#and trying very very hard to not buy into the belief that my luck will run out

[rurinnfane]

Got my new glasses today and this is the first time that the transition to the new prescription isn’t taking me days, I was able to just… put them on 🥹 and I love them 🥹

(Kudos to this optometrist for making the tie-breaking call between my previous two diagnoses that conflicted between myopia and astigmatism, that’s 100% why the transition didn’t fucking suck)

[theothersarshi]

Urgh, being perceived. I feel you. I have the advantage of being in a relatively crowded neighborhood, so at least that's not an issue except around the apartment building, where people might recognize me.

But otherwise, walking is one of my favorite things!!!

Comfy clothes

I've got several axes for comfort, but here are the basics:

good fabrics (don't chafe, don't have weird stitches that keep rubbing over my skin)

good cuts (don't ride up/down)

allow for as much movement as possible, so I never feel like anything's hindering me

During winter, when it gets fucking cold here (and I'm bad with cold):

I have these super-sweet, very cold-resistant pants from Columbia, which is a sportswear company. I like sportswear, it does the job.

comfy semi-hiking boots (which are SUPER hard to find for women, I grabbed a suitable pair from the men's section). Yeah, I'm not hiking. who cares. the point is that they're sturdy, waterproof and made for people to do some heavy duty walking in. Overkill for my 3 miles through the town? Maybe. But watch me give no fucks.

nice, comfy t-shirt

nice, comfy blouse (thickness depending on weather) OR hoodie

cold-resistant jacket

scarf

If I get too hot during winter, I open the jacket before I start sweating; if I'm wearing a hoodie underneath that jacket and for some reason I'm super-hot (I dunno, maybe I'm carrying groceries and going real fast), I'll be zipping down the hoodie, too. The scarf will protect my neck and chest, but the jacket and hoodie will be cooled down by the freezing winter air.

During summer:

plastic is the devil. it's not breathable. try getting cotton if you can (or linen), because polyester will be shite, it will stick to you, it'll make you sweat.

sneakers! tennis shoes! Tennis shoes are lighter, and they're as far from waterproof as you can get without being made of water, but they're my favorites on a sunny day. I've had the most luck finding comfy pairs in that section.

I'm an "all socks are socks" sort of person and give zero fucks. My firm belief is that it's the *shoe* that should be doing most of the work to prevent blisters (hello, tennis shoes!). But I've always hated the really short ones that are meant to look like you're not wearing socks at all, because all socks slide down, so the very short ones tend to need fixing all the fucking time. If you have more issues with socks than me, buy various pairs, see what works.

I favor long pants and long skirts, because they protect me from the sun and also from whatever surfaces I'm sitting on. They tend to be wider/flowier so they don't cling, and so they don't ride up (no friction = no cling = not running up my body). I can wear shorts or shorter skirts, but the same principles of "don't hinder movement, don't cling to me" apply.

hats are not stupid, but one that looks good on you and stays on your head can be hard to find. if the problem is the sun getting into your eyes, consider a baseball cap... or sunglasses. if, otoh, the problem is that the sun is hitting you directly and constantly, a bigger hat to also protect from heatstroke is better than sunglasses. (OR alternately a head scarf, which has the advantage that you don't need to find the right size; but has the disadvantage that you need to learn how to tie it so it looks like a fashion statement and not a fashion disaster.)

Where to walk

There are two options that I personally think are best: pretty places meant for leisure, that have loads of trees and nature (city parks, hiking trails); and urban settings where everybody's going somewhere and the sidewalks are clearly in use. It's best if you find a place with trees along the sidewalk for shade, especially in the summer, but let's face it: those are rare.

Obviously, pretty places have the advantage that you see pretty things and you get to enjoy nature or whatnot.

But places like this (Bucharest, Romania, downtown) are fine:

They're great, actually.

Everybody's going somewhere, the cars and pedestrians are clearly separated, nobody cares what you're doing, there are too many people for anyone to notice you, and if you take five turns around the same block, it'll take a very bored old lady to notice.

Usually, while not at this scale, most cities and even villages here will have some sort of area with decent sidewalks (Ibănești, a random village I dropped into via Google street view):

Obviously, in the above picture, people will notice if you keep going up and down and all around, but if you walk purposefully enough, and if the village is long enough to not do this enough times, they'll just assume you're running errands.

I don't know what US city plans are like, and if you can get these features easily or not.

But the main point is: find a place that's pretty safe. Separating cars and pedestrians so that you don't end up crossing each other unless you're crossing the street (or the cars are parking). Large roads next to tiny sidewalks, with no trees and no shade, tend to create a feeling of exposure and unsafety, so I kind of hate them (taking the road out of Bucharest in Băneasa; you can see how nobody's walking on that comparatively tiny sidewalk):

Walk with a purpose

If you're worried about people's perceptions, walk like you're going somewhere, and people will assume you've got things to do.

In fact, while I personally am fine just walking around aimlessly, I know people who aren't like that (*cough* my partner *cough*) and who need a Purpose. So I'm always like, "Ta! I'm going out! It is a magical journey and I will establish my route based on whim!" And he's like, "I'm going to go to that place and do that thing."

You can go to the store, if one is in the area. ("I need to buy an orange!") You can go look at someone's tree and try to figure out what it is; if anyone asks (nobody will) you were thinking of planting one yourself. Or maybe wondering if you can have a bonsai of that sort of tree, if you don't have a yard.

If anyone notices you staring at their yard and is wondering what's up (over here, the chances of this happening are very low, but I'm not sure about your area), compliment. People love compliments on things they did. You'll make friends.

Entertainment

I'm a headphone person! I blast music, listen to podcasts or call people when I'm on a walk. This is why I firmly believe in the separation between car and pedestrian: I only need to be careful when crossing the road. Headphones also help with traffic noises. If I write, it's a good moment to think of my characters, if I have something I want to listen to, this is a good time, and if I want to call my parents and have a long talk, it's perfect.

Sometimes, I also go out with my camera and take photos of random things. Birds, houses, trees, bees, cats, flowers, roads, whatever. The walking's slower, but whatever.

And my favorite thing is going on a walk with someone and talking about all sorts of things. You'd be surprised how well walking and talking go together - it's easy to become animated, and to get new ideas when you walk. The Ancient Greeks had a whole name for philosophers who walked and talked (the peripatetics).

Sensitivity!

A lot of things can be mitigated (cold, heat, discomfort), but the great news is that you'll grow more resilient in time. Things that bother you now might become better later, as your body and your mind adjust. Even blisters can become less frequent if you have comfy shoes and feet that are used to walking.

As for bugs... I'm really feeling Arabs, seriously. I think my general discomfort with being touched by odd things is why I tend to cover loads of skin when outside. But even so, the bugs aren't that bad.

Ah, I also have masks, which I sometimes put on to protect myself from pollen/insect swarms.

Treadmills

Boring, UNLESS.

Some of my friends listen to podcasts on a treadmill, but I discovered that I can read on a treadmill, which I can't do when walking in any other context. So that's what I do, even if it's more difficult. Because I'm insane.

You can also listen to music, or, but I've never enjoyed this, watch something.

Sometimes, I set games for myself. I've got a treadmill that can be set at various inclines, so sometimes I'll start at the highest and lower the incline as I go (according to rules I set for myself), or things like that. I've gotten way better at going up and down hills simply because I'm a stubborn ass who wanted the numbers to look pretty in my head.

The point is, find an activity you enjoy doing, and see if it works for you in combination with a treadmill (if you have a treadmill already). I personally wouldn't call anyone while on a treadmill, because those things are noisy, but if it doesn't bother you, that's also a possibility.

Treadmills are especially good when the weather is bad. If it's too cold outside, or too rainy, the treadmill is warm and dry.

Walking's fun and relaxing...

...but that happens when you're used to it. Like any other activity, it can be a bit shitty until you figure out what works for you, and until you build up enough resilience that it's not difficult to do.

What it's got going for it is versatility: you can do things while walking (talking, making up stories, listening to podcasts, taking photos).

And after a while, it gets super-ok. My ankle hurts because I fucked up when sitting at my desk (well... "sitting"... I'm not sure what I'm doing counts as sitting on this chair), and yesterday my ankle hurt, but not so much that I couldn't walk. I went outside three times, for groceries or short walks, and I got over 9700 steps in total (counting walking through the house and whatnot). My ankle is also better today.

Calling my neurospicy/ADHD/autistic siblings with a question:

How do you walk for fun/exercise?

Personally, I've realized that I actually hate walking? For decades I've been trying to force myself to enjoy going for a quick walk around the block because every piece of advice about physical and mental health says "just go for a walk 😊 it's fun and relaxing 😊 anyone can do it 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊"

BUT IT IS NEITHER FUN NOR RELAXING??!?

I present to you the following:

Every window you walk past has the potential for one or more sets of eyes. EYES THAT COULD BE PERCEIVING YOU.*

Hot. Cold. Rain. Wind. Allergies. Insects. INSECTS THAT FOLLOW YOU (fucking horseflies ugh)

Choices must be made. What clothes to wear? No you can't wear the shorts you're wearing because the thighs ride up. Go change. A hat?? Hats look dumb but counterpoint: sun is murdering your eyes. And shoes?!? WHICH SOCKS ARE RIGHT AND PREVENT BLISTERS BUT AREN'T TOO HOT ANSWER ME THIS

Chronic pain????????????

Okay I'm walking, I'm walking, look at the pavement, don't trip over that drainage grate, don't stumble on the loose gravel, god this is so freaking boring ah shit I rolled my ankle on the pavement did anyone see?? Why didn't I wear headphones but headphones are bad because I'm supposed to be enjoying nature™ and if I wear them I can't hear electric cars and I might get in an accident SHIT I rolled my ankle AGAIN

SO HOW DO YOU DO IT??? Are there tips and tricks? Do you just... not walk? Use a treadmill?? How do you make the treadmill not soul-suckingly boring????

(PLEASE no neurotypicals clowning on this post with any "advice" -- your statements have already been noted and accepted into the record. Autistic/ADHD rebuttals are what is being sought here thanks.)

*Do NOT give me that 'no one is looking at you' BS -- YES THEY ARE. I know this because I watch people walking by, and so does my mom and half the neighborhood.

