#and when I tried to compare myself to the person that did my job before me

[haasegawa]

it is such an experience when your best friend is male huh?

[sits-bound]

One year of fanbinding!

I keep thinking "I'm really new at this still" but I guess after a year, it's like, you don't have a puppy anymore, you have a dog. So now I'm in the dog phase of this hobby.

(I didn't make all of these, some were acquired in exchanges.)

In the past year, I have made around 54 books. (For the purposes of my sanity, I am not counting journals or sketchbooks, nor am I counting author/artist copies if the design was the same.)

54 books! In 52 weeks! That's basically a book a week!

Which binds are my favorites?

Ooh, that's hard. I tried to limit myself here, but these all are very special to me.

And I can't choose just one of these:

Honorable mention goes to this one, but I didn't design the typeset, so I can't take all the credit. But I do love the cover.

What's my favorite part of making books?

It's not surprising to me that typesetting is my favorite part. I designed a book for a local museum in 2007, and loved the process. Before that, I wanted to work in editorial design (I had a few jobs doing that in and after college, but that was in the olden days.)

I enjoy the part of physically creating the book too, but I find it a bit more frustrating. I'm not detail-oriented enough to make sure everything is perfect, and then I get frustrated when an endpaper is glued on slightly crookedly, or my text block isn't perfectly square. (Not that I have anyone to blame but myself!) That said, holding a completed book in my hands is the most satisfying feeling, after actually reading said book. I feel so smug when I'm reading a book I created.

I have a lot of imposter syndrome when it comes to the actual designing of covers. I know my strengths lie in manipulating existing content instead of creating it from scratch. So I need to stop comparing myself to other creators, and just do my best. We all have different styles, I tell myself.

What's next?

I'd like to learn how to sew endbands for once and for all. I have tried and given up in disgust so many times. I have watched so many videos and read many tutorials, and I just need someone to come to my house and show me in person.

I also would like to try to learn how to draw, a bit. I know I'll never be great at it, but I've also never tried to learn. I will be off work for a few months later this summer/fall, and I'd like to use that time taking some classes. Even if I could just draw designs to use on my covers, I'd be happy. I don't expect to be able to draw things or people.

I wanted to take up this hobby for a long time before I actually did it. I read through @armoredsuperheavy's guide like eighteen times before I worked up the courage to actually use it. So my advice to all of the people who tag my posts with "i wish i could do this" and "i want to do this"…do it!

[roxxiies]

First time ever requesting something haha

I've been in the MLBB fandom for years now but I never knew that there was a fanfic fandom for it??? I've been missing out for so long!

I'm attracted to so many MLBB men but I find myself being so into Yin personality wise, so I'm here to kindly ask for more fics about him.

I'm thinking suggestive but not necessarily smut. Just a dose of reader making him extremely flustered and worked up because she just read something interesting and she wanted to test it out and poor Yin goes along with it until he's hard and aching but he's too shy to ask for help from the oblivious reader who's treating the whole thing as a science experiment lol. At the end, she finally notices his pout and finds him adorable before giving him a hand job or something to help him out?

If you're not into that kind of thing, I would love a cute story from Yin's pov about how he gradually falls for reader and how she heals his trauma through the affection she shows him?

Thanks!!!

𝐘𝐈𝐍 𝐗 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑

TW: NSF(W), MASTURBATION. MNDI

a.n.: back and alive

To Yin's surprise, you took his debt joke a little too seriously, as he was now forced to come to your house immediately. The sun was yet to set when he made himself walk up to your house, his movement a bit sluggish from the intense training he just did as he lifted himself inside your window.

His eyes, although seemingly tired, couldn't mistake the mat on the floor as you carefully laid them.

“Hi, what are you—”

“Yin! I'm so glad you came!” You beamed as you noticed him and gently ushered him to lay on the mat. You then continued, your voice betraying your excitement, “I’m trying something out! I'll be proposing yoga exercises to my patients whenever they experience strains in their body. And since you owe me a favour and quite a regular, you'll help me!”

Yin wouldn't deny his frequent visits, he claims that he's helping you practice your healing skills. He would then often try to cause trouble or injure himself during trainings just to have your attention solely back to his.

But this was different, you were the one asking his presence now... and that made his heart flutter in his chest despite how tired he was with his earlier training. Of course, he agreed on the spot.

He carefully sat on the mat and his exhausted mind tries to comprehend your suggestion. He sheepishly chuckles at your last sentence, “But... I barely know yoga.”

“Don't worry, it’s similar to your training but more… relaxing, I guess?” You sort of assured him and lifted a paper with the listed exercises you had readied earlier. “And maybe you'll finally stop having daily trips to my house just because you have strains.”

For the last few hours, it was thanks to Yin's training that most of the exercises were finished and now suggested for your yoga plan. Then there was the ‘upward dog’ where he let out a chuckle at the name.

You scolded him immediately and he quickly frowns as you ordered him to lie on his stomach, his face showed scepticism as you moved to crouch just a few feet away from his head.

“Then, place both of your hands, laid flat on the surface, parallel to your chest below it. Then, lift your head—like, with your shoulders,” You gently guided his chin to raise until you were satisfied with his position as he let out a grunt at the effort. You smiled and moved to his side while crouching and placed a slight pressure on his back. “Does that feel good? Did you feel something on your back?”

Yin’s hands faltered briefly as he felt your gentle touch on his back, his tone barely relaxed, “Back feels nice…”

You stood up and scribbled on your notes with a hum, “Alright, next position: the plank pose. I'm sure you're familiar with this one.”

He nods as he gently shifted his position. His movements were much more shaky beneath your gaze compared to when he does it alone. He lifted his body just a few inches from the floor, and you quickly noticed the slight arch.

You slipped your hand below him and carefully made his stomach area lift up to have his back straight, his breath hitching as he shakily followed your guidance and quietly whimpered.

"Hmm, are you sure you do this daily?” 

“Yeah…” he murmurs in a shaky tone.

You only hummed and just proceeded to do more exercises. However, whenever you guide him to a pose from a pose, he reluctantly denies your help because he knows you'll notice it right away. Because one after the other, his body feels hot and hotter.

“Yin. Yin, are you listening? I said, lift your hips higher—like, push your hips outward.” 

“I… c-can’t.” He grunts. Of course, he can't do it, it'll obviously leave a mark.

You let out a frustrated sigh as you had to press his back more outward for his lower back to stretch. But once he felt your touch again, his eyes widened, and he let out a surprised gasp. He was afraid you'd see it from up close— The thought itself made the strength in his arms waver and made him fall down on the mat.

You gasped as worry took over your expression. You immediately sat beside his scrunched form and gently massaged his hips where most took the damage. He let out a quiet whimper at the touch as he tried to weakly push your shoulders, afraid that you'd see his hard on.

“Yin, I'm trying to help—”

“P-please—I can't take it anymore…”

You frowned. “I mean, we'll take a break. But why so sudden— Oh.”

Yin swallowed as he trailed where your gaze was, and he immediately tried to cover himself, his tone shaky in embarrassment. “S’rry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. It's just that you're so close and—” and I need you badly.

It took a lot in you to not back away and disappoint your favourite patient. Even if Yin was a headache to deal with everyday, you can't deny you've taken a liking of him recently. And maybe it's the reason you've specifically called him and not your other friends. But it's like, your day wouldn't be complete without his beaming face looking at your way.

You swallowed and let out a soft sigh, “I see… do you want me to...”

You trailed off and Yin's eyes shot up at you, his expression weary as he shakes his head, “It’s fine... I won't force you to do anything.”

But once he heard your soft giggle and your reassuring words, he let out a sigh and finally let his urges take him over completely. He captured your lips in a passionate manner as you shifted to straddle his legs. Your own lips match his fervour as you briefly gasp to take a breath and back again.

He groans once on your lips as he feels your hands roam around his hips. He fumbled to open his pants and brought down his boxers. He sighs in relief as he finally lets it free.

Your hand gently wraps over his, and he groans from the touch. You admired his length and gave it a few jerks.

He moved his hands to your hips as he pulled you closer and nuzzled his face on your neck, he breathed a low sigh, “You could just give me this— I'll be, Ill be fine.”

You gave it a few more pumps as he felt his body getting warmer. You gently lifted your palm to tease his tip, and he whimpers as you feel him hug you tighter. You smeared the precum you collected from his tip across his cock as you felt its pulses under your touch, he let outs a gasp again.

Your chest was flush against his now, and you whispered, your voice sultry but soft, “Your cute sounds make you irresistible, baby. Try to slack that pretty mouth more f’me, ah?”

Yin's flustered face looks up at you briefly and his lips finds your lips once again, his breath shaky as he intertwines your tongue with his. He groans as he feels you hastening your movement, he hides his face again.

You giggled at the sight of the current state of Yin and couldn't help but remember his usual playful and carefree attitude you fell in love with. You preferred him this way, you thought.

You sped up as your other hand caressed his toned abdomen, your fingers roam around his abs and you gasped as you felt him suddenly jerk his hips to meet your hand. He muttered a quiet sorry as you licked your lips and you stilled his hips and your movement. He groans in frustration, but you only chuckled and couldn't help but tease your pretty boy, “You're close, aren't you?”

He frantically nods as his face is still nuzzled on your neck, and he shakily whimpers, “Y-yes, baby—please, keep moving.”

You huffed, continued to pump his cock again, and hastened your movements. He gasps as he feels that knot inside of him about to snap, and his abdomen tightens as he holds you tighter. His breathing quickened, and with a last jerk of his hips, he shoots pretty white strings, and he groans loudly. It coated up your hand and some on his chest. He tried to calm his breathing but whimpered as he heard your giggle again.

