#and with all my love to Eddie he never did it for Shannon

[bidisasterevankinard]

Buddie "break up with your gf" poll

Choose who will break up with his gf first and tell me in tags why if you want

You also can put your specs about the reason/s for it

[eddiediazismyhusband]

thinking about the possibility of eddie’s sexuality crisis coming after buddie canon like…

he and buck start dating and in eddie’s mind he’s justifying it like “i’m not really into men im just into buck” and buck is the supportive boyfriend bc obviously eddie’s the only one who knows himself, and eddie labeling himself doesn’t matter to buck bc all that matters is that they’re the happiest they’ve ever been together

but then they have sex for the first time (obviously we don’t see anything bc this is abc not hbo) but while buck is in this perfectly blissed out state, eddie is panicking bc holy shit… is that what sex is supposed to feel like? like i thought i enjoyed sex before because i got off and that was that but this was…. what the fuck?????

and we get this sort if spiral moment where eddie wonders if he’s been gay this whole time and has just been lying to himself and is wondering what that means for him and shannon? like yeah he moved on from her but… looking back did he ever really need to? were the feelings for his girlfriends just misplaced feelings for buck this whole time? has he always felt this way?

and it gets to a point where buck thinks eddie is pulling away from him, and he gets really in his head about it remembering when eddie said that sex just complicates things, and how eddie had that whole crisis over marisol, and then buck had broken up with temu and chris was in texas so both of them were in weird places mentally and oh my god did i force myself on him? is he miserable bc he realized im not actually what he wants? is he going to leave me like everyone else does?

and meanwhile eddie is in therapy telling frank that he’s never felt this way about anyone before and that he thought he was enjoying sex before but it had never been anything like what it was with buck- that before it had been a means to an end but with buck it just felt right… and then frank has a really deep conversation about sexuality and eddie’s catholic guilt and explains that only eddie can decide if labeling himself is important or not

then we get eddie making a choice to either label himself or to not label himself (bc all that matters is that bucn is who he wants to be with; im not picky bc i have always been a gay/demi eddie truther, but unlabeled eddie has so much playing room and they could explore so much with that but i also know that realistically they probably wouldn’t put that much thought into the actual label but i digress)

and then we get a Kitchen Scene™️ where they are both super quiet and eddie tells buck they need to talk; buck automatically assumes eddie’s breaking up with him and starts apologizing to eddie and telling him he will give eddie some time and space, telling eddie that he will move on eventually like he has from everyone else. eddie is like “what?” and buck is like “aren’t you breaking up with me?” and eddue is horrified bc oh my god have i really been that distant? has my crisis really pushed me away that much that i made him think i wouldn’t tilt the earth on its axis for him if he asked??? and eddie explains his side of things, ending his little speech by saying “i love you” for the first time, and buck gets teary eyed and says it back and they share a soft kiss and eddie is like “it’s never felt like that before” and buck admits “it’s never felt like that for me either… but i think that’s what being in love does” and the episode ends with a fade to black of eddie leading buck out of the kitchen and down the hallway

[capseycartwright]

oh what a terrible honor it's been (to learn that my blessings are things you call sins)

Hey God, it's me, Eddie. I hope you don’t mind that I’m sitting in your house thinking gay thoughts.

Eddie couldn’t help but giggle to himself as he thought the words. If he couldn’t be a bit silly while having a sexuality crisis in a Catholic church – when could he? 

Christopher leaves for Texas, Eddie goes back to therapy, unearths an emotional lockbox he had been fourteen years old when he buried, and has a lot of thoughts about how Buck is sunshine incarnate. In hindsight, it probably should have been obvious he wasn't straight.

ao3 link

t’s been a long time since Eddie Diaz had set foot in a church – of his own accord, at least. He’d been to the christenings and communions and confirmations of all of his various nieces, nephews, and cousins, he’d sat stiff in the pew as he’d watched friends, and family get married, trying his best not to remember how own wedding day, the way Shannon’s hands had shaken in his grip as they promised to love each other until death do them part, both of them young, too young to understand the covenant they were signing up to. Eddie had been there, for all those occasions, but he hadn’t gone to mass, or even sat in a church, just because he wanted to in a very long time. 

He wasn’t even really sure if he wanted to be there today, but it was a Thursday, and Christopher was in Texas, and Eddie wasn’t working, and he’d been having an extended mental breakdown for the last few weeks, and before he knew it, he was sitting in the pew of St Brendan’s Catholic Church, listening to a softly spoken priest with an Irish lilt to his accent – faded, after years in America, Eddie presumed, but still there, noticeable in the inflection of certain words – recite the Our Father. 

Eddie had never been to St Brendan’s before, but it felt like every other church he’d been to in his life. They didn’t all look the same, necessarily, though they followed the same format, rows of uncomfortable wooden pews and an altar decorated in gold, as opulent as it was suffocating. Eddie had thought it beautiful, before, the way Catholic churches were decorated in gold and jewels, believing for so much of his life that the wealth honoured God – but living life had made him learn the grandeur and displays of wealth were nothing more than indicative of the wealth the Catholic church had hoarded while their devout followers starved, all in the name of faith and of God. True faith didn’t need to be gilded in gold to be sincere, he’d decided.

Eddie had never been to St Brendan’s before, but mass was the same. It didn’t change – though the wording of some of the prayers did. He’d sort of been checked out of being a regular churchgoer by time they had changed some of the prayers, only discovering the difference when he confidently started to recite it wrong at his youngest niece’s communion, his mother fixing him with a glare so icy hell might have frozen over under the power of Helena Diaz’s gaze alone. He’d never learned the new ones, not really, and so Eddie just recited the one’s he’d learned for his own confirmation, the words falling from his lips, muscle memory more than it was faith now. 

Our father, who art in heaven – hallowed be thy name . 

Eddie couldn’t help but laugh, a little, as he murmured the prayer. Hallowed be thy name. He knew the prayer talked about God, their holy father, but the prayer had always made him think of his own father, of the way Ramon Diaz was a hallowed man in his own right, how he parented with an iron fist and expected to be obeyed. 

Things were getting better now, with his dad. Maybe – maybe that was part of the fear. Eddie had always been afraid of letting people down, but more than anyone, he was afraid of letting his father down – of seeing that look of disappointment set into every crease of his father’s face, an expression he’d been on the receiving end of for more of his childhood than he’d like to admit. Eddie had tried so hard to make sure he was never on the receiving end of that look again, but nothing he had ever done was good enough – not marrying Shannon, not the way he had tried to take responsibility for his young family, not the army, not the man he had been when he’d come home from Afghanistan. 

Distance had lessened the number of disappointed looks, but Eddie knew that was because he was simply not seeing them anymore; he was sure his father sometimes frowned at the phone when they’d finally call, silted conversation about Christopher and life at the firehouse the best either of them could muster. 

It wasn’t perfect, but it was getting better. 

At least it had been, until his parents had taken Christopher with them to Texas. It hadn’t helped their relationship – but it hadn’t hindered it as much as Eddie had expected either. He was never going to thank them, for the way they had swooped in, ready to take Christopher at a moment’s notice, but he could thank them for giving his son the space that he needed to process. Eddie couldn’t give him that space, right now, but he was grateful someone could. Still – he would be ready to drive to Texas at the drop of a hat when Christopher decided he was ready to come home.

Things were getting better, that was the thing. His dad called, every night, to update Eddie on Christopher’s day. Eddie could hear the familiar sounds of the Diaz backyard as his dad softly spoke, telling Eddie about how Christopher had been to the lake, with his cousins, and how he’d finished another book, and how he was helping Helena to make dinner, right then. It had filled the gap until Christopher had started to call Eddie himself, his voice tinny as he mumbled over the phone, things not quite back to normal, Christopher not willing to talk to him about anything except Marvel and Minecraft and how abuela’s tamales were better than Eddie’s, but better than they were, at least. 

Every time they were on the phone, Eddie reassured his parents that he was working on himself. He was back seeing Frank, every week, and at Frank’s encouragement, he’d joined a veteran’s support group. Eddie wasn’t exactly the picture-perfect military veteran he assumed he needed to be, to join a veteran support group, but the rag-tag group that met at his community hall every month weren’t exactly the flag-wearing, gun-toting veterans he’d expected them to be. James was a 63-year-old man from Massachusetts who ran the group – he had moved out to LA to live with his daughter after he retired and referred to himself delightedly as a stay-at-home grandfather. Luisa was a vet around Eddie’s own age, and she’d gone back to university after she got out of the army and got a fine arts degree. She liked to paint, and talked about her wife with a reverence and openness that Eddie could only admire. 

He hadn’t said a word the first time he went, and Buck had sat in the Jeep in the carpark, a ready-made escape plan for Eddie in case he decided it was all too much. Eddie had sat quietly as the group had chatted, drinking tea and coffee out of flimsy paper cups, and eating homemade biscuits – made by James, who, as it turned out, was quite the prolific baker – and he’d watched. He’d watched as the group had talked about their bad days, and their good days, and how they were coping with life after the military, and not a single glorious war-story was exchanged. 

That was when Eddie knew it was safe to keep going. He was never going to be a man who was proud of his service, and he didn’t want to have to attend a support group of people who’d talk about their time in the military like it was the good old days. He had spoken a little more, the second time he went – Buck doing his groceries, two streets away, rather than sitting in the carpark – and he’d introduced himself, his voice gruff as he tried to figure out what version of Eddie he wanted to present to the world. 

