#and this is stuff i know if i was an intern i'd learn quickly but alas. i am not.

[dooblebugss]

Some very general buggy headcanons for Bug Fables, focusing on the Main Three and the Explorers Association. Spoilers for the game.

Kabbu: (Rainbow Scarab Beetle)

- being a dung beetle (despite the name he's perfectly happy with mushrooms and leaves and everything else, he's actually quite diverse in his diet), he is very good at digging. He actually really likes digging too! Take a little dirt nap

- related to the previous, he loves being COMPRESSED. To mimic the feeling of layers of soil, he'll pile on blankets and pillows until he's satisfied. (During cuddle sessions he is at the very bottom of the pile)

- when it gets cold, his tunneling instinct increases ever so slightly. Not enough for him to start acting different, but he tends to hoard blankets.

Vi:

Leif (Technically a Fungus running on moth hardware, but sometimes old habits die hard lmao), Mothiva, and Yin:

- Bees don't need to 'dance' in order to communicate anymore, but Vi still uses a lot of hand gestures and moves a lot when talking, especially if she's frustrated or feels like she's not communicating well enough. If you bring attention to this, she will get mad.

- When cold, Vi will try to huddle up to bugs nearby. Typically Kabbu, but she's also done it to Maki, Zasp, Celia, and Stratos. (Leif is very jealous of this, but he's already cold, so-)

- they groom their ruffs, wings, and antennae frequently. For starters, this acts as a grounding experience that calms them down, and secondly no one likes having dirt on them. Yin isn't super good at it because she's so young, but she's getting better. Mothiva uses specialized powders and perfumes while doing it, but Leif does it the 'old fashioned way', aka with his spit, lol. Mothiva nearly fainted when she first saw him doing this.

- bright lights (especially artificial ones) can really mess up with their internal clock and GPS. I'd imagine Leif and Mothiva getting really really really lost in the Termite Kingdom and Bee Kingdom because of this.

Maki and Kina:

- they both have amazing reflexes, and they can go from a standstill to moving very quickly in what seems to be an instant

- they will track quick movement instinctually, especially from smaller bugs and critters. Most bugs assume this just shows how observant and skilled they are, when really it's a hunting trait. The two actually find it very embarrassing to suddenly interrupt a conversation when they see something move very quickly out of the corner of their eye and NEED to turn their head to see what it was.

Zasp: (I know the game says he's a potter wasp, but for my writing he's a paper wasp. He doesn't know this though, and assumes he is a potter wasp)

- when anxious, he will grind his mandibles against one another. It almost looks like he's chewing on nothing, and it would kinda be like chewing your lip or grinding your teeth. Chewing on things also helps.

- loves sleeping in little nest-like formations with blankets and pillows. He'd gather up all the bedding material, form a little "wall" with them, and climb in the middle to sleep.

Celia, Gen, and Eri:

- The three of them still use their antennae to help with direction, location, and general senses. This can lead to issues; Gen and Eri have accidentally followed each other for hours (cough cough ant spiral) and Celia, having a broken antennae, is terrible with directions. (If blindfolded, Celia will slowly go in circles)

- Ant Strength baby!!! The three of them are surprisingly strong, and can carry really heavy stuff! To compensate, they're a bit frail (it's why Celia has a shield, and why Gen and Eri rarely get into actual fights).

Levi:

- My man fucking loves Aphid Eggs. Due to the tension between the Ant Kingdom and Ladybugs, he actually doesn't like buying them in public. He usually settles for mushrooms.

- his blood is actually toxic, (something Delilah learned the hard way during a spar) and is sort of a 'last resort' defensive maneuver. If a target can get over being covered in blood, they definitely can't deal with the toxins.

Stratos: (I believe he's a Hercules Beetle)

- He's a technically nocturnal, so he's a little groggy during the day. To others it looks like he's being lazy, when really he's just tired and a little out of it. During the night is when he really shines as a fighter and explorer

- he can dig like Kabbu, but isn't very vocal nor enthusiastic about it. Stratos prefers a shallow little ditch to lay in, which is something he might do if he's really really tired.

Delilah:

- She only actually drinks blood during fights as an attack, or if she's seriously injured and needs a pick-me-up (Stratos will usually step up to the plate for that). She's totally fine with nectar and plant juices and berry juices otherwise. Delilah is aware of the stereotype, and she just kinda rolls her eyes at it.

- Delilah can actually fly like Vi or Zasp. But she prefers to keep this information to herself, as she's worried it'll have people ask her to do more work.

[elfroot-and-laurels-moved]

never gonna pass up a request to infodump about my lotro blorbo hehe. I feel like you probably already know a bit about Ethedis' backstory, but idk how much lol (I never posted a proper bio for her on tumblr but I keep meaning to do that)

Anyway Ethedis is the daughter of everyone's favorite Elf Who Dies In The First 5 Minutes Of The Game, Talagan Silvertongue!

She was just a baby when he died in the fall of Edhelion, (making her just around 350 years old in present time. baby.) and years after that her mother became too consumed by grief and had to sail while Ethedis was still very young. Elrond took her under his wing after that, and under his guidance she became a loremaster. Her story follows the epic line pretty closely after that point, and she gets embroiled in The War very quickly while trying to avenge her father (idk how much more I should say on that front, I'm trying to avoid too many spoilers for any new players who might see this)

Anyway she's generally very bright and cheerful (canonically being one of the tra-la-la-lally elves from The Hobbit), but the epic line inflicts some Big Trauma™ on her pretty quickly, and it only gets worse from there. Soon enough her sunshine-y demeanor becomes less of a natural expression, and more of a mask she has to maintain to keep herself and her allies from falling into despair. She's told that she has an ability to inspire hope in those around her, which becomes a great burden to bear. She gets it into her head that, because fear and despair are weapons of the Enemy, openly expressing her doubts is something she Absolutely Cannot Do. She's told that she is a light in the darkness, a warmth amidst the cold, and she feels that she's not allowed to be anything else.

She has to eventually learn to open up to her friends about her feelings, learn that she's allowed to be sad around them and that her sorrow isn't some malevolent force that will drag down everyone around her, that she's allowed to need help too, and her friends want to help her. Also she's best friends with my other PC and Traumatized Ranger, Tossdir! (thought about sending in his backstory, but I don't know if you've played Before the Shadow yet and his backstory like, entirely consists of spoilers for that lmao)

And some Miscellaneous Facts about her:

She was friends with Corunir before he went to Angmar and the assumed dead, pestering him with questions about Dunedain history and generally dragging him into her shenanigans whenever he was in Rivendell. it was... not very pleasant for her to hear the other Rangers eventually start referring to him in the past-tense whenever she asked about him.

her in-game surname, Silverspring, comes from both of her parents' names (Silver from "Silvertongue" and spring from her mother's name Ethuilas, "spring leaf")

Will Not Stop Befriending Rangers (even though they keep dying and breaking her heart)

she's not a half-elf or anyone who would otherwise be granted Luthien's Choice™. Despite this, I'm going to find some way for her to get into the human afterlife. She and her best friend Tossdir are a set, you see, I cannot separate them. the Power of Friendship can break the rules, as a treat.

