#and trying to fix my sleep LMAO
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Trying to kick my art block by doing the opposite of an easy drawing
#click to enlarge ofc#guess the century! lol.#i try to give them a big mix of styles from different cultures and decades because i feel like they would pick clothes/armour up and#hang on to them for as long as they can. it's also definitely not accurate but i do my best#this was going to be a tiny comic too. i should sleep instead lmao#siggy draws#all the clothes and the weapons.... why do i do this to myself#.......but it's fun and i love it#fighting the self-hate demon by posting this#things i'm going to fix: nicolo's quiver which is not in fact filled with crossbow bolts oops#also the length of those arrows...#yusuf's shoe that's falling off#and many more things
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psst
@wazzappp
✨drippy✨
wanted to try new brushes, Blaming You For The Consequences
#i had a third sketch that Would Not Work For Me so. Schoolyard Bullying my mutuals instead ahjfdksdflh#ghost rider pacific rim au#my art#im pulling an all nighter to try and fix my train-wreck of a sleep schedule and hoo boy so if these look weird thats why lmao#cw body horror
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the fact is that pallas is sososo scared of agnes wanting them to be good and agnes wanting them to be better that they get completely blindsided by the reality of the situation (<- agnes wanting them to do self care)
#pallas: oh nooo she’s gonna find out my Deep Dark Secret she’s gonna try to Change Me and then i’ll have to kill her#agnes: i am begging you to drink water please for the love of god#it’s not like agnes is 100% cool with pallas being a violent murderer it definitely makes her upset on principle#but she very much has an attitude about it that’s like. well there’s nothing i can really DO about that. so.#and like she’s right#ALSO she does very very much like that pallas is extremely dangerous to everyone except her she thinks that’s so fun#but you know what she doesn’t fucking stand for?? their awful sleep schedule. that has to be fixed lmao.#wip: ghost story#pallas and agnes
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Well, this is fun.
Here I'm practicing with Blender, attempting to create my first outfit mod for a video game (fitting one model over another) and oh boy, this is hard.
I have so much more respect for modders and animators now (not that I ever doubted the hard work behind all this, but still).
#personal#this is already my second model attempt after spending hours on another and then realizing i had fucked up and i could no longer fix it x_x#but as frustrating as this has been#and there's still so much that can go wrong and i'm really not looking forward to that *sweating*#i am actually kind of enjoying doing this too. in a really masochistic kind of way i guess#i've wanted to try something like this for a long time already#and i really want to see what i can come up with#(or see how fast i can crash the game. or split this model into thousand of pieces. or transparent. or invisible. anything is possible xD)#it's exciting#it's almost 4am though maybe i should try to get some sleep lmao
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One minute til' midnight (more design-accurate sketches below)
Yeah y'all know the drill by now, this fine specimen from this wonderful story by @patchwork-crow-writes
#i wasn't going to sleep until this was done#i didn't realize it was already two in the morning though good lord#i guess that means I technically missed my goal but oh well#i did it; and compared to how i was faring this time last week...#...that's more than what i can ask for#it's very messy please don't zoom in lmao i beg#it was a nightmare trying to fix the little mistakes my dying hand made earlier this week#so after a certain point i stopped trying haha#this is by no means my best work and has almost none of the stuff i learned last year in it#but the motivation for this was spite and i think just finishing it is good enough for now >:)#yippie#see i wasn't initially planning on drawing any more for this story buuuuuut#i started this on my birthday and had to put it away because of school#and i'd be damned if i didn't finish it before school started again
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aaaah just a quick thing I did for school... its about the book I Must Betray You by Ruta Sepetys
#tw scopophobia#when I say quick I mean i had to stay up to 1am to finish this#sat on my chair for like 3 hours drawing and I have now developed an acne spot on my leg from this lmao#and im gonna do this like 15 more times for the project??? its fun tho#sleep deprivation is so nice#this isnt even my best work. I dont wanna know how sluggish I am when full effort..#when the hell was the last time i even did try#nicolae ceausescu#cristian florescu#i must betray you#tagging this is so weird#might need to fix some things in le drawing uhg#how come i am noticing these mistakes NOW
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I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.
