#and yet. ive never felt this disappointed in myself

[starsandwriting]

Aah man applying to colleges and it has just completely ruined my mood

[firelordsfirelady]

IV. Outburst

Author: @firelordsfirelady

Imagine: When Y/N—a princess of one of the Water Tribes—is told she’s leaving her tribe, she never expects that she’s to be betrothed to the Fire Lord’s son, nor was she prepared to be exiled the very day she arrived at the Fire Nation. With her life in the hands of her new fiancée, how will life change for the princess? 

Pairing: Zuko x F!Reader

Trigger warnings: arranged marriage, feelings of fear, banishment, mentions of burns/abuse, frustration, violence, betrayal

Word Count: 1167

Destined to be Yin and Yang

I own no rights to Avatar the Last Airbender or any of the characters/story.

Author’s Notes

The characters as all aged up so Zuko’s banishment happens when he’s 16 

Keep in mind I am bringing a unique world with inspiration from ATLA in their characters, some of the events that happen, bending, etc. Not many things may align or occur with what happened in the show. It’s intended that way, so I hope you enjoy it regardless.

See Y/N’s inspiration here. 

Destined to be Yin and Yang Soundtrack (YouTube)

Zuko made no mention of the cookies the next morning, but I anticipated as much from the Prince. The crew, however, raved about my cookies and were quite happy to hear that I would make them plenty of cookies during our time together. I kept my promise because every full moon I would make the crew a batch of cookies and then practice my water bending on the deck before heading to bed. Of course, I never let Zuko or Iroh be out of the cookie receiving as I would deliver their plates before going to bed. 

Thus began my new daily routine of lending a hand in the kitchen or helping with the dishes. I often found myself aiding in other chores around the ship, which only served to aggravate Zuko more. Zuko always made sure to make remarks about how informal of a princess I was, so I made it my mission to find ways to annoy the Prince further. Let’s just say that I was very good at it. 

The first time Zuko saw me mopping the deck, he made a snide comment that earned him an accidental flick of some water from the mop bucket. 

“Forgive me, Prince Zuko,” I had teased him that day. “I am merely just a princess who doesn’t know how to handle the mop.” Iroh hid his small chuckle at my comment, knowing all too well that I was more than capable of handling the simple mop. I think he found it mildly amusing that I teased the Prince often, and this served to agitate the Fire Lord’s son further.

Despite the banter from Zuko,  I had grown to enjoy life traveling around on a ship. As a young girl, I had dreamed of what it would be like to see the world outside of the Tribe, but I quickly realized that as the princess I would never have those opportunities. Especially since after the Avatar disappeared from the world a century ago, the nations decided to sequester away from each other to protect themselves.

With Zuko on the quest to find the Avatar, he has been researching the previous avatars. We have been to several Avatar shrines across the nations and have been frequenting the other Water Tribes. Zuko was sure that the next avatar would be a Waterbender, and so we stayed near in case the Avatar made his appearance. Each time Zuko got a hint or a tip that there was a chance of the Avatar appearing, the ship would speed to the new destination. Disappointment met Zuko at every new stop, and I felt my heart break more as I watched the hope slowly die from his eyes. Yet, at the next whisper of a sign from the Avatar, Zuko would begin the cycle all over again.

The months slowly turned into years, and Iroh and I met regularly to drink tea together. During our tea visits, Iroh would tell me stories of dragons and the origin stories of Firebending, and, in return, I shared the stories of the Water Nation and our origin. I enjoyed listening to Iroh’s great accomplishments and was glad that I had found a friend in Iroh.

While my friendship with Iroh grew, I could not say the same about my relationship with Zuko. Three years of the same routine with Zuko had begun to wear the hope in me down. I tried my best to make an effort with Zuko in hopes that we might be able to at least tolerate each other. I gave him cookies every full moon, and I offered information that I read at the shrines regarding the avatar that might help Zuko. I did get a small glimmer of hope when he stopped calling me an informal princess after the first six months of life on the ship. After two years, there was light banter between us that was somewhat jovial, but the banter was more teasing than anything else.

That all changed today when Zuko had met another dead end in his search for the Avatar. Once we arrived back at the boat, Zuko’s anger was palpable as he stalked on to the deck. Iroh’s face was a look of concern as he watched Zuko clench and unclench his fists. I chewed my bottom lip as I slowly walked onto the deck behind Iroh, who shared a concerned look with me. My heart increased its pace in my chest as I opened my mouth to say something to the Prince.

“Zuko—“ I started, but Zuko whipped around on his heel and his golden eyes were bright with rage.

“You don’t get the right to call me Zuko.” He snapped in anger. “You’re a good-for-nothing princess who doesn’t understand her place.” My breath hitched as I prepared myself for whatever else he was about to say. “I can understand why my father wants me to find the Avatar, but I can’t begin to wrap my head around why the hell he wants me to marry you.”

“You’re prancing around this ship like it’s a vacation home. Cooking with the crew, cleaning the decks, and not to mention you’re waterbending during the full moon.“ Keeping my face straight, I felt hurt cloud my heart as Zuko spoke his next words with so much hate. “You make cookies to compensate for what you lack as a person. You’re a pathetic excuse for a princess, and I hate that you’re my betrothed.”

Zuko was breathing heavily as he finished his rant, and I swallowed the lump in my throat in a pathetic excuse to calm the tears forming in my eyes. Silence fell upon the entire boat as I composed myself. Part of me wanted to scream at him that he wasn’t the only one suffering here. A tiny part of me wanted to wrap him in a cocoon of ice and then walk away. Another part of me wanted to hug him because I could see he was frustrated, and I was the only person who he was set on taking his anger upon.

I did none of those things as I shook my head and walked away. His words cut me deep, but I refused to let him see the tears that silently fell from my eyes as I made haste to my bedroom. Once behind the security of the closed door, I let the tsunami wave of tears flow as I cried into my pillow.

After a few hours of crying, I lay in bed and I stared at the ceiling. My eyes were no doubt red and puffy from the amount of crying I had done. Though my eyes burned, I could not tempt my body into a thoughtless slumber. So, instead of sleeping, I got up from bed and lit the oil lamp on my desk. I grabbed some blank pieces of paper and a pencil then began doing the one thing that would distract me the most right now: draw.

Tag List @chevysstuffs @puttyly @ginger24880 @night-fall-moon @hypnoticbeing

[bridgertonandchocolate]

Here’s how you know I was disappointed with Bridgerton season 3 part 2: I’ve rewatched it one time. I went through a second time on Thursday but just did Polin moments. I rewatched it yesterday. And I don’t have a great desire to rewatch it more times. Which is very unlike me. Since I rewatched part 1 every single day between May 16 and June 13. Sometimes multiple times a day. Just on repeat.

I’ve heard and seen some people saying that they cut a massive amount of Polin from what was originally done. I don’t know the validity of this but if it’s true all of the things I was expecting to see as I watched it is what they supposedly cut out.