She's also friends with Arwen! There's uh, a lot of internal angst with her about that. Wishing she had the same choice Arwen has, then guilt over that jealously, sorrow at the prospect of losing another friend to a mortal fate, all that fun stuff. (because for most of her story she doesn't believe she can achieve a mortality, and only gets that option after Tossdir and Corunir are dead)

consequently, the knowledge that her friends will eventually die is slowly eating her alive <3 (I promised to give her story a happy ending, never said I'd be nice with how I got there)

Ethedis I care you 🩵

[osamusriceballs]

Birthday surprise

Hinata x fem reader

Words: ~ 1,3 k

Warnings: A bit NSFW

About: You have a nice birthday surprise for your boyfie~

A/n: Happy Birthday to our beloved human tangerine. I love him so much and I wish him the bestest birthday ever~

"Shoyo, what are you doing there? You need to get ready."

"Oh, sorry, I'm coming. I was just checking my phone. I got a message from y/n."

Hinata freezes.

A state that is almost unnatural for him. It is indeed a message from you - or rather a picture. With you in it. Barely clothed, wearing only white underwear and orange stockings - as bright as his hair. No words added, just you laying there seductively on his bed in lingerie, presenting your body to the camera in a way that makes all his blood rush south.

Holy... he instantly darkens the screen, quickly looking over his shoulder to see if someone looked at his phone. And indeed, he faces an equally stunned Atsumu, whose eyes are still fixated on Hinata's darkened screen. A few seconds pass and neither of them moves. The only sounds right now come from their teammates who have already started their training. Until Hinata's screen gives up and turns fully black.

"Uhm..." Atsumu awkwardly coughs and looks away, a faint tint of pink on his cheeks. "I guess you're going to have a fun birthday night, Shoyo-kun."

It's impossible for Hinata's face to turn even redder at this point. Even his ears are burning, and he laughs awkwardly to mask his inner panic. "What makes you think that?"

Atsumu's face drops, and Hinata internally wishes to sink into the ground for saying something as stupid as that. Why did he focus more on this instead of just changing the topic? "Do you really want me to say it out loud?" A slight grin now forms on Atsumu's face, and Hinata regrets speaking even more. Damn, he regrets ever learning how to speak at all.

"Please don't-"

"Don't sweat it, Shoyo-kun. I'd be happy to have a girl like y/n send pictures like that. Do you think I'll ever find someone who wears hot stuff in my hair color? Maybe I should go back to black. I like that whole black and lacy stuff, but then I'd look like that ugly shithead Samu. Or red. Red's hot too. I don't know if I'd look good in red. What do you mean, Shoyo-kun?"

While Atsumu is busy rambling, Hinata quickly takes his phone and buries it in his bag. He'll take the time to look at the picture during their break. Probably take his phone with him to the restroom to have a proper look. But even the short glimpse he just had is enough to get him riled up and longing for you. Longing to touch you, to feel the soft fabric and your even softer skin under his fingers. He wants to properly thank you for wearing this set just for him and to hear you softly say his name after he kisses you. He knows he won't be able to focus now because of you.

"Shoyo? Are you listening?" The sudden snarl of the blonde in front of him makes him perk up his head, his cheeks still incredibly warm and red.

"Oh, sure, Miya-san. Red is a nice color."

Atsumu blankly stares at him, and Hinata wonders how long he zoned out. He only faintly remembers Atsumu talking about hair colors. "Yer hopeless."

"What? Did I say something wrong?"

"Don't. And don't ya dare to let my good sets go to waste today. I'll make ya regret it, Shoyo-kun."

Hinata nervously smiles and quickly jogs to the court, ignoring Atsumu right behind him and hoping that he'll forget what he saw. After all, that picture was only meant for his eyes and his eyes alone.

_____________

"Baby, I'm so sorry."

"What happened? Are you okay?"

The stress in Hinata's voice is evident. You don't know if you have ever heard him so depressed before.

"The picture you sent me," he starts, and the blood drains from your face. Your fingers clutch around the phone in your hand tightly, and you involuntarily press the device harder against your ear.

"Did you not like it? I'm sorry, I'll just delete it. We can pretend it never happened. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable." You nervously fidget with the hem of the straps, mentally burning the damn lingerie in a bonfire.

"What? No, no! Don't delete that picture. I've been hard ever since I saw it. I love it."

Your cheeks warm at his sudden confession and the way he casually tells you something explicit. He probably doesn't even realize how hot he sounds.

"It's just... when I opened it, Miya-san was right behind me. He saw it too. I'm so sorry. I know that you trust me, and I don't want to break your trust. Can you forgive me? I would never show these kinds of pictures to my friends. Please believe me!"

It takes you a few seconds to fully understand what he's telling you.

"Baby? Are you still here? Please say something. I didn't- please-"

"Shoyo, it's fine. It's okay. I still trust you. I should have told you that you need to look at the picture in private. I don't mind." You smile at his concern, at the way he's always trying to make everything right, to be the perfect boyfriend. But that sometimes puts a lot of stress on him.

"You know that I love you, right? That won't change a thing. And I'm pretty sure that Miya-san will never mention it, especially not in front of me. Deep down, he's actually very considerate and nice, even though he doesn't often show that side."

The exhale of relief on the other side makes you smile a little, and you're glad that he feels better now.

"I love you too, y/n. Thank you. Thank you for being so patient and understanding with me."

"Hey, it's your birthday after all. I can't be mad at my birthday boy. And, um... I've got some more pictures if you want to see them? I even made a short video of me... um... doing things." You feverishly blush at the end of your words, now clutching the sheets underneath your hand while you wait for his answer.

Hinata's tone is more dark and serious when he answers, and damn, it's always so hot to hear him talk like this. "What kind of things? I think I need to know before you send something. You have to be very specific."

Your breath hitches in your throat, and a slight shiver runs down your body. "I... touched myself. I thought about how you'd do it and touched my breasts, and then rubbed my... clit." You're proud of how steady these words come from you, and he releases a deep breath before he answers.

"Oh? What a good girl you are for me. How about you send me those pictures and videos, and I'll send you some in return? Show you what you do to me. And when I'm home, I want you to show me everything you did again. I need to see if you're properly touching yourself for me when I'm not there. Understand, baby?"

You only manage to nod breathlessly, a soft hum escaping your lips at his words, and the tingling feeling between your legs starts to make your mind dizzy.

"Shoyo, when will you come home? I need you." You can basically hear how he runs his hand through his wild orange hair in frustration because he can't be with you right now.

"Just two more hours. Can you manage, baby? Can you prep yourself for me? And when I come home, I'll get my present, nice and wet for me?"

You nod your head and quickly gasp a "yes-" already anticipating the moment he will come home.

"Such a good girl for me. Such a good girl on my birthday. I have to go, but make sure to send me those pictures, okay? I'll see you soon."

"Okay, Shoyo. I love you."

