#and why Taliesin apparently is unable to help him

[honeyxmonkey]

TalRin angst wip 🥰

[greylunar]

This Poem Is a Real Male Bathroom, For Real Men™️ Only.

“I know something is wrong when he turns around at the urinal.

Despite being new to this whole bathroom thing, I am certain that there is a rule about this specifically.

As he asks me what my name is, I wash my hands.

I almost say Miles, the name my mother says she would have given me if I was born a boy, but my brain tells me that this is too gay. My own name does not even cross my mind.

Miles is the name of my grandfather. He worked in the same steel mill for forty six years. I do not believe he ever looked at a man for more than five seconds at a time. I know this, because he is the one who taught me to keep my head down at the urinal. To keep my head down at all times.

Still, I say Max. In my mouth, it sounds like a dogs name.

I stand there, and try to remember the steps that go into washing your hands as he keeps talking. I am aware he is facing me completely now, I am aware of his frame in the background of the mirror I cannot look at, I am aware that there is one rule in male bathrooms, and so my brain keeps looping and repeating do not look up do not look up do not look up.

He asks me what my number is, and when I recount this to my mother a week later, I cannot find a way to describe how it feels like a threat. How it feels like wanting to count the tiles to the exit door but not being able to stop washing your hands because you simply can’t remember how it’s done anymore, what that last step is that lets your brain know the process is over. I try and work through it again. I restart, get more soap.

He keeps saying things. My brain flicks through quotes in my head like rapidly choosing what to wear into battle. I misremember the one I end up choosing, find myself unable to fix the clasps on a breastplate that I built for myself, it should have fit me. I feel like this strangely has to do more with what is inside my chest versus the flesh that lies on top of it, regardless, I play the quote again.

“The poets job, in the midst of the flood, is to remember the color of the water.”

And again.

The sink is just clear. I am trying to convince it to be blue, for a grocery list of reasons and the ghost of a voice saying “poetic cinema”, when he says something else, and I blink and it is Wednesday.

I joke to my friends that I am not sure if my superpower is time travel or teleportation. We decide that it is the latter, because if I could time travel, I would just go forward til things were better. Instead, I just end up somewhere else days later, blinking back into my body, trying to remember how I got there. I am not wearing my jacket anymore. I still can’t find it now, and I only have a vague recollection of frantically looking for a sharpie to scribble out the rainbow flag on the outside, not because I am ashamed but because I have always needed a safety blanket even now and it just doesn’t feel safe anymore.

My sister made it for my eighteenth birthday, not to celebrate my birth but my continued existence, she says it is a gift so I can remember how brave I have been.

I am wearing it when I am too scared in an empty cafe to hold the boy I want to marry’s hand.

Six people write down brave as an adjective to describe me out of ten for a class project. I realize, after an hour of not understanding these results that everyone who has said this is LGBT. They do not think I am brave in my actions, they know I am brave for being alive.

I do not like that my sheer existence is heroic.

Later that night, or maybe a month before, I have been teleporting so much lately that I can’t remember time, I ask my partner if he thinks I am gay enough.

He asks me what I mean, and I do not know how to answer him,

I cannot tell if people see me as a boy or girl when they look at me anymore or if I just look small.

I tell him that it feels like I am just now realizing that I have missed my train, and that I have simply been sitting at the station for eighteen years waiting for something that simply not come,

When a girl tells me I am pretty I think of how I pictured myself looking in college.

I stand next to my little brother as we get out of the car and he is three heads taller than I will ever be,

I remember joking with him, when I did not know anything, that I would always make a better soldier than him.

I remember the first time I realized he would always be stronger than me when a news alert goes off on my phone saying I am too expensive to be in the military.

I tell my boyfriend that I have never seen myself as trans as I picture my father in germany, my grandfather taking a picture of him in uniform as he helps pull a man over a wall my father made sure crumbled, I wonder if the picture took him more than five seconds to take, or if it’s okay to look at men through glass, through a viewfinder.

The only picture I have left of his is one of my mother holding me as a child, and there is much love in that single faded frame that even the photo paper feels soft, and still, today, I cannot help but wonder what he would think of me.

The water is bathroom as I wash my hands. My name is not Max. I know this, because it took me four years to choose the perfect one. To make sure it fit right, like a safety jacket.

On a Thursday, my therapist asks me why I am scared, and suddenly I am in bed reading a text from a friend that asks the same thing, and maybe it actually is time travel.

“I do not know.” I say, both times, and they echo and I can’t make out which voice is mine, the high pitched one in my head or the one people hear when they meet me again for the first time in years.

I do not know, I say, because I have never been righteous I have never been angry. The group chat talks about what kind of historical gays they are. Elliot says he would have been an 80’s escort, in rich extravagant clothing, taking women to parties their husbands could not attend. Phoenix is a second brick at stonewall kind of gay, apparently. They ask me what I would be doing then. I say Berlin and Vietnam, respectfully.

I have made it a goal, for the past two years, to tell someone on the internet every day that I love them. I did this after a person I barely knew died. His mother made a post about how we should not say that he “committed” anything, because that it makes it sound like a crime. I tell people I love them and sometimes it still feels like I am commiting the act of love.