I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.
There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.
That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.
25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.
Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.
It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.
I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like
I dunno
Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.
I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?
All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.
I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.
#i really wanted to believe that if i just sat down and did the math i'd be able to figure it out.#but there is literally not enough time in the day for me to do all this.#i suppose i could sleep less. it's...not great for me to get less than 9 hrs a day#but i could probably pull it off for brief stints#a week on a week off or something#get an extra two hours a day that way#and then of course there's my old go to#i could just stop eating or taking care of myself#lord knows it's my well-being that restri ts my time more than anything else#and if i work myself to death like mom did instead of committing suicide at least the life insurance pays out#in case anyone gives wifey inheritance trouble#i already don't eat until dinner so that part won't give me a TON of extra time#but an hour a day at the end of the night to write does sound lovely so it might be worth it#on the weeks i sleep less i could use my 2 extra hours a day to do ingredient prep so that wifey's food doesn't go to waste as much#maybe even work on the garden and the yard's facilities a bit. i have a few projects that need time and attention so those'd fot in#if i cut my pain meds too i could put an extra $50/week back in my budget and i could use that for project supplies and emergency funds#god even thinking about this is making me so tired.#i don't know what this will leave of me#i've been doing this so long now#feels like the last time i remember having a consistent hour to myself every day was my BA sophomore year#and that was the first time too lmao#i'd spent high school waking up at 3am every day after going to bed at 12am because I needed to do my hw in the mornings#my bus left at 7:30am and i had to do all my paper assignments - make myself lunch for the day - wash dishes/tidy the kitchen - and THEN#i could finally make sure i had my shit together for the bus and maybe nap for 5min#then i didn't get home from school until 4pm and i had to fix the kitchen from whatever my parents did before i got back#then make dinner for the family#then clean the living room from whatever the pets had dome all day#then take the dog for her nightly walk and take a shower#and usually sometime after dinner around 9pm I would get permission to run to my room and try to get a head start on my hw before 11pm#that was my lights out curfew so it gave me a blessed single guaranteed hour to do something for me.....assuming i could stay conscious
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Tech product guides trying to troubleshoot your issues: lol have you tried turning it off and turning it on again 🧐 I'm not going to read any of the things you said you did, if it doesn't work then get fucked. Go to settings and click this option that you said isn't even there anymore
Reddit: here's some actual helpful suggestions on where to find settings that can fix your problem. We're more reliable than google search. Except for when we just tell you to buy new hardware instead of trying to fix your problem
Some obscure tech blog article from 7 years ago: i *google ad* gotchu *google ad* *google ad* *troubleshooter you never knew existed* *google ad* *solution to your problem*
#tell me why i just spent the last four hours troubleshooting issues caused by NOT PLUGGING IN ESSENTIAL CABLES#in my defense i havent worked on the internals of a pc in seven years#but goddamn it was infuriating that the solution to my problems was to plug in a cable three times in a row#it's almost like i didnt have unnecessary cables in there and was keeping the extra one for a reason#but of course the fucking product site wont tell you this#i had to figure out i was missing the goddamn power cable from a youtube video on the bluetooth card installation#and before that i had to plug in a cable that my brother (the person who GAVE ME THIS MOTHERBOARD) said was unnecessary#like HOW did your computer function. mister sir this thing froze on startup without the cpu power supplement cable#extra support my ass#i would love it if msi motherboard installation guides mentioned the bluetooth cable too but noooo#may god help you if you ever have a bluetooth issue because ive had them plenty of times and they are fucking impossible to fix#this is why i quit robotics LMAO#anyways. rant over my pc is built now and the new setup is sooo pretty.#my brother did one thing right with this motherboard and that was installing ram with rgb leds 🥰#rainbow hardware my beloved#my old motherboard had these gorgeous leds and then they just stopped working :c i want more#at least this giant desktop is off my floor now. a tour group apparently was here while i wasn't on monday#(super pissed about that btw. if it happens again i will be tearing the office a new one bc we weren't even notified)#like i kicked that thing plenty just trying to walk around my room. it was right by the door. god wont save you if you break my shit#if someone else kicked that thing while in my apartment when i wasn't here. hoo boy#ok that's enough it's 6am and i finished my cocoa espresso three hours ago. i have two athletic classes today i need to sleep#imaginechats#<- new tag!! i might start rambling more#bc i love never shutting the fuck up 😄#it is a play on imaginecat btw if anyone was wondering. i go by that occasionally as a play on imaginealpha#less formal more cute nickname type thing
