#andrew you might be able to answer better

[ninyard]

do you think if aaron and katelyn had kids (twins possibly?) that andrew would make a pact with katelyn not aaron to protect them if anything happened. Been considering it for a while now

I’m imagining what that’d look like and all that comes to mind is if Aaron ever mentioned something in therapy along the lines of not being able to cope if his kids grow up the way he did. They’re talking about the future and Aaron is talking about kids with Bee, and he says something like,

“I really want to have kids. I do. I want to give them what I didn’t have. But I’m afraid that I still don’t know any better, and I’m just going to fuck them up anyway.“

“And what if you did? Or at least, think that you did?” Betsy asks. “What if something happens, or you make a little mistake in raising them, what then?”

And he thinks about it for a minute. He looks at Andrew briefly, he looks at himself. He can’t look at Betsy. Maybe his eyes are glued to the ceiling.

“I couldn’t live with myself,” Aaron answers. “Knowing things could’ve been different and they weren’t.”

I think the deal that Andrew could’ve made with Katelyn, when he finds out that she’s pregnant, would’ve been to always, always, always, prioritise their children over Aaron. It doesn’t make much sense to her - why would Andrew, who has always been so fiercely protective over Aaron, now say to her don’t put him first?

No matter what happens - if Aaron relapses, if he overworks himself, if his nightmares get worse or his past comes back to haunt him, Andrew wants her to promise that she’ll never let the kids suffer for the sake of Aaron. Andrew can always look after him. He can help in anyway he knows how. But what’ll only make things worse is if Aaron starts spiralling, and now his kids start to see him as addict dad, scary dad, angry dad, absent dad. Mommy doesn’t have time to play with us because daddy won’t get out of bed. It’d kill Aaron to become the thing he’s always resented his own biological father for - not being there, not caring about his kids. To hear his kids say I hate you would destroy him.

So Andrew makes her promise to shelter them from that. Aaron will worry and scream and cry don’t you take my fucking kids if she ever takes them away from him while he’s recovering, to her moms house, or somewhere else.

He’ll raise hell so she doesn’t leave with them; but he won’t survive if they stay.

He won’t survive if his kids grow up just waiting for dad to have a bad spell again. Waiting for something to happen. Going to sleep afraid of what mood dad might be in when they wake up. Growing up remembering what it looked like when dad hadn’t showered or shaved in two weeks. What it sounded like when he yelled at mom because he’d been working for three weeks straight. The way his eyes looked when he was high, and they were too young to know what it was.

He’d rather be locked in a bathroom with Andrew outside the door for a month, his kids thinking that daddy’s on a business trip, than expose them to the life he only has because of his fuck up parents.

Maybe that’s a deal Andrew makes with Katelyn. Maybe.

[theninthdoor]

pac || yes or no, and a message from Spirit

☁️ think of a question you need a Yes/No answer for, take 3 deep breaths and pick one of the piles below! this should give you a general idea of what the energy surrounding this matter is + what Spirit wants you to know and/or do. ☁️ take only what resonates and leave the rest! if you feel like the pile you've initially picked doesn't really apply to the situation you're thinking of, it's OK to pick another one. ☁️ remember that this is all for entertainment purposes and that free will still exists. don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to or to make a pile/answer fit you situation, ok? ☁️ enjoy, my friends!

🍀 pile 1 || cards: five of pentacles, seven of cups rx, balance, magic.

Your answer, my dear pile 1, is No. Spirit wants you to know that there is something much better for you out there, and that you shouldn't keep yourself stuck to only this option (or the very few you've been considering). I can feel your sadness and frustration, but please trust that your Spirit Team is doing their best to help you navigate through & overcome this period, alright? Don't rush into a decision just because you want to get this over with. As soon as this moment of transition is over, you might realize that what you thought you wanted, isn't all that great after all; or, alternatively, that you were willing to settle for something that isn't in alignment with your greatest good and/or true desires. It might also happen that, if you give it time, Spirit could give you the green light to pursue this option - that's only for a few of you, though. For the majority, I see that this really isn't the best bet anyway.

[extra confirmation that this might be your pile (doesn't have to apply): a white cat; Kat/Cat/Catherine/Katherine/Catarina; white socks and ballerina shoes; 29; dark blue walls; just painted or got your nails done by someone else; Andre/Andrew/Andres; low temperatures; slavic countries; pisces.]

🍀 pile 2 || cards: king of wands, page of pentacles, illumination, growth.

Goodness… this pile has such a strong and assertive energy, that there is no way you guys are still doubting yourselves! It's a clear Yes, my sweet pile 2. You already know what to do, where to go, what to leave behind and what to take with you on the journey ahead. You've seen the light already, and chances are that you are have already made some moves towards your goal, so just keep going! Don't be impulsive, though; always make sure to stay grounded and realistic. If you haven't made any moves, however, someone else might've OR the Universe has been preparing the stage for this to happen. You might soon realize that things just seem to be falling into place all around, and you're all of a sudden full with good luck. Finally, I feel like some of you might also need to hear this: stay informed! Do all of the research you think is necessary, and stay up date with all of the new details/updates regarding this matter.

[extra confirmation that this might be your pile (doesn't have to apply): 1st year as a college student; taking the subway every day now; swimming as a hobby; dark green hoodie; Jen/Jennifer/Jerome; G initial; Grace or "with grace"; 19; a item of jewelry that you never take off, likely a necklace; Church; eating your meals in a rush or on the go; soccer/football.]

🍀 pile 3 || cards: ace of wands rx, eight of pentacles rx, love, flow.

Not yet. Something needs to be done or finished before you get that much desired green light from Spirit. If you felt pulled towards Pile 1 as well, feel free to check that out, by the way! - for some, those messages may also apply. Your energy isn't heavy, even though I still get a big sense of frustration here. Now, after struggling so much with this reality, you know that you are either not ready for such a change OR to receive this "thing" and be able to handle it. I feel like you guys have been doing a lot of inner-work lately, and have been putting a lot of effort into matters of self-worth, self-confidence, and so on; and this realization may have come from that. My dear pile 3, you are on the right path, alright? You just need to stay focused on yourself for now, so you can later receive all of the blessings you have been waiting & praying for.

[extra confirmation that this might be your pile (doesn't have to apply): fidgeting with your fingers 24/7; daily warm, soft hugs from a family member or best friend; 29, again; 00; white bomber jacket; always making sure you have your gloves with you; a spike in humidity; geography or biology; lab coats; lost and/or got a new transit pass, passport or ID; significant earth placements.]

🍀 pile 4 || cards: eight of pentacles, the lovers, fear, abundance.

Some of you may have had to leave people, or even home, behind to pursue a dream, or may be considering it (and, by the way, it doesn't have to be literal or physical). You're afraid that you'll be alone and/or that those you're leaving behind will not miss you. However, Spirit wants you to know that none of that is true, and that things will turn out much better than you could've ever expected. You have big plans for your life but also a big heart; and instead of having these two parts of yourself work together as they should, they are fighting against each other. Sometimes, in order to achieve something major, we must make some sacrifices, you know, pile 4? And that might sound scary, yes, but when you are living through it, you'll see that it actually isn't. We make sacrifices every day without even realizing it… for example, when we sacrifice an extra hour of sleep to spend some more time texting that special someone; or when we sacrifice our precious feet just to show off our new favorite, yet insanely painful, pair of shoes. If you're on the other end of it, however, and you're the one being "left behind", make sure to use this time to work on your goals instead of focusing all of your energy on how much you miss that something or someone. So, your answer is neither a Yes nor a No, because I feel like most of you guys are wording your question wrong?? Just know that this is a time for you to prosper, my dear pile 4, and that you should move forward with your goals.

[extra confirmation that this might be your pile (doesn't have to apply): spending a lot of time alone, sitting in the parking lot; your car's a mess; fidgeting with your earrings or rings; rubbing your eye until it hurts; Sanders/Sandra/Salome/Soumaya; north african countries; south east asian countries; stuffed teddy bear; 57; dad's or grandpa's birthday.]

decks used || Tarot of the New Vision & Prism Oracle

(Disclaimer: Based on current energies. All is alleged and for entertainment purposes only.)

[22ayla19]

Summary: You took an oath that even if you die, you will definitely meet in your next life, under the same pomegranate tree where you first met.

Warning: AU, mentions of death (reader died in a past life), reincarnation, angst, tarot reader, clairvoyant.

From the Author: I was able to complete the world quest with Deshret only recently and gods, how mesmerizing it is. I'm very interested in the desert, it's a pity that there is little lore on it.

To say that I’m not like everyone else, everyone will think that I’m an upstart, posing as a simpleton, but I’m really different from ordinary people. You see, I am a person with an unusual gift, I can see spirits since birth. They say that newborn children and animals are very sensitive to the paranormal, my parents believed in this up to a certain point, until I grew up and began to scare them with the words “Mom, dad, look! There’s Aunt Bella!” Yeah, Aunt Bella, who died in an accident due to the fault of one drunk driving... Mom then almost fainted.

That's pretty much how all the paranormal stuff started with me. I am already 25 and roughly speaking, I have become a local fortune teller, as some call it, which sounds very rude, since I am a clairvoyant and a tarot reader to boot. Of course, I charge for my services, but it happens that sometimes deceased clients come to me, that is, spirits who ask me for help, to finish things or say important words that they did not have time to say during their lifetime. Honestly, I would not pay attention to them, but there was one case when I ignored the spirit and as a result, the daughter of a deceased woman died at the hands of her husband. I still feel guilty for not warning that girl...

Fortunately, today is my day off and I can take a little break from the daily hustle and bustle. I decided to lie in bed and watch Egyxos at the same time. So what? I live alone, no one bosses me around, I can at least be a child alone with myself. Since childhood, I have loved everything connected with Egypt, and I am studying to be a historian and the topic of my diploma is Ancient Egypt, the secrets of the pyramids and pharaohs.

My joyful and exciting mood was ruined by a call from a friend. Still, it would be better to set the “do not disturb” mode...

- Hello, friend!

- What do you want (F/N)? Get to the point, you wouldn’t have called me if it wasn’t very, very “important,- I answered my friend displeasedly. Well, it's true! I told her not to call on my day off, but she again probably asks for a triangle layout for the first men she meets.

- Well, you’re so mean,- she pouted, for sure. - In short, I met two guys here, they’re so nice. One is so tall that...

- I don't care what they look like. Their names and two bottles of cognac at your expense, and I’ll make you a triangle layout - I’m really not interested in her personal life right now. I value (F/N), but she is very amorous and after a couple of betrayals, some scoundrels (which is putting it mildly), she is desperately looking for that very man who will only love her and not get under the skirt of others.

- I guess I’m tired of you with my men, aha-hah... Sorry, Y/N...

- To hell with you. I’ll make a schedule and bring some booze to me next weekend. Agreed?

- Agreed! I'll be waiting for a message from you! Bye bye!

- Where are you going?! Tell me the names of your men! How can I make a schedule for you? - how I love her instant forgetfulness with all my backside.

- Oh, oh! Andrew and John are their names.

I made this triangle layout and purely theoretically, something might work out between her and Andrew, but it depends on both of them, I can only suggest a possible scenario. But John has something dark behind him, so it’s better for a friend not to get too close to him. I wrote the message, and then it’s up to (F/N).

I would like to eat some fruit now, I really want pomegranate or pomegranate juice, but the only option is to leave the house and go buy it, but I’m too lazy. Eh, there’s nowhere to go, maybe I’ll buy myself something else, I’ll go and get ready quickly.

It didn’t take long to get ready, only about 10 minutes, I left my apartment and went towards the supermarket. Already on the spot, I began to look for the fruit I needed. I quickly found it, took the bag and, touching the pomegranate, I had a vision.

Love... such a strong feeling, but at the same time weak. One day my love destroyed the one I loved very much. I don't want... I can't lose you too...

My habib albi, you yourself said that love is a very strong feeling, so let me become your strength, your support in such troubled times.

My Merit...

I want to share my love with you, like I once shared a pomegranate with you. Even though I am destined to die as an ordinary mortal, I will definitely return to you under that pomegranate tree where we met.

The vision disappeared, and I felt a tear roll down my cheek. This is the first time something like this has happened to me. I have experience as a clairvoyant, but for some reason I felt empty and lost after this vision. I didn’t even want to buy pomegranates, but since I came to buy them, I’ll buy them. Although it is interesting that similar visions will continue to appear.

. . .

A month later I went on a little trip. I needed material for my thesis, and I would draw it from the history of Egypt itself. Of course, now it is possible to find the missing information on the Internet, but it is still much better to see all the secrets of Egypt for yourself.

The strangest thing is that when I arrived in Egypt, visions began to torment me. From them I only understood that the king fell in love with a girl who became both strength and weakness for him, but because of the unrest in the country, both she and he died. It’s a sad story, but there’s something left unsaid in it, but I can’t figure out what it is.

Today I have a meeting with an expert who will talk about Heliopolis, one of the oldest and most important cities in Ancient Egypt. The meeting with this expert will be the last, since after this I will have to return home and complete the material for the diploma. It’s sad, because I want to know even more about Egypt, it fascinates with its secrets.

I was supposed to meet with the expert in the park near the museum, but since I arrived earlier than the appointed time, I decided to take a walk to pass the waiting time.

Walking through the park, I noticed a pomegranate tree. It’s strange that it is in such a place, but looking at it, for some reason I remembered a fragment of my visions, where the king met a girl under a pomegranate tree.

I walked up to the tree and began to look at it. An ordinary fruit tree, there is nothing so distinctive, but for some reason it attracts you. It’s as if some unknown force wants to say something, but cannot.

For about 5 minutes I stood and looked straight at the tree that I didn’t even notice how a fruit fell from the tree, but it fell not on the ground, but on my head. I managed to catch the pomegranate in my palm, but my head now hurt from the blow.

- Miss, are you okay?

- Yes, I'm... fine..

Looking at the man who was looking at me worriedly, I felt a surge of joy, happiness, but also bitterness. I felt the same as in my first vision about the Tsar and my favorite, but for some reason it was joy that I felt.

It was at this moment that, out of luck, another vision came to me.

My dear, Merit... I could not protect you, I could not protect my people... My ambitions became the grave of both Nabu Malicath and you. If my sacrifice can cure the plague on my lands, then I will give my life without regret. My only wish is to meet you in the next life under the same grana tree where we met.

- Maybe you should still go to the doctor, miss? - the man became more worried at the sight of my numbness. I couldn’t tell him to his face that I was imagining a moment from the past. They'll take her for a crazy person.

- Everything is fine with me. There’s no need to worry, I’m just tired after several weeks of work - it wasn’t a lie, since I’m really tired, but I won’t tell just anyone about my paranormal powers. Although the words “just anyone” do not quite apply to this situation. It’s difficult to describe in words, because looking at the man in front of me, I felt that I could trust that he was someone I once knew, the feeling of deja vu did not leave me.

- Excuse me, have we never met before? You just seem very familiar to me...

- Oh, it’s unlikely that we’ve ever met, this is the first time I’ve seen you, miss. Perhaps my words will seem absurd, but maybe we met in a past life?

The question itself sounded like a slight flirtation or even a joke, but for some reason, behind the man’s back, I saw a shadow, or rather the image of the king who appeared in my visions. Time seemed to stop, I didn’t hear anyone, as if I had fallen into a trance, but the man’s voice made me realize one important thing.

- I have been waiting for our meeting for a long time, my dear Merit, - an important detail that I have been missing all this time. I was the same Merit from the visions. More precisely, my past life. And the man in front of me is the same man who swore to wait for me in my next life. He is the same king who sacrificed his soul to stop the plague because he could not save the life of his beloved.

[moonsgemini]

seeking arrangements - iv

summary: With just two days left of before the wedding the celebrations continue. Going to a bachelorette & bachelor party when you’re a fake couple might cause some issues. Especially when Lola can’t seem to stop taking tequila shots & the liquid might have given her too much courage.

warnings: escort!rafe x oc, alcohol, angst, insecurities, fluff, thomas (he deserves a warning), shitty family, kissing

wc: 5.1k

an: I’m gonna be real I kinda hate this part, I feel like I lacked in every aspect lol. But it is done, & there’s two more parts to goooo. ALSO HELP I cannot get my comments to work. Like I can’t reply to people or comment on other peoples posts. It’s on in my settings I’m pretty sure so idk what I’m doing wrong.

series masterlist - previous part

“What’s on the agenda today?” Rafe asked before taking a bite of his bagel.

Lola was sitting next to him squinting at her laptop. She may have had the week off from work but she couldn’t help but try and catch up on some pieces that needed to be read. She hadn’t felt focused enough the last few days to try and squeeze in any work because she’d been so anxious. After the engagement party and the boat day she felt a lot more relaxed. Rafe managed to put a sense of calm over her.

After they got home from the party they spent the rest of the night in bed watching another movie. This one was Rafe’s pick. He made her watch The Godfather, but they didn’t really pay too much attention. Lola kept asking questions during the film and of course Rafe answered all of them. Never once did he get upset at her for talking during the movie, something Thomas hated that she did. The conversation ended up leading to them talking about everything. Rafe opened up a lot more to her and she felt closer to him.

