#and/or their small size… also no ribs attached! just a fun fact for you (now go study my sillies!)

[professorofcosplay]

Look at my favorite bone in the body, the C5 vertebra. Look how happy he is to support you. What a cute and friendly little fella :D

His siblings, C3-C7, are equally as cute (with varying levels of dopey looking “faces”). They want to support you all day so you can hold your head up high!

So remember, no need to feel down; you have a team of four typical C vertebrae (and three atypical) to support you!

[dariadraws]

and my final piece so far for @geekinthecorner‘s @batfam-big-bang fic Bats Of The West, it’s Jason Todd! ngl i think this is one of the ones i had the most fun with, and also the one i crammed the most details into that no one but me will ever know exist, but i’ll share a few of them under the cut, along with the image description. plus, a list of all of Jason’s scars in this au, and how he got them.

also, like i said, this is my final piece so far but i fully intend to come back and round out the batfam, draw all the other characters i havent had a chance to get to yet, so keep an eye out for that, and in the meantime here’s some fun facts!

alright so. first off, just some general overall thoughts on Jason and some of the details i added here.

 his gun in the first pic is super expensive and pretty, but i imagine he doesnt use is as often as some of his other ones, simply because when he’s out in The Wilderness tracking down criminals for weeks on end, it’s not really the kind of place you want to bring your prettiest, most expensive gun. when he’s on the ranch or in town tho, or really just anywhere where he doesnt anticipate needing to rough it for more than a couple days (which isnt the same as not expecting the need to get rough), he’s probably got this gun.

his gun belt and holster are a whole other story tho. he spent exactly zero dollars and zero cents on them, just assembled them from some spare leather they had lying around, which is why theyre in such Not Great condition, and also why the belt itself ended up so long. he could cut it down to a more reasonable size, but it’s not like there’s anything else he could make from those scraps anyways, so why bother.

that big gun in the second image isn’t technically his tho, it’s the Communal Ranch Rifle. mainly it’s just used to scare away coyotes (or, yknow, actually hit coyotes) but it does occasionally see real action as well, tho not often.

also. does it even need to be said? his hat.. holder... bead... thing. with the turquoise inlay. is a gift from Dick

alright and now the fun part! i go through all of jason’s scars, and how he got them. there are quite a few and a lot of them are. Sad. so be warned, and take care of yourselves! (also just for the record, i promise the fic itself isnt actually as dark as this will make it sound. basically none of this shows up in the story, i was just given free reign to design whatever i wanted, and poor jason ended up paying the price)

ok so. scars. 

first off, the claw and bit marks on his arms and shoulders are from getting attacked by some coyotes back when he was still just a kid. to quote my explanation back when i pitched this to Em, “bc as a Young Human with minimal supervision and not necessarily having someone to call him inside once it gets dark, he was unfortunately Very Delicious, if somewhat scrawny, by coyote standards”

next up: a bullet scar on his abdomen, on his lower left side (our right), from some kind of shootout with a criminal. this one is middling-recent; after bruce adopted him, but before the joker thing. i dont really have anything concrete for that one but it was a through and through, and somehow, miraculously, missed hitting any bones, and any organs. just missed his lower rib by like. an inch. that one messed bruce up more than jason, honestly. if anything, he was just surprised it took him that long to get shot, with the life he's had

the ones on his cheek and on his chin were just Regular Childhood Shenanigans scars, no real story.

the one through his mouth is from his time with the joker though. there's also the J brand on his right bicep, also from the joker.

also joker related, hes got a lot of scars on his hands, especially his knuckles and fingertips, from trying to fight his way out of his captivity, and scratching his fingers raw trying to pry open the door to his cell/untie the rough rope he way tied with/whatever the specific situation was. also some minor rope burn scars on his wrists from the same deal.

also some blade scars across his palms from trying to stop/block knives. definitely with the joker, but probably at some point in his youth as well

a few faint lines across his neck from being a temporary hostage a few time while helping Bruce on cases when he was younger, but none of them ever went deep or caused any serious damage

oh and also, whip scars on his back from his time with the joker, which arent too prominent, and mostly cant be seen from the front, except for a couple of spots where they crest over his shoulders and the very tail ends of them can be seen, but they’re there 

and also some kind of straight scar on his left forearm, which was a carry-over from my usual Jason design, that i like but dont really have a story for, so that one’s purely aesthetic, lol

and that’s it! i think? that’s all my notes on that? either way this post is getting Way Too Long, and i still gotta do the image descriptions, so i’m calling it there. 

[IMAGE ID: two images of Jason Todd in old-fashioned cowboy clothing. He has red, curly hair with a streak of white running through it at the front. his skin is pale but sunburnt, has deep-blue eyes, many freckles both on his face and on the rest of his exposed skin, and his body is broad and muscular, and he has many scars. he has small round metal piercings in the lobes of both ears, as well as an additional two in the top cartilege of his right ear.

in the first image, he is facing directly at the viewer with his arms crossed, and a challenging look on his face. he is wearing a maroon cowboy shirt with checkered red accent at the chest and the sleeves rolled up to his upper arms. he has a dark blue polka-dot bandana tied around his neck, and over that pass two strands of red braided cord holding his tan cowboy hat, which is visible hanging off his neck behind him. the cords are tipped with small metal beads, and pass through a large, dark brown wooden bead inset with turquoise, which regulates their length. he is wearing dark-wash blue jeans with prominent yellow stitching, pulled over his cowboy boots up to the ankle until only the foot of each boot is visible. the boots are dark brown with pale seams and red stitching, and light brown heels and soles. fastened around each boot are embossed red spur-straps, with metal spurs extending from them behind the boots. at his waist are two cracked leather belts. one is dark brown, with a pale silver buckle stamped with vine designs, and it is threaded through his belt loops. the second belt is hanging diagonally over his hips and holds his gun and holster. this belt is a reddish tan with a pattern of darker brown, overlapping rings down its length, and has a darker silver buckle. it is long enough that the loose end of it wraps back around itself several times before hanging down. the holster is simple brown leather folded over the gun, with two straps to tighten it. the gun itself is an ornate and expensive-looking revolver, black metal with intricate gold detailing and a mother-of-pearl grip.

in the second image, he is facing slightly to the side, with a long shotgun propped over his shoulder with one hand and an unimpressed expression on his face as he looks somewhere to the right of the viewer. he is shirtless, and his torso is muscled, stocky, and as sunburned and freckled as the rest of him. his cowboy hat is hanging off his neck again behind him, once more held in place by the braided red cord and round wood-and-turquoise bead. he is wearing tan, high-waisted pants tucked into his cowboy boots, which are the same as in the first image but now fully visible, with red pulls at the top. the pants are attached to red suspenders, though they are not on his shoulders and hang down around him instead. his gunbelt is once more around his hips, but the holster is obscured behind him, and isn't visible. the hand not holding the shotgun is down loosely at his side, and has a red and white bandana wrapped around the wrist. END ID]

[lucyhblack]

I had this mental image a long, long time ago (that of the Cornys being treated like sausages by a Papython dressed in an apron and chef's hat) and this exact passage written several and several months ago.

