#anxiety depression and life has won this time

[introvertedkeni]

.

[mononijikayu]

what’s your type? — gojo satoru.

“Senpai, can I ask you something?” “Ask away.” “.........What’s your type?” You blinked, your eyes darting to him. The rustle of leaves against the wind was loud. “What?” “I….I liked that photo of Waka Inoue, but it’s nothing much. Shoko said its icky cause it’s creepy that Waka Inoue looks like her but—” You start to laugh. “Gojo, you are something, aren’t you?”

GENRE: post hidden - inventory arc (2010s)

WARNING/S: domesticity, fluff, angst, trauma, implied death, violence, romance, hurt/comfort, character death depiction of death, depictions of loss and depression, depiction of blood, depiction of killing, depiction of suffering, depiction of anxiety, mention of death, mention of grief, profanity, family drama;

WORDS: 10k words.

NOTE: feeling a little bit better, no more fever. but im still longing for satoru. he won second place in the last poll, so his story has to be contrasting sukuna!!! thank you for still reading my works and healing with me. it's really healing to just take time and see him be the silly man he is. i love him so much, guys. so so much!!!

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u s and t h e m

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November 2005

IT'S ALMOST BEEN SIX MONTHS AND SOMEHOW HE STILL DOESN’T KNOW YOU. And because of this he doesn’t think he can sleep at night. You were Gojo Satoru's senpai, a figure shrouded in mystery and calm that even he, with all his power and insight, could not easily unravel. To Satoru, you were more of an enigma than he could ever hope to be—a person who never spoke more than necessary, and when you did, it was with careful precision, revealing only what was directly asked.

You were a Zen'in by blood, yet you never uttered a word of reproach against your relatives, despite their reputation. It was no secret that the Zen'in clan was a place of harshness and cruelty, but you kept your thoughts tightly sealed, never letting your personal feelings slip. Not even with discontent, it somehow never found a way out of your lips. Your life outside of missions and the classroom was a locked box that Satoru could never open.

Gojo Satoru can’t help it, but he often finds himself wondering about you. Your restraint, your quiet strength. Everything about you was so unlike him, so tranquil and graceful and yet, in some ways, it was what made you so fascinating to him. He knew you didn’t like the higher–ups, nor the clan elders; it was in the way your deep purple eyes would narrow ever so slightly during meetings, in the subtle tension in your posture.

But you never voiced your displeasure, not even in private. Yaga–sensei thinks you got that from your father. And you were too much like him. It was unquestionable, unshakable, vibrant loyalty to the jujutsu world, but Gojo Satoru couldn't tell whether it was out of duty, fear, or something else entirely.

For someone like Gojo Satoru, who thrived on breaking down barriers and challenging the status quo the moment he was born, your unwavering silence on certain matters was almost infuriating. He doesn’t think you were that way when you were born either. But perhaps he was used to being the one who held all the cards, who saw through people with ease.

Yet with you, he was left guessing, speculating. You were the aloof cloud he can never understand. Even when he tried to prod for more, you would give him just enough to satisfy his immediate curiosity but never enough to truly understand you. And that’s what he wanted. He wanted to understand you. To get to know you. To be close to you.

It wasn't that you were cold or distant—far from it, he thinks. You were always there, always supportive when it mattered. Maybe even more than Yaga–sensei sometimes. But you kept your past, your thoughts, and your emotions locked away in a treasure trove he’s been trying to find. And just as always, it was leaving Satoru to wonder what kind of experiences shaped the person you were. Were you haunted by the same ghosts that plagued him, or was your silence a shield against something far darker?

To him, you were like a mirror that reflected his own complexities. The first in centuries to be born with the gift of Ryomen Hiromi, the only heir of the Zen’in clan in its lifetime. But maybe you were someone with a filter that softens the edges. You represented a kind of strength that didn’t need to flaunt itself—a quiet resilience that came from facing the world with resolve and not letting it change who you were at your core.

In a world full of curses and chaos, where everyone had their demons, you remained the one riddle Gojo Satoru couldn’t solve. A mystery he wished to solve. And perhaps that was why, despite all his power and knowledge, he found himself drawn to you again and again, in search of the answer to the question that haunted him the most: Who were you, really? Who was this senpai he looked up to the most?

The room was quiet, save for the sound of Gojo Satoru's footsteps as he paced back and forth. His restless energy filled the space, making it impossible for Geto Suguru to focus on his book. After a few more laps, Suguru finally had enough and gave up, placing the book aside.

"Satoru, would you stop that? You're making me dizzy." Suguru said, rubbing his temples in frustration. “And now the book feels moot to your annoying footsteps.”

Satoru paused mid-step, looking at Suguru with a pout. "I can't help it! I’m just too curious about them. They’re always so secretive."

Ieiri Shoko, who had been watching the scene unfold from her spot on the couch, took a drag from her cigarette before chiming in. "Let him be, Suguru. At least he’ll burn off some of that energy. We might actually get some peace and quiet later."

Satoru shot her a playful glare. "I’m not that bad."

Shoko raised an eyebrow but didn’t argue the point. Instead, she leaned back and let out a soft sigh, enjoying the rare moment of levity. "Uh-huh, keep telling yourself that."

Suguru, however, wasn’t quite done. "You shouldn’t pry into their life, Satoru. That’s their business, not ours."

Satoru crossed his arms, his curiosity still burning brightly in his eyes. "But they never talk about anything! Don't you want to know more about them?"

Shoko nodded in agreement with Suguru. "I do, but it’s not our place to dig into their past. If they want to share something, they will. Until then, we respect their privacy."

Satoru sighed, his excitement dimming slightly. He knew they were right, but it didn’t make it any easier. There was something about the mystery that you carried with you that kept pulling him in, a puzzle that he was desperate to solve.

"Fine." he conceded, plopping down on the couch next to Shoko. "But it doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep wondering."

Suguru chuckled, shaking his head. "Knowing you, that’s as close to restraint as we’re going to get."

Shoko smirked and gave Satoru a light tap on the head. "Just don’t let it consume you, alright?"

Satoru grinned, though the curiosity still lingered in his expression. "No promises.”

Satoru leaned back on the couch, trying to shake off his curiosity about you, but it was harder than he expected. His mind kept wandering back to the mystery that was his strong, dependable senpai. Despite the warnings from Suguru and Shoko, he couldn't help himself.

"Come on, Suguru, don’t you wonder about anything? Like, what type of women they’re into?" Satoru suddenly asked, unable to keep the question to himself any longer.

Suguru rolled his eyes, clearly not interested in entertaining Satoru’s curiosity any further. He has had enough for a whole day already. He sighed. "Satoru, seriously? I thought you put it to rest already!”

“But I wanna know more about them. What’s their favorite mochi? Do they like coffee? What’s their favorite cafe? Do they like idols? What’s their type—”

“Satoru, stop—Ah, my ear! That was so loud!”

“Suguboo!” The blue eyed sorcerer cried as he leaned against Suguru’s shoulder as Suguru groaned with exasperation, trying to get Satoru off him.

But Shoko, who had been lazily biting the lollipop in her mouth, suddenly perked up at the sight.  A mischievous glint appeared in her eyes as she pulled out her flip phone, her fingers typing away with practiced ease. 

Satoru noticed and immediately scooted closer. "Wait, Shoko, what are you doing? Do you know something? Don’t tell me you have senpai’s number. Are you texting them? Tell me! I’m dying here!"

Shoko grinned, enjoying the moment as she finished typing. She flipped the phone around, showing Satoru the screen.

His cerulean. eyes zeroed in on the contact name: Utahime–senpai. Then, underneath, a simple message: Eh? Hm…..Yuki–senpai asked them one time, and Yuki-senpai said that they answered Norika Fujiwara—that’s our senpai’s type, which bummed Yuki-senpai. She's not senpai's type.’

"Yuki-senpai, the special grade abroad?"

"I guess so." Shoko retorted back to Suguru. "Apparently she and our senpai's close."

"Hm, that makes sense." Suguru nodded back at his friend. "Huh, I never expected that senpai would be into women. Good for them."

"Right?" Shoko grinned back at the long haired sorcerer. "Women are the best!"

For a moment, Satoru just stared, processing the information. "Wait, Norika Fujiwara? That’s…" 

"Yup." Shoko said, her grin widening as she leaned back, clearly amused by his reaction.

Satoru’s eyes widened as it finally hit him. "Our senpai… is into women?"

Shoko chuckled as Suguru shot her a mildly disapproving look, but even he couldn't suppress a small smile.  "You know, this makes sense now. Kyoto High has K-1 events on their TV. And Norika Fujiwara's on the programs sometimes."

"Heh, you're right!" Shoko grins at her friend. "I wonder if they only watch for Noriko Fujiwara."

"I don't think our Senpai's that shallow, Shoko."

"Well anyway, you did say you wanted to know more about them." Shoko said, putting her phone away. She raised her thumb up for Satoru. “Now you do!”

Satoru was stunned. He had always respected you as a powerful and composed figure, but somehow this revelation made you even more intriguing in his eyes. "Wow… just when I thought I couldn’t admire them more. They're becoming cooler by the day. You guys don't understand!"

Suguru sighed, shaking his head at the whole exchange. "Satoru, you really are something else."

"Hey, I’m just appreciating my senpai!" Satoru shot back, but his tone was lighter now, a mix of surprise and admiration in his voice.

Shoko smirked, clearly pleased with herself. "Well, now you know. Just don’t let it go to your head."

Satoru nodded, but it was clear from his expression that this little tidbit of knowledge had only deepened the enigma that you were to him. Because he couldn't help it, when it came to you. He couldn't help but want to know more.

He stood up, trying to open his canned soda and sighed. He thinks he feels faint. But maybe, just maybe, its the weather. He feels unwell, somhow. Gojo Satoru sighed. He should sleep more.

THE AUTUMN LEAVES MARKED YOUR ARRIVAL. The next few days saw you at Jujutsu High, filing a report about a recent mission in the Tokyo Metropolitan Area. The mission had gone smoothly, but there was something about the activity at a nearby temple that piqued your interest, so you planned to stay on campus all day before heading out to investigate.

Satoru had been unusually quiet since your arrival. He watched you from a distance, his usual playful banter replaced by a thoughtful silence. He still hadn’t figured out how to bring up what he’d learned about you—how could he, when the revelation had left him so distracted?

By the time you suggested sparring, hoping to shake off the tension in the air, Satoru seemed eager to agree. The two of you moved through the training area, exchanging blows with a familiarity that spoke of years of experience. But something was off. Satoru wasn’t as sharp as usual; his mind was clearly elsewhere.

You took advantage of the momentary lapse in his concentration. In a quick, fluid motion, you downed him, pinning him to the ground with a sigh. He groaned, feeling the ground and gravel against his face.

"You’re stupid to let me have a shot at downing you, Gojo-kun." you muttered, shaking your head. “That was a rookie mistake.”

Satoru blinked up at you, startled by your words, before realizing his mistake. He had let his guard down completely. He sighed, a rare admission of fault slipping past his lips. "Yeah, sorry. I’m just… distracted."

You raised an eyebrow, still holding him in place. "Distracted? What's going on, Gojo-kun? Is it about a mission or something to do with the jujutsu you’re working on?"

He hesitated, trying to find the right words. It wasn’t like him to be at a loss, but this was different. His thoughts were clouded by what he had discovered, and now, faced with you directly, he wasn’t sure how to bring it up. Finally, he decided to dodge, just a little. 

"It’s nothing serious. Just something on my mind that I can’t quite shake."

You narrowed your eyes, clearly not convinced but deciding to let it slide for the moment. You released him, standing up and offering a hand to help him up. "Well, whatever it is, don’t let it cloud your judgment. You can’t afford to be distracted out there."

Satoru took your hand and stood up, brushing the dust off his clothes. He nodded, a small smile forming on his lips. "Yeah, I know. Thanks, senpai."

You studied him for a moment longer, clearly aware that something was off but choosing not to press further. "Just remember, Gojo-kun—whatever it is, you can talk to me. I’m here if you need anything."

He nodded again, appreciating your offer but still unsure how to approach the topic of what he’d learned. "I’ll keep that in mind."

With that, the two of you continued your sparring session, but Satoru's thoughts remained tangled. The revelation had stirred something in him, and he knew he couldn’t keep it to himself forever. But for now, he would focus on the task at hand, trying to push the distraction aside until he could find the right moment—and the right words—to bring it up with you.

You cracked open your canned soda, the familiar hiss of carbonation filling the quiet evening air. Taking a sip, you glanced at Satoru, who was fiddling with his own sweet drink, clearly still wrestling with his thoughts. You couldn’t help but smile, the tension between you now a thing of the past.

“Senpai, can I ask you something?”

“Ask away.”

“.........What’s your type?”

You blinked, your eyes darting to him. The rustle of leaves against the wind was loud. “What?”

“I….I liked that photo of Waka Inoue, but it’s nothing much, really. Pretty face, pretty lady. But I have to say, Shoko said its icky cause it’s creepy that Waka Inoue looks like her but—”

You start to laugh. “Gojo, you are something, aren’t you?”

He blushes, almost embarrassed as you shake your head at him. “......Is it bad?”

“Hm, not at all.” You snickered at him. “You’re just curious. But I now have a question!”

“Y–yes, senpai?”

“Was it Mei–Mei or Utahime?”

“!?” His face was priceless. It was as though he was a child who had just been caught stealing cookies during the night in the kitchen.

"Ah, Shoko must have asked Utahime." you began, the amusement evident in your voice, "Man, that girl has a big fat crush on Shoko, doesn’t she? She just gave up easily. At least with Mei–Mei, it will be a good five million yen.”

Satoru didn’t respond immediately, focusing instead on opening his drink. His silence spoke volumes, and you chuckled once more with a softer essence, shaking your head. 

“Well, it’s not like I’m hiding anything.” You tout, sighing as you look at him. “But I guess that I’m not as obvious as they come, I suppose.”

Taking another sip, you continued, "I do like Fujiwara Norika. She’s my type of woman. Looking back at it now, she reminds me of someone I dated once. And I think that makes Yuki-chan feel like she has to dye her hair brown now."

Satoru froze mid-sip, and the next thing you knew, he was sputtering, spitting out his drink in surprise. "You… you dated before?" he blurted out, his eyes wide with shock. "Do...do I know them?"

You couldn’t help but laugh at his reaction. "Why wouldn’t I? I’m older than you by a couple of years, you know? And it wasn’t really a secret....Hm.....Would you know? I don't think you liked anyone else from the other clans. But I guess in a way, it doesn't matter, you know?”

Satoru stared at you, still processing what you had said, but then he noticed the brief flicker of sadness that crossed your face, even when you try to laugh it off. It was subtle, barely there, but for someone as perceptive as Satoru, it was impossible to miss. His usual playful demeanor softened, and he watched you carefully, sensing that there was more to the story.

You sighed, looking out at the horizon, your voice quieter now. "I loved someone a long time ago, Gojo. And it broke my heart when she left. But that’s over now.”

The weight of your words hung in the air between you, and for once, Satoru didn’t know what to say. He could see the pain in your eyes, a pain that was buried deep but still lingered, like an old wound that hadn’t quite healed.

"But, Gojo-kun....you know…." you continued, your voice growing steadier, "I didn’t love her because she was a woman. Or that she looked like Fujiwara Noriko. Even if that's what others believed. I loved her because she brought me to life."

Satoru was silent, absorbing what you had just shared. He could see now that your quiet strength, the way you carried yourself, had been shaped by experiences that ran deep—experiences that he had never even guessed at.

You turned to him with a genuine smile. "People like us have the rarity of that, don't you think? Not has the shot to be brought to life by love." 

For a moment, the two of you stood there, the setting sun casting long shadows around you. Satoru finally broke the silence, his voice uncharacteristically soft. "I’m sorry, senpai. I didn’t mean to bring up something painful."

You shook your head, offering him a reassuring smile. "It’s alright, Gojo-kun. You didn't upset me at all. It’s part of life, part of who I am. And you asked properly. It was right to be honest. Besides, what makes us human if we don't carry our own stories with us, don’t we?"

Satoru nodded slowly, feeling a new sense of respect for you. He had always admired your strength, but now he understood that it wasn’t just about power or skill. It was also about the resilience you had built through the pain of loss, through the love that had once lifted you and then left you heartbroken.

"Thanks for telling me, senpai." he finally said, his usual bravado tempered by genuine gratitude.

You nodded, appreciating his sincerity. "Just remember, Gojo-kun. Your curiosity isn’t a bad thing. But some things take time to understand. Don’t be in such a hurry to know everything all at once. Even about me. Just….just enjoy things little by little.”

He smiled, a small, thoughtful smile that showed he was taking your words to heart. "I’ll try to remember that."

You leaned closer to him and let your palm pat his head. He gasped, looking up to you as he nearly dropped his soda. You laugh. “Aren’t you my cute, curious and dependable kouhai, Gojo Satoru!”

Gojo Satoru felt his ears turn red as much as his body. He lowered his head, enjoying your touch on his hair. Gentle and yet tenderly comforting all at once. He wished you didn’t have this much of an effect on him. But he supposed that he knew that he’s not good like that when it comes to you. 

With that, the two of you stood in comfortable silence, sipping your drinks as the last rays of the sun dipped below the horizon, leaving the world bathed in twilight. It was a rare, quiet moment between two powerful sorcerers, a moment where the weight of your shared experiences brought you closer together, not just as comrades, but as individuals who had lived, loved, and lost in the ever-unforgiving world of jujutsu.

January 2006

IT’S HARD TO BELIEVE ITS NEW YEAR AGAIN.The cold Kyoto air was crisp as Satoru, Suguru, Shoko, Nanami, and Haibara made their way up the steps to your family’s ancestral Mikoto temple in the heart of Kyoto. The New Year had come fast approaching, and while you had insisted they didn’t need to make the trip all the way to Kyoto just for you, Gojo Satoru had been adamant to see you. As he always was. He was just that sort of young man.

Satoru's enthusiasm for joining you at the temple for New Year's was palpable, his childlike pout accentuating just how much he wanted to be there. Despite your logical protests about the cold and the crowd, Satoru seemed undeterred, his energy almost infectious.

“It’ll be too crowded, Gojo-kun.” you said with a raised brow, trying to keep a firm stance on your decision. “And not to mention too cold. Just stay in Tokyo.”

But Satoru wasn't one to give up easily, especially not when it came to spending time with you. He pouted, his lower lip jutting out in a way that made you sigh in exasperation. “Ehhhhhh, I don’t want to.” His voice was a playful whine. “Come on, senpai! Me being there would make it all fun.”

Suguru, always the calm voice of reason, chimed in from beside him, hands casually tucked into his pockets. “We’re going to be there too, Satoru.” he pointed out, his tone laced with subtle amusement. “Are we just chopped liver to you?”

Shoko, ever the instigator, snickered at the exchange. “When it comes to our senpai, that big baby is going to be thinking about him.”

Satoru’s indignant protest was immediate. “Hey, I’m not a big baby!”

Before you could respond, Haibara’s grin lit up the conversation. “I’ll go too! I think it would be fun to see how Bishamon temples do festivals.”

Nanami, however, wasn’t as enthusiastic. “I don’t.” he mumbled under his breath, pushing his hair out of his face with a resigned air. “It would be too cold. And I don’t wanna get a cold.”

"Hey! You'll offend senpai like that!" Haibara pouted at Kento.

Nanami Kento turned to you with a blank face. "Does it offend you, senpai?"

"Not at all." You grinned at him.

"See, they don't mind."

"Huh!? But I do!" Gojo Satoru retorted back. "You're going, Nanami!"

"I don't wanna."

"No, you're going!"

"Satoru, don't be so loud."

"But Suguboo!"

"I can't believe I'm stuck with all of you." Shoko huffed, cigarette smooke coming out of her mouth.

Despite your earlier reservations, you couldn’t help but feel a warmth spread through you at the thought of all of them wanting to be with you for the New Year. It was going to be a lively celebration, that much was certain. Even after many times you’ve told them to not go, they still told you they were going. And sure enough, it was too cold all the way around. 

Nanami sighed, adjusting the scarf around his neck as they neared the temple gates. "This is ridiculous. We could have celebrated in Tokyo."

Haibara, ever the optimist, smiled brightly at his friend. "Don’t worry, Nanami. I’m sure everything will be well. It’s New Year’s day, after all. We should be celebrating together."

As they reached the top of the steps, they were greeted by the sight of Kusakabe and Utahime already there, standing near the entrance of the temple. Iori Utahime was wrapped in a thick coat, her breath visible in the chilly air. Beside her, Kusakabe Atsuya was typing away on his flip phone. When Utahime spotted Satoru, her expression immediately shifted to one of irritation.

"Why are you here, Gojo?" she asked, her voice carrying a mix of suspicion and annoyance.

Satoru grinned at her, his usual carefree attitude on full display. "Because I’m your favorite kouhai, of course!" he replied, his tone teasing as ever. “Aren’t you happy? To be graced by my presence, Utahime?”

Utahime’s eye twitched in irritation, and she started towards him, clearly ready to give him a piece of her mind. But before she could get too close, Kusakabe quickly stepped in, gently pulling her back. Everyone was looking at them but none of that mattered to Gojo Satoru who continued to grin at his elder.

"Utahime, let it go. It’s New Year’s day!" he urged, trying to keep the peace. “Senpai’s also here, we can’t cause headaches for them!”

"But he—!" Utahime began, only to be cut off by Kusakabe, who was already steering her towards the temple entrance, hoping to diffuse the situation.

Satoru just chuckled, clearly enjoying the reaction he’d gotten out of her. "She’s so easy to rile up." he said to Suguru, who merely shook his head with a smirk.

Shoko, who had been watching the exchange with a bemused expression, nudged Satoru. "Maybe try not to annoy everyone before the night even begins." she suggested, though there was little bite to her words. “Utahime, don’t mind him.”

"Where’s the fun in that?" Satoru quipped, but he did ease off, his attention shifting to the temple grounds. He leaned towards Shoko. “Heh, love sick.”

Shoko slapped his arm. He flinched and groaned in pain. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

You emerged from the temple just as they were finishing up their banter, surprised to see so many familiar faces. "I thought I told you guys not to bother coming all the way out here." you said, though there was no mistaking the warmth in your tone. It was clear you were happy to see them, despite your earlier protests. “It’s very busy here, I didn’t want you guys to suffer waiting.”

Satoru stepped forward, handing you a small package wrapped in festive paper. "No way we were letting you celebrate alone, senpai! Besides, it wouldn’t be a proper New Year without you. Or me. Together.”

“Heh, love sick.” Suguru snickered lowly.

“Shut up!” Satoru slapped his arm. 

You accepted the gift with a smile, though your gaze softened at the sight of them all gathered together. "I appreciate it. Truly.”

Nanami, still grumbling under his breath, finally spoke up. "Next year, we’re doing this in Tokyo."

Haibara laughed, patting Nanami on the back. "We’ll see about that, Nanami. For now, let’s just enjoy the night."

As the group made their way inside, the temple's warm glow and the smell of incense welcomed them. The sounds of laughter and conversation filled the air as they prepared to ring in the New Year together. Despite the long journey and the cold, it was clear that none of them would have wanted to be anywhere else.

You ushered everyone inside the temple, the warmth from the lit braziers immediately driving away the chill of the winter night. The monks at the temple were handing out hot drinks to keep warm. Nanami took two, as the others enjoyed one. Satoru thinks that it was sweet plum tea, but it’s not sweet enough for him.

The temple’s interior was adorned with traditional New Year’s decorations—pine branches, plum blossoms, and bamboo, all carefully arranged to welcome the coming year.  Gojo Satoru was often here as a child, being a descendant of Hiromi.

He can pinpoint the places he had studied with his Mikoto teachers. But he has never seen it in this way, with all its vibrant decorations. He supposed that he was always celebrating New Years at those boring clan parties. 

The air was thick with the fragrant scent of incense, and the sound of gentle chanting echoed softly through the corridors. The bells rang as people prayed in front of the statue of Bishamon. The line was the longest he had ever seen, probably longer than when he buys new Digimon merchandise. But he supposed that it would be the case. The Hiromi Shrine was the most popular of the Bishamon worship shrines in Kyoto, especially because of the performances.

"Make yourselves comfortable." you told them with a smile. "I’ll be back soon. I have to prepare for the dance offering to Bishamon. It’s a tradition I have to lead."

“Heh, you dance, senpai?” Shoko questioned, drinking her plum tea. “Just like Utahime.”

You smiled back at her. “Hm. I’m a priestess in Mikoto shrines also. Bishamon likes being praised, after all. So, it is part of our duty.”

“Your dancing has always been immaculate, senpai.” Utahime cheered as she looked towards you. “Graceful as always.”

“Does this mean you know this?” Suguru turned to Satoru with a curious face. “You have common ancestry with that, don’t you?”

“I was taught, but I wasn’t allowed to perform it.” Satoru retorted back, fixing his glasses. “I’m still a Gojo, you know?”

“I’ll be going now.” You tell them, fixing the pleats on your haori. “I still have to change clothing.”

“Good luck, senpai!” Haibara says, clapping his hands. Nanami mumbled the same but in a lower tone.

You giggled. “You have my thanks. Enjoy the show, okay?”

The group nodded in silent agreement, their eyes following your form as you disappeared deeper into the temple. The faint sound of your footsteps echoed briefly before being swallowed by the hushed serenity of the sacred space. As the heavy wooden doors closed behind you, a soft thud resonated through the air, leaving them standing in the warm, golden glow of the temple's main hall.

The ancient architecture loomed around them, exuding an aura of timelessness and reverence. Flickering candles cast gentle, dancing shadows across the polished floors, while the subtle scent of incense hung in the air, intertwining with the soft murmur of distant prayers. It was a place where the divine felt near, a sanctuary where the world outside seemed to fade away, leaving only the sacred atmosphere to envelop them.

Each of them felt the weight of the temple’s history, the centuries of devotion embedded in its very walls. Here, in this tranquil space, they were reminded of the depth of their connection to you, and the unspoken bond that drew them all together, even in the quietest of moments.

Satoru leaned against a pillar, his eyes following the path you had taken. "This is a big deal." he said, breaking the silence. "The dance offered to Bishamon isn’t just for show. It’s a prayer for protection, strength, and victory in the coming year. As descendants of the Hiromi clan, it has to be taken with care and concentration.”

Shoko, intrigued, glanced at him. "So you know all about this, then? In great detail."

Satoru shrugged, a hint of pride in his voice. "Yeah, I’ve seen it done before, in the Mikoto household. But senpai… they’ve always taken it to another level. They’re the real deal when it comes to this tradition."

Suguru nodded thoughtfully, glancing around at the intricate decorations. "It’s rare to see someone so deeply connected to their heritage like this. It’s impressive."

Nanami, still somewhat grumpy from the trip, nevertheless looked interested. "It must be a lot of pressure, carrying on such an important tradition."

"It is. She’s the only third one to hold Hiromi’s cursed technique. So she’s held in high regard." Satoru agreed, his gaze still fixed on the doors you had disappeared through. "But senpai handles it like it’s nothing. That’s just how they are."

As they talked, the soft sounds of preparations being made drifted through the temple. The atmosphere grew more reverent, the chatter fading into a respectful silence as they waited for the ceremony to begin.

When the doors finally opened again, they all turned to look. You emerged, dressed in the finest Heian-era clothing, each layer of silk and brocade meticulously arranged. The colors were vibrant, yet harmonious, a testament to the skill and care that had gone into the ensemble. Your hair was styled in the traditional manner, adorned with delicate ornaments that caught the light as you moved.

The group fell silent, their eyes drawn to you as you approached the altar. Gojo Satoru felt his breath catch in his throat, completely awe-struck. He had seen you in combat, had witnessed your strength and skill countless times, but this was different. This was a side of you he had never truly seen before—regal, composed, every movement filled with grace and purpose.

As you took your place before the altar, the room seemed to hold its breath. The flickering candlelight reflected off the golden statue of Bishamon, the god of war and warriors, who stood as the protector of the temple. You began to dance, your movements slow and deliberate, each gesture a prayer offered up to the deity.

The bells chimed softly in time with your steps, the melody hauntingly beautiful. The sleeves of your kimono floated gracefully through the air, and the rhythm of your movements told a story of reverence, dedication, and unbroken tradition. Every step, every turn, was imbued with a power that transcended the physical, connecting the past with the present, the divine with the mortal.

Satoru was mesmerized, his usual playful demeanor replaced with an expression of deep respect and admiration. He had always known you were special, but seeing you like this—fully embracing your role as a descendant of the Hiromi clan, leading this sacred ritual with such grace and authority—was something he hadn’t anticipated.

As the dance continued, the room seemed to glow with a warmth that went beyond the physical. It was as if the very spirit of the temple had come alive, watching over the ritual with benevolent eyes. The other sorcerers watched in respectful silence, each of them feeling the weight of the moment, understanding that they were witnessing something truly sacred.

When the dance finally came to an end, you stood before the altar, hands folded in a final gesture of prayer. The room was silent, the only sound was the soft crackling of the braziers. Then, slowly, you turned to face your audience, your expression calm and serene.

The group remained silent, each of them still processing what they had just witnessed. Satoru, however, couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at the corner of his lips. He had always known you were extraordinary, but tonight, that belief had been solidified in a way he hadn’t expected.

As you stepped down from the altar, Satoru caught your eye, and for a brief moment, there was an understanding between you—something that didn’t need to be spoken. It was in the quiet awe in his gaze, in the way he nodded slightly, acknowledging what you had just done.

"That was… amazing." Shoko finally said, breaking the silence, her voice filled with genuine admiration.

“Right?” Utahime grinned from ear to ear. “Senpai’s been practicing this for months!”

“I always wondered how they have the time to do all this.” Kusakabe whispered under his breath. “That was just….amazing.”

Suguru nodded in agreement, a rare look of respect on his usually calm face. "Yeah. Truly."

Nanami, who had been skeptical about the whole thing, couldn’t help but nod as well. "I can see why this tradition is so important."

Haibara, always the optimist, beamed at you. "You were incredible, senpai!"

You smiled softly, bowing your head in thanks. "Thank you. I’m glad you could all be here to witness it. It means a lot to me."

As the night continued, the group moved on to the other festivities, but Satoru remained quiet, still caught up in the image of you dancing under the temple’s sacred light. He knew he would never forget this New Year, nor the way you had shown them all the true depth of your heritage and strength.

As the night wore on, the temple grounds gradually filled with the sounds of celebration. The solemnity of the ritual had given way to a more festive atmosphere, with laughter and chatter echoing off the ancient stone walls. The group of sorcerers mingled, sharing stories and enjoying the warmth of the small fires that had been lit to stave off the winter chill.

Satoru, however, found himself oddly quiet amidst the festivities. He stood a little apart from the others, his gaze often drifting back to where you were, speaking with Utahime and Kusakabe near the shrine. The image of you during the dance was still fresh in his mind, replaying over and over again like a scene from a film.

He had always admired you—respected you, even. You were his dependable senpai, someone who had taught him much, someone who had always been there. But tonight, something had shifted.

The way you had moved, the way you had commanded the space during the ritual, had revealed a side of you that he hadn’t fully grasped before. It wasn’t just about strength or skill. It was about who you were at your core—a person deeply connected to your heritage, someone who carried the weight of tradition with grace and dignity.

As he watched you now, a realization began to creep up on him, one that he hadn’t seen coming. It wasn’t just admiration he felt. There was something more—something deeper that made his heart beat a little faster, made him more aware of your every movement, every word. 

It hit him all at once, like a sudden gust of wind that took his breath away. Satoru Gojo, the strongest sorcerer, the one who was always so sure of himself, found himself completely and utterly disarmed by this newfound awareness.

He liked you. A lot. More than he hoped.

The thought was startling, and for a moment, he didn’t know what to do with it. Love wasn’t something he had ever given much thought to—his life was too chaotic, too filled with danger and responsibility. But standing here, watching you laugh with the others, he couldn’t deny it. It was there, unmistakable and undeniable, a feeling that had been building without him even realizing it.

Shoko noticed his distant expression and wandered over, nudging him with her elbow. "You’ve been quiet. What’s going on in that head of yours?"

Satoru blinked, pulling himself out of his thoughts. He glanced at Shoko, then back at you, still trying to process what he had just figured out. "Just… thinking." he said, his voice a little softer than usual.

Shoko raised an eyebrow, her curiosity piqued. "That’s a first. What about?"

He hesitated for a moment, then gave a small, almost sheepish smile. "Senpai."

Shoko followed his gaze and immediately understood. Her usual smirk softened into something more genuine. "You’ve got it bad, huh?"

Satoru sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Yeah… I think I do."

Shoko didn’t tease him this time. Instead, she nodded thoughtfully, her gaze lingering on you. "You know, it’s not surprising. They’re… special."

"Yeah." Satoru agreed quietly, his eyes never leaving you. "They really are."

The two of them stood there in silence for a moment, each lost in their own thoughts. Satoru felt a strange mix of emotions—excitement, anxiety, and something he wasn’t quite sure how to name. Love was a powerful thing, and for someone like him, it was both thrilling and terrifying.

But as he watched you smile, saw the way you interacted with the people around you, he knew one thing for certain: whatever came next, whatever he had to face because of this realization, he was ready for it. Because this feeling, this love—he knew it was worth it.

"Guess I’ve got some things to figure out," he muttered, more to himself than to Shoko.

She chuckled softly. "You’ll manage. You always do."

Satoru smiled, feeling a little more grounded. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do about this newfound love, but for now, just knowing it, acknowledging it, was enough. The night was still young, and there was time—time to enjoy this moment, time to figure out what to do next.

As the celebration continued, he allowed himself to relax, to savor the warmth of the fire and the sound of your laughter. There was no rush. For the first time in a long while, Satoru Gojo was content to just be—content to stand by, to watch, and to let his heart lead him wherever it wanted to go.

February 2010

HE HAD NEVER EXPECTED THIS OUT OF HIS LIFE. In the first months after your marriage, Gojo Satoru found himself grappling with a whirlwind of emotions he hadn’t fully anticipated. Marriage, to him, had always been an abstract concept—something distant and almost inconceivable.

After all, he was Satoru Gojo, the strongest sorcerer alive, someone who walked a path few could follow, always teetering on the edge of danger. He had grown accustomed to a life where attachments were fleeting, where relationships were superficial at best, and where he never had to worry about being tied down by anything or anyone.

But now, everything had changed. With a simple gold band on his finger, a tangible symbol of a bond he never thought he’d have, Satoru realized he was in completely unfamiliar territory. The weight of that ring was more than just the metal—it was the responsibility, the commitment, and the vulnerability that came with it.

In those early days, he found himself waking up in the middle of the night, his hand subconsciously reaching out to make sure you were still there, a silent reassurance that this wasn’t just a dream. He’d never been one to fear anything, but the thought of losing you, of this newfound connection slipping through his fingers, sent a chill down his spine. It was a feeling he didn’t quite know how to process—a mixture of fear and protectiveness, of love and uncertainty.

Satoru had always prided himself on being in control, of being able to predict and outmaneuver any threat. But this—this was different. Loving you, being married to you, was something he couldn’t strategize his way through. There were no enemies to defeat, no curses to exorcize, just the simple, profound reality of sharing his life with someone else. And that terrified him more than he cared to admit.

He’d catch himself watching you when you weren’t looking, his gaze softening in a way that was so unlike the confident, cocky sorcerer everyone knew. He marveled at how easily you fit into his life, how you managed to break through the walls he had built up over the years. The way you understood him, the way you didn’t flinch in the face of his power or his occasional bouts of arrogance—it was as if you had always been meant to be there, by his side, grounding him in a way nothing else ever had.

But with that grounding came a vulnerability that Satoru wasn’t used to. He was no longer just the strongest sorcerer—he was your husband, a role that demanded a different kind of strength, one that he was still learning to wield. The idea of being responsible for someone else’s happiness, of being someone you could rely on, made him question everything he thought he knew about himself. Could he really be the partner you deserved? Could he protect you not just from the dangers of the world, but from his own flaws and insecurities?

These questions haunted him in the quiet moments, when the world slowed down and it was just the two of you. He was used to facing challenges head-on, but this was different. This was about being present, being open, being honest—things that didn’t come naturally to him. And yet, despite the doubts and the fears, there was something about being with you that made him want to try, to be better, to grow into the role he never thought he’d take on.

As the months passed, Satoru began to understand that marriage wasn’t about being perfect, or about having all the answers. It was about the journey you were both on, together, learning and growing with each step.

He realized that it was okay to be unsure, to be afraid, as long as he was willing to face those fears with you by his side. And slowly, he started to let go of the idea that he had to be invincible, that he had to carry the weight of the world on his own. Because now, he had you, and that was a strength unlike anything he had ever known.

He’d never been one to doubt himself, but when it came to you, things were different. There were moments when he would catch himself overthinking, a rarity for him. Did you really want to be married to him, or had circumstances forced your hand? The thought gnawed at him more often than he’d like to admit.

After all, your relationship hadn’t exactly been conventional. You had always been enigmatic, revealing only pieces of yourself when asked, keeping much of your life private. Even when Satoru confessed his feelings, he wasn’t entirely sure how you felt. You accepted his proposal, but he couldn’t shake the lingering suspicion that you might have done so out of obligation or to avoid being entangled with the Zen’in clan—a fate worse than anything he could imagine for you.

There were nights when he would lie awake, staring at the ceiling of your shared room, trying to figure out how to navigate this new reality. He loved you—he knew that much. But he was terrified that maybe, just maybe, you didn’t feel the same. Maybe you had simply chosen the lesser of two evils, and he was the one left trying to make sense of it all.

Satoru wasn’t used to feeling insecure. He was used to being in control, always confident in his abilities and decisions. But with you, everything was different. You were his equal in so many ways—strong, intelligent, capable—but you were also someone he couldn’t quite read, someone who could keep secrets even from him.

One evening, as you both sat in the quiet of your home, Satoru couldn’t keep it in any longer. You were sipping tea, looking as serene as ever, while he fidgeted with his hands, uncharacteristically restless.

“Can I ask you something?” he began, his voice quieter than usual.

You looked up at him, sensing the shift in his tone. “Of course.”

He hesitated, unsure of how to phrase what he wanted to ask. “When we got married… Did you… I mean, did you want to?”

You raised an eyebrow, clearly surprised by the question. “What do you mean?”

He sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration. “I just—sometimes I wonder if you did it because you really wanted to or because it was… the better option. Better than being forced into something with the Zen'in clan.”

You set your tea down, regarding him carefully. For a moment, the room was silent, the weight of his question hanging in the air. Then, you reached out, taking his hand in yours.

“Satoru…..” you began, your voice steady, “I won’t lie to you. I didn’t have the kind of love story that most people dream of. My life was never about fairy tales or perfect endings. And yes, part of me did see our marriage as a way to avoid a fate I didn’t want.” You squeezed his hand, your gaze never leaving his. “But that’s not the only reason I said yes.”

His breath caught as he listened, his eyes searching yours for any sign of insincerity. “Then what made you say yes, to me being your husband?”

“I said yes because I trust you.” you continued, your voice soft but firm. “I trust you in ways I’ve never trusted anyone before. And… I wanted to see where that could lead. I may not have been in love with you when we first got married, but I knew there was potential for something real between us. Something worth exploring.”

Satoru’s heart swelled at your words, but there was still a part of him that needed to know more. “And now?” he asked quietly. “How do you feel now?”

You smiled, a genuine, warm smile that reached your eyes. “Now? I don’t regret it for a second. You’ve become someone I care about deeply, someone I respect and… yes, someone I can truly….deeply love.”

The relief that washed over Satoru was almost overwhelming. He hadn’t realized just how much he had to hear those words until you spoke them. He knew that maybe you felt them, maybe you shared his feelings, his understanding. But to hear them? That’s a whole different thing. He let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, his usual confidence beginning to return.

“Good….good.” he murmured, pulling you into his arms, holding you close. “Because I really, really care deeply for you, and maybe one day…..I wasn’t sure what I’d do if you didn’t feel the same.”

You chuckled softly, resting your head against his chest. “I guess we’re both learning how to navigate this together, aren’t we?”

“Yeah.” he agreed, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. “But I think we’ll figure it out. After all, we’re together. We can handle anything.”

And in that moment, with you in his arms, Satoru knew that whatever challenges lay ahead, he was ready to face them. Because he wasn’t alone—he had you, and that was more than enough.

epilogue

March 2015

It was one of those rare, peaceful afternoons when everything seemed to align perfectly. The sun was shining, a gentle breeze was blowing, and the Gojo household was uncharacteristically quiet. Well, almost quiet. 

Satoru Gojo, the ever-proud husband and now father, was lounging on the couch with a smirk that could light up a room. In front of him stood Megumi and Tsumiki, both of them sporting expressions of mild confusion and curiosity.

Satoru had been waiting for this moment—when the kids would finally ask about the somewhat mysterious nature of his marriage to you. And now, with Satoshi—a tiny bundle of energy strapped to Satoru’s chest in a baby carrier—he was more than ready to provide an answer.

