#and yes this shit is DAILY we live in the same house

[jellycreamjammedart]

man i probably could make a stable living wage if i got paid everytime my mom bugs and calls me over to help her with her freaking phone and especially her freaking facebook, like an it guy

[3liza]

I feel very defensive about the "goth is bougie" shit because it is historically incorrect, yes, but also and more personally, because it just erases the generations of goth kids who grew up in trailer parks and project housing or just straight up homeless, helping each other out.

it's specifically such a supportive subculture for poor and neglected kids and I really fucking hate that this has been revised and erased. juggalos and goths are very culturally close and many subcultural people are both, and juggalos have the same (and, I would argue, even better defined) culture of collective support. the Skids in Letterkenny are not made up for the show, that's just a real type of rural subcultural person. this has also been forgotten in the interim but in the 90s and 00s we didn't even really refer to OURSELVES as "goths" very much except in a joking way. goths had regional endonyms (like "skids" or "trenchies") even if they could all go to a convention or a club in a city and in that context be all called "goths" together, once they went back home they would go back to being whatever the locals called them or whatever they called themselves. this is a whole linguistics and sociology subtopic that's out of scope for a Tumblr post but is sort of related.

my point is that people who wore actual rags, and sharpie instead of nail polish, and wet n wild eyeliner instead of black lipstick, and dyed their hair with markers or food coloring or kool-aid, were and are the core of the goth scene. the majority of the pictures the mallgoth blogs are posting are from catalogs, fashion shows, costume events, yearly balls and fetes like Wave Gothik Treffen, and other places where people save up literally all year, or many years in a row, to put together ONE outfit. and there's nothing wrong with that, personally I'm proud and pleased that our hard work is being recognized and preserved. but just like formal studio photographs from the Victorian era, it is not representative of the daily or even weekly (for clubs) reality of people in the scene, some of whom were completely out of goth clothing during the day or week just to fit in at work or sometimes just to get along without being bothered at home by family members who thought the Cure was Satanic.

the people who RUN the scenes, the promoters and DJs and gogo dancers and independent designers and people who run the mailing lists and websites, the people who organize the room parties at conventions, and yes even most of the original Burning Man camps like Thunderdome, they mostly live in poverty. especially if they're young. when people organize club nights and shows, they're lucky if they break even. I wasn't aware of any of this until I started working at DNA Lounge in San Francisco, which hosts one of the oldest goth nights in the country, Death Guild. I got to know the owner of DNA well enough to find out about the financial reality of the entire scene, even the people who own the means of production and the actual property in this case, and it's not lucrative. I mean, it sometimes is, if you're running a bar for normal people and have investment captain etc, but the majority of legit subculture economics is just barely breaking even. every single event is 90% volunteer labor.

the issue of labor is maybe the confusing thing for the zoomers who are confused. goth outfits take actual physical work. maybe the Aspirational Spectacle of Labor that makes up most of TikTok has made it appear unreal to the audience rather than something you can just sit down and do?

it takes forty seconds to make the fishnet tights into a shirt. you don't need instructions, you really can just look at it and figure it out. then you think, hm, if I can make fishnets into a shirt I wonder what other things I can turn into something else. your brain will amaze you. my mom would save her tights from her formal work outfits for me when they got holes or whatever and I would just go crazy with scissors and safety pins. lots of young designers are getting attention for this layered, tights-n-pins look at the moment and it really is a fantastic aesthetic but I wonder if people think there's something special about the people who make these clothes? there isn't. you can just do it at home while you watch trashy youtubes.

one time, around 2008 or so, @gothiccharmschool and I were at the photoshoot for tabletop RPG Unhallowed Metropolis. we were there with a bunch of local goths to all make the pictures for this book together. we had all brought tons of our costumes from home to cobble together outfits for the book illustrations, and there was a moment when I just handed Jilli a pile of black skirts and some pins and said hey Jilli, could you please make me up a bustle skirt for this model real quick while I shoot these other models? and of course she did, and they were beautiful, because she knows exactly what she's doing, and because that's all a bustle is: it's a way of bunching up a skirt with another skirt. you can do it at home. you don't need instructions or to hire a seamstress or watch a video. you can just look at something and say hm does it look like a bustle? let's drape it and play with it and pin whatever works. and then you wear it for the photoshoot, or to the club!!! and then next week you pin it a different way and it's a cape instead and you wear it again!!!!!!!

[alexjcrowley]

I am on episode 2 of season 2 of Kevin Can Fuck Himself and there is something I have to say because it's breaking my heart. And it's about Allison. Look, I know- we all know- she's far from perfect: she is messy, impulsive, she can be manipulative, controlling, she often lies, puts others in danger in order to save herself without thinking twice; you could say she emotionally blackmails Patty into looking into Tammy's notebook, the first thing she does after hitting Neil with a boiler is making sure she can pretend she was making tea with that rather being like "Oh shit I may have killed my friend's brother". I know about all of this, we all know.

But I still can't in my heart root against her or understand people who root against her because in this show there's not one fucking person who actually tries to help her escape her abusive marriage. It doesn't matter if they see Allison's and Kevin's marriage from the outside, or if they're present during acts of abuse or if they hear Allison scream in their face she needs to get out, they don't care about her.

Patty is the first important character to know about the abuse first-hand and because Allison explains it to her that she is being abused, that Kevin is trapping her, stripping her of possessions, of ways to leave him, of her life. And Patty does help Allison, a lot, because they're sort of trapped together in the same mess, but there hasn't been a moment yet in which Patty goes "Yeah we are going to help you leave your husband". You would think, in a perfect worldn after Patty actually takes into consideration the abuse she has seen Allison go through she would be like "Okay, my first priority may be sorting my own shit with Oxy, but after that we're getting you out of that house." No. If Allison didn't push to get out, in ways that may be questionable and exploitative of others, for sure, Patty wouldn't be the one to say "let's get you out of there".

Allison speaks to Sam. What does Sam says? That Kevin's an idiot. He doesn't want to get Allison out of town because he recognises that leaving the city, putting physical distance between her and her husband, may be the only way for her to escape abuse. He wants to live some sort of love dream, that seemed to me as much - if not more- about leaving his wife's overbearing family as it was about being with Allison. And when she doesn't want to run away with him, he is not interested in helping with her situation anymore. He refuses to give her a job, which strips her away for the little economic autonomy she could have had, and it's not like he says something like "but I'll look out if there are other places that are hiring...". And yes, I do understand that she often acted unfairly towards him, that she always had the emotional upper hand on their relationship, dictating its terms every time. But that doesn't cancel out the constant and apparently inescapable abuse she is submitted to in her daily life. She still needs help for that.

What about when she confronts Neil? Neil who knows what's going on. Neil who has often taken part in that abuse, who has fawned the flame at every given opportunity and knows what kind of guy Kevin really is? He berates her for always whining. But yeah, what can you expect from the guy who was going to kill her.

And Diane seems to function as this idea of what Allison may become if she doesn't do anything a put her marriage, she is the wife who is more or less totally submitted to her husband and doesn't even rebel anymore, doesn't even think she has a right to rebel. So of course someone who has grown so accostumed to abuse to believe it is the norm is not going to help Allison get out of her abusive relationship.

And really everybody until the point I have watched (ep2 s2)- every random side characters who has witnessed Allison's abusive relationship, has heard about it from her or has had a hint that there was something off about that relationship: the police officer who stopped Allison and Patty, Nick, the PI- didn't give a single fuck about it. None of them thought "maybe I should help her, maybe I should do something." Not even a little thing, not even, fuck, spare her from one of Kevin's insults just once.

When Allison says she tried to kill herself (which is understandable, given her situation, given that death might be the only way out), Patty tells her "You're playing the victim." No shit, she is the victim. Yeah, even if she acts shitty towards people, even if she often acts selfishly (in self-preservation, may I add, since nobody else seems interested in preserving her otherwise), she is still the fucking victim. And nobody wants to recognise it and, even when they do, nobody wants do anything about it.

Everybody would be more than fine if she kept bearing the abuse in silence.

"Well, if she didn't act so shitty all of the time and if she settled for a less questionable solution than killing her husband, maybe people would sympathize more with her and want to help her-" It doesn't fucking matter. It's not a victim's duty to look palatable or innocent enough so that they may deserve help. Her husband's compromised most of her jobs, forced her to move in with him, and he's more than ready to call the cops on her when she tugs on her leash just enough for him to get a sense she may be sipping away and there are people debating that if she only were nicer about her life being taken away from her own hands maybe someone would feel like doing something.

It breaks my fucking heart that the abuse she suffers from her husband is the core of the show, going by the title alone, and nobody does a thing to help her. Nobody. Nobody gives a fuck if she lives or die or she isn't seen anymore or if Kevin buries her in the backyard or he keeps her chained at home or nobody hears from her anymore. And I know- as Sam said in one of the first episodes, I believe, and as it was explained in Ted Lasso- that a victim may still be held accountable for the relationships they pulled out from; that it doesn't matter the reason, if you disappear from your friends's life all of a sudden you're going to hurt them, so let's say Allison alienated all of her former friends, because they all thought she was a bitch and it was 100% a conscious choice of her to abandon them.

There are still so many people in the show that overlook what she is going through. It reminds me of that scene from "Why Women Kill", when April goes on her "I Hate People Who Look The Other Way" monologue, about her mother being abused, and everybody in the family knowing it, and nobody doing anything.

I feel that's what everybody does in this show. They look the other way. They don't care. Only if Allison shouts and goes crazy and tries to kill herself or her husband they deign her of a minimum of attention, and even after that Allison being in very real danger is always the least important matter. Everybody in that show has their own interest to look after, but that's not an excuse. There, I said it, that's not an excuse. That's not enough.

Fuck do I know that you can't take care of everything, that you can't solve every world issues, but if in front of you you see someone who needs help, who is begging for help, you can see them and you turn in a blind eye then what. What are we doing as people. Everybody saw Allison being abused, everybody knows and fucking nobody does anything. Helping eachothers out is all that we were put on earth to do. And none of them, none of them decides to mind his own business because they don't know how to help, they believe they could make things worse- they just don't want to. They don't want to help and they don't care. I don't know who would be sad if Allison died by Kevin's hands, what I do know is that none of them would certainly be sad enough to move a finger for her.

You think Allison is self-serving? Show me a selfless character in this show. The closest we get to this seems to be Patty- who I like, she's probably my favourite character, and she does a lot for Allison, but if Allison didn't one day decided Kevin deserved his life to be taken away more than hers she would not have done a thing.

Allison's not perfect, I very much know. She often acts in bad ways, she takes bad decisions. But I don't think any of the other characters have a right to judge what she does while they were busy looking the other way.

[notiddygothgf]

22. Next Lifetime

★ pairings: aki hayakawa x fem reader

★ ❝ I've never actually been on a date before. ❞

★ c.w.: sap

★ a/n: ik its a day earlyyyy I COULDNT HELP MYSELF GRRRAHHHHH!!!! okay i dont have too much to say about this one. i'm waiting on my chilis order from grubhub rn #unilife. anyway. enjoyyy! comment!!! let me know what yall think!! more at the end

★ w.c: .7k

shameless ; chapter index

TWO MONTHS LATER

YOU WERE DOING your daily chores when the news came. Same as any other day, you made the trek down the stairwell and into the lobby of the apartment complex, keys in hand. You set out in search of Aki’s mailbox, in search of the mail. It was something small, totally insignificant when compared to the many, many things he did for you, but it was something. He wouldn’t take your money to help with bills, after all, so it was the least you could do to help around the house.

Yes, you had been living with Aki in his apartment since the divorce papers had been signed (You swore your life didn’t revolve around the divorce, that you had other things going for you, but you had soon begun to refer to different points in time as being either “before the divorce” or “after the divorce). 

Lips pursed, you stuck the key into the lock beneath his name and pulled the slot open. There were a few letters, some thicker than others, some promotional shit, too. You tucked the envelopes beneath your arm and locked the box again.

Then you began the commute back up the stairs. Remarkable, truly – you were getting out of shape. Your calves burned by the time you were halfway up the second flight of stairs. There was a saying about happy relationships and putting on weight, but you decided to pretend it didn’t cross your mind.

You see, you and Aki weren’t exactly in a relationship, you just… weren’t not in one. Sure, you exchanged “I love you”s and kisses, and he had given you a key to his apartment. Sure, you had moved your wardrobe into his closet (something he regretted allowing you to do), and the two of you had a designated night in where you watched soap operas and ordered in. Life was easy with Aki, easier than it had ever been with Tanimoto. If he cooked, you cleaned, and vice versa. And, sure, the two of you made love nearly every day, murmuring words of affection into each other's mouths, but you weren’t in an official relationship.

Aki had hinted at it, but you just… well, you weren’t ready to put a label on things so soon after the divorce. Perhaps some part of you felt as if labeling whatever it was that you and Aki had would make it disappear. 

Even if the two of you acted like a married couple – right down to settling into bed at night when you were rambling about your day and Aki had a book propped up in his lap – you weren’t really dating. Just… together.

You knew it was stupid because, for all intents and purposes, what you had with Aki was a relationship. In fact, when you opened the apartment door and kicked off your shoes in the foyer, he just so happened to be walking past with the laundry, and backtracked to place a kiss on your forehead.

“We got mail?” He asked over his shoulder, already receding into the laundry room. The scent of detergent wafted behind him, tickled your nostrils, the scent of home.

“A few letters and some junk mail,” You corrected. Routing your mail to Aki’s apartment had been no easy feat, but it was certainly better than going back to that house and facing your ex-husband. Well… soon-to-be ex-husband.

He called out to you, “Let me know if there’s anything for me in there.”