It scared her because it meant that even if they continue to be friends after this she’ll never have him in the way she wants. When this whole thing began Lola was unsure about it because what if she got caught but she never thought that there’d be a possibility she’d fall in love with the guy. Of course it had to be Rafe that she reached out to, the most perfect guy.

“Ummm we have the bachelor and bachelorette parties today. Girls are going to one bar and guys are going to another,” She turned to him giving him a weak smile. This is the first time they’ll really be separated from each other.

Rafe groaned, “I have to be with those frat boys all night.”

She threw her head back laughing, “They aren’t that bad. Well except for you know who, he’s that bad.”

“Oh they are that bad sweetheart,” He took a sip of his coffee before continuing, “Except Harry, he’s been pretty decent. I don’t know why you ran with these crowds.”

“Please I only saw them when we came here because they’re all my sisters friends or Harry’s. They met them in college.”

“Explains why you and Tabitha are the coolest,” Rafe smirked at her. She rolled her eyes playfully turning back to the laptop in front of her.

“So that’s why my ears were ringing,” Tabitha said as she walked into the kitchen.

“Good morning to you Tabs,” Lola grinned watching her cousin pour herself a big mug of coffee.

Rafe chuckled, “Went a little too hard yesterday?”

“Possibly,” She rolled her eyes and grabbed the supplies for a bagel.

“Hey you better be able to go out later I’m not doing that alone,” Lola scolded.

Tabitha sat in the seat in front of her, “Relax I’ll make it. Takes me back to college, drunk every weekend.”

“Okay so what am I supposed to do with these guys for a whole night?” Rafe was not excited at all for the bachelor party. Ever since the boat conversations he’s been trying to avoid them. Everything was a dick riding contest to them.

Tabitha waves her bagel around, “Just get drunk, talk about sports too.”

“Getting drunk does sound promising,” he shrugged.

Lola laughed, “You can also talk about finance, you know they love that stuff.”

Tabitha nodded her head, “I’m always having to tell Andrew to shut up when he starts giving me financial advice.”

“I definitely don’t need financial advice. Sometimes I’m glad I don’t have many friends. The less friends or people close to you the better,” Rafe shrugged.

“You two really are made for each other,” Tabitha said looking between the two with a playful grin.

-

Lola had come up with a plan. Maybe it was a stupid plan and would end horribly or it could go amazingly. She was going to go out and take a few shots to earn that liquid courage before ubering home if Rafe was back and then try to seduce him. She couldn’t stand being around him and not be able to touch him.

Of course they did subtle stuff to convince her family, but it was never enough. When he’d place his hand on the small of her back to guide her around the engagement party her body felt ablaze. Her fingers itched to run through his hair and pull him closer. They hadn’t kissed since the boat and her lips ached for his. She missed his soft touch, the things he would make her feel with something so simple as his hand on the back of her neck.

Sleeping next to him at night was the hardest. He slept shirtless and it was incredibly distracting. There had been moments where she’d wake up to his arm around her, his nose tucked into the back of her neck. Rafe knew what he was doing, he’d blame it on him doing it in his sleep. He was really like half asleep and she just looked so cute and soft laying there he couldn’t help himself. If she moved away or anything he would have pulled away but she never did.

He was very disappointed that he wouldn’t really get to hangout with her tonight when their time playing boyfriend and girlfriend was almost over. He’d rather spend the day at the beach with her than drinking with a bunch of guys he didn’t know.

He was sitting outside on the deck going through his emails while thinking about the girl that was inside. Lola insisted on making margaritas for them to pregame. They didn’t have to leave until six so they had time to just relax. Lola came out with glasses and a pitcher of the alcoholic drink.

“Woah there cowboy, we’re gonna finish all that?” He asked with a chuckle.

“Well we can try, or it will just go to waste.” She smirked shrugging. Sitting down next to him she began to pour the watermelon margaritas into the glasses. He smiled at her just looking at her. Rafe liked watching her just do stuff.

“What?” She asked with a nervous laugh. His blue eyes made her nervous because when he looked at her she felt like he was actually looking at her. Not the girl everyone thought was weak because of her breakup. Not the girl that lets everyone walk all over her.

He shrugged, “Nothing, just like looking at you.”

She looked away from his tense gaze, a small grin forming at her lips. It was hard to deny the fact that he didn’t have an effect on her, “You’re too much.” she said because it was true. Everything about him was so overwhelming.

“So Rafe what’s your next job after this one? Or should I say who is your next job?”

He adjusted in his seat. Scrunching his nose as he looked out at the backyard, “Uh no one right now. I-I don’t know I’ve been thinking of retiring.”

“Woah really?” She looked over at him a bit shocked.

“Yeah this week has given me a new perspective you could say,” he took a drink from his margarita.

“How so?” She asked her voice quieter now.

He shrugged, “I guess I just realized I want more. I don’t want to be a paid companion anymore, I want to be just a companion.”

Butterflies of hope flew around in her stomach. Lola’s delusions were starting to get the best of her. Maybe it’s because of me, she thought. Rafe takes her silence as not a good sign.

He feels like maybe he had said too much and scared her away, “Uh so I’ll probably try and get myself out there more. Ya know when we get back to the city. Find a girl finally go on dates.”

The butterflies were crushed at those words. Find a girl. Those words hurt her but she couldn’t show it. Rafe could read her better than anyone even though he’s only known her for a month. Her furrowed brows and the way she couldn’t look at him gave her away. He knew what he said hurt her, maybe he had been reading everything wrong.

She cleared her throat to try and get rid of the lump in her throat, “That’s uh great Rafe. I-I think that sounds great.” She smiled at him the best she could. Lola started chugging the rest of her margarita not really in the mood to sit and drink with him.

He watched her with concern. Rafe wanted to shove his words back into his mouth to get that pretty smile back on her face “Lola I..”

“I-I’m gonna go and get ready now. I’ll see you in a bit okay Rafe,” She gave her another fake smile before walking back inside.

“Fuck,” He muttered rubbing his face out of frustration with himself.

The whole time Rafe felt like he thought he knew what she wanted. She had even asked to just be friends after this. He didn’t want to overstep and tell her the real reason why he wants to give all this up. It was because of Lola, he wants her by his side. He liked the way she made him feel and he loved the person he brought out in her. He loved protecting her from people who don’t deserve her.

-

Lola was beginning to think her plan was going to end horribly. Especially after what he had said. She felt like things were maybe going somewhere with him. She has had more fun the whole week than she’s had her whole life. And she knows it’s because she’s had him by her side.

She looked over herself in the mirror. She felt hot, she felt like she could go through with her plan to seduce Rafe. Yet it wasn’t enough because that voice was still in her head telling her that he doesn’t like want her more than a friend. Or even possibly more than a client. Her outfit consisted of a black mini skirt and olive green long sleeve that had a small pink bow in the middle of the square neckline. She also wore black boots that made her legs look longer, her makeup and hair were done. She felt amazing on the outside but on the inside her insecurities were starting to take over her thoughts.

Rafe had been in the shower while she changed into her outfit. They hadn’t spoken much since he came back to the room. Things seemed a bit tense, a sort of unspoken tension between them.

Lola was switching purses to one that would better match her outfit when Rafe opened the door to the bathroom. He stepped out in nothing but a light blue towel around his waist. His chest and stomach still slightly damp from the hot shower. He had been looking down at his phone. Lola looked up at him from where she stood and gulped at his appearance. He was not making this easy.

“What should I wear? I’m guessing polos and khakis is the bar dress code,” He smirked putting his phone down and going to his side of the closet to look through the shirts he brought. He glanced back at her and stopped skimming through his shirts. He wished she didn’t look so incredible, how was he supposed to spend the night away from her when she looked like that.

He looked her over his eyes moving slowly taking in every detail, “You look unreal,” he said once he met her eyes.

Lola gave him a shy smile as a blush creeped up her neck, “Thank you, and uh you should just wear a button up and some black pants. Casual but nice.”

He just nodded his head only half paying attention. Rafe couldn’t concentrate when she was standing across the room looking like his future wife. He snapped out of his thoughts at the word wife. She was really doing something to him if he was thinking about marriage. He looked through his shirts and decided on a green jacket and black carhartt pants. Grabbing his clothes he went back into the bathroom to change.

Lola felt like she could breathe again. Having to watch the muscles in his back flex as he grabbed his shirt was too much. Especially since his skin was sun kissed from the day before she just wanted to run her hands all over him. He walked out of the bathroom and she clenched her fists. He smiled at her and she smiled back.

“You look handsome,” Lola said as she started to think about all the women that would get to see Rafe tonight. Jealousy took over her as she thought about how she couldn’t be by his side all night to show people that he was with her.

“Thank you sweetheart.” She was going to kill him.

“Alright lets go,” She sighed and began walking out the door.

“I’m not going go drink tonight so I can drop you off and even pick you up,” Rafe said following behind her.

“Okay, you decided on not drinking?”

“Yeah I just don’t really feel like being drunk with a bunch of people I don’t know. I also want to make sure you’re safe,” He shrugged and opened the front door for her.

Lola turned to him before walking out the door. Standing almost toe to toe, he was much taller than her. She was feeling intimidated but she tried her best not to show it. But like always he could read her so easily. He could see the her fingers twitch and her breathing pick up a little more.

“You’re kind of frustrating Mr. Cameron,” She said with a sigh, her eyes squinting teasingly at him.

“What am I doing?” He asked pretending to be clueless.

She ignored him not wanting to answer him, “Come on we can’t be late.”

The drive there was comfortable quiet. The tense atmosphere from earlier now gone. Rafe pulled into a parking lot on the main street and parking. He had been struggling since he first saw Lola. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

There were a lot of people on the main street going to the different shops, restaurants, and bars. It was a popular area in the summer. Rafe walked around her to walk on the side closest to the street, and hgrabbed her hand so he wouldn’t lose her in the throngs of people.

“Where are we going?” He asked her following her lead.

“The girls are going to Porter’s and the guys are going to Birdie’s. Porter’s is right there,” She pointed at a bar a few shops down, “And then Birdies is across the street.” She pointed at another bar on the other side of the street.

“Ah so we’re close to each other,” Rafe smirked liking the idea that she’d be close by in case she needed anything.

“Mhmm I think all the girls are there already.”

“If you want to leave early for any reason call me okay? I’ll be right over,” He gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

“Okay Rafe,” She smiled. Once they got to the front of the bar the bridesmaids immediately spotted them since they were all sitting on the patio out front.

“My favorite couple!” Penny shouted as she saw the pair walk up.

“Took you guys long enough. I wonder what you guys were doing that made you laaaate,” Tabitha said teasingly.

“Tabi!” Lola exclaimed.

Penny turned to Rafe, “Hurry and let your girl go so we can get drunk!”

“Alright alright,” Rafe said and turned Lola to face him. He cupped her cheek, “call if you need anything. Have fun and be safe.”

“Always,” She said breathlessly because his eyes kept going down to her lips. She knew what was coming and she couldn’t be more excited.

Rafe leaned down and pressed a kiss against her lips, he didn’t want to do too much since they were in public but he wanted to show everyone that this was his girl. He pulled away only to go in one more time, she smiled against his lips.

“Rafe,” She laughed pushing him away playfully.

“Sorry babe couldn’t help myself,” He shrugged with a lopsided smile that made her want to kiss him a million more times.

“I’ll see you later,” She squeezed his hand before pulling away to walk onto the patio.

“Bye,” He waved at her and all the other girls who had been watching them.

“Byyye,” They all said in synch with laughs

Tabitha turned to Lola as she sat down next to her, “Girl that man is obsessed with you.”

“I really hope so,” She laughed. The girls not knowing the way she really meant it.

“Okay ladies lets drink!” Penny said clapping her hands, “Tonight in honor of me we’re having tequila!”

“This is going to be the best night!” Olivia laughed excitedly.

-

Rafe arrived to the bar the guys were at, he walked inside and spotted the group around a table in the back. He walked over and Harry immediately spotted him.

“Rafe! Dude you made it,” Harry said getting up to greet him.

“Of course, just had to drop off Lola.” Rafe walked over to the empty seat between Mateo and Josh. Thomas say directly in front of him.

“Hey what’s up man,” Josh greeted followed by the rest of them Thomas only nodding at Rafe to not some completely rude. Rafe found it amusing how much he pissed Thomas off. He liked it.

“I’m gonna go get another round. What are you drinking Rafe?” Josh asked him.

“uh just water, I’m driving tonight.”

“Shoulda ubered man.”

-

It was nearly midnight now and Rafe wanted to leave. He had bern having a good time for a while but now all the guys were pretty drunk and he just wanted to be with Lola. He hadn’t heard from her all night which he took as a good sign. The guys were playing pool now, some of the single grooms men were flirting with some women at the bar.

“You ever miss that?” Harry asked him as he lined up his stick with the white ball.

“What? Flirting?”

He nodded his head, “Yeah like picking up girls at bars.”

Rafe shook his head, “Not at all. I like Lola a lot.”

“I feel the same about Penny. Guess it’d be bad if I didn’t since we’re getting married,” He laughed patting Rafe on the back.

“You guys are sooo whipped,” Thomas laughed.

“And what about it?” Harry slurred.

Thomas shrugged his hooded eyes meeting Rafes, “The same boring girl forever? The same average pussy forever? noooo thanks.”

“I’m convinced you’ve never actually talked to a woman. I think you just like women who don’t like you,” Rafe shook his head with a smirk.

“Hey all girls love me. Look at me,” He stood straighter and smirked. Rafe wanted to hysterically laugh but he held it in. He started to feel a vibrating in his pocket. He pulled his phone out and saw Lola’s name across the screen.

“Saved by the bell,” He said before walking away to a quieter area, “Hello?”

“Rafeyyyy,” Lola sang on the other end of the line.

He shook his head with a fond smile on his lips, “This is him. What’s up sweetheart?”

“I’m ready to go Rafey. I wanna see you,” She said breathlessly.

For the last few hours the girls had moved to inside the bar where they drank too many shots of tequila and danced. Penny even did karaoke at some point. Lola was actually enjoying herself and she might have enjoyed it too much. She was definitely drunk by now which meant her plan to seduce Rafe sounds like a very good plan.

“God he’s just so hot,” Lola said her chin resting in her palms as she leaned on the bar. She was currently talking to the bartender and Tabitha.

“He is incredibly hot,” Tabitha agreed, “You should see him, he’s like one of those stone statues of the guys with the abs.”

Lola laughed loudly, “he does look like that. Beautiful. You know he’s a really good kisser.” Her brain started to get even fuzzier as she thought of the kisses from earlier.

“Call him girl, get your man.” Tabitha encouraged as shebsaw the look in her cousin’s eyes.

“I will,” That’s when she had decided to call him and let him take her home.

“You’re drunk huh?” He asked with a teasing tone.

She faked a gasp, “I would want to see you even if I weren’t drunk thank you very much. Especially when wow,” She sighed dreamily, “Especially when you look the way you do tonight.”

Rafe had quickly and quietly bid goodbye to the guys as he all but sprinted out of there to get Lola. He knew she was drunk and he didn’t want her to go outside by herself.

“I’m coming sweetheart, did you have fun?”

“Very much of it,” She smiled to herself.

“I’m outside now,” He as as he was getting closer.

She squealed, “Coming!” She hung up the phone and ran outside before Rafe could even made it to the walkway up to the bar doors.

She ran towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck hugging him tightly, “Missed you.” Lola nuzzled her head into his neck breathing in the smell of his cologne.

“I missed you,” He had hugged her back and was stroking her hair with one of his hands, “Let’s get you home babe.”

“Kiss?” She asked looking up at him with those doe eyes. How could he say no? He was eager to do anything for her, to please her. He was there to fulfill all her needs how could he ever deny her?

“anything for you,” He mumbled leaning down and kissing her. He wanted it to be a soft kiss but when her fingers went into his hair and tugged him closer he couldn’t hold back. She kissed him hard and he was of course going to reciprocate. Their lips moved together in perfect synch yet a little messily. She wanted him and it wasn’t just because she was drunk.

Rafe was reminded of what she had been doing earlier when he started tasting the tequila on her tongue. He pulled away and kissed one more time softly, “Let’s go home.”

She nodded her head in a dizzy trance. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to him. Lola wrapped her arms around his waist and happily hummed. She was practically leaning her whole body weight on him and it wasn’t even phasing him.

“So how many shots did you take huh?”

“Ohhhh just a few. And a couple tequila sodas.” She laughed.

They reached his car and he helped get her in, making sure she didn’t hit her head. He buckled her in, she just watched him with a dopey smile. Rafe jogged over to his side.

The ride was once again filled with comfortable silence. Mostly because Lola had fallen asleep. Rafe heard her light snores and smiled to himself. Once they got back to the house Rafe rushed over to get her. He ended up having to find her house key and then carry her inside.

He was glad he didn’t drink tonight because he gets to spend the night taking care of Lola. Once he’s walking through their bedroom door the girl in his arms starts stirring awake. He laid her down on the bed as she opened her eyes. Squinting as her eyes adjusted to the light.

