#and trust me i KNOW your shit
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Hey
Going on tumblr because it's queer and I'm queer so...
Also idk why, i feel like i wanna vomit out all my deets to anyone than my diary so get prepared on some JUICY shit I got in store.
Anyways, you can call me 'local town hearer' Idk why but some people choose to put their legal name online (stupid why tf would you do that) and I make too good of decisions to not potentially get hacked or stalked so....I'll just say my age isn't college-age yet.
I'm aromantic neutrois cuz I don't give a shit about romance and gender. Pronouns are he/they/it.
Vietnamese-Peruvian.
I'm not too picky on music (pop and rap suck a lot though) but I do listen to alt music in particular like green day, red chilli hot peppers, gorillaz etc etc...
Here to vent out my frustrations with this shithole of a world while also giving you the deets of my town cuz its kinda crazy. Enjoy.
#starting on tumblr#aromantic#neutrois#queer#ngl i kinda have hope here#yourlocaltownhearer#and trust me i KNOW your shit
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Long distance besties. This definitely happened after the third movie (source: trust me bro)
Based on this
#anyways time to yap in the tags 😋☝️#but first ummmm lemme just tag some shit#how to train your dragon#httyd#httyd hiccup#hiccup haddock#hiccup horrendous haddock iii#toothless#httyd toothless#ok i think that its done#anyways this definitely happaned after the dragons left like just trust me bro 🙏🙏🙏🙏#omfg i wanted to make this with hijack as well cause lol. do you get it. they're long distance LOLOLOL#maybe i will make it who knows. is it weird to make the same art trend with different characters??#OH WAIT FORGOT ANOTHER TAG#hicctooth#is this the duo name for them#or is it called#hictooth#doesnt matter. what matters is that theyre literally the definition of platonic soulmates bro#like wtf i love them#sorry for making them look miserable i didnt meant for them to look lile that 😭😭😭😭#omg with that being said#BROOOOOO I AM NOT GONNA DRAW DRAGONS ANYMORE IM DONEEEEE HOW DO YOU DRAW DRAGONS 😭😭😭😭😭🙏🙏#anyways first attempt do you like it. SAY YES RIGHT NOW#if you read this much till the end you need to kiss me rn muah muah muah#also say i did a good job at making them look like cookies like#say it rn#okie bye byeeeeee#I FORGOT TO ADD HIS BRAID IM GONNA KMSSSSSS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#omg i failed
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Learn from who? Learn from you?
Chen Bowen as CHEN YI & Chiang Tien as AI DI KISEKI: DEAR TO ME (2023)
#kiseki: dear to me#kisekiedit#kdtm#kiseki dear to me#ai di x chen yi#chen yi x ai di#nat chen#chen bowen#louis chiang#chiang tien#jiang dian#userspring#uservid#pdribs#userspicy#userjjessi#*cajedit#*gif#uh huh. mmhm. parallels and shit#OK LIKE. in nice words ai di essentially tells chen yi to go for it BUT bc hes a Lil Shit he says it like 'use force to PROVE how you feel.#followed by '.....OH WAIT YOU CANT BEAT HIM'. the way he rubs that in chen yi's face too like it isnt even 'youre weaker than him.'#it's you're LOWER than him. & thats why ai di calls him a coward bc therell always be a divide between chen yi & cdy that chen yi wont cros#and the point of this is - okay i know chen yi is literally picking ai di up and throwing him around here but also you have to remember#ai di LETS HIM. ai di doesnt fight back as hard as he could and that puts them on EVEN. EQUAL. GROUND. every time.#& yeah theres some comedy to it but you cant Ever forget that ai di wants chen yi to want him. needs it. he's faking sleep in the 1st scene#and once chen yi realizes what he wants he puts everything he has into keeping it - inadvertently taking ai di's advice by doing so -#& expresses it in every kind of way too. whatever it takes. bc between the two of them its not just 'bring him back' it's 'bring him HOME'#in a way thats based on the constantly being witness to the worst of each other & choosing it AND. years and layers of trust & love.#..ok only I would take a gifset of chen yi picking ai di up & make it abt how their relationship is perfectly balanced. but im right so idc#the last one ties it all together in my onion. chen yi got him home. and ai di's deliberately allowing himself to be loved. they won
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Reasons to play In Stars and Time: Canon Pronoun Warfare.
#in stars and time#ISAT#Siffrin#Loop#Context: early on you meet a character who tries to get you to use the royal We pronoun for them and you shut them down. It's great.#The gender swag and non-binary rep in this game is lovely.#I sketched this out when I was in Act 2 - and as of posting this I have not yet finished the game so *please* no spoilers.#It is rare for me to get into something spoiler free and I have been getting my shit rocked by this game in the best way.#Yes I *am* taking another detour to talk about a video game I love again. I will have some fun crossovers. Trust the process.#I will also do my best to pitch this game as spoiler free as possible. Because you *should* play this game:#ISAT is a very lovingly crafted RPG with very fun and emotional writing.#The characters are great and the mysteries you slowly uncover are intriguing!#The way the gameplay ties into the player's own emotional state is nearly always in sync with the protagonist. You *will* feel things.#And it is not afraid to let those things be hard emotions! Do mind the content warnings and know your limits though.#As someone who sucks at video games I also appreciate that it is so generous with your time and keeps things fun.#Not to mention it is honestly underpriced for the amount of content in it. Buy this game. I need to spread the brainworms.
