#and you can see how the war and their poverty is affecting them

[rivangel]

PLEASE write about Levi’s mental state, i’m begging you

He’s faced death and precarious situations since he was born, yet he’s still standing strong and hopeful, WHAT THE HELL I LOVE MY SHORT KING

IT'S FINALLY HERE😭im sorry anon i hope you're around to see this and if u are i hope i dont disappoint

the tone in this analysis is so weird because i kept getting caught between 'this is an apa paper no contractions, academic language, double spacing -' and 'this is a tumblr post about a fictional blorbo wtf r u on'

i also use some scientific language i try my best to explain but if this turns anyone off i don't blame them because im unhealthily obsessed

*i'm a third-year undergraduate psychology student w/ a concentration in psychopathology

tw/cw: discussion of childhood exposure to sex (not assault)

Foreword

I’ve been putting this off for a while (I’m forgetful and this topic is intimidating what can I say), but being a year out from graduating with my bachelor’s to become a mental health professional, and being a Levi scholar(/hj), I wanted to give this a shot. 

I wanted to dissect and examine Levi Ackerman’s mental health “currently” (as in general canon), and explain as thoroughly but as simply as possible how and why he thinks and acts the way he does.

Seeing how AOT is pretty renowned for leaving out the ‘insignificant’ details, especially character details, a good majority of my assertions and even details of his life are built off of correlations and “signs and symptoms”; meaning some things could be an aspect of Levi’s personality, or a symptom of psychopathology. 

 I will examine his childhood (especially his childhood), adolescence, young adulthood, and “present” adulthood, with a short summary at the end of where he might be mentally after the war.

*Lastly, I don’t like it when things I say about a series or character are taken as fact or make it implied that someone else’s thoughts are “wrong”. This is partly built on headcanons anyway, which are influenced by my own experiences. Don’t take away from this that this is me telling you what to think.*

Childhood

The most important period of development occurs in infancy and childhood, especially from the ages of 3-6. This is when a child learns where to find security, love, and basic skills, gaining stability as they develop.

Well, Kuchel died when Levi was 4.

Maternal Love / Learning Empathy / Anxious Attachment Style

Levi was born into deep poverty within a violent unwelcoming environment. Basic physical needs must have been very hard to meet (i.e., consistently fed enough, a clean environment, no physical threats). And where Levi was born is like the dictionary definition of a bad environment for a small child, excluding only his mother’s care and love.

As it’s generally understood in canon (and suggested from Levi’s special backstory manga so far) she was a caring parental figure early in Levi’s life that loved him unconditionally. We can conclude that Kuchel did everything within her power to compensate for both parenting Levi alone and shielding him the best she could from his horrible surroundings, teaching the kindness, goodness, and love that Levi would internalize and go on to strive for for his entire life. 

As far as we know, no other children lived in the brothel. Socialization is just as important for a young child as receiving love. With this isolation, it’s extremely difficult to learn how to connect to other people, or pick up on social cues. Levi would’ve never learned how to interact properly with his peers—aside from use of aggression and violence which Kenny would go on to instill in him.

With the danger/anxiety imposed by strangers, mostly if not entirely men, he would turn to his mother for comfort all. The. Time. 

And she would give him that support and affection of course. This early motherly affection is integral to child development: a child who receives empathy and affection is subliminally taught how to feel and express empathy towards others. 

While Levi’s surroundings were dangerous, lonely, and chaotic—traumatizing enough for a toddler or young child—Kuchel provided a safety net from that, so I think that Levi developed an anxious attachment as a child: exhibiting clinginess, excessive fear of abandonment, and an excessive need for security and/or reassurance.

Paternal Trauma / Potential Androphobia

Born and living in a brothel, we can assume that Levi was probably seen as a burden and a mistake by others, especially by men (both the likely majority of her customers and her boss).

AOT ch69; Before the Fall, ch34

This is likely in contrast to the women (those living and working in the brothel like Kuchel). They should know Kuchel if not as friends, then acquaintances who could empathize for her and her son. 

There’s an obvious trend here. If Levi is going to feel fear/danger/anxiety because of men, he should have a general aversion to men and-or the behavior of men who he encountered as a child. This is impossible to know for sure or in meaningful detail, but it seemed to be resolved by the time he became an adult if so.

Although Kenny in his words was no more than Levi's teacher, Levi did see him as a father figure.

The subject of Kenny will be expanded on later, but it's clear Kenny in no way resembled a father, who also would go on to abandon Levi (at the age of 11 or so). Children without father figures tend to struggle more emotionally, psychologically, and socially. Specifically, (especially boys) tend to exhibit intimidating/aggressive personas to compensate for resentment, fear, and unhappiness. 

Sexual Trauma (Tangent, Probably)

This is unconfirmed but a likely trauma Levi went through: exposure to sex as a child. There’s no way to confirm what he experienced, so I’ll function on ‘probably’s’ and ‘most likely’s’. 

Because Levi and Kuchel only lived in one room, other rooms in the brothel should have belonged to other women, and he was at the oldest four, I wager that he was babysat by women who Kuchel knew and/or was made to hide somewhere while she worked, such as in a cabinet.

(for reference)

AOT ch69

The odds are high that he was exposed to the aftermath of sexual violence (i.e., marks seen on his mother), and the sound or smells that have to do with it. That young, he wouldn’t know what it was, but he should have realized later as an adolescent.

In general, children regardless of gender exposed to sexual content usually experience early puberty (which is just as likely for impoverished children, or children who experience chronic high-stress in general); issues with intimacy; become desensitized to high-risk behavior; negative/inaccurate expectations about sex and relationships in the future; influence inappropriate behavior with other children or adults; sex addiction.

This is especially relevant to Levi’s fear of closeness/intimacy in the future. Exposure to sexual situations—possibly not including CSA in his case—very early in life inflicts on a child emotions and stress they don’t have the intellect or reasoning to process or understand. An extreme aversion to interpersonal relationships, especially physical ones, results.

This stress Levi must have felt, being powerless to this happening to his mother, is a different beast. Children aren’t capable of handling high levels of stress, and so the brain will automatically create coping mechanisms: dissociation (a severe form of “zoning out”; observing the self “from the third person”; numbness; the feeling of living in a dream), excessive daydreaming/overactive imagination, symptoms of PTSD (nightmares and terrors; flashbacks; spontaneous activation of fight-flight-freeze associated with anxiety; excessive worrying/fear; loneliness/self isolation). PTSD will also be prevalent in Levi’s later life, which I’ll delve into later.

Inappropriate behavior and sex addiction are also highlights for me because they shouldn’t exist in him based on Levi's personality and behavior throughout the series. In my opinion, Levi ought to associate sex with pain, shame, and violence; he does see it as an ordinary job—a means to an end. He should be desensitized to sex as a concept, but associates it personally with shame, sadness, and pain, possibly feeling disgust towards it. So it is highly likely that Levi in every stage of life following this experienced sexual repulsion (usually associated with high anxiety towards sex), a low libido, or a lack of sexual desire entirely. 

From a trauma perspective, he could avoid sexual topics of conversation, sexual settings (i.e., brothels), or an array of things which are sexually suggestive or he as a child possibly associated with sex (i.e., cleavage, panties, specific touch). Similarly, he might avoid direct reminders or have a post-traumatic reaction to them, such as anxiety or flashbacks (i.e., the sound of a bed creaking, the sight of wet clothes).

Importantly, it can be concluded that sexual violence was often exhibited, and the idea would be ingrained in him that sex, like everything else besides his relationship with his mother, is “give-and-take”, “victim-and-attacker”, and learn to be repulsed by intimacy. This impacts his willingness for later friendships and relationships as we’ll see later. 

Early Abandonment & Early Exposure to Death

As Kuchel’s health deteriorated, Levi’s sense of security would break down. Availability of shelter, food, and emotional support would be even less secure than before. He might have been providing for Kuchel for some time, even, as it can be gathered that he received little to no help from those around him while she was sick. To whatever length he had to take responsibility and both fear for Kuchel, this would cement a sense of responsibility and guilt in him from the age of just four years old.

He will fail to save her—regardless of the fact that that’s not his responsibility in the first place; a child wouldn’t understand that—and then lose her with nothing he could do to even cushion the blow.

How powerless he must’ve felt. How hopeless. How likely is it that Levi found comfort in joining her? A child his age wouldn’t be able to comprehend death, basing our understanding on Piaget’s theory of cognitive development. To summarize, at the age of six or seven, children aren’t capable of complex, abstract thought like death or the finality of it. But Levi had to learn early. 

AOT ch69

This will be center in his “clean-freak” tendencies later.

Adolescence

Most of this section is going to be rather vague again, but we already got the bulk of that over with in childhood!

Emotional Train Wreck / Lack of Identity 

It’s hard to notice if you’re not paying attention, but in every scene we’re shown with Levi after his mother dies but before Kenny leaves, he’s wearing some variation of his mother’s one dress styled into a shirt. He loves her endlessly, even or especially in death. And part of cherishing her memory, to him, should’ve been taking after her as much as he could.

That’s how to explain why he didn’t become a cruel person (Kenny for instance) as he grew into a teenager, even though much of Levi’s outlook and behaviors come from him (ch57).

The more pertinent question is how extreme violence, reinforcement of the idea that that violence is power, and Kenny’s total (or most likely total) lack of communicated emotional connection affected him.

Levi would still desperately want that connection deep down, especially with his mother gone. This is a major reason why Levi sought to get stronger to please Kenny. For chronically abandoned people, that continues into adulthood and even beyond. A hole inside which can't be filled.

AOT ch69

Chronic loneliness—like I explained before—basically explains his aloof nature and awkward disposition. It’s not that Levi feels as detached as he looks, but he doesn’t know how to express himself or open up. He wouldn’t learn how to process his emotions, let alone talk about them. He’s basically emotionally stunted and immature in impersonal relationships (between friends and especially in regards to intimacy).

The Underground’s environment also makes him socially awkward, rude, of course stoic/not very expressive, and blunt. Levi was forced to become extremely observant of people to suss out their intentions, remaining vigilant of his surroundings at all times.

Levi doesn’t even get affection in any sense anymore. He doesn’t get a hug or a pat on the back, and he certainly doesn’t get a shoulder to cry on.

If anything, Kenny would punish him for showing weakness. Vulnerability is weakness; weakness is death.

What results is a continuous and boundless sense of emptiness inside that can’t be filled. He’s plagued by a chronic sense of unbelonging and loneliness. There’s no time or opportunity to develop “normally” as an adolescent. Socialization is limited at best; thinking of his place in the world is irrelevant when his one and only most pressing goal is survival; he doesn’t get to explore hobbies or interests.

OCD Propensity

One “interest” Levi is passionate about is cleaning, at least. Disease is what caused his mother to die. The easiest cause to point to would be their disgusting surroundings (although, Kuchel was infected by a customer). It is canon that Levi’s love of cleaning comes from "his personal experiences". In that interview, Levi first specifically references the important of fighting disease.

In other words, his "clean freak" nature comes, primarily, from the death of his mother: Filth -> disease -> death, and abandonment by extension.

His mother would’ve encouraged him to keep their room clean. There were times he or she had to have come down with something and dirtiness was the cause. On top of Kenny’s enforcement to keep up “clean” appearances to garner respect from everyone else in the Underground. 

This in particular is extremely relevant to his mental health. When someone feels out of control of what is happening to them, especially in a recurring way, and especially as a child who doesn't yet know how to feel stable in an unstable environment, they look for something to control. It can be weight, bodily functions (blinking, breathing, etc), dominance over others, or cleaning, for instance.

Fear of disease, the urgent need to have control, and the basic need for stability makes it obvious that Levi would become obsessed with cleaning. And moreover, developing OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I’ll go deeper into this diagnosis later.

Lack of Self Worth

Despite the acknowledgment throughout canon that he trusts in his own strength, it wasn’t always that way.

Canonically, Levi sought praise from Kenny by showing his strength because that was the only thing he received praise for. The conclusion Levi came to once Kenny left him was that he wasn’t strong enough (wasn’t good enough) to warrant staying with him.

In conjunction, Levi’s first conclusion was that he did something wrong, not that Kenny possibly had some obligation that forced him to leave the Underground, pointing again to his own lack of self-worth.

This scenario created a complex in him, the very root cause of Levi’s pain, the very foundation of what Levi would go on to prioritize in adulthood. If he isn’t useful to those he wants not to abandon him, he’s worthless. He’s only useful when he shows his strength. Every other aspect of him like his interests is either irrelevant or bland by default in his eyes.

He would go on to make it his mission to try his best to be good enough in order to save and protect the lives of others, but foremost those he cares about.

Young Adulthood

Our first exposure to Levi as an adult is in A Choice with No Regrets, his OVA/backstory.

(By the way, I’ll be basing this analysis off a mix of the manga and the OVA.)

Emotional Immaturity/Affective Dysregulation

Generally, Levi’s defining negative character trait as a young adult is his emotional immaturity/anti-social behavior. Yes he’s grumpy and rude which is always indicative of him, but he’s very quick to anger, too. He cursed at the Squad Leader who offended him (by assuming that because he, Isabel, and Farlan are from the Underground, they’d be dirty), and argued furiously with Farlan that he would kill Erwin—not because it was required for the job, but because he disrespected him—for a few examples. 

ACWNR ch2

He tended to be arrogant, too. Such as when he ultimately called a Scout who had experience with the Titans stupid for telling Levi to hold his swords in a certain way. He spoke to every officer the same as he would anyone on the street, having a remarkable lack of basic respect for authority. He was insistent on distancing himself from the entire setting and structure of the Scouts as much as possible, both to not get attached, and he found their mission childish/foolish. 

He’s rather selfish. There is nothing Levi cares about genuinely more than Isabel’s and Farlan’s lives and the job that will set them up with a good future. Farlan’s advice is the only one’s he takes and the only judgment outside himself that he considers, such as when Farlan asks him to not cause trouble with authority to keep a low profile, but even then he acts stubborn. Levi trusts nobody wholeheartedly except himself (until later in ACWNR).

