#and why is there still so much shame tied to it thats so fucking dumb to e

[realitysurfing]

finding out who i am at 23 is like wow i guess i don't actually hate affection i just hate when men are near me. its like oh i guess the only thing about marriage and commitment that actually scared me was the prospect of a man being there. Ohh right like i guess if i didn't reject who i was at 14 i wouldn't be here but there's really no going back now. its like damn if i had known this 4 years ago i probably would've told that girl that i love/d her right right.. its like if i had let myself know this prior to like 6 months ago maybe the world would have always been this bright. OK cool

[onetomb-art]

Step, Drag

A Doll finds something unusual, voting ensues! (tw for mild slur use, about 1300 words long)

Step. Draaaaag. Step. Draaaaag. Step. Draaaaaaaag.

<Z-Cptn> You know, this is just like that one campfire story. With the escaped inmate?

<DosEquis> not helping

<Hi5> Campfire story? Do tell, you’ve piqued my interest!

<DosEquis> guys can this wait

<Z-Cptn>  Oh i can’t remember all the details, but it was something about an escaped serial killer on the loose in a summer camp, but he was still handcuffed to a cop, so he had to drag the body, and it was all like. Step. Draaaaag. Step, Draaaaag.

<Hi5>  Fascinating!

<DosEquis> guys i think hes really hurt

<777> Zee you dumbass thats not how it goes! 

<777> Its supposed to be a prisoner with one of those old-timey ball and chains on his leg

<Z-Cptn> What? Since when?

<777> Since fuckin always, who drags around a dead cop? You can break handcuffs like, so fuckin easily.

<Sixaphone> you can?

<Hi5> I don’t believe that’s correct, dear Sev. Handcuffs are made of quality materials, or else suspects would always be getting out of them, don’t you think?

<777> BULLSHIT

<777> Cuffs are fuckin weaksauce its just a chain link, plus you see people break them in movies all the time

<Z-Cptn> Movies are different from real life.

<777> Movies are basically real life!!! Movies are more real than real life, fuckin fight me

<Z-Cptn> [Called a vote: “Are movies the same as real life?”]

<Z-Cptn> [voted]

<777> [voted]

<Sixaphone> [voted]

<Hi5> [voted]

<777> …

<777> well?!?

<Z-Cptn> Hang on, it's tied.

<Z-Cptn> @<DosEquis> We need you to vote.

<DosEquis> are you fucking kidding me

<777> Dont be such a fuckin killjoy babe! It takes like, two seconds

<DosEquis> hes hurt bad i dont have time for this

<777> Dude hes like. Wayyyyyyy dead. Just leave him there and vote so i can show everyone what a fuckin idiot Zee is

<DosEquis> hes not dead

<DosEquis> i saw him move

<DosEquis> [voted]

[Vote concluded. Vote results: 40% “Obviously Not”,  60% “Yes(???)”. “Yes(???)” is the victor with five votes counted.]

<777> YES

<777> FUCK YES

<Z-Cptn> What???

<Hi5> Who would possibly vote “Yes”?

<777> SMART PEOPLE!!

<777> THATS FUCKIN WHO!!!1!

<DosEquis> i just clicked to get rid of the popup

<777> STILL COUNTS!!!!

<Z-Cptn> Wait, then that means that @<Sixaphone> voted for you too.

<Z-Cptn>  @<Sixaphone>, you don’t actually think movies are real life, do you?

<Sixaphone> um

<Sixaphone> no

<Sixaphone> i just

<777> JEEZ Zee lay off her thats like, voter intimidation its hella illegal you could go to jail

<Sixaphone> wait what

<Z-Cptn> Its not “voter intimidation”, i just wanted to make sure she knows the difference between *fiction* and *reality*.

<Sixaphone> please dont send Miss Zero to jail

<Sixaphone> im sorry

<777> Youre fine Six, its an expression

<Z-Cptn> I’m not going to jail, don’t worry. Seven was just attempting to make a crude joke. 

<Sixaphone> oh, ok

<Sixaphone> sorry

<TriAsIMight> Good morning everyooone!!!

<TriAsIMight> What’d I miss???

<Hi5> Oh, Salutations! We were having a discussion about movies and campfire stories! Would you like a recap?

<Sixaphone> good morning!

<TriAsIMight> WAIT 

<TriAsIMight> IS THAT A DEAD BODY???

<777> yes!

<DosEquis> no.

<Z-Cptn> We’re not quite sure, actually.

<TriAsIMight> WHAT

<TriAsIMight> EXPLAIN?!?

<777> Twos been on a murder spree, its been like fuckin rambo first blood over here

<TriAsIMight> ???

<Z-Cptn> That is blatantly incorrect.

<Hi5> I thought that the entire point of the “Rambo: First Blood” film was that the titular character did *not* go on a murder spree.