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okok i wanted to do more tonight but honestly? i'm impressed i wrote anything with how tired i am lmao. tomorrow!!! i'm comin' for y'all!!!! affectionately, ofc ♡
#we touched on some TraumaTM in my session today so brain's pretty fried#we're gonna try some emdr in an upcoming appointment so. kinda started some prep for that.#not gonna push myself to write more than i have. i'm working on figuring out that balance between avoidance & going way too hard lmao#still trying to fix my sleep schedule so maybe crashing early?? but yeah i'm. i'm love u all sm i hope ur monday was tolerable if not great#♡♡♡♡♡♡ i'll be back to mash all our lil guys our lil blorbos together again tomorrow uvu#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.
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every day i spend on twitter, because that's where most of the starmin are, is a day i wish most of that community would move to tumblr just because the way this site works in comparison would be so much better for it. the ability to tag art and be able to find it later on your own blog no matter how far back it was posted. the way you can add on to each others posts. and also i just like tumblers post format much better. especially for making a vague / simple post and then going into more detail in the tags cuz you don't wanna put all that in the main post but like it's there for anyone that wants to read it. on twitter you gotta put it all in the main body of the post and i. do not want to do that
#and rn it's mostly because i am only on twitter mainly for holostars content#and the vtubing community puts a lot of emphasis on keeping things about the vtuber 's main persona#and their alternate / past persona very separate not only out of respect for the person themselves#but also for the other fans that are JUST there for one or the other (usually it's the vtuber persona)#and there's a few people that are like ''hey by the way ill interact with both accounts so heads up'' and that's fine#but i guess i'm still like ''hmmm do i want to have all this stars fanart retweeted#followed by me vaguing about hiraga planning on streaming and then he doesn't (good because he'd JUST fixed his sleep sched)''#¯\_(ツ)_/¯#all in all it doesn't REALLY matter i can put what i want on my twitter but still i wish it were more like tumblr#or everyone could just move to tumblr please#anyway i WAS gonna go to bed at a descent time for a friday night then lizard man said he was gonna stream#but it's been like 2 hours so i think he probably conked out lmao which is good cuz he needs it i think#anyway every day i mourn for all the cool art i retweet that will be lost to the void in a few weeks because twitter sucks ass#i should go to sleep now in case he does stream in the morning after all. plus tavi's doing a music making menshi at like#8am i should try not to miss that too. fucking time zones TTATT#are you fucking kidding me i made this post and like 5 minutes later he went live bRO
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Me doing baby damage to the final boss asking it to please die cuz i hate this fight already
#remnant 2#update! me and my brother got it first try the next night lmao#sometimes a sleep fixes all#idiotfulloflove#idiotfulloflove gaming adventures#video games#video game
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Having an extremely bad one tonight folks 👍
#like idek what to do at this point#idk what i need or want from anything#but it sure as hell isnt this#idk how to fix it#idk if i even can#i need help but i refuse the rare offers I get#i need more help than a lot of people and I feel i don't deserve any of it#and i freak out when people try so i think the people who care enough have stopped and that also feels bad#im not blaming them it just#im a mess#im a fucking mess and i have to livw with myself and i hate it#fuck!!!!!!!#lmao i need to knock myself out my brain will not let me sleep man
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#oh im so nervous lol#i made the decision that im gonna stay awake until i go to sleep tonight l#to try and fix my sleep schedule#but that means ill be awake for at least 35 hours#and i am doubting my ability to do it a little lmao#i cant imagine what im going to do for the next 12 hours
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i keep thinking about it and i really think the way Junebug finds out Guz likes them (because I'm an overthinking goober) is a drunk confession from him 😭
he probably gets really wasted one evening celebrating some sort of win for team skull and I'm sitting in another room where it's quiet and I'm doing something like reading or drawing, and he comes stumbling in because he misses me even though it's only been like less than an hour since he last saw me, and WAIT this is turning into an actual writing thing okay um uh - (1k words on the dot comin atcha)
Junebug looks up from their berry studies, grinning when they see what a mess Guzma is. "How're you doing there? You look a little rough around the edges," they tease, setting their book aside.