The story just didn't develop (I only had that stretch in mind and nothing else) until today. I just sat and wrote it. Without any planning! It just flowed from the mind to the keyboard.

(And there is proof that stories have a life of their own and want to be told)

So there it is. A small snippet of what I imagine to be one day at the Vex adoption store.

Thank you @vex-bittys for creating such a fun universe and allowing us to play with it!

Summary: It was a beautiful sunny day at Vex's Lamia Bittybones Adoption Center and Clinic

It was a beautiful sunny day at Vex's Lamia Bittybones Adoption Center and Clinic.

After several days locked up due to the rains, the dark clouds had finally dispersed and the lamias could go out and enjoy the sun. And enjoy they would.

The Kings had already gone out with some Papythons to check the back garden and see how the plants had fared and the possible care they would have to give to the flower beds.

The Pygmys left next. They spread out quickly, happy to have more space for their zooms. In a short time they entered a friendly competition to see who could go faster and dodge the largest number of remaining pools of water (needless to say that in their excitement many forgot that they should dodge and soon it was confusing even for them if the competition was for deflect or pass through as many puddles as possible).

Even Edgar had taken advantage and taken the current clutcher for some fresh air. He set up a small children's pool with Waffle's help and watched with affection the young Kraits gliding in the few inches of water inside.

The day was heating up fast, so he didn't care about the gentle breeze blowing, but even if the heat of the sun wasn't enough, the Kraits' counterpart, a group of FireRing puppies (all huddled safely in the older skeleton, and away from spatter caused by his brothers) they pleasantly warmed the air (a little uncomfortable for the feathered skeleton that carried them, but what was a little discomfort to see the happy faces and hear the chirps of the babes?) and protect the lamias more delicate.

His son Quetzl, a rare winged Papython hybrid, is happily strolling through the garden, avoiding the puddles and wandering Pygmys, happy to just be outdoors and be able to spread his wings after the last few days confined.

But not all lamias were enjoying their “new freedom” from the prison of bad weather outdoors. Some preferred to stay inside, enjoying the sun from a drier and more comfortable place.

This was the case with the Mambas who had gathered in front of one of the store's large front windows, dragging soft cushions and positioning themselves in them as a particularly expensive display of jewelry. They enjoyed the sun safely, away from possible puddles of cold water or mud (the mud could be beneficial to the skin they had read, but after a bad experience with worms trapped in rib cages, they all agreed that it was better to try the muds the type that came in cosmetic pots and not the natural one found in gardens).

They took turns in positions that were not always practical, but that always captured the sun's rays perfectly to make their well-polished scales shine.

In the other window a large barbecue grill had been set up and a full size Papython with an apron and a chef's hat turned over, with the help of a silicone spatula, several Cornys that slept on the grill. Below them, at the bottom of the grill, a group of miniature FireRings rested, enjoying the sun without worrying about the dangers of water splashing by Pygmys aimlessly and giving the illusion that the barbecue grill was really burning (that in a way, it really was).

The fact that they were being heated, both above by the sun, and below by the fire lamias (which perfectly regulated their temperature so as not to burn or overwhelm their friends above or themselves), made the blue noodles purr with satisfaction (more than one with a noise very similar to hot fat sizzling on the coals).

Above them, in a corner of the window, someone had attached a poster that could be read outside the store:

“Hot Corny free!”

"Adopt before they pop!"

Surrounded by drawings of smiling blue corncobs.

The ad should be working because one of the small noodles had already found an owner (who had received it nestled in a hot dog bun and a pun: "Sorry kid, but there is no more spice for extra accompaniments").

The skelepuppers, Honey and Poff had also left early, accompanying a small group of Corals who were going to explore the garden to see if there was anything interesting brought by the winds, or dug up by the rain, to be added to their treasures.

The Corals, of course, made it clear that THEY were accompanying the young to supervise them on their adventures (and if they secretly expected some praise and pats as rewards for their work, nobody really needed to know).

The puppies spent a few hours exploring the garden with the other bittys and after a while they rushed in to offer Vex a beautiful flower each, who would have been even happier with the presents had the pups not left a trail of muddy paws behind .

While Waffle took two squirming puppies for a bath, Vex cleaned up the dirt left by them. The Kraits were subsequently summoned and with their abilitys they set up a kind of cleaning station, almost a jetty for bittys, at the entrance for when the other residents decided to go back inside (Of course, those who used it most ended up being the Kraits themselves who could not resist an experience with water and bubbles. They said it was all a quality test, but they didn't even cheat the baby Butter).

Belle and her gang had also left and with mud war paintings and flower “helmets” they had ambushed one of the flowerbeds, leaping over a full-sized King who had inflated his hood of true fright at first, but soon entered a the kidding and let himself be “captured” by the smaller lamias.

Upon hearing the commotion some Chains had appeared worried and now watched amused the dramatic King lying on the floor regretting his luck while Belle, the leader of the Commanders, stood on her ribcage and proclaimed her defense to the kingdom of weeds against the cruel giants that plucked them. Some other Kings looked somewhat divided between laughter and concern (of being the next targets).

Lieutenant Cherry, Belle's right-hand man, watched everything from a strategic point on a fence that bordered a flower bed, gave the alert of enemy attack when a group of Pygmys came together and charged against Belle's troops in defense of the giant friend (who was beginning to realize that him would probably be lying on the floor for some time).

Soon there were mud and small, harmless bone attacks flying through the garden while the two “armies” clashed under the watchful eyes of the rest of the “gardeners” and the fans composed of the Chains, the babys (that Edgar had to control so they could just watch and not run to play. Although the attacks are harmless he didn’t want to risk any of them being run over by some more distracted adult) and the Corals who stopped looking for treasure and started watching with interest, offering some not so innocent advice and incentives (quickly silenced by a fierce look from Edgar who did not need impressionable young people to learn such language).

As the garden turned into a small war field, the Honeys Bo finally woke up and emerged from their warm nests to discover that the dark clouds were gone. They looked a little cross-eyed at the bright sky and the floating white clouds and with smiles of satisfaction packed their things and went to the front of the store, spreading out in the entrance with their mp3's. Soon they were dozing again, lulled by the lazy movement of the clouds and their soundtracks of choice.

Chains had spread throughout the store and beyond. Some had gone out and scanned the surroundings (to see if there were any bitty nearby who had had a problem with the rains and maybe slip in their soul bonds, who knows?), or around the house to check if there was any damage. These were later attracted to the Commanders' war cries and now watched the battle with amusement.