“You sound so angelic when you come, Yin. Makes me want to do it again.” Your soft tone made him huff in embarrassment as you gently pulled him away from your chest to see his flustered expression.

He frowned, his face still heated and he swallowed, “Don’t.. don't just casually say that.” He grunts as he feels you put himself back in his pants and wipe his waste off of him and on your hand with a napkin.

“How can I? It makes me want to keep you all to myself.” You grinned, your tone teasing as you tossed the napkins away in your trashcan. But you won't deny, keeping him to yourself is indeed such a dream.

His heart flutters but still embarrassed by the whole situation. You looked at his expression, and you hummed as if thinking, then you smiled cheekily and said, “How about it, Yin? Will you be my boyfriend?”

back to all my work . . .

[bakuhatsufallinlove]

since the general fanbase seems to find calebs translations questionable, is there any translators you'd recommend instead? (if you answered this before i couldnt find it, so sorry if its an FAQ)

The general fanbase does not speak Japanese, so first I would recommend you not take their opinion into account.

I am not trying to be combative, I’m serious. About 85% of the hatred for the official translator stems from things that have absolutely nothing to do with the quality of his work. 10% of the hatred claims to be about the quality of his work, but comes from people who do not actually speak Japanese and therefore have no place judging it. Only 5% of the negativity I've seen has any real merit as translation criticism.

For the record, I’m not going to address the source of that 85%, because the quality of a person’s character is objectively irrelevant to assessing whether their translations are accurate or effective. What you or I think about the official translator is of no importance. Shitty people can be good at their job. That’s just a fact.

The official translations are overall accurate, effective, and of high quality. Viz obviously has in-house standards for tone and aesthetic in translation; they have an existing “shonen” branding adapted for American audiences. It is about marketing. This is evident in all of their published works. Some people find the tone and aesthetic off-putting—this is totally understandable, I’m not particularly a fan myself.

Generally, the worst you tend to get with the official translations is somewhat weird or exaggerated characterizations and the occasional missed thematic callback. The worst you get with the fan translations that are popular is them being factually wrong at times—as in, their translator simply did not know the meaning of the words they tried to translate. It's not that mistakes never happen in the official, but the Viz translator is fluent in Japanese and translates as his full-time occupation. He works with Japanese fluidly and constantly. He knows what he’s doing. When fan translators falter, it is usually because they are clearly not fluent, and this is something they do out of passion or for fun in their free time.

I typically avoid criticizing the fan translations for this reason, despite their issues. I myself translate out of love and enjoyment; I don't want to harsh on anyone's good time or discourage fan activity. I bring this up only because many people put the fan translations on a pedestal while promoting scorn and distrust of the officials.

But you asked me for recommendations.

So, I will tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes: if I loved a series that was written in Spanish, I would read the official English translation. If someone told me some important things are glossed over in the official release, I would surely look into those—but only take the perspectives of Spanish speakers into account, because how are English speakers supposed to know what’s what? I would compare those perspectives (because there is no way everyone will have the same opinion) and see if there are any other translations, while looking to understand what the rationale is for the differences therein.

And then I would come to my own conclusions about the characters and the story, because in the end our relationship to media is personal. What the story means to me and what I think the creator was trying to do is fundamentally up to me to decide.

I grew up in the era of bootleg anime and manga with nigh-incomprehensible translations and official releases with butchered, thoughtless dubbing, released seven years after the series already ended. By comparison, what we have today—cheap or even free releases available simultaneously or within two weeks of the Japanese release—is fucking magnificent. It is the result of many people working incredibly hard all the time. I don't think we should take that for granted.

No translation will ever be perfect. Human beings are not perfect, we all have biases and our own interpretations and reactions to media. Our relationships to stories are personal. This includes translators.

I disagree with the official translator on a few things, particularly in regards to characterization. But I don’t think that ruins the official release, and I don’t think anyone should shun or scorn it on the whole. We should engage curiously and thoughtfully about why it is the way it is, and what else can be gleaned from the original text.

Having said all that, you actually inspired me to do a little series examining the wins and losses of the official release, so please look forward to that.

[wheelsvoid]

HOME ; STRANGER THINGS

⇢ you don’t have a place to call home, or a family, and you keep it a secret from your friends. however, they find out and find a way to help you without your knowing

masterlist

genre: platonic, angst with a happy ending

word count: 1,674

warnings: one curse word, and the reader doesn’t have a good life outside of school so keep that in mind ofc

request: “Heyyyyyy for a platonic stranger things imagine could be like an orphan and friends with the gang and no one knows about Rs's situation but El looks for r one time and finds out about Rs's bad living situation (maybe homeless?) and the crew rally around their friend and hopper adopts r?”

tried my best, here you go!

Jealousy was something I was very familiar with. I knew it well enough to call it a friend, but I hated it enough to wish it would leave me forever.

I never knew myself to be such a jealous person until I made all the friends I did. I was typically quite kind, and forgiving, and I only got angry when justified. Still, my jealousy never left me.

All my friends had homes, and at least someone to go home to. I had nothing and no one. Their lives weren’t perfect, but the little voice in my head always told me that mine was worse, even if it wasn’t fair to compare.

I found ways to hide my lack of a real life. I often stayed at Lucas’ house, or Mike’s. I had sleepovers, and their parents didn’t mind. I stayed long enough to look as though I was hanging out, but I left before they could think to call my mother or father.

It was embarrassing to depend on others for a bathroom, or a bed, or food, or anything necessary to live a normal life, but I had nothing else.

They never had to know, anyway.

I was the first one at Starcourt Mall today, seeing as I had taken the early bus. I watched as all my close friends left the large vehicle with smiles on their faces, smiling back at me when they saw me leaning up against the wall.

“Y/N!” El ran up to me in excitement. She gave me a hug, and I laughed as I hugged her back. When the boys got closer, with Max by their sides, Lucas, Will and Dustin each gave me a high five, and Mike gave me a fist bump with a grin.

“What took you guys so long?” I raised a brow, sending a teasing grin as we made our way in the mall. “I’ve been here a whole hour longer, waiting.”

“Oh, we’re so sorry that you had to wait.” Lucas sympathized, dramatically holding a hand over his heart.

“It was Mike’s fault, anyway.” Max said. “He got into an argument with Nancy over who got the last pancake.”

I laughed loudly. “Typical.”

And the energy was up the entire day, too. We went to the movies, sneaking through the back thanks to Steve (who grew more regretful for letting us do so the first time every time we saw him). Afterwards, we went back to Scoops Ahoy to each grab an ice cream.

I was glad for my job, from Tuesday to Saturday every week, so I could pay for my own ice cream. I worked after school each day, not having to worry about a curfew or anything of the sort. I only had myself, and the longer I worked the better. I liked feeling as though I was in a normal environment for a teenager, even if it was just a café.

On the way out of Scarcourt Mall, Max turned to me. “Hey, Y/N, wanna go to your house this time?” We typically went to one of our houses after our meet ups, and hung out the rest of the day. However, the thought of doing so this time scared me. I had no place to call home. “I just realized, we’ve never been.”

For a moment, my eyes were wide and I went pale, but I relaxed a second later. I played it cool. “No, thanks. I’d rather go to Mike’s, I wanna see Nancy anyway. And my house is a mess today. Maybe another time.”

At this point, I was digging my own hole. Another time? I couldn’t keep denying them. They’d figure it out eventually.

Max, Lucas, Will and El frowned in confusion, but Dustin and Mike were blissfully unaware of my slip up. “Sounds fun.” Dustin cheered.

And it was fun. I spent as long as I could at their house without seeming lost, or alone. I tried my best to fit in. And I was hopeful that I did.

How could I have known that I’d worried the others, leaving them to talk as I left to go fill in for my coworker on a Sunday?

———

“I’m worried about Y/N.” Will admitted. “They were acting… weird.”

“I noticed too.” Lucas sighed, leaning forward from his spot on the couch downstairs.

“Wait, what do you mean?” Mike frowned in confusion.

Max turned to him, raising a brow. “You didn’t notice?”

Mike stared, “no…?”

“They looked…” Max had to think about it for a second. She had to think of the right word. Then it hit her. It was fear that she’d seen. “Scared.”

“Why would they be scared?” Dustin asked. “We go to each other’s houses all the time, right?”

“Not Y/N’s.” El said. “We’ve never been.”

For a moment, everyone was silent. They were either lost in their thoughts, or unsure of what to say.

Will spoke next, sounding hesitant. “Are they okay?” His voice was so soft, it could only be heard due to the quietness of the room.

———

After school the next day, Mike had come up to me and told me that El wanted to hang out at her house, but since I hadn’t given them my phone number, she asked him to tell me. I was glad that El wanted to hang out, and I was glad that she wasn’t scared to ask.

I told him I’d love to, and he grinned, telling me he’d call her and let her know I’d be over after school.

Since I had nowhere to go, I began my walk from school, all the way to Hopper’s cabin in the woods. It was a long, exhausting walk. But I was glad to make it before it’d gone dark (and lucky it wasn’t that long of a walk).

When I saw the small cabin, I felt relief. Despite my aching legs, I began jogging to the front door. I was more than excited to see El after not seeing her all day. It would be nice if it was safe enough for her to join us at school.

I knocked on the door, waiting patiently for it to open. Hopper opened it, and it wasn’t a surprise for me that it was him. He had to, to keep El safe from any unwanted visitors. He could play it off as the only resident in the cabin if he wanted to.

“Hello, Hopper.” I grinned. “Can I come in.”

Hopper smiled like he was expecting me, but there was something else shining in his eyes that worried me. “Sure, kid.”

