#and would require a lot of disregarding canonical paths

[three-plums]

i'm not much of a sci-fi person just because i've never really found those types of questions interesting in a fictional context... if that makes sense. as far as narratives go i'm more interested in the old grrm-ism "the human heart in conflict with itself." but. the extent to which dbh pissed me off has made me start reading and watching sci-fi like a lunatic.

[darklordazalin]

Azalin Reviews: Darklord Meredoth

Domain: Nocturnal Sea Domain Formation: 635 BC Power Level:💀💀💀💀⚫ Sources: Domains of Dread (2e), Ship of Horrors (2e), Nocturnal Sea Gazetteer (non-canon), Sir not appearing in 5e

Meredoth is the Darklord of Nebligotode, which became the Nocturnal Sea during the Grand Conjunction in 750 BC. There were a lot of retcons and changes between his rule of Nebligotode and the Nocturnal Sea, so I will be utilizing the story after the Grand Conjunction as well as some “non-canon” material provided by the Fraternity of Shadows. There is no mention of Meredoth in 5e, but the Nocturnal Sea is briefly referenced in the write up on Darkon. Does that make me your ruler, Meredoth? That would be amusing and perhaps a reason for me to return to my dreaded prison.

Meredoth is confined to the island of Todstein, an island that is as cold and uninviting as Meredoth himself. He constantly attempts to defy the “no man is an island” saying. How exactly did he come to this realm? Let’s take a brief look at his life. Meredoth was born in the Alphatain Empire in Mystara and raised by golems. This isn’t your classic “raised by wolves because their parents died and something took pity on the child” story. This was because his parents didn’t want to bother raising him themselves. I’ve witnessed many of his little temper tantrums, so I can understand where they’re coming from. Still, one should not neglect one’s children. It never ends well.

His father’s parenting skills ended at creating a few golems to look after him and his mother preferred using Enchantments to keep him well-behaved and disciplined. In addition to his rather love-deprived upbringing, he witnessed his mother become addicted to a magical drug known as tsongha which had a relaxing, yet withering effect on the user’s mind.

The Alphatain Empire was a Magocracy, which essentially equates to those with talent in the arcane are granted high ranks in society. Though something I can respect, a dangerous prospect when one considers the effects magical experimentation can have on the mind. Meredoth met those requirements and discovered his extraordinary skills in Necromancy while studying at university. He even found himself making friends and perhaps he would have been more sympathetic to the living if one of his so called friends hadn’t just used Meredoth to steal his research and claim it for themselves. This resulted in Meredoth using tsongha on the betrayer and claiming their research in turn. A practice he repeated on many occasions.

Meredoth continued his research, conducting experiments on living animals and people he believed would not be missed. His ultimate goal was to create an intelligent servant devoid of troublesome emotions and personal ambitions. Of course, Enchantment would have been a better form of magic to achieve such things, but Meredoth’s skill in that school is wholly inadequate. Ultimately, he failed.

As his own flesh began to age, Meredoth sought out means to become immortal. He believed lichdom beneath him. I would argue that he likely does not have the talent to perform the necessary rituals seeing as some of it requires the use of Enchantment magic, which, as we know, he sorely lacks skill in, but he remains adamant that true immortality is not a state of undeath. The path to “ascension” was also dismissed as taking up too much of his time. A rather lame excuse considering if one becomes immortal through such efforts, then the time to reach one’s goal is irrelevant. In the end, he cheated and used elixirs created by someone else to maintain an age of about 60.

Meredoth became a rather formidable wizard and as such would be given a high rank within the Alphatain Empire. However, he was also not well liked and his disregard for all things living made him a very dangerous figure to be given any political power. So, they made him a Baron of a land where they hoped he could do little damage. This suited Meredoth and he established himself on a remote island and let whatever retainers he had actually run things. To say he was a neglectful ruler would be an understatement.

The first winter in his Barony was cruel and resulted in the death of many of his retainers. Meredoth thought the best solution was to raise all of these retainers as mindless undead, something his main retainer objected to. Meredoth then killed that retainer, which gave him one more zombie but also left him to deal with the day-to-day problems from his people.

Meredoth wanted nothing more than to be left alone with his research instead of tiring things such as the defense of his realm or food shortages, yet still he found himself bothered by an increasing number of retainers and immigrants. Annoyed, he came up with a solution to the food shortage and these interruptions to his research. He poisoned all of his people and made them into zombies that retained their intelligence, yet were solely loyal to their creator. Now, food wasn’t an issue and they would leave him alone.

That same evening, a storm descended upon his island and transported it and Meredoth to the Demplanes of Dread. It is always winter on Meredoth’s little island. Though living, Meredoth has the purplish complexion and icy touch of a corpse. The Dark Powers granted him a small boon and delayed his aging. Yet not a true form of immortality, age slowly creeps into his bones year after year. Just as his parents, even the Dark Powers were reluctant to accept him and it took a century of his time in the Mists before they decided to make him an official Darklord.

Meredoth still excels at Necromancy and prefers life among his zombies over the living. He has also created a number of unique spells to suit his new, wintery Domain, including snow golems and a snow to stone spell. He looks like your standard Halloween costume shop wizard, wearing tattered robes accompanied by long white hair and beard. Our tormentors granted him a number of boons, allowing him to control the waters around his island, sensing when someone visits his island, and granting him immunity to the lesser undead.

Meredoth is an accomplished Necromancer, likely one of the most powerful in the Domains of Dread. He’s also skilled in Evocation and if he had applied himself to other schools of magic, he could have been one of the most powerful Wizards to roam the Mists, but he settled on his one trick skeletal pony routine. He views the living as nothing more than experiments, not worth his time or attention unless they’re on a slab in his laboratory.

Personality wise, Meredoth is like a small child always craving attention, yet loathing it whenever he receives it (which is rare). Still, I must admit he is quite powerful and though he will never find a path to the immortality he seeks, his skills in Necromancy and to a lesser extent, Evocation, cannot be denied.

[lairofdragonagelore]

DA2: Marethari Talas

Marethari comes from the Talas family, which was founded by an Emerald Knight after the fall of the Dales. In the first Act, we meet her, letting us know several interesting things about her clan and their relationship with Flemeth / Asha'bellanar.

She knew the amulet was going to be delivered, and [according to Merril's words] she brought the clan here just because of Hawke and this amulet.

She has a debt to Asha'bellanar. In the game it is never clear what Flemeth exactly did for her.

The amulet is more than magic, it's a promise. And promises [from Asha'bellanar / Mythal] have terrible power. I like to remember this because Mythal has a revenge aspect: if she promised revenge, we know we are going to see it.

The amulet requires a rite for the departed [Merril will state it's a sort of funeral rite]. This is really interesting because Merril, when she performs it, speaks of Uthenera. Does Uthenera require a piece of the elf contained, for safety reasons, while the whole body lies lifeless elsewhere? This is the true immortality that elves had? Spreading pieces to return later? [This scene links the concept of immortality with what archdemons do, with what Corypheus does, with Flemeth’s words of “a soul cannot be forced upon the unwilling”, and with how Grey Warden can destroy this process rejecting possession. Details in Corypheus post, eventually.]

Keepers are guardians of the lost knowledge of the Dalish, yet, another thing that caught my attention after the end of the quest of Feynriel is that Marethari has no problem to give you a highly precious book of her clan to you, a shemlen. The book belonged to the last dreamer of her Clan, and it's implied it has knowledge related to dreamers [what Feynriel is and what has not been seen in quite a century so far]. Why does she get rid of this invaluable book with rare magic, so important for her people?

I thought that maybe, the canon path for Marethari is to exterminate her clan, so this attitude here would make a bit more of sense: she is giving the last treasure of her clan to you because she knows they are going to die anyway. Still, why would you give it to a shemlen instead of Merril? This is one of the many details that keeps me wondering how much of this was truly intended or it was just a mistake as a consequence of the rush in the development of this game.

I also find curious that she calls the demons as such, instead of spirits, as Merril does.

In the second Act, when Merril speaks to Marethari, the Keeper explains that she has informed the clan that Merril's potential restoration of the mirror can bring back the corruption [or something worse] from the mirror.

Once more we see Marethari disregarding ancient Dalish artefacts and, instead of keeping the Arulin'holm, she prefers to give it to Hawke. I'm so surprised of this attitude: first, Marethari gives a book about dreamers to Hawke, now she offers Hawke the Arulin'holm, trusting them that they will return it to her later [and I'm not mentioning the fact that how this may be breaking rules and causing inner frictions in the clan: something so dear to the Dalish, that belongs to all of them, is borrowed to a shemlen.]

Later we can ask for clarification about the line that Marethari said to Merril on how these mirrors belonged to another time and should be left there. We learn that, once more, Marethari is proposing to abandon ancient Dalish artefacts. It's true this mirror is dangerous to her, since it “killed” Tamlen and is corrupted, but apparently Marethari has a lot of carelessness for Dalish relics.

Here is where Marethari communicates that she released the demon, allowing him to possess her.  

Marethari informs that an Eluvian can be linked to the Fade, something that we saw in DAI happening: Kieran can go to the Fade via the mirror, implying that any mirror connects to the Fade if you are powerful enough to activate it. So, along DA2 we have seen that Marethari knows  a lot more how Dalish artefacts truly work than Merril. She knows more than your regular Dalish, is this related to her debt to Flemeth? I wonder.

Marethari explains that she could not fight this demon in the Fade, because it was trapped [in the strange idol], and could not banish it without making it stronger. So she made herself its prison. There is only one case in DA2 where we see a similar power, and it's related to Orsino's staff description: First Enchanter Casimira, the first enchanter in Kirkwall who helped to transform the Tevinter prison called Gallows into a Circle “tower”. She was taken by a demon and contained it inside her until the Templars killed her before she could endanger anyone. However, that tale shows a lot of struggle that we don't see with Marethari. Marethari has been possessed for a long time. Days, weeks, maybe even months?

It's hard to know when Marethari did it. But we could hypothesise that when Merril started to interact with the demon, she took this prevention measure. Now, does Marethari have this power?  To contain a demon alone in her own body and for so long? If she did it, it would make sense why she became so confident in giving Hawke items so dearly for the Dalish and why she seemed to act as if her clan would not matter anymore [because she was going to doom it sooner or later?].

This also make me wonder if the debt she had with Flemeth is related to this: to have the power to become the demon's prison without losing control for a decent amount of time. But this depends a lot on when she became its prison. We can assume that only when they moved to Sundermount Merril got in contact with the demon bonded to the Strange Idol, and only then Marethari turned into its prison later. The debt she has with Flemeth seems to be older than this.

Effectively, when you read the World of Thedas 2, we have a glimpse of what this debt is about: To avenge her late husband at the hands of an avvar group that killed him. Considering what Flemeth did with Maric too when she met him, and considering how Marethari was grim after meeting the witch, I think we can asume that Flemeth also gave her glimpses of the future about the clan, the demon, and the possession of Merril, so we could suppose that Marethari acted all along DA2 knowing this thanks to Asha'bellanar.

[Index page of Dragon Age Lore ]

[chalabrun]

tsunade & the medical ninjutsu system (theory)

Something I feel is never really properly established in Naruto canon is just exactly how Tsunade improved medical ninjutsu, its institutions, and to what extent. There’s a lot of mystery surrounding medical ninjutsu, let alone how the system itself came into place.

Basically, here are my thoughts as to just what Tsunade did as the world’s greatest med-nin.

The Medical System wasn’t yet established

Ch. 160

One thing that was made apparent during or before the Second Shinobi World War was the fact that, by all accounts, there was no medical system in place. While the common story is that Tsunade may have only established the new pecking order of including a medical ninja in each 4-man cell, as this proves, it likely went beyond that.

So, considering how broad medical ninjutsu really is, where would Tsunade have gotten it, and how would it have been passed on?

Medical Ninjutsu: A Senju legacy

From Naruto: Shippūden #467, the anime

As shown here, in episode 467, Kanna and Asura are two of the first named users of the Mystical Palms Technique--one of the most versatile and commonplace medical ninjutsu for med-nin to learn. In a way, it’s a bit of a Swiss army knife in what it can heal for a talented enough med-nin.

Kanna and Asura are, naturally, the ancestors of the Senju clan. Kanna being Asura’s wife and a healer like him. While Asura isn’t specifically known for being a healer, Kanna is, and this establishes a trend of medical ninjutsu among the Senju clan.

But, like their descendant, neither are classed as med-nin. Which leads to the next point.

Ch. 576

Despite how many disregard it, Hashirama--Asura’s next notable transmigrant--is also known for being gifted with medical ninjutsu despite not being classed as a med-nin. His contemporary, Madara, states that Hashirama was better than even Tsunade.

Ch. 576, during the Gokage battle against Madara.

Tsunade herself concedes to this fact.

Ch. 576

As I’ve stated in another meta, Hashirama’s regeneration and medical ninjutsu are considered two separate things. 

Ch. 578

As shown here, even Madara sees them as two distinctly different things.

Regeneration Ability entry (Source)

In fact, the Regeneration Ability that stems from Hashirama’s cells is never classed as medical ninjutsu. Especially compared to Creation Rebirth and Ninja Art: Creation Rebirth--Strength of a Hundred Technique that are. 

Creation Rebirth

(Souzou Saisei)

Ninjutsu, S-rank, Supplementary

User: Tsunade

The absolute pinnacle of medical ninjutsu~~ a forbidden regeneration technique!

Created by the greatest of medical ninja, Tsunade, this is the ultimate regeneration technique!! By releasing a large amount of chakra at once, the body’s cell division is forcibly stimulated, reconstruction all organs and all tissues making up the human body!

If this technique is used, a body whose vital organs are so gravely injured that it cannot bear it any longer will be instantly restored to its uninjured state. It’s impossible to die by any means… for the sake of continuing to protect the lives of one’s comrades. That’s the resolution hidden in this technique.

By releasing the great volume of chakra stored in her forehead, Tsunade can make her body do the work of an untold number of years in an instant.

This wound may have brought her on the verge of death, but she won’t die~~

The acceleration of cell division that allows for the complete recovery from wounds is paid for with the shortening of one’s life span.

- Second Databook, Creation Rebirth entry (Source) (Raw scan)

Ninja Art: Creation Rebirth--Strength of a Hundred Technique entry, 4th Databook (Source)

However, something I need to assert is the fact that Tsunade’s medical ninjutsu being less than Hashirama’s by no means diminishes her achievements. A point I’m trying to make here is the fact that medical ninjutsu is a legacy passed down through the generations that explains where Tsunade attained hers, and how she took that knowledge to share with the world by organizing and devising the medical ninjutsu system that no amount of prowess can supplant. 

In this respect, Tsunade absolutely surpassed Hashirama’s ability. Creating Creation Rebirth and the 100 Healings absolutely asserts this alone. She’s the greatest medical ninja in the world, that much is for certain.

Ch. 678, affirming that Hashirama wanted to leave the future to future generations, which would absolutely mean the legacy here.

Moving on...

Medical Fuuinjutsu: A possible origin & Uzumaki legacy

As shown here, one of the most mysterious applications of fuuinjutsu we see is in medical ninjutsu. Now, while it’s not known if it’s specifically fuuinjutsu or not (as the medical ninjutsu below isn’t described as it), it’s beyond coincidence that fuuinjutsu and its branches also use fuuinjutsu formula arrays, like below. 

While I’m not here to explore that too far, what I’m more interested in where it could’ve come from and how it applies to Tsunade, the one who established and revolutionized medical ninjutsu. 

Healing Resuscitation Regeneration Technique

(Chikatsu Saisei no Jutsu)

- Ninjutsu, A-rank, Supplementary, Close-range - Users: Medical Team

Using a special intensive care unit, this act is laid out. For this medical treatment, teamwork between similar jutsu users is most vital. Through the collection of cells from the hair, it is used as a medium. The lost part is filled up with new cells. Minute attention to detail is necessary. This treatment’s success rate is not high…

In this formation, a burning restoring of life, a wondrous medical ninjutsu!!

With part of the casualty’s body as a medium, that part’s cell ratio is changed, and the lost part is regenerated. Due to the extreme difficulty and chakra control required for matching up the cell ratio, this requires a long period of time.

Healing Resuscitation Regeneration Technique, Second Databook entry (Source) & (Raw Scan)

Ch. 235, where Chouji in shown in intensive care after the Sasuke Recovery Mission’s failure. 

Like the above, here we see another complex array of seals that are undeniably similar to fuuinjutsu.

Ch. 238, where Sakura is shown learning medical ninjutsu with what appears to be a fuuinjutsu. 

And, shown here, fuuinjutsu seems to have a part to play in learning medical ninjutsu, too. How the fuuin actually functions is anyone’s guess, but it’s likely that Tsunade developed it. How? Where might she have learned fuuinjutsu from?

4th Databook, Mito’s Entry (Source)

As we are well aware, Tsunade is the granddaughter of Hashirama Senju and Mito Uzumaki, the kyuubi jinchuuriki before Naruto or Kushina and well-known for her sealing prowess--enough that she sealed the kyuubi in herself by her own ability--it goes without saying that Mito’s own knowledge of fuuinjutsu likely passed on to her, too.

Something passed on between them is the Byakugou, a seal that originated from the Sage of Six Paths era.

Ch. 36 of Boruto where Sakura explains the Byakugou’s origins.

While it’s not known whether or not the marking on Mito’s forehead is also a Byakugou, what absolutely is is the fact that, since Tsunade’s Creation Rebirth and 100 Healings were both inspired by Hashirama, it’s likely that Tsunade’s own knowledge of fuuinjutsu and the Byakugou’s attainment came from her grandmother, Mito, and their Uzumaki heritage/Hiden. 

And since medical ninjutsu is an apparent Senju legacy, it’s extremely likely that Tsunade came to incorporate both in her medical ninjutsu and help pioneer its use that would be standard in medical ninja practice by modern times.

Now, can I prove this? No, I cannot; however, given the fact that Tsunade is reliably proven to have pioneered the medical ninja institution, it’s likely it would’ve come from her, as well.

Biomedical Advances: The Niidaime's contributions

Ch. 681

Ch. 619, where Tobirama relays the biological function behind Sharingan.

For better or ill, when it comes to medical ninjutsu's biomedical background, what scientific knowledge that Tsunade learned seems to stem from what she might have inherited from her granduncle, Tobirama Senju, who was an acclaimed innovator and scientist.

Ch. 699, where Sakura mentions Tsunade crafting whole artificial limbs from Hashirama's cells.

Ch. 545, after Sakura and Shizune--Tsunade's disciples--performed an autopsy on a White Zetsu clone.

As it would seem to have passed on, from Tobirama did Tsunade attain a biomedical background when it came to medical ninjutsu that would spread to her disciples generations later.

Medical Ninjutsu: Foiling poisons

Ch. 253, wherein Tsunade’s rival, Chiyo, recalls how Tsunade was the only person capable of foiling her poisons.

As we know, one of the greatest threats to shinobi is that of poisons. And, there is the fact that Tsunade established ways of producing and foiling them that passed on to her students.

Ch. 253, where Sakura Haruno--Tsunade’s disciple--utilized the Delicate Illness Extraction Technique to remove the poison from Kakuro’s body, and synthesize an antidote. Both were things Chiyo couldn’t do.

Ch. 235, where the Nara Clan Medical Encyclopedia is being consulted by Tsunade to help her heal Chouji.

Hell, even the encyclopedia utilized here likely had a hand in Tsunade becoming such a poisons expert in the first place. Even if not, it undoubtedly had influence and a place in the medical ninja system Tsunade pioneered. 

Biomedical Advances: The Niidaime's contributions

Ch. 681

Ch. 619, where Tobirama relays the biological function behind Sharingan.

For better or ill, when it comes to medical ninjutsu's biomedical background, what scientific knowledge that Tsunade learned seems to stem from what she might have inherited from her granduncle, Tobirama Senju, who was an acclaimed innovator and scientist.

Ch. 699, where Sakura mentions Tsunade crafting whole artificial limbs from Hashirama's cells.

Ch. 545, after Sakura and Shizune--Tsunade's disciples--performed an autopsy on a White Zetsu clone.

As it would seem to have passed on, from Tobirama did Tsunade attain a biomedical background when it came to medical ninjutsu that would spread to her disciples generations later.

Medical Ninjutsu: A system to put in place

One thing that can’t overlooked is how Tsunade absolutely set rules and regulations in place that would go on to influence their rules by the modern day.

Ch. 577, where Tsunade lists the 4 rules governing medical ninja.

Ch. 632 where it’s again brought up when Tsunade trained Sakura in a flashback.

Ch. 160 where the standard to place a medical ninja in every unit of ninja is first introduced by her.

And because Tsunade was the one who established it, it’s likely it spread to other countries, as well, once it was established in Konoha. While it’s not shown, her disciple, Sakura, is shown to have inspired the medical institutions of other hidden villages through her own pioneered effort in the Konoha Children’s Mental Clinic that’s established after the war.

Pg. 24 of Sakura Hiden where the success of the Konoha Children’s Mental Clinic created waves, enough that Sunagakure began taking interest in establishing their own therapy center. (Source)

Again, while this doesn’t necessarily detail Tsunade’s own exploits with spreading medical ninjutsu and practices around the world, because the motif of the next generation improving from the former, it’s likely what happened before or even after she left Konoha.

Closing Thoughts

Again, while I can’t definitively prove as to how and what Tsunade pioneered with medical ninjutsu at home and abroad, given the hints and clues in canon, I have reason to believe that it’s much, much more extensive than what she might be given credit for. 

Regardless, always draw your own conclusions and interpret canon as you see fit, but if this inspires your own portrayal of her, I’ll consider it an honor!

[hallothere]

I broke down and wrote the essay. No, I did not and will not proofread it. I don’t waaaannaaaa

There’s Only One Winner For Isengard

In a perfect world, in a world with no meta requirements that could bend to the will of the player, we would roll up to Isengard level-capped, no debuffs, with one quest-marker on hand: Ruin Saruman’s day. But this is a pre-written sequence of events in which we are only along for the ride. We, the player, and a Ranger are shipped off to Isengard with only one conceivable goal: survive. On a meta level we know what Saruman is capable of. At level 70 or 80-something at best, even we are aware that we are no match for a wizard with a canon fate. Not to mention our Ranger companion! The Grey Company has been through enough (though we don’t know the half of it yet) and we are reasonably distraught at the possibilities.

