#and writing personal text posts feel embarrassing for whatever reason

[hakonohanayome]

ngl scrolling through twitter just makes me feel kinda lonely now & i'm reeeally tempted to go back to being more social on here instead

[illiterateaffairs]

DISTRACTIONS II | ALONE AT MIDNIGHT

pairing: jamie tartt x f!reader (ted lasso)

rating: T

word count: 2,880

summary: jamie refuses to let you go home alone again

A/N: what could THAT mean?

distractions masterlist | previous chapter

After almost three months with the club, you and the team are now celebrating a seven game win streak. 

Rebecca has somehow managed to convince a star football player called Zava to join AFC Richmond (you still weren’t sure if that was his first name or last name) and they haven’t lost a match since. While very gifted at football, you wouldn’t exactly call Zava your favorite player to work with. He was self-centered but not at all self aware. For some reason the team worshiped him but you could hardly understand why. With what you heard about how much they couldn’t stand Jamie when he used to be more selfish and stuck-up, you didn’t get why they’re putting up with Zava. Maybe it was just the thrill of back-to-back wins. They were all the happiest you’d ever seen them so you kept your thoughts to yourself. 

Well almost all of them were happy. Anytime the team went out for drinks to celebrate their recent victories (even days after on a random Wednesday - any excuse for a pint, as Isaac would say) Sam convinced you to tag along. That’s how you started spending time getting to know more guys like Isaac and Colin and Dani. But even as you bonded with them, you couldn’t help but notice Jamie. You’d always find him sulking in a corner with a beer in his hand, or half heartedly making conversation with one of his teammates. You’d spoken to him a few times over the last several weeks, and while you’d talk about your weekend or share jokes about other players or even the coaches (apologies, Uncle Ted), your conversations were never lengthy or of substance. So you ignored the urge to check up on him during these nights. 

You’re out again tonight - except this time it's the entire club. Coaches, staff, and all are gathered at Sam’s restaurant Ola’s for an unofficial opening celebration in honor of the team’s seventh straight win. You’re sipping champagne by the bar with Rebecca and Keeley, when they have to introduce you to Rebecca’s old friend Sassy. You’ll love her! And of course you do. Everyone you encounter here is the best person you’ve ever met. Although your ears bleed when Sassy alludes to going home with Ted later. Rebecca secretly gives you a simultaneously apologetic and amused look, to which you can only laugh through your embarrassment. 

As you sip your champagne, you can’t help but look on as your work family mixes and mingles and laughs together. You try not to beam at Sam, who you’ve told you’re proud of a million times that night, as he talks to his chef friend. You look on curiously as Colin introduces a friend of his to some other members of the team. You even feel comforted when you see Roy sit down next to Jamie, hoping someone can get that boy out of whatever funk he’s in. Even Zava makes a surprise appearance but you keep from rolling your eyes.

You’ve really become comfortable here the last few months. You try to remember the last time you’ve felt this happy and content and you come up blank. You’re surrounded by people you actually like and a job that sustains you both financially and spiritually. Now if only you could write a word of fiction you were proud of, but baby steps will have to do.

You’re not a superstitious or paranoid person, but as soon as you start dwelling on how great your life is going, you know that you’ll jinx it.

And you do.

As Rebecca begins telling you and Keeley about the psychic reading she had recently, your phone buzzes in your back pocket. You figure it's a text from your dads and don’t want to miss an opportunity to connect with them even briefly, since you’ve been so busy. Instead of finding a text from your family group chat, you see an Instagram notification.

Mason_Andrews has posted for the first time in a while.

Stupid Instagram and their stupid irrelevant notifications.

You know you shouldn’t look. You’re having a great time, and you haven’t really thought about him in weeks. But you’re so curious. Besides, you really need to make the move to unfollow him and this could be the perfect opportunity to do so. 

So you click the notification banner and Instagram opens to a picture of Mason- with his arms wrapped around an eerily familiar red-head.

He’d told you he barely knew the girl, as the two of you fought that night; that she didn’t mean anything to him.

Apparently she did now. They looked extra cozy, all dressed up in cocktail attire at what must have been one of Mason’s work events. My girl, the caption reads simply. Your fingers move faster than your brain as you tap the image to see the girl has been tagged. Her handle tells you her name is Chloe. You know if you start digging any further you’re going to drive yourself crazy. But if you don’t look and go on the rest of the night trying to forget about it, you’ll feel even crazier. So you decide you need to get out of there as soon as possible. 

Under the guise of exhaustion, you bid your farewells to Keeley and Rebecca. You catch Ted’s eye over Sassy’s shoulder and wave. He mouths back a “get home safe”. You don’t even try to get Beard’s attention with his girlfriend Jane in his lap. Roy gives you a nod and you briefly make eye contact with Jamie as Keeley’s friend and coworker Shandy talks off his ear, giving him a small smile as you head to the front. You let Sam know you’re calling it a night, and he begs you to stay for a little while longer, but you just hug him tighter and promise to be his first customer when Ola’s officially opens. He flashes his contagious, thousand-watt smile and you almost feel better, accepting the green matchbook as a keepsake that you know you’ll never part with. 

Leaning against the brick of the restaurant, you mean to call an Uber, but end up giving in and immediately start cyber-stalking Chloe. You’re nearly a full year down her Instagram grid when the door jingles beside you, causing you to jump. 

“Jesus Christ,” you mutter, palming your chest to calm your rising heart rate. 

“Didn’t know you were so religious,” Jamie snickers from beside you, seemingly a bit more upbeat than he was earlier in the evening. 

You snort, relaxing a bit, “Says the guy with the cross earring.” 

He smirks, “It's a fashion statement, ever heard of it?”

“My sincerest apologies,” You hold your hands up playfully in surrender, “I’m surprised you're alone.” 

He raises his eyebrow. “Why?”

“Well it seems if Shandy had her way, you’d be leaving with her.”

Jamie takes a deep breath, “Shandy is…a lot. I think she wanted to take a bite out of me.” 

You laugh at the pained expression on his face, “What, you’re not into that sort of thing?” 

He gets a mischievous glint in his eye and you know you’re going to regret having said that, “Well, I’m usually the one doing the biting.” 

“My God,” you groan, closing your eyes.

“There you go with the religious expletives,” he tsks, “You know you shouldn’t use the lord’s name in vain.” 

“I will try to do better.”

Your breathy laughs die out together.

“So, what about you?” Jamie asks.

“What about me?”

“Don’t tell me you’re walking home alone again from here.”

You’re reminded of what you were supposed to be doing. “Oh, no, I was actually about to order an Uber.”

“Fuck that. My car is down the block, let me drive you.”

“Jamie, you don’t have to do that.” 

“I’m not letting you waste your money when I have a perfectly good car and empty passenger seat. Let’s go.”

He doesn’t give you another second to consider when he’s already rounding the corner of the restaurant. 

Moments later you’re putting your address into Jamie’s phone from his passenger seat, and you appreciate that he only made fun of you a little for almost getting in the driver's side. (“Hey, if you want to take a shot at driving on the correct side of the road, be my guest.” “Listen, It doesn’t make sense that everything is on the other side!”) You’ve been driving for a few minutes with only the soft sound of the radio playing when you finally let yourself ask.

“So, why the long face all night?” you inquire, “I don’t know much about non-American football, or American football for that matter, but I thought winning several games in a row was supposed to be a good thing.” 

Jamie shakes his head, “It is.”

“Thank you for clarifying,” you smile slightly, “But?”

“But,” he sighs, “I don’t love how we did it.” 

“What do you mean?”

“It's this whole Zava thing,” he admits, not taking his eyes off the road as you watch him, “Everyone is acting like he’s some God, and sure, he’s a great player, but we…stopped playing as a team. I liked it better that way. Now it's the Zava show.” 

You nod, “I get what you mean. I don’t get the hype about Zava either.”

He glances at you for a brief second before focusing on the road again. “You don’t?”

“Yeah, he’s all words and no substance. He says things but it doesn’t mean anything. It's irritating. Honestly, when he walked into Sam’s I had to force myself not to leave immediately.”

He laughs with you, “I feel like you’re the only other person who see’s through his shit.” 

“Yeah, well, I don’t really have patience for self-centered jerks. Even if they’re good at kicking a ball around or whatever.” 

Jamie’s smile falters a bit. “You know I used to be a lot like him.”

You bite back a laugh, “No way.”

Your sarcasm takes him by surprise. “I thought you weren’t into football?”

“Football? No,” you admit slowly, “One of my old coworkers, though, had an affinity for British dating shows…”

You swear you see a bit of color drain from his face under the glow of the street lights, “Ah shit.” 

You can’t help but giggle, “Yeahhh, I’m sorry.” 

“You’re sorry? You’re the one who suffered through watching that crap.”

You can’t help but join when a laugh breaks through his words. 

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“That bad? I was a total prick.”

“Oh yeah you were a douchebag, but it made great TV.” 

He can’t help but laugh with you despite himself. “Yeah, I guess.” 

“But you don’t seem like that guy anymore,” you reassure, “I don’t think the guy who broke Amy’s heart would offer to drive a girl you barely know home.” 

“I’m trying not to be,” he muses softly. “But you’re right about one thing. I barely know you and you’ve probably seen more of me than either of us would like to admit.”

You chuckle, feeling your face get hot. “'You saying you want to play 20 questions or something?”

“How about one? That being, why the hell did you come to Richmond?” he glances at you again as you suddenly find your hands more interesting than the boy beside you, “Sam says you had some fancy job back in America and now you’re basically a football club owner’s secretary.”

“We prefer the term personal assistant.” 

He rolls his eyes, “So what? Were you that desperate to learn about ‘non-American football’ or what?”

You take a long, deep breath. “You want the honest answer?” 

Jamie shrugs like it's obvious.

“I told my family I needed a change of scenery, but it was because of a guy. Pathetic right? Making a life changing decision because some guy broke my heart. But the truth is I’d been making a lot of my decisions because of him while we were together. Where to live. What friends to hang out with. I had my old job because he thought it would be a good fit for me even though it wasn’t what I really wanted to do. So, after we…broke up, I realized I didn’t really know who I was because my whole life was built around him and us. So, I knew I had to get the hell out of Chicago, panicked, quit my job, and…here I am; just trying to get a change of scenery and figure out who the hell I am.” 

You never admitted that to anyone. No one around you ever saw how controlling he was over your life. You knew your family would have called you out about it, but they never got the chance to spend much time with him. He insisted you spend holidays with his family and you went along with it. And when you visited yours, you went alone. You didn’t realize it at the time, but subconsciously you weren’t very proud of your relationship with him. You were blinded by the attention he gave you, all the while molding you into his definition of a perfect girlfriend. Until apparently you weren’t. 

You eventually glanced back over at Jamie, and despite paying attention to the road in front of him, you could tell he was listening attentively. 

“Damn, so once you finally saw how bad he was, you dumped him and left?”

You laugh humorously, “No, I dumped him after I caught him cheating on me.” That was also the first time you told someone willingly. 

“Jesus Christ.”

“Now who’s using the lord’s name in vain?”

“He sounds fucking awful. Glad you’re rid of him.”

“If only I’d come to my senses sooner.”

He shakes his head, “Don’t blame yourself when he’s the prick.”

You digest the sentiment as his car slows to a stop and you realize you’ve made it to your apartment. 

He angles his body towards you, “Seriously, I’m sorry that happened to you. No one…no one deserves that.”

Meeting his eyes, you get the sense that there’s more meaning behind his words that you don’t understand. Still you smile slightly. “Thank you, Jamie.”

He presses his lips together in a thin smile as well. 

You unbuckle your seatbelt as you continue, “Well, here’s hoping that quitting my job and moving halfway across the world actually does the trick and lets me move on, or else I might be a little crazy.” 

Jamie chuckles and you feel the energy shift back to lighthearted, “Well, you know what they say, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”

“Jesus Chr-” you stop as he raises his eyebrows playfully, and you start to smile. Not only do you let yourself laugh at his cheeky joke, you let yourself consider his words. Casual dating let alone sex wasn’t really your thing, but maybe it could help. At the very least it would be a well deserved distraction. You briefly consider trying out the Bantr app but you loathed online dating. And here you were with a perfectly eligible bachelor mere inches away from you. 

No. No. You couldn’t hook up with Jamie Tartt. 

He was a notorious playboy. And while you could now attest he wasn’t as bad as his on-screen persona made him look, you knew he still wasn’t a relationship guy. 

But that’s not what this would be. 

Maybe he would be the perfect guy to distract you for one night. He instantly made you forget about Mason earlier until he became the topic of conversation. And he was very pretty. 

Before you can second guess anymore, you push yourself towards him and press your lips against his. If Jamie’s surprised by your actions, it doesn’t last long. He quickly unbuckles his own seatbelt, so he can bring the two of you closer together, his hands squeezing your waist, as yours cup around his face. You kiss frantically for a few more moments, sneaking in breaths where you can, before you’re pulling away slightly. Your noses are brushing against one another as you blink up at him, “Do you want to come inside?” 

He doesn’t bother answering, letting out shaky breaths as he nods, bumping his forehead against yours lightly. You smile into another kiss and Jamie doesn’t break away as he starts reaching to unlock the car doors, eager to get into your apartment but a little less eager to part from you. Reluctantly you separate again so you both can fumble out of the car and up the stairs of your building. You feel his breath on your neck as you hurriedly unlock your front door. He gently leads you inside, only to shut the door and push you against it, picking up where he left off. His hands make their way down your body to your thighs, and without having to be asked, you're jumping up to wrap your legs around his waist. You mumble directions to your bedroom against his lips and before you know it, he’s lying you down across your bed. As his lips leave a trail down your neck and to your chest, you don’t even remember Mason’s name. Your mind is just clouded by Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. 

A/N: let me know what you think y’all!!! also taking this opportunity to let everyone know i’m not comfortable writing smut or things like that, but will obviously allude to this like this. hope everyone understands! ❤️

[suddencolds]

sending u a star!! ⭐️ sorry i wanted to go thru and pick a specific fic but im too sleepy lol but any yvescent piece u had thoughts on :D

[from Fanfic Writers - Director's Cut]

hello!!! THANK YOU N, IT MADE ME REALLY HAPPY TO RECEIVE THIS 🥹🥹🥹

I also realize am responding to this like 2 months late :') I thought for a long time on which fic to comment on, and now that I've posted Atypical Occurrence pt. 2, I thought I might as well write out my thoughts on it while they're still fresh and bc it's close to my heart (I hope that's okay hehe)

—

⚠️❗️ Warning that I will be attaching snippets from my deleted drafts below!! Please read the published installment before you proceed to read this post. This is a little embarrassing... all I can say is that those drafts were deleted for a reason 🥴

—

There’s a grocery store that’s a ten minute drive from Vincent’s apartment. 

I rewrote this scene... 3 or 4 times? It gave me sooo much trouble 😭 I think in the first draft Vincent actually tears up tasting Yves's cooking. (I know, Vincent, I want Yves to cook for me too 😭❗️)

Terrible (ugh 😭) first draft screenshot under the cut (screenshot = old draft, indented quote = current draft):

(Yves pulling up a chair at the end... you can tell he is totally at a loss on what to do 😭 and I, too, was at a loss on what to do)

I wrote this ^, and I was like... this moment just feels unearned? I personally despise outlining + I love going in (mostly) blind. Sometimes the first draft works out of the box, and in this case, the first draft (and the second draft, and the third draft) were all soooo bad that I literally had to take a month-long break to regain my confidence 😭

Anyways! I knew right away that Y was going to cook something for V (it's mentioned here and there throughout the series that he is a really good cook 😭 And in part 3 of Fool Me Twice, Yves promises to make Vincent something more ambitious than hot chocolate. He's finally kept his promise now, 12 installments later 🙇‍♀️ )

From draft 2, there was only one scene which I was sure I was going to include in the final draft, aka, spared from the recycling bin. (But I just checked the final draft and it's nowhere to be seen?? Interesting.)