There’s a cognitive dissonance in him. Growing up, and still as a young adult, Levi’s headspace is marked by fear and uncertainty, with his power as his source of confidence. The first time he kills a Titan (with Isabel and Farlan), he uses too much gas because he refuses to potentially risk his friends’ lives; when the expedition is upcoming, he abruptly tells Farlan and Isabel to find a reason to stay back, and that he’ll complete the dangerous part of the job on his own. 

Levi is full of repressed fear and uncertainty. He hides and/or buries all of it for the sake of self-preservation both emotionally and physically.

Antisocial Personality…?

It’s extremely interesting how a character as selfless, heroic, and empathetic as Levi exhibits antisocial symptoms. I’d even argue that if his childhood was spent entirely without his mother figure, then he might be a dictionary definition of ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder).

People with this disorder live day-to-day under the constant assumption that whoever is around them is “out to get them”/searching for a weakness to exploit. Humanity is made up of only prey and predators; morals are completely subjective, perpetuated by the society that surrounds them. This constant need to defend oneself, the effect of the exact trauma the potential sociopath experienced, combined with a muted emotional spectrum, results in a complete disregard of everything, including people outside of themself. They might believe they’re entitled to comfort or admiration, but overall, they’re intensely self-serving, often aggressive, and ruthless. 

Because Levi for instance learned to rely on violence both for “love” and survival, then he might fall on violence to manipulate a person or situation into serving himself. I see reason to believe that Levi could have grown into worse than Kenny’s image if it weren’t for his mother’s influence.

However, the greatest cause for deniability is Levi’s wide emotional spectrum (especially including empathy and shame), while a lack of shame is the most significant marker of ASPD . (It is arguably one of many testaments to his strength that a victim of so much suffering, violence, and cruelty could become a man as empathetic as him.) 

However, these tendencies may still be relevant: A sense of arrogance—both to the way Levi thinks of some who he perceives as weak and live without good morals—lacking issue with using deceit or violence to attain a goal, and living outside the rule of authority.

I go into more detail about this idea here.

Conclusion

As is true in general, there’s very little to say of mental development once someone has reached their early–mid-twenties. What we know of Levi’s young adulthood does reinforce his fear of abandonment, but he finds a cause where his strength and compassion can be “put to good use” and give to him a life that is worth living.

Conclusion: the ‘Present’/Diagnoses Overview

C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Levi’s emotional dysregulation (i.e., inability to sit with and process negative emotions), his difficulties in relationships, insomnia, negative worldview, absent sense of self, and finally, his persistent sense of unworthiness/worthlessness are all indicative of C-PTSD. It’s distinct from PTSD in that he didn’t endure one short-term traumatizing event, but he grew up surrounded by trauma and saw it as normal (e.g., gang violence, extreme poverty, death of a parent, (more presumably) physically and emotionally abusive parental figure). Levi as a child developed no understanding of a nurturing, secure environment. 

Negative/Absent Sense of Self

I’ve talked about this at length already, but it’s worth noting how Levi’s perception of himself must have changed when it was revealed that he is extremely strong physically not from his own efforts as much, but because he’s an Ackerman. 

His self-confidence and self-worth have always been built on the foundation of his strength. He’s useful if he’s strong, so he’s worthy if he’s strong. Along with the extreme high pressure his goal to kill Zeke put on him in season four, he might have gone to extreme measures to compensate for his strength he might have felt was “unearned” (such as excessive exercise for example). This is an aside, but it was a blow to him for sure.

Emotional Dysregulation

The causes of emotional dysregulation generally which he experienced are as follows: early childhood trauma, feelings ignored, judged, or invalidated at a young age, and physical and emotional child neglect. Beyond his first four years of life with his mother, Levi experienced all these things (early exposure to sex and likely exposure to domestic violence aside). 

It’s important to focus on emotional neglect specifically, when any and all perceived “weakness”, no matter how small, is unacceptable to Levi. He will never ask for help (being independent to a fault), he can’t define or process his emotions, and it doesn’t occur to him—and it could be a shock—when he learns that his friends care about him, not him insofar as how useful he is. 

As an adult, Levi appears to be emotionally mature, but I argue that this isn’t the case. It’s more accurate to say that he has better control over his emotions (in that he buries them or ignores them) with a mature outlook because of all his experiences with suffering.

Similarly, he’s not outwardly emotional not because he’s antisocial (as related to ASPD, not introversion), but because he’s so “emotionally constipated” that he’s numbed the vast majority of the time.

Relationship Issues + Fear of Abandonment

Because of his fear of abandonment and impaired emotional intelligence in close relational conflict, he’s extremely passive and/or passive aggressive. In order to avoid potential abandonment, he doesn’t go out of his way to win major arguments—such as threatening to break Erwin’s legs if he didn’t stay away from the expedition in season three, but ultimately giving in. He’s also more likely to sneak petty insults into arguments, give “silent treatment”, slam doors, etc. His kindness and exceptional empathy shouldn’t let him be physically or overly violent.

These are likely additions to why Levi doesn’t foster many close relationships.

Fittingly, as a child I thought that Levi might have had an anxious attachment style (clingy, excessive need for security), but as this possibility for security was removed entirely, and he was taught to not rely on others, he would develop more of an overt avoidant attachment in adulthood in combination (fearful-avoidant): making very few emotional demands—even though he has needs—withdrawing when there’s conflict, acting aloof yet fearing abandonment, having difficulty expressing emotions he feels intensely, and fear of depending on someone else.

Anxiety

His cool-headedness even in the heat of battle/war (other factors like experience aside) is exactly what you would expect from someone diagnosed with C-PTSD; he’s accustomed to chronic high-stress. But small stressors (i.e., a change of plans) are overwhelming and make him quick to anger/excessive annoyance.

OCD

Emotional dysregulation is also closely associated with OCD.

OCD is much much more than being concerned with keeping clean or organized. OCD is an anxiety disorder composed of anxiety-related obsessions and compulsions, such as frequent and disturbing thoughts or images (intrusive thoughts). These attempt to be managed through rituals (i.e., handwashing, counting in patterns). Although symptoms will fluctuate with anxiety, OCD at its baseline is a distressing disorder.

Since he was young, Levi should have had an incessant need to be in control at all times. A shining example of this is his mother’s death, an incident he couldn’t control but included dirtiness/disease as a cause he could pinpoint, so this anxiety with dirtiness becomes a major obsession, and the compulsion is cleaning. (Putting aside the fact that Levi enjoys cleaning by itself too.)

It’s a widely-held belief that if Levi has OCD, it’s contamination OCD, as it specifically has to do with an obsession with dirtiness and a compulsion in cleaning (i.e., damaging handwashing, ritualized bathing that may take hours). However, based on the multitude of times Levi was covered in blood and remained unbothered by it (Titan and human), and in fact the obsession’s lack of relevance entirely during urgent missions/situations, contamination OCD is simply not plausible. Instead, it’s general OCD.

There’s no way to know for sure, but I don’t see his OCD as mild or severe. Levi is an extremely orderly and balanced person, so it can be concluded he must have things done a certain way, routinely, organizational, or planned; when the dirtiness is “negative” (i.e., Titan blood, blood on a knife he used to kill Isabel’s attackers), he is never more rigid with cleanliness; it’s probable he suffers intrusive thoughts (likely of the violent nature), a fear of contamination, and/or counting ritualistically, but the most obvious compulsion is cleaning. He might have sensory issues, such as disgust if he happens to brush shoulders with a stranger; aversion to particularly bright lights, irrational rage towards “mouth sounds” (i.e., chewing, coughing, swallowing), etc.

EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified)

Levi should have a complicated relationship with food to say the least. 

In the realm of eating disorders, EDNOS is sort of a catch-all term when an individual doesn’t qualify for the diagnostic criteria of anorexia or bulimia, and it encompasses lesser-known eating disorders like Pica. It’s the most common diagnosis for clinical eating disorders.

I already covered how integral the early years of life are, and beginning at a young age, if children aren’t given a basic need like food, and they must seek out food on their own, it becomes an anxiety deeply rooted in the brain regardless of how well-fed they are when they’re older. There will always be an urge to have food available. Levi’s years in the Underground were spent either actively starving, or going about every single day having acquiring food as top priority. He was a young adult when he left, so it’s impossible to unlearn this (without extensive therapy, which Levi doesn’t seek). It’s similar to compulsions found in OCD: even though he logically knows that there will be a dinner after lunch, it’s impossible to put aside this worry. 

That may mean always having food stashed, eating too much—especially in his early years Aboveground when he’d eat as much food in a day than he’d eat in a week Underground— stealing food, or eating way too quickly (as someone who lived in a place where food was considered something of a luxury resource and threatened being stolen at any time).

The latter factor contributes to Levi’s suggested preference to only eat alone—joining the fact that Levi only eats with Erwin after expeditions. Eating in front of others should be considered a weakness to him.

As time passes with this easy access to food, combined with his extremely narrow sense of what makes him “good enough”, his relationship with eating may become toxic. Especially when the stakes of his worthiness are so high—literally life and death. He may think that he’s privileged to eat at all, and when he feels worthless, he restricts himself from that “privilege”. 

He may be so accustomed to the feeling of hunger, that it doesn’t immediately register with his mind when he is hungry.

Lastly, he may have a generally low appetite. This is often associated with depression, but depression is comorbid with C-PTSD.

Misc.

Some tangents/miscellaneous speculation about Levi’s psychology:

Queer?

Sexuality is formed and shifts due to a wide variety of factors, which most if not all are terribly understudied: genetics, hormones, and your environment/experiences. So again, my speculation.

With his fear of close relationships and negative experiences with sex, I think he should land somewhere on the queer spectrum, specifically under the asexual or aromantic umbrella (i.e., pansexuality/being panromantic (attraction to personality) and demisexuality/being demiromantic (attraction only to those he has an emotional connection to)).

MDD

The odds of Levi having MDD (major depressive disorder/clinical depression) are iffy. Most if not all of the symptoms are comorbid with childhood trauma and C-PTSD: Such as persistent apathy, guilt, and/or discontent; sleeping too much or too little; lack of energy; reduced or heightened appetite; irritability. 

Oftentimes, depression, C-/PTSD, and related mental illnesses cause unexplained physical pain, such as back pain and occasional tension headaches. “Stress hormones” like adrenaline are built-up in the body, and usually persist without physical therapy and-or medication (Disclaimer this mention is based on nothing more than Levi always standing with at least one hand on his hip).

Body Language

Similar can be said of his body language from a cognitive perspective. The vast majority of the time, Levi has himself closed-off in some way, usually by crossing his arms to protect his chest; a subconscious barrier between oneself and another person.

Also see this official art of Levi asleep.

Afterword

We’ve known it’s not just Levi’s physical strength and skill that makes him the strongest, right? It should take immense mental strength to make it day-by-day dealing with the trauma and issues that he does, but not only has he survived and continues to, but he lives heroically, selflessly, with the wellbeing of everyone around him as a top priority. He buries all of his pain by moving forward always and without exception regardless of how painful the present is. Living with “no regrets” should in mental respects be a guise for pushing his trauma down, too; there’s just no words that can properly do Levi’s resilience justice.

Part of me wants to go into detail about his later adulthood, but given how very little we know (right now), I think it’d be too speculative.

However, based on what we have seen at the ending of AOT, it’s comforting to know and plain to see that Levi wasn’t defeated when he “lost” the reason to be so strong, and even his strength itself; he didn’t lose his love for his friends nor of life. 

In middle age, based on Erikson’s psychosocial stages, the conflict that should enter Levi’s life is the idea of generativity versus stagnation. He seems satisfied with his life despite the negative effects of all he went through—grief, physical disability, inevitable mental scarring—and he’s still concerned with helping others, especially the younger generation in a world after the overwhelming devastation that was the Rumbling.

My speculated psychopathologies/diagnoses of Levi:

C-PTSD (insomnia prevalent)

OCD (contamination obsessions)

EDNOS

[writers-hes]

Eye of the Storm

SERIES SUMMARY: You always knew Tommy as the cheerful boy who took care of you. He always knew you as the smart girl that he visited by the docks. The daughter of a prostitute, the son of a deadbeat father; a soldier who protected his country; a whore who protected him; a gangster who controlled Brimingham; and now, a wife. War changes people, you just didn't realize that war could change you both. (angst, depictions of abuse, poverty, prostitution, canon-typical themes, death, war, time jumps)

Chapter summary: Everything unfolds and you were the eye of the storm.

PART 1 / PART 2 / PART 3

PROTECTION SERIES TAGLIST | PROTECTION MASTERLIST navigation

LONDON, 1919

Something clicked in Simon after Johnny’s funeral. He restricted you more than he did before. He was more forceful sometimes. You knew, because you braced yourself to face it everyday. 1…2…3…4…5… You had to count to ten every time he got mad. How many seconds will it take for him to lay his hand on you again? 

“From now on, you can’t come to the garden without asking for my permission.” When he saw your mouth open to protest, he added, “Don’t push it. You’re lucky I’m still allowing you to go.”

“O-of course, Simon,” you tearfully obliged. “I— “

“Tell me you love me.”

“I love you.”

“Good. Now, come here, darling. You know I can’t stand when you’re mad at me,” he coos and you oblige, finding yourself perched on his lap. You hated this; hated how he was treating you. Hated how his arms immediately wrapped around you. “I know that you’re mad at me,” he starts. “Especially with everything that’s been going on but I’m only worried that Tommy Shelby’s gonna take you.” 

“He’s not…you don’t have to worry about him, Simon,” you whispered. “I didn’t know that he was alive,”

“I know, I know,” he said. “But do you know where that puts me? You’ve been his friend since before the war and I’m not anything like him. It’s not you I don’t trust…it’s him. He’s a Birmingham rat with no respect. I want you safe. I want you here. If you behave yourself, then I’d slowly give you everything back. Hm?” he asked. 

You nodded, the small smile on your face could never convey how cold you felt.

Simon knows that what he’s doing is wrong but what else can be done? Tommy Shelby was back and there was no way he’s giving you up to some Birmingham gangster. It was just impossible to do so. It would hurt him and his ego. He’s never been declined of something before as an only child of two rich parents. If he’d be declined of your love and affection, he will burn the world and everything in it. You were the only thing he truly wanted and if it came to you, he’d do everything to never let you out of his grasp.

