#and went out splorin with it

[tiabwwtws-art]

Madame Odile save me. Madame Odile. Save me Madame Odile

[meringuejellyfish]

the music for the colgera battle is quite delightful (wow i just need to say i like it. goodness) its a shame i couldnt really properly hear it while actually playing on account of having to sit right next to a loud ac but listening to it fully the other day was nice. took me a few weeks but i can appreciate it now - and listen ... im a simple guy, the rito village theme being incorporated into a section of it is just wow :-( ....... big leitmotif fan. walking into zoras domain is going to kill me

[moonglide]

echoes of wisdom hours 14 & 15

-spoilers for end of the goron quest, and the VERY start of the deku quest

-nintendo when i suggested link boss with bombs i wasn't being serious. why did you take me seriously.

-it was easy though. birds.

-volvagia wasn't too hard either. birds.

-hi din. i have a question about din, actually. why do so many fanfic authors have their zelda characters swear on din's name? like, instead of 'by hylia' or 'oh my goddesses' or whatever, i see a lot of 'oh my din'. does anyone know why?

-wait do we get DIN'S FIRE???

-oh we don't. sad.

-WOO!!!! fifth triangle!!! yes!

-as i'm 'splorin, i completed my first row of hearts! i'm at eleven hearts now.

-so i found this optional rift in the gerudo highlands that i did

-found the horse-rift! completed the rift. i need carrots for the horse, but how do i get carrots? i can't pull them out of the ground. someone please help me. does anyone know how to get carrots? i could just look it up but asking y'all is more fun.

-i looked around in the eternal forest for carrots. the eternal forest is honestly pretty boring? there's nothing here. except the grave of a hero, or whatever. that was really cool. in hindsight i should've used bind to see if there was a crypt under it, but whatever. i'll do that tomorrow.

-got a level 3 sword boko. it's actually just. a good echo? it's got good ai! it has a sword and a shield and it blocks when it's not attacked and strikes quickly when the shield's down! it's great!

-so that got me thinking-what if i looked around the map for rifts that have flat bottoms? to find ones with openings? to solve rifts?

-so i completed stilled lake hylia, stilled suthorn forest, stilled northern sanctuary, and stilled zora river. that's all the rifts i could find that are on the map so far, and I'm at tri level 8 now. maybe it goes to ten? with all those, plus mt lanayru and faron?

-oh and in the stilled sanctuary i went in the building itself and there were just two bokoblins getting married with one officiating. and then they attacked me.

-and by the zora rift i found the kid who was afraid to swim. he said his mom's just staring into the water in his house. i go into the wrong house and don't see her. i looked at the chopped fish on the table and i'm like. hello ma'am. your son is worried.

-found her in the other house. showed her some monsters, she gave here kid a zora scale, and he could swim! she gave me one, too.

-it's kind of interesting that river zora learn to walk before they can swim.

-i passed by the suthorn rift you clear at the beginning of the game and saw that you can actually go into cleared rifts? that's interesting.

-went into faron. collected my fifth stamp! got a new stamp card.

-so it looks like there's small rifts here, so there goes my idea of tri's level stopping at ten.

-fave monster: lv. 3 sword boko

-death count: 10

[trans-yllz]

Hi Ben! General - 6 and 10, One song, Media 1, Art 2 and 5, Looking forward 1 and 4? 🎉 🥰

HIIII COR TY

general

6. how have you grown this year?:

hmm I think I've gotten at least a teeny weeny bit better about making friends and reaching out to people this year!! I hung out with people I haven't known since I was at least 15 like. 4 separate times this year. big for me. my art has also definitely grown a lot this year!!

10. what’s a place you went to for the first time this year?:

I did a lot of 'splorin this year but the standout was 100% olympic national park. absolutely fucking phenomenal everyone should go if they can!!

one song:

SAMIAS COVER OF BORN ON A TRAIN‼️‼️‼️

media

1. what's something you just watched/read/played/listened to for the first time this year that you loved?:

the girl from the other side by nagabe!! the story and art just absolutely enthralled me. it was one of those book series where after I finished it I felt like I needed to call out of work so I could just continue to ponder it 😭 it just really touched some deep part of my heart and definitely made me cry a lot. highly recommend!

art

2. describe your experience making art this year in one word.:

FULLOFLOVE

5. how many projects are you in the middle of right now?:

ough. I'm sort of passively writing two fics in the notes app of my phone rn and I've made thumbnails for 6 paintings dedicated to the pnw. technically I'm not in the middle of this one because I haven't started it yet but one of my best friends just got married (insane) and I want to make him some art as a gift! there's also a collection of scenes from ncsnve I'd like to draw but I haven't started that yet either lmao

looking forward to:

1. what are your goals for next year?

my biggest goal is probably to be better w my money 😭 I literally Have to save in order to be able to go to alaska w my dad like we're planning and I'm hoping that being forced to put money in savings and having a job that actually pays me enough to have extra income will build a habit. I'd also like to read more books and watch more movies. go more places. make more art. feed myself better. all the cheesy normal things

4. what are you hopeful for next year?

I think a lot of really scary things are happening in a lot of parts of the world right now and I am hopeful for meaningful change!!

