#and they’re both Australian what are we actually doing

[leahthedreamer]

This has to be the most egregious miscasting of the century

[maxillness]

Satisfy The Fans || LH44 x RB driver!Reader

Warnings: 18+, unprotected sex, angst (?), (implied) age gap, fake dating, drunken confession, mutual pining, slow burn,

Wordcount: 3.1k

From the start of her f1 career, she had always had a close relationship with Lewis, so the small pecks on the forehead she got from him wasn’t abnormal, but when it got caught by a paparazzi, it turned the whole internet towards them

Paddock affair: Hamilton and young driver

That was the days headline. She sat scrolling on her phone when she heard the bickering from the garage

She had yet to read it herself, but the small talks from behind her got her curious

“What are you whispering about back there?” She turned her head behind her to see Max, Christian and a few mechanics standing in a small circle

They all froze when they heard her voice. None of them answered, but it was clear they had heard her, so they couldn’t exactly ignore her

Christian was the one to speak up after he cleared his throat “Are you… Dating Hamilton?” He asked, hesitation obvious in his eyes

“What?” She was confused by his question “No. What makes you think that?” She asked with knitted eyebrows

He looked back into his phone and read aloud from it “Paddock affair: Hamilton and young driver. During the Australian qualifying sessions, Lewis Hamilton and Y/N Y/L/N was seeing kissing” He locked his phone and looked back up at her

“Huh?” She was even more confused “Did you get that from twitter? I’ve never kissed Lewis in my entire life” She explained “It was a peck on my forehead. He does it all the time” She shrugged

“So you’re telling me they’re lying?” He asked, crossing his arms over his chest

“Yes. Yes, I am” She chuckled, turning back to her phone “Don’t believe everything you reading on the internet, Christian. Especially if it’s on twitter”

After the race that Sunday, she came knocking on Lewis’ hotel door “You’ve read the rumours?” She pushed past him, not even bothering to greet him

“I have, yeah” He watched as she kicked off her shoes and threw her body onto the bed, messing up the sheets “Wine?”

“Do you have something stronger?” She asked, drawing out a chuckle from him

“Anything specific in mind?” He asked, watching her roll over on her stomach, her hair already a mess

“Anything above 25% and I’ll be happy” She sat up, leaning against the headboard as he found whatever alcohol he could

“We drink too much” She sighed as he came over with a bottle and two glasses

“Who cares?” He asked, sitting down on the bed with her

“Other than our livers, kidneys, and doctors, nobody” She said, watching her glass getting filled up with liquor

They sat for a few hours, drinking and talking, feeling the alcohol really start to kick in as they neared midnight

“What if we actually dated?” He asked, earning a pair of raised eyebrows from her “I’m not suggesting we date, I’m just saying, what do you think the internet would be like if we actually dated?”

“They wouldn’t get out of our faces, I think” She said, emptying her glass down her throat, too used to it to feel the burn

He just looked at her as she pouted from the empty glass “You want to, don’t you?” She asked, seeing the glint in his eye when she looked back at him

“We both know we don’t have feelings for each other, but it would be fun to see, Y’know?” He said, switching their glasses so she had his filled one and his were empty

“You know what? Let’s fake date, Lew” She took out her hand like they were making a deal

“Get that hand away” He slapped her hand away with a laugh on his lips

“Imagine all the fans were gonna satisfy” She said, another empty glass in her hands

For the next race, they had both informed their PR managers, but no one else, and they made sure to be seen as much as possible out in public together, as well as in the paddock

They arrived together at the paddock, talk in between practice sessions, and whenever it was possible to get some free time

Saturday after qualifying, they took a stroll down the city. They hadn’t realised the time, and they had stayed out until late

It was getting dark and cold in the streets, but it was too beautiful to go back to the hotel. They walked a few steps before Lewis stopped in his tracks

“What?” She turned around, looking up at him

“Let’s satisfy the fans, no?” She didn’t get to answer before he had pulled her body into his, holding her face with one hand as the other were on her waist, kissing her lips soft

She was too startled to kiss back, yet her hands were placed softly on his waist. He pulled back slightly, looking at her surprised expression

“There’s a paparazzi across the street. Wanna make it believable, right?” He smiled as he surprised state faded into a friendly smile

“Idiot” She slapped his chest softly before she were able to get out of his grip and started walking again

“You told us you weren’t dating” Max came bursting into her drivers room without knocking, making her yelp slightly

“Jeez, ever heard about knocking?” He just stood there silently “Anyway… What are you talking about?”

She watched as he took out his phone, typing at it. She took the phone from him when he handed it too her

She was met by the image of her and Lewis the day before, standing in each others arms kissing

“Oh, yeah. That was taken yesterday, Max” She explained, handing him his phone back “So what I told you was technically the truth”

“So you are dating?” He asked surprised

“Yes. Yes, we are” She said, standing up from the couch, walking past him to get out into the garage again

“Uh-uh. We aren’t done here” He said, following behind her like a lost puppy

“Since when did you start caring about my love life?” She sighed, walking over to her side

“Since it evolved the rival” He whispered, pulling her out to the said

“Look, Max, it’s not like I’m gonna bring it on to the track. People can have separate relationships on and off the track. Do you trust me to make this work?” He nodded but not without hesitation “Thank you”

Soon enough, all the drivers had heard about their ‘relationship’, as well as the team principals

“Y/N, how did your relationship with Lewis start?” She hadn’t thought about the interviews when they made their agreement

“Well, we’ve always had a close relationship as friends, and I guess that we slowly realised our feelings for each other the more time we spend with each other” She explained, coming up with a lie as quick as she could

“That’s actually quite sweet” The interviewer smiled “How are you handling all the hate?”

“We’re both handling it fine. I think people should get love who they love despite their age gap, as long as it’s a reasonable range, of course” She said, fiddling with her fingers

“Alright, thank you, Y/N” She walked away after a quick goodbye

“You okay?” Lewis had grabbed her attention before she had fully stomped off

“‘M fine” Her voice was telling the absolute opposite

“Come here” He pulled her body close into a hug, his lips meeting the top of her head, soothing her back down to earth

“Thank you, Lew” She pulled away and walked towards her crew who led her back to her drivers room

“Can we get back to the interview, Lewis?” The interviewer asked as his eyes still lingered on her body walking away

“Of course, sorry” He said, turning his head back to the person in front of him

“It’s quite alright. You two are very cute together” She said, making Lewis smile the slightest “Now, how did this begin- the relationship between you two?”

“We’ve always been close friends, and I guess the more we hung out and knew each other, our feeling for each other became more than friendly” The only thoughts in his head at the moment; what would it be like to actually date her?

Their act has been going on for half a year now, and it was going good, she still got startled when he kissed her after seeing a paparazzi and she didn’t. She would never get used to the feeling of his lips against hers

They were in her hotel room, sharing a bottle of whatever liquor they had, talking about everything and nothing

After about half an hour, he called it quits and said he had to go to sleep, so he went back to his own room a floor under her

As soon as he had closed the hotel door to her room, she took her phone out, typing up Max’ name

Can you come in here? I need your help with sm

Give me 2

About those two minutes went by before she heard the knock on her door “Thank god” She said relived as he stepped into the room

“What do you need help with?” He asked, sensing the worries in her body language

“Lewis” She watched as he knitted his eye brows together “I don’t know if he loves me” She had started to feel the changes a month after they started ‘dating’

He had become more caring, more sweet, more like a boyfriend than the friend she used to have

“What do you mean? Of course he does” He said, sitting down on the edge of the bed “I’ve seen the way he looks at you”

“Yeah, but that’s all an act. He doesn’t love me like I love him” Max became even more confused by her words

“All an act? What?” His face was pure confusion

“Me and Lewis never dated, not really anyways” She sighed, sitting down on the bed as well

“We fake dated to see what would happen” She said once she saw his expression

“Okay” He nodded slightly “So what makes you think he doesn’t have feelings for you?” He asked, wanting to help her

“The day we started ‘dating’, he said ‘we both know we don’t have feelings for each other’, and I get that, we’re good friends. I don’t think he ever would have feelings for me” She explained, feelings her throat almost close up

“I’m positive he doesn’t have feelings for me, Max” He sighed hearing her words

“Wait, so you’re telling me you two never dated?” George was as confused as Max had been just a minute ago

“Did any other words come out of my mouth?” Lewis asked, tone full of sarcasm

“Wow, getting sassy early” George said, raising his eyebrows at his teammate

“I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do. She obviously doesn’t have feeling for me” He slumped down on the couch, the air coming out in a huff

“You could just talk to her, tell her how it is” George shrugged, trying to help his teammate

“And risk loosing our friendship? No thank you. Rather live like this than without her” Lewis explained, thinking of all the bad things that could happen if he told her

She just wished she could tell him

He just wished he could tell her

Abu Dhabi rolled around, and she had going at it with the partying for a while before she had headed to bed

Around 1:30am, she heard a knock on the door that startled her awake. Now that she was awake, she could just answer the door

“Lewis?” Her eyes was still blurry from the fact she still wasn’t fully awake

“Can I come in?” His words were slurred, very obviously drunk

She sighed as she took in the state of him “Sure, baby” The pet names was something they had agreed on was okay, and they were used so much in public it had gotten into their private lives as well

She closed the door behind him as he took a few steps in. She barely got to turn around before he was spilling words at her

“I love you. I love you so, so much. I have loved you since we started dating, and I can’t keep it in anymore” He had taken her face into his hands

“Lewis-“ “Just let me love you” He had pulled her face into his kiss her softly. She put her hands on his chest, pushing him away

“You’re drunk, Lewis. You don’t know what you’re saying” She said, taking his hands away from her face, pulling them down to rest at his side

“What is it that they say? ‘Drunk words are sober thoughts’” He said, taking a step closer to her

“Lewis, you’re too drunk to be allowed to speak. Will you just go to bed?” She asked, letting him take that step forward

“Will you join me?” He asked, obvious hurt in his eyes

“Do you promise to sleep?” He nodded, not daring to speak “Then I will” She sighed, starting to guide him over to the bed

He got out of his jeans before she got him under the covers. She laid down beside his already dozing off body

He scooted closer to her, curling his body into her arms, sighing at the feeling of her warm body

As he woke up, she wasn’t in bed

“Morning” She said, handing him a glass of water and a two painkillers of some kind

He sat up right, taking the glass and pills “What would I do without you. I love you” He swallowed the pills before taking a sip of the water

“I know. You already said that today” She said, sitting back down on the bed

“What? When?” He was confused, remembering nothing of the sort

“Around 1:30 after you woke me up” She explained

“Oh my god. I am so sorry, really, I am” He looked away from her

“Lew, it’s fine-“ “No, it’s not. I’m really sor-“ He was silenced when she had forced his head towards her and had connected their lips

“I love you too, Lewis” She had pulled slightly back, seeing his pupils darken, taking the brown in them away

“You do?” He asked softly, almost like his words got stuck in his throat “Like, you *really* do?” A smile formed in the corner of his mouth as he put the glass onto the nightstand

She kissed him again, proving her point. He groaned into the kiss as it got more sloppy and heated

He had gotten her pinned down to the bed, lips going from her mouth and down her neck, leaving a few lovebites behind as he moved to the other side of her neck

“Lew, please” She whined, bucked her hips up into his, trying to get more friction

He scooted down the bed, his lips landing on the insides of her bare thighs. His fingers hooked into the waist band of her shorts, pulling them down

She whined as his lips made their way back to her inner thighs, leaving marks behind

“Please, Lewis. I need you so bad” Her breath stuttered as he pulled her panties down slowly, his fingers ghosting her skin

He wasted no time to draw his tongue through her wet folds the moment her panties were removed

“Fuck, Lew” She bucked her hips into his mouth, gripping the sheets beneath her harshly

She moaned loud when his tongue settled on her clit, putting pleasurable pressure on it

“Lewis, please” She arched her back off of the bed, her knuckles turning white from the grip in the sheets

Two of his fingers teased her entrance, making her whine as his tongue started flicking her clit, making her moan loud

He slowly started setting a pace with his fingers, curling them every now and then, hitting the spot inside her that made her body shake

“Lewis, please. Don’t stop- fuck, feels so good” Her words were slurred as she neared her orgasm, clenching rapidly around his fingers

“Fuck, Lew- ‘M gonna come, please” He sped up his fingers, curling them every time, sending her over the edge

She came with cry of his name, her whole body shaking, her chest rising and falling at a rapid speed

He kissed the insides of her thighs, soothing her out of her orgasm “Please, Lew… I need…” She still had trouble speaking from her orgasm

“I know. Don’t worry. I’m right here” He got off of the bed. He quickly removed his clothes and got back on the bed between her legs

She put her legs around his hips, pushing further against her as he started prepping small kisses to her neck and throat

He slowly entered her, drawing out moans from both of them. He stilled his hips, letting her adjust to him before he started moving

“Move, please” Her hands were all over the skin she could reach before settling at his back as he started moving

“Fuck, you feel so good, baby” He whimpered as her nails dug into his back, scraping along his skin

He angled her hips in a way that made him it hit that perfect spot inside her that made her moan loud

“Fuck, right there, Lew- fuck” He sped up, making sure to hit the same spot over and over again

“‘M so close- fuck, baby” The way she was rapidly clenching around him drew him closer to the edge

The next room over could probably hear their skin against skin sounds as well as their mixed moans

“Fuck, you clench so good ‘round me, love” He leaned down and prepped kisses above her breast

“Baby, please-“ She didn’t even know what she was pleading for, but she knew she could feel him getting close as well as he was twitching inside her

“Mhm, right behind you, baby” She took the cue and within a couple of thrusts, her body shook yet again with his name rolling off her tongue

And as promised, he was right behind her, stilling his hips as he came inside her with a moan

He slowed down his hips, circling her hipbone with his thumbs as she came down from her high

He pulled out of her, drawing a whine from both of them at the loss of contact between the two of them

They both sat in the bathtub, her back against his chest, his hands rubbing her thighs as she was slowly drifting away into a sleep

“Will you be my girlfriend?” They way his lips felt against her cheekbone woke her up

She turned her head to face him “Yes. Yes, I will” She smiled, pulling his face into a soft kiss

[cloveroctobers]

HOW DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL — RIO [Summer Prompts]

A/N: I was debating between making this Rio or Manny based and usually I like to alternate but for this prompt it felt more Rio like 😂 so hopefully for my October prompts if I write for Mayans again I’ll probably write for Manny. Anyways! Hope you guys get a kick out of this as much as I did writing it.

WARNINGS: language & things actually got a little 🌶️ towards the end which isn’t normally my thing but I guess I got inspired 😈 Enjoy!

SYNOPSIS: Rio’s so productive he hardly gets a day where he can get enough rest in…what happens when you disrupt that over something so irrational? He swears he loves you but he’s also not putting up with your shit.

PROMPT IS FROM HERE & I’m using: "what's the point of the blanket being on the couch if it can't be used?" "it's for show!" "oh for the love of god-"

<- check out my previous summer anthology writings here.

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎ

Rio preferred it cold.

It just made sense for the weather to be cold or cool rather than as hot as Diablo’s breath. He wasn’t made for hot weather and he couldn’t get away with his dark attire in the hotter months either. That’s where you two deferred, you loved the heat over the cold any day so as soon as the first day of summer hit…you seemed to glow more even when it wasn't golden hour.

You were outside way before the official day of summer hit because the warm weather was actually sticking around in Detroit and usually Rio was down for whatever, in fact he already booked a trip to Grenada in August (which his skin would probably regret as soon as y’all touched down in the West Indies), but for this particular outing felt like a waste of a time. A older Australian couple that the two of you became acquainted with when the two of you picked up the sport of pickleball—Rio still liked tennis better—invited you two to celebrate their furbaby’s (a Chinese Crested) birthday.

Thats right a whole ass birthday party for a dog who was now widowed, you two attended the wedding just last year and the Chinese Crested, Harlowe was still dealing with the loss of their loved one so the couple thought a party would uplift his spirits. It was ridiculous what rich people got up to but you liked to entertain it sometimes.

For Rio? It was all about networking considering that the wife of the pair was a retired attorney and her husband owned a billionaire company. You knew it wasn’t really a genuine friendship (more so out of convenience) they were the couple you mainly chatted with just to past the time when you all appeared at the same events. So the both of you didn’t appear that disappointed when the husband called Rio up just fifteen minutes before the both of you were getting ready to leave telling you that they, “regretfully want to inform that their beloved Harlowe was not up for a party and rather a intimate gathering with just his parents.”

“Do you think they’re still having something but much smaller and we got uninvited?” You asked, already stepping out of your heels when Rio came back into the bedroom to tell you the news.

Rio lifted his shoulders, “we’ll find out if they did but I didn’t want to go no way.”

“I know you didn’t,” you laugh as you spin around motioning for Rio to help you out of your dress, thanks to a old shoulder injury that had you attending PT from time to time.

He pauses with his fingertips brushing against the nape of your neck, “whatchu getting undressed for? You don’t want to find other plans for tonight?”

This wasn’t shocking, usually when plans got dropped the both of you always found something else to get into. It was rare for either of you to just take cancelled plans for what they were since the both of you stayed busy as a couple and separately.

“Nope…we can stay in. We’re hitting the gym in the morning anyway right?”

“I did say that didn’t I?” Rio sighed while you laughed to yourself, knowing he would prefer doing his own workout at the park or even in the backyard of your contemporary colonial—when you were with him—rather than at the gym.

He already had to put a few people in check for looking at you too long or even turning a friendly conversation into flirtations. Of course you loved Rio letting his protectiveness come out but you drew the line at him causing a few to lose their jobs when it was never that serious (to you). In this economy?! He even tried to persuade you into another gym—which was about an hour AND thirty minutes away from home but you liked the set up of your current gym and already made a few friends there as well.