The man's face twists into a sloppy grin and he chuckles. "Nah, nah, nah, m'fine, m'fine. Jus' missed you, wanted to see ya...." He makes his (slightly stumbling) way over to the desk Juno's sitting at, before slumping down to the floor and leaning back against one of the trainer's legs. "Missed ya soooo much, missed seein' your face."
The face in question is now bright red, and Juno twists their head around to shield it from Guzma's gaze. "Sorry if I left too early, I just-"
"Nah, nah, not'n issue. Jus' like seein' your face. Havin' ya around." He leans back and sighs happily. "Makes me feel warm inside."
Face aflame, Juno sits for a moment, lost for words. "Oh, uh, I'm... glad I can... do that for you." He's not implying anything extra. You're just friends. This isn't anything other than a good friendship. Juno repeats this over and over in their head as Guzma settles even more heavily against them, leaning his whole weight against their leg now. Juno pulls themself together, the weight grounding them. "Guz, you're gonna knock us both over if you keep leaning on me like this. Here, let's adjust if you're going to hang out for a bit, okay? If you want to talk that's fine, but otherwise I'm just going to keep working on my studies here."
Guzma groans as he sits up, and Juno moves onto the floor over to the wall behind the desk.
Patting the floor beside them, they say, "Come over here, okay? Just don't crush the leaves in this bag; I'm sketching them out right now."
With another groan, he shuffles himself over to sit against the wall, before grabbing the bag Juno had held up from their lap. "S'bunch'a leaves?" he slurs out.
"Berry plant leaves," clarifies Juno. "I'm drawing them for some notes I have." They point to one of them, brushing against Guzma's hand as they do so, and say, "These one's are from the Oran plant; I brought them from home to compare with any I find here."
With a smile, Guzma grasps Juno's hand with his, carefully setting the bag down so he can bring that hand to trace the outlines of their fingers. Juno feels their face grow hot again, and they look away to the right. "Your hands are so small..." he muses, sounding almost awed.
Juno stays quiet, but turns their head back to look over at him again.
"I like your hands," he says decidedly. "Like 'em a lot." He looks up at them suddenly, a shy grin stretched across his face. "I like you a lot, too, the whole you. Every piece of ya. Nothin' I don't like." He raises a hand to place against their face. "Y'so pretty... 'n' small... like one'a my bugs..."
They can't help but laugh at that, and he laughs too, feeling them shake with mirth under his hand. "Your bugs are pretty?" Juno asks with a disbelieving smile.
"Not prettier than you. You're the prettiest bug around."
Juno laughs again, shaking their head and pulling away from him. "Guz, you're so drunk right now."
Guzma shakes his head, placing a firm but gentle hand on their face to turn it back to his. "Nahhh, I'm - ... well yeah, I'm pretty fuckin' wasted right now, I know that, I know." He laughs before continuing, "But I also know I like ya a lot an' I'm happy I'm finally tellin' ya. You really are the prettiest goddamn bug I ever saw, a little Junebug, and I'm so fuckin' glad I caught ya out in the forest that day or else the best goddamn thing in my life woulda passed me right on by!" He stares at their eyes earnestly, trying to convey just how real this all is for him.