Eddie was still figuring that part out – the version of himself he wanted to be, that is. 

He was figuring himself out. That was the point. He was trying, he was really trying – and people could see that, Eddie was sure. His parents said they could, at least.

Which was why he was here – in a church not dissimilar to the one he’d attended every Sunday in El Paso growing up – on his knees, praying to a God he wasn’t sure he actually believed in for guidance. 

read the rest on ao3

[wellcollapse]

today's hot take: if the show ever gets around to introducing eddie's sisters onscreen, i want there to be a reason why it took so long for either of them to show up. because all we've gotten over the past six years are a few passing mentions from eddie and his family, and i don't want that to be a mistake on the show's part. when it comes to sophia and adriana, i want there to be distance. i want there to be anger. i want there to be resentment.

we know that eddie was parentified at a young age and spent most of his childhood feeling responsible for sophia and adriana only to get his girlfriend pregnant at age eighteen. we know that eddie wasn't ready for any of it — he wasn't ready to get married. he wasn't ready to be a husband or a father. to have his own child as a child. and we know that he did it anyway. and from the minute that eddie held that tiny baby, every single thing that he did was for his son. every single priority that eddie may have had before that was second to the living, breathing embodiment of his heart — christopher.

we also know that part of the reason why eddie didn't want to leave texas when shannon asked him to is because he didn't want to leave his sisters. but eventually he did. he did need to leave. he needed to leave his parents, and he left sophia and adriana there too. and like. it's heavily implied that adriana is much younger than eddie, and given that ramon was never home and eddie was heavily involved in raising her, it's more than likely that she would harbor some kind of resentment towards him for leaving. and obviously he didn't mean to leave her — i feel like that goes without saying, but i want to reiterate it so nobody misunderstands me. but i want her to feel abandoned anyway. i want her to have so much love lying dormant with nowhere for it to go. i want them to have drifted away from each other during the years when he was at war and focused on his new wife and baby and i want to hear that his sisters had to watch him leave again, barely a year after they thought that they got their big brother back.

listen. i know that the diaz siblings are very popular in fic and most people hc that they have a really close relationship but at this point in canon, it's been a full six years since eddie was introduced, and in my opinion we're way past the point where it would feel natural for either of them to be (currently) actively involved in eddie's life. so i hope the show does something with it, because i think there's so much potential for an estrangement/reconciliation arc between them and i'm so excited at the prospect of what it could do for eddie's character.

[talktonytome]

Ok I couldn’t stop thinking about this post and how Eddie’s cultural background impacts his life so I’m adding some of my thoughts:

re: repression and emotions- unfortunately for those who subscribe to the machismo part of our culture, they are taught to repress emotions- boys&men shouldn’t cry, suck it up, showing pain is weak. And we see that with Eddie and his Dad, who ingrained that so much so Eddie resorted to unhealthy outlets (like cage fighting-another macho thing) and he was having panic attacks because his feelings and emotions had no where to go. He was so reluctant and skeptical of therapy (again another machismo/ Mexican thing)

re: being forced to grow up too fast- when he was a BOY, his dad told him he had to be the “man” of the house now and take care of the family, which segues into getting Shannon pregnant in their teens. By his dad’s measure, he was a man right? He was expected to get married and assume the role of husband and provider. And sure, religion plays into it as well. he felt pressured and never had the time to think what do I want to do? And as is the case for so many to escape their situation, he joined the army and boy do you grow up fast there.

re: relationships- he married his first serious girlfriend when they were so young and even though they loved each other, people change so much and they weren’t given the option to consider not being together. Eddie mostly assumed the role of provider because he didn’t know how to deal with everything going on, especially with Christopher. (btw I don’t think it’s fair how harsh some ppl are about Shannon bc she was left alone with a kid and Eddie’s parents who hated her) He wasn’t there to be a husband or a father because, as he said himself, he left first and ofc he felt guilt over that. His only impression of love and their relationship was stagnant and frozen in time. When he reunited with Shannon, he was only maybe just starting to get closure when she died and he fell into that grief and never let himself fully heal from it. After being with Christopher again, he fully took on the role of father and that is all he was. His subsequent relationships did not work because he was really looking for a mom for Christopher and again didn’t ask himself what he wants, he struggled with relationships, and as a result, the women he tried to date suffered.

We know that his aunt constantly tries to set him up with people and oh god if that isn’t relatable. If you’re Latinx, we hear it all the time! “Cuando te vas a casar?” (When are you getting married?) “No tienes novio(a)?” (You don’t have a gf/bf?) “Deja the presento a” (let me introduce you to). There’s this pressure and stigma about being alone and Eddie goes along with these set-ups, women that are not chosen by him so ofc it feels like a performance. (I mean dating already is when you’re just getting to know someone.) and there’s the expectation in our culture that you need a partner and nuclear family to be complete.

In conclusion, I wish more people could see the influence and impact all of this has on Eddie’s life and decisions, and how he’s hispanic man forced to grow up too soon and become a dad-coded. I wish that nuance was considered more often, and my hope for season 8 is that he finally breaks it all down and figures out what he wants and who he wants to be!

[lesbianrobin]

what's so fascinating about eddie to me is that like almost every problem in his life is a direct result of his own decisions but they're all decisions that don't even seem like decisions to him. like he has this mindset where there are certain things he Must Do or Should Do and then he never really stops to be like but do i Actually have to do this. Why am i actually doing this. who does this benefit and How. and that's a mindset which is like a perfect storm for compulsory heterosexuality. like eddie is a lesbian magnet and he's not a remotely bigoted guy but he struggles So Much with challenging his own entrenched beliefs about like love and masculinity When Applied To Him.

and i think what's hardest for eddie is like. if he accepts that he's gay then he has to reevaluate all of these past choices he made and accept that he basically never once did what He wanted to do and he made most of the big decisions in his life out of a sense of obligation. like the Only thing he ever did for himself was moving out to LA to be a firefighter and even then he sorta went to LA specifically because of shannon. and how the hell do you accept that yknow how do you look yourself in the mirror and say yeah i spent the first thirty years of my life and an entire marriage and my son's entire life just going through the motions of what i thought i was supposed to do and it didn't even WORK it just made literally everybody miserable. i am mourning an idealized marriage that not only never existed but never even Could have existed. did i waste and ruin the painfully short life of a woman i loved? have i been hurting my son by pretending to be something i'm not for his entire life?

like eddie's already king of hating and blaming himself for everything but in a way that's far easier to stomach i think than the can of worms he'll open when he realizes he's gay. and that's why he's continued to repress it for so long.

[megalony]

Resemblance- Part 5

Thank you all for the lovely feedback on this Evan Buckley series, I hope you will all like this next part. Please let me know what you think.

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Series Masterlist

Summary: When Evan introduces (Y/n) to Eddie, she resembles someone he used to know. And he can't help himself when he's around her, leading to frightening behaviour.

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evan's hand gripped the gear stick so tightly he was about to rip it out of place. He shifted up into a higher gear, revving the engine as he moved into the outside lane and sped past the only other two cars on the road this late at night. He hoped no police would be out on patrol to catch him speeding, but he did have a good excuse if they did.

He had to get home. He had to find out what the Hell Eddie was up to and what he was doing round at his place.

"Buck? What's going on, are you okay?"

Maddie's voice flooded the car and snapped Evan out of his trance. He felt bad for calling her. She had been on shift all day and she had Jee to look after when she went home and here was Evan, ringing her at midnight, something he never did unless it was an emergency.

"I'm on my way home… Eddie's gone off the rails."

"What do you mean?"

"He's let himself into my place, Maddie. (Y/n)'s home alone and he's gone round there and I have no fucking clue what he's doing. I tried to call her and- I don't know what was happening but, but Eddie cut me off. Bobby's gonna meet me there. I don't know what Eddie's gonna do."

For the second time in less than half an hour, Evan brushed away stray tears that were falling freely down his face.

He couldn't speak to (Y/n) when he tried to call her, but he heard the utter fright in her voice and he knew she had been crying. And he just knew when the call hung up on him that it had been Eddie.

But he didn't know what was happening back at home. Evan didn't know if Eddie had hurt (Y/n). He had no idea if Eddie would physically hurt her but Evan had a horrid feeling in his gut that Eddie had done something. Whatever he was doing, Evan had to get home to stop him. He couldn't be left alone with (Y/n) and something must have set him off for him to go round in the middle of the night and let himself into Evan and (Y/n)'s apartment.

"Oh God, Buck. You don't… you don't think he'd actually hurt her, do you? He never hurt Shannon."

Evan didn't have the answer to that because he truly didn't know what his best friend was capable of anymore. He had no idea if Eddie would hurt (Y/n) to punish her or to punish Evan. He didn't know if Eddie would hurt her by mistake or how far over the line he would go tonight.

"I don't know."

He had never hurt Shannon. Eddie prided himself on trying to be a good person, a moral, loving, kind man. He worshipped the ground Shannon walked on and he would never dream of hurting her. But this wasn't Shannon, this was (Y/n) and if Eddie's delusion broke, who was to say that he wouldn't hurt (Y/n)?

"Do you want me to come over?"

"No, no it's okay, Bobby should be there by now and I'm almost home."

He wasn't quite sure why he rang Maddie. He had woken her up in the middle of the night and frightened her and he knew his big sister wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep now. She would stay awake fretting and worrying until Evan or Bobby called her to update her and let her know what was happening. Evan had just started a domino effect of panic for his sister and brother in law and the rest of the team when they eventually found out what was happening.

