#and to be fair. if she had ANY idea about the reality of the situation especially when it comes to the STUPID MC SERVER DRAMA i don't think

[dreamiara]

his mum just said that she saw Tommy trending and clicked on it and that was one of the first tweets so she responded to it? Maybe having a parent on twitter when you’re a cc isn’t the best idea because they obviously want to defend and protect their kids but they don’t understand how twitter is

look i understand where she's coming from, i really do. like i'm protective as shit too, i really understand that but girl. girl. it's objectively embarrassing please just call your son and gossip, i don't care, stop replying to stan accounts 😭😭😭

[rxmxa]

💕☁️𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝟏𝟐𝐭𝐡 𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐮𝐛𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐜𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝☁️💕

I recently got a dream journal (its giving sharkboy and lava girl). and by dream journal I mean I just type them into a journal app on my phone lol.

i have uranus in the 12th house and i really do get flashes of insight (uranus) in my dreams or just as im about to fall asleep (12h). but i decided to keep track of them bc like WEEKS ago i told my coworker about a dream and then she brought it up how it reminds her of a current situation at work. and i was like you know what! you’re right girl. and im constantly having dreams and ik with that placement i have sudden and vivid dreams that give me insights or solutions to problems i might have! if u have 12h placements u should keep track of your dreams! type, write or record!

꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱ We know that the 12th house is linked to mental health, imprisonment, retreats, reality constructs, secrets, fears, hidden enemies, need for privacy. its the house of “self undoing” and the house of “the unseen.” so without a doubt, it can represent your dream life and whats lurking through your subconscious when you’re asleep or when your mind is an altered state of consciousness(like how your 12h sign can show how you act when you’re high or drunk 😗).

꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱ Planets in the 12th house can show you more about your dream life. For example, with Sun in the 12th house, your dreams may reveal truths about your purpose (Sun). If you have Moon in the 12th house, your emotional world is deeply connected to your dreams, often reflecting hidden feelings. People with Neptune in the 12th house might have dreams that seem prophetic, offering spiritual or mystical insights. With Venus in the 12th house, your hidden desires related to love and beauty surface in your dream world. If you have Mercury in the 12th house, dreams may be filled with symbols, conversations, or mental puzzles, reflecting subconscious thoughts or messages. Mars in the 12th house may bring dreams filled with repressed anger, hidden drives, or unexpressed desires for action. Those with Jupiter in the 12th house might experience expansive, visionary dreams that offer wisdom or insights into their spiritual growth. Saturn in the 12th house could lead to dreams about fears, limitations, or responsibilities, helping you confront hidden anxieties. Like I had said, Uranus in the 12th house can result in sudden, unexpected dreams that feel revolutionary or bring flashes of insight about change, while Pluto in the 12th house often manifests deep, transformative dreams tied to power, control, or subconscious fears.

✧₊⁺ if you don't have any planets in the 12h you can still find out more about your dream world by looking at the 12th house from your 12th house (aka the 11th house). This is like putting a microscope to your 12th house using derivative astro!

✧₊⁺ this also tells us that the subconscious mind is deeply influenced by our community, social networks, and dreams of the collective. ✧₊⁺

✧₊⁺ Aries 11th House: You may dream about leading or standing out in social groups, reflecting your hidden desire for independence and leadership.

✧₊Taurus 11th House: Dreams about long-term relationships and loyalty in friendships may show your deep need for stability and security in social circles.

✧₊Gemini 11th House: You might dream about conversations and sharing ideas, revealing your subconscious wish for connection through communication.

✧₊Cancer 11th House: Dreams about nurturing or feeling close to friends can reflect your desire for deep emotional bonds within groups.

✧₊Leo 11th House: You may dream about being in the spotlight or receiving attention from friends, which shows a desire for recognition and admiration in groups.

✧₊Virgo 11th House: Organizing and improving things in dreams could reveal a hidden wish to be helpful and bring order to your social interactions.

✧₊Libra 11th House: Dreams about fairness and balancing relationships can show your subconscious need for harmony and peace in social settings.

✧₊Scorpio 11th House: You may have intense dreams involving power or hidden emotions in friendships, reflecting deeper feelings of trust or betrayal in social dynamics.

✧₊Sagittarius 11th House: Dreams about adventure or exploring with groups could reflect a desire for freedom and meaningful connections through shared experiences.

✧₊Capricorn 11th House: Dreams of achieving success in a group or earning respect may reflect your hidden need for structure and accomplishment in your social life.

✧₊Aquarius 11th House: You may dream of unique or futuristic social settings, reflecting a subconscious desire for individuality and innovation in your interactions.

✧₊Pisces 11th House: Dreams about unity or blending into a larger cause may show a subconscious desire for compassion and spiritual connection with your social circle.

⋆°•☁︎⋆you can also look at your 12h ruler to tell you important things about your inner world, dreams, and hidden feelings. Where this planet is placed in your chart (by house and sign) shows how your subconscious mind affects different parts of your life. 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ ☁️་༘ for example: my 12h ruler is in the 4h and i have dreams about family members that have passed away.

⋆°•☁︎⋆12h ruler in the 1h: Your hidden thoughts and dreams have a strong effect on your personality and how you present yourself to others.

⋆°•☁︎⋆12h ruler in the 2h: Your hidden emotions influence your values, money, and self-worth. Dreams might reveal fears or desires about money or security.

⋆°•☁︎⋆12h ruler in the 3h: Your inner thoughts affect how you communicate and learn. Dreams may involve siblings or daily conversations.

⋆°•☁︎⋆12h ruler in the 4h: Your subconscious mind is linked to your home and family life. Dreams could bring up past memories or emotions connected to family.

⋆°•☁︎⋆12h ruler in the 5h: Your hidden desires are connected to creativity, love, and fun. Dreams may reveal hidden passions or romantic feelings.

⋆°•☁︎⋆12h ruler in the 6h: Your subconscious mind affects your daily routines, health, and work. Dreams might highlight worries about your health or work habits.

⋆°•☁︎⋆12h ruler in the 7h: Your relationships are connected to your inner world. You may dream about your partners or have hidden fears about relationships.

⋆°•☁︎⋆12h ruler in the 8h: Your subconscious mind is tied to deep issues like power, intimacy, and transformation. Dreams might bring up fears or feelings about change or control.

⋆°•☁︎⋆12h ruler in the 9h: Your dreams and inner thoughts are connected to your beliefs, travel, or learning. You might dream about faraway places or spiritual journeys.

⋆°•☁︎⋆12h ruler in the 10h: Your hidden thoughts influence your career and public image. Dreams might reveal what you really want from your job or how you want to be seen by others.

⋆°•☁︎⋆12h ruler in the 11h: Your subconscious mind affects your friendships and future goals. Dreams could involve friends or hidden hopes for the future

⋆°•☁︎⋆12h ruler in the 12h: Your subconscious is very strong, and you may have powerful dreams, strong intuition, and a deep connection to spirituality.

[igotanidea]

The perfect story: Dick Grayson x reader

requested by @fullbelieverheart (thank you! <#)

summary: Dick waking up alone for the third time this week because his beloved girlfriend/fiancee is away promoting her book (she's a successful writer) and he can't accompany her because of his duties as vigilante.

warnings: LIGHT SMUT, MDNI.

***

Dick groaned in his sleep and rolled on the side, instinctively reaching out to Y/N’s side of the bed. Though Instead of meeting with her soft warm flesh, that would ground him in reality, helping ease whatever burden was haunting his mind, his hands met with emptiness.

Third time this week.

He should have known better.

It’s been like that since she published another book, which obviously became another market success, reaching a dizzying number of copies sold. There was no denying his girlfriend was a literary genius and he was proud but it also made him …

Lonely.

If waking up at 4 am feeling your entire body tense from touch starvation is not loneliness then what is?

He was doing everything to ease it.

Clutching her pillow.

Taking off his sleeping shirt and holding himself.

Running his hands on his skin imagining her soft caresses.

Nothing helped.

It was like he could just tear his own skin off from all the tension and need to feel.

Feel her hands on his body.

Feel the warmth of her embrace.

Her skin against his.

Not in a sexual way. Not at all. More like - tender way. Just being close.

He craved physical affection and her presence.

Meanwhile, even her scent on the sheets has almost evaporated and he could not recall the last time she spent the evening or the night with him. Just being there, both mind and body. He yearned for her desperately, but doing all in his capacity to hold those feelings back, knowing it would bring her down from her success high.

Instead, he settled on listening to her interviews on the radio, reading her stories (books with dedications after all) and watching her on the breakfast TV.

Lonely.

Sighing in both frustration and resignation he sat up in bed, running hands over his face, hoping to wipe his emotions away. If only he could be there with her. If only his nightwing duties weren’t keeping him glued to Gotham and Bludhaven. If only he could just travel with his fiancée, without worrying about the future of their relationship.

Cause it was pretty obvious that given their lines of work, situations like that were to happen more often than not.

And losing her for the books and writing started to become his biggest fear, and a threat worse than any villain could pose. At this point it seemed like she had more in common with Jason, constantly babbling about the authors, publishers, plot twists and book characters, of which Dick had only vague ideas.

“Dickie…”

His head snapped to the doors, where she was standing. Still in her pretty party dress, with stilettos in hands, slightly tipsy with weariness on her face. The light coming from the hallway illuminated her silhouette making the contours of her body blur. An angel or a demon.

“I’m sorry…” her tone was sincere, almost pleading as she carefully came inside, perching on the bed, reaching for his hand.

“It’s 4 am Y/N…”

“I know. And I’m sorry…”

So lonely.

“I miss you.”

“Dickie…”

“What?” he raised his head, meeting her eyes, unable to hide the longing and pain. “What’s more there to say? I miss you. That’s it. There’s nothing you could say to make it stop.”

“I’m sorry…” a few tears brimmed in her eyes

“You said it.”

“The party—”

“Did you at least have fun?” he cut her off, not wanting to hear about another fancy banquet where she was the star. Even from her words he could imagine the looks men must have given her and how most of them would love to just whisk her away.

“I—”

“You know what, just forget it.”

“Please don’t be like that…”

“Do you even still love me?”

“Hey, that’s not fair! It’s my work, Dick. The same kind of work as yours, when you are absent the whole night, patrolling on the streets. Just because you are taking some sort of break and are here doesn’t change it.”

“This is not about me—”

“No, this is about us. Us, Dick. You and me. So how could you even ask me that?”

He sighed in frustration, running hand through his hair. This was not how this conversation was going in his head. She was finally here, and all he did was pout and act like a moody five year old.

“Don’t worry babe. Once the press starts digging into my personal life once more you’ll get all the paparazzi and journalists in your pretty face.” She teased, sensing his unease, trying to soothe the atmosphere.

“The only thing I want in my face are your lips.” He smirked, picking up the tone, taking a chance to diffuse the tension.

“Finally you’re making sense.” she smiled, rolling up her dress and climbing on the bed next to him, capturing his lips in hers for just a second, before pulling away. 

“Don’t you dare-“ he placed hand on the back of her head pulling her back to him.

“I’m tired-“

“Don’t worry, I’ll do all the work. You just have to lay down and look pretty for me…”

He tangled fingers in her hair, capably messing up the elegant updo she was sporting letting the curls flow down, symbolically freeing her not only from the hairstyle, but also from the work mask. Right now, she was the home version.

His home version.

The one that didn’t require much stuff and definitely nothing on her.

“I missed this…” he caught onto her hips, sliding the material of her dress even higher, up to her waist and over her head.

“Me too…” she responded laying on her back, giving him full access to her skin, almost fully exposed.

“Why are you wearing such pretty underwear for an official party?” Dick hummed, trailing a path down her chest and between her breast with his nose. Her smell was intoxicating and he was going to make sure it stayed with him longer this time. “This little thing is supposed to be only for my eyes.”

“I thought you only liked not seeing my lingerie?”

“But yet, removing it is only my job…” he whispered, playing with the clasp of her bra. “Did you put that front fastened one on purpose, pumpkin?”

“I'll take the fifth on that…”

“Whatever, it doesn’t really matter much now.”

His touch was like fire, showing off the inferno inside him. Fueled by their time apart, but still fought off bravely to avoid premature ending of this sweet reunion of two lovers lost amongst the sea of everyday duties.

Lips met lips, body brushed over body, skin touched skin, covering with goosebumps.

Intensity of the movements causing the cover to fall onto the floor, incapable of standing up against the naked passion.