[dykedragonrider]

Finished Disco Elysium, and I do get the appeal but I think my enjoyment of that game is tragically tarnished by the hype that people gave it in ways that, maybe I missed, or maybe I interpreted as exaggerated? I think something really strong about the game is the way it does its intimate moments? Along a lot of the quests there's stuff that feels incredibly, painfully human. However, there's also a lot of beauty in other moments so it's a really well made balance? Telling Billie the fate of her husband, dancing with Kim, the art after the tribunal, pressuring Kim to be a pissfaggot, 'splorin the commercial district. There's more, but the point is that just. That's something done well. And I think those moments are only as standout as they are because this game's cast is really strong. Everyone is so fucked up in the best ways possible and I think it's really nice that you can like, get a voyeuristic view into their lives (a lot of them you made worse) and try and make things right? It's uniquely interesting to try and help characters that the player character hurt *before* the story so you get the reconciliation of that along with the general gratification of Doing Something Nice In A Videogame. But also, like every Disco fan apparently, the real standout is Kim. I felt SOOOO bad when I needed to sell parts for his car that he confiscated because he obviously wanted those spinners! He plays really well off Harry as the straight man to whatever nonsense you get up to, because he's *also* a little silly it's just below the surface. I unfortunately was tragically denied building communism because I was unaware of the tribunal which cucked me when I went to Ruby to kill time, so I don't have as full a picture re: the politics of this game, but the things I can say is that it's very over the top about stuff. Given the way people talked about this game, I expected it to be a lot more level and grounded, leaning more into the political thriller thing, but instead it feels more like it's commentary on human interaction being inherently political dialed up to 11? Neat enough, basically. It is *really* funny to be a self hating revolutionary cop whose kneejerk response is to say "eat the rich" but also it gets a lot of the smaller things right along the way? Which I think is kind of the central thing that stands out to me about this game. It gets the little things right *so* well in a way that gives it incredible emotional impact.

[1tsjusty0u]

ok what about. dungeon order. what order did your link do the divine beasts. is the dlc dungeon included

the dlc dungeon Is included!! miphers is first + vah ruta, then vah medoh as he wanted to go there first but went to kakariko before he did to much splorin. then he did rudania as he thought the gerudo heat would be harder to deal with however he soon learned he could be set on fire. he found out about fireproof elixrs soon after but he had an ‘uh oh.’ moment. then he did vah naboris!! for the dlc shrines great plateau, vah medoh, vah naboris, vah rudania, and then vah ruta (i think he would avoid the zora people in general, at least in the domain. outside of it he would still keep in touch with mipha and sidon, and maybe the bazz brigade? more by chance though. then he did the dlc shrine!! after the dlc dungeon he fought his first lynel in 100 years <3

[rozecrest]

4, 8, 13, and 19 for the end-of-year asks!

4. Movie of the year?

KAJILLIONARE! for movies that came out this year: they cloned tyrone or atsv

8. Game of the year?

finally got to play breath of the wild and it’s definitely the one i’ve played the most! still haven’t Finished but i’ve done a lot of splorin my map is fully unlocked

13. How was your birthday this year?

my birthday was really nice my little cousin who doesn’t live in my state anymore was here and us and my mom went to the aquarium :)

19. What're you excited about for next year?

learning more recipes! writing new things! meeting new people!

[pain-in-the-butler]

The time has come once again

The Bloodbath

“I’m simply one hell of a butler” says Sebastian as he starts cleaning as usual

Okay so Agni’s taking no prisoners

Work Nerd, Science Nerd, and Jock Nerd team up to form the Nerd Trifecta

Team One Brain Cell joins up with Phipps, who is quite possibly their only chance for survival

Ran-Mao remembers how Harcourt beat everyone in the unfortunately deleted round and said “Not in my backyard”

So far, everyone else has simply run away unscathed or grabbed a weapon they won’t use because the game doesn’t record weapons. Rip Tanaka

Day 1

Ran-Mao bringing the canon energy by adding a second weapon to her arsenal

Phipps somehow always turns into Team Dad during these, so I’m glad to see he’s finding time for his favorite hobbies

Undertaker up to his usual Sneaky Antics

It hasn’t even been twelve hours yet. Kind of impressive honestly

Considering Harcourt lost his mace, I’ll just assume the attack Grell “escaped” from was the vicious stabbing of his trim little schoolboy fingernails

Bad vibes

It appears that Lau also brought his canon game

Sebastian in the most recent chapters be like

I’ve actually never had this event come up before and it has to happen between two of the more innocent characters in the series;;;; god Lizzie you deserve better even in the Hunger Games Simulator

Where’s a Safety Nerd when you need one

What’s better than this? Guys bein dudes

This is probably what happened after Ciel left Weston

Sebastian will take care of this for ya, huh bud

Other events:

Agni practices his archery

Wolfram goes fishing

Othello finds a cave

Soma goes ‘splorin

Edward goes huntin

Day 1′s Deaths: Tanaka, Sieglinde, Lizzie, and Macmillan. Someday one of the ladies will win

Night 1

Butler slumber party in the woods, BYOYM (bring your own young master)

It takes a lot of energy to be this blond

I’m happy for her :)

Yeah I’ll bet you probably do Lau

A tonal shift so abrupt I got mental whiplash

Can we go back to when Grell was looking at the sky pls

Thought about science too hard. Got a concussion

Thought about Ciel dying too hard. Got an infection

Aww dad :( Hope you caught some fish tho

Looks like Harcourt won’t be winning this one, gang

I stg the hunger games simulator is misogynist because the ladies always DIE /j

Ran-Mao is hopefully here to prove the previous statement wrong

Other events:

Bard gets a hatchet

Undertaker also passes out from exhaustion

R!Ciel goes to sleep in a tree

Day 2

Oh you five are SO going in my burn book for this. It’s what Grell would’ve wanted

Ahaha just like in the real manga... right guys (;

Idk about you but I’m rooting for her

I don’t think the simulator could’ve picked four people who were less likely to team up than this