But he couldn't help himself. He couldn't drive home in silence and Bobby wasn't answering.

He had called the station to get hold of Evan and when Evan rang him, it had been a short and panicked phone call. Bobby said he was dressed and heading down to Evan's apartment and that Evan needed to meet him there as soon as possible.

But Evan didn't want to sit and stew on this in the car ride home, alone. He wanted to talk and the first person that came to mind was Maddie.

"Okay… call me when you know what's happening, and Buck, you need to be careful. He's going to crash hard when he realises Shannon is gone and (Y/n) can't give him that second chance he wants."

Evan croaked a quiet "Okay," before he hung up and focused on turning the next corner towards the apartment block. He dragged his hand up and down his face and pulled into his designated parking space.

He had no idea what state of mind Eddie was going to be in. Did he believe (Y/n) was truly Shannon? Did he know she was never going to be his wife? Was he under the impression that (Y/n) could somehow save him or redeem him or give him the closure he so desperately wanted? What was he trying to do?

Evan pulled up and jumped out the jeep, scrambling to shove his phone in his pocket and lock the jeep while he pelted across the grass towards the main door.

Relief couldn't have overtaken Evan sooner when he realised Bobby and Athena were hurrying up the path too.

They looked disshevelled. Bobby's short hair was stuck up on end and in frantic directions. Panic was written across his face and pooling in his eyes. His shirt was on inside out and his belt wasn't done up tight enough, leaving his jeans to sag on his hips and jiggle up and down as he speed walked towards the main door.

Athena had tamed her hair as much as she could in the car on the way over. She was wearing a vest tucked into an old pair of jeans, trainers instead of her usual high heels. She had a thin jacket pulled tight around her shoulders but what frightened Evan was her gun and badge he could see attached to her hip.

She was here on duty. She had woken up and come along in case she needed to arrest Eddie.

Was she going to have to arrest him? Was Eddie going to be in such a state that he needed to be taken into custody? Was he going to hurt one of them and land himself in jail for the night? Would he need to be sedated or taken down to the hospital for a psyche hold?

Oh God, when was this night going to end? How was it going to end?

"Buck," Understanding flooded Athena's voice as she sighed his name and reached a tender hand out to squeeze his bicep.

"Have you managed to get hold of either of them?" Bobby placed his hands on his hips and waited for Evan to fish out his keys and unlock the main door. He had a strong feeling that Evan hadn't gotten hold of Eddie or (Y/n). Bobby hadn't called (Y/n) back when she hung up on him.

He took that as a sign that Eddie was approaching her and Bobby didn't want to call her and set Eddie off into a raging episode. But once he and Athena got in the car, Bobby tried again to call her, but the phone just kept ringing and ringing and no one answered.

Evan shook his head and held the door open for them to follow after him. He called (Y/n) four times in a row after he got cut off, and she didn't answer. He tried calling Eddie but as expected, he didn't pick up either.

"Do either of you know what he's doing here?" Athena followed them both up the stairs as Evan took them two steps at a time and Bobby tried to keep up with Evan's pace.

"(Y/n) said he let himself in, she didn't say what he wanted or what he was doing."

"I told him to stay away from her… I told him I didn't trust him, and he laughed." Evan shook his head at the memory.

The last time he spoke to Eddie properly after their fight, he told him to stay the Hell away from (Y/n). He said he didn't trust Eddie around her after what he said at the station and what he did when he came round last time. And Eddie laughed at him. He laughed as if he didn't believe what he was hearing or as if he was taking this as some sort of personal challenge.

Maybe it hadn't been the right thing to say. Maybe Evan should have told Eddie that he needed to keep at a distance for a little while. Put it in kinder terms so he didn't isolate Eddie or make him feel broken and unheard.

But Evan had no idea what Eddie thought he was doing tonight or what his aim was.

Had he come round tonight with the intention of hurting (Y/n) to get back at Evan? Was he trying to get her to go somewhere with him so they could be together? Did he want to talk to her and try to move past this? Or was he there because he wanted to delve into this fantasy of her being Shannon? Was he trying to mould her into his wife and keep her for himself?

Evan hopped up the stairs two at a time until he got to the fourth floor and he was out of breath. He slowed down his steps so they didn't thunder down the hall and his hands began to shake at his sides, rattling his keys back and forth as he approached his home.

Was it even going to feel like home after he walked inside and finally found out what was going on in there?

Tears welled up in Evan's eyes and he suddenly didn't know how to breathe when he tried to get his key in the lock, but it wouldn't turn.

"He- he's left the key in the lock. We're gonna have to break it."

***

Small, shuddering breaths slipped past (Y/n)'s lips and her eyes snapped closed when she felt Eddie's lips against the side of her neck.

She could feel him whispering something into her skin, leaving hot, panting kisses in his wake as he kept tilting his head up and down. Every now and then, his nose would brush against the tip of her jaw and across the bottom of her ear before he kissed down towards her collar bone.

He was still crying. Silent, sticky tears soaked into (Y/n)'s cheek and neck which was already wet from his lips and felt like it was bruised from how frequently Eddie kept nudging his chin into her neck. And every so often she felt his teeth grazing her skin when his unrecognisable words became desperate.

She managed to make out another "I love you," panted against her skin before he bared his teeth and sank them into her neck like a vampire, causing her body to quake in his arms.

She couldn't help but dig her nails into his arm that pinned tighter into her throat that was bruised while her windpipe was surely going to be crushed if he continued to hold her like this for much longer.

His knees were jabbing into her legs and his thighs were tensing and squeezing her upper thighs that were going numb with pins and needles.

Her back was aching from rocking back and forth so much but Eddie's arm around her stomach was imbedding more and more into her skin and she knew if he didn't stop, she was going to pass out or be sick. But he wouldn't let her go and no amount of pain would make him release her.

She bit his hand upstairs and he barely flinched. She scratched his arms and he wouldn't budge an inch. She tried pushing and writhing and tearing out of his arms and he held her tighter and screamed until she started to shake and gave up fighting.

"I feel sick," She whimpered, scratching her nails into his arm as she pushed back into his chest. "Please let go now."

"No." That one word word passed through Eddie's lips on a loop, again and again until he was screaming and (Y/n) sobbed loudly in response. She could barely catch a proper breath and when Eddie started to growl, (Y/n) did the only thing she could think of.

She thrust her head to the right and bashed the side of her head into Eddie's temple.

Her head rebounded to the left and she closed her eyes, feeling her breath get caught up in her lungs as static built up in her ears and her mind started to reset itself.

She heard Eddie's horrific howl as his head snapped back and his arms momentairely loosened around her.

(Y/n) took that as her moment. With her eyes still tightly closed and her body being shifted around in Eddie's arms, she pulled away from him.

Her nails scratched the floor and her hands scraped against the laminate as her knees thudded and banged against the floor to try and heave herself up. Her head felt cloudy and full of cotton wool, her stomach was churning, her throat was raw and her eyes were as sore as they had ever been from crying so much.

She couldn't get her legs to work and there didn't seem to be much point in trying to stand up. She shuffled, crawled and flopped across the floor, aiming for the bathroom or the front door, whichever she could reach first.

Her hand locked around the bathroom door but she stopped when a familiar voice caught her off guard.

"(Y/n)? Eddie? What's going on in there, can you let me in please?"

Bobby.

He was here. He had done as (Y/n) asked and come to help her, he was going to sort this situation out.

He was going to come in and get Eddie away from (Y/n) and help her work out the best way to help Eddie and sort this out. Bobby would be able to talk some sense into Eddie and show him that what he was doing wasn't right. Eddie would listen to him. Hopefully.

Her momentary pause gave Eddie enough time to grab her before she reached the bathroom.

Before she knew what was happening, Eddie's arms were around her waist and her back was pinned up against his chest. She stayed stiff in his arms, not bothering to fight because it wasn't going to do any good. The tears Eddie had been shedding earlier were all but gone now and he was back to kissing her cheek and her temple, almost lifting her off her feet with his force and strength.

"Eddie, c-can we let him in?" (Y/n) clenched her hands around Eddie's arms but she could feel the panic radiating off of Eddie.

He didn't know what to do.

They were so close to the front door, less than five feet away. All they had to do was walk over, unlock the door and remove the chain. Then Bobby could come inside and they could try and diffuse this situation.

But letting Bobby in would break the fantasy Eddie was trying so hard to keep hold of. He had Shannon in his arms and if he opened that door, Bobby would snatch her away from him. Forever.

"No."

(Y/n) all but whimpered, sniffing as she leaned her head back on Eddie's shoulder but it seemed to be the wrong move to make when he kissed her cheek. Then again. And again before he was suddenly kissing her lips and sliding his tongue into her mouth.

He turned her round in his arms and backed her up into the wall beside the bathroom, halfway between the bathroom door and the front door. So close to two ways of escape, but she couldn't reach either of them.

Her shoulders wriggled against the wall and her fingers scrunched up in Eddie's shirt. Her heels scraped against the floor, trying to keep herself upright but she could barely put any weight on her left ankle that kept giving out beneath her.

It didn't matter about keeping herself upright, Eddie did that for her. His hands clamped down on her hips so fiercely (Y/n) felt like she was going to pop like a berry. He released her lips and left a speck of blood in the corner of her mouth from where he bit down harshly on her lower lip.

