#and whenever i say i might be autistic my mum starts talking about how my sister probably is

[ebbarights]

.

[fibrowarriorgirl]

Autistic women aren't as rare as you think

Did you know that women are a lot less likely to be diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder? And no, this isn't necessarily because autism in women is just a lot less common. It's because autism in women usually presents itself very differently than autism in men. Autistic women often get misdiagnosed with anxiety disorders and/or Borderline Personality Disorder. And to be fair, anxiety disorders, BPD and ASD all have quite a lot of similarities.

The damage of being diagnosed with ASD later in life is bigger than you might think. I know this too well. For as long as I can remember, I have felt different in comparison to my peers. I could never put my finger on it, but something about me felt different. Not even just different, no, I felt wrong. There had to be something wrong with me.

I remember a conversation I once had with my mum, although I doubt she remembers this. I think I was about 9 or 10 years old. She had just picked me up from school and we were sitting in the car, when I said to her "I'm special, aren't I?" My mum of course responded by saying how special I was because of how kind and funny and smart I was, because my mum has always been my biggest fan. And I remember I quickly stopped her and said "no not like that, I'm weird."

Weird. It's something I've been called a lot in my life. Most times, it was told jokingly by my friends and family. Other times I was being called weird by bullies or by teachers who should've never started working with children in the first place. I've always known I was weird. So when my friends called me weird for taking something a bit too literally, I honestly didn't mind. As a child I liked being weird. Being weird meant I was being true to myself. As I got older, I noticed that being weird wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. Before I knew it, people thinking I was weird became a subconscious fear of mine. Being weird meant I was myself, yes. But it also meant I didn't belong. Being weird confirmed that I was different, special. That I was wrong.

I was about 9 years old when autism was first suspected. I was making repetitive movements all day long. The movements looked a lot like stimming, something that a lot of autistics do. I don't really remember the test they did. All I remember was that I really liked my psychologist, Sarah. We were always in a room with lots of toys. I remember that my mum once explained to me what autism was, and why they thought I might be autistic. She said "autistic people don't see the big picture, they see a bunch of small things." As an example, she said that autistic people don't see a house, they see windows, a door, walls, etc. I told her I wasn't autistic, because I always see a house. In hindsight, it is pretty ironic to see how literally I took that explanation. Taking things 'too' literally, another sign of autism.

A few weeks after that, Sarah told me that she didn't know if I was autistic or not. In her words, 50% of me was autistic and 50% of me wasn't. They ended up not diagnosing me, and referred me to a hospital to see if it wasn't actually epilepsy.

No, I don't have epilepsy. We later found out I have something called Stereotypic Movement Disorder. Which I will elaborate on in a later post.

For years to come, that would be the closest I'd ever come to an ASD diagnosis. I was also tested for ADHD a few times as a teenager, but to no avail. As I grew older, the feeling of not belonging grew stronger. I was always wondering why I felt like such an outsider, maybe it was just all in my head? I was diagnosed with generalised and social anxiety when I was 16, which I thought could explain the feeling of being an outsider. But if that feeling was caused by anxiety, why did I have that feeling all my life?

When I was about 19 years old, I started suspecting I might be autistic after all. I asked my mum what the reasoning was of my psychologist all those years ago to not diagnose me. Apparently, I met all the diagnostic criteria. But because I had empathy and a lot of fantasy, I was not diagnosed. Since then, I have been fighting for an official diagnosis. I wanted to see on paper that I was diagnosed with ASD.

This was insanely hard to do. I tried talking about it to my psychologist, who dismissed me by saying I didn't need another diagnosis. Whenever I tried to tell someone about my struggle with getting diagnosed, I'd often hear "but you don't seem autistic". I'd get asked why I thought I could be autistic. I'd give my reasons and as a response I'd hear "well you might be on the autism spectrum but not enough to be considered autistic."

I was begging people to do a diagnostic test. I needed to prove that I was right about this, and how much it would help me. Even if we did the testing and it turned out I wasn't autistic at all, I could at least let that idea go and go on with my life. It was so frustrating that nobody believed me. My mum and my partner were the only people who actually believed I was autistic when I told them my reasoning.