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Promises
He should know better.
Wolfwood has seen Vash make promises, or hear about the ones he has made in the past. He has also seen the end of each one and how every single time the outcome is less than what was promised.
Vash likes to say embellished words, with a soft and determined voice that lures you into his hopes and dreams, it almost feels like a spell, as if he was calling for you to come closer and believe him. But Wolfwood knows better.
He believes in him, but Vash is much closer to being an idealistic dreamer than a realistic person like he is. He might not be aware of it, but his beautiful promises of a better future give people hope, a hope that is usually embraced with things like disappointment and abandonment.
He doesn’t think that Vash does it with the intent of looking for any of those things. Far from it, he might even do the impossible in order to accomplish said promises, but life is too short and humans are too mortal for his wishes, so in the end, most of Vash’s promises end up being empty or they come to haunt him as a reminder of his failed vows. He admires the man, for his perseverance and idealism, but he also hates the man, for his stubbornness and lies.
Wolfwood knows all of this perfectly to a tee. And yet, he has also found himself being drawn to his world. Because he also dreams of it.
A world in where his always present calls for love and peace exist, a world that is far more kind than what he might deserve, a world in where the kids can be happy and roam around without any worry in their heads, a world in where he can peacefully turn grey with age and his hands can shed the harsh callouses of his life. Who knows, maybe a world in where he and Vash can finally know the peace that was taken away from them, in where they can share the calmness that comes with the passage of time, indulging in every tick of the clock welcoming with open arms whatever comes their way without any fear.
It is a beautiful promise. But Wolfwood is a person that has to keep his feet on the ground, indulging in “what ifs” would only make things harder than what they had to be. He can’t have any ifs if he can’t make it through the now. And by the way he is carrying his present, he is doubtful he will even get to see a shed of that promised world that Vash tries to drag him into. So why mourn something he doesn’t even have, or will ever have for that matter.
He hates the way Vash seems to promise things so easily. His tongue silky and pliant, slipping divine words one after the other, promises way too big for what that barren world can actually fit.
But when Vash talks to him in that holy voice of his, when he hears him say “It’s okay, everything will be alright, I promise” so gently right on his ear, while he holds his face so tenderly making him focus on him and nothing else, he wants to believe him.
He has seen the end of his promises. He knows how impossible they are. But for once, he wants to believe it too. Believe in that loving world that will cradle them both until they fall asleep, listening to the soft sound of the wind laughing while the moons smile upon them.
So he allows himself to indulge in the warmth of his palms, leaning into the comfort of his existence, feeling the soft air of Vash’s breaths against his skin while their foreheads meet in a touch that feels like a hot brand that will melt him.
For an instant, he allows himself to be selfish and believe that maybe, that is how living in that world Vash so desperately fights for would be. Soft and warm, making him feel safe in the hollow of Vash’s hands where the world seems to fit so well. A world where the blue sky is a blanket that covers the love and care that is nestled in it like the one in Vash’s eyes. He wants to see that world.
For now, he will selfishly think that the world that fits in Vash’s hands is right there in where he is holding him, where his blue eyes are drowning in the light of the sunset dripping with love and care while looking at him, that the gentle touch of Vash’s thumb wiping his tears is the same as the kiss of that laughing wind in that distant future, where the smile of his eyes overcomes the smile of the moons.
He should know better. But he loves the thought of that world. And he hopes that Vash will get to see that world, because that gentle sight is more fitting for someone like him than the one of his violent world.
He promises to himself that he will do what it takes for that day to be possible. Even if the end of that promise will be empty for Nicholas, he knows it will be a full one for Vash. So it really isn’t that empty for him after all.
He hates his lies, and he hates how true they sound, but Vash’s embellished words are far sweeter than his bitter thoughts so they feel better on his insides, almost like a balm that cares for the wounds of his throbbing, painful reality.
He should know better.
But aren’t humans weak at the promise of love?
#yeah….mm…mhm yeah#my thoughts were going crazy with this one. because WW crying is something that has me week on the knees#WEAK FFS#also the thought of him becoming bare and emotional at the hands of Vash makes me want to jump around until I pass out#think of it. he is afraid of him in a way. but he trusts him so deeply too it’s such a contrasting and little contradictory thing#more like. denial after denial but yk what I mean. because that’s the whole post#also as a fun fact. while on the making of this thing the line of “it’s okay. everything will be alright. I promise#it’s meant to be said by Vash to WW#but also I did it considering that a)Vash is saying it to himself as well and b)it’s something WW wants to say to Vash as well#they are both incredibly pained men and they know it but don’t adress it. so verbally saying such words to each other issssUUUEHWHAGAH#ah yes. the intimacy of being emotionally vulnerable with the person who you would trust your life to but never openly say shit to eachother#isn’t that such an amazing flavor? I won’t lie to you it’s one of my favorites#trigun#vashwood#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun stampede#trigun fanart#wolfwood#nicholas trigun#nicholas the punisher#lenssi writes#lenssi draws#trigun 2023#trigun 98#because I did a mishmash on WW design bc this is meant to be TriStamp time skip in my mind#his eyes were originally their canon steel blue/grayish tone. but while doing the lighting the brown looked gorgeous#i couldn’t help myself so I left it that way. because there is something so beautiful abt his eyes shining like that in#the afternoon light while he becomes undone under the sunset ya feel me?#OHFUCKIALMOSTFORGOT another little detail. Vash’s right hand doesn’t have a glove and it’s on purpose btw you’re welcome
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Maybe its just me but I think its really fucked up that the only way teachers can "help" a child is with cps and the fucking police. I think its really fucked up that they're constantly talking about "tell a trusted adult" when sometimes you just don't fucking have one. Because all of them were bad options. I think its fucked up that my, and many many many children's only fucking options have been tell someone and put everything in danger or do nothing and continue on in silence. I think its fucked up that even without saying it I had to start understanding that no matter how kinda a teacher, or counselor, or school staff member was to me at times, that they would never put me over them being held liable or their job. I would never be that important. They get to pat themselves on the back while I get put in handcuffs and put treated like an example of what not to do as if im not even there. I think its really fucked up that at a certain point it will never matter how nice a teacher is, no matter how many "I know it sucks...." or "I'm sorry but it's my job..."s or "I don't want to have to do this..."s you get, because its always the same fucking thing. Your a liability, and no adult is going to risk their job with a child that they could easily just hand to someone else more 'qualified' to handle.