“Dick…”

“Yeah, keep saying my name, baby …” he grabbed the back of her thighs, caressing them only adding to the sensation of being fully embraced by him. “Isn’t that better than your books?”

It was so much better.

No description could ever give justice to everything she was feeling now. The divide between heaven when he was thrusting forwards and hell when he was pulling back. The fire burning her to the core, leaving nothing but an immortal soul melting into his.

Carnal pleasure bellied by the explosion of the spirit, finding a way home. To the place where it belonged.  

How could she even put into words all the longing, all the need, the want to both keep him like that forever and let go in his arms?

To be possessed, dominated and loved like this till the end of all time?

“Dick…”

His body under her fingertips, his muscles clenching in time with each movement and stroke.

‘Y/N….”

Her softness and warmth, her eagerness and finally the feeling of him being complete.

In time Dick started becoming a little rough and possessive, purposefully moving slower and deeper, relishing each breathless moan and spasm contorting her face. Pressing thumbs into the undersides of her breast, before moving them to cup her ass, pressing her core more into him. 

Developing the urge to ruin her but also to keep her safe and protected.

“You’re mine…” he groaned, connecting their foreheads, intensifying the thrusts.

“I’m yours.” She moaned, letting him bite her neck to leave a mark for everyone to see.

“Mine!””

“Yours!”

The grip on her waist tightened, the digging of nails on his back left crescent marks.

His mouth was on her breast, licking, nibbling and kissing.

“Yes!”

Her hands pulled at his hair, arching to his ministrations.

Neither of them broke the pace of the thrusting, almost grasping the peak of the mountain. Just within reach.

“Dick!”

“Y/N!”

Falling into the abyss in the best possible way, knowing that this descent will undeniably end right here.

In this bed, in between the crumpled sheets with the loved one by the side.

Reality has never been sweeter.

***

“How much longer till the promotional tour’s over?” he asked some time later. His back was against the headboard, but this time Y/n was right next to him, with head on his shoulder, with legs hooked over his lap.

They were exchanging soft, lazy kisses, speaking volumes about the depth of their connection.

“I hope the hype on my writings never stop-“

“Y/N!” he pinched her side, causing a gasp of surprise and pain. “Come on, it was not that hard.”

“Maybe, but someone made my body sensitive!”

“And I’m gonna brag about it.” He kissed her again. “But seriously, when will I have you all to myself again?”

“In a few weeks—”

“FEW WEEKS!?”

“There’s really no need to shout about it. I could—”

“You could end up tied to the bedpost.”

“Dick!”

“Okay, fine, we can work with chairs too.” He raised hands in surrender, agreeing to another piece of furniture as if that was calming her down.

“You really have to stop watching Netflix shows labelled as voluptuous. You’re getting ideas.”

“I’m sorry? I’m getting them all by myself, thank you very much! Besides, you weren’t complaining fifteen minutes ago, cumming happily.”

“I need to enjoy you for a long time…” she sighed.

“Wish I could go with you-“

“You could. But we both know you won’t.”

He sighed, and for a second they just sat there in silence holding onto each other, with interlaced fingers and heavy hearts.

“Promise to call me. Skype me. Text me. Whatever. Just don’t leave me hanging.”

“Promise. You will be sick of my voice when I come back.”

“When you’re back after those weeks, it won't be your voice that I’ll be interested in” he teased.

“Want to remind me what exactly you’ll be longing for?” her lips found a way to his.

“Since you asked so nicely—” he pulled her on top of him, reciprocating eagerly.

In a few hours, she would have to get up and finally pack her suitcase, but for now – it was just them two.

[bonefall]

I've never understood why people wholly blame Maple for making the clan think her kits were Birchface's. I mean, I'll admit it's been AGES since I read MV (or any actual WC book lmao) but I swear she did nothing to start it? Frecklewish just Assumed they were Birchface's for whatever reason and Mapleshade just didn't confirm or deny. A lie by omission, if still a big one. But people act like its some vile, actively manupulative lie from Maple alone??? like yeah its manipulative but A. who cares let her girlboss and B. it entirely started with Frecklewish assuming??? it wasn't even Mapleshade's idea in the first place???????

You're correct; it was a lie of omission, completely suggested by Frecklewish. Mapleshade didn't fabricate this lie.

In fact, something often left out of discussions about Mapleshade's Vengeance is that it decided she was VERY pious. In the early half of MV, she believes that it's StarClan that's providing all these opportunities for her.

She thinks she's special, that her kittens are destined to bring peace to their two halves, and that the code applies more loosely to her because she so strongly believes she's right and that her love is beautiful. I think it's meant to come across as Mapleshade being "delusional" and disconnected with reality, but I can't help but feel like a fair amount of it is naivety.

Mapleshade is quiet, and Frecklewish rolls into a long, earnest monologue, thanking her for giving her hope with her brother's kittens. It reads to me like Frecki was in a depression after Birchface's death, and being able to help raise her nespring is like being given a new purpose in life.

It's gutwrenching on both ends, for me. Mapleshade is actually super uncomfortable several times around her "in-laws" during these lies, like she knows that she's in a dangerous position, and never really wanted them around to begin with. She clearly doesn't like Frecklewish very much and is actively intimidated by Oakstar. She doesn't WANT to have to lie forever, she eventually wants it to be known they're halfclan.

(and... why shouldn't she want that? This law SUCKS and it SHOULD be challenged. I'll go to bat for Silverstream and I'll go to bat for Mapleshade too.)

But meanwhile, Frecklewish in particular is being mislead. This means everything to her, it gave her a purpose when her brother had been taken from her, she thinks Birchface is living on and that Mapleshade shares in her grief. But it's a lie, Mapleshade doesn't want her anywhere near her children, and at the end of the day her love of these kittens is being exploited for their safety.

So... yes. It is manipulative, but the alternative was to actively tell Frecklewish NO and open up more questions about who the possible father was. Mapleshade is in a dangerous situation and she interpreted the opportunity as StarClan providing a way for her kittens to become accepted by their Clanmates.

I just find this situation is compelling. And they're both neat

[camilaxmartin]

Good morning (technically, it's like 1am for me rn) but could I request Carmilla and Rosie (separately) with a reader that's like one of those friends that are shy for a bit but then open up after a bit when they're singing with friends or something (I'm not great at explaining stuff so sorry about that). You don't have to right this if you don't want to, but thanks if you decide too. :)

not so shy after all

navigation // rules // masterlist

summary: *request*

warnings: none i think! NOT PROOF READ THO!

notes: just a quick drabble cause that’s what came to my mind!:) hope you’ll like it!

requests: closed!!

୨ৎ | okay so for me personally carmilla would adore your shy personality. i mean? a partner of hers who is calm and doesn’t disturb her in any way? perfection.

୨ৎ | i think she would also adore how you’d just listen to her and not interrupt her or just calmly sit through all the overlords meetings like she doesn’t have to shush you or get mad at you? could you be any more perfect?

୨ৎ | she would also tease you a lot and enjoy how flustered you get while not being able to respond to her. her ego would get massive. and it’d be a nice change to her daughters cause i can’t believe odette and clara are calm little kittens around her

୨ৎ | in conclusion, i think she would adore having a calm and shy partner

୨ৎ | let’s get into the more brave side now

୨ৎ | she would be so shocked the first time you show your more open side and don’t get me wrong, it’s awake something in her

୨ৎ | at first, she would just watch you from distance and enjoy how relaxed you seem chuckling to herself that she haven’t had an idea you had it in you

୨ৎ | and when you’d start singing and be even more yourself (i just went with this form the request) she would chuckle more openly and wait for you to notice her starring

୨ৎ | when you do, she would come over to you and hug you letting you go rather quickly not to stop your relaxing and singing

୨ৎ | i can see her even joining you after some time when she feels more comfortable as well cause for me personally, she’s just like that as well

୨ৎ | give her some time and then the two of you will be singing and dancing to taylor swift (or whatever you like to listen!) at 2am in her kitchen making your own eras tour

୨ৎ | clara and odette would accidentally walk on on you two having fun as they were woken up by you just having fun and as much as clara would giggle and join you almost instantly, odette would just roll her eyes and sit somewhere watching you all having fun together, humming the songs herself, she’s not that strong-

୨ৎ | carmilla would enjoy your brave side but i wouldn’t say she would prefer it more than the shy one just… she’s be happy with whatever you give her to be fair

୨ৎ | when that side would come out on the meetings and actually interrupt her somehow she would send you a warning glance but you’d just roll your eyes at her and that would have her IN SHOOCK

୨ৎ | she would try to compose herself and just get on with the meeting trying to keep calm as much as she possibly could

୨ৎ | after it she would somehow scold you for your ‘outrageous’ behaviour but in reality she would be chuckling to herself all the time while doing so and then tell you to keep that side of you for later when the two of you are alone

୨ৎ | and then, depending on what you’d do, depends the next situation

୨ৎ | if you’d just get flustered and all shy again she’d chuckle once again and wink at you leaving the room and going to her office

୨ৎ | but if your brave side would take over you, probably the two of you would end up aggressively making out in her office as she tries her best to scold you more and doing whatever she has in her power to make it sound like she’s actually scolding you and not just teasing you (no matter how much it turns her on)

୨ৎ | after all, carmilla would be amazing with a partner who’s shy at first cause she isn’t her full self at first as well, and she knows better than anyone what’s it like to let you be yourself and enjoy that side of you:) giving her a solid 10/10 what can i do

❀ | okay so i feel like rosie would be SO interested in you just because you’re all shy

❀ | like i imagine her meeting you for the first time at the overlords meeting and her interest would just flow straight out of the roof

❀ | she’d be like “oh who’s that? and why are they so silent and not doing anything?” she would have her eyes on you ALL THE TIME and i mean REALLY all the time

❀ | after a few times you’d notice her gaze and stare at her too but in a more subtle way just looking at her when she’s not looking or so you think

❀ | many meetings later she would straight up come over to you and ask you out and as you’d get all flustered she’d smile to herself and wait patiently for your response

❀ | you’d nod your head agreeing and she would literally clap her hands in happiness telling you to come over to her place whenever you feel like it

❀ | after a lot of doubting yourself you’d find yourself walking around the cannibal town looking for her house and gently knocking on her door

❀ | she would be all bubbly letting you in and already pouring you tea she’s made earlier

❀ | at first your dates would look exactly like that and exactly the same, just gossiping over tea and her trying to dig deeper and deeper into your personality

❀ | don’t get me wrong, she adores your shyness but there has to be something more there, right?

❀ | and finally when you’d stay the night at her place and feel comfortable enough to be yourself more, rosie would catch you singing in her bedroom when she was supposed to be showering

❀ | she would just watch you from the door adoring how relaxed and comfortable you look just having fun when you think no one’s watching you or just that you can actually act like that in her house

❀ | after a quick moment she would clap her hands when the song ends and you’d turn your head towards her immediately and feel your cheeks blush slightly

❀ | but what she didn’t expect was you coming over to her with your hands out asking her to dance and sing with you

❀ | rosie would be stunned at first but quickly shake it off, grabbing your hands and letting you swing her however you want

❀ | the two of you would have so much fun together that you forget she was supposed to be showering and that’s it’s night already and you should rather calm down than getting it on

❀ | but rosie wouldn’t mind that, she would love that side of you and do anything she can to bring it out more often and even in public

❀ | at the same time she would understand that you just let it come out when you’re comfortable and then she would stop pressuring you to be like that among other people

❀ | but still it’s in her nature to try and bring your authentic side whenever she can however she can

❀ | after the whole dance play in her bedroom she would fall onto her bed while laughing and breathing deeply being tired from all of it

❀ | you’d giggle and lay down next to her as she cups your cheek with her hand stroking it softly and giving your forehead a soft peck, smiling to you and doing it even wider than usual

❀ | after all i don’t think she would mind a shy partner but also would adore your more open side as she is very open and confident herself

❀ | i’d give her a solid 9/10 for the bit of her trying to bring it out rather more than she should

[oplishin]

I really love the way RF Kuang wrote Rin's relationship to her culture because it's fucking terrible and cruel.

Rin is the last Speerly, and that puts a soul-crushing, unbelievably unfair amount of responsibility on her. She has to be the one to preserve her culture because there is literally no one else. After her, her people will be dead, and they'll be unable to represent or speak for themselves. All that will exist of Speer is other people's interpretations of it, of what they want Speer to be, how they want it to serve their own cultural narrative.