With a smile, you stumbled into the kitchen, setting the envelopes down on the counter with a hum. In the living room, Denji and Power were playing Uno with the deck you had left Denji all those nights ago. How they managed to make the game fun when there were only two of them playing, you didn’t know, but as long as they weren’t getting in Aki’s way, you supposed it was harmless. When the former of the two saw you, he perked up.

“Hey,” He greeted you – it was something you had been working on with him… his manners. 

“Hey, you two,” You replied, sighing and rolling your shoulders back with a crack. “Any news on what we’re doing for dinner?”

Power peeked up from her hand of cards, giving you a nonchalant shrug. It was amazing, truly, how quickly the two of them settled down when they were competing with one another. Denji did something similar.

With a nod, you turned back to the mail on the counter, beginning to card through them. Some familiar names came up. Most of the envelopes were addressed to Aki. Still, you continued to flick through them until one caught your eye – one addressed to you.

The High Court of Tokyo

1 Chome 1-4 Kasumigaseki, Chiyoda City,

Tokyo 100-8933, Japan

Your heart dropped to the floor. This is it. It has to be.

The envelope felt impossibly light in your hands, but it might as well have been a lead weight pressing into your palms. Your name was printed neatly across the front, the return address staring back at you in bold, inescapable letters.

The High Court of Tokyo.

Your stomach twisted. You swallowed, but your throat was dry, tight, like you had forgotten how to breathe properly.

This is it.

Or at least, it might be.

You had waited so long for this moment, imagined it over and over again in your mind—what it would feel like to finally hold the answer in your hands. But now that it was here, the reality of it settled differently, heavier, like a stone lodged in your chest.

Your fingers trembled against the crisp paper, creasing the edge slightly. You should open it. Just tear the damn thing open and get it over with. But your hands wouldn’t move.

What if it didn’t go through?

The thought struck hard and fast, curling around your ribs and squeezing.

What if something was wrong? What if they found a reason to deny it?

Maybe there was a missing signature. Maybe some technicality buried in the legal jargon kept it from being finalized. Maybe Tanimoto had—

You inhaled sharply, cutting the thought off before it could fully form. He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t have done anything to stop it. He had been just as eager to be rid of you as you had been to be rid of him. But still… the fear remained, irrational but suffocating.

Because what if you opened this letter and found yourself still tethered to him?

You had done everything right—filed the paperwork, followed every instruction to the letter. And still, some part of you refused to believe it could be over so easily.

You never even had to step inside a courtroom. You never had to sit across from him, never had to hear a judge dissect the remains of your marriage. In a way, that had made it easier. And in a way, that had made it worse. The waiting, the uncertainty—it had stretched endlessly, leaving you caught in limbo, still technically his wife, still not free.

And now, the answer was in your hands.

You exhaled, unsteady, and pressed your thumb beneath the flap of the envelope.

Your hands wouldn’t stop shaking. Slowly, squeezing your eyes shut as you did so, you pried neat seal of the envelope open, fishing out a pristine, white piece of folded paper. Carefully, like it would vanish, you opened it.

IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF TOKYO, JAPAN

[ ____  Yoshiro] (Plaintiff)   vs.   Tanimoto Yoshiro (Defendant)

Civil Action

Case Number #3456AH78

FINAL JUDGEMENT AND DECREE OF DIVORCE INCORPORATING SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT

Upon careful consideration of this case, upon evidence submitted as provided by law, it is the judgement of the Court of Tokyo that a total divorce be granted between the parties to this case. It is hereby ordered that the marriage contract entered into between both parties is hereby set aside from this date, and fully dissolved. 

Plaintiff and Defendant in the future shall be held and considered as separate and distinct persons, altogether unconnected by any nuptial union or civil contract whatsoever, and both shall have the right to remarry.

THE COURT FURTHER ORDERS THAT:

1. SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT

The Settlement Agreement detailed in this packet, made between the parties is hereby approved and made a part of this Final Judgement as if fully set forth here. Both parties are ordered to strictly obey all of its terms.

2. RESTORATION OF NAME

The wife’s former name of ______ shall be restored.

3. CHILD SUPPORT GUIDELINES

☑ The case does not determine or modify child support, so policies do not apply.

⛶ The Child Support Addendum, Child Support Worksheet and appropriate schedules have been attached and hereby made a part of this order.

This order, entered on April 20, 1997, officially declares that the marriage between the Plaintiff and the Defendant is legally dissolved.

Hattoro Michio

JUDGE High Court of Tokyo

Gasping, you slapped a hand over your mouth, the letter slipping from your fingers and fluttering onto the countertop. Your other hand gripped the edge of it, knuckles white, as your legs wobbled beneath you.

Your breath hitched, sharp and unsteady. A dizzying wave of emotion crashed over you, so intense it nearly knocked you off balance. It’s over. It’s over. It’s over. The words repeated in your head, over and over, like a mantra, like something you had to force yourself to believe.

Your vision blurred as you stared down at the paper, heart pounding so hard it felt like it might burst from your chest. You had spent months waiting for this moment, months wondering if it would ever really come. The idea of freedom had been just that—an idea, a distant, untouchable thing. And now… now it was real.

The weight you had carried for so long, the invisible chains wrapped tight around your ribs, the lingering presence of his name attached to yours in official documents—gone.

It was surreal. It was over.

“Everything okay, sweetheart?”

Aki’s voice came from somewhere behind you, soft and low with concern. You heard the quiet rustle of fabric, the gentle creak of the laundry room door as he stepped out, but you couldn’t bring yourself to turn around. You couldn’t even speak.

Your hands were still trembling as you reached for the letter and held it out to him. You weren’t sure how you looked—probably a mess, with tears pooling in your eyes, your mouth slightly open like you had forgotten how to form words—but Aki took the paper from your grasp without question.

You watched as his eyes flicked across the page, his brows furrowing at first in confusion, then smoothing out in realization. His lips parted slightly, his shoulders lifting as he inhaled, and then—

“They approved the divorce?”

The disbelief in his voice made your chest tighten. Slowly, you nodded, barely able to hold his gaze. A shaky laugh escaped you, half-sob, half-exhale.

Aki’s eyes softened, his expression shifting into something warm, something knowing. Then, as if the tension in him snapped all at once, he let out a quiet laugh, one that built into something deep and breathy. A smile broke across his face, slow and radiant.

“Oh, baby,” he murmured.

Before you could react, he was on you.

His arms wrapped around you, pulling you flush against his chest, lifting you off the ground effortlessly. You let out a startled squeal, hands instinctively gripping his shoulders, but Aki only laughed, spinning you slightly before setting you down. His lips found your cheeks, your forehead, your nose—every inch of your face that he could reach before finally pressing a deep, lingering kiss to your lips.

Your heart was warm. It was full.

Aki’s hands slid down to your waist, anchoring you against him as he pulled back just enough to murmur, “Congratulations.”

You let out a breathless laugh, shaking your head. “I… I can’t believe it.” You pressed your palms against your face, overwhelmed, your fingers still trembling slightly. “It’s over. I’m—I’m free.”

Aki leaned in again, kissing the corner of your mouth, his hands smoothing up and down your back. “I know, baby. I know.” His voice was quiet, steady, as if he could ground you with just those words alone.

You swallowed, blinking up at him. He brushed a tear from your cheek with his thumb, smiling softly.

Then, his expression shifted—playful, teasing. “Remember when I promised I’d take you to dinner when the divorce was finalized?”

You blinked, caught off guard, before letting out a breathy laugh. “Oh my God. I do.” You shook your head, smiling. “It’s been so long, I nearly forgot about that.”

“Well,” Aki grinned, pressing one last lingering kiss to your forehead before stepping away, “tonight’s the night.”

With that, he turned and made his way to the fridge, tugging the door open. The cool air rushed out, sending a faint chill through the room as he reached inside. A moment later, he straightened, two cold beers in hand.

The caps popped off with a satisfying hiss as he twisted them open, then handed one to you, his fingers brushing against yours.

“To freedom,” he said, raising his bottle slightly, his eyes shining.

You met his gaze, breath catching in your throat. The weight was gone. The past, the pain, the waiting—gone. And in its place, something new. Something yours.

Lifting your bottle, you clinked it gently against his. “To freedom.”

The first sip was cold and crisp, sliding down your throat in a way that felt right. You exhaled, smiling, and when Aki reached out and pulled you into his side, you let yourself sink into him.

For the first time in a long, long time, you felt alive again.

The dress slipped over your body with ease, the fabric cool and smooth against your skin. It had been tucked away for months, untouched since that night—the night you had worn it last, the night everything had changed. The rich color still clung to your frame in just the right way, the hem still sat high enough to tease without revealing too much, and the neckline still dipped low enough to draw Aki’s gaze, just like it had before.

He had gone out a while ago for… well, something. You didn’t ask, figuring it was some part of the surprise he had planned for you.

You smoothed your hands down the material, pressing out invisible wrinkles, taking in the way it hugged your curves. A flicker of memory surfaced—your husband’s scowl when you had first worn it, the way his fingers had dug into your wrist, hard enough to leave marks. Then, later, Aki’s knuckles split and bruised, his breaths ragged in the dim glow of the apartment. The sharp contrast of fear and safety, restraint and freedom, past and present.

Now, standing in Aki’s bedroom, wearing the same dress under very different circumstances, it felt like reclaiming something.

The door behind you creaked open, and before you could even turn, warm hands found your waist.

Aki’s palms smoothed over your sides, slow and deliberate, his fingers spreading over your ribs before sliding higher, just beneath the swell of your breasts. The warmth of his touch seeped through the thin fabric, sending a shiver up your spine.

“This dress,” he murmured, voice low and edged with something dark, something possessive. His lips brushed the shell of your ear, his breath hot against your skin. “You’re a little temptress, you know that?”

You giggled, the sound soft and breathy, but you didn’t move away. Instead, you leaned back slightly into his touch, watching the way his dark eyes flickered over your reflection in the mirror. His gaze was steady, drinking you in, taking his time like he always did. Like he had all the time in the world.

His hands raked up your curves, fingers pressing just enough to make your breath catch. His thumbs skimmed the underside of your breasts before sliding back down, settling once more at your waist.

You swallowed, forcing yourself to focus. “Stop,” you chided, voice lighter than you intended. You swatted at his hands, but it was half-hearted at best. “You’re not supposed to see me before I’m ready.”

Aki chuckled, deep and rich. “Isn’t that a wedding day thing?”

You turned in his arms just enough to point toward the door. “Outttt.”

His smirk widened, but he lifted his hands in mock surrender, taking a slow step back.

“Kicking me out of my own room is crazy, by the way,” he remarked, but he left anyway, closing the door behind him with a quiet click.

You exhaled, pressing your palms against your flushed cheeks.

The restaurant was warm, the soft glow of the low-hanging lights reflecting off the polished wood of the table between you. The hum of quiet conversation and the occasional clink of silverware on porcelain filled the space around you, but your attention was entirely on him—Aki. He looked effortlessly put together tonight, dressed in a sharp jacket that hugged his frame perfectly, the dark color highlighting his lean physique. His hair was styled with a bit more care than usual, falling just right against his forehead, and the cologne he wore—woodsy with a hint of something spicy—lingered in the air around you, drawing your senses in. There was something different about him tonight, something that made your heart flutter in a way you weren’t prepared for.

You couldn’t help but notice how he shifted in his seat, clearly just as aware of you as you were of him. It was rare to see him so… unsure. You couldn’t place the nervous energy that radiated from him, but it was there, a subtle unease that tugged at the corners of his usually confident demeanor.

You leaned forward slightly, resting your elbows on the table, watching as his eyes flicked down to his hands for a moment, a faint blush creeping across his cheeks. “I can officially move out now,” you said, your voice lighter than you felt. The words tasted strange on your tongue—exciting, terrifying, final. The weight of it hung between you, and you could almost feel the tension in the air as he processed it.

Aki’s lips parted, but for a moment, he didn’t say anything. His fingers gripped the edge of the table for a second, almost as if to ground himself. Then, finally, he cleared his throat, forcing his voice to sound steadier than it felt. “I’m happy for you,” he said, his words almost too quick, too eager. “I really am.”

You might’ve believed him if it weren’t for the way his voice caught, the way his gaze flickered toward the floor before quickly shifting away. His ears flushed pink, a rare sight for Aki, and his fingers tapped nervously against the side of his glass. But the glass sat empty between you, untouched for now, the only drink to come was the one the waitress was yet to bring.

You tilted your head, a slow smile tugging at your lips, not missing the signs of his unease. "Helps that I don’t have to worry about that douchebag coming around here anymore," Aki continued, his voice finding its usual confidence. His eyes lifted to meet yours, his mouth curving into a half-smile. “Not that I minded beating his ass.”

You laughed, a soft, genuine sound, and gently kicked him under the table, the small contact sending a little thrill through you. “This is a classy establishment. Hush,” you teased, your eyes sparkling with amusement.

Aki smirked, but there was something more in his expression now—a flicker of something tender and thoughtful that softened his features in a way that left you momentarily breathless. He lowered his gaze again, fiddling with the empty glass between his fingers. “You know…” he began, his voice quieter this time, almost hesitant. “I’ve never actually been on a date before.”

You blinked in surprise. “What?”

Before he could answer, the waitress returned, her soft footsteps a gentle reminder of the passage of time. She set down the bottle of wine you’d ordered earlier, her hands smooth and practiced as she popped the cork with ease. The sound was sharp in the otherwise quiet space, filling the pause between you. She poured the deep red liquid into your glasses with a swift grace before setting the bottle down and stepping away, her presence gone as quickly as it had arrived.

Aki exhaled softly, his fingers still gripping the stem of his glass as he took a long, deliberate sip, his gaze focused on the swirling wine. “Yeah,” he said finally, his words coming slower now. “Never been on a date.”

