#and when janeway told him because you’re home

[basket-of-loquats]

homecoming

[terapsina]

Kathryn Janeway/Chakotay. Post-Voyager, return home. (If you’ve seen Prodigy pre-Prodigy before Chakotay receives his commission as Captain. If you’re up to it, lightly touching on the Chakotay and Seven of it all? Seven might have left for the Rangers at this point. It’s alright if that’s too much of a prompt!)

(okay, this will take place closer to Post-Voyager era than Pre-Prodigy era but does take place inside that frame of time. Also, I couldn't find any specific dates about when exactly Seven joined the Rangers so let's just assume here that it happened pretty soon after they returned home (for various reasons but mostly because I think Seven would have grown restless pretty quickly and also because I just can't imagine she and Chakotay lasted very long at all)).

-

ao3

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Chakotay and Kathryn were fine.

Completely fine. In comparison to the seven years aboard Voyager where they stayed at the constant edge of destruction, with the threat of losing all the souls aboard the ship that they were responsible for constantly biting at their heels, they were more than fine now.

They met for weekly dinners. They no longer argued because of the stress of their positions; because all they'd sacrificed of themselves had hollowed them out into a Captain and a First Officer and very little else. The frost that had grown in the cracks of their friendship had thawed during this past year home. They were sharing jokes again and enjoyed perfectly pleasant conversations in each other's company.

They discussed how their weeks had gone; and how Kathryn and him were adjusting to being home again. They talked about their sisters and shared whatever news they'd heard from the crew lately. Talked about the latest antics of Kathryn's two dogs - both the grand-pups of the Irish Setter she'd left behind on Earth when she'd been ordered to capture Chakotay an eternity ago. Mollie herself had lived only two months past the Voyager's return, Chakotay's heart still twinged remembering the way Kathryn had tried to keep up a strong face when she'd told him about the dog's passing.

They were fine. Really, they were better than they'd been in a really long time now.

Chakotay should have been happy about it, - and admittedly there was the relief that he hadn't lost Kathryn entirely. Their return to the Alpha Quadrant had given him his best friend back and...

...and Chakotay was miserable.

"You remember I told you how the voice reader for the replicator broke last week and I had to put it on manual? Well, Faba figured out this morning how to make the cursed thing spit out the last meal programmed in there, when I got home from Starfleet Command the entire kitchen floor was covered in dog food. You can't imagine the guilty looks on her and Capulus when they saw me." Kathryn's eyes danced with amusement as she took a sip of wine from her glass.

Chakotay's own lips pulled up at the corners, the initial moment entirely genuine because when Kathryn Janeway smiled the entire room brightened.

But the smile fell away a moment too quickly and ever observant, Kathryn noticed. "I'm sorry, Chakotay, I'm hogging the conversation this evening. You seem to have something on your mind?"

"No," he said, forcing forward another smile, hoping this one would better disguise his melancholy mood. "It's simply been a long week, I'm just tired, I think."

He saw Kathryn's eyes go to the timepiece hanging on the wall behind him and cursed himself for the chosen excuse. He didn't intend to make her think he was too tired for her company.

"It is getting late, I suppose I'll see you next week. Same time? Or do you have plans?" At the beginning of their post-return dinners, Chakotay had tried to read some kind of tightness in Kathryn's voice when she asked about his plans. Selfishly hoping for a sign that their implied existence might bother her, that there still existed traces of the feelings that years ago he'd been certain were there. But there was never anything except polite curiosity.

He was starting to suspect that whatever potential had been there had been destroyed by his stupidity and the very badly timed mid-life crisis that had tripped him just before the finish line.

"No plans," he told her and did his very best not to inquire after her own. He knew his question would be full of the unvoiced things lacking in hers.

"Speaking of, have you heard from Seven recently? She's been hard to get a hold of since she joined the Fenris Rangers."

"No," he said, avoiding Kathryn's eyes as he always did whenever she mentioned Seven of Nine now. He wished she'd stop. Or that she'd finally address the splinter he'd seen her ignoring for eleven months now. When Chakotay had told her that he and Seven had parted ways barely weeks after landing on Earth, she'd inquired if he was okay and revealed not a hint of emotion more. Not anger. Not relief. Not disappointment. Nothing. He might as well have been Harry Kim telling her how he'd broken up with one of the Delaney twins again. "But B'Elanna mentioned receiving a subspace message from her a few weeks ago so I wouldn't send out any alarms yet."

"Good." Kathryn smiled again, swallowing another deeper mouthful of the wine Chakotay had brought over earlier, and finishing the glass.

She wasn't as careful as usual though - being out of uniform and off the deck of the Voyager had made her freer in a number of tiny ways - and his eyes trailed a tiny spill of red as it escaped the corner of Kathryn's mouth and slid over her chin before gliding slowly down her neck.

Heat sliced clean through his lower stomach as he hastily averted his eyes, this time to hide the hunger that had no doubt visibly flashed across his face. Chakotay sent a silent thank you to the spirits of his ancestors for her eyes having remained closed while she enjoyed the last sip.

Maybe he really should start getting ready to leave.

Candlelight, wine, and Kathryn were not a combination that inspired all that much sanity in Chakotay. He'd thought he'd developed at least a partial immunity in the later years of their journey, as that brightly burning hope he'd cradled in his heart had eventually begun to be smothered by the innumerable trials and tribulations; by the thousand small cuts and steadily growing walls.

Of course, he'd pretty much found out exactly how wrong he was on that point the first time he'd seen her after the former members of the Maquis had received their official pardons from the Federation. When the entire crew had shown up to celebrate and he'd looked across the ballroom someone - probably Paris - had reserved for the event, when for the first time in years had seen Kathryn instead of Captain Janeway.

She'd been wearing a dark red dress that had hugged her front nearly like a second skin and let only air touch half her back. The dress had been tasteful and elegant of course, as anything Kathryn wore always was but Chakotay had known he was fucked the moment his eyes had landed on her. The feeling was yet to leave.

"Next week, then." He confirmed.

"Goodnight, Chakotay," Kathryn said and walked around the dinner table to give him a brief hug and a kiss on his cheek. His eyes slid closed at the singing sensation of her lips against his skin.

Right, that. If ever someone tried to convince him this woman didn't have a cruel bone in her body he might just have to point and laugh. Hysterically.

He opened his mouth to return the goodnight when something that had been steadily straining and stretching for months and months finally snapped.

"Are you ever going to forgive me, Kathryn?" he asked, exhaustion heavy in his voice and eyes still closed. He wasn't sure he could bear seeing her face if he was really starting this conversation.

"What?"

"I promised something to you once, and broke it just before it would have finally been time to fulfill it."

"You never promised me anything." And finally, he heard the tightness in Kathryn's voice he'd been looking for.

He opened his eyes and looked at her, letting her see all the things he'd shielded from her in the Delta Quadrant when showing them would have left his Captain bleeding.

"I did and you know I did, Kathryn. Never aloud because it would have hurt you to hear it. But we both knew."

And finally, finally, anger flashed like lightning in Kathryn's eyes.

"Why did it have to be Seven, Chakotay?"

"I don't know." And he didn't know. He'd asked himself that question a hundred times and never found a good answer. Not one that put him in any kind of good light anyway.

Male ego. Because a part of him had known that it would be the one way he'd actually be able to hurt Kathryn the way she'd been hurting him for years by then. Because he thought he couldn't hurt Kathryn at all and had to finally prove it to himself somehow. Because Seven had shown interest, and he'd been so very tired, and it could have been anyone at all. Because he'd been losing hope.

He didn't know.

"We were supposed to return to Earth together. You were supposed to be right beside me. It was supposed to--"

"I know. I'm sorry, Kathryn," Chakotay whispered and dared to wipe an angry tear from her face.

"And it's not like I had any right to feel--"

He smiled thinly. "And when I found you on Quarra I had no right to want to cave in Jaffen's face. Or that Irish hologram's. Or Q's."

And oh, how Chakotay had wanted to.

"I--" she looked startled like she hadn't suspected any of that. There was something nearly impressive about that, the crew certainly seemed to have steered clear of Chakotay for a solid week after every event where their captain had gotten courted by one alien or another.

Well, steered clear by everyone except Paris and Tuvok. And B'Elanna. But Paris had long since proven himself to be just a bit suicidal to a degree that had eventually earned him Chakotay's respect. And Tuvok was... well, Tuvok.

And B'Elanna just didn't count.

"I had no right. You had no right. But it hurt me, and then I hurt you. And I need to know if you're going to forgive me. Because it still hurts, Kathryn." He cupped the side of her face, barely letting his fingers graze her skin. "You're my best friend. And my partner for eight years now. And you're always going to be the love of my life. I will accept whatever answer you give me, even if you tell me that there's a part of you that's going to hate me forever. But please, Kathryn, I need to know."

Finished, Chakotay fell silent.

Kathryn stared at him with angry, anguished eyes. Then she closed them and Chakotay had to force himself not to shudder.

He could take whatever blow she threw. He'd survive it. Not entirely whole, maybe, but he would survive.

"There is an ancient legend among my people," she said, nearly entirely under her breath but Chakotay still felt the universe come to a stop; could feel the Earth itself halt in its spin. "It is about a Lonely Sea Captain who had lost her way in a storm, and to bring her people home she made a deal with the gods. She locked her heart in a wooden chest and promised them she would not open it until they reached shore. But there was a Brave Warrior aboard her ship too, who worried that without any heart at all the Lonely Sea Captain would be lost - and he was right, she would have been - so he gave her his heart to carry while her own was locked away. She wasn't always kind to that gifted heart, wasn't always careful with it, - and sometimes, sometimes she was afraid she'd lost it - but it gave her strength, and it gave her hope, and it brought her home."

"Is there really an ancient legend?" he whispered, barely daring to breathe. Caught in her gaze like a fly in a spider-silk web.

"No." Another tear began to slide down Kathryn's cheek. "But that made it easier to say."

Chakotay leaned forward and kissed that precious pearl of salt from her cheek.

"The Captain never lost her Warrior's heart," he assured her softly and waited patiently with his lips pressed into her cheek until she moved her head and kissed him.

---

(fun fact: Capulus is Latin for Coffee and Faba is Latin for Bean).

[iambic-stan]

Portobello gills

Another Star Trek-themed heart story, featuring Voyager's Doctor and an Ensign/former member of the Maquis. These stories are all very silly but I hope someone enjoys them. :) And here's a sorta related gif of The Doctor and Kes.

This is the moment I built myself up to, but now I’m worried that I read it wrong.  My assumption was incorrect—the EMH did not have stethoscopes entered into his database already.  They must be such outdated medical tools that his programmers saw no need for him to be even tangentially aware of them.  I’ve just spent the last twenty minutes explaining what mine is, what it’s for, and trying to eloquently describe what it all means to me.  He has become so still that I’m almost afraid he’s malfunctioned somehow and deactivated without either of our commands.  “Doctor,” I say a little loudly, reaching across the couch to touch his shoulder.  I know he’s photonic energy, but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t feel like flesh.  He stares into my eyes, but it's like he sees nothing. “Please state the nature of the medical—just kidding, Ensign,” he laughs.  I shake my head and smile, glancing down at my shimmering pastel stethoscope sitting between us.  My vision blurs slightly, my astigmatism causing the glint of the glitter to expand in an odd way.  It takes me a second longer than it should to focus.  Maybe I’ve had too much to drink, but at least I haven’t inadvertently activated some subroutine I wouldn’t understand how to deactivate.  Somehow, in the last couple of hours of candor, something clicked for me. I’ve told him about my house on Earth, my partner, my cats, and my job as a freshman composition instructor, before I joined the Maquis.  I’ve heard his stories about sickbay challenges, his growing fondness for Kes and revelations about her species, and his fantasies about taking command of Voyager and demanding the same respect and admiration Janeway enjoys.  Now I’m asking him to listen to my heart, and this has somehow put a wrench in what was an enjoyable evening, a distraction from the dullness of waiting to get home.  Is it a step too far?  How do you know when you and a hologram are on the same page, emotionally?

“So you’re anxious about something?  What are your symptoms?” he asks.  “It’s nothing like that!” I say, laughing, wishing at this moment I’d tabled this until later, or maybe never.  “I just think it’s really cool,” I say, immediately realizing my mistake. “Is it warm in here?" He asks sarcastically.  "Maybe you had too much synthehol?”  I have to look at him for a second to realize he’s joking again, and at my expense, really. “You realize I use a much more efficient instrument to scan multiple vital signs for multiple crew members all day?  What about this is different, other than it being less comprehensive and less efficient?  At the risk of sounding like a Vulcan, is this logical?”  I take in a deep breath.  I know he's well aware that I'm not asking him to be my doctor, at least not at this moment.  I was obviously unprepared for this conversation, and I can feel my heart pounding away in my chest--a circumstance that, unfortunately, makes me yearn to be listened to even more.

“It’s more intimate,” I explain.  “And I brought it up because I feel close to you.  I want to share my heart with you.  I mean…metaphorically.  It’s been great…being one of the humanoids you connect with.  I hope that we can still be friends after we’re back home.  Keep in touch somehow, if you decide to stay aboard Voyager?  So yeah…I’m fond of you, I love seeing you develop into someone more complex than the guy I first met.  I don't know if you've thought about it this way, but that is very relatable to me, as a human who is also continually changed by my own experiences, as that's practically unavoidable.  And I would just love it, if you listened to my heart."  The last five words tumble out of my mouth almost as one jumbled mess, so difficult to say out loud.  I have to get better at that, I think.

I grow silent while he considers what I've said.  "I greatly enjoy your company," he begins.  Then, with some hesitation: "I'm just not sure how that is connected to your request."  He throws his arms up in the air, a little exasperated, or at least appearing to be.  I know that the human doctor he was programmed to simulate, a Lewis Zimmerman from New Jersey, was notoriously ill-tempered, stubborn, and condescending, and our EMH did not stray from that programming easily when he was first activated full-time.  It was only when Janeway agreed to expand his programming--both out of necessity and later at the Doctor's request--that he developed a personality all his own.  My hope for him when we reach the Alpha Quadrant is that the Federation will grant him personhood on the basis of his sentience, because I'm finding the differences between us continually grow smaller. A precedent has already been set, if not for holograms, then sentient androids, I believe, with Data on The Enterprise.  Whatever happens, I like to think I've helped him figure out his individuality, just as he's helped me feel much less lonely on Voyager.

“Am I bothering you with this?  Was it a mistake to bring it up?  I’m having a nice evening and I’m not trying to ruin anything,” I say.  “You’re fine,” he assures me.  “I’m simply curious.  I want to understand and apparently, I just don’t.  I have researched human bonding activities rather extensively.  In the context of friendship, at least when it comes to Americans like yourself, evidently there’s little physical contact involved.  Humans enjoy hunting for sport, drinking—like you’re doing, dining out together (except I don't consume food), and this game that involves throwing or kicking a sort of oval-shaped leather ball over a goal but is also rather violent...”  I’m trying not to laugh at the poor man as he describes American football as no one from my hometown has ever heard it.  “But this is not a romantic gesture of some kind?  I’ve read about those, too, and—“ I have to stop him.  “No, it’s ok—it’s not meant to be a romantic gesture.  I still have hope that I’m going to get home to my partner, you know?  But it's very emotional.  I have strong feelings about it.  If that's not obvious.”  He sighs.  “Well, despite all of my research into social skills and relationships, I’ve never found a reference to this outside of a medical setting.  I don’t know what you expect me to do, if not behave as a trained physician.  Perhaps I should be advised on how to act and what to say.”