But, god, how could she possibly represent her people? She has no relationship to her culture, any representation she gives it is inherently from an outside, colonized view. Her culture was robbed from her, but she's still burdened with the responsibility of preserving it. She's woefully inadequate for the job, and she knows it. She's literally, physically unable to continue her people because of a choice she made before she knew she was the last of anything. But, even if she had known, it should've NEVER been her responsibility to continue anything, to boil herself down to a reproductive device for a people she owes nothing and everything to.

Rin doesn't dwell on this very often because, oh my god, there's a war happening, and all her friends are dying, and she'll die too if she doesn't keep going, and these lofty ideas of culture and colonialism are for people who don't have to live in a messy, war-torn reality, people have time to think about anything. R F Kuang does a great job of using Rin as an unreliable narrator here. It's clear that she's fucked up about this, but that she will not allow herself to think about it. She's One person, situated and trapped in her One life. She can't be expected to speak for a whole people. So, she pushes her culture aside. She has to live with the fact that this is it, she's the end.

Then, she dies, and Speer dies, and nothing is fair.

[suzukiblu]

gotham

Kon's in Gotham, which would be less of a problem if it were the right Gotham.

Possibly his reality doesn't exist anymore, is the thing. He's trying very, very hard not to concentrate on that fact until he gets more information, though.

Currently, he's standing in the middle of an emergency triage center with a few hundred more refugees from varying dimensions, and he can't do anything actually superhero-ish or even too noticeably useful because he's wearing a fucking gala-quality bespoke suit that Tim bought him. So, like, way too nicely dressed for a refugee situation or really just any damn normal situation.

If he had to end up in another reality, at least he could've been wearing his superhero costume or his work clothes from the farm, but no, this particular interdimensional crisis just had to pop up during "suffer through another ridiculously fancy Wayne gala on Tim's arm in the name of charity" date night.

Why not, right?

So yes, Kon's in a triage center, waiting to get "processed" as a refugee and hoping to high hell that the local Batman doesn't hate Supers and isn't a supervillain. He'd considered sneaking out of the center altogether to go and get a better idea of what's going on firsthand, but people in the crowd keep randomly freaking out and everyone's tense as hell and he's a little bit concerned that something might be about to go down. Like, it's Gotham, and this whole setup seems like a very tempting target for people with dubious morals to swoop in and start shit.

As far as Kon knows, he's the only refugee in this specific center who's not a standard civilian, and it's hard to just clear out and leave everyone here to the tender mercies of whatever random assholes feel like making trouble for no good reason. There's just so many older people and so many kids, is the thing. Kon is . . . well, physiologically twenty-two, at least, and is a very clear outlier in the group. Mostly it's people over sixty and kids under twelve, for whatever reason. And a whole lot of the kids keep crying on and off and the older people are all clearly stressed as fuck.

Which is fair, since again, possibly all their realities are gone.

. . . technically he probably does count as under twelve, come to think.

Hm.

Eh, whatever.

Kon has spent a whole hell of a lot of time cheering up frightened little kids and soothing panicked adults in the four hours he's been in this triage center and it has been fucking exhausting. At this point, if any Gotham rogue shows their face and even looks at a single one of these people, Kon's going to just fucking deck them. Like, fuck whatever the local Batman's rules about metas and vigilantes are, Kon does not have the patience for anything else.

Right now, though, he's currently just focused on the very distressed pair of identical little girls on either side of him who are not twins and are absolutely terrified of each other.

"Hey, it's okay, Mallory," he says gently, and the girls sniffle in perfect unison.

"But she's scary!" they both blurt, and then they both whimper in fright, and then they both start crying.

Not ideal, Kon thinks. The local version of Mallory is in the awkward position of having had two alternates of herself pop up from two different realities and both land in her family's apartment, and the local versions of her parents are currently arguing with the aid workers about not separating them from their alternate daughters. Kon's half-eavesdropping–they're not that far away, the workers couldn't convince them to break line of sight–and they're both insisting on at least one of them being allowed to stay in the refugee center with the Mallorys. The local Mallory looks a little worried about things, but not as much as her displaced alternates do.

Well, she's the one currently with her actual parents and still in her own definitely-not-destroyed reality, so yeah, that makes sense. The other two Mallorys are just hiding from their other selves on either side of Kon, who can't keep his damn nose out of anything.

Really, actually, Mallory is a pretty lucky kid. Kon didn't even get this good a reception to showing up unexpectedly in his home dimension, and he's heard a lot of horror stories about people getting attacked or chased off by freaked-out locals already today.

Kon had just popped up alone in the middle of an empty ballroom, himself. He'd had to talk to a couple of security guards, but they'd had the news on already and the emergency broadcast had explained what the fuck was going on pretty quick. One of them had given him a water bottle and a candy bar while the other'd called the emergency hotline listed on the TV to figure out where to send him and they'd really both just rolled with the whole situation. That'd been pretty nice of them, Kon had thought.

People are awful, sometimes, but also amazing sometimes.

"Listen," he says reassuringly, dropping into a crouch between the Mallorys, who both clutch anxiously at his weird fancy Tim-chosen jacket as he puts a hand on both of their backs. "It really is okay. I know it's scary, but your parents are gonna make sure you get taken care of, and the aid workers are gonna help them out."

"But–" they both start, and then both make frightened noises again and cover their mouths with their free hands. Whatever realities they happen to be from, they are clearly very similar ones. The local Mallory wasn't talking in unison with either of them, but they keep overlapping each other without meaning to, and she's wearing a pink corduroy dress but they're both in the same black denim overalls. Different shirts, at least, but their hair's identically braided and beaded where hers is in afro puffs.

"This is weird and crazy, but you're not alone," Kon says firmly, patting their backs. "Your mom and dad have your backs."

He wonders what that would be like, having not only parents but parents who'd just roll with alternate dimension versions of you to the point that they wouldn't leave them in a government-sponsored refugee center, but quickly shoves the thought aside to focus on the actual issue.

Maybe Ma and Pa would come get him if they knew, he thinks for a moment, the thought slipping through the cracks, and then feels like an idiot. He's not a teenager anymore. Was never even a kid, technically. And also he's a literal superhero anyway.

That'd be stupid, for them to bother doing that for an alternate version of the guy who spent a couple years crashing in their real kid's old room before running off to San Francisco.

Hell, for all he knows, this reality's version of them doesn't even know him at all.

Seems likelier than not.

[whetstonefires]

I think a part of the reason I feel so connected to JGY and XY is that I, too, think everyone is lying about what a good person they are. Sure, there may be a few genuinely good people, but those are in the minority and never claim the title.

I don't know about never; some people are pretty straightforward.

And in some ways the whole point of the concept of 'a good person' is that the feeling of losing the right to consider yourself one can impose instinctive recoil from doing wrong, in situations where you don't have the leisure of working your way through an ethics diagram and choosing the logically moral path before reacting to a situation. It has practical utility.

But that system can backfire pretty horribly too, in a lot of ways. It can be hijacked by definitions of 'good' that actually make you recoil from ethical acts because they're deviant. It can lead to disappearing up your own ass lmao.

And definitely the threshold for 'talking about how you're a good person' enough that it makes you suspect as either a) a liar or b) someone who values that self-image over objective reality and other people's wellbeing is. Not very high.

Jin Guangyao, ironically, is one of those people who's so performatively A Good Person in his public life that in retrospect it looks like a red flag. Which knowing this about himself in an ongoing fashion ofc just reinforces his own cynicism about everyone else lmao.

Even Lan Xichen, who I think he may see as a genuinely good person, he also sees as an easy mark who will reliably choose what is comfortable over what is 'right,' if you just structure the scenario to make that an easy choice that's easy for him to justify.

Xue Yang's bitterness is in many ways more exciting than Jin Guangyao's because he has a way more unusual relationship to reality, but it does share a lot of notes.

The role of deception in his psychology fascinates me because as far as I can tell he's as instinctively straightforward a person as Lan Wangji, albeit along quite different lines involving a total lack of impulse control, but has adopted 'deceit' as a weapon against the wicked world in the same way he has adopted 'murder.'

But when he feels someone is not merely lying but papering over bad behavior with principles they are not living up to he is livid.

People claiming to be better than him because they're 'good' when 'good' is a construct of privilege, is the underlying idea he's not equipped to articulate. Except he takes that and applies it to 'hitting me to interrupt my random murder of some guy who happened to be within arm's reach when I wanted to hurt someone.'

Which isn't like philosophically perfect, but the underlying problem he's actually reacting to is that he understands the social contract as a lie that has never protected him but seeks to control him, while protecting rich men it has no power to control.

Which it is fair to be mad about, but then his feeling is that since that's the nature of the world and all people, he is entitled to amass for himself the power to inflict hurt without consequences as much as he possibly can, and to use it against the vulnerable for fun, and no one is entitled to interfere.

Which brings him to a place where he is violently angry at anyone talking about trying to treat other people well as a value, because either they're a hypocrite and a liar or they threaten his entire system of rationalization for why he can be The Worst and still In The Right.

'Everyone is equally bad, actually' is like, an understandable take for anyone who's had cause to become embittered. Everyone is free to make whatever philosophical peace they can with the world and by and large there's no ethical weight to any such opinion, in itself.

But it's an ideological crutch people tend to wind up leaning on very heavily when they can't or don't want to take responsibility for their own behavior.

Which is an approach that Xue Yang, Jin Guangyao, and Su She all share, and which not only is shitty of them, it...traps them in a wheel of doubling down on their own worst impulses because rather than going 'that was bad and I shouldn't do it again' they've repeatedly invested all this energy into making what they did actually the correct thing, according to their interpretation of the context. Which means they're more likely to do it again.

(I think this is how Jin Guangyao became a serial killer, for example. He followed a doing-a-murder-impulse and then internally doubled down on how he had nothing to be ashamed of, so he was more likely to do it again, every time.

Wei Wuxian's strain of self-righteousness about his revenge was less...thorough than Jin Guangyao's, because he had the benefit of going after people on the opposite side of a war from him while Meng Yao's first known murder plot was against a shitty boss. But it probably didn't help him not try to solve army-shaped problems with mass murder, even after that stopped being allowed.)

If any of them had just like, zero moral sensibilities they would have created very different problems, and very possibly fewer of them. It's making a central goal of your operations 'self-vindication in your own internal narrative, created retroactively via reframing' rather than 'figuring out what I think I should do and trying to do that' that traps them in the self-reinforcing murder pissbaby vortex.

So if you look at it one way, these three villains are themselves perfect examples of how pursuit of the 'feeling of being good' (or at least 'not the bad guy') can make you worse.

Notably Wei Wuxian was also extremely sensitive to hypocrisy in his youth; it was the only part of Madam Yu's behavior he was ever shown objecting to. But he's sufficiently mellow and cynical from regret and burnout by the 'present' timespan after his resurrection to just get disgusted and alienated about it, rather than outraged.

He wasn't even all that mad at Xue Yang, though honestly that may be partly because he stopped entirely characterizing him as a person at some point during their interaction. Like, there's no point being angry at someone whose moral sensibilities operate exclusively on the plane of 'is this unfair to me' for manipulating and destroying people who were good to him, and then getting obsessed with his own self-pity about it. This is not a person who understands how not to be, metaphorically speaking, a cannibal.

And Wei Wuxian did know better and still got roughly the same result, so what business does he have getting angry?

Anyway yeah those two villains are both delightfully relatable if you sit down and put their perspectives together; they are clearly operating with the same basic suite of human needs and emotions as everybody else, without that being in itself particularly exculpatory, which is honestly refreshing. They've just got the most fantastically toxic interpersonal habits that knowing them counts as some level of Suffering A Curse.

Jin Guangyao and Xue Yang do both stand as scathing rebukes of the society that created them. But within the narrative, wherein they're people, the fact is that each of them had agency and one of the things they chose to do with it was develop rationales for why they were the most special little guy and everything was someone else's fault.

And their moral nihilisms, while also grounded in serious trauma, ping me as emotional masturbation of this variety.

[isolaradiale]

"Solaris, I have an idea that you're going to love!" Mimosa chimes, hands excitedly gripping the papers of what half-baked plan she'd come up with now. It isn't often that she's allowed to do as she pleases, on account of her ideas being much too chaotic and uncompromising, but the curious look on her colleague's face is enough to tell her that she may have decent odds this time around.

"Fine. Tell me of this elaborate plan you have. At the very least, it ought to be interesting." Chin in hand, Solaris sets aside the paperwork that he had been filling out, and the two of them proceed to have a very enthusiastic chat about the former's plans.