I would have managed fine on my own.

On this (deleted) scene, and more broadly: I think it's important to me that Yves recognizes that Vincent is self-sufficient in many ways: when Vincent says he will be fine alone, he is telling the truth. Yves doesn't have to stay—he recognizes this too, when he heads for the door in the published draft.

Still, Yves stays, of course—initially, because he insists, and later, because Vincent asks :)

“…You won’t leave unless I eat, then,” Vincent says. He says it evenly enough that it barely registers as a question. Yves smiles at him. It’s not a wrong conclusion. “Exactly,” he says.

It was really, really fun writing the differences between caretaker!Vincent (in Fool Me Twice pt. 5) and caretaker!Yves 😊 I usually don't like to say too much on the end of character analysis, bc I like my work to be interpreted as it is: the text is canon, and everything I'm saying here is just me yapping on about my headcanons. (I have been roasted for saying this by a dear friend of mine, probably rightfully so:)

With that disclaimer: Vincent to me (I can only speculate, etc) is a very no-bullshit caretaker (he likes to enforce whatever will lead most directly to the person's recovery; he actually worries a lot, but his worry often manifests as frustration/snappishness), whereas Yves is a lot more permissive and, for the most part, manages his stress—he is the eldest sibling, after all! I think he does what he can to make it a more tolerable experience :)

“So this is just a Yves thing.” “What? Showing consideration for my friends?”  “Showing consideration is one thing,” Vincent answers. “You could have left after dropping off the files. You would still have been showing your consideration.” “I guess that’s true. But at that point, I was already here,” Yves says, with a shrug. “It seemed logical to check up on you.” “Well, now you’ve checked up on me,” Vincent says. “So you can go.” Yves supposes this is true.

Vincent takes things very literally (and I think he's actually quite aware of the social niceties around these kinds of things, which is in part why he is so skeptical to assume that Yves means anything more.)

There’s a hand on his sleeve, tugging. Yves goes very still. When Vincent notices what he’s done, alarm flashes through his expression, and he pulls his hand away as if he’s burned.  “Sorry,” he murmurs, again. And just like that, he’s back to how he always is—his expression perfectly, carefully neutral, in a way that can only be constructed. “I’m sorry.” But Yves doesn’t forget what he’s seen. “You can go.”

This scene means a lot to me!! It took a loooot of editing to hammer into place (the doc I wrote it on is titled "fixing this scene would FIX ME" haha). I think this is the first time Vincent has actively sought out Yves's comfort 😭 And he regrets it almost as soon as he's said it, because he does not do things without a good justification, and wanting something—even wanting it badly—does not feel like a sufficient justification to him. But give Yves an inch and he will take a mile!! He will take a hundred miles!! That is just the kind of person that Yves is.

I was talking with some friends previously about how I wanted to write Vincent reaching out for Yves. How I wanted Vincent to, through the haze of fever, cross a line that he'd previously not allowed himself to cross :') I think it is a time-old trope to have someone, in their feverish delirium, utter something embarrassing and utterly uncharacteristic of them, or divulge something that has been difficult for them to say.

This whole time drafting, I was thinking, how can I set up a moment like that and have it feel earned? How badly would he have to be feeling? What kind of setup would justify getting past his 590859 mental defenses? (I do not like to outline, but sometimes I do have an emotional beat that I have in mind, and then I have to work backwards to figure out the setup. This took SO much working back from, and I really thought about it for very long). I was almost sure that Vincent would regret it immediately after too 😭

Yves opens his arms out in offering, tries on a smile. “I’ve been told I give good hugs. Good enough to cure all ailments, obviously.”

Ahh, so Y offering V a hug is inspired by a fic I read 6 years ago, where a character offers another a hug as a joke and then the other character surprises them by taking it. Yves is really offering here, but I think he recognizes that joking about it will make it easier for Vincent to accept 😭

Yves has hugged a fair share of people in his life. He doesn’t think he’d be able to list them all if he were asked to. It’s different, though, being so close to Vincent—so close that Yves can reach out and let his hair fall through his fingertips. He can lift up his palm and feel the rigid line of his spine, the slope of his shoulders; he could reach out and trace the dip of his wrist, the form of his hand. Vincent’s chin digs slightly into his left shoulder. His nose is turned slightly into Yves’s neck—like this, he is almost perfectly still. Yves can feel the warm brush of air against his neck whenever Vincent exhales. He is so close that Yves is afraid, for a moment, that he might hear how badly his heart is racing.

I have nothing to say about this paragraph except that I edited it for like 40 minutes straight.

Last thing!!

“We had a habit of keeping the heat off, in the winters, and closing the windows.”

The scene near the end (where Vincent tells Yves about his childhood) is actually the scene which came the most easily to me. I also did not write it last; I jumped around. It took me around 1.5 hours. (By comparison, simply editing the scene before it took 11 😵‍💫)

I did always intend for Vincent to disclose... well, /something/ about himself. (You can tell that when I plan, that's really as far as I plan LOL)

Anyways, when Vincent wakes Yves up (after Yves falls asleep at his desk), I initially wrote it so that Yves wakes Vincent from a nightmare.

But (as direct a link to vulnerability as that might have been,) Vincent would not talk about his nightmare 😭 So I switched gears.

I also specifically wanted to write about Vincent's experience being cared for growing up. I think something that's culturally resonant with me (as an Asian American, and the eldest daughter to immigrant parents) is like, the ways families can and cannot say I love you—the quiet things that are done in place of a more direct expression of it. The way that while unspoken consideration can speak volumes, it can just as easily be invisible. But even now, writing this post, I feel like it's difficult for me to untangle the feelings and experiences I've had into something that feels sufficiently multifaceted.

Vincent has a different childhood from I do (it is probably worth noting that I do not project onto any of my characters, nor do I use them as a vessel to get my own experiences across). I think I'm just drawn to writing tricky/non-straightforward expressions of love, in general :) Sometimes that is the kind of love that resonates with me most.

[calumhoodgoss]

horror story of a teenage 5sos blogger

let me set the scene - its the mid 2010s, I'm 17, in the height of my 5sos fan career, im watching keek compilations all day and scrolling tumblr all night. Life is good.

Fast forward a few months and I start talking to this cute boy at school. we start going on dates, having first kisses - and first everything elses. we're falling madly in love. it's intense (and so cringy to look back at as an adult) but again, life is good! not a worry in the world!!

eventually.. it somehow comes up that my boyfriend and i both have tumblrs (of VERY different nature's mind you). we wanted to show eachother things we'd found online but we were both adamant we didn't want to see eachothers blogs (FOR OBVIOUS REASONS). instead of following each other, we would send each other screenshots of funny textposts, pictures, etc. - blacking out our respective blog names and url's to protect our online anonymity. life is good!

now by day, I'm spending all hours messaging my totally hot boyfriend but by night... by night, I'm reblogging hot gifs of calum hood, smut fanfics, imagines, general gifs of hot couples making out (ifykyk). it's the HEIGHT of tumblr fanfiction and imagine culture and I could not get enough. i was exploring things in real life with my boyfriend while also exploring online through fics. reblogging every single thing along the way. i was having my cake and eating it too and it was a fucking good time to be alive. life is so good!

of course, like any normal person, I was using my tags as a stream of consciousness. a way to get out my feelings about cal, about my boyfriend, about being a teenager, about LITERALLY EVERYTHING. Unfiltered, hormonal, teenage girl writing about the boys she likes. every. damn. night. life! is! good!

until.. all until.. my boyfriend and i were lying together in a park, under a tree, light filtering down on us as we talk and laugh and kiss - a perfect afternoon UNTIL he says there's something he has to tell me. 'what does *name of my blog* mean?'

TURNS OUT, the very first time I sent him a screenshot of something, I didn't black out my url properly and he had been SECRETLY STALKING MY BLOG FOR MONTHHHSSSS.

MONTHS

MONTHS!!!!!!

Literally just months worth of calum hood smut, so.much.smut, smut requests too!!!, soft porn gifs WITH TAGS LITERALLY EXPLICITLY ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND, countless text posts about our dates and whatever the fuck I was thinking or feeling that day, 5sos drama, EVERYTHING. EVERYTHINGGGGG. ABSOLUTELY EV ER Y THIN G

needless to say that blog was immediately scorched from the surface of the earth. and since then, I virtually haven't been on 5sos tumblr - until now. I was so mortified that I wasn't just throwing my thoughts into the void, I was literally scarred.

we're still together though lol I guess he some how liked me enough to look past the 5sos blog HAHA. he's a much stronger person than I because if the roles were reversed and he had some obsessed teenage fan blog, I think i would have gotten the ick straight away. Especially since I literally NEVER talked about 5sos with him because I was soooo embarrassed that I was obsessed with them (this was album one era guys HAHA and my boyfriend was way cooler than me in highschool). now I don't care, I play them in the shower all the time - he can deal with it hahaha

moral of the story is, idk don't tell your teenage boyfriend you have tumblr cause he will find your blog

[bloodplague]

Hi! I’m new to your blog and I was looking through your posts and everything. I love your head canons for the creepypasta! And you are a very good artist too. I just wanted to ask if you could do a HC about Laughing Jack or Jason the Toymaker. (Like I said I love your artwork! keep up the good work!)

Jason the Toymaker & Laughing Jack Headcanons

Suree!! I'm not a big Jason fan so I might not have many, but I'll try!! Also thank you so much!! <3

Jason the Toymaker:

He has the antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, PTSD and is super possessive.

His friends are Laughing Jack, Jeff the Killer, Bloody Painter and KageKao, mainly.

He's a skilled writer, able to write beautiful texts with little effort.

Jason loves the scent after blowing out candles.

One of his hobbies is fixing broken weapons, always proud of himself once he finished.

Once someone becomes a fond one, they won't ever escape him. He's extremely clingy, possessive and will threaten them if they try to leave.

He doesn't know when he's doing something wrong. Example: After threatening someone he likes because of reasons, and they lash out at him, he'll be super confused, not knowing what he did wrong.

No matter what he does, he will ALWAYS defend his actions.

Doesn't usually torture a lot when killing but still tends to be sadistic.

LOVES listening to someone playing piano while he's working on something, it helps him to not get distracted.

When he's mad, he will punch walls aggressively and rip out his hair, blaming anyone but not himself for whatever made him this mad.

A walking redflag, basically...

Sometimes, Jason and Helen hang out, just talking while Helen draws and Jason works on his little toys.

When Jason gets really mad, he'll start stuttering, not able to handle the rage that keeps building up inside him, so he destroys things around him to show how angry he is.

Laughing Jack:

He laughs like Peter Griffin.

His comfort is gore, basically. When killing, he tries to make it as gory/bloody as possible.

His best friends are Nina, Clockwork, Jill and Pinkamena.

Jack has PTSD and psychosis.

This guy has claustrophobia, to be honest.

His tongue is really long, just like his arms.

When he's mad, he'll be extremely loud mouthed, more than he already is anyway.

Speaking off, he'd do ANYTHING to make his friends laugh, hurting anyone's feelings just to make fond ones smile and giggle, even if the one he's making fun of is having a rage burst or mental break down.

He's overly clingy and can be very sassy.

Biggest ENFP

He loves taking care of Sally and Lazari since they replace what he needed back then: A friend.

Even if he always dresses black and white, he has a small little bow somewhere on his body, usually because of Nina.

Constantly craves candy, chips and chocolate milkshake, giggling while devouring that shit.

Hates Rouge for some unknown reasons, just like Wilson.

Can come off as overly playful and childish, even though he's highly manipulative, easily leading his victims into some trap just to violently torture the living shit out of them.

When anyone tries to hurt his fond ones, he will be extremely aggressive and violent, ready to do whatever it takes to protect the ones close to him. Loosing another person would destroy him.

When he's REALLY close to someone, he'll be really touchy and sometimes even mushy, just trying to get their attention by acting all "adorable", like some starving puppy.

LOVES Scene's and emo's so much, he always points at them with his finger when he sees one like the silly person he is.

He has a really sharp chin.

His whole face turns red when he laughs or gets embarrassed.

[canaidliafail]

untitled

streamer ellie Williams x dancer reader 🌿

Id call this an excessively long shitpost. It is in the same timeline with staygrounded but I wrote it down for self indulgent reasons such as -to no ones surprise- venting. It ain’t good btw but its getting better I think.

CW: first of all, reader is a dancer/ dance teacher || short mention of self harm || MDI: there are sexual themes if I remember correctly || Ellie being very gay

If you by any chance do enjoy this concept I don’t mind writing a part 2 tho. Requests are open ✨

“you blame it on the drugs I dont give a fuck cause the damage is done,

and you talk about suicide, its the way you manipulate”

1:35 ───ㅇ───── 3:47 ↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺

gossip, rumors, spreading a false narrative and falling in love with being a victim of life and most importantly a victim of you.

So many things that could have been said about her. So many and yet all sat stale at the tip of your tongue. You wanted to rip her to shreds, put a curse on her and considered spending life in prison for premeditated murder. Then you cried and just prayed she would leave you alone and that she would find happiness and that you would never hear anything about it. You scratched your arms, the stitches holding your flesh together getting irritably itchier day by day. flesh that you so willingly sliced a week ago and regretted right after.

It was fucking embarrassing to fall to such depths of despair and misery cause of love. In life we allow things to happen to us. Saying that was comfort of some sorts. It gave you control over a situation that you were dragged around like a puppet.

Could truly another person's venom poison you this irreversibly?

And while you did crave love and attention you refused to humiliate yourself by asking for it,let alone admit to it.

“she didn’t love you, she loved the idea of being with you. You have to realize it baby, You are a known figure now…People will do that to you. This is a whole new world you just entered”

You shook your head and dully stared at the screen playing lo-fi on loop

“New world ? Feels like I'm back in high school”

You sat on the other end of the couch numb and mute. It had been a week since you spoke to your roommate and two since you last saw your whole friend group. You warned them

“I can’t talk but I really need you”

and they came and would chime in to whatever little but you were willing to share that night.

You all woke up around the same time the next day, exam season not really willing to cooperate with your mental breakdown and started getting ready. You had already failed 2 subjects. shit was not going your way so on the fourth day you just gave up and decided to go with the flow

“how bad can it get”

bit of advice fellas, never fucking say that cause it CAN get worse.

While initially you were well prepared for exams, You mixed up the days when you were supposed to submit assignments and the days when you were taking a written exam.

2 failed subjects, 4 more to go.

4 failed subjects… 2 more to go

Hot girl summer just doesn’t feel the same once you hit your 20s it seems.

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

You were aimlessly watching one story after the other,barely there and hardly caring what exactly you were looking at. Abby had just posted one cryptic photo with a girl you saw around in the community and smiled. You could tell something was going on with her and that other streamer girl and you smiled. You thought they were a good match and quite frankly you were just glad to see that some people were doing better in their love life than you ever could. It gave you hope that things like that still existed even if you weren't meant to experience them. Ellie had also just posted and you took a minute longer to appreciate her slender form dressed in tights and a top while horse riding. She was hot and she knew it and you liked that attitude of hers. You checked the next story which was a black screen with a text

*I fell off my horse two minutes after taking that pic*

And chuckled. Your eyes drifted off to the green square mark and cocked a brow

Oh?

So you were in her close friends ?