"I love you more." You quickly select the pictures in your camera roll and press send, only to receive an immediate response consisting of three pictures showing the rock-hard bulge underneath his tight boxers while he has his shirt between his teeth to expose his chest. A quick message follows that almost makes you drop the phone.

"Can't wait to see you, baby."

[mythosidhesdollhouse]

Fair warning up front this post is going to be a bit of a ramble XD

Soooo where to begin? Poor health has put me in a decided weird mood over the last few weeks, which has extended into my recent doll collecting activities. My continuing boredom/dissatisfaction with the current 1/6th-ish fashion doll landscape has pushed me into considering other types of dolls I normally wouldn't pay much attention to. The doll featured in this post, Littlelistas Baby Lily, is a perfect example. As an adult collector I have a rather fraught relationship with baby dolls, for reasons that could (and likely eventually will) be the subject of an entirely separate post, but suffice to say for the most part I tend ignore or even avoid them.

But THIS one. I came across her while I was poking around the Purpose Toys site in search of info about the new wave of Naturalistas, and when I saw her my heart just melted. I've spoken a bit in the past about being mixed and growing up without any Black dolls, and how the internalized racism that fostered has affected me into adulthood. In a way I can't quite articulate my instant connection with this doll felt like another small step towards healing all that. As a child I know I would have absolutely adored this doll...so I bought her, for my younger self.

(More introspective rambling, and some crafty stuff--)

Once baby Lisa, or as I quickly renamed her, Charlotte (Lottie for short) arrived, I was even more charmed by her than I'd been by her stock photos; and beyond that, I started to get inspired. Almost immediately upon unboxing her I began to have ideas for ways to embellish her (regrettable not removable) outfit. I remembered I have a spool of craft lace in a very similar shade of pink, and by the end of the afternoon I had stitched a row of this to the hem of her skirt. But why stop there? After I finished with the lace I sat down to have a dig through my supply stash, assembled an assortment of complimentary beads, and even turned up a small quantity of ribbon roses to add to the mix.

(I changed out the white seed beads for pink ones I found after I took this photo)

Below you can see the additional progress I've made over the past couple of days. It's slow-going, but honestly hand-stitched beading and applique is a welcome change from crochet, which I must confess I've been growing rather bored with as well. This little side project is a fun variation from my typical crafting outlet. I used to do this sort of thing all the time to embellish my embroidery projects, but since my vision has become increasingly worse with age it's been quite awhile since I made use of my needlework skills. I've missed it.

Not quite sure where I plan to go from here--it's been a bad fatigue day so I'm having a rest while I ponder what I want to add next. In a way it feels like I'm making this doll 'special' as a gift to my inner child, which sounds unbelievably cringe as I write it, and yet is probably the most genuine sentiment I've had in quite some time. The past few years have been a huge learning curve for me as I figure out how to have patience with myself as I get used to navigating life with chronic illness/disability, and maybe giving myself space to do this kind of slow, contemplative, relatively simple project is part of that process as well. Healing the child and the cantankerous middle-aged woman at the same time XD

[spacenintendogs]

glad you're feeling better !!! for drawing requests i'd love to see some of your au stuff – i know this isnt very specific but maybe a scene/event you like to think about a lot? i just rly love ur au :D

what do you do when the backbones of your friend group nearly end their friendship?

tuffnut and fishlegs were friends before anyone else in the gang. as kids they lived a few doors down from each other & often ran into each other at a local playground. tuff's outgoing & curious nature helped fishlegs feel more confident in exploring & they could discover things together. fishlegs' sensitive & skittish nature drew tuffnut in & got tuff to slow down every so often. they have more opposite approaches when it comes to learning & as little kids, they just LOVE learning. fishlegs being quiet also helped tuff find someone to confide in, while tuff being louder helped fishlegs find someone who can teach him how to stand up for himself.

as they become friends with the rest of the gang (tuff already has ruff obv but!!) they find they have less in common than they thought & while they still care & hang out, it's no where near the same as when they were little. esp once they're teenagers.

by the time they're 14 they've basically become friends but wouldn't rlly hang out with each other alone or confide in the other.

tuff & ruff obv aren't the types to hold back in their comments towards the others & in the shows even make fun of fishlegs for his weight/tend to go off on side tangents that seem irrelevant to the topic at hand. this hurts & annoys fishlegs. fishlegs (as well as the others in the group) tend to get snippy & make snide comments abt the twins being stupid & brushing them off when they try to contribute. this hurts & annoys tuffnut, esp bc as they grow older, fishlegs gives off a "know-it-all" attitude.

they're both internally bitter & don't understand what changed between them from when they were kids. why they seen to have disdain towards each other. it reaches its breaking point when they're in college. it's not fishlegs who snaps, it's tuffnut.

fishlegs rolls his eyes at a comment tuffnut makes & it's the final straw. tuffnut just asks "do we have a problem?" and it opens a whole can of worms, esp bc it was in front of the entire gang & ends with tuffnut & fishlegs storming off (ruffnut hesitantly going with tuffnut out of pure shock of what just happened).

& now every time the gang hangs out or goes to work at the sanctuary & tuff & fishlegs are there, it's just tension. they give the silent treatment towards each other. the rest of the gang feel stuck bc they feel like they are being forced to pick sides & try their best in hanging out with everyone but maybe not having tuff or fishlegs there with each other & it's a hassle. hiccup & astrid try to get them to stop being stubborn & talk it out. snotlout is completely lost & can't help but make it abt how it's affecting him bc he doesn't know what else to do. ruffnut is supportive towards tuffnut, having heard him talk abt his frustrations with fishlegs for years at this point, but does try to push tuffnut to talk it out with fishlegs, too, albeit, not as hard as hiccup & astrid.

reconciliation only comes when tuffnut & fishlegs are scheduled to close the sanctuary together alone (not on purpose, it's just how everyone's schedules lined up & the rest of the gang dreaded that it could be the true final straw).

while closing, tuff sees barf and belch haven't moved since the afternoon when he arrived (& even since the morning when astrid & hiccup opened the sanctuary). he checks & sees the dragons haven't eaten or drank any water all day either. he panicks and gets the first person he can think of, which is fishlegs.

they both work together in discovering a few of the zipplebacks, including barf and belch, have come down with vorpentitis, due to a venomous vorpent getting into the pen. they quickly gather potatoes (the cure is known & had here, unlike book 4 of the httyd books... sorry for spoilers there lol). it's during this that they both feel regret & after everything has calmed that they apologize to each other, more calmly explain their sides of the story, and hug each other for the first time since they were kids.

they'll never go truly back to where they were as kids, they've crossed too many thresholds. too much has changed. but they can work on what they have now & it'll be equally as strong.

[blue-b-bro]

I don't think Ed would abuse Stede

I don't know why it's so controversial to talk about Ed's tendencies towards abuse. Like, it's nothing new, that people often copy their parents behavior. It's sad, yes, but also good choice to write him like that, because it's more realistic. We also know he was surrounded by violence his whole life and so has rather skewed perception of what is "going too far". Add emotional detachment or compartmentalization as coping mechanizm and we have a really interesting, well crafted character to work with.