As he talks, Juno's face softens, their eyebrows creasing up. "I'm glad I'm here, yeah," they say, pausing. They look down, opening their mouth to say more, glancing back up at Guzma's face, and then look back down as they shut their mouth again.
"Junebuuug," he says pleadingly. "You're holdin' out on me here, what're y'thinkin'?"
They shake their head, biting at their lip nervously.
He sighs. "Aight, aight, m'not gonna push ya. Lemme just sit here for a bit an' then I'll get outta your hair." He lets go of their face and leans back against the wall with another sigh. "Meant what I said though."
After a couple minutes of silence, interspersed by pencil scratches against paper, Juno finally asks quietly, "Which part?"
Guzma rolls his head around to look at them. "Huh?"
"Which part did you mean?"
He scratches the side of his nose. "Which part did I - oh, oh, wait, I gotcha. Am I really that drunk or did it just take ya forever for you to say anything?" He chuckles, slinging a hand over to shake their knee.
"Sorry, I was jus-"
"Don't worry about it, I'm just fuckin' with ya. You make it too easy!" He turns his body to face them properly and plants a heavy hand on their arm, still obviously drunk. "M'gonna say it again for you, really spell it out, aight?"
Juno bites at the inside of their cheek, looking up at him to meet his eyes, hands fidgeting.
He glances down to see that, and smiles, taking their hands in his. "I like you, Juno. An' I think you're a real goddamn catch. And I want you to stay here as long as you can, maybe forever, but I like ya and I like having you around." He pauses, searching for the right words in his alcohol-addled brain. "An' I'd give up a shit ton if it meant you'd be mine, y'know? I like ya a whole fuckin' lot."
#there was this person in highschool who I liked A Lot and . they liked me too it turned out#and we were both trying to do subtle flirting for OVER A YEAR AND A HALF. and neither of us made a proper move 😭😭#we found out we both liked each other just after they'd gotten a boyfriend so REST IN PEACE I GUESS#so i think.... i definitely would not get the hint fjdmls its gotta be a Solid Brick Thrown At My Head sort of deal for me to know LMAO#otherwise I'll just think I'm projecting fbfjdl#CANNOT BELIEVE I JUST WROTE 1K WORDS ALL OF A SUDDEN DHFJDLDL WTF#its now 12:30 midnight so its time to sleep omfg HELP. how did i just bang out one thousand goddamn words out of nowhere 😭😭#POSTING THIS BEFORE I GET TOO IN MY HEAD ABOUT IT. i did ONE quick read over to make sure it flowed decently and im NOT fixing anything mor#dandy.cmd#💜so good at being in trouble#junebug 🪲#💜a boy and his bug🪲#I'll figure out a tag for writings tomorrow fjfkfl for now GOOD NIGHT FAREWELL djdkdl#dandy.doc
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there's nothing quite like getting a text message at 1 AM that may or may not itself be a scam thing, about potential fraud charges on one of your cards. Fucking. Cool for me.
(I've got a reminder on my calendar to call the bank tomorrow when I'm awake and semi-functional and already checked the online banking for the card in question and can't find the supposed transaction? So I'm assuming the text itself is somehow potentially a scam and if not. I can't fuckin' do anything abt this rn when anyone who could help me is asleep lmao)
#text post#was just finally getting myself settled to try and sleep too#now i can feel the tension in my jaw and forehead and neck and like. not sleeping won't fix whatever this might be#but im certainly not as tired as i was five minutes prior to this lmao
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this precious angel aged up and im sad no
and kai finally got another promotion lmao wo w look at me not having sims max out everything by the time they're elders (or actually playing the same sim till they're elders...)
#ts4#the sims 4#sims 4#sims#the sims#simblr#ts4 simblr#ts4 gameplay#ts4 screenshots#Morino Household#im trying to fix my sleep sched#and this game is the only thing that will keep me awake lmao#morino household gen 2
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