“So, how did you and Gen–san end up married?” Tsumiki asked, her tone innocent but her eyes sharp, clearly expecting an interesting story.

Megumi, ever the skeptic, folded his arms and raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, it doesn’t really make sense. You’re you… and they’re… well, them.”

Satoru grinned, patting Satoshi’s back gently as the baby cooed happily in the carrier. “Why, that’s easy! It’s because they love me!” 

The room went silent for a moment as Megumi and Tsumiki processed Satoru’s answer. The stillness hung in the air, almost as if time itself had paused. Then, Megumi rolled his eyes in that exasperated way he often did, clearly unimpressed by whatever explanation Satoru had given this time. Tsumiki, on the other hand, couldn’t help but giggle, her laughter light and infectious, breaking the tension with ease.

Little Satoshi, cradled comfortably against Satoru’s chest, joined in with his own soft laughter, the sound a mix of pure joy and innocence. His tiny hands clutched at Satoru’s shirt, his laughter causing his small body to wiggle slightly in his father’s arms.

Satoru blinked, momentarily caught off guard by the chorus of reactions around him. For a brief second, he looked almost confused, as if he hadn’t quite expected that response. But then, a smile tugged at the corners of his lips, softening his usual cocky expression. In that moment, surrounded by the ones he loved, Satoru felt a warmth in his chest that made everything else seem distant and unimportant.

“That can’t be the whole story.” Megumi muttered, clearly unimpressed with Satoru’s self-satisfied grin. “I won’t believe Gen–san falling in love with you like that.”

Tsumiki leaned forward, her curiosity piqued. “Come on, Satoru–san, there has to be more to it than that.”

Satoru chuckled, his trademark grin still plastered on his face. “Well, if you must know, it all started with my irresistible charm. I mean, who wouldn’t fall in love with this face?” He pointed to himself, looking ridiculously smug.

Satoshi, catching on to his father’s infectious good mood, giggled and clapped his tiny hands, making the whole scenSatoshi, catching on to his father’s infectious good mood, giggled and clapped his tiny hands with pure delight. The sound of his laughter, so innocent and full of life, echoed through the room, adding to the already absurd scene. His bright eyes sparkled as he looked up at Satoru, clearly enjoying the attention and the light-hearted atmosphere.

Satoru’s smile grew wider as he watched his son, the absurdity of the moment not lost on him. The combination of Megumi’s eye roll, Tsumiki’s giggles, and Satoshi’s adorable antics made the whole situation feel almost surreal—like a snapshot of a life he had never imagined for himself, yet couldn’t imagine living without now.e even more absurd. Life was great, he thinks. No matter what happened before.

Megumi groaned, rubbing his temples as if dealing with Satoru was giving him a headache. “You’re impossible.”

“Thank you!” Satoru responded cheerfully, clearly missing—or ignoring—the point.

Tsumiki, always the more patient of the two, tried again. “But really, what made you two decide to get married? Was it some big romantic gesture?”

Satoru paused, his grin softening as he thought back to the moments leading up to your marriage. “It wasn’t really like that,’miki.” he said, his tone more genuine now. “It was more… complicated. But in the end, we realized we wanted to be together. And so we made it happen.”

Megumi and Tsumiki exchanged a look, sensing there was more to the story than Satoru was letting on. That doesn’t seem to be how you told the story. You were more straightforward than your husband, but Satoru got the complicated right. Nothing about the story was ever simple. But now that you are here, nearly five years later. What is complicated to a whole lifetime of happiness?

“And then they fell head over heels in love with me!” Satoru added quickly, not wanting to lose the lightheartedness of the moment. “Then bam! You guys came into our lives and made more love grow! Like kabam!”

Tsumiki laughed again, shaking her head. “You’re such a goof, Satoru-san.”

“Maybe I am, ‘miki!” Satoru replied, his grin returning full force. “But I’m their goof, and that’s all that matters.”

Megumi sighed but couldn’t help the small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I guess if they can put up with you, that says something.”

Satoru beamed, clearly taking that as a compliment. “Exactly! Now, who wants ice cream? Satoshi here has a craving.”

As if on cue, Satoshi babbled happily, his tiny hands reaching up toward Satoru’s face, his little fingers grasping at the air as he tried to touch his father. Satoru leaned down slightly, letting Satoshi’s hands brush against his cheeks, a soft chuckle escaping his lips at the child’s excitement.

Tsumiki giggled at the sight, her amusement evident. “I think that’s just you, Satoru-san,” she teased, her tone playful.

Satoru shrugged, completely unbothered by the light jab. “Well, Satoshi is my son,” he declared with a grin, gently nuzzling his cheek against Satoshi’s tiny hand. “My little dawn, my copycat! He’s bound to inherit my great taste in sweets!” 

His words were met with another round of giggles from Tsumiki, while Satoshi, as if understanding his father’s pride, continued to babble cheerfully, his joy infectious and filling the room with warmth. You finally came around the corner, fully dressed to go out for the day. You grinned at everyone.

“My love! Woah, you look dashingly extraordinarily fantastically—”

“Satoru.” You giggled, looking into his deep cerulean eyes. Full of love, full of wonder— for you. “Your compliments don’t have to be that long, baby.”

“Huh!? But how will the world know how much I love my beloved?”

You smiled, walking over to him. You placed a kiss on Satoshi’s massive cheeks, eliciting him to laugh. Then you looked at your husband and leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. He smiled against your lips, enjoying the touch of your lips against his own. When you parted lips, he looked dazed with love for you.

“New lip gloss?” He asked you, grinning. “It’s more fruity than before.”

“Do you love it?”

He grinned harder. “I do!”

“Ugh, married people.” Megumi gagged, looking at the two of you. 

Tsumiki swooned with a smile on her face. “Ah, married people.”

With that, the conversation shifted to plans for an impromptu ice cream outing, and any lingering questions about your marriage to Satoru were put on hold—at least for now. Sweets came first in your family. But as they all headed out the door, there was a sense of contentment in the air, a feeling that whatever the story behind your marriage was, it was something that had brought everyone closer together. And that, in the end, was all that really mattered.

As the four of you headed out to the nearest ice cream shop, the lively chatter filled the air. Satoru, as usual, was at the center of attention, effortlessly juggling his roles as the strongest sorcerer, doting father, and husband with a charm that was uniquely his.

Satoshi, snug in his baby carrier, was babbling away, occasionally pulling at Satoru’s white hair, fascinated by its softness. Tsumiki walked beside them, laughing at Satoshi’s antics, while Megumi trailed slightly behind, trying to mask his amusement with an air of indifference.

Once you reached the shop, Satoru wasted no time in ordering a variety of flavors—far more than anyone could reasonably eat. He carried the overflowing tray of cones and cups to a table outside, grinning as he set it down.

“Alright, everyone, dig in!” he announced, looking far too pleased with himself.

Tsumiki eagerly grabbed a rainbow sprinkle cone, and even Megumi couldn’t resist picking out his favorite flavor, chocolate chip. You grabbed pistachio and your husband Satoru took a seat, carefully adjusting Satoshi in his carrier before picking up his own ice cream. He looked around at his little makeshift family, his heart swelling with a mix of pride and contentment.

As they enjoyed their treat, Tsumiki’s curiosity got the better of her again. “Satoru–san, do you think Satoshi will grow up to be like you?”

Satoru smirked, scooping up a generous amount of ice cream. “Well, he’s got the looks for it, that’s for sure,” he said, tapping Satoshi’s nose with a finger. “But as for the rest, who knows? He’s got plenty of time to figure out what kind of person he wants to be.”

Megumi, ever the realist, chimed in. “Let’s hope he doesn’t inherit your ego.”

Tsumiki tried to stifle her giggle while Satoru feigned offense, dramatically clutching his chest. “My ego? I prefer to think of it as confidence. And besides, who wouldn’t want to be like me? I’m the complete package!”

“Because they love me!” Tsumiki teased, echoing Satoru’s earlier statement with a playful grin.

Satoru’s eyes twinkled with amusement as he leaned back in his chair. “Exactly! See, Tsumiki gets it.”

You smiled, shaking your head. “You are too much, Satoru.”

“But you love me, don’t you?”

“Fortunately, yes. I do.”

Megumi shook his head, but there was a faint smile on his lips. Despite the banter, it was clear to him how much Satoru cared for you and the life you’d built together. Satoru might joke around, but there was no denying the depth of his feelings, especially when it came to you and Satoshi.

After a while, the conversation turned to other topics—school, upcoming missions, and plans for the weekend. The sun dipped lower in the sky, casting a warm golden glow over the scene. As they sat there, laughing and talking, it was easy to forget the pressures of their world, if only for a little while.

Finally, when all the ice cream was gone and Satoshi was starting to get sleepy, they decided to head back home. Satoru, now carrying a drowsy Satoshi in his arms, led the way, still chatting animatedly with Tsumiki and Megumi as they walked. Your shopping bags filled one hand and the other, a matcha drink you so adored.

As they neared your home, Megumi suddenly asked, “So, do you think you guys will want more kids?”

You choked on your drink. You coughed. Megumi looked panicked at your state. You haven’t really thought about more kids. Having Megumi, Tsumiki and Satoshi felt more than enough. Tsumiki handed you a wet wipe, worry evident on her face. She took the matcha drink so you could clean yourself.

“You alright, my love?” Satoru asked, fear in his face. “Megumi, get water!”

Megumi nodded as he rushed off. You cleaned your face from the matcha.“I’m…I’m fine. Don’t worry. Just surprised, that's all.”

Megumi finally came back and handed you water. You smiled at him and drank the water slowly. You thanked the boy, patting his head with your free hand. Satoru took a breath of relief and paused, glancing down at the now peacefully sleeping Satoshi, his expression softening. 

“We don’t know yet, about more kids. We haven’t thought about it yet.” he said thoughtfully. “If that’s something we both want, then why not? After all, I think we make a pretty good team.”

Tsumiki smiled, nudging Megumi. “I think it would be nice if Satoshi had a little brother or sister to play with.”

Megumi, trying to maintain his usual indifferent facade, just shrugged. “As long as Satoru–san doesn’t try to turn them all into mini versions of himself.”

You smiled. “Another version of me would be a change, don’t you think?”

“Satoru–san would spoil them!” Tsumiki grinned. “I would too!”

Satoru chuckled, shaking his head. “Hey, I wouldn’t dream of them being like me. I don’t want them to be. Everyone’s got to find their own path, right? I just want them to be happy and strong enough to protect what’s important to them.”

He looks at you and grins. “But another version of you I could hold dear and treasure? I would be the happiest man.”

“Simp.” Megumi snickered as you put down the shopping bags. 

As they reached the door, Satoru turned to face them, his grin returning. “And what about it? I’m proud of being a loving husband!”

“What Satoru said, that includes you two as well.” You smiled at Megumi and Tsumiki. “You’re all part of this family now, whether you like it or not. Okay?”

Megumi rolled his eyes, but the small smile on his face gave him away. “Yeah, yeah. Just don’t go getting any more ideas.”

Tsumiki giggled, and Satoru opened the door, ushering them all inside. “No promises!”

The door closed behind them, shutting out the world as the Gojo household settled in for another evening. And as Satoru laid Satoshi down in his crib, watching the tiny baby sleep, he couldn’t help but feel that life, with all its chaos and surprises, had turned out pretty damn good. And he wouldn’t change a thing.

He smiled to himself, knowing that whatever the future held, he was ready to face it with you, Satoshi, and the rest of the family by his side. Because in the end, it wasn’t just about being the strongest—it was about being loved, and loving in return. And that was something even Satoru Gojo knew he couldn’t do alone.

[straylightdream]

rose-colored boy

𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐭: bang chan x reader

↳ Life never goes as planned, when you were younger you always imagined as reaches your mid twenties you would be married with kids. Instead you’re stuck at home helping take care of your sick grandmother and still desperately searching for her fathers approval. The only thing in your life that makes you feel normal is Chan.

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: non idol au, romance, angst, smut

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: explicit sex, anxiety, and mentions of depression, crying and lots of emotions.

𝐚𝐧: I’m reworking a story I posted in 2020 here. This story is a one shot right now, but if there is enough interest I might write a part two.

𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲

The sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is an all too familiar feeling that you’re a disappointment. Inhaling a deep breath you're listening to your father gush about your brother and his new wife. Your younger brother sports a proud smile listening to your father. This family dinner was exactly like all the other ones you have shared.

“Y/N have you considered going back to school?” Your father asks, pointing his attention back at you.

Closing your eyes you take a deep breath attempting not to roll your eyes at your father. He’s aware that you don’t have time to go back to school. He chooses to ignore the fact that your grandmother's condition is getting worse and your mother needs all the help she can get. Your father tends to live in his own world ignoring the problems you and your mother and his ex wife face. He stopped caring long before he left your mother, so it’s not like this is anything new.

Looking at your brother you give him a pleading look. You wished he would recognize your silent begging for help.

“I would love too, but mom needs my help with grandma,” you try your hardest to keep your tone even. You don’t need your father or your stepmother Hae-Won commenting about your bitchy attitude.

“Your mother needs to put her in a home and move on,” your father’s cold tone stings. He’s always been a more distant man, but at one point he did actually love your mother and her family.

“Mom needs Y/N,” your brother finally speaks up defending you.

“Darling, listen to your son,” Hae-Won rested her hand on your father's arms. Your stepmother tends to be the voice of reason when it comes to your father. Hae-Won is a kind woman and she always attempts to treat you with kindness.

Dinner continues with a blur. Your father has switched his attention back to your brother and his career. Standing up, walking outside desperately needing fresh air and escape from constant judgment. Your brother walks outside with his car keys in his hand.

“Sorry that was so rough,” he finally speaks.

Shoving your hands in your jeans pockets you try to act like you aren’t fazed by their constant judgment.

“Joshua, that was like every single dinner we have,” looking down at your feet you sigh.

“YN, I’m sorry I’m not there for mom,” he reaches his hand out resting it on your shoulder.

“You’re married now, Rosie needs you.”

Your brother being married had nothing to do with him not helping mom. The moment Joshua went to university he found his escape from the life you were now trapped in. If it wasn’t for you your mother would lose her mind. Your grandmother's Alzheimer's started getting bad while you were in high school, and proceeded to get worse while you were in your first year of university. Your mother’s mental breakdown during the summer after your first year pushed you to drop out to help out at home.

“Did you need a ride home?” your brother asks.

Silently you nod.

The ride was filled with awkward conversation. You and your brother used to be close. When he was at home you used to be best friends. He quickly found a life away from you and your mother. You can’t blame him though. If you were given the chance to run away from all this you in a heartbeat. You dreamed of a life away from yours. You want a life when you don't struggle to get by. You want a life that doesn't feel completely trapped. You desperately want to go back to school and get your degree, but it’s just not an option.

Pulling into the drive of your family home Joshua puts the car in park, but doesn’t turn it off. You want to ask if he’s gonna go inside to see mom, but you know the answer.

“You should come over to have dinner with Rosie and I.” He’s always trying to get you to be closer with his wife.

“Okay,” you say, getting out of the car. Glancing back at your brother while shutting the door you see him wearing a sad smile. You wished things between you and your brother weren’t so strained.

Walking inside you find your mother sitting in the living room talking to your grandmother.

“Hi,” you stop and wave at them.

“Are you my granddaughter?” Your grandmother asks, looking at you.

Your stomach drops and you put on your best fake smile you can possibly muster and nod your head. It never gets any easier. The feeling of her not remembering you feels like a dagger slowly being pushed into your chest. You think back constantly to the days where your grandmother was your favorite person. Back to the days when your parents would fight and your grandmother would come and pick you up and take you out to get ice cream. All the sweet memories you used to share have slowly started drifting away. You can’t help but feel mad that you’re watching one of the people you love most in the world drift away. You’re not nearly as patient with her as you’ve been in the past. You curse yourself each time you give the slightest attitude answering the same question for the hundredth time. It’s hard to explain the way you feel. In the earlier stages when you first dropped out of school you used to sit for hours with your mother keeping her company as she watched her mother, but as the more time has passed its grown more difficult to sit there. These days your grandmother could barely maintain a conversation, and most of her questions were about sore subjects. She often asks your mother where her husband is. Or asked if you were married. Your dating life in itself was a touchy subject. You had zero desire to bring someone into your life. You were trapped enough that nobody deserved to be dragged into this life.

“How was dinner?” Your mother asked, standing up.

“Fine,” you lied, turning on your heels and heading down the hallway towards your room.

Shutting the door press your back against the door and let out the breath you didn’t realize you were holding. Reaching into your pocket you pulled out your phone to see a text from Felix. It simply read “come over to mine and Jisung’s for drinks at eight.”

Looking at the clock on your nightstand you saw it was already eight thirty. You already had a rough night. You should probably take a hot shower and call it a night. Holding your phone up you stared at his text for a solid moment before you simply responded, “be there soon.”

Opening your door walking back into the living room you find your grandma sitting alone. Walking into the small kitchen you find your mom pouring herself a large glass of wine.

“Did you need my help tonight?” You prayed she would say no. You needed a night with your friends especially after your dinner with your dad.

“Where are you going?”

“Felix invited me over for drinks,” you give her a small smile.

“I’m assuming your father was in one of his moods,” she brings the red wine up her lips and takes a big gulp.

“I’m nothing more than disappointment, especially when I’m next to the shining star known as Joshua,” you sound bitter, but you can’t help it. You would be lying to yourself if you said you aren’t jealous of your younger brother.

“You’re not a disappointment,” your mother states.

“Dad thinks I am,” you don’t want to talk about it anymore. This subject just makes you feel even worse.

“Your father's opinion doesn’t matter.” You wish that was true, but for some reason your father’s opinion felt like everything to you. You’ve lived your whole life wanting nothing more than your father's approval.

“Go have fun with your friends.”

Stepping outside you're greeted by the cold autumn air. You choose to walk to the boys place. It’s only a ten minute walk, and you know the walk will give you time to clear your head. You need this time to push away the feeling of disappointment and sadness.

Walking up to the door you knock and step back. It takes all of thirty seconds before Jisung opens the door and pulls you inside. Looking around. In the apartment you see a small group of friends. It’s Felix, Jisung and their six guy friends and three girls. You recognize the blonde girl Soomin as the girl Seungmin has been trying to hook up with.

“Drinks are in the kitchen,” Jisung says.

Nodding you walk into the kitchen. In the small white kitchen you find Chan talking to Felix. Felix wastes no time reaching forward pulling you into a hug.

Pulling away, Felix holds your shoulders and looks at you with his eyebrows knit together. “Why are you so tense?”

“I had dinner with my father and Joshua.”

“Is your father still acting the same?” Felix is one of the few people who know your whole situation with your family. Not even Jisung, who you’re just as close to, knows about your whole family situation.

“Yeah,” you sigh, glancing over at Chan who looks at you like he’s studying you.

“Did you want something to drink?” Chan asked.

Felix removes his hands from you. He smiles over at Chan and says, “make the girl something strong she really needs it.”

Felix walks out of the room leaving you alone with Chan. Things with Chan have always been easy. He’s someone who is kind and easy to make conversation with. You’ve grown closer to him over the last couple months. He’s an old high school friend of Felix. Out of all your friends he seems to by far have his life the most together. He works at a bank in a high up position and even has his own apartment. You’ve watched enough women at bars attempt to capture his attention, but the thing about Chan is he doesn’t seem to want theirs. He’s always seemed so driven by work you’ve never even heard of him dating anyone.

Handing you a red cup he captures your attention, “it’s pretty strong.”

“Is everything okay?”

You take a sip of the strong drink and look up at him with hooded eyes. Shrugging your shoulders you aren’t even sure how to respond to that question. Technically everything is okay, nothing has changed. You feel the exact same way you’ve always felt. You’re just doing a terrible job at hiding it. Normally you pride yourself on trying to hide away all your problems that seem to be eating away at you.

“Rough day,” you sigh.

He leans back against the counter and looks at you. You can’t help but let your eyes travel across his body. Chan is very handsome and you aren’t really sure why some girl hasn’t been able to lock him down. He stands there oh so casually dressed jeans and button up shirt.

“You know you can talk to me right? I know Felix is the only one you fully let in, but I like to think we’re friends too. If you need someone to vent to, I'm here to listen.”

“I don’t need to burden someone else with all my problems.”

Chan is one of the kindest and most caring people that you’ve ever met. He’s always been like the father figure of your group of friends. You’ve seen your friends pull him aside to talk to him when they’re having problems. He’s being honest with you when he tells you he’s there to listen to you. He won't judge you for whatever you’re going through.

“You know you aren’t a burden to anyone right? You’re friends with me and all the boys. We’re all here to support you. We just want to help.”

You wished it was that easy that you could just talk about your problems and it would help them go away. You could scream from the rooftop that you’re tired of feeling like a disappointment, but it wouldn’t make the feeling go away. You could scream that you’re tired of being trapped in a life that you didn’t choose, but at the

end of the day you’ll still have to go home. Your mother is still in desperate need of your help. You couldn’t just walk away from your family, like your brother did. You know your brother didn’t leave to hurt you, but it didn’t dull the pain anymore.

“I’m okay Chan. Thank you for your offer though.”

“Come sit on the patio with me,” he says.

You aren’t sure why he wants you to go outside with him, but nod your head and follow him. He slides the glass door open that’s connected to the kitchen. You step outside and he closes the door behind you. The chilly night air feels nice against your skin as you take a seat in one of the two chairs that are sitting in front of a glass table. Chan sits next to you, placing his cup on the table. You look at the cup curious to know what he’s drinking. It’s rare that you ever see him drink. He’s the one who is always the designated driver or the one in charge of looking after your friends who tend to get a little too rambunctious when they drink.

“What are you drinking?” You ask.

“Water,” he lets out a soft chuckle. You can’t help but shake your head. It was rare you ever saw him eat or drink something that isn’t healthy.

“Did you have work today?” You attempt to make small talk with him to avoid talking about things that are too personal.

“Yeah I worked until five.”

Chan was one of the higher ups at a bank in the city. He tended to wear a suit for a living and work nine to five. He probably had his life the most together out of all your friends he followed the path he always planned on following. Your friends all had their lives together, but they all still liked to party and let loose. Sure Minho and Hyunjin were making good money working as dancers but their job wasn’t always super steady. Felix and Jeongin both worked for a tech company that just started up. Seungmin is a teacher. Jisung also worked as a publisher, and Changbin was working as sound technician at a record label. Literally all your friends have their lives more together than you. You dropped out of college to help at home, and you work a retail job barely getting by.

“Did you work today?” He asks.

You shake your head, “no I had to ask for the day off to see my dad.” You tense up just mentioning your dad. You don’t mean to, it’s just a force of habit.

“You didn’t want to come over tonight did you?” He asks as he brings his cup up to his lips. He takes a drink and watches you.

You weren’t sure if you should answer him honestly. Part of you wanted to stay home and take a shower and just attempt to push away the negative thoughts that seem to be eating away at you. You only came over to escape the trapped feeling of being at home.

“I need to get out of my house,” a heavy sigh passes your lips.

“Are you okay?” He reaches over and rests his warm hand on top of yours. There’s something comforting about his touch.

An almost sarcastic laugh passes your lips, “my grandma didn’t know who I was when I came home today.”

His eyes grow wide as he stares at you. He purses his lips together as he stares at you attempting to figure out what he should say to you. He knows that he can’t say sorry to hear that. He knows nobody fully understands what you’re going through. He only knows about your grandma because Felix told him one day. Felix was worried about you because he hadn’t heard from you in two days. In a panic Felix let him know about the stress you were under at home. Felix swore him to secrecy telling him that you couldn’t know that he knows. That you didn’t want everyone knowing about your problems.

“I know you’re probably tired of hearing this, but I’m really sorry you have to go through that. That must be heartbreaking to experience,” his hand remains on yours as his dark eyes stay on you.

Closing your eyes you push back your tears that are trying so hard to fall. You’ve had a rough day and you don’t want to cry, but the overwhelming weight of the world seems to be resting on your shoulders.

“It fucking sucks,” you shake your head.

“Well my offer still stands if you ever need to talk about it. I'm here for you. You also know that Felix and Jisung would go to the ends of the world for you.”

Felix constantly told you that he was there for you. You couldn’t even count the number of times Felix came over to your house and just laid in bed with you listening to you cry about your problems. Felix is your rock. He’s been there through hell and back holding your hand. Jisung would also be there for you if you would fully let him in. He knows details of your problems, but he’s not the one you call when you’re crying.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” You need to know if he’s doing this just because he is pitying you.

“Because you’re a good person, and you don’t need to feel alone,” his thumb brushes across your skin in a calming motion.

“I don’t feel alone. I have Felix,” it was a lie. You felt lonely all the time. You couldn’t seem to fill the empty hole in your chest.

“You can have more people than just Felix that care about you. All seven of those guys in the house care about you. I even care about you. I can see that you’re hurting, and you can put on a fake smile and try to act happy in front of all of us, but you don’t have to. You’re allowed to be sad, and if someone or something is hurting you, you don’t have to turn off those emotions,” his voice is so calming as he speaks to you. He’s saying things to you that you’ve been needing to hear for a long time. Some of the things he’s saying Felix has said to you as well, but for some reason they just feel different coming from Chan.

“I don’t want to be fake happy anymore.” You wanted nothing more in the world to feel real happiness. You wanted that feeling of being a disappointment to fade away.

“Let more people in then.”

The air between you feels thick as you stare at each other. There’s something between you and you can’t seem to put your finger on it.

“What happens if I let you in?” You take a deep breath keeping your eyes locked on him.

“Then I’ll be there for you. I can be there for you just like Felix.”

“You’ll get tired of hearing about my problems.” You knew Felix was probably tired of listening to you cry.

“Believe me I won’t.”

Looking away from his intense gaze, you need to step away from this. This all feels too overwhelming. Chan removes his hand from the top of yours, noticing your change in demeanor.

“I need some water,” you quickly stand up.

He walks over and opens the sliding door holding it open for you. You walk inside heading straight to the fridge to pull out a bottle of water. He stands in the kitchen watching you.

“I’m sorry if I overwhelmed you,” he walks closer to you.

“I had a weird day. This isn’t because of you,” you don’t want him to know that you were freaking over letting your walls down around him.

You stand there alone for a long moment. Seungmin walks in letting his presence be known singing a random song loudly. Your eyes snap over to your loud friend hoping he will relieve some of the tension that has formed between you and Chan.

Seungmin’s eyes bounce between the two of you, stopping right by both of you. “YN you’re so tense when was the last time you got laid?” Seungmin speaks, putting his hand on your shoulders and shaking you. Seungmin has never been the best at using the filter between his brain and his mouth. Your cheek burn with embarrassment as your eyes bounce between Seungmin and Chan. Chan is wearing an apologetic look while Seungmin looks all too proud that he’s embarrassed you.

“Seungmin you don’t get to ask me that,” you practically shout, feeling utterly embarrassed. You didn’t want to discuss your sex life with Seungmin of all people. He’s got by far the biggest mouth out of all your friends.

“It’s been awhile if you won’t answer,” he barks out a laugh and looks toward Chan who is blushing. “Chan you also look super tense. When was the last time you got laid?” Seungmin has realized that he can make both of you feel incredibly awkward with zero effort. One of Seungmin 's favorite pastimes is embarrassing his friends.

“Seungmin, knock it off,” Chan responded, completely deadpan.

“Maybe you two should have sex and you can both relax for once,” Seungmin smiles, stepping away from you.

“Well that was beyond awkward,” you respond.

“I mean maybe you two should bang. Maybe both of you could actually have fun for once,” was the last thing he said before walking out of the kitchen.

You’re left standing there with just Chan who seems to be having an issue with making eye contact with you. Pushing your lips together you look at him attempting to even figure out what exactly you should say. Seungmin wasn’t wrong about you probably need to have sex. You’d been so stressed you couldn’t even remember the last time you were intimate with someone. Hell the last time you kissed someone was Felix during a drunken game of truth or dare on his birthday. During that drunken mess of a night you were dared to either kiss him or Seungmin and Felix was the safe bet being your best friend.

Chan nervously scratches his neck and looks up at you finally.

“I take it’s been a while for you too?” He finally speaks.

Talking about sex has always made you feel slightly awkward. You’ve never been a person who would openly share details of your sex life.

“Yeah probably too long,” sighing as you lean against the counter across from Chan.

“If it makes you feel any better I’m in the same boat. It’s been a while.”

You aren’t sure what possessive you to say it but without thinking you say, “maybe Seungmin right, maybe I do need to have sex. I’ve been so stressed with everything.”

Chan cocks his eyebrow and stares at you looking caught off guard. He audibly swallows, not expecting you to agree with his younger friend. In the whole time he’s known you, Chan doesn’t think he’s ever heard you mention anything to do with sex. You had this air of innocence to you. He was well aware you weren’t a virgin, he’s heard you talk about your ex who strung you along off and on for six years. There was just something so innocent about you that the topic of sex made you blush and feel awkward.

“Who would you sleep with?” he’s not sure why he asks. He knows damn well it’s none of his business. He knows no matter who you say he’s not going to like the answer. He doesn’t like the idea of you sleeping with anyone.

Shrugging your shoulder you realize you don’t exactly have men lining up the block to have sex with you. You could try those dating apps people use to hook up, or maybe a friend. You trusted all the boys but you knew certain ones would complicate your life. Felix specifically was off limits, he’s your best friend and you couldn’t do anything to ruin that. Changbin crosses your mind for a small moment. He’s extremely handsome and charming and has even flirted with you before.

“I don’t know,” you finally respond.

As Chan watches you can tell you seem to have a million things going through your mind. He wants to offer up his services but he’s not exactly sure how you would take his offer. He couldn’t lie to himself, he's always been attracted to you, and he’s enjoyed getting to know you. He also appreciates that you seem to be letting your walls down around him.

“If I ask you something can you promise not to slap me?”

You nod not exactly sure what he could possibly ask you.

“Would you be willing to have sex with me?” His heart races as he stares at you trying his hardest to judge your reaction.

You look at him completely dumbfounded. You aren’t even sure if you heard him correctly. Bang Chan is one of the most handsome men you have ever laid eyes on. He’s also got the body of a Greek god, and he just asked if you would be willing to have sex with him. You blink a handful of times attempting to process his question.

“You want to have sex with me?” you blurt out.

He nods and gives you an innocent smile, “yeah.”

“Oh,” you stammer over that simple word. Your mind is still trying to process that Chan actually wants you.

He pushes himself off the counter and looks at you with a guilt ridden face, “you can totally say no. I’m sorry for making this weird.”

He looks cute and completely flustered. Reaching you rest your hand on his arm, “if you’re sure you want to. I would like to relieve some stress with you.”

“Oh,” he opened his mouth and stared at you, completely shocked that you agreed. He didn’t actually have a plan of action if you agreed. He thought for sure you were going to shut him down without even thinking twice.

“Did you want to do it tonight?” You felt so weird asking him if he wanted to leave to have sex. This whole situation was completely uncharted for you.

He nods and gives you an awkward smile, “yeah we can go to my place if you want.”

“Can we please head out now?” You want to leave as soon as you can. You know you should stay and talk to Felix some more, but he seems to be giving you space to talk to Chan.

“Yeah I can drive us.”

“Let me say goodbye to Felix.”

You walk off to the living room where you find your best friend talking to Jeongin. You tap his shoulder and he turns to face you.

“Chan is gonna take me home.” You decide to spare the details that you’re leaving with him to have sex. You know out of all your friends Felix won’t judge you, but he might be concerned about your feelings.

Leaning forward he pulls you into a tight hug and presses his lips to the top of your head before whispering that he’ll see you tomorrow.

You wave goodbye to the rest of the group before meeting Chan at the door. He holds the door open and as soon as it shuts behind him he ever so slowly reaches down, taking your hand in his. A spark goes across your skin as he holds your hand tight. He leads you down to the parking garage below the building and holds your door open as you slide inside. He gets in and starts the car. He turns the radio on to give you some background noise.

You drive in silent with nothing but the hum of the radio for five minutes before you break the silence between you.

You clear your throat catching his attention. He glances over at you and gives you a soft smile.

“So, I’ve never done anything like this. Like I’ve had sex outside of a relationship, but never with a friend,” you’re rambling but you really can’t help it.

“I haven’t either,” he reaches over resting his hand on your thigh.

“So we’re both nervous?” You look over at him trying to read his expression.

“Yeah I’m nervous too.” It’s reassuring to know he feels the same way you do.

Pulling into the parking garage. He shuts the car off and gives you a smile before getting out of the car. You take a deep breath before unbuckling your seatbelt. Hoping out of his car you find home waiting for you with your hand out. You lace your fingers with his without giving it a second thought.

Chan felt like a nervous teenager as he held your hand. This whole situation was something he’s never done before. He has a million thoughts going through his mind as he holds your hand leading you towards his apartment. He has one mission tonight, and that’s to make you forget your problems for a little while. He wants to make you feel good and to relieve all the stress that’s built up.

Entering his apartment he releases your hand as he gives you a minute to look around and take in your surroundings. You’ve only been to his place twice and both times you were with Felix and you weren’t there very long. His apartment is pretty large and has a minimalist aesthetic to it. You’ve heard Chan talk about how much he hates decorating. Stopping in his living room in front of his black leather couch. Chan follows you into the living room. Staring at you, he takes a deep breath. You’ve never done this before. You’ve never agreed to just have casual sex with a friend. You fidget with the bottom of your sweater. You’re not sure who is supposed to make the first move. How exactly was this supposed to work?

“We don’t have to do this,” he says awkwardly. He can’t tell how nervous you are.

“I want this. I haven’t had sex in too long and I feel like it will help relieve some stress.”

He steps closer to you. He hesitates for a moment before pushing a piece of hair behind your ear. “It’s been pretty long for me too.”

“You know you have girls always trying to get with you right?” You try not to laugh thinking about all the girls who attempt to flirt with him. You’ve seen too many girls attempt to get his attention when you go out with your friends.

Shrugging he says, “I don’t feel like having sex with random girls.”

You can’t seem to ignore the nervous feeling in your stomach that’s bubbling. Looking up at Chan you notice his cheeks are flushed slightly. He must be as nervous as you. This whole situation is so strange, never in your wildest dreams did you think you would be going over to Chan to have sex with him. The fact that Seungmin dumb comment about you needing to get laid led to you riding over to Chan apartment is crazy.

“How do we even start this?” you felt like an awkward teen about to lose your virginity.

“We could start by kissing,” he steps closer to you.

Nodding your head you agree that kissing would be a good place to start this. Maybe that would help calm your nerves.

He rests his hand on your cheek ever so gently and stares into your eyes. He licks his bottom lip before leaning in and pressing his lips to yours. A warm feeling spread through your body as your lips moved together. One of his hands stayed on your cheek while the other gripped your hip holding you close. The whole time your lips moved together you couldn’t help but overthink everything. You were enjoying the feeling of his lips against yours, but you wondered if he was enjoying it too.

With his lips ghosting yours he whispers, “stop over thinking everything.”

Your eyes snap open and you step back from him. You stare at him with your mouth open, unsure of what to even say.

“Stop overthinking everything. Just let go and enjoy yourself. I’m going to make it my mission to force you to relax tonight,” he leans in to press his lips to your jaw. He places a trail of gentle nips across your skin.

“Okay.”

He presses his lips to yours again and you relax against his touch. His hands run up and down your sides as your lips dance. Wrapping your arms around his neck you pull him close to you. Opening your mouth he slides his tongue against yours.

He pulls away wearing a smile. His hands reach for the end of your sweater. He pauses while he waits for your consent. You nod your head silently.

He removes all your clothes leaving you naked in front of him. You stand there watching as he removes his own clothes.

His body is something to be admired. He has probably the best abs you’ve ever seen. Without even thinking you lean forward and run your fingers across his tone stomach. He watches you intently. He wants this whole night to be about helping you find a release. He wants you to enjoy yourself.

Silently he drops to his knees in front of you. His hands run up your thighs. He moves your thighs so he’s sitting between your legs. His eyes are locked on your already wet core. He’s managed to get you worked up with just the idea of what is going to happen and by the heated kiss you shared.

He runs two fingers through your folds as he presses a kiss to the top of your mound. You whimper in anticipation. His thumb brushes your clit for a moment before he moves his fingers to your entrance. He thrust his finger into your tight wall. His tongue laps at your clit as he pumps one finger inside you.

“You’re so tight,” he groans against your core. He dips another finger in you helping stretch you out. He curls his fingers inside you, touching just the right area. You tangle your fingers in his hair. Closing your eyes you tilt your head back, closing your eyes. You’re so close to finding your release.

“Chh… Chan I’m so… close,” you’re a complete whimpering mess.

He picks up his pace knowing you’re so close. He doesn’t stop until you find your release. The warm wave washes over you. You cry out his name loudly. He pulls away sitting on his hunches looking up at you with a proud smile.

“That was amazing,” you say with your chest rising and falling quickly.

He stands up and leans forward to kiss you. You taste yourself on your lips and you can’t lie it turns you on. Your eyes travel down his body to see that he’s already extremely hard and you haven’t even touched him.

“Let me get a condom.”

He jogs off to his bedroom and comes back rolling the rubber down his hardened length. He stops in front of you and leans in for another kiss. You wished that all those months ago you would have dared to kiss him. You can’t believe you’ve gone this far in your life never knowing the feel of Chan’s lips against yours.

“Can you bend over the back of the couch?” He pulls away asking.

You nod and look over at the leather couch. You follow his lead and walk over to the couch. Bending you over the couch he kissed down your spine. His hand grip your hips tightly. You take a deep breath and look over at your shoulder to see his lust filled eyes staring at you.

“Are you ready?” He grinds his hips against yours slowly.

“Yeah.”

He slides his length between your folds before pushing into you extremely slowly. His hands never leave your hips as he pushes his way in. The feeling of him stretching you is overwhelming. You grip the back of the couch as a gasp passes your lips. He stills is giving you time to adjust.

His chest is rising and falling as he tries to remain calm. “You’re really tight,'' he says with baited breath.

It’s probably been too long since you had sex and you know you need to relax more. “Spread your legs a little,” he puts his foot next to one of yours and gently nudges it. You silently follow his command. One of his hands leaves your hips and he slowly drags it down your spine. His touch feels like electricity running through your veins.

“Sweetheart just relax,” his voice is low and calming.

Taking a deep breath you try your hardest to relax. Sex is supposed to be fun. You aren’t supposed to stress about the problems in your life while probably the most handsome man you’ll ever meet is literally inside you. You nod your head and rest your face against the cool leather sofa.

His hand slowly rubs your back helping you relax. “Did you want to stop? I’m not going to be upset if you want to walk now or at any time during this.”

Lifting your head you look over your shoulder with a shocked look on your face. “I want this. I’m trying to stop overthinking everything,” you explained.

“Can I move?”

“Yes please.”

He leans forward kissing your shoulder before he pulls his hips back. Be pushed back into you, setting a slow pace. With each thrust he fills you completely. You can’t help the low whimpers that pass your lips with each roll of his hips.

The room is filled with the sounds of skin hitting skin, and his low moans, and your soft whimpers. His hands are back to gripping your hips. Everytime he thrust into you, he pushed away the thoughts of the outside world. You try your hardest to get lost in his touch. His pace picks up slowly. His grip on you never falters. Your name has never sounded as beautiful as it does being moaned by him. Dropping your face into the couch you moan his name.

He leans over your body, having one of his hands at your core. His fingers quickly find your swollen bundle of nerves. He brushes it quickly as he’s helping you chase your release.

“Chan,” you whine.

Wet kisses are being placed across the back of your neck. You can’t hold your eyes open, the feeling of the coil in your stomach tightens, almost becoming too much to handle.

He snaps his hips into yours over and over again. You aren’t exactly sure how long you’ve been pushed up against this couch, but you won’t complain. Nobody has ever made you feel the way Chan is. He seems to know exactly how your body ticks. His fingers don’t leave your clit as he whispers encouraging words into your ear.

“Sweetheart, you can go ahead and cum for me.”

You’ve never wanted to come so badly in your life. Pushing your hips up angling them just right Chan is hitting a new area that causes a loud gasp to pass your lips.

“Chan,” you whimper, reaching back for his hand. You need to hold on to him desperately as you’re so close to finding your release.

“I want to see you when you come, pretty,” he says, stalling in you.

Your eyes grow wide confused on why he’s stopped moving. He pulls out of you and reaches out for you. He picks you up and places you on the couch. Laying there on his couch you watch as he moves so he’s hovering over you. He settles between your legs and pushes into you.

“You’re so pretty. I want to see your pretty face when you cum,” his sweet words.

“Chan,” you whimper.

One hand grips his shoulder while the other tangles in his hair. His nose is resting on yours. His pretty lips are parted and low moans pass his lips.

“Kiss me,” you say. You desperately want to feel his lips on yours. His lips crashed against your. The kiss is sloppy and lust filled but you can’t seem to get enough.