I had always liked Hopper. He was kind to me, and grew kinder over the years, too. He was special.

As I walked in, putting my bag down that held all of my belongings, I looked around in search of El. I saw her door, which was opened only a couple inches, quickly guessing for her to be in there. As I took of my shoes, Hopper stood a few feet away.

“Before you hang out with El, would you mind if we talked?”

I looked up at him, somewhat surprised but mostly confused. As I finished untying my laces, I nodded, kicking off my shoes and getting to my feet. “Yeah.” I said, but it sounded like more of a question.

Hopper led me to the living room, and I glanced at El’s door which did not open any more. He sighed as we both sat down on the couch that fit perfectly in the room.

He was silent for a while, like he was thinking of what to say, before his voice broke through the silent space. “The kids told me that you seemed… off yesterday.” He said.

I held my breath. Had they figured it out? Did I mess up? How much did they know? How did they—

“They just want to make sure you’re okay.”

I stared at him, unsure if I looked as calm as I wanted myself to. I was sure I was showing some of my fear. Still, I nodded. “I’m okay, why wouldn’t I be?”

Terrible answer. Now he’ll never let me leave. Shit.

He looked at me, frowning. “Well, they told me that you’ve never given them your number, and that you never let them stay over.” He said softly, “and that you never talk about your family, and that you get nervous whenever they bring anything up.” He sighed. “We’re just worried, kid.”

I held my hands together, unable to look away from them now. I didn’t know what to say. Why had I gone silent? I’d never be able to play it off now.

But what if I needed some help?

“What’s going on at home?”

I chipped away at my blue nail polish, which Max had lended me. “I have no home.” I said.

I could feel Hopper’s eyes on me. “None at all?”

I let out a shaky breath. “None.”

He was quiet for a second. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I… didn’t know how.” My voice was quiet now. Gentle. “I didn’t want to ruin anything.”

Hopper put a hand on my shoulder, causing me to look at him. He looked sad, and sympathetic, but mostly heartbroken. “How would it ruin anything?”

“I didn’t want them to have anything else to worry about.” I said. The weight on my chest felt a little bit lighter. “I didn’t want to… make things worse, I guess.”

They already had so much to deal with.

“I promise you,” he made a point to look me in the eyes. “That nothing you could ever say or do would ruin anything. They would always help you. I would.” I couldn’t control the way my lip quivered, and as Hopper squeezed my shoulder, he asked me a question that made me feel like I could breathe again. “You want to stay with me?”

A tear slipped from my eye and I nodded, “yeah.”

He smiled softly, pulling me in for a hug. “Okay.”

[polyamzeal]

I’m struggling hard with comparing myself and projecting.

My partner decided to start dating again after several years in what was a really rough place in my life. I was starting a new job that had all these plans to grow and expand our relationship pinned to it. She decided to start dating the week before I got paid the first time and could implement any of these plans. It also happened to be a week after my dog of 10 years was put down for on going cancer and seizures. After a couple of bad communication moments and some struggles to emotionally catch up I ask if she could slow down some. Not because she didn’t have the right or needed my permission, but because I was really struggling to catch up and she was moving quickly. From the first day of “I think I need to make more connection with people” to three days later being told she has four dates set up the next week. During which she forgot to lock in our long standing dates and had to rearrange so we could have that date. Then I’m told I have to leave early on my date because the guy she has seen twice in the week since this all started is coming over. I was feeling so cast aside and not considered at all. The entire time she is holding my hand and telling me it’s all okay.

I canceled the date and let her have her date with the new guy but asked to have a long talk about communication and being avoidant with information. She agreed to help me that she would slow down some and said she was sorry for being thoughtless when it came to scheduling. Since she wasn’t going to be able to see new guy for another week due to his schedule. So I decided to not come over and deal with the choice of “get okay real fast with new guy or bail out as fast as I can after work” I hated being backed into a corner like that without discussing it with me first. So, we agreed to help me along through my hard time she would slow down. Next night comes along. I’m already feeling hurt that we canceled the date for some guy she has known less than 2 weeks and he tried to cancel because of something with his dog. So she packs up her stuff goes over and has a topless make out session with him. Which we discussed after as definitely “not slowing down” and that this is her choice but she agreed to help me she would so I’m struggling to believe her when she says sweet or kind things to me because I think she is telling me what I want to hear.

I skip forward and I’m saying okay let’s meet this guy. Anytime I have been anxious about my wife dating when I have met the person I have been disarmed and more comfortable. So we meet. I wore a button up and some slacks. He wore sweatpants and no underwear which left nothing to the imagination. He is about 7 inches taller than me and built. He is literally everything social media and society tells me women want. I can’t be literally any of the things he can and it scares me to death that I’m just going to be set aside.

What is worse and makes it so hard is I struggled so much to make conversation or find him comfortable. This has ALWAYS happened with my other previous metas. It makes it so much scarier.

When this first started my partner and I did this sexual bucket list of thing we wanted from each other and now I can stop picturing her doing this with someone else and being left at home like my wants don’t matter. The hardest part is my partner and I have almost the exact same bucket lists and I was so blown away by someone who wanted these thing with me but now I’m scared I’ll never get those things and I’ll have to watch her have them with other people.

My partner is being kind and helpful but I’m having so much trouble not feeling hurt by her even when she hasn’t done anything wrong and it’s scaring me that I feel so guarded with her right now.

As you can see I’m overwhelmed by my insecurities right now.

It sounds like you are doing lots of things right. You are having lots of communication and clearly asking for what you need but not being pushy about it. Honestly it sounds like the biggest thing is just working on what is causing your insecurities. Fear can make us a bit crazy at times and blow everything out of proportions. I am always saying that PolySecure by Jessica Fern is an overrated book but I think this is the exact perfect situration to recommend the book.

Personally I think that while it is reasonable to ask her to slow down a bit for you the more important conversation should be about re-establishing what you mean to her. No good-looking guy should be able to shatter your self-confidence in yourself and your relationship if you are secure in knowing that what you bring to your relationship is unique and special. Focus on what is in your relationship instead of what isn't and what her other relationships might have.

[childofhypno]

just some thoughts from sherlock and co. Mailbag episode

honestly I did this to myself and at 3am no less.

In an mailbag episode on the sherlock and co. patreon, answering a question on their favorite musicals, John answered Les Misèrables. And being the romantic we know our loveable doctor to be, I was perusing the songs from the 2013 movie album and came across On My Own.

Sung by Èpoine about her unrequited love for Marius. And that is sad in its own regard, there's a reason it's one of the musicals most popular songs and Samantha Barks does a great job of that crushing emotional weight of being so wrapped in someone, so ultimately dazzled by them and wanting to be near them. But knowing they will not look at you the same, will not place the same value on the time and proximity you share. And that is not their fault and it is hard to love someone and desire to be close and yet have them be the source of your greatest pain and rejection, even though they may wish you no harm.

It's been hinted at and out right stated (by Sherlock) that John wants to be liked. And given what we've heard about John's last relationship (the one whereby he gained ownership of Archie after the split) and perhaps some insecurities there, insecurities in his own capabilities, comparing himself to others, its understandable to read John as something of an insecure man. Not in a toxic manner but John definitely has a lot of self doubts about himself and his place in the world and what he can offer to others. Despite him so naturally being able to attune to people and their needs and being quite bloody smart and intuitive. All round just a decent person.

And John, as much as anyone, marvels at Sherlock Holmes. This almost mythical figure. John admires Sherlock and maybe envies him on some level. I think not in Sherlock's deduction skills or specific knowledge skillsets but maybe in Sherlock's apparent surety in himself and where he is in life and what he wants from it. Sherlock is plainly himself, even if it means not "fitting in " John often tries to mould himself to what others might like, and hey, as a people pleaser, oh boy do I understand that. Almost becomes like muscle memory.

Sherlock in turn, I think admires John's social prowess. His ability to express the complexity of emotions. Just because someone doesn't emote the typical way doesn't mean they don't feel the emotions. And that can be incredibly frustrating when you want to communicate with others. Sherlock cares about people. He's interested in people. And he can't always express or connect with them in the way he wants. Like a language barrier he mentioned in another mailbag episode. That is why Sherlock and John work. They draw out in each other and supplement for the qualities they lack or yearn to have more of. They're a balancing act. A good one. And I'm not the first to point that out.

All this to say, imagine when that act is separated. The Fall. Grown so comfortable to have the other's support, always by each others side and then, suddenly the other person isn't there. And you have to remember how you functioned without them before. But you can't go back. You're not the same person you were. But if they aren't there to remind you, to encourage you, it's easy to fall back into old habits.

And so the song. On My Own. From John's perspective, watching the man the myth the dazzling legend that is Sherlock Holmes, getting swept up in the adventures, feeling totally out of place but thrilled be along for the ride, participating, maybe growing in confidence all because of coincidental flat share with possibly the most brilliant and bizzare man he's ever met. The world is changing for John Watson. And Sherlock is seemingly at the center of it all. He's found purpose. Friends. A home. Maybe more. But John is as fallible in his assumptions as any of us are. And Sherlock appears to have no interest in such relationships and John, not confident enough to make the first move. So he can daydream. Of what it would be like to be with Sherlock. And what it would be like be without Sherlock.

And then the Fall. And he truly is without Sherlock and his world has dulled and greyed and blurred. The city has lost its glimmer. The flat is quiet. The words are meaningless. And John sits with his what ifs.