#how do i tag this#kinda a vent#Kinda a rant about the system in general#all cops are bastards#fuck cops#Teachers can be fucking assholes#education system#Cps is also shit#Fuck psychiatry too#I know they're important but like#Mandated reporters can be fucking assholes#'Tell a trusted adult'#Ok then give me an adult to trust bitch#Give the a child someone they can actually fucking trust#God people are assholes to kids#youth liberation#Oh yeah this also has to do with child abuse#And neglect#And being mentally ill as a child#Like the moment your situation crosses the threshold into abuse then you actually have zero trusted adults#And no matter how nice they are you have to train yourself to never talk to them#Because then everything goes bad#Because in the end your nothing more than a liability.
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Honestly I see Jimmy's refusal to put Curly out of his misery less about his weird feelings of envy or his delusions but the fact Curly is all but stated to be a shield to Jimmy from his actions and people seeing the worst in him.
The only characters that Jimmy really interacts with one on one before the crash are Curly and Anya, two individuals he has wildly different relationships with. It's likely that Curly really did most of the talking between them as the pilots and the rest of the crew as staff. They didn't know of Jimmy's more reprehensible behaviors cause they never really had the chance to and Jimmy is subconsciously aware. If they had disliked him more than Anya would have told Swansea earlier or even Daisuke when things got really bad.
It's why he takes the immediate opportunity to blame Curly; He's the shield. He's saved Jimmy's ass more times than he can count and more times than Jimmy would ever admit. Even when he can't really do it anymore, he mentally shields himself from his own faults by putting Curly between them. Letting Curly die puts too much on him because he doesn't know how to function without a safety net.
In the end Curly only lives because Jimmy needs the idea that Curly will inevitably make things better to stay alive, meaning Curly has to live, no matter how much it pains him to do so.
#in short Jimmy doesnt only care about Curly#he only cares about the securtiy that Curly provides him#and i headcanon that the reason he tried to kill everyone is because he knew it was only a matter of time befor Curly realized this wasnt#somethgin benign Jimmy did that he could smooth over but somethign that Curly would repremand and condem him for and take his security away#like yes Curly did not react fast enough or strongly enough to what Anya told him but you could see him showing more concern over it as I d#understand the psychology behind people and more specifically men like Curly as he is hearing something horrible his friend did to someone#he cares about but has less of a bond with. he feels the need to protect his crew as people first and sadly Jimmy is still the person he wa#closest too yet I still think everything happened too fast for Curly to process as would you not grapple with the fact your closest friend#is a monster you must personally deal with? or that he did something so vile to someone else you have become protective over? Would you not#think of the relative power that friend holds and how if you approuch this wrong it could end badly for everyone? He had all these thoughts#but not enough time to think about them. Also how Jimmy was one of the main people in his personal life he felt a need to protect seeing as#he got him this job. Like imagine the one person you are really trying to make good is still bad after everythign and now you have to be th#hand of judgment youve shielded them from for so long like I do not think Curly handeled the initial situation with Anya correctly I dont#think it was the case of him not believing but not really knowing what to do and feel about it as a friend of both parties the captain and#guy going through his own shit and it says so much that he was dealing with all that so well compared to Jimmy who got everyone killed cuz#he thought being captain would be like sitting on the thrown and not emotionally mentally and physically taxing like I cant say Curly is th#best person due to his inaction but he is a good person doing the best with the knowledge and shitty resources he has cuz like also Id just#be terrified that my suicidal and nilihst bestie who clearly has an inferiority complex around me is the copilot who has access to the most#to the most important parts of the ship and the means to kill us all if he feels like him or his security are being threatened like#Anya and Curly just deserved better because they get put through the ringer like just put him in a class to teach him to be less trusting#anya mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#captain curly#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#mouthwashing curly#mouthwashing anya#mouthwashing jimmy#jimmy mouthwashing#mouthwashing spoilers
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About a decade ago I posted a very amateurish attempt at a very tricky needlework style to a Facebook group and one person said something shitty about how bad it was. I don't remember the words but I remember how pathetic it made me feel, and I didn't touch that type of embroidery again.
