lambencies - Tumblr blog

[lambencies]

me,, thinking abt all the hcs i still needta re-write......

[lambencies]

.                                   KAIRI’S MEMORY BOX

                                            -----  ♚  -----

   For as long as she’s called Destiny Islands her home, Kairi’s memories & recollections of her past have been shattered, broken & messy, with no clear connections or explanations to call upon. There are holes & sharp, jagged gaps that riddle the expanse of her mind, each with their own certain pains & aches that come when acknowledgement is given to their existence. There is so much pain -- sometimes too much pain -- that follows the scattered nothingness that plagues her memory; patches of guilt that haunt her (there are important people she can’t remember -- she’s aware of this, & it pains her so deeply), pits filled with a terrifying emptiness, & trains of thought that all too suddenly derail. No matter how much time she spends wading through & attempting to connect the dots between all the little sheds of what memories happen to live on, Kairi hasn’t come anywhere closer to the answers & revelations she’s always so strongly yearned for.

   There is quite a bit of ache that the many holes in her heart cause, & because of this Kairi doesn’t speak about her amnesia often (& when she does, there is nonchalance aplenty, as to not bring any unneeded seriousness or concern about). Even though she never falters in her outward facade of acceptance toward the subject & always makes it seem as though she’s generally okay with her amnesia, Kairi knows it’s very much just a thick skin she’s crafted in hopes of warding off any small shred of worry those around her may harbour. She knows it probably doesn’t work (her friends & family know her so well that she wouldn’t be surprised if the act doesn’t fool them), but the thought of giving the people she loves one less thing to worry about always makes her feel just a bit better. There isn’t much she’s ever been able to do to help Sora & Riku especially, but if the most she can do is keep her issues & anxieties to herself, then that’s what she’ll do.

   Even with all of this in mind though, Kairi isn’t stupid enough to think that her mental well-being can get away with just avoiding the anxieties & fears that ail her everyday (nightmares so palpable & scathing that it isn’t unusual for them to leave her in a daze for days at a time). She is more than keen to the fact that, if she can’t relieve herself of her burdens with the help of others -- no matter how dearly she wishes she could -- then she must figure out a way to work through the roughest moments on her own; the 2:37am nights that are as hot with humidity as they are the visceral fear of forgetting. The solution she came up with? A Memory Box. 

   Kairi’s Memory Box is a medium size, latched box with a rather muted demeanor. Light blue, trimmed with white lace & painted with miscellaneous seashells of various shapes & sizes, it’s small enough to easily slide under the foot of her bed, but also big enough to stow away whichever treasures she sees fit. To anyone else, the contents of her Memory Box may seem... rather baffling & confusing. At first it seems like a bunch of junk & odd trinkets; quite akin to that of your mom’s kitchen junk drawer -- there’s lots in there, but none of it really has any use, meaning or relation to each other. But, context is important! At a glance these items seem meaningless & unimportant, but every single item Kairi places in this box is placed there for a reason: they all have a very specific story, feeling or moment attached to them.

   That old popsicle stick? It’s from the first ever time Kairi, Sora & Riku shared ice cream together, from the day she arrived at the Islands. It was a smotheringly hot afternoon & she can still remember how good the coldness felt in her hands as the ice cream melted & dripped; the wide, toothy grin she wore against her freckles as Sora & Riku warmed up to her with their playful bantering; the oranges & reds of a painted sunset, refracting off the still shore. Those two pressed flower petals? They’re from her time in middle school, when she played a princess in the school play, & her father congratulated her at the end with a big bouquet of island flowers. She remembers how warm & full they smelled; how gorgeous they looked sitting on her bedside table for the next week; how happy & proud of herself she felt every time their pinks, purples & yellows caught her eye. Those goofy polaroids of Tidus’ blurry, misshapen face? They were taken during one of their random trips to the small island. Kairi had just gotten a new polaroid camera from her dad as a birthday gift, & was so excited to try it out that she secretly used Tidus as a model to test her photography skills on. They turned out horribly, but she loves them because their silliness is part of their charm, & they remind her of just how much fun she had that day. 

   You see, these items are memories in tangible form. Kairi’s amnesia & loss of so many important details from her past life have affected her on such a deep & personal level, that she now lives her life absolutely terrified of forgetting all these new, warm memories she’s managed to cultivate over the years. She knows that there must be so many fond, soft & lovely memories that have completely vanished from her known existence, & the mere suggestion of losing all the new ones she’s been able to collect & stow away since her arrival on Destiny Islands leaves her with rib crushing anxiety, & the fact that she’s already forgotten about Sora once before only furthers those fears. So, she decided at a young age that she would make sure she never forgets another important memory, moment or feeling ever again, by collecting tokens of their representation to keep forever. It’s turned out to be quite handy when the nightmares visit, or sudden panic strikes. Since she doesn’t feel compelled to speak to Sora or Riku about these burdens in fear of adding to their already heavy load, her Memory Box becomes a sort of sanctuary when the nightmares visit or the sudden panic strikes during late, summer nights. She’ll simply flick her bedside lamp on, sit criss-cross applesauce on her bedroom floor, tug the box out from under her bed, & steep herself in the happiest memories of her life all while reminding herself that even if she forgets everything again tomorrow, they’d never be gone for long.

[lambencies]

heart strings.

another dream. another movie alight behind her eyelids; one that she knows but also... has never seen before. there’s nothing familiar, but somehow everything familiar. faces she recognizes, but can’t name. places that don’t feel foreign, but at the same time, can’t be called familiar. feelings that well up in her heart, but don’t actually feel like they belong to her. 

this has been happening a lot lately. practically every other night she awakes with an ache in her chest where her heart lays, sore & dull, & a tugging on her mind like deja vu. it’s always the same gut-wrenching feeling; a strong desire to patch up the holes that riddle her memories & find the missing pieces that haunt her. sometimes the hurt hits her so hard (i’m missing parts of myself -- where have they gone?) that when she wakes from the sea of subconsciousness that she can’t reach in wakefulness, no matter how hard she tries, her pillow is damp with tears. she has to wonder though... were they even hers?

there’s a clock tower, waves of sand & trees that grow like towers, & they come to her with such vibrance & colour that she is left laying in bed, wondering how she can know a place so well without ever having been there. seeing these phantom places hurts, but there is nothing that brings her more pain than the faces that greet her in sleep. they are not scary or haunting (oh, how she wishes they were), but they are warm, friendly, loving & full of light. they look at her with smiles & an inexplicable, unspoken love. they talk to her as though they’re a close friend, as if they’ve known each other for a while now & she’s important to them. they love her but... but why doesn’t she feel the same? why don’t these faces bring her joy & warmth? who are they? has she forgotten people important to her? they’re important to her! she knows they are! so why can’t she just REMEMBER?

but she can’t. her memory is an old fisher’s boat; it has holes & no matter how hard she tries to patch them, the water just keeps pouring in. so now, laying awake in her bed, she feels as though she’s sinking. soon, she’s sure she’ll remember nothing. she’ll sink to the bottom of the ocean with nothing but nameless faces, & forgotten places.