You narrowed your eyes, searching his face for any hint of joking, but all you saw was sincerity, his usual bravado stripped away in the soft light of the restaurant. You tilted your head, still processing. “Seriously?”

Aki nodded, his eyes briefly meeting yours before flicking away again. His posture had shifted, more vulnerable now, and it was almost as if he didn’t know how to navigate this moment.

You leaned forward slightly, a sense of warmth bubbling up inside you. “So, what do you think so far?” you asked, your voice quiet, almost teasing, but with an undercurrent of something deeper. You weren’t sure if it was curiosity or something else—something that made your pulse quicken as you waited for his response.

His gaze flickered back to yours, and there it was—a softness, a tenderness that made your chest tighten. His eyes lingered on you for a moment, and the faintest of smiles tugged at his lips. “…It’s nice,” he said, his voice low, the words hanging between you in a way that made your stomach flip.

You couldn’t help but smile back, your heart doing a little flip. You lifted your glass, nudging the rim of yours gently against his. “Well, lucky for you, I’m an excellent date.”

Aki chuckled, a soft, genuine sound that made you feel like you were the only two people in the world. He shook his head, his smile growing warmer, his eyes locked on yours with a depth that made everything else fade away. “Yeah,” he said, voice thick with something more than just affection. “I think I figured that out already.”

There was a lengthy pause between the two of you – a moment where the world seemed to narrow down to just you and him. His blue eyes on you, your eyes on him. He loved you – that much was evident in the way he looked at you like he would die if you left.

It was broken only by the sound of Aki clearing his throat. He reached for the stem of his wine glass. Then, he added, “Well… It’s with no small amount of satisfaction that I say this, but I would like to make a toast.”

You wore the brightest smile that evening, one that only widened as you lifted your own glass into the air.

Aki took a deep breath, his eyes lowering for a moment as if gathering his thoughts. The silence felt heavier now, but only in the best way—as though the world was holding its breath, waiting for the significance of his next words to land. “It’s been a hell of a ride with you. Legally, emotionally, whatever the hell else, but…” His voice trailed off, and he glanced up at you, his lips parting slightly as if he was trying to find the right thing to say. “You got through it.”

You blinked, feeling a warmth spread across your chest. His words, simple but laden with meaning, made you feel as though the weight of the past few months—years, even—was finally being acknowledged. Aki had been there for you through everything, more than a friend, more than someone to lean on. He had been a constant, a reassuring presence that helped you get through the darkest parts of your life. And now, as you sat here with him, it felt like the finality of it all had truly sunk in.

A laugh bubbled up from your chest, unexpected but free, a sound that seemed to surprise you just as much as it might have surprised him. “Don’t make me cry, ‘cause I will,” you said softly, your eyes meeting his.

His expression softened, and for a moment, the usual teasing gleam in his eyes dimmed, replaced with something far more tender. “I’m proud of you. I really am,” he said, his voice a little quieter now, more sincere. “I hope you know that I’m so, so fucking proud of you.”

I just told him not to make me cry.

Your smile deepened, warmth spreading through you at his words – tears prickling at the corners of your eyes. You nodded, trying to convey in that simple motion just how much it meant to hear him say that. There was no one else whose opinion mattered more to you than Aki’s. 

No one else who had stood by your side the way he had. No one else who knew you so completely, inside and out. His approval, his pride, was everything.

“That being said,” he sighed, “Today… we’re not here to talk about me. We’re here to talk about you finally untying the knot with that miserable, abusive asshole you called a husband.”

You couldn’t help but warm at his words. Aki had always been straightforward, never one to sugarcoat anything, but hearing him say it so bluntly—so protectively—made your heart swell. It had been a long, painful road to this point, and every step had felt like an eternity. But now, here you were, sitting across from Aki, in the aftermath of it all, and you couldn’t help but feel like you were standing on the edge of something new, something worth moving toward.

Aki’s eyes sparkled with mischief, and you saw that familiar grin tug at the corners of his mouth. “So… let’s cut to the chase,” he continued, his voice more playful now, though there was still a layer of seriousness beneath it. “To new beginnings, newfound happiness, and newfound freedom.” He raised his glass, his gaze meeting yours with a depth that made your chest tighten. “Your new life begins here.”

You felt something stir within you at those words, a sense of anticipation, of excitement for what was to come. You opened your mouth to speak, to add something to the moment, but instead, the words caught in your throat as a rush of emotion overwhelmed you. This was it. This was the start of everything.

You lifted your glass with a soft chuckle, correcting him gently, “Our new life.”

Aki’s eyes widened, and for a moment, he looked taken aback, as if he hadn’t expected that. Then, a flush spread across his cheeks, a deep shade of red creeping up to his ears. He laughed breathlessly, his smile widening. “To freedom,” he said, his voice thick with emotion.

You clinked your glasses together, the sound of the glass meeting glass a brief, sharp note that seemed to echo through the room. Your heart raced as you took a drink, savoring the rich flavor of the wine as it slid smoothly down your throat.

“To freedom,” you echoed, your voice steady despite the rush of emotions flooding through you.

Aki took a long sip of his drink, his eyes never leaving yours, his gaze filled with something you couldn’t quite name. It was affection, yes, but there was more there, something deeper, something that made your pulse quicken in the silence that followed. He set his glass down carefully, his fingers lingering on the stem for a moment longer than necessary. The air between you was thick with unspoken words, the kind that both of you had danced around for so long, the kind that felt like it might finally be safe to speak.

Aki shifted in his seat, his expression more open than it had been before. He leaned forward slightly, his voice softer now, as though speaking a little more intimately. “You deserve this. All of it,” he said, his words coming slower, each one carefully considered. “I know it’s been a hell of a ride, but you’ve earned it. Every damn bit of it.”

A knot in your chest loosened, and you couldn’t help but smile at him. “I couldn’t have done it without you,” you said, your voice thick with gratitude.

Aki’s eyes softened, his lips curling into a gentle smile. “You look beautiful tonight. Did I tell you that?” he remarked. 

You shrugged, cheesing from ear to ear, “Yeah, but I wouldn’t mind hearing it again.”

And then, for a moment, you both sat there, letting the weight of everything you had been through, everything you had shared, settle around you. 

Here’s to new beginnings.

After dinner, when the two of you were sufficiently drunk, you walked back home with him. Hand in hand, gazes trained on eachother, you walked onward. You were knee-deep in some story about something Denji had done earlier today – he damn near started a house fire trying to cook some scrambled eggs. Seriously. Like, the eggs were a black crust all over the pan by the time you had managed to pull the smoking thing off the burner.

“And he tells me, get this–” You waved your hand around animatedly, emphasizing your point, “Eggs kind of look like boobs, dont’cha think?”

Aki shook his head and laughed – a sound you weren’t entirely sure you would ever truly get over. His eyes almost seemed to twinkle beneath the moonlight, or maybe that was just the love in them. Perhaps his heart sang, too, whenever the two of you were together.

On the empty street, it was dead silent, save for the sound of your heels click-clacking against the pavement. He swung your clasped hands forward, then backward, humming some tune you couldn’t quite place. When he looked up, the streetlamp cast a warm glow over his pretty face – drunken pink tint making him look a little more tipsy than you had remembered him being.

His cheeks were flushed, pink from the wine and the cold, and it made him look even more beautiful than usual. There was something tender in his expression, his gaze soft as it flicked back to you, his smile lingering longer than it had before.

"He also told me– the other day, I forgot to tell you, but–" Aki added, breaking into the laughter that was still bubbling between you two. "He was like– how come you and your girlfriend smoke the same cigs? That’s lame. Like he’s one to talk."

You burst out into laughter at that, the sound echoing down the empty street. It was rare for the two of you to have a moment like this without Denji and the others around, your friends who had their own strange way of complicating things. But tonight, it was just you and Aki, the world narrowing down to the two of you, and you couldn’t remember the last time you had felt so... good.

(Except for the night before, when Aki made you cum so hard you passed out)

"Oh my god," you giggled, shaking your head as the humor washed over you. "Isn’t that comin’ from the guy who has a half-naked model taped to his ceiling?"

Aki’s laughter was low, but it was there, bubbling beneath the surface of his words as he let out a soft chuckle. His thumb traced small circles over your hand as you walked side by side, the distance between you shrinking with every step. You could feel the warmth of his body against yours as the night air seemed to cool even more. The sound of your footsteps echoed louder now, as if the world was tuning in to your conversation.

But then, just as you were about to add something to the story, Aki suddenly stopped, his hand still holding yours. You looked up at him, surprised by the sudden halt. His gaze was trained on the moon now, his eyes distant, as if something in the quiet sky had drawn his attention.

"Everything okay?" you asked, instinctively taking a step closer to him, your brow furrowing in concern. His face was still illuminated by the soft lamplight, his expression unreadable for the first time all night.

"Yeah," he sighed, his voice carrying a weight you weren’t used to hearing. He scratched at the back of his neck nervously, clearly unsure of how to continue. “I wanted to ask you something. I don’t know if the timing’s right or—just…”

Oh my god.

Is this it?

Your heart skipped a beat, your eyes widening as you looked up at him, searching his face for clues, trying to piece together what he meant. The air between you both suddenly felt thicker, the hum of the world fading as your focus narrowed. You weren’t sure what he was about to say, but everything in you was on high alert.

No, it can’t be.

"Fuck it," Aki muttered with a soft exhale, his eyes closing for just a moment as he gathered himself. When they opened again, his gaze was full of something raw, something you weren’t entirely prepared for.

Your pulse quickened. You held your breath. He was so close now, closer than he had ever been before, and the tension between you felt like something tangible. "Aki, what—"

"I... I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, and I know this might not be the best time, but I can’t just keep pretending I don’t feel it anymore." Before you could finish the sentence, he cut you off, his voice low, the words hanging in the cold night air like they were both a confession and a plea, “These past months with you have been the best of my life. I mean that. My life didn’t have meaning before you came into it.”

He swallowed, then, like it hurt him to do so, and released a shaky breath. “I lived for the sole purpose of exterminating the Gun Devil, but now I live for you– your smile– I love you… more than I can really put into words.”

You looked at him. He held your gaze – if only for a moment – before turning away and glancing into the empty street. Furrowing his brows, face flushing a little bit more, he added, “So, look… I know we Devil Hunters aren’t long for this world… and I probably can’t promise you a lifetime together, but… I wanted to– uh… to say this anyway.”

Spit it out, you thought.

But, then, when he reached into his jacket pocket and produced a little jewelry box, your breath hitched – released when you saw the beautiful necklace inside. It was gold. It had an intricate chain and a pretty little ruby wrapped in gold at the bottom. It was… well, it was perfect.

His gaze was back on you now, unwavering, and despite the uncertainty that flickered behind his eyes, there was a certain steadiness to it that left you breathless. He took a step closer, the space between you narrowing even further. His hand, still holding yours, tightened just a fraction, as if anchoring you both in this moment.

“I want to be with you,” Aki said, his voice low but filled with an intensity that sent a shiver down your spine. “Like, really be with you, this time.”

The words hung in the air, heavy and full of everything unspoken between you. They felt like a promise, like a culmination of everything you had been too afraid to say before. You could feel your chest tightening, a rush of emotions swelling inside you, everything you had kept buried rising to the surface all at once.

You opened your mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Your heart was racing in your chest, so loud you were sure he could hear it too. You thought you were going to explode, overwhelmed by the raw honesty in his voice, the sincerity that seemed to shake the very core of you. Your hands were trembling, but you couldn’t pull away from him—not now, not after everything.

I love you.

The thought slammed into you like a tidal wave. It was there, deep in your chest, something that you had known for a while but had never dared to say. And now, in the quiet of the night, with Aki standing so close, his words hanging in the air like a lifeline, the truth was undeniable.

I love you.

It hit you with such force that it took your breath away. You had never felt anything so raw, so pure, so unrelenting in your entire life. The love that had been hiding inside you, the one you had been keeping under lock and key, was suddenly unleashed, rushing to the surface like the air you breathed.

And then, before you could stop yourself,  “Aki…” Your voice cracked, and you could feel the tears starting to well up in your eyes. The floodgates had opened, and there was no stopping it now. 

“Again…” He trailed off, clearly nervous, “I know it’s soon, and– and I don’t know how long I have left here on Earth, but…” He continued, “I know I want to spend the rest of it with you. Today, tomorrow, however long you’ll have me.”

Then, he moved the box a little closer to you, like it held his heart inside of that little ruby window. “Would you give me the honor of calling myself your boyfriend?”

My proposal didn’t have shit on this, you thought, but quickly pushed it down.

The tears fell freely then, streaking down your cheeks. You weren’t sure why you were crying—whether it was because of the relief that came with finally saying it out loud, or the sheer weight of the moment, or maybe a little bit of both. But the tears didn’t stop. You were shaking now, and you hated how vulnerable it made you feel, but you couldn’t stop it. You had no control over the emotions flooding through you, crashing over you in waves.

Why am I crying?

Aki’s eyes widened as he saw the tears, his expression softening instantly. He reached for you, his hands gentle as they cupped your face, as if afraid to break the fragile connection between you. His thumb gently wiped away the tears, his touch soothing in its tenderness.

You were at a loss for words.

“I know it’s not a ring or anything. I figured you wouldn’t want one so soon,” He explained himself rather sheepishly, trying to ease your tears. “But, yeah… I thought of you, and I dunno–”

“Shut up,” You laughed, sniffling, “Come here.”

Without another word, you grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him toward you, your lips crashing against his in a kiss so full of desperation and longing, it almost felt like it was meant to make up for all the time you had spent apart. The kiss was hungry, intense, as though you were trying to tell him everything you had never said, all in that one moment. His hands slid to your back, pulling you closer, as if to make sure that this moment—this feeling—was real.