<777> Never seen it tbh

<Z-Cptn> There’s not really that much to explain, really. Two was piloting, in salvage mode, digging through some of the old office blocks, when she found this guy collapsed in a pile of blood. Recovery protocol kicked in, and now she’s attempting to drag the guy to safety. Does that seem about right, @<DosEquis>?

<DosEquis> left out the part where hes heavy as fuck

<DosEquis> but yeah

<DosEquis> basically

<TriAsIMight> JEEEZ

<TriAsIMight> That is effed up!!!

<DosEquis> thank you holy shit finally

<TriAsIMight> That sounds so stressful like what the F!!!

<DosEquis> THANK you

<DosEquis> im over here trying to save this guys life while yall are calling votes over dumb shit

<TriAsIMight> I can’t believe you all!!! Discussing movies and even calling a vote while Two is out there risking her life to save a person she doesn’t even know!!! Shame on you all!!!

<777> Ugh, youre not our fuckin mom, fuck OFF with all that shit

<Hi5> I agree with Seven, the lecture is hardly necessary. 

<Z-Cptn> Come on now. 

<TriAsIMight> We have to do something!!!

<Z-Cptn> Why don’t we ask her if she needs help with anything first. @<DosEquis>?

<DosEquis> i dont know what yall could do right now im

<DosEquis> hang on

<DosEquis> uh oh

<TriAsIMight> uh oh???

<DosEquis> theres a ladder

<Hi5> Ah, so there is. That could prove troublesome with your heavy new friend, I’m afraid.

<DosEquis> yeah i just

<DosEquis> im not sure how to get him down safely

<777> Drop the fucker, i wanna see if he bounces

<DosEquis> what no

<DosEquis> maybe if i just

<DosEquis> no

<Z-Cptn> It doesn’t seem like that far of a drop, you could lower him down feet first and then drop him? You might break his ankles, but that seems like the least of his worries. 

<DosEquis> guys

<Z-Cptn> [Called a vote: “Should she drop him?”]

<777> [voted]

<DosEquis> seriously

<Z-Cptn> [voted]

<TriAsIMight> [voted]

<Hi5> [voted]

<Sixaphone> [voted]

<Z-Cptn> @<DosEquis> Are you going to vote?

<DosEquis> yall are assholes

<DosEquis> [voted]

[Vote concluded. Vote results: 50% “Drop him”,  50% “Try another way”. The vote is a tie with six votes counted.]

<777> Well that was fuckin pointless

<DosEquis> can we stop with all the votes this is really annoying when im trying to work

<DosEquis> im gonna tie a rope to his waist i just gotta find a rope

<Z-Cptn> Voting is a useful tool for quick decision making!

<Hi5> Well said, hear hear!

<TriAsIMight> Don’t you all think the voting is distracting for her??? 

<777> lol yeah 

<Z-Cptn> Distracting? It's one button push. 

<DosEquis> ok i found some rope and ive got him tied

<DosEquis> gonna lower him down now

<Hi5> Ah, the moment of truth! Drumroll, everyone…

<TriAsIMight> Shut up, let her concentrate!!!

<777> Fuck off youre not the boss of me you dumb bimbo

<TriAsIMight> HEY???

<Z-Cptn> Play nice you two.

<777> Yeah, play nice you fucking piece o

<777> HOLY SHIT

<TriAsIMight> OH MY GOSH NO!!!

<Hi5> Oh dear.

<DosEquis> fuck

<DosEquis> the rope snapped

<Sixaphone> is he okay?

<777> HES TOTALLY FUCKIN DEAD BITCH

<Sixaphone> oh no

<Z-Cptn> We don’t know that, Two can you peek over the edge so we can see how hes doing?

<DosEquis> i dont want to

<777> Congrats on your first successful snuff film babe, this ones going on liveleak!

<Z-Cptn> Seven cut it out. Two, i need you to peek over the edge for me.

<DosEquis> no

<777> DO IT DO IT DO IT

<DosEquis> no i really dont want to

<TriAsIMight> We can’t help him if we can’t see him, you have to be brave!!!

<DosEquis> fucking fine

<777> YES YES YES YES

<Hi5> At least try to hide your murderboner, Seven. 

<777> BITE ME

<777> Aw

<TriAsIMight> He looks like he might be okay!!! That bush looks like it cushioned his fall…

<DosEquis> thank fuck 

<Sixaphone> he moved

<DosEquis> wait holy shit youre right

<DosEquis> hes moving

<TriAsIMight> Hes alive!!!

<DosEquis> i think he sees me

<Z-Cptn> Is he saying something? He’s moving his mouth.

<DosEquis> yeah hang on let me give yall audio

<DosEquis> [Input audio source “not dead guy”]

[‘not dead guy’] -OU FUCKING RETARDED MACHINE WHAT THE FUCK YOU BROKE MY FUCKING RIBS YOU [Incomprehensible] ILL FUCKING HAVE YOU SCRAPPED WHO THE [Incomprehensible] [Incomprehensible] ILL 

<DosEquis> [Removed audio source “not dead guy”]

<DosEquis>...