When he first seeked you out, you were eighteen. He was already enamoured, watching you from afar. You laughed with the girls and stayed with Big Johnny most nights. You were innocent, a fragile little thing that he wanted—needed. You listened to him and even treated him as a friend. It was different from how the girls treated him there. The girls would ask for gifts, and he bought them but you…you dressed up immediately after every visit. You’d smile at him before leaving, going to Johnny for your nightly lessons. He sometimes went to visit you just to talk. You were the most intelligent girl there and he always looked forward to seeing you again. If you slip away from his grasp, he wouldn’t know what to do. It’s why he bought you that house; why he gave you jewellery even before you were married. He wanted you to be reminded of him everywhere you went. It was dangerous dealing with your past—he knew that; but danger was something he’d walk on if it came to having you.  

“Darling, I was thinking…it’s been a while since we last went on a holiday. Do you want to go somewhere?” he asked. Reports of Tommy Shelby in London reached him. There was no way he’d let you meet again.

“Hm,” you hummed. “Can we go to New York?” you asked. “I’ve been wanting to go to Manhattan this time of year.”

“Yeah?” he asked. The farther you were from Tommy, the better. “Then, I’ll have things arranged and I’ll let you know, okay?” he kisses your temple as he passes by.

“Of course,” you replied. Your face seems so unreadable these days, but it always was. Can Tommy Shelby decipher the emotions written on your face or does he have to guess too? He knows that you were still keeping things away from him…knows that you’re not being fully honest with how you feel and who Tommy Shelby was in your life. He was fine not knowing as long as you were his. 

Irrevocably and utterly his. 

BIRMINGHAM, 1910

“You know, Tommy,” you said. “When I was young, my mother told me that there were other lands outside England…outside Birmingham that isn’t London,” you said. Your savings could take you to London, but you could never seem to find the time. Simon has been visiting you more and the owner of the brothel ordered you to always be available for him because of how much he spends on you.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you nodded. “I want to go to London at least once. Before I die, I want to go to London,” 

“I’ll take you to London,” he says, voice gruff from the cigarettes. “I’ll take you to London and I’ll take you to the whole world,” 

“You will?” you asked. You were always told by your customers that they’ll take you here and there…but with Tommy, you knew that what he was saying was true. He never liked to break his promises. “If you’ll take me there, I better save up money because there’s no way I’m letting you spend a fortune on me.”

“I’ll take you to New York, Paris, and all the major cities. We’ll see them for the first time together,” he promises.

“Together?”

“We’ll always be together, won’t we?”

“Of course, we will. Together,”

BIRMINGHAM, 1919

Grace has long been gone since Polly revealed the truth to her. Was it mad that Tommy didn’t feel any morsel of anything? He didn’t care if she betrayed him; didn’t care if she loved him…if anything, she was better off gone. It just…unsettled him. Was that the right word? He never liked Grace, but she was a good enough replacement for you in the meantime. She was good enough, but she wasn’t you, no matter how much Tommy forced himself to convince everyone that she was good enough. 

He didn’t even think of lighting a cigarette for her departure. These guns, Billy Kimber…his ambitions of wealth, power, and control were too consuming for him to think of anything else. Too consuming that he knew that all ambition all boiled down to you, that mansion, horses, and a garden. He looks at the toy horses you’ve given him as children. It’s been showing signs of wear; time has the power to tear the edges of something precious so easily. Tommy liked thumbing the wooden toy to keep him afloat sometimes. It reminded him of peace, of home, of you. 

“Tommy,” Polly called. Her conscience has been nagging her, steaming out of pores ever since Tommy showed her how much you meant to him. It was never easy remembering Tommy on the floor, so weak; so defeated. It was never easy to remember that she was the reason why Tommy was miserable. She took you away from him. She decided then, that she’d do everything in her power to help her grieving nephew. If your presence could show her any semblance of Tommy before the war, she’d take it. Maybe she should feel bad for burdening you with that weight on your shoulders, but she knew that you did it so naturally…so genuinely. She relieves herself of thinking that you and Tommy needed each other; so much so that the world she knows now will simply reintegrate. You were the glue that binds Tommy; the melted gold that holds the pieces back together. Without you, Tommy was broken—alone. She’d never want that for him. She’ll never want to see him like that again. 

NEW YORK, 1920

When you told Simon that you wanted to go to New York, you didn’t know that you’ll be staying there indefinitely. You just said that to appease him, really. He made sure that all of your belongings were kept and taken to America. What didn’t fit, you’d buy. He was more lenient here. He’d let you go, and he was back to the Simon you’ve always known. 

“You’ve been married for years,” his attorney’s wife recalls. “Where are the little Simons running around?”

“Oh-“ you looked at Simon to help you out, but he was too engrossed in his conversation with the lawyer to notice. “We’re still enjoying our marriage. Just the two of us,” you lied. “We like to travel and we’ll feel bad if we just…leave the child back home,”

“But you’re in New York,” she says, like it mattered. “Surely, you’ve been trying?”

“No, not really. Simon wants our child to be born in England.” you said.

“You’re not getting any younger, dear,” she says. “When I was around your age, I already had two children. I say, it’s better to start a family early,”

That night, when you were removing your jewellery, Simon laid his hand on your shoulder. He’s gentle in New York. Your shoulder used to feel heavy in London. He started kissing your neck and you allowed him.

“An heir wouldn’t be so bad,” he rasps, nibbling on your ear. “Maybe soon…I want to have you all to myself first. Don’t want you to love me any less because of a child,”

“I wouldn’t love you any less, Simon.” you smiled at him. You didn’t want to bear his heir but if he was convinced that you’ll love him less because of a child, you’ll string him along. 

“I know but then, you’d dote on him and be all…” he drones on, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. 

“It’s alright, I don’t need anyone else. It can just be the two of us forever.”

BIRMINGHAM, 1911

“Tommy!” you called, walking through the muddy soil of the stables that he worked in. He took care of horses sometimes, to earn some extra money. It paid well and he was surrounded with the calmness of the horses that he took care of. He vowed to have his own stables filled with his own horses in the future. Maybe it was pathetic but Tommy was envious seeing things that he wanted being taken advantage of. He knew how to take care of horses but he never owned them. His dreams were so close yet so far. He was brushing the coat of one of the horses when you came barrelling towards him.

“Tommy!” you called again. “I’m free now. Let’s go!”

“Wait, wait,” he laughs, making sure that the horse—he secretly named him Hayday because the horse had a coat in the color of hay. He only told you that though. “Alright, Hayday. Let’s get you back to your stable,” he tells the horse, petting its snout. You smiled at his softness, following them quietly. You let Tommy do his job maintaining Hayday for a while, smiling widely when you saw him coming towards you. He was rubbing his face with water to get rid of today. 

“I smell.” he frowned, looking through his ragged satchel for a towel or an extra shirt. “Let me just…” he says, taking the shirt from the bag and then giving the bag to you. He turns around to remove his dirty shirt, tucking it between his legs and then changing into the cleaner shirt. You watched the way his back muscles flexed—working as a mechanic and carrying whatever he does was paying off. The clean shirt clung onto his figure nicely…you looked away before he could catch you staring though. “Thanks for keeping my bag,” he says, taking his bag from you. He hangs it on his shoulder and then links his arm with yours. You couldn't see the smirk that played in his lips.  “Where are we going again?”

“Remember, I told you to come with me to the market to buy something?” you asked him. He nods, letting you lead the way to the market. “Well, I’m free now. Let’s go.”

Tommy tells you all about his day on the way to the market, not knowing anything of what you had planned. It was his birthday last month, but you weren’t able to save up enough money for his gift because of a repair in your home. You drag him all the way to where the more expensive shops were, Tommy’s brows furrowing. 

“Here,” you said, stopping at a jeweller. You take him inside and he lets you. 

“What are we doing here— “

“Look!” you said, pointing at the gold signet ring on display. You leave Tommy to go get the clerk. You’ve been paying for the ring for a year now; little by little until you were able to fully pay for it. It was a gift for Tommy’s 21st birthday. You were talking to the clerk for a pick up when Tommy walks to you. The clerk gives you the red velvet box and you turn to Tommy, a wide smile on your face. 

“Who is this for?” he asked, frowning. Was this for that Rich Bastard? “You know I can’t afford that,”

“But I can. It’s for you,” you told him softly. “Happy birthday. I’m sorry it was a month late,” You open the box for him. “Go on, wear it.”

“Y/N…love,”

“You have to accept it. I saved up for that, you know?” He takes the ring from the box and slides it on his ring finger. 

“Thank you…” he rasps, his throat closing up. “For this.”

“It’s okay, Tommy. I’d give you the world if I can but for now, a ring would suffice, don’t you think?”

-

You both settled at an empty grassland by the docks afterwards. Tommy couldn’t stop looking at his ring. 

“I still can’t believe you got me a ring,” he says, looking at you. “It must have cost you a fortune, eh?”

“It’s okay, Tommy. I want to give you something more for being a great friend to me.” you tell him. He nods at your words. Friends. Is that all he’ll ever be? 

“I got you this,” he says, showing you the simple, lone daisy that he picked on the way here. “I…” he says, tucking it behind your ear. I wish I could give you more. You stopped breathing, the proximity was too much to bear. You could see the blueness of his eyes, the freckles that kissed his nose and his cheeks. You could see every eyelash. It seemed like he didn’t mind it either. He was looking at you intently, trying to memorize every detail of your face. A face that could start a war, he was almost positive of it. You both unintentionally lean into each other, Tommy’s eyes flicking down to your lips, breath hitching. 

“Tommy!” you jump away from each other, looking away. Fuck. He sighs in annoyance, looking at one of the guys he knew from work. 

Maybe next time.

CAMDEN TOWN, 1921

“Put him down, Ollie!” he shouts. “Put him down, mate. He is only little.”

“You on your own?” He asked Tommy.

Tommy glances around. 

“Seems so,”

Alfie Solomons always liked to play the best games. He had wide shoulders that matched how dominant and domineering he seemed. He was unpredictable, abandoning all sorts of things just to make sure that in the end, he gets the best deal. Tommy wondered what kind of deal he could put up with the Jewish gangster to double cross Simon Coventry, his biggest payer.

“Well, you’re a brave lad, ain't you?” he asked. “Want to take a look around my bakery? We bake all sorts here, mate, yeah. Did you know we bake over 10,000 loaves a week? Can you believe it?” 

Tommy listens to him drone on about bread. He asked for brown bread and was served one. 

“Come look,” Alfie says, leading Tommy to his office. 

-

“Well, I’ve heard very bad, bad things about you Birmingham people. You’re gipsies, right? So what, do you live in a fucking tent or a caravan?”

“I came here to discuss business with you, Mr. Solomons.” Tommy coughs. 

“Well, rum is for fun and fucking. So, whiskey, now that is for business,” he says, putting his bottle of whiskey for Tommy Shelby.

“Let’s talk first, eh?” 

“Suit yourself,” Alfie shrugs. 

“Heard you were dealing with billionaires,” Tommy brought up, trying to gauge the situation. He was sitting right in front of Alfie’s desk, noticing the latter reach for the drawer in his right. 

“You heard correct. What about it?” he asked nonchalantly. 

“Simon Coventry.” Tommy said. “He pays well?”

“Very well, mate.” Alfie replied, sipping on his whiskey. “Seeked for our protection services, invested…paid to kill for him. Has a wife, you know? Have you heard about her?”

“No,” Tommy shrugged, his voice monotonous, eyes bored. Alfie licks his lips. 

“Never met her…lovely wife, they say, yeah. A very lovely wife…but this lovely wife of his needs to be guarded. Don’t believe in all that…I don’t do that to women, but this lovely wife of his is…huh, well, told me to kill anyone who comes near her, yeah? And guess what, mate? You’ve a big fucking bounty written on your fucking forehead,” Alfie revealed. “Now,” he pauses, leaning on the table. “What is this business you’re looking for?”

“We join forces,”

“Fuck off. No! Categorical. Fucking ridiculous,” he leans back, scoffing. Tommy leans forward, clasping his hand over the table. 

“Mr. Solomons. Your distillery provides one-tenth of your income. Protection is another ten percent and the rest; you make from the tracks.”

Alfie fumbles with the handle but Tommy speaks.

“I know you keep a gun in the drawer beside the whiskey. I know you offer a deal or death. I know what I’m saying makes you angry but I’m offering you a deal. People don’t trust your protection anymore. What makes you think that Simon Coventry will continue to trust you?” he asked. 

“Well, you shot Billy Kimber, right? You did, you fucking shot him. That’s you. You fucking betrayed him, mate. So, it’ll be appropriate to do what I’m thinking in my head to you right now.”

“I can offer you a hundred good men all with weapons and a new relationship with the police.” 

“Intelligence,” Alfie says. “Intelligence is a very valuable thing, ain’t it, my friend? And usually…it comes far too fucking late,” he reaches for the drawer on his left, pointing the gun at Tommy. He cocks the gun and Tommy sits there, unblinking. “Let’s say I shot you already, right? In the fucking face. And then the bullet goes bone, mush, bone, cabinet over there. Which is a shame.”

Tommy just sits there, his face devoid of any emotion. If he gets killed now, he doesn't care. He had no fear of death anymore.

“It’s fucking simple, mate,”

Blood trails down from Tommy’s nose and Alfie talks about some fucking cabinet behind him. He throws Tommy his handkerchief, but he doesn’t take it. Fucking cabinets and fucking asking him if Tommy wanted to go to Timbuktu. 

“I’m sorry, go on,” Alfie concedes after telling Tommy that he always thought he’d have a big gold ring on his finger. It was only a small signet ring that Tommy was unconsciously playing with under the table. “Tell us your plan.” 

NEW YORK, 1921

“I just got off the phone with the secretary. We’re invited to some Charity Gala in London that we have to go to,” Simon says. Simon says…seems like all you do is follow what Simon says. “You can stay here if you don’t want to go.”

“When is this?”

“In a week mostly,” he shrugged. “It would be great to have you there. It’s not grand or anything; it’s just a few of my partners having an event for some charity or foundation.”

