#and they told me that they can't in Good Conscience support me in the way i want them to

[scattered-winter]

sometimes I feel like a ghost in my own house and I also feel like a fucking casualty of my family's religious beliefs and tbh it would be really really great if I could. not feel like that.

[ao3cassandraic]

As far as they can

At the end of the Job minisode, Crowley inaugurates Their Side by proclaiming Aziraphale "an angel who goes along with Heaven... as far as he can," parallel to his own stated relationship with Hell.

Only it... doesn't actually work that way. Their exactlies are different exactlies.

Crowley defies and lies to Hell as often as he thinks he can get away with it. He never disabuses Downstairs of their misconceptions about his contributions to human atrocities. He cheerfully lies in his reports Downstairs, something Aziraphale briefly turns on his Baritone of Sarcastic Disapproval about in s1. Crowley even turns evil homeopathic in the latter part of the 20th century, likely in hopes that it will look good to head office while accomplishing essentially nothing. (This, of course, is another way he Crowleys himself, both with the London phone system and the M25.) After Eden, Crowley's default given an assignment from Hell is to see how he can subvert it.

Aziraphale, on the other hand, defies Her and Heaven as little as he possibly can. Sometimes, as with his sword giveaway, his compassion gets the better of his anxiety. Sometimes, as with Job's children in the destruction of the villa, he can try to stay within the letter of the law by leaving the defiance to Crowley.

His default, however, is "'m 'nangel. I can't dis- diso -- not do what 'm told." This comes out most often as respect for the Great/Divine Plan, which to him is sacrosanct. He sounds quite sincere in s1 when he says "Even if I wanted to help I couldn’t. I can’t interfere with the Divine Plan."

Aziraphale quite frequently Good Angels along by parroting Heaven's party line, whether it's "it'll all be rather lovely" or "I am good, you (I'm afraid) are evil" or droning on about evil containing the seeds of its own destruction, or condemning Elspeth's graverobbing as "wicked" (a stance he offers absolutely no reasoned support for, no logic, no "but She said," not a word -- that's very Heaven; most of Heaven's angels have the approximate brainpower of paramecia). Maestro Michael Sheen even has a particular voice cadence -- I think of it as Sententious Voice -- he uses when Aziraphale is thoughtlessly party-lining.

When the angel's conscience wars with his sense of Heaven's orthodoxy but (and this is an important but) he can't feasibly resist whatever's wrong, he offers strengthless party-line justifications he clearly doesn't agree with (as with the "rain bow" in Mesopotamia) or resorts to a Nuremberg defense: "I'm not consulted on policy decisions, Crowley!" Once or twice, he's even vocally aware of Heavenly hypocrisy: "Unless… [guns]'re in the right hands, where they give weight to a moral argument… I think." This isn't Sententious Voice. It's I-can't-disobey-and-I-hate-that voice.

But at base, the angel prefers obedience (not least because it's vastly safer), and he'd rather have someone else do his moral reasoning for him. Honestly? Pretty relatable. I know lots of people like this -- hell's bells, I've been this person, though I grew out of it somewhat -- and I daresay you do too. Moral reasoning is hard and often lonely (since it can be read as self-righteousness or even hypocrisy) and acting as it dictates can hurt. Nobody would need ethics codes if The Right Thing was also invariably The Convenient Thing.

Many GO fans find these Aziraphalean traits frustrating! Especially his repeated returns to parroting Heaven orthodoxy! Sometimes I do too! (Not least because I'm rather protective of my own integrity, and it's cost me quite a few times. I'm well-known in professional circles for picking up a rhetorical spear and tilting at the nearest iniquitous windmill. I often lose, but I sure do keep tilting. Every once in a blue moon I actually win one.)

The key, I think, to giving our angel a little grace on this (beyond honoring the gentle compassion that is pretty basic to his character) is noticing how often he can be induced to abandon an unconsidered Heavenish default stance. As irritating as his default is, and as consistently as he returns to it, it's not really that hard to talk him out of it. Crowley, of course, is tremendously good at knocking Aziraphale away from his default -- he's had to be. But Aziraphale even manages to talk himself away from his default once, in the form of the Ineffable Plan hairsplitting at the airbase!

I think the character-relevant point of the Resurrectionist minisode is making this breaking-the-Heavenish-default dynamic as clear as the contents of the pickled-herring barrel aren't. "That's lunatic!" Crowley exclaims, when Aziraphale Sententious Voicedly parrots Heaven's garbage about poverty providing extra opportunities for goodness. Aziraphale isn't quite ready to let go yet, replying "It's ineffable."

But Dalrymple (who, I think, parallels Heaven, perhaps even the Metatron -- there could be something decent there, but it's buried too deep under scorn and clueless privilege for any graverobber-of-souls to dig it out) manages to break Aziraphale's orthodoxy by explaining the child's tumor.

Once released from his orthodoxy, Aziraphale can't be trusted to handle moral reasoning well; his moral-reasoning ability is not-uncommonly (though not always) portrayed as vitiated. When he gives Elspeth the go-ahead to dig up more bodies, his excuses are just as vacuous as they were when he was convinced of her wickedness. He knows that he's crossed Heaven's line, too, and just as at Eden it's worrying him. That's why he has to talk to Crowley to nerve himself up to help Wee Morag... only he spends too much time talking, and it's too late.

But Crowley can then talk him into bankrolling Elspeth toward a better life. Aziraphale doesn't even put up any fight, both because he's compassionate and because Crowley is temporarily taking the place of Heaven (he's even Heaven-sized and staring down at them!) as the angel's moral compass.

S1 has an even worse example of Aziraphale's moral wavering, actually. Crowley yells "Shoot him, Aziraphale!" and Aziraphale sure does try to murder Adam. Again, he's adopting his morals from the nearest (and loudest) convenient source. Madame Tracy, thankfully, has enough of a moral backbone to save our angel from himself and Crowley.

(With my ersatz-ethicist hat on: this is a fight between utilitarianism and deontology. Crowley is the utilitarian, which is actually a bit of a departure for him, but he's admittedly desperate. Madame Tracy is the deontologist: One Doesn't Kill Children. Aziraphale is caught in the middle.)

I wouldn't be surprised if part of the reason we start s3 with Aziraphale and Crowley separated is so that Aziraphale finally has to do his own moral reasoning, without Crowley's nudges. I don't think it'll be easy for him. It will absolutely be lonely. And it may well hurt.

But I will watch for it, because it's how he will become his own angel, independent of Heaven and even of Crowley. And he must do that.

[thefandomlesbian]

37 + wilson for the ask game :)

OUCH we're going right for the throat, huh--

This is probably going to be utterly incomprehensible and I am not responsible for any ramifications that arise from answering this question. Allow the word-barf to commence!

#37: What they really think about themselves:

This is such a difficult question to answer because Wilson is a man shrouded in layers upon layers of hiding. This is someone who constantly begs the people around him to be vulnerable with him, to trust him, while simultaneously refusing to ever offer his own vulnerability. And he's good at it. He's good at passing himself off as being close to someone while they never know he has a brother.

House is all walls topped with barbed wire fences and he makes no claims otherwise. Wilson on the other hand is a shimmering oasis. He's fresh water in the desert with shade and fruit. He's nothing but a refreshing illusion. Wilson can be incredibly human while simultaneously more detached than anyone knows. This is aided by the fact that he's a social chameleon, matching whoever he's with, and a natural conscience mirror for the people around him. House calls him out on this multiple times in S5, specifically for being a chameleon who meets the environmental needs of everyone else socially; House asks him, "Who are you at your core?" and then goes on to assert that he thinks Wilson has no core, that his locus of identity has been completely erased in his desperation to meet the needs of others.

Even in S6 when House demands that Wilson choose something to place in their home that he likes... he picks something he knows House likes. "You asked me to tell you who I am, and I am someone who loves you. This is the only answer I know how to give." That's typically the fandom read, but it's important to recognize that this attitude is not unique to House coming from Wilson. He does the same thing with Amber, with Grace (the cancer patient he cares for), with Cuddy during the Rachel adoption arc, with Tucker, with Sam. His existence pivots on his service to other people.

His desperate need to be needed, as House calls it, has a flipside: Wilson can't need anything. From anyone, ever. He can't be vulnerable, which is why he hides himself so effectively. To unveil weaker parts of himself, it would require his loved ones to serve him, to help him, and Wilson cannot cope with the idea of inconveniencing the people in his life. I have written meta in the past on the whole cast's gross mistreatment of Wilson during the Tritter arc. He has no money, no car, living in a hotel that presumably expects weekly payments, no way to buy food or keep himself housed. Everyone attacks him when he finally folds, but none of those people were there to support him, even though his situation was exclusively caused by House lying to and manipulating him. But the thing is... Wilson wouldn't have let them help him. Think of his friendship with Cuddy, how she reveals that she treats him as a confidant (she told him and only him that she slept with her father's best friend) and trusts him not to repeat things to House--but when he arrives to work late from riding the bus, she didn't even know his car was impounded. That sort of friendship is the type you can call to come get you! You don't need to take the bus! Wilson would never dream of reciprocating the relationship she has with him. He's incapable of inconveniencing someone, even to ask for a ride to work or to spot him a five for a sandwich in the cafeteria, even from people he's very close to.