I would too if I saw my best friend was palling around with an opium dealer, a grim reaper with a lawn mower, and another grim reaper that the first grim reaper doesn’t like

Other events:

Othello chases Wolfram

That’s the only other event actually

That means today we lost O!Ciel, Mey-Rin, Harcourt, and Grell. ffs, I hope Ran-Mao kills all of you

Night 2

I’ve missed you, rare pair simulator

The “unknown sponsor” was Undertaker and the “fresh food” was O!Ciel

Confirmed: Lau doesn’t get high off his own supply

Once again a ceasefire between the strong hungry boys is formed

Girl, you don’t have to do that

“Did you kill Ciel?” Sebastian asks

“No that was William,” Othello says

Sebastian punches a tree so hard that it combusts. “God damn. Fuck” Sebastian says

Wolfram just realized I put him in the Hunger Games simulator

Other events:

Phipps thinks about “Are you winning son”

Undertaker gazes at space

Ronald becomes Lost Ronald

Soma passes out

Bard gets some water

Day 3

Damn Agni who haven’t you flirted with

Finny sees that Bard has water and thinks Bard cooked it himself, so he wants no part of that (might be burnt)

What did he even have that was worth stealing? A fish?

Well I can tell you who isn’t creating that smoke: Lau

“What’s worse than two young masters? No young masters. Now get over here and make a contract”

Everything about this sentence is a fever dream

Other events:

Undertaker decides he wants a slingy shot too

Edward chases Dad I mean Phipps

Othello gets some ouchies from picking berries

Night 3

When your young master dies, you just get an infection apparently

damn Finny’s playing hardball

I don’t think anything bad has actually happened to Bard yet. It’s just been a grand frolic the whole time

I barely remember reading the first Hunger Games but Ran-Mao’s the Foxface of this journey: she deserves to win and I just know she’ll die in the stupidest way possible

Sebastian’s like a cat that can’t reach the bird it wants to attack, so it attacks the nearest other thing instead. Poor Dad

Two white-haired anime boys and a not-white-haired anime boy talk about who will die tomorrow. Anime doesn’t exist yet so the white-haired anime boys don’t know their hair color automatically spells their doom

Other events:

Edward starts a fire, which means he’s capable of smoking opium

Ronald gets some medical supplies

Othello gets a hatchet

R!Ciel thinks about winning

Lau gets an entire explosive, but he won’t be able to light it, so no it’s no big deal

Day 4

In Soviet Hunger Games, white-haired anime boy kills you

But why murder someone when you could just mess with them

Other events:

Grey scares Bard

Finny goes hunting

Night 4

Have you four even killed anyone yet

The list of “people who didn’t start the manor fire and also don’t smoke opium” now consists of Lau and R!Ciel

The mood is too light now. Someone needs to die and it better not be Ran-Mao

At last, Father Phipps has chosen his son for this round

Agni gushes about all the hot guys he’s simultaneously in love with, giving Ran-Mao a clearer idea of who’s still alive

Day 5

Girl, it’s about time, go claim some trophies

Finny’s easily got the longest kill streak and it’s a little unnerving

Father Phipps finds a new secret fishing hole

Othello doesn’t

Lau continues to put in all the efforts of a kindergarten bully

Oh no. He’s a yandere

Other events:

Sebastian fucks around and explores the arena

Bard fucks around and hunts for tributes

Undertaker fucks around and sleeps

R!Ciel fucks around and picks flowers

Night 5

I’ve never met anyone who ships Sebastian/Undertaker but I know you’re out there

Okay, maybe these four are even less likely to team up than Phipps, Ronald, Undertaker, and Lau

Edward sees I’m making jokes about people who build fires and stays hidden

Day 6

Canonically, that is the only way R!Ciel would win a fight, so

I probably could have predicted this

I hope these are the faces they made when it happened

The “unknown sponsor” is R!Ciel and the “fresh food” is an ear that fell off his own head

I’m not sure if I should be concerned or unsurprised that Bard’s Hunger Games life is more chill than his canon life

the “unknown sponsor” was the fish and the “clean water” was “fish water”

Other events:

Ran-Mao gets her third weapon that she doesn’t want to use, which is a hatchet

Finny finds a river

Agni practices archery again, but he doesn’t kill anyone because he wants this to go on forever

Night 6

Ran-Mao I beg you please. Release us from this purgatory of mediocrity

And suddenly we’re back to canon Bard

I guess not everything can be canon

Other events:

Both Agni and Phipps pass out from exhaustion. It’s 2:50 a.m. so I should really be taking a page from their book, but unfortunately everyone refuses to die

The Feast

Finny has been a stone cold killer this entire match, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the girl I wanted to win would get eliminated by him, but it still hurts ✌️😔

If you cheat on Othello, he will overpower you, killing you

Everyone else decided not to go to the Feast. Honestly, I don’t remember what the Feast is, but everyone who did go either murdered someone or got murdered, so I guess that was probably a good call

Day 7

I’ve had enough of this dude

Jesus Finny I can’t wait to see how many kills you got, I feel like you and Agni were the only two who took anyone down

Bard, Undertaker, Sebastian, and Phipps all hunt for other tributes but they’re useless and don’t kill anyone

Arena Event: Volcano Eruption

In one fell swoop, we lose Sebastian, Undertaker, R!Ciel, and Finny, jeez. But... that means it comes down to.............

