#and we have no hr so the harassment is fucking ridiculous

[ishizizzle]

I need to apply for scholarships more often! I hate that the main reason behind getting this job was to pay for classes but working for 8 months has gotten me no closer to my goal. In fact its taking my time for granted while barely paying me enough to afford weekly bills

[pluckyredhead]

So the Bill Willingham Steph post crossed my dash again and got me wondering... if you're a writer, what IS the best way to respond to fans (singular or group) that publicly call out your writing at a con? Obviously you shouldn't wish violence on them but since it's not like you can un-write the story, do you ignore them? Change the subject? Argue back?

I mean, I can't pretend to know the BEST way to handle a volatile question in a public space, when saying nothing is not an option.

But I also want to challenge the idea that fans were "calling out [Willingham's] writing," because that wasn't what they were doing. Sure, plenty of people said he was a hack online. But at cons, what they were asking was "Why doesn't Steph have a memorial case?"

I always hammer that point home because it's so astonishing to me now. We didn't want them to bring Steph back from the dead. We just wanted them to memorialize her fairly. We were asking for crumbs, and it infuriated Willingham and DC Editorial. To the point that when they did bring Steph back by revealing Leslie Thompson had faked Steph's death, Tim goes "So that's why she didn't have a memorial case!" They would rather have her alive than give a bunch of (mostly) female fans the tiny bit of fairness they had been asking for. It's just mind-boggling to me now how little we were willing to settle for and how angry it still made DC.

Anyway, the decision to kill Steph was editorially mandated, and the decision not to give her a case was also editorially mandated - neither of those were Willingham's decision to make. (The other objection fans had, the sexualized depiction of Black Mask torturing Steph, was also not Willingham's fault - that was artist Jon Proctor.) Now, obviously Willingham couldn't just say "Not my fault, ask DC" because throwing his employer under the bus would not have been good for his career. But DC also shouldn't have hung him out to dry.

I think ideally with any controversial storyline, the publisher should have a discussion with the creators about the best way to handle questions so that everyone is on the same page. But what happens instead is that creators (underpaid freelancers who are almost all in precarious financial circumstances) bear the full brunt of any anger, blame, or harassment, and the publishers (massive corporations*) get to ignore it.

Of course, in Willingham's case, he was not harassed, but asked a polite question ("Why doesn't Steph have a memorial case?") that he probably could have easily said was up to DC without getting in trouble. But instead he chose to publicly fantasize about committing violence against real women, because he was annoyed. So that's DEFINITELY not the answer.

So in conclusion: in general publishers should step up more, in specific Willingham is a fucking douche.

-

*When I say "massive corporations" I'm talking specifically about DC and Marvel, who are owned by Warner Bros and Disney respectively. Image is not a massive corporation. Also, DC Comics and Marvel Comics are in tricky positions because they are actually small, weirdly ramshackle legacy publishers who in a lot of ways still operate like they did when Marvel had two (2) actual employees, Stan Lee and his secretary Flo Steinberg. They operate on tiny margins, everyone who works there is criminally underpaid, their HR is a fucking joke... So like, none of this excuses editors for repeatedly not supporting their creators during times of controversy (THE FUCKING MOCKINGBIRD COVER, Chelsea Cain is a TERF but that shit was ridiculous), but I think it's also important to remember that when we're talking about the people editing these books on a monthly basis, we're not talking about Bog Iger or David Zaslav - we're talking about someone living in NYC or Burbank working 60 hour weeks on a $45K salary so that Disney has enough IP to make Guardians of the Galaxy 9 or whatever. It's complicated.

[compo67]

CN disability resources

Years ago, when I still worked at the bookstore, I vented on here that I was being harassed and would quit the next day. A reader messaged me and told me, "No! That's what they want you to do!" They took the time to educate me about short and long term disability.

So I went on leave. HR tried to dissuade me, they said I wouldn't have a chance at getting my claims approved. Well. By the second phone call with my claims manager, Stephanie, I knew her history with fibromyalgia and her dreams of opening a safe house for young unwed mothers. I got my claims approved and was on STD LTD for six months as I healed and found a new job.

Fast forward and I'm in a similar situation again, only this time, I have not been able to speak to anyone, but I have extensive medical documentation and more experience at this ridiculous, cruel system. The vendor said they would need to determine whether or not my conditions were pre-existing and if they were, they were not obligated to approve the LTD claim. Well, fuck. All my conditions but one are pre-existing. One is genetic, ffs. So I thought I was screwed, but decided to continue w the claim anyway. They requested a list of every doctor, hospital, and pharmacy I've been to in the past 18 months. It took me hours to do that. But I finished it this past weekend and wanted to know if I could attach these 15 pages to the form or just email it separate.

The vendor called yesterday, after two weeks from their request, and let me know that because I had LTD coverage under a previous vendor, the one we had right before this one, that they waived the pre-existing conditions clause. I only need my clinicians to send in medical records for them to make a determination.

The lesson here, dear ones, is to never ever decline STD LTD coverage from an employer. Pay for it. It is worth every penny. Never think you wouldn't be approved. If you have the support of your clinicians, the proper documentation, and the spoons, file those claims. Don't give up, as my wise reader said to me. That's exactly what they want you to do.

Get every benefit available to you. You've earned it. STD LTD unemployment, etc. Use your pto. If you're chronically ill, set up intermittent time off through FMLA so you can call off for flares and appointments. If you need to caregive for a family member, do so as early as possible with FMLA, without hesitation. Learn the ins and outs of how HR and disability vendors work so that you can protect and advocate for yourself.

I hope that this helps someone just like my reader helped me. Their help went beyond that moment in time and I'm so grateful.

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Magnolia

I don’t know much about Magnolia or Paul Thomas Anderson, but I do know that it takes someone paying me to get me to watch a 3-hr+ drama that doesn’t star Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio, and a really big boat. This is one of my mom’s favorite movies which is why she requested it for me to review. It’s packed with a balls-to-the-wall star-studded cast (Tom Cruise! Julianne Moore! Phillip Seymour Hoffman! John C. Reilly! William H. Macy! Felicity Huffman!) and I’m genuinely excited to see how they all fit together. Cause they have to all fit together in some coherent way, right? Well...

Do you remember in Sorry to Bother You when the Equisapiens came out and things just took like...a real turn? That’s kind of what this was like. Whereas StBY pushed a thought to its most extreme, but logical, conclusion, what Paul Thomas Anderson has done here feels like a magician doing a lot of impressive illusions - sawing a lady in half, making a motorcycle disappear, pulling smaller things out of bigger things - and then for his final trick, walking onstage amidst a grand plume of smoke, dropping his pants, taking a gigantic shit, and then saying, “You’ve been a great audience, thanks a lot and goodnight!” It’s not like you can say the experience was BAD. Everything up to the finale was a really great time! But when you’re left on a note that is that bafflingly odd, it kinda colors the way you’ll remember the whole thing.

Magnolia is the story of one long day in the life of 12 people living in Los Angeles who are all connected via an extensive web from acquaintances to married couples to parents and children to paid caregivers and beyond. It’s a day that has the same kind of ups and downs as any other day until it, well, turns into something else entirely. I’m not sure how else to explain it, but if you want to know more, spoilers will be spoiled below.

Some thoughts:

Patton Oswalt cameo! I am a massive fan and thought I knew his whole filmography and OMG how did I not know that he was in this!!

Ok, in spite of my skepticism this entire opening sequence about coincidence had me hooked IMMEDIATELY. Like, this is some damn good storytelling, if this were a novel, I would not be able to put it down - that pull, that’s what it feels like.

Am I the only person whose encyclopedic memory of character actors/roles gets distracted when they see someone from something that is wildly disparate compared to the role you’re currently watching? For example, I had to pause the movie and confirm via IMDB that I did just see Professor Sprout from HP scream “Shut the fuck up!” at her husband while brandishing a shotgun.

Would people really recognize a grown ass man from being a successful child game show contestant? I’ll tell you the answer, no they wouldn’t, because no one realizes that Peter Billingsley (aka Ralphie from A Christmas Story) is the head of the elf production line in Elf.

I knew this was a stacked cast, but holy SHIT this is a stacked cast. If I had $1 for every fantastic character actor I recognize in this, I would have at least $37, and these are people in the film who have maybe 2-3 lines each. It’s a deep bench is what I’m saying.

This makes me miss Phillip Seymour Hoffman so, so very much.

Watching PSH care for and be so compassionate and gentle with his hospice patient, Earl (Jason Robards),makes my heart ache terribly. All of the people who have been unable to perform this kindness, this type of compassionate care for their closest loved ones as they lie dying in isolation of Covid...it’s overwhelming.

OMG I’m counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 Very Good Dogs in the old man’s house!

I know Scientology is evil and he’s undeniably a complicated and morally grey person. I know all that. But goddamn I just love watching Tom Cruise COMMIT. Particularly when he commits to just absolute fucking sleazebag slimeballs. And boy oh boy is Frank Mackey an absolute fucking sleazebag slimeball.

Related - I know Frank looks like Tom Cruise, so he could get people to sleep with him no matter what, but I honestly feel like as a human being, this flesh suit is WAY more attractive balding and fat in Tropic Thunder than he is in this shiny brown shirt/leather vest/long hair combo.

I’m getting an uncomfortable vibe about these black characters being written by an artsy white dude, because I don’t know any young black kids who want to hang around with cops and offer up information about who committed a murder in their building. In fact, the way all of the black characters are treated in this film - as liars, criminals, the disingenuous “main stream media,” and thieves - feels rooted in some racist ass bullshit. We see a lot of nuance in our white characters, but even in a film that has, shockingly, more than one key black role, we don’t get that spectrum or nuance.

There is nothing I would love more than to learn that Frank Mackey is 1) gay 2) impotent or 3) both. He’s so disgustingly over-the-top misogynistic, it honestly feels like it should all be a complete act.

I confess I am on the edge of my seat trying to figure out how all these narrative threads tie together. It’s compelling as hell, even though half the time I don’t know why these people are having these long, meandering conversations. The pacing feels so deliberate, like a puzzle coming together. There’s real craftsmanship in how every scene is plotted to feel connected rather than manic or disjointed.

This pharmacist is being unprofessional as hell. Judgy McJudgerson, mind your fucking business, Julianne Moore’s father is dying! [ETA: ope, that’s embarrassing, Earl is actually her husband.]

NO THE DOG IS EATING THE PILLS OH NO VERY CONCERNED ABOUT THE DOG.

I think I knew this, but this soundtrack is fantastic. All Aimee Mann and Supertramp, and Jon Brion’s score is this thrumming, anxious thing full of strings that underscore all these nervous conversations, and then it shifts into these low, mournful horns when things start to take a turn and everyone is reaching their lowest points.

I love this interviewer (April Grace) who is taking Frank (Tom Cruise) to task. I think it’s particularly noteworthy that she is a black woman, because the kind of misogyny Frank peddles is rooted in white supremacy.

Stanley (Jeremy Blackman) is breaking my goddamn heart here. I think he and Phil (PSH) are my favorite characters.

Jim (John C Reilly) is the perfect example of how even a cop with the best intentions, with absolute kindness and love is in heart, is abusing his power and sexually harassing a woman he encountered in the line of duty, who is eager to appease him because she doesn’t want to be charged with a crime. This movie reads a LOT differently than it did in 1999.

I normally really love Julianne Moore, but she is a screeching mess in this. I can’t stop staring at her mouth and all the contortions it makes as she delivers every line in hysterics. She’s one of the few weak spots for me here.

Listening to Frank go on his whole diatribe about what society does to little boys to break them and victimize them HAS to be the source of where Keith Raniere got at least half of his NXIVM bullshit. Like, some of these points are word-for-word.

Also if Frank makes as much money as he seems to, there’s no way he would drive a shitty Saturn sedan.

It feels like the common thread of this movie is everyone is terrible and cheats on their spouses, and you should come clean when you get cancer so you can die peacefully. Weird moral, but ok.

If Jim is a cop, how does he not see that this woman he’s interested in (Melora Walters) is coked out of her mind?

Y’know for being a quiz kid, Donnie (William H. Macy) sure is kinda stupid.

I confess I’m not taking many notes throughout this because I’m just kind of sitting breathlessly still watching all these conversations unfold because I am on the edge of my fucking seat to find out how all this is gonna come together.

Secret MVP of this movie is the mom from A Christmas Story (Melinda Dillon) who is giving the performance of her goddamn life as Jimmy Gator’s wife.

Did I Cry? On the surface it appears ridiculous, but when Tom Cruise is having his breakdown at his dying father’s bedside, I admit, that really got me. If you’ve ever been faced with that kind of hysterical, I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening, it feels like the whole world is ending kind of shock and hurt and anger, that’s what the crying looks like.

Are those......frogs?? That landed on Jim’s car? It’s raining fucking frogs???? OK for those of you sensitive to frog harm, this movie is going to take a real hard left turn for you, because I swear that came out of NOWHERE.

Um.

What.

Pray tell.

The fuck.

The climax of this movie - is when literal frogs rain from the sky.

And we finally got resolution about the dog, and the dog DID die, and I’m pissed about it. It’s offscreen but still.

I'm sorry - I know I’m fixating. But how is it possible that I knew about all the characters performing a sing-along to Aimee Mann’s (excellent) song “Wise Up” but I did NOT know that the climax of the film involves literally thousands of frogs falling to their death from the sky? How is that something that escapes entry into the cultural zeitgeist? I’m with it, you guys. I have been Very Online for over a decade, and before that, I read a lot of Entertainment Weekly, and like it just seems that this is something that pop culture really should have told me.

I think the funniest moment of this movie might be the credits in which I discovered that not only is Luis Guzman playing a man named Luis, he’s actually playing himself. I don’t know why, but I can’t stop laughing about it. That was a 189-minute setup to one dumb punchline.

I think I loved this movie but I don’t quite know. The frog thing really threw me. What I’m taking away from it is that even when it doesn’t feel like it or seem like it, we are all connected to each other, always, in ways we can’t see or know. As Wife astutely pointed out, it’s reminiscent of the pandemic - we’re all in the same storm, but we each have our own boats and our own experiences within that storm. And it’s kind of nice to remember that right now, that connection still exists even when it feels so far away. Just not if you’re a frog I guess, cause they really got the short end of the stick here.

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

[johnnq]

50 & 141

"use your words." and "you know you want it, sweetheart."

pairing: mark lee x fem!reader

work. as usual, the run of the mill stuff you always did. working on business reports, arranging meetings with clients and spending a ridiculous amount of time making a budget for each month.

you were standing up, leant ever so slightly over the printer in the main common area for all workers, printing off more sheets to fill in for the next client, trying to fix the jam error that was causing your printing to not come out properly.

you would of continued with the current printing you were doing, if it hadn't been for the firm hit that was delivered to your backside, causing you to immediately turn around to see what, or rather who had just done it.

nobody that could of done it was around, surprisingly. doors to offices were shut, the corridors were quiet, except for mark lee, your unfuriatingly cocky and sauve co-worker at the company you had worked at for three whole years now.

although your position was higher than him, and that made you technically his boss in a strange way, it didn't stop him taking advantage of the fact you were soft spoken, non-confrontational and had a slight crush on him.

there he stood, a smile on his face that said it all. you knew he was the one who had done it, and he didn't seem to be too fazed when he saw your eyes change as you realised it was, either.