I'm not saying he's going to mutilate his every partner or that Izzy was so bad, that's why he had it so bad. I'd say Izzy's case was really extreme. It was a mix of Ed's mental breakdown, suicidal tendencies and Izzy's lack of resistance (I'm not blaming Izzy, they're both just messed up). Ed literally wanted Izzy to kill him, so it's no surprise he started to act like the worst monster he could imagine - his father. Not even sure he was conscious of his reasoning.

Ed has showed many times that he react to being hurt or stressed by violence or throwing stuff. Judging from Izzy's reaction to being punched in e9 it's nothing new. They're pirates, they fight from time to time, that's how it usually works. So Ed being violent isn't making him the worst human being suddenly.

I'd say Ed got his explosive emotional reactions from home and violence from his life experience, toxic masculinity etc. It's no surprise his auto destructive spiral became everyone else's problem.

So, if Ed won't spiral so bad as in s2, I wouldn't be worried about Stede's toes. Additionally Stede's outsider status encourages Ed to try to act differently. There's also that pressure in the back of his head, that he has to be soft to be with Stede, and realistically it wouldn't just disappear overnight. So there's that to unpack.

On Stede's part - he had, surprisingly, similar experiences: he was the target of violence and felt he need to kill to be respected, to participate in the violence he so desperately wants to run away from. The difference is that Stede internalizes his emotions. Stede would rather run away, hide or freeze, than fight in stressful situations. He only fights to protect.

Stede is rather fine with dealing with Ed's emotions: he knows that under the aggression is actually hurt or shame. It's Ed who has to learn about Stede now, because, as we saw, Stede still didn't say much about himself, other that he regrets a lot of things. We know, that in situation of danger Stede would protect Ed even for the cost of his mental state, but what would happen if Stede was stressed/scared/upset without Ed in danger? Would Ed notice? Would Stede let him? Ok, silly me, we know from s2e6 he wouldn't. Stede wants to give Ed everything, would gladly destroy himself for him, but won't let him inside. Scared, still scared Ed wouldn't want the real him.

So they have to unpack those insecurities and I have no idea if it would end in calm conversation or another disaster, really. But Ed probably wouldn't hurt Stede, he doesn't want to show his "evil" side to him (he may destroy some furniture from frustration tho). He would probably run away again. We saw in e7, when the conversation started to turn into a fight Ed quickly backed off. He would rather go away than to show that part of him to Stede. Just as Stede won't let Ed see him panicked and having a meltdown.

[thelanor-s-astame]

Hollow Knight Resurrected really helped me get out of a massive writing slump when it started releasing, and has since been a huge boost of inspiration for the past couple of years. This series has been nothing but a lot of fun to watch, and I've enjoyed it alongside your analyses as well (especially the Ori ones, those are a riot).

That being said, which episode would you say you're the most proud of script-wise? And how long did you initially plan HKR to be early on? Did anything deviate from your initial ideas?

Absolutely love hearing this! I'm real glad I could make something that could inspire someone else's writing! Like, it's shocking to me! And I'm sorry for the lack of updates. My entire life kinda imploded last year and I've been trying to put it back together. But I do intend to finish this thing (I've also been learning how to animate in blender which is a huuuuuge door opener that kind of allows me to do literally anything, including a few scenes that I just had no idea how I was gonna do.) So as far as script-wise, Absolutely gotta be the Grimm special. A lot of the episodes have Charlie just walking around and most of those bits are just jokes that came to my brain while either playing to get the footage, or while I'm looking at it on a timeline. Whereas most of the dialogue bits are the ones I write. The Grimm Special, is mostly dialogue. So that *entire thing* was script, which I hadn't done before, and on top of that it was enough script to fill almost 90 minutes! There's also just a lot going on, particularly w/regaurd to generational differences and how each of the Troupe deals with Grimms Plan and how it absolutely isn't going to pan out. And it changed pretty quickly from early on just because I didn't have a hellova lot of initial ideas. Like the first time charlie mentions getting to "The Bottom" is in like the 3rd episode. I didn't think to give the boy a goal until halfway through editing that one lmao. Most everything else has gone according to plan. Biggest surprise was actually the Grimm episode because until a month before I made it I had no fuckin' clue what to do with Grimm and His Boys until I remembered a throwaway line I gave to cloth about the "Iridescent Neo-streetfighting movement" (A play on the Italian Neo-realist movement. Because all of the fighting history is just simplified film history I put new words on top of And was like "You know, I could just take that and make that Grimms Circus act... But if that's the case... well so after that the big thing the Italian Film Industry got into was Spagetti Westerns, and then a little later Giallo so... Oh fuck Rodeos and Giallo is just The Weird Bloody Fighting Grimm Does for An Audience" And went from there. But aside from that there hasn't honestly been a tone of deviation from the original ideas I'd set in place since episode 3. Mostly I've just added bits and pieces here and there. Exept for maybe a lot of Hornet's stuff. This was meant to be a quick, few episode series as a prelude to the Silksong Videos i was Bound to have been finished with by now lmaaaaaaao Some stuff in particular was this idea that Hornets deal is that she can essentially See the internal song of someone, and that was going to be, like, a huge combat thing. Similar to how Charlie keeps changing his name, Hornet would keep trying to find a different song. Bringing back the My Body Is A Cage meme, and eventually having it switch to Swimmers by Zero 7 as she realizes she found her home and is ready to move on from Hallownest. I was going to make the Silksong videos the First Series Like This I did. But it's taking it's time and so am I so I s'pose I can't complain. Swear I'm the only human being on the planet who wipes a little sweat off my brow every time we *don't* get a release date. It's like "OH THERE'S STILL TIME FOR ME TO FINISH MY THING!"

[tanglewoodpetz]

So Much Happening

Okay, so in the petz community there's

Witzy's Showing Challenge - which I've already earned enough points for stamps, and I'm back up to 35 points which is enough to claim a Mystery Petz Box (5 petz) (20 points) or a Hexed Rainbow Palette Dane. (25 points). But the thing was supposed to get people to start showing, so I feel a little bad claiming things besides the stamps because I was already showing. The danes don't feel like a have-to-have but I'm also worried about FOMO (fear of missing out).

October is Dahlia's breed focus Mutt competition in PSC

It's also apparently Siamese breed focus too in PSC

Duke Group's Fall Festival is going on, and while I am participating in the box trap and the apple bobbing, and I've already done the wordsearch and guessed for the items in the jar. I want to do the baking thing by Bunni because her Russian Blue hexes are adorable but I just haven't had the spoons.

Whiskerwick has the Trick or Treat thing going, and I need to make a "house" picture of some kind for it. And stuff to give out! I've got a litter of black and orange cats, but I'd like to have some stamps for the event too.