FATHER PHIPPS VS. BARD

FATHER PHIPPS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow... Unlike his manga counterpart, this boy coasted the whole time and won... He basically went on vacation and he actually won... But then again, it’s Hunger Games Simulator and nothing is sacred

Well I hope you learned a valuable lesson today. I hope you did at some point before you read my post, because you sure as hell learned nothing from this. Thank you for wasting precious minutes of your life with me 😏

[ixiablogs]

A special night (f2f)

Ixia arrives in a space on the surface, looking around with a smile. He was here with Spade and Brio some time ago... its still pretty as ever.

- Speaking of Spade, the sometimes a skeleton, most of the time a cat monster rears his fluffy face when he sees Ixia. He gives him a grin. 

"hey, bout time you showed up!"

- Ixia smiled sheepishly, putting away the device that let him come here to begin with. 

 "oh, leave me alone im still getting used to working this thing... so, uh, where'd you wanna go again?"

- Spade grins and gestures for Ixia to follow him as he turns and starts walking through this quaint, almost fantasy style town. He leads them to a bar, a little bit busy at this time of night, but not too crowded. 

 "i came back to this line when we hung out and found this place and man, their drinks are super good. they also got food if you dont wanna get trashed."

- Ixia blinks in surprise, humming for a bit as he thinks it over. Last time he got drunk with someone... oh but, no, he has a way to get home and a place thats safe to get back to. It'll be fine. 

"i! think i could use a few drinks, honestly, neheh..."

- Spade's expressions softens a little bit and he nods. 

 "yeah, i totally get that. c'mon." 

 He leads them inside and takes a look around before heading to one of the booths closer to the bar, taking a seat on one end and watching Ixia sit opposite of him. There's two little drink menus on the table they can look through at their leisure. 

 "so... how you been doin? im sorry i kinda.. suck at talkin to ya.”

- "oh, no its okay. im not much better either, hehh...." 

 He picks up one of the menus, flipping through it. 

 "uhm, well... i've been doing okay! i think.. i think ever since i left my home, i've been doing better. it is... weird adjusting though, eheh. the longer im away from home, the more i realize that.... i forgot how to be a person. i forgot how to talk to people.... after all, when you re-live the same week or so over and over and over it... it messes up your head...." 

 Wow, he hasnt even had any drinks yet. Feeling extra vulnerable today he guesses...

- Blink blink. Yeah that! Kinda came outta left field, but Spade's not gonna judge. He just listens and nods along, letting out a little sigh. 

 "i know it aint so easy but you really should just loosen up... i mean, aint no one gonna bite you if you just. talk to them, or just talk online and see who might wanna talk back. you'll be okay though yeah? i think you'll be okay."

-- Ixia blinks at the other, giving him a sheepish grin. 

 "eheh, yeah, i guess you're right...."

-- They exchange meaningless small talk for the next.. however long. They browse and order drinks, Spade talking about which are his favorite, Ixia admiring all the different colors and there were some that glowed?? Wowie.

-- "you knowwwww..." 

Ixia's speech is finally starting to loosen as he finishes his current drink, twirling the glass around. "i rreally like this place.... and not like, just the bar! nyeheh.... this like, town, its so... cute an pretty an nice.... wasp showed me one line, an... an sure it was nice but... mmn.. i might ask pippap about building me a house here...."

-- Spade's ears twitch up curiously. 

 "ooh yeah? sounds pretty nice t'me, and hey, you do whatever's gonna make ya happiest right?" He smiles, warm and friendly.

-- Oh,, he doesnt know why, but It feels like his soul's fluttering a little.

 "mmneheh, yeah! yeah i guess thats true.... i'll hafta do some looking around myself though, i havent seen much of this place actually, an i think it'd be nice..."

-- He chuckles a little, tail idly swishing about. 

 "well hey, maybe sometime when we aint so sloshed, we can go 'splorin round the place. scope out somewhere you might want a house... what kinda house you thinkin of anyhow?"

-- "what, kind? uh... ohh, i guess i havent thought of it much... some kinda, big spacious... cute... oh! oh i'd love to have a nice garden all around... mmm... a big living room, with a fire place.... and a nice kitchen so i can try making my own meals, neheh...." 

 He gets this whistful look on his face as he thinks more about it, losing himself in his thoughts.

-- Spade idly sips at his drink as he watches and listens, a warm feeling in his chest, along with a pained one. 

 "...god, i forgot how cute you could be...." 

 A beat, then a blink. His face flushes red. Shit shit he didnt meant to...

-- Ixia pauses for a second too before giggling, covering his face with one of his hands. 

 "pffnyehheh heh... oh, stop it...."

-- Oh, it was. Well received? His face relaxes, and he goes back to smiling loosely. 

 "hehh, what? its true.... you've always had such a cute face, such a cute laugh...." 

 He idly slides a hand across the table, facing upwards as if to ask for a hand in return. 

 "those are some of the things i really like about you...."

-- Ixia's face flushes more, and his soul flutters harder. Seeing the hand offered to him, he.. hesitates for a moment before placing his own hand on top, both moving in almost sync so their fingers can lace together. He casts his gaze downwards, his expression dropping a little.

 "..dont you mean 'liked'....?"

-- Spade looks Ixia in the eyes, his expression relaxed, but also.. serious. 

 "no," He squeezes Ixia's bony hand. "i mean what i said."

-- His chest tightens and he squeezes Spade's hand back in turn. 

 "but i... im not the same person to you, right?... not anymore...."

-- Spade shrugs a little bit. 

 "i mean, sure, if you wanna get all technical. you're younger, went through less shit, and you even look a little different, but...." 

 He tries to think for a moment, looking at Ixia through half focused eyes, pupils razor thin almost. 

 "that dont mean nothin to me... if you wanna change yer name, change yer whole life, i'd fall for ya again and again, regardless."