You sat up

“Wait since when has she-” You asked yourself out loud and noticed that indeed she was following you. In the midst of working on new content and getting out of your depressive slump you started checking your social less and less too busy with dance practice and trying to enjoy life and it seemed like in the middle of your subtle break things…. Happened

Maybe a few months ago when you were down bad for her this would’ve affected you but now you just shrugged and closed your phone. You need to get back to practicing a new dance combo for a video and you couldn’t be bothered. Your ex had scared you off from dating public figures for good. Dating was a strong word…You hardly wanted even a fling at this point.

You got dressed up and put on a wig, fixing your makeup in place and making a movement test before you went to the studio to record the new choreo so that you could only worry about the variation and not have any unnecessary technical issues. The studio was a few minutes away from your place by bus and you put on the songs you planned on rehearsing to get in the mood on your way there humming softly and tuning out any other thought polluting your mind.

There's was a text notification from the user

Elliefuckingwilliams

Which you forced yourself to ignore refusing to entertain whatever she could have texted you. If this was a month ago maybe you would have but now you didnt want to.

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

Ignoring her was your plan until you posted the new video of your dance which admittedly you did look good and may have been one of your best videos up to date. Ellie Was the third like on that post and she had shamelessly double texted you. You chewed on your lip nervous and uncertain

“She texted me again”

Ophelia, your roommate, peeked her head from her iPad and looked at you curious

“Who?”

“Ellie”

“ELLIE?! WAIT THE ELLIE?!” She jumped up and for a moment you for sure she came for your throat but instead clutched the blankets on your couch

“And what do you mean again ?! When did all of this happen ?”

“Relax it all started today and you know I wanted to tell you once we had time to properly hang out” You said fighting back a smile knowing that this was a victory. Ophelia had suffered you for months crying over your ex, then thirsting over Ellie and then back to square one. You owed her an update on your emotional affairs which you swore that they would stay stagnant.

“So what did she say ?”

You opened the Direct messages

Elliefuckingwilliams: Hey I have a question

Elliefuckingwilliams: Is your studio in Seattle ?

Elliefuckingwilliams: I have a project and am looking for a dance instructor. Let me know if you would be interested in a collab

“Ah. Just work stuff it seems”

“EXCUSES SHE JUST WANTS TO EAT YOU OUT AND IS LOOKING FOR A EXCUSE”

“You are shameless”

You stared at each other with a smirk fighting to break through, wanting to seem equally serious despite the ridiculous situation.

“She does not”

“She does. I’m betting 50 dollars”

Oh fuck off ill just roll you a blunt”

“A WIN IS A WIN” she said with her hands in the air “No come on! Respond already you are driving me crazy”

You rolled your eyes and considered her offer. You were taken aback cause Ellie didn’t seem like she would do anything with…dancing. However you weren’t new to influencers trying new things to get back on the algorithms favor so you brushed it off as her chasing new heights to her already growing fame.

-Hey, I’m not sure where you are exactly and it isn’t my studio. I am just renting the space but I could give you a lesson or two

Elliefuckingwilliams: Sweet! When are you available ? I have a gap next week otherwise it can be next month

You stared at her immediate response and quirked your brow in approval. Professional and straight to the point. You could respect that. Not what you were aiming for. You tried to ignore the previous conversations you two had that showed above her new messages. Your fruitless attempts at getting her attention in the most stupid of ways. Can’t blame a girl for trying. Shoot for the stars they say. You’ll land on dirt but hey, at least you gave it a fair shot and therefore no one could blame you for trying.

-This week is good. Say Friday ?

Elliefuckingwilliams: Yeah yeah cool! I'll text you the day before so that you can tell me your location and everything

You pursed your lips and turned to look at Ophelia who was on all fours on your couch desperately trying to steal a glance at your phone screen. You tossed it on one of the floor cushions

“Not a date. I’m just gonna be her dance instructor so looks like you owe me that blunt”

“Nu-uh. Bet you’ll be raw dogging in the studio. We will see who wins on Friday”

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

“And the dance floor is filling up with blood, But oh, Lord you’ve never been so in love”

ELLIE’s POV

Ellie was convinced that God had specifically hand crafted her body to be incapable of dancing. She had no coordination and perhaps was even tone deaf which was ridiculous for someone who played the guitar and sang. Not that she was a pro at that either but who creates a musician who doesn’t understand how to step on notes in any way other than with an instrument ? So now that she had texted you she was frantic, bouncing her leg up and down and chewing on the flesh around her fingernails.

“What's gotten into you?”

Dina asked while folding clothes. She was at her and Jesse's apartment for the night and she had yet to tell them about her new crush and her impatient attempt at getting to see you as soon as possible. Ellie was aware of you as a creator. Be it from a post-share on her friends stories or you falling on her timeline she would see you here and there. She vividly remembered a month where you peaked and she went from seeing you once every two months at best to seeing you every week. And she was curious as to why was everyone going crazy over you and your content. You seemed to interact mostly with Abby’s girl.

That’s how Ellie referred to the girl Abby seemed to be crushing on. In a game of broken telephone and who told what, Ellie planned on seeing how close Abby was with her girl and if that was close enough for her to ask if she could…well ask her about you and then somehow for that information to get back to you.

But all that plan failed the second Ellie asked

“So is Cotton dating anyone?”

And Abby took that horribly wrong and now was set on gatekeeping her. Ellie was awkward and a mess and couldn’t communicate properly what she wanted because to her, what she asked was obvious and had no hidden meaning or intention but the world around her didn’t work like that and she struggled so fucking hard with it.

Ellie’s second grant failure was when she followed you back. She was sure that you wouldn’t have missed it. But the silence was so loud it was deafening. You were still posting but you were otherwise quiet everywhere else. You rarely even watched her stories at this point so Ellie decided to grow a backbone and some balls and directly message you.

She flinched at the dry responses she gave you to your previous interactions which back then seemed professional but now they seemed…So distant.

Finally, she texted you.

and you responded.

“Dina I did a stupid thing”

Dina tossed the clothes in the wardrobe and kicked close giving up on tidying Jesse’s shit

“Ok, stupid how? Like speaking money or-”

“I texted my crush-”

“You have a crush?”

“Yes and so I texted her and-”

“Who is she ?”

“A content creator, anyways so I texted her”

“WHo?”

“Dina can you let me talk?!” she said frustrated and Dina grinned. She went to the kitchen aisle to grab a bottle of water and tossed another one Ellie’s way. She leaned against the counter listening to her friend endless yawping about this new crush. she called her twice a day until Friday, and would recite every move and gesture she planned on using to seduce you. Dina would turn each one down by saying

“You do realize that when you see her you will just shit your pants from excitement and won't say anything right?”

So ellie would hang up and call a few hours later with a new plan that aligned more with how she typically acted.

When Friday came she showered twice and changed outfits over and over again, as a result she was late. She was proud of her fit since the sleeveless turtleneck did a nice job at hugging her slim, well built frame and showed off her toned arms that took years of calisthenics to build and paired with a baggy pair of sweatpants she felt like she had the biggest dick in the city.

But once she parked outside of the studio you mentioned cold sweat ran down her spine and her hands felt clammy and sticky from anxiety.

what the hell am I doing

she questioned and rested her head against the steering wheel. She drummed her fingers on the soft leather and hummed a melody to ease her nerves till she heard light tapping on the window. She lifted her head and looked up and there you were. hair loose, shorts and a baggy graphic T that had a faded graffiti-like artwork of spiderman.

She hated how much she loved the sight in front of her.

she opened her door and slid out trying to gather her stuff in a hurry

“Hi sorry, were you waiting long? I missed the bus and had to wait a bit until the next one came…”

“no no! Its cool I was just, ugh trying to calm down cause I'm nervous”

you smiled and lowered your brows in empathy

“I assumed you would. You don't have experience in dancing right? Or at least you haven’t mentioned it anywhere”

She winced at how obvious her lie was and she didn’t know how to answer to that

I don’t dance but If that’s what it takes to fuck you then sure I can learn how to do a Ronde de Jambe

“ah yeah you got me there, I’ve never danced before”

“That’s cool with me. Just curious on what piqued your interest to start now. New hobby or…?”

“yeah new hobby!” she hurried to answer, glad that you inspired her on what lie to use for the day.

You nodded while checking her out head to toe and before she had time to boost her ego and assume that you did because you found her hot you said-

“Hm. I will need you to wear tighter pants next time so that I can see what you are doing with your legs. But for today it's fine”

and took the keys out of your duffel bag

“Well. Ellie williams. Ready to start?”

“ah yeah just, be gentle…? I've never done anything remotely close to dancing with my body and I might be pretty stiff”

“Don’t worry about it. I've had every type of student and all of them managed to pull a few cool moves in their second month. If there’s a will there’s a way”

she smiled more nervous than before. You were formal and professional leaving little close to no space for her to get flirty and she was at a loss. She should’ve done more research on dancer etiquette so that she wouldn’t have looked like such an uneducated swine but there was no point in getting angry over that now.

“We will start with basic breathing exercises and a warm up just to get you in the swing of things. We will start with body isolations”

Ellie stared at you from the mirror as you showed her the first few basic motions

“Alright so for the warmup just follow my lead”

you grabbed the remote and put on “never ending song” by Conan Grey which had a pretty standard rhythm and was easy to dance along to. Ellie was in awe with the plasticity of your body, every move being a continuation of the previous one all like a rolling tide of emotions complimenting the beat and the beat complimenting you.

On the other end, Ellie was too embarrassed to look at her own reflection

“alright so first to isolate your hips from your chest” you said and let the next song play. You laid your palm flat on her back and pointed a bit below her collarbones holding your fist in the air

“move with me, breathe in” you said and she tried to copy your move watching your chest rise. You shook your head

“no, I need only your chest to move. Relax your shoulders love” you teased with an easy smile and Ellie by now was a mess, from the proximity and from the simple exercise of trying to move your breathing pattern

You were oblivious to it all going from one body part to another occasionally fixing up her posture and tapping the part that she had to focus on, but all hell broke loose in your brain when you laid your hand on her stomach asking her to clench and unclench her core hunching within herself.

“You were so dramatic before, look at you Els. You just needed a little basic guidance “ you encouraged and she smiled and looked at you in excitement, oblivious to the fact that when she turned her head she was a breath away from accidentally kissing you

“ah! I-“

you smirked and pulled away

“I've been rehearsing this one choreo, best way to understand these exercises is through a dance routine. How do you feel about that?”

Ellie agreed and while dancing she kept being thrown off balance at the sharp turns that she had to take which in return slowed her down and she would miss a few steps. You let the music play in the background and let out an awkward chuckle

“Fuck ok this is my fault see I forgot to tell you about spotting”

“Spotting?”

You nodded and you pushed her back by her shoulder freeing up a line for you

“See when we turn, we always have a spot” You said and stepped into the appropriate preparation to do 8 simple turns, your head always snapping the back to the invisible mark you held with your eyes

Ellie pursed her lips. Seemed like such an obvious trick but one that went completely over her head

“Now I see that you struggle to look at yourself in the mirror, Which is fine. I’m sure you'll get used to it eventually, so instead try taking a few turns while holding eye contact with me, yeah ?”

You offered and she took a couple steps back

“Ugh…what were all those moves you made before spinning?”

“Oh don’t worry about that,thats ballet stuff. Just spin. Bent your elbows and hold your arms against your chest if it helps”

Ellie started off slow, picking up the pace as she neared you, eventually losing sight of what was in front of her

“Wow-wow-wowwww I got you” you said and steadied her by her shoulders and held her in place. She looked up at you taking in deep breaths, cheeks flushed and eyes wide open with her lips parted in a soft smile

“That went well, How do you feel?”

You said and you gently rubbed your thumb against the naked skin of her biceps.

“Great, I… I liked this it makes more sense now”

She said filled with excitement

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

Every time Ellie liked your story you felt your heart skip a few beats. You were in the studio for your solo dancing practice and kept bouncing from one leg to the other to keep your muscles warm while you scrolled through your phone to find some inspiration or a pic that you could post and in return give Ellie an opening to respond to. The image of her timidly trying to follow along through your every move, her flushed cheeks and her voice shaking did things to your brain chemistry, re-wiring its entire structure and flow. Every time she posted a story with a smug smile and pants lower than her boxer briefs you just laughed remembering what a shy and soft mess of words the girl was and felt an unhealthy amount of endearment. A spark re-ignited in your dead heart and you liked it. You liked ellie when you didn’t know her, and you liked her even more now that you did.

By now it had been…a good two weeks that consisted of 4 dance practices that you had with her. The first time you saw her up close all you thought was a “huh”

And then a “she is shorter than me-“ which for you was dangerous. You had an incredibly soft spot for masc lesbians who were shorter than you. Unfortunately they were never attracted to you though. You had always attracted the exact opposite of what you wanted and you blamed that on your overly dominant attitude.

On the second day you both had the same idea of treating each other to a coffee and so you ended up with 4 paper cups of iced almond milk lattes which you laughed about for a good 10 minutes

“We are so in sync!” You commented and she nodded excitedly, blushing all the way to her ears.

On the third dance practice you purposely pretended to assist her and correct her to find an excuse to touch her and when you saw how positively she reacted to it you pushed on the advantage that you had, heavily , which made you believe that maybe there really was some kind of ulterior motive as to why Ellie was so set on having you as a dancing coach.

On the fourth day there was a shift in the tide and something was in the waters. Ellie had her hair gathered and decided to wear the sluttiest outfit on earth ( aka a white top and grey sweatpants )

She went to greet you with a hug and you noticed her perfume, subtle but there to make you lust after it. She asked if she could record the Dance you were rehearsing for a post and you felt alright with that. And she excelled. She was a fast learner and her body had a good flow. It did need polishing but she wasn’t half as bad as she claimed to be. The fifth video take was close to perfection and in her excitement she yanked you towards her and wrapped you in a tight hug which you immediately reciprocated eager for the contact with the sex God standing before you. You took in the blended smell of her perfume and her sweat which had you feel insufferable discomfort with how tight your pants were. Something about her raw scent had you horny like a dog and you had to clench your jaw in patience not to act out of instinct and try to get closer than needed.

You both laughed and she yelled in excitement “I fucking did it”

And then your voice followed, a bit quieter “I told you, you could do it” she pulled back her arm still on your waist, her thumb caressing the skin as she watched the video a second time in excitement. You took the chance to stand a bit closer to her while she in sync wrapped her whole arm around you and leaned her head against your chest enjoying the dance and pointing out things that you could do differently next time, all in the comfort of each other’s embrace.

She posted the video and in the daze of the excitement of seeing what you two looked like next to each other you forgot to worry about the fact that you were yet again getting entangled with a public figure. An actually big one. While your previous relationship was just your ex leeching off of you and your success, this one…it had to be different. Ellie had nothing to gain from you and you put your trust in that and in the fact that the two of you seemed to genuinely get along

You decided to text her first

“You impatient fuck. We could’ve filmed a better take tomorrow”

“You are such an ass, let me enjoy my accomplishments”

You started tidying up the studio and decided to leave your bag with your ballet clothes and pointe there since you would come tomorrow for Ellie’s lessons anyways. You chatted back and forth all the way back and you almost tripped on your staircase too busy typing a response. You banged your head against your door though thinking you had unlocked it to find that you didn’t. Ophelia opened it for you

“Girl?”

You looked at each other and you immediately broke into a smile the split your lips

“Ellie posted our video. And she left in the part where she hugged me”

“Oh-hooooo” she exclaimed and rushed you in. She tossed the mop on the side of the wall and nudged you to the couch abandoning whatever housework she was in the middle of to listen to you

“Aaaand we are still talking” You said smiling and Ophelia clapped cheering for you while you swung your way inside the house and fell dramatically on the couch.

