#anon I'm actually not sure what your goal is here but hey

[elvisqueso]

Well in history Captain John Smith described Pocahontas as "a child of twelve or thirteen" and Pocahontas later said to John Smith "I should call you 'father'? I tell you then I will, and you shall call me child" (I got this off wikipedia) so I have to tell you the truth that that was their real relationship.

Oh honey...

Honey, don't recite the deep magic to me, Ive read the damn thing myself.

Disney's fictional characters may be loosely based on the real people, but they're off-shoots of a romantic narrative that developed a good hundred years after the fact (I'd go so far as to say Disney actually subverted the trope in how they chose to approach their story, but that's another meta kind of post). I understand you seem to think that I think they're real or based entirely in fact or something, but I am very aware of the difference between fantasy and reality.

The real Pocahontas and Capt. John Smith were incredibly interesting people in their own right. Yes, in his writings (and those of others at Jamestown) Smith describes Pocahontas as being somewhere between the ages of 10 and 14 at various points in his telling ofthe two years or so Smith spent in America (the inconsistencies here are probably due to a number of factors, including memory just being vague as time went on). We know that Smith was about 28 when he landed in America and that his life before all this was absolutely wild if his writings are to be even half-believed (and there's some debate about how much salt to take with his telling of events. I don't think he was actually exaggerating all that much, personally).

There's also debate over whether the famous episode of Pocahontas "saving" the good Captain's life even happened at all (I'm in the camp that it probably didn't; at least, not in the way Smith tells or interprets it).

All things considered, there's a lot of room for interpretation when in comes to studying the surviving writings and evidence we have (which isn't actually all that much). I, personally, theorize that Pocahontas was something of a goddaughter to John Smith, because the English had provided one of their own boys (a lad named Thomas, in fact) to Chief Powhatan as a sort of bartering in exchange for peace thing, like they were exchanging children. Of course, I'm just a hobbyist and could be totally wrong, but we'll never actually know.

By the way, the quote you're using there is from their first encounter since Smith had been injured and returned to England. It had been 10 years since, and the news back home had been that Smith had died (although it seemed the Powhatan generally distrusted this information). Pocahontas was quite miffed that Smith had been avoiding her since her arrival to England (which it seemed he'd been doing, for whatever reason) and was making that quite clear to him in the middle of a ball they were both attending. I suggest actually reading the full section of text from Smith's writings because the whole encounter, to me, is hilarious.

Still gonna ship the Disney characters, tho.

[cheesecakezyum]

HII;!! (⁠ ⁠╹⁠▽⁠╹⁠ ⁠)/ I'm not sure if you'll take this but can I request a Sun Wukong ofcourze :) where MK and the gang are stalking him cause he's acting weird but is actually just happy his s/o is back from their travels and he's all lovey-dovey over them thank you! (Not a one shot but over all just headcanons plzz ☺️)

Hello there anon! Thank you for such a cute request <3

While I do love my headcanons I hope you don’t mind a bit of predetermined context as to why the reader left at first!

Missed you more than you know.

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♡ - It’s not like you wanted to leave your friends (Leaning more towards found family at this point really), but you wanted to pursue your own goals! And he— well, your lover.. Couldn’t just up and leave with you. He had to attend to his own duties as a mentor!

♡ - Since you were little, you’ve always wanted to travel. You were an artist, and your goal was to draw as much fauna as you could in your quite short life. Wukong had helped you a ton— especially while he was courting you! His gifts were often messily put together flowers and saplings, right at your window! At some point, your small apartment was your own personal nursery.

♡ - But he couldn’t just give everything to you and call your dreams off. You wanted to actually see fauna thriving under the hands of Mother Nature! To not just sketch the specimen but the surroundings as well, the wildlife. You grew warm and fuzzy just thinking of it.

♡ - So after a full year of preparation, you had finally taken your long awaited leave in pursuit of your dreams; Giving your simian one last kiss, you bid him goodbye. The way in which his tail was securely wrapped around your wrist slowly softened in defeat as you turned away.

You knew that if you looked back, you’d never be able to leave.

♡ - Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. Romania, Italy, Croatia— and so many other destinations had been just what you’ve been dreaming of. Europe was just as beautiful as you’ve read! If not more so. And one sketchbook had grown to 3, 4 if you cared to count the pages which were half filled.

♡ - And every night (At least every night where he wasn’t busy himself), Wukong would telepathically communicate with you! You just called it spiritual face time and chose to call it a day.

♡ - While you’d ramble about whatever interesting interactions or discoveries you’ve made, Wukong would keep you updated on how everyone was doing. An improvement in MK’s technique, Mei fixing up a new scooter she had found, etc.

♡ - And every night, after you’ve wished each other good night— he’d never forget to mention just how empty flower fruit mountain felt without you.

“I love you,”

“I miss you more every day you’re gone,”

“Your warmth, that laugh, the way your cheeks brighten at my cheesy comments.”

“I wish you were here with me right now. Heh, everyone does.”

♡ - After what felt like an eternity; you were more than satisfied with your work and began heading home! You couldn’t wait to tell him in person everything you’ve accomplished, and just how satisfied you were with your numerous sketches, watercolors, and inked works you’d soon frame all over your abode in remembrance.

♡ - Walking into your apartment for the first time in ages made your heart soar the minute you saw what surrounded you.

Your flowers, shrubbery, and plants had all been taken care of to near perfection. Not a single vine or leaf had wilted since your departure.

♡ - Your partner had tenderly cared for each of your greenery with such pristine care that you thought they even looked better than they had before— blooming bright and beautifully even when it wasn’t in season.

♡ - It seemed like you weren’t alone in the apartment as well, turning your head to see the Monkey King himself finishing up watering your pitcher plants.

♡ - And making eye contact, you noticed the way his jaw hung slack— as if he was being delusional and you were simply a figment of his imagination.

—

“Hey, hey, don’t overwater it! It’s spilling all over the floor!” You had urgently exclaimed, rushing over to snatch the watering can from his gentle hold and place it on a flat surface.

(It was a ceramic white duck, by far one of your favorites out of the many which were just stashed away in your closet.)

A puddle seemed to have already been made in between you two— but you couldn’t help but giggle in his obvious stupor.

Wukong’s voice was seemingly breathless, speaking in almost a whisper.

“You’re back, for real?”

Before you could even muster a response, you found yourself lifted in the air— then back in his loving embrace.

“I am, Wukong. I’m back.”

—

♡ - A week had passed, and within it you were more than happy to tell him and everyone else about your travels / experiences. It was practically expected— being gone for so long only leaving so much room for stories to tell.

♡ - What wasn’t expected, however, was the absolute clinginess of Wukong since your return. He hadn’t left your side once if it was in his control. Training and personal duties aside, you never spent more than 10 minutes of free time without being interrupted by his boisterous nature.

“Honey, I’m home!”

♡ - Once, you had to go into the shopping district for produce. The fruits had seemed especially delicious! You couldn’t leave without your mate however, as he had chosen to shape himself into a butterfly just to inspect what you were buying. Totally just that, not like it was anything else!

♡ - You’ve even caught MK and Mei sneaking around you at times where you thought it was just you and Wukong. Not that you could blame them, though. Anyone would be interested if they knew the great sage couldn’t get enough of you, being around you, all that mumbo jumbo.

♡ - Nights were spent either in your own bedroom or on the floor of his shack, coddled by both him and the many other monkeys which called Flower Fruit Mountain your home.

—

It was the same as always; tail curled around you ankle, an arm snaked around your waist and his soft breathing muffled into your hair.

You whispered into the darkness of your room—

“Did you really miss me that much?”

You didn’t expect an answer so quick to come from his mouth.

“More than you know.”

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EEEE IT FEELS GOOD TO WRITE AGAIN! Besides planning of course. I hope you enjoyed!

[eggdrawsthings]

Hi! I wanted to ask a question and I wasn’t sure if it was too personal or not so just ignore this is you’d rather not answer, but I was wondering if you went to art school or got a degree in it? I really want to start learning and maybe one day start a career in animation and wasn’t sure whether I should spend time and resources getting a degree. I know it’s going to be different for everybody and nothings a guarantee for this field but since I love your style and technical skill I was curious whether you had done that and what were your thoughts on it or if you are self-taught.

Hey anon! No worries it's all good!

Ig I should quickly go through my art journey so you can have an overall look of why I went to art school lol.

So I'm from Vietnam. I think back in 2013 I went to a small art school in Singapore (they were the only one that gave me a scholarship). My major was 3D modeling actually, but during my final year, I realized I only wanted to draw characters for animation. I could already draw decently, so I just read The Silver Way book and built a character design portfolio on my own during this time. I was lucky I got a job as a concept artist at a small animation studio there so I learned a lot from the job. I also did a lot of self-learning and took Woulter Tulp's Expressive Character class on Schoolism.

Then after 3-ish years of working, I got sick of the tiny and dying animation industry in Singapore. I wanna do sth more than just preschool shows and I was severely underpaid lmao. So I quit my job and took the MA VisDev program at AAU. It's a little more affordable cuz u can do 1 year online and the second year on-site. The reason I went to this school even tho i could just take a VisDev class online was cuz i need the visa so i can try to break into the industry in the US.

Now back to your question. Is art school a must? No. Should you still take it? Maybe, depends on your situation. If you can afford it then hell yeah by all means. Art school is great cuz you have professors and peers to help guide you along the way so you won't get lost while trying to figure out your shit. And to have a few years just experimenting and focusing on art is a great experience. Plus you can make a lot of meaningful connections in school and it will help you a long way after you grad. But if you have to go into debt to go to art school, then don't. There are places like Schoolism, CGMA, and Warrior Art Camp where you can pick what class and from whom you wanna learn. If you are not from the US and wanna break into the industry here like me however, then yeah getting a degree is a better bet cuz you can use the student visa and OPT to hopefully get a job here (it's still very very hard tho ngl im struggling rn as we speak lmao). Also, you need a BA to work overseas so there's that too. The hard truth is studios prefer to hire locally than some rando from somewhere else and have to wait for them to relocate and shit, (unless you are exceptionally good and they'd do anything to have you, but that is super rare lol).

Even though I did go to art school, I have to say most of my skills are from self-study. It requires a lot of self-discipline but I'm pretty much obsessed with drawing and I draw everyday so it's not a problem for me. But my friend is not good at that, so she found art school/classes helped her better cuz there are deadlines and instructors to help guide her to reach her goal. So it depends on your learning style tbh.

There is this chart that can help you consider your options. Im sorry it's a very long answer, cuz yes everyone's experience is different. Feel free to drop me another ask if you still have anymore questions tho ^^

Edit: I must also add, though there are online classes and ways to self-learn animation,I do think it only truly benefit you if you know exactly what you wanna do in this industry (for example I already knew i wanna become a character designer for 2d/3D animation specifically so any books/classes i took I tailored it to fit my goal). If you are unsure what you wanna do, then maybe even a cheap animation course will do better, and then you can take extra online classes on the side.

[omghallucinations]

enhypen sunghoon: anti-sagittarius stereotype (subtitle: pluto... what u up to there buddy????)

thanks to a kind anon i now know that dawn has some cultural connotations but i'm going to leave this breakdown because i DID ASTRONOMY for this astrology and i want that on the record!

after SO MUCH searching i found sunghoon was born at dawn then after extensive Learning (i did math for this dude) the exact technical time for dawn on 8 december 2002 in suwon was 7:02am. i'm not insane i know no one's gonna cite the exact scientific time to just colloquially say dawn, but i'm putting it in there anyway!! FROM WHAT I'VE SEEN many enhystrologers lean scorpio rising for sunghoon but i did not--primarily because of the astronomical/nautical/civil twilight times of that day he's a lot more likely to be a sag rising and secondarily because a pluto in the first house can reaaaaally look like a scorpio rising. also it makes sense to me to have sag rising for someone who is a) athletic and b) clearly intensely ambitious and goal-oriented (i assume??? i mean you don't become a pro athlete as a child then decide to become an idol without this??? i am only encurious you guys i'm not an enhexpert yet!)

i'm not gonna go hard on his ascendant or chart ruler since we can't be sure (altho i will touch on features of a sag ascendant because from like 5am on he has his sag sun in his 1st house) and i'm gonna focus on house placements and aspects that are consistent from ~5am-~7am.

sagittarius vibes: escape route planned 24/7

or, party in the first house: everything's not about me.... .but what if it is??? (it is)

so a sagittarius rising or sagittarius sun can be charming and extroverted and blah blah blah but not necessarily. sagittarius is ruled by jupiter and jupiter loves to EXPAND--expansion can mean fun, extroverted, silly, but it doesn't have to, expansion can also mean wanting more or going farther. notably a prominent jupiter can really expand your head. sunghoon does not have this problem, pluto really stepped in to be like hey girl... .ever feel the closeness of death haha? anyway no matter what any sag loves to: leave. goodbye!!!

they spend a lot of time considering the Philosophy of things--meaning is wildly important to a sag rising or sag sun's Purpose. as a leo rising personally i cannot relate, because i don't care about "what is 'good'" or whatever, i care about Vibes and my hair, but each to their own! a sag has to Believe in stuff, they're searching, they have a lot of thinky thoughts. a rising tells you your direction/journey in this life, and sagittarius cares about freedom, meaning, expansion and hitting da bricks. they feel trapped at the slightest provocation. the weather changes and suddenly they are accusing you of restraining them in a prison of your creation and it's like, girl? i'm just sitting here?

however! with the sun in sunghoon's first house he is not free from me, leo rising!! although he also has pluto conjunct his sun, and pluto is a very intense bitch so his rising (sag or scorpio) gets a major scorpio and minor leo flavor. but yet there is more! mercury can be up in there too, depending on time, which could be gemini rising-y but with his possible virgo MC i'm gonna say it gives more of a virgo rising flavor.

(sidenote, the key difference between gemini and virgo:

gemini is like, omg look at all these cool rocks, they are all so cool in different ways wow, i'm gonna take every cool rock home and show them to everybody i know and it will take 5 hours and they will definitely enjoy my 5 hour meandering rock lecture

virgo is like, hm this rock is clearly superior to this rock, i am only going to take the correct rocks home, and i will explain to you how they are actually not exactly correct in the following ways, which you will enjoy, especially my mean and hilarious commentary about the not superior rocks

and they are both weirdo freaks with anxiety. thank u for ur time.)

basically sunghoon is on a real Self Journey in this life!! with his south node near his ascendant and north node near his descendent (either 12th/6th house or 1st/7th house which is more of a Traditional Idol Placement), his journey is both about Discovering His Purpose/Identity and also realizing he's actually just one person in the wide world and there is no objective truth, really (a sagittarus looooooves objective truth, because objective truth is about being right) therefore he is not, personally, Responsible For All The Ills That Have Befallen Anyone (thanx pluto).

with his sun and possible rising in sagittarius, think about that arrow glyph ♐︎, it's really loaded to go-go-go! but not so fast because his lunar nodes (these guys ☋ ☊) are conjunct or near conjunct his ascendant-descendant line. if his north node was conjunct his ascendant it would simply increase the go-go-go and like focused unity of purpose (keep an eye on your transits bc whenever the transiting north node is conjunct ur natal north node you get the go-go-go), but his south node (☋ his past lives, his foundation) is the one conjunct his ascendant. there are 2 types here i think--either you don't care much about goals because I'm gonna get there when i get there, or!!! you are just as driven and intense someone whose north node conjuncts their ascendant, but life is gonna throw stuff in your path to help you periodically reevaluate. so it's more like sunghoon's past life and his ascendant as his like, lil guide to his Journey are standing in front of his instincts being like OK BUD. LET'S JUST SLOW DOWN THERE NOW.

it's not gonna stop him from achieving his goals, but it is gonna force him to reevaluate frequently, change his goals (transition from figure skater to idol??) and also try to get him to slowwww Dowwwnnnn.

so summary before i get deep into any more specifics--

sunghoon's 1st house is gonna color his whole life, so every planet in here is gonna have to do with how he figures out who he is and how he moves through the world:

his sun--he's gonna be in the process of figuring out who he is in his life. not everybody shows up as their sun automatically---but the sun is the energy you need to be or tap into. so he's called to #journey #search find #meaning and also #leave. any fire sun is also called to shine and assert themselves in some way.

his pluto, conjunct his sun--ok this is gonna require a real Treatise so i'm gonna go deep into her next but pls believe me when i say he has deep security needs and fear entwined with his identity bro also he's very powerful and has a lot of intensity and magnetism he is not aware of also he's ultimately deeply secretive (as a security mechanism)

(possible 1st house) his mercury, in detriment in sagittarius-- communication is part of his Journey but he's not like... super good at it. but he does have a real ability to nitpick and critique everything, including himself

(possible 1st house) his capricorn chiron -- ahhh.... yeah.... . ... there's some deep wounds in his perception of self and he feels rejected by society in some way.... tbh he feels like every time he's been Himself he gets hate for it from somewhere, this probably started when he was young. chiron has a lot of exact aspects to other planets too so that childhood agony really affects a lot of stuff in his life!! yoops. when he feels vulnerable he probably shuts down a lot and tries to keep it #business and tries to heal himself through success/trying to adhere to societal standards in some way

pluto conjunct sun: an onion buried deep underground by an overprotective badger

pluto has the sun fully behind an 8 foot deep brick wall. people are like knock knock knock, can i get to know u sunghoon, and pluto is like hell NO nobody is HOME get OUT. this seems very rude and it is but sunghoon's pluto is trying to protect him! like he'll be able to be close to people in his life, but he probably hides a lot even from them, like i doubt anyone knows aaaaanything non surface level about his childhood or like. how he really feels about something.

here is the real kicker about that pluto!! pluto doesn't just want to hide sunghoon's sun from the world, pluto wants to hide sunghoon's sun from sunghoon, like sunghoon feels impenetrable to himself probably. especially trippy because again this is part of his #journey!! knowing himself!!

something about a pluto-sun conjunction or square or many 1st house plutos seem very catholic to me, like very I Am The Sinner I Am The Destroyer I Personally Did Sins So I Myself Caused This Problem subtext, very goth, very stained glass, very gruesome depictions of the deaths of saints... the power of imagery... .. .. people are really into your aesthetic... rituals 4 life... .. .. morbid kids love this....

so like, sunghoon has all this personal power and magneticism but he does not see that about himself and actually he probably really does not have good self esteem at all. when he gets older this will probably get better but he is nooooot there yet like i don't blame him!!

sunghoon, just living his life: sun conjunct pluto in his first house (hades hanging over his shoulder whispering): hey ever think that death could come at any minute? if anyone truly knows you they will betray you :) and steal your identity somehow or force you to be someone else :) sunghoon: (the scream by edvard munch) sun conjunct pluto in his first house: HEY DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE INHERENTLY THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS??? sunghoon: idk why i feel weird and anxious all the time sun conjunct pluto in his first house: you're welcome for protecting you :) i love you :) never sleep anything could happen :)

often the sun in a hard angle (square or opposition) or conjunction with pluto will have a father or father figure who looms really big in their lives and who seemed all-knowing when they were a kid--it probably seemed like this person just Knew if sunghoon had erred in any way.

sunghoon: daddy issues? answer: actually, not traditionally! just has a dad who really influenced his perception of the world!

sunghoon's dad probably:

was very aware of the bad stuff in the world and negative aspects of humanity

tried to protect sunghoon from this reality

sunghoon saw him as vaguely all-knowing (and probably unconsciously sensed the like... fear or tension his dad hid about, handwave, life stuff)

with the sun trine jupiter, sunghoon probably had a great relationship with him especially when he was young--although he may have made his dad into almost like a god, like he could do no wrong and he was always right about everything

so now sunghoon:

hyper-vigilance

LOVES a ritual (ritual can save him????? from anxiety???)

probably still idolizes his father

can take a dad-like role sometimes and come across as paternalistic and patronising, he really means well tho

god complex (i need to be great at everything i do, also everything bad that happens anywhere was my fault somehow)

sun-pluto is so fun because it's like:

sun conjunct pluto: i must become Great... I must become So Special.... . that i have NO SHADOWS i must become SUPERHUMAN i must become BEYOND DEATH i must NEVER FAIL if I FAIL i FALL APART by MARINA i can ENDURE ANYTHING!!!! pluto conjunct sun: ah i am worthless... .. . yet i am so intensely important that inherently i destroy everything i touch somehow.. .. .. every single thing that has ever happened is my fault... .. anyway maybe i should subconsciously self-sabotage and create some situations where i need to develop superhuman willpower idkk.....

usually sagittarius gets by with a very healthy sense of humor and lols, but that pluto conjunction means he takes life REALLY SERIOUSLY as well. too seriously. he must learn to make a mistake and to simultaneously have some self esteem and also have some humility lmao.

since this is such a powerful conjunction, let's look at what else it touches!! whatever it does, it's gonna mean sunghoon has insane expectations of himself there.

