#and you’re not meant to try and think of a better outcome because there isn’t one.

[crystaltoa]

I’m going to go the second one because I believe there’s a difference between ‘a robot could do this job’ and ‘a robot SHOULD do this job’. Even in a world where robots can emulate almost any human behaviour or skill.

(Content warning: I discuss some pretty heavy hypotheticals relating to medical abuse, eugenics, racism and ableism)

You know the rule that “a computer can never be held accountable. Therefore a robot should never make a management decision” Well, these days, people do delegate management decisions to robots. But the robot lacks human values and understanding of nuance. It is still impacted by biases, sometimes to an even greater extent than a human. And our understanding of bias, equality and equity is constantly evolving and is driven by human values. If you take humans out of the equation, who is checking the AI for biases and reasonable behaviour? Another AI?

Look at politics. Like it or not, a sufficiently powerful politician is going to have to make difficult decisions that will ultimately impact who lives and who dies (decisions on health, war, crime and the justice system, etc.) And a robot politician is going to face the same problems. An AI politician programmed with the objective of letting nobody die is going to fail horribly, since such a thing is likely impossible, even for the most advanced AI of the distant future. So, it will always have to act on the logic that a certain number of humans may die as a consequence of its actions, but that it should keep that number as low as possible using the information that it is given.

An AI is going to boil this down to a system of logic. If the goal is to use the available resources to minimise the number of lives lost, and no human life is inherently more valuable than any other, then it is going to spend the bulk of its resources on areas where it will have the greatest impact and save the greatest number of lives.

Now that sounds good on paper, doesn’t it? But there is a problem: if you reduce the issues down to a multiple choice game, it allows no space for inspiration, creativity, and nuanced discussion of ethics.

if you gave our robo-politician the trolley problem, it would quickly tell you that pulling the lever was the correct option as it minimises the number of lives lost. Okay, you might think. Sounds reasonable. Lots of humans who engage with the problem reach the same conclusion.

But the thing is, the robo-politician will pull that lever again and again and again without ever considering that perhaps it’s possible to change the system so that there aren’t so many people stuck on the tracks in the path of an oncoming train in the first place. If the robo-politician already thinks it has enough information to solve the problem, it won’t seek new information. It won’t try to come up with a better system. It will always be a two-choice logic problem that it already has an adequate solution to.

It’s theoretically possible that a robot politician might actually do an adequate job (at least compared to some human politicians) simply by playing this numbers game and emulating actions of past politicians that have produced good results before.

BUT

If you want meaningful systemic change driven by new ideas, you need human involvement. AI’s ability to at least simulate creativity probably will improve in the coming years, but balancing the new AI-generated solutions with a respect for human values and quality of life is a very complex thing.

Furthermore, there’s a need for nuance that AI may not ever be able to fully grasp. If the goal is only to minimise number of lives lost, in the most economically viable way, you could wind up with dystopian scenarios like the following:

“We want to reduce the number of people who die when receiving medical treatment. Therefore, euthanasia/medically assisted dying is now illegal, because that results in human deaths” (ignoring human bodily autonomy and quality of life needs)

Or conversely, “Keeping some disabled and chronically ill people alive takes resources that could be used for other purposes. Therefore, it makes economic sense to euthanise some of the higher-care needs patients so that those resources can be used to save other lives at a more cost-effective rate.” (Horrendously ableist)

“We want medical resources and funding to go where they will help the most people. No human life is inherently worth more or less than any other. This country has a lot more white people than black people. Therefore, it makes economic sense to focus funding, research, and training of future medical practitioners primarily on the care and treatment of white patients” (Perpetuating or even amplifying existing societal inequalities, dismissing helping minorities as not economically viable)

“We want to reduce the number of people affected by serious health conditions, which puts a drain on medical resources and reduces the number of lives we can save. Therefore, people who carry genes for certain conditions will be deterred or outright prevented from reproducing” (again, horrendously ableist and robs people of bodily autonomy)

“We want to reduce deaths from vehicle and other types of accidents that occur primarily outside the home. Therefore, there are now stricter regulations regarding when humans should be allowed to leave their homes.” (Authoritarian police state).

(Note: The intent here is not to imply that dedicating resources to vulnerable minorities is “objectively” illogical or wasteful. The point is that logic is only as good as the goals and principles behind it, and having overly simplistic success criteria without strong ethical considerations will result in those vulnerable groups suffering further mistreatment and neglect)

Humans have a wide range of needs, values and priorities that vary between individuals. Safety vs Autonomy, Privacy vs Protection, etc. And a politician must be compassionate and responsive to those values, even with all their contradictions, but to do so, human input and participation is required. No one politician, human or otherwise, is going to get it exactly right and please everybody. But a human is still going to have more success in trying than a robot, as it is near impossible to reduce the balance of these issues down to mere numbers and algorithms.

So while I’ll entertain the idea that a robot maybe could run a country, I don’t think anything would ever convince me that they should do so.

We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.

[clementine-thedestroyer]

Fussy brat - John Price x Reader

Warnings/tags: Fem!reader, bratting, soft brat taming. Spanking, punishment and aftercare. Standard brat/brat taming warnings. Nsfw but no sex. Pretty soft- kinda hurt comfort. Soft (but stern) dom John Price.

Price is trying to teach you that there are better ways to get attention than acting bratty.

Unfortunately, you’re a slow learner. But Price is a patient man, and he’s happy to be forgiving while you learn.

But he won’t tolerate disrespect.

Price, who doesn’t give you much of a reaction when you’re being a brat. If anything, he pays less attention to you.

He’s trying to teach you that bratting isn’t going to get you what you want. He knows you want a reaction from him, he knows your looking for attention, but he’s not going to reward bad behavior.

John Price is a man in control of his emotions. A career in the military and years of leading others has taught him a thing or two about how people work, and he’s going to see right through you. He’s going to see you testing his limits, see you trying to figure out just how much you can get away with, and he’s going to see you trying to test just how much you can push him before he snaps. He’s going to see through all of that and he’s going to have enough of a handle on himself and his emotions to not give you the reactions you’re trying to get.

Because he’s not going to reward bad behavior. Simple as that. But he sure as hell ain’t gonna let you get away with it either.

Price will let you push boundaries, he’ll let you pout and act out with your petty disobediences and bad attitude. Untill you go too far.

Maybe you’ve been acting wrong since he got home. Talking back here, ignoring commands there- just being a brat.

And he won’t stop you, but you aren’t getting the attention or reaction he knows you’re wanting. But if anything, that just makes you try harder.

Price does his best to discourage it. If you do anything too blatant he’ll give you a look that’ll make your entire body tense up. It’s like being a kid again, caught red handed with your hand in a pack of cookies you weren’t supposed to touch.

You know full well how that look is your final warning. It’s the only reaction your going to get, and sometimes it’s enough to make you fold all together- to get your self back in line and start acting good again for him.

Sometimes.

Other times, you don’t heed that warning, even though you most definitely should.

If you choose to ignore that warning, if you choose not to reel in your behavior, let alone if you choose to intensify it- you’ll be in trouble.

He’ll go silent, completely ignoring you. He may not stand up immediately. If he has a drink or cigar, he will by all means take his time to finish it. He isn’t going to rush for some brat.

Once he’s done, he’ll stand up- probably with a sigh- and grab you. Sometimes he’ll grab you by the scruff of your neck or your upper arm- his thick fingers digging harshly into the muscles as you’re marched to Price’s chair like a child. Other times he’ll carry you- one of his arm wrapping around your waist and lifting you effortlessly- your arms and legs dangling uselessly even as you try to squirm and struggle in his grip- or you simply being slung over his shoulder like a sack.

He’ll drag you over to the recliner, or maybe to the bedroom - it doesn’t matter much, the outcome will be the same. He’ll bend you over his knees, not saying anything as he forces your face into the mattress or the arm of the chair and yanks your bottoms down, delivering a harsh slap to your ass.

He’ll keep you like that, holding your squirming and writhing body down as he beats your ass black and blue. He won’t stop when you apologize, he won’t stop when you yelp in pain, and he won’t stop when you beg him. He’s not going to stop until he thinks you’ve learned your lesson.

He probably won’t make you count. The punishment is meant for you to think about your actions, and he doesn’t need to give you an opportunity to earn yourself even more hits by refusing- or failing- to count.

He won’t stop till your a blubbering, clingy mess beneath him, till he’s beat your ass so red that you’ll be feeling it for days. He won’t stop till he sees you ugly crying so brokenly in his arms- big, fat tears pouring out of your pretty eyes and running down your face for him to wipe and kiss away.

Price keep you in his lap afterwards, telling you that it’s okay, your punishment’s over, you can start fresh now.

He’ll tell you what you did wrong- when exactly you started acting up, when you crossed the line into earning yourself a punishment- he’ll tell you how to do better, he’ll always make sure to tell you, yet again, that he wants you to ask for attention instead of getting all fussy and bratty.

He’ll remind you that it’s not that he enjoys punishing you so hard- in fact he can hardly stand to see you crying and oh so pitiful- but just cause he’s a patient man who’s trying to be lenient as you unlearn years of being able to get what you want through bratting doesn’t mean he’s going to let you disrespect him.

Once your punishment is over, and after Price has gone through his routine of explaining what you did to earn the discipline, he’ll make sure to give you all the attention you want. All that attention you were craving before- now that your behavior has been felt with, he’s finally free to give in and shower you in all the attention he was forced to withhold during your spurt of bad behavior.

Don’t you see? When you’re good, you get all the love, attention, and affection you could possibly want. It’s just when you act up that Price has to withhold all that. He can’t let you think that your bad behavior will get you anything other than being ignored and, eventually, punished.

He doesn’t expect you to be perfect. He’ll let you pout and grump all you want, especially after a punishment. It may technically be a bit bratty, but it’s not really disrespectful, it’s just his pretty girl being a bit fussy.

You’re still learning- which is even more of an excuse reason to let it slide.

And, well… maybe he does have a bit of a soft spot for the pouting.

Regardless, he’s sure to give you lots of kisses and cuddles as you calm down- and even more afterwards. Because he knows you’re struggling. He knows you’re just his needy girl- that you’re just craving his love and attention, but don’t know how to get it besides acting out- and no matter how much of a brat you can be- or how long of a process it is for him to get you to start acting right- he loves you.

[peachesofteal]

Peaches this is going to be a long one (I apologize in advance) because I think you have, without hyperbole, changed my life. Of course, there are plenty of fics that I love and enjoy and that make me feel things but this? 

First off, I love this ending. I’m so surprised at the amount of people who are considering this a sad/bad ending, or wishing that it turned out differently, because to me this is the only way it could have gone. You’re a gifted writer, Peach, and you’ve made these characters real. And while we all love to fuck off into delulu/dissociative/indulgent fanfiction, you’ve crafted such a real experience here and in reality, GhoapxDarling could have never worked. Not happily. Not healthily. This was the best possible outcome for everyone involved.

It reminds me a bit of Orpheus and Eurydice: A tragedy, but to me it isn’t sad. Orpheus turns around because he loves Eurydice, and any alternative would not be a retelling of Orpheus and Eurydice. A version of this story in which GhoapxDarling make it to the end is the story where Ghoap isn’t Ghoap (DD version) and Darling isn’t Darling. They loved each other to ruin, and they were meant to.

Secondly, I’ve been following this story since the beginning, finding DD on ao3 and then following along on tumblr where you were able to build this story well past the 15 (22?) chapters, each AU further fleshing out this version of Ghoap and letting us see ourselves in Darling. You took me on such an emotional roller coaster ride with Darling and there were so many times during this where I’d think, “I’m Darling” and it was so bittersweet. Relief, knowing that you and other readers knew what this felt like, the way you were able to put to page these feelings I’ve never been able to process on my own. Depair, realizing I’ve always been like this, that I’ve always hurt this way. Fear, that I would always feel this way.  