“Oh my, I’m so glad the Gods heard our prayers cause I was sure I was about to send you off to priesthood”

“It wasn’t that bad”

You said with an offended gasp and she scoffed

“Honey, one more month and you were about to grow back your virginity. I’m just happy to see you back out there and not just with anyone but with The Ellie fucking williams!” She said getting louder with every word. You joined her cheerful demeanor hopping on the couch and you both started bouncing on it like kids in a playground

“I can’t believe this. I wanna wear something good for our practice tomorrow”

“Shorts and that nice red bodysuit!”

“But-“

“No buts! I know it’s uncomfortable but she will see you and rip it off right away so how much will you really suffer, you know?”

Ophelia coming through with the obvious answer to any and every world known issue was exactly what you needed to finish off your day. Though to be fair, if there was anything you should have listened to regarding -making a move on your crush- that would have to be her. She had a banging record of pulling every single guy she set her eyes on and one night standing them for her own satisfaction. Of course now she had her sights on someone specific but that didn’t change or erase all previously acquired skills in the flirting department. Despite all of that, You ended up rejecting the bodysuit idea because that would be a hassle to actually get off if things would go anywhere and even if they wouldn't, anything that tight during summer was a nightmare in general.

“Hey can I borrow that white top you have?”

“Borrow whatever you want and do whatever you want just never let me know about it”

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

on the day that you fully planned on making a move a couple things went wrong. First and foremost well, It decided to rain down which meant you had to run all the way from the bus stop to the studio in a hopeless attempt to preserve your hair and outfit. It didn’t do much since you ended up like a drenched cat either way but you refused to let your mood falter.

You tried texting Ellie to ask if she could bring coffee for you two.

Few minutes later she came in with two iced coffees, not a drop of rain on her which you were awfully jealous of. Her cropped hair was once again all gathered in a short ponytail and she wore two sports wristbands around her arms which did unimaginable things to you. It was good sight with her sleeveless baggy tshirt. Ellie just knew how to dress plain and attractive.

“Looking good” she teased when she found you furiously trying to dry the ends of your hair with a towel

“Shut up. Please shut up”

“So sensitive” she said and rolled her eyes making her way to you and taking the towel from your hands

“Let me help” it wasn’t so much of a request as it was a demand when she pulled the towel out of your hands and moved behind you, wrapping your hair in it and squeezing it to get most of the water out. You felt your body temperature rise at the awfully tender gesture and unsure of what to do you just fidgeted with your hands looking at the floor

“ I can drive you back to your place if you want”

“No, it's fine. Ill wait it out”

“No no, I insist. Let me drive you back and look cool while doing so”

A soft chuckle escaped your lips as she rounded you up to give you the towel with a small shy smile, her cheeks a shade of pink now.

Practice was good if you were to ignore that Ellie seemed a lot more focused on your assets rather than the moves you were showing. You knew the biker shorts you were gave her a 4K view of your ass but you didn't expect her to be this obvious about it. You stepped back after a moment and just watched as she rehearsed the dance on her own and you were in awe on how much more comfortable she seemed with her body now

“Good. This one was very good. Want me to film you so that you look at yourself?”

you asked and she shook her head satisfied with the progress. You slouched on the ground, legs spread and ankles on your knees wiping the sweat of your brow carefully as not wipe your brow completely off with it and looked at the time

“Well we are pretty much done then for today. Unless there’s anything you wanted to ask me or anything else you wanna try doing?” you asked and Ellie followed your lead walking over to you across the room and crouching down on her knees in front of you

“Oh yeah I did wanna ask something”

“go ahead then” you said dreading having to get up. You didn’t have to though

“Can I take you out on a date ? for coffee perhaps?”

[hollisartsblog]

Sorry for the long post, I just felt like I needed to get it out, if you want to read I'd be happy, if not, it's okay!

reading for the first time after almost 5 years what I used to write and think about late at night, and now I feel like doing it again, trying to find the right words.

I wanna talk about being in the moment as an artist, appreciating what you do, and not giving a fuck. (and loving ur young self)

I spent my teenage years drawing and posting here, so I had a lot to read tonight and to think about.

have u ever experienced that strange feeling, where you are like "wow. I was actually so beautiful and smart, who could have ever hated me?"

I was a completely different person, and maybe I miss that little girl, and maybe I hate her even a little. now, I'm not here to talk like I'm in a psychoanalyst's deckchair, of course. but I'm here, to resume the beautiful, however embarrassing in my opinion, habit of writing my most intimate thoughts (shareable, of course) that cross my mind at night, because maybe they can help someone, because we are never alone. just as they helped you years ago, just as it has helped me re-reading them now after all this time. I've had some crazy years. I was young, I was passionate and genuinely free to do whatever I wanted. I had friends, I had just sold a self-published book, I had "fans", I was "successful", I had good grades, I had a girlfriend, yet I wasn't happy. I know it sounds like the usual sweet story about happiness and self-satisfaction, but I don't think so (and even if it was, well, here we are ;) ) I didn't realize how necessary EVERYTHING that was happening to me was.

artists have a huge difficulty accepting that sometimes we have to look inside and accept that we have to constantly learn, instead we are always in a hurry to be perfect, to get likes, to earn, but that's not how it goes. I was literally 16 and already thinking about this, thinking I must be good enough to please everyone.

spoiler: you can never do that.

as I said years ago, our eyes are not the right eyes to judge us.

appreciate the compliments, don't dismiss them with an embarrassed smile. appreciate the effort and hours put into a work even if it is bad for you. hug your self when after a bad day you still have the courage to do what you love. being an artist is beautiful, but a huge burden, especially for us. remember that when our insecurities take over, we are not lucid.

yes, that drawing u posted that got 8 likes made 8 people feel something. how amazing is that?

yes, it will be fine, that text you wrote will be something new in someone's eyes, it won't be something read and re-read to make it perfect. you will amaze and make someone fall in love with what u did.

internet is an amazing place, and sometimes it's not. I got myself into a really bad place because I was too immature and too impatient to immediately be the artist I always felt I was, but NO ONE is after you with a clock ticking away time.

you really think someone care about how much time does it take you to get to your goal? why should it matter? I'm not going to list every single successful person who actually made it and tell you "look! they were poor now they are rich, so u can do it!". i'm telling you to always love the process; I would've punched myself in the face, I hated when adults told me this phrase, but it's true: everything pass. you are not gonna be like this forever. you are gonna love what you do one day, and love life because life takes but gives.

(tw: mental health) I spent years between psychologists and suicidal thoughts, I was never enough, and my art not only made me feel miserable, but it was one of the first reason I fell into depression. it always reminded me how plain, boring, and uninspired I was.

there was never anything that was right in what I did, every comment and every ask you sent me had no weight for me, they meant nothing because I didn't I believed in myself, yet I should have tasted it. now I reread them crying, not believing what I read. I was talented, man, I was full of ideas, I was amazing. I lost that spark, because of fear, of waiting for the right moment. i sabotaged myself because i was afraid of judgement, of pressure, when i had love around me, everywhere.

now I'm in Florence, far from home, studying in a private academy of animation and digital art. would I ever have thought that? absolutely no. I deserve it? Yes. because I, like you artists, have grown, we have learned, and I'll tell you this once and for all: do not give up. things are really getting better. now I'm not saying that because I magically healed and I love my art all of the sudden (unfortunately, I still really struggle) but please don't look at likes, followers. you're good, just because you love what you do, literally that's all that matters. I took a long break, now 2 years, because, as much as I didn't want to admit it, I was starting to hate what I was doing, it had become an obligation, a simple circle to mark before going to sleep on the to-do list. to alone.

16 years old. and it wasn't right.

love what you do, take breaks, post without checking a thousand times, show your work, accept compliments. you have created something, and that is enough.

look at you past as an amazing book you just read, the satisfaction coming from all the pages you already read and learnt from, now you are a different person thanks to them. look at you future with the same excitement when you still have a lot of those pages to read.

[arsenalgbt]

I was writing the latest soccer moms au chapter, torturing Leo and Kieran a little bit like I do and then because I have your post notifications on, I am treated to the sight of that smoking nsfw gif that you tagged as Kai and supermodel au and it altered my brain and I had to play with it a little bit. So I present a snippet from an au I'm not writing but would give anything to read at some point. Hear me out, Ben as the agent, Kai as the model and Dec as this gorgeous innocent little lamb who is a decent photographer but dreams of working on high fashion shoots. He's done a few lowkey shoots and met Kai at some industry event, Kai went out to smoke and Declan was out there getting fresh air. Kai asked for a light and was shocked when Declan didn't have one because didn't every model smoke. He's even more shocked when Declan laughed and explained he was a photographer. Kai was tipsy (champagne on an empty stomach was never smart) and ordered Dec to prove it by photographing him with his phone. it's silly and soft and so far removed from what Kai is used to, had he been sober he would not have been like that. He wakes up in a strangers bed the next morning with a text from Dec saying it was nice to meet him and that he hoped to work with him again and a little winky with the photos attached. Kai thinks Dec is a dork and as he looks at the photos, he thinks he's never looked better. It's the first time the photos he's going through of himself actually look like him. They start texting - they're friends - they want to fuck so bad. An opportunity arises for Kai to help Declan out and he takes it, he still wants to protect Dec though. He doesn't want Dec knowing what he did because not only does he want him to be innocent but also because he thinks Dec would be disgusted if he knew. Declan is one of those sensible types. Here's a snippet, I wrote this instead of the soccer mum's au that I was going to do. Oops

A pretty little thing.

It had always amused Kai when anyone had described him like this, Yes, he was pretty, that much he was willing to admit with the hope of not sounding vain, models like him typically were pretty. It was being described as little that almost always pulled a soft chuckle from his lips though, little just did not feel accurate just over six foot in height. Ben had rolled his eyes when Kai had told him as much, his agent had quickly pointed out his slim waist and his distinct lack of muscles in a way that was neither cruel nor kind. Ben marketed Kai as little and it was Kai's job to ensure he stayed that way.

Ben had been the first person to give him a cigarette, it was before some photoshoot with some photographer that Kai couldn't remember anymore. It was early in his career but Ben was pretty well established as someone who knew what he was doing so Kai hadn't questioned it when Ben placed a cigarette between his fingers, lit it and told him to calm the fuck down before the shoot. Kai had coughed after the first drag in an embarrassing fashion that had made Ben roll his eyes. Kai didn't eat on any of his breaks that day, he'd find Ben and ask for a cigarette instead of asking could he eat only to be told no like usual. Kai liked how smoking made him feel, proper models smoked and that's what he wanted to be. A proper model.

It had been six months since his first cigarette and he had taken to use tobacco scented products to cover the smell of smoke on his skin. He was sure the people who handled the clothes he wore hated him but Kai did not have to care about such people anymore now that he was making money. Ben had told him to leave that kind of thing to him and Kai was happy to do so, especially because he had learned about the extra duties that were often required of models like him on shoots. Duties such as getting fucked by egotistical designers, frustrated photographers, bitchy editors and in one instance that Kai still had not worked out the reasoning for, an uptight caterer. He let them do whatever they wanted to him as long as no cum got on any of the clothes he was wearing and he would reap the appropriate rewards such as getting the nicer outfit or the front coverer. He thinks Ben had him sleep with the caterer because he hadn't had the cash to pay for the cocaine the guy had brought them, Kai hadn't really been bothered enough to ask.

The man currently thrusting into him wasn't the roughest person that Kai had been fucked by in the last few months but he was the most vocal, telling Kai what a pretty little thing he was and how he was a well behaved slut with nearly every thrust. Production managers were an interesting type of person on a shoot, loving the sound of their own voice above all else, Kai knew that as he let this man with pudgy fingers and a genuinely revolting beer belly fuck him that it would be best to stay quiet. Well behaved sluts like him were supposed to be seen and not heard. It was hard not to gasp as his head face was pushed onto the desk in front of him, a prop that he was supposed to be sitting on in a silk two piece if this shoot actually went ahead the next day. The wood was cold against his cheek, the finish on it thankfully smooth "Take a drag, baby"

A cigarette was forced between his lips and Kai did as he was told, thankful for Ben forcing him to take up smoking all those months ago. Ben was a good agent, and occasionally the closest thing Kai had to a friend in the industry in the UK, he always made sure Kai was prepared for every eventuality. Kai exhaled, wishing someone was there to record it as he did so because he was aware he looked good. A small part of him wished Declan was there with his dorky grin and politeness, soaking in the scene from behind the camera lens. The man fucking him came a few minutes later after some more overly dramatic thrusting and Kai frowned when he was ordered to pull up his trousers. He hated the ones that didn't ensure he also finished, especially when they had made such a big deal to ensure his insiders were smeared with their cum.

"So, do we have a deal?" Kai asked, his trousers buttoned and his hand instinctively reaching for the cigarette that the man had lit and forced him to take a drag of as he had fucked him. It was almost down to the butt but Kai was grateful to be offered another drag. When it came to trading sex for something, Ben was the one who always did the negotiations and was probably going to pass out when he found out that Kai had worked on his own initiative to hatch this particular deal. The drag of the cigarette grounded him, reminded him to make sure he got his reward before he left. He'd probably wank in the shower as soon as he got home, he'd earned a realease.

"This boy of yours, he's good?"

"He'll do the job" Kai replied, voice firm like Ben's would be. The implication that Declan was his boy made his heart flutter in a way that he did not want to think about for too long. Declan was his friend, Kai was doing him a favour. There was nothing else to it "He's the type to show up early and stay late, he'll get the photos we need"

"I don't like taking chances on unknowns" the man replied and Kai felt a cold chill run down his spine. He should have gotten Ben involved, he should have known that he was not able for pulling something like this off on his own. He was a pretty little thing, not a brainy type "Will he be happy to show me why I should?"

Kai knew that the man wasn't talking about Declan arriving with his portfolio, the man wanted access to one of Declan's holes and the thought of Declan in that way filled Kai with a range of emotions from anger to jealousy to arousal. Kai had to ensure that Declan wasn't going to be used in that way and had a sneaking feeling that reminding the man he was was facing that without Declan the shoot wouldn't go ahead at all after the original photographer and the back up photographer had both pulled out. Declan was their only hope but Kai was not prepared for him to be tainted by the industry yet. His loss of innocence should be the blood on someone else's hands, Kai couldn't be the cause of it the same way that Ben had caused his "He won't be happy to do so but I'll happily remind you why it was a good idea tomorrow, however you'd like me to"

-💙🤍kt anon

GENUINELY

everything about this one. every single word. the weaved sentences. every single one. this is officially my most favouritest writing of yours no cap no lie 100% this is it. numero uno. Jesus Christ. it's so perfect to a T.

how the cig started everything. his meeting with dec. ben using one to 'help' his FIRST photoshoot nerves. fuck yo.

in my supermodel au, aside from dec being an arsenal player, I also had an idea of him being a photographer BUT thought eh, it's been done too many times BUT A ROOKIE PHOTOGRAPHER? literally started from the bottom photographer dec who is sweet and doesn't smoke........................ FUCK YEAH MATE

everything . I mean it. every single thing.

kai has only been in the industry for less than a year? 6 months? truly sleeping his ways to the top and we are here for it. the modelling industry is no joke.