pluto-sun (1st house):

square virgo MC (possible, depends on birth time)) --if it does hit it's like he has sky high expectations of himself in his career BUT he keeps making choices that don't align with him well so he ends up criticizing himself SO insanely much leading to overwork to "correct" anything, repeat. trine leo jupiter (8th or 9th house): any fire trine has a talent for risk--and with jupiter it's like it is time to LEAP without EVER LOOKING bro!! with the pluto and possible 8th house aspect it's not necessarily like there is no possibility of failure, but almost like sunghoon is like (clenches fist) there can be no failure if i simply.... brute force myself to success. anyway a fire trine is inspirational and future-y, with the sun and jupiter it is extra this especially because they rule each other (jupiter in leo ruled by the sun in sagittarius ruled by jupiter) so they are partners. but also they have to "and steve" pluto who changes the vibe a lot. still! sunghoon has a lot of creativity, will power and an ability to take his personal identity (1st house, sun, leo) and use it in a global way (jupiter, possible 9th house). altho this... really just increases his complexes lmao. semisquare aquarius moon in the 2nd or 3rd house: man let's hope his moon is in the second to ground it a little bit lmao.... more on our aquarius moon here later, but basically this one shows he is so so so so so sensitive but he doesn't like to show it. people probably think he is much more mentally strong than he is. every criticism seems both objectively true and also like a direct attack on himself as a person. semisquare mars in scorpio (11th or 12th house): deeply focused, ambitious, can be ruthless, suppressed anger (especially in the 12th), needs a goal or an outlet for the Energy (music is good!) otherwise he ouroborus eats himself septile neptune in aquarius (2nd or 3rd house): septile is like a pisces-y aspect, it's very subtle and a little mystical, it just adds a little glaze like a light sheen of water u know what i mean? it's not super deep but it adds to the Flavor. since neptune is a pisces-y planet, sunghoon's identity gets a softening quality which he desperately needs. he has a spiritual ability and, w the sag sun and pluto, probably finds a lot of meaning in spirituality which can offset some of his Stuff. this gives him a like, ophelia in the river painting thing. very delicate, wistful, loves to lie to himself...

because some aspects are super specific and this isn't an exact conjunction, we get a few that may only apply to 1 planet:

sun novile venus in scorpio in the 11th or 12th: a tint of libra, it's a talent here or a calling. in the 12th would give him a self-sacrificing vibe, in the 11th it's more about his beliefs about humanity

sun contraparallel saturn in gemini in the 7th or 8th house: if i can Do Things and Produce and Fix Problems and Overcome Obstacles i will... become worthy...

scorpio venus/mars square aquarius moon/neptune: double life????

any fixed square or opposition has a ton of willpower but hates to change stuff and is very attached to things/ideas/people/whatever, and the scorpio-aquarius fixed square is like

scorpio: tell me ur deepest darkest secrets let's commune on the deepest level intimately you r my twin flame wait NOT YOU i don't trust YOU i trust one and a half people on this earth but with them i want 2 unite souls aquarius: ah, humanity, i have many abstract yet deeply humane ideas about humanity, how fascinating, let us discuss them, objectively and dispassionately, i love friendship, uhhHH not that close though!!!! stay out!!! icky!! yucky a real emotion yuck not like that! this better not awaken anything in me!!

in any square or opposition the two sides do not agree on how to act in any given situation, and since this is a fixed square they are just like... fully in a standoff.

and with sunghoon's venus in detriment in scorpio conjunct his mars on one side of that square, it's giving.... double life. lmao. it's giving.... presents one way in the public eye has his private life way less conventional on the side. it's giving... .taboos??? all of this especially if the venus-mars conjunction is in the 12th. something in his private life is a lil out there--maybe he's into the occult?? fun!! or it could be something relationship-y or sexual especially with venus and mars involved. eyeball emoji indeed....

our scorpio side of this square clearly wants intimacy, it wants intensity, it wants depth and connection. aquarius, this may shock u, super disagrees.

on the aquarius end, our neptune-aquarius conjunction, an aquarius moon can really run the gamut. the stereotypical thing here is like--

loved one: i don't feel loved and cherished please reassure me!! aquarius moon: what is "love," really... what is "reassure".... (lecture about nature of love/interpersonal versus personal love that manages to obscure their own feelings about anything) anyway like i was saying (harry styles voice) choose kindness....

and honestly a lot of the time u truly cannot kill an aquarius moon in any way that truly matters. their emotional center is on another planet you cannot get there. of course that means they feel pretty lonely sometimes. they distance themselves from their feelings so far they can often fool themselves into thinking they don't have them and are absolutely pro at distracting themselves. ever met one existing on your own in silence??? not a single aquarius moon, a never-ending podcast a day keeps the inner demons away.

honestly a sag sun aquarius moon will obviously have an unconventional relationship life barring other factors, they feel trapped SO OFTEN they can't possibly have a "normal" one, so this makes sense. it may be as simple as an open relationship or just a relationship in which one partner travels a lot, idk.

IMPORTANT THO! the moon is widely conjunct neptune, which will piscesify everything.

neptune: so much of life is about connection... beauty.... can we really experience the world if we don't touch the soul of another... aquarius moon: (frantically looking for exactly the right youtube video to shower with it playing in the background so it doesn't have to face its thoughts) neptune: my influence will make u feel so tender and like ur reaching out for connection.... just give in.... maybe try hallucinogens... aquarius moon: NO. NO THOUGHTS. NO. alexa play literally any pocast, anything, please, i don't know what is happening to me, what is this swirling.... emotion???

especially with his mercury in detriment in sagittarius, sunghoon has NO IDEA what any of these feelings are or how to label them. girl get an emotions chart like for kids. it will help.

aquarius LOVES a boundary and neptune HATES a boundary so he has a curious ability to feel everything everyone else is feeling and...... not be able to communicate it at all.

k try to get into the #childhoodissues

moon square mars: ever feel... rejected as a child haha... idk and maybe you sensed your mom had a lot of unspoken anger about society or the extended family or something?? neptune conjunct moon: idk i feel like my childhood was perfect also my mom did everything for me i feel bad.... she had to work so hard... moon square mars: (repressed anger simmering beneath the surface like an icelandic volcano) aquarius moon: what i have learned here is that it is safer to remove yourself from everything and view it all from an objective distance. and whatever else u do, always stay a little removed subconsciously!!! that way u will be safe neptune conjunct moon: haha good luck with that scorpio venus conjunct mars: maybe sexuality and relationships are a great way to deal with hard feelings and repressed whatever???? moon square mars-venus: at least we can agree that it is very important to protect the people u love scorpio mars: and if you must fight, fight and win neptune conjunct moon in aquarius: with our words and ideas because we are demure and mindful

sunghoon's venus-mars conjunction is exact--and this is a really cute conjunction! a mars conjunction can often seem really overwhelming, but with venus it's more like we combine mars's survival impulse with venus's love of art and beauty--so (stop this is so adorable) it's like he pursues artistic expression as an act of survival. ughHH that's beautiful. stop.

it also softens the aquarius moon by aspect--

scorpio venus-mars conjunction: what is life without intimacy and love??? are we alive if there is no romance at all??? can we experience our art authentically if we do not have Romance??? aquarius moon: oh hey guys didn't see u there... idk i was really planning on keeping people at an emotional distance for safety?? idk when people get close to me i'm kind of like uhhHH uh oh danger signals?? sagittarius pluto-sun conjunction: oh #word, #vibes, #mood scorpio venus-mars conjunction: 🥺 mars at home in scorpio: 😈 venus in detriment in scorpio: 👻 ? neptune conjunct moon: idk... i can feel the Aura... the veil between worlds... .. . .. i mean, psychologically would our understanding of the world be incomplete without union with another... idk aquarius moon: :( it's like u guys want to get hurt ugh fine

but i'm really underscoring what i wrote up there about double life dude lmao. he really likes a neat divide between who he is as an idol and what his private life is like.

time for our summary!!

the only other thing i really wanted to touch on leads nicely into the list of influences--sunghoon's gemini saturn opposes his sagittarius placements. sometimes you'll see a chart underline a thing four times using different aspects (with slightly different flavors of course) and you're like ok ok we GET IT.

big theme #1

say it with me, identity! saturn opposing all these first house placements including his sun is a very literal feeling of ---in order to please people around me/society (saturn, 7th house) i need to suppress or control my own power and shine in whatever way. sunghoon's #journey is very much about figuring out who he is, understanding his personal power and learning to harness it.

also really deeply understanding he is not the #destroyerofworlds shit just happens sometimes

big theme #2

balancing his passion (mars/venus in scorpio) with his fear of containment (sagittarius) and defense mechanisms of staying removed from things (aquarius) -- he doesn't have to unite his personal life and public life if he doesn't want to, but he does have to learn about his own feelings and stuff.

he's working towards (north node in gemini in the 7th) viewing life a little more lightly and less like there is one Objective Truth, as well as learning to communicate with others and develop real personal relationships where he allows himself to be vulnerable and doesn't just like... cosplay "relationship" while still maintaining a total independence out of fear.

chart big players:

mars, at home in scorpio--possible chart ruler, definite big player in his prominent aquarius-scorpio square

jupiter, exalted in leo--possible chart ruler, definite ruler of his sun, mercury, south node and pluto. this is interesting because usually a dominant jupiter makes for a very bouncy and exuberant person, but that's not the impression i get of sunghoon but again i barely know much about him so i could be deeply off base!! the vibe i get though is more of a weight on the future-looking parts of jupiter, expansion in a less physical/jubilant more mental or career sense. a totally committed feeling like he's always going to make it and he's going to do well, like opportunities are given to him (and they are), that kind of thing. but pluto really does not want him to bounce and jubilate very much, judging by the aspects there.

his pluto and his sun, going hard in his first house!!

his saturn has the most exact aspects to other planets as well as his only opposition, which makes a lot of sense for an idol--so much is about work, production, value, society. maturation comes easily to sunghoon, for better or worse.

his lunar nodes have wildly a lot of aspects as well as being either conjunct or near conjunct his ascendant-descendant line--this is a really vital life for sunghoon! #journey!! also i am. so jealous of anyone with a natal node conjunct their ascendant, everyone i know with that has such a like. direct and sure path to their goals??? doesn't always work out but damn it seems awesome to be so unified on a goal.

this was really interesting!! it was really cool looking at someone whose sun doesn't seem totally tapped into yet--his chart is really showing these blocks he'll have to work through with all of the different aspects and planets in detriment. and it's a good reminder that often people don't just rock up in life as purely their sun sign--they have to work through things, possibly projecting qualities of their sun sign on other people, before really leaning into that identity.

plus like damn pluto is so powerful, you know??

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

What do you think of Watari? Do you think he read too many comics of Batman as a child and that's why he is willing to go that far for L? Is he just that eccentric that he dedicated his life to create the perfect detective and then created a fabric orphanage that raises more perfect detectives? Or is he another bored genius with too much money? And what do you think L thinks of him?

“I just never thought I’d meet anyone who legitimately thought he was Batman.” Naomi pointed out, “I mean, that stuff just doesn’t happen to other people, but somehow I just managed to find the one guy and…” “I don’t think I’m Batman.” L said in slight confusion as if wondering how that point even had come up. “Oh come on, now you’re just delusional.” Naomi said, “Do I really need to point this out for you?” “There’s a ninety nine percent chance that there is nothing legitimate to your argument.” “Hey, assholes, I’m right here!” Mello said trying to become the focus of the conversation once again. Naomi and L spared him a dull glance before returning to glaring at each other and continuing to pretend that Mello didn’t actually exist. “Wrong. There are many reasons why you think you’re Batman. Let’s start with Watari, tell me, doesn’t he seem an awful lot like Alfred?” Naomi placed her hands on her hips ignoring Mello’s pacing back in forth in the room like a neglected and angry puppy. “That’s rather irrelevant and somewhat racist, not all British elderly men are Alfred…” Naomi continued counting off the reasons on her fingers, “You work with the police but you never show them your face. You learned martial arts and I’m sure that if you didn’t already know that it wasn’t practical you would beat your enemies up in an elaborate costume for the good of the world. You have at least three secret identities just in case someone finds out who you really are. You built a giant building with a helicopter pad just so that you could catch one man who is you’re arch nemesis. You have your own symbol which you display to show your presence in the world. How do you not think you’re Batman?” L blinked and said, “Those were all completely necessary.”

All You Need is Love, by me, circa 2010

I'm sure other people have said as much, but I feel like you're quoting me to me, anon...

I've already given my two cents on Wammy's, the long and short of it being that it's a toxic and terrible idea that is not for the good of the children, the world, or anybody.

So... honestly, yeah, Watari's clearly really attached to this idea of the world's greatest anonymous detective to the point where he built this orphanage that destroys several children's lives while actively destroying L's life (as we have enough flashbacks to reveal that L started this when he was very young). Watari clearly does care for L, we do see signs of that, but it doesn't mean this isn't all very fucked up and that Watari--clearly is chasing a goal in this and feels this is a good turn of events.

The thing is it's not about training people to become competent detectives, even if they were adults rather than children, it's instead making these children compete so they can get a single title for a man who isn't even dead yet to ensure that this legacy of an anonymous super detective continues when... why? L can die, anyone can die, any name can die. Why not let the title of L die and let other detectives step up to fill in the gaps? Why not have the children pursue their own titles rather than L's? Why have them pursue L's title at all from a very young age when this probably won't be what they want to do with their lives when they're adults?

Why this obsession?

It's not a natural thing that Watari's set up, not in any way, and the amount of dedication involved (including personally as he's the living assistant twenty-four-seven to L) speaks to something a lot more than a bored genius.

I think Watari believes in L, the idea of L, more than L himself ever did.

As for L's thoughts on Watari (here his thoughts on Near and Mello), it's hard to say. He treats Watari like shit, but he treats everyone like shit, and we do see him have... a few moments with Watari and no more friction with the man than he does anyone else.

However, we do see things such as L more or less refusing to go along with the Wammy's scheme, despite Watari being very into it. L and Watari always interact in the roles of detective and assistant, we never see them break character despite knowing each other since L was a child. In fact, we see Watari... plying him with sweets twenty-four-seven which really begs the question of whether Watari has ever, in L's life, helped him adult in any capacity. Did you even fucking try, Watari? Or did you just feed this boy hostess snacks for twenty years?

We also see L have a much more... nuanced and passionate interaction with Light than he ever does Watari. It could be Watari's comfortable, the closest thing L has to a father, while Light is exciting and a brilliant murderer and the highlight of his career, and we do see L be even worse with the likes of Matsuda, the rest of the task force, Misa, even people he hires like Wedy, but it really does feel like L means it when he says Light is his only friend.

He clearly has an emotional attachment to Watari but... honestly, it doesn't feel like as much as he has to Light, which is a bad sign when Watari's been around since L was a child.

Basically, I land on "looks complicated, but Watari was a pretty shit father, and L doesn't seem to regard him as one". I don't think L resents him, he clearly enjoys his position and toys too much, but I do think L... thinks of him and treats him as "assistant and butler" and that's the box Watari gets to live in in L's brain.

[the-way-astray]

It's the Never Change Anon again! Enjoy!

—————

Title: Never Change chapter 2

Pairing: Stria x Keefe

—————

"I'm still waiting for you to tell me who Shannon is."

"Your mind might explode."

Keefe raised an eyebrow, looking genuinely insulted. "I think you'd be surprised what I can handle."

Well, insulting him was the goal, so Stria felt no remorse. "Trust me, you can't handle this. I'm really just protecting you." Stria smiled warmly and sweetly, her face the perfect picture of someone looking out for a friend. Keefe rolled his eyes, and Stria laughed internally. Maybe she should call him sweetie next time. His eyes might pop out of his head.

"Well, most of this is just you being upset about my sense of humor," Keefe said, a very true statement. Stria nodded. "I am quite funny, if I do say so myself."

"Stop saying so yourself. Please. That's, like, half the problem with your humor. Not only are you not funny, but you're vocal about how funny you think you are. It's unbearable."

"That's an opinion," Keefe defended. Somehow, he'd been miffed enough by most of the essay that she hadn't had to endure his ridiculous smirk even once since they'd gotten their smoothies. "One most people disagree with."

"Yeah, because Shannon decided to write that for some reason."

"What the hell does this Shannon person have to do with anything?!"

Stria smiled sweetly again, tilting her head. "Don't worry your pretty little head about it."

"Excuse me?"

Stria was internally cackling. He looked so frustrated. This was amazing. "You heard me."

"You're a very unpleasant person," Keefe said, crossing his arms.

"I'm not trying to make this date pleasant."

Oh no. Now she was having to deal with the smirk again. Dang it. Could they go back to her needling him? That was fun! "Thought you said it wasn't a date."

"It isn't."

"But you just said it was."

"This date, as in, a day on the calendar," Stria said. Truthfully, it had been a slip of the tongue, and she wasn't sure where it came from. She just hadn't known how else to refer to what they were doing, though she could think of a few better options than date now that she was actually considering it. "It's always a date. You can wipe that smirk off your face."

"I don't think I will." His smirk grew. Ugh. He was the worst.

Well. She'd just have to wipe it off for him, then. "Fine. Guess it's time for us to get back to the things I hate about you. Where were we again? Oh, yes! The way you always push until you get what you want. I'm even enabling you by being here right now, but it's worth it, because I get to rant to you. Why do you not take no for an answer? You help Sophie, not by choice. She thinks it's easier to just tell you what you want to hear than argue with you. There's citations on the sheet!"

"What are you citing?!"

Stria brought back the sweet smile. "None of your concern."

"Will you cut that out?!"

"I don't plan to."

Keefe groaned. "You can at least explain this to me." He was pointing to something on the sheet, and Stria leaned in to see what it said.

“‘Is it okay if I enter your mind?’ Fitz asked. ‘Dude, do you realize how creepy that sounds?’ Keefe interrupted. ‘It’s less creepy than reading her feelings all the time without telling her,’ Fitz argued. ‘Hey, it’s not like I try to do that! You’re just mad that Foster can’t hide things from me.’” (144) Keefe gets bored, so he interrupts Sophie and Fitz’s cognate training for no reason. You know, because he’s incapable of keeping his nose out of others’ business for two seconds. And not only that, he has the audacity to say he doesn’t try to read Sophie’s emotions. Sure, he’s not doing it all the time, every time, but he does it when he feels she’s hiding something.

"I think I explained it pretty well on the paper," Stria said simply, internally cackling at the way he looked genuinely offended.

"Aside from the fact that I have no clue how you're quoting conversations you were not there for and still won't explain what those numbers mean, I don't try to read Sophie's emotions! They're just loud!"

Stria pointed to the last sentence of the section he'd indicated, not about to waste her breath repeating something she'd already said.

"Uh, I feel that she's hiding something the same way I feel all the rest of her feelings: by accident!"

"Sure."

"It's like you're deliberately trying to misunderstand me!" Keefe exclaimed.

"On the contrary. I think I understand you quite well." Stria crossed her arms. "As you can see, I know far more about you than you might anticipate, and suffice to say, I don't like what I know."

"Okay, no. You don't get to just pretend you know me because you've seem some weird written account of all my conversations!" Keefe snapped. "You don't like my personality? Fine! My friends do. Friends being Fitz, Dex, Sophie... yes, they roll their eyes and tease me about it, because we are friends. If they didn't like me, they wouldn't hang out with me!"

"Wow, you really need to believe that, don't you?" Stria remarked.

Keefe grit his teeth. "I don't know how you know these things. I don't know why you're so sure you understand me, when none of these weird quotes are in my perspective."

"Your perspective is worse, trust me."

"My point is, you think you have me all figured out, and you're wrong."

Stria shrugged. "If you're so sure, why should you care?"

"Because you think the worst of everything I do! It isn't fair!"

"I only do that because everyone else thinks the best of everything you do!"

"That isn't even true!" Keefe exclaimed, exasperated. "Look, I'm not about to get into details about my personal relationships to some girl I barely know, but there's a lot more than what you've got written down on this paper. And if you think everyone just loves me and everything I do all the time, you're wrong."

Stria almost retorted, but something about this particular brand of exasperation that he was showing made her stop. There was something oddly vulnerable about it, and she was surprised Keefe wasn't covering it up with atrocious jokes. Or maybe they were past that stage, since he had some idea that she'd a good deal of his life. "Of course your friends love you," she admitted instead. The shock on his face when she admitted it was almost as good as his earlier fury. Not quite. But almost. "That's not what I'm saying."

"Then what are you saying?'

"There's people... it doesn't really matter to you, actually." She didn't need to explain to him about the Pinterest KOTLC fandom. Especially since she wasn't telling him who Shannon Messenger was.

"I think it matters a lot, actually."

"Yeah, well, I'm the one who knows it, and you don't, so it's up to me whether or not it matters to you, actually."

"It's my life, you know," Keefe snapped. "If you know all this random stuff about it that I don't, you should probably tell me."