Which is why he was putting in that work to get ownership over the building these past few months (which went from professional to lethal) but that was a need to know basis for you.

“Uh huh,” you nodded holding the front of the now slumped cowl silk aqua dress, “I know you can’t hang with me, so I’ll let it slide and you can enjoy your PTO.”

“Thank you for your permission, mama.” Rio rolled his eyes playfully, which then proceeded to follow you as you disappeared into the closet by the bedroom door.

Rio leans against the doorway just watching you as you shoved into some loungewear.

“I think I washed these on the wrong setting, ain’t no way these shrunk after only having them for a month.” You stated, pulling at the ends of your plaid boxer shorts with a huff.

Rio hummed, tugging his bottom lip into his mouth while he viewed the length of your legs in those shorts, “nah…that ass is growing and it’s giving me and those shorts something more to eat.”

Throwing your head back with a shake of your head you sharply exhale through your nostrils in warning, “behave.”

“It’s kinda hard to when you look like that.” He licked his lips, tempted to pounce.

“Please, I’ll put you to sleep as soon as you get up in it.” You tease as you step to cradle your husband’s face, “get some rest first honey and then we’ll talk.”

Patting his cheek, you went to squeeze by him but Rio caught your wrist to gain your attention once more. Peering up at him, Rio let his eyelashes flutter as he took his time analyzing the shape of you which was part of the many reasons he loved you, “you’re lucky I could use a few hours.”

You just smile at the heaviness in his raspy tone, leaning forward to press a kiss right to his plump and always moisturized lips. “I’ll be downstairs deciding on bourbon chicken or honey pineapple salmon for dinner.”

Rio kept a straight face as he fought back a yawn but still nodded his head at your retreating form. It felt like as soon as you told him to take his rest, his body was underneath your spell and normally he liked having that effect on you more so but he’ll fight you on it later.

What he hoped you didnt fight him on was taking a spot right on the couch to get these much needed hours in. He couldn’t exactly hide it as the kitchen and living room were basically side by side in an open floor plan but once you got on the phone with your girlfriends…that Kiking was unstoppable and lengthy. Moments later it only took you placing the fillets into the oven, sides done and covered to keep warm, with you getting off the phone and finally glancing to your right to notice the lanky frame of your husband snoring on the sofa. His limbs were always too long for the couch in the living room, which is why majority of the time he spent time on the 2-piece sectional downstairs.

Thankfully Rio wasn’t much of a snorer but sometimes when that sleep really hit? It came out and you knew he needed it. Rio was always sitting on ready regardless of his laidback but cardinial personality but you knew his profession as a, “businessman,” was anything but sweet—unless it came to counting the bag that is. You didn’t get much into his business, always being the one to turn the other cheek until necessary.

The both of you shared words a few times at the start of your relationship when you became serious and found out that Rio had people (before Mick) following you. You were an artist with a successful art gallery, which contained half of your artwork along with other local artists, new and young, and you even had some imported from all over the world. Rio tried it with the import portion of your gallery once before but you shut that shit down and the both of you didn’t speak for at least a week���almost two until the gym became his second focus—after making things right with you. Take that how you will. At the beginning you didn’t appreciate being followed and figuring out that Christopher had something to do with it after pulling out your own piece—something you hated to do but you knew how to handle your own business—Rio tried to persuade you later on that it gave him comfort knowing that his men can keep a eye on you when he can’t.

Some may have felt like that was a red flag (half of your girlfriend’s being the “some,” but one of them always had something negative to say about anything you had going on…which is why you weren’t friends at this point in time) but with a love so immense? And a career like Rio’s? You grew to accept it as a source of another security blanket since you didn’t like to get your hands dirty. Having that kind of power where someone could do that for you? Was indescribable. Sure Rio’s methods of getting to the money may require things you didn’t really agree with, you kept your own business clean just how you wanted but the way you felt about Rio was not something that could just vanish. You knew what his business entailed but you didn’t need to see the grit of it.

So maybe you did get off just a little at your man having that kind of pull on these streets.

Somebody should sue oh wait…they tried that and were part of a missing person’s report but that case was closed back in January.

You leaned against the white marble countertops, another small smile playing on your lips as it was your turn to watch your lightly snoring of a husband on the couch. He didn’t even get the chance to turn the tv on to fall asleep to, another opposite of your relationship, he needed some noise while you preferred it quiet and no light. His ankles hung off the sofa, one hand crossed over his chest as he held onto his shoulder in slumber. It wasn’t until you noticed the bright colored fiesta floral blanket pulled up and slanted underneath his chin that had you entering the living space.

You almost stopped your actions as you stared down at him in peace. You hated him watching you sleep and here you were doing the same but that didn’t last long as you shifted the spatula in your hand.

SLAP!

The stinging Rio felt against his forehead jolted him awake. His lengthy lashes popped open, making him sit up some as he tried to figure out what and who just assaulted him. He blinked a couple of times, trying to focus his vision before he shifted his view to you and that teal silicone spatula.

A furrow appeared seconds later, hand going from his shoulder to rub at the spot in between his thick brows. “What’s goin’ on?”

His voice is groggy and you almost felt bad for slapping the mess out of him. Yet he should be thankful that you didn’t slap the eagle tattoo right off the skin of his throat. The blood rushed to that spot on the center of his forehead but him rubbing at it only made it worse.

“I can ask you the same thing, why are you cuddled up with that blanket?” You motioned to the item with the cooking utensil.

Rio licked his lips, glancing down at the peach, orange, yellow, green, and navy blue blanket. He clears his throat, “Whatchu mean? I’m sleeping and the air’s on.”

Not Mr. Cool needing a blanket when he’s the one who loved having the house set on: icebox where his heart used to be, Omarion needs to slide glide and collect his boy real talk.

“Whose fault is that? I told you it didn’t need to be lower than seventy.”

Rio side eyed you a bit and proceeded to close his eyes again, ready to check out but you kicked at the cushion he laid against. Which made him sit up on his elbows, pinching the space in between his brows, “what’s good wit you? You think that makes sense to have the thermostat set on seventy when it’s damn near ninety out that front door?”

“Yes. It’s all about comfort.”

“That’s what I’m tryin’ to do with this blanket, thank you.” He went to plop back down, ready to pull the fallen object back over his shoulders.

You snatch it right off his body, “this blanket isn’t for you to get your drool on.”

“I don’t drool and wait a minute…did you hit me with that? A used spatula? You’re about to mess up my skincare and that’s feelin’ a little disrespectful to me.”

You scoff as you proceed to fold the blanket how you previously had it tossed along the couch, “No it wasn’t used! You know me better than that and I know you take pride in self care. I wouldn’t do you like that but it’s clear you’re disrespecting me by using this blanket that abuela gave to me.”

Rio felt his eye twitch as he exhaled his rising nerves, “…what's the point of the blanket being on the couch if it can't be used?”

“It’s for show!” You exasperated as you finished brushing over the fur of the oversized blanket.

Rio snorted, “oh for the love of almighty!”

You huffed with your hands on your hips, pulling your attention away from the blanket that was back to the way it was, “What?”

“Be real with me.” Rio jabbed a thumb at the direction of the blanket, “you want me to believe that you’re being this extra over a blanket my abuela got you from fucking Marshall’s?”

You tilted your head to the side, “oh no you didn’t, not you being uppity Mr. Serena & Lily.”

“I didn’t even mean it like that.”

“Now you’re disrespecting Abuela!” You pointed at him accusing, “Just wait until she hears about this!”

“Nah you’re not telling her nothing!” Rio latched onto the waistband of your shorts, yanking you right on the couch as you squealed feeling the air hit your lower back.

You elbowed him as you collapsed right on his lap, “are you trying to get me to moon you? What’s wrong with you?!”

He shushed you with a smirk, “Thanks for confirming just what I needed to hear…” his hands slip down your sides and towards your bare hips beneath the fabric, squeezing the sides of your ass.

“No, we have beef now you pervert.” Your attempt to get off his lap was not working for you, at all.

His lips are at the space beneath your earlobe and the way he’s sucking on the skin is definitely leaving some tingles all over your body. Rio chuckles as he feels you shudder in his lap, “what beef? I think we should talk it out, don’t you?”

He moves one hand from the side of your ass to travel up the valley in between your breasts, grabbing a hand full of the one on the left and his right. Your breathing is picking up now as Rio settles you both back against the couch and it isn’t until you feel the plush of the blanket against your shoulder that you come back to your senses.

You pull yourself from Rio’s hold, snatching the spatula back to aim right at him in defense, “that wasn’t talking.”

“Well I disagree and thought it was until you rudely interrupted me.” Rio briefly rests his elbows against his knees as he sizes you up while you cautiously step back towards the kitchen, “you clearly don’t want me getting in that overtime of sleep anymore so I guess I’m well rested enough to spend quality time with my wife.”

Rio has his eyes set only on you and he can visibly see you gulp at the distance you put between you. That feeds his ego enough, he sniffs as he pushes himself to his feet, stalking over you to pluck the spatula out of your hand and to slide it against the counters towards the deep sink. Rio towers over you, using his fingertips to grip your jaw firm enough to get your sight back on him. Quickly he latches onto your thighs, lifting you against the counter and making space for himself right in between.

His forehead is pressed against yours breathing you in as he yanks you right to the edge of the counter, his hands caressing the warmth of your upper thighs, “you care about that damn blanket so much, I want your eyes to stay only on it while I sample my appetizer, you got that?”

A finger ran over your clothed center and you pushed your moan back down your vocal cords. The both of you were famous for your poker faces but eventually one of you would take it off of the other.

Your heart was pounding against your chest along with the adrenaline also running wild at the way Rio was looking at you, seeking to devour you while biting down on his bottom lip as he fought to keep his eyes on you and not on the increased rise and fall of your chest.

His hand snakes up to your throat, squeezing just enough to let you know what time it was, “I said, do you got that?”

You sucked your teeth, “I heard you—

You started just for Rio to push you by the throat with the swiftness against the counter, other hand flying behind your head just in time to protect the back of it while your thighs instantly latched around his hips in alert.

He laughs a bit, “yeah I knew you’d like that shit,” as he lets go of your throat after turning your head to face the living room, right where your blanket sat then using both of his hands to nudge your thighs apart so he can leave you bare from your shorts.

Curiosity got the best of you as you tried to take a peek to see what your husband was up to. Usually he was the light sleeper but you didn’t miss the sound of the pop of his lips, making you turn your head to see two damp digits.

“What did I say?”

Quickly shutting your eyes, you shielded them with a free hand trying to fight back a smile and still holding your “innocence,” as you waited to open your eyes again.

“Wait!” You called out, just knowing what was to come, “…check the timer for the salmon.”

Rio barely let the annoyance hit as he gazed over his shoulder to the clock on the stove, “ten minutes left. That’s all I need for right now…desserts a different story.”

And with that being said you let his touch be felt in the most pleasing of ways, folding at the way Rio knew just what to do to set you right.

Sitting in the dining room, since you refused to sit at the island—which Rio found humorous and promised he would clean—you can’t be eating at everybody’s house y’all—the both of you sat face to face with you on the bench and Rio in the navy chair across from you.

He chewed on his last piece of fillet, hand underneath his chin as he stared at you slouched over a bit. His long limbs tapped against you underneath the table, watching you flinch as you pushed your shoulders back, which added to more of Rio’s amusement.

“What’s the matter?” He questioned, his dark eyes can’t help but to falter down to your white tank top, “you look cold and might need a blanket? There’s one not far from us actually.”

You scowled while he laughed grinning at you, “you’re such a dick!”

“And you took it so well.”

A gasp fell from your lips while you tossed a folding napkin right towards Rio’s smug face, who snatched it before it could touch him. Leaving him to mockingly kiss his lips at you, “it’s all love.”

“We’ll see.” You chewed back a smirk but Rio can read you just by looking into your eyes.

Rio raised his brows, “That a challenge? I can guarantee you we can make it happen.”

Rio loves leaving you a crying mess and talking you down from your high. His drive was hardly ever low but he thought it was respectable for the both of you to get some nutrients in before the full rounds started.

You held up a finger, grabbing your glass to chug the rest of the water, making Rio rest his cheek into the knuckles of his hand with a glint in his eyes.

“Okay,” you exhale, “but it’s my time to set it off.”

Rio nodded his head ready for whatever you had in mind although he’s envisioning reverse cowgirl, “cool, no complaints on my end.”

“I bet,” you raise a foot to caress his lap, “Can help you back to sleep in some blankets that are actually meant for sleeping with.”

Rio groaned for two separate reasons of course, reaching one hand down to grip your ankle, “lead the way, mama.”

“Not until you do the dishes and clean the counter. I know how much you hate going to bed with a dirty kitchen and we ain’t got shit to do so…get to it. I’ll be waiting.” It was your turn for some small payback as you hopped up from the bench, a glare crossing Rio’s features.

You laughed as you gripped his shoulders, leaning down to press your lips against his. The both of you tilted your heads just right as your lips battled against each other soon before you slipped your tongue against Rio’s. It was getting nasty again and he was ready to pull you right in his lap and let you do your thing right there but you pulled back with a bit of saliva between your lips.

“Hurry up, I’ll be ready to take my own nap myself soon.” You wink at him before you quickly pulled yourself from his grasp.

Rio swallowed his own breathing down, hands rubbing at his wet lips first and then the tension in his jaw all while feeling the twitch below again. Looking at the dishes and feeling the pull towards you was another battle within itself. Usually he wasn’t the clean up crew, he had people for that professionally and personally and as he started cleaning one dish he checked his own pocket to book a cleaning service for the morning. However he did take his time cleaning down the island, he wasn’t that cruel.

And who needed the gym anyway when you had his heart pumping enough?

He didn’t have to cancel that too.

Rio always ran shit.

The gym was just as much as his now as you are.

Just how he liked it.

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎ

Continue with my summer anthology prompts & writings here.

[monzabee]

girl crush – dr3

masterlist || part 2 ||

Summary: The one where both you and Daniel meet your celebrity crushes in the course of a weekend, and decide to give it a go. 

Pairing: daniel ricciardo x actress!reader

Word Count: 4522

Warnings: fluff, shy daniel, shy reader, max being a menace (we love you max), awkwardness, 2023 australian gp, oscars (i love you Jamie Lee Curtis, you rock), slight age gap? (the reader is around the same age as Max)

Request: this is a long one besties, but you can read the request here! + “Hello! Can I please request nepo!reader who's an actress and maybe has an oscar or something? Maybe with Lewis or Daniel”

Author’s Note: hi, hey, hello!! this title changed so many times i lost track, but at the end, i went with the song – mainly because harry styles. i don’t know what’s wrong with me but this was very hard to write because i had BIG plans for it, so i’m sorry it took a while for me to finish it. also, i listened to a lot of la la land for some reason, so here you go. i hope i did it justice, and this was definitely very fun to write and i had a great time writing it, so thank you, to the anons, for the request, i hope you guys enjoy! good morning, noon or night wherever you are, xoxobee

Please also note that all of my works are protected under copyright, and not available for reposting on other platforms. 

Growing up with parents who were obsessed with Formula One had finally taken its toll on you, you decide as you walk towards the Red Bull Hospitality. Your father’s sudden retirement from acting, combined with your mother’s stubborn personality is the reason why you suddenly find yourself at the 2023 Australian Grand Prix. You don’t really know why they didn’t wait for the one in Miami, or perhaps Las Vegas, since their primary residence is in the US, but you had no choice but to join them when they pulled out the ‘We’re getting old’ card. So there you are, after 15 hours of flying over the Pacific Ocean, in Melbourne and ready to enjoy the racing weekend. Or so you think – because you spend the entirety of Friday catching up on lost sleep while cursing every single time your parents decide to call you to let you know how much of a great time they’re having. 

In the end, you get ready Saturday morning, to get breakfast with your parents before leaving for Albert Park. Just as you’re about to leave your room, your eyes fall on a familiar hat, adorned with a certain number, and you put it on your head without giving it a second thought. Your parents don’t comment on your choice of merchandise even if they find it odd, which is good, you think, because you don’t particularly want to hear your father tease you over your “teenage crush”.  The whole paddock is buzzing by the time you get there, and you immediately feel guilty because you missed the practice sessions the previous day. You quickly lose your parents to the crowd around you, too busy looking at the action around you, when you hear your name being called from somewhere. You look around trying to find the source of the voice, when you find a familiar face which makes you smile. 

“Oh my god, what are you doing here?” You ask, quickly pulling Samira for a hug, who in return points to the camera. 

“Weekend job, babe.” She laughs. “I’ve interviewed your father just a couple of minutes ago, actually.” 

“Oh no,” You laugh and shake your head. “Did he tell you about his petunias?” “He did, indeed.” Samira nods and hands you one of the microphones in her hand. “Are you up for a quick interview?” She asks you as she gives you an innocent smile. 

You nod while letting out a chuckle. “Well, someone has to save your viewers from my father’s garden talk, so why not?” 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” Samira tells you, her words coming of a bit slurred because of the way she talks too fast. She then turns to the camera after making sure that your mic is working. “Welcome back to the second day of the Australian Grand Prix, I’m here with Y/N Y/LN, whose father we just spoke to; Y/N, is this a family day out, or what?” 

“This is definitely a family day out, Samira.” You laugh, nodding to strengthen your point. “Not a very usual one, we usually prefer to stay a bit more local for the weekend outings, but you never know where we’ll be next, I guess.” 

“By ‘local’, do you mean the Oscars, perhaps? I mean, can we talk about your win for a moment? How does it feel to be the receiver of the award for the Actress in a Supporting Role?” 

You take a deep breath as you feel your smile widen, as you can’t even try to hide your happiness. “It feels amazing, let me tell you. It was an amazing opportunity and I can’t thank enough to the lovely director and everyone who made the movie possible.” Samira nods with a satisfied look on her face as you answer. “Congratulations once again for your win. I have to ask, big Red Bull fan?” She asks you in a teasing voice.