SOCIAL MEDIA. in my head obv as a supermodel, kai doesn't use social media. had an old one before his career took off tho, and perhaps rivals/haters will dig it up and idk, there's one of him and an ex (jurrien cough or someone else jona tah or maybe allegedly married man toni rudiger ya feel me) AAAAAAAAH

genuinelyyy yours is so perfect yo I am tempted to write but idk man. it's too perfect. don't want to taint it with my writing. maybe an AU of my AU's snippet written by yours AU? LMAO I have a big dando project I need to catch up before the end of the year and the omega prince kai ajshfkasdfjah

and unforch I know, you know, we all know you have life (which is great don't be like me) and are not a fast writer AJKSJFJASKFLKAJK not a dig just a fact 😭 and goddamn this snippet is too delicious to pass BUT AJSJHFJKAJKDFAJKL

that gif is crazy isn't it. that's literally kai. the eyebrows sultry eyes nose lips the face.............

AND HOW COULD I FORGET; ben marketing him as 'little'. his slim waist. no muscles definition.................. waif kai............ who, depending on the angle, can look pretty, handsome, strange, but still; alluring............... GOD (and me being me, obv I WANT willo as a fellow supermodel who annoys ben every time he and kai are walking the same runways / in a photoshoot BUT unforch, willo's bff, arsenal player Gabriel magalhaes, was ben's actual ex boyfriend lol)

[therandomfaebean]

*crawls up beaten up to you, all bandaged up*

Please sir, pretty please would you write some Dating headcanons for DJ Octavio? And if you have a morsel to spare, could you have the reader use he/him pronouns, be a straight up octoling, (I have to specify because of changeling stuff. Don’t even ask what that is.) and if you’re feeling generous, have the reader be autistic? I’ll love you forever, pretty please?/nf, just being silly.

I saw your post saying you would write for DJ Octavio so I’m sorry if you don’t do that anymore🤯🤯

*scurries away*

OFC!!!! Im currently OBSESSED with fish-like men who start evil and end up good in the end.

This is ONLY fluff and smooches because im tired.

also its he/him

Also i don't know how to write Autism :(

~*loading*~

Dating DJ Octavio HC's (he/him reader) (octoling)

day to day life

~DJ always cooks.

~he makes SO many different dishes

~He is generally really busy but if hes out and about he will constantly text.

~Insists on having a bit of schedule

~only good at a few chores about 45%

DATES:

~always likes big fancy dates of any kind

~Fancy restaurant? sure! Pricey concert? sure!

~he likes quite things but doesn't know how to interact in them since hes the DJ and hes used to a busy place.

Cuddling and PDA:

~he's REALLY big on PDA. he'll kiss you and hug you in front of anyone.

~you are his after all

~when he cuddles he uses you as his personal teddy bear

~he's 10 foot 5 inches so you are smol to him

~If you are sitting on you phone, watching TV, Reading, or whatever else you are doing he will cling to you until you wiggle away or he gets up

~He DEFINITELY carries you around or randomly lifts you. (also if you need a good view of something he just plops you on his shoulders)

Kissing:

~Not shy at all

~Always tries to deepen the kiss

~uses steamy kisses to drive people away

~Hes REALLY good at kissing

(Octoling army specific HCS)

~Demands the armies respect you just as much as him

~you will always have the best gear

(Normal citizen HCS)

~He comes to any Turf War battles you may have and generally embarrasses himself a little by holding up giant signs or painting his face the color of your teams ink (unless its a similar shade to his ink)

Other Random Stuff

~if you are upset for any reason he gives you all his attention until you feel better

~Actually a big softie

~Introduced you to ALL the idols

~teaches you to sing or play an instrument

~Does your Hairstyle

~if anyone is rude to you (for any reason) he yells at them .A guy once judged Y'alls relationship and The DJ yelled at him until you stopped him.

[insomniaccipher]

EDIT (24/3): so um, I posted this way way too early. In my sleep deprived state I guess I posted it rather than save it as a draft, since it's clearly not done. I'm not going to private it, people have already seen it so expect this to be updated with the remaining notes. Sorry and thank you for understanding!

(tw for mention of depression and a depressive episode)

After a few days of me being absolutely fucking drained and progressively chipping away at this, and having a surprise d3pr3ssiv3 episode

(seriously though, don't do what I did and work yourself into a depressive episode. I'm okay now, but I should have rested before I crashed.)

And I can finally present the original sketches, notes (internal dialogue included) and with additional notes provided by present me.

Thank you to the few people who showed interest in my little character for being patient with me, I know I wasn't super loyal with the time frame and kept having issues arise but here it is. I apologise for not having a full illustration of them, It's one of those things that I have to be 100 percent satisfied with and right now, it's not there.

Thank you so so much again and I hope you like them, please feel free to critique them or ask questions but try to keep it polite please. Love you all!

Page 1 (left) - Bits and bobs

- Originally I was thinking of giving Arc moving tattoos. This was because I wanted them to have a more clear connection to ink since they would already be around it quite a lot also I imagine it would have been funny for Arc, who is a very calm and collected person, to be in a frustrating situation but can't express it so their tattoos just fucking loose it showing that they are fucking fuming but looks calm as can be.

After I decided on the hat with a veil however I decided to scrap the idea, or at least save it for a different character, as I realized the character would feel too busy and between the two ideas I liked the hat and veil more.

- There was a short-lived idea of them having blackout tattoos but after a bit of research I decided not to ask I wasn't sure if they had any cultural significance, so better safe than sorry.

- Arc, as stated in the notes, is seemingly always calm. That doesn't mean they can't feel frustrated, sad, embarrassed it just means they can keep their composure and level headed. They're like one of those people that if you upset them they'll walk out the room yell and throw shit and walk back in calm as can be.

- Their role has by now developed more than just being an archivist, as now I see them as just a general records keeper. They find and keep old records and text organised, while also writing down new information and such. I'm not changing their name though, cause honestly I've just grown attached to their nickname.

Page 2 (right) - the first note and ideas

- Weirdly enough, the very first idea I had for this character wasn't their story or personality: but their hat and veil. Yup. I just liked the idea of a character with a big halo hat and a veil hiding their face.

- There was another character at one point or they might have been the same, I don't exactly remember and the details between them were similar enough that it's possible that they were just the same character just with minor tweaks. But that character was more connected to the band (again as in the personas/characters they play, not the irl people) while Arc is more of a solo unit.

Mentioning this other character is relevant because, and this is purely based on memory, I think the whole reason they were reworked/scrapped/whatever-the-fuck I did with them was because a hat and veil wouldn't be practical on stage.

- Anyway whenever they do take the veil off, either for more delicate work or they have to be in public, they'll put on a basic mask that covers the majority of their lower face.

- A lot of stuff I see, so forgive me if it's not actually a popular concept, seems to make the band members some form of inhuman. Which I fucking love, however to be honest the inhuman stuff was always kind of going to be part of them no matter what, even if I hadn't chosen the hat and veil concept (See top bullet point for the moving tattoos concept).

[wit-and-worry]

There’s this slightly younger acquaintance I have(had?) who seems to enjoy my company, and with whom I’ve only had seemingly mutually enjoyable and lengthy conversations, but who doesn’t usually initiate contact. He doesn’t seem very online, and has a strong and tight circle of friends he likes. He’s interesting. He’s bright and respectful. He’s almost too polite, in person. But is it so hard to communicate with him over text. Mostly because he doesn’t text back, for whatever reason.

Before we got to talking on the last day of my senior year(he was a Junior at the time), I was frankly intimidated by him. He was the brightest kid in my Hnrs Physics class. He seemed to pick up the material like a pile of feathers. He seemed friendly and confident and put together. He was starkly unlike me. I was and still am struggling not to be a miserable slob with no concept of time or personal responsibility every day. What drew my interest in pursuing a friendship was his evident interest in the kind of literature I was interested in. I saw many Asimov books on his desk and in his hand throughout the year, but also some classics like Heart of Darkness(which I figured was for class but I’m not sure of now), and the Slaughterhouse Five(maybe Cat’s Cradle? I saw him carrying a Vonnegut novel for sure), and some others I can’t remember the names of now, and an anthology of Camus’ short stories. When I saw him with those books I felt like a dog seeing another dog for the first time. My brain went: oh shit! Dog dog dog dog! (gonna go on a tangent now) I’ve historically gravitated towards classic lit, primarily because I had the idea that reading influential works of literature and studying them would help make me a better writer. Not that I didn’t and don’t earnestly enjoy them. Much of classic literature carries me way out of the modern world without alienating me from humanity. I can usually rely on it to be somewhat deftly written and it’s fun to geek out over. It’s fun but lonely. It is also very intimate and rewarding.

When I meet people who share that passion, it implies to me that they have the patience and curiosity and courage it takes to appreciate it.

I admit that, initially, there was also a glamor to the idea of being a young person, having all of that high brow literature under my belt, and as a result being praised by teachers for being articulate and mature and all of that. It’s embarrassing to admit, even to myself, that my interest in classic literature is in part a consequence of my being given, as Savannah Brown once put it “well-timed praise”, but it is what it is.

I still do think that it is beneficial for those who are serious about writing to visit or revisit the work of influential writers. It’s just that now I feel a restless craving for transgressive art. I want to read the kind of fucked up and intimate fiction I want to write.

Anyway I started writing this post to bitch into the void to be honest, because I suspect that this acquaintance of mine isn’t interested in befriending me, and I’m bummed. I’ve reached out a few times either to start a conversation or schedule a hangout, but it’s getting to be a hassle. He has little reason to pursue my friendship, because he’s pretty content with his social life as it is. He’s pretty elusive. He’s apparently very busy. I’m not, which is why I’m pursuing. But I’m tired of making an ass of myself pursuing people. I’ve been the pursuer for most of my life. I might have to let this one go. Or just let him come to me, if he ever does. It’s weird. I’m overthinking this for sure. I just don’t want to drive him away. I think he’s cool, despite being a year younger than me lol. It may seem like I have a crush on this guy, but I promise that is not the case. I don’t want it to ever go there. He seems straight, besides. I’m just so lonely that it’s pathetic. It’s not gotten to the point that I will settle for anyone, but I hit it off with this guy in a way I haven’t with anyone in years. Hard not to want to relive that initial rush. I can’t help but wonder if I said something that creeped him out the last time we hung out. I can think of a few things that he may have misread, which keep me up at night. Well I don’t know what else to say so I’m going to stop here.

-some guy

[aloneandunreal]

august 7, 2023

i'm having trouble knowing how to start this. i haven't posted in awhile, but twenty hasn't been too horrible to me so far. it still feels weird to say that i'm twenty, but i'm starting to feel it -- just a bit. emphasis on just a bit. for this post, i wanted to write a bit about my love life. relatively non-existent, but there has been some movement in the past week or so. though probably not anymore. but i'm getting ahead of myself.

i've always been the type of person who loved love. or at least the idea of it. even as a child, i would always pick someone to have a crush on when the school year began. sometimes it would stick, and other times my eyes would move elsewhere. of course, because i'm me, i never confessed my feelings to any of them. but, there was a sort of safety and comfort in leaving it as just a crush. while i had always wanted to be in a relationship, they were sort of scary. unknown territory. still are! i've always been relatively non-committal; bored easy. for the short time i was in a relationship (8th grade, so i don't really count it), i almost immediately felt trapped. not because of him, it wasn't as if he was controlling or anything of the sort, but for whatever reason i felt bound to him. sort of suffocating, in a way. same goes for the girl i "dated" for three days (something i always try to put out of my mind) who was constantly texting me and being clingy. i guess i've always been the type to want my own space. to be left alone. and my eyes always move elsewhere after a certain amount of time. while i would never cheat, i can remember when i did have a boyfriend, i was already developing a crush on somebody else. after awhile, it was no longer exciting. i was bored. i'm still like this, in a way. not that i'd really know, considering i haven't ever been in a "real" relationship -- but still.

of course, a part of me is insecure that i had no dating experience in high school. or even a talking stage. there was one boy who liked me for awhile, and i even said 'yes' when he asked me out, but i didn't actually like him and broke up with him hours later. it simply felt nice being wanted. i liked "the chase" -- always have. this is a pretty horrible thing to admit, but it's the truth, and i can admit it because it's my private blog.

for me, the thought of dating someone, at first, is very exciting. i would love to. i want to do fun things, i want someone to love me, i want to be someone's 'special someone' and vice versa. however, then i really start to think about it and a weird feeling forms in my stomach. i don't understand it. i can't even explain the feeling because there are no words i can use to describe it. the thought that anyone could ever see me in a romantic and sexual manner is sort of unbelievable and horrifying. that's why i never know when it's the right time to 'date someone.' how long should the talking stage be for? rushing into things would give me anxiety, but waiting it out and not communicating with them "what we are" would also give me anxiety. i'm confusing like that.

most of all, i don't think anyone could love me unconditionally. both due to not feeling attractive enough; but also due to being an awkward person who is embarrassed constantly (over little things... or nothing). even if someone were to be interested, they'd get bored. just like i do.

i guess, at the moment, i just want to feel wanted. i want people to be attracted to me, and i want to be able to tell. i want to be the type of girl that is always remembered -- an enigma. of course, impossible for someone like me, but i can't help but want it. ironically enough, i even had a guy say to me "in a movie, you'd probably be the main character's best friend, with a really deep backstory." that made me feel great about myself (sarcasm). while it wasn't that serious, it's still something that made me think: what can i do to be more interesting? more cool? more memorable? nothing, probably.

even if i were to find someone i liked who liked me, and got into a relationship, i feel like i'd never be able to TRULY be myself. the song 'trying 2 fool u' by remo drive sort of encapsulates these feelings:

i've been laying on the floor trying to keep cool i've been licking off the dust, trying to fool you i've always struck myself as someone who's uncomfortable [...] i've always struck myself as someone who's impossible waving at the sky i wanted to let go, i didn't want to say goodbye

although i know this probably isn't the meaning of the song, i feel like i'll always be 'fooling' someone, at least initially. i feel like, no matter how hard i try, nobody will see the real me. it scares me to be that vulnerable. i open up easily, but not about things that really scare me. so, by 'fooling' i mean not showing my true self, the parts of me that aren't the prettiest. it's hard to explain, but i'm not sure i will ever find someone who will be patient enough with me to get comfortable. i don't think i deserve anyone's patience because i don't feel pretty enough (to deserve it). it's incredibly difficult for me to explain, but since i don't consider myself pretty, i feel like i have to be perfect in all aspects. if i'm not pretty, there has to be another valid reason to date me. pretty girls can be weird/strange, clumsy, quiet. they can complain and express their wants. on the other hand, i can't. i can't complain because i'm only being dated because i'm a people-pleaser. once i am no longer that, there is no other reason to love me. i'm only being dated because i always have self-control, never express my feelings. once i do open up, cry, complain, get angry -- that's it. there is no other reason for someone to stay with me. and the list goes on. i know it sounds irrational and strange, but i'm trying to explain it in the best way i can. basically: since i'm not pretty, i cannot have any other faults.

i'm not going to be editing/re-reading this, so it may be written strangely, so let's hope i don't sound absolutely confusing.

anyway. those are pretty much my feelings on love and relationships. i want it, but i also don't. but, mostly, i do want it. it just seems impossible for me to obtain, especially in this day and age. whenever i see a cute couple, or hear about my friend's relationships, a part of me wonders: why can't that ever be me? why can't something special and exciting like that happen to me? when is it my turn to be happy?

insert never had no one ever by the smiths because i am corny like that.