"lost for words are we? how cute." he taunted, looking around to check nobody was currently in the building.

"oh please, give me a break. i just don't get how such an attractive guy like you has to be a such an asshat in order to feel like he's got the upper hand."

he stops for a moment. i've got you now, you cocky fucker you think to yourself, seeing the inner cogs of his mind working and how he's desperately trying to come up with a response.

"interesting choice of words. does that mean that i've already got it then?" smirking, he approached you until he was close enough, and took the chance he had to pull you into the main office, closing the door and locking it, very hastily pushing you against the nearest wall.

"got what, mr lee? the only thing you seem to have right now is a hard-on." looking down at his pants seeing the prominent bulge, you couldnt help but smile at how easy he was to antagonize.

he took your wrist in a deathgrip and moved your hand to his clothed cock, making you run small movements up and down it.

"i know ive got the upper hand, y/n. you wouldn't still be standing here in this room with me if you didn't want to be."

in that moment, you made eye contact, and for an uncomfortable amount of time it didn't falter, not even once.

"you locked the door, and forced me up against a wall. i could just as easily go to HR and tell them you harassed me, and assaulted me, then wouldn't let me leave. so don't talk to me about having the upper hand, because trust me, mark - if anyone's got the upper hand, it's me."

at hearing this, you watched as mark's face change when he realised you meant what you said.

"and what if i just decide to grab those dainty little wrists of yours and pin them behind your back while i fuck you, hmm? are you gonna go to HR after that?" he threatens, taking a hold of your wrists, his grip tightening as he waited for an answer.

the nerve.

"maybe. it all depends on how good you fuck me, doesn't it?" you say back, trying to keep a completely straight face as in your head you're already imagining him finally doing what you've wanted him to do for years.

"oh come on, you know you want it, sweetheart. i've seen the way you look at me when you think i'm not paying attention. drop the act and admit it, you've wanted me to bend you over any available surface since the day you met me."

you pause. fuck, he's right you think again.

"fine. it's true, but what are you gonna about?"

in seconds, you were being manhandled onto a desk, the items that once sat on top of it, splayed across the floor as mark hurriedly pushed them off to make room for you. no complaints from you, lips connected in a kiss so passionate you almost didn't believe mark lee was the one on the other end.

"you want me to fuck you then, princess? right here on this desk? you filthy slut."

the only response you could give as you both undressed, lips still connected was a nod and 'mm' sound, your shirt, skirt and then underwear being discarded to the floor in the heat of the moment.

"use your words, y/n. do you want me to fuck that pretty little cunt of yours right here on this desk or not?"

"yes, for fucks sake mark. right here, right now."

immediately you could tell that that really gave him a massive ego boost, the darkening in his eyes and the lustful stare he gave, left little to the imagination.

"good girl. see how smoothly things go when you play by the rules?"

[phantom-ellie]

The Art of (Smashing) Crockery Chapter 17: The Day that the World Breaks Down

Summary: The Badmintons strike back. Stede is pushed too far. Can he unfuck his life now?

Click here for CWs/Full Chapter List

Stede enters Richard Wellington’s office in Human Resources for the second time this week.

“I really hope that I’m here because you’ve changed your mind,” he says, removing his jacket and taking a seat.

“About…?” Wellington doesn’t greet Stede, or even meet his eye.

“The complaint I filed?”

Wellington sighs. He looks like he wants to be anywhere else.

“You’re here because a complaint has been filed against you by… certain employees.”

Stede narrows his eyes. “A complaint? Who?”

“I’m not at liberty to say who.” Wellington clears his throat.

Stede rolls his eyes. “What is the complaint?”

“It’s about you and your assistant, Lucius Spriggs. There’s been a complaint that you two are… performing sexually explicit acts on company property.”

Stede bolts upright in surprise. “I’m sorry, what? No, absolutely not. That is ridiculous. This is retaliation, isn’t it? From the Badmintons?”

Wellington finally looks Stede in the eye. “Retaliation for what, exactly?”

“For the complaint I filed against them on Tuesday, you nut!”

“What complaint?” Wellington shrugs.

“What do you mean, what complaint? I was in here reporting them for sexual harassment, and this meeting is further sexual harassment-”

“There is no documentation of any complaint from you. We take harassment seriously here at BG&E…”

“No, absolutely not!” Stede stands up, furious. “I am not a frog in a boiling pot. At some point, I have to jump out.” It isn’t worth it, it was never worth it, why have I put up with this? Is my self-esteem really that low?

Willington lifts up the paperwork and straightens it out on the table. “Of course, there will be a full investigation-”

“You know it’s bullshit. You have cameras. I’ll save you the time going through them, or making up whatever bullshit you need to make up to discredit me. I’m out.” Stede grabs his jacket and heads for the door.

“I don’t think your father would appreciate-”

Stede whirls around. “Just what is your job,Dicky? What the fuck sort of HR is this? Are you my babysitter? My overseer? Is he watching through some sort of creepy camera?” Stede waves his arm around in fury. “Well, if so, I hope he can see this.” Stede flips Wellington the bird and waves the finger around with a flourish.

He leaves the office and heads for his desk, seething. And it’s true, he’s furious with his father and fucking Dick Wellington and all of the other cowards that have surrounded him all these years… but most of all, himself. For sitting in the pot for so long. For just dealing with it. For teaching them how he could be treated. No one deserves this.

His temper subsides when he reaches his own office and sees his friend sitting at the desk outside.

Lucius. Shit.

“How did the meeting go, babes?” Lucius asks, not even taking his eyes off of his phone.

Stede sighs.

“Lucius…” Lucius needs this job. Lucius has to pay the rent. Stede is leaving him to be eaten alive.

Lucius looks up at him.

“What happened?”

“I’m… so sorry. I’m… I’m writing my letter of resignation. I quit. I’ll explain everything off of company property.”

Lucius frowns and squints his eyes at Stede. Then he sighs.

“Oh thank god, this place is such a hellhole. Think you can write mine as well? If I go now I can meet Pete for lunch and never see this place again.”

Stede starts. “Just… like that?”

“Yes, just like that! Why would I stay at a place like this?! I only get one life, babe! Thank god I never unpacked my box.” He starts throwing office supplies into a cardboard box of trinkets and pictures with one hand while texting with his other. “Can’t wait to tell Pete! He bet that I’d last twelve days, and today makes thirteen!”

Stede watches in shock for a minute or so before quietly entering his office. He packs up everything he wants to take with him, a few mugs and photos and drawings. He spots the broken ceramic pieces of hisWorld’s Okayest Dadmug in his desk drawer. He scoops up the pieces and covers his desk with them, tossing his security badge among the shards. Then he ends his career.

This is my resignation from Bonnet, General & Electric. I am giving no notice. I am giving no explanation. I will see myself out via security. I do not consent to any further contact from any employee or corporate officer of this company. -Stede Bonnet PS: My assistant, Lucius Spriggs, resigns as well. He’s already left.  

He hits send and practically bolts out of the building with his box before anyone (father) can say a word to him.

---

Stede sits in his car outside ofBlackbeard’s Breakery. He sighs and picks up the phone, making a phone call he’d imagined for years.

“Hi, Mary.”

“Stede? Why are you calling now? Is something wrong?”

“No? Maybe. I… I resigned from the company.”

Silence on the other end of the line.

“Mary? Is that… okay? I couldn’t… I’ll explain everything later, but I just couldn’t do it anymore.”

“Stede… I’ve been wanting you to quit that job for years. It’s a miserable place full of miserable people.”

“I know. I’m… sorry I took so long to do it.”

“Are you okay? Do you want to meet somewhere for coffee? I have art class but I can cancel-”

“No, it’s okay, really. I’m fine. I’ll be home later. I need to figure out what to do about my assistant, Lucius. He resigned too and… I don’t want to leave him in the lurch.”

“That’s nice of you, Stede. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Mary? Do you think… do you think we can fix things? With…” He hears a sigh on the other end of the phone.

“We’ll talk about it later Stede, okay?”

Another call comes through Stede’s phone.

“All right, Mary, someone is calling and I have to pick up.” Stede hangs up and checks who is calling him. It’s his father. He sends it straight to voicemail with a sigh.

Someone taps on his car window and he jumps, almost dropping his phone into his lap.

“Hey man, you’re here early!” Wande smiles through the window. Jim stands behind him and gives a wave.

To be honest, Stede had completely forgotten that he’d invited them to Ed’s rage room this afternoon. In the whirlwind of Stede’s life-changing decision he had found himself here, ready to tell Ed everything.

But Wande and Jim seem like nice people. Stede is trying to make an effort to make friends.

“Hey, guys! Dudes! You both!” Stede says, rolling down the window. “I’ll be right in! I just… I just quit my job and I’m dealing with the fallout.”

“You worked for BG&E, yeah? Fuck those guys.” Wande holds out a hand and Stede shakes it.

“Bunch of assholes.” Jim mutters.

“I hope I didn’t fuck everything up… let me…” Stede looks down at his phone as he receives a text.

Edward Bonnet: Get back here right now. You don’t get to leave on a whim. I will not leave this, or you, alone. You will reach the level of competency I expect or I will drag you there.

Stede frowns.

Stede: Get fucked, you miserable old bastard.

He blocks his father’s number, and then goes through his contacts and blocks everyone his father could send after him. It’s the majority of his contact list. Gutting it feels like an exorcism.

---

The twelfth time Stede enters the rage room (not that Ed’s been counting, why is he counting?) it’s with a blush, flanked by friends.

“Stede quit his job!” The man yells, clapping Stede on the back.

“Stede! You did it!” Ed cheers back at him, a slight pang of jealousy at the fact that he wasn’t the first to know. Why would he be jealous? Stede has other friends. He doesn’t have to tell Ed everything.

“Hi Ed,” says Stede, “It was sort of on a whim? I came here straight afterwards.” He puts his hands on the counter and looks at them like he doesn’t know what to do with them.

“Finally got fed up?”

“You have no idea. I… that thing we talked about last time? That I asked for?”

“Mmhmm?”

“Ireallyneed that.” Stede looks around nervously. “I’ll tell you about it later, but…”

“Hi, I’m Wande! You must be Ed. Stede won’t shut up about you.” Ed shakes Wande’s hand.

Ed holds out his hand to the other person, who just gives a short wave.

“That’s Jim. They aren’t the talkative type.”

“Nice to meet you, Jim.”

Stede pulls out his credit card. “Whatever I asked for in the room tonight… I might need you to double it. I need to break… everything.”

Ed smiles. “You look like it.”

“Would you join us, Ed? It’s weird having you out here while we’re in there having all the fun.”

“I dunno, what if there are more customers?”

Stede rolls his eyes. “I have never, ever seen another customer in here. I’m starting to think this business is a front.”

Ed gasps. “Are you accusing me of criminal behavior?”

He hears a cough as Wande and Jim clear their throats. You’re flirting on main, loser.

“All right, I’ll come break shit with you, but you have to help me move it all in there.”

The four of them spend a few minutes carting in various breakable items. Well, three of them. Jim has their eyes fixed on a flier pinned to the cork board outside of Ed’s office.

“What’s interestin’ ya, mate?” Ed asks, noticing their distraction.

Jim rips the flier off the board.

“My Nana works here,” they say, holding it up. It’s a fundraiser for Los Robles Youth Home.

“Yeah, my friend Izzy does too. I put those up in case someone wants to send some cash to help out.”

Wande stops in the middle of helping Stede cart in a chest cooler. “You know Izzy Hands?”

“Yeah, he’s my mate. How do you know him?”

“Oh, uh… we lived there, for a bit. When we were teens.”

Ed smiles. “Small world, isn’t it? So did I. A bit.”

Stede shuffles awkwardly, clearly not wanting to butt in on the conversation. Ed decides to move past it.

“Let’s all get in the room, yeah? I bet we all have stories we can rage about.”

As they put on their safety gear and get situated, it’s clear that Stede and Jim have plans for their session.

“Jim’s going to teach me how to throw knives!” He says with a little too much glee. Ed grimaces, wondering if that’s a good idea.

“Hold on, tipo, you promised you’d work on my swing first,” Jim retorts, grabbing a baseball bat.

So Ed and Wande find themselves leaning against a back wall while their more… energetic friends proceed to swing bats and throw knives with abandon.

“Would the world really be improved by Stede knowing how to throw knives?” Ed wonders out loud. Stede shoots a glare at Ed and shushes him.

“You think I’m gonna stop Jim from doing what they want to do? I’ve been trying to keep them out of trouble foryears. It’s hopeless.”

“Clearly, if you ended up at Los Robles.” Ed crosses his arms. “I’m guessing Jim’s nana is the Nana Jimenez?”

“Yeah, one and the same.”

“I can’t believe she’s still working there. She must have seen so much shit.”

“Definitely. Especially from us. Almost everyone in our group of friends went through there, you know?”

“No shit?”

Stede steps back from watching Jim swing the bat and joins the conversation.

“Everyone? Including… Buttons?”

“Oh, no, Buttons just drives the van. Hey Ed, you know Buttons?”

“I don’t remember a ‘Buttons’. Must have been after my time.”

“Believe me, you’d remember him.”

Stede thinks for a moment. “I wonder if Buttons would benefit from a nice rage.”

“You never know, with him.” Wande looks over at Ed. “Stede said you play music sometimes. Got anything that’s… like… vibes?”

Ed looks over at Stede, who shrugs.

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Take requests?”

And that’s how Wande, Jim, Stede, and Ed find themselves taking turns with the sledgehammer to Mistadobalina by Del the Funky Homosapien.

When it’s time to leave, Stede pauses at the counter where Ed has returned to his spot.

“Ed… are you… was it okay? Being there? At the group home?” Ed feels touched that Stede is trying to listen to him, to connect with him while there’s so much going on in his own life.

“It wasn’t a bed of roses, if that’s what you’re asking. But I made a lot of good friends. A support system, you know?”

Stede smiles. “I’m glad you have that. I’m glad that you give back. I feel so selfish, all my problems are so-”

“They’re just different problems, Stede. You’re allowed to be human and have problems, even if you didn’t have what we had.”

Stede blushes again. “I know it couldn’t have been easy… but I feel a bit… jealous? That you all had each other. I could have… used a group of people like that, when I was young. I think I would have ended up happier.”

“I don’t know about that. It’s a rough life. You could have ended up in prison, on drugs. Dead.”

Stede nods. “Yes, you’re right, that was ignorant of me. I just feel like… there’s so much world out there that I’ve missed while I’ve been stuck in my own life. I’m glad I met you, Ed.”

“Sounds like you’re saying goodbye, mate.”

Stede scoffs. “Of course not! I’ve quit my job, I told my father to go fuck himself, I have the whole world ahead of me. Right?” He looks a bit unsure.