Eddie tucked his face into the crook of her neck and breathed harshly into her skin, pressing his groin into hers and pinning his chest down on her collar bone, pinning her in place.

"Eddie, what's going on in there. Are you both okay?" Bobby's calm, solemn voice flooded the apartment again along with a soft knock on the door to gain their attention.

"Leave. I don't want your fucking help."

"I can't do that, not until you let me in and I know everything's okay."

Bobby could feel Evan pushing against his shoulders, trying to get past him but he couldn't. Not when Bobby was stood with both hands on the door frame, blocking it off from Evan who had Athena holding his arms to try and comfort him and keep him at bay.

They didn't want to break down the door, not unless it was their only option, their last resort. Breaking the door would be a lot of effort when it had two locks and a security chain and it would cause their biggest problem.

The police.

If they broke the door, Evan's neighbours would surely find out what was going on and they would call the police. Athena was here as a friend, as family and a curtesy so she could try and diffuse the situation. Calling the police and making an official report and arrest would cause problems for all of them. They didn't want to arrest Eddie, he needed help, not being taken to the station and questioned or charged.

"You'll take her away from me!" Eddie's voice barked through the corridor and none of them recognised him anymore.

The pain, aggravation and turmoil was clear in his words. He was frightened that this was the last time he was going to be around (Y/n) because he knew once they got in here, they would separate her from him.

He wouldn't be able to see her anymore. He wouldn't look into those eyes that he loved so much. He wouldn't be able to kiss those sugary lips or hold her close or hear her heartbeat and know that Shannon was here, that she was back. Eddie wouldn't be able to get her to forgive him and he wouldn't be able to hear her say she was sorry or explain why she had left him all those years ago.

He wanted an explanation. Eddie wanted to know why. He wanted her to come back. He wanted to take her home and have the family they built together.

Bobby nodded his head when he felt Evan hit his shoulder and ask if (Y/n) was okay. They hadn't heard her speak. They couldn't hear anything in the apartment right now. Was she still there? Was she okay? Was she hurt?

"Eddie, the last thing I want to do is take her from you. Can you tell me if she's okay?"

"I- I'm okay." (Y/n) could hear the tremor in her voice and she gasped when Eddie slid his hand up from her hip to hold the back of her neck. His fingers dug into her skin, scratching until blood was welling beneath his nails and he had (Y/n)'s head tilted back against the wall.

"That's good. Can I come in? Eddie, we can talk this through and work out what to do from here but I need you to open the door for me. I'm not going to take (Y/n) away, she can stay with us-"

"No. Y-you're not doing this… just let me take Shannon home." The way he sobbed into (Y/n)'s neck had her shivering and almost sliding down the wall if it wasn't for his tight hold on her.

She didn't want to go anywhere with Eddie.

She just wanted him to let go and leave her alone. Why couldn't he seek help? Why couldn't he let his family help him? Why did he have to do this in his own twisted way and make things worse?

Why did she have to resemble his dead wife so much?

"Come home. Let me take you home."

When (Y/n) silently shook her head, her lips curved down at the corners and tears spilled over her eyes. She could see the change happening in Eddie again. She could see that manic look taking over his pupils that were expanding until his eyes were nothing but black holes, devouring everything in their path. Absorbing every emotion (Y/n) had and taking it for himself.

His upper lip curled into a snarl and his hand left her hip so his knuckles could smash into the wall beside her head, creating a dent in the plaster.

(Y/n) cowered to the left, hunching her shoulders up as she snapped her eyes closed and moved her hands near her face. A sob bubbled past her lips when both his hands moved to grab her face.

The pads of his fingers were rough. The heel of his palms pressed bruisingly into her cheeks. His fingers dug into the sides of her jaw. He squashed her lips like he was trying to make her pout and when she tried to look away, he shook her head and forced her to look up at him.

The way his eyes narrowed and how his lips parted made (Y/n) tremor because he looked at her like she was an enigma he just couldn't work out. She was the embodiement of a Rubix cube. A real life puzzle with all the pieces slotted into place, but Eddie couldn't work out what the picture was supposed to be.

He was looking at his wife, but she was staring back at him like she thought he was the devil in disguise.

He leaned to the right, then to the left, following (Y/n)'s gaze until she had no choice but to stare at him. And he leaned closer, nudging their noses together and brushing his lips teasingly across hers. Their tears mixed together on their lips, the salty, tangy taste felt like the embodiment of sorrow itself and made (Y/n) whimper.

She clutched at his wrists but Eddie kissed her again, sucking her lower lip between his and tugging on it and biting like it was a sweet he wanted to demolish.

"Come. Home."

"I am home."

What good would it do her to go along with Eddie's delusion? If she went with him back to his place, what next? Would she ever leave? Would he try and make her stay? What would happen if Chris found out what he was doing? This would traumatise him and he didn't need or deserve that.

(Y/n) couldn't play along with this game because Eddie was becoming dangerous and it wasn't safe. She needed Bobby to get in here and get Eddie away from her.

"You're my wife!" Eddie's voice crashed through the apartment as he thrust (Y/n)'s head back into the wall like he was trying to drill his words into her skull. His knee jabbed between her thighs and pinned against the wall, parting her thighs around him while he pressed his groin against her leg and pushed all his weight onto her chest until she was gasping and croaking.

"Eddie, what are you doing? Please, you need to stop-"

"She's mine." Such a possessive growl emitted from the back of Eddie's throat and it had (Y/n)'s knees buckling and sent her stomach up into her throat.

It was clear that something had changed now. Eddie knew Evan was outside, he had just heard his voice. He felt like Evan had stolen his wife and now here he was trying to do it again. Well, Eddie wouldn't let him. He wouldn't let Evan take his world away and ruin what was left of his life.

(Y/n) felt her head cloud over and her vision turned to water colours when Eddie kissed her with so much force that he slammed her head back into the wall. Again.

Her hands let go of his wrists and fumbled around her to grab for something, anything to hold her up or use as a weapon against Eddie. But all she managed to grab was his shoulders that stopped her from sliding down to the floor, and her touch only spurred him on even more.

His hands let go of her head that swayed from left to right, sliding against the wall as her neck ached, too floppy to hold her head up any longer.

A spark of adrenaline rebooted her brain when she suddenly felt Eddie's hands on her thighs.

His touch was hasty, his fingers were rough and his movements sloppy but he managed to rake her shirt up her stomach, exposing her underwear.

"No! Stop- stop it!"

All of her effort went into leaning forward and creasing over to try and make Eddie's movements halt. Her thighs pinned together, her knees bent out and her hands slapped and thrust at Eddie's wrists and when she felt him scrunch up her shirt near her hip, she knew the material started to tear.

She heard the unmistakeable sound of seams splitting apart and the cotton stretched until it started to tear.

Her scream overrided the tearing sound and her knee smashed into Eddie's groin when she was sure his other hand was about to paw at her underwear. Whatever he was about to do- something Evan would never be able to forgive him for- he had to stop. He couldn't do this. (Y/n) couldn't let him do this.

She knew she heard Evan scream in response to hers. His voice sounded so shrill and deep and broken and it made (Y/n) cringe. He didn't even know what was happening and there he was, pounding on the door he was trying to break so he could get to her.

(Y/n)'s legs started to twist and cave beneath her while her hands balled into fists and she slammed them down onto Eddie's shoulders and into his neck, desperate to make him stop.

"Eddie you need to stop whatever you're doing. We're coming in!" The panic was undeniable in Bobby's voice as he and Evan tried to kick the door to break the locks. They couldn't stand and negotiate any longer, they had to get in there before something happened, if it wasn't already.

The little bit of momentum (Y/n) had managed to push Eddie backwards so (Y/n) was no longer pinned to the wall.

But she couldn't hold herself upright when her ankle kept cockling and giving way on her and she was shaking so much that she didn't seem to have any control left over her own body.

Her eyes closed on instinct when Eddie's hand squeezed her waist and his dingers dug into her back so harshly he was going to give her bruises and blood wheels beneath her skin. His other hand gripped her jaw that clicked into place when he pulled her head roughly in his direction and caused tears to flood down (Y/n)'s face.

They were like magnets, pushing and pulling, propelling each other in different directions. And when (Y/n) screamed, Eddie reciprocated and yelled back at her.

"Evan! Evan p-please-"

"Why don't you love me anymore?!"

She couldn't tell whether Eddie was shouting at her or if his words just seemed volumous in her ears because of how close his lips were to hers. Maybe he was crying. Maybe anger was present in his eyes. Maybe he was shaking her head from side to side or maybe she was simply shaking her head in response to his words. (Y/n) didn't know anymore.

All she did know was that when Eddie pushed her, the wall was no longer behind her to catch her fall.

They had moved without knowing it. They had push and pulled each other in different ways and now they were falling.

Why did the bathroom door have to be made of frosted glass?

Why couldn't it have been solid wood or plastic or even metal? Why glass? Why something so easily broken and so easily turned into a weapon when broken?

(Y/n) didn't realise they had been falling hard enough to crash into the door, but their combined force and weight smashed right through the glass panes and took out the small wooden beams supporting the panes. Glass licked and nipped at her back and arms, but it seemed to bite into the back of her left thigh so venomously that it almost felt like Eddie had sank his teeth into her flesh.

His full weight slammed into her as they both screamed until they were breathless. Landing on a cushion of glass, broken wood, splinters and a freezing cold tiled floor.