"Trust me—"

"I don't. You sound like the Fork man when he's trying to convince Sophie she doesn't need to know who her parents are."

Stria blinked.

Really? He was going to make that comparison?

"Want to know who your parents are?" Stria offered, deliberately misinterpreting the quesiton. "Their names are—"

"I'm good, thanks."

And... now he really didn't look like himself. Maybe bringing up his parents was a bad idea. Stria didn't like him very much, but she took that particular sore spot of his very seriously. "Sorry."

"For what?"

Nope. He wasn't getting any more of an apology out of her than that. He was really good at getting people to feel bad for him, wasn't he? "We should probably get going," Stria said curtly. "I'm out of smoothie."

Keefe sighed, standing up. "Okay. Want to do this again sometime?"

Stria blinked slowly.

Then again.

Then again.

Then, "I'm sorry, did you just say you want to do this again?"

"Yep."

Okay, Stria was at a complete loss. "Why?!"

"I don't know. I hate talking to you. I hate the way this stupid essay trivializes things I genuinely struggle with." He absentmindedly traced his hand over one of the passages still on the table, and Stria glanced at it, wondering what he was talking about.

“‘And Fitz isn’t perfect, by the way.’ ‘He’s close enough.’” (238) No??? Nobody is. And here’s a fine example of another forced consolation scene. Keefe lathers it up with the self-pity and feeling sorry for himself, and later on down the road, Shannon realizes that and her solution to that particular problem is hilariously atrocious. I’m writing this quote in blue so that it’s easy to come back to later, because I’m going to talk about it once we get there. But for now: Keefe’s personal pity party is clearly only there to make the audience pity him. All he’s doing right now is acting weirdly whiny and jealous of Fitz for . . . being “perfect”? Which again, jealousy is natural. But Keefe has never in his life tried to achieve perfection, and has in fact always tried to do the exact opposite, so why would he be jealous of Fitz for being perfect all of a sudden? It’s completely out of character for him. Shannon. You can’t just make Keefe jealous of Fitz for the sake of being jealous of Fitz because you want a forced consolation scene. It has to make sense. Keefe would never be jealous of Fitz for this particular reason. Keefe doesn’t try to be perfect at all. Why would he care that Fitz is “perfect”?

"I think I make a good point in that passage."

Keefe laughed mirthlessly, shaking his head. "Like I said, you don't know me half as well as you think you do."

Whatever. They didn't need to keep arguing over this. "Okay then. Let's say I don't know you at all and nothing in this essay matters."

"Which is true," Keefe agreed.

"Why on Earth would you want to do this again?"

"You're just..." Keefe pressed his lips together, studying her for a moment. "You're so... different."

Stria barked out a laugh. "Oh. Oh, you did not just say that. You did not just say I'm not like other girls. I can't do this."

"Why do you have a problem with everything I say?"

"Shannon really made you like this, huh? She did. She literally did. I mean, I'm actually not that surprised, but wow. Wow."

Keefe rolled his eyes. "Oh no, me having my own personality. I can practically feel you burning with hatred."

"I am," Stria agreed.

"So are we on for next weekend?"

And for the same inexplicable reason Keefe wanted to see her again despite his fury, Stria agreed. "Fine. But we're getting milkshakes next time."

—————

I'd love to see people's guesses on who I am.

Yours are fascinating. I see an anon is fully convinced that I am Katie. I will admit, I have read fanfiction by Katie before, and Katie's writing style for KOTLC is similar to Shannon's in a lot of ways, so I've consumed a lot of KOTLC in the style in which I write it.

Perhaps I am Katie. Aren't we all Katie?

Sorry for quoting your essay twice, but it seemed like the best way to get into your head for this. I look forward to your response!

not breaking this down like i did with part one, that would simply take far too long. the people have spoken! they want more never change. anon, you're popular lmfao.

and it seems there are some people that are super invested in this, so i can create a taglist, if anyone wants to be added.

you get notes instead of a breakdown this time:

""I'm still waiting for you to tell me who Shannon is." "Your mind might explode."" it's hilarious that i refuse to tell him who shannon is . . . you should make me tell him in a future chapter. that would be so funny

not the condescending sweetie/sweet smiling/"don't worry your pretty little head over it" . . . lmfaooooo i don't do that on principle but it seems like something keefe would do. so i understand where the sentiment comes from

"Stria was internally cackling." WRONG! i was externally cackling. it was a bit concerning if i'm being honest

""I'm not trying to make this date pleasant."" did i just slip . . . i don't slip . . . not like this . . .

"You help Sophie, not by choice. She thinks it's easier to just tell you what you want to hear than argue with you. There's citations on the sheet!" there is in fact citations on the sheet. many, many citations on the sheet. anon, you're doing a fantastic job of reminding me why i hate canon keefe. also sophie exists in this strieefe fic???? where my rant where i criticize sokeefe exists? how does that work? what does she think of me?

ooooooh, you really should've had me bring up the keefe grabbing people's hands to read their emotions, including sophie herself

""It's like you're deliberately trying to misunderstand me!" Keefe exclaimed." you're making me mad at a version of keefe that isn't even technically canon anon you're working magic here

""Wow, you really need to believe that, don't you?" Stria remarked." truly i do believe keefe's friends like him. i just think that was a poor writing choice on shannon's part

""Your perspective is worse, trust me."" very much agreed. the way he thinks of sophie in his head disturbs me a bit. also fitz. but sadly i haven't gotten there yet. anon, does the physical copy i handed keefe contain the part two excerpt i released?

""Because you think the worst of everything I do! It isn't fair!"" that's not true, not that keefe would know that . . .

""Look, I'm not about to get into details about my personal relationships to some girl I barely know, but there's a lot more than what you've got written down on this paper. And if you think everyone just loves me and everything I do all the time, you're wrong."" sir . . . who initiated this again . . . anon, fantastic job making him as annoying as possible. also did keefe read my disclaimers. i specifically stated that i was only listing the bad things about him. tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk keefe. i expect better next time

"Stria almost retorted, but something about this particular brand of exasperation that he was showing made her stop. There was something oddly vulnerable about it [ . . . ]" yeah i would not care. tear the man to shreds. only time i care is when his abusive parents are brought up. i have some decency, i suppose

""Of course your friends love you [ . . . ]"" wait did i contradict myself. didn't i say that keefe needed to believe that before? was i trying to be purposefully mean? doing character analysis on myself like hmmmmm

"She didn't need to explain to him about the Pinterest KOTLC fandom. Especially since she wasn't telling him who Shannon Messenger was." NOT THE KOTLC PINTEREST FANDOM GOODBYE. ANON I'M WHEEZING. also i should tell him who shannon messenger is. i think it would be so funny

""It's my life, you know," Keefe snapped. "If you know all this random stuff about it that I don't, you should probably tell me."" actually it's sophie's life . . . why didn't i tell him that . . . and it's not his entire life it's just the things i hate with a passion :) hope this helps :)

"You sound like the Fork man when he's trying to convince Sophie she doesn't need to know who her parents are."" honestly? fair. i should tell him who shannon messenger is and watch his head explode. it would be funny

"Stria didn't like him very much, but she took that particular sore spot of his very seriously." well, clearly anon knows me decently well. this isn't helping the katie allegations

keefe: want to do this again sometime? also keefe, when he's forced to justify: ""I don't know. I hate talking to you. I hate the way this stupid essay trivializes things I genuinely struggle with."" like, sir???? that's not helping my confusion here. for what and why

wondering how you chose those two passages in particular right now. was there a reason or did you just decide to pick two at random?

""Okay then. Let's say I don't know you at all and nothing in this essay matters."" and then i walked out. the end. just kidding

NOT LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS I'M SCREAMING

""Why do you have a problem with everything I say?"" i don't, but i appreciate the unreliable narration. there are points (in everblaze, mostly) where keefe is genuinely funny

WAIT I JUST REALIZED. my rant is categorized by book. so keefe would be confused about seeing the titles, too, right? unless this canon has the rant not having the titles or something somehow

""Shannon really made you like this, huh? She did. She literally did. I mean, I'm actually not that surprised, but wow. Wow."" me when shannon writes keefe for real

""Oh no, me having my own personality. I can practically feel you burning with hatred."" not the problem. the problem is that his personality is a cringy dumpster fire :) hope this helps, keefe :)

"And for the same inexplicable reason Keefe wanted to see her again despite his fury, Stria agreed." hello i don't like how this is ending in a very unreliable narration implication way again, anon

MILKSHAKES!!!! WOO HOO!!!!

i'm hesitant to say katie is my top suspect anymore, but clearly whoever wrote this knows my brand of keefe haterism pretty well. but also isa, who's katie's best fandom friend, and at least one, possibly two, other anons think it's her. hmm. hmmmmmmm. i honestly have no idea who you could possibly be at this point, but. i guess we'll see . . . assuming you're planning on spilling the beans at some point

@myfairkatiecat tagging you again so you can either defend or implicate yourself, whichever one

the essay quoting was good :) you should keep doing it :)

[justanothersyscourse]

oh hi it’s -flower anon

I mostly was sending the asks in since I have moral OCD and the uncertainty and genuine horrible things I’ve seen very much conflict.

I’m only anti-endo due to the very, very cultish nature of a lot of it and have fallen for too many cults already.

(I was groomed into a online cannibalism gore cult at a very young age and still deal deal with the consequences of that, fell for way too many death cults, and almost was lost to way too many other hateful things)

so when the Moral OCD kicks in I trust it, it’s only lead me out of these bad situations.

I know my opinions are probably very uncommon, but too many cults and cultish mindsets I’ve fell for.

honest to god, I was at one point ready to kill myself because I thought overpopulation was real And those accelerationists got to me.

so for wholehearted honesty it’s too much for me, personally I believe fully in cultural and spiritual multiplicity.

But most endo/tulpa/willo spaces aren’t that, and that uncertainty of if- “is this person saying that ‘hey this is just a cultural and spiritual thing’ or is this person not any of those what are they I don’t wanna get into a covert cult again”

but as the current state of endo/willo/Tulsa spaces are, it’s so so cultish that it’s triggering me.

Everything sets off so many alarms in my brain that I trained myself to recognize,

so that’s why I was worrying and asking about it.

you’d too if you had fallen for so many dangerous cult stuff.

Too many death cults man, too many online death cults.

Hi flower ❤️ I hope you're doing okay. I've been sitting on this draft, debating if what I have to say would be helpful or damaging.

You came back, though, so I feel that I need to respond in some way... I'm going to be honest, I'm scared to make this post, this is a very polarized topic in the system community. But... maybe what I say can help someone.

I hope you'll read through to the end. No matter what, whether you disagree with me or not, I genuinely hope you're okay and that things get a bit easier for you. It probably doesn't help, but I know what you're feeling.

I have bad OCD myself. I'm lucky in that I don't struggle with that specific type anymore, but I feel for you 🫂

I'm also very sorry to hear about what you've been through ):

Before I talk, know that this response isn't to change your mind. My only goal is to try to help settle some of that stress.

I want you to feel less stressed by this entire thing. It's okay.

When I was still very heavily anti endo, I felt the exact same way. I'm not just saying that. I also run sysmedsaresexist, and I'm pretty sure I have posts calling the pro endo community "cult-ish" in nature. I probably did it a number of times. You're not alone in that view. I was worried that doctors were going to fall for it, that innocent people were getting dragged into believing they were systems, all of it. Been there, done that.

However, as I slowly moved from anti to critical, I realized BOTH sides display the EXACT same behaviors. The antis were just as bad, once I stepped back to look at it.

To the point that if you put the posts next to each other with identifying characteristics hidden, it could come from, and be about either side. Here's an example.

Either both sides are a cult, or cult is not an appropriate word to be using for syscourse.

It's the latter, I've learned over the years.

And once I got over myself and actually spoke with endo systems... I swear to you, I promise you, with every fiber of my being, that most of what you hear is fear mongering.

Most.

But the same can be said about anti endos. Endos are terrified of antis, but that's because they only hear other endos talking about their HORRIBLE experiences with antis. Some of it is true, most of it isn't, most is... more than a little bit exaggerated.

It just is. Endos think you, specifically you, flower anon, send death threats.

Do you? I'm willing to bet not, but you're lumped into that group whether you like it or not, whether it's true or not.

While syscourse can feel TERRIFYING, like life versus death (trust me, I know), I promise it's actually okay.

It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay.

The medical community is going to be okay. Your resources will be okay. The endos will be okay. The antis will be okay.

I am still actively involved in clinical circles, and I promise you, doctors know the difference between CDDs and plurality. Doctors ARE talking about endogenic systems, but try to give them a bit more credit.

Did you know that the multiple theory of self is as old as the ToSD? But it's a concept based in philosophy and the discussion of consciousness. These are two totally different things that are both valid. The issue is overlapping language. But if we're mad about "system" being shared, why aren't we more mad at IFS? Does "computer system" dehumanize CDD systems, too? That's dumb. No it doesn't.

Radqueers exist in every single community, and so do people who don't like radqueers. For every radqueer endo, there's another endo squinting hard at that and complaining to their friends. There are radqueer DID systems. They exist. It happens. It's like saying lesbians are bad because there's radfems and radqueers in that community, too. The intersection of multiplicity, sexuality and gender is VERY confusing, with more moving parts than you can count. Obviously there are going to be people with very wide and very narrow views about it.

(That said, I don't bother with radqueer stuff very much, I have NEVER participated in that discourse because I don't feel that I understand the nuance of it enough to have a fully informed view of it.

Wouldn't it be nice if more people could acknowledge that they don't understand things enough?

Anti endos, I'm looking at you)

Your ability to see cult tactics in things is something that has protected you, but that doesn't make it healthy. Do not try to overcome or change that part of you without the help of a specialist. That's not what I'm saying.

Seeing the world as dangerous, and signs of danger in the world, is what protects everyone, but for trauma affected people, this ability is broken. It's hyperactive. That's something that we all approach in therapy, eventually. You don't need to change right now, but one day you'll want to be able to see the good in things, and that takes so much more practice and guidance than you could imagine.

An easy way to start, though, is empathy and introspection-- not just into your self, but into your community. To recognize the double standards and be able to critically put aside those fears and concerns without someone else making the decision for you.

I can tell you that isolation is a major tactic used by cults, and it's the antis telling you to do that, isn't it? They say, don't even hear the other side out, I'll tell you what they're saying, and you can just believe me.

Isn't that what @number1-syscourse-blog was telling you to do? And it's only the pro side saying you can be friends with BOTH sides-- not just other pro endos, but telling you that it's okay to be friends with antis and pros. That it's healthy and good to surround yourself with differing opinions and form your own conclusions. I don't know if you can see the number of people telling number1 syscourse what a bad response that was. Not just me, SO MANY PEOPLE! They're all blocked and hidden now.

Because the full picture is a beautiful thing.

Making your own choices and drawing your own conclusions is a powerful thing.

And the picture is not as ugly or scary as number1 syscourse would have you believe.

My suggestion to you is to just... not talk syscourse with your friends. Just be friends. Talk about the dumbest shit and remember that you're both just human, trying to understand the world around you.

For fun, and to settle minds, let's go through, just to drive the point home. It's going under a cut, just in case, but be aware, I'm critically tearing apart both sides for being ridiculous.

Pros and antis, cult edition

Characteristics of a cult:

Absolute authoritarianism without accountability

Now, neither side has a leader, so to speak, but we can talk about how members of each community can say whatever they want without any accountability. We have people on both sides wishing death on the other, and no one is stepping in to say, "yo, wtf?" No, those posts are instead spread further by people reblogging their friends, because 🌈 brand loyalty 🌈 rather than any kind of critical thought.

Yes, both sides do this. No, that's not up for debate. It's happening. If you think it's not, you're either being willfully blind, or you've fallen into the isolation trap.

DNIs aren't shields against shitty behavior, just like free speech doesn't allow for hate speech, but people sure do love hiding behind DNIs. Like, they'll post a GOOD ask, with great points, and respond with a womp womp, can't you read my DNI, and it's like... maybe you should have read more than the first line, my dude. Free publicity for the other sides' ideals, because you literally can't be bothered to read anything.

Honesty, I think the block feature is the downfall of humanity. There are anti endo blogs posting misinformation on DID that can't be corrected because they've blocked everyone that knows more than them. I've tried to correct a lot of them, I'm blocked.

It's an echo chamber, much like how you view pro endo spaces.

Zero tolerance for criticism or questions

Come on, do I actually need to talk about this? See the DNI point again. Good asks with good points with a nonsense response because, OH GOD, anon dared to have a slightly different belief on something. Endo neutrals, people trying to ask questions and learn, aren't even allowed to interact with most blogs, even just for questions.

Lack of meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget

Another way that "cult" isn't an appropriate term, though we could talk about TPA here. I really, really don't like the TPA.

Unreasonable fears about the outside world that often involve evil conspiracies and persecutions

Hey, pot, meet kettle.

A belief that former followers are always wrong for leaving and there is never a legitimate reason for anyone else to leave

Hey, that's what happened to me when I left the anti side!

Abuse of members

Yeah, they abused me pretty bad for trying to correct misinformation on @antimisinfo's (an anti endo) post. People are constantly being ostracized and kicked out of their community for looking too hard at the other side. God forbid you hear them out, for curiosities sake.

Records, books, articles, or programs documenting the abuses of the leader or group

Not really?

Followers feeling they are never able to be “good enough”

Maybe if you squint?

A belief that the leader is right at all times

Who would the leader be? Science? Because science does support endos, and antis won't read a single word of it.

A belief that the leader is the exclusive means of knowing “truth” or giving validation

Again, if we call science the leader... but again, that only applies to antis.

The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s), and its members

I can see it, I guess. Mostly out of antis claiming the elite title for trauma.

The group has a polarized us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider society

Both sides have this problem.

The group teaches or implies that its supposedly exalted ends justify whatever means it deems necessary. This may result in members’ participating in behaviors or activities they would have considered reprehensible or unethical before they joined the group

Again, see the point about friends reblogging other friends wishing death on the other side.

The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and/or control members. Often, this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion. Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members.

This would be like saying you're betraying your side for talking to the other side. Huh. Kind of like what happened to you.

Just because the word cult CAN be applied to things doesn't mean it should be. Especially in syscourse, where one side has such a dark history with cult activity, it feels very... inappropriate to call pro/antis in syscourse a cult.

Really, it's just a bunch of people screaming that they're more right than the other side, and using fear mongering to make points that don't actually matter.

[kaeyachi]

Hey not going to lie, it's kinda reductive and insulting to say that signora would have healed from her traumas if she had a kid, even an adopted one. It falls into the idea that women are incomplete until they have and raise children, which reduces women into babymills at worst and biologically mandated to rear children at best. I know this is a fictional character, but real-world women are told time and time again that having kids will fix their problems, be it personal issues, relationship issues, or mental issues. Please have some sensitivity surrounding perpetuating bioessentialist concepts.

Right. Long response. Read the full thing if you guys can handle my opinion on this matter.

First off, anon, please be careful with your words. I understand your concerns, but your message enraged and hurt me unnecessarily when I saw this, especially with what I am still going thru with my personal life. Also, please know that my HC was not meant to be harmful in any way, shape, or form to IRL people. I usually ignore disagreements because people are entitled to their own opinion, but I felt the need to defend myself this time from you specifically. I will not be doing this again.

Kindly check the post thoroughly please. I mentioned it would make her "somewhat healed," not make her fully recover from her issues. There is clearly no such thing as a complete healing from trauma. There is no miracle cure involved at all. I'm not even saying Signora would turn 100% good after adopting a child. She could still demand the downfall of everything around her while having a child to care for. A child is not, and never will be, a fix-all. I do not subscribe to such a thought.

Additionally, I am fully aware of this problematic mindset against women. I am an AFAB southeast asian with a family pestering me to get married and produce whilst I continue to hide in my aroace closet, fearing the thought. At most, I have told my family that I do not need a child to feel fulfillment. This has led me to so many arguments throughout the years, so seeing your message was honestly like a punch to the face.

To demand sensitivity from me would have been fine had my goal been to say that women should be treated like cattle and/or caretakers, but in this specific topic, I think people should be allowed to yearn and heal thanks to children that come into their lives. Kaeya himself is a person under this trope with him admitting that Klee's innocent outlook on life helped him. Several other genshin characters also have experienced this specific trope. This trope does not imply that a child fixed their lives or that they are now reduced to caretakers. That being said, I think it is my turn to demand some self-awareness from you and to everyone else out there.

A fictional character is a thought- an idea- and does not have the same autonomy as a living being, so a headcanon for one SHOULD NOT harm those who do not want children or be treated as a baby machine or a nanny! I sure do hope that people here are capable of separating fiction from reality. With this mindset, people should also refrain from making headcanons like "this character is trans!" or "this character is clearly gay!" because these are harmful assumptions IRL too.