“That’s right. What are your plans now?” Ed bites his lower lip to prevent himself from asking for more time with Stede, more time in the rage room, maybe more timeoutsidethe rage room.

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it at all.”

“I was beginning to think that without your job you won’t have anything left to rage about.” Ed sticks his lower lip out in a pout, hoping that Stede believes he’s joking more than he actually is.

“Edward Teach!” Stede slaps his hand down on the table. “I will never not have something to rage about! My life is still in complete shambles! And anyway,” he continues with a smile, “I have some free time in my future. We can get out of this strip mall and have some adventures of our own, you know.”

Fuck, he sounds so suggestive saying it like that.

“We’ll see, Bonnet. We’ll see.”

Except from blog Hear Something Weird: This is a song for when you have completely imploded your entire life. Not that I’ve done that, no sir. I’m just an anonymous man on this anonymous blog, no life to implode. But if I had made giant split-second life-changing decisions, I might listen to something like this. In theory. Maybe. The Day that the World Breaks Down - Ayreon Comments: BasicallyGayJesus: is this why my boyfriend doesn’t have rent money all of a sudden HearSomethingWeird: I gave ‘Lucy’ 6 months of rent money! What did he do with it? WandeRection: probably spent it all on condoms and cropped jackets LucyFlawless: um it’s called a group chat for a reason, keep your sass there please TheRealWande: Grats man! Also @WandeRection can you change your damn name already? He’ll think you’re me. HearSomethingWeird: Wait… which one of you is you? TheRealWande: I am me! That is Frenchie! WandeRection: Don’t listen to him, m8. I’m the real one, promise.

Chapter 18

[yourcoolfriendwithallthecandy]

My submission for day 5 of @ravus-week under the everyone lives AU- but this one is also a modern Hospital AU and Coffee shop AU all rolled into one. This is actually a slightly different twist than my Magic and Miracles high school AU because there’s lots of similarities between the two. Because that also features Sylva owning a hospital. But with this one, his father is still alive and a doctor too instead of an artist like he was in M and M. And under these circumstances Ravus is a precious awkward sweetheart of a nerd because he’s had his family and ‘kingdom’ never stripped from him and it’s crazy how different people can turn out when you don’t rip everything they hold dear from them at a young age. 

Rated PG only because of a little bit of language and some kissing and things at the end. Also featuring Ravus/Selena pairing. 

Ravus Week- Hospital CEO AU/Coffee shop AU/EVERYONE LIVES AU

Ravus stood in line at the cafe in the hospital’s lobby as he patiently waited for his favorite barista Selena. She was currently taking orders and dodging all the flirtatious comments made by the other male patrons, mostly the other doctors, nurses, staff and the like who he knew had wives but who flirted shamelessly anyway. But Ravus could only partially blame them. Selena Ulric was the sweetest and most beautiful barista this cafe had ever had and her smile was brighter and warmer than sunshine itself. On her days off, he never even got coffee here because he had a Keurig in his office that he tended to use but even he couldn’t resist her. At least he had the decency to not outright flirt with her while she was at work. Not that he would even have a clue what he was doing if he even tried anyway. He was hopeless when it came to flirting and girls.

“Good morning Dr. Nox Fleuret, the usual this morning?” Selena asked cheerfully when it was his turn as she grabbed a large cup and her pen to write down his usual order which never over the course of the whole year she had been waiting on him- had ever changed. Not since he had come back from college and medical school and started working here full time with his parents, his mother especially, who owned the hospital. His little sister Lunafreya had just gotten accepted into the same medical school he had just graduated early from.“Yes please, thank you Miss Ulric.” Ravus nodded in confirmation with a shy smile as she punched the order in without having to look at the screen.

“So how’s Luna liking medical school?” Selena asked as she started to make his order herself, trading stations with her co-worker as she quickly grabbed the best looking muffin and snagged a raspberry macaroon and put them into a little pastry bag and handed that to him first so he could eat the macaroon while he waited for her to make his coffee order. He did notice, however, that over the course of the year, that she personally made his order, he had always thought she knew who he was and was afraid anyone else would get it wrong and that was why she tended to do to not just take his order, but fill it personally herself every time. She never seemed to do that with anyone else though, not that he noticed anyway.  

“Oh she’s getting overwhelmed I think. She said she was a disaster with drawing blood, she blew five veins.” Ravus revealed and Selena made a grimace that Ravus found completely adorable and couldn’t help but chuckle before he stopped himself, he had the most ridiculous and annoying laugh in his own opinion. “It’s ok, I blew eight the first time we did labs.” Ravus admitted as he finished his macaroon and fished a twenty out of his wallet to put in the tip jar, happy that he was usually the highest tipper at least, partially because of how much he liked and admired her and partially because she always gave him extra mocha flavoring without ever charging him for it and filled his cups to the point of overflowing, which he appreciated.

“Yikes,” Selena laughed as she continued to put his coffee order together before she overflowed his coffee cup again and had to take a towel to wipe it off real quick before she put the lid on. “Remind me to never let you draw my blood.” Selena teased which got Ravus to bark a loud deep belly laugh and one that he immediately clamped his hand over his mouth to stop. God it was like he was part Goofy. Hy-yuck! But it got her to laugh too so it couldn’t be all bad. Her laugh was beautiful and melodic and music to his ears.

“Hey now, I’ve gotten better, a tiny bit.” Ravus playfully defended himself.

“Sure you have,” Selena playfully jabbed before she finished his order and handed it to him.

“Do you think you’ll need your usual at three too?” Selena asked curiously and Ravus could have sworn she seemed almost hopeful but quickly stamped that down. She couldn’t have been. He was reading too much into this, like he felt he always did.  

“Probably, it’s quarter report day so chances are I’ll be back at noon also.” Ravus informed her and couldn’t help but smile when her whole being lit up at that too but he couldn’t figure out why.

“Well I’ll see you then- then.” Selena nodded as she snorted a laugh at her own choice of words as she blushed and couldn’t help but smile bashfully.

“Yup, see you then,” Ravus nodded and took his coffee and went up to his office.

At noon Sylva and Ravus stood in line to get their afternoon coffee and Sylva frowned when she witnessed so many of her male employees and co-workers flirt with Selena to the point Selena was visibly uncomfortable but had to put on a smile for the sake of customer service. It was ticking Sylva off that it was borderline sexual harassment.

“Does this happen all the time?” Sylva asked her son.

“What, the line?” Ravus asked in confusion as he looked up from his phone.

“No, that all the men harass Selena.” Sylva clarified.

“Uh, well all the guys flirt with her...” Ravus admitted as his blush darkened.

“No, that’s beyond flirtation, that’s harassment. That poor girl. Do you ever do anything about it?” Sylva asked her son and Ravus blushed even harder and ducked his head as he shamefully shook his head ‘no’.  

“I’ve wanted to but I never know what to say or how to help, this isn’t high school or college where I could outright punch someone for crossing the line.” Ravus confessed to his mother, dropping his voice to a low murmur.

“Well then you’re going to learn how to help.” Sylva insisted as she grabbed her son’s hand and drug him to the front of the line, dropping his hand when he was able to keep up with her.

“Dr. Liben, did I just hear you proposition my favorite barista when you already have a wife and daughter her age?” Sylva called out loudly and angrily as she stood next to him and crossed her arms over her chest and fixed him with a hard look and an angry snarl that had Dr. Liben’s color drain from his face as well as every other guy behind him breathe in sharply while their eyes went wide as they witnessed this. Oh fuck, Selena was Sylva’s favorite barista? Oh they all needed to behave then. Sylva’s wrath when protecting people she deemed worthy and seemed to adopt- knew no bounds. She would start, fight and win any war if it came to protecting people, especially younger people who were about her children’s age and younger.

“N-no, no, of course not.” Dr. Liben stuttered as he looked at his boss in subtle horror and Ravus caught Selena’s breath of relief.

“You know there is a coffee maker in the doctor’s lounge, I suggest you learn how to use it or learn some manners, respect and how to properly express professional courtesy or you, me, HR and the legal committee could always get reacquainted with section 14 of the manual on sexual harassment in the work place this afternoon.” Sylva put to Dr. Liben pointedly as his eyes grew wide and he gulped.

“No, no, that’s alright, the- the coffee maker in the lounge is fine.” Dr. Liben answered.

“Good, don’t forget to leave a tip and apologize for your inexcusable behavior.” Sylva reminded him as she looked from him to the tip jar and back at him pointedly.

“Yes, yes of course.” Dr. Liben stuttered and took out a twenty dollar bill and stuffed in into the tip jar and quickly and sincerely apologized to Selena before he walked away with his last cup of coffee he would probably have from the cafe.

“Selena, I know you have my number, please use it. Please don’t ever feel you have to put up with any of that, especially for the sake of customer service.” Sylva gently and softly urged Selena with all the warmth and gentleness she would use with her own children.

“Ok.” Selena nodded in understanding with an appreciative smile to both Ravus and Sylva.

“Well we’ll get back in line.” Sylva said.

“No need,” Selena shook her head no and handed Sylva and Ravus their preferred afternoon coffee orders that she had been working on while Sylva had been ‘chatting’ with Dr. Liben. “On the house, thank you so much for your help.” Selena smiled appreciatively before Sylva and Ravus both put twenty bucks each into the tip jar.

“Ravus, I suggest you give Miss Ulric your business card with all your numbers on it so that she can call you if she ever has another situation like that that will need to be handled.” Sylva suggested to Ravus.

“Yes of course.” Ravus nodded and put his coffee down on the counter and got a pen and wrote down on the back of his business card- his cell phone number.

“Here, call me if you ever need help with... anything.” Ravus offered to Selena as he slid the business card towards her across the surface of the counter.

“Thank you Dr. Nox Fleuret.” Selena smiled as she took it and smiled at the handsome picture of him on the business card.

“Ravus, feel free to call me Ravus.” Ravus clarified as he gestured to himself.

“Selena,” Selena nodded and smiled brightly again bit her bottom lip out of habit and Sylva blinked in surprise as she looked from her son to her favorite barista as her own grin grew scheming. There was something there after all! How long had there been something going on between her son and Selena?! Oh her husband was going to have a field day when he found out his efforts to get his son together with Selena hadn’t been for naught. And here she thought her husband had just been a wild goose chase with that.

“So how come you’ve never thought to intervene before?” Sylva questioned her son as they walked to the elevators.

“I didn’t know I could Mother.” Ravus answered as he sipped his coffee carefully.

“Well now that you do, will you?” Sylva asked as the elevator doors opened and she and her son stepped inside before Ravus hit the floor where their offices were.

“Absolutely.” Ravus confirmed with a nod as the elevator doors shut.

“And how long have you liked her for?” Sylva asked slyly.

“Since I started working here...hey!” Ravus realized as Sylva finally gave into her own giggle.

“So why haven’t you asked her out?” Sylva asked as she angled herself towards her son.

“Because she’s at work. It’s inappropriate.” Ravus answered, knowing that was the ‘right’ answer and Sylva raised a challenging brow at that and simply waited for her son to give his real answer.

“I don’t know, maybe she has a boyfriend already, I’m probably not her type. I don’t want her to think I’m just like all the other guys. Plus I sincerely doubt you or Father would approve.” Ravus rattled off all the excuses he had given himself for not asking her out.

“Oh my God, Ravus, you’re a grown man, you don’t need my approval or your father’s approval for anything anymore, especially something like this. There is nothing wrong with her or her line of work if that’s what you’re getting at and she’s a sweetheart, why wouldn’t we approve? Plus you could always ask her when she’s not on the clock and ask in such a way so that she could always say no without giving any reason for that ‘no’.” Sylva asked. “Or are those just the excuses you give yourself?” Sylva questioned.

“I don’t know, I don’t think she likes me, she’s nice to me because she has to be, it’s her job, I shouldn’t read into it, plus, I don’t know how keenly aware you are of the fact that I’m awkward Mother.” Ravus confessed as he swirled the coffee around in his cup and stared at the lid like it had all the answers to his problems. “You know I’ve never been good with girls. She’s so pretty and I’m not even average looking. She deserves better.” Ravus mumbled and Sylva couldn’t help but huff a little through her nose. Leave it to her son, the ‘genius’ to not pick up on subtle social cues and notice when a girl is into him. No wonder he had never dated in high school or college, girls probably tried to throw themselves at him but he was too oblivious to notice them.

“Ravus, tomorrow, after she gets off of work, you should ask her out, don’t ask her out to coffee, ask her out to dinner or even lunch if you don’t want it to be that formal. Take her somewhere nice, but not too nice where she would feel uncomfortable. Oh, actually take her out to…” Sylva began as she pulled her phone out and pulled up her notes because Selena often gave Sylva really good advice on where to go get lunch from.  

“Take her to The Purple Pig. That’s her favorite bistro, she loves the five layers of happiness sandwich, make sure she doesn’t eat just a salad. Talk, be charming, make her laugh.” Sylva specified.

“Mother how could I possibly ask her out after the example you just made out of Dr. Liben?” Ravus asked.

“Because you never have, you probably don’t even flirt with her do you?” Sylva asked.

“No, it would be inappropriate, clearly.” Ravus repeated and ducked his head again as the elevator doors opened and they walked back to their offices. ‘That and I wouldn’t know how.’ Ravus admitted in his head.

“Yet I doubt that’s why you never have. Ravus, your father and I have always encouraged to go after what you want. If you want to go out with her. All you have to do is ask, the worst that could happen is she tells you no and you learn to drink only Keurig coffee.” Sylva urged before she left to go back into her own office where her takeout had just been delivered.

Ravus barely got any of his work done and before he knew it, it was already 3:35.

“Fuck, I missed her.” Ravus hissed to himself in realization, knowing that Selena went home at 3:30. Maybe she was running late again today. He got up and quickly jogged to the elevator and mashed on the down button before the elevator doors opened to reveal Selena standing there with a cup of coffee, dressed in a hoodie as her apron was already off like she was on her way home for the day.  

“Hello Ravus, did you forget something?” Selena asked as she offered him the cup.

“Yes! Oh my God, bless you for remembering, my day just..got away from me, I thought I missed you, you didn’t have to bring it all the way up to me. Thank you so much though.” Ravus said as he gratefully took it from her.

“You’re welcome.” Selena nodded before the elevator’s doors began to close.

“Wait!” Ravus said and shoved his hand between the doors to keep them from closing as Selena reached for the button to keep the doors open too.

“Um, I know the scene my mother made earlier about the harassment thing and all and I should probably get reported for this but um, would you, if you didn’t already have plans, um, like to go get lunch with me sometime?” Ravus asked as he fought to look up and look her in the eye as he asked that and felt like blubbering idiot for not being more smooth with his delivery.

“Why not dinner?” Selena asked as she tried to bite her bottom lip again to keep herself from smiling so wide her face would split in half.

“Dinner, dinner would be great too, uh, just name the time and place.” Ravus put to her.

“I’m free tonight.” Selena offered.

“That works, I’ll probably be working till six though.” Ravus realized.

“Ok, we can meet at seven then.” Selena suggested.