This is why we, the player character, will lose the game of Isengard.

Beyond the meta rules of the game, where quest objectives are whatever the devs wanted them to be (looking at you, Mordrambor) the player character can not defeat Saruman in any way that’s meaningful. And (again on a meta level) in order for us to get to experience the action at Helm’s Deep and Rohan at large, we have to get out of Isengard. We’d get bored of waiting for Theoden and Co. We’d hurl insults or slap fish at Saruman and realistically incur wrath. Honestly, with the set of circumstances presented to us, who could survive imprisonment in Nan Curunir?

Only one of the Company ever could: Lothrandir of Suri Kyla. 

To begin with, none of the Rangers we have any real information on could have done it. Anyone who’s spent time in Angmar is at a disadvantage due to the prevailing dread (game mechanic or otherwise) that can be manipulated by Saruman. Any Ranger that has a major traumatic past is at a disadvantage (sorry Mincham) because if nothing else, Saruman has proven to be a master of illusion. Even Halbarad for all his leadership ability has a pretty exploitable weakness: eventually Saruman can crack the code with a vision of Aragorn’s demise, the one end Halbarad must fear above all others. Or what bond could more easily be exploited than that of a leader and his men? Lheu Brenin’s in the gang now after all. All Saruman would have to do was send for a few more incentives. 

But Lothrandir comes built with a few key advantages that make him the only Grey Company Ranger qualified to come out of this battle of wills on top. His specific strengths, mindset, and personality traits combined with the circumstances that the game sets up going into Isengard make him the clear choice of Rangers- if a Ranger you must have- to stay behind in Nan Curunir. 

Lothrandir wins because he changes the game. From ‘go’ our co-prisoner does something that either puzzles the player character or sends them into an anxious fit. Lothrandir declares himself fearless and sprints recklessly into the ring. Any way you figure it, this seems like a poorly calculated move. He doesn’t stop to survey the enemy. He doesn’t gather intel. Heck, he doesn’t even bide his time to see if he’ll be killed before he even reaches the dungeons. Lothrandir sprints right in without so much as a thought or a plan. Saruman doesn’t know it yet, but from that moment on Lothrandir has him on the back foot. 

Consider for a moment Saruman’s MO. He’s a wizard, and he uses a great deal of magic, sure, but time and time again we are reminded of the power of his voice and his words. He calls down a storm on Caradhras (in the movies for darn sure), he via-Wormtongue whispers poison into the ears of King Theoden. He doesn’t lead with any kind of grandiose display when trying to sway Gandalf. No, he leads with a persuasive argument. Later on, he nearly talks Theoden back around, after failing to wipe out all of Rohan. After killing the man’s son for goodness sakes. He nearly talks himself out of that one!

But Lothrandir has already changed this from a game of wits to a game of wills. There will be no vying for favor, or biding time, or compliance, or even giving Saruman a chance to ‘talk it over friendly’ first. He’s already spitting on the shoes of everyone he sees. The accomplishment in this is twofold, and it makes a major impact on the rest of his time in Nan Curunir. 

Firstly, by establishing a new game, Lothrandir sets Saruman up for a whole lot of assumptions. He does not display any signs of diplomatic ability, wisdom, or even common sense. He very intentionally projects an attitude of reckless disobedience. In the player’s own eyes, it seems as if he ‘doesn’t know any better’. This gives Saruman a clear path to take regarding Lothrandir. He assumes you can’t reason the typical way with someone who has shown zero inclination for listening. The player character demonstrates that the Grey Company (or least their associates) are capable of compliance. For all intents and purposes, this Lothrandir doesn’t appear to be. He’s contrary, fool-hardy, and evidently dumb enough to dive in headfirst and get himself killed. You beat that kind of guy into submission… don’t you?

But Lothrandir has changed the rules of the game. Saruman is no longer fighting with his best weapon, but with a tool to be found in any old villain’s arsenal. When he took the approach of reasoning with the player character and disregarding Lothrandir, he set the victor’s foundation on our snow-pilgrim’s greatest strength. 

Secondly, by establishing a new game, Lothrandir makes this a battle of physical endurance. Unbeknownst to Saruman, this is the one thing that makes him stand out from the rest of the Grey Company. He has walked through the frozen north lands and the fiery south lands and come out unscathed. He has mastered the unarmed combat style of the Lossoth by joining in mid-winter wrestling matches in a place that took down many Elves, Angmarim, and notably one King of Arthedain! Lothrandir has conceivably spent his entire life training for this matchup. Any endurance he has built up, any fighting he can do without access to a weapon, all are assets to the kind of game he just made Saruman play. Lothrandir is uniquely built to survive any physical torment Isengard can throw at him, or at least, better equipped than any of the others. 

To say Lothrandir is the best choice, we also have to rule out the others. Corunir was thwarted by the Rammas Deluon and for all he learned from that, it’s a weak spot in his proverbial armor. Golodir too, resisted a fair degree of torture (palantiri based, even!) in Carn Dum, but it won’t be hard for Saruman to suss that one out and make our old man’s life a living nightmare. Even Radanir, serious and seemingly unattached to any social bonds now that his good pal Elweleth has gone sailing, would be a poor choice. He is too serious, (for lack of a better term) too genre-savvy, and even if he is spitting blood and delivering a witty one-liner, that’s Saruman’s foot in the door! ‘I’ll never betray my friends and kin, you kaleidoscope hack’? You’ve just told him your weakness, Radanir! No, he can’t keep his mouth shut to save his (or Saerdan’s) life. Radanir is the wrong choice too.

We don’t know a significant amount about the others (except Ranger death would move Calenglad to tears, we can’t put him through this) in order to pinpoint their fatal flaws in the Isengard encounter. But, the game puts us in the incredible position of having seen Lothrandir’s Achilles’ heel and letting us take that disadvantage away. 

Lothrandir of Suri Kyla is uniquely equipped to survive any physical encounter that Saruman throws his way. Now, who’s to say the wizard won’t change his tune and go back to his old tricks? In an incredible twist of fate, we are. The game sets us, the player, up to play Saruman’s game from the get-go. We keep our pixelated head down, try and fly below the radar, and express just enough concern over the fate of our fool-hardy pal to get Saruman to cement his estimation of Lothrandir as a pawn in the game in stone. By making ourselves the better target for the words of a wily wizard, Saruman decides that the best way to deal with the spare prisoner is by playing right into his hands. As we all know, the player character escapes. While that might seem bad for someone who Saruman has earmarked for corporal punishment only, it covers Lothrandir’s one weakness. 

Aside from being the only significant unarmed fighter, Lothrandir is also never painted as a loner. He spends his time in Suri Kyla, hanging out with the Lossoth and sharing their campfires. In the new questline in Forochel, he jumps at the chance to make a new Dunedain friend and takes to King Arvedui like a duck to water. They’re instant best pals. It’s minutes before Lothrandir is telling him Aragorn’s life story and pledging to go with him on a buddy adventure to seek peace for a regretful shade. And if that’s not enough canon for you, Lothrandir bears the brunt of the Falcon clan aggression on the way to Isengard. He does it for you, his friend and companion in suffering. It’s a bit meta, but we have to assume in the internal universe he knows you a little. You’ve run your merry adventures to a degree where, were this not a video game, Lothrandir would at least consider you an ally if not a friend outright. 

He exposes his weakness unwittingly to the Falcon clan, but he leaves it at the gates of Isengard in an extremely well-timed move. By sprinting through the gates without a care as to what’s going on with you or anyone else, Lothrandir establishes an emotional distance between you both in the eyes of any onlookers. Whatever affection you have for him, it doesn’t seem reciprocated. This isn’t a major weakness for Saruman to exploit, then. You’re not one of his kinsmen. If he did want to pursue that line, he could always send to Tur Morva for one, right?

This is where the game comes back in to shift the tide in Lothrandir’s favor. We escape. We play the game, we nearly lose the game, and had we not been given an out the power scaling makes it difficult to conceive of an outcome where we the player can win Isengard. Sure, we’ve been released from prisons before (Delossad to name one) but this is the climax of Dunland. We make a daring escape, and move south towards the Gap of Rohan and all sorts of bad times. 

Back in Nan Curunir, Lothrandir is getting the daylights beat out of him, and taking a victory lap. He’s cemented his position as ‘the prisoner we’ll break with violence’. The uruks have seen him insubordinate and disorderly. In the Lothrandir interlude, there’s not only the canon (stated outright!) reality of past and present torture. There’s also zero hesitation in Lothrandir taking that one on the chin. There are no other objectives on his mind than making the next few minutes as miserable as possible for everyone around. He has no other goals. And he doesn’t need them. Nobody is surprised that Lothrandir is signing his death warrant within nanoseconds of being presented an offer to comply. He spits on the offer. He tips over the slop bucket. He beats bloody any orc (and gameplay purposes aside there are very few that dare come forward) that actually tries to kill him for it outright. 

He’s built up a non-rapport with Gun Ain. She talks about killing him and he doesn’t say anything. They’re all playing his game and he’s winning. In the conversation with Saruman, we’re not given the opportunity to watch Lothrandir ‘resist’ in the same fashion the player character did. We don’t need to. Saruman has bigger and better things to worry about- killing a prince, wiping out a nation- than one Ranger who he’s just going to order well-flayed again. By setting himself up as the punching bag, Lothrandir has managed to fly beneath Saruman’s priority threshold. He’s been relegated to the responsibility of Gun Ain, and still with somewhat protected status because they haven’t wormed anything useful out of him yet.

All of these moves have culminated to an impasse. Saruman is not winning points in the game like he expected. One ‘meathead Ranger’ has managed to resist all the torments of Isengard, and he’s gained nothing from this. The other prisoner escaped, word had doubtless reached him that the Tur Morva Thirty-Odd are free and raring to be a thorn in his side again. He has no external leverage to apply on Lothrandir and it’s become increasingly obvious that our Ranger friend is not engaging like the player did. But still, Saruman has his pride. It’s his downfall in the end, and it’s his downfall in his fight against the one Ranger who’s already beating him. Lothrandir can’t be killed outright because Saruman hasn’t won yet. And with that guarantee of protection, Lothrandir can coast all the way to the conquest of Isengard. 

He can keep playing the game and stalling for time. It’s morbid, but what better way to waste someone’s time and energy than convincing them slow, drawn-out torture is the way to go? A little extreme, Lothrandir, but it’s still his game to lose. He wastes Saruman’s time. If he is eventually rescued, total victory. If he’s killed in the end, he definitely didn’t give the wizard the satisfaction, so a less resounding victory but one in the win column nonetheless. 

With a little help from our usually Ranger-cidal devs, Lothrandir reprograms Saruman’s game of chess to a boxing match. He takes out all his disadvantages, gets Isengard to attack from a point of... if not weakness then at least neutral ability, and then devotes his every waking breath to violent disobedience.

Sure, you could have taken any of the Grey Company with you to Isengard. Lheu Brenin could have swapped out for Braigar or Amlan or Mithrendan or Culang- but only one of these guys has the brute strength, commitment, and sheer audacity to pull it off. 

You take Lothrandir to Orthanc. There’s a different prisoner of Nan Curunir when he leaves.

[forsakenoathkeeper]

I Am Alive (chapter 5/?)

Deviant!Connor[RK800] x (fem!)Reader Rated M(18+) for canon-typical violence and gore, medical procedures, and graphic sexual content

Synopsis: You were a mechanical engineer, now a nurse for androids, who moved back to Detroit after the revolution to offer aid. After reconciling with an old friend, you became rather acquainted with his android partner.

Please support me on AO3 & thanks for reading ♥

Connor wasn't oblivious to what he was doing.

'Rogue' was one word that came to mind; but, that was a bit extreme all things considered. He wasn't acting against the police and he didn't intend to commit any crimes, especially heinous ones.

He was hunting the android alone, without clearance, without jurisdiction.

-not like this was the first time.

He had intel that the human detectives didn't have. A good lot of them didn't respect him, some more obvious than others, and often disregarded his input on things. Of course, they were never hesitant to let him take the lead when dealing with dangerous individuals or gunfire.

Most of the time, it didn’t bother him.

Fowler saw him as a competent detective and needed the manpower, now more than ever. Hank trusted him with his life and stood up for him. That was all the recognition that Connor needed.

Having to work alone wasn’t all that terrible. He was faster, stronger, more capable of discretion... usually. He didn't have to worry about putting someone in danger or being slowed down. It also meant that he could-

-bend the rules in ways that only androids were capable of.

The other detectives were hung up on the possibility that Evelin Wheeler was murdered by someone she had crossed in her days as a lawyer. Connor had found seven cases that ended with death threats. Three of those cases, the plaintiffs or victims, were still alive and living in or near Detroit.

While other detectives were investigating those potential leads, Connor took to the streets to see if he could locate Robert. Maybe it was his programming talking; but, Connor was suspicious of the android.

Clouds were heavy and dark in the sky, the smell of approaching rain thick in the air. Connor was waiting outside of Haven in a nearby alleyway, perched up against a crate where he could duck back into hiding or lean out and see into the street.

He was standing near an abandoned warehouse that seemed to have suffered structural damage at one point, rubble having collapsed into the plot nearby. The towering structure was an eyesore and provided good cover for the detective. It was also across the street from Haven.

Connor fumbled with his coat pocket, fishing out a coin. He rolled it between his fingers as he waited.

You had been texting him, a very welcomed distraction from the monotony. Though, if Connor was being honest, waiting never bothered him. He couldn’t quite tell if it was because his android, a part of his programming, or just the way he was.

"u know u dont have to" was your latest message, popping up in the top right corner of his HUD. You had trouble getting your car started this morning and had taken a taxi to work. When Connor found out, he asked if he could give you a ride home.

"If I'm being honest, it is not just for your sake. I want to see you" he texted back.

It had been a little over week since he last saw you. Work had been hectic for you both, between countless damaged androids and Connor knee deep in multiple cases, one in particular that was rubbing him the wrong way. Even if he only got to sit in a car with you for thirty minutes, that would be good enough.

"i miss u too" your reply came in. Connor smiled at that and briefly pondered how to reply.

When people were 'an item', what did they do? Attending a restaurant together seemed to be the most common answer that came up in his searches; however, considering Connor did not require sustenance, and lacked the components to dispose of them, he couldn't eat.

Surprisingly, ‘drinking’ came up a lot, too. There was no way he was taking you to a sleazy bar. There were always clubs. Did you like that sort of thing? He didn’t want to make assumptions about your lifestyle. There was the added concern that Connor didn’t know if he could dance. He had never tried it before.

'Walks in the park' also came up in his searches; while Connor was not easily perturbed by the weather, you likely would find it far too cold outside. The local movie theatres were closed down temporarily due to the uprising, leaving that option out, as well.

He could invite you over to his apartment; but, what if you took that as an unwanted suggestion? He missed you in that manner, maybe more than he cared to admit; but, he didn't want to give the impression that it was all he cared about.

Connor's LED was blaring yellow as he internally argued with himself. He aggressively shifted his coin from one hand to the other and flung it high into the air with a flick of his thumb.

Humans did this - 'heads or tails' - so he tried it.

When it fell back down, he snatched it from the air, opened his palm and glanced down. The coin had landed on tails. Connor glared at the harmless nickel disk for not giving him the results he wanted.

Okay. Maybe he was thinking too hard.

-maybe he just needed to go for it.

"I want to treat you to something. If you would like that?" Connor messaged you.

Likely caught up in something, you didn’t reply immediately. So, Connor began rotating his coin again, rolling it between his fingers, flicking it back and forth between his palms. He had no idea where this quirk came from: if it was programmed into him or some bizarre string of code that manifested itself. He could do it without much processing power, making it rather relaxing.

"if you wanna? u dont have to do anything like that" your message popped up on his HUD some time later.

"Is it weird that I want to?" Connor messaged you back.

"not at all" you replied. He read it in your soft voice and found himself feeling bashful. He felt weird, like he wanted to do things for you - unnecessary things that you were perfectly capable of doing yourself.

"theres a park i loved as a kid. we can go when it warms up?" you offered.

"I would like that" Connor replied.

A thought came to him, something that he chided himself for: he had hoped for something he could do for you, now, not later.

But, then-

"until then i like ur apartment" immediately came in afterward.

Connor gawked at the message like an idiot for a moment or two before he snapped out of it. Maybe you had read his mind... somehow.

He had no need for a TV because he could get all the news on the interface in his processing unit. He didn't have a need for many dishes for obvious reasons and only bothered to keep the fridge plugged in in case Hank brought something over. His apartment was severely under furnished by human standards.

Suddenly, he wanted to change that.

"You are welcome anytime" he replied. "I'll make sure its warmer this time"

Your reply came fairly quickly; but, Connor didn't see it.

Movement caught his eye.

An android was approaching Haven, not that that was anything new. However, he dressed in a dirty hoodie and torn up pants, ankle-high work boots matching what Connor had seen in Evelin Wheeler's home, the correct height and stature for the model type seen in Louis’ memories.

Connor slid the coin back into his coat pocket and focused his optical sensors on the android. He couldn't get a good enough look from this angle to see into the propped up hood.

The detective waited outside while the other android crossed the threshold into Haven.

Markus wanted to do things the right way. Connor respected that.

It meant that he would inform Robert the police were looking for him and try to encourage him to speak with them. If he was innocent, that meant he had nothing to hide. But Connor knew that Robert would likely attempt to flee, even if he was innocent.

The android was inside the building for eleven minutes and some odd seconds before he stormed out the front and trotted down the street. Connor didn't waste any time taking up pursuit. The android had some haste to his steps, but wasn't running. Still, Connor knew he would lose him if he dawdled for a second.

Rain began to fall, beginning in gentle sprinkles that coated the concrete and asphalt in faint specs. Connor could feel the rain like gentle taps against his outer skin. It was useful: the noise made it harder to properly hear the sounds of their footsteps. That potentially risked the chance that Connor would lose Robert; but, it also meant he was less likely to be detected.

He needed an empty, quiet place where he could interrogate him. But, Connor also was well aware of the fact that he didn't have backup. If the android proved to be more dangerous than he anticipated, he would be alone and at great risk.

-again, this was nothing new.

Connor recognized the route Robert was taking. He was heading for the industrial district's harbor.

It wasn't abandoned. Factory work had resumed, albeit with struggles considering the android workforce had been lost. However, people were trying to return to normal life. They needed to; and so, the ports reopened and shipments starting to flow again.

The detective continued to stalk behind the android for miles, paying no mind to the fact that he was steadily growing farther and farther away from where he had parked his car, nor the fact that he was getting soaked by the rain.

When they arrived at the harbor, Robert took a path through a rundown building that was likely once a communication hub for a business that went under decades ago. It was longer than a direct route, but provided cover, less any of the human workers at the nearby plants spotted him.

In following, Connor realized that abandoned shipping containers were piled up outside. The rust and erosion patterns suggested they had been here a long time.

At the end of the row of containers, another building, a steel hub right at the edge of the water. Normally, these were open, designed to be for receiving and sending shipments, unloading. However, someone had taken the time to board it up.

Robert entered through a hastily cut out hole acting as a doorway.

Connor knew this was the end of the line. He was going to have to face Robert here.

He took one, careful step past the threshold, and realized there was an echo. That alone made it near impossible to continue sneakily. When Connor stepped forward, he felt something scan him. It was harmless, a perimeter censor: the kind of motion detector that could pick up android's serial numbers with a quick scan, and send alerts to the programmed android. It was, essentially, an intruder alert.

The detective turned his head to the adjacent wall. Sure enough, there it was, the size of a quarter, at head level, eyeing him.

He was intrigued that Robert had taken the time to setup defenses here. It wasn't particularly deterring, just a simple alarm that would prevent him from being snuck up on. Connor could hear Robert's shoes loudly squeak on the floor. He was pacing, probably deciding his next move.

Connor continued, turning down the hall and stepping into the main hull.

When Robert spotted him, he took a few steps back, maintaining distance between them. Connor took up a firm stance, feet shoulder length apart, arms crossed in front of him, hands cupped, like a soldier might stand.

"Why are you following me?" Robert called out, sounding more annoyed than anything else. The echo in the room was loud, creating an obnoxious tremor around them.

"I wanted to talk to you - ask you a few things," Connor replied calmly.

Robert was silent for a moment, eyeing Connor suspiciously. "You're the detective android," he said lowly.  "I heard stories...” Robert looked him up and down. “You're not as intimidating as I expected."

If that was intended to insult Connor, all it managed to do was make him curious. What kind of images had Robert conjured in his mind of the android detective?

"Why haven't you removed your indicator?" Robert asked in a manner that was almost taunting. "You think we're equal to humans, don't you? Why wear something that sets us apart?"

"It doesn't matter to me if people know I am an android," Connor answered, maintaining his passive tone. It wasn't entirely the truth. Sometimes, he wanted people to know he was an android. He was once frightened by the idea of deviancy; now, it felt like a badge of honor. Maybe, he was prideful: he was the first detective android to join the force, and the last and only of his model.

"You work for the humans - against us," Robert accused. “What makes you think you have any right to stand with us?”

"I don't work against androids. I work against murderers," Connor proclaimed. He could see panic flash behind Robert's eyes. But, the android was quick to compose himself. "-human or android," Connor added on.

Robert opened his mouth; but, Connor, growing tired of this pointless banter, decided to be direct.

"I'm here because I believe you killed Evelin Wheeler."

"Who?" Robert asked, his head tilting to the side. From his lack of concern, Connor couldn't quite identify if he was being sincere, or just didn't care.

"An elderly woman who was being cared for by an android," Connor elaborated robotically.

Robert shrugged. "What makes you think I did that?"

"I saw you harassing the android living with her," Connor answered, tone lowering.

Robert settled a firm glare on Connor. "Harassing? I wanted to help him be free."

Connor kept his stoic expression, eyes unyielding of his emotions, LED strong blue. "I'm glad you remember them," he replied lowly.

The detective could see some stress rise in Robert. He wasn't frightened by Connor. He was growing steadily more and more angered by him.