“Rafe you brought me up,” She mumbled and sat up on the bed. The sleep had sobered her up a bit. Enough to remember to take her makeup off and brush her teeth.

“Of course I did. You need anything?” He sat next to her rubbing her back.

“I’m gonna wash my face,” She mumbled rubbing her eyes, “Can you get me water and ibuprofen please. It’s in the cupboard on the left of the fridge.”

“I’ll be back,” He leaned over and pressed a kiss to her head. He went downstairs to get whatever she needed. Rafe also took it upon himself to make her a grilled cheese and bacon knowing she hadn’t eaten since earlier in the day. The greasy food will help her feel better in the morning.

Lola washed her face and brushed her teeth. Feeling more sober and clean. She hadn’t drank that much in a while and now that she was older it hit her harder and worse. She went to her dresser to look for pajamas. Her eyes lit up when they came across the small floral tank top and matching boy short underwear. They were long enough to be considered very short sleep shorts. The part of her brain that was still a little drink was screaming at her to pick that set.

Her plan from earlier coming back to her. She didn’t think twice and grabbed them going to change. Lola looked like she was barely wearing any clothes, just what she wanted. If Rafe felt something for her then he would make a move on her or not reject her if she tried first. And she was almost positive that he did feel something for her. She fixed her hair a bit and put on some more lotion and deodorant.

“I brought you food too,” Rafe said as he entered the room. When she heard him shut the door she stepped out of the bathroom.

He looked up at her and froze. There she was standing in front of him in practically nothing. His hands were itching to touch her. The curves of her body and her pretty bare face were doing too much to him.

He cleared his throat and looked away going back to pulling the covers back, “I uh made you a grilled cheese and some bacon.” He motioned to the food on her nightstand. She smiled at him and mumbled a thanks. Lola walked over to her side and sat on the bed.

As she ate Rafe put on a movie for her before he went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. While he was gone Lola was giving herself a pep talk. She could do this, she’s almost 100% sure that he won’t reject her. At least that’s what she kept telling herself. She quickly finished her food before he came out and got herself ready adjusting her pajamas and her fixing her hair.

He stepped out of the bathroom in nothing but sweatpants. Lola took a deep breath as he sat down next to her.

“You feel better?” He asked looking over at her.

“Yeah I am, thanks for the food.” She turned to lay on her side, holding up her head on her hand.

He mimicked her position, “You’re welcome, how did your night go?”

“Hmmm it was good. The girls are crazy. I miss you though wish I had you by my side,” She said trying to give him her best puppy dog eyes.

Rafe swallowed hard, “Yeah? I missed you. What’s tomorrow’s plan?”

She shuffled closer to him, “Tomorrow we have family brunch and then rehearsal dinner. Then it’s the big day.”

He reached forward and brushed a strand of hair out of her face, “Easy last couple days then.”

She sighed deeply, “mhmm can I ask you a question?”

“Always.”

“So do you make all your clients feel like this?”

He tilted his head questioningly, “Like how?”

She shrugged looking at the white sheets under her, “Like they’re the only girl in the world.”

Rafe’s heart had started to pick up speed the closer she got. He didn’t know what game she was playing but it was a very dangerous one. He looked at the tv afraid that if he looked at her any longer he would do something he would regret.

“I think I like only making you feel that way,” He mumbled as he continued watching the movie.

“Rafe?” Lola asked in whisper.

“Yeah?” He finally turned to her and she was a lot closer than before.

Instead of answering him she cupped his face and leaned in kissing him softly. Slightly hesitant in case he didn’t want this, but then he cupped her face and pulled her in harder. She sighed satisfied with his response. Rafe felt like his lungs were going to explode, she was so suffocating in the best way. He grabbed her thigh and pulled it so that she was now on top of him. The very minimal clothes they had on made them be even closer.

Lola tugged on his hair as she arched her back slightly to get closer to him. Rafe ran his hands all over her, touching wherever her could. This was much better than he imagined. Yes they’d kissed a few times but it was never just them and it wasn’t like this.

When Rafe’s lips moved down to her neck he came to a realization. She had been drinking earlier and he’s pretty sure she’s at least tipsy still. He pulled away gently resting his forehead against hers.

He cleared his throat and quietly spoke up, “Sweetheart I can’t.”

Lola pulled away a little. Confusion taking over her features, “I-I thought you..” Her face flushed in humiliation. Had he read his body language wrong? Had she interrupted his words wrong?

“No no Lola I want to, but you’ve been drinking and I think you should be sober. I don’t sleep with drunk women,” Rafe tried to reassure but his last sentence made her nauseous.

She sat back farther, “But it’s me Rafe. It’s not some random client that paid for you.”

Rafe laughed softly not really reading the tension in the room. He thought she was just messing around, “Babe you paid for me.”

Lola rolled her eyes and got off of him, “Yeah you’re right, I’m really tired.”

“Lola,” Rafe said knowing something was wrong.

“Rafe I’m tired can we just not,” She mumbled as she tucked herself under the covers. Her back towards him so he couldn’t see her biting her quivering lip. Had Rafe just been doing all of this and acting this way because it was his job? She couldn’t blame him but Lola swore she saw something between them for just a split second.

Rafe watched her for a few seconds before turning off the lights and laying back. He had fucked it up somehow and he was going to do everything possible to make it up to her.

He had to fix it.

-

tags: @rosal1nd , @magicwithaknife , @f4ll-for-you, @hotch-meeeeeuppppp, @loveu-always , @weareatthebadlands

(if you would like to be tagged or removed let me know!)

(also if you already asked me & I missed you I am so sorry pls send another message)

[stabbyfoxandrew]

Dang it’s hard to pick what to ask for each week bc I love all of your wips so much but I think I asked for angel neil last week so could I get some arsonist neil this time? (also, happy tsc release week! Hope you have a great weekend<3)

WIP Wednesday (4/10) | Arsonist Neil / Firefighter Andrew AU (Part 141)

Andrew The movie was terrible, just so you know. I hated every second of it. My brother enjoyed it, but he’s stupid. Did you know a large soda costs like $50 now? I’m joking, obviously. But the prices are ridiculous, so I suppose I won’t be doing that again for a while.

Once he’s done updating his ghost, Andrew shoves his phone into the couch cushion so he won’t be tempted to stare at it all night. Then he puts on that show Nicky had told him about, to give it a second chance to capture his attention. And it works. He’s able to watch several episodes without even thinking about checking his phone.

Until he feels his ass vibrate.

Andrew looks down at the cushion for a moment, then back to the TV. He’s not going to answer in milliseconds. Not when 10 has taken his sweet fucking time. After finishing the episode he’s on, Andrew slides his phone out like he doesn’t care what’s on it. And that bites him in the ass because it isn’t even 10. 

Fucking hell. The anticipation almost killed him and it’s just Nicky?Andrew might just eat his phone.

Nicky Aaron told me you guys had a movie date last night! :) Are you actually friends now or was it a hostage situation?

Andrew rolls his eyes.

Andrew We aren’t friends. We’re brothers. Nicky It’s about time you acted like it. :P I sort of always thought that you two wouldn’t ever get close, until after my funeral. Can you imagine? The two of you being like 80 and my death makes you realize how important family is. And then you live together until you die minutes apart.

Andrew is a bit worried about Nicky’s mental state. But that's always been true.

Andrew That sounds like a shitty rom-com Nicky. And what makes you think I would come to your funeral? You know I hate planes. Nicky Sorry. I watched The Notebook with Erik and his sister last night. Also, rude. You better come to my funeral. 

Andrew rolls his eyes. 

Andrew I might. Nicky I’ll haunt your tiny ass if you don’t. Andrew Noted. I started watching that German drama you told me about. Nicky Oh yay! Do you love it?! Wait a sec.

Nicky is calling you.

“Oh fuck,” Andrew sighs out. But he answers.

[pascaloverx]

To Begin Again

ELEVEN

Summary: You're a new teacher at a large and influential school. It's a risky step for you, as you've been running from your ex for almost two years. But when Dumbledore asks you to take on a class at the renowned Hogwarts, you can't refuse. However, your life as a newly arrived teacher won't be easy. Especially when the other teachers don't seem eager to make friends. Or rather, two teachers in particular: Sirius Black and Remus Lupin.

Author's Note: Welcome, dear readers. Please leave your comments if you enjoy fanfiction. This fanfic takes place almost in the real world (with the addition of werewolves) and is not a wizarding fanfic. There will be some differences and changes in things from the Harry Potter story or other fanfics in the HP universe, but I promise to do my best writing this fanfic. There will be a love triangle coming in this fanfic. So, dear readers, just as in this fanfic it's meant to imagine Remus Lupin as being Andrew Garfield and Sirius Black as being Ben Barnes, now I present to you the fancast of Severus Snape as being actor Enzo Vogrincic. Imagine him as Snape if you can.

TEN TWELVE

Draco is a bit nervous when he enters your room, as if he wants to say something but doesn't have the courage. You gesture towards a chair near the bed. Your room is very large and spacious, with two chairs near the bed. You sit down next to Draco.

"Do you want to tell me something?" you ask Draco, who still seems to be thinking about what he wants to say; he nods affirmatively.

"I want to be better, but I don't know how. I thought you might be able to help me," Malfoy says, catching you by surprise. You have no idea what to say, contemplating the fact that he thinks you have a good enough relationship for him to ask you for advice.

"I'm honored that you think I can help you. But tell me, what made you think you need to change?" you ask him gently. You want to help your student, but the truth is, you don't feel qualified to tell anyone how to be better.

"I think the consecutive punishments and hitting someone who didn't deserve it. To be honest, Potter got hurt trying to stop his best friend from hitting me. Granger has a bruised face, and I can't stop feeling guilty," Draco says shyly, seeming embarrassed to admit he's feeling guilty.

"Your sense of guilt is essentially correct. But the blame isn't entirely yours; after all, you weren't the only one punished. You're old enough, so I'll be honest. If you don't start apologizing for your rude or disrespectful actions, you'll end up becoming someone impossible to live with. And apologizing is useless if you don't commit to not repeating the mistake. That said, I'm proud of you for coming here. Admitting to yourself that you're wrong is a noble act. But if you don't change your lovely habit of getting into trouble, you'll end up lonely and resentful." You decide to give Draco some tough love, hoping that he'll listen and make progress.

"Do you think I can get better?" Draco processes what you said and speaks softly, not looking at you.

"The answer lies within you. If starting tomorrow, you commit to staying out of trouble and make an effort to apologize to those you believe deserve your apology," you say, hoping he understands your guidance. Maybe he can become a better person in his own way.

"You were unexpectedly helpful, professor. I'll ask my father to get you a new outfit as a way of thanking you. Your wardrobe could use some… repair. No offense," Draco says, smiling a bit too mischievously for someone who wants to be a good boy.

"Insulting my wardrobe is not your best move as someone trying to be better, Mr. Malfoy. Now go to your room and get some sleep, because I need to rest. Tomorrow will be a long day for both of us." You say, opening the door and waiting for him to leave. He does so, looking as confident as ever.

You close the door once Draco leaves. When your body falls under the bed, you feel an avalanche take over you. It's like you're reliving the night you became a werewolf. The feeling of Remus's sharp teeth tearing through his skin. The heat that took over your body as soon as you felt your body change The rhythm your heart beat when you woke up hours later, naked and with no idea what will happen to you. All this can't get out of your head, you toss and turn in bed trying to fall asleep. Nothing seems to work, until you get up to go get some air. There is no one in the corridor, you confess that you thought about knocking on Sirius' door but thought it would be very rude to interrupt him. You then decide to go to the infirmary to see if there is any medicine that will help you fall asleep. But getting closer to the infirmary you notice that there are two people talking. You sneak up on the two people, realizing they are Lupin and Black. Remus is sitting on the hospital bed while Sirius is crouched in front of him, the two of them staring at each other. From a distance, it looks like Lupin is a god and Sirius is worshiping him.

"You look like crap, Moony. And to think you assured me you were invincible," Sirius says to Remus, smiling. He seems to be trying to cheer Lupin up.

"I'm alive, you idiot. For your information, that makes me invincible enough. How's Y/N? I don't remember how things happened, but lately, she's always around," Remus comments, and you feel a bit offended. It's not like you want to always be around them when things go wrong. It's just that you're a damned unlucky person.

"So, you're not going to like this, but she now has something in common with you. Looks like you'll have a full moon companion. She seemed fine the last time I saw her. I mean, as fine as you can be when you transform into a werewolf for the first time," Sirius responds, holding Lupin's hands tightly. You almost lose your breath as your mind forces you to relive your first transformation.

"She must hate me. I can't believe I…" Remus seems disturbed by the idea of having turned you. His hands slip from Sirius's and he starts frantically running his hands over his face and head. You can't see clearly, but it almost looks like he's hurting himself. You even have the impression that he's crying. Then Sirius grabs his hands. Without saying a word, Black kisses Lupin. The kiss starts gently, with little reaction from Remus, who seems to be calming down. But over time, Remus responds better to Sirius's kiss. Sirius caresses Lupin's face while Lupin holds Sirius' hands with lightness.

"No one would dare or be able to hate you, my love. " Those are the words you hear Sirius say to Remus between their kiss. Sirius sits on the edge of the bed to kiss Remus better and you feel wrong for watching them. Then you walk silently but in a hurry to your room.

Unfortunately, with so much on your mind, you couldn't sleep for a second. You don't know how you're able to stand, maybe it's a new werewolf ability of yours. But luckily, your lack of sleep paid off. You were the first to get up to clean the Hogwarts ballroom. As soon as the sun rose, you made the mop your best friend.

"You know we should be doing this together, right?" you hear Sirius say as he enters the ballroom. Your gaze remains fixed on the cleaning, avoiding distractions. The truth is, you're feeling bad. Hours before Sirius had his romantic moment with his love, he was almost hooking up with you. What you thought was casual ended up not being so casual for you.

"Fortunately, this place is huge and there's plenty more to do. The dining area has trash to take out, someone broke a lightbulb near the exit of the hall, and I left the entire bathroom for you. Not to mention, Draco, Harry, and Ron should be able to help with the rest," you say, continuing to clean the floor. In truth, most of the work had been done by you, but it's not your fault. Your mind and body don't seem to want to rest, and every time you close your eyes, it's as if everything happens all over again.

"What did I do this time?" Sirius says, coming towards you. You finally look him in the eye. His hair is slightly damp, and he's wearing a gray sweatshirt that's a bit too big for him.

"I don't know what you're talking about," you reply, looking at him with feigned ignorance. He steps closer to you, and you immediately back away. He narrows his eyes as if he's just realized that something is wrong.

"How about being honest now? What did I do that made you like this?" Sirius asks quietly, but with a hint of impatience. You're at a loss because you know that if you tell him the truth, you'll come off as a nosy, rude person.

"Last night, she felt immense pain. It had to do with her transformation. Before that pain and torment, there was a moment of heated passion; I imagine with you, Sirius. And at the end of the night, amidst the torment and exhaustion, she felt a lot of guilt. At the same time, she felt like something didn't belong to her. Or rather, someone. Or someones." Remus says, entering the hall with the upper part of his body covered in bandages. His hair is also wet. You don't need to be a seer to know you're the odd one out here. But the fact that he knows what you felt is crazy.

"How the hell do you know that?" you and Sirius say at the same time, looking at each other, but in the next moment, you avert your gaze.

"I can't explain it exactly. Maybe a bonus for being your creator. Something I will regret for the rest of my existence. I would never dream of hurting you. You need to know that." Remus says, approaching you, extending his hand to offer some comfort with a touch on your arm, but you push him away. Looking into his eyes, you feel a shiver down your spine. You look at Lupin with a certain fear, once again overwhelmed by the sensation of dying in that forest.

"There's a lot going on here. All of this is already confusing enough as it is. So you both listen carefully. I need some time, without being in the middle of your relationship, without being a werewolf, and especially without someone knowing how I feel. I hate being so radical, but I'd like some distance from both of you. I'm going to ask McGonagall to change rooms and I'll try my best to avoid you. I suggest you do the same." You speak amid your mental confusion, lack of sleep, and all the drama surrounding your life at the moment, driving you crazy. As soon as you finish speaking, you feel a tightness in your chest, as if someone had just hurt you emotionally. Damn, this thing of feeling what the other feels is a mutual situation.

"You don't have to do this. We can figure this out together," Sirius says, gently holding your arm. You take his hand and push it away from you.

"You didn't understand me. It's settled. You both go on with your lives as if I'm not here, and I'll go on with mine. If we had done this before, maybe things wouldn't be so messed up." You say, looking at him and then at Lupin. Both of them look upset, and deep down, so are you. But it's for the best. You then leave the ballroom and head to your room.

[the-chosen-fanfiction]

John the Apostle | Thunder Blues | Platonic

Dialogue prompt: “Are you serious right now?"

Requested: Yes

When the younger Son of Thunder is upset that he has to stay behind in Capernaum to wait for Simon, you comfort him, reassuring that Jesus knows best.

The Apostles have gathered at Jesus’ behest. Sitting next to John, you watch both Andrew and Philip as they reveal that their ministry has brought more harm than good in the Decapolis. 