“Perfect, um, want to go to the Pig? The Purple Pig I mean?” Ravus asked, tripping all over his damn self.

“Sounds great, I’ll meet you there, see you in a little bit.” Selena smiled brightly that was immediately mirrored by Ravus too.

“See you then, have a great afternoon, I can’t wait.” Ravus said before the doors closed again, Selena waiving a little as they did, Ravus waiving dumbly back as his heart soared.

“Yes!” Ravus cheered once the doors shut and the elevator began to descend again.

“What?” Abbey, Sylva’s assistant asked when she heard him.

“Is my Mother busy?” Ravus asked as he came running around the corner to see her, careful not to spill his afternoon coffee.

“She shouldn’t be.” Abbey gestured to Sylva’s door and Ravus came into his mother’s office.

“Guess what?!” Ravus crooned when he came into his mother’s office to see her going over paperwork too.

“Chicken butt.” Sylva snickered and laughed even harder when Ravus gave her an unimpressed look.

“I have a date.” Ravus revealed.

“Really? You asked her out already?” Sylva asked as she noticed the coffee cup in his hand and noticed there was Selena’s name and phone number written on the cup along with something else written on it too.  

“Yeah, I totally lost track of time and forgot to go down to get my 3 o’clock coffee and she brought me this after her shift ended. Isn’t that sweet? So we’re meeting tonight at 7 at the Purple Pig.” Ravus proudly informed his mother.

“Oh good! Don’t forget to put her number in your phone.” Sylva reminded him.

“What? I don’t have her number.” Ravus shook his head no and frowned in confusion.

“That’s not her phone number on the sleeve of the cup?” Sylva asked as she pointed to it.

“Huh?” Ravus said as he held the cup differently and turned the cup around before he found the number written on the sleeve as well as a simple question asking him out written in her handwriting before he lit up again and Sylva laughed again. Her son was like a nerdy golden retriever sometimes.

“Well good, I’ll make sure you’re out of here by no later than five.” Sylva urged.

“Oh our date isn’t until 7.” Ravus shook his head.

“Yeah, trust me, you’ll need the extra time, go home, get cleaned up and get her some flowers, and not from the gift shop here. Go to an actual florist and put something together for her. And don’t forget to make a reservation.” Sylva reminded her son before she turned back to her paperwork as Ravus got back up from the chair he had sunk into before leaving his mother’s office.

“And don’t forget to have fun.” Sylva added as he left her office.

“Yes Mother,” Ravus sighed in mock resignation.

By 4:30, Ravus was a sweaty nervous wreck, he had gotten absolutely nothing done that was work related. He had called ahead and made a reservation at the restaurant and then spent half an hour pouring over their menu online and then spent the remaining time looking up the meanings of different flowers. He skipped out of work and went home and took another shower and shaved again and got dressed in slightly dressy casual clothes. He went to the florist his father had always went to and had Mr. Gray help him put something together. Nothing really big but something really nice that was really beautiful that smelled amazing and that meant something should she be so inclined to read into it.

He went to the restaurant by 6:45 and fidgeted with the buttons on his sleeves of his button down shirt as he kept an eye on the door. Just as his beer got served to him did Selena come in through the door, right at 7 and looking more beautiful than Ravus had ever seen her looking before. Because she came to work so early, her hair was always put up into a pony tail or a messy bun and she never wore makeup. But now, her hair was down in soft curls and her makeup was done and she was looking particularly gorgeous and it took Ravus’ breath away. She scanned the room and Ravus waived at her before she came over and sat down.

“Hi,” Selena greeted cheerfully as she sat down across from him.

“Hi,” Ravus breathed before he remembered he got her flowers. “Here, these are for you.” Ravus offered her the flowers.

“Oh, thank you so much.” Selena beamed as she took them and smelled them. Making a pleased hum as she did so.

“Hey Selena, what can I get you to drink?” Crowe asked as she was their waitress.

“Oh, uh, could I get my favorite please? Thanks Crowe.” Selena smiled cheekily at Crowe when she saw Ravus was drinking a beer.

“You got it, want your fave as an app too?” Crowe instigated.

“Actually could we do a tasting menu please?” Ravus suggested and Crowe and Selena blinked in surprise at that before they gave each other a meaningful but agreeable look.

“Sure thing,” Crowe nodded and wrote that down and left again with their menus.

“So you come here often?” Ravus asked Selena when Crowe left as he noted they must have known each other.  

“I work here,” Selena huffed a laugh as she took a sip of her water.

“Oh! We could have gone somewhere else, I just, my mom told me you liked a sandwich here, that’s why I thought you’d like it here.” Ravus explained.

“It’s ok, I love the food here, I work here just on the weekends as a bar tender.” Selena informed him.

“Oh, awesome,” Ravus nodded before the two of them fell into a very easy conversation before the first of the appetizers were brought out along with Selena’s favorite drink which wasn’t even on the menu and Ravus seemed to notice how Crowe wasn’t even waiting on any other tables and seemed to be low key lurking around their table and watching them when she wasn’t in the kitchen. He then also noticed two different guys look through the little window of the doors to the kitchen every once in a while after each new plate was brought in. Maybe they were just protective friends? Seemed reasonable.

“What do you keep looking at?” Selena asked as she noticed Ravus’ line of sight deviate from her every so often.

“Two guys keep staring in our direction at the door to the kitchen.” Ravus softly informed her.

Selena turned and looked and just as she did two figures ducked from the window and huffed through her nose.

“Please excuse me for a moment.” Selena excused herself from the table and walked straight to the kitchen and pointed at the two figures when they reappeared in the window before they hung their heads in defeat that they got caught.

“Really?! Snooping on me on my first date?!” Selena demanded from her brother Nyx and his best friend who might as well be her brother too- Libertus, once the door was shut and she put her hands on her waist.

“Why didn’t you tell us you were on a date?” Nyx asked.

“Because you’re not my keeper! Besides I told Crowe and she’s our waitress and keeping an eye on us anyway. She’s not even waiting any other tables. She hovers us like the hawk she is!” Selena explained. “Look, Ravus is special ok, he was the only guy at work who didn’t flirt with me, to the point I didn’t think he even liked me and I practically had to ask him out on this date. He’s sweet and kind and his father has been trying to get us together ever since I started working there two years ago now. He’s the one I keep messing up his order because I’m too distracted by his gorgeous face and he’s never once complained. So we’re ok, chances are, he’s not even going to try to kiss me or make a move because he was raised to be respectful and polite. He hasn’t even tried to hold my hand or anything.” Selena explained.

“Is there a problem?” Crowe asked as she came into the kitchen.  

“Is he ok?” Selena asked Crowe worriedly.

“Yeah, he’s fidgeting like crazy though.” Crowe answered.

“With his buttons?” Selena asked and Crowe nodded. “Nervous habit, I should go make sure he knows everything is fine, so y'all can chill-ax, I’m fine, everything is ok.” Selena reassured everyone before she left and returned to the table where Ravus was trying really hard to keep it together and remain calm and not freak out.  

“Sorry about that.” Selena apologized.

“No, it’s ok, they’re probably just protective right?” Ravus guessed.

“Very, overprotective. But don’t worry about it ok? This is fun, I’m having fun at least, are you?” Selena reassured him and Ravus nodded yes.

“Good,” Selena smiled brightly and noticed he stopped fidgeting with his buttons, he did that the first six months he started getting coffee from the cafe and his dad had explained to her that it was his nervous habit so whenever she got him comfortable enough around her to not do that she took that as a victory.

The rest of the date was amazing and Selena found herself enjoying his company a lot more than she thought she would and wondered how on earth he had managed to stay single all this time.

“You know your dad told me you were usually pretty awkward and I can see you’ve been trying really hard not to be,” Selena noted as she tried to compliment him but it came out wrong, like most everything she tried to say to him that wasn’t coffee related, why was she like this?

“You can tell huh?” Ravus’ eyes fell as he picked at the food on his plate. Shit- he thought he was doing so good she wouldn’t notice how helplessly awkward he felt all night as Selena wanted to face palm herself.

“No, that’s not a bad thing, I’m not complaining or anything. Sorry, I was trying to compliment you and it came out wrong. I’m usually very awkward too and I’m trying really really hard not to be either and obviously I just failed and inserted my entire foot into my mouth.” Selena confessed as her whole face flushed and wasn’t surprised when Ravus’ head lifted and he looked at her in confusion.

“No you’re not,” Ravus gently argued.

“Really? Do you know that even though I try every weekday to make your coffee, I mess up more than I’ve gotten it right? Have you ever noticed how you always seemed to have too much mocha flavoring or the milk is practically scalding or I have to wipe down the cup because I always seem to overfill it?” Selena revealed.

“I just thought that was normal. I actually like it when you put in too much mocha flavoring and thought you were just trying to give me my monies worth.” Ravus admitted and Selena blushed and shook her head.

“Nope, honestly I just get so distracted by your gorgeous face I completely forget how to do my job. My coworkers keep a tally, they stopped keeping track after I broke a hundred times messing up your coffee.” Selena confessed and ducked her head to have her hair hide her embarrassed face as she couldn’t help but laugh.

“Nuh uh, the only people to ever call me handsome have been my parents and my sister and they’re biased.” Ravus countered disbelievingly as he shook his head no.

“Doesn’t mean they’re wrong.” Selena practically sang as she finished her drink before dessert was finally brought.

“Wait, you’re serious? You think I’m handsome?” Ravus asked point blank after Crowe left again, not being able to get over the fact that a girl who he wasn’t related to thought he was handsome.

“Gorgeous. And yes I do, very much so.” Selena insisted.

“Has your drink been tampered with?” Ravus asked as he pointed to it and Selena had to laugh even harder. Oh he was precious.  

“I’m positive my drink has not been tampered with, I’m not crazy or delusional or running a fever or anything like that, my judgment is not impaired in any way, ask me tomorrow and my answer will be the same.” Selena reassured him and tried to stamp down her giggle as he seemed to consider that revolutionary thought for a long moment.

“It’s not a joke and I’m not kidding either and no- you’re not dreaming, yes I’m absolutely sure.” Selena added before she stuffed her mouth with cheesecake when he seemed to open his mouth to argue again before he closed it again and looked at her a little more puzzled that she seemed to have read his mind again as she smiled victoriously over her slightly bulging cheeks as she chewed and Ravus wanted to just stand up and kiss her beautiful, precious and adorable face.

“Ok I don’t get it.” Ravus finally admitted before he dug into the cheesecake too.

“Don’t get what?” Selena asked over her still full mouth, putting her hand over her mouth so he wouldn’t see her half chewed food.

“Why you agreed to go out with me.” Ravus clarified as he just continued to look over at her in confused amusement.

“Oh I’ve wanted to go out with you for a year now and been trying to give you subtle hints and I don’t think you picked up on any of them. Your dad has been trying to get us to go out for two years, ever since I started working at the hospital. He’s told me all about you, how you’re usually shy and awkward and how you fidget with your buttons on your sleeves when you’re nervous, how you graduated Harvard summa cum loude and got your four year degree in just under two, how you went to NYMC and got your six year doctorate in less than three years, also summa cum loude, and how you graduated high school early with highest honors too. That you live on coffee and textbooks and how you just turned 21 just a couple of months ago yet you’ve never been the party type or the dating type because you have a hard time connecting with people but yet you have no trouble with empathy or sensitivity.” Selena listed off as Ravus’ jaw subtly dropped.

“Your father is obviously very proud of you and your accomplishments.” Selena surmised. “Ok so to even the odds, would you like to know more about me so we’re a bit more even?” Selena asked and Ravus nodded yes breathing out a breath of relief as he mentally made a note to talk to his father that night or even tomorrow, but right now he needed to focus on her and what she was saying and even after Ravus paid and even tipped Crowe a very generous tip, they stayed and talked until it was almost closing time and Selena began to go sleepy and her eyes started to droop as she started blinking slower and slower and more often.  

“We should probably call it a night.” Selena decided once she looked over at the clock.

“Probably,” Ravus nodded in agreement as he got up and was pleasantly when she took his hand and walked with him out of the restaurant.

“So where’s your car?” Ravus asked as he paused outside of the restaurant but didn’t want to let go of her hand just yet, he loved how their hands fit together and loved the feeling of just holding her hand.

“Right over there, care to walk me to it?” Selena asked, not wanting to let go of his hand either.

“Sure,” Ravus agreed and started walking with her.

“So I had a lot of fun tonight, can we go out again?” Selena asked curiously.  

“Yes please, just, again, name the time and place and I’ll make myself available.” Ravus answered.

“Well I don’t really get a lunch but I love brunch and I usually go to the Broken Egg cafe around 10:30 for my break, would you like to go with me?” Selena asked hopefully.

“Yes, I’d love to.” Ravus confirmed.

“Could I kiss you?” Selena asked and Ravus nodded again before he kissed her, finally something he had been wanting to do all this time and he was so relieved she asked because while he was trying to find the courage to do so, he was still falling short. He couldn’t help but reach up and cradle her face in his hands, her beautiful, precious face.

This kiss was, in Selena’s opinion, hands down, the best first kiss she had ever had. She hadn’t had many, but it was still, above and beyond everything so far. It was electric, it was soft and tentative yet full of so much promise. She opened her mouth to him and softly swiped the tip of her tongue across his lips to see if he’d open his mouth to her in turn. She was delighted when he did and inhaled sharply through his nose and Selena was partially expecting him to pull away and use his hold on her face to pull her away from him, instead he almost froze until her own hands went to his waist and simply let her hands settle there for a heart beat before her own hands seemed to firmly take hold of him and pull him to be flush with her. And that seemed to be what he needed to let the floodgates let loose. And faster than Selena was expecting he pinned her to the side of her car and opened his mouth wider and kissed her deeper as his fingertips dug into the back of her jaw and her neck and he threaded his fingers through her silken locks and the kiss morphed from sweet and tentative to passionate as he seemed to pour his heart and soul into this kiss and Selena couldn’t help but wrap her arms around him and completely surrender to him. She could feel his hardening length as it was either purposefully or accidentally pinned between them and she realized he was packing and felt herself grow wet as she did her best to kiss him back in kind. Wow he was a much better kisser than she thought he’d be. And couldn’t help but fist her hands into his shirt under his coat.

When he finally pulled away for air, his eyes opened again to see Selena slowly open her own eyes as he searched her face for any sign of distress or disinterest or anything negative and to his shock, there was nothing of the sort. Instead happiness and adoration and...dare he hope? Affection? Love maybe? Seemed to appear on her face before he realized he was probably too close and took a step back so he wasn’t pinning her anymore before he realized he had a hard on and worried that he just crossed a line, she could probably feel it. Oh God.

“Wow,” Selena breathed as she continued to keep her hands at his waist and smoothed out where she had fisted her hands in his shirt.

“Yeah, very wow.” Ravus breathed and nodded as his hands slowly fell from her face, he didn’t want to let her go, but his propriety told him to reestablish their distance.