"Then, surely you-"

"He was delusional," Robert interrupted sharply, clearly insulted. "Called her 'family'. I had to help him. He was being controlled by that human. I set him free."

"He was free,” Connor corrected him. “You hate humans. That's what it is. It has nothing to do with justice.” He maintained his persona: a cold, calculating detective.

The other android didn't seem to like that word. "You still elevate them above us, you hypocrite!" Robert snarled. "Don't talk to me about justice."

"Human or android, you killed an innocent woman in cold blood," the detective said lowly, letting his stare darken slightly.

"Where's your proof?" Robert challenged.

"Your shoes match the impressions at the crime scene," Connor stated bluntly. "You also were seen harassing the family-" Robert twitched at the word. "-a week before the murder. That's enough circumstantial evidence to obtain a warrant for your memories for that night."

"Where's your w-warrant, huh?" Robert challenged, his voice faltering slightly. "Why am I not under arrest, yet? You have nothing!" Robert shouted, his voice echoing around the chamber.

Connor narrowed his eyes slightly. "742-11-904, you are under arrest for trespassing on private property-"

Robert suddenly shifted and charged at Connor. Being a unit designed for industry work, he was bigger than Connor, bulkier with a wider frame and greater weight capacity; but, Connor was agile, flexible, and designed for combat. He avoided his assault with ease, but wasn't able to counter. His back hit the wall and Robert continued down the hallway past him.

Connor took up pursuit, finding that Robert took a different path out. He chased him into the harbor, out in the open, where security lights shined down on them. Workers from a nearby plant were perched on a balcony on the second floor. Connor could hear their surprised murmurs, "what the hell - you see that shit?"

Chain link covered the edge of the dock to act as a barrier to prevent falls. Connor contemplated pulling his gun on Robert; however, trespassing wasn't an offense worthy of firing, and he had yet to obtain the warrant he needed for the murder case. Pulling his gun would have been a one-way ticket to suspension, or likely worse.

Robert wasn't made for this. Connor was going to catch up to him. The android likely knew this. He had to take a path that Connor wouldn’t follow. He climbed the chain link, reaching the top before Connor got to him, and dived over the edge, straight into the harbor. The splash was drowned out by the rain tapping on the metal roofs nearby.

Connor looked over the edge to where the dark waters lapped at the concrete platform. Naturally, he couldn’t see anything through the murky water. He sighed, placing one hand on the chain link to lean against it.

"Well, so much for that," he groaned to himself.

It was unlikely that Robert could stay submerged for long, even less likely that he would surface here. He wasn’t going to return to this hiding place, nor Haven. Connor would have to find him through other means.

The rain started to pick up, sprinkling morphing to heavy droplets. Connor's eyes adjusted to lighting, or lack of, naturally. He was too focused on finding Robert that he failed to realize the sun had set. The time was normally hidden on his HUD as it was intrusive, distracting. He didn't need sleep. He didn't need rest. He could theoretically go days without a break.

When he brought the time temporarily back into view briefly, he realized it was 7:17. Your shift ended at 7 tonight, and he had promised he would be there.

"Shit!" he cursed out loud, swiveling away from the fence.

As he trotted away, shoes making wet sopping noises on the concrete, Connor started a message, "I'm sorry. I'm going to be a little late".

Before he sent it, he realized that he had missed your previous message.

"hold u to eet" you had replied. It was in response to his promise that the apartment would be warmer next time. But, it also struck him as a painful reminder that you had placed trust in his ability to get you home safely, and in a timely manner.

The rain continued to pick up until it was pouring down, like tiny rocks pummeling his body. It didn't hurt, but it was exhausting. He had fucked up, twice. He failed to capture Robert and now he was delaying you.

Instead of sending that message, he decided to call.

It rang once, then twice-

"Oh - shit - are you here already?" you blurted into the phone as soon as you answered.

"N-no, I-" he stammered. "I'm going to be late. I'm sorry."

"Actually - that's fine. I got so caught up in this thirium shipment, I didn't realize what time it was," you explained, sounding out of breath. "I was afraid I was keeping you."

"I wouldn't have minded waiting," Connor replied, feeling some relief at your words.

"No - don't say that," you scolded gently. "Don't take bullshit from anyone, Connor."

"Ugh-" he stammered. Did he take bullshit from people? Maybe he did and he just didn't care most of the time. Was waiting for you bullshit, anyway? He didn’t need to sleep, afterall.

"Working late, too, huh?" you breathed into the phone.

"Field work," Connor replied lowly.

You chuckled into the phone. "You know I can take a taxi if you're-"

"No, I-" he interrupted sharply. "I want to see you. Please."

"Connor," you breathed into the phone.

His phone wasn't a handheld device. It was an interface build into his processor. He could hear you directly in his head. Even through the slight distortion created by radio signals, the sound of your voice still managed to do something to him. Maybe he underestimated how badly he missed you.

In the background, Connor could hear one of your coworkers, "ooooo - who's Connor?" teasing at you in a purposely obnoxious voice.

You laughed quietly. "My boyfriend," you answered.

My boyfriend-

For some reason, something as mundane as you telling people that, made him really happy.

There was some shuffling noises, likely you moving around and trying to balance something in one hand and your phone in the other.

"Is he cute?" a different voice asked this time.

Connor was prepared to eavesdrop on this conversation in full; but, after some loud shuffling, you came back, speaking into the phone properly. "I'm gonna let you go, now - get this finished up - oh shit it's raining - let me know when you're in the parking lot?"

"Understood," he replied automatically, a habit. Plus, if he was being honest, he was disappointed.

"-and don't stress about it, Connor-" you added on hastily.

Fuck that-

-as soon as you hung up, Connor was running to his parked car.

[mythandlaur]

Oh-- and also Klug, why not?

Send a character’s name to receive four different headcanons

Klug - Puyo Puyo

realistic: Klug doesn’t require the Record of Sealing to cast spells, but it enhances and acts as a focus for his magic, and its inhabitant’s taught him some of their magic as well; Vis Attrahendi/Gravity Strike is one of their own spells (as it’s the exact same animation as Strange Klug’s Hydrangea). Klug’s come to rely on the book as just a bit of a confidence crutch, and its inhabitant has reluctantly allowed him to use it as a grimoire where he’s copied down some of his more pertinent and complex spells (the pages of the book itself are blank, and Aya can ‘write’ in it themself and manipulate its contents. They do occasionally hide or mix up Klug’s notes to get a rise out of him).

while it may not be realistic it is hilarious: As Aya can choose who can hear them at any given time, they tend to act as Klug’s personal peanut gallery, much to Klug’s consternation--while trapped in the book, they tend to act like more of a harmless trickster and general little shit than they actually are. On days when they feel particularly chatty, Klug can often be caught getting into petty arguments with absolutely nothing--and sometimes, Aya will specifically engineer this so that someone catches him and Klug has to fumble to explain himself without revealing that the book is alive.

heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends: Well, I would say something about how he doesn’t actually know where he’s going with his life or know who he is besides ‘the best’, but according to a recent translation of his vocal theme, that’s apparently canon. Let it be known I called him being on the fast track to gifted kid burnout five months ago.

So instead...the incident with him being possessed by the Record of Sealing has affected him far more than he’s willing to tell. The experience left Klug with claustrophobia (he will have outright panic attacks in small, dark spaces, or if he’s somewhere he feels he’s trapped and can’t escape). He’s also still mad at Sig and Raffina for leaving him behind (the former moreso than the latter--Raffina was to be expected, pretty much). As much as he tries to tell himself it doesn’t matter, he’s used it as justification to push himself further away from his classmates, because they clearly don’t care about him and he doesn’t have to care about them either. Even Amitie leaves him behind on her crazy adventures--not that he wants to be a part of those or anything!

If 7 is to be believed, this all only adds to the doomed path he’s heading down leading up to the day he graduates...

unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own: Klug is autistic. He has a lot of trouble understanding how to properly “solve” social situations, which he tries to make up for with his own brashness and mainly talking about himself because he can’t possibly get that wrong; he has poor control of his volume and is unsure of what to do with his hands if he isn’t holding the Record of Sealing, which he uses as something of a stim; he has trouble understanding and empathizing with the emotions of others, or realizing when he’s said something hurtful, though he’ll pretend that that’s exactly what he meant to do; both astronomy and astrology are his special interests.

Also, he’s secretly jealous of Sig’s apparent ability to just not worry about things, because Klug worries about absolutely everything, so much, all the time.

[joannalannister]

Anonymous asked:

Hey there, Lauren! I love your blog and metas! I have a question for you, in terms of the book, could you tell me when and where Daenerys shows signs of being a tyrant or a fascist? I see lots of metas say that she is, but from what I've read, I don't see any signs of that? Sure, she kills her enemies, but what powerful monarch doesn't? I just feel like the fandom has a very biased and double standard hatred when it comes to her, and I would like your opinion! Thank you!

Before I answer your question, we need some sort of working definition of fascism. To achieve this, I would like to quote a disabled person who helped lead the fight against fascism for years, and who died in the line of duty:

Over a year and a half ago I said this [...]: "The militarists in Berlin, and Rome and Tokyo started this war, but the massed angered forces of common humanity will finish it."

Today that prophecy is in the process of being fulfilled. The massed, angered forces of common humanity are on the march. They are going forward [...] 

We will have no truck with Fascism in any way, in any shape or manner. We will permit no vestige of Fascism to remain. [...]

In every country conquered by the Nazis and the Fascists, or the Japanese militarists, the people have been reduced to the status of slaves or chattels.

It is our determination to restore these conquered peoples to the dignity of human beings, masters of their own fate, entitled to freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom from want, and freedom from fear.

We have started to make good on that promise. I am sorry if I step on the toes of those Americans who, playing party politics at home, call that kind of foreign policy “crazy altruism” and “starry-eyed dreaming.”

--President Franklin D. Roosevelt, July 28th, 1943 Fireside Chat

What did the fascist Nazi Party stand for in WWII?

Historically, there was no Nazi Party apart from their racial and social agenda. It was a party founded on racial distinctions, with a vision to dramatically transform their society. The Nazis disliked and persecuted anyone who they did not consider Aryan. They persecuted and killed Jewish people, homosexuals, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and communists, and they wanted to eliminate people with mental or physical ailments. The Nazis pushed women out of the workplace and actively promoted patriarchy. [x]

But where does GRRM come into this?

I wasn’t a complete pacifist; I couldn’t claim to be that. I was what they called an objector to a particular war. I would have been glad to fight in World War II. But Vietnam was the only war on the menu. [x]

GRRM’s ethical views are at their clearest and most concise while discussing slavery and dehumanization in his (most excellent and highly recommended) vampire novel, Fevre Dream:

I never held much with slavery […]. You can’t just go… usin’ another kind of people, like they wasn’t people at all. Know what I mean? Got to end, sooner or later. Better if it ends peaceful, but it’s got to end even if it has to be with fire and blood, you see? Maybe that’s what them abolitionists been sayin’ all along. You try to be reasonable, that’s only right, but if it don’t work, you got to be ready. Some things is just wrong. They got to be ended.

Some things are worth fighting for. Fascism requires opposition, some form of opposition, or it will steamroller all over you. 

My regret now is not that I stayed my arm, but that I remained aloof in my window while others protested peacefully outside. It would be naïve to think that those marching in neo-Nazi parades could have a change of heart from such efforts, but I am more concerned with those who are not marching for anything. We must convince the apathetic to care, and stop those who are walking down the path of hatred before it becomes too late.

--David Olin, The View from My Window, Berkeley 2018, written for the Elie Wiesel Foundation for Humanity 

Now, let me apply this to ASOIAF piece by piece. 

In every country conquered [...] the people have been reduced to the status of slaves or chattels.

This is Tywin. This is Tywin enslaving people as part of his militaristic campaign of aggressive force in the Riverlands. This is Tywin sanctioning the capture and torture of innocent people. This is Tywin “using” other kinds of people and disregarding the fact that they are human beings. This is Tywin enslaving Arya Stark. This is Tywin impressing people to work in his gold mines on a whim, as we learn in AGOT. This is Tywin reducing people to the status of slaves or chattels. This is Tywin. 

I don’t know how many different ways I can say it, but as I’ve said before and will say again: Tywin is the character in the ASOIAF books who most prominently espouses fascist ideology. 

There are other characters in the main series -- Roose Bolton and Randyll Tarly, for example -- who also exhibit characteristics of fascist ideology, but I would argue that it is Tywin who is the fascist poster boy of ASOIAF ... and it is also Tywin who is one of the main villains who is drawing humanity’s attention south away from the true threat of the Others, who wish to turn every living thing into their slaves and playthings. (Littlefinger also comes to mind.) Tywin is an unwitting general in the Others’ army. Tywin is fighting the Others’ Campaign of Dehumanization on their behalf. 

The Nazis disliked and persecuted anyone who they did not consider Aryan. 

Substitute “Aryan” for “Lannister” and this is Tywin. “a Lannister, and worth more.” It is Tywin who pushes an agenda of Lannister superiority and it is Tywin to whom non-Lannisters aren’t human, to the point that he had to marry his own cousin. He dislikes non-Lannisters so much he had to marry his own cousin!!!! It’s Tywin who passed down his obsession with blood purity to his children to the point that they literally have to fuck each other. It’s Tywin who puts his House (a proxy for his race) above the individuals in it; it’s Tywin who doesn’t care if Cersei and Jaime and Tyrion are ground to dust under his disgusting ideology as long as House Lannister reigns supreme. 

"Spice soldiers and cheese lords," his lord father called them, with contempt. 

This is Tywin. 

Non-Lannisters aren’t fully human to Tywin. This is fascist ideology!!!!

It was a party founded on racial distinctions

This is Tywin and Kevan, refusing to allow the Westerlings to marry into their family because of “doubtful blood”!!!!! (”Ser Kevan seldom had a thought that Lord Tywin had not had first.”) 

It was a party founded on racial distinctions

This is Tywin and his refusal to allow a betrothal between Jaime and Elia. 

they wanted to eliminate people with mental or physical ailments. 

This is Tywin and his hatred toward disabled Tyrion. This is Tywin and his refusal to allow a betrothal between Jaime and disabled Elia. 

The Nazis pushed women out of the workplace and actively promoted patriarchy.

This is Tywin. This is Randyll hating on Brienne of Tarth. (And you can bet your ass Tywin doesn’t approve of women with swords.) 

I don’t know how many ways I can say it: Tywin and others like him are the fascists. 

Tywin is one of the cold fucks the AGOT prologue warns us about in the very beginning: “the real enemy is the cold.” 

The central conflict of ASOIAF is between the living (the fire) and the dead (the cold), those who would recognize your humanity and those who won’t. 

It is our determination to restore these conquered peoples to the dignity of human beings, masters of their own fate

^^ This is Daenerys Targaryen ^^

Daenerys Targaryen is a freedom fighter who kills slavers in the books. 

Her breakup of the economic system of Essos (meaning SLAVERY) is more akin to a communist revolution than a fascist takeover imo. Daenerys associates herself with people of all races, all classes. She gives Missandei, who canonically has dark skin in the books, a place as one of her closest advisors. Unlike Tywin, Daenerys is not pushing an agenda of Targaryen superiority. 

Daenerys is not perfect. She does not always get it right. Daenerys has got some things wrong. But I don’t think there has been any other option for Daenerys. You ... you can’t just look the other way when evil men are crucifying children, and I truly do not think that non-violent opposition would change anything in Essos. “Better if it ends peaceful, but it’s got to end even if it has to be with fire and blood, you see?” 

Sometimes innocents like Hazzea have died on Daenerys’s journey. 

And I fully believe that more people are going to die in TWOW, and that Daenerys will hold herself responsible, whether she is or not. I know that TWOW will give all the antis of every character a lot of ammunition. TWOW is going to be a dark and depressing book. 

I think that Daenerys is going to reach a very low point in TWOW, just as Tyrion is nose-diving in ADWD, but I think that’s just what GRRM does with his greatest heroes. It’s the moment in a movie when the hero falls off the cliff, and the Evil Villain starts cackling maniacally and you think all is lost, and then you see the hero’s hand reach up over the edge and the music crescendos as the hero pulls himself up. Except the real villains that GRRMs heroes are battling are themselves. The cliff is a metaphor for our darkest impulses. 

Characters tell Dany in AGOT that “she is nothing” but Dany’s story is about proving them wrong. It’s about her finding her own dignity and worth as a human being out on the Dothraki Sea, and becoming the master of her own fate. As her story progresses, she helps others to do the same, helping people to rediscover their dignity, to regain their names (or take new ones), to find the humanity that was stolen from them. 

(This is why it’s so important to me that her story intersect with zombie!Jon, so that she can help a dead man remember what it is to be human and remember why it all matters. Because if none of it matters ... if a man can’t find a fuck to give, well, that’s Tywin Lannister, who was a cold dead man long before Tyrion shot him.) 

I brought up FDR in the beginning of this post. Although FDR died before GRRM was born, he was one of the great American cultural figures of the 20th century and I have no doubt FDR’s legacy was a formative influence on GRRM. And that’s the thing - so many of these, these great American cultural figures of GRRM’s life died before their work was completed: FDR, JFK, MLK, so many others... The promised land is somewhere ahead of us, despite the opposition making accusations of “crazy altruism” and “starry-eyed dreaming.” No one is going to drive us there and drop us off; we have to get there by ourselves, and the journey isn’t an easy one. It’s a place we have to keep striving for, working for. A dream of spring...

It’s not Daenerys’s destiny, I think, to rule humanity in the long term; Dany’s destiny is, I think, to make sure that humanity doesn’t, well, lose their humanity. To make sure that humanity doesn’t fall into eldritch slavery.

The Others would make us automatons in their icy, inhuman regime. The Others would steam-roller all over humanity, and take away humanity’s freedom to choose, as Tywin Lannister tries to do to his children, trying to take all of their choices away and control them completely. The Others would take away our self-determination, our freedom to choose good or evil, our freedom to be the rulers of our own fate. 

I don’t think it’s Daenerys job to be a ruler in the end. I think she’s fighting evil now so that other people can keep fighting that good-and-evil “human heart in conflict with itself” fight long after she’s gone ... I’ve never believed in a “Targaryen restoration” ending although I wouldn’t necessarily be opposed to it. 

Like Moses, Daenerys won’t lead us into the promised land ... we have to get there ourselves. 

And I’ve strayed from your question into a topic that’s more interesting to me because I cannot fucking belieeeeeeve that you are even asking me if the compassionate, caring, teenage-girl, sexual-abuse-survivor, messiah-figure Daenerys Targaryen is a fucking fascist when everything Daenerys “the fire is mine” Targaryen does is in narrative opposition to Certified Fucking Fascist Tywin Racist Lannister oh my god I cannot believe this is where we’ve come to as a fandom, I cannot fucking belieeeeeeve. 

Anon. Honey. Baby. I say this gently, with love: Whyyyyyyyyy are you reading “Daenerys is a fascist” metas? That didn’t even work on the show. 

When I googled “Daenerys Targaryen fascist” to try and figure out what you could possibly be reading to argue against it, the top result is an alt-right thinkpiece website about how dangerous Dany was all along in freeing slaves!!!! And the next results are people who think the iron throne actually matters when GRRM himself has said that the political war is a red herring. 

The endgame rulers don’t even particularly matter because what matters in the end is that humanity wins against the Others and we still have control over ourselves, what matters is for that human heart conflict to continue to exist inside ourselves and that we rule over that conflict inside ourselves. 

"We all must choose," she proclaimed.

Practice some self-care; go read Armageddon Rag, and remember this: TWOW is not going to save us. 

[spacesnaill]

Holds you at gunpoint. Every question for Jupiter. (you can skip some if you want-)

i love you, you motherfucker 🔫

1. what is your character's relationship to the traveler?

jupiter is aether’s and lumine’s big sibling, so they all get along very well. i like to think aether and lumine are way more brash and “act before you think” kind of people, while jupiter usually is the one who takes lead (both because of the big sib energy and because they are way more analytical). that being said, jupiter is aware that the twins are very much capable of surviving on their own and fighting if there is any need for that, which is why even after losing touch with them in tevyat they know that the twins will manage somehow, they just need to find them

2. is your character proud of, ashamed of, or indifferent to their feelings towards members of a certain gender?

i’d like to think that the species/society the trio comes from doesnt give a fuck about gender and sexuality so jupiter would never feel ashamed or upset about their feelings towards specific genders. i dont think they would rlly label themself but they are definitely not straight. as to having feelings towards others: they are usually straight forward in their approach

3. what is your character's relationship with themselves?

jupiter knows their purpose and objective very well, but that often clouds their true desires. i like to think that they havent really been thinking for themself up until they were stranded in tevyat and had to rely on themself. they came to realize their own opinions and perspectives that they carry with themself everywhere they go. tho, their views are rather flexible, because they are very much willing to learn if an oppoturnity arises. that being said, they dont quite know themself well just yet, they are still learning after all

4. what is their favorite region? why?

with how much of the game is available rn, liyue is definitely their favorite so far. it’s culture is incredibly rich and full of fascinating stories and legends. i personally am looking forward to the release of sumeru, but what will come out of it is yet to be seen

5. what is their relationship with Zhongli? do they have one at all?

oh they very much do. while his charm and politeness are qualities that they very much enjoy, what originally drew them closer to him was his vast knowledge over liyue’s traditions and customs. at first during their stay at liyue harbor they would wait to catch him during his afternoon and evening strolls around the city to ask him things and carefully listen to everything he has to say. id like to think that zhongli appreciated having such an active listener and even a conversation partner at some point. eventually their little friendship grew into fondness for each other and they would seek each other’s company, until jupiter straight up confessed. id like to think their relationship is fairly innocent and very much founded on mutual respect and admiration. they both value honesty and communicate with each other rather well. and even though, zhongli hesitated before agreeing to travel with them, leaving liyue behind, he doesnt regret doing it

6. who is their love interest? If they do not have one, who is their closest friend?

while zhongli is both their love interest and their dear friend, venti is their first close friend. during the events of chapter I they both bonded. venti seemed like someone containing a vast amount of knowledge that jupiter was eager to discover. it quickly became apparent to them that the bard doesnt particularly like to talk about the past in detail, but venti still would surprise them with how much he knew about art and the culture surrounding it. they are both pretty light spirited so they always enjoyed each other’s company and their bond only grew stronger during their travels.

