#and when i say ‘just’ i mean like not even a full goddamn week ago

[experiencingpenguinshockey]

i JUST got invested in beauvillier and they trade him to CHICAGO??????

[thebibliosphere]

Hey! I know that this isn't something you struggle with but since a lot of your other followers are disabled as well, it would mean a lot to me if you could publish this ask since I'd like to see if anyone else experiences anything similar to what I'm going through. I'm not asking for anyone to armchair diagnose me, I'd just appreciate not feeling so alone and scared and confused. My general physician is claiming that my anxiety is causing the issues I'll describe but I call bullshit on that:

About two years ago, cca 4 months after my top surgery, my body stopped being able to process oil. Whenever I'd eat anything that was made with oil of any kind, I'd get cramps in the abdomen after a while and I'd get diarrhea. Caffeine started to do this also but in a smaller intensity. I had a hysterectomy a bit after that and they checked my kidneys and liver so I know that those are both ok and not the cause. I also got checked for Celiac since it runs in the family. Because the issue wasn't getting worse and my then general physician was always dismissive, I let it be. When I wasn't having diarrhea, I was constipated, though I did have a bowel movement like once or twice a week. Fast forward to now. In August, it suddenly got a lot worse. At first, even a single drop of oil would make me feel ill. Then, the time period got longer - currently the cramps and the pain last for 48 hours afterwards. I also became unable to digest animal fats, the only meat I can eat is lean chicken and fish. Afterwards, gluten became an issue (Celiac is still negative), and then nuts as well.

My new GP, even though she believes it to be anxiety, gave me Itopride, and it worked for about 3 weeks - I had no cramps, pain, exhaustion, gas or bloating after eating, and I had a bowel movement once a day. But it stopped working two days ago, again without a reason, and the effects started being less effective about a week ago. Even when taking the meds, I have a movement only once in about 8 days, and laxatives make me gassy but nothing happens. I'm also not sure about this, but it seems that chicken is no longer safe either.

I think it's important that if I don't take Itopride, I never even feel the urge to go, so when I say that I've always been constipated, I mean that I don't even feel the need to have a movement. Lately, when I take Itopride, I do get the urge that I do always get when taking it, but it's like I can't go, so I always feel full.

I just feel super scared and I have no idea what's going on. I admit that I have a history of eating disorders (in recovery since May) and I did abuse laxatives about a year ago, but I don't think it was enough to cause such serious issues? I used to take them like once a week and for about 3-4 months.

I'd really appreciate knowing if anyone has ever experienced anything similar or knows about anything like this because I feel like my life is in shambles - can't go outside for long because I might need the toilet suddenly, or I'm in too much pain to walk, I'm afraid to eat, I often feel repulsive, I don't know what might happen in a month, I am becoming incapable of taking care of myself and my flat because I'm just so goddamn tired.

Ooft, I’m sorry. It sounds like you’ll need a colonoscopy to figure this one out, so if you haven’t had one yet, really push for a referral.

Fwiw, I do experience something like this, but it’s from mast cell inflammation in my GI tract. The doc prescribed me bentyl for when things flare up but I’m also on a fiber supplement (citrucel. It’s a lot gentler than other types) to try and keep that from happening. Also if you’re low on b vitamins, your stomach sometimes stops digesting food, so maybe also ask about getting your levels checked. Taking an additional b2 supplement means I can process fats and oils again which I couldn’t before.

I’m not saying this to be like “this is what you have” just throwing them out there as suggestions that might help you piece together what might be wrong.

I hope you get more helpful comments in the notes 💖

[flowerfan2]

Steve falls hard, is the thing.  At least, he does this time.  He knows it’s crazy, that Eddie has only been out of the hospital for a few weeks, that Steve has only really known him for a few days more than that. But he knows more than most people that life is full of cliffs and dangers and if there’s happiness to be had, he’s ready to take it.

It happens so quickly that he speeds right past any potential sexuality crisis, doesn’t pass go, just realizes one evening while he’s tucking a blanket around Eddie’s feet when he dozes off on the couch that he’s in love.   He knows it’s real, because Eddie’s feet are frankly stinky since it’s still hard for him to get around, and yet Steve’s content to curl up with Eddie’s feet in his lap and make sure they stay toasty warm.

He tells Robin that night, and once she’s finished swatting him with a nearby magazine and then hugging him until his ribs squeak, she asks him what he’s going to do about it.  “Tell him,” Steve answers, and Robin stares at him as if he’s grown two heads (he hasn’t, he checked).  “Just like that?” she asks, eyes wide.

“Know any good reason to wait?” Steve asks, and when Robin shakes her head no, he smiles.

The next day Steve puts on a clean pair of khakis and his favorite striped polo.  He ever so briefly considers wearing something not so preppy, but he doesn’t think Eddie would appreciate anything less than the truth.  The real Steve, polo shirts and all.  Begin as you mean to continue, and all that.

When he arrives at the trailer the next day (yes, that same goddamned trailer, flimsy and broken but in somewhat better shape than it was a few weeks ago), Steve takes a deep breath and knocks on the door, then remembers he’s supposed to use his key so that Eddie doesn’t have to get up off the couch too often.  He juggles the grocery bag in his arms and finds the key, glad to see when he gets the door open that Eddie hasn’t been disturbed.  In fact, it looks like he’s fast asleep.

Steve puts the groceries away and settles at the end of the couch like he always does, pulling Eddie’s feet onto his lap, and paging through a comic book.  A little while later Eddie stirs, blinking his eyes open and smiling at Steve.

They decide to watch a movie, but after a few minutes Eddie complains that his neck hurts from lying in the same position all day.  Steve helps him switch around so that his head is at the other end of the couch, and Eddie continues to gripe, but he’s smiling the whole time.  Steve can tell he likes the attention, likes when Steve slides an arm around his back and gently rearranges his limbs.  Steve likes it too.

Steve fetches some snacks from the kitchen and returns to find Eddie shuffling himself around again, claiming that the new position isn’t working either.  Soon they’re sitting next to each other, legs stretched out on a pillow on the coffee table, the television directly in front of them.  Steve is getting a suspicious feeling about the whole thing, and it only intensifies when Eddie gives a little sigh and rests his head on Steve’s shoulder.  “Thanks,” Eddie says softly.  “This is perfect.”

Steve’s not sure how much time goes by – time is weird when you’re practically holding your breath – but when he tilts his head to look at Eddie, Eddie’s looking right at him.  

“Eds?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m falling for you, you know.”

Eddie bites his lip and smiles, his nose crinkling adorably.  “Yeah, I figured.”  He turns back to the television and snuggles in closer against Steve’s side.  “It’s good, ‘cause, you know.  Me too.”

______

You can read all of my Steddie ficlets in one place on A03 here.

[jessicaloons]

Chapter 46:

You play stupid Games, You win stupid Prizes

Masterlist - Previous - Next

"Did you read that?" Charles asked and I looked at his phone.

"He's still gambling? He should just take that Williams seat and this whole mess is over... but no, he and his father are still talking about my goddamn seat like it's vacant!" I rolled my eyes and Charles chuckled a little.

"I can't wait for you to step out in your race suit, Doetterer 2027 on your back, right in his face that your seat is taken for the next 3 years." he sat down on the edge of the bed, and I sat up.

"I honestly don't care about him or his father... I just want to have a good weekend, perform well here at home. I want to make Germany proud. It's been a long time since a German driver won the German GP..." I sighed a little.

"Was Seb the last winner?"

"No, that was Nico in 2014. 10 years ago. Seb wasn't that lucky with Ferrari at the German grand prixs..."

"Oh yeah, true... but this year a German driver from a German team will win." Charles sounded determined and I smiled at him "I have a feeling."

"Yeah? Then let's hope you're feeling is right." I kissed his cheek and got up "And now let's go. I'm hungry." I put on Charles hoodie and we went downstairs, a loud hustling and bustling already awaiting us. Mum, Pascale and Sissy made breakfast, while Dad, Arthur and Daniel, sat at the table talking away. Benji and Liam sat on the floor playing with Arlo.

"Good morning sleeping beauty 1 and sleeping beauty 2."

Daniel was the first noticing us, right as Arlo turned around, over excitedly wagging his tail.

"Morning." I bent down, ruffling Liam and Benji's hair before I scratched Arlos head

"Sit down, sit down, breakfast will be ready any minute." Mum said from the kitchen and I plopped down next to Arthur.

"I guess you've seen the latest chapter in the never-ending Sainz to Audi saga?" Dad asked and I sighed a little.

"This weekend it will be over. He can watch Lizzie walk out in her race suit, announcing her contract renewal, Audi will put out the statement and he has to say yes to Williams, if he doesn't want to be seatless next season." Charles said and Dad nodded.

"I honestly don't get what Carlos problem was with you, Lizzie? Like seriously? He was a funny bloke, one of the guys? Nice one. But you and him? That just didn't work out." Daniel said and I shrugged my shoulders.

"He didn't like that Lizzie was better than him." Charles stated simply but I shook my head

"No, I think it all started when I was speaking out against Ferrari, mostly Mattia's way of handling you guys. And that I openly said that you are the better driver and fight for the championship and your team should fully support you. I think that was what made him furious... and from then on... well we all saw what happened."

"Yeah but everything you said was true!" Arthur said and Daniel nodded slightly.

"He's playing a dangerous game though, publicly talking about the Audi seat, not even mentioning the interest of the other teams? Basically saying he only waits for the right offer from Audi? He'll end up with no seat for next year."

"Is it a dangerous game or just a stupid game?" Charles shrugged his shoulders.

"I guess we'll see..."

"Nervous?" Elijah asked and I hesitated for a moment.

"I honestly don't know. I mean, it's Hockenheim, I know this track better than any other track. I raced there so often, I tested for Audi there so many hours, that would fill 10 full races. I raced here in F3, F2. The WSeries. Not to mention all the times I tested various cars there... but this time I race here in Formula 1? My dream comes to life... so yeah, sure I'm kinda nervous because I want to win this race and put myself under a lot of pressure. But I'm also super excited, because it's my home race that I race in freaking Formula 1." I replied, watching Dad joke with Charles, Daniel and Lorenzo.

"And today you're kicking off the race week with a nice family barbecue?"

"Yeah kinda, it's been a long time that we've all been here together. And now we added Daniel to the family, which means it's getting even louder around here." I joked right when said driver joined us at the table.

"I heard my name from my little sister?" he wiggled his eyebrows, pinching my side and I rolled my eyes laughing.

"I just said the neighbours will complain now that we added you to the family and our little backyard hangouts will be way louder than before." I chuckled and he nodded.

"Big possibility, not gonna lie."

"They survived all of you screaming and shouting after the world cup final 2014... I guess they can handle Daniel." Mum laughed and put down a salad bowl.

"Oh come on! We just won the title! Of course we freaked out a little bit!" Dad said from the barbecue and I nodded.

"A little bit? You and Hervé had fireworks! Fireworks! In July! In Germany!" Mum said and I laughed, thinking back to that day.

"It was an amazing evening! Come on!" Charles threw in, as he sat down next to me.

"Two semi-drunk men handling firework, they probably purchased illegally, in a backyard full of people and flammable things?" Pascale looked at him pointedly.

"We were careful!" Dad stated.

"Oh yeah? You two lit up one of these stick things and then, while it was already burning you read on it that you're not supposed to hold it in your hands but stick it in the ground!"

"Well... that was unfortunate. But nothing happened! We just shot these sparkly fireballs at each other." Dad shrugged.

"Seems like you guys had some good times together in the past?" Elijah smiled and I nodded.

"The best! Dad and Hervé always came up with the craziest, most random things out of the blue." I laughed and squeezed Charles hand under the table.

"They said they were brothers from another mother." he said and Pascale nodded.

"Yeah. Both grown ups with the mind of two little boys sometimes."

"Not gonna argue with that." Dad mumbled and we laughed.

"Good old times." Lorenzo said and I nodded.

"Yeah. Good old times indeed."

The moment we arrived at the Hockenheimring my mind was blown. A sea of German flags were waved everywhere. For the first time ever there where more fans waiting for me than for Charles. I was overwhelmed with the amount of people chanting my name.

"Look how they love you." Charles said, opening the door and I got out of the car.

"This is crazy!" I mumbled.

"No, its not. It's what you deserve! You deserve to be here, now and forever. This is your home. These are your people.

And look at how much they love you." he took my hand and pulled me towards the fence "Come on. They're all waiting for you, cara mia!"

I didn't know where to start, who to look at first, the amount of people cheering me on was overwhelming. I took more selfies than at all races combined before as it felt, signed team kits, flags, poster, caps and what not. My wrists were full of new bracelets, hands full of gifts.

"Thank you so much!" I hugged the girl who handed me a scratch book, after explaining to me that’s it’s a book with fan letters from girls around the world, thanking me for being their role model and writing how me being in F1 changed their life’s "This means so much to me! What’s your insta name! I want to post it and tag you! I mean if that’s okay for you?"

"Yes! Of course! I made it together with my best friend, she can’t be here unfortunately." the girl replied, typing down her Instagram name in my phone "We both hope that you’re winning this weekend! And if not you, then Charles!"

"I will try my very best!" I chuckled and took back my phone, when Charles tapped my shoulder "Thanks again for the book!"

I waved one last time to the crowd and then followed Charles to the gates, the book pressed tightly to my chest.