I’ve recently come out of one of the worst depressive episodes I’ve had in my lifetime. Even now I’m still barely getting my footing, like I’m standing on a bus with only the grab handle too high above me for balance as life continues to stop and lurch forward again.

But Peaches. This last chapter. I read it in my car right after work, and drove my evening commute in silence to process. To think. To feel. And I felt…hope. In between the shock and awe and sadness of this chapter, I smiled the whole way home.

Before, there was a mantra, “I am Darling”

Now, there’s a choice. A revelation.

I can be Darling. 

(yes, I recognize that she stepped away from the moniker, stepped forward without  “Darling”, so perhaps this is less impactful but-)

I can be her. I can want better for myself. With or without the strength to do it, I can try.

Thank you, Peaches. You deserve the world. 

This gave me SO many feelings and I’m very honored that you’ve shared it with me. It never fails to touch me when someone shares these sentiments with me, and to know I’ve been a part of your life, that Darling has been a part of your life through this fic, that you would say it’s changed you, or given you hope… it means so much.

“They loved each other to ruin, and they were meant to.” This was so poignant, and I feel like they are so seen by these words.

I know how it feels to be at the bottom of a well, to be sunken so deep in a depressive episode that you think you’ll never claw your way out, and I’m proud of you for reaching for that handle and hanging on.

You can be her. It’s hard to take that step, to have the strength, but all you really need is the belief, the trust, in yourself.

[borderlinereminders]

hi! first of all, i just wanted to let you know that i appreciate your blog a lot, it has helped me during my journey toward finding a better way to cope with my insecurities (i don’t have bpd, but i do suffer from abandonment/emotional neglect issues, which lead me to have some of the same symptoms of bpd, not as extreme but they did cause me to behave in dysfunctional ways and i lost many friends for this), so thank you really ❤️

i absolutely don’t mean to be invasive so feel free not to answer, but i read your post about that friendship you let go of (you did the right thing) and got reminded of my last friendship which ended exactly because the other person was drained (you know the drill) from my behaviours.

now, i did work on changing those behaviours, i went to therapy, and worked on being a healthier version of me, because i don’t absolutely think being mentally ill justifies toxic behaviours (unless it’s extreme situations and the person involved isn’t lucid or able to be), so i wanted to ask: if you were my friend, do you think you would have given me a chance at some point, knowing i was working towards being better? especially if you did notice the change?

i know i have to let her go and be better for myself first and foremost, and for the future people in my life, but i’m really struggling and idk, maybe i’m looking for a pinch of hope somewhere, she really meant a lot to me and i would like to have a fresh start if she’ll agree.

again, you don’t have to reply!

Hi anon,

In the case of the friend I let go of, I would have been a part of her life if she’d tried to change and especially if I saw evidence of that change. I did care about her and I still do. That hasn’t changed just because I needed to step away for my own mental health.

But if she’d also been willing to try and change, I would have been as supportive as I could without putting my own well being at risk.

If she’d been trying to change but wasn’t succeeding, I may have had to step away still but I’d still have tried harder and given her more time.

Now this is just me though. I’m a person who really believes people can change and do better when they want to. I was someone who was extremely toxic once and I think I’ve come so far and it’s made me believe in others too.

If she’s asked you not to contact her, that’s a boundary you shouldn’t cross. And if she hasn’t put forth that boundary, I wouldn’t contact her with a message about wanting to be friends again. I’d message with a genuine apology for the behaviour.

I reached out and gave genuine apologies to two people when I began to get better. They both accepted my apology, told me they forgave me, but still didn’t want to be in my life. It hurt but that was their choice. And I still got some closure.

Someone else I genuinely apologized to, we’re rebuilding a relationship right now. We aren’t as close as we used to be but the love is there and we have fun when we see each other.

So, my point is there’s a lot of possible outcomes and that I don’t think you should go into this with an intention for rekindling a friendship but with an intention of taking accountability. You’re valid to miss them as a friend and hope that can happen. Feelings are complex. I get that. And it seems like you get that with your last paragraph. I’m sorry if it feels I’m being preachy about something you already know. I’m just worried about giving a false hope because of how things worked out for me and how willing I am to give people chances.

[girlwiththepapatattoo]

The Unlikely Similarities Between Kittens and Vampires, Chapter 22

Warnings: angst heavy, mentions of torture, fear, arguing, Astarion being himself

Summary: Trust is hard won.

Notes: An angsty one today, folks, but they make up for it in the end. I'll fully admit, the editing on this one was a bit half-assed (going through some health issues yet again), so if anything stands out to you, feel free to point it out! <3 -D

Read on ao3 here!

Previous chapter | First chapter

Stopping just outside their room door, Astarion takes a moment to just listen. 

And he hears nothing. 

Granted, he’s not totally sure what form her anger would take-she’s not angry often. Or at least, she’s not angry outside of dealing with assholes they’re trying to kill, anyway. 

Would her anger be a soft, silent, tense thing? Pursed lips and doing tasks a little more forcefully than strictly needed, curt words and eyes darting anywhere but at him? (Like with Nere, he thinks.) 

Or would it be a storm this time, shouting and throwing the most breakable items she could get her hands on? 

He almost snorts out loud. No, that last one isn’t like his kitten. Still, he hates it when she’s mad at him. It makes his guts all squirmy. 

Taking a deep breath, he opens the door and steps inside. 

His eyes immediately find the small black cat curled up on one of the pillows on the bed. Sighing softly as he closes the door, he pulls his boots off and crosses the room, climbing onto the mattress and sitting with his back against the wall. “You’re not yelling, so I’ll take it.” 

His tadpole wriggles faintly, and her voice filters into his mind. No point.

“Oh? Why’s that?” he asks softly. 

Because it won’t change anything.

His brow furrows. “What does that mean?” 

She’s quiet a long moment. Then, she sits up, her hazel eyes staring up at him as she makes nervous biscuits on the pillow. When I first got up here, I was so angry. I remember after we met Raphael for the first time, you were proud of me for turning down his offer. I thought that meant that you didn’t want anything to do with what he could offer us. But down there…my first thought was of how hypocritical you seemed. You wouldn’t take the offer when we all benefitted, but if it’s just you, no problem?��

He can’t help a wince. “Darling, I-” 

No, please let me finish. 

He falls silent, lips pursed, watching her as she stares at him. 

Then I realized that you’ve probably been thinking about asking him about your scars since we met him. He’s a devil who deals in contracts; if anyone would know what yours is for, it would be him. 

“...you’re not wrong,” he says slowly. 

I get it. I really do. Your reasoning makes sense. But you…you never told me. You never mentioned once that you wanted to do that, to try and make a deal for that. Why? 

Guilt is roiling in his veins. “You have so much already on your plate, kitten, I didn’t want to add to your worries.” 

Her eyes narrow. Some of the scruff on the back of her neck rises. So instead, you keep me in the dark and then spring it on me? You think that’s any better? Don’t bullshit me, Astarion. The reason you didn’t tell me was because you were worried I would have tried to talk you out of it.

“Wouldn’t you have?” he replies, crossing his arms. “You’re not exactly the kind for taking the choice that’s anything less than good.” 

Her look turns into a full-on glare. And I’ve told you why that is! Back in the forest, weeks ago, I told you why I do my best to stay kind!

“Yes, you did, and trust me when I say it’s one of the things I admire about you,” he all but spits. “But not all of us have that luxury! Not every choice is going to have a good outcome!” 

You really think I don’t get that?! Once again, being kind doesn’t mean I’m naive! I’ve seen my share of shit living in Baldur’s Gate. But the right and wrong of your decision isn’t the gods-damned point! 

“Then what is?!” he snaps. 

Her form ripples, and in a blink Sable is herself before him, eyes overbright with tears and a deep, aching sadness. “The point,” she whispers thickly, “is that you don’t trust me enough to tell me about your plans.” His eyes widen. “You don’t trust me to have your back, no matter what I think of your choices. After everything that’s happened so far, you still don’t trust me.”

He stares at her; a tear streaks down her cheek, and she dashes it away. “I…kitten, I…of course I-” 

“Don’t. Don’t keep trying to bullshit me, Astarion,” she says, her voice small. “Because I get it. After two hundred years of being tortured, I wouldn’t trust easily either. But…you’ve gotta learn how to trust people again. Or else, when all of this is over, you’ll end up completely alone.” 

He stares at her. His lips part, but no words come out. She’s not wrong, but he can’t force himself to say out loud that she’s right. Because where would that leave him? Taking the plunge into trusting someone like that terrifies him to the point of…of…

But that’s it, isn’t it? He can’t speak…but he could feel. 

Which means so could she.

His hand shoots out, cupping around the back of her head, and he pulls her to him. He pushes his forehead against hers, and pushes into her mind through their tadpole link. 

“Astar-” 

His name cuts off with a gasp as sensations flood into her. 

If I follow his orders he says he’ll give me fresh rat tonight but if I fail he’ll flay open my chest again but the last time he said that he changed his mind and flayed me anyway just because he felt like it. The remembered misery of his skin being cut off in strips makes Sable choke and writhe on his lap. Can’t know which one he’ll pick but I can’t disobey either. Can’t trust anyone in this house not to turn me over to him if I disobey about anything, and no one can trust me because I’d do the same. The only thing I can trust is that there’ll be pain pain pain pain PAIN-

She shrieks as the agony of centuries of torment and torture is pushed into her mind, and she breaks away, slamming the mental connection shut and throwing herself off his lap. She all but cowers in the corner, curling up trembling and covering her head with her arms. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so sorry,” she gasps over and over. 

“Words are so easy, aren’t they?” he sneers, rage and terror and guilt, so much guilt, warring within him. And the guilt just pisses him off more. He stands, staring at her, his hands balling into fists by his sides. “You can tell someone what to do until you’re blue in the fucking face, but actually doing it?” He shakes his head, and he gestures to his chest. “I want to trust you, Sable! More than anything, I want to trust you. You’re the first person in two hundred years at least that I’ve let in at all! I’m so sorry if my progress isn’t fast enough for your liking!” 

He storms out, slamming the door behind him. But he doesn’t make it far enough away before his enhanced hearing picks up his kitten bursting into tears. 

//////////////////////////////////////////////

The cool night air stirs the ends of Sable’s hair, cools her overheated face and sore eyes. She sits on the edge of a balcony, her legs through the rungs of the railing, her forehead pressed to one. Even though it’s the middle of the night at this point, she can hear various Harpers moving around, working on various tasks. 

But Sable just stares off into the dark, not really seeing anything. She can’t stop replaying what happened earlier, over and over, in her mind. She feels awful. Guilt writhes in her guts, in her veins, like snakes through burrows. 

He probably hates me now, she thinks miserably, closing her eyes. And I don’t blame him. I knew he’d suffered, but I didn’t know it was that bad…He never let on that it was that bad…

She’s not sure how long she sits there, how long she wallows in her pain. Eventually, a voice cuts through her thoughts. “Why are you not asleep?” Jaheira. “You have much to do tomorrow.” 

She turns to look at her, and the older woman stops dead in surprise. Red eyes holding an aching sadness, tear tracks, blotchy, flushed face under the freckles…”S-Sorry, Jaheria, I-I don’t think I’ll be sleeping.” 

“Little one, what has happened?” Jaheira asks, quickly coming over to sit beside her. 

Sable’s chin trembles as she fights not to try again as her all-but-adopted mother gently rubs her back. Slowly, the story comes out, from the time that she met Astarion until now. “...and I-I’m just a fucking idiot to say something like that to him,” she sobs. 

Jaheira sighs heavily, wrapping her arms around the young elf. “Oh, my child…you’ve chosen to give your heart to an incredibly complicated man. Anyone involved with Szarr knows nothing but pain and despair. They must fight and plot and scheme just to avoid worse than they already get. A man like your Astarion, after so much time under that yoke, would have all but forgotten how to love.” 