Your legs wrap around his waist holding him close. His thrust have slowed as your lips move together.

“Just let go,” he says with his lips ghosting yours.

His command is all that it takes to push you over the edge. The warmth spreads throughout your body as your walls pull on him. You moan into his lips. Your body feels like a live wire. He rolls his hips into you over and over before finally finding his own release.

He stills with his chest rising and falling. He leans forward pressing his face into the crook of your neck. You wrap your arms around his back holding him close as he lays on top of you for a moment. His body weight gives you a sense of comfort. Laying there with Chan in your arms this is the most relaxed you’ve felt in a long time.

He lifts himself up and looks down at you. He pushes away your hair that’s stuck to your face.

“Sorry if I was crushing you.”

A soft laugh passes your lips. He’s so sweet and even post sex he’s still so caring.

“You aren’t crushing me,” you reach up resting your hand on his strong jaw.

He pulls away from you and stands up. You can’t help but watch his naked body walk away to toss his used condom. He comes back to you not even seeming slightly embarrassed that he’s strutting around naked. That probably has to do with his beautiful body, and his amazing abs.

Sitting up you pull your legs into your chest feeling suddenly weird that you're just sitting on the couch completely naked. He sits down on the couch next to you and rests his hand on your knee. He smiles before leaning forward and pressing his lips to yours for a sweet kiss. It was the exact opposit of the last lust fueled kiss you shared.

“You’re so pretty,” he rested his nose against yours.

“Chan, thank you.”

“Did you enjoy it,” you couldn’t believe that he was asking if you just enjoyed the best sex you’ve ever experienced.

You let out a little laugh and nod your head.

“Is it awkward if I ask you to stay the night? I don’t see this as a onel night stand type thing. I would like to spend more time with you.”

He’s a little nervous that you will say no. Chan wants to get to know you even more. He wants you to let your walls down around him. He also just wants your company.

“Are you sure you want me to stay?” You couldn’t believe he was asking you to stay.

“Yeah of course I want you to stay.”

Neither of you bother to put any clothes on. Chan takes your hand and leads you off to his room. His bedroom is somewhere you’ve never seen before. The walls are a bright white and he has a queen size bed under a window that looks out onto the city. He pulls his curtains closed not seeming to care that he’s naked. You crawl onto his bed and pull the blankets back. He lays down next to you and wastes no time pulling you close to his body. Your head rests on his chest as he holds you close. In all your life you had only slept in a man's bed a handful of times. All your ex boyfriends and flames never seemed to hold you like Chan is though.

“Did that help relieve some of your stress?” he asked softly.

“Yeah it did.”

Just being around Chan seems to relax you. This is the first time in the longest time you feel at ease. You aren’t worried about everything going on. You know tomorrow will be a stressful day when your mom asks about where you were overnight, but right now you don’t have to worry about that.

“Thank you for tonight.”

“I told you I want to be here for you, and I’ll be here for you mentally and physically,” his hand rubs your side. “I have tomorrow off. Did you maybe want to get lunch together and hang out?”

You literally spent the whole time you were at Felix’s together and then left with him to have sex. Chan seemed like he couldn’t get enough of you, and you can’t complain. It feels nice to finally be wanted.

“I’ll have to go home and change and check in with my mom, but yeah I’ll get lunch with you.”

A night spent in Chan’s arms is one of the best night's sleep you've gotten in a long time.

*

Bright morning light shining through the thin curtains woke you up. A yawn passes your lips as you stretch out your sore body. The bed feels cold next to you. You look over to see Chan isn’t in bed. A panicked feeling starts in your chest. Maybe this was a sign that he wanted you to leave. Hoping out of bed quickly you look around the room realizing you walked into his room naked. Looking on the dresser you see a pile of your clothes neatly folded. Chan must have gathered your clothes this morning. Walking towards the dresser you see the master bathroom door is shut with the light peaking out from the bottom. You aren’t sure if Chan is in there but you don’t want to find out. You quickly put your bra and underwear on. As you start pulling on your legging the bathroom door opens and Chan walks out a pair of boxer briefs while he runs a towel through his damp hair. The moment his eyes lock on you, you completely freeze like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

“Why do you look like you’re running away?” He asks, tossing his towel in the hamper next to the door.

“I thought you would want me to leave,” you say awkwardly.

“Why would I want you to leave?” Chan doesn’t understand what he did or said that could possibly make you think he wanted you to leave.

“I don’t know.”

“I planned on us grabbing lunch. I actually wanted to spend more time with you.” He wasn’t lying to you yesterday when he said he wanted to be there for you.

“Oh,” you’re caught off guard by him actually wanting to spend time with you.

He steps towards you stopping right in front of you. He places his hand right under your chin lifting it so you’re looking into his dark eyes. He licks his bottom lip before saying, “you can relax around me. You don’t have to try to act happy. Let your walls down and try to trust me.” He so desperately wants for you to trust him like you do Felix.

You open your mouth to speak but nothing comes out. You aren’t sure of what to say to him. Leaning down he presses his lips softly to your forehead.

“Did you maybe want some coffee before you run away from me?”

You nod your head silently.

Stepping away from you Chan reaches into his dresser and pulls out a pair of jeans and pulls them on. He doesn’t bother putting a shirt on. You take this time to pull back on your sweater so you aren’t standing around in your bra and a pair of leggings. He takes your hand ever so casually and leads you out into the kitchen. You can’t help but smile that he’s already made coffee.

Reaching into the cupboard he pulls out two coffee cups. He sits down on the counter in front of you. He walks over to the fridge pulling out a carton of cream. Handing it to you, you pour a little into your coffee before handing it back.

There is a comfortable silence between the two of you as you sip on your coffee. There’s something about being around Chan that’s comforting.

Holding his cup close to his chest he watches you carefully. You seem more at ease and it makes him happy.

“What do you want for lunch?” he asks.

“How does ramen sound?” you ask, knowing there are a million places near to get good ramen.

“Sounds good to me.”

After finishing your cup of coffee you follow Chan back to his room so he can get dressed. Sitting on his bed you scroll through your phone to see a text from your mom and one from Felix.

Your moms text read, “I’m assuming you stayed at Felix.”

While Felix read, “were you okay after last night?” Your best friend knows you well and could tell that you had a rough day.

You send him a quick message saying that you’re okay that talking to Chan helped a lot.

Chan stood in front of you in a sweater with his tight jeans and pair of vans. He smiled at you and you couldn’t help but smile back.

Once again he takes your hand leading you out of his apartment.

Standing in front of his motorcycle you’re at a loss for words. You were well aware he owned a motorcycle, but you hadn’t ever ridden on it. He holds his spare helmet out for you sporting a grin.

“I’ve never ridden on a motorcycle,” you say.

“Are you okay if we take this?” He’s unsure if this is a good idea. You seem so unsure staring at his motorcycle.

“Okay we can take this,” you reach out to take the helmet. He steps closer to you and helps up on your helmet and buckles it.

He gets on the motorcycle and reaches his hand out signaling for him to join him. Climbing on you wastes no time wrapping your arms around him. He starts the bike and heads out onto the main road. You hold on to him tightly.

There’s something about the way you hold him that makes his heart flutter a little. For the longest he wished he could gain your trust. He couldn’t help but be jealous of your friendship you shared with Felix. Sure you and Chan had always been friends, but you always had a wall up around him. You never fully let anyone in other than Felix.

Pulling up to your house, shut the motorcycle off and you quickly climb off.

“Did you want me to wait here?” Chan asks.

Your stomach twists at the idea of having to explain to your grandma who Chan is.

“Yes please if you don’t mind. My grandmother isn’t great with people she doesn’t know.”

“Okay that’s fine. I’ll be here, take your time,” he takes the helmet you had been wearing.

Rushing into the house you find your mom standing in the kitchen holding a cup of coffee.

“YN are you okay?” She asks, stopping you dead in your tracks.

“Yeah.”

She knits her eyebrows together, studying you, “why are you rushing.”

“My friend is taking me out to lunch,” you say.

“Who?” She’s being nosy like she normally is.

“Chan.”

Her eyebrow raises as she slowly smiles, “the handsome man that works at the bank?”

Of course your mom remembers Chan's job, and that he’s attractive.

“Yes.”

“Well have fun,” she smiles before taking another sip of her coffee.

Rushing off to your room you start stripping away your clothes. You toss your dirty clothes in your hamper before grabbing a pair of jeans and tugging them on. Reaching into your dresser you pull out a black and white sweater. Heading off to the bathroom you brush your teeth and wash your face.

You practically run out of the house attempting to avoid your mom. Walking outside you find Chan leaning against his motorcycle scrolling through his phone.

He looks up and smiles at you. Handing you a helmet you put it on and he helps you buckle it.

Crawling onto the back of the bike you wrap your arms around him holding your body close to his. He starts driving down the street and you suddenly feel so relaxed as you hold him. There’s something about him that is just so comforting to you.

Arriving at one of your favorite ramen places Chan turns off his bike and he helps you off. He takes your hand immediately. Chan knows you’re shy and a little more guarded, but he doesn’t give you a chance to put up a wall. He holds your hand like it’s the most natural thing in the whole world.

Walking up to the table he holds out your chair for you. This suddenly feels like a date and you get a nervous feeling in your stomach. You aren’t sure why you get so nervous at the thought of being on a date with Chan. He’s literally the most perfect man you’ve ever met, and you’ve already had sex with him. Yet you can’t seem to push away this nervous feeling.

“Why do you want to spend time with me?” you ask after ordering.

Tilting his head he knits his eyebrows together, “because I like spending time with you. I know it seems like it’s coming out of left field, but YN I like you.”

You can’t believe he just said he liked you. You blink rapidly and just stare at them. How do you even respond to him?

“You like me?”

A half smile forms on his lips, “you’re a beautiful girl, you’re kind, and you have an amazing heart.”

“Oh.”

“I’m not asking you to suddenly be my girlfriend. I want to spend time with you, I want to be your friend. I want to be someone you feel like you can trust enough to talk to about the things you’re going through,” reaching out he takes your hand in his. He rubs his thumb across the palm of your hand. His touch instantly relaxed you.

“Chan, I'm a mess. I’m not easy to be with. I feel bad Felix has to deal with me half the time.”

He squeezes your hand gently, “stop, I’m not asking you to give me anything here. I’ll just be your friend if anything, but I want you to know how I feel.”

Before you can say anything the waiter walks over and puts your bowls of ramen on the table in front of you.

Staring at the steaming bowl of soup you’re still trying to process everything Chan just said to you.

“Please say something,” he says.

“I want to get to know you more. I also want to spend more time with you.”

A large smile spreads across his face as he grabs a pair of chopsticks.

He spends the rest of lunch answering questions about himself. In the last twenty-four hours you’ve talked about yourself enough. You want to know more about the man who seems extremely interested in spending more time with you.

When the waiter brings over the check Chan hands him this card without even looking at the check. You tell him thank you. You didn’t expect him to pay for you.

Arriving at your house you hop off the bike, and before you can walk away Chan reaches out and grabs your wrist. He turns you so you're facing him. He raises his eyebrow and tugs you closer to him.

“I’m serious about wanting to spend time with you,” he knows he is putting himself on the line right now, but he knows he needs to. “Please give me a shot here. Let me be there for you.”

“Okay,” you say softly.

He leans in close to you and presses his lips to your cheek for a soft kiss. You can help but smile as he pulls away.

“I’ll text you.”

He rides off and you’re left with your head feeling as if it’s swimming. The overwhelming feeling that he’s interested in you makes your head spin. You aren’t sure why anyone as perfect as him could be interested in you.

Everything’s a blur as you walk into your room you lay down staring at the ceiling. Chan sweet words play over and over in your ears. Closing your eyes you could picture his soft smile.

You aren’t sure how long you were laying there when your door opened. Looking at the door you find Felix standing in your room.

Throwing himself onto your queen size bed you can’t help but smile at Felix. His eyes are narrowed in on you.

“So what’s going on with Chan?” He didn’t bother asking anything else. He just jumped straight to the point.

Glancing at him from the corners of your eyes you find him staring at you.

“Nothing,” you lied. There was clearing something going on with Chan, but you just weren’t exactly sure.

“Then why didn’t you come home last night?” He smirks at you. It’s extremely clear he knows you were with Chan.

“Lee Felix, what do you know?” Sitting up quickly you grab a pillow holding it on your lap.

“Well your mother asked me when I walked in how our sleepover was. Like we’re teenagers again.”

Your eyes grow wide at the fact your mother asked Felix about you staying over.

“Please tell me you lied to her.”

He reaches up grabbing the pillow from your lap, “of course I lied.”

“Thank you.”

“Did you stay at Chan last night?”

Biting your lip you contemplate lying. You don’t want him asking details about what happened, but you can’t lie to him.

“Yeah I stayed with him.”

“What happened there?” he sits up.

“Lix,” a heavy sigh passes your lips. You know you can’t hide the details from him anymore.

“Just tell me. I’m not gonna judge you,” he’s sitting on your bed with his legs crossed.

“We had sex,” you sigh.

“I knew it,” he almost shouts.

Shaking your head you try to push away your embarrassment. You never shared anything about your sex life.

“How did that even happen?” Felix knew that you were friends, but he didn’t know that you were nearly close enough with Chan to have sex with him.

“We spent the whole night just talking and stupid Seungmin made comments about us needing to get laid and somehow it got us having sex to relieve some stress,” you ramble on quickly.

He stares at you blinking and processes your statement. A smile tugs on his lips. Felix knows that Chan is a good guy and he won’t do anything to hurt you.

“Please say something,” you say softly, pulling your legs into your chest.

“I think you should give Chan a chance. He’s not gonna hurt you.”

“I’m a mess,” your eyes start to tear up.

“Give him a chance,” he puts his hand on your knee and looks into your eyes.

“I’ll try,” you say softly.

You spend the rest of the afternoon laying on your bed with your best friend. You move away from the subject of Chan which you’re thankful for. Eventually Felix convinces you to watch a movie with him. Your mom peaks her head asking Felix to stay for dinner. Your mother has loved Felix from the moment you met. Anytime Felix comes over to your mom to ask him to stay for dinner. Your grandmother also seems to love him. Even though she can’t always remember his name. She does remember she loves him. He always sits on the couch and will talk to her and tell her cute jokes. There’s a reason you’ve let your walls down around Felix. He’s just always seemed to be there by your side. You hope soon you can let your walls down around Chan as well.

Regarding taglist:

If you aren’t interacting with my writing outside of liking the new post I’m gonna have to remove your name from the taglist. You will also be removed if I try to tag you and your blog is listed as "invisible". If you've changed your URL and didn't let me know I will also be removing your name. I’m sorry for the inconvenience but my interactions outside or likes feels like it’s nonexistent right now. All of my taglist are still open though. If you request to be added to one via this form, I kindly ask for interactions in the form and feedback and reblogs. To be quite honest, those really encourage my writing.

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

Drowning

Warning: depression, suicidal thoughts and actions, anxiety. torcher, blood (If missed anything lmk) Description: realizing that she was never enough for him and deciding the world might just be better without her in it

part 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The clashing of metal singings throughout the top of the mountains being carried off with the wind. Sweat beads on my brow my labor breath is becoming louder by the passing minute I lift my sword again towards the right missing the target that was Infront of me the big Illyrian, the general of the powerful Night Court armies the smirk forming on his makes me want to slap it right off. "Oh, come on y/n I know you're better than that." he swiftly movies and swings his blade at me I dodged it just in time dropping down to the ground swing my legs and knocking him off his feet flat on his back I jumped up and just my foot on his chest with pressure and pointing the blade of my sword at his throat "Yes I know I am." I smirk matching his that claimed his face just moments ago.

It has been just over 3 years since the war against the King of Hybern I just shortly after the war was won so much has changed with my found family and with the new additions to the family the Archeron sister, bless the mother for bringing us Feyre bringing her to Rhysand. I am beyond happy that he has found his mate, his other half that makes him whole. I see from the beginning that day we went to their mansion to ask to host the mortal queens to talk that the tension with Cassian and Nesta was going to lead to something more those two were cut from the same cloth what more than the perfect match the Lord of Bloodshed and Lady Death herself. I can't forget about sweet Elain, the way that Azriel looked at her like she was the reason for him to breath and her deep brown eyes seem to lighten looking up at him, it was kind of cliche in a way the darkness and the lightness meets and blends so well together.

I remember when Azriel went into the middle of the enemies camp to rescue Elain even though he could of easily of been killed and that day before the last battle he gave her truth teller. I sat stood across the way putting on my leather and armor when I caught the seen unfold something cracked in my chest, since the day that Nesta and Elain was thrown into the cauldron Azriel always kept a close eye and helping hand to Elain, I could tell from the way he looked at her that it was much more than just being a good friend helping our High Lady's sister adjust to High Fae life he was falling for her, first it was Mor he was pinned over her for the longest time that never seen to bothered me to much. Mor confined in me about her love for other women so I knew nothing was ever going to help between her and Azriel but that still never eased the hurt I felt the way he looked and acted with her. I don't know why I thought there was ever going to be a chance of me and Azriel becoming something more all he sees is the poor broken female hung between those trees deep in the cold forest bleeding pouring form the wounds on her back forming a pool of blood under her feet.

I shook my head trying to shake the memories away grinning again I held out my hand to Cassian he reached up and I helped him back up on his feet. "oh its good to have you back y/n!" he slung and arm around my shoulders and we made our way back down the stairs towards the dinning room. "You never leave us like that again, got it?" I side eyed him "I just needed some space Cass." I signed "To many things happened during the war and everything else going on it was just to much mentally..." Cassian stopped and turned me to face him he had a worried look on his face "I know you do not like to talk about things much but I hope you know that you have me.. you have all of us if you need someone to talk to about thing.." he paused and put a hand on my forearm "I mean it." I just looked at him gave him a small smile and nodded he just did the same.

We walked in silence the rest of the way to the dining room has we walked through the doors a glanced up at the large table sat in the middle of the room there he was and so with everyone else, i mean everyone. Cassian made is way over to Nesta and planted a kiss on her forehead and sat down I stayed in the doorway just staring at everyone. "Come join us y/n." I shifted my eyes toward Rhysand who was looking at me with is smirk he always seems to wear. "It has been far too long since we had everyone for a family dinner." I swallowed hard and blinked everyone now was staring at me waiting for me to come and sit was them or just waiting for a reply. I avoided looking in the direction and the shadow singer and the lovely flower that stay by him I turned and locked my eyes with Rhys "I'm sorry but I think I'm going to have to pass tonight, I am just far too exhausted" he gave me a worried look the same has Cassian did in the hall I felt him trying to break through my mental walls I just shut him out and gave a weak smile and turned to head back up to my room feeling a heavy stare on my back that sent shivers running down my spine.

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

I am so happy you're back and seem to be doing even a little bit better! We missed you!

I wanted to send a little message, so you can ignore it if it sours your mood or you don't feel like dealing with it, feel no pressure at all! It's just this blog has been a safe space and the community has been so welcoming that I figured I could vent really quick

You know when sometimes the brain just has a really shitty day, like when you draw something and it screams at you that it's trash even though there's nothing wrong with it? I've been having a rough time with it deciding to scream that comfort characters would cheat, probably as an 'You are so unlovable not even fictional characters would be loyal' bullshit. Now, logically, I know this makes -67 sense. But, I was wondering if you could just reassure that like, Sanji, Mihawk, Buggy, Shanks, Crocodile, Blablablablabla long list of One Piece characters you write for, would not cheat? I'm sorry, this sounds lame to even write out but I'm trying to get my brain to stop thinking that asking for help is 'pathetic' because it is not and it only applies that logic to me, never to anyone else.

I dunno man. Brains and bring human ate both though af.

I missed all of you as well. Really and sincerely. I have a tendency to go radio silent when I'm going through a difficult time and I hate it immensely, but hearing that I was missed to makes me all

And yes, oh gods, I know. My brain is frequently my worst enemy. Especially when I'm not writing. My anxiety starts working overtime and my creative drive becomes dedicated to coming up with problems that could potentially happen for me to worry about even more and it's an absolute bitch; or even when I am actively creating and a little voice insists that everything I make is stupid garbage.

This is still very much and always will be a safe space. It definitely is awful to feel that unworthy of love. Full disclosure, I've mentioned in passing before that I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder depressive type. My main issue is auditory hallucinations that like to insist that everyone I love and care about only tolerate me out of pity and secretly would rather I not be around, which leads to me isolating myself from people. Huge part of the reason I go silent when life decides to be a bitch. I know it's just as bad feeling that way about comfort characters, if not even worse, when we're supposed to have them to help us get through that kind of bullshit.

So let me provide a little drabble for the one comfort character I’m certain wouldn’t ever allow us to continue being so silly about our worthiness of love and affection, because we’re all worthy of such a basic human need. I may do more later, but one in particular jumped at the opportunity to provide this comfort, and I fear he may counter me with his dreaded puppy-dog-eyes should I even dare attempt to wait.

Good Enough

OPLA!Sanji x AFAB!Reader

Lil drabble thingy

SFW, Hurt/Comfort

Possible TRIGGER WARNINGS for depression, insecurity, self-worth

♫♬ Moonshine ♬♫ — The Fratellis (yes I’m STILL on my Fratellis BS leave me be)

"Never knowing is the most evil feeling, when every answer here is none too appealing"

Sanji had always been a flirt. You knew that from the moment you started working on the wait staff at Baratie. Your trust issues had made it a little difficult for you to open up around the young sous chef (and occasional waiter on the frequent occasion that Zeff kicked him out of the kitchen for insubordination), but it was his outgoing nature and perseverance that had ultimately won you over. He had a way of making you feel like you were the only girl in the world when you were together, doting upon you, all but worshipping the ground you walked on.

But when he was sent out to work the dining area, it always made you nervous. His innate charm, his handsome features—he was nearly always a hit with female customers. No matter how much you told yourself that he was only doing his job, there was always a nagging feeling that maybe there was more to it than that. Watching him interact with a table of pretty young women, who by their clothing and demeanor were obviously far more affluent and sophisticated than you, left you distracted in your own work.

Seeing how they giggled at everything he said, how they fluttered their eyelashes when he brought them their drinks.

How the pretty blonde at the table leaned so close to him while he pointed to something on the menu, close enough to brush her hand across his.

You managed to spill a tray of drinks all over yourself while you were watching, leading to a scolding from the front of house manager. You saw the table of girls from the corner of your eye, giggling at your clumsiness before you were sent off to clean yourself up and change your uniform.

No matter how much you told yourself you were being silly, there was nothing you could do to shake it. The doubts, the thoughts of how easily he could find someone better than you. You had your jaw clenched the entire time you were changing your shirt in the staff restroom, tossing the soiled one aside as you leaned against the sink in front of the mirror and forced yourself to take slow, level breaths.

You were still on the clock. You couldn’t break down. You had to get changed, had to get back to work, had to pretend everything was fine, if he found out you were being so stupid about this then he would definitely drop you like a bad habit, you had to compose yourself or—

Knock knock.

Your eyes darted to the bathroom door, your breath catching in your throat at the sound of the light knock.

“J—just a minute,” you forced out, flinching at the sound of your own voice breaking a little.

Stupid, you’re being stupid, stop it stop it stop it—

A brief silence followed your answer, a silence that seemed to stretch on for miles despite lasting only a few seconds. The familiar, gentle voice that answered after a moment made your hands clench around the porcelain of the sink.

“You alright, love?” You drew in a sharp breath, swallowing, clenching your eyes shut. Of course it was Sanji. You had almost hoped that the manager had come scold you for taking too long. That would have been easier to deal with right now. Your eyes darted to the locked doorknob as it rattled a little. “I heard—”

“I’m fine,” you said immediately, the strained quality of your own words as they met your ears making your hands tighten a little more on the edge of the sink. “I—I just tripped and spilled a few drinks, I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Are you sure you’re alright?” You gritted your teeth, laying your head back to stare up at the ceiling. Of course he wouldn’t let it go that easily. The doorknob rattled a little again, and you glanced at it as if it were a viper poised to strike out at you at any second.

Stupid, you’re being stupid, don’t—

“You sound—”

You reached out and turned the lock on the doorknob, and turned away from the door, crossing your arms over your half-buttoned shirt and stared down at your feet. After a long moment, you heard the door open behind you.

Evidently you didn’t look any less distressed than you felt. His quiet sigh met your ear as the door shut lightly and the lock turned. “Oh, love, it’s fine,” he said gently, his footfalls echoing quietly in the small bathroom, closing the short distance across the tile floor between the two of you. Your whole body tensed as he wrapped his arms around your waist from behind, resting his forehead over the crown of your hair with a quiet chuckle. “It’s only a few drinks, it could happen to anyone.”

You shook your head, your shoulders shaking a little. Stupid, it was so stupid, but the words were already leaving your mouth before you could stop them. “Oh, yeah, anyone.” You couldn’t stop. You couldn’t. He had a way of pulling all your insecurities to the surface that no one else did. You pulled your crossed arms tighter, staring down at the white floor tiles for a moment before shutting your eyes tightly, your voice shaking a little. “Especially a dumb screw-up like me—”

“Don’t do that.” His tone came out a little sharper with this, and your breath hitched audibly in your throat this time, your shoulders hunching as you clenched your eyes shut tighter, swallowing back the lump in your throat. As if to counter your stiff posture, he pulled his arms tighter around your waist, pulling you closer, his thumb rubbing lightly against your waist in a comforting manner. “Don’t, sweetheart. Please.”

The warmth of his embrace already had you relaxing a little. Your shoulders slumped, your body leaning back against him, but your eyes were still burning when you opened them to stare down at the toes of your shoes.

“Was it the manager?” he asked gently, shifting behind you to rest his chin on your shoulder. “If he was being an ass I’ll gladly kick his ass off the docks.” Your breath left your lungs in a slow, trembling sigh as you shook your head no, your gaze drifting down to his hand at your hip, still rubbing lightly against you, your lips curling into a fleeting smile at his offer. You knew you were being stupid, but… “Then what’s wrong, love?” he asked, his voice a soft, comforting murmur in your ear.

“I…” You drew in a deep breath, closing your eyes as he tilted his head so his cheek lay against your shoulder. “Y—you—“

You swallowed against the lump forming in your throat, drawing in a deep breath, trying and failing to steady the whirlwind of thoughts swirling through your mind, thoughts of how maybe this was all a lie, of how you weren’t anything more than a silly little fling to him, how you weren’t good enough, how easily you could be replaced.

You bit your lip, glancing down as his hand found yours, watching his fingers lace between your own…and the breath left you in a slow, resigned sigh.

“It’s stupid,” you said quietly.

“If it’s got you this upset, then it’s anything but stupid,” he countered, and you had to purse your lips tightly to keep them from curving into a small smile as you felt his press briefly against your cheek in a soft kiss. “And if it’s something I’ve done—”

“N—no, you haven’t—” But how quickly you shook your head, how your shoulders tensed, betrayed your worries. “I…I just…” You slowly relaxed once more as he squeezed you against him, his cheek nuzzling against your shoulder, his soft blonde hair tickling against your neck. Still unable to turn your head to meet his eyes, you bit the bullet and forced yourself to voice your worries. “You have beautiful women making goo-goo eyes at you all day,” you said, keeping your voice low in an attempt to keep it steady. “I—I don’t—I’m not—” You bit your lip, your heart racing as you clenched your eyes shut, cursing yourself internally as you felt the tickle of a tear leaving your eye to trail down one of your cheeks. “Y-you could have any girl you wanted. L—like that blonde that was hanging all over you while you were showing her the menu, or—or—”

“Oh, sweetheart…” You weren’t quite able to mask the small sob that hitched in your chest as Sanji loosened his embrace—only to gently place a hand on your hip, guiding you to turn around and face him, to pull you against his chest as you tried and failed to fight back tears. He gently shushed your quiet sobs and stammered apologies as he wrapped his arms around you fully, combing his fingers through your hair as he laid his head over yours. Your eyes remained clenched shut as you fought to control your breathing , as he pressed a tender, lingering kiss to your forehead.

Sanji lowered his head and nuzzled into your hair, holding you flush against him.

“I already have the girl I want. The perfect girl.” He pressed another tender kiss to your temple, murmuring against your skin, “I have her right here in my arms. And I hope,” he said, his tone turning a little playful as he shifted to rest his forehead against yours, “that I’ll still have her tonight after dinner shift is over.” He brushed your hair behind your ear, smiling as he tilted his head to meet your gaze, puling a small smile to your lips as your cheeks grew a little warmer. “So we can cuddle up together on the balcony…watch the stars…laugh at all the drunk idiots stumbling back to their boats…”

You could practically hear him smiling as a few soft giggles escaped you, as you finally leaned fully against him and returned his embrace, your arms wrapping around his torso as you buried your face against his chest.

“I’m sorry,” you sighed, relaxing against him. “I…I’m just…”

“I know, love.” The way he called you ‘love’ all but melted your heart now that you were calmed down, pulling a faint smile to your lips. “I know. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. And if it’s any consolation, I was in the middle of telling that self-righteous blonde bimbo how my sweet, adorable, beautiful girlfriend would wring her neck if she kept putting her hands on me—“ He chuckled as you whined in protest of his praise, tugging you closer and grinning, meeting your eyes without hesitation.

He lifted his hand to your face, his thumb brushing across your cheek, the warmth of his gaze holding yours.

“I—“

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

You both jolted in alarm, your heads turning in unison toward the sound of the pounding on the bathroom door. Before you could so much as glance at each other, a gruff voice spoke up from behind the door.

“We’re in the weeds, Eggplant!” Zeff called . “Get your scrawny ass to the kitchen! And bring your damned girlfriend, we need all the help we can get.”

A long moment of silence stretched between the two of you as you both stared at the closed bathroom door, before your gazes drifted slowly toward each other.

Before you were both giggling under your breath, as you buried your forehead against his chest, a broad smile spreading across your lips as you clung to him.

“I suppose we’ve been summoned,” said Sanji, pulling back from you only enough to gaze down at you, still smiling. “Shall we, then?”

[telail]

never alone ⋆.ೃ࿔* c.s

Pairing: Choi San x Gn!Reader Tags: 1k wc, established relationship, angst, comfort, depression, fluff, ateez oneshot 🎧- Runaway by AURORA note: a little message from me to any of my readers or anyone who happens to come across this that you're never alone even in hard times. Luv u all <3 -TAE

In the quiet corners of your mind where shadows dance with light, there lay a battlefield that is scarcely spoken of.

To the world, you move with grace that belies the turmoil within, your smile which has turned itself into a well practiced mask that hides the depths of your struggles becoming nothing more than a display to those outside of your head.

Never knowing that beneath the surface there's a constant war against invisible adversaries– anxiety, depression, and a haunting sense of isolation that clings to you like a second skin.

As of lately each day has become a journey through a fog of internal conflicts, where every step forward is a victory hard-won against the chains of your own mind.

Your world has become one where your mental health is both the monster under your bed and the unseen weight upon your shoulders, a reality that you force yourself not to face.

In these moments of solitude, you battle with your thoughts, the darkest of which whisper of inadequacy and despair. Yet in the midst of this silent war, there lies a thread of resilience– a faint but unwavering light of hope.

Choi san, someone you’d met earlier on in your life. He was a kind soul with a gentle heart that somewhere along the line he’d trusted you to handle with care.

You’d crossed paths with each other when you were just teenagers and from there to now San had turned himself into something you could lean on through a bond sealed with genuine love and trust.

He pays close attention to you throughout the time that you two spend together, it’s always been an attribute of his that you’ve admired. How attentive he was when it came to people he cared about– able to pick up on even the smallest interests and quirks within a person just because it matters that much to him.

Which is why it wasn't surprising when he was the first to notice the subtle shift in your once vibrant spirit.

Where your laughter used to reside, which used to fill his ears and shoot straight to his heart leaving it with a warm fuzzy feeling– had now been replaced by a somber quiet. He noticed.

Sitting at the edge of your shared bed, San reached for your hand, feeling the coldness of your flesh and the silver diamond laced band wrapped around your ring finger. “Hey,” he said softly, his voice a gentle anchor in the quiet of the room.

You look up at him, your eyes vacant of any signs of interest though you try so hard to make it look otherwise. “Hi,” you replied, a ghost of a smile passing your lips.

“You’ve been.. quiet��� lately. More than what I’m used to. What's been going on in that pretty head of yours hm?” He encouraged, squeezing your hand.

You hesitated, letting out a shaky sigh as you tried your absolute best to decline the feeling of tears making their way to your eyes immediately at the pure sincerity in his voice alone.

“I don't- it's- it’s like I'm lost in a fog, San. And- I can't see the way out– I- everything just feels like it's everywhere all at one time and it's too much– it's too much for me and I don't know how to handle it because I don't think I’ve ever felt so intensely before.”

San moved closer, nodding his head to give you a sense of reassurance that he heard you, that he was listening.

“You’ve been having a hard time for a while haven't you?” he asked, opening his arms slightly as an invitation to which you nodded and pushed yourself into his embrace.

“I know, I’m sure it’s been difficult baby.” he whispers, kissing the top of your head before continuing “Thank you– for telling me, giving me the chance to reassure you that you're not alone in that fog and that I’ll be here, to help you find a way out of that fog no matter how long it takes- we’ll find a way out, together.”

“You sound so.. sure. How do we really know it’ll all work out, or how much more of this I'll have to take?” You mumbled, leaning into his embrace.

“Because it always does, always. Life gives you clouds but sometimes they get in the way and turn into this inconvenience we call fog. It makes it hard to see and it makes things feel all damp and icky but it clears up, and things dry. I’ve been through some fog myself in life but you made me feel as though it wasn't just me trying to blow it all away on my own. So now it's my turn to do the same for you.”

By now you’d stopped fighting the tears nicking at your tear ducts to be released, a few spilled from your eyes as you asked, “But what if it doesn't lift what if it's just too much, even for the both of us?”

San swiped his fingers gently across your cheeks, ridding your tears with his gentle touch while leaving soft kisses in their trails.

“Then we’ll walk, and we’ll keep walking and we’ll keep blowing until it does. And on days when it feels too much we’ll stand still. There's no rush as long as it's me and you angel.”

You only found yourself nestling closer to him, finding solace in his words. “I’m scared,” you admitted, your voice barely above a whisper.

“Yeah? That makes two of us.” He says, flashing you his pretty dimpled smile. “Life is scary, but we're in this together.” He said, his tone becoming serious again as he lifted your head, your gaze meeting his.

“We’ll light up whatever darkness you’ve been facing with thousands of little moments of joy and more.. I promise we’ll make it through.” He reassured you, something he was just so unfairly good at.

For the first time in what felt like an eternity, you felt a genuine sense of hope. In San’s unwavering support you found the courage to face your struggles, not as insurmountable barriers, but as part of your journey together.

A testament to the healing power of love and companionship. Through dialogues of heart and moments of silent understanding, you remind each other that even in the deepest fog, no one has to walk alone.

Thank you for reading. Excuse any mistakes! =) -T © telail 2024 | do not copy, translate, or modify.

[reality-detective]

A brief write up of my personal story. 👇

I haven't been lucky in life with getting my way, I've worked hard for everything including vehicles for myself since I got divorced in 2013 and then it got worse, I lost everything. I had 2 Harley Davidsons, a 1976 FLH shovelhead and a 1990 Ultra Classic, I had a 2010 Ford Edge and a nice house with an in ground pool (16' x 32') and a hot tub. I lost it all.

I had health issues in 2015 which damn near killed me. I continued on a downward spiral with depression and anxiety, the feeling of worthlessness, it seemed as if my life was out of control. I fell into the BIG pharma scam and walked out of an intensive care unit where I spent 2 weeks in and 3 weeks out of an ICU hospital stay with 16 different prescriptions and half were psych meds.

I fell as far as one could fall, I was contemplating suicide and then in the twinkling of an eye my life changed, I went cold turkey on all medications but one. My head lost the fogginess and I was able to think.

I went through my Dark Knight of the Soul which wasn't easy, It took me a couple of years to get through that, but I gotta say Q and having Trump as president shook me awake even more as I watched all this unfold while I fought my own demons.

I have totally regrouped my physical, mental and spiritual well-being. I'm not ashamed of the path I took because now it all makes sense and validates where I am today.

I have a small circle of friends but the ones I do have are rock solid brothers and sisters from another mother and that includes the comrades I have met from different countries throughout this war. I have excellent connections in the Netherlands, Germany, Georgia (the country), the UK, and Australia.

Anyway the point of my story is to just share more of my personal struggles, my experience, where I'm at and where I'm going. This IS a spiritual war, this IS biblical and this IS historical. It's the greatest time ever to be alive.

My life has turned a complete 180° although I don't have anyone special to share my life with I feel it is still complete, I'm happy, I have another motorcycle and a nice vehicle, a roof over my head and the blessings just keep coming. Throughout all the shit this old soul has been through I will say this: "It doesn't matter what material bullshit you have in life it's not going to make you happy if you don't have yourself. If you lose yourself, you have nothing, even if you have everything."

- My name is Terry, I was banned from Fakebook, I had a Twitter account for 6 months before being tossed off there. I had a Tumblr account for years until Trump was elected, then I was deactivated, opened another account/deactivated, so I opened another account... Boom 💥 deactivated a again. So I opened a 4th account only to be booted again but I fought them this time. As that battle continued for 8-10 months. Meanwhile I opened a 5th account which is what I use here. 10 months later I won the battle to get my 4th account reactivated which is called constantly-deactivated (now my backup account.)

Stay positive, never surrender and for God's sake... "TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF" Don't ever lose yourself, self care is important especially NOW.

We're nearing the end of this show and remember... 👇

Never give up on yourself, keep climbing thos stairs. 🤔

I care deeply about humanity surviving, you have no idea what you really are. You are the universe, seriously 💫

I Love you all. 💜

[folkwhore1998]

All I do is try try try

I will literally never forget the first time I listened to folklore. I went for a walk around the pond outside in my neighborhood and it was cold as hell. It was such a vibe you guys. I would do anything to be able to listen to this album again. Take me to the ponds where all the poets went to die.

It is so different than anything else Taylor Swift has ever done honestly. I feel it is the lyricism of Last Kiss and All Too Well but they were introduced to depression and anxiety. Am I wrong? It is hard for me to say it is an album that divided our fandom because it brought in so many fans, but i also feel there are a lot of fans who prefer other albums over folklore.

I can totally see why and how folklore brought in so many new fans. #1 It is a completely new sound from Taylor (which is how I can maybe see why some people were divided) #2 We were all depressed during COVID and this album was a really good friend to so many people during this time. #3 It took people by surprise because there was no promo for the album. She just said "Here!" I think that there was a lot of curiosity that came with the release which brought in new listeners.

There are two songs on this album I will ride at dawn for: hoax and peace

YOU KNEW THE PASSWORD SO I LET YOU IN THE DOOR. YOU KNEW YOU WON SO WHATS THE POINT OF KEEPING SCORE? I'll admit, I was not always a hoax truther. It just didn't click. But one day I had the album on shuffle and there was a switch that was flipped in my brain and wow it is just so good. Like hello? DID YOU HEAR WHAT SHE SAID?

Peace is such a vulnerable song and we don't talk about that enough. It is like asking am I going to be good enough? but so much more than that. Taylor is a well loved celebrity and it isn't something she cannot change about herself. It is a major part who she is. "Will you accept the intrusive parts of myself and my life that I will never ever be able to change? I would literally die for you and I love your family as my own and I would do anything for you, but is my love enough? I'd also like to talk about epiphany. I personally don't relate to it a lot and I don't listen to it a lot, but I recently saw a video of someone saying "it's the worst song she's ever written" which absolutely infuriated me. Did I rank it last? Yes. I rank everything on how I personally connect with the song, not in terms of "I think this is a bad song." Just because I don't connect, does not mean it is a bad song. It is actually an incredibly deep song that I think resonates with a lot of medical professionals as well as people who lost loved ones during COVID. It talks about a loss so unfathomable or event so traumatic that you literally can't speak about it. And for someone to say it's the worst song she's ever written is honestly senseless and offensive and infuriating. (Respectfully)

☆ Fun fact: Whenever I am showing folklore to someone for the first time, I always play the LPSS version. The vocals are so raw and I feel like you can really feel the lyrics differently, and you can really hear what she just- which I find to be extremely important with this album.

Here are my rankings of

folklore:

illicit affairs

the 1

my tears ricochet

this is me trying

august

peace

betty

hoax

cardigan

mirrorball

the lakes

mad woman

seven

exile (the live version is a different story...one of her best performances)

invisible string

the last great american dynasty

epiphany

Folklore era favs:

lol

MAGICAL

actually sobbing. everything about this. they're all so appreciative and proud. sidenote: one of her best looks ever. dare I say it's my favorite?

no notes.

if you know, you know.

Yes.. I know we need to get through Fall, but it's never too soon to start planning. Taylor said so!