Some of those who went to look around the neighborhood came back a while later, alone or accompanied by some Chain that had not been able to reach the store before because of the rain, or some Bitty who was injured or had his nest/den damaged by bad weather and were temporarily homeless (and at least one dragging an adopter to sign the adoption papers while his soul shone with the new bond).

Those who stayed in the store spread out to help the other lamias or Vex herself by temporarily taking over the reception while it cleaned up the mess of messy, but good-hearted, puppies. They even guiding one or another adopter or visitor through the store (and more from one to the bathroom to clean up when they decided to take a look at the back garden and was hit by a stray mud missile).

A group joined the Honeys Bo at the front, hoping to feel their soul's call by a passerby and at least three thanked Vex and other lamias and left the store shelter to begin or resume their travels in search of their Soulbonds.

Vex, after cleaning the dirt and arranging a small vase for the two flowers given as a gift, went to check on Waflle with the puppies, leaving the reception with a Chain that was talking to a visitor and inviting him to take a look at the Mambas (almost like a salesman persuading a customer to take a look at a pair of diamond earrings from an exclusive line).

She went to look at the bathroom, but didn't find them there. Passing the kitchen she heard a commotion and decided to take a peek inside.

The skelepuppers were sitting at the end of a table, each equipped with a wooden spoon that they scraped in a large bowl between them. Baby Butter was further back with his own wooden spoon and his face and little hands all soiled with the contents of the bowl.

Waffle watched them fondly and with a little frustration. He had just bathed the two puppies (a task not so easy) and although the two managed to keep the dirt restricted to the face (nothing that a damp cloth would not solve) the same could not be said of his son who had smeared himself whole. Apparently today would be his day to bathe messy puppies.

Syrup was in its place at the top of Waffle's skull, and although, from time to time he turned and looked at his son with pure love, he was more focused on the rest of the kitchen leaving the watchman / baba service to his companion.

The Mamba watched the Papythons prepare the meals of the day, giving occasional orders and handing out tasks like a tiny Gordon Ramsay (but without the name-calling).

He had taken refuge in the kitchen with Butter early, the promise of treats being the best tactic to keep a child well-behaved and indoors (Butter was a very good puppy, but still a puppy and a much bigger one than Syrup, which sometimes made it a little difficult to control. Nothing that an incredible Mamba and an even better father couldn’t handle. But even Syrup had to admit that preventing a child, no matter how well behaved, and who had passed the last few days trapped between four walls, do not run outside and immediately throw yourself into puddles, it was a big challenge to be done without some dirty/sweet tactics).

But as soon as he entered the kitchen, and saw the larger lamias at work, he couldn't help but notice that the Papythons (even though they were very hardworking and competent in their jobs) urgently needed some help. And who would be better to help them than he, a wonderful and super competent Mamba? So he started to command them.

The Papythons were astonished with gratitude (in other words they had no idea how to deal with the little bossy snake and its smiling baby), staring at him paralyzed as he wandered around the kitchen inspecting and giving tips and orders (some half-senseless. They were not cooking no veal and it was certainly celery and not turnips) until the gigantic King appeared, with a grumpy puppy under each arm, and seeing the Papythons' desperate face (who absolutely did not want to be rude to someone who was obviously trying to help) came to the rescue.

Depositing the puppies on the table and helping his son to climb, he leaned over to pick up a bowl with leftover cake dough and whisper to one of the orange lamias that they just worked normally and when Mamba gave an order they just shouted “Yes Chef!". Straightening up, he took the bowl to the chicks and gave each one a spoon.

After that, things flowed like water. Syrup rose to the top of Waffle's skull and with a privileged view began to dictate more and more orders. The Papytons just shouted their agreement and continued to work normally (although some of the commands like: “Stir this soup more willingly!” and “Watch the egg point!” were really followed) little Mamba was swelling with pride when see everyone working so diligently under your command.

Waffle just delighted in the pleasure of his little love and the contentment of his son and puppies with his makeshift snack.

Vex watched in amusement for a few minutes. Syrup when he noticed Vex, shouted that the food would be ready in 5 minutes, while a Papython in the background made a movement with his hand indicating that it would take longer than the five minutes predicted by Mamba. She left them after that and went back to the reception, just in time to take a call about an old adopter wanting to pay a visit later and maybe get a new mate.

Before long, she would go to the back garden and give a "cease fire" when announcing lunch. The fighters would go through the car wash to get in and eat.

Edgar would collect the babys (letting the Kraits babies enter the car wash accompanied by adult Kraits. Not that they needed it, but it would be a good experience for the little ones to see what kinds of things they would be able to do, and more, as adults) and also would enter.

The Chains would enter, or the Papythons would take the lunches to them and the Honeys Bo and take the opportunity to have lunch under the sky, forming in a mixture of various warm and inviting shades of orangein front of the store.

The Mambas will take a break from their show and the Cornys... well they will continue to sleep, but they will still eat (somehow) their meals. Papython "cook" will remove the FireRings from the bottom of the grill and they will have lunch by the pool with the Kraits while these tell how their newest invention works.

Later on, there will be new visitors and potential adopters. The Corals will polish their new treasures and perhaps some will find their way, unconsciously, to the nest of some other lamia (and hopefully, the hands of some adopter).

When the afternoon progresses, and the weather gets a little cool, the Honeys Bo and the Chains will come in and seek the warmth of their nests or a companion for an afternoon nap. It may be that new Chains appear and others leave, being attracted by a mysterious and insistent pull on their souls.

The Pygmys will play with their hunting toys and may be able to convince some Mambas and even some Kings to join together (the Kings throwing the toys for the Pygmys to catch and the Mambas to attack).

The Commanders will gather in their nest, plotting new battle plans while Cherry takes inventory of their spoils of war (a toy mouse washed but still stained with mud, 2 snail shells, several helmets half shattered and already withering, a bag of seeds, some candy wrappers and several paper clips that they picked up on the way back to the nest).

The Cornys will return under the anti-poison refrigerator (or more precisely, they will be replaced by the helpful Papython who had taken them out that morning) where the Grillbitty (who had spent the day at the bottom of the kitchen oven, sleeping in perfect peace and quiet thanks to the comfortable and soothing noise from the oven flames. He loves his companions Corny, he really does, but even he needs a break from all the snoring, puns and fart pads every now and then and with everyone trapped in the same space for the past few days, he more that he needed some time alone and in silence) awaits you with his warm welcome.

Perhaps more at night, when the last visitor leaves and the store closes, Vex will go to the recreation room and put on a movie to watch. Honey and Poff will curl up on each side, while the Papythons distribute soft blankets and hot chocolate to the lamias who decide to join them.