And this all comes to a head in the cancer arc. Wilson is incapable of being needy to the point that he's ready to undergo high dose chemotherapy alone in his own home in a nonsterile environment with no one to monitor him or check on him. In his words: "I am not going to die slowly in a hospital bed under fluorescent lighting with people stopping by to gawk and lie about how I look. Even a small chance of that happening is too big a chance for me." It's funny that later in this episode he says that he wanted a wife and children to care for him, when we know he wouldn't ever allow himself to be so weak in front of his loved ones. House acknowledges this in the same episode.

Wilson's need to serve and his fearful avoidance of being vulnerable all point to an incredibly abysmal sense of self-worth. He says that House doesn't like himself but admires himself, and I don't even think Wilson does that much--as he consistently tries to lie on the sword for everyone around him. RSL says Wilson is the saddest man in New Jersey, and I would agree with that. Wilson has deep-seated issues with his self-esteem. As a wise YA novel once said, we accept the love we think we deserve, and the only love Wilson ever accepts is House's. In S3 after House upends his entire life, it takes one genuine apology to buy him back, because House's love is the only one Wilson knows how to handle. It's the only one he can take without feeling unworthy. All coming to the S8 conclusion: House makes the ultimate sacrifice for Wilson, and Wilson (in spite of having just lambasted House publicly for ostensibly ditching him) argues against it. Wilson says he's not worth the sacrifice. He would rather die alone than have House give up his life for him.

(I could delve into a whole follow-up wrt Wilson's romantic relationships as a gay!Wilson truther, but I've already gone too far and made this unnecessarily long.)

so in short: I wouldn't say Wilson hates himself explicitly, he would consider that vain and self-centered, but he cannot exist outside of serving others. If his utility is gone, he is pointless. I already wrote a long meta on my take on Wilson's suicidality, but that line of thought follows here, too. Wilson thinks his value as a person stems from his ability to care for others and will die sooner than become someone who needs to be cared for.

[nerdygaymormon]

Hi, I'm a young queer mormon living in Utah who finished their first year of college and decided halfway through after lots of prompting that I should serve a mission. The choice brought so much joy into my life and reconnected me with the church, my family, my beliefs, and my self. I felt really lost and unfulfilled at school, and the decision to put my schooling on hold for the next two years or so and bring the joy I felt from the gospel to more of God's children has felt so right every step of the way. I've have my call since March now, and I leave in a couple weeks.

But this new church announcement (the transgender policies) has absolutely shaken me. Obviously from a young age I have struggled with the church's stance on queer identities, and many more aspects. But my heart always felt that Christ cared not about these things and wanted only for us to try and be better and accept his atonement into our life. I also felt like the community of a ward or a church was one of the best parts of the gospel, and so many people need it and could benefit from it even if they did not wish to or choose to carry out sacred ordinances or covenants.

But this handbook change has made me feel like that's not true anymore. How can I stand for and represent a church that is directly excluding and prejudiced against my transgender friends? How am I supposed to tell other families and individuals to come to church when I myself can't even seem to grapple with what it stands for right now? I'm really struggling, I don't know if I should cancel my mission or push through in the hopes that more understanding will come through acting in faith. While every step of this process has brought me closer to myself and my family and brought me a lot of clarity in a confusing time, I feel that right now God is giving me a choice. I listened to Him with full faith and put in my papers and put my school on hold, but now I feel like he's telling me to choose for myself what to do next. And I have no idea what to do.

I'm lucky enough to have parents who will support my decision either way and who are also furious at the handbook change, but that doesn't take away the issues that choosing not to serve a mission brings. All the ward members who will be informed about it, all the explaining I'll have to do. If I don't go, I wish to instead use my mission funds to pay for a humanitarian trip to a place near the mission I was called, so I can still dedicate my time to bringing help to God's children, but I'm already so far in my mission process and I know there is a reason I was prompted to do all of this. But I'm so stuck.

Any advice?

Thank you for sharing all this.

I was just telling a friend that I think God's way is to have us make our own choices, especially the bigger the decision. Sometimes there's times like where you got the prompting to serve a mission, but it's still your choice. Often those promptings are making us aware there is another path available to us, perhaps one we weren't aware might be a good choice for us. However, most of the time God doesn't prompt us what to do, we have to study it out and then pray about the choice we made and ask God to affirm.

I think this way we own the decision. If we marry someone, we have to put in the work to make it a successful relationship and not just assume it will all work out because God said to do it. And when things don't go perfectly, if God told us what to do then we would blame God when it's us who messed things up.

I can see that the prompting you received helped you take a step back from a situation you were in (college) that maybe wasn't the right time for you, and get closer to the Lord. This gave you a firmer spiritual foundation on which to stand when these Handbook changes were announced.

My advice is to not ignore your feelings. If something bothers your conscience, pay attention to that.

Another piece of advice is to think about how you want to serve. A humanitarian mission perhaps is the mission you were being prompted towards, you are in a position now to make that choice because of the decisions you made based on the prompting you received. You can make a list of pros & cons, and as you think about what these different experiences will be like, the proselyting mission or the humanitarian mission, pay attention to which one brings you a sense of peace?

The Spirit is accompanied by feelings, think about how you feel when you're getting a prompting or feel that something is the right direction to go. Keep in mind those feelings when you pray about whichever decision you make.

I admire your desire to serve and to stand for goodness, and I commiserate with you in regards to these steps our church has announced.

[fatum679]

Hi. I have a few questions and would like to hear your opinion.

What do you think of Aemond's actions at Rook's Rest? Do you see it as him intentionally wanting to get rid of Aegon or him simply not caring and primarily aiming at Meleys and Rhaenys, while also seeing Aegon as a collateral victim ? He sure gets a lot of hate for it now, especially from green fandom. Do you think he can be justified at all? Personally, I'm not happy with how the show depicted Aegon/Aemond dynamic cause it could have been very interesting and complex, but the way they resolved it in the show did seriously disappoint me, ngl.

Also, do you think that Helaena will know what happened? We know that Hel and Aemond share a scene in ep 5 in the throne room and I was wondering what her reaction could be (anger, indiferrence, sadness, another vague prophecy... )? I'm curios to see how are they going to depict their dynamic since it will be the first time they actually interact (I still can't believe that the showrunners missed the opportunity when Jaehaerys was killed).

Thanks in advance for your answers!

Hello!

I'll be clear, I don't like Aegon and I have no problem with Aegon and Aemond not having a loving brotherly relationship. Aegon is a terrible big brother, he taunted and bullied Aemond his whole life and wouldn't stop. "He's a twat." Aegon took the 13-year-old child for his birthday to a brothel. Aemond did not want this, he was brought there by force.

In season two he treated Aemond like his own weapon "My brother, at least, knows his plase. He's as loyal as a hound. I can set him ans his dragon on my foes at will".

I see that Aemond wants revenge and he wants justice.

But I am absolutely against what happened in Rook's Rest. I see that this was specifically written by the writers to take the blame off Rhaenys. Rhaenys killed a large number of people at the coronation and tg stans used this argument against tb stans. So I believe this was done intentionally. Rhaenys' crime was given to Aemond. We are sold the idea that there is a "good side" and a "bad side", a "Mary Sue" side and a "villainous villain" side.

That is why in episode 5 the residents of the capital are not happy about the victory over the Meleys. But why? This dragon has killed many innocents, it has left many children without parents and it has crippled many. This is propaganda. They are promoting to us that TB is concerned about people, but this is not true.

Rhaenys's crime was deliberately given to Aemond. Aegon was deliberately made stupider. I don’t believe that when he saw Meleys he didn’t think that “This dragon is bigger than mine, maybe it’s not worth attacking directly.” This battle was meant to unite Aegon and Aemond. This does not mean that they will respect and love each other, but for the same purpose they had to unite. “You may cuff him about as you wish at home, but in the world, we must defend our own”.

I was also expecting more fire in this battle.

I see Helaena's reaction as Aemond becoming something he never was. It's sadness I see. Helaena is the voice of conscience for Aemond.

Aemond really supported Aegon "I only wish to serve my king and my house" "We can't risk losing you" But AEGON DIDN'T CHANGE "My brother, at least, knows his plase. He's as loyal as a hound. I can set him ans his dragon on my foes at will" "What a fine, sweet thing, did you fuck her like a hound?" I doubt you would support a person who puts you down.