It dawns on me that it is confusing to his mind to be asked to do something for which the only context he has is the wrong one.  And there was no prior reason for him to deviate from the parameters that were programmed into him.  “So the thing is,” I explain slowly because my heart is pounding in my ears and I’m beginning to feel so embarrassed that I want to hurl myself out of an airlock and into the Delta quadrant void.  “I really like being on the other end of a stethoscope.  Like, a lot.  It makes me feel loved and safe.  It's very sensual.  I understand that hearts are organs that don’t have opinions, but I feel like my heart lives for being listened to.  That’s my thing, admittedly—but I thought you might get something out of it, too.  You know how to read a medical tricorder; you know everything that might cause a minor fluctuation in any given reading of the dozens or maybe hundreds that your device can keep track of.  But have you ever actually just listened to someone's life force, in real time, with them sitting beside you?  An unusual shared experience, right?  Just permitted yourself to exist in that moment, outside of anything in your life that's causing you stress?  And pondered that for all it represents?  I can't tell you what to say or how to act.  It just depends on what comes to mind for you, what you feel.  Maybe you'll never want to do it again, or maybe you'll enjoy it and then you can just say whatever you want to say.  Or keep that to yourself if you'd rather, you know?  It would mean a lot to me, anyway, but it's up to you," I add sheepishly.

"No one has ever said that," he says, appearing dumbfounded and...impressed, is it?  "Which part?" I ask nervously.  "You said 'anything in your life that's causing you stress.'  You acknowledged that I could experience stress.  That I have a life.  I haven't even been active for more than two and a half years."  "Well, we all have to start somewhere?  Why wouldn't I refer to that as your life?" I ask.  He doesn't reply, but takes the stethoscope and affixes it in his ears, uncertainly.  “Do I look like a 21st century doctor?” he asks, smiling almost haughtily.  “I wouldn’t know firsthand, but yes?” I offer, shrugging.  He moves closer to me on the couch and places the chestpiece in the middle of my chest.   Immediately he blurts out an, "Oh!" and then "I didn't know it would be so loud.  And so fast."  "Yeah, I didn't realize you'd just like, go for it just then," I say, staring at the floor, giggling.  "But I'm glad."  Slowly, he starts to move the chestpiece around, listening everywhere: pulmonic, aortic, tricuspid, mitral.  He does know anatomy.  I find myself wondering if this is the first time anyone--human or otherwise--has enlisted an emergency medical hologram to have a friendly auscultation session with no medical purpose involved in any way.  Is this novel to me, or is this altogether novel an occurrence?  I look up and our eyes meet.  "Still fast, I guess?" I ask, smiling.  "Less so," he tells me.  "It's a bit slower, and steady."  "I like having you listening to it," I tell him softly, though I wonder if he understands me, in more ways than one.  I wait a few breaths, then reach for his other hand to hold it for a moment.  I look into his eyes, deeply brown like portobello gills--a pretty organic comparison my mind has conjured for someone computer-generated.  They seem inquisitive, and I tell myself (or lie to myself?) that there's also a hint of emotion, of affection, he's associating with this act.  I close my eyes while he listens a few seconds longer.  

"Well, you are alive," he finally says, handing me the stethoscope, the grainy glitter on its tubing grazing my hand.  "That much is certain.  As far as standards for humans go, judging by the fact that you clearly have synaptic activity taking place.   What I heard indicates that you have four functioning heart valves, as is expected," he continues.  "Alright," I say kind of dismissively, holding up my hand that's still clutching the binaurals and grimacing.  "You don't have to do that.  I mean I guess if that's what you wanted to say.  But I mean...this is a sweet moment.  I mean, speaking for myself, anyhow.  Thank you.  You made my night."  He cracks a smile and  I reach over and put my arms around him, something I've never done before.  He seems startled at first, then returns the embrace.  He feels surprisingly warm and human himself.  For one of the few times in the past two years, I don't mind that I'm stranded in an uncharted part of the galaxy if I get to be surrounded by amazing people.

[bumblingbabooshka]

Have you written much on your “mind meld as a coping mechanism” idea. I’ve read a lot of your thoughts on Tuvok but haven’t run into that one

I'm warning you right now this got so out of hand. If you want a shorter answer you can uhh scroll down until you get to the part where I talk about Suder bc for some reason I spent a while (some might say, too long) talking about Vulcan bonds as I see them in general.

SO!

Humans, right? Humans are creatures who love fiercely and have a lot of strong emotions within that love. However, they always retain their separate identities. No matter how much Anne loves Lucy she can only know Lucy through what bits and pieces Lucy tells her. Even if theoretically Lucy told Anne every thought of hers as she said it, Anne wouldn’t know how she’d arrived at that thought (unless explained) and even in that explanation, Lucy as a person would not have arrived at that thought in a vacuum. 

A simplified example: Lucy says “I don’t like apples.” and when Anne asks why Lucy says she doesn’t like them because she ate one that had a worm in it. However, this still is not a full understanding of Lucy - it is an understanding of Lucy as Lucy sees herself/her history.

Using Tuvok and T’Pel as an example - Tuvok, pre-canon, is half of T’Pel. His thoughts make up her thoughts and vice versa. He did not originally come into the world as part of her but he has lived and grown the last six or so decades as part of her. 

If Tuvok says “I don’t like apples” T’Pel might ask why to see why he believes he doesn’t like apples but she also has access to something deeper than his words. She has access to his thoughts and feelings and ostensibly his entire life.

When Tuvok melds with Janeway, she is able to observe the events of his life. He can will her there to experience them if he only thinks about a specific moment. This implies to me that Vulcans who are bonded could do the same with one another. So they have access to far more information than a human would.

1 “I don’t like apples” information

2 “I don’t like apples because I ate one that had a worm in it” information

3 T’Pel can feel the emotions and is aware of the thoughts that the topic brings up

4 T’Pel could, if they both chose, go back and observe the moment he is describing to her

T’Pel can comment on/interact with Tuvok’s statement on many different levels, if she chooses. It’s a very deep connection and can lead to an intensely rich understanding of someone else which it obviously has in the case of Tuvok and T’Pel since he’s clearly deeply in love with her and wishes to be with her. (It’s shown as his greatest desire point blank on the show).

I say this to uhh justify my thought process which is that Tuvok is 

1 Missing his other half (literally)

2 Ostensibly on a ship for seventy years with people who could never understand him the same way he’s used to being understood

It’s as if a part of his brain was cut out. I wonder if he can feel the blank spaces where T’Pel would normally be when he thinks.

It’s a very different type of communication and though Tuvok is used to working with humans (and other aliens) he’s also used to at some point going home and being with his family. You’re not supposed to be understood intimately by your colleagues, it’s fine to just ‘chat’ with them - you have friends and family at home. What I’m saying is that while everyone else on Voyager might be able to make the switch to “Okay, these people are all I’m ever going to have so I’ll get to know them on a more intimate level” and like, talk about deeper things and thus forge stronger bonds - making them legitimate friends and family, Tuvok would not be able to. Both on a personal level (he seems to naturally be a more introverted person) and on an ‘Alien Communication’ level.

Tuvok can explain why he doesn’t like apples all damn day but it still won’t even come close to the intimacy that his bonds with T’Pel and the rest of his family provided him because it’s a fundamentally different and alien form of a communication which cannot be replicated through human speech/relationships.

However, a mind meld…

Mind Melding has been likened to sex by plenty of people and I can see why (‘becoming one’ in the human sense is closest to sex - bodies joined, and trust me I will liken it to sex before I’m done here today) but in this case for my argument I’m likening it to a general intimacy/bond. 

Again, Tuvok is

1 Missing his other half (literally)

2 On a ship for seventy years with people who could never understand him the same way he’s used to being understood

Mind Melding rectifies both of these. He becomes one mind, briefly, with another person and because he is of one mind with that other person he is also understood by them (again briefly). For the time he’s melded he’s made whole.

Mind Melding, interestingly, also seems to mimic a Vulcan bond in that it taps into emotions. In the show the highly gendered nature of Pon Farr is worrying to me so I’m going to tweak it a BIT in MY canon and say that every Vulcan can go through Pon Farr and it just depends on who goes through it first in a bonded pair.

So, say T’Pel is going through Pon Farr - Tuvok is not. Tuvok, while affected by T’Pel’s pon farr, is able to stabilize her emotions a bit through his retained control. This is why Vulcans seem to get married chiefly when their Pon Farrs dictate it. Before then there’s no need as they can regulate their emotions by themselves. Pon Farr introduces a need for a partner - not just to have sex with but to help balance them.

Vulcan Bonds:

Allow for a person to be intimately understood by those they are bonded to

Allow for other intimacies such as romantic affection (the Vulcan ‘kiss’ comes to mind) or comfort (When Tuvok is suffering from PTSD he says that the typical treatment for such a thing is a mind meld with a family member so they can help the person suffering to process their traumatic experience)

Allow for the regulation of emotions by the ‘balancing’ force of one’s partner

Tuvok is the only Vulcan to be ripped away from all his bonds and be unable to access any of this. This must leave him not only extremely lonely but also unbalanced. I wonder if he has the sensation of not being able to “think right” or as smoothly as he once could - or perhaps too smoothly even, since it’s just him. 

He is also a person who, notably, mind melds with others a lot. It’s a thing that a lot of people have picked up on! And yes on a base level this could be laziness on the writers’ part but I’M ALL ABOUT LOOKING TOO DEEP INTO THINGS. SO.

What I’M saying is that the reason he mind melds with others so much more than other Vulcans is BECAUSE he’s in the delta quadrant, stranded from others.

Mind Melds in this case are (and here we go!) akin to having a one night stand just because you can’t stand your bed being empty. It doesn’t matter who it is, you just need someone there.

(Yes this is OBLIGATORY)

Tuvok has an incredibly weak excuse for why he should mind meld with Suder. He says it's simply because he can’t accept that there’s no reason Suder killed someone.

It is, in fact, not at ALL important that he understand why Suder killed Darwin. Suder has been apprehended, he had no accomplices, the case is done. Logically there’s absolutely no reason for Tuvok to mind meld with Suder. He even acknowledges that it’s risky to do and yet he does it anyway. 

Perhaps this is because Tuvok has no ‘balancing’ influence to deter him from the idea or because his loneliness has turned into a desperation - where there is an opportunity to mind meld with another, his loneliness pushes him towards doing so even when it’s not logical to.

TLDR; Tuvok is lonely, craves intimacy and feels ‘off’ or like a part of him is missing. He is also intensely loyal to T’Pel and thus will not take another mate so instead he mind melds with random people at the drop of a hat. Even when it’s dangerous or illogical to do so. Microdosing on intimacy and feeling whole. So…um…I hope this was sort of interesting and not too incoherent. THANK YOU BYE!!!

[getoutofmyjaneway]

Beta Cannon: the Pre Voyager Era of Kathryn Janeway | Mosaic v The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway

This weekend, I got a copy of the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway from a local book store. For how frequently we speak about Mosaic in the community (despite having some flaws) I was shocked that I had not heard a lot about this book and assumed it was a bad thing. And yeah in some regards it was (see @mia-cooper’s post on the subject). I have a lot of feelings (I’ll post a proper review at a later point) but one thing that did stick out to me is the divergence from what we have considered Beta Canon, aka, the extended universe of Star Treks told through novels, short stories, video games, etc. After completing the novel, I jumped right into my old standby copy of Mosaic, which has dictated a lot of Janeway’s back story since 96. Both of these novels cover the beginnings of Janeway’s life and how she was shaped into the woman we know. 

TLDR The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway changes a lot of things for no reason. Some of these are for the good. Some for the bad. And some, for like no good reason at all, like it was fine as it was, and was accepted cannon for like 25 years, but sure fine whatever.

I will mention that, as Mosaic has been a book in my library and I have read it too many times, so of course, I do have a bias toward it. Additionally, I feel like it is fair to mention here that authors of Fanfiction have leaned on this as their bibles since 1996 as Mosaic is written by Jeri Taylor, one of the show-runners for Voyager. Because of its connection with a showrunner, Mosaic is also integrated into the canon of the show. It seems that most points that are taken from Mosaic in the Autobiography are only included because of their existence in cannon material.

Anyway, this review is going to focus on the characters that shape Kathryn and I will end with my final thoughts. This is long so to respect your dash, you are going to have to click keep reading. You’re welcome.

Obligatory Spoiler Warning for ALL of Mosaic, chapter 13 of Pathways, and chapters 1-7 of The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway

Edward Janeway

In all media, I feel like we can safely say that Kathryn Janeway is in fact a daddy’s girl. Her relationship with her father is very important to her, so it is interesting to see how it is portrayed very differently in both novels. In Mosaic, a lot of the highlights of Janeway’s earlier years revolve around time spent with him. From giving her special attention after ‘Your Sister’ was born, to consoling her after her losing tennis match and subsequent walk home in the rain, and trips to Mars, Kathryn mentions great fondness of quality time spent. In the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway he is more described as an absent father, one that she always wanted to see and please. When he was home, she wanted all of his attention and to impress him greatly. She wished to follow in his footsteps after gaining a love of flight and the stars with a plane ride and a telescope he gave her. He tried to prepare her by detaining the events of the current conflict with Cardassia and inviting Starfleet brass over for dinner. Overall, in her early childhood, it makes more sense for Edward to not be around often. There is not a lot of conflict between the sources, other than the details of the aforementioned tennis match and different childhood nicknames.  

Edward is in a crash aboard an experimental ship on Tau Ceti Prime which leads to his death. This is where the big differences begin. In Mosaic, Kathryn and her fiancé are also on board. In  Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway, Kathryn is still on the Al-Batani. The fall out of this event has a great effect on Kathryn of course in both novels. As this is a missive shaping event of Kathryn’s life, I felt it very jarring to be changed. This moment shaped Janeway and gives us good context for why she handles situations the way she does. I see this trauma and I understand her character better, for dealing with the loss of two of the most important people in her life all at once.

Gretchen Janeway

The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway was good to Gretchen Janeway as her character is basically a blank slate. We know little about her from Mosaic as it mostly focuses on Kathryn’s relationship with her father (and other male influences in her life). It is nice to learn more things about Grechen as with Edward’s job, it is likely that Kathryn was mainly raised by her. Other than being an artist, she also wrote some of the Flotter holos and wrote a number of children’s stories about the people of Bajor during the occupation. She does a lot of humanitarian work with the refugees from Bajor during the occupation. She loves to garden and get her daughters involved. She has a close bond with Phoebe due to their overlapping interests, but you can tell that she strives to support her in what she does. Overall, I like getting know Gretchen to be someone of than Kathryn’s mother.

Phoebe Janeway

 I was shocked when researching Memory Alpha for this review, Phoebe is never named in any Cannon media up to this point (Star Trek Prodigy could very well change this). We know Janeway has a sister and she is an artist, but that is it. Both novels keep her very similar personality-wise. In both stories, Kathryn is not looking forward to being a big sister. They also both mourn the loss of their father together. In Mosaic, she is not mentioned much. Kathryn tells her she is not old enough on an off planet trip and Phoebe plays pranks on her. The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway goes much more into depth. They don’t get along when they are younger. They fight a lot. I feel this is a very realistic portrayal of real siblings, vying for attention and approval, snapping when they don’t get their way.  They both excel at what they do, Kathryn in her studies and Phoebe through her art. They seem to need to one-up each other at every turn.  As they grow up, they grow closer together, as many siblings do. Points added for giving Phoebe a wife, something which has been included in a lot of fanfiction. Overall, there are no big conflicting points.