[hvneybxns]

(—) ★ spotted!! KACEY KING on the cover of this week’s most recent tabloid! many say that the 23 year old looks like KAIA GERBER, but i don’t really see it. while the SINGER is known for being IDEALISTIC my inside sources say that they have a tendency to be GULLIBLE. i swear, every time i think of them, i hear the song CONFIDENCE BY OCEAN ALLEY { she/her - cisfemale}

death tw, adoption tw.

kacey king was not born a king at all, but instead she came into the world the daughter of a crying teenage girl who had no idea how to be a mother and she adopted by two lonely souls looking for someone to complete their family.

john and savannah were great parents, kacey never knew anything but love, she was spoiled beyond belief, hugged each night before she went to sleep. she was a happy child and her parents whole world. everything in her life was perfect until one night the baby sitter didn't leave when her parents came home as they normally would before she was due in bed for the night, that alone was enough for kacey to realise that something was up but it was confirmed when the two uniformed police offers showed up to talk to her.

her parents had been killed by a drunk driver in a collision on the way home and kacey was once more alone with no parents. with no next of kin listed given that it was just kacey and her parents she ended up in a group home for older girls as she was already twelve years old.

she spent her remaining years coasting her way through the system, moving to temporary homes until someone younger and cuter needed a place and then it was back to the group placements. she was never mistreated like some of the kids that she heard stories from but she sure as hell wasn't loved like she had known those first years of her life.

her chore money allowed her to buy her very first i-pod at age 14 and it was her very favourite thing in the world. the same fourteen songs cycled on repeat until she was able to upgrade it but it was what kept her sane on her back and forth. kacey soon realised that it was music in general that grounded her, whether that was writing down bits of her own music that sprung to mind or singing her heart out whether she was getting in trouble for it or not.

at 18 years old kacey eventually aged out of the system and left her group home with a rucksack of clothes and a guitar one of the other kids had given her when they aged out.

she had no idea what she was going to do, but tennessee always had something for dreams and she would figure something out. her luck seemed to change just three weeks after her venture out into the world on her own when a tour bus of hungry musicians and sound guys wondered into her diner after a show looking for food. she knew who they were, everyone in the damn diner did but she never expected one of the guitarists to invite her along with them on the road.

she didn't need to be asked twice and she was quick to pick up her stuff and head out with them on the road. her romance with the guitarist didn't last long, but her love for music only grew as she moved with the tour, making herself useful whilst she could and bentley hart never seemed to mind that she had crashed his gig as long as she made herself useful.

with one tour over she made her way back to tennessee and spent her time back at different diners working to pay rent whilst trying to find studio gigs but it was hard without the right connections to get her in the door so when that next call game to see if she wanted to go back on the road with the team? kacey once again packed up her bags and made her way out.

this time proved to be a little bit different though and she was less a background extra and more a part of the story, she made friends with the front of house guys like bentley himself and she really felt like she had what it took to do something for herself when she was back home. 6 months ago bentley had other ideas after finding her music book and mid set kacey was pulled up to the front to sing in front of thousands of people.

her video spiralled from there and her voice was dubbed as the next big thing. she became a regular on stage with bentley for at least one song and eventually more and more people were contacting her about her own music.

her very first album had just launched and she is now in LA riding the wave of her new found stardom and learning to navigate her own big bright world.

[niharikaslernings]

A struggling story of a man

Introduction:-

For new viewers, let me give you a quick information of what I write. So, I write blogs on what I learnt from the whole day because every day has it's unique sense and it always taught you some tiny lessons but in pressure of your goals, you forget those micro learnings. In simple words, I write blogs on everyday's learning. This particular blog is about what I learnt from today. Therefore, be with me till the end and most importantly enjoy the blog of today.

Incidence:-

Today, at evening I was sitting with my father. He was telling me about his struggles which he had faced while finding job. So, he told me that he had done his schooling from his village and from hindi medium and his graduation from a very cheap college of his city. That's the reason why he was not so familiar with english and on that time, there is craze of english. Peoples who know english, they get jobs so quickly and easily. But for non-fluent english speakers, there are plenty of opportunities available. My father found it very difficult to get a job. He gave many exams but he failed because he finds it difficult to understand the question paper as most of the papers are in english language. After failing many competitive exams, he decided to go in army because he was very energetic & fearless person. So he found himself fit into that role and he started working so hard. He describes his preparation period as the hardest phase of his life. He runs or covers meters of long way by carrying a clock with himself (because he do not have wrist watch, it's not because he don't have money but it's because he had a stubbornness that now I will buy whatsoever, it is with my own money). He woke up daily at 4:00 am, follow the same routine of running. This was also the period when his relatives are laughing at him, they were trying to discourage him my saying you will not get a job. He was working so hard but still he failed. But he had made his mind to join army, so he applied again but he failed. This happened several times. Once, he had qualified everything but the duration of the qualification was of 6 months and because of his bad luck, there is no recruitment happened in those 6 months. It was a depressive moment of his life. A time came, when his age was about to over as army recruitment had age limits. It was the last attempt, he could make for his bright future. He was hopeless but he thought to try it with a belief that if it will happen it's okay, if it will not happen still it's okay. When he told everyone that I am going to apply again, my grandmother said "It hadn't happened in 5 years, So it will not happen. Don't need to apply, it is destroying your health". My father replied:- it's fine if it will not happen but I don't want to leave any chance from my side. He gone there, he founded that crowd more than he had ever seen in his past attempts. After looking at the crowd, he thought that let's go back home, it is not going to happen. While he was pondering about it, while submitting documents of crowd, the documentaries collector snatched the documents from my father's hand. It means he is registered in the running competition. He with no hope started the race and got 5 or 6 rank from 300-400 peoples. He passed the examination, physicals and He got selected for the position of army man. He told me that I learnt a lesson that day which is learning section.

Learning:-

He learnt that never be hopeless in life. Accept all the challenges, chances and opportunities which are given by your life. Because you never know which of your decisions can be life changing. Therefore, be optimistic.

[tarotbykim]

hello! P 🐞 here, thank u so much for the reading! half way through reading it i began to cry, especially on the parts where you mentioned how i felt nobody would be there for me and my view of myself in general. i realize that i do have this hurt in me and when i think about it, many reasons as to why i may feel this way come up in my head but they all come up in a sort of jumbled mess if that makes sense? i cannot seem to get clear on it at all. if possible, could i please have another reading on what could have caused this hurt that made me internalize it to this level and possible steps i can take to heal from it? only if it’s okay, if not i totally understand! thank you again!

Hi P! 🐞

I 100% understand the reading must’ve been very overwhelming, and that there are additional questions you have now. I’ve gone through the cards again and quite a lot of them came out, so I’m not mentioning each of them specifically (will drop them in the tags, in case you’re interested), but rather I’ll give a summary down here.

Before diving in, I do want to mention that the tarot is a great guide to find more clarity, but in no way is it equal to professional (mental) health support and/or therapy. So if there’s a part of you that tells you it might be helpful to consult a professional to help you along that healing journey, I would always advise it.

What seems to have caused the pain is that in your past - most likely in your formative years - you’ve had to endure a lot of change. It was a very tumultuous period in your life without a firm ground to stand on. It caused a lot of overwhelm & anxiety for you, and although there were people there to help / make the changes work (rather efficiently, even), somehow you’ve had to resort to self-discipline & you developed a fear of not living up to the expectations that were put on you during this time.

You’ve internalized this feeling because there was nothing, during that period, that you could do to make it better. You’ve probably clung onto the belief that fulfilling those expectations & being self-disciplined were ways to keep on going. It felt like you against the world, and that feeling has stuck with you since.

At this moment, you’re either taking too much time for introspection and reflection (isolating yourself), or too little (trying to ignore the issues that are there). It’s very important you find a balance in this. Choose practices that help you feel connected to yourself, use them, and at the same time keep investing in your social circles too. You don’t have to be out there all the time, but as was suggested earlier, don’t isolate yourself completely. The basis of finding this balance is self-care. Make sure your needs are met. Rest. This may be uncomfortable at first if you are not used to it, but it’s absolutely key. If your needs are left unmet, your mind & body will not have the space for growth & healing. (PS. If you send me a DM, I can send you a few helpful resources regarding taking care of your needs. Think about it ♥️)

Then last but not least, it will take effort to choose this path. Expect setbacks, and hard work. However, the deck definitely assures you it’s the right path to take.

Good luck 💪✨♥️♥️

-Kim

(PS. This reading is free, and I hope you've found value in it! In case you wish to sponsor my work you can buy me a coffee! Of course, this is not mandatory nor expected! I also really appreciate any constructive feedback!💫)

[blue-eyed-bloodstains]

When was the last time you swam in a pool? 🏊‍♀️ a few years ago (pre COVID) at Hershey Park Water Park with my fiance. wayyy overdue to go swimming this summer

Would you rather have an indoor pool or outdoor pool? doesn’t really matter to me

What was the last thing you said out loud? “oh my gooooodddddddd” bitching at my computer trying to get music playing to start this lmao 

Do you think you could ever be an opera singer? hell no!

How often do you eat bread? 🥖 I’m Italian/Irish mostly so it’s most of my diet lol I’d say maybe 3-4 times a week given we get subs and burgers a lot

When was the last time you looked in the mirror and thought you looked pale? I’m ALWAYS pale, not just the Irish in me but  I’m barely ever outside due mostly to debilitating illnesses making it hard to physically function for long on my feet for years now so...yeah

Have you ever wanted to be a nurse? 👩‍⚕️ not a nurse no but I did wanna be a vet for a long time as a kid so basically yeah just for animals instead

Would you ever want to be a nurse? Why or why not? no, I live in and out of hospitals I always have and I’d never be able to handle the trauma and mental/emotional hell...

Who or what do you worship? I don’t worship anything, I have my beliefs but I’m not religious

What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? ha seriously? what DON’T they? umm but for a lighter note of being made fun of, messing with one another between a friend and I on FB vid last week

Do you own a mini sewing kit that you use for altering clothing? 🧵 no my fiance’s parents are the sewers lol 

Do you know a Ted? I have in the past but not currently no

Do you own a beret? 👩‍🎨 no

When was the last time you wore a beret? when I was real young in gymnastics for a performance

What is one thing you have found to be a bore? my every day which is stuck home couch ridden alone stuck to my own devices, especially with my fiance being gone for work all the time

Where do you keep your out-of-season clothes? I don’t own many clothes, so I don’t have “seasons” 

If you had to pick your top three favorite colors, what would they be? black, blue, beige/tan

How many inches do you normally have to hem up your pants? 👖 please I’ve never needed to, pants have always been mostly “floods” on me cause of my height and long legs lmao

What are three things you would buy if you were rich? 🤑 our own house, my own car (nothing flashy), lots of pets

How many times in your life have you been stung by a bee or a wasp? 🐝 never thank god and I don’t plan on it! knowing my luck that’ll be the only thing I’m actually allergic to on top of it hurting like all hell

Have you ever swam in one of the Great Lakes? nope would love to though

….and if so, how many of the Great Lakes have you swam in? –

Do you believe in the devil? 👹 yeah? look around, how could you not??

What is one thing you wish were more easily accessible? mental health care/treatment

Do you enjoy playing icebreaker games when you’re in a group of people you just met? ummm not sure I’ve ever really played any, but I’d like to since I’m very socially anxious so it’d help me relax a bit

What is your favorite icebreaker game? –

What is one thing you find serene? standing on the beach at the Highlands in NJ where we spread Mimi’s ashes...I try to go every anniversary of her death and I always feel her there so strong and I can actually just breathe and relax...

Have you ever chopped something with an axe? 🪓 no and I’d probably fail miserably lol

What is your favorite genre of music? I love most anything

What is one thing you like that tastes sour? I mean I can suck on a lemon or lime no problem without cringing? then again I’m an alcoholic so that’s probably why I got used to it from garnishes lol

Do you think “Sour Patch Kids” sounds too much like “Cabbage Patch Kids”? I guess lol never really thought about it 

Did you ever own a Cabbage Patch doll when you were a kid? umm I could swear Mimi got me one when I was a baby from what I was told but I don’t remember it

Do you like the candy Sour Patch Kids? yeah they’re delicious and now I want some dammit! 

What was the last song you listened to on repeat? Nutshell by Alice In Chains....

What is one mistake you’ve made that you hope to never repeat? pretty much my entire life, swear to god...

What was the last thing you baked in the oven? pssh me bake? XD

Have you ever been to a track meet? 🏃‍♀️ no

What do you call the bathroom? Do you say bathroom, restroom, washroom, lavatory, loo, toilet, latrine, or….? bathroom, occasionally restroom if I need a public one and I’m asking an employee at whatever store

When was the last time you made guacamole? 🥑 I never have

Do you know of any schools that have the beaver for a mascot? not that I know of

Have you ever stayed in a suite? no, just an occasional real nice hotel room

[tastesoftamriel]

So you know how it's human nature to do really stupid shit just to see what our bodies will let us get away with, including dumb food challenges? What kinda dumb extreme food challenges do the people of tamriel get up to?

I'm of the belief that stupidity extends to all things, right down to food itself. While I strongly suggest not trying any of these challenges yourself, you're always welcome to watch people making a fool of themselves by doing...