When you finally pulled away, your breath was shallow, and your heart was racing. You barely had time to catch your breath before the words spilled out of you in a rush.

“Yes. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes,” you whispered, your voice trembling with emotion. Your hands cupped his face, as if you were afraid he would disappear if you didn’t hold on tight enough. “I love you. I’ve always loved you. Yes.”

Aki’s eyes lit up, and his grin spread across his face like sunlight breaking through clouds. It was a grin you had longed to see, the one that made his eyes sparkle and his entire expression soften, as if he could finally breathe, finally exhale all the fear and uncertainty he had carried.

Without hesitation, he pulled you into another embrace, lifting you off your feet slightly, his arms tightening around you as if he were afraid to let go. You laughed softly, your heart swelling with a mix of relief and joy. “You’re not allowed to leave me after saying all of that,” you murmured against his shoulder, your voice thick with emotion. “I can’t… I can’t take another heartbreak, Aki.”

Aki’s arms tightened around you even more, and you could feel the sincerity in his touch. He leaned back just enough to look at you, his expression serious, his eyes locked onto yours. “I won’t,” he promised, his voice low, almost a vow. “I’ll love you until my lungs give out.”

“You smoke, like, a pack a day,” you pouted. “Promise me something else.”

Aki chuckled, the sound light and genuine, but there was a warmth in it that made your chest tighten. His eyes softened as he leaned in, brushing a strand of hair behind your ear. “Alright,” he said, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. “I’ll love you as long as my heart is beating, and when that stops… I’ll come find you in my next life. Okay?”

The words hung in the air, floating between you two, as if they were a promise made not just for this life, but for every one that came after. And for some reason, despite the weight of what he was saying, you believed him. You knew he meant it. You knew he would love you, no matter the circumstances.

Just as he always had

Without hesitation, you pulled him back in, kissing him once more. This time, it was slow, deliberate, as though you were savoring every moment, knowing that this was only the beginning. When you finally pulled away, your foreheads pressed together, your breaths mingling as you stared at each other.

“Okay,” you whispered, the smile on your lips softer, more certain than it had ever been. “I’ll hold you to that.”

Aki’s smile was as wide as ever, and he pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead. "You better," he said softly. "I’m not going anywhere. Not now. Not ever."

And in that moment, everything felt perfect. The world around you might still have been spinning, but for the first time, you didn’t care. You were exactly where you were supposed to be—right there with him, and nothing else mattered.

With his arms around you and your heart beating in sync with his, you knew that no matter what came next, you would face it together. And for the first time in a long time, you felt like you were exactly where you belonged.

a/n: ik i keep saying this but i cant believe this story is already almost over. it's been occupying my mind since like? july? august? omfg. thats so crazy.... i only have one more official chapter left, which is SO CRAZY to think about. shameless just started in my head omg. im getting ready to pass the torch from this fanfic onto my other aki ffs, so read the next two i plan on committing more time to -- PORNSTAR and Call Out My Name!! (both of which can be found on my page, and i know you'll LOVE them !!) i'm sure ill have much more sappiness in the next chapter, so for now, i'll leave it at this -- im so excited for yall to see the ending i have planned! stay tuned!!! x

credits: UNKOWN ATM. I found the cover pic on pinterest unfortch. If you know the artist, please let me know, so I can credit them properly for their work!!! This is NOT MY BEAUTIFUL DRAWINGGG. I obviously do not own csm or anything related to it. please do not reproduce, copy, or translate my works anywhere. dont fk w me im a bruja.

also: come find me on my wattpad if u wanna interact more!

taglist: @mitsuyeahhh , @sleepysnk , @enneadec , @noaabean , @em1e , @drakensdarling , @bertholdts--butt , @satanlovesusall666 , @mitsuwuyaa , @noctifule , @scaraphobia , @ask-the-insect-hashira , @lovingranchturkeyweasel , @bontensbabygirl , @slvdsjjk , @novacrystalli , @hanmastattoos , @kodzuksn , @hqtiny , @ohmaiscool15 , @redlittlequeen , @leivane , @goldeneagles-posts , @yeahblahlame , @no-oneelsebutnsu , @cookiesandcreammy , @cawwn , @the-haitani-baton , @littlelovebug98 , @armani78 , @mindurownbussines , @kokos-property , @violetmatcha , @hp-simp505 , @acethebrave , @mitsuyeahhh , @sleepysnk , @enneadec , @noaabean , @em1e , @drakensdarling , @bertholdts--butt , @satanlovesusall666 , @mitsuwuyaa , @noctifule , @scaraphobia , @ask-the-insect-hashira , @lovingranchturkeyweasel , @bontensbabygirl , @slvdsjjk , @novacrystalli , @hanmastattoos , @kodzuksn , @hqtiny , @ohmaiscool15 , @redlittlequeen , @leivane , @goldeneagles-posts , @yeahblahlame , @no-oneelsebutnsu , @cookiesandcreammy , @cawwn , @the-haitani-baton , @littlelovebug98 , @armani78 , @mindurownbussines , @kokos-property , @violetmatcha , @hp-simp505

wanna join the taglist? | shameless ; chapter index

[einsatzzz]

Ein 🥺 is it possible for you to talk about Tsunayoshi x Kurumi ship. I wanna know loreee about them, what is their relationship like? how did it all go down, if it does!!!! 😭 i need the tea

OCtober Day 9: Relationships - TsunaRumi 🐟🎀

Hi Jojo! Thank you for sending this ask and sorry it took a while, I thought of using it for today's prompt "Relationships" 😆💖✨Here's a ship chart of the cutest pairing among the three otps that we have! 🫡

Here's a song that really fits them too (mostly Kurumi POV XD)!

Ship Chart Notes

How It Happens - A bit unsure for Kurumi on this one. Because for her it's crush at first sight but the deeper feelings only set in a bit later.

Handling Conflict - Lowkey the same and are quick to forgive & apologize to each other when they realize their mistake.

First to Confess/Propose - Kurumi's #1 problem is that she has difficulties expressing her feelings, especially more to people outside her Family and especially more if it involves deep feelings. Her dressing up as she pleases and trying to be friendly with people is just her steps to fixing that problem but she still has a long way to go. So in this case, Tsuna will have to be the one who steps up.

Cooking & Penmanship - Kurumi is extremely shit at cooking and her penmanship isn't that readable. Tsuna wins by default.

Housework - Tsuna would never let her do too much housework, unless he wants the house to blow up. He'd rather do it all himself. If she insists, he'd give her the safest ones like folding clothes. Ah yes, Tsuna...Vongola boss? No! Kurumi's housewife.

Most of the Speaking - "Excuse me, miss! Tsuna-kun asked for no pickles for his order! 😄"

They are my beloved Idiots to Lovers ✨💕

Daily Life Stuff

When they first met, she kinda challenged him to a fight with similar rules to Tsuna's fight with Mochida (if you hit me one time then you win!). She beat him up real good initially but Tsuna won the battle in the end (thank you Dying Will bullet). But why did Kurumi even challenge him in the first place? Ask Kana.

Despite the fight, Kurumi thought of Tsuna as someone very cute right from the start, she just held herself back (it was so hard for her to do this). Then, Kurumi thinks Kyoko is super cute too! So she thought Tsuna and Kyoko would make a very cute couple together. Because of this, she offered to help Tsuna in setting them up, except they keep failing since (it turns out) Kurumi's romance knowledge is limited to shoujo manga. Her first love also ended in failure.

They both bonded over the fact that they'll be mafia/yakuza bosses in the future despite wanting to live a normal life. Only thing is that, they're both raised differently. Tsuna was raised as a normal kid, but was recently overwhelmed by the revelation that he's gonna become a mafia boss. On the other hand, Kurumi was raised/trained to become a yakuza boss from childhood, but she still secretly yearned for a normal life.

Other things they bonded over: Bad grades, history of getting bullied/ignored, being idiots in romance, cherishing their friends/family

Romance stuff aside, they're really just good friends that can rely on each other. Though it was the Oniyanagi side's mission to assist in Tsuna's training, Kurumi may or may not have forgotten about that at some point. She just helps him out as much as she can as his friend (even though sometimes she accidentally makes it worse dsjbfvfdsvf a non-issue, considering the problems Tsuna runs into daily with&because of his family/friends).

[bloopitynoot]

Reading SVSSS: Bonus Chapter 26

For those who don't know, I am reading SVSSS for the first time and sharing my thoughts!

If you have not read it, there will be spoilers! Consider this a warning.

Also- if you want to follow along, I am aiming to post updates daily. You can find all the posts in the tag bloopitynoot reads SVSSS. You can also check out the intro post for context on my read.

This chapter took me two days to go through! It's SO LONG (120 pages). I wanted to post yesterday but I got 60 pages in and started fading. Winter is here and the sun keeps disappearing too quickly, your boy is feeling the SAD.

The tea photo is from today and not yesterday- I tried out a new one it's almond amaranth and rooibos.

let's get into this monster of a chapter!

Fuck yeah, we have an airplane POV! Though this chapter is BEEFY. I think I'm going to read half today and half tomorrow before posting it (present me: and I did! ^-^).

I love that we are getting all of these forum comments. This is so fun! One of my favourite brands of fics are fics that include elements of social media/forum/blog style au's and this is a vibe! pp140-147

This guy is not wrong "Even though this famous Lord Cucumber spewed criticism constantly and without end in 'Great Master' Airplane's comment section, his subscription payments and demands for updates never waned. Because of this 'Great Master Airplane had come to suspect that this person was a masochist". p148 I mean yeah lol

OMG what an awful way to die! Alone in your house, let's be real - likely in his underwear- via electrocution induced by his sad instant ramen noodle dinner. p149

and the fact that he transmigrated so young. He was there for a while before the plot plotted with SY. 17 years old! p150. I do wonder if there is a wiggly time thing. Like years in the transmigrated novel equal like hours in the world he came from or something. They died close together I think? anyways- any theories on this are welcome!

Same though- Airplane is so real for this. The way in which I would just want to spill all of the foreknowledge and secrets to people I held in my brain as the creator of this universe p153

The SASS [Tip Complete. We wish you the best of luck]. p155

Are you kidding! This man didn't even write the plot that led for his main spy character to becoming a spy...dang man. the potholes are real bad. p156

Okay but this would seriously be me af. I am such a wimp- and that is totally okay! In the face of most definitely death, I would submit myself to being the Little Bitch Boy and pledge myself, my body, my undying love, to my new demon overlord and master. Good for baby him ahaha. p158

"As Shang Qinghua overflowed with snot and tears, clinging on for dear life, begging to pledge fealty to Mobei-Jun - wholly without warning, the demon collapsed." p160 Again, same. I'm feeling seen with Airplane here XD Screaming, crying, throwing up.

Man. I really see how these two end up together (I'm assuming they do?). He had a solid chance to murder the guy and he just couldn't because the character is just his ideal man. p162

"This character had been created entirely to the author's own tastes" p163 MHMMM. Yeah he was.

ehehehe and here we have the only one bed trope at the inn he got to nurse his ideal man back to health. p165

This guy is so shameless. Straight up just watching Mobei-Jun strip while he sits there and snacks. p169

It is so unhinged that this man just has a string tied to his neck pp170-171

that congee- YARF "clear as water" sounds so unappealing p174

"When in doubt- just cry" - Airplane definitely p176

The security on this mountain is so shit. Demons just popping in all the time under the radar. Mobei-jun literally lived there for three days no one even knew XD p183

awww, Airplane tried to warn Liu Qingge about the upcoming Qi deviation. That was nice of him. p190

Yes! Thank you! The scene I have been waiting for; in which the other characters are all like "wtf is up with shen qingqiu? He really is 100% different overnight, but also, no one say anything to him because we like this him better" p192

Fair though, I too would think that SQQ was possessed p194

The way in which airplane is SHAKEN by the actions of SQQ right now is so funny. Him frozen expression, this is NOT the character I wrote what the fuck is happening. p206

Someone commented on an earlier chapter post I had about the theory that the system is the manifestation of airplane's actual wants for the story and like- I stand with this theory. It really checks out with this POV the man keep's fantasizing of a queer man story and like he sure does get it. p207

LOOOOL oh no. the fact that the man who created these characters - VERY different than this experience. Has to listen to Binghe "If you hold unique feelings for a certain person, how can you make them understand you intentions?" p208.

Not airplane giving LBH love advice just so cucumber bro can literally Get Fucked. pp212-213

AND THEN HIS ADVICE BACKFIRES WITH MOBEI-JUN LOL"So, if you want to be liked by a man, the best method is to act pathetic?" p214. Like he set this up for himself

Wait. Airplane had the option to return home! And he just didnt??? p217

Airplane really is weak for these villainous men. The way in which he describes Linguang-Jun is so simpy. p228

The drama. Airplane doing the MOST to save Mobei-jun. This man could have avoided all of this and just gone home. What a horrible torture! :( p235

Get it airplane! You yell at him ahaha p237-238

I AM SCREAMING. Airplane: I'm your daddy! p239 AND THEN him just leaving in a panic because he really thinks he's going to get murdered after that outburst LOL

I love SQQ sitting in domesticity with his man giving airplane love advice pp244-245

Awww, Mobei-Jun came back for his boyfriend! He's going to make him hand pulled noodles :'3 p255 I honestly think that Mobei-jun actually needed to be bossed around this entire time

BYE. LOL SGH deciding to continue writing in this world by basically writing slash fanfiction about LBH/SQQ + the other peak lords/famous cultivators LOL p256. Good for him ahaha.

We did it!