And then, an angel in the form of a psychiatrist turned up. After only a few minutes of telling her about myself, she asked me if I was ever diagnosed with ASD. This resulted in enthusiastic rambling on my part. I told her everything, how I felt out of place, how I was almost diagnosed, about the repetitive movements, etc. She is the one who ended up setting up a diagnostic exam for me. And this year in August, I was finally officially diagnosed with ASD. The psychologist who did the diagnostic test told me this was one of the most obvious cases of autism he had ever seen.

You have no idea how relieved I was to finally, FINALLY be diagnosed. That feeling of being different, being wrong. No, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm autistic, that's it. My psychologist, who kept dismissing my suspicions, later told me she didn't want to see if I was autistic because she thought I was looking down on myself. Never once have I seen being autistic as a bad thing. It's just who I am, that's it.

Now I live through life, knowing that I am autistic. That feeling of being out of place, something I've had all my life, is gone. I cannot even describe how liberating it is to have that burden to be lifted from my shoulders. A part of me is angry though. I have been begging for years for help with this. And time and time again, I was ignored or dismissed. Often just being told it was some type of anxiety. I also wish that my psychologist all those years ago didn't refuse to diagnose me. I met all the diagnostic criteria, that should've been enough. Imagine if I was told I was autistic when I was 9. What that meant for me, why I felt like I was different, that there was nothing wrong with me.

Please, believe women when they say they think they're autistic. You have no idea how much you'd be helping us.

[residentofthedisc]

Sunglasses in the Dark

I just remembered this thing which I think really sort of shows how unconscious ableism can be.

I went on this really cool course in London and we made a film. I made a lot of friends. Friends were were POC and queer and young and activists in the making. Like, people who really wanted to be good people and help. There was real pride in it, you know? And most of them were incredibly supportive of me and fought for my accommodation. They got lights turned off, they encouraged me to wear my sunglasses and earphones and stim in public. One of them even ran back into an area we weren't allowed in to get my headphones when I forgot them. They really wanted to be inclusive, you know, really? But then we were sitting waiting for another talk. And my friends looked at the guy waiting to speak and saw that he was wearing sunglasses inside, in the dark. And these people, these guys who had worked so hard to make me feel safe and supported, started ripping strips off him. They got quite loud about it. I’m sure he heard them. They made jokes about him being a tryhard and ridiculous and overdramatic because he was wearing sunglasses inside in the dark. And I was sitting beside them. Wearing sunglasses in the dark. I spoke up, of course, said that he might be like me. He could be autistic. He might have some form of photosensitivity. That can happen when you get older, I said, my Mum's like that. Then he gave his talk and early in it, when talking about his life, he told us that he'd had an accident with a light back when film lights were lethal. He was badly burned and his eyes were damaged. So now he wore sunglasses. He made a joke that people treated him differently now. And these guys looked at me, and I'm glad to say they looked ashamed. And that is what I remember whenever people talk big about being allies.

And it is important to remember that I am not immune. I have to catch myself from being racist, ableist, transphobic, all of that. It’s important to be aware of where you fall short, of where you can improve. Were my friends in the wrong? Yes. 

Were they bad people?

No. They weren’t, they just saw sunglasses in the dark and didn’t think about their actions. 

[wandering-dogs]

Hi! I hope this is ok to ask, but why'd you pick a BC to be your service dog? Definitely not judging, because I've been really strongly considering it myself, but everyone tells me that BCs are generally too sensitive for public access!

Oh boy, I just managed to delete everything I wrote on this. =w=;Well. This is REALLY fucking long, so… Under the cut we go.TLDR; there were a lot of personal circumstances to think about between my disabilities, money, and timing, and it was moreso that a BC fit neatly into those than I necessarily wanted a BC from the beginning.

So! First off, I should mention, you’re absolutely correct. When I got Wander, this was a thing I was warned about. I specifically asked for a dog who rebounded off of scares quickly, and I got just that. He definitely recovers fast, but he is, absolutely, a sensitive dog. Moreso than I would have wanted.

But, there were a few things I had to think about that led me to getting a BC, even with the warning that they were sensitive.