It took until two days ago for something sufficiently cool to bolster me enough to try even an adjacent kind of needlework. It was much less amateurish, not because I improved (I haven't TRIED in ten fucking years) but because I have enough money to own better materials than I did when I was in my early twenties.
Not that it would have mattered if I was indeed just shit at it. Don't be an asshole to people who are trying out your craft, even if they are really bad at it. They won't get any better because you were an asshole. They'll just stop trying. And you won't remember ten years later that it even happened, but your craft will have one less person in it than it might have.
#do not whatabout me about moral harm vs being shit at something#i trust your reading comprehension enough to know the difference#crafting#cross stitch#needlework#embroidery
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I reiterate that if you're going to ask people for donations, you will come across as extremely suspicious if you spam their inbox. People are likely to report and/or block you, thinking you're a bot. If you need donations, I do not recommend going about like this. I really, REALLY do not recommend it.
#blog post#not helpol#i am tired of the spam y'all#literally every single day since I've opened my ask box back up#i have gotten a SHIT TON of random people asking me for donations#which is somewhat silly considering i was literally just running my own donations#so no I'm sorry but i won't be answering asks about donations#i don't think it's ok to that personally; it feels really invasive and is extremely suspicious#because you know who else comes into your inbox asking you for money? bots. bots do that exact thing.#it's extremely difficult to know who to trust especially when gofundme isn't supported in gaza#nor is paypal actually#they ciuld just be using a VPN but i don't know enough about VPN to comment on that confidently#but i feel it's important that people are sceptical honestly#because there are assholes who will scam you and take advantage of your kindness for others#don't buy into a potential scam especially at a time where supporting oneself is often already a challenge
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i just think if roles were reversed and buck was the one saying those gay ass lines to eddie, eddie wouldve proposed like four seasons ago
#like if buck had a kid and he said to eddie “theres no one in this world i trust with my kid more than you” eddie wouldve given him head#if buck had written him into his will and said “because eddie (cuz im sorry but buck loves eddies name too much to not use it)#you act like youre expendable but youre wrong“ eddie wouldve been like on his knees begging for buck to move in already#or if eddie did something reckless and after told buck he had to do it and buck just looked at him fondly and said “i know you did”#eddie wouldve dragged his ass to the nearest jewelry store to get them matching rings#or if someone off handedly mentioned how long he was dead/underground/uhhh bleeding out from his gunshot wound#and buck corrected them and said “um no actually it was 3 minutes and 17 before we got to the hospital” eddie wouldve done unspeakable#things to him in the bathroom of that underground poker club#or if eddie came out to buck and buck gave him a similar supportive little talk and said “this doesnt change a thing between us”#eddie wouldve been like “uh no actually it does get in the fucking car rn” and driven them to the courthouse so they could get married#basically#eddie says the gayest shit to buck all the time but buck just hears it as Normal Bro Things because hes never had a normal friend before so#he had nothing to really compare it to#but if buck were to say this kinda gay shit to eddie#eddie would immediately be like oh youre in love with me because eddie is a romantic and knows declarations of love when he hears them#however#buck communicates his feelings with flirting but eddie is fucking stupid and has no game and no rizz and doesnt realize hes flirting#eddie communicates his feelings with grand declarations of love but buck is fucking stupid and doesnt realize people actually care about hi#they need to flip communication styles and then theyll realize#buddie#evan buckley#eddie diaz#get him out of there#let eddie free so he can finally have game#omg no or if eddie had done something that kinda pissed buck off and buck just looked at him after eddie apologized and said “ofc i forgive#you“ well there wouldve been something freaky going on in the firehouse closets that halloween
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Thinking about how when Gillion wakes up from his first Rakshasa-induced nightmare and is so, so shaken, how Chip instantly 1) gets it because he's been through it and 2) realizes Gill probably won't be able to put it into words and wouldn't want to anyway, and so 3) he immediately offers the bracelet to Gill so that Gill can show him.
Like that last point, let's just look at that for a second. The last time, those bracelets didn't work out too well! Gill found out about the call with Edyn and that Chip had been keeping it from him. It did not end well for Chip at all.
But he offers them again. A show of trust and repentance. But also an offer to share the burden of the nightmares and the curse. It's a way to show Gill that he doesn't have to carry the pain alone. Show me. Let me carry some of the weight with you. Let me into literally the most private place you have -- your own mind -- and let me see what hurts you the most.
And Gill does! He trusts Chip with that! He let's him! Gill, who carries the world on his shoulders opens up and allows Chip in to help him carry this.
The emotional vulnerability and the support!!!!
#I'm so weak for this#i don't know if it's because I'm ace or what but Gill letting Chip see the nightmare legitimately took my breath away#because that to me feels so unbelievably intimate#like married couples have sex that is less intimate than that to me#which again i might just feel that way because I'm ace but holy shit#let me see the thing that makes you feel the weakest#let me see your biggest vulnerability#the thing that hurts you the most#trust me with that knowledge and let me help you carry the burden of it#jfc end me#jrwi riptide#jrwi fnc
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For the Spirits—
Chapter VIII: Make You Stay
And I'd do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
Tell me what you want me to say
—No Light, No Light by Florence + The Machine
.
Ming had experienced so many different, wonderful things. She had lived, truly lived, and allowed herself to dream of things that had been impossible back in the Academy. Endless possibilities now seemed to lay gently in the palm of her hand. But she would give it all away to vanish the shiver that tore its way down her spine at Yoi’s words. The Prince has genuinely gone mad. He—didn't you hear?—he insists on going on this mysterious quest on his own.