7. what do they think of Mona?

they are curious about and intrigued by her methods. they can also very much relate to her pursuit of lost/forgotten knowledge. they like to ask her about astrology and theorize with her, asking her to teach them little things for an exchange of a hot, homemade meal

8. what do they think of The Knights of Favonius?

their opinion on the knights is mixed. they can very much see that most of the people working for them are underqualified and not cut for the job or only doing it for the renown. while the idea of a city without a ruler is appealing, in practice the knights are the ones ruling over it and jupiter was left feeling sceptical when thinking about their methods and the possible future. they dont have anything against the individual people in the organization, but they do think their approach is highly flawed

9. wine is Mondstadt's most popular drink. do they drink wine?

while they do indulge in alcohol from time to time, they dont seem to be able to get drunk or even tipsy. they’ve concluded that since their body is built differently than a person of this world’s, its very probable that they dont react to certain foods and products the same way. alcohol is like any kind of a drink for them and many people are terrified when they see them consume it in large quantities

10. what do they think of Kaeya?

they like his playful nature and think he is a highly intelligent person, who doesnt show anyone what he is truly capable of. his methods, while very  cunning, seem rather brash, which somehow reminds them of their siblings. while they are very much curious about his motives and history, they dare not to pray if it isnt welcomed. during their stay in mondstadt they would often times catch kaeya lurking in the tavern and spending time with the local gangs and bandits in order to extort information from them while drunk. in the rarer occasions where he would be alone, they would sometimes keep him company, filling the night with talks about nothing in particular

11. if they were forced to make the choice between killing their love interest/friend or killing themselves, what would they choose? why?

that very much depends on when that would happen. pre-separation with their siblings, they would very much operate on the hard logic of “whoever has more information/more important information should survive”. however after spending time in tevyat and meeting its people, jupiter learns to greatly value life and their inicial stance would change to a more selfless one. the more they get to know about the world the more they are willing to put their life on the line to preserve life in it, especially if its the life of someone they hold dear

12. what do they think of Childe? 16. is there a canon character your character hates? why?

at first they were open to the idea of being childe’s friend, however with time they started noticing that something was wrong with his overt friendliness. when he revealed his true intentions, jupiter was not surprised, but learning what he had chose to do made them absolutely despise him. staying in liyue has taught them a lot and made them care about the people living in this world. however childe seemed to have no disregard to them. they will not hesitate to fight him if their paths do cross again

13. do they carry a lot of Mora?

having a large amount of mora is basically a requirement when travelling with zhongli and venti. jupiter does take on a lot of jobs and comissions, though mora is mostly a secondary issue for them. they do find themself owning quite a lot of it at times until they overspend with their companions and are forced to rely on their survival skills in order to save up enough to get a roof over their heads

14. does your character side with Kaeya, Diluc or neither?

when it comes to the family feud: neither. jupiter doesnt like to pry into family matters and they understand both kaeya and diluc never talking about their issues with one another. while they cant imagine siblings behaving like that, due to their own experience, they dont feel like its their place to judge.

when it comes to the knights of the favonius: jupiter slightly leans more on diluc’s side, recognizing the many weaknesses of the organization as it is, however they both come from different places when critiquing it.

15. what do they think of Venti?

venti has become their best friend and they value him deeply. they worry about him sometimes, aware of the origin of his appearance and the history behind it. they like how venti seems to perceive life in a very poetic way and are fascinated by it. they get along very well and venti often fill their time during their travels by his songs, both known and not yet named

17. how did they acquire their vision?

they seem to be blessed with the same ability as their siblings when it comes to being granted powers without aquiring a vision themself

18. what is your character's weakness?

their curiosity and hunger for knowledge

19. what is their strength?

they utilize the knowledge they have gathered into things they can use to their advantage be it in battle or daily life

20. what is your character's theme song?

pure gold by half·alive

21. what weather do they love the most? why?

they love when its sunny. jupiter very much enjoys the feeling of sunlight on their skin

22. what do they think of Paimon?

jupiter would be Ecstatic to get to meet paimon. her vast knowledge in all matters would make her a valuable companion. in the current story they have no idea who she is as of now though

23. what do they think of the Fatui?

while they do not approve of the fatui’s methods, they cant help but think that something much deeper must be going on. jupiter wants to believe that the tsaritsa cant be simply evil and that perhaps she has some other, hidden motivation for her actions. having spent time with and got to know the fatui in liyue, they also know that not all of them are cartoonish bad guys

24. what do they think of the archons?

overall the concept of archons seems very new and intriguing to them. they do try to get as much information about their godhood out of venti and zhongli. they wonder whether this world really needs the archons as much as it claims to

25. what is the worst thing that could happen to your oc?

either losing their siblings or losing their memory (its a great fear of theirs)

26. what does your oc want the most?

their long term dream is to write down all the knowledge they’ve gathered so far and make it accessible and understandable to anyone willing to read it

[naruto-oc-critiques]

not to be that girl lmao, but could i get some sasuke pairing advice? i really enjoyed reading the pairing advice you gave to others but i hadn’t seen one of his yet. personally, i don’t see him being the type to really fit with anyone but? yeah please and thanks!

So, a Sasuke pairing guide.

That’s no problem. I mean, why else has he been without one for so long? It’s not like he’s super difficult to write for or anything.

he is omg help me

On a serious note, Sasuke is a complex character. That said, I think what makes him most difficult to pair isn’t necessarily his personality but these two things:

His tunnel vision. Sasuke was occupied with his goals and was only interested in seeing them realized. He didn’t pay attention to people unless they could somehow help in achieving those goals (see: Team Hebi / Taka). Sasuke was never seeking an intimate relationship (whether platonic or otherwise) because it was irrelevant to what he was trying to accomplish.

The timeline. Sasuke’s personal journey is closely linked to Naruto’s main plot—he’s pretty much the main driving force of the story. He’s got a lot going on and, combined with the previous point, there’s not a lot of wiggle room to integrate an OC into his story.

Of course, there are ways of pairing Sasuke—he just requires some careful consideration if you’re sticking with canon, which is the assumption I'm going with when writing this guide.

On that note, I want to mention something: a relationship with Sasuke will likely be a slow burn, long distance one. It will include Sasuke being MIA frequently and, when he does finally return, there will likely be baggage to work through.

This, however, should be embraced, in my opinion.

The most common approach I've seen in pairing Sasuke with an OC is to have them meet in Konoha during Part I > OC follows Sasuke to Orochimaru > OC follows Sasuke by joining Team Taka / Hebi and then profit. This approach, while giving Sasuke and OC consistent exposure to one another, is one that really works against OC creators as it creates this need to justify too many story and character deviations, which causes unnecessary frustration.

My solution: don't have OC present during every step of Sasuke's journey.

Think outside the box. Have an OC that was always an affiliate of Sound and they meet when Sasuke defects. Let OC and Sasuke first meet or reconnect after the Fourth Shinobi War. Have them meet as adults during the Boruto era. Develop your OC's life outside of their interactions with Sasuke; don't force them to always be together.

or you can just do what you want also

With that little tangent out the way, let’s talk about his personality a little.

After the Uchiha Massacre, Sasuke was pretty cold. He didn't care much about relationships—or other people in general. Unless they were stronger than him, in which case, he would obsess over surpassing them. During Part I, Sasuke's capacity for empathy was a bit higher—as seen with his interactions with Team 7, among other instances—but he eventually discards this in exchange for pursuing power during Shippūden. There is a callous disregard for others during this time as well, something he doesn't begin to move past until the end of Shippūden. Following Parts I and II, Sasuke begins moving towards trying to form and strengthen connections with those around him. He's still not outwardly brimming with emotion, but he is much more capable and open to expressing those kind, caring feelings he has for others in his own way.

So, finally, onto what you probably want most: what Sasuke might like in a partner! Yay!

Someone talented and / or useful. Applicable mainly to Parts I and II Sasuke. If your OC is not as strong as or stronger than Sasuke, he's not interested, as the great Cloud Strife often puts it. OC would have to be on Neji / Gaara / Rock Lee levels of strength and notoriety to catch Sasuke's attention—everyone else is literally fodder to him. Similarly, when he's in his Team Hebi / Taka days, he's only interested in those that can help fulfill his goals. This is where issues of power level can come into play (especially during Part I), but the only advice I can really give is to just develop your OC's abilities, strengths and weaknesses.

Someone empathetic but uncompromising. Applicable mainly to post-Shippūden Sasuke. What I mean is Sasuke might want someone that understands his motives for his past actions—but would also need to see the error in them. Sasuke himself is completely ashamed of his past actions and seeks to repent for them, so I doubt he would want someone making excuses for him when he himself doesn't.

Someone steadfast in their convictions. Someone that stays on their own personal path no matter what. I think this would be appealing to Sasuke, considering how his own goals, feelings and convictions were constantly tried and tested throughout the series.

Someone accommodating. A person that understands that Sasuke won't always be there but still chooses to welcome him, maybe not with open arms, but at least with an open heart would go a long way. OC can (understandably) be upset, hurt and annoyed with him but someone that realizes Sasuke is trying in his own way to become better and is willing to work on their relationship together is cool.

Emotionally grounded and mature. I'm not saying your OC has to be without their own problems—everyone has their problems, ya know—but I think someone that is aware of their emotional needs would be able help and support Sasuke in mending his emotional needs. They'd be able to communicate and all that good jazz.

Easygoing and open. While I don't think Sasuke is bothered by loud, more rambunctious people (see: Naruto and Sakura), I do think that a calm, mellow individual could work well with him. Also someone forthright with their feelings would mesh well, in my opinion. They'd probably be the "lead dancer," if you will, when it comes to the communication aspects of their relationship—they could say the things that Sasuke might struggle to say or express without feeling the embarrassment or hesitation he might feel.

Overall, like I said, when it comes to pairing an OC with Sasuke, it's better not force things or do too many things at once. Working on a smaller scale, I think, would be ideal and more enjoyable when attempting to write a romance for Sasuke.

Personally, I wouldn’t recommend going the typical route of having an OC born and raised in Konoha jumping around the story following after Sasuke—unless, of course, you think you have good reasoning behind it. I would recommend on exploring post- Shippūden and Boruto era Sasuke, where he is more emotionally available, and there is more room for relationship building plus boruto era sasuke is pretty tasty fr fr.

But, as always, do what makes you happy and have fun with it!

- ATB

[tea-with-nyarlathotep]

Hegemony and Arthurian Myth

SSS here! I'm a big fan of old myths, and one set of myths I have a particular fondness of is Arthurian Myth! Sure, not all of it has aged well, but there's something compelling to me about its characters and their countless interpretations, from the tragedy to the glory, and I love its nature as a tale where most of the characters genuinely try their best even in a society where kings and queens exist. My personal favorite piece of Arthurian fiction is Terence Howard White's The Once and Future King. While it hasn't aged too well in places, its themes of the tragedy of grudges, destructive love, and the horrors of abuse still have a firm place in my heart. It's no surprise, then, that I'd take into account Arthurian Myth and The Once and Future King as I wrote Hegemony. So... here's the three characters that have the biggest parallels with their counterparts from Arthurian Myth.

Adora is the obvious example. He-Man, and She-Ra by extension, are by definition inspired by the tale of King Arthur. Unsurprisingly, I have a take on this as well. Adora has many similarities to the Arthur of myth in Hegemony. She goes from a commoner to a destined monarch due to her bloodline, chooses a path of bravery and heroism, and seeks to unite the world. The only thing is that... well... "uniting the world" is bad if it requires you to conquer other people, a fact Adora comes to disregard. It would be easy for a destined hero to fall apart and to turn to evil, and it should come as no surprise that Adora slowly does so. Also, they both draw a sword from a rock, so that's a parallel.

So, I know what the one person reading this is thinking... surely, Hordak parallels one of the villains, right? Perhaps the dastardly trickster and court mage Morgan Le Fay? The plotter Morgause, who overthrows the shining kingdom after her death? Or maybe the deranged Mordred, used as a weapon in a war he had no choice in?

Well, actually, he's Lancelot. Now, there's already a parallel to Lancelot in the character. Hordak is a tragic figure whose only self-worth comes from his purity and martial prowess. Taking this further, The Once and Future King has an iffy depiction of Lancelot as conventionally unattractive, and while we know Hordak is a gorgeous fellow, it's safe to say not all of Etherian society would share our views on him. Also much like Lancelot, Hordak is a being of incredible strength and power who despite everything hates himself due to feeling he is born improperly and has lost his purity. The two even engage in a romance forbidden by their "god" out of sheer love for someone else.

But also, he's a lot like Satan, because I have one trick I can do with Hordak and I really like Milton.

Lastly, we have Shadow Weaver, the character who does parallel Morgause. Admittedly, this is in no way a stretch from canon. Much like Morgause, Shadow Weaver is an abusive mother, a villainous sorcerer, and an ambitious plotter who seeks to take revenge on a kingdom for what she perceives as wrongdoing. Suffice it to say the parallels are quite obvious here, even moreso if you do as many contemporary adaptations do and merge Morgause and Morgan into one character. After all, Shadow Weaver is essentially a court mage when it comes down to it.

____________

Overall, I deliberately gave Hegemony parallels with Arthurian Myth. I don't know how well they worked. I don't really know how clever they are, nor how well-made they are, but it's a point of interest for me and I hope this interests at least a few people.

[ganymedesclock]

Hello! I just recently got HK and I wanted to pick your brain about something. The point of the Knight coming to seal the Radiance is that they're truly hollow enough to do it. That they had no will, no desires, etc. But they clearly display a will and a desire to explore and help the citizens of Hallownest. Even before they see their past and gain the voidheart. Is it just player-game dissonance or does the Knight posses a mind that's not understandable by PK, Radiance, and White Lady?

There’s, a lot of bits to this (and I am about to go to bed for the night so I don’t have time to dig them up) but my longstanding contention, put simply, has always been that PK is an unreliable narrator on the “emptiness” of vessels.

Because the character of the Abyss is not truly empty. If anything, it is abundant, overflowing.

You can, through the game, direct Ghost to behave as something who genuinely has nothing in their mind but PK’s objective. You can ignore everyone who doesn’t physically stop you, disregard anything that you can’t proceed without. There are programmed reactions to this- Elderbug trying vainly to get your attention, Hornet not opening up to you by Herrah’s bedside- and it locks you into the worst ending. You also, taking that run, are given the least information about what’s going on. You basically won’t even know the significance of what you’re doing, but you will be warned of its futility.

To get the better endings- to actually affect any sort of meaningful long-term change in the world, and specifically to better harness and wield the Abyss’s power, you have to direct Ghost to not act like a robot with no feelings. You have to poke around, you have to investigate things, you have to pry deeply into the world and the things that live there. You have to not only express curiosity about the game world, but be stubborn and aggressive about it.

This is not only conflated with more content, more lore- but this is what unlocks the Abyss and renders it onto Ghost’s use. Allegedly, the Abyss is “perfect emptiness”.

But what does that mean to be truly hollow? PK thought it meant a total absence of emotion- and I think in that sense, PK’s the last narrator we should trust. Why? Because, well, PK ruined basically everything- including himself- over his basic inability to understand emotions. PK and feelings are not on speaking terms. PK basically died because he can’t manage his emotions worth jack nor shit.

And it’s Hollow- the, arguably, “failed” vessel- who has strong themes of emotional suppression, of trying to truly Feel Nothing. Hollow, whose void-affinity is relatively weak, but, who, compared to Ghost, has a way better affinity for gleaming, silvery light as exemplified with the Pure Vessel boss fight- silvery light much like the Pale King, mister Terrible At Feelings himself. The exchange at the end of the Path of Pain, to me, is damning evidence that not only did PK know full well Hollow wasn’t emotionless, but he wasn’t emotionless himself; he thought both of them would be fine as long as they personally committed to denying their feelings. It didn’t work for either of them.

Ghost- who, the further you go into the game, is increasingly drummed as Abyss Incarnate, the Lord of Shades? Ghost has feelings. They have regrets. It’s not just player projection- the fact that Ghost produces a shade on death, that they have to grapple and contend with, is in-universe called attention to as that Ghost has regrets- intense, dark, violent regrets- that they are grappling with.

The Void Heart- mastery of the Abyss- does not destroy the Shade. It instead stabilizes the Shade. Arguably, the more “void regalia” Ghost gathers to themselves- the Shade cloak, the void-tinted spells- the more that they actually leak their shade through the controlling, fettering, “have no feelings” mask.

Getting the better endings requires awakening the Dream Nail to its full potential- which the Seer states happens because you are literally gathering others’ dreams to yourself.

I think the true nature of the Abyss’s “hollowness” is not actually lacking feelings, but accepting feelings. Because in a completionist run of the game, rather than a minimalist speed run that the game canonizes to better condemn- Ghost effectively acts as a medium to Hallownest’s restless spirits.

Throughout the game, even as you hone your strength and skills and gain power to affect more and more of the world, you are called upon to listen. To accept. To behold that which people want to show you, want to say, want to confess to someone. Even your enemies; the Failed Champion and Soul Tyrant don’t yield their crop of essence just to being defeated. Rather, you have to hear out what reads very much like their last regrets. They want to clarify themselves, they want to cry out- even into the darkness- that they were alive, that they cared, that they wanted something, that they tried.

This is not a dispassionate act. Being a confessor (and Jiji literally holds that title, being a very void-aligned individual who’s able to call your Shade to you and is very impressed by the Void Heart) is an act of active empathy.

But effective empathy does require not being preoccupied with yourself. You can’t be filled with your own thoughts and feelings if you are letting others’ flow through you cleanly.

Ghost clearly is themselves. They have a part of themselves that they don’t give to anyone, and don’t let anyone else define. Throughout the game, lots of people question Ghost- interrogate or simply remark on their silence, wonder what it’s like to be them, what they feel, what they think.

The message we get heavily throughout the dialogue is that Ghost has opinions and personality- they make decisions we as the player don’t. For example, listening to Hornet in Beast’s Den, she clearly reacts to Ghost giving her a look. 

You can talk to everyone holding a delicate flower in your inventory, but Ghost will only show it to some people, and that’s clearly not a decision based only in who asks for it, since you can offer it to people who don’t want it. It’s not player-directed either, outside of the ultimate yes/no prompt and getting the flower there in the first place.

So I think true or “perfect emptiness” in Hollow Knight isn’t the absence of emotion, but accepting it; and basically the idea of being a ‘perfect vessel’ or a true heir to the Abyss’s power is basically a question of how effective of a medium or empath you are. Because that’s not a stripe you earn by Avoiding Attachment or refusing to act in a sentimental manner to people, and actually doing that locks you out of abyssal apotheosis. Instead, the “True path” that empowers Ghost requires an amount of dawdling, poking around, investigating, and above all else engaging emotionally with people that cannot be explained in a being that doesn’t have any thought or desire of their own.

Especially since the Void Heart itself is only accessible if Ghost actually seeks out answers for their own past. White Lady doesn’t tell you that you should or that you must go seek out the place you were born- she just says it’s an option, if Ghost wills it, now that they have the Kingsoul. And while she remarks afterwards that she’s not sure if you feel anything anymore, to me, that suggests that Ghost has transcended, the way White Lady is aware of you using the Dream Nail on her and basically makes sure you don’t get at anything she doesn’t want you to. (and, it’s further confirmation that before the Void Heart, she was picking up feelings from Ghost)

TL;DR I think the Pale King is an unreliable narrator about the true nature of the Abyss because of his own issues with emotional suppression; the true nature of the Abyss is not Without Emotion as much as it is accepting and reaching a state of peace with one’s own emotions and the emotions of others. 

[secretshinigami]

Not Alone

Author: @jam-knife (I’m submitting through my main) For: @misas-biggest-fan Pairings/Characters: LxLight Rating/Warnings: Mature. Major characters’ deaths. Mentions of sex (though nothing too explicit, and I kept curse words to a minimum too). Angst, lots of it. Prompt: Light being tailed by L’s ghost Author’s Notes: heyyyyy first of all I LOVED your prompts! I really enjoyed writing this for you, it was a very interesting scenario to explore. I hope you like it!!! Please let me know what you think of it once you finish reading it. Second of all, this fic begins with a scene that was unfortunately cut from the anime (though it wasn’t canon in the manga as far as I know, so it’s not that bad). I don’t know whether or not you’ve watched it, but I’ll leave the link here just in case! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tX1_K-mUH94 Word Count: 12k (approximation)

“You said nothing much to look forward to, Ryuk?”

Light’s words were met only by the rustling sound of leaves being ruffled by a sudden cold breeze, which carried with it the smell of removed earth, moss and death. The dirt stuck to his palms and the fabric of his pants as he stood up. He didn’t even show the empathy it required to rub it off.

“Not really. From now on, I’m going to show you how the new world is built.”

His eyes travelled to the sky, dyed orange and red as dusk fell upon him and his –unusually silent– Shinigami. He didn’t give L’s grave one last glimpse as he turned and left. What was there to see anymore? The rocky cross was nothing more than some artfully carved stone, the body six feet below it just an empty carcass, and the dirt that covered it and clung to his person wasn’t different from any other dirt.

None of it truly represented what L had been. L couldn’t possibly be reduced to or preserved in a graveyard lot. Those symbols were hollow.

L was gone. Forever. Which meant that Light now had green light to do with the world –His world– what he wanted.

That’s when he felt it, for the first time.

A step.

Light froze. That… he must have imagined it. Just in case he glanced over his shoulder, and confirmed there was nobody else there; just Ryuk, hovering half a foot over the paved path. That means he imagined it.

That extra step, as if someone tailing him had synchronized their walking with his own, but their last step was slightly off-key.

No. It was nothing. It had been a long day… a long year actually. But now the war was finally over, and all there was left to do was conquer-

He didn’t manage to conclude that thought before the chilling breeze enveloped him in a personal whirlwind of sorts, seeping into his clothes and attacking his every nerve. It only lasted a moment, but it was more than enough for him to perceive an intention in it. One simple idea. Confrontation.

Light was free. Omnipotent. And L was no more.

That is the plain truth… right?