"Cara mia." Charles nodded towards a little girl, covered in Audi merch, hiding behind her father's legs.

I handed Charles the book and several other gifts and slowly walked towards the father daughter duo.

"Hi." I smiled at her and she gripped her dad's leg tighter.

"Maddie, come on, say hi to Lizzie." he cooed and the little girl, Maddie, carefully stepped around his legs. I immediately kneeled down, smiling at her.

"Hi Maddie, my name is Lizzie." I said, stretching out my hand and she hesitantly shook it.

"I know who you are." she said quietly "I'm a huge fan."

"Thank you, that really means a lot." I smiled.

"Maddie started karting 2 years ago after she saw you debut in F1." her dad said, and I looked up at him "She said if you can make it into F1 with only men, she can start karting with the boys."

"And you are absolutely right! Just because you're the only girl doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it! When I started karting, I also was the only girl, for a really long time actually, but it never stopped me."

"And now you're in Formula 1." she said.

"And now I'm in Formula 1."

"I think you will win this weekend, or at least I hope so."

"I will try my very best." I smiled and Maddie poked her dad's leg.

"Oh yeah, umm- can I take a picture of you two?" he asked and I nodded

"Of course." I smiled waving the girl over.

"Can you sign my cap as well?" she asked as soon as her dad gave us the thumbs up.

"Sure." I took the sharpie from her dad's hand and signed the cap "Here, all done."

"Thank you! And good luck this weekend!" she smiled and I nodded.

"Can I get a good luck hug?" I asked and she nodded excitedly and hugged me "Thank you." I got up and waved her and her dad goodbye when Charles lead me away, towards the hospitalities.

"You're so loved here, I honestly wished it was like this everywhere..." he said and I nodded a little.

"Yeah, it's really a total new feeling."

"You deserve it." he kissed my cheek and we stopped in front of the Audi hospitality "See you later? I'll pick you up and we can go together to the press conference."

"Alright." I took my gifts from him and kissed him goodbye, then walked inside where Julie was waiting for me.

"The crowd loves you!" she smiled and I put down the gifts.

"They really do, I have a feeling that this weekend we'll shoot something special." Elijah said and I flinched a little.

"I completely forgot about you." I mumbled and he laughed.

"We stayed behind, just filmed you without you even knowing we were there."

"Can you do that the whole weekend like that?" I asked and Julie laughed.

"That’s our plan. You’ll not even know that we’re here." he said and I sighed a little.

"Well, yeah, let's hope so."

"Welcome to round 13 here at Hockenheim, home gp of two of our drivers and teams. Today we're having hometown hero's Lizzie Doetterer, Audi and Nico Hülkenberg, Haas, with us, as well as Charles Leclerc, Scuderia Ferrari, Max Verstappen, Red Bull Racing and Daniel Ricciardo, Racing Bulls. I start with you Lizzie. First time racing in F1 on home turf, how are you feeling?" Tom Clarkson started the press conference, and I took the microphone.

"I'm excited, nervous, overwhelmed, yeah too much to put into words. When I was younger I watched some of the best drivers race this track and dreamed that one day I would be one of them and here I am." I answered and Charles next to me smiled.

"How does it feel, seeing all those German flags being waved, all those people in Audi merch?"

"It's just amazing. I never felt this much support ever before and it makes me more than excited to finally race here."

"You always said that Hockenheim is the track you know the best, the track you race better than any other track. Do you think it gives you a little advantage, that you know this track so well, raced here more often then most other drivers on the grid?"

"It's no disadvantage, that's for sure, but honestly, on other tracks I only raced once before I had to do it in F1, on others I've never raced before. It's like this in F1 sometimes. And nowadays with the simulators you can race as often as you want on every track, so yeah."

"Alright, let's continue with you Nico, another hometown hero." Clarkson looked at Nico and began his interview with him, then continued with Max, Daniel and lastly Charles.

"Charles, you said that Lizzie will make a big step forwards this weekend and will be one of the main threats."

"I've seen her progress over the last races, she was always close to the win, collected podium after podium, and now we're here at Hockenheim, the track she can race blindly... which she did, by the way, and Audi brought a new set of updates? Yeah, she definitely will be one of the main threats this weekend."

"You raced here with a blindfold?" Max asked me and I laughed.

"No! It was only in the simulator, a couple of years ago!" I replied and he laughed.

"And? Did you make it?"

"She did, she was only 3 seconds slower than me." Charles answered and Max looked impressed.

"Not bad."

"Alright. Let's open this up to questions from the floor. As always, please state your name and publication first." Clarkson looked into the crowd of reporters and picked the first question.

Most of the first ones were for Nico and me, how we felt about finally racing back in Germany. If Hockenheim should be permanently on the race calendar. Then the questions switched to Max and Charles and their close battle for the championship.

"Question for Lizzie. You brought a whole set of updates, how do you think they will be working?"

"Well the weather got a bit in our way to fully say how they will work out with heavy rains on the forecast for the whole weekend. So we will have to wait what we can do under this rough conditions." I say honestly.

"But you're usually really good in the rain and love a rough track?" he countered and I laughed.

"Well, yeah, but I’m usually liking it not that rough." I answered.

"News to me." Charles mumbled, not directly into his microphone, but still loud enough to get caught and the silence was loud in the room.

I looked at him with wide eyes and he sat there, petrified. The shock what he just had said evident on his face.

"So a freak in the streets and a freak in the sheets. Lucky you, Charles" Daniel laughed and I blushed.

The whole room erupted in laughter and Charles just facepalmed and mouthed a 'sorry' to me. I silently prayed for Clarkson to end the press conference and when he did I was the first one to leave, taking a deep breath as soon as I was outside.

"I’m so, so sorry, cara mia! I swear I didn’t expect the microphone to catch that." Charles followed me and held me by the waist, looking at me "It was more a joke to myself and… god I’m so sorry."

"You‘re not… you‘re grinning!" I pushed him off and he chuckled.

"Because it was kinda funny! Freaking embarrassing, but funny!" Charles pouted a little and I rolled my eyes.

"Everyone laughed and had a blast, come on mate." Max laughed, appearing right behind Charles and I glared at him "Okay. Sorry. I’m scared of your girl…" he then whispered to Charles.

"Kids, kids! Come on. It was a joke, we all laughed. Nothing bad happened." Daniel said and Charles nudged my shoulder a little "Well, nothing bad happened yet… if I’d be you, Charlie boy, I’d be scared to walk back to the paddock, where Pops will wait…"

"What?" Charles stopped grinning in an instant and swallowed hard.

"What you said? About his perfect, little girl? His princess? I wouldn’t want to be in your skin." Daniel walked off with a satisfied smile on his lips and Charles looked at me.

"Pops will laugh about it, right? He knows it was a joke?"

"I don’t know… not so sure…" now I chuckled and grabbed his hand "Come on, let’s see."

"Lizzie!" he whined and I laughed even louder.

"Oh come on, it was just a joke, you said it yourself…" I pulled him with me and as soon as we spotted Dad sitting outside the Audi hospitality, playing with Arlo, Charles slowed down.

"Look who’s there!" Dad unbuckled the leash from Arlo’s harness and he bolted off, straight into us and I bent down, scratching his ears.

"Hello my good boy. Did you play with Pops a little?" I cooed and followed him back to where Dad was sitting, Charles staying a little behind.

"So, how is it being here?" Dad asked me and I sat down, shrugging my shoulders.

"It’s normal, I guess?" I said, watching Charles take a tentative step towards us, still looking at Dad.

"Pete is confident that the upgrades will work out."

"Yeah, they all are, I guess we have to wait and see, no?" I picked up Arlo, sitting him down in my lap, when Dad turned to Charles.

"And what about you?"

"Me?" Charles asked nervously.

"Yeah, your car was lacking straight line speed in Silverstone? Did you fix that problem?"

"Oh… umm yeah, yeah, the team is confident that they fixed this issue." he sounded slightly relieved, letting out a deep breath, sitting down next to me, still a little fidgety.

"You okay there, Charles? Rough night?" Dad asked and Charles eyes widened.

"It was a joke! A stupid joke! I’m so, so sorry!" he blurted out and Dad bursted out laughing.

"Boy, I never saw you sweating like that." he shook his head, still laughing.

"I’m really sorry." Charles mumbled and Dad got up, patting his shoulder.

"It’s alright, Charlie boy." he said and walked inside.

"Why do I feel like he’s secretly planning something?" Charles mumbled and I shrugged.

"Because he probably is…"

"Very comforting, thank you."

"Always."

Another day, another sea of German flags, Audi shirts and caps and poster of me were greeting us when we stepped out of the car and I couldn't stop the big grin forming on my lips. I zipped my jacket close and put the hood on, trying to stay dry.

"Excited?" Charles asked and I nodded.

"I think I was never this excited for FP1 ever before.. " I laughed and he pulled me to his side, kissing my temple.

"Same, same." he chuckled, dropping me off at my hospitality "Have a good session."

"You too." I smiled, climbing up the stairs.

"Lizzie?" Julie held the door open for me and I walked inside, the whole team standing around a table and I followed her inside.

"What's going on?" I asked when Pete and Valtteri stepped aside, revealing a cake.

In big red letters DOETTERER 2027 carefully piped on.

"Congrats on your contract renewal!" Valtteri said and I hugged him.

"Thank you, Valtteri! But where are you going? I mean... with Nico coming?" I whispered.

"It's all good, little one. I talked to Felix the moment I got a new offer, that’s when he contacted Nico…" he said and I looked at him "I’m going back to Mercedes, for one year and then it’s time to retire."

"Wait… what?"

"Toto called me as soon as Lewis told him. With Kimi Antonelli Mercedes has a good driver for the future, but he needs more experience, 2025 is too early for him, so I’ll take over for one year."

"But why retire? You still have some good years ahead of you!"

"Because it’s time. One day, you just feel it." he nudged my shoulder a little and smiled "And now come on… let’s have a piece of cake and then go into the car!"

"Okay…" I nodded slowly and stepped closer to the table.

"Speech! Speech! Speech!" Matt and some of my mechanics began to chant and I chuckled, shaking my head.

"Okay, okay, okay! Honestly I don’t have much to say, just that I’m grateful for every single one of you! You are the best team I could’ve ever ended up in. You always believe in me and have my back, support me no matter what. Today we celebrate us, this team. Thank you guys!" I said, smiling at my team and Felix pulled me close to his side.

"Alright everyone! Let’s have some cake!" he said and then turned to me "And then get out there and have some fun."

I sat on the sofa, mindlessly scratching Arlo’s head in my lap, not listening to the conversations around me.

"Cara mia?" Charles squeezed my thigh and I looked up from my lap "Come on, eat something."

"I’m not hungry." I mumbled, looking back down.

"Hey, look at me." he scooted closer, gently grabbing my chin, turning my head "It wasn’t your fault… you couldn’t do anything. You were amazing in FP1, okay? We all saw how good you were! And what happened in FP2? It was out of your hands, until the crash you were the fastest on mediums! No one could match your pace, not even on softs!"

"Yeah but I crashed out, Charles!" I groaned and he sighed.

"No you didn’t! Logan crashed out and took you out as well an-…"

"I could’ve reacted quicker! Go around him, just do something to avoid the crash!" I interrupted him.

"No, no you could not, okay? Stop bashing yourself. It’s not your fault, end of the story." Charles looked at me pointedly and after a moment I sighed and nodded a little "Now, would you please eat something?"

"Yeah…" I sat Arlo down next to me and grabbed my fork.

"Thank you." Charles kissed my cheek and I took a bite of my salad.

"Tomorrow’s a new day, don’t beat yourself up too much." Dad said and I nodded again.

"I just wanted this to be the perfect weekend, you know? No mistakes. Good results. So that when the contract renewal is announced on Sunday no one doubts it…" I sighed.

"And you still can do it! Today was unfortunate, but it wasn’t your fault! Tomorrow you’ll come back stronger." Charles looked at me determined.

"I hope you’re right…"

"I am. You’ll see…"

Pole position. Freaking pole position. I cheered into the radio. Not understanding what Pete said for the first few seconds.

"You did it, little one! P fucking 1! Wooohooo! We’re all so proud of you!" his voice rang in my ears and I laughed.

"Let’s fucking go, guys! The car was on fire!"

"It really was!"

"Where’s Charles? Valtteri?" I asked, hoping to hear some good results.

"P2 and P4. Amazing job from you guys!"

I parked my car in the P1 spot and jumped out, running towards my team, celebrating our first pole in a while.

"Amazing job, little one!" Pete patted my back.

"What a lap!" Felix shouted.

"Thanks guys!" I high fived everyone when a pair of arms engulfed me from behind.

"What an amazing lap, cara mia!" Charles muffled voice behind me.

I turned around and opened my visor, his eyes already on mine. He pulled me towards the tables and I took my helmet off, followed by my balaclava, wiping my face.

"POLE SITTER!" Daniel yelled, storming our way, hugging me tight "Good job, Lizzie!"

"Thanks Danny." I smiled, seeing Pierre making his way to us.

"You so going to win tomorrow!" his first words as soon as he pulled me into a tight embrace.

"Don't jinx it!" I laughed and slapped his arm.

"I don't! It's just an honest opinion!" he chuckled and walked off.

"Lizzie?" an F1 official smiled at me and I nodded, taking the microphone from him.