#zutara#atla#avatar the last airbender#zuko#katara#prince zuko#zutara au#new gods au#spirit touched zuko#atla fic#atla fanfic#atla oc#atla zuko#zuko fanfic#atla au#zutara fic#zutara fanfiction#for the spirits#Chapter VIII: Make You Stay#AKA the It's Time For Zuko To Be A Little Shit chapter#Alternatively the Ming Is About To Commit Regicide chapter#Who can blame her though?#Okay guys please don't kill me#I KNOW I'm stretching this out too much and the pacing isn't really...everyone's cup of tea. But I need you all to trust me.#These scenes are necessary. Fleshing out these characters (even if you don't care about the OCs and just want to jump to ZK—which I get)...#...is also necessary for the story. The multiple povs and the introspection and the ambiguity—everything is there because it needs to be#The intensity will be amped up in the next chapter. You are NOT ready. Believe me.#For those who stick around and spend their free time reading through this muddled story: thank you.#You hold my heart and soul in your hands.#Just...thank you
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My cat always scratches at doors at random times in the night. Usually around 2, 4, and 6am. That's because this little bitch doesn't have a regular sleeping pattern and takes power naps, and gets a little concerned when she wakes up at night and everyone else is just. Not there??? We're not walking around, we're not talking, we're in our rooms alone and we're sleeping??? My cat cannot comprehend it.
And you know who else takes power naps instead of sleeping at night? You know who I snatched that headcanon from? (Pretty sure it was Dark)
Dust.
Dust literally saves everyone from Killer's cats scratching at doors and waking them up in the middle of the night. His sleeping patterns coincidentally matched up with the cats. So when a cat is wandering around, it would usually just scratch into Dust's room and calm down. Bonus if Dust and Killer actually share a room, and when they go to sleep all the cats are with Killer and when they wake up they're all with Dust. (Upsets Killer to no end.)
Okay, from here cw/tw? for schizophrenia and a semi-detailed hallucination episode
With my headcanon that Dust has schizophrenia, this would be an absolute nightmare for him.
A symptom of schizophrenia is hearing voices and sounds that aren't there. His main hallucination would be Phantom, and I've read that the voices schizophrenic people hear are usually far away. Like they are literally in the walls/srs.
Now imagine Dust hallucinating Phantom, while also hearing cats scratch at his door. Do you know how badly it would fuck with him. He would hear a voice from the wall, and assume that someone is trying to crawl into his room and scratch open the walls. So he just sits on his bed and hyperventilates. Bonus if the episode would involve physical hallucinations, with hands roaming on his face, head, shoulders, neck. And then with the sound of the scratching his brain would automatically make him feel nails scraping at his arms and legs.
#ceask rambles#utmv#undertale#undertale au#killer sans#dust sans#phantom papyrus#schizophrenia#cats#holy fuck I went dark for a moment#it was supposed to be a fluffy headcanon that Dust just attracts the cats with his sleeping schedule#how did this#what#okay I guess#I literally know about schizophrenia because me and my friends made a high school au#and I added Dust having schizophrenia#because its generally a big misconception/headcanon in the russian utmv community#i got it from there#and I made a ton of research to make Dust's teenage schizophrenia as accurate as possible#I even have a document with things I pasted from a pretty much trusted website#there was this interview with a schizophrenic woman and she was talking about an episode of hers she had#she thought her arm was gone#was pretty interesting to read abour#shes also the one who mentioned voices being in the walls rather than in your head or next to you#shit is crazy#sighs I should rewrite Cross from my hsau hes low key shit and just pining over Killer#anyway
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it’s 5:20am i cannot sleep i am consumed with thoughts and yearning for keigo takami i need to be euthanized
#literally these days all i do is Lay Awake and Wither Away#the nightmares have been exponentially worse lately#fun fact ur local fanfic author has Problems.#idk man there’s just something haunting about having reoccurring nightmares about your ex and every time u close ur eyes it’s throwing u#right back into the pit of hell that was that relationship#it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine i just no Longer Trust People#anyways this is a vent post and it is so cringe and lame#i just have never Hated an ex before so there’s a lot i’m coming to terms with especially considering how Fake he is#idek man IDEK!!!!!1!!1!1!#i rlly sacrificed so much to love and live with him and he said ‘mmmmmm now i have u in my grip’#whatever it’s fine he’s stinky and honestly the fact honey (the blog intern and my cat) doesn’t miss him AT ALL says so much#seriously she is so nonplussed by his absence it’s wild#eating fine sleeping fine shitting fine#SAYS A LOT. SAAAAYS A LOT. whatever whatever whatever#i would hit that emotionally immature man with my car if given the chance and yknow what. nick if ur reading this you’re one of the#most.#emotionally immature people ive ever had the misfortune of knowing.#what a shame you lost me#the best thing and healthiest thing that ever happened to you#because of your own actions and your own inability to take accountability for your mental health and actions#tell your mom i say hi#and tell your exes im sorry i ever doubted any of them x_x#WEEEEE what a vent#listen to big sister birbs when she says don’t date men who have something horrific to say about each of their exes
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i gobbled and devoured the post imposter things. scrumptious!! but what if poor little xiao man feels guilty for hunting or scarring us in the hunt? and please don’t feel obligated to answer, i know you’re busy
burden to bear
word count: 2.7k
-> warnings: spoilers for liyue archon quest, canon typical violence…. minor body horror? blood mention.