Selena giggled again, the sound making him smile brightly before he realized that her hands were still on his sides so he settled to simply let his hands stay where they were, his fingertips on the back of her head and neck as his thumbs were on her delicate jaw. She wasn’t pulling away from him and she wasn’t giving any indication that she wanted him to stop touching her.

Then she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him and holding him and kissed him again. Softer and sweeter this time as his arms wrapped around her in turn. Lord have mercy, did it feel better than anything ever had before to hold her in his arms. To kiss her, to taste her, to be close to her to be in her company. Her and coffee, his two addictions in life.

When the need for air arose they both pulled away and panted softly but smiled brightly at each other and rested their foreheads together and just stayed like that for a little bit before Selena felt herself grow even more sleepy and knew she should really go home and go to bed but she really didn’t want this date to end or this moment to end either, it was perfect. Ravus had been a perfect gentlemen and such a fun date and one hell of a good kisser which she had been really surprised, she had expected him to suck or at least be lack luster from lack of experience but color her surprised and she really, really, really liked him.

Ravus could tell by her drooping eyelids that she was growing sleepy and knew he needed to let her go sooner than later. “Are you going to be ok to drive home? You’re looking sleepy.” Ravus noted.

“Yeah, I’m good, I’ll be fine, I can text you when I get home to let you know I made it home safe.” Selena offered.

“Please do, I would worry otherwise.” Ravus admitted before he finally forced himself to withdraw from her. It had been the hardest thing he had ever made himself do.

“Then that’s what I’ll do, good night Ravus, I’ll see you in the morning and I’ll text you in a little bit.” Selena offered as she stole one more quick kiss before she got her flowers from the hood of her car and got in and waived at him before she drove away.

Ravus walked back to his car, feeling like he was walking on air and couldn’t stop smiling even if he tried. He got a text from Selena just as he pulled into his own driveway that she had made it home safe and he texted back that he had made it home safe too and looked forward to seeing her in the morning and meeting her for brunch as well and couldn’t wait until he saw her again.

His Selena.

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I ripped up my pop-up laundry basket because I was so pissed that somebody or even the delivery stole my 2 boxes of pizza and the cheese bread off of our front porch and I paid dominos $30 for it.

I had to call them to see if he dropped it off at the wrong house or just didn't pay attention. Cause I came downstairs to check at 4:55 and nothing was there, then I went back outside at 5:00, still nothing....opposite to what my dominos tracker said.

And I bought this fucking pizza to make my day because I was so tired, depressed, and sick of being reminded of Jay while watching porn, changing videos that it made me cry because of how she used to sexually reject in the middle of us having sex and then would tell Ayunna to do my work just because I made one mistake or just really wanted to just sit there and watch. I don't understand what made her so non-interactive with me sexually even though she was the one who always initiated. And she acted like she hated the idea of me even touching in any kind of way without her permission, but it was okay if she touched me innappropiately or harassed me at their place?

She's a sicko, a sicko psycho.

And mom, not even giving a fuck that someone stole the food I was finna share pissed me off even further. She goes, "well, at least it will help you save money. You don't need to be buying no food anyway."

Bitch stfu.

And then Dominos actually thinking I'm the one lying about this. We've ordered food and bought pizza from them for years and this is the 1st time that we've ever got our delivery food stolen. Like wtffffff.

And mom knows good and damn well if I would have said that to her if one of her Amazon Packages got stolen, she would have cussed me out or told me to shut up.

She so fucking rude and I really don't wanna move out to no bummy ass looking apartment when I move out, just because the prices are so fucking in the area I'm trying to move into.

I don't wanna move to a different city with the same issue? Bitch if somebody steal anything from me, packages, mail, food, I pop the fuck off and mom was so nonchalant and passive about it, even when I asked her to check the ring camera to see if anyone took it.

It don't add up to me how there was barely anyone outside and the one day I order pizza because I feel unhappy, I get this fucking news and that bitches mouth.

Dominos gave me partial money back and kept the $4 tip. I'm still pissed because I don't believe or understand how can my food get stolen less than 5 min from what it said on the app, unless he arrived earlier than what it said 🤔

And nobody told me what time he came. He didn't even ask me was I alright. Talking about "well believe you this time. But we're not coming back."

Like WTFFF I GOT MY PIZZA TOOK AND NOW YOU WANNA BE A SMARTASS ABOUT ME STILL EVEN WANTING TO ORDER MORE

FUCK YOU, FUCK MOMS SARCASTIC, EGOMANIAC MOUTH, FUCK THIS HOUSE, FUCK THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, AND FUCK THIS PTSD THAT STOPS ME FROM ENJOYING PORN AND EVERYTHING ELSE IN BETWEEN.

IM TIRED OF THIS FUCKING JOB MARKET THATS SO DAMN CRITICAL IN JOB EXPERIENCE AND PROGRAMS.

BITCH IF I GOT 6YRS EXPERIENCE AND I GOT MY BACHELOR’S WTFFFFF IS GOING ON IN HR

THEY ACT LIKE 6YRS AINT WORTH SHIT IF YOU DONT HAVE EXACTLY TO THE FUCKING T OF WHAT THEY'RE LOOKING FOR.

AND MOM AND DAD THINKS ITS SO FUCKING EASY FOR ME TO JUST APPLY AND WAIT FOR ANOTHER FUCKING JOB, ONLY FOR THEIR PRIVILEGED, SUPPRESSING, CORPORATE ASSES TO TELL ME NO.

IVE BEEN WAITTTTTING SINCE JANNUUUUUUAAAARRRRRYYYYYYYT MMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFF

SO HOW THE FUCK YOU SAY I CAN JUST APPLY HERE AND THERE AND EVERYWHERE IN FUCKING WACKED OUT MICHIGAN WITHOUT SOMEBODY SAYING "WE FOUND BETTER, QUALIFIED CANDIDATES"

Like as if my own life history on this fucking resume doesn't mean shit to them. Makes me think I went to school and did dual enrollment to get out quicker, for nothing 🙃

Wtf is wrong with this world. It's exactly why I say fuck Michigan economy. Now I gotta work factory just to even save up for a car, rent is high af, student loans finna come find my ass, and I don't have a girlfriend because I'm trying to wait till I have an affordable apartment and a car that won't break down on me on the highway in the middle of us driving to Vancouver.

Driving school is only $500. But in order for me to save up for a car, I gotta stay in a $600 or less place cause otherwise imma have to wait a whole entire year to save up for a car, the insurance, gas, and the maintenance costs by the end of next year...so no...fuck that.

With this fucking salary, I'm basically feel like shit because my own fucking friend who's middle class and actually stayed longer to get her masters after I graduated....is already banking a better job, work from home, and I hate complaining to Her about my worries.

And she's the one that inspired me to even go back for the masters. Because they treat you like secondhand condom shit just for having a Bachelor’s. Like it ain't good enough no more. Then when you try to apply to places for the experience that you needed to work another job that denied you, you still get denied by them too because they said your major doesn't match and why you wanna work here if you studied this?

CAUSE YALLL AINT GOT NO JOBS FOR WTF I STUDIED STOP READING FUCKING EVERYTHING SUSAN. I AINT GOT TIME TO EVEN ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT THAT

it's like they really don't care in the 1st place, they just wanna know if you qualify and half the time I be lying about why I wAnNA wOrK hErE because yall cats read into people shit and judge them for just trying to make a living just to even have a place to stay and eat healthy food so a bitch can find better partners than the fuckbois and users on tinder.

I'm soooooo damn tired of being judged, mocked, criticized, and being rejected. And then the past mocking me about old rejections that I'm still waiiiiittttttiiingggggg for me to heal from. A year or nor, my heart still feels like it's January, thinking about everything and why did I block Jay when they reached out?

I was afraid that she would have just lied to me again, pushed me away even harder because I had already left, and then blocked me after. When I'm the one who chose to leave, I'm the one who is hurt, why did they always make it seem like my pain came last to their pain. Like it was always about serving them, doing what they said, what they wanted just because they were the couple, and took over every God Damn thing, and kept pushing me away, neglecting my emotions, manipulating and etc.

I don't even wanna talk about the same shit that happened anymore. But my brain does, my heart does. Because I remember everything. My heart can't make the pain go away, but I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of crying about it and I hate that people in this house can trigger my actions to tear up shit, scream at the top of my lungs like a damn scarecrow on DragonBall Z, I'm tired of mom triggering me to think she hates my actions and the way that I think say or do something she doesn't agree about or care about, so she comments on everything little thing she despises.

When I'm already struggling to be happy. She does not give a fuck. And I bet if I told her I was feeling suicidal holding that wire from the laundry basket in my hand, feeling manic so I strangled my palms, my knuckles, and squeezed the crap out of that wire hoping it would make me forget about ripping up that piece of shit hamper, and make the irritation, that need to strangle somebody, something to make this itch go away to attack my mother with my words and tell her TO HURT HER OWN GOD DAMN FEELINGS INSTEAD OF KEEP HURTING MINE, YOU ARROGANT, COCKY ASS SON OF A BITCH AND I HATE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DO TO ME. PIERCING IN MY FUCKING BACK, THE DRY ASS, PETTY ASS RESPONSES TO WHEN IM GOING THROUGH SHIT.

BUT LET ME SAY ONE LITTLE THING ABOUT YOU OR EVEN TALK ABOUT GRANDMA YO ASS ACT LIKE I JUST SINNED AND CURSED YO NAME OUT.

SO YOU GET A HISSY FIT AND TELL ME STOP TALKING OR TO SHUT UP.

QUIT TELLING ME TO SHUT UP HOE

I HAVE NO PLACE TO GO BUT HERE AND IM NOT FINNA SUFFER THROUGH THIS BY MYSELF. IM BUYING ME SOME FUCKING PIZZA AND YOU WILL NOT DRIVE MY ASS CRAZY AGAIN.

I'm sick of the ptsd episodes and I'm sick of waiting on other people to give me what I need, so if she got something to say about it, imma let her fucking have it. Cause I'm sick and tired of holding my mouth for her, and her ordering me to shut up, while she gets to sat however she fucking feels about each and little she feels the need to pick at.

Let her country, dumbass catch this heat. Imma bounce it right back to her and she ain't gonna like it. And I don't care if she wants me to just tolerate it anymore, she gon end up dead in her heart too if ever tried to kill me like she did that night in March. She showed no mercy, no remorse, and no she had not stood by her promise to make our relationship work as mother and daughter. She just said that so she didn't have to feel like a dick for her own daughter leaving her out the picture by going to her other mother, the one who understood her sensitivities and actually listened to my needs.

And that was Grandma Clara Jamison.

I hate to say it but, God why? Why did both of my grandma's have to fade. My other grandma don't even remember who I am. And If I talk to my own mom, about her mom, and say that she won't care to comfort me at all. She'll just angry that I made her feel bad because of my emotional response.

So I don't tell her anything. Cause my mom reminds me of how the terrible twins responded to me about being too sensitive, too emotional, to where they even blocked me and abandoned me. Made me suffer alone.

Just like my own mother is doing now, and it's driving my ass crazy. That she's them. Not my ex, but a narcissistic asshole, the bipolar freak who flips out and I can't come to her when I'm in pain, sadness, depression, or grief, anger even.

Because she ridicules me for having a strong feeling about something that doesn't matter. So she talks shit, goes away, or pushes me away when I try telling her in my most vulnerable state.

Which is when I'm crying or about to cry. I can't even come to my own mother about giving up and moving away to the mountains or a cabin or just committing suicide with pain pills. But she doesn't think about that. She doesn't think that her constant neglecting me, is showing me, I can't trust her.

And that's exactly how I did Jay, and walked away.

I'm there for you, but you're not there for me?

I'm out.

And I'm tired of just giving and getting hurt in return because you don't care about the situation that I'm in, nor do you care to listen.

So don't get all I'm ready to come whoop yo.ass or call the police on me again, just because I didn't answer my phone. You hurt me momma, repeatedly and you show out every so.often and I'm tired of getting disappointed and crying by myself because you don't come check on me when I isolate myself from you in the house. My back hurts everytime she does that, cause she triggers a memory that I can't forget.

I could have hit my head, got a concussion, or even broke my neck if I didn't catch my fall and pushed you back, because you decides that night Kylee doesn't get to talk. You came at me yelling and pushing and thought that I would just take that fall down those metal basement steps for you and that everything would go back to normal the next day?

Like that fight you had with Dad just last week where you punched him in his nose, screaming and cussing at him over you being in pain and him not showing you enough care. So you hit him anyway, then he puts you in chokehold and me and my sisters are supposed to just forget that anything happened???

We have to process all the crazy, toxic shit yall do to us or in front of us BY OURRRSEELLLVESSSS

My lil sister is 18 and was trying to stop a 6'1 grown man from beating yo.ass up. And on top of that, the same grown man was pushing me back too on my own chest.

But we're supposed to just go back to normal, assemble the stage, make yall two feel happy after yall so called talked it our when literally 3 days ago, yall slept in different places, dad at his dead moms house in grand Rapids, you at a hotel.room for a different night, and him on the couch after he came back.

Whyyy the fuck are yall so damn passive about this shit, but if I bring it up or even ask about Grandma, my ass get handed to.

He's not fine. Yall are not okay. It shouldn't be imma put my hands on you just because you pissed me off and you're supposed to love me tomorrow, no matter how much I scar you or hurt your face.

Like brainwashing, forced brainwashing to accept that shit is okay. as long as i never say anything about it, I'm not in trouble or receive neglect.

Yall are the most manipulative people I ever met. And Dominos I want my $4 back too mf. Tip should come back too.

[star-trekkin-across-theuniverse]

Resource Management, pt8

Word Count: 2798 Tags: @supermoonpanda @rayleyanns @sistasarah-sallysaidso @feelmyroarrrr @anyakinamidala @dirajunara @anotherotter @little-study-bug @rampant-salamander @goodnightwife @samaxraph99 @anotherotter  @outside-the-government @kingarthurscat @coyote-in-space @originalpottervengerlock @dolamrothianlady @curiositywillbethedeathofme @superheroesofbothuniverses @mtriestowrite

It was unsettling to process more death benefits. I’d hoped, naïvely, that the injured and unaccounted for would all remain injured. There weren’t a great deal more files to process, but there were enough that I felt the heavy sorrow weighing back down on me again. There were so many casualties from the HR department. I felt a little sick going through them. It was as though the main strike had been in our office. When I was finished inputting the remaining information, I did a quick search of my department. Of the thirty employees, only eight had survived the attack. Not a single one of us was in the department during the attack either. It was a troubling statistic, and I grabbed my laptop and darted into the command centre. It looked like it was just Phil, May and Ward in there, but from where I’d been sitting I couldn’t see the communications screen.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but you have to see this, Phil.” I plunked the laptop down on the holotable, and the windows I’d had open on the laptop flashed up holographically. I hadn’t been expecting that, and jumped back.

“This had better be important, Ellis.” I looked up at the communication screen and saw Director Fury and Agent Hill glaring at me.

“I wouldn’t have barged in here if it wasn’t, Director,” I snapped. “I’ve been rather busy processing the casualties, and it’s really need to know information anyhow, but I don’t know if you have figured out where the attack started yet.”