Don't think of John hearing this song. Of the heartbreak of knowing that you can ever be with the one you love. And knowing that taste of what brilliant technicolours the world is when you were with them, full of stimulating twinkling lights. And thinking it could never be that way again. Don't imagine John, sat in the flat, in the achingly quiet flat, as a woman sings for her never was love, head in his hands, Archie resting his head on John's knee. Don't think of John cursing himself for not being sure enough to tell Sherlock how he felt, for not being good enough again to save his friend. Don't think of John Watson, once again, on his own.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I told my friend to stop telling me about his achievements?

I'll refer to this friend as Jason for simplicity's sake. Also, we're both autistic, in case you think that changes things in some ways I haven't been able to see.

Jason (21m) and I (21m) have been friends for about 6 years, we met each other at a school that's well-known for being hard to get into and stuff. He finished studying there and I didn't, I never learned how to study so I struggled there a bit. I messed up my papers so I also had to restart, making me be 1 year behind him. That solidified in his head that I'm an idiot.

I know that's a bold claim, but he has made it clear that that's what he thinks, specially when he said that there's nothing wrong with me not being smart because I am the most emotionally intelligent person he knows. Nowadays I'm better about it, but before, my intelligence was the only thing that made me me, so, of course, that hurt; I just went along with it, tho, because I didn't want to seem annoying or something.

I started uni some time during the start of the pandemic, things went alright, but then they wanted us to go back irl and I wasn't confident enough on the whole having learned anything that I decided to stop and go back later just one semester in; though what convinced me was that I was incredibly suicidal and figured it'd probably be best if I took a break and came back after some therapy.

Now, Jason had some self-esteem problems regarding intelligence himself around this point, thinking that he was lesser because he struggled in places were his other friends didn't. I refrained from telling him I felt the same before because I knew it would be dismissed or worse, seen as me telling him that he was indeed lesser by having similar problems to me *because* I am dumber than him.

Instead, I told him he was obviously smart, here you can imagine what I said. At this point I became the person he would go to to talk about school, when he struggled to reassure himself, when he did good to celebrate with someone who wasn't one of his other friends that might've seen that as something not worth celebrating. Occasionally he talked down to me as if expecting me to not understand certain concepts, but I ignored it because my emotions weren't important at the moment.

Now, I became a neet for almost 3 years and felt like complete shit about it the entire time, and Jason kept coming to me with the most recent news about whatever's going on in his life. I tried to not complain about my life and be supportive of him, but it started to get more and more grating the worse I felt and the better life went for him, paired with the occasional mention or allusion to me being dumb, I stopped talking mid conversation until I cooled off and could reply to him again.

I got a job fairly recently, Jason came with news about how he might go study abroad and I just can't stand it. I'd like to tell him to stop talking about this kinda stuff until I'm in a better place, maybe after going with a therapist that doesn't make me feel like shit and I go back to school, but I know he just wants to celebrate with someone. I'm happy for him, I truly am, but it's difficult to not compare your life to others, and right now I really am not the happiest comparing myself to him.

TLDR; I'm salty that my friend is living a better life than me and wish he would stop talking to me about his achievements until I feel in control of my own life.

What are these acronyms?

[sankttealeaf]

putting rue's letters she wrote to gale and gortash under the cut because idk where else to post them but the world has to read them too

i doubt theres any way to include them in the main fic because a) gale wont read his because rue is alive and b) gortash thinks its another taunt from orin and also won't read his

stupid men.

Gale, my love.

Please know there is nothing you could have done to change my mind.

With each day that passes I feel worse and worse with myself and you deserve something better than I can give right now. I’ve not been honest with you and the guilt is eating me alive, though I know it will be nothing compared to the hatred you will feel for me. I tried, countless times, to speak to you about this in person but my words get tangled in my throat and I end up pretending everything’s okay.

Everything is awful.

Since arriving in the city, since meeting Gortash, since getting a place here at the Elfsong I have lied to you every single day. You may already know, in fact I think you’re smart enough to have found out somehow.

I’ve been meeting with Gortash in secret. It started as a desperate attempt to regain my past but as each night went by and he told me less and less I realised I was going to him for other reasons. We’ve kissed. That’s the furthest we ever went. I need you to know this.

I’m going to finish this. By the time you’ve read this, there’s a high chance I may be dead. I want to end Orin, to destroy the temple of Bhaal and renounce my blood but I know that I will most likely not survive the outcome.

I love you. I really do. I think you were the first person I’ve ever said those words to. Love doesn’t sit well within me but with you it’s as easy as breathing. You were the best part of all of this and I’m glad fate fucked me so we could meet. You were the kindest person to me despite everything wrong in my blood and I have never felt hope as strongly as I have when I’m with you. I wish things were different. I would have loved going to Waterdeep with you, to meet Tara properly, to meet your mother, to have a nice life away from all this. There’s no soft endings for people like me. I understand that now.

And I’m sorry it has to end this way.

All my love,

Rue.

Gortash.

One day, you will die. Not by my hand, but by someone else’s who deserves to get their vengeance on the cruelties you put them through. If I could I would throw you to the masses for them to rip and tear into you but even then I think that death is too kind.

I didn't plan on writing this, nor am I entirely sure what I’m supposed to say. What do you say to someone you can’t ever remember loving? I truly believe she loved you. Rumour, that is. We both know we aren’t the same person anymore and it’s easier to think about her as a separate entity. Maybe that’s how I cope with what I’ve done. What we’ve done.

I think she loved you in such a way that it hurts me to see you go. Which is why I won’t be there. The thought of you dying kills me but I know I’m not supposed to feel like that. We were to die in each other’s arms when the whole world took its last breath. I can’t see you die before then.

I’m confronting Orin. Part of me knows that whatever happens, one of us will die. Maybe it will be me. Maybe this time she’ll finish the job. Or maybe Bhaal despises us both so much he plucks the blood from our bodies and kills us both. I’m fine with either.

I’m fine with death. A world with such kindness in it isn’t made for cruel hands like mine. I think I understand that now. I can only be forgiven if I leave this plane and that’s what I’m doing.

If our gods allow it, I would like to wait for you. Perhaps we can reconnect after death. You said that we will always find each other and I hope that whatever comes next for me, I will find you again. Maybe I’ll be a bird that nests outside your window. Maybe then I’ll finally feel free.

Enver. You were her friend. She did love you. I need you to know that. I’m sorry it’s come down to this. There’s no other way.

Forgive me.

Rue.

[ballcrusher74]

WOOOHOOOO IM ALLOWED TO ASK ALOT OF QUESTIONS YIPEEEE!!!!!

▪︎Do you have any fandom ocs but ARENT lethal company that youd ever like to talk about :0?

▪︎What ever happened to Jawbreaker's (your sona) homeplanet after he left, I remember the story was he was exceptional but insubordinate so like, did anyone get fired for letting that guy just scramble away

▪︎who is your favourite oc presently! :3 and have you any miscellaneous facts about them?

▪︎what's in the gyatt folder

▪︎ since Metronoia (I hope I spelled that right from memory) is a dimension/reality hopper, how does other realities effect his state of being, has there ever been a reality the guy found unpleasant or dare I say scary‼‼‼‼‼‼‼😲

CRAKCING FINGERS. YUES. I LOVE BEING AUTISTIC ABOUT MY OWN CHARACTERS.

Yes, I do ! I have some roblox ocs, two being for the game Regretevator ! Broseth is just a completely original guy that I had created based off one of my avatars, and Gamma Ray was kinda ... a shameless semi-self insert character to be buddies with one of my favorite characters in game (Mach)

I also have this guy, Tixton ! Based off the now deceased roblox currency, he was apart of a friend roblox oc group called Investors ! There's a long story to it all, but Tixton's whole deal was him being an undead ghost guy that was so hellbent on the idea of being alive again (he died with the removal of tix, and was young when that happened) that he basically tried to steal someone's body. I seem to have a liking for making undead / weirdly semi-undead characters, huh

Moving on from roblox, here's Bumbo ! A guy that was originally made for a fanbase I really don't wanna name, but has now been converted into a BBIEAL / Baldi mod oc ! Originally I was gonna kinda leave him the dirt after leaving aforementioned unnamed fandom, but my boyfriend helped me redesign him for his own Baldi mod / fangame ^_^ <3 Now he is my bumbling sweet baby boy

Now moving to . Ourple FNF ... ? There was this guy I created, Aerguhbee ! Though, I very much fell off of keeping up with Ourple / FNF stuff in general for a lot of reasons, I still kinda like this guy. He had a bit of a sloppy story, and it never really was even completed, but from what I remember- he was a trapped soul within a security monitor, killed in his place of work as a nightguard. The monitor served as an eternal purgatory for him called 'Moire Edge'. He was able to manifest a form outside of the monitor in order to lure others into his forever limbo, under the guise of becoming friends. If anything, I might just bring back this guy as a wholly original character since I do still kinda fuck with him

And, before going onto the next question (FINALLY), I'll throw in a bonus : Deacon originally wasn't LC related ! He was a Toontown : Corporate Clash oc, which is such a MAJOR contrast compared to how he is now LOL . I don't think he really had much of story when he was a TT:CC character, besides the fact of being secretly miserable about his job, but I think that's really it. I'll admit I kinda miss his really bright yellow, but I am so much more happier with him now (featuring my toon sona / oc in the last pic but this ain't about him)

As for Jawbreaker's home planet, they most likely are continuing on their lives as normal. Metsu probably does wonder where he went off to, but hey- not their problem anymore. As for what happened to the guards that failed to capture him again after his prison escape, they most likely were shattered (killed) and their resources recycled

THIS IS A TOUGH ONE. I think it's also just because all my original ocs are very personal to me and I genuinely treat them as parts of myself segmented into their own stories and worlds. Though, if I really have to pick one, I think it would be my art deity guy- which, I am kinda getting tired of just saying that, so I'll just say his name : Abstrakt Mondrian. He is very much an oc of mine that I hold close to my heart, especially considering his story deals with grief, and it almost sounds stupid to say he is an oc of mine that has helped me through a lot ? Also, design wise, I just really like him. Like, I'm not fucking joking when I say that I've had this guy for 4-ish years and his design has barely changed at ALL . It's crazy

Metanoia jumping to different dimensions does very much fuck up his appearance, and there have been a couple places he's found very dissatisfying or horrifying ! These dimensional distortions don't last whenever he exits the dimension that causes it, but it's not that pleasant for him in the moment. These distortions can range from very minimal things, things he can handle, such as a simple change of colors or height, to distortions that almost make him unrecognizable and feel uncomfortable in his own body. Here are some quick examples I did of those !