The night starts as any other in Spirale City, with citizens tucking themselves into bed and bidding good night to their loved ones. Sleep takes them, some more peacefully than others, but all experience the distinct feeling of falling as they lie on the cusp between awake and asleep. It's an odd feeling, one that almost makes it hard to breathe, but it's soon replaced with the lighthearted warmth of floating gently, gently down until they're back in their bed and the familiar streaks of morning light find their way across the bedroom. Eyes open to what seemed to be yet another peaceful morning only to be met with a strange, low wail coming from outside the windows of their home.

Curious and somewhat concerned, an investigation is surely necessary and so investigate our inhabitants do; what they find surprises some of them, but for others it's business as usual. A large, astral whale makes its way across the sky, filled with stars and planets that seem much closer than usual. The sun hangs high in the sky despite the stars being in full view, a smiling face painted on its surface. The streets are lined with various trees of differing species--some even edible--along with a light stream flowing down the roads, where some citizens are in their bathing suits with cups in hand. And some may even find that their homes have also been made fantastical in varying ways.

And somewhere far, far away sit two scientists. One looks bored whilst the other can hardly manage to stay in her seat. At Solaris's discontentment, Mimosa is intent on getting his approval, so another idea is born. "And what if they can affect the dream, too!? That'd be interesting, wouldn't it?" Her idea is met with a wave of a hand as if saying to do what she pleases. With the flip of a switch, the city's inhabitants would now find that their imaginative thoughts were made manifest but hard to control at first.

"Now, let's see how it all plays out, hm? I promise it'll be worth it. Just watch it all unfold!" Mimosa's hand slaps the top of the haphazard giant cube of a machine that now sat in front of her and Solaris. It vibrates intensely as though it's fit to burst from the seams at any moment. Truly a delicate masterpiece that holds the current dream environment all together. "Don't worry, it'll be fine…maybe!" One look at Solaris can tell anyone though that he has his reservations.

-- Welcome to our 2024 summer event, Phantasm Amalgam! As a recap, we'd like to thank our members for sticking by us this long, and here's to another anniversary event for the books! So what's going on? In short, you're all in a shared dream of fantastical and untold proportion!

Secondly, what's the TLDR read of the situation? Well, here's a couple of bullet points to catch you up to speed!

Upon going to sleep, everyone in the city was transported into a replica of Spirale, only it's entirely made up from the shared memory of it that everyone has! So, there are bound to be a few differences here and there but not anything too large.

Essentially if you can dream it, then it can happen. Anything is fair game. Whatever thoughts your characters have can become reality, all they need to do is think it into existence and it'll become real! It can even be changed by other characters as well. You can also change other characters with mun permission, of course!

Powers will be uncapped within the dream world, but someone else could simply dream themselves invulnerable to them too.

Please keep in mind that if you're interfering with what is being dreamed by another character, you'll need mun permission first!

There is no limit as to what a character can create or change. Whether it be a singular object (a lamp post, a tree, a car, and other objects large or small), an NPC, or even changes to player characters themselves. You can even change entire wards if you want to, but someone else can change it just as quickly! Take the chance to do something exciting and unexpected, the scientists are waiting for some interesting results!

As always please feel free to send any questions you may have to the masterlist!

There will be two parts to this event, with our first kicking off today and the second running from August 9th to August 16th 11:59:59 PM! As always, you'll still be able to do part 1 during part 2!

[anastasiaskarsgard]

To my only regret

“What if we just ran away? Leave all this behind... you aren’t happy. Not really.” the statuesque beauty pleaded to the only man she ever loved.

Vincent de Gramont turned to her with a look of utter disgust. “You would have me run and hide? Have you no faith in me? No honor?” taking a drag from a cigarette, he proceeded to blow the smoke in her face. “Get out of my sight, before I do something i will regret.”

The beauty coughed and wheezed as she tried to dispel the smoke. fanning her hand in front of her face she looked at him desperately. “Baby, I only need you! We don’t need all this. We just need each other,,…”

“I SAID OUT OF MY FACE BITCH!” The Marquis shouted, before shoving the woman to the floor. “Great. Now I’m the asshole. Perfect. Are you happy?”

The beautiful woman rose to her feet, tears spilling down her face. Raising her nose in the air, she turned and left him alone in the sprawling mansion they’d called home.

That was four years ago.

Vincent stood staring out the window, not seeing anything, but he was remembering. Remembering her tear streaked face, when she had looked up at him from the floor. He should have recognized the finality in her eyes, and chased after her.

He had been too proud at the time.

Despite employing some of the most skilled trackers and bounty hunters that Money could buy, she had been impossible to find. It was as if she had completely disappeared. Every day and every night he was told that they had failed to find her, he became that much more obsessed. She belonged to him, and he hated losing his things.

Pressing the intercom button on his desk, he ordered his assistant to call the last guy you call, if all else fails: Trejo.

Trejo was rumored to have a 100% success rate with locating anyone. In spite of that, you only called him as a last resort. because Trejo didn’t work for money, he only traded in favors. And not any set type of favor either. He could ask for anything, at any time.

Rumors swirled on the things he had demanded from clients, ranging from a night with one clients wife, a heart transplant from another clients child to save one of his own, or to pardon a buddy of his from death row. There'd also been a few more reasonable requests like a rare Hermes bag for some guys wife, and a pet snow leopard. Something like that was easy for him

The Marquis was a very powerful man, with nearly endless resources, but he hated the idea of being in debt to anyone.

He had risen to the top and answered to no one. He was even more powerful than he had been when she ran out of his life. Up until now, he had refused to admit he was so desperate to find her. But the reality of his situation was the memory of her, and not knowing if she was safe, was driving him insane.

“Lilly.” He groaned as he fell back into his chair. “You have been such a bad girl.”

Across the world

“Oh come on, it’s just the fair! No pressure, but I’d like for you to just meet him. He’s such a great guy, and very private.” Lisa begged her friend Lilly, that lived outside of their small town, in a quaint cottage in the woods.

Lisa had always been a warm social person, and three years ago when she heard about the gorgeous French woman that quietly moved in the old cottage, she had made it her personal mission to get to know her.

It hadn’t been easy. Lily had been standoffish and extremely introverted. Lisa had thought she was shy at first, but as time went on she started to think that Lilly was running from something. With how drop dead gorgeous she was, she was sure it was a man.

Every unmarried male, and a lot of the married ones too, would give their right arm to take Lilly on a date. Unfortunately she showed no interest in any males, or the handful of females that had tried either. Lisa started to back her up, by informing g all hopeful suitors that lilly preferred her solitude.

And she had been prepared to accept that her friend was a loner, even if she could not wrap her head around it. But then she'd been at the store the other day, talking to James, and Lilly had waved hello, and James had asked to meet her.

James was Lisas older brother, that every girl in town wanted to marry. She'd had her feelings hurt several times over the years, when she had discovered most of her girl friends were only after her brother. He was too focused on sports and school to even notice any of them, and didn't like the sort of girls that threw themselves at him, so he'd avoided dating anyone all through school.

When he'd moved away for college, everyone thought he'd come back and visit someday. He'd be a successful executive, in a fancy SUV, with a perfect wife and a couple perfectly polished children. He'd always been so focused on his goals, good at everything, and liked by everyone he met, so everyone was convinced he'd never be back.

Lisa had always wondered why nobody wondered if he was gay. There were not any openly gay people in town back then, but he had met a lot of the stereotypical gay checkmarks she saw on TV. He was a pretty boy, that dressed impeccably well, for the area. His room was always spotless and organized, and he had a skin routine. He was very much into self care, and followed a strict diet to maintain his physique. He listened to EDM music, and he turned down all the beautiful women in town. In spite of these signs, not one person questioned his sexuality. She would love him no matter what and that had been that, but she agreed that he'd never move back to their small town.

That was until three months ago when he'd shown up out of the blue to tell her he'd bought a house and was there to stay. He'd bought the Myrtle House on the hill, and was restoring the old Victorian mansion to its former glory. It had seemed odd to her, that a single man would buy a mansion large enough to house 10 families, but it was a very pretty home, and if she had the money, she'd likely have bought it too.

"Well you remember that man I was standing with at the market the other day?" Lisa didn't wait for an answer and just rambled on, "that's my older brother that is restoring that mansion on the hill. He works on that place around the clock, getting it up to standard. Now it was never run down, it was just a bit old fashioned, and a lot of house for most people to keep up with. Just dusting the whole place with all those antiques, is actually one woman's full time job. He has a few house people and grounds people to keep up the maintenance. He's modernizing it functionally, but trying to keep it authentic aesthetically, whatever that means. I never know what he's talking about, but he's actually taking a break and coming to the fair with me and the kids! This never happens, he's like you and prefers his solitude. But oh if I could get my two favorite hermit people, to eat some cotton candy with me, before risking our lives on some rides, that some felon puttogether in 20 minutes, while chain smoking a pack of Newports, I could die happy."

Lilly looked at her friends hopeful expression, and bit back the automatic denial she was about to deliver. It has been three years, and she had taken the necessary steps to disappear. Cut ties with all her friends and family, and kept to herself. If Vince hadn't found her by now, then he probably never even bothered to look, and she'd gone through all that trouble for nothing.

“You know what? Okay. I’ll go to the state fair with you tomorrow. Maybe I'll even make another friend."

Lisa nearly fell out of her chair. Recovering from her shock quickly, she jumped to her feet and hopped up and down clapping. “Oh my god I am so excited. You won’t regret this. I gotta head out, but we’ll be by tomorrow about 5 to pick you up.”

The two women hugged, and Lilly couldn’t help but feel excited over the prospect of doing something so simple as going to a county fair. She had definitely noticed Lisa's brother the other day as well, who had been so shockingly handsome when they met eyes, that she'd lost her ability to speak, and had just waved like an idiot, and kept walking.

Running a brush through her long golden locks, Lilly wondered if all her caution was even necessary. Maybe she was flattering herself thinking Vincent would even come looking for her. He likely had a whole collection of new women to use whenever he saw fit.

She’d watched as the man she loved, became a monster with every bad deed. At first he had been so mysterious and exciting. Everyone knew that he was one of the few surviving families of the French aristocracy, and that he was gorgeous and wealthy, but that was about it. There were pictures of him at various wealthy people events, or the occasional article or magazine dedicated to what he allowed the public to know, but that was vague at best.

She'd been 22 and had thought her love could save him. That if she just loved him hard enough, and was obedient, it would soften his heart. When her friends told her he was controlling and possessive, she'd scoff and say it was protection. That was his love language in her mind. If he took care of you, and cared enough to take time out of his busy day, to keep you safe, than that was flattering. The security detail, location tracking in her jewelry, drivers, and 24 hour surveillance of where they lived were thoughtful precautionary measures. She had to quit working because she made less an hour than one of her security guys cost, and she had three. Plus she needed to be available when he had time to spend with him. He also was very fashionable, and expected her to always look clean and polished.. that in itself, was nearly a full time job..

The first year with him, she'd convinced herself that she just didn't understand how rich people operated, and rationized that he couldn't be a criminal,and famous at the same time. She had learned the art of fooling one self in record time.

The second year she had seen too much to deny the type of people he was involved with. Ever delusional,, she was still convinced they were the bad ones, not her Vincent. He was just a victim of circumstance.

By the third year, she could no longer lie to herself. He wasn't just involved or caught up with the wrong crowd. The Marquis de Gramont was their ring leader; their boss. And the most dangerous man in Paris. She was just another one of his things that he controlled with an iron fist. Everyone had been right.

Back across the world again..

The intercom buzzed and the Marquis took a deep breath before answering. His assistant had been successful in getting Trejo and connected the call.

"Bonsoir. J'ai besoin que tu trouves quelqu'un de très important."

"Shit, I have no idea what you said there, but let me just say it's an honor to finally speak with you Mister Marquis! Can I call you Vinnie?" The man boomed through the telephone.

The Marquis dropped his head into his hands, massaging his temples. Hehated when people were so I formal with him, but he'd just have to let it slide for now. " That is fine. I need you to find someone very important to me. I need your absolute discretion and the target must not know she has been found. Can you accomplish this?"

"Shit yeah. You scratch my back amigo and I'll send you the address of that Lilly girl that ran out on you a few years back. I'll even get you a couple of nice pictures if you like."

The Marquis eyes shot open and he was temporarily stunned into silence. "How? When? Who?" He shook himself literally to get ahold of himself. He was nobility, not some bumbling peasant!