“We’re still investigating at this point,” Hill responded. I flicked open a file folder on the holotable, and brought up the list of HR employees.

“As I worked through the updated casualty list today, I saw something very startling to me. Human Resources employees thirty staff at the Triskelion. It’s our main office. Of the thirty staff members, only eight survived the attack on the building.”

“Most of the departments took similar hits,” Hill informed me. I nodded.

“But look at this.” I separated out the on-site staff to the casualty list. Mine was the only name to still be the bright blue of an active employee. “I’m the only person who lived who worked in HR, who was in the building. The other seven employees were at the academy for training. If the attack didn’t start in HR, HR was definitely the target.”

“How does this compare to other departments?” Fury demanded. I brought up the other departmental employee rosters quickly, and flipped them open.

“Payroll has 24 employees. 6 were at the academy. They suffered twelve casualties, so that means six survivors from on-site.” I flipped that folder closed. “R&D has 75 employees. 23 were at the academy, two had called in sick, and they had 13 casualties. Just under half the total department survived the attack. Those are the two departments located the closest to us in HR. Data Analysis had four casualties of 83 employees who were on-site. Medical had even fewer casualties, and the Armory had none. Security and Support Services are the only other departments that came close, and that is understandable, as they aren’t centred in one part of the building. They’re all over the place. But even Security and Support Services didn’t take the same hit as HR.”

“Thank you, Ellis. You did some fine analytical work there,” Fury commended me.

“Sir, I would have thought that Data Analysis or R&D would be more probably targets,” I added.

“That was the general assumption, Ellis,” Hill nodded.

“Again, sorry for the interruption. I’ll be leaving now.” I closed up the laptop and pulled it from the holotable, dropping the images. As I turned to leave, Fury cleared his throat.

“The restructuring of HR may need to be more drastic than anticipated, Ellis. Are you prepared for what may be coming?” He asked. I turned back to look at him, confused.

“Sir?” I asked.

“You will be the director of the department,” he prompted.

“I understand that. I just don’t understand where I ever had a choice in the matter. With all due respect, sir, you told me this was an order. You obviously think me competent enough to manage this restructuring project or you wouldn’t have assigned me to it. With those two things in mind, I don’t understand your question.”

Agent Hill turned away from the screen, but not before I saw her bite her lip. I glanced over at Phil and he gave me a perturbed look. Fury raised his good eyebrow.

“That was all the answer I needed. You’re dismissed,” he barked. I made a beeline from the command centre to the bar, and poured myself a drink. Skye came speeding by from the bunks and dragged me to the stairs above the lab. Before I could ask what was happening, she put her finger to her lips and pointed down. As if on cue, a startled and horrified scream came from the lab.

“Was that Simmons?” I whispered. Skye’s eyes were wide with amusement, and she shrugged. Simmons’ feminine voice floated up to us.

“What was that for, Fitz? You know I’m trying to analyze –“ Her voice trailed off. “Dear god, is that Iron Man? Is he stripping?”

“It was Fitz that screamed!” Skye’s laugh was a muffled wheeze.

“My eyes!” Fitz howled. “Good lord, those are Union flag briefs!”

I shot a look at Skye. She took a few calming breaths.

“I altered the underpants from an American flag to the Union Jack,” she dissolved into giggles again.

“SKYE! I know you’re out here somewhere!” Simmons hollered into the cargo bay. Skye pulled me away from the catwalk edge. I stumbled on the grated floor beneath my feet, and the noise reverberated through the cargo hold. Simmons came out and glared at us. She pointed at Skye and pointed into the lab. Skye had obviously done something to the holotable in the lab to make Tony’s sexy dance play on a continuous loop. We descended to the lab, both of us unable to stop giggling. I’d seen the video in full colour when Stark had sent it to me, but even that couldn’t prepare me for the 3D rendered sexy dancing Iron Man that was bopping around on the holotable. My hands flew to my mouth to stop me from screeching in amusement.

“Fix it. Skye, fix it. I’ve always said you were lovely, and kind. So you need to make this stop.” Fitz turned to us, his eyes wide with horror.

“Will the pranks and initiation garbage stop?” Skye asked, hand on her hip.

“I swear,” he nodded. Skye walked over to the holotable and flicked her hands around a little. Stripping Iron Man vanished.

“Where did that even come from?” Simmons asked.

“Apparently older men have a thing for Anna,” Skye smirked. I furrowed my brow.

“And what exactly is that supposed to mean?” I demanded.

“Well, A.C. is really fond of you. And apparently Stark likes you enough to send you naughty emails.”

“Stark was trying to provoke me because he was going to be in my sexual harassment seminar. He doesn’t like me at all!” I exclaimed.

“Union flag knickers suggest otherwise,” Fitz deadpanned. I glared at him.

“They were an American flag in the original. Which shows how little Stark knows his audience,” I retorted.

“Does Coulson know he has competition?” Simmons teased.

“Hey! Just because you promised Skye you wouldn’t prank her anymore doesn’t mean I get to be the next target!” I protested. “Besides, I have more horrifying movies I can get Skye to hack you with, if I need them. Dancing Iron Man is just the tip of a Titanic-sinking iceberg.”

It was an empty threat, but I dangled that sword over their heads anyhow. Fitz put his hands up in surrender. Simmons crossed her arms across her chest and pouted.

“We never get to have any fun at all,” she complained.

“I thought Dancing Iron Man was lots of fun,” Skye laughed. “I would have stuffed a bill in his pants when he showed up at my seminar. Please say you did, Annie.”

“I did not. I kind of wish I had though,” I laughed. It felt good to have someone feel familiar enough to include me in the jokes. Skye probably had no idea how much calling me Annie mended my grieving heart.

“You woke up four times last night, Anna. Are you sure you’re okay?” Phil had his hands on my shoulders and was staring at me, dead serious. I met his gaze and nodded.

“I will be fine, Phil. As long as there’s a coffee maker, I will be fine,” I assured him, placing a hand on his chest and smiling.

“If these nightmares continue, or get worse, you’ll need to see someone,” he recommended. I raised an eyebrow.

“We can get couples PTSD therapy,” I replied, dripping sarcasm. Phil sighed.

“I am fine.” He was firm.

“As am I.” I stepped inside the circle of his arms, and laid my head on his shoulder, wrapping my arms around his waist. His hands dropped to my back. “I promise, Phil. I’ll be fine.”

“Let me know if there is anything you need.” He squeezed me, and pulled away. I nodded. It seemed ridiculous to be so distraught about being apart from him, but after the past few days, and the week before, it felt strange to be planning a day away from him.

“I will,” I promised.

“I’ll pick you up back here at five,” he said. I leaned back into Lola and grabbed my purse. With a quick kiss on the cheek, and headed down the block and around the corner to the building that was going to be the temporary HR headquarters. Fury was waiting at reception to tour through the new offices. He looked down at his watch.

“I was not expecting you so early,” he opened.

“Sir, lying doesn’t become you. You wouldn’t have been waiting for me if you didn’t expect me,” I retorted and breezed past him. He shook his head and mumbled something that sounded like ‘is it in the fucking job description that SHIELD women here have to be sassy?’ I turned and gave him a look, hands on my hips.

“What?” He asked.

“Peggy Carter was one of the founding members of this agency, Director Fury. Yes, sassy is part of the job description,” I snapped. He had the decency to look just a tiny bit embarrassed. He stepped ahead of me, and showed me through the offices. SHIELD had done a great job of getting the place ready. There were new desks, new computers, a few printers, a giant photocopier, and in the kitchenette, a beautiful, shiny, new chrome coffee maker. Full of fresh coffee. I pulled down a SHIELD mug (Seriously, the goddamn logo was on everything) and poured a cup.

“McKay will be in at ten, and the rest of the department will be here by noon. You have an 0900 meeting, and then you and I will start on the restructuring.” Fury poured himself a coffee as well.

“Is Erin not being considered for promotion as well?” I asked.

“We’ve moved McKay into the deputy director position, but she will not be involved in the restructuring,” he explained. We leaned against opposite counters, drinking our coffee and chatting about most insignificant issues surrounding the office for the next fifteen minutes. Office supplies delivery, timelines to be back into the Triskelion, lunch plans for the staff coming in. Apparently Fury had decided to have lunch catered for the tiny pool of survivors. We refilled our coffee cups, and he led me to my office. The front walls were frosted glass, and in clear relief was the SHIELD logo, and the words ‘Director of Human Resources’. Right below that was my name. I shivered. It was about the same size as the one I’d shared with Erin, but it was mine alone. The desk was bare except for a fancy new clear screen monitor. The bookshelf had nothing on it. It was just a bare, sterile office. I sighed and put down my coffee mug.

Fury tilted his head, and looked toward the front of the office, obviously getting a message from security on this earpiece.

“Stark is here. I’m going to follow up on those items we discussed, and we’ll continue shortly,” he excused himself and disappeared into the office that had been set aside for the new deputy director. I saw Stark brush past the security guard who was trying to lead him to my office, and head more directly toward me. He was wearing sunglasses and a scowl, but when he saw me, he pulled off the sunglasses. Kept the scowl until he was close enough to get a good look at me. He relaxed. No smile, but I saw the tension drop from his shoulders.

“Mr. Stark. Welcome to the new HR office. I hope you won’t be as frequent a visitor as you were to the old one,” I smiled. He finally smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. I gestured toward the chair by my desk. He looked around, unimpressed.

“This room is sterile. Boring. It needs some decoration,” he announced. Before I could respond, he brought his arm from behind his back, and placed a Thor bobblehead on my desk. It was dirty, scratched, and Mjolnir had a chip out of the side of it. I felt my eyes fill with tears as I realized it was my Thor bobblehead. From the Triskelion. I threw my arms around Stark and felt the tears start. He rocked back, startled by my response.

“Oh my god. I can’t –“ I pulled away and dashed my tears. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Stark. How unprofessional of me. How – where – how did you find him?”

Stark smiled and held out what looked like a shirt box. I took it and pulled the lid off. It was my Thor scrapbook.

“There’s an alarming lack of me in that scrapbook. I took the liberty of signing the one news clipping with all of the Avengers in it. I may have also added some information about Iron Man. Suit specs, favourite hockey team, you know, important fangirl information,” he commented. I sat down in the chair I’d offered him and dropped my head into my hands, unable to stem the tide of tears. I reached behind me for the box of tissues on my desk and blew my nose. I looked up at him and shook my head, wiping at the tears.

“I don’t know what to say. Thank you doesn’t seem like enough,” my voice broke. “We lost so many people, it’s stupid to be crying over a bobblehead.”

“It’s not stupid, Ellis.” He reached into the inside pocket of his suit jacket and pulled out a bloodstained Captain America card. “This still makes my chest ache.”

“What’s the significance?” I asked, turning the card over. Other than the blood, it was a really nice vintage card. No real wear, no bends.

“It was Coulson’s,” he said. “We’ve suffered a similar loss, Ellis. Keeping the reminders around makes us stronger.”

He dropped a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. I met his eyes and saw the empathy in them. I handed him the card back, and put my scrapbook on my desk. I stood, and smoothed the front of my skirt and pulled him into another hug.

“Thank you, Mr. Stark.” My voice was a hoarse whisper. He squeezed me in his arms, then held me at arms length and inspected me.

“Your knees are still a mess. But you’ve cleaned up alright. I just wanted to be sure. There were so many people who are yet to be accounted for. I’m glad you’re okay,” he smirked. “I would hate to have someone else finish my seminar.”

I shook my head and smiled.

“We’ll consider this one completed. I don’t want to have you back for another one, Mr. Stark.”

“Tony. I’ve saved your life. You can call me Tony now. Just try not to scream my name when you’re with your boyfriend,” he winked. “These walls need some décor. I’ll send over a painting. Pepper keeps investing in art. You like Munch? Maybe that’s too dark, considering? I’ll figure something out. It’ll be a loan, you understand, or Pepper will lose her mind, but we’ll make your office a Stark Foundation art gallery location.” He was off on one of the rambling discourses he was famous for as he headed out of my office. He peeked into the other office and waved at Fury before heading out.

[mynameisbriggsycakes]

“Nobody is That Stupid”

Men are trash. 

I say this with a relative amount of experience under my belt and knowing full well that despite this statement, I am undeterred in my quest for that D. That being said, that D still belongs in the bin.

Yesterday I had to take my motorcycle skills evaluation test. For the second time. This was after taking a two-day class during Thanksgiving weekend in which the denouement was saturated with my own frustrated tears. The first day ended with me as gray as the clouds in the sky. I panicked, shut down, and almost burst into tears. The second day took a sheer amount of willpower that I hadn’t tapped into in months for me to return. Not even the instructors expected me to return.They even said so. They are very encouraging people, I swear.

Anyway, along with all the other craziness that I was dealing with, including, but not limited to job relocation, people sucking, my fear of flying to the point of insanity, money, no D, I was obviously under a bit of stress. But while I was so used to crawling back into my misery, as it is warm and familiar, I had to try to get out of it. I had to stop. So I listened to my friends and my counselor this time and turned away from that doubt and tried to pump myself up, get confident, and ace this skills test. I played music, and I even decided to leave a bit earlier so i could be sure to get there on time, under the impression that I could just take the test and leave. 

And then...there was Bruce.

Bruce drove a Chevrolet. Bruce had a 4.9 rating on Lyft. And Bruce picked me up at around 12:47 to take me to my test. And Bruce didn’t waste any time.

He immediately offered me some lip gloss that was left by a customer. I politely declined, saying that using a stranger’s lipstick is not the most hygienic thing to be doing. He looked shocked. Then he asked if I heard about the woman who brought a lawsuit against Sephora due to her contracting herpes after trying one of their samples of lipsticks. I did, of course, and he asked for my opinion. I stated that while I do give a personal side-eye for anyone willing to put used lipstick on, it’s still completely irresponsible for Sephora to allow this sort of practice as it defies all common sense. I continue:

Me: And despite the country being very litigation-happy--

Bruce: Especially California. 

Me (with internal red alerts humming): --it seems fair that she would sue for damages and her request is reasonable. 

Bruce: So let me ask you this.

Me (internally): Please don’t.

Bruce: So I’m trying to return to working in the office, you know, I’ve been doing this for two years and I really want to go back.

Me (internally): Oh, no.

Bruce: So when I go back, I just wanted to know...you know...since there’s gonna be women there..how do I approach them? I mean, ANY one of them, at any time, could complain that they are being sexually harassed. 

Me: Uh...that’s not how it works?

Bruce: So let’s say that I get into a relationship with someone at at work, right? It’s consensual and what not, and then it ends. Then she could go to HR and complain that it’s sexual harassment. Any woman could do it.

Me: No. Any woman could not do this.

Bruce: But listen--

Me: Here we go. If you’re asking me personally if I will date someone I work with, the answer is no. I don’t shit where I eat, but with that being said, I know plenty of people who were able to have loving, stable relationships with people they met at their job. They simply have to go to HR and tell them first.