Altmer

The prim and proper High Elves don't so much participate in dumb food challenges, but they are competitive when it comes to their food and wine. Gastronomy gurus in Summerset often "duel" each other with blind tastings to demonstrate one's superior palate, from types of rice to extremely specific vintages. It's pompous, pretentious, and downright ridiculous to an oafish nebarra like myself, but as a chef, I can say they're arses.

Argonians

Black Marsh is home to a whole host of delicious seafood, but Argonians like to test their luck with what they call Sithis' Kiss, made from the flesh of the poisonous Michinitl. The fish is served raw, and sliced thinly with expert precision. While preparing the fish properly removes the dangerous toxins, unskilled chefs have unintentionally killed many a tourist and fellow Argonian alike with this dish.

Bosmer

The Wood Elves are brilliant hunters, but sometimes take things a little far in the name of a meal (unthrappa being a case in point). There's a common saying that the more dangerous the catch, the better the meat tastes, and this has led some to participate in ridiculous, and at times disastrous hunts. One story that haunts me is a hunting party that accidentally led a wild timber mammoth through a village, where it gored an old woman and grievously injured many others. Pick on something your own size!

Bretons

Rivenspire hosts an annual competition where a huge prize wheel of sharp Northpoint cheese is rolled down a very steep hill, and Men and Mer alike roll themselves after it to the finish line. The first to reach the bottom of the hill wins the cheese, but injuries aplenty occur during the cheese race- I will personally stick to buying my Red Northpoint from the store!

Dunmer

For some reason, the Dark Elves quite enjoy eating live things, and sometimes with dire consequences. It has been a trend on Vvardenfell to catch small octopuses, which are served live with a dip of salty saltrice sauce, pickled comberry, and saltrice vinegar. As you can imagine, the application of sauce generally incites rage in the octopus, which will sometimes choke its eater to death from inside the esophagus. Please don't do this, and eat your food dead.

Imperials

Wine is one of Cyrodiil's major exports, and the Province is swimming in it- literally. Wine-diving is a sport where a bunch of grapes are tied to the bottom of a vat of wine, and contestants must swim to the bottom and bring the grapes back to the surface with their teeth alone. The winner is whoever does this is the shortest time. As the hands are often tied behind the back to prevent cheating, this game has also led to a boozy demise for a few poor souls, who presumably died doing what they love: being submerged in wine.

Khajiit

It's no secret that Elsweyr cuisine is often loaded with chilis, and the Khajiit love challenging themselves and their guts with increasingly spicy chili eating contests. Participants are each given a glass of milk with moon sugar and are given up to ten different levels of fiery Oblivion to pass through. You don't normally win a prize beyond being known as that crazy jeek who can breathe fire, but it's a reputation that might just be worth the pain (not that I'll ever come close to winning).

Nords

You've heard about the famed eating contests of Skyrim, but do you really know about it? Participants starve themselves for days before the contest, or stretch their stomachs by gorging themselves, or just have naturally voracious appetites. There are only two rules: no throwing up, and no cheating, especially with magic. Everything else is in the hands of Ysmir the second you take a bite of turkey thigh. Only the truly gluttonous will win an eating contest among Nords. Attempt at your own discretion.

Orcs

The tuskiest of Orcs often step up to the plate when it comes to eating dangerously, but at the expense of one's teeth. While it's not common, bored Orcs have been known to challenge each other to chewing and swallowing increasingly hard foods, like tough jerky to whole solid dried bonito blocks. Unless you have teeth of steel and a stomach of malachite, it's not advisable to attempt this.

Redguards

The Alik'r is home to many dangerous creatures, including vipers and giant scorpions. Some crazy Redguard once upon a time mixed the venom from these two creatures, poured it into a glass with a shot of double rum, drank it...and survived. Many others have not been so lucky. While this dangerous drink has been decried by the law for years, you can't stop people from doing dumb things when they've really set their minds to it!

[flickeringart]

Neptune in aspect with Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Pluto and Chiron

(Read my other posts 1: Neptune aspecting Sun & Moon, 2: Neptune aspecting Mercury & Venus, 3: Neptune aspecting Mars)

It is always difficult to interpret aspects of generational planets to other generational planets because they are such big forces and encompasses such broad complexity that it would take a genius to accurately convey their impact through the Mercurial function; verbal and written communication. The social and collective planets are describing the bigger picture of what is going on a societal and global scale – but they do matter in the personal natal chart because they indicate the overall collective climate that one was born into and will inevitably color the personal life experience. When I refer to “collective tendencies” in describing these aspects I’m therefore also referring to “personal tendencies”.

Neptune in aspect with Jupiter

With the harmonious aspects this would translate into a time of deep collective faith and belief in the transience of the world as well as a faith in the ability to be redeemed through the correct attitude and positive expectations. This is a typical aspect of “follow your heart and your dreams” which is often considered extremely naïve by more “realistic” people. With this aspect forming at a point in time, there’s a greater collective tendency to take chances and put one’s luck in the hands of the universe. This aspect lends itself to big dreams and visions, a freedom to pursue spirituality and let go of inhibitions, to pursue freedom with complete abandon of boundaries, to enjoy culture and contribute to it in order to feel closer to the divine. In case of the hard aspects, belief systems may be dissolving and reconstructed, the future might seem obscure; the erosion of culture and lost sense purpose might cause people to pursue religion or spiritual doctrine more vigorously than ever. People could attempt to escape from it all through distraction and dissociation, to cling to illusions in order to cope, or take to drugs in order to numb the sense of meaninglessness and desperation that permeates the social-societal fabric. The hard aspects could indicate disillusionment and disappointment in religious doctrine, an abandonment of belief and collective spirit. People could feel betrayed and deceived by thought leaders and visionaries leading them astray instead of enriching their lives. In any case, these two planets together combine the yearning for something sacred and transcendent with the symbolic expressions of meaning in culture and social life.

Neptune in aspect with Saturn

With the harmonious aspects this combination of planets, the collective might try to create a system of protection for the less fortunate, to provide a container for the unformed and passive souls that are helpless in the face of existence. It might also lend itself to collective fantasies of the ideal state with an ideal structure. Hard work and duty might be glorified and seen as the height of goodness. There could even be a great sense of bliss in restricting and depriving in order to chip away at a distant goal. It could also mean that there’s romanticizing and mythologizing of authority, a deep need to idealize paternal figureheads and put faith in tradition. This aspect forming at a specific point in time could generate a tendency to expect to be taken care of by society, for the powers that be to provide and coddle its citizens. There could be an expectancy to be redeemed through putting noses to the grindstone and get rewarded in this (or the next) life for doing the right thing, for believing in the system. With the harmonious aspects this might not be such a disastrous preconception to live by but with the harder aspect it becomes another story. With the hard aspects, Neptune-Saturn might express ad deep guilt and regret in not pursuing worldly goals or becoming successful – there could likewise be a sadness of not being receptive enough to have dreams and longings because of too much realism. There might be great defensiveness collectively against chaos as to make people paranoid to not loose control. Counter to what is desired; this fear might cause more disorder and a collapse of defense systems through the very effort of keeping them intact. Saturn has to do with boundaries and Neptune has to do with dissolution, which might indicate collective experiences of trying to keep things in but being unable to. Avoiding the “swamp” whatever form it comes in, would be the dilemma of these people’s lives and for the greater collective at this specific point in time. Escaping responsibility causes guilt and disorder and taking responsibility will cause guilt and disorder, whether it’s mental or physical or both. There’s dysfunction present at both ends. There would possibly be an undermining of authority taking place and simultaneously a stronger defensiveness around authority in order to not fall prey to the temptation of chaos.

Neptune in aspect with Uranus

With the harmonious aspects, this set of planets will combine themselves to create a common experience of looking to the future for redemption. That which is new is idealized and welcomed with open arms – change might seem like an appealing concept. Dreams of a utopian society where every individual is accepted and harmoniously coexisting without the necessity of rigid rules and structure might be prevalent. Faith in humanity and its capacity for genius to solve all its problems might come with this planetary contact. In fact, Neptune is sextile Uranus at this point in time, pointing to a longing for change and the opportunity to create something new that saves humanity from the “dark” past and elevates it to new heights of spiritual and scientific excellence. This is a highly idealistic combo that can produce genius solutions that are in line with the yearnings of the collective. The hard aspects can create tremendous despair and incapacity to pursue progress, without feeling like there’s an abandonment of the potential for redemption. These are the aspects that will sabotage any new endeavor and model in favor of remaining in a state of nebulous undifferentiated potential. New discoveries and insights made during the time of the hard aspects might produce great hurt and disillusionment in the collective. The new discoveries will seem to threaten that which is perceived as pure and sacred, the romantic ideals of humanity will be crushed in favor of breaking free from the limits of the status quo. The collective might polarize into people who want to jump on the band wagon of more advanced thought and the people who can’t abandon the “way things are” because of sentimentality and feeling ties. Either way, with the hard aspects there will be a conflict of the glamorous, timeless and bittersweet and the push to break out of the confines of old society. Neptune often symbolizes the urge to regress or transcend to reach a state of unity; Uranus symbolizes radical rebellion and revolution. With the hard aspects, there’s no way to have both. Uranus is too aggressive and might push people into emotional chaos, Neptune is too receptive and might consume and confuse people as to what is really going on in terms of thought advancement to ever come outside of their current mental framework.

(Buy products with my art) 

Neptune in aspect with Pluto

With the harmonious aspects, the Neptune-Pluto dynamic expresses itself through experience of unity through crisis. This might sound scary, but Pluto is after all representative of destruction and rebirth. With this aspect the collective longing for redemption stimulates the impulse to protect something that is necessary for survival. At this point in time Neptune is sextile Pluto, which makes sense considering the state of the world we’re in at the moment. There’s a sense of a need for survival in order to be able to guarantee a blissful destiny of humanity. The collective feeling tone is certainly categorized by fear and paranoia at this time, but also of greater oneness because the whole world is going through this pandemic. With the Neptune-Pluto sextile there’s a need for drastic measures in order to survive the pressure that is felt. The way to Eden is through the darkness. Pluto is in Capricorn, which suggests the desire to protect and control the structure of society at all costs – hard work and endurance is necessary for survival on a collective level. To ensure integrity of the building blocks of society becomes more important than anything else.

With the hard aspects between these planets, the picture becomes less appealing. The urge to merge and retreat into the world of pre/post existence to find healing and peace inevitably causes chaos and violent destruction. The collective would find that the fear and pressure that is experienced is too much to handle. Taking control and exercising power destroys all the hope of beauty and love in the world. This aspect could indicate a time of heart-breaking vulnerability and a lot of fear and need to escape into a dream of how things could be. People born around the years of 1814-1822 seem to have Neptune square Pluto in their charts if you look it up on astrotheme.com. These people would’ve been born into a collective climate of hopelessness and despair to some extent, of power wielded over the weak. There would’ve been a necessity to surrender to the threat of death, to accept the unacceptable and either give up power or use it at the expense of sensitivity and compassion. Karl Marx is a good example of an individual with the square aspect because it falls across two angular houses, Pluto in the 1st  house of self and Neptune in the 10thhouse of public image. The conflict between Neptune-Pluto is consequently evident in his persona. Publicly he’s known for his ideas about how the ideal society should be run (Neptune conjunct Uranus in the 10th). He argued that class tension and antagonism that developed under capitalism was unsustainable – the ruling classes controlling the means of production and the working class offering their labor in exchange for wages would not work in the long run in his opinion. The working class would eventually develop class-consciousness and conquer political power to establish a classless communist society. In this case, Neptune symbolizes the working class and Pluto the ruling class - in Marx’s experience these were at odds with each other (as reflected in his chart). His opinions certainly came from his inner personal tension of needing to identify as powerful (Pluto 1st house) and to offer a recipe of redemption as a part of his life’s work (Neptune in the 10th). I’m sure he felt powerful in himself, yet despairingly at loss when having to contribute to society. Undoubtedly, he felt like he had to give up his power to serve at the feet of the ruling class, to “give himself up”, like Neptune often nudges us to.