A boy once wrote me saying he was happy I was finally writing happy poems. Even as I tell myself that life is circular, and sometimes backwards still be forwards, I try to make this poem happy for him.

As I write this, I know I am travelling faster than the speed of light. That a few days from now I will blink and wake up and find this on my computer and wonder how it happened.

I will continue to taste the word brave on my tongue and try and use it to wash the sound of Max out of my mouth.

I continue to try and name of the color of this flood, but it does not feel colorful, it does not feel rainbow. It still looks clear when I wash my hands.

I am itching more lately, and I try not to think about being allergic to my body.

The water is clear when it washes over skin that I cannot tell is mine.

The water is clear still.

I turn the faucet off. And I dry my hands. I have remembered these steps, in the end.

The water was clear, still.

And I am in love, still.

And I am love, still.

And I try to think of how all these things can exist at once.

And I land on the answer.

I am in multiple places at once.

I refuse not to call this a superpower.

I have decided to title this poem This Poem Is a Real Male Bathroom, For Real Men™️ Only.

And I want the guy whose penis I did not look at in that bathroom, to know,

That this poem is not for him.

Because I was the only real man in that room.”

-Taliesin Grey

[loquaciousquark]

Critical Role Wrap-Up Tell-All, Summary Post

Missed the first few minutes, but here we go! New campaign starts Jan. 11! No episode next week for Christmas.

First round of questions: Episodes 1-23: The Underdark.

They trusted Clarota more than Kima because the girls were super proud of finding him and they liked the underdog story of befriending the cast-out. Travis brings up writing “I don’t trust Clarota” five weeks running.

Matt designed the entire duergar city around the stronghold (including social encounters) that they missed. They also saw a shimmering portal to the Far Realm that they could have used but bypassed.

Matt had multiple layers for the actual pyramid he’d envisioned as a dungeon crawl, which the players completely bypassed by flying up & dropping a giant on top of it.

Re: Vax’s insight check on Keyleth: the DM said that Keyleth seemed unsure, scared, and cut off from the surface. Liam found that was the first time in the entire campaign he didn’t feel Vax questioning Keyleth’s decisions. This may have been the beginning of the crush. (Sidebar: Marisha is wearing a slate blue dress, gold heels, and stockings, and looks stunning.) 

The Earth Ashari visions occurred right after Keyleth killed the kid in terms of plot. She was having a hard time with magic & spells out of fear, and Marisha used it as a catalyst to have her come to terms with the costs of inaction. “You figure it out or you die.”

None of the players felt there was much of a change in their characterizations in transferring from the home games to the show. This is also the point they switched to Vox Machina instead of the SHITS. Taliesin feels they would have done this in universe even without the show; Laura felt it was driven by the knowledge they would be streaming shortly.

Matt: “It would have had to have been a lot of work and roleplaying” to get Clarota to turn on the Elder Brain, but it was not impossible. Laura: “He’s Hugh! From Star Trek. :(”

Percy flashed his name so much in the beginning in an effort to put out feelers for information. Matt points out that what happened to the de Rolos was kept very quiet outside of Whitestone--the Briarwoods circulated a rumor that the de Rolos had gotten ill and died and their close friends had taken over. Percy would have been assumed to be a distant relative if recognized at all. “Who knows the name of the royal family of Nova Scotia?”

Ashley wanted Pike to be stronger after she died so that she could offer more to the fights than just healing. She felt that spending time on The Broken Howl would have improved her strength. (Brian tells us that Ashley lived on a boat for a while as a kid and knows her way around ships, which surprises some of the cast too.)

Percy had to make his bullets (as opposed to Vex having to buy arrows) because bullets don’t exist in this world. Vex also bought a thousand arrows right before the show started and put them in the bag of holding, and Matt was glad not to have to track it.

Liam thinks the real feelings for Keyleth may have started with the whisper, but does remember intending to keep it very very quiet up until Vax almost died in the Briarwoods arc.

Grog has no idea where/who his mother is. In the herd, you love who you love, have a kid, and teach the kid to fight, and he did not care about her existence until he met Pike and learned what a nurturing relationship could be like. 

Matt forgot Grog’s last name was Strongjaw because they didn’t use last names much in the home game. That his dad’s name was Stonejaw was a complete coincidence that wasn’t put together until much later.

One of the members of the Arcana Pansophical was the one who put out the contract on the rakshasa. The idea was that they were working on a portal that connected to the Nine Hells and needed parts for the ritual (either not understanding or caring about the cycle of revenge).

Matt already had the Kima/Allura relationship in his mind from the second session ever in the home game. He had envisioned a past possible fling, but the Underdark arc allowed them to rekindle their relationship. He had no idea that they would become so beloved in the fandom.

Marisha had no idea that Keyleth’s antlers would become so iconic. In the home game, she had an undescribed circlet that was the last relic from her mother, and Kit Buss was the one who drew it as antlers. Kit also created Vex’s feathers, and everyone wove them backwards in time to create them. Kit also created Percy’s four-lens glasses.