Jesus, across from the two, nods in understanding as they conclude their rather distressing story.

“Aha… And… What was your strategy to clarify it?”

Philip takes a sharp breath. “Well, we uh… We told, uhm…” 

“We-We-We tried to… Uh, to tell one of Your parables.” Andrew stutters. It is clear that both of them feel embarrassed. 

“Parables! Good!” Jesus praises, “That’s what I would have done.”

“Which parable?”

Philip clears his throat. “The… The Banquet.”

“You know, the one where guests give excuses not to come and so, everyone else gets invited.”

Next to you, John huffs in disbelief. “You chose the Banquet?” You put a hand on his arm, trying to push him back into his seat, trying to not escalate the situation. You know that the two feel humiliated enough as is by coming clean about their troubled mission.

“People get upset by that one.” Nathanael adds.

“Of course they do.” Jesus hums, but there is no hint of accusation in His voice. 

Andrew lets out an anxious noise: “Well, if it makes you feel any better, we first considered the Wheat and the Tares but… We thought better of it.”

“I already told you,” Jesus patiently explains, “Some people wouldn’t understand that parable.”

“I’m not even sure I understand the Wheat and the Tares.” Thomas adds. You give him an understanding look.

Jesus lets out a soft chuckle and winks. “Give it time.”

Philip sighs. “The problem is that they did understand the parable and it caused fights in the street–”

“Rioting.” Andrew emphasises. “Between Jews and Gentiles.”

Jesus lets out a soft hum as Philip carries on. “Leander has told us it’s getting worse every day. The prominent Hellenistic priest has changed his ways, which is good, but… When he abdicated his duties as priest and leader, others tried to fill the void, and so projects are going undone and people are just angry, and blaming each other for everything.”

Next to you, John has a concerned look over his features. You put a hand on his arm and gently squeeze, at which he smiles a bit wistfully at you. 

“It led to stealing,” Andrew says, “Fights in the streets… Many people are actually leaving their homes to escape the violence.” The final part of his sentence is a whisper. You can sense the shame he feels. 

Big James stands with his arms crossed. “That’s the violence You suggest sending us into?” 

Brief silence fills the room as all eyes turn to Jesus. “What part of the parable caused this fight to break out?”

“The people outside the city.” Philip answers. “The ones on the highways and the hedges, the last to be invited and the last to accept the invitation.”

Jesus draws a sharp breath. “That’s what I suspected.”

John leans forward. “Speaking of which - the highways and the hedges - does that actually refer to Gentiles?” 

A deep sigh leaves the Messiah. “He who has ears to hear, let him hear. We leave in the morning. Everyone go home and gather your things. We take to the highways and hedges before dawn.” 

The Disciples go to stand, and next to you, John still looks worried. As Jesus speaks to comfort Philip and Andrew, you whisper in John’s direction. 

“Hey, you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m just… Thinking.” he mutters. “How this might affect our ministry. What it might mean for us. If we must fight, then so be it. We’ve got strong men on our side who would be strong and capable in battle. I’m certain we’ll be able to snuff out this riot before it escalates even further.” 

Before you can reply that you don’t feel like the Messiah is aiming at such an approach, Jesus gets up from His seat, grabbing a few empty cups. “John, may I have a word?”

John picks up his head and looks up at his Teacher. “Yes, Rabbi.” He gives you a small smile as he gets up, and you nod at him. 

“Good luck, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Of course. Shalom, (Y/n), have a good night.”

“Sleep well, John. Shalom shalom.”

As you watch him head after Jesus, Who is currently rinsing out the cups, you let out a sigh. Being John’s childhood friend, you know better than anyone of his oftentimes brash nature out of sheer passion and dedication. 

The soft look in Jesus’ eyes, however, ensures you that He will take care of things. You smile at Him and stand to leave the house and find your own instead, giving Him a nod in greeting.

He mirrors it and turns to John, giving the former fisherman a special task.

_

The next morning, you’re sitting at Matthew’s old place, spending some time with Mary and Tamar as they work on their small business.

“Perhaps you should stay behind with us.” Tamar muses, “Help us out here.”

You shift and shake your head, smiling. “And miss out on all the tension? Hm, I’ve got a feeling that this is going to be a pivotal moment. The last thing I want is to be left out.”

As other followers of Jesus come trickling in, you check your belongings one final time - an extra tunic, a full waterskin, and another pair of sandals. On the bottom of your bag sits a stale piece of bread, so you toss it out. 

“Jesus is here,” Nathanael loudly announces, “Time to go!” 

Everyone moves to the door, momentarily gathering outside the building, where Jesus is patiently waiting for everyone. You follow the group as one of the final people to leave, putting the strap of your bag over your shoulder, getting ready to leave.

Before exiting the building, however, you halt on the threshold, turning to look inside the house one last time. Upon noticing John pouting as he is leaned against the wall, you frown slightly.

“Hey, John. What is going on? Come on, we have to go.”

He huffs and crosses his arms over his chest even tighter. “I’m fine, (Y/n). You wouldn’t get it.”

Planting a hand on your hip, you approach him. “What are you on about? By the way, where is your bag?”

John clicks his tongue, barely looking at you, muttering something under his breath that you cannot quite understand. 

“Sorry, I didn’t catch that.” 

He sighs. “Jesus wants me to stay here in Capernaum so I could wait for Simon.”

“He still hasn’t showed up, then?”

John lets out an exasperated sound. “No, he obviously hasn’t! Which is what frustrates me so much!”

“Why?”

“Because I want to come, too!” He looks at you with an expression that is nothing short of frustrated. “Everyone is getting to go out there with Jesus and witness perhaps a massive turning point in this ministry, and I get waiting duty! I want to go, too! I am also part of this group! He calls me beloved, so I must be important enough to see it too, right? I can’t stand it.”

You watch him for a long moment, slightly narrowing your eyes in thought. “Are you serious right now?" you question, although there is no reproach in your tone.

John grows restless under your scrutiny, exhaling sharply. 

“What, are you going to judge me for that?”

Pursing your lips, you hum. “John, son of Zebedee. This is not about you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” he snaps. 

In spite of his anger, you remain calm. “I’ve known you forever, John. You’re always so keen on staying in the loop of things, which is a great trait to have. You are inquisitive, passionate, eager to learn. I admire that about you, my friend.”

His expression softens. “Huh, thank you for your kind words. But what does that have to do with anything?”

You step closer, putting a hand on his arm to comfort him. “Jesus loves you. He loves all of us. This entire ministry, however, does not revolve around us. About what we see, or about what we do, or about what He does for us. It is about what He does for them.” You nod at the door behind you, “For the world out there. For those who are weary, and wounded, and in need of healing.”

You pause, sighing.

“I know that it is difficult to possibly not be there when something pivotal happens, but it is not a given that we get to witness every single thing that will happen for the glory of Adonai. Besides, a lot has to happen behind the scenes. If Jesus did not need you to be here to wait for Simon, He wouldn’t have asked you to.”

“Jesus said that the success of this mission depends on Simon.”

You smile. “See, there you have it. Jesus can use you in many ways, even if you are not directly at His side.”

John lets out a sigh and lowers his gaze. Regretful about his outburst, he folds his hands in front of him. “I know.”

“Our plans do not always match up with His plans, but you trust Him regardless, hm?”

“I do. More than anything.”

Nodding, you pat his shoulder in a friendly manner. “Then we should not always rely on our own understanding of a situation. You might not be satisfied that you have to wait now, but in the long run, that feeling will make sense, and you will be glad that you indeed waited for Simon.”

The wry smile on John’s face makes place for a brighter one. He tilts his face back up, smiling.

“I hadn’t thought of it this way yet, (Y/n). Thank you for your perspective, that was very meaningful, and I can now see the value a bit better of Jesus asking me to stay behind.” He sighs, his smile slightly shrinking. “Although I am still a bit upset, how can I not be? You guys are going to get to the Decapolis! I wish I could be there right with you!”

“But Simon is necessary for the success of this trip, according to Jesus. Trust Him in this, too. Completely, okay?”

John sighs and nods. “Okay.” he says, exhaling. “Okay.”

You smile, stepping away from him. “Good.” you say, “I will see you soon, okay?”

He hums in acknowledgement and gives you a small wave, appearing way more positive now. “Thank you for your words. Safe travels, (Y/n). We will see each other before we know it.”

Nodding kindly, you agree to what he said and head after the others, finding them just outside the house. Big James puffs out his cheeks as he sees you and lets air escape slowly, knowing that you had to deal with a pouting John. However, you give him a small smile in turn. 

“Things will be alright with John,” you reassure his older brother, “He just needed another perspective on things to see that the task Jesus gave him is valuable in and of itself.”

“That is good to hear, (Y/n),” Big James states as you walk together into the outskirts of the village, following the group of Disciples. “Plus,” he adds, “It means we won’t have to deal with his nagging for a few hours at least.”

Chuckling, you shake your head, knowing that John feels useless regardless of the importance of his task, and bump a fist against James’ shoulder. 

“Tch, as if you nag less than he does. That you two haven’t physically chatted my ears off at this point is a miracle to say the least.”

James rolls his eyes, but cannot fight the grin that spreads over his face. 

“Fine, it means you won’t have to deal with half of the nagging.”

[read-and-write-]

Writing Roundup 2023

here they come at the very last minute doing the tag games

Thank you to @anincompletelist @littlemisskittentoes @happiness-of-the-pursuit @songliili @rockyroadkylers @hgejfmw-hgejhsf @bidoofenergy @inexplicablymine for tagging me! Even if I've been putting this off for weeks!

January

Nope

February

Not yet

March

the only heaven i'll be sent to is when i'm alone with you (M - 1.9k - The Shadowhunter's Chronicles) “You’re lying.” Ty furrowed his brows, Kit thought for a moment he had been discovered but it was impossible, as clever as Ty was he wasn’t a mind reader. “’m not lying.” “You are” “How could you know that?” “I don’t know, I just feel it” Ty shrugged, and for a second Kit just wanted to say it, to spill it out, but how could you tell the person you considered your best friend I just keep thinking how good it would feel to kiss you. or Even when the world might end the only thing Kit is able to think about is a boy.

April

I was reading actual books here

May

Nada

June

you are an idiot (i missed you)  (T- 1.6k- All for the Game) “The best, and arguably the only, good part of playing on opposing teams from your husband was getting to play a match against him. Therefore one could say that Neil was very excited about getting to play against Andrew tonight. Not only because for the first time since the season started they'd finally be in the same State and City (And later after the game, the same house) but also because Neil thought Andrew was 100% hotter when he was playing (Not that he would tell him out loud), and seeing him live was definitely better than seeing him on a screen. There was also the added bonus of the infamous Minyard - Josten Rivalry.” Or Neil and Andrew are having too much fun with their rivalry until someone else takes it too seriously, and then they have a talk.

i don't want you to be a secret (but i want them to shut up) (T- 2.6k- All for the Game) "The kiss tastes like victory, like happiness, like love. And suddenly it doesn’t matter what the press will write about them, or what the audience or the other players are thinking, because it’s their moment. It’s public, it’s loud, it’s bound to cause a scandal, but it’s theirs" or Neil is getting tired of the press writing about him and Andrew, and Andrew comes up with a way to help.

July

self-preservation (G- 2.4 - All for the Game) “You have to know something” “Something like what?” Kevin answered, his tone was hostile, but none of the other two seemed to notice. “Like, if they are…?” Jones started, letting the question hang, Kevin cocked an eyebrow, as if daring Jones to finish the sentence, he didn’t. “Not that we would have a problem with that, we are huge allies, right?” The other rushed to say, nudging the man by his side, who nodded eagerly as he added, “Yeah, yeah, huge allies” or Professional Exy players have a lot to say about Neil and Andrew, but they also don't have a death wish and no one dares to ask (Until they don't have to ask anymore)

It's terrifying to have you in front of me (and making you smile) (T- 1.3k- All for the Game) Loving Neil used to terrify Andrew, he waited for Neil to disappear, to be taken away from him, to do something that will make Andrew leave him. But he never did; Neil stayed, and he took what Andrew could give him without complaints, he waited patiently and spoke softly even if he hadn’t been built for it, he never took without permission and never ran. He made a thousand promises and he made sure he never broke a single one. A yes at a time Andrew let himself love Neil, the key, the car, the home, the shared bunk bed. The roof, the promises, the plans. The rings. The words. or A glimpse at Neil and Andrew's relationship through the years and the things that make it theirs

August

las formas de llamarte amor (M- 2.5k- Red, White and Royal Blue) Henry has been a public figure for most of his life, the reason why he’s been given dozens of titles, some kinder than others, he’s been the gay prince, the spare, the prince of England's hearts, the activist, the author. All of the titles are inevitably a part of his history, but the way Alex calls him is the most important of all. Because to Alex, he is sweetheart, amor, and corazón; Alex calls him mi vida in between kisses and whispers hermoso, lindo, precioso with his wandering hands working through Henry’s body. His name sounds better when it comes out of Alex’s lips. or 5 times Alex calls Henry a pet name in Spanish and one time he calls him by his name or Henry learns Spanish one pet name at a time

and every song reminds me of you (G- 4k- Red, White and Royal Blue) Alex can’t help but smile — Henry is not a great dancer, but the mere sight of Henry dancing merengue because of him is more than enough. His heart swells in his chest, despite the awkwardness of Henry’s movements; there’s something that’s more special about him getting to do this with him. “You know, there was actually this trend a few years ago,” Alex starts as he guides Henry’s hands to his shoulders and then positions his own on Henry’s hips. Henry hums but doesn’t look at Alex, too focused on trying to keep his feet moving the way Alex had taught him. Alex finds it adorable. “People said that you had to dance this song with the love of your life.” or Music is a part of Alex's life, just as much as Henry is, so it is inevitable that sometimes the songs remind Alex of him. (And then remind Henry of Alex)

a love to hold in words (ongoing -Red, White and Royal Blue) A Drabble Collection from The Brownstones 100-word drabble prompts

September

when she was here the path was clear (and she was just here) (T- 3.8k- Red, White and Royal Blue) Alex feels the tears prickling in the corners of his eyes, it’s as if his breath got knocked out of his chest, the pressure of grief weighing him down. He feels Henry standing closer behind him, his husband's hand hovering above his back, asking for permission to touch him. Alex moves back a little and leans his body against Henry's, closing his eyes and focusing on the rhythm of his husband’s heartbeat and matching his own breaths with his. "What do you need, love?" Henry whispers, pressing a kiss to the side of Alex's head. Alex lets out a shuddery breath. “She’s not here, Hen, she’s not here anymore.” or when Alex's abuelita dies he finds a house full of memories and stories to remember and to tell.

yo te llevo dentro, hasta la raíz (G- 546- Red, White and Royal Blue) Seeing you grow up has been one of the greatest privileges of our lives, being able to be with you in every step of the way. And we hope, I hope, if you let me, to be with you for the rest of it. Te amo. Te amamos. De aquí a las estrellas que siempre tuvieron planeado poderte conocer. Tu papi, Alex. or A letter from Alex to his daughter on her quinces

October

Y hace falta que te diga que me muero (por tener algo contigo) (G- 1.6k- Red, White and Royal Blue) “Nora, I have a very important question.” Alex says, it’s been a few hours since he got asked about him and Henry, he’s wrapping up his school day and he has not been able to pay attention to any classes because he’s been thinking about Henry. Henry and him. Henry and him dating. Dating? “No, we are not dating again. Go get someone else,” Alex realizes too late he’s been thinking out loud, his cheeks feel warm. It’s rare that he gets flustered by something like this, he’s always flirty, it’s almost second nature, and this is Nora who has definitely heard worse coming from him, but that’s the effect Henry has on him. “It’s not that!” Alex exclaims and Nora laughs, Alex takes a moment to gather his thoughts into a question. “Am I dating Henry?” Nora glares at him, her eyebrow raised. “How am I supposed to know that, Alejandro?” or the one where Alex is oblivious but no less determined to tell Henry how he feels

un hilo de pensamientos (de cosas que no se deben olvidar) (T- 2.1k- Red, White and Royal Blue) La campaña, Henry, salir del closet, los emails. Lentamente el divorcio de sus padres pasa a segundo, hasta tercer lugar. Tiene problemas más grandes, una relación, una plaza en NYU. Con cada año que pasa Alex deja de recordar las peleas, recuerda los gritos como una imagen vaga de un tiempo alejado de la persona que es ahora. Pero su cuerpo nunca las olvida; siente su sangre helarse cuando a su alrededor alguien levanta la voz, un escalofrío le recorre la espalda cuando se sienta a la mesa a comer con su familia, se le hace un nudo en el estómago cuando Henry se tarda en contestarle. O en el que Alex debe enfrentarse a las consecuencias que el divorcio de sus padres tuvo en él.

a train of thought (of things not to forget) (T- 2k- Red, White and Royal Blue) The campaign, Henry, coming out, the emails – slowly, his parents' divorce slips to second, even third place. He has bigger problems, a relationship, a place at NYU. With each passing year, Alex forgets the fights, he remembers the screams as a vague image from a time far removed from the person he is now. But his body never forgets them: he feels his blood run cold when someone raises their voice around him, a shiver runs down his spine when he sits at the table to eat with his family, and a knot forms in his stomach when Henry takes too long to reply. or Alex needs to face the consequences of his parents divorce

November

to belong to a family (even beyond this world) (G- 2.5k- Red, White and Royal Blue) “Talk to him. They listen, they always listen,” Ligia says and Henry nods, she squeezes his hand again before turning back and leaving him alone in front of the ofrenda. It's very rare that Henry has been at a loss for words when he tries to talk to his father. He has spent countless nights speaking to the stars, looking for Orion and hoping that —wherever his father is— he is looking for it too. “Hi dad,” Henry says softly, taking another look at the picture of his father, smiling at the camera. “I missed you.” or When Alex and Henry go to Mexico for Día de Muertos a familiar face appears on the Díaz ofrenda

December

Super Six and the Siren's Call (T - 111k - Red, White and Royal Blue) with @happiness-of-the-pursuit and @inexplicablymine “Alex didn’t ask to be a half-blood, and he definitely didn’t ask to die before he hit sixteen on a Tuesday morning. But apparently beggars can’t be choosers. Not that Alex had ever begged for anything in his life… Except maybe for a dog, but he maintains that was a reasonable request to ask of his parents. Well, parent.” Or Camp Half-Blood and the Super Six have never seen a villain quite like this.