Honestly I don’t know why we’re cutting key pieces of the main couple. And it would’ve been elemental to their arc. The episodes were long but I don’t see why they couldn’t have sacrificed other unnecessary storylines or just made the episode longer. I don’t mind longer episodes.

Better yet if there’s so much they want to include and they want all these evolving stories here’s some options:

1. Put out more than 8 episodes. 10-12 or 13 is fine and definitely enough time to flesh things out.

2. Make the episodes much longer as I already mentioned.

3. Make the show truly an ensemble show and don’t have a main focus.

I get why there is a main couple but it felt like there wasn’t this season. I feel bad for Luke and Nicola who put their hard work and whole souls into filming this and I think a lot of what they referenced during promo was ultimately cut. I can’t imagine putting myself out there in an intimacy scene and doing it for hours on end for a day or two and them being like never mind we’re not going to include this part now. Like what a waste. Like I got naked and simulated sex and you’re just gonna cut it? Okay.

I think they overhyped it because they knew people would be disappointed.

Ive seen some people say this season was awful. I don’t think it was awful or the worst. It was okay. But it could’ve been way better. I think as I rewatch more I’ll be able to appreciate it for what it is (hopefully). They tried to do too much and they ended up not doing the main couple enough justice and people didn’t get what they were expecting or wanting.

I know that they’re returning for season 4 but I’ve lost trust in the writers so I’m going to have to dampen expectations and lower that bar to the floor.

[drdemonprince]

Any chance you'd expand on the hank hill trans guy post? (Sorry, best indicator I could come up with.) The concept interests me as I decidedly know my maleness, yet don't feel impeded by for the most part, any male gendered norms/boxes. I am fairly masculine, though I rarely use those kinds terms to describe myself. I have found I often do stray outside of what society pushed for me when I transitioned, yet I again do not feel it has taken from my right to maleness whatsoever. I am just me, who happens to be male. I have had friends try and suggest I am NB adjacent but I do not feel this way whatsoever. I feel more people are outliers to gender expectation than we care to admit and it's disappointing the way cis-people deny that. Hope this wasn't too long winded, I value your writing and perspective, and wanted to hear more of your thoughts on this.

Yeah, well so many things all get conflated by gender labels, and it's all so personal, you know? Masculinity does not have to mean maleness, and a person's gender identity might be a reflection of some innate quality they experience themselves as having, or a general summary of their tendencies, or their desired presentation, or their sense of affinity with other people, or an interpersonal tool, or something they just go along with because it was given to them by society, or any other number of things.

I think my recent substack piece on detransition goes into this pretty well, and I have an upcoming piece of what @pastimperfection calls "bilateral dysphoria" that comes out next week that delves into it too.

I think I mostly saw taking on a male identity as a means to an end more than any kind of innate reflection of who I was, though I did feel an affinity with effeminate men for a lot of reasons. I think I also discounted how much I have in common with my fellow nonbinary people of all stripes, because that identity became so strongly associated with being an annoying type of queer person that everybody else just wrote off as ultimately being their assigned gender at birth anyway no matter how much they protested. it doesn't help that 'nonbinary' is a catchall term for literally thousands if not millions of very distinct experiences and desires.

transitioning gave me control over how i was perceived, finally, but hormones are a throttle that only go in one very specific direction, and you don't really have all that much control over which changes kick in at which times and what people will make of you once you do start registering to them as some identity other than what you were first saddled with. it's an incredible gift to be able to toggle that throttle. but it's limited, not because medical transition isn't incredible and needed for so many, but because there is no escaping the goddamned binary cissexist logic that influences everything about how people treat you, how you navigate institutions, who finds you desirable and what they want out of you, and so much else.

if you're able to cast a lot of the external societal bullshit aside and feel strong in your maleness, maybe you're stronger than me or maybe our orientation to these things is just different, i don't know. i was never all that sensitive to feedback that i was doing the whole being-a-woman-thing all that wrong. i reveled in violating those rules to an extent. succeeding at being a woman despite my best attempts was what felt super dysphoric. and now i guess im succeeding at being a man, insofar as im always read as one, and it feels just as uncomfortable and objectifying and false. i thought that with manhood i could probably just grit my teeth and deal with it, but i'm finding that i can't.

ive always been very open that for me, gender is a thing I Do, and i guess to those who know me well it wouldnt be surprising to hear that i have gotten tired of Doing Being a Man and dont feel like playing that particular gendered game anymore. I tend to get bored of things! and find the flaws in things. and find my comfort in being fault-finding and contrarian and not being a joiner. and thats okay. i learned a lot along the way. not having to try any more is a huge relief. i can just do whatever. and know actively that people will more often than not be wrong in what they make of me.

maybe it was natural feeling for you to decidely 'know' your maleness without a care for masculine standards because that is the right identity for you! and maybe i only feel secure in the "not knowing" realm and in letting go of what people think of me or finding any kind of tidy categorization for it because that's the right spot for me. for now. until i find a new interesting way to be unhappy and striving for more and different again. :) that's just part of being alive, for me.

[p3arlxox]

pulchritudinous

heya ladies i’m really impatient regarding that pole and this has been cooking up for a while so tell me what yall think and i’ll make this a series.

summary— childhood friends to lovers w trans!ellie

warnings— misgendering, cussing (later), light angst (later),

★

One year at the bright age of 9 years old when you were applying makeup on Ellie, she tried sneaking a glance in your mirror, “Don’t look yet! You’ll ruin the amazing look.” she rolled my eyes and followed with, “Well, hurry up! My curfew’s in half an hour and I am not trying to get yelled at by Joel again.”

“Alright alright, don’t rush perfection.” you apply some highlighter and she would feel the bristles tickle her cheekbones making her release a small giggle. Which gave you the right to cock an eyebrow of disappointment at her moving.

You would add what she would call the spray of horror, but you called it setting spray. She could recongnize that weird scent anytime. It was like a pavlovian response. When she would smell it, she would squeeze her eyes shut and stop breathing for a moment. Anyways, moving on from the trauma you had given her…

“And, done!” You said as you put a mirror to her face. Ellie would grab the handle of it and wouldn’t be able to help but smile. The way everything ties together as she look at her features. The brightness under her eyes she never knew she needed, an enhancing berry blush that made her face smaller yet more adult, her lips were bigger and tinted with pink, a black hue on the eyes and an even darker line across my lid making her eyes look elongated and feminine, and finally her eyelashes pointed towards the sky reaching for something empowering. That’s what she felt. Empowered.

But then she looked at her hair, short, this was not the style for her. But why is it not? Her jawline sharp, more stubble than the average 9 year old girl. Ellie questioned so many different about herself as I looked at myself that day. She looked at you “Well hand me a wipe! My mom is gonna kill me if i look like this at home.”

“Oh come on! It would be a fun surprise,” You exclaimed with confidence and promise in your voice. “But, you should go now because next time I have to tell you something really important! And it can’t wait anytime after then,” your voice wavered more than it did in her previous remark. Ellie looked at her with her head slightly tilted toward the right as to question you without saying anything.