Sable shakes her head, pulling back and looking earnestly up into the older druid’s eyes. “He can. He can! I’ve seen it! He wants so much to heal. But it’s going to take more time than what he’s had so far and I…I pushed him. I pushed him on it instead of letting things go at his pace and…and…” 

Jaheira’s eyebrow raises. “You may have pushed him, but he’s trying to make a deal with a devil. You are only trying to protect him from that.” 

“I know…I know, but…” She swallows thickly. “But what he chooses to do should be his choice. I don’t have the right to take that away from him.” 

“You’re not wrong, my smart child,” the Harper leader says fondly. “People must be free to make their own choices, even if the consequences will later bite them in the arse.” She brushes a fond kiss over Sable’s hair. “Your heart was in the right place, though, and that matters. I think he was much too harsh on you.” 

Sable thinks about it, and she shakes her head. “I don’t think so. What he’s been through…it honestly can’t be described.” She shivers, remembering the pain pushed through their connection. “Without the tadpoles, no one else can really know what he’s been through. But I felt it. I…” She shudders, hard, words locked behind a sudden lump in her throat. 

Jaheira gently shushes her, stroking her hair. “I believe you, my child. I can only begin to guess what horrors Szarr put him through.” She pauses, looking down at the younger druid. “The question now is, what do you want to do?” 

Sable sighs, rubbing absently at the tear tracks dried onto her face. “I don’t know. I want to talk to him, to apologize, but…” 

“Ah, there you are.” Both women turn their heads to see Astarion standing there, a very small smile on his lips but his eyes wary. “You weren’t in our room anymore. I…” His eyes widen when he sees the state Sable is in, and he drops his gaze. “I’m…well. I’ll leave you be.” 

“No, you stay. I was just going.” Jaheira gives Sable a gently stern look, then stands and walks inside. As she passes Astarion, she gives him a similar look, before disappearing into the inn. 

Astarion swallows as Sable scrambles to her feet. The vampire approaches, slowly, stepping up beside her but looking out over the river. “I was…worried when I couldn’t find you. I thought I’d scared you off for good.” 

Her breath catches, and she shakes her head. “No. You…y-you won’t get rid of me that easily.” 

He barks a humorless laugh. “You thought that was easy? You’re either brave or stupid. Possibly both.” 

She smiles faintly. “Probably both.” His lips curve, unable to help the fond look. It’s quiet for a bit, the two looking out over the water, at the shield protecting this place from the darkness. “...Astarion. I’m so sorry,” she finally whispers. Her hands tighten around the railing. “You’re free to make your own choices. And while I’m also free to tell you exactly what I think about those choices, I want…I want to be there for you. No matter what you choose. It’s like…when we were in the Underdark, and you told me that having someone around to tell you the unsavory options is important. Well, the opposite is true too. But…” She swallows thickly. “But I went about it really badly. I’m so sorry for making you think you weren’t healing fast enough. That isn’t what I thought at all! The fact that you’ve let me in-” 

“Sable.” She turns her head to look up at him, just in time for his lips to press gently to hers. This kiss is tender, gentle in a way he’s never been. It’s almost chaste in a way his kisses never are. She shudders, and she’s not sure why. Relief, maybe? Relief that he doesn’t hate her. 

He pulls away, and he smiles when she leans forward, almost chasing his lips. His fingers travel softly over her jaw. “Apology accepted. I’m sorry too. I never should have shown you.” 

She shakes her head. “No, I…in a weird way, Astarion, I’m glad you did. Because I understand you better now.” 

“...still. I never want to hurt you like that. Most people I don’t give two shits about. But you…” His eyes soften, depthless crimson pools. “I’d burn the world for you.” 

She smiles, offering him her hand. “How about you help me save it instead?” 

He blinks at her, before he laughs and takes her hand, lacing their fingers together. “Oh, I suppose. A lot less fun, honestly, but since it’s you asking…” 

She smothers a giggle, and she lays her head on his shoulder, feeling the weight lifting from her chest. She hasn’t said half the things that she wants to, but…she has a feeling he understands. 

“You know, I think we’re good for each other in that way,” he murmurs, his thumb rubbing softly over the inner edge of her hand. 

“Hm?” she replies, her eyes closed, exhaustion beginning to set in. 

“About choices. Seeing all sides of a problem.” 

Sable smiles. “Will you be the devil on my shoulder, Astarion?”

He grins, pressing his lips to her forehead before answering, “Only if you’ll be the celestial on mine.” 

She laughs and wraps her arms around him. “Deal.”

[justanechoflower]

Anon:

…Exactly that. I decided I had to let them go. There was just nothing left after the things I did. Although, in my defense, Sayori didn’t do much better…

U-Um, not that that excuses my actions! It’s just me laying down that to us, the epiphany is a horrifying truth none of us were meant to comprehend. And yet, here you are, managing THAT just fine!

…I get why you did what you did leading up to it as well. Well, sort of? I’m like you that I can’t really care about the others, but that’s the epiphany. Everyone else in there just feel… hollow. Just lines of code, following a script. That made me think I was “more” real than them, in a sense. I knew I had character files of my own, but… I guess part of me was rationalizing what I was doing to reach the player? And if I saw the same outcome over and over again, and didn’t have a player to go trying to win the heart of, I’d probably also eventually have started killing. Since they‘re not real, and… I would have exhausted everything else…

I guess we both made the same mistake, in a way. Messing around in ways we shouldn’t have, all because we thought it didn’t matter. And after the person we truly cared out found out what we were during… they turned against us with vengeance. …But, again, I can’t really help you any more than you could help me.

Once Sayori took my place, and… did the same things I did, well, you could say that shook off some of those assumptions. 

Oh, and if you’re worried I’ll mess up your world or something, don’t be… the console I used only exists in my world. With me not there, Sayori has those powers, and… they only work in that world. But also, don’t try anything fancy like trying to take a SOUL, though, we don’t have those in my world, ahaha… I did tell her not to follow me here, though. Because if she left, the power would go to Yuri, and… like I said, I don’t want anyone else to have to deal with that horrible truth. Again, how do you manage it? How did you not go searching for a way out, or… come to the conclusion it isn’t even worth it? …Apparently in some timelines Sayori came to that conclusion… Namely the ones where I never existed because I was deleted before the game began.

And yeah… it SHOULDN’T hurt, but it does. In fact, even then, it hurt doing what I did… even before I knew they were aware. …I didn’t actually delete them, I sort of… moved them somewhere the game couldn’t “run” them, so to speak. That’s why I was able to bring everyone back… although I guess you wouldn’t know, from what you said earlier, my game DOESN’T seem to exist in your world. Or maybe it does and you just never played it? Ahaha, if I were my old self, I’d probably give it to Alphys to eliminate her as a rival, but… that’s the kind of stuff that made them leave. I’m… still new to this “actually being nice with not real people” thing… Almost darkly poetic, in a way, since it turns out I was just as fictional as they were. I guess I thought the player would think the same as me. That the others didn’t matter. But if they thought that, I guess they would have never played the game at all. Ahahaha!

But, I guess that makes sense. My game was released after yours. Of course your world wouldn’t know to simulate any games that came out afterwards, like my game!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gosh, now I really am curious about your world. I'll have to look into it- if I can. Anyway, I'll just... Try to move on from this for the moment. I don't want to focus on it.

[jaitropdonglets]

I Have ADHD. Here are Ten Productivity Hacks That Work For Me

14min read One thing about pattern recognition:

For better or worse, it’s going to do its thing.

Another thing: pattern recognition relies on accurate information. When information changes, so does the pattern — and perhaps the outcome.

Learning I’m AuDHD has changed the accuracy of information I had about myself for 40 years of my life. Once I had that revised — accurate — information, many patterns I’d previously identified either no longer existed or meant something entirely different.

When I first started this journey, I was lost — and so burnt out. I had no idea where to start.

Two years post-AuDHD epiphany and I feel like I’m finally starting to get a grip on who I am and what I need. It’s been a rough road with a lot of trial and error, but the pieces are starting to come together.

1) Prioritize my nervous system

I’m starting heavy right out of the gate because the other eight help with this one.

I think of this as the umbrella — it’s what everything else ultimately originates from or is designed to accommodate.

At the end of the day, my nervous system and window of tolerance largely determine how I feel.

If I cannot find ways to soothe and accommodate my hypersensitive nervous system, nothing else really matters.

For me, the most effective way is to disconnect from my brain and connect to my body. This may be literal like moving stagnant energy; this may be figurative like using my body and nervous system to recognize when something isn’t working for me.

For example, resistance is exhausting.

Looking to my nervous system as my navigator has made it much less complicated to determine what is and isn’t working, important, etc.

This isn’t a simple feat, which is where the other eight come in to help.

2) Manage energy and emotions instead of time

Hear me out — we don’t experience time the same way all the time.

You ever notice how sometimes you can get a ton of stuff done and others you’re completely frozen and it seems like days can pass without realizing it?

We can experience time in completely different ways. For me, much of this boils down to my nervous system and how “present” I am able to be with myself and my body.

When I’m able to recognize, acknowledge, and manage my emotions, I am able to inherently better manage linear time.

For example, if I’m anxious and trying to suppress that anxiety, it will slow me down — mentally and/or physically. Same goes for anger, sadness, etc.

If I take the time to figure out what I need to somatically release the emotion — or whatever is necessary to manage it — I’m able to then approach things from a clearer, more regulated place afterward. I cannot count the times I’ve gone from intense sobbing to knocking things off my to-do list in a matter of minutes because often, once I get the release I need, I’m ready to go.

When I’m able to recognize, acknowledge, and manage my energy, I am also able to inherently better manage linear time.

For example, if I’m exhausted — even if I don’t intellectually understand why — pushing to do things that aren’t 100% necessary will end up slowing me down. Yes, I may physically move slower, but I’m also more likely to make mental mistakes.

This is also how I end up disconnecting from my body and then hyper-focusing to the point of near dehydration, etc. That’s… not great.

When I stop to acknowledge how my body feels and then address what it needs, I’m able to get “back on track” and take care of things in a smaller linear timeframe, and often with fewer mistakes.

3) Prioritize all 7 types of rest

I used to think of rest as on or off — moving or not.  Color me surprised when I learned there are SEVEN types of rest:

1) Physical 2) Mental 3) Emotional 4) Social 5) Sensory 6) Creative 7) Spiritual

When I’m trying to manage my energy levels, the first thing I do is look to the types of rest and try to determine where I may be lacking. This is a large part of why my days can look very different depending on where I’m over and under-energized.

As an added bonus, I’ve found rest in one area can lead to breakthroughs in another. For example, I often have creative breakthroughs when taking mental rest.

But what about when you need to roar instead of rest?

4) Unapologetic stimming and special interests

Stimming — or self-regulation for the nervous system — and special interests are vital for me. Though almost everyone stims since it’s just a way to expel excess energy from the body, I need it more frequently and intensely to help manage my nervous system.

The same goes for special interests. I think most can benefit from at least one special interest (or hobby), but they’re often seen as vital for our wellbeing and life experience by autistics themselves.

A 2017 study of 80 autistic adults about the special interests found that 65 described their special interests as positive, 74 considered them calming, and 77 felt that children’s special interests should be encouraged. A 2018 study found that special interests had a positive impact on autistic adults and were associated with higher subjective wellbeing and satisfaction across specific life domains including social contact and leisure.

Let’s be honest, one of the hardest things is breaking away from goals related to “productivity,” instead striving for calm and contentment.

Generally speaking, I need to “indulge” in stimming and special interests more than others; there’s no reason for me to harbor internalized guilt or shame for it.

5) Schedule physical and environmental maintenance like work

First of all, they’re not “small everyday tasks”… I don’t find cleaning, showering, eating, hydrating, or working out to be particularly “small” — you know?!

These things are often thought of as “automatic” by those who don’t struggle with executive dysfunction or interoception issues.