1. I’ve seen a lot of successful border collie service dogs. Like, a surprising amount. This was one of the reasons I even started looking into them! That, combined with a few questions placed at a few different people, really made them seem like an option. Not necessarily, the ideal, but…

2. I don’t like the main service dog breeds. Or, rather, I hate living with them. I’ve owned labs and golden retrievers, and I really, truly, did not want to have to live with another. I think they’re great dogs! I think all my friends should have one! But I know myself, and I know that it would not be fair to me or my dog to get one of those two breeds. Even if they have a higher chance of success, what would that have mattered if I was constantly getting annoyed at things that are perfectly normal for those breeds? Poodles, which were another option, I just didn’t know enough about. There’s a lot of grooming that goes into them for one, which I have no experience in (though I’d love to learn) and I know nothing about their temperaments other than they are retriever-y dogs. Which is why I ended up vetoing them to be on the safe side.

3. An organization was likely out of the question. I don’t know enough about organizations and how they should run to tell a good one from a mediocre one, to start. Then there’s also that they normally choose breeds that I just simply don’t get along with. But the real kicker is that I really couldn’t locate one that would work with me. I’m autistic and have PTSD along with some other mental issues. Finding an organization that works with autistic adults? Near impossible. I, to this date, have not been able to locate one that looks decent. And PTSD ones are mostly geared towards veterans, which I am not. The other issue is time frame; I did not have a ton of waiting time.

4. So, I was majorly depressed at the time. Like, sleeping for days on end, not getting out of bed, angry, depressed. This was partially due to processing multiple layers of trauma! The main issue however was that I hit an autistic breakdown. Think of it as a mental break. I couldn’t read for several years after this happened, for example. I still, to this day, have some days where I cannot read more than a sentence at a time without losing the ability altogether. Typing up a paragraph? This whole thing that you’re currently reading? That was a pipe dream for me at the time. And for someone who spent their whole like from age 4 (yes, four) to 19 reading chapter book upon chapter book a day to cope? That was a devastating loss. I have still not been able to read as many books, but I’m improving! (for reference, I’m currently 23)

4.5. Animals are my life. At the time, we had lost our old rescue lab, and just gotten Simon, who had settled in beautifully. I’d intended to see if he would work out as a service dog, but was told no immediately (family dog, not YOUR dog), and wasn’t allowed to work with him. This meant his anxiety worsened because I couldn’t continue his socializing, and by the time they realised I really needed a service dog, it was too late for Simon to have a chance. (He’s also protective, so it wouldn’t have worked out anyways most likely) But, I was depressed, in bed, and had no purpose. Caring for a puppy would force me out of bed. I knew this, my mum knew this, and so it just kind of… It didn’t have a rush or timeline. I was willing to wait. But it definitely was something I couldn’t just sit around and wait years for either.

5. Originally, I’d planned on getting a Berger Blanc Suisse. And in all honesty, I still plan on getting one! I still think they would be better suited to my needs, and I certainly prefer the look and size of them! But, I couldn’t find a good BBS breeder near me, and shipping/flying out was likely not an option either. Now that I know more of where to look, I have my eye on a few, but… That’s neither here nor there.

6. I was worried that the dog would wash out. I couldn’t be sure that I would be able to afford regular training, as I am paid based off of commissions, and knew my parents wouldn’t make it a priority (i was correct). This meant that there was a pretty decent chance that the dog would wash out, because I was the only one who’d be training him. I didn’t really have any local dog training friends, all I had was some practice on Simon and a plethora of videos and research. Which meant that the dog washing out had to be taken into account from the start. I’m not a person who would be able to rehome a dog I raised as my own, though I understand why and how others do. But I definitely needed some sort of backup plan. Border collies are good at sports, make decent pets in case the dog washed out into an ESA, and yet also were okay service dog prospects! Not ideal, but it was one of the closest I could find to an ideal dog. A little bit of sensitivity seemed like a decent trade off for a dog who I knew I could do a ton of things with, even if my plans well through.

7. I’d been looking into BC’s already, more as a backup plan if I couldn’t locate a BBS breeder that would/could work with me, when I got a recommendation towards a BC breeder. I went in, looked at her page, looked at her dogs, joined her pup group and poked around, and finally sent her a message, asking if she was going to have any future breedings that would supply a dog with the temperament I needed. She messaged back saying she had a puppy there already who fit, and we worked out a discount contract. I’d already had some money saved up between commissions and some donations, and my parents offered to cover the rest of the cost. After that, its history.

I’m sure I forgot something, but that’s… a lot of info anyways.

