#and they have life cycles of their own kind in the ways they travel between valinor and middle earth and the halls of mandos

[mightnotfeelrealbutitsok]

The debate about whether it is Men who are worse off because they die, they’re sundered from their home and kin and have their opportunity for pleasure limited, or Elves who are worse off because they never die, they must stay in the world no matter how much they tire of it and despite whatever ruin it might fall into, has me like aghhhhdhfkcksoad

[serpentface]

What exactly are living gods in the blightseed universe?

Ok here's the (DANGEROUSLY vestigial at this point) Meta Deeplore:

There is a material form of energy that is utilized by biological bodies essentially as an animating force. This IS the vaguely defined, extremely ambiguous magic in the setting. It is what produces the actual experience of Consciousness and can be basically considered 1:1 with conscious experience. All life utilizes this energy (whether actually conscious life in the traditional sense or not).

It cannot be created or destroyed, and rather follows pathways of dispersal between one material plane and a parallel plane. This parallel plane is 'the ether' 'the dreamlands' etc, and has its own matter. Discrete entities from the dreamlands are essentially formed as a byproduct of consciousness and, when interacted with, are deeply susceptible to the influence of conscious Thought (they are essentially matter organized By consciousness and can be reorganized by consciousness)

These are the entities that can become living gods. Dreamlands fauna occasionally slips into prime material reality, at which point they are directly under the influence of consciousness and can be transformed. Dreamlands fauna in of itself is not directly perceivable but produces a sense of Presence, like the feeling of being watched when alone in the wilderness, a 'third man effect', a sense of inexplicable awe or fear, seeing shadows from the corner of your eye, etc. The combination of their tangible effects and their susceptibility to consciousness creates a self-reinforcing cycle that produces living gods.

IE: if one is on a forest and people experience the sensation of its presence, belief that there is some entity there may develop. This will follow the lines of the cultural worldview- say there are already beliefs in spectral hounds that encounter travelers at night, it might be interpreted as a location-specific hound, given a name and identity through stories. This in turn causes the dreamlands fauna to physically embody that form and the assumed qualities, and people will start having absolute materially real encounters with it, thus reinforcing the initial beliefs that created it and generating new elements of the mythology. This is what a living god is.

They need persistent, localized, and coherent beliefs to hold their forms. If a village creates a living god and is then wiped out in a disaster, the god will gradually lose its form and return to its initial state of a sense of Presence. This is also a limiting factor on the 'size' and power of a living god, if an entire religion formed around it and became a widespread phenomena, the living god itself cannot 'keep up'. It is sustained on direct and localized interactions, so belief becoming widely dispersed (especially if the localized belief is lost) will cause it to gradually become less discrete. The effect of this property is that living gods are almost always minor deities or spirits tied to a specific location by a specific nearby culture. A lot of deities in larger religions may have once had a living god component that is now indiscrete.

The living god of the Ur-tree is an unusual exception in that it was created over millennia, basically by the survival instincts of the Plants it interacts with, and has held its form over hundreds of millions of years due to this being ubiquitous and un-susceptible to cultural change. The only thing that could 'kill it' is if its forest was entirely destroyed.

So 99% of living gods can be described as thoughtforms created by the process of folkloric/religious development. They are created BY people and not the other way around, and nothing about their nature confirms or denies the existence of other deities or etc.

And yeah I'm going to be 100% real I am REALLY tempted to dump even this extremely ambiguous magical element like it is soooooooooooooooo fucking NOT important to the setting at this point. I've kind of allowed 'literal god entities created by mortal belief' to be just a tiny part of the world's fabric by their nature, like it works within the worldbuilding for such a hugely significant concept to ultimately be insignificant in the overall framework, so I COULD just Leave It but idk. If it were not for me wanting to still have my big fucking god tree and a talking dog as an actual character it would be out of here soooo fast..........

[monstersinthecosmos]

Marius considers Armand the main mistake of his life

Do you think he would turn him into a vampire again if he could go back in time?

!!!!!!!!!! the easy answer to this is yes of course because he's a person trapped in a cycle who makes the same mistakes over and over 😂

but! the deeper answer here is that I don't agree that Marius considers Armand a mistake!!!!!!!!!

I think he regrets the way Armand was turned and regrets that he didn't take care of Santino when he had the chance. I think he spent 500 years feeling like he failed Armand, and so the content of the actual mistake is not Armand himself, but the circumstances around him and wishing things had been different in Venice.