Or maybe she reads a little while the wind is blowing outside. The Kings curled around her listening intently, their hoods vibrating softly to suppress the excitement with the story or the new word learned.

Edgar, with Quetzl wrapped around his neck, can bring the babies, who will sleep before the end of the story, but until then they will hear ecstatic and thirsty to absorb more about the world, real or imagined, contained in the pages.

Regardless of what she chooses, Waffle will sit with your baby in your arms and your love around and enjoy the peaceful night and the pure happiness of being with those she loves. He and Syrup will watch the baby Butter coo for colorful figures on TV or let out occasional “Mwah!” at strategic moments in history.

But this is later, for now Vex welcomes a new adopter, listening carefully to be able to help them find the best lamia companion possible.

It's just another day like so many others in the store. The sun is shining outside, birds are singing, flowers are blooming and bittys are up and having fun. On days like this, Vex is sure that many of his dear noodles will find a good home and a happy family, and even those who not (by choice or because it was not yet time), they will always have a safe place in the store and good friends to share.

A welcoming home and a loving family was what Vex's Lamia Bittybones Adoption Center and Clinic really was.

*

Comments, questions and criticisms are welcome and thank you for reading!

[emiisanxious]

Ignorance - Chapter 3

Archive of Our Own Link

Rating: Mature

Archive Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con

Category: Gen

Fandom: Sanders Sides (Web Series)

Additional Tags:

Angst

Hurt No Comfort

Emotional Hurt

Panic Attacks

Rape/Non-con Elements

Violence

Blood and Violence

Sexual Violence

Threats of Violence

Aftermath of Violence

Broken Bones

Blood and Injury

Blood and Torture

Blood

Torture

Psychological Torture

Past Torture

Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders

Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus “The Duke” Sanders

Alcohol

Former Dark Side Anxiety | Virgil Sanders

Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Dark Side

Anxiety | Virgil Sanders as Paranoia

Summary: “"Wait..." Janus cut Virgil before he could keep talking. "Before we keep going, we need to stop a bit."”

Note: Not all tags are in this chapters, some are in other’s chapters but just for the sake of it, read the additional tags since it will be on the rest of the fic.

"Wait..." Janus cut Virgil before he could keep talking. "Before we keep going, we need to stop a bit." It bought everyone ones, except his one, as Virgil understood it very well, then he turned his eyes around. "Yeah. How about this: We change what we are wearing to something more comfortable since we are going to stay here a lot. Remus, to something more comfortable not to be just undressed." He added before the Dark Creativity was just naked.

"Then we talk about something else for a bit or even we can talk about what we already told so we can reason this." He could feel the fear slowly going down as he looks at Patton breathing more calmly. "Also, maybe some plushies or pillow." That brought a smile at the Morality Trait, as Virgil smiles and so just shrugs at it, looking to Janus who stopped then first. "Thanks." For more than they don't see eye-to-eye now, that doesn't mean he forgot everything the other did. Thinking now, maybe he should try to relax more around the snake.

They all disappeared or just walked to their room, taking around 10 minutes they are all back, Virgil was in his Jack Skelligton onesies he took out his makeup, as he probably was going to fall asleep after that and would be too tired to do that, letting his pillow there as he lays on the floor looking the ceiling. The next one to show up was Janus and Remus, the deceitful side was using black pants and a long-sleeved shirt, he did let his gloves, hat, and cape behind on his room probably having the same idea as Virgil. Remus was totally inverted, he was using black shorts with a green neon tank top, he was without makeup as well.

The yellow and the green trait deciding to just sit down on the couch where Virgil was near. "You know... It's been a while since we stayed together like this." Remus said as Anxiety looked at him. "Yeah... We used to do this shit all the time. Although you always fed my fears with your creativity, and Janus had literally to shut you up, it was a nice way to pass the nights." He confessed as he looks to the ceiling again. "Maybe we could do that again someday..." The purple side trailed off as he hears Logan appearing on the stairs and then going down.

For once Logan was using his unicorn onesies willing as he just sits on the dad chair that Roman was before, with a pillow to put on his head if they end up sleeping everyone there. "Virgil, Janus?" Logic was been cautioning as he speaks, but all that he received was the Anxious and Deceitful side turning his head and nod. "Did you suggested this because of Patton?"

They both looked at each other and chuckled a bit. "Yes." They both said as they looked upstairs but as no one comes Janus was the first one to talk. "He was... Lying on his head all the time. Saying that he was comfortable to hear it. That was fine since he asked for it. But you know... With me here lying is... Impossible. Also, I'm the self-preservation embodiment, I can sense when someone is trying to go against their trait." It was a small shrug as Deceit just relaxed and let him sit comfortably on the couch.

Virgil let the other speak first as he was looking to the stair again, and then to Logan. "To sum up for me, I was feeling his fears. Although I don't know about what exactly upset him more, he was terrified. So, it was getting to a point where I wanted to just make it vanish as I did with Remus."

"About that Kiddo..." Patton was back in his cat onesies, hugging a cat size, cat plushy. Behind him was Roman with Olaf onesies and two pillows on his arms, they both walked downstairs and sit on the other side of the couch getting comfortable. "What was that? Remus was really upset about you doing whatever it was." Morality finished his phrase as he hugs the cat.

"That is a nice way to keep this going." The Anxious side trailed off, it was just a matter of fact till they asked him that, and soon enough he could see the Three clueless one looking at him, while Janus and Remus sighs. "As I said to Logan and I will explain a bit futter, I can sense when you all are in physical danger, thanks for that Roman freak me out a lot because of that since he goes to Imagination often to do quests." He could see the Creativity side surprised, in which he just chuckles. "It's fine. It's nothing bad really."

"That wasn't a lie." Janus implemented. "I can't lie with you here so shut up." That was normal bickering between Deceit and Anxiety which makes Janus, Remus, and Virgil chuckle about it. "I can also sense fears and obviously calm them down. Mostly now with Logan's help with coping mechanisms or some type of exercise. But before that... I would just... Pull towards me." He heard Remus sigh annoyed.

"You see." The Dark Creativity keeps up from where Virgil let it go. "As J-anus can move people's hands to shut up them, Vee can put his hand on others and make the panic goes to him. But, don't try to shut me up, if you're going to talk about the past then you need to let them know." A long sigh between Janus and Remus and then Remus and Virgil.

"But it hurts me... More often than not, I would just lock myself in my room and freak out about it, till the panic was over because that is a way to heal, or the wound healed itself by time if the panic was so bad that freaking out wasn't working." The Purple trait confessed as he looks to Roman, Patton, and Logan. "Later, I found ways of dealing with it, without needing to resource to that."