I want to be very clear though, now that I’m at the end.

I don’t regret getting Wander. I am not on good terms with his breeder anymore, after a lot of drama, but I do know a lot of people who own her dogs, and like them very well. I love Wander a lot, and he really was the perfect dog for me at the time. I don’t know if I’d change any of my choices if I had the chance; I can’t claim to know that.He’s not perfect. I’m not perfect. I call him a service dog in training still because I feel that he very much is. I can’t say for sure that I’d wash him out. He has flaws, and I am afraid that they’re worse than I think. But when given the opportunity to act out or be afraid? He doesn’t. He constantly surpasses my expectations.He does have a few issues caused by my dad when he was a puppy; Barking at strangers, for example, or people leaning over him, which makes him a bit nervous.He also is not a perfect dog because I’m not a perfect trainer. With the right experience, I think Wander would have already been a fully fledged service dog. But I don’t have that experience; I couldn’t give him that.

If you wanted reasons to go for a border collie as a service dog, there are plenty.They make great dogs if they wash out. They pay attention to you. They’re ready to go whenever you want or need to. They aren’t grooming heavy. They’re not as talkative as some other breeds (Wander for example is near silent). They’re gorgeous, multipurpose dogs.But there are just as many, if not more reasons to go with a golden, or a lab, or a poodle.So my advice, unsolicited as it might be, is to make sure that your reasons, however many there are, are weighed correctly. I had fewer reasons to go with a border collie, but they were more important reasons to me. They weighed more than the reasons I could have chosen another breed.

Next time, I doubt I’ll get a border collie. But for me, with the timing and other concerns I had? A border collie, especially Wander, was the perfect choice.

I’d also definitely rather have a trainer next time, but I’d also have rather had one this time too.

[missxdelaney]

i didn’t mention it at the time but on the last day of my honeymoon, i basically disowned my mother. 

i haven’t seen or spoken to her since january 2015, until she messaged me on facebook in september. she asked why i wasn’t talking to her and i tried to explain as best (and as kindly) as i could that i have always felt a little disconnected from her and that i wasn’t ready to see her yet and that i needed some more time. i didn’t really know how to tell her that i was getting married and that she wasn’t invited so i just... didn’t tell her.

now, if you don’t know me, so far this might make me appear like a complete arse wipe, but we have a bad history. she left when i was young and i was raised in parts between (mostly) my grandparents and then by my single dad who was back in education and trying to start a new career. i didn’t see my mum for 2 years from ages 6-8 and then after saw her alternate weekends. she sat and drank and watched tv and smoked whenever i was at her house. i grew up, saw her less and less until eventually.. this. she’s racist, she’s xenophobic, she’s homophobic and ableist. her facebook is covered in brexit propaganda and st george’s cross. she has a niece with severe autism and her and her husband refer to my autistic niece as a retard and a mong and say disgusting things about her that would make your skin crawl. i told her off frequently for all of it, but as you can imagine, she thinks im a liberal leftie snowflake who’s too sensitive. she voted for brexit because (and i quote) “my boss is a polish cunt and i want her gone. there are too many polish fuckers about. also pakis. fuck them pakis” her and her husband would also yell the ‘n’ word at the tv when a black person came on... yeah. this is the kind of person she is.

anyway. she found i got married via facebook. i didn’t hide it from her. she started making not so vague (public) posts about selling all my art and burning things i had left at her place or given her as a gift on a bonfire with my aunt. i ignored it. she posted more. i ignored it. she posted even more. i ignored.she assumed that i didn’t talk to her anymore because i am now a snob and am too good for a working class family.

then she went for joe. publically. on facebook. she tagged him in a post that said we went behind her back and got married without telling her and how pissed off she was amongst other things. please keep in mind that joe has just started an amazing management role in his job and he has a lot of his colleagues on facebook and how embarassing and unprofessional it would look for something like that to pop up on his facebook. i was mad. 

i privately messaged her to tell her how unnacceptable her tagging joe was and that this had nothing to do with him. i sent an essay up to the word limit of why i didn’t invite her.

she responded with: “don’t say anymore. you only ever think about yourself. i don’t care about joe. he should know what a selfish bitch he’s married.”

sooo. that was it. didn’t reply. unfriended. blocked. she doesn’t have my number. she doesn’t know where i live. i will never see her again and i actually feel great about it. no more guilt. 