This is the part in TVL where Marius says he fucked up with Armand -

"Whatever will happen will happen, but choose your companions with care. Choose them because you like to look at them and you like the sound of their voices, and they have profound secrets in them that you wish to know. In other words, choose them because you love them. Otherwise you will not be able to bear their company for very long. "

"I understand, " I said. "Make them in love. "

"Exactly, make them in love. And make certain they have had some lifetime before you make them; and never never make one as young as Armand. That is the worst crime I have ever committed against my own kind, the taking of the young boy child Armand. "

"But you didn't know the Children of Darkness would come when they did, and separate him from you. "

"No. But still, I should have waited. It was loneliness that drove me to it. And Armand's helplessness, that his mortal life was so completely in my hands. Remember, beware of that power, and the power you have over those who are dying. Loneliness in us, and that sense of power, can be as strong as the thirst for blood. “

So like obviously AR retconned Armand's backstory a bit over time, like this version of events doesn't say Marius did it because Armand got stabbed and was dying lol, but I think there's still a throughline between this and TVA and B&G about how Marius was trying to wait, and in waiting kept changing his mind until his hand was forced.

And don't forget that during the Venice era he was also painfully in love with both Botticelli and Bianca, and he used Armand as a rebound from them. He was going off of Eudoxia's advice to pick someone he could groom for vampirism, and he picked a traumatized teenager who could be a blank slate.

He changed his mind almost immediately though! He loved Armand! He knew he couldn't do this to him, but also began to realize he'd sort of ruined Armand for regular life anyway, and it was inevitable!

So I think like, in any version of events, or if he had the chance to do things differently, the common denominator of crushing loneliness would push him to it anyway, and he loved Armand anyway. He wanted to keep Armand. I just wonder if he'd try to prepare him better and let him live longer, and take care of the coven so that they wouldn't ruin Armand's life.

And the thing about time loops & time travel that we see in storytelling all the time is that things are sometimes inevitable. Like, Marius can go back in time and try to keep Armand from dating Harlech, but he can't do anything about it during the day, and Armand is going to do it anyway. Armand isn't going to listen!

And when I think about what parts of Armand's personality are innate and what's The Trauma it's like, we talk all the time about how they're immortal and have all the time in the world to heal, so who's to say that Armand won't be okay one day! And would the Marius of 2112 risk a change like this if Armand is happy and okay and their relationship is good?

Because even if he waited and turned Armand a little older and they had more time together, and eventually get to a good place, is it worth the risk to lose the GOOD things they've built together, or that have happened because of Armand? Like without Armand, would Marius have Daniel? Would he even have Lestat? Would he have ever been freed from TWMBK?

There's a fluffy version of time travel where you go back and fix something and everything is okay LOL so we ultimately come back to the classic topic of Marius loving selfishly vs selflessly--would he ever decide his loneliness is worth the 300 years of pain that Armand went through? Or are we dealing with the type of time travel that says some things are inevitable, and the lesson of the story is that you can't change it without losing something?

And how would ARMAND even feel about it? Armand takes his immortality like a champ and while he has big cosmic feelings about it sometimes, he doesn't complain. He feels love. He still fears death like everyone else. Is this a risk he'd even consent to? Would he turn in his own damnation for death? Is his death, and the gift of being freed from a curse worth missing out on his love of Lestat and Louis and Daniel and Benji & Sybelle?

THERE'S JUST SO MANY WAYS IT COULD GO WRONG LIKE IS IT EVEN WORTH IT IDK

JUST THE BRIEFEST OVERVIEW WITH A FEW SIMPLE OPTIONS, THIS HAS INFINITE SPACE TO GROW TBH

I love time travel as a topic LMAO I keep daydreaming about ways to write time travel VC fic!!!!! I love it for Sheith fandom but it's easier to incorporate because it's sci-fi. But I think as a storytelling vehicle it always tries to tell us to stick with the devil we know. I think I'm getting carried away with my nerd topic and straying from your question LMAO but this is how I'm pondering.

I'd also ask if SANTINO would do things differently. If he'd leave Armand alone!!!!!!!!! And I'll stop here because, like I said, the space on the chart is infinite and you could talk all day because what if Santino hadn't acted like a cunt, what if Marius didn't feel that TWMBK were threatened by cults, what if there had been even the slightest peace in the vampire community where Marius didn't have to feel like the sole keeper, how different would his life have been, would he have even still needed Armand, etc etc etc etc

So yeah I think he'd do it again. :)

And I mean.

He turned Benji.

Soooooooooooooo idk if he learned a lesson about turning children. SHRUG.

[passedaway44]

Analysis: Who are the Mikaela subjects? Are Ferid and Crowley brothers?

Are Ferid and Crowley brothers?