<DosEquis>...

<DosEquis> [Called a vote: “Hey can i kill him?”]

[isitbussinjanelle]

@moon-spirit-yue sapphic yearnings…kinda??😁

So close…yet so far at the same time😭

Namaari: [tied up and unconscious]

Raya: [setting up the stage] Ba! Are those cords out of the way?

Benja: [sighs] yes Raya, for the 30th time. Why is this so important?

Raya: oh nothing- alright now go away! I need her to think that I set all of this up by my self.

Benja: wha- alright I’ll just see my old ass out then 🙄

Sisu: hey girl.

Raya: hey Sisu! Can you go spray Namaari with water to wake her?

Sisu, plotting: okay. :) [walks over to her]

Sisu, to Namaari: why hello there.

Namaari: [still passed out]

Raya: okay- SISU IS SHE AWAKE?!

Sisu, knowing damn well she isn’t: YEP! Say hi Namaari, [imitation] hi Raya gr gr gr I like knives

Raya: okay um- hi Namaari. So I know that you and I haven’t gotten along much like- like ever, but after all this chasing that you’ve done with me, it’s really made me realize my feelings for you, and I finally understand why you’ve been chasing me. It’s because you love me. And I was blind for so long, but not anymore. So I would like to sing you this song, so you can truly feel my feelings towards you.

*Raya is now singing https://youtu.be/vGJTaP6anOU*

Sisu: aww…girls actually got a nice voice. A shame you can’t hear it though. [leans down to pat Namaari’s shoulder] why are you almost as tall as me while on your knees-

Raya, finished: okay um…so Namaari what do you think? Do you…do you feel the same?

*silence*

Raya: Namaari? Hello?

Namaari: [slighlty snores]

Raya: 😧

Sisu, faking it: [gasp] DAYUM GIRL SHE FELL ASLEEP WHILE YOU POURED YOUR HEART OUT TO HER?! HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?!

Raya: UGH! Namaari I can’t believe you! I did all of this, setting up, finding a good song, and buildingthis fucking stage, and all for you to what- FALL ASLEEP?!

Namaari: [waking up] what huh- where am I-

Raya: OH DONT YOU TRY PLAYING DUMB WITH ME.

Namaari, confused af: R-Raya? What are you doing here- why am I tied up? Isn’t that supposed to be my thing?

Raya: uh uh. Don’t try speaking to me now. I HATE YOU NAMAARI DONT EVER FORGET IT [runs off crying]

Namaari: [tears up a little] W-wait she hates me? Why what did I do?

Sisu: you fell asleep during her performance. 😁

Namaari: which was..?

Sisu: oh nothing…just her pouring her heart out to you. She sang that Elvis Presley song-

Namaari: oh please don’t tell me which-

Sisu: “Cant Help Falling In Love”. Yep. A classic. :)

Namaari: so you mean to tell me that the girl I’ve loved for years just told me she loved me back in song form and I was unconscious the entire time.

Sisu: yep.

Namaari: WHY DIDNT ANYONE SPRAY ME WITH WATER OR SOMETHING TO GET ME UP

Sisu: GIRL THATS YOUR OWN FAULT FOR BEING OUT

Namaari: NO ITS NOT I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED

Namaari:

Namaari: RAYA NO NO PLEASE COME BACK I HEARD THE SONG EVERY BIT OF IT [running after her, hands still tied together] I-I LOVE YOU TOO JUST PLEASE STOP WALKING SO FAST

Raya: FUCK OFF [hops on Tuk Tuk] GO! [rolls away]

Namaari: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO [falls to her knees in tears] CURSE YOU UNIVERSE [shakes her hands at the sky]😭

Sisu: [chuckles] yes! I was born to cause problem. :P

[cannibalisticshadows]

Nightcall (2/2)

[ao3 Link] .    [Part One]

Megamind drops out of the media. Though the media doesn’t drop him.

The spike in his frequent fights with Metro Man has done a complete 360, much to the relief of the locals and to the disappointment of tourists. The news and media alike have leaped onto his sudden change like scavengers to fresh offal. Talk of his recent rendezvous, or lack thereof, are on everyone’s mind.

“He’s a maniac,” some talk-show host said into the speaker, hunched over a desk looking quite aggressive. The screen of the television baths the blue alien in a dull electronic glow illuminated his reflective eyes. He frowns at the person but having no good point to disagree. He’s just offended someone would be so bold to jump into the obvious.

“He’s a maniac, and Metro Man has been taking his sweet-ass time in trying to bring this alien-fuck down. Sure, sure, all-righteous and no-killing and what not. I’m sorry but he’s just pious.” Not just ballsy, but controversial. “My only guess as to why Megamind has abruptly vanished like a phantom is because our city’s hero finally grew a pair and kicked his skinny blue ass into the next life. And by God will none of us miss him. Look at what a shit-show he’s turned this city into—“

Megamind turns the TV off by throwing the remote so hard that it shatters the screen.