I understand Aemond's "betrayal", but it shouldn't have been the way it was portrayed on the show. Aemond would not deprive his party of a dragon. Perhaps we will be told more in other episodes.

I'll just describe Aemond with this quote, but I think he had a lot of bad days in his life: «All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day»

Unfortunately, in episode 5 we were only given crumbs, but in episodes 6-8 there should be more Helaemond scenes and according to the leaks, Aemond should realize that Helaemond is a dreamer and ask her for advice. The actors also talked a lot in interviews about their relationship and that they played Helaemond. I'm just waiting and hoping.

[rebelpapermaker]

Eddsworld bringing back Tord is such a weirdly infuriating thing to me. Feels like they're trying to buy back the audience they lost without actually addressing why they lost the audience.

You lost your adult audience, the audience who can buy your merch and support you most strongly, by:

ignoring allegations toward one of your producers, treating it like a cancelling attempt rather than providing the proof that exonerated the producer (if it existed; I am being charitable here)

making fun of and dismissing people who ship your characters, who happen to be most of your most dedicated fans typically

making fun of people with fictives of your characters

supporting tbatf, who called anyone who didn't agree with their view of canon "deddheads" (I am willing to believe you didn't see some of the tbatf team's actions, but this was still a factor)

dismissing fans who just wanted to hear that something was happening as far as the show, or that might want to know where the money being made is going- not accusatorily, but asking for information on what was being done when we can all see money is being made and in the past we were told where the money was donated and how much. Of course there are costs, and maybe there isn't profit to donate; you could tell us that.

You made it so extremely difficult to support the show in good conscience. I didn't want to leave, and neither did many others- we wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you just kept doubling down on distancing yourselves from us. Do you want us to watch your show or not? Are we lame, nosy, weird, or are we your audience? You can't have both, and this won't be enough to restore what you destroyed.

(This is in no way directed at anyone who works for Eddsworld!!! I'm actually super supportive of y'all getting employment, and none of these things were or are in your control. This is specifically about the choices the showrunners are making.)

[cakepoppresent]

I'm Just Worried About You

Finally! It's graduation time! The ceremony went smoothly. Vaughn did NOT invite his father but Grams, Brooklyn and Veronica were in attendance. Vaughn wasn't able to find time to speak with Veronica but he plans on pulling her aside today and clearing everything out

Hopefully

Su stands alone and proud. Graduation comes and goes, and no one stands in his corner to tell Su they are proud of him. Vaughn is there but he has his own family to show their support. The only redeeming factor today is Grayson

Finally, at the after party, it's filled with new graduates, business moguls and interested companies looking to poach new recruits to their side. Su stands off to the side eyes scanning the crowd for his little dude Spotted.

Su walks straight to Grayson his hands immediately around Grayson's waist and pulls him close "Took you long enough. You look good"

Grayson: Congrats Su!! You're free! No more assignments or projects. Must be nice

Su: It's very nice. Are you here alone?

Grayson: My parents are somewhere

Pulling Grayson to a quiet hall Su stood in front of him with a worried look

Su: How much do you know about Gideon and how he handled his grandparents

Grayson: Hmmm, I'm not sure he said something about selling shares. We're supposed to meet today and talk about it

Talk to Gideon about it? That's not happening with Su around. Grayson just needs a push in the right direction and everything will fall into place.

Su: Are you sure? I don't want you hurt

Grayson: Why would I be hurt? Gideon wouldn't hurt me. It's just a talk

Su: I just worry for you. You can't trust Gideon. The people he's associating with are dangerous. What if you get hurt? or your family? Do you want that on your conscience?

Grayson: What the hell are you talking about? Gideon isn't dangerous

Su: Are you sure? The people he is working with now are dangerous

Grayson: I don't understand what you're saying. Gideon is working for someone dangerous? Who? How dangerous?

Su: I can't say but I know he is from Mt. Komorebi and they deal with shady businesses. It's not safe for you to be with Gideon. I'm worried for you Grayson. I won't be able to forgive myself if I don't let you know. Gideon isn't who he says. Think about how long he has been lying to you? Months? A year? Everything he's done has been a lie. You said it yourself you deserve better.

Gideon is literally the softest person he knows, there is no way Gideon is a killer.

Grayson: You can't just lie on him like that! This won't make me date you

Su: I don't need to lie about this. Gideon cannot be trusted, do you want to be with someone who kills with a command?

Grayson thinks back, did Gideon actually tell him what he was doing? He can't think of a time when Gideon explicitly told him his plans. He remembers late-night calls but Gideon always said it was nothing and he took it to heart. Grayson starts to get a headache

Su: Listen. Grayson if you don't believe me. Ask him yourself. I know for a fact all the men who work under Gideon's boss need to get a tattoo as a sign of loyalty. It should be on his back. Ask him. If it's not there then I won't say anything more and I'll leave you alone

Grayson: Fine! I'll ask Gideon you can't just lie on him like that!

Su: I'm just thinking about you

Grayson: DON'T touch me. I'm leaving

Watching Grayson leave, Su spots someone in the dashing into a stairwell. Interesting...everything is really working in his favour

Previous - Next

[many-sparrows]

hello! as a queer christian who’s just discovered your blog, you’re a little inspirational to me.

i’d like to ask, if you have time to answer - what can a non-american not-yet-legal-adult with about fifteen euros to their name do for palestine? all i could think of was to paint some badges, go to a local protest and pray, but i don’t know what meaningful action i could take to help the effort to stop this appalling genocide. what can i do?

thank you 🇵🇸🇷🇴

Heeheehee, hello! I'm sorry for leaving you in The Box for so long, I've had a very chaotic couple weeks.

I'm glad you're here!!

Painting badges and showing up and praying is a great place to start. You would be surprised how many people are incredibly and deeply moved by seeing Christians at actions. Maybe that's an america thing because so many Christians here are so particularly terrible, but my presence at the time of arrest and in jail and so on has helped so many people address religious trauma, and someone told me that my faith filled conviction helped her talk to her dad about all this and they prayed together for the first time. I'm so serious when I say THAT is what witnessing means.

As a not-yet-adult, I would caution you to please be careful. Don't risk arrest unless you have very supportive parents or a well developed set of contingency plans. I know very much what it feels like to want to do more, to think you're not doing enough, but there are people with the resources and experience to be able to make the call to put their bodies on the line-- and they need support from people who don't get arrested.

I don't have a good grasp on official European stances on Palestine outside of, like, Germany and Ireland, but that is also something to consider. Even if you're not a legal voter, you can definitely still contact political offices or raise awareness about what your country is or should be doing. Outside of direct economic ties, what manufacturers exist in your area? What companies ship what goods through your area? That might sound complicated to figure out, but once you start digging, the research falls into line.

I particularly like making fliers about the economic ties companies have to Israel and wheat pasting them up. That varies in legality so I can't, in good conscience, tell you to do that without at LEAST running a risk assessment. But you can always hand out fliers and tack em up on billboards and slip em between books at the library. I know making fliers can also have an economic barrier though.

Talk to the people you know. Honestly, this has been scarier to me than getting arrested, but if you can calmly grasp both scripture and the dignity of the Palestinian people, patiently walking other people through that can make a big difference.

Physical presence, at protests and the like, is important, and so is being vocal. Write to ceos, tweet your government officials, etc etc etc. Follow Palestinian Christians and churches and pray with and for them as they need.

Any and every action is important, even the small ones. I think about it this way: God doesn't call me to single handedly do anything. I cannot end this. And I'm not expected to. God just asks me to do what I can, with tenacity and determination. Sometimes that means just painting badges and showing up and praying, which can grow into something more.

[alipeeps]

Episode 30

Okay so the scene with the cloak was every bit as adorable as the gifsets suggested. And this. THIS!!

How is this anything other than a confession? He just literally said to her - don't get killed, I can't lose you.

And this whole scene, as they sit there and banter about staying single, and being therapeutic for each other, she is sitting there wearing his fucking clothes!!

I am even more confused by Yurong's situation/motivations. He literally made a deathbed promise to his dad to become a good and honest official and root out the corrupt ones - HOW did he end up on the side of the corrupt ones? He has been literally supporting schemes to embezzle money from the emperor to buy troops and horses for King Chen. This is treason. And he has killed for it. Killed the woman he loved. Howww does he square this in his conscience with his promise to his father?!! (Unless this is all some kind of verrrrrry long game to get the Princess etc to trust him to the point where he can expose/ruin all their schemes but if so then holy heck that is COLD (being willing to kill your beloved wife to achieve your aim?) and he would 1000% go down in flames with them. I'm not sure I believe he has that in him but... then again....)

And I'm sorry but really? In what reality would any bad guys/assassins be allowed to spy so closely on Su Guogong's private residence? They're on his fucking courtyard roof, your honour. My "always thinking 3 steps ahead" spymaster would never.