(Y/n) wasn't sure what her head slammed into. She wasn't even sure when her body had turned sideways, but either the sink or the toilet- possibly the bathtub if she had turned that much without realising- smashed into her temple on the way down.

Static danced through her ears and turned her brain to mush. Everything switched off.

***

"Eddie what the fuck was that? What are you doing?!"

She had been crying out for him. Evan heard her. He heard his name tear past (Y/n)'s lips before Eddie began screaming. He heard (Y/n) screaming and he had no idea why, but he had a feeling he knew what Eddie was trying to do behind that door.

And he wanted it to stop. Now.

Both Evan's boot and Bobby's shoulder rammed into the door for a third time before it finally swing open. The chain hung loose on a broken bracket, the door groaned as it opened to allow them inside. And the doorframe was split into fragments right in the middle with the metal lock cylinder hanging on by one screw.

Evan didn't waste a second. He bolted past the door, his eyes wild ad rabid, pupils blown wide as he tried to find them.

They had been close. He heard them screaming, he could almost hear Eddie panting and (Y/n) crying and hear them banging on the walls. They couldn't have been in the living room or upstairs. They had to be in the kitchen or near the hallway for Evan to hear them so clearly.

And something had definitely broken. Such a loud crash echoed out into the hall when he and Bobby started to break the door. It sounded like glass. Had Eddie thrown a vase? Had (Y/n) found a glass or a jug or a ceramic bowl to crash over Eddie's head to subdue him? What had they been doing?

When his eyes landed on the glass littering the floor in front of the kitchen, Evan's blood ran cold. His head turned to the left so fast a muscle in his neck twinged and he was sure he had just gotten whiplash.

Legs. He could see a tangled web of limbs sticking out the bathroom doorway. Oh God. What had Eddie done?

Bobby almost pushed past him until Evan's legs finally got back into working order and his work boots stomped over the glass that crunched beneath his thick heels. He reached the bathroom doorway a split second before Bobby and Evan hated the sight in front of him.

Eddie. Laid on top of (Y/n). Their legs tangled together, his head in the crook of her neck. His lips visibly attached to the side of her neck. One hand cupping her jaw while the other planted down on the floor so he could try and lift himself up.

"Get the Hell off her!"

His hands scrunched around Eddie's shoulders with enough force to dislocate the joints and in one motion, he lifted him up. He felt Bobby hovering beside him, both of them wedging their tall frames inside the bathroom to try and lift Eddie who was laid on top of (Y/n).

Groans and coughs tumbled past Eddie's lips when they heaved him up and dragged him out of the bathroom, two feet away from the doorway where he was safe from the broken glass. A safe distance away from (Y/n).

But once Eddie was sat on the floor, his body slanted back at an angle into Bobby's legs, he seemed to come alive. His hands were moving in front of him, his legs were kicking and he was doing his best to push forward. He didn't care about the blood trickling down his right arm from a deep cut in his elbow. He didn't care about the glass littering his hair like glitter or the cut to his brow or the slash marks in his jeans.

"Shannon!"

"Shut up!" Evan pointed at him with a dangerous look in his eyes and his whole arm trembling from his shoulder down to his fingertip.

He gave Bobby an uncertain look with the devil swirling around in his eyes and Hell's fury bubbling through his blood. He could see Bobby was holding Eddie down, keeping him sat on the floor with both arms under Eddie's armpits to hold him at bay.

"This is Athena Grant, off duty, batch 1275, I need an ambulance to my location, apartment 4B. There's been a domestic, we have two injured needing medical assistance."

Athena had no choice. They needed an ambulance here because she could see (Y/n) wasn't moving. There was no twitch in her foot or jolt of her legs. She wasn't moving her arms or trying to sit herself up. Her head wasn't turning from side to side and no noises were passing through her lips. She was unconscious, surrounded in glass. She needed help.

The least Athena could do was call an ambulance, and the most she could do was try to play this incident off as a domestic situation that didn't need police back up. She could spin a lie, assure dispatch that this wasn't a fight or domestic violence and say someone's night had just gone a little wrong.

She wouldn't arrest Eddie when he needed to see a doctor and she wouldn't try and get any other officers involved. Not unless Bobby and Evan explicitly told her they wanted Eddie charged. Both men had told her on the way here that they didn't want to call the police.

They knew arresting Eddie wasn't going to get him the help he needed and they all had Chris to think about. If anything happened to Eddie, Evan was the one who would be looking after Chris and he could hardly do that if he was the one to call and get Eddie arrested in the first place.

"Baby? Baby please…" Evan crouched down beside (Y/n) and took the time to look her over.

Cuts were dotted up and down her exposed skin from all the glass, but Evan knew he could see a few patches bruising into her skin from where Eddie had clearly grabbed and manhandled her.

He pressed his fingertips to her neck, counting her pulse that was uneven and quite high. But it was there and she was breathing. That was all he needed to feel right now.

A growl tore at the back of his throat when he looked down at what she was wearing.

Why was her shirt ripped down the side near her hip? Why was it bunched up on top of her hips? Why was the collar hanging down over one shoulder in a way that wouldn't happen just by falling through a door?

Why was her underwear skewed and partially pulled down?

A shudder tore down Evan's spine at the thought and he tried to brush it from his mind. If he continued on that train of thought he was either going to explode or commit murder on his best friend.

He could feel his nose scrunching up and his lips curling into a grimace when he looked at (Y/n)'s face. She was out cold, but she had blood smeared all around her nose and mouth. She'd bashed her head at some point and given herself a nose bleed.

His eyes travelled south again and he looked down at her left leg that was pressed against his knees. There was a puddle of blood beneath her thigh.

His cold fingertips were delicate and soft when he gripped her knee and slowly lifted her leg up to try and see the damage. A chunk of glass had sliced down the back of her thigh towards the groove at the back of her knee and it was bleeding out fast.

"Fuck."

His hands fumbled for one of the towels from the towel rail on the wall and he wrapped the navy blue cotton as tightly around her leg as he could before he sank back on his heels. His bloodied fingertips moved to his belt and he made quick work of unbuckling it and snapping it free from the loops on his trousers.

Once it was out, Evan carefully looped the belt around (Y/n)'s thigh, just two or three inches down from her hip near her underwear. He was suddenly glad she was unconscious so she wouldn't have to feel or acknowledge that he was cutting off her blood supply with his belt.

"There we go," He whispered softly as he lowered her leg back down to the floor, trying to avoid the glass as much as he could so he didn't give her any further cuts to her skin.

"Shannon! Get the fuck off me! Let me help her-"

"Eddie shut up or I swear I'm gonna deck you-"

"Enough!"

Athena's voice cut through the air as she moved to stand in the doorway to the bathroom. But before she could say anything else, all their eyes were going back to (Y/n) and Eddie was writhing in Bobby's arms to try and see what was going on.

She was coughing- no, she was choking.

"Athena," Terror pulsed through Evan's voice as he looked up at her before he crouched down to be level with (Y/n).

His hands cupped her bloodied face to try and see the problem. Her lips were parted but she was gasping and spluttering. Droplets of blood coated the back of her teeth and welled up on her tongue as her chest began to convulse and push up from the floor.

"She's aspirating! Move her- Shannon please," Eddie writhed until he was laid forward on his chest with his hands scraping the laminate to try and drag himself across the glass towards the bathroom.

She was still bleeding from her nose and the blood was trickling down the back of her throat. She was unconscious and inhaling the blood into her lungs, if it carried on she was going to drown and choke on her own blood.

Athena moved to kneel against the bathtub so she was behind (Y/n). "Okay honey, okay." Her voice was soft and lulling as she cupped the back of (Y/n)'s neck and held her hip while Evan helped to turn her on her side.

They kept her on her left side so she was facing Evan and Athena pushed her head down as much as she could so the blood would flow out her nose and down onto the floor. They couldn't have her choking like this.

"Shannon!"

"Out! Get him out or I'll kill him!" Whatever Evan's hand curled around first, which happened to be a lump of wood broken from the door, he launched it out into the hall. He threw it like a javelin until it smacked into Eddie's chest, but it didn't impact him or even make him wince.

If he continued calling out for his dead wife, Evan was going to let Hell loose on him and ravage him. He would give Eddie as bad a nosebleed as he had given (Y/n) and he wouldn't feel bad about it afterwards.

Eddie needed to leave before he made things any worse. But as Bobby tried to lift him up and drag him out, he kicked his feet. He raged, thrusting his elbows back, slamming his legs down, pushing forward. He did anything he could to try and get into that bathroom.

He wanted her. He wanted Shannon. She was his. Evan couldn't have her this time.

[madlori]

Here's where I am with Buddie.

[CW: I am using the Buddie tag on this post, even though the gist of it is that I'm increasingly doubtful that it'll ever happen. This is NOT an anti-Buddie essay. If you'd rather not read about this topic, please keep scrolling. The bulk of the essay is behind the cut.]

-------

I've thought a lot about this over the weeks since 7x04 aired. It's not a secret that I'm wildly enthusiastic about the BuckTommy pairing (as are many fans) but what does that mean for my thoughts and opinions about Buddie, a pairing I still love and for which I am still writing fic (slowly but surely…)?

It's become increasingly difficult to reconcile hopes for Buddie with dread for a BuckTommy breakup, but if the show managed to pull off a breakup that did not destroy me, I would still be all in for a Buddie endgame.