"Lizzie! Congratulations on your pole! What an amazing qualifying session! Talk us through your pole lap." Nico Rosberg smiled his 10.000 mega watt smile at me and I took a deep breath, seeing all the Germany flags being waved behind him in the grandstand.

"Honestly, I just pushed, pushed, pushed. I knew that the rain would come any minute back and thought to myself that I just have to go full throttle. And it worked out perfectly."

"That it did. What do you think is possible in the race, can you win tomorrow, as the first German driver in a long time?"

"You mean as the first German driver after your last win here?" I chuckled and he nodded laughing "I think if we can maximise our race pace, have a good and clean start, a lot is possible."

"You're driving with a special livery this weekend, and I noticed a very interesting detail on your car and helmet..." Nico pointed at the hood of my car and I smiled, looking at the large 7.

"I wanted to pay tribute to not just this amazing track, because it's a shame that we don't have this track in the race calendar every season, but also go a little deeper. Germany and F1 belong together, and that's because of the amazing German F1 driver's of the past, but also the present. After waiting for this race for so long, I wanted to have every single German F1 driver with me, so yeah. I wanted to pay tribute to the guys who represented Germany so well in Formula 1, so yeah there's you, Seb, Timo, Nico but also some less known names, but still important. And of course, the Schumachers. Ralf and Michael, who was my hero growing up and I'm sure of so many others as well, he gave so much to this sport, he’s a legend, and also Mick, who should be driving on this track with me tomorrow, he didn’t get the chance he deserved back in Haas and I hope that changes in the future." I said proudly and Nico nodded.

"What a beautiful gesture. I think I speak for everyone who's on your car and helmet, when I say thank you so much, it means a lot." his voice was wavering a little and I squeezed his arm.

"I hope you like the photo of you that I chose." I laughed, to brighten the mood again and he smiled.

"I have to check it out, but honestly, every photo would be great, just because of the gesture. For now, I wish you all the best and good luck for tomorrow."

"Thanks, Nico." I handed my microphone to Charles who smiled brightly at me, then walked off to Julie, who was already waiting for me.

"Good job, Lizzie." she smiled and I followed her to the media pen "I need to take some pictures of you in your new race suit for tomorrow."

"Okay..." I sighed and she chuckled.

"Just a few quick shots, that's all I need."

"Okay.." I repeated and she playfully rolled her eyes.

"Thank you! And now smile, your on pole for your home race!"

"Yep, that I am." a big smile on my face again, when I read the text from Seb.

I woke up earlier than usually. Got up and took a quick shower, getting ready for the day. Then I waited for Charles to wake up. Breakfast went by in a blur and the drive to the track was even faster. All the fans around cheering for me, wishing me good luck, telling me that I would win, made me smile. I was getting more and more excited and when I walked inside my drivers room and looked at the race suit, the excitement bubbled up even more. The German flag in stripes down the arms and legs, my name on the back as well coloured in the German flag, paired with the 2027. All black. It looked dangerous. Our designer team really did an amazing job.

"Come on, fireproofs on and then let me braid your hair…" Mum smiled at me and I nodded, going on with my usual race day routine "We’re all so proud of you, Lizzie. So incredibly proud! Pole position, new contract, high chances of a win. And that all here at Hockenheim…"

"Oh Mum stop! Don’t cry!" I chuckled and she wiped away a tear, smoothing down my hair, combing through it "It’s a weekend like any other!"

"But it’s not! I’ve never seen so many people supporting you! Screaming your name! Finally you get the recognition you deserve." a soft smile on her lips "It just makes me so happy to see you happy."

"Oh Mum…" I turned around and hugged her.

"Okay, come on now. Silly me. Let’s get you ready and then present that beautiful race suit!" she wiped her tears away and braided my hair.

I checked as always that they weren’t too tight, moved my head around and gave her the thumbs up.

"Alright. I’ll wait outside for you." she kissed my cheek and left.

I turned around, grabbing the suit from the hanger and put it on, leaving the top unzipped pooling around my waist.

"Liz? You decent?" JK knocked at the door and I opened up "Ready for a little warm-up?"

He walked inside, a big grin on his lips, looking at my race suit.

"I'm so freaking excited to see Sainz' face." he laughed, and I chuckled a little.

"I just have to deliver as well... then it's a lethal punch in the guts." I shrugged my shoulders a little and he nodded.

"You'll do great, and now come on, let me get you ready." he clapped his hands, and got up "Okay, first your back and then some agility."

We started the warm-up routine and JK watched me carefully, every little hiss or frown was noted, and the exercise immediately adjusted. After 30 minutes I got up from the mat on the floor and took a big sip from my water bottle.

"I think I can win this today…" I said after a while and JK nodded.

"I think so too. You worked so hard the last weeks. You’ll start from pole. This is your win today." he smiled "And now let’s go, it’s time to show the world who‘s driving for Audi the next 3 seasons to come."

"Who‘s that? Oh right… ME!" I laughed and he chuckled.

"Come on now."

"Aye, aye captain." I saluted and he rolled his eyes, pushing me away gently.

I looked outside, the sky grey, light rain falling.

"Lizzie? It’s time." Pete looked at me and I took a deep breath.

"Alright, let's do this." I took one last sip of water and then turned to Julie, a big smile on her face.

"We'll let you walk out, stand with Nico in front of the entire grid, everyone will see the 2027 and right then I will post the official announcement." she said and I nodded, pulling my race suit up.

"How does it look?" I asked her and she gave me the thumbs up.

"Freaking amazing." Charles said behind me and I turned around "You look gorgeous."

"Oh stop. I'm just wearing a race suit..." I chuckled and he grabbed me by the waist pulling me into him.

"Yeah, I can see that, but it's your smile that's so captivating..." he kissed me, and I heard some of my mechanics hollering "Ready to kick some asses and let some jaws drop to the floor?"

"Hell yes!" I said and he smiled, taking my hand, leading me outside.

The first moments nothing much happened, but with every step I took further down the grid, a murmuring was going around. I saw the cameras filming us, Charles grinned, and some mechanics from other teams pointing at my back. And then I looked up at the big screen, showing my back, flashing the message out for everyone to see and the crowd cheered even louder.

"Seems like the crowd likes it..." Charles nudged me gently and I nodded, looking up at the screen again, where I looked in my face, a big smile on my lips.

"Urgh...stop filming my face." I chuckled and turned slightly, looking for the camera man.

"Stop whining, this is your moment!" Charles whispered and pushed me towards Nico, who already waited for me.

"Ready?" he asked and I nodded, walking in front of the rest of the grid to stand on the marked spot for us.

"It’s so weird… I’m used to stand somewhere behind… not in the middle with all eyes on me, or us…" I mumbled and he chuckled.

"It’s just for the anthem, you will survive." he said, then grinned "Oh, and congrats, team mate." he nudged my shoulder and I chuckled a little.

As soon as we both stood on our designated spots and Nico took off his cap the German national anthem started playing and we both sang along. For the first time today I felt the nervousness overcoming me, felt the tingling in my hands. This was it. This was it. The day I dreamed of for so many years. I would race in Formula 1 at Hockenheim. I saw the marching band preparing for the anthem and closed my eyes, for a moment, soaked it all in. With the beginning of the anthem I opened my eyes, starting to sing along. I never felt this pride in my life and the atmosphere was buzzing.

The next moments all happened in a blur. I walked back to my garage, did some last stretches, looked over the data once more, then it was time. Mum, Dad, Sissy, Liam, Marcus and Benji looked at me. All smiling. All looking proud.

"My sweet girl, we're all so, so proud of you!" Mum hugged me and I smiled

"We had that already today, Mum." I chuckled and she pulled awa, sniffling lightly.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry!" she whispered and managed to smile a little.

"Come here, my little owl." Dad pulled me in another bear hug "Kick their asses, Lizzie. Show them how good you really are." he whispered and I nodded.

"I'll try my best." I whispered back, then he pulled me away and next Sissy, then Marcus hugged me.

"We're proud of you."

"You'll win this."

"Only if my two little lads hug me!" I smiled at my nephews and both hugged me in an instant.

"Good luck, Lizzie!" Benji chirped.

"I know that you'll win!" Liam smiled brightly.

"Thank you guys so much!" I kissed their heads and then waved one last time.

Then I turned around, following JK out on the grid.

"Lizzie! Lizzie!" Martin Brundle caught up to us and I smiled at him "Woman of the hour. Pole setter, contract renewal, maybe race winner?"

"I will try my very best to achieve it." I replied and he smiled.

"3 more years with Audi, what a way to announce it, here, in front of your home crowd."

"They don't say for nothing there's no place like home, you know."

"Very well said. And I'm being honest with you, I'm rooting for you today. No better way to celebrate your contract renewal than with a home race win. Good luck out there!"

"Thanks, Martin!" he squeezed my shoulder and then hurried off, right when we arrived at my car.

"This is it. The moment you've been waiting for." JK smiled and I looked up at the sky for a moment. Watched the clouds brighten up a little.

"This is it. Indeed." I smiled and saw Charles coming over.

"Ready for it?" he smiled.

"Baby, let the race begin."

Charles chuckled and then hugged me one last time, kissing my temple.

"You can do it. We all believe in you. You'll win this race today!" he whispered and I nodded.

"I see you next to me then?"

"Oh hell yes." he nudged my chin gently and then walked back to his car, getting ready himself.

"Liz?"

I turned around, taking my balaclava first and then my helmet from JK, putting both on. Then I climbed in the car, got buckled and strapped in, put my gloves on and waited lastly for my steering wheel. A sense of calmness was washing over me and I felt myself smiling. This was my home. This was my win.

"Ready?" Matt signaled me and I gave him the thumbs up.

"Ready."

I never felt this at one with my car. It was almost like the car and my brain were connected and whatever I thought, the car reacted immediately. I was like in a tunnel, my whole surroundings faded away and it was only me, my car and the track. It felt like I heard Pete for the first time in hours when he told me that I should bring it home.

"Last lap?" I asked, almost flabbergasted.

"Last lap, Lizzie." he radioed back and I couldn't believe it.

"Already?"

"Already.. you were flying." he chuckled.

I breezed past Sachs, into turn 13 and 14, next into turn 15 and lastly into the Südkurve, watching the grandstand, a sea of black, red and yellow. I spotted the checkered flag and it was done. I won. Hockenheim.

"YOU DID IT!" Pete screamed "PHENOMENAL JOB, LIZZIE!"

"I won..." my voice barely a whisper.

"Yes you did! You won!"

"FUCKING HELL I WON!" I yelled.

"We're all so proud of you, little one! Amazing race!"

"Thank you guys so much! This is our win. All the hard work every single one poured into this made us win today!"

"It was you, who won today!" Felix radioed "You drove brilliantly, Lizzie."

"Thanks Felix, for everything."

"We're so proud of you, little one."

"Where's Valtteri?"

"P4. We earned a big chunk of points today. Well done!" I was overwhelmed. I won. Hockenheim. My mind went into autopilot. I parked the car in the middle spot. Unbuckled my seatbelt and headrest. Unclipped my steering wheel and climbed out. The crowd chanting. My name. Unbelievable. On shaky legs I jumped into my team. Celebrated our victory.

Watched my family celebrating my win.

"YOU DID IT! YOU DID IT! YOU WON!" Liam and Benji chirped and I hugged them both, jumping up and down.

"We're so proud of you. You were amazing!" Dad patted my helmet and I saw Mum wiping away some tears.

"Mum! Enough tears, come on!" I chuckled and she nodded.

"Go! Celebrate!" she smiled, looking behind me and without even turning around I knew who she was looking at.

I pulled my helmet off and turned around, Charles. Helmet already off. Wearing his biggest, most adorable smile. His eyes sparkling, looking at me. I pulled my balaclava off and sprinted towards him, not caring for a single moment what people would say, and jumped into his arms.

"You won, cara mia! I'm so proud of you!" he whispered, hugging me tight and the moment he pulled away slightly, I captured his lips in a searing kiss.

The world faded to nothing. Only Charles and I. And after what felt like ages my head started to feel dizzy from the lack of oxygen and I slowly pulled away.

"I love you." I breathed out and Charles smile made my heart go faster.

"In front of everyone? What's gotten into you?" he chuckled and I smiled sheepishly.

"I don't give a fuck anymore. I have a seat for the next 3 years in the best team. I won my home race. I have the best family and friends. And I have you. Why would I care about anyone else anymore?"

"I love you, my crazy girl." he whispered against my lips and kissed me again, right when someone cleared their throat, making us pull away.

"I really don't want to interrupt..."

"No, its fine..." I laughed, taking the microphone.

"Lizzie! Congrats on your win here today! What a race. At no time your win was in danger. How do you feel, after winning your home race?" Nico Rosberg asked and I took a deep breath, looking up at the crowd, the sea of German flags, the people chanting my name.

"I'm speechless. Seriously. I'm overwhelmed with it all... I was the whole race like in a tunnel. Just kept doing my thing. I think I never spoke this little with Pete during a race."

"You were genuinely surprised when your race engineer told you that it was the last lap?"

"Yeah, because I was so freaking focused. I swear I don't even know anymore when I pitted! It was all one big blur." I chuckled a little.

"You did amazing. Congratulations. You made all of Germany proud today, am I right?" Nico turned to the crowd and the chanting got even louder "Congratulations again, Lizzie, what an unbelievable race!"