Wen Ji is a fucking idiot - but ngl the way he helped a drugged Shijie to lift his arm when he was trying to point indignantly - and then told him "You're welcome" - made me laugh.

Jiuyue: "Find Xiao Heng!" Throws antidote to paralysed Shijie.

Shijie: Watches antidote sail serenely past his paralysed arms and land on the ground

Jiuyue: "Why didn't you catch it?"

Shijie:

I died!! 😂😂

[bookishtheaterlover7]

You are a weirdo. GET MENTAL HELP. You are obsessed and stalking a man who DOESNT know you. //

HELLO anon, Megan and team, and most importantly CHRIS. Hi.

This is the hatred YOU all are pushing towards the only real fans CE has left.

People who believe your brainwash Narrative and support the racist duo, telling fans to get mental health help for seeing your shitshow for the reality it is.

IRONIC, considering one side of your couple used to be such an activist for anxiety and mental health. Guess nothing matters when money is involved, GOT IT. WE understand who he is now. Successful PR campaign.

How does it feel? That money in your pockets feel good right now? It will never be fuller than the guilt your consciences will give you for the way you've treated and forcibly INVOLVED a whole fandom of innocent people to YOUR OWN mental games, to SELL a fuckshit show, who are now being blamed for everything, being told they are mentally ill, and gaslighting what is the TRUTH anyway.

Y'all are NASTY. Beyond nasty. I hope all your businesses rot. I hope your projects fail. I hope none of you get recognized for anything other than the abusers you are.

I hope 2024, the year of Karma, treats you accordingly.

I'm sharing this one, because there are WAY too many blogs on here, calling every PR blog and Mod insane, because we choose to believe something different...

Okay, fine. Whatever. The thing is, I don't really care about what you have to say, anymore. I'm saying my part, the GP sees what y'all clearly don't, so I'll take that as a win.

I won't stoop as low as you all do, because honestly it's sad how you're all the same. Resorting to insulting words, using the same words everytime.

And one thing I learned in life, you can't change minds, or force your beliefs on anyone, so it's best for you to adjust instead. And that means not giving any fucks about those other blogs.

And P.S. you can call me all those vile things, because like I said, I've had way worse. And I've got a life outside of y'all, not that any of you care, since y'all see one post and then jump to the conclusion of us being insane 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 . And that's not something I need to prove.

Besides, I'm going to answer all the different asks that's against her, and by extension, him. Because one thing none of y'all could ever understand is the catharsis that comes with screaming and venting out frustrations, something I'm sick of explaining to you close minded people.

Anyway, respect to the person who's actually not a coward to hide behind anon, but respectfully, as I can to someone who supports and condones her actions. Get off my blog.

As for this An🫶n, they're so right. This Fandom is so fucked up over this. And Hate Anons don't bother sending in your hate messages, because so much energy is wasted on y'all. And if y'all are going to continue sending hate, maybe y'all should be the ones getting professional help 🤔

Until next time!

🫶Booky

P.P.S. I don't really care if you miss out on my fics. You're blocked, because I don't want to be drained by your toxicity. I've done that to evil Mods, and I will do it to children, who resort to school yard taunts, instead of growing a pair and acting like an adult. ❤️

[knights-of-the-glittery-table]

I'm 3 sessions into only 6 sessions of bereavement counselling and if you could be graded on it I'd be failing.

My grief cannot be separated from my mental health, they were sewn together with ugly red stitches many years ago and to try and cleanly put the two into different piles would be a fool's errand.

I've been a wounded animal limping along with a trail of blood following my every step for nearly half of my years on this Earth and to try and concentrate on the loss of family suffered just opens a hundred other doors on things that need to be said, to be shared.

I lost my granddad at 14, grandma at 15, dad at 16 and mum at 20 and then have had 13 years of trauma on top of the familial losses and I know like in my session today and the two previous that I can't work through what I've been through and go through every day in six sessions.

It is in no way my feeling on the world at large because I can't bear to think that way but genuinely through personal experience I have been taught again and again that kindness is conditional. People will offer me help or say 'get in touch if you need to' or 'if you need anything just call or text' but it's only ever as long as it doesn't interfere with what they are up, if it's on a weekday within business hours or often something they just said to appease their own conscience when being faced with someone severely mentally ill and alone. (i.e. 'well I said they could ask me if they needed something so I am a good person')

I understand it but it doesn't make it any easier. Last week when I wasa very unwell I rang the GP just for some support and reassurance and they said 'If I felt worse to call back' and two days later I did call back only to have unfortunately called at midday on what was a half day for the surgery and the doctor had already left. The receptionist told me on the call if the GP had left I'd get a call the next day instead then five minutes after I rang off I got a text message to say the doctor had in fact left for the day but they'd call me on the already arranged appointment made when I first spoke to them which was unfortunately 5 days away. A long time to wait.

And that's how life is for me.

Every person from all these organisations, charities, volunteers and staff at the GP surgery that I have ever had a good relationship have all left at some point. Either they're changing jobs, their amount of time with me is at an end, funding runs out, I'm too ill for what their resources can do- I can't gain a meaningful attachment to a person because everyone in my life dies or leaves, either in an abrupt fashion or their help fizzles out to nothing.

It's demoralising and does nothing to help me feel as if I matter no matter how many times I hear the words from mental health crisis nurses on the phone or read the phrase on cute posters.

And this is the people who have shown a kindness and just as important, an understanding of what I've been through and mental illness as a whole even if they aren't medically qualified. It's unfortunate but the people who have let me down, been outright cruel, ignorant, unbelievably lacking in empathy or common sense half the time far outweigh the good. The amount of times I've been in tears from words coming from the mouths of supposed medical professionals including mental health fields, volunteers for mental health organisations and a lot of charities outside of that niche, family members, friends of my family, strangers like taxi drivers or workers at the DWP (department of works and pensions), it's baffling.

Five off the top of my head:

Woman whose job was literally to deal with patients with mental illness and be a go between the patient and the doctor (finding support for them also like charities and therapies) who when I had to inform her I didn't have any one local at all said 'Aw, well that's bad isn't it because when you're really suffering you want someone there, don't you?' - 13 years alone has taught me that reassurance and support are the most important thing for me and in those 13 years I've never had anyone there to physically be here so it was pretty much like shoving a knife into my flesh on top of it just being wildly insensitive and obvious. (This was this year, around May. The woman also got very defensive when I told her how her previous remarks including the above hurt me and said 'Well you come in here saying I hurt your feelings well you could be hurting mine by saying that to me')

Volunteer at a charity who was a befriender, I was cutting crosses into the bottom of brussel sprouts in her kitchen and she went to leave to go do something in another room and said to me in a jovial jokey tone 'Don't go using that knife on your wrists now!'

Head of pychiatrics at the hospital who blatantly talked over me as I was explaining what I was going through to say 'You're telling me what you can't do, tell me what you CAN do' then gave the advice of practice waiting at bus stops to help my agoraphobia.

Woman who was supposed to be a wellness coach that got fed up of my being full of grief as our sessions fell in the November/December period and actually ended our time together a good 4 or 5 sessions early and cited how she couldn't set goals for me or get stuck into the plan she'd created because she had had to go easy on me and just let me talk and do some self care things instead. This especially hurt as I thought we'd been getting along well.

My aunt who emails me and is the only one in the entire family who keeps in touch (as sporadically as it is) decided to tell me in a very long email a week before christmas two years ago that my mum had known she was going to die but told everyone not to tell me. All my mum ever did even when she was very poorly was worry about me and want to look after me, I feel no anger, confusion or any negative emotion towards her for that decision. What I do feel anger about is the fact my aunt never had to tell me this, it would not change a single thing or make my life better. What it did was alleviate her of the guilt of having kept that piece of info back for so many years. And of course there is no good time to tell someone that but 7 days before christmas? Bravo. Well done. Full points.

I have 13 years of constant interactions like these. I have no real positive interactions, no trust gained and kept. Nothing. I genuinely have no idea why or how I keep going, I just am.

It's just so wild that I watched the four people I was around the most decline dramatically, suffer indignity and be treated awfully and die in pain then immediately be catapulted into neglect, mistreatment and complete ignorance all while being polite and acting as if I'm doing fine because if you show one sliver of your illness people go silent and don't know what to do or fuck off entirely. You learn to flick a switch, I did it this morning at the end of the session.

Just delving into all this shit and then the guy said time was nearly up and I immediately quell my tears, straighten my tone and fall into a pleasing receptionist voice saying 'That's OK. Yes next week is fine, I hope you have a nice afternoon.' and he laughed clearly surprised and I said 'Sorry, I flipped the switch.' and he said 'I have to admit you're very professional with it.'