But more and more, I don't think it's in the cards, and I'm increasingly okay with that.

First off, I know it's a common assumption that Buck and Tommy have an expiration date, and that it cannot last. That may very well be the case, but…the show is not acting like it, nor are they presenting this arc as if it's short-lived. Episodes 4-6, while also being about other things (especially the amazing Madney wedding plot in 6) were also a bit of a trilogy about Buck discovering his sexuality and taking tentative steps into a relationship with another man. It didn't go…particularly smoothly, but the events of 7x06 where they were concerned had a completely different tone. They had a much more settled vibe in the karaoke club scenes, from Tommy's very boyfriendly "check-in" look before he had to leave, to Buck's casual/distracted "Be safe" (as if he's said this before) and just how they spoke to each other and touched each other was much more comfortable than in the coffee meetup. Which makes me think it's been a few weeks and they've seen each other a few times in the interim.

And then that kiss. Putting aside that it was juxtaposed with a literal wedding kiss, there was nothing uncertain or hesitant about it. It felt like a very arc-capping kiss, coupled with the reveal to the rest of Buck's friends and family, and the clear message was "Okay, they're done 'getting together' now, they are together and will be together going forward, even if we don't see Tommy every episode (much as we don't see Karen every episode)." We know Tommy will be around through the end of S8, if not in every remaining episode. After that, we'll see.

A lot of fans have viewed one of the guys coming out as queer to be a first step towards a Buddie future, but I have to say I've never been super comfortable with that logic. I've always thought that if they were going to get together, or both be revealed to be queer, it would have to be at the same time, with each other, via them getting together. The minute they pulled the trigger on Bisexual Buck, I immediately thought that this made Buddie far less likely. Why?

Because it would mean that the writers/showrunners would be making BOTH their "hot younger firefighter" characters queer…separately. In separate storylines. Distinct from each other. And I just don't see that happening. I'm not saying it SHOULDN'T happen. I'd be over the moon. I'm saying I think that's unlikely.

As much as it pains me to say it, I think Eddie will be written as straight and will continue to be written as straight. I don't disagree with the many examples of queer coding we've all seen - the problem is all of them can be just as easily interpreted as arising from a different trauma. Almost everything we've seen from him that could very legitimately be read as breadcrumbs for a queer identity for him could also be rooted in his trauma over Shannon's death, his family trauma, his PTSD, or his general anxiety over being enough for people. He can be read as having sexuality crises. But he can also be read as having other crises with the same results.

I'm not seeing a sexuality crisis for Eddie in the future. I just don't feel like that's where they're taking him. They're taking him somewhere -- he's got storylines coming up -- but I think they're going to have to do with his family, possibly his friendship with Buck, maybe his relationship (I think we can all agree Marisol isn't going to last, she's like the anti-Tommy in that she's been around way longer but has infinitely less of a presence), and Christopher. That's a lot to deal with just right there. If I'm wrong, I will be delighted to be wrong.

But.

I think the show will continue to prioritize and showcase Buck and Eddie's very deep and emotional friendship, which is revolutionary in its own quiet way. Another thing that makes me think they're setting Tommy up to be a long term love interest is that one of the first things they did with him was affirm that he will not come between Buck and Eddie, give him his own relationship with Eddie and Chris, and have him show that he understands and respects the depth of their bond. Not to mention they've integrated him with the firefam. No other of Buck's love interests have gotten this treatment (Taylor had the most contact with the firefam, but I don't think anyone would say she was integrated, LOL). And it shows how committed they are to maintaining Buck and Eddie's friendship as a key emotional element of the show. Tim has also said this, repeatedly.

People often say that there's no explanation for how Buck and Eddie are with each other if it's not romantic - I read a fantastic essay that pointed out that this statement is the reason their platonic friendship IS so important. Men should be able to be vulnerable and loving with each other without it being romantic, as women can be. If we're unable to see a loving friendship without interpreting it as romantic or sexual, what does that say about the kind of male friendships we see everywhere, that makes this one so different?

I know this is an old anti-Buddie argument and I'm not anti-Buddie nor do I mean it's wrong to see it as romantic. I still do. I'm saying if it's not, if it never is, what it is, is already valuable and special, especially when one of them is now openly queer and dating a man.

Anyway. That's where I am with it, and my interpretation of where the show is with it.

[buddiebeginz]

So thoughts on the deleted scene:

First I think Tim has been very strategic about these deleted scenes. Which ones he chose to cut and which ones he’s choosing to release and when. More so than in previous seasons. Like obviously certain things were cut for time but I also think he filmed some of them knowing they could be used later. Like the one with T*mmy didn’t even need to be released or if it did they could have done it when the ep aired but instead they chose to release it much closer to when season 8 is coming. They’re trying to prep the audience for the fact that the B/T relationship isn’t going to last.

Similar to that this deleted scene with Chris and Eddie I think was supposed to be a part of episode 9. They could have released it before ep 9 aired so we would have understood more about why Eddie took Kim on the boat or even after the episode had aired would have worked too but they didn’t. I think that's because the scene isn’t really about Shannon it’s about Eddie and how he views relationships and it’s also about Buck.

Eddie talks about how Shannon wasn’t his first girlfriend. I've seen a lot of people say that's just because the writers fucked up. Especially given the convo that happened with him and Buck in 701:

Eddie: "I married the first girl I dated."

Buck: "Think you might mean slept with. "

Eddie: "Point is, I'm a nester. I nest."

I mean it's possible it was a continuity error but I don't think so. The thing is if Eddie has dated or had a crush on a guy before Shannon he likely hasn't told Chris or maybe anyone that. So it's possibly that's what he was talking about when he said, "your mom wasn't my first girlfriend". It's true they didn't use gender neutral pronouns but given his whole mood when he was talking about this even beforehand it makes me wonder.

He says, "I know the first one's hard to get over but you will." And the way he seems a bit emotional when saying it you'd think he's talking about Shannon initially but then Chris says, "did you get over mom?" That's when Eddie says, "your mom wasn't my first girlfriend."

His emotional response initially could have been him thinking about the first boy he had something with but wasn't allowed to be with.

Then he talks to Chris about meeting Shannon for the first time. I've seen some people say that this is reinforcing Eddie's heterosexuality and his attraction for women and love for Shannon (and no doubt the B/T stans are saying that too). But I don't see that.

He talks about looking at Shannon the whole day but the focus in his his retelling of how he met Shannon is primarily on his time spent with her and how she made him feel. It's not on the physicality of their relationship or how she looked. It's actually Chris that even asks "was she pretty" it's not Eddie who initially brings up her appearance. Eddie responds, "la chica mas guapa del mundo," which I believe translates to "the most beautiful girl in the world". To me the way Eddie talks about Shannon just reinforces what I've always believed and that's that he loves her but was in never in love with her and definitely not sexually attracted to her.

Now obviously he was talking to his teenage son and there's a certain way you're going to talk about relationships to your teenage son than you would to another adult. He's also talking about Chris' deceased mother so that's also going to color how he thinks and talks about Shannon but I still think it's very deliberate in how the show is choosing to have Eddie think about women and Shannon in particular that is connected to his sexuality.

Think about too that this conversation with Chris happened around the time Eddie was seeing Kim and we know that Eddie never made that relationship physical even though Kim likely wanted it to be (she asked him why he didn't kiss her). Eddie also explicitly told Buck that the thing between him and Kim wasn't physical. I say all this because listen to what Eddie choses to highlight about his earliest memory of Shannon:

"We spend the rest of the day hanging out, talking, sitting on a boat out on the water, away from our friends. To be honest she did most of the talking. I was just happy to be near her. We talked until it got dark and everybody went home."

He doesn't say he couldn't wait to hold her hand or we held hands or I walked her home and we had our first kiss or anything about the physical part of that relationship. Just the stuff you'd usually associate with two teens who were falling for one another. I just think it's very telling that his sole focus was on talking with Shannon and that's the same thing he did with Kim.

And then the most important part of this entire conversation comes at the end.

Chris responds, "Penny didn't make me feel like that."

Eddie then says, "Exactly. Someday somebody will and you'll never let them go."

This line to me isn't about Shannon because that relationship just never really worked with them at any time. It was something Eddie was always running from and then even when he wasn't he was using it as place to to hide behind. As the performance of what he thought he was supposed to be. Like playing at a picture perfect family when that was never how things were with them and it wasn't what he wanted. Not with Shannon anyway.

The person he has never run from or let go of is Buck. Him and Buck have chosen one another time and time again. Eddie is talking about a soulmate in that line and that person for Eddie wasn't Shannon. I'm not saying his relationship with Shannon wasn't important it was and it will always have an important place in his life but she isn't the one who knew him the best. Who he could really be his true self with. The person who has seen all of the worst parts of him and loves him regardless. Who pushes him to be the best version of himself. That person is Buck. This is why I think they held off and released that scene so close to when season 8 is coming. This is the season when Eddie will realize that his person his Buck and this conversation will hold even more meaning.

[princessamericachavez]

There’s really not much to talk about after Chris brings up Shannon. Buck wants to say something more, to ease the kid’s pain, to reassure him that people who love him won’t always leave, but he’s still a little shaky on that department himself and doesn’t want to be hypocritical about it. So they deflect, change the subject, and a couple minutes later he lets Chris to his homework.