-- That look itself is enough to send shivers up his spine, and the words... almost enough to tear his soul apart. Especially when he thinks back to everything Wasp's told him in regard to... to his situation. But those last words... its like Spade kicked open the flood gates, cause he cant hold back his tears.

-- Spade releases Ixia's hand only to come around to his booth and sit next to him, embracing him and holding him tight. 

 "its okay.... just let it all out."

-- Ixia hiccups as he tries to hold back his sobs but when Spade sits next to him and wraps those arms around him he just cant help but bury his face against his chest and just cry. So much pent up emotion finally gets to be released... all his confusion, all his pain, all his doubts. After a few minutes of this, Ixia finds himself feeling a little lighter than when they came in. He sniffles, still as close to Spade as he can possibly be, his head tucked against his chest. 

 "w.. will.. will y-you st.. stay with me?...."

-- Spade nuzzles the top of that skull, a low purr rumbling in his chest and throat. 

 "if you want me to, then yea. i will."

-- Ixia sniffles and nods a little, nuzzling against Spade's chest (and also wiping some of those tears away in the process). When he feels relaxed enough to pull away he lets out a shaky sigh, rubbing at his face. 

 "i... i really am sorry it.. its just been so hard and you, you just... treat me like, well, me an thats... thats all i wanted.... thats all i want...."

-- Spade watches him intently, his tail lightly thumping against the booth. When Ixia finishes talking he reaches out and holds one of his hands again, lacing their fingers together, rubbing his thumb idly against the other’s hand. 

 "its okay... you're okay." He offers him a little smile. "whatsay we get a few more rounds in before we head out. you look like you need em."

-- Ixia sniffles and blushes as Spade laces their fingers together again, managing a little smile in return. 

 "y.. yeah, okay... sounds good to me...." 

 And they do just that, Spade staying next to Ixia all the while as they go through more drinks and even more small talk, but this time... this time, the closeness makes it all the more special. Thats what Ixia thinks at least.

They spend hours together before finally they part ways, both of them knowing their goodbyes wont last for very long. Not now, not after that night. 

[greekmythstoldbyanasshole]

Odysseus

So first off, we’re going to talk about Odysseus. Odysseus was like that smart, but weasely guy you know. The kind of guy who is great to have around if you need to find a way to sneak out of a bad blind date, but also the kind of guy who cheats on his wife while she’s sitting at home literally turning away handsome and rich guys left and right. 

But I digress. 

So, Odysseus was on his way back from the Trojan War on his way home to Ithaca. The place, not the college. At this point, his ego must have been huge, since he created the entire field of hacking when he designed the original Trojan Horse. 

After leaving Troy, Odysseus and his buddies were looking for a place to stop and chill out for a bit. I mean, I probably would have just grabbed a couple of Red Bulls and tried to power through until I got home, but that’s just me. They eventually found an island and thought, “This island probably isn’t full of monsters, so that’s cool.”

Island was totally full of monsters. It held the terrible Cyclopes, known for horrendous things like living in caves, eschewing government (and law) and grouwing crops from rain personally sprinkled by Zeus. Seriously? This is the description that these guys get? They’re horrible because they are special farmers who live in caves and fuck with the government? They’re only a few steps away from being a US Senator. 

Odysseus, feeling like Jesus, took 12 of his guys with him to do some ‘splorin’. He told everyone else to stay on board and remain at the ready at their oars, to which I’m sure the not-cool-enough-to-be-a-part-of-the-landing-party guys gave a very convincing nod and said, “Ya, we’re totally going to do that.”

O-dawg and crew then saw a cyclops and decided that the best course of action would be to follow the fucker while holding a wineskin full of specifically unmixed wine. None of that “Barefoot Red Blend” bullshit. 

Ok, so at the beginning of the story, I know I said that Odysseus was super smart, but the following tidbit makes him seem like a bit of a moron. He took one look at the big, ugly, Fox News Conspiracy touting Cyclopes and was like, “It’s customary for all Greeks to be, like, super inviting hosts, who give out sweet gifts to their guests. I’m sure these guys will be like that and not murder us in their caves or anything.”

Then, like a normal Air BnB guest, Odysseus waited in the bushes until the cylops started tending to his sheep, and then snuck into his house. 

When they got into the cave, everyone started bitching about how musty and cluttered it was, as if they hadn’t just broken in hoping for free shit. There were baskets full of cheese and animal pens full of lambs and little baby goats, who were hopefully weraing those little pajamas like you always see on Facebook. The cyclops had made a bed out of willow branches because Ikea hadn’t been invented yet. 

After a while, Odysseus’s homeboys started getting nervous about the whole, “breaking and entering” thing, so they suggested some light robbery. 

“Why don’t we just take some cheese and leave?” They asked, like dicks, “We can always come back later for some lambs.”

Odysseus decided to take the moral high ground. He packed up their things, left a nice tip and a detailed review, got back on his ship and sailed home. 

Just kidding. He acted like a baby. 

“They’re supposed to give us a gift because we’re their guests,” he pouted, knowing full well the difference between an intruder and a guest. He also had a name! How great. His name was Polyphemus, which definitely doesn’t sound like a sexuality. 

So Polyphemus came back to his house and had his sheep with him (like a normal person), rolled his rock-door into place and then milked his sheep. When he was done, he realized that there were 13 strange men in his cave. Not one to judge, but what kind of life does Polyphemus lead that he doesn’t notice 13 random guys in his house? Just how into milking his sheep does he get? Also, what were Odysseus and his crew doing while they were waiting? Politely coughing to let him know that people were watching? There are so many questions. 