I mentioned to him how also most of the time I'd hope people who go through talking therapy of any kind, after tearing open all these wounds they have people there, loved ones be it friends or family to help them through it be it just being there, a hug or maybe taking them out for a walk or making them a meal.

I don't have that, after every session of general talking therapy and this bereavement counselling I am left entirely alone in my home, just me and the wounds I've torn open. Just sitting there with them bleeding freely again, no-one to help bandage me up and too deep to bury again quickly when it took a decade of festering and healing not quite right at all in ugly zig zag lines to at least get by and pretend for the sake of the outside world that I can be talked to and dealt with without suddenly bursting into tears or acting mentally ill and putting them off.

Feeling very jaded and despondent, I don't think anyone could be surprised by it.

It isn't the horrifying anxiety drowning where I NEED someone here, some reassurance (again, never had that in 13 years) but it's just the heavy weight of being through so much and doing 'everything correctly' with nothing to show for it.

November 11th was the day mum passed away, here at home in her bed in utter agony and high off morphine to try and manage the pain so entirely out of it and the day I was left alone in so many ways even though there were other people like nurses and a doctor in the room and my aunt out on the landing so it's the worst day of the year for me. It's even worse than December 25th.

Mum's birthday was a very rough one this year (8th Oct) and all I can do is hope November doesn't tear me to pieces like the 8th did because I promise you I don't know how much more surviving I have left in me before I lose it for good.

[jozzysabbath]

OZZY OSBOURNE announces his retirement from the stage

February 1, 2023

Two years ago, the iconic Ozzy Osbourne told the British newspaper Daily Mirror that he would never retire. "Do you know the time when I will retire? When I can hear them closing the lid on my coffin! Then, fuck it. I'll do an encore!" he emphasized. "I am the Prince of Darkness," he added at the time. However, unfortunately the Madman was forced to change his plans due to the current conditions of his health. In the early hours of this Wednesday (01), through his social networks, Ozzy announced his retirement from the stage:

"This is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to share with my loyal fans," Ozzy lamented in the caption of his announcement, which reads:

"As you all may know, four years ago this (same) month, I had a major accident where I damaged my spine.

My only purpose during that time was to get back on stage. My singing voice is fine. However, after three operations, stem cell treatments, endless physical therapy sessions, and most recently the innovative Cybernetic Treatment (HAL), my body is still physically weak.

Honestly, I am humbled by the way you have patiently held your tickets for all this time, but in good conscience, I now realize that I am not physically able to make my upcoming European/British tour dates, as I know I could not handle the necessary travel. Believe me when I say that the thought of disappointing my fans really fucks me up more than you will ever know.

I never would have imagined that my touring days would have ended this way. My team is currently getting ideas of where I can perform without having to travel from city to city and country to country.

I want to thank my family, my band, my staff, my longtime friends, Judas Priest, and of course my fans for their endless dedication, loyalty and support, and for giving me the life I never dreamed I would have. I love you all.

Recently, Ozzy spoke in an interview on SiriusXM Ozzy's Boneyard about how terrible it has been living with the pain in his spine: "It's really horrible what's happening. It's a nightmare. Sometimes I forget. I'm lying on the couch, I go to get up and I can't. My sense of balance is all over the place. My sense of balance is all over the place. I have physical therapy and am trying to do things on my own. The progress is... Fucking hell, you have no idea," lamented the Madman, who currently walks by leaning on a cane. "The thing is, my head is fine, my creativity is fine, my singing is fine, but I just can't walk much right now," he said. "But I'm determined to be back on stage, even if I'm nailing it to a board with wheels on it.

In this interview Ozzy still seemed excited and confident about the possibility of getting back on stage: "I still have a full tank. I'm determined to get back on stage again. I'm still recovering and I have a goal. And my goal is to get back on stage. It is the driving force in me. I miss my audience. I miss doing shows. I miss my crew. I miss my band. I miss the whole thing," he added. "My family has been very good. I'm the man of the house, but I've never been so bedridden in my life," he concluded.

As is well known, Ozzy is living with Parkinson's Disease, but in addition he has been dealing with problems with his vertebrae, something that forced him to undergo a series of surgeries in the second half of 2022. According to Sharon Osbourne, his wife and manager, the surgery would determine "what his life will be like from now on. Ozzy Osbourne's health has been in trouble since 2003, when the legendary original Black Sabbath singer crashed his quad while touring his mansion in London.

Unfortunately, by greater forces, we are witnessing the end of an era. The closing of one of the most important and pioneering chapters in the history of heavy metal. One of the fathers of heavy music, Ozzy Osbourne gave us the gift of his work with Black Sabbath and continued with a beautiful solo career. Like the warrior that he is, he still worked hard to release two last studio albums, Ordinary Man (2020) and Patient Number 9 (2022). Although it is clear that the Madman is no longer able to travel, we hope that he will at least be able, if possible, to continue releasing new music, because it will be hard to live with his absence from the music scene. However, if Patient Number 9 was really the last album of the Prince of Darkness, we can only thank and applaud him for all his contributions to heavy metal. Thanks for everything Ozzy...❤

[amnotaqueen]

Reaching Out For Help From The Congregation

I can't speak for everyone or every case. I can only give my experience and honest personal perception. Other Jehovah's Witnesses may have received the help, assistance, support they needed or that helped them in some way even if not alleviating their problems.

I don't have a sufficient support system. My emotional and psychological state is being ravaged everyday. The stress is taking a massive toll. There isn't anyone (besides my mom who knows the truth of my situation) I am close to who could or would support me. I actually had come into contact with a spiritual sister who I explained my situation to. She happened to know a sister who was married to a narcissist. I thought getting in contact with someone who could actually understand and sympathize with me might be good as we could offer emotional support for each other. After all, most other women in the congregation have husbands capable of loving them so they don't have a clue what to do or say to help, and would barely believe it if I told them. Well, this sister also married to a narc didn't even want to reach out to me. She is a full time minister or pioneer. I think it was at the urging of the other sister that she even agreed to speak to me. We talked briefly. She was, I guess, just trying to move on with her life and ministry, no time to comfort someone in need or be a friend to someone who needed a friend. She had my number but never called me again. I had called her first because the other sister gave me her number. Sensing that she was not interested in being a friend to me through my narc abuse, I did not call her again. Neither did the sister who arranged our speaking together ever call me back just to check in.

I did speak to an older sister, an elders wife and full time minister. At least she did allow me to talk to her at length. She had some compassion, some empathy especially in regard to my son. She herself is an independent woman, she said, and she would not be able to tolerate his abusiveness. I feel like a bother to keep talking to her about things that come up because, like she said, the solution is to not tolerate abuse. I'm currently not in a position to leave.

Sisters don't seem to like neediness. I guess that's understandable, however, who else should you help if not those who NEED it? As Jehovah's Witnesses, we regularly try to help others to learn the Bible and understand its truths. We go uninvited to people's homes and chat them up on the streets to help them. They haven't even asked for help. Some of them don't even want our help. We are commanded to help others in this way by Jesus. We are also commanded to love and help one another. But it seems like maybe there is more glory or satisfaction in finding people to study the Bible with than in helping an already baptized sister in need.

I told another sister in the congregation I was in about having marriage troubles. This sister had a son with special needs as well, so I thought we had at least some common ground to build a friendship upon even if she herself had a loving marriage. After I told her, she really started avoiding me. I had reached out to her by text to tell her she gave a good talk one time, so it wasn't like all I ever said to her was complaining about my marriage. She never texted me or called me. I got the message and also stopped trying to reach out to her at the meetings or by phone. After a while, a few weeks if not months, she did come up to hug me one day at the meeting. Probably after a Watchtower lesson had stirred her conscience. She didn't ask me anything or express concern. It kind of felt like she knew she had dismissed me and was trying to maybe make herself feel better about it. I didn't know how to take it. I had accepted already that she did not wish to engage in friendship with someone with my issues, and that was her prerogative. I left it at that.

I texted a different sister to see if she could help me. I told her how my husband was unloving and unkind to me. I said maybe if she could invite him for dinner with her and her husband, he could get a chance to sit and see how a loving married couple interacts with each other, no put downs, no insults, saying things that build the other up. First, she texted back that she was flattered by my finding her worthy to assist. She said she would check with her husband. I texted that if they couldn't, I understood. So I waited for her to get back to me and tell me if she and her husband were willing to help out. She never got back to me. Didn't respond again by text, nor in person. She avoided me at the Kingdom Hall. Her husband, though, would come up to me smiling to shake my hand and ask me how I was doing. That's it. He had to know already that I wasn't doing great based on the request I had made of his wife. They didn't want to help in the way I suggested and didn't offer any of their own ideas about how they could offer support. The least she could have done was to get back to me after speaking with her husband.