:)

[madamn-secretary]

@aromantic-official‘s Pride Questions: Week Two

@aromantic-official‘s Pride Questions: Week Two

1. What aro-spectrum labels, terms, descriptors, and identities do you identify with?

I’m all out aromantic (pun intended) and I’m big on the sensual, aesthetic and platonic attractions. I get all of them a lot, and gender doesn’t really matter. Which is a fun time to explain to people, especially when I’m also out as asexual. 

2. Talk about other aspects of your identity that are important to you, that are meaningful parts of you like your aromanticism, such as ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, neurodivergence, mental illness, chronic illness, disabilities, etc.

K, so I’m also asexual and possibly non-binary. Idk, gender feels a little weird to me. For now, I introduce myself as a cis woman, but I’m not really sure that’s right anymore. I’m very sex-repulsed atm, although that hasn’t always been the case. Some stuff happened last year and it had some unfortunate fall out and while I totally accept and respect everyone’s right to have whatever kind of consentual sex they want...please keep it far away from me.

I’ve got borderline personality (I don’t like to call it a disorder, because while it’s a shitshow at times, it’s also amazing in a way. Also, it’s my brain. How can it really be a disorder?), plus depression and bulimia (in remission- I don’t like to say recovered, I can feel it in the back of my brain sometimes). I think I might also be autistic, and it’s something that a couple of medical ppl have flagged, but I’m still feeling it out. Because of these, my emotions are very fixated and very strong, when I have them. When I don’t, I just kind of feel nothing. Like...late Sunday afternoon when it’s sunny and lazy and there’s dust catching sunlight and it feels like a vaguely unpleasant limbo? 

3. How do other aspects of your identity intersect with or affect your aromanticism?

So, I get really fixated on things (thanks autism) and they pretty much take my whole life and I  l o v e  them (that’s the BPD). And when I get..I guess it’s a squish, on someone it’s really hard to differentiate from a crush. Except, whenever I sit down and go “Okay feelings, but what do you actually want?” it’s never romantic. I’ve started calling them squishy obsessions (I know, I’m also leery of my language choice, it’s a work in progress) because I don’t know how else to explain that yes, it’s a squish but it’s fucking intense as all hell to people. 

Also, BPD brings with it mood swings and what I love one minute I might hate, or at least be entirely apathetic about, the next. So people talk about dating for years at a time and being in love and childhood sweethearts and I just...sounds fake but okay? Or like, they act like feeling is everything and if you don’t feel it then it’s gone? Which...I find so unbelievably weird. I get angry on a flipping wrong word, like, full blown rage mode (internally. I never take my anger out on other people, because I can tell when I’m BPD angry and keep a hold on it). Doesn’t matter whether you’re a stranger or my best friend, I can hate you. But I also know that eventually all the firey emotions will pass and odds are I will probably still have the warm glow love feeling still, so I just act like I’m still feeling that. Or I forget feelings. Like, my mum came to visit me, and I love her, but I saw her and I felt nothing. I love her, but for a few days she was just a person I’d known all my life. Which makes it hard when she and I butt heads, or she wants to do something I don’t, or she’s telling me what to do, because I don’t feel any care for her, so it’s like some stranger doing all these things and it’s irritating. But I know I love her and that feeling will come back eventually. But this whole thing seems weird to people? 

4. Have any of your identities impacted you realizing you were aromantic, your questioning process, or coming to terms with it?

Those squishes were hell for my process of working out my aromantic identity. I was so sure that I was aro, but then I kept coming back to the question of these feelings and I knew what squishes were, but these were so intense. They still are, but I know better where I sit with them and with myself. I ID’d as wtf/quioromantic for a while, because I decided I was definitely on the aro spectrum and that was the best I could do for myself. Now I’m comfortable saying I’m aromantic and it feels more right. 