“Uh.. would you look at that!” You grabs her phone and shows me the lock screen. A selfie. You and Ellie. It’s 18 ‘till 8 o’clock! You have to go”

Swiftly you open a drawer on your desk and pull out a makeup wipe and hand it to Ellie with an awkward smile. “Oh thanks, Ells,”

“Yup totally! I got you dude,” She wondered why that felt like being stabbed. Hm.

“Okay bye Ellie! Have a good night.”

★

oki it’s short i know stfu. opinions??? i have opinions on trans ellie. i think it’s cute yes but i don’t think i can see ellie as a character being trans within the tlou universe (ive never seen anyone say this) but idk. i feel like it’s kinda belittling towards this independent, strong, woman, to say she had to be amab in order to be as successful as she is. also it’s fr just porn if u try looking for anything trans ellie related. trans people are so fetishized it’s gross. ugh. ew. blegh.

[pompadorbz]

good morning pompadorbz nation as it turns out i am still sick and twisted

No, the Ender Prince AU has NOT left my brain, don't you think for a second that it hasn't, it is to the point that I am drawing this guy for one of my final assignments, ive already gotten an art trade of him its honetly a miracle i haven't put him on artfight yet. AND. And. I spent my entire evening on one singular short fic. Here is that fic. (note that. i very much made this for myself but i think ive pretty much talked about all the plot points so far in my that appear here in my older posts about this au, which you can find under the #ender prince au tag. if there's something that appears here that I've omitted from the posts then like. idk that's an issue not an issme lol. I'll probably post about whatever i didn't in like 2-3 business days knowing the state of my brainwaves rn. also shoutout to @fries-is-silly for beta reading this for me whilst i slept comfy and cozy in my bed)

The claws of Phil’s exoskeleton lightly click against the cold purpur floors as he briskly makes his way across the long hallways of the end palace. The Ender King had requested the night prior that he visit the throne upon awakening, and Phil knew he was an impatient man. Phil knew better than to keep him waiting this long by now… He never failed to disappoint in that regard, it seemed. Phil truly could not move any quicker if he tried. The lavender tiles were so large that he would barely miss the edge of each square with every step, and he swore up and down to himself that walking back and forth across a single hallway would take him a complete twenty minutes, but this was assuming time was valuable enough in the end to fact-check that estimate to begin with. Perhaps he had only gotten used to it at this point, but Phil always felt as if the hallways had shrunk since his first days in the palace– not that the King had really allowed him to roam very far for that first while, anyway. He remembered the dread he felt as he was first carried off into the throne room; How staring up the unfathomably tall walls and to the impossibly high ceiling made him feel horribly nauseous. He thought that no closed space should ever be this colossal. It gave him a rare fear– a terror of heights. For once. But that was back then. This is Now. And right now, Phil was on solid ground, and he was nearly at the throne room. He thought that maybe- as he picks up the pace, if he could get away with a quick sprint, he would get there a little bit quicker. However, A familiar voice called from around the next corner, dripping with acid. It makes Phil freeze dead in his tracks. “You took your precious time getting here as is, little fly. It would be a waste of energy for you to scratch up my floor with your little claws.”Phil’s pace slows significantly at the comment as he turns into the throne’s open doorway, clasping his hands together in shame as he stares up towards the throne where the Ender king sat, shrouded in his usual cloak as his hair fell like waterfalls off the edges and arms of the seat. The golden mask that rested upon his face was one that Phil didn’t recall ever seeing him wear; a spider, with its giant mandibles protruding outward from the lower half, and eight eyes, painstakingly painted a bright red. Phil thought it looked rather striking.

“I… I’m sorry for rushing, my lord. I knew when I woke up that I would be cutting it close… It won’t happen again.” The ender king hums low and sarcastically. “You say it won’t happen again… And yet, every time, you always seem to break that promise without fail now, don’t you? Hm?”There was a faux-sweetness in the monarch’s voice that made Phil’s throat tighten, and before he could work up the courage to provide another pitiful excuse, the Ender King was already continuing. “Though, I suppose that it is to be expected by now, isn’t it?” He asks rhetorically. “But no need to fret it much, little prince. There are far, far more pressing matters we must discuss today.”Ah.Phil knew well what that probably meant. “Is… Is it nearly time..? And so soon?” He questioned, feeling a pit form in his stomach from the nerves alone. “Ohh, we are not quite ready just yet, foolish prince! There are still a mere few preparations to be made.” The king explains matter of factly. “I will tell you exactly when it is time.”So in other words, Phil had to prepare to receive this information at the very last minute. Cool. “For now, however… I can prepare you for your little adventure just a cinch more.”He slowly holds his hands out in front of him. “Come forward.”

Phil nods in silence and flutters his elytra, slowly lifting off of the ground and flying up into the king’s hands as he’d done dozens of times before. It was a practiced movement by now. The Ender king wordlessly carries Phil over to the arm of his throne, letting him carefully walk off and take a seat on the end stone as he’d done countless times before. Sometimes, if he was lucky, the king would allow him to wrap whatever draped from his cloak around him as he sat by his side. …That did not occur often, however. And most certainly not today after having arrived so late.

Phil instead watches the Ender King as he reaches a bony hand into his cloak and pulls out a tiny (by his standards, anyway), white-painted chest. He carries it between his fingers, placing it directly in front of Phil with just enough force to threaten to crush him; if he ever fell out of line, that is.

“A gift! Just for you, little orchid.~”Phil stares at the box for just a moment and reaches toward it… Only to look back at the Ender king for a moment in his hesitation.

The last time he had been given a gift, it was… Well, it was his very own room in the palace, complete with a rather comfortable bed, some soft wool carpet… Even a few trinkets that the king didn’t wish to keep for himself in the throne room. It wasn’t terribly big, nor was it filled with riches… But it made the castle feel a little more like a home.

It wasn’t a perfect home, but of course… Phil hadn’t a reason to complain that’d be worth the Ender King’s time.

“Oh, don’t just gawk at me like that, Corvus. Don’t you wish to know what’s inside? Are you not curious?” Says the king. “You could at the very least pretend to be grateful.”“I am grateful, my king! I really, truly am! It… just took me by surprise, is all-”

“Yes, well I believe that is in fact the point of a surprise, isn’t it?” The Ender King impatiently cuts him off, tapping his finger nails on the opposing arm of the throne.

Phil stares into the vacant red eyes of the spider mask for a brief moment, but only sighs, accepting the swift dismantling of yet another poor excuse.

“Yeah, I guess it is, huh…” He concedes, turning back to the chest and gently placing his hands onto the lid.

He lifts it open and peers inside at what looked like… A wool blanket..? No… No, rather it was something wrapped inside a wool blanket. It glistens in gold through the holes in between each fuzzy woven thread as Phil carefully takes it out of the box and cradles it in his lap.

More of the object’s golden surface is revealed with each layer of wool that Phil unfolds, and after there is nothing left to cover it, there sits in front of him:

“A mask..? Like.. Like one of yours?” Phil tentatively asks.

The Ender King laughs with a disposition so sunny it was almost unnerving.