The second time he noticed it was a few days later. Most of the time he wouldn’t even remember it, but every now and then the extra step would announce itself. Subtle, barely present enough to tickle the back of his head. And it grew worse every time he looked the Task Force members in the eye and manipulated or lied to them.

No, he didn’t feel guilty about L’s death –or about any death that preceded it. To think that the reason why his subconscious invoked a constant sensation of being followed and sneered upon was because of some pathetic remorse was ridiculous. Light Yagami was above all that moral crap humans loved to entertain themselves with. He was the God of a newborn world; he simply did what needed to be done for true justice to prevail.

No matter how many times he told himself this, though, the sensation wouldn’t fade away. But, again, it was just that. A sensation.

Or so it had been, until that night.

He had been working on replicating L’s voice synthesizing program for hours on end. There were no windows on the building’s main room, but he knew it was probably very late by now. Even Ryuk, who didn’t biologically need sleep as the otherworldly being he was, had sprawled himself messily on one of the couches and was snoring to his heart’s content.

Light sighed and went back to work. He remembered how that artificial voice had sounded when L used it against him, and when he lent it to Light so he could contact Namikawa during the Yotsuba period. That’s how he knew he was close to getting it right; going to sleep now would only be a waste of time and concentration.

He tweaked the depth and the vibration here and there, checked it, then went back to correcting it. And finally, he succeeded.

“Hello, one two three, testing…” He spoke into the mic, and beamed when he realized he made it. Yes, this would work.

To make sure it was convincing enough to fool anyone, but mostly just because he was feeling giddy with victory, he tried out some L-ish phrases and worked on his intonation and mood.

“You’re in Japan. And your first victim was… little more than an experiment.”

That was exactly what that man had said… so many months ago. Light could still perfectly recall the smugness dripping off every syllable.

“It won’t be too long now before I am able to sentence you… to death.” He replicated impeccably, the words leaving a sour aftertaste behind as he remembered the rage they had unleashed within him back then.

Light gulped and took a breath before leaning into the mic one more time.

“I am L.”

Are you done playing detective?

Light jumped. The chair rolled beneath him and he landed roughly on the floor, together with the toppled mic and a stack of papers, causing a momentary ruckus. He quickly scrambled to his feet, finding support on the desk behind him as he eyed the room. But there was nothing there.

There was no way. He could have sworn he heard L’s voice –not the digital fake, the real deal– whispering inside his head just now. But it lacked the inconsistency of a memory; it had sounded way too organic. It was nothing like the footstep or the silent vigilance. That… was real.

But it couldn’t be. L was dead –he was absolutely certain of that. He had held his body when it happened. He felt it go numb. Still. He confirmed there was no pulse. Then why… why could he hear him?

Was he going crazy?

Every ounce of rationality in him told him so. But. If that… thing just now was real, then…

“Well… Shinigami exist, don’t they? Literal Gods of Death.” He thought out loud. “So… what would be so weird about ghosts?”

Slowly, as if not to disturb the atmosphere, he picked up the chair and sat back down. Not facing the computer, but the room enveloped in darkness. Nothing happened, but he still raised his knees to his chest and adopted his rival’s trademark position out of instinct.

He was definitely losing it.

“Did I make you mad, L?” Light teased, his lips twisted into a wry smile that lost some of its effect given how shaken he actually felt. Even so, there was no answer. “Nothing to say? Why so shy all of a sudden…”

The room was completely quiet except for Ryuk’s thunderous snores. Light waited for a whole minute, and then two more. There were no words… but that feeling of something lingering remained.

“You said yourself I’d do a great job succeeding you.” He tried out, although he was probably just trailing off. “But we both know you wanted to test me, to see if I gave you a response worthy of Kira. You weren’t expecting to actually see it unfold, were you. Does it irritate you? Do you want to hurt me?”

He was about to give up and go back to work when the quiet, familiar chuckle resonated inside him, sending shivers down his spine.

That’s rich coming from the man responsible for my death.

Light’s heart skipped a beat… and his smile grew darker. So it was really him. He wasn’t crazy, or hallucinating. L was haunting him.

“So what? Have you come to take revenge? Talk about a sore loser.”

That, right there, is where you are wrong, dear. You think you’ve already won, but the war is far from over.

He frowned. Even dead, L continued to be as smug as ever. Had it always been this annoying? Moreover, how come L could say it wasn’t over? What else was there left to do? Who else left to defeat?

“What do you mean? I killed you. Everyone left believes in my innocence and supports me as the new L. I’ve acquired the ultimate power. I can direct the police force as L while enchanting the general public as Kira. There’s nothing and nobody else standing on my way to absolute victory.”

Only silence followed his statements. Even more exasperated, he declared:

“You are already dead, L. You’re dead.”

He waited, but nothing else came from L that night.

That, of course, didn’t mean he was gone for good.

Light continued to hear the extra step following him from room to room. That he learned to ignore over time, since it’s easier for the brain to disregard what it gets used to perceiving –just like not seeing your own nose in front of you all the time unless you actively think about it.

What always caught Light off-guard, even though it had become an everyday thing, was when L spoke to him. Light would normally be able to feel when L was laughing at him, or when something he did made the ghost mad. But every time L spoke actual words, they echoed inside Light’s head and his skin tickled.

It was icky. Plus, talking to L always got Light on his nerves. Even after death, the detective had found a purpose for his existence in unnerving Light. And even that was remarkably ordinary and unsurprising compared to the fact that Light somehow managed to put up with it for over four years.

Four years of snarky remarks over his shoulder. Four years of effort dedicated to ignoring that voice and pretending he didn’t hear it, only for L to slip into his dreams where he couldn’t escape him.

Not all was bad, though. He had already experienced having L study his every move, follow him from room to room… back when they were handcuffed they even had to sleep in the same bed and take showers together. Compared to that, the current situation was not so bad. The lack of chains was an improvement, he no longer had to hide his identity as a mass murderer, and since he already had several years worth of experience with talking to entities nobody else could see, concealing L’s presence to the Task Force wasn’t too hard a task.

Ryuk would sometimes eye him like he had gone insane, but Light had no interest in explaining himself to a Shinigami. He knew what Ryuk thought of death: after passing away, the soul goes to the 無(Mu). The Nothingness. According to that, L’s existence as a ghost should be impossible. But here he was regardless.

L didn’t just talk. Light came to realize he was a great listener too. Maybe ‘realize’ was not the right word; more like… rediscover. Except that back when the man was alive, Light was convinced the only reason why he listened to anything he had to say was because he was desperately trying to blame him for something, even though Light didn’t have memories of being Kira back then.

The fact that L listened to him, now that everything was out in the open and what couldn’t be undone had been done, was… nice? That was not quite it.

Sometimes they’d just debate for hours about justice, life and other philosophical matters; sometimes Light would get engrossed in explaining detail by detail each and every plan he executed against L while the ghost laughed and mockingly praised his ingenuity. Sometimes Light felt so alone he crawled out of the bed he shared with Misa and went to the living room, just to sit down in the dark and talk nonsense to that invisible presence.

Meanwhile, time flew by and the world mutated. Kira had become the universal symbol of justice with little to no opposition from any government or social movement, and the mighty detective that once confronted him had slowly faded away, until people grew to remember him as one of many who rebelled against God and obviously failed.

Ghost L found this hilarious at best, and revolting at worst.

And even though the supernatural factor of their whole relationship also extended to how annoying the ghost could get, Light still got used to him not ever really leaving. Slowly, too gradually to pinpoint when, the rage of an imperfect victory was subdued by the solace of keeping the one person that understood.

Until Sayu was kidnapped by Mello. And that changed everything.

There were more opponents. L would call them ‘successors’. The words that were spoken by the ghost over four years ago began to make sense: the war was far from over. With the rise of Mello and Near, Light felt like he was facing his old rival all over again, except this time everything was messier, and the stakes higher.

They had to give away the Death Note to save Sayu’s life. Light did everything that was at hand to stop them from taking it… but they lost the missile. A defeat of that magnitude… It was something he hadn’t experienced in years. It was even worse than when L publicly humiliated him with his live broadcast.

It reminded him of that time. The rain fell relentlessly. He sat, soaked, and let L massage his feet while those huge, merciless yet peaceful eyes pierced him with the truth that the detective had never, not even for a second, swallowed his bluffs. And it made Light feel stupid and desperate and small. That was how he felt now.

The wrath, the impotence, the absolute disgust it all produced were so intense he did nothing but sit on his chair, staring at the ceiling. Misa approached with a cool drink, probably trying to soothe him, but he lacked the energy and the interest to pretend he gave a fuck, so he simply slapped it off her hands and to the floor.

Why was everyone so useless? Why was he so useless?!

Those two kids… he hated them for getting in his way. And he hated L, for being related to them.

Light stormed out of the room and into the bathroom, the door finding its frame with a bang. He wanted to yell. He wanted to break something. With no means to release his rage, he began briskly ripping his clothes off and turned on the shower. Steam immediately filled the room from floor to ceiling; the heat was suffocating even without exposing himself to the water and that, somehow, was relaxing.

You know, that was a very rude thing to do.

Light growled. Not now. He couldn’t handle L as he was now.

“Nobody asked for your bloody opinion.”

I knew you had some anger management issues, but I never would’ve thought you’d take it out on the only person in your life who’s ever offered you comfort and her unconditional support-

“What do you care, L!” He swirled around, yelling at the empty bathroom. He knew he wouldn’t find the man there when he turned, but screaming at the shapes in the steam was easier. “For someone who isn’t even alive you do have a lot to say. It’s pretty hard to give a shit about what you think when you’re never useful and you’re not even here.”

What do you expect me to do, then?

“I don’t know! How about you face me for once instead of hiding like a coward? Or maybe you could just disappear! Why are you even here?!”

He was being irrational, he knew it. And he could only imagine what Misa or Ryuk would think of all this if they walked in on him, screaming at the air. But he didn’t care if he didn’t make sense; he was too angry, and the only one he wanted to take it out on was L. Because it was his fault that people continued to sabotage his perfect plans. If L hadn’t shown up… everything would have been easier.

Do you really want me to leave?

“Yes.” He answered, without a shade of a doubt. “That’s the only thing I’ve wanted ever since you first threatened to sentence me to death. I thought you picked that up when I held you in my arms and watched you die with a smile on my face. Or didn’t you see me laughing at your grave?”

I did.

“Then what the hell are you waiting for?”

A moment of silence followed. Then, hesitantly…

I can’t.

What?

“Why?” Light asked, reaching the limits of his patience.

You think that if I knew I’d still be here? Don’t flatter yourself. The voice answered dryly. It was irritating, but… somewhere deep inside those words he could identify an edge of frustration and… pain. There is something that draws me towards you. Like there’s something I need to do, and it won’t let me go until I do it. But whatever that is I have no idea.

Light huffed, holding his head in his hands.

“Why couldn’t you just die normally…”

I ask myself the same thing every day.

He breathed out. So there was no way to get rid of L as it was. No chance of freedom in the near future. Well, at least he could vent out a bit. Resigned, he finished stripping and stepped into the shower.

He reached out to take the soap, and froze. The presence… L’s ghost was usually respectful of his personal space but now, it had followed him into the shower.

“What are you doing?” Light asked cautiously, his face beat red and not because of the heat. He didn’t want L in his shower, not even for old times’ sake.

You must hate my guts. Not that I have any anymore.

“Isn’t that obvious?” He retorted, not knowing when the atmosphere got so dense or why he felt uneasy about it.

I guess. Still, I never thought of our altercation as something personal.

“We literally tried to get the other killed for months, L. I’d say it was pretty personal.” Light frowned, earning himself a giggle from L.

Fine, I guess you’re right. However, I don’t think I hate you now. I hate what you did. What you still insist on doing. But I don’t hate you, even though it doesn’t really make any sense.

He didn’t answer. He had no words worth speaking, and even if he did, he wouldn’t know what to do with them.

I’m sorry. I wish I could disappear just as much as you do.

“It’s okay. I… don’t mind having someone to talk to either.” He admitted through gritted teeth.

But, about facing you… I think I might be able to do that much.

What… what was he talking about? Light stayed put as water dripped down his body, feeling the steam behind him shift and change, then settle. His skin tickled with even more intensity than it did before, and for a whole five seconds, he seriously considered running off without turning around to see. But, of course, he didn’t. The temptation was too great to ignore.

When he turned around, every nerve end alert in case he had to fight –even though he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to fight a ghost–, he saw it. A translucent figure, its edges blurring into the steam…

“L…”

The commotion of seeing his face again, his eyes, his knowing expression after so many years was so strong Light stumbled back, and found stability against the dripping tiled wall. L’s pale lips curved into a small smile.

“Better?”

Light gulped. Even his voice sounded more corporeal, now that it was coming out of a mouth and not echoing inside his head. Hesitantly, he raised a hand and reached out to touch him. L, understanding his cautious curiosity, didn’t move.

Light went for the chest, over the point where he felt that last dying throb before L’s heart failed permanently. But when he got close enough to touch, his fingers simply trespassed the specter. Energy tickled like electricity all over his hand and up his forearm. He pulled out in shock, and the steam regrouped around the hole he left behind.

“Could you feel that?” He blurted out before thinking.

“Not at all.” The man answered, calmly even though he was also eyeing his own shape with devouring interest. This was new for him too. It was the first time in over four years that he tried out a physical shape.

Wide translucent eyes beamed when a new idea crossed his mind. L tossed his hand against the shampoo rack, but it didn’t even react. It didn’t show the slightest disturbance. That new discovery had L bedazzled. Meanwhile, Light couldn’t stop staring at him, still not quite grasping that this was real. That he could see L again, just the way he was when he lived. His expressions were even livelier than they were back then, now that he was dead and didn’t need to be cautious with his thoughts.

“Can others see you?”

“I don’t know yet. But given how nobody could hear or perceive me before except for you, I wouldn’t think so.”

“Then, from now on, can you stay like this? Visible I mean.”

L’s eyes narrowed, his features shifting with amusement, and Light looked away, his face flushed with embarrassment.

“Did you miss me that much? I’ve always been here though.” He teased. Light thought he’d die of mortification.

“Shut up. I just hate hearing you speak inside my head. It feels icky.”

“Alright then.” The smirk grew meaner.

“Also, step out of my shower. This is already weird enough as it is.”

L’s laugh in response to that couldn’t have been more annoying.

L had been right… for the most part. No other person or living being could see him hovering around Light; they wouldn’t react at all to the late detective’s presence as long as he avoided being trespassed by them.

But coming to realize Ryuk could see and hear him was amusing. For L at least, who could also now perceive the God of Death and seized the opportunity to suffocate the otherworldly being with questions until Ryuk lay on the floor, exhausted. Ryuk, too, seemed flabbergasted to find out ghosts actually existed, and he even taught L how to perfect his manifestation technique, until the specter managed to muster an almost solid-looking consistency he could acquire or shed at will.

Meanwhile, Light felt like his temper was gradually being gnawed at. Having both entities annoying him separately had been irritating enough, but he simply couldn’t have imagined how much worse it would get when they did so together.

“And then he told me he wouldn’t give me any more apples unless I found all the cameras!” Ryuk whined. “Even though he knew of my terribly painful withdrawal symptoms. And then I am the monster…”

“How awful.” L shook his phantasmagoric head in exaggerated disapproval. “Oh Light dear, what a cruel, terrible Master you are.”

“You said it! Heh-heh.” The Shinigami barked in agreement.

That was it. He wasn’t taking it anymore.

Light groaned, tossed the earphones away, snatched a pencil holder from the desk’s top and unchained a vicious rain of pens and pencils against the source of his irritation. L and Ryuk simply sat, amused, and watched the items as they trespassed their intangible forms.

“For the love of everything good in this world and the next, can you both just shut up for a goddamn minute?!”

“Anger management, remember?”

Exasperated, Light simply growled and went back to work.

“Ryuk, go back to my father before the rest begin wondering where you went. We’ll be ambushing Mello’s headquarters in a few hours. I need you to be there so he’ll do the deal of the eyes with you.”

“Heh-heh. Sending others to accept deals you’d spit on yourself.” Ryuk chuckled grimly, his eyes flashing bright red for a moment. “Alright! Let’s catch up later, L.”

L nodded at the Shinigami before it disappeared through the wall. He then came hovering to where Light was and sat –or rather landed– on the desk, facing him.

“So the reason why you forfeited the ownership of the Death Note is not only passing the trouble of handing over half of your remaining lifespan to someone else, but also avoid your father realizing you are a Note owner yourself when he comes back. Am I right, Light?”

“It was the only way.” Light shrugged it off, not quite grasping why L found that little trick so interesting. “How can I hope to rule the New World if I die young? I’m not going to risk my life on the frontline, let alone give my years away.”

“But your own father’s years are alright to sell.”

Light didn’t answer.

“You don’t care at all, do you. You’re straight up throwing him to the wolves. He could be shot to death in there and even if he does survive, he won’t have much of a life ahead of him, will he?”

“Enough.” He mumbled, but L didn’t stop.

“You know it. You know they wholeheartedly believe in that 13-days rule you made up. You know that lie is the only alibi in your hands that’s keeping Aizawa and the rest at bay. Which means… that even if tonight works out how you want it to and Mello is killed by your dad, then you’ll have to murder him in two weeks for your plan not to crumble-”

“That’s enough.” This time his voice came out firmly, and the ghost fell silent. “I’m just doing what needs to be done, L. I thought you of all people would understand that, after you confined and tortured Misa and me for days and even forced my dad to pretend to shoot me.”

“But I didn’t kill anyone. We are not the same-”

“Don’t give me that bullshit.” Light cut him, every muscle in his body tense. His stare was hard, unyielding, when it locked with L’s. “You were perfectly willing to let a criminal use the Death Note to prove the 13-days rule was false. You admitted yourself that you were expecting me, Kira, to instantly kill my dad if he tried to shoot me, because you knew damn well I’d put my own life before his. His death was no more than a calculated risk to you. In fact, in your head, it was the most probable outcome.”

The detective fretted, and Light grinned maliciously. He hit home.

“See? We both do whatever it takes to get what we want. You’re not different from me. You’re not better than me. So, instead of pretending to be surprised by my methods, how about you leave me alone so I can work on getting my Death Note back?”

The silence that followed was smothering. Painfully so. L was no longer looking back at him, but staring through the window. He looked offended mostly, but also guilty. His expression was so open and so sincerely aching Light blinked. So this was how L truly felt about the decisions he took, back when he was alive.

“Fine.” The ghost muttered finally, as his form dissolved in the air and disappeared.

For a moment that sight filled him with pure dread, but then he realized, as his heartbeat settled down, that he could still feel L’s presence coating him. He wasn’t really gone, he had just temporarily left his visible expression.

Good. Light didn’t feel strong or stable enough to face him right now.

A few hours later, Soichiro Yagami died in a hospital bed, relieved to know his son wasn’t a mass murderer.

After returning the Death Note to its rightful owner –a Shinigami that called itself Sidoh– all the Task Force had left to do was wipe their tears away and wrap it up. The trip back to headquarters was silent. Light appreciated that everyone was too shook and devastated about his dad’s death to talk about it.

Once alone in his room, he was free to be himself again.

He began calmly taking his clothes off and getting ready for bed, but before he could invoke some self control, he was already screaming and punching a pillow while tears rolled down his face.

This had been his father’s fault. If he hadn’t been weak… if he had killed Mello instead of hesitating…!

“Why did you let yourself get killed, idiot?!” Light yelled, his throat aching. His hands, which were clutching the pillow with violence, trembled vehemently as his crying echoed through the room and his tears fell, abundantly and showing no signs of stopping. “You didn’t even get rid of him! Why?! You weren’t supposed to die! Y-You… you weren’t supposed to…”

A sob shook his whole body on its way out, and he collapsed on bed, his face buried in the wet pillow. Only soft whimpering could be heard.

Later, he felt the air shift, and electricity tickled him in the leg.

“I thought you were counting on his death.”

Light’s face was swollen from crying when he lifted it from the pillow to look at L’s figure, sitting next to him in the dark with his hand on Light’s thigh. The touch held no weight or warmth, nothing quite organic; just a tingle.

“He was destined to die.” He mumbled weakly as his gaze wandered to the opposite wall. “It’s as you said. Either tonight or within two weeks, he had to. What’s more pathetic is that he only lived for a few hours after doing the deal… which means… that even if he hadn’t done it, he didn’t have much time left in his clock to begin with. He would’ve passed away naturally by tomorrow morning anyway.”

“Why are you crying, then?” L inquired softly, as his hand caressed up and down Light’s leg. “Because you couldn’t see Mello dead?”

Were other the context Light would’ve found the sparkly sensation bothersome –even embarrassing. He didn’t want to reach the level of feebleness that made him deserve L’s consolations. But that was not the case. The detective’s almost inexistent touch was comforting. Light closed his eyes, trying to remember what the real thing felt like, while fighting the devastating pang L’s question induced in him.

“My father’s death was inevitable. I know I did what I had to do. Still… that doesn’t mean I wanted him dead. In an ideal setting, Aizawa, Ide or even Matsuda would’ve taken it upon themselves to do the deal and kill Mello.”

He sat up, feeling the warmth building behind his eyes as new tears accumulated.

“Then… I could’ve killed any of them easily. But he just had to be… so freaking moral. He had to sacrifice himself… why? Nobody would’ve judged him if he had let someone else do it, then why?! It was that same attitude that got him shot in the end!”

Furious, he wiped the tears away before they overflowed. It was the truth. Even when his father died a somewhat happy death, he would’ve preferred it had been anyone else in his place. Still…

Light’s breathing settled, and he looked L in the eyes with determination.

“However, when he stood with Mello in that room, and when the building exploded and all the cameras went blank… and even as he lay there dying… all I could think of was ‘kill Mello. Kill him for me. Don’t leave without taking him down with you’.”

The pain of actually losing his dad came a while after, and even then it had been tainted with frustration and resentment. He wanted Mello dead. That, together with retrieving the Death Note, had been the whole point of the mission, and he had failed because his father chose the worst possible scenario to be humanitarian.

Light hated the feeling. He lost, even though he did nothing wrong. He hated not having control over his own battles. He hated how his father had chosen to die without revenge. He hated Mello for being alive out there somewhere.