Sighing, he crawls out of his little nest of blankets and decides it’s time. He’s been procrastinating enough; he’s done nothing for the past two weeks and it’s getting to his head.

His plan to tell Roxanne started out sounding like the only resort to fixing him and his dumb extraterrestrial make-up, but he’s been pushing it off since he got home the last time he broke out of prison. Who knew he could really raise some hell by simply doing nothing.

Roxanne has made few appearances on television since her last kidnapping. Sadly enough, due to his absence, she had little to do (at least, to the public eye). She was the main reporter, focusing on Metro City’s star inhabitancies. Metro Man had nothing much to do besides helping little old ladies or getting cats from trees—not worthy of making an emergency announcement on the news.

And since he hasn’t seen her, he’s going into such a stump he’s made several near attempts to just show up at her place with no spray. How would she respond?

Well, he’d find out tonight.

He filled the invisible car up with his home-made energy source, making sure it wouldn’t run on empty. Tonight he was going out, far enough to reach the boonies.

And he wouldn’t be alone.

Megamind, unsure of how she’d react but knowing this would be practically life or death for him, grabbed a few essentials. The de-gun. Knock-out spray. Rope. You know. The usual. This had to go as smooth as possible for him to get serious with her, to assure her he’d never bother her again as long as he got this off his chest so he could wallow in misery with a peace of mind.

So, making sure she’s home with the affirmation from one of his spy-bots, Megamind packs up his things in the car and zooms out of the Lair before Minion can so much as ask “Where are you going, Sir?”

When he gets to her building, he uses a brainbot to fly him up to her balcony. She never locks it (Oh, Roxanne, I do question your sanity sometimes), so when he pushes the glass doors open, he enters a relatively quiet domain.

The lights over her tiny kitchen are on, illuminating her one-person apartment. Sniffing, and catching the remnants of her perfume, he follows it until—

“Mega—“ Before he gives her time to even finish saying his self-given name, he whips around and gives her a reasonably large dose of spray. She gasps, eyes roll up, and her body drops in a dead weight. Flinging out an arm he catches her, unable to keep his hungry eyes from the expanse of her pale, bare neck. Megamind splays his fingers across her bare, marveling at seeing her for the first time in weeks. It’s been too long.

Tonight she’s wearing civvies. A pair of dark wash skinny jeans and a white peasant blouse with little red and blue flowers along the neck and sleeves. She’s missed a barber appointment, he thinks, as her hair is exactly two centimeters longer than usual. Her hair’s also a bit damp, curling ever so slightly at the very ends. She not wearing makeup, either, letting him see all of her little brown freckles dusting her cheeks, like little stars in a milky white setting. He licks his lips.

Megamind ties her wrists and covers her mouth with a cheap duck tape. He’s never taped her mouth shut before, but for once he doesn’t want her screaming or complaining. And despite every Hollywood movie where the bad guy tapes the victim’s mouth shut, it’s very possible to remove it without the use of hands.

He carries her out bridal style, whistling for the brainbot to bring him back to the car. Once on the ground, he tucks her into the passenger seat and pulls the belt on, all before getting in himself.

And then he drives. He drives for a long time, content for the moment to sit in silence beside the soft rumble of the car’s engine.

Swerving through Metro City’s night traffic, the city lights gleaming in this never sleeping place, he keeps his head low as he goes, so stressed he finds himself clutching the wheel so hard it threatens to snap. The leather of his gloves scrunches.

They (he; she’s still knocked out) drive out of the midnight city into the rolling countryside, past the lake and past the forests. Lush green hillsides and vast farm lands. He can hear the road scratch under the car tires as asphalt turns into gravel and dirt.

After about forty minutes of driving, he can tell Roxanne is beginning to stir. Quickly, he pulls up beside a huge oak tree in the middle of no where, and void of another living soul for miles.

Well. There is a cow outside but it’s like, ten feet away minding its own business.

As the car comes to a stop, he turns the key and all is instantly quiet.

With a soft grunt, Roxanne squirms in her seat and consciousness slowly comes to. He doesn’t watch her, choosing to star at his bony knees and twiddle his thumbs. All he can hear is her movements, and his own rapidly beating heart.

“M…Mmm?” Her eyes slowly open, blinking in the dim atmosphere. Her eyes then open wider, and she looks around for the usual sights of a kidnapping. Seeing as they’re only in the car, and her mouth is taped, she abruptly begins to struggle.

“Wait!” He says frantically, trying to calm her like one would do for a wild horse. “It’s okay! This isn’t a kidnapping! Well, technically it is but it’s just us—“

“MMM!?” She starts to work her mouth through the tape in earnest, tongue visibly trying to lick at the stickiness.