☆ Here is the direct link to the folklore cardigan Christmas ornaments pictured above:

☆ Here is the direct link to the folklore stocking pictured above:

@taylornation @taylorswift

[dbnightingale24]

You’ve Always Been My Dream

An Andy Barber One Shot

(Best friend’s Dad)

~~

~~

I promise that I genuinely mean it when I say that I’m going to update and finish all of my stories, but my brain never shuts up and I’m always coming up with new ideas, so now you all have this. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but I hope you all enjoy it. Jacob’s best friend falling for his dad? My brain couldn’t just let this be a simple ‘porn with a plot’ type of deal. Nope, we’re about to have a whole fucking saga. Enjoy!

Word Count: 40,641

Warnings: Family drama, Age gap, Swearing, Drinking, Infidelity, Drinking, Arguing, Fluff, Angst, Mentions of gambling, SMUT (MINORS GET AWAY), Unprotected Sex (reader is on birth control, but it’s not mentioned), Daddy kink, hints of BDSM, Anxiety, Depression, Sexual assault (teacher makes a move without consent),...I’m sure I missed something, but I can’t think of it right now.

@fuckingbye​, thank you for my kick ass mood board! I love you so much! Also, looking forward to the next time I can tackle you with a hug and not let go.

Song(s) That Inspired This Story: How Do I Make You Want Me? (And Make It Last Eternally?)

Summary: You didn’t expect to be a staple in Jacob’s life, and with the way Laurie kept Andy on a leash, you NEVER expected to become a staple in Andy’s life. However, life has a way of turning things around and changing everything you thought you knew.

I do not give consent/permission for my stories/ works to be posted elsewhere. I do not condone this type of behavior, this is for entertainment purposes only.

~~

“You never come over anymore,” Jacob scoffs as drives you home from a night out with him and Sarah.

“I just have a lot going on,” you defend, looking out the window as you fidget with your fingers.

“Did something happen? Did my mom do something?”

“What? No! Nothing! I really just am busy. I know I’m not in college like you and Sarah, but I still have a job.”

“No, I know that...you know what I mean, Y/N. You used to come over all the time-”

“I didn’t even start coming to your house till I was 17.”

“And from 17-22, you would come over all the time. Now, getting you to come over is like pulling teeth.”

“I just...I don’t want to get too comfortable with your family. We come from two different worlds and-”

“You know my parents love you.”

“It’s not that it’s just...it’s really easy to get caught up in the world of the Barbers, and I don’t want to do that. Your parents automatically include me in everything, spend money on me as if it’s not a big deal, and I just...I need to remember my place.”

“So you’re mad at my parents for having money?”

“Jacob, why are you giving me a hard time about this?”

“Because I miss hanging out with my best friend!”

“You can hangout with me anywhere!”

“It’s easier for us to hangout at my parent’s house, cause I have a shit tone of papers to work on, and the last thing I need is a distraction.”

“Jacob-”

“If something happened, you know you tell me,” he says with a sincere sigh as he pulls up to your Mother’s house.

“I know I can, but nothing did happen. I’ll come over tomorrow after I get off work, okay?” you mutter in pure annoyance and defeat as you look out the window and see your Mother’s car isn’t in the driveway. “I wonder what club she’s at tonight.”

“How is it that she has time to go out all the time, but no time to find a fucking job?” Jacob questions, and it’s not hard to spot the disdain in his voice.

“Well, ya see, when my Father left, he was nice enough to leave some of the money he won. Why work when you can go to a club and find a nice rich man to bankroll you?”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine. Everyone in my fucking family sucks, no big deal. I’ll be out by the end of the month, which is less than a week away.”

“It’s still fucked up.”

“Jacob, I’m not going to sit here and stomp my feet about it. We went from being dirt poor, to having entirely too much money, to both of my parents showing their true colors. I don’t care, I just want to get away from all of this shit.”

“Does he at least try and see you?”

“Every fucking weekend.”

“You should at least talk to him.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Y/N-”

“He won his money, bought this house, got a new little girlfriend, moved out overnight, then served my Mom with divorce papers out of the blue. Divorce papers that your Father gave her. My dad can go fuck himself,” you spit.

“Have you told your mom you’re moving out?”

“No because fuck her.”

Jacob waits a beat before he says anything. “See? This is why you should come over more often! We have so much to talk about!” Jacob laughs and you chuckle softly.

“Tomorrow, I promise,” you smile before leaning over and giving him a small kiss on the cheek, “text me when you get home?”

“I always do.”

“Thanks for tonight, I need it,” you nod before getting out of his car.

You close the door and quickly make your way up the stairs, doing your best to avoid the Massachusetts chill, waiving once more at Jacob before disappearing inside the house.

“Hello?” you call out, knowing that you’ll be met with complete and total silence.

When no one answers, you roll your eyes with a scowl before heading into the kitchen and grabbing a bottle of vodka out of the freezer. You don’t bother to grab a glass, opting to just take the whole bottle before you make your way upstairs, and hide away in your bedroom. You’ll never tell Jacob, but hanging out with him always makes you feel small.

Well, that and what actually happened.

You take a swig from the bottle before laying down and thinking about the entirety of your friendship with Jacob, thus far.

“Hey, just ignore them,” you said as you nudged Jacob’s shoulder, trying to make him feel less humiliated because of all the attention.

“Everyone here thinks I’m a killer so-”

“I don’t,” you offer with a small smile, as you try and usher you both through the hallways of 10th grade.

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

“Because I know what it’s like to have people never be nice to you,” you smiled weakly. “The people of Newton are just as sweet as they are cruel.”

“You must be new here.”

“I know who you are, Jacob. Wanting a bully dead doesn’t make you a bad guy, it just makes you honest.”

“And you are?”

“I’m Y/N,” you smiled as the bell rang for third period.

“It’s nice to meet you,” he smiled sheepishly.

“You too,” you smiled, outstretching your hand to shake his.

From that moment on, you two were inseparable. You were 15, he was 16, but he was only older than you by a few months. The first handful of times he’d asked to come over and hangout, you’d told him no because you have work. You could tell he didn’t believe you, so one Monday, you decided to bring him along with you to the library. After that, his parents wanted you to start coming around, because ever since that day, Jacob started looking for a job.

“I don’t get why it’s such a big deal,” you laughed as you two walked to your locker “teenagers have jobs.”

“I don’t.”

“Yeah, but you also don’t like to leave the house. Besides, doesn’t Sarah have a job?”

“Why do you think they love her so much?”

“Well, for as honored as I am, you know why I have to work. I help pay the bills.”

“After-”

“After, I go home and finish up my homework.”

“Have you thought about college at all?”

“I don’t have good enough grades for a scholarship and there’s no way I can afford it, and continue to help out.”

“They’re grants and you can apply for loans-”

“So I can have to deal with years and years of debt? No thanks,” you scoffed as you two made your way to your way to the lunchroom.

“Well, there’s always-”

“Jacob, it’s fine, honestly.I’ll graduate from this hellhole and get a job as a temp or something. Eventually, I’ll move out of this stupid town and won’t have to think about any of this shit anymore...where’s Sarah?”

“We got into an argument.”

“Please don’t tell me it was over me again.”

“She just needs to spend time with you.”

“WE’RE JUST FRIENDS!”

“Hey, I’m sitting at the same table as you, no need to shout.”

“It’s just so infuriating. Besides, if she paid any attention to the rumors, she’d know you’re too young.”

“Yeah, you need someone around my dad’s age,” he smirked.

“Exactly,” you laughed, stealing a fry off of his plate.

Little did you know, that joke would come back to bite you in the ass later in life.

Nonetheless, Jacob convinced Sarah to go to lunch with you two. After just 5 minutes of being around you two, Sarah realized that she had absolutely nothing to worry about, and almost instantly fell into rhythm the debate you and Jacob had been having for weeks:

Which is better? French fries or mozzarella sticks, and why?

After that, things seemed to finally calm down. You went to school, you went to work, you came home, listened to your parents argue about money and whose fault it was that there was none of it, and you went to bed.

For as great as everything was, there was still one issue: you still hadn’t met Jacob’s parents.

“You didn’t come to my birthday over the summer-”

“I apologized for that.”

“I know, but my parents are starting to think I made you up.”

“Sarah can vouch for you on that.”

“Y/N-”

“Why do you need me to meet them? I don’t do well with parents.”

“Why not?”

“The moms hate me and the dads wanna fuck me. I tend to just stay away from parents. I barely talk to my own.”

“My parents aren’t anything like that and you know it.”

“Jacob.”

“You missed my birthday, you didn’t come over for the holiday party-”

“You’re not going to drop this until I agree to come over for your graduation celebration, are you?”

“Nope.”

“Ugh, fuck you, Barber.”

“June 16th at 1. Thank you,” he smiled before he walked off.

You knew you were paranoid, but the rumors always lived rent free in your head and the stares and judging glances never stopped.

There have been so many variations of what actually happened that day your 9th grade year, that you’re shocked you remember what actually happened. Yes, you do have a thing for older men, but you were never dumb enough to actually go after one. Your curves had come in by the time you were in 7th grade, which meant that it wasn’t hard for you to catch anyone’s eye. So, it came as no surprise when you caught the eye of your 9th grade History teacher, Mr. Matthews.

Everyone’s favorite teacher.

It didn’t matter that he had approached you first, it didn’t matter that you asked him to stop sending you unsolicited dick pics, and it didn’t matter that you pushed him off of you when he kissed you. What did matter was that your “friends” had heard you say multiple times that you couldn’t wait to get older so that you could date older men, it mattered that you were often referred to as one if the prettiest girls in school, and what mattered was that everyone knew you weren’t a virgin.

When you finally found the courage to go to the principle and tell her what happened, showing her all the pictures and texts, it didn’t matter that there was proof that you didn’t want it. What mattered was that you got everyone’s favorite teacher fired.

After that, your friends stop calling and coming around, dads started looking you over more often when they picked up their kids from school, and mothers didn’t want their sons dating “such a tramp” (as one mother so lovingly put it).  

Almost over night, you became a recluse. You worked as much as possible, you stayed in the library on your free periods, and when you weren’t too burnt out, you did your homework. By the time Jacob Barber came back to school, you had become such a recluse you barely paid attention to the fact that he was in your class. However, the site of someone shoving him into a locker and calling him a “murderous fucking psycho” broke your heart. You two bonded on being outcasts and bullied, and that’s how you two ended up being best friends.

“The Barbers seem like nice people, sweetheart,” your mother encouraged as she helped you style your hair.

“I just-”

“Listen, those fuck heads at the school are just that: fuck heads. Not everyone is going to see you in the light that they see you in. You didn’t do anything wrong-”

“I know I didn’t, but still.”

“Just relax, you’re gonna have a great time,” she reassured you as she placed her hands on your shoulders.

As luck would have it, Mr. Barber wasn’t there when you went to Jacob’s party. Jacob said he got called into work or something and that he wouldn’t be home until later. Laurie was unfailingly kind in her words and very welcoming, but her eyes told you differently. She would look you over and you knew she was trying to decide if you had been telling the truth all those years ago. You tried to talk yourself out of it, but the fact that whenever you came over Mr. Barber was always gone let you know that you weren’t being delusional.

But, you got over it.

Laurie was always nice to your face and she never stopped you from being friends with Jacob. As far as you were concerned, everything was fine for the most part.

Then, as fate would have it, your father hit the lotto of all things. He was quick to pack up the little bit that you all had and moved you all into a house only a few blocks away from the Barbers. You thought that would be the end of the arguing, but that somehow only made it worse. You kept hoping that they’d work it out, but one day you woke up and all of his things were gone. The next day, your mother answered the door to Andy Barber serving her divorce papers.

You practically lived in Jacob’s room for a month after that.

The only thing that made it worse? Your Father had been in a relationship with another woman for months. So, your Mother took the money that he left and decided to spend it on herself. You didn’t matter at all anymore. New purses, a new car, a shit ton of alcohol, new clothes, she just kept buying whatever she wanted and sleeping with whoever she wanted.

You were left to navigate through all of the bullshit by yourself.

You would have thought that with the news of what happened with your parents, and what your Father did, you would have found some favor with Laurie.

You didn’t.

While she started buying you things for the holidays and your birthdays (always signing them from both her and Andy), invited you over for holiday dinners, offered to let you throw celebrations for your birthday at the Barber household, but she still never wanted Andy around when you were there. Yeah, it hurt that she still didn’t trust you after so much time had passed, but you let it go. As long as you didn’t have to hear about her hating you, it was easy for you to pretend that she genuinely cared about you and that Andy was an extremely busy man.

See,the thing is, Laurie desperately wanted to like you but she just couldn’t.

You were kind, respectful, thoughtful, patient, and extremely caring. Yes, you loved Jacob and looked out for him when you two were out in public, but in a way, that made her even more wary. You never showed any interest in Jacob and he was completely wrapped up in Sarah. It didn’t help that half the time Jacob went out with you, he’d come home completely shit faced and alone. When she’d ask where you were in the morning, Jacob was always truthful and said “I don’t know, she went home with some guy she met at the bar.”

Yeah, Laurie wanted to like you, but just couldn’t bring herself to for a number of reasons, and you told yourself you were fine with it.

Until you overheard a conversation in their kitchen a year ago.

“Would you mind grabbing beers from downstairs?” Jacob asked as his eyes stayed glued to the screen in front him.

You don’t know how many times you’ve seen ‘Borat’ at this point, but you could quote it line for line. A talent you weren’t necessarily proud of.

“It’s your house.”

“It’s my parents house.”

“Even more reason for you to go and get it.”

“Y/N come on, this my favorite part!”

“You owe me, Barber,” you muttered before you got up and quickly made out of the room.

It’s not like you meant to creep downstairs, but you knew how Laurie felt about you, and Jacob had invited you over unannounced because he just wanted to hangout and was worn out from college.

You were more than ready to run into the kitchen then run back upstairs, but the voices you heard coming from the kitchen made you come to a complete stop.

“Laurie, this is fucking ridiculous! She’s our son’s best friend and I’ve never even met the girl!” Andy snapped in a hushed tone.

“You saw her at graduation!”

“That’s bullshit and you know it! The fact is you still have this idea about some stupid revenge!”

“Why wouldn’t you? And why not with her?! The whole town knows-”

“Jesus! She was a fucking child when that happened, and she very clearly didn’t-”

“She was a child then but she isn’t now!”

“Do you hear how fucking crazy you sound?!”

You leaned in a little bit more than you meant to and quickly took a step to regain your balance, but the floor creaked and you instantly knew you were found out, so instead of trying to run off in the other direction, you walked into the kitchen as if you’d just gotten there.

“Oh Y/N! How’s Borat?” Laurie smiled with a small laugh as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Same as its always is,” you chuckled awkwardly as you made your way to the fridge “sorry to interrupt though, Jacob just wanted me to grab a few beers.”

“As silly as it sounds, you’ve never met Andy! Andy meet-”

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” he smiled at you sincerely as he outstretched his hand.

“I get it, you’ve been extremely busy, it’s not a problem at all,” you smiled sheepishly before taking his outstretched hand and shaking it.

He didn’t look you over, he didn’t ogle you, and he didn’t give you a suggestive smirk. Instead, his eyes let you know that he was sorry. He knew you’d heard what they had been talking about and he felt embarrassed and awful.

It made your heart flutter just a little.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you,” you laughed awkwardly before letting go of his hand and opening the fridge, accidentally grabbing the entire six pack “I should get back to Jake.”

“Y/N, what you heard tonight-” Laurie started as you shook your head.

“I didn’t hear a thing,” you lied with a sincere smile before exiting and making your way back upstairs.

“What took you so long?” Jacob asked as you closed the door to his room.

“I finally got to meet your dad,” you chuckled nervously as you handed him a beer.

“It’s about fucking time,” he chuckled as he took the beer from you. “How’d that go?”

‘Well you know....me and parents.”

“Oh God, were they weird? Was he weird?”

“No, it was just me, like always,” you lied before almost completely downing an entire bottle of beer. “Hey, do your parents argue a lot?”

“All the fucking time,” he scoffed as if it were not a big deal.

“What about?” you questioned before you finished off your beer and grabbed a second; wasting no time in opening another one before you took a giant swig from it.

“Anything, honestly. My dad went through this really bad depression the summer before I met you. He was drunk every day, never wanted to leave the house unless it was for work...him and my mom were fighting a lot. Sometimes over me and sometimes over him and the secrets he decided to keep. Anyway, since then, they’ve been arguing about everything. For the last 3 or 4 years, they’ve been arguing about some girl.”

“Oh?”

“My mother swears that my father is out on some revenge quest with some young woman, and she lays into him about it every chance she gets.”

“Do you know who?”

“Nah, I just know she works at a library or something,” he shrugged.

You loved Jacob so much, but sometimes he could be a complete and total fucking idiot.

“Well,” you started before downing the entire second bottle “I’ve gotta get going.”

“What?!” Jacob exclaimed as he paused the movie. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, I just have to get back.”

“To what? You know she’s drunk at some club-”

“I have work tomorrow, Jake. At the library,” you muttered, hoping to drop the hint that you were the girl his parents had been arguing about for years.

“That’s not until the afternoon!”

“I’m working the full day, I need the money.”

“Y/N, did something happen down there?”

“I promise everything is fine,” you lied with a reassuring smile “I’ll call you when I get home.”

“At least let me drive you home.”

“It’s a short walk, I’ll be fine,” you laughed as you grabbed another beer and got up. “I’ll call you when I get home,” you repeated before you walked out.

You quickly made your way downstairs and practically ran out the door, pretending you didn’t hear Laurie when she called after you.

From that day on, you’ve barely ever stepped foot inside the Barber household. When you’d run into Laurie at the grocery store, you’d make polite small talk and pretend you didn’t know how little she actually thought of you, and you went out of your way to avoid Andy.

In Laurie’s defense, if you were her, you’d have anxiety about women trying to steal your husband all the time.

Besides the fact that he’s annoyingly good at his job, Andy Barber is insanely attractive. Girls throw themselves him, guys envy him, and you’d overheard a few women at school talk about how they changed their workout routines just so they could catch a glimpse of him swimming. Women wanted Andy and they didn’t try to hide it. So, when some young woman comes along, who’s never shied away from the fact that she likes older men, of course she threw all logic out the window and decided to keep her husband as far away as possible.

So, out of respect and not wanting to cause more stress for Jacob, you stayed away. The last time you saw him was the beginning of the month.

“I feel like you’re busier than usual,” Sarah commented as the three of you hung out in the living room.

Sarah was cuddled up against Jacob on one side of the sofa, and you were laid out on the other side, half paying attention to the movie playing.

“That’s because I am,” you groaned as she chuckled.

“Well, why don’t you slow up? The library can’t possibly need you as much.”

“I’m not working there anymore.”

“Oh? And why weren’t we told?”

“Because it’s a surprise!” you whined as they both start to laugh.

“Well,” Jacob started as he turned his attention towards you “now you have to tell us.”

“It’s a surprise!”

“Nope, we gotta know. It’s gonna bother us all night.”

“You both suck, I hope you know that,” you scowled as they both continued to laugh “I started working as a secretary at that advertising agency not far from the college.”

“Sloman and Brothers? Well look at you!” Jacob exclaimed. “The next time we all go out, dinner will be on you!”

“You say this as if I don’t have bills.”

“Your Mother is still making you help out?”

“No, I’m finally getting my own place.”

“SERIOUSLY?!”

“Yes,” you laughed as you felt his genuine happiness and love for you.

“That’s great, I’m happy for you,” Mr. Barber’s voice came from behind, which caused you to jump and sit straight up.

“I thought you guys were gonna go out for dinner,” Jacob said casually, not paying to your complete change in your demeanor.

Sarah did though.

“Change of plans,” Laurie smiled, but you could see irritation in her eyes. Whether it was towards you or Mr. Barber you couldn’t tell, but Jacob’s eyeroll let you know it was directed towards Mr. Barber. “Andy’s right though, Y/N. That’s amazing and we’re so happy for you.”

“Thank you,” you smiled awkwardly before you got up “but I should be going now.”

“What? The movie isn’t even halfway over!” Jacob protested.

“I know, but I do have work tomorrow, and I have to get boxes to start packing my stuff in, it’s not a lot but still.”

“Actually, Y/N is making a good point. I think I’m gonna head out. I can give you a ride back to your place.”

“What the fuck?!” Jacob snapped.

“Jacob!” Laurie reprimanded.

“Watch it, bud,” Andy warned.

“Jacob, it’s fine. You’re picking me up after work tomorrow, we’ll hangout then.”

“Yeah fine,” he huffed before standing up and giving her a small hug and a kiss on the lips. “I love you, let me know when you’re home safe, okay?”

“I always do,” she smiled at him.

“And you,” he nodded as he turned towards you “don’t start packing without me.”

“As if I have anyone else to call,” you teased with a soft small.

“Hey, finish up that paper. I know it’s a pain but you’re almost done and it’s due tomorrow,” Sarah reminded him and you sighed, knowing what was coming next.

“Jacob, we pay your tuition and you barely work.There’s no reason for that paper to not be done already,” Laurie snapped as Andy ran a frustrated hand through his hair.

“It’s almost done,” Jacob scowled.

“You shouldn’t be doing anything until that paper is done!”

“Stop it, Laurie.” Andy sighed

“Stay out of it, Andy!”

“Stay out of it? He’s my son too!” Andy shouted back.

“Okay, I’m gonna grab a fucking beer, then I’m going to work on this fucking paper. I love you both, enjoy your night cause I sure as shit won’t,” Jacob all but growled before storming out of the living room and into the kitchen.

“Um, bye Mr. And Mrs. Barber,” Sarah said sheepishly before heading out.

You followed right behind, giving them both a small wave. Jacob was about to have the night from hell and you felt awful.

“I shouldn’t have said anything, I feel like an asshole,” Sarah practically cried as you two got into her car.

“It’s not your fault, Laurie was angry the minute she set foot through the door. Whether it was with me or Andy-”

“Yeah, what’s going on there?” Sarah asked as she started her car.

“Something tells me you’re not taking me home, are we?” you groaned as you slumped down in the seat.

“Nope, we’re going to talk about this all of this over dinner.”

For the next hour, you told Sarah all about your friendship with Jacob and how Laurie had been silently against it from the beginning, but would never say anything about it to your face. When you told her about the conversation you’d overheard between her and Andy a year ago, she was understandably pissed.

“She seriously believes that you seduced Mr. Matthews?” she snapped.

“I honestly don’t know if she believes I did or that if she’s just afraid that now that I’m older, I’ll go after Andy. Mind you, tonight’s the second time I’ve ever seen the fucking man.”

“Wait, what?”

“Laurie makes sure to keep him out of the house and away when she knows I’m coming over. The first night we finally fucking met was an accident. Jacob invited me over to watch ‘Borat’ and didn’t tell Laurie first. Hence the quiet argument in the kitchen.”

“That’s such fucking bullshit! I mean, I kind of had an idea that something was wrong when he told me that his parents had been fighting about a girl that worked in a library, I kinda assumed it was you, but I had no idea it was this fucking ridiculous. I’m gonna take a guess and assume that Jacob knows nothing about this?”

“Of course not. I’ll never tell him about the conversation because it’ll only make things worse for him at home, but he’s never going to put the library thing together,” you scoffed as the waiter dropped off the second round of drinks.

“Yeah, I love the man, but he can be so clueless at times,” she chuckled before taking a sip of her margarita. “Can I ask you something? And please don’t take it as-”

“You can ask me anything, Sarah,” you laughed.

“Do you have a crush on Mr. Barber? I mean, I know you find older men attractive and-”

“I don’t know the man,” you laughed with a shrug “I mean, I’m not blind; the man is gorgeous, but that doesn’t mean I have a crush on him. Would I have a one night stand with him? Who wouldn’t? However, he’s married and Jacob’s dad, and I’d never put Jacob through more hell than hes already been through.”

“You really do love him, don’t you?”

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him,” you smiled softly.

“Have you tried dating guys our age?”

“Yeah, and it sucked,” you chuckled. “I don’t know, I just don’t have anything in common with guys our age.”

“There’s Jacob.”

“Yeah, but I don’t feel that way towards Jacob. You know that.”

“No, I’m saying that if you can have fun and enjoy someone our age, the way you do with Jacob, why not try it with someone else and try out dating them?”

“I’m just always bored with guys our age, I don’t know how to explain it. The conversation is boring, the sex is bad, and there’s no spark. Just a dull fucking flame,” you muttered before taking a sip of your Mai Tai.

“Are you the type of woman who calls a man ‘Daddy’?” she giggled.

“Only if he works for it,” you smirked as she burst out laughing.

The rest of the dinner went great and you told Sarah (and yourself) that would all be sorted soon enough.

You’re just hoping and praying that you’ll be able to keep Jacob in the dark long enough until you get out.

Your mother coming home and giggling at something the guy who brought her home says, pulls you out of your thoughts. You take another giant swig from the bottle before closing it; settling under your covers and quickly finding your way to sleep land.

It can’t always rain...right?

**

The hard knock on your front door brings a smile to your face and you run downstairs to answer it, happy to finally get the fuck out of the hellhole your father purchased.

Also referred to as a house.

“Okay, so basically everything is packed and...oh?” you stop when you open the door and see Jacob standing there...with Andy.

“Yeah,” Jacob laughs as he makes his way inside “it’s Saturday and he has nothing better to do. Wasn’t hard to convince to help me move a few desks.”

“Where’s Mrs. Barber?”

“Oh, she’s out to lunch with some friends. When’s your mom gonna be back?”

“She’ll be gone all day. Apparently the last guy she brought home really stuck,” you scoff before turning to Andy “thank you. I really appreciate it.”

“Anytime,” he smiles at you. “How many desks are we moving?”

“2 desks, 2 drawers, and 1 closet.”

“And how you were you two planning on doing that alone?”

“Hope, Mr. Barber. A lot of hope,” you smirk as he laughs.

Jacob and Andy are quick to grab the desks, drawers, and closet, while you finish boxing up the last few things you have. It’s sad that you don’t even feel a little upset about leaving. You only feel relief.

Andy volunteers to drive the moving truck, while Jacob drives his car and you drive your own.

And just like that, you’re all moved out. It’s like you were never even there.

“Y/N, this place is amazing!” Jacob exclaims as the three of you make your way inside your new place.

“I still can’t believe it’s mine,” you snort.

“I’m so happy for you!”

“I’ll be happy once I deal with my mom. God knows how long it’ll take for her to figure out that I’m gone,” you mutter.

“Hey, lets not worry about that right now. Lets get you moved in,” he smiles at you, and you can’t help but smile back.

As you all unloaded the truck, you take notice of how much Jacob is checking on Andy, and how hard he’s working to make him laugh and smile. You also notice how upset and worn out he seems, even though he tries to hide it.

“Hey,” you call to Jacob after Andy steps out, going to get another box “what’s going on with you?”

“Nothing,” he lies with a soft chuckle “just excited-”

“Jake, you know better.”

“I don’t wanna dampen your day.”

“You not telling me will dampen my day, cause I’ll be worried.”

“I wish they’d get a fucking divorce already,” he sighs, leaning against the wall.

“Who? Your parents?”

“All they fucking do is fight, and if my mom’s real pissed, she takes it out on me. I don’t see the point of them staying together anymore, because it really is just for show at this point. I don’t even know why she’s so mad all the time. She’s been angry ever since everything happened and it just feels like it never went away. The only reason I even fucking stayed home for college was to lookout for him. Remember I told you about the really bad depression he went through a little while back?  He was always drunk, never left the house, cried a lot? She would just...she holds all these fucking grudges. Things she needs to let go of, but refuses to. He stays because he loves her and he feels like he owes me something.”

“Are you mad at him?”

“I mean...I was. Everything was happening at once, I was on trial for murder, and I was just a kid. I was angry, but I got older and I understood. My dad’s not a bad guy. He loves the shit out of me and my mom, and he cares about people in his own way. No, he isn’t some patron saint, but he they’re people with far worse dads than mine. A good example? His own dad. I don’t know, he just doesn’t deserve this.”

“Be that as it may, you can’t make yourself miserable over the problems of two grown adults.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“We’re standing in the middle of my brand new apartment. I am one to talk, babe,” you smirk at him and he laughs softly. “Listen, I really don’t anything about your dad other than that he loves the hell out of you. He wouldn’t want you making yourself miserable for all of this, and you can’t make him leave your mom. It has to be a decision he makes on his own.”

“I just feel guilty.”

“Trust me, I completely understand, but there’s really nothing more you can do besides be there for him when he needs or wants to talk. You don’t have to stay in that house to do that.”

“I hate it when you’re right.”

“So...all the time?”

“Fuck you,” he laughs as you wrap in him in a hug.

“It’s gonna be okay, Jake.”

“Thank you.”

“Always,” you smile as you two break apart.

“Forgot my phone, I have a call to make,” Andy chuckles with a shake of his head as he makes his way back into your apartment,

You two make eye contact for a split second, but it’s long enough to let you know that you heard everything that was just discussed.

Fuck.

He doesn’t say a thing about it and acts as if he didn’t hear anything, but you still feel bad. You hope and pray that he doesn’t think that you’re coming off as judgmental and rude, because that’s the last thing you want. You just want to be there for Jacob because he needs it. All he has (outside of his parents) are you and Sarah, and you want to make sure that he knows that he can have better if he really wants to.

So can Andy.

By the time all the boxes and furniture are setup, you’re all beat.

“I feel like I should buy you both dinner,” you smile halfheartedly at the Barber men who just laugh in response.

“We should be buying you dinner,” Andy retorts.

“No! You both spent your Saturday helping me move in! It’s the least-”

“You’re a young woman moving into her first apartment on her own, with no help from anyone, and at a young age. It’s a big deal. What’s your favorite place to get food from?” Andy asks with a sincere smile.

You ignore the butterflies in your stomach as you focus on the correct answer to his question. “Um, you know the Chinese place not too far from your job? Great Dynasty?”

“I love that place! They have the best dumplings!”

“They do!”

“Should I step out while you two have a moment?” Jacob laughs and you flip him off.

Andy takes everyone’s order, and you laugh when the both of you almost end up getting the same thing, and Jacob promises to be the one to pick it up since Andy ordered. You find your record player easily enough and pull out your favorite The Clash album, before asking the both of them what they want to drink.

“Keep in mind, you both have to drive,” you smirk as you pour yourself a glass of whiskey.

“You like the Clash, you favor whiskey, you have great taste in Chinese food, and you love black and white movies?”

“And how would you know that I love black and white movies?” you chuckle as you cock an eyebrow.

“Jacob has a big mouth,” Andy mumbles.

“You make me watch them all the time!” Jacob defends.

“And how many times have I had to sit through ‘Borat’? I don’t wanna hear it,” you shoot back before sticking your tongue out at him.

“This is turning out to be a lot more fun than I thought it would be,” Andy laughs “do you have bourbon?”

“I raided my mom’s liquor cabinet, so I have everything,” you smile before turning to Jacob “except beer.”

“Why are you always against me?” he grumbles as you and Andy burst out laughing. “I’ll go buy some and by the time I’m back, the food should be just arriving.”

“You can calculate time when it comes to school, but in high school...”

“Watch it,” he warns and you giggle.

“Either of you want anything?” he questions, grabbing Andy’s car fob off the kitchen island.

“Chips and salsa, please,” you smile at him.

“You can’t live off chips and salsa.”

“Watch me,” you smirk and he chuckles “and wear your damn seat belt.”

“Jake!” Andy snaps.

“It’s only sometimes!” he quickly counters before turning to you “traitor.”

“You shouldn’t be driving around without it!”

“I swear, you’re such a mom,” he scowls before turning his attention back to Andy “you be nice to her.”

“I’m always nice, it’s your mother you have to worry about,” Andy mutters and you almost choke on your whiskey.

“Fair point,” Jacob scoffs before walking out.

Leaving you all alone with Andy Barber.

“Well, this is awkward,” Andy smirks and a small giggle escapes your lips as you pour him a drink.

“Only a little bit.”

“Listen, about Laurie-”

“You don’t have to-”

“I do, because you don’t deserve to feel like you’re the problem, cause you’re not. I know that you heard what she said that night and I’m sorry. It was...rude, disgusting, and wrong. You’ve been nothing but a great friend to Jacob, and I don’t know why...you were a child-”

“I’m not one now,” you scoff with an eye roll before taking a sip of your drink.

“Is it bad that this is the third time I’ve seen you and I feel terrible?”

“You have no reason to feel terrible. Honestly, neither does Laurie. I see how women look at you and how they talk about you, and then there’s me: your sons best friend, with a reputation. Whether it’s true or not, doesn’t matter because the seed has already been planted. She’s just trying to-”

“She’s trying to make sure I don’t do to her what she did to me,” he mutters before he can stop himself. He quickly looks at you with shock in his eyes “forget you heard-”

“I won’t tell Jacob,” you tell him reassuringly, but your heart breaks a little and he can tell.

“She only did it the one time, it was after the trial and she had her doubts and reservations. She’s not a bad-”

“You don’t have to explain yourself or your marriage to me. You see my family, I’m not about to start throwing stones.”

“I just don’t want you to think the worst of her. I heard what you told Jacob-”

“I wasn’t trying to tell him to abandon you-”

“No, I know, I just...you’re right, he can’t fix what’s wrong between Laurie and I. I wish I had known he stayed just for me. I would’ve told him to go to Yale. Did you know that he was accepted into Yale?”

“He was accepted into a lot of colleges. He read and showed me every single acceptance letter.”

“If I’m honest, I thought he stayed for you. I’ve always believed he’s in love with you.”

“Everyone seems to think that. We’re just friends though. I should want to be with him, but it’s just not...he’s not my type.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“Nothing,” you laugh before taking another sip of your drink “I’m not his type either. We’re best friends.”

“I can’t imagine you not being someones type....I don’t mean to be-”

“You’re fine,” you chuckle softly.

“You’re oddly calming to talk to.”

“Jacob always says that.”

“So,” he starts as he clears his throat, taking a seat “I feel like I have a lot to learn about you.”

“There’s really nothing to know,” you laugh “I have two friends, I don’t talk to my parents much, I work a lot, I tend to drink a bit too much at times, I have a horrible sleep schedule, I drink entirely too much coffee, I love to cook, I laugh entirely too loud when I think something is funny, and I cry every time I watch ‘Titanic’,” you finish with a smile before finishing off your drink and pouring yourself another glass as Andy laughs.

“I’m sure there’s more to you than that.”

“I’m as plain as they come.”

“Well, I guess I’ll just have to pay closer attention and find out for myself.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“Where does Mrs. Barber think you are? Couldn’t help but notice that you weren’t there on Tuesday.”

“She thinks I’m working,” he sighs as finishes off his own drink and pouring himself another. “I feel awful-”

“Why? You haven’t done anything wrong. You didn’t say it, she did.”

“I should’ve stood up to her.”

You take a minute before you speak. “Mr. Barber-”

“Andy. Please call me Andy. ‘Mr. Barber’ makes me feel like an old man. Just because I am one doesn’t mean I wanna feel like one.”

“You’re not old but okay,” you chuckle softly “Andy, I don’t wanna overstep, but...you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. You don’t owe anyone anything. Jacob talks about you all the time, you’re his hero. You did what you thought was best and I can’t fault you for that. Hell, I wish no one knew about what my dad did and all it was, was cheat and be an asshole. I just...from the way Jacob talks about you, how hes always talked about you...you shouldn’t have to put yourself through hell to feel like you’re a good man,” you finish softly.

“How old are you?”

“I am in the middle of being 23 and it’s a fucking doozy,” you chuckle and he laughs.

“Jacob’s lucky to have a friend like you.”

“He’s also lucky to have you as a father,” you smile at him, as the record comes to an end. “Any requests?”

“You may hate them but...Alice in Chains?”

“They’re my favorite band in the world, so you’re in luck,” you practically squeal as you make your way over to your record box.

You two spend the rest of your time alone together talking about music and movies, laughing and bonding over how alike you two are, but the minute Jacobs steps foot into your apartment, you change the subject. You know you have nothing to be ashamed of, but it just feels personal and like you both shouldn’t be saying anything in front of him.

From that moment on, you and Andy decide that whatever you two decide to talk about is between you two. You have private phone calls with him, you two text all the time, and you both FaceTime often. No, you’re not trying to lure Andy Barber in, but talking to him is so freeing and honest. He’s fun to talk to and it’s not like you talk to a lot of people to begin with.

“Lets grab drinks,” Andy says from the Bluetooth device that’s connected to your car.

“You know we can’t,” you laugh as you press on the brakes as you reach a stoplight.

“I hate talking about all of this shit over the phone.”

“Yeah well, Laurie will hate you and lay into Jacob because of it.”

“This is so dumb.”

“You could get a divorce.”

“Then hangout with you so she can hate you?”

“She already hates me, Andy. Who cares?”

“I do.”

“Andy.”

“It’s not fair to you, and it pisses me the fuck off.”

“Well, you’re sweet,” you smile before grabbing your phone, switching it back to personal use, turning your car off and getting out “but I’m fine.”

“Well, I’m not. Am I an idiot? You’re an adult and so am I. We should be able to hangout without having to deal with anyone’s shit.”

“Without Laurie’s shit.”

“We’re not doing anything wrong.”

“She won’t see it that way...shit,” you groan as you get to your apartment, seeing Andy leaning against your door.

“I wanted to see you,” he says simply as he hangs up.

“Why did you even suggest drinks if you were already here?”

“I knew you’d say no.”

“Andy-”

“A good conversation isn’t cheating,” he reassures you. “She doesn’t know I’m here and I’ll never tell her.”

“Isn’t that a problem in and of itself?”

“It’s only a problem because-”

���Andy.”

“If you tell me to go, I’ll leave right now,” he promises sincerely.

How are supposed to tell him no? How are you supposed to turn him down?

Somehow, you’ve become Andy’s therapist and best friend. It’s not like you two do much of anything besides talk, and you only see every other week. Of course Andy is attractive, and you aren’t going to lie and say that it isn’t nice to have someone to talk to who you feel like actually gets it, but at the end of the day, he’s Jacob’s dad and Laurie’s husband. You refuse to cross that line.

“How was work?” he asks, pouring you both a drink as you go into your room to change.

“I’d like, for once in my life, to not be fucking looked at like I’m a fucking sex doll,” you scowl as you pull on sweatpants then your Boston University crew neck.

“You can tell your boss.”

“Complain to my boss about my boss? No thanks,” you sigh as you step back out into the living area, making your way over to the kitchen.

“You could just quit.”

“Then how would I pay for this nice apartment?”

“You’re extremely smart and talented, I’m sure you’d be able to find another job in an instant.”

“You are annoyingly kind,” you smile as you take a seat at the kitchen island. “Where does she think you are tonight?”

“Work,” Andy responds nonchalantly as he passes you your drink.

“Andy.”

“Would you like for me to call her and tell her that I’m here?”

“I would like for you to get a divorce.”

“I owe her-”

“You don’t owe her shit, Andy.”

“If you’re against her so much-”

“I’m not against her, I’m against you feeling like you need to pay penance.”

“Y/N-”

“Do you still love her enough to go through all of this?”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Andy, how old are you?”

“42...about to be 43.”

“That explained so much so fast,” you chuckle before taking a sip of your drink. “You’re still young. You can leave Laurie, find someone new, and not feel like you have to hide your friendships or who you really are.”

“She just needs time.”

“How much more time does she need? Andy, you’re not that guy. Don’t be that guy.”

“What about you? I don’t see you making-”

“Y/N!” Jacob called from the other side of your door.

You and Andy both exchange panicked looks as you hear him put the key you gave him into the keyhole. Andy quickly runs into your room as you down his drink and put it into the sink.

No one is doing anything wrong, so you’re not sure why the both of you feel so guilty.

“Why didn’t you answer?” Jacob asks as he makes his way inside.

“I was mid sip,” you laugh awkwardly.

“You’re wearing the crew neck I got you.”

“Gotta support my favorite guy,” you smile at him “what’s up?”

“I have a question and I don’t want you to freak out.”

“Well, now I am freaked out,” you mutter before taking a sip of whiskey.

“It’s not anything bad, I just...it’s...do you think...Christ, why can’t I find the words?!”

“Just spit it out.”

“Do you think I’ll be moving too fast if I propose to Sarah?” he spits out all at once.

“Well...shit.”

“I’m gonna talk to my dad about it, but I tell you everything, so I wanna run it past you first.”

“I mean, you two have been together forever and you love the hell out of each other....have you two even talked about getting a place together?”

“We’ve been looking at apartments, but we haven’t decided on anything yet.”

“Well, I 1000% think you two should get married, but you need a game plan. I’ve known you long enough to know that you don’t have one.”

“Well, where should I start?”

“For one, graduate first. I would imagine that planning a wedding and trying to graduate at the same time is annoying and stressful as hell. Next, decide on a place to live. I know you two have had a million sleepovers, but it’s not the same as actually living together.”