“What?” You asked, confused. Only to realise the hat sitting on your head when she points to it with a silent chuckle. You let out a laugh while instinctively touching the hat on your head. “Oh god, you could say so, I guess; yeah.” 

“I mean, I have to comment on the obvious part here.” She points to the hat while shooting the camera a look. “Number 3? You do realise the changes in the grid, don’t you?” 

You laugh at her teasing voice, shrugging and smiling with an innocent look. “What can I say, I like to avoid the reality and live in my delusions.” After a few more teasing from Samira, you explain with a laugh, “No jokes, though, I honestly hope Daniel Ricciardo returns to Red Bull somehow because I don’t know how I’ll cope without him for another season.” 

“A big Danny Ric fan, then, I presume?” Samira asks, pointedly. 

“Oh yeah, been for a while now.”

After you’re done with your interview and bid adieu to Samira, who thanks you a dozen times more, you find your parents at the Red Bull hospitality, speaking with none other than Christian Horner himself, accompanied by Max. It’s a slightly awkward transition when you join their conversation, but it passes quickly. It doesn’t take long for your parents to be involved with their own conversation with the team principle, and for you and Max to speak amongst yourselves. Although you ask him every single question that comes to your mind about racing, whether it makes sense or not, and he answers each of them without discouraging you. 

He pulls a funny face when he realises your choice of merch, pointing to your hat with a mischievous smile on his face. “Interesting choice, I would have gone with Checo.” 

You roll your eyes and huff, taking your hat in the process. “You’re just jealous because it’s not your number, Max.” 

“You wanna try that again?” Max raises his eyebrows. 

“So what if I’m wearing his number?” You ask, arms crossed over your chest. “He’s a very good driver.”

“Who is not driving this seaso– Ow! Stop it!” Max exclaims as you hit his arm repeatedly in an attempt to stop him talking. “I hope you’re just as charming when you meet him.”

You pull a face while asking, “What do you mean ‘when I meet him’?”

He gives you an unamused look. “You’re either a very good actress, or you are very bad at checking your social media.” His eyes widen when you match his look, which tells him everything he needs to know. “You know he’s around, right? He’s shooting promo stuff, I think.” 

“What do you mean he’s around?” You shriek in an attempt to hide your hat, as if Daniel is actually around to see it. 

“Yeah, wait, let me call him.” He takes out his phone and quickly dials him before you have the opportunity to tell him not to do that, but he quickly shoves his phone back into his pocket when he spots someone familiar over your shoulder and waves them over. 

Your eyes widen as you hiss, “You’re the worst, you know that?” 

He winks at you a playfully in return, “Don’t forget to invite me to your wedding.” Then, he shakes the hand of the driver, who finally makes his way to both of you, and pulls him into what you can only describe as a ‘bro hug’. “Hello, man.” 

“Hello, mate.” Daniel greets him back. His eyes widen in recognition when he catches your eyes over Max’s shoulder, and he side-steps to shake your hand with excitement, which only makes you clutch the hat closer to your chest. “Hello, you’re Y/N Y/LN. Oh my god, I’m a big fan!” 

“M-me too!” You manage to get out, and then quickly add, “A big fan of you, not myself. That would be very egotistical of me.” You inhale a sharp breath as you ignore the look Max gives you, and close your eyes for a moment before opening them again. “Please ignore that, I think the jet lag is finally catching up with my brain.” 

“Sure, we’ll call it the��jet lag.” Max mumbles, which earns him a hit with your elbow in his ribs. “Ow!” 

“I’m this close to switching teams and supporting Mercedes instead.” You lift your hand to show the minimal space you’ve left between your thumb and pointer-finger. 

“I think I should take over, here before you drive her away, Max.” He jokingly shakes his hand in a motion to make him go away, and then turns you with a warm smile as Max leaves the two of you to join some of the engineers nearby. “Now, should we get you a Red Bull?”

Talking to Daniel is very easy, you realise quickly. Once you (both) get over your shyness, the conversation just flows in a way you’re not used to. He, too, answers any questions you might have like Max did, but the look in his eyes are different when you show interest in something he’s particularly passionate about. He asks you about receiving your first Oscar, and you ask him about how his wine business is going – which ends up with him promising to send a few bottles over so that you can give it your stamp of approval; you both decide that your review is going be on the back of the bottles. 

“But doesn’t it get into your eyes when you’re spraying it?” You ask him, trying to comprehend how the champagne they spray doesn’t go everywhere. “And doesn’t it burn? It has alcohol, and… bubbles.”

“You might be onto something here.” He mumbles in thought, thinking whether the champagne burned his eyes or not. “Occupational hazard?” He asks in an uncertain voice, hoping it satisfies your question as an answer. 

“Oh, right.” You nod, taking another sip from the can he got you. “It’s crazy, you’ve won like what? 8 races? That’s crazy, you’re crazy.” The way you keep saying whatever comes to your mind makes Daniel smile as the energy you’re feeling taking over your body for the time being. “Wow, I’ve never felt like this, is this what energy drinks do to you?” 

“Probably why you shouldn’t drink too much.” He agrees.

“Sorry.” You smile apologetically, suddenly very aware of the fact that you are, in fact, rattling nonsense in front of your biggest celebrity crush. “You must think I’m crazy, and I shouldn’t be holding you back. I’m sure you have better things to do.”

Daniel is panicking inside when you start to get up, his mind scrambling up words to find a way to make you stay – he feels like a kid who’s asking his parents to let him play for a little longer. It’s not that he is not a social person, he is, but the conversation the two of you share is one of the most meaningful ones to him, even though you’re not actually talking about anything that deep. But he realises there is no pretences with you, no expectations, nothing to hide. He enjoys the way you speak what’s on your mind, whether it might be complimentary or the opposite, but he enjoys how you present your opinion and why you have it. He knows he’s extremely starstruck at that very moment, god knows he’s met enough famous people to know what it feels like, but it’s the kind of starstruck that makes him want to be not shy about it. He wants to keep talking to you for as long as you can tolerate him, because in his mind, he might be the one who is butchering the whole conversation up just by shutting up and succumbing to his shyness. He’s hyperaware of the fact that he has held himself back over the past hour, just because he was thinking about the fact that your hair is looking very shiny under the Australian sun and it is his number on your hat. It’s not something the two of you talked about, yet, but when he realises that it is his number on it, there is this inexplicable pride surging over him.

So, with his entire courage, he says, “Stay.” He clears his throat to buy himself some time to think of something else to say. “I mean, I don’t have anything else I need to do, and it’s very nice to talk to you. So, you know, if you want to, we could maybe, I don’t know, continue to talk?”

“Oh.” You let out a breath, eyes wide with excitement (and a little bit of apprehension), but despite all the nervousness you’re feeling, you find yourself back in your seat, and mumbling. “Of course, it’s very nice to speak with you too.” 

And so you find yourself immersed in another conversation with the Aussie seated across from you. He is open about the past year – which as a fan you’re dying to know what happened, but don’t want to question him because he is only human after all. But for some reason, it comes naturally to talk about his pseudo-retirement with you. He tells you about his plans for the year, and how he hopes to get back to a seat by the start of the next season. In return, you tell him about the time how you almost stopped acting, but the last project you gave a change brought you an Oscar. It’s a much deeper conversation than before, but somehow you find yourself talking without feeling nervous to do so – without any second thoughts. 

“I, uh, I like your hat.” He smiles nervously, pointing to the discarded hat on your lap. 

You laugh nervously as your fingers occupy themselves with the visor of the cap. “Thanks, it’s my favourite.” 

“Yeah?” The question that leaves his mouth is so soft that you think you would miss it if your eyes weren’t so focused on him. 

“Oh, yeah.” You assure him with a little shrug. “Much better than orange, let me tell you, I look hideous in orange.” 

A large smile finds its way onto your lips when he lets out a hearty laugh, shaking his head. “I somehow find it impossible to believe.”

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re flirting with me, Daniel.” You tease, causing him to smirk back at you. He doesn’t answer you, but instead looks at you with a very particular look which confirms what you’ve just said. Your small stare-down is sadly broken apart by Max, who calls out Daniel’s name to let him know that Christian is looking for him. 

There is a sad look in his eyes when he realises that he has to go for real this time, but you give him a sad smile as you let him know you’ll be watching the screens for him during the quali. As you feel the wind breezing around you, you instinctively wrap your arms around your middle to get rid of the shiver the colder air provides. A look of recognition passes through Daniel’s face as he asks, “Are you cold?”

“A little, but it’s oka–”

“I’ll be right back.” Daniel announces as he leaves you and Max, causing the latter to turn to you with his phone in his hand. Max lets out a deep sigh, mumbling something under his breath in a language you don’t recognise, most likely Dutch. 

“What are you doing?” You ask him, head tilted to the side to try and see what he’s looking at on his phone. He turns it to you after a while, apparently finding what he was looking for. “What’s that?” You ask, pointing to the phone which displays a paused video of Daniel sitting in a chair. 

“He’ll probably kill me once he realises I’ve made you watch this, but the way the two of you looking at each other like lovesick puppies is making me nauseous.” He points to the phone with his head. “Play it.”

You give him a sceptical look, but do as he says and press the little triangle in the middle of the screen. The interview starts to play, and Daniel is talking about racing and the ongoing season. You let the video play for a while before looking up at Max again, more confused. “What am I supposed to see?” 

“For fuck’s sake.” Max groans, taking his phone out of your hand and fast-forwarding the video to find what he’s looking for. “Here.” 

You press play on the video once again, but this time it starts with the interviewer asking Daniel about his celebrity crush. While he’s thinking about his answer in the video, you throw an unamused look at Max, who urges you to direct your attention back to the video. Just as you move your eyes back onto the screen, his answer echoes through the phone speakers which makes your eyes widen. “What?” You ask Max as you scramble to play back the section of the interview. 

“So, any celebrity crushes we should be keeping our eyes out for?” The interviewer asks, out of frame. 

There is a thoughtful look on his face as he thinks about his answer and once he decides, there is a smile breaking on his face. “I mean, probably Y/N Y/LN. I’ve watched everything she’s in, probably multiple times, she’s just so talented.” 

You watch that particular part of the video back a couple of times before Max takes his phone out of your hands with a look asking if you’re okay. “When was this?” 

“I don’t know,” He shrugs. “A couple of years back, but I don’t think his answer has changed over the years.”

You blink a couple of times, trying to digest the fact that your celebrity crush also named you as his celebrity crush. “Oh, wow.” 

Daniel returns a few moments later with a hoodie in his hands. He smiles at you warmly as he hands it to you. “Here, that should help.” 

“Oh, Daniel, you didn’t have to.” You breath out, taking the hoodie out of his hand and putting it on with his help when he gives you a look that says he won’t accept it back. After you fix the oversized hoodie on you, you turn to him with a smile as you also put on the hat on your head. 

The smile he gives you in return when he sees you in his number and merch fills your stomach with butterflies, and Max must be feeling weird about being a part of the scene because he lets Daniel know that he’ll wait at the garage. As Max leaves, Daniel turns back at you with a sad smile on his face. “I really don’t wanna leave, but–”

“You have a job to do, Daniel.” You smile with an understanding, putting an encouraging hand on his forearm. “Although I would love to keep you to myself, I’m sure there are fans out in the world who would love to see you back as much as I do.” 

He lets out a small groan. “Please tell me you’ll be here tomorrow as well.” 

“Well, I came all this way to watch the race too, so I’ll probably be around.” You tease him. 

“So I’ll see you tomorrow?” He asks you in a hopeful voice.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” You affirm. 

After a final look, both of start walking in different directions. And just as you’re about to leave the hospitality, you hear him call out your name. When you turn to look at him over your shoulder you hear him yell, “My number looks good on you.” 

In retrospect, you wanted to arrive earlier to find a certain driver, but you couldn’t sleep last night because you couldn’t stop thinking about the day’s events. So when you wake up later than your alarm Sunday morning, you rush to get ready to leave your hotel room. By the time you arrive at Albert Park, it’s almost noon. You’re not late to see the race, there is still couple of hours until the big event, but your eyes look around the chaotic hospitality to spot Daniel. You can see a few familiar faces, some engineers you met yesterday and the drivers talking to some crew members near the garage, but there is a small frown on your face as you keep looking for the Australian driver. You’re about to give up when, suddenly, you feel someone grabbing your arm – which makes you jump back with a shriek. 

“You scared me!” You exclaim, looking at the stranger who, thankfully, lets go of your arm after your outburst. “Sorry, can I help you?” 

“Sorry! I thought you were lost and looking for your boyfriend.” They respond, pointing towards the garages. “I saw him enter a few minutes ago.” 

“I don’t have a–” You start the say, but the person is already starting to walk away to the opposite direction. “Boyfriend.” You sigh, deciding to take the advice and see if Daniel might be at the garage after all.

If you thought there was a chaos outside the garage, you’re greatly wrong, because the only word you can use to describe the Red Bull garage is chaotic. There are crew members everywhere, trying to get the cars ready for the upcoming race. So, you do your best to slip through them without disturbing their work. Some of the members you met yesterday greet you, which makes you smile as you greet them back. You catch a familiar set of eyes, which lose the boredom in them and widen with recognition once they meet yours and he starts walking towards you.

He's beaming by the time he reaches you, as he exclaims, “You’re here!” 

“Hi!” You greet him and then pull him for a quick hug.  

“I’m glad you made it, Y/N.” He smiles down at you, without letting you go, and then gestures around the garage. “Have you looked around?” 

You nod, matching his smile as you look up at him, “A little bit when I came in, it’s crazy out there today?” 

He lets out an affirmative voice. “It’s always like that during a race day. Where are you watching the race from?” 

“The Paddock Club, I think?” You answer him with a small frown. “We watched the quali from there yesterday.” 

He pulls away from you slowly, and begrudgingly, holding your hand and starts to pull you away from the entrance. “I have a better idea.” He walks you towards the front of the garage, stopping right in front of the barriers and asking a crew member for a headset. 

There is a playful smile on his face when he turns to you with them in his hands, which makes your eyes widen with concern. “Are you sure it’s okay for me to be here?” 

He waves his hand, passing the headset to you as he assures, “Of course, it’s the best seat in the house. Plus, it’ll be easier for us to find each other.” 

“You’ve thought this through, haven’t you?” You ask him as you do your best to narrow your eyes. 

“Absolutely, yes.” He nods with excitement. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re kind of my celebrity crush.” 

You giggle in response. “Oh, I know. Max made me watch a video.” 

“He– what?”

“It was a lovely compliment.” You assure him, patting his arm with a sympathetic smile. 

“I’m going to kill–” He begins to say, but one of the engineers call out his name, telling him that they need him before the race. He turns to you with a groan, jumping over the barriers instead of going through the door, which makes you chuckle, and points to you while walking backwards. “We have to talk about this.” 

“We will.” You assure him. Just as you watch him walk by, you call out, “Daniel!”

“Yeah?” He calls back at you. 

“You’re my celebrity crush, too.” 

Instead of answering he winks at you over his shoulder, which makes you giggle. You’re sure that you’re also blushing, but decide not to think about it too much and focus on the race which is starting. You’re on the edge of your seat the entire time, from the start to the second restart to the end. The people around you are not much different, everybody holding their breaths every time one of the cars make a sharp turn. You let out an occasional gasp, or wince throughout the entire race, your hands covering your shocked expression. But, at the end, you’re happy to see that Max is P1 and Checo managed to finish the race in P5. Everyone around you seems to be sharing your opinions, since they are celebrating the good results when you take off your headset. 

Daniel finds you eventually, after speaking with some of the engineers and pit crew, and there is a huge smile on his face as he asks, “So, how’d you like it?” 

“Are you kidding me? It was insane!” You exclaim, using your hands to relay your point. “Eight cars, Daniel, eight cars! That’s crazy!” 

“I get you’ve liked it?” He asks, his eyebrows raising. 

You let out a scoff while shaking your head. “Of course I liked it!” 

“I’m glad you liked it, Y/N.” He smiles, “So, I’m your celebrity crush, huh?”

“Oh please, you already knew it!” You roll your eyes at his smug expression. “I’m wearing your number, aren’t I?”

He shrugs, letting his hands occupy themselves with the end of the hoodie you’re wearing. “And it looks good on you.” He tilts his head to get a better look at your eyes as he asks, “You’re wearing it again today? Isn’t it some sort of fashion crime in Hollywood?”

“Well, I’ve never fit in much anyway.” You shrug, letting a smirk break at your lips. “It might just become my favourite item of clothing, just so you know.” 

“Yeah? I’m happy to hear that.” 

“You should be, I’m very particular about my hoodies.”

He smiles at your comment, but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes for some reason. “When is your flight back?”

“Tuesday.” You answer him, suddenly very aware of the fact that you don’t have much time left in Melbourne at all. “But I can be convinced to stay for longer.” 

His eyes widen with surprise, excitement taking over the sad look in record time. “You can? Really?” You nod your head, which makes him pull you closer to him with the hand still holding your hoodie. “Let me take you out on a date.” His eyes seem to beg. 

You nod your head once again, tilting your head backwards to keep your gaze locked to his. “Yeah, I’d like that.” 

“Yes? Are you sure? It’s the point of no return.” There is a playful tone to his voice. 

You roll your eyes, taking off your cap and placing it onto his head. “I’m sure I’ll be fine, ‘honey badger’.” You tease. “Who knows? You might just convince me to say a while longer.” 

“Yeah, I’d like that, too.” He echoes your words from earlier. 

[summerofofelia]

15 day BL challenge time!

OG here 🧡

Day 8 - The trope you hate except when it’s “this series”.

Throughout the course of my twenties, due to a combination of working with incredibly difficult people (never work in Australian media y’all) and navigating personal drama, I have learned that the best way to interact with people is through direct, honest communication. I have learned how to be gently confrontational, I am comfortable being uncomfortable and saying to someone, “hey, can we sit down and have a chat?” And as a result, I find myself huffing impatiently when miscommunication rears its ugly head.