“Even if it had been someone else in his place, I know your methods well enough by now to know you won’t be able to hide your true self forever.” L placed a finger on his chin. Even though the gesture wasn’t useful in practice since he simply trespassed it, Light still raised his head to look at him “Eventually, you’ll be wiping all that is left of the Task Force. And then it won’t matter anymore that your dad died today.”

Yes. L was right. Light… would have killed Soichiro eventually. It was only natural to take that course of action. And Light would bite his tongue and choke on it before letting himself hesitate on that matter. L’s eyes as they regarded him were incredibly sad, but not surprised.

“Do you find me disgusting, L?” He asked, a wry smile taking over his lips even though he was terrified of the answer he’d get. The ghost shook his head.

“No, Light.” An incorporeal hand brushed over his cheekbone. He closed his eyes and leaned into the tingle. “I’m just trying to decipher whether you’re a remorseless psychopath faking the pain you show, or if you’re actually acting remorseless to hide how much you’ve wounded yourself. Either way… I find you pitiful.”

And Light wanted to be angry. He tried his best to feel rage, indignation… even shame. But he couldn’t find it in himself. He was empty.

“Maybe… you’re both.”

“Tell me, Light. Did Misa approve of this plan?”

“Shut up.” He scowled, fixing his tie in front of the mirror.

Of course the answer was no. If Misa ever found out about this then she would gouge out both his and Takada’s guts. Giving up her Death Note and passing it to Mikami didn’t really make her any less lethal.

“I thought so. Especially by the way you whispered sweet nothings into the phone earlier.”

“Look, L.” Light turned around to face the late detective. L had become so good at expressing a physical shape that, if it weren’t for the blur at the edges when he moved, Light could’ve believed he was actually standing there in flesh and bone. “Whatever I choose to do with my love life is not your business, especially if it has something to do with my plans as Kira.”

L narrowed his eyes. Whether or not he was judging Light was hard to say.

“You have no moral structure whatsoever, do you?”

“As previously established, you don’t have much of that either-”

“I know.” The ghost cut him, raising a hand. “And I admit I wouldn’t hesitate to do the exact same thing you’re about to do to gain a benefit, as you already know.” At that, Light looked away. The room was too dark for his blush to be discernible. “Still, your shamelessness continues to amaze me.”

He chuckled ironically, staring the specter down as if it had just dared him to do it.

“Aizawa will come to install the cameras and mics now. Once he begins, I’ll have a perfect excuse to ignore you for the next few hours.” Light opened the box on top of the coffee table and began pulling out wires. He then halted, a meditative twinkle in his eyes, and addressed L. “Actually, could you disappear? I don’t want to see you through the corner of my eye when I-”

“You know that I’ll still be here even if you can’t see me, right?”

“Ah, yes. I forgot you’re a prime voyeur.”

“Trust me; this is about the last place in the world I’d like to be in.” The detective retorted, and for some reason his voice had an irritated edge to it.

“I guess we both have to compromise, then. As long as you stay invisible and keep yourself from talking inside my head until I’m done here, I’ll make sure not to kick your ass in Hell.” Light satirically extended a hand to him. “Deal?”

L simply stared him back, scorn invading his whole expression, before disappearing. Light could feel he was mad –uncharacteristically so. Yes, Light had seen him in a foul mood many times, while they lived chained to each other and they both had to listen to Matsuda speak.

But whatever got him so on edge about tonight, Light had no idea.

In fact, L’s mood grew worse and worse as the night progressed. He didn’t notice it at first; It became a constant buzz in the back of his head after Light looked Takada in the eyes and said ‘I missed you’, so he managed to ignore it quite well. However, by the time all mics and cameras were disconnected, he realized L was on the verge of bursting.

Lately, L’s thoughts had grown more tangible, together with his physical shape. So much so they sometimes became suffocating. When L would forfeit his form and settle back inside his head, Light often had a hard time differentiating their mixed feelings.

In life, L had always been incredibly skilled in the art of preserving a cool semblance. Even when he had been visibly annoyed or angry, the way he carried himself always sold the idea that the matter in hand was no more than just a mild inconvenience for him.

“Listen, Kiyomi. I am the real Kira.”

Light would’ve never expected to come face to face with that bubbling rage.

Takada gasped in surprise.

“That’s right. I’m Kira.” He repeated, mostly to confirm she had heard him right, but also to assure himself against L’s violent, thundering emotions. “That’s what I wanted to tell you.” Takada didn’t respond immediately, so Light took the chance to raise the phone to his ear and wrap up the conversation with Mikami. “Listen. I won’t allow you to ask Kiyomi who I am; you don’t need to know my identity.”

“Yes. I’ll leave the rest to you, God.”

Bastard.

Light shook. It had been a while since he had last heard L’s voice inside his head. Didn’t he explicitly tell him not to do that?! He’d make sure to devote the rest of his life to researching a way to kill a ghost again. He hung up the phone and turned around to address Kiyomi, as he stifled down his irritation.

“Do you understand? I am Kira. The man who was on the phone, is one of my followers who I’ve shared my power with.”

Takada’s eyes lit up.

“I… I can’t believe it’s you!” She whispered in awe. “You are the only man I’ve ever really admired. To be honest… the only man I’ve ever felt a connection with.” L growled. “And now, to find out you’re Kira… it’s incredible.”

As planned, Light had Takada curled around his finger in no time. He would’ve been able to fully enjoy the sweet taste of victory if it weren’t for L’s sour invasion. Oh, but he wasn’t about to let that bloody ghost spoil his mood. Was he pissed off now? Then he was about to become completely infuriated.

Light stepped closer and willfully lowered his voice to a deep whisper as he cupped Takada’s cheek in his hand.

“Please… join me, Kiyomi. And you will be the goddess of the New World.”

“Light…” She immediately pulled him into an embrace he didn’t fail to return.

He smirked over her shoulder –he had her right where he wanted her… and she was about to have him right where she wanted him too.

When Light leaned down to kiss her, L’s wrath pulsed through him.

Two and a half hours later, Light finished doing his tie, put his coat on and exited the room. Takada had already left –it was best for both that they weren’t seen leaving the hotel together.

Everything was working out smoothly. He now had a connection to Mikami through her, which would make everything easier from now on. The annihilation of the whole Task Force, together with the SPK and Near were visible in the horizon. In a matter of days, there would be no one left in his way. He’d be the only, unquestioned God of his own New World.

Confident with his secured victory, Light pulled the phone out.

“Light! Are you okay?” Matsuda exclaimed. Of course they were worried, after losing all connection with him for over two hours.

“Yeah… Kiyomi was able to work things out with Kira. I decided that from now on, I’m gonna pretend to be dating her.” L, who had fallen unusually quiet for a while now, suddenly shifted uncomfortably inside of him. He smirked. “We might be able to find Kira that way.”

“Alright, if you say so…” Matsuda answered, and for the musicality in his voice it was clear to everyone that a) he had serious doubts Light was just pretending and b) he knew Light simply hadn’t spent the last two hours with Takada playing Monopoly.

Right after that, a smack could be heard. Matsuda whined out loud as Aizawa scolded him. Light rolled his eyes and hung up.

So you actually went and did it.

He stopped on his tracks, overwhelmed by how the voice reverberated inside him. He growled in annoyance.

“I told you not to do that!”

As an answer to his protest, L materialized in front of him. All the ire he had felt bubbling inside him left. It shook him to realize that L had turned back to his old –living– habits. The expression in his face was barely a washed-down version of the consuming wrath Light now knew inhabited him.

“Still manipulating women and using sex to get what you want, uh?”

“You say it like that’s the worst thing I’ve done.”

“Oh, no. Of course it isn’t.” L shook his head. When he narrowed his eyes, the gaze he bore was venomous. “When are you gonna kill her, then?”

Light gulped, glaring at him. He wanted to be surprised that L brought that up, but he couldn’t; he knew how vicious he could get. The ghost smiled back at him, even though the gesture held no warmth, sympathy or bliss whatsoever. It was a dry smile, filled to the brim with a wish to hurt.

“That’s what you do, isn’t it? Attachment and intimacy are alright as long as you can get something from it. As soon as the other person becomes a hindrance you dispose of them.” L spat. “So? How long until you murder Takada too?”

“I hate you, you know.” Light hissed. “I hate how you always talk like you know everything about everyone. I hate how hypocritical you are, going around making moral statements about other people when you were just as bad or even worse. And I hate how you are convinced that everything has to be about you!”

The ghost took a step back, and Light seized the opportunity to push further. They had already pulled each other down on the mud; they might as well fight.

“Maybe I just like sleeping with Takada. But… oh? Does that irritate you?” One look at the detective’s face told him he had hit the nail’s head. “Does it drive you crazy, that it’s her and not you?”

“This is nonsense. Stop talking before you humiliate yourself.” L growled, earning himself a barking laugh from the other.

“Come on. I felt it. I felt how your blood boiled when she embraced me. Admit it.” The ghost stood there, and said nothing. Suddenly intoxicated with rage and something close to desperation, Light walked up to him and reached out to grab his arm. He grabbed nothing. “Admit you’re jealous.”

“How…” for the first time ever, the specter’s voice came out so terrifyingly low it sent chills down his spine. “… am I supposed to be jealous, when we both know you’re just using her? We both know she’ll soon be dead meat. She isn’t getting anything I haven’t gotten already.”

Light shivered, unable to talk through the knot in his throat.

 “You can’t fool me, Light. I see everything, remember? Goddess of the New World… How many times have you used that trick on Misa this month?”

“Shut up.” The words were no more than a tremulous whisper. It was mortifying.

“Then how about this very week?” L pressed, and even though Light couldn’t feel a breath meet his face, he still stepped back, looking hurt. When he replied, his words were calm with bitterness.

“So now we’re pretending you’re not the same?”

It happened often during the lapse of time Light had to cope with L cuffed to his wrist and without his memories of the Death Note. He’d constantly be shaken awake by nightmares that didn’t seem his own. Sometimes the startling would be soft enough to simply wake him up, and he could just roll over and go back to sleep without disturbing L. And sometimes, like that time, he’d physically jump on bed and find himself drenched in cold sweat.

He sat up and looked to his left –by his side, L slept soundly, curled into a ball with his knees to his chest, the half of his face that wasn’t buried in the pillow giving off an expression of peace.

Light sighed deeply as he wiped sweat off his face and neck. He wouldn’t mind being able to lock himself up in the toilet, but handcuffs. He directed his energy into staying still and steadying his breath instead.

“Another nightmare?”

Light blinked. So L wasn’t even half as asleep as he pretended to. He looked at him from below, his face still half-buried in his pillow. It was way too adorable –Light looked away.

“Yes.” The detective sat up too, the sheets sliding down his torso.

“What was it about?”

“I… stood on top of a very tall building.” He narrated, his gaze lost somewhere in the shadows that inhabited the room. “Below, at ground level, people were screaming. I wanted to look down to see what was happening to them, but I was too afraid. Then, from behind… a tall massive shadow hovered over me. It’s silhouette wasn’t that of a human. The thing laughed; that wasn’t human either. I tried to look over my shoulder, and was pushed off the building. I fell. The screaming grew closer…. and I woke up.”

For a long moment, there was nothing but silence.

“Is that all?” L inquired quietly. A crease took shape between Light’s brows, and he fixed his stare on his lap.

“I know what you’re thinking. I’m not stupid enough to not be able to deduce what you think my dream represents. But, Ryuzaki…” He formed fists with his fingers to keep them from fidgeting, and raised his eyes to L’s. “I can’t be… I don’t remember ever doing any of that. And I know. I know people can do the unspeakable when pushed to the limit, but I’d never kill on my own free will.”

“Light…” L hesitated, and then crawled across the bed to reach out and grab one of the towels from a nearby hanger. When he crawled back, he pressed it to Light’s face. “There is a chance Kira somehow possessed you during that period. In that case, you wouldn’t have been in control of your own actions.”

His tone was soft, but it wasn’t enough to conceal his real thoughts. Light smiled sadly as L wiped the sweat off his neck.

“But you don’t think I was possessed.” He spoke the truth nobody wanted to acknowledge. L stopped drying him. “You’re certain I was the original Kira. Even now, you must be wondering whether I’ve been bluffing ever since I was inside that cell. You’re probably thinking all this is just part of an act; some greater scheme on my behalf.”

The detective didn’t respond immediately. They looked at each other for several seconds; when he did, his words were grave with the amount of seriousness the statement deserved.

“I am.”

Light nodded. He didn’t really blame L for thinking that. He, too, was slowly getting more and more obsessed with the idea that he might have been, indeed, Kira. Yes, the justice system was flawed. But if he had had Kira’s power, would he had actually used it like Kira did?

“I understand.” He replied. “You’re just doing your job. And I want to help however I want. I want to reach the bottom of this, and cleanse my name. It’s just…” Light sighed and scratched his head. Saying it was much more awkward than he had anticipated. “I really wish it could have been different.”

“What?”

“My relationship with you.”

His heart was beating like crazy, but he had already begun talking. The rest gurgled out and he couldn’t restrain it.

“I wish I could’ve stood on equal ground with you when I met you; with me being a detective, not the prime suspect for the greatest mass murder of the decade. I wish I could’ve gotten to know you, without all the games and the lies. We could’ve held conversations that didn’t feel like interrogations. You’re very smart, and determined.” His face was burning up now, but he kept on talking. “Even though that shouldn’t be good, considering you suspect me… I admire that a lot.”

Their eyes locked, and Light’s stomach turned.

“I admire you.”

For a long while, L didn’t move or react at all; instead of widening eyes or abrupt exclamations, that was how the mighty detective processed shock. It was pretty embarrassing for Light, though. The blush crept to his ears and neck, and he was about to roll over and pretend none of that ever happened, when L cleared his throat. A soft, pink shade took over his pointy cheekbones.

“You admire me.” He reiterated, as if not completely believing it. Light would’ve found it funny had he not been focused in his racing pulse. He nodded… and L gulped. The detective raised a hand and brushed a strand of brunet hair away from his eyes. “Do you only admire me?”

“I…”

“How else do you feel about me?” His finger curled around Light’s ear. His voice was soft, but deep. “Tell me.”

“Not all is good.” He admitted, too distracted by the touch to watch his words. “Sometimes I hate you. So much I want to punch you-”

“Yes, you have done that.” That made him laugh.

“Yeah… it’s because I hate it when you prod me for a confession I can’t give you. And when you say things like ‘it’s pointless to keep on trying’, when my name is in as much of a stake as your title, and when you’ve already done too much to me to just dismiss it like that. I hate being reminded that you only see me as a potential murderer; that you were lying when you said we were friends… And I hate being unable to accept your kindness without thinking you’re playing with me, because I-”

Crap. That was close. He barely managed to bite his tongue before he spurted something dangerous. But L, being L, simply wouldn’t let him off the hook that easily. The detective scooted closer –their legs were touching, and they were breathing the same air. Light’s heart fluttered. L’s fingers on his cheek were cold compared to the flushed skin beneath.

“Because?” L whispered, and Light’s gaze fell on his lips, fascinated by their shape, the cadence with which they moved, their invisible, indescribable allure.

Don’t make me say it if you already know. That was what he would have liked to say, but he couldn’t speak. He barely had a moment to process what was happening and take a breath before L closed the distance between them and delicately sealed their lips together.

Light held his breath and sat, static, as his mind was filled with the subtle, tingling sensation of L’s mouth caressing his. That alone was enough to make his heart pound hard against his ribcage. It was a soft kiss; plush, barely more substantial than the brush of a finger. When the man pulled away –only one inch, just enough to end the contact–, their lips separated with a quiet pop.

Light’s whole body was tingling, and he had to forcefully stifle down the urge to tremble that was building steadily in the pit of his stomach. He breathed out, and in, and out; shallowly. He didn’t want to risk inhaling any more of L’s scent.

He should have backed off. Gone back to sleep and pretended that never happened. It would have been wiser. Instead, he remained still and did not oppose L’s movements when the detective cupped his nape and angled his face into another kiss.

It was a deeper one this time, given how their mouths were briefly open. Moisture quickly built up over his upper lip as he felt L’s lower lip seductively pressing against his teeth. Light closed his eyes and opened his mouth. Swiftly, without letting the chance slip by, the man expertly locked their jaws together and entered Light’s warm mouth with his tongue.

A soft gasp that escaped him and coated L’s lips, and then transformed into a barely audible whine. It was inevitable. He couldn’t fight the trembling anymore. He felt feverish all over. Touch-starved and about to burst. His tongue tingled when L’s caressed it, and it filled him with desire and a deep-rooted desperation. He changed his angle to reciprocate the man’s movements, their lips now moving in unison as they sank deeper into each other.

Nobody had ever… not like this. Misa’s kisses weren’t necessarily bad, but they were always messy and indelicate-

L’s free hand began travelling up his thigh, and the spasm that triggered on the muscles of his leg was so powerful Light jolted backwards, and the trance was broken. Out of breath, he searched the detective’s face, and looked away when he realized he could only focus on the blush in his cheeks, the intensity of his gaze and the moist spot on his lower lip.

“Ryuzaki-”

“What’s wrong, Light?”

He bit his lip. L’s voice was still deep, but it was gradually acquiring a sharp edge. Now more than ever, he knew he shouldn’t have allowed that to happen. He blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

“What about Misa? Even if she never finds out…”

He shyly searched the man’s face again. L held still for a moment, as he considered his words. Slowly, he seemed to assimilate them. He nodded, and cupped Light’s face again.

“Then… you can hold me accountable for it.” L whispered, and dived back in. That time their mouths locked together even more naturally, and although Light’s whole body was brimming with the urge to give in to the kiss, he still couldn’t brush off the feeling that it was wrong.

Disrespecting Misa, playing with her feelings for him… he wasn’t like that. And the fact that he had to instruct himself to feel guilty about it only brought him self-disgust. He turned his face to the side, and L’s lips slid away from his. The detective didn’t waste over a mere second to understand that this –whatever it was– would not drag any longer.

“Could it be that you were pretending to be interested in me?” He inquired.

Light flinched. His words stung more than he could’ve predicted.

“Do you think I’d do that? You know what, don’t answer. Either way, this… it’s not fair on Misa. I told you I would never use a woman’s feelings to my advantage, so don’t make me betray myself-”

“You don’t love her.” Light gulped. “You don’t even know why you are with her, do you.” L’s gaze grew harder as he went from appreciating Light to analyzing him; a shift Light himself was all too familiar with. “You forgot… together with everything else-”

“That’s enough.” He cut him, his voice coming out firmer than he had expected, and brushed L’s hands off his face. “I’m not about to believe I am a murderer. And Misa isn’t either. I’m not what you think I am, Ryuzaki.”

That being said, Light rolled over and pulled the covers over himself, signaling the end of the conversation. What they just did… it was better off forgotten. As things were now, stubbornly trying to follow that path would only bring pain, regardless of Light turning out to be Kira or not, and regardless of his feelings for Misa and the man. Which didn’t necessarily mean that Light wasn’t already aching over it, but he’d never admit to it.

After a good five minutes of complete stillness, L finally tucked himself in bed, he too giving his back to Light, and before drifting to sleep he murmured:

“If it’s worth something, I really hope you weren’t.”

Yes. The memory of that night’s events, no matter how long gone, was very fresh in their minds. Though, just like the nightmares had been back then, the Light from the present didn’t quite feel that it belonged to him.

When he lost the Death Note… it was crazy. He became a completely different person. It wasn’t just about not remembering being Kira; it reached the point where thinking of what Kira had done revolted him to the core. Then he began questioning himself, doubting his own innocence, and came to realize he could understand his actions to some extent. He used to think the world was rotten before Kira entered the picture, and he still did during the Yotsuba period.

However, the retrieval of the Death Note carved a crack in his moral system he didn’t remember ever sealing. He went back to his old ways, used Misa just like the dangerously volatile tool he had always seen her as. He used everyone, including Rem, a God. Thinking back, it made sense L was suspicious of his most tender side; the Light he was now would have definitely tried to seduce L if he had seen some utility in it.

Kira would have never fallen for the detective.

Even so… what he had felt back then had been real. He did fall for him. And he was given a chance to shatter that burden when he got his memories back –his priority went back to being himself, and L was simply an obstacle–, but this was the first time he let himself think about what could have been, and he found out his feelings weren’t shattered at all.

It still ached.

“Didn’t you do that just to test me?” Light said, accusingly. “You thought I was acting it out, didn’t you. You had to see for yourself how far I’d take it.”

L didn’t kiss him because he felt something for him; he did it to see if he would recoil. In fact, the way he rejected the man in the end was probably interpreted as a positive result.

The ghost didn’t need to answer –Light could see the admission in his face.

“I pretty much confessed to you.” He looked away. That was in the past now. It should have been. L was dead. Then why did he still feel so bitter about it? “And you didn’t even care. You were too busy studying me like a bloody scientist.”

“Can you blame me?” He couldn’t. “Besides, that is not entirely true.”

Confused and untrusting, Light locked eyes with the ghost. L sighed.

“I do admit I didn’t believe it at first –it was too convenient. But I never gave you any hints I was romantically interested in you, and I couldn’t have imagined you were. Therefore, I didn’t understand why you resorted to that method if you just wanted to manipulate me. I began to wonder if it had been for real; but before I could question you further on the subject it was too late. We captured Higuchi, and it didn’t take me long to notice that you… changed.”

Light’s stare landed on his feet. He believed L; he was dead and didn’t need to lie. What if the detective had said something before they cornered Higuchi? It was pointless to dwell on it, since Light was certain he would have killed him in the end. The world needed L to die so Kira could reign. In retrospect, it was a good thing he didn’t, since he allowed Light to move forward with his heart unscathed.

Or so he thought, before all the pain he wasn’t even aware existed inside him through the years came back to bite at him. He hated it. Despising L was easier than this.

“Why are you telling me this?” He bit back, arms crossed as he returned L’s gaze, his ache now obvious in his features. “If I had broken into tears back then and told you I still felt the same way for you, would you have let me go? Would you have risked trusting me? No, you wouldn’t have given me a chance-”

“I did give you a chance. That’s how I know Takada is as good as dead now.”