-> gn reader (you/yours)
taglist: @samarill || @thenyxsky || @valeriele3 || @shizunxie || @boba-is-a-soup || @yum1x || @esthelily || @turningfrogsgay
< masterlist >
during the hunt itself, xiao is driven by a need to prove himself, pushing past his instinct and the way his karma flares around the one on the throne. he sees it as a way to redeem himself, to finally scrape some of the sin off his hands. it’s a way to prove himself, and one he takes eagerly.
it’s not correct to say he’s blinded by faith, but it’s not exactly wrong either. he definitely feels, subconsciously, that something’s… off, maybe, about his god. perhaps it’s the way his vision always seems to flutter and flare, or the ice in his veins when the command to hunt is given. he feels uneasy, unsettled, finding himself rolling his shoulders and wondering if he needed to add more stretches into his routines. and yet, despite the tension in his shoulders and the twist in his stomach, he kneels, bowing his head with a swear of fealty that goes unanswered.
unacknowledged.
perhaps he had delivered it wrong?
he doesn’t think much of it, quickly dissolving from the throne room and appearing besides the statue of the seven on the west edge of liyue. looking out over jueyun karst, he knows it’s a bit fruitless to start his search there due to the vicinity to the other adepti, but the spires there are tall, filled with wiry bushes and crags of rock that are easier to hide in than may seem at first glance.
he draws his pole arm, spinning it once over his hand before tapping the end to the stone beneath him. he’s not sure why he’s so nervous—is it the fact that this is technically the first order he’s been given? is it the idea of slaughtering somebody so identical to his creator that it nearly fooled morax, who’s been alive longer than he could fathom?
or is it simply the prospect of failure?
xiao grits his teeth and steps off the edge of the floating stone, halting his fall with anemo at nearly the last possible moment.
his feelings meant nothing. orders were given, and he had to follow them.
why else was he there, if he couldn’t?
it takes him longer than he expected to find you. he’s almost impressed, really, that you managed to evade his searching eyes, that you dodged not only him but the other adepti as well, all without taking refuge in any villages or otherwise civilized areas due to the orders the millelith put out. you hid well, he could attest to that, and though he was the one to find you, it was only on accident.
he was clearing out a group of hilichurls north of the inn. he was surprised so many had settled so close to the statue of the seven, as hilichurls usually avoided concentrated elemental energy, but didn’t think too hard about it. he simply unhooked his mask from his belt, noticing the difference in strength between these hilichurls and the average, and teleported into the middle of the camp.
the first thing he heard was a spotter’s cry. the second was the mitachurls’—archons, there were three—roar as they hefted their weapons. the final one was the intricate chanting of the abyss, but not any incantation he recognized.
he kept himself half in smoke as he danced around the edge of the camp, taking out the archers while he tried to find the abyss mage. he could catch glimpses of hydro bubbles through the walls of the hut, but the steps were covered in frost-
he barely ducked under the swing of a mitachurl’s axe, slashing his spear along its side as he slipped away, darting across the path of one charging with a large stone shield. it clipped his shoulder despite his efforts, pain spiking down his arm, but he didn’t pay attention to the injurh. normally he wouldn’t be this distracted, but two abyss mages and three mitachurls in one camp could only spell bad news. the best he could likely do was to leave and grab back-up, but who? the millelith were busy, morax and the adepti were on their own search…
xiao quickly climbed onto the roof of the hut, jamming his spear between two of the logs to keep grip on the woven roofing. the grass was damp, squishing uber this feet, likely from whatever hydro magic the mage was busy with within it. it likely wasn’t the smartest idea to stand on the roof, but this area of liyue was mostly plains, with little cover from the charging mitachurls. he needed a moment, if only a short one, to hash out a plan to deal with the camp.
the three mitachurls were standing besides the hut, two with shields and one with a crackling axe, electro dancing along the blade. xiao shifted, pivoting around the peak of the hut to move away from that one, the grass roof squishing below his feet.
the mitachurl’s ear twitched.
he shoved himself off the roof just as the mitachurl slammed the flat of its blade onto the roof, the whole shack shaking. electricity swarmed across the waterlogged roofing, reaching the opposite edge just as xiao dropped off it, landing between the other two mitachurls. they didn’t charge, nor attack, their motivations only made clear when the hiss of cryo froze out the lingering moisture in the air in front of him, effectively boxing him in.
the abyss mage swayed in its circle, staff glowing a sharp blue from within its bubble of frost.
“leave, adeptus,” it hissed, waving its staff in a circle. “you have no place here.”
xiao didn’t reply, instead picking apart his options. he couldn’t do significant damage to the shield mitachurls without utilizing his burst to destroy their shields, but that didn’t cover the mage at all… and he was still wet from the roof, so the mage would be able to freeze him within the time he had drawn in enough anemo energy to wield his mask with any level of efficiency…
he flexed his hand around his polearm. how had he gotten into this situation? his only options were to get lucky or teleport away, but even the latter of those relied on the first.
luck. how useless was he, to rely on luck-?