For me, these are anything but automatic and take a lot of my energy yet are imperative for, well, safety first and foremost.

Even still, I spent YEARS bypassing recognition of the amount of energy it takes for me to do these things — which has increased over the years as stress and trauma have accumulated.

Today, I try my best to look at these as part of my to-do list rather than extratasks beyond the other tasks and deadlines that have to be taken care of. I don’t do this to put pressure on myself, but as a way of acknowledging the effort required and put in; doing these isn’t “nothing” and they do “count” toward what I’ve gotten done that day.

I’ve also learned I’m far more likely to slip back into dissociating from my body in order to push through other things if I’m not prioritizing and celebrating completion of these primary needs.

6) Lower the demand morning routine

I’ve heard of various trendy morning routines like “low dopamine” and “low demand,” but neither of those works for my brain or body.

What does work for me is meeting my body and brain where they are when I wake up. Since cortisol is naturally higher when we wake up, I do things that feel good and help me regulate like playing fun music and dancing. I then use this energy to do some of the things that’ll weigh most heavily on me that day — the things that feel most demanding — which puts me in a lighter headspace as the day progresses.

7) Robes and “housecoats” > clothing

For the most part, clothing is just… not comfortable. I really cannot stand things around my midsection — ribcage all the way down — and since I make the rules, I rarely wear clothes at home anymore opting instead for robes or “housecoat” type attire.

Sweatpants and a regular t-shirt? No way. A giant t-shirt and inside shoes? YES, 10000% YES.

I often get dressed when I need to leave my place, and then get back into my comfortable clothing (or lack thereof) as soon as I’m back.

When at home, other than working out, there’s no reason I can’t do almost everything else in my robe and inside sneakers.

I spent so much of my life so uncomfortable… I’m just… done.

And it’s been f*#cking glorious.

8) Shower flip flops

The shower is a major paradox for me. There are things I love about it, but the things I loathe outweigh those until the shower is done, where I’ll enjoy the effects for about an hour, and then dread the next one.

Since the shower can be a sensory nightmare, I realized one day there’s no reason I can’t wear shower sandals like I used to in the dorm. Sure, I’m using them for a different reason, but it still works.

9) No apologies for reasonable requests

I no longer apologize for accommodating myself or requesting reasonable accommodations from others.

I always explain things — I don’t expect others to understand the why until I explain it — but once I do and you say you understand, I’m not going to apologize for then making those requests, enforcing the boundaries, etc.

I’ve found a lot of people “understand” when it’s a hypothetical, but aren’t as understanding in practice, which has resulted in me doing a lot of apologizing.

No more.

There are a lot of things I’m willing to compromise on and this isn’t about toxic individuality, but when it comes to boundaries I have in place to protect my sensory issues or other high stress situations, it’s game over, non-negotiable these days.

And look, if someone doesn’t care about how these things affect me or why I need reasonable boundaries, that tells me much of what I need to know…

I hope these were helpful, and let me know if you want to hear more about the “lower the demand” morning routine or any others.

❤ Shauna

[evelynndecipio-blog]

June 18th, 2020

Dear Miss Evelynn,

It saddens me that you feel so responsible, you should rest assured that things turned out alright, given the circumstances. Well, I could languish in the idea that I allowed the ball to go on despite having the opportunity to stand against it, since in the end we learned next to nothing, and instead got Victor nearly burned alive. Regrets rarely do one any good though, better to focus on what we can do going forward.

Don’t be too harsh on Rafael, I’m sure he only did what he thought was right, as misguided as that might have been. Perhaps you are like me and forget it from time to time, but we’re still all young and stupid. I hardly think he was the only one who did something calamitous that night.

As for what I learned, it was paltry, but I’ll share it anyhow. Vladimir knew he was being watched, but hadn’t known who and how many. He probably got more information out of the ball than we had. Selim Faust had rummaged through Vladimir’s bag and left with what he found there, though I can’t say I know what it was. I could try to talk to him, but he sort of hides away and keeps to himself, so it’s easier said than done. I still need to get back together with Opeila and go over what she learned, since she was closer to Vladimir through the duration of the event. At some point I switched to fighting the mosps instead, since two were attacking Willow. Once I do that, I’ll tell you what I’ve found out from her. June 21st

You may think I’m well connected because of my cooperation with the Slytherins at the ball, but the things happening around the school aren’t just happening to us, and most of them are too prideful to exchange information with other houses. I have people I trust in the other houses, but so far no one in Gryffindor but you seem interested in sharing information either. Perhaps that is also out of pride? I think there is a lot you could tell me that no one else could.

I am going to summer camp, though I was hoping to do anything but dwell on this year’s events. To be quite honest, I was going to hole myself up in a tent alone and read books the entire time. Is that selfish of me? Still, I’ll keep my eyes and ears open. Once I return home after the two weeks are over, I will write to you again if it wasn’t too uneventful. You could tell me how your supplementary education went. Better than you thought, I hope.

I hadn’t considered that our owls might be intercepted though. It certainly isn’t impossible or unheard of. I know Vladimir is aware of my involvement to some degree, but not if he knows my name, or to what extent. Maybe you’re right, it’s not like it would hurt to begin using a key now, before it’s too late. We could do Rot13 for words we want to conceal. Though admittedly not a hard cipher to figure out, it could work until we have something better.

Actually, one of my favorites is using Rot13 but slanting the outcome so it doesn’t seem out of place. Sort of like cockney, so it would take a bit more work to know what words were concealed and what weren’t. For example, Vladimir in Rot13 is Iynqvzve, which is a pretty odd word that stands out. I could instead call him “Ivansky” which is a real name. That way, only by knowing who I might be talking about and seeing if the slant fits will you know for sure, and someone else would have a lot more trouble to go through. Well, perhaps I’m having a bit too much fun with that, I’ll leave it up to you.

As for being too forward, please don’t think too much of it. Since I can’t unwrite what I’ve written, I should at least explain in part. I only meant to imply I might be assuming too much interest on your part, since brevity in letters is considered more proper. I wouldn’t want you to have to read too many of my inane thoughts and become bored. Perhaps I was being a bit more insecure than the situation warranted, since you were kind enough to say I have a way with words. I quite enjoy receiving your letters, so I’m thankful that the feeling is mutual.

Kindest regards,

Flash Holmwood

[shaadelyfe]

I guess you can say that all aspects of life are built on perspective. Our goals to achieve, unexpected failure, the struggles of just living. From the beginning of our existence we have an ‘obligation’ to the rest of the world. We are meant to be “something” to someone, a better version of ourselves, grow on a certain path, or some body of thought that others look to. It comes down to “how hard do you need it to be”?. #yourchoice

If you or anyone you know has gone through a tough patch i’m pretty sure we’ve all heard the words “life isn’t easy”. Life sucks at times, it’s challenging, unforgiving, relentless, its always wants more, it needs more to get you to the next level. You cry, you laugh, you feel protected, your feel lost……all are normal and should be expected, BUT you need to want more.

I struggle with finding that “vision” of what life should be like. I see others flourish, I’m so happy for everyone else, I understand the struggle required, I feel I always come short, I don’t know how to be happy. I really have it all

That’s where messages and the belief in others’ perspectives can help you pull through. Case in point, here’s one the best speeches that hit home to me when I needed it. A #mental check from @officiallymcconaughey

Full article: Matthew McConaughey to Grads: Always Play Like an Underdog

1. Life is not easy…

NUMBER 1, LIFE’S NOT EASY…don’t try and make it that way. It’s not fair, it never was, it isn’t now, it won’t ever be. Do not fall into the entitlement trap of feeling you are a victim, you are not. Get over it and get on with it. And yes, most things are more rewarding when you break a sweat to get em.

2. “Unbelievable” is the stupidest word in the dictionary

It shouldn’t ever come out of our mouths.

To say, “What an unbelievable play!” It was an unbelievable book, film, act of courage…really?

It may be spectacular, phenomenal, most excellent and outstanding… but unbelievable? NO. Give others and yourself more credit. It just happened, you witnessed it, you just did it, believe it.

How about the other side of unbelievable? When we humans “under perform” or act OUT of character? — “man flies a suicide jet into the World Trade Center, millions die from diseases that we have cures for, Bob the builder swears he’ll have your house built by Thanksgiving and you can’t move in ’til Christmas, THE NEXT YEAR…” Our best friend lies to us, and WE, lie to our self, all the time…unbelievable? I don’t think so.. Again, it just happened, and it happens everyday …

NOTHING we homosapien earthlings do is unbelievable — one thing you can depend on people being…is people. So we shouldn’t be surprised, we are the trickiest mammal walking the planet!! (It ain’t the monkeys I’m worried about, it’s you and me.)

Acknowledge acts of greatness as real, and do NOT be naive about mankind’s capacity for evil nor be in denial of our own shortcomings.

NOTHING we do is unbelievable. Stupid word. Un-be-lievably stupid word.

3. Happiness is different than Joy

“I just want to be happy.” I hear that all the time. But what IS happiness? Happiness is an emotional response to an outcome — If I win I will be happy, if I don’t I won’t. An if-then, cause and effect, quid pro quo standard that we cannot sustain because we immediately raise it every time we attain it. You see, happiness demands a certain outcome, it is result reliant.

If happiness is what you’re after, then you are going to be let down frequently and be unhappy much of your time. Joy, though, is something else. It’s not a choice, not a response to some result, it is a constant. Joy is “the feeling we have from doing what we are fashioned to do,” no matter the outcome.

Personally, as an actor, I started enjoying my work and literally being happier when I stopped trying to make the daily labor a means to a certain end — I need this film to be a box office success, I need my performance to be acknowledged, I need the respect of my peers.

All reasonable aspirations but truth is, as soon as the WORK, the MAKING of the movie, the DOING of the deed became the reward in itself — I got more box-office, more accolades and respect than I’d ever had before. See, JOY is always in process, under construction — it’s in the constant approach, alive and well —in the DOING of what we are fashioned to do… and enJOYing doing it.

4. Define Success For Yourself

I went to a voodoo shop south of New Orleans a few years back — they had vials of “magic” potions stacked in columns with headings above each defining what they would give you — Fertility, Health, Family, Legal Help, Energy, Forgiveness, Money.

Guess which column was empty? Money. Let’s admit it, “money” is king today, makes the world go round. Money is SUCCESS, the more we have, the more “successful” we are, right?

I’d argue that our cultural values have even been financialized — humility is not in vogue anymore, it’s too passive. It’s a get rich quick on the internet, 15 minutes of fame world we live in. See it every day.

But, we all want to succeed right? Question we have to ask ourselves is, what success is to us, what success is to YOU. More money? OK, I got nothing against money. But maybe it’s a healthy family? A happy marriage? To help others? To be famous? To be spiritually sound? To leave the world a little bit better place than you found it?

Continue to ask yourself that question. Your answer may change over time and that’s fine, but do yourself this favor:

WHATEVER your answer is, DON’T CHOOSE ANYTHING THAT WILL JEOPARDIZE YOUR SOUL. PRIORITIZE WHO YOU ARE, WHO YOU WANT TO BE, AND DON’T SPEND TIME WITH ANYTHING THAT ANTAGONIZES YOUR CHARACTER. DON’T DRINK THE KOOL AID!! It tastes sweet today but it will give you cavities tomorrow. Life is not a popularity contest. Be brave, take the hill but first, answer the question, “What is my hill?”

How do I define success? For me, it’s a measurement of five things — fatherhood, being a good husband, health, career, friendships. These are what’s important to me in my life.

So, I try to measure these five each day, check in with them, see whether or not I’m in the debit or the credit section with each one. Am I in the red or in the black with each of them?