"Thanks Nico." I smiled, handing Charles the microphone and followed the F1 official to the cool down room.

I put my helmet down, grabbed a bottle of water and sat down, closing my eyes. All the emotions almost bubbling over. I still couldn't believe it. I won Hockenheim.

"There she is, my race winner." Charles walked in and I smiled "How does it feel? Winning your home race?"

"Umm... freaking amazing? Overwhelming? Fucking awesome?" I laughed and he nodded "You kept Max behind you then?" I looked at him, when a replay of the race start was shown.

"Yeah, wasn't easy though." he shrugged, right when Max walked in.

"There she is. Home GP winner." he smiled and hugged me "What a race. I think I saw you at the start the only time the whole race."

"Our pace was out of this world today." I nodded when I watched another replay on the screen. Sainz going wide off track. I couldn't stop the grin from forming.

"Come on now, lets get your trophy!" Charles pulled me out of my chair, then he grabbed something out of his helmet and threw it around my shoulders, I looked down. A German flag.

"It's your home race! Let's go, don't let your crowd wait." he pushed me towards the door and I braced myself one last time, then stepped outside.

I climbed up the highest step, the sun breaking through the cloudy sky, the crowd chanting my name. I did it. I really did it. I watched Michael, one of our head strategists walk outside, hugging me again, taking his place on the right. Next came Charles, then Max. I took off my cap and looked up in the sky as the German anthem played. Charles smiled up at me proudly and I couldn’t contain the smile on my own face. The crowd singing along our anthem. Dad, Pete and Felix all together screaming it from the top of their lungs. Liam and Benji waving and clapping. I felt invincible. The moment the anthem stopped I prepared myself to lift up the most important trophy of my life so far. I held the German flag together, taking the trophy from Stefano Domenicali, who congratulated me and stepped aside. The moment I lifted the trophy over my head the crowd erupted. It was almost deafening. I sat my trophy down, waving at Liam and Benji when Les Toreadors started playing and I felt myself getting soaked in champagne from 3 sides. I managed to grab my bottle and spray a little champagne myself before we toasted our bottles together.

"Cheers to Lizzie!" Charles smiled at me and I took a swig of champagne, immediately scrunching up my nose.

We all huddled together to take the photos and I felt like I would never stop smiling. All the way down the podium, back to the garage where every single one of my team hugged me, to my family doing the same. The smile on my face only getting bigger and bigger. I even enjoyed the interviews and the press conference for once, even joked around.

"Go back to your team now, and later on, we’re going to celebrate!" Charles kissed me one last time and I cocked an eyebrow.

"Where are we going?"

"You’ll see. And now go!" he pushed me up the stairs of the Audi hospitality, laughing when I turned around and stocked out my tongue "GO!"

I shook my head and walked inside, the team already celebrating.

"I heard that Charles planned a party?" Felix looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders.

"I have no idea. Honestly."

"There is still one last race before the summer break next week…" I could see how he was fighting off a big smile and made my best puppy eyes.

"Only a ittle partying? Pretty please?" I pouted and Felix laughed.

"Just a little!" he said and I cheered.

"Let’s fucking gooo!"

It was like I was floating on cloud 9 the next days. After a big hangover for the half of Monday, the big smile on my face returned immediately back. I won Hockenheim. My home race. One more race and it was summer break. Life couldn’t be better. Only the weather didn’t pass the vibe check. Still heavy rains. Still grey skies. Spa would be another battle in the rain.

"Lizzie, how do you feel? After winning your home gp, seeing how good the updates worked?" Lawrence Barretto asked.

"Honestly, it still feels a little unreal. I mean it was an incredible, unbelievable feeling. The atmosphere was great, the fans were amazing. It was overall one of my best weekends in F1 so far for me." I replied with a big smile.

"Spa is, after Hockenheim of course, one of your favourite tracks, do you think the updates will work on this track as well?"

"I’m confident that the car will do great here as well, yes."

"There has been a lot of… different opinions about your contract renewal, what do you say to the people, thinking you don’t deserve a seat in F1?"

"I did the talking on track. I won a race, three in total in my third season in a midfield to slightly top team. While others in top teams won their first race in their sixth season. That’s all I have to say."

"Thank you Lizzie and good luck this weekend."

"Thanks." I smiled and walked off,

"Subtle." Julie chuckled and I shrugged.

"He could’ve just shut the f up and not comment on it. I just won my home race and instead of saying that he’s happy for me. Or just laugh and say good for her. No he had to say that it leaves him worried for Sainz, because he hoped that he would get my seat to make him stay in F1… he can fuck right off." I said, raising my voice at the end when I spotted the very person of my rage.

"Yeah, he should’ve just kept quiet. But you know him…" Julie sighed and we walked towards the exit.

"Yeah. Doesn’t make it better."

"I know. Let’s go. Ignore him." she lead me outside and for a brief moment Norris looked up, his eyes on mine, but I looked away and kept walking.

"I guess I have to do the talking on track again this weekend." I mumbled, and Julie nodded.

"That you do! And you show everyone that you deserve this seat more than Sainz does. Period."

"Oh 100 %."

"Hey Mr. Pole sitter." I smiled at Charles when he unlocked the car, ushering me inside "Not gonna lie. That lap was sexy."

"Oh come one, silly girl." he laughed, starting the engine.

"What? Max had all purples and was this close setting a new lap record and then you chimed in with all purples beating his time, even closer to a new lap record and then just casually top your won times with again all purples and really set a new record?" I looked at him and he shook his head "That was sexy. So. Damn. Sexy."

"Okay, okay!" he chuckled and I smiled "It was a good quali, I’m just sorry for you."

"The rules are the rules. He set the time first, so he’s in front of me." I shrugged my shoulders a little and Charles sighed.

"I know, it still sucks. You’ll be in a Lando and Carlos sandwich at the start."

"Ewww, don’t you dare ever saying that again!" I punched his arm and he laughed.

"Sorry. But seriously. Be careful."

"I will be, don’t worry." I said, looking out the window, watching how the rain kept pouring down.

"Let’s just hope for better weather tomorrow. Spa and that rain? That’s a red flag fest." Charles said and I nodded.

"Yeah, let’s really hope for better weather."

But all hopes and prayers were for nothing. It was still raining cats and dogs and when we arrived at the track, we were soaked down to our bones.

"I’ll see you later, cara mia." Charles kissed me and left.

I walked inside, taking my rain coat off, watching a few team members sit huddled together in the corner.

"That’s just sad. Both cars? I mean, better than the whole Australia incident, giving the driver who crashed out the other one’s car… but still…" Matt said and shook his head.

"What happened?" I asked and they turned around, greeting me.

"Williams won’t start the race. With both cars. They had to withdraw. Chassis and PU problems. They didn’t get ready in time because the spare parts were missing." Matt said and I looked at him with big eyes "Yeah, it’s sad…"

"Fucking hell, both cars? Damn." I mumbled, taking my phone out to read the official F1 article.

I finished reading when Charles texted me, saying he overheard the biggest news. When I asked him what it was he replied to wait and enjoy. I groaned and JK looked at me questioningly.

"You good?"

"Charles said A but not B…"

"Sorry, what? Is that a weird sex code?"

"What the fuck? No! He hinted at something but then didn’t tell me what it was about and I want to know!" I looked at him with big eyes.

"Oh, okay. So you mean if you are at the ball, you must dance. The saying goes who says A must say B in German?" JK asked.

"Better than if you’re at the ball, you must dance? That’s weird? And so long!" I defended and he held his hands up.

"I forgot, German efficiency."

"Exactly. German efficiency."

"Will you tell me now what you heard?" I asked Charles when we got ready after the anthem and he chuckled, grabbing my hand "Charles!"

"Patience, cara mia, patience!" he pulled me with him, looking around, searching for something.

"What are you looking for?"

He shook his head and then spotted Sainz, pulling me towards him.

"Carlos. Hey. I overheard the big news earlier, congrats on your new team. Looks like they all can’t wait for you to come, in fact, they were this excited that they completely forgot to get their car’s ready for the race." Charles said and I looked at him with big eyes "Let’s go, cara mia."

"What the…" I began, looking at him.

"He signed with Williams. I heard him, his father and cousin and Sylvia talk about it. The way they want to announce it." he chuckled and then turned around, grinning at Sainz who looked our way.

"You’re evil." I whispered, following his look.

"I know… but you love it, no?"

"Not gonna lie, it’s hot. Scary, but hot." I chuckled and he laughed.

"What is scary but hot?" Andrea asked and JK just shook his head.

"Do we even want to know." he rolled his eyes and I laughed.

"We were just talking about our good friend Sainz."

"What about him?" Andrea asked and Charles wiggled his eyebrows.

"He has a new team… sadly that team has no car on the grid…"

"He sighed with Williams?" JK asked, his head snapping around, watching Sainz "On the weekend where both cars have a DNS?"

"Williams. One of the worst team on the grid…"

"You know, like a really famous poet once said: You play stupid games, You win stupid prizes." I shrugged and all 3 looked at me for a moment.

"Taylor Swift." they said in unison and I laughed.

"I’m proud of you, my fellow Swiftie."

"Let’s get you guys in the car." JK rolled his eyes playfully and I pushed him away.

"Good luck, cara mia. Be careful. They both are ruthless at the start! I want you on that podium with me." Charles pulled me close, then kissed me gently "Drive safe. These conditions allow zero mistakes. I love you."

"I love you too, go and win this race." I smiled and he nodded, pecking my lips again, before he walked off with Andrea.

"Alright. Let’s get you in the car, come on." JK said and I nodded, turning around and preparing for the race.

When I sat in the car, everything was checked and ready, I took a deep breath. Looking to my left, spotting Norris who looked my way. I had to fight off Tweedledee and Tweedledum right at the start. Great. One last radio check and the formation started, the spray from Max making my vision practically non existent. As soon as we were back in our grid boxes I focused on the lights and accelerated the moment they went out, gaining massive momentum, almost instantly overtaking Norris. I inwardly cheered a little, pushing the throttle full through, focusing on what was happening in front, while trying to stay ahead of Norris and Sainz.

"Red Flag. Red Flag." Pete radioed and I cursed.

"What happened?"

"Daniel, Pierre, Ocon, Stroll and Alonso had a little something."

"Everyone okay?"

"Yeah, looks like Ocon and Alonso won’t be able to continue."

"Okay."

"Safety car."

The track was clear surprisingly fast and we all left the pits again, following the safety car.

"Standing start, Lizzie, back in P4."

"Of course." I mumbled hoping for another good start like the one minutes ago and was pleasantly surprised when I breezed past Norris for the second time today.

The rain was slightly getting lighter, the sight was still bad though and the first laps I had to focus more on seeing something than on driving fast. But that soon changed and I saw Sainz coming closer and closer.

"What lap are we in? I can’t read it."

"17."

27 more to go. I could do it. I could stay ahead.

"Weather update." I radioed after another 3 laps.

"No change for the next 6-8 laps."

"And then?"

"Heavier rain."

"Okay." I sighed.

The track was slippery and I felt my car slide from left to right, right to left in every turn I took. Charles and Max in front were having the same issues, fighting each other hard. I slipped and hit a kerb hard, feeling how I was losing the rear, but managed to keep the car on track, giving Sainz the opportunity to come even closer.

"Check the floor."

"On it."

I waited anxiously for Pete’s reply, while trying my best to stay ahead of Sainz.

"No significant damage."

"Okay."

The next 4 laps Sainz caught up to me, trying to overtake me and I had to fight him off more than I liked. The rain was slightly getting heavier, my sight was getting worse. 20 more laps to go. And Sainz was now closer than ever.

"I don’t think I can fight him off much longer." I radioed.

"Lizzie, let him pass… you can catch up to him again. But with your tyres now, it’s too dangerous."

I didn’t answer. Giving up my position wasn’t what I wanted. Especially not to him. But destroying my tyres by fighting him off, having no grip in these conditions was indeed dangerous.

"Lizzie."

"Okay."

I clenched my jaw and drove to the left, making space for Sainz to overtake me, which he did immediately. I had a bad feeling when I saw him breeze past me and as if on cue his car was wavering, losing grip, his left rear tyre, touching my front tyre and I felt my car sliding to the left, trying my best to keep it on track but it was already too late. I lost all control, losing the rear entirely, spinning out, the wet track didn’t slow me down and by the time I reached the gravel my car was already spinning to fast and I prepared myself for the impact. The moment I hit the wall, pain erupted in my back and I screamed out. Panting heavily.

"Are you okay?" Pete radioed and I tried my best to calm down my breathing "Lizzie?"

"I- I ca-…" my voice broke, breathing staggered.

"Lizzie? Hey! LIZZIE! Can you hear me? Are you okay!" Pete shouted in my ear.

"I’m okay." I pressed out, hearing my blood rushing in my ears.

I was heaving. Hands shaking. A pain raging through my back like a wild fire. The pain in my neck and shoulders, mind numbing. I looked ahead, saw what was left of my car stuck in the wall, front tyres, hood, all gone.

"Stay put. The medical car and marshall’s are on their way."

"Pete?"

"Yeah, little one?"

"I can’t feel my legs."