[ol-razzle-dazazzle]

All the gay asks bc you made me do all of them

OWO thank you I love you1. describe your idea of a perfect dateAll of them??? Kakhiwkdkalgr walking around the beach or going to a bookstore or maybe a forest to chill or an abandoned place for a spooky date??? Movie date??? Ocean date??? Marriage date??? All good!!! Crab catching would certainly be on the agenda though. The oceans the best2. whats your “type”My type? Uhh anyone that’s nice to me lmao. Someone i can joke with and I know that cares about me. Quiet on the outside but like, nurturing and fun when you get to know em. Someone that doesn’t let people treat em like garbage because i yearn to be like that. On a side note I’m not sure why but most people i used to tend to have crushes on were ISFJs (or ESFJs) probably because they fit the criteria above. I don’t really like people that are totally my personality, and I think it’s important to not surround yourself with yes people or people that vehemently disagree with you. And communication! V important In terms of looks though? The kinds of girls I’m attracted to vary a lot actually. Buff girls soft girls tall girls short girls thin girls medium girls big tiddy little tiddy it’s all good. I guess I tend to prefer girls that aren’t white (not in a fetishistic way of course it’s just most girls that I’ve had crushes on or knew that were gay that were white just had really bad personalities and that brand of White Feminism™️ sorry if I worded this poorly) brown or black hair I guess? Just someone that doesn’t look like me adjnrujbslltgbk. Also someone I can squish and hug nicely. Of course I think there’s a lotta bullshit with people limiting themselves to only a few criteria and the racism or body type discrimination is total bullshit. Fetishisation is just as bad. There’s just so many cute girls out there why be a shitlord to people y’know? 3. do you want kids?Later on in life, if my partner would then yeah sure why not. I hate babies though so I would...4. if you do, will you adopt or use some other form of child birth?Adopt definitely. I’d personally prefer to adopt a kid that’s older, because they have a less chance of being chosen and I want them to be raised in a loving environment. 5. describe the cutest date you’ve ever been onI’ve never been on an actual date ;v; but tbh any date I’d have with my gf would automatically top the list6. describe your experience having sex for the first time (were you nervous? or was it easy peasy?)I’ve never had sex so I got no gosh dang clue aside from fantasies, which I would be nervous as heck but ultimately want to be as adoring as possible and kisses everywhere7. are you a morning time gay or night time gay?Mornings when you don’t have to go to things are amazing and beautiful but otherwise afternoon or night time gay. Anything that isn’t midday is good though8. opinion on nap dates?I’d be down for it. Sleeping is great, but cuddling and sleeping? Even better! Doesn’t matter for how long but yes! Good shit!!! 9. opinion on brown eyes?Only the most beautiful thing ever??? Brown and black eyes being ugly is a government lie, they are gorgeous. Black eyes just have that deep obsidian stare and like an adoring cat with dialated pupils you just want to hug, and brown eyes??? When the light hits them or you’re staring into them? Beautiful galaxies my dude. 10. dog gay or cat gay?I love dogs but I would never own one unless my partner wanted one. They’re just not a companion I prefer to cats. Cats are very good and fluffy and compact in comparison to dogs. Dogs are amazing though and I need to pay every one I see. 11. would you ever date someone who owned rodents or reptiles?Dude we already planned to live in a pseudo-barn to have crabs, rats, bats, cats and lizards 12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someoneSomeone who’s very ‘my way or the high way’. (My mum’s a lot like this and it’s caused me to try to constantly be appeasing. But with my mental illness I’ve gotten a lot more irritated by it.) Or someone that is a bit too mean I’m joking about people to the point where you don’t know if they’re serious. (I have this problem a lot with ‘friends’ and it leads to a lot of doubts and depression.) Also highly argumentative people who want to seem better than you and debate everything you say. (Just...ew.)13. what is a misconception you had about lgbt people before you realized you were one?I live in a homophobic family, so I used to think gay was a swear word lmao. I was told that we were unnatural, burning in hell, hypersexual, all that shit. Issues on trans people were even worse, and back when I considered the possibility of me being a trans man (while I experience dysphoria In my body I don’t think I would ID as a man- at the time I didn’t know what agender identities were) I was made to feel like it was the worst thing ever or that it didn’t exist that everyone was just straight and ‘normal’ 14. what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger selfDon’t pretend you’re aroace to hide who you are, you’re autistic but that’s okay just don’t overwhelm yourself, try to do things to the best you can. Also toxic feminity/masculinity is bullshit don’t feel guilty about wearing anything. You’re gay it’s so much easier now and don’t let people dictate of make you defend yourself 15. (if attracted to more than one gender) do you have different “types” for different genders?Lmao nah. There is always that awkward moment when you think you see a hot butch but then he’s a twink. Bamboozled again. 