A silently falls on the room as Virgil just pick up the bottle with the purple drink and drink it. "Well, that will be fun. Aside from that. Patton are you better?" He didn't want to call out, but again he was looking between Patton and Janus, it was obvious that the first one wasn't feeling better.

"I-I... How he, no how they could do that to you?" That was all the father figure could say and the Purple trait sighed about it. "You mean welcome me with kicks, broken my arm and ribs?"

"Virgil, you are new there! You didn't know anything about what was happening! You..." It was nice to finally understand why Patton was so upset about it, pointing that a pause was really a nice choice. "Well... Because they are scared. Funny enough, now that I'm talking about and thinking more clearly... They were scared about someone new ruling over The Other's commons room. They were scared that they would be beaten up to as they did. So they... Retaliated first."

"I'm not saying they were right or that was justified. But if you want to understand The Others, you will need to look from their point of view. Janus was throwing blind trust towards me if you look back that. He didn't know if I was a nicer trait, or if I was a jerk trait. Like you pointed it I was new. Yet he decided to try to trust me when he first saw me..."

"Before you jump to a conclusion or pass the wrong information, I decided to trust you because my instincts told me to. Something inside me told me that you were an essential key to change that place. And if I wanted to stop everything there I should trust you." Janus was clear as he cut Virgil. "Sorry to cut you, but I didn't want to lie. Just..." Deceit looked down as he thoughts a bit more. "I and Remus weren't powerful enough to stop it, Logic always calmed whatever nightmares Remus gave him, even Creativity would stop his Dark Creativity get out. Morality would always see behind lies and say that Lie is bad... And you all were doing your jobs so it wasn't again self-preservation."

"So, Wrath always had the power to do as they please. So a new Dark Trait? Was worth a shot to see if they would be more powerful and able to rule over." The snake laughed a bit. "We just didn't expect to be a scared one."

"Oh, Dee ~ Vee is way too nice ~." Remus laughed together. "That was what I told Deceit when we talked about Virgil, yeah we talked about your back sorry. But we saw something good. Vee was Paranoia, he was feared, if we could bring him to be powerful to rule over our problems would end. Yet as the four months I was ruling over, went by we noticed a big problem."

"Like I can't stop lying, Remus can't stop thinking about gross things, Virgil couldn't stop feeling fear and scared, and with the welcoming, he was given it was more obvious that for more that he had the potential to do, he wouldn't do." Janus continued what Remus wanted to say.

"You know, I'm right here right?" Virgil looked to both kinda angry, kinda happy, as he just jumps on both of them lying his head over Deceit's lap and letting his knees rest over the Duke's lap. "Jerks." With that, the trio started laughing, Roman, Patton, and Logan kept looking at that and then at each other surprised with that reaction.

"Kiddo..." Patton tried to talk something but it was obvious to him that he calmed down a lot with that small talk.

"Hey Patton, keep up remembering that he is fine now, or that he at least have someone to help him while his staying on The Other Side." Logan said looking to Morality who noded, it was clear to the father figure that for more than Virgil didn't have a nice time there, it was obviously attached to the two who helped him.

"You know... You three seem to get along very well." Roman finally said something while looking at the three pilled up, he didn't remember when was the last time he saw Virgil been open up about anything.

"Are you jealous Princey?" The fight or flight reflex teased the fanciful side, as he could see the shock. "No!" Which draws more laughs from the trio on the couch. "Well, alcohol has this effect, jokes aside... When Dee isn't lying or Re isn't talking about the gross things that come over his mind, I can be more relaxed around them. I just hate lies and having my fears and panic fed up." Another confession from Virgil as he looked to Janus, smiling slightly. Then he was met with both of the Dark sides smiling too.

"But, well back to history? We still have at least... What years?" Virgil was pondering about it.

"Nah, we should try to keep it summed up at the daily gross parts that aren't necessary and just tell the ones who are necessary." Remus said calmly as he looks to the Light sides. "If they really want to see all the daily gross parts I can give them in nightmare forms ~!" For more, he was saying that happily and in his teasing voice, it was easy to notice he wasn't comfortable doing that.

"Fine... Well, I guess we should tell what happened to Remus after the four months? Since it led to me figuring my power?" Virgil asked looking to the Duke who was now sighing and summoning another Vodka bottle. "Well..."

Notes: The reason why this turned out a lot lighter? I guessed that Patton wouldn't be able to handle so much violence at once and as Virgil and Janus were there, they would notice it and try to light it up. Not by changing the topic, but by something more like a break and talk about it trying to reason it out first so it wouldn't be a lot of information at once to digest.

Other than that, hope you all enjoyed ~!

Also, I bet Logan and Roman are really OOC, mostly because both are the most away from my own personality. Sorry about that.

[lambencies]

.                                   KAIRI’S MEMORY BOX

                                            -----  ♚  -----

   For as long as she’s called Destiny Islands her home, Kairi’s memories & recollections of her past have been shattered, broken & messy, with no clear connections or explanations to call upon. There are holes & sharp, jagged gaps that riddle the expanse of her mind, each with their own certain pains & aches that come when acknowledgement is given to their existence. There is so much pain -- sometimes too much pain -- that follows the scattered nothingness that plagues her memory; patches of guilt that haunt her (there are important people she can’t remember -- she’s aware of this, & it pains her so deeply), pits filled with a terrifying emptiness, & trains of thought that all too suddenly derail. No matter how much time she spends wading through & attempting to connect the dots between all the little sheds of what memories happen to live on, Kairi hasn’t come anywhere closer to the answers & revelations she’s always so strongly yearned for.

   There is quite a bit of ache that the many holes in her heart cause, & because of this Kairi doesn’t speak about her amnesia often (& when she does, there is nonchalance aplenty, as to not bring any unneeded seriousness or concern about). Even though she never falters in her outward facade of acceptance toward the subject & always makes it seem as though she’s generally okay with her amnesia, Kairi knows it’s very much just a thick skin she’s crafted in hopes of warding off any small shred of worry those around her may harbour. She knows it probably doesn’t work (her friends & family know her so well that she wouldn’t be surprised if the act doesn’t fool them), but the thought of giving the people she loves one less thing to worry about always makes her feel just a bit better. There isn’t much she’s ever been able to do to help Sora & Riku especially, but if the most she can do is keep her issues & anxieties to herself, then that’s what she’ll do.

   Even with all of this in mind though, Kairi isn’t stupid enough to think that her mental well-being can get away with just avoiding the anxieties & fears that ail her everyday (nightmares so palpable & scathing that it isn’t unusual for them to leave her in a daze for days at a time). She is more than keen to the fact that, if she can’t relieve herself of her burdens with the help of others -- no matter how dearly she wishes she could -- then she must figure out a way to work through the roughest moments on her own; the 2:37am nights that are as hot with humidity as they are the visceral fear of forgetting. The solution she came up with? A Memory Box. 