“Please, wait! This is—I just want to tell you something. Something… important. I promise on my ancestors that you have full permission and more to beat me outside but… please. Just listen to me. Please, Miss Ritchi.”

Her struggling stops, and she turns to him with a suspicious glare. He bows his head, flushing in shame. She hates me.

Though she’s trapped him under an intense stare, snaring him more than he had with her, Roxanne goes still as if awaiting for whatever stupid thing he’s got to say to her.

“I… want to apologize, for my behavior two weeks ago. It was unforgivable.”

“Mm.”

“But—I… I…”

She glares harder. Ashamed of himself, he turns his stare to the dashboard.

“I love you.”

He doesn’t look up to catch her reaction, but she doesn’t respond verbally.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” He bangs his forehead against the steering wheel with each confession, feeling all the pint up emotions in him pouring out like water from a broken dam. It burns his insides with glorious relief and bittersweet shame all at once. Yet it keeps flowing. “And I’m so, so sorry. It’s—not my choice, Miss Ritchi. I can’t help it. My b-body…Ah—s—“ he stutters, so anxious it’s close to making him piss himself. He can feel it claw at this throat, threatening tears. “My species… we d-don’t have crooches, like a human. We… fall in love. Hard. And once. Only once. Once and only with one person. And that’s it. We mate for life, like doves. Or beavers. Wolves. I-It doesn’t matter. But once the relationship is formed that’s it. Cheating or finding a second love if the other leaves or dies is purely an earthly concept. My own p-parents, they—they only had eyes for each other. Sex or romance wasn’t even a concept I understood before I met y—…. I didn’t chose you, Miss Ritchi. I didn’t want this to happen. You don’t deserve this. I’ve already turned your life into a living hell, and for that I cannot apologize enough, even onto my grave. My transgressions are unforgivable. Yet, even being here on Earth I cannot…. There is no place for me. My planet, it’s… I’m all that’s left. And Minion. I didn’t think I could possibly imprint on anyone, much less a human, in this way. Yet… I am so sorry. It’s all my fault. I should have known…”

She’s fidgeting ever so softly beside him, he hears the crinkle of the tape.

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until he takes in a staggering breath, wet tears rolling down his sharp face and trickling on his lips. Salty like the sea.

He can’t bring himself to speak again in fear of weeping like a damn baby, but he feels as vulnerable as one in the moment. Weak. Childish. Pathetic.

The car falls into a silence, with his shaky breaths and a light breeze rolling against the windows. Other than that, it’s as quiet as a void. He glances at her from the corner of his eye, and sees her staring outside at the cow as if it had done something personal to disrespect her.

They sit in silence for a long time.

“I’m done,” he suddenly says.

He hears her move around again.

“I’m… I’m done. With this business,” he gestures to himself in general, to the car, to his gun. “I mean, there are things you don’t know about. Things I’ve done behind cameras. In the underworld. I’ve committed enough sins to last multiple lifetimes over. There’s blood on my hands. Miss Ritchi. Like you wouldn’t believe. And… I’m going to give it up. I can’t keep doing this…

“This such a archaic concept for me. Aah, uh, did you know… Of course you wouldn’t… The males, sometimes even the females, of my kind have to… catch the other sometimes. To express that they feel the same way. Avoids miscommunication or misplaced feelings. My own father… had to sneak into my mother’s household as teenagers to propose to her. It’s—I didn’t even realize it until recently I was courting you! Unconsciously! I’m—God I’m so sorry, Miss Ritchi. I just need to go away. “

She lets out a muffled sound again.

“I’m moving from this place,” he looks around at the vast farmland, the dot of the city in the distance, reflected by his rear-view mirror. “Romania sounds nice. I do a lot of business over there. Lots of forests and hillsides where there’s no one for miles. I can’t bother you or anyone out th—”

Roxanne suddenly spits.

Looking over to her in surprise, he sees she has vanquished the duck tape and has rolled it up in her mouth to spit it onto the dashboard. Turning on one hip, she faces him with such a glower it chills him to the very bone.

“Don’t. You. Dare,” she hisses.

He shrinks in his seat.

“Don’t you dare drop this on me and say you’re just gonna leave!” She yells, pulling against her taped wrists. He opens his mouth to let out a string of never ending apologies, but—she’s starting to cry, he sees, much to his absolute horror. Has he truly upset her this bad? He really was a monster.

“How—you stupid, stupid man,” she cries out, and suddenly—he sees her raise her arms, still taped by the wrist, and he honestly thinks he’s about to be hit when—

She loops her arms around his big blue head and latches onto his neck, yanking him closer and making him clumsily fall onto the stick shift as—

Her mouth is on his. So hard do their mouths come together that their teeth clack, faces clashing together he barely has time to process what’s happening. Gasping, hands wild and unsure in the air as she seemingly tries to suck his soul out, but—he knows what’s happening, mildly, but a bigger part of him is convinced he’s dreaming or hit his head.