This chapter was such a ride ahaha. it was fun to see the POV for airplane but also him and the progression of his weird AF relationship with Mobei-jun. I honestly kind of love these two. They were such a mess in the beginning but it ended so soft :'3

[bobbin-buckley]

In The End, You Were My First Love ❤️‍🩹

Chapter 1

He’s Back

Tara Carpenter x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Smoking, mentions of Ghostface/murder, Amber being an ass, mentions of Abuse/Neglect, slight Homophobia

A/n: Not spelled checked 🙃

•———————————•

“He’s Back”

Flipping through the daily news

Even if it was a new era, you could basically get the news on tv more or on phones, but you, yes you, didn’t have a phone only a house phone.

You lived in a trailer in Woodsboro, were the classic murders of the famous Ghostface lived.

Boy were you glad you weren’t involved, but that might just take a turn.

Sitting on your singular chair in your living room, looking at the papers in your hands as it talked about another Ghostface attack has just happened last night.

The person you was attacked happened to be a friend. Not just any friend, your crush.

Tara Carpenter.

God damn she was gorgeous, her dark brunette hair that almost looked black, tan skin that looked so soft, and those eyes…you loved her eyes. You loved pretty much everything about her. You guys were that close, but Tara always seemed to talk to you a lot but it was cut short when her asshole best friend Amber Freeman appears.

She was your enemy, Amber hated you. You weren’t sure why, all you did was call her a skunk behind her back but- she hates you, and calls you names whenever Tara isn’t around. Maybe Amber likes Tara, or she’s jealous of the fact Tara talks to you more.

You had zero clue, Amber was hard to understand

But looking at the news made you try not to bark out a cry, Tara was the first victim. Your Tara

You sure damn felt bad, you wanted to go check on her make sure she was alright. But your gut was telling you not to, worried her friends will shoo you away.

It was Tara, Mindy, Chad, Liv, Wes and Amber. That was the friend group you always noticed sitting on the benches outside of Woodsboro High. You don’t have any friends other than Tara, you never stood out and people always thought you were weird.

Tara saw you as the good kind of weird, but everyone else thought the bad weird.

Was is because you had abusive parents don’t have parents anymore?

The question made your stomach turn

Your parents left you when you were 15, leaving you without much money, no car, and not a good house. You were barely surviving, surprised you could even still be in school. You aren’t sure where your parents went, they never told you where they’d move, they just blocked you out and disappeared.

It didn’t upset you too much, you knew it was going to happen eventually. You came out to them, they called you a disgrace and a burden. All because you couldn’t help who you like.

What a shame, you tell yourself

Keeping things positive wasn’t easy. Every time you’d try the positive, it’ll become negative the next minute. It always does.

The only person who kept you mainly sane was Tara and your neighbor.

The neighbor was Dewey Riley, yep, the Ex-Deputy and Husband.

He was a good man, he was involved in the very beginning of the Ghostface attacks. You never harped on him about it, and he liked that. Anyone who’d recognized him would jump to conclusions about his past, making him sad. Which you were a little upset about, and you felt the same way. Amber would tease you about your parents abandonment.

Ugh…you hated the raven haired

•—————————•

WoodsBoro High

It was lunch break. You were now sitting alone outside on a brick wall. Headphones on as you sketched anything around you in your notebook, even though you were supposed to be doing homework

Feeling as if someone was staring at the back of your head, you turned and made eye contact with Amber

Well shit

Let’s just hope to the gods she doesn’t approach, you were actually having a good day she hadn’t bothered you once!

You swiftly turned your head away, still feeling her drill her eyes in the back of your head.

“Why do you hate Y/n so much Amber?” Liv asked.

“That’s none of your business.” Amber turned her gaze from you to the pink haired.

“We’ll okay jeez..” Chad wrapped an arm around Liv’s waist, making Liv feel better. She smiled at him.

“Yeah, Liv’s right.” Wess spoke, looking up from his lap, “what’s your beef with Y/n? She seems nice.”

Amber scoffed, “that thing? Nice? She always gives me these weird looks and she doesn’t talk to anyone.” “So?” “So! For fucks sake she could be Ghostface! She’s been talking to Tara and look where Tara is now!”

“Amber!” Mindy yelled. “What!?” “You can’t just go off accusing people! And Y/n is not a thing!”

“Well…I mean- Amber has a point,-” Liv hits the back of Chad’s head. “Ow! That was mean!”

“Well how do you know for sure Am? She hasn’t done anything to you has she?”

“That little shit has a freaky obsession with horror movies! And you think she’s not Ghostface?” Amber points at you, “that weirdo more than likely loves Stab!”

“But I’m obsessed with horror films, and love Stab. What if I’m ghostface?” Mindy points out. Amber rolls her eyes

“Whatever guys, it doesn’t matter because we’re all suspects. Including you Amber.” States Wess.

“Psh- well don’t come crying to me when one of you gets murdered by weirdo.”

Everyone groaned

-

You knew they were talking about you. You were well aware of their presence.

Though you weren’t sure if Amber’s friends even liked you. It seemed as if Wess and Liv were defending you, maybe Mindy but did that mean they liked you?

Who knows…all you knew is that there were some likes and dislikes. Chad seemed to be for both, he wasn’t defending you of not being Ghostface, and to your surprise Mindy was. I guess just because your a twin doesn’t mean you think the same.

•—————————-•

It was the afternoon, you rode your bike to Dewey’s for your every night hangout. But this time it was different.

When you arrived you noticed his car wasn’t the only one sitting outside. Someone else was here.

Dewey’s front door swung open revealing two young adults. Quickly you hid behind Dewey’s truck, tossing your bike down.

Both of the man and woman got into a car and drove off, leaving you confused. Getting out from behind Dewey’s truck you see his front door open and he walks out, he stops when he notices you.

“Y/n what are you doing here?” He asks, you just step closer to him. “Dewey, who were they?”

He sighed, rubbing his temples. “Just…stay here kid, I’ve got something to do.” He said sternly.

Dewey walked past you and opened his truck door, you turned around and got into the passenger seat. “Wh-what? No kid, stay here.”

“No, I’m going with you.”

“Y/n-”

“No. I’m going whether you like it or not.”

Dewey just nods, starting the truck and driving off to wherever your adventure may lead…..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/n: this is short chapter but I needed to finish it 😭

Sorry for the long wait but here it is ✨

[trashmouth-richie]

i’m presuming from your comments you are american? but you don’t want to have a conversation on how the rest of the world is sick to the back teeth of your soldiers invading countries and killing people then hollywood making films about these ‘poor sad men’ that invaded other countries?

it’s insensitive and classically american to react the way you have. yes joe is playing a character, but you’re all thirsting over a man who murdered innocent civilians. you’re not willing to have nuanced conversations about this or see others point of view no matter what you guys post online.

hi. all i’ve said in regards to this movie was a reblog and saying “perfectly said” or something along those lines to some being bullied and sticking up for themselves when someone called them a nazi?

when the trailer for this movie first came out with shots of jq in it— i made a post saying that as good as he looks, i refuse to write about it bc it’s based on a real persons story, and to me that is insensitive. no where on my blog will you see me promoting war. the ramifications of the war being fought in WARFARE are felt in my house on the daily, and that’s as far as i’ll go on THAT subject bc it’s no one’s business.

the problem i have is people actively shit talking a celebrity… but still engaging with/writing etc in a fandom for a character he played on a netflix show? how can those two things be separate.. if it’s… the same… guy? whatever.

you will not find me buying a ticket for this movie, bc of the last sentence in the second paragraph.

if “classically american” is being disgusted by people who are being bullied and told that they ‘hope they get r*ped’ bc they reposted a picture or support a celebrity? than sure.

but let me tell you this, fighting with me, a stranger online, isn’t going to change anything. these are hard fucking times we all live in and being a rude shitbag isn’t helping the cause you’re fighting.

BE KIND

have the day you deserve

[fandumb-thoughts]

Playlist Masterlist

Fandom Playlists

and we’re all bastards (trephacard) - the post apocalyptic vibes fr

Ani - Anakin Skywalker is screaming

by my side (dinluke) - of loving purely in circumstances where that kind of love might as well be impossible

Catholic mommy issues in a queer way lmfao - friend requested for modern House of the Dragon vibes

Dean - Dean Winchester, how I love you

enemies and lovers (obimaul) - it's not enemies to lovers, but it also kind of is

i could've parented him - my baby don’t cry, she just sleeps through the night. she don’t fuss, she don’t whine, she just stays perfectly quiet. (general character playlist)

misc. Witcher feels - geraskefer, primarily

why am I such a bitch? - Bakugou Katsuki (I've projected too hard)

Personal

Americana - from raging capitalism, classic road tripping, and soul-filled folk music, there's no place like home

body-ody-ody issues -what's wrong with me? the same thing as everyone else

burnout - aka my final semester of college

capitalism - and then we work and then we work and then we work and then we end up in the ground

contemplating The Horrors

corecore 🌬️🥀

Coyote, My Little Brother - this land is stolen and we're killing it every day

daily commute - we have to WORK for a LIVING? when we're already alive???

early 2010s middle school dance

fantastic mr. fox

filk (space folk)

folk

girlboss

Greek Pantheon

human robot - yes, i'm aroace. yes, i might possibly be autistic.

hype 😤✨😙 - for dancing alone in the kitchen

i cannot express the emotion these make me feel (I can and it's horny)

“I listen to everything”

i'm your man - or maybe i'm just your dog

make me FEEL

maybe I should’ve been a nun - aroace angst with a Catholic twist

MMMMMMMM classical

Moby-Dick is consuming my life

momma (i’m just a girl) - when you just want your mom to be tender, or when you're angry because she wasn't

mourning

new folk

oop - they're all about...self-love

renaissance/medieval/fantasy vibes

sapphic (slightly toxic)

Secret Bangers

shower shit

silk chiffon - sweet sapphic love songs

this is a prayer

weird nostalgia

wow do I have religious trauma? - “do you think Jesus, the son of a carpenter, smelt the wood of the cross & temporarily thought of home”

you’re being mean - angry feminist playlist: being a woman and the realizations that come with, meant to be listened to in order

Holiday

christmas

halloween - because NO ONE gets it right

[joyfulsoda]

i love nick and wayne as much as the next person, but I cant see how anything could get going? Most people focus on wayne’s ocd or just him in general as the stump in the road, but nick’s trust issues are his most obvious trait in the show. He loves wayne, yes, but those are HARD to get over. He is EXTREMELY closed of, and in a similar (but different) way, wayne is too. How would it happen?

I've put a decent amount of thought into this, actually! I try to remain as close to canon with my fics and drabbles and whatnot, this is just a trait of mine I've carried with me for an incredibly long time.

Personally, I think that under normal circumstances, you are completely correct. Nick has incredibly prominent trust issues, and this is seen in pretty much everything about him- from his distant blocking on stage to his lines and, of course, his demeanor as a whole. However, we also see that for whatever reason, he just isn't like that around Wayne, and vice versa. This might have something to do with their connection before the DNB was formed, it might not. Since we don't know how they met or the circumstances surrounding it (though that possible double entendre from Nick in I Know a Guy is tempting to use as evidence), I'd like to focus on what we do know, because there is substance. I'll be using things from both the professional recording with Joey Pero and the other recording with Alex Bender for this, as I consider both Nicks canon.

Nick commands offers for Wayne to live with him. In the proshot, Nick handles the entire situation with a bit more of a mild-mannered temper. He starts off joking with the "I know how your wife falls to pieces" line, but as soon as Wayne starts to tell him the truth of the situation, the jokiness is gone and replaced with him genuinely listening to Wayne- we can see this when he nods after Wayne says "I guess she fell to pieces because of my schedule". He invites Wayne to continue, and isn't annoyed by Wayne not reciprocating the joking nature he was trying to go for. We see him take a moment to prepare himself to invite Wayne to stay with him, as he clenches his fist and makes a face, suggesting that it is hard for him to take a step like this and open both himself and his house up for another person. However difficult it is, though, he still takes that step. In the other recording with Alex Bender, Nick's character is much more brash. The joking line (same as before) is dripping with sarcasm, which makes the sudden flip to sincerity incredibly clear. When Wayne tells Nick the truth in this version, we see Nick slowly turn from facing away, to facing him. His volume drops significantly with "Shit Lieutenant, I'm sorry to hear that," and the look on his face emanates sincere sympathy for Wayne, despite the footage not being clear like the proshot. He genuinely feels bad for the man, and isn't annoyed or upset with him in any capacity for saying all of this. In fact, when he shouts, "Consider that an order", I don't think any of the anger behind that tone was aimed at Wayne- personally, I've interpreted it as Nick simultaneously being upset with the world while wanting him to have a stable living condition. He's upset, but not with Wayne. One last note on this scene: the flyers Nick takes from him at the end of the scene represent the way their dynamic shifts. In the beginning, Wayne is putting them up by himself. He has a small handful of them, while Nick has none, and we don't see any of the other guys putting them up or carrying them. We already know at this point (from Proud Riff) that he's carrying an immense amount of responsibility on his shoulders at any and all times. While struggling to make his OCD and PTSD work with his daily life/family, he's also doing three gigs other than the DNB. And considering that in 1945, the patriarchal, nuclear family was still a strong presence in most families, Wayne was undoubtedly dealing with stressors coming from his home life, his work life, and his own mind. When he moves out, he also has to worry about getting food every day, paying the hotel each night he stays, and there isn't a single doubt in my mind that he was in hell trying to stay clean while living at the hotel, because those things are so! Germy! When Nick takes those papers, though, we can see Wayne's hands stay where they are (or start to fidget, in the proshot), not knowing what to do with themselves. Nick's just taken a huge burden off of Wayne's shoulders, relieving him of some of the copious amounts of stress in his life at that point. Immediately after, too, Nick steers the situation back towards positivity, ending it with the maid joke (which I personally think he did with excellence). To summarize, they both have issues with trust and they both have their anguishes, but both of them put those aside and step out of their comfort zone. But that covers the One Scene. Oh my god I've been writing for an hour. (Also, side note! I'd like to add that Wayne must trust Nick to some degree emotionally, otherwise he probably wouldn't have gone into as much details about his situation as he did. As a veteran in 1945, opening up about situations like Wayne's would have been incredibly difficult, since men were expected to be tough and invulnerable; considering the amount of care towards historical accuracy that this show has... Well. Him showing that much vulnerability and then taking Nick up on his offer makes it difficult for me to fathom the idea that Wayne does not trust him to some degree.)