Chapter 46 - winning a home GP is something special and making Lizzie win hers was one of my favourite things in this whole fic, as a German myself I miss having a German GP and most importantly a German driver in a big team who can actually fight for wins (sorry Nico 🙈) … what else happened? Oh, yeah… Belgium… 😬 I guess I’ll leave you hanging for a bit…

Please leave a comment/ like/ reblog/ message and tell me how you liked it! I'm dying to hear your thoughts!

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Last but not least, English is not my first language and although I tried my best: please excuse any mistakes I made!

Taglist:

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Armand Molloy's Vampirism Course for the Gifted

Apparently, Daniel is something of a vampiric prodigy.

He’s a very efficient and neat killer, sure, but that’s not it. It’s about The Gifts, or whatever. Well, one gift, for now, but Armand is so hopped up on it he’s going full Montessori on Daniel’s ass. He apparently wants to make up for being an absentee maker at the start there, and he’s determined to nurture Daniel’s talents.

It started a couple months ago, when Daniel casually set a shitty book on fire, and even he was surprised at how easily it came to him. Armand then said something weirdly erotic about his blood being inside Daniel, and the whole incident got them both so horny they repeatedly had sex about it for a week.

And now Armand is of the opinion that Daniel should try branching out into other gifts as well.

Except…

You know how some birds of prey will deliver a kill that’s still wriggling to their nest, so the young can learn to deal the killing blow? Yeah, that’s pretty much Armand’s teaching methodology.

Only it’s not about killing, because Daniel, disturbingly, never had problems in that department. No, this is much more complicated, and Daniel is kinda regretting watching that David Attenborough documentary with Armand last night, the one about the European golden eagles lifting entire-ass goats off cliffs, because he’s pretty sure that’s the bit that inspired Armand’s current teaching efforts.

There’s a cop standing in front of them, staring straight ahead with the creepy, vacant stare of an antique doll. They’re in the middle of an abandoned construction site, the kind that really ticks Daniel off, because the housing crisis is a real thing, but at least there’s nobody to see them; and if anybody comes along, well, Armand can do what he’s done to the cop.

Which brings Daniel back to his predicament.

���Come on, babe,” he tries. “Can’t we do it some other time? I’ll blow you if we go home right now.”

Armand laughs, beautiful like a goddamn midsummer night. “That’s a very tempting offer, beloved, but we both know you’ll do that anyway.”

Yeah, he’s got Daniel there.

“Try lifting one of his arms.”

“God, can’t we just drain him?”

“You just ate,” Armand reminds him, and that’s true, there’s even still some blood in the corner of Daniel’s mouth; he licks at it pensively, staring at the cop. “Go on.”

Thing is, Armand is really so fucking calculated. He’s orchestrated every detail here like the ultimate theatre kid he is: he knows that choosing a cop will remove any sympathy inhibitions Daniel may have otherwise had for a technically still-living subject, and he also knows the cop will trigger Daniel’s fight-or-flight responses, because you can take the boy out of the drug den, but you can’t take the junkie out of the old man.

The empty construction site, the open space and illusion of isolation, and the goddamn stretched-out t-shirt Armand is wearing, the one with a neckline that droops well past his collarbones, because he knows Daniel is weak with horniness when he puts that on.

(Look who’s bartering with desire now.)

“Fine,” Daniel finally breaks, as they both knew he would. “Fine. But don’t get disappointed if nothing happens.”

“You’re my Daniel. I could never be disappointed in you.”

Well, shit, and then he goes and says stuff like that. And he means it too, it’s right there in his eyes. Daniel doesn’t know what to do with him, other than love him.

-

(continue reading on AO3)

[dollywheeler]

October 24th, 1996

Mike is such a DOUCHEBAG! What? Just because he’s back in town he thinks he can dictate how I live my fucking life?! I knew this would happen! Knew he would just go back to looking at me like the goddamn 5 year old he couldn't give a damn about! That was nothing but a nuisance!

As if I can’t take care of myself! God, if he thinks I give a shit about his opinion he’s going to be sorely disappointed! Sure, not jumping four feet in the air and possibly breaking my neck at seven in the morning where no one will find me for at least another hour, made sense. That I can place and admit to being dangerous! But just running? What? I’m so fragile I might twist my ankle?

Fuck, and the way he yelled at me? Like I’m some dumb child that should know better?? I do know better! Which is why I always leave a note with my exact route and expected time of return - not even because I think anything might happen, but because I have common human decency and don’t want mom to worry when she wakes up to find me gone! Something he could’t give a rat’s ass about!!

Seriously, it’s so fucking rich that he thinks he has the right to scold me about running around Hawkins - Hawkins of all places, as if there are more boring towns than this! - in the dark without adult supervision! I’m so mad it’s insane. I don’t think I’ve ever been this pissed off before, it’s genuinely quite impressive.

To think that an hour ago I was so content to wake up early and go for a run before school. I was in such a good mood too - he ruined it.

He just doesn’t understand! I already can’t practice my routine - not the full, difficult parts of it - so the least I can do is work on my cardio and stamina! But when I tell him that he’s all like “just ask a friend to come along next time!” And I try to tell him that’s not an option but he just - ugh. He doesn’t get it. There’s no point in practicing extra when everyone knows you’re doing it. It will just make everyone think I’m being a try-hard or a suck-up or whatever! Or just think I’m being weird for needing the extra practice!

Great, now I’m crying again because I'm pathetic! Fucking Mike. Fuck this shit.

Okay, so I didn’t actually finish this entry, for many reasons. I didn’t even start it properly - not that the “dear diary” really matters, I guess, but it’s the principle of the thing.

Anyway, even though it’s been hours, I’m still pissed off, don’t worry, but at least now I have the time and state of mind to finish. I’m skipping English as I’m writing this down - I know it’s terrible for a lot of reasons.

1, my school record, but what is Mike going to do? Report me? Fuck that. And fuck him.

2, It’s letting him win. I recognise that. But I guess I’m weak because I really can’t deal with seeing him right now. God I hate him.

3, Danny is probably wondering where I am, which means I’ll have to tell him what happened.

Damn - maybe I didn’t think this through. I can probably spin it - say I wasn’t feeling well or something. Except I don’t want to lie to him either… Well, it’s not technically a lie. Still, I’ll probably just tell him some part of the truth - he can know I was pissed at Mike. He doesn’t have any siblings but he’ll probably understand anyway.

To think that for a while I considered myself an only child… tragic. I was so fucking close to just having a cool older sister that was too far away to meddle in my life. I was in control of my life - I still am!

Mike just thinks he has a say all of a sudden - which he doesn’t. Two weeks of being civil does not a brother make!

Seriously, it was so disorientating to just be running one minute, thinking nice thoughts, wondering about the english assignment, only for Mr. Wheeler himself to actually see me and come storming out freaking out about me running in the dark! It's Hawkins in October! It's dark all the time!

I was so shocked, I could barely defend myself. God, the neighbours will probably have wondered what the fuck was going on - If our shouting match didn’t wake them I’m sure they’re dead.

The worst part was that I still had to go to school after… I'm sure everyone could tell I was off. Or at least Dylan would have, if she hadn't been a thousand miles away today herself. I'm kind of glad for it. Danny sending me worried glances was more than enough, and just getting to listen to Whitney rattle on about yearbook and today's lunch and whatever else was not living up to her standard was nice. Distracting.

Still, I wish I could just go home already - I want to lie down and mope and pretend like it's still three months ago when Mike was far far away! Then I wouldn't have to deal with his judgement and his meddling and his passive-aggressiveness towards mom and dad. And I could just kiss my boyfriend in school without fearing he might see.

Sadly, I still have cheer practice and I can't skip it. It's already bad enough that Dylan has a brace around her wrist again.

This just reminded me I'm still wearing Mike's bracelet - it really shouldn't make me feel better but it does. It's petty as hell, and he probably doesn't even remember it exists, but whatever.

He should just go back to not remembering me.

- Holly

[syruubi]

Man its been weeks and I’m still soured by the conclusion to Fontaine’s main story. I'll just rant here

There were a lot of things I didn’t like about it (Arlecchino's altruism being played straight, Traveler being out of character, the lore exposition ass-pull with the prophecy slates, the weird logic about how destroying a Gnosis could potentially wake up the Heavenly Principles but not fucking destroying an Archon Throne when Celestia forced everyone to fight a GODDAMN WAR TO ESTABLISH THEM-) but the biggest offense to me was how Furina was handled. This was marketed as the grand finale of the arc, the climax with Furina at the center of it all. And she got shafted. Big time. Furina had no agency in the plot whatsoever, nothing she did had any effect on how things turned out, and she didn’t even have the dignity of fully understanding why it all had to happen that way.

(Also I will preface this with yes Furina and Focalors are technically the same person with the same origin, but after the split Furina lost all her memories as Focalors. They are two separate consciousnesses with different experiences, and therefore I will treat their individual choices as their own)

I’ve seen people try to argue that no, she chose to take on this role knowing she would suffer, that she didn't HAVE to go along with it. And she was even working by herself to solve the prophecy without relying on Focalors, she wasn’t a puppet/pawn! But the thing is she was essentially in a hostage situation. If she didn’t do things exactly as dictated by Focalors people would DIE. Like there is a reason why criminal punishments are lighter when it’s found the perpetrator was coerced into it! And her researching how to avoid the prophecy changed nothing about the outcome, she could have sat around eating cake and the story would have word for word turned out exactly the same. All that information served to do was highlight her suffering and draw the audience’s sympathy. That's what I mean about her not having agency, it's not about her ability to act as an individual but how her actions had an effect on the overall plot. None of her choices outside of the role designated by Focalors did anything to change the situation for better or worse.

And to top it all off she didn’t even understand WHY this all had to happen. Why do people dissolve in the Primordial water? How does her pretending to be an Archon play into solving the issue? Why can’t she confide in anyone? What the hell is Focalors even doing? She doesn’t learn the answers to any of these until after everything was over, and not even from Focalors’ own mouth, it was relayed to her by Neuvillette.

Speaking of Neuvillette, I’m not gonna lie I’m sorta annoyed at his existence because it felt like Furina was shafted for him. Everything is very tilted in Neuvillette's favor. He gets his powers back, full control over Pneuma/Ousia, final say in trials, the ability to hand out Visions, and just straight up the ability to manipulate life itself. And okay all these things were his to begin with lore-wise, whatever, but he also becomes the "lore important" character after this at Furina's expense. Furina doesn't have her memories as Focalors, she can't tell us anything about how the world works, about Celestia, about what happened 500 years ago. Even though other Archons didn't give us much either for one reason or another, they at least HAVE that knowledge, and are therefore guaranteed to have involvement in future events with the Abyss and Celestia. Furina at the moment, doesn't. Neuvillette has it now. And all that talk about Focalors judging Celestia? Also Neuvillette's job now. And it feels like it was all stolen from Furina from a story-telling perspective because again, she didn't know of the plan to return his powers. She didn't even get to explicitly agree with her other self that he should have them back. The writers really seemed to go out of their way to place him on a pedestal at Furina's expense, which irks the hell out of me.

There are some opportunity for future interludes to turn the current state around, and they probably will since Furina is still being marketed as an Archon, but as it stands I want Fontaine to be over so we can move on to the next disappointment.

[bangrychannie]

Stray Kids Fic Recs

Hello! Recently I have become a stray kids fan and have fallen into a rabbit hole of fanfiction. Various pairings bc I don't care what the pair is just that it's stray kids related lmao. Added a line break bc there's a lot. Also feel free to rec me skz fics please bc I'm always reading

the book of us; electricity: (Seungjin | 10/10 | 84,966 | teen and up)

HJ @hyunfortunately 5h ;-; i was at the store and this song was playing over the speakers and i tried to remember some lyrics so i could search it up later but i can’t find it this is TRAGIC HJ @hyunfortunately 5h it was in korean and it’s kind of got rock-pop-balladish vibes and the first line of it was “neoneun neo neoneun na” if anyone knows it PLEASE tell me Seungmin doesn’t like to interact with other people on Twitter, but the questions seems almost aimed to him. He hits reply and types, “Try Hi Hello by Day6.” [Seungmin falls for Hyunjin from 2000 miles away. He expected that it would be inconvenient. He didn't expect quite how much Hyunjin would change his life.]

Genuinely one of the best fics I've ever read. It reads like a love letter to high school in the best way possible.

so this is what love is by dwaekinz: (Seungjin | 4/4 | 43,743 | teen and up)

seungmong_22 Hi, Hyunjin! My name is Seungmin. I'm Felix's friend, I hope he's mentioned me before…? Ha. We met online two years ago. I know it's unexpected But I kind of need your help hyuntothejin Me??? After 2 years of online friendship, Seungmin has finally found the time and saved up enough money to visit Felix for his birthday. In order for the surprise to work, he recruits the help of Felix's brother, Hyunjin, and together they spend the next three months forging a plan as well as a friendship of their own— or maybe something more.

So cute and fluffy no notes

Endgame by Raesan (Minsung | 9/9 | 150,840 | Explicit)

Jisung didn’t mean to procrastinate, but he didn’t think that all the clubs would be full in just a week. He sighed, seeing that only one club still had availability. Too bad he didn’t know shit about chess. Or what happens when Jisung, captain of the college soccer team, meets Minho, the number 2 ranked chess player in the country.