(slight NSFW) my inexperience with dating, sex, etc, is also probably an extreme turn-off for most people. most people were in relationships in high school, early college, etc. now that i'm a junior in college, i feel so inexperienced and embarrassed. i'm the type of person that needs to be good at things immediately; and the fact that i probably won't be good at kissing, any form of sex, etc is quite honestly humiliating. but there's no way to practice. and so if i ever do potentially meet someone, and want to go to that level with them, i'll have to explain that i've never done this before. how disappointing for them. i like to please, and when i can't, i get awkward and nervous. but, of course, i can't imagine myself ever getting to that point anyway. the thought of any form of sex scares me. not in a normal way, but more-so in a 'i'm insecure about my body' sort of way. how could anyone be sexually attracted to me? what if they aren't turned on? what if they realize i'm not what they expected? so many 'what-if's' and no answers.

but anyway. changing the subject, the reason i wrote this entry was to describe a situation that occurred almost a week ago. a good one! which is probably surprising after all this pessimism about love. i kissed someone for the second time and it was the most magical kiss of experienced so far -- of course, i'm putting it dramatically, considering i've only been kissed by one other person.

i'm not going to retell the story in full detail, but i met up with someone for a date in a different country while on vacation -- a one time thing, obviously -- as a spontaneous, adventurous thing (trying to push myself!) and it went incredibly well. the type of thing i'll probably remember forever. not because i'm madly in love with this person or anything, but simply because of the experience overall.

it was a nice date for the most part. of course, because i'm me, there were some things that i felt insecure about, but overall it was great. there was a sort of freedom in realizing this was a one-time thing, and i could really do whatever i wanted and likely never see him again. obviously, i didn't do anything actually "crazy", but i did kiss him. and enjoyed it. it was fun! i was awkward, of course, and unsure. i kept stalling. but he was very understanding and patient, maybe he even found it cute. the most exciting part was that i liked it more than my first kiss (but anything could be better than that!) and he seemed to enjoy it too. like, actually. genuinely. don't ask how i know. it was such an exhilirating feeling. i'm wanted! i'm wanted! he likes me! he thinks i'm pretty! and he's CUTE? how could a cute guy ever want me...

it boosted my ego maybe just a bit. i can't help it. i know, i know, male-validation is a killer. i know there's something much deeper here than simply wanting him to want me, but for a second i just want to stop those thoughts and feel excited about it. considering my non-existent love life, this whole experience with him felt pretty movie-esque. while it may have been normal for anyone else, it was just so special for me. not just because of the kiss, but just being able to get comfortable with someone like that. while i was awkward initially (no surprise), i grew more comfortable and less embarrassed (remember- everything is embarrassing to me), and i think he liked that. maybe i'm looking through rose-colored glasses, and things were not actually this magical, but whatever. i am still so excited i had this experience. even if nothing came out of it, it made me feel confident for a second, and it was fun and exciting. despite not seeming like it, i always have wanted to simply have fun and be adventurous.

of course, knowing me, there was a bit of overthinking and anxiety after the fact. i might have ruined the moment a little bit when he said something that made me feel insecure, and i felt the need to tell him. basically, he said to me: "i didn't think we'd get this far." which made me feel sensitive -- i don't think i am the type of girl who would kiss or get handsy on the first date. but this was a 'first and last date' sort of deal. so of course i was going to kiss a cute guy i'd never see again. anyway, i told him this. it felt like he was insinuating i was being "easy" and i hated that feeling. while there is nothing wrong with that, it's still looked down upon by most people. and as a woman, i wouldn't want to be seen that way. fortunately, he was pretty understanding, explaining that he mostly had just said it because he was happy i'd gotten comfortable enough to do anything with him. and that if anyone was the 'easy' one, it was him. whether this was true or not, i took his word and things were fine after that. it's not a big deal, but just something i felt i needed to mention in this entry. i'm stupidly sensitive.

i don't know what he was expecting to get out of me, but it went no farther than kissing (of course). perhaps he wanted more than that, and had wanted that since the beginning, but i'm going to be oblivious to the fact. for once, i'm going to recognize that i actually don't know what he was thinking and never will... so why overthink it? it's not that easy, and even writing this i'm thinking more deeply about the things i did and said (and cringing), but i'm going to try not to.

overall, as i've said multiple times, i am very happy with myself for going through with this date. because it was fun. it made me feel confident, even if it was just for a moment. unfortunately for me, this only lasted for a bit, which was unsurprising. male-validation only lasts for so long when you're insecure. i was trying not to overthink things, but i couldn't help but think... "why would he like me?" and "i think he's out of my league." it didn't help that i saw some horrendous photos taken of me. the bliss i felt was over. it felt nice while it lasted, but those feelings of ugliness and being unwanted came back soon enough. was he pitying me? because why would someone like him kiss someone like me. he was far too attractive for me. and the insecure thoughts go on...

i can't help it.

while i'm feeling a bit better now, those thoughts will probably continue to linger as i start to think about dating. it's all i ever think about. having a face so unlovable. i wish i had a face that could be loved -- adored. found beautiful. but, until i believe it, i won't ever realize if someone actually does. which i suppose is some sort of progress -- admitting to myself that i am insecure, and that perhaps this is all in my head, that my ugliness is not as bad as i thought and the little things i notice about myself are not noticed by others. but, of course, as of now, i can't believe that fully.

and so, those are my feelings on love at the moment. of course, i could go more in-depth, but i think that's all i have for now. despite my insecurities and nervousness about dating, deep down i do want to love and to be loved. is it possible for someone like me, though?

i hope soon the day will come that someone will find me special, beautiful, lovable. i hope soon it'll my turn to "be happy." i hope soon i'll be in the type of relationship that, now, i am envious of. i hope, i hope. but will i make it happen? that's the only question. despite wishing it wasn't the case, i also have to put in effort.

ending this, i'll leave some songs that give me some hope for love, or at least i can relate to:

everybody wants to love you - japanese breakfast (everybody wants to love you) / everybody wants to love you hate yourself - tv girl you'd fall in love with anyone / i think you'd fall in love with anyone / who fell in love with you / and they frequently do lloyd, i'm ready to be heartbroken - camera obscura hey lloyd, i'm ready to be heartbroken / 'cause i can't see further than my own nose at this moment andromeda - weyes blood find a love that will make you / i dare you to try [...] i'm ready to try / treat me right / i'm still a good man's daughter i want you to love me - fiona apple i want somebody to want / and i want, what i want, and i want / you to love me spit on a stranger - pavement honey i'm a prize and you're a catch / and we're a perfect match cupid - alexandra savior filled in a hole in the road, we were speaking in code / stuck in fantasy mode [...] i forgot how i ought to feel / it's a whole lot to hold back, you know that cupid shoots to kill

[bookishfeylin]

Feel free to ignore if you're tired of hearing about this, but: your tags about SJM injecting real world morals into her stories and then ignoring them. Suddenly I am entirely clicking with where you are and from what point you're making your commentary. SJM is the one who chose to use modern concepts and buzz words for abuse and PTSD, and she is the one who chose to judge some characters by modern moral concepts but not others. That's what makes it so hard to do the usual analysis of characters, so I just don't. But you, if I understand you, are making your analyses to point out the flaws and holes in HER judgments. To show that SHE made it unbalanced and isn't playing by her own rules.

Yes, this is it exactly. I despise hypocrisy, and Sarah's books are unfortunately the pinnacle of such. The same standards that are used to judge Tamlin and Nesta would also render Feysand and co abusive, but the text (read: Sarah's favoritism) refuses to acknowledge that, doing a disservice to her own themes in the first place.

I also want to apologize in advance for the rant this is going to turn into, because man do I have FEELINGS about this.

Part of the reason the ACOTAR fandom is so toxic is because Mrs. Maas applied real world standards to a fantasy series, creating a conundrum where some characters are allowed to exist in and operate within a fantasy-based morality (like Rhysand, the Inner Circle, and Feyre) whilst others are held up to a stricter, real-world morality and are vehemently critiqued in text for failing to meet the moral standards of our world (Tamlin, Nesta, even Lucien), leaving fans of the latter group of characters to call out the hypocrisy in text for their characters being evaluated by standards that the former aren’t held to whilst fans of the former set of characters happily indulge in such hypocritical writing even while promoting this series as an excellent example of handling of real-world themes like abuse (and yes I did copy and paste this entire paragraph from another post of mine lol).

Some weeks back I saw someone on THAT SIDE of the fandom explain that they hated Tamlin because he abused Feyre (valid!) and pull out a picture of Sarah including the National Domestic Violence Hotline at the end of ACOFAS as evidence that liking him was morally wrong or whatever (I'd reblog the post, but OP is, again, on THAT SIDE of the fandom and sadly has me blocked now :( ).

But that same hotline is the one I've used in my analysis of why RHYSAND is abusive here, here, and here. The same source Sarah includes in these books to make a point about Tamlin being abusive also renders Rhysand abusive. But here's what gets me: The person and others like her who were reblogging that pic of the domestic violence hotline were also whining about people judging Rhysand by real world standards. Yes, I'm serious. For a topic like abuse, one deeply personal to me and many others, Sarah (and her fandom) can't pick and choose what characters to apply real world standards to. Not for something like this.

But we don't even have to use real world standards to call out the hypocrisy in how her characters were written--we can use ACOTAR's own morality as well. Case in point: Nesta's treatment in ACOSF. Locking Nesta up is treated as the right thing to do in ACOSF, but ACOMAF goes OUT OF ITS WAY to show that locking someone up is wrong and is a violation of your personal bodily autonomy, NO MATTER THE REASON. This action is often defended in one of two ways: by stans saying that Nesta was embarrassing Feysand when they needed to be keeping up appearances for the court, or, more commonly, because Nesta was an alcoholic. But neither reply holds water. If Nesta embarrassing Feysand in ACOSF was bad because they needed to keep up appearances as the court rebuilt and prepared for war with the mortal queens and Koschei, then... that justifies Tamlin getting upset with Feyre over the tithe several books earlier. That was his logic for being upset that Feyre gave the water wraith her jewelry, and also his logic for (according to fandom) "stuffing her in dresses"--keeping up appearances for the people and preventing Hybern from finding any weakness to exploit (again, this is according to fandom. In the books, the dresses were chosen by Ianthe but we both know no one pays attention and Tamlin is blamed for everything anyway). So either Tamlin was justified in ACOMAF, or Feysand are wrong. Nesta's alcoholism isn't a good excuse either, because if she were truly an alcoholic, Feysand would've put a healer in the House with her to help her through withdrawal and prevent her from having a seizure and dying, which I'll discuss in more detail in my upcoming post about Nesta. Either way, Feysand's treatment of Nesta was inexcusable by ACOTAR's own rules that say locking people up is bad, and in trying to excuse this some stans accidentally justify Tamlin's behavior in ACOMAF as he had the same excuses.

This also applies to the Inner Circle voting on whether or not to keep Nesta's powers a secret from her--didn't ACOMAF also say that that was bad and controlling on Tamlin's part? Why is Tamlin keeping Feyre's magic a secret abusive and controlling, but the Inner Circle deciding to do the same (even if it failed anyway) is fine?

The hypocrisy that began in ACOMAF in which Tamlin was declared abusive but Rhysand wasn't despite Rhysand... also being abusive spiraled out of control in ACOSF and is ultimately what fractured this fandom, and because of said hypocrisy nothing after ACOTAR 1 is enjoyable for me.

So yes. Beyond ACOTAR 1, I'm forced to evaluate the characters with the real-world morals Sarah decided to randomly include, and in doing so can't help but be faced by this series' own hypocrisy, and I'm hoping my analysis will allow others to see that the hypocrisy ultimately causes it to fold in on itself and destroys its own point.

[genshinlover101]

Kaeya, Hu-tao, Raiden Shogun and Lisa having their thirst awakened by the sight of their lover well exercised shoulders and back as they Train (Kaeya), do woodwork (Hu-tao), translate text and write scrolls (R.Shogun) or simply do some heavy lifting (Lisa)

Put a shirt on that beast? What? And lose the chance to admire that piece of fine art! Let them be horny.

Them Being Aroused by Your Back Muscles

Characters: Kaeya, Hu Tao, Raiden Shogun, Lisa x gn!reader

Warnings: Slight nsfw

A/n: I feel bad for posting a thirst headcanon after not posting for a while but I gotta do what I gotta do 😎

• Kaeya is always such a naughty man with a big personality. His humor consisted of teasing you, rarely did he ever actually get flustered by meaningless flirting. Yet something about your physic drove him crazy.

• Although Kaeya is known for being quite a mischievous young man, he knows when his schemes are appropriate and when they’re out of pocket. So when out of the blue your shoulder muscles pultruded he couldn’t simply keep his composure as always.

One swoosh, your sword cuts the grass so slightly. Another swoosh, your sword mimics over and over as sweat sweeps down your forehead. Your vision grew blurry as you descended into an autopilot state as you trained just outside of the borders on Mondstadt. You didn’t even recognize the heavy footsteps of the man sneaking up behind you.

A hand slithering atop of your shoulder as he stops the swinging of your sword with a swift but firm catch of your opposite arm when it raised once more. “Interesting- you’ve been training quite fervently haven’t you?” He teases you, you knew his cruel personality was disguised by his lazy laid-back attitude. 

“You know I came to visit you exclusively, and you’ve greeted me with certainly a delightful view.” Despite the breeze of Mondstadt winds cooling the beating of the afternoon sun, you felt your face flush and an impending heat stroke just through your embarrassment.  

A man such as himself had no shame in holding his inner desires anymore when it came to you. With a sharp kick to his right shin, he released you from his grip, freeing yourself as you dust yourself off from his germs. “Jeez, so feisty,” He hissed, “Not even a hi or hello to your captain? You never were an easy one were you?”

• Hu Tao usually isn’t such an observant person to your sexual appeal. She was with you in the first place because of your tolerant personality, not paying much attention to your physical appearance.

• Hu Tao was caught very off guard when it first hit her. The butterflies in her stomach as her flower-shaped pupils dilated to the maximum. She hadn’t the slightest clue what her innocent heart was feeling for you, trying to play everything cool.

You wiped the sweat from your forehead as you took a deep breath, your hand resting on the handle of the axe as its head rested on the forest floor. Winded as you had just split two logs of wood in a single moment. As you positioned another log to cut, you heard twinkle toes scuffling through the fallen leaves and twigs. 

Looking behind you was your girlfriend Hu Tao. “Aw man~ was I too loud? You should’ve just pretended you didn’t notice me hehe,” She joked around with you. As much as she was pretending, she really wanted you to stay turned from her. The reasoning behind her slow steps was that she wanted to admire your figure longer without being a total stalker.

“Turn around and work again hmm? Don’t let lil’ol me bother a hunk such as yourself,” your face in pure confusion. Your physical state was so worn that you didn’t realize how odd Hu Tao was acting. Her arms reaching to give you a massage as she smoothed out the valleys of your back muscles. “Hmm, when did you become so toned?”

Her body coming closer as her head enclosed in the nook of your neck. A small giggle vibrated your neck as she planted a kiss before immediately fleeing the scene to go do whatever she had to complete in this neck of the woods. Giving you a quick salute as her eyes felt dizzy, “See ya! I gotta do some uh- prepping for burials.... hmm, yeah.”

• Ei also isn’t observant, not because she’s dense, but because she just doesn’t care for outward appearance. All that mattered to her in the past was power, if you didn’t have any you didn’t matter to her.

• When Ei saw you she thought her eyes were deceiving her. Your defined muscles portraying those drawings in books made for ancient models with the perfect body. When she felt your shoulders it ignited her inner craving for you.

Ei felt a little hazy, bursting the doors open to your bedroom to ask if you’d have the pleasure to join her for some tea. As she made her way to your desk the first thing she saw was your naturally toned muscles, glistening as you wrote paragraphs of words on a single scroll. Was it even possible for a mortal to achieve such physic?