This year was a crazy year, and even with everything that happened in my life I never thought I would find myself here, writing fic again, obssesing over one fandom, meeting so many people and getting so many pocket friends that I'm forever grateful for, I wish I can see more of y'all in 2024 and I hope to stay here to write my silly little words for a while<3

Take this as an open tag if you want it, but I think most people have already been tagged or already done it, i did leave this for the last... 50 minutes of 2023

[ardent-fox]

✨ Tag Game Master Post ✨

Hi, all! Catching up on these two games I was tagged in during the holidays 💖

First up, thank you to the lovely @lupeloto for creating and tagging me in this fun Tag Game! 🥰

📺 Favorite tv show? At the moment, Our Flag Means Death (shields self from tomatoes being thrown at her 😁)

🕴️ Favorite character? Oof, this is difficult. Gonna have to go with my precious baby boy, Stede

💋 Favorite relationship in the show? Blackbonnet (shocking, I know)

👯‍♂️ Fav sibling relationship in the show? No blood relations but the entire crew is chosen family, so… all of them?

🎨 Favorite art form? Music, with a heavy focus on lyrics/words

⚡️ A talent you wish you had? Being able to draw would be cool

☀️ What is one thing that can always make your day better? My toddler nephew saying the most hilarious things, he's barely 3 and already the funniest person I know

🎬 Favorite fictional character of all time? Atticus Finch (any works he appears in besides To Kill a Mockingbird do not count)

🌅 Dream place to travel to? Thailand or Ireland (either "land" would do, get it? 🧍‍♀️ ...I'll see myself out)

🎈 You’re planning a huge party, what’s the theme? The Masque of the Red Death, get fancy and spooky, bitches 🎭💀

🍕 Favorite pizza topping of all time? All kinds of cheese and extra mushrooms

🥂 You can pick ONE celebrity to have dinner with… Who? Andrew Garfield, {Marge Simpson voice} I just think he's neat

🎥 Favorite movie that you kinda know is bad but you still love? Rocky Horror Picture Show 👄

👖 How would you describe your style? The "I gained a substantial amount of weight in the past 5 years and haven't bought anything new since, so I now wear whatever I can fit into and lots of dresses and skirts cause pants are uncomfortable and shopping for them is a nightmare" style 😬

🖤 Finally, something making you smile this week? My mom's reaction to a present she really wanted, seeing her that touched was soul ascending ✨

----

Next, I got tagged by @deedala, @tanktopgallavich, @suzy-queued and @lupeloto to complete this round of Weekly Tag Wednesday, thank you my darlings! 💙

Name: Lyds

Location: Unknown location in Europe

Astrological Sign: Taurus squaaaad ♉

What's a TV show or movie you plan to re-watch this year? Hubby has never seen Giant, so I'll be rewatching it soon as well as some other classics like Some Like It Hot and Philadelphia Story, I'm sure I'll rewatch Frankie and Johnny for the umpteenth time as well. As far as shows go, I rewatch Our Flag Means Death at least once a month since it's my comfort show, and might do a Shameless rewatch since I've only seen the whole thing once (excluding all the Gallavich scenes)

What's a book or fic you will probably re-read this year? The entirety or The Menagerie by @crossmydna and Honeycomb by @metalheadmickey with artwork by @heymrspatel 💕

What is a song you will likely continue to play on repeat? I've been replaying One Of Your Girls by Troye Sivan for days and don't plan on stopping anytime soon, also still listening to Hozier's entire Unreal Unearth album whenever I'm chilling

What's a tasty treat you look forward to eating more of this year? Gonna steal Ri's answer here and say cinnamon buns, as well as my husband's homemade pizza rolls that I previously mentioned, as they're our favorite thing to eat while binge-watching

What's a time sink that you will continue to sink time into this year? Scrolling this beloved hellsite

Did you pick up any habits in 2023 that you plan to continue? Only unhealthy ones that I plan on ridding myself of in 2024 👋

What's your toxic trait? Inflexibility and freaking out when things don't turn out the way I've planned

What is a coping mechanism you will continue to indulge in this year? Staying in my burrow with my hyperfixations

Tell me something you like about how you look! My full, rosy lips against my smooth, pale skin

Give me at least three adjectives describing things you like about yourself. Honest, open-minded, creative 🌸

I'm out of the loop (which is about to change since I celebrated the last of the festivities today) and haven't been keeping up with the tags lately, but am still going to tag some peeps if you want to do either or both of these: @heymrspatel, @stocious, @too-schoolforcool, @xninetiestrendx, @krysmiss, @sleepyfacetoughguy, @michellemisfit, @whatwouldmickeydo, @vintagelacerosette, @metalheadmickey, @rereadanon, @francesrose3, @darlingian and anyone who sees this and wants to play! ✨

[theweedisasterxoxo]

Open My Eyes (So I May See Your Love)

Fic Pairing: Joel Miller x F!Reader

Chapter Warnings/Content: mention of canon-typical violence, description of pain, implied intentions of assault (not by Andrew), nicknames/petnames (“Sunshine”, “Babe”, “Kid”, “Doll”), reader is moderately able-bodied, no use of Y/N, no set age for reader but it is implied that she wasn’t born yet or was very young when the outbreak started, mention of prayer (deity not mentioned, nor is the way of praying apart from Andrew being on his knees with his eyes closed) no physical descriptors in terms of reader’s height or weight.

Word Count: 4000 (exactly!!!)

—

ii. Amen, Or Whatever

Morning arrives and the sun shines in a way one could only describe as obnoxious, reminding Andrew that he has managed to live another day. He’s grateful for your help, of course, but he is surprised that you managed to pull him back before he plummeted off the ledge leading straight for a dark future.

Perhaps, if this were any other situation or if you knew him better, you might have rubbed in a cheeky ‘I told you so’. You might have gloated over your success, but that felt wrong — premature, almost — because it’s really only been a few hours and you don’t want to set yourself up for that type of heartbreak. You can’t bear to think of how you’d feel if the expectation of him surviving was somehow shattered.

You exhale in one quick whoosh.

Still, you allow yourself to think, trying to keep up the effort of staying positive about the situation, He’s alive. He made it.

By no means had it been easy for him. His night had been filled by painful contractions of his limbs that contorted his body into positions you didn't know were humanly possible. They left him with spasming muscles that guided forced his hands into tightly curled fists, or turned his back into a mighty arch while his face twisted into an ugly expression of his agony. Because it was ugly — none of that could have been considered beautiful, like moonlight reflecting off of a lake — and it was frightening. Sometimes, he tried to vocalise the pain but all that escaped him were hollow exhales that sounded like a dying man’s last breath. No, you didn’t like that comparison at all.

And, as much as he was struggling, it wasn’t easy for you either; you recall how much of a vile thing it was to have watched this stranger be reduced to such a state. How, occasionally, you would reach your hand out to offer him what little physical comfort you could give — a hand on his arm, or wiping the sweat away from his forehead — all while you tried to fill the silence. Perhaps they were silly, the things you spoke about, but he seemed to appreciate it. The idle chatter about things you read from dusty books, or about gossip immortalised in a teen’s writing from journals that were abandoned long ago.

It’s Andrew’s hacking cough that brings you back into the present, reminding you that he’s alive. As your neck turns, snapping your head to look in his direction, it’s like he can sense the question on the tip of your tongue. He answers it before you can even ask, raising his free hand in a conciliatory gesture as he tells you, “I’m fine, Sunshine. I breathed wrong, that’s all.”

You nod and remind yourself, silently, that he’s fine. He’s alive. And it’s that fact alone that brings up a warm and pleasant hybrid-sense of accomplishment and pride. It blossoms deep in your chest — though it is short lived because the feeling withers and shrivels like a rose tossed into a fire, because he speaks up once more. He looks away from you, like he’s ashamed, when he says, “I should go, then.”

And with all of the grace of a goose with a broken wing trying to take flight, one of the most confused honks of a ‘Huh’ escapes your lips.

“I should go,” he finally manages between coughs. When Andrew looks back at you, though, his gaze softens — but only by a fraction. “I’d only slow you down. Ain’t that right, Sunshine?”

You scoff after he says this. The sound leaves you so quickly that, had you not felt the air being forced from your chest and resonating briefly in the back of your throat, you would not have realised it was your own. “No,” you tell him, and your answer is purely for selfish reasons; you have not given up your time or your valuable resources just for him to up and leave, potentially walking himself into his own death. That’s something you don’t want on your conscience. So, you glare at him as you break the silence that has settled between you two, eyes narrowing. “We stick together.”

“You don’t owe me anything,” Andrew says, and his voice is as stern as he can possibly get it before a ripple of pain travels through his abdomen, “I never asked for—“

“You absolutely did.” You’re vaguely aware that your voice has grown a little louder, a little harsher, but it’s not what you want to focus on right now. “You asked for my help, so I’m giving it to you… No take-backsies.”

The man begins a gentle protest. He shakes his head while a gentle utterance of the nickname he’s attributed to you falls from his lips, but you’re having none of it.

“Andrew,” a look of utter displeasure tugs at your features. It morphs your lips into a soft frown and furrows the inner corners of your brows. It’s not a look that suits you at all, much too grim and hopeless. “I’m staying with you. End of.”

“Look—“

You raise your hands quickly with your palms facing him, hoping and pleading silently for him to just listen. “One week,” you say, “one week and then I’m gone. I swear.”

He grumbles at this, which you translate him as weighing out his options; he can stay with you for a better chance of survival or he can wander off alone and face the probability of kicking the bucket. Eventually, he looks back into your eyes. The nod he gives looks as if he’s been forced at gunpoint, but it’s a nod nonetheless. “One week, Sunshine.”

\\\\\

“Is it true that people really used to drive miles and miles in these things?” You ask, watching Andrew as he settles himself in the driver’s seat next to you after firmly closing the door behind him. Rain falls heavily outside and bounces off the windshield.

He leans his head against what’s left of the headrest, hands gripping and gliding over the faded, worn faux-leather of the steering wheel in some sort of muscle memory. “If they had a licence and the gas for it, yeah.”

“Did you?”

He repeats the question with a chuckle and turns his head to cast his dark eyes on your face, watching as your own eyes flit over his features with an eagerness for him to continue. So he acquiesces, “Yeah, I did.”

“Where’d you go then?”

“Honestly,” he says, looking back at his hands as they go still on the wheel, thinking back to Before, “not very far. Work, shops, home, perhaps a late-night drive if I felt so inclined.”

“Well, that’s boring,” you promptly tell him. You shuffle your body in an attempt to get more comfortable but this car is decades old and the interior has definitely seen better days. Then, after a few seconds, you add, “I would have.”

Andrew laughs at this statement from you. It’s a proper, full-on belly laugh more similar to a dog’s bark. You’re glad to hear it, though. To see it, because you know that he would not have dared to laugh like that a few months ago. Not when every breath he took seemed like it could be his last. You only know this because you’ve been travelling with him for well over a week now because, by the end of his third day with you in the initial time period you had set, he realised that your only motivation was to help him. He couldn’t hold a grudge against you for that (not that he’d want to, anyway). Then, by the end of the first month, he had made peace with the steadily growing companionship between the two of you. Andrew had even been so kind as to restring your bow to give it a faster draw speed. After that, as much as he would have hated to admit it, the idea of parting from you seemed wrong. Staying with you felt much more natural.

“Nah,” he tells you, “you’d have gotten bored after the first ten minutes of driving.”

With a mock-scandalised expression pulling at your features, trying desperately to hide your smile, you raise one of your hands to your chest. “Nuh-uh!”

To combat this, Andrew employs the eternally convincing and very adult argument of ‘Yuh-huh’ in between his steadying wheezy laughs. “Look at yourself right now, Sunshine,” he chuckles. “You can hardly sit still.”

There’s an amicable silence that grows between the two of you while you lean forward to explore the dashboard with your hands, running your fingers over the grooves and suspiciously-shaped indents. Only a few moments pass before you find the glove compartment and try to open it, eagerly pulling at it. When it doesn’t budge you hear a sort-of scoff from Andrew, who reaches over and pushes the compartment’s cover inwards before it springs open. There’s nothing special inside it aside from a few stiff tissues that you’d rather not know the contents of, so you sigh and lean back against the carseat again which is when you catch the sliver of silver metal. Then, despite the fact that you’re living in a dangerous world where people set traps in the most mundane and unassuming places, you reach in and pull the object out. You’re almost excited to find that it’s a small gun, perhaps a little smaller than a revolver and it doesn’t share the trademark cylinder of a revolver. Instead, there’s a short barrel with two bores.

“No way!” You all but exclaim as you weigh it in your hand, using a light bouncing motion, feeling the cool metal in your palm.

“You gotta be careful with that,” Andrew warns, his brows beginning to furrow when he reaches out to carefully remove the gun from your barely-there grasp. “Jeez.”

“I wasn’t even touching the trigger.”

“Accidents happen, kid,” he says, even though it’s more of a grumble, as he checks the glove compartment for any additional ammo. He’s pleased to find that there is, disregarding the convenience of it, and he tucks the small box away into one of his pockets. Then, he continues speaking, “And I, for one, don’t feel like havin’ any more holes forced into my body — or yours for that matter.”

“So,” you murmur, drawing out the ‘O’ when you turn to look at him again, ignoring what he’d just said. You cast your gaze down to the gun. “Can I keep it?”

Both of his eyebrows raise when he hears your question. Despite still being focused on the weapon in his hand, he tilts his head towards you. “That depends,” he starts as his nimble fingers work to put on the Safety and discard the old ammo, “do you know how to use it?”

Your silence tells him your answer.

“Then, no, you may not keep it.”

“But what if we get into trouble again? What if—”

He cuts you off by speaking up, resting his none-weapon-bearing hand on your knee in a comforting gesture, “Have I let anything happen so far, Sunshine?”

His question leaves you retreating into silence with your lips pressed in a tight line because you both know the answer to it is a hard no. To his credit, he’s strong willed and would much rather have blood on his hands and guilt on his conscience than see you in danger.

In fact, it was only a week ago that you watched in horror (and morbid fascination) as Andrew took the life of a man who had ambushed you. Of course it wasn’t your first time seeing death, but to have seen it being carried through on your behalf was different. You’d been ambushed by what Andrew called a hunter, a man who’d taken you both by surprise and tried to enact his scheme to rob you of your supplies. However, when he saw you, his plan changed and he’d uttered the most vile things about you. The hunter had even attempted to bargain with Andrew for some one-on-one time with you, but had just… stopped all of a sudden. Your companion had not only crossed the space in what must have been a record time, but he’d manoeuvred himself to be in front of the hunter so that you couldn’t see exactly what was happening. It was obvious from the sickening crunchy-crack of his neck bone that Andrew had broken it. One second, filth had permeated the air and the next the only sound that you could determine was a wheezing, gurgling breath as the light left the hunter’s eyes. It may not have been entirely necessary but Andrew sealed the deal with the heel of his boot to the dead man’s skull, before turning back to lead you away from the corpse. His words had been so tender in comparison, ensuring that you were okay despite not having been touched.

“Then you know you can trust me,” Andrew says gently, and you snap back to reality once more. A deep sigh builds up and then escapes. You do trust him and you want to tell him as much, but he gives a single shake of his head in a gesture that tells you everything that you need to know: you’re young and he understands how scary that is, much more with how confusing and terrifying this world has become, but he has things under control.

\\\\\

It’s been a few weeks since you found the gun in the glove compartment of that car. Andrew told you it’s a Derringer and you nodded along, as if that meant anything to you in the first place.