Mark Johnson

Kathryn’s fiance at the time of the Voyager’s disappearance, Mark is a very different part of Kathryn’s life in both novels. In Mosaic, he is a childhood friend and went by his middle name Hobbs. Seemingly always two steps behind Kathryn, he did a lot of the same activities that she did, tennis and swimming in the underground cave systems. He did these poorly, and this makes Kathryn always look down upon him. They reconnected after her father’s death and she fell head-over-heels for him. Personally, I always felt this was a little uncharacteristic of Kathryn, to run away from her responsibilities to be with a man. It just seems very out of character and has always bothered me. The  Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway takes a completely different approach. She meets Mark as a friend of Pheobe and her wife as a widower. They hit it off and they fall hard. You can see the conflict in Kathryn as she debates how to move forward with a relationship as they have different outlooks on life. She has a drive to explore but does not want to be an absent parent. She debates quitting, which I don’t think is something Janeway would have ever done. Overall she decides to accept Mark’s proposal just before taking command of Voyager. This makes the Dear John situation a lot more believable as it makes sense that he would want to move on with his life much quicker. Overall, I have to just ask, why? I know Mark doesn’t have a lot of character, but why change basically their whole relationship dynamic? 

Justin Tighe

Justin is a character I actually like for selfish reasons. This explains why I was very miffed that he was nowhere to be seen in the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway. Justin is Kathryn’s first love, they were coworkers, engaged and in love, and dies in the same accident that takes her father. As a person who always wanted Chakotay and Janeway to get together, this incident perfectly gives the reason. She is afraid to get romantically involved with a crew member because of the nature of the job. This dynamic is seen between Picard and Nella Daren in TNG very well. Kathryn has learned the hard way that she can lose a person under her command and how it feels when you are in love with that person. In early Voyager, you can see she isolates herself from the crew and it takes time for her to get comfortable. And during Night she relapses to her old ways. This is the way I have always justified Janeway’s reluctance to have a romantic relationship during their time in the Delta Quadrant. By understanding her background, I have a lot of respect for that choice. Her relationship with Justin really shaped how she handles relationships and without the impact he had on her life, it actually makes her character weaker.

Owen Paris

Owen is Kathryn’s mentor. In Mosaic, they meet as he is reviewing her junior honors thesis advisor on massive compact halo objects. From here they gained a relationship built on respect and learning. It makes sense that, as he was her personal mentor, that she would be close with his family, and why she would seek out Tom as a person to bring with her to the Badlands mission. In the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway, she does not meet him until she is on the Al-Batani. This doesn’t only weaken her relationship with Admiral Paris, but moreover weakens her relationship with Tom. If he was her superior officer, why would she develop such a ‘big sister’ mentality to Tom if she didn’t have as many opportunities to meet him?

Tuvok

Mosaic does not go too much in depth with Tuvok and Janeway’s relationship, but its sister novel Pathways does. In Pathways, Tuvok meets Janeway when he is an ensign under her command of the USS Bonestell. The Bonestell and the Billings, two ships that Janeway served on, tend to get confused a lot. Most sources have Janeway’s first command as the Voyager, Including Voyager itself -  “It doesn't seem like my first command is shaping up the way I expected,” Janeway Shattered. The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway has her and Tuvok meet on the Al-Batani. I actually really like the dynamic between them, as they grow to respect each other over a much longer period of time. I also like that, though Janeway climbs through the ranks, it does not change their relationship dynamic as she still relies on him and asks him advice as if they were equals. I think giving them a longer time to build their relationship. Also would like to note that Janeway and Tuvok also had a friendship with the original CMO of Voyager, Dr. Fitzgerald. I always wanted to know more about the Pre-Caretaker crew and I would have loved to see this dynamic and how the grief of losing a close personal friend in the Caretaker incident would impact them both.

Also I feel obligated to shout out the Janeway and Tuvok story in Star Trek Waypoint One-Shot. I need to get around to doing a series retrospective, but this short story I have not seen anyone talk about and I love it so much. Please read Waypoint. Okay next.

Other characters

Cheb - Janeway’s boyfriend in Mosaic. He was kind of an asshole and got her into trouble. He is not in the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway and I see no problem with this.

Boothby - “[he is the] head groundskeeper at Starfleet Academy. When I was a cadet, he used to give me fresh roses for my quarters,” Janeway Revulsion. Boothby is not in Mosaic. In the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway, it is explained that her mother loved to garden and this was something that Boothby did as a gradian figure to make her feel at home and destress. Makes sense.

Aisha - A childhood friend of Katheryn’s. Only in the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway. Mosaic has this weird thing about highlighting the relationships with only the men in her life, so it is nice to see her have some other female friends.

Nexa - Katheryn’s roommate at the Academy.  Only in the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway. Nexa helps broaden Kathryn’s horizons by helping to learn about Exoliguisticts, first contact, and the Betazoid culture. Again nice to see her have other female friends.

Riker - Yes they go on a date in Mosaic. He is not mentioned in the  Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway. I know he is a gag character but I still liked it.

-----------------------

Final Thoughts

A lot of characters were changed between these two novels. There is a lot to like and a lot to hate. I really like what the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway did with characters like Tuvok and Gretchen Janeway. Other characters were not so lucky (Justin, sweetie I’m so sorry that they would erase you like that, oh my god). It’s a mixed bag, but one thing I need say is... why?

We have had a good thing going here with the established canon as is. Mosaic (and Pathways) is the foundation of which the last 25 years of fanworks and the relaunch novels are based on. Why change history when it is already written?

Always, would love to hear your thoughts and thank you for reading my novel of a post. I will see you in the full review.

[captainpikeswoman]

May I request some headcanons of being married to Tom Paris! 🥰 please and thank you!!

Hope you like it!

Being married to Tom Paris would include:

•Captain Janeway performed the ceremony, and she was absolutely delighted to do so! She was so pleased that you and Tom had found comfort and love and hope of a better future together.

•lots of odd holodeck adventure dates- he likes to write his own programs based around obscure, old Earth movies, so be prepared to go into programs that seem a bit odd!

•speaking of movies, the two of you do take it in turns to pick out what movies you’re going to watch. It’s a daily regular occurrence that the two of you will have a quiet dinner together and then retire early to have a movie and pyjama night.

•Chakotay is invested in yours and Tom’s relationship- I mean to an extent the whole crew is because of the close quarters of being stuck so far from home- but Chakotay cares, if you ever need a mediator for whatever reason he’s there and impartial and ready to keep you both on track.

•like all relationships this one has its ups and downs. There’s quite a lot to unpack when it comes to Tom Paris, not least getting to the root cause of some of his rebelliousness- which does sometimes cause an issue. But the two of you choose to be together, so you work through the tough times.

•sometimes Harry will come along as a ‘third wheel’ as he proclaims himself, but whenever he or anyone else is around while you’re on a date you both make a silent agreement to put the lovey-dovey stuff on hold so as not to make the other person uncomfortable or feel left out.

•the relationship between you both doesn’t change after being married- you take time to have dates, to spend time together and apart. You’re a married couple, you’re not one being.

•Captain Janeway doesn’t like to be involved in her crews personal or romantic lives, but because of the circumstances Voyager is in she thinks it’s best to know roughly what’s going on in case of issues, so if you two have a spat or need some time apart for a shift she’ll see to that. She wants a happy and efficient crew after all!

•PDA while on duty doesn’t happen…but off duty is another matter. He’ll passionately kiss you in the corridor as you’re heading home without caring, he’ll always have a hand on your somewhere, and he loves it when you do the same back to him- you’re both very much equal in initiating affection. Marriage has in no way dimmed the passion and desire you feel for one another.

•he likes to be the little spoon sometimes, but made you promise to never tell anyone!

•he knew from the first time you told him that you loved him that you were the one. And a part of him never wanted to get back to Earth- he wanted a whole life of adventure with you, somewhere totally new, he realises that’s selfish and he never tells a soul. But you’re all he really needs.

•you both talk long and hard about having a family and you agree to wait until you’re both ready- it’s a big decision.

•basically married life is a lot of fun and has lots of laughter with Tom Paris. It’s like the ‘honeymoon’ phase of the relationship never ends.

[shesquaredpodcast]

As I’m rewatching however, it is even more blatant that Janeway and Seven were supposed to be a couple. In the span of two episodes which I ADORE (4.14 and 4.15) when they receive the transmission from Starfleet after Seven sees she can get a message to the Alpha quadrant using the Dr - all of it is laid out.

When Starfleet sends the message “You’re no longer alone” and the camera focuses in on Janeway - it’s really showing that she is absolutely who is carrying this on her shoulders. All of it. The strain, the worry, the unknown of if she’ll ever get these people home. She’s doing her job and suddenly- they’re not alone anymore. It was a beautiful moment.

But let’s go further. Exploring in the Delta quadrant seemed nonsensical to Seven specifically and she said so to Janeway.

“Keep on course to the Alpha Quadrant and stop being delayed” and you’ll be more likely to be successful and Janeway told her it was their way to explore, but truthfully doing so was the only thing - the only stability they knew.

Basically - If they focus on being lost that’s all they’ll ever be. But if they are exploring and cataloging and making first contact then they still have a semblance of normalcy.

Janeway can’t allow herself to accept that they are doing anything other than that; that they are anything but on a deep space mission because otherwise … she can’t accept the despair.

Janeway NEEDED VOYAGER to be a ship of exploration just as much as the crew did because otherwise it was all about them probably not making it home all the time. How far away they were would be the primary focus not secondary or tertiary. It’d be all they focused on.

Seven’s primary drive and singular goal in 4.14 and 4.15 is getting back to the Alpha quadrant. It’s it. That’s all she’s focused on. B’Elanna calls her a bitch basically, scoffs that she’s now “giving orders” when she excitedly demands Janeway and Chakotay come to Astrometrics, and she’s called blatantly rude and all kinds of things by B’elanna but she refused to leave her post.

She flat out refused to leave her post in Astrometrics. She did it not because she had someone in the Alpha quadrant to get back to - she refused to leave her post (4.14) and missed appts in sickbay because she was clearing up messages from the relay from Starfleet command (15) NOT because she cared about it herself. But because Janeway did. She didn’t sleep in days. 58 hrs. She did that because she cared about someone - someone who needed someone to care about her.

She retrieved 6 words in 58 hrs.

58 hours straight.

And she got excited when she got the 6th word. When the doctor snarkily questioned the logic of that excitement, she angrily replied, “This message is important to the Captain.”

As if that is all the explanation needed. Because it WAS.

And when Janeway comes into Astrometrtics right after and Seven tells her what the messages may be containing, she demonstrates a moment of trust and says, “Well I might just hope that it contains a plan for bringing us back to the Alpha quadrant.”

This kind of hope was the very thing Janeway had just chastised her closest people for daydreaming about and then she proceeded to immediately state what she was holding hope for. She immediately let her guard down and spoken openly about her own desires and hopes.

To Seven.

Seven fought tooth and nail to get 6 words of text in 58 hrs - not sleeping a wink to do so because it was “important to the Captain”. Let that sink in.

Now we know why Seven was so persistent.

LITERALLY in the same episode, when Seven volunteers to go forth and try to retrieve messages from Starfleet and people’s families because they have to get closer to the relay, Janeway sends tuvok with her. This causes Seven to believe that Janeway may be distrustful of her still, and after everything she’s been doing to show she cares, she can’t take it.

She straight up asks Tuvok if Janeway doesn’t trust her once she establishes he won’t lie to her.

His response is the ONLY thing that gives her comfort.

WHY?!

Tuvok wants to know that exact thing and asks her why Janeway’s opinion is so important to her and she gives him a bs reason about the Captain’s opinion being important to everyone, right? He merely looks skeptical.

Remember that TUVOK IS TELEPATHIC. He knows these feelings already. This is now the second time he has commented to Seven that she is expressing affection and trust and distress over the Captain.

And once again they parallel Tom and B’Elanna and Seven and Janeway.

Seven and B’Elanna, who both have NO ONE back home to be working furiously towards getting a letter from, literally work tirelessly to download the messages and Tom and Janeway both get messages they don’t want. It’s blatant.

Want more? Tom and Janeway both confide in B’Elanna and Seven in Astrometrics about their feelings. Now RIGHT after that Janeway tells the truth of her letter to Chakotay - not sharing her hopes, only her truth and disappointment. That’s ALSO exactly what Tom does, too.

And since Janeway and Chakotay were 100% built to be confidants and intimate with each other - what can we infer when the only other person Janeway does that with is Seven?

Finally, Janeway straight up says in ep 15 that she was using Mark as a safety net to avoid becoming involved with someone else. She flat out says that to Chakotay.

Someone who maybe was showing her devotion and concern by pushing her own self to the very limits?

Just like Janeway?

This is when Janeway/Seven began.

[suganovakawa]

𝐒𝐀𝐔𝐃𝐀𝐃𝐄 .

PAIRINGS : tooru oikawa x fem!reader , platonic hajime iwaizumi x fem!reader

GENRE : angst , romance

WARNINGS : cursing , car accident , amnesia recovery

SYNOPSIS : tooru doesn’t understand how special you are to him until he comes close to losing you forever . as he struggles to comes to grips with his feelings and balance it with his future , you still have to recover from your own injuries , but without your memories to assist you .

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍 < [ 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 ] > 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐄

what is hajime’s deal ? what did oikawa do to him to get him so upset ?

word count : 1.3k

SAUDADE

( 𝐧 . ) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant , or that has been loved and then lost ; “ the love that remains ”

⠀you weren't an idiot. you know, damn well at that, you are far from an idiot. and you sure as hell hoped hajime didn't take you as one. you lost your memories, not your common sense.

⠀it was quite obvious that hajime had that oikawa boy pinned up against a wall, and not in the dreamy way fanfictions like to describe it as. no, there was definitely unwanted tension between the two; it was evident they didn't like each other. despised each other, even. whether you had known of this before or after your incident, you wouldn't have been able to remember something like that.

⠀you really, truly hoped hajime didn't underestimate your observation skills, or your common sense. any random passerby would've seen the anger blazing those olive hued irises of his as he glared down at your classmate. was it coincidence that it was oikawa of all people that you two happened to bump into after school? you wouldn't have known of the brunet's reasons to have stayed at seijoh; then again, it probably wasn't any of your business.

⠀you wanted to speak up and confront iwaizumi as you had turned the corner - he was fast, but not fast enough to back up from the other before you laid eyes on the two boys. if the atmosphere between the three of you alone wasn't suffocating, you might've. it wasn't like you were afraid of confronting him. he seemed like a reasonable person, open to communication.

⠀in truth, it was oikawa you were worried about.

⠀the poor guy turned pale, the color draining from his skin when you entered the scene. as to why he had such a pitiful reaction, you wouldn't be able to guess. from the looks of his typical poise and attitude during school hours, he certainly didn't seem like the weak, bashful type. and according to hajime, he too had played volleyball alongside him. however, the universe seemed to not want you to know of their current relationship status - every time you asked, distractions would get in the way of an answer. in this scenario, oikawa’s silent plea for an escape was what drove you to play the oblivious card. the relief that shone in both of their eyes as you turned around to walk away sent your stomach in nervous turmoil.