“Sarah could be the worst fucking roommate ever and I’d still propose. After all the shit shes had to put up, and all the shit we’ve been through...I love her so fucking much, Y/N.”

“I know you do, Jake,” you smile at him.

You can only imagine the smile on Andy’s face right now.

“Okay, graduate first, move in together, then propose. Got it. Graduation isn’t that far off anyway.”

“Aw, look at my little adult,” you beam and he flips you off.

“Will you go with me to pick out a ring? It’ll be me, you, and my dad...well, if he says yes.”

“You know he will,” you laugh softly “what about your mom?”

“Eh.”

“Eh?”

“I just feel like she’ll be a dark cloud. She’s so fucking moody lately, her and my dad have been arguing a lot, and she’s been a real ass to me.”

“Jacob.”

“Don’t. It’s fucking hell living in that house, and part of that is because of her and how she is. I don’t know what her fucking problem is, but I’m tired of always getting shit on because she’s having a bad day. I wish I never wrote that fucking story. She’s always going to think I’m a monster and she’s always going to be bitter about the fact that everyone looked at her as a bad parent.”

“She loves you, Jacob. I don’t have many talks with her, but the few that I’ve had, she loves. She may fuck up from time to time, but what parent doesn’t?”

“When’s the last time you spoke to yours?”

“We’re not talking about me,” you mutter as you down the rest of your drink before pouring yourself another one.

“I don’t get why I have to make nice with my mom, but you don’t have to with yours.”

“It took her a month to realize I moved out, Jake. Laurie would notice in a second.”

“Y/N-”

“Also, once she realized I moved out, she called me crying and bitched me out. She said I abandoned her just like my father did, even though it took her a fucking month to realize I was even gone. As for my dad, he’s getting married and wants me to be supportive. He told me that he didn’t abandon me, but he just needed to start over because too much had happened. So, that’s why you need to make nice with your mom and I don’t have to make nice with mine.”

“I didn’t mean...I���m sorry,” he sighs as he leans against the the kitchen island. “Ya know, I really fucking hate your parents,” he scowls and you laugh. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“There’s nothing to talk about. Both of them are selfish assholes,” you shrug. “There’s nothing more to it.”

“You’re a liar but I won’t press the matter. I gotta go though, I’m having dinner with Sarah and her family. I’ll text you later, I love you,” he smiles before leaning across the island and kissing your cheek.

“I love you too, Jake,” you smile as he goes to leave. “Wear your damn seat belt!”

“Jesus, yes mom!” he call over his shoulder before walking out and closing the door behind.

“Holy shit!” Andy beams as he steps out of your room and you burst out laughing. “He wants to propose! I’m so fucking....holy shit!”

“And he’s gonna come to you for advice soon,” you smile at him before taking his glass out of the sink and pouring him a drink.

“Why did you drink it?” he laughs.

“I panicked!”

“Why?”

“Why did you go running into my bedroom?”

“I’ve never seen it before,” he smirks and you let out a small laugh. “You know, you’re really good with him.”

“Who? Jacob? What do you mean?”

“You always know the right thing to say and how to calm him down. I forget that he’s the older one.”

“Jacob just needs patience and understanding. Just take your time with him and he’s fine. He’s a great guy, he’s just a little dark at times. We all are,” you shrug.

“Your parents-”

“Guess what I don’t wanna talk about?”

“Talk to me, Y/N. I’m not Jacob, I will push.”

“Why? It’s not a big deal. I’m fine.”

“No you’re not.”

“And how would you know?”

“Cause I know you. Talk to me.”

“It just gets fucking irritating. They’re both adults but neither of them acts like it. I’m fine not talking to them, my life is much less hectic, but it would be nice to actually have parents instead of always having to be the parent,” you sigh before finishing your drink and slamming the glass down.

Andy says nothing as he rounds the island and slowly makes his way over to you. He wraps his arms around you tight and you swear it’s the best hug you’ve ever gotten.

All of Andy’s hugs make you feel like you’re home.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly. “You deserve so much better from everyone and I’m just so sorry. I’m sorry I can’t make it better for you.”

“I’m just tired. I’m so fucking tired,” you sob into his chest, wrapping your arms around him.

“I know you are, honey.”

“I’ve been doing everything all the time and I’m just ready for a fucking break. I just...ugh! I’m sorry.”

“Hey, don’t you dare be sorry. I vent to you all the time about everything. You can cry to me whenever you want about anything.”

“This isn’t your job. I shouldn’t be-”

“Y/N, you don’t have to be strong all the time. I want to be there for you like you’re always there me for me. If there’s anyone who deserves a good friend and someone to lean on, it’s you,” he tells you softly as he gently rubs your back.

If Andy Barber were anyone else, he’d be perfect for you. However, he’s not yours and you need to remember that.

“Are you staying for dinner?” you sniffle as you let go of him.

“Do you want me to?”

“I always want you to stay,” you scoff without even thinking. Mortification runs through your body as you realize what you just said. “I just mean-”

“You’re fine,” he chuckles. “What do you want? I’ll cook.”

“I’ll cook.”

“You need to relax.”

“I actually like cooking,” you laugh.

“Y/N-”

“How about we cook together?”

“A fair compromise,” he smiles at you.

After going through everything in your fridge and freezer (which really isn’t much), you both decide that something simple is the best choice. You make cheeseburgers and french fries in a happy silence, while The Doors play quietly in the background on your record player. You’ve never realized just how at ease he makes you feel until this moment.Everything feels so normal and simple.

You’re happy.

“Okay, what do you wanna watch?” you ask as you two sit on your sofa.

“I chose last time.”

“You’re a guest.”

“No, you just don’t like making decisions.”

“You’re annoying,” you tease and he chuckles. “How about...’Vivacious Lady’?”

“I don’t think we’ve watched that one yet.”

“Then ‘Vivacious Lady’ it is!”

Halfway through the movie, his phone rings and he rolls his eyes when checks it before ignoring it and putting it down.

“Andy-”

“She can wait.”

“She’s gonna get pissed.”

“She’s always pissed.”

“She’s gonna think you’re cheating.”

“She always thinks I’m cheating.”

“Andy-”

“I’m happy right now, Y/N. So fucking happy. I just want to enjoy it a little bit longer before I have to go home and deal with whatever bullshit she has waiting for me this time.”

“Why do you stay with her? You’re not happy, Jake isn’t happy-”

“Do we have to get into it now?”

“Yes.”

“I’m just...before Jacob’s trial, we were so happy. I don’t know, maybe it was all fake because she never knew the truth about my past. She fell in love with the version of myself that I made up so I could forget about my past. It’s really fucking hard to accept that it’s over. Yeah, she says she loves me and she wants to make it work, but I don’t know how much I believe it. Yeah, we both make good money, but I’m the DA. That title still has some pull around here and people are nice to me just because I’m Andy Barber. She likes that. She likes it a lot. I keep holding on to hope that we’ll get back to how we were, but I just...I don’t know. Saying “it’s over” and following through are two very different things. I guess I’m just in denial,” he sighs before downing the rest of his drink.

You pause the movie and turn to look at him. “Stop feeling like you owe her something-”

“Y/N-”

“Just hear me out,” you interrupt softly. “The argument can be made that mistakes happened on both sides, and yeah, fine. In that sense, neither one of you owes each other anything. However, you didn’t cheat, she did. You’re not keeping her on a tight leash out of fear that she��ll cheat on you like you did her; she is. You’re not the one taking your anger out on Jacob, she is, and you aren’t the one who gave up on the marriage. She is. So, why are you putting yourself through hell? What does it prove? That you’re willing to make yourself miserable for someone who you don’t love the same way you did before? Things happen, and sometimes things fall apart. You making yourself miserable isn’t going to change anything. You heard Jacob tonight. He wishes you two would get a divorce, and I think you do, too.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Because you’re here with me instead of at home with your wife,” you tell him softly.

Andy sighs before rubbing the back of his neck, “you’re annoyingly smart.”

“Yeah, Jacob says the same thing,” you smirk at him before resuming the movie.

“You know...you’re gonna find someone who’s gonna treat you right.”

“I’m not holding my breath,” you snort before finishing off your drink. “Do you want another?”

“Why don’t you think you’re gonna find a good man?”

“Do you want another drink?”

“Oh no, you don’t get rake me over the coals then decide you’re gonna shut down.”

“I’m not shutting down,” you mutter, reaching across him and grabbing his glass before getting up and grabbing your own and getting, making your way over to the island.

“Then what’s going on?”

“If I say it out loud, it’ll sound stupid and I don’t exactly want to feel stupid in front of you.”

“Why would it be stupid?”

“Andy.”

“Talk to me, honey.”

“I just...I know what people in this town think of me, okay? I don’t date guys my age, because they’re too immature for me. I don’t take the older guys I sleep with seriously, because I know they’re just looking for a good time. The few that I gave a fair shot to, got mad because I wasn’t some dumb young thing they could control. As long as I’m here, I’m never going to have anything real. That’s just...that’s how it is and it’s whatever. I fuck around from time to time and it gets me by.”

“Why did you think that would make you sound stupid?”

“Because I sound like a child.”

“Wanting to be loved doesn’t make you sound like a child. It makes you sound like a regular adult. A regular person. We all want to be loved.”

“Yeah well, you’re sweet.”

“I mean it, sweetheart. There’s nothing childish about wanting to be loved as you are, and for who you are. God knows you’ve more than earned it.”

“I just don’t like being vulnerable, you know that.”

“It’s me.”

“Especially with you.”

“What does that mean?”

“You can always see right through me and it just...sometimes, it feels like you know exactly what I’m thinking. I feel like...sometimes you know me better than Jacob.”

“You don’t like that?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“It’s getting late and you should go.”

“What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“No, you’re upset. What-”

“Andy, you didn’t do anything, honestly. I’m just...I wish there were more guys like you,” you smile softly. “Maybe then, I wouldn’t hate it here so much.”

“The feeling is mutual,” he quietly responds.

“We should call it a night. We both have work in the morning, Laurie’s already wondering where you are-”

“We were having a good night, and I feel like-”

“Don’t feel like anything, because you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just in a weird head space.”

“Why do I always feel like I put you in a weird head space.”

“Andy-”

“Am I doing something wrong? Did I make you uncomfortable?”

“Andy, you do everything right, and that’s the problem. I shouldn’t feel like you’re the guy doing everything right. I shouldn’t feel as comfortable with you as I do,” you confess softly.

“Do you want me to go?”

“No, and that’s why you should,” you almost sniffle.

Andy lets out a sorrowful sigh, and in a way, that makes you feel worse. He’s fighting off the same thing you are. You both know that the intimacy you both crave isn’t right. It’s not so much sexual as it personal. You want him to hold you until you fall asleep, and he wants to. You want him to pepper your cheeks with soft and loving kisses, and you can tell that he’s dying to.

You’re dying for Andy to be yours and he wants nothing more than that.

For now? You’ll just blame the alcohol and pretend you won’t remember in the morning.

“Let me know when you’re home, okay?” you ask as you both stand by your door.

“We can just pretend-”

“No...no we can’t. Lets just stop while we’re ahead,” you smile weakly, ignoring the pain in your heart.

This is the right the thing to do.

Andy stands there with outstretched arms, and you’re more than happy to make your way over to him as he engulfs you in one of the best hugs hes ever given you.

“You’re better than all the rest,” he whispers into your hair before kissing it and letting go of you, opening the door, and walking out.

In that moment, you decide to let go of all of the fantasies you’ve ever had about Andy Barber. He isn’t yours (even if he does divorce Laurie), he’s Jacob’s father, and he’s never going to see you as you see him. If anything, you’d just be a welcomed distraction and a fun time. So, you start seeing him less and come up with excuses as to why he can’t come over. You miss him like crazy but what’s the point? Why torture yourself (or him) over something that can never happen?

Everything works out well enough until December.

“Okay, so ya know how I said you, me, and Sarah are gonna have a movie this Friday night?” Jacob asks from the speakers of your car asks as you drive home.

“Yeah?”

“Well, I completely forgot that, that night is the holiday party at my dad’s job. Which, I usually don’t care about, but he’s getting an award and I wanna be there for him.”

“Aww, that’s great, Jake,” you smile as you come to a stop light. “We’ll reschedule for another day-”

“Well, I want you to come cause I still want to hangout.”

“I don’t even want think about the cost of-”

“You don’t have to! My mom isn’t going and I ran it past my dad, and he’s fine with it!”

“Why isn’t your mom going?”

“Who knows,” he scowls “they’ve been arguing a lot more lately. I’m pretty sure I heard him throw out the word ‘divorce’ at least three times last night, and she was crying and begging him not to. I’m fairly sure hes been sleeping on the sofa.”

“How’s the apartment search going for you and Sarah?”

“On hold for the holidays, but we think we found a place we wanna move into by February.”

“Good, get the fuck out of that house.”

“I try not to think about it, anyway, will you come? Sarah is more than happy to go shopping with you for a dress.”

“Jacob.”

“Please?”

“When is it?”

“This Friday.”

“Jacob!”

“You usually have Saturdays off!”

“Does it really mean all that much to you?”

“Don’t make me feel like an asshole about this.”

“Oh, now you feel like an asshole?”

“Y/N-”

“I...I’ll go,” you sigh as you pull into the parking garage of your complex.

“Don’t make it sound like a death sentence.”

“You have to sit by him and I’ll sit on the other side of Sarah.”

“Why can’t you sit by him?”

“I’m not married to him, nor am I related to him, and he’s the DA. Me sitting by him won’t look good.”

“I didn’t think about that. Yeah, you’re right. I’ll sit by him, Sarah will sit by me, and you’ll sit by Sarah.”

“Lovely.”

“Y/N-”

“I just need to wash off today, it was shitty and I’m tired.”

“If you’re this upset about it-”

“I’m not, I’ll see you Friday and please let Sarah know that I’ll text her later about dress shopping later.”

“Y/N-”

“It’s just been a really long day, Jacob.”

“I love you.”

“And I love you. Talk to you later?”

“Sounds good,” he sighs before hanging up.

You turn off your car and think things over for a bit before deciding on something you probably shouldn’t have.

“Well, look who it is,” Andy scowls after answering his phone.

“Why isn’t Laurie going to the party?”

“We got into an argument, she doesn’t want to go, and I do.”

“Why doesn’t she want to go?”

“I want to see you.”

“Andy.”

“Why are you staying away?”

“You know why.”

“We haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Have you told Laurie where you’ve been spending your time?”

“Why does she need to know?”

“Andy-”

“I miss you, Y/N.”

You sigh in defeat and run a hand through your hair, “I miss you too.”

“Let me come over.”

“What did you two argue about?”

“Let me come over and I’ll tell you all about it.”

“Andy.”

“Y/N.”

“Two hours, that’s it. After two hours, you have to go home.”

“Two hours it is,” is all he says before hanging up.

You don’t know why you have butterflies in your stomach as you make your way inside of the building and up to your apartment, but you can’t shake them. You’re not going to do anything (you never do anything with him). Simply being alone with him sets your body alight with passion and excitement.

You’re quick to change: the big, black, knitted wool sweater he seems to like you in and a pair of gray sweatpants. You hurry into the kitchen, grabbing one of the bigger wine glasses and filling it. You know you should’ve told him one hour instead of two, but you really do miss him. You miss him so fucking much.

You get halfway through the glass when you hear him knock on your.

“You should turn on the heater,” he says after you open the door, stepping aside to let him in.

“I did just get home from work,” you mutter, quickly closing the door.

“Yet you changed and have a full glass of wine.”

“Priorities,” you shrug.

“You’re gonna catch a cold,” he scolds as he makes his way over to the thermostat.

“Germs get you sick, not the cold.”

“Why the attitude?”

“Why isn’t Laurie going to the party?”

“Why do you need to know?”

“Why don’t you want to tell me?”

“Because you’ll get mad and I don’t want that.”

“Jacob said you threw around the word ‘divorce’ a few times.”

“That I did,”Andy sighs as he finally takes off his coat, leaving it on the coat rack he bought you as house warming gift, before making his way to the kitchen and making himself a drink.

“She won’t agree?”

“Nope.”

“Andy-”

“I don’t like not seeing you, Y/N.”

“You didn’t come over here for this, don’t start that shit,” you sigh, quickly regretting your decision to agree to see him.

“Why are you avoiding me?”

“You don’t wanna tell me about your argument with Laurie, I don’t wanna talk about this,” you shrug.

“Why are you arguing with me right now?!”

“Because you’re annoying, Andy!”

“I’m annoy-you’re annoying!”

“Then why are you here?!”

“Because I miss you!” he snaps, slamming his glass down.

You take a deep breath before finishing off your glass and making your way to your to kitchen and pouring yourself another glass. “Why isn’t she going to the party?”

“Will you just stop it? You miss me too.”

“Yeah well, I fucking shouldn’t.”

“Why not? We’re just friends-”

“Andy, just because I’m the younger one doesn’t mean I’m naive enough to be believe-”

“Don’t. Don’t you dare. You know I would never try to belittle you or think  less of you because you’re younger. That’s not fair.”

“Then why-”

“Because I know what can’t happen. You’re Jacob’s best friend and I know that what people think of you still bothers you. I wouldn’t ever do anything to make your life harder, especially while I’m still married. I would never ask that of you. So, we’re just friends. All we can be is just friends,” he finishes with a frustrated sigh.

You’re ready to tell him that he can do whatever he wants to with you, when your phone goes off.

You scowl in irritation (even though you know it’s for the best) as quickly make your way to the bedroom and answer your phone. “Hello?”

“We’re going dress shopping!!” Sarah squeals and you can’t stop yourself from laughing a little.

“That we are.”

“We never go shopping together, I’m so excited! What time should I pick you up tomorrow?”

“You don’t have to pick me-”

“Oh no, we’re making a day of this! Call in sick and then I’ll pick you up and we’ll spend the day shopping!”

“You are way too excited about this.”

“It’s gonna be so much fun! I feel like we haven’t spent a day together in so long!”

“I’ll text my boss tonight and tell him I feel like shit. He’s got a crush on me anyway, so I’m pretty sure I can get my way for a while.”

“Ah! This is perfect! Oh! Lets do brunch! I’ll pick you up at 12:30 and we’ll brunch first, then shop!”

“Sounds like a plan,” you laugh.

“Ugh, I can’t wait! This is gonna be so much fun! I’ll text you later, okay?”

“Sounds good, see you tomorrow?”

“Fuck yeah!” she squeals before hanging up.

You laugh to yourself before shaking your head. What the hell did you get yourself into?

“Wanna watch a movie with me?” Andy asks as you make your way out of your bedroom.

“We don’t have enough time for a movie.”

“Just stop. There’s no fucking time limit on this.”

“There should be.”

“Y/N-”

“Andy this isn’t right and you know it.”

“I miss watching movies with my best friend.”

“Laurie should be your best friend.”

“But she isn’t, not anymore,” he states softly, meeting you intense gaze. “Lets order dinner and watch a movie. I’m not going to do anything and you’re too good of a person to do anything. Lets just get sushi and enjoy the night.”

“You’re paying for the sushi,” you mutter, making your way to your little living area.

“Sounds like a plan,” he laughs softly, following right behind.

As you text your boss a bullshit excuse as to why you won’t be in tomorrow, you tell yourself that your Andy Barber fantasy is over, but it’s just a lie. Andy just basically admitted that he feels the same for you as you do for him, and it only makes you want him more. After you two finish dinner, he lets you choose the movie for the night, and you decide on ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ without hesitation.

One of your favorite movies.

You don’t know if it’s because of how much wine you’ve had, or how tired you are, but you find yourself cuddling up against him and not pulling away when he wraps his arms around you. You want, more than anything, to stay this way forever. Every so often, he presses soft kisses into your hair. and want so badly for him to kiss you everywhere else.

You’ve never felt so happy and safe and, at some point, you drift off .

“What’s happening?” you question lazily as you feel yourself almost floating, curling into Andy.

“It’s time for bed,” Andy chuckles softly.

“I don’t wanna go to bed.”

“Then you shouldn’t have gone to sleep.”

“Are you staying?”

“You know I can’t,” Andy sighs as he rests you down on the bed.

“I want you to,” you fuss as you get comfortable under the sheets.

“Don’t be difficult.”

“Then stay here.”

“You know I can’t,” he repeats as he gets off the bed.

“At least until I fall asleep?”

“I’d stay forever, if I could,” he tells you softly as he gets in next to you.

You turn over and hold him tight as you lay your head on his chest.

“Thank you,” you tell him softly as you quickly fall back into a state of unconsciousness.

“Anything for you,” he tells you softly, kissing the top of your head as he strokes your back softly. “I would do absolutely anything for you.”

**

When you wake up, you’re alone and somewhat heartbroken, and that irritates you. You already knew he wasn’t going to stay, and you know you can never be with the man, so why do you keep letting yourself fall for him more and more? Even if Andy was single, he’d still be Jacob’s dad. Jacob would never be okay with it, and you would never ask him to be.

You need to get over him.

“Hey, what’s up with you today, hun?” Sarah asks, pulling you out of your thoughts.

“Hmm?”

“You’ve been a million miles away since I picked you up,” she laughs. “You’ve barely touched your mimosa.”

“I just have a lot on my mind,” you laugh awkwardly before taking a sip.

“Care to share with the class?”

It sucks that your only other friend is your best friend’s girlfriend.

“You can’t say anything to Jacob,” you all but whisper.

“I won’t say a word.”

“I mean it, Sarah. You have to promise me.”

“I promise, Y/N. What’s wrong?”

“I...uh...I uh, think...I know I have a thing for And- I mean, Mr. Barber,” you quickly correct before downing the rest of your drink.

“Oh no.”

“Listen, I know nothing can ever happen, I’m not dumb, but I just...I don’t know, Sarah. We just bonded the day he helped me move into my place, along with Jacob. It started with just texting every so often, then phone calls at night, and then he started coming over. Nothing has happened, but...what the fuck is wrong with Laurie? How could she cheat on him?!”

“I’m sorry, come again?”

“Fuck, don’t tell Jacob!” you groan as the waiter comes over.

“Are you two ready to put in an order for food?” he kindly asks.

“Uh no, but we will take two more pitchers of mimosas as well as two pitchers of Merlot,” Sarah smiles at the man as you face palm yourself.

“Will do,” the man smiles awkwardly before walking away.

“We have to find me a dress, still.”

“Oh, we’ll find you a damn dress alright. Now what happened?”

“Some time after the trial, Laurie was still having reservations about everything, and she cheated on him. He said that she cried to him about it at 2am a few weeks later, and that’s when things really started going even more downhill. He doesn’t want Jacob to know because he thinks it’ll make everything worse.”

“It definitely will, but Jacob isn’t a child. He has a right to know.”

“Sarah.”

“I know I know, but it’s frustrating.”

“Imagine how I feel,” you smile sarcastically as the drinks are delivered. “So, anyway, I knew that I was starting to become too attached, so I’ve been seeing him less. Now, there’s this fucking party tomorrow and I don’t want to go, because...ugh, when Jacob called and told me yesterday, he said Laurie wasn’t going because they got into an argument. He said Andy threw around the word ‘divorce’ a few times, and I just...what the fuck am I supposed to do? So, I called Andy and asked him what it was about and all he kept saying is that he wanted to see me. He said he’d tell me if I let him come over, so I finally agreed.”

“Well, did he hint at what the argument was about?”

“He never told me. We ordered sushi and watched ‘Breakfast at Tiffanys’,” you sigh.

“Fuck.”

“I told him that we have to stop, because it’s wrong, and he said that he knows we can’t do anything, because I’m Jacob’s best friend and he knows that it still bothers me that everyone in this shit hole thinks so little of me. He also said he’d never ask anything of me while he’s still married.”

“Which means, if you had a different best friend...”

“So, that’s been running through my mind all day.”

“Well...shit.”

“What makes it worse is that this is exactly why Laurie didn’t want me around him-”

“Fuck Laurie, I’m sorry but that was bullshit. You didn’t hit on Mr. Matthews, and she fucking knew that. She made you feel like shit because of her own insecurities.”

“Be that as it may, she was afraid of me stealing him and now look.”

“I mean, it’s not like he wants to stay in the relationship. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve gone to that house and have heard them arguing. He usually gets fed up and storms out, and will stay out for hours.”

“I’m trying to do the right thing.”

“But you both want to be together.”

“He’s married, Sarah. Everyone here already thinks I’m man stealing whore, I don’t need to actually prove them right.”

“Fuck this town and the people in it. Mr. Matthews wasn’t even all that great, and you were a kid. They should’ve fucking stood beside you. This town is really good at blaming the wrong fucking people.”

“Speaking of that, there’s Jacob.”

“He’ll get over it.”

“He won’t like it. I’m younger than him!”

“Only by a few months! Listen, he’ll throw his little hissy fit, then he’ll be happy, cause both you and Andy will be happy.”

“You’re surprisingly happy about this.”

“I mean, I can see it. It doesn’t seem too far fetched to me, the more I think about it. You two are more alike than I ever thought.”

“You’re supposed to be telling me to stay away from him.”

“Probably, but it seems like a stupid thing to say. I’m not telling you to sleep with a married man, but it’s not even like he wants to be married anymore. Jacob told me that shes been begging him to go to marriage counseling, and he doesn’t want to. He’s over trying.”

“Even if he does leave her, which I really don’t believe he’ll do, what-”

“Why don’t you believe he will?”

“He’s in denial about it and why wouldn’t he be? They’ve been together for so long.”

“Babe, everyone can see that time is running out on that marriage. Jacob said he seemed pretty adamant about that divorce last night.”

“I’m not holding my breath. I don’t know, I just...I don’t know. What if Jacob thinks I’m the reason Andy is pushing so hard for this divorce?”

“So what if you are? You two haven’t actually done anything, have you?”

“I mean, we cuddled last night and he held me until I fell asleep, only because I asked him to though. He kissed the top of my head a few times.”

“Oh, you two are desperate for each other,” she giggles before taking a giant swig of her drink. “I see where Jacob gets it from.”

“Huh?”

“Before Jacob and I started having sex, he was always afraid that he was moving too fast and that he was gonna scare me off. After everything that happened, he was afraid sex would scare me off,” she scoffed before rolling her eyes. “Anyway, that was his way of showing me that he’s ready when I’m ready. Longing stares, holding me close, kissing the top of my head or my temple, just little ways to show that he’s ready to take the next step but that there’s no pressure.”

“I don’t think that’s what Andy’s doing. We were both just sad. He misses me and I miss him.”

“He told you that?”

“He said he misses watching movies with his best friend. When I told him that Laurie should be his best friend, he said she isn’t anymore.”

“Well, what are you gonna do?”

“The only thing I can do, stay away and mind my business. I won’t be the reason for their divorce.”

“Hate to break it to you, honey, but there’s no avoiding that at this point. Andy Barber has a thing for you, and he’s not getting over you any time soon,” she smirks softly before grabbing her drink

As the day goes on, and you two get drunker, her words roll around in your head.

Does Andy really have a thing for you, or is he just sad and looking for someone to make him feel better? Is it really all that wrong to explore since he’s trying to get out of his marriage anyway? If you ever decided that it was something you wanted to try and explore, would Jacob actually ever get over it, or would he hate you forever?

The more you think about it, the more annoyed you are. Why are you setting yourself up? You can’t ever be with him, so why does it even matter? None of it should matter.

“You have to pick on a dress,” Sarah slurs as you two clumsily make your way around the store.

“Everything feels inappropriate.”

“Well, if you’re not going to reel him in, you can at least reel someone in for the night,” she smirks at you and you let out a loud laugh.

“You’re a terrible influence!”

“I just want you to be happy,” she smirks with a shrug before her eyes land on a dress. “You have to try this on!! You’ll look so good!”

“Sarah! No!I can’t-”

“Why not? Make him fight harder for that divorce.”

“No!”

“You know you like it! Try it on!”

“Sarah-”

“Try it on,” she repeats, giving you the dress.

You begrudgingly take the dress and make your way to one of the fitting rooms, quickly undressing and pulling the dress on. The fact that it fits you like a glove only irritates you more, because you really do love it. However, you don’t want to wear it in front of Andy.

“Well, come on, lets see it!” Sarah calls from the other side of the door.

You scowl as you make your way out. “Don’t say anything-”

“He’s gonna have a hard time keeping his hands off of you,” she snickers as she looks you over “you look amazing.”

“I shouldn’t wear this-”

“The damage is already done, you may as well enjoy it,” she shrugs.

“I forgot how much of a trouble maker drunk you is.”

“I live for the chaos, baby,” she smirks and you burst out laughing.

At some point, Sarah calls Jacob and asks him to pick the both of you up. You know you shouldn’t, but you feel so guilty when he pulls up outside of the store. You haven’t done anything with Andy, so you don’t know why you feel like you’ve betrayed Jacob.

“Why are you so quiet back there?” Jacob smirks as he looks up at you from the rear view mirror.

“Words are hard,” you mumble as you gaze out the window.

“Bullshit, you haven’t been yourself in weeks. What’s going on with you?”

“Leave her alone,” Sarah snaps with a slur.

“Why do you get to know and I don’t?”

“Because I’m a lady and boys have cooties,” she says matter-of-factly, with a s smirk while Jacob laughs.

“Fine fine, what time should we pick you up tomorrow?” Jacob asks as pulls up to your complex.

“You don’t have to-”

“It makes more sense for us all to go together. I promise we won’t stay too long. I think my dad is just looking for a reason to get out of the house, honestly.”

“Does your mom knowing I’m going?”

“I don’t know, probably. They had another one of their famous mind numbing arguments, so who knows. He kinda stormed out last night and didn’t come back till late, and I haven’t seen him yet today. I’ll just tell her when I get home, no big deal,” he shrugs and you feel a pang of guilt.

Another painful reminder that Andy Barber is off limits.

“I’ll text you when I get home from work tomorrow, and we can choose a time then. For now, I need to lay down,” you sigh as you grab the big black garment bag that contains your dress, before opening your door and getting out. “Jacob, thank you for picking us up, and Sarah, thank you for getting me entirely too drunk,” you smirk as they both laugh. “I love you both, please be careful.”

“Yes mom,” Jacobs scowls and you flip him off, before stepping back and he pulls off.

The minute you get into your apartment, you hang the garment bag up on the coat rack, followed by your coat, before toeing off your shoes. You know you shouldn’t but you go into the kitchen and make yourself a drink, just wanting to be numb.

You’re in the middle of searching for the menu to your (and Andy’s) favorite Chinese place, when the your phone starts going off.

“Hmm?” you answer lazily, still looking for the menu.

“What color is the dress you got?” Andy asks and you roll your eyes.

“Go away.”

“No.”

“Andy.”

“Hmm?”

“Don’t start this shit.”

“You can always hangup.”

“We both know I won’t. Plus, I’m drunk and am in no mood to be responsible one right now.”

“It’s 4:30 and you’re drunk?”

“Sarah and I had a talk during brunch that we both needed to be drunk for.”

“What was it about?”

“Don’t you worry about that.”

“Ya know, for a while, you told me everything.”

“Yeah well, you and Jacob can pout about it together, because I didn’t tell him either.”

“Ah, you and Sarah had a talk about you and me.”

“There is no you and me,” you huff, finally finding the menu and ignoring the pain you feel in your heart at what you just said.

“I’m trying to get her to sign the papers-”

“What does that mean to me? It doesn’t change the fact that you’re still Jacob’s dad. We just talked about this last night,” you sniffle as you put your glass down and wipe your eyes.

Fucking alcohol.

“Please don’t cry, sweetheart,” he begs softly. “Listen, if it’s making you this upset, don’t come tomorrow night-”

“That’s not an option because Jacob is really fucking excited. Also, I just got a dress just for this.”

“I’m sorry I’m so selfish.”

“It’s not like I’m not either.”

“There’s not a selfish bone in your body,” Andy sighs and you can tell he’s at war with himself. “Should I tell Jacob to go over?”

“No, because I’m not gonna tell him why I’m crying and he’s already worried about me, because he can tell something’s wrong.”

“Sarah?”

“She’s just as drunk as me. It’ll be like the blind leading the blind.”

“Well who? You know I don’t like leaving you alone when you’re upset. Especially, when you’re crying.”

“You don’t like to leave me alone at all.”

“That’s true,” he chuckles softly and a small smile comes to your face.

You could listen to him chuckle and laugh all day.

“You don’t have to worry about me, Andy.”

“It’s not like I can stop it. It’s not like I haven’t tried to stop it.”

“You have work to do.”

“I’m done.”

“Then go home.”

“Laurie’s home so I’d rather not.”

“Then what are you gonna do?”

“Sit in my office.”

“You can’t do that, Andy.”

“It’s my office, I can do whatever I want,” his says with a little smart-ass tone, and you can tell he’s grinning.

“I don’t like the thought of you sitting all alone in your office.”

“Well, I don’t like the thought of you sitting all alone in your apartment.”

“What are you gonna do for food?”

“Order Chinese food and have it delivered here.”

“Just come over,” you mumble in defeat.

“You just said-”

“We’re both about to order Chinese food, and I’m more than sure we’re about to get it from the same damn place. Just...just come over.”

“Sweetheart-”

“This is...it’s the last time. After this, we can’t do any of this anymore. We’re just making the wound worse, and it’s not fair to either of us. So, I’ll put in the order-”

“I can put in the order and pick it up.”

“I already have the menu out and I know what we both want. Just get over here.”

“Yes ma’am,” he laughs softly.

You quickly call the Chinese place and order 2 containers of dumplings (fried) for you both to split, a sushi platter that consisted of a dragon roll, Alaska roll, a tempura roll, and a kani roll, an order of the house special lo mein for Andy, an order of Singapore mei fun for yourself, and an order of two egg rolls for the both of you.

If it’s going to be the last hangout, you may as well make the most of it.

Finally, you go into your room and change out of your clothes, pulling on a pair of Boston University sweatpants and a ‘Rolling Stones’ t-shirt, before putting your hair up in a messy bun. After pulling on your fuzzy socks, you make your way into the kitchen and grab a glass, putting in only one ice cube before pouring some bourbon in it.

As if perfectly timed, there’s a soft knock on your door, and a small smile comes to your face.

“You didn’t waste any time, did you?” you giggle as you open the door and step aside, holding out the glass you made for him.

“Wanna get in as much time as I can since this is the last time,” Andy sighs as he takes the glass out of your hand and makes his way inside.

“You know I’m right, Andy.”

“That doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“Lets just enjoy the night, okay?” you scowl as you make your way into the living room and grabbing your drink.

“Why are you still drinking?”

“Because it’s been a long fucking day, Andrew.”

“Well, when you say my name like that,” he smirks as he makes his way over to you, and wraps his arms around you. “How’d you sleep?”

“Shitty. You?”

“Shitty.”

“Sofa again?”

“Of course you know about that.”

“Jacob tells me everything, you know that.”

“So why-”

“So why won’t she sign the papers?”

“Ask her.”

“I’m asking you.”

“Honey, I don’t know. I don’t have a single fucking clue,” he glowers as someone knocks on the door and announces ‘delivery’.

Before you even have a chance to move, Andy’s pulling out his wallet and making his way over to your apartment door. He pays the person, takes the food into the kitchen and grabs a couple of plates for you both, before finally bringing everything into your little living area.

“You didn’t have to pay.”

“You ordered it, the least I can do is pay for it. However,” he laughs as he takes a seat next to you “I wasn’t aware that you were gonna order the entire menu.”

“Only of all our favorite things. Figured we’d make the most of the night.”

“And you’re drunk.”

“Both can be true,” you tease before sticking out your tongue, and he laughs softly.

You’re both about to start opening up the food when there’s a knock on your door. Both you and Andy look at each other with a raised eyebrow before you answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s uh...it’s Mrs. Barber,” she responds softly.

Andy is up before you can look in his direction, grabbing all of the food, plates, his drink, and placing them all in your bedroom, before coming back out and grabbing his coat off of the coat rack and disappearing into your bedroom.

The man is efficient.

You try to calm your nerves as you slowly make your over to the door, suddenly feeling a bit more sober than you were before. “Hey,” you smile as you slowly open the door, realizing that she’s never seen your place...and that you’ve never been alone with her.

“I just realized I’m the only Barber who hasn’t seen this place,” she smiles awkwardly as she makes her way inside.

“That’s right, Mr. Barber helped us move everything in,”

“I know you were out with Sarah-”

“How is she?”

“She’s fine, sleeping it off in Jacob’s room,” she chuckles before anxiously rubbing the back of her neck. “You’re always so thoughtful and that makes me...”

“Mrs. Barber-”

“You can call me Laurie. You should. I honestly shouldn’t even be here, but I do want to tell you that the place looks great,” she mutters awkwardly as she looks around.

“Well, thank you, but-”

“Before I say anything else, I want to apologize. I know you heard what I said few years ago and you didn’t deserve that. It’s not that I have an issue with you, you’ve been nothing but great to Jacob. You don’t know how happy it makes me that both Sarah and him have you in your life, but...”

“You don’t like me around Mr. Barber.”

“I know you’ve done nothing to warrant it, but I know how you are-and there’s nothing wrong with that !” she quickly defends when you quietly scoff. “You’re young and gorgeous, and you should have fun while you’re young, before you start the next chapter of your life. Hell, sometimes I’m jealous because I never got to explore that part of myself. I fell in love and became a mother young, and that’s...I’m paying the price for it now,” she smiles weakly. “The thing is, Jacob and his father are more alike that people tend to realize-”

“Jacob’s never had a thing for me.”

“I hear the conversations you two have, the debates, your taste in music and movies, hell, you two have the same favorite Chinese place,” she laughs incredulously. “No, you’re not Jacob’s type, but you’re definitely Andy’s. I know Jacob tells you everything, so I know that you know that things are a bit rocky right now. I have no one to blame but myself, but I’m trying to fix everything and I can’t...I can’t do that with you in the picture.”

“So, do you just want me to stay away all together?” you sniffle, doing your best to hold back your tears.

“I’m fine...I’m fine with you being friends with Jacob. He needs you in his life and we need you in his life. I just...I know you’re going to the party tomorrow and that’s fine. Jacob’s excited and you bought the dress today...it’s fine. However, after this-”

“Stay away from Mr. Barber,” you nod with a soft smile.

“I know-”

“I’ve never done anything to you, Laurie. Even after you said what you said, I didn’t yell, I didn’t tell Jacob, and I didn’t make you feel like shit. I kept it to myself.”

“Y/N-”

“I just want you to keep that in mind the next time you decide to think little of me. I will steer clear of you and your husband, you don’t need to worry about me,” you smile softly.

Laurie says nothing. She just stands there and nods before slowly making her way out. The second the door closes, your bedroom door opens.

“She had no fucking right!” Andy all but yells as he storms out.

“Andy stop, she can probably still here you.”

“Good-”

“There’s no sense in making it worse,” you sob, finally letting your tears fall.

“Oh honey,” he sighs, making his way over to and wrapping his arms around you in a tight hug. “You’ve done nothing-”

“No matter what I do, she’s always just going to think of me as some home wrecking whore. It doesn’t matter that I never did anything wrong. It’s never going to matter.”

“Stop it. You are a fucking saint, Y/N. You haven’t done a thing wrong, and you’re probably the most selfless person I know. Let’s just...let’s enjoy our dinner, okay?”

“Andy-”

“You have no reason to feel bad, you’ve done nothing wrong. Between the two of us, I’m the guilty one. Lets just enjoy dinner, okay?”

“Okay.”

Andy does his best to cheer you up as he brings the food back out, and puts on a movie you love, but even he can tell that you’re a million miles away.

“Y/N-”

“She’s always going to think less of me,” you sniffle as you throw your container of food down. “What’s the point of me trying to do the right thing, if this is how it’s always going to be? What’s the fucking point?”

“Honey, I know it’s easier said than done, but just ignore Laurie. You’ve seen enough and you know enough, to know that no one can do right by her. Especially because she’s incapable of holding herself accountable for anything.”

“If she’s just going to act like this, I don’t see why we don’t...” you trail off.

“Why we don’t what?”

“Nothing, just forget I said anything.”

“Y/N-”

“Andy, please don’t,” you smile weakly.

Andy’s only response is letting out a deep sigh before pulling you close and holding you tight. You settle up against him and take in his scent and his warmth, knowing you’ll never have a moment like this with him again. As he gently kisses the top of your head, you find yourself drifting off to sleep and wondering what it would be like to have all of affection.

You wonder what it would be like to have all of his heart.

**

When your alarm wakes you up the next day, you’re in bed alone and under the covers. You feel anger towards yourself as your eyes start to water, for not staying awake longer. The last night you got to spend with him and you fell asleep almost immediately after dinner. You wanted nothing more than to just stay in his embrace and hear his voice as much as possible. You were robbed of full night with your most favorite person, and you have no one to blame for it but yourself.

You try and get yourself out of your funk as you get ready for work, but you just feel empty and lonely. What you’re doing is for the best, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. By the time you arrive at work, you’ve cried and have had to reapply makeup twice.