( Btw, distortions can be fucking crazy. The main thing about them is they could be literally any style and still work, so if anyone wants to take a crack at one you can literally go insane and do whatever LOL )

[cookies-and-music]

Ghost. - part 7: How do you plea?

This chapter's musical suggestion is Blood//Water by grandson.

Part 1 here - part 8 here

PAIRING: TVA!LokixOC

RATING: ALL

SUMMARY: Loki meets sombody at the TVA he once knew. Unfortunately she doesn't seem to remember him.

Time to bring some action here. All that sweetness and sadness was making me wanna puke.

TVA, 2021 – a few days later.

"I believe I know who you are."

"Well, Sylvie, since I also know who you are, I won't waste time introducing myself" Lydia opened the yellow folder containing all the documents related to the variant she had in front of her.

"Why did they send you?" Sylvie tilted her head, settling into the interrogation room chair.

"All the bad cops were busy," Lydia scanned the papers.

"I didn't know there were any good cops at the TVA."

"All the more reason why you should take advantage of the fact that it's me you've got," Lydia smiled coldly.

"I won't tell you anything," Sylvie spat.

Lydia refrained from rolling her eyes; losing patience wouldn't help. She had to find out what caused the NEXSUS event they and Loki had generated. It was her chance to move from consultant to actual analyst. Considering their entire existence was a mistake, comparing their files to those in the archive wouldn't be enough.

"And do you think your partner in the other room will keep his mouth shut?"

"Yes" Sylvie bared her teeth.

"Oh, come on. You know as well as I do how much he loves to talk" Lydia smiled.

"He knows the truth. The truth about the TVA and who works there" Sylvie leaned back, crossing her legs. "And about you."

"And what would he know about me?" Lydia sighed, bringing two fingers to her temple with a bored air.

"Everything. About how you betrayed him."

"And what about the TVA?"

Sylvie closed her mouth and looked away.

"Come on, Sylvie, we literally have all the time in the world. Do you really wish to spend it here?" Lydia spread her arms, but still, Sylvie didn't answer; she decided to press on.

"Let me make you a proposal, considering that I, at least, don't intend to spend the rest of eternity in this room: you tell me what caused the NEXSUS event on Lamentis-1, and I'll intercede for you with the higher-ups," she twirled a finger, "guaranteeing your survival."

Sylvie let out a forced laugh, shaking her head. "Your attempts are pathetic."

"Well, then let's hope my colleague in the other room is doing better than me" Lydia smiled acidly.

They stared at each other for a few seconds.

"Unlike you, Loki doesn't betray people who trust him."

"And you trust him, don't you?"

"The only person a Loki trusts is theirself" Sylvie crossed her arms.

Lydia observed her defensive posture and the way her gaze seemed to want to incinerate her.

"You know, someone once said that trust is the highest form of love" she leaned towards her.

"Then you really don't know anything about him," Sylvie mimicked her "there's nothing in the world that a Loki can love more than himself."

There it was. The NEXUS event. The opportunity to fall in love with oneself. What vanity enveloped Loki.

"Exactly," Lydia smiled bitterly.

Sylvie furrowed her eyebrows before widening her eyes. "What?"

"Thank you for your courteous cooperation," Lydia closed the yellow folder and stood up from the chair with a smile and bright eyes, ready to report everything to Renslayer, without thinking too much about the consequences her actions would have.

----

The next day, the TVA was in turmoil; the monitors in the control room were going crazy. From the sacred timeline branched out an immense number of other timelines, ramifications. There was no trace of Loki, and Lydia hadn't heard from him. She had been prevented from entering the room where he had been confined and ordered to stay away. When she had tried again, after reporting to Renslayer what she had discovered from Sylvie and being dismissed with a "good job, now go take a break," she hadn't found anyone, least of all him.

But people don't disappear; they die.

She had tried to talk to Mobius but had gotten nowhere.

"Until we have approval from the council, I can't tell you anything," he had said as he ran through the corridors in the general chaos.

"Can't you at least tell me if he's alive?"

"It's classified."

"Classified?"

"You don't have a high enough clearance!" Mobius snapped, turning to her, whose analyst rank had not yet been confirmed. Then perhaps out of pity, his expression softened. "Until we have news, he's to be considered MIA."

MIA.

Lydia was an agent of SHIELD, and even before that, she had trained at Quantico. Lydia knew what it meant when someone was MIA.

Lydia closed herself in a small room, leaned her back against the door, and slid to the floor, crushed by her own sense of guilt. It was her who had condemned them both, out of anger, out of ambition. Him, who despite everything, she had considered a friend, with sad eyes and kind words.

Even without being the material executor of their end, she had contributed to it by following the orders given to her. And the last words she had said to him had been, "Damn murderer."

She wanted to cry but couldn't. All she could do was breathe heavily, as if she had run the New York marathon. While in her head, his words during their last conversation overlapped.

"You hurt me." "You stabbed me in the back." "It's your fault."

Now it was true. All true. Everything she yelled she hadn't done had still come to pass. Perhaps that was the true meaning of the concept of "destiny"; or perhaps it was just the manifestation of her true nature.

Guilty.

I know. No loki. Y'all were here for him after all. He'll be back tomorrow, that's the reason I'm posting so soon. My girl needed a little kick in the ass in order to sort her feelings out. It is what it is. Let me know what you think of the story so far. I have recived no comments so I'm not sure what everyone is thinking, but I'm fine also with a little heart or a repost so I don't lose interest in writing. It' really helpful.

[wouldntyou-liketoknow]

Comparing Killers

I sent an ask to my buddy @insane4fandoms a few days ago, and in their reply, they mentioned potentially doing a character analysis for both MadPat and my very own fanmade cannibal EgoPat Caliban in the future.

(This stemmed from one of their latest drawings. Again, thanks so much for remembering my scrunglies, friendo ❤️)

SO, being the way I am, I took some random inspiration and now I'm going through with that exact analysis myself! Just following my instincts as a writer and all that stuff.

___

MadPat:

Now, just to get this out of the way because I have a sneaking suspicion that someone’s gonna read this and automatically assume I’m being stuck-up: I really like Mad as a character. Matt has done an amazing job portraying him. . .though, Matt just has a knack for unhinged characters in general, lol.

And thanks to Matt's acting skills, Mad is an enjoyable villain. He’s cluster of chaotic problems shaped like a man in his thirties, and we all love him for it. (Honestly, I kinda see Mad’s behavior as similar to that of The Actor from all of Mark’s projects. Comedically evil with a tendency to throw tantrums when things don’t go his way.)

The FNAF Musicals have made many slight tweaks to the lore of the games to not completely plagiarize the story. So, of course, Mad is a slightly-tweaked version of William Afton: it’s made very clear that his crimes include murdering kids. On top of that, he has no problem playing long-cons with pizzeria employees before eventually killing them, too.

We’ve seen plenty of times that Mad is pretty much never afraid to get violent. Oh sure, he tries to put a mask on when he needs to, but it’s easy to see all his urges beneath that mask. (And again, much like Actor!Mark, Mad ain’t too shy about being callous and hostile to almost everyone around him.) He’s very quick to anger. To make things worse, he’s also quick to desperation.

While Mad is too smart for everyone else’s good, he’s still pretty damn impulsive/irresponsible. His crimes were all concentrated on the pizzeria; it didn’t take very long at all for the disappearances to pile up and gain unwanted attention. Now, a bunch of missing-person-cases are one thing, but leaving evidence is quite another.

Hell, in the beginning scene of Web of Lies, the wacko-in-a-bearsuit himself literally said, “Every INCH of this place is INCRIMINATING! Ten minutes of poking around this place and they’ll discover what I did. . !”

If Mad were to hear of Caliban's work, he'd probably be impressed at first and automatically assume that Caliban is just like him, just with more people-eating. However, if Mad were to actually meet Caliban and get a better read on his personality, Mad would likely end up insulting him one way or another. He'd see Caliban's professionalism as tedious.

___

Caliban Crawford:

Though I've made it pretty obvious that he's my special boi, Caliban is an objectively bad person. He may be insane, but he’s not delusional enough to deny that. Whenever his and/or Murdock's targets happen to be alive when they’re dragged to his den, he can be very, VERY sadistic throughout the butchering process. (Especially if the target has done something to personally affect him, Azalea, or any of his other peers.)

Sure, he doesn’t complain about working with dead bodies, but having a live meal is quite a special occasion. In such cases, he enjoys watching the unfortunate soul in question squirm and listening to them scream/beg. Taunting, dragging things out, making morbid puns all over the place, the works.

Despite all this, I’ve specifically crafted Caliban to be an extremely morally-gray character. (To be honest, the only fanmade ego of mine who’s full-on evil is LeviathanPat.) He’s still able to be logical/rational when he needs to. He takes pride in his self-control; yes, he has cravings for human flesh, but he knows he can’t afford to just attack any person he sees whenever he gets hungry. He knows he has to be EXTREMELY CAREFUL in order to keep his business away from the authorities. So, he only eats those he and his peers (Murdock, Azalea, etc.) are hired/paid to bump off.