   Kairi’s Memory Box is a medium size, latched box with a rather muted demeanor. Light blue, trimmed with white lace & painted with miscellaneous seashells of various shapes & sizes, it’s small enough to easily slide under the foot of her bed, but also big enough to stow away whichever treasures she sees fit. To anyone else, the contents of her Memory Box may seem... rather baffling & confusing. At first it seems like a bunch of junk & odd trinkets; quite akin to that of your mom’s kitchen junk drawer -- there’s lots in there, but none of it really has any use, meaning or relation to each other. But, context is important! At a glance these items seem meaningless & unimportant, but every single item Kairi places in this box is placed there for a reason: they all have a very specific story, feeling or moment attached to them.

   That old popsicle stick? It’s from the first ever time Kairi, Sora & Riku shared ice cream together, from the day she arrived at the Islands. It was a smotheringly hot afternoon & she can still remember how good the coldness felt in her hands as the ice cream melted & dripped; the wide, toothy grin she wore against her freckles as Sora & Riku warmed up to her with their playful bantering; the oranges & reds of a painted sunset, refracting off the still shore. Those two pressed flower petals? They’re from her time in middle school, when she played a princess in the school play, & her father congratulated her at the end with a big bouquet of island flowers. She remembers how warm & full they smelled; how gorgeous they looked sitting on her bedside table for the next week; how happy & proud of herself she felt every time their pinks, purples & yellows caught her eye. Those goofy polaroids of Tidus’ blurry, misshapen face? They were taken during one of their random trips to the small island. Kairi had just gotten a new polaroid camera from her dad as a birthday gift, & was so excited to try it out that she secretly used Tidus as a model to test her photography skills on. They turned out horribly, but she loves them because their silliness is part of their charm, & they remind her of just how much fun she had that day. 

   You see, these items are memories in tangible form. Kairi’s amnesia & loss of so many important details from her past life have affected her on such a deep & personal level, that she now lives her life absolutely terrified of forgetting all these new, warm memories she’s managed to cultivate over the years. She knows that there must be so many fond, soft & lovely memories that have completely vanished from her known existence, & the mere suggestion of losing all the new ones she’s been able to collect & stow away since her arrival on Destiny Islands leaves her with rib crushing anxiety, & the fact that she’s already forgotten about Sora once before only furthers those fears. So, she decided at a young age that she would make sure she never forgets another important memory, moment or feeling ever again, by collecting tokens of their representation to keep forever. It’s turned out to be quite handy when the nightmares visit, or sudden panic strikes. Since she doesn’t feel compelled to speak to Sora or Riku about these burdens in fear of adding to their already heavy load, her Memory Box becomes a sort of sanctuary when the nightmares visit or the sudden panic strikes during late, summer nights. She’ll simply flick her bedside lamp on, sit criss-cross applesauce on her bedroom floor, tug the box out from under her bed, & steep herself in the happiest memories of her life all while reminding herself that even if she forgets everything again tomorrow, they’d never be gone for long.

[artificialqueens]

The Parent Trap (Biadore) [Chapter 2] - Henny

A/N: Hello, Dolls! I’m so happy with all of the positive feedback I’m getting from this story. I’m superduper overwhelmed! Anyway, I don’t know how you’ll take this chapter because it is currently 3:10AM as I write this. So, please enjoy my sleep-deprived and coffee-induced writing.

P.S Do you like my new line breaks? HAHAHA

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Portia woke up with someone poking her side. She grumbled a bit before burying her face further into her backpack which was pressed against the window. She started to doze off again, but the persistent finger or the person attached to it, rather continued to poke her ribs harshly. Portia’s hand suddenly grasped the stranger’s tightly, not even bothering to open her eyes.

“Stop it or I will cut you, Bitch.” She whispered threateningly to the stranger. She let go of the hand and will probably never put a face to it during the whole two weeks.

“Wow, I can’t believe you actually scared off Nick. He’s literally twice your size.” A new voice said. Portia opened one eye and looked at the girl in front of her. Well, the two minutes of not knowing whose finger it was was good while it lasted.

“That was a guy? Man, he had the most feminine hands! I thought I was holding a rose or something.” The girl laughed at her comment, and that made Portia very happy. The girl, name still unknown, reminded her of Bendelacreme with her looks and mannerisms. And, not to mention, the super upbeat tempo while she speaks.

“I like you. I’m Taffy.” The girl introduced herself, a hand reaching out to Portia.

“What kind of name is Taffy? Were your parents like high or something?” She blurted out. Porsche! She can almost hear her Dad’s disapproving tone which is kind of hypocritical, if you think about it: Adore is as shady as Bianca AND he was probably high when he named her.

Because of her mouth, usually, other people would leave Portia and never talk to her again, but Taffy stayed; she also laughed! Again.

“No, silly. It’s short for Taffeta!” Taffy giggled and bopped her nose. Good, Lord.

“Isn’t that like a fabric or something? Your parents named you after a roll of fabric.” At this point, Portia wasn’t in control of what left her mouth. She felt kinda bad, but at the same time felt the need to say it.

“Noo… It means delicate.” Taffy moved her body in a way, as if to say she was, in fact “delicate”.

“Bitch, I don’t know about you, but you’ll always be a roll of fabric to me.” Portia shrugged and the girl shoved her shoulder playfully.

“Okay, okay. Laugh all you want, but I still don’t know your name.”

“Portia.”

“Damn, okay. I don’t know how to make fun of that.” Taffy sighed in defeat. Portia laughed and felt that she was going to like Taffy and it was definitely the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

They continued to talk about whatever they could talk about, mostly the people in the bus. Portia definitely did not humor Taffy when she asked to play I Spy for the nth time.

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“Miss Haylock? We’re here.” Nerissa rolled her eyes and pulled out one of the earbuds stuck in her ears. She jumped out of the car and stretched a bit, taking in the atmosphere of the place in front of her. Music camp, huh. Who would’ve thought her dad would allow her?

“Cut the crap, Uncle Shane! You don’t have to go all formal escort on me.” She said as she walked to where her godfather was, and helped him retrieve her bags.

“You know, your dad says you’re an angel, but you’re a little monster, aren’t you? Not even a thank you, tsk tsk tsk” Shane teased as he carried her duffle bag out of the trunk. Nerissa watched as her uncle moved her bags from the trunk to the pavement.

“Well, I learned from the best. Heh. For what it’s worth, for a twink, you’re pretty darn strong.” She smiled in mock sweetness at the older man whose eyes widened.

“Where did you learn that word?” Shane asked, panicked, bending down to meet the girl eye-to-eye.

“What? Twink?” Nerissa repeated, a slight smirk playing on her lips.

“Yes, and don’t repeat it. EVER.” Shane was shaking her now with his hands slowly gripping her shoulders tighter.