So, for the most part, the sisters want to mind their own business, in my case. There is no friend 'sticking closer than a brother 'for me. There was the time I was in a particularly sad state due to my marriage stress and the elders were aware. One day, one of the elder's wives came to me as I was sitting in my vehicle outside the kingdom hall. She gave me a nice bouquet of flowers in a vase. I smiled and asked her what it was for. She told me it was because I was her friend. Well, I thought, we have been in the same congregation for years and she had not given me flowers before or talked to me. Why were we all of a sudden friends so that she would bring me flowers? The reason she was making an effort was because her husband, the elder, asked her to do. Sister so and so is having a hard time, doesn't have any friends it seems. Can you maybe reach out to her? That's fine, a good thing to do. However, sometimes efforts like that fail when the interest seems contrived and doesn't come off as a genuine desire to be close to someone. It was like a perfunctory act of service, her elder husband asked her to do it.

Other sisters have minimized what I'm telling them is going on. They try to explain it away based on their own marriage experience with their own husbands. I told One sister how my husband doesn't assist me with anything and doesn't want to help me with anything. This sister was like, yeah sometimes I feel like I have to do everything myself. My husband doesn't even know I need help because I don't even ask him for help when I could. She was saying her husband doesn't help her either because she doesn't ask for help. I thought to myself, well my husband knows I need help and chooses not to help, I ask all the time. I quickly realized that trying to explain to a sister who can't fathom the reality of the neglect I face in my marriage at the hands of my husband was pointless. It would always be my fault or just some misunderstanding on my part because it couldn't possibly be as bad as I'm making it out to be. The sisters like to tell you your dress is pretty, and ask you how you're doing, but not many want to really know how you are doing if you have to tell them about the narcissistic abuse you suffer from a believing brother. I dread people asking me how I'm doing. I can't tell the truth, they will just avoid me. I'm not supposed to lie either, but I end up saying that I'm ok even though I'm not close to being ok. The sisters will invite you in service and on a Bible study. Not many take into account that years of psychological, emotional abuse and stress leaves a person in diminished mental capacity, ie they are not as sharp as you might think and therefore may be embarrassed and hesitant for others to see their diminished state in the ministry. Keep in mind that I have a special needs son and caring for him is added stress. I cringed at the idea of trying to join them in field service while I had my son. And it was difficult to try to fit service in with them while my son was in school, hoping the school didn't call me to pick him up.

The elders are interested in preserving the marriage, getting folks to stay married. They are not about protecting a victim. They sometimes don't come across compassionate towards a victims suffering. And it seems like, if there is no physical abuse, then there isn't any real damage being done. The elders actually came to speak to my husband and I today. Shepherding call. I felt bad after the shepherding call. I know they intend to help. They all say they love me as well as my husband. However, they didn't want to let me speak much so that they can get a clear idea of what is going on.

They asked my husband if he loved me. Do you think my husband answered honestly and said no? Do you think he would say to them that he actually married me just to get US citizenship? They assumed that he was answering truthfully. They believe both parties in a marriage are 50/50 percent responsible for a marriage failing. They said that my marriage was failing because both I and my husband were not willing to apply Bible principles. I disagreed. I said it only takes one spouse to refuse to follow Bible principles to ruin a marriage. I said it is my husband alone who is not willing to follow Bible principles. On their visits, he fakes like he wants to apply but later in his dealings nothing changes, or it may change for short period so brothers think he is doing right and until I reach out again, no one even knows about our marriage issues. And I can sense that they don't like it when I reach out to them. I've been begging the entire 10 years of our marriage for my husband to work with me in applying Bible principles.

They can't take sides. They don't care who the victim may be. The victim should suck it up and stay in the marriage, continue to put up with anything (outside of adultery) and apply Bible principles. When accusations that were made against me were false, I was discouraged from telling the truth in defense of myself. My emphatic, passionate tone, and elevated voice was read by them as not having Holy Spirit. I said, generally I'm not loud. My voice was elevated because of the extreme distress I have been under and frustration at not being able to get all the facts out.

I was told I was a right fighter. I just wanted to be right, when I wanted to reply to accusations made against me that were inaccurate. I've stayed in a marriage with a man who didn't care that I didn't want any more children, who insisted that despite my older age and our marriage problems that he wanted more kids. I begged and pleaded with him to be reasonable. He demanded I get off birth control, shrugged his shoulders at my fears and tears, and didn't care that I didn't have health insurance. I agreed to get off birth control, to keep him happy, thinking maybe it would save our marriage. Maybe he would see the sacrifice I was making and would be more kind to me. I allowed myself to be denied to save our marriage ( and this was even after he had a girlfriend). So the implication that I just want to be right and just want to end my marriage, and am not trying cut me to the core. They don't know how many years I have been in intense despair and full blown grief just thinking about how my marriage was crumbling and I couldn't save it because my husband refuses to work with me to save it. They don't know, because I was hardly allowed to speak, that I have literally begged my husband to work with me, to stop hurting me to no avail. They don't know he has laughed at my attempts to stay with him. I was made to feel like I should be ashamed of myself for not being able or willing to endure the emotional torture I'm going through. Maybe they are right. I don't have holy spirit and that is why I can't endure it any longer. It's been 10 years. I've spoken with the elders before many times and I really had no interest in talking to them again for these very reasons. I'm in a room with 3 men. Two are trying to help. One is married to me and only cares about how he looks. None of them are particularly caring about my emotional state in the moment.

Basically, in this marriage, I expect to die. If I don't get out, assuming my husband doesn't change,( which experts on narcissism say it's 99.99 % likely that no change will happen) then Im going to die. I'm becoming more and more accepting of it everyday. The injuries caused to me are minimized. If you are not punched or beaten to have broken bones, then they don't see it as extreme abuse. Extreme abuse is being punched with a fist. I don't know how much longer my body and brain will function under this type of long term stress. My immune system and cognitive abilities are diminishing. How can I function as an effective minister with failing cognitive abilities? How can I work to earn sufficient income with failing cognitive abilities, decreased ability to focus. Decreased memory. How much longer can I be a good mom with failing cognitive abilities?I was told that I must think my husband is apostate. I told them I think he is a false Christian. Sometimes speaking truth hurts you. The fire continues to burn. Let it burn. I can't control that.

All day, everyday in our home for years my voice doesn't count and has been silenced. My feelings squashed. My hopes demolished. I'm not heard. My husband doesn't want to hear me. The elders don't want to hear me out fully. Most of the sisters don't want to hear me. This platform lets me speak. As you can see, I have a lot to say but no one to say it to. I could tell a therapist in one hour blocks, but how would I pay for that?

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

6.16.23 Friday

2:01 am

I'm awaken by the windblow? GOD? GOD OF WHAT??? Or windblow trap??? Argh!

Argh! My pelvic is aching ( my sciatica/priformis )... I need Elsie to do a massage therapy on me... ( No fundings yet, obviously coz no electric here ) wanna cry....

I wanna have a new colored group ( my own group )... Still, having windblow trap...

Did I mention here angels? That I read the bible and no one was perfect in the bible but Jesus... But there was " JUDAS"...

In the Nutshell:

It is just weird when a head leader of a particular religion is JUDAS as well...

The leader is the JUDAS? But why???

☆♤♡◇¤ Sun-God¤○●♡

I read the bible and I was able to reached the last pages... No one has the right to say, you must not read the bible.... ( Read the bible...).

Aside from the "runway" that it was stolen by some fake group here on me....There was this "voice" and still that "voice" is your conscience or perhaps the voice of "thunder" & lightning or bolt???

In this world when you are left out by your trusted friends or some wanting to come near you even a distant relatives just to scratch you, it was funny that I was wounded a long time ago... But that was my own personal story that I didn't step-on any name or any soul but mine... ( meaning don't put a dirt on my name coz it was my soul and I didn't harm you )....

2:36 am

I never just love a pretty face.... But here in Cavite I never had love but I hope the love that I got on some places were real coz I never had love here but I met a lot of JUDAS in Cavite...

But on a serious angle....Is this video of Lady Gaga is real? I mean I think this is just a retake...I mean remake but on the same artist... A bandana? So, funny...

2:50 am

Can't sleep... I wanna coffee,colored...

9:21 am

Uncle Jun went to zombie's forest which I wanted them to massacre coz they gave life on Georgia'Z gang...

But if Uncle DD is here it is a plastics flow... What did he say about me on my nana? "LET HER BE ALONE"... It looks like Uncle DD wants to be important but fake...

Thank God on Ely for allowing me to put our food there in their ref, for the meantime... I got the food to cook for today...

Thanks Ely....

I feel bitter coz I can't get a bf since I'm here in Cavite,angels if I will kill someone a man here in Cavite who is observing me coz he wanted to trap me, I hope some friends on other parts of the world will remember "Portia"...

I can't exist now... This situation is a chance of FilipiNOSE Monkeya'Z only lower and unfair Monkeya'Z.... Plus, the small penises... Someone is pressing me down unfairly... Someone wants to remove my college diploma...