This fic is genuinely SO GOOD lol I think about it every day

reply hazy, try again by mrehk (BinChan | 1/1 | 14,951 | Explicit)

Changbin’s calculus tutor is Bang Chan. Smile wide, eyes shining, curly hair wild around his head. He’s got his backpack slung over one arm, those fuck ass chino shorts with a five inch inseam that make Changbin’s mouth water— and, goddamn, he’s wearing a fucking cropped t-shirt. Jisung and Seungmin are going to string Changbin up and have their way with public humiliation when they hear about this. (OR: solving for the derivative of l+o+v+e)

Funny and cute, I love idiots in love and that's what this is

Also mrehk is a fantastic writer so if you like this fic there's way more where that came from

i will protect you (gothic font) by mrehk (Minsung | 1/1 | 16,661 | Explicit)

Seungmin ignores him, smacking the folder onto the desk, flipping it open without looking, sliding it across the surface towards Minho. “It doesn’t matter. This was in the lease. You signed, right—” he taps the bottom corner, Minho’s initials perfectly legible. “Here.” “Excuse me?” Minho leans forward. “Paragraph nineteen subsection C,” Seungmin says, not even looking down as he recites the document word for word. “Lease is not voidable in the case of suspected paranormal activity.” He pounds his finger on the period. Minho laughs. A short, barked thing, completely disbelieving. “You’re kidding me.” “I’m really not,” Seungmin’s face pinches up into the sort of fake, squinted smile someone gives when they’re being an asshole. No remorse. (OR: Minho has ghosts, Jisung hunts ghosts)

Another funny one by mrehk my beloved

one day to fall in love (countless ones to love you) by whatifidbeenthatauthor (Minsung | 1/1 | 22,018 | Mature)

Minho stopped in his tracks. He turned to face Han Jisung. He looked unbothered, still going on about his way. “You didn’t say Hi,” Minho said, forcing the voice to come out of his throat. “You always say hi, hyung.” Jisung turned to look at him, a smile playing on his lips. He looked amused. Minho’s mind wasn’t keeping up. “Today’s different, I guess,” Jisung shrugged. “I went with a variation.” Minho would have found him insufferable, but he didn’t have the mental capacity to process the frustrating sensation that usually accompanied Jisung’s presence. Minho blurted out something that might have him sent to a madhouse. “No. I’ve lived today six times. You- you always say hi, hyung.” He felt crazy. More than usual. Jisung laughed. “What the fuck,” he said, and Minho knew he sounded insane, but could this kid please not be so arrogant? “Me, too. I thought I was the only one,” he continued, and he changed Minho’s life. *** Minho's life is boring, predictable, borderline uneventful. Until he gets stuck in a time loop. And, with him, his friends' friend, Han Jisung, a crazy dude who's only into skating. And whom Minho doesn't necessarily like.

I love time loop/time travel fics if anyone wants a list of specifically those lmk lmao

(never) have your fill of me by lolainslackss (Minsung | 3/3 | 36,028 | Explicit)

“How often can he possibly be having sex that it’s disturbing you this much?” Hyunjin asks, disbelieving. “He has sex, like, every day. And then again at night, sometimes.” Jisung makes a noise of distress. He drags his hands down his face before balling them into fists beneath his chin. “It’s just . . . so distracting, Hyunjin.” “Distracting,” Hyunjin repeats, giving Jisung a meaningful smirk. “Oh, I bet it is.” “Aw,” Jisung whines. “Why’d you have to say it like that?” “Like what?” “Like you think I wish I were the one he were fucking, instead.” “Because you do, don’t you, or are we pretending we both don’t know that?” Hyunjin’s gaze flits over to Minho before it swiftly cuts back to Jisung, all-knowing. “You’d let him do anything to you. Am I wrong?” - In which PhD student Han Jisung unleashes a succubus from a magical book, winds up living with him, and then forms a sex pact with him.

I also have a lot of demon fic recs so lmk

36 Questions That May Lead to Love by bluecalicocat (Minsung | 1/1 | 17,282 | Teen and Up)

generic username @realhanjisung yo my friend wants to be a therapist, can someone pls fake date me so he can practice counseling couples? i have 3 cats @leeknow deal

This fic is so funny

Searching for My Heart in Yours by lk321 (minsung | 5/5 | 36,995 | General)

When Jisung moves to Miroh, a town in the middle of nowhere, all he’s looking for is some peace and quiet. Instead, what he finds is a prickly witch for a neighbor by the name of Minho, who accidentally spills a potion on Jisung and forms a psychic bond between them, opening Jisung to whole new world of magic. As Minho tries to find a cure for their predicament, Jisung finds himself pulled into Minho's lively and magical life. It's not the peace and quiet Jisung was looking for, but as Jisung gets to know the witch through the emotions they're forced to share, Jisung realizes that the answers he’s searching for in life might just lie here in Miroh, in places he least expects.

Feels like a warm hug

the long game by floraii (HyunSung | 1/1 | 16,045 | Teen and Up)

“Anyway,” he continues, voice still sultry, “I’ve been seeing you in class, and I was just wondering—” he moves his hand to curl around a strand of his hair. “Could I get your number?” Han Jisung’s big brown eyes blink again. His gaze darts to his lips, then to his notebook, then up to his eyes. “To study?” “Yeah,” Hyunjin blurts without thinking. What the fuck? Study? What is happening? Why is he agreeing?

Hyunjin has a type. It’s not usually shy boys in his Intro to Statistics class with big round eyes and glasses, but Han Jisung is different.

This fic was so funny I was actually laughing out loud

I have plenty more where that came from! So there will be more recs soon

[endwersed]

WIP Wednesday

Tagged by the brilliant @dear-massacre 🥰

I haven't been able to work on my current WIP much this week, so here's a li'l something from the nanny AU I started a while ago instead!

-

“The novelty starts to wear off around the time they learn the word why,” his dad adds drily, a teasing eyebrow quirked. “You should have at least a year to enjoy before that, though.”

Stiles refuses to let his brain drift to thoughts of whether he’ll even be around in a year to see it. Not now, not when Derek’s smile is huge and warm and so full of unbridled love as he looks between his son and Stiles, not when Jake is babbling an impressively steady stream of dadadada, much to all of their delight.

In that moment, he simply decides – fuck it.

It’s absolutely true that none of this is real. But he’s going to enjoy every second of it that he can before it all blows up in his face.

The rest of his dad’s brief visit passes easily enough; Jake regaling them all with his new word while the rest of the conversation flows freely around it. Derek is polite, saying all the right things to make the Sheriff like him, regard him with a quiet sense of approval.

When it’s time for him to head off, his dad and Derek shake hands before he rubs an affectionate hand over the growing hair on Jake’s head. Stiles offers to walk with him to his car, and they chat amiably up until they reach his cruiser, at which point his dad cuts off with a frown, leaning against the closed door of the car and levelling Stiles with a look he hasn’t seen since he was a teenager.

“What?” Stiles asks, eyes wide and something like dread welling up inside him.

His dad doesn’t answer immediately. His gaze slides along the path they just travelled before pulling back to meet Stiles’ eyes. Stiles feels his heartbeat quicken as his dad narrows his eyes.

“You need to be careful here, Stiles,” he says.

Stiles does everything he can to not show a single visible sign of how those words affect him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replies, forcing nonchalance.

“He’s married,” his dad presses on, as always too goddamn switched on. “He won’t feel the same way you do. And that’s not even getting into the fact that he’s your boss.”

“I don’t,” Stiles starts to deny.

“You need to get over your feelings,” his dad cuts over him, “and if you can’t do that – you need to quit.”

Stiles swallows thickly. Unconsciously, his eyes dart over to the blanket where Derek and Jake sit, Derek still with an utterly astonished look on his face as Jake repeats those two incredible syllables again and again and again. His dad’s face is kind, sympathetic, when he looks back to him, and Stiles nods once, stiff and quick.

“It’s just a crush,” he lies. “I’ll get over it.”

After a long moment, his dad nods in return. He pushes away from the car and tugs Stiles into a hug, one hand at the back of his head as he presses his lips lightly against Stiles’ temple.

“I’m just a phone call away if you ever need me,” his dad says, pulling away to look him right in the eye. “And I mean ever. You got that?”

Stiles smiles wanly. “It’s just a crush, dad. It’ll be fine.”

It's just as much of a lie for his own, stupid heart.

-

No pressure tags! @crownofstardustandbone @raisesomehale @thotpuppy @renmackree

[wolfiemozart1787]

Thank you SO much

Hey, I just wanted to say to everyone who’s supporting me in this very unfortunate and just plain shitty thing that’s happening on AO3 - thank you. I really do appreciate it. AND just for those who have absolutely no idea what’s going on, I’ll explain it.

So, basically around three weeks ago I wrote and posted a smut fic on AO3 about two characters from Jackson’s Diary (if you don’t know what it is, it’s a Webtoon) and I immediately received an ENORMOUS amount of backlash, due to the fact the one of the characters was 17 - ergo, underage. I thought “well, that’s a reasonable thing to get titchy about”, so I re-tagged the work and stated in the A/N that the specific character was aged up a couple months, just to smoothen everything out. But, SURPRISE, it didn’t work. I started getting more backlash, which then turned into hate. It just kept coming and coming. At this point I was like “Jesus, how does one short fic cause all this?”. Then I received several requests (actually no, orders) to take the work down. Now, I’m new to writing fanfiction. I’ve been into reading it for maybe 4 years now, but I’ve only just started publishing works and this is the first fandom that I’ve officially joined, and I didn’t know that specific people had power over what I can and can’t write, sooo...yeah. But then, things took a turn.

I was scrolling through the fandom one day when I found a post titled “Please stop”. I was curious and clicked on it, only to find that it wasn’t an actual fanfic but a call-out post, telling all the people (aka me) who post smut fics (I literally posted ONE) to stop because it’s a.) disgusting, b.) is a basic representation of pedophilia and c.) is basically child p*rnography. Now I was astonished at these accusations. I aged up ONE character by a couple months, now I’m being called a pedophile? I explained that I myself am a minor, even younger than the underaged character, but of course that didn’t change anything. I tried to explain politely in the comments section that I didn’t mean anybody any harm whatsoever, and I was then harassed (and that’s not an overstatement) by several people, being told to take it down. So, my naive little brain couldn’t take it anymore so I took the work down. I then posted an apology. Now the reason I did this was not because I regretted writing the work, no no, it was just to stop all the goddamn disgusting comments about me. But it turns out I’d only added fuel to the fire.

I started receiving even more vile comments, some including death threats, others untruthful accusations about how I was a groomer or a child sexual abuser, others just calling me the most disgusting person alive. This had a serious effect on my mental health. I’m naturally a very happy person. I love making people laugh. I love making people smile and feel good about themselves, but now I felt like shit! I felt like I was all the things people were calling me. I was told to kill myself because everyone hated me. I don’t think there was a single supportive or positive comment on that post. I left it up for ages, until one day I came across a comment (from the same person who posted the “Please stop” fic) talking about a TikTok video about it. And I thought...”oh no”.

I IMMEDIATELY got my ass over to TikTok and saw the video, and...let’s just say I didn’t take it well. The comments were...unexplainable. Calling me the most vile words a person can be called. Accusing me of pedophilia, for the thousandth time! So many comments...horrible things said by people who don’t even know me! Judgement of my character, of my virtues, and they just kept coming. Then there was ANOTHER post by the same account, which then brought in MORE hurtful comments. By then I’d had enough. I had a full-on mental breakdown, trashing literally everything. Then anxiety started. I’m still in school, and I kept thinking “what if somebody at my school knows I did this?”. I started becoming anxious all the time, and it was all I thought about. Until somebody actually supported me and posted about the whole thing on Tumblr, which brought in SO many wonderful people! And I’ve tried explaining it to people on TikTok and AO3, but nobody will listen. But here I know people will listen. I’m sorry for sharing my whole boring story with you all, and by the way, it’s still ongoing so if you want to go have a look, it’s still up on AO3 with more comments every day!

But yeah, I just wanted to say that I really appreciate all my supporters in this difficult time, you really do make my day.

[funnymemesandreblogs]

So I posted something about telling my friend I'm a lesbian some time ago and I must inform you of today's events. Few days/weeks ago I sent my friend, let's call her L, that I gotta tell her something but deleted it right away. Doesn't matter - she still saw it. She asks me about it the next day and I say I can't tell her right now but I will tell her after a few days/when I'm ready. Today, my fellas, we were ready to go outside. But I (as always) took much more time to get ready than expected, even tho usually she's the one that's even more late than me. Anyways, she came to my house because of that and asked me when will I tell her. But it was literally like my body doesn't let me say it out loud. I told her I will tell her outside so we went outside. First park - full of children, second park - full of children, found some benches and sat there talkin' bout some shit when she asked me again. I couldn't answer even tho I wanted to so I consitered writing it down but that would've been really weird so I waited a bit more. (I also was smiling awkwardly and uncontrollably, I just be like that when I'm embarassed.) I started saying some random shit about how it's not really that important so she better not be expecting something amazing but that it also could be a really big deal. L talked a while and when she stopped for a moment I felt that I could finally say it and was like, fuck it, if I don't say it now, who knows when will I so I just blurted out an "I'm a lesbian" in the middle of a conversation about god knows what. L then says that she actually expected that and asked me WHEN DID I DECIDE TO BE LIKE THAT, LIKE NOOO, WHAT THE FUCK, YOU THINK I WOULD JUST CHOOSE TO SUFFER LIKE THIS??? overreacting rn, anyways I explain to her I do not decide that and that it comes to me naturally and she's like "Oh, ok", and I. Think. She. Maybe. Understood. But I was so fucking wrong. L said "I support you (amazing, right, that's what I thought, too) BUT I DO NOT SUPPORT OTHER PEOPLE. YOU'RE MY FRIEND SO YOU ARE AN EXEMPTION." I was sad, also she will probbably have the best reaction out of all my friends so I. Am. Fucked.