Additionally, to bring back the actual cause of your message- I actually read a voiceline that made me think Signora could POTENTIALLY benefit from adopting a child. This is where the idea came from:

Anon, if you, anyone else for that matter, are not happy with my response, kindly block me. I do not wish to see any response over this topic again. I am drawing the line right here and right now.

[lightlycareless]

Yo but nerdy incel gammer naoya x bimbo reader 🫦

Heya anon!

I'm sorry this took me far longer than anticipated 💀 I still remember I got this ask when I had a friend over and in the middle of the busiest season of the year lol

But I did not forget! I just had the plotline sitting there... waiting to be written by me lol.

And now, it's here :> I don't think I've ever written a bimbo or incel character in my life, so I beg you to go easy on me 😭 This is what I was able to write with my understanding of those terms 😂 (probably raised to like the nth power but hey, who doesn't like extreme methods 🥴) it's also somewhat long, it's either all or nothing anon!!! so thank you for waiting 🥺❤

anyways, here are the warnings: MINORS DNI. misogyny, objectification, mentions and slight depictions of sexual acts, as well as sexual implications (? I hope that's the right term). A tiny, blink and you miss it kind of fluff. Derogative name calling, but good name calling as well. Overall, Naoya is very... ugh. and Y/N is oblivious as ever 😭also if there's some typos, or weirdly constructed sentences... I'm sorry 🥺.

As always, reblogs, likes and comments are always appreciated ❤❤ Happy reading!

Naoya is on a mission—a stealthy one, evident by his dark sunglasses, dark hoodie, which he wore specifically to hide his distinctive bleached hair, and finally a scowl on his face that would let any onlooker know he was not to be disturbed under any circumstances.

Necessary measures so as to avoid being recognized. But what was the reason behind those safety procedures? Surely, a man of his wealth could afford to hire an assistant to do his errands if he was too… “busy” to do so himself.

But it wasn’t a question of being busy, pretentious, or even uninterested—it’s a matter of secrecy, his identity to remain a mystery; and all because he didn’t want to, or couldn’t be seen indulging in one of his favorite pastimes: gaming.

Thus, a circumstance that had to be dealt through him personally. 

So, with all safety steps in place, he makes way towards the nearest video game store closest to his work, conveniently (or more like unfortunately) located in one of the most frequented malls of the city, in hopes of getting his hands on a brand new copy of whatever popular long-awaited first person shooter came out that season.

He considers himself to be a highly determined and focused person when it comes to pursuing a goal by swiftly evading upcoming crowds of obnoxious shoppers, annoying bystanders that can’t take their business to the sides of the passageway to avoid hindering traffic flow, to finally enter the store and zero-in on looking for his desperately sought after game through the many shelves on the walls.

But the act drops immediately upon noticing a sweet and resonant smell of a perfume, likened to strawberries or cherries, he can’t decide which one, drowning all of his senses.

It’s enough to snap him out of his purposeful trance and send him into an angry mull of just who the fuck thought it was a good idea to spray the store with that awfully distracting smell.

He swirls his head onto the direction of the perpetrator, but just as he was about to silently judge them to death, he notices you.

No, stares at you, wide eyed and speechless upon connecting the dots.

Not only was your scent one to be remarkably notable, but your presence accompanied well the intensity of such perfume, as if that weren’t enough to set all eyes on you.

The first thing that everyone notices, and perhaps what catches him off guard the most, is your stupidly short, off-shoulder, long sleeved pink dress, barely ending just underneath the crease of your bottom. From there, the second most noticeable thing from your attire had to be your thigh high boots. One would think that you were perhaps trying to cover your legs without the actual use thighs, but that assumption would be soon discarded when noting your clothes to be essentially to be a second skin, successfully accentuating each and every one of your curves, leaving nothing to the imagination, and prompting him to dumbfoundedly wonder if you didn’t consider, even for the briefest of seconds, that perhaps this wasn’t the best outfit to go out with.

When he’s able to overcome his initial shock, Naoya proceeds to do what he always does when he finds himself noticing the presence of a woman: attack your presence in the confines in his mind.

First of all, why are you in a store like this? From the very moment he stepped inside he noticed the lack of women—aside from mothers accompanying their sons, much to his relief, for he never correlated one thing with the other, seemingly belonging to two widely different worlds.

It was set from the very start that videogames were supposed to be for male consumption, thus, there's no way you knew what was being sold there.

Did you perhaps think this was some kind of movie store, where you’d be able to find your idiotic romcoms or whatever it is that females watch? Most probably yes.

Secondly, if you somehow knew this was a video game store, it was so obvious that you weren’t here for your own merit. Nuh-uh, women didn’t play video games, without being terrible that is. Or maybe they do, but it’s solely to obtain attention from the other sex and—

Oh, that has to be the reason why you even attended such a place dressed up like that, didn't it? Why would you choose a perfume so striking and an eye-catching outfit, if it wasn’t to get as many eyes on you as you could get?

And you did. In fact, within seconds of silently announcing your arrival, the other shoppers couldn’t stop their glances from sticking onto you as you walked into the store, seemingly unaware of their glimpses and hushed whispers to one another, as you looked around for something to buy. 

«Nothing more than a attention-seeking bitch» Naoya mused as he went back to the shelves before him «As if I were to fall for something that’s clearly bait»

An outstanding contradiction, for as much as he wanted to put himself over the men that were undeniably ogling your figure, he was forcing himself to go back on his search to avoid idiotically looking at you. 

Because with all the berating words he silently attacked you with, he still had to admit that as dense and indecent as you were, you were incredibly attractive.

Another wall that would collapse when he catches your moving figure from the corner of his eye, instinctively making him turn his head towards your direction, breath hitching at his throat when he sees you bending downwards and… flashing him the sight of your white and pink striped panties that has him frigid with bewilderment.

His perverted mind immediately takes him down the three following paths: 

The remembrance of the stereotypical anime girl panties, with a rosy twist that, far from being classic, he can’t help but find intriguing. 

The slight twitch coming from his groin, which he had to control immediately by focusing on everything but you, so as to not look like an impressionable teenager watching porn for the first time—only to fail miserably.

And the notion that you really were oblivious. 

Maybe you were. Because it was apparent to innocent minds that you were only trying to get a better look at the games on the bottom shelf—it wasn’t your fault that your skirt creased upwards and flashed the people around you; but they wouldn’t complain either.

Eitherway, after everything was done and said, Naoya was officially hooked on your presence, because as soon as you leaned back and upwards to your full stature and made way to the employee on the cash register, his gaze followed each and every single one of your steps.

“Hi!” you cheerfully greeted the less-than-deservingly paid employee.

“Yeah?” The young man responds, his head turning from the endless paperwork before him and up to you—his indifferent facade of having to tend to another nameless customer falters for a second when finally noticing you. His eyes widen for a fraction, before going immediately back to his everyday stance when finally composing himself. 

“I have a question…” you say, a slight pout on your lips and a coy look in your eyes, almost as if you were ashamed to be bothering him with your concern, instead of the outfit you were wearing that day.

“Yeah?” He says, and Naoya, who has not removed his undetectable gaze (thanks to his shades) from you, is able to catch his not-so-subtle mocking tone. The young entrepreneur wonders if you noticed such connotations, but judging your cheerful response and your lifestyle, he doubts you to be capable of acknowledging social cues. 

“I was just wondering if you had this game!” you smile, pink manicured nails pointing to the small poster on the counter, the cover art of the newest game in season, coincidentally, the same one Naoya was looking for.

“Oh, that one?” The man taunts “I don’t know, it’s quite popular”

“I know!” You joshed “I was hoping to get one as soon as the store opened, but I had to do some errands first… hope I’m not too late”

“I’m sure you did” He murmurs, now glancing at the screen before him while typing a few words into the keyboard here and there, as if to give the impression that he was checking the availability of the game you wanted, when in reality, he was randomly clicking buttons around the system “Which one are you looking for, the green one or the blue one?”

“PC” You answer directly, and the man’s brows slightly furrow at your tone before going back to his sneerish ways.

“Uh… yeah, sorry miss, looks like we don’t have that one anymore” he shrugs, and Naoya blinks. He was sure to check online to avoid taking on a fruitless trip, there were many copies available due to the pre-order… had he underestimated the popularity of said release? “Should’ve pre-ordered it if you wanted it that badly”

“Aw… don’t tell me that” You sigh, deflating your shoulders and pursing your lips onto another pout. “Do you think you can tell me when you’ll be getting more?” you then plead, no—whine, puppy eyes included, to the man before you. “I really, really want this game…”

The cashier didn’t think that his “playful” actions would lead you into an imploring position, but he can’t say he’s not satisfied with seeing this submissive side of yours.

“Fine” The sight of your body pressed against the counter, gifting him the modest sight of your cleavage is what has him folding to your pleads “I’m not supposed to tell you, but due to high demand we’re getting another shipment overnight, come tomorrow for a copy”

“Oh, thank you so much!! You’re the best, thank you!!!” You grin, excitedly jumping on your axis due to your excitement, and gifting another sight for Naoya and this random employee to enjoy “I’ll be here tomorrow then! I actually have a nail appointment right now, since I don’t like this color anymore—look! It’s quite ugly, isn’t it? I want a brighter color!”

You show him your nails, and he, who isn’t getting paid enough to entertain customers… and isn’t interested in the mundane aspects of his life that don’t entail staring at your figure, just gives you a tight smile and a curt nod.

“I just wanted to see if I could get a copy before my appointment, that's all. See you tomorrow….uh…”

He tells you his name, and you give him another grin.

“Cute name!” You giggle “See you tomorrow then!”

And just as you entered the store, you disappeared. Leaving nothing more than your sweet scent to linger behind. Less than a second after that, everyone goes back to their previous behavior, aside from a few murmurs of disbelief and surprise, as if nothing happened.

Naoya, on the other hand, couldn’t help himself from following you with his eyes as you stepped out of the store back into the mall, but just as you were about to disappear from his sights, a small crowd of people suddenly intercepted you. 

The image is… confusing to him, to say the least—were they your friends? That would’ve explained their sense of familiarity, as well as your all too happy disposition to entertain them, but if so, why didn’t they accompany you?

He wanted to keep starting for a bit longer, at least until he was able to figure out what kind of relationship you had with this surrounding horde, until one of the people behind him snapped him back to reality thanks to the sound of someone clearing their throat, as to remind him he was hoarding a large part of a shelf, so either step aside or… or step aside.

Naoya briefly glances at the annoyed person behind him, before rolling his eyes and heading towards the same cashier that attended you, intent on confirming the words he’d told you.

“Are you out of copies for that game?” Naoya asks, gesturing to the same poster as you.

“This one?” The cashier refers to the large banner behind “Nah, we still have lots of copies, for what console do you need it?”

“Playstation…” Naoya caution, confusion slowly setting in his mind as the employee goes to the back of the store, eventually coming back with his copy. It’s then that he decides to confront him “I thought I heard you say you didn’t have any”

“Oh, that?” He says, scanning the box before placing it on the counter “I was just having a bit of fun, really. You don’t really believe she knew what she was looking for, do you? Probably a gift for her boyfriend or something”

At the mere notion of you having a boyfriend, something likened to disappointment stings Naoya’s core.

“Wouldn’t mind having her come around more often, though” the young man says to fill the silent void between the two. 

Naoya remained silent, but not impassive. Just as he paid his purchase, his mind began the mental work of what he could do with this new angle he hadn’t considered before.

Did this mean you’ll be coming back tomorrow?

Absolutely—you essentially promised this random guy that you’ll be coming back tomorrow, and if you really wanted that game, then you would. 

So, with the determination that your promise provided, he came back again the next day. Discreetly as he’d done the day before, silently awaiting your arrival just a few feet away from the store’s entrance: for the moment you’d grace his sight with your presence.

An hour passed, and you were nowhere to be seen. He’s dangerously close to finishing his break, and past the limit of cursing and berating his naiveness of believing that your ditzy self would actually keep up with a promise you made to a complete stranger.

Naoya is more than ready to head back to his work and forget all of this, until you finally make your entrance.

And with an even skimpier outfit than before—a pink v-neck crop top, a low waisted denim skirt, resting just beneath your belly button, and white boots. 

The way his mind is able to whip away from anger and into perverted intrigue is outstanding. When he was reprimanding himself for being a foolish time-waster, he was now wondering if you were wearing completely white panties, or perhaps blue stripes…? Naoya didn’t bother to think about your bra. It’s obvious you weren’t wearing one anyway, just as the day before, evident by the way your nipples poked through the fabric, so why waste energy thinking about that?

After a few seconds of indecent thoughts, Naoya makes his way towards the inside of the store, hoping to catch a better glance of you—all while putting up the act of an absorbed shopper, and not of a debauched young man.

You didn’t use much of your time to look around, much to Naoya’s dismay who hoped you’d gift him another peek of your panties, instead, you went straight to the cashier, which you excitedly greeted upon recognizing him to be the same from yesterday, followed by asking for the copy he promised to have today.

“Oh, sorry—sold out already” he says matter-of-factly, and your eyes widen.

“What??” you breathe “Oh, don’t tell me I was late again….”

“Yeah, sorry about that. I’ll be getting another shipment overnight, though. Why don’t you try tomorrow? I might be able to hold a copy for you”

“Oh, would you really do that?” You ask, eyes glistening with hope “Thank you sooooo much!! You’re really the nicest guy ever…”

And so, you leave.

Naoya wants to scream at the man for seemingly letting you go so easily—but he’s quick to remember that there are a few things that he can’t get away with, especially if they aren’t employees under his company, so instead, he swallows his resentment and leaves the store as well.

His eyes darted across the crowds, hoping to catch a glimpse of you and maybe… well, he wouldn’t consider it stalking if he was just seeing you at a distance, but all technicalities accounted for, he would be “observing” you for a bit.

However, you're nowhere to be found—not even the group that stopped you yesterday was there! You were essentially lost between the crowd, leaving behind yet again, your lingering scent and the flimsy promise of coming back the next day.

Tomorrow came by, to Naoya’s relieving expectation and personal satisfaction upon seeing another skimpy outfit on your body, but to your detriment, for you were received with the same excuse. 

I couldn’t hold the copy, I wasn’t sure if you were coming so I sold it. It’s what he said to you when approaching him. And yet, you didn’t say anything—you didn’t appear to be upset, if anything, you just took it, and came back tomorrow.

Once again, Naoya was there too.

Oh yeah… I told you that, didn’t I? Yeah, we didn’t get any more today. Maybe tomorrow!

Naoya couldn’t really care less about this guys toying intentions with you, however, he’s getting tired of this senseless chase. It was entertaining, sure, he had to admit that he was looking forward to the moment he’d see what kind of outfit you’d wear that day.

However, it was slowly becoming annoying how he had to go out every day, get covered up so no one from his family or business-ventures would catch him essentially hunting an indecent woman, and wait for you as if he were some kind of pet, when it should be the other way around.

And while that may be the primary reasoning of his newfound path, the other subconscious underlying argument was that he hated seeing you give this scumbag all of your attention—and quite stupidly so. A sensation that would’ve been described as anger, if not… jealousy.

No, it couldn’t be jealousy, of course not.

Naoya was never jealous. However, he was protective of things he thought were exclusively reserved for him. And just as it was as noted before, he was one to act firmly and directly when it pertained to something he wanted.

So, having had enough of your endless goose chase with this insignificant man, he decides to put an end to your misery by buying a copy and handing it to you personally, so you can finally set your sights on a man of higher caliber.

“Wait… you… you got this for me?” you faltered while carefully receiving the box from his hands, as if it were the most sacred item in the whole world and could break easily even by an unsuspecting gust of wind, before looking up to him in awe “I—I thought they were gone… How… Did you know I was looking for one?”

“Guess I’m just lucky. Although I’m not sure that’s the console you wanted” Naoya responds, feigning ignorance so as to not reveal he’d actually been stalking you for a while. 

“It’s perfect! You hit it right on the money!” you giggle, giving him a sweet smile that has Naoya growing a bit uncomfortable for the sudden tightness in his pants. 

He tries to distract himself by thinking how fortunate he was that you didn’t ask any more questions regarding his… mysterious assumptions.  But by the way you thankfully offer yourself to him, unknowingly inviting, he’s finding it to be an incredibly strenuous effort. 

“I… I don’t know what to say! Thank you so much!! I’ve been wanting to get this game forever now!! But now I can finally play it, my followers will be eternally grateful to you, kind stranger…” you swoon, and Naoya… Well, he remains speechless, but for another reason now.

“Followers?” Naoya skeptically repeats. He can’t help but judge by your attire that you’re most possibly inclined to have those kinds of followers, but if so, what kind of use would you have with a game of all things? Well, guess he’d just have to find out…

“Oh, right” You sheepishly chuckle as a subtle blush appears on your cheeks. “I’m a streamer! I broadcast whatever game I want to play that day, or what my followers tell me to”

“Streamer” Naoya says to himself, he never thought that this game was actually for you to consume. Guess he misjudged part of the female population. But at the same time, this revelation brings him a much needed lifeline without having to put much of his effort: somewhere to unadulteratedly watch you, and without having to worry who sees him in turn. “Where… Do you stream?”

“On twitch” you reveal “I used to have business cards but I ran out of them a while ago and the new ones haven’t arrived yet… Oh, I know! Do you have social media?”

“I… rarely use it” he responds honestly. His father told him to keep his personal image to the cleanest possible, if he didn’t want to ruin his chances of inheriting the company, that is. 

Didn’t stop him from doing what he wanted, of course, just led him to be more… discreet.

“Eh?! That's impossible! A handsome man like you must have at least an instagram! … Or a girlfriend” you whisper the last part, almost as if you were talking to yourself, but his focus on you allows him to intercept your words as if they were spoken to everyone in the vicinity, and it makes him feel… 

“I… don't” Naoya responds, but he doesn’t know which of your questions. 

Thinking back on it, he was to have a girlfriend—more like an arranged marriage with a daughter of some rich family, or something like that— but it never went through, the family deciding to back away out of nowhere. 

He thinks himself too young to be tied down to difficult commitments anyways, such as women tend to be, so the sudden change fit him well.

And even though it’s been a while since he’d seen her, he can’t help but compare you to that thwarted woman.

While you socially didn’t fit the eccentric criteria of the Zen’in men, far too lewd to fit the traditional values of an old money family like his, Naoya is not cut of the same fabric as them, not entirely anyways, and he knows it wouldn’t have taken much before he found himself seeking you, for his wife wouldn’t give you the entertainment you would undeniably prove him.

“Really? That’s quite a shame…” you wistfully sigh, and just like his answers, he doesn’t know which question you’re responding to. “Well, if you ever decide to open an account, you can find me like this”

You show him a screenshot of your social media handles, and Naoya, quickly, if not desperately, writes down your information.

“Thank you so much, um…” you say once he puts his phone away, pressing your lips together as the pink in your cheeks turns red.

“Naoya” he responds, admiring how a woman as shameless as you could still feel something likened to embarrassment. A delightful… and cute realization. 

“Y/N” You say back “It was nice meeting you, Naoya-kun”

It’s a simple, innocent gesture, the formality of two people becoming acquainted with each other. A straightforward social interaction, but for Naoya, this was nothing but the start of his demise.

From the moment he went back to his office and searched you up on all of your available social media, he started an addiction consisting of keeping up to date with all of your movements.

Whether this be through your instagram, he’s set up notifications to let him know whenever you posted something new, a post, a story, a livestream, it doesn't matter. And he cares even less about what he’s doing when he’s notified about this—he could be in the middle of a meeting with an important client, but if his phone vibrates, letting him know you posted something, he would unlock his phone and check.

And it's with the intricate of his obsession that he began to stalk you whenever he virtually could, and physically as well.

If you tagged yourself to be going somewhere, he’d pull whatever strings he had to pull to be near you. Silently, distantly watching you and your outfits that he’d continue to spend his time guessing just what kind of underwear you’d be wearing, perhaps even lingerie? When he wasn’t “admiring” your outfit, of course. His favorite instances during these outings were when you were alone, away from the small crowd of people he assumed to be your followers, seemingly doing the same as him by hounding you as some kind of piece of meat, to those that acted somewhat civil near you; your friends, which he found surprisingly normal compared to you.

But when you streamed… that’s when it was officially recognized that he had an addiction.

It wouldn’t take him long to figure out that just as how you acted in person, it was heightened x100 times online. It was a mystery as to why you haven’t been banned from the platform for dressing so scandalously, but even if you were, he would personally hunt down the CEO at his HQ to demand the reinstitution of your channel. He needed, wanted, desired to see you everywhere, anywhere.

But just as most addictions go, one day he just couldn’t fill his need.

Naoya didn’t like being pushed to the side, as his useless brothers had always been when it comes down to matters of the company, when he knew he was capable of achieving so much more.

And specially, he didn’t like how you were giving others—your followers, attention.

But he found it hard to approach you for some strange reason. There was something inside his mind that filled him with a sense of fear that had him believing that if he wasn’t careful enough, important enough, you’d disappear from his life.