Neptune in aspect with Chiron

The harmonious aspects would translate into a peak experience through suffering, a sense of being touched by the sublime through the unintended infliction of pain, whether it’s physical or psychological. Redemption is inextricably linked with the misfortunes and wounding that can’t be cured with current scientific method. Suffering is somehow a vehicle for finding a sense of unity with the remainder of life, it makes for a transcendent experiences that allows for ecstatic bliss in conjunction with permanent damage and disability. At the point in time of the aspect’s formation there might be an unusual acceptance and romanticizing of disability, even to the point of elevating it to something divine and sacred. Knowledge and methods of healing are pursued as a means of redemption, a means of returning to Eden. Technique and skill to remedy the wounds of the collective are sought with a deeper emotional hunger. Compassion and unconditional love might be seen as the key component to healing. Artistry, creativity, music, drug use, alcohol, meditation, hypnosis and emotional surrender might be sought in the name of healing. There could be an effort to collectively spread as much knowledge and insight as possible in order to cure a little bit of the ignorance that causes so much trouble in society. Living with a permanent wound unites people, it connects the souls of the world in mutual longing to go “home”, to return to oneness. The wound stimulates a longing for fusion, which might express itself through a deep understanding of people’s suffering. Princess Diana is a perfect example of someone with the trine; she saw the universality of suffering and wasn’t hesitant to shower “love” on people with severe sickness or disability. She saw herself in people’s pain.

The hard aspects are more gruesome, as always. Personal wounds conflict with the need for fusion and a sense of oneness with existence. At the specific point in time of this aspect there might’ve been feelings in the collective of being fundamentally flawed and damaged to ever be redeemed and brought into the light of the eternal. There would’ve been great struggle to save people from irretrievable damage, yet the longing itself could cause more damage and additional feelings of insufficiency. There could’ve been a tendency to cover up the wound, numb it out and avoid looking at it in order to have a chance at something beautiful, pure and elevated. However, the escape and dissociation from it would only make it worse. The resistance to hope would potentially make the healing journey difficult. Great sympathy could be present yet it would be frequently cancelled out by stone cold realism. Chiron is the wounded healer archetype. He uses the mind and his practical skills to cope. When he’s in hard aspect with Neptune there’s going to be tension in the face of the possibility of redemption. It might only be an illusion after all, and the dark abyss of disillusionment is nothing to gamble with– consequently people would stick to the difficult but nonetheless, real, experience of pain in front of them. However when the pain of life becomes too much and one succumbs to the sweet escape through drugs, alcohol, food, tv, spiritual practices or any other method, it might backfire terribly and cause total disintegration and victimization. A good example of someone with the square is Oprah Winfrey with Chiron in the 1sthouse and Neptune in the 10th house. She’s widely known as a person of great compassion and insight – on a public level she embodies the role of the redeemer to some extent. Her identity however is that of someone who’s been wounded yet has come to terms with the burden and has learnt to live with it. She’s generally perceived to be very wise, similar to Chiron in myth. However, in her need to heal people she makes it into a show and molds the narrative to her liking or preference sometimes. She’s deeply compassionate, yet she can also expect people to live with the permanent burden of certain pains. Her Neptune draws the public in – promises redemption, but in person, she expects people to be realistic and strip their issues down without glamorizing or mythologizing.

[peakascum]

Reunion

First of all, thank you so much for the feedback on my first fic! Second of all, I am still trying to make the masterlist but Ia m new to this so it will take time. In the meantime, I will put a “peakascum” tag on every imagine so you will be able to find every writing under that tag on my profile. Anyway, hope you enjoy this one!

Polly had smoked half a pack of cigarettes since the beginning of the family meeting. She had come in and sat at the most far out corner and stared aimlessly at the floor. Skin pale as ever, but her eyes held a whirlpool of emotions. She had a look of confusion, perhaps terror. A look the boys had only seen twice in their lives. The first time being when she bid them farewell at the train station before the war, the second time being when she learned the fate of her children. 

Tommy concluded the meeting, dismissing everyone to go about with their work and stared at her intently. “So are you going to tell me,” he paused to light his cigarette, “or am I gonna have to wait until you reach your breaking point?” Polly looked up at him and stood up, nervously fiddling with her hands. “It’s nothing Tom. Just stress.” She said, barely meeting his eyes. “Polly,” he started, clearing his throat, “we both know how you get when you bottle everything up. Now, I’m already stressed enough dividing everybody's jobs and calculating our next move. If this is about our rivals, you have nothing to worry about, but if-“ she gave him a pointed glance and said, “Oh come off it, Tom. It’s not about that. It’s- it’s silly.” The room stilled for a second. Polly kept staring at the window, building up courage, adjusting the words in her mind as to not sound completely delusional.

“I was at the market buying the essentials. Had to go all the way across town for that new tea that Ada likes- and I swear to God Thomas I am not on pills anymore- but I could've sworn I saw Martha.” She looked up at him, the first time since the beginning of the meeting. They both chuckled at how bizarre the idea sounded. “Martha? Our John’s dead wife Martha?” He had to say it out loud. The tone in his voice acknowledging how ridiculous it sounded. “I told you it was silly.”

But it wasn’t. To them, it did sound as if Polly was back on the self medication journey she went on since almost hanging. That was years ago. Since then, John had died, Michael had come back from America, they had moved up to high society, and had struck up new rivals on various spots in England. Life had changed. Clouds no longer lingered on the streets of Birmingham, everything started to matter a little bit more. They all missed John. Polly would pray for his soul every morning and every night. She would pray for his kids, the ones Esme took, pray they were safer and that somehow she would be able to see them again. 

The next family meeting had taken place in the small room at The Garrison. It was a quick one, more so to catch up on the day’s events. Arthur had come in around, whisky glass in hand, stumbling over his words, “So Poll you seeing ghosts now, eh?” He screamed, making the whole room chuckle and look at her expectantly. “That’s enough Arthur. Just an honest mistake.” She said, a grin painting her face, yet it did not reach her eyes. She knew it was silly, but it wouldn't be the first time she had seen the departed.

Finn stood near the door, facing Arthur’s back, laughing and mocking Polly with the rest of them. “I don’t really remember Martha well, but I don’t think you're delusional aunt Poll.” He said in a confident voice.  The room kept ignoring his words, busy with roaring laughter and the sound of their aunt’s voice scolding them all. Finn kept his posture and continued, “Besides, thought I heard John’s laugh the other day,” he mumbled. The room quieted for a moment. Finn looked up realizing they heard him and continued, “but it wasn’t, eh? Obviously. I-I’m not Polly, don’t have any of that gypsy crap with me.” 

Polly, furiously but steadily, stood up, “First of all,” she said making her way over to Finn, “it is not gypsy crap or gypsy bullshit, do not disrespect your roots.” She said as she smacked him in the head. ��Now look at me and tell me what you on about boy.” She grabbed his young face in her hands. “It’s nothing aunt Poll. Just like Martha. It’s nothing. Besides, it was a woman laughing Poll,” he stammered and ripped his face from her grip. Polly stared at him, then at the whole table full of very confused Shelbys. 

“I knew it. I can feel it,” she started, earning a deep glare from Tommy.

“Do not mock me. I can feel when the air shifts. I know what I saw.”

“Okay, that’s enough Poll,” said Arthur, no longer laughing. 

The Shelbys had not made another sound, looking at each other, wondering who would be the first to speak up. Their aunt’s statement had steadied them into a haunting lullaby, reminding them of the many gypsy traditions that they secretly carried with them. The good omens, the way the wind suddenly stilled into an ominous glare that same morning; and in a drastic turn of events, the way the hairs on the back of young Finn Shelby’s neck stood up at the sound of what he mistook for John’s laugh. 

____________________

A week had passed after the eerie conversation at The Garrison. They carried on with their business, with bets and the rival gang that had pestered Tommy for months now. They were closing in around corners of Small Heath, leaving threatening notes on their doorsteps and even going as far as killing a Blinder and leaving him on the betting shop’s entrance. This caused the family to carry trinkets of good luck and repeating gypsy mantras to calm their superstitious beliefs that came with their Romanian blood.

It had all led up to the current position they all found themselves in. Thomas had a gash on his brow, causing blood to adorn his features. His gun pointing at the enemy’s face. The Weston’s were known for their brutality, even worse than a Blinders wrath. Arthur held an already dead man in his arms screaming like a maniac, threatening others who would dare come for them. Finn, Isiah, and Michael incessantly beating and battling the other men, all in a row of punches and blood and gore. A scene so obscene that would have made any person queasy. But these were no ordinary people. They were Shelbys. Polly peaked her head through the small room’s door, enough to see the violence unfold. They had been attacked by surprise at their own pub, and she feared for her nephews lives, more so now than any other time. Never taking her eyes away from the scene, she ferociously prayed for a miracle, a gift, a second chance. 

The men grabbed Thomas by his arms, dangling him whilst another pointed a gun to his face. “Mr. Shelby, always have the upper hand,” said one of them with a tantalizing smirk, “but it seems your reign is over and your crown is mine.” The men chuckled and cheered, seeing their enemy half dead in their hands. Tommy looked up and smirked, which turned into a manic laugh, making the Blinders pause their movements. “Brother?” Arthur asked, gulping at Tom’s actions. Tommy looked at them still laughing, “You think you’ll defeat me? Whenever you think you have the upper hand, I will always be one step in front of you,” he paused to spit, and continued.

“It’s my legacy, it’s my family’s legacy. And you have the nerve to barge into my territory and declare war on me?” His smile never leaving his face, blood covering his teeth. All of them looking upon him in confusion. 

The doors to The Garrison opened letting in dust and a cold wind meddle its way in. Footsteps echoed through the current silent pub. Arthur dropped the man that he held between his arms. Finn’s eyes flashed a look of confusion, recognizing the presence that made its way into the pub. Polly’s hands shook against her sides, too numb to move them. The footsteps grew louder, yet the pace never changed. Tommy looked at the men as they noticed also and chuckled, “Do you you really think I would have left my pub unsupervised for you lot to take?” 

There in the middle of the room stood a group of men led by a girl, a girl that was perhaps younger than Finn. Her dark hair gathered loosely by a ribbon, freckles adorning her face and piercing eyes that matched her posture, determined and hard. Their saving grace. Their hail Mary pass.

“Y/N?” Whispered Arthur.

In a split second the Blinders ducked behind chairs and the other side of the bar. Their guns cocked and immediately erupted in a song of metal and flesh and screams. The girl’s face never changed, her body unbothered. Each and every men dropped to their knees with multiple bullets to their bodies. 

The noise suddenly stopped. The Weston’s Leader remained standing, too embarrassed and in shock to move. Y/N made her way over and pointed her gun to his face, “Don’t fuck with the Peaky Blinders.” immediately putting a bullet between his eyes. 

“Holy Jesus,” Polly said as she stumbled out of the room, “Y-You look just like her.”

Y/N turned around and smiled at the woman that stood there, pale as snow, as if she’d seen a ghost. “Hello aunt Poll.”

Tommy stood up with the help of a perplexed Arthur. “Who is she?”, Michael asked breaking the tension in the room. 

“I don’t think any of you remember me clearly, I was just a girl when I left.” She said, a small smile appearing on her face. “This is Y/N, John’s daughter,” piped Tommy, looking at her tenderly. 

“You weren’t delusional Polly, I just couldn't give her cover away.”

Polly made her way over to Y/N and cradled her face her hands. “I knew it,” she breathed out, “I knew it, didn't I? I knew that it wasn't a ghost. You look just like your mother.” Polly breathed out in a shaky voice causing the girl to smile widely.

“I reached out to Tommy. Wanted to be a part of the business, reunite with my family.” She said looking around the room excitedly. 