After that scene, their bond grows SIGNIFICANTLY faster than I would expect it to if they were wary of each other in the ways that they are wary of other people. Wayne is consistently wound-up and rigid around other people. In the proshot, I will admit that he is the same way when he and Nick have the small argument after Julia gives Welcome Home to Donny. In the other version? Hoh boy. The man picks up his suitcase, turns to Nick, and sits in one hip. You can see the fluidity of his movement as he does it, and I know it isn't much, but this is so incredibly important because he doesn't do this around anyone else. You're also, as a consequence of the fluidity, able to see that he isn't holding much tension in his body at all. For a man like Wayne, that is a feat. Without getting too much into it, I have issues with relaxing my body due to anxiety, even when I'm not feeling anxious- so for him to be able to turn to Nick, look him dead in the eye, and continue to have a spat with him while not tensing up or getting visibly nervous, is significant to me.

When looking at Wayne's character as a whole, we are given a lot to work with when it comes to how he deals with affection- particularly with being touched. He notoriously hates being touched, especially when under stress or otherwise upset. He yells "Don't touch me!" when Jimmy touches him right before Right This Way, and I've noticed several occasions throughout the show where Wayne moves away from Johnny because he was touched (the most prominent to me being during Breathe, where it happens in both versions of the show; it's harder to see in the proshot, but from the lines "I know this is worth all the sweat" to "Order out of chaos", we see Johnny approach Wayne, the shot cut away and make them go out of the frame, and when they're both seen again, Johnny's got his hands up, Wayne's making a motion as if he had just shrugged them away, and Wayne walks away from him. In the non-official recording, Johnny puts his hands on both of Wayne's shoulders and Wayne does a FULL body flinch and immediately walks away. But who does he never do this towards? Who does he not flinch away from a single time (I've tried to find a time he flinches away, trust me)? Nick. Don't get me wrong, I can only count the number of times Nick touches him on one hand, and it's primarily in the unofficial recording, but... Wayne is still Wayne regardless of the performance. First, we have the bit just before the conflict before Right This Way, when the DNB is getting their picture taken. Then we have A Band In New York City. In the beginning of the number of the unofficial recording, while on the train, Nick puts a hand on one of Wayne's shoulders, patting it, and leans in incredibly close to the side of his face. Wayne has this goofy grin on his face the entire time. Granted, Wayne seems much more comfortable with being touched during this number in particular, as pretty much everyone else sets their hands on his back/shoulder at some point, but the fact that he is so close and Wayne doesn't care seems to hint that Wayne is much more comfortable with him than everyone else. When Donny gets that close moments after Nick leaves and kisses Wayne on the head, obviously Wayne flinches, but you can see that just after Donny sets his hands on Wayne's shoulders, he snaps his head over to the side. This makes it seem like he's only really super comfortable with Nick touching him in the first place; if Nick is in front of him, who's behind him with their hands on his shoulders? I also would like to think that Donny knows how close they are and is just flat-out teasing Wayne. Why else would he have kissed him on the head? He knows Wayne doesn't like being touched and has already gotten better about respecting his space (this is shown in Breathe vs Right This Way), so what the hell is up with that? Lol. Also, the unofficial recording is leagues more fruity than the proshot (looks at Jimmy's coming out scene longingly). So take that opinion as you will.

All of this being said, yes. It would be INCREDIBLY hard for either of them to make any sort of move. I believe both of them would be worried about breaking the bond between them, just for different reasons. Nick, to me, would be afraid of losing the one person he has confidence in and knows better than anyone else, and Wayne doesn't want to go through the pain of losing someone he cares about a second time. They'd almost certainly have moments, considering how small apartments in big cities like Cleveland were in the 40s (I'd have to look at my research again, but they are TINY), but there would be brushing against each other, late nights on Fridays and Saturdays staying up and drinking with the radio going, sometimes catching the other glancing over, neither of them would care about being fully dressed with the other in their presence (they were in the military. Not scandalous in the least UNTIL they start to feel things for each other). Just a lot of little things that would make their feelings painfully grand. I think Nick would probably end up biting the bullet and would ask Wayne if they could do something together; it's safe and unassuming, and if Wayne doesn't feel anything romantically towards him, it can easily be spun into a platonic sense. Wayne would immediately catch on. Bastard's sharper than a tack. Their relationship would be slow and cautious, just like each of them is, but it would simultaneously feel natural for them. They wouldn't push the progression of things and would take them as they come, though both of them would be scared of screwing up for the first month/two months. Wayne especially would take his time to get used to being with Nick and would constantly check in and reassure him that if anything he said ever hurt him, he would always be willing to hear what he has to say and change for the better. Nick would think it's sweet but wouldn't do it. He knows Wayne doesn't mean any harm. Nick would be equally as anxious, because he KNOWS how abrasive he can be, but finds that as time goes on, living with Wayne is kind of mellowing him out. He's still firey, but most of his anxieties are assuaged firstly by the band, then quashed by Wayne being there. So bit by bit, things get easier, and he starts to warm up to the band and loosen up. This would make Wayne comfier, which would make him comfier... Just kind of a circle of feeling more comfortable with each other. This isn't to say that they depend on each other to feel relaxed and comfortable, but they do find great comfort in each other for multiple reasons. If that makes sense.

Sorry for such a long post, I've been writing this bit by bit by bit, and I love diving into the show to pick apart characters' actions and what they might mean. I should say that this is all completely up to interpretation! My interpretation of certain aspects of the show might be completely different from what other people might think, so please don't feel like I'm trying to force interpretations or anything on anyone! This is just what I think the show was going for. :)

Thank you for the question! Love answering stuff about the grumpy father figures.

[lcstinfantasy]

Who would you consider the closest friends you've met through RPC?

random anon

jokes aside, i do really consider everyone i write with or speak to ooc as a friend. but yes, i am closer to some more than others but that does not diminish the relationship i have with any of you! these people i just tend to talk to on a daily basis and the conversations go deeper that writing or surface level information.

@frxgmcnts, this one is a given. i have been writing and friends with nini for 5 years now. i could not imagine my life without her in it. she listens to me rant and rave all the time about life, plots, issues. just everything. we talk about everything. we vibe and click and i just that's the loml right there. she's stuck with me for eternity and a billion of them after.

@nanlanmo, hil knows how much i love her and how grateful i am for our friendship. we are even planning some trips coming up together and i'm super excited. we joke that we're the same person just different fonts. time lines, issues, life -- it all adds up. my life would be very dull without my theater geek

@gcldenmemories, did y'all not see that coming? sunshine is my love. i find it very hard to instantly click and not feel awkward but man, sunshine came busting into my life like the koolaid man through a wall and it's been amazing ever since. from our ships, to the tiktoks we send. *chefs kiss* we're gonna get married (at this point i've got like 3 wives lol) and live in the mountains and read books when it rains.

@ner0tic, new to list but not any less important, is my witchy sister. you want to talk about an instant click? possession and i can go on RANTS about spiritual shit. i'm pretty sure we had like a 2 hour phone conversation the other night on just some spiritual and universal shit.

@talesfromthevoiid, grandpa may be a pain in the ass but we love him in this house. there have been plenty of times that i've been down in the dumps and jay knows how to just make me laugh or take my mind off it. from tiktok spams (on and off tiktok cause man will spam me on all ways if i don't answer) to advice, i am lucky to call him a friend.

honorable mentions; @fatalframez, @havvkinsqueen, @vionlet, @dozenzofrozez, @atrickrtreat, @anthrcpophagi, @redemptivexheroics

let me reiterate this though, i love every single one of you. i care about every single one of you. i am just TRASH at communication. you can ask any of the people listed and they'd probably tell you i am so bad at it. but i do not half ass friendships, that's just not who i am. so if i tell you i care about you, that we're friends, or that i want to met you, i mean it! you are all special in your own way ❤️ please never doubt your place in the world/rpc, my love for you or just yourself. you matter, you're loved, you're meant to be here.

[skzhocomments]

I can read your smile - Choi Minho SHINee Fanfic - Chapter 1 - Looking for a place

Story masterlist - please consult it for the summary of the story, trigger warnings etc.

Wattpad | AO3

Chapter 2

---

Chapter 1 - Looking for a place

chapter word count: 3.1k words

~Third person POV~

"So you left just like that?" Jinki laughed.

"Yes! One more minute with Minho and I would've fucking killed him!"

"Wh-"

"And before you ask-" Kibum turned to Minho. "It's your mere presence that annoys the shit out of me. Just seeing you walk across the living room- ugh!" Key cut him off and grimaced. "Ugh." He repeated, as if suddenly remembering a horrible thing, and shuddered.

"Come on, just tell them the truth!!! You bought an apartment!" Minho whined.

"While that's also true, I also can't stand living with you anymore."

"Fine! Move out then!" Minho scoffed, annoyed.

"Are these the early stages of a divorce?" Taemin asked with a slight chuckle.

"What divorce?"

"We aren't married."

Key and Minho both replied at the same time, making Jinki and Taemin laugh. The boys were seated at their usual table in the cafeteria, eating lunch. Their university had a fixed 9-15:30 program with a 1-hour lunch break from 13:00 to 14:00, followed by a last class.

It became a habit of theirs to meet up daily, even if all of them studied different majors, or were in different years. Jinki was the oldest, and he was in his final year, the fifth, studying mechanical engineering, a difficult field he was passionate about. Key and Minho were both in the 4th year, with Key studying a combo of business and design, and Minho being a business major. He was getting the best education he could to assist in his family's business once he finished his degree. Taemin was also a business major, but he was in 2nd year.

"So anyway- what I'm saying is, now I have to find a new roommate because Key abandoned me." Minho shook his head and scowled.

"Why?" Key laughed. "It's not like you need the rent money."

"Right. Why do you want to live with someone else so badly?" Jinki inquired as well.

"I just... like it when the house is not empty, I guess." He shrugged and took a bite of his food.

"Then get a girlfriend and move in with her." Key rolled his eyes and stated this, as if it were an obvious solution.

"He's married to football." Jinki stated.

"And the gym." Taemin added.

"And he's insufferable." Key finished the point while sipping his strawberry juice with a straw.

---

"Morning!" Crystal sat down in her chair, throwing her backpack on her school desk. Thankfully classes started at 9, but she still found it a bit too early. She wished she could sleep in more.

Unfortunately, this was not a possibility, so she relied on the cup of coffee she managed to half-dunk before running out of the house to get to her class in time.

"Morning!" Everyone replied to the girl in unison.

"How's your quest going?" One of the girls behind her, Lydia, asked.

Lydia was a tall and slim girl with brown, silky hair, and a matching pair of hazelnut brown eyes. Her lips were always painted in a subtle glittery shine, and her eyes were contrasted by a smokey eyeshadow look. She seemed unfriendly at first, even quite mean at times, but once you got to know her, you'd realise she was a very sweet girl who just had to toughen up to face the world.

"Quest? What quest?" Taemin raised an eyebrow with a chuckle, confused. He's been Crystal's desk mate for a while now, wasn't he supposed to know things too?

"Oh, Crystal's been looking for a new apartment." Lydia reapplied her gloss and spoke nonchalantly.

"Yea, I'm getting kicked out in 2 weeks." Crystal frowned.

"No way! Why?" Lydia's deskmate, Jude, asked, as confused as Taemin.

This was their usual group – Crystal, Taemin, Jude and Lydia. All of them ended up in a group project in the first year since they were desk mates, and figured out they get along quite well, so they kept to their small entourage and became close, one could say even friends.

"The owner decided to sell." Crystal sighed deeply. She was in deep shit, and she kinda resented Lydia for reminding her of this.

"What? Why haven't you told me?" Taemin asked, hurt, almost with a whine. He was easily affected by people not confiding in him, especially if he's confided in them before, and he did; out of their small group of friends, he was the closest to Crystal, and they spent many late nights on the phone discussing his problems.

Never hers – he noticed bluntly once again.

She never talked about herself.

"I just found out, Taeminnie. Lydia was just with me when he called yesterday." Crystal clarified, patting the boy's back. She knew how high her walls could get, and she could tell that Taemin wanted to ask more, but instead, they just shared a short glance and her smile reassured him that she's okay.

"That's so shitty of him. In the middle of the semester, too. How are you supposed to find a new place?!" Jude complained loudly, chewing on some piece of gum – peppermint flavoured.

Jude was the princess type. She grew up surrounded by all sorts of riches, since she was the only child of a big conglomerate owner. He spoiled her rotten, but she figured out early on in life that she doesn't want to rely on daddy's money forever. She wanted to do something more, using her own powers. She wanted to start her own fashion brand and make it successful without banking on her father's name.

"No idea." Crystal sighed. She hasn't even started looking yet, but the situation was dire. Money was scarce, rooms or apartments in the winter months were scarcer.

"2 weeks notice should be illegal." Jude scoffed.

"Tell me about it!"

"I actually have a friend who's been looking for a roommate. Maybe... it could work out and you could move in with him?" Taemin started, before Lydia intervened.

"A him? Taemin, dear, don't set Crystal up for being abused." Lydia intervened.

"Abused?! He would never-"

"Let's not get haste." Crystal spoke. "It doesn't matter if it's a she or a he. No one's gonna abuse anyone."