Looking at you buddy

Ah yes, miscommunication. My arch nemesis. Miscommunication is the rotten toenail of tropes. So often it feels like a cheap way to manufacture drama because the writer was too lazy to come up with something more original.

If the central conflict of your story stems from a miscommunication that could be resolved if the characters had a two minute conversation, but instead you stretch this petty misunderstanding out for an infuriatingly long amount of time… ya boring. Go back to the drawing board. Think of how else you can create tension and obstacles that compel the audience to care.

So which show is my only exception?

BL: My Personal Weatherman.

My Personal Weatherman, for those unfamiliar, is essentially a story about two emotionally constipated dumbasses that are desperately in love with each other.

And I adore it.

So what makes their miscommunication different?

This is not a surface level miscommunication that can be solved with a simple conversation. It requires serious introspection, recognition of fears, voicing insecurities and allowing vulnerability. These are not things that happen overnight.

Yoh has incredibly low self esteem and believes he has nothing to offer Segasaki. He constantly downplays his abilities, despite the fact that throughout the series we see him being Segasaki’s safe space.

He can’t bring himself to be honest about his feelings to Segasaki (except when he’s drunk). He is confused by Segasaki’s actions and finds himself becoming resentful, finding reasons to hate Segasaki because he thinks his heart is the only one that races when they’re together.

Segasaki, on the other hand, wears a mask around others, feeling like Yoh is the only one that understands him. He can pretend with everyone else, but with Yoh he is utterly defenseless. Since day one he has been captivated by this man that sees right through him to his very core.

Segasaki desperately needs Yoh to be by his side, he craves him, and yet it takes seven episodes for him to finally break and say, I can’t breathe without you. Even after this declaration we see him tying Yoh up in an attempt to keep him from leaving, begging telling Yoh to be his and his alone, his insecurity palpable (also, he never actually tells Yoh about his insecurities, he just tortures himself in private). This moment of vulnerability is a turning point in their relationship.

And all this is externalised through a lack of communication, and not just that, but a lack of understanding about different communication styles. Segasaki is taken aback when he finds Yoh drunk and sullen, proclaiming that he will earn enough money to move out because Segasaki only sees him as a slave. Meanwhile Segasaki is like, wow, okay, first of all rude to say that to your husband.

But after this, Segasaki specifically takes Yoh out and they experience all these cute little date moments. It’s super sweet and everything is going well, until Yoh says, “hey, if you want to do something without me you can”, leading Segasaki to walk away despondently (and lie about having other plans) because he clearly thought they were on the same page (however, he still uses this time to buy Yoh a jumper while Yoh goes off to buy more sheets so they can fuck be intimate more often (because they’re both dumbasses who haven’t heard of a dryer)).

Through Segasaki’s actions, he thought he was clearly saying, “hey, I like you.” And yet, the lack of literal vocal communication meant these gestures went completely over Yoh’s head (literally at one point he says, this guy really needs to use more words!!). His low self esteem has created a barrier in their relationship. He doesn’t understand that Segasaki actually wants to be with him. How could this amazing man ever actually want him? And it’s understandable that he’s struggling, because Segasaki can be quite ambiguous with his words.

Now could all of this be resolved in one conversation? Not exactly, no. It’s more complicated than that. Which is why it works. Because there is something far deeper going on.

In order for these two to find each other, they have to overcome their own insecurities. They are each fighting an internal battle and don’t actually understand how to vocalise their needs and fears to each other.

It’s hard, but they get there eventually.

Dumbasses (affectionate).

[formulaa-1]

Hi there, can I request a one shot with Oscar Piastri, where he is dating his childhood best friend from Australia, and they are hanging out and visiting both their families and friends while they’re at Melbourne for the Australian GP.

one shot🤿 O.P

fem!reader x Oscar piastri

Oscar’s dating his childhood bestfriend and they visit Australia for the Grand Prix and spend some quality time together 🫶🏼 ps. theres a promise ring at the end 🙈💍

Thankyou so much for the request! I hope this is kind of what you were thinking of because I was kind of just going with whatever came to mind especially the promise ring haha! 🫶🏼🫶🏼

y/n’s pov

-

if you would have told me 4 years ago id be dating my bestfriend since childhood, I would have laughed in your face.

everyone saw it coming,everyone but us of course.

it happened when we both went on vacation to Hawaii with our families for a little getaway before Oscar started his formula 2 season. we’d all been drinking one night, and me and Oscar were the only ones left; we danced and spun our way across the beach feeling free and laughing til’ we couldn’t breathe anymore. I had spun too fast ,falling over and pulling oscar down with me.

it was like a switch had been flipped.

we couldn’t keep our hands or eyes off of eachother for the rest of the night.

when we woke up, we finally confessed our love to eachother and made things official. as soon as we went downstairs everyone already knew that we had admitted our feelings and that we were now together. typical.

but that was 3 years ago.

we’re now currently in our hometown, melbourne,soaking up the aussie sun at his parents home before the busy race weekend starts and it’s the definition of perfect.

on the first day in Melbourne, oscar had taken me and some of our mutual friends to the Great Barrier Reef and spent the day surfing and swimming.

it was perfect, growing up in Australia I was always too busy with school work and my own sports I never really had much time to explore many of Australia’s natural wonders.

this is one of the things I love the most about Oscar, he’s always so thoughtful and always knows how to make things special. He knew I wanted to go and he made sure it was just that little bit more special for me, he truly is one in a million.

on the second day, he took me to my favourite book shop and insisted on paying for whatever I wanted. I declined and told him he didn’t need to and that I’d pay for them myself but he of course told me to stop being silly and bought them anyway.

on the third day, we ate breakfast in bed and watched all of our favourite films (Harry Potter because Oscar’s a massive nerd just like me) whilst talking about anything and everything.

on the next few days we relaxed,visited friends and family and took time for ourselves.

on the very lasts day Oscar took us on a helicopter ride through Melbourne. It was heavenly,it was truly a dream come true. It was their where he had kissed me on my forehead before pulling out a ringbox, revealing a promise ring.

“y/n, I wanted to give you this as a promise that one day we will have everything we ever wanted and that I’ll be with you for the rest of my life and that even if things get hard I will always be there for you and by your side. this ring also signifies that one day we’ll have that big house with the white picket fence and little mini me’s and mini you’s running around. I love you so much y/n”. he said with tears pricking his eyes.

I had kissed him so passionately and that even tho it was just a promise ring, I knew that it was a promise of the life we would have and for that I couldn’t be happier.

-

authors note🎀 okay guys !!! what do you think of this?? I’m actually happy with this like AHHH!!! I felt like I was really motivated and it felt like this was kind of an easy flow but let me know what you think 🫶🏼 sorry its taken so long to get round to requests I’ve been very I motivated and had MAJOR writers block or whatever it’s called 🙄 I hope your all okay and looking after yourselves !!!

[leclerced]

i thought about oscar with baby fever and it became my roman empire. maybe he see’s her with her baby sister or smth and now he’s all like “i want one” and they have a list of baby names on the fridge and its just so wholesome and dnjendnskssn

this is so cute i can b soft for a second.

he would be so cute w baby fever he’s sending tiktoks and reels of babies, he’s asking all the drivers about their kids, trying to tell lando he should have a kid so theirs can grow up together and race against each other. lando tells him he is insane. you KNOW his mom is sending him packages full of his old toys and baby clothes she saved of his and his sister’s, so he has both in case of a boy or girl. you know he wants a big house and yard he just gives those vibes. goes out to the outskirts of the city so that they’re not surrounded by people but so he’s still reasonably close to the mtc. she’s not even pregnant when they move in and he’s furnishing the nursery. its definitely yellow themed and there’s one wall that’s painted like an australian outback (i think thats what they call it there?? am i wrong?? outback is a steakhouse in texas so it sounds wrong but ive heard daniel say it talking about aus) with kangaroos, koalas, and all kinds of things painted into the scenery. he’d have it done during the season when she’s traveling with him so that he can surprise her with it when they return home after a few months away. forget the refrigerator, he carries a list in his wallet with a pen and he’s constantly adding names and scratching them out, like he loved the name jessica until he saw a jessica on twitter tweet something rude about his girl and suddenly he hates all jessicas. (no offense to any jessicas reading this i had a bitchy coworker named jessica)

and then when she’s actually pregnant he would have the hardest time not immediately announcing it but everyone knows something is up, they didn’t tell anyone they were trying but oscar’s a lot happier than usual the entire season, because he’s constantly getting laid and getting to go raw and finish in her and honestly, that’s better than any first place finish he caught that season. so is the first time she wakes up throwing up, he feels bad but he can’t stop grinning like an idiot bc he’s so happy he doesn’t know what else to do. he’s holding her hair back with one hand and rubbing her back with the other and just keeps saying, “we’re having a baby” in a sing songy voice and she tells him, “i’m pretty sure it’s just food poisoning from that weird place we went to in the last city. i told you, we shouldn’t get food from places that smell like spoiled meat.” and he’s just like, “i’m pretty sure pregnant women have more sensitive senses of smell. i thought it smelled fine, plus i’m not sick.” and she’s hurling again at the thought of how bad it smelled, while he coos and tells her he loves her and their baby so much. then when she finally finishes throwing up and takes a test, he tries to watch her pee because he doesn’t want to be left out of anything but she makes him leave the room. she opens the door as soon as she’s washed her hands and he’s just standing in the doorway waiting to set the timer on his phone.

[professionalranter31]

So I mentioned in a previous post how Overwatch has a lot of factions that aren’t expanded upon a lot, so I’ve got a list of my top five that are currently represented and my top five that I wish got representation

We’ll start with the ones that currently have representation

Number five is Oasis, represented by Moira who is their Minister of Genetics however we do know in lore that there are other ministers so they could be playable in the future or someone else who works within Oasis

In the same vein as Oasis at Number four we got the Atlantic Arcology which is represented by Lifeweaver. It’s a similar place to Oasis where many great minds live in order to try and further research in various fields and I just feel like both of them should have more representation given the significance they most likely have with advancements in the Overwatch Universe

Number Three is Blackwatch, we only know of four of them and one them also doubles as representation for Overwatch. I want to know more about the black ops of Overwatch, like, did they have a tank?

Number two is the MEKA Squad, with what we know of them in lore is surprisingly little and I’m gonna be honest the vibes I’ve gotten from the lore is that D.Va does most of the work and I want to be proven wrong about that. Plus, the Genshin are meant to be this big threat but it’s hard to take it as a threat when we are only able to see the capabilities of one of Korea’s defenders

And at Number One, the Inti Tribe because why the absolute FUCK is Illari labeled as its only defender!? No seriously, she is fucking 18 why is she treated in lore as her tribe’s only defender. If she was their tribe’s only sun warrior that’s a different thing but she’s working with others to defend their tribe but the Sun Warriors made up the bulk of the defenses so at least then it still gives to the tragedy of her explosion while not leaving the literal eighteen year old as the only defender of an entire giant tribe I want an explanation Blizzard!!! I will crawl into your office like a demon possessed and tear through whatever lore books you have in there to find my answers give them to me!!!

On to the factions that don’t have representation within Overwatch that I feel should have it

At Number five we got the Hashimoto. They’re meant to Kiriko’s main enemy and as of the recent Hanzo short story his as well but they just feel like a dime a dozen goons from what we have seen. Like how Null Sector began to feel like more of a threat after Ramattra was added I feel like the Hashimoto would be seen as more dangerous if we actually got a hero to represent them

At Number Four, the Gwishin. Sort of the same story like with the Hashimoto except we do have some idea of what they are capable of, no what I want a hero to represent them for is how they happened in the first place and how they are able to adapt like they do

At Number three the Wastelanders of Australia, they’re the outcasts of the junkers and what Junker Queen used to be when she was exiled. It shows a new perspective on the Australian Wasteland that’s different from the Junkers

At Number two we got the UN. Look, given how big of a deal the UN is in the larger story of Overwatch I just feel like having a hero to represent them would be pretty good in terms of lore and generally either a character who is morally grey or a villain

At Number one we have the God AI. We currently know the names of four God AI, Anubis, Chernobog, Xibalba, and Macaria. Given the massive importance the God AI have in the lore of Overwatch I’m genuinely surprised that not one of them has been made into a playable hero. I’m also kinda impressed that Blizzard hasn’t released a hero that is just them taking a god from mythology and translating that into an FPS. Anyway, given the various purposes the AI had there’s plenty of ways to design their kits around it and there have been hints that some of the God AI achieved some level of Sentience such as Chernobog’s lore. So yeah, I want them represented in game

[swissboyhisch]

The Aussie Snack Experience

Pairing: Nico Hischier x Aussie!Reader

Summary: As a marketing idea, you get to feature in a video with Nico trying snacks from your home country.

Word Count: 1637

Warnings: Alcohol. A little bit of an AU as Devs and Rangers aren't apart of the global series.

A/N: Another to the Nico x Aussie!Reader series

THE MASTERLIST JOIN THE TAGLIST HOCKEY DISCORD

You had been missing home a little and asked your family to send a box of Australian snacks and drinks. Unsurprisingly, your parents sent you multiple huge boxes, much bigger than you had ever expected. Lollies, biscuits, chocolate. Soft drink, alcohol, milo. So many things from your childhood. Luckily you had a whole team of hockey players you could share with. 

When the news had gotten to Anna in the Media department about your delivery, she asked you if you were willing to do a video with Nico. Apparently the idea of Nico trying Australian snacks and drinks was a good marketing idea. Especially since New Jersey was one of the teams just announced as a part of the Global pre-season games in Melbourne.

For once, you accompanied Nico to the arena one this day with your boxes of Australian stuff in the back of the car. Jack had picked you both up. Meaning he got roped into help carrying the boxes into the room where Anna had set up the video production. You two were setting up while the boys had morning skate. 

“Did your parents actually send you all this?” Anna questioned as she unpacked the drinks box.

You hummed as you pulled out the little bags of different flavours of Shapes. So many things. “Yeah, I was feeling a little homesick. Missing some snacks.”

“And even alcohol?”

“Yep!” You respond as Anna holds up a four pack of cruisers. “Those are my favourite. They sent me a heap of them thankfully.”

As training neared the end, you prepared the fairy bread. The slices of white bread slathered with butter and the Hundreds & Thousands on top. The perfect kids party food. Anna had set up a table of food off camera. As you and Nico would sit in frame, Anna would bring one plate of food or a drink for us to try. Well Nico to try.

“Heya babe,” Nico hummed, coming to join you on the couch. His hair was wet from his shower. All shaggy just like you liked it. 

“Hey sexy.”

A flush coloured his cheeks at the comment. Nico pressed a kiss to your cheek as the media crew set up the equipment. Majority of it was done, just final touches before you all started the shoot. Nico was going to start off the video with a little welcome.

“Hi, my name Nico Hischier and I’m here with my Australian girlfriend (Y/N),” Nico starts off. “As preparation for the Global series in Melbourne, (Y/N) has brought in a heap of Australian snacks for me to try. Some I may have already had, some I haven’t.”

“I tried to make it so it’s mostly the ones you have,” You add.

Nico waved over to Anna, “Anna is going to bring in the snacks for us.”

“Snack one!”

Anna brought over a plate of Tim Tams, just the plain ones. You got excited at the sight. Since receiving the box, you haven’t actually eaten anything so you couldn’t wait.

“I’ve had these!” Nico exclaimed happily, immediately grabbing one and takinging a bite.

You follow his actions, taking a bite from the biscuit and savouring the taste. “Do you remember what they’re called?”

“Uhhh, Tim Tams yeah?” You clap happily, giving him a smooch on the cheek as a reward. He laughs, “Is that my reward, a kiss for every right guess on what they’re called?”

“That wasn’t a part of the plan but I guess we could fit that in.”

The next thing was a glass of milk which confused Nico. Anna put two glasses down before the pair of you. You knew exactly what it was for and it was something you haven’t done since you were a child.

“Uh…”

You laughed, “Time of a Tim Tam Slam.”

“You’ve never told me about this,” Nico argues.

Without telling him anything, you grab another biscuit and bite the two opposite corners. You dunk it a little in the lactose-free milk and suck like it’s a straw. Nico just watched on, confused as hell. 

“It makes it taste like chocolate milk,” You reveal, nodding for Nico to try his own. 

You watched as the Swiss tentatively bit off the corners and sucked up the milk. His eyes widened when he tasted the milk. 

“That tastes really good,” He comments.

You nod in agreement, “Now bite the Tim Tam.”

To you, the best part of the Tim Tam Slam was eating the biscuit after. The mushy biscuit. Sounds gross but it was so good. Anna brings out the next snack which is fairy bread.

“Is this the fairy bread?” Nico asks, examining the plate.

“The best party food of all time.”

“Isn’t a children’s party food?” 

You scoff, “I had this at my 18th birthday party thank you very much.”

Nico was tentative when he picked up a slice of bread. Spilling the Hundreds & Thousands over his lap. You giggled, taking your own piece and taking a bite. It took you back to your birthday where you and your best friend just ate the whole plate while drinking cruisers and cob loaf.

“Can we have a drink to wash this down?” You ask, smirking at Anna.

That was the code word you had sorted out earlier for Anna to bring out two of the cruisers. Both of them are your favourite flavour, Zesty Lemon & Lime. Nico saw them before they made it into frame. He lit up, having had Cruisers before as you loved drinking them when you went home for the off season. 

Nico immediately grabbed one, as did you, and clinked glasses. He took a sip happily. “These are Vodka Cruisers.”

“Like White Claws but better,” You add, taking another swig. 

“Lemon and Lime is probably the best flavour,” Nico comments.

You grin, “You take after me.”