He had to stand out, he had to get all of your attention on him, as to avoid sinking down into the forgetfulness of your memory, but above all, he needed to be reciprocated with the same toxicity he was giving you, or he'd fail to continue on existing.

So, like any rich man with spending issues his age would do, he started to spend large, ludicrous amounts of money to your persona: either through donations your streams, or by the wishlist link you posted in your description box, carefully selecting the outfits he’d thought would benefit you the most, before adding the entire list on his shopping cart and checking out.

He’d been a silent observer of yours since he began to follow you, but when you dedicated a stream solely to open the uncountable number of boxes that were delivered to your apartment one day, that’s when he finally stepped into your spotlight.

“Naoya… Naoya… it’s familiar to me but I can’t pinpoint where….” you say as you continue to carefully cut another box open, setting your cutter aside and revealing the contents to your followers, which, far from admiring the nice things you’ve gotten or relishing on the fact that someone was kind enough to buy them for you, couldn’t help but show their concern for this sudden big-spender of an admirer.

One even reminded you to be careful, but that message was soon drowned by the swarm of messages from the other side of your fandom that asked you to model the clothes you were showing off.

And you, too distracted by the nice and pretty things this mysterious Naoya guy got for you, remained completely oblivious to the other’s concerns.

“I swear, I had it on the tip of my tongue!” You frown, looking through the box to check there was nothing left behind.

Naoya knew that you wouldn’t read his message, at least not through the large stream of messages that seemed to push down whatever new comment managed to get past your moderators. So, he took it as his personal mission to talk to you via donations. That way, he could ensure you would read what he had to say, and set him aside from the lowly scum that seemed to follow you.

Thus, he sent you another donation of $5000 dollars, with the following words:

“From the store”

You lifted your eyes from the box and onto the screen. Carefully reading the message attached. Naoya felt an indescribable feel of realization upon seeing your smile widen and your eyes glistening with excitement on what seems the moment you finally remembered who he was.

“Oh! That Naoya!” you gasp “You’re the one that got me that game! Oh, how could I forget your kindness! Well, it has been a while since I saw you… so please don’t be too harsh on me”

The chat is quickly inundated with questions of who’s Naoya? And when did that happen?

“I thought I told you guys about him, but I didn’t say his name out of privacy, so it would make sense why you wouldn’t remember—well, that doesn't matter! I think we all owe him a thank you for all he’s given me!”

The chat box is once again inundated by comments of random followers thanking Naoya—a gesture that he paid little to no mind to, for he didn’t do that to get their recognition, at least not theirs. Your undivided attention is what he wanted, but if this is what it took to get there, he’ll take it.

Upon detecting motion on your side, Naoya’s eyes dart away from the messages and back to you, only to be received with a surprise that has his heart skipping a beat and his lungs emptied of air.

You’re closer to the camera, your body slightly leaning forward, enough to reveal the mounds of your breasts, before suggestively looking at the camera and cooing.

“Thank you, Na-o-ya-kun”

It’s so intoxicatingly sweet the way you unknowingly seem to murmur his name. Enrapturing him, and your thousands of followers, by the way look at the camera with those e/c bedroom eyes. Even the way you’re flaunting your body…, it’s almost as if…. As if you were seeing him on the other side of the screen. 

It’s all so personal, so… intimate, that he disconnects from reality at the moment, his mind only being able to focus on the now imprinted image of your body and sound of your voice, and the fiery need building up in his crotch.

He’s done it before. Touched himself at the sight of your image, but never during your streams. He thinks it’s… foul, dirty, and often prefers to do so in the privacy of his bedroom. But when he sees you acting so alluring, and just for him, it was the hook, line, and sinker he needed to chase his release. Even if it somehow manages to stain his keyboard, he doesn’t care, for all that he needs is you.

Naoya doesn’t even realize the moment you ended the stream, but when he does, it's past the third time (or was it fourth?) time he already came to your visage. Upon seeing the familiar offline banner, he thinks it’s time to turn off the computer and head to bed—not without checking the following post you always did when ending your streams, that is.

But just as he’s about to log off for the day, he receives a notification. 

A private message… from you.

[username]: Naoya? I hope I got your username right…

He doesn’t care that you didn’t even bother to check the name of your highest donor of the day or lifetime if he was being noisy about it. All that he can think of is that, after all of his efforts, you finally approached him!

[naoya]: Yeah, it’s me.

[username]: Yay! I’m so glad I got it right! …

Anyways, I just wanted to thank you personally for all that you’ve donated to my streams and… well, once again for the game you got me that one time! I was so tired of going to the mall everyday… you really were like some kind of guardian angel ❤

A guardian angel might be the wrong term—he’s more like a predator, and there’s not a step that he hasn’t meticulously calculated to lure you into his trap.

Which you were doing so easily, as expected from an easy prey like you.

[username]: I don’t know how I can ever repay your kindness, Naoya-kun, but I do think this will be a good head start ❤

Naoya intently stares at the chat box as the three dotted symbol, the one to indicate you to be writing, continues to flicker before him.

Anticipation rises from within him as seconds pass— He doesn’t know what to expect from your silence, perhaps an extensive bible to describe your feelings of appreciation? Women were… mushy like that.

His thoughts were immediately terminated upon seeing 6 files attached to the chat, pictures labeled for Naoya, with a suggestive subject “for you ❤” that hastily prompted him to download your archives as soon as they were safely scanned. 

When the photographs pop up on his screen, his heart skips a beat and his cock twitching  slightly back to life.

You are presenting yourself in a way that’s borderline explicit. And it’s now that he realizes that you are, truly, an oblivious vixen that doesn’t know the dangerous game you’re playing with him.

There was a recurring theme with all photographs, and that was your presence before a mirror, however, each and every portrayal was different: in one, you were sitting down in what seemed to be your bed, phone covering your face, wearing one of the outfits he got you from your wish list: a white skirt, a white crop top and some white bunny ears resting on top of your head.

With your barely distinguishable dainty look, this would’ve been nothing more than an innocent picture, had it not been from the pornographic demonstration you were doing with your delicately separated legs which allowed him to see you were wearing nothing underneath your attire.

He could almost see the intoxicating color from your pussy peeking through your lips, but alas, that wasn’t meant to be… yet.

The next picture had effectively sprung against the painful constraints of his pants: it was of much less sensuality, but inciting nonetheless. You were once again covering your face, this time however, you were far more… assertive when it comes to your posing. Wanting to show off your newest light pink lingerie… you adjusted your body to highlight all of your delicious curves to him… alongside the subtle “peek” of your nipples.

His heart was beating out of his chest when he went through all of the photos, with a grin parting his lips when he came to the dawning conclusion that you were giving him a sample of your body, a tease of what’s his, to ignite his continued interest in you. 

«It seems I might have underestimated you, Y/N…»  he says as his mind produces just all of the nasty things he would do to your body if he only had you underneath him… «But if you want more from me, you’d have to do better than that»

As much as he feels the burning desire to snatch you away from the public eye and keep you locked away just for his use, he knows that’s not the right thing to do for now.

Naobito has taught him many times that part of being a successful man is to know how to play their cards correctly, only to relax once victory is assured and undeniably under his court.

To not be brash and impatient, if he is to see the fruits of his efforts.

So, with great effort, he pushes his lustful desire for you deep inside his essence and sets the next trap.

[naoya]: I didn’t do any of these things for that—although I must admit that you look very cute in all of the outfits.

He’d modestly say, as if he hadn’t furiously jerked off to your pictures seconds prior and subsequently planned his ownership over you.

[username]: Oh no! I didn’t mean to offend you… did you not like them?

[naoya]: Far from that, I liked them greatly, but I was hoping for something else.

[username]: I’ll do anything that you want.

He smiles, he can’t wait for you to say those words in a different context.

[naoya]: How about we go out, get something to eat? 

[username]: Would you really do that for me? I don’t want to abuse your generosity…

[naoya]: I don’t think a beauty like you could ever do that…

[username]: Naoya-kun… you’re too kind to me! And I barely even know you… are you sure this is ok?

The way you described him, act hesitant towards him… it was all energy that if you’d bothered to know him on a more personal level, would never dare to use on him. 

But you don’t need to know that, not right now anyways. Not when he still had to secure the catch.

[naoya]: Set the date and I’ll pick you up. And don’t worry your pretty little head about it. I’m actually… excited to see you. 

[username]: Ah! You’re too smooth for me!! Are you sure you don’t have a girlfriend?! But if it’s no problem… See you the day after tomorrow?

[naoya]: See you then, Y/N..

And so, 2 days pass, and you see him on what turned out to be the first of many “dates” you’d begin to have with Naoya. 

The first place that he would take you, in efforts to impress you and seal your interest in him, was a small restaurant located on the wealthy side of the city, a place known to be prestigious for the likes of him, yet secretive. 

Emphasis on the last word, the main reason why he took you there: You didn’t really fit with what many socialite’s would consider… adequate, more so due to the attire you’ve decided to wear that way—A hot pink mini skirt, with a slit on your left side, and a white long sleeved off-shoulder top, which Naoya quickly noted to be your favorite style. 

Luckily there was no dress code required at the restaurant… not that they would dare kick the Zen’in heir out, but still… 

Either way, as much as he wanted to get in your pants, he didn’t want to be seen attempting to, so he requested to be seated in the most distant part of the restaurant.

Luckily for him, you didn’t question his decision when he ordered the server to place the two of you in a private booth—far too enthralled by the fancy aesthetic of a place you never been before, and never thought you would, to even care.

You felt like a fish out of water, intimidated by this new aura that seemed to provoke a sense of departure from you, but Naoya’s striking golden eyes and handsome smile managed to keep you by his side, as well as the distracting ice-breakers he used to get you to open up to him and become comfortable around him.

Not that he really cared about your personal background, but if he wanted to play the part of listening and caring friend, and see if he had to deal with any loose ends once he finally made you his, he had to commit.

And you obliged, revealing to have a family of living parents which were still married, an older brother who studied accounting, an older sister who studied engineering, both having successful and thriving careers, and… you. The younger sister.

“Do they agree… with your lifestyle?” He has the sudden urge to ask, which makes him immediately regret not being able to control his words, however, his worries escape through a subtle sigh when he hears you respond nonchalantly.

“Oh, I don’t live with them. And it’s been a while since I last saw them, or had contact with them, I guess they’re just too busy to do so!” You giggle, completely oblivious to the information you just disclosed.

«Why am I not surprised?» Naoya silently snickers. If he had to fill the blanks, he assumed that you were kicked out of the house for acting like the whore you are. He had no evidence, but no doubts either. «I have to commend them, really. They unknowingly set you on my path… But don’t worry, I’ll take you under my wing. And who knows? Maybe I'll be able to mold you into a woman they’ll be finally proud of»

“What about you, Naoya-kun? What’s your family like?” You’d ask, and he frowned.

You didn’t need to know of his highly prestigious background, or the wealth that he owned.

Why did you need to know anyways? So you could attempt to suck out money, more than he’s already given you, from him? No, you don’t need to know that—you had no need for that; if you wanted to suck off something it would be his cock, not his family’s riches.

But even then, it doesn’t bother him that much, because he knows because he knows that you’d take whatever it is that he gives you, like the sleazy obedient girl you’re beginning to promise him. So he just gives you the following poor excuse of an answer.

“I don’t like talking about work, baby, it’s stressful and boring most of the time and I don’t want to ruin my time with you bringing that up”

And just as how he expected, you ended up falling for his charm—no, more than falling for him—completely succumbing to his act, evident by the way you pressed your body against him and reached over to softly kiss his cheek, redness in your face as you sheepishly murmured:.

“I’m sorry, Naoya-kun. I didn’t mean to upset you…” you say, resting your head against his shoulder as you inched as close as possible to him and wrapped his arm against your body.

The way he’s able to feel your breasts has him tense and hot in his seat, speechless as you ignorantly continue on with the conversation “We don’t have to talk about that if you don’t want to! How about… what’s your favorite meal from here? Or what do you like to do as a hobby?”

He swears he can feel himself falling in love with your idiocy. He didn’t have to do much to have you folding to his misdirection. If he keeps on this path, it wouldn’t take long before he could claim you as his and finally have fun. 

In fact, he thinks he might need to do less than that, because why else would act that way, if deep inside, you weren’t expecting the same?

That had been his popular belief, until one day, after going out on a date and subsequently bringing you back to your apartment,  he realized he miscalculated your lascivious behavior.

It was after a silent ride back home, late at night, but his mind was anything but quiet. 

The two had gone out to get a few drinks that night, with Naoya hoping to soften you enough to finally get what he wants from you, and you… well, wanting nothing more than to spend more time with the man you eventually labeled as your knight in shining armor.

You had taken perhaps a bit too much to drink to even notice the way Naoya’s gaze was basically eating you from head to toe. And he couldn’t wait for the moment he’d stop the car and finally claim you as his—he initially planned on having you in a more secluded, comfortable area for maximum enjoyment, but the way your body was unknowingly inciting him, by either rubbing against him, even “unintentionally” brushing your ass against his crotch while dancing, he guessed he could take a raincheck on that idea.

When he finally arrives at your familiar apartment complex, he’s quick to turn off the engine, unfasten his seatbelt and lunge himself over you, clashing his hungry lips against yours in such a hurried way that you’re unable to do anything else but whimper against his mouth out of surprise by the sudden action, before melting against his touch.

You moan, indulging in the lustfulness Naoya’s desperation once apparent when he coveted your lips, pulling you as close as possible to him as he continued to devour your mouth. 

It’s almost as if he wanted to imprint your taste in his tongue, giving you little to no space to breathe, no energy to react, aside from whimpers and moans when his lust became too much for you to handle.

Subduing completely when it was time for his thumbs to imprint your figure on them, roaming each and every curve he could get his hands on, areas you never thought were capable of bringing you goosebumps, less jolts of pleasure.

However, as much as Naoya confidently declared his enjoyment of this advancement, you were still struggling to receive his affections as openly as you were supposed to. 

Your mind was struggling to come to a conclusion, for everything happened so suddenly.

A few seconds ago you were looking forward to getting back home, changing into something more comfortable and maybe asking Naoya to stay and watch some movies, but before you were even able to process your arrival, he’d attacked your lips.

To say that you didn’t feel… good for his desire would be a blatant lie, which made this whole ordeal even more difficult.

It was obvious that he wanted you, why else would he do all the nice things he did with you? Yet, it was also obvious what he wanted to do with you, becoming clearer and clearer by the second as he continued to attack your lips, and now, the waistband of your skirt.

However, your indecision would come to a screeching halt when his hands landed on your breasts, groping and pinching the sensitiveness of your mounds, which caused you to gather all of your strength onto your arms and push him away.

His sudden departure is one that goes undetected by Naoya at the first instance, believing it to be nothing more than a reflection of your overwhelmed senses and is quick to attempt to latch back to your body, but when you repeat the same gesture and with a startled face no less, he’s finally able to recognize this as anything but an incident, subsequently discarding any leniency he had towards your initial lapse and look down at you with irrefutable indignation.

“What the fuck?” are the first words that flow past his lips, and this, being the first time you’ve seen his anger, you don't know how to react outside of shyness and regret.

“I’m… I’m sorry, Naoya-kun” you begin to murmur, looking down to your lap “I… well… I—”

“What?” he scowls “Look up to me Y/N.” he orders, and you, hoping to lessen the gravity of your actions, do as requested “What the fuck was that about?!

“I… I don’t know” you confess “I just… I was just startled, that’s all”

“Startled” He repeats mockingly. Naoya wishes to bring the explicit pictures you’ve sent him throughout the duration of this… arrangement, as evidence of your quiet compliance, but he also desires to know what your stupid mind fashioned as a justification to your action, so, he goes down another path. “Did you not expect this to happen one day or the other?”

You remain quiet, unsure what to respond.

“Answer me, Y/N!”

“That’s not… That’s not what I meant” You cry, shaking your head as tears now begin to form in the corner of your eyes. Naoya had never been this… intimidating to you before, but even with this short demonstration, you’re able to say that you never wished to see this ever again. “I just… I just don’t want to ruin what we have”

“What we have…. And what is that, hm?” he sneers, finding your responses to be more and more laughable by the second.

“...I feel like… if we go too fast… you… might not want to see me anymore”

“Huh?” Naoya is, once again, baffled by your seemingly stupid conclusions. Or perhaps you caught on to his intentions? “What are you even talking about”

Silence envelops the two, a crushing stillness that has you feeling more and more hopeless before him and his penetrating gaze.

You wished things would’ve proceeded differently, happening in a much more… wholesome way, as you always imagined your first love to be. 

But you console yourself by remembering that all relationships had rocky moments, and all of them were different. Maybe yours was to have one from the very beginning. 

Whatever the outcome, there’s no denying that you’d been dying to tell him something for a very long time, in fact, you feel it slowly fighting its way out from your heart and onto your throat at this very moment..

And while his actions were a bit unexpected… there was no other way to perceive them than reciprocated feelings, and subsequently, the right moment to tell what you’ve been aching to confess to him….

“I really like you, Naoya” you declare, through ruby-red cheeks and flickering gazes between your trembling fingers and his golden eyes, silently fighting with two sides of your emotions: fear of rejection… and suspense for acceptance. “I’ve… I’ve known for a while now, and there’s nothing more than I would like to be with you! I always look forward to spending time with you, going out with you, and… obviously doing these things too… But… I want to take it slow… because I don’t want to mess it up. I don’t want you to think I wanted something else from you”

Naoya’s eyes widened, and the anger he felt for your unwanted disruption was quickly replaced with surprise.

Did you… did you just… confess your feelings for him?

Oh.

Oh, he doesn’t know what to say, how to react—outside of the sweet relief of accomplishment.

This was way better than he imagined things turning out to be!

Had it been any other woman under this situation, she would’ve pulled out the stops and exited the car, especially after the slightly degrading way he spoke to you just now, and he would’ve naturally set his eyes on a new endeavor, not bothering to mend something unsalvageable.

But that’s not what happened, at all. If anything, you essentially revealed yourself to be captured by his ambitions. 

Not only that, but to be deeply infatuated with him!

These observations bask him with nothing more than a perverted variation of fulfillment a narcissistic person often gets when efficiently manipulating others. The signs of your compliance, even through your slight offense and his disrespect, gave him the understanding that you’ve handed yourself to him to be exploited.

Sure, still somewhat far from what his ultimate goal is, but there’s always something good to rescue out of the bad.

The pieces were finally falling into place and it could literally not have been any more perfect.

“Oh… Y/N” Naoya would eventually respond after a few seconds of silence. His tone is low, soothing, and his face sorrowful, as if attempting to show his regret and pain for having treated you the way he did. “I didn’t mean to scare you, princess…”

You don’t respond, outside a slight pout on your lips and your watery eyes looking up to him.

“Truth to be told… I also have feelings for you. And how couldn’t I? Whenever we go out I have the best time of my life… I did this because I thought you liked me too… but I guess I misinterpreted our relationship”

“Naoya—!”

“It’s ok, I understand. I shouldn’t have acted the way I did... We can just act like this didn’t happen at all and move on, or… stop talking to each other completely”

“No! That’s not what I want!” You gasp, guilt starting to settle in your heart, a sign of Naoya’s manipulation taking a hold of your conscience. “I was… well, startled. It’s my first time feeling this way… so I didn’t know how to react. But I really do like you! I like you a lot! And I want to continue seeing you… if you let me”

“I like you too, Y/N” Naoya murmurs, softly rubbing his thumb against your cheek, wiping away a tear, an endearing distraction to hide the devious intent behind his following actions. “But I’m too hurt by the way you reacted to think about anything else right now”

“Naoya… please don’t say that! I’m very sorry!” you plead as another wave of tears falls down your cheeks “Please don’t be sad… There's nothing more I want than to see you happy! ...Is there…. Is there something I can do to make you feel better?”

Naoya fights as hard as he can to push back a smirk from parting his lips.

“There is something” he threads, slowly, carefully, like a predator ready to pound its prey. “But… I don’t know, it’s stupid—nevermind”

“No, it’s not! It’s not stupid…. Please…. tell me” you whine “please”

“I was just… wondering. As long as something isn’t touched, it means it’s fine with being seen, right? Just like in the museums”

“I… guess that makes sense” you agree, tilting your head to the side as you struggle to understand how that correlates with making him feel better. “But what do you mean?”

It’s painfully obvious that he’s setting you up, but your naïve mind prohibits you from perceiving danger from your beloved Naoya. Making you an even easier target for his immoral desires.

“Your tits”

“W-what?” you blink, perplexed.