Some time passed and she asks me, how did you think I would react?

Me: ...

I actually thought you'd react exactly like this.

L: Yeah, I think I reacted too casually/relaxed.

Me: [?????? what the fuck]

Haha, not really..

L: What do you mean? See how relaxed I am? [points at her way of sitting]

Me: Yeahh, but... (mumbling some random shit because I'm too sad and overwhelmed to even tell her about what I don't like.)

L: How do you think P (other friend) will react?

Me: I guess same as you.

L: When will you tell her?

Me: I don't know, probbably after a few weeks (definitely not, lol).

L: Any crushes??

Me: Nope. (Even tho I like this one girl soo much but I know L hates her.)

I am sorry. This post is so messed up and makes no goddamn sense, especially now at the end, but that was literally our conversation till P came so I guess it's okay. Also, my whole class thinks LGBTQ+ people are mentally sick but I'm still in a better position than some other people because she didn't discriminate me (even tho she will probbably soon). :D, bye my dear gay stranger, hope you enjoyed and didn't suffer much in life or through this post, :D

[alessiathepirate]

Supernatural

A NIGHT IN MISSOULA: Nick x fem!reader

Summary: How it could've turned out if Nick wasn't completely alone...

Notes: English isn't my first language. I apologize for any mistake I may have made while I wrote this short story.

I had to fix his storyline damn it, he deserved so much better!

Warnings: set in season 14, fluff (come on, my man deserves it goddamn it), mentioned death and violence, grief

•••

Her phone's screen illuminated the motel room again, for the fifth time in the last hour.

She lazily raised her head to look at it before laying her head back on the man's chest whose arms were holding her close to his body, as if he was afraid that she'll just disappear. She hugged him tighter, as if to tell him that she'd never go anywhere when she already had him.

Two missed calls from Dean, one from Sam and two from Cas.

Cas and Dean even left voicemails. It was a wonder they haven't made Jody or Donna look for her yet.

"I forgot to check in." she mumbled quietly, afraid that her voice alone could ruin the calm moment they were having - moments like these occured rarely. Very rarely, especially since both of their minds were full of unsolved issues, confusing emotions and grief. "I'll have to call them or they'll get a heart attack and send some hunters after us."

"You'll call them later." Nick's fingers ran along her spine, drawing invisible shapes into her skin here and there. "Please."

She smiled up at him, her heart feeling heavy from his last word alone.

Please - please don't leave; please stay; please, I need you. She felt the same way toward him. She needed him just as much as he needed her - to not go insane, to not break, to be able to enjoy and appreciate the simple things in life.

"They can wait, I suppose." she agreed and let her fingers run along the side of Nick's face and jaw. "We're a long way from home anyway. They wouldn't reach us in time."

They left months, close to a year ago.

Nick wanted justice, he wanted to find the man who murdered his family - and since she had her own demons to fight, her own people to grieve, she knew exactly how he felt.

Nick left first and she followed him, only leaving a short letter behind for her own family, what said 'I found a job - it's personal. Be back soon. Love you all.'. That 'soon' turned into weeks, then months. And as it turned out they needed each other more than the boys needed her.

She reached Delaware just in time to stop Nick from beating the truth out of Arty Nielson - and used that fake FBI badge of hers to figure out what the man saw that night.

After that it went easily. She posed as an FBI agent while Nick stayed himself, and together they were tracking the culprit who turned out to be a demon. Abraxas. They'll get the fucker in Hibbing in a day or two.

Thanks to her presence, Nick managed to keep his cool. He managed to keep his sanity. He managed to realize that there's still someone out there who cares. He managed to slowly, painfully slowly, let go of Lucifer and accept the fact that he found someone to love - who apparently loved him back.

"Y/N?" she looked at him again with a questioning look. "I never really said thank you for what you did for me."

"Nick--" she wanted to begin to argue; wanting to say that he has absolutely nothing to thank - her love and care for him was purely natural.

"No, please let me finish." he interrupted her as his left hand started to play with her hair. "I mean it. Thank you for everything. I'm pretty sure that without you I would've gone crazy. And you didn't have to care or help, I wasn't your responsibility. Sarah and Teddy's case wasn't yours to solve either. But you were there for me, you're still here for me and I just--"

She gently touched his face again.

"You were there for me too, Nick." it was her turn to interrupt him and prove him that she cared. "When I was still grieving my best friend, you were there." her heart still ached when she or anyone referred to Gabriel. "When Jack got sick and I was thousands of miles away from the bunker, you were there. I wasn't your responsibility either, and you are still here for me too."

Nick smiled at her - with a honest smile, without any sadness behind it; with a smile full of adoration.

"I love you, Y/N..."

She felt her heartbeat quicken and it felt like she was having an honest to God heart attack.

They were spending the nights together for a month now, sure. They were even kissing, holding hands and cuddling. They complimented the other's appearance. But saying those three words? That was new, completely new. It was something she knew she was feeling, but was afraid to put into words when Nick was still clearly in a dark place. She thought it might've been too soon.

She let the words sink in - she let them make her heart flutter. She even let them bring tears to her eyes.

"I love you too, Nick."

She pushed herself up onto her elbows and leaned forward so her lips were able to reach his.

Nick was holding her face between his hands as the kiss deepened. It was sweet, slow, full of love - both of them wanted to show the other that they meant what they've said, wholeheartedly.

By the time they broke apart, her phone was ringing again, yet in their happiness they both ignored it.

"Promise me you won't leave me." Nick was begging, pleading as he looked her in the eye. "Please..."

"I won't. Ever." she promised as she smiled down at him. "I'll never leave you."

His fingers were playing with her hair again, when her phone's screen turned on once more. Another missed call.

"Nick?"

"Yeah?" he seemed distracted as he explored every small, hidden detail of her face - her cheeks turned pink from the thought of him finding her beautiful.

"After we're done..." she began slowly, unsurely. "Will you come back to Kansas with me? To say goodbye?"

Nick's hands stopped their exploration as he looked at her - really looked at her - to see if anything was wrong.

"Goodbye?" he asked, confused. "Why would you say goodbye? That place is your home, you're a hunter and--"

"I'm quitting." she stated and there was a strange feeling inside her stomach as she said her thoughts out loud. "Ever since I met Dean I wanted to hunt and live the life he and his family had, but it takes so much... I love the boys and Cas and Jack, but I can't do it anymore." she smiled when Nick started to stroke her side in comfort. "You're my last case. And I want to enjoy the aftermath forever."

The truth was that she couldn't afford losing anyone else. She was sure she wouldn't survive that.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." she let out a small laugh. "And maybe we can have that 'apple pie life' close to the bunker in case those morons still need my help."

Nick kissed her again, this time with love and passion, and she gladly kissed back. Her hands disappeared in his hair and she was about to leave some of her marks behind on the side of his neck, when her phone began to ring again.

"Talk to them." he said after they unwillingly broke apart. "I'm not going anywhere."

She grabbed her phone with a groan and accepted Cas' call as she lay down next to Nick, grabbing his hand and drawing invisible shapes into his palm.

"Hey, Cas. Sorry I didn't pick up before, I was in the middle of something just now. Is everything okay?"

She was barely listening.

All she could think about was her last case and the man she was willing to give up hunting for.

And she really hoped her found family will accept her decision without wanting to beat the crap out of the man she loved...

[sinningtamer]

Not sure if you’ve answered this before but what are your favourite fics and ships?

Love all your art btw! <3 Thx for all the food!

i might've years ago, so let's go again! i'm gonna answer this question as only NSFW/kink related, otherwise the list would be way too long haha

alright let's start with the obvious: ParviII is and always will be my #1 one ship, even when I dip in and out of the fandom a lot (i feel the term OTP is super outdated these days? but if there was one ship i could use it with it's them...)

so obviously i'm gonna say Talking Body and Payment and Payback by @sparxwrites. because. you know. how can i not. oh yeah, Good Vibrations is also a classic. hiii sparx, i'm sorry for picking your older fics, i just have such a bias. they've written a ton of great stuff over the years though, so go give the account a peak! there's something for everyone, especially if you like darker stuff.

...speaking of accounts with a lot of content who lurk around here, shoutout to @pawpunkao3. lmpᴇarI is one of my favorite ships, and they're still such a rarepair somehow?? anyways I think about Between Bedrock and a Hard Place at least once a week tbh. A New Religion That'll Bring You To Your Knees is fantastic, and i have a soft spot for I Spy (even tho i didn't watch too much empires). again, another author with a whole arsenal under their belt, so don't just take my word for it and check the rest of his fics!

back to lmpᴇarI being a rarepair... @thatstoomuchsoup has Chicken Soup for the Soulbounds (okay it's more pearI-centric but they're both there) and is another blog that specializes in some of my kinks and these fandoms. same with @anon-teddy's content, gotta give a shoutout to full. this is also making me realize i haven't sought out enough poly S0up Group or GᴇmpuIse/PᴇarIgem fics...maybe i'll get back to you on that...

there's a bunch of good explicit trᴇᴇbark fics, but i said i was gonna keep this list concise, so the only one i'll specifically point to is how to deal with your supernatural lust for blood (and other things) in a completely normal and god-honoring fashion. for...reasons. also because it's good!

edit: oh my GOD i realized two seconds after posting this i completely forget to mention @also-an-art. go read (this is) hungry work and honey don't feed it right fucking now. i've read both of these in full (pun intended) multiple times they're that amazing. it's rare that the plot is just as good as the horniness, when i tell you i lost my mind at some of the development in these. also hot and dirty (like the la air) is a guilty pleasure. AND it introduced me to a song that ended up being #20 on my spotify wrapped LOL (RPF warning on that one! trust me tho)

let's get to my other bias, shall we? RᴛSpiff and RᴛS00t don't....have any explicit fics. nor does poly lᴀds. CMRᴛ does, though! I'm kinda picky about how people characterize them, but play it cool and Every Stumble and Each Misfire are lovely (note that the second one is also blatant RPF! don't say i didn't warn you o7)

speaking of lᴀds, if you follow me on main, you know i got into Bᴀnᴀna Bᴜs Sqᴜᴀd just last year (I'M SORRY, OKAY, DON'T @ ME-) you'd think getting into an old fandom late would mean a ton of great smut fics, right? to be honest, i haven't found many that i care for, but maybe i'm just picky... however, i remember your lips, they're the ones i miss, and smoke in your lungs, your lips on mine are SO GODDAMN GOOD i'm not even mad it's only those two i like because i could reread them 20 times. god. such fun characterization. shame the author orphaned them because i badly wanna read more of their stuff.

this is the part where you go, spirit, do you read anything besides (mᴄ)yt fandoms??? and i go, not really.............well, sort of. i like 0verwatch! and M0icy!! Reciprocity is a delightful PWP long fic. i'm also not really an omegaverse guy, but Water Me has such a good take on it i fell in looove.

okay, i'm gonna cut myself off here, enough though i could probably name dozens of more fics if i sat and thought about it. if anyone i tagged wants to be untagged, feel free to reply here or shoot me an ask/dm!!

[vvatchword]

Freewrite Traveler versus Alphasmart Neo 2

So I have an Alphasmart Neo 2 and a Freewrite Traveler. One of these cost me about $300. The other cost me $30. And I'm about to give you a review because I love one of these things more than the other.

The Alphasmart Neo 2 is from the 00s and was used in classrooms to help kids practice typing without the distraction of a computer attached to the Internet. They come with some basic little functions like a calculator and are powered by three AAA batteries. They have eight files that can contain 10,000 words each, can copy, cut, and paste, and you can go back into the document to edit. There are no Undo or Redo functions. To transfer the files to your PC, you hook up a cable while the Alphasmart and your word processor of choice are turned on. That easy. The batteries last for-e-ver. I'm taking about years. I am on my second set of batteries and I've owned this dealio for five years or so with almost daily use. This thing cost me $30 plus s&h a few years ago. Word has gotten out about these, so they're more expensive than that these days, but not significantly so--maybe $50? You'll see some being sold for $100 or so but that's ridiculous tbh.

At the time I purchased the Alphasmart, i had already backed the Freewrite Traveler on Kickstarter for about $300. I felt pretty dumb and wondered if I would regret my choice.

As it turns out: yes. I do.

The Traveler uses the same kind of screen as a Kindle, has three files of infinite words each, is rechargeable, and can back up your work to the cloud and send your files to your email address. It's sleek, small, and exceptionally cute. I just like looking at it. But after getting it, I couldn't help but compare it to the Alphasmart, which kicks its ass every day.

Recharging sounds fine, but it runs out of juice FAST. A full day's work will knock it out; I ran out of juice anywhere from three days to three weeks, depending on how much I was using it. Inevitably there is a point you forget to recharge and wham bam fuck you ma'am, it's going to take four hours to charge now and you can't use it if it wound down to 0% while you were sleeping. It posts to the cloud, which you'd think is great--infinite words! Back it up anywhere you find free WiFi!--but to do this, you need to sign up for Postbox, a service through Freewrite, which means that if the company dies, so does the cloud feature. You can also transfer your files via the charging cable, so they thought of this, but it feels dangerous and a little disingenuous, not gonna lie.