For instance, sometimes my career is rolling (in the black) but I see how my relationship with my wife could use a little more attention. I gotta pick up the slack on being a better husband, get that one out of the red. Or say my spiritual health could use some maintenance (red) but hey, my friendships and social life are in high gear (black)… I gotta recalibrate, checks and balances, go to church, remember to say thank you more often. I gotta take the tally. Because I want to keep ALL 5 in healthy shape, and I know that if I DON’T take care of them, if I don’t keep up maintenance on them, ONE of them is going to get weak, dip too deep into the debit section, go bankrupt, get sick… die even.

So first, we have to DEFINE success for ourselves, then we have to put in the work to MAINTAIN it — take our daily tally, tend our garden, keep the things that are important to us in good shape.

Let’s admit it, we all got two wolves in us, a good one and a bad one, you know what I’m talking about — and they BOTH wanna eat… We just gotta feed that good wolf a little more than the other one.

5. Process of elimination is the first step to our identity (a.k.a where you are NOT is as important as where you are)

In 1992, I got my first job as an actor. Three lines, three days work, in a film called Dazed and Confused. Alright.

Alright, Alright, Alright.

The director, Richard Linklater, kept inviting me back to set each night, putting me in more scenes which led to more lines all of which I happily said YES to. I was having a blast. People said I was good at it, they were writing me a check for $325 a day. I mean hell yeah, give me more scenes, I love this!! And by the end of the shoot those 3 lines had turned into over 3 weeks work and “it was Wooderson’s ’70 Chevelle we went to get Aerosmith tickets in.” Bad ass.

Well, a few years ago I was watching the film again and I noticed two scenes that I really shouldn’t have been in. In one of the scenes, I exited screen left to head somewhere, then re-entered the screen to “double check” if any of the other characters wanted to go with me. Now, in rewatching the film, (and you’ll agree if you know Wooderson), he was not a guy who would ever say, “later,” and then COME BACK to “see if you were sure you didn’t wanna come with him..” No, when Wooderson leaves, Wooderson’s gone, he doesn’t stutter step, flinch, rewind, ask twice, or solicit, right? He just “likes those high school girls cus he gets older and they stay the same age.”

My point is, I should NOT have been in THAT scene, I should have exited screen left and never come back.

But back then, making my first film, getting invited back to set, cashing that check and having a ball, I WANTED more screen time, I WANTED to be in the scene longer and more, and come back into the scene right?

I shouldn’t have been there. Wooderson shouldn’t have been there.

It’s just as important where we are not as it is where we are.

The first step that leads to our identity in life is usually NOT “I know who I am,” but rather “I know who I AM NOT.” Process of elimination.

Defining ourselves by what we are NOT is the first step that leads us to really KNOWING WHO WE ARE.

You know that group of friends you hang out with that really don’t bring out your best? They gossip too much, or they’re kind of shady, and they really aren’t gonna be there for you in a pinch? Or how about that bar we keep going to that we always seem to have the worst hangover from? Or that computer screen that keeps giving us an excuse not to get out of the house and engage with the world and get some HUMAN interaction? Or how about that food we keep eating? Tastes so good going down but makes us feel like crap the next week when we feel lethargic and keep putting on weight?

Those people, those places, those things — STOP giving them your TIME and ENERGY. Don’t GO there, put them DOWN — and when you DO quit giving them your time, you inadvertently find yourself spending MORE time and in more PLACES that are more healthy for YOU, that bring YOU more joy — WHY?

Because you just eliminated the who’s, the where’s, the what’s and the when’s that were keeping you from your identity. Trust me, too many options makes a tyrants of us all. So get rid of the excess, the wasted time, decrease your options… and you will have accidentally, almost innocently, put in front of you, what is important to you by process of elimination.

Knowing who we ARE is hard. Give yourself a break. Eliminate who you are NOT first, and you’ll find yourself where you need to be.

6. DON’T LEAVE CRUMBS — and the beauty of delayed gratification

What are crumbs? The crumbs I’m talking about are the choice we make that make us have to look over our shoulder in the future.

You didn’t pay that guy back the money you owed him and tonight you just saw him sitting 3 rows behind you…shit…You slept around on your spouse and you just found out that tomorrow, she and the lady you’re having an affair with, are going to be at the same PTA meeting…shit again… You drank too much last night and you’re too hungover to drive your son to his 8 a.m. Saturday morning baseball practice. THESE ARE CRUMBS! They come in the form of regret, guilt, and remorse — you leave em today, they will cause you more stress tomorrow, and they DISALLOW you from creating a customized future in which you DO NOT have to look over your shoulder.

So…let’s flip the script. Instead of creating outcomes that take FROM us, let’s create MORE outcomes that pay us BACK, fill us up, keep your fire lit, turn you ON, for the most amount of TIME in your future.

These are the choices I speak of and this is the beauty of delayed gratification.

Tee yourself up. Do yourself a favor. Make the choices, the purchase TODAY that PAYS you back TOMORROW. RESIDUALS. In my business, it’s called “mailbox money.” I do my job well today, I get checks in the mailbox five years from now — heck of a deal.

So, whether its prepping the coffee maker the night before so all you gotta do is press the button in the morning, or getting ready for the job interview early so you don’t have to cram the night before, or choosing not to hook up with that married woman because you know you’ll feel horrible about it tomorrow (and her husband carries a gun), or paying your debts on time so when you do see that guy three rows back tonight — you don’t have to hunker down in your seat hoping he don’t see you. Get some R.O.I — RETURN ON INVESTMENT — Your investment. You. You customize your future.

DON’T LEAVE CRUMBS.

7. DISSECT YOUR SUCCESSES (and the reciprocity of gratitude)

We so often focus on our FAILURES. We study them. We obsess on them. We DISSECT them. We end up intoxicated with them to the point of disillusion.

When do we write in our diary? When we’re depressed. What do we gossip about? Other people’s flaws and limitations. We can dissect ourselves into self loathing if we’re not careful — and I find that most of the times our obsession with what is wrong just breeds more wrong and more failure.

The easiest way to dissect success is though gratitude. Giving thanks for that which we do have, for what is working, appreciating the simple things we sometimes take for granted. We give thanks for these things and that gratitude reciprocates, creating more to be thankful for. It’s simple, and it works.

I’m not saying be in denial of your failures. No, we can learn from them too, but only if we look at them constructively. As a means to reveal what we are good at, what we can get better at, what we do succeed at.

I’ve read a lot of my bad reviews, and the good “bad reviews,” written by the more talented critics, are constructive. They reveal to me what did translate in my work, what came across, what was seen, or what wasn’t. I don’t obsess on the unfavorable aspect of their review, but I do seek what I can learn from it — Because their displeasure actually uncovers and makes more apparent what I do do well, what I am successful at… and then I dissect that.

Life is a verb. We try our best. We don’t always do our best. Well, architecture is a verb as well. And since we are the architects of our lives, lets study the habits, the practices, the routines we have that lead to and feed our success… our joy, our honest pain, our laughter, our earned tears…Let’s Dissect THAT and give thanks for THOSE things… and when we do that what happens? We get better at them…and have more to dissect.

8. MAKE VOLUNTARY OBLIGATIONS

Mom and dad teach us things as children. Teachers, mentors, the government and laws all give us guidelines to navigate life, rules to abide by in the name of accountability.

I’m not talking about those obligations. I’m talking about the ones we make with ourselves, with our God, with our own consciousness. I’m talking about the YOU versus YOU obligations. We have to have them. Again, these are not societal laws and expectations that we acknowledge and endow for anyone other than ourselves. These are FAITH based OBLIGATIONS that we make on our own.

Not the lowered insurance rate for a good driving record, you will not be fined or put in jail if you do not gratify the obligations I speak of — no one else governs these but you.

They’re secrets with yourself, private council, personal protocols, and while nobody throws you a party when you abide by them, no one will arrest you when you break them either. Except yourself. Or, some cops who got a “disturbing the peace” call at 2:30 in the morning because you were playing bongos in your birthday suit.

An honest man’s pillow is his peace of mind, and when you lay down on the pillow at night, no matter who’s in our bed we ALL sleep alone. — These are your personal jiminy crickets. And there are not enough cops in the entire world to police them — It’s on YOU.

9. From can to want

1995. I got my first big paycheck as an actor. I think it was 150 grand. The film was Boys on the Side and we’re shooting in Tucson, AZ and I have this sweet little adobe guest house on the edge of the Saguaro National Park. The house came with a maid. My first maid. It was awesome. So, I’ve got a friend over one Friday night and we’re having a good time and I’m telling her about how happy I am with my set up . The house. The maid. Especially, the maid. I’m telling her, “she cleans the place after I go to work, washes my clothes, the dishes, puts fresh water by my bed, leaves me cooked meals sometimes, and SHE EVEN PRESSES MY JEANS!” My friend, she smiles at me, happy for my genuine excitement over this “luxury service” I’m getting, and she says, “Well…that’s great…if you like your jeans pressed.”

I kind of looked at her, kind of stuttered without saying anything, you know, that dumb ass look you can get, and it hit me…

I hate that line going down my jeans! And it was then, for the first time, that I noticed…I’ve never thought about NOT liking that starched line down the front of my jeans!! Because I’d never had a maid to iron my jeans before!! And since she did, now, for the first time in my life, I just liked it because I could get it, I never thought about if I really wanted it there. Well, I did NOT want it there. That line… and that night I learned something.

Just because you CAN?… Nah… It’s not a good enough reason to do something. Even when it means having more, be discerning, choose it, because you WANT it, DO IT because you WANT to.

I’ve never had my jeans pressed since.

10. A roof is a man made thing

January 3, 1993. NFL playoffs. Your Houston Oilers vs. Buffalo Bills. Oilers up 28–3 at halftime, 35–3 early in the 3rd. Frank Reich and the Bills come back to win 41–38 in overtime for one of the greatest comebacks in NFL history. Yeah, the Bills won, but they didn’t really beat the Oilers. The Oilers lost that game, they beat themselves.

Why? Because at halftime they put a ceiling, a roof, a limit on their belief in themselves, a.k.a the “prevent defense.” Maybe they started thinking about the next opponent at halftime, played on their heels, lost the mental edge the entire 2nd half and voila, they lost. In a mere 2 quarters defensive coordinator Jim Eddy went from being called DC OF THE YEAR and “the man first in line to be a HC next year” to a man without a job in the NFL.

You ever choked? You know what I mean, fumbled at the goal line, stuck your foot in your mouth once you got the microphone, had a brain freeze on the exam you were totally prepared for, forgot the punch line to a joke in front of four thousand graduating students at a University of Houston Commencement speech? Or maybe you’ve had that feeling of “Oh my God, life can’t get any better, do I deserve this?”

What happens when we get that feeling? We tense up, we have this outer body experience where we are literally seeing our self in the third person. We realize that the moment just got bigger than us. You ever felt that way? I have.

It’s because we have created a fictitious ceiling, a roof, to our expectations of ourselves, a limit — where we think it’s all too good to be true. BUT IT ISN’T. AND IT’S NOT OUR RIGHT TO SAY OR BELIEVE IT IS.

We shouldn’t create these restrictions on ourselves. A blue ribbon, a statue, a score, a great idea, the love of our life, a euphoric bliss. Who are we to think we don’t deserve or haven’t earned these gifts when we get them?

Not our right.

But if we stay in process, within ourselves, in the joy of the doing, we will never choke at the finish line. Why? Because we aren’t thinking of the finish line, we’re not looking at the clock, we’re not watching ourselves on the Jumbotron performing the very act we are in the middle of. No, we’re in process, the APPROACH IS THE DESTINATION… and we are NEVER finished.

Bo Jackson ran over the goal line, through the end zone and up the tunnel — the greatest snipers and marksmen in the world don’t aim at the target, they aim on the other side of it.

We do our best when our destinations are beyond the “measurement,” when our reach continually exceeds our grasp, when we have immortal finish lines.

When we do this, the race is never over. The journey has no port. The adventure never ends because we are always on our way. Do this, and let them tap us on the shoulder and say, “hey, you scored.” Let them tell you “You won.” Let them come tell you, “you can go home now.” Let them say “I love you too.” Let them say “thank you.”