“Show me your tits” He repeats, as if it was the most natural, obvious thing to tie in with his analogy, certainly so after a slight argument. “As long as I don’t touch you, it should be fine, right? That way, we can both be happy—I’ll get what I want, and I’ll respect your limits”

“Oh… I don’t know, Naoya… it’s so… sudden”

“Ah, I should’ve known.” he laments, looking away from you. “It was something stupid after all”

“It’s not stupid…”

“No, it is. Forget about it, I shouldn’t have asked you that” he sighs “... I just assumed that… well, since you already send me pictures, you know, the ones where you always look so pretty, I thought it wouldn’t be that much of an issue to ask my girlfriend to do the same but in person”

You were no stranger to generous rain of compliments when you performed rather amicably or dressed up nicely, always seeming to relish on the attention to make you feel appreciated and loved.

But when they came from Naoya, a person you’ve grown to cherish and admire, it gave you a dosage of recognition you never received before. It’s why you were so eager to comply to his requests, whether to go out with him and let him decide each and every location of this outing, taking no consideration to your preferences, stopping a stream simply because he wants to play with you privately, or ultimately changing your schedule to fit his, much to your followers discontent… These were just small sacrifices for him to be happy and perhaps take your relationship to the next step.

You never thought it capable to like Naoya any more than you already did, but you were earnestly proven wrong when he implicitly declared the formalization of his courtship with you.

The apex of your longings makes your heart soar, and just like you’ve always done, obliging to his request.

“Close your eyes” it’s what you tell him, and for the first time in his life, Naoya obeys orders that do not come from him without questioning.

Without seconds to waste, you carefully hook your fingers underneath your top and lift it, stopping just by the beginning of your collar bone and keeping it there as you muster the courage to lay bare before your now boyfriend.

You take a deep breath, swallow your nerves and proceed:

“Open your eyes”

No amount of pictures, or imagination, could ever compare to the reality before him: the pair of soft breasts that he’d been dreaming about for weeks now, were finally revealed to him. And much better than he could’ve ever thought so.

He’d always been one to judge women’s bodies, whether it being an addition or subtraction of something so they would fit his impossible criteria.

But with you, he finds himself admitting that there’s nothing to change—although he wouldn't mind taking a physical test to remove all doubt.

Your breasts were of a perfect size, enough to benevolently fit in his hands. Your nipples, the ones that you’d incessantly tease him with whenever posing for selfies, were protruding just slightly thanks to the cold atmosphere inside the car, which caused him no concern if you wanted the heater to be turned on—if anything, he was grateful you’ve decided to not wear a bra for the day, prompting him to make a mental note on you to eradicate the undergarment from your closet all together.

Naoya wished to defile them in all ways imaginable—mark them as his own, fill them with hickeys, bites, use them as de-stress toys after a long day of work, prohibit you from ever wearing something to cover them from his eyes whenever present, and who knows? If he persists long enough, he just might force something out of them—whatever it took for your little mind to understand these weren’t yours anymore, but his. 

It was highly paradoxical how timidly you were behaving a few minutes ago, even more laughable to see that all that he needed to do was guilt trip you to still get a piece of what he wanted.

The longer he observes you, the stronger the desire inside him to caress you becomes, to the point where he’s no longer able to keep his side of the bargain, and like second nature, his hand begins to approach your skin.

But before he’s able to brush your warmth, you playfully smack his hand away, snapping him out of his trance and looking up to your flushed face.

“You said no touching” you remind him with a giggle, before a shiver bolts through your spine “...I’m cold” 

“Right” Naoya addressed, now observing how you pull your top back in its place before rubbing your arms with your palms. In a way, he was glad that your voice was able to put a stop to this madness he felt slowly growing in the constraints of his pants, because if you didn’t… he didn’t know what he would’ve done. He tested your limits just enough, he knows how to be patient.

“...Did you… like it?” You ask to fill the awkward silence between the two.

“Of course I did, baby. I knew my good girl could never disappoint me”

At the usage of good girl, a nickname you’ve never been graced with before, and the soft smile decorating his handsome face, your heart skips a beat. You seem to be surprised over and over again on just how much you’re able to love Naoya, a realization that prompts you to gift him a sweet smile of your own as you reach to intertwine his fingers with yours.

“I had fun” You say, your thumb softly rubbing his knuckles as you reflect on tonight’s date “I always do whenever we go out”

“That’s good to hear. I also enjoy the time we spend together” Naoya responds with a statement that’s surprisingly genuine coming from him “Let’s get you back to the apartment before it gets too cold”

You nod, and he gets out of the car first. You stay inside, waiting for him to go around and open your door. 

This wasn’t a common agreement, at least not at the beginning; the first time you exited the car without his help he seemed to get pretty upset about it, reminding you that it was his duty as a man to do so. His dedication to chivalry on the subsequent days is what perhaps led you to believe you felt something more than just friendship for him.

Naoya then guides through the apartment complex and onto the metal door you recognized as home.

It was a decent place, your boyfriend noted, not too shabby—with a few adjustments here and there to be done, but nothing urgent. It went well with your income… although he could get you something much better, but for that you’d have to be more than just eye candy.

He watches you put the pin code of your lock, opening the door and stepping inside the apartment. Once he considers you to be safe, he bids you farewell.

But just before he’s able to leave, you tug him by the hand, moving him to just a few inches away from him and pulling him by the collar down to your level, and then, you place your lips onto his for a kiss. 

It lasted for only a few seconds, and it was nothing if not sweet and soft. Your rendition of a farewell, to pour your feelings onto it and remind him just how much you care for him.

And most importantly, your first kiss as boyfriend and girlfriend.

“Goodnight, Naoya” you whisper once you pull away from his face, eyes flickering from a black space next to him and back to his eyes. “I…—Thank you… for… everything. For all the gifts you’ve given me, the places you’ve taken me… and most importantly, for being patient with me. I really am the luckiest girl in the planet for having someone like you”

You peck him on the lips once more and with that, you turn around and vanish into the safety of your home.

Naoya is left behind to deal with the aftermath of today’s successions. He wouldn’t say that it was something he expected, but certainly it’s not something he would complain about.

This could’ve really turned out for the worst, but fate wasn’t to go against those that work hard, just like Naoya had done. Even with this slight delay.

If anything, your sweet kisses were the signal that he was looking for to indicate him he was going down the right path.

He just has to keep watering you, like a flower, and it wouldn’t take long before you finally bear fruits. 

And that’s what it seemed to occur from that day forward.

With the limit of your sexuality already reached, Naoya was able to kick things up a notch: he’d begun to demand far more explicit things from you, things that would literally get you banned from any social media if you even dared to post them. There was no more coy playing, no more teasing: he wanted the absolute exposure of your body for him to indulge in. 

He’d order you to spread the lips of your pussy so he could see the cute color of your insides, showing him the rim of your tight little ass, asking you if you’ve ever touched yourself there, to which you’d deny in embarrassment, for how could he ever assume you’d do something like that! To straight up send him recordings of how you’d play with yourself, if you hypothetically did such a thing.

All things that you obliged without questioning, because there was nothing to be ashamed of, after all, wasn’t he your boyfriend? He was just preparing you for the moment this would eventually happen, so you wouldn’t be too squirmish when he was finally ravishing you.

And his greatest achievement yet, he even managed to convince you to do certain things when you were before him, without the obstacle of a screen between the two. The epitome of his influence would be the day he got you to rub his cock, with the pretense of getting familiar with what would basically be inside you, so as to lessen your tension.

You complied to everything, although shyly, and with hesitance that could be compared to inexperience. But Naoya didn’t care, that was something that could be easily fixable, all that you needed to do was let him guide you and you’d soon be a natural—you already had the theoretical part of what it takes to be a whore thanks to your streaming career, you just needed to nail the practical part with him.

But as close as he felt as he was, he couldn’t be any further away from his goal.

It was only a matter of time before Naoya began to realize that no matter how many gifts he gave you, how many dates he took you to, or how many times he’s tried to convince you that he wants more than just simple touches here and there… you were not succumbing to his needs.

He’d unknowingly bumped into a dead end, and he began to grow desperate.

He’s never had to struggle so much with a woman before—he never had to, his good looks, prestige, and money often did the job. He just had to flaunt it to whatever catch he wanted to obtain and that was it.

But you… you’re fighting back against him. 

You’re confusing, you’re flirtatious with him when online, but when the two of you are together, it is as if you’re a completely different person. Often pulling out the excuse that you want to take things slow with him, that you’re afraid of ruining whatever relationship the two of you have going on, or that you’re too inexperienced and want to feel a bit more confident before going all the way.

He was only willing to play the game of patient, kind, and loving boyfriend without getting anything in return for so long.

His patience was inching dangerously close to its limit, but it wasn’t until one late night after an unfortunate losing streak from his favorite video game that he would begin to lean towards detonation. 

“Oh… um… looks like we lost again” you say as the defeat banner flashes across your screen. This had been, yet again, another loss to add to the countless list of defeats of the day. You were bummed, disappointed. Believing to have all the advantage to win, but as the system marked, it was not to be your fate.

However, these setbacks hold little to no space in your mind, not when you’ve long accepted these are things that happen regularly when playing online. Besides, you were playing alongside Naoya, and you wouldn’t let this minor inconvenience sour the time you were having with him!

“But I still think we did pretty good!” you’d say, attempting to lighten up the mood upon noticing his silence. You might’ve been a bit more easy going when it came to accepting defeat, but Naoya, always the competitive one, had a harder time doing so. Luckily for him, you were there to balance his anguish with your liveliness, just as you hoped by suggesting the following. “Wanna play another match? Or maybe we can take a brea—”

“This is fucking bullshit!” Naoya’s voice suddenly thundered through your headphones, cutting through your words and silencing you subsequently.

It’s not uncommon for Naoya to curse whenever he’s feeling unlucky, so you don’t react much to it. Gaming was one of his few escapades after all, and he lives a rather stressful life thanks to his job (or so you presume, he doesn’t tell you much), so you allow him to do whatever he needs to do to vent out his frustrations.

However, his rage has never extended onto the physical realm, and when the sound you assumed to be his hands slamming against the keyboard became apparent through your speakers, you decided it was necessary to intervene.

“Naoya-kun… hey, it’s ok—” you’d begin, only to be interrupted once more.

“There’s no fucking way we lost!”

“Babe… it happens! Sometimes you’ll get paired with a team of a higher rank, especially after a winning streak, but that’s alright! I’m sure we can win the next one, and if you want, I can bring one of my friends to he—”

“I don’t think the other team was the problem” He suddenly says, grabbing your attention almost immediately upon implying something that went against your common belief. “In fact, I don’t think they’re the problem at all”

“What do you mean?” you cautioned, mind scattering to find a justification behind his wording.

This is only the third day you’ve played this game —which he coincidentally pre-ordered for you just so the two could play together— so it would make sense as to why Naoya would consider you as the reason for this loss, however, this is nothing different from other games from the same genre, if not from a different dynamic here and there.

So, to think you’ve actually cost your team the victory was something you still had trouble accepting completely. “I… still think we did good”

Nonetheless, Naoya’s words were never direct, an ulterior motive always underlying, but your rose-tinted glasses never allowed you to detect such fallacy from your beloved partner. Which would ultimately be your demise.

“God, you’re so stupid, aren’t you?” Naoya accused, having stopped listening to your soothing words from the very moment you opened your mouth. “It’s so clearly obvious and you just can’t fucking see it”

“See… it?” you faltered, feeling even more confused than before “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about, Naoya-kun… our stats are pretty good, I mean, maybe I could’ve focused a bit more when we—”

“Unbelievable, you’re always like this” Naoya mocks, finding your naïve mind to be… incredulous, as he’d always have “It’s always the fucking same, you’re too dumb, too distracted to notice what is going on around you. Why am I even wasting my time with you?”

“Then tell me” you say, trying to fight against the pain his stinging words bring to you—they feel like needles against your heart, but you think of them as him trying to get out his frustration for a long night of defeats, nothing more, nothing less. “Tell me so I won’t do it again”

And he was, in a way. But the percentage relating to his anger before the game was minuscule when it came to the general frustration he’d been carrying towards you for the last few days, and your inability to give him what he wanted. This was nothing more than a cover for his true feelings, which, thanks to your urgency to please him, would finally come undone and plunge him into losing all of his inhibitions.

“Hah! I really do have to spell it out, don’t I? I give you money, I give you food, I give you clothes, and still, you can’t think anything with that stupid little brain of yours, can you?” he’d begin to rant, disclosing the inner thoughts he’d always had when around you.

“I know you’re angry, Naoya-kun, but you don’t have to say that…” to say that you were agonizing due to his words would be an understatement, but even with the pain he’s merciless inflicting on you, you still find it in you to defend his excuses under the basis that he was just angry and that deep inside him, he loved you.

Oh… if only that were true.

“Oh, really? Then how do you want me to say it to you? By ordering you to open your legs and show me? Because that’s the only thing you’re good at—no, not even that!” He laughs “You won’t even do that! Because you’re too afraid, too scared to do something that might ruin what we have” 

He’d said mockingly, using what you trusted him with against you. A clear tactic of a narcissistic, someone that can’t see beyond their own nose. 

This unexpected side of Naoya has you bewildered, disoriented, that you didn’t even notice when you’ve began crying, only that your cheeks were already soaked.

“Stop it, Naoya! You’re being rude!”

“Ah, of course, because when I’m not giving you attention and money, I’m being rude”

“That’s not what I said!” you cried. “I’ve—I’ve never said that! Never!”

“I’m wasting my time with you” He repeats, a sentence that plummets down onto you like a bucket of ice cold water. “I’m giving you all that you want, and yet, you don’t give me what I want, because you apparently want to take things slow—but you're not slow when you’re being a whore to your followers!”

“Naoya!” You bawled “Why—why are you even saying this? It was just a game! We can still play again and win another match! You—you don’t have to get all this angry and ugly with me—!”

“I’m done with you” He says coldly “I’m done spending my fucking time and money with you. I should’ve seen this coming the moment I set eyes on you. Whores like you are only for a good time, but you’re not even good for that”

…

…

…

“...Is that what you think of me?” you manage to ask through a constrained throat. It’s a miracle that you were even able to speak a whole sentence without crying or stammering.

But it was all for naught.

And when time passes, and all that you could hear from Naoya was the occasional exhale from his nose—too consumed by his anger, alongside the sensation that there is nothing more to say— you hang up the call, exit the lobby, and log off.

Naoya somehow manages to go to bed that night: not without repercussions of course.

He’s angered and frustrated when his head hits the pillow. But not because of his actions towards you, no, if anything, he thinks what he did was a long overdue reality check.  

He was upset because all of his efforts officially concluded in fruitless results. For a man as successful as he’d always been, this was a rather unwanted turn of events. He never had to struggle this much to obtain what he wanted, it had always been a matter of just asking and he’d receive it. 

But you, a simple woman with nothing more than air in her head, proved to be more of an annoyance than he ever thought you would be. 

You were promising at first. There was something that pulled his attention to you whenever he found himself with free time to think. 

Yet, that had been a grave miscalculation on his part. Thus, could you blame him for being frustrated? It was only natural that after pouring so much effort, gifts, attention, money onto you, you’d give him something back.

And yet, you didn’t. 

It’s why he allowed himself to last out the way he did. That, and because Naoya knew that you’d be running back to him after your insignificant emotional charade was over. 

After all, he essentially ensured his place in your life after becoming the sole income of your commodities. You were dumb, but not that dumb. And you wouldn’t risk losing all that just by running away, would you?

So, he’s able to go to sleep and move on with his life when the sun rises the next morning.

Taking into consideration his train of thought, the first thing that he does once completely awake is check his phone if there’s any notifications from your part. He doesn’t keep his phone connected to the wi-fi throughout the night under the excuse of not wanting to receive messages from work—if it was urgent, then they’ll have to wait until he’s at the office.

Something that you knew perfectly, which led you to message him directly to his personal number first thing in the morning. A short good morning! Text which came either before you went to bed after a long stream, or when waking up…

He glances at the “messages” app in hopes of finding a red circle on its corner. It’s there, but...

There’s nothing from your section.

There are no new messages from you. The only ones filling his inbox are those of his brothers demanding an explanation regarding his bank statement which had suddenly been plagued with incalculable expenses from a few weeks ago to now.

The answer was obvious, everything pertains to you, but he’s not one to tell them things that aren’t his business so he limits himself to rolls his eyes and deletes their messages before moving onto your social media.

If you haven't messaged him there, he was sure he’d find you to be active on your instagram. It was your most active social media, the place you’d spent most of your time, right after twitch, under the pretense of wanting to share a bit of your personal to your large following. He considered it to be… redundant, nothing more than to show off. But as the businessman as he was, he had to commend your commitment to keep them hooked on your “brand”

Naoya once attempted to get you to stop posting all together, so as to keep you solely for his eyes, but you denied his request, citing that “you couldn’t defraud your faithful followers!”

Noting this to be a senseless battle, he lets it go.

So, he rightfully assumes that you were already posting shit about being hurt and betrayed and whatnot, all in an attempt to obtain pity from them, because he’d be damned if he decides to allow it from himself.

But… he’s wrong.

There’s nothing new coming from your side. No new story, no new post, not even a livestream—nothing but complete radio silence.

He wants to admit that this is somewhat concerning considering how active you are throughout the day, but his pride is all too powerful to even let him feel anything else but anger, tricking him into believing that this is nothing more than a cry for attention for your followers, or more specifically, him.

So, he closes the app, gets ready, and moves on with his day. 

He goes to work as if nothing happened, finishing up some projects that his family has been pestering him about for the past few weeks, a timeline that he could’ve easily spent focusing on his job instead of you, but for someone as talented as him, it was only a matter of focusing for a few hours to get done with all of them.

It’s during his lunch break that he finally decides to check his phone for traces of your presence. Naoya expects you to have already messaged him, probably hungry trying to get a free meal out of him—only to be surprised that you remained quiet. There isn’t an update to be found anywhere from your social media, not even directly to him.

You were essentially off the grid for well above 12 hours and he… he can’t help but start to feel worried. But his concern doesn’t flood him until you missed your scheduled stream for the day and the subsequent ones.

Your followers were also aware of your sudden silence, but their assumptions are not confirmed until you went a whole week without posting anything. It’s only then that they decide to flood your posts with comments to reflect their concern, and hopefully… an answer to this agonizing mystery.

It’s rare for you to miss so many streams like this, I hope you’re ok, Y/N-chan 🙁

What happened?? Are you sick or something? I was looking forward to tonight's stream! It’s the only day I get to see you!

Maybe she forgot about it??

Nah, that’s impossible, she never does that, not without telling us anyways.

Did she get hacked maybe?

Don’t think so, all of her things are still here. If she were hacked, she would’ve started posting some crypto shit.

Did she go missing?? Can someone ask any of her friends if she’s ok??

It was only a matter of time she would ditch us after getting all that money from us. She scammed us 🙄

Scam?? Are you an idiot??? She’s giving us free content, the least you could do is support her! Besides, this is very rare coming from her…  Something must be going on; if you don’t have anything to say, then don’t say anything at all.

She could be in danger for all we know… should we call the authorities?

The last comment makes something daunting resonate inside Naoya—agitation strikes his chest as he plunges for his phone and types your number. 

He… he doesn’t think you’d actually do something just because you were upset with him… right? But there’s nothing wrong in making sure either! 

But what if you did? What if you did do something because of what—

For the first time in his life, he finds himself indecisive when it comes to you, sinking deeper and deeper into his despair when the phone continues to ring and you are yet to pick up.

At least you haven’t blocked him, he attempts to console himself, or discarded your phone because either option would’ve sent him straight voicemail or the warning messaging of a disconnected number.

Alternatives that did nothing to ease his concern, worsening when each attempt continued to give him the same results.

His apprehension is eating him alive, and by each passing day, each passing hour, he can’t stop thinking about you, that is, until he finally concludes that he needs to know if you’re alive, or that at least still living in the same city, or he won’t be able to live anymore.

A newfound determination Which leads him to muster up all his courage and make way to your apartment once and for all.

He jumps out of the car as soon as the engine is turned off, not caring if he locked the doors or if he parked in the right spot—the neighbors could call a tow truck, or rob him for all he cared for. All that he wanted to do was see you again.

Naoya runs towards your apartment complex, skipping through the steps until he arrives at your recognizable door, frantically ringing your doorbell to urge whoever’s on the other side of the door to attend to him. 

His heart is beating painfully against his chest, ears ringing as nobody seems to answer his call—a dark premonition becoming a reality.

Did you really leave? Did his words really hurt you that much, that you decided to just leave everything behind and disconnect from the world? No. That couldn’t be—you wouldn’t dare leave him without saying a word! He… he gave you everything you ever wanted, how could you let a few words he only meant at the heat of the moment change what the two of you had? What you felt for him?! It didn’t matter, if that was the case, then the only thing he had left to do was to find you. Bring you back to him even if it means going to the end of the world to do so.