The feeling of her lips touching his, though, is electrifying. Every nerve in his body begins to sing and scream all at once, overwhelming him with a sensation override. She moans and presses closer, both of them awkward and clumsy as they clutch at the other from opposite seats. Clutched… he feels his hand involuntarily grab her waist, holding his close but terrified he’s mixing the signals. It feels so so so good, though, and—

She pulls away before he can even realize he was responding back, albeit unsurely. Arms locked around his neck, he mentally curses himself for tying her up. But. It felt like the thing to do at the time.

“You listen to me you son of a bitch,” she viciously spats. “You come to my place, ten’o’freakin’clock at night, and tell me you love me only then to say you’re leaving? What the actual hell!?”

He attempts to pull back, hide in his shell, run away from her furious reprimand, but his neck is still trapped by her arms. Shit. Really a bad decision to tie her up. The alien’s prepared to say something, anything, to show how much of a lowly creature he is in her light, but all that comes out of his throat are choked warbles and whimpers. “I—“

She sniffles.

He meets her eyes in surprise to see two glassy blue orbs meeting his. Frantically, he try to console the weepy female by nervously patting her back. “Ah—M-Miss Ritchi—“

“You were such an A-hole,” she says, sobbing. “Megamind, for once you were actually cruel. It scared me.”

“Oh, oh my dear—No, no, my sweet, no! I wasn’t—“ he swallows. “I wasn’t trying to be cruel. I was just frustrated. With myself. With my instincts. I—if I behaved any less I would have made a fool of myself.”

“Well, you already did that by yelling at me, you cabbage.”

“I-I’m sorry.”

“You made me feel like a whore the last kidnapping.”

He remembers that dress she wore. Wine red, rimmed in black. His... comment to it. Megamind bows his head and clenches his whole body. “I am sorry.”

“And you made me worry about you. I haven’t seen you in weeks.”

Confused, he looks up at her. Roxanne then pulls at her arms and lets him go from between them. Gesturing with her wrists, he catches her drift and pulls out his trusted butterfly knife and whips it out, glad to have something to do with a tool he’s familiar with. Nothing else felt familiar; alien and strange.

As the plastic finally rips away, her skin safe from his sharp little friend, she wraps her hands around his neck and yanks him to her again. Eyes wide, he numbly feels her kiss him a few quick, consecutive times before—

She slaps him in the chest.

He’s nearly got a concussion from how bad the whiplash is.

“Is it true?” Roxanne demands. He’s unable to speak. “Is it true? Do you love m—“

“Yes. Yes, I love you. A million times over.”

This little woman shakes her head, eyes glistening with something he can’t begin to understand. He feels like he’s drowning, with a weight tied to his feet to prevent him to swimming to the surface. He can't breath. She then grabs onto his shoulders. Shaking her head again, she says, “Then don’t go to Romania. Don’t leave Metro City. This place is our-your home.”

“Miss Ritchi, I can’t… stay around you anymore,” his voice breaks. “I can’t without—“

Her lips are on his again.

Shocked, but rapidly trying to learn this new skill she’s apparently trying to teach him, he responds as best he can. Periwinkle blue to unpainted pink, their lips press against each other, seining the warmth and the wet of the other’s mouth. He once saw this activity between lovers an unsanitary and strange thing, but now he understands its meaning. His lips are quite sensitive, and this kissing sets his body to flame, scrambling towards something he can’t seem to catch.

When she pulls away, he follows her, not wanting this connection to end. A tiny bead of saliva snaps between them as their lips depart.

“For such a genius, you can be unbelievably dense.” She cups his face. “I love you Megamind."

What.

"God, I love you. And your behavior, this month—I thought you’d finally lost it. Or just got tired of me.”

His first instinct is to respond yes, yes he has lost it, completely and utterly, but—

“You—you what—“

Roxanne shakes her head again, this time smiling so wide that it nearly reaches her ears, all pearly whites on display for him. She lets him go, finally, letting him think straight. Which is bad because his brain runs in about five hundred directions. Blinking rapidly to disperse the tears in her wet lashes, she continues with, “I’m glad you told me this. Because—I was considering on moving as well.”

He jolts in his seat.

“I sometimes get job offers in other places. This time… I had an offer in Liverpool.”

“Leeverpul!? What’s can you find in Leeverpul?”

“I like the British accent. And it’s far, far away from here.”

Hapless, he stares at his knees.

“Hey,” she pulls him out of his stupor. “Look at me. That’s better. Now. That stuff you said about… imprinting on me? Is that true, too?”

“All of it,” he breaths.

Roxanne nods her head and leans back against the leather seats. “Then listen to me. I love you with all of my heart. I have for a long time, Megamind. So it hurt me, so, so much with how much of a dick you were suddenly turning into. You may as well have stabbed me in the heart.” He winces. “And then you just up and vanished. Gone. Everyone is talking about you!”