When Polyphemus finally got around to talkking to them, he said, “Who the hell are you guys? Like, pirates? Or what?”

Odysseus, super pumped to get his weird guest-gift, said, “We’re Achaen soldiers. We were just fighting in Troy, but we got blown off course, so now we’re here by Fate. We’re in your cave because Zeus says that hosts should give their guests gifts...so...you know...”

“Dumbass,” Polyphemus retorted, “We’re Cyclopes, bruh. We don’t care about Zeus’s laws. We helped him defeat the Titans, so now he waters our plants. He’s essentially our sprinkler system. But,” he continued, “I do care about something. Where did you land your ship?”

As soon as Polyphemus said this, all of Odysseus’s men were probably like, “Fuck. We’re probably not getting that god-damned gift basket.”

Odysseus, though, being the king of thinky-thinky said, “We don’t have a ship. Poseidon decided to smash it against some rocks. We are the only survivors.”

Suddenly, Polyphemus remembered that he hated the number 13, so he grabbed the 2 nearest guys to him, smashed their heads against the wall, and then fucking helped himself to a nice meal. 

Cyclops Cave Air Bnb:

           We got some free cheese and the goat yoga was fantastic, but the host fucking ate my cousin. 2/5 stars

After that, the cyclops laid down on his sad excuse for a bed and went to sleep. 

After apparently just hanging out while his buddies got devoured, Odysseus pulled his sword out of his ass and charged headlong at Polyphemus. However, he paused halfway down the cave as soon as he remembered that there was a big-ass rock blocking the doorway. Remembering that he was better at verbal jousting than physical activity, Odysseus put down his sword to think up a plan. 

After waking up, the giant strolled over to his kitchen, cracked 2 eggs and made himself an omelette. Only, instead of eggs, it was men. Because this guy is just terrible. 

After this, Polyphemus led his sheep out to pasture, and rolled the stone back into place, because everyone in this story is a dick. 

At this point, Odysseus’s men start to cry, which is the first reasonable reaction anyone has had up until this point. Meanwhile, Odysseus decided to try something useful for a change. Among his weird collection of things, Polyphemus had a “hug olive wood log” which was “definitely not a dildo.” Odysseus told his men to sharpen the log and then harden it in the fire. 

When Polyphemus got back, he milked his sheep and then ate some Panda Express while watching Ellen. Nah, he ate more guys. 

After the cyclops was done eating, Odysseus gave him some of that crazy, unmixed wine. Which was apparently a big deal because, apparently back then, everyone would lose a drinking competition to a college girl named Amanda who passes out after 1 1/2 Bacardi Breezers. Anyways, Polyphemus downed it. 

“You know,” the cyclops slurred, “If you tell me your name, I’ll give you a gift.”

At this, Odysseus got a guest-gift hard-on. It didn’t matter that literally half of his men died, he was going to get some decorative bath soap. Odysseus just smiled like a sleazeball while pouring more wine. Not yet having gotten the spins, Polyphemus continued drinking. This whole cycle repeated itself again, and not until the cyclops was good and wasted did Odysseus say,

“You want to know my name? My name is Nobody. That’s definitely what everyone calls me. Nobody. I would tell you to ask my buddy over there to vouch for me, but you fucking ate him.”

Accepting this to be as normal of a name as Polyphemus, Polyphemus said, “Well, Nobody, here’s your gift: I’ll eat you last!”

At this, the cyclops laughed so hard that he threw up the wine and human bits, and then passed out in all of that. 

Gross. 

Without a moment to lose, Odysseus and his men pulled the log “out of hiding,” whatever that means, and stuck it in the fire until it was as red-hot as early 2000′s Ricky Martin. The men took the flaming rod and jammed it into the cyclops’ eye hole. Since he had killed all their buddies, they made sure to wiggle it all around and keep it there until his blood boiled out of the socket. 

Gross.

Meanwhile, Polyphemus was understandably freaking the fuck out. He was causing such a hubbub that all of the nearby cyclopes came over to see what all the yelling was about.

“Dammit, Polyphemus, what is wrong? Surely nobody is killing you by force or treachery?” they asked, apparently unaware of all the strapping young men in the cave.

Polyphemus screamed, “Yes! Nobody is killing me by force and treachery!” 

Apparently fed up with his sarcastic-ass answers, the other cyclopes said, “Ok, man. Whatever. If you are alone and screaming like that, you must be crazy. Try praying to Poseidon to cure your womanly hysteria.” And, without opening the door like decent friends, you know, to see if he was actually ok, the cyclopes just left. “Eh, he’ll be fine.”

Hearing all of his definitely-not-getting-Christmas-presents-this-year friends leave, Polyphemus screamed. He shoved the boulder out of the way and stood in the opening, ready to catch any shithead who tried to escape. However, Odysseus weren’t no bitch. 

Later that night, after the cyclops had put in his earplugs or something, Odysseus stole some branches from the branchopedic bed and used the branches to tie groups of 3 sheep together. He did this just enough times so that each of his buddies would have a 3 sheep luxury package, but not enough for him, because he was an arrogant motherfucker. 

After tying the three sheep together, he told his crew to each grab on to the belly of a sheep, which, I guess, were huge? Odysseus took the biggest ram for himself (phrasing) and held on. 

Instead of waiting until, like, 5 o’clock in the morning to grab some sheep, the poor suckers spent the whole night hanging upside down. When the sun finally rose, Polyphemus let his sheepies out to play. As the sheep went by their blind master, he tapped each one on the back to make sure no one was escaping. The following is how I picture that scene to have played out:

*pat pat*

“Hmm, this is weird. 3 of my sheep must have gotten tangled in my bed and got stuck together. I’ll deal with that later. Next!”