Eddie, of course, was listening. Buck knows. He almost expects to find him waiting by the door as he steps out of the room, but he’s not in the hallway, or in his room. Finally, he finds his best friend standing in the kitchen with a sour look and two unopened beers.

Buck opens one beer with another (a trick he’s used many times to impress dates) and settles for a bottle opener for the second one. Eddie accepts the drink and all but collapses on a seat by the kitchen island.

“He’s mad at her,” Eddie whispers into the bottle’s neck after two long gulps.

Buck tries desperately to find words of comfort but fails once more. His eyes fixate in his own hands instead. Waiting.

“I- I was so angry, too, but I thought maybe he could… I thought I could protect him from it.”

“You’ve done so much for him, for her,” Buck offers. “You’ve kept her memory alive.”

“It’s not enough.”

“It’s better than the alternative, trust me,” he says, thinking of the brother he only just started mourning. “Christopher loves his mom, and he knows she loved him. Even if… if the other stuff hurts, it was also part of her.”

“I don’t want him to judge her harshly.”

“Maybe you couldn’t help it.”

Eddie’s eyes snap towards him, pinning him with something defensive that could be mistaken for anger. But Buck doesn’t let himself flinch away.

“Eddie, Shannon was a person. A whole person. With her… mistakes, too. You can’t really love someone who is just a pretty picture. Chris can’t think his mom was just… just a perfect mom. She was more than that, the way you are more than a perfect dad.”

“In far from perfect,” Eddie scoffs, shaking his head.

“Not arguing with you there,” Buck huffs, teasingly, hoping to ease the tension. “But you’re a pretty damn good one, and you’re doing your best. And that’s what Chris knows, and that’s why he loves you.”

“Shannon was trying her best too.”

“I know. And… I think Chris knows it too. But he also gets to be a little angry about the not so perfect parts.”

Eddie puts the beer down. For an instant, like a flash, Buck is afraid of having pushed too far. Even with all the years and the trust between them, he will never truly shake the fear of one day crossing a line he can’t walk back and lose his best friend like everyone else in his life. But he has grown enough to not let that fear hold him back. Not with Eddie. Never with him.

“I’m kinda lost here, Buck. I feel like I screwed up somehow.”

“You didn’t.”

“How do I fix it.”

“You taught me that’s not always the answer, Eds.”

But Eddie looks at him with those big pleading eyes and, dammit, Buck wants to help him fix this too.

“Okay, so… if Chris was mad at you, what would you do?”

“Give him some time to cool off,” Eddie replies almost immediately. “Then try to talk to him, explain myself, see each other’s side of things.”

“Right,” Buck frowns. “Though I guess that’s…. Not a possibility with Shannon.”

“No,” Eddie rubs a hand over his face, “it’s not. Unless-“

His gesture freezes. He’s had an idea.

“Oh, Buck you’re a genius!”

“I am?”

“Yes! No. Yes… I- okay I think I have an idea. Maybe. I gotta think about it.”

Buck is eager to know the plan, but the way Eddie’s words are bouncing around it makes him feel like it’s a complicated topic. Or at least one his friend isn’t ready to voice yet.

“Well, I’m glad I could be of some help. Since my attempts at keeping Chris from turning into a little Buck 1.0 kinda failed,” he offers instead, as a change of topic.

It works. Eddie startles with a laugh that makes the kitchen feel five times lighter.

“You did alright, Buck. I really appreciate your help.”

And he means it. Buck can tell by the way their eyes meet, with an electric intensity, like they did before at the changing room. The ghost of Eddie’s hand on his shoulder lingers like static over his collarbone.

“Maybe you can ask Marisol to try next. You know, get some female wisdom in there.”

Buck doesn’t know why he says it, wants to kick himself in the teeth immediately, but then Eddie’s reaction fills him with relief. He looks appalled by the idea. Buck tries not to think too hard about why that reactions feels so good, tells himself not to let it go to his head.

“Oh, I don’t think so,” he laughs nervously. “I mean, she’s great! But I don’t think we are there yet.”

Yet. Yet, yet, yet. Not yet, but some day. Soon, probably. Buck has been quietly living with that dread for weeks now. Knowing his days of… this are counted. That some day, soon, Eddie will have someone else to rely on for this. That the day is approaching when Eddie will sit him down to talk about his will again, to let him know he’s changed it all over again. For a better choice. A more permanent one.

“Better not to rush into things this time,” Eddie keeps talking.

“Right. Yeah. Yeah… no rush,” Buck barely remembers to smile.

Eddie sighs, takes a sip. Buck mirrors him.

“So, anyway,” Eddie stretches on his chair, “you got time?”

Barely enough.

“Always.”

As much as he has left.

“Cool,” Eddie smiles, “because I do believe I promised Chinese in exchange for this.”

“Really, Eddie, it was no favor. You know I’m happy to help with Chris.”

“I know, I know,” he rolls his eyes, standing up. “Just bare with me, okay? Will make me feel less like a failure tonight.”

“You’re not a failure, Eddie. Don’t say that.”

Eddie pauses on his way out. Puts a hand on Buck’s shoulder.

“Thank you, Buck. Seriously.”

The touch is almost as electric as lightning. Buck ducks his head, feeling his heart stop and restart all over again.

“Anytime, Eddie. Now, about that Chinese…”

“Right, Chinese,” Eddie perks up. “Your usual?”

[buddieism]

eddie and shannon are so deeply tragic to me because it's like... the love was there. they did have love for each other. and eddie loved shannon not because anyone told him to but because he was a shy teenage boy and a girl flirted with him and he thought this makes me happy so maybe it can make me happy enough forever. because he grew up with traditional values and was told he had to be the man of the house and that equation simplifies pretty easily to man + woman + 2.5 kids.

and then shannon gets pregnant. and everything gets a little bit too real because the picture-perfect nuclear family is in eddie's hands now and he's realising he doesn't like it at all. and eddie gets scared and eddie runs away because eddie can't do this but he's still a man he still has to provide for his family and eddie never gives up on his family so he might be hiding in war and bloodshed but he's still providing. because if ramon taught him anything it's that a father can be absent from the home but still fulfil his duties to his family.

and eventually eddie comes back home with three gunshot wounds ripped through him and something deeper broken inside of him but this time shannon gets scared and shannon runs away because shannon became a mother too young and she loves chris and she loves him too much to stay with him and eddie because she thinks they're better off without her... but then she and eddie find each other again. and eddie thinks to himself hey maybe this time we can be happy again because chris needs a mother because my son needs a mother because i'm a man and my son needs a father and a mother and then shannon dies.

and eddie blames himself for his death -- blames himself for christopher losing his mother -- and desperately tries to shove down that gnawing feeling inside of him telling him that there's something wrong with him and instead he clings to his romanticised ideal of shannon and convinces himself that she was the great love of his life and the only reason he can't make it work with anyone else is because he lost his soulmate -- because he cannot let himself acknowledge the possibility that there was something doomed in their marriage because that means acknowledging the Big Scary Thing that eddie refuses to look at.

so when kim comes along of course eddie is going to think he's got this miraculous second chance at doing it right -- to fix the ugly broken parts of himself -- so he takes her out on the lake like he and shannon used to do and he lets her do most of the talking and he doesn't want anything physical from her because all he needs is that perfect image of shannon that he's convinced himself is real. but naturally it all falls apart... and for the first time, christopher diaz runs.

[dangerpronebuddie]

😭😭😭😭😭😭

i check for this fic so often, i can not wait until it’s done!!

I'm so happy you're excited for this one dear 🥰. You helped me write quite a bit! I'm hoping it won't be too much longer before this one's done.

“He's our grandson,” Helena says. “He needed us.” “And I'm your son,” Eddie hisses. “I needed you, too.” And that seems to be the story of his life. He's never been their priority. Never been someone they worry about. At this point, he doesn't even know if he wants them to worry about him. He's never been anyone's baby. Why start now? “What you needed was to forget about Shannon,” Ramon says. “I won't,” Eddie declares. “What I needed was the chance to grieve her. Something you never let me do.” “She made your life hell,” Ramon insists. “We both made difficult decisions. Neither of us was perfect,” Eddie says. “That doesn't mean I didn't love her.” “Then why did you separate if you loved her?” Helena asks. “Christopher needed his mother and you let her walk away.” “That's what she wanted,” Eddie says, trying desperately to keep his voice even. “She needed me and I was gone.” “You were serving your country,” Ramon says. "What reason did she have to abandon you and Christopher?"

"Her mom needed her," Eddie defends. "And I wasn't there for her."

"So she ran from her responsibilities," Ramon huffs.

Before Eddie can open his mouth to defend her, his mother speaks. “It's become hereditary,” she drawls. "So it's all my fault Christopher’s first instinct is to run?" Eddie protests.

[nerdy-frog98]

Okay I’ve had several days to think about it, and I’m not upset about Eddie’s cheating storyline anymore.

Nobody asked, but HERE’S why.

Eddie is an incredibly traumatized character. The military experiences (+ his dead friends), losing his wife so suddenly & without closure, and a couple near death experiences will do that to you! Add that to parents trying to take his child away ON TOP OF feeling like he needs to give Christopher a mother at any and all costs…? Maybe a little bit of Catholic guilt sprinkled in there too.

Season 5 was not my favorite for a myriad of reasons, but one thing I did like about it was Eddie’s complete mental breakdown. It felt like a long time coming... BUT. His mental breakdown didn’t even really scratch the surface of his issues, and there are still a lot of things he needs to face before he can truly be at peace. One of those things is Shannon.