You can’t wait to get to the part where this doesn’t feel like the hardest thing you’ve ever done.

“Oh, that’s not a face that looks ready for the holidays,” your boss smirks as he makes his way over to your desk, and you fight the urge to roll your eyes.

“How may I help you, Mr. Hathaway?” you smile the best you can as he leans against your desk.

“I’ve told you at least a hundred times, call me Thomas.”

“And I’ve told you that I’m not comfortable doing that. It’s unprofessional.”

“Maybe I want us to be unprofessional,” he smirks suggestively.

You take a deep breath before putting your pen down and look up to meet his sultry gaze, “how may I help you, Mr. Hathaway?”

“Go out with me tonight.”

“No thank you.”

“Why not?”

“Besides the fact that you’re my boss and it would be unprofessional, and that I don’t want to, I have plans tonight.”

“Oh? And what are you up to?”

“A party.”

“A party that you can’t bring a friend to?”

“It’s not that type of party, plus it’s not my party.”

“Well, make sure to let your friend know I’m offended.”

“I will make sure to let the DA know you’re offended,” you scoff without thinking.

“Oh?”

“I’m best friends with his son and Jacob invited me. No more and no less. District Attorney Barber is happily married.”

“I guess I’ll just have to try again another time,” he shrugs with a mournful sigh. “I’m not a man who gives up easily,” he winks before getting up and walking away.

It takes all of your energy not to let out a frustrated sigh and slam your hand down on your desk, but you remember how much you make and that you have bills. You grab your phone and instantly start to text Andy, before remembering that you have to stop going to him about everything. You want to tell Jacob, but you know he’ll just rip his head off. Telling Sarah is basically the same the thing as telling Jacob, so you just throw your phone back into your drawer and let out frustrated sigh and fight back tears.

It hasn’t even been a full day, and you miss the fuck out of Andrew Steven Barber.

Andy’s P.O.V

“Andy, did you hear me?” Lynn asks as she shakes me out of my thoughts.

“I’m sorry, I’m here. What’s going on?”

“Tonight, for the award-”

“Oh yeah, no, that’s completely taken care of. Jacob is going to present it since Laurie isn’t coming.”

“Is everything okay there?”

“Not really, no, but you’ve known that for a while,” I smile weakly as I take off my glasses and look up at her.

“Andy, if this is anything I did-”

“Laurie was Laurie long before anything happened with Jacob. The cracks were always there, we both just decided to pretend they weren’t. We were never supposed to end up together.”

“Andy-”

“It’s fine, Lynn. Sometimes things just don’t work out.”

“Andy, its not that work hasn’t been amazing as always, but you just seem far away. You’ve been going non-stop for a few years now, and it’s understandable if you want a break-”

“I’m fine, Lynn. I’m just tired of fighting her on this divorce. I’m tired of a lot of things. Work keeps me going and that’s what I need right now.”

“Andy-”

“Jacob is graduating soon and he’s gonna propose to Sarah this upcoming Summer. Probably his birthday, cause their anniversary isn’t until Fall. I need something to keep me going, Lynn.”

“Just...just let me know if you need time, okay?”

“Will do,” I tell her reassuringly as she gives me a small smile.

As she walks out, I can’t help but think of you. All I want is you. Every time I have to leave you, it’s the hardest thing in the fucking world. Now, I don’t even get to leave you, and for what? What’s the reason for two adults not being together? One way or another, I’m leaving Laurie, so that just leaves Jacob. I’m putting my happiness on hold for my son, who is moving out and getting married soon anyway?

I owe him that though. I owe him and I owe you.

You’ve been through so much already and you don’t need anymore shit messing up your life. You don’t need me messing up your life. This town is so fucking stupid for not even trying to understand what a beautiful soul you are. You’re courageous, funny, charismatic, caring, generous, thoughtful, and...

And what am I doing?

I can’t fall for you. We can never happen, so I need to get over whatever the hell is going on in my head. This isn’t serious, I’m just upset. I’m hurt and you’re a more than welcomed distraction.

Except you aren’t.

You are so much more than that. When I’m around you, I feel like I can finally breathe again. Your smile lights up my heart and when you laugh, I swear it’s a melody God composed just for me. Holding you has now become an all consuming addiction for me and I don’t known how the hell I’m supposed to survive without it now.

How the hell I’m supposed to survive without you.

Everything about you is everything that I love. It’s insane ton me that no one sees all the love you have inside, and all the kindness you hold in your heart, and it infuriates me that people let you down at every turn. I don’t want to be another selfish asshole to let you down though, so if you saying that we need to stop seeing each is for the best....

I run a frustrated hand through my hair and let out an exasperated sigh, as I take out my phone and look for the one video that always makes me smile when I’m fed up and overwhelmed.

“Andy! I know how to drive!” you laughed as you slowly turn the corner.

“There’s no one on the road and you’re driving at the speed of ‘no’.”

“Your car is nice! I don’t wanna damage it!”

“You’re not gonna damage my car at 2am! If you were this nervous about it, why did you offer to drive it?”

“Cause it’s a really nice car and I really wanted to drive it,” you told me innocently as I burst out laughing. “Besides, you’re the one who wanted to go out at 2 in the morning for ice cream!”

“I had a hankering,” I shrugged as you started laughing again.

“And you couldn’t bother Jacob because....?”

“He’s a terrible conversationalist this late, especially when you first wake him up.”

“That’s a painfully good point,” you giggled as you came to a complete stop.

“The ice cream is right there! Why are you stopping?!”

“Cause there’s a fucking stop sign! It’s the law! You of all people should know that!”

“I’m not a fucking cop!”

“You’re just as good as one!”

“You’re insane, did you know that?”

“Why are you recording me anyway?”

“So, that the next time you tell me you’re a perfectly capable driver, I can pull up the this video and show you that you are not,” I snickered.

You deadpan and turned towards me, before flipping me off, and there was no way to stop the full bodied laugh that left my body.

“I am a capable driver! We got here in one piece, didn’t we?” you laughed as you finally pulled into the parking lot.

“Sweetheart, we left your place at 2 and we’re just getting here at 2:20.”

“So?”

“It’s a 10 minute drive!”

“It’s a 24 hour ice cream shop!”

“Thank God, or else I’d be fucked.”

“Oh fuck off,” you laughed as turned the car off.

That was the best night I’d had in a while and it made me realize a lot of things. Things that felt guilty for...things I still feel guilty for. I had more of a connection with my best friend’s son than I ever had with my own wife, and I had only known you for...2 months? How fucking pathetic is that?

We sat on the hood of my car that night, eating ice cream and talking until the sun came up. We were both so open and vulnerable with each other and that’s when I started that things were different. I wanted to change so many things after that night, but it was out of my control. All of this has felt out of my control and I can’t change that, can I?

I can’t stop myself from loving you, believe me, I fucking tried.

Before we left, you took a selfie of us as the sun was coming up, and it’s my favorite photo ever. Your smile is so big and genuine and I’d never felt so content in my life.

Ugh, what the fuck am I doing? I can’t do this to you. I can’t put you through more hell. That’s not love, but holy fuck do I wish you feel my love for you. Feel it and know just how great and deep it is.

As I look at the photo of us, I know what I have to do tonight. No, I don’t like it one bit and it’ll hurt like a mother fucker, but what else can i do? Staying away is in your best interest, and I’ll do anything to keep you happy. Happy and safe.

How else am I supposed to show you just how much I love you?

Y/N’s P.O.V

“I’m sure you look amazing!” Sarah sighs from your phone as you finish up a few last minute touches on your hair.

“I should have gotten a different dress,” you mutter as you look yourself over in the mirror. “My shoes are all wrong.”

“Stop it, no they aren’t. If it makes you feel any better, Mr. Barber seems to be just as anxious as you are.”

“He’s getting an award tonight.”

“Yeah okay, we’ll blame it on that. That makes sense,” she scoffs. “Listen, we’re gonna be leaving soon, so just clam down. I’m sure you look beautiful and we’re all gonna have a great time tonight. Just take a deep breath and we’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Sounds good,” you sigh before hanging up.

You know that everything is fine, but the thought of seeing Andy after everything that happened last night, it’s just too much. You know you can always say that you just don’t want to go, but you also can’t. Not when it’s this close and not when you’re so desperate to see Andy. Even if you can’t hold him, you can still hear his voice, and that’s better than nothing.You start pacing around in your apartment, trying to relax and telling yourself it’ll be okay. For fucks sake, you’re going to be in public with the man. If neither of you would act on anything private, there’s no way anything is gonna happen in public.

But still. The thought alone of just seeing Andy makes your whole body hot, and feel insanely alive all at once. Plus, you know Andy is going to look amazing, because he always does. How you’re supposed to be out with all of them tonight and not think some of the thoughts that you’ve been thinking lately is beyond you.

There’s also the fact that it’s just Andy. Andrew Steven Barber. In such a fast amount of time, he’s become the center of your world. You want to keep him safe, happy, laughing, and...

Well, you want him to feel loved.

Whether it’s late night drives, late night phone calls, movie nights, listening to him vent, holding him while you two sit in silence, or just indulging in his favorite movies when he’s frustrated...you want him to know that he’s so insanely loved.

That he’s insanely loved by you.

You can’t love him though. You’re not supposed to. He has been off limits since the day you met, even before then. Maybe it would be different if you two would have met when you were younger, but Laurie made sure that didn’t happen. No, when you finally met Andy, you were both adults and all of the rules that should’ve been in place went out the damn window.

Now, you’re just a woman with a broken heart, in love with a man that can never be yours.

Your phone buzzing pulls you out of your thoughts, and you take a deep breath before looking at it.

The Dark Lord: We’re here!

You look yourself over in the mirror one more time, making sure your grandmother’s blue, rhinestone encrusted butterfly pins are set perfectly, before grabbing your coat and purse, and slowly make your way out.

“Your hair looks amazing!” Sarah beams as you get in the backseat of Andy’s Audi.

“It’s alright.”

“No, it looks so good! I love it so much!”

“It really does look great,” Jacob smiles as he turns to look at you from the front seat.

“And you all haven’t even seen my outfit,” you laugh nervously as you close the door behind you. “Thanks for the ride, Mr. Barber.”

“Thanks for coming,” he smiles as your from rear view mirror, “your hair really does look nice.”

“Thanks, yours doesn’t look so bad yourself,” you smile softly as you put on your seat belt. “Excited for your award tonight?”

“I have a feeling that it’s out of pity, so no,” he scoffs as he pulls off.

“Dad, you’ve worked hard your entire career,” Jacob encourages “you deserve this.”

“It would be a lot easier to believe if-”

“Mr. Barber,” you interrupt softly “you’ve dedicated your life to your career. I don’t know what the award is for, but I know you deserve it. The work you do always finds a way to show its reflection of yourself in life.”

“That’s funny,” Jacob chuckles “my dad always says that.”

Sarah gently squeezes your hand and gives you a sad but reassuring look.

You’re in for a long night.

**

“You haven’t danced all night!” Sarah whines as another song she loves comes on.

“Go dance with your boyfriend,” you snort as you take another sip of your whiskey neat.

“Are you going to be a sour puss the entire night?”

“Sarah, since I’ve taken my coat off, I have been hit on nonstop. The last thing I want is to go out on the floor and make it worse for myself. I should’ve gotten another dress,” you sigh, contemplating finishing off your drink completely.

“Okay, what happened?” she asks sincerely, taking a seat next to you “you weren’t completely defeated last night and now-”

“Laurie came over last night, while Andy was hiding in my bedroom-nothing happened,” you quickly explain once you see the look on Sarah’s face. “We were about to have dinner when Laurie came by, and Andy ran into my room to hide. Anyway, she came over and said...she said some things,” you scowl before downing the rest of drink, quickly standing up and grabbing another drink for both you and Sarah, as a waiter with full tray walks by.

“What things?” Sarah all but growls as she takes the drink from you.

“She has asked that I stay far away from Mr. Barber. I can continue to be friends with Jacob, and it’s fine that I came here tonight, but after all is said and done I need to stay away. I’m a threat to her marriage, even though I haven’t done anything, and that in order to keep her marriage to keep her marriage afloat, I can’t come around because I’m Andy’s type.”

When Sarah says nothing, you look up and see her trying her best to hold on to her resolve and you scoff.

“Yeah, that’s how I feel too.”

“She’s the one who cheated! She’s the one who said those nasty things about you!” Sarah whispers harshly.

“Which I reminded her of by telling her that I never made her feel as small as shes always made me feel, I never told Jacob and started drama, and I never made a scene.”

“What did Andy do?”

“He wanted to go after her and yell at her, but I stopped him.”

“Why-”

“It only would’ve made it worse. She doesn’t know we’ve been hanging out in secret, and she’d start a shit show. She wouldn’t care about the impact that it would have on Andy or Jacob-”

“Or you.”

“I don’t matter in all of this,” you smile sorrowfully at her.

“Babe, yes you do-”

“Jacob has been through enough and so has Andy. Why the hell should they have to endure more hell over me? Because I’m in love?”

“Because you deserve to be happy!”

“Sometimes we just don’t get what we want, and that’s fine. At some point, I’ll get over it and things will be alright.”

“He shouldn’t be with her!”

“That doesn’t mean he should be with me, Sarah,” you sigh as you fight back your tears. “I can’t force him to leave her, I’m not going to beg him to leave her, and I’m damn sure not about to make anyone’s life harder. I know Andy is pushing for a divorce, and I hope he gets it, but him being with me will never be okay. Age difference aside, she’s going to turn this whole town against him, and hes worked too hard. Hes done too much, and Jacob? You and Jacob?”

“We can all just move!”

“Sarah-”

“Why can’t you both be happy? Why does she have to win? Yeah, Mr. Barber and Jacob deserve to be happy, but so do you! He wants to be happy with you! He loves-”

“Don’t,” you warn as a single tear falls from your eyes. “Just don’t.”

“This isn’t right and you know it.”

“Why can’t you just-”

“Because you’re my best friend too! You have been through so much and you’ve handled it so much better than anyone deserves. If it were me, I would’ve gone off on everyone a million times over. Both you deserve a win! You deserve a win,” she sniffles softly as she wipes her eyes.

“Sarah-”

“Hey, what’s going...babe, what’s wrong?” Jacob asks, instantly seeing the distressed look on Sarah’s face and tears in her eyes.

“Nothing, I just need to go for a walk,” she sobs before getting up and quickly making her way out.

Jacob looks to you and you just shake your head “go after to her and clam her down.”

“What-”

“Just go, Jacob.”

“Fucks sake,” he sighs before following after her.

“What the fuck was that about?” Andy whispers as he takes a seat next to you.

“Just spreading holiday cheer,” you smile sarcastically as you raise your glass and take a sip. “Seems like everyone is a fan of you tonight.”

“Honey, please tell me what’s wrong.”

“Don’t. Don’t do that when you already know what’s wrong.”

“Listen, just because-”

“Andy!” a tall man greets, pulling both of you out of conversation.

You look him over and instantly recognize who he is.

“Neal,” Andy greets with a warm smile.

“Just wanted to congratulate you on tonight, you’ve more than earned it.”

“Thanks, I really appreciate it.”

“I’m sorry, don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t think we’ve met,” Neal smiles at you, and you glare straight through him.

Fuck Neal Loguidice.

“Neal, this is Y/N. Y/N, this is Neal Loguidice,” Andy smiles awkwardly, noticing that your glare isn’t going anywhere.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Neal smiles at you as he looks you over, extending his hand, which you just stare at.

It’s Andy’s job to place nice with his coworkers, not yours. Neil fucked over both you guys so, as far as you’re concerned, he can go fuck himself.

“Well,” Neal starts awkwardly as he clears his throat, “I guess I’ll see you around, Andy.

He’s quick to smile with a small nod before almost rushing off.

“Well, I guess that’s that.”

“Fuck Neal,” you mutter before taking a sip of your drink.

“Sweetheart, lets take a trip to my office.”

“Lets not and say we did.”

“We need to talk.”

“This isn’t the time or the place.”

“Please, let’s just go to my office,” Andy pleads desperately.

You can hear the pain in his voice and it only makes all of it so much harder, “let’s go,” you mumble, standing up and grabbing your drink.

The walk to his office is tense, quiet, and fairly quick. You try to keep a good distance from him, but you also long to be near him. By the way he’s holding out his hand, (like he wants you to take it) he feels the same.

“Somehow it’s exactly how I thought it’d be, and at the same time, it’s not,” you comment with a soft smile as you take a seat in front of his desk.

“You’ve thought about my office?” Andy chuckles as he closes his door.

“You’ve called me from here enough, it’s hard not to wonder what the place you love so much looks like.”

“You know the place I love is any place you are,” he sighs heavily, taking a seat at his desk and opening the bottom drawer, “you look miserable.” He takes out a glass and a bottle of bourbon, “I feel like I’ve done nothing but make your life miserable, and that makes me feel like shit, cause you’ve done nothing but make mine better. In so many ways.”

“It’s nothing you’ve done and you know that.”

“Me not being in your life would make it better though, wouldn’t it?”

Your silence just causes him to shake his head as he pours himself a drink.

“Y/N-”

“What do you want me to say? Obviously, there are parts that would be easier if we weren’t as close as we are, but since you’ve been in my life, I’ve been happy. So fucking happy. I look forward to our late night calls and texts, I’m so happy when you randomly stop by and we go on drives, I can listen to you talk about anything forever, I just...you’re married and I’m the town whore,” you scoff.

“Stop that, you didn’t do anything-”

“It doesn’t matter, Andy. You heard Laurie last night! She believes I didn’t do anything, and she still wants me to stay the hell away from you!”

“Yeah well, Laurie’s a bitch,” he mutters before sipping on his bourbon, placing it back down.

“Andy-”

“What? It’s just you and me right now, there’s no need to lie. We don’t lie to each other and we’re not about to start now.”

“Andy-”

“Fuck her! Fuck her and this whole fucking town! You haven’t done anything to deserve this! I’m so sick-”

“Baby, there’s Jacob,” you interrupt softly, reaching your hand across his desk to hold his free hand.

“There’s Jacob,” he sighs heavily, grabbing his drink again with his other hand and taking a long sip from it. “You look so beautiful tonight. Absolutely gorgeous,” he smiles at you, his eyes watering a little.

“Please don’t-”

“I’m going to stay away. Even after all is said and done with Laurie, I’m going to stay away, because I refuse to be another person in your life to let you down. I love you too much for that and you deserve better. You deserve so much better from everyone, and I want to be someone who does that for you.”

“Andy, you know it’s not what I want-”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me. I know it’s not what either of us wants, but you’ll never do anything and I’ll never ask you to. Enough has happened and this is for the best. It’s the right thing to do...you feel it’s the right thing to do, and I’ll abide by that.”

“Andy, I...wait a minute, what do you mean you love me?”

“What do you mean what do I mean? I love you. Of course I love you, how could I not?”

“Wait, you can’t-”

“You don’t get to tell me what I do and don’t feel, sweetheart. You are funny, kind, charismatic, tough, sexy, energetic, witty, smart as hell...I could go on forever,” he chuckles humorlessly as he grabs his glass and takes another sip. “I love you just as much as you love me.”

“You don’t know that I love you-”

“You’re not as slick as you think you are, sweetheart.”

“I don’t want to-”

“I don’t want to love you either, but it’s starting to feel like we didn’t have much of a choice. All I want is for you to tell me the truth. In this room, in this moment, tell me the truth,” he begs softly.

You give his hand another gentle squeeze and a weak smile as tears start to fall from your eyes, “I love you, too.”

“I’ll stay away from you. I’ll stay away and keep you safe.”

“Andy-”

“It’s the least I can do. Like I told you before, you’re the least selfish person I know. It’s time you get something back.”

“I don’t want this, Andy.”

“Neither do I, sweetheart. However, you think this will be best, so I’m abiding by your rules.”

“If you don’t want this, why are you-”

“Because you do, and I love you. When you love someone, you don’t force your ideas and wants on them, you listen to them and do you your best to make them happy.”

“Andy-”

“I love you, Y/N. It’s as simple as that. If this makes your life easier, I’ll do it. Anything that makes you breathe a little easier, I’ll do it.”

For the next 10 minutes, neither of you say anything to each other. You just sit there in silence, sobbing softly while you both drink, holding hands. It’s the closest to heaven you’re going to get, so you just want to live in it as long as possible.

However, you both know you need to get back and that Jacob’s patience is wearing thin, so you’re the first to get up and head back. When you get back to the table, both Jacob and Sarah look irritated.

Great.

“Hey, can I talk to you for a moment?” Jacob asks softly, standing up once you reach the table.

“I’d really rather not.”

“Y/N.”

“Why?”

“Just come on,” he scowls, taking a hold of your wrist and practically dragging you out of the room.

“What the fuck?!” you yell the second you two are outside.

“What is going on with you?”

“Jacob-”

“No, you protect me from everything and everyone all the time, but this is the first time that you’re not letting me do it for you. Sarah won’t tell me a damn thing, you’ve been distant and moody, getting you to hangout is like pulling teeth, and I’m fucking worried about you!” he shouts, almost out of breath.

The sight of him has your eyes welling up all over again. His eyes show nothing but pure and genuine concern, his shoulders are tense, and he looks like he’s at his wits end.

This is why you can never be with Andy.                  

“I’m fine, Jake,” you sob.

“Hey, it’s me. You can always talk to me. What happened? Did someone hurt you? Is it your boss? Did I do something? Y/N, please just talk to me.”

“I’m just never...I’m just unhappy with my life right now. I’m so fucking unhappy and I feel like that’s just how it’s always going to be,” you cry, finally letting go.

“Hey no, that’s not true at all! Stop it,” Jacob coos softly as he wraps you in a tight hug. “This isn’t like you at all, Y/N. What happened?”

All you can do is continue to sob, so Jacob walks you both over to a nearby bench and sits you both down. You continue to cry into Jacob’s shoulder, and he gently strokes your back. You can’t help but feel like a complete idiot.

Why did you set yourself up? You’ve always known that Andy is off limits, so why did you ever start making yourself available to him? Why did you ever let yourself get excited at the thought of spending time with him? Him opening up made you feel so fucking special and for what? Him memorizing all of the things you love and make you happy; it shouldn’t have mattered at all.

But it did.

Andy Barber was the first man you’d ever met that made you feel like you were more than just an object; more than just a thing to fulfill men’s fantasies. He took the time to know you, he took the time to learn all of the things you love and make you smile. He was always there for you (no matter how big or large the problem was), he was always able to make you laugh, he was always able to pull you back when you’d go too far off the deep end. He always listened to you without judgment...from the day you two met, Andy had been everything you dreamed of and more.

Even Jacob, with all of his well-intentions, he still looked at you with bedroom eyes from time to time. Hell, he still does every once in a while. Maybe it’s because Andy’s older and more experienced, but he has never made you feel like you’re good for only one thing. From day one, Andy has always made you feel like a person instead of an object. He made you feel like everything about you mattered, not just the parts that could get men off.

“Tell me what’s going on, Y/N,” Jacob coos as your tears finally start to slow.

“My fucking parents,” you lie, trying to calm down and figure out the most believable thing to tell him. “The fucking holidays...they know Christmas is my favorite fucking holiday and they’re bickering about who I should spend it with. When in reality, I don’t want to spend it with either of them.”

“Just spend it my family. My mom loves you, you and my dad are best friends whenever you two are around one another, you and Sarah are best friends-”

“No, it’s not...it’s not just that. I fucking hate this stupid town. I just...I’m just worn out, Jake. I’m exhausted and just need a fucking break. I wish I could just start over and be someone else.”

“The world would be a much shittier place if you weren’t you. Why didn’t you just come and talk to me?”

“You have so much going on already-”

“Listen, you are the best friend I could ever have. You make all of the time in the world for me, of course I’d do the same for you. I just realized that I’m an asshole who dragged you out here without a coat. Lets get back inside,” he smiles and chuckle, wiping your eyes. “Are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Just know that there isn’t anything you can’t tell me. I’m always here for you, no matter what,” he promises sincerely.

Well, if you didn’t feel like shit before, you sure as fuck do now.

You two head back inside and when you get back to the table, it’s obvious to you that Sarah and Andy had a talk. Andy looks defeated and Sarah looks even more heartbroken than she did before.

“What’s wrong with you two?” Jacob laughs as he takes a seat.

“I think I’m going burn these shoes,” Sarah laughs.

“I told you you’d end up hating them!”

“But they were so cute!” she laughs as he dips down to kiss her. “Next time just carry me out of the store.”

“Sounds like a plan,” he smirks “dad, what’s up with you?”

“Just wish tonight could’ve gone differently.”

“Don’t let mom being mom ruin this for you. It was a great night and I’m sure she’ll regret it. Just focus on everyone here who actually supports you.”

“You’re right,” Andy smiles weakly. “Lets say we get out of here, huh?”

“Yeah, I don’t think my feet can tolerate much more of this,” Sarah laughs as she stands up.

“Dad, it really was a great night,” he tells him reassuringly before taking his suit jacket off the back of his chair.

If only Jacob knew how shitty the night really went.

**

The days leading up to Christmas are the loneliest days you’ve ever experienced. Some days, you’re able to talk yourself out of a breakdown, and other days they’re unavoidable. Since you can’t talk to or see Andy, you settle for the next best thing: watching old video and reading through old text messages. It’s the only thing you can think of to dull the pain without actually seeing him. Every day you hope he’ll cave, but you know he won’t because that’s not who he is.

That’s not the man you fell in love with.

It doesn’t help that Jacob keeps begging you to come over for Christmas. You know he means well, and that it’s part your fault because you lied to him at the party, but the thought of seeing him with her fills you with so much anger. It’s all bullshit, because he isn’t happy at all. Having to sit there and watching them fake it for hours will only drive you insane. Plus, you know she’ll make a show of it because you’ll be there, and that’ll only anger Andy and make him uncomfortable, and you could never do that to him.

Sarah’s been giving you small updates from time to time, and she says he’s barely home. When he is, he’s a recluse, the arguments have gotten louder, and he’s easily irritated. Part of you wishes she wouldn’t tell you anything, because all it does is make things harder, but at the same time you’re happy to get them. You want updates on him because you need to know how he is. The fact that he’s so unhappy and frustrated makes you even more upset. You just want to hold him and make everything better, but you can’t. You want to take a late night drive with him and tell him it’ll get better, but you can’t. You want to take care of him the way hes always taken care of you, but you can’t.

You just want your Andy to be okay.

Eventually you got Jacob off your back about Christmas by lying and saying you decided to spend it with your mother, because you’re worried about her, which is why you’re now laid out on your sofa (in just the extra large AC/DC crew neck he got you on a whim), watching ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ while eating a pint of strawberry cheesecake ice cream. You can’t have your ideal Christmas, so you may as well settle for second best.

You roll your eyes when you hear your cell phone going off and choose to ignoring (hoping that Jacob, your mother, or father) would take the hint and go away. However, when it goes off for a second time, you scowl before answering it.

“Hello?” you answer harshly, hoping whoever is on the other line will take the hint and go away.

“Well, Merry Christmas to you too,” a familiar deep voice responds with a soft chuckles.

“Andy?”

“Hey sweetheart.”

“What...you can’t-”

“I told everyone I needed to go for a drive, it’s fine.”

“We’re not supposed to-”

“Come to the window,” he demands softly.

Almost instantly, you’re on your feet and looking out of the full window in your small living area, “you get to see me but I don’t get to see you? That’s not fair.”

“Let me rectify that,” he laughs before letting his window down and smiling up at you, “better?”

“Much,” you smile with a small wave “why aren’t you home?”

“I am now.”

“Andy.”

“It’s Christmas. I wanted to get as close to being with the one I love as I could.”

“Andy-”

“You have amazing legs, sweetheart. Is that the AC/DC crew neck I got you?”

“It is,” you laugh softly with a small sniffle.

“Are those tattoos I see on your thighs?”

“Yes they are,” you laugh, remembering how much your mom hated them and cried when she first saw them.

“How did I not notice them at the party?”

“The dress covered them.”

“Well, I was robbed.”

“Andy,” you laugh “what are you doing here?”

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too, baby.”

“I also dropped off your Christmas present.”

“What?! Andy-”

“Relax,” he laughs softly “it’s not some big to-do. I know you’d hate that.”

“I didn’t get you anything! I wasn’t-”

“Seeing you right now is a gift, even if it’s not exactly the way I want it to go. I’m happy, honey. This is more than enough.”

“Andy...” you trail off, fighting back tears.

“Go to the door and get your present. God, you don’t know how hard it was for me to not knock on that fucking door.”

“How long have you been out there?” you ask as you make your way over to your door, quickly opening and closing the door after you pick up the neatly wrapped gift.

“Longer than I should,” he laughs.

“You didn’t have to do anything for me,” you smile softly as you sit on the window sill.

“Open it!”

“I am! So damn pushy,” you laugh as you pull the wrapping paper off. “Oh...Andy...this is so fucking thoughtful.”

“I did good?”

“I’m putting it in bedroom and the other on my key chain holding my car keys and the key to my apartment,” you sob as you look over the thoughtful gifts.

One of was a medium sized framed picture of the selfie you two took while sitting on the hood of Andy’s car, while the sun rose and you two eat ice cream. The other, was a quote from ‘To Have and To Have Not’ that said “If you want anything, just whistle.”

“I should have gotten you something,” you sniffle as you dry your eyes.

“This is more than enough.”

“I love you, Andy. God, I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you too, honey.”

“You should be here.”

“I know I should be,” he sighs heavily “how’s ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ going?”

“Same as it always goes,” you laugh softly.

“I’m gonna go.”

“Please...just a couple more minutes?”

“You don’t know how hard it was for me to not knock on your door and beg you to let me in.”

“Who says you would have had to beg me for anything?”

“Honey.”

“I just...I keep thinking what this day would’ve been like if I spent it with you. Really spent it with you.”

“Yeah? What do you have in mind?”

“We would’ve had breakfast together, watched sappy Christmas movies, exchanged gifts, watched more movies together...”

“And then what?”

“Hands where I can see ‘em, Barber,” you smirk and he chuckles “we would have taken turns showing each other how we appreciate each other.”

“Tell me not to come up there right there right now and show you how much I love you.”

“Don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because it can’t happen, baby.”

“I just want to be with you, honey.”

“I feel the same,” you smile weakly.

“I’m gonna go. Merry Christmas, I love you.”

“I love you, Andy. Merry Christmas.”

As you watch him drive off after he hangs up, you clutch the key chain tighter  and wish that you’re selfish enough to tell him to stay. All you want is to fall asleep and wake up him by your side, holding you close and kissing you deeply. It’s not fucking fair that the one person who finally makes you feel alive is the one person you can’t be with.

So, from that day on you’re even more frustrated and irritated. Why can’t she just give him the damn divorce? He clearly doesn’t want to be with her, so what the hell she still trying to hold on to. She knows that Andy will give her whatever she wants, so why she can’t she just let it go? As for Jacob...if he really hates the idea of you then obviously you’d back off, but what it really be so bad to try?

Ugh, you don’t know why you keep thinking about it, because it can’t happen. Even with Laurie gone and Jacob magically accepting it, there’s still the fact that you have a reputation that will never change. You could never do that to him. He’s been through enough, and the last thing you want is to add another obstacle and frustration to his life.

You can’t be with him, so you just need to let it go. You need to let all ideas of Andy Barber go.

“Darling,” your father calls, pulling you out of your thoughts “you didn’t answer my question.”

“I didn’t hear it,” you mumble before taking a sip of your coffee.

“Are you going to be mad at me forever?”

“Can we not do this today? It’s a nice Spring day and I’m just not in the mood.”

“You’re acting like I’m some sort of-”

“First of all, I’m not acting like anything. You’re an asshole and you know what you did was fucked up. I know how you lost all the money in the first place. You gambled it all away, not giving a damn that you had a wife and child at home. You did what you wanted, then picked fights with mom over it. THEN, you somehow managed to beat the odds and win the fucking lottery, and you’re still a dick. You start seeing her,” you snap looking over at his young bride “and start picking the most idiotic fights with mom. Then, to top it all off, you fucking leave like a coward. In the middle of the night so you don’t have to deal with any of the aftermath. As if that wasn’t bad enough, you had my best friend’s dad serve mom the papers! So let’s not sit here and pretend you’re not a complete dick, because you are. Second, you brought her here and didn’t bother to fucking tell me about it, because you knew I wouldn’t fucking show if she came. You’re trying to force me to be okay with her, when you know I’ll never be okay.”

“Y/N-”

“You left!” you snapped, slamming your down on the table. “You left and you left me all alone to clean up the mess that you made! I don’t wanna hear it!”

“Y/N-” his new wife starts.

“If you wanna leave this place without a broken fuckin’ nose, I suggest you shut up,” you warn, glaring at her. “As for you, don’t sit here and act like it’s damn surprise that the sight of you makes me sick!”

“What about you?! It’s not like you’re some saint! Everyone knows that Laurie Barber doesn’t want you around her husband!”

“That’s because she’s a cunt! I haven’t laid a hand on Mr. Barber and I haven’t seen him in months! Don’t try to paint us as one and the same, because we are so much less alike than you’d ever think!”

“Y/N, stop. I had no right and I’m sorry-”

“Jesus, are we done here? Have we put one another through enough?”

“Y/N-”

“Are we done?!”

“Yes,” he sighs sorrowfully, hanging his head in defeat.

“Fucking amazing,” you mutter before throwing your towel down and getting up “feel free to never call me again.”

As you walk out, you can’t help but feel bad. Yes, your father has had it coming for years, but your outburst wasn’t because he’s a piece of shit, it was because you miss Andy. You haven’t seen him since Christmas and it’s driving you insane. Is that all you two have now? Stolen moments on holidays? Stolen moments where you two can’t even touch or hold one another? Why can’t you just let it go? Why can’t you let Andy go?

You’ve studied the photo he gave you for Christmas a million times, hell you even hold while you sleep sometimes. Why? Because it’s all you have. Sometimes, you tell yourself that you’ll just move and start over, but just makes everything hurt more.Yeah, you’re away from him now, but being another state away? Another country? It’s just too much.

You try to get your mood together as you get ready to go over Jacob’s house, but you know he won’t be there and she will be. How you haven’t got into an all out fist fight with Laurie Barber yet is beyond you, but with the way your day is going, you won’t count anything. As you try to put together a decent enough outfit, your phone goes off and you pray it’s someone who won’t want to make you throw yourself out of a window.

“Hello?”

“So, I hear you went to lunch with your father and I’m the big bad witch.”

Prayer denied. “Hi mom.”

“I don’t know why you even bothered to go at all, why you try to have a relationship with him.”

“The same reason we keep up this charade, mom: he won’t leave me alone.”

“Don’t be a bitch.”

“You started it.”

“Why don’t you settle down? Everyone knows you love older men, and older men love to settle down. Laurie Barber is so desperate to keep you away from her husband, why don’t you go after him?”

“It’s 5:30 in the evening, mom. You’re this drunk already?”

“Well, I was bored,” she sighs with a humorless laugh.

“Unfortunately, I don’t have time to entertain you. Talk to you later,” you mutter before hanging up and almost throwing your phone down.

It’s not like you were in a good mood to begin with, but after having to deal with, but there’s no way in fuck you can be in the Barber household right now, especially with Laurie being there. You let out a heavy sigh knowing that the call you’re about to make isn’t going to go well.

“Hey!” Jacob answers enthusiastically and it only makes you feel worse. “Are you on your way?”

“I uh...I’m not coming. You guys have fun without me.”

“Y/N-”

“I don’t need it today, Jake. I had the lunch from hell with my father and then my mother called me, drunk, and decided to tell me that she thinks everyone in town still thinks that I’m a whore.”

“What the...are you serious?!”

“Don’t Jake, just don’t.”

“She can’t talk to you like that!”

“She’s my mother, apparently she can do whatever she wants.”

“I’m gonna-”

“You’re not going to do anything, Jake. Just leave it alone. I’ll handle all of it at some point, I just need to decompress.”

“So you’re gonna find someone to sleep with?”

“Well, I haven’t been fucked in months and I’m having the day from hell, so why not?”

“It seems like you’re always having the day from hell.”

“Jesus, not you too! Can I just catch a fucking break?! We can argue tomorrow?!”

“I miss my best fucking friend! I feel like I haven’t seen you in-”

“Jacob, when you’re in this house, watch your mouth!” you hear Laurie yell and you feel your blood start to boil.

“Jake, I’m sorry I let you down and I love you to death, but I can’t fucking do this right now. I need time away.”

“Fine, whatever. Talk to tomorrow,” he grumbles before hanging up

You can’t catch a fucking break.

You throw your phone down before heading into your bedroom and searching your closet. Maybe getting fucked will help you. No, it obviously won’t be getting fucked by the man you want, but something has to be better than nothing at this point...right?

You pull out one of your sexier dresses, making sure to tie it low, so there’s a good view of your cleavage,you wear your favorite skinny open-toed black heels, and apply your makeup perfectly. It’s not lost on you how good you look, and you’re hoping to be back at your place soon enough, but all of it feels wrong. If you’re not going home with the one you want, why are you going out at all?

The only thing you can come up with is that you need some sort of release before you snap on someone.

By the time your car service pulls up to the bar, you’re regretting going out at all, but you have to try. You can’t make your whole life about Andy, and you have to try and move on. Moving on doesn’t mean finding Mr. Right, it just means not letting yourself get wrapped up in one person that you can never be with. You’re determined to leave with someone.

However, by hour two of your excursion, you’re ready to throw in the towel.

It’s not like you haven’t been hit on by attractive men, but they’re all the wrong men. The more you try and force yourself to be engaged and attracted, the less you feel encouraged to go through your plan. As you sit at the bar, wondering why you can’t just give him up. ‘How Do I Make You Love Me?’ by the Weeknd starts playing.

“Well, this is a welcomed surprise,” a deep familiar voice says as he takes a seat next to you.

“Of all the gin joints in the world,” you smirk before finishing your drink “how may I help you, Mr. Barber? This really isn’t the type of place I ever expected to find you in.”

“Wasn’t my idea,” he smirks as he nods towards the other end of the bar, a few of his friends nodding at the both of you.

“Why aren’t you at...cause I’m supposed to be at your house right now,” you chuckle humorlessly as the bartender brings you another whiskey neat.

“How many of those have you had?”

“Not enough,” you grin “I’m sure Laurie called you to tell you it’s safe to come home.”

“I don’t want to be in that house.”

“And why is that, Mr. Barber?” you slur slightly as you turn to look at him.

“It’s not a home unless you’re there and you know that,” he confesses softly. “Why are you here?”

“I’m trying to get over you.”

“Don’t do that,” he begs quicker than he means to.

‘How do I make you love me? (How do I make you fall for me?)’

“Why not?”

“Because you’re mine and I’m yours. Don’t throw us away so quickly.”

‘How do I make you want me? (And make it last eternally?)’

“Don’t.”

“You’re right, lets get you home.”

“That defeats the purpose.”

“Don’t make me watch you go home with someone else, please.”

“You can leave now.”

“I don’t wanna leave without you.”

‘I only want what’s right in front of me.

It’s quite unusual, seeking approval,

Begging for it desperately’

“We can’t keep doing this to each other,” you tell him softly as you look away from him.

“Let me take you home,” he begs softly.

“What if I said I don’t want you to take me home?”

“I’d call you a big fucking liar,” he smirks before looking at the bartender “she’s done here and would like to settle her tab,” he smiles as he pulls out his wallet.

“Andy-”

“If I hadn’t see you, I would be able to pretend,” he confesses softly as he hands the bartender his card, “but I wouldn’t leave until I saw you leave, and it would fucking kill me.”

“Andy-”

“I love you, Y/N. God, I love you so fucking much, and it drives me insane, because I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t want to fall asleep next to you every night, I shouldn’t want to hear your voice every second of every day, I shouldn’t want to hear what my name sounds like when it leaves your lips as I fuck you senseless, I shouldn’t want to shower you with gifts, I shouldn’t want to kiss you all the time, I shouldn’t fucking love you, Y/N. Even if there wasn’t Laurie, even if you weren’t Jacob’s best friend, you’ve been through enough hell and you deserve to be young and finally fucking have fun. You should be hooking up, dating around, and just having fun. We shouldn’t be what we fucking are to each other, but I just...Jesus, I love you. I’ve tried to stop and do the right thing, but I just...you live in my head and my heart. I can’t get you out, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, because I don’t want to be another person in your life asking too much of you,” he finishes, letting out a defeated sigh as the bartender hands him his card. “If I hadn’t been here tonight, I could pretend that you’re at home watching ‘Casablanca’ for the millionth time, but I’m here and I see how you look. Someone else being buried deep inside you, feeling your warmth, getting to know you intimately...I just can’t handle that. Finish your drink and I’ll let the guys know I’m taking you home,” he says softly before walking.

You instantly down your drink, because what else can you do? The man just poured his heart out, telling you that he feels the exact same way you do, so what else are you supposed to do? You’re in public so you can’t cry, you can’t hug him, and you sure as shit can’t kiss him. All you can do is drink your fucking drink and ignore what you’re feeling.