"You have too much faith in people." Lydia retorted, and Crystal knew it was coming from a place of hurt. Lydia's been wounded before. She knew, without having to ask her about it. She pieced it together during their talks in-between study sessions, and she knew at least a bit of the extent to which Lydia has trusted someone else, who ended up hurting her really badly.

It was hard for her to trust others.

"This is a crisis!" Jude spoke, loudly again. She somehow seemed the most disturbed by this, even if it had practically nothing to do with her.

"Anyways," Crystal interrupted them all, "how much is he charging?"

---

"Hmm, a friend of yours, you say? Do I know him?" Minho smiled, tying his shoes. Taemin went to see him before his football practice specifically so they could talk about this pressing matter.

Crystal needed help, and he wanted to help somehow. It was the first time he felt he could be of use to her, so he made it his #1 mission to make this work somehow.

"She's a girl. And no, I don't think so. She's my desk mate, but she's not really... the type of person you'd associate with, I guess."

"What do you mean by that?" Minho raised an eyebrow.

"I mean... she's not really... her family's not rich or anything." He tried explaining, but stumbled on his words. He knew Crystal worked at a restaurant somewhere, but he realised he knew next to nothing about her private life otherwise. Did her family live here, and if they did, why didn't she live with them?

He felt like a bad friend.

"You think I only associate with rich people?" Minho chuckled. This type of things never mattered to him. It was true, he was more fortunate than most, being born with a diamond spoon in his mouth, but he never let money be a deciding factor in what type of people he kept around him.

"It's not that... but she works a lot and doesn't really hang out or anything. I'm just saying it would be surprising if you knew her." Taemin tried explaining, and he was glad that Minho didn't seem to want to ask anything more.

"Hmm. I see." Minho hummed.

A girl was not exactly his idea of a new roommate, but if what Taemin said was true, she was the type of person who would move in with him because she needed the place, not because it was him. That was comforting in a way. It would also fill the void of Key's absence, because what Minho hated more than anything was an empty apartment.

"So? How much do you charge?" Taemin asked after a few seconds.

"Well, the apartment complex is, as you know, right next to the campus. A room in my complex usually starts at 750$, but... let's say, maybe, 500$?"

---

"500?!" Crystal exclaimed.

"Well, it's right next to campus..."

"Wow. I mean, yea, it's a good deal, but... sorry Taeminnie, you wasted your time." Crystal frowned. "I barely earn 500$ with tips, so..."

"Oh." Taemin stood silent for a moment. He had no idea how much she made. As Minho said, the price for a room here could start at 750$ and no one would bat an eye, but it was apparently a life-changing sum for Crystal, that she couldn't afford.

"I'm sorry." Crystal patted his shoulder. "And thank you for asking, really."

"Don't. I haven't done anything..." Taemin's expression saddened. He wasn't able to help her with anything, after all.

"Of course you did! You asked your friend, and he was offering a really good price for the area, it's just that it's out of my budget. But you helped a lot!" The girl praised Taemin, trying to be her cheerful self.

What did she expect? Obviously Taemin wouldn't have a friend with an apartment that she could afford.

Still, that was not his fault, and she didn't want him to feel bad for things out of his control. He did his best.

---

~4 days later~

"I really like today's pork chop." Minho said while munching on his food, grabbing a spoonful of rice as well.

"Yea, and the soup is great." Jinki added while he ate happily, like a little kid.

"By the way, what happened with your girl friend who was looking for an apartment?" Minho raised his head to look at Taemin. Ever since that talk a few days ago, he hasn't heard anything anymore.

"Wait, does Taemin have a girlfriend? Which one?" Key asked shocked and started looking around the cafeteria.

"No, dummy." Minho laughed. "Girl friend as in a friend who is a girl."

"Great phrasing, dumbass." Key rolled his eyes.

"Oh, she said it's a great offer and thanked you, but she refused." Taemin took a bite of his food. He got sad once again for not being able to help more, and he absent mindedly glanced over Crystal's table. She was, as usual, seated with Jude and Lydia, and her back was turned to him.

"Rejected even outside a relationship." Jinki spoke, earning a side glare from Minho.

"But why?" Minho couldn't help but ask. Taemin seemed really eager to find out if he would want her as a roommate.

"Too expensive." Taemin clarified.

To that, Minho didn't know what to say. 500$ meant nothing to him, and to most people in this cafeteria.

"Who was it, though? The one who rejected Minho." Key grinned.

"The girl in the floral sundress at that table. Her name's Crystal." Taemin spoke and pointed out to the girl with the back turned on them, sitting a few tables over.

---

"An apple again?" Jude frowned.

"You know the saying... an apple a day keeps the doctor away!" Crystal smiled.

"You can't keep eating just an apple for lunch every day. How do you have energy?" Jude asked in a worried tone.

"Hard will." Crystal shrugged. "Don't worry, if my body needed anything else, I would've eaten it."

A lie.

She did feel hungry most times, but that was okay. Hunger pangs came in overwhelming waves only late at night, if the restaurant was especially busy and she wouldn't have time to munch on anything.

"She's right, you know?" Lydia spoke while eating the cafeteria's lunch. She changed subjects quickly enough, with a follow-up question. "Are you browsing apartments again?"

"Mhm." Crystal frowned. "I have to move out in exactly 10 days and still have no idea where I'll go."

"You really didn't find anything?" Jude bent over the table trying to glance into Crystal's phone. "Your screen's broken."

"Nah. Everything in my price range is crap." Crystal chuckled and ignored the comment about her phone. She didn't have money to replace it right now, anyway.

"How can you even laugh in that situation? I would stress myself out to no end!" Jude exclaimed.

"You're so dramatic." Lydia rolled her eyes at her desk mate.

"Well, I am stressed out, but besides looking at advertisements, what can I do? Adding more stress is pointless."

"See? She has it all figured out." Lydia added and smiled at Crystal, feeling proud that she was keeping herself together so well.

"I wish I had your resolve." Jude said. "If you don't find anything in 10 days, you can always move in with me until you find something."

"I would never." Crystal chuckled. "I don't want to disturb you."

"You wouldn't!" Jude jumped in immediately, and then her attention shifted somewhere behind Crystal, and she started waving. Crystal, curious as she is, turned her head around and saw Taemin waving at them enthusiastically.

Then, he gestured towards her and asked her to come over.

Weird. She thought. He was with his other group of friends, and he's never asked any of them to join him before. But still, she got up and took her half-eaten apple – the only lunch of the day – and headed towards Taemin. She didn't recognise any of the men at the table, but then again, she didn't really know anyone outside the people from her class, so that wasn't so surprising.

"Crystal! You're shining today as usual!" Taemin complimented the girl and ushered her to sit down next to him, taking her into a side hug as soon as she sat down.

"Oh, shut up!" She chuckled and hugged him back. He would always make small jokes at her name, telling her she shines like a Crystal, and she would always find them funny and laugh, because Taemin was the only one who didn't make fun of her maliciously. He genuinely found the name funny.

Kids when she was younger would poke fun at the fact that she was poor and had such an unfitting name-

"Everyone, this is my friend and desk mate, Crystal. Crystal, this next to me is Kibum, and in front of us are Jinki and Minho." Taemin interrupted her train of thoughts, and she focused on the names of his friends, trying to remember them as much as she could.

"Pleasure to meet you." She showed her sweet smile, and the boys returned her pleasantries.

"So, how's your apartment hunt going?" Taemin asked.

"Oh, is that why you wanted me to come here?" Crystal chuckled nervously.

"Yea."

"We could've talked in class." She smiled, and Taemin felt as if she was scolding him. Still, she replied. "It's not really going anywhere. I saw a few rooms yesterday but no luck so far."

"Were they ugly?"

"Very! Some of them were full of mold, or had an active cockroach infestation-"

"Ew!" Taemin grimaced at the thought of cockroaches. He hated all insects with a passion.

"Right?! I saw at least 5 and I took two steps inside. I'm scared to death of them!"

"Me too! They are horrible, and their little legs-"

"What's your budget?" Minho asked all of a sudden, interrupting Taemin and taking Crystal by surprise. She almost forgot other people were at the table, with how one-sided the conversation's been. Taemin excluded all of them from the start, when he asked her something personal his friends had no interest in knowing.

"Uhm..." Crystal tucked her hair behind her right ear, a bad habit she wanted to get rid of that showed she was uncomfortable.

"Taemin said 500$ is over the budget." Minho pressed.

"Oh." Crystal laughed, feeling a bit embarrassed. "You must be the friend with the apartment, then."

"Yea, he's the guy I told you about." Taemin confirmed.

"How much have you been paying until now?"

"Well, I was paying 200$, but with how much the market exploded, I could go to maybe 250$ with utilities. Would still be a bit over, but manageable if I cut a few more costs." She absent-mindedly looked at the apple. Obviously, an apple wouldn't be making a dent through her savings, but she thought in horror how many dinners she'd start skipping once she paid 50$ more monthly, especially on nights when she didn't work.

If she worked, the restaurant would usually cover one meal at least.

"Okay." Minho nodded and crossed his arms. "Are you a tidy person?"

"Huh?" She raised her eyebrows. This question took her by surprise.

"She's the tidiest person!" Taemin exclaimed. "Always spotless! You should see her notes, and how she arranges her pens on the table!"

"That sounds like OCD-" Key started before Taemin elbowed his side.

"Okay, then how about 150$?"

"Sorry?" Crystal tilted her head.

"I'm asking you if 150$ would be a good price for you to move in with me."

"150$? But-"

"Yea, I just want to move in with someone after my dear Kibum left me dry." Minho glanced at Key.

"Still, from 500$ to 150$... you'd certainly find someone else to pay you even more..." Crystal chuckled.

"He doesn't need money." Jinki shrugged.

"So? Is that okay? Should we go see the apartment after class?" Minho insisted.

Crystal found him pushy, but still, she agreed with an uncertain nod, so he took out his phone from the back pocket of his jeans and handed it over to the girl.

"Your number?" He smiled, and she looked at Taemin unsure, who just nodded and smiled back at her.

She grabbed the phone and typed in her number, then gave it back to Minho.

"I'll message you later." He said, then took his empty tray and got up from the table.

---

Chapter 2

[employee052]

... (teaser)

The Narrator groaned as he dialed up the speed of the standing fan that stood in the living room. Putting a hand in front of it and feeling almost no difference to the speed before.

Sitting back down onto the couch, he sprawled himself over the cushions trying to retain some form of chill from the sweltering heat that swept through the house. His face covered in sweat as he faced the fan.

This heat had been going on all month for them. Thick wildfire smoke in the air, intense heat that ice couldn't satiate, the constant state of sweating from every member in the house. The narrator would have popped back into the parable if it weren't for the fact that simply existing in this heat grew too much to even teleport back into his eternally chilled office.

Oswin walked down the stairs from his room, carrying down three dirty cups of what appeared to be ice cream, the narrator having finished his ages ago while Stanley Lynne and Oswin learned the art of patience and ate theirs slowly like starving men enjoying the little food they had left.

"You good Narry?" Oswin calls out, placing the cups into the sink before taking out two clear glasses and some ice cubes. 

The Narrator groaned in reply, the sound of the fan answering his question for him.

Oswin poured some water into the two cups. Walking over to the narrator and passing him his cold water. He sat up and began to drink it eagerly.

"You know, I've been thinking." Oswin commented, sitting down on the couch adjacent to his.

"Shocker." 

Oswin rolled his eyes, "Anyways. My family is going back to my home country in a few days to visit some family. We're gonna be staying there for nearly a month." 

The Narrator turns to Oswin with a curious gaze. "Oh... really? What country?"

"The Philippines, I was actually born there!" 

"Thing is," Oswin continues. "Since I've known you for almost half a year now, I've been thinking. What do you say to coming with me on this trip?"

"...I beg your pardon?"

"Look, I know how much you liked going to the rockies. Seeing new sights and getting new ideas and all that. But I've been thinking about bringing you along with me and I-... Well I wanted to ask for your opinion because I don't want to impose and didn't want to force you and all that."

"So... What do you say to going on another trip? To somewhere I was born and grew up in, a place that means a lot to me and show you my culture a bit more than GMA Telenovelas." He asks sheepishly, putting his cup down and fidgeting with his hands nervously.

The Narrator paused and thought to himself, thinking about the situation as a whole.

While he would always be worried about Lynne and Stanley -His family alongside Oswin that he grew to care for over the few months he had existed in the real world that he was scared to leave alone for a month-, yet at the same time it was a trip that held more importance to Oswin, one that felt exciting to see a whole new culture of, and a new side of his best friend of half a year.

"*Well I... I wouldn't be opposed.*"  He commented after some thought. "I would just... I don't know how to feel about leaving Stanley and the Adventure Lynne all alone here."

Oswin nodded. "I get that, leaving family is scary as shit."

"But..." He continues, "it could give Stanley and Lynne a chance to bond! Get up to some classic Father-Line antics back at home."

"Plus..." Oswin continued, walking over to place a hand on his shoulder. "We can always call them daily. We can call to check up on them, and bring back souvenirs and stories and stuff."

He sighs, "I don't want to force you, I understand that this is a hard decision to make and I wouldn't be mad if you declined."

"But I promise you, if you say yes, I'll do my best to make the trip interesting, and fun for both of us."

He takes the Narrator's empty glass from him and walks back to the sink to put the cups away. "I'll let you think about it, alright? Take your time." Oswin says softly, walking upstairs to give him space.

The Narrator sighs and looks at the fan in contemplative silence thinking about all the factors in play before he makes up his mind.

The thrill of adventure lived within him, the idea of seeing new sights and learning a culture he wasn't familiar with was interesting. And while his anxieties over Stanley and Lynne remained in his mind, he knew that Stanley was a smart man. He would be fine. At least he hoped he would be fine.