“Hmmm… When I was “sleeping”, I overheard your conversation with– who’s Dan? Or should I say Daddy?”  She was full on smirking now as she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

“Ughhhh! Roy’s gonna kill me!” Shane threw his head back in despair and the little girl only laughed in delight. Shane regained his composure before he stared into her eyes with his own eyes narrowed.

“What do you want?” He asked and she smiles, pleased.

“Hundred, please. Also, I need new pointe shoes. Hmm… I wonder how I’ll get my new shoes now…” She sighed loudly, her green eyes still holding Shane’s stare as he grabbed his wallet to grab a hundred dollar bill. Nerissa opened up her palm to accept the cash, choosing to ignore Shane’s angry mumbling.

“Now about my shoes…”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll get you new ones. Roy knows it, right?” Shane asked, no anger in his voice anymore because he truly loves the girl and can’t stay mad at her for a long time.

“Duh! Thanks, Uncle Shane. Love you!” She beamed at the man. Shane rolled his eyes, but kissed her forehead still, whispering a quick “I love you” against her hair. He was about to enter his car when he saw that Nerissa was no longer smiling, but rather frowning with her eyes trained to the ground. He rushed to her side.

“Hey, hey. What’s wrong, Little Duck?” He asked, cupping the girl’s cheek gently to face him. His heart broke when he saw teary green eyes look back at him. “Oh, Sweetheart.” Shane cooed as he pushed a few of Nerissa’s hair away from her face to wipe her tears. He brought the girl into his arms and rubbed her back affectionately, trying to mimic Roy’s movements in comforting the girl.

“What if nobody likes me? And– and nobody wants to be my friend?” Nerissa sobbed which only made Shane’s heart break even more. Sometimes, he forgets that Nerissa was also part Danny and she can’t always put on a brave face like Roy does.

“Then it’s their lost because they’d be missing out! Besides if they don’t want to be your friend then why do you want to become their friend? They’re clearly not worth it, Babe. Unless they gonna pay your bills, pay them bitches no mind.” That brought out a small giggle from the girl which made Shane smile in relief.

“And, remember what I taught you? The one my good friend taught me?– I wish you could meet her, you’d love her.” He asked, the little girl still wrapped in his arms.

“Mhmmm” Nerissa nodded, the twinkle of happiness starting to return in her eyes.

“If they’re mean to you, what do you say?” Shane asked. Nerissa straightened her posture and squared her small shoulders.

“Beat it, Queen!” She said sassily. Shane laughed and hugged his goddaughter tighter. After exchanging quick goodbyes, he rushed back to the car and took another glance at Nerissa who blew him a kiss and waved him goodbye.

“Go get ‘em, Princess!” He exclaimed as he, too blew her a kiss and started his long ass fuck drive back to New York City.

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“WELCOME GIRLS AND BOYS!” The banner greeted them. Portia wrinkled her nose at the stench of sweat and mud. She adjusted her bag up her shoulder and started to walk to the bulletin board.

“Porsche! What bunk are you in? Are we together” Taffy asked as she pulled her suitcase behind her.

“I haven’t checked. I just got my bag from that dog pile over there.” She shrugged and pointed towards a pile of duffle bags near the busses.

“Oh, shit.” Taffy cursed in shock, eyes widening at the amount of kids trying to retrieve their stuff as Portia read the listings.

“Noriega–Noriega–Nor– Here we go: Noriega, Portia. I’m in Strings Cabin!” Portia informed Taffy who bustled over to read the list.

“Michaels, Taffeta… Strings! YESSS!” The girls cheered as they tried to move against the hundreds of teenagers in the place.

“HEY! HEY! Give that back!” Portia heard a little boy’s voice shriek and her head instantly snapped to where the voice called out. She saw a little boy, probably three years younger, jump up and down to reach his bag from the grasp of…oh, Nicholas and his minions. She smirked.

“Portia, don’t! Not now, please?” Taffy begged, knowing what Portia was already planning to do

“This is just going to be quick.” Portia answered as she approached the scene of the crime.

“Hey, dickhead! Don’t you have anything better to do? It’s the first day, for Christ’s sake.” She crossed her arms as she stood in front of the group of boys. That got Nick’s attention, he dropped the bag and approached Portia who didn’t bat an eye.

“Do you really want to go there?” He threatened, getting close to her face.

“Yeah, I do. What are you gonna do about it? Hit me with your girly hands?” Portia snorted and could hear Nick’s friends trying to hold their laughter as the man himself looked taken aback.

“They agree."

“What are you talking about?” Nick asked furiously, throwing a quick glare to his minions to shut them up.

“I’m talking about how your mom’s ‘special’ hand lotion seems to be working well for you.”

“Yo– I–She do–”

“Does she realize that her son’s probably using her stuff to get smoother hands than she does?” She arched an eyebrow at him. His mouth gaped open and close until he huffed and walked away. She smiled victoriously as she walked back to her group of friends.

“Woah, Momma!” Taffy cheered and Portia took a bow before laughing loudly.

“How were you not scared?” The boy she saved from earlier asked, still tensed.

“Oh, I was, trust me. But, like my favorite Drag Queen always said: Never let a Bitch see you sweat.”

A/N This chapter made no sense, but it was fun to write! Ooh. I also plan to add links of the previous chapters below my fics from now on to give you an easier time to catch up with it, if ever. HIHIHIHI bye!

Previous chapters! Prologue | Chapter One

[sarahaltmanposts]

Time To Get Filled

July 24, 2018

I’m not talking about going to fill up my car with gas.  Or being filled with emotion. Or being full from a meal. Nope, now when I’m talking about getting filled these days, I’m referring to my boobs!

Sometimes I forget that this whole cancer thing started with a lump in my breast.  Since the initial find and surgery, my cancer journey has had little do to with my breasts. True, I felt tremendous sadness and there was definitely a mourning period after learning I’d lose my breasts.  But medically and physically speaking, compared to chemo, this part of the journey has been a breeze.  

From the beginning, I was grateful for some of the humorous experiences I encountered along the way. Fair warning, some of this blog does get a bit graphic.

One of the first things I had to do after learning I’d be undergoing a bi-lateral mastectomy was to choose a Plastic Surgeon.  My Surgical Oncologist referred me to two different doctors that she regularly works with because as it turns out, this is a highly collaborative process between the two doctors. After meeting with both choices, our decision was clear.