In between hikes across Idaho and pinky promises the pair of you had made in the dead of night, you found yourself sending up your thanks to a nameless deity in a silent expression of your gratitude that you had survived thus far. Perhaps it’s Andrew’s influence, you reason. You've heard him pray enough times now, and you can’t deny that it sometimes brings comfort to your soul when you hear the way he carefully offers up his words, with his head bowed down and eyes closed in focus.

Now, you stand beside him in front of a large wooden gate, trying desperately not to cast your mind back to another time Andrew needed to protect you. Of course, he’d taught you how to defend yourself properly but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t strive to keep you safe like he promised. It’s admirable that he always kept the promises he made to you, and you always return the favour. Still, you hope for two things: the first being that the guards in the watchtower don’t take this as an ambush attempt and open fire on you before figuring the situation out; the second being that at least one person recognises you or is able to recall your name from the many years you lived there.

As the silence stretches on after you call out your name, you begin to worry. It doesn’t seem likely that your hopes will be met by a receptive audience until you hear the latch of the gate being lifted, preceded by a rough ‘Let them in!’

You’re surprised (moreso, grateful) when the gate opens, so you take hold of Andrew’s arm and pull him in with you before the guards change their minds. Someone — Earl, you manage to remember — checks you over to make sure you’re both okay. Not bitten.

It’s not long later that you’re making your way through the streets of the thriving community, your companion following closely behind you. He looks very much like a guard dog, if that dog had a look of wonder and excitement on his face at seeing a settlement that hadn’t collapsed or fallen into a routine of deep-rooted bitterness. The people on the streets that know you offer friendly smiles, while the ones who don’t offer slightly timid waves. It’s not a secret that the people of Jackson open up their community and their hearts to stragglers who have no ill-intentions.

\\\\\

Life is nice, you come to realise over the course of the month. There’s a balance that you had so painfully missed and now, even though it took longer than you would have liked for you to settle back into Jackson, it’s back. You manage to fall into your old routine and, considering the difficulties of re-entering such a tightly-knit community, you find it pleasant. You even pick up your old greenhouse duties and you enjoy going through the motions. You enjoy the repetitiveness — you take comfort in the knowledge of the predictability of the mundane actions you commit day in, day out. They ease your anxieties and help you to remember that none of the harshness of the ‘Outside World’ can be carried into the walls of Jackson.

It’s not just the gardening duties that you like, but the domestic life that you and Andrew have built together. Both of you live in the house that you resided in before you ran away, and you wonder what strings Maria had pulled to make sure your house stayed unoccupied throughout your absence. Regardless, it was cosy and familial, the routine you have created. Since you always worked late Andrew laid out a dinner for you both to enjoy upon your return, and you’d discuss the ins and outs of your days before hunkering down to play Boggle (he always lost). Sometimes he’ll tell you an idea he’s got for a bouquet and you get lost in your mind, thinking it’s strange that he uses his hands — those hands that once killed people who wanted to lay their own on you — to arrange such gorgeous bouquets out of the flowers that grow in and out of the Settlement’s walls.

More often than not, you catch yourself thinking about how nice it is to be back. Nothing mattered anymore; not your past, not the reason you ran away, nothing except the present.

\\\\\

“D’you have any screwdrivers?” You ask the woman manning the desk at the Jackson Trading Centre; she’s an old friend, one who had acted like a family member to you before you fled the scene, but she smiles at you like you never left. Still, she shakes her head and politely lets you know that the last time they had any screwdrivers in was last week. You sigh, If only the door screwed up last week, and you bite back a wince. You hate to be this person, the one who asks in the middle of a literal apocalypse, as if someone could simply nip out and restock, “Do you know when you might get any more in?”

She taps her nails on the desk, silent for a few seconds. You wonder if she’s thinking of telling you exactly what you just thought, but she just shrugs. “M’sorry, babe. I think the next supply run’ll be focusing on medical equipment and batteries.”

“Am I also out of luck for screws, then?” You ask. Behind you, a man joins the queue and you feel mildly sorry that you’re holding him up.

“Mm-mm,” she hums softly, “we’ve got plenty. What size do you need?”

At the utterance of that question you freeze because you aren’t entirely sure. You do know that it needs to be big enough to fit in part of a door, but only because that’s what Andrew told you. Andrew. Oh, how you wish he was standing with you now — or even instead of you — because he would know what to do. Unfortunately, that’s not the case at all. He’s off outside the Walls exploring a patch of recently-bloomed flowers. When you don’t answer, the man behind you shifts his weight from one foot to the other and you wonder if he’s getting impatient.

“I don’t know,” you finally say, wringing your hands nervously. “I just know I need it for my bathroom door because it keeps sticking and—”

“Babe, slow down, you’re talking a mile-a-minute. I can hardly understand what you’re saying.”

“My bathroom door keeps sticking,” you reiterate after taking a deep, shaky breath. “The guy I live with, Andrew, said we should get replacement screws t’see if it’d help. I don’t know what size.”

The man behind you leans forward until you can feel his breath just barely grazing past your ear. “Three inches,” he whispers softly but you can’t deny how much of a growl it sounds like. His Southern drawl brings the start and end of his words together.

“‘Scuse me?” You turn your head to look at him.

He’s standing up straight again, scratching slightly at his patchy beard. You don’t recall ever seeing him before. He’s older but is in mysteriously good shape, his broad frame taking up and catching your attention with how his brown T-shirt stretches over his torso and how his jeans cling to his legs. The scar over his nose is what catches your attention next, deep set and dark pink against his pale skin.

“Three-inch screws, doll. S’what you’ll need for your door.”

With a hope that he’s not messing with you, you turn back to relay the information to the woman at the counter. The silence, though not uncomfortable, permeates the air between everyone in the ‘shop’ — everyone being three people — as she pulls out an old tape measure to find the right size for you.

“Hey, uh, I could fix your door if you want,” the man says after a few moments of what you consider to have been quiet deliberation.

“Oh…” you murmur and it’s clear that you’re unsure of what to do; you know that Andrew could probably do the job himself, seeing as he’s the one who gave you the instructions, but you’re also aware that he has enough on his plate. Since he started working at the Florist’s, people have shown a massive appreciation for his work and it steadily built up into a never-ending workload. You look at the man in front of you again — he looks like a man who knows things, despite his intimidating appearance, and he can obviously be trusted because Maria would have sent him on his way if she suspected the slightest bit of danger from him.

“Consider it a welcome gift. No strings attached or nothin’.” The way his mouth forms the words makes it seem like his offer of kindness is a foreign concept to him. He continues, “Just one neighbour helpin’ out another neighbour.”

“I’m not new to Jackson.” You don’t mean to sound so defensive. You sigh. “I grew up here.”

“Well, I ain’t never seen you ‘round here in the last year, kid.” Now you understand. He must have arrived in the settlement ‘round about the same time you made your way out. So you did seem new to him. “Consider it a welcome back gift, then.”

“That’s very kind of you, uh…”

“Joel,” he tells you. “Joel Miller, if we’re bein’ all proper about it.”

In response you tell Joel your own name and he offers you a friendly smile before nodding in the direction of the counter. The woman - your old friend - has finally sorted out the screws for you so you pull out some fabrics from your bag and set them down for her to collect, picking up the screws swiftly afterwards. You’ve had the fabrics lying around for so long now that they’re no use to you at all, which is why you’re trading them in.

Before you leave, you shoot them both a ‘Thank you!’ and set a date for Joel to swing by. Then you rush home so you can get into your ‘work’ clothes for an afternoon in the greenhouses. As you do, you thank that nameless deity for having that man — that Joel — cross your path when you found yourself in a time of need… or maybe he was just there to trade things.

—

Previous Part | Next Part | Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist

—

we finally have a joel!! i wanted to write more for this chapter to get super in depth with andrew but it exhausted me to write this much with so many time skips!

tags!: @endlessthxxghts @strang3lov3 @joelsflower @beefrobeefcal @janaispunk

[k00299539]

LSAD Seminar 01: Colour Theory with Sylvia Shortall

What is Colour Theory?

In it's most basic form, colour theory is the study of how colours relate to one another and how this, in turn, affects our perception of them. The feeling or emotion evoked by a colour or combination thereof is of particular interest this field of study.

Above: An old RTE test card from 1978 recorded by Andrew Walmsley on Youtube.

The Medium Affects the Message

An important consideration when discussing clour and colour theory is through what medium the colour is being perceived. For instance I have two desktop monitors; A pen display for digital art and an old Dell monitor from a million years ago. Due to differences in technical specifications and calibration they display colour slightly differently. The pen display is marketed toward artists for its colour accuracy, whereas the Dell monitor was basically made to for looking at spreadsheets. If I slide a picture across from one monitor to the other, I can observe the colours change in real time. In this sense, the accuracy of colours is something we can take for granted.

Above: A video which explains digital colour and how images are projected onto monitors.

Enter PANTONE

So if we can't even trust a colour to look the same between two different monitors, how on earth can brands like Coca-Cola or Starbucks slap their logo on every conceivable product under the sun with one recognisable colour?

Well for better or worse the answer is Pantone LLC and their proprietary Pantone Matching System (PMS). Basically Pantone have a specific formula to render any given colour in any given format. For instance an average computer monitor recreates colour through backlighting hundreds of tiny pixels varying shades of red, green and blue. This is known as the RGB colour model, which is considered "additive" as the colours "add" together to create their intended effect. Print media on the other hand, uses the CMYK colour model. The is a "subtractive" colour model, where the cyan, magenta, yellow, and black (K) mask one another out gradually until the desired tone is created. Pantone somehow they were able to copyright this process and have people pay them for it. If it's not obvious, I hate Pantone and here's a video that should explain why:

Above: A good video about a bad company.

Janine Antoni - Loving Care, 1993

Sylvia actually recommended I research Janine Antoni for my project, so I was happy too see her work show up in this seminar. Personally I feel colour is one of the less important aspects of this particular piece, but all the same, it's roll can't be diminished either.

The use of commercial hair dye, Antoni's long hair and the act of mopping play into stereotypes of women and their gender defined "roles" in life. The gallery floor becoming covered in dye and the audience being gradually forced back out the door they came in can be seen as an act of reclamation. In this sense Antoni is challenging gender roles by using the traditionally feminine to accomplish the traditionally masculine. For me, it brings to mind the contrast between how men and women sit in public spaces, the phenomenon of "Man-spreading". Something that is seen as a faux pas for women but normalised for men. Antoni makes the viewer confront this kind of everyday sexism.

I think she choose a monochrome colour palette here for the contrast. The deep black on the brilliant white. The Yin and Yang of those shades is often said to represent men and women. I'm gonna move on now cause I'm really just rambling about a piece of art I enjoy.

Above: Hair dye charts bear a striking resemblance to Pantone swatch booklets.

Colour for Legibility

Many maps, such as the famous London Underground map designed by Harry Beck, use abstracted visuals and colour to distinguish between and make clear what might otherwise appear as confusing and arbitrary.

Above: You can tell me which one of these two maps is more legible...

Similarly road signs are specifically engineered in such a way as to be legible under any given time of day or weather condition, regardless of colour.

The Politics of Colour

Colour can mean a lot more than simple aesthetics. As Sylvia points out in the lecture, there can be strong political associations with specific colours. A powerful example of this is how our public post boxes in Ireland were mandated to be painted green after the country achieved independence from British colonial rule. In fact the shade of green was entirely arbitrary, one could argue the act was more about the removal of the distinctly British-associated shade of red, which itself speaks volumes of the power of colour.

A similar example of the political power of colour was the #Blackout campaign to protest against racism and police brutality following the killing of George Floyd.

Copyright and Colour

Left: Yves Klein, Center: Anish Kapoor, Right: Stuart Semple

A bit similar to Pantone and their patented method of matching colour, a number of artist have gained infamy for their roles in legal ownership and exclusive use of colour.

Yves Klein, an influential french artist and pioneer of performance art. Klein, in collaboration with Edouard Adam, created a vibrant blue, reminiscent of the lapis lazuli used in medieval paintings of the Virgin Mary. This shade was dubbed International Klein Blue or IKB. Klein registered this process with the French patent institute in 1960 but never formally patented it.

Renowned British-Indian artist Anish Kapoor, known for sculptures such as "The Bean" and Sky Mirror, was granted exclusive artistic use of the super-black coating Vantablack by it's creator Surrey NanoSystems in 2014. This provoked widespread criticism across the art world.

Kapoor drew particular criticism from Biritsh artist Stuart Semple. Semple, in retaliation to Kapoor's exclusive licensing of Vantablack released a shade of pink paint called "PINK – the world's pinkest pink paint" with the specific legal caveat that it could not be purchased by or for Anish Kapoor. This spurred him on toward a movement of democratising colour, creating affordable alternatives to patented shades such as the aforementioned Vantablack but also to Yves Klein's IKB and even an alternative to Pantone's matching system.

If it's not obvious I think artists have legal exclusivity to materials of any kind is an affront to art itself, and I'm happy to see people like Semple challenging the practice.

Above: Anish Kapoor's now iconic reply to Stuart Semple after getting his hands on PINK.

Stanley Whitney and Colour

Stanley Whitney is an American painter known for his use of colour and politically motivated art. I included a video above where he talks both about important political causes like contraceptive rights and also his feelings on colour.

What I admire specifically about Whitney's work is his persistent use of a loose grid as a composition. It highlights just how much emphasis he places on colour. What speaks to the viewer in a Stanley Whitney painting are the colours and their relationships between one another.

[lyon-amore]

With you until the end of the world Chapter 12

Chapter 11

*Angel POV*

It has crossed my mind to write to my parents beginning with ‘Mr and Mrs Connors, I must bring you the news that your daughter, Macie Connors, has passed away.’ How could I have thought of that? It's very cruel. I think it would be even worse if it did. No more sending letters. I know I told them to wait for the next one, but there will never be a next one. They will no longer receive letters from me. Even that is wrong too What if I just make it worse? Do I make them worry by waiting for the next letter and they think something has happened to me because they don't receive any? Every thought gets worse. 

I take all the envelopes and letters, putting them in a small bag to take them to throw away. Jake is checking the security of my phone, if anyone was able to look at anything on it while I was checking my emails. I guess I thought I was safe because it wasn't my phone, because all my information has already been lost. Maybe we really have put ourselves in danger. They will be waiting for the right moment to walk through the door. I take a deep breath, wanting to avoid getting paranoid. I move closer to Jack and get up to him. He is painting in his notebook.     “Jack, I need your help.” I tell him with a kind smile.     “It's a mission?” he asks excitedly.     “A mission that only we can do” he looks at me curiously and continues “, Since Jake is busy on a mission to investigate if someone has been able to break into my phone, we will have a mission to investigate someone.”     "Is there a bad guy coming for us?"     “Very possibly” I settle on the floor “Do you remember the man who picked up your doll?” he nods and continues.��Well, he's here, in Italy.”      He jumps up off the floor.     “We have to tell Jake!” He takes a step and I stop him.     “Wait!” I stop him and look at him nervously “We still don't know if the man is going for us.”     "Do we have to get information out of him?"     "Exactly" I try to explain slowly ", you should never accuse someone without proof, and if it turns out that it's someone who also happened to come here without looking for us, we might get him in trouble."      He starts to think about my words, until he smiles at me, nodding.     "But if it's not bad, don't let him be my new dad." he says with an angry tone.      I let out a laugh, hugging him.     "He won't be, I promise" I reply, leaving a kiss on her forehead ''. Well, this is what we will do.” 

I tell Jack how to get the information. We have to act like a normal family. Basically, Andrew believes we're not running or hiding. When we find out if he's an FBI agent, I'm going to tell Jake and give him the phone number so he can access his phone and investigate him his own way so he can avoid investigating us. And then we'll have to leave again. 

At nightfall, after everything that had happened, Jack wanted to sleep with us because he was worried about me. I look at him with a smile and hear a small laugh. I look up to see how Jake is looking at me. Funny.     "Are you better, mom?" He asks me laughing again.      I sigh rolling my eyes. I can't go back anymore.     "Okay, it doesn't bother me that he calls me mom" I answer quietly, not wanting to bother him ", it's different from the children I've taken care of."     “Not all-“     "If you've only cared for one child in your entire life, you have no right to continue that sentence." she threatened, but obviously joking.      He smiles and leans a little closer to me to kiss my forehead.     "I will keep looking at your phone." he says after gently caressing my cheek.     "Thank you." I whisper, still a little sick about what happened.      He gives me a small kiss and gets up to leave the room. I watch him walk away, thinking about how much I want to protect him and how I've failed. All because I am unable to leave mine behind. But it’s over. Macie's name will no longer be spoken. And I like the name Angel. The meaning it has for him is special and I like to feel special with him.     "As soon as I have the information I need, I'll give it all to you Jake" I murmur decisively ", I promise I won't leave anything uninvestigated." 

The next day, I decide to take Jack to the restaurant to see Andrew, with the excuse that he needs a break from his hacking classes. He's a little boy, we can't stress him out. I told him that if everything went well, I would buy him an ice cream. And so I can buy one. 