“Oh,” you nodded. You wanted to be away from Simon, but you also wanted to go back to London. How were the Shelbys? How was Beth? “Yeah…yeah, I’ll go,”

“Perfect,” he says. “Your dress? You need a new one. I’ll arrange a trip for you with my assistant to help you look for what to wear. You have to be the most beautiful woman there. For reference, I prefer blue on you.”

“Okay, Simon. I’ll make sure to get a blue dress for you.” He smiles at you before turning the page on his newspaper. You were glad that things were back to how they were before Tommy arrived in Birmingham. You didn’t blame him—Tommy—Simon’s actions were your own fault. Who in the right mind would let their wife love another man? It’s not like Simon knew of your love but the fact that you hid who Tommy was from him still remains. Letting go of Tommy that night was…painful.

You couldn’t erase how crest-fallen he looked; that you were the cause for his anguish. He didn’t follow you; you told him not to. You didn’t want him to see you sit outside the Garrison with your head buried in your hands. You didn’t want him to see you howl in pain because you’ll never see him again. You didn’t want him to see how it hurt you to say goodbye to him.

You didn’t want him to see you but someone else did. 

BIRMINGHAM, 1919

“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”

You looked up from your cowering position, eyelashes clumped. 

“What are you doing here?”

“I just…I just left your brother,” you whispered, trying to even out the sob that threatens to get out of your body. Arthur frowns, crouching down in front of you.  He tries to remove your shaky hands only to be met with your bruising jaw. 

“Did Tommy— “

“No,” you shook your head. “He didn’t hit me.”

He nods. Arthur didn’t know who Tommy was these days. He’s closed off, aloof, cold, detached…he sometimes wonders if a time comes and he’ll just snap. Arthur’s coping mechanism was violence. He knows that he’s good…his hands or only bloody but Tommy…Tommy wasn’t good anymore. He felt conflicted; everyone seems to put all the burden on you to make Tommy come back…to make him good again. He heard Polly talk about it; how Tommy needed you…but if Tommy was the reason why you’re miserable, is he still worth coming back to?

“I told Tommy to never see me again,” you managed through your cries. “I feel…I feel so lost, Arthur. I didn’t want to do that—to say that to him when-when he’s here now but I have no other choice…he’ll get-he’ll—“

“What about you?” he asked, tracing big circles on your back.

“What do you mean?” you asked, hiccuping. 

“I mean…you talk about Tommy and-and making sure that we’re all doing great but what about you, eh?” There was a small frown on his face, it was so different from the ‘Mad Dog’ that people know him as. 

“I don’t need that,” you chuckled. “I’m married to-to—“

“Simon Coventry, I know. But who do you have other than him? I know you love Tommy—don’t even fucking deny it. It’s why you’re doing all these things, I know but Tommy has us; he has Birmingham, and you don’t,” he adds, tearing your heart into pieces. The realisation of isolation dawns on you and it is wicked; consuming your heart with grief because you had no one. Not Tommy. Not anymore. “You make sure that all of us are being taken care of…but no one’s taking care of you. This whole thing-this thing with Tommy, is it worth it if you can’t even come home to Simon because you’re fucking crying in front of The Garrison?”

“I don’t know what to do,” you shrugged. “I…I just can’t seem to stay away from you lot,”

“Oh, love,” he sighs. He’ll never tell anyone that he saw you crying in front of the Garrison. “Why did you marry him?”

“Because…I wasn’t sure if Tommy’s coming back,” you whispered softly. You wiped away the tears from your face, trying to regain composure. “I sent…sent letters but he never wrote back. When Simon proposed the idea of marriage and Tommy wasn’t-wasn’t writing to me, I just took the chance. It was a chance to get out of that fucking hellhole. Tommy hates me for it,” you whimpered. “I know he hates me for it because I always told him that I’ll wait but-but he didn’t write back. I didn’t wait for him.”

Arthur frowns, confused. 

“He wrote to you but you never wrote to him,” he said.

“What?” 

“He did, love. Wrote to you multiple times and-and he’d always be the first one to show up when there were letters from home. Always-always looking for your letter,” he reminisces. Deep in your heart, you knew that he was telling you the truth because there was some sort of empty longing that crossed his eyes. “He waited for your letters every day for four years.”

“Arthur…”

“I’m telling you the truth,” he says, looking at you more intently. “None of us knew you got married,” he added. 

“Arthur—“ You were heaving, this changes things. Your resentment towards Tommy was all in vain if he sent you letters but where were those letters? Where could they be? Seeing you in distress, Arthur flings his arm around your shoulder. “I hated him for it…I hated him for four years…” you weeped. “Arthur, how could I haveever hated him?” You felt like cold water was splashed on your face. Of course, Tommy would have never done that to you. But who did?

“It’s not your fault, love. It’s not your fault.”

-

LONDON, 1921

It’s been long since you last stepped foot in London. A year wasn’t a long time but a year teetering on the edge waiting for the next blow was a year too long. It’s not that you were expecting anything, but now that you’re in London…so close to Tommy, you know that everything will be different again. He’ll be forceful under the pretext of loving you, some bullshitt about it being for the better…you knew it was wrong. You knew that it wasn’t right. You hated your predicament, but you hated yourself more for never seeming to have the ability to hate him. 

You never questioned his love for you; you were sure about that but sometimes…you found yourself questioning if he loved you too much. You’ve never experienced love like that before. Too much love. Growing up, you always had just enough. What you couldn’t find from your mum, you found in Johnny. What you couldn’t find in your customers, you found in the Shelbys. What you couldn’t find from yourself, you found in Tommy. What you couldn’t find in Tommy, you tried to look for in Simon. 

Everything was just right. To have too much was too much. 

“You’ve been quiet since we got here, darling,” Simon says, his hand on your knee as you rode the Bentley back home. 

“Sorry,” you smiled up at him. “I just miss London. It’s different to be back home,”

“I know,” he says. “But we’re here now. Where do you prefer?”

“What do you mean?” you asked, playing with his fingers. You thumbed the rings on his fingers, your wedding band the most important one. 

“I’m asking…where do you want to build our family?” he asked. “I know I said that I didn’t want to have children yet but we aren’t getting any younger. We’d make the most beautiful children. They’ll get your beauty and intelligence. They’ll inherit whatever they want to inherit from me,”

Your fingers stilled. 

“Hmm,” you pretended to think, trying to playt the cards right. “I’d want our children to grow up in London.”

“Yeah?” he asked, his head falling on your shoulder.

“Yeah,” you nod. “I want them to grow up here but also experience different things from travelling. Maybe we could find a summer house in Italy?” you asked. He kisses your neck and you sit there cold, unmoving. 

“Yes, let’s buy a house in Italy…” he murmurs, drunk on your scent. “How many houses do you want, hm? Let’s buy whatever my wife wants…whatever she needs, hm?” 

“You spoil me too much, Simon,” you force out a giggle. He doesn’t seem to mind. 

“Only for the best. You’re going to be the mother of my children,” 

-

You arrived home and you heaved a sigh. You went inside your bedroom, ready to unpack some of the items you bought from New York when your eyes landed on the frame of pressed flowers that Tommy gave you on your birthday. Simon has been telling you to get rid of it—it was tacky, he said but you told him that the flowers were from a day of picnicking with your mother when you were a child. You felt your lips twitch at the memory of Tommy giving it to you sheepishly. If only you could have him back now. If only he’s there with you. 

You breathed deeply, trying to purge yourself of the sadness that lingered. It’s been two years since you’ve last seen him. He’s staying true to his word, you knew. He’s protecting you and you’re protecting him. You hated the situation you were in. Why did you need protection in the first place? You were the wife of one of the wealthiest men in the whole world. You could have everything you’ve ever wanted handed to you on a silver platter. You could have everything but why do you feel so alone? Why do you feel like there’s still something missing? Why do you feel like, no matter what you did—no matter how you tried, Tommy’s still the one you love? You reached for the pendant but you remembered that it wasn’t there.

Was it selfish to wish for him to never marry someone else? To never love anyone? Was it selfish to wish for him to finally love you the way you do all these years? 

Or was he only protecting you because he’s bound by his words and not the feeling of unbridled love that he has for you? 

Polly told you that you could have everything…you felt like you had nothing. 

You had more when you were working as a prostitute. 

Now, you just have Simon. 

-

Simon has been feeling your detachment ever since you arrived in New York. He knew that it was his fault; laying his hand on you like that but could anyone really blame him? You were his love; the object of all of his desires. You needed protecting, you needed safety and you needed him to give you the world. 

He was in his office, sorting through the files that he left for a year. He picks up the telephone and dials a number. He wanted you all for himself. He was hungry for you; hunger for your affection, your flesh, your gaze. He’ll do everything to preserve the attention that you were giving him but now that he feels you slipping away, he’s becoming more desperate. It was all Tommy Shelby’s fault and he needed to be dealt with. 

“I sent you the money for the murder of Johnny Wilson,” he speaks into the telephone. “I need you to do gsomething for me again.”

“Hm?” 

Simon speaks into the phone authoritatively. Details of his plan were spoken. He was meticulous and specific with what he wanted.

“Even…even the children?”

“Even the children,” he confirms. He senses the hesitation of the speaker from the other side. “If you do it in less than a year, I’ll add another twenty thousand to the total. I’ll make sure you never have to work a day in your fucking life. Call me when it’s done,” he spits, ending the call and looking at a photo of you on the table; not knowing that on the other side, an intruder was hearing everything that just transpired. 

Who was Simon Coventry? 

-

Cameras flashed as you enter the venue for the charity ball. You were dressed in a blue gown like promised. Simon’s hand was on your waist, smiling tightly at the cameras. He always hated the attention of the media and in your own way, you wanted to calm him down. You touch the hand that was on your waist to remind him that you were there. You smile at him softly and he smiles back. If only he was as soft as he presents himself to be in the media. 

He leads you into the venue without so much a glance offered to the media and you follow. 

“Thank you.”

“It’s nothing,” you smiled up at him. 

“You can go ahead and sit,” he says. “I’ll just be greeting some of my partners.” You nod and you allow him to kiss you on the cheek before you part ways. You didn’t know why—but you felt like something was wrong. Something was going to happen tonight. 

A waiter comes to your table and offers you a drink. He was young—probably way younger than you.

“Champagne, please,” you told him. “You’re too young to be working,”

“I-I’m nineteen, ma’am,” he tells you while pouring you a glass.

“Ah, maybe not that young then,” you replied. “Is this your first day?”

“Yes, ma’am. My first day on the job,” he says. “I’m quite nervous to be surrounded by the rich but I need the money…”

“I’m sure you’ll do well,” you replied, offering him a friendly smile. “Here,” you said, opening your clutch and handing him a few pounds. “Think of it as a tip for serving me champagne and for talking to me.”

“This is too much, ma’am,” he refuses but you shove the notes in his hand. You remembered how tips from the brothel helped you so much; it allowed you to buy necessities. It allowed you to get Tommy the signet ring that you got him for his 21st birthday. You were busy talking to the young man that you didn’t notice your husband walking towards you with a scowl on his face. 

“Hey, you,” he sarcastically greets the server, snapping his fingers rudely.. “Refill my glass,”

“Simon— “

“Thank you,” he says, disregarding you completely. The boy turns to leave but Simon stops him. “No, stay. I need you to refill my fucking drink every time.”

“Simon—“

“You think my wife is beautiful?” he asked. The boy looks at you and you attempt to shake your head; telling him to walk away before anything else happens. “I’d be offended if you told me that she wasn’t.”

“Simon— “

He takes a swig of his drink before extending the same empty glass.

“What’s your name?” Simon asked, watching the boy shakily refill the champagne flute. “Don’t spill anything on my wife,” he threatens darkly. The boy swallows. 

“William, sir,”

“William…do you think my wife is pretty?” he asked again. You look around the room to see that everyone was trying to discreetly watch the commotion. You tried standing up but Simon pushed you back down.

“Y-yes, sir,”

Simon nods, pleased with William’s answer.

“You may go, William,” you calmly told him.

“You may not,” Simon says. William’s feet were stuck planted on the ground. He was shaking and you tried to plead with Simon, but he wasn’t looking at you. “Actually, let’s take this outside, hm? Everyone seems to be enjoying this fucking commotion. Come with us, Y/N,”

“Simon, please,”

“Come on, darling,” he says, pulling you away forcefully from the table. You stumble after him, heart racing wildly inside your chest. Fuck. Your shoulders were shaking as you tried to catch your breath. Fuck, fuck, fuck. The three of you arrive in the wine cellar, an empty room where you were sure no one heard you. 

“Stand there,” Simon says. “Y/N, stay beside me.”

William stands in front of Simon, his steps hesitant.

“I’ll give you a deal, William. Do you want a thousand pounds? You’ll never find that anywhere else,” he taunts. You shake your head discreetly, but William wasn't looking at you. He was pale, his breathing shallow. “I’ll give it to you right now. Cash,”

“Y-yes, sir,” he replies. 

“Say please,”

“Simon—“

“Shut up! Shut up!”

“Please, sir,”

“Kneel and beg.”

“Simon, it’s not right! Please, let’s just go home,” 

William kneels in front of Simon, and you could see the sinister smile that played on his lips. He fishes for something in his pocket—a gun. 

“S-sir,”

“You want a thousand pounds, yeah?” he asked, waving his gun in the air. 

“Simon—“

“I don’t want another word from you, Y/N. Or else, I swear, I will fucking shoot you.” he threatens. You were trying your best to stop being so hysterical but you couldn’t. You were sobbing, hands shaking when Simon pointed the gun at the poor boy. You tried to hold back the sobs that threatened to come out; tried to wonder what a monster Simon becamez

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” you choked, crouching down on the floor to comfort yourself. “I’m sorry, William…”

BANG! BANG!

The sounds of a gun going off rings inside the cellar and you flinch. Simon has just shot William twice; one on his stomach, one on his shoulder. It was sloppy; you knew he was aiming for his heart. William lays on the floor with a pool of his own blood, crying in pain. Simon just walks towards him, throwing him a thousand pounds and then spitting on William’s face. 