⠀come to think of it, you were pretty kept in the dark about all of this. you only knew as much as hajime was willing to tell. the idea of asking others wasn't appealing to you yet; hajime seemed to be quite content being the only individual answering all of your questions. and while you were more than grateful for his assistance and his company alike, there was always that voice in the back of your head trying to reach out to you, but you had no idea what it was trying to say. it was too blurry to be put into words.

⠀you waited in front of aoba johsai with your arms crossed loosely at your sides, waiting for iwa to take you home as he had been insisting to everyday this week. whether he wanted this to occur everyday or not, that’s what it seemed like to you. you didn’t mind, but you wanted to branch out and find out who your other friends were. you spoke to the volleyball team at lunch time, and you enjoyed their company tremendously. alas, it was the only time of day you were able to give them, as hajime was quick to escort you everywhere, practically glued to your hip.

⠀the thought of you two being in a relationship crossed your mind, more times than one. it would be a valid explanation for his behavior. he acted the way a boyfriend should - walking you to and from school, helping you with assignments and keeping you company after hours, even offering to carry your belongings when you can clearly do it yourself. you appreciated and acknowledged the chivalry, but when it became too out of hand, you were curious. if you two were an item before your accident, was there a reason he hadn't told you yet? you remembered quite clearly what happened that first day you woke up in a hospital bed, he made it clear that you and him were just friends - nothing more, nothing less - but his behavior has been convincing you otherwise.

⠀"hajime - " you were cut off by the way he gripped your wrist - firm, but nothing that could hurt you. you wouldn't have been able to pull away if you wanted to, though. his strength outmatched yours. your words caught in your throat, he was angry, very angry. the scowl painted on his face frightened you; you hadn't seen him act this way all week. was this oikawa's fault? what could he have done to make him this worked up?

⠀"hajime, please slow down. i can't keep up with you pulling me around like this." your voice was solid enough to knock him out of his frustration, he jolted a bit and loosened his hold on your wrist so you could pull back. his hands clenched into fists, but you could tell he had calmed down. not all the way, but he was sensible. you were on your guard. usually you could read him like a book - he was always open to you. now, there was no telling what he was going to say to you next.

⠀"y/n, i have a request for you." his voice was quiet, soft spoken - as if projecting any louder would let off a bomb. "of course, you're not obligated to, but i would really, really appreciate if you could do this one thing for me."

⠀"sure, it's the least i can do to repay the kindness you've showed me all week. i can handle a simple request." your body was tense, and so was his. however, the tension was created from two different reasons. "what do you need from me, hajime?"

⠀"stay away from oikawa."

⠀you blinked. "excuse me?"

⠀"as far away as you can, don't let him talk to you, don't let him step near you, nothing. you shouldn't be with someone like him." your eyes shot open wider as your feet abruptly ceased walking, your chest dropping to your stomach as he caught onto your reaction. you didn't need to open your mouth, he knew exactly what you wanted to say. "he doesn't look like it, but he's a bad person, y/n. you don't need him in your life, you're better off without that germ infecting it. he's done bad things - especially to you. i don't need to remind you, i'll just plague your thoughts with bad things. you don't need to hold that burden."

⠀the vendetta he held against oikawa sent goosebumps through your body, and it wasn't anything comfortable. now he's telling you that he knows something about you he never bothered to tell you about before? didn't you have a right to know? if oikawa hurt you, shouldn't it be your business so that you yourself can judge if you should stay away from him or not? his lack of logic was beginning to concern you, but the glare in his eyes stated clearly that he was taking no argument. and since he was the one with all of his memories, you really had no room to impose.

⠀"... yeah. got it. oikawa bad. very bad. do not engage." hearing your compliance flipped a switch, he smiled brightly and nodded.

⠀"i knew i could count on you, y/n. believe me, you're much better off this way. the things he's done, are completely unforgivable. if you had your memories, you'd agree with me."

⠀maybe, but you wanted to be the judge of that.

a / n : this stupid taglist almost made me cry i had to do it six times because tumblr kept glitching on me n my dumbass kept forgetting to save it BAHAHAHA

wow i’m being productive lmao. second post in one night WOOOOO who needs school 😼 n e ways bit of a self promo but my new smau, rumor has it, is finally out! would be grateful if u check it out 🥺👉🏼👈🏼

taglist : @ot127 @rena0921 @karlitabi-rrito @psychicpercyjacksonfan @crescentbitch @amelimiles @damnirina @pasta-warlord @blossomingbangtan @clinomanians @i-am-kinda-in-a-lot-of-fandoms @manq-fandoms @citruss @sugar-wara @haikoo @anime-simp @kairostatue @awkwardspontaneity @iwantapoptartqwq @aquariarose @softestdreamer @plantisnotplant @avylee @froppysgirl @that-animebitch @wisepandaslimeland @samanthaa-leanne @dumplingzumispam @0hakaashi @captain-janeway @afterglowkuroo @bellabelieveme @attixca @chickenrest @tycrackculture @ynjimenez @lissa-writes-and-does-matchups @lavieenblancetnoir @dabilove27 @cuddleslut @crypto-s @keigosbitch @readeretal @shittykawaa @donghyuckster @adriloen @ella-solei @emiyummy @kukiisan @catyuyuyuu @sillykittt @dolan-mendes @kiritokunuwu @the-third-wall @yammers @monviemoo @dicerawr @psychopath-satan

taglist closed , i’m so glad you’re enjoying the series! 🥺🤲🏼✨❤️

[oikawaplssteponme]

The Apartment: part 4

▪️part 1

▪️part 2

▪️part 3

pairing: Kuroo Tetsurou x fem! reader

ratings/warnings: swearing, a little suggestive at times but nothing bad

synopsis: You knew that living with your three best friends, Kuroo, Oikawa, and Bokuto, would be a wild ride. It’s never a dull moment with those three. Let’s just hope you can keep your huge crush on Kuroo a secret when he is only a room away.

a/n: hi friends💕 i had a lot of fun writing this part so i hope you guys like it :)) the taglist is still open so just lmk if you’d like to be added and so are my requests/asks, so don’t be shy and say hi✨ enjoy xx

•

Four: maid outfit

You laid on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. It was far too late for you to be up yet here you were. Not only was the couch uncomfortable, but your head was filled with thoughts that you’d rather not think. You kept thinking about Kuroo. Maybe if you would have just told him that you liked him, he would’ve reacted differently. Or he would have reacted just the same, making you feel worse.

You were stuck in the friendzone. Except the friendzone was quicksand, and you felt there was no possible way out. The air vent blew down on you. You hugged your blanket close to you. You couldn’t understand why you felt like this. It wasn’t like you were planning on telling Kuroo anyway. You said yourself its better to keep things the way they are, so why did you feel so upset? Maybe your feelings for Kuroo were a bit more than a longing crush.

You flipped onto your side, once again regretting your decision to sleep on the couch. Suddenly, you heard footsteps heading for a door. You were surprised someone could be awake at this hour, since everyone had gone to bed way before you. You heard a door open, so you shut your eyes pretending to be asleep. You felt their presence get closer to you. Then you felt what you presumed to be a second blanket, lay on top of you. The footsteps started to move back to their room. You peaked your eyes open, and saw Kuroo, slowly walk back into his room.

~

“Y/N-CHAN!” You were suddenly awoken by a loud voice next to your ear. You jolted up from the couch, causing you to fall onto the floor, still wrapped up in not one, but two blankets.

“Y/N get off the floor. I need you to answer my question,” said Bokuto. You sat up from your fall looking at Bokuto with evil eyes.

“Bokuto I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this but screaming in someone’s ear is NOT the proper way to wake them up,” you growled, rubbing the back of your head. Bokuto rolled his eyes.

“Yeah yeah whatever. Anyway, back to my question,” he said.

“If you didn’t notice dumbass, you asked your question when I was asleep so I didn’t hear you.”

“Okay so I’m going with Akaashi to his writers conference next week and do you think I should pack an extra bag just for snacks or will we buy them along the way? Because sometimes I pack them and then Akaashi says-“

“Bokuto, why on earth would Akaashi bring you to a writers conference?”

“Obviously to keep him company, come on Y/N, keep up with me here.” You groaned and stood up to be look at Bokuto.

“Pack the snacks, we all know you’ll end up eating more than less,” you said, patting his shoulder.

“That’s what Kuroo said too but I don’t trust his opinion.”

Your heart dropped. Right. Kuroo.

“Is- uh- Kuroo awake?” You asked.

“Yeah but he’s having a meeting with his Chemistry professor,” explained Bokuto. You let out a sigh of relief. Suddenly, the events from last night came to mind.

“Wait...is Oikawa awake?” Bokuto looked at you nervously.

“No…”

“Bokuto?”

“He’s in his room,” he muttered. You clenched your fists. You stormed over to your room.

“TORU IM GONNA BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU!”

You slammed open your door to see Oikawa laying on his bed, using his endless amounts of pillows as shields from your wrath.

“Y/N, my dearest love, let’s be rational here,” he pleaded.

You charged over to him, jumping on his bed and pinned him down.

“Y/N if you wanted to get down and dirty all you had to do was-“

“Oh shut up. You are so lucky that Iwaizumi was here last night or else I would’ve kicked your ass.”

“I know you’re trying to sound threatening but honestly you just sound hor-“

“TORU!” Oikawa sealed his lips together.

“Do you remember what happened last night?” You asked. Oikawa gave you a sarcastic thinking face.

“Hmmm are we talking about the PG stuff that happened or the PG-13 content that occurred after the party-“

“Oh my god why do I even bother with you.” You let go of Oikawa and he sat up to face you.

“I have a horrible feeling that you’re talking about my big mouth from yesterday,” he whispered.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m talking about shithead.”

“It is way too early for such vulgar names Y/N.”

“Oikawa!” You were slowly losing your patience.

“Okay okay, yes maybe I slipped up a little. But hey, I gave you a good excuse to confess to Kuroo, so all is well.” You could feel the smoke coming from your ears.

“No it’s not because he turned me down last night!” Oikawa’s eyes grew.

“He did what?”

“Yeah he basically friendzone me. Badly.” you explained.

“Oh shit Y/N, I’m sorry. Maybe he will change his mind,” said Oikawa. You looked at him with pleading eyes.

“I don’t know Toru, I feel like it’s never gonna happen.” You shook your head and rubbed your eyes. You heard a heavy sigh and you looked over to the doorway and saw Bokuto standing there with a frown.

“If Kuroo doesn’t like you then he’s just an idiot,” said Bokuto. He walked over and sat with you and Oikawa.

“Great now everyone knows I like Kuroo,” you joked.

“Well it’s not like you’ve liked him your whole life or anything,” said Bokuto. You looked over at him with widened eyes.

“You’ve always known I liked Kuroo?”

“Yeah I thought we all did. That’s why last night I didn’t see the big deal. I think Kuroo’s just too dumb to see that the answers right in front of him,” explained Bokuto. You gave him a playful push.

“Bokuto! Did you ever say anything to him about me?”

“No, why would I? Unlike some people I can keep my mouth shut...for the most part,” he looked over at Oikawa. Oikawa groaned.

“Okay well since we are all on the same page, we gotta make a plan to get Kuroo and Y/N together,” said Oikawa.

“I mean you two will be the only ones home next week, so try to do something then,” suggested Bokuto.

That’s right, you and Kuroo will be the only ones in the apartment next week. Bokuto will be with Akaashi and Oikawa is taking a mini vacation with Iwaizumi.

“Guys its gonna be so awkward with just me and him,” you pouted.

“Y/N you have to make an effort or else you’re gonna lose the nerd to some other bitch,” said Oikawa. Again, he was right.

“Fine fine. But what would I even do?”

“Walk around the apartment in a maid outfit,” blurted out Bokuto. You slapped his arm as Oikawa laughed.

“Wait, that's actually a good idea,” giggled Oikawa.

“I am not gonna seduce him with a fucking maid outfit,” you said firmly. Oikawa sighed.

“Well unless you have a better idea, I think we should head over to Party City and-“

“NOT HAPPENING!” You interrupted.

“This might be a crazy idea but you could just TELL HIM YOU LIKE HIM!” said Bokuto sarcastically. Your face got warm.

“But-but-“

“No buts Y/N. When Oikawa and I come back, I expect some progress to have been made,” huffed Bokuto. You sighed.

“I’ll do my best,” you muttered. Bokuto wrapped his arm around you and placed a friendly kiss on your head.

“And hey, if he rejects you again, it’s not like things could get any more awkward,” he smiled. You laughed and hugged him back.

“Woah what’s going on in here? An intervention?” said Kuroo, standing at the doorway. You didn’t even hear him enter the apartment, let alone your room.

“Shit Kuroo, you scared me,” you said.

“Uh how long have you been standing there?” asked Oikawa.

“Maybe a few seconds. Don’t worry I didn’t hear any of your top secret conversation,” Kuroo smiled. The three of you let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank god,” you muttered.

“I brought lunch if you guys want some.” Kuroo held a bag of takeout food. The three of you jumped up from Oikawa’s bed and rushed over to him.

The four of you sat at the table and ate your lunch. You kept looking at Kuroo, trying to think of anything you could do to possibly get him to like you back. In the past, a whole week alone with him wouldn’t have seemed so scary. But now that your crush on him was on high gear, you needed to control yourself. It’s not like you could make matters worse.

Right?

•

[taglist OPEN: @vangoghpoets @vangoghmusings @lilnuances @nerdybreadcollaborative @cloudswritings @foxyyychan @tamaguchi @jessie9008 @bitandbytes @yeehawnana @166cm @bigchaosenergy @tumbledor3 @captain-janeway (if your name is in bold that means i couldn’t tag you)]

[itsclydebitches]

Voyager. Now that’s a kettle of fish. Obviously watch/enjoy whatever you wish, but I do recommend also checking out SFDebris’ reviews of the episodes (he’s the rwde of Voyager). He is a lot smarter and more eloquent than me.

Putting these two asks together since my thoughts on both are all jumbled! 

Now, I want to emphasize that I’ve only watched the first 16 episodes (Season One + Season 2 premiere), so idk if Voyager is going to go seriously downhill later on, but right now I do really like it. And not in a, “Lol yeah compared to the other crap on it’s good, I guess” way, but in a completely honest, “It has its flaws, but is overall a solid, compelling show with lovable characters” way. Out of curiosity I watched SFDebris’ review of “Phage,” though I’m afraid I didn’t agree with it. The only part were I was like, “Yeah okay” was pointing out that they had the Doctor using a keypad when he supposedly wasn’t solid, but that’s precisely the sort of continuity error that, in an otherwise strong show, I’m willing to shrug off. For all the major points, it sounds like SFDebris is concerned primarily with the show he wants Voyager to be, rather than the show Voyager actually is. Which I know sounds familiar--I’ve heard that criticism leveled at my own work: “You just want RWBY to be a totally different show”--but the difference is that Voyager is a part of an established franchise, following three other TV shows, an animated series, and a collection of films. It’s not an original show (like RWBY) that can take itself in any direction the story may need/claim to want (again, RWBY). It has a brand and those established characteristics seem to be bumping up against SFDebris’ critiques: 

Hating Neelix as a character - You’re supposed to hate him. Or at least find him frustrating (I don’t personally hate him) because that’s what all the characters are grappling with too. From Tuvok forced to have an awkward conversation while Neelix is in the bath to Janeway dealing with him taking over her dining room, Neelix’s conflict revolves around how others learn to accept him. Star Trek as a franchise is about “Infinite diversity in infinite combinations.” Voyager begins with the problem of how the trained Federation officers are supposed to work with the more violent Maquis. Difference doesn’t just create “Wow, you’re so amazing!” reactions, it also includes frustration, disagreement, and outright hostility. Creating an outsider character with a kind heart but incredibly overbearing personality is a great way to test the other characters’ convictions. Do they actually care about all life in the universe? Or do they only care about life when they personally find it palatable? Having Neelix around is a great reminder for them--and the viewer--that just because someone annoys you at times doesn’t mean they’re any less worthy of love, respect, and companionship. It also doesn’t mean they don’t have something to offer: he keeps the crew fed even if his cooking is horrible, he provides information about this area of space even if he sometimes gets it wrong, we roll our eyes at the “Morale Officer” stuff, but Neelix does provide much needed perspective for characters like Tuvok. If Neelix made fewer mistakes, stopped bugging the crew, became a “cooler” character for the audience to root for rather than be frustrated by... a lot of the point of his character would be lost. 