As he makes his way back over to you, he cocks an eyebrow and you just nod. The walk to his car is quite and so is the car ride to your place. You want to say something, but you don’t know what to say. The only thing you can think of is how much you love him, how much you want him, and the fucking lyrics to that song.

‘How do I make you love me? (How do I make you fall for me?)

How do I make you want me? (And make it last eternally?)’

All you want is Andy and you want everything with him forever. It also doesn’t help that his confession about wanting to fuck you senseless won’t stop playing in your brain on surround sound. You know that part of the reason for it is because you’re touch starved, but it’s not like that matters much anyway.

The only touch you’re starving for is Andy’s.

By the time he pulls into the parking garage of your complex, your brain is at war with itself and going a million miles a minute.

“You didn’t have park down here.”

“You’re drunk, I’m not letting you go up there on your own.”

“I can take the elevator, Andy.”

“Good, so I can drop you off and come right back down.”

“Andy-”

“Honey, it’s been a long fucking day. Just let me do this, please?”

“Fine,” you huff, getting out of the car and slamming the door shut.

“Why are you mad at me?”

“Like you said, it’s been a long a fucking day-”

“No, talk to me!” he snaps grabbing your wrist.

“Jesus Andy!” you yell, but as you turn to meet his gaze, you see that his eyes hold nothing but love and pure genuine concern.

Why are you two so fucking gone for one another?

“Andy...just let me go.”

“Talk to me.”

“This can’t ever...you deserve better! You talk about how much I’ve been through, what about you?!”

“What about me?”

“Your dad, losing your mom right before college, everything with Jacob, all of the shit Lauries’ put you through...you think I want you to have to deal with the scrutiny that comes with dating the town whore?”

“You’re not-”

“It doesn’t matter, Andy. They’re all committed to seeing me in that light-”

“But I’m not,”he says firmly, but his tone is still soft as softly grips your shoulders.

“Andy, I love you. It honestly hurts, because you were never...this was never supposed to happen. You’re a dream that’s never supposed to come true.”

“Sweetheart, you’ve always been my dream,” he tells you softly as he rests his forehead against yours.

You want to live in this moment forever.

“You have to get me upstairs,” you sigh, looking down at your fingers interlocked with his.

“We should get started then, shouldn’t we?” he questions so softly you barely hear it.

You two continue to hold hands as you walk to the elevator, and you don’t let go for the ride up to your floor. The only time Andy lets go of your hand is when you’re fishing out your keys, and even then he’s reluctant to let go.

“You’ll let me know when you’re home safe?” you question as you both step inside your apartment, but you can barely focus on hearing his answer.

“I always do. I’m sorry I-”

Before the last bit of the sober part of your brain can protest, you’re pulling Andy close and kissing him as if you’re life depends on it. It’s not desperate or messy, but it does a good job of showing just how much you need him. How much you’ve always needed him.

You expect him to stop and pull away, but his response is the exact opposite. He pins you against the wall and deepens it, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you as close to him as he can. His tongue traces the outline of your bottom lip as his hands start to explore your body, and you gladly give him access as you run your hands through his hair, gripping it just enough to get a grunt of approval.

It feels like you’re finally alive; every bit of your body tingles with excitement, and every part of you that he touches feels as if it’s on fire. You’ve never felt something so all consuming and powerful, and you never want it to end. Andy’s awoken something deep inside of you, and now you don’t know if you can survive without him.

You barely were before.

He starts to trail skillful kisses down your neck as he fumbles with the front of your shirt, trying to untie it, and it feels like heaven. “Andy,” you moan as your eyes flutter shut and you lull your head back.

He freezes almost instantly.

“Fuck!” he breathes heavily into the crook of your neck. “I gotta go. Shit!”

“What? No! Why-”

“Don’t, sweetheart,” he sighs as he stands up straight, “fuck, I’m so sorry-”

“Andy what did I do? What’s wrong?”

“You are perfect, you could never...it’s me. I know better and still...you’re drunk!”

“What does that have to do with anything? I love you whether I’m drunk or sober. I want you whether I’m drunk or sober.”

“It would be one thing if we were both drunk or sober, but I can’t do this and not feel like I’m taking advantage of you!”

“I kissed you!”

“Because you’re drunk!”

“Okay, so I acted on liquid courage, so what? It doesn’t change-”

“Honey, please.”

The look on his face lets you know that he’s at war with himself and it breaks your heart. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I can’t keep...you aren’t mine.”

“Yes I am, Andy,” you tell him softly holding his torn gaze. “I’m all yours and yours alone. No one’s touched me since that day you showed up at my apartment for drinks, and I’ve been in love with you since that night we went out for ice cream and watched the sunrise. I am all yours and I only ever want to be yours. Drunk or sober, you’re all I’ll ever want.”

“God, this isn’t fucking fair,” he grumbles, resting his forehead against yours. “I’m so fucking in love with you...I wish I could show you...I’m gonna go, sweetheart.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I don’t want to, but it’s for the best. I’ll text you when I’m there.”

“I love you.”

“I love you,” he sighs heavily, kissing your forehead before leaving.

In no time at all, you’re undressing yourself and getting yourself off in bed; Andy’s name leaving your lips every time you reach your climax. No, it’s not ideal and definitely how you wanted to end your night, but it’s enough.

For now.

**

Andy’s P.OV.

“Jesus Laurie, just drop it! It was three weeks ago and I told you about it!” I yell as we have the same argument, for what feels like the millionth time.

“What were you even doing in a club, Andy?!”

“You didn’t want me here, remember? You wanted me to out of the house, because Y/N was supposed to be here.”

“Well, she very clearly wasn’t, Andy! I text you that it was okay to come home-”

“I’m not a fucking dog, Laurie! You can’t just command me around-”

“I’m not trying to command you-”

“Yes you are! For fucks sake, just sign the divorce papers! There’s nothing to save! Let it go!”

“Stop saying that! What? Are you in love with someone else? Are you-”

“Yes Laurie, I am in love with someone else, and you refusing to do the one thing I ask you to do is making it all that much harder to move on!”

“Why am I the only one fighting to make this marriage work?!”

“Because you’re the one that cheated!” I shout as I make my way into the living room. “You never loved me, because you never knew the real me, and that’s fine. It’s my fault, but now...what’s the reason to keep this up? Jacob’s about to move out, you clearly have other interests-”

“That was once!”

“It was twice, and one of them was an actual fucking relationship! Laurie, I can’t keep-”

“I love you! I know I’ve fucked up and I’m sorry, but we can salvage this!”

“There’s nothing to-”

“Yes there is!” Laurie yells, throwing her glass down.

How the fuck did we end up like this?

“Look at us, Laurie. There’s nothing healthy or right about us anymore. We just don’t work anymore. This doesn’t work and there’s no reason for us to try and force it. Just let it go. Let me go. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“You just need time, Andy. We both do.”

“Laurie, I’m in love with someone else and I’ll be in love with her until my dying breath. I did everything in my power to fix this and now I’m tired. I’m tired and I’m done.”

“You just need time.”

“No, I need a fucking divorce. I’m done, Laurie.”

“I’ll spend the night at my parent’s place and give you time to think about it. We’ll talk about it more when I’m back in the morning.”

“Laurie, you can be gone for a week. You can leave for a month for all I care. I’ll still want a divorce!”

“Just think on it!” she snaps before heading upstairs.

I let out a frustrated grunt before heading into the kitchen and pouring myself a glass of bourbon. 12pm on a fucking Saturday and I’m already pouring myself a drink.

Great.

I don’t know how many times I can have the same fucking argument before I truly snap. I’ve done all I can to be graceful about this, and maybe that’s the fucking problem. I keep trying to spare Laurie’s feelings and am unable to show you that I’m all in.

It’s not like it’s lost on me that our relationship is going to be hard, but I don’t care. I don’t care about the stares, I don’t care about the whispers, and I don’t care about the backlash. Jacob? He’ll be pissed, but he’ll get over it. If he can’t...then it’ll just something else that we have to work through.

I love you. I just want to be with you.

“Alright, I’ll call tomorrow when I’m on my way back and we can-”

“Laurie, I’m moving out. I’ve found a condo and I’m gonna start packing up my stuff next week.”

“You just need time, Andy,” she mutters as her eyes start to water.

“Laurie, please just sign the damn papers. We tried and it just didn’t work-”

“We’ll talk when I get back tomorrow. We both just need to cool off,” she sniffs before turning and walking out.

Why can’t any of this be easy? I just want you. I just need you. For the sake of Jacob and you, I’d really rather not get into an all out war with Laurie over this, but I’m done. I can’t keep telling you I love you and not actually showing you. Not actually prove it. I’ve gotta figure out a way to get out of this and get you back in these arms where you belong.

I need to figure out how to make you mine.

Y/N’s P.O.V

As you pull up to the Barber household, you only see Andy’s car in the driveway.

Great.

You quickly pull out your phone and dial Jacob’s number, praying that he answers.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. We should be leaving soon,” Jacob sighs as soon as he answers.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just didn’t think we’d be at her parents so long, and now I feel like an asshole because I bullied you into hanging out.”

“Don’t feel like an asshole,” you scoff, rubbing the back of your neck, “I’ll just head home and you can-”

“No no, just stay there. You know where the spare key is and I’m sure my parents won’t care. Just hangout in my room and we’ll meet you up there.”

“Jake-”

“No, because if you go home, you’re just gonna wanna hangout there for the night. We all swore that we were gonna go out tonight. Between work and school, we all need this.”

“I promise that I won’t make us all stay in the house.”

“You’re so full of shit,” he chuckles as you start laughing, “we really should be leaving soon. Just make yourself comfortable and we’ll see you in a bit.”

“Sounds good,” you smile before hanging up.

You know that it’s in your best interest to go home, especially since Andy’s home, but you don’t want to let Jacob down. You’ve been a moody bitch for months and it only got worse after everything that happened with Andy.

Andy.

You haven’t seen or spoken to him since you two briefly made out in your apartment. Hes tried calling and texting, but you’ve been too embarrassed and ashamed to answer. How could you be so careless? So empty headed? He’s married and you’re best friend’s dad. What made you think it okay?

The fact that you love him.

Drunk or sober, it was bound to happen. Trying to hide from your feelings could only get you so far for so long. You and Andy had been playing a dangerous games with fire for a while, and it only made sense for it all to come to a head when you’d been drinking.

However, facing him after everything...it feels impossible.

But you’re not about to let Jacob.

You take a deep breath before getting out of your car and looking the house over. You’ve been in this house a million times, but this feels so much heavier. It feels heavier and it feels wrong.

How are you supposed to go into the family house when you know you’re part of the reason it’s about to be broken up? No, you’re not the main reason, but it’s become very obvious didn’t start pushing hard for the divorce until you two started spending all your free time together. It also doesn’t help that you told him just how in love with him you are.

You let out an exasperated sigh and rest your head on the steering wheel. You owe Jacob, plus he said he’d be home soon. As long as you hide out in Jacob’s room and avoid Andy, you should be fine.

The second you get out the car, you race up the steps (not wanting to be seen my the neighbors for fear of them telling Laurie), grab the spare key from the inside of the porcelain frog that sits on the top step, and and practically run inside. You expect to be met with some sort of noise, but it’s eerily quiet.

“Hello?” you call out.

No response.

“Andy?”

Non response.

‘I guess he’s out with Laurie,’ you think to yourself with a shrug.

You check your phone and see that it’s 5:40. The plan was to head to the restaurant at 6, so you just have to hold out for a little bit. You quickly make your way upstairs, and stop right outside of the Barbers bedroom. Well, Laurie’s bedroom since Andy never sleeps in it anymore. For just a moment, you contemplate going in and grabbing one of Andy’s sweaters. It’s not like anyone’s home. You can quickly spray it with his cologne, throw it in the trunk of your car, and none on one would have a clue.

But you can’t.

Besides the fact that it’s stealing (and borderline crazy), it’s not going to help anything at all. In fact, sleeping in something of his that smells exactly like him,  will only make it worse. You’ve got to stop. You complete your journey to Jacob’s room and lay down on his bed, hoping and praying that Jacob get home before Laurie and Andy do.

As much you try to fight it, you find yourself falling asleep, finally realizing just how tired you are. It makes sense, because you did spend last night crying over Andy.

Just like every other night.

You’re not worried because you know that Jacob will have no problem with waking you up loudly and rudely. You fall asleep hoping that, for once, your dream won’t be about Andy.

However, you know in your heart that it will be. Everything is always about him.

**

You’re awoken by a loud thunder clap, and you almost fall out of the damn bed. It’s pitch black and you can heavy raindrops against the window and the  roof, and you try to figure out what fucking day it is.

You check your phone and see that it’s 10:30, you have three missed calls from Jacob, one unread text from him, and a flash flood warning.

Lovely.

The Dark Lord: I’m assuming you’re asleep. I’m so fucking sorry, when we were finally ready to leave, this stupid storm started. Sarah’s parents begged us to stay until it was over, but it only got worse. Now we’re 6 wine glasses in and in no shape to drive. Not to mention, this rain isn’t letting up any time soon. PLEASE stay at my house, I don’t want you driving in this shit, and I promise to make it up to you. I’m so fucking sorry.

You roll your eyes as you look at outside and see that Andy’s car is still the only car that’s at the house. Maybe everyone decided to stay where they were at.

Y/N: I’m finishing off the bottle of whiskey that’s in your room.

The Dark Lord: That’s more than fine. We’ll all out to breakfast or lunch tomorrow. Again, I’m so sorry. I love you.

Y/N: It’s fine, I’d rather you be safe more than anything else. I love you and tell Sarah I love her too. I’ll see you both tomorrow.

You toss your phone down onto the bed before grabbing the bottle he keeps tucked away in his bottom drawer. Deciding that you’re not in the mood to wear pants, you change into one of his hoodies while turning on his TV. All you’ve eaten today is a granola bar; you’re hoping that you’ll get drunk and knock out quickly. Even though you drink the bottle quickly, it’s not working: you’re at the end of the bottle and you’re only buzzed. You groan in annoyance and decide there’s no shame in raiding the Barbers’ alcohol cabinet since no one’s home.

You make your quick trek down the steps and you’re so focused on your task at hand that you don’t notice anything else around you. You just want to get back in bed and go to sleep.

“Watch your step, there’s glass,” Andy slurs, causing you to scream and jump at the same time.

“What the fuck, Andy?!”

“How did you not know I was here? My car’s parked outside.”

“I called for you when I first got here! I called for anyone!”

“Oh, I was knocked out. I was drunk by 3:30, slept it off. Woke up again at 7 and decided I was still thirsty.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing, I’m fine.”

“You’re drunk, not fucking stupid. Don’t lie to me.”

“What were you going to get?” he smirks, finally looking over at you.

“A glass and a bottle of something to drink so I can go back to sleep.”

“Grab a glass and have a drink with me.”

“Let me go put pants on.”

“It’s not like I haven’t seen your legs before.”

“This is different.”

“How so?”

“We’re alone.”

“Which makes it even better.”

“Andy-”

“Go grab your glass, honey,” he urges reassuringly, with a wave of his hand and a car dealer smile.

You ignore all of the voices in your head telling you not to do it; instead you watch your step and grab a glass from the kitchen. You take a deep breath and look at the pictures on the fridge: Jacob, his parents, Jacob and Andy.

‘Don’t do anything stupid,’ you tell yourself mentally before making your way back into the living room.

“Since when do you like the Turner Classic Movies channel?” you ask as you take a seat on the sofa.

“Well, ‘Maltese Falcon’ was on earlier and I wanted to impress you, then ‘Fall of the House of Usher’ came on and I just never turned the channel,” he shrugs and you laugh. “Sorry you got stuck here.”

“It’s fine. Better than being stuck in my apartment.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Needed to get out. I wasn’t doing good in there all alone.”

“You should’ve answered my texts or returned my calls.”

“And deal with having to face you? No thanks, I’m good,” you chuckle humorlessly as you pour yourself a drink, down it in one shot, and pour yourself another.

“Is loving me really so terrible?”

“It is when we can’t be together.”

“Why can’t we?” he asks, turning his full attention to you. “You got bangs.”

“Sarah said I should.”

“Good choice on her part, you look amazing. You always look amazing.”

“What happened, baby?”

“I lied to you,” Andy starts as he pours himself another drink, “I said Laurie only cheated once, which was complete and utter bullshit. The first time she cheated, it was a full on affair. They had hotel dates, he took her out to dinner and bought her flowers, fucked her a lot, but I forgave it because I wanted to try and make it work. She’s my wife, the mother of my son, and we’ve been together forever, so of course I wanted to make it work. Then, the night that I was at your place and we were watching ‘Vivacious Lady’, when I didn’t answer. She went out and cheated again.”

“What the fuck?! Andy, I’m so fucking sorry!”

“So, I’ve been pushing even harder for the divorce and she still refuses. She thinks I just need more time, which I very much don’t. I’m not in love with her, and the more that I think about it, I don’t think I ever was. Sure, I had feelings for her, but never like the feelings I have for you. Not even close. So, we got into an argument, she threw the glass down in frustration, she asked me if I’m in love with someone else and I told her yes, and she said that I just need time and we’ll talk about it when she gets back in the morning from her parent’s house.”

“Andy...I’m so-”

“Why are you sorry? What did you do? You didn’t tell her to cheat, you didn’t tell her to lie to me about it, and you sure as shit didn’t push her into someone else’s arms. She did that. If anything, I’m sorry. I keep telling you that I love you and then I don’t prove it. I don’t show it.”

“It doesn’t matter because we can’t-”

“Why can’t we be together, sweetheart? I’m leaving Laurie, one way or another, and Jacob will get over it. I love you and you love me, so why can’t we be together?”

“The town-”

“Fuck all of them. Who gives a fuck what they think? Who gives a fuck if they turn up their noses? You wanna move out of state? Let’s go. You want me to fight any asshole who gives you a hard time? I’ll fucking do it. I love you. I want to be with you. That’s not changing.”

“Andy-”

“Come here, sweetheart,” he coaxes softly, and it’s like your body can’t help but obey; it’s on auto pilot.

With your drink in hand, you slowly make your way over to him and straddle him, “I should go back to my place.”

“Not in this weather, and we both know you don’t want to. You belong right here with me, just like I belong with you.”

“How are we supposed to be together? Laurie will go out of her way to make your life miserable-”

“Isn’t that what she’s doing now?”

“Baby-”

“You are so fucking beautiful,” he comments softly as he looks you over. “So fucking beautiful and the best fucking soul I’ve ever known.”

“You’re drunk,” you basically whisper as you look over his features.

His grays aren’t necessarily noticeable, but the ones you see peeking out accent him well. He looks exhausted but not old, frustrated but not worn out, and anxious but not terrified. He looks like he just needs someone to take his mind off of things for a while, and you want more than anything to be that for him.

“Ya know, I really like your tattoos,” he chuckles as his hands smooth over your thighs.

“Yeah? You don’t disapprove?”

“Hard for me to do that when I have a few of my own.”

“Oh?”

“If you want, I can show you tonight.”

“What do you want?”

“I want to love you until you’re spent, honey,” he whispers hotly against your neck before kissing it.

“Andy, are you sure you want this?” you moan as you grind against him slightly.

“You don’t know how many times I’ve gotten off to the thought of you being a begging mess beneath me,” he groans as he starts rubbing your clothed clit, making you let out a desperate whimper. “Lace panties?”

“I didn’t...I didn’t think anyone would know. It’s laundry day.”

“Lucky me,” he chuckles, picking up his pace. “Ya know, if this thin material is already soaked, I wonder what that perfect little cunt feels like,” he smirks as he pushes your panties to the side, before lightly tracing over your aching lips. “God, this pussy is just begging for me, isn’t it?” he questions before easily sliding two fingers in you.

“Andy,” you moan softly, gripping one of his shoulders tight with your free hand, giving in to what you’ve wanted for so long.

“Aren’t you just the perfect girl?” he husks as he starts to slowly fuck you.

“Baby, please don’t stop!”

“I’ve barely done anything and you’re so ready for me to destroy you.”

“I haven’t been touched in so long...been dreaming of this, Daddy,” you whimper as he picks up his pace.

“God, I can’t wait to taste this fucking cunt! What a good little girl!”

“Andy!”

“Oh, someone’s close,” he smirks as he curls his fingers, rubbing that spot that brings you to life.

“Daddy please!” you cry out as you press your forehead against his.

“Cum for me, baby! I’ve been dying to taste this cunt and I can’t wait to be deep inside you.”

“Andy!” you cry out, cumming hard on his fingers as you get lost in the euphoria of it all.

He fucks you through your ecstasy, pressing soft kisses to your temple, as you try and come back down to reality. You’re well aware that there’s no coming back from the line you two just crossed, but you also don’t care. You don’t want to come back from it. The both of you held off long enough and it’s way past time for you two to truly express how you honestly feel for one another.

He slowly removes his two fingers before smearing your lips with them. Before he has a chance, you kiss him deeply as you grind your hips against his. He groans into your mouth, and it’s enough to send you off all over again.

“You taste so much better than I ever imagined,” he broods once you two break apart. “Tell me you want this as much as I do.”

“I’ve never wanted anything more,” you whisper, leaning in closer. “I think you should take what’s always been yours, Daddy,” you finish before gently biting on his ear lobe.

In almost a blink of an eye, Andy’s hold on your waist is tighter and he’s standing up as if you’re weightless. You wrap your legs around him before going in for another all consuming, passionate kiss, surprising yourself with just how well you’re able to keep a hold of your drink.

Andy only makes it halfway up the stairs before he’s pinning you against the wall, and furiously making out with you while grinding himself against you.

“Baby please,” you whine, desperate to feel his skin pressed against yours.

“Wait...waited so fucking long to have someone as perfect as you,” he breathes out as he trails kisses down your neck: “I wanna savor every moment of this.”

“You can have anything you want from me tonight, baby. You can take everything you want from me.”

He marches you up the hallway, a step at a time, pace quickening the closer he gets to the already open bedroom door. He kicks the door closed behind the both of you before gently letting you down off him and lying you onto the bed (you finally placing your drink down on the nightstand), leaning over you with an eager smile, raining kisses onto you like a spring shower.

Right as he’s about to pull off your panties, he stands up straight and takes a step back, “take off the hoodie.”

The command is soft, but is stern enough to let you know that he’s done being cute about everything. You keep your gaze on him as you sit up, before slowly removing Jacob’s hoodie, which leaves you only in your lace black bra matching your panties.

“Fuck.”

“Now, you have to show me something,” you encourage as you slide one of your hands down between your legs.

“Anything you want,” he husks as he fights the urge to start palming himself over his pants; his eyes never leaving you and your movements.

“Lets start simple, baby. Take off your shirt,” you moan, separating your legs so he can get a better view of you caressing your clothed clit, biting your bottom lip so you can suppress a moan.

It’s hard not to focus on the bulge in his pants and how much you want what he’s concealing inside your mouth, but the second his shirt is off, you can’t take your eyes off of his chest.

“Jesus.”

No, he isn’t littered in tattoos, but he has a few on his perfectly sculpted pecs, and his abs look like you can cut diamonds on them.

Andrew Steven Barber is perfect.

“My turn, get that fucking bra off,” he pathetically moans as he finally gives in and starts to palm himself over his pants.

You’re slow to stop your movements. You move your hands up to the back of your bra, unclasping it, letting it fall down in front of you; before removing your arms from the straps, letting it fall freely and tossing it to the side.

“Fuck me,” he growls as he starts to crawl on to the bed, but you hold up your foot to stop him.

“Gotta make it fair, Daddy. Pants off,” you pout as your hand resumes its place in the middle of your legs.

“Don’t keep me waiting, sweetheart.”

“Then take them off,” you demand with a moan and a seductive smirk.

He almost falls over with how fast he tries to get his pants off, but the second they’re off, you feel your cunt clench around nothing but the sight of him in his boxer briefs.

He’s about to ruin you for every other man.

He slowly crawls onto the bed before forcing your hand out of the way and ripping your panties off, “I’m done waiting.”

It’s not lost on you that Laurie and Jacob could come home at any moment, but you’re so far past the point of caring. The both of you have waited long enough and no one is doing anything wrong. You both did your best to be as responsible and mature about this as you could be. The waiting is over.

He belongs to you just as much as you belong to him.

“Andy,” you whine as he hooks your right leg over his shoulder, kissing up your inner left leg.

“Don’t be a brat,” he warns, slapping your cunt as he continues to kiss up your leg, changing once he reaches your thigh and he slowly runs his tongue up its lower side, teasing your clit with little kitten licks.

“Shit! ‘m...I’m so sorry, Daddy! Won’t do it again,” you promise with a silent cry as you grip his hair, grinding yourself against his face.

“Such a needy little thing,” he chuckles before teasing your entrance with three fingers, “this pussy... tastes like a fucking dream!”

“Daddy please!”

“Daddy’s gonna take care of you, don’t you worry that gorgeous little head of yours,” he coos before using his lips to pull on your clit, while he easily slides two fingers inside you.

“Oh God, yes!” you cry out, arching your back a little as your free hand squeezes the sheet. “Just like that, baby!”

Andy takes his time exploring you with his tongue, licking and sucking on your clit as if trying to commit it to memory, before removing his fingers and licking your soaked folds, while his thumb skillfully circles your clit.

“N-need you so much, please,” you mewl, releasing the sheet and starting to claw up his back.

If Laurie finds out, oh well.

“ ‘m so fucking close!”

It’s almost as if you’ve activated a primal need in him, because his mouth is instantly back on your clit, licking and sucking on it with more determination than before while sliding three fingers inside of you, curling them and hitting that spot that makes you blossom like a flower for him.

“Fuck!” you wail, squirting hard as you feel your body ignite all over from pleasure, curling your toes.

You try to regulate your breathing as Andy cleans up between your legs, but the thought of what’s to come has you writhing in pure want and desire. The only thing that brings you back is the feel of the tip of Andy’s tongue slowly making it’s way up your body.

“Please,” you whimper, arching your leg and scrunching up the sheets with your toes.

“What did Daddy say about being a brat?” he growls before taking one of your nipples into his mouth and swirling his tongue his tongue around it, while his hand takes the other, kneading it between his fingers before pinching it.

“I’m sorry, I-oh fuck! I just need to feel you! Dreamt of...oh my...Andy!”

“My sensitive, sweet girl,” he smirks against your nipple. “So, so needy.”

“Please!”

“This is the only time you’ll get rewarded for misbehaving,” he warns before resuming his painfully slow trail up to your lips.

Once his lips are finally on yours again, you grip him tight and moan at the taste of you that lingers on his tongue. You’re so wrapped up in him that you don’t notice him shimmying out of his boxer briefs. You’re on the verge of begging again, when you feel him pushing his way inside of you, his kiss swallowing your gasp.

“I swear this pussy was made just for me,” he grunts as he bottoms out.

“Oh my God!” you cry as he stretches you, trying to adjust to him, but loving the way he’s pulling you apart.

“You take me so well, baby,” he groans as he starts to fuck you hard and fast.

“S-so...so full!”

“Yeah baby? You like the way this fat cock stuffs your tight little cunt?”

“Oh fuck!” you sob, his filthy words pushing you closer to your release. “So much better than I imagined!”

“Of course my filthy girl thought about me fucking her stupid. That’s what you want right? You want Daddy to fuck you stupid?”

You moan in response, wrapping a leg around his waist, moving your hips along with his, digging your nails into his back.

Andy isn’t having that.

“Use your words, sweet girl, or I’ll stop,” he warns and it only turns you on more.

“Y-yes!”

“Yes what?”

“Y-yes I wan...want you to fuck me till I can’t think, Daddy! Fuck, right there! P...please!” you sob pathetically as a few tears escape your eyes from pleasure.

“That’s my good girl,” he smirks before dipping down and starting to bite and suck on the hollow of your neck.

“Jesus, you’re gonna make me...oh my God!!”

“Never want to be without you again,” he moans, sliding a hand down between the two of you, starting to massage your clit.

“Oh...oh, fuck!”

“I love you so much!”

“I love you...Andy! I can’t...mmm yes!”

“Let go for me sweet girl! Cum all over my cock!”

“Jesus, FUCK!”

Your cunt clenches tightly around Andy’s cock as you squirt hard. You start clawing at the bed, praying that you’re not ripping them, as Andy fucks you through your high. You know he’s whispering sweet nothings in your ear, but you can’t focus on anything except how good you feel all over.

“Such a good girl,” Andy praises as he pulls out while you whine at the emptiness you now feel. “Get on your hands and knees for me,” he instructs as he strokes himself while looking at the blissed out mess on his bed that is you.

When your only response is to stare at him blankly, a sinister smirk plays on his lips.

“We’re not finished yet, honey. Didn’t think I’d be able to fuck you so stupid, so fast,” he tsks as he flips you over with ease.

It’s not that you don’t want more, you’re brain just isn’t keeping up with anything at the moment. You’re slow to get on your hands and knees, but the second you are, you’re moaning in want.

You can’t get enough.

“Never thought you’d be so fucking amazing,” he grunts as he thrusts himself inside you. “You take Daddy’s cock so well, honey.”

“Please don’t...don’t stop,” you whimper as you strangle the pillows.

“This pussy is mine and mine only, got that sweetheart?”

“Only ever want you, Daddy,” you sob as he starts pumping into you faster. “I’ll only ever need you!”

“Never knew someone as perfect could exist, baby. Especially in my fucking world....shit! The way this pretty little cunt squeezes me is perfect!”

“Make me cum again, please! Fuck me like a pretty little whore so I can make a mess all over your bed, please!”

“Jesus Christ!” he growls, gripping your hair tight as he picks up his pace.

“Ah shit! Just like that! Fuck, you make me feel so fucking good! I love you so much!”

“Say it again,” he demands, before slapping your ass.

“Yes! Fuck, I fucking love you, Andy! I love...love you so much! “

“Fuck, let go for me baby! Give it all to me right now!”

“Fuck!” you shout, your orgasm demolishing whatever energy you have left.

Andy lets out a low and guttural growl as he wraps an arm around your waist as he paints your walls with his seed. He hunches over and leans his forehead against the back of your head, and you both try to regulate your breathing as you come down from your highs.

“You are everything to me, and I...I love you so much,” he breathes out after a moment. “Nothing will ever change that, I promise.”

“I just want you, Andy. I love you and I’m here for you always. I won’t turn my back on you. I won’t hurt you,” you promise softly.

Andy slowly pulls out and, if it weren’t for him guiding you, you would’ve collapsed onto the bed. After he gently lays you down, he walks out of the bedroom and you get under the covers and try to get comfortable, but you just want Andy to hold you. A small laugh escapes your lips when you look over to the nightstand and see your drink from earlier there.

Funny how a few drinks and a couple of confessions can change a night completely.

Reach over and down the rest of it, before laying on your back and going over the events that just happened.

“I can’t tell if you’re in a good mood or not,” Andy laughs, coming back in with a wet towel in hand. “What’s going on in that head of yours?” he asks as he pulls back the covers.

“I love you,” you smile at him as he starts to clean up the release between your legs.

“I love you too, honey,” he chuckles, “what’s going on?”

“Just...if...ya know what? Never mind.”

“Talk to me, sweetheart. This doesn’t work if we don’t talk to each other.”

“What even is “this”?”

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“If you don’t want this anymore after tonight...I understand.”

“Y/N-”

“I know you’re not a douchebag and I know you would never do anything to hurt me, but I also know that we’re both pretty fucking buzzed and upset. If you acted on impulse-”

“Hey, I love you. I have loved you for so long and this isn’t something I’m just going to be over tomorrow. I don’t want to just fuck you, even though it is insanely,” he smirks and you scoff. “I want to help you, support you, care for you, be your best friend, be someone you can count on, you can cry to. Y/N, I want to be everything for you, all the time, forever. I love you,” he smiles at you.

You sit up and pull him close, and you both get lost in a passionate and soul consuming kiss.

You never meant to fall for Andy, you never meant to add any complication to his life, and you sure as shit never meant to fall in love. However, when he makes you feel like you do now, you can’t seem to find a single reason to feel any shame or regret over anything you two have done.

You don’t feel an ounce of shame or regret over what you both have decided to start.

“Lets get some sleep,” you smile at him once you two break apart.

“Sounds good to me,” he nods before kissing your forehead.

He quickly discard the washcloth in the hamper, then gets in next to you and pulls you close. As you fall asleep to him peppering kissing along the side of your neck, you know that you’re going to be okay.

Everything is going to be just fine.

**

You giggle as you feel hairs tickle the inside of your legs.

Andy.

“What are you doing?” you laugh with your eyes still closed.

“Time for you to wake up,” he murmurs against the inside of your thigh.

“And what does you being in-between my legs have to do with me waking up?”

“It’s breakfast time and I’m starving,” he simply mumbles before licking your clit.

“Andy,” you gasp as you reach down, gripping his hair.

“That’s right, honey, come alive for Daddy.”

He slides three fingers into you with ease and you don’t stop the silent gasp that escapes your lips as he starts sucking on your clit. You didn’t appreciate it as much last night, because you were focused on what you truly wanted, but the feel of his beard hairs on your thighs only heightens everything for you.

“Fuck! Daddy, if you keep...oh God! Yes, yes....I’m right...GOD, YES!” you exclaim as you squirt hard on his fingers, more than sure that some of it got in his beard.

“What a good little girl,” he praises before cleaning up the mess between your legs.

You’re never gonna tire of the way he makes you feel, or the praise he gives you.

“We can’t do this!” you giggle as he kisses his way back up your body.

“Why?”

“She said she’ll be home in the morning, and it’s very much...fuck!” you whimper as he thrusts himself inside of you.

“I think after last night, we both know it won’t take me long to bring you off,” he teases as he starts relentlessly pumping into you.

“Daddy, I-”

“Andy!” Laurie’s voice rings out from the entry way as the door slams shut.

“Shit!” you whisper as Andy stalls within you almost instantly.

As you both lay there, sheer panic written all over your faces, you can’t help but think about what the future has in store for the both of you. Yeah, if Laurie catches you both, it’ll be hell to pay.

But what about Jacob? It’ll crush him and what will happen to your friendship. Both you and Andy scamper around as quietly as you can, as you do your best to avoid your panic attack.

“Andy!?” Laurie calls again as she searches around downstairs.

You both stop and look at each other, and the look on Andy’s face tells you that you’re both thinking the same thing:

What the fuck did you two just get yourselves into?

~~

taglist: @maroonsunrise83​, @fuckingbye​, @emerald-evans​, @whxre4cevans​, @autumnrose40​, @greeneyedblondie44​, @whiskeytangofoxtrot555​, @pono-pura-vida​, @nomadstucky​, 

[kitthepurplepotato]

Chapter 14 1/2 (SFW) - The Big Day

Summary: While the Menace is having a check up, Katsuki gets lost in his own thoughts. After hundreds of revelations and a ride home, Katsuki decides to give Y/N a lovely present.

Warning: Swear words, suggestive ending

First Chapter Master List

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Katsuki isn’t the most patient person. Everyone knows it, everyone tolerates it and everyone is just way too used to him being this way after being “friends” with him for more that 10 years (what the fuck, where did the time go?!) so usually, he just gets away with whatever comes out of his mouth and no one even makes a face at it anymore.

Hell, he also doesn’t give a shit about this tiny flaw of him. He usually just does whatever he wants knowing that whoever is forced to work with him will need to bear with him as no one fucking dares to tell the number two hero off.

This… is different.

Really different.

And Katsuki is freaking out.

He has no idea when did he become such a sap. If someone would’ve told him he’s going to be waiting patiently for a whole fucking hour, sitting on the uncomfortable bench outside, in the hallway, not even able to be inside and listen in while someone important to him is getting a really fucking important check up, he would have laughed in their face; because first of all, Bakugou Katsuki staying in one place just so he’s the first one to hear the news? Fuck that. He would have fucked off five seconds after the person went in to get a coffee or go to the gym because he ain’t got fucking time to wait around for anyone.

Second of all; someone IMPORTANT to Katsuki? No one should be important enough for him to have a week off and lose those hero brownie points.

How did he end up here? He doesn’t know. But there is one thing he certainly knows as his chest is getting tighter and tighter as the minutes pass, as his insides are being eaten away from all the anxiety and worry… this is it for him.

This, whatever this is…. This is it. This is who he is now. This is his final form.

His old self would have said this is a downgrade; he has gotten weaker, his feelings are getting in the way of his hero work, he has a weak spot now, a person who can ruin his whole career; if anything ever happens to Y/N he knows he’ll jump out of his hiding and ruin the whole mission just to save her, professionalism thrown out of the window without a single remorse.

But there are things his old self doesn’t know; he doesn’t know how it feels to be touched, to be loved so much even the thought of it makes him tear up, he doesn’t know how it feels like to have friends yet, to be embraced by them, to be supported by them, he doesn’t fucking know how much easier it is to be a hero when you are not completely alone.

His old self also doesn’t know that there is no fucking reason for him to try too hard; Deku is an unstoppable force, a guy with several different quirks, all of them practiced to perfection. Maybe, young Katsuki thought he can be better than All Might, but Deku is at least seven times stronger than he was even if Katsuki hates to admit that. His second place is basically unmovable; Shouto doesn’t care enough to try and get it from him and the rest of the extras could train until there’s blood coming out of their armpits but they would never be able to even touch the level of the top 3.

Young Katsuki doesn’t know that he can rest now, that there is more to life than the thrill of an infinite challenge.

Maybe he’s getting old, maybe heroes just get into this mindset sooner than normies do, due to the stress they go through every single fucking day but Katsuki feels like he’s ready to take life a little bit more easy now. He fought the war, fuck, he won the fucking war of the century.

“You’ve done enough, brat.” The hag had always said to him after he tried to go back to the battle field right away, raging PTSD and depression completely ignored. He hates to admit this, but his mother was fucking right about that.

Damn. Maybe he should have tried waiting around a bit sooner; there are so many things he’s only realizing now, which he should have done fifteen years ago. His young years would have been so much more fun.

It’s quite pathetic how he didn’t even know how to laugh freely before Y/N came into his life: he didn’t know about how hot his blood can get out of pure desire, he didn’t know how exhilarating it feels like to look into his second half’s eyes while their full body weight is crushing into him, he didn’t know what happiness feels like at all; there is so much more in life than stupid fights and stupid hero galas, there is so much more than being number one. Also, he should have been more thankful towards his best friend for all the support he has got from him during these years. Did he even ask Kirishima if he wants to have an agency with him or did he just told him that’s what’s gonna happen and he went with it out of pure love? Where would he be if not for Katsuki’s persistence? Would he be married? Would he have kids? Would he be in the top ten or would he just live his life as a sidekick, far away from the real danger?

Fuck, Katsuki was such an asshole to him.

My best buddy, Katsuki:

Oi. If you wouldn’t have an agency with me, where would you be right now? Be honest.

Shitty hair:

Uhm. That’s random? Are you okay, man? It’s Y/N’s assessment today, isn’t it? Fuck, you must be in pieces bro, but it will be fine! To answer your question, I’d have never had the balls to step up if it’s not for you. I would have gotten a job as a random side kick in a town far from Tokyo, living a chill life but constantly haunted by the “what if”‘s, so it wouldn’t be too great. With that said, I’m really happy to be here. So is Y/N. So is everyone who’s friends with you. We love you 💪🏼❤️

My best buddy, Katsuki:

Jesus Christ, shut the fuck up.

Katsuki swears he will protect his best bro with his life if he needs to. Fuck, he does not deserve Eijirou. No one does. Eijirou is too fucking perfect for his own good.

~•💥•~

“Okay, so we did all the possible tests to see if you are able to go back to your hero work.” The doctor starts talking after poking you in several different places for a whole fucking hour. You hate needles. It’s a really stupid thing to be scared of when your life is literally in danger 24/7 when you are a hero but it is what it is. You can barely stop yourself from looking at your doctor with pure hatred in your eyes and the needles aren’t the only reason for that; you would absolutely kill to be able to hold Katsuki’s hand right now. Fuck, you are already way too dependent on him; you really don’t want to go home today, to be honest. You never want to go home ever again. “As you know, we are the best hospital in Japan for these cases and our equipment is the best in the whole world so what I’m about to say is 100% true and I want you to listen to me and to my advice and take it.”

Fuck this guy. Fuck him.

“If you don’t spill the results in the next five seconds I swear to god I’ll strangle it out of you, doc.”

“Charming as always.” The doctor snickers but doesn’t get offended. “Your results are perfect. I’ve never seen such a change in such a short time before. There is no need for you to take any medication anymore and your quirk is back to its full power as well, so you are more than welcome to SLOWLY start hero work again.” Oh my fucking god. This is real. This isn’t a dream. Fuck’s sake, you are about to cry. You’ve been through so much in the last few years and you missed being a hero so much it physically hurt sometimes and now… “But!” Oh, fuck off. “It doesn’t mean you should jump into the deep waters right away. You clearly did your best to keep yourself in shape and you did say you sparred with a few fellow heroes during your stay in Japan but please, start with small cases, see how it goes then slowly work your way up to the top. Your body might be ready to fight but your mind is not. You’ve been away for way too long and I don’t want to see you here again in a few months. Are we clear?”