He can’t believe what she’s saying. It’s nothing like he ever imagined happening in any probable outcome of this. She… actually… returned his feelings? What??? What witchcraft is this!? He really must’ve bumped his head hard!

“I... know. I see the news. I see my lack of an appearance in the public eye has given you less work… Ah, are you sleeping better?”

She looks at him in confusion.

“You were always falling asleep.”

Roxanne lets out a loud sigh. “I know… I know…”

“Why.” It isn’t a question.

“I always thought you were just a bit ol’sweetheart that grew up on the wrong side of the law. I fall in love with you a little harder every time you goof around like that. I hate that you’re always destroying something or trying to start a fight, but it was a little endearing.” She lets out another loud exhale. “And then you started acting like I was shit under your shoe.”

“N—!“

She raises a hand, and he immediately goes silent.

"So I started drinking. Tried to drink the pain away. But that doesn't work," her voice breaks a bit.

He wants to bang his head against the wall.

“And I hate that you dragged me out here,” she motions toward the countryside. “You don’t have to ship yourself off to God knows where, but stopping the kidnapping would be nice. Even if it’s apart of your… culture.”

“Whatever-Whatever you desire," he swears reverently.

“What I desire,” she says, placing a hand on his knee, “is for you to take me home.”

He nods, expecting that answer.

“And I want you to come up with me. We’re gonna have a talk.”

“O-kay...?”

Suddenly she leans over again and presses his lips to his cheek. With his breath hitching, because its still a lovely, foreign feel to him, she adds, “And then I’m going to show you how much I love you, too.”

“W—“

“I know you, Megamind. I can see it in your face. Now. Take us home, sweetheart.” She kisses his lips again.

This time he knows what to do, and copies her actions better than before. It feels like fireworks.

He’s glad he told her.

[tumblunni]

Also yeah while im on the subject

I really hate fantasy settings where magic is limited by biological sex. Because usually its used to enforce some sort of stupid gender stereotype that the writer believes is "biologically innate" rather than predjudice, by making up a world where it actually is biologically innate. Or its like "oh but women cant do those jobs" but again, a made up excuse for it to be LITERALLY TRUE. And usually they either dont even touch on the subject of trans and gay people (since it often conflates heterosexuality with gender...) or else it actually does bring it up and just creates a cavalcade of even more everything-ism...

Like i mean i love the game Jade Coccoon and considering it came out in the early 2000s i can understand it being more sexist, and its supossed to be a dark game anyway and a lot of the societal structures in Syrus Village are meant to be wrong and evil even if the characters act like its the way the world should be. The villain of the game is basically the toxic atmosphere of your shitty town and their paranoia of things they don't understand. Tho that means the player kinda has no motivation to finish it cos the main conflict is also saving those same villagers from dying and theyre all fucks. Anyway i'm going offtopic! What i mena is that i dont think it was a particularly sexist example of the inexplicable gender segregated magic trope. But just cos its a fave game of mine im gonna pick it to talk about anyway. Hope i dont sound too negative on it, cos seriously i love it loads!

Ok so to use Jade Cocoon as an example, here its a thing that only men can be cocoon masters and only women can be nagi. Tho it also gets a bit complicated because nagi is also an ethnicity as well? Its kinda like being romani, they're a race of displaced people who travel the world giving their magical services to other countries while searching for their lost homeland, which you end up finding at the end of the game. So yeah its extra weird cos male children of the nagi race are born with no powers whatsoever and cant even become cocoon masters, yet they get the ruling position in this homeland place? Like thats a better metaphor for how christian societies work, honestly!

Anyway im going offtopic again!

Basically, cocoon master = adventurer dude who catches monsters, nagi = magician who purifies those monsters so you can use them in battle. So when you catch stuff it becomes an inventory item rather than being able to use it on your team right away. And also nagi women can fuse monsters together to make super badass new ones and basically the gameplay system works really well to make you believe your wife is absolutely necessary to your quest and you would die without her, even if she cant fight. And honestly its actually kinda romantic! I just wish it wasnt presented as this weird sacred heterosexuality arranged marriage nonsense where all women are physically unable to go to a dungeon and all men are physically unable to not fight every day. Or at least thats how the powers work and if you try and step out of that role you fuckin die. Like it would be romantic to have a couple of a battle partner and a supporter magician if they actually chose it, yknow?

And whats annoying is that they actually do bring up the subject of people defying gender roles and canonically state that you not omly die but bring a curse upon everyone and are hated forever. They dont mention trans or gay people, instead the excuse is that a man loved his wife so much that he tried to learn nagi magic to lift the burden from her. Cos oh yeaj women get 'punished' by god for doing this magic?? Cursed tattoos all over their body the more they use it, and everyone hates them and eventually they turn into a fairy and forget they were ever human. And in the japanese version you can actually fight other nagi women who met this fate, theyre just another monster that you can fight and capture. They were censored in english cos they looked like really racist stereotypes of black women! Ugh! So yeah anyway nice straight husband is punished by the magic straightness enforcing rules of the universe for loving his straight wife too much. So what is the even point? If a man tries to use nagi magic it creates the "black cocoon" of cursed doomness and blah. Literal punishment for not conforming to gender. Damned if you do, damned if you don't!