Frustration about discoveries not carrying over to the next episode - AKA, the crew finds inanely powerful, alien tech and then (presumably) never uses it again. This would indeed be a big problem in a serialized story (like RWBY) but Voyager maintains much of Star Trek’s original, episodic nature. Though we have continuity in the form of them inching towards home and evolving as characters, the world still resets to a certain point at the end of each episode. This is what allows Star Trek to explore so many different questions and have so many different adventures. If you demand that serialized continuity--this character needs to have an arc to deal with this traumatic experience, the crew has to follow the thread they just discovered, our Doctor needs to do something with the new tech they just found--then you lose the variety that Star Trek is known for. Instead of a new story each week (or, occasionally, across two weeks) you’ve got a single story spanning months. Neither form is better or worse than the other, it’s absolutely a preference, but there’s a very specific, structural, intentional reason why the characters “forget” about the things they’ve discovered and, at times, experienced. Unlike Ozpin forgetting that he has a nuke in his cane for seven volumes, or Ruby forgetting to use her eyes at crucial points, Star Trek deliberately sets things aside to ensure there’s room for new ideas and questions next episode. 

Janeway doesn’t kill the Vidiians to get Neelix his lungs back - No Starfleet captain would. At least, not during this period of Star Trek. Sisko has development in that regard (making morally gray choices), but that’s built into the heart of the show from the start: he’s on a station, not a starship, that is jointly run by the Federation and the Bajorans, and built by the Cardassians. The rules of the Federation always had a tenuous hold there and Sisko as a character always pushed the boundary of the Federations expectations (Q: “Picard never hit me!”) Janeway, in contrast, is 100% a Federation captain and, more importantly, has explicitly told her crew that they will be operating as a Federation vessel, despite being so far from home. That’s the conflict between the officers and the Maquis. That’s why Tuvok accepts the alien tech in “Prime Factors,” recognizing that Janeway can’t. That’s why Seska is a compelling antagonist, pressuring the crew to abandon their ideals for survival. The series (or at least that first season) revolves around questions about identity and whether they’re willing to give that identity up now that they’re out from under the Federation’s thumb. Overwhelmingly, they choose not to... which would make murdering the Vidiian a complete 180 for her character. We’re not necessarily supposed to agree with Janeway’s choice, we’re supposed to acknowledge that murdering another sentient being is not some simple choice to make, especially when you’re a leader devoted to a certain set of ideals. We’re supposed to recognize the challenges here (many of which SFDebris doesn’t acknowledge) like how you’re supposed to keep a prisoner for the next 75 years when you’re already struggling to feed and take care of the crew you have, or the fact that they claim to take organs from dead bodies and this was a rare time when they couldn’t. (It’s only in “Faces” that we learn this is complete BS and they actively kidnap people to work as slaves and then be harvested.) The frustration that Janeway doesn’t act here stems from wanting her to be a character who is, fundamentally, not a Star Trek captain. 

Granted, I only watched one review, but that’s what the whole thing felt like: wanting a series that’s not Star Trek. Something without a token, challenging character, without hand-wavy science, that’s more serialized, and doesn’t adhere to a “do no harm” code. (I just started “Initiations” and Chakotay asks a vessel to stand down three times, while actively being attacked, before finally retaliating and then he tries to reestablish communications and then he warns them about their engine and then he beams them aboard his shuttle. That’s what Star Trek (usually) is: that idealized love of life, even when that life is actively hostile). And like, that’s obviously fine! As you say, Flawartist, “watch/enjoy whatever you wish,” but just based on this one review I wonder if SFDebris just wants something other than Star Trek. 

I think one of the reasons why I feel passionately about this (beyond my love of context and recognizing when shows are actively trying to accomplish something specific) is that I went through this with DS9. For years I heard about how horrible the show was. It’s trash. It’s a mess. It’s not TNG, so don’t even bother. Or, if you do, be prepared for disappointment. There was this whole, strong rhetoric about how silly it all is--Star Trek is, by default, silly, so supposedly only the Shakespeare loving, archeology obsessed captain is sophisticated enough to save it--and then... I found nothing of the sort. I mean yeah, obviously Star Trek is silly as hell (that’s part of its charm), but DS9 was also a complex, nuanced look into everything from personal agency to the threat of genocide. There’s so much wonderful storytelling there... little of which made it into my cultural understanding of DS9. And now I’m seeing the same thing with Voyager. When I did some quick googling I was bombarded by articles saying how bad it is and now I have an ask comparing it to a show I don’t think has even a quarter of the heart the Star Trek franchise does. Which is is not AT ALL meant as a knock against you, anon. I’m just fascinated by this cultural summary of Star Trek: TOS is ridiculous but fun if you’re willing to ignore large swaths of it, TNG is a masterpiece and that’s that, DS9 is bad, Voyager is bad, and to be frank I haven’t heard much of anything about Enterprise. It’s weird! Because I watch these shows and I’m like, “Holy shit there’s so much good storytelling here.” Is it perfect? Not on your life, but it’s trying in a way that I can really appreciate. It’s Star Trek and Star Trek (at least at the time) meant something pretty specific. Criticisms about divisive characters or idealized forgiveness feel like walking out of a Fast and Furious film and going, “There was too much driving and silly combat. Why didn’t they just fix the situation in this easy way?” Because then we wouldn’t have a film about lots of driving and silly combat! If you make all the characters palatable, make Janeway harder, extend the impact of all the discoveries, remove the ridiculous science that doesn’t make any sense... then you don’t have Star Trek anymore. 

[qwertyfingers]

we know that bobby only watched ds9 and dean watched the tos movies for sure which implies he's seen tos as well (plus he calls jack spock). so what do you think everyone's favorite trek is? sam is without a doubt a tng fan first and foremost. i think out of all tos movies cas prefers the wrath of khan because he Feels Things when kirk and spock do the ta'al through the glass. charlie has definitely seen some trek (we've seen her llap), do you think she's into tos first and foremost? anyway let's talk about star trek nights in the bunker.

OKAY SO I HAVE. MANY MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG.

like. like of COURSE bobby only likes ds9 of course he does i could have told you this without the show becuase like. bobby is That Bitch. i think rufus will have watched TOS at least because leonard nimoy worked hard on linking jewish faith and practices into the vulcan lore and i think that would mean something to him. bobby will catch rufus smiling at him sometimes while they’re watching ds9 and ask him what all gruffly and rufus will smirk at him and say something about sisko with jake and bobby with dean and bobby will just cough and take a swig of whiskey and rufus will raise his eyebrows but let it slide. rufus definitely makes a comment once about dean&cas being like jake&nog that totally flies over dean’s head but bobby is all knowing eyebrow raise about.

i think cas and jack would really like discovery. while it has some issues with inconsistency, pacing, being a little dark, it also does better than the other TV treks at utilising the nature of film as a medium to instill a sense of wonder, at space and the world, and that’s something they’d really appreciate. i have my own issues with disco, but an obol for charon is as close to the central core of trek that disco ever gets. cas and jack also like that one in particular because they like listening to all the different languages being spoken. they all love michael (everyone loves michael). cas’ faves are stamets and reno because they’re mean and gay, jack’s fave is tilly because she’s excitable and bright and he latches onto that. dean likes reno because she’s got spunk. sam’s fave is airiam and he will never forgive them for killing her off. sam, cas and dean all feel an uncomfortable kinship with both ash and culber - they’ve both been the one with monster teeming under the surface, controleld by something not themself, but they’ve also all spent that time in hell/purgatory, separated from everyone they love.

thinking about episodes that would really get to them all, darmok is. THE ONE. i have a whole unfinished essay about darmok as the platonic ideal of star trek; the perfect distillation of everything trek is SUPPOSED to be about. it doens’t always get there but by god it tries! that speech michael gives in the disco s2 finale - “There's a whole galaxy of people out there who will reach for you. You have to let them. Find that person who seems farthest from you and reach for them.” - that’s what darmok is about!!! it’s all about a situation where real communication seems impossible, where everything we know about talking and learning has broken down. and picard says, okay, i will find another way. i can’t relate to you, you can’t relate to me, but by god i’m going to try. we all meet people we have trouble communicating with in our lives, and often, those people will not care about changing their own ways to accommodate us. for people with autism, adhd, psychosis, the list goes on, this is a very common occurrence. it’s exhausting and frustrating and alienating. darmok is all about crossing that barrier. about reaching for someone through a world of difficulty and learning how to talk. learning how to share something with someone who seems out of our reach. it’s beautiful, it’s heartwrenching, it means more to me than i can easily put into words! 

anyway i think the bunker fam would experience a lot of emotions watching it together. there’s defintiely a lot of hugging eachother, sam cries a lot and won’t look at anyone until after the episode ends. jack just asks a lot of questions and talks about his progress learning sign language with cas. dean snakes his hand into cas’ halfway through and doesn’t let go. doesn’t show the emotion on his face, but he clutches harder at the emotional beats. cas runs his fingers through jack’s hair and thinks a lot, and decides not to say anything unless dean talks first. its just a Lot for everyone. 

dean def makes them marathon all the TOS and TNG movies. it’s an experience everyone needs at least once. i think you’re right about cas and TWOK with the ta’al through the glass, but also ‘this simple feeling’ and the hand hold would make him feel crazy. bones being the one that spock entrusts with his katra DEF makes dean feel some type of way because as much as destiel is kirkspock-coded, dean IS bones, and seeing spock trust bones so completely despite how at odds they were when they first knew eachother would dig deep into dean’s psyche and make him more than a little bit nutso. the movies are way too long for jack so he mostly sits and plays animal crossing while they watch and looks at the screen when everyone else gasps or when something exciting is happening that holds his attention for a while. sam’s fave is nemesis precisely because it’s terrible and he loves how camp it is.

dean has definitely seen all of trek. i refuse to believe someone who watches as much tv and films as dean wouldn’t sit and watch the whole shebang. i think he’s probably seen TOS and the TOS movies more than the others because its easier than sitting through 7 seasons, but i think rather than that being his favourite he’d just have really strong opinions about the best episodes of each one? like if you asked him what his favourite is he’d say you can’t answer that because they’re all so different from eachother

VOY - bride of chaotica, non seqitur, macrocosm for the favourite episodes. seven, janeway and tuvok would be his favourite characters. he think toms a bit of a knob but also feels a kinship with him for the similar brand of bab dad-ism but he wouldn’t be able to put that into words. he’s also a fierce defender of threshold being a good episode (he’s right for that)

DS9 - our man bashir it’s our man bashir. he doesn’t dislike ds9 but its very plot heavy and he didn’t care for it when he was younger. rewatching it after living through multiple supernatural wars he’d probably appreciate it more. i know for a fact he cries every time there’s an episode about sisko being a good dad. jadzia and garak are his faves

TNG - he LOVES q. he also absolutely will not be caught dead referencing how much loves q after cas comes into his life because sam will do the little brotherly knowing eyebrow raise at him and he will die of embarrassment. he regularly references ‘there are four lights’ because he’s a fucking nerd. he has made cas watch elementary my dear data and fistful of datas a half dozen times each at LEAST. cas KNEW how dean was going to be about the cowboy hat he’s defintiely got into full cowboy getup at home just for watching movies and in cas’ head star trek is fully to blame.

TOS - oh there are so many good TOS eps to choose from. obv he loves most of the series becuase TOS has MANY banger eps, his favourites are probably like. mirror mirror, amok time (baby dean defintiely had some kind of crisis watching it for the first time; i know the rituals are intricate). i know deep in my bones that dean watched the conscience of the king (introduction of the tarsus iv massacre) once and then spent his entire teenage years writing fic about that in his head, whether he posted it or not. dean related too much to those experiences of shared hunger. city on the edge of forever is one of everyone’s faves for a reason (and i’m STILL mad we never got a closer take on that episode in spn it could have been so fun). 

ENT - he definitely thinks enterprise is stupid and he’s not wrong but he has also definitely watched it and been very repressed about the whole thing. mans was like oh i feel a kinship with malcolm reed the obviously repressed queer man. i will never examine this feeling ever again thank you <3 he also makes fun of archer for being obsessed with, of all sports, water polo. shran is his favourite character because he’s a little shit and makes him laugh, and t’pol, because t’pol is a badass and he’d appreciate that. i can’t remember the title of a single episode off the top of my head though lol.

i can see what you’re saying about sam being a TNG stan. i’m conflicted though, I feel like TNG’s generally the favourite of 1) obnoxious nerds who think knowing trivia facts makes them smart, 2) men desperately trying to seem masculine and 3) people who’ve watched it three times and have extremely complex thoughts on the personhood and rights of robots. i could see sam fitting into the third group, but people who are in it for the robot feelings are a coin flip between voyager and tng being the fave, and i just have a feeling that voyager would be his favourite. i know kid sam is getting gender envy watching voyager in shitty motels while dad and dean are out, trying to find the words for it. his first semester at stanford he talks a friend into giving him the janeway haircut and rides that high for months. sam’s favourite characters are seven and EMH. 

sam and dean have definitely had dozens of long drawn out debates about philosophical topics in star trek. do the holograms deserve rights and if so which ones. are the romulans and vulcans still meaningfully the same people. was spock right for trying to foment reunification by going undercover on romulus. can the borg be redeemed. etc etc.

i haven’t seen any of picard at all so i can’t comment. i also think sam and dean probably read a lot of the trek books? they’re pretty common to find in secondhand bookstores and cheap, would have been even cheaper back in the day. sam probably doesn’t care for them much, dean has a few solid faves though. i’ve only read the disco books so i can’t comment anything specifically (besides the fact that i think dean read dead endless and cried like a baby), but some of the TOS and DS9 books are gay as hell and i know dean was eyes emoji-ing that shit. 

[kiradaxx]

Critical Care

This idea jumped into my head soon as I saw the scene with Tuvok and Janeway holding hands on the bridge in the episode Critical Care. This is definitely not a criticism of that scene because I loved it and found it hilarious and Janeway and Tuvok are bros for life. Tuvok's reaction was priceless and both actors crushed it. But I couldn't help reimagining this scene with a J/7 twist, cause, of course. So here we go, enjoy my brief, goofy J/7 rewrite of this episode's fake dating trope.

Also on AO3 here

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A powerful headache was throbbing in Janeway’s temples as she waited for the communications link to be picked up by yet another Delta Quadrant inhabitant in the long line of fruitless interviews she’d been conducting all day. Patience was a virtue she did not possess, but diplomacy she had in spades. So she’d been smiling and charming and biting her tongue down on more acerbic comments all day as she attempted to track down the scam artist who had managed to steal their doctor’s program right out from under her nose.