You don’t know when you stood up, but you are standing right now. Even though you are absolutely thrilled about the news, all you can think of is telling Katsuki. Will he cry? Will he just roll his eyes, ignoring his freak out this morning and say “obviously” and make his way out? Will he jump into your arms and embrace you in the middle of the hallway like in those stupid romantic movies where the main character finally gets pregnant?!

“Oh my god just sign this sheet and go, I can’t believe you.” The doctor snickers and you’ve never signed anything so quickly in your life. “Read the paper before you sigh it!” The doctor giggles but he’s already by the door, opening it wide for Katsuki to come in. He doesn’t need to say anything to him though, Katsuki rushes in without even being prompted to. You can see your doctor’s face going pale as he realizes that he’s the number two hero, Dynamight.

“What did the doc say? Are you okay? Why are you all teared up? Did they hurt you? Who was it? The old man or the chick? Nevermind, I will just kill them both…”

“Calm down, Katsuki.” You giggle to yourself; you literally didn’t realize you are about to cry from happiness. “I’m back in business, baby. I can be a hero again. Fuck, Katsuki, I’m so happy…” you can’t finish your sentence as he shuts you up with his mouth; the kiss is hot and heavy, filled with something new, something that makes your legs tremble and your ovaries scream… and you still in your doctor’s office. This is certainly inappropriate.

“I knew you can do it. You are the strongest fucking person I’ve ever met. Thank you, doctor octopus.” Katsuki looks at your doctor who can’t decide between being offended and being amused.

“I must say, I do have a resemblance to that character but my name is…”

“Let’s go.” Katsuki pulls you out of the office without saying goodbye to anyone but by the look of it, they don’t really care anyway; you barely leave the office before you can hear the nurse yelling into her phone.

“Oh my god, I just met Dynamight and he’s like… really fucking hot? He came into the office after one of my favorite patients and kissed her so passionately I blushed! Oh my god, bestie, this is the best day of my life…”

You can’t hear the rest of the story as you are thrown into the passenger seat without a single a word. Katsuki runs to the other side and starts the car; you are quite sure he went past the speed limit at least five times already but he looks so determined about something you don’t have the heart to tell him off this time.

He steps on the break so heavily the whole car stutters under you; it only takes him a few seconds to get to your side, pull you out, close the door and sprint up to his flat, not even saying hi to anyone in the agency who wanders in the shared hallways. They give you two a really weird look, probably trying to decipher why is their boss hanging out with the assistant he “hates so much” but Katsuki clearly does not care about the gossip as he opens his door and throws you right in, his lips on yours before the door can even close properly. The kiss is passionate and aggressive, his movements a little bit all over the place; your back hits the wall with a loud thud as the blond pushes into you, his body flush against yours as he keeps devouring you in the hallway, his determination turned up to 120%.

“Katsuki, what are you…” you try to ask between two heavy kisses, but Katsuki doesn’t let you finish your question; his tongue barges into your mouth the same time his fingers find their way to the back of your head, pulling on your hair lightly as he massages your tongue with his.

“Reward for being good. For getting better.” Katsuki mutters between two heavy kisses. “Reward for me for being patient.”

Bakugou Katsuki is gone. His eyes are dark and full of lust, his face flushed from the pent up energy, his movements heavy and full of desire. You don’t need to think too long to realize what’s about to happen; you can feel it trough his trousers, through his tangled words and painful pants as he tries to whisper into your ears, but it comes out much louder, much huskier and the sound of it goes straight to your core.

“Bedroom. Now.”

CLICK HERE FOR THE REST OF THE CHAPTER!

From this point, it’s NSFW. Feel free to skip it or message me for a general overview that’s less uhm… detailed.

… Next Chapter! (If you skip the NSFW bit)

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

TL: @sixxze @iwannahaveaprettyaesthetic @hanatsuki-hime @cloroxisadelectabletreat @cheesenmax @coffeent @smolsleepybat @therealpotatobish @qardasngan @canarystwin @unofficialmuilover @nanamomo1 @mikestuffffs @p4ndawrites @yao-ai

[i4heseung]

heal me | 양정원 - 1/3 -

warning - abusive household, mentions of scars, blood & death, reader having a hard time sharing her personal life with jungwon, violence, depression, anxiety, curse words, pet names.

genre - angst.

“i’ll be with you, always.”

it was hard telling your feelings towards your boyfriend jungwon because you didn’t want him worrying about you as you were being treated badly at home. being close with him, you felt happier and more relaxed than being at home where you were constantly getting yelled at, which caused you to become depressed. of course jungwon hasn’t realized that yet because you were always smiling towards him. until he saw scars on your face and on your arms.

“babe, what the hell happened to you?” your boyfriend asked as he looked at you with his worried look as he touched the dried up scars that was days old.

“nothing, won. i just hurt myself as i got home last night.” you lied and softly took his hands away from your face as you smiled. you knew he wasn’t stupid to believe what you said because the scars were deep.

“i’m not stupid, love. tell me who did this to you.”

you shook your head as you looked down, not looking directly at jungwon who is clearly confused on who did it. your eyes got watery from remembering the fact that you were almost dead living in that abusive relationship with your parents. which you never told anyone, not even jungwon.

“are you sure you want to know?” you looked up with tears falling from your eyes and down your cheeks. this is the first time you cried in front of him and you crying like that made him feel like shit.

“my parents are abusive. they..” your voice started to sound weak as you cried harder and jungwon processing everything through on why you didn’t tell him earlier. so he pulled you closer to him and lets you cry on his chest.

“i’m so sorry.” he hugged you softly as your eyes started to feel heavy, not knowing that you fell asleep next to him.

hours later…

you not realizing that you slept in jungwon’s arms, you slowly woke up, seeing the window already pitched black out then seeing jungwon next to you sleeping peacefully. you didn’t wanna wake him up so you quietly got off of the couch and looked at your watch. 8:30pm.

you forgot that jungwon was a really light sleeper so as you got ready to leave, you heard his voice from a distance. “babe?” in his sleepy voice, he slowly pulled himself up while rubbing his eyes. you sighed softly, “sorry won, i didn’t want to wake you.”

he shook his head, “no worries. are you going back now?” he asked, planning to convince me to stay at his place.

you nodded, “i had too. all of my stuff is there.”

“don’t. not now, love. if you do, you’ll be worse than before. so i’m telling you to not go back. unless i help you pack quickly.” jungwon wasn’t playing when he said he’ll help me.

you were hesitant because you didn’t want him getting hurt if your abusive parents actually wakes up. “but..”

“believe me i can protect myself. i just need to protect you so that you won’t get hurt again.”

“if you allow me to help you, we’ll get your stuff asap.” jungwon added as if he wasn’t afraid of being attacked.

you knew that he could defend himself but hasn’t showed me this side of him yet.

“what are you thinking, babe?” jungwon asked as he stopped his tracks.

you took a deep breath. “don’t worry about me. although you know about the situation between me and my parents. it has nothing to do with you.” now you’re not making eye contact with jungwon.

“babe, it does. you getting hurt made me feel like i couldn’t protect you at all. and now you going back to your parents house is gonna make me feel like i regret letting you go back there and i can’t let you get hurt anymore. so how about i help you pack up tomorrow?”

you nodded. “what about tonight?” you asked.

“no need to worry about it. i’ll help with the wounds once you’re done.” you smiled as jungwon took the tote bag off of you and puts it in the closet.

“i’ll prepare your clothes for tonight. come on.”

you followed jungwon to his room where the bathroom was connected. soon enough, he handed you a brand new towel. “feel free to take your time.” jungwon grabbing his clothes from his wardrobe before leaving you alone, closing the door behind him.

[sundewhasaudhd]

Saw that you’re interested in DDLC, DHMIS, and Gravity Falls 😼

Was wondering if you had any headcanons for any of these fandoms :3

Heeheehee >:3 (I’ll try, I don’t think about them as much as I think about my main hyper fixations, but I probably still have some headcanons up in the ol’ noggin)

DDLC:

Sayori: bi, male pref, demigirl, she/her, 18, 5’2”, ADHD, depression, voice claim: Uraraka (MHA)

Yuri: lesbian, enby, she/they, 18, 5’5”, autism, anxiety, viice claim: Sapphire (SU)

Natuski: ace, sapphic, trans mtf, she/her, 18, 4’11”, voice claim: FP (Adventure Time)

Monika: pan, agender, they/she, 18, 5’3”, anxiety, voice claim: Katara (ATLA)

MC: cishet boy, any pronouns, 18, 5’7”, autism, voice claim: ?

Miscellaneous headcanons:

Natuski owns a bunch of different berets

Sayori sleeps with stuffed animals 

Sayori makes everyone in the literature club friendship bracelets

Sayori and MC have known each other since 1st grade 

Monika plays volleyball 

MC’s an MCYT fan

MC won Sayori’s cow at a carnival

Yuri and Monika met in 7th grade in advanced English class

Yuri loves Edgar Allan Poe

Sayori has some serious eye bags

Sayori and MC bit the sibling stick, and then they got Natuski to do it (That’s a reference to something that happened at a summer camp, I went to. Basically, one of my friends found a stick, and then he and another friend of mine been into it and claimed the sibling stick and then they became siblings, and then me and my other friends been into it and now we’re all siblings.)

MC has had a crush on one of the dokis at different times in his life

Yuri plays violin 

Natsuki plays ACNH

Monika’s a vegetarian 

Monika’s in like a bazillion extracurricular activities 

I don’t have a whole thing on my notes app dedicated to headcanons like I did for my current and past hyperfixation, so that’s all you get :}

Also, I did a cool thing. Check it out, maybe? Maybe pretty please spread the word?

[chilly-me-softly]

Hi there! Love your work 💕 I’ve recently fell into the Son Heungmin hole so your blog is like nirvana to me. If you are still taking requests, can I request a scenario where Son cheated and Y/N has decided to forgive him but is having a hard time returning to normal with him? My husband cheated on me 3 times and I’m suffering from severe depression and anxiety. Thanks a lot in advance and please don’t bother if you are no longer taking requests. Keep shining!

Hi, first of all welcome to the family and thanks for the request, there's always a place for Sonny here. I am sorry for what you're going through, I hope you can be better with time x

-

Sonny is the classic good guy next door. He is kind, always helpful and has a good word for everyone. He is caring, very good with children and his smile would cheer up even the grumpiest person. He is respectful, rarely loses his temper and has a great talent for football.

Yes, but what if you told everyone he's not like that at all?

Sonny is a human being and like everyone makes mistakes.

Sonny is married, but he has cheated. But because of all the years and moments together you have decided to forgive him and move on with your lives. But it's not easy at all.

He was the one who told you. You thought everything was going wonderfully between you and instead he had dropped this bombshell that had turned your whole life and what you believed in upside down.

At first you didn't want to believe it, you thought you were the victim of a well-orchestrated prank. There was no way that Sonny, your Sonny, the one who made stuffed animals speak to make you laugh was also the one who had broken you in two.

But that's how it works, isn't it? You give your whole self to one person, trusting them blindly and making plans and plans for the future, and they bring you back down to earth. And it happens just like that, out of the blue, leaving you stunned.

Maybe you did it more for yourself, you didn't want to admit that your marriage was over. That you had failed. You were sure you could overcome that moment, a bump in the road to your happiness. Things work out with dialogue and time, you used to tell yourself; nothing is fixed by running away.

But somehow his good-guy image in your head had broken, he could hurt too. This was not like the time he had broken that vase you had inherited from your grandmother, so precious for the memories. It wasn't like when you had a fight because you didn't understand his family's traditions.

Still, you were proud of him. You were there when he had won the golden boot, fingers crossed from the start of the game and cheering like crazy until you lost your voice. You were there when an injury had forced him to the bench for a few weeks, ready to give him the support he needed.

There were days when everything was normal, or at least it seemed so.

It was the other days that were unbearable. The ones when he was away and you wondered if he was alone, if she was in the stands, if he had ever seen or contacted her again. You even went so far as to think if he was lying to you, but you always called yourself stupid because he was obviously going where he said you could see him from the tv.

All it took was nothing to make you remember the moment when in your kitchen at home he had confessed to you that he had cheated on you, the cup slipping from your hands shattering into a thousand pieces as well as something inside you.

And it's that something that you have to put back together if you really want to be with him and continue your life together. You have to figure out, if it is really worth it or if you are just afraid to start again. You have to make a final decision whatever it is, and to do that you have to prioritise yourself first.

"Hey you changed your mind! Are you coming with me?" the impending departure for the world cup gave you the final push.

"No Sonny" the smile on his face fades, suddenly those suitcases in front of the door scare him. "I'm going to my parents. I need to think and I can't in here, and since you're leaving too it seems like the right time"

"Just tell me you'll be back"

"That's what I need to figure it out"

"Hey no no look at me" Sonny gently places his hands on your cheeks making a slight pressure for your gazes to meet. "I love you"

"Good luck at the world cup Sonny"

Part 2

[loveabledirtbag]

1.08 - Braciole

Uffda, we’ve gotten to the end of season one of the bear! and it’s only now that i realize all the things i wanted to say, and still haven’t as we’ve gotten to the end of the season!

i might have to do a whole season recap and final thoughts post too! AND THEN we get into season two! uffda…i might finish this before season three comes

but anyway, let’s get into it…

i love the surrealist intro we get. it’s just a little different than most of what we’ve seen up to this point. there is a sort of lucid, dreamlike air over the whole season, but getting this really intense, disturbing cooking show nightmare scenario followed by bears in the background is just….it hits different.

but the slow descent into horror, and bleeding into his panic attack as carmy has flashbacks to his behavior in the previous episode. it’s just so well done.

the fact that he’s wearing a different color shirt when not at the restaurant, or having come from the restaurant or going to the restaurant. i like that touch. it gives the idea that carmy’s white t-shirts truly are his uniform. and his life is just so engrossed in the beef that he’s almost always on his way to, currently at, or coming home from being there. but we now have confirmation he has a shirt that’s just for him. an at home piece. plus the fact that it is black when compared to his usual white is probably significant too. we’re coming off the fact that carmy just had a major blowup at work, descending into every learned character trait from his traumatic family upbringing and working experience. he’s at his darkest moment: no longer the good knight trying to save a restaurant that means something to a community and help bring the people who work there to their fullest potential. he’s now the villain that yells and is abusive and harms those around him.

the fact that he looks at his cook books to come down is also so telling. thinking of the dishes inside of them, potentially dishes he’s made from reading them. it’s just continuing to show how broken and single minded he’s been his whole life and how harmful being so one-track can be.

hearing mikey, and (maybe? maybe not) carmy speaking as carmy is spiraling and trying to come down from his anxiety attack: hearing “let it rip” which is clearly mikey but also, “i’m gonna burn this fucking place down” which i think might be mikey but could also be carmy? honestly? not sure if anyone has confirmation on it. but with carmy’s themes of fire this season, it might be him. but of course, we also know mikey had his own fire story (which we’ll talk about in season two when we the audience learn mikey also has stories about starting fires…)

it is good, and showing on carmy’s part of how he wants to grow and change for the better, that when he woke up after his bad day and his ongoing panic attack he went to an all family meeting for al-anon. i still think it’s so weird that so many people shit on carmy for being so abusive and toxic (which he is!) but don’t talk about how he’s trying so hard to try and get better.

listen. carmy’s 8 minute long, one-take speech is absolutely, unequivocally one of the greatest things put to film. i don’t even know how to properly talk about it. but it is absolutely at least 50% of the reason why jeremy allan white deserved best actor, and why the bear deserved every award it won (and maybe a few more). it’s stunning. go watch it. now. go. this will still be here when you get back.

i think it’s interesting that carmy talks about mikey’s charisma and how everyone liked him. because we get that sense in the quick flashback we see of mikey. BUT we don’t really see that when we spend more time with mikey in season two for the “Fishes” episode. i’m curious if we’ll see a sort of marrying of the two mikey’s as the show goes on. how did the charismatic “everybody’s best friend” mikey turn into the depressive, animalistic, explosive mikey, before finally dying by suicide before season one begins. (it’s one of my notes, that maybe i’ll talk about in a later post)

but we get another little tidbit in carmy’s psychology that shows how he likes torturing himself. there’s been a few examples throughout the season that carmy actually likes all the shit he goes through. i know i mentioned them in the concurring episodes, but the one that comes to mind is when he’s talking to nat on the phone and she asks him about working at the restaurant in new york and he talks about throwing up before work every day, and when she sympathizes with him he says “i kinda dug it”, and then when he notices her reaction to him saying that he says “oh, no, no it was horrible.”. but in his monologue he talks about having oily and dry skin, having greasy hair, and getting knife cuts and garlic and onions in the cuts, and callouses and his stomach was fucked and it was….everything. like there’s something that carmy feels when he’s going through shit; a twisted love for going through pain. i think it’s a really nuanced, balanced, and deep character trait that they thread throughout the show. where you hear him say something once and you might not pay close attention to it, or maybe you’re like “oh, yeah. i kind of get that feeling. like when you work really hard and accomplish a goal.” but when you stack all of the times he makes a comment like that together you go, “ohhhhh….thats not good.”

which, i think that’s what happened with mikey. mikey was charming and charismatic and fun! but the people who were closest to him knew that he had a drug problem, and had moments of dark depressive episodes. and maybe they were far and few enough between that no one thought anything of it. and then one day mikey was dead. i think that’s one of the hardest things to realize and understand and then see with the people around you. sometimes you gotta stack up comments on top of each other with context and go, “oh. hey. everything okay?”

what follows after the 8 minute monologue masterpiece (that i will forever be jealous i can’t use in my high school theater class, but whatever i’m over it. i’m 30. i’m not THAT mad about it) is honestly an almost unsettling chill episode. and that might sound wrong or stupid to those who’ve seen it, knowing what is coming. but the way it’s filmed, the way it’s presented on screen, the way the rest of the episode plays out is this really calm, muted, sorta quiet, oppressive episode.

it sorta feels like when you have a manic episode and then what follows immediately after is a depressive episode. the anxiety hangover. we had this loud, fast, angry, explosive previous episode and what follows is the exhaustion that comes afterwards.

“she just missed the asshole. like, what happens if you get stabbed in the asshole? you can’t sew an asshole.” “i’ve seen assholes.” GOD. ebra is a comedic genius of a character and there’s never enough of him in each episode.

telling everyone that dinner service is canceled because you’re hosting a bachelor party THE MORNING of the event is a douche move. and i FULLY understand that this is TV logic of moving plot succinctly, but in real life that’s about as big a dick move as anything carmy does the whole season. which might sound severe, but private events are the FUCKING WORST. because the tips for the FOH (front of house) go out the door, and you don’t get to go in a groove of people come in and out, which means your BOH (back of house) becomes bouncers and waiters and caretakers to the guests. which they all hate doing. plus, the large amount of money you get upfront when the group rents out the place is immediately stretched thinner as the night wares on and the people stop ordering more food, but you’re also missing out on potential rushes and money. PLUS, they’re not even making money from the event, because they’re paying off a debt to cicero, so they’re losing out on all that money, AND they’re not making anything from a down payment. i wish they had thrown a line into the show of like carmy saying he just found out the news that morning too, just so the hate i feel doesn’t burn towards carmy. but i know -i know- that this is just TV stuff to make everything move along faster so we can move past it to the main plot of the show.

i do enjoy the dinner that syd and marcus have. it’s very pleasant. i also get romantic vibes here (which we’ll keep talking about in season two), and it makes things complicated because i don’t think i’m reading too deeply into things? there are ways that editors and directors craft scenes so that when you’re watching at home you pick up a vibe and like….i pick that vibe up….? is it just me? (i mean, it’s clearly not just me, because of season two. but again….more on that later)

for the entire essay i wrote on the last episode, syd and marcus complaining about carmy really rubs me the wrong way. because a lot of the stress that came about that day was their fault, and then made worse by their walking out. NOW, if i were syd or marcus would i be doing the EXACT SAME THING with my coworker? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY! and yes, carmy does deserve some hate for how he reacted when it all went shit. but like…i still think they’re conversation shows they feel absolutely no guilt or shame for their own actions and failings that caused a lot of problems last episode, and that has always rubbed me the wrong way. like…shit on carmy. he was an asshole, he deserves to be shit on. BUT LIKE…not even a line of like “i wish i had double checked the to-go orders and made sure it was turned off for preorders.” “i wish i didn’t become obsessed with donuts so much that i stopped doing my job for weeks straight. and then when shit hit the fan, i continued to make donuts as if nothing else was going on.”

“my moms like that…” i think this is the first reference to sydney’s mom. with everything we learn in season two, i wonder if this is sydney lying, or sydney remembering and using the present tense to pretend her is still alive? (sorry for spoilers for season two).

ok. so, the dish sydney makes. LOOKS INCREDIBLE. but we get a shot of the dish, and it’s just sitting in oil. just like a puddle or a small soup of oil. not the end of the world, not wrong or bad in and of itself. BUT THEN SHE DRIZZLES MORE ON? like, syd! that’s so much fucking oil! now, once again, i know that they have a real life, talented, hardcore chef who made sure everything was as perfect and realistic as possible. which means that this HAS TO be some sort of TV thing. like, they want to keep sydney moving as she talks to keep the scene dynamic, so they have her drizzle something before she serves and because of the specific dish she’s making the only thing she could drizzle without ruining the dish is more oil. but like….idk, maybe choose a different dish then? it has bugged me since the first time i watched this show and it’ll never not bug me. because it’s not only wasteful, and gonna make this dish just so incredibly oily, but like….you don’t garnish a dish with something you already added as the base of the dish. you don’t make an ice cream sundae and then on top drizzle MORE vanilla ice cream! it’s just weird.

tina checking in with carmy is so sweet. it’s speaks so much to how good the show is that my LEAST favorite character could become one of my favorites in like the course of two episodes. love mama bear tina.

the calm, familial love between richie and carmy that has slowly but surely been prodding itself out more and more each episode is just so beautifully done.

listen, you might say to yourself that violence is never the answer, but tiny pipsqueak carmy jumping into every fight possible to stop people from fighting is the most noble thing ever. like…what hope does he ever have of stopping these tall midwesterners from fighting? he just continually gets the shit kicked out of him for trying to stop people fighting and i kinda love that about him. and richie coming in to the rescue both times is also a vibe. love that about richie, stepping in as a protective older brother.

…of course this time richie almost kills a a guy and gets arrested so. not the best.

if you had put “richie gets arrested for assault, with possible charge of manslaughter depending on if the customer he punched to break up a fight” on your bingo card, good for you! i didn’t see that coming.

that richie “bad news” uses his one phone call to call his ex wife, and then realizing that he always calls with bad news decides instead to NOT tell her that he’s in prison, but instead apologizes for the argument he got in with her dad at some point in their relationship…wow. it breaks your heart all over again. richie is just such a broken, sad guy.

that carmy is waiting for richie, asleep in the foyer is just…precious. it’s family. that’s family. that carmy used the shop’s two week parachute money to bail richie out, meaning that financially the beef has gone right back to where it started in episode one is…well, again. it’s family. a shop, when doing it right, ACTUALLY cares about its employees. because carmy feels like the person who would have done that for anyone in the beef, not just richie. i know owners and managers saying “we’re family here” has turned into a red flag that is code for “we don’t pay you enough, we take advantage of you, and we emotionally manipulate you”. but what family ACTUALLY DOES is when battling the evils of capitalism, and struggling to get by, you use what little you had saved up to help those who make it possible to do what you do. i wish more places actually did things like this. paid for bail, or medical procedures. but the only businesses i’ve heard that have done this are small ma and pa, independently owned restaurants. and it’s probably because you work so close to these people all day every day that they really do become your family.

the fact that we then symbolically and visually go back to the beginning of the show: they’re getting ball breaker ready for a tournament, they have no money, carmy’s on the floor hand scrubbing stains again, lu fucks up their meat order. the same song from the first episode plays. we zoom in on the ever present and oppressive clock.

ok. so marcus returns, and carmy literally goes out of his way to say he’s so sorry and he’s glad he’s back. carmy proves that once again, he is trying to be better, he’s trying to rise above his family, above his old bosses and be the bigger and better person and apologize for his mistakes and show that he does care about marcus….but marcus doesn’t say anything back. AGAIN, i know that carmy’s blowup is visually, and thematically way bigger and more prominent. but marcus couldn’t have said like, “sorry that i took advantage of your trust and your belief in me. that while you were working 24/7 to try and make sure this place didn’t go under you still allowed me to purchase and explore and do whatever i wanted with my workday, and all i had to do in return was make the cakes that were my idea in the first places, which i then repeatedly didn’t do. i’m sorry about that.” like…it blows my mind that the writing team, director, producer, and everyone else didn’t have a moment where they were like “should marcus apologize for what he did at all? like, he hurt the store which was already hurting? he put the shop at more risk of closing because of his actions. should he apologize for that?”

the beautiful conclusion to the braised short rib dish. in an earlier post i talked about how there’s an ongoing subtle storyline with it that is deeper than carmy just being an asshole and saying it wasn’t ready without giving pointers to make it better. and we see as he covers sydney’s shift he finds her little black notebook with the recipe and that’s when he learns what’s wrong with the dish: that it needs acid. he didn’t know before. when sydney had him try it, he knew it was missing something but he wasn’t sure what. it might have been his own pride: he didn’t want to admit syd that he didn’t know what was missing. and he didn’t want to ask for her recipe to find out, because he’s supposed to be the best. he should know every ingredient that’s in the dish, and he should know what’s missing and what needs to be added. and he didn’t. so he couldn’t ask syd for her recipe, he couldn’t tell her he didn’t know what it needed. and maybe, there was a part of him that didn’t want her dish to succeed, because he saw her as the competition, like he admitted in his monologue earlier in this episode. but it comes from such a place of trauma, and pain, and self-hatred. it’s so well done and so sad.

what i think is truly fascinating is that we get this scene where we see the staff deep cleaning everything. soap and water. the whole kitchen looks amazing. we cut to the lowboys, we cut to the floor, we cut to the shelves with all the plates. spotless. and then in just a few scenes carmy is looking around and it’s wrecked. it’s filthy. and i wonder….is it actually wrecked, or is it in carmy’s own perception of the place. because one interpretation could be that; well, you’re a restaurant. you’re gonna clean, it’s gonna get dirty, you’re gonna clean, it’s gonna get dirty. and carmy is just sick of the repetition. that he’s getting worn out from it all. the other is that he’s in such a hole in his own head that he thinks the place looks like a wreck when in actuality it’s still cleaner and nicer than it was when he started working there.

i personally like the second option. for one, it mirrors the truth of the shop. we get a lot of repeated themes and moments from the first episode. carmy is probably feeling like he’s right back to where he started. he just spent 7 episodes “cleaning up the place”, and now it’s “dirty again”. but in actuality, he has a staff that has fully embraced his system over mikey’s, he has an updated menu that is making strides in the community. i mean, in seven episodes he was able to get ahead of the tidal wave of debt and bills to create a two week parachute while trying to fight for everyone’s respect and loyalty in the shop. now he has their respect, so he should make that parachute back up even faster. but he’s so emotionally and mentally drained and damaged that he can’t see that progress, he can’t see how much “cleaner” the shop is. he just sees the filth.

this is backed up, in my mind, that while carmy is having his anxiety and depressive episode, stuck in this cycle of dread, we get clips of everyone else crushing their jobs. they’re refilling condiment cups, they’re prepping eggs for cake, they’re dicing and cooking onions, chopping into a chicken. they look like a well-oiled machine. and then we cut to looking at carmy from the side, and the kitchen behind him looks clean. white. crisp. it makes me think that all the grime and disgusting stuff we saw was only in his head

HOWEVER; we also see an olive oil squeeze bottle on its side over the stove dripping into it, and then in the next scene when carmy turns the stove on it instantly bursts into flames. so. maybe it’s not fully in his head? idk, i go back and forth on this one.

i wish they could make a realistic cgi fire. i’m not sure if it’s because fire already kinda looks fake, so to then make fake fire becomes impossible to make look real? or if they simply didn’t have the budget to make it look real. but the two times there’s been fire in this show it has looked so fake.

i think the theme of fire that we see from carmy is interesting. carmy talked about how the day after he won a james beard award he started a fire and watched it burn for a moment. we get that quick snippet in the very beginning of this episode “shoulda let it fucking burn down” which i dont know if it was mikey or carmy saying that. carmy almost set his own apartment on fire while cooking. there’s a lot about fire in this season. (and a lot about trying to put the fire out next season…but more on that later…)

but i love that when everyone comes to put out the fire (which….thats symbolic, right? for community? carmy needed help, he started a fire, and they came around him and put his fire out), richie comes up to carmy and instead of being angry, or sarcastic, or mean, just wants to know if carmy is ok. because he understands now; richie has been going through a lot because of mikey, so obviously so is carmy. he’s thinking about others now for the first time.

and that’s when richie gives carmy the letter from mikey that he found in episode two. because richie finally realized that he’s not okay. and that because richie knows that he’s not okay, he realizes carmy is not okay. and that instead of the two of them not addressing why they’re not okay, it’s time to heal and move forward. so he gives carmy the letter. and i love that there’s a moment where carmy is a little mad; richie knew about a letter that mikey made out to carmy. but richie admits the truth: he didn’t want to give it to carmy because it meant that mikey was really gone. and carmy’s not mad anymore, because he understands. it’s a shared moment of intimacy that i just love how subtle and slow and quiet and understated it is. the care between carmy and richie in this moment, and sorta in the episode overall is just kinda beautiful. this episode does such a good job of not being in your face like the rest of the season is, even while arguably more intense stuff happens this episode than in any of the previous ones.

call it friendship, call it a budding romance, call it emotional dependency that is unhealthy (i’ve seen cases for all three), but i think it means something that carmy has this letter from mikey, and instead of reading it first he instead texts syd. this sort of thing will happen again in season two, and we’ll talk about it. but, i think it means something that before he can address and face mikey’s last words to him, he needs to make sure he doesn’t follow in mikey’s footsteps, he needs to make sure that he doesn’t leave anyone hanging with unneeded or unwanted anger without resolution. and top of his list is syd.

also, not important. but the outfit that syd is wearing this scene, while COOKING and making sauces that is splatterig, IS SO COOL. i don’t often notice outfits, unless there’s something deeper in the outfits that speaks to characters (carmy’s white shirt uniform, richie’s sweat pants and beef t-shirts), but syd’s shirt is fucking fire

“i love you dude. let it rip” is so….so. like it speaks volumes and it’s so mikey and its just a hit to the heart. but at the same time, that’s all he said. no long heartfelt goodbye. just i love you. let it rip. and family spaghetti recipe on the back. the same one carmy axed from the menu in episode one. it’s really nice touch that carmy decides to honor his brother, finally coming to terms with his death, by making the dish for family dinner. plus we learn why there’s so many smaller cans of tomato’s when bigger ones are cheaper per ounce! mikey thought they tasted better…

also. we get a quick cut of marcus making the cake again. and the first time we see him drizzle the chocolate on it looks SO DRY, but this time it actually looks moist and tasty!

i love that once again there’s like a…undercurrent of charge between fak and richie. fak is talking all low and quiet about how cool it was that richie got stabbed and walked it off, and i can’t help but think….do these two secretly love each other?! wouldn’t be surprised.

there’s $300,000 hidden in these cans of tomatoes! which, when i learned that, my very first thought was “didn’t carmy toss a can in episode one??? how much money was in that can! is there like 100 cans? that’s like $3,000! FUCK! even if there’s like 300 cans, that’s still $1,000? not great!

i think it’s pretty fair and fitting to say that in a capitalist society, all of the problems we just went through over the course of 8 episodes magically disappears because of money. like, these working class people are suddenly without a problem because $300,000 fell into their lap.

but that also brings me to one of my only guilts for this season. the deus ex machina of: we go through 8 episodes of problems and trying to climb out of this hole by the skin of our teeth, and ope! instead of accomplishing it ourselves we just found $300k. and everything is (sorta) wrapped up nicely. and yes, the way it all sorta gets revealed is done about as well as could be. the threat of making the spaghetti, carmy wondering about why they get the smaller cans, going over the books and seeing this weird amount of payments to KBL electric for the amount cicero gave to mikey. it all was leading here: finding the money. and it’s not superb genius twist, i assumed something was up and then was like “oh! the money!” before the money was revealed. but it also doesn’t need to be a super plot twisty thing. the bear isn’t going for that. so they do a great job with the plot point, it’s just not my favorite plot point.

but i do love that sydney comes back; for what, we’re not fully sure. to ask for her old job back? maybe. to pick up her last check and be done? possibly. but she stumbles upon this group of rough around the edges lovable dirtbags surrounded by tomato sauce and money and richie (and it’s perfect that it’s richie) is like, “hey! you’re part of this family! get a can opener and let’s boogie!”

i also loved that carmy and syd just look at each other and they without even questioning it start designing the new restaurant. but i have to believe that i wasn’t the only one that when syd asks, “okay, what do we call it?” and the camera holds for just a second too long on carmy’s face, i immediately yelled “OH SHIT! THE BEAR!”

and then it ends perfectly. the whole family eating pasta and laughing because they’re finally gonna be ok. the beef is gonna close, the bear is gonna open, and it’s gonna be amazing.

i also love the meaningful shot of carmy walking out of the kitchen and for the first time we see him pull the towels off his apron, and take his apron off. he’s not cooking. and everyone is smiling, and everyone is happy.

and then we get this shot, and it means something. because carmy is wearing a black shirt again, and he looks up just past the camera and smiles. and then we cut to mikey, who turns to look just past the camera and we realize that mikey and carmy are looking at each other smiling.

and then it ends. *chefs kiss*

i do……..think it’s a little glossed over that mikey knew about carmy’s dream of opening a shop together, loved that idea and would talk to him about it. and then realized that the beef was poison, so he hurt his relationship with carmy to keep carmy away, which sent carmy onto a path of fine dining. mikey saw that, knew that carmy could fix things, so he borrowed $300k from cicero, then took his own life and gave carmy the restaurant so that carmy would then uncover his plot and be able to start the restaurant of his dreams. i understand mental health plays a lot into this, but uffda. mikey. there are other ways to do this…other ways that are also just a smidge less convoluted.

but that’s the episode! and not just the episode, but the season! uffda. i honestly think it’s just about as perfect as perfect could be! yes, there are a few gripes, but man those gripes aren’t enough to even come close to stopping this from being my favorite show ever and one of the best shows ever made. i love it. i love it so much.

season two awaits! someday…

SEASON ONE: one | two | three | four | five | six | seven

SEASON TWO: one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten

[clatoera]

Let's talk about Annie Cresta.

What do you think of Annie as a character?

Do you think Annie volunteer or being reaped for her games?

What's about her condition after winning the games?

Headcanon post-Mockingjay?

Thank you 😊

Oh sweet Annie.

I think we don't know enough about her. Annie is a victor in her own right, and we do NOT know enough about her. All we get is notes on how crazy she is, and fortunately, the depth of how Finnick loves her. Finnick, the most sought after man in the Capitol, has deep incredible love for Annie. I want her story, I want to know who she was before her games, about her life in 4. I want more on Annie. I want to know all about her.

Annie Cresta, even her name is so nautical (Cresting waves?? like how cool is that).

I don't think she volunteered. 4 is a career district sometimes, not always I don't think (could be wrong, but I know in the films Haymitch described 1 and 2 as the Career Districts, so my info is from that right now). I think she was reaped but got very lucky. To me, I've always sort of wondered if arenas were designed with certain districts and tributes in mind. Katniss and the woods so much like her home district. Annie..and the flooding Arena. Annie won specifically because she was the strongest swimmer. Only someone from 4 was going to pull that off. We don't know enough about Annie to know what her "career volunteering" skill would be, which leads me to believe she was reaped and then her skill was something she could have only developed as a 4 girl.

Her condition after winning the games is trauma. PTSD with severe trauma. People say she went insane, that she went mad. I think she had severe, unresolved, and untreated PTSD. She saw her district partner Beheaded in front of her, and frankly that would traumatize anybody. She panics onstage at the reaping because she could relive that trauma. I think she actually is representative of the trauma of the victors. We don't talk enough about the trauma of Victors, and I think she represents the culmination of what could happen, what happens when it's not addressed and treated. These kids come out as Victors and are paraded around and treated like queens and kings...but no one acknowledges these kids just watched 23 people died. Theres no therapy or counseling to deal with trauma, and I think Annie represents a significant and severe case of PTSD. I actually think all of the Victors have PTSD. I think it's evident in Katniss, Annie, Finnick, and Haymitch especially, but I do think it extends to them all. I think Enobaria, Gloss, Johanna, etc etc etc...they have trauma from their own games but also from watching their own tributes go in and die year after year.

Noone comes out of the arena unscathed and I think Annie exists as a caricature of that trauma. Everyone is one more kill, one more loss, away from Annie's madness.

But like I said. I don't think she's insane. I think she is traumatized.

Post Mockingjay?

Annie is a widow and single mother to a very young child. I can't imagine that was easy for her. I think she was at very high risk of post partum depression, Post Partum anxiety, and even Post Partum Psychosis, and I hope she had the support somehow that she needs. She would desperately need the support.

I think she keeps up to date with Peeta, Katniss, and maybe Johanna/other surviving victors from 13. Especially Peeta and Katniss, we know from the letter and picture she sends of him. I think they do visits a few times a year. Exchange letters on their children. They watch Finnick's son grow up and make sure he knows how remarkable and brave his father was. They support Annie since he is not there to do so.

I think knowing her son now lives in a world without the games helps heal her. She will never watch her son go through what she and Finnick did.

Most of all, I hope Annie received mental health support. She now has added trauma of losing her husband in a terrible way, and living through a war. Not to mention the Capitol torture she witnessed and faced herself. Annie has extra trauma to process now. I hope she has guidance and counseling like Katniss/Peeta get. I hope she gets help. She deserves it. AND she would be able to recover and move forward with joy.

Annie Deserves that.

Thank you!

@curiousnonny

[motherofqups]

Something I think about more than I probably should: People don’t think about you as often as you think about them. Or in the valence you think about them. You have no control over how people see you no matter how you show up in their lives, for better or for worse.

I was an orchestra, theatre, and marching band kid all through high school. I saw my band director 3 times a day for multiple hours for 4 years of my life. I still have anxiety nightmares about this guy. I forget my flute, or I can’t put my flute together, or my fingers move like molasses through the runs. No matter how much I practiced as a teenager, it was never good enough for him - he never gave me the solos, the parts, the chairs. He once told me in front of the whole wind ensemble that I was a disappointment. He once insinuated that I was getting fat at the height of my eating disorder.

I saw him at a friend’s wedding a year ago, and he didn’t remember me. At all. Not my name, what year I graduated, what musicals I was in or what instrument I played. He confused me with my brother. It was an extremely disorienting experience.

Meanwhile, I went to my partner’s 10 year homecoming a year or so ago and ran into two of my old professors and a retired administrator for the art department. The first, I had one class with my entire college career. I saw him twice a week for two-ish hours for 3 months nearly a decade ago. He remembered me, and my partner (who showed up for one of my poetry readings the prof attended). He told me he thought about one of my art projects for his class on a regular basis. He remembered one of the papers I wrote *for one of his colleague’s classes* that he happened to read. He asked me if I was still writing, if I had published. He said he was glad he randomly ran into me, encouraged me to keep writing.

The second professor was from my freshman experience class, a much older Science type, quiet, birdwatcher kind of guy. He barely remembered my class but he remembered my performance in the spring musical. I had a vocal solo. He said it was his favorite part of the show. He teared up a little when I remembered the name of his dog, who had long passed at this point. I showed him a picture of gray lady, who has that dog’s same name.

The admin retired midway through my college career, and we ended up on a group hike together through the college nature center. I wasn’t shocked she remembered me (we were a small department) but she remembered so many little details. The outfits I used to wear. How I wore my hair, my favorite doc martens. She remembered the piece I won an award for my sophomore year, but she secretly preferred the other piece I submitted that wasn’t selected. She liked my loud laugh - she could hear it in her office when I was working in the studio.

I think there is value in trying to show up and be your best for the people around you, but it also strikes me that at a time when I wasn’t thinking about how people saw me - I was regularly showing up late to classes, swearing in front of my professors, generally just a fuxjing emotional wreck dealing with depression and ed and a complicated ldr - people remembered me so positively, not just for my achievements, but my personality. And when I was breaking my back to win someone’s approval, I was miserably anxious and they didn’t even remember my name in the end. I don’t know what to do with that information but goddamn does it floor me to know there are people out there who I don’t have to impress, who seem to love me no matter how I show up in life, who intrinsically see what I bring to the table without having to prove anything to them.