Matt designed the Thunderbrands to be allies in the journey in the Underdark, including sending a Thunderbrand family mage along with them--there was a lost family member they were supposed to find. (Instead, VM attacked their wards with magic and Scanlan snuck inside while invisible for no reason, so that plot thread died.) They did find the necklace that belonged to this person. 

When Ioun was wounded during the Calamity, her followers had to go into hiding (including Osysa, who is apparently quite old). Matt envisions them as equivalents to modern-day truth societies that emerge, disseminate truth, and go into hiding again. The Slayer’s Take is a cover for this society.

Matt declines to divulge the location of the other Horn of Orcus, as it still exists in the world. :O

CR Stats Break! 10,819 total rolls throughout the campaign, 548 total natural 20s, 497 natural 1s. Most natural 20s: Vax with 107, Percy with 104. Most natural 1s: Vex with 76, Vax with 61. Travis gets great delight out of Laura’s dice’s betrayal.

Episodes 24-48: The Briarwood Arc.

Seeker Asum’s dinner plan (before Vax ruined it) was to find proof that the Briarwoods didn’t actually have the political power to build the bridge over the Searing Channel to Wildemount.

Travis, re: the shaving of half of Grog’s beard--”That was a pretty hot moment.” That kicked off months of Grog trying to get Vax back. “A new world order had started.” However, Vax was too slippery and often frustrated Grog. Liam didn’t realize how furious Travis was until much later. “It was magical, I figured it would just come back! I thought it was tit for tat. I was wrong.”

The woman Percy saw with his natural 20 was just a hunter citizen with her wolves, which was intended as an opportunity to either gain information about the state of the city or (if it had gone poorly), a chance for her to report back to the Briarwoods and given them an advantage over VM.

Liam genuinely thought Vax was going to die during the Briarwood attack. He intended it as a monologue to exit the game. (”The stuff with Kiki had started, but Vax’s world was still 98% his sister.”)

Sam knew Percy’s gun had to be destroyed because he “did crazy shit with it and--weren’t you marking stuff off it all the time? That’s weird!” Everyone enjoys the memory of Percy/Taliesin’s real shock and upset. Sam genuinely hadn’t thought he would be upset at all and was surprised at how mad he was. Taliesin is still upset he never managed to build another one because of how priceless it was. “It was priceless! It was--Two magical elements welded into--oh, Lord!” Matt says the only other way to break the curse would have been to go kill Orthax in the Abyss. Taliesin points out that means Orthax is still out there. Matt: “As far as you know.”

Matt wants the new story to be wholly unique and new. There will be VM choices that will affect the world, but it won’t be a direct continuation.

Taliesin only told Matt that the Briarwoods murdered his family & deliberately kept it as limited as possible. He didn’t know anything about them. (Matt points out it’s good to only write as much as your character knows when creating a backstory.)

Matt: Delilah was a lesser mage working at an academy in the Dwendalian Empire (they were minor nobles), and her husband had gotten sick. She went to find a cure & found one, but by the time she got back, her husband was dead. She was so distraught she began “screaming into the astral sea and one day, a whisper answered back, ‘I can help you,’” which was Vecna. These whispers continued, leading her to one of Vecna’s old laboratories (guarded by an undead creature so old he’d forgotten his own name), where she found the secrets of vampirism in exchange for now owing Vecna her life. However, because of her toying with illegal necromancy, they were pursued, discovered, hunted, arrested, escaped, and hunted again for execution, which is why they fled the empire to the Menagerie Coast, which is where they ran into Ripley who was fleeing her own hunters. They began working together there and had heard about Whitestone, so this is where they began getting them to take their guard down (since Whitestone had gone to such lengths to cut themselves off politically). Taliesin notes that he’d not intended to give them supernatural powers, but during their creation he had thought of a ghost story in New Orleans where survivors of a horrible fire got into a coach and left, even though they shouldn’t have been alive, so he enjoyed the similarities in the tone of their love story.

Vex had feelings for Percy already at this point. “Darling, take the mask off.” She also thinks the darkness attracted her to him more.

Percy didn’t know the voice in his head was real. The smoke in the show was the first time it had ever happened. Liam notes they’d never had any hints of demonic power in the home game. Matt says the demon would never have manifested until Percy confronted someone directly from his revenge list.

Trusting the DM with your stories and mysteries is half the fun, according to Laura. Matt feels it gives him the opportunity to collaborate with the players.

Sam: “The first session [of the new campaign] is just going to be asking Travis why he’s talking like that.”

Keyleth was close to leaving the party at the beginning of this arc. She had issues with some of VM’s moral decisions and felt she had to continue her Aramente.

If Ripley had been left in her cell & was unable to escape, and they had figured out who she was, she would have done everything in her power to convince them she was as used and abused as everyone else (such as Cassandra) until the first opportunity to escape.

The dead de Rolos were left in public in Whitestone after the coup (they were the first to hang from the Sun Tree) in almost the exact same arrangement Matt used for the VM effigies later. VM did not ever fight their skeletons. Percy: “It’s just one more ghost story for that bloody castle. It’s highly appropriate for Whitestone.”