“Don’t ever look at my fucking wife again. Fix yourself Y/N. We’re going back to the party,”

“Simon, he’s just a kid! Get him to a fucking hospital!”

“I said, fix yourself!” he roared, and you closed your mouth. You stepped away from him, afraid of what he might do.

“Now you know what happens if you ever try to leave me. It’s time for me to show you what I will do to protect you, okay darling?” he asked, crouching down to your level and pulling you in an embrace. He kisses your temples to comfort you for the damage that he has done. “Don’t ever leave me,”

The two of you left William’s body and went back to the party. You were shaken, aloof the whole night. You couldn’t believe what just transpired. Simon’s cruelty—his disregard for himan life for a thousand pounds… You were trying to catch the attention of other servers but were ignored. You just wanted someone to check on William, that poor boy. You and your husband continued to sit beside each other acting like the happy couple, never noticing the pair of blue eyes that seemed to pierce straight into you. 

-

Simon killed Johnny. 

Your hands shook as you read the handwriting on the crumpled piece of paper over and over again. You found it in the clutch that you left in your seat when Simon shot William in the cellar. Turning the paper over, you sobbed; unable to control the emotions that begged for your attention—anger, fear, disgust, sadness…everything seemed to crash into you. You run towards the bathroom to vomit on the toilet. Your whole body tembled, and you cradled yourself on the bathroom floor. You didn’t care if the dress was wet and crumpled…how…why…what did you do in your past life to be punished like this? 

-

You haven’t been the same since you received that note. Simon found you in bed; unmoving and unresponsive. The shock must have been too much to bear but he had to show you—he had to put on a display of what he would do to keep you safe and away from the Shelbys. He didn’t regret anything except for the way your eyes glistened when he threatened to shoot you. That was a sin he’d pay for but for now, maybe silence is enough to soothe you. 

He lays in bed, an inch too far away from you and he couldn’t bear it. He could hear the way your sobs shook the bed; how hard you tried to keep yourself from being too loud. 

“Darling…” he coos but you only cried harder. 

“Not tonight, Simon. Please,” you whispered, desperation kicking in. “I’m…I’m— “

He nods to himself, a wounded puppy. 

“I have…I have to leave you tomorrow to meet with Alfie Solomons,” he tells you. “Use that time to go out or, or get out of this place. I wouldn’t mind if you went alone as long as you have at least one of Alfie’s men to guard you,” 

You wanted to laugh. He was holding your liberty as hostage; taunting you with it whenever he did something wrong but in reality, no matter how much freedom he grants you, his hand will always be on your neck to keep you from leaving. 

“I’m sorry for threatening you,”

“Not tonight, Simon,”

He nods but it actually angers him for you to refuse him so easily. He has given you anything and everything. Hell, he bought you that summer house in Italy already, but you still couldn’t give him the satisfaction of holding you for the night. Did Tommy Shelby hold you while you slept? Would you have let him?

-

You felt Simon kiss your head before he left. You couldn’t sleep last night, thinking of all the ways to tell Tommy or at least anyone about Simon’s plan. You weren’t sure if he was sincere when he told you that you can go out today but you were taking that chance. You knew that Arthur wanted you to protect yourself but maybe this could be the last time. Just this once and then, never again. 

You dressed up, the brown coat covering your figure and giving you shelter from the cruelty of the world that Simon built for the two of you. You ordered one of the servants to fetch you one of Solomons’ men that could drive. You needed to talk to Polly or anyone from Birmingham and the only way to do it was through the telephone. It was too dangerous at home; Simon had eyes and ears everywhere. 

“Mrs. Coventry,” the driver greets you, opening the door to let you in. You settle yourself inside, opening your clutch for a deal he couldn’t resist. 

“Other than driving me around, what else do you do?” you asked him. 

“I’m told to obey all of your orders as long as it complies with what Mr. Coventry asks us,” he replied. “Where are we going today, ma’am?” 

“Just…go to the city,” you replied. “Do you think…do you think you could do something for me? I’ll make sure you’re paid and that you won’t be blamed for anything that comes out of it,”

“Ma’am, I am under strict orders of Mr. Solomons to— “

“Five hundred pounds,” you interrupted, you needed him to understand the urgency of the situation. Your nail beds have bled through the night and were red and swollen. “I can give it to you in cash right now. Just tell me if you know where I could reach the Shelbys the fastest,” You sounded like Simon like now, but you didn’t care. You didn’t care anymore. 

“There…there are Blinders right outside a flat in London. Ada Shelby is rumoured to live there,” he says lowly. 

“Take me there. Make sure you’re discreet and make sure we’re not being followed. I’ll make sure that you’re safe,” you promised him. “Just…just go there as fast as you can,” 

It’s hard to be discreet when you’re driving one of the most expensive cars in the world, but he drove you to Ada Shelby’s house anyway. Five hundred pounds was more than what he could ever make working under Alfie Solomons. 

A storm was brewing, and you were at the centre of all of it. 

-

Ada lives in a building in the centre of London. On the way, your driver told you about how Tommy bought the whole building for her. You smiled softly; Tommy was finally realising his dreams, but he was realising them without you. 

You exited the car, covered from head to toe. You made sure no one recognized you; the lush, brown coat and your hat covered your face entirely. You told him to leave you alone and come back in three hours. He zoomed off, afraid to be seen by one of Simon’s men.

Your breathing was uneven and the steps that you took were shaky. You blamed it on the uneven ground. Knocking on the door, you prayed silently for Ada to hear you. The more time you spend outside, the higher the risk of being recognized. You waited with bated breath, but the door soon opened, revealing none other than the man who occupied every corner of your brain. You rushed inside before he could even speak and he let you, locking the door behind him as he followed you into the drawing room. He stands in front of you, removing the coat from your shoulders gently. You were shivering but not from the cold. How were you more beautiful than the last time he saw you?

“Tommy, Tommy, Tommy,” you said over and over again, like you were making sure that he was there. Your resolve was dissolving, and you were near hysterical. He crouches down in front of you to take a good look for your face. He missed it; he missed your touch…he missed you. His fingers on your waist seem to snap you back to reality and you take a deep breath. “Simon killed Johnny. He’s going to—he’s going to kill all of you,”

-

A/N: Thank you very much for making this far! We’re getting closer to the end of this series but please don’t forget to reblog and comment if you liked it / loved it / hated this chapter, etc! I love discussing and replying to your comments and reblogs.

ALSO: A quick character study on Simon is that he is filty rich. The value of money is immaterial to him. In his eyes, money is a way for him to get anything and everything he wants. It’s what makes people kill and die for each other. If it benefits him, then he’d gladly throw money at whatever it is about.

TAGLIST:  @shelbydelrey @runnning-outof-time @duckybird101 @thenattitude @swordofawriter @litteltourtius​ @trixie23​ @everythingelseisextra​ @majesticcmey @liveat1am @dumb-wh @denabp16 @yvonna-chan @goldensunflowe-r @therosabel @hunnibearrr @dazecrea @daddyslittleattentionwhore @the-girl-wh0-cries-w0lf @dang-shawty-okay @dasia21 @tsenthusiast1920 @aces-tattooartist @panda-luminary @ttaechi @spencerrxids @i-heart-food @fudge13 @affabletimelady @heartcereql @ce1iat @notalxx @1800-queen-trash @sweetwanderlust05 @globetrotter28 @thebestandworstdayofjune @reggxe-a @verreuckteli @vampireluck @zoexme

(I’ll be removing people from my taglist on the next chapter if conditions aren’t met! I’m sorry but that’s the rule….)

[griancraft]

I'm struggling to word this but I'm finally ready to talk about it and I want people to listen.

I've noticed a type of racism in leftist communities I don't see talked about a lot. I am Quarter Japanese and I am visibly mixed, but a lot of leftists see "quarter" and assume that I don't have the right to an opinion on issues that effect me. The sentiment I've gotten from mostly white leftists is that I'm not "POC enough" for a lot of discussions.

There's this weird thing in a lot of leftist spaces where your appearance and percentage, not your experiences based on your race, are considered above all.

Meanwhile, in reality, all aspects of my identity are affected by my race and my family's experience with Japanese internment. An event which stripped them of any wealth they had acquired since moving to Canada over 50 years before the war.

An event that cause the intermarriage rate of Japanese-canadians and white Canadians to be over 90 percent post internment because we viewed proximity to whiteness as safety. An event which left them in severe poverty until my dad and aunt worked their asses off to get a degree. The generational trauma goes so deep my dad didn't want me transitioning because he was worried about what the government would do to me.

Because of my race I experienced negligence from authority figures related to pretty severe racially based bullying at 12. That negligence could have killed me. I've had to deal with microaggressions and straight up racism related to my last name on multiple occasions.

One time I was out with a friend and he grabbed my arm tight and dragged me to walk faster. A man wearing a white lives matter T-shirt was standing in the middle of the path looking directly at me when I turned around.

I'm pretty sure this wasn't based on me being feminine and goth that day, I live in a city with a decent amount of people in alt subculture and my friend was way more gothed up and queer than me. I was barely passing as a guy at that point so it wasn't because I was a man in a dress. I know this is a weaker point, but it made me realize just how unsafe I am in my own community even though I'm a mixed person in a heavily multicultural city.

Obviously, this isn't on the scale of someone who is less white passing than me and/or has more compounding marginalizations. However I've found that the fact I'm mixed race has been used against me to devalue my experience and knowledge regarding what it's like to be a POC in Canada.

I can assure you I am aware of how bad it is, and I am aware of how good I have it. I also want you to be aware that it's not all sunshine rainbows and bunny farts to be more white, it doesn't make the racism go away. It often just makes it more covert and easy to explain away because I'm "not really Japanese"

[angels-are-sinning]

thoughts on how the riley family made simon instinctually latch onto soap.

something about how the generational gap is during simon and his own parents. i think his grandparents -- experienced the world war(s), of course, and from what i've seen from those parents and their children they aren't very affectionate.

they don't normally say "i love you" or display affection with hugs and kisses. maybe it's cultural differences or something. from what i see from that generation, they're more reserved and withdrawn. they leave their children to fend for themselves in a way. like if you think about those stories of immigrant parents and how they don't really say I love you but show their love in other ways. maybe not verbally but physically. in other means.

i suppose i think that way for simon's own parents too; when you read the comics, you don't see affection shared between his parents or himself, but he holds his mother in a high regard.

there's this wonderful headcanon that's about how "ghost doesn't say "I love you" a lot." and i agreed, since i think when he loves someone, he doesn't say he loves them more so than he shows he does care for them. acts of service and stuff. I attended a funeral of someone's mother, who lived through the great depression and second world war. her daughter talked about how her mother only hugged her once in her life, at least when she could remember -- and that was when she graduated medical school. i think maybe the riley family was like that too, even if simon's parents weren't conservative (they were shown to be previous punks Back in the day ((and punks were political)).) they still were Conservative in raising their children.

but to add to the angst, i don't think that simon handled it very well. i imagine him to be touch-starved, even if he doesn't like to say it or admit he needs the company or presence of other people to be around with, to feel safe. i think he was very quiet and shy when he was younger, keeping to himself more, and not one for social crowds and public events. keeping his distance. but i think a part of him longed for a family, a loving one, like the ones in the sitcoms with loud laughter and many jokes which were popular back when he was a teenager. i guess maybe that's why he was also drawn to the 141, seeing them as his family in a way, that he couldn't have, because his actual family and his parents were the type who .. Needed to be asked if you wanted any sort of affection with them. and i think simon's too embarrassed to ask.

to add to the angst: he knows his parents do love him. he's grateful. he has a house. and he has food and a good education and clothes. but he desperately craves love, warmth, attention, things that his parents did not/or could not provide for him. but even if they do love him, love is useless if it cannot be understood by the recipient. he feels guilty that he feels like this, that he needs More of what they've already provided for him.

bonus points if maybe his parents (or at least his mother) worked really hard out of destitute poverty and is stretched thin to give her children a comfortable life, but never really said anything about it.

(((i like the idea of his father was from some wealthier means, but was kind of shunned for marrying someone of a lower class and thus unable to inherit or was excluded from the high society his childhood offered Etcetera because of his "relations".

A marriage for love that was doomed to fail from the start. How his grandparents on "that" side of the family were right about his father.

Simon got hit with the double combo: working class background trauma (you hurt me so much but you broke your back working for me to have a good life) from his mum and the generational trauma (controlling rich parents) from his dad...

it also makes it easier for simon to instinctively care for his mother more than his father because his father Does have somewhere to go back to, if this family fails. he can easily rebuild with another woman and have other children with her. but maybe his mother has no one except this family.

so soap comes in. soap, gaz, price, the 141. somehow he feels at home with them, how they feel more like a family than the one he had. his house was relatively quiet. not many conversations shared during meals. some brotherly bonding, sure. but his father was usually absent (for work) and his mother was always busy, or very tired after work that she couldn't do anything else when she got home.

but the 141?

they were there for him. gaz was there by his side and elbowing him whenever soap made a joke. soap, the sunshine, always cheerful. price and his fatherly nature towards the 141, as if they were his children. his to nurture. his to protect. i think maybe that's also why ghost is more drawn to price than his actual biological father, because price Acts like an actual dad. deep down, he's been longing for this. touch starved. aching for some sort of warmth and affection, even if its just a shared look or a graze of the hand. he craves touch. he craves for attention, after being withheld from it for so long.

[innocentimouto]

Do you think the show/franchise should acknowledge that Jet Is one of Iroh’s victims?

Do you mean because the Rough Rhinos were under Iroh's command (or at least their leader was)?

At first I thought no, just because the show moved on from Iroh's flaws and never gave us anything in terms of his victims. I don't see them doing it, let alone doing it right. Also Jet would get even more hate.

But say they could do it right. Then yes, it would be incredible. Even if Jet still died, so long as it was made clear to characters like the Gaang or Zuko and Iroh that he was one of Iroh's victims, I would be happy.

Whatever opinions there are about Jet's actions in war, he did something. He was resourceful and strong; he could have fled somewhere else or survived on his own (however long that would last considering the war). But he chose to help others.