The effect that Shannon’s loss had on Eddie has, in my opinion, never been explored properly. We got a little of it in season 3 with the illegal fighting, and then hints of it again when he was with Ana, but it never felt like closure to me. It felt like season 6 tried to give him closure (through Marisol), but it wasn’t satisfying because it was more or less a duller version of what happened with Ana. “Moving on” for his sake, but with no real emotional repercussions. Maybe this is just a personal opinion, but his story has felt like a ticking time bomb to me since the moment he broke up with Ana. His breakdown in s5 wasn’t the real bomb though.

Now imagine being Eddie, a guy with a lot of unresolved guilt and feelings for a woman who died right in front of him. Imagine you see a woman with that dead wife’s exact face. I can honestly say I have no fucking clue what I would do in his position. What he did- erasing Marisol in his first conversation with this lookalike Kim, then later lying to Buck to meet up with Kim- is morally not okay. Sure. Would any of us act in a rational way though?

I’m not meaning to justify cheating, but I do genuinely believe this is one of the only ways that stubborn ass was going to figure out his issues in a way that might actually help him move on. He’s being delusional with Kim, and once the ball drops, I believe there’s a great big breakdown waiting for him on the other end.

People often accuse Eddie of being the most boring of the 118, and I hate that assessment so goddamn much. Eddie is probably one of theee most complex characters (besides Buck) in the entire show. He’s self-destructive, kind, loyal, patient and impatient- he’s a good father and a good friend, and he’s FLAWED. That is why I love him so much.

My initial disappointment with him partially stems from me wanting him to have a singular season of PEACE, which…I realized wasn’t possible without blowing up the bomb first (would’ve preferred to disarm the bomb but I’ll take what I can get).

[maygrcnt]

various disjointed thoughts on eddie diaz;

heres the thing is you have to allow yourself to believe in the idea of an eddie diaz who likes women. you just have to. im not saying it has to be your headcanon or that you have to discuss it or engage with it, but you do have to believe in the idea. Because not only is it dangerous to back yourself so far into a headcanon corner that eventually youll become disappointed by canon no matter what they do simply because it isnt your prefered version of events, but also because things get fun and interesting and COOL when you decide to analyze eddie diaz from a lens that he actually... does like women and did love his wife.

ill start by sharing that my primary eddie diaz headcanon is fully unlabeled eddie, his life has been all about finding the right thing finding the right way doing the right things, i think it would be very freeing for eddie to just exist and be happy without labeling himself. and ill continue by saying that my secondary eddie diaz headcanon is that he is demisexual. demisexual full stop. a lot of people are on the demi and gay train which is cool but i dont see why demisexual cant be the full and real label, we dont have to hold ourselves to the shackles of split attraction model yal!

i think things get so interesting when you look at eddie diaz as someone who just simply cannot feel romantic or sexual feelings for just anyone. the only person hes canonically loved (because he did, love shannon) was someone he described as his best friend. someone he knew for years platonically and then came back to with a newfound romantic love. and then everyone else hes dated on the show has been introduced to him in a romantic light and he cannot find the connection he found as a teenager. i think eddie has serious issues with separating aesthetic versus romantic attraction so he assumes his aesthetic attraction (like how hes immediately taken by how pretty ana is before the skateboard debacle) means hes interested in people while simultaniously not understanding that his romantic attraction actually creeps in like a slow ooze he can never see coming and rarely actually identify. i have no good or fun way to wrap this up nicely. this is the end.

[mischiefbuckley]

the dialogue and word choice between Eddie and Shannon will always be interesting to me in the way that when we first see Buck and Eddie handle removing the grenade in the ambulance and right after when he tells buck that “you’re badass under pressure brother…hell yeah you can have my back any day”

but again going back to Shannon when she tells Eddie off and is like “I needed a husband and a co-parent. And instead, all I got was a life alone in Texas with a baby and you on another continent. I needed someone to have my back” and Eddie being Eddie responded with “I always had your back” and she ends it with “No. You were in Afghanistan”

I think the word choice of referring to a partner “having your back” is interesting the way that from the very first episode we are introduced to Eddie as a single father who has a child with a disability and he is struggling to adjust to living in LA now, but now he has a support system in the 118 that he could fall back on and especially when he becomes best friends with Buck now he actually has someone there for him and his son that goes out of his way to be with them and finds help in any way he can like Eddie was able to find Christopher childcare and a new school and that was with Carla’s help, but again going back to who introduced Eddie to Carla and that would be Buck and that was immediately after finding out he had a son and even from seeing how one setback with his Abuela not being able to take care of Christopher had Eddie stressed out and what did Buck do to help them out he had their back and got them the help they needed

And with the introduction of Shannon coming in afterwards we then learn how yes they are married, but they have never acted like a married couple and it was also partially due to the way that Eddie was raising in a Catholic upbringing and how he felt it was more of an obligation to get married after finding out that Shannon was pregnant and signing up for the military and have Shannon’s back in that way to make sure he provided financially for her and their son, but again we can tell just from his actions alone that yes he loved Shannon, but he was never truly in love with her, so yes Eddie had Shannon’s back, but not in the way that Buck has had their back since day one

[matan4il]

Buddie 616 meta

Maybe I’ll start with Eddie confirming something I’d already discussed in my meta posts more than once before, most recently in my 614 meta, which is that he married Shannon because she got pregnant. He heavily insinuated this to Bobby back in 217, but now he said it explicitly, to everyone, and without the same kind of weight which we saw from him in the past. I think this change is indicative of how he IS healing from the trauma of how badly his marriage failed and how guilty he’s felt over it, now that he’s capable of talking about it more lightly than he did before. I love that for our boy. ~~

Speaking of these men actually being boys, moron husbands, partners in dumbness, we got Buck and Eddie sharing one brain cell and NOT putting it to good use. Even though in the overall scheme of 911 things, that might not seem that significant, I have to say I just love seeing them like that. It’s FUN seeing them being morons who support each other in the way they try to deal with Chim thinking that just popping the question to Maddie is enough, or in Eddie supporting Buck’s dumbass suggestion of a flash mob, or just being pressed together in the fire truck ‘coz they never have any personal boundaries with each other and they don’t understand why those would even be needed (seriously, don’t think too long about how all of a sudden five people had to squeeze in the back instead of four, and OF COURSE it would be Buck and Eddie rubbing thighs together, because no other pair out of the whole team is as comfortable with each other’s bodies). This may not be the deepest part of their bond, but it IS a part of it, a consistent one, the daily partnership that’s the foundation for the big, important, profound parts. ~~

Once again, we get a demonstration of how the way Buck and Eddie are with each other is different to how they act with their other friends. Even when Eddie is exasperated with Buck, he never actually gets upset, he just tries to get Buck to focus, like we saw him in 516. But with Ravi, Eddie does kinda snap.

Buck as well, when he hears some unpleasant truths about Madney from Hen, there’s no fondness underlining their talk, as much as we know that they DO love each other and have a sibling-like relationship. But compare that to how insufferably affectionate the glances that Buddie exchanged in 504 were as Eddie did essentially the same thing for Buck. ~~

And then of course, we see how Hen has Chimney’s back in this ep, putting his well being first, but she does end up hurting him. They talk it over, and within the same ep she apologizes, he forgives her, everything is resolved, and they move. It’s lovely, but think about the difference in intensity between this and what Buddie went through back in s3. Buck files the lawsuit that would stop him from seeing Eddie in 304. Then the very reserved Eddie has a public meltdown, in the middle of a store, and right in front of his colleagues, because he can’t deal with Buck not being in his life. In fact, that’s the final straw that makes Eddie turn to street fighting. Not only that, because the intensity of his feelings overwhelms him, he doesn’t even directly express his hurt, he uses Chris to convey how much Eddie himself is missing Buck. When Buck realizes just how much pain he unintentionally caused, he wants to apologize, but Eddie is too hurt to be able to hear him out right away. It’s only in 306 that they finally talk, Eddie forgives Buck and then we get the beauty of their hug. But this is STILL not the final piece, no. The show will get back to this in the kitchen scene in 309, where Buck shows Eddie he’s worth apologizing to a second time (even though he’s not even asking Buck to), and the final shot of this is the domestic image of Buddifer on the couch, playing video games together. This is when we know that all is TRULY forgiven, when we get to see them once more as a family unit. Because that’s what they are on top of being best friends, like Hen and Chimney. ~~

I’ll point out that Madney and Buddie paralleling is not new. This has been an ongoing theme since Buck and Chim’s new love interests were both introduced in 201, and since Madney got their onset in 206. The very fact that Maddie thinking Chim’s cute is revealed through a dialogue between the Buckley siblings that also indicates Buck sees Eddie in the same light says it all. I have also gone on about how Buck and Maddie served as truth tellers, voicing their sibling’s crush back to them, I have talked about how Madney were friends first, incredibly domestic friends with their own intertwined routine, before they became explicitly romantic, I wrote a whole meta post about the parallels between Madney and Buddie in 512, and now I can add to this. Because Madney easily fell into the comfort of domestic life, Chim told us this week that got in the way of them stopping to make their commitment official. That’s in a sense Buddie’s story, too. They’ve been building their lives and family unit together without even clocking that they can and should stop to figure out what this thing between them is, and commit to it.

~~ (my weekly meta posts) (my Buddie gifs) (all of my content)

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