"I have always been pretty good at figuring out what people want, before they even know they want it." Trejo shared. "Now have we got ourselves a deal. I don't have a favor in mind yet, but I'm sure something will come up soon, you can help me with."

The Marquis fists clenched and he took a deep breath. He didn't even care about what this man desired. He'd have it. Nothing was too much for her. He'd go pick her up himself. Show her he'd forgiven her for her little tantrum, and she was never to do it again. She was his and that's all there was to it. She was coming home.

His Lilly

[possamble]

⭐️!!

OKAY SO a lot of people really love the last section in a little creature chapter 4:

She’s spent her entire life making herself smaller, quieter, less consequential, just to ensure no one else would hurt because of her. But she won’t do it to anyone else. She won’t do it to her little dragon, this small creature forced to be at her mercy through no fault of its own. It has done nothing but lend her strength, make her honest and brave where she has been a coward all her life — it’s only fair that she shares her voice, shares her life with it.  But Marcille, it cries. Marcille. If I'm quiet, you could have Marcille.  She could. But she won't. Because, if this is all it takes to render her unlovable — some feathers, fangs, and a resolution to be more outspoken — then so be it. If it’s a choice between letting her dragon have its fair share of their life or getting to be with Marcille, then so be it. Let there be no going back, may the dragon tear her apart if she should ever succumb to the temptation of familiarity — life changes, and she will change with it.  We’re in this together now, she tells the dragon, curling around herself. And I’ll always choose you, I promise. 

And I'm super happy bc it was honestly the emotional centrepiece of the entire chapter/the thing I was building up towards!!

While I did fully intend it to be a moment of triumph for Falin's character, I mentioned her inability to care for herself in the absence of an externalized inner child-like entity because I wanted the explore the idea of... I guess, things that are good for you in one moment not always being a sustainable coping method in the long run?

Which isn't to say that you shouldn't engage in these methods to begin with! For Falin, being able to semi-externalize another creature to take care of is a good thing at that moment, because it gives her the bravery to choose her own wellbeing. She needs that, because she's not ready to choose herself in earnest just yet--but no one is able to go from self-erasure to self-confidence without any awkward inbetweens.

But I did want to set up the foundation for exploring that, if she isn't able to further evolve from this mindset, she won't be able to grow. The little dragon inside her is, unfortunately, a bit of a schroedinger's inner child situation--it's real and it isn't. Yes, there may be impulses that feel fully foreign that Falin can identify as coming from the dragon--but for the most part, it's just a part of her the way that any other aspect of her personality is. It being a separate entity inside her is entirely dependent on how she wants to think about it.

Ultimately, she needs to be able to choose herself for the sake of choosing herself and nothing else, or this newfound confidence will crumble. She needs to be able to take care of herself even if it doesn't benefit anyone other than herself--she can't keep using a helpless creature as a crutch forever.

I can't say too much more because it's all stuff that I'm planning in future chapters, but the dragon will be popping in and out somewhat inconsistently to reflect Falin's flimsy conceptualization of it as her companion.

On a slightly unrelated note, I was a little self-conscious about this section because it's far from the first time I've done something along those lines--it's essentially a rehash of a character moment I had in a Code Vein fic from a few years ago:

(the premise being that superhuman vampires are created by implanting special parasites into corpses, and the main character is a neurotic little girltwink who never gives herself enough credit for anything)

And for the first time since she was revived, Mia feels… kind of bad for her parasite. It’s so easy to think that all the consequences of being a revenant are simply a part of her as a singular identity— she needs blood to survive, she has superhuman strength and durability, and so on and so forth. But in reality, it’s… it’s all thanks to the living thing wrapped around her heart right now. Inside her chest is another creature that’s just doing its best to stay alive; in a way, they’re in this together, her and her little heart bug.  Poor thing. She’s put it through a lot. 

[...]

She scoffs quietly at the theatricality of it all. It’s a new day, and she’s greeting it all by herself in her room but she doesn’t feel quite so alone anymore— she never has been, in the end, even when all else failed.  Good morning, she thinks to the creature keeping her heart together. I’ll take better care of you today, I promise. 

(Please excuse the clumsy writing it was years ago and also I do hope to go back and finish this one someday I swear)

But then I thought about it and realized that... this pseudo-externalized inner child thing is something I've done in nearly every major chaptered fic I've written. In my Tales of Berseria postcanon, I have this entire theme about the main character's insecurity about still grieving her incredibly abusive adoptive father, then have it culminate in a segment where she's flirting with her love interest by facetiously gossiping about her own alter ego:

“Might I suggest you not take it too seriously?” Magilou sighs, letting her shoulders fall slack. “It’s a light enough subject without the weight of the context— and this sweetheart of yours does like to spin her stories, no?” she laughs, shaking her head. "Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was taken in by a great wizard who raised her as his own. To this day, she still loves him very much,” she admits, and it’s only her own facetious tone that keeps her from stumbling. “And there has never been a reason why this would ever indicate a lack of self-respect." In some unspoken way, Aneirin is a lie that she tells for herself: to indulge the fond memories without having to explain herself to anyone. To let those sad parts of her exist, that little girl who loved her father so very much— Because, in the end, how could she not? He was a shitty parent and worse caretaker besides; but in a world full of people who called her an abomination— fellow exorcist or no— he was her only bastion.  And maybe that child who still loves her father doesn't deserve to be reviled for the very fact. 

(okay tbh i AM super proud of having finished this massive postcanon thing so if you like the ToB girls at all, pls give the series a look)

So that's 2 for 2 on self-sacrificing blonde girltwinks learning to take care of themselves more by embracing an alternate self--it's kind of funny that I'm doing it again, but with the girltwink's love interest instead. Not to mention that it's not supposed to be a one-and-done character breakthrough that remains positive, so we'll see how this one goes!!

[dr-futbol-blog]

Duet, Pt. 4

Some time later, we find McKay has gotten dressed and is in the lab looking over the wreckage of the dart. Beckett has accompanied him there, and somewhere along the way they have been joined by Sheppard and Weir whom, presumably, were the first people Beckett called when McKay woke up. We don't know what Sheppard did between lunch and this moment, or how much time had passed between these two events. All of the people are watching McKay, he is the focus of attention. And again, we get a close up of his hand (now, literally fondling "bits").

McKay: Oh, nice work! Zelenka: We were running out of power. I knew hardly anything about the machine. Who would have thought this could be one of the side effects? McKay: So, instead of waiting to understand what it was that you were doing, you just sort of mashed on the keyboard hoping something would happen! Zelenka: Well, you're alive, aren't you?

First of all, note how both Beckett and Weir are leaning slightly back as if taken aback by what they are watching, whereas Sheppard is learned slightly forward into McKay's space. Both Beckett and Weir have their arms defensively between themselves and McKay diatribe, where Sheppard's body language is open toward him.

Zelenka seems to take all the blame happily even though what happened was at least partially Sheppard's fault. He tried to explain to Sheppard the dangers, and Sheppard had ordered him to rematerialize one of the life-signs although, in fairness to Sheppard, he was nor informed that something like this could happen. Zelenka had presented him with an option of choosing to rematerialize one of the life-signs stored in the dart, and he had taken the chance. And Zelenka himself had had no idea that this was even a possibility, as this technology is literally alien to them. There's no guarantee that even if they had spent weeks trying to figure it out, the result would have been any different.

But McKay is not interested in being fair when it comes to people working for him on the best of days, let alone now that he has to personally bear the heavy cost of this mistake. But at the same time, Sheppard certainly does seem to feel the guilt from having made this decision. Zelenka may not have thrown him under the bus, and Sheppard may even be thankful for this, but he can't lie to himself about the fact that it was his responsibility. And McKay is too angry to notice how the way he speaks seems to affect Sheppard, as Sheppard interprets everything McKay says to Zelenka as being actually meant for himself. Where McKay thinks that he's taking it all out on a safe target in someone that works for him, Sheppard feels like he's taking it out on him.

Helpless and trapped inside the body of another, Cadman then starts asserting herself the only way she knows how, by trying to get McKay to relay her words to the others. She's distracting him, and this seems to make him even more irascible.

Cadman: Ask him if he knows how to fix it. McKay: He doesn't know how to fix it! Zelenka: What? McKay: I'm talking to her!

Notice how the very moment McKay first does something uncharacteristic of himself, he answers in a way that is slightly off, Sheppard snaps to attention. He notices immediately that something is off with McKay, that what he said didn't follow from what Zelenka had just said to him. They are all concerned for him, but Sheppard is the first to notice and where, in the background, he had been trying to avoid looking at McKay again, as he so frequently does for any number of reasons, his eye snap right back to McKay, brow furrowed.

McKay seems to be working himself up, transferring the disappointment he feels for Zelenka to Cadman and then transferring the frustration generated by both Cadman's presence and her voice, the fact that she speaks, back onto Zelenka. In reality, he's not really mad or angry with either of them, he's scared and overwhelmed. This is a completely new situation and he doesn't know how to fix it and the only way he knows how to deal with this fear is by lashing out at others. And listening from the sidelines, the people watching him are getting increasingly concerned:

Weir: You can hear her thoughts? McKay: No, not her thoughts, thank God. I can hear when she's speaking... or when I suppose she's trying to speak.

This here is such a convoluted way of telling us that McKay has secrets Cadman (and the audience) cannot find out. This barely makes sense, and the purpose of doing it like this is just to preserve that space for subtext that they carry out through the run of the series. But notice how McKay is keeping his eyes closed here, actually screwing them shut, making his body half-turned away from Sheppard and making sure he's not looking at him. He knows Cadman can see through his eyes so he very much tries to avoid looking at Sheppard the whole time they are here.

Now, in addition to listening to her speak inside his brain, he also has to listen to the people closest to him talk right over him as though he wasn't even there:

Weir: Are you sure he should have been discharged from the Infirmary, Carson? Beckett: According to the MRI, he's as healthy as he ever was. Cadman: It doesn't feel very healthy in here! McKay: Well, we can't all be track stars, now, can we? It was her again.

This is interesting. Let's presume for a moment that Cadman does indeed have athletic achievements of the track and field variety in her past and McKay wasn't just taking a lucky guess. What earthly reason would McKay have to know about it? He's not interested in women in general and certainly seemed to pay no attention to Cadman before she started teasing him about his upcoming date. He barely cares enough about the people working under him to be interested in their personal histories, and if you were to ask him for the name of the blonde German scientist working the case, he probably couldn't tell you. McKay doesn't catalogue personal information about people unless they're Sheppard.

It's of course possible that Cadman is a Chatty Cathy and had just been telling McKay and Beckett about her track and field achievements while they were out traipsing through the meadows, but that's also unlikely because for one, she didn't seem like she was all that keen to share personal information with the two men, and second, it didn't seem as though they'd been having a personal conversation like that and third, McKay wouldn't have been interested in it anyway, so even if she had been talking about something like that with Beckett, McKay would have tuned it out. He seemed sour enough not to want to listen to her at all back on the planet.

But there's another reason why McKay might know about her history, and that's if he had both been present when Sheppard was going over the personnel files choosing people for the mission and that Sheppard had actually shared them with him, had discussed his choices with McKay. A history of track and field is precisely the kind of information one would find in a personnel file, and we actually witnessed Beckett make reference to extracurricular activities of the people he was choosing for his staff in The Intruder (S02E02): "Four years' relief work in the Sudan and Ethiopia; graduate studies at John Hopkins and Harvard; half a dozen research grants. Oh, and she also enjoys judo, horseback riding, origami and something called base jumping." Any awards Cadman may have won in her past running track would have been in her personnel file, and the only reason for him to remember the personnel file of a random woman is that Sheppard had actually wanted his opinion on it.

Now, the files are confidential, to be sure, and McKay and Sheppard probably were putting the physical side of their relationship on pause a month into their visit on Earth after which Sheppard got his promotion and would have gone through personnel files. But given that McKay seemed to know Sheppard's personal code in The Siege (S01E20), sharing confidential information with McKay is something Sheppard might well do, especially it he felt out of his depth with the new and, frankly, undeserved promotion he had suddenly been hit with at the time. Cadman is blonde, so even though he has very little interest in women in general, Cadman might easily even have been McKay's pick for Sheppard's staff, and wouldn't that be ironic.