His family had connections all across the country, he was sure he could set some kind of bounty on you to find your whereabouts, and once you’re back with him, he would never—

“Coming!” A voice comes from the other door. It’s soft, distant, but carried an urgency as if the owner had been busy prior to their visit and was now rushing to tend to the door. It’s enough to quiet his rambling mind, at least for a few seconds. Unfortunately, his body continued to tremble with uneasiness, more so when quick footsteps were now heard within the vicinity.

The lock clicks open, and the door slowly slides to the outside.

Naoya’s blurry gaze falls onto the figure before him, releasing a heavy breath once he realizes who it is.

It’s you.

Naoya feels both elated and relieved to see you still living in the same apartment, and seemingly safe and sound, but you don’t hold the same sentiment, in fact, your intrigued face is quick to change into one of anger once you realize it’s your ex-boyfriend visiting you, and in accordance to your feelings, you’re quick to reach out for the door knob and slam the door shut on his face, that is, if he hadn’t been fast enough to see your reaction coming from a mile away and put his foot between the door and the frame, trapping you into confront him.

“Wait!” He huffs, placing his fingers on the edge of the door (while silently hoping you wouldn’t crush them) and pulls it back “Don’t—Don’t close the door on me!”

“Leave me alone!” you cry back, tugging and pulling at the door as hard as you can, almost as if you were intending to crush his fingers, or foot, or maybe even both. But having the upper hand when it comes to strength, Naoya is finally able to pull the door away from your grasp, forcing you to react with a quick gasp. “I—I said leave me alone! Why are you even here?!!”

“Isn’t it obvious?!” He cries back, pushing his way into your apartment. “I wanted to see you!” 

“And what for, huh?! Why—Why would you even want to see a stupid woman like me?!” 

Naoya is hit with a slight wave of regret upon being on the receiving end of his mistreatment. It has his conscience vacillating for a quick second before latching back to reality and refocusing on you.

“I just want to talk” He frowned “You were basically gone for a few days, don’t you think that’d be concerning for anyone?!”

“Why would it?” you breathe “You said I was nothing more than a whore—no, less than that! Why—why would anyone care—care about someone as worthless as me?!”

“Because you’re not worthless to me” Naoya blurts, and now it’s your turn to waver. It’s like whiplash after the last conversation you had with him—a sensation that naturally has you doubting his words.

“That’s not what you—”

“Yes! I know what I said!” He groans out of frustration, the harsh tone of his voice makes you flinch and take a step away from him. Naoya quickly notices your jolted eyes, and in fear of pushing you into another vanishing spiral, his eyes soften. “Just— please, I want to talk”

Whether to hurry this whole ordeal to an end, or because you never expected him to come seeking you… you allow him to stay.  

Naoya would’ve never assumed something happened to you by the looks of your apartment—it looked cleaned, organized, and decorated with things he recognized to be part of your hobbies.

An easy expectation to have, for he’d never visited your apartment in the short time he was dating you.

Had he been there before, he would’ve noticed that the cups were no longer in their respective cupboard, or that you have been eating nothing more than what you considered comfort food, an unhealthy lifestyle to reflect your unhealthy thoughts—but even if he became aware of that, you doubted he would’ve even cared.

However, your… “casual” attire stepped in where your home failed to do so. You were wearing nothing more than a light blue fleece tracksuit, a makeup-free face and a hairstyle that implied your need to stay inside the house, caring less if you looked good or not, you just wanted to be comfortable… and alone.

And if none of these things helped him understand your feelings, the somber look in your eyes, nothing but a shadow of the joyful glint they would usually carry, would.

Guilt sinks deeper inside his core as you proceed to close the door behind him, making your way back to one of the couches in your small living room and sitting as far away as possible from him.

By the way you refused to speak to him, not even to show common courtesy and offer him a glass of water, Naoya soon realizes it’s your method of telling him to start the conversation. After all, he’s the one that wanted to talk, no? Why shouldn’t he be the one to do so?

He’d been in situations where he’s the one leading conversations, through different and tense meetings that often entailed important deals that could either make or break his company and the legacy of his family.

In other words, Naoya is no stranger to stress and public speaking.

However, none of those nerve-wracking moments could compare to what he’s feeling now: he would’ve never imagined that talking to a woman, of all things, could have him shaking like a leaf.

But you weren’t any woman— you were the one he’d been fancying for a while now, invested so much time, so much energy… as well as gravely wronged.

All things that he’s never had the fortune of encountering before, but he wasn’t raised to cower away from the face of uncertainty, and just like his father taught him, he decides to approach the situation with the obvious.

“You… you’ve been gone” He begins, tensely looking at you as he debates whether to sit by your side or remain on his spot “And you’ve been avoiding me too”

“I needed a break” is all that you say, perhaps to deflect facing the truth. However, both knew this was nothing more than a fallacy and it wouldn’t take long before he calls it out.

“That’s bullshit!” He argued, a bit too loud for your liking, and you frown. Upon seeing your scrunched face, he’s washed over by another wave of guilt and retracts his words. “I mean… that’s not true. You never go absent on social media”

“What do you want me to say, Naoya?”

“The truth, for a start”

“If you’re going to act like that, you can leave my apartment—” you say, intending to push yourself up from the sofa, but Naoya walks over to your spot before you can do as much as lift an inch away from the furniture, followed by sitting by your side to keep you there.

“Fine, fine!” He breathes, holding your arm “I was worried, ok? You didn’t even answer my calls”

“I didn’t think you would care—I mean, who would care for a less-than-a-whore person like me? And don’t touch me!” you tug your arm away from him. 

“I didn’t think you’d overrea—”

“Shut it, Naoya!” you scolded “Is this—Is this all that you came here to do? Make fun of my feelings?! You—you hurt me!! I didn’t want to take your words at heart, thinking it to be nothing more than your anger speaking but when you started calling me those awful names…. that’s when I knew everything was a lie”

“What do you mean by a lie?” He counters “I gave you all you ever wanted, didn’t I?!”

“That’s not even the point! And even if it was… I—I thought you did it because you liked me. Me! Not…. not the person I was before the camera or in my social media, but because you wanted me. But… you don’t like me, do you? You don’t like me at all” 

Naoya blinks “How did you even get to that conclusion? We basically spent all of our free time together!”

“Because you don’t tell me anything about you! About your family, about your work. You don’t let me visit you at your office, you don’t want to go to public places, you haven’t even introduced me to your friends! It’s like you’re ashamed of me!” you sobbed, hiding your face with your hands to avoid embarrassing yourself before him any further “You made me feel ashamed of myself, that I—I thought maybe I… I shouldn’t even bother being here”

“What?” Naoya sputters, inching closer to you and grabbing your wrist in hopes of pulling them away from your face, but all that you do is turn away from him. “You can’t possibly be serious—”

“Am I lying?!” you shriek “Do you not avoid the topic whenever I ask you about your job, or your family, or when I tell you about places we could go, but you just shut them down because it’s too frequented?!”

“Now it’s a problem if I want to go somewhere private?!”

“Just admit that you don’t want to be seen in the public with me! That you’re ashamed of being with a whore like me! Why—why did you even stick around for so long if you don’t even like me?!”

If he was to answer that question, it would be an easy, direct “I just wanted to fuck you” explanation.

However… his conscience can’t seem to formulate that thought at the moment, because the reality was that… he no longer felt like that towards you.

In fact, he didn’t feel like that for you for a long time. now.

What initially started as just another “high-maintenance” hook up, nothing more of a relationship of benefit slowly became… something else.

Truth to be told, he was in complete agony the days you were absent in his life. He tried to focus on his job, get projects done, hold meetings, interview new candidates… but he couldn't. His mind always found himself back on your silent social media, or your non-responsive messaging chat, the vacancy of your cheerful good morning! That would greet him before anyone else.

The congratulatory cheer when he’d occasionally confide in you of a job well done after a long day at work, or the euphoric glint in your eye whenever you opened one of his gifts, followed by a hug and kiss on the cheek as a thank you before showing it off to your followers.

The silly videos you'd send him thinking they would make him laugh, or the long gaming sessions you’d give him, and only him, even when you have a large following that would literally do anything to be in the same room as you…

Or how you’d remember the little mundane details of his hobbies by gifting him items relating to such details, such as the newest manga book from whatever series he was currently reading, or a shirt that you saw one day at the mall and thought would fit him nicely.

Attention that none of the other women had bothered to give him, at least not as heart warming and genuine as you’ve done. 

They might’ve been appreciative of what he’d done, but it was clear that there were no intentions of appreciating him as a person. As Naoya, and not the heir of a rich company.

But you didn’t. He felt seen with you and…

And he didn’t know what he had until he’d lost it. When his hot headedness led him to discard you and subsequently, to the prospect of never seeing you again.

It’s now, found in your warm presence after so many cold absences, and in the reflections of all that you’ve done to him, that he realizes that you’ve always given him what he wanted and that he’s unequivocally fallen in love with you.

“I see” you murmur upon noticing his silence and… taking it as an affirmation to your painful suspicions “...please, leave me alone. And don’t look for me, I won’t be staying here any longer”

Naoya can’t move.

“What do you mean by that?”

“I have things to pack” you say as you stand up “I would appreciate it if you left me to do what I need to do”

He can’t believe your words. Or more like, he doesn’t want to believe them.

His worst fear, a life without you, is just moments away from becoming true. You had… had decided you no longer wanted him to be in your life—you were more than ready to toss him away, and… leave, never to see him again.

And that—that hurt him.

Is this how you felt when he told you all those things?

Oh… how could he ever do this to you?

He—he can’t let this end that way. He can’t let you go, not… not like this.

So, just as you were walking away, presumably heading back to your bedroom, Naoya jumped up from the sofa and ran towards you. You yelp as he pulls you by the arm and into his chest, quick to wrap his arms around you as he holds you as tight as he can without hurting you.

You thrashed and pushed him as hard as you could, wanting nothing more than to be away from the man that broke your heart in a million, irreparable pieces and never see him again.

But he can’t let you go, not until you hear what he was now absolutely sure of.

“I don’t like you” Naoya says, and you believe your heart to crumple once more, that is until… “I love you”

“W—what?” you gasp the only words that could escape your lips in this moment of incredulity.

“You heard me” he remarked “I… love you, Y/N”

“Don’t lie to me! I can’t—I can’t deal with more pain… please”

“You’re none of those mean words I told you” he continues on “I was angry, misguided for what I thought you wanted from me, what I thought I wanted from you, but these days without you have been nothing more than pure agony”

“Then why… why would you call me that?” you whispered against his shirt, quieting down your attack against him. “Why would you push me away?”

Because he was afraid you weren’t as interested in him as he was in you.

A materialistic world was all that Naoya has ever known in his life—give people what they want, and you’d be getting what you wanted.

But it seemed that no matter what he did, you just… never seemed to completely give yourself to him, almost as if you were holding off because… because you didn’t want him.

“I got… jealous… and scared” is what he’s willing to admit “I get jealous when I see you get all that attention… I just… I just think that maybe—”

“I might look at someone else?”

Naoya doesn’t respond, and you take his silence as a positive answer.

“Oh… Naoya….” you finally look up to him, soft eyes landing on his watery ones. “I would never, you know I would never”

He doesn’t want to respond, too ashamed to have believed you capable of pain, when all you’ve given him was happiness.

“It… also hurt me to be away from you… because… because I—I love you too”

Naoya freezes. It was now his moment to doubt his ears.

“Do you… do you mean that?”

“Of course I do” you smile with a sniffle “I thought I told you before but I’ll tell you again—I’ve never felt the way I do with you with anyone else. With you… I feel loved, safe. And there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than with you… so it pains me to hear that you’d think I would ever leave you”

“I'm just worried… you have a large following that seem to adore you”

“Well, that’s my job” You remind him “And… It's how we met… If I didn’t stream video games, we would've never met at that store… and subsequently, I would’ve never fallen in love with you. But… if it’s something that you don’t like… I can’t stop it all together”

“Would you do that for me?” Naoya asks, surprised by your sudden suggestion.

“...I didn’t like being away from you” you admit, pressing your cheek against his chest and listening to the soothing sound of his heartbeat. “You’re the only one that… has ever treated me like this. How you do… as nicely, lovingly as you do”

“...does this mean you won’t leave?” Naoya asks, and you shake your head.

“... I wasn’t planning on doing so permanently… I just wanted to try something differently”

“And your followers?”

“I… can arrange something. I know they’re not going to take it well but… I’m sure they’ll get over it” you grin “But I’m not sure how I’m going to pay for this apartment if I’m not working anymore”

“Come live with me”

“Wh—What?”

“... I can get something just for the two of us, away from our family” Naoya explains “The reason why I kept you away is because they’re not known for being very… friendly. If I told you just the amount of shit they get me into because they’re jealous of me”

“You don’t have to tell me anymore” You chuckle. “I believe you”

“Well, we should get back to packing your things if you want to move to my apartment”

“Now?!” You gasp “But I can’t leave if I have a lease!”

“Leave that to me, I’m sure your landlord wouldn’t mind getting an extra for your release”

“Oh, Naoya… I… I don’t know how I can ever repay you for all of this!”

“You can start… by doing my lunch” he sheepishly suggests, and the way your face lightens up has his heart fluttering.

“Does that mean…?”

“On certain occasions, there are days I have to go out”

You don’t let him say anything else as you pepper him with kisses all over his face. A gesture that Naoya takes with great pleasure as he reciprocates it with kisses of his own.

And so, this seals your acceptance of his apology. Followed by packing your things, changing your clothes, and leaving the apartment as soon as you were ready to go into his car and face your new life alongside him.

And how couldn’t you? He’s kind, loving, attentive, the kind of person anyone would want as a partner. He even looked for you to recognize he had messed up. 

It might also help that he’s the heir of a prestigious company, but you don’t think that influenced much when it came to forgiving him. 

Had you known he came from an important family, you would’ve treated him differently. You would’ve never set eyes on him after seeing him in a social event. You would’ve never approached him at the mall one Friday afternoon, under the pretense of looking for a physical copy of the newest release once you figured out he liked video games, or venerated him in the way you knew men of his kind often enjoyed to rope him into your claws, play coyly around him to get him to obsess over you, convince him that you love him and you could never imagine a life without him, and subsequently ensure a lifestyle of comfort for the rest of your days.

No, you could never do that.

After all, you’re nothing more than an oblivious woman, incapable of ever harming anyone, just as Naoya believed you to be :) 

[snek-eyes]

Hello! I'm the anon who sent the two meta messages, I love your take on the matter and I'd love to hear what you have to say about the second message with Azi vs Sitis.

I think Crowley doesn't treat people any different than he treats Azi, but I think the difference is once he knows the angel can be trusted he lets himself get attached to him. Crowley is linely and human lives are fleeting so being attached only causes hurt but with Aziraphale, someone who's immortal and part of his "species" he lets himself get attached and I think that's the difference 🤔

Hey there Anon, welcome back! I definitely want to follow that up, so let's go!

the cool, rather uncaring demeanour Crowley has with Sitis is the same he first has with Aziraphale when he “kills” the goats and when he tells him he longs to destroy Job’s blameless children. Until he realizes Aziraphale isn’t on Heaven’s side with this.

The reason why I say that Crowley's cool attitude with Sitis and Job is different from how he acts with Aziraphale is for two reasons:

First of all his overall attitude with the humans, he's sort of pitying them. They're seeing this side of God for the first time; Crowley may not be all that gentle about trying to open their eyes, but he's not as in-your-face about it; it's not actually his goal here. With Aziraphale, Crowley's comments feel more pointed. The last time they saw each other was at the flood, and Crowley's still not happy about that.

(gifs by me)

More to the point I'm about to make, how Crowley acts with Aziraphale is all in direct response to what Aziraphale has just said about Crowley in each scene. Job and Sitis don't emotionally unsettle Crowley, he isn't reacting to that. With Aziraphale, Crowley is specifically trying to get under the angel's skin... Because Aziraphale got under his.

Crowley's goal in the scene with Sitis and Job starts and ends as getting them to tell him where the kids are so he can get the job done.

Crowley's goal in the scenes with Aziraphale becomes provoking Aziraphale.

I'm going to lay out the scenes with some color coding under the cut.

I'll explain what the colors mean afterwards. Lifted from flameraven's transcripts, with slight edits.

AZIRAPHALE: Stay your hand, Demon! Despised tool of Satan, in the name of Almighty God! Avaunt! Oh… It's you! Dear me. Haven't seen you since… the flood?

CRAWLEY: Ah, yeah. Mm-hmm.

AZIRAPHALE: Well, sorry about this.

CRAWLEY: No, of course.

AZIRAPHALE: [sighs] Oh God. Where was I?

CRAWLEY: "Avaunt".

AZIRAPHALE: Yes, yes. Avaunt, foul demon! In the name of the Almighty, I command thee, BEGONE!

CRAWLEY: No.

AZIRAPHALE: No?

CRAWLEY: No, thank you? See, I have a permit.

AZIRAPHALE: A permit? From whom?

CRAWLEY: From God.

AZIRAPHALE: Oh… You see, it's not that I mind jokes.

CRAWLEY: Oh no, no, no, no, no. No, no jokes. These goats belong to Job, right?

AZIRAPHALE: Yes, Job. Who is, I might add, a particular favorite of God, so…

CRAWLEY: [unrolls a comically long scroll] Shall I summarize? Satan and his diabolical ministers [waves and smiles] may destroy everything Job owns, no questions asked. Hugs and kisses, God.

AZIRAPHALE: No! This can't be real! Job is a… good and… righteous man. I mean, he really is an absolute poppet.

CRAWLEY: Well, I am a demon. Maybe I'm lying. Tell you what, let's find out. [blasts all the goats with fireballs] Seems legit to me!

__________

AZIRAPHALE: Crawley... You don't have to destroy Job's children.

CRAWLEY: Last time we met you seemed pretty confident I couldn't destroy Job's goats.

AZIRAPHALE: Yes, I was wrong. Technically you can, but--

CRAWLEY: Oh, then technically I will.

AZIRAPHALE: But you don't have to! That's the point. Surely the great thing about being a demon is you can do whatever you want.

CRAWLEY: Mm, you sound jealous, angel.

AZIRAPHALE: Certainly not. I get to do what God wants.

CRAWLEY: Like killing innocent children to win a bet with Satan?

AZIRAPHALE: I… I don't think… that is what God wants.

CRAWLEY: Well…

AZIRAPHALE: And I don't think you want it either.

CRAWLEY: What do you know about what I want?

AZIRAPHALE: I know you.

CRAWLEY: You do not know me.

AZIRAPHALE: I know the angel you were.

CRAWLEY: The angel you knew is not me.

AZIRAPHALE: Then… Then you tell me that you want to do this. You look me in the eye and tell me.

CRAWLEY: [takes off glasses] I want to. I long to destroy the blameless children of blameless Job, just as I destroyed his blameless goats.

AZIRAPHALE: Then God forgive you.

CRAWLEY: [watches the angel walk away]

__________

AZIRAPHALE: I bring a WARNING! Satan has sent a demon to destroy you! Tonight!

ENNON: Don't be silly. He wouldn't dare.

CRAWLEY: I'm sorry, Satan? Satan wouldn't dare?

...

JEMIMAH: [to Crawley] You're a funny looking angel.

CRAWLEY: Aren't I just? [winks]

JEMIMAH: Are you a demon?

CRAWLEY: Oh, she's good.

AZIRAPHALE: Ah… Yes. He is, in fact, technically a demon...

CRAWLEY: Spot on! [in an over-the-top demonic monster voice] Sent here to destroy you all! Ready? [sets the room on fire]

AZIRAPHALE: But… you said you wouldn't!

CRAWLEY: I'm a demon! I lied!

KEZIAH: Can't you save us?

AZIRAPHALE: I'm afraid not. He has a permit, you see. But… be not afraid. You're perfectly safe.

CRAWLEY: [throws more fire] Are you sure, Angel?

AZIRAPHALE: Yes. Quite sure.

_____

You've probably caught on by now, but here are the colors:

Red: Aziraphale's "demons are evil tools of Satan's will" rhetoric

Green: Aziraphale's disconnect that Crowley is somehow Good anyway

Blue: Aziraphale's "God is right and just" rhetoric

Pink: Crowley's "I'm an evil demon" schtick

Purple: Crowley's reminders of God's actions

Orange: Actual Crowley. Not really on Hell's side, definitely not on Heaven's. (And, actually rather lonely, and would, deep down, like it if someone actually knew him.)

The angel is acting friendly and supposedly putting a lot of trust in Crowley, but Crowley doesn't trust it. Notice all the "technically"s.

The pattern becomes most obvious by the third time. Crowley puts on his big show as a direct response to Aziraphale's own:

and cuts him off with it right after he tries to "technically" him out of being a demon again.

So Crowley pulls out all the stops. No technicalities about it angel, no pretending. You're going to look me in the eye this time and acknowledge that I'm a demon. What will you do then?