Polly took the girl in her arms, allowing herself to sob freely. The room warmed up with the Shelby’s smiles. It wasn't Martha, It wasn't John, but it was their niece. A living, breathing piece of John’s heart for them to hold and treasure. 

[remmushound]

Curse of the Clans part 11! @scentedcandlecryptid @selfindulgenz

They got to the town by morning. It wasn’t much of a town— more of a village by Leonardo’s standards. There was only one road, leading from one side of the town to the other, and all the inhabitants seemed to be the same creatures: rabbits. They weren’t the same species as Usagi however; their ears were short and erect, all of them sharing the same brown and black fur and similar, dull garments. They surely seemed out of place in such a white, snowy tundra.

Usagi stopped the cart and turned to Leonardo. “This is where we go our separate ways.”

Leonardo stared at Usagi for a moment, waiting for the punchline. When none came and the expression on Usagi’s face remained still and serious, Leonardo gave a weak laugh.

“You’re serious?”

Usagi tilted his head slightly. “I told you I could take you as far as the town.”

“Y-yeah, but— but that was before we had a bro-ment!”

“Broment…?” Usagi tilted his head to the other side.

“You know— bro moment! Bro-ment!”

“Well… er. Bro-ments aside, this is where we must part ways. In case you have yet to notice, you don’t exactly fit in around here.” Usagi nodded to the mammals, who were already starting to stare. “And I can’t have you calling unnecessary attention to me and Nuriyuki.”

“But…”

Usagi leaned into the cart and produced several coins, dropping them in Leonardo’s hand. “This is all I can spare for you. I wish you the best of luck, Leonardo Splinterson.”

***

The fresh meat was like pure gold to the badger cub's senses, the warmth of the lizard’s juices trickling down his throat and finding its way to the rest of his limbs. He finished the first lizard off very quickly, crunching through the bones so nothing went to waste, and made sure to lick his paws clean before digging into the second lizard.

Usagi chewed his dandelions slowly, the sharp taste was not bad, but far from good. It was filling and nutritious, and most importantly cheap. It would keep him going on the long road ahead. He sucked up the last of the stems in his mouthful like it was a noodle, taking the time to thoroughly chew and swallow before calling out to the night.

“I know you’re there, Leonardo.”

Leonardo gave a squeak from where he hid in the bushes.

“For a self-proclaimed samurai, you don’t know how to handle yourself around rabbits, do you? You should’ve stayed downwind. Come out now.”

Leonardo exposed himself to the light of the flame, his arms crossed over his chest in an attempt to preserve the heat that tries to escape. He had spent the coins Usagi gave him on a cloak-like garment, but it did little to keep him warm. Usagi patted the stone beside him, inviting Leonardo to sit around the warmth of the fire. Leonardo held no shame in accepting.

“Why are you still here?” Usagi offered Leonardo a handful of dandelions.

Leonardo refused as politely as he could, his nose scrunching up at the sharp smell. He wasn’t that desperate yet. “I really need your help Usagi. I— I can’t do this alone.” It left a burning sickness in Leonardo’s chest to admit he needed help, but he didn't care about ego when his family was on the line.

“Can’t do… what alone, Leonardo?”

“I lied to you. I’m not a samurai, Usagi.” Leonardo admitted. “I just didn’t want you to kill me...”

“No.” Usagi gave a gasp of faux astonishment.

From there, Leonardo told Usagi his story as best as he could remember it. He found himself repeating sections of story like he always did but was relieved that Usagi brought no attention to the repeats. He listened quietly, head low, ears perked, until Leonardo reached the end of his tale.

“I’m… not from around here, and I’ve already lost two days and do you have any idea how hard it is to ask for help? I should’ve brought my inhaler! But first I would have had to buy an inhaler. Do you know how expensive inhalers are—?!”

“Shhhhh…” Usagi raised his paw as he gently shushed, far too lost with Leonardo’s strange words to try and understand them. “You can come along, no need for all of that..” Usagi bit off the flower of another dandelion. “My master always taught me to believe in fate.

“Fate?” Leonardo breathed. “There’s no such thing.”

“Perhaps.” Usagi twirled the stem in his fingers. “But I believe. You should not discount other’s beliefs just because they do not coincide with your own. You told me your story, Leonardo. Now let me tell you mine.”

I was born to the clan Miyamoto, and just as my ancestors, I was destined for the path of the samurai. From the moment I could walk, I was in training with the sword. And at the age of five, just like all bucks in my family, I was taken away to the most influential school in our province: The Dogra School for Gifted Young Samurai. It is a mouthful. Except, unlike most, I wasn’t taken alone.”

“The younger one is more ears than rabbit.” Said the black and white buck sitting on the left side of the lazy board, guiding the horses that drew the carriage.

“He is the son of Magistrate Miyamoto.” Said the buck rabbits brown companion. “The school has high hopes for him and Kenichi.”

“They better. Otherwise, we’d have drove the cart all the way out here for nothing.”

Further down the road, they pulled the cart to a stop. The creature barring their way was huge—even the tallest rabbit in the cart could only hope to be as big as one of his legs. The horses startled at the sight of him, rearing and whinnying and stomping their hooves. The lion didn't look up from where he was collecting his berries.

The buck rabbits looked at each other, then down at the lion. He acknowledged them with nothing but the flick of his ears, his paws too busy gathering to care about the approach of the cart.

“Katsuichi.” The black buck said finally.

The lion regarded him with a flick of his tail.

“You’re on Dogra School land again.” The buck went on, “The head master has warned you countless times. Go, and leave the berries.”

The lion breathed out a grunt as he stood up, his fur ruffling in the chill of his wind. He turned to face the cart of rabbits. The two rabbits kits tucked inside the cart peeked out to see why they had stopped. One of them had the traditional, small and erect ears that were desirable for most samurai, his fur a pure white if not for the single black finger on his right hand. The other kit was smaller, white with eyes like rubies and ears that flowed like silk. He had to push them out of his face so he could actually see what was going on; the ears seemed to have a mind of their own!

The moment the lion’s earthy eyes passed over Usagi’s red ones, the rabbit kit gave a yelp and ducked back down into hiding. The lion gave an amused chuff at the fright of the young, soon-to-be samurai, then looked up at the grown bucks.

“I simply want some berries for my breakfast cake.” The lion said, his voice rumbling like thunder.

“Get them off of your own land.”

“There are no berries on my land.” The lion said, “But here, you have more than enough to share.”

“Not if greedy lions keep hogging them all.” The brown buck growled. “You don’t need berries.”

“Need? No, I suppose not. But does that mean that I can not enjoy them from time to time?”

“Not when they’re stolen from our land.”

“Just put the berries down and leave, Katsuichi.”

The lion looked at the black rabbit, and then at the brown one. Then he picked a berry from out of the basket, twisted it around in his fingers, and popped it into his mouth. The fur of the black rabbit ruffled at the disobedience, eyes flashing, and he reached for the sword on his back. The brown rabbit held his arm out to still his companion, but both rabbits watched the lion with equal hatred in their eyes as he disappeared into the bushes with his basket of berries in hand.

[nothorses]

So I really need some help and you’re probably one of the best trans guy blogs I’ve seen so I’m hoping you can help a brother out. Basically I’m a self hating trans man. I feel really shit about being trans all the time. I know I’m trans because I’m dysphoric as all hell and severely depressed because of it, and thinking about being a woman makes me physically sick and of all the things I “vibe” with, being a guy tends to be it. That being said I literally cannot stop being my own worst enemy. I’m literally stuck on the whole “just because you feel like a guy/want to be one that doesn’t make you trans” line and I hate the standard “well I’m a guy because I say I am” reply because.... well it’s just not convincing? Either to transphobes or myself and it’s a point of contention that makes me anxious beyond belief. That and while I really want to stop I literally cannot stop thinking about myself as being a lesser guy or a woman playing dress up. It’s almost to the point where I’m up and out *reminding myself* that I’ll never be a real man and that no one will ever see me as such despite being in an otherwise positive environment save for my parents. I have some pretty good friends I have a wonderful accepting boyfriend who validates me so why do I just feel so shit all the time? I just can’t stop seeing myself as this annoying bratty girl with short hair and a binder that doesn’t actually hide her chest fumbling with her masculinity and trying to pass herself off as “one of the guys” when the guys are just kinda grossed out and freaked tf out by this... thing I am. I know that my dysphoria and euphoria signal to me that I am a man, but I just can’t see it in myself at all. I feel so inferior to cis men in a way words can’t accurately express and I feel terrible. I literally can’t stand to be in this fragile twinkish body anymore and I will literally beg for T from my endo on my hands and knees if I have to. I’m really sorry for putting all this here and for the long tangent but this is a genuine cry for help and I don’t really know where to go or who to turn to or even what to do all I know is that I want this to stop but not in like a way where I ignore the problem or just delude myself into thinking everything is fine and normal and that I’m perfectly accepted when I know for the broader part I’m really not. Any advice you have on this at all would be really appreciated and again I’m sorry for the length of this ask but I’m really in need of some guidance.

I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. You’re definitely not alone in these feelings, and it can be such an incredibly difficult thing to untangle & heal from. Having self-confidence and trusting yourself to know your own gender can be really, really hard, especially in a society where those things are actively and very intentionally discouraged. And you deserve better.

And honestly, I feel a lot of this. I know all the refrains, and I know a lot of folks that they work for, but “you’re a man because you say you are” is hard for me to fully buy into. I know that it’s true for other people, and I believe them when they say it- it’s just hard for me to trust myself.

I’ve internalized a lot of how society views gender, and it’s not something I can will away; especially when that doubt and transphobia is echoed back by my dysphoria. It’s hard not to see myself as “girl playing dress-up” or “girl mutilating body” or “intruding freak” or whatever else. And it takes a lot of active work on my part to believe, even a little bit, that what I know about myself is real.

It’s good that you know this isn’t how it should be, and that you’re reaching out for help in getting better. That means you can do it! It’ll probably be difficult, but as long as you’re trying to get better, getting better is possible. Even inevitable.

It sounds to me like you might be struggling with self-doubt, self-hate, and internalized transphobia, which means seeking out mental health resources might be a good first step. Professional help is great, and researching some DIY mental health stuff might also be helpful; I’ve found Sanvello and Vent on the google appstore to be good resources for me, but there are a lot of apps and stuff under “mental health” that can can provide a decent starting point.

You don’t need to try to convince yourself of things you know aren’t true: everything is not always “fine”, trans people are not always accepted, and not everyone is going to see you the way you want to be seen. But maybe you can convince yourself that that’s okay?

Things aren’t perfect, and you don’t need to believe they are. In fact, things really suck a lot of the time- and it hurts. Sometimes it feels unbearable. It’s important to let yourself sit with that, when you need to. You maybe just don’t need to sit with it all the time; maybe It’s okay to feel okay sometimes, despite the bad stuff. It’s important to have that balance. It’s important to know that your feelings are real, that they deserve attention and care, and that they’ll pass eventually. You’ll feel okay again.

If you keep looking for the little stuff, it’ll get easier to buy into the bigger stuff. You don’t need to have complete 100% unwavering trust in yourself; I don’t think very many of us do. But it seems like you have a little trust in yourself now, and you can nurture that into more.

Good luck, man, I hope you can get the things you need to heal and grow. You deserve to be able to trust yourself & love who you are.

[nah-she-didnt]

“What the frick frack tickity tic tac snick snac bro?”

I’ve been saying this a lot recently and I’d very much like to see this in one of your fics.

Happy writing!

Hello lady! Thanks for the prompt!! This was fun 

Send me more prompts here

--

The Bet

The bet had started out easily enough.

“I don’t curse that much anyway,” declared Sirius as he shoveled bacon into his mouth with the voracity that only a growing 16-year-old boy can possess.