16. who is an ex you regret?A few years ago I was forced into a relationship with some rude ass dude who ignored that I ID’d as aroace at the time. I guess at the time I had some comp het so I think that’s why I went along with it? It was kinda some toxic shit like nothing nsfw but he was just a huge dick that went off at the slightest disagreement and I’m glad I got rid of that trash lmao17. night club gay or cafe gay?Cafe gay by far!!! Well I’ve never been to a night club, but I’m someone who gets overwhelmed by loud noises and people, so it wouldn’t be the place for me. Cafes are relaxing18. who is one person you would “go straight” forNo one lmao, The only possibility of slightly me becoming straight is like a fictional character19. video game gay, book gay, or movie gay?Books and video game gay! There needs to be more gaymes, but books are good I just have less time to read them as opposed to gaymes which I can do whenever 20. favourite gay ship (canon or not)Probably RenMerry from Touhou! These two mean a lot to me, and got me into the series that helped me realise I was a lesbian! These two just work so well together that I strive to have a relationship like that- a slightly bickery old couple with the freshness of new adventure tied together with a love that will never fade away even as it transcends borders~21. favourite gay youtuberDon’t really have one. I’m not really into the British youtuber scene and the ones that I do sub don’t really talk about their sexuality or not (I think sailor j might be bi? But that’s about it) I usually watch comedy channels or vocaloid covers. Actually Oktavia’s Gay, yeah let’s go with her. Her voice is amazing and made me realise how much I love deep voices22. have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person?Ahbkowejkboesh I’ve had crushes on straight people that I’ve wanted to hang out with but no of course not I’m too shy for that shit23. have you ever been in love?Yes! And I’m still doing so right now! 24. have you ever been heartbroken?While in a relationship? No. But like the whole ‘falling in love with a straight girl senpai and then everyone tells her that you have a crush on her which causes you to be distant to each other leading you to cry copiously at her graduation and never truly repairing your friendship which is all you ever wanted and never being able to talk to her again?’ ...y yeah 25. how do you determine if you want to be them or be with someoneHonestly I try to make a distinction between ‘people I have crushes on’ and ‘people I would date’ bc yeah someone might be cute but dating is another story. I’m someone who varies a lot in style (as someone who may possibly be gender fluid or agender but hasnthad the opportunity to explore that for family reasons) 26. favourite lgbt musician/bandUhhh Queen I guess? Idk I need more gay shit recommend me please. Queen is quality shit though 27. what is a piece of advice you have for young / baby gaysDon’t ever feel the need to apologise or defend you being gay. Be happy even if other people aren’t about you. If you’re autistic chances are you’ll question your identity, don’t worry about it and just love who you love. If you’re a lesbian especially don’t apologise or feel you have to be in a certain role to ‘be truly gay’ and also please ask people out otherwise you’ll never get anywhere- all lesbians are useless and I got lucky shjgowkgowlgr. But above all, don’t feel guilty and have fun exploring yourself and fleshing our who you are, even if you can’t always show that out loud. 28. are you out? if so how did you come outI’m not out to any family member (I say that I’m aroace but they believe I’m straight despite jokes on the contrary) but pretty much everyone that isn’t a complete stranger knows. I can’t help but talk adoringly over my girlfriend so it just happens. Otherwise I go on some spheal about homophobic bullshit dropping hints that I’m gay before saying I’m gay. It’s led to some shittalking and other various bullshit but I don’t give a fuck anymore 29. what is the most uncomfortable / strange coming out experience you have Believing I was aroace and my friends saying that i was in denial of being gay. I was like ‘lmao Domi’s just a friend I lowkey have a crush on her but she’s just being nice :^)’ then like a week later burst through the door like BITCH GUESS WHOS GAY FOR HER GIRLFRIEND 30. what is a piece of advice for people who may not be in a safe place to express their sexualityEvaluate the consequences of coming out. While I live in a homophobic family, Australia is somewhat accepting and there’s no conversion therapy to my knowledge at least (there are highly fundamentalist Christian groups but I’m not sure if they include forms of violence) Especially if you are in an anti-gay country or an area where you could be persecuted, I think it’s important to be out to at least one person you know who supports you. It could be online or a friend that you know you could trust (if you don’t know if you could try subtly bring it up and see their reaction, but better safe than sorry.) because it’s hard to go through this entirely alone. While it’s important to be unapologetic of who you are, it’s more important to protect yourself- this doesn’t make you wrong, but the people who make you feel wrong wrong.