“‘adeptus’?”
the abyss mage startled at the voice, the cryo it had been swirling dissipating. both he and it turned to the side, to the entrance to the hut, where a figure could be seen just beyond the mitachurl.
his first instinct was that it was his god, and he briefly relaxed under the knowledge that he’d get out of this in mostly one piece.
his second was to recognize the torn clothing and dirt-smeared skin, and realize that you could never be his god.
xiao’s eyes narrowed, his spear twisting towards you faster than the distracted mage could react. you, his target, the one he had been seeking out, were hiding behind the abyss. he should have expected it, in truth, figured out the one known for going against the rules of nature would side with the most unnatural force, but that was not for now.
not now, when he was launched forward by the power of anemo, his spear driving him forward, barely skimming the mitachurl in favor of his true target: you.
your eyes barely had the chance to dart in his direction.
xiao was, in truth, not the first one to see you.
many villagers had glimpsed you running around the outskirts of their villages, plucking apples and sunsettias off trees and taking mint from their gardens and leaving bundles of sweet flowers behind instead. they’d seen you, face half-covered in a poor mask made of scraps, your clothes that of the haphazard stitches of the hilichurls, which helped you blend into teyvat a bit more at the price of comfort. many had seen you and assumed you were a run of the mill thief, perhaps one taking advantage of the current hunt since the millelith were occupied. they wryly called you clever, warning the traveling merchants about you, the one they glimpsed at inane hours of night.
he wasn’t the first to see you, by far. he was, however, the first to recognize you.
he was the first to lay eyes upon your form and realize the truth, to realize that the blood seeping into your clothes was the color of stars and galaxies, to recognize that your heart beat blue.
the argument could be made that the hilichurls were the first, or perhaps the mages that had taken you in and brought you food, but it was not them that gathered you into their arms and whisked you away in a flash of teal, uncaring of the spike of cryo that drove into their side at the last minute. the hilichurls did not walk with frosted-over limbs, the abyss did not cry with a throat full of ice, calling for assistance in undoing their own crime.
xiao couldn’t decide whether it was lucky or not that baizhu was in the pharmacy, speaking with herbalist gui over the front desk. on one hand, it was best to have the most experienced healer in liyue at your side, but on the other..
“adeptus xiao, what is-…..”
confusion, then anger, then realization, all flashing over his face in an instant before he tilted his head and walked quickly to a back room, xiao following.
he busied himself with picking the ice off his body and clothes, ignoring the shake of his hands and the stench of blood in the room. the mage had pulled you from the point of his spear, but he still hit the side of your stomach, and he could tell it was messy.
knocks sounded at the door but baizhu turned them away sharply, only allowing qiqi to pass him a bowl of lotus seeds. he was focused, changsheng slithering off his shoulders to grab supplies as needed. time seemed to slow to a crawl, like xiao had entered a domain without an exit, filled with the iron smell of blood and the never ending chips of ice he peeled from his skin. it left behind stinging wounds and red marks, but he couldn’t find it in him to care.
what was his brief moment of injury compared to a scar upon his god?
the moment that baizhu had stopped, all but collapsing into a chair and wiping off his hands with a tired call of ‘it’s done. the foundation will be okay.’ xiao had stood and left, biting his tongue through the protests of both his own body and the doctor.
he’d given changsheng his confession, but he did not wish to stick around and hear his verdict.
weeks later, morax came and visited him at the inn, carrying with him a plate of almond tofu and an apology. xiao leaned against the furthest edge of the balcony, curled around the plate, staying as far as he could from the one with your aura imprinted upon him.
he felt it, when zhongli had first come up the stairs. the shock, then the warmth, the all-encompassing comfort that soothed the pain from the bruising on his shoulder. he felt it, and knew that he did not deserve it.
“it’s not your fault,” zhongli insisted, baritone words colored with unreturned sympathy. “the fake… had fooled us all. even me. i cannot hold your actions against you when i myself would have done the same.”
and maybe that was true. maybe he would have drawn his own weapon, pierced your skin himself, acting on the orders of one who dared to take the place of the divine, but that was irrelevant.
xiao was the one who had hurt you. and it was entirely his fault.
almond tofu, his favorite dish, tasted bitter and sour on his tongue, almost akin to the pain medication that zhongli had made him drink after noticing how cautious he was with his injured arm. he’d made him take the first dose in front of him and swear to take the rest, with a long monologue about taking care of himself tacked on afterwards, but it was for nothing. aside from the first night he had it, xiao hadn’t touched the bottle. it sat on his nightstand, beside a bed he hardly used, taunting him when he returned earlier than usual.
he could take it. there was nothing stopping him from doing so, and he probably should if he wanted to return to his duties quicker. but every time he picked up the glass, thumb tracing over the engravings as he undid the top, he hesitated.
he could take it. he probably should. but did he deserve to?
you were still recovering, possibly still bedridden weeks later. your blood still stained his spear, dripping down to his palms, pale and scarred skin marked further with the blue and purple swirls of his sin. you were still in pain, still healing from a spear to your side, and he was here, reaching for medicine for a sore shoulder?