Unlike the Alphasmart, you can't copy, cut, paste, or edit. When I say you can't edit, I mean that you can't arrow up to some previous point in the story and add or delete. The point of this feature--and it is a feature!--is to emulate typewriters and encourage first draft flow. Problem is, that's just not how I write. For $300, or whatever it's selling for now, I want to be able to use cut, copy, and paste, maybe even redo and undo, and I want to be able to go back and add extra bullshit. Also, the full-sized Freewrite has a backlight, but the Traveler does not. Why does my $300 machine not have a goddamn backlight.

The Traveler also has a hint of lag and it drives me fucking crazy. This may not be a problem for you if you hunt and peck or are a slower typist, but I type almost as fast as I think. I have gotten up to 190 wpm before. Long story short, Traveler can't keep up--but Alphasmart can!

The Alphasmart is also more comfortable to type on and takes up about as much room in a bag as the Traveler does--just lengthwise rather than width-wise, if it makes sense. The Traveler is better for a purse, perhaps, but it's just bulky enough that I sometimes found it troublesome to make room in my bags. It's about the size of a clutch when folded up.

At one point, I got caught in a rainstorm while my Alphasmart was in my backpack. The rain seeped into my backpack and ruined a book. Meanwhile the Alphasmart was like lol whatever do you feel like writing queen?

Anyway, I'm going to see if I can't sell my Freewrite. I'd rather have a second Alphasmart rofl

[sednonamoris]

dear john

Pairing: John Marston x gn!reader

Summary: A year’s worth of letters, never sent.

Warnings: Angst, canon-typical language, epistolary chapter, emotionally constipated idiots

Word count: 1,236

A/N: I think the prior chapter does a lot of legwork for this one, but I really wanted to cover John's missing year in a succinct way that still got across the complicated feelings and hurt that came with it. I'm still deciding the direction the next two or three chapters will go - if we head straight to Blackwater and dig into the game's timeline at last or spend some more time before all that. All this to say the next updates might take a bit longer. If you have anything you really want to see please let me know!!

Series masterlist • AO3

—

Marston,

Goddamn you right to hell you stupid, yellow-bellied bastard. Too much of a coward to even say goodbye. Best friends, was it? Real funny way of showing it to leave me behind like that. A few weeks to clear your head I can understand, but over a month seems an awful long time.

I would have followed you anywhere.

Guess you didn’t care to have me along.

Ghost

—

Dear Marston,

I don’t have an address to post this to, but don’t think I’ll let you off easy. You don’t want to raise this kid? Fine. But you should come home. I miss The gang could use you. Arthur and I got a good lead on a bank but you know how twitchy the trigger fingers are on these Callander boys. 

I am fine, thanks for asking, and so is everyone else. Arthur is even madder than I am, so I wouldn’t expect letters from him anytime soon.

Ghost

—

Dear Marston,

There’s more work to be done between me and Arthur now that you’re not here to share the load. Arthur says you weren’t much help anyhow, but as much as I hate you for leaving we both know that ain’t fair. Tried to hunt rabbit with him the other day and he shot them all full of holes. Pearson almost laughed him out of camp when he went to hand in a brace anyhow. You at least remember to switch your ammo. 

My point is that we could use you, wherever you are. You’re a rotten friend for leaving like that.

Ghost

—

Dear Marston,

It’s awful tiresome being mad at you. I wish you’d come back so I could stop pretending and everything could go back to normal. 

Jack don’t know any better, little as he is, but Abigail misses you about as much as she curses your name. Dutch and Hosea miss you more, and Arthur does too even if he won’t say it. The worst is people who act like you’re dead, not gone. Almost knocked Bill’s teeth out for that the other night. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that wherever you are I hope you’re happy, because we sure ain’t. 

Ghost

—

Dear John,

Camp’s on the move again. If you ever bother to come back I’m sure you’ll be able to track us, but I had to say it just in case. Like you’re even reading this letter I can’t send. 

The country out this way is even more beautiful than I dreamed. Growing up in a desert gives you a real appetite for green, and these plains go one forever and ever. We passed a river the other day with grey waters - nothing close to San Luis blue. It made me think of you and drowning. When Javier caught my stare he said he’d take me fishing. Maybe I’ll catch some real bass, not like Arthur’s pretend ones two summers ago. 

Ghost 

—

Dear John,

You’ll like our new camp. Everyone does. Even Trelawny crawled out of whatever fancy-pants hole he’s been in to drop a visit. He has a lead on a big blackjack game two towns over. Dutch wants Arthur to play. These little plains towns are small but there’s real money in some of the landowners.

I’ve got my eye on some nice horseflesh but Dutch wants me playing bodyguard just in case. I told him to send Davey instead and got a lecture on trust and family. He gave me that sad look at the end that always means he’s missing you.

Guess I ought to say I miss you too. 

Ghost

—

Dear John,

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never see you again, and other times it’s like you could walk into camp any second, easy as you like. Sometimes I see you in people we pass on the road, or in towns. Sometimes I feel it in my chest that you’re gone, like I’m missing a piece. 

I hope you’ve been safe, wherever you are. Hell, I even hope you have someone watching your back out there. We both know it should have been me, but it’s a little late for that now. 

I think about what I would have said if you’d asked me to come with you some nights that I can’t sleep. This gang is my family. I know I would have gone with you, but I also know I would have regretted it in the end. Maybe it’s better this way. Sure don’t feel like it. 

Your Ghost

—

Dear John,

I haven’t been fair to Abigail at all. Guess I needed you to leave us both to see that. She’s a hard worker and a natural mother and Jack is lucky to have her. I think you were too. Maybe you still are, if she’ll have you.

I caught Arthur making eyes at her across the fire the other night. If Mary Linton’s hurt weren’t so fresh I think he’d let her make an honest man of him.

I don’t know that anyone can make an honest man of you. 

If you ever come back maybe I’ll try. Or at least we can go on being dishonest together. Best friends, right? Since you left these letters have been my friends, and I have to tell you they’re a sorry replacement. 

Ghost

—

The day of John’s return happens just like you said; easy as you please. He rides in on his chestnut mare, one hand on the reins and the other shading his eyes from harsh midafternoon sun. There’s a guilty look shadowed on his face and the shyest smile you’ve seen on that sharp mouth of his.

You want to kill him. You want to kiss him. You settle for a withering glare he has the good sense to cringe from. 

“Where the hell have you been, asshole?”

“Lot of places,” he says, “but I… finally figured it was time to come home.”

Home. 

He says it while looking right at you. 

You should kill him. You should kiss him. But just like that he’s forgiven.

Dutch makes a speech and the gang welcomes him back each in their own way and you think Hosea even starts to cry. Abigail smacks him the second he gets close enough and then kisses him full on the mouth. John looks stunned, holding his face, and Arthur glares, and you still don’t know what to do with yourself. You just sort of stand there while your world tilts on its axis and watch it spin. 

When the night has finally quieted and everyone else has gone to bed you sit at the fire alone and burn the letters. Ink turns to ash. Every bit of love and longing trapped in those pages goes out into the air, smoke on the wind. 

From that smoke John appears, his eyes full of sorrow and regrets and a heartbreaking hope that has your chest in a vice grip. 

You rise slowly, like he’s some wild animal you might spook. Then before you have a chance to react he closes the distance between you and holds you close enough to hurt. In the crush of his embrace it finally registers that you have your friend back. Your best friend. Your John. 

“I really missed you, you know,” he rasps into the fabric of your shirt. 

“I know,” you say through the tears. “I know.”

“I know,” you sniffle through the tears. “I know.”

[fanfic-recs-01]

Reddie Fics

This is just a list of all the Richie Tozier/Eddie Kaspbrak fics I like on AO3, if you have any recs for me feel free to send me some!

Updated 9/19/23

Runaway Now and Forevermore by AlexSW97

~Richie and Eddie run away together in 1994 and return to Derry in 2016 as actual bickering husbands.~

richie tozier: not an asthmatic by walmartofficial

~“I’m getting word that I’m not allowed to tell this joke,” he tells the audience, “but it was gonna be about eating ass, if that wasn’t clear.”~

move in, mess my place by bebe8s

~Stan motions to the two new guys in the room. Eddie doesn't even have time to focus on Bill, because he's too distracted by the lanky boy sprawled out across his bed. With his dark curls and pale skin, it's undeniable. It's the guy from last night.

"Well, hello there, princess." Richie says with a smirk, and Eddie can feel the flush in his cheeks.~

walk me home in the dead of night by QueenWithABeeThrone

~Richie Tozier met Eddie Kaspbrak for what they both thought was the first time in a shitty New York dive bar, sixteen years ago.~

fruit from a forbidden tree by glorious_spoon

~a week before he's supposed to get married, Eddie hooks up with a stranger in a bar, and it changes the trajectory of his life.~

we belong to the sound of the words by ShowMeAHero

~Eddie’s got a messenger bag across his shoulders and, when they’re brought out to Richie’s autograph table, he’s glad he brought it. It’s full of tissues, hand sanitizer, granola bars, mini water bottles, zinc tablets, lozenges, and anything else he could think to grab. The con floor is fucking packed, and Richie’s got a whole goddamned line of fans waiting for him that scream and cheer when he comes out.~

Put Those Colors On by TheMightyChipmunk

~Set in a universe where you don't see color until you hear your soulmate laugh, Eddie really doesn't think Richie is funny. I wonder how that's going to work out for them.~

cherry cordial by ShowMeAHero

~He’s staring down hard at his phone, scrolling aimlessly through Facebook without reading anything, when someone bumps into him. Whoever it is grabs the pole, their hands brushing against each other’s.

Right in his ear, the guy says, “Fucking shit, you’re hot.”~

walk through fire for you by hyruling

~His eyes properly well up now. Richie has only seen Eddie cry a handful of times in his adult life, so he’s fairly concerned. He drops down to sit across from Eddie and takes his hands in his.

“Eddie baby, now you’re scaring me, why are you crying?”

Tears track down Eddie’s cheek, and he all but wails, “Cause you’re engaged!”~

Morphine by inoubliable

~They all crowd around Eddie's bed, their faces shimmering a little. Eddie has to squint to make out their features, and he laughs once he does. They all look so worried. Eddie feels great.

"Oh my God," Stan says, at the same time that Richie says, "He's high."~

Lips Like Fire by yallreddieforthis

~When Richie finally convinces the Losers Club to light up with him he needs to find an... 'alternative way' to get Eddie high without giving him an asthma attack.~

The 'Do Not Fucking Touch Me' Tour by loserchildhotpants

~Richie Tozier's taken up writing his own material for once, and it could absolutely ruin him~

anything for a fan by zach_stone

~It was fine, though. Just a stupid little celebrity crush; a safe, inaccessible outlet for Eddie’s deeply suppressed gay thoughts. He could pine away over Trashmouth Tozier from the comfort of his living room, clicking on video compilations with titles like “Top 10 Trashmouth Interview Moments” and only feel vaguely guilty.

And then, of course, he gets a call from Mike Hanlon in Derry.~

nor rivers drown it by theparadigmshifts

~"We promised to confide in each other, and cherish each other, and sustain each other, and all that jazz.”

Stan stares at her, blinks twice.

"And right now, that means going back to your horror-show hometown, and facing your trauma, and potentially killing a demon. Together."

Or: When Mike calls from Derry, Patty answers the phone instead.~

lost inside a moment (with you) by anniebibananie

~In which Richie is always pretending to be Eddie’s boyfriend, Eddie fucking hates it, and finally Eddie decides two can play that game (it is not a total disaster… depending on your definition of total disaster).~

Everywhere, All At Once by EvieSmallwood

~Eddie bites his lip, tucking his hands deeper inside the pockets of his sweatshirt. It’s actually not even his, it’s Richie’s; a faded band logo, a hole by the collar, the faint smells of cigarette smoke and laundry detergent.... it’s like Richie’s with him, which is all Eddie really wants.

Which could be why he’s walking to Richie’s house at one in the morning.~

Party Foul by sundaise

~Crashing a stranger’s birthday party isn’t usually a part of Eddie’s weekend plans. Neither is unknowingly chatting up the cute dark haired comedian... who happens to be the roommate of said birthday boy.

“So, how do you know Stan?”

Eddie’s blood runs cold with shock as soon as the innocent question leaves his lips. “Oh, uh,” he shrugs nonchalantly, like it’s no big deal, “I’m dating his roommate.”~

Must Love Dogs by TheMightyChipmunk

~When Eddie sees a dog, he's gotta pet it. Even when he is stuck in traffic.~

I Didn't Know There Were Wizards in California by spotlightonmringenue

~Will ignores a timid reply from his classmate, his focus fully on this strange interloper that could be his best friend’s twin.

Evil twin, as Dustin would say, his voice low and incriminating. Ultraman type shit. Will considers relaying the situation on their upcoming weekly call to make the current situation less unsettling.~

Playing for Keeps by LogicalBookThief

~Richie and Eddie go on a game show for couples. Nobody expects them to be such a dream team. And nobody suffers as much as the host.~