#and uni just ππππ is so hard and being an adult is so hard and im never gonna get a job i think and the earth is ANGRY!! at us for destroyin
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#probably my last sunny walk at home :(#keeeeellll meeeee#i think one of the things i hate about going back to uni is not being able to experience autumn and winter at home like i used to#itβs weird because iβve always loved them and considered them my favourite seasons.#but last year (and now this year) iβm realizing that oh! i think itβs because i got to come home after a long day and be in a safe familiar#space. and at uni everything is still a bit unfamiliar and not very comforting so the long cold days get so much harder#but i will surviveeeeeee#counting on gilmore girls to get me through it!! and also love is blind s7. i LOVE having things to look forward to every week it makes tim#fly by so fast. last yr every friday night was reserved for me and i ate frozen pizza or takeout and/or my favourite snacks and#watch my comfort films :( i cooked a lot those nights too 2 save money but yeah. it was rlly nice to have that comfy safe time to myself#i think it rlly got me thru uni.#ik itβs gonna be so hard to get back into a routine but im trying to tell myself that i need to like. focus on the basics first. adulting#can be so hard & i wanna do everything at once! i wanna b perfect in all areas. always do my hobbies. etc etc but i#i couldnt even get out of bed to make myself meals sometimes π so i need to like remember if i donβt journal or read a whole book in a day#not the end of the world. and most importantly i need to be EATING and staying active and SLEEPING FIRST and foremost cause then hopefully#i wonβt feel like a zombie.#okay anyways.#feeling sad feeling tired feeling unmotivated but also feeling a teensy bit excited for finally BEING ALONE!!!!#i have my cardiologist appt tmrw so maybe thatβs why i feel so yuck also. just thinking abt it makes me wanna throw up#i hope everything goes well#anyways bye bye#β‘ dear diaryβ¦
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the horrors persisting
#the horrors aka bone deep insecurity and being so tired of everything ever that it makes me sick#do you ever want to rip your skin off because you hate everything about yourself#the way you speak and look and act in public and talk to people and the way your brain works and your habits and just. everything#i canβt explain it i just hate being me so so so much nothing can ever change it#no matter what people tell me or what i tell myself it will never go away i just want to like#restart#or take my brain out and clean it and put it into a new body and start all over again#and uni just ππππ is so hard and being an adult is so hard and im never gonna get a job i think and the earth is ANGRY!! at us for destroyin#it and people are dying and being murdered and men are STILL awful and only getting worse and#women are supposed to be beautiful but why do i even have to be beautiful in the first place why#canβt i just be a person and nobody wants to make real friends and the sense of community is being lost nearly everywhereeee and groceries#are three thousand dollars and everything just sucks it sucks so so bad#and im sick of pretending im just whatever about it or that im okay or whatever like noooo im not happy im miserable ive been that way for#years im angry and upset 24/7 and im not the best person i could be by a long shot and im just not good#and im sorta tired of ppl acting like i am too like no im really not#im about to log off tumblr for good#maybe i just need to go outside#idk#β‘ dear diaryβ¦
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