Ashley likes to think Pike’s ability to astral project is because she’s special to Sarenrae, but feels it’s just a reality of her city/film situation.

Matt says Delilah’s ritual actually succeeded, that she just didn’t know what she was looking for. She created the siphon, which was the whole purpose of the ritual. VM might have discovered that it had been successful if they’d spent more time with it. Delilah realized later (after reincarnating into her clone body) that she had fully done her part and Vecna was pleased.

Re: Craven Edge: Travis had no idea what a sentient weapon was and was just entranced with the description of the fancy sword. He was excited when Percy got nervous reading the card and was completely surprised when Matt began talking. “Grog was just enjoying this new friend that helped him shish-kabob people really well.”

Matt intended the acid trap to be broken by strength towards the wall, blocking the acid chutes, or by using another button on the wall Vax didn’t find. No one remembers how they actually got out.

If Scanlan had learned of Kaylie first before she found him, he would have probably run away from the information.

For Taliesin, the final barrel on the List was meant for “Percy’s acknowledgement that the List was not the end,” that this was an unending cycle he was starting. The empty barrel was meant to be the start of a brand new List, that he had started a revenge run that would never end. Percy was glad to kill thousands of people indirectly to kill these five directly--he knew what he was doing the whole time in the creation of these deadly weapons, which is part of why he says so often that Percy is a terrible person. (He clarifies it was never intended for himself.)

Vex got Simon back by flirting with the guards. “There was a lot of winking involved.”

Matt had always intended Cassandra to be the final name on the gun. Matt didn’t know Taliesin had intended the same thing in re: revenge not ending and reveals that if he’d killed those six, another six would have appeared. Tal and Matt are both delighted by this reveal of their minds working in the same direction. (Sam: “I knew that. I knew aaaaaaall that.”)

Marisha hadn’t intended Keyleth’s leadership to begin to emerge here (the roc, the skeleton army), and thinks Keyleth didn’t fully believe it herself until she got the mantle. She does remember the kraken fight as one of the first moments she forced herself to step up and take responsibility. Liam notes her decision to take as many as she could at the end of that fight as a good leadership moment.

Marisha asks Matt what would have happened if she hadn’t rolled a natural 20 on the ziggurat. Matt says the DC was an 18 to resist the impact--if she hadn’t, she’d have gone through, taken a ton of damage, and been thrust into the Shadowfell on the outskirts of Thar Amphala. It would have changed the story if Keyleth had survived the damage to return safely & reveal Vecna’s plot early. However, no one would have even known she’d been gone. Matt realizes belatedly that it would have been horrible to have such an emotional success on this arc only to have a beloved character suddenly disappear without warning (if she’d failed the DC and died in Thar Amphala). When they’d finally gotten to Thar Amphala at the end, there would have been an undead Keyleth to fight.

CR Stats Break! 50,074 damage dealt in total. Most damage taken: 5646, Grog. Most damage dealt: 10,038, Grog.

Episodes 39-83: The Chroma Conclave!

Matt had decided who would die in Emon before the attack. He wanted a central figure (and a powerful ally) to die to emphasize the danger. The most brave, resolute members of the Council were the most likely to throw their lives away.

Liam doesn’t know if Vax would have left VM if the Conclave hadn’t attacked. He would have been conflicted, tap-dancing around why he was there. The prank war with Grog had escalated into head-butting; Vex would have left with Vax if he’d firmly made the decision, even if she didn’t like it.

The attack was just a coincidence with being the same day VM messed with the orbs. It was all long-planned by Raishan. However, the orbs allowed Thordak & Raishan to recognize VM as meddlers & to get information on them earlier than otherwise.

Matt had planned the Conclave attack since Krieg’s original introduction. Coincidentally, if they were still playing at the home game pace of once every six weeks, that would have been this weekend.

Percy was calm in the Grog fight because he knew what was in all the bottles/kilns and because he knew he could give Grog disadvantage on every attack. He would have set him on fire/acid and blinded him as quickly as possible. Liam thinks Grog would have still turned Freddy into paste. 

Gilmore was one choice from dying when they found him. If they’d gone for the treasure, he would have been dead by the time they found him. It was meant to be a crux choice in learning what it meant in moments of crisis to choose against your own greed. Liam points out that the last times they had dealt with death at this point were the home game and Vex’s death. They had no idea what the rituals were or really what they entailed; they had no idea what permanence it would have. Every death was rough, but in the beginning it was very unsettling.

Vex found a bunch of love letters from Gilmore and his first boyfriend under Gilmore’s bed. It was good confirmation they were in Gilmore’s actual room. Matt says it was another Marquesian (Markeesian?) boy that he would have had to name on the spot if pressed.

Vesh was “a dangerous entity for the levels you were dealing with at the time.” Vex’s resurrection ritual piqued her interest and would have resulted in her turning her eyes to VM if the Raven Queen had not intervened. Matt: “So much turned on that choice!” Also Matt: “Vesh isn’t necessarily a god, though she likes to say she is and Kashaw believes she is.”