Cadman also makes a reference to McKay's health, here. Because it is accompanied with Beckett's reference to the MRI, the easy assumption to make is that she means his mental health. And given the fact that we have witnessed him dissociating recently, this may even be true. But it doesn't actually seem like Cadman has that kind of an access to his mind. Her reference must be to how his body feels to her, and how it's different from her own. McKay is hypoglycemic and his mood here may have more than a little to do with not having eaten (he missed lunch, clearly), so he might feel physically all kinds of bad at that moment that Cadman could be referring to. She could also be making a jab at his weight, which is how McKay chooses to interpret it anyway, his defense to her jab being a reference to athleticism. But as noted previously, McKay is in relatively good shape and actually did run faster than our track star back on the planet.

McKay is defensive because he compares himself with Sheppard, not with other scientists like Zelenka and Parrish, and it is because of Sheppard that he has been pushing himself to become better equipped for the field. So while Cadman may just have been referring to his blood sugar, McKay interprets it as a condemnation of his entire body. And with regards to Cadman's own sexuality, it's interesting that she doesn't come across as someone that particularly likes the male body. Yes, her barbs here are directed toward McKay's body in particular, but they are toward his body when there are so many more personality and mental faculties of his that she could have belittled. Her issue is with his body, and it may be that the male body is just not an object of desire for her at all.

It's interesting, though, that seems to be McKay's mention of track stardom in particular that stirs concern in Sheppard, and he leans in to conspiratorially although not precisely quietly talk to Beckett. Something in this reference made him uneasy, like he wasn't quite sure if things would come spilling out of McKay that shouldn't. The fact that McKay had been able to see Cadman's file was already a piece of information that he really shouldn't be airing out in the public, and not knowing just what kind of access Cadman herself would have had on McKay's mind was really starting to concern him.

Sheppard: Maybe there's something wrong an MRI wouldn't pick up, if you know what I mean. McKay: I'm not crazy, I just have another consciousness in my brain. Sheppard: So he just looks crazy. McKay: I'm sure I do!

What's fascinating here is that while Sheppard seemingly talks to Beckett, is pretending to talk to Beckett, he is actually having a conversation with McKay. McKay responds to him as though Sheppard was talking directly to him. Beckett doesn't even respond to Sheppard, probably having witnessed the Sheppard and McKay show too many times to think that Sheppard is actually talking to him here. He's being used as a prop, and he knows it.

Now, Sheppard is honestly concerned about McKay. He has never seen him like this but he can tell, better than any of the others, just how agitated McKay is. While Beckett may be his best friend and Weir may have known him longer, it's obvious that Sheppard knows him best. Never having seen McKay like this is freaking him out, and once more he both wants to understand what's going on, hence turning to Beckett, and to make sure McKay is getting the best treatment available for what ever this is. He is genuinely concerned.

Agitated even further by the fact that now Sheppard of all people seems to think he's crazy, McKay then says something really interesting:

McKay: But only because Dr Fumbles McStupid over here was in way over his head! Zelenka: Yes, yes, I made a mistake trying to save your life. Now, do you want to try to fix it, or do you want to continue to berate me some more? McKay: I'm perfectly capable of doing both at the same time!

The way people speak to others often reveals how they have been spoken to in the past. What's really interesting here is the Mc-prefix he attaches to the name he calls Zelenka (in the literal meaning of name-calling). It's the prefix of a Scottish name which he himself just so happens to have. Because the name comes out of him while he is both severely agitated and distracted, it has to come from somewhere deep in his subconscious, from very ingrained memories. From his childhood. The way he spits it out, he has heard it many times in the past. His parents hated each other and took it out on him, he told Carter. It is of course possible that one of his parents had called him by this name when he was a child, and the main culprit would probably be his father. Only, McKay is his father's name and it's less likely that he would have used the Mc-prefix in a slur.

Also, McKay is smart and likely was a smart child. If he had been called by this name, it would likely have been the result of his relatively poorer fine-motor control as compared to more athletic children, perhaps from dropping things. Children tend to drop things like glasses and mugs, especially if they are nervous, and in a toxic family dynamic, a parent might call a child Fumbles McStupid when something like that happens. But again, it's unlikely his father would have attached the Mc-prefix into calling anyone a name, especially since given McKay's name Meredith, he seems to have been proud of their heritage.

The other alternative is that, if his mother was smarter than his father (and McKay's behaviour toward Carter--calling her a dumb blonde because being threatened by smart and beautiful women is just the top of the iceberg of his mommy issues--suggests that it was indeed his mother that had been the smart one of his parents), and given that McKay thinks his parents hated each other, Fumbles McStupid may be something that his mother had called his father more than once. Fumbles McStupid is like the opposite of Angus McGuyver (which was a popular TV-show when McKay was in his late teens, but if there's any connection in the name to that then it had probably been his sister that called him that, as their mother very likely was already dead by that time). Regardless, the Mc-prefix and the visceral way that he spits out the name both suggest that this is something very personal to him, something resurfacing from his own past. The entire way he blows up here witnesses to having grown up in an environment where people fought and argued excessively. This, reacting to a stressful situation by lashing out at people that mean him well, tells us a lot about his childhood.

And again, Zelenka decides not to throw Sheppard under the bus even though he very well could. This probably is not the first time that he has received an earful from McKay, and Zelenka seems to be among the few colleagues that McKay actually respects. He also does realize that he's in way over his head and needs Zelenka's help here, which is why he then tries to start workshopping the problem with him:

McKay: Now, I assume you've tried to run one of our own generators on it? Zelenka: It's not as simple as that... Cadman: Why not? Zelenka: The trick is having it interface with the wraith machine in real time. The power fluctuations are, are, are huge. If we overshoot just a little... Cadman: Wait, wait, what does that mean? Zelenka: ...we're screwed up. McKay: Yeah, yeah. Um, I'm sure if we can maybe run an interface programme that will take care of all the... Zelenka: Of course, yeah, but... Cadman: Hello? Rodney? Will you please answer me? McKay: Here's what I want us to try. Cadman: Rodney!

McKay: We'll take a-- Cadman: Ro-o-o-odney! McKay: Naqahdah generator... Cadman: Rodney! McKay: ...and, um... Cadman: Rodney. Rodney! McKay: ...and, uh... Cadman: Rodney! RODNEY! McKay: YES! WHAT?!

Now, Cadman is perfectly within her rights to get to say something when it's her life on the line. She is allowed to want to know what's going on. But at the same time, she's trying to get attention in the way an annoying little sister (something of which McKay would know a great deal) would, basically doing the whole "Arewethereyetarewethereyetarewethereyet" routine, not stopping until he responds to her. And the way he blows up, he has likely blown up at his sister in a similar way in the past. He can't concentrate, he can't think, he's overwhelmed and there's too much noise, and he just wants it to stop.

Notice in the background how Sheppard reacts immediately to McKay's outburst. He unfolds his arms (having folded them after McKay's Fumbles McStupid outburst because, again, he feels like part of the ire McKay has for Zelenka actually belongs to him since he ordered Zelenka to do it), clearly ready to jump in at a moment's notice. But like previously, Sheppard has no reason to believe that McKay is a danger to other people and although he is acting very strangely, very unlike himself, like he saw when McKay was going off at Colonel Everett, Sheppard's first instinct was probably to get to McKay to comfort him, to make sure that he's alright. McKay was looking quite pained as he struggled to speak before his outburst. Sheppard is not worried about other people, he is worried for McKay.

The only way he would jump in to restrain McKay was if it looked like he was a danger to himself. And yet, McKay's outburst clearly made Sheppard's body prepare for action. He had never seen McKay like this, and although there clearly seemed to be some attenuating circumstances to this, he was seeing a whole new side of McKay, one that he wasn't that keen for. Because, the thing is, while McKay would never speak this way to Sheppard, Sheppard nonetheless fears that this is exactly what McKay really thinks about him when ever he has questions for him, when ever he asks McKay to explain things to him. Somewhere deep down he fears that McKay thinks he's stupid where what McKay actually thinks is that Sheppard is one of the few people he's ever met that truly challenges him. We'll circle back to this come Trinity (S02E05). But for now, it gets worse:

Cadman: Stop ignoring me. McKay: Well, stop asking stupid questions! I will get you out of here, OK? Now just be a good little girlie and keep quiet. Cadman: Don't you dare condescend me! This is as much my problem as it is yours. McKay: And do you have a degree in physics, hmm? Well, what about mechanical engineering, huh?

So the thing is, McKay doesn't really like women. No heterosexual man would speak like this to a beautiful young woman. Although they don't necessarily respect them either, heterosexual men treat beautiful young women well on the off chance that somewhere down the line, their good behaviour might be repaid. They can be and frequently are condescending toward them especially if they feel like the beautiful young woman is encroaching on their professional territory but for the most part, they enjoy looking and listening to these woman, find it a pleasant way to while away the time by being in the presence of beautiful young women. You can see that Rodney McKay has a negative zero interest in ever getting sex from this woman. The only value he found in her body was the fact that she was obligated to take a bullet for him, and now that she didn't have even that going for her, he has no use what so ever for Laura Cadman.

She's not a person, she's a fly he just can't swat because the buzzing is coming from inside his brain. If there was a button that he could press to erase her entire existence, he would do it without a second thought. Having a woman inside his head is like a double digit level of personal hell for him. Now, some people think that he treats women like this because he just doesn't know how to treat women, but no one is this bad with women. It's also not a clash of personalities because he simply doesn't see her as a person. The vitriol with which he meets her precisely because she is a woman is an example of actual, bondafide misogyny. Now, the roots of his misogyny we can only begin the guess (mommy issues of many different flavours, to be sure) and he probably should hash it out with Heightmeyer, but here we are. Rodney McKay does not like women, and they do not present an object of interest to him. And we can see how he finds women interchangeable in how he (accidentally) transfers the irritation he has built toward Cadman onto Weir when she tries to interject something, to get him to calm down:

Weir: Rodney? McKay: YES?! Sorry. I'm sorry. What, please?

Now, just as soon as he says this, McKay realizes what he did and attempts to walk it back. It's through their professional roles that he is able to muster respect for women. In making them abstractions through their roles, he is able to see them as distinct personalities, which is ten different kinds of messed up. But Weir is his superior, he respects Weir as a professional, and he knows that one should never speak like that to a superior. And it wasn't his intention, he's not upset with Weir (he's not even really upset with Cadman either, he's just upset and taking it out on others), but as soon as he realizes he slipped up, he is very apologetic. Sheepish, even. Clearly trying to perform the role of a professional, realizing that he had somehow ended up stepping so far outside the realm of normal behaviour that people were actually starting to question his sanity.

Meanwhile, Sheppard is doing something interesting in the background. Following McKay's "be a good little girlie and keep quiet," he looks away from McKay, casting his eyes downward. He keeps looking at the floor, looking uncomfortable, possibly even pained. He can't seem to look at McKay. Now, there might be several reasons for this. For one, he might just be offended on behalf of his officer that he refers to her as a "girlie". That is definitely something that he, as a commander, should not let slide. He should reprimand McKay about that but this whole situation is just nuts, so he doesn't know how he's supposed to react. But it's also possible that the words "Now be a good little boy and keep quiet" are words that he had heard a lot during his childhood, the words themselves might be triggering for him. He was expected to be well-behaved and not draw too much attention to himself, so his father almost certainly would have said these words to him, perhaps even other people from his childhood environment.

But even beyond that, the word "girlie" or "girly" may be something he had been called in his childhood and adolescence, and his macho posturing may well be the result for overcompensating for how both having been a pretty boy and having had interest in other boys would have made him a target for emasculating slurs like that, especially during his boarding school years. What McKay says here may be triggering to him for a number of reasons but what ever it is, he really did not care to hear that coming from McKay's mouth. The way he turns his face away is kind of like he's been struck. And again, while McKay would never say these words to Sheppard (and indeed, he previously used to shield Sheppard from having to see him like this, like in The Storm, S01E09), Sheppard now knows that he's capable of saying such things.

And worst of all, what ever is wrong with McKay now (and there is something wrong, he knows that, he's not acting like himself), it's his fault. He let this happen to McKay, and there didn't seem to be a damn thing he could do about that.

Weir: Why don't we let Zelenka handle this? McKay: I'm fine. Sheppard: No, you're not. Weir: And I'd like you to talk to Doctor Heightmeyer. McKay: I think it'd be more useful if I was to... Weir: Rodney, I'm not asking you. McKay: Fine.