Nico grabbed your legs, lifting them to rest them over his lap. You two made yourselves comfy which Anna loved. The fans were going to eat this up. Nico liked to keep you hidden, to himself. But this was a gold mine of content. 

“Do you have any Shapes on that table?” Nico asks, peering over behind the camera. 

At the request, Anna brings over multiple little bags of all the flavours of Shapes. Nico immediately went for the Pizza flavour. It was your favourite too. Then the door opened revealing Jack Hughes and Dawson Mercer.

“Snacks?” The youngest asked, heading straight for the table.

Anna suspected this would happen at some point. The team couldn’t help themselves but annoy whoever was on media duty. “If you want snacks, go sit with (Y/N) and Nico in front of the camera and introduce yourselves.”

Both of the boys excitedly sat in front of the couch like little kids. Your hand came to pat Jack’s head while Nico flicked the back of Mercer’s head.

“Seriously you two?” Nico huffed. 

“Leave them,” You laugh, nodding to Anna to bring out more snacks.

“Hi! My name is Jack Hughes and this is Dawson Mercer. We’re joining our parents to try Australian snacks from Mum’s home country.”

Dawson nodded, “What he said.”

The next to be brought out to the table was a bowl of favourites. Jack grabbed the Crunchy, Dawson grabbed a Flake, Nico went for a Boost and you grabbed a Picnic. Jack opened his, making the flakes of chocolate land all over his lap. Dawson just pissed himself laughing at his friend.

“They’re your favourite, yeah?” Nico asked, nodding to the chocolate in your hand. Trying to ignore the children in front of you two.

You nod, taking a bite. “Behind Chomps.”

“Chomp?” Jack questions.

At those words, Anna threw a couple bars of Chomp at you guys. You and Nico both caught yours but watching Jack and Dawson getting hit in the head cracked the you guys up. Jack looked like a deer in the headlights when he felt the bump before it landed in his lap. You didn’t waste any time though. Tearing into the bar and biting at the crunchy, caramel, wafer and chocolate treat. 

“Yo these are great,” Jack stated, chewing still.

You slap him up the back of his head, “Eat with your mouth closed Jackson!”

“My name isn’t Jackson,” he argued.

“Don’t argue with Mum.”

Nico rolled his eyes, “Love that we just suddenly have kids.”

You just picked up your cruiser again and skulled it. It’s better to deal with these two when drunk. Anna finally stopped laughing long enough to bring out lamingtons. Jack didn’t bother waiting, going immediately for the food. 

“What’s this?” Dawson asked you. 

You take one and offer it to Nico. He smiled, taking a bite of the dessert then pressing a little kiss to your lips. You hum at the taste coating your lips. 

“A chocolate lamington,” Nico answers for you.

In response to his words, you press a kiss to his cheek once more. “Neeks is right.”

“You guys want to wrap it up?” Anna suggests to you. 

Jack and Dawson weren’t even paying attention anymore, Just grabbing at the different snacks on the table. Luckily Jack was driving you and Nico as you both had drunk a couple cruisers through the duration of the filming. It wasn’t a game day which was why he was allowed to drink. 

You decided to do the outro as the two younger boys didn’t give a shit about the video. Nico was being clingy, holding you to him. “Thanks for watching me feed the boys Australian snacks. Make sure you guys come see the boys play against the Rangers in Melbourne on the 23rd and 24th of September. You may even catch a glimpse of me somewhere in the stadium. Peace out.”

“Bye!” The boys shout, waving at the camera. “See you in Australia!”

TAGLIST:

@findapenny @mp0625 @hischierhaze @11zegras @lvrzegras @francesfarhadi @cixrosie @daisysthings @jayrami3

[mrs-toohot]

Ryder, decoded

So the THTH writers apparently googled “Australian slang” and went copy/paste into his dialogue with absolutely no concept of what any of it means or how commonly it’s used.

So, as your resident Australian, I’m going to translate for you.

Below, you’ll find the examples I found so far, a translation, and a rating out of ten for how commonly it’s used / how accurate the slang is.

Disclaimer: I am born and raised Aussie. My ancestors were convicts. And while I do live in a major city, I grew up in the most country of country towns; population 847. So I am fluent in Aussie.

So without further ado:

Buggers.

If you look up the word buggers you’ll find it’s short for buggery which is the act of engaging in anal sex. But it’s not really used that way any more. I would never use “sexy buggers” that’s kinda weird. It’s only ever used these days as a light-hearted term, such as “cheeky bugger”(usually said with a hair ruffle). Alternatively, you can say someone’s “playing silly buggers” which means they’re messing around/being silly.

Accuracy of usage: 6/10

True-blue.

I see this and I think of this song which I believe they may have played at Steve Irwin’s funeral. It’s basically the same as “proper” or “right” for the Brits. Interchange with “verifiable”. Is entirely a stereotype and wouldn’t even be used ironically these days. In its place, we would use “fuckin’”. The only time this word is used is when you’re describing someone as “he’s a true-blue Aussie battler” (he’s very Australian)

Accuracy of usage: 1/10

Sheilas & blokes.

No. Absolutely not. Sheilas 🤢 is a way of describing a group of girls, but it’s very outdated. You could still call a guy a bloke, but it’s not interchangeable with “guy”. A bloke is specifically very traditionally Aussie & masculine, and you’d almost be more likely to use it as an adjective (I.e. “he’s a bit blokey”). I’ll be honest, you want someone who’s “blokey”, think “Gary from LITG”.

Accuracy of usage: 1/10 and 4/10 respectively

Ripper

Means ‘great’. And unless it’s in relation to specifically calling someone else a ‘ripper legend’ (shortened to ‘ripper ledge’) it’s not used commonly whatsoever.

Accuracy of usage: 2/10

Bonzer

No. Absolutely not. Never in a million years would bonzer be used today. It also means ‘great’ but this can’t even be used ironically. Even in the deep dark depths of country western NSW, using this word will get you looked at weird.

Accuracy of usage: -10/10

Crikey

Sorry to disappoint, but this one’s also a no. It means essentially “wow”. The only time we’d use this is to amuse internationals. We associate this word with ol’ mate Steve as much as you do.

RIP buddy 🪦

Accuracy of usage: 2/10

Fair dinkum & arvo

You’d ask if something was ‘fair dinkum’ if you were questioning if the aforementioned statement was true, or you were trying to figure out if someone was for real. “I’m Spider-Man”, “oh, fair dinkum?” It is… not common. Very outdated and only your countriest of the country boys would use it (and only if they’re 60+)

Now- ARVO- this is a different story. I use arvo EVERY DAY. It is short for afternoon and I don’t remember the last time I used the full word. “What’re you doin s’arvo?” Absolutely used every single day.

Accuracy of usage: 3/10 and 10/10

Have a squiz and take a gander

Both mean the same thing: take a look. Do not ask me where they come from but welcome to Australia. I have definitely said “give us a squiz” or “I’ll take a squiz” lol. The latter is still said but only by much older people. A funnier version ( only said ironically) is ‘have a captain cook’ (rhyming slang for ‘have a look’)

Accuracy of usage: 9/10 and 7/10

Have a yarn

Means ‘have a chat’, ‘talk’, or ‘shooting the shit’. This is actually really commonly used by indigenous Australians, and ‘yarning’ culture is really crucial and involves a cuppa tea 😁 I liked seeing this one pop up.

Accuracy of usage: 10/10

Possible upcoming slang:

Yeah, nah: No

Nah, yeah: Yes

Have a root: Sex

Pull your head in: Calm down, get it together, wisen up

Ta: thank you

Sweet as: sounds good

Righto/Righteo: alright

No worries: not a problem, that’s okay. Often said in conjunction with ‘she’ll be right’

No wukkas: no worries, short for “no wukkin furries” which is an intentional mispronunciation of “no fuckin’ worries”.

Bloody oath: bloody hell/Fuckin’ hell

Ocker/yobbo: super Aussie guy, see “bloke”. Specifically very country.

Drongo: forbidden phrase. Never used ever. Means an idiot/dork. If they use this I quit.

Flamin’ galah: said ironically, very funny. Said seriously, no.

Dropkick: super common. Similar to derro or deadshit. A loser, someone who is going nowhere in life.

Derro/deadshit: derro is short for derelict. Someone who bums cigarettes at the train station. Wears thongs (flipflops) everywhere even in winter.

Bum: (verb) to bum sth: to beg for/ ask for / grift for. “Can I bum a smoke off ya” (often followed by “I’ll pay you back”)

Let’s see what gems they come out with this week, shall we?

[samaraannhan20]

Harry Styles Imagine: College AU! College Visit

A.N.: I write what I know. I am a music education major with a theater minor. I’m sorry if this makes it hard for you to imagine yourself in this scenario. Please do not leave me any hate. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. Thank you :) 

Warnings: 6 year age gap, reader is a college student, music and theater education major, reader is in choir and theater, and is currently in two productions

“H, are you sure that you, and your family, want to spend the day here at school with me?” I ask Harry over the phone, for probably the millionth time since he told me he was coming to see me while school was in session. “I’ve told you a million times, I can just skip classes and choir that day. They will understand.”

“Love, I’ve told you a million times, I want to see what your everyday life is like. And with having the day off before going back on tour, and my mom wanting to see you again, I can’t imagine a better way to spend the day. Besides, I’ve always wanted to sit in on a college class.”

“Okay, fine. You’re lucky you’ll be here on a day I don’t have a lot of classes. Imagine if you were going to be here on a two rehearsal day,” I say with a chuckle, and he chuckles in response knowing that my days are almost as busy on the same level as his. 

“Mondays really are your tame days, aren’t they?” he replies, and I can tell he is laughing. 

“Shut up. I’m already at the hotel, since you booked it under my name, that way you don’t have to check in, you can just come to the backdoor. My car is back there, and I left the driver door unlocked with the room keys in the console. Same for Jeff and Mitch, Sarah, and bubs. You’ll get here at 8 tonight?”

“Yeah, darling, Mum, Gem, and I will get there at 8 tonight. Jeff, Sarah, and Mitch as well. And of course they’ll have bubs with them. I think Jeff and the two of them mentioned they wanted to come to your choir rehearsal, if you don’t think that will cause too much of a problem,” he adds, knowing that it might cause a problem. 

“Um, no. It shouldn’t, at least. I’ve talked to both of my directors, and since it’s been out there since the summer that we are together they kind of figured it would happen at some point. The choir director already had me share about it on Friday, and then he is going to send out a reminder text in the morning. The choir is amazing at being focused, so I really don’t think y’all being there will cause any problems. And everyone at play rehearsal has known for weeks that you would be here tomorrow. The only problem I can see is with my focus, because I only have 36 hours with you,” and I say, sighing. “I’m really sorry I can’t be there for your birthday. I just can’t miss that test.”

“I know baby, I know. And I’m not upset at all. I’m glad we at least get this day together.”

“Yeah, but I feel like I should make it out for your birthday show. I don’t know. Maybe I can leave right after my test on Tuesday and drive out. I think my other teacher for that day would be super understanding. And then I could stay with you and come back after the Grammys,” I tell him, because I already had plans to attend the Grammys with him, I just wasn't going to walk the carpet. “Wait, you don't have another show until the Brit Awards on the 11th. Where are you going after the Grammys? You’ll have like four days off-ish. ” I asked him, realizing he had never told me where he was going until the Australian leg of the tour started. 

“Well, as you know my mum and Gemma are actually heading out after our visit with you, they’re leaving Monday night, right after your rehearsal. We have to head out to Englnd to make sure we’re there in time for rehearsals, since I’m also performing at the Brit’s.. I’m looking at Jeff’s GPS and it says we’re about two hours away from the hotel, so I’m going to hang up so you can study and finish up your homework before we get there. Do you want me to pick up take out on my way in?”

“No, unless you want some. I stocked the room with groceries since I knew, besides coming to my school, which is super small and no one will see you besides the people who have already signed NDA’s, we would be in the hotel room. Also, I stocked your mom and Gemma’s room, and the other’s rooms as well.”

“Darling you didn’t have to do that. I could have sent security to the store or something,” he tells me, and I can hear the stress in his voice. 

“No, really, it was no big deal. It wasn’t as much as I’m making it sound, because there is room service, and the really good Chinese take out place is right down the street from the hotel, so I can just pop out and get it.”

“I’m paying you back,” he says, and I know I will never win this argument, so I just sigh. “Now, go study and do homework. I’ll be there before you know it. I love you.”

“I love you too H. See you soon,” I say, and pull the phone away from my ear as he hangs up. Two short hours. I can handle two short hours. I stood up from where I had been sitting on the bed and crossed to the desk where I had  already laid out all of the materials needed set out, my study music already playing from where it left off when I first got the call from Harry. I picked up my music history book, and flipped it open to the page I was supposed to start reading on. It didn’t take long before I was lost in the world of music history, reading about Bach and Handel. It took about 20 minutes for me to finish  reading, before I closed that book and opened the next one. This time I had to read and write a response, so I knew it would take longer. 

After about an hour, I closed that book and my laptop, now finished with homework and not sure what to do. I decided to pick up my phone and look through my social media. 

Right before the news broke about Harry and I, I made all of my social media private, so that only the people in life that I trusted were given an insight into my life with him. I already rarely used social media, besides using snapchat to send updates to friends, so it wasn’t hard to make sure no one was on it. I decided to open snapchat, and saw that I had an unopened picture from Harry that I hadn’t noticed had been delivered. I quickly open it and see a super dorky picture of him in the car, with Gemma making a stupid face behind him. I laughed, and then snapped a picture of myself and sent it to him, after writing a message that said I had finished homework and was just waiting. 

After a few minutes of waiting for him to reply, I got bored and restless, and turned on the television, just flipping to some random channel that had a movie playing, and then sat down on the couch provided in the room. The sitting soon turned to laying, and the laying turned to hanging upside down because I’m just so restless that I couldn’t sit in one position for too long. I was sitting like that when I heard the key beep in the door, and then the door creak open. 

“Love?” I heard from my spot on the couch, and scrambled to move, which just caused me to fall on the floor, because I am nothing if not clumsy. 

“I’m in here,” I say, as I make it to my feet and as I spin to face the doorway, he steps in. “Harry,” I say his name like it’s my last saving grace, and it’s just a sigh that falls through my lips, and I run to him, jumping into his arms as he opens them, wrapping my legs around his waist. 

“Hi darling,” he says as he holds me, before pulling me into a kiss. When he pulls away the two of us just stare at each other, being happy just to see the other's face, after not seeing each other since Christmas. I drop my legs from around him, and he sets me down on the floor, still with our arms wrapped around each other. After a minute, he laughs and says “Did you fall when I walked in?” and I shove him away, also laughing. 

“Yes, don’t make fun of me,” I say, and pout my lips, like a little toddler. 

“Oh, darling,” he says and walks back towards me. “I’m not making fun of you, I just wanted to know if I needed to check for injuries,” he says, and wraps his arms around me again, kissing the pout right off, because when his hands, or any part of his body, is on me, I’m all smiles. Especially since it’s been a month since I saw him last. We stand there just exchanging small pecks and smiles back and forth for an unknown (to us) amount of time, happy to be together again. However, there is always someone that comes along to interrupt, and low and behold after some time, there was a knock on our hotel room door. I giggle and pull back from Harry as he groans, and turn to go to the door. He, however, has different plans, and only allows me to turn around in his arms, keeping them tight around my stomach, and pulling back as I try to walk to the door. 

“Harry!” I exclaim with a laugh, “let me go get the door. It’s probably your mom and sister, and I miss them too.”

“Not as much as you miss me though. Don’t let them in. Let it just be us for a little longer,” he says, tucking his face into my neck and kissing the place that he knows will make me weak in the knees. 

“No!” I exclaim with another laugh. “I’m coming!” I shout to the door, knowing that whoever is on the other side can hear everything that is happening. When he finally lets go of my waist, I stumble forward, and almost fall, but then he catches me, spins us so he’s the one at the door, and whips the door open. I run up behind him, rest my chin on his shoulder, and smile widely at the five people standing in front of us. “Hey guys!” I say with a smile, and pull Harry out of the way so that they can all enter the room. They all say hello and give me a hug as they walk by, after I shove Harry out of the way so I can hug Sarah. I hug Anne the longest, because she has become a mother to me. She and I wrap our arm around each other, and walk into the “living room” of the hotel room, and she kisses the top of my head before letting me go and playfully pushing me towards Harry, who is now pouting on the couch. I go and sit on his lap, sideways, with my legs hanging off the other side of him, and he wraps his arms tightly around my waist as I curl my arms around his shoulders. He gives me a quick kiss and we just sit there looking at each other while everyone else talks, in our own little world. At least, until Jeff says my name. 

“Y/N,” he says, and my head whips in his direction, fully intending to turn my attention to him. “What time is the first class that you have to be at tomorrow?”

“Well, I figured since Harry is only interested in my music classes I would skip my 9 am, which would make my first class be at 10:45. And the school is only like ten minutes from here, so Harry and I wouldn’t need to leave until 10:30. I figured I could drive us since my car is here, and then everyone else can drive to campus for choir at 12.”

“Okay great, and after that?”

“Well, choir is at 12, like I just said, but I’ll have like a 20 minute break between the end of class and the start of choir, so I thought I would bring Harry back to my apartment to see my roommate that isn’t in choir, and then we would head back over for choir.”

“I want to see your apartment,” Anne jumps in, and that makes me remember that she had mentioned it before. 

“Oh, yeah. Well, I’ll have an hour break after choir before my technical theater class, so you guys could come over then. Harry mentioned he also wanted to go to that class, so I thought he would and then we could come back to the hotel for a few hours before I have rehearsal. Who all is making an appearance at rehearsal?”

“I think we all wanted to go to that,” Sarah says, looking around the room. 

“Yeah,” Gemma jumps in, “it’s not everyday that you get to see your little brother’s girlfriend acting on a stage.”