The boon of the Dawn Martyr was a huge part of Pike feeling important in battle/getting the courage to be in the middle, knowing it would be okay if she got knocked out a few times. Grog, tearfully: “It’s not okay!”

Sam asks who the guy she was in love with for the second time. Ashley ignores him. “Oh, I heard him, I’m just not acknowledging it!” Everyone, including me, dies a little inside.

Matt envisions Kevdak getting the Knuckles by chance, by beating the previous owner to a bloody pulp. (Kevdak was not the herd leader at the time.) He had no aspirations beyond taking what he wanted and expanding the herd. Then the Conclave attacked and distracted the guards of Westruun, and he saw this as an opportunity to carve their way into the city. He saw himself bending Umbrasyl to his will later once the herd was stronger.

Ashley interrupts the timeline to ask Matt about what was in Senokir’s box because she can’t stand it anymore. She forgot to tell Matt she wanted to go look for it during the plot break and has been kicking herself the whole time. Matt confirms it was legitimately, 100% his wife’s ashes. “Let this be a lesson to you; not every NPC is out to get you.” Ashley: “I still don’t believe you!”

Liam had planned on multiclassing into Paladin even before the Raven Queen’s tomb. He saw purpose he lacked in Pike, then began to consider it when Taliesin made an offhanded comment about him going cleric. Liam alludes to a rough time in his personal life and talks about an out-of-game meeting where he was very, very upset with how the game had turned that day in the tomb. “It was heavy on top of my heavy, and I was not happy.” He says he wouldn’t change it for anything, now.

Liam asks Matt about Fate-touched. Matt says he knew Liam was going through tough stuff and wanted to give him a little hope in the middle of personal difficulties. He had no idea when it was going to come up--he’d envisioned later in the story when they were dealing with more divinity, that one of the gods then would have commented on it. Liam gets up and briefly bows at Matt’s feet.

Laura asks if there are more cookies and is given permission to get them at the break.

Travis had no idea if he could win solo against Kevdak, but wanted to start the fight that way. He got to face him on his terms, and that was all he wanted. Matt says he could have actually won the fight, but the dice were against him.

Laura doesn’t think she deserved that change in alignment. “All I did was steal a broom! I was gonna give him a whole bunch of dragon scales but he walked away too fast!” Liam is shocked Vex’s alignment changed and Percy’s didn’t; Matt says thoughts don’t necessitate alignment change, but that shooting the kid through the hand put him very, very close. If Laura had stolen the broom for a greater purpose, he wouldn’t have changed her, but it was purely selfish. However, he feels alignment shouldn’t guide roleplay, it should be reactive to the roleplay. “It’s not a big deal.”

Sam reads the letter he wrote to Pike. [Edit: transcribed here.] My fingers wither in anticipation. I can’t keep up. He tells her his age and says he realized his soul would be forever incomplete the moment he met her. It’s a darned good letter and Sam comments on that: “Jesus, this is good.” He compares her gloriously to the sun and asks her to protect Kaylie. “Don’t you see? This whole time, I thought I was chasing a lover, but instead I was chasing a mother for my child. You are the savior for my daughter I could never be. In death, my heart will be beside you in Kaylie.” Sam legitimately tears up reading the end and I do too, a little. Wow. Travis: “Don’t you feel bad for reading that early?” Ashley: “Nope!”

Matt intended certain vestiges for certain players, but didn’t have plans for the Ward, Cabal’s Ruin, or other open-ended vestiges. He didn’t know who would take the Ward. Laura’s still bitter about the wings.

Re: Percy’s death ritual--Taliesin planned to ignore any attempts to call upon a god to help him. He was looking for reasons to come back, but thought it would be a great end to Percy’s character if it panned out that way. Elements of Taliesin’s next character started originally as Percy’s replacement.

Raishan was trying to do an ancient variant of Speak With Dead with Thordak’s corpse. She was concocting an intense version that tortures and forces information that would be true. She wanted the secret to getting rid of her disease and got Opesh’s lair location, then the rest of the information she needed once she arrived at the lair. (Matt confirms the soul curse on Raishan was real, and that she can see truth, which is how she knew Thordak genuinely knew how to cure her.)

Eggs: Thordak was mutating, becoming something new. The Soul Anchor began to change him in the Fire Plane & allowed him to asexually create progeny (”like Jurassic Park!”). They were a new elemental species. “We killed them all!” “As far as you know.” “Oh no!”

CR Stats Break! 86 total Grog rages. 3658 healing from Pike. 474 Vex arrows shot. Percy misfires: 36. DM facepalms: 264. Keyleth beast shapes: 110 (most used: 15 Earth elemental). 136 Scanlan inspirations, and every one of them gold. Vax: 21 one-shot kills. (Tal: “21 friends we never got to make.”)

Episode break, featuring guest stars! (No actual break, which means that bottle of water I drank earlier is now only suffering.) Attending tonight are Darin de Paul (Sprigg), Mary Elizabeth McGlynn (Zahra), Will Friedle (Kashaw), Jason Charles Miller (Garthok), and Noelle Stevenson (Tova).