After hours of chasing down contacts and bouncing from one rumor to the next, from one unhelpful, frustrating source to the next, not only was Janeway tired, she was bored out of her mind. However, they had finally found a workable lead in Gar’s current girlfriend. They had just concluded a call with her husband- a sad, weepy man with little dignity left to his name. He had divulged far more information about his wife’s adultery than Janeway cared to know, but at least they had learned something to go off of. Now, they were hoping this woman could give them Gar’s actual whereabouts, rather than just tell them yet another story of how he had conned some unsuspecting soul and made off into the ether.

Janeway leaned heavily against the railing of the main command stage of her bridge, staring at the still empty view screen. Her chin rested in her right hand, her elbow on the railing, and as she stared out into space, she suppressed the urge to tap her fingers restlessly against her cheek. Waiting for the call to be picked up was about as thrilling as watching paint dry, and while she hoped for a more productive conversation this time, she wished she could be doing just about anything else at the moment.

Finally, their hail was answered, and the view screen displayed a pale woman with a large forehead of unique ridges sitting luxuriantly on a couch in what appeared to be a sunroom of some sort. Making quick work of her initial assessment of the woman and the necessary introductions, Janeway wasted no further time in explaining who they were looking for. This held little interest for the woman, though, and rather than offering any information about Gar, she instead asked how they had found her. When she was informed that her husband had given them her name, a look of vague disgust overtook the woman’s features. Janeway lamented internally as she realized the moment the woman opened her mouth that she was about to be subjected to still more details of this couple’s relationship problems.

“You’re a woman, you saw my husband with your own eyes.” Her tone carried a distinct distaste as she continued, “Overweight, depressed. You would have left him too.” A playful spark and a vapid smile lit up the woman’s face next, and she added, “Especially if you had met someone as exciting as Gar.”

Nasty comments about the man’s size or emotional state were hardly necessary, but Janeway couldn’t afford to lose this lead now. Not when they’d finally come so close to getting the scammer’s location. So for the sake of her missing crew member, once more she bit down on the inside of her cheek and held back on her criticism of the woman’s shameful attitude. She was only just able to restrain an eye roll when the woman began extolling Gar’s seductive qualities. But her day had been long and exhausting and filled with some of the most inane conversations she’d ever entertained, and when she offered a placating agreement to the woman’s assessment, she didn’t bother to muster any more enthusiasm than she would have for extensive dental work.

Chin still in her hands, posture slouched, and boredom leaching through every syllable, she said, “Yes, he’s very exciting.”

Somehow, unfathomably, this woman managed to interpret her words as genuine interest in Gar. As a threat of competition for her lover. She stiffened, growing defensive and accusative, throwing a glare through the screen while asking, “That’s why you’re looking for him, isn’t it? You want him for yourself.”

Janeway stared at her incredulously for a long moment, at once both insulted at the implication that she would be attracted to a sleeze like Gar, and baffled at how dense this woman must be to believe her lackluster agreement had constituted any actual desire.

Her patience had long ago run out, and even her dedication to diplomacy was wearing thin at this point. Her battle against the roll of her eyes continued to be hard fought, but not fully won as she felt herself blinking rapidly through her exasperation. She lifted her head off of her hand but changed little else about her posture, and replied, “I assure you I have no romantic interest in him whatsoever.”

The woman’s eyes narrowed and her shoulders remained squared, clearly still offended. “Why, not good enough for you?”

“No it’s not that, it’s just-” Janeway began to reply earnestly, but cut herself off. This was maddening, and she did finally allow herself to roll her eyes then. How did they even get this far off track, and why was she continuing this ridiculous topic? She exchanged a quick glance with Seven, who was serving a duty shift on the bridge and standing not too far from where Janeway was leaning against the rail of the main command well. The quirk of Seven's ocular implant and the amused but critical gleam in her eyes told Janeway she was not alone in finding this woman impressively asinine.

An idea occurred to her then, an absurd one. A ridiculous solution for a ridiculous problem, she supposed. She needed to get their conversation back to the matter at hand without angering Gar’s lover or drawing out this argument any further, and when she looked to the woman standing to her right, she saw a method to do just that. With an expression that made little effort to hide how unimpressed Janeway was with this whole situation, she reached her hand out expectantly towards Seven. She was completely bemused, but understood what Janeway was asking for and, albeit hesitantly, she placed her hand in the outstretched one the captain offered. Their fingers interlocked, sliding into a comfortable position without thought, and Janeway made sure to hold their hands up in clear view of the screen. She squeezed Seven’s hand in silent reassurance, and thanked the universe that she had played along without spoken question, even if she could feel Seven’s confused stare burrowing into her profile.

She intentionally allowed a little extra husk to fill her voice, a smoky lilt accompanying the suggestive look in her eyes as she said, “Gar’s not really my type, if you catch my drift.”

The woman observed them for a moment with no reaction at first, her defensive demeanor unchanged. Tom Paris turned from his position at the helm in surprise, and Harry Kim chuckled to himself while Tuvok merely lifted one eyebrow in their direction. Janeway ignored all of them; allowing herself to be embarrassed would hardly be conducive to getting the information she sought, and she didn’t have the intention of giving any of them the satisfaction. She had nothing to feel embarrassed about anyway. She was dealing with con artists, a little misdirection was necessary. After a few more seconds, she saw the understanding dawn on the alien woman, illuminating her expression. She observed them more curiously now, fixating on their joined hands and seemingly sizing them up. Her hostility deflated, and she appeared to be appeased by the insinuation that Janeway’s interests lay in a decidedly more sapphic direction.

Relieved that the ruse had worked, Janeway tried not to think too hard about the pleasant warmth suffusing her skin where her hand remained cradled by Seven’s. She hadn’t expected Seven’s touch to be quite so gentle, almost tender, and she wasn’t sure what to do with this information now that her brain was aware of it. But this was neither the time nor the place for her to feel a fluttering in her stomach that she wouldn’t want to analyze too closely even in the best of circumstances. She wasn’t actually attracted to women after all, she was simply skilled in the art of deception when the need arose. So, she pushed the thought aside and refocused.

“We have a business opportunity for Mr. Gar.” She said, resolute professionalism twice enforced now to maintain her composure. “One that will expire if we don’t find him soon.”

With all of the fight in her posture vanished, the woman released a slight sigh and finally, finally gave them Gar’s current location. “He’s on his way to the gambling tournament on Selek IV.” She paused, then in a softer tone, she added, “When you see him, tell him to hurry home.”

Janeway bit her tongue down one last time for that afternoon and refrained from saying that there was very little chance Gar considered their affair to be more than a quick romp in the sack, let alone his home. She hoped the look she gave the woman wasn’t too pity filled, but as the connection was terminated and the star filled vacuum of space retook the screen, she indulged in one last roll of her eyes. Just a small one, well earned after having had to insinuate herself even peripherally into the marital drama of several random civilians.

In the next moment, she remembered she was still holding Seven’s hand. Her skin tingled at the comforting warmth still present, and she looked to Seven with a slightly sheepish expression. Seven, for her part, was staring rather intently at Janeway, brows furrowed deep in question. Janeway was about to apologize in case she had made her uncomfortable, but the other woman spoke first.

“Are you sexually attracted to women?”

Well, at least Janeway could count on Seven not to beat around the bush. She fought the flames of embarrassment licking at her heated skin, and instead quirked her lips up in what she hoped was a confident grin.

“I was just trying to get Gar’s girlfriend to focus on the question. I needed to mislead her a little, make her think you and I were an item.”

Seven studied her another moment before replying, voice devoid of inflection. “I see.”

Janeway couldn’t shake the peculiar feeling that she had disappointed or upset Seven in some way, and she returned to her original plan to apologize. She still hadn’t let go of Seven’s hand, though she wasn’t sure why. She squeezed the hand in hers lightly, and said, “It seemed like the easiest way to get the information. I apologize if I made you uncomfortable. Thank you, for playing along.”

Seven nodded but said nothing, leaving Janeway to feel like she was still missing something. She offered Seven one more crooked smile, one more small squeeze of their hands, and finally dropped her hold on the other woman. While Seven returned to her normal work, Janeway strode over to her command chair, sinking into it with purpose. She put aside the seed of worry digging into her mind for the sake of focusing on their task. Crossing her legs and assuming her authoritative positioning, she commanded Tom to lay in a course for Selek IV. She would apologize to Seven again later if she needed to, perhaps find a way to make the offense up to her if she were still upset. But for now, she had a member of her crew to rescue.

[moocowmoocow]

Because @cannibalspicnic is a horrible influence, I present:

When Janeway met Avasarala.

When Harry had told Janeway that the mysterious gate in front of Voyager had a opening in the vicinity of Uranus, her knees nearly gave out. They had had so many false hopes through the years that she thought she had built a strong forcefield around her emotions whenever the prospect of home beckoned. But the strong signals coming from the gate and the Doctor’s reassurance that the crew was fully conscious and in their right minds had given her more hope than she had since she first destroyed the Caretaker’s array.

Leaning over Tom’s shoulder, she checked the flight path. If the strange space in front of them proved to be no problem, they should be home in an hour at the latest. She mentally rolled her eyes at herself. Of course the strange space was going to be a problem. When had anything been easy in the Delta Quadrant?

She squeezed Tom’s shoulder. “Ready?” she asked.

Tom looked back and gave her a smirk that was reassuring in its familiarity. “Yes, ma’am.”

She let go of his arm and made her way to the command center. “Janeway to Engineering.”

“Torres here.”

“Are your shield modifications ready?”

“Aye, Captain.”

Janeway could hear a hint of happiness and excitement in her engineer’s voice. She grinned and looked over at Chakotay. “What do you think, Commander? Should we go home?”

He tapped the back of his hand twice. “Not dreaming.” He smiled at her. “I think we’re good to go, Captain.”

She put her hands on her hips. “Engage.”

Voyager didn’t even shudder as they entered the strange space. There was a large space station in the center, but it did not seem to detect Voyager as it slipped by it. The shield modifications must have rendered Voyager invisible to its sensors. As Voyager exited the gate that opened to Sector 001, Janeway let out a breath she hadn’t been aware she was holding.

They emerged in a solar system that Janeway knew as well as the back of her hand. Probably better, if she was honest. This had been entirely too easy. Something had to be - - -

“Captain,” Harry said, panic in his voice. “Everything is wrong.”

She turned to look at him. He was pale, staring at his sensor readings in shock. “What do you mean, wrong?”

“This is our solar system. But it’s not our solar system.” He shook his head. “There are no Federation signatures. Utopia Planitia and all other Federation bases do not exist.”

“Damn,” she whispered.

“Earth and Mars are still there,” he added. She could see him clinging the last remaining vestiges of hope. “It appears that most of the life in this system is concentrated on those two planets.”

The responsible thing would be to turn around and go back where she came. She can almost feel Tuvok willing her to do it. But she had come too far to turn away now. “Mr. Paris, lay in a course toward Earth, maximum warp.”

“Captain - “ Tuvok started to object

“I know, Tuvok. But since we’re here, we might as well look at home.”

He arched his eyebrow but did not say anything more as they made their way to Earth.

*

When they arrived, Earth filled their view screen. It was wrong, yes, with different coastlines and choking pollution, but it was still the Earth and it was beautiful. Janeway could not stop the gasp and the tears that flooded her eyes at the sight of it. Many on the bridge seemed to be in the same state as her, gazing in wonder and dismay at the planet.

“Captain, we’re being hailed,” Harry reported.

Janeway wiped the tears from her eyes. “On screen,” she said, her voice a little rough with the emotions swirling in her.

A human woman appeared on the screen, wearing what seemed to be actual gold jewelry with a purple jacket. Janeway saw that she was trying to hide her shock and fear, but she could not completely banish them from her eyes. “I’m Captain Kathryn Janeway, of the Federation Starship Voyager,” Janeway said in her most placating voice.

The other woman pursed her lips. “What the fuck is the Federation?” And Tuvok thought she was undiplomatic.

Janeway moved toward the view screen, putting her hands up in an effort to try to diffuse the situation. “We’ll get to that. Why don’t you tell me who you are?”

The other woman gathered herself together and tilted her chin upwards. “I’m Chrisjen Avasarala, Secretary General of the United Nations.”

The United Nations sounded familiar.  “It was an organization created after World War II, Captain,” Tom interjected. “It was supposed to stop more world wars.”

Avasarala narrowed her eyes. “You’re human?”

Janeway nodded. “I and most of my crew are. However, other members of my crew come from other planets that are members of the Federation.”

“But you came through the ring gates. How do I know you’re not some protomolecule shit?”

“You and your people are free to come and do any tests, but you’ll find that we’re completely human.”

“I’ll have to take you up on that.”

“Get your people together. We’ll transport you over.”

The other woman nodded. Janeway turned back to Chakotay. “Fuck,” she said, rubbing her hands across her face.

[summahsunlight]

This Way Became My Journey, Ch. 24

When Neelix opened his eyes for the second time that day, just Counselor Barrett was standing over him, one of her small hands was resting behind his ear and she was smiling at him. She had such a pretty smile, he concluded, and if he were in better spirits he might actually feel warmed by her presence. Instead he felt conflicted. She was here obviously to calm him down from before when he had his first anxiety attack, but he couldn't stand the sight of her standing up right and breathing on own her with her little shy grin. She could not possibly understand what was going on with him. How could she? She had never been forced to live like this. She had never been intentionally paralyzed.

"How are you feeling Neelix?" Her voice was soft, using gentle tones like a mother would use with their sick child.

What a stupid question. I'm feeling miserable. I may never get out of this device and be forced to spend the rest of my life in here. "I'm…feeling alright."

She patted his shoulder. "It's alright to tell me otherwise, Neelix. I understand."

Do you really? Do you really know what it's like to be lying here unable to move? Neelix averted his eyes. He didn't want to speak with her. He didn't want to listen to her tell him some therapeutic babble that she was undoubtedly going to give to him. It was not going to help, it was not going to get him out of this device. When he had first opened his eyes earlier that day he had been skeptical, but happy to be alive. Now, now he wished that the Commander and Ensign Kim had just left him to die on that planetoid. It would have been much better than lying here, staring up at the ceiling, which Kes' had decorated rather nicely, for the rest of his life.

"How about we talk about something other than yourself? How about Kes? How did you meet her?"

Thinking of Kes brought about another bout of melancholy. She had been standing there when he first had a woken when Lieutenant Barrett had told him what the Doctor and Lieutenant Paris had done to keep him alive. Kes had been so naïve, she was after all only one year old, confident that the Doctor was going to find a better solution. He had tried to get her to go on with her life, even if he knew that meant she'd be with Tom Paris. The man was already making the moves on her and Neelix wasn't even dead yet. "I don't want to talk about Kes."

"There must be something we can talk about to pass the time by."

"NO!" Neelix yelled, angry eyes flashing at her. "I don't want to talk! Just leave me alone!"

He saw her sapphire eyes flicker off to the side; she must have been looking at the holo doctor. And then he was surprised to see them snap back to him, with just as much anger. This wasn't the type of person he had read about in the ship's database that studied to become a counselor. For a moment, the glare almost reminded him of Captain Janeway. This girl could have command of a ship someday. I can see her going toe to toe with the Kazon just like Captain Janeway.

"You're going to listen to me and you're going to listen to me real good, understood Mister Neelix?"

She even sounds like Janeway. All he could do was nod his head; she had rendered him speechless for once.