Light’s eyes widened. He couldn’t mean…

“That time…”

It had been the night after Higuchi’s capture. He had his memories back, and L had, according to the Task Force’s wishes, begrudgingly agreed to dispose of the handcuffs that had bound them together for months. Light was allowed to spend the night in his own room, alone, for the first time in what seemed ages. However, he couldn’t sleep.

It must have been because the excitement at seeing his plan work out perfectly had been too great. Or maybe he had grown used to having someone else lie next to him. His bed seemed huge to the eye and cold to the touch, even though it was the same size as the previous one and both rooms’ thermostats shared the same settings.

He was pacing around aimlessly when he heard a knock on the door. It was L. But Light didn’t get to talk to him, for the man immediately raised his dark eyes to Light’s and determinedly jumped him, pulling him into a ravenous kiss. And before nobody could get in the way, the door was slammed shut and they were in bed.

This could work for my advantage, Light had thought as he gave in without a care for the world. He had wanted it for so long, anyway. In the end, it had been a good way to release pent-up frustrations and unnecessary feelings, and no sweet words or pathetic confessions were exchanged.

“I woke up, alone.” He recalled. “You had gone out to the roof, even though it was pouring. That’s where I found you.”

Right now, Ghost L looked just as sad and decidedly hopeless as he had looked back then. Light could even imagine the rain dripping down his face and dampening him whole in between one blink and the next. Later, at the staircase, L had smiled sadly and said ‘It will be lonely, won’t it? You and I will be parting ways soon’.

He couldn’t have predicted that wouldn’t really ever happen. Still…

“Back then… you already knew you’d die, didn’t you?”

“Yes.” L nodded solemnly.

“But why? I… I gave you my consent. We-”

“Exactly. I knew you disposed of people as soon as you stopped finding them a use. By letting me have you the night before, you were clearly trying to manipulate me. If you had been the same Light I’d been handcuffed to for months –if you had felt strongly enough not to kill me– you would have rejected me. But you didn’t resist or hesitate. Not even when I-”

“Enough.” He breathed. He felt like he was choking. So that was why L had called him a liar back at the roof. The detective had seen right through him… the whole time. But… he was missing a vital piece. A thunder resonated in the distance.

“I invited you to use me. And you did.” L concluded, a small smile forming in his lips without reaching his eyes. The first few droplets began falling.

He had to say it. If he didn’t say it now, he never would.

“Yes, I admit it.” Light lowered his head. The rain grew stronger above him. “I wanted to manipulate you, just as much as you wanted to call me out for it.” Then he raised his chin to look straight into the ghost’s eyes, water rolling down his face as he spoke up. His voice came out broken. “But that’s not all it was, and you know it.”

L’s specter froze, his eyes slowly gaining focus. Light, on the other side, let out a long exhalation. The aching deep in the pit of his stomach didn’t really yield, but shifted. A weight had been lifted; one he couldn’t claim back even if he wanted to.

“Are you saying you truly wanted me?” L breathed out, as if worried that raising his voice would disturb the atmosphere. However, he looked more aghast than hopeful.

“No.” He shook his head, his expression softer. “I’m saying we wanted each other.”

There was silence, and rain. L stood there, petrified as the falling drops trespassed him without disturbing his clothing or his black messy hair. And with every second that he spent with his wide, desperate eyes glued on him, Light’s heart beat faster. Harder.

He had to wait until the man was already dead, but he finally did it.

He finally confessed.

“Won’t you… say something?” He whispered.

L opened his mouth… then closed it. Then opened it again.

“I…” The ghost looked away, and Light realized then how utterly devastated he was. His voice quavered. “I can’t.”

And then he disappeared.

…

Wait.

Why… why couldn’t Light feel him… he was always able to feel him when he vanished, then why?

No.

No… No.

“L…” Nobody answered. “L!!!!!” It was useless.

L wasn’t there. All there was, was silence and rain.

Events continued to develop without further disturbance. He met up with Takada several times –with the Task Force listening, so he didn’t try anything–, and passed his instructions to Mikami. The SPK found out about Mikami and tried to tamper with his Note, so a fake Note was crafted. Everything was going according to plan.

Even Mello’s decision to kidnap Takada, though unexpected, worked out perfectly for him, as he managed to dispatch both of them easily. He had been waiting to see Mello dead since the explosion. As for Takada, he was relieved to take that weight off his back. And he would have actually been able to be a hundred percent remorseless about it had he not remembered his conversation with a certain deceased someone.

As for L… he didn’t return. No matter what Light did or how awful he became, L didn’t manifest, talk inside his head, or give any other signal whatsoever of still existing. And Light had expected it to hurt… maybe he wanted to feel hurt. But he was too empty to feel nothing other than rage, and greed. All that occupied his mind was Near, and their encounter at the warehouse. He was too busy with conquering the world to feel lonely.

Still, some nights he’d surprise himself yelling at the top of his lungs at a soul that no longer tailed him. He’d yell stuff like ‘Aren’t you going to show yourself?!’. There never was an answer.

Then the day came. Mikami did his job perfectly, so much so Light physically struggled to avoid bursting into laughter ahead of time. And right when he was feeling giddy with victory, desperate to rub his success in Near’s juvenile face as the boy’s heart failed… everything was gone. It slipped from between his fingers as easily as the seconds ticked away in his watch.

He didn’t go down without a fight. First, he desperately attempted to accuse the SPK of framing him, and when that didn’t work, he used the truth. The mask he had carefully crafted crumpled. In a feverish, delusional moment of revelation that lacked little to reach hysteria, he gave the greatest speech of his whole life; he shared with them the legacy he had tried to leave behind, hoping they would understand. Even so, Near still called him a crazy serial killer, nothing more, and nothing less.

He had his watch with a piece of the Note inside, but he could have never calculated that Matsuda would shoot him; repeatedly. When he fell to a puddle on the floor and Matsuda stood over him, tears streaking down his betrayed face as he glared and aimed his gun at his head… Light realized how badly he had screwed up.

He could have died. That man could have killed him in a mere instant. Even through the multiple layers of tortuous pain his fresh bullet wounds were inflicting on him, he only had the mental capacity to process that gut-deep, swiping fear.

He called for Mikami… but the man was of no use. So he simply lay there in his puddle as it changed its color from transparent to red. He gasped for air, and cried out.

“Where are you, Misa?!” He had used her, and left her at home, deprived of her memories. “Where’s Takada?!” He had killed her. His actions finally settled fully on him, and tears swelled at the corners of his eyes.

Someone… w-what do I do n-now…

…

L…

Mikami stabbed himself, and Light wasn’t about to grow out of old habits. He used his follower one last time, to crawl to his feet and escape while everybody else focused on the bloodshed.

He ran. As fast as he could, with his body bent over in pain and his injured arm hanging like dead weight by his side. Every step was excruciating to take, and every gasping breath was more difficult to inhale than the one that preceded it, but he didn’t stop. He knew his legs would give in soon. The blood loss was taking an exponential toll on his body. He kept on running, even though it was futile.

Every decision he had made up to that point, only now he could see how they had stuck to him like parasites. He had been rotting away ever since he picked the Note. Ryuk… had been right. In Kira’s crimeless world… the only rotten apple left was him.

However, if he had been given the chance to go back to being that seventeen-year-old, naïve boy he once was, he wouldn’t have taken it.

His running slowed down to walking; he had lost Aizawa and the rest long ago. By the time he reached the abandoned building, he could hardly stay on his feet. He sprawled himself on the stairs… and then he felt it.

It coated over him. It felt like coming back home after what seemed forever.

Hello, Light.

Tears overflowed his eyes. He could have never imagined that his voice would bring him such intense joy.

“L…” he whimpered. “Y-You’re back-”

The specter materialized before him… weird. He looked more corporeal than he ever had before. Or was it just that Light had forgotten how he had looked after so long? There was some sort of ethereal blue aura around him, though, which hadn’t been there before. And he was smiling… fondly.

“You don’t look too well.”

Light laughed, which made him cough and wince in pain.

“Missed you too?” He retorted sarcastically, and it lacked most of its usual bite. Everything, even just raising his head to look L in the eyes, felt awful, but he did it all the same. “I thought… you were gone for good.”

“And give you the pleasure?” The detective grinned, his eyes gleaming. “Never.”

“Good.” He replied, relaxing and smiling at last.

It was at that moment that his heart hammered through his chest… once. Burning pain irradiated in all directions from there. He felt the tingle taking over every inch of his body as his vision blurred and his focus faded.

“W-What…” The pain, suddenly, stopped. All at once. He jerked to his feet, utterly confused, only to realize he didn’t feel the pressure of a floor beneath his feet anymore. L was staring at him wide-eyed. Whatever he saw had him flabbergasted. Light looked over his shoulder… at his own limp body, lying on the stairs and with no soul in its eyes. And he understood. “Ryuk…”

He shook at the incorporeal sound of his own voice.

“That makes two of us, I guess.” L mused, walking over to face him. “Welcome to the realm of the dead, Light.”

“I’m…” He stood still, having a hard time processing it. Then, slowly… a sparkling sensation in his stomach bubbled up, and he giggled. The smile he gave to L was radiant, as he reached out to him.

And as if things couldn’t get any more amazing, when his inexistent fingers landed on the man’s chest… there was resistance to oppose them. Solid, and warm.

“L!” He beamed, patting the other repeatedly. “I can touch you… I’m touching you!”

“Yes. Yes you are.” L confirmed, laughing too. He was bedazzled. “I feel you…”

The moment after, they were wrapped in each other’s arms, laughing. It shouldn’t have felt this real, but it did. Light could even perceive a hint of L’s scent when he dug his face into raven hair.

“You’re here…” He squeezed harder. “What happened? Why did you disappear? Where did you go?”

“I was always here. I was just in such conflict with myself I couldn’t reach out to you.” The man murmured against his shoulder. “I get it now… this was my mission all along. I was supposed to be here, to welcome you when you passed away. Everything makes sense now…”

Light pulled away. He needed to look L in the eyes.

“So, a moment ago…” He hesitated for a moment that didn’t last too long. “When you spoke to me. Was I able to hear you because I was agonizing, or-”

“I don’t think that’s the reason.” L shook his head, and smiled. “I finally found an answer to my conflict. To my feelings for you.”

Light blinked, finally understanding. He didn’t think he’d be able to feel butterflies in his stomach given how he no longer had internal organs, but he did.

“What I said that time…”

“You wrecked me.” L joked, and cupped Light’s face in his hands. When their eyes locked, his were full of devotion. “But you were right. I shouldn’t have, you were a mass murderer not to mention my nemesis, but I did want you. More than you can imagine.”

Light reached up, to fondly caress L’s knuckles.

“L, I loved you.” He swallowed, and leaned into the warm touch. “I… still do. Even after everything.”

“Me too.” The man whispered back, and for the first time, Light heard him go weak.“Even after everything.”

He grabbed him by the collar and locked their lips together. He melted into the kiss, trembling feverishly. He had missed this sensation so much he could barely stand it. The plush, wet and enticing brush of their lips soon grew hungrier, starving, even though they were both smiling into it. And it felt, both literally and metaphorically, more real than any other touch they had ever shared, dead or alive.

Then, they slowly began crumbling away. The kiss was broken as they both stared down. It began at their feet –they were dissolving into iridescent specs of dust that caught the light, and then into nothing. Gradually, it crawled up their shins, reaching their knees, and thighs.

But it wasn’t painful, or scary. Neither of them was scared. It was very peaceful. But just in case he didn’t get another chance, Light pressed every part of him that remained to L’s shape.

“L…” He breathed against the man’s mouth. “Are… are you even real? Or have you just been a product of my imagination all this time?”

L looked puzzled for a moment, but then he simply smiled.

“Does it even matter at this point?”

Light looked him in the eyes, as their torsos began to fade, and felt it deep within himself. He took L’s face in his hands, even though the tips of his fingers were disappearing too.

“No.” He concluded, and leaned in for one last loving kiss which L reciprocated.

And after that, nothing.

[uncertainlogic-a]

Hi i love your blog! I would love to know your thoughts on Sarek's experience of Vulcans (disapproval of? Dislike for?) Humans/human cultures (if you want to share about it)

[NOTE: Please do not reblog this, especially personal blogs! I know I have a few who follow me who might not be familiar with RP etiquette, but reblogging posts from RP blogs can clog up our notifications and make it difficult for us to keep track of our threads.]

Thank you!

This particular topic is a big deal to me!

I think one of the things that makes it difficult to figure out what he thinks on these topics is that his canon is spread out over so many series and films, so I'm going to cover as much of it as I can here. Another thing that makes it difficult is that he just... doesn't always say what he means, and those around him seem to misinterpret him at times, so I'll try to cover that too. Which means I'm going to do SO MUCH RAMBLING before I actually directly answer your question. Whoops. 

[A message from me in the future: This ended up being about 2,000 words, and I’m so sorry.]

In his first appearance, Journey to Babel, he doesn't say much about Spock being bullied himself, although it does come up in the intense confrontation between Spock and Amanda.

SPOCK: Mother, how can you have lived on Vulcan so long, married a Vulcan, raised a son on Vulcan, without understanding what it means to be a Vulcan?

AMANDA: If this is what it means, I don't want to know.

SPOCK: It means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life, which is logical and beneficial. We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be.

AMANDA: Nothing is as important as your father's life.

SPOCK: Can you imagine what my father would say if I were to agree, if I were to give up command of this vessel, jeopardize hundreds of lives, risk interplanetary war, all for the life of one person?

AMANDA: When you were five years old and came home stiff-lipped, anguished, because the other boys tormented you saying that you weren't really Vulcan. I watched you, knowing that inside that the human part of you was crying and I cried, too. There must be some part of me in you, some part that I still can reach. If being Vulcan is more important to you, then you'll stand there speaking rules and regulations from Starfleet and Vulcan philosophy, and let your father die. And I'll hate you for the rest of my life.

This is very closely connected to a conversation in the TAS episode Yesteryear, in which we see a conversation between Sarek and Spock when Spock was seven years old. This takes place shortly after Spock was bullied by other children because his father "brought shame to Vulcan" when he married a Human.

SAREK: Spock, being Vulcan means following disciplines and philosophies that are difficult and demanding of both mind and body.

YOUNG SPOCK: Yes, father.

SAREK: You constantly display your emotions. You have even been seen fighting in the street.

YOUNG SPOCK: Yes, father.

SAREK: The time draws near when you will have to decide whether you will follow Vulcan or human philosophy. Vulcan offers much. No war, no crime. Order, logic and control in place of raw emotions and instinct. Once on the path you choose, you cannot turn back.

[...]

SAREK: Soon you will undergo your test of adulthood in the desert. To survive for ten days without food, water or weapon on Vulcan's Forge will demand more of you than anything ever has. To fail once is not a disgrace for others. If you fail, there will be those who will call you a coward all your life. I do not expect you to fail.

YOUNG SPOCK: What if I do, father?

SAREK: There is no need to ask that question. You will not disappoint me. Not if your heart and spirit are Vulcan.

We can see a few things here. First of all, Sarek doesn't seem to be forcing Spock to be fully Vulcan, but telling him that if he chooses a Vulcan philosophy, it will be difficult and demanding. I think it's important to remember that Vulcans have extremely powerful emotions which Humans have difficulty controlling. In the TNG episode Sarek, when Picard has to take on Sarek's emotions, Picard is just sobbing in total despair. When Sarek was in an emotional state, his telepathy also caused everyone on the Enterprise to have fistfights in Ten Forward (since Vulcans aren't actually just touch telepaths but let's have that conversation another time). Sarek can't know how Spock, a half-Human, will be able to deal with Vulcan emotions or if he'll be able to function around other people if he doesn't learn to suppress those emotions. Yet he does still give him that choice!

Now, that second part of the conversation does get a little harsh, and I don't think it's a Great Parenting Moment on Sarek's part. He is putting too much pressure on Spock, and Spock nearly dies because of it. However, I think where he's coming from is Spock faces constant discrimination for being half-Human, so any mistake he makes will be blamed on his Human blood instead of just... an entirely understandable childhood mistake. 

I also think that his words are simply unclear here. When he says "I do not expect you to fail" and "you will not disappoint me", Spock takes that to mean that his father will be ashamed of him if he doesn't succeed. I think Sarek's actual intention was to affirm that he has confidence in his son. Notice, he says "there will be those who will call you a coward" making it very clear that this doesn't mean Spock will actually BE a coward or that Sarek himself will think of him this way. The problem is, of course, that Spock is very young and these little nuances of speech aren't things you want to leave up in the air.

Going back to Journey to Babel, when Sarek is not speaking directly to his son, he is much more expressive about how he feels when he believes Spock is being belittled:

SAREK: You embarrassed Spock this evening. Not even a mother may do that. He is a Vulcan.

AMANDA: He's also human.

SAREK: He's a Starfleet officer.

AMANDA: I thought you didn't approve of Starfleet.

SAREK: It is not a question of approval. The fact exists. He is in Starfleet. He must command respect if he is to function.

AMANDA: Sarek, you're proud of him, aren't you? You're showing almost human pride in your son.

SAREK: It does not require pride to ask that Spock be given the respect which is his due. Not as my son, but as Spock.

I don't really know how, as an entire ass fandom we pretend this conversation didn't happen, but. This is pretty straight forward. Although he's NOT talking about how he was mistreated by other Vulcans here, it's a glimpse into how he must have reacted to Spock being bullied as a child as well. And that last bit is important, I think. Spock received a lot of bullying specifically because Sarek married a Human woman, and it's possible he would take that personally. However, it's clear here that he wants Spock to have respect for the sake of SPOCK, not because it reflects on his own reputation. That is such a big part of his characterization to me that I think gets lost...

Now, I'm going to jump over to Discovery, because there's a lot of great stuff in there. Unfortunately, I don't have as much access to transcripts and stuff, so I'll do my best.

The first thing I have to address is the argument between Sarek and Amanda in Light and Shadows, because a lot of what Amanda says gets taken at face value, and I don't think it should be. 

AMANDA: You never truly respected Humanity.

SAREK: If that were true, I would've married a Vulcan.

AMANDA: Would you have left Vulcan for me? No, you wouldn't. I sacrificed everything for our family.

I think it's really, really important to look at the context of this conversation. Spock is mentally unstable, something that Amanda says was one of her greatest fears. I think it's clear that it was also one of Sarek's greatest fears. Amanda believes that Sarek blames his weaknesses (including his dyslexia, which he inherited from her) on his Humanity, and I can see how his answer seems weak. Like, oh I married you, so I must like Humans. But I don't think that's what he's saying. I think he's saying that he married her knowing they would have a half-Human child, and if he believed Humanity would make his child weak, he wouldn't have had such a child. I think Amanda also knows that somewhere, because she changes the topic so quickly, do you see her? It goes directly from "you don't respect Humanity" to "would you have left Vulcan for me." This is great dialogue, because it's like a real argument. It's not necessarily a fair criticism; it's one you make when you're feeling vulnerable and scared.

She doesn't even wait for him to answer. Would he have said no here? It's hard to tell. Looking back at Yesteryear, it would seem perhaps he would have raised Spock on Earth if Spock would've chosen a more Human philosophy for his life. I think it would've been extremely difficult for him to leave Vulcan... Look at the room they're in. Those are the death masks of his family. This is where their katra stones are. Leaving behind Vulcan for him is more than just a simple move, it's leaving a piece of himself behind. And perhaps it is the same for Amanda, but it's hard to know. I don't think she really would have preferred to stay on Earth, if she weren't so upset in the moment, given other things she says, but I'm sure this is something in the back of her mind. Does he love her as much as she loves him? Would he make sacrifices for her? It's natural to have those questions even in a strong relationship.

ANYWAY, all of this is to say that I don't think this conversation shows that Sarek thinks Vulcan is a better place for their family or that he looks down on Humanity at all. I think it's an argument between a married couple in a very stressful situation. Like... his voice shakes in this argument because he's so worried about his children. It's a lot for both of them.

Another line that WEIRDLY gets taken at face value is from the episode Lethe.

VULCAN DIRECTOR: Upon completion, [Spock] will apply to the expeditionary group and then there will be not one but two non-Vulcans in its ranks.

SAREK: Spock is...

VULCAN DIRECTOR: Half Vulcan. Another of your experiments. The integration of Humans into our culture is an admirable goal, but it must be titrated. In honor of your position and reputation, I will accept one of your not-quite Vulcans.

SAREK: You... ask me to make an impossible choice.

VULCAN DIRECTOR: Your reaction to this is quite illogical and suggests a conclusion based on emotion.

I don't know why people think that this asshole Vulcan director's line about Spock and Michael being Sarek's experiments to integrate Humans into Vulcan culture is just the whole gospel truth, but here we are. And I wish I could make gifs on my broke ass computer so I could show the extent of Sarek's reaction to what the director said, because he is so OPENLY emotional in that moment (as the director then points out) that he must be feeling quite a lot for it to actually make it to the surface. Sarek is regularly referred to as having an incredibly disciplined mind across all the Star Trek series. The two times he falters and shows emotion in Discovery are when Amanda is questioning his devotion to Spock and when the Vulcan director forces him to choose between his children.

Some may take the fact he chose Spock as favoring the more Vulcan of his two children, but I don't think that's true at all. I don't think he considers Michael less important because she's Human; I think he thought she had a better chance to succeed off of Vulcan than Spock had. Like he said, it was an impossible choice, but he made what he thought was the best one given the circumstances.

I have so much more to say about Lethe, but this response is already getting toward 2,000 words, so I'll move on to the episode Brother.

MICHAEL: When I first came to you, I know that you considered every possible effect a Vulcan education, a Vulcan life might have on a Human child. What did you want Spock to learn from me?

SAREK: Empathy. Something he would need to understand to successfully interact with Humans.

Again, this entire conversation is HONESTLY GREAT, and I could also go on about it. BUT. For the purposes of this post, I think it's really important to note that Sarek didn't ignore Spock's Human side, and in fact nurtured it when he brought Michael into the house.

Some might take this to mean the "experiment" line was true, but that's not what's going on here. Sarek didn't seek out a Human child to bring in and teach Spock empathy. He took in Michael, and then considered how this change in his family dynamic would affect everyone. This isn't manipulative, it's an attempt to create the best possible situation.