On the biggest difference between the show & their home games: Mary & Will had never played before, so it was all new to them. Both preferred learning by fire. Darin feels it’s ultimately acting, “yes, and,” and loved it. Noelle points out that people are a lot more invested in her character than other players would be in a home game, and enjoys that feedback. Will agrees, since he never cared about anything like this before playing himself. Darin: “When you play at home, you don’t get fanart.” Mary loves the community & shared world-creating. Jason loves “what happens after” the game and how people can love your character more than you.

Mary was terrified on her first game. Her whole philosophy was, “Don’t kill the team. Don’t kill VM.” However, since she was so comfortable with Laura & Travis, she felt free to make mistakes. Will’s philosophy was to “smile, nod, and shift papers like I know what I’m doing.” At one point, Wil Wheaton told him to “turn undead” & he had no idea clerics could do that. However, when Will and Mary got to go back on the show, they spent time ahead teaming up and figuring out what their bond was, and that’s how their relationship started.

Darin’s first live show on set was the one where Kash kissed Keyleth & he dreamed of being part of that world. Will had no idea what he was doing would matter to people and thought it was tons of fun seeing the huge reaction to the kiss that he hadn’t expected. Zahra decided she would be pregnant right before they came onstage the last time, and Will loved the idea and told her to roll with it.

Jason has the CR theme as his ringtone. He enjoyed the uneasy tension of the truce with VM but expected foul play if the relationship had continued. He was surprised by the instant feedback of Twitch chat (Liam had it open on his phone during his game) being happy he called for an attack of opportunity.

Noelle jokes she wished she’d played a shopkeeper so she could have gotten into her episode earlier, but found it very intense once she arrived. She created Tova as something of a “burner character,” so that she would be okay if she died, but was glad she survived. She didn’t want to step on any big moments for the team and wanted to help them get to their next fight. She was glad she was there for their last scene--it felt important and was cool to see. She laughs about running the bear society from Marisha’s oneshot.

They all comment on the excruciating wait to be introduced in each episode. Will comments on the reality of being a guest star and being okay with dying for that reason, but also being terrified they might take someone from VM with them.

Will, Brian, and Mary had a death pool going for the final fight.

Sprigg’s theme of redemption was intense and unintended. Brian comments on Sprigg existing 37 years ago in the game with Matt’s mom; Darin loves that he intended him to be a Fagan character who steals everything, but ended up having a wonderful exit while arguing with Ioun. Darin loves funny, tragic characters and loves that Sprigg got to have his hero moment.

Mary mentions how surprising emotional moments could be (specifically mentioning Vex’s resurrection) and the complete investing of yourself in your character. Mary points out that she’s not a writer--this is one thing she has created herself, and she’s very proud of it. Darin: “It’s as special for all of us as it is for you.” Jason had someone yell, “We love you, Garthok!” at a concert. Will knew Matt from Thundercats and everyone else a little, and he loved the games, but he treasures the friendships he developed with the game’s players more. Darin deeply treasures the moment he had with Marisha in his game.

Brian remembers Darin taking pictures of the TM set the first time he saw it.

Will: “A good story is a good story.” Noelle: “There’s a universal nature to D&D.” The first time Mary met Noelle, Mary was wearing a d20 necklace and they bonded over both playing tiefling warlocks. Brian loves the idea of mainstream entertainment being about creation, not just observing.

Episodes 84-99: Taryon Darrington!

If Revivify had been successful, would Scanlan still have left? Yes--it was the act of dying, not really the circumstances of waking up, that put him over the edge. “There was a long buildup to him leaving.” He felt unloved & between Kaylie and the drugs, and the terrible streak of loss/dying, he felt nothing was going well. The prank on waking up felt poorly timed, but he admits he probably would have done the same to someone else if the situation had been reversed.

VM could have killed the kraken, but the lodestone sources that maintain the Water Elemental rift & keep Vesrah aloft would have lost power over the next five or so years. They’d have had to find another kraken & lure it back to preserve the city and the rift.

Pike was able to say most of what she wanted to say at Scanlan’s leaving in follow-up games, but Ashley as a player was sad that she was gone when he left and came back to “a new guy. I wanted to play with Scanlan!” Once Pike got up the courage, she was able to say what she wanted, but doesn’t feel she would have changed his mind at the time. Sam: “She absolutely could have stopped me. She was the only one.” Sam notes the rest of VM (esp. Vex) did persuade him to go with Kaylie instead of alone.

If Keyleth had failed her Aramente, she would not have been allowed to try again. She would have been allowed to join a council, and someone else would have gone to the Aramente instead. It’s not blood-determined--someone else worthy could have gone instead.

Tary’s wealth had little effect on tempering Vex’s greed. “Once she got money, then she mellowed.” Sam: “That’s how rich people work. They get money, and then they stop.”

(Funny aside where Brian forgets who Hotis is, confuses the rakshasa with the Pit Fiend, and Matt immediately pulls out the Pit Fiend’s name as Utugash.)

By the next time Hotis would have come back, the campaign would have been over (i.e. Vax would be gone), and his rage would have turned towards Ashley.

Vax’s Invisibility Ring was the only reason Tova survived.