Petz Life has the Advent Prep that I'd like to make stuff for too, but it's a bit intimidating because people are talking about donating hundreds of litters and so many hexed pets. I'm still doing small stuff, and most of the litters I select about 4 or so pups or kittens from. I think they said something like 7-14 pets in a litter? I don't even know what the Advent thing is, but it seems like it's time based first-serve sort of thing and apparently things go really quickly?

In the more personal side of things

October sucks. We lost my Eowyn on 10/9/21 and her brother Jet on 10/21/23.

We recently learned our next oldest cat, Salem (he just turned 14) still has elevated thyroid levels even on a high dose of medication morning and night. Tomorrow we go to a Internal Medicine vet to see what might be done for him. And he's got a lump on his head. (Eowyn had cancer on her head/in her nose which started as a little lump on her forehead.) but Salem's lump is bony, so I've just had something else to worry about for two weeks since his last vet appointment and (we noticed the lump the day after his appointment).

I told my husband that if we loose another cat in October, we're just not going to acknowledge the month anymore. It'll be August-September-September-November. I don't care if the days don't line up. Just no more Octobers.

[marengogo]

Glorious Freedom

Desire In Silence - by Hong Eun Ji  [The Glory, Pt.2 (Original Soundtrack from the Netflix Series)]

[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]

–🐺–🐺–🐺–

Okay, let’s get the shitty stuff out of the way real quick. I’m still not well, turns out that what I thought was something which would pass with some rest, wasn’t that at all. Hence, the time has come to let the heavy-duty doctors do some heavy-duty doctoring. Luckily enough, I was able to get an appointment for next week because I am going private, had it been public it was a 3 months wait and, yeah; no. So let’s wait and see.

NOW, while I’m not in pain, and my mind is somewhat clear, please allow me to quickly wax poetic over the combined total of 36 seconds which we were bestowed, between the Teaser 1 and Teaser 2, of Set Me Free Pt. 2. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about them and for some reason, every time I see Park Jimin staring at us in that way, I can’t help but think of Moon Dong-eun; the main character from The Glory.

In fact the whole of Teaser 1, in particular the choir CHILLS, all make me evoke the theme upon which the Glory stands. If you haven’t watched it yet, I highly advise it, so while not spoiling it let me explain how Moon Dong Eun is a woman who is out for the blood of those who hurt her, she is trying to find away to hopefully be happy but above all she seeking Glory for herself and for those who also were hurt but couldn’t attain happiness. Moon Dong-Eun is on a mission and life has been heavy, but one thing she learned how to understand and use is Time.

As we all know Park Jimin has had, and probably still has, his fair share of suffering, be it physical or/and mental. He’s also battled with external and internal forces, this also being physical or/and mental. That we are knowledgeable of, he’s had at least 10 good years of it and in a way, even though he may not be looking for "blood", he’s also learned to understand and use Time. Differently from the other members thus far, each of his promotional material, such as the FACE release schedule itself, has been very carefully calculated.

Park Jimin has chosen this particular time in his life to talk to us. He is not going to force people to listen to him, and he doesn’t particularly strike me as someone who likes to repeat himself twice. The presence of contemporary dancers (emotional expression), the choir (external forces), the circular/semi circular “stage” (mental environment), all make me think of a theatrical performance. This  is an opera, JImin’s Opera, and we are all invited to witness this tale that he has meticulously woven for us. 

Remember how upon seeing the tracklist I thought that Set Me Free pt.2 felt like a continuation of Lie?

Caught in s lie

Find the me that was pure

I can’t be free from this lie

Give me back my smile

Caught in a lie

Pull me from this hell

I can’t be free from this pain

Save me, I am being punished

If so why not call it Lie pt. 2 instead? Though he does talk about not being free, the lyrics are very much focused on the feeling of pain. GRANTED we yet do not know what Set Me Free pt.2 talks about, AND AS ALWAYS THIS ALL JUST ME RAMBLING WHAT'S IN MY HEAD, it feels to me like he is now over the pain, and not because it doesn’t hurt anymore, but because he is just numb to the feeling, numb to all that are irrelevant noises, be them external or/and internal “noises”.

So will he find freedom at the end of this masterpiece?  What is the main genre within Jimin’s Opera? Will WE survive it all? Only Time will tell …

So nervously yours,

Marengo.

[unofficialarchives]

Statement of Sabrina Petrikoff regarding a concert she attended with a friend in 2016. Statement verbatim from subject. Go ahead, Ms. Petrikoff. From the beginning.

Do I just.. sorry, do I talk into it? Or.. am I supposed to write something down..? No, No, I'll just.. state.. my statement. Yeah. And if it's wrong, or doesn't record you people can call me back and have me say it alll over again, although I.. really wouldn't want to waste your time twice. *sighs* from the beginning..? I suppose.. alright, well.. Brenda was a strange girl. She stood out in class, kept to herself, and overall was quiet. Most of us at least went to the school pep rallies.. But not Brenda. No, she.. just seemed to disappear those days if she came at all. So you see, I didn't really talk to her until we were paired together on a science project, that we had to present after the weekend. So, when end of day came friday and we hadn't really finished it, I invited her over to my house the next day. We worked on the project diligently, and quietly for a few hours, before Brenda sheepishly said thank you for having me, and went home. It still wasn't finished, so I asked if she wanted to finish it up at her house the next day. She frantically agreed. So.. I went over. I waited for her, in her room. I scanned the room after a while, struggling to sit still for that long. I noticed she had.. some textbooks on her book shelf. They seemed to mostly center around science.. and.. human anatomy. Ny first thought was that Brenda had simply forgotten to return them, and upon opening one and seeing well worn pages, I felt vindicated. Until, that is, I saw the writing in the margins, and the scattered notes stuffed between pages. I flipped to the front as she walked into the door, and realized these weren't library books. They were hers. When she realized what I had in my hands, her whole face lit up, as though she had only just come alive and she asked excitedly 'Do you like anatomy too?' I didn't, not really, but seeing her like that, hearing this excitement rush forth from her in a way I'd never seen before, I said 'yes, but..I haven't been sure where to start.' She sat down next to me, and we spent the next few hours talking about human anatomy, things like which bones are hollow, and why, and which ones aren't - She said she always found it odd we didn't have more hollow bones like birds. I didn't understand why but.. I know she wouldn't feel the same now.