9:39 am

Thanks Carmie for these... Missing you...

Carmie is the 2nd daughter of Ate Helen our neighbor in-front, at the side of Pastor.... We became friends 18 years ago... But I knew her since I was on my 3rd year or 4th year high school those years only they transferred there...

After awhile, after 2006 going to 2007 and so on... She went to Japan and married a japanese she told me or they told me... Ate Helen gave this to me, she said Carmie went to Japan already...

I'm so thankful in a way to them coz they are supportive on me most specially when I needed help lately...

Coz I was in a way officer here in Cavite during pandemic but hating some cavite people... I fight for my own leadership and belief with Uncle Jun in a way ( though we always fight on some things here ).... But I always had have a position... ( hoping that I still have the position )...

11:53 am

The food will spoil right away... I'm not a child in mind, Aunt Teresa is somehow child in mind... She doesn't want me to put our frozen food in the neighbour's ref... Good thing I was able to put it the next day after the electric was killed... If I didn't put it on the neighbour's ref, we have no food by now...

12:04 Noon

Whatever group they have....They all can't go up without my knowledge even Dra.Mitch if they got Mitch! I will truly get angry and hurt.... I still had have windblow trap...

12:15 noon

Aunt Teresa will be on Uncle DD side???

1:50 pm

Wow! RV gave us coke & root beer coz it is super hot here... For Nana and me.... Thanks in a way...

Me? I need money and I'm a college graduate and I hate some FilipiNOSE, my self-esteem is super low...

I need a job and probably will kill a FilipiNOSE that is bugging me that I don't know them... I need money angels and my "deep smile lines"...

I'm a college graduate angels!

2:41 pm

I still have windblow trap...

I'm looking for a "colored alien bf" I want a giver or generous ( willing to be my support system involving stability ), sensitive heart, religious in a way and mature and gentleman.

5:24 pm

Done, watching " The Forever Purge"...

Whew! I still have windblow trap... How can I meet my "colored alien bf" the one with a pure heart..

I still wanna buy starbucks everyday, angels...

7:53 pm

My pelvic/ Sciatica & Priformis still aching I can still exercise and my exercise on my abs coz that is my personal insecurity... I feel so left out and I feel jealous as well on old friends ( gf's ) who were able to be on a particular circle and meet men that I like... Ouchie!

Are they in the bathroom since 2007?

My focus here is really on my sciatica or priformis/ pelvic pain... Hmmm... There is a hidden meaning here,angels ( but I don't focus on that but simply exercising ). Cross your right leg on your left leg and bend it to the left but stand on your right leg but something happened a boom! Hahaha that's not my focus here...

I feel bitterish I wasn't able to show and use my legs on men that I like since 2007...It's been 16 years and I feel fat and ugly...

I feel bitter and I hate it that they just damage my 16 years angels... They took away my time...

I want a supportive colored alien bf, angels...

8:51 pm

Still have windblow and not my ideal life here...I need to leave the hometown and since Uncle Jun is here I wasn't able to have progress... I wonder why? Is it him or the black car organization of Uncle DD ( not my ideal thing to be with them here forever... ) or the windblow trap linking with some relatives?? Or just other people...

I don't like being flatten this way ,that I feel that I'm not good enough ( coz of some FilipiNOSE, Monkeya'Z! ).

I have a heavy intuition on Uncle DD (I need to stay away from him )...

But these days Uncle Jun is a big help on some house task here, in a way we have harmony even on taking care of Nana... ( but not my ideal thing to be with them here forever... ). I feel self-pity here in my family coz I think there is people in the family who always follow me everywhere from the past 16 years and until now...

I feel self-pity that I can't get a job and success since this windblow trap came into my life 2007.....Plus when my 2 Uncle's are planning to live here with us... I want a job coz I feel self-pity...

Just wanna share this...Example of "colored alien bf ".

10:23 am

I still have windblow trap... I feel jealous that I just want to have my own circle of friends and be with colored alien and find a colored bf who can piggy-back me... I feel irritated 16 years aging for nothing... They just gave me "deep smile lines"...

I choose friends and I choose women ( but most of the time I hate women coz a lot are judging me on my maturity ) but they don't know me that much...

[shehere0202]

I don't want to forgive my mother's father

When I was in the ballpark of 12-13 when I met my mother's dad for the first time. It was never explained to me why it was my first time meeting him (though I will explain later) but my first impressions were that he was a nice guy that liked to do pranks, socialize, an overall kid at heart, and was a tiny bit crazy. Eventually he wiggled himself into the network that my parents set up with other family members for me to spend my vacations with during school breaks. during my first year with him my parents came along which is something they never really did so that was on my radar. He (my mother's dad) would show signs of having PTSD from when he was in the marines and lost his friends in NAM so my mother told me his erratic behavior originated from that. Even so, because I would get in the way of his morning vacuuming (in 4am mind you) he would push me with the vacuum and have the actual vacuum part hit the back of my head and it sucked up my hair. After my parents argued with him and told him to stop he was not apologetic at all and continued with his routine. After the first year my parents didn't come up with me anymore and it just got worse. There were times were he neglected to tell me or my parents that he had no running water or electricity so for a house that's deep in the woods that posed a serious problem. I would sometimes get sick and unbeknownst to him his medication would be at east 6 years expired, leaving me feeling worse and him refusing to take me to the hospital. Then for my final visit with him he got so intoxicated he started hitting me. Either with an empty beer bottle, his fists, kicking me when I was down with his spiked boots, or pulling my hair extremely hard. He would also in a convoluted way threaten to kill me or in his words "put me somewhere where nobody but bears could find me" I never told any of this to my parents at the time and had no intention to since he was only this way when he was drunk which I believed I could steer him away from. I never saw him again after that because of some issues my mom was having with her brother (my uncle) and him. This rift has continued since, causing my mother to open up why I had never met her father earlier. This was because his abusive behavior starts back to when he was abused by his father and trickled to my mom when she and my uncle were kids, she being the older 'good girl' straight A's and whatever would avoid being hit while her younger skateboarding brother would get pinned to the wall and also be threatened like how I was. When my mother was 17 she moved out to support herself and didn't contact her family until after I was born. Its been years since I've had to think of him and yet out of the blue he started reaching out to my mother asking to meet up with her and talk. She told me when she did meet him he looked physically worse and that he was hoping to mend the relationship. She said she didn't want to force me to do anything but the mere fact that she even gave him her time makes me feel a little betrayed. I recognize that this has the possibility of being the last chance for my mom to have any relationship with him and the fact that she has been nearly starved for one eats away at my conscience because I know if I say no she would also by default. However I can't seem to forgive what he did to myself, my mother and my uncle, and the new shady stuff he's been doing with my uncle and supporting him when he's being a monster.

Am I The Asshole?

[boytouya]

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘖𝘧 𝘈 𝘚𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘦

words:2.3k

WARNING: graphic depictions of violence, blood, angst, open ended/ambiguous ending, descriptions of death.

request: “Can i request sukuna x male reader. Where reader keeps reincarnating with each lifetime for a curse and every time he remembers sukuna, he dies after gaining memories back. You can choose if theres a good ending or angst. Thank you king! I fell in love with him especially after reading that one shot i had to watch jjk and hes hot! Thank you for turning me into a sukuna simp! Much love”

a/n: i went,,,overboard with this request 🗿 BUT IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITESSIJEHSHE i’m honored to have introduced you to such a foine man

When you were five, only then had you understood the curse deemed ‘Ryoumen Sukuna.’ A rather tall man with two heads, one of which had splattered blood onto your sneakers. You understood the concept of death, of course, but could never truly comprehend the feeling of nothingness after watching your life flash before your eyes until nineteen. But there you stood, clutching the loop of your shorts when you witnessed the murder of your entire village. You didn’t know evil could have a moral compass, but the tall curse seemed to exclude half of the women and children. After the widening of youthful eyes and curdling screams you learned the monster took likings to things too. Women, with shaking forms and broken spirits. He’d stop before them, stare at them with eyes that could- in fact- kill, if they truly wanted to. But then he stopped in front of you.

“Close your eyes, Brat.” Death's hands were just as large as your family painted them out to be, if not larger. Calloused and riddled with blood as they are placed over your ears. You do as he- it says, squeezing your eyes shut and enclosing your eyes behind the meat of your palms just to be extra careful. You can see stars behind your eyelids, just as you can feel the sickening twang of death lingering in the air. You were aware it would happen at some point, Death would find its place for you over and over and over again, you’d been told since the day you were born.