Sam had no exact plan for Scanlan’s return, but only intended Tary to last one or two sessions before dying. However, “Tary was so dashing and charming and everyone fell in love with him instantly” that he lasted a little longer. Scanlan went back to Ank’harel for revenge, but it took some time for the two guys who wronged him to come back to town. He took their antiques counterfeiter away from them, publicly shamed them via the Meat Man, and chased them out of town. He and Matt did a whole series of rolls in which he identified the counterfeiter, chased them out, and created this small power vacuum, and when Matt asked what he wanted to do, he decided to step into the role himself.

The soulstones from Dis weren’t meant for much besides the temporary rush right before battle. (This makes me think of a really creepy 5-hour energy drink.) Vex still has one in her inventory.

Percy never wanted to kill Scanlan after the scrying eye; he wanted to sneak in, cripple him, take all his stuff, and tell him to never come back again. Percy didn’t like that he’d taken a vestige and other stuff from the house and felt he’d not deserved any of it. (Liam: “Neutral good, folks. Neutral good.”)

None of Grog’s lady friends were “the one that got away.” Liam, then Sam and Tal shortly after: “Nymph! Nymph! Nymph! Nymph!” and Travis reveals they didn’t sleep together. Grog was very meek and intimidated; Matt was mostly trying to make Travis uncomfortable in his own kitchen. Travis: “He just wanted to let you wonder for five years.” “Who, Grog or Matt?” “Yes.”

Laura reveals Vex & Percy briefly broke up during the break, then married each other quietly in front of the Sun Tree with Trinket.

Feywild theater: if you’re found listening to the theater without being a member, they converge on you to make you a member (e.g. pull out your soul and force you into it). However, there are members that have sought it out by choice.

Vex & Percy were out on a loch, talking about marriage and not wanting to be Vax & Keyleth, and decided to just go for it. The priest from one of the temples performed the ceremony. Tary knew first because he was in the same house. Liam: “Probably one of the biggest heartbreaks of the entire campaign. If there had been any other circumstances, [Vax] would not have known what to do with himself.”

Scanlan never heard Pike talking into the earring. :( However, he did do a fair amount of praying to Sarenrae “on his Aramente.”

No one found Scanlan during the break. Ashley and Grog were the only ones who seriously searched for him (everyone else decided to give him his space), but they didn’t look far enough, only staying in Emon & the surrounding area.

Scanlan never shot the gun except for that one time at the end.

Laura doesn’t even remember telling Vax not to get married without her. Va wouldn’t have been bitter or angry, just would have asked “why.” Liam says it would have been different if Vex had not specifically said not to get married without her. Laura’s genuine agony gets even worse for not remembering it. “I’m a terrible person!”

Marisha points out it’s another facet of Keyleth’s struggle to not waste time on inaction. “If you love someone, go marry them RIGHT NOW.”

Keyleth feels the Spire best serves the world by being in her hands right now, but has considered donating it to Melora’s followers after death. 

Ashley would have enjoyed playing an evil Pike if the Trickfoot curse had been real. “That would have been fun!”

Matt: if Tary had not rolled well on his final roll, it would have been the end of the Darrington family unit: “an unfixable divide between him and his father. His mother would have had to choose; it would have sundered the whole family.” Matt had actually forgotten about the fate die. “You can’t call it a fate die more than that fucking moment!”

Laura sidelines to ask about Vax’s favor to the hag. Matt had had plans for it, but by the time it came time for him to try to use it, Vax already belonged to the Raven Queen and she wouldn’t try to interfere with that. “It’s a lost investment.”

Grog was not angry at Scanlan at all until he came back, disguised, with a new barbarian at his side. “An idiot, a barbarian, a half-ass imitation of Grog. I was ready to pick Scanlan up and smash his brain into jelly.”

CR Stats Break! Most-cast spell per character. Keyleth: 43, Transport Via Plants. Scanlan: 47, Healing Word. Percy: 27, Hex. Vex: 80, Hunter’s Mark. Vax: 25, Lay on Hands. Pike: 40, Guiding Bolt Up the Butt? No, Cure Wounds. (Aw.) Grog: 18, Enlarge.

Episodes 100-115: Vecna!

They could have acquired boons from each deity they tried to talk to, but others they didn’t have a strong connection to would have required research, searching, and time Vecna would have used against them. If they’d gone for a fourth deity, Vasselheim would have been destroyed and Vecna would have begun to understand his powers after achieving his miracle. If they’d gone for a fourth trammel, his power would have spread beyond the oceans. Matt thinks they struck the perfect balance.

Scanlan stayed so long in Ank’harel because he had to wait for the two guys to return, and while he waited he got a taste for “crime power!” and decided to stay. “Tastes like pleather.”

A lot of Pike’s feelings started with the letter, but she and Scanlan did flirt slightly in the home game. She didn’t take it seriously because she didn’t think he was serious until the letter. “That letter is very intense.” When he left, she realized how much she cared for him and missed him, and when he came back she thought he was more mature and maybe the time had passed. It was a slow climb after the letter.

Matt declines to say where Vecna keeps his phylactery. “That’s not campaign information, that’s world LORE information!”