“Yes you do,” Remus rolled his eyes, “remember the time Flitwick gave you a week’s worth of lines because you said you’d let Bowie, and I quote, ‘fuck me into next week’?”

Sirius smirked. “Yeah. Well. Not my fault he’s a prude, is it?” 

James clapped Sirius on the back. “You, my friend, are a connoisseur of curse words. You work in dirty words the way some artists work in oils or plaster. That’s how I know that I am guaranteed victory in this bet.” 

“What’s the prize?” asked Peter excitedly. He loved watching his friends in competition with one another, even if he often refused to participate himself. 

“Loser has to buy the winner’s ticket to the Puddlemere game over Easter break,” James said easily, “and while we all know I love to treat my friends to a good quidditch game, I’m afraid this time it’s personal.” 

Sirius scoffed at these words. “What, just because I said you could never do it?” 

James slammed his hand down on the table dramatically. “Yes! That’s exactly why. But I’ll show you, you cheeky bastard, that I am perfectly capable of-” 

“Of what?” 

Distracted by his own passionate defense, James failed to notice that Lily had slid into the seat next to his. She looked particularly nice today, her newly-cut bangs framed her distracting green eyes in a way that usually made his heart skip a beat. Today, the sight of her made him want to jump into the Black Lake. 

“Nothing, Evans,” he said dully, forcing himself not to look directly at her, “just guy stuff.” 

Lily arched a perfectly-shaped eyebrow. “Guy stuff? Remus, what is this ‘guy stuff’ he speaks of?”

Remus looked caught. “Um,” he said, glancing hurriedly at James, “James was just saying he’s perfectly capable of kicking this nasty - uh - rash. You know, athlete stuff.” 

James stared at Remus in horror as Peter and Sirius roared with laughter. Lily laughed too, but she was tactful enough to try and hide her glee behind a facade of concern. “Ouch. Well, good luck with that, Potter,” and with that, she gathered up a few pieces of toast in a napkin and was off to class. 

James watched her go, mouth still hanging open. Then he rounded on his former friend. “What the fuck was that Lupin?” he roared. 

Remus tried to hide his mischievous grin. “Relax, mate,” he said as seriously as he could, “think about it. I’ve just helped you win the bet. I’m pretty sure Lily’s going to give you a wide berth for the next few days, giving Sirius ample opportunities to fuck up.” 

The smile disappeared from Sirius’ face. “Cheers, Moony,” he muttered grumpily.  

--

The first few days of the bet were uneventful. None of their fellow Gryffindors seemed to realize that anything was amiss. That is until Sirius accidentally missed the trick-step going down the stairs down from the second-floor corridor. 

“Aw, sh- beans,” Sirius yelled as his leg sank further and further into the step. 

James, who had the foresight to skip the step, started eagerly at Sirius’ near slip-up, but relaxed again when he heard his friend’s replacement curse. Mary, who was walking with the boys, did a double-take. 

“I’m sorry,” she said in a bemused voice, “did you just say ‘beans?’ What are you, a nun? What have you done with Sirius Black?” 

“Can’t curse,” he said through gritted teeth as James helped yank his leg out of the staircase, “Prongs and I have a bet, you see.” 

“Ah,” Mary nodded her head wisely, “so that’s why you’ve been acting weird all week.” She glanced pointedly at James. 

James tried his best to adopt a look of innocence. “How do you know the bet’s with me?”

“Just a hunch,” she smirked, “Lily mentioned that you haven’t spoken to her much this week, wondered if you were mad at her or something.” 

James’ heart sunk. “No! Mary, tell her I’m not mad, I-” 

“Tell her yourself!” Mary grinned wickedly then strode off in the direction of their next class.

--

Sirius’ fake swears got more creative after his near-miss on the trick stairs. 

“Oh sugarloaf,” he whined one night just after they’d settled in at a table in the library, “I forgot my Transfiguration textbook in the dorm.” 

Another time, he realized his Defense essay was two inches short. “Merlin’s big toe!” he yelped, hurriedly trying to cram in a few more sentences before professor Ferguson came around to collect their essays. 

A week later, his exclamations became utterly ridiculous. 

“Oi! Pettigrew! Did you just steal my chocolate frog?” he yelled across the dorm room, “What the frick frack tickity tic tac snick snack, bro?”

Remus snorted. “Excuse me?” he said incredulously, “what was that, again?”

“Oh, bite me,” Sirius huffed, and threw himself onto the bed, “I hate this stupid bet. I can’t express myself!” 

James shot Sirius a dirty look. “Oh, I’m so sorry, do you miss being the most vulgar person in this school? That must be so difficult for you. Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure Evans thinks I’m the world’s biggest prat after all the times I’ve run away from her in the last two weeks.” James vented his frustration by punching his pillow into a more comfortable position before lying back to sulk properly. 

Remus gave him a placating look. “The bet doesn’t stop you from talking to her, James,” he said as if James were a toddler on the brink of a tantrum, “why don’t you just say hello once in a while? That’s nice and safe.” 

James fixed Remus with his most withering stare. The last two weeks had made him grumpy beyond belief. “I can’t even look at her without you lot accusing me of cheating. And there’s no way I’m losing this bet. I’m so close to victory I can almost taste the top box seats.” 

“Fat chance,” said Sirius smugly, as he squeezed the stress ball Remus gifted him to help relieve his reflex to curse. 

--

James’ downfall came in the form of Severus Snape. 

The students were unusually silent at breakfast that morning. The Daily Prophet reported that Melanie Lensard, a Hogwarts graduate, had been murdered in her Lancaster home alongside her muggle-husband. The Aurors reported that they suspected Death Eater involvement. 

James shot a sideways glance towards Lily. She wasn’t eating but instead pushed some scrambled eggs around her plate solemnly. James couldn’t blame her. He had only forced himself to choke down food so that he wouldn’t be dead on his broom for quidditch practice. But, he supposed, he couldn’t possibly know how she felt right now. 

Sirius stared wanly down at his copy of The Prophet. “Today would be a great day for cursing,” he said in a half-hearted attempt at humor. 

Remus patted him on the back. “Go out and scream it into the glen. No one will hear you.” 

Sirius shook his head. “No, I’m a man of my word,” he said pompously, “no cursing until we’re through.” 

“Lily?” 

The oily voice came from somewhere behind James. He whirled around to see Snape standing a few feet away, right behind Lily. He looked nervous, which just made him appear even more sniveling than usual, and he fixed Lily with a desperate stare. 

“I wanted to know if you were… you know… doing okay.” 

Lily did not turn to face him or even meet his gaze. “And why, Snape, wouldn’t I be okay?” 

Snape flushed. “I just know you must have seen the papers.” 

Lily rounded on him, eyes blazing. “Yes, I have seen the papers. I’m sure you lot are thrilled, aren’t you?” 

Snape paled at this. “N-no,” he stammered, taking a step back, “of course I’m-” 

“But that’s just it!” she snapped. James could see her fingers itching toward the want that lay next to her fork, “there is no ‘I’ anymore with you. If you’re with them,” she pointed towards the other sixth-year Slytherins, “then it’s just ‘we.’ I won’t let you try and separate yourself from your nasty little friends. I made excuses for you for years, and I won’t do it anymore!” 

She was yelling now, and students along the Gryffindor and neighboring Hufflepuff tables had started to go quiet. 

“Lily,” said Dorcas, who laid her hand protectively across Lily’s, “leave him. He’s not worth it.” 

Lily laughed a cold, mirthless laugh. “You can say that again. Snape, you’re nothing but a spineless, weak, snot-nosed coward, and you’d best run back to your Death Eater pals before I jinx you so hard you’ll be pissing yourself for a month.”

Snape did not stick around to retort. Instead, he scurried back to his waiting comrades, doing his best to look dignified as he ran from his former friend. 

The table was silent for a moment. Lily was panting slightly. James could feel it building in him. No, he had to suppress it, he had to win the bet, he had to think of the look on Sirius’ face when he declared victory, he had to-

“Bloody hell, Evans!” It was no use. The damn had broken. “That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my goddamn life.” 

Lily looked slightly startled at this declaration. Then, slowly, she grinned. “Glad to hear it, Potter. I aim to please, after all,” she said sarcastically. Then she sat back down to chat with her friends, looking marginally more cheerful than she had before Snape’s arrival.

James smiled softly at her as he watched her come back to life. If he had even the smallest bit to do with her change in mood, he was satisfied. 

That is until he saw the look on Sirius’ face.

“Victory is FUCKING sweet!” Sirius shouted so loud that half the table jumped. 

James put his head in his hands. “Alright, alright, you win.” 

“You’re bloody right I win, you glorious piece of shit,” Sirius leaned across the table to thump James on the back.

“I knew you couldn’t do it,” Peter shook his head as he returned to his breakfast. 

Remus laughed. “I tried to help you, James. But I guess in the end you couldn’t help yourself. It’s your primal instinct to hit on Lily Evans.” 

James sighed into his hands. As far as defeats go, this one wasn’t so bad. At least she was smiling again. 

“Right, I’ve got a lot of time to make up for,” Sirius said as he pulled a bit of parchment from his school bag, “I’ve been taking notes on all the cussing I need to do. To start with, Peter, you’re a two-faced motherfucker for stealing my chocolate frog.”

[ninja-go-to-therapy]

Whumptober 2: In the Hands of the Enemy

Collars

Day 2! I know @grungekitty-77 has been waiting a hell of a long time for this one. Enjoy the Devastation! haha see what I did there

Summary: As if the rest of this experience hasn’t been bad enough, Kai wakes up with a collar around his neck. He is absolutely not standing for this.

Trigger Warnings: kidnapping, stockholm syndrome, pet whump, starvation, dehumanization, creepy/intimate whumper, mention of death, mention of violence, and just like... general uncomfy vibes associated with the aforementioned warnings. If that sounds like it would bother you, please don’t read!

2825 words

Kai woke up with a deep ache in his body. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t felt before — Wu liked to make them train quite intensely, after all — but it still sucked.

But there was something else. Something different.

Though his neck was practically numb from the position he’d slept in, it almost felt like there was something around it.

Kai opened his eyes, blinking away the sleepy blur. He glanced around the room warily. 

Cole was fast asleep on the dog bed, and that enraged Kai most of all. The fact that Cole had been here so long that he’d accepted it as normal. The fact that no matter what Kai said, no matter what he did, Cole refused to listen. It made him want to scream.

But then he remembered that in order to have ended up like this, Cole must have gone through absolute hell. Kai had barely been here a few days, and already he wanted their captor dead.

How long had it taken Cole to break? What had been done to him that he could be shattered like this?

He wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

He pulled at the handcuffs, frustrated. His hands were cuffed behind him now, making it near impossible to do anything. In this instance, making it near impossible to figure out what the fuck was on his neck.

With a huff, he tilted his head to the side to try and get a feel of what was nearly choking him, awkwardly rubbing his bare shoulder against it.

It felt... weird. Almost like...

He glanced back at Cole. At the collar around his neck.

Oh, hell no.

He grunted, trying to bend his arms behind his back in a way that would let him get it off of him. He didn’t care if he broke a goddamn bone, he wasn’t taking this.

“Fucking…” he muttered, dropping his arms back down. It wasn’t working. 

But he wasn’t going to give up. He wasn’t going to let this sicko treat him like this. He was going to save Cole, make him remember, and get them both out.

He wondered briefly if Cole really had forgotten, or if he was just too scared to say that he remembered.

A large part of him wished it was the latter. It would certainly make things easier. It would just be a matter of convincing Cole that Kai would keep him safe, and then running far, far away. 

But with their luck, Cole really had forgotten. He really was convinced that he was worth less than a poorly-treated dog

No, poorly-treated was being too nice.

This was far from that. It wasn’t even on the same level. 

And this had been going on for a year. No wonder Cole had broken. 

But Kai was confident they could get out. Which started with getting this collar off of his neck.