*pat pat*

“God, my sheep are dumb today. 3 more sheep are stuck together. Good thing I’m patting these sheep down for escaping prisoners, or I might think someone was up to something.”

*pat pat*

Odysseus and his big ram *wink wink* were the last to leave. As it came near the cave’s entrance, Polyphemus put on his Border Patrol cap and stopped the ram.

“My old buddy,” Polyphemus said to the ram, probably while looking in the wrong direction, “why are you in the back today? You usually lead the group. Maybe you feel bad that daddykins got blinded by that big, mean bully, Nobody? And he got me drunk! Rude. I’m sure if you could talk, you would tell me where he is hiding.”

But he couldn’t talk, because he was a ram, and that would not be logical. Like the rest of the story. 

Odysseus had a mild panic attack when Polyphemus *pat pat*ed his ram down, before it waddled over to its friends in the pasture. 

When all the sheep had gone far enough away from the cave, Odysseus and his men released themselves from the sheep. Can you imagine how badly their arms must have hurt at that point? I mean, I sometimes need to take a break when I’m straightening my hair, and that takes, like, 8 minutes. Tops.

After getting off the sheep with jello-for-arms, they grabbed a bunch of lambs (with their mouths?) and hauled ass down the mountain. When he finally reached his ship, Odysseus, being an arrogant moron, turned around and yelled, “You! The guy who was a dick and ate your guests, the ones who totally didn’t sneak into your shitty cave, I hope you enjoy the punishment Zeus has in store for you!”

Polyphemus, the guy who didn’t just hear the whole sheep plan, nor the sheep yoking, nor the lamb stealing, heard this taunt from forever away on a boat in the middle of the ocean. Pissed, he grabbed a piece of the mountain and threw it at the ship. It’s a whole new level of angry to rip off, and then throw, a piece of mountain. The piece of mountain grazed the ship, which resulted in a mini tsunami. This pushed Odysseus back into the shore. His crew frantically pushed the boat back out, where they doubled the distance they had before. Odysseus was about to call out to the cyclops again, but his crew told him to shut the hell up and be glad that they had escaped. However, Odysseus was mad and arrogant, and Twitter didn’t have the balls to block his account, even with all the racism and threats of nuclear war, so he yelled again. 

“Cyclops! If anyone asks you who blinded you, you can tell them it was Odysseus of Ithaca!”

Hearing this, Polyphemus remembered a prophesy he’d heard about the Boy Who Lived. No, not that one. About Odysseus. He prayed to Poseidon in the style of Veruca Salt, if Veruca Salt had become a dictator. 

“Don’t let Odysseus make it home! Actually, no. Let him go home, but all his friends die! And...it takes forever! And when he gets there, there’s a whole bunch of shit going on! And make his lawyer get arrested for paying off a prostitute! And kill his hamster!”

After praying/bitching, Polyphemus threw another mountain chunk at Odysseus. This throw also resulted in a mini tsunami that pushed his boat to shore. This time, however, it pushed the boat towards the rest of Odysseus’s fleet, which apparently existed. Instead of booking it, the men decided that right then was the best time for a gyro, so they ate a feast of the lambs they had stolen and drank DILUTED wine. When the sun rose the next morning, they took sail. They were happy to be alive, but also really sad about the guys who had been turned into BK’s Chicken Fries. 

But, the fun was just beginning because Poseidon was pissed. 

[intonertale]

Chapter 2: The Ruins

Silveria stared at Asriel, quickly pushing him back as she heard a familiar but powerful flapping sound and felt a strong downdraft of air. When she turned to look behind her, Lucifer was settling into a defensive position, mouth open. And the inside of his maw had the signature glow of preparing to breathe fire.

“Whoa, Whoa!” Silveria shouted, running to her companion’s side. “Easy. Stand down. That one helped me!”

Lucifer sent a jet of flame straight up and grumbled to himself, using some magic or other to shrink to the size of a parrot. Once stable in that position, he flew over to Silveria, who outstretched an arm for her to perch on. A small sigh left her as her soul returned to her body.

“Are you ok, Asriel?” Silveria asked, running a knuckle over the dark scales of Lucifer’s back. “Sorry about Luci. He’s quite protective of me.”

“Hey, no hard feelings.” Asriel said, grinning.

Silveria took a moment to get a proper look at him. His fur was as pure white as her hair on a normal day—thanks, rock dust—and he had bright, gold eyes that spoke of an endless kindness. He wore something similar to the robe of a priest, which made Silveria a little uncomfortable. The robe was green, with golden accents. On the chest was what looked like the language the Intoners sang in in a fancy design and in pure white.

“Kot goa aino shuna viveil.” The design read.

“Peace and Love sure prevail.” Silveria translated. “Huh.”

Asriel blinked, a slight pink tinge along his cheeks. “I didn’t think anyone from above could translate it. Mom said it’s a dead language.”

“I’d believe it. I’m the last Intoner, and I’ve been asleep at least a thousand years. I think King.... Jeggred Dreemur had just been coronated around the time?” Silveria shrugged.

“That’s.... my great-great-grandfather... Man, that’s closer to five thousand years.” Asriel’s jaw dropped. “Hey, come on. Let’s get you somewhere you can rest. Heck, my mom might try to adopt you. Just don’t mention your age, ok?”

Silveria smiled slightly. “Of course. Lead the way.”

Lucifer grumbled something along the lines of Silveria being too trusting. She just laughed and began to follow the goat. As soon as they exited the garden, they came across an area with a gentle shade of violet. It was a jarring change for Silveria, and she couldn’t help but think of a certain wyrm.