Vex took the name “de Rolo” after her marriage.

When the Knuckles were resonating, it was because they were close to the surface from which they were carved (the earth titan), and because they had a structural extra bonus to sieging the titan from the inside. They could have slowed down the titan by attacking its legs, but that would have alerted Thar Amphala and they’d have had an uphill fight the rest of the way. They had lots of options to stop the titan.

Percy was not troubled by Silas’s escape. He’d transferred that angst to other people and felt at that point they could handle him if he attacked again. “It was never about Silas.”

The Death Knight was the nameless servant that had been keeping Vecna’s laboratory for countless centuries, rewarded for his service.

If he could have, Vax would have said goodbye to (at least) his father, Korrin, Gilmore, and Velora.

Marisha feels Keyleth was at last ready to lead her people by the end of the campaign. She had made her peace and was ready to be done. Brian: “Heavy is the head that wears the antlers.”

Matt guessed what Sam wanted to do with his level 9 Wish spell in the final battle. Sam had asked him about its limitations ahead of the game, and he tried to answer in general terms in case he was wrong. He didn’t realize the exact implications until the moment Sam used it as Counterspell. It’s one of Matt’s favorite moments of the game. Sam: “Great. Awful.”

Scanlan can’t reconcile his immense power with being unable to save his friend. He feels he ultimately failed, but suspects that in his older age he will realize it’s okay to fail & you don’t have to succeed at everything to make a difference in people’s lives. He’ll try to be a hero for his wife & his kid, and he still might use Wish every once in a while to see if he can get a message to or from old Vax. Liam: “Vax would never have seen that as a failure.”

Matt: “I imagine there are a lot of stories told about Vax’ildan and what he did.” Sam: “It’s okay not to be the best at everything. It’s okay to do what you do.”

The opposite side of Entropis had ancient holy relics that had been destroyed (the site of the seed that ascended Vecna).

Percy wanted to save Vax by selling his soul, get the punishment he deserved, and use the contract to get something out of his certainty he was going somewhere awful anyway. Then the moment of uncertainty crept in and he wondered why he kept making all these awful deals. Matt says that was one of his favorite Percy moments of the whole show & that he loved how he could see him break.

Matt says both Percy and Scanlan could have gotten the Wish off in a way that could have possibly circumvented the RQ’s will, but Liam had no idea how that would have played out, because in his mind the only way he could live was if the RQ gave him her blessing.

Re: reading--Grog just wanted to get smarter.

Syldor was grieved at Vax’s death & regrets the treatment of his children--he’s been spending a lot of his life trying to reconcile the choices he made in how he raised them with the pride at what his children have accomplished. “He’s learned a lot of lessons” and is doing the best he can do improve acceptance of outsiders in Syngorn society.

Vex feels she made peace with Syldor after having five kids with Percy and beginning to understand what having children means--it became important in a different way to reach out to Syldor.

Matt feels Vax is able to reconnect with his mother occasionally, but also prevents loneliness for the small mortal sliver left in the RQ & doing her will. He declines to explain the ethereal further.

The titan could only really be damaged from the inside.

Keyleth tries Speaks with Animals on the large raven that visits after a long, long time, without expecting the results she hopes for. “Almost better to keep the illusion that it’s Vax, rather than have the confirmation that he was never there at all.”

The Bag of Holding contained at the end: “silverware, candles, caltrops, handcuffs, stones, dried poo, some armor, the big black sapphire, bottles of wine. It was like a busted-up Home Depot.”

Liam declines to answer how Vax felt after his death, but in the moment itself he felt very heavy and very full. He knew his sister was taken care of.

FINALLY. Pike’s other love interest was....drumroll... “For a very long time, it was Percy.” She felt that through her faith and the light she had from Sarenrae that he was a marked man, and she did so much thinking and praying for his soul that everything became very confusing for her. She feels now, though, that it never would have worked out between them, and that somehow in the end, “...it was always Scanlan.” Tal: “He was oblivious, man.” Sam: “Even Tary was in love with that guy! He’s the worst!”

Favorite moments. Travis: "Dropping on Kevdak.” Liam: “Saying goodbye.” Marisha: “Cherry blossoms, and the tree.” Sam: “Cows.” Laura: “Talking to Trinket for the first time.” Sam: “Trying to kill Trinket for the first time.” Liam: “Gilmore stabbing me.” Marisha: “The hanging tree.” Taliesin: "Letting go when Ripley shot me. Realizing that Percy was in love with Vex. I’d never had a PC turn on me like that before that moment.”

Sam realized at the end that while he’d always imagined Scanlan spending his days telling their stories grandly, his favorite moments in the end were just healing his friends, impressing his friends and making them laugh. Marisha thinks about the cannonball contest, and Liam loved that Sam played the whole last fight against the gods with one hand held behind his back. Matt thanks Sam for playing bards to their full power. Ashley thinks about her first game, and how personal it was. How it changed her life.

Matt finds it strange that he’s a 35-year-old man who has spent his whole life trying to make something, and who genuinely believes the greatest thing he has ever accomplished is this story he’s told with his friends.