"Good," she said, sternly. "Now I won't begin to try to even understand how you must be feeling, because I've never been lying in your situation. But, if this is going to work, you're going to have to get off of the woe is me bandwagon and start facing facts. You're alive and that's better than anyone could hope for if they've lost their lungs."

"My lungs weren't lost! They were stolen!"

"You're also lucky," she went on to say, ignoring him, "That you have a captain who is completely devoted to finding who did this to you. I've spent a few years in Starfleet and I'll tell you right now, I've yet to see a captain as loyal to her crew as Kathryn Janeway. Now, I would think you'd want to show her a little respect and gratitude for what she's doing for you and sitting here whining about everything is NOT the way to go about it."

Neelix instantly felt sheepish. How could such a small woman make me feel so…inferior?

Her eyes softened a bit. "I can only do so much for you Neelix. You have to be able to help yourself along the way. Now, let's try this again, what would you like to talk about?"

He bit his lip. "What's happens to Kes if Captain Janeway doesn't find my lungs?"

Lieutenant Barrett looked confused. "She would stay on Voyager."

"But what happens to her? Does she go on with her life?"

"That decision is entirely up to Kes what she does if Captain Janeway is unsuccessful in finding your lungs."

Neelix didn't hear her, he kept rambling. "Does she end up with…Tom Paris?"

She blinked. "What does Tom Paris have to with any of this?"

He didn't miss what she had said that time for her voice caught a little. He turned his eyes to meet hers. "You're trained to make observations, haven't you seen the way he looks at her?"

"He looks at every woman that way Mister Neelix. I've noticed no difference in his behavior."

"Even you?"

Her face flushed a little. "Even…me."

"You could do better than Tom Paris," Neelix pointed out to her. "Like…Ensign Kim."

Her eyebrow shot up. "Harry?"

"I see you two eating in the mess hall together all the time," Neelix replied, with a smile. It felt good to smile he realized. "Sitting and chatting; you always look so relaxed and happy when you're with him. And he did bring you those flowers while you were recovering from your injuries."

"How do you know about those flowers?"

"Ensign Brooks saw him bring them to you. Word gets around fast on a little ship, Lieutenant. Everyone knows. I guess… I just assumed that there could be more there. I think you'd make a very cute couple."

Again her cheeks got a little pink but this time she glared at him. "We're supposed to be talking about you."

If he could shrug his shoulders he would have. "Talking about other people makes me feel better."

She rolled her eyes. She has very pretty eyes, they remind me of the ocean on Talax. "Really Neelix, gossip is not what I had in mind when I came down here. The Doctor wanted me to offer you my professional services, not my friendship."

"I'd rather have your friendship."

She smiled warmly. "I'd rather be your friend."

He could hear the doors to sickbay swish open. Barrett looked up to see who had entered the room and straightened her form. "Kes is here, I'll leave you in her capable hands while I go help Captain Janeway make first contact with a species that, well let's face it, doesn't want to make first contact with us. However, if you need me don't be afraid to contact me, alright?"

"Alright." As she turned to go, he called out, "Thank you Lieutenant, I really do feel better now."

Ship Counselor's log, stardate 48532.4; Mister Neelix still exhibits emotions and behaviors that are disturbing me greatly during his recovery, he goes from being extremely depressed to being extremely happy in a matter of moments. If were home in Alpha Quadrant I would request a trauma specialist, but for now I'm going to have to make do. I can only hope that the aliens we have followed into the asteroid have Neelix's lungs, or we're in for one long and rough ride.

Tom Paris happened to glance up to see Sarah Barrett come out of the turbo lift onto the bridge. She could not have been gone more than twenty minutes. Either Neelix had had a fast recovery or he was not awake yet and the lieutenant saw it pointless to wait around for him to wake up while she could be more useful on the bridge.

Janeway looked surprised to see her as well. "Everything alright?" the Captain asked, softly.

Sara made her way down the steps towards the command station. "For the moment yes, Kes is with him. But, if we're not successful in getting his lungs back, I'm afraid he's in for an emotional roller coaster ride. If we were home I'd request the services of a trauma specialist."

The Captain frowned. "Unfortunately we don't have that luxury. You're just going to have to do your best, Sarah."

Sarah's eyes sparkled, Tom loved it when she got that look, it made her look endearing. "Don't worry Captain Janeway, I'm confident we'll get his lungs back."

I wonder if she really means those words, Tom thought, turning back towards his control panel. And then he remembered that not more than twenty five minutes before she had known that Michael Janeway had taken the alien device and was about to enter the ready room. No one else on that bridge had seen the child move, not even B'Elanna Torres who had been right next to the boy when he did it. Perhaps she does know we're going to get his lungs back.

How she had known was another question. He didn't think she was part betazoid, after all, there had to have been some empathic or telepathic forces working there for her to know. And if she was part betazoid, she had never mentioned it before. Of course there had been a lot of things that she had not mentioned to him. Like the fact that Harry Kim had given her flowers while she had been recovering, or that he had stopped by every day to check on her. Glancing over his other shoulder he caught a glimpse of Harry working at his console intensely.

Tom had wanted Harry to find a new girlfriend, just not one he was thinking about dating. He admitted that he had tried to gage Harry's feelings for her when they had been talking about her in the mess hall while she had been missing. Although his attitude had been that he was happy for Harry, on the inside he was downright jealous and B'Elanna Torres of all people had picked up on it today.

Which meant by tomorrow it would be all over the ship. Damn little ship.

"You're doing just fine, Mister Paris," Janeway said, firmly from behind him. "Just fine."

Her little vote of confidence took his thoughts away from his jealousy of his best friend. It also made him aware that he was not paying attention to his flying. Perhaps that had been Janeway's intention of complimenting him. Either way he should acknowledge her faith in him. "Thanks Captain."

"Sensors detect a large chamber up a head, Captain," Tuvok reported.

The Vulcan was correct, Tom soon found out, because Voyager was flying into a large cavern where they appeared to be thousands of Voyagers and the alien ship. Oh just fabulous, this day keeps getting better and better.

Chakotay was the one to voice the opinion that they all were thinking. "What the hell is it?"

"We appear to be seeing Voyager and the alien ship reflecting off the walls of the chamber," Harry informed the bridge crew.

"Can you determine which ship is the real one?" Janeway said, suddenly appearing to his left.

"No Captain. The walls are emanating severe electromagnetic interference. I cannot scan them directly," Tuvok replied.

"It's like trying to navigate through a hall of mirrors," Janeway said. "You never know when you're going to walk into the glass."

Tom peered up at her. "I'm still picking up the alien's ion trail; maybe we should still follow that?"

"They might have left a fake ion trail to lure us in here," Chakotay replied. "It may lead us straight into one of those walls."

"That's a chance we're going to have to take," Janeway said, turning about to Tuvok. "Commander, extend the deflectors to maximum range. If we do run into something it will give us an extra margin of error. Follow the ion trail Mister Paris, slowly. Mister Kim, continuous scans."

"Aye Captain."

Captain Janeway's assessment of the chamber, like it was a hall of mirrors, was pretty accurate Tom concluded after starting to follow the ion trail again. He tried his best to navigate the maze as it were, but he wasn't sure when or if he was going to crash the ship into a wall at any moment. Just what Janeway needs today, me wrecking Starfleet's most advanced ship.

He felt something brush against his arm and could see out of the corner of eye Michael squeeze his way in between the conn and his mother so he could stand with Janeway. Even though the captain had told him before to stay in her chair, she gently weaved her hand through his hair in a gesture that Tom had received from his mother when he needed comforting as a child. Right now his deep blue eyes were watching the viewscreen intensely but anyone could see the nervous strain on his little face. As frightening as it was for the rest of them, they were trained officers, they knew how to deal with a situation like this. Michael was a child, a very bright child, but still a child. The thought that they were hunting down an alien that had stolen Neelix's lungs must have been a terrifying concept for him.

Janeway must have realized this as well. "Michael, why don't you go into the ready room and check on Ava."

"Yeah that sounds like a good idea," he answered. "I don't want her to get scared and all."

With a hint of smile Tom watched as the boy moved past him and disappeared into the ready room. He had to admit that even though he had not been thrilled when he had first learned of the kids being on board, the boy was starting to grow on him and who could resist Ava's big blue eyes? They were a nice little moral boaster to have around even if at times Michael went tinkering into conduits and consoles that he really shouldn't be tinkering with.

His console beeped. Tom glanced down at his controls to see what the issue was. "Captain," he said. "I'm reading a minor fluctuation in the warp core. I don't think it's anything to worry about."

But even as he said those words the power started to drain all over the ship.

Janeway tapped her combadge. "Janeway to Torres, what's going on down there?"

"Some kind of power drain," B'Elanna Torres answered. "I can't localize it but we're losing power at a rate of seven percent per minute."

"The power drain is coming from somewhere in this chamber, Captain," Harry told her. " Some kind of dampening field. It's bleeding energy directly from the warp nacelles."

"B'Elanna shut down the warp core and go to emergency power," Janeway ordered Torres.

"No effect Captain."

"Keep me informed, bridge out," Janeway said, turning towards Harry. "Ensign Kim can you pin point the source of the dampening field?"

"It appears to be coming from two one seven mark zero one five, distance five hundred and forty seven meters."

"Tuvok, what would happen if we locked phasers and fired at the source?"

"The walls of the chamber reflect directed energy. The phaser beam would ricochet along an unpredictable path, possibly impacting with our ship in the process."

"Alright, we won't try that."

Tom grinned at conn. Janeway's dry sense of humor was unlike anything he had seen in a Starfleet captain. She's in a class all her own.

"Maybe we should," Chakotay spoke up. "What would happen if we the phaser power to a minimum setting and sent out a continuous beam?"

"The phaser would continue to reflect off of the bulkheads until it encountered a non reflective material," Tuvok answered.

"Like the real alien ship," Chakotay replied.

Tom was intrigued. On paper it sounded like a good idea, and he realized it was the only one they had at this point.

"We'd be using the phaser's like a search light, scan the interior of the station until we find the alien ship," Janeway conversed.

"Exactly."

"Do it."

The phaser beam shot forth from the bow of the ship and soon created a tangled web of orange throughout the chamber bouncing off each of the reflected ships. Tuvok adjusted the phaser's so they wouldn't be harmful to Voyager if they managed to find their ship before the alien one.

"Wait a minute," Harry called out, "I think I've found the real ship."

"On screen."

The image on the viewscreen changed before him and Tom was looking at the alien ship with a phaser beam not reflecting off of it. The idea had actually worked. That was easy.

"Mister Paris bring us within transporter range of that ship."

"Yes ma'am."

"I'm picking up two life signs," Harry said.

Tuvok gave a brief report next. "The alien ship is powering up engines."

"Bridge to transporter room three, lock onto those two life signs and beam them aboard."

Tom saw Janeway move swiftly across the bridge and enter the turbo lift with Sarah and Tuvok. He almost pitied them, having to make first contact under situations like this, of course Sarah had dealt with the Borg, and certainly this was a walk in the park compared to that.

Well, maybe. Janeway was not going to be happy that these aliens had led them on a chase and attacked one of her crewmen. He had only been on this ship a month and already he had seen her temper. Sarah was not only going to have the job of first contact she was going to have the job of calming Janeway down to make a good first contact. Good first contact? How can it be good when they've already hurt one our crewmen? It's already gotten off on a bad foot.

"Tom, where's Mama?"

He looked up to see that Michael had now rejoined them on the bridge and with a rather cranky looking Ava. Guess who just woke up. "She went to the transporter room to get Neelix's lungs back. We beamed the aliens who took them on board."

"We found the alien's ship? And brought the aliens on board?"

"We did."

The boy looked worried. "Tom, they aren't going to hurt Mama are they? What if they want her lungs too?"

Tom blinked, noticing the glare that Chakotay gave him. Right, the kid is five, too much information. "Uh, well she took Commander Tuvok with her, and some security. They had phasers. I'm sure she'll be fine—,"

"But Neelix had a phaser too! It's standard procedure to bring a phaser on an away mission! And that didn't stop them from taking his lungs!" Michael gasped, fretful tears streaming down his cheeks.

What the hell have I done? He looked towards Chakotay for help, but the first officer shook his head, as if to tell him he had to get himself out of this mess. "Michael, listen, stop crying. Everything will be fine, promise."

This only seemed to make the boy cry harder, which made Ava start to cry and garner looks from the whole bridge crew his way. Tom felt like crawling into a hole and hiding for hours. Even more so when Michael wailed, "That's what Mama said when we hadn't heard from Daddy in three days! And he didn't come home!"

Tom felt his heart drop. He couldn't imagine what it had been like for the boy, who had been only three at the time, to lose his father. It must have been harder on Janeway trying to comfort him. But Janeway didn't have the option that Tom had now, glancing at Chakotay briefly, he called out, "Computer locate Captain Janeway."

[sharpnothashtag]

Chapter 41, The Good Ship CrushWay

If you’re keeping track at home (as I’m sure none of you are) this is the beginning of season three!  This began as an idea back in the summer of 2018, when I read all of my friend’s CrushWay fanfic (a considerable amount) in one day. (https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophieD?fbclid=IwAR3H_Q6kcXZThegwEHFBsggHvRXzjNORwNCBTAWq-Fmzmxp5yD1XXrCdO70)  I thought to myself: “What if I took that ship and MADE IT MY OWN?!”  Out of that was birthed whatever this has become.  It has been a great source of solace and silliness in 2020, which could have used more of both of those things. As a general PSA, I should probably state here what I’ve said multiple times in conversation about this fic: I do not claim that this fic is actually any good.  It is, however, a ship-ton of fun! (Author’s note: I’m ret-coning something from the very very first episode.  It is the year 2375.  The first episode occurs in 2373.) With that being said, let’s start off season three the way it should be started: with a Data episode!

Data is practicing violin in his quarters.  His doorbell rings.