Bruce: I know, but if she goes to complain--

Me: The point of HR is that it protects both parties. If there’s any sway to one side or the other, there is usually a reason. Anything else? (don’t say this ever to a Bruce)

Bruce: (dumb silence is dumb) So what do you think of the Harvey Weinstein scandal?

Note: I figured out later on that his line of questioning is deliberate and I am almost entirely convinced that he probably purchased that lipstick on his own specifically to start this ridiculous conversation with all the women he picks up. This is seven shades of fucked up.

Me (don’t answer don’t answer you are in a trap): I believe the woman and Weinstein is a pig who deserves to go to jail for the rest of his life.

Bruce: Yeah, but NOBODY is that stupid.

Me (snared in the trap): What?

Bruce: If I were a woman, and my boss told me to come up to his hotel in order to discuss business, why would you go? You can chose the hotel bar, the hotel lobby, a restaurant. Why would you go there?

Me (begins to see red): Because men of power have fostered a culture of fear specifically to subjugate women in order to keep them down and to keep the patriarchy alive. The power involved is usually sexual in nature. Women fear that if they do not acquiesce to sexual demands, their lives will be over. 

Bruce: But NOBODY is that stupid.

Me (actively She-Hulking out): You’re actually victim-blaming? Are you actually serious right now?

I wanted to get to my class early. I wanted to actually meditate on the course and eliminate all of the fear and anxiety in my heart so I could pass. Instead, I get a sexist, ignorant Lyft driver who unfortunately has all the control in the car and I am now wanting out.

The rest of the time, I just heard more excuse after excuse. And all I could think of was hearing those same words by people who said they loved me and told me it wasn’t the same thing as they molested and tried to rape me.

And I had enough.

Me: You know what? You are part of the problem. All you’ve done is victim blame and make excuses for what is obviously disgusting behavior. I’m getting out of this car and you have a nice day, sir.

I jumped out of the car at a stop light. I didn’t know where I was at first, but thankfully, I was only five minutes away from my destination. He muttered something at me, I’m sure an insult or something, I don’t give a fuck, but he sped away and canceled the ride. I made a mental note to report his ass later, but the damage was done. Instead of coming into my test relaxed and ready to go, I’m now worked up because of the not-so-gentle reminder that men are BASURA.

I went onto the course muttering to myself again, but it wasn’t an anxious muttering. It was more just exhaustion. I just need to remind everyone here that it is almost impossible to be positive in a world so fucked up like this. I am trying...SO HARD.

A minor highlight was when I finally arrived on the course to see someone else taking it with me. And not only that, he was supportive and kind and gave me tips. Just watching people ride on the course gives me a zen that I haven’t felt in a long time. And I thought with the lessons that I took on Saturday, I had a decent chance to ace this nope.

I hit a cone. My feet hit the ground. I stalled. My gears went to neutral. Objectively, I did worse than I did the last time and I fucking failed. But at no point did I decide to give up. I sucked up all my mistakes and I decided that no matter what, I was going to stay positive and not let my anxiety and nerves get me down. I did my best and I faced it.

Finally, it was the quick stop. I practiced this and nailed the heck out of it. So when the instructor called us over to tell us how we did, I almost broke down because I saw only one card in his hand, meaning that my classmate passed but not me nope.

There were two cards. I passed.

I PASSED.

I am now officially a licensed motorcyclist in the state of California. Granted, I need a TON more practice. A literal ton. I need to be more comfortable with riding and if I’m going to able to handle the new Ninja 300 I want to buy next year, I have to give it my all. But the instructors were kind and helpful and made sure I was able to take the next steps. I mean, we are talking about not only an extremely dangerous sport that could kill me if I don’t practice, but an activity that actually takes up so much of my time and makes me so calm that I’m addicted. I have to take this seriously and show all the Bruces of the world that I can outmaneuver any bullshit they throw my way and will protect those who can’t defend themselves. Why not? NOBODY is that stupid.

Until next time, guys.

[fuck-customers]

Never Again Will I work as Security

Mall cop here. By the time this gets posted I will be done with this job. So some things to get off my chest now that I'm done. Some of the bullshit. Pretty long.

We know that one of the stores in the mall is a drug front. We see them bring luggage inside the store and then sneak out the back. We see the drug transactions on camera in one of the fire lanes. And tenants and customers tell me that they be selling downtown. Like, the hard drugs. And the supervisor is too scared to do anything. Constantly making excuses to what we are all seeing with our own eyes. We show him videos and he makes up excuses because "we can't accuse them without proof." What? Then what are we looking at? Are these cameras showing an alternate reality, my guy? Store had the whole hallway smelling like weed. I don’t care if you smoke. That's none of my business. But this is a place of business. And do you know how much weed they must have had to have the whole hallway smelling like it? The mall hallway. Costumers were complaining. But I can't do anything, Mall management must.

Supervisor. You can’t schedule worth shit. You are in charge of the schedules of 6-8 people. How are you fucking this up? Our personal life schedules doesn’t change. Also, I’m not a robot. I do need sleep. And it doesn’t count as a day off if I have to come in that night. And don’t scold me for things that you are not even doing. And don’t try to play me in front of your buddy. I know you’re a smart man and I got a smart mouth, so be smart and be quiet. I’m not going to let you try to make fun of me. Also you’re creepy and need to learn boundaries when it comes to the female tenants.

Tenants. Now I know that each stores have their own policy to handle shoplifters. I get it. But, I really wish that they would understand that we are only supposed to monitor the hallways, exterior, and parking lot. Not their stores. We ban shoplifters from the mall for them, and keep peace. But the rest is a courtesy. As in, the mall has a contract with our company with what we are/ are not to do. We are the mall’s security. Not your store’s lost prevention officer. The amount of times that we get called because they have a suspicious person in their store is ridiculous. And the amount of time those calls were because of racial profiling is just as ridicules. Yeah, so you’re calling because this black woman has been trying on clothes for a while. But we walk in and see that those white teens been stuffing clothes into their bags but you’re so focus on the black woman that you completely miss it. Bruh. Do better. And no, we will not come and get “all these Mexicans/blacks/Muslims” out the store. How do you still work there? And you’re a manger. Also we’re not going to Sherlock Holmes that shit. I’m sorry they stole it. But I’m not chasing them or nor am I going to do detective work to find them. I get paid $8.00/hr. The fuck you thought I was gonna to do?

Tenants. When you call the walkies, you call everybody’s walkie. Please watch what you say on the line. Customers are nosey AF and prone to panicking. We give you the number to our cell. Please use it if you think it’s an emergency. AND IF IT’S AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY, CALL 911! CALL ME SECOND! BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO CALL THE WALKIE AND NOT THE CELL PHONE SO NOW WE HAVE AN ISSUE OF THE GENERAL PUBLIC! We tell them that if they call 911 1st, that dispatch will also always contact us separately even if they don’t call us. But do they listen? No, they do not?

Tenants. I will lock the fucking doors at 10:30. You were supposed to be out already according to mall policy unless you have permission. Most of you do not and you stay till almost midnight. People are crazy, it’s usually just one of us at that time and we were issued no means of defense. Nothing. Just pants and a shirt. So I’m not leaving that door open because you don’t want to walk a little extra. Use the fire lanes to exit the building. You use it every other time when we say not to. So use it now. Also we fucking see you doing what you’re doing in the fire lanes. You’re not being slick. It’s just not worth confronting you about. Some of you treat us worse than the customers. How does that work out? There is an actual person in this uniform. Shocking.

Customers. The mall is closed. The stores are closed. Why the fuck are you still in here? The hours posted wasn’t a suggestion. Get out. Also, some of the tenants workers may irritate me but I be damned if I let someone harass them because they take the whole “customers are always right” too far. Don’t let me walk by and hear it. I will passive-aggressive your ass right out this mall. And call my supervisor. Call them. I’ll give you their card. Stop leaving those tiny Christian pamphlets around the mall. All you’re doing is making another mess for housekeeping to clean. They handle body fluids. Why you gotta make their job harder? Another thing, if there is a closed bathroom sign up then don’t go in there. Especially if it’s the men and the female housekeeper is in there. She don’t want to see your dick and I will tell you to leave the bathroom. I don’t care if you really have to go. The family bathroom is open and there are 5 other stores that have public bathrooms.

Let me throw you mine since you want to catch attitudes.

This is not Jerry Springer. So don’t be bringing your drama to the mall.

Parents, I know some of you think it’s inhumane. But child leashes are amazing. Just saying. And dear specific parent, I had your child for over an hour. You never noticed her missing? She’s in our office watching Hulu. You shopping and I’m just walking around trying to find you since you didn’t answer the intercom call. Based on the description of a little girl who can barely speak English (Thank god for customers who help when they see me struggling because of a language barrier The real MVPs.) You were what? Teaching her a lesson to not walk off? So you abandon her in a crowded mall? She’s 7. The fuck? You’re lucky that a customer brought her to me and didn’t walk off with her. Should’ve called the police on your ass.

Also, I’m not afraid to scold your child. I’ll scold them in front of you since you’re not going to do it. The little “angel” is being a nuisance and climbing things I didn’t think was possible to climb. Running, screaming, hitting the candy machines. Parents, refer to point A about this.

I know that’s not a service dog. I’m not fucking stupid. And that dog is obviously stressed. You don’t deserve that dog.

I’m not stopping any fights. They will just have to battle it out as I call the police. You want to get in-between that and play hero. That’s on you. But those are grown men and I am a chunky bitch. You really think I can stop that?

Lastly. We will fast walk to urgent situations because we’re supposed to maintain a calm façade and slight urgency at most if that makes sense. So if you see us running. Just go ahead and leave because chances are we are about to evacuate the mall.

  I’m not going to miss this job.

[lgwonder]

I’m so tired. I’m tired of employers treating their employees like their nothing.

So very recently, like all of June and July, I had a new job and I was so excited. I was hired as a loan admin, I advised them I had no experience but with training I pick things up quick. In the interview, the president of the bank stated it would take a while for me to get the hang of things, and I said I wasn’t one for backing down.

I wish I would have stopped the to think about the way he looked at me.

I’ve had terrible bosses before. And when I say terrible, I mean I’m 16 years old and the fucker puts me in a headlock and tells me he owns me. To which I leave and never come back, too scared to tell anyone because my dad would have killed the man and gone to jail. There were others who left scars on my mind and emotions too. But we’re talking about this new one.

My first week there’s not a lot to do. At all. There are 5 people in this bank including myself and their all men. 2 bad and 2 good. The president of the bank is a loan officer and he goes to breakfast and lunches all the time. The other bad one is the manager of the bank, managing what I don’t know since we have no customers. The other two are very kind, a lender and a teller. The lender is a dad of 3 and he was amazing, he was in my office teaching me every chance he could get.

The president fired him in June for that.

Now at the end of my first week, the president of the bank comes into my office and shuts my door. He says, “I like you Sarah, I think your very pure.” Well okay, that’s weird wording and I tell him that’s not entirely accurate. But he’s very, very insistent. “No, you’re a pure woman. You have a good heart. There’s just one thing.” He says, “You talk too much.”

WTF?

“You have a story every time someone talks to you, like your trying to one up them in their stories.” He says and looks at me funny.

“I want to help you Sarah, I think you should tone down how much you say. When I talk to you, just nod and hum in agreement. If I want to hear about you, I’ll ask.”

Fuck I should have quit right there, but I have a mortgage and a child. What do I do? Have a fucking anxiety attack on the way home is what. Because I have another bad boss.

Skip ahead now, just a little. I take a Friday off and come back to find the fired the lender for not bringing in enough loans.

Now it’s 4 and the lender isn’t around to buffer, because he didn’t like the president and made comments about it. Now we’re in the lobby with the manager, I’m getting headache because my bun isn’t fixed right, so I let my hair down. The president stops and looks at me and says

President: I didn’t know you had long hair, you have it up all the time.

Me: Yeah, my son pulls hair, so it’s better to just keep it up.

President: I like women with long hair, you should keep it down.

I never have my hair down again. I’m freaked out. Bad bad bad bad. Now I start noticing when he’s in my office, he’s playing with the front of his pants, grabbing his belt and adjusting himself in front of me constantly, trying to draw my eyes to his crotch. I go home with another anxiety attack. He doesn’t stop.

That week he’s in my office again, he’s upset. Because I said “Hey what’s up?” When he walked into my office. “I don’t want to hear that again. It’s not professional.” He states. I frown but nod, “okay, I’ll pay attention to that.” It’s ridiculous but hey I’m in a bank, I can understand how that’s not a great thing. But then, the manager, his little kiss up, says it all the time I find, now that I’m hyper aware of it.

Now it’s July and he decides to have my 30 day review. I’m in his office, he doesn’t tell me it’s a review, he tells me to shut the door after I grab some loan paperwork as he’s finally brought something to work on. He tells me I’m unprofessional, because I had papers on my desk making it messy one day, because I left a coffee up in the sink too long, because I said what’s up to him, this goes on and on. Everything about me is wrong. He says, “I don’t think this is working out.”

I can’t lose my job, but I can’t stay here. So I smile and tell him I’ll turn it around. Looks at me funny again and says “I hope you do. I really like you.”

Another anxiety attack and I go home crying.

I decide I’m going to write an email to HR and I start recording every conversation with this man. The next Friday, he fires me. No reason given, he doesn’t have to in Colorado.

I sent the email, made sure it was sent to my personal email as well. But they aren’t going to help me. Basically fuck me. So now I have a 1 year old and a mortgage that I cant take care of. I can’t afford an attorney for this obvious sexual harassment and gender discrimination.

I’m screwed and there’s nothing to do but find a job as quickly as possible.