I learned quickly she had a keen interest in anatomy and science, and that she was kind of a nerd, and this explained why she had such a hard time making friends, why she stood out, and why she disappeared during rallies. She'd slip off to the library to read up or study instead. I left, a big smile on my face, and I realized we hadn't actually finished our project. I called her, and did my best to explain that we hadn't finished and needed to present it the next day - She told me not to worry, the project would be done, and to just read from my agreed upon section the next day. So.. I did. Sure enough, it was finished and we got an A on the project. After that, we started to become friends. She told me more about anatomy, and I told her about history, so when she pointed out that my wrists seemed stiff, and that I was having issues, I listened. My carpal tunnel was diagnosed shortly thereafter. When she suggested I favored my left side, I looked into it and learned I had tendon issues in my left knee. She'd called it before any doctor could've. My point is, she really knew her stuff. I learned her favorite color was green, her favorite food was burgers, and her favorite bone was the radius, and of course.. her favorite band. The Corset Interns - She'd asked me if I knew them. I did, but none of my other friends knew. They were all preppy, and wouldn't understand the appeal of a rock/indie band. So when we saw a post online advertising that they were coming to play in our town, we jumped at the opportunity to see them live. We begged our parents, and worked hard, until finally we'd earned our tickets. The opener was going to be some.. other indie band I hadn't heard of. Poppet. At the time, we just assumed that it would be a band with a similar sound, to really amp up the crowd for the concert. But about a week prior to the concert, Brenda asked me if I'd found anything else online to support Corset Interns coming down, or Anything at all on Poppet - I hadn't. I once again assured her that it was pretty normal not to see anything, as the Corset Interns were pretty underground, and didn't typically post anything about their concerts until after the fact. She nodded, and then went back to the opener. 'I'd understand if they were up and coming, but then wouldn't they want to have a large online prescence..?' I shrugged. I honestly didn't care much, I was just excited to go see Corset Interns with her. She sort of left it alone, until a few days later. 'Sabrina - Psst, Sabrina! The Corset Interns aren't coming. They're not playing here.' She shook her head, looking worried. 'What do you mean? We've already bought our tickets, of course they are' I fired back hotly. 'Sabrina please, just look at this okay?' She showed me a post by some rando online, saying that they'd be playing across the country in a different town the night we were meant to be going. I laughed softly. 'Probably just rumors, or someone bitter they couldn't make it out. At worst, it's someone who's been misinformed.' I said trying to reassure her. She nodded, hesitantly. 'Yeah..you're probably right. Still. Let's ask my mom if she can be on standby in case we need her to come pick us up, okay?' I nodded this time. I doubted Mrs. Johnson would like it, but if it made Brenda feel more comfortable, I wasn't going to fight her on it. After all, it was her first concert with a friend. Of course she'd be nervous, right? The night of the concert, her mum fell ill. Bed ridden. I asked if she wanted to cancel, I even said I wouldn't go without her - but she insisted, though she was clearly shaken and pale when we picked her up. My mum dropped us off, and Brenda reminded me to set up a just in case ride, and I told her I would - But.. I didn't. I wish I had. If I had maybe she - We went. Anyways. Found our seats, and settled in, and as the lights dimmed, we heard Mother - Lead singer of the Corset Interns, personally welcoming us.

[lacefuneral]

real talk though i'm getting. very good at understanding disco elysium's mechanics. and like. i DO want to help people but also. the point of disco elysium IS failure. and the correct way to play (imo) is to completely bumble around confused on ur first playthrough unless you get stuck/confused.

but like. i know how to make hundreds upon hundreds of real very easily. i know what thought projects do what. i have the skills of the clothing memorized so i don't even really need to check them (unless i'm making sure i don't have debuffs.) i've learned that, paradoxically, despite its name, Hardcore Mode is actually easier than standard Disco because you earn more EXP, which means more skill points, which means more skill buffing and thought projects. i've learned one of the most useful thought projects is Caustic Echo because upon completion it gives you extra skill points.

because i know the murder mystery and the sequences of events that need to take place to advance the story, and what special events happen on what days, i have a mental checklist of "okay i'll do this quest, then this one, then this one, then this one." and i'm able to zip around martinaise very quickly

i know what checks i should fail on purpose if i want extra content (always fail checks with siilang. always. then pass them. you get more stuff from him). i know what is safe to sell at the pawn shop and what isn't.

but i am so. so glad. that i didn't know this stuff during my first playthrough. my first playthrough of disco elysium? that lasted several real-world weeks. where i'd pick it up for a little bit, explore, try to solve the mystery, and then put it down again.

now, if i'm determined, i can beat a single game of disco within a few hours, probably. but i don't like to do that. i like to explore every single inch of the world i can. i try experiments. "what happens if i internalize every single ideology?" and "if i do drugs where kim can't see me, does he know?" and "what happens if i choose this dialogue option i have never chosen in any previous playthrough."

the cool thing, too, about disco is that there are hundreds (thousands?) of so-called "passive checks." this means that, for example, if you have high Encyclopedia, sometimes encylopedia will chime in and give you lore about the world. but it's an invisible dice roll. you can have "max stats" through save manipulation on a PC, but still not get all of the passive checks. because disco runs on a Critical Pass and Critical Fail dice system. if the (invisible) dice roll snake eyes, you don't get the passive check. and you don't even know that there's one there.

i got a Shivers check this most recent playthrough that actually made me gasp aloud, because it references a different part of the game. and that was the first time i'd ever seen it! in all 7 iterations i have played so far!

every. single. save file of disco elysium. is personalized. every single one.

[thetreetopinn]

I've been considering learning how to sew recently--not by hand, I can do a little of that already. I'm not great at it. My hands shake too much to be good at it--essential tremors fucking suck. But using a sewing machine seems like something that could be useful or even dare I say it... fun.

My mom has an old Bernina machine from like... 1970. It's a workhorse. All metal internal parts, heavy duty construction. The thing would probably be worth $1000 if it was sold new today. She has a second machine from around the same time that belonged to my grandmother and she's suggested that I could have it if I wanted it.

I'm intimidated by my mom's sewing machine, and by extension, my grandmother's.

So, I thought I'd follow Adam Savage's advice for folks just getting into a new hobby/skill. Buy the cheapest equipment you can find so you can practice and learn on that before you sink any real money into better gear. I've been looking around online and you can found sewing machines for like $100. Sure they probably don't last too long and they probably get bogged down a lot. I guarantee you they're not as good as my mom's Bernina. But it's good for practice, right? Develop some basic skills before you move on to the big toys?

This is why you buy a kid who's just learning to drive an old beater that doesn't matter if it hits a fence or gets dinged or whatever, so long as the kid is safe and is learning to drive. You don't give a 16 year old a brand new luxury SUV as their first car. They have to learn the basics first.

I went to a fabric store today to look at what machines were available, maybe ask someone who knows more about this stuff than me what their opinion was. They were super busy and I didn't want to waste anyone's time, so I just stood there staring at the sewing machines. They didn't have any on display like they used to. Just the boxed up units ready for sale.

I would rather learn on a cheap $100 machine and break something THERE rather than learn on a seriously piece of equipment and break THAT... because I know I will. It's what I do. I ruin things. I break things. I make things worse.

I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't buy anything. I talked myself out of the whole idea. Because I know myself. I have a habit of trying something new and then giving it up very quickly after starting because I lose interest or I feel like I'm not good enough at it to keep going.

I left the store feeling like a fucking failure and I've been in a sour funk every since.

I fucking hate my brain. I hate that I get this way. I hate that it's so fucking easy to push me into depression. Virtually no effort required.

Can someone please tell me that I'm not the only one who ends up feeling like this about stupid, inconsequential shit like this?

I feel like I'm insane or broken or something... like I'm un-fucking-fixable.