If there's something Sheppard knows, it's when people say they're fine when they're really not fine. He doesn't have to know McKay half as good as he does to know that he's lying, and that he's lying most of all to himself. He can tell that McKay is nowhere near fine. But note the fact that Sheppard does not tell McKay what to do. As his team leader, it could easily have been Sheppard's call, and maybe he even should have been the one to order McKay to see Heightmeyer. But he doesn't. He doesn't give McKay orders. The only thing he does here is express his concern. He lets McKay know that he thinks he's not alright, and that does give him pause.

And while everyone that has gathered to watch is concerned for his well-being, McKay feels humiliated by Weir, who does make it an order. It's like he's being asked to go to his room in front of his entire class. For McKay, his mind is his most important asset, and he was starting to spiral, to feel like he was losing control of the last threads that had been holding his life together. Further yet, he once more feels like he's being not chosen here, like he's not being wanted. Although it might come from a place of love, they all want him to leave. And Sheppard looking at him the way he had, that was worst of all. What Sheppard thinks has meaning to him. What Sheppard tells him, he hears it. It's only for the briefest moment here that he allows himself to look at Sheppard, and it looks like his heart is breaking just then. Because as much as he would like to seek comfort in Sheppard, to hear him tell him that it's going to be alright and they can figure this out, they're not that anymore. This cool, detached professional concern is all he can expect from Sheppard now.

He leaves without looking back and doesn't see that Sheppard turns to watch him go. Losing McKay is his worst nightmare, and he's starting to realize there are more ways to lose him than he ever could have even imagined.

Continued in Pt. 5

[teen-antisocial]

FOLKLORE

TRACK 2

CARDIGAN

JACK DAWKINS X READER

ANGST

The night was surprisingly quiet. No one really made a sound, the streets below, no carriages. The city was finally still. The only sound that was heard was one of the youngest Fox sister. She was up in her room, sobbing her heart out, after witnessing her sister kiss her boyfriend. A small hunch telling her that Jack, her boyfriend, the love of her life, was the one who started the kiss. She remembers it all.

Jack was wearing a vintage tee, and had a brand new phone. Belle, had high heels on the cobblestones. She remembered it all. How it happened, when it happened, where it happened. And when she told her mother she was told, she must have imagined it because of how much she remembered. It doesn't help that when you are young they assume you know nothing. Well in her mothers eyes anyway. That a young person doesn't remember this much, how it happened ect.

However you remembered all too well, been in your room with a sequin smile, black lipstick listening to sensual politics despite the fact when you are young they assume you know nothing.

When she slowly turned on her side, she faced a photo of her and Jack. And it's almost like she didn't recognise him, but she knew him. Dancing in his levis, drunk under a street light. She knew him, hand under her sweatshirt. And everytime she was hurt, Y/N knew she could run to him with any injury and ask, “baby kiss it better” he would. And when she felt like an old cardigan under someone's bed, Jack'd put her on and say “you're my favorite.”

The next day, it was school. And Y/N dreaded it. The thought of seeing Jack, disturbed her to the core. Especially if he was with Belle. But all three of them were in the same friend group, so it would be heavily awkward if they saw each other. Then again, it's like Jack said, she was a friend to all. But she didn't really feel like that was true. She felt like she was a friend to none.

Luckily for Y/N tho, they let her change her home room. So she could actually think of what to do about the whole situation, a few ideas came to her head. One was writing ‘chase yeo girls, lose the one’ on a post-it note and leave it in his locker. But it didn't seem like the right thing to do. Talking to him felt more right.

She felt like she knew nothing at that moment, because Y/N deep down her mothers words played in her head “when you are young they assume you know nothing.” But the reality was, she didn't know anything, she just didn't know what to do, but her thoughts said otherwise.

Y/N was arguably more annoyed with her sister, because Belle knew her playing hide and seek, and giving Y/N her weekends. And Y/N knew her, Belle’s heartbeat on the High Line. Once in 20 lifetimes, and when she felt like an old cardigan under someone's bed. Belle put her on and said that Y/N was her favorite.

Laying her head on the table, she remembered her memories with Jack. How there version of happiness was to kiss in the car and downtown bars. It was all they needed. When Jack drew starts around her scars, but now she's bleeding from the betrayal she had just faced.

The worst part? She'd happily take Jack back. She'd forgive Belle.

If Jack came up to her now, she'd do nothing, she'd just kiss him. Cause he knew her stepping on the last train. Marked her like a blood stain. And she knew him. How he tried to change the ending. And it reminded her of Peter loosing Wendy. And now she knew him, only now, he was leaving like a father, running like water.

Slowly, she lifted her head up as the bell went off. “Time for an hour of math.” She muttered. A lesson she hated, a lesson that made her feel stupid. The lesson that started her mothers words of when they are young, they assume you know nothing.

She stopped at her locker, grabbing the books she needed, and saw a photo of her and Jack kissing, taped to the cold metal door. She sighed before putting a finger on her lips. And remembered the day it happened at the school fair. How she thought their love would last forever.

But, now she knew he'd linger like a tattoo kiss, she knew he'd gaunt all of her what-ifs. The smell of smoke would hang around this long. Looking back on it, that night she knew something was going to happen. Cause she knew everything when she was young. But she didn't want to belive herself until this moment.

Clank!

The sound of stones being thrown at her window brought her back into reality. “Jack…” she muttered to herself, cursing the thought of him under the window. Knowing she'd curse him for the longest time, chasing shadows in the grocery line.

She ran to the window, seeing Jack waving from the ground. She knew he'd miss her once the thrill expired, and he'd be standing in the front porch light. And she knew he'd come back to her.

Quietly, she looked under her window. Confusion, filled her face. “I'm sorry!” he cried, “Fuck! It was just a summer thing! I'm so sorry!”

And he'd gone back to her.

“Please! I just want more chance! I promise!” He called out.

And he'd come back.

She smiled, trusting his promise, risking it. She nodded, “Just get up here!” She laughed. And now when she felt like she was an old cardigan, under someone's bed. He put her on and said she was his favorite.

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Masterlist

Folklore masterlist

[comewithmeintothedeep]

yeah so i meant like actual LGBTQ spaces that don't 99% cater to cishet women but thanks for the holier-than-thou answer.

As a bisexual bigender woman who has one partner who's non-binary and ace and the other who's cis and demisexual, I do not appreciate this answer nor the snide dismissive tone in response to my attempt to simply kindly educate people about the reality that 'cishet' isn't something you can assume based on...anything, really.

Like, the fact of the matter is that you cannot assume that anyone is 'catering to the cishets' in any capacity. That kind of attitude is how we have situations like Becky Albertalli, the author of Love, Simon, who had been accused for a long time of being a 'cishet white woman writing gays for the straights' until she had to come out publicly about being bisexual - not because she wanted to or felt comfortable doing so, but because she specifically wanted to stop people throwing hate and vitriol at her because they just...assumed that she was a straight writing gays to pander to the straights, so she had to make this aspect of her that she didn't want to make public public to stem the flow of harassment she was getting because of this.

To this day, she STILL gets this treatment/false assumption thrown her way (albeit significantly less, though it still happens).

Bottom line, you cannot assume ANYONE is straight or queer if they have not specifically said so and you ESPECIALLY cannot assume anything of the sort based on their writing or what they produce. If you could, I would have some very interesting assumptions about the authors and artists behind the original Argentinian Cybersix comic because...well, the themes in it are very telling.

But both gentlemen are dead and have been for decades, and thus cannot confirm or deny the idea that they may have been entertaining and expressing a desire to be transgender by expressing it through their work. They cannot speak for themselves, so I cannot assume that they are or are not. The themes are present even if the gentlemen themselves are not and it's an important piece of art that yes, while DEEPLY flawed and sometimes extremely inappropriate and entirely fair to criticize, is an important window into post WWII Argentinian culture, including how they saw queerness and gender.

So no, I'm not gonna make my space 'not friendly' to 'cishet women.' It is not my place nor yours to assume anyone's gender or sexuality when they consume or produce art and writing and is it not reasonable to expect anyone to prove that they have 'queerness cred' to be accepted as 'valid.'

Every single reader here is entitled to their identity and is entitled to enjoy - or not enjoy, that's fine too - my content or anyone else's content in this space in peace and the reasonable expectation that they are welcome and that their identities are welcome and accepted, but ALLOWED to be private. No one should have to prove that they're 'queer' enough to belong.

And, quite frankly, if you're not willing to let cishets who AREN'T queer into your spaces if they do so with innocent/good intentions, you will alienate plenty of people who will be frightened away from accepting/learning about identities that might open their eyes to their own misconceptions about gender and sexuality and introduce them to different kinds of relationships outside of sexuality and their relationship with their own genders, even if they still don't turn out to be queer. We need to be open to allowing people who aren't queer into our spaces because that's how we get meaningful conversations that lead the way to progress.

Either we get more members of our minority, more genuinely meaningful and strong allies who will stand with us and support us, or our ideas won't be seen as so alien and strange and will be more widespread and accepted. If you ask me, these benefits are worth the risks, especially in low-risk and low-stakes spaces as literature and spaces devoted to smutty (and non-smutty) monster-themed fiction.

Everyone belongs here so long as you mean no harm, and NOBODY is required to 'prove their validity' to belong. You're entitled to your identity, you're entitled to keep it private if you're not comfortable being open about it or if you're still figuring it out, and you don't even have to be queer to belong here as long as you're here in good faith to share our space and learn more about us as a community, as people, and treat us with respect.

This is no space for exclusionists. End of story.

[be-with-me-so-happily]

Chapter 8.5 - Harry's POV

Series Summary: Gemma is definitely Cassidy James' favourite Styles family member, considering they are best friends and all. And especially considering that Harry Styles is Gemma's smug and self-centered younger brother. Her life isn't perfect, and neither is she, but she hates how everyone thinks Harry is. Because she knows that's not the case.

Chapter Summary: Harry is about to leave England, taking his feelings and worries with him. Maybe time away will settle them, and he can go back to London with a clear idea of what he wants- except, he already knows what that is.

Chapter warnings: Some explicit language, actual quotes from a real interview

[ present - Sept 2020 ]

"I really hope we get to see you at Christmas."

Harry's not sure why, but those words sadden him, as he watches Cassidy and Cecelia drive away. He wishes it wasn't such a horrible situation that brought them over to stay at his place, because the past couple of weeks have been heaven for him, and despite advocating for kindness to be spread around the world, Derek can rot in hell for all he cares.

"Hello? You there?" He hears through the speaker of his phone, sighing as he's taken out of his thoughts and back to reality.

"Yeah, mate. Sorry, just saying bye to some friends."

"Harry. I know who your 'friends' are… I know Cassidy and Cecelia were there."

"Right. Sorry." He utters, still standing by his front door and slowly turning around to push it back open. To reenter a now empty house. He wasn't joking when he told Cassidy it would definitely be quieter with them gone, but he also wasn't joking when he said he liked the noise, and the mess. He liked them being there.

"You alright?" Jeff asks, sounding sincerely concerned.

"I'm fine." Harry replies, doing his best to sound chipper, rather than pathetically pouty about being alone. Specifically, being without them.

"Nice try. Did something happen?"

"No. I mean, yes. Sort of. But…" He sighs again, running his hand through his hair in an attempt to calm his racing thoughts. "It's complicated."

"Hold on." His friend states, Harry only hearing muffled noises and mumbles on the other end.

"Alright. What's going on?" Another voice asks.

"Bloody-... why did-..." He grumbles, though not sure if he is truly that frustrated. "Hi, Glenne."

"Yeah, hi. What's going on?"

•••

An open suitcase lays across his bed, void of any article of clothing, or necessities he'll have to bring for his trip. Well, two trips, technically. Nothing has been packed yet, since all he's been doing is sitting beside his luggage and unpacking the events of the past weeks with Glenne listening intently on the other end.

"She kissed you, Harry. That means something."

"But she didn't say anything about it this morning."

"Well, to be fair, neither did you…"

He falls backwards, letting his body descend onto the bed. She's right. He could have brought it up. But it was Cassidy that made the first move, and despite the fact that he kissed her back, feeling the best sense of euphoria as their lips touched, he would feel humiliated if he admitted his feelings before knowing if they were reciprocated.

Considering how much of a struggle it had been for him in the past to even be allowed in her life as a friend, he feels validated in being hesitant.

"I've been down that road, G. It got me nowhere."

"Not true." She responds, causing a deep furrow to appear between his brows, despite her inability to see it. "It got you where you are right now."

"I don't-" He pauses, attempting to find the right words to say to truly express the predicament he feels he is in. "I don't want to bring it up and make things awkward, then lose our friendship. And her. Again."