She silently approached you, too captivated to mention her presence. The cold touch of her palms dragging down from your neck to your shoulders as she leaned in to kiss your cheek briefly. Her oddly affectionate state catching you off guard. You even felt her long and thick strands of hair draping around you. Looking up at her with curious eyes.

Her hands made wave motions as they dipped into the crevasses and reappeared on your body. “Have you been working out recently my love?” She whispered in your ear, her eyes closed in a poised manner. “Remember not to stress yourself- I can tell you’ve been working hard, I don’t remember you looking this pleasing to the eyes.”

You hummed in her hold, listening to her steady breath become steamy as she continued to subtly feel your muscles. She knew you knew what she was feeling, her eyes just a sliver open as she whispered in your ear, “You dare seduce the Shogun?”

• Lisa is naturally in touch with her sexuality. A stunning, young, and intelligent woman such as herself knows her self worth entirely. She’s careful choosing you as her lover, making sure each and every “asset” of you is to her complete liking.

• Lisa was the most boisterous about her lust for you. The moment she saw your shoulder muscles flex while lifting that heavy box she began howling in excitement. She just had to get a feel, maybe a lick, or a kiss despite your pleads.

You knelt down close to the ground, your posture adjusted so you wouldn’t pull a muscle as you grunted to lift a heavy box full of books. Lisa was redoing the library layout and needed help lifting all the books in the boxes. Not only were you available to help her, but you were free labor for her. Your back tensing against the weight of the hardcover books.

You thought you could hear someone cry in pain, but it was just Lisa shouting “awooga!” as she cat-called you. The sound of heels clacking against the wooden boards, you could hear her approaching you ever so slightly. One foot in front of the other until she finally reached you. Bringing you in closer as you felt the curvature of her body run down your spine. The feeling of acrylic nails dragging against each shoulder blade, feeling each valley and hill of your back.

The warmth of her hot breath as you heard a loud smooch, feeling Lisa’a open mouth against you. Even some vague wet marks, you couldn’t feel it all that well, but you could definitely tell how graphic she was acting towards you right now. “Miss Lisa, please… I might drop your precious merchandise,” you panted with a large blush.

“Forget about all that darling,” she whispered against your back. “I cannot simply stop here when you’ve got me drooling for you already. Such a tease you’ve been recently with me,” you felt her pout on your back as your grip loosened on the box.

[jaeminscoffee]

Daddy Issues | S. Jn

Pairing | Seo Johnny x Fem!Reader

Genre | Smut, fluff

Wc;type | oneshot: 3.93k [not proof read]

Warning(s) | Pwp, dilf!johnny, y/n's a pillow princess, daddy kink, overstimulation, teasing, edging, dacryphilia, slight voyeurism, degradation kink, heavy use of the words 'doll, princess, slut, pretty, angel', typical lyra smut, i made haechan johnny's son (i was about to write changbin as johnny's son but decided against it) age gap, unprotected sex ( the Reader's on pills. Remember this is a fiction, don't play the wrong card irl) filth.

a/n- i found this request buried in my asks and was tempted to write it. Sure, the warning looks intimidating, but i know you wanna read it, y'all whores (ily) shoutout to @bakugou-is-my-bae @cvntzennie and @jenopollo for helping me decide what to post first! @suhpersonic

Minors try not to interact! <3

Age is just a number, so surely, there's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of, right? 

There's no reason for you to not fall for the friendly neighborhood bachelor, well not so bachelor bachelor, since he does go around asking people who knows of his marriage to pretend it never took place. 

Johnny's hot, super hot. Has the build of a supermodel. Has the face that one can only imagine belongs to a greek god, as you'd jokingly tell him how he seemed to be god's favorite and how you loathe Aphrodite for showing favoritism (which would always end up with you getting a very sultry, teasing look from the lad) 

Johnny has the type of personality that women can only wish the entirety of the male species would possess. He's an absolute sweetheart, life of the party, definitely the center of attention wherever he goes. And oh god, does he have an immaculate fashion sense. 

But Johnny's also the father of Donghyuck. Your best friend. 

More than being ashamed about the fact that you actually fell in love with a man who has a child of your age, it was the fact that you had to fall for Donghyuck's father of all people. 

Donghyuck is a sweetheart, definitely got his personality from his father but he's also got that glare that could creep the Lord's of the darkness from his father. He's got so much from his father that the resemblance is uncanny. 

You'd not want to get onto hyuck's bad side since you've gotten first hand experience at stopping him from almost committing homicide to someone who spoke shit about his friends, more specifically, you. 

But Hyuck's not in town. So a little fun with Mr. Suh wouldn't hurt anyone, correct? After all, you're still only a human with desires and the want to take risks. 

You'd always not so subtly drop hints at Johnny and he'd always give you that look that would have slick collecting itself between your thighs. A warning look. 

A look that said, "cross the line and you'll get it" 

But that's the thing, you want to get it and will do anything to get it.

"Y/n." 

You'd ask yourself less than a million times if you want to do this or not.

Sure, you weren't this hesitant when you decided to sext your best friend's father knowingly when he was in business mode to irk him up but that's one thing. 

And having to confront the same father who left a message smaller than a sentence that completely disregarded all the obscene text and images to show that he's not the slightest bothered or suprised by your behavior for that matter was another thing.

"Tomorrow at mine." 

It's almost as though he deals with hormonal teenagers one as such as yourself on a daily basis and that thought kind of backfired at you considering the whole 'Let's piss Johnny off so that he'd finally give me what i want' agenda. 

Ironic, huh? 

"Mr. Suh." you start hesitantly, unsure of what to call him, scared of what his reaction would be after your inappropriate shenanigans last night. 

Your stiff demeanor broke down a little with just a hint of shiver passing down your spine as you watch his features contort into a subtle but cocky smirk, "So now you're being all formal,"

"Well, what else would you like me to address you as?" you inquire, feigning oblivion to his tone and what he's implying at. "You tell me, doll. You seemed to have a lot of names to call me last night," he takes a step forward, prompting you to walk a step backwards, further into the corridors of his apartment and away from the actual location. 

"I do not know what you're talking about.. " you let your voice shrivel towards the end, eyes wandering around the complex, finding interest in every small detail as you avoid Johnny's teasing gaze. 

"You don't?" Johnny takes another step forward, latching his hands onto your forearms to prevent you from stepping further away, "You must have had a heavy sleep to forget all that you did last night," his voice drops dangerously low as he begins to walk backwards and back into the safety of his apartment, all the while keeping his gaze fixated on you.

"That won't do, would it? How about we take a walk down the memory lane? And see if that rings any bell?" He brushes your hair away from its static position on your shoulder, allowing him to appreciate all those fine details of your shoulders and neck that are exposed from your selection of clothing, an off shoulder. 

"How about we don't...?" You ask with skepticism, jolting slightly when you hear the door shut behind you and at the new intrusion of personal space by the lad.

"Why are you acting all shy now, Y/n? Weren't you the one so eager to get into her best friend's fathers pants? Just be the whore you are, darling. Your facade's fooling no one." okay you definitely didn't see that coming. 

Johnny's expressions morph into that of mischief as he watches your eyes grow wide and mouth fall ajar, "Am i not correct? Are you not a whore?" he asks with an eyebrow quirked up in a questioning manner.

You don't reply, almost as though the question was meant to linger in the open and that it was a rhetorical one. What you didn't expect, however, was for Johnny's hands to find pursuit around your neck, not necessarily applying pressure, but there as a warning. 

"Answer me." 

"I'm not.." you answer with a feeble voice, internally cringing at how squeaky you sound which only added to Johnny's amusement. 

"Really? Because I don't think good girls go around drooling at a divorced man, her friend's father for that matter and definitely do not send lewd images and voice out their fantasies to a guy twice their age, still want to pretend you're innocent? Or you admit it and we cut down the chase?"

"Yes, I am." you breathe out when his fingers tighten around your neck, a triumphant smile making its way onto his lips. Yet, Johnny felt the need to keep pushing,

"you're what?" 

"I am what you said I am," you speak, trying to avoid looking at the scrutinizing look on his face which seemed futile as he had his arms wrapped around your neck, keeping your head in place. 

"I want to hear you say it, doll. I need to hear you say it." At this point Johnny's intent was to get you into a flustered puddle in his hold and it sure as hell was going in that direction, seeing how you can't even hold his gaze for more than a few seconds in a shot. 

"I am.. I am a who-"

The sound of a phone ringing loud cut you off midway through your sentence, to which you were absolutely relieved. Johnny only seemed to grow annoyed the more he heard the phone ring. With a loud huff, he lets you go, not before giving you a stern look, "Go to my room." he instructed, making his way to the study. 

You let out a breath you've been holding in unknowingly the moment he steps away from you. You watch his figure retreat from you with awe, only now realizing how messy you felt between your legs and how your knees keep buckling. 

"Oh Hyuck!" you hear Johnny exclaim into the phone the minute you step forward to follow his command. 

Your best friend is on call with the guy you're about to fuck. 

Your blood runs cold as you shakily make your way into the apartment and towards the bedroom, shrugging off your sling bag, hanging it behind the door as you place your phone on the bedside table to wipe your hands dry from all the sweat that had accumulated at the palm of your hands. 

"Yeah, I'm fine, about to eat to my dinner actually" you hear the moment to make yourself comfortable at the edge of the bed, looking over to the door where Johnny stood with his arms across his chest, the other holding up the phone as he leans his weight onto one shoulder, leaning into the doorframe.

You take the time to really appreciate his appearance. He adorned nothing more than a simple grey sweat and tight black tee but he seemed ready to walk down a runway at any given moment now. His long hair, slightly disheveled looking almost intentionally messed up, compliments his features. And oh his features. 

The everlasting smirk stayed still on his lips, moving as he exchanged words with his son.

You only come back to your senses when Johnny snapped his free hand in front of you, gaining your attention. He points at his own shirt, then points at you, mouthing 'off' while he listens to Donghyuck speak about whatever he's speaking. 

"Really? Jeno said that? Tell him I'm more than willing to welcome him as my gym partner, the lad seems strong" Johnny makes a quick move to remove the gadget from his ear, before holding it in front of him after placing the call on speaker mode 

Your eyes widen the moment you hear the disturbance in the background and Donghyuck's voice resonate through the room. "no?? Why would you want to work out with him? He'll only make you feel old, you know?" 

"Says the one who still can't beat me at arm wrestling. If anything, i think Jeno would make the perfect gym buddy for me," Johnny raises an eyebrow at your defiance, cocking his head towards the side, staring down at you with a predatory look, "Hyuck, you know, Y/n-" you scramble to take your shirt off at the mention of your name on the call, "-stopped by earlier" he lets out a silent laugh of disbelief.

"Oh? Oh yeah! I'd told her I'd give her book back before I left but I forgot, did you perhaps give it back to her?" Donghyuck questions. 

"I figured you must've forgotten so, yeah i did." Johnny replies, pushing himself off of the doorframe, now walking towards you. 

"Man, I miss her! I might facetime her after I end the call with you," Johnny sets down the phone beside you on the bed, leaning down, placing both his hands on either side of your lap, finding comfort at the crook of your neck,

"I remember her mentioning something about her cousin coming over? Maybe wait for an hour or so before calling her" his lips graze against your neck each time he spoke, you let out a tiny whimper at the so longed feeling, only to earn yourself a small bite at the earlobe, immediately accompanied by a hand over your mouth, "you need to be quiet, doll. Or my son would find out how much of a slut his best friend is," he whispers in your ear. 

"Yeah? Did she mention which one?" 

"No, not really, she kinda just stormed out after getting what she wanted" Johnny creates a trail of kisses all the way from your neck to your shoulders, down the collarbone while one of his hand worked to unhook your bra, "Yeah, she's weird like that," you hear Donghyuck let out a chuckle as you whine into Johnny's palm, your figure slightly trembling from the fear of getting caught all the while being excited about the risky situation he's put the two of you in. 

"Anyways, I'll call you tomorrow? The boys are coming over now so I got to go! Night, dad!" Donghyuck speaks up again, "Night, Hyuck." 

You hear the beep indicating the call has ended. Johnny let's his hand drop from your mouth and makes its way towards your hair, brushing through the strands before pulling at it with a firm grip, "I had my son on call and here you are making all these sweet noises, you wanted to get busted, doll?" 

"It's not my fault! You-"

"ah-ah! Don't talk back, angel. You're already in deep trouble, don't want to add onto that now, do we?" He makes a swift move to have you lying on your back, your torso completely exposed to him while he remains clothed. 

"But Johnny-" you whine, jolting when you feel his hands caressing the soft flesh of your inner thighs, "How do you think Hyuck would feel about this?" his hands travel further north, cupping your heat from underneath your skirt. "fuck, you're drenched"

"Now tell me, pretty girl, what are you supposed to be calling me, now?" 

"Johnny-, tha-that was a joke! I don't have daddy kin-" you try clenching your thighs close from the sudden attention your core was receiving. Johnny wholeheartedly lets out a laugh at your attempt to hide your true feelings, making a quick act of disregarding your soaked panties somewhere behind him.

"Darling, the more you deny it, the longer we keep going at it-" his thumbs at your clit, applying pressure but making no move to quench your needs. You let out a sigh of bliss at the feeling, your back arching off of the sheets at the sensation.

In any other situation, you'd be embarrassed at how sensitive you'd gotten just from all the dirty talking and looks Johnny passed you. But that's the catch, he's Johnny, the only one who can get you this sensitive while doing the bare minimum. 

"Say it, Y/n." 

"No, Johnny! It's-it's embarrassing.." you plead with your eyes, grinding your hips against his fingers, earning a satisfied, dirty look from the lad. 

"Very well.. I'll just draw it out of you"

Without warning, Johnny with little to no resistance, slides two slender digits into your wetness, setting a pace fast enough to draw loud chains of cries from your mouth.

"You hear that, doll? You hear how fucking wet you are? Hm?" he growls animalistically, the thumb that remained on your clit now moving in circles with a motive to get you undone in seconds. 

"Johnn-..!" you whine out, feeling your orgasm growing so close that you could almost taste it, "Still going at that, angel?" he questions, not really expecting an answer as he soaks up the pleasured look on your face. "Johnny- I'm close.. -" you fail to notice the mischievous grin growing on his face as he speeds up the movement of his fingers. 

"Of course you are, doll" He feels you clench around his fingers, back coming off of the mattress as you ready yourself for your release, waiting until the last minute to draw his finger out.

"Why would you-? Johnn-I was so close!" you cry out as you sense your core clench around nothing, whining about the incomplete orgasm. "Why would I give you what you want when you wouldn't comply, baby? That's not how this works." He shrugs, licking his fingers clean of your essence, moving up from the bed to remove the shirt that seemed to be suffocating now.

"Johnny, please!" you whine louder, rubbing your thighs together to create some sort of friction, all unsatisfactory as it did not meet the same intensity as that of his fingers. 

"Please what, doll?" He smirks, knowing the ball is in his court and that you'd had to give in any moment now. Johnny leans down once again, drawing lazy circles at your clit, using his other hand to hold himself up above and close to you, his minty breath which had a hint of coffee fanning your face as you whimper, finally feeling your high building itself up again. "Spit it out, princess, you know you want to." he speaks in a soft voice.

"Please..please" you beg for nothing in particular, getting all worked up again, "The begging's lovely, doll. But you're starting to anger me here, will you say it? Or should I leave you hanging again?" 

You mutter prayers under your breath, hoping he wouldn't actually leave you hanging again, "Fine-" he moves again to remove his fingers from you to deprive you of pleasure all over again when you finally latch onto his wrist, keeping his hands in place blurting out, "Daddy! I'm so-sorry.. There, daddy, please make me come" you give in, the name, the feeling and look of pure victory on his face as he grins like a cheshire cat only intensifies the heat growing at a rapid pace at the pit of your stomach. 