On top of that, Caliban still has some humanity left. While he’s obviously nowhere close to a perfect angel, he’s still able to form genuine relationships and treat those in his circle with kindness/respect. Get on his good side, and you'll have quite a strong ally.

Though his morals are limited, one of the biggest differences between him and Mad is the fact that Caliban would never, NEVER stoop so low as to harm a child. In fact, he tends to avoid children altogether due to his own childhood trauma. (Totally not me projecting because I grew up in a dysfunctional family with verbal/emotional/psychological abuse.)

Getting back to the juicy stuff: Caliban is smart and efficient with his work. He prides himself on not leaving any evidence behind. (Yes, he still makes occasional mistakes, but even then, the aforementioned evidence still comes in very tiny amounts.) That's why he and Murdock became friends and started working together in the first place: since Caliban divides up which parts can be cooked/eaten and which parts can be sold on the Black Market, it really is easy for targets to just seemingly vanish into thin air.

Though my stories involving Caliban probably show him acting calm (despite his pun-addiction, lol), please, PLEASE don't be fooled. He's got just as much unhinged energy as Mad. He just happens to hide it a bit more often. But he definitely has his chaotic moments; half of the time it's out of unhinged joy, and the other half of the time it's because an enemy pissed him off enough to get their skin privileges revoked. (Basically, it's not that much of a stretch to see Caliban as a combination of The Hermit and Mack.)

Now, if you've seen @insane4fandoms artwork of him, then it's pretty clear that some inspiration was taken from Hannibal Lecter. And while I definitely appreciate references like that. . .well, that inspiration is mainly just for Caliban's appearance. I've said before that Caliban is nowhere near as arrogant as Hannibal. Even so, if Caliban were to see/hear about all of Mad's shenanigans, he'd write Mad off as being sloppy and unimpressive. If he were to actually meet Mad, his opinion would just get worse; he'd see Mad as a fair bit annoying and bratty.

___

@sammys-magical-au @b-is-in-the-closet @im-a-weird0 @themarpsimp @lexusinsannus @crazy-obsessed-enby @rozeliyawashereyall @gaymingintrovert @lampsforsocks @forestcouncil @x-hotrose-x @v1rus-seal

[passthroughtime]

a kuwagami-related thought i've been mulling over since the start of june, which needs a little preface, so, bear with me a little

it's not that kuwana's and yagami's traumas have affected them the same way, or are even of the one kind. the point kuwana is making, there was a bad thing in their past, and it has changed them irreversibly into the men they are now. (idk, i have seen way too many times how his "we're the same, you and i" line gets interpreted into kuwana being completely delusional about yagami, and if i remember correctly, i've made that same assumption myself, so, no blaming here, been there done that)

kuwana's just trying to appeal to yagami's own experience there, because the latter kinda. treats him like a scumbag he was before, not the person he is now. so, he tells him: there, i'm not the same person, because, as you, i learned from my mistakes. that callout calms yagami's bitchy nature for long enough for kuwana to share his story until the end.

but that's not what i was thinking over, or, not quite that. as they've each had tragedies of their own, where they have played different roles and have had different impact on what eventually happened, their traumas are only the same in the regard of consequences (= putting an innocent person into the most life-threatening situation possible, and how they'll always feel guilty about it though it wasn't their fault exclusively). but that's the main problem when comparing their means of redemption.

yagami's approach to life/investigations/etc is now reactionary. the "i will act if no one else will" kind. some may argue that he tries to prevent things and that's why he gets involved, but... bear with me here.

as emi's fate was something he could have never anticipated, and he did exactly what was expected of him at the moment, his regret is about not delving further until the truth is uncovered. that means, something must happen before for him to get involved (something like waku's death), and so, he gets involved now in the things that doesn't concern him, and stays there till the end, never stopping before all questions are answered and all truths are found out. that's what i mean by saying he reacts rather than prevents.

his fault in emi's death is of not doing enough, or anything, though he didn't have to do more than he did. he was a lawyer. he did his job. that's all he was supposed to be.

while kuwana's approach now is preventive in a sense that he won't do anything that will put anyone in danger. his main goal in all his killings, is to say "hey, there are consequences to your shitty actions, don't do it, at all" though he's been stupid about his means (how would anyone know about his "lesson" if the bodies and his motives have been a secret to others? idk), but whatever. yet, his main focus is to not endanger someone on his own volition. again, let me explain myself here.

mitsuru's suicide attempt is more of kuwana's fault than emi's death of yagami's. that's obvious. but you know the main difference here? he knew about the bullying. he COULD do something about it. that's what made him directly responsible while not being an actual perpetrator. more than yagami in his case, at least.

kuwana's fault is also, as yagami's, in not doing enough/anything, but, unlike yagami, he had the means to stop the tragedy before it had happened. he knew of the risks. so now, knowing there are consequences of each action and inaction he takes, he makes sure whatever he does won't put anyone in danger. (that's a funny take from me, because for the most of the game, yagami argues that kuwana doesn't care about that, but we all know he realises he was wrong about him, eventually.)

yagami and his friends? stop investigating mikoshiba's case (and later sawa's murder), you'll only put yourselves in danger. his former students? no, you don't have to kill anyone, you can even state that i made you help me under duress (nah, i'll still stand with that their cowardice and kuwana acting as a psychopath with them were the only reasons why they haven't gone to the police, though they totally could and had the chance to get away with everything much earlier. kuwana played into their weaknesses if anything). sawa? yeah, the entire thing at plage is a message for her to stay away, how kuwana admits himself.

he feels guilty about RK attacking liumang's hideout because of him. he makes up for leaving yagami alone before, near sawa's apartment, and doesn't do the same mistake when soma finds them, against all odds (he and yagami did everything to not be discovered, kuwana made sure of that), on the boat. he runs as soon as possible when sawa calls him, though it kinda does sound like a trap even at that point; he just doesn't think about anything when he hears her crying (that one is a stretch a bit but. let me have this.). he agrees to meeting yagami in kamurocho when he kidnaps mamiya so he'd let her go (though, leaving his students as a distraction to get away from yagami is a dick move, no arguing here).

the point is, he doesn't want to cause any more harm. that's why kusumoto surrendering herself to the police is so tragic for him and breaks him so bad: he did the thing again. if not for him and his feeling of utter loneliness in his pain, she would've lived a happy life with her child. he doesn't want to admit it, doesn't want her to answer for his mistake, so he says it wasn't a mistake at all. again, kind of shitty, but, the whole thing he has going on is shitty, so here's that.

it's "i will act if no one else will" vs "i make sure i never create a situation endangering other people". the first one is self-destructive, the second one is self-deluding. perfect.

and i've been thinking that it's kind of interesting how they collide here, yagami getting involved even at the cost of his life vs kuwana who doesn't really want someone else to get hurt. that's all their running and chasing, and the reasons behind it, summarised. they both are stubborn, because they don't want to do the same mistake they did in the past, and they clash over it badly, convinced they are the one who does the right thing. it sucks because they are both right here, lol, in the end. or, rather, there isn't really a right answer of what one should do here. or something.

and the other unrelated funny thing that my friend who played JE and LJ for the first time pointed out is that kitakata did the same thing that yagami does at the start of the game: recording the bullying before he decides how to act appropriately. the difference is, yagami is someone from the outside and isn't really accustomised seeing this behaviour on the daily basis, and seeing how sawa acts (or, rather, doesn't) about the bullying (quoting her words: "i knew something was off but i didn't expect this", so, yeah), teachers stop seeing all the little signs as a threat big enough to act immediately. a part of the job, ignoring little signs is a means against burnout, or something like that.

kitakata has a concerned student nudging him to look closer (and he does). sawa has a help from outside, never intending to act before she saw the recording (and she is instantly involved into helping here). yagami does his job, the only task he was instructed to do here, and at a perfect moment (he is a complete outsider and doesn't see high school drama happening daily).

kitakata isn't that lucky, when sawa and yagami do the same job that kitakata does on his own. so, all three situations are completely different, and no one here is the biggest asshole, though all three of them can paint kitakata as one.

[samooooo1]

based on my digimon master online game, how would be like a 24 year old fem! tamer who found in her doorstep a cardboard box with 4 digieggs (wizardmon, terriermon, (fem!) lopmon (she is terriermon's younger twin sister) and meicoomon) and when they hatch as lil keemon, zerimon, kokomon, and a fluffier looking snow botamon with faint light markings (that sign that she is a meicoomon when she grows and evolve to her actual form);

and the lil keemon is the one who loves y/n a lot compared to the other 3 who like her too; with a timeskip of 2 years later with him now as a wiz giving her a flower before confessing his feelings for her and gladly she accepts his feelings.

(Credit to the artist (Artist is mentioned down there on the right side))

(Sorry but I cant picture myself this scenario, as you would have been like a mother figure to them which is why I will do platonic version but no more or less, sorry since it probably would be heading a entirely diffrent way then you wanted but such scenarios are also platonic in my eyes.)

B/f x reader

Growing closer

_____________________

It was a cold nice day, finally after 8 painfully long hours of working, since you gotta make a living somehow, you took office job and after it was finally over and since it was over, first thing you done was to watch TV, there way to many TV Series that have to be finished by you and to little time to sadly do it. After watching a couple series for some hours, you heard a sound from the door you went there, thinking what or who would do such thing this late at the day.

You have gone to your door and opended it and found.. a cardboard with some eggs in it? You were weirded out having never seen such eggs.. and big at that to, you first thought these were Ostrich eggs.. so you tried to cook them but they were to hard and couldnt break which frustrated you.