[phdmama]

heeeyyyyy what do you mean by curation criteria?

anon I'm ngl at first I had no idea what this meant, but then I remembered my tags on this post.

So usual caveat, these are my thoughts as I'm currently thinking, and are not a judgement on how other people choose to navigate the world (unless you're, like, sending death threats on anon or whatever).

Behind a cut because as usual, I rambled.

So for me, the phrase I internalized from @cuethetommo is "curate your own experience," meaning, all of this on tumblr pretty much is OPT-IN. I control my own dash. Sure, sometimes I see stuff I don't like or that makes me uncomfortable or whatever, but that's life in the world, baby, and it's not other people's job to protect me. As an adult on the internet, it's my job to manage my own experience which includes managing any uncomfortable (or worse) feelings that might get stirred up by what I see. There is no safe space on the public internet.

The day I realized I could just unfollow blogs that posted stuff I didn't like was HUGE for me (as a point of reference, my own personality is very anxious, very loyal to the point of pathology, and desperately afraid of hurting anyone's feelings so I'd follow blogs and then realize their content wasn't for me but stick around). Probably other people already know this, or never needed to learn it.

I unfollow. I block. I make very very liberal use of tag and content filtering because it puts me in charge of deciding if I want to see something or not. And I strongly encourage people to do the same. I try to tag my specific fandom stuff because I know not everyone is interested in 911 or hockey or any of the many other things I'm into (see pathologically loyal above - I fall into hyperfixations easily, leaving is hard).

So my curation criteria continue to evolve as I sit with any uncomfortable feelings that might come up from what I'm seeing (this isn't like, a huge process or anything, I just take note of that "oh dear" sensation and respond fairly quickly). I used to force myself to stick with things I didn't enjoy because... I don't know. All of my own stuff. But like, this is my recreation space. Why on earth would I do that to myself?

So I unfollow/block/filter as the situation warrants and move on. And I'm very deliberately not writing any specifics about what those filter terms might be or the content I don't like, because it's not important. Other people get to enjoy those things, post those things, interact with those things! And more power to 'em. I mean that really sincerely. I just don't see the point of seeking out things that I don't like.

Life is hard enough, you know?

[kindaoptimisticsquirrel]

Trigun Bookclub Trimax Vol8 Part1

Vol01: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3  | Vol02: Part 1 | Part 2

Trimax: Vol01 Part 1 Vol01 Part 2 | Vol02 Part 1 Vol02 Part 2 |

Vol 03 Part 1 | Vol03 Part2 | Vol04 Part1 | Vol04 Part2 | Vol05 |

Vol06 | Vol07 | Vol08 Part1

As a warning, I will start babbling about Vashwood in this volume (though not really in this part yet) and then probably in all volumes to come, too. Obviously because I love the pairing but also because their relationship is so important and impactful, and this volume marks such an important milestone.

What I really like in Vash and the talk between him and Knives at the start of Chapter 1 is, that Vash also acknowledges the pain and abuse that humans have inflicted upon the Plants. He totally understands Knive's anger and why he acts that way, but the kind sides of the humans that Vash was witness to as well, Knives never got the chance to learn. And if you'd try to show kindness to him now, he wouldn't appreciate or even see it.

Not the face of someone who's happy to be back with his old crew obviously. (Sometimes some drawings of Wolfwood make him look so much less bulky and more fragile and like the tiny Wolfwood, like here on the right...maybe because we can't see these huge shoulders. I like that!)

Still trying to live by Vash's and now his ideals, even though there's no way these soldiers are gonna get back out of this alive anyway...and how he stubbornly doesn't answer Chapel...(Meanwhile Livio is thinking "Nice! Free banquet! *continues to slaughter the men*)

Oh my boy you've come such a long way :'(

The whole rest of the talk between Knives and Vash at the end of ch1 was a great character insight, and next to what lots of other people already said I wouldn't know what to add to that. So I'm just choosing to save these panels here, sums it up pretty nicely and we get to see the two brothers in a nice comparison!

Chapter 2:

Please take my boy out of this situation. He clearly doesn't want to be there. (the way Wolfwood looks so much not-in-control of the situation....oh man)

Make a pirouette, and I'll give you a 10/10 for this jump, Knives.

If some had not been aware until now, at this point at the latest everybody will have noticed that Nightow doesn't fuck around with depicting some traumatic and cruel stuff. (And boy does he know how to do it)

There are so many awesome pages in these later volumes that I'm basically just copying whole pages in these posts here but HOLY COW doesn't this look epic.

And the whole time, Vash is unable to do anything. At least he's giving Legato a hard time, too.

That above panel damn. And look how it's killing Wolfwood internally. He's seeing all those evil deeds done by the arc, helping alongside Chapel now too, probably, and then he's already got the guild of bringing Vash here to get him trapped....all just because he wants to save his home and the kids there but BOY is it killing him inside. It sucks when you have to be the bad guy to save the ones you care about.

Also, the turn the story takes at this point, with everything falling into chaos so quickly...it's gotten very quickly so much darker now. I do like dark stories too so I was enjoying this with anticipation how it could get resolved when I read this for the first time. Still, very tough stuff to digest.

And then, of course, omg these girls appear again!!! You go!!! However you managed to survive, you're looking well. I'm also glad Luida is still here too ♥

Chapter 3:

If I'm ever in need for a mechanic and had to choose from the Trigun cast you know I'd go for Brad. Look how crafty he looks with that..drill...thingy. Leaking faucets, here's your mortal enemy!

THANK YOU Luida. Yes, Vash has dangerous powers, but he's also Vash and you all owe him so much!! Not letting some fear prevent you from trusting in him!

Wolfwood awoooing at the moon, just like his name says. Also, this was the scene where the plants memories are being shown, and I love that we actually get to see something from their view! The way it's done, with only same-size panels from the same view is also the perfect way to make that clear.

Super neat way to show how all these different memories and plant consciousnesses (?) are breaking him apart

Please look at our queen in all her murderous glory.

oh god oh god oh god (I'm reading this for the 12234th time but still)

oh god OH YES

[lovequinn]

i cannot break my tradition so here is the annual mushy new years eve post

(first a quick sidebar: i started doing these end of year posts in 2018 i think? i tried to go back today and find all the ones i'd written previously and it just really sank in how different everything is, both internally and externally. obviously i was very aware of that to a degree already, but actually reading the way i spoke about myself and my life is so out-of-body. i was 20 when i wrote one of these for the first time; i'd just dropped out of college, i was grasping on to anything and anyone that made me feel like i belonged or gave me any sort of direction. it's bittersweet to see, because i was trying so hard to be happy when i wasn't, and i wish i could go back and tell that person that it's gonna be fine. i like making these posts because i like to think it's a way of writing to that version of myself and saying hey...here's how we're doing now.)