Iroh never did that. I don't think Iroh helped Zuko either, but say he did. One, that's not great when Zuko was invading Sokka and Katara's home or when capturing the avatar. Two, Iroh still never helped anyone in the war against the Fire Nation until the very end.

It makes sense for a character like Jet to be the one to hate Iroh and make it clear that just because the man is elderly and kind doesn't mean he didn't do horrible things in war and then became content with doing nothing to fix it.

It even fits within the storyline. They met on the way to BSS. Zuko's arc needs to go somewhere. Iroh's arc has been stagnant for a while. Jet's trauma hasn't been properly conveyed. Having Jet bring up what Iroh has done, in detail, possibly with victims from Iroh's siege against BSS, would be a great way to force Iroh to be confronted with his actions and forced to give his thoughts on it.

Does he care? Does he care beyond feeling remorse? Has he ever thought about helping people against the Fire Nation?

It also helps Zuko's arc. He's still on the Fire Nation's side, but he's seen the other nations are just regular people. Would having Iroh state whatever his views are on this affect Zuko? If Iroh just brushed it all away with a small shake of the head and some words about letting anger go, would that make Zuko uncomfortable? Because now he has faces to possible victims. And Jet is great with words and can definitely hurt people with them, so I doubt he would stay quiet at whatever Iroh would say.

Or would Zuko simply not care and side with Iroh because he's always known what Iroh had done? Zuko burned a village down himself. Only thing he's done lately is complain about poverty.

It could go either way for them, but I think things would be clear with the Gaang. If confronted with Jet's words, and neither Zuko nor Iroh care or offer much in return, I don't think the Gaang would be that receptive to accepting Zuko later.

The Gaang has never heard Zuko say the Fire Nation propaganda he was fed all his life. I doubt they would forget it if he somehow justified the Air Nomads being massacred. I doubt Sokka, Aang, or Katara would be okay if he justified waterbenders being killed.

Calling someone a peasant or trying to kill them is one thing, but hearing someone explain to you why your people were wiped out and that it was right is not something most people will forget.

(Also we can get development with Toph and her thoughts on the war. And Suki wouldn't get her words about her village being destroyed turned into a joke. Also Haru, because fellow earth kingdom kid who most likely heard terrifying tales of the Dragon of the West.)

And seeing their reactions---horror, grief, rage, pain---no matter how behind Zuko could be on his arc, that would stay with him. He's a teenager. He's hotheaded and selfish and entitled. But he's not a monster. He feels emotions. And while I disagree strongly that he had a good redemption arc, by BSS, he at least had some doubts about some things.

It's an established way to bring Iroh's character back to morally flawed, which is good. Too many things are canon for Iroh to be anything better than that. He learned firebending from the dragons, but still continued killing innocent people? He stood by while Zuko got burned? He let Ozai take the throne without ever challenging him despite being the rightful heir and supposedly realizing the war was wrong?

Iroh had the best chance to at least slow the Fire Nation before Aang appeared. The thing about Iroh is that he's always been content to sit back and not do anything. He wanted Zuko to make tea with him within the walls while the war was coming to a close and we're expected to believe he cares about the wellbeing of other nations? About the war itself? Iroh was one of the strongest firebenders in the world. He had a responsibility to at least atone for the deaths he caused, if not outright confront Ozai.

If you meant that Jet got brainwashed because of Iroh and then eventually killed?

I don't really blame Iroh for Jet's death. I strongly side-eye Iroh for acting completely innocent about what Jet was rightfully saying despite Iroh supposedly regretful for his actions in the war and yet not caring at all that he got an innocent kid arrested by police that everyone knew were capable of making people disappear.

[script-a-world]

Submitted via Google Form:

In the rural farming communities of my world, I'm thinking about a potential plot related reason that would cause it to culturally be common to have small familes of 1-3 children. But I've noticed that across the world such communities generally welcome a whole ton of children because they work on the farm. When I remove that part... how could it affect my farming community? Technologically, these communities hover between 19-20th century tech.

Tex: Less children dying from things like starvation, illness, and untreatable injuries, and also a whole lot of self-owned, effective, easy to repair machines that can do the work of several people in a fraction of the time. The nineteenth century, or 1800s, had a lot of social upheaval and the beginnings of scientific progress in understanding what diseases were (Wikipedia). The twentieth century, or 1900s, had an exponential increase in knowledge compared to the 1800s, as well as a corresponding population boom (Wikipedia). To wit, one billion overall population was recorded in 1800 (Wikipedia).

Compared to previous centuries, those two hundred years were the most advanced in human history in terms of medical development and accessibility to education. It was, also compared to previous centuries, some of the most polluted and war-riddled that lead to new methods for the stark impoverishment of the global population. Women being strongly encouraged through many means - many less acknowledging of individual freedoms than others - to bear as many children as possible over their lifetime is due to high child mortality rates, where playing the game of statistics meant that you would possibly get a handful of children reaching adulthood that could take over the family farm (or other estate or inheritances) and ostensibly take care of their parents when life has run them over roughshod too much to work anymore. The development of pensions has done much to alleviate that societal, generational woe, and shift the perception of children in their social role from live-in workers to additional members of one’s family. This is, of course, not a uniform movement, as poverty will perpetuate the ideas of large families and responsibilities for inheritance (and thus situations such as arranged marriages, etc), which is still ongoing today in many, many parts of the world regardless of a country’s GDP. For the time period of 1800-2000, farmers having 1-3 children depends entirely on how much money they already make, have inherited themselves, and how little they can spend on producing agricultural products. This will include such “cost-cutting” measures as:

the cheapest labor available (see: immigrants, or prison workers, as seasonal labor when slavery was given a different legal definition in countries like the U.S.),

chemical agriculture,

genetically modified crops,

vehicles such as tractors, and 

a lot of very good marketing

So, generally, the richer your family already was, the less you needed to have a dozen or two children born per generation to use as labor, because you could spend your plethora of money on new and cutting-edge technologies that would turn agriculture into a passive money-making business for you. This is the same for non-agricultural industries of the time, especially with the post-WWII price-fixing measures and before the introduction of modern credit cards, credit scores, etc, where money generally had more purchasing power and the average person had more disposable income that would have been otherwise allocated to things like food, medicine, replacing worn-out clothing/shoes, transportation costs, and putting a roof over one’s head.

Notably, after the mid-2000s, there has been a decrease in the average person’s disposable income, so what was true for 1800-2000 will not necessarily be broadly applicable after that period in time.

Utuabzu: One place you can look to for a real world example of this is France, which hit an average of approximately 3 children per woman in 1871, and had long had a lower birth rate than the rest of Europe. A major reason for this was the Salic inheritance system, which saw land divided equally among all sons. This was a serious disincentive for a family to have more than one son, since over time it resulted in farms that were divided into ever smaller and less viable plots. And since a daughter would require a dowry to be married, they weren’t much more desirable. So farmers in France had significant motivation to limit the number of children in their families - though as Tex mentions above, this was counterbalanced by the need to have spare kids to account for the relatively high childhood mortality rate. This resulted in the French population remaining essentially stable at around 20 million between the mid 15th (after it recovered from the Black Death) and mid 18th (when medicine started to be an actual science) Centuries, while the populations of other European regions expanded significantly.

So, it’s perfectly possible for a pre-modern largely rural society to have a low birth rate, so long as there are appropriate legal and technological conditions. Extra farm labour is great and all, but not worth it if the end result is the family being left destitute after the landholder’s death because the farm got divided into unviable fractions.

Licorice: families welcoming a whole lot of children might be overstating the case. Before reliable birth control, families endured a whole lot of children because there was no way to prevent them. It is pretty much universally true to say that wherever women have control over their own fertility, the birth rate goes down. Very few women actually want to give birth to eight or ten children over the course of their reproductive life, though there are always outliers, of course.

A woman’s control over her fertility is determined by two main factors

Access to reliable contraception

Her freedom to choose whether to use contraception

Some women may live in societies where they are allowed to make decisions about their own bodies, but don’t have access to the birth control they need; in other societies, the birth control may be available, but the woman may not be the one making the decision. 

In all societies throughout history means have been devised to deal with the arrival of children who were surplus to requirements. These included

Infanticide, whether state-endorsed (e.g. in ancient Sparta) or illegal (e.g. in 19th century Europe)

Adoption

Foundlings and foundling hospitals

Selling the child into slavery

Some societies historically have set such a high premium on male children that “excess” girl children would be routinely killed at birth. Even if allowed to live, if a food insecurity situation arose, the available food would go to the brothers and the sisters would be allowed to starve. In general, societies that set a high premium on male children are those where the girl children are “given away” to another family when they marry, while the boy children are expected to take care of their parents in their old age. 

Sparta is an interesting example of a patriarchal, militaristic society where it was easier for a girl child to survive than a boy child. Physically imperfect baby boys were killed, whereas physically imperfect girls were often allowed to live on the grounds that Sparta needed all the Spartan-breeding wombs it could muster.

Utuabzu has already spoken about the correlation between land available for farming and population levels. When a society over-produces children, and insufficient land is available on which these children can raise families of their own, their options included:

Migrate: the seemingly endless swathes of so-called “empty” land available in the West encouraged large families in 19th century USA. Greek cities in the 8th century sent their surplus population to establish colonies all around the Med and the Black Sea

Enter a religious order 

Move to the city and take up a trade or profession

Fraternal polyandry or “wife-sharing”

Join the army

Make war on neighbouring societies to acquire their land for your own group

Human societies seem to have perpetually poised between two equally perilous situations: having too many children, and not having enough. We have been equally ingenious in devising solutions!

[watermelinoe]

Can you share your thoughts on this common response to whether biphobia exists, that it isn’t ‘structural’? I.e. individuals might feel negatively about us, but that isn’t actually oppression, and the only actual oppression we experience is homophobia.

i don't see how it makes sense to describe our experience as homophobia when we aren't exclusively same-sex attracted. for me, it makes the most sense to describe oppression based on class, not perception. reading invisible women really cemented this idea for me, when she was describing how tools aren't designed for us, how medicine ignores our bodies, how car crashes are more deadly for us. when we're reminded of gender expectations, we perform worse. these things aren't based on someone perceiving us as female and reacting. this is woven into our world.

example: we can all agree that trans men who pass are still oppressed for being female, because oppression is class-based and not perception-based. our social class impacts how we interact with the world, and that's just as important as how the world perceives us. you wouldn't say that transwomen experience misogyny even in situations where they may pass as women, because they aren't female.

we navigate the world as bisexuals, not homosexuals. i've seen arguments that biphobia is a subset of homophobia, and i can rationalize that. but the exclusive same-sex attraction is an important difference, and our being attracted to both sexes isn't insignificant. people insist on dividing our sexuality into two parts, heterosexual and homosexual, but would you really argue that a bi woman who spends her whole life married to another woman without ever being with a man is "living as a lesbian?" just because she's seen as a lesbian? it just doesn't work like that. we don't shut off our bisexuality when it's "not in use" and live identical lives to whatever sexuality we "chose."

i'm not arguing that we experience biphobia AND homophobia, i'm saying that there's overlap - and other people can war over the exact borders if they want - but that there's more to oppression than how other individuals feel about us, situationally. when you look at studies on our quality of life, you can see higher instances of poverty, mental illness, substance abuse, and domestic violence. this is despite the fact that many bisexuals are in other-sex relationships. you could argue that it's homophobia, but i think it's important to distinguish between the experience of being exclusively same-sex attracted and being attracted to both sexes. the bisexual experience is a mixture of being same-sex attracted, but, importantly, being attracted to both sexes. that shapes how we experience the world. we internalize, the same way we internalize being female, and that affects our minds and our health and our overall quality of life (women have higher rates of depression and anxiety and chronic pain disorders and autoimmune disorders).

people think of oppression as someone saying slurs to you based on how you look to them and i think that makes it difficult to conceptualize it being any deeper than that, but our sense of self, as shaped by the world around us, has material consequences.

[dojae-huh]

I'm going to write a sad and serious post, so if you are still in the mood to celebrate NY, please skip it and read later.

Doyoung looked happy during the end of year concert, so, touch wood, he wasn't too affected by the MC scandal. I hope he learnt how to withstand and wait out personal attacks by now. He has been an idol for a long time, and had many a trouble.

I was a bit surprised that only 3 people unsubscribed from me in the past days. Either few subscribers read me regularly, or I successfully weed out the weak ones (I have a high subscribe/unsubscribe rate).

I'm not very eloquent with my words. I often come off too harsh and don't deliver my point of view well. I'm coming back to the topic of online virtue-signalling, "do good" pressure, witch-hunting of idols as I need to clarify a few points.

On the first glance it might seem like I'm behaving like a fan who protects one's bias. Actually, I would defend any idol who is accused of things he/she didn't do/that weren't proven. My opposition is to the mob, to the cancelling culture, to the people who use nice pretext to be awful humans. Their power is strong, they crush not only celebreties, but grind in the mix other fans as well. And I want more people to learn how to withstand this type of bullying into complience with the mob's POV.

The masses are often wrong. And a minority often looks like it represents the opinion of the majority, when in reality media and socmed algorythms just favour loud confrontational people and people who earn being "spokepersons". You don't have to pick a side if you don't want to. You don't need and you actually can't have an opinion on every subject. You can and should hear out people you disagree with or who has bad sides to them (like being a homophobe). A person possessing a bad character or view still stays a source of information you can learn from.

You will be pressured by "well-meaning" people into action "for the cause". Not just pressured - bullied. You won't be given a chance to question the cause, its revelance to you, whether there is a point to it, will the associated campaign bring any positive change really. Swear words, accusations of lacking morale, empathy, threats of being cancelled would be thrown at you if you won't comply. So the task is to learn to see through the wall of trigger words and mass histeria, to be able to ask questions and think and decide for oneself.

I didn't follow the Korean fans vs Indonesian fans fanwar. I don't know the specifics. Still, I can comment on absurdity of (some) Indonesians cancelling a Korean idol over a fastfood brand boycott that has little to do with their country. Indoneasia has an ongoing conflict of their own. Papua wants to become independent and is not allowed to. Killing or rebels - check. Denial of self-identification - check. Indonesians from other islands, other ethnicities, coming to the land and using its resources, starting to live there - check (Indonesia populates Papua with other peoples deliberetely, selling of mining and logging rights to foreign companies is rampant). When I went to YT to look for a video on the conflict, I came across the fact that Indonesia has a migrant issue as well. Rohingya refugees, a muslim minority fleeing Myanmar.