[deiupvote]

Possible trigger: suicide and abuseOn Monday night I got a phone call that my ex had died. His Mom called to tell me he was dead, my first thought was OD, that was the most likely scenario, and then for a second I thought Covid, then she said he had hanged himself in the closet while she was gone. He had just got out of treatment, again, and had 21 days clean. He would have been 50 in July.I escaped from him about 9 years ago. We have a child together, my kid knows nothing about him, not even his name. He's like Voldemort, no one names him. I still talk to his mom on a regular basis, I send school pictures every year and random snaps via text.My first response was to be heartbroken, the guy that I knew, when he was sober, was amazing, he was charismatic, he could always make me laugh, he was my best friend, but he was also a fucking monster. The thought of him standing in that closet, alone, making that choice to end it is so fucking tragic to me, my heart hurts for the person I loved.Now it's been a few days and I woke up feeling relief. I'm relieved my child will always be safe from him. I'm relived the insane phone calls and harassment will finally stop. I'm relieved that I can finally stop looking over my shoulder, he used to tell me all he ways he could kill me and get away with it.He did me an amazing solid by removing himself from the equation. He wasn't a good person, he used and abused SO many people. He really had no remorse for the things he had done.I went on his Mom's FB page today and there are so many posts about how much he was loved and basically what a Saint he was. People are releasing balloons in his honor, we met in Maui and he lived there on and off for years so there are people doing a lei ceremony on surf boards. They obviously never knew the monster I lived with. No one ever believed it was all that bad, he was tricky like that. They didn't believe that he had really burned me with cigarettes, or stomped on my hand and broke my fingers, made me sleep outside for missing the bus home, none of it.Fortunately, he's not on the birth certificate, and my child has my last name. The day of the birth he showed up wasted on whisky and pulled me out of the bed and choked me out for not wanting to eat the sandwich he brought, he wasn't caught in the act, but the nurse knew something was up so she made him leave. He never carried his ID when he was wasted so he couldn't sign off. Small favors I guess.When my child was 3 months old I got out of the shower and he was smoking heroin about 5 feet away from the baby in the bouncy chair thing, when I confronted him he hurt me in front of the baby. As I stood there crying I looked at the baby and realized I had a choice, the baby did not. I bided my time and hid money away and during his next bender I packed up whatever I could fit in my car and drove 1000 miles home to my family. That is the last time I ever saw him.Still all these years people would think I was being ridiculous and over dramatic and would give him my number, so he'd call all the time and leave crazy messages. I just realized that's my life now so I dealt with it. His mom never did give him my info, she knew how awful he was when he was messed up, however he's still her baby boy, so it's all sorts of weird dynamics there.It's been almost 10 years and I'm still dealing with the fallout of the abuse I lived through, he forever changed me as a person. I really do feel like a weight has been lifted. One I didn’t even realize I was carrying anymore. I'm fucking relived he's gone.If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I just needed to somewhat anonymously get this all out. I'm not working right now, but my job offers free therapy options so I have a call into my HR department. via /r/TwoXChromosomes

[authorsdenbyorihime-may]

Stuff I’m scared to say in real life #01

I can’t tell the higher ups why I don’t want to go back to work anymore. My contract has been held up and despite not getting anything out of it, no work no pay, I think it’s best that my resignation letter be honored because I signed it and submitted it with zero hopes of ever coming back as an employee. I wish I could tell these to the boss of my bosses but right now I have no courage to do so because of guilt and not wanting to disappoint. But I also have a strong need to honor my own decisions because frankly, the whole place feels like a hell-hole. So here I go:

Dear Boss Chief,

Thank you for letting me work with you and the group, I appreciate the time I have spent in the place. I got to work with different kinds of people, I got to teach people and learn from people too, and I guess it was a fruitful experience. Yes, I have learned a lot, and what I have learned after working for 13 months is that I got to know myself a whole lot more. I found out what I like and what I don’t like, what enriches my life and what makes my life not worth living for. Above all, I have learned that I couldn’t stand to waste the rest of my life away just trying to please everyone but myself. I think I deserve better in life, I deserve fair treatment, honesty, protection from unscrupulous people, and for having a space where trust and transparency are just as important as having technical know-hows and skills, maybe even more so than what others think. And for that, thank you for teaching me to stand up for what I want, not for what others want for me or what they want me to do for them. 

I will do my best to be tactful but don’t expect me to tread on eggshells, if I break them then I broke them, because I was just being myself.

In all honesty and respect, I have no plans of ever coming back to finish what needs to be done. As far a I know, I have submitted the stuff I was paid to do, and I may have even overdone the “other stuff as instructed by supervisors”. HOw do I know? Because all I ever felt since working is resentment. RESENTMENT. A lot of RESENTMENT. For me, that just means that I have overextended myself and never getting my cup filled. My cup never got filled, and only whenever I get a chance to stay away because my body broke down or I had to do some personal errands did I ever felt whole. Unfortunately, the straw that broke the camel’s back was due to the fact that I cannot trust anyone at work. I only trust less than a handful, like literally only 4 people. 1 of them is now working somewhere else, one is already losing their mind just working with you, and two are almost at their wit’s end but are still holding on, bless their young souls. I cannot even trust you to do what is right, regardless of whether or not I agree with what you think is right. The fact that you let other people off the hook despite them doing things out of selfishness or greed just made me want to cry each night for wasting time as one of your employees. I cannot serve the people of this country properly if I am being harassed a lot, if I am trapped in a power-struggle between two people who have insecurity issues and bully others to do work that THEY ARE PAID TO DO, and if I had to perpetually keep choosing to shut up about the rotten things that happen inside closed doors.

I am fed up with acting like I don’t care about the well-being of my colleagues, especially when they come to me one at a time to whine and complain about the workplace, the policies, and our supervisors. I am not paid to do HR consulation and counseling aside from doing other technical stuff and overtime because I have to submit “results”. But as a person who has over a decade of experience working with all kinds of people, contracts, and job descriptions, I have to admit, I did all I can to show them both sides of the management and the employees side, but with the workplace right now, even I broke down because of all the injustice, the lies, the power-plays, of having supervisors that are not qualified whatsoever, and for even being in proximity with them. I haven’t even mentioned the fact that we’re not employed, technically, no employer-employee relationship. Also the salary delays which get so ridiculously-held up with each year. Which is why I cannot understand why my resignation was put on hold. I have my rights to leave, I submitted it more than 30 days before the intended effective date. I even finished what you ordered me to do with getting zero help from anybody this time. My body just stopped healing itself from all the stressors at work, and I have no regrets complaining about that. I will probably need decades of healing and staying away from all of you for the rest of my life before I would even consider going back to that kind of line of work. 

I am utterly broken and broken-hearted just thinking about all of it. I mean, I did not wish to be used as a pawn just for someone’s sibling to graduate. I did not wish to be used as scapegoat for someone’s failings to do what they were SUPPOSED to be doing. I mean, supervisors have a job of overseeing their people, and I HAVE TO DO THAT TO MY PEERS. We were all of the same rank, I have no jurisdiction in telling them what to do. I wasn’t paid to troubleshoot shitty workloads, I wasn’t paid to do anything for anyone other than do my project (which I did by myself by the way, with zero input from the immediate but stole almost the entirety of it to make an instant thesis for the sibling. Yes I am bitter about it. Because you never called it out). I had to pacify everyone who got verbally or emotionally or psychologically abused despite the fact that I get the same treatment as everyone else. I did what I had to do in upholding the ethical standards but seeing others just do whatever the fuck they wanted just because they had a way with you (or they had dirt to dish out on you if things went bad?) it just filled my stomach with so much pain and disgust, if I had a dollar each time I felt like I was going to vomit whenever I am at work, I could be living in Japan right now. 

To be honest, I am very disappointed with my work experience, and even more so the work attitudes of the people. Like giving me the feeling that employees are just there to keep the whole place running, like we aren’t human, like we don’t have rights, we can’t even voice out opinions and suggestions to improve things. We can’t complain about harassments, about being told downright lies by our immediate supervisors, of being used as pawns for the two immediate supervisors who have issues between them but are too passive-aggressive to even settle their own shit. Honestly, I cannot handle such things not because I am scared to be upfront (I can get very upfront about voicing out my opinions if you let me) but because of my work rank; I have no claws, no actual strength over such things simply by chain of command. Which is why as a lower-ranked employee from you, I am saddened by the idea that the position as head-boss is wasted on you. It’s like you’re afraid to step into someone’s toes by being wishy-washy or bending your decisions (especially words) when it comes to the people who seem to be controlling you or blackmailing you. You just don’t call out bullshit from shitty people. What’s even more disappointing is that when some sort of authority figure is needed, I just couldn’t feel your energies at all. I mean, some people actually DO NOT and WILL NOT move until a boss of some sort tells them what they need to do and what needs to be done. Lower-ranks cannot move mountains, unless we get proper and just back-ups. Despite us having some ideas on how to help, we have no power to enforce anything. We are helpless in all ways. Honestly, right now the only thing we can do is leave. And find a place where we can feel safe, secure, needed, heard, and feel important. I never felt that in the workplace. And I have no regrets saying this out.

Again, thank you for hearing me out. And I hope you honor my wishes of resigning, if not for my health, for my rights.

XXXXXXX

Hah, I hope I get enough strength to even tell this if needed to be. It sucks.

[ka-tagory9]

When a Man is not Hungry but claims he Is

When your father works from morning to late afternoon and deliberately goes without a single meal, not even a quick breakfast before leaving the house, or taking any breaks despite the fact that he works for himself and schedules his own hours--and refuses to hire others, even temporarily, to help because he refuses to split the money (even though he's often forced his own family to help and NEVER FUCKING PAID THEM)--and adamantly demands food when he's home even though he deliberately waits anywhere from 2-4 hrs before he eats; and even when he does eat right away, refuses what's been made because he demands to eat dinner cooked by your mother or if there's no meat in it--even if he likes it, even if he couldn't tell before, even though he's always said "never refuse what someone's made for you" and "vegetables are good for you" and "if you don't want to eat it, don't" or "...make it yourself!" He's a whining, abusive, selfish, lazy, pathetic excuse for a husband and father but thinks he isn't. He says he's hungry but deliberately chooses not to eat and refuses perfectly edible food just because there's no meat. It's fucking ridiculous! We're a poor family and he gives us shit if he we try to refuse food for the same stupid reason but noooooo he's the "head of this family" so 😧😡 . Sorry for the random rant you guys, if anyone even cares, I just had to say this and it's not the first time but each time makes me angrier and sadder and tired and ugh. Only someone who's been in an abusive family or relationship would ever understand how threats of violence, constant harassment and name calling can tire you out so much and make you so angry at the same time, especially when you know down to your fucking bones that if it weren't for that one person in your life willing to stand in the way (my mom in this case), that the abuser would have crossed the line from badmouthing and degrading your self-worth to outright physical violence a long time ago.

[fromthebottomup-blog1]

I “don’t” wanna be your dog (bitch)

I am a woman. I am a feminist. For me, the two go hand and hand. In the past few years I’ve been dealing with something that is, for me, an ongoing cycle of non-practicing feminism. Kinda like being a non-practicing Catholic, except you give a big ups to Mary. Women are supposed to help other women accomplish, inspire and motivate. Seems logical, we being feminists. The only thing I’ve encountered on my occupational path is women throwing other women under the pink bus, women being alpha females who want to control everything, and women who want to make you feel like a peon not worthy of their presence. Mind you, this is my experience and perhaps mine alone. This does exclude the many women who have inspired and mentored me through my life.

I deal with crazy all the time. Recently, my job as a waitress gave me knowledge to female millennial elitism. Girls who find that their newfound liberation allows them to act like they own you. Young women who think because they come from a good gene pool they don’t actually have to work for anything. Girls who think that being sexually liberated means it is ok to roofie a dude or fuck a married guy, because “hey, I’m comfortable with my sexuality.” Attitude-20+ Feminism-0 Work Ethic-who gives a fuck.

The corporate princess. I seem to encounter women supervisors that compares to that bully on the playground who constantly kicks your shins to tell you they like you…except they don’t. They kick you to let you know they are threatened by you. I had one woman supervisor rat on me to HR for “not dressing appropriately” and actually approached me before a meeting asking me if I had owned any camisoles. They’re breasts, I have them, they aren’t here to take the company down lady. Apparently knee socks are not favored as work friendly apparel either, but her dolphin ankle tattoo and tight camel-toe revealing jeans were more appropriate. Before that, I had a woman boss literally tell me she didn’t like me because I made friends too easily. I had another one comment in a board meeting that I was getting my information because of my “friendly” nature. The last woman I worked with, mind you I was HER supervisor, I asked to return some computer equipment she purchased to Staples. She proceeded to say that she was very busy and then entered my office, threw the equipment on the chair and says, “I just can’t today!” which followed her slamming my door. If I had done that to a male boss, I would have been fired on the spot. This was also a person who was at least 2-3 hours late daily, left work early regularly, and was constantly incomprehensible in meetings. Her replacement, who at the time was a friend of mine, decided she would not tolerate me asking her for reports or anything else I needed and so she became quite friendly with my male boss, baking him goodies and often times inviting him to drinks in her home. The response was my getting “laid off due to budgetary reasons”. She worked in accounting. I rebranded the company and restructured an entire marketing strategy including gaining important partnerships for a dying company in less than six months. I’m the crazy one.

I worked for a prominent ad agency in town where I had a female boss that I expected would mentor me in some way. Instead I fetched her coffee, interrupted meetings to have her constantly left cell phone and purse delivered to her and I had to constantly move her from meeting to meeting because she would “forget” where she had to be next. It was humiliating. In that same place, I had another co-worker, who incidentally was also female, actually physically block me by putting her hands on my shoulders, hindering me from leaving my desk and saying, “Can you do something for me right away, I totally forgot…”  I was to receive a call from HR that would lead to my being laid off because I was not concentrating on my role with full dedication and was emotionally unstable. My husband just had a stroke leaving him paralyzed in which I returned 14 days after for fear I would be fired. Yeah, that was a real nice one. It was one of those scenes in a myriad of movies where there’s a need for “distraction” and the character is left doing absolutely ridiculous things, like spontaneously break dancing or spilling a drink to deter the other person from leaving the room.

My whole point in this is that these are all women who claim to be feminists. When I am in a supervisory role as a woman, I tend to encourage, to find a way to bond, to communicate effectively and to inspire collaboration. I don’t care if they are smarter than me, hell teach ME something. I don’t care if they are more attractive than me, if Bob wants to give those reports we need a day earlier because you smiled at him, good for you. I don’t care that you go out with the whole staff for happy hour, I encourage building relationships as long as they are productive and professional. We spend 8-12 hours at work a day as Americans. There’s going to be some personal shit that gets in the way. I say support it, don’t patronize it.

It is infuriating and if this makes me an anti-feminist then maybe my definition of such things is askew, but I don’t think feminism includes women stomach punching other women to bow down to some hierarchy. I’m successful at what I do because I do everything with passion and I do it effectively. It works for me. It doesn’t make me a weaker equal. It makes me a more rounded individual. It isn’t men who aren’t respecting my womanhood. It is women. The men I’ve worked for have been mentors, have inspired me, have given me confidence that I can do anything. They’ve commented on my intelligence, my ability to be creative, and have given me promotions. They have fostered my success with direct and non-threatening encouragement. The only time ever that a man conducted any kind of sexual harassment (mind you I’m excluding the restaurant industry) is when I got promoted once because it was not only discovered I could code, but also because my supervisor admittedly wanted to “spend more time” with me because he found me “attractive with good musical taste” and it is the only place he could “safely” be around me.

I know in our current political state there is no room for gray area. He’s an asshole. An asshole that encompasses a lot of backward, hateful thinking. I can’t help but think that he’s bullied his wife into not owning the one position that could lead to his demise. Behind every great man, there’s an even greater woman. Do you honestly think she has sex with that man? Seriously. For him money is power, for her...she hasn’t even delved into hers. We have powers that nobody can take from us. We are the element of surprise. We are the bomb inside the dragon.

So, I encourage my sisters to stand. I encourage them to fight for what is equal. I fight along with them. But I am also human. I am also an individual person. Most of the hate towards me in my life has been from working for women. I don’t need a symbol or a label or a day to make me a woman. I just am and I’m good at it. I embrace it every single day. I can wear heels and I can run in them if I have to, that doesn’t make me weak, it makes me versatile. All the women out there who put other women down, you’re doing exactly what you are fighting against. We have to fight for equality amongst each other, not just equality among sexes.