The seven hour procedure started with the Surgical Oncologist.  She made an almost semi-circle incision tracing my nipple and across my breast towards my armpit.  She then removed all the breast tissue.  I was lucky because my cancer was located in a position that would allow for ‘nipple sparing’- meaning I’d get to keep my nipples. Yay?  Hadn’t even thought about the fact that I wouldn’t have nipples, but yeh, many women going through this process can’t keep their nipples and end up either going without a nipple or using a tattoo artist that creates a fierce looking three dimensional nipple.  But yes, YAY, I would get to keep mine.  So in addition to removing the breast tissue, my nipples are removed, scraped clean to make sure there are no cancer cells and placed to the side for the next step.  She also removed two lymph nodes to check if the cancer had spread.

After the Surgical Oncologist is done, she hands the surgery over to my Plastic Surgeon, who places expanders in my breasts.  Expanders are kinda like little balloons or pockets that, well, expand when fluid is put in them.  They have a valve where saline solution can be inserted to expand the pocket and create a space where the implant will eventually be placed.  At the time of the surgery, the plastic surgeon places a small amount of saline in the expanders, so I actually left the hospital only a little smaller than I had entered.  But over time, the expanders could be filled further.

A little fun/ weird fact:  the expanders are covered with cadaver skin so the body doesn’t reject them.  That kinda grossed me out for a second, but it quickly turned to gratitude for the people who donated their skin so that I could have a successful recovery.

The Plastic Surgeon completes the surgery by replacing my nipples, placing drains in to make sure I don’t accumulate fluids, and stitching me back together. I was surprised when I learned that I wouldn’t be wrapped or bound at all after the surgery.  Instead, there was a very thin adhesive placed over my entire chest that held everything in place.

Seeing my chest for the first time afterwards wasn’t really shocking at all.  There were lots of sutures and my left arm was more sore from where the lymph nodes had been removed.  But honestly, my breasts didn’t look a whole lot different than before surgery.

The worst part of the whole recovery for me, hands down, was the drains.  I had four drains, emptying fluid into these little bulbs, and they were very uncomfortable and cumbersome.  And because of these drains, I was unable to shower for a couple weeks.  Ewwwww!  I’m a shower lover, so taking that away was not good.

Emptying the drains was not the most pleasant experience, but my younger son really got into it.  He’d empty and measure every morning and track my progress. Two drains came out one week post surgery.  And when the other two drains were removed a week later, I felt free!  It was wonderful.

The rest of recovery was very manageable.  The expanders were uncomfortable at first, feeling like they were wedging into one of my rib bones, but after a while, that subsided.  By four weeks after the surgery I was able to  use my arms and get back to driving again.

So let me get to some of the amusing experiences!  I’d assumed I’d have to wear something binding after surgery, so when my Plastic Surgeon told me I couldn’t wear a bra, I was surprised.  I’ve always worn a bra.  Always. Hmmm….ok.  But to ensure the nipples stay where she placed them, the doctor said I shouldn’t have any pressure on my chest.  OK, so no bra.  I’m happy to report that several months later, I’ve come to really enjoy the braless experience.  In fact, when this is all done, I’m not sure I’m going to enjoy going back to being bound up!

The other thing that I found surprising was when I realized my nipples will always be nippy!  All. The. Time. I’m not sure why the doctor never thought to mention this little tidbit of information.  I mean, I guess because they were removed and placed back on me without being attached to any muscles or nerves, I should’ve known it, but a little head’s up would’ve been nice!  So it’s kinda weird to look down and always find them nice and nippy.  And since I can’t wear a bra, the rest of the world can see that too.  I’ve managed to get around it a bit by wearing t-shirts with a lot of designs on them.  My doctor said if it bothered me (Am I the only one who is self-conscious when my nips are nippy?), I could either wear a shelf bra, (No, thank you. In the heat of the LA summer, adding another layer is not an option.) or pasties.  Tried the pasty once, left a rash on my skin- so that’s out.  Ok, I guess I’ll deal with the nippy thing.

Also, I have absolutely no sensation in my breasts or nipples; I can’t feel when I touch them at all.  I thought to ask about this before surgery, so it wasn’t such a surprise afterwards.  My husband and I both had a bit or a mourning period about the loss of what had been a very pleasurable part of my sexual experience. I guess it’s just one of the casualties of this cancer.  But it’s a strange sensation for sure, to give someone a hug and feel something between us, only to realize it’s my breasts! Or to try to lay on my stomach and feel like I’m being supported by a foreign object!  

But so far, the most fun part of the process has been getting filled!  I’ve returned to the doctor’s office twice to be filled. The second time I brought my husband so he could have a good laugh too.  First the nurse places a magnet on my breast to find the valve in the expander and marks it.  Then she takes this big ‘ole syringe filled with saline and a big ‘ole needle on the end and inserts it right through my skin into the valve in the expander.  It is REALLY weird to see a big ‘ole needle stuck into you and feel NOTHING!  And here’s the best part- the nurse begins to inject the saline and I can actually see my breast enlarging!  It’s so cool!  

The first time I had it done I was immediately aware of the additional weight I was now carrying in my breasts.  It felt like they were weighing me down and causing me to lean me forward.  (They probably weren’t really, but it felt that way!) And because it was so warm out and the saline was cool from the doctor’s office, I felt the coolness in my chest.  Just so amazing!

At the second filling, I was unsure about using the full syringe of saline to fill me because I was thinking it would make my breasts too large.  So the nurse filled me up half way, giving my husband and I time to look and see how we’d each feel about the possibilities of going larger. There’s a strange irony in deciding the size of my breasts after all of this. The nurse shared that this is the one part of the cancer journey that most women really appreciate because WE get to control the outcome. We get to decide what size we’re going to be.  Bigger?  Same size as before?  Smaller?  I get to choose! In the end, I didn’t go larger than that half syringe.  I felt I was already pretty full!

My younger son is just in awe of all of this.  He jokes that I should go Dolly Parton big.  But I’m actually enjoying having breasts that are full again. After breast feeding both boys, my breasts had deflated dramatically and now that is remedied.

At the beginning, I’d wake in the middle of the night feeling something getting in my way only to realize it was my breasts.  They stay up even when I’m down! I guess that’ll just take some time to get used to!

So this part of the process is done.  The next time I see the Plastic Surgeon will be a pre-op appointment to discuss the last phase of my reconstruction, when the expanders are removed and the implants are placed.  I learned there’s another bonus to this phase because in order to make the implants look more natural, the doctor will take fat from another part of my body- most likely my stomach- through liposuction.  At first I was adverse to this idea because it will add to my recovery time.  But I was told that choosing to do this really does make a difference aesthetically and as my husband reminded me, it will allow me the freedom to gain a little weight during my next phase of chemo guilt free.  

But because nothing can happen until chemo is done, the final stage of this cancer journey will happen around Christmas when my new breasts will be complete.  

For now, I’m enjoying having these liquid filled expanders.  My boobs are squishy in a way they never were before, kinda like having little water beds in my chest. The scars are starting to fade.  And soon, this will all be just a perky memory.

In loving,

Sarah