We go into the restaurant, but I don’t see Andrew. I look everywhere. What if he has gone to inform his superiors?     “Where is he?” I ask biting my nail.     "Is it bad, mom?"     "I don't-"     "Were you looking for me?" I hear behind me and I get scared.      When I turn around I see Andrew, smiling that charming smile.     "Hello" I greet him, passing my hair behind my ear, smiling coquettishly "what makes you think we were waiting for you?" Maybe we just came to eat.”     "Why else would you come the day after we met?" He winks at me and I laugh. It's obviously a fake laugh. The more charming he sees me, the more confident he will be and I will see if he misses something or some small gesture that gives him away "How are you kid?" he asks Jack, balling his hand into a fist in greeting.      Jack does something that surprises me and he hides behind me, even though I told him to act normal in front of him. I can see the fear in his eyes and I know it right away.     "He doesn't like to be greeted like that" I tell Andrew, for him to remove his hand ", he's a little more polite."     "I see," Andrew begins to think, catching up with him. I see how his eyes examine him. He is scanning him. He's like me “And high five? Do you prefer it better?” He raises his hand and waits.      Jack smiles sheepishly and agrees, giving him a high five. Andrew laughs, sitting up.     "Why don't you go pick out a table for you and your mom? I'm going to talk to her for a second.”      Jack looks at me, as if he could excuse me.     "Go, but close, okay?"      He nods and runs off to an empty table not far from my sight. I look at Andrew, who is looking at me seriously. I guess the moment of truth has arrived.     "Who was mistreating him?" I blink confused at his question “I realized that he was scared when he saw the fist.”     ''It's…" I take a deep breath, feigning discomfort. It's time to make up a story again “My ex-boyfriend liked to be too scary, that's why I left him, for treating him badly.”      He looks at me carefully, he's looking to see if I'm lying or not.     "And how did you know?" I ask now “Maybe he was just scared of you.”     "I know what he had been through" he shrugged, but with a sad look on his face ". I've suffered as a child too."      I try to figure out some small gesture that gives him away in that lie. But I don't see anything.     "I... I'm so sorry" I answer awkwardly ". I didn't want to remind you.     "It’s alright" he gives me a small smile, shoving his hands into his pockets quickly ", that's in the past now, he's in jail."      I nod slowly and we start walking over to Jack, who is holding a menu in his hands. 

I sit next to him and Andrew across from us. I fix his bangs and smile fondly at him.     “How are the classes going?” He asks Jack, leaning on the table “Do you like living here?”     “Mmm…” the little one starts to think and makes it very serious “It's difficult to understand the language, but it's okay because I'm with mom.”     “It must be great to be with her.” he says as he looks at me.     “Yes, she takes good care of me and she worries about me.”      For a moment I was afraid that he might say something he shouldn't. Well, I've always taken good care of him, I was just afraid that he would say something he shouldn't.     "Did you doubt me?" I ask with a flirtatious smile.     "Of course not, I think you're more than capable." He places his hands under his chin, without looking away.      I try to try to see beyond that friendly facet. And I think he does the same too.     “And what do you do?” he asks curiously.     "I'm looking for a job." I reply quickly.     "After so long living here?"     "I do what I can, I focus more on taking care of Jack" I answer as I stroke the boy's hair ", but in the last interview I had they told me that they would call me soon."     “Oh yeah?” he leans forward a little “And what is it?”     “Interpreter in a company.”     “Not bad.” he arches his eyebrows in agreement.     “And you were always a pianist?”      And finally it happens. I don't know that he notices too much because he does it very subtly, but by looking at it very carefully, I can see it. He has quickly looked down, as if he was thinking.     "I taught piano" he says seriously “. I left it with my girlfriend after two years of dating” I tilt my head, trying to figure out if he's telling the truth. I don't see any trace of pity, resentment or melancholy. Rage. I see nothing. Not a bit of love “. I needed a change in my life and here I am! With a lovely woman and her lovely son.”     &lt;<He actually loves to flatter more than Phil.>>      His interest in me is strange. It's like he doesn't let me see his true intentions. He just talks more than acts, he hasn't tried to make a breakthrough. Either he is really respectful or he doesn't really have those intentions.     “I don't like being someone's replacement.” I say, crossing my arms.     "Don't worry, you won't be." he winks at me, getting up from his chair to go to the piano.      He starts playing another tune I know. It remind me of those moments when I needed to relax and not think about anything. Just my little world on that apartment. I shake my head, erasing those memories. She no longer exists. 

After eating, we decided to return home. Not before buying an ice cream. After today's conversation, I'm starving for one.     “I have done well?” Jack asks me, emotion in his voice.     "Perfectly" I reply with a smile ", although we have obtained little information.     “What?”     "First, he wasn't dedicated to giving piano lessons." A proud smile escapes me when I noticed it “, he lied when I asked him if he had always been a pianist, it hasn't been very noticeable but he has avoided looking at me. And why name me his ex when I asked him about the piano?“     "So he lied to us?"     "Yes, that's what I think" I hope I don't sound upset, but I've been through this before with guys who pretended to be perfect. Although maybe I was the one looking for someone special “, but the reason may be several.”     "Then we have to keep investigating!"     "Exactly" I stand up to him, excited “, I have found his weak point, he may know how to play the piano but if he diverts the conversation, it is so that he doesn’t continue talking about the subject because it is not what he has planned.”     “So, what can we do now?” he asks curiously.     "Surely now he will have realized his mistake and will start thinking about his mistake" I get up and we walk again “. I'll have to be careful so he doesn't notice that I'm interested in noticing when he lies.”     "And then we'll tell Jake he's one of the bad guys."     "Let's just hope I can get his phone number so I can look into it." I sigh, trying not to get nervous.     "And how are you going to get it?"     “I… I'll tell you when you grow up.”      I'm going to hate flirting with that guy, but if he's really looking into me, maybe even pretending I need his help might work. 

*Jake POV*

I have not been able to find any kind of trace on Angel's mail. It's all clean. It does not look like it was detected. I sigh in relief running my hand through my hair. Maybe I should stop by the studio now that everything has calmed down. The decoy computer has stopped working thanks to me, I have left it completely empty. The computer may have been lost forever, but at least it worked, they could not find us. Now I have to deal with something that may be risky, but possible. 

I open the chat with Henry. It is also risky for him, maybe I will put him in trouble for this, but I do not have anyone to turn to. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nymos Comet, I need your help. 

-----Comet has connected----- 

Comet I knew it She has betrayed you 🙄 

Nymos No, is not that. I need you to get me some documents.

Comet And that's how I get into the criminal world 😩 Let's see, what kind of documents? 

Nymos I know you can get them for me because you work in security. They are family documents. Family book, school book, marriage documentation, hospital documentation… 

Comet Wait a minute, that’s too much! What is it for? 

Nymos We need to start from scratch. And we need documentation. Even if it is so that nobody recognizes us when they investigate us. 

Comet Of course Get more charges now 😑 Do you know that for false documentation they can put you in jail too? 

Nymos That is why I am asking you for help. It is not fake if I ask security agents for it.

Comet DIGITAL SECURITY! I’m not from witness protection! 

Nymos But it is easier for you to get it. Even the digital signature can be easily obtained.

Comet Ouch! 😩 Will I have to fill it in? 

Nymos No, that.is what I take care of. 

Comet Everything you do for her, huh? 🙄 

Nymos And the child When I saw them yesterday, I felt that I did not want to lose them because of me. The only option I have is that I also disappear from the world and thus be with them far from here. 

Comet Hmm… I don’t know if it sounds very nice or very risky And does she know? 

Nymos I am planning how to tell her and thus fill out the documents together :) 

Comet Well if so I guess because of you I can get it Although it will take a long time, there are many documents you need And more if you want to leave the country without problems 😅 You could put yourself in danger at the airport 

Nymos I know, luckily I already have a forged ID and passport. The man who makes them is an expert.

Comet I won’t ask any more about that… But yeah, okay But if you promise that when you’re settled I can come see you I want to meet my nephew! 😤 

Nymos Haha. Alright :) I know I can trust you. 

Comet Because I'm the only one who can't scold you Like I said, it'll take a while, so stay out of trouble while I get it for you 

Nymos I promise you.

Comet Wait for news from me then 😎

-----Comet has disconnected----- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hear the door knock and Jack runs into the room, hugging me.     “Dad!” He exclaimed with a laugh.      The word is still strange, but for his happiness, I think I do not care.     “How was the walk?” I ask sitting him on my lap.     "Well, Mom even bought ice cream for dessert."     "Surely she bought it as an excuse to eat herself."      Angel clears her throat, crossing her arms.     "And I meant it without bad intentions." I reply quickly.     "Of course." She rolls her eyes and walks over to us.      She leans in kissing me on the lips. I place my hand on her waist and she lets out a laugh.     “I am here!” Jack exclaims and we look at him. He crosses his arms, annoyed.      I ruffle his hair and Angel kisses his cheek. The little one laughs happily.     "Hey, why don't you take Jack to the studio and get a little spruced up?" Says Angel, going to the door "He got some ice cream on him and I'd like to clean his clothes."     "Of course, I was going to go too." I answer, leaving the boy on the floor and I get up from the chair.     "Okay, let's all go then. I'll grab the laundry bag and we'll go.”      As she leaves the room, I catch up with Jack. I can not believe I am going to do this.     "Can you help me with something?" I ask and feel my shy side come out.     “Yeah!”      I smile seeing his excitement.     “I want to prepare a surprise for Angel and I need your help for what I want to do.”     “And what is?”      I let out a nervous laugh. It is something that I would never have thought to do, because I never had a person by my side who I loved so much. And asking a child for help for this is a bit desperate, it seems that I am going to use him to make it easier, although he is not. I need his help because I have no one else to turn to.     "I'm done guys." Angel warns from the entrance.     “I will tell you when she is not there, she is very smart and she would find out if it is close that we are up to something.”      I get up and grab the mask from the table, putting it on. I take Jack’s hand and he accepts it, laughing at our secret. I have needed to meet the right person to want to break with everything that made me have a gray world. 

Chapter 13

[dayurno]

I loved when Kevin says I love you in PFK 😭😭 such a moment to add to the fic….. do you think Andreil says I love you to each other & Kevin as well? I mean obviously they’re soulmates and they show each other in all ways they can but do they say it….. what do you think?

OH HMMMMM... i feel like thats the golden question the fandom has been parroting to each other for the last three years..... im unsure to be honest. i think because i am also not the kind of person who says i love you to people, i can understand a little better when people argue for andreil never saying it to each other/kevin....... nevertheless i dont think its impossible at all!!!!! but i do think that its very embarrassing. i can see neil just slurring the words very quickly one morning because he feels bad kevin said it and he didnt answer in time, or andrew blurting it out very blankly once and never again.... thinking emoji...... i imagine that if they do say it to kevin then its really awkward, and if they say it to each other its even more so... but theyd still try to eventually anyway. if just to get the words out once in their lives

ultimately though i dont think kevin really cares for this!!! not even in a being totally certain of it already way but because kevin himself isnt truly used to hearing the word love either. i think him saying it in pfk might sound like it was premeditated but in reality he just said it in the spur of the moment because he truly felt like he loved neil for those 5 minutes he was afforded to nap....!!! in a similar fashion, i dont think kevin would be able to say it in a serious conversation either, so andreil dont really have to worry about it....... but to answer your question in a more concise way: yes it does happen eventually, but its very cringe and awkward and every time without fail the other person just looked at them like ....ok then went on with their lives

[rose-bookblood]

Holiiii!!!! Happy Tiny Scene Sunday, Rose! I hope you are having a really good day/night!

now

pls write that scene of BBtS and Winter Holidays????🥹🥹🥹🥹

Thanks, I love you! you are the best!

(@ink-fireplace-coffee)

Anything for you <3 So sorry it took me this long, I was actually debating not posting this until next winter because it's just so late. But it is technically not spring yet, so...

I had a lot of fun with this, even though writing the gang all together is chaotic and hard as hell, their dynamics come very naturally to me. I don't think I ever showed you guys the wild Cecilia-Jeremy duo before, but here it is, basically summed up.

Set during the third year, so the one before when the books’ events happen. It ended up being fucking long, oops.

Just a note: Ruby is Evelyn’s younger sister (yeah, lots of BBtS characters have siblings I’ve never mentioned lol).

CW: brief mention of food

“I never say this,” declared Evelyn as she let herself fall on the sofa, “but I’m so full I might explode.”

Andrew, half-perched on the armchair, glanced at her. “I told you not to eat the chocolate lava cake.”

At that, she sprung up and almost jumped off the couch. “The chocolate lava cake is sacred. It’s the only thing I’d be tempted to sell you for.” A pause. “Besides pizza. And ice cream from that parlor we always go to when we come back home. And a particularly good salmon and mango uramaki.”

“What I’m extrapolating from this conversation is that there is a lot of food you’d sell your literal best friend for.”

Evelyn wiggled a finger. “I said tempted to sell you for. But I would resist the temptation.”

“I’m not sure,” intervened Nathan, seated on the other side of the sofa, “that is the compliment you think it is.”

Andrew shot her a resigned look. “We grew up together and it’s the best I’ve ever received from her.”

“That,” – Evelyn crossed her arms, nose wrinkled – “is a blatant lie and you know it.”

“I am,” chimed up Victoria, “so glad you’re enjoying yourselves. If you could also appreciate the effort we made decorating the room for tonight, that would be great.”

Heat stung Evelyn’s cheeks. “Sorry. You did an amazing job.”

The apartment had transformed into a winter wonderland, a perfect match to the snowstorm outside. Pine tree branches and garlands sprinkled with snow hung on the walls. Between one of Serena’s potted plants and another, icicles-studded twigs stood inside vases wrapped in white knitting. Fake snowflakes dangled from the ceiling, their texture so fine it was impossible to grasp what material they were made of.

Lily furrowed her brow. “Did you kidnap a plant bender to get all those wreaths?”

“And,” – Andrew dipped a finger inside a small heap of snow – “an ice bender too, apparently.”

“We didn’t kidnap anyone,” huffed Victoria. “We have friends other than you guys, you know.”

“Which means we asked for a favor,” added Annabelle from Jeremy's lap.

Victoria scrunched their nose and shrugged with their arms crossed. “Yeah, that was subtextual.”

“I'm getting kind of lost here.” Nathan did, in fact, blink repeatedly.

Andrew stopped playing with the snow, then rubbed his palms one against the other and plopped back on the armrest. “Right. Let's get back on track. I was telling Evelyn she's not going to be able to fit even a cracker in her stomach tomorrow.”

With a background of snorts from Victoria and Jeremy, Evelyn tsked. “It's not like you to underestimate me so badly. I'll have enough space to devour an embarrassing number of latkes and enough energy left afterwards to argue with Ruby over whether they're better with applesauce or sour cream.” She paused, tight-lipped. “The answer is sour cream.”

A moment of silence fell on the room. Cecilia, who had been twirling a fake snowflake on itself, stopped it between two fingers and quirked both eyebrows, while the others exchanged blank glances.

“I really thought she was about to say something meaningful,” said Annabelle.

Lily had a resigned stare. “Rookie mistake.”

“We were talking about food,” puffed Evelyn. “Did you expect a treatise on… I don’t even know what!”

“You looked particularly passioned, though.” Nathan offered a half smile.

Once again, Victoria barged into the conversation: “Tell me we’re not going to spend the evening discussing how underwhelming Evelyn’s conclusion was on a scale from one to ten.”

Annabelle didn’t miss a beat, “Eight.”

“A solid seven.” That was Andrew.

Jeremy smirked. “Twelve.”

Evelyn’s mouth hung open, then turned into a pout. “You’re all assholes.” She turned to Andrew. “I’ll text dad that you’re banned from every single Hanukkah meal this year.”

“But would you have the courage to tell your mom?”

“Ok, that’s enough.” Before Victoria could kick everyone out, Serena stood and pulled out three board game boxes from a cabinet. “What are we playing?”

Cecilia picked up the colorful boxes one after another. “Our options are Game of Goose, Man, Don’t Get Angry!, or Battleship.”

“Game of Goose.”

Cecilia side-eyed Andrew. “That’s so boring. I vote Battleship.”

Evelyn lifted her hand. “I also vote Battleship.”

It was Lily’s turn to side-eye her. “We already knew.”

“There was a fifty percent chance I’d choose Man, Don’t Get Angry!.”

“You know I hate it.”

“Because you get angry before the game has even started.”

Meanwhile, Cecilia had gone back to spinning fake snowflakes like a miniature blizzard. One dangled in front of Jeremy’s face and hit him on the nose. His jaw set, he slapped the snowflake with his knuckles, sending it straight into Cecilia’s cloud of curls.

“I choose Man, Don’t Get Angry!,” said Annabelle from Jeremy’s lap, oblivious to their and Cecilia’s shenanigans.

Lily’s head whipped in Annabelle’s direction, her eyes aflame as if she had committed treason. “I’m with Andrew. Game of Goose.”

Nathan shut his lips to stop himself from chuckling, then just said, “Agreed.”

Serena held up her hands, each one with two lifted fingers, and the gems – a ruby, amethyst, opal and tiger’s eye – embedded in the gold bands of her rings glinted as they caught the light. After Nathan spoke, she lifted a third finger on her left hand. By her side, Victoria made a thumb up.