This matter has been discussed before on tumblr, but I'm gonna speak about it again. If you already know what I'm talking about, you can skip and get to the next part where I explain the Mikaela subjects.

We know of Ferid's older brother in his flashbacks when he was a human. Well, what if I tell you that his brother was actually Crowley before he got reincarnated?

Ferid's plan has remained for centuries, even until now, to stop the reincarnation cycle. When he killed his brother, he headed towards Romania, where in another flashback Rigr is shown to be in Romania. I suppose Ferid met Rigr on his way towards the east.

In the light novel, ferid refers to crowley as a brother (or even in the manga, I'm not sure but he definitely called him that) and he even said that he has been waiting to see what his brother looks like TO CROWLEY. Ferid mentions that he has waited 150 years for Crowley. Ferid mentioned that this plan which is ongoing currently in the manga has been planned for a millennium, from when he turned Crowley. Why do you think he turned Crowley into a vampire and especially targeted him before he was even born, and why do you think he turned him from Rigr's blood?

If you logically think about it, even the way Crowley lived his life in the LN was another answer to him being his brother in his past life. Since the manga has now taken a turn and has made us focused on reincarnation with Ferid's flashback, let's think what kind of life his brother would have gotten.

Because of his pride and ignorance of people who served him while he was wealthy and lucky enough to get the throne, he would have gotten unlucky in his next life and not very wealthy. Crowley mentions that his family wasn't that poor, yet since he was one of the youngest siblings, he didn't get to inherit anything from his parents and had to work for his money more.

The Mikaela subjects

Kagami said that each name meaning of the characters in OnS have a meaning. I don't think people realized that he LITERALLY meant that and it's not a simple word answer that google gives you. I've looked deeper into Rigr's name meaning and the discovery I made kinda blew up my mind. (I already knew two mikaela subjects + mika himself but I didn't expect Kagami to get so inspired by their names.) 🤨🤨 My friend will also make a post about Lest's actual name meaning and a general analysis of him (I hope so @l1va22 🙄😡) so check it out (if she posts it 😒)

When you search "Rigr name meaning" you get that the meaning is simply "King", but if you open the page below, from the source which gives us this information, it leads you to a page about Rígsþula, a norse mythology myth.

«In Rígsþula, Rig wanders through the world and fathers the progenitors of the three classes of human beings as conceived by the poet.»

Hmm, sounds a little familiar, doesn't it?

«Rígr was walking along the shore and came to a farm-hut owned by Ái (great-grandfather) and Edda (great-grandmother). They offered him shelter and poor, rough food for a meal. That night Rígr slept between the pair in their bed and then departed. Nine months later, Edda gave birth to a son who was svartr (swarthy, dark). They named him Þræll (thrall, serf, or slave). Þræll grew up strong but ugly.»

This made me think of Guren, (because of his constant appearance within Guren's presenve in the LN. Rigr is a perfectionist and doesn't waste his time on matters which don't make him gain something.) implying that Rigr also implanted his adn in the ichinose family. Guren has dark hair and in the LN was considered to lack power and like 'a slave'. As far as I know his family wasn't wealthy, though I don't think there was any mention of him being poor. (correct me if I'm wrong)

«Traveling further, Rígr came across a pleasant house where a farmer/craftsman, Afi (grandfather), lived with his wife Amma (grandmother). This couple gave him good food and also let him sleep between them. Nine months later, a son, Karl (churl or freeman), was born, who had a ruddy complexion. Karl married a woman named Snör or Snœr (daughter-in-law; sometimes anglicized as Snor), and they had twelve sons and ten daughters with names mostly suggesting a neat appearance or being of good quality. One of the names is smiðr (smith). These became the ancestors of free farmers, craftsmen and herdsmen.»

Who was good-looking, hard-working and middle class? Crowley was. He's also often described as being very beautiful like Krul and Ferid.

Now this one, is surely not a coincidence ⬇️

«Traveling further, Rígr came to a mansion inhabited by Faðir (Father) and Móðir (Mother). They gave him excellent food served splendidly and, nine months later, Móðir gave birth to a beautiful baby named Jarl (earl or noble), whose hair was blond and who was bleikr (bright white in color). When Jarl grew up and began to handle weapons and to use hawks, hounds, and horses, Rígr reappeared, claimed him as his son, gave him his own name of Rígr, made him his heir, taught him runes, and advised him to seek lordship.»

Who was a noble with very light hair, blue eyes and very attractive? FERID!!!