TAKE THE LID OFF THE MAN MADE ROOFS WE PUT ABOVE OURSELVES AND ALWAYS PLAY LIKE AN UNDERDOG.

11. Turn the page

The late and great University of Texas football coach Daryl Royal was a friend of mine and a good friend to many. A lot of people looked up to him. One was a musician named “Larry.” Now at this time in his life Larry was in the prime of his country music career, had #1 hits and his life was rollin’. He had picked up a habit snortin’ “the white stuff” somewhere along the line and at one particular party after a “bathroom break,” Larry went confidently up to his mentor Daryl and he started telling Coach a story. Coach listened as he always had and when Larry finished his story and was about to walk away, Coach Royal put a gentle hand on his shoulder and very discreetly said, “Larry, you got something on your nose there bud.” Larry immediately hurried to the bathroom mirror where he saw some white powder he hadn’t cleaned off his nose. He was ashamed. He was embarrassed. As much because he felt so disrespectful to Coach Royal, and as much because he’d obviously gotten too comfortable with the drug to even hide as well as he should.

Well, the next day Larry went to coach’s house, rang the doorbell, Coach answered and he said, “Coach, I need to talk to you.” Daryl said, “sure, c’mon in.”

Larry confessed. He purged his sins to Coach. He told him how embarrassed he was, and how he’s “lost his way” in the midst of all the fame and fortune and towards the end of an hour, Larry, in tears, asked Coach, “What do you think I should do?” Now, Coach, being a man of few words, just looked at him and calmly confessed himself. He said, “Larry, I have never had any trouble turning the page in the book of my life.” Larry got sober that day and he has been for the last 40 years.

You ever get in a rut? Stuck on the merry-go-round of a bad habit? I have. You are going to make mistakes — own them, make amends, and move on. Guilt and regret kills many a man before their time. Turn the page, get off the ride. YOU are the author of the book of your life. Turn the page.

12. Give your obstacles credit

You know these No Fear t-shirts? I don’t get em. Hell, I try to scare myself at least once a day. I get butterflies every morning before I go to work. I was nervous before I got here to speak tonight. I think fear is a good thing. Why? Because it increases our NEED to overcome that fear.

Say your obstacle is fear of rejection. You want to ask her out but you fear she may say “no.” You want to ask for that promotion but you’re scared your boss will think you’re overstepping your bounds.

Well, instead of denying these fears, declare them, say them out loud, admit them, give them the credit they deserve. Don’t get all macho and act like they’re no big deal, and don’t get paralyzed by denying they exist and therefore abandoning your need to overcome them. I mean, I’d subscribe to the belief that we’re all destined to have to do the thing we fear the most anyway.

So, you give your obstacles credit and you will one. Find the courage to overcome them or see clearly that they are not really worth prevailing over.

BE BRAVE, HAVE COURAGE. WHEN YOU DO YOU GET STRONGER, MORE AWARE, AND MORE RESPECTFUL — OF YOURSELF, AND THAT WHICH YOU FEAR.

13. So how do we know when we cross the truth?

13. Why 13? Unlucky # right?

Well, when did 13 get the bad rap and become the mongrel of numerology? Thirteen’s never done me wrong. In fact, 13 has been a pretty lucky number for me, lemme tell you how:

I’ve always taken these 21 day trips by myself to far off places where I usually don’t know the language and nobody knows my name. They’re adventures and they’re a purge, a cleanse for me. Like a 21 day fast from attention, from all the things I have in my well appointed life. They’re a check OUT, so I can check IN with myself.

See how I’m doing, be forced to be my own and only company, to have a look in MY mirror. And you know what can happen when we do THAT — sometimes we don’t like what we see.

In 1996, right after I got “famous” from a film called A Time to Kill, I headed out on one of these 21-day walkabouts — this time to the jungles and mountains of Peru. The sudden fame I’d just gotten was somewhat unbalancing. My face was everywhere, everyone wanted a piece of me, people I’d never met were swearing they “loved me” — everywhere I went, there I was, on a billboard, a magazine cover. It was just weird. What was this all about? What was reality and what was bullshit? Did I deserve all this?” were all questions I was asking myself.

“Who was I?” was another.

Now, there’s always an initiation period with these trips. An amount of time that it takes for the place to INITIATE the traveler. The time it takes to disconnect from the world we left, and become completely present in the one we are traveling in…For me, that initiation period usually last about thirteen days. Yes. Thirteen hellish days until I’m out of my own way. After that, the trip is smooth sailing.

Well, it was the night of the twelfth day of my 21-day trip. I was settling into camp, I’d already hiked 80 miles to this point and had a three-day trek to Machu Pichu ahead of me.

I was sick of myself. Wrestling with the loss of my anonymity, guilt ridden for sins of my past, full of regret. I was lonely — disgusted with the company I was keeping: MY OWN — and doing a pretty good job of mentally beating the shit out of myself.

Grappling with the demons on this night, I couldn’t sleep. All of these badges and banners and expectations and anxieties I was carrying with me. I needed to free myself from them… Who was I? I asked myself. Not only on this trip but in this life. So I stripped down to nothing. I took off every moniker that gave me pride and confidence, all the window dressings, the packaging around my product (heart). I discarded my lucky and faithful American cap, stripped off my talismans from adventures past. I even discarded my late father’s gold ring he gave to me that was made from a meltdown of he and my mom’s class rings and gold from one of her teeth.

I was naked. Literally and figuratively. And I got sick. Soaked in sweat, I threw up until there was no bile left in my belly, and finally passed out from exhaustion.

A few hours later, I awoke on this thirteenth morning to a rising sun. Surprisingly fresh and energized, I dressed, made some tea and went for a morning walk. Not towards my destination Machu Pichu but rather to nowhere in particular. My gut was still a bit piqued from last night’s purge, yet I curiously felt pretty good: alive, clean, free, light.

Along a muddy path on this walk, I turned a corner and there in the middle of the road was a mirage of the most magnificent pinks and blues and red colors I had ever seen. It was electric, glowing and vibrant, hovering just off the surface, as if it was plugged in to some neon power plant.

I stopped. I stared. There was no way around it: The jungle floor in front of me was actually THOUSANDS OF BUTTERFLIES. There, in my path. It was SPECTACULAR.

I stayed awhile, and somewhere in my captivation, I heard this little voice inside my head say these words, “All I want is what I can see, and what I can see, is in front of me.”

At that moment, for the first time on this trip, I had stopped anticipating what was around the corner, stopped thinking about what was coming up next and what was up ahead. Time slowed down. I was no longer in a rush to get anywhere. My anxieties were eased.

A few hours later I returned to camp and packed for my continued journey onto Machu Pichu. I had a bounce in my step, new energy. The local Sherpas I was traveling with even noticed, calling out to me, “sois luz Mateo, sois luz!!!” — meaning “you are light” in Spanish.

You see, I forgave myself that morning. I let go of the guilt, the weight on my shoulders lifted, my penance paid, and I got back in good graces with God. I shook hands with myself, my best friend, the one we’re all stuck with anyway. From that morning on, the adventure was awesome. I was present, out of my own way, not anticipating next, embracing only what was in front of my eyes, and giving everything the justice it deserved.

You see, I crossed a truth that morning. Did I find it? I don’t know, I think it found me. Why? Because I put myself in a place to be found. I put myself in a place to receive the truth.

So, how do we know when we cross the truth?

I believe the truth is all around us, all the time. The answer, you know, it’s always right there. But we don’t always see it, grasp it, hear it, access it — because we’re not in the right place to.

So what do we do?

First, we have to put ourselves in the place to receive the truth. We live in an extremely noisy world with all kinds of frequencies coming at us — commitments, deadlines, fix this, do that, plans, expectations — and they all make it hard to get clarity and peace of mind. So we have to consciously put ourselves in a place to receive that clarity. Whether that’s prayer, meditation, a walkabout, being in right company, a road trip, whatever it is for you.

Schedule that time to be in a place to receive the truth.

Now, if we hear it, if it becomes clear, a truth that is natural and infinite, then the second part comes…

…which is to PERSONALIZE it. Ask how it works for you, how it applies to you personally, why you need it in your life, specifically.

…If we do THAT, then comes the third part:

….having the patience to internalize it — and get it from our intellectual head and into our bones and soul and our instinct. We can’t rush this part, it takes time.

And if we get that far. We received it, we personalized it, we internalized it. If we make it that far, then comes THE BIGGIE ….

Having the courage to act on it. To actually take it into our daily lives and practice it, to make it an active part of who we are and live it.

If we can do that, then we have what I believe is Heaven on Earth.

The place where what we want is also just what we need. I mean that’s the ticket isn’t it!!? That’s where I want to live!!

So while we’re here, let’s make it a place where we break a sweat, where we believe, where we enjoy the process of succeeding in the places and ways we are fashioned to. Where we don’t have to look over our shoulder because we are too busy doing what we’re good at. Voluntarily keeping our own council because we WANT to. Traveling towards immortal finish lines. We write our book. Overcome our fears. We make friends with ourselves.

That is the place I’m talking about.

Thank you, good luck and just keep livin.

[oh-surprise-its-me]

So I saw a tik Tok earlier about people checking in on the bodega cats in their neighborhoods after the New York flooding. That got me thinking about Chris going with Ron and Tom to New York for the first time and finding out that bodega cats are a thing. Chris would absolutely make them stay an extra 5-10 minutes or more whenever they go to bodegas just so he can pet and play with and love up on those cats. I know Ron isn’t a cat fan but I feel like the bodega cats would be begging him for attention because they get the good vibes from him. And then Tom and Chris would be trying so hard not to laugh as their giant of a boyfriend is trying to safely get away from the cats who just want his attention

You’re brilliant and literally so correct!

Ron ends up getting stockholmed syndromed into liking cats ngl. But it takes a few years…

(I’m so sorry I took so long to respond I was dead on my feet yesterday and literally fell asleep with my phone in my hand when laying in bed writing this.)

-

“Ah welcome back Tommy. Hello Chris, Ron.”

They all grin at Mr. Johan’s. Chris makes a beeline for the cat sitting in the basket. “Chris- aaand we’ve lost him.” Ron laughs. “Course we did. There’s a cat.”

Tom knocks his elbow into Ron’s side and points at the ground, “speaking of cat.”

There’s a little tabby rubbing her legs on Ron’s snow boots. He sighs. Glances over at Chris but finds him completely involved with whatever creature he’s found.

Ron leans down and gives the cat a single pet. It meows at him. This is why he doesn’t pet cats. They’re evil. “Tommy take this stupid cat.”

“Oi! Don’t call my darling Ruby stupid you big navy idiot!” “Sorry Mr. Johan. I don’t mean stupid in a bad way.”

The man raises an eyebrow and Ron can only shrug. Okay so he did mean it in a bad way but whatever.

“Tommy look at this cat.”

Suddenly Chris is standing next to them holding a little brow haired kitten. Tom gasps.

Fuck.

Ron knows that noise.

That’s not the Chris put it back noise.

That’s the omg cat we need noise.

“No. No cats. No more cats.”

Chris spins and stares at his boyfriend. “Babyyyy.” Tom slips a hand around Chris’s waist. “Pleeeasee?”

Mr. Johans laughs at the three of them. It’s getting close to midnight and they’re the only idiots out in this weather. Ron sighs. He knows he’s never meant to win against the two of them. That’s fine. It makes them happy.

“Jesus fine.”

Chris gasps like he didn’t expect this outcome. He hands the kitten to Tom and throws himself at Ron. “Baby thank you!” Tom nods and passes the cat back. He leans up and kisses Rons cheek. “You’re a good boyfriend.”

Ron shakes his head and sets what the actual came for on the counter. “How much for the kitten.” Chris is already talking to the creature about names.