Then Silveria noticed a wall of spikes. And Asriel approaching it. While she was inclined to trust him, a pang got her chest.

“Asriel!” She cried out.

“Relax. Come on. Follow me, it’s a maze.” Asriel turned and smiled.

Silveria sighed and began to approach closer to follow. Just as Asriel had promised, some of the spikes went down as they were approached. It was a relief to notice.

“There we go.” Asriel smiled, patting Silveria’s shoulder. “See? Nothing to worry about.”

“I guess you’re right. Sorry... I’ve.... seen a lot.” Silveria sighed, doing her best not to go to into detail.

“We do know a little of the Intoners. But given that information we do have, seeing a lot seems to be an understatement.”

Lucifer have a dark chuckle. “With luck, the world has changed since then. Saving the world from the end of time gets boring after a while.”

“You two must do that a lot then!” Asriel laughed. It took a lot of the weight from Silveria’s shoulder.

“.... Four times, I think!” Silveria giggled.

“It’s a bit soon to admit that much, Silver.” Lucifer sighed. “But you seem to have a knack for reading souls...”

Silveria mentally facepalmed as she realized that she had not read Asriel’s soul. She closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths. And got exactly what she expected. The upside down heart of a monster soul, but in a deep green. A soul of kindness.

“So.... can I just call you Silver as well?” Asriel asked, snapping Silveria back to attention.

“Of course!” She chirped.

“Awesome. So, I’m gonna run and talk to my mother about this. Stay here ok? It’d be too easy for something to happen with some of the puzzles here.” Asriel was already leaving as he spoke.

“Sure, no problem!” Silveria chirped. But as soon as Asriel was gone, Silveria looked to the dragon with a smirk. “‘Splorin’ time?”

Lucifer shook his head and chuckled. “As if I could stop you.”

Silveria began to walk, practically vibrating in excitement. If there was one thing she loved, it was exploring new places. And it showed in the way she worked around the puzzles, grinning and giggling like a child the entire time.

The pair wandered the Ruins practically aimlessly, befriending each Monster they came across. From the small Froggits who gave advice for living in the Underground and were incredibly receptive to being pat on the head, to the tiny Whimsur who stopped shying away when Silveria sang to them, to the Moldsmals that let Silveria get a better view of life from lying down. Even the local Looxes—if that could be considered the plural—warmed up after Silveria showed a little kindness.

But the most curious Monster that Intoner and dragon came across by far was a little ghost lying on the ground and pretending to be asleep. Silveria couldn’t help but be curious and pick up a stitck to poke the creature. The ghost immediately got up and seemed anxious.

“O-oh. Am I... am I in your way? O-oh jeez... Hey, hey, I’m sorry. Oh, goodness.” The ghost said.

“Oh, sorry!” Silveria practically jumped back, startled. “You are there. I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“I’m okay.” The ghost replied. “I’m surprised you seem to care.”

“Silveria here is too soft for her own good.” Lucifer laughed proudly.

“And Luci is an overprotective old fool.” Silveria pulled a face. “Oh—oh no. Don’t cry! It’s ok!”

Silveria approached the ghost carefully, gently resting her skeletal prosthetic hand on their head. They leaned into the touch, earning a giggle from Silveria.

“I’m Napstablook, by the way.” The ghost explained.

“Can I call you Blooky? You’re so freaking cute I can’t even!” The Intoner grinned.

“O-oh. Um.... sure!”

“Hey. Hey. If you’re a ghost, and this is the afterlife.... would making a friendnmake it heaven?” Silveria have the dumbest freaking smile imaginable. Oh she knew that was a stupid joke. She was well aware. But that didn’t stop her.

“This is starting a lot later than I expected. It’s still stupid though.” Lucifer sighed. “No more puns or you’re grounded for life!”

“But. But I spent five thousand years as stone. Wouldn’t you say I was grounded long enough?” Silveria started giggling.

“OH MY GOD WOMAN IS THIS MY PUNISHMENT FOR ADOPTING YOU?!” Lucifer roared.

Napstablook, however, seemed to be enjoying the exchange taking place before them. They were chuckling nonstop.

“Well, Blooky thinks it’s funny. So, I’d say it’s a win!” Silveria hummed.

“Hey. Silveria. Lucifer.” Napstablook called, seeming eager in a really laidback sort of way. The moment both were looking, the ghost began to cry, the tears falling upwards and forming a hat. They seemed really pleased with themself. “I call it Dapper Blook.”

“I love it!” Silveria squealed, getting all starry eyed.

“Looks good, kiddo.” Lucifer nodded.

Napstablook seemed incredibly pleased with themself. “Looks like I made a couple of friends when I normally come here to hide from the world. I should head back now.”

“Take care, Blooky!” Silveria chirped as the ghost faded away.

[chrismbartlett]

This day last year I went out 'splorin with the homies while fur Mom @kaylinalexandra was designing services in the Midwest🐶❤️🐶 . . . . #catahoula #catahoulasofinstagram https://ift.tt/2Ldq0bm

[iconoclast-xayah]

The tiny bird girl gave an exasperated huff, her ears flickering slightly and her tongue poking out between her fangs at him, just a little. She folded her arms as much as she could when he was holding onto her.

"I dunno! That's why I was axin' you! You're the only other Lhotlan I seen. But I'm not dumb, this isn't the forest. I think dragon papa might know but I forgot to ask 'fore I went 'splorin'."

SCREAMS IN HIS EAR.

He grabs the small vastayan and throws her in the air, then catches her in his hands again.“NO FAIR, NO SNEAKS!!”