(it was worse than that. bone had knocked against bone, bruising beneath where muscle could reach. it ached even when he sat as still as possible, dragging him out of every attempt to meditate. the dark purple splotches stretched beyond his clothing, reaching across his back and up his neck, making nearly any action flare the wound. it was far beyond an over-exerted muscle or a particularly tiring day, and yet even the worst nights of his pain were staved off by the memory of having to wash blue off his blade. even as the latch on the bottle was undone, the lip pressed to his, he could never bring himself to drink it)
(even the small droplet of it on the rim, tasting of qingxin extract and violet grass, threatened to make him sick. how dare he?)
yes, it would likely only get him into more trouble were he found out, but he was careful not to be. whenever the wind brought him the heavy presence of geo, zhongli’s familiar footsteps climbing the stairs, he snatched the bottle and emptied it into the stone carving on the balcony, letting the medicine soak into the soil beneath it. it splashed when he was sloppy, the deep purple medicine appearing blue on the stone, sparking a memory that weighed harder on the pit in his stomach.
even as he handed the bottle over to zhongli, his jaw clenched from the strain on his shoulder. the action was stiff, jerky, but evidently smooth enough that it had passed his assessment.
zhongli tucked the bottle away, surprisingly not drawing out a new one.
“i am proud of you, and of the progress you have made,” he said, golden eyes softening in the light of dusk. “well done, xiao.”
how strange, he thought, watching him leave, that the very action that made his vision swim with unshed tears was one that was praised.
he wouldn’t complain, of course. he never would. this pain was his to bear, just as the burden of your bloodshed was his to shoulder. he was well aware his pain could never take back yours—though he wished, desperately, that he could move your injury to him. he wanted to be able to take on the physical reminder of his defect, to take the hit of his own spear to spare you from his lapse in judgement. he would take it, take ten times the pain you endured, if only it meant that your skin was free of his scars.
it would be an honor to assist the divine, even at the price of his own life.
#genshin#genshin impact#sagau#self aware genshin#genshin sagau#sagau impostor au#genshin self aware au#sagau xiao#xiao#xiao x reader#xiao x you#genshin x reader#sagau x reader#*lying through my teeth* what do you mean of course i don’t have favorites#hey writer tip here: just write. i know you think it’s gonna be bad. i know it’ll likely seem strange and off-key. guess what? write.#just do it. best advice ever. who cares if it’s shit? you can rewrite it later! once you get through the bad and into the groove it’s fine!!#you’ve gotta expel your Bad Words to get to the good stuff. take it from me i always rewrite my beginnings whenever i post#the first paragraphs are gonna suck! and that’s okay! just keep goin baby!! you’ll get it eventually!!#oh btw just so it’s clear: zhongli’s proud of him for taking the meds not for his um. violent acts.#it’s meant to be a ‘thank you for trusting me and accepting help’ but the twist is: he ISNT#i love xiao. with all my heart. i absolutely adore him. he is my beloved little blorbo.#but good lord do i like to see him cry sometimes.
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i seriously need more narumi and mina moments because just imagine the relief mina felt when narumi joined, similar age to her and was also considered a prodigy in the force.
to have someone to share the burden of the defence force’s future with must’ve felt so freeing. because before he joined it was just her, age 18, being told that she was going to change kaiju extermination with her exceptional synergy with firearms. and she was so, so scared.
narumi doesn’t have the kind of skills or talent for long range combat like she does, but he’s also a top candidate (despite his behavioural issues- which aren’t much of a hinderance anyway) and mina doesn’t have to carry the burden of the future alone anymore
(although she’d never admit, given she probably views narumi as someone completely shocking i just think it’s so funny how she stood there like O_O when she first saw him)
like i LOVE seeing the contrast. mina who was sent onto the battlefield for the first time and was deathly afraid vs narumi who was sent out and immediately took action because that’s how he always lived (fighting)
and now they’re the top two strongest captains in the force and they will be the ones to lead the new generation..
#egg boils#IM SOOO BONKERS SORRY THEYRE MY FAVES I WANT THME TO HAVE AN IMPACT ON ESCH ORHEF SO FUCKING BAD.#consider this: narumi teaches mina to be less serious. to stop holding onto the burden of others and her team mates and Fight because she#wants to. hold onto ur weapon clench ur teeth because you WANT to be here and protect lives and not because You feel like you have to ashir#and mina teaches him abt team work and yes you can work along but And maybe having to consider ur team members IS burdensome for u but isnt#it nice to have someone watch ur back? for someone to Help you narumi#please please show me how they’ve influenced each other I KNOW DAMN WELL THEY HAVE. I INOW IT. matsumoto please.#i will never be over mina and how genuinely AFRAID she was#ashiro mina my absolute beloved#narumi tells mina to stop being so freaked out all the damn time because you have your team mates don’t you?! always talking my ear off abo#about team work but you can’t even trust your own comrades?!#mina tells narumi that HE keeps acting recklessly because he doesn’t trust his team mates either!!! they’re perfectly capable too#ohhhhh i’m sick im sick i want mina to knock some sense into narumi and vice versa i want them to be the reason they trust their units to#SUCH a degree now. i want them to be the reason why they stand for their men so strongly (narumi immediately pouncing on no.9 when he showe#kikoru isao’s face. mina’s anger and appreciation when her unit stood their ground against no10.#mina#narumi#kaiju no.8#they’re my top two of course i’m making this shit up. i need it so bad bside please please please#i know she grit her teeth and got used to be alone when she subjugates from the roof top but CONSIDER narumi the delinquent but extremely#capable recruit being the one to show her how to live less in fear#i need a tag for them#don’t be stupid#okay that’s it that’s my tag#kn8 spoilers#sorry again. tagging for myself#narumina
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