“That it is, clever prince! I made it especially for you to take along on your journey.~”Phil looks back down at the mask in slight awe, inspecting it further. It looked almost like a mantis’ face of some kind, with two large eyes protruding outward from the top, sitting just above where the real eyeholes sat… But more curiously, something was nestled in between the eyes…

“What’s this ender pearl for..?” Phil asks.

“Ah, now that, curious little prince, is because this mask serves a very important purpose.”

The king’s tone was the most fluttery and excitable it had ever been, letting the answer to Phil’s question dangle like a carrot on a string for a moment.

“This will be your ticket in and out of the universe I’ve picked for your first little expedition,” He begins. “and every universe beyond that for the rest of our forever time.” Oh.

This was more than just a mask… It was a priceless artifact; one more valuable than Phil could ever imagine being.

He couldn’t even think of something to say about it… This whole mission had a lot of responsibility to it already, but… This was different.

It was tangible.

It made any and all words elude him.

“Now, What do we say, Corvus…?”Though… He supposed he could start with that one, yeah.

“Thank you…” He nearly whispers, trailing a hand against the mask’s surface before he wraps it up in the blanket once more and places it carefully back into the white box.

The Ender King places a hand to his chin.

“Oh, Corvus… I didn’t quite catch that– What, with your incessant mumbling. Oh do repeat yourself, would you?~” Phil nervously clears his throat as he looks back up to the spider mask, looking into the eyeholes as if he could see the deity’s face underneath.

“Thank you so very much… My king.”

“Good boy.”The Ender King holds a hand out for Phil to once again climb upon, and Phil obliges; this time allowing himself to be brought down to ground level. The last thing he wanted was to drop his present.

“Run along now, little prince! There will be plenty of work to be done in due time, so do not disappoint me.”Phil nods and begins making his way toward the door… But he’s stopped by the monarch one final time just as he goes to turn through the exit.

“Oh… And one final thing before you leave, yes? It is incredibly important… So listen closely.” The Ender King begins.

Phil only barely turns around before the feeling of dread hits him like a brick. There was always a catch to these… Nicer interactions.

“Be careful with that mask. Don’t you lose it, and don’t you dare break it. Because if you do…”

Phil swallows the lump in his throat. He knew the threat he was about to hear. As empty as it seemed after constant reiteration… It never failed to strike fear into his heart.

“I have absolutely no qualms with plucking those little wings off of your ungrateful back.”

The silence hangs heavy between the two… And what was likely only a few seconds felt like minutes to Phil.

“Do I make myself clear, Icarus?”Phil Nodded.

“Crystal.”

[ttupelohoneyy]

Darlin’

Sabine is young, scared, but smart. She gets sent to Colombia through the embassy, to help out the hospitals, and gets housed in an apartment building with other Americans. The DEA agents.

Javier Peña X f!OC

CHAPTER ONE

Sabine Puentes has been a nurse at the army base in Fort Worth, Texas for two years. Why she got sent to Colombia is beyond her...

She's strong, seen a lot of pain and death. She's worked hard and built up respect amongst her peers. But as she sits on the plane, she feels her tears welling up in her eyes. A pit in her gut. She feels like a scared little girl.

Meanwhile Javier Peña sits at his desk, chain smoking.

"Hey, did'ya know im gettin' a neighbor today?" He says, taking another drag.

Steve looks up at him with his tired eyes, "No, I hadn't heard that yet. Is it an agent?"

"No I heard hes a nurse, sent here to help out.

Used to be an army nurse."

"Mhm" Steve Murphy grunts out, "It'll be nice to have someone to patch ya up when you get home, huh?" He pauses a moment to take a drag,

"Whats his name?"

"I don't know, all it says on the door is S. Puentes-Leija."

"He was sent here by the embassy, yeah?"

"Yeah…”

"Well, we can look em up."

Steve flicked through files and files of names and faces... finally landing on Puentes-Lejia.

"Well, that man, the nurse," Steve's voice lowers,

"your, ahem, neighbor..."

Javier raises his eyebrows in anticipation

"Is a woman. A young woman. An attractive woman." Javier snatches the file from between Steves forefinger and thumb.

"Don't do it..."

"I didn't say anything."

"No but you thought something. Shes only 23 for God's sake. Leave the poor girl be."

Javier shakes his head, "Well, on that note, its time for lunch. Want anything?"

"Nah," steve sighs, "Connie packed me somethin.

Javi nods, stubs out his cigarette and walks out, with full intention of going home and making sure his new neighbor didn't need any help moving in her boxes.

The minutes turned into hours. The boxes where piled high.

“Goddamn it…” Sabine muttered to herself, “I coulda sworn I packed light.”

She starts with the kitchen, laying out a stack of pyrex mixing bowls. Next, comes the utensils, then the tea towels. She unpacks art, photos, and little “monitos” that she has collected over the years. While she was packing, back in fort worth, she decided that she couldn’t minimize her belongings to the point of not making a house her home. A harsh knock on her door inturprs her thoughts.

“Howdy, ma’am…” a handsome stranger starts. His Texas accent was comforting, already she felt not so foreign. “My name is Javier Peña, I’m your neighbor. I, uh, I work over at the embassy, and I thought I’d offer myself to uh,” his eyes trail down her legs, her shorts are in no way revealing, but nonetheless, they’re daisy dukes. “Help ya unpack your boxes. Or maybe uh, offer you any help I could give.”

She smiles while waiting for Javier to finish his run on sentence.

“Well thank you kindly, I appreciate your willingness.”

“Of course…”

After a few moment of slightly uncomfortable silence, she speaks.

“Would you like to come in?”

“Sure, I’d like that.”

He follows her into her kitchen, which is just off the entry way.

“I don’t have much to offer you yet, but i did run by the bodega down stairs. I got two beers and a bag of chips. Want one?”

“Why not? Ill take it.”

“Oh,” she says in disappointment, “got an opener? Im not sure where mine is…”

“No but I’ll do ya one better”

he brings the unopened amber bottle to his mouth, and bites off the cap, then does the same for her.

“Well, I’ll be damned. I’ve never been able to do that.” She shrugs, “ive always been worried i’d crack a tooth.”

“If your dumb enough, anything is possible.” He chuckles in response.

She squats down to sit on the floor, legs stretched out in front of her.

He follows her lead, doing the same.

“So where are you from?” He asks, as if he doesn’t already know.

“Fort Worth, Texas. Y tu?”

“Not too terribly far from you then, well, I guess nothings too terribly far when you live in Colombia. I’m from Laredo.”

“Mm I love Laredo…” she states as she takes her first swig.

So many things are going through his mind right now. First of them being, he just had that bottle rim on his mouth, and now you have it on yours. He feels childish thinking that, like a middle school boy. But he feels closer to you already.

Second one being “Who the Hell likes Laredo?” That one slipped through the corridors of his brain right out his mouth. He’s glad that was the one that slipped by.

She laughed, and it made his chest tight. Shes got a beautiful, loud and clear laugh. The kind that makes people laugh with her.