There’s another sound, only muted under large palms. You don’t need your sense of sight or hearing to know what it was, the warm chunks splattering onto your skin was enough. Immediately, you flinched. When you opened your eyes, there were piercing eyes staring straight into your own. It looked so human, but something was off. Uncanny, as if it took years to manipulate its flesh and bone to emulate humans to a T. But there was nothing human behind those eyes, instead a void of nothingness. Death itself. If Death could express interest, you’d have thought that was the expression it was imitating. It offers a hand, one of four. Larger than your face, with sharp claws that could almost be described as talons. Darkened by dirt and remains of your loved ones, if it truly wanted to kill you, it could. It could tear you limb from limb with the wave of a finger. And it knew that.

So you took the hand, and he became your second home.

When you were ten, you learned about the red string of fate. It could never be broken, and those connected by it would always reunite, no matter the circumstances. You often had nightmares, those of which filled with blurred faces and sharp pain that reached you in your lucid state. Dreams of talons, piercing eyes, and double headed monsters. You dreamt under the stars, tasted metal on your tongue, and choked on smoke that wasn’t actually there. You dreamt of facial markings, details that you couldn’t exactly place, a name that you couldn’t quite remember. It left your tongue feeling thick in your mouth, racked tremors through your body, and caused premature dark circles to accumulate under your eyes.

When you were nineteen, you experienced your last breath. The air was stolen from your lungs, crushed under years of heartbreak and terror, and snatched from you in the dead of night. Your eyes glazed over, and nothingness overtook you. It left you for someone else to find, cold and lifeless. A void, similar to the eyes you had finally placed. But that didn’t matter much then, you had already drifted away from your body.

And that was that.

Thus, the cycle repeated. Under different names, different ages, different genders. There was always something gnawing away at your conscience, you felt as though you were forgetting something. But when you finally remembered, it was too late. And there was nothing you could do about it.

It was almost like deja vu, stepping outside your home to find blood splattered on the concrete floor. It made your blood run cold, sent a tremor through your body and made you feel like you were five again. Small and defenseless. You take it as your best interest to go back inside before you pass out, but the second you whip your body around you meet something- someone?- large and sturdy.

“Sukuna.” That was it, the sour taste at the tip of your tongue, the lingering sensation at the back of your brain. Him. He didn’t look the same, no, much smaller with tufts of pink hair. There’s something behind his eyes this time, something almost irrevocably human. For some reason that’s much scarier than what you remember. What you think you remember. He’s much more human, but the way he looks at you is everything but humane. He looks frustrated, angry at something, as if he’ll implode any second and go on a rampage. Dread bubbles up in your stomach, nearly erupting through your mouth as bile. It felt as though something should be happening, like something usually happened when the itch went away. He chuckles, low in his throat as he cranes his neck to put his face uncomfortably close to your own. His hands, still large, find their way to your wrist, gripping your right hand uncomfortably tight. For a moment, you consider how long a trip to the hospital would be if he shattered the bone beneath his fingers. But instead there’s a jolt of electricity that would’ve had you yanking your hand back if he weren’t holding it.

“What? You look different.” He all but purrs, inspecting your palm with long nails. Not long enough to be talons, but longer than those of a claw. It was true, you did look different. He wondered if you spent your lifetimes looking exactly the same. That couldn’t have been possible, he would’ve found you much easier, then. Still quite boyish, as if the body you were in didn’t originally belong to you. Clearly grown out of cargo shorts and polos, much taller than you were before. There was no way he could have forgotten you, the way you jumped when the remains of your loved one splattered across your legs. The way you stared back at him with a look of acceptance, the way you grabbed his hand and allowed him to lead you out of the village. It explained the body memories perfectly, the feeling of large palms on your head and remnants of a brain splattering onto your knees.

“Last time I saw you,” He let’s go of your wrist with a bored expression, then replaces its spot with the top of your head. He shoves you down, and you make an effort to ignore the crack your knees make when they smack against the concrete. Then, he crouches down to stare you directly in the eye, just like he had the first time you met. His eyes were no longer dark, instead a deep shade of red that caught light from the moon. They reminded you of vials of blood. “You were this tall. Much cuter in this century.”

“And you were bigger.” Sukuna laughs as if hearing that was the funniest thing in the world. He leans his weight into you and uses you as a support beam, laughing until his ribs burn and beg for a break. But how could he laugh at a time like this? He didn’t think it was weird? He’s existed for centuries, murdered for millennias and only now has he seen you. That wasn’t how it worked, when you died, you died. But Sukuna was a walking oxymoron to that statement. When he died, if he died, he would return. He’d return through you, the last fragments of his soul would stay bound to yours until the end of time. Perhaps that’s how he knew, how he remembered. Perhaps that’s why he still took the time to find you, even after countless years of failure. It was peculiar, but not as much as being bound to Death himself. It was a sick game of turning the phrase ‘Til’ death do you part,’ because in your case it was literal.

“You’re still a brat.” His voice is closest to something fond, as if he’s reminiscing sweet memories. It was much different on your account, and part of you wondered if Sukuna understood that. He makes no effort to help you up (he explains that you’re “a big boy now”) as he invites himself into your apartment. Nothing special, he doesn’t care much for family photos or if you have them, but the stacks of letters and books on your table peak his interest. He tears apart envelopes as if he owns them, reads through the contents and discards them to the floor if he deems them useless. The way he sits nearly breaks your chair, and, honestly, you weren’t sure what to do with yourself.

So you sit beside him.

“You were so scared,” He says, almost as if he were bragging. But he was known to be arrogant and cocky, that was just his nature. He didn’t truly mean it like that, in fact, he looked quite reverent after letting the thought drift into the air. It was kind of funny, such a powerful thing fawning over past memories. But that wasn’t how this should go, you had your memory back, so why hasn’t anything happened? “When you grabbed my hand you stopped shaking.”

“...”

“It’s a shame I couldn’t keep you long,” He visibly frowns, the skin around his lips worry, but you can't tell if it’s genuine or not. He looks at you with something knowing the second the thought enters your head. “I looked for you, at first. You died young, for a human.”

Ninteen. ‘I should have been there,” he wants to add.

“Why aren’t I dying now?” You interrupt and let the panic sink in, the thought of impending doom sits on your shoulders because, really, it could happen at any moment. But this time, you don’t want it to. You remember accepting death when it came to your door at the young age of five, nineteen, countless times over and over. You had only ever gotten this far, you weren’t ready yet. You couldn’t start over, not now. “Sukuna?”

The question sours his mood in the blink of an eye, and instead of looking through your things, he raises himself from his seat to rest his palms on the table. It seemed he had a thing for staring down at people, making them cower under his stone cold gaze. You note the way his jaw clenches. You open your mouth to speak again, but he seems to have other plans. He squeezes your cheeks, making your lips purse together under the pressure of his large fingers. The movement feels familiar, like he’s done it before. The five years you spent with him were still a bit of a blur, but you remembered holding his hand quite often. He’d tell you to close your eyes if there was something he didn’t want you to see, he’d ruffle your hair a bit too hard, let you sleep on his back if he was out in the town. But that was all you remembered. He remembered it all.

“Respect your elders,” He lets go and sits back down as if he hadn’t just thrown a tantrum over you interrupting him. Sukuna was centuries old, but even then, he’d exhibit immature behavior sometimes. Living for so long had to get boring (and lonely) at some point, perhaps that was why he looked for you. He did consider you something close to family, after all. In truth, there were some lifetimes where you met. Some when you were friends, something more than that, and something inseparable. And that’s why you hadn’t died yet, you didn’t remember it all. “It’s rude to interrupt someone when they’re talking.”

“You’re much more handsome in this life.” His smile is much more intimidating than sweet, the sinister curl to his lips would only ever be associated with bloodshed in your eyes. But it was much more than that. Nights of sleeping together, days of laughter and flirtatious comments, soft moments that only you had seen. And it was bittersweet, because he knew the second he’d jog your memory you’d be gone. It wasn’t just a curse for you, but for him. Maybe it was his punishment for hurting so many people, dragging an innocent soul down with him and hanging them by the red string of fate. The comment makes your skin prickle with heat. Sukuna was quite the charmer when he wanted to be, easily picking at your weak spots with whatever you wanted to hear. But the comment was much more for the sake of his own, instead of yours.

Sukuna stands, hot on his heels as he holds out his hand one last time. If something were to happen to you tonight he’d make the most out of it, just as he did countless times over and over. So many years of starting over, getting to know you in various different bodies, realizing that being trapped away was the only way you’d get to live a full life, it was always on his mind. You were always on his mind.

So you take his hand. And for the millionth time, he’d become your second home.

taglist:

@ryoukuna @indigowren21 @cannedfoodisbestfood @junkwhoore @kissesdenji @sanderssidesangsttrash @i-d0g @kaito-asmr @jream-23 @princejasno @mel-bigia04 @mhasimp666 @onehellofasimp @corporeal-terrestrial @angelaturservice @shadows-of-nightmares @rinkindaugly