The door swung open quietly. Kai didn’t even bother to act like he wasn’t trying to pry this stupid thing off, regardless of whether or not he choked himself while doing so.

His captor tsked, walking over briskly and kneeling down beside him.

“Silly little stray,” he said, his voice quiet enough not to wake Cole, low and controlling. “You’ll hurt yourself doing that.”

Kai laughed incredulously. “Like that’s not your whole gimmick,” he said, still unable to even reach the collar to begin getting it off. He knew he must have looked ridiculous, but he was pretty sure being half-naked and dirty and locked in a basement already did that for him, so. 

“You think I enjoy hurting you?”

Kai didn’t even bother with a reply for that one. Regardless of whether or not this guy “enjoyed” hurting him didn’t matter. Because, shockingly, both Kai and Cole were being hurt anyway. Intent didn’t matter.

The man sighed. “You’ll get used to your collar,” he said, a dark promise that Kai would rather die than fulfull. “It is just a training collar, after all. You’ll grow out of it.”

A training collar? Oh, he hated that. He was not going to stand for this. He turned the words over in his mind. First Spinjitzu Master, a training collar. What the hell was this son of a bitch on?

“And don’t worry, you’ll be rescued soon enough. You just have to be good until then.”

Rescued? Did this guy expect for his friends to save him? Who in their right mind would do something like this if they knew they’d get caught?

“What the hell are you talking about?” Kai spat, glaring at the guy fiercely.

“Oh my, that was very rude, you know. And we wouldn’t want to wake my perfect, precious little pet, now would we?”

“His name,” Kai glared fiercely, “Is Cole.”

“He hasn’t been that in a very long time, little stray,” he said, looking legitimately repulsed at the idea of Cole being called by his own name. “But we’re talking about you. How you’ll get rescued sooner if you’re good. Some people do love their rescue mutts.”

His captor hummed softly, smiling at him almost innocently. Almost. “I suppose they are more exciting to those that want that kind of thing. Me, I just want a quiet life with my happy little pet.”

And Kai was ready to maul the guy then and there, but then he kept going, and it just kept getting so much worse.

“You’re not what I’d pick, but I’m just training you, so my opinion really doesn’t matter.” 

Wait. Hold on. This guy didn’t mean rescue like the actual sense of the word. He wasn’t planning on Kai or Cole getting saved at all. This was more pet talk!

Oh, that made his blood boil. How dare this man speak to him like this? How dare he think himself to be so superior above them that he was just fine pretending they were pets?

Oh no. ‘Just training him’? He was going to be passed along to someone else! And then what would he do? He wouldn’t be able to save Cole! He didn’t even know where they were! And if whoever he was handed off to was half as crazy as this guy, then who knew if Kai would even be able to get out?

Shit, fuck, this was so bad!

Okay. Okay he had to think. This psycho had said that he’d get “rescued” sooner if he was good. Which meant the only way to buy himself time was to act out.

That, he was more than happy to do.

“You’re absolutely out of your mind if you think I’ll let this happen,” Kai growled, struggling against the stupid handcuffs and the stupid chain. “You’re fucking crazy!”

And yeah, he didn’t look pleased.

His captor sighed, shaking his head like he was really, truly upset about this.

“You’re a slow learner, you know,” he said, in a tone that one would speak to a toddler in. He slapped Kai hard, sending his head turning quickly to the side and practically imitating the feeling of whiplash.

Kai glared at him.

“You’d best be grateful that I don’t have the time to give you a proper punishment right now,” he said, a furious whisper as Cole groaned quietly in his sleep.

“You’d best be grateful I’m chained up so I can’t kick your ass,” Kai spat back.

His captor looked unimpressed. “I was going to let you have dinner tonight, but if this is how you’re going to treat your teacher, then I suppose you’ll have to go without food until you can be good.”

The man stood up, straightening his shirt. “I would make up your mind quickly, if I were you.”

With that, he left the room, the sound of the lock clicking ringing in Kai’s ears.

He sighed, getting as comfortable as the restraints allowed him to. He was going to be stuck here for awhile.

———

The next time Kai woke up, Cole was awake too, and was staring at him. Did he finally recognize him? Was he remembering?

“I like your collar,” he said, quiet.

Kai wasn’t sure whether to be delighted that Cole was actually talking to him, or horrified at what he was saying.

“Don’t—” Kai violently cut himself off. Cole didn’t need to be yelled at. He was probably traumatized beyond belief, and Kai needed to be patient with him, even if what he was saying made him angry.

If their captor was consistent, then poor Cole probably got yelled at enough. 

“Please don’t say that,” he said, forcing himself to sound calm for Cole’s sake. 

“Why not?” Cole asked.

Kai couldn’t believe he actually had to explain this to Cole. How could somebody fall so far? How could he think that something as demeaning and disgusting as a collar was perfectly fine and normal?

“It’s not — I don’t—” Kai sighed in frustration. “It’s not right!”

“Why isn’t it?” Cole asked, innocent. “Is it too tight? Master does that sometimes. He says that even the air we breathe is a gift, and we should be thankful for it. If you’re good, he’ll probably loosen it!”

Kai nearly burst into tears at that. He wanted to shake Cole by the shoulders and scream that that’s not how things should be! But the only thing he could do was sit there and furiously blink away the angry tears gathering behind his eyes.

That fucking bastard, Kai was going to rip his guts out if he tried to lay a hand on Cole again. He wasn’t going to let it happen. He’d gladly get… punished, himself, if it meant Cole wouldn’t be.

“It’s not,” Kai finally said. No matter what he said, Cole wasn’t going to understand. He needed to figure out a way to make him, but he couldn’t do that right now. He needed to gain Cole’s trust. 

It would take time.

“Oh, okay,” Cole said. “Oh, and try not to talk when Master is around. He doesn’t like that. I’m only talking because he said it was okay to talk to you.”

Of course. Of course Cole wouldn’t talk of his own free will. He’d waited for fucking permission to talk when that bastard wasn’t even around!

Kai turned away from him, trying to ignore the viscous growling in his stomach. How long had he been here? How long had it been since he’d last eaten?

Kai could handle going without food. Growing up, he’d always prioritized Nya’s need to eat over his own, he was used to going without meals. He was used to a few days without food, actually.

But he was practically at his limit, by this point. It had been, what? Two days? Three? He’d lost count. He didn’t know how long he slept for. He didn’t know how often their captor came to torment them.

He only knew the horrible pain in his stomach that hadn’t gone away once it had appeared. He only knew that Cole needed to be saved. He only knew that poor Lloyd was probably coping horribly. He was probably having an absolute breakdown.

He wished he could be there to comfort him.

———

Hours passed.

The pain only grew increasingly worse.

Cole occasionally spared glances at him, looking worried.

“Doesn’t he ever feed you?” Kai snapped, his irritation melting at the way Cole flinched.

Cole just nodded silently.

Fuck. He’d scared him back into silence. Kai sighed, shifting jerkily and groaning at the way his stomach grumbled. “I can go a little longer,” he muttered, rubbing his stomach in the hopes that it would help calm the pain. “I’m doing great.”

“No you’re not,” Cole said. “You’re acting mean. Pets shouldn’t be mean. Not even to other pets.”

Kai forced himself to ignore that last part in favor of addressing the more general statement: he was being mean. Cole didn’t deserve that.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I’m just hungry. Can’t you convince him to bring food or something?”

“If Master brings food, I can’t just share,” Cole said, shaking his head like Kai had suggested an atrocity. “Master only wants you to eat if you’re good. You haven’t been good.”

Yeah, no, he was going to do just fine without food. It was all good. He wasn’t going to give up his dignity — again! — just to satiate a little hunger. He was totally fine.

The only sound for the next few minutes was Cole shifting on the dog bed, and the increasingly violent growling of Kai’s stomach.

Until footsteps sounded.

Kai looked up, that stupid door opening to show their captor’s stupid face.

“Last chance for the day, little stray. If you apologize and beg like a good boy, you get to eat. Surely you must be starving. It’s been so long since you’ve eaten. You can’t go that much longer without dying, can you?” He tapped his watch. “Tick, tock.”

Cole’s eyes widened at the “dying” part, and he looked up at their captor frantically, then glanced over to Kai.

Kai just glared at the guy. He was strong. He wouldn’t break again.

Cole mouthed one word. “Please.”

And Kai… couldn’t help but acknowledge the fact that Cole had risked everything for him that first day. He’d spoken out, without permission — which, according to him, was an ultimate sin — just to beg him to stay alive.

Cole had risked so much for Kai.

He couldn’t let himself die. Then, Cole would never get out of here, he would never remember the truth. Kai had to do it.

So, swallowing his pride, his dignity, and every single part of him screaming at him not to do it, he lowered his head.

“I’m sorry for misbehaving,” he muttered, though he couldn’t fully extinguish the fire from his voice. “Please let me eat.”

He glanced up, but his captor didn’t seem satisfied.

Fucking… fine.

“Please let me eat, Sir,” Kai grumbled, drawing back the sarcastic tone he wanted to use as much as he could. It still shone through.

“There’s a good boy!” Their captor said, delighted. “I’ll be right back with some food for you two.”

As he left, Kai slumped back against the wall. He was exhausted. It took a surprising amount of energy to put up with this.

“Thank you,” Cole said.

Kai smiled weakly at him. He was going to get him to remember. He would. And their captor would never see it coming.

Kai let his eyes slip shut as he waited for their captor to come back. After he ate, he could go back to sleep. That sounded nice.

The door opened up again.

“There you go, my darling,” their captor said, probably to Cole.

On the one hand, having his eyes closed made him feel very, very vulnerable. Especially after that whole drowning thing. That had brought back a lot of painful memories. That had just been painful in general, actually.

Okay, there wasn’t another hand. His eyes snapped open. Best not to open that can of worms. He didn’t want to break down in front of this man. He didn’t want to break down in front of Cole, either, but it was better than both of them. Besides, maybe Cole would actually be a little bit sympathetic.

“Eat up, little stray,” his captor hummed, smiling innocently.

Kai stared at the dog bowl. The dog bowl. For fuck’s sake, what had he been expecting? Being treated like a person? No, that would be too easy! That would be too simple, too sane.

He was going to yell, or say something, or flat-out refuse, but… then he wouldn’t get to eat. And then he would be hurt, and then he’d be made to beg all over again if he wanted to so much as survive, and then it would be so much worse.

His captor looked at him expectantly. “Perhaps you’re not hungry after all?” he asked. A warning. He had to make up his mind.

He glared at the man. He couldn’t believe he was fucking doing this.

Cole, on the other hand, seemed to have no problem with it. He was munching away happily on the food — which, thank the first master it was actual human food, not dog food or some shit (he wouldn’t put it past him) — but still. It was demeaning and uncomfortable.

But he was really, really hungry.

He didn’t look at his captor as he took a bite. 

It actually kind of tasted… good.

He could barely restrain himself from shoveling it all down his throat in one go, truth be told. Though, that could have been the starvation talking.

By the time he was done, and their captor was gone, Kai was left alone again (or, as alone as he could be with Cole there).

The realization hit him quite painfully.

He had just been fed out of a dog bowl. And he hadn’t even complained.

[ebottcatacombs]

Paranormaltale Skelebros

Okay! After hours of brainstorming, frustration, and rewriting, I’m finally done with my Paranormaltale skelebros! Some things have changed since I started the artwork for this project, so UT and SF Sans’ portraits aren’t accurate references for this AU.

These boys all live in or around the same spooky, historical town near the woods btw. I’m working on some reader insert one-shots for them. They are also officially on the list of characters you can request!

 ---

Paranormaltale Sans – Known as Celo (pronounced like cello, the instrument.) They say he always sees you, but you can never see him. Sometimes mistaken for the hide-behind. He is the feeling of being watched, the shifting eyes of an old painting, the sense you’re being judged. Some say if you stare at the stars too long they’ll morph into his glowing eyes. He is the leader of the town cryptids.