"Final fucking ly, princess. Daddy will make you feel good" He reinserts his fingers in, drilling it with desperation to see you come undone as he draws rapid circles on your now sensitive clit with the other hand, watching you squirm under him.

"Joh-Daddy i'm coming..!" you cry out weakly as you feel your orgasm hit you with much force, easily driving you into over sensitivity. Johnny's patient in helping you ride out your orgasm, not stopping until you let out a throaty sob and plead him to stop to allow yourself some room to breathe. 

Johnny, however, makes no move to stop, only speeding up his fingers, his gaze fixed on where his fingers disappeared inside of you while his other hand held you down with a vise grip, "Give me one more, doll. I know you've got one more in you. " he pants, the feeling of his girth in confinement only throwing himself to sensory deprivation as he feels himself twitch inside his sweats painfully. 

You shake your head, tears now flowing elegantly down your cheek, your lips puckered into a slight pout, your eyebrows drawn together as you let yourself melt into the pleasure Johnny was providing you with. "Daddy.." 

You whine, feeling your second high reaching you ridiculously quick as you see Johnny's face contort in concentration, 

"I need to get you nice and wet for me, princess, you're doing so well. Give daddy another one" you coaxes you with his sultry tone, words and actions, inevitably having you come undone under him for the second time that night. 

You let out a choked moan, finally having enough as you curl upon yourself the minute Johnny removes his fingers from you, full fledged crying at the overbearing feeling of sensitivity. 

Johnny groans at the sight, leaning down to press a soft peck on your sweaty forehead before getting off of the bed to remove his pants alongside his boxer at a slow speed, granting you some time to recover.

"Condom?" he asks, readying himself to reach into the drawing when he notices you shake your head a no as a reply, "I'm on pills.." you mutter weakly. 

You hear him curse out at the thought of doing you raw, flexing his muscles before climbing on top of you again. He takes his time to gently turn you back onto your back, pressing his tender lips against your irritated one for the first time that night, his hand ever so slightly moving to play with your clit once again, making you jerk, "Daddy!" 

"Sorry, doll. Daddy just needs to make sure that princess is ready to take his cock" 

Your whining intensifies at his words, wiggling your hips to move closer to his own, "But I am ready! Look, daddy! I'm so wet and ready for you!" you whimper, earning a chuckle from the lad. 

Just like all the other times that night, he aligns his cock at your entrance without a warning, the tip ever so slightly pushing through your walls, "Alright, big girl. Show daddy how much of a slut you can be for him."

Suddenly, Johnny detaches himself from you, moving further away as he leans by the edge of the door, smirking at you whining at the loss of contact, "Patience, angel" 

He grabs hold of your hips, manhandling your body into all fours as he enters you completely with no trouble once he's got you where he wants you to be.  

Something about having to take Johnny from behind was so sexy that you could almost immediately feel your orgasm grow, "Fuck baby, keep clenching around me like that and i won't last long," he grunts, moving in you with a steady pace, 

"I never expected my son to befriend such filthy sluts like you, Y/n. Look at the mess you're making on my sheets" He grabs a fistful of your ass in a tight squeeze, the sudden shift in his demeanor only serving as a whiplash as you feel yourself growing closer and closer to the sweet orgasm. 

"Jesus, doll, you're so fucking tight i can barely move" Johnny growls, talking to keep himself from coming too fast. 

"Daddy.. I'm close. M-I'm so so close" you cry as your arms give out and you fall face first onto the mattress, the new stretch in your back only encouraging his cock to hit you deeper, finding the sweet cushion that serves as extra pleasure for you. 

"Me too, princess, me too.. '' You hear him let out a whine, his thrusts growing sloppier as he does you slower but deeper. 

He reaches around your body to find pursuit at your clit for the nth time that night, rubbing rapid, messy circles to go with his deep thrusts, "Daddy!" you reach your high with a high pitched cry of his name. 

Johnny comes not too long after you as he couldn't resist the constant tight clenching of your walls around his cock. He thrust slowly to ride out his high as you twitch helplessly, face scrunched up in too much pleasure. 

You feel your body being manoeuvred onto your side as he whispers sweet nothings which pass right through your ears as you feel him softened inside you, the feeling ridiculously soothing for your used up walls, 

"You did amazing, darling." he kisses your temple, not making any move to remove himself from within you, which you silently thanked him for. 

You both lay in silence as you turned your body towards him, earning a hiss and a playful smack from him as it added pressure onto his sensitive member. You wrap your arms around his torso, about to nuzzle into his chest and just drift away to dreamland when you hear the familiar ring of your phone from the table beside the bed. 

You feel Johnny's body shift to reach out to get your phone, looking at the caller ID before handing it to you with a smirk that you knew meant that he was up to no good. "Oh! It's hyuck" you exclaim in shock, quickly accepting the call and placing it near your ear, moving to get away from him. 

But Johnny seemed to have other ideas, as he latched an arm around your torso to keep you from moving, "Hey-" you begin, immediately feeling Johnny experimentally thrust into you again, making you whine, "Y/n! I miss you~-oh hey, are you okay?" you hear Donghyuck's voice from the other side, 

You look at Johnny with a pleading and warning gaze to which you earn yourself a toothy grin from the lad, 

"Of co-course! Just a little.. peachy,'' You turn around to place a hand on his chest to halt his movement, "You don't sound just peachy.. I've heard you like this before!" you hear Donghyuck make those noises he makes when he's thinking as Johnny keeps thrusting lazily the more you look at him, you see him open his mouth to speak, "Oh fuck! You're getting laid, aren't you???" 

"Tell Hyuck daddy says hi"

[isagisyoichi]

PINKY STAR (RUN) :｡･:*:･ﾟ’★,｡･:*:･ﾟ’☆

SYNOPSIS: isagi as your boyfriend

CHARACTERS INCLUDED: isagi yoichi my boyfriend of many several years

WARNINGS: swearing? i think idk i forget also yah pretend they all go to the same school and stuff. also horribly self indulgent if u couldn't already tell

A/N: if you remember my old one delete it from your memory it was literally so bad help anyways the re-up because my boyfriend deserves better. also i really like this one and i feel like it’s more in character for him :P lol i've had this in my drafts for like, ever <3 but also my last post for a while because i have ap exams and my sat soon :P

FOR: the anon that asked me where my original isagi bf hcs went :’)

after the initial awkwardness of being in a new relationship fades and you two become comfortable with each other, a relationship with isagi would be like dating your slightly awkward best friend who you make out with sometimes.

like, i don’t really see isagi being high maintenance, so i feel like a relationship with him would definitely be on the relaxed side, but still romantic, you know?

isagi’s inner monologue is so funny and he definitely lets his thoughts out to you. it makes you laugh to see your usually friendly-to-all boyfriend have his moments, too.

you guys are one of those couples that give each other a look when someone’s doing something weird in public #telepathicconnection <3

but, isagi’s really such a sweetie with you. i know user isagisyoichi may be slightly biased when they say this, but believe me when i say that isagi’s 100% boyfriend material.

walks you to class whenever he can. always either holding your hand as he listens attentively to you complaining about school.

writes down things he feels are important about you in a digital note entitled “y/n 💗,” so he can remember them in the future.

isagi's used to talking to all kinds of people, so even if you're not the most talkative, he can adjust with no problem.

and he’ll always entertain you about whatever stupid conversation you wanna have.

kinda basic with pet names. babe, baby, dork (he would, i don’t wanna hear it), are his usual rotation.

randomly compliments you/says these really romantic things out of nowhere because he can’t control himself and often blurts things out.

“yeah, of course, when we get married, i’ll-”

“when we get married?” you inquire as you cut isagi off. you two have never discussed marriage, just but the thought of isagi wanting to spend the rest of his life with you is enough to make your head spin.

isagi’s eyes go wide when he realizes what he’s said. damn his mouth that moves faster than his mind.

swallowing hard and taking a breath, isagi says, “y-yeah, when we get married,” further affirming his statement with a nod, albeit a bit of a nervous one.

now both of you guys are flustered LOL.

likes to sit his head in your lap and have you play with his hair, while you two talk or just sit in silence.

such a good listener, perfect person to rant about anything with. he’s very understanding, he’ll hold you if you need him to, wipe your tears if you’re crying, give you advice if you need it, just overall so sweet.

also always knows when you're sad because of his intuition. isagi encourages you to open up to him, but ultimately doesn’t force you, just lets you know that he’s always there for you <3

(that's kind of lie because isagi does pry a little LOL, but he means well)

takes care of you! nags you a little, tries his best to make sure you're not doing anything stupid, and if you are, that someone responsible (him) is watching you, looks after you when you’re sick, etc.

gives you his jacket when you’re cold (he’s been waiting to do that his whole life bro LMAOO), carries your things, always texts you good morning and good night, just overall sooo good to you.

but as soft as he is for you, isagi does have this tendency to get these random spouts of confidence, so sometimes he’ll say or do something really bold out of nowhere.

like, he’ll suddenly grab your waist and pull you closer to him, or he’ll kiss you out of the blue. the flustered expression that rests on your face for a change always makes him smirk *heart eyes*

in general, though, isagi's still kind of awkward sometimes regardless and does say or do things that make you go "???" and make him be like "why did i do that" LOL he's so cute though <333

he’s pretty basic with dates, usually opts for things like restaurants, walks in the parks, movie nights, or stuff like that, but they’re still really fun!

but, if you ever want to do something out of the norm, he wouldn't be opposed to it, either. but, you do have to tell him ‘cause he's not a mind reader lol.

(okay but, one time, isagi tried to watch a scary movie with you because he wanted to do that thing where he wraps his arm around you during the scary parts, but HE ended up being scared instead 😭)

isagi’s the type to put your name with a heart emoji or the date you guys started dating in his instagram bio LOL

y/n 💓 IHS Forward #10 ⚽️ *insert some soccer quote about grinding*

it’s a bit middle school, but you let it slide because you know he just wants to show you off <3

study sessions are normal between you two but, you guys always get bored or distracted halfway through and start watching youtube or something LOL.

it’s canon he’s a thigh man lol, so if he ever sees you wearing an oversized shirt, especially one of his, with shorts, isagi will literally short circuit in real life.

he keeps his hand on your thigh when you guys cuddle that day, tracing patterns on your skin, or just squeezing it every now and then.

in general, though, isagi likes poking at and playing with them whenever they're out <3

once, isagi wanted you to do that trend on tiktok where he sits between your thighs and stuff, but he had no idea how to bring it up LOL

so, isagi just watched tiktoks of it in front of you and hoped eventually you would get the hint 🙄

and you did, thanks to his incredible lack of subtly. he doesn’t even care when you giggle and tell him how bad he is at being slick, isagi got your thighs around him, he won!!!!!!

takes a picture (or two or three) to savor the moment.

(even though he could literally just ask you to do it again in the future, but whatever, i guess)

when you’re dating isagi, the team comes with him too LOL

they’re always snapchatting you pictures of isagi when they’re hanging out without you, with stupid captions like, “look how sad your boyfriend is without you 😞”

isagi’s not even sad in the picture, he’s just confused as to why they’re shoving a camera in his face 😭

isagi one hundred percent attempts to get you to run the mile with him during gym if you don’t already.

“babe, just try!” isagi pants, as he catches up to you and your friends, as you guys are still on your second lap.

admittedly, the effort is cute, but beloved, i hate to break it to you- i will not be doing anything of the sort.

he will sit down or walk around with you after you finish the mile, though. if he’s not already playing soccer lollll.

when he does choose to go with you, expect exclamations from the team about how isagi “abandoned us for his little relationship” 👎

isagi’s receiving love language is words of affirmation (also basically canon LOL) so, he really values the compliments you give him with his whole heart.

you could tell him how his hair looks nice in the morning, and isagi will think about it all day.

whether it be about how cute he is, or how talented of a player he is, isagi really is happiest when you praise him <3

speaking of soccer, isagi has this tendency to get lost in the moment and talk your head off about some soccer related tangent that probably makes no sense to you.

his eyes light up and his voice is just oozing with passion for what he does as he goes into detail about how he made this crazy goal at practice while you stare at him with the biggest heart eyes ever, adoring his dedication.

and of course when isagi realizes he was rambling, he apologizes profusely for “boring” you, like the gentleman he is.

but when you reassure him that he could never bore you and that you want nothing more than for him to go on, isagi begins to feels lightheaded due to his adoration for you <3

if you're the type to go all out when it supporting isagi at soccer- like make one of those corny signs, yell from the crowd, wear his spare jersey to games, isagi will physically have to withhold his heart from jumping out his chest.

he's a little embarrassed that you're doing all that for him, but the effort means soooo much to him.

and speaking of soccer, it would mean a lot to isagi if you not only supported him at games and stuff, but expressed an interest in learning more about soccer as a whole, too.

you know, learn a little more about the game on your own accord, ask him to teach you how to properly play, or even challenge him to a one on one, do stuff like that, and he’ll literally be head over heels for you. well, more than he already is.

(he always goes easy on you on your guys 1v1's and he thinks your efforts are adorable, no matter how much you may or may not suck)

he'd repay the effort and try to get interested in whatever your hobbies are!

also, you can get him to do almost anything if you pout and beg hard enough, you’re literally so hard to say no to in isagi’s eyes <3

isagi’s the type to not realize when other people are flirting with him LOL

he just thinks they’re being nice (unless they’re being straight up) and i don’t think he would really process it because he’s so focused on you romantically, if that makes sense.

once he realizes you’re jealous, isagi apologizes earnestly, reassuring you over and over again that you're everything he could ask for and that he would never intentionally try to hurt you and all that jazz.

although, i will admit, sometimes isagi’s kinda smug when you're jealous, especially when it’s over a dumb reason 👎

however, when he’s jealous i feel like it could go one of two ways-

on normal days, isagi would just stand there to “intimidate” the other person, maybe cough a little for emphasis until they go away lol.

but on days where he’s already mad/filled with adrenaline/or someone’s really not taking a hint and you’re visibly uncomfortable- oh boy, it’s like a switch flips in him.

has those same fiery eyes he has during the climax of a game. the energy he’s exuding is dead serious, and that alone is enough for the person bothering you to go away. not bad for a man that’s only 5’8 🥰

adding on, isagi doesn’t take any shit about you, ever. even if it’s from his friends. usually isagi’s very neutral and doesn’t actively try to start conflict, but there are some things he’ll always defend and you’re one of them.

isagi always listens/watches/reads/etc whatever you recommend him (on that note, please recommend him good anime because isagi’s out here willingly telling people his favorite anime is darling in the franxx), even if he doesn’t necessarily like it LOL

you could show isagi objectively, the worst song ever and he would be like “yeah, it was good babe!” (it was not)

also does the same thing when you bring him shopping with you, like he's absolutely NO HELP 😭

you could try on the ugliest sweater known to man and he’d like “you look nice 🙂” pls be honest isagi, you can say it’s hideous!!!!!!

but isagi’s also being somewhat truthful in his statement because he does genuinely think you look nice in everything <3

also loves when you wear his clothes- always feels a mixture between pride and slight shyness?

kinda lol idk but overall, isagi really is sooo happy you wanna show him off that much, especially when you're wearing something of his around his friends :')

he says “i love you” first, no doubt.

he’s a bit nervous when he does because he doesn’t know if you’ll reciprocate, but he really does love you and he feels like he physically can’t hold it in anymore.

“i promise you don’t have to say it back!” isagi reassures anxiously. “i know it’s a really big commitment, and if it’s too early for you right now-”

“i love you, too.”