The lack of sound on the other end of the line causes a worry to grow inside his chest. Not because he thinks she didn't hear him, or the call dropped, but because he feels as if she now has nothing to say. She has no advice to give him, because everything is so complicated. Too complicated for her to solve or even provide any sort of help.

"Well, shit." She utters, and Harry's suspicions are immediately confirmed.

"Yeah." He replies, feeling as if his body could sink into his bed and swallow him whole with the heaviness he's experiencing.

"We both just want to see you happy, H. And you have been. But… it just… doesn't feel like you are as happy as you could be…"

"I'll be happy as long as they are both in my life."

[ flashback - March 2017 ]

With his bottom lip pinched between his index finger and thumb, and his weight shifting from one leg to the other, Harry watches his mother's emotions trickle down from the corners of her eyes.

The final notes of the last song fade off, and silence fills the room, Anne's shuddered exhale is the only noise that breaks through the thick air. Thick with anticipation, curiosity, emotion, and even a touch of insecurity. This is Harry's first solo album, which he wants to be as perfect as it can be, and he needs his mother's thoughts on what she heard to help relieve some of his anxiety.

"Harry." She looks over to his spot right beside her, glassy eyes showing off what he hopes is pride. "That was… just… so beautiful!"

His lungs release the air he has been holding in anticipation of her response, and they both smile, his eyes now matching the sentiment of hers, with tears beginning to form.

"Which… umm…" He coughs to clear his throat to help get his words out. "Which song was your favourite?"

"That's not really a fair question." She replies. "But I suppose if I had to choose… it would probably be… 'Sweet Creature'. It's just lovely."

"I thought you might like that one." He admits, a sheepish grin forming on his face as his gaze drops to the floor.

"Really? Why's that?"

"I don't know. I guess because it's sort of about, like… growing up, umm, with someone." He shrugs, not meeting Anne's eyes, but just barely able to make out the eyebrow she's raised in curiosity.

"So, is it about one particular person?" She asks, causing Harry's heart to come to a sudden stop. She knows how his writing process goes, and how he pulls from personal experience. She knows the context of most of his songs, albeit maybe not the deepest meaning of them all.

For this one in particular, he's been telling himself it's about someone specific, when in reality, there is definitely the possibility that someone else was the true muse for the tune. He's just not sure if he's ready to fully admit it to himself, so he is certainly not admitting that to his mother.

"Well, maybe Gem, a little bit." He states, finally knowing, as he gives that reply, that she's not entirely the one he wrote about. Partially, yes. But not completely.

•••

[ flashback - May 2017 ]

He's used to being asked about the meaning behind his songs. It happened all the time in One Direction. And today, on The Zach Sang and The Gang Show, after releasing his newest single, he's being asked those same familiar questions: what is it about, and who was it written for?

"In my opinion, most songs are written for one listener." He tells the host, Zach, who seems a little surprised by the response. "It's so much easier to say something in a song than it is to say it to someone, and I think it's really amazing to be able to communicate through that and be able to wrap up everything that you want to say in three and a half minutes. And say it in a song."

His stomach begins to tighten with an anxious squeeze as he's asked further about his new single.

"Umm, yeah. I think 'Sweet Creature' is definitely about one person." He replies, and he watches Zach's eyes grow wide, clearly shocked, considering Harry's answers are usually much more vague. But that's all the specificity he's willing to give out, and he begins to express how everyone can have their own meaning for the song.

The general meaning is clear, or at least he thinks it should be, but the identity of who his heart truly felt this song is for is a secret he will hold on to for as long as he has to, which will most likely be forever. Because, yes, if he chooses to, he could confirm that he wrote the song about his childhood, and about his sister. But the deeper part of his soul has finally come to a realization that he will never openly admit. The other person who he used to look at, no matter where they were, and feel at home, was always Cassidy.

[ present - October 2020 ]

Harry smiles as he witnesses shock spread across the faces of both Cassidy and Cecelia, who stare wide-eyed at him from the other end of the video call.

"So? What do you think?"

"It's… I mean… it's…" Cassidy mumbles, still seemingly taking her time to process what she is seeing.

"It looks fancy!" Cecelia exclaims, immediately causing Harry's heart to beam with joy. How that little girl has such a hold on his heart, and had it so quickly, he may never understand, but will also never complain about. "Your haircut looks fancy!"

"Are you even allowed to show us?" Cassidy asks, inquisition now replacing the surprise.

"Umm…"

"Harry!"

"Just don't… tell anyone…" He whispers, mouth stretching straight across his face to express his mistake. Though, truly, he doesn't care. Showing off his new look was just another way and another reason to talk to them. "You still haven't told me what you think, Cass…"

"Wow. Really?" She asks, rolling her eyes enough for him to see, though leaving her daughter none the wiser. He knows how annoyed she gets by his requests for a compliment. She's stubborn, just like he said the month prior. But he likes it, because even with her resistant demeanor, he always notices the tint of pink warning her cheeks. He likes knowing, or even just pretending, that she's feeling flustered over him. "It's sort of like your 'Dunkirk' hairstyle, but more…"

"Fancy!" Cecelia adds, again, a wide grin expressing her pride in her description.

"Yes, fancy." Her mum agrees. "A classic, almost vintage look."

"Mhm." He nods, pulling his lips inward to not confirm anything about her description and to not completely abandon the confidentiality he swore to keep regarding the film. He's just going to choose to believe that showing off his look was unavoidable. How can he talk with them on a video call if they can't even see him? Sound logic in his opinion.

"You-... yeah, it looks good, Harry." She admits, the red hue he was hoping to see developing quickly on her cheeks. "Honest."

"There it is. That's what I was looking for!" He chuckles, mildly wanting to cover up the way his own face has just become flushed with heat.

"Oh for-..." She squeezes her mouth shut, clearly holding back the inappropriate words from her daughter that he knows she would love to scold him with. "Don't you have to go shoot a scene or something?"

"Soon, yes."

"You should do that." She scowls from behind Cecelia. "It's a bad look to be late on your first day of filming…"

As excited and anxious as he is to begin this day, he's even more hesitant to say goodbye. Considering the way he and Cassidy left things, so uncertain and unspoken, he wants to soak in these comfortable, familiar moments. Especially since they give him such a sense of 'home'.

"You're right." He concedes, feeling just as sad about ending the call as he believes Cecelia to feel, if the look on her face is any indication. "Wish me luck!"

"G'luck Harry!" Cecelia shouts, as if the louder she is, the more luck she will send, causing Cassidy to pull back from the volume blaring out of her daughter.

"Okay, yeah, break a leg or whatever!" She adds, giving him a wink to reassure that the sentiment actually is sincere.

"Mummy!" The little girl exclaims in shock and horror as her head shoots in the direction of her mum. "Mummy! That's so mean!"

"No, that's what people say to actors!" Cassidy responds, in almost a panic, not wanting her daughter to believe she wants Harry hurt. "To wish them good luck!"

"But… why?" The little girl asks.

"I have no idea." Cassidy shrugs, causing Harry to smile at the conversation between them that he no longer seems to be a part of. It's so silly, and sweet, and just down-to-earth. He doesn't have to be included in it to enjoy it. "But, wait, is that only for stage actors, or does it count for movies too?"

He watches them both turn back to the screen, and he perks up, not really having an answer to give them.

"It doesn't matter. I'll take all the luck you two can give me. I'm sure I can use it."

"I'm sure you'll do great, no matter what."

Harry's heart flutters and aches at the same time. He loves this, their friendship, the way they are with each other now compared to all those years ago. However, he can't ignore the desire he has for more. And he can't help but wonder if they had talked about that kiss, would he have that?

"Thank you, love." He replies shyly. "I don't know when I'll be able to talk again, but I'll definitely give you a ring on your birthday, Little Bug!"

Cecelia smiles, seeming to enter a happier mood knowing she will hear from him again soon. He's glad she isn't gutted that he won't be there in person, though he is.

It's times like these that he is close to regretting his career. Or at least the fact that it regularly takes him away from his family, his friends, and his home.

Then again, what would he be going back to?

"Harry?" He hears, realizing his gaze has dropped and he has been in a daze of thoughts while still on the call.

"Sorry." He replies, looking back up to see Cassidy gazing back curiously at him. Their friendship is what he has, and wants to keep. Their friendship is what he can go back to. So right now, that's how he has to keep it, pushing down the feelings that have only been growing since he first saw Cassidy as more than his sister's best friend, which was practically at the very start. He needs to get through this movie, and get back home. Then, and only then, can he try for something more.

"You really will do great, H. You were born for this." She encourages, her typical banter replaced by the sweetest and most genuine support. "So… don't actually break a leg. Yeah? We need you back in one piece."

And there it is. That's all he needs to get through until he can see them again. See her again.

Series Masterlist

•••

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•••

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[twost3ps]

Oh, I saw your guitarspear post!! I'm not that anon, but I wanted to say that I also really like them as super close and intimate friends who joke and make fun of each other platonically like you said! I'd love to see more of their interactions in this kind of dynamic if one day you decide to do it! Your styles are so beautiful!! (all of them lol)

I love the idea of ​​them as the kind of friends that everyone thinks are a couple when in reality they would be like BLEH UGH GOD FORBID 😖 if someone said that around them hahaha

I like to think about them bullying, humiliating and gossiping about other people all the time and having so much fun with it, they are THE Heaven's Mean Girls lol

Bonus if he and Lute have competitions to see who can rizz and get more women. Assholes. /affectionate

And I also believe that they would lean on each other a lot, being there for each other when no one else seems to be.

Hahah sorry for the yapping, I don't see many people who like them platonically. But what do *you* like in a dynamic like this for them? Any hc? I’d love to hear more about your thoughts! Especially how Adam would act in situations like this, I think it would be something fun to explore, with an openness to angst and comfort! I'd love to know if you want to share! :)

Your Adam really is one of the Adams who brings me the most comfort in the fandom! Thank you for the art you make and share with us <3

Dw anon I really loved the yapping lololol!! Platonic guitarspear I do love you so <3 Aw damn anon I don't know how to answer since you hit every hc I have for them lol. But like I agreed with all those statements that is really just how I see them!!!

Starting off a bit crazy but semi related to intimate joke stuff, they have seen each other naked before and it sparked nothing at all. They might have attempted trying dating or being together once- after some people insisted and maybe they would be right so why not try. Kissed? Sparked nothing. They tried going a step further, sat on the bed naked and then laughed maniacally and knew it was not for them. This or they thought about it for a second and both gagged.

I do love the idea of Lute actually grounding him. Adam just seems like a yapper and so Lutes there to kick him back to attention or in general helps him cope with his problems. And Adam does kinda the same thing for her as well.

Among the exorcists Lute is the few that don't see Adam as a father figure. I see some of the exorcists do but Lute sees Adam more as a bff or a mentor figure at best

Okay tho but I like the idea of them play fighting. They're those kinda of friends who have no shame in pushing or shoving each other unprompted. To others it might not seem fair since lute is significantly smaller but trust, she could lift a bulldozer so Adam has nothing on her she is a beast and that girl.

Him and Lute are professional HATERS. Hate on everyone man 🙄 😒 go off ig. Highkey big giant gossipers. If they call one another it’s something about someone

I think Lute wins on getting more ladies than Adam does. Trust. When she's not being a freak (affectionate) and scaring off people she's has impeccable rizz.

I also love the hc that lute is actually way more sloppier than Adam and Adam is oddly cleaner than people think. Like adam isnt a clean freak like maybe... Sera? I think shes be a clean freak. Hes disorganized- yes- but Adam showers daily, puts on deoderant, puts on colonge, folds his clothes and cleans around his house daily. But lute is sloppy af. She had blood stains on her uniform.... girl does not wash properly. I think her room would be a bit of a mess and Adam comes around and is like "DAMN GIRL YOU LIVE LIKE THIS?" And cleans her shit and forces her to take a bath as she hisses or sumn. Lute a mess cuz she's always on the go. I don’t think she's as dirty as her hair getting so oils if you squeeze it you could collect a bottle of oil from it but like, after working out for 8 hours she'd go home sleep and take a shower in the afternoon type of way. Messy room with clothes on the floor not vacuumed at all kind. She puts adam on his feet at work, Adam puts her on her feet at home.

There are a couple more that I’ve seen and I’ve made up but they aren’t coming to mind rn.

And btw thank you!!! It means so much to me qwq