Sooo, like any person with the average IQ of -5, you used Google to try and find out what these eggs were or better say from which animal or organism they came. To your suprise, they werent any ordinary eggs.. these eggs were called Digieggs and after some throughout research you found out what will come out of these eggs, some Digimons named Botamon, Kokomon, Zerimon and Keemon, they were fictional characters from your childhood Show 20 years ago, you used to watch it so much but sadly have forgotten most of these times.

So you made sure to take them with you everywhere, as to make sure that when they hatch you can see it in a instant. After some further hours of waiting they hatched ! You saw and felt like a Mum VvV, seeing their kids being born, you were very happy :D

Now the funny part.. you dont know what they eat, nor what they can eat or not, they arent any organic organism but you decided milk and some meat should be ok for now.

You searched up their names and what they could "evolve" into, or as people would say "digievolve" into. Now you got a Keemon, small and friendly but sometimes somehow angry, how? I dont know, a Botamon, a chaotic little energy ball, a Kokomon very cute choco looking like digimon and lastly Zerimon, weird but also cute.

Now there was another small problem, you never had to take care of any kids, much less since you were a only child and pretty much got always what you wanted, you never had to do anything. Now that you were a fully responsible adult and moved away from your parents and took a job to pay rent and your living expsenes, you didnt know if you were able to take care of these little Digimon.

Sooo, you called your bestfriend over, he was at first not believing a single word you have said but the moment he was in with you.. He was fascinated, such cute little creatures? But then he asked for what reason did you actually call him.

"So... hehe, basicly if I would this alone, there be to much for me to work off... and I dont wanna be a single mum, and since we both are already bestfriends why dont you help ne :D Also these little kids need a dad."

"Wait wait wait wait- a dad? But why me!"

You mentaly slapped yourself and just gave him a unfazed stare.

"Who is a man, is my closet friend, can weirdly be a good dad, can help me and is always there for me :D"

He just sighned and.. even though to us its obvious and you being a blind person ( in terms of reading the room), he has feelings for you and taking care of them with you.

"You will be the mother?"

You just nodded VvV. "Then... eh.. should I adress you as honey then, infront of the kids?" At that point you just stared at him. Would that title suit you?... Yes, yes it would.You happily nodded.

"So we be parents then? :D" you asked, he just embarrasedly nodded and you jumped in the air, feeling all happy and friendly, atleast you wont be having to deal all this alone, you have someone by your side during all of this.He just smilled at you, how could you be so blind to his feelings but because of you.. he be doing this, out of love for you.

2 Years Timeskip~

After some years parenting, both you and B/f have come far, your small little kids that you named happily, Botamon, you named him after your Uncle, his name was Kai, and little Botamon gave some Ninjago Kai vibes off, and he always watched that show as he grew up.Kokomon, you named them Choc, because of his chocolate coulered self and his affinity to liking sweets that are always sided with chocolate flavor.Zerimon was named Lemon, he is coloured like a Lemon and loves Citrus fruits, noice which is why the both you of named him Lemon and he is the exact opposites of his sister Zerimon.Keemon was the weirdest of the bunch, he was like a clingy dog which is why ya named him Max, he wouldnt leave neither your or B/f sides, always calling you both Mum and Dad, which at times made you chuckle and B/f a blushing mess, yet as they digivoled all into their respective forms you couldnt help but smile at them and B/f and even thought it might have seemed as if you were oblivious to B/fs feelings, you werent, you also liked him but wanted just to tease him so much it also made you realise how thankful you were that he was by your side, supporting and helping you no matter what or without any complaints, so one day when it was late and the kids were sleeping, you invited him to the livingroom since before you both have sleeped seperately but now you wanted to be more then just friends, you took him to the livingroom and confessed to him.

When he heard those words from you "I like you more then a simple friend".. he cried, he was happy beyond any thing that could be scaled, this one was one of the hapiest day of his life, and yes finally after so long you are finally his. He took you by arms and hugged you, its safe to say that you both went to bed after that confession but didnt did the deed as you both were faithful followers of the lord, you saved yourself for day you both will marry.

But the both of you pray and hope that the lord will bless you both with more such happy moments , the moment that the both of you will spend together, as lovers and one flesh, just as the lord always had planned for the both of you.

_____________________

Thanks for making a request but please, any kind of family bond should also be kept as one, but I hope you all enjoyed this small fic and wish ya all a blessed day/night.

God bless ya all!

;)

[molsno]

yesterday, I did shrooms for the first time. I wasn't really that sure what to expect. I take weed gummies every week, and I have experienced some psychogenic effects from them in the past, so I thought that they would be somewhat comparable, but they're really not. I wanted to write about my experience and organize my thoughts, so I tried to go into as much detail as possible. this post is very long, so I've put it under a read more.

first of all, I took them via capsule. I don't handle strong, bitter tastes very well, and I'd heard that's what they tasted like, so my girlfriend and I ground them up into a fine dust and packed them into pills. I ended up taking 6 pills, for a total of 1.8 grams of shrooms. I ate light beforehand since I knew nausea might be a problem. I just had a simple cheese and salami sandwich and then swallowed the pills.

it took a while for them to take effect, and I was a little anxious to find out how I would react. that said, I was in a pretty good mood yesterday - I had just had a job interview that I thought went really well, so I'd been feeling a little better than usual. normally I'm quite pessimistic, but I knew that going into a trip with a negative mindset would make for a bad experience, so I tried not to stress over it too much.

the effects were mild at first. my pupils began to dilate, and the ceiling looked as though it was tilting and rotating. the popcorn pattern had the illusion that it was sliding to the left as I stared at it, which made me giggly. based on what I'd heard, I thought that I would start having stronger visual distortions, and maybe even some hallucinations. that wasn't the case. I'd taken a milder strain of shrooms - golden teacher. and I was about to learn just how fitting that name was.

slowly, I started tearing up. I wasn't sure why it was happening at first; I thought it was just because I'd had my eyes open for a long time. but soon enough, the floodgates burst. the world fully opened up to me, and before I knew it, I couldn't stop crying tears of pure, unrestrained joy.

it's difficult to describe what it felt like, so let me give you some context. for the past 6 months, I've been unemployed since being laid off from my job, and I've been struggling to hold it together emotionally as things continue to fall apart around me. recently, every day has made me question whether or not life was even worth living. I've felt powerless to help myself as the horrors of capitalism continue to push me down and break my spirit. I've felt alienated from my friends, especially as many of them have left me and the friends I hold dear. and due to my aforementioned powerlessness, I felt as if it was impossible for me to truly help the people I care about as much as I want to, even when they're going through horrible crises, especially because of my own fears holding me back.

in an instant, all of that changed. I can honestly say I've never felt happier in my life than I did yesterday. I approached the window, which extends from floor to ceiling, and put my hands against it as I looked out. the sky was overcast, but the world had never seemed so bright. as I listened to the album "nurture" by porter robinson, I looked down at the city, watching all of the people walking around, and it dawned on me that like all of them, I'm just another person in this wide world.

it can be difficult for me to understand that, because being a marginalized trans woman living under a capitalist regime makes me feel so insignificant. but in reality, I'm connected to every single organism who's ever lived on this planet, and in that moment, I felt like I really understood what it means to be human.

in our industrialized society, it can be all too easy to downplay the significance of nature, to see it as less important than us, or in the worst cases, to see it as an obstacle to our survival. but that's simply not true! humans aren't separate from nature; we're just another part of it. even in a concrete jungle made by human and mechanical hands, nature surrounds us, we just have to know where to look.

sure, nature can be dangerous. there are plants, animals, and fungi that can easily kill us if we don't know what we're doing, if we don't respect their needs and desires. but humans survived for all of these millions of years by helping each other, by teaching each other, and by loving each other. even in the harshest conditions, we're incredibly resilient due to our eagerness to care for one another.

with tears still streaming down my face, I couldn't hold myself back from telling the people I care about how happy I was to know them and how much I love them, and how happy I was to be alive. for the first time in a long, long time, I felt genuine hope. I truly felt that no matter what happens, everything will turn out alright.

incidentally, I really wanted to go for a walk outside, but my girlfriend advised me not to, both because she was worried about my safety, and because there were too many people out there, and I was very obviously tripping. I think she made the right call this time, as I have no idea how a stranger would have reacted when I inevitably approached them with tears streaming down my face and told them how beautiful the world is. still, I believe that going for a walk through the park on shrooms some time would be really enjoyable. perhaps one day I can, when I have more experience and I'm in a less populated area.

in any case, I genuinely believe that these mushrooms were communicating with me. sure, we bought these from a company, meaning they were probably grown in a lab or some other artificial environment, but mushrooms just like these exist all over the world. they wanted to teach me to appreciate the natural environments they originated from. if I truly took their lesson to heart, if I researched and studied hard enough, if I learned how to reliably and consistently identify the organisms that exist in the world around me, it would be possible for me to go to a forest and safely identify mushrooms like these growing in the wild, where I could just pick them and eat them freely.

is it naive for me to believe that they intended to teach me that? maybe, but I don't think so. I would say I'm overall a skeptical person, but after this experience, I don't think it's fair for me to discount their intelligence. we may be different, but we're ultimately both organisms that exist on this earth together, and we all share a common ancestor. I'm no mycologist, but there are fungi out there that know how to take control of an ant's body and use it to spread their spores. I think it's fair to believe that they're intelligent enough to communicate with humans in their own way. that's why I think that golden teacher is the perfect name for them.