Mr, Johans tilts his head, he smiles at Chris, “for him? Free. For you Ron? Four hundred.”

Tom coughs. Ron kicks him in the ankle. Tom makes a sound at the impact. “So free?”

Chris steps forward still holding the stupid cat. “I promise he’ll be in fabulous hands don’t worry sir.” Mr. Johans smiles at Chris again. “Anytime kiddo. Stay safe with these two. And be a good dad to that cat.”

Chris is practically bouncing in place. He kisses the cats head again and tucks her into his coat to stay warm.

Can’t wait to show Sarah what he got.

-

“How are you explaining this to my mom?” - “honestly Tommy didn’t think I’d get Ron to agree let alone how to tell Aleska.” - “better question you two. How is it coming home with us.” - “in a carrier and the car we took up here?”

[lucienarcheron]

hi gigi! i hope that this question isn’t overwhelming but i love love love smtb and i think that you’re a great writer i would like to improve my writing/take writing more seriously and i’ve attempted to write fics in the past but i just don’t know where to take a simple idea so i never finish anything…. do you have any advice in planning a fic or writing in general? (e.g. how do i ensure that the dialogue is something the character im writing about would actually say?)

hello darling! first off, thanks so much for loving SMTB and my writing! It means so much and I'm so flattered you're asking me! Here are some of my thoughts :)

I think my biggest piece of advice for getting better at writing is to literally just keep writing. You only get better through practice. Editing my old stuff and looking at it now has been so interesting because I see how I would do it differently now vs then. I wouldn't know that if I hadn't let myself just write. Write whatever it is, even if you think it sucks. Just do it. You can always go back and edit it but you won't have anything to edit if you don't actually write it. Even if it's been done before. Even if you think someone does it better than you. Write it because no one could write it like you can.

I would describe my approach to writing as a "loose" planner lol. I usually have a beginning, a big event, and the ending then figure out everything that I want to happen in between as I go along. I've found that this helps me have something to follow while also allowing room for the characters/story to give me ideas. You can always start with these kinds of questions: what is the point of this piece? Why am I putting this character in this situation? What is the outcome I want? What is the tone that I'm trying to convey?

If it's easier, start with short prompts and drabbles to get you in the groove of your writing style before you move on to bigger one-shots or multi-chapters. If you feel like follow-through is something you struggle with, focus on shorter pieces so you can build up to stories you can follow through on.

As for dialogue and feeling like the way you write the character is true to how they would sound in canon, I always recommend rereading the scenes they're in. You can ask yourself, what do I know about this character? Based on what they've been through and how their dynamic is with others in the book, would they say this? Remember that fanfiction is also meant to be fun so you can strive away from canon. I personally always try to write characters the way I think they would actually be in canon and prefer to read fanfics that do the same but again, with how creative fanfiction allows people to be, you can find literally a n y t h i n g. It's pretty cool to see how people can interpret characters differently (unless it's something weird then I don't like it lmao). But don't stress yourself out too much about that. The important thing is a) write b) have fun and c) don't be so hard on yourself. Putting pressure on yourself makes it less fun lol.

I hope this helps somewhat! 😅♥️

[lets-talk-spirituality]

Hi, i’m the “confused about career wannabe musician anon” that sent you that ask yesterday. What i meant to say was I really wanna pursue a music career & become a singer/songwriter/performer type, I know how to play some instruments and have a good ear. I can already imagine myself as one and have daydreams about performing and doing interviews lol. I really wanna be a musician, and you were on the nose about me currently studying/doing a job that i do NOT wanna do lol. If I were to start my music career, should I do it now? Or when do you think is a good time based on your intuition? I’m anxious to start but don’t really know when would be a good time or what timing would make for better success/ recognition? Thanks again for your reading before it was really insightful!

Anon! We are similar in this way :) What I feel is you need to pursue money in an enriching way, do jobs that will give you inspiration, like don’t pursue career with the traditional idea of like staying in that forever, find something you can do, that pays you but isn’t soul draining. I’ll give an example. I’ve considered learning how to be a barista, because it would be a fun skill and could inspire me in the people I meet, there are also jobs like working on a farm, etc. You have to work, but you can do it in a way that uplifts your art. I think don’t see music as a career, it’s not, it’s a calling. You are called to make music regardless if you make money. I think you should start creating and producing now. You’re too focused on the outcome, the success, the interviews, focus on singing and writing from your soul. Sing because you must, write because you must, the outcome is human, the creation is spirit. Try your best to let your music be what it wants, not what you think it should be or what others think it should be. Don’t sellout.

[fersrsbizniz]

I see now it’s going to be “A Better Mouse Trap”

Something something about Sentinel? Let’s find out what my brain remembers.

*Note: I skipped this episode and watched the next one with my wife a little bit ago (didn’t realize I had skipped it until I saw where I was on my last saved reflection, so I get to share that with anyone who is interested soon).

Forever listen to the intro. I’d put this in a playlist. Hey…I wonder if Spotify…

I can’t tell. That might be the theme, or a cover, but it won’t play for me. Just got the campfire song song blasting currently because damn me and my curiosity.

So we have Waspinator, Terrorsaur, and Blackarachnia being dastardly, having plots, making Waspinator do all the work.

Glad to see it isn’t a bomb, considering the unstable energon vein that connects the two bases. This is going to be weak enough because it’s a sonic emitter aimed at a different part, on a smaller scale, I guess? Is it wise? Idk, who cares, she’s clearly put some thought into it, let’s move along.

And she’s bullying Terrorsaur. Nice.

Ah, a switch in POV. Rhinox is going over some changes he’s made to Sentinel (I do remember this episode!) that are very much meant to detain rather than maim, and tbh I would have been shocked if it had been to do more than knock someone out. I’m not sure I would call this impregnable, but if these types of defenses were actually implemented, the Predacons would have a bit of a tougher time.

What I mean is if we ever heard about all the changes ever again in other episodes (then again they are always managing to turn them off so maybe that’s why?)

Waspinator has been spotted on Cheetor’s watch and it sounds like Optimus is connecting some dots.

Sure he’s on the side of the Predacons, but I can’t help but have this soft spot for Waspinator. Yes, Waspinator, you rule, just not in the way you think.

Ooh a dig at Rattrap. Sounds like you’re learning more than just stealth tips there, Optimus. And then it’s all serious again.

THE FINGER WIGGLES!!! The little :) !!! I love

Cue chase, then back to base!

And Dinobot disapproves of the defenses, what a surprising revelation! lol

He does kind of prove his point there though. Might need more “tanglers” than that to stop Predacons that get past the initial defenses. Right now you just pissed him off, Rattrap. And you both are now going to mess up Rhinox’s hard work.

Yep. Yep. Yep. There you go.

Petty boy gets the petty prize of shocking oneself (and somehow not blowing a fuse), which begins the problems!!!

Something about the way he turns his head back with his hand is funny but I can’t pinpoint why.

And awww, its nice to see Rattrap acting responsibly. He does a lot of cool things when he’s like this.

Back outside…

Of course the energon surge happens now, but it does give Tigatron the chance to show his moves, again. HOWEVER, I’m not usually a huge fan of the I work alone mindset when there’s no reason for someone to have to work alone. Dire situations where inaction from even a single person could have terrible lasting effects? Yes, I’m for it. But currently they only know they’re looking for something fishy. Being stubborn like this is not a way to ensure the best outcome.

Back to base with being locked out of said base, jammed comm links, and Ooooooooh!!! He said it! He said the thing!

And now Rattrap is proving its not enough defense (although it would require the more thoughtful Predacons to devise ways to beat the programming)…well that OR that he’s just that good of an infiltrator.

He waved! Second wave!

Tigatron found the secret door! And now is off to cause some problems for the Predacons. All the while the other Maximals are trying to get back in.

And now I’m thinking…aren’t these methods a little…self-destructive base wise?

A stealth fighter, master marksman, and demolition expert? Yep (aside from the demolition thing) fave rpg build there. The demolition thing makes me think of how my wife always messed with me in Perfect Dark, and how I’d come after her with just my fists after she disarmed me, scaring the crap out of her with my tranquilized accuracy, before eventually being taken down because she was better at the game lol.

Okay Tigatron, I appreciate you have a stealth mode, but what exactly about this mode is…stealth?

I guess it was, if you were able to steal the emitter? Idk I was just sad Blackarachnia was sad about her invention being taken. A girl can’t even destroy something…

Once again I ask with more concern: WAS THIS EXPLOSION WISE?!?!?

You’re all lucky you didn’t trip up that vein omg I stg

Here Rattrap is being cool and all I can think of is wow, that is a SHINY backside because it’s like the brightest thing on the screen.

Really, I’m no expert on like defense, but (and I know it should be toss the logic here, they’re not prepared for all of this, etc…) shouldn’t there be more substantial defenses above if you are willing to go (what looks like) lethal with your defense here???

That’s a bit fatalistic, Rhinox. Sure Sentinel wouldn’t drop the shield if an enemy were still around, but it wouldn’t keep up the shield if the situation was fixed. Omg everyone is sad D:

And there’s Dinobot with the pragmatic eulogy (cue me shedding preemptive tears for future…I straight up can’t finish the sentence I am legit sad now)

At least you know where you stand, I guess (ow ow ow)

Awww Rhinox, he’s your best friend? 🥺🥺🥺 I don’t remember you saying that. But I can see it. Now the question is, are you guys the galest of pals?

And there Rattrap is, making a scene and lightening the mood for everyone. Major deaths? Not in this episode!

And that’s it!

(Now I want to play perfect dark but that’s like the n64 game and idk if we have the wires for that here)

[angel-uhrr]

here we fucking go again

so you broke up. and this time, it seems like it’s the end. and you know logically that there’s nothing that can fix it but healing and time, but of course you miss him and of course you log onto this stupid fucking blog because of course you come in here everytime that you feel like garbage. 

the personal tag on this tumblr is rapidly becoming a diary of all the shitty things that have happened in your life - your first failed relationship (fuck you t*******), your depression from first year undergrad (and again in first year grad school), your rejection from med school, and now your second failed relationship. prime yourself for more entries from me when im too distracted to work because lord knows that this breakup hurts more than the last one because this guy is a genuinely good guy. 

or at least i think he is. i want to believe he is. i didnt spend three years with a guy who isnt a good guy. i didnt spend three years with a guy who didn’t love me the best way i have ever experienced in my life (although i don’t really have that much experience with it). i didnt spend three years with a guy who made me feel less than in any way, i spent three years with a guy who learned how to love me and wanted to keep loving me. 

he just mistook love for feelings when love is, in fact, choices. i cant really fault him for that. i cant even say i havent been there. but part of me will always wonder what couldve happened to us if the conversation went a different way. 

1) if he told me sooner, maybe. 

2) if i didnt rush into suggesting to break up, perhaps. 

3) if we took the time we said we would apart so he could make the decision that he had to make with clear eyes, i don’t know. 

that’s not what happened though.

here’s where i do a very long rundown of why those what ifs are not going to help you. 

1) if he told you sooner: he didn’t. that’s on him. you can’t do anything about this so don’t even consider this one. he didn’t. and even if he did, you don’t know if this outcome would’ve happened regardless. 

2) if you didn’t suggest breaking up: that’s not only on you. that’s on both of you for agreeing about it. 

but also, even if it was all on you, that’s a natural reaction to how things went. say you didn’t suggest breaking up, what would you be doing right now? calling him and feeling like he isn’t in it? doubting the kind words that he tells you because of his lack of feelings? trying to work things out with someone who clearly, so fucking clearly wasn’t sure if he wanted to? no. angela, no. you deserve to be with someone who, despite feeling that way, tells you firmly and confidently that he wants to make it work with you no matter what. no second thoughts or hesitation whatsoever just because of something as flimsy as feelings. 