Furthermore, it's pretty telling that both Sarek and MIchael take it for granted that Spock couldn't learn empathy from Sarek. I expect this is because Sarek suppresses his emotions, but let's think about what this conversation is about. Sarek... tried to understand how bringing Michael into his home and raising her on Vulcan would affect her and how she would affect Spock. And neither of them recognize this as empathy. Sure, it's a methodical and logical kind of empathy, but it has the same purpose and result as a natural empathy.

And I need to tie this all together before it becomes even more ridiculously long than it already is.

Sarek respects and cares for Humans as equals. He didn't marry Amanda because she's Human, he married her because he loves her. This has been supported by all versions of Sarek, even including AOS where he's barely developed. The fact that he married Amanda for love is a key aspect of his character. So, he fell in love with a Human woman, had a half-Human child, and adopted a Human child. 

He also loves Vulcan and is clearly closely tied to Vulcan society and culture. To him, these things are not in conflict with his love for his Human family. The conflict is created by this bigotry in his own culture, and he (rightfully) considers bigotry illogical. Because he believes in logic and Vulcan philosophy in general, he believes that there is a logical way to combat bigotry by showing that his children are just as capable of success as any Vulcan.

The memory that he fights Michael tooth and nail to hide isn't just about him "choosing Spock." It's about the fact he was WRONG. He was wrong about his children being accepted and he was wrong about logic winning out over bigotry. He could not shield them from society no matter how perfect they were. When we see him in Discovery, he's still in the process of coming to terms with the fact there is still discrimination on Vulcan, and that he can't solve it. 

I don't think it's a mistake that the memory that is playing over and over in his head when Michael reaches out to him in Lethe is the day she was rejected from the VSA Expedition. This came right after one of the "logic extremists" tried to kill him after saying "Your fascination with Humans can no longer be tolerated. Your obsession has blinded you to the truth--Humans are inferior. My sacrifice will be a rallying cry to those who value logic above all."

He is tormented by that memory of Michael's rejection because it was the first indication that he was wrong about his people and about the idea that logic can solve hatred.

SO YEAH, I think that pretty much sums up how I think Sarek views the way Vulcans are toward Humans. You can always rely on me to keep things short and to the point, of course.

[goblin-gardens]

@grimark replied to your post “although she is the only one who is currently a literal goblin, i think there’s actually a strong argument to be made about each member of the M9 being actually more Goblin than Nott is”

if you get the time/inclination i would Love to hear about the goblin energy of the rest of the m9

anything for u grim. and anything to tempt you further into the world of Critical Role. i see you liking my “Caduceus Clay is a twink” posts and the good good fjanart i reblog. i see you.

come. stay a while and listen! read my very long and very scientific essay! i will not be disclosing how long this took me, but there are almost 2500 words under the cut.

okay okay okay so the first thing we need to do in this very serious and scientific endeavor is separate Sam Reigel’s MASSIVE Goblin Energy from his character. that man’s Goblid Quotient is OFF THE CHARTS.

when we look at Just Nott (and Veth, which would be a whole nother section but we don’t actually know anything about her??) does she express clear Goblin Traits at a higher rate than the rest of her party? they are generally a pretty gobliny bunch, or they wouldn’t be killing strangers to take their gold, but do they have true Goblin Traits?

Some key elements of Goblinry: 1) Collection Of Crap 2) Chaos 3) Minionhood 4) Gooey Center 5) Laser Pointer Focus 6) Furious Devotion and 7) Hideous Cackling. what’s that? these seven qualities match up with the seven other members of the Mighty Nein, past and present? what a coincidence!!

1) Collection Of Crap, epitomized by: Caleb Widogast. a fairly self explanatory goblin trait. okay so yes, this is a trait Nott has in spades, and is specifically and canonically an aspect of her goblinhood. Caleb, however has chosen to Collect Crap to be a wizard, filling his pockets with spell components including, but by no means limited to, sulfur, molasses, honeycomb, bits of copper wire, and literal bat shit. it’s all just. in his pockets. being slimy. he has also been Collecting the Crap of trauma in his brain for many years, and no fantasy therapist has been around to help him KonMari some of it into healthier boxes. he has also Collected a whole new family to care about, and in many ways, he views that as kinda shitty. (runners up: Jester, with the animals and haversack of holding, Beau, with her constant wanting to know shit, Fjord, with his balls)

2) Chaos, epitomized by: Jester Lavorre. another Goblin trait Nott shares, but Nott hasn’t built a religion out of chaos. she’s not a high priestess of drawing dicks on things. her magic powers don’t some from a divine mandate to fuck shit up. honestly, i feel unconvinced by the assertion that Nott has a Chaotic alignment, while Jester’s CG status is unassailable. pets also up the chaos meter, though this Collection can be attributed to Laura Bailey and this has been taken into consideration. Jester’s childhood in the Lavish Chateau was sort of like a pandora’s jack in the box getting wound tighter and tighter and tighter past all physical comprehension, and though the lid has been lifted, the spring is only just starting to sproing. we haven’t even reached the Zenith yet! (runners up: Molly, with the egg dick incident, and Fjord, with his need to always....... touch..... things......)

3) Minionhood, epitomized by: Fjord “No-Name” Swordvjore. in CR, goblins will work together to target weaker and easy opponents, but aren’t prone to individual heroism and rarely, if ever, go out of their way to save a friend. in their villages, little value is placed on familial relationships or education, they’re not big team players, and everyone has a terrible sense of humor. what do they have in common with Fjord? NOT A WHOLE FUCKING LOT, ACTUALLY. Fjord shows the other side of the coin, like how tactics that don’t rely on using yourself as canon fodder are more successful, or like how the power of friendship and diverse skill sets makes your team stronger. though he is currently examining the negative aspects of his own Minonhood, Fjord has spent much of his life content to be a minion. on a merchant ship, climbing ropes and battening hatches as he was instructed, and now a minion of a mysterious and powerful creature. however, he’s realized this arrangement no longer suits him, and he is looking for other options (like being a paladin??) (runner up: Caduceus Clay, committed WildMinion)

4) Gooey Center, epitomized by: Yasha Nydoorin. the Gooey Center is protected by a spiky, brittle, intimidating, crunchy, and/or off putting exterior.  Yasha is our big, scary, tenderhearted wlw. our giant soft-hearted, angelic, full-of-boiling-murderous-rage, lightning-punching, funeral-not-having runaway who loves her wife and makes us cry. she shaves her arms with her sword. she uses books in non-traditional ways. she vanishes into the night sometimes in a very mysterious and tragic manner. she is our most Romantic player character, and she is super ripped and super queer, which are all aspirational goblin qualities. in practice, most goblins connect with their gooey center by being squished by someone like Yasha, maybe with a giant hammer. (runners up: Caleb, known glass canon with a very crunchy exterior, Beau, puncher of feelings, and Molly, who rudely showed us just how how close that center can be to the surface)

5) Laser Pointer Focus, epitomized by: Caduceus Clay. related to Minionhood, this is the aspect of Goblinry that the leader uses to achieve goals. the dogged focus of a True Goblin is powerful and direct, but can be redirected with the proper pressure or leadership, or lost when a cause or leader is not compelling enough or doesn’t provide adequate payment. the Laser Pointer Focus has an investigatory aspect as well, gathering little bits of info from every which way in moments, though the information gathered is rarely put to use immediately. Caduceus, who sees all but doesn’t always act on it, and is content to support the Nein and follow their meandering path to his goal, checks many of these boxes. (runners up: Fjord, spiritually chasing a laser pointer at all times, Jester, whose laser pointer always points at chaos, and Caleb, a cat)

6) Furious Devotion, epitomized by Beauregard Lionett. also going hand in hand with Minionhood, this is the trait that makes goblins actually willing to die in battle against adventurers and town guards and shit. but it doesn’t require any comfort with or willingness to follow authority, it’s the more feral side of love that is reigned in by Minionhood in true Goblins. this is the part of the Goblin that drive the Collecting of Crap because it genuinely loves all the shit it finds. Beau is a prime example of this trait, especially because as she gets more and more invested in a person or ideal, her willingness to let go, even in the face of likely death, decreases dramatically. see episode 55 for reference, among others. she also has a rather Goblinish inability to effectively communicate the depths of her feelings, though this is sort of an aspect of her defense of her Gooey Center and something she’s actively working on. (runners up: Yasha, very good at using the Fury to pursue the Devotion, and Caleb, even less able to discuss his feelings than Beau)

and finally 7) Hideous Cackling, epitomized by Mollymauk Tealeaf. this is what a Goblin does when surveying their Collection of Crap and the Chaos they have caused. this is how they communicate with fellow Minions in the know, how they react to seeing someone else’s Gooey Center, to catching the Laser Pointer. this is the easiest way to express their feelings of Devotion. the Hideous Cackle of a True Goblin is un-selfconscious and entirely for the benefit of the Cackler. Cackling Hideously is an act of self love. you can find your goblin group by listening to the Discordant Chorus made by Cackling together, and when you’re all reveling in the cacophony, there you are. it’s a little hedonistic and a little punk and a little queer, disregarding conventional expectations of beauty or family or polite behavior, and all about diving deep into the things that you are and the things that make you happy. an extremely Molly philosophy, truth be told. (runner up: Jester, gleeful agent of chaos)

Now lets use a quantifiable rubric to measure these attributes in each member of the M9. these will be X out of 11 because 77 is more of a Goblin Number than 70.

Nott The Brave Collection of Crap-- extremely.  9/11 Chaos-- FLUFFERNUTTERRRRRRRRRR!  8/11 Minionhood-- not really! her love of Caleb is much more protective (of him and his future abilities) than anything else.  3/11 Gooey Center-- ehhh she’s secretive, but her tender spots are other people, not actually her.  5/11 Laser Pointer Focus--  her main goals are all inwardly motivated and have not changed during the campaign.  2/11 Furious Devotion-- her love is extremely powerful.  10/11 Hideous Cackling-- a surprisingly low score due to her great potential for growth in the self-love department.  3/11 total score: 40/77. not a bad score, but not Extremely Goblin!

how does that stack up against every one else?

Caleb Collection of Crap-- keeps everything in his pockets except for his cat, which is in his heart.  11/11 Chaos-- absolutely creates it, but lacks proper conviction and glee.  3/11 Minionhood-- while formerly a Minion, he has developed his own purpose, and is no longer eager to follow authority.  1/11 Gooey Center-- easily smashed by any large or medium-sized hammer, but maintains staunch denial of inner Gooeyness.  8/11 Laser Pointer Focus-- has goal, will travel. difficult to redirect.  5/11 Furious Devotion-- literally willing to break the world for people he loves.  10/11 Hideous Cackling-- this man has not once consensually Cackled in his  whole life.  -4/11 total score: 34/77. Not Especially Goblin!

Yasha Collection of Crap-- does have a whole book of pressed flowers! Collected Molly and then stuck with the Nein out serendipity/stubbornness.  6/11 Chaos-- she doesn’t really revel in it :/.  5/11 Minionhood-- serves a higher power and follows along the decisions of others in the group, even when not super enthused about them, like going to Xhorhas.  8/11 Gooey Center-- all the Gooeyer for being well protected, and though her emotional walls are not the most formidable in the party, the amount of protected feeling was unexpected  11/11 Laser Pointer Focus-- loyal to two guides, the Stormlord and the M9, though the Stormlord can pull her easily away from the group.  9/11 Furious Devotion-- very very angry.  10/11 Hideous Cackling-- could stand to be a bit more open about it.  4/11 Total score: 53/77 Actually Pretty Gobliny!

Fjord Collection of Crap-- collection is limited in scope and volume, but high in Strangeness.  8/11 Chaos-- a troublemaker, for sure and certain.  7/11 Minionhood-- Literally A Minion right now, summons demonic minions on occasion.  11/11 Gooey Center-- he is a twunk and he is mad about it.  6/11 Laser Pointer Focus-- this man cannot resist pushing buttons, be they physical, emotional, or likely to end the word.  9/11 Furious Devotion-- still figuring out where his passions lie, but he cares a lot about his friends.  5/11 Hideous Cackling-- too self conscious! loosen up! needs to Cackle in his own voice.  3/11 total score: 49/77 a respectable Goblin showing.

Beau Collection of Crap-- wants to know everything, is building a family. some points lost for minimalist monk aesthetic.  9/11 Chaos-- aspiring member of Nott the Best Detective Agency, punches people to learn about them.  8/11 Minionhood-- would destroy me for even suggesting it.  -6/11 Gooey Center-- just! wants! everyone! to! get! along!  7/11 Laser Pointer Focus-- has no clearcut Mission To Complete, tries to be a voice of reason.  2/11 Furious Devotion-- JUST! WANTS! EVERYONE! TO! GET! ALONG!  11/11 Hideous Cackling-- doesn’t give a fuck what anybody thinks, but is still learning to give a fuck about what she thinks.  5/11 total score: 36/77 second-least Goblin!

Molly Collection of Crap-- behold the coat. 8/11 Chaos-- he has that certain je ne se quois.  10/11 Minionhood-- the Moonweaver in not a fan of her followers following anyone’s orders. also he has his own minions and doesn’t want them  3/11 Gooey Center-- loves openly and without reservation. and also……………………  8/11 Laser Pointer Focus-- Molly’s focus is loving his friends and knowing fuck all.  5/11 Furious Devotion-- found a tall sad lady and made his circus adopt her. gives money to orphans.  7/11 Hideous Cackling-- genuinely personified this action for two years.  11/11 total score: 52/77 not too shabby!

Jester Collection of Crap-- while most of her random shit has potential uses, it’s also a whole lot of random shit. some of its weasels.  10/11 Chaos-- spreading discord is a religious mandate for her. Her powers come from chaos.  11/11 Minionhood-- has limits in what she will support, but is pretty devoted to her friends! easily swept up in other people’s excitement.  8/11 Gooey Center-- physically well-defended, she has the luxury of wearing her heart on her sleeve. 6/11 Laser Pointer Focus-- it might seem like she’s easily distracted, but that’s actually because her surface level attention is secondary. her primary goal is actually Fucking Shit Up.  7/11 Furious Devotion-- gets attached and does. not. let. go.  10/11 Hideous Cackling-- the end goal of everything Jester does is Cackling With The Traveler, and she often succeeds.  10/11 total score: 62/77 Pretty Fucking Goblin!

Caduceus: Collection of Crap-- dude has a swarm of bugs living in his staff.  8/11 Chaos-- NOT a fan of stuff that disrupts the proper order of nature.  4/11 Minionhood-- of all the M9, the one with the guiding principles most defined by another being. a bit of a zealot, by word of Taliesin.  9/11 Gooey Center-- encourages everyone else to talk about their feelings, yet doesn’t talk about his own in the same way. very fragile. please protect this firbolg.  10/11 Laser Pointer Focus-- has a well-defined goal, but not a well defined path. constantly looking for the answers. 11/11 Hideous Cackling-- Cackling is a more intense action than thinking something is nice, but he’s on the right track. 5/11 total score: 47/77 more than a little Goblin!

final ranking (out of 77) 34, Caleb 🐱 36, Beau 👊 40, Nott 🏹 47, Caduceus 🐞 49, Fjord 🗡️ 52, Molly 🎴 53, Yasha ⚡ 62, Jester 🦄

now, 40/77 is by no means a LOW Goblin Quotient, but this single, not peer reviewed study shows that Nott is not, in fact, the ultimate Goblin of the M9. as a goblin of science myself, i absolutely invite further discussion and welcome any additional research into this matter. who do you think is the most Goblin?

happy goblining, friends! it’s thursday!

[argentdandelion]

Cross-Fandom Analysis: Lord Shen and W.D. Gaster

Introduction

On Easter 2018, I watched Kung Fu Panda 2. It was on this watching that I felt bad for Lord Shen, the villain of the film. I think I felt bad for him on this viewing, and not when I originally watched it in a theater in 2011, due to greater experience in analyzing characters' motives, greater empathy for (well-written) villainous characters, and, perhaps, realizing I admired him (or, rather, parts of him) beyond just being a "cool villain".

(The analysis below is 1,264 words. If the reader is already very familiar with Kung Fu Panda 2 and Handplates, the reader may want to skip to "Paralells Between the Two".)

Lord Shen Description W.D. Gaster Description Parallels Between the Two Doomed to be Unhappy (and Maybe Dead)

Lord Shen and Gaster Descriptions

Lord Shen Description

As a child, Lord Shen turned his parents' joyous invention of fireworks into something terrible: gunpowder. His parents, terrified by his invention's destructive potential and Shen's ambition, consulted a soothsayer. The soothsayer said that, if Shen continued on an evil path, he would be stopped by "a warrior of black and white".

Overhearing this, Shen figured this meant a panda would stop him, and set out to kill all the pandas. He later returns, believing himself successful in his goal. He tells his parents what he has done, expecting them to be proud of him. Understandably, they were instead horrified. They sent Shen into exile, though it broke their hearts to do so, and it's suggested this was their cause of death.

Years later, he returns to his home city with a cannon: a refinement of his invention and a superweapon in an era of kung fu. He kills a kung fu master his parents put in charge and takes over the city. He even replaces the throne, which he once played next to as a child, with one of his prized cannons.

Over the course of the movie, Po (a panda that had survived Shen’s extermination attempt as a baby) journeys to the city to stop Shen’s plot. When Shen commands his forces to attack Po with cannons in the film's climax, Po deflects the cannonballs back at the attackers with a sort of mystical aikido.

Afterward, Shen, apparently projecting his own issues onto Po, asks how he could deal with the emotional scarring of not having (loving) parents. In the end, Shen doesn't reform. Instead, he seems to conclude he can never be happy: when one of his cannons is set to fall onto and crush him, he doesn’t evade it (despite being quite capable of it) and closes his eyes, as if accepting his fate.

W.D. Gaster Description (Minor details of the Undertale backstory are clarified in accordance with *Handplates canon)*

When a child, W.D. Gaster's family had been all killed by humans in the first war of humans and monsters. While he had Asgore and Toriel as parental figures afterward, his family's fate (and the culpability he believed he had in it) weighed heavily on his psyche.

Humans sealed the few surviving monsters underground with a magic spell. This spell, the Barrier, was so strong it required a power equivalent to seven human SOULs to break. After his son was killed by humans, Asgore declared war on humanity in revenge, stating that all humans who fall underground would be killed. However, he soon came to deeply regret it. Though he breaks his heart to kill the humans that fall into the Underground, he believes he cannot take back his declaration of war.

Gaster, hoping to soothe Asgore's suffering somehow, aimed to create "living tools" by cutting out chunks of bone from his hands with a laser. (a very painful process) With these "living tools", he would perform basic research needed to figure out how to break or bypass the Barrier.

Unexpectedly, these "living tools" grew into sentient skeleton children: Sans (or as he calls him, 1-S) and Papyrus (2-P). Though no sadist, Gaster believed "foolish sentimentality gets people killed", and he felt he had no choice but to continue with his original plans of potentially very painful experiments on his "living tools".

Much of Handplates focuses on the resulting suffering and trauma of the "mad science torture dungeon" of Gaster's lab. Though Gaster's mental (and even physical) health deteriorates because of his single-minded focus on the often torturous experiments, he believes he has no choice but to continue.

In the end, he dies something like Shen: aimless, very alone, and laid low by an inability to progress on his goals. Sans, seeking to kill Gaster for all his cruelty, pushes him into the magical vortex of the CORE, a magical geothermal power plant and his invention. He is consequently lost, erased from reality and forgotten by all, with reality itself filling in the gaps.

Parallels Between the Two

While the motives of Gaster and Shen aren't quite the same, they have similar personalities. Their ambition is not, in itself, evil, but their drive to do something great (Shen and his gunpowder, Gaster and bypassing the barrier) motivated them to disregard things that got in the way---and sometimes, those things were morals.

Neither one, in the end, are killed by the hero, but instead by their own creation. Shen’s cannon falls on him. Gaster is pushed into the CORE, something he made, by Sans, also something he made, and this is a fate that could have been averted had he bothered to have safety rails installed.

The motives of both seem linked to their childhood experiences, and need for parental love and approval.

Shen's desire for his parents to be proud of him shows they're important to him, but they also don't seem to care that much for him. Though exiling their son was the most merciful thing they could do after he tried to kill off all pandas, had they done something to make him feel loved and show they were proud of him before then, he would have no motive to do it.

Similarly, Gaster clearly cares a lot about his original skeleton family, though from what little is shown they seemed neglectful and emotionally unavailable. He tortures Sans and Papyrus in his mad-science torture dungeon at least originally in the hope of helping all monsterkind, but mostly for the sake of a parental figure, Asgore.

Doomed to be Unhappy (and Maybe Dead)

There are parts of their characters that I pity, and parts I even admire.

Shen’s desire for greatness, ability to act upon it, and persistence are things I like. He is also an expert in tactics, and good at improvising when the heroes don’t act according to plan.

Gaster’s drive----one could even say it’s single-minded---to bypass the barrier, even though he knows it’s difficult and has no clue how to do it, is something I admire. I admire his great intelligence (as arrogant as he is about it), even though it doesn't seem to help him bypass the barrier, as he never gets closer to his goal.

These good things---virtues, one could say---are unfortunately misapplied in such a way it only makes those around them (and themselves!) miserable.

Though I feel bad for both Shen and Gaster, the two are essentially doomed to be, at best, unhappy.

Shen will never get his parents’ approval, as they are dead by the beginning of the movie. As the Soothsayer asks: when will he be happy? When he conquers all of China?

As much as he likes to act otherwise, his torture of sentient beings and the ethical scrutiny of said beings has an emotional toll on Gaster, so severe it even affects his physical health. If Gaster goes the “Dadster” route, he’ll still be unhappy because he’ll hate himself for his “cowardice”, the barrier is no closer to being broken, and a human might still come down and kill them all anyway.

Both Gaster and Shen had many choices to stop; for the former, it is especially obvious because of little sub-AUs and the recurring theme of Undertale of different “timelines” splitting off from one’s actions. Yet neither took those chances.

I feel bad for them, for all their suffering and helplessness, and yet...their villainy was no accident. They deserve their fates, not just morally but as a direct consequence of their actions.