I blush, saying “I’m nowhere near as good as Harry though. And it’s kind of a sad show. Are you sure?” They all nod their heads in response, and I blush even more. “Okay, when Harry and I see the director in tech theater I’ll let him know that everyone will be there.” 

“And everyone who will be at anything tomorrow signed the group NDA that I sent?” Jeff asks, and Harry rolls his eyes. I smack him on the arm, reprimanding him.

“Don’t roll your eyes Harry, it’s important,” I say, before turning my attention back to Jeff, “Yeah, they all signed it last week. Anyone who didn’t want to was excused from choir for the day. It’s just going to be a bunch of review, nothing new. But I think y’all will still enjoy it. I mean, it's nothing like you’ve been in or have seen a lot of, of course. Just plain old college students prepping for our semester concert. You’ll probably think it’s boring,” I say, knowing that I at times think it’s boring. Harry tightens his hold on me, and shakes his head. 

“I don’t think it will be boring. In fact, I think it will be quite fun. Like you said, it’s not what we experience often, which is what will make it fun. Now, now that we’ve talked all this out, will you lot please go to your own rooms so I can have some alone time with my girlfriend, who I will remind you, has not seen me since Christmas, and after this week won’t see me again for another month, until her spring break?” he asks, with a smile on his face, but they all know that he isn’t joking. Jeff shakes his head, before standing up. 

“Yeah, I guess we can. C’mon Mitch, Sarah,” he says, and they both stand up and head towards the door. 

“See y’all tomorrow!” I shout towards them, and the three of them turn and wave back at me. Gemma and Anne stand up after the others leave. 

“Well, we’re tired, so we’ll let you guys be as well,” Anne says, and I stand up to give them both a hug goodnight. “Love you, both of you,” Anne says as I hug her, and I squeeze her a little tighter when she says it. Harry also stands to give his mom and sister a hug, and then follows them to the door.  As he shows them out I head into the bedroom and grab my pajamas from where I had laid them on the bed earlier, and turn to head towards the bathroom, to do my nightly routine. 

“Where’d you go?” I hear him shout from the living room, and I laugh because as clingy as he is I really missed it when we weren’t able to be together. 

“In here,” I shout, leaning out the bathroom door, before ducking back in and continuing to tie my hair back, so that I could wash my face without getting hair in the middle of it. Just as I finish tying my hair back he comes into the bathroom and wraps his arms around me. 

“I wanted to cuddle,” he says with a pout, before leaning down and kissing my shoulder. I place my hands over his arms where they are resting on my stomach, and meet his eyes in the mirror, laughing. 

“I need to wash my face. We both know we will go lay down to cuddle and won’t get back up again until the morning, and with the Grammys coming up I cannot afford any breakouts, so I have to do my skin care,” I explain as I look at his pouting face.

“Does that mean you changed your mind and you will walk the carpet with me?”

“It means I’m considering it, but I’m not making any promises. Now, can I wash my face?”

“Can I do it?” he asks me, turning me in his arms so that I am facing him rather than the sink.

“Can you do it without getting soap in my eyes?” I ask him, because we have been in this position before and he has fully gotten soap in my eyes. He nods vigorously, and I give in, handing him the soap. He places it on the counter next to us and lifts me up onto the counter before stepping in between my legs and grabbing a wash rag. He spends the next ten minutes doing my skincare routine, and when he is done he steps back to admire his handiwork. 

“Beautiful.”

I laugh before saying, “yeah, okay. Can we go lay down and cuddle now?” and he picks me up from the counter and taps my legs to have me wrap them around his waist before he carries me into the bedroom. He sets me down on the bed, and then slips his clothes off before slipping into bed next to me in his boxers. Once he settles he reaches his arm out for me, and I curl up next to him as we fall asleep. 

The next morning I wake up to a knocking on the door, and gently slip out of Harry’s arms and rub my eyes as I walk towards the door. I look through the peephole before opening the door, and groan when I see Jeff standing there with three coffees in his hand.

“Jeff. what the heck,” I say with a groan when I open the door. “We don’t have to leave for another… what time is it?”

“8,” he replies with a little laugh.

“Another two and a half hours. Why are you here?”

“I brought coffee,” he says, shoving the one I know is meant for me towards my face. “It’s a peace offering, because I need to talk about some business stuff with H for a bit.” At that I roll my eyes before responding. 

“You get to wake him up. I’m taking my coffee and taking a shower,” I say, and open the door far enough to let him in, before dropping it and slowly walking back to the bedroom, before beelining for the shower. I take my time in the shower, hoping that by the time I get out they will be done with whatever business they needed to talk about this morning. I’ve just gotten to rinsing my hair for the final time, when Harry knocks on the bathroom door. 

“Love, Jeff left. So you can finish up and get out, if that’s what you were waiting for. Also I grabbed the clothes you had set out last night. You forgot them when you came in here this morning.”

“Thanks H. I’ll be out in a minute,” I say, as I switch the water off and reach for my towel. I dry off and get dressed fairly quickly, because I am unaware of exactly how much time I spent in the shower, and I’m not sure if H is going to shower this morning. “Hey, babe, what time is it?” I ask as I walk into the bedroom, with the tail end of the coffee Jeff had gotten me in my hand.

“Uh, 9:45. When did you say the two of us need to leave?” 

“10:30. Were you going to shower this morning?” 

“Yeah, but it won’t take me long. I’m going to go hop in now,” he says, and as he walks by me he grabs my face for a quick kiss. I laugh as he pulls away, and playfully smack his ass. 

“Go get in the shower. I’ll still be here when you get out. In fact, I'll probably be drinking an energy drink, since last night was such a late night and then Azoff so kindly woke me up with his knocking on the door,” I say with a roll of my eyes. 

“I already sent Jeff to get you another one. He should bring it soon. I sent him to get it as he left because I knew you would want another one. I know you darling,” he says, and then closes the bathroom door to shower. I sit down on the edge of the bed and put on my shoes, before chugging the end of my coffee and then flop back on the bed. I’m probably lying there for a grand total of two minutes before there is another knock on the door. I stand and walk to the door, open it without looking, and hold my hand out for the coffee. 

“Thank you Jeffrey,” I say, and close the door. “See you later!” I shout, knowing he is still standing out there, and with a quick look through the peephole I see him shaking his head at me. I laugh and head back into the bedroom to wait for Harry, but when I get back in there he is already in the room, and as I walk in he is pulling his sweat pants up. “Ya know? I like you better without the pants.”

Harry laughs at me, and turns to face me. “And I like you better without the clothes you have on right now. But we have to get you to school, Miss college student,” he says as he crosses the room and pulls me into his arms. 

“I know, I know. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t a college student because then I could go on tour with you.”

“Yeah, me too. But I know that you wouldn't be content just sitting on a tour bus all the time. Which is why I force you to do your homework and pass your classes, because you and I both know that you don’t just want to be a trophy wife. And I want you to be happy,” he says, and then lifts my chin and pulls me into a kiss. After we pull away we just sit there looking at each other, because neither of us wants to end this moment. Unfortunately, there is a knock on the door, and Harry begrudgingly pulls away to go answer the door. As he walks towards the door, he says over his shoulder, “tonight, it will be just us, and we will explore this no-clothes idea.” I laugh as he opens the door to his Mum and Gemma standing in the hall. “You guys are up early,” he states. 

“Well, Mum wanted to see what the clothing vibe for today was, since it's been a bit since she was on a university campus,” Gemma says as she walks into the room, spots the coffee in my hand, and holds her hand out for a sip. 

“You won’t like it,” I say as I hand it to her, knowing that we have two completely different coffee tastes.  She takes a sip anyway and immediately makes a face and shoves the drink back to me. Anne and Harry laugh as I say, “told ya,” with a smirk on my face. She playfully smacks me, and then turns back to the conversation. “Nothing formal. You’re just coming to watch the choir rehearse. No big deal. It’s college. No one dresses nice unless they have to. This is what I’m wearing,” I say and motion towards my outfit. They both nod their head, and as they do so I wrap my arms around Harry from behind, and rest my chin on his shoulder. “H and I need to leave soon, so did y’all have anything else you needed?”

“Oh, right. I forgot the two of you were leaving before everyone else,” Anne tells us, and begins to head for the door. “We will see the two of you later then,” she says and then the two of them duck out the door, and it closes behind them. 

“Well,” I say, stepping around Harry so I’m facing him. “I think we should head out soon. Give my classmates, all three of them, time to fawn over you before class starts, so that by the time class starts they’re over it,” I say with a laugh, and he pulls me into him, and digs his face into my neck.

“They won’t really do that will they?” he mumbles, and I pull back to get a good look at him. 

“Um, I can for sure say that Nat won’t, because she’s my best friend. As for the other two, I’m not sure. I honestly think choir might be worse. But, every single one of them has signed an NDA so at the very least nothing will be leaked and we won’t be swarmed by paparazzi.” He just nods and pulls me back into him, kissing me gently. 

“I’m excited to finally meet Nat in person. She’s like all you talk about,” he says, laughing. 

“Well she thinks that you’re all I talk about. It’s going to be hilarious how much the two of you already know about each other because of me.” He just laughs again, before pulling away and grabbing my hand, leading me out the door and to the car. He opens the driver side door for me, and kisses me one more time after I get in before shutting it and crossing to the other side of the car and getting in the passenger side. My phone immediately connects to the bluetooth, and starts playing the last thing I had listened to in the car, which just so happened to be Harry’s House. I whip my head to the side and look at Harry, and we both just crack up. I hand him my phone so he can change it, and after a minute or two he changes it simply to my road trip playlist, even though this is only a 15 minute drive. He turns it down, and we chat the whole way to campus. When we get to campus I park outside of the building we are heading to, and we just sit there in silence for a moment. 

“This is going to be great. You get to learn a little music history,” I say and unbuckle my seatbelt and turn to him, “and meet my mentor, and my best friend. All in one class period. And then we get a 20 minute break before choir.” He leans across the console and grabs my face in his hands, and pulls me in for a kiss. “Are you nervous?” I ask as we pull apart. 

“Uh, yeah. But not too bad. Mostly about meeting Nat, like I said before,” he says, looking at his lap sheepishly. 

“She’ll love you,” I say, before leaning across the console and kissing him again. “We need to go in though. Will you grab my backpack out of the back? I’ll grab our cups,” I ask, and he nods, opening his door and getting out. I open my door and then grab our cups, before stepping out of the car. We clasp our hands together, and make the short walk to the building my class is in, and when we enter I give him a little tour. “Here are the practice rooms, here is the lab, with our book cubbies and computers. And this is the Piano teacher’s office/classroom.” We turn and walk down the hallway until we enter the small classroom that my class is held in. “And this is the classroom. Everyone should be here soon. I sit here, you can sit in the chair I usually put my bag in,” I tell him as I pull out the chair for him, and let him cross behind me before pulling my own chair out and sitting down. “So, what do you think of the building so far?” I ask, turning to face him when I finished digging my book out of my bag and set it on the table. 

“It’s small. I mean, I knew it was small, but it’s tiny,” he says, emphasizing the tiny. I laugh, and go to respond, but as I do that someone walks through the door.

“Nat!” I exclaim and wave for her to come sit down. “This is Harry, as you know,” I tell her with a small chuckle. 

“Oh yeah,” she says, also laughing, “I’ve heard a lot about you,” she tells him.

“And I you,” he says with a smile. The two sit and talk, while I just smile and listen, happy that the people I am closest to have finally met. Before long the other two people in the class trickle in, and finally the teacher. He plops his book down on the table, before holding his hand out for Harry to shake. Harry stands and reaches across the table to shake his hand. 

“I’m Dr. Percival, but they call me Dr. P, and you can as well,” he says as he shakes Harry's hand, and drops it before continuing. “And I’d assume that you are the infamous Harry that Y/N can’t shut up about?” he says with a teasing smile.

“That’s me,” Harry says with a smile as he sits back down. I push the book  in between Harry and I  so that he can follow along as well, and hand him one of my purple pens to mark in the book whenever needed. 

“He’s not going to distract you, is he Y/N?” 

“No, it’ll be fine. I do my homework with him all the time,” I  say with a slight chuckle, and everyone else chuckles as well. Dr. P nods his head, and then dives into the book. Throughout the class period both Harry and I make many marks in the book as the class goes on. At the end of class, Dr. P closes his book and turns to Harry. 

“I hope you enjoyed that Harry. You seemed to be pretty into it,” he says with a smile in Harry’s direction.

“It was very interesting,” Harry replies, smiling back at the professor. 

“You’re joining us to visit in choir, right?”

“Uh, yeah. Along with my Mum and sister, and my manager and two best friends slash bandmates,” Harry says with a laugh. 

“Well, I will see you then. Enjoy your little break everyone,” Dr. P says as he heads out the door. As he leaves, you, Harry, and Nat all stand up. 

“I think we’re,” I  motion to Harry and myself, “going to run back to my apartment so I can eat a snack before choir,” I finish, and then grab Harry’s hand to pull him with me. Nat waves goodbye, and I head out the door with Harry in tow. The two of us walk in silence on the short walk to my building, our joined hands swinging in between the two of us. When we get back to my apartment, I drop his hand, and walk over to the kitchen cabinet. “Want a snack?” I ask him as I fished around in the cabinet for the snack I was  looking for. 

“Yeah, come here,” he says from where he was standing. 

“Um, the snacks are over here doofus. How am I supposed to get us a snack if I’m over there?” I respond, and then grab what I was looking for, turning to look at him, the snacks in  hand. I walk over to him as I open my snack and take a bite, waving the one for him in front of his face. “See, now I can come over here,” I say around the bite of food I have in my mouth, swallowing as I hand him his.  He laughs, taking the food from my hand, and then pulls me into him. He leans down and kisses me deeply, before pulling away and taking a bite of the open granola bar in my hand. “Hey!” I exclaim in response as he opens his own granola bar. “You owe me a bite of that. And what was up with the kiss?”

“I like watching you in your element, like you were in that class. And how carefree you were as we walked over here. I never feel like I can be carefree, unless I’m with you. Then it feels as though it’s just the two of us,” he says, wrapping his free arm around my waist as we both snack on our granola bars. I finish first, and just stare off into the distance as I stand there, thinking about what he just said. 

“At first, when we first shared our relationship, I was always on edge walking around campus, because you never know who is watching, and what is going to be turned into a magazine or something. But then I decided I don’t deserve to live on the edge, so now I don’t care. And you shouldn't either, Babe. people are going to say what they want to say, and there’s nothing you can do about it. And this campus is a safe space, there’s no need to be worried here,” I tell him, and then I completely wrap myself up in him. We just stand there in a hug for a minute, before he speaks up. 

“I’ll do my best to be carefree the rest of the day here. I can tell that it’s a safe space,” he tells me, and then places a kiss on the top of my head. We stand there for a bit longer, but then I pull away. 

“We have to get to my choir rehearsal,” I say as I grab his hand and begin to pull him to the door. We hold hands again on the way to the rehearsal hall, walking in silence again. As we walk I see the other choir members being to trickle into the rehearsal building, and I watch as a few of them notice the two of us walking across campus. As we get to the building, we walk in, and I immediately see Anne and Gemma, and Jeff, Sarah, and Mitch. Sarah is holding the little guy, and as soon as he sees me and Harry he reaches out for me. I laugh and drop Harry’s hand, grabbing the little guy from Sarah. “I can’t hold you the entire time little one,” I say to him as I carry him down the hall, and just assume that everyone is following me. “But I can hold you for now.” The seven of us arrive at the end of the hallway, and Jeff opens the door for all of us, and I walk in first, with the others walking in behind me. Dr. P sees me as we walk in, and, after telling the others where they can sit, pulls me aside for a second. 

“Would you be okay making a little announcement, just kind of introducing everyone to the choir? I want this to be as normal of a rehearsal as possible, and I think that might help a little,” he says to me, and I respond with a “one second,” before walking over to the group sitting at the only table in the room. 

“Jeff, H, would it be okay if I make an announcement? Maybe each of you will introduce yourself shortly? Dr. P thinks that might be the best way to have as close to a normal rehearsal as possible.” Jeff and H look at each other, having one of their silent conversations, and then turn back to me. 

“Yeah, I think that will work,” Jeff says to me, and I thank him, before heading back over to Dr. P. I tell him that they said it would be okay, and he thanks me before turning to answer a student that had a question. I walk back over to the six of them, and hand the little guy to Sarah, before crossing back to Dr. P as he gets everyone’s attention. Once he does, he tells them that I have an announcement, and then points to me, before sitting in his chair for a moment. 

“Hey guys,” I start with a little chuckle. “As you can tell, we have some guests here. Um, I know everyone knows who they are, especially since everyone in here is a huge music person, but they’re going to shortly introduce themselves. One thing that I ask is that you treat them like you would treat any other visitors we have. They’re like my family, and are just here for a short visit to see what my everyday life is like,” I finish. Then I walk over to Jeff, who is sitting on the end, walk behind, and hover my hand over his head. “First is…” I trail off, and Jeff takes over, introducing himself. I then hover my hand over each of them, and end with Harry at the other end. 

“I’m Harry,” he says, and you think he is done, but he keeps going. “I appreciate you guys allowing us to be here today, and just treating us like normal people, because, although we are famous, we're still people. I’m excited to hear the music you all create,” he says, and then he looks up at you, signaling that he’s done. 

“Again, thank you guys for being normal and treating them like they are real people, because they are. Back to you Dr. P,” I say, and then go and stand in my spot on our risers. He thanks me for doing that, and then starts our rehearsal like normal. 

The rehearsal winds up being exactly like normal, until after it’s over. It’s then, as I pick up my binder to go put it away, that I notice a line has formed in front of Harry and the others. I drop what I’m holding and run over there. 

“What the heck y’all? You were doing so good at acting like it was normal. What are you doing?” I screech as I get over there and stand in front of Harry and the first person in line, blocking him from them with my body. 