When I first read the manga, when Rigr appeared (before his asiatic surgery...) I thought that was literally Ferid with shorter hair. THEY LOOK LIKE LITERAL TWINS!! Why? Because Rigr is really his father and whenever Ferid calls him that, it isn't a stupid silly name.

Only the eye shape is different. Ferid is confirmed to have more elongated eyes, while Rigr had rounded eyes.

So, these are the mikaela subjects and I don't think their wealth class is prominent in the manga, yet I think Kagami made their personalities to appear different the way the wealth of these people in the myth is.

Idk surely about Guren being a mikaela subject, but that also explains why Ferid was keen on making deals with him. Crowley and Ferid are surely Mikaela subjects though.

[jbaileyfansite]

Jonathan Bailey and Matt Bomer's Interview for WMagazine (2023)

Warning: Spoilers for Fellow Travelers ahead.

Matt Bomer and Jonathan Bailey had a feeling their characters’ sexual escapades in Fellow Travelers would ignite a social media firestorm. But apart from some in-person encounters with fans who watched the Showtime limited series, both actors claim they’ve avoided going down a rabbit hole of reactions to their performances.

“The first week of just seeing a GIF of a toe was kind of alarming,” Bailey says in a joint interview with Bomer. “But when you’re doing a scene like that, you know what function it serves—not just in the story, but in the selling of a TV series. I call it the Trojan toe: You slip it in, get people watching, and by the time they get to [that moment], they’ll understand exactly what the show’s setting out to explore.”

Adapted from Thomas Mallon’s 2007 novel, Fellow Travelers chronicles the clandestine romance between Hawkins Fuller (Bomer), a debonair State Department employee, and Tim Laughlin (Bailey), a wide-eyed college graduate, who fall in love at the height of McCarthyism and the Lavender Scare in 1950s Washington D.C. As they weave in and out of each other’s lives across multiple decades, Hawk and Tim’s enduring relationship hurtles toward a devastating conclusion in the 1980s. Following Tim’s terminal AIDS diagnosis, Hawk visits his lover—whom he has nicknamed “Skippy”—one last time in San Francisco, where they both come to terms with the significance of their volatile romance.

“A lot of people feel seen—not just by the sex scenes, but by aspects of queer identity on the show,” Bomer says. “That’s the hope, right? That whatever you’re pouring your heart and soul into resonates with somebody or makes them feel seen.”

On a recent visit to New York City, Bailey and Bomer were affable and laid-back—a far cry from the brooding, tortured characters that have defined their respective careers. Bouncing ideas off each other, the charming costars spoke with W about their approach to telling their characters’ epic love story, the surreal experience of shooting their final scene together, and what to expect from Maestro and the next season of Bridgerton.

Why does Hawk and Tim’s connection make them question everything they thought they knew about themselves?

Jonathan Bailey: You will never really know what Hawk and Tim would’ve been like [as a full-fledged couple]. You can’t judge them on anything, because there’s a survival element at play, which reflects the brutality of the world they were born into. As [the show] expands and this liberation blooms, we see more of [Hawk’s wife] Lucy [played by Allison Williams] and the impact of Hawk’s decisions on the characters around him.

To me, it’s a love story for the ages because you can follow any thread and it comes back to the political backdrop. But ultimately, there’s a real meeting of souls between the two. They complete each other in a way that’s so painful. But in a world where joy, connection and absolution are so hard to find, especially in the ’50s for gay men, it becomes addictive, and there are toxic cycles that come from it.

Matt Bomer: There are aspects of their own personal trauma that are complementary of each other.

JB: And they feed the other’s insecurities.

MB: The sad thing is, when Hawk is finally at a place where he can be his most authentic self and be available and empathetic enough to be a real partner in a relationship, it’s too late.

Hawk has a very specific moral code as a gay man living a double life in the 20th century: He is clearly able to show genuine affection for Tim, but he needs control in his relationships and is able to code-switch in public. Tim doesn’t understand Hawk’s ability to compartmentalize his life, but he still finds Hawk irresistible. How did you want to embody the many contradictions of your characters?

MB: For me, it all went back to Hawk’s childhood and that horrific incident that happened with his father [and his first love, Kenny]. He refuses to be a victim, so he’s going to find a way to survive and thrive in whatever way he can. It all ties into the fact that he will never be the victim of a homophobic society or family again.

JB: What Tim’s really drawn to in Hawk is his center. Hawk is the epicenter of all these people’s worlds because he doesn’t afford them space to veer him off in any direction. Tim’s always there for Hawk when he needs him, but Hawk’s never really there for Tim, and that is something Tim is drawn to. Tim’s quest in life is his desperate need for a groundedness, and the choice I made early on was to physicalize Tim so that his inner and outer world were matched.