Anyway this setting always made me wonder about all the stuff it just glosses over with this implication that every one of these relationships worked out fine. Like even before we rub lgbtq topics all over a retro videogame, there's a lot of logical holes! Like seriously how many of these arranged marriages ended up loveless or abusive? How many women just didnt want to stay confined to one room forever and not even have anyone look at them because their magic markings are shameful yet its also shameful not to want to do it?? How many men were terrified of going out on this advebture fighting literal demigods sent by heaven to punish humans? How many of them just had no ability to fight and died immediately because of shitty traditions, while perfectly qualified women had to sit there and watch it happen? What if there werent enough straight men and women of the same age and people were forced into gross pedophilic shit or other horror scenarios just cos there has to be this one magical straight couple or the village dies? Whenever theres this stupid gender magic its ALWAYS portrayed as idyllic and never failing ever, unless *gasp* people dont follow the gendrules...

And then SERIOUSLY do no queer people exist in this universe?? Man i'd be so interested in their stories! I actually had an oc idea of a self insert version of me as a travelling merchant. Because maybe what if nonbinary people could do both sides of the magic at once and thus adventure alone without being tied to a village's straight marriage system? So i'd just go around purifying monsters and then be a place you could buy new and rare mons from other villages without having to catch them. Maybe an easier way to get the super rare drop fusion materials for tiger pattern and stuff? And like seriously itd be good to have a character to talk to who agrees that your village is made of assholes. I cant say its bad writing cos it was clearly intentional, but they shoulda at least put a bit more incentive to keep playing even if you didnt care about these people. Also it would help plug the plothole of how a village even survives if it doesnt have the required people to form this magical straight marriage. Have some mysterious enby avengers who travel all across the world and save everyone regardless of country! All we ask is you buy some of our lovely souveniers! Maybe a pet patalchu for your family? Seripusly why dont they ever show anyone using the purified monsters for anything other than fighting the unpurified ones? You'd think they'd be really useful in repairing the village and guarding the walls and like..regular industrial jobs. Help the place actually advance and not have to live day to day on scraps,bickering amoungst themselves as the monsters grow ever closer to breaking through. Hell, you could even have them help spin the cocoons for other monsters! If this magic only depends on having a dick or not, then cant we just dress up some animals in the magic straight marriage outfits? XD

And like aaaa man im getting so emotional just imagining a trans woman who's constabtly told she will literally bring about the apocolypse if she tries to fill the female role in this ritual. And then one day she tries to spin the magic silk and she thinks she's committing the ultimate sin and they were all right. But the magic responds to her touch, and she makes a spell more beautiful than any other woman in the village! It would probably be harder for a trans man cos the magic doesnt have so much of an immediate proof like that. Just going out and winning a fight with a monster can be called "dumb luck", and knowing these assholes they'd probably keep calling it dumb luck even after the thousandth time you save their life!

And man, i wonder how gay relationships would work in such an annoyingly strict system of enforced heterosexuality? Would it be like the magic isnt REALLY gender locked at all, and it can just be any couple with either partner taking either role? Or would it be that it is one magic per gender but the bigoted villagers were wrong about it being impossible to do things without both? Like maybe when you're going into battle alone as a single cocoon master you cant fight without catching other monsters. But when two cocoon masters love each other their magic is amplified and they become able to like.. I dunno.. Imbue each other with elemental strength so they can fight the monsters hand to hand? Cos really the elemental system is the only reason you cant do a no monsters run of the game as it is. Maybe since they cant purify monsters but they can still catch them, they equip the monsters as sort of a power rangers transformation? Or socket them like materia on their weapons? Or just if the world was less segregated into tiny sexist racist villages they could simply buy the purification coccoons from another local nagi, and villages without a coccoon master could buy the services of travelling ones. Oh, and maybe two nagi lesbians could be even more badass! Cos if they can only purify and not fight, maybe their double purification is so strong that they can just straight up walk into the forest and monsters don't attack them. They dont even need to do the full spell, they can calm a beastie's rage just by holding out their hand and patting it on the head. So they coukd be infinately more effective and not have to just tenporarily clear single travelling routes of a few monsters, but actually work towards slowly purifying the entire forest and creating a peaceful land again. Tho i mean the game did have a unique atmosphere with the whole 'no hope of ever beating them' aspect. It was unique to see a society formed around the idea of never going into forests or you Die. But magical lesbians and their family of a million pet dragons is honestly better!

And uhhhh ive gone all offtopic now and i camt stop thinking about how much i love magical lesbians with a million pet dragons

The End