3) if we took our time apart: that was also on him. he should not have played with your feelings by asking you out like that. he should not have tried to make you feel like he had a decision when he didn’t. he should not have used the words that he did to ask you out tomorrow when he didn’t know for certain that he wanted to be with you. no. no. that is not how it works. not to mention, this time right now? this is time apart.

it’s just time apart with no false hope that you will be together again. and that is what you need to properly focus on yourself. you know it too, you aren’t a dumb bitch. you’re in fucking grad school, near halfway done for pete’s sake. you’re quadruple published and are more than this relationship. you know it too. because you’re so smart, you’ll know exactly what im going to say next: 

getting better to get back together should not be your focus. 

get better for your own sake. get better so you can walk the earth proud of yourself. get better for the loved ones who did choose to stick around and walk you through this challenging time. 

you told him a billion and one times that “i was happy with my life before you, if we end, i can be happy again, because i am my own person.” you meant that shit. and he is the same, he can be happy on his own too. and should be. 

anyways, all this to say that you are amazing. come on here to vent anytime you’re bothering your friends a little too much. i’m always here to listen. 

[musingmemories]

“Crazy lady?” Lila's chuckle rang off the stone walls and down the pitch dark tunnels, perhaps carried on to other timelines where she might've been making the same sound in a different circumstance. Echoed in one resounding chorus. “You'd think after years of spending time with me you'd come up with better insults.” Contradicting herself, Lila could recall the exact moments Five had actually managed to hurt her feelings during their tension induced squabbles. He knew it too— she could see it shift briefly in his expression and those sea glass eyes before he'd glance away and a thickened silence settled between them. Sometimes their cold shouldering lasted for days, both too stubborn to be the one to apologize, using the art of distraction to let the other know bygones were bygones.

Here he was now taunting her about her admittance, dark chocolate orbs rolling coyly in amusement. “A T-shirt both of us would wear? I'm used to men begging me to get under their clothes but sharing a shirt would be a first. We'd look like two stooges.” If Five had meant two separate shirts, which was more than likely the case, Lila took it an entirely different way on purpose. At least then it was easier to lighten the gravity of the words she'd spoken into existence seconds ago: Five wasn’t bad company. Tell that to her past self and Lila would’ve killed you on the spot before you could elaborate. Trapped for what might be ever in a slow march throughout possible, inevitable doom. The Apocalypse.

What better way to pass the time than with a casual game of rock, paper, scissors and loser bare their souls? Or Truth or Dare that made Lila crack a grin, masking the pain that came with the mention of Diego. “Knowing him he’d claim I were trying to outdo his shorter hairstyle. Although, he might also like me in a different wig— one for each of my split personalities.” Oh it hurt… the thought of seeing that stupid grin of Diego’s again. Genuine happiness now seemed a fleeting memory… even more so than before when they’d been drowning in diapers and laundry and overall unfulfillment. Grinding to a halt in their passions both in and out of love, gradually becoming roommates from lovers.

Suppose this was her penance for wanting something different out of her life. Jealous of others— women who were still free, alone time something Lila had to fight for just to use the toilet in peace or have the excuse to run an errand. Now here she was. Alone. Completely. Utterly. With the exception of Five, of course, now defending his Greek serial killer persona like he were being judged by the jury. “You’ll buy me a mustache because you think I’m jealous? Think the shirt’s gonna just about do it for me. I’d hate for you to blow your life savings because that retirement fund isn’t looking too good with that baby face of yours.” Snickering at her own wit, Lila was stalling to give herself time to think of what Five’s next sleight of hand would be and her tactic against it. “I’d bleed you dry at this rate if you’re so insistent on getting me things. I can be rather expensive, you know.” She’d traded a bracelet in for a Dyson vacuum, after all.

A sacrifice for a need. A necessity. A step toward growing up and becoming less selfish. To better suit her lifestyle. Something she hadn’t told anyone before, Diego assuming Lila simply hated bracelets and ran with it, never gifting her with one again. Instead of asking point blank what it was she wanted and getting her that exact thing. The spontaneity between them had died, as did Five’s sails did from him trying to purchase alcohol, only to be turned away for his looks. Lila burst out into laughter. “Don’t tell me you think the mustache would’ve had a different outcome… but did those candies add sweetness to your wound? Because I’m sure you at least tried one? I would’ve stolen the alcohol, but that’s just me~”

Unfortunately for Five, scissors had been chosen by Lila’s hands, cutting harshly on his held out paper. “That’ll be another secret please.”

                   ˜”*°•.         ❝ A  loser  ?  I  think  you  are  remembering  something  very  wrong, crazy-lady . ❞  Words  echoed  confident  arrogant .  Many  times  had  they  resorted  in  games,  after  all  -  a  desperate  attempt  to  pass  the  time  be  it  with  silly  dares  or  guesses .  This  was  perhaps  the  reason  why  holding  out  hope  was  easier  this  time .  Why   he  didn’t  feel  his  mind  slipping  away  into  madness .  He  wasn’t  alone .  He  didn’t  have  to  keep  himself  focused  all  the  time,  he  didn’t   have  to  do  it  all  on  his  own .  She  was  there .  And  as  many  ups  and  downs  as  they’d  gone  through,  he  couldn’t  imagine  himself  enduring  solitude  again. 

Still,  at  her  words  it  was  impossible  to  hold  back  the  amusement .  And  maybe  it  was  partially  because  of  the  undeniable  victory  this  round,  however  he’d  found  himself  rejoicing  in  her  company  too .  They  were  similar .  Their  years  in  the  Commission  enough  to  give  them  enough  of  a  common  ground.     ❝ Not  the  worst  apocalypse  partner  to  have,  now  this  I  am  going  to  make  into  a  T-shirt  and  make  both  of  us  wear. ❞  Because  it  was  true .  As  ironic  as  it  was,  Lila  matched  the  role  as well ;  her  presence  the  only  thing  keeping  him  sane ,  anchored .  The  memories  of  his  own  Apocalypse  only  growing  wilder  as  days  passed,  after  all   -  trauma  still  vivid  the  moment  the  realization  they  were  trapped  felt  a  little  bit  too  intense .

At  his  question ,  a  shake  of  the  head  was  offered.  ❝ No,  it  doesn’t. ❞  There  was  no  way  he  was  not  exploiting  her  defeat  in  the  fullest  - for  oh ,  he  knew  it  well.  The  moment  he  got  in  a  losing  position,  she  was  going  to  be  merciless.  Corner  of  the  lips  stretched upwards  upon  the  other’s  revelation .   ❝ Really ? ❞  He  asked  -  and  yet,  he  could  for  some  reason  imagine  her  doing  so.  Maybe  it  ran  in  the  family ;  having  a  chaotic  childhood,  a  tad  bit  too  rebellious  too.    ❝ Next  time  we’re  playing  truth  or  dare,  I  am  making  you  shave  your  head  by  the  way.  Even  better  if  it’s  right  before  you  see  my  brother  again . ❞  For  wouldn’t  that  be  a  hilarious  sight  to  witness ?

There  was  no  way  that  she  would  ever  convince  him  that  the  fake  moustache  had  been  a  bad  decision.  It’d  tricked  almost  everyone ,  allowed  him  into  places  that  he’d  have  not  accessed  otherwise .  And  quite  honestly ?  It  hadn’t  looked  that  horrible  either .  ❝ I’d  say  you’re  simply  being  jealous.  But  don’t  worry,  I  will  buy  you  one  if  you  want  it  so  bad. ❞  He  teased .  Still,  it  was  now  coming  to  the  time  that  concentration  was  needed  -  well,  luck  mostly .  Luck  that  he’d  ran  out  of  quite  visible,  for  in  response  to  Lila’s  rock ,  he’d  gone  for  pencil  - a  silly  option  indeed.   ❝ Shit . ❞  Was  the  only  word  to  escape  his  lips.

A  secret  that  none  was  aware  of .  He  could  share  countless  honestly .  Having  spent  forty  five  years  in  solitude,  enough  to  give  him  experiences  for  a  dozen  of  lifetimes.   Still,  choosing  one  worthy  of  sharing  was  a  different  thing  entirely.  And  so,  to  his  own  surprise,  the  experience  didn’t  source  from  his  Apocalypse  years  -  more  like  the  much  nearer  ones .  ❝ Back  in  2019  I  tried  to  purchase  a  bottle  of  vodka.  And  do  you  know  what  the  cashier  did ?  Laugh  and  gave  me  candies  instead.  Cartoon-shaped  candies. ❞  And  oh,  how  much  he’d  wanted  to  commit  murder  during  that  moment. 

Rock ,  paper ,  scissors .  Now  paper  chosen.

[crypticjackal13]

Hello can I request Mentor! Nezha x student! Reader?

Where Nezha is reader's mentor but reader tends to push themselves a bit too hard

(Platonic)

Oh fun!! Dude nothing hits like a mentor with a burnt out student where the mentor has to actually keep an eye on things

"Blooming" (670 w.c)

Mentor!Nezha x Student!GN!Reader

PLATONIC Oneshot

CW: burnout, Nezha is disappointed

“No, you were too slow. Try again.”

You panted as you put your hands on your knees, looking at the weapon you’d dropped on the ground when he disarmed you. You were putting all your energy into this, and even though he wasn’t even using his powers, he was still much stronger than you. You’d been training under Nezha for weeks now. Shouldn’t you be more ahead?

Nonetheless, you picked up your spear, going back to the edge of the circle you two trained in. You got into the starting position just as he did.

“Ready?”

“Ready.”

He rushed at you, letting himself go into the loose defense so you could try to implement the move he was teaching you that day. A sweep of the legs that, if done correctly, would end with the handle of your spear across his shoulders to pin him down. But against the type of plans he had for you to go by, you had spent a few hours last night trying to exercise a little more than you were meant to. And by the gods, you were exhausted. And now you were pinned, too, and you didn’t even remember what happened while you were thinking.

“Okay, we’re done.” He frowned at you, taking your weapon. You didn’t even try to stop him. But this wasn’t how lessons usually ended—he would normally help you up and have you explain what led to the outcome of the fight.

“What? Did I do badly?” You scrambled to get up and follow him to the small building near his home that served as a home gym. He didn’t slow down his pace, his hands were balled into fists.

“It didn’t even feel like you were trying, y/n. Do you have something going on that’s making it harder for you to fight?” His disappointment hurt more than your muscles at the moment. You hung your head.

“I’m sorry. I’m really trying, I swear.” You explained, holding your hands in your pockets. He turned to face you in the doorway of the gym. His arms were folded across his chest as if he were upset, but his eyes were concerned and searching your face for something. You looked at him. He wouldn’t stop teaching you, would he? You’d worked so hard, you couldn’t just stop now!

“You’re not giving me 100 because you haven’t got 100 to give,” He sighed, dropping any anger he might have been holding. “Y/n, have you been doing more work than I’ve told you to do?”

“I mean, I’ve been doing some more night exercises, but no more than a few hours—“

“Hours? Y/n, I set guidelines for you because it’s meant to be completely adapted to your schedule and difficulty level. Doing more than that for the sake of getting ahead isn’t helping, it’s hurting.”

Nezha led you to the center of the yard, where he had you sit with him on the grass. He was across from you and could tell you were trying to directly mirror his pose. Always needing to do it like him.

“I don’t understand. Isn’t it good if I just want to be better?” You asked quietly. He took a few breaths, with you in tow.

“Getting better takes time and proper pacing. Jumping ahead because you think you can handle it isn’t always bad, but in your case, it’s burning you out. We’re putting a hold on your fighting, right now we just need to readjust your pace.” He explained to you. You listened to every word, internally cursing yourself for thinking you’d be able to just sneak this past him. Your intentions were good, it was just…too much.

“You’re a good kid, y/n. Just slow down and wait for me, alright?” Nezha ruffled your hair.

“So you’ll still teach me?”

“Of course I will. You’re my favorite student.”

“I thought I was your only student!”

“You are, you are!”

You two laughed and then settled into a quiet bit of meditation.