“You never said we couldn’t get autographs after rehearsal,” James, the guy at the front of the line states. 

“Yeah, because it goes without saying. Shoo. He’s not here for your entertainment. So leave him, and everyone else alone!” I shout, and then Dr. P whistles to get everyone’s attention. 

“Everyone, away from Y/N’s guests. We agreed to treat them like normal, and this is not treating them like normal. Everyone put your stuff away and go to your next class. Now!” he tells them, in the voice that makes all of them aware of how serious he is. Slowly, they all turn and put their stuff away and head out the door. After everyone is gone I turn and wrap my arms around Harry’s waist, and bury my face in his neck. 

“I’m so sorry. I thought they would be fine. I never thought they would do that,” I mumble into his neck, and he whispers an “Its okay,” into the top of my head as he rests his head there and wraps his arms around me. 

“I’m sorry everyone. They will be getting a very firm speech tomorrow. Heaven forbid they act like celebrities are just people,” Dr. P says, looking from one person to the other.  “And since James was the leader of the pack I will be calling him into my office to have a conversation. Again, I’m sorry. Have a good rest of your day everyone,” he finishes, and then leaves the room. None of us move, and I think that they don’t move simply because I am not moving. 

When I finally pull away from Harry, I shoot a small smile towards the others. 

“I’m really sorry you guys.  I expected them to be able to act like normal. If y’all don’t want to come to the rehearsal tonight, I understand.”

“No, we’re coming,” Harry butts in. “You've told me yourself that the cast is really small, and they're all your good friends, so I do not expect them to behave like the choir did. It will be fine. Everyone that was planning on coming to rehearsal, which I think was only me and… wait, no. We were all coming. Sarah, Mitch, Jeff, if you don’t want to come then that’s fine. But, Mum, Gemma, I really want you to be there, and Y/N won’t say it, but she also wants you to be there.” I watch the thoughts cross everyone’s minds, and then Sarah pipes up.

“I still want to come. I mean, you’re really close to production, right?” I nod my head, and then Sarah starts speaking again. “When will we get another chance to see Y/N in a show? We’re always touring, and when we aren't we’re all in our own homes, towns, so on. So, I will be going. And if I go Mitch will. So, Jeff, you’re the only one still debating. C’mon. After next week Mitch and I are taking a break, and everyone else will be in Australia.”

“Yeah Jeff,” I say, looking at him. “When else will you get to see me be the lead?” I ask, with a tilt of my head and the look Harry has named my “puppy dog” face, because I use it at any moment where I want something. In fact, that look is part of the reason Harry and the team had come to visit.

“Fine. You have a point,” Jeff says, and then playfully shoves me. “Now drop the puppy dog look. You got your way,” he says with a smile. Everyone gives a little cheer, and then I clap my hands together to get their attention. 

“Okay, y’all wanted to see my apartment, and due to our little kerfuffle and then conversation we now have only…” I trail off as I grab Jeff’s arm and check the time on his watch. “40 minutes before Harry and I are supposed to be in tech theater class, so we best get going if you want to see it,” I say, before grabbing Harry’s hand and dragging him towards the door. He stumbles after me, and we make it outside before anyone else. He pulls me into him and we stand there with my head resting on his shoulder and his head resting on mine while we wait for everyone to make it out the door. 

“I can’t wait to finally be alone again,” he whispers to me, and just as the words leave his mouth everyone else makes it out the doors, so I just pull back and peck his lips, before moving away. 

“Okay, my apartment is right over there,” I say with a point, because my building is just across from the rehearsal hall. “But, if everyone is going back to the hotel when we go to class, then I suggest y’all drive over there. The parking lot is in the back. We can walk over and I’ll let y’all in when you get there,” I tell them, and they all nod before heading to the car Jeff had rented for all of them. We watch as they pile in, and then Harry takes my hand and we walk to the building. This time we make small talk as we walk over, and I ask him what he thought about rehearsal. 

“It was so different from what I had been imagining. I understand now why you’re always worn out afterwards, and why you take a 1 o’clock nap everyday,” he says with a laugh, and I chuckle along with him. “And Dr. P is so intense in rehearsal.”

“And that was a good rehearsal,” I tell him with a small smile. “Imagine what a bad day is like,” I say, and he grimaces and shakes his head. 

“At least you know what you’re doing, and you know you’re not one of the people he gets upset with on the bad days.” I nod in agreement, and then open the door to the building to let him in. As we walk in I see the others standing outside the doors to the parking lot, and I let out a loud laugh as I run across the entryway to let them into the building. “Sorry,” I say to them, still laughing as I open the door. “We were walking slow because we were talking,” I tell them as they walk past me. They all nod or murmur in understanding, and I lead them to the elevator. “Those are our mailboxes,” I say, pointing to the alcove full of postboxes next to the elevator. “If we get a package we get a slip put in there and then we go to the campus postoffice with our slip to get our package,” I tell them, and then realize that I just explained how a PO box works. “I’m sorry. You definitely already knew that was how a PO box works,” I say with an awkward chuckle. Anne walks to me and gives me a one-armed hug. 

“You’re just nervous. I was too, the first time I invited people to my house,” she tells me, and then gently squeezes my shoulder. I smile in appreciation, and then the elevator doors open and we all step on. I press the button for the third floor, and grimace as the doors take forever to close. 

“Sorry, our elevator is super slow. At least you’re not here on a day that it’s broken,” I say to them as it starts to move. “Week before last it was broken, and I was almost certain no one told the building supervisor, because there was no out of order sign on it. I thought we had all just adapted and started taking the stairs.”

“Everytime I called her,” Harry says, starting to laugh as he starts to tell a story, and I start to blush because I know exactly what he’s going to say. “She would complain about having to take the stairs, and would say she was going to start sleeping in the lobby until they fixed the elevator. They wound up fixing it on a Saturday,” he says as the elevator stops and we all step out and I begin to lead everyone to my apartment at the end of the hall. “and it was night when she got back and realized, so after my show ended I had a selfie of her in the elevator that said ‘I don’t have to sleep in the lobby!’” He tells the story with a smile, continuing as we walk down the hall to my apartment, and I hide my face in his arm as he tells it, hoping that no one is seeing how hard I’m blushing. Everyone gives a slight chuckle as the story ends, and while they're laughing I slide my key into the lock and open my apartment door, holding it for everyone to come in. I watch them take in the small apartment, because it is a school provided apartment, and begin to overthink about how small it is and that they may not like it, and just as I start to get into my own head, Gemma speaks up. 

“Y/N,” she says with a huge smile on her face as she turns to look at me. “This apartment kitchen is so cute! You did such a good job decorating.” I blush as she says it, and then feel Harry wrap his arms around me. 

“This is just the kitchen and  common space. Wait until you see her room,” he says, and then points the women in the direction of my room. I laugh as I see that Jeff and Mitch, who has little guy in his lap, are just sitting on the couch, obviously not caring about decorations. Harry unwraps himself from me, places a kiss on my forehead, and then goes to join the guys in the living room. I laugh again, and then head into my room. 

“Wow,” Sarah says the moment I walk in. “This is so impressive.” 

“Thanks,” I quietly say, blushing because I hate being complicated. 

“No seriously,” Gemma says, standing in front of my desk area. “How did you make this work in such a small space?”

“Well, I played a lot of Sims when I was in high school, so I got kind of good at interior design,” I say with a laugh. “Want to see what I did with the bathroom?” They all nod, and I show them that room, and then, after they tell me how much they love it, we walk back into the living area. “Well, that’s the apartment,” I say as I sit down on the arm of the chair Harry is sitting in. “Hey, babe,” I say, turning slightly to look at him. “What time is it?”

“Uhm, 1:45. We should probably head to your class, yeah?” he asks, and I nod in response. Everyone who was sitting stands up, and we head for the door. I lock the door behind us as everyone heads for the elevator. When we get to the lobby I give everyone a hug goodbye, before Harry and I head out the opposite doors, heading back to the building we had left not that long ago. 

Technical theater turns out to just be more painting for the set of the show we are currently working on, and for an hour Harry and I paint the set, with the other people in my class. When that’s over we head to my car, and I drive us back to the hotel to get changed, and then we meet everyone in the lobby of the hotel and head to dinner before we all go to my rehearsal. 

After dinner we head back to the school, and, luckily, the seating in our theater had been set up the day before, so rehearsal turns into a basic performance for me and everyone in the cast. Before rehearsal starts, I introduce the other people in the cast to Harry and the others, even though most of the people were also in choir. We as a cast do our warm-ups, and then I head backstage to get ready for my first entrance. 

Throughout the rehearsal, every time I come off stage, I go around the side of the set wall, and make a face at Harry. He laughs quietly every time, and Anne slightly hits his shoulder each time, making me laugh.  After rehearsal ends I say goodbye to my cast mates, and then we all pile into the car as Jeff drives to the airport, in order to send Gemma and Anne off. Harry and i get out at the airport to say goodbye, and then we drive back to the hotel. After we get back to the hotel, Harry and I say goodnight to everyone, and then duck into our hotel room. As soon as the door shuts behind us Harry pulls me into him, and pulls me into a deep kiss. 

“Thank you for inviting us,” he says when he pulls away. “I know it’s hard for you to open up to other people, especially when it comes to your acting and singing. But thank you.” I blush and smile, before grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him into a deep kiss. He taps the back of my legs, and I jump into his arms as he carries me into the bedroom, closing the door behind us, just in case. 

In the morning, when I wake up, I shoot a text to Jeff. 

Hey, make sure you have a pass for me at the ticket booth tomorrow night. I’ll drive out as soon as my test is over.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Excellent Bugle episode this week, episode 4311. I’d wondered for the last couple of days why it hadn’t come out, because they’re usually recorded around Saturday and released on Mondays. This one came out on Wednesday, and as soon as I started listening to it, of course I understood why. They presumably waited a couple of extra days to record to see if more news would unfold in the Trump situation, so they wouldn’t have to talk about something that people knew nothing about.

I guess it’s also worth taking a bit of time to plan your wording instead of responding to that incident immediately after it happens. Find a way to say both “Obviously you shouldn’t assassinate people” and “We still hate that guy though”, strike the balance in a way that won’t have the Daily Mail announcing WOKE SOCIALIST COMEDIANS SUPPORT POLITICALLY-MOTIVATED MURDER AND JACK BLACK WON’T MAKE MUSIC WITH THEM ANYMORE. I think they did a pretty good job of avoiding that, though Andy might have toed the line a little when he read out a list of victims of successful assassinations who deserved to die less than Trump did. I enjoyed that list.

Anyway, I was pleased when the episode appeared in my podcast app this morning, and even more pleased when I clicked and saw the lineup. Andy Zaltzman, Tom Ballard, Chris Addison. Tom Ballard hasn’t been on The Bulge in a while so it was nice to have him back – he was there in person, as he’s doing WIPs in London right now. Which I know because I’ve been checking the London comedy venues for stuff to see while I’m there, and learned that I could see a Tom Ballard WIP if I were there just a few days earlier. But it’s all right that I’ll miss it, since I’m seeing him in Edinburgh. I think his current WIPs are less about working out the show in general, as he did have it finished, but more about translating the Australian politics-focused material to Britain for an Edinburgh run/British tour. I’m really looking forward to seeing the show.

So I was pleased to hear from Tom Ballard on The Bugle again, but I have to say, the only small downside to this fantastic episode is that Tom Ballard didn’t actually get all that much of a look-in. And that’s not due to any weaknesses in what he had, it’s because he was on with Chris Addison, and the other guests always get pushed to the side of the edit when they’re on with Chris Addison, and rightly so.

I’ve said before that Chris Addison is an amazing Bugle guest because he doesn’t do stand-up anymore. The Bugle isn’t a fully improvised podcast; Andy and the guests turn up with prepared material on topical subjects and then present it and react to each other’s stuff. But most of the time, the comedians are writing for lots of different things at once, and put down a few bullet points worth of ideas for stuff to say on The Bugle. If one of those ideas is deemed good enough to make their stand-up show, they’ll polish it up for that. The version they take to The Bugle is their rough draft.

But not Chris Addison. He doesn’t have a stand-up show to be the final version, or other areas to spread out his ideas. He’s writing multiple finished, polished stand-up monologues for each topic they discuss. He’s throwing all his gold at The Bugle, because he doesn’t have to save any for anywhere else. Andy and other Bugle guests have stopped more than once during his episodes to admire his work/admonish him for making everyone else look bad. One time when Nish Kumar did this after one of Addison’s routines, Chris Addison explained that he just comes across this way because The Bugle is the only opportunity he’s had to write new comedy material in over ten years, and he misses it and enjoys that chance. Which made me say, how many other talents are being wasted out there because Andy Zaltzman didn’t work with them in the early 2000s and put them on the Bugle 15-20 years later? How many brilliant comedians don’t write stand-up material anymore, but are just itching for a chance to do it again, if only an old friend would invite him on a podcast?

That’s what Chris Addison does normally, and this latest episode was no exception. If anything, I think he was on stronger form than usual. He had multiple monologues across the episode that were formatted like a proper, fully-formed stand-up routine. He had tags on tags, of the sort that most comedians only develop after months of WIPs where they think of one or two more words at a time. One of his monologues had a callback to something from a previous monologue. Oh my God, Chris, just fucking book some stand-up gigs again. You can still write your sitcoms and whatever else you’re doing.

So that was great, once again. But that isn’t actually the reason I wanted to write this post. The reason I’m writing this post is to call attention to this exchange, from fairly early into the episode:

Andy Zaltzman: I’d like the Republican Party to become a serious political organization again. That’s right up there with my absolute top pipe dreams, along with eternal peace; guilt-free foie gras; a functioning rail network; compulsory lanyards for all – everywhere, all the time, so we don’t have to remember anyone’s name; a ceasefire in the culture wars – and an equitable and lasting ceasefire, not just one that bumps all the problems down the road, [cough] Versailles; competent top-level administration that safeguards the future of Test cricket for at least the next 4,000 years; and having a head like an orange. Those are my top pipe dreams. Chris Addison: [laughs] That’s a very, very good – very in-joke.

That is an excerpt from Bugle episode 4311, released on July 16 but recorded on July 15, 2024. Now I would like to draw your attention to an excerpt from a questionnaire that sketch comedy duo Zaltzman and Oliver filled out about their 2004 Edinburgh Festival show, published on BBC.co.uk on July 28, 2004:

If the Edinburgh fairy could grant your wish, what would your wish for? AZ: A head like an orange. JO: A head like an orange.

Here’s the important thing about those two quotes: I have carefully combed through the entire individual and combined back catalogues of Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver, and I am pretty confident that those are the only two references ever made to having a head like an orange. This includes within the two sources – I have quoted the entire relevant passage both times, there is no context around it to explain what the hell they’re talking about. They made this joke one time in 2004, I read that questionnaire ages ago and wondered what they were talking about, and now they’d done it again, nearly exactly 20 years later. Like, within two weeks of being exactly twenty years later. And they will not tell us what they mean.

Now, it is possible that I’m just forgetting something here. The fact that Chris Addison recognized the joke in 2024, and that it apparently originated in 2004, makes me wonder if it could have been from The Department, the radio show that Andy Zaltzman, John Oliver, and Chris Addison wrote and starred in together in 2004-2006. I’ve heard every episode of that show a few times each and I don’t remember anything about a head like an orange, but it was pretty dense writing so I could have missed it.

The other possibility is that this is something from Political Animal, the stand-up night that Zaltzman and Oliver ran in London/in Edinburgh during the festival, starting 2003. They’d host it and other comedians would come on to do exclusively political stand-up material, and I know Chris Addison was one of the people who performed there a lot in the early days (Andy, you need to re-start Political Animal in 2024, just so you can make Chris Addison do a set). Some of this got recorded for BBC Radio 4 as well, and there were a lot of weird Zaltzman and Oliver sketches that appeared in the radio show in between the guests, and someone having and/or wanting a head like an orange seems like the sort of thing that could have happened in one of those sketches. I don’t remember it happening, but it’s been a while since I’ve heard that show, so it could have been in there. Even if it never appeared on the radio show, my best guess for the origin of the Orange Mystery is that it was some inside joke from their many Political Animal live shows that didn’t get recorded.

I really want to know this now. I wanted to know before, that 2004 questionnaire is one of my favourite of the weird like Zaltzman and Oliver historical relics. But I want to know even more now that it’s been referenced for only the second ever that I can remember, twenty years later, and we have confirmation that Chris Addison knows what it means. But he’s not telling. And neither is Andy.

I mean, they didn’t tell us, there. Didn’t say they’d never tell. I do pay The Bugle approximately $28/month – by far my most expensive monthly direct debit (well over twice the amount that I pay every month for any other one thing, besides, you know, rent and bills), even though I keep telling myself I need to be careful with money and should probably cancel that one because I can’t quite afford it, but I’ve taken so much free entertainment from Andy Zaltzman that it feels like the least I owe him.

The point is that because I pay this much money, I am a premium subscriber who can access their monthly show in which Andy answers questions submitted by premium subscribers. I just recently wrote a post about how I tend to be horrifically embarrassed by the thought of interacting with comedians I like, normally I’d never do this. But I’m thinking I might, in this case. It’s a reasonable question, isn’t it? Why does Andy Zaltzman want a head like an orange? I might send that in. Interacting with famous comedians does feel slightly more justified if I've paid for the privilege.

It originated way too early to be a Trump joke, no one was talking about his orange head in 2004. I keep trying to picture a head like an orange, in the hopes that that that will jog my memory of some other time when that image has been in my head, perhaps due to some other reference that I’d heard Zaltzman and Oliver make to it but had since forgotten. But every time I think of it, all I can picture is the curious orange from This Morning with Richard Not Judy, and that’s not it. I have never heard Zaltzman and/or Oliver reference Lee and/or Herring, I can’t imagine they’d start with this. My only other vague guess is maybe a joke about the colour of Andy’s hair? But why?