Data: (putting down his violin) Enter. Bev: (entering, clearly excited) I got it! Data: (mirroring her excitement) May I see it? (Bev nods excitedly.  She pulls out a golden band with a single emerald in the center.) Was it altered?  Other than it being sized, of course. Bev: It was my idea to include her birthstone, but her father’s ring was just the perfect idea.  I am a bit jealous that I didn’t think of that before Gretchen mentioned it. Data: Kathryn will love it.  Beverly, may I pose a semi-rhetorical question to you? (Bev giggles a little and nods.) Who would have thought that you would be marrying again--and for that matter, marrying someone younger than you? Bev: (feigning insult) You don’t have to rub it in.  (small smile to show that she’s kidding) Just because Kate is 39 and I’m...(she can’t bring herself to say it)  Data: 51 years, two months-- Bev: Yes.  Somehow I always forget that you do that.  Now...is everything prepared? Data: Yes, Beverly.  The crew is to report to the Promenade at 2100 hours to celebrate.  Worf and DeAnna are making a trip for this occasion.   Bev: He’s been baking, hasn’t he? Data: Yes.  He seems quite pleased with his efforts.  DeAnna is, of course, supplying a chocolate bar of sorts. Bev: Wesley said he’s bringing his dom-jot board. (Data moves his head in a very Data way.) What is it? Data: I made a connection I had not made before.  Wesley is twenty seven now, correct? Bev: (blinking, realizing Wesley is older than she was when she had him) Yes.  Well, 26.  His birthday is next week, though. Data: And he is coming in on the Rogelio with the graduates of Counselor Troi’s program? Bev: Yes, the academy is hosting the graduation.  Wesley has been catching up with Boothby for a few days, so he decided to go to the graduation to support Patrick and then come back here for the party.  What is the connection? Data: You know about Kathryn’s new post, correct? Bev: Of course I do; it’s OUR new post--all three of us.  (impatiently) What connection did you make, Data? Data: One of our newest academy graduates is coming to be a part of the crew.  Their name is Daneel Akares. Bev: Hmm, strong Bajoran name.  Why him, though? Data: Them, Beverly. Bev: Sorry, them.  Why did you make the connection from them to Wesley? Data: They have the same January 11th birthday.  And they bear a striking resemblance to Wesley. Bev: ...is that all? Data: No.  There is one more curious similarity. Bev: Which is? Data: When Daneel was 13, they ran away to go undercover to the Cardassians in disguise.   Bev: (horrified) They’re a  Zoma Devo’tá? Data: (gently) They were.  Daneel did some damage, escaped, and returned to their parents.  Together, they fled to an underground shelter, built ages before the occupation.  While they were there, the story goes that Daneel built an undetectable communications system, where they could intercept messages from the Cardassian military and alter them to redirect troops away from Bajoran forces.  They became an exceptional strategist--unparalleled in tactical skills.  From there, the story turns to legend. Bev: Legend?  Do tell. Data: The Traveler appeared. Bev: The Traveler?  There’s a name I haven’t heard in ages. Data: One day, there was a bit of a cave-in.  Daneel had managed to fit a few families into their shelter, and the militia had been leaving food at an undisclosed location.  Each night, one person would sneak out of the shelter, retrieve the food, and bring it back.  It was Daneel’s turn.  When Daneel was almost to the food, the Traveler appeared.   Bev: What did the Traveler say? Data: The Traveler said he was looking for you. Bev: Wait.  Me?  Me, Beverly Crusher? Data: Yes. Bev: Why me? Data: The Traveler noticed you were caught in that warp bubble Wesley created, and he was looking for you to try to get you out.  Daneel was greatly frightened. Bev: Did their emotions activate the sequence? Data: Yes.  This is frightened them even more.  The Traveler realized he had frightened Daneel and reached out to touch them.  Something in his touch diffused the bomb. Bev: What happened then?  Why did The Traveler appear there--Starbase 133 isn’t close to Bajor at all. Data: As no one completely understands The Traveler’s ways, I am unsure.  As for the next part of the story, Daneel is the only living Zoma Devo’tá.  Maybe when they get here, you can ask them.  They are the Chief Tactical Officer. Bev: That’s a big position for a recent academy graduate. Data: As I said, they are unparalleled in their tactical strategies.  They are said to be unorthodox.  When dealing with the Borg, that is sure to be an invaluable trait. Bev: Well, it sounds as if our newest crew member is sure to be a wonderful addition to the team.  I’ll see you later, Data--I should really go prepare to propose now (smiling broadly). Data: I will see you on the Promenade this evening!  The best of luck to you, Beverly.

Beverly grins, nods, and exits.  Data exits and reenters the room with an easel, one featuring an almost finished impressionist rendering of Bev and KJ holding hands and walking in the snow into the Northern Lights..

Data: First Officer’s Personal Log, Stardate 37044.763.  Today, two of my friends are getting engaged.  I have spent several months challenging myself to paint in an impressionist style, and Kathryn encouraged me to paint the Northern Lights.  As their wedding gift, I am playing “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” on the violin and then unveiling this painting. I am looking forward to getting together with this crew tomorrow morning for our first briefing on the new assignment.  While not a crew of traditional taste, the people promise to pose an interesting dynamic for my first real venture into command.  Serving under Kathryn Janeway with me are several returning crew members from the Enterprise and a few from Voyager as well: Communications Officer Seven of Nine, Security Chief Tasha Yar, Chief Engineers Miles O’Brien and B’Elanna Torres, Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher, Ensign Tom Paris on the helm, and Ensign Ro Laren at the conn.  While we are unsure of our need for one, we also have a ship’s counselor on this voyage: Patrick TusNua.  His new last name is Gaelic for “New Beginning.”  I cannot think of a more fitting way to begin his journey.

Data finishes his last brush stroke and hangs the painting on the highest point in his room.  He eyes Spot, who is licking his paws.

Data: (picking up Spot) This is up.  Up is no.  (Spot struggles, so Data lets him go.)  Bev: Dr. Crusher to Data. Data: Proceed, Doctor. Bev: Data, could you come to my quarters right away?  I need your help with something. Data: On my way, Doctor. Bev: Data? Data: Yes? Bev: Would you bring your violin? Data: Of course.  Data out.

Bev and KJ’s quarters.  Bev is sitting on the ground, rocking back and forth in an attempt to calm herself down.  Data enters.

Data: Doctor, would you like me to help you up? Bev: No, Data.  Would you come sit with me? (Data sits down, laying his violin at his side.  Bev takes a deep breath.) What if she says no? Data: (confusion) Kathryn loves you.   Bev: Yes, but what if she doesn’t want to be with me in that way?  She’s going to be the Captain, after all.  She shouldn’t be compromised by her feelings toward her crew, especially if one is her wife. Data: Most species are compromised by feelings toward their loved ones.  Humans especially, in my experience.  Also, I believe she understands the risks she would be taking.  If she did not understand that risk, she would not have accepted the command. Bev: What if I’m too old for her? Data: (moving his head in a Data way) She has made absolutely no remarks to me about your age, and you have not told me of her mentioning your age at any point in your relationship. Bev: I know she hasn’t mentioned it, but it’s 12 years.  That’s significant. Data: It is only significant if you require it to be.  Beverly, Kathryn loves you for who you are: age, Wesley, depression, dead husband, and all.  I do not know if she will say yes, but it is highly probable that she will respond in the affirmative based on her past behavior patterns.  Now, why did you ask me to bring my violin?

Bev has laid out a trail of rose petals to the bedroom, where she is sitting in the center of a heart made of fresh-cut roses with the ring next to her.  Data is standing in the corner, tuning his violin.  KJ is walking down the hall and sees a padd on the ground outside the door to her quarters.  It says, “Ring the doorbell first.”  She shrugs and rings the doorbell. A few seconds later, the door opens to Data’s playing, accompanied by the computer’s piano, trombone, and saxophone trio: “Can’t Help Falling in Love” by Elvis Presley.  KJ follows the trail of rose petals to Bev.  She kneels down with her.

Bev: Kate, I’ve tried to plan out this speech.  I’ve tried to quantify in words how much I love you.  I’ve tried to make this some inspiring, sweeping declaration and it never comes out the way I want it to.  But, I’m 51 years old, and I am lucky enough to have found a woman better than my wildest dreams.  We...fit.  And I don’t want to spend another day of my life without you by my side.  (pulling out the ring) Your mom gave me your father’s ring and her blessing.  I had it sized for your (teasing) tiny fingers, and I put your birthstone in it. KJ: (wiping a tear away) It’s perfect. Bev: Will you marry me, Kathryn O’Dell Janeway? KJ: (nodding, putting the ring on) Yes, of course I will. (Kiss) Thank you, Data. Data: You are welcome.  I will leave now to allow for you to have time alone.  Congratulations.

The Promenade: Miles, Molly, and Keiko, DeAnna, Alexander, and Worf, Tom and B’Elanna, Tasha, Ro, GJ, Wesley, Patrick, Seven, and Data are waiting impatiently.

Miles: Data, when are we starting, again? Data: 2100 hours, Chief.  We have two minutes. Miles: Shouldn’t we be hiding, then? Ro: Don’t be an idiot, Miles.  It isn’t like she doesn’t know it’s coming. GJ: As her mother, I honestly don’t think she does. Tasha: I agree.  She knows most of us are on board, but in her mind, we’re here to be briefed on our mission and to disembark next week. Miles: If we’re going to hide, we need to do it now. Ro: I’m not hiding. Alexander: Come on, Ro.  Please? Ro: It’s something one would do for a child! Alexander: So, do it for me? Ro: (taking a second to ponder.  Since she has a soft spot for Alexander) Okay.  Let’s hide!

A fair amount of commotion as they all try to hide behind various furniture.  Since it’s the Promenade, there’s not much to hide behind.  Worf comically stands directly behind a fichus that does not remotely hide him.  As Ro and Alexander crouch down behind the jumja stick cart, they run into Tasha, who has curled up inside the cart and looks extremely uncomfortable.  Wesley crouches behind a chair, and Seven lays down flat behind a very long ottoman.  A door opens, and Bev and KJ are holding hands, KJ clearly not expecting the lights to be off. 

KJ:...The hell? Computer, lights! Everyone: Surprise! 

Tasha tries to pop out of the jumja stick cart and ends up tipping it over in the process.  It lands with a big crash. Worf knocks over the fichus, and dirt flies everywhere.  Seven sits up suddenly, and she knocks her head on the edge of the ottoman.  KJ laughs a bit too hard at all the ridiculousness, and Bev runs to Tasha to make sure she’s ok.  Since Wesley is closest to Seven, he springs up to help her.  GJ, also laughing far too hard, goes over to her daughter.

GJ: Congratulations, Katie.  Your friends/crew love you so much that they decided to injure themselves in an attempt to surprise you. KJ: I’d have it no other way.

Tasha is ok, but definitely has a concussion.  She and Seven go to Sick Bay for a quick healing and then return to the party.

[amilynh]

teddythecat1234 replied to your post: For the reader's ask: How did you find your first...

I’m not into Star Trek anymore either. I used to be into TNG when I was young and I stuck with it through DS9 (which I never enjoyed as much) and Voyager (which I liked much better), but Captain Picard will always be MY Captain and the Enterprise D is MY space ship. I never got into any of the later spinoffs.

I have seen all 78 eps of TOS, I saw all the movies up through First Contact (after the hand-off), and my friends and I even got all gussied up like we were going to the formal opera, and we called our opening-night First Contact even "Prom Trek" since none of us had gone to prom (NO regrets: we gave ZERO fucks), and so we made our own prom circa age 26-28 doing something we loved.

I watched TNG S1-S5, and then probably saw half of S6, and really not much afterwards, though I tuned in for the final ep (and was DEEPLY disappointed). My true love there was Beverly. (Ah, Gates McFadden, one of the three main people responsible for the realization of SO MANY of my generation's fans of, "Oh...I'm a *LESBIAN*!!" ...the others are Gillian Anderson and Linda Hamilton.).

I have heard SUCH good things about DS9, but I was at uni at the time, and it was one at, like, 3:30 on Saturday afternoons...and it would break up the day, and I'd forget...it was so inconvenient and non-intuitive that I never remembered to watch it, so I've only seen a smattering of eps (including OF COURSE the Mirror episodes...SO GOOD!). I wanted to like it, but timing worked against me.

I watched and LOOOOVED Voyager. I shipped Captn Katie and Chakotay SO hard..."Resolutions" OMG OMG. I was TRULY hopeful that they would address Captn Katie's escalating instability and risk-taking. And I was even MORE hopeful when they did the ep where she locked herself in her cabin for 3 months. I wanted to see them ADDRESS her severe depression and loss of sense of self when separated from the structure of Starfleet that she was so committed to and dependent on. I wanted to see the Doc relieve her of command in order to address and TREAT her depression...to acknowledge that she needed HELP rather than enabling her and ignoring it. But...they skirted that, as they skirted EVERYTHING they built up.

I hate Brannon Braga with the fiery passion of 10,000 suns. I mean, when he was asked, in S1, how they were going to handle when Tuvok inevitably went into Pon Farr, and THAT ASSHAT was like, "What? Pon what? ...OH! Oh, but that's from the OLD show and this is a different show, so that doesn't apply." WTF YOU ASSHOLE OMG YOU'RE PART OF A WIDER CONTINUITY....AAAARRRFGGHGGHH!!! And...then they DID do ...something with it...and it fell TOTALLY flat for me.

I watched S1-S5 (again), and I WANTED to like "The Year of Hell," but it just didn't LAND for me Because Reset. I LOVED the episode where it turned out that Barclay was able to communicate with them...that slender connection to their home...that was VERY cool. And I LIKED Seven...but I didn't like that stupid catsuit...nor did I like that it became the Seven Of Nine Show.

I loved B'Lanna and Tom. I loved how they DID handle HER response to the obliteration of the Maquis and addressed that she was deliberately engaging in dangerous behaviors. I just wish they'd ALSO done that with Captn Katie; she was ENDANGERING THE WHOLE SHIP. I did appreciate that they revisited the concept, but with another character.

A friend had the headcanon (which is really just logic) that the Delaney twins from Stellar Cartography could almost NEVER rest because, typically, on a small ship working in well-travelled areas, just how much does Stellar Cartography DO? ....And then suddenly they're in a TOTALLY UNMAPPED AREA...and they need to recruit DOZENS to help them do all the mapping of this entirely un-documented area...but there are only 120-140 PEOPLE on board...so they must have never slept.

I think they should NEVER EVER let Chakotay fly the shuttles; they couldn't REPLACE them...and he kept crashing or damaging them or (check out the Coffee Nebula) just, you know, ACCIDENTALLY LEAVING SHUTTLECRAFT BEHIND by flying down to the planet and then BEAMING BACK UP.

I missed it when they stopped emphasizing that there was a SHORTAGE of resources. When Janeway couldn't have her coffee? SO awesome. When Neelix was cooking weird variations of the same thing? SO GOOD. I missed that as they forgot that resources were limited and caution was SUPER necessary.

I watched the series finale and was like...Chakotay and SEVEN??? WTF??? And I wanted not to see it END with them returning...I wanted to see the conflict of "Now we're FINALLY back to Starfleet YAY!" ...and the realization that, after HAVING to function independently for so long, finding it VERY difficult to fit into the demands of a command structure again. I wanted to see the reaction to how things had changed in the Alpha Quadrant...the Maquis adjusting to the annihilation of the Maquis...SO many missed opportunities.

I tried to watch Enterprise. I tried. I mean...Scott Bakula. Hoshi. COOL stuff. And yet, they managed to make SCOTT BAKULA--a man who could make the cut of a dress look GOOD and who could sing, dance, play piano, play football...do ANYTHING (see: Quantum Leap) while seeming personable and likeable...they managed to make him BORING. WTF???? I thought Enterprise was a boringly hot mess...but their Mirror episodes were good. I mean...EMPRESS HOSHI? YES, PLEASE. And the ep where T'Pol told the story of her grandmother who got trapped on earth and "invented" velcro so that she could sell the patent and get money for the family who helped her (I call it the T'Nana episode because it was T'Pol's Nana, yo)...I liked that...but I liked the novel "Strangers from the Sky" better....and it's the same plot.

And since then, and especially with the reboot...I just have walked away; I've DONE my time with Trek. I am no longer enamoured, and yet I still appreciate it.

I REALLY love, even now, some of my favorite Pocket Books novels (from before Pocket made the rules so rigid that the novels were no longer just authorized fanfic). My FAVE ones are "The Entropy Effect," "Ishmael" (Barbara Hambly steathily got them to PUBLISH a Star Trek/Here Come the Brides crossover!!!! With Doctor Who jokes! And there's TIME TRAVEL!), and Jean Lorrah's PUBLISHED Sarek and Amanda novels (which ENTIRELY have the backstory that is from her zines that were my first serious fanfic knowing it was fanfic).

I'm forever grateful that Trek fandom was large enough and FINDABLE enough that it gave me the "in" that I needed, back when there was no internet, to FIND fandom, then to follow the bread crumb trails to the fans of OTHER shows I also loved.