the hypocrites who are allowed to do their version of crazy while I swallow it and stick around? They should probably grow a little. I don’t even want to say “grow up”, because this isn’t something that necessarily comes with age. It just comes with life and realizing that the low-hanging fruit isn’t all that stimulating-- it’s actually pretty boring. And sometimes you gotta take some weirdness to get the juiciest peach higher up on the tree. 

So, it’s fun to fall down the rabbit hole. I want to have a bunch of moments where I feel like I can be free and open, and meet people who are interesting, open, anddddd can throw down and retain their confidence and not get swayed by some minor aspects of you because well, you’re a human, and you have a history, and you’re imperfect. But with that will inevitably come many men who peace after I drop a bag of my anxiety on their toes by accident. It feels sucky, but saying “that was a sucky thing” instead of “I must suck” took a long time, and I wish I had learned to do that earlier in my life. 

You don’t have to be perfect; you don’t have to meet his expectations. You need to meet yours. And if you’re a fun kind of crazy, go be your fucking fun brand of crazy, because that’s why you love yourself after all.