“Well it may not be picturesque. But y’all’ve got the Rio Grande. Plus, its close to the boarder.” She stops, trying to decide if it was a good idea to tell the rest of the story… she decided yes. It was a good idea.

“Some of my family lives in Laredo, so when I was younger, learning whats right and whats wrong, my cousins and I would sneak out to a lil bar called ‘Restaurante Paris’ in Nuevo Laredo. Looking back it was dangerous as hell, but it was fun.”

He smirks, listening to her story. ‘When she was young’ he thought to himself. He would give his left nut to be 23 again. He smiles dumbly, in a bit of a trance.

Her voice wakes him up, snapping into reality.

“Well, hate to put my new friend to work, but would you like to help me move the couch from downstairs? I know I can’t do it by myself.”

“Of course. That’s what I’m here for.”

She stands up, offering her hand to help Javier up too. He chuckles, she weighs probably half of what he does, but his creaky knees are screaming for him to accept the help.

“Plus,” he thought, “I’d get to touch her hand… There I go again, with the embarrassing middle schooler thoughts.”

He clasps his hand in hers, making a hollow slapping sound as she pulls him up.

She laid in bed, her thoughts racing. She tried reading a book, but the words she read barely skimmed her eyes, not quite making their way to her brain.

So much to think about- the gunshots, the music, the man across the hall, her family, the empty apartment.

She circled back to the subjects that were swimming through her brain.

“The man across the hall…” she thought again. She starts her new job on Monday, it’s Thursday. She can figure out an excuse to see him again before then. “Maybe I can make him a meal? No. That’s stupid. Well, no. It’s not. That might do.” She scrambled around her bedside table, looking for a notepad and pen.

• steak

•vinegar

• tomatoes

•salt and pepper

•onions

•garlic

•potatoes

She wanted to show that she was not only a good cook, but also a woman that travelled. Lomo Saltado was perfect for that. Sabine decided she would go to the market tomorrow and prepare. Would dropping of dinner tomorrow be too soon? Would that seem desperate? Or would it be a friendly gesture? What if he asked why she made him dinner?

She started to come up with excuses in her head.

“Oh, I just thought I could make a new friend.” No. That was desperate.

“You seem hungry.” Are you serious? That was stupid as hell.

“Im not used to making dinner for only one person, usually I cook for my whole family. So I just thought I’d bring you the rest.” Mmm, better. Remember that one.

“Just wanted to welcome you to Colombia!” No you dumb bitch, you’re the one that just moved here.

She settled on hoping he wouldn’t ask. As she fell asleep, she thought about his hand in hers when she helped him up. “That is a stupid thought.” She said to herself, “you sound like a middle schooler.”

Oh well. It made her giddy with excitement. She hadn’t felt like that in a hot second. It calmed her down to think about the hot DEA agent next door that could protect her.

She woke up to the sun coming through the blinds, horns honking, and the chatter of people walking down the street. She stretched and yawned, reaching for her list. She grabbed the pen again.

•beer

She added that just to bring a little pizzazz to the dinner. Dessert seems like too much, so she just stuck with what she had.

She took a shower, put on a some makeup and decided on a sweet little dress. Right above her knees, and flow-y.

She steps out with her big grocery bags, turning to lock her apartment.

“‘’Mornin’ neighbor.”

“Jesus!” She jumps and turns around to see Javier, standing calmly with a briefcase and mug in tow “you scared the shit out of me!”

“Sorry about that, sunshine.”

“No, it’s fine! I guess I was just daydreaming.”

They stand there, parallel to each other. Eyes locked.

“I, uh… I hope you have a good day at work!” Sabine says, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“I hope you do too. Well, not work. I mean, you don’t look like you’re going to work. So… well maybe you are. I mean, have a good day.” Javier stumbles through his sentence. “Jesus Christ man… what’s wrong with you?”

Sabine laughed a melodic laugh. He smiled in response, relieved she didn’t think he was stupid.

“Thank you. I will.”

They walked to same way, down the same stairwell, to the same gate, of the same apartment building. As she turned right toward the market and he turned left, he one last snuck glance.

“Well fuck me.” He muttered under his breath.

A pile of papers and files and names and gory, horrible photos lay on his desk. he uses his forearm to swipe it to the side to make room for his mug.

"Hows the new neighbor?" Steve says, moving his legs from resting comfortably on the desk to the floor.

"Fine, I guess. I don't know."

"Don't tell me you didn't see her."

"I mean, yeah, I saw her struggling with the boxes going up and down the stairs."

"bullshit, Peña. I know you were the fine southern gentleman you are and helped her with the boxes."

"Fine, yeah. I helped her move her couch."

"did you help her with any other kind of box too?"

"Shut up, Murphy."

"Peña!" Messina's voice rang through the room. "You were late today. you need to have this paperwork done by 4pm. Understood?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Any leads yet?"

"With all due respect ma'am, I just got here. I'll be sure to update you as the day goes."

Meanwhile, Sabine is overloaded on the bus. Three giant, full bags of groceries, a book she picked up about the local flora and fauna, and a bundle of calla lilies under her arm. Beside her sits an elderly woman, a nun. They smile at each other, it felt poetic to Sabine.

"Buenos dias." the woman said, in a shaky but kind voice.

"Buenos dias, madre." she replied.

Sabine looked out the window, crushed by what she saw.

Absolute beauty.

There were kids walking home from school, kicking rocks and giggling about boys. there was a mother, talking to her friend about the latest goings on, braiding her daughters hair tightly and uniformly while the little girl complained. There was a young man selling bananas on the corner, talking about the car that he's saving up for to this pretty girl, around his age.

It was so contrary to the violence and bloodshed she had been sent down here to help mend. All of these people had lost someone. Most of these people were scared.

Sabine had reached her stop, paid the bus driver with two small coins and proceeded to wobble her way up the stairs. once she had got inside her apartment, she took a deep breath in. It smells nice. It already was starting to smell like her.

She unpacked her groceries, and started to chop away at the potatoes, onions, tomatoes and garlic, slicing the meat and cooking it at a high heat. she fried the potatoes into papas fritas and plated it nicely in a Tupperware container, drizzling its gravy onto it. she put two beers into the big paper sack along with the two containers of food, once for dinner today, one for lunch tomorrow.

she waited until she heard his keys rattle in the lock, and then his door close behind him.

she took a deep breath and *knock knock knock* she waited for just a few seconds before Javier opened the door.

"Hi..." she says with a warm smile

"Hey..." he says back with a softness in his deep brown eyes.

"I made you dinner... and um, I made enough for lunch too, for tomorrow, if ya want.... oh! and there's a couple of beers in there too."

nothing like this had ever happened to Javier. he was dumbfounded.

"Sabine, I, wow... Thank you, you didn't have to do this."

"oh, but I wanted to, its nothing really." there was yet another silence between the two of them. "well I, um... I hope you enjoy it! and if you don't, don't tell me. it'll hurt my feelings." she says with an awkward chuckle.

"I'm sure I'll love it, thank you."

She turned to walk back into her humble abode and he stopped her quickly by saying...