It is the truth that athrocities and injustice happen all over the world at the same time. And not only man-made conflicts. Poverty, ilnesses, nature destruction. People suffer and die constantly. People following online mobs that get into a frenzie after media shines light on a particular issue and bully everyone to do the same are hypocritical. The world is big, people in one part of the world deserve peace and to be preoccupied with their mandane lives, celebrate, even if something bad happens in another part of the world.

When Russia-Ukrainian war started I followed it closely. I listened to commentators from both sides and I was watching the videos from the battleground with burnt corpses in tanks, Ukranian drones releasing explosives on the heads of Russian soldiers, child graves dug on playgrounds, leveled to the ground cities (before and after airial photos), as well as humanitarian and volunteer campaigns, etc. I also read comments and observed the wave of hate Russians were getting online from "well-meaning" people. I was stripped off of the ability to use credit cards abroad, ability to enter several European countries, and other issues. It was a very unstable time when everyting changed every day, I was afraid to be locked in Russia like Soviet people were locked in USSR (it's a real concern among Russians, a new iron wall). Back then I constantly switched between reading about the war and writing silly stuff here on this blog. I didn't write about the war not only because I wanted a space to escape to, but also because it was a local problem. Yes, huge, and affecting the whole world (oil, gas, vegetable oil, wheat, more refugees, the disraption of the "peace" in Europe, etc), but still a conflict people in Indonesia, Thailand, India, South America and so on had the right to avert their eyes from.

Right before New Year Russia (nothing sacred for Putin) sent rockets to several large Ukranian cities. You can see Ukranian k-pop cover groups filming dance covers for YT and think that everyrhing has calmed down, that it's only soldiers who fight on the perifery. Well, no. And Ukraine also sent rockets into a Russian town. On both sides civillians died in the buildings during explosions.

Instead of a NY conglaturation, a political oppositioner on YT I watch released a video with information about a couple of people that died. Turned statistics into stories about individual human beings. You can watch it here, it has English subs. The author asked to forgive him for not being in a celebratory mood, so many commented how they too couldn't celebrate the holiday.

The attack angered me, but I didn't dwell on it. I personally did congratulate all my friends with positive words. And I celebrated. War or not war. I want to live. I want my friends to be successful next year despite actually not knowing their onlook on the conflict (I was hesitant to discuss with some). I don't want Putin and his desire to stay in power to ruin more lives than he already has and will continue to do. Certainly not mine. I have my lane, nature conservation. It is as important as other "fields to do good". And to have any positive impact on the world, firstly I need to stay sane and happy myself. And my friends need to stay sane because they will outlive the dictator and be the part of people who will push for democracy.

To sum it up. Don't fall to the mob's pressure on the internet and don't be quick to judge people, cancel them. Don't delegate thinking and decision making to others. Form your own informed opinions. And don't waste your time on trivial things. Fanwars online don't help anything and anyone. It's action in real life that matters. Even if all you do is being kind to your family and people around you, you still do more good than justice-warriers.

Be kind in 2024.

[divine-nonchalance]

∞

The 9D Arcturian Council, Channeled by Daniel Scranton

“Greetings. We are the Arcturian Council. We are pleased to connect with all of you.

We are a collective consciousness, just like you. You think of yourselves as individuals having your own thoughts, your own ideas, getting inspiration from within to do something or say something, or even to just think about something. But you are tapping in to the human collective consciousness more often than you think. 

We have told you this before, but we will tell you again now that your thoughts do not originate within your head. You receive them, just like you receive all energies, and when you start thinking about yourself as a part of a collective, you realize two things. Firstly, you can help the collective by what it is you put into that collective consciousness, and that requires no action whatsoever on your part. All you need to do is think a thought on purpose. Secondly, you are affected by the collective consciousness of which you are a part. Therefore, realize that what is going on within you may be due to the fact that you are picking up on something that is going on within your human collective and the consciousness you all share. 

Once you have these realizations and you start to live accordingly, your life will become easier and better because it will make more sense, and because you will understand that sometimes your role is just to work with the energies that are around. Now, what do we mean by ‘work with the energies’? If there is something going on with the collective consciousness, like for example, a pandemic, then you can ask yourself how you are being affected by it, by all of it, not just the part you are fixated on, and then you can ask yourself how you can help. And we are not talking about making videos and social media posts about your beliefs about the pandemic. We are talking about helping the collective consciousness, of which you are a part, to heal, to raise the level of consciousness, and to have more compassion for those who are suffering. 

Because regardless of what you may or may not believe about it, there is suffering that is going on, and you, being a part of a collective, are affected by that suffering. In a way, it is you that is doing the suffering. So you have to start by helping yourself to feel more stable, more peaceful, more at ease. You have to activate the vibration you want to see outside of you, and then you can start to think more in terms of how to be of service to this collective consciousness that you all share as human beings. And you can do this for every single issue facing humanity. There’s war, there’s poverty, there’s hunger, there’s violence amongst individuals. There’s all sorts of issues there on Earth that you are dealing with, and while they may not be happening in your home, or in your neighborhood, or even in your country, they are real, and they are a part of your assignment. 

What you can lend to humanity to increase the level of consciousness will always be something that you first tune in to yourself and then spread. So you can tune in to paranoia, to victimhood, to the feeling that you are being manipulated, oppressed, and all of that, or you can tune in to your power, the power that you have within you to transform yourself and to spread that energy of empowerment around to others, so that everyone in your collective can be at peace, at ease, and live lives joy, freedom, excitement and love. And when enough of you see that as your mission, then you can change so much without even leaving the room you’re sitting in right now.

We are the Arcturian Council, and we have enjoyed connecting with you.”

[ahiddenprophet]

A Prophecy

One day, there will come a human who will gather together the most influential and powerful people in the world, those most able to affect change. And they will create a new world.

They will not give up their power, not entirely, not all of them. Even in a world where we have eased suffering and provided health and housing to all, there is the desire for power. Your worst problem is your worst problem, after all.

But the rich and powerful will be in some form of agreement as to how the world ought to be, and decide to do something about it. They will have to be convinced: after all, although we want the world to be better, not enough of us believe that they can significantly make the world at large better. They will be shown that they have more power than they believe, as do all of us. Recognize that you, the person reading this, have the divine ability to change the world.

First, humanity needs to work together with everybody providing their unique perspective and sharing ideas and working out the kinks in issues, in order to solve all of the major problems of humanity (such as poverty, slavery, war, addiction, and senseless violence or unwelcome acts. Boxing and martial arts are still fun and healthy, as is fighting for what is right.

With all of humanity lifted up and working together, we will begin solving the other problems of humanity, such as general unhappiness, poor communication skills, feeling unfulfilled or unhappy with who you are.

We will enter a new renaissance of art, innovation, and peace. This will happen within the lifetime of some of us alive. With your help, more of us will be alive to see this great day.

The vast majority of crime and violence will end if we can provide a guaranteed healthy and safe life for everybody. Everybody deserves somewhere to live where they feel safe, and too many of us do not. We fix this.

From there, we fix the poisons and ailments that plague humanity. We find out what is necessary to make each individual live their best life, and fix this up for them.

Humanity then, with time, manages to balance it’s own providence with that of the rest of the natural world. The seas, animals, plants, and all other systems of life and earth will heal and they will thrive. And we will thrive.

We all win. Eat some lentils.

[mingos]

For the question about my character meme, how do you personally think Doffy felt about the situation when he was a child and St Homing decided to give up his status to live with the common folk. We saw how badly they were treated, but I'd like your opinion on how it personally affected Doffy, if you don't mind?

　oh, it psychologically fucked him up. no doubt. not even just the beatings & extreme poverty that would come later, i'm talking everything about that situation from start-to-finish. (before i start, just to be clear, this is not a 'uwu poor doffy uwu' analysis, this is a child psychology analysis.)

-

i know his shock & anger at the beginning before anything 'bad' happened was meant to illustrate "see, he's always been an evil little shit" but honestly, his base reaction is perfectly within the realms for a kid who has had his entire life & belief system essentially just upended. he wasn't an adult with a fully developed brain, he was a child with a child's brain. eight years old is actually around the time kids start thinking logically & understanding the world around them on a deeper level.

picture it: you're essentially one of the richest, most powerful children in the world, raised in an environment where you are deified & you can do no wrong, that everyone beneath you (humans) is less than dirt (whether that's right is not the point) and one day your dad is like... "hey, i want to be that". and you overhear your peers mocking your dad and essentially kicking you all out of your home and forcing you to move to an unfamiliar environment. like, moving schools as a child, but worse.

you've also been conditioned to think you are entitled to anything you want, and are allowed to be as nasty as you want to humans without consequence. but, suddenly, not only are they not serving you anymore... the moment you talk to these humans the way you have been conditioned by the adults in your life to talk to them when they 'disrespect' youーthey burn down your new house & start threatening to murder you. they are essentially in the position you used to be in now.

-

yeah sure "taste of your own medicine" and all thatーbut doflamingo is eight. he barely knows what that even means, at that age children are still learning basic concepts of morality & social norms, and at that point basically every social norm doflamingo has been conditioned into for those first eight years of his life were turned on their head & now all the sudden he was punished for believing them rather than praised. for the first time in his life, he's starving. for the first time in his life, he's been hit. he's poor. he's forced to wear rags. nothing he has been taught makes sense anymore.

also, at that age, your world tends to revolve around one thingーyour parents. they understand the roles of "child" and "adult" and understand that the adult's purpose is to give them guidance & protect them. homing, in doflamingo's eyes, did the opposite. he put them in harms’ way. another thing in his world that has been proven totally wrong.

-

child brains generally do not handle stress or trauma well; i forget the exact wording or study so don't quote me, but i've read articles over the years that make the argument that children who grow up in violent home environments (like witnessing/being subjected to domestic violence) or split home environments (like parents undergoing a messy divorce) essentially can have levels of ptsd equivalent to war veterans.

(on a personal note) as a very ill child who spent my first 12 years in & out of hospitals, i have medical ptsd; just hearing a heart rate monitor, seeing a needle, or smelling that very specific 'hospital' or 'anesthesia' smell is enough to give me a panic attack sometimes, even at 27.

that kind of trauma really does stick with youーeverything goes back to your childhood.

　taking his power back was, in part, to ensure that nothing close to that ever happens to him again.

[mchiti]

a few things:

thank you for the reassurance and perspective on the support hakim gets in morocco 😭 it made me happy and also it makes me happy to see him having a great time there right now

did you notice how the bulk of the players saudi have gone after are muslim...i don't know if i'm reading too much into this but i suspect that they are targeting these players and trying to shill the "we're a muslim country don't you want to play in a muslim country and help develop it blah blah" thing. Which, if true, makes me very annoyed because a lot of the things they do are very unislamic lol. like spending the first ten days of dhul-hijjah (literally the most sacred days in the entire year) doing shady deals with the shadiest club in the premier league

that racist white girl in footyblr who made the sabiri/ghazali post a while ago made another post basically saying that hell isn't hot enough for the players going to play in saudi because they are funding the yemeni war and famine 💀💀 i wish white people would stick to talking about what they understand

hii anon!! Ohh really, no need to thank me. ♡♡ You can't imagine after world cup 2018, I was in Fez/Tanja (Tangier) and then we went down to our usual trips as usual (Marrakech, Casa etc) and all I could see was his shirt everywhere. And my cousins were telling me all the time of the amount of craziness around him growing even more and more (also 2018 was our first world cup in 20 years can you imagine loool. And he played a big part in that qualification. Now we're here but look what we were even 5 years ago...and what we were when he joined back then...yeah anyway). Like, look at him now when Morocco train, he's always subjected to a lot of media attention etc. Moroccans love him, don't worry about a few of them on twitter. YEAH I love to see him there. I always think how he didn't get to go until he was in his teen years which is so so so sad, a lot of maghrebis can't afford trips to visit more often and it's heartbreaking.) ... to see him in Morocco is. Special. ♡♡ To see so many of them home!!!! Either Marrakech or around in their places of origin, I was watching Sabiri's latest ig stories and mashallah. It makes me so emotional. As if they kinda decided to be there at the same time. 😭I miss it so much i can't wait to be back inchallah.

I'll put the rest under shortcut

yeah the narrative of muslim players x a muslim country it does seem to me like being part of a developing plan. At this rate I wouldn't be surprised if Saudi will truly be competitive in a few years time, now we're joking about it but - it seems way different than MLS now or what China tried to do years ago. You know, I do have conflicting thoughts about it- bc on one hand I agree with you, it is upsetting given the high percentage of poverty in Saudi. A country with so much money and so much power in the hands of a few oligarchs... of course leaning on those players' religion seems like a big fallacy. But then again, you have the same oligarchs in the US, in England, in China, in Russia (and nobody gave a shit about it before the war) in the very heart of Europe... also billionaires, rich, powerful, investors in every major top league. And so you do wonder if somehow we're also being affected by the same double standards. When Arab people tell you: after everything Europe has done, it's our turn, why are we the only ones subjected to your moral standards? - When you put it that way, can you blame them? As a Muslim you get upset because again, I totally understand your feelings and they are also mine. But I also wonder about these stuff, you know

WHICH WELL I guess it also applies to this white girl on tumblr (not kidding I tried to find their blog bc I was so curious fodjsha) are we have to blame players for going Saudi? What about players who are paid by Saudis in Europe? Bohely's bought part of Strasbourg - what about players payed by americans in Europe? Arsenal is owned by an american who both financed trump and israel - are we have to blame arsenal players too? These double standards are just....unreal to me really. It's so easy to blame one part of the world and dismiss what happens in the heart of your own continent or your own part of the world. White privilege as its finest.