Tim finds it really hard to lie; he can’t not be completely transparent. The decoding of Hawk is something that fills all sorts of needs in Tim. But as he gets older and [society’s] way of thinking aligns with his need to disassemble the cards he’s been given, Tim finds a stillness and a calm, which is reflected in the way he can then handle Hawk.

MB: Hawk does have his allegiances and his own sense of empathy, but if it comes down to anything that’s going to threaten his survival, he can go full Scorpio and cut it off. [He’s] a little Mother Teresa, a little Tony Soprano. [Laughs.]

JB: And in the performing of [those scenes], Tim felt so much more love than I thought he would. In episode two, I think it became more confusing to play Tim in the best possible way, because when he says, “I don’t understand you” [to Hawk], it’s because he can see the palpable empathy, love, and compassion. That is just as real as everything else, and that is a bind for Tim and really hard to step away from. When they look at each other, there’s no one else that’s ever existed. And if you’re lucky enough to have that with someone, it’s really hard to let that go.

There are little details that anchor each of Hawk and Tim’s sex scenes—the eye contact, the importance of consent, the shifting power dynamics, the negotiation of how much of yourself you’re willing to give to another person. How did you want to subvert traditional depictions of queer intimacy?

MB: We were so fortunate that those scenes were just an extension of the story, that the relationship was never the same after one of those scenes as it was before. It was always an externalization of what was going on with the characters internally.

JB: I think it’s a rule that [creator] Ron [Nyswaner] learned on Homeland where every single scene has to further the story—and that’s true of the sex scenes. Because there haven’t necessarily been elevated, eight-hourlong gay dramas like this; there was space to breathe, and that constant negotiation between the two of them is so vital. I remember speaking to [executive producer/director] Dan Minahan in Toronto. We had a good few hours, and we ended up talking about intimacy and how you can capture it on film. The thing that I understand [from] enjoying love stories or intimacy on film is the moments where they surprise each other.

MB: Yeah! It’s not like Hawk’s pushing the envelope the whole time; Tim upends Hawk as much as Hawk upends Tim’s expectations.

JB: We basically started with the chicken soup [scene in episode one], when Hawk seduces Tim for the first time. By the time we were in episode four, we were really emboldened as a team. As Jonny and Matt, we were always whispering, “This is absolutely fine, if you want to do this.” For so many people, it’s bizarre to think of that as a job. But when the material is as rich as this, no stone will go unturned into [depicting] how intricate, sensitive, celebratory, and joyful those moments are.

MB: I believe everybody should get to play every role, but I think the fact that we’re both openly gay men lent an ease and an understanding of a lot of the aspects of the relationship.

JB: You can have conversations between yourselves of why your instincts are cropping up in those moments. It was a bit like when, just before they dive, synchronized divers do that thing where they jump up and clap.

MB: [Laughs.] That was us! And there’s no [going] halfway in scenes like those that are written in this [show]. You know you have to go all the way.

Knowing that the entire emotional weight of their relationship rests on the penultimate line, “Promise you won’t write,” what did you want to convey in Hawk and Tim’s final scene together outside the governor’s ball? What do you remember from shooting their goodbye scene?

MB: I remember everything about that day.

JB: Yeah, I do too. Everything was in hyper-focus. It was overwhelming.

MB: It’s one of those scenes that you’re really glad you didn’t have to shoot on day two, because we had five and a half months of history [with] these characters. It was one of the last things we filmed together.

JB: I left [Toronto] early as well [to shoot Bridgerton], so we didn’t finish [shooting] together. We finished the love story in that scene.

MB: Yes, that’s right. It was one of those days at work where you have to try to get out of your own way and trust that all you’ve invested in these roles and these relationships will be inside of you. You don’t have to try to force or push anything; you have to just try to keep it alive and spontaneous when the cameras are rolling.

JB: I think we filmed it in the first take, didn’t we?

MB: Yeah.

JB: There are moments in that scene when it was like the world melted away. It’s amazing to see Tim establish his boundaries and be really kind with it. In that moment, he’s fully centered and aligned, and Hawk helps give him that final push to go, “I know what I’m doing, and what I’m saying is the right thing.” He’s never really known that with Hawk.

MB: Yeah, Hawk is finally emotionally vulnerable. I had every intention of coming into that scene and not letting any emotional vulnerability creep through, but it’s just one of those things where the scene takes over and you don’t want to block it.

Have either of you given much thought to what a second season of Fellow Travelers could look like?

JB: What I hope this [season] will be is a trampette into telling other