"Actually, do you want to join me? you can have the second portion."

"No, I made that for you! I mean, yes, I do want to join you. No, the second portion is for you," she laughs nervously. "let me just run in really quick and grab a plate, ill be right back."

She turned and went in, leaving the door open in a rush. He stood there watching her run off into her apartment, past her kitchen into her bathroom. He then heard the sink running, followed by the toothbrush tapping the porcelain edge of the sink. She scurried back into the kitchen and plated herself dinner.

"Okay," she beamed up at him. "sorry about that." he looked her over, bottom to top, not so subtly, taking in everything he could.

She was standing before him, in all her glory. barefoot, a little blue sundress, a freckle on her left shoulder, and a strand of curly hair falling right in front of her ear.

"c'mon in, hermosa, make yourself at home."

[lifeonmarz-blog]

12th House Transit, anyone?

I've been going through 12th house transits for over a year now and im spiritually tired but also feeling like I'm almost finished with the marathon. The 6th and 12th house have been giving me the ick. My career path has been stressing me. I left one field a while ago and have yet to find my footing somewhere else. The jobs i've had haven't worked out or haven't been what i expected. Its been so disappointing. My love life has been a confusing mess of delusion and hurt. Ive done things i never thought i would've. I ended a situationship thats been going on for 2 years. Ive met new people that lowkey i wish i hadn't. Its been interesting... My creativity has been lacking, feeling uninspired quite often and also unattractive. Which is kinda new for me ima aries being conceded is literally just in my dna. I havent had a interest in posting on social media like that. I deleted my socials a multiple times during this year. A month hiatus was the longest stretch. This is the first time in my life ive actually been serious about getting a therapist. My mental health has been a rollercoaster. Lonely has also been a theme. Ive always been introverted my sun is Natally in the 12th but this is a different kind of lonely. Ive resisted meditation so much which makes zero sense. Just sulking in the sorrow but there's been many times where i felt like i needed faith and hope so i had to stop running from myself. I dont think people talk about 12th house transits enough. Its very similar to the 8th but the 8th is like getting your finger chopped off and the 12th is like getting a flesh eating bacteria that slowing claims your finger. Anyways, its been unpleasant but mars goes direct soon and my planets enter the 1st house shortly after. I'll be glad to be working with less serious energies. I've learned a lot about who I thought I was and my mental has shifted a lot too. Letting go of thought patterns that have kept me in a mental prison. Lowkey I could've ended up in a actual prison during this transit. It been like that... Meditation is not optional with 12th house transits. Trust me, just do it.

Luv of Marz

[animal-123-crazy]

Hngh - need to get this out

TLDR before readmore:

Disney’s Wish disappointed me and so I’m doing my own rewrite.

Gonna make a tag but also probably use a masterlist subscription post at some time. For now, just follow this post I guess

So I watched Disney’s Wish just to see what all the hullabaloo was about and I was just kinda disappointed.

Like there was clearly a spark there, and some of the music and ideas were absolutely BRILLIANT but it felt like there was a mass rewrite where so many ideas got torn out and redone for…. Some reason

And I know I’m just jumping on the train but Starboy? Hello? Wishing Star x Fairy Godmother?? Disney please that was GOLD

And “At All Costs” NOT being a love song and instead is some creepy possessive ballad? Ive never felt more betrayed. That is a LOVE SONG dammit

Anyways, I did myself a little rewrite base and now its STUCK in my head so I’m going to have to do something with it

Whether thats art (comic? Series of animatics?) or written (script? Movie outline? Novella?) i have yet to determine - a visual medium seems more apt but thats gonna be so much work - and yet I also have music jingling in my brain so I might have to slapstick some music together too.

But uh…. Yeah I’ll probably be posting here. Will make a tag for it? Likely going to be in parts just so I dont lose too much steam.

Also I entirely blame OrbitalMoonRat on YT for this?? Their animatic of At All Costs just made me CRAVE this and well if Disney aint gonna do it guess I just gotta do it myself.

[astarionsass]

im upset anyway but I just. like people on twt - multiple people - qrt’d a gif of march from fields of mistria and were like “im disappointed that this isn’t a masc lesbian” and im not kidding myself thinking i actually look like him but as of right now i do look like a masc lesbian like im in the awkward phase where i don’t pass but im also obviously queer so i just look butch as hell and i just. is that what people think of me? are they disappointed when they find out im a man? ive never felt this alone before because im just. not good enough for anyone. not a man yet by most people’s standards, not a man at all by bad people’s standards, not a woman by my own, im just not anything. and when i try to affirm my own identity i have to face shit like this… i just want to give up. i don’t want to try anymore i don’t want to exist anymore im so tired of trying to be good enough when it seems so fucking insurmountable. it just feels like there’s no place for me and it’s so… i can’t deal with it anymore i want out i don’t want to be here anymore

[jayisanemoig]

panic! at the emo x3 day 3

today was a simple day, yet its just like every other day. thats how my life is rn. simple, repetitive, and plain. i did it to myself though. i decided to isolate myself from my peers. i decided to do home schooling, because i cared too much about other peoples perception of me. i cared too much bout what others thought.

i was bullied, a lot. picked on by almost every type of kid at my school. hated by most as well. i guess im a controversial figure at my school, between rumors and useless "drama". i never let it affect me tho. im used to people hating me, i just hated the feeling of people hating me. the shame, the embarrassment, the sadness. it made me feel like no one wanted me around, so i never really went to class. hell the whole last month of school i didnt go to a single class. i just either hid in the bathrooms or just straight up left school and wondered around. i would steal alcohol from my local supermarket and then go to the public library wasted and check my tumblr on the computers lol... ngl i dont regret it tho. it made me happy and i felt like i was living. but the reason why wasn't worth it.

i let my peers dictate what i did, where i went, how i dressed. i tried to please everyone around me. outta sight outta mind. thats how i believe people would like me to be. gone, away, like im an eyesore. i hated myself junior year. and i regret m=hating myself as much as i did. and hating myself was part of the reason i decided to do online school. i wanted to be isolated. away from people. not draining them or boring them with my problems. i felt like a burden. but now i feel like i can handle the feeling of being hated. ive been hated, abandoned, lied to, disappointed, and verbally abused ever since school ended and started back up again. i feel like now i dont have any bone in my body to care about anybody at my school not liking me. theres no more room in me to care about what others think of me anymore, or even feel bad about it. i dont think i can even cry anymore.

i will still continue to isolate myself mentally and emotionally, but i feel like its time for me to be social again. i've kinda lost a lot friends over the summer too. i really only have like 4 friends now lol. i had like 3 friend groups under my belt and now they all either just stopped talking to me or they hate me now for some reason. i just wanna be appreciated for once yk? loved. wanted.