@lastweeksshirttonight @nyomkitten @bimwi, any of the Tumblr Buglers recognize this? Can any of you read this post and say, "How on Earth is Meerkats forgetting the very obvious [old Bugle episode in which they clearly explain their in-joke about a head like an orange, which I am somehow the only idiot who can't remember]?" Because if none of you tell me that's the case, then I'm emailing Andy Zaltzman to ask. Well, I'm emailing Producer Chris, and I'll just have to hope he puts the question to Andy.

Although I recently heard someone else get the opportunity to put just one question to a comedian, and they went with "Fuck marry kill - Rob Beckett, Ricky Gervais, Daniel Kitson", and it did make me think that is the perfect use of an opportunity to ask a comedian one question, and that should be the only question asked by any fan who's ever in such a situation again. Sorry to betray that by asking about a head like an orange instead. Andy Zaltzman and Daniel Kitson sharing a stage/radio studio has delivered some of the most awkward, social chemistry-free energy I've ever heard, so I'm sure he'd have a fun answer to that question too. He might have to let Ricky Gervais live just so he could avoid a marriage or sexual situation in which someone made him do a Marvin Gaye impression in the middle of it.

Edit: Okay, I've been informed that apparently there is an old joke about a man wishing for a head like an orange from a genie? I'd never heard it before but a guy I knew from England told me it was quite well known (and showed me a link to an American site, so apparently they had it there). I had never heard of this. Am I the only person who'd never heard of this? It hadn't occurred to me that Andy Zaltzzman would be referencing a joke he hadn't invented.

[markerofthemidnight]

I love your Hatchetfield fics Grayscale and Hidden Depths. Can you tell me a tidbit about both/ether of them?

AHHHHHHH I’d be happy to oblige!!!

As much as I’d like to talk about both at the moment… I hate to admit this, but I’ve really been ignoring the existence of Hidden Depths as of recent. And Greyscale, but Hidden Depths deserves attention too! So, since Chapter 6 has been held back for so long, why not share some more about the Old Lords?

HD: ULTIMATE Recap was, after all, only a very small tidbit of extra info on them. I’m also working on a piece that’ll show you all their designs- except Kindler’s, since we’ve already seen his, but I’m not even halfway through that yet. Starting to get pretty concerned with how little I’ve been doing stuff as of recent…

Well, anyways! Here’s some extra information on the Old Lords and my thought process behind making them.

Kynzol Errakt (aka Kindler)

The God of the Sun and Flames, as you know. Previously known as the God of Drought in Chapter 1, but I felt like it was pretty odd to have a god whose powers can only be defined by what they aren’t associated with.

Obviously very draconic in design, but the dragon actually isn’t his associated animal. That would go to the thorny devil: everybody’s favourite spiky little reptile that I felt best summed up what exactly I was trying to go for with Kindler, and that was before I learned that they can apparently drink water by absorbing it through their feet!

Known as the Everburning Star, Kindler is the de facto leader of the Old Lords. He carries himself with a sophisticated yet very intentionally intimidating disposition, and tends to not really think about the wellbeing of others unless it affects his.

It’s fairly obvious from his behaviour that he has a pretty big god complex (ironic, huh?), and is incredibly stubborn in his beliefs. Not even the Old Lords would ever dare speak out against him: the only reason why they’re so comfortable with his presence is because they’ve spent 5,000 years with him.

You may be wondering why I chose this specific personality when it’s not very different from Wiggly’s. Well… that’s because Kindler was pretty much just based on my perception of what Wiggly’s predecessor probably would’ve acted like, which slowly developed into the dragon we know today.

The main difference between them, I’d say, is that Wiggly is only partly scary (hence why so many people are in love with him), whereas Kindler is actually genuinely scary and villainous. It’s like the difference between any normal Disney villain and Emperor Belos from The Owl House.

Trypnarash (aka Thrasher)

The God of Noise, associated with a bat for fairly obvious reasons. Rather fittingly, also as blind as a bat. For some reason he switches between having an Australian or a Cockney accent depending on whichever one I think would be better suited to what he’s saying.

Known as the Beastly Cacophony, Thrasher is… loud. Very loud. Strangely enough, he’s actually surprisingly chill: he’s pretty much fine with anything as long as it’s entertaining.

However, it’s important to keep in mind that this still doesn’t make him a good person. He’s evil just like the rest of them, only in his own ways. (Not Evil from The Lego Movie 2 is a song that I associate with him quite a lot, by the way.)

Inspiring false hope so that the others can crush it, and toying with people in more personal ways, is his MO. He pretty much does whatever’s most entertaining to him at the moment: the only reason why he’s alright with Blinky not being evil is because in a few months, he’s gonna be dead for good. No point in caring about that.

Gazon Q’raktic (aka Gazer)

The Goddess of Space, associated with jellyfish since it was the first animal I thought of that felt alien enough to be associated with space. Also known as the Scholar of the Stars.

My basic concept behind her and her personality was “what if the ancient deity was a girlboss.” A stark contrast to the slowly rotting incel with ADHD that we call Tinky. Some would call her arrogant, though it’s important to keep in mind that arrogance implies misplaced confidence.

And hers is definitely not misplaced.

She is smarter than you. Much, much smarter. Gazer has peered into the distant voids of space, and understands the universe in a way no one else can. She knows how the Big Bang happened, she knows about the existence of extraterrestrial life, and the answers to many more unanswered questions about the universe. How does she know? Simple: she figured it out. HERSELF.

She has an IQ of at least 2,000. And she is cursed with knowledge no one else can ever bear: because no one, not even any of her fellow Old Lords, is intelligent enough to understand it.

Kindler is arrogant to the point of being delusional. Gazer is… probably the only one out of those five who actually has her head on straight.

Honestly, she’s also probably the closest to being a good person, as well? Whenever she plays with mortals, it’s usually some kind of simple challenge with fair enough rules, which only gets violent if those rules are broken.

Retonydunfir (aka Rattler)

The God of Decay, associated with vultures. The name Rattler comes from the bones all over his body. Known as the Harbinger of Decay.

Rattler is… you know how I just said Gazer’s probably the only sane one there? He’s close to being sane. Not quite there yet, though.

His base personality is best described as the archetypical cranky grandfather who says the most appalling and racist things as if he’s just talking about the weather. Except Rattler is more intimidating than that.

He works slightly differently to the other Lords in that his powers are fueled. When something somewhere in the universe dies or decays- no matter how great or small- he gains power.

He is obsessed with what he calls the “art” of decay. Partly because it fuels his powers, but mainly because he’s just, for lack of a better term, a nightmare fetishist.

This stretches not only to physical decay, but mental decay as well. Unlike Nibbly, he’s very patient, and prefers to make people suffer through slow torment that steadily gets worse as it continues, rather than just… eating them.

Definitely not someone you want to have on your bad side… or your good side, as he’s known to subject some of his own followers to similar things once they die. What they endured his room (and, to this day, continue to endure in Nibbly’s room) can only be described as a really big, really long retelling of I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream.

Stinturmor (aka Stinger)

The Goddess of War and Discord, and probably my favourite out of the old Lords in Black? Her associated animal is an ant, because ants go to war with each other all the time. She’s known as the Gyne General (a gyne being the primary reproductive female in a system of insects, i.e. an ant queen).

She has two forms in total. The first and more commonly seen one is a small cartoony blue ant. The second… I can’t talk about what the second one looks like.

She’s also the first of the Old Lords to have her room fully designed. It’s a medieval castle on a hill (🎶 AS THE STORY GOES 🎶), mainly either royal blue or baby blue in colour.

She likes ponies, drinking tea with honey, and drawing her favourite mortals all being horrifically tortured whilst laying on her little princess bed with her feet kicking in the air like a toddler.

…Yeah.

So the main inspiration for Stinger, as well as my headcanon voice for her, was The Ghost of Christmas Present from Scrooged. If you’ve watched that, I’m sure you’ll know exactly what Stinger’s going to be like in the story, specifically when talking to Pokey.

The reason why that specifically is her personality is because, if Pokey represents peace and harmony, she represents war and discord. Dissonance, conflict, contrasting elements between characters.

So naturally, my only option with her was to play up the general vibe of the canon LiB, giving her two sides: the first being this cutesy little whimsical creature who talks like she’s from Oz, and the second being a horrible nightmare that’ll torture you for days on end, kill you as soon as she gets bored, and then resurrect you as soon as she gets bored of all her other favourite playthings.

She also has the ability to summon any weapon at will. And I do mean any weapon, even ones that she shouldn’t feasibly be able to wield. She prefers ones from the Dark Ages or beforehand, but unfortunately for you, our dearest Stinger doesn’t exactly believe in consistency.

For this very reason, I am very much looking forward to writing a scene in Hidden Depths where she just nonchalantly whips out a grenade launcher.

[sexhaver]

Genuine question that you’re probably tired of but I’m actually an outsider: coming from an Australian perspective where we have a) compulsory voting, b) a not as strict two-party system (usually a balance of 4 parties plus a handful of independents), and c) a preferential voting system, it’s confusing for me to see the debate around US presidential election.

It seems straightforward enough to me that if a left-leaning voter doesn’t vote Democrat for whatever reason, it seems to just be passively handing the election to Republicans given that the political right seems more united and more willing to vote for the Republican candidate even if they don’t agree with all their positions. Is it not just preferable to vote for the “lesser of two evils”? Is anybody on the left actually convinced that not voting at all and increasing the chances of a Republican victory is really, truly better than just voting Democrat despite their misgivings? Why do left-leaning Americans have such a strong hesitation to voting for Biden when the alternative is Trump? Are they really convinced that they’re just as bad as each other, both domestically and internationally? This probably comes across as very loaded but the debate just baffles me a lot of the time.

if you vote for democrats no matter what then there is no motivation for them to be any more than 1% less awful than republicans in order to guarantee votes, and also allows republicans to be the sole movers of the overton window meaning it only moves to the right. i am deleting the 4 other anons in my inbox asking this exact same question and blocking any further ones

[violivs]

NMTDaily: Project II - One Shot

- Dogberry and Verges accidentally photobombing is cute. They’re so panicked about it!

- Love how the crew tries to pretend they’re not all one big friend group, and yet they all sit together at lunch.

- Ben, why would you bring something so messy and cumbersome as a whole mango to school? Slice it at home at least! Oh my god, evidence that Ben’s parents are slightly neglectful because they don’t notice or stop him from packing weird lunches? I don’t know, just wondering.

- Ben and Bea hate each other so much that they make sure to sit as close together as possible without actually being at the same table. I see you guys.

- Peter mugging for the camera and blowing it a kiss! (It is now an active struggle to remember we were calling him Pedro at this point, I always default to Peter.)

- The boys just talking about food as their intro-to-scene chatter just tickles me. Mango and chili, chocolate and chili. Ooh- things you wouldn’t think would go together but actually really do work as a pair? Hmm… (I haven’t tried them, but just go with me here)

- “We’ve known each other for a long time, right?” Oooh, another “I know you of old.”

- Ben’s name spiel, truly spoken like someone who has been fighting the “just call me Ben” fight for years. I bet his least favorite day of school is the first day, because he has to endure the two minutes of being laughed at when the new teacher calls roll and everyone is reminded of his full name again. Before he gets the teacher to put a note in the attendance book so that won’t happen again.

- And then Beatrice deliberately ignores him and keeps calling him Benedick, because of course she does.

- Honestly I just had to sit back and watch the rest of this episode. It’s too damn good to even liveblog, you’ve just gotta let it happen. I love it so much. I did rewatch to finish the liveblog but it’s such a tight episode it’s hard to know what to say.

- I mean. The fact that for as long as they’ve known each other, Bea and Ben have literally had a game on with their friend group of “let’s argue about stupid stuff for fun”- brilliant. Perfect. So them.

- Also love how resigned their friends are to B&B’s arguing. It’s just normal to them. Sometimes Pedro or Meg or Claudio try to intervene, but they know it’s useless in the end. But it’s ok because they also find it pretty funny for the most part, at least for now.

- Obsessed with them citing academic studies of mango skin back and forth at each other. To be reading academic articles in their spare time, they are both such a specific type of nerd. I love them.

- Ben fishing for a compliment from Bea is adorable and cringy. Everything he does makes me more sure this was a “Ben fell first, Bea fell harder” situation. They’re gonna be in LOVE.

- “You said I looked ‘mighty fine!’ ‘Babein’!” Oh my god the origin of “Babein” was here and not in PIZZA?! Mind blown.

- I don’t think I ever caught that the flamingo argument involved “would you rather be pecked to death by flamingos” before. Ben’s argument is definitely that flamingos are too majestic and amazing to be violent, and Bea’s argument is that that’s stupid because they’re still wild animals and wild animals can mess you up if they want. They never even get to the other half of the would-you-rather!

- *smacks both Ben and Bea for the ableist would-you-rather, high-fives Claudio not finding it funny, then smacks Ben again for jokingly saying ‘that’s racist’ about British stereotypes*

- *smacks Claudio for ‘you sound like a gay Australian’* *high fives Pedro and Ben for telling him to shut up* *wonders whether Pedro was already questioning his sexuality by now*

- The making fun of each other’s accents does crack me up. Low-hanging fruit though, they’ve both got better insults.

- “Queen Elizabeth is gapping it over here to come scissor-kick you in the head!” And “How do you know about the microchip?” Some of Ben’s most iconic lines tbh.

- Ben is SO performing in this entire scene. Trying so hard to make everyone laugh, asking for high-fives, trying to one-up Bea at every turn. He’s holding court, honestly. And you only really know that he’s acting and putting on a show of confidence upon rewatch.

- Whereas I do feel that Beatrice is always 100% herself. She says what she feels. And she always gets the last word. Though he does bite the mango at her, so he gets the last action, lol.

💖🥭🦩

[onedayimgonnasnap]

Court of darkness fandom tumblr survival guide.(read this with an Australian accent)

As a new fan you might be wondering, “WHERE ARE ALL THE FANFICTIONS?! THE FANART?! THE CRACK?! THE ANGST?! SMUT?!” And yes good sir that was me when I first got here.

Because of that I will be showing up at least 10 Content Creators that you shall follow in this barren community. And give you a list of reasons why.

So come along on this safari tour ride;

No 1. @atomsminecraft Now this person may seem like your average crazy Lou psycho fan. But you’re wrong- ⁉️

This person actually makes really good fluff of Lou. They’re like a Lou encyclopedia. But be careful you may or may not accidentally offend them depending on your take on Lou.

Their content and head cannons can range between Wholesome to crack to angst so be careful where you step on their page. It’s dangerous mate.

No. 2 @jaysquid Now come along to see this amazing artist. Now now don’t take pictures they can be aggressive if you mess up their work, so we must observe from afar,

They are extremely chill most of the time, if you have an Court of Darkness suggestion child; they’re the ones to go too-

They also have extremely great random topics about anything related to court of darkness, and they’re able to bring up excellent points in Head Cannons.

No 3. @bitchkay Now with this one, over all extremely thirsty and bisexual for everyone of them ⁉️

Don’t be afraid as the angel said unto Marry, don’t worry this one doesn’t bite but it does bark.

They’re also the No 1. Smut creator to go to if you’re over 18. If not you’ll be sacrificed to the wolves if you’re suggesting nsfw😧

Also you’ll learn things about characters you’ve never thought about that, and you may not turn dirty minded😔

Let’s sneak by from this one aye?

No 4. @toasnearlynakedghost

Do they create fanfictions? Maybe (I haven’t seen some)

Do they create fanart? Yes.

How ever this person is like the Gorden Ramsey of the fandom, especially if you’re like me. When they respond to your comment or post with “😂” it feels like you’re dad came back with the milk.

You feel like you’ve gained approval that you have not got from your parents/srs.

It’s a strange feeling in your soul yes.

However it feels goddamn good.

No 5. @abugwritesstuff You see this person you have options the possibilities are endless.

It’s infinity to beyond.

They’re also extremely chill, and when requesting something they have the characters accurate and it feels like something you’d see from the game no matter what the topic is lol.

I once requested that ended up traumatizing Knight.

Now then take pictures and souvenirs and let’s move on >:)

No 6. @chirp-a-chirp Now here we have the bird, yes I order to get them to come closer to you is to preform the bird ritual, yes you may chirp.

If you do that ritual legend has it that they’ll grant your wish/request.

First you gotta start it by saying “I have no bitches 3 times” then start chirping aggressively. >:)

Depending on your wish/request it may be granted. If the ancient bird doesn’t see it fit then you’ll die of Minecraft fall damage.

Their content is extremely rangeful to both COD to obey me, so you got options.

No 7. @marsipanic Now with this ancient being they have made the hottest female MC OCs be careful though they might take it a sign of aggression if you bark to much.

It makes you jealous of Guy- Yes Guy out of all people.

This content creator believes they can change him- well leave it at that.

They also have a creative/ smut OC series. It’s pretty bad ass. So go check it out.

No 8. @dotster001 Now with this one doesn’t have that many fanfictions, however it doesn’t make it any less great than the others.

They also have a bunch of twisted wonderland and other games fanfictions you may wanna check out, because they’re super good.

However do not take any pictures, you may not reach your hand out at them. Do not feed them-

No 9. @bobasis Now kids, this is the only one who has ever made history with creating the first MC X reader fanfiction.

It’s amazing; consorts who?

They also have amazing art so you better go check it out.

Also keep ur hands to yourself when you see their MC *sprays with spray bottle* DOWN BOY- DOWN-!

No 10. @ithseem Now this son of a bitch will roast you accurately whether you like it or not, so be careful kiddo. They’re venomous.

They also have really cute fanart from what I’ve seen after stalking their tumblr, like I do with anyone 😘 It’s just a way of life kid.