The Narrator stood from his seat and began to walk up the stairs, a smile on his face.

"Oswin! I made a decision... I'm coming with you!"

...

NARRY TAKEOVER 2: VACATION DAYS starting this sunday

[cooganbegs-blog]

It’s just a collection of things that has finally just crippled me.

1. A role I have no guidance on, am trying to create it, excel at it and prove it’s worth to the company, I’m drowning.

2. Managing 5 people, half of which are completely inscrutable and have a cultural inclination to refuse to admit they need help or that they don’t know everything or that they aren’t perfect. How can I provide support and enable them to succeed when they give me nothing to work with. All that’s happening is I’m becoming more and more intolerant and starting to micromanage them- and therefore hate myself

3. I’m the cheerleader of the team, I am “on” ask the questions, be positive, engage, support and it’s sucking my will to live! I dread Tuesday where I have back to back one-on-ones, I wake up literally feeling like I need to shit my pants!!

4. A CEO and CTO who have expectations that I’m not meeting but I’m not sure really how to Dunhill them, they ask questions that I have no answer for and I walk away feeling incompetent and like I’m in imminent danger of losing my job

5. I can’t lose my job, I am about to hock myself to the eyeballs to build and renovate. I am the provider, I make sure everything is paid for, budgeted for and saved for.

6. I don’t have the time to even think about project managing a fucking build let alone a build and a Reno at the same time

7. The Sprout board is also sucking the life out of me. I get I’m the Chair but I do everything and am the cheerleader and the champion and run the strategy and planning days, he board meetings, weekly CEO meetings and am driving the need to double our revenue for no other reason than we need to pay our two part-time employees for their time. We are (and have been for some time) underpaying them and it leaves me feeling ill at the situation. If I do one thing as the Chair it will be rising enough revenue to pay our people what they are fucking worth, before they leave and we have no organisation left. I have such beleif in what they do and am really passionate but it’s sucking me dry and I’m pretty sure I’ll be stepping back at the end of the year.

8. After 10 years, I continue to be completely fucked and unable to function in a family situation. I am the third wheel and am the reason somebody doesn’t want to stay in our house. Apparently they feel uncomfortable and would rather stay with the other parent. Ie. I’m a big fat fucking bitchy, mcbitch face. And what would I know about how a reasonable family should function ie. some boundaries apparently I have no idea and everyone else has perfect families where people are completely non-judgemental and accepting and people come and go and treat each other however they like and it’s all just one big love-fest, perfect family. There is clearly something fundamentally broken and wrong about me.

9. I’m tired of being the adult, I pay the bills, I pay the rates, I make sure we have money for beer and wine and food and the bread is taken out of the freezer for breakfast. I run the budget and the household and make sure dinner is on the table and it’s healthy and edible (yes there is an element of my eating paranoia here!)

10. I’m clearly fucked in personal relationships as I’ve overhead two phone conversations (one with the accountant and one with an employee) where more is disclosed in a phone conversation than I have managed to extract in months. Clearly I’m such a bitchy McBitchface that I’m unapproachable even though I ask and am genuinely interested in what is going on in the lives of the people I give a shit about.

11. My sister is FINALLY getting divorced, it’s been about 6 years in the making. The drama, the drama, the drama …. And I just have to sit here and support and be quiet and be available whenever she wants to talk, and if she doesn’t, well make sure I keep checking in just so she knows I’m still checking in, even when she doesn’t reply for weeks on end. Don’t even think for one second of not doing daily checkins … then I’m the bitchy McBitchface sister who doesn’t give a fuck.

12. I can’t swim, I’m terrified of water and it’s so fucking embarrassing and stupid and fucked and so I need to fix that, even if I can fix this one thing, maybe there’s hope for the rest of the steaming pile of failures that makes me up. So I’m going through some other form of therapy to try and dig into the origins of this particular failure …. Clearly rooted win my fucked up upbringing.

13. Which brings me to the puppy. I wanted a dog because I desperately missed Loki, and because I wanted something in my life that needed me, that was mine, all mine. Yes, it was a substitute for human relationships. In January I was alone and lonely and on the outside. Three has always been the lonliest number, and it continues to be, even after I hung on with the expectation that things would change. What a fucking idiot, I kept pushing the goalposts, when this milestone is reached, it’ll be different, when this milestone is reached, it’ll be different. It’ll never be different. If I ever have this experience again, I will run a mile from a man who has a daughter from a previous relationship, I am forever setup for failure and second best. So, the dog has bonded with the other. I’m the one that of course is responsible because I made the decision (for all the wrong reasons), and am now fucking hating the dog, the inability to just go out and run because I have to train and exercise the dog, be consistent over and over and over again. And even after admitting I needed help and wasn’t coping (do you have any idea just how much that cost me to admit that!!). I’m still the one doing the daily exercising, feeding, training. And all I want to do is scream at him and beat another living creature into submission instead of loving and celebrating his curiosity and joi de vie. And there it is …..the crux of the issue. My base reaction and instincts at the lowest are no better than my old man, I haven’t learned anything, I’m no different or better that him …. he belted the shit out of us to control us, and I want to do the same thing. And all I feel is such self-hatred it makes me feel ill. I have to give this dog up before I actually do become my old man.

I just feel like such a failure, rationally I know this can’t be the case. I can’t see out of the fog and the darkness. I hate who I am.

I want to take the red pill, wake up tomorrow and not remember a thing.

And yes, all first world problems. I earn a stupid wage, I have a comfortable life. I have nothing to complain about … and yet I complain about everything!!

[lmd365yr]

Leon First Impression The taxi ride to the hotel took about thirty minutes. I would tell you that it was exciting and the views were spectacular, but I can't. It was quite frightening, you see the driver was driving so fast I had to close my eyes, it scared the shit out of me. As I got accustomed to the drive I suddenly realized that everyone drives fast. So I managed to pull myself together and open one eye and enjoy the rest of the ride. I was able to glance out the window periodically, noticing the mountains and the rigged terrain as we gradually entered into the city limits. I looked in amazement at how people lived, houses, and what some may call a shack embedded into the side of a mountain. Stacked upon each other like Legos. They fit so perfectly. I put my bags on the bed, washed my hands and face grabbed my room key, and headed out the door. The only thought that came to mind, was I made it, I was in Leon Guanajuato Mexico, I arrived at my hotel. My check-in was relatively painless. The valet carried my bags to my room, I offered him a tip, and he thanked me and closed the door behind himself. I was finally alone to collect my thoughts. I drew the curtains and looked out at the view provided to me from the tenth floor. After taking in the view from a window, I decided I couldn't wait for the next day I wanted to see what was out there, now. I was staying at the Hilton Garden Inn, located on Blvd Adolfo Lopez Mateos. This is one of the main Blvd in Leon so I decided to walk it. Its sidewalks are big (only the ones on a wide big street) After all, if you want to experience a new place then take a walk. It’s a way of interacting, in incognito. It was around 3:30 pm, so I figured I could hand out about an hour or two before it started getting dark, and I had to head back to the hotel. After sitting and flying, flying and sitting, it felt good to stretch the legs. The air was clear a little warm but pleasant. It didn’t take me long to realize that Leon was just like any other big city in the USA or the world. It had pavements contrary to public belief. Money was being spent on infrastructure. And the people appeared to be going along with their daily lives. The first thing I noticed was the number of people who worked for the government be it state or local I couldn’t tell. Like, I have stated I never have any preconceived ideas of any place that I may visit in my travels, So, to see all the things Leon had to offer wasn’t a shock or surprise. What did surprise me, was the amount of American influence that was here; banks, manufacturing, distribution, car dealerships, and more. But with all that, I could still see the things that made Mexico, Mexico. They have their bodegas (neighborhood/corner store). Corner food stands are equivalent to our food trucks. They also have these bread stands on the corners where they sell all kinds of freshly baked bread. So me being me, I stepped out of my comfort zone and gave some a try. I believe it was made from cornmeal. It was round and fluffy like a pancake, it had a sweet taste to it, like sweet bread. And yes it is very good. They came three to a pack and cost around 30 pesos, about 1.30 USD ( sorry I didn’t take any pictures). I couldn't help but think about what brought me here, I don't mean the plane. The Universe brought me here just because I asked for it. A thought occurred to me about fear. We live our lives through other people's fears. Not willing to take a chance on a desire or a dream. Believing in what someone else may or may not have experienced, Honest fears are based on some traumatic or unpleasant experience. Don't get me wrong things do happen and it can leave a nasty taste in your mouth. We are different travel on the same road at this moment, but we all did not get here using the same guidance system. So your individual experience is going to be different. During my walk, I noticed that there was a large number of Farmacias. They are the equivalent to our CVS, Rite Aid Walgreens, and even some compounding Pharmacies, but on a much smaller scale. I have to. It was kind of funny me walking around reading signs spelled in Spanish and trying to figure them out. The experience only confirmed that I was here, so I just smiled. It was getting late and time for me to head back to the the hotel. I noticed that they had a restaurant maybe I'll stop in get a bite to eat and plan my day for tomorrow. I started thinking about all the things I needed to do if I was going to stay here in Leon for any length of time. Looking for an apartment, finding a nice community, and trying to understand the transportation system and the language. It was about 7 pm when I arrived back at the hotel and walked straight to the restaurant, I sat a that bar and ordered a beer while I looked at the pictures on the menu. There was no way I was going to figure this out tonight, but a hamburger is the hamburger all over the world, I guess it is like baseball. My Spanish was so bad they had to get the chief who spoke a little English to take my order. I noticed a man of color sitting next to me. First person like me I saw in a while. We greeted each other in English. And started exchanging stories about who we were and what we did for a living. The normal things we do to establish our pecking order. The gentleman lived in Florida and was a mechanical engineer. He travels solving manufacturing and distribution problems through mechanical engineering. We also shared our thoughts and experiences as men of color traveling the world. I did tell him that this was my first experience traveling out of the USA. But so far my experience has a good one. I started to feel the tiredness, my body was finally catching up with all the different time zones I had gone through. I said good night and asked for my check. My new friend offered to play for my dinner and beer. I was very surprised and accepted gracefully. After stepping into the room standing in the dark looking out the window looking at the neighborhood being all lit up. I just stood there being grateful. That I created this opportunity in my life. As I lay in the bed looking out the of widow falling asleep in Mexico. QUICK PICS and GALLERY Downtown LEON "Estudio Leon" Football (Soccer) Stadium Statue outside"Estudio Leon" Stadium Out Fair Concert Venu, Downtown Leon 365 GEAR Read the full article

[llynwen]

wow! That was such an enlightening and beautiful answer to my question, thank you so very much, and congratulations on graduating soon🎉! I felt that same thrill of recognition seeing the people and their homes on the show, because yes poverty really is the same all over. I live in a blue collar town in northeast America, with forested hills instead of wetlands and logging instead of fishing, but I look at their clothes, at the places they hang out, at the porches and lawns filled with clutter and machine parts nestled between the trees, at the small dark house interiors, and I think "this all could've been filmed down the street from me." It must look depressing to others but I find comfort in the familiarity. We're all just surviving as best we can nestled in the detritus of abandoned industry and reclaiming nature, keeping our lives manageably small with little daily tasks and rewards, and beyond our town limits the land itself infinite as space. I guess that bigness is what sets apart American life, thousands of people go missing in the wilderness every year and it's just taken as a given. There's a whole plane that crashed in a Vermont forest in the 80s which I believe still hasn't been found. One thing not shown onscreen, and I don't mind this since true detective is a horror drama and it wouldn't fit the tone, are the threads of community we maintain—church suppers, family game and movie nights at the library, small town festivals, Christmas tree lightings in the square and such. Life is a patchwork of privation and joy.

One thing I will advise you about if you come here (welcome btw) is picking the state with the best resources for you. Montana is gorgeous but the New England states have the best healthcare, and the east coast in general has the most public transit with our trainlines. If what matters is the job than you can visit anywhere I guess, but outside of the cities you better have a coworker/host with a reliable car willing to drive you around, because otherwise you will be stuck and lonely in the miles between anywhere. We joke about Rust being a passenger princess but bumming rides is a way of life here. Other than that, don't whistle at night in the southwest, always being more money than you think is needed to the store, look up any Indigenous nation near where you stay to maybe visit their cultural center, and have a good time!

hi again! so sorry for taking this long to respond, I've been busy with school and other shit, you know how it is

america is such a fascinating and complex place fr, and the negative aspects of it you mention were never shown in the media i (and may other europeans) consume. we're fed this image of this perfect land of the free american dream you can achieve anything if you work hard enough self made man kind of thing. but I'm glad to hear that you have this community - in my experience, that is not really the case here. i hardly ever talk to my neighbors (occasional good mornings and that about it), i don't go to church, but the people who do also don't really know one another, people only every talk to their family members and friends from places like school and work. i feel like in this aspect we could for sure learn from y'all.

when i do come visit I'm pretty sure it wont be permanent (unless chevy does actually wife me, then who knows). i just want to get a taste of that cowboy life i crave so much. i want to see the national parks (hope i don't go missing) and spend some time in the Space of it all. I am aware of the lack of public transport and i am prepared to drive everywhere, but thank you for the heads up. i also know about tax not being included in prices of stuff - which, what the fuck. that's so stupid. same with tipping - why not just pay workers living wages? I will for sure be taking the time to visit the Indigenous people in the places where I'll be staying. I'm actually writing my master's thesis about the Anishinaabe and Inuit people, and even though my area of focus is canada I'm sure I'll learn a great deal from the Indigenous people of the us as well.

thank you again for talking to me (and for your patience), and I'd really love for you to come off anon, be it in my dm's or under this post. I'd love to talk more about the show in general or just cultural issues. but no pressure!