Remember this is (as far as we've seen) the second time that Crowley's called him "angel." It's not the nickname it'll become yet; he's goading him with the title, putting a separation between them by not calling him Aziraphale like he did at the flood. It's as much a reminder as it was with "You sound jealous, angel." You, an angel, are really going to trust a demon?

But Aziraphale looks him in the eye at his demonic worst, and doesn't flinch. Maybe the angel's not ready to be on Crowley's side against God, but here in the moment it counts, Aziraphale will put his trust in this demon.

And Crowley accepts that. Accepts Aziraphale where he is.

I just connected the dots on this conclusion as I got here (which is part of what makes writing meta so fun to me). But: I believe for Crowley, these three flashbacks are about getting Aziraphale to accept the shades of grey between their respective "sides." And this moment is the first time Aziraphale does so decisively.

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey so i've seen you helping other anons and i thought i'd say something even tho it's not really a big problem

so i'm transmasc but my parents just think i'm non-binary and that i use they/them. i know they'll probably be accepting but when i did come out to them as transmasc at one point my dad was sort of weird about it, called it an inconvenience and stuff, so i went back into the closet and now i only use he/him at school with a note on my student profile not to use he/him when talking to my parents

the other day we did presentations in my ela class and me and my partner did really well so my ela teacher emailed my parents to say so. she used exclusively he/him in the email and my mom asked me about and i panicked and said that every teacher uses different pronouns for me and that i just don't correct them anymore (tbf, this is sort of true)

i want to tell my ela teacher that she sort of outed me so it doesn't happen again but i don't know how to politely especially since it didn't really cause that much of a problem and idk what to do so i thought i'd ask for outside input

thanks :)

Hi!

As a teacher, PLEASE TALK TO YOUR TEACHER.

This was a mistake your teacher made, and it's important not to let it go! Here's the thing- I'm sure the teacher made an oversight, right? But depending on the student, this could have been an actually dangerous thing to do. Luckily, nothing bad happened, but next time, a student might not be so lucky.

I would find a time to talk to your teacher when you aren't in front of a class and ask her to please use they/them when contacting your parents. Be firm but kind.

Remember, if she seems to feel guilty, it's NOT your fault for reminding her of your needs. And if she's mean about it, then please report her.

And a GOOD teacher will be so thankful that you said something, because the goal as a teacher is to do what's best for the students- which is to respect your needs!

So yeah please talk to her <3

I'll name you....presentation anon.

(Ps. Congrats on the presentation!)

[spacecolonie]

Hello! Do you have any advice with painting? Every time I start I end up just doing lineart with colours underneath, and when I do kindles art it looks kind of like plastic. Am I supposed to merge the two layers and then start shading? What would you recommend?

Hey anon!! I actually do have some advice for that!! I'll shove it under a cut because it got way longer than I thought it would, sorry for the infodump everyone _(:3 」∠)_

quick tl;dr: painting process should consider both personal taste & the desired aesthetic of a painting, & to avoid plastic-y colours, make sure your hues vary within your values (and layer modes are ur friend) ♥

there's a million ways to start paintings & its all down to personal preference -- the end goal for the illustration can often influence the approach you take; a crisp digital painting might call for meticulous layering & sharp edged flats, but if you want something to look like an oil painting, you should try and mimic that process as close as you can! here's some examples:

this is the sketch for my FYR zine piece from last year; i intentionally approached it in a way that looks like traditional underpaintings so that when I worked directly on top, those orange tones would peek through like this:

after doing that undersketch, i manually painted everything -- no fancy layer modes, just me, one layer, and screaming ಥ_ಥ it was hard but it worked for the vibe i wanted!!

now v.s something like this:

simple shapes, roughly blocked in shading that just gets merged and painted over, as well as lots of layer modes on top for those colour changes! this is by far the easier one & the one i'd probably recommend, solely because it lets you keep more control. i go more in depth here on that -- but to quickly answer, i personally block everything (including shading) in before I merge & render!

for the other thing you mentioned, a lot of the times that 'plastic' feeling can come from either a lack of transitional shades or only using white/black for your value tones. this tweet thread (direct image links 1, 2 & 3) by frozensoba demonstrates it incredibly well -- by adding certain colour shifts in your values, it can create extra depth which is what makes stuff look more alive!! don't be afraid to really push it and get wacky

an easy way to add it while you're learning is using gradient maps to add richness in your midtones. It's not perfect since different surfaces & materials diffuse light differently, but adding one at the end of a drawing can help tie everything together. If you can do both at once though it always looks best; here's some very quick 2 minute orbs as an example:

ok I'm almost done (and im so sorry for how long this got... special interest moment TM) -- one last thing is to try varying your brush strokes & adding textures if you want. using only an airbrush or heavily relying on blurring brushes can make things look plastic too; sometimes you want that, but for the times you don't, adding some texture & leaving brush marks in can do a lot!!

lastly, since this is just me rambling, here are some artists that are incredibly talented & i highly recommend looking at for their advice & processes because it will be much more coherent than this:

Marco Bucci -- amazing educational content. if you check out any of these artists, he's the one to look at first imo. his 10 minutes to better painting series is a great place to start

Sinix Design has some amazing tutorials on anatomy & the mechanics of painting! This video & the intermediate part 2 are super

Dao Trong Le -- a veritable goldmine of speedpaints

Bo Chen & any of the riot splash artists. If that's the vibe you're after, you can't go wrong with the LoL splashes as reference

i hope that helps!!!

[charmedreincarnation]

Hey Maya,

I'm just here to talk a bit. Like everyone else, I try to enter a state of emptiness and find myself worrying and doubting a lot during the day. I think a lot, I worry that I can't do it etc. All these negative thoughts and anxiety are exhausting, even though I consciously remind myself that I can, do, that the void is already me, that it is no different from meditation. But at the same time, whatever happens, I'm going into the void in 3 days, that's my goal, and frankly, I don't want to waste any more time worrying, afraid, even though I feel like it. I've been trying to get in with meditation for a while now and I'm always distracted or moving and letting go. That's why I decided to do the method you shared. It takes time for me to sleep, but I'm sure I'll make it.

Also, something I want to talk about independently of this is, they say, command your subconscious and it will do what you say. So why doesn't it work when I do this? And I feel like my subconscious not listening to me and at the same time it's not happening, mean what I commented. I feel like I'm fighting against myself. Do I have a problem or am I thinking too much? I don't know.

İ think ı need work sc and vc but I'm affirming like a months and sometimes i really feel disappointed to myself. İdk 😶

You don't have to share it, o just wanna talk and I'm sorry for all the negative energy🥺 İ think that's gonna be my last anon ask in Tumblr now on.

We’ve all been there. There’s nothing wrong with you and it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed. Meditation and mindfulness practices can be challenging at first, especially when our minds are filled with so many thoughts and worries. The key is not to resist these thoughts but to acknowledge them without judgment. It's okay if your mind wanders during meditation; the act of noticing that your mind has wandered and bringing your attention back is actually part of the practice.

As for commanding your subconscious, it's important to remember that our subconscious mind is shaped by repeated patterns and behaviors over time. Changing these patterns can take some persistence. If affirmation doesn't seem to work, it might be because deep down, there are beliefs contradicting what you're affirming.

It's also normal to feel like you're fighting against yourself. This internal struggle often arises when we're trying to change or grow. It's part of the process and it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. I think everyone’s journey is just trial and error. Sometimes it feels stagnant, and you have to decide if you maybe need to try a different method, or keep persisting and work on your specific doubts. Most of the times it’s the latter and not the former.

[jolalibrary]

Hey there, I truly admire your openness about your anxiety, and I was wondering if you could offer any tips or techniques that have helped you, especially in the context of being active on this platform. Love your work!

tw: anxiety

hi anon! thank you so much, that's really nice of you. i deffo think i could be more open about it, but it's nice that I've been able to be open enough for you to reach out. i'm sorry it took me a day or two to get back to you, i just wanted to make sure i thought up/over things so i was being as helpful as possible! it's important for me to stress that my situation and my anxiety isn't going to be like everyone else's, and how i cope with it isn't like the "go to". but here are some things that help me (i am not claiming that any of these i came up):

creating a rainy day folder: bad days are a thing for everyone, but i know what things put me in a "stormier" frame of mind, and what i'm critical about. so, when things make me smile (comments, nice reblogs, tags, inbox, dms) i screenshot them and pop them in this folder. and when i need an extra boost (or some proof to fire back at my brain that it's wrong) i spend a bit of time in there. as it's me, it's highly organised HA! but, it deffo helps having the folder, and its reminded me, at times, why i love what i do here.

celebrate with cake: i'm a high-functioning person, who has super low self-esteem. for a good portion of my life (an embarrassingly large portion, honestly) good accomplishments were not celebrated. so, now i make a point to celebrate certain things with food (or books, if I'm reading a lot). one thing I've learnt with my anxiety is that it's easy to get into a cycle, and one way of breaking this is to stop and take the time to realise the milestones I've accomplished or how far I've come. just the other day, i took a walk to the shop and grabbed myself a chocolate bar. a year ago, i wouldn't have felt comfortable doing that by myself. and it's important to recognise those achievements when you've had a hard time. i also recommend everyone gets themselves cake when they finish a series (it's the rules, i swear).

learn about yourself: i'm going to be brutally honest and hope this doesn't bite me on the arse, but there are a lot of times i don't really like myself? i don't see the value i offer, i feel like i let people down, etc etc. it used to be worse, and one of the ways that helped me go from every day i didn't like myself to occasionally disliked myself, is by educating myself on me. I've spent a lot of time making myself small to fit in, I've done things others are into so i fit in to the point i wasn't sure who i was. so, when i had a menty-b (the name i call it), i sat with myself and learnt what i liked. music. movies. clothing. passions. hobbies. i have always written, but i wasn't necessarily writing things i loved. so, i changed it. i dated myself (a term lots of people use). i told my husband i was going to spend Friday nights with myself, and i did something i wanted to do. on my own. and in time, that helped with my anxious feelings and my fears about being online. because i spend a lot of time worrying about what people think, but by dating myself i could learn nice things about me - and that way, had things i could tell myself i knew were true: that i'm actually very nice, kind and really funny. it might not making pressing 'post" easier, but i can hold my chin a little higher?

set yourself a goal of happiness: we're all motivated by different things. sometimes, we make a mental goal to ourselves and it becomes blurred and distorted in numbers. but, if your anxiety (like mine) likes to have a thing to measure itself against, choose something that isn't numbers based, but happiness based. did someone tell you this month that your writing/art/gifs made their day? did something you say make them feel better? it's hard, it really is, and i know there will be people reading this and scoffing, but truthfully, one person telling me something i wrote made their day is all a jo really fucking wants. because i'm going to write regardless, it's a choice i make to share it. so, while i gave examples above, that isn't my current goal, but it was a goal i had, and as long as i try to remind myself of that it helps.

which leads me into, try to stay away from the numbers game which i know is hard. but it does nothing for an anxious mind. like, it's a fickle thing. moods change. don't base your worth on a number, you matter far more than it.

accept it's a part of you: this one is more about me, but since you're asking me i thought this is probably allowed. i have a long-term anxiety disorder - which took a long time to get diagnosed - and i have some other little... things that come with that. and for a long time, i felt broken. but, i was reading a self-help book (because your girl loves reading books about brains) and i realised that i have anxiety. it is already part of me. so i need to work with it. anxiety isn\t nice, it's not kind and it's really annoying. but it also makes me empathetic, it makes me care about the work i do (both here and in my day to day life), or makes me compassionate. whether you have it short term or long term, sometimes it's better to accept it's there, acknowledge it, but DON'T FEED IT. have the worries, and then halt them, tell them no. I've found fighting it before I've got the strength doesn't help me. but, waking up, knowing it's there, nodding at it helps keep it in check. this might not make any sense, but, you know.

and finally, the one i'm still working on is: i cannot fix everything and this is fun, so i need to ensure it stays that way for me. which i know isn't really a tip. but it's a good thing to remember. i am one person, it is not on me to check on every single person. it isn't on me to read every single thing. i don't have to engage with things i don't agree with, i don't have to say all my opinions. i can change fandoms. i can not post for a day/week/month. and all i have to do, if i want to, is offer my absolute best. that's it. it's hard. and it's tough to swallow. but sometimes, a jo just needs to be jo.

i am not sure if my rambling has been helpful, but i thought i could list these: plot your fic, find a buddy to talk about things with, surround yourself with good people. but I've said all of these. but the above are things i can do by myself. they are things i can control. and with anxiety, we're all just looking for the things we can manage, and so i based the list in that way. thank you for coming to my jo-talk, i'm going to go hide from being so vulnerable.

[imaginespazzi]

Hey pookie,

First off, since you achieved your goal of keeping part 2 shorter, imma try to do the same with this ask! So here goes my thoughts on part 2:

I should have already known as soon as I saw the lyric/song you chose that this was gonna hurt bad, but I still was not prepared for how bad. Side note: I listened to Happier while I was reading it for the second time – I do not recommend if you don’t want your heart to break even more.

I know I said I wanted Paige to suffer… WELL I TAKE IT BACK- my favourite blonde has suffered enough 😭

Her entire drunken monologue about what she would have done if it was her that took Azzi on a date- fuuuuuck I can’t- but oh man it was so well written and so heartbreaking.

And then oh- that last part and when she realised that it wasn’t her that Azzi was looking for (although I still believe that subconsciously, it was a certain blonde that she was searching for in the crowd)

ZOE WHEN I CATCH YOU 🫵 (you did nothing wrong, BUT STILL)

I did let out a lil giggle tho (In between my crying) at blondie running into a wall cos she was so desperate to get away 🤭

Side note: the first scene was top tier; I just love Paige and the Fudds interactions and Azzi and Drew interactions 🫂

Side note 2: Angela being chosen as one of the menace teammates, I see the vision truly, she would be that girl lmao

Favourite line/quote: “she’s who you were supposed to be…” 💔

So overall, my heart was as cracked as paige's screen protector was by the end of it, and I just want blondie to finally get to take her bestie out on their dream date. BUT I do love angst so maybe I can handle just a tiny bit more suffering (I guess I’m taking back my earlier takeback), sorry paige 🙈

Thoughts on what’s to come (potentially):

I know I said in a previous ask that in my mind, summer breaks are when it gets especially messy and seeing as we’re up to a summer break in the timeline, oof bestie I can’t wait to see what you have in store for them (and us).

Also, the first meeting between Zoe and Paige- I know that would be explosive, like Paige would just be constantly trying to prove that she knows Azzi best 👀

“you don’t even know the things I said to her before she left for LA. And she’s still here” – another teaser of that fight, ugh I so desperately wanna know, but also not know, what she actually did say that night.

As always, thank you for this incredible story. I was so prepared (well, not really but I could have been) to wait at least a couple weeks for this part cos ya know we never wanna pressure you and I know you still got actual life to deal with, so the fact that you put this out ONE WEEK later - we don’t deserve you, truly. 🥺

Ok omg lemme wrap this up now, and ignore the part where I said I’d try to keep this ask short(er) because I’m pretty sure this is my longest one yet? I’m sorry – the key word there was obviously: try.

Much love always 💗

-🙋‍♀️

Hi bestie <3

Please I love your long asks, don't ever stop.

Fun fact I was torn between using Ed Sheeran's Happier or Oliviia Rodrigo's Happier (does she mean you forgot about me) but also kind of wanted to use The 1 (if my wishes came true, it would have been you).

I KNEW YOU (and everybody else) WOULD FLIP THE MINUTE I GAVE Y'ALL SAD PAIGE like y'all love her too much (me af) 😭

We're gonna come back to Azzi and her searching the crowds during the game next chapter (also just gonna add here, the anon asking if Azzi knows Paige was at the game, she doesn't...yet)

WAIT okay, do we want Zoe to be a good kind gf or no? Cause I have two ways this could go lol

Poor Angela caught some strays. It was between her and Emily Bessoir and I was like nah Angela fits better, so I'm glad you agree babe

Aww babes I'm sorry to break you like Paige's screen protector 💀 (is this a bad time to tell you that it very much is not getting better anytime soon so hopefully you can handle a lot more than little)

SUMMER BREAK I'M SO EXICTED (muahaha)

Mini confession, I also don't actually know what the argument before Azzi left for UCLA actually was...very much a work in progress oops-

Let's see if I can actually stick to my weekly timelines (hmmmm)

Love you always pookie 💗

[d0llcuries]

hey! i just want to thank you for making "𝓗𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗂𝗇 𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝖺𝗋𝗆𝗌", although you didn't like it i found it absolutely perfect you exceeded my expectations 💗

awe i'm so happy to hear that! i'm actually gonna use this post to set some guidelines for requesting just cuz i don't wanna leave the post moderately empty with just words of my gratitude towards this wonderful anon and their lovely request (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ*.ﾟ

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘ guidelines (not mandatory but they help)

𔓘┊ 𝓟𝗅𝗈𝗍: the more specific you are with the plot, the easier it is for me to bring your vision to life. don't be shy tell me everything!

𔓘┊ 𝓜𝖺𝗂𝗇 𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗋𝖺𝖼𝗍𝖾𝗋: especially let me know what kind of personality and attributes you want yn to have. i really really really don't want to accidentally make her feel totally off or unrelatable for you as the requester,, so all i really need to know is a main personality trait of hers, her occupation in the clan and what hairstyle she primarily sports (braids, straight hair). don't worry though, i won't make her so individualized that she becomes an oc, since my goal is to make my content as immersive as possible for everyone.

𔓘┊ 𝓕𝗈𝗋𝗆𝖺𝗍: if u want ur request in the form of a oneshot, drabble, headcannons or anything else ensure that you specify.

𔓘┊ 𝓖𝖾𝗇𝗋𝖾: fluff, angst to fluff, fluff to angst, angst no comfort, etc, lmk what u expect from my writing!

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘ things you should know

𔓘┊𝓢𝗉𝖾𝖼𝗂𝖾𝗌 𝗈𝖿 𝗒𝗇: i mainly write for avatar so yn is usually na'vi; omaticaya, metkayina or other. but i am willing to write yn as a human or avatar :p

𔓘┊𝓒𝗁𝖺𝗋𝖺𝖼𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗌 𝗂 𝗐𝗋𝗂𝗍𝖾 𝖿𝗈𝗋: plsplspls feel free to request other characters like ao'nung, roxto, lo'ak, or even spider! your wish is quite literally my command, i don't just write for neteyam!! not sure if i'm ready to write for jake or any adults yet, though. maybe when i get older or something.

𔓘┊𝓜𝗂𝗌𝖼𝖾𝗅𝗅𝖺𝗇𝖾𝗈𝗎𝗌: i primarily write for avatar, yes, but if you want to request a miles morales x reader fic on a whim i'm down for that. as long as i’m familiar with the fandom or character, i’ll write for them no problem. it can be the nichest hyperfixation you’ve ever had, like,, fifth officer lowe from titanic, jim hawkins, joey donner—bro i'll do it.

𔓘┊𝓐𝖻𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗆𝖾: i’m a pretty religious girl and i deeply value my relationship with god, so i won’t write any spiritistic themes, gore or same-sex fics. i also mainly write with female readers in mind, so i won’t do romantic fics with female characters—only platonic. i’m not here to condemn anyone who enjoys or writes that kind of content that's just a personal boundary for me. i respect everyone’s choices, and i simply ask for the same respect in return. i’m not forcing my beliefs on anyone here nor will i ever, live your life freely, but this is what i feel comfortable with and hope you can understand ૮꒰◞ ˕ ◟ ྀི꒱ა.

𔓘┊𝓢𝗂𝗆𝗂𝗅𝖺𝗋 𝗋𝖾𝗊𝗎𝖾𝗌𝗍𝗌: if your request feels too similar to something i’ve already written, i’ll direct you to that fic instead of trying to rewrite it. i just want to keep things fresh and exciting as possible.

𔓘┊𝓣𝗂𝗆𝗂𝗇𝗀: you can send requests whenever you feel like it, there's no specific time where they're open or closed they're always open. if you requested something that doesn't go against my blog rules and i haven't replied after a long period of time i promise i'm not ignoring you!! if i can't write a request for whatever reason i'll say so, so if you're waiting a long time don't assume i'm not doing.

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘ rules

𔓘┊ 𝓝𝗈 𝖽𝖺𝗋𝗄 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗆𝖾𝗌 𝗈𝗋 𝖾𝗑𝗉𝗅𝗂𝖼𝗂𝗍 𝗋𝖾𝗊𝗎𝖾𝗌𝗍𝗌: domestic abuse, assault, stalking, smut, or any similar themes are not topics i’m comfortable writing about. anything else that's distressing or whatever i just won't do. this is a sfw blog so don't waste ur time requesting something inappropriate ദ്ദി˙-˙ ).

𔓘┊𝓝𝗈 𝗈𝖼'𝗌: i won’t be writing for original characters because i want my fics to relate to as wide a group as possible!

i can't think of anything else so ig this is it. happy reading!! ◝(ᵔᗜᵔ)◜