[eeee-lye]

Reply post!

I’ll say first that I’m pretty short on spoons today. I got stuck in two long queues yesterday holding objects in my bad hand (there was nowhere to put them) and my left wrist and right shoulder are making me suffer today, so all the things I said I would do I, well, won’t. Guess who won’t be spending a quiet evening writing...

I’m not sure I haven’t missed someone, but if I have, I apologise. I’ve been subjected to bathroom cleaner and perfume today. My head’s kind of loopy.

@sevenraptors said:

I hope you do get a night to yourself in new year’s eve, sounds like everything had been awful. Unrelated, except you mentioned it elsewhere: I had been thinking about getting battle magic.  I had read the circle of magic a few years back, and recently reread them and read the circle opens and the will of the empress - I thought to read them because of you talking about them, I am glad I did. Had been thinking of getting Battle Magic soon, but maybe I will wait…

But mostly, I hope you get a break from your family and their awfulness, and I also hope that the new year brings new pain management techniques (I saw from one of your posts that the steroid shot didn’t end up helping - I was sorry to hear that)

Thank you. *hug* I started working on my Battle Magic post, but my wrist has other ideas. I have to say, you should probably read it anyway, because you want to know what happens, but structurally and technically it isn’t as good as her earlier books, and at some point I will tell everyone why. I’ll either manage the post or tell you in person!

I see my GP on Thursday, and hopefully we can discuss what to do next. I am so tired of struggling to do everything when I’m not even doing that much, compared to full time work. It’s so distressing, especially now I’m more motivated mentally.

@galileoace: my hand spoons are not here today, but I will give you something at least. I remember when I gave you something I wrote, as a not-yet-diagnosed autistic, that was me purposefully exploring my sensory processing symptoms and unintentionally/accidentally exploring autism, not knowing that they go together in me. (I’ve been slowly reworking this to write this book as featuring an actually autistic character, as in the story is deliberately and purposefully about a character coming to realise they’re autistic. And then I started writing Kit March, which isn’t about autistic realisation as much as autistic ownership. I much prefer this approach.) And you asked me if I’d based this character on you, and I was all hell no, ze’s me. I take this to mean that you are significantly autistic and connected to the experience of being autistic that a character accidentally written about my autism (and pieces of my dissociation, trauma and depression/suicidal ideation) is close enough to your experience that you felt the need to ask this question, and if that isn’t connection, I don’t know what is.

(Plus it’s something that’s kept me going whenever the “if I were really autistic I wouldn’t have been diagnosed so late” song of bullshit plays. An autistic thinks I’m autistic enough that I can unknowingly write an autistic-coded character she thinks is based on her. I cling so hard to that.)

@pink-rainbow-sparkles said:

A note when there is conflict seems like it is unhelpful and unkind, but masquerading as being both. I feel like your mother is both shutting down communication and getting the last word in, with the ability to say that she wasn’t doing either and was just trying to do something nice. If she is not able to recognise that you are unhappy about the situation and would have words you might want to say in response I guess it would be a different matter.

Oh, Mum thinks she’s being helpful and kind, but even her kind acts are about keeping the world going the way she wants it. I am seldom given an opportunity to properly express how I feel with her, and she doesn’t listen to me even when I try it. (I’m always speaking too loudly or too aggressively or crying too much or reading off a sheet of paper instead of looking her in the eyes--any way I come up with of avoiding previous complaints about my communication is wrong. If I’m calm, I’m too calm and dispassionate and not caring about their feelings. If I’m in any way emotional, I need to calm down and behave like an adult. I only communicate acceptably when it’s something she wants to hear.) She’s very good at denying me this, actually--the whole “agree to disagree” part of our previous clash is another of those techniques. So yes, this is absolutely another silencing technique, the only acceptable response from me being my saying how right she is. Since I can’t and won’t lie, no other response is the correct one.

I would prefer the kind of kindness that comes with fewer pretty notes and more willingness to talk with me instead of at me and then listen to what I have to say...