[blonkk]

feeling healthy. classic friday night crying unexpectedly because it just occurred to me that im almost 30 and ive spent the last 3 days alone with no one to talk to. im just in bed watching the simpsons wishing i had someone with me just to fucking watch the simpsons or stupid youtube comps. i’ve been seething because my roommate left days ago without telling me and he hasn’t cleaned a thing since i moved in so i’ve spent the past 2 days scrubbing the place clean which makes me resentful. he also left his aging dog here and she drives me insane and i didn’t sign up to be a dog owner but here we are. should i let her starve and shit in the house or do i just do the right thing and make sure shes fed. let her out when she screams at the door at all hours of the day night and morning. its been raining but stopped today so i left the house and spent 50$ on nothing and i still dont have a job and i just have to come up with new ways to spend my time with nothing to do no money no one to talk do on this shithole hill

like when you’re young and optimistic and idealistic you never think that sad loser is gonna be you. like no way i’m gonna be a sad friendless lonely freak of nature. no way im gonna be broke and jobless near 30.

and it just creeps up and like i’d do anything to get out of this but i just fail and fail and fail and i can’t find a way out. everything is just closing in on me rn. and if i go home to my parents i wont need to worry as much about money for the time being but what kind of back peddling is that….i spent my entire 20s working up the courage to move out completely and again im failing. i can’t go home anyways because believe it or not my situation is every worse there

and my parents are so scared for me…like they won’t say it but they’re ashamed and disappointed and they pity me which is honestly worse than anything else….i don’t want them to help me out of pity it feels like no one believes in me at all

which makes sense lol i don’t believe in myself either….i don’t excel at anything…..i can’t even get an entry level job in my field where i have experience…i can’t monetize anything else i do because im just not a very skilled person and its not self pity, or maybe it is, but like no one cares about art or whatever it is i like to do.

like i’ve felt like i’ve been fading away for a few years now as friends and family moved onto bigger and better and it’s just getting worse as time goes on…i don’t know what i want i’ve never known and it doesn’t even matter because i’ve never gotten anything i’ve wanted anyways. i just want to not be lonely. it’s so simple

i just want to disconnect from everyone and everything because i’m so beaten down by rejection and failure and isolation and despite good things these bad things compound and im so exhausted i don’t even care about what happens to me anymore

it’s so weird being this person you know people pity…that the worst part

i’m tying….i go outside…i exercise…i engage with my hobbies….i haven’t shut out my friends….i keep applying for work even though i feel this feeling of dread and know it wont go anywhere …i haven’t given up yet but im not really under any illusions that things will “get better” anymore

anyways i’m sorry for the boo hoo wah woe is me wahhhh moment im just so sick and tired of this relentless shit

[whoseafraidofliloleme]

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐒𝐥𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐓𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐬 22: 𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐞𝐨𝐣𝐢 𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐀𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧.

Written Chapter.

Word Count: 766.

You still remember the first time you ever came into Harabeoji’s office. You were a scared little girl and there was this old man, telling you he was your harabeoji, that your parents were not really your parents. And that you were the Lost Park you’d heard about in passing.

Being back in his office, was not a good thing. You could only guess what your harabeoji wanted to shout at you about today. You almost wished you'd just answered his texts. Then you wouldn’t be forced into this face-to-face meeting. It was much harder to fight your point when you could see the disappointment and anger on Harabeoji’s face. Yet here you were ready to hear your harabeoji tell you how you’ve disappointed him and failed to live up to the Park name.

“Your results are unacceptable; how did you go from the top of your grade to now only being in the top ten?” Harabeoji asked you but before you could even answer he carried on speaking.

“I will tell you how this happened, that tutor of yours, Yang Jungwon and his friends. All of them are ruining you, they are ruining the reputation you have. It is bad enough that you refuse to publicly acknowledge that you are the youngest Park but these ruffians will be the reason you amount to nothing Park YN” Harabeoji said looking at you with the usual look of disappointment and anger. The only two emotions that harabeoji seemed to have when you were around.

“If I could defend myself, I am still at the top of my grade. Being in the top ten will still get me into any of the top universities in Korea and around the world. Just because I am not killing myself to be number 1 does not mean I have stopped working hard.” You said, trying to not look at harabeoji and see his reactions to what you were saying to him, you saw him open his mouth and you cut him off.

“Also Wonnie and his friends have nothing to do with ruining my reputation. If anything thanks to them Ive become more approachable and they help bringing me out of my shell so I will not stop being friends with them” You said still not looking at harabeoji but looking over his shoulder at some point on the wall.

“When will you stop disappointing me Park Yn, this rebellious streak of yours has gone on for too long, I will not deal with it any longer. You’ve already made a mess of your engagement with Hwang Hyunjin and now you continue to embarrass me in school with how you act. I do not ask for much, I am your harabeoji, all I want is for you to reach your potential and grow but here you are not listening to me and acting out in this way” Harabeoji said. You didn’t know how to feel with what he said, how do you even reply to that.

You had to distance yourself from Hyunjin and that had done wonders for your mental state. Rebelling, was it really rebellion if the truth was that you now felt comfortable enough to show others your true self, not just your family and best friends. Was there even a middle ground to be found with your harabeoji.

He wanted you to be like your siblings, but you weren’t like them, you didn’t want to be like them. You loved them for the crazy weirdos they were and you were just as crazy and weird as them but just on the quieter side.

You had no response, you didn’t know what to say. With the lack of response, harabeoji had carried on his diatribe about how he did so much for you and yet your behaviour was a slap to the face to him. Nothing you hadn’t heard harabeoji say to you before. Though silver lining was probably that this time he wasn’t screaming at you.

Not that you were listening, unlike the other times, this time, you were letting Harabeoji’s words wash over you. Sure you still wanted him to be proud of you but you were starting, slowly to understand that his expectations were something you would never reach because they weren’t expectations for you.

Oh no, harabeoji’s expectations were for the person he wanted you to be. By that logic, you were out here doing your best and that made your siblings happy and at the end of the day that is all you wanted.

<Previous. Masterlist.

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Summary: Being the introvert in a family of extroverts is hard but Park YN is used to it. What she isn't used to is being noticed by the most popular boy in her class, Yang Jungwon.

Pairing: Yang Jungwon x F! Reader.

Taglist: OPEN. @woncheecks @fallingforya @maimoirs Send an Ask/Reply to be added to the Taglist.

Permanent Taglist: @honeyhuii @chirokookie @nyxtwixx @clar-iii @centheodd @prdxinvade @hiqhkey @junnniiieee07 @love-4-keum @acciomylove @sproutswonies @youkwim @kpoplover718 @anotherimaginesaccount @ashxxgyu @bubblytaetae @strwberrydinosaur @xiaoderrrr @shinkenprincess-oh

So what do we think??? It's been a hot minute since I wrote a fully written chapter in my smaus, so let me know how horrible it is. Thoughts and opinions please.