Players ain't to blame. You can question their decisions and whatever but they are just players in this system - lots of them grew up poor and weren't born into the massive privilege these multi billionaires were born into. And i'm sure they are gonna love putting all the blame to Muslim players for going Saudi - what can you do, shit white people do.

thank u for writing to me anon! sorry for the long reply ghgh

[saltysaltdog]

Trauma pairing: the stonewall vs the chase.

(Yes this is another tfp Megatron & Optimus thing, but with a little bit of ratchet on the side this time. let's move on.)

So stonewalling is mostly unintentional, it's: going quiet, avoiding eye contact, being emotionally unresponsive and avoidant, and just generally not participating socially. It's caused by being overwhelmed and withdrawing due to conflict or emotions themselves. The most common example is with children when they get embarrassed or are in trouble.

And tfp Optimus does this all the time. There's a very limited window where he can express himself or his own feelings, and he really hates conflict. It's a coping mechanism.

It's not a manipulation tactic, such as the silent treatment which is intended to reject or punish someone, but it can be perceived that way. Optimus is actually pretty careful with leading his team to not fall into silent treatment, but it's still something his team has just gotten used to, leaving newcomers, like Jack, to flounder with until someone else comes to explain it.

"Um, Optimus. Want to see something funny?"

"No."

There's probably a lot of reasons why Optimus is this way, war aside, it's likely been his coping mechanism for a while, since in the Orion pax episode he buries himself in work first, then processes his feelings and thinks later. In the book Exodus, Orion goes to see Alpha trion a lot as his mentor. There's not a lot of emotional support between the two, and Alpha Trion greets him by asking why he's disturbing his work. He sees no problem showing Orion the immediate aftermath of a murder or dozen, and later directly tells him he's being too emotional.

In the titan comics, actions done based on emotion, such as not shooting an enemy in the back while they are only trying to rescue their comrades, get him reprimanded and a hearing called.

So Optimus retreats into his own head to be the voice of reason and not experience how things might be affecting him. He represses everything.

The few times he does emote in tfp are completely one sided, screaming after the loss of the omega keys, and winking at the camera after demonstrating the power of the Star Sabre.

In rescue bots he does show fleeting glimpses of a desire to socialise and get along with others. "What's shakin bacon?" "Nothing much, double-dutch." But that's interspersed with a complete inability to handle those emotions to the point he can't bring himself to answer their phone calls.

*Meanwhile*

This antagonises Megatron who works as the chase, pushing to try and get a response, be it an emotional outburst or not. Sudden silence can definitely feel intentional and Megatron has always had an issue with thinking Optimus doesn't react with enough sympathy or empathy to the lower castes. Optimus also had the habit of falling silent when he was disagreeing or overwhelmed by a conversation, leaving Megatron to explain a concept until Orion "understood" it. As Megatron becomes less of a mentor he doubs Orion because he doesn't really express his own thoughts, leaving Megatron to challenge and push him until Orion admits to having opinions of his own.

This sets off Megatron's tendencies to be hypervigilent and read into everything, making him very defensive until Orion finally says something.

This need to read emotions and react according to them is a defense mechanism. Kaon is full of poverty; leading to criminal activity, drug use, and exploitation. Megatron has lived a life where reading the mood of someone is a key element to survival, either from bosses, "friends", roomates, or strangers. If everybody is quiet and tense, you better figure out why before you step on the landmine. Nobody is beyond suspicion and everyone is out for themselves.

He manages this tendency enough to trust Orion until the council meeting. Then as Orion expresses himself Megatron realises that his image of Orion doesn't match reality, and that Orion had been (through omission) "lying" to him the entire time.

Thus it cements Megatron's need to push Optimus until he gets an emotional response, because that's the only thing he can trust in, his own ability to read people. The less Optimus emotes, the more danger he poses. Megatron is full of contempt towards him but also anxiety.

Ratchet is also a bit of a chase, but instead of anger, Ratchet is left with worry, unsure how to help and potentially full of guilt. Very rarely does this bubble to the surface and cause conflict. Because Optimus doesn't share his thought process Ratchet is left frustrated and finally snaps at Optimus in Thirst. Ratchet does the most in cleaning up after Optimus's emotional misteps, and is the one who least wants to rock the boat. He understands the need to wait for a response, but still finds those responses unsatisfying because they lack any emotional comfort.

This worry and guilt is easy prey for Megatron, who can provide the emotional comfort Ratchet seeks, not offering any reason to trust him because there is no way to create that feeling, but instead relying on the hope, joy, and potential relief a repaired cybertron- and thus working to make the cybermatter to do so- could bring. But as both are emotional reaction seeking creatures, they understand the uncertainty in the situation and read the mistrust plain as day. As they don't see trust in the other person, they themselves are unable to trust.

[cascadianights]

People are always like "but you shouldn't need it to be you/your daughter/your wife" or "you shouldn't need some metaphor to understand" or "why are we watering this down for people" - Listen:

If I've learned anything by the (weak, watered down, unfocused) leftist reaction to the current attempted genocide of trans people, it is that very few people will act or put themselves in danger unless it DIRECTLY affects them. ESPECIALLY other minorities who are not multiply marginalized (w the understanding that can bring) but Do have a lot to lose.

That's not true for every person! Some people have a basic understanding of empathy and compassion. Some people have higher level critical thinking skills or kindness. But I hate to break it to you - all of those things (empathy compassion critical thinking even kindness) are SKILLS. They are not a given. They are rarely honed by accident. They are difficult and many times come at a cost to you to learn and practice.

People may not have these skills for a MILLION reasons, but many of them are linked to poverty and generational trauma, lack of funded public education, and living in a dystopian capitalistic society that prioritizes individualism and leaves barely any time or energy for thinking through complex ideologies unless you MAKE that time. None of those reasons are "they're just too dumb" or "they only have the capability for hate and evil."

There are people doing very bad, purposefully malicious, monstrous things - and they are still people. If we lose sight of that we lose sight of the lengths of dangers and kindness capable of EACH of us. Beyond those with real harmful intent, there are MANY MANY MANY more people who are letting themselves accept the wrong solutions to the same problems we all see. For example, many of them genuinely want to protect children! And they listened to the answers for how to do so given to them by church and state and friends.

THOSE are the people we need to make metaphors for, we need to connect with individually, we need to show how and why this will impact THEIR lives. In a perfect world where the entire American society wasn't run on "us v them" that wouldn't be necessary!!! But it is! Because they want to protect the people IN THEIR LIVES right now, not a theoretical kid somewhere else they can't imagine being anything like their own. They want to put food on the table and a roof above the heads of their family, and they have grasped onto ANYTHING that they think will let them keep providing that.

We need to show these people how easily their child could be the center of these debates. How limited a world their child will grow up in without access to information on different ways of being and existing. We need to show them how and why this will impact them, their daughters, their wives, because we need to break through that concrete wall of defensiveness, built and calcified by the words of politicians and leaders with malicious intent but hiding nothing but desperate fear. We need to make it personal, to make it real FOR THEM, to make it understandable without a college level degree of critical thinking analysis why and how this war will show up at their doorsteps too.

It's exhausting. It's hard!!! It's infuriating and invalidating and endless. But appealing to their humanity, in whatever means that must take, is the only way to thaw out those who may stand with us. Because if we stand alone, I know with every bone in my body we will fall alone as well.

[mariamsayeddd]

Mariam Sayed

900211473

JRMC 2230

Assignment 1

Khalik Allah is an American photographer and filmmaker, born and raised in New York City. He primarily shoots portrait and documentary style photographs. His photos aim to highlight and shed light on underprivileged New Yorkers, whose lives are tainted by crime, poverty, drug use, and other obstacles. Below are a few of his photographs that showcase these topics. 

Difficult Schools- 125th & Lexington, Khalik Allah

Another Dawn- 125th & Lexington, Khalik Allah

While his photographs may be a bit jarring at times, as they do exhibit “taboo” topics, I think that exhibiting or shedding light on drug use and creating a sense of sympathy within the viewers. As previously mentioned, Khalik Allah primarily photographs rougher areas that are heavily affected by drugs and crime. In my opinion, his photography manages to bring understanding and humanize his subjects very well. The images convey a sense of loneliness and sympathy within the viewer, as opposed to feeling hostile or disgusted by the subjects. Helping these communities wouldn’t be possible if people didn’t feel sympathetic towards them, so I think Khalik’s photography may have indirectly led to some change within these communities. 

Khalik Allah states that his mission is to “extend the light into people’s lives”. In other words, he wants his photography to change the lives of the people he photographs. This raises the question, can photography actually change any of these people’s lives? According to Michelle Bogre, professor of photography at Parsons University, photography can be used as a  medium of activism (Bogre 14). Photography can be used to shed light on social injustices, and spread awareness surrounding the subjects being photographed. This parallels what Khalik said in the documentary, regarding how photography has the power to “make knowledge born”, as photography has the power to educate people on issues that aren’t necessarily relevant to them,  I think that this works well when photographers photograph areas of society that aren’t talked about enough, such as underprivileged areas. People tend to shy away from these realities and pretend like they don’t exist, but it’s hard to pretend something doesn’t exist when you see it right in front of you. 

Photography also helps us contextualize issues that are half-way across the world (Carey). When you don’t see photographs of war casualties, natural disasters, and crimes, it’s harder to form this sense of sympathy and actually want things to change. This is why photojournalism is extremely important, especially in our day and age. For example, the recent earthquake in Turkey and Syria caused around 20,000 deaths (Holmes). Photographs of the casualties and of the repercussions of the earthquake were all over social media. 

(AP Photo/Khalil Hamra)

(OSV News photo/Umit Bektas, Reuters)

These photographs incite a sense of urgency within the viewer, which does lead to an increase in donations and aid being sent to the people affected (Salazar 2). Therefore, it’s fair to say that photography does in fact change people’s lives. 

While photographs like Khalik’s and like the ones pictured above do incite change, it is important to discuss the ethical issues regarding photographs like these. A lot of the time, Khalik photographs people when they’re on drugs, so they aren’t necessarily aware of what’s going on, therefore they can’t consent to having their picture taken. I think it would be more ethical to photograph these people when they’re sober, so they can actually give consent as to whether or not they want their picture taken. 

I think that photography does have the ability to change the world, as it gives the audience a sense of sympathy and understanding surrounding topics that aren’t directly related to them. Through this understanding, people begin to want to do something about these issues, whether that’s through donations or other forms of help.

Bibliography

Alex Holmes, Ziad Jaber and Aina J. Khan. “Anger Grows in Turkey as Earthquake Death Toll Passes 20,000 and Rescue Hopes Dwindle.” CNBC. CNBC, February 9, 2023. https://www.cnbc.com/2023/02/09/plight-of-homeless-deepens-as-turkey-syria-earthquake-death-toll-rises.html.

Allah, Khalik. Another Dawn. Photograph.

Allah, Khalik. Difficult Schools. Photograph.

Bogre, Michelle. Photography as Activism: Images for Social Change. London: Routledge, 2017.

Burakoff, Maddie. “What to Know about the Big Quake That Hit Turkey and Syria.” AP NEWS. Associated Press, February 7, 2023. https://apnews.com/article/turkey-earthquake-science-explainer-67ca711fbed2c39b1ca37d1bd9c4fd27.

Carey, Peter West. “Can Your Photography Change the World?” Digital Photography School, August 4, 2021. https://digital-photography-school.com/can-your-photography-change-the-world/.

News, ByOSV. “'a Crisis within Multiple Crises': Amid Ongoing Civil War, Syrians Face Mass Casualties from 7.8-Magnitude Quake - OSV News.” OSV News -, February 10, 2023. https://www.catholicnews.com/2023/02/07/a-crisis-within-multiple-crises-amid-ongoing-civil-war-syrians-face-mass-casualties-from-7-8-magnitude-quake/.

Salazar, Gabby, João Neves, Vasco Alves, Bruno Silva, and Diogo Veríssimo. “Picturing Donations: Do Images Influence Conservation Fundraising?” PLOS ONE. Public Library of Science. Accessed February 12, 2023. https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0251882. 

[brawlsbigbadonkers]

unfortunately i'm gonna keep talking to u abt Brawl bc this is such an interesting recurring theme across SO MUCH of transformers media. these people looking down at their energon-stained hands and thinking, "my God, is this even worth it anymore?" questioning how far is too far, how much fighting is too much fighting, is all this 'worth it' when this vision of a shining equal cybertron means corpses piled in the ditches. and among all that sits Brawl, a guy whose name is LITERALLY about fighting, a guy whose only talent seems to be violence struggling to cope w poverty+lack of purpose in a post war world where his side 'lost'. Someone like Brawl who is famous for loving fighting and violence watching people on the side of his losing faction stir up shit and saying "I DON'T want the war to come back." What does that say of all they've been thru? What does it say about what Brawl himself has been through? How he's changing even a little as a person, where it matters? I'm going stupid

*stares at my wall* I’m gonna go cry in a corner about this. YOU GOT ME FUCKED UP AT 1 PM !! He’s tired, the fact that they chose BRAWL to talk about this topic in TAAO is so. It’s such a choice that hits so hard. They expected people to probably go “oh wow, this guy Doesn’t want to fight…that’s kinda sad” but if you KNOW brawl and you KNOW how writers usually treat his character than it HURTS. Fighting is his LIFE. That’s his EVERYTHING. And yet he’s tired of it. You can see he still likes to fight and beat down, but the war? The war he fought in for MILLIONS of years? He hates it. I think TAAO has some good ideas, but they never fully flush them out. Brawl talking about how he Dosent want the war to come back is a good idea. It reminds me of when older folks in my community would talk about their time in war and how it made them feel tired and hopeless. How many war veterans I met are sick of fighting as well. I think that can translate well with brawl, he’s a tired solider who is CLEARLY affected by the war. But he has no one to talk to it about, everyone sees him as stupid and loud and if he talks about how he feels they might not take him Seriously, but they should ! HES THE MAIN GUY WHO LIKES TO FIGHT AND HES TIRED OF IT! HELLO ?!?! He’s trying to piece together his current life with the new bits he has. The war is done but now all that’s left is the lingering thought of how many have DIED and how almost pointless it was. All he has now is his team and their crappy apartment. But he’d rather have that then GO BACK to fighting for no reason other then kill.