soon enough, the peak of my trip began to fade, and I stopped crying. I eventually got a headache, but I still felt wonderful. I ate some oreos and drank a glass of milk, then laid down for a while and processed my thoughts in silence.

after some time, I started to feel tired, and even a bit nauseous. I wanted to hold it in, but after an hour or so, it only grew stronger, so I rushed to the restroom and threw up. I hadn't been prepared for the nausea - I heard that it would usually only take effect about an hour into the trip, but mine didn't hit me until several hours after it had ended. although my stomach felt better, my head still hurt. despite being exhausted, I found myself unable to sleep. I stayed awake for hours. 2 am came to pass, then 3 am, then 4 am. at some point, I think I did fall asleep, as I remember having some dreams, but it was a very light sleep, and wasn't continuous at all. as I write this, I'm still very tired. I think I'm going to take melatonin tonight to help me sleep.

during my trip, I wanted to feel the euphoria I'd been feeling forever. but as it faded, I realized I don't need to. and in fact, I actually didn't want to; feeling so much joy was actually very overwhelming! it's difficult for me to convey just how strong the emotions I felt were, and having so many revelations in such a brief period of time was overly taxing on my brain. not to mention, throwing up and being unable to sleep was pretty unpleasant.

these mushrooms were never going to solve my problems or cure the emptiness I've felt inside, and it would be disrespectful toward them to ask them to do that. rather, they taught me how to obtain happiness for myself. they taught me to find value in the world around me, to pay attention to the nature that surrounds me in my day to day life, to be proactive and vulnerable with the people I care about, and to remember my place in the world. if I want to feel this joy, I have to put these lessons into practice, and work to make the world a better place for everyone. and I'm going to try my best do just that.

while I'd love to do this again (ideally with a bit more preparation), it's not something I can take for granted. I'm really glad I got to have this experience. I feel like it changed me for the better, and I want to do for the world what these mushrooms did for me. ❤️

[joes-sha-la-la-la-girl]

Gently

Steve Clark x Reader

Masterlist

This fic contains smut. Under 18s DNI

For @dreamy625

After dating Steve for a few weeks I had come to realise that he was an absolute sweetheart. At first I was sure that it was just a facade to get me into bed but after the way he had treated me, I found that he was just generally a very lovely person. Quiet at times but always ready with a witty remark or two.

Steve was the first person I had properly dated. There had been a few guys here and there but they never got further than a second date. Maybe my standards were too high, but more likely it was either they were too arrogant or egotistical to even register anything I had to say. 

With Steve there was none of that. By our fourth date, there was almost nothing left about my life that I could tell him, he had let me talk and waited patiently for his turn. A small grin on his face as I told him about stories of my childhood and how boring my job was compared to his. Despite all that talking we hadn’t yet run out of things to converse about.

As we were going to our fifth date, I thought of the past few weeks and how lucky I was to have been able to find someone as great as Steve. Of course I knew that he had his problems too, but when I looked past them I saw perfection personified. That’s why I knew that I was going to be making the right decision.

Our fifth date was in a little cafe that I had chosen. A small place that I had walked past many times but never ventured inside. It was a quaint little place, not something you would usually find along the streets of Sheffield but it was comfortable and the tea was wonderful. Me and Steve sat there for over an hour, just talking about whatever came to mind. There was not a single moment of awkwardness between the two of us.

“So when can I take you out again?” Steve asked as we prepared to leave.

“I’m not sure, I’ll have to give you a ring if that’s alright?” I asked him slightly unsure of myself.

“Of course. Can I walk you home?”

“Yeah sure.” I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear as the two of us fell into step. It was only about a ten minute walk back to my flat but it seemed like no time at all as the conversation with Steve continued. Our hands kept brushing against each other as they dangled down by our sides. Not that I minded all that much.

“This is me.” I spoke as we reached the entrance to the block of flats I lived in. “Did you want to come in?” I asked, looking up at him.

Giving a shy smile, he nodded and I opened the door so that we could walk up the few flights of stairs to my little home.

As I opened the front door I took a quick scan, making sure I hadn’t left any dirty plates or socks laying around for him to see. For once everything seemed tidy enough and I led Steve through to the sofa. 

“Can I get you something to drink?”

“Yeah please, what do you have?”

“Not much really.” I shouted through as I went into the kitchen. “Actually I think I only have water.”

Steve laughed from the sitting room. “Water’s fine.”

I quickly poured two glasses of water and made my way back to where Steve was sitting waiting patiently. Giving him a smile, I passed the glass over to him and sat my own down on the coffee table. I looked over at Steve and realised how close we were. It was almost subconscious the way we both leaned into the other.

As I felt his lips gently brush against mine, I immediately put pressure into it. The kiss was nothing like I had ever experienced before, not that I was very experienced anyway. Putting my hand on his cheek, I pulled him closer to me. Smiling into the kiss, I tried to hide the nerves that were threatening to take over.

When the kiss was over I couldn’t help but stare into his beautiful eyes. It didn’t take long for our lips to connect again, this time the kiss became deeper. Steve dragged me gently onto his lap as his long arms went around my waist holding me in place. The two of us stayed there for some time before his hands started making their way down from my waist to the hem of my dress.

Steve broke the kiss and looked at me questioningly. I swallowed harshly knowing that I would have to tell him at some point that I was a virgin.

“Are you okay?” Steve asked, sensing something was wrong.

Slowly climbing off of his lap, I sat next to him angled so that my knees were against his. Steve grabbed my hands in his, trying to look me in the eye, admittedly calming me down.

“Uh, yeah.” Looking down I decided that I would have to tell him. “Look, I don’t want to scare you off but I’ve never gone further than this before.”

“You mean you’re a…”

“A virgin? Yeah.”

“We don’t have to do anything yet if you don’t want to.” Steve reassured me with a smile.

“It’s not that I don’t want to Steve, it’s more I’m not sure how. I’m more than ready.”

“Will you let me take care of you tonight?”

I nodded my head and let Steve pull me up from the couch. Hand in hand we made our way through to my bedroom. Steve was walking backwards as I led him, neither of us breaking eye contact. When we got there, Steve pushed the door open and guided me inside before shutting the door again.

Moving over to the bed, Steve gently laid me down before crawling on top of me pressing his lips to mine. This time the lust was dripping off of him as he moved one of his hands down to my hip. I wrapped my arms around his neck, encouraging him to continue.

Slowly, articles of clothing got removed until I was left in my underwear and Steve was left in his boxers. 

“Are you sure love?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

With that Steve started to remove my bra, massaging my breasts gently before moving down to remove my knickers. I tugged softly at his boxers so that they fell down his long legs. Soon enough we were completely bare to each other for the first time. I couldn’t help the gasp that escaped me when I caught sight of his length. 

“It’s alright love.” Steve murmured as he stroked my cheek. “I’m gonna get you opened up first. This may be a little uncomfortable. Just let me know if you wanna stop.” 

“Okay.” I smiled, feeling slightly nervous. Steve then took the hand from my cheek and moved it down to my folds. He rubbed carefully at my clit until I felt myself getting wet. He inched one finger inside of me, the sensation a completely new one. Steve peppered kisses around my face as he started pumping and curling that one finger.

“You ready for another one?” 

“Please Steve.” I couldn’t help the slight whine in my voice.

The second finger caused a small sting. However, that soon disappeared when he moved it in sync with the first one. The small kisses continued and I felt myself creeping closer and closer to the edge. Steve must’ve felt it too as he pulled both fingers out of me when I started to clench.

“Not yet love, when I make you cum for the first time it’ll be on my cock.” Steve told me. Reaching across the floor he picked up his jeans and pulled a condom out of his wallet. I didn’t bother to question it and instead watched as he rolled it onto himself, discarding the packet on my bedside table. He moved both my legs around his waist to line himself up, then moved his hands to interlock with mine. “This might hurt, I’ll stop as soon as you say alright.”

“Okay.” I agreed.

I felt him push in and he was right, it did hurt. I gripped onto his hands as he paused halfway and allowed me to get used to the feeling.

“Please Steve.” I moaned when I was ready for more. With that he pushed all the way in. Once he had bottomed out, he gave me a passionate kiss.

“Let me know when you are ready for me to move.” Steve grunted out and I had to admit, it was one of the sexiest noises I had ever heard. “God you’re tight.”

After a minute or so of me adjusting to the stretch, the pain became more bearable. I squeezed his waist with my legs and looked directly into his eyes.

“You can move now.”

With that Steve started the gentle thrusting. There was care in each stroke, every movement he showed appreciation for me. 

“Fuck.” I moaned out, with a small squeal at the end. I saw Steve smirk slightly before I closed my eyes and allowed the pleasure to take over. The pain from before had almost disappeared completely.

“You feel so good Y/N.”

I started to rock my hips more and more, tightening my gripe on his hands as the two of us moved together. It was at that moment that my eyes flew open and rolled to the back of my head. Steve had hit the special spot inside of me that until that moment I hadn’t even realised existed.

“There it is.” Steve groaned as he started to pick up the pace slightly. The dance-like movements continued for a short period of time before I felt like I was going to burst.

“Steve, fuck.” I squealed. Steve knew exactly what I meant.

“Let go for me love.”

I did just that. Me clenching around Steve over and over again caused him to tip over the edge too. Steve rode out both our orgasms before collapsing on top of me. When our heavy breathing calmed down, he rolled off of me, taking the condom off and disposing of it.

“Let’s get you cleaned up, love.” He carried me to the bathroom, with my directions and let me pee as he got a washcloth sorted.

It wasn’t too long before the two of us ended up cuddled in bed, still exhausted from our previous activities.

“Thank you Steve. For making my first time so incredible.”

“You are more than welcome darling. It was my pleasure.”