[v-anrouge]

i think you're a real artist. who is the artist if not their pain, and who know it so very well? who is the artist if not the one with no mouth and the agonizing scream bubbling up in their throat? who is the artist if not the one who feels their passion turn into a poisonous thing that slowly eats corrodes them from the inside out? i felt that way for a whole year; i thought my very identity had been taken away from me when i couldn't draw. it wasn't just the time. it was all i stood for and all i was and all i had ever known and all i wanted. fuck, who even is the guy in the mirror staring back at me? the one who can't do anything? any thing at all? the one who wastes away? who am i without the joy and pain of creation? id rather be tragically something than tragically nothing. am i doomed for a life of disappointing nothingness and this eternal desire underneath my skin that i can't get out, no matter how much i tear myself apart? i eventually got out of that rut, of course, because here i am with an art blog. point is, ill never forget just how much it affects someone. i can't imagine how it must be for you, but i can understand. you are an artist as much as the next because it is the agonizing pain and passion in us that makes us so good at what we do. doubting yourself feels the most natural thing to do when times are rough-- but ill always hope for and believe in you, that you will one day attain the catharsis you need.

- c

GOD STOP MAKING ME VRY PELASE this ask is so relatable to me. i spent an entire year being unable to create anything at all like i would pick up a pencil and all i could do was try to make something find it repulsive and then punish myself for not bejng s proper artist even though ive been drawing and animating literally my entire life, mh art hasn't improved at all, it make some feel ashamed, because im so old yet my art looks so bad and i can't even finish a fucking piece properly i need to set a whole ass mood and need to try my best to stay focused and i fail 99% of the time and ugh im sick of it. i was so sure art was dead to me, but i just keep coming back to it i hate it

[panicv0mit]

seeing the netflixvania posting im so fucking sorry. ive yet to watch it (will suffer through it with my friend who, like myself, is also a long time castlevania fan) and this is like. seeing a forest go up in flames and deciding to walk in anyway.

my expectations were low but it seems i'll have to set them even lower. what have they done to my favorite belmont

My netflixvania posting is but a crumb compared to all the shit I got stored in my brain but if I started rambling it would never end (except I am gonna ramble a lil bit now) spoilers (?) incoming.

Let me just say that the first 2 seasons of netflixvania were actually pretty good, I loved the final fight in season 2. It was FINE, it ended on a decent note, opened the door for the other Belmonts to step in etc etc........and that's not what they did at all. They just HAD to make 2 more fucking seasons and those had MAJOR issues between the severe mischaracterization of Hector and Alucard (I COULD GO ON AND ON ABOUT HECTOR ALONE) and disgusting unnecessary SA scenes...it was fucking abysmal. And you know what? It hurt to watch like genuinely. Everything that could have gone wrong in a show did go wrong. I liked Isaac's story, Sypha and Trevor were fine. But the horrible writing could not hold the show together at all. I was RELIEVED when it ended but OOPS SORRY!!!! AT THE VERY END THEY LET DRACULA PASS ON WITH HIS WIFE!!!!!!!! HEEHEE!!!!! HOOOHOO!!! Let me ask you a question. Walk with me here, friend. What is the story of castlevania? Who are they fighting? If you answered Dracula, then you're correct.

I'm not saying you have to keep resurrecting the same villain over and over again, HOWEVER. Dracula is a ginormous part of Richter's story. THAT'S THE WHOLE THING!!! BELMONTS VS DRACULA!!!! AND THEN ALUCARD WAKES THE FUCK UP AND IS LIKE AW SHIT THE CASTLE IS BACK!!!! They literally locked themselves out of TWO storylines!!!!! There will be no rondo, no symphony. They are using the characters in name ONLY. and it fucking BLOWS. I was actually somewhat excited to see the new series, I wanted to see Richter really bad he's my GUY....and then the reality set in and I'm wait a minute....NO...NOOO NOOOOOO!!!!!! bc I knew in my heart they were gonna fumble and fuck up severely. And they ARE! I am THREE episodes in and I have felt NOTHING, the show just isn't doing it for me. The pacing is fucking weird, dialogue feels unnatural sometimes, and the overall story is just.. meh. Especially with Richter. If Annette was the only main character, I wouldn't be so disappointed bc her part is really the only one that matters, it's clear she has more of a focus put on her instead and THATS OKAY! but for us Richter fans it feels so empty, he as a character in this show feels like fucking wet cardboard. They're giving him NOTHIN. That's not him at all. It feels off everything feels wrong. The first episode was the worst so far. There was no set up, no slow pacing, just them going from plot point to plot point like they were checking off a list. It all plays out, in my opinion, like if someone was fucking around in AI dungeon and trying to make their own castlevania. That's how unnatural things feel at times. As I'm writing this I'm like losing train of thought like what am I even saying I HAVE NO IDEA. At the end of the day, it's just a huge let down. My expectations were low and initially watching it isn't THAT bad, but when I sit down and let my mind simmer on it...I just get kinda sad. Why do they keep letting ppl who clearly don't know anything about castlevania in general write these shows. I don't feel passion from it. It shows horribly. I don't wanna see another one after this but no they've already confirmed season 2 and Alucard is gonna roll up and they're gonna do whatever the fuck idk. I'm gonna go play curse of darkness and symphony of the night and make out with my wife Hector or somethin

[0verdr4matic]

random lil summer rant

TW: mention of "sewerslide" thoughts and $h

School was kicking my ass during the summer too. I was taking math courses during summer school to be in an advanced math class for better opportunities and whatnot but that just fucking killed me. I felt so lost and alone in everything. I self isolated and rarely went out as well. I felt so unmotivated that i didnt even complete another assignment that I was supposed to finish for an AP course I'm taking.

I feel so stupid. I hate everything about myself. My relapse in depression has only made me lazier and hate myself more. I feel so completely invalid. I even had thoughts of actually going through with some sort of "plan" and when I told a friend all I got was a "damn" which y'know touchy subject but it still hurt. I feel so overdramatic in everything. I feel so lazy. I feel as though I'm just a complete waste. Today was seemingly a good day and tomorrow is not looking so good.

I'm about 105 days clean and yet everyday, all I ever want to is harm myself. Just let everything out. I miss how it felt, physically and mentally. Cutting was how I regulated myself. I miss it so much. I miss that it kept me calm (most of the time). I miss seeing all those red slashes because it made me feel like I had control. I could think clearly. I could handle the stress. Cutting doesnt hurt anyone but me and thats the point, why is it even so demonized? Writing this makes me want to pick it up again so badly but I at least want to be clean when I see my therapist again.

I cant even tell her what Im feeling or anyone because they're required to tell someone. I cant handle the disappointment from my mother. All this over some stupid packet. All this ranting because I was so damn lazy. I feel like such an attention seeker right now. I feel so lazy. I feel like such a disappointment. I cried at my own birthday party because there I was, literally researching the most effective ways to try and off myself. That feels so childish. Ive never attempted either (and I know people who have) so I always felt like such an attention seeker everytime I tried to look into it.

I'm not prepared for the pretty much ensured terrible grade I'll get tomorrow. I have no excuse. What can I say? "Hey I had mental health issues, mainly me wanting to off myself or relapse" ??? Im just lazy. I deserve all the bad thoughts. I've deserved the bad thoughts since 3rd grade. I'm not prepared to face my failure. I know the future is not set in stone and I can change it, I want to work hard, but how can I if I already lost so much of myself during the BREAK!!!!