“Ok, Game of Goose is winning with three points,” they announced. “Battleship and Man, Don’t Get Angry! are tied at two.” They wiggled their index to leave no doubt on whose the second vote for Man, Don’t Get Angry! was.

“Make that three,” said Jeremy.

Victoria leaned over the coffee table to high five him, then grinned to Serena. “You’re last, babe.”

“Vote Battleship,” stage-whispered Evelyn.

“So nobody wins?” deadpanned Jeremy.

Serena looked genuinely contrite about her role as tie-breaker. “Sorry, but I have to side with my partner.”

A loud smack reverberated through the room when Victoria clapped their hands once, then blew a kiss in Serena’s direction. She pretended to catch it with a giggle.

“Please, stop.” Lily grimaced, more in the game’s direction than the couple’s, and started setting up the board and the pieces with a frown and wrinkled nose. “We need to form the teams.”

Even with the six-players version of Man, Don’t Get Angry!, they were too many.

Lily turned the board so the blue side faced Evelyn and Andrew, who had interlaced their arms, Hanukkah ban forgotten. “The usual, I assume?”

“You bet!” Evelyn closed one hand for emphasis. “Don’t mess with success.”

“You two lost the last time we played.”

“We got third place.”

Andrew shrugged. “Sorry, Lily, my teammate is right.”

“Yeah, hit it, teammate!”

While Andrew and Evelyn bumped fists with their free hands, Lily addressed first Serena, on the couch between Evelyn and Nathan, then Victoria, opposite from her. “And you too?”

As soon as they nodded, Lily stood from the recliner and switched places with Serena, who jumped onto Victoria’s lap.

“Jeremy and I are the last team,” said Annabelle, “so you, Cecilia and Nathan are playing solo.”

Cecilia abandoned the fake snowflakes and moved from her spot to sit in front of the yellow circles on the board, elbows propped on her crossed legs.

With her usual meticulousness, Lily handed everyone their respective pieces and dice, then announced: “Now you can roll them.”

The clatter of wood against wood filled the room, immediately followed by disappointed noises. A single six stood out among a series of twos and threes.

“I go first.” Cecilia tilted her head in the die’s direction with a stoic look.

She positioned her first piece, then rolled again. Another six appeared and Cecilia repeated the motion. Six.

“You’ve got to be fucking shitting me,” muttered Jeremy.

Cecilia barely blinked before rolling the die a fourth time. Six.

“You’re cheating.” Jeremy glowered at her while another of her pieces entered the game.

“I am not.”

“It’s impossible to score a six so many times in a row. You’re not rolling the die well.”

“Statistically speaking, it is possible.”

This time, Cecilia made a great show of shaking the fist that held the die, and threw it on the coffee table with enough force to send it under the couch.

“No one touch the goddamn die,” roared Jeremy as they removed Annabelle from their lap and sprung up.

“Babe,” her placid voice rang across the room as her partner urged Andrew, Evelyn, Lily and Nathan to get off the sofa, “it’s a game. Don’t get so worked up about it.”

“Yeah,” – Victoria’s wide grin threatened to turn into roaring laughter – “it’s in the name.”

Jeremy ignored both and, with Nathan’s help, hoisted the couch. When the die caught the fluorescents’ light, he almost dropped it.

The whole room erupted into laughter as Jeremy grumbled a “It’s a fucking joke”. Victoria’s body shook so hard they sank to the floor and dragged Serena with them. Cecilia made a chocking sound, then fell on her back. Nathan’s arms wavered with each wheeze and Evelyn raced to grab the die, in between snorts, before disaster struck. They were on public property.

A string of curses left Jeremy’s mouth and prompted a second wave of chortling. Actual tears clouded Evelyn’s view as she set the die back on the table.

“We’re playing Battleship.” Fire lit in Jeremy’s glare, and Evelyn could have bet the tart smell of smoke permeated the living room.

Cecilia raised herself from the parquet and moved the first piece as though nothing had happened, despite the fact that Victoria still banged a fist on the rug, meanwhile Serena suppressed her laugh with one hand on her mouth. “Why? You voted Man, Don’t Get Angry! yourself.”

Jeremy’s left eye twitched.

Lily was the first to collect herself and sit back in the same spot. Nathan and Evelyn followed suit, whilst Andrew and Serena helped Victoria off the floor.

“Can we resume the game?” Lily scanned the friend group with an arched eyebrow.

Cecilia nodded and fiddled with the die.

“If she scores a six, I swear—”

His words cut off as Cecilia rolled the die. It landed on the coffee table corner, then plopped near Evelyn’s feet.

She knelt, glanced at the die, then at Jeremy. “You don’t want to know…”

Jeremy stomped toward the kitchen, leaving a series of words that sounded like ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ and a mix of both echoing in their wake.

Evelyn snorted, then passed the die to a now narrow-eyed Andrew, who buried his face in his free hand and sighed, “It’s a four.”

Serena’s fingers reached for the die, then she called to the kitchen, “Jeremy! Jeremy, it’s a four!”

Everyone else cackled loud enough to be heard across the hallway.

Blue Below the Surface taglist: (lmk to be added or removed) @tommie-hildebrandt @stormharbors @chaotic-queer-disaster @mel-writes-with-her-dragons @vellichor-virgo @lividdreamz

@ink-fireplace-coffee

[ruminate88]

No One Told Me

I never knew what a Narcissistic Personality was, never knew someone could be manipulative. I had heard a few horror stories growing up of some guys either having controlling moms or wives but I always believed I’d be smart enough when it came to dating…. I was quite the opposite though. Growing up in an extremely empathetic home where I was the family care taker and I ALWAYS put other’s needs before my own, it was only natural to date a narcissist and I had NO IDEA!

Worse, I never knew what trauma bond was and that when you connect with a narcissist, you’re the one obsessed and attached with them but they’re not attached to you at all. Oh they’re obsessed with you for a quick moment but it’s fleeting and they’re moved on while you’re stuck believing you’re in this loving relationship with them but as they start to act weird with you, you get nervous and therefore, you only try to love them harder…… I made the mistake of continuing to shower my ex, Andrew with so much love and attention, trying to impress him and make him pay me attention. After the love bomb phase, it was just so confusing, the way he turned so cold that I just pushed and pushed, continuing to work so hard to get back that person I saw in the love bomb phase, but that person could never ever come back!!!

The break up with Andrew, was not only super confusing, but my heart was very broken and I was suicidal and depressed for months! It did NOT make sense why somebody would say they do not want to break up with me over and over but yet, when I break up with them, they’re not even upset or have any emotions towards me and not only that, they already have a new girlfriend so fast, which I did not realize they don’t go for someone better, they go for someone weaker but in my eyes at the time I did not think they were going for someone weaker… I felt like they were going for someone prettier, and it really tore me up and made me super jealous of her and I didn’t even know her or her story! Nor do I know what Andrew told her about me, if anything he might have not even told her I exist … she may have thought she was the only girl in his life just like I thought that prior to her!! 🥺 I went from thinking I’m his whole focus to does he even remember my name?!!

I was so incredibly hurt by Andrew and the pain was overwhelmingly poisoning. I HAD to get away from him which was very hard to do and when I did, I found myself just desperate to move on and get over him. I met my husband and married him quickly! I was only trying to push away my feelings and pain for Andrew BUT I didn’t understand what even happened. I didn’t know what narcissism was or trauma bond. After I got married, I’ve found its VERY difficult not to think of Andrew alllllllll the time. I tried to ignore it so many times and it’s gotten worse! I was confused to what happened but afraid to talk about it with my new husband because he would be hurt and jealous to hear I’m still thinking of my ex. I prayed and prayed for answers to what’s going on and BAM! One night I saw a random video on TikTok explaining what narcissism is and wow…. It hit me like a ton of bricks!!!! I quickly knew then Andrew and Cody and Jake were all narcissists and they all lied and manipulated me to use me. It made so much sense and I began to slowly put pieces together. It’s now been a little over a year that I’ve been learning about narcissistic abuse and what happened to me.

Knowing doesn’t fix what happened, doesn’t change anything, nor does it break the mental attachment my brain has towards Andrew. My brain simply can not accept what happened and my heart continues to break whenever I think of Andrew yet I’ve never been able to stop. Since I first met Andrew, I was totally obsessed with him in a bad way and it’s only gotten worse. It’s not love, it’s this creepy attachment that I can’t escape.

So not too long ago, I was really praying hard to break this strong-hold Andrew has had on my mind, as if I’m his prisoner and I felt so good about it too. I went home with a clear head but when I slept, I had the most sad dream of him!!! I dreamed first he’s sitting with me on a couch asking to make out with me and I felt a rush but then I dream he’s giving me all these “gifts” that he claims his mom helped him pick out but when he lays them all out on a table, it’s nothing but a bunch of random little items, looked like little Russian dolls(the kind you stack) or something…. And the rest I couldn’t identify!!! It was random and weird but I was thinking in the dream “Why is he giving me so much stuff??” And I’m showing someone in the dream and they’re saying “Oh he must care about you some or why else would he give you all this stuff??” Then I dream I’m sitting with Andrew on another couch at some random family’s house neither of us know them, it’s Christmas time and I see a Christmas tree against the wall. Andrew had what looked like a possible wedding ring in his hand and this random family in dream thinks he’s proposing to me, they’re congratulating me and I’m super excited BUT then Andrew looks at me and says, “oh no, I’m so sorry…. I didn’t mean to make you think I was proposing to you but you do know I think of us as just good friends.” And I’m thinking in the dream “but what about us making out and all the gifts you gave me??” THEN I dream I’m on this random family’s staircase, crying my eyes out with my face in my arms!!!! It was soo sad and I dreamt Andrew walked up and stood there awhile just watching me cry but never asked if I was okay or said anything to me, just stood there and I was thinking in my head, “Why doesn’t he care about me at all? How can he just watch me cry???” Then Andrew walked off and the wife of the random family came over to me to see if I was ok….. THEN I WOKE UP!!! I felt very VERY sad and felt like I’m still very trapped forever thinking about Andrew. Whenever I try to stop, I just think of him more!!!! I see his face constantly day and night! I pray for him but it doesn’t change.

I know you have to grieve the loss of the narcissist because the image they showed you during the “love bomb phase” is false. You don’t really know who they are and your brain is so confused. I’ve tried so hard to really grieve Andrew and then let it all go but some days it feels very difficult. I don’t hate Andrew but yet I get angry towards him. He made me feel so stupid!!!! Also I don’t talk about it all with anyone because who is going to understand me?? That’s partly the reason I started this account and started writing down my story. I’m trying to understand it all!!! 🤔

[stabbyfoxandrew]

Hi, so this is the angel!Jean anon from the other day, back to bother you again because I continue to have Thoughts about Jean as Kevin's guardian angel.

Narratively speaking, there are three beats where it makes sense for angel!Jean to have died. The time he tried to kill himself, when Kevin interfered; when he was covering Kevin's escape; and when Kengo died. As far as angel!Jean is concerned, I think the second one is the most satisfying, because like.

Jean died protecting Kevin, and now he's spending his afterlife... protecting Kevin? I need it to be that way, because I desperately need someone to look at him and say, "Dude, that's fucked up actually."

Except who would do it? Who would be able to look at Jean's situation and realize it's very fucked up actually?

Not Neil. As far as Neil is concerned, that's exactly the sort of thing that happens when you love someone, that's why he isn't supposed to do it.

Not Andrew. Andrew would absolutely die for his brother and then stick around to guard him after he dies. He would never in a million years admit this, and he'd probably bitch that Aaron would somehow misinterpret it as him being a controlling asshole, but he would 100% do it.

Not Kevin, I don't think. Kevin has absolutely no idea how normal people interact. And also, Kevin has absorbed enough messaging about him being more important than Jean that... I don't think he'd agree with that, if asked, but I definitely think it affects his intuition to the point where he wouldn't be able to realize how fucked up it is that Jean not only got stuck as his guardian angel, but thinks that's pretty cool actually.

I think the answer might be Aaron. I think Aaron is capable of looking at that situation and saying, "Dude, that's fucked up actually." Not sure how one would get Aaron to the point of being involved in that conversation, but I think he's capable of making the observation. And then staring around with that why am I the only normal person here look that Aaron has sometimes. (Not to allege that Aaron is a normal person. But he absolutely thinks he is.)

And while I was typing this up, I had an even worse thought about angel!Jean, that I need to roll around for a while, so I am likely to pester you again. (Unless you'd rather I didn't? Genuinely hope I'm not annoying you with these.)

Hi babe I'm glad you're back!

Oh god, the fact that there are three options for Jean's death... FUCK ME UP ANON.

Dying for Kevin then being trapped in effectively LIMBO to continue to keep Kevin alive. And now he can't even talk to him?! That is so flavorful man.

(We have to assume Jean would do a much better job at staying secret than Neil did. This assumption is based entirely on irony. In that Neil hid for his entire life but straight up introduced himself to Andrew after a couple of months because he was tired of being alone. I know the AU started off really abruptly so we don't really Get That, but it's what happened.)

But just Jean having to watch Kevin practice, to live his life. He finally gets out of the Nest, by being beat to DEATH. And he's still confined to a goddamn exy court most of the time? He wants to move on, from Kevin and from his life. But... He also asked for this. In a way.

If and when I end up writing this, Jean would get a choice. An angel would ask, "Would you watch over the one you love most?"

He thinks she means Elodie. He makes his choice. And suddenly he's sitting beside Kevin Day. It's always Kevin goddamn Day. He feels like he's betrayed his little sister by somehow not loving her enough. But he doesn't know she's already dead. He doesn't know she's not at their home in Marseille. He knows nothing of her horrible fate. And it's for the best honestly.

But it's Kevin. Kevin is who he loved most. Kevin is who he's supposed to protect. Jean is bitter, so fucking bitter. Because he ALREADY DID THIS! He already kept Kevin alive, bought him a way out without realizing it. Paid with his life!

So yeah.

Jean is suddenly sitting beside Kevin in a Raven-issue car, Kevin's left hand is useless in his lap and he's driving with his right. He looks terrified and betrayed and pissed off and in pain and Jean wants nothing more than to beat the shit out of him. He doesn't. He sits quietly and invisibly the entire time, pretending he doesn't see or hear Kevin crying. But it makes his chest hurt and he hates it.

Goddamn it, Jean's body probably isn't even cold yet and he's got to follow Kevin around for the rest of his days? Though, it can't be long. Can it? Kevin's hand is broken. If he can't play, he won't live past-

But he does. And Jean watches him heal, learn to play right-handed, get cozy with some little blond man when Jean didn't have a chance in hell. (He tries to explode Andrew Minyard with his mind but it doesn't work.)

Finally, Jean decides to get out of the dorm and goes upstairs and there's another fucking angel up there?! (Jean is a Raven. As far as he's concerned Kevin is his partner now. He never strays from Kevin.)(So he's never been to the roof. At the Tower he sleeps on the couch, at Nicky's he sleeps beside Kevin in the chair. He keeps watch over Kevin and criticizes his choice in friends loudly, but silently. Because Jean makes sure to keep his status as invisible, secret angel intact.

ANYWAY YES. Neil's mother died trying to keep him alive, ergo dying for someone you love is so normal actually Jean.

Andrew would! Holy shit he would so bad. (Making eyes at him right now... Lol, jk he's gonna be fine.) Andrew is already focused on keeping Aaron (and Nicky and Kevin) safe and alive. Even if he goes about it in bad ways most of the time. He would thrive at being an angel. He would not keep it a secret. He would pretend he never died and just be there like always. (When would they notice he stopped aging in college...?)

Oh God. Kevin... Kevin Day's world view is soooo unbelievably fucked up. But yeah, I think if (and when) he found out what happened to Jean his first thought would be 'holy shit you're dead because of me' and then he would get drunk and tell Jean he wishes he hadn't died but he's glad he's finally away from there. That they both got out. But he's drunk and stupid because Jean didn't get out! He died there, Kevin, how do you not see that? And then angel!Jean would perhaps go back to being invisible to Kevin.

And then he would accidentally befriend Neil. It would take a while, because we know Neil. But eventually they would come to similar conclusions about how they were meant to be partners. And each of them would think about how different things could've been if only Nathaniel had stayed. ("But I wouldn't have met Andrew."/ "But you'd be alive!" / "Tell me honestly, Jean. Was it living? For me it was surviving. I think it was the same for you.")

After a while Jean would finally confront Kevin about how hellish his life was and then it would end up with Jean telling Kevin how much he loved him accidentally and Kevin would be gobsmacked because he didn't know. ("How could you not know?")

ALSO! About Aaron. I don't know how or when or if he'll ever find out about the existence of angels. (I've considered it but I don't know if it'll happen in the main angel!Neil fic.) But yeah, I think he would just be like: "Does anyone think this is normal? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? I'm the one who ignores the shrink, Kevin. You should understand that this is fucked."

ALSO! Fuck man, give me your thoughts! I don't think it's possible to annoy me. (I mean it is, but not with nicey words about my AUs and delicious ideas!)

Thank you so much for the ask, sorry I'm a little late. <3