Paranormaltale Papyrus –Known as Puck. He’s a trickster and an illusionist. It’s easy to find yourself in one of his mazes, but difficult to find your way out of one. Puck loves riddles, puzzles, and mimicking voices to confuse people. He’s not malicious, he just wants playmates. He’s also incredibly clever and can warp reality to an extent just through people’s belief. For example, if he convinces you a doorway is in front of you then, bam! There it is.

Paranormalfell Sans –Known as Mercury. Sometimes he’s mistaken for a gremlin since his presence tends to cause machines to malfunction. However, he can also summon storms, headaches, and that sudden intense urge to punch someone in the face for no reason. He’s a spirit of misfortune. If the metal-filled cracks on his body are anything to go by, he’s experienced a fair share of misfortune himself. Oddly enough, he’s rumored to bring good luck on occasion, but only to those deserving.

Paranormalfell Papyrus –Known as Stein. He’s the gargoyle that guards the library. People swear he changes position. People also swear he’s the cause of all the mysterious history books that aren’t in the library’s system and have no indication to who the author is. Not much is known about him other than those speculations. He has short horns and a tail, as well as wings made of magic membrane. The sun temporarily turns him to stone. He can learn the history of a place/person/object through touch.

Paranormalswap Sans –Known as Wisp. Wisp is… Well, he’s a mothman. Mothskeleton. He has reflective eyelights, smooth glowing membrane wings, and soft antenna. He has been mistaken many times for a UFO or alien. He’s a guide. He can see possible futures and give advice based off his visions, or he can be a physical guide and lead you back on path. He is kind, but very few meet him. He is also deceptively strong and a fast flyer, so don’t be fooled by his adorable appearance.

Paranormalswap Papyrus –Known as Piper. Also a moth, but he often has his wings tucked against his back. He can put people to sleep and give them dreams. He can also cause sleepwalking. People misunderstand who he is often. They call him the Pied Piper, the Bogeyman, the Sandman. Honestly, he just wants to protect the children around his town. If that means spiriting a few kids away to a safer place or plaguing a shitty parent with nightmares then hey, it be like that sometimes.

Paranormalswapfell Sans –Known as Reaper. He chose the nickname for himself. Like the grim reaper, he doesn’t actually choose when someone dies. His job is to make sure dead souls 1) understand that they are dead and 2) make it to the river to the afterlife. Once he gets them to the river Mystery Man helps them onto his boat and takes it from there. Reaper also punishes those who try to cheat death.

Paranormalswapfell Papyrus –Known as Hound. Reaper insisted he go by Hellhound, but that’s not the kind of vibe he wants to give off. Hound usually takes the form of a large dog, and in his skeleton form his jacket has fluffy ears and a tail. He can move through shadows, making him quick. His job is to protect graveyards and other resting sites from those who would disturb the dead. His shapeshifting abilities are top-notch, too, so he sometimes goes for walks through town. If you see a scruffy dude buying out the pastry shop, it’s probably him.

Paranormalhorror Sans –Known as Orion. A great hunter. No one knows much about him, and no one cares to. The most agreed upon rumor is that he goes after hunters who only hunt for sport and trophies. Some come back from trips to the woods bloody and mangled, babbling about a rotten smell and a skeleton with fangs. It’s argued that if he’s close you’ll lose your wits and only be left with the primal fear of a prey animal. Others say you’ll feel a bitter cold. It’s hard to say what the truth is since very few that meet him live to tell about it.

Paranormalhorror Papyrus –Known as Wirry. He has vines and brambles growing around his bones, and when the plants die it’s a whole event to remove them. He usually won’t sit still long enough for Orion to untangle them. He’s a gardener, an herbalist, and a cook. Rumor has it if you dare to approach the abandoned farm where he lives, he’ll make you a delicious meal. As in, he’ll make you into a delicious meal. Of course, that’s just a rumor. He hasn’t eaten human since the famine. He can bring decay to a garden or make it flourish. At sunrise he stands outside and looks over his field, causing many to mistake him for a scarecrow.

[writingquestionsanswered]

Any advice on how I can make an emotional and sad backstory for my characters? I have a hard time coming up with one. I'm terrified it won't make sense for my readers :/

Creating Sad Backstory for Character

First, it's helpful to understand that most stories follow one of three patterns:

Pattern A - Something happens that turns your character's life upside down or sets them off on a new path. For example: aliens from another planet land and try to take over your character's city. This will either be a plot-driven story or a story that is both plot-driven and character-driven. In this kind of story, the event that happens forces your character to pursue a goal in order to resolve the conflict created by the event.

Pattern B - The character does something themselves that turns their life upside down or sets them off on a new path. For example: they quit their job and buy a manor house in England, planning to renovate it and turn it into a hotel. This is almost always going to be a character-driven story, where the character chooses a goal in hopes of solving a problem in their life, and that choice/goal pursuit is what turns their life upside down or sets them off on a new path.

Pattern C - This is a combination of A & B, where you have a little bit of both situations. This is sometimes, but not always, the case with stories that are both character-driven and plot-driven.

Why Backstory Matters in Some Cases

Not all stories require characters to have a notable backstory, although giving your character at least a basic past can make them more three-dimensional. But if your character's past doesn't need to play a role in the actual plot in any way, don't worry if they don't have one.

For everyone else, backstories are important because your character's life experience up to that point informs who they are at the start of the story. Their situation and experiences over the years molded their personality, gave them particular skills and/or knowledge, forged relationships with others, guided their beliefs, and helped to form their understanding of the world around them and how things work. All of those things will together inform how your character moves through the story, what decisions they make, how they respond to events, and how they relate to others.

Now, Consider Your Plot to Find Your Character's Back Story

You'll need to consider what backstory elements are necessary depending on your particular plot, important plot elements, and which pattern your story follows. If your story is about an alien invasion, you'll want to consider your character's resulting goal. What are they trying to achieve and what obstacles will they face in pursuit of that goal? Now, consider what life experience, skills, knowledge, feelings, personality traits, hang ups, etc. will need to play into their tackling of those obstacles. What will be important for relationships with other characters? If you know that your character needs to be very selfless and brave, consider what might have happened to them in their past that turned them into someone who is selfless and brave. If your character's decisions must be guided by mistrust in others, you'll need to consider what happened to them in their past that led to this mistrust.

Creating a Sad Backstory in Particular...

This is the part that's up to you. "Sad" is subjective and only you know what your story is about and what kind of sad events would make sense in the life of your character. As the writer, it's your job to observe the world around you for inspiration. If you need inspiration, try looking at news headlines. Real life events often provide a foundation for creating character backstories.

I hope that helps! Best of luck with your story!

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[brighternite-a]

mamma   mia,   here   i   go   again   !   admin   c   here,   with   my   second   character,   miss   lal   who   looks   like   a   burning   flame   but   feels   ice   cold.   lal   is   a   new   one   and   she   is   already   growing   on   me,   i'm   just   ??   excited   ??   let   me   turn   up   my   narrator   vc,   once   upon   a   time    ...  

★ APP   !

✨ elçin sangu, cis woman, she/her    —    agnes street wouldn’t be the same today if it wasn’t the curtain call. do you know that lal ışık works there as the owner ? they are thirty-eight and they look like the kind of person who has stories to tell ; the kind of stories you have never heard of, whenever i see them, greek tragedy by the wombats starts to play inside my head.  maybe it is the vibe they give off, an invisible wall built around you that keeps you in your own world no matter how hard the outsiders try to collapse it down, pointy toe pumps with stiletto heels worn in an elegant fashion that somehow makes them look easy to wear, an accent that melts within words through an unfamiliar warmth when caught in feelings only explainable in your native tongue  ; you know ?  ( c, 23, gmt + 3, they / them )

★ STORY   !

TRIGGERS AHEAD  : identity crisis.

it begins serenely. you are one of those kids, born with luck. luck though, it is not everlasting. it sometimes is even deceptive. a truth lal had to face. lal means garnet in turkish, but in ottoman poetry it has been used to carry the meaning of lips of a lover or red wine. surely lal is a love child. ' we want the best for you, my child. ' wonder how many times lal had heard these words falling from the lips of her beloved parents as they smiled at her with warmth and compassion. that must be the truest form of love, she would think to herself.

an eccentric kid. one who asks too many questions. one who dares to be different. the striking flame red of strands don’t make it any easier for her to go unnoticed. confidence is built within her, strong at the core of her heart. no, that has nothing to do with the wealth her parents have, it is all about the love they’ve given. lal always knew they’d be by her side even if the world was ending.

but who would’ve thought ? it’s been a delusion, all along. the love she had belief in. -- they reveal the truth when lal comes of age as now they are obligated to give lal her share. the people she knew as her parents all along are not her biological parents. who are these people ? her real parents, are they even alive ? all the questions of sorts, asked while tears stream down her face. it’s part of the deal, they vowed to her parents before taking lal that they were never ever going to let her know about who her real parents are. her parents left her. left her to strangers. and what her real parents left for her ? money, lots of money. no answers, no photographs. no anything. suddenly, she has no roots. how could they accept to be the ones they were not meant to be ? but those people did and took lal as their child. perhaps humans were capable of everything when it was for the money. did they reall love her ? did they ? not like any answer could satisfy lal now. in lal’s eyes, they had been just playing the roles her real parents written for them. a written script, artificial feelings. 

what is my name ? who i am ? is this who i was supposed to be ? questions surface, questions suffocate you. you disintegrate. the person you see when you look in the mirror, it makes you only wonder. do i have my mother’s eyes or is it the flame red of hair what i inherited from her ? what would my name be if they could’ve chosen it ? ---- lal feels the need to rebuild herself as everything that made her who she is turns out to be foul. it almost drives her mad. identity crisis comes to her in its rawest and garbed form. 

she feels foreign to herself. she becomes a foreigner to everything surrounding her. her decision to leave the country comes to her at a night. she is only nineteen when she leaves istanbul. maybe far from her so-called home, it would make sense to feel this alone. she needed to get to know herself, she needed to rewrite her story and make it a real one. her devotion to telling stories of life begins this way, with her devotion to try and tell her own as she realizes she is devoid of a true one. 

education in the top-ranked schools of the united states is nothing her mysterious parents’ inherited money couldn’t buy. so she fills herself in with everything she could about the movie industry. her dream is to tell every story that yearns to be told like hers. and what can be a better tool than the art of cinema ? her career as a director begins, her career that guarantees her a permanent stay in the country. symbolism runs deep in every movie directed by her. she gets compared to david lynch a lot with her work. movies after movies, she has her very own audience. today she is the owner of her own theatre, the curtain call. it is a dream project of hers that came true. there is something she can’t quite pinpoint but love about agnes street, that’s why of all places she chose agnes for her cinema project.  she is still actively working as a director and also as the owner of the curtain call. if you are into movies one way or another, there is a chance you’ve heard her name during one of those award seasons. -- her genuine psyche doesn’t get to shine through the self-built walls around her. you may think she is peculiar and cold and perhaps to a certain extent she might be, but if you treat her patiently, what lies beneath is a gem that waits to be discovered. 

★ CONNECTION   IDEAS   !

her FIRST FRIEND after moving to us. PLEASE I BEG OF YOU. someone who guided her. someone who was probably very friendly that voluntarily helped her. someone that makes her laugh the most, someone that knows the way her laugh sounds. someone who knows she is actually capable of laughing. PLS. 

someone who is a critic of her work. someone who adores her work. someone who thinks her movies are bullshit. just all types of criticism. 

i’m dying to have an opposites attract thing going on for lal maybe, someone whose disposition radiates quite different vibes from her as a lover would be such an interesting for her to handle. i’d love to see it tbqh.