2023 was, personally, the best year of my life.

this was the year i woke up one morning and said fuck it, i'm tired of not doing what i need to do to make myself happy. i'm tired of being scared to make the decisions i want to make. i'm tired of using "i'm still growing up and figuring out what i'm doing" (i wrote about this a lot in january here) as an excuse to not take the leap and figure it out on my terms.

this was the year that i embraced myself and my identity fully for the first time, even if it's something still ever-changing. it took me until 2022 to acknowledge and accept that i wasn't a cis woman, but i still clung to making myself okay with she/her pronouns in addition to my preferred they/them and avoiding using the word "trans" at all costs. 2023 is the year i started to wear the trans label with pride and i slowly, surely, shook away the parts of me that were afraid of change. i'm still working on that daunting concept of letting other people have insight into the most vulnerable parts of who you are, and i feel like i always will be, but i am millions of miles ahead of where i was twelve months ago when it comes to being confident about what i want and what i need in that respect.

a lot of that is due to the people i surrounded myself with this year. i have had the immense privilege of forming friendships with some of my heroes, and conversely, of watching some longtime friends become heroes. the people that i hold closest to me at the end of 2023 are people who i got to watch advocate for themselves and for others all year long, be that through picket lines, through strength in their personal life, through layoffs, through championing for marginalized people in media, etc. i am so lucky to have the chance to learn from these people and how they live their lives every day. and i find myself lately waking up grateful that i feel cared for and loved by the people i've chosen, in ways i didn't know i could be.

2023 was the year that i connected with the things i love more than i've ever gotten to before. entirely gone is any lingering shame i had about enjoying media, fandoms, stories. getting excited about stuff is cool, actually, and life is short. i had a conversation with an actor i admire and adore so much who said that it's incredibly stupid to pretend to be inhuman and above having things that bring us joy, and i took that to heart. i got to do things like attend premieres and work on promotion for things i'm obsessed with, and i was unabashed about my love for what i choose to consume. this fall, one of the first people i saw after making a terrifying cross-country move was my idol growing up, who i'd crossed paths with a bunch already earlier in the year. that person told me how proud they were of me (and followed up later with a message repeating that) and in a way, that made my teenage self feel so, so proud of me too.

in that vein...this was the year that "i know i would be happy moving to LA, but that's a pipe dream for someday" quickly became closing my eyes, taking a breath, and making the leap. most of the process still feels like it was a blackout, honestly. out of nowhere i had suddenly packed my entire life into a car, left the only place i've been my entire life, and drove 41 hours on my own to an apartment i'd rented without seeing and a roommate i'd never met in person. it was the best decision i've ever made. something that had always felt out of place finally clicked into where it was supposed to be. i adopted a cat on impulse two weeks after moving and with that as the cherry on top...i just truly have spent the last several months finally feeling that wholehearted fulfillment other people talk about and that i never totally understood.

there's so, so much more i could write about, from trips to disneyland, to parties, to relationships. but this is getting so long already, so i'll just add some pictures below and leave it at: i am so thankful for 2023. i am so excited for 2024. let's see what it brings, good or bad.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

So TW medical bitterness, cancer, hysterectomy, abnormal periods, mental health, past abuse. I just want to encourage others with my story, I guess.

Since 2018, I knew something was wrong with my uterus, but I figured I was just young and didn't know stuff yet. I developed late emotionally/physically, like not even getting anything near a stereotypical period until I was 22, even though I'd been spotting since 12.

I started bleeding a lot and never really stopped, even with a fist-sized blood clot that nearly made me pass out. But I got on birth control for the anemia and they said it would reset my reproductive system.

Which for a lot of people it does! Not so for me.

Fast forward to 2020, and I'm in the hospital for a pulmonary embolism that was caused by the very same birth control that kept me from bleeding to death. I asked to get a hysterectomy because something ain't right.

They told me that I being was dramatic and swapped me to progesterone-only birth control. I didn't stop asking though.

Fast forward again to 2022, last November, and I got on antidepressants for the first time. Honestly, it's amazing no longer having a maelstrom of ADHD, anxiety (thanks hospital stay), and depression in my head where I feel lost.

But then I started bleeding again. The antidepressants overrode my birth control. So I quickly switched to another antidepressant and got into the gynecologist who put me on a progesterone booster.

They did an ultrasound and get this, in the 3 days I bled, my body made 19 mm of uterine lining. 19! A month later when I went back to see how much had been dissolved by the higher dose of meds (as is supposed to happen), I was only down to 16 mm of lining!

Obviously, it's not working and I produce far more than should be possible. NO SHIT.

Anyway, so March of this year, I had a D&C surgery. They scrape out my uterus and send all the contents to the lab for testing.

LO AND BEHOLD, TWO WEEKS LATER I AM CALLED IN BETWEEN NORMAL PATIENTS AND TOLD THAT I HAVE UTERINE CANCER.

The only thing I cried about was that I no longer have to fight to get the hysterectomy because it's now seen as a lifesaving operation instead of "convenience".

I'm the one driving this meat suit and I told them there was something wrong for YEARS.

So, in 8 days (April 27th, 2023, since I don't know when this will get shared), I get a hysterectomy and my life back. All the risks of birth control, the weight gain, so much will be gone and I can lower doses on my other meds.

Yes, I'm fat and they can blame as much as they want on that fact, but now that the causes of my overeating are finally getting fixed, I'm losing said weight and I will finally be free.

I'm a subset of asexual with sexual abuse trauma, so while I know the big choice I'm losing, I would rather be alive and foster kids when I'm older than have kids/a relationship and be the emotional/verbal abuser that my parents were because it's so internalized that I haven't dug it out yet.

Never stop asking. Never let them sweep you off to the side. Make your doctor rule out everything until they finally do what you want.

I'm bitter, I admit it. I'm bitter against my mom for not diagnosing me with my ADHD and getting me medicated as a child. My first adderall was my 30th birthday, because I snuck behind her back for it. I don't give a shit about the stigma of mental health, I want to be free. I want to be me.

Find the good doctors out there and hang onto them. Dig your feet in and stand up. AFAB are more than the uteruses we are born with. Fat people are more than just our fat. We are people worth getting real genuine help by the medical field. We need more people to learn how people of different races are built differently too.

I now can't even take HRT (to stave off menopause) because I've had both embolism and cancer.

I admit, I wasn't strong enough to fight against my family for the help I needed, and I'm not sure if it was because I was a coward or just not mature enough. But I'm a human being.

I'm going to win and be happy, even if it takes me fighting for the rest of my life to be seen as worthwhile. I'm so tired, but I won't fall. I can't.

-Audra

Hi Audra,

I'm so sorry that you struggled to get a proper diagnosis and treatment, but I'm glad that you could get the help you needed. Your experiences highlight the importance of advocating for ourselves and persistently seeking the help and treatment we deserve.

The bitterness you feel towards your mom and the healthcare system is valid. It's natural to have complex emotions when reflecting on the past and the support that could have made a significant difference in your life. But the focus now is on your well-being and reclaiming your life.

Please know that you are more than the conditions you've faced. You are a human being deserving of compassion, understanding, and comprehensive healthcare. It's essential to take care of yourself mentally and physically as you continue your healing journey.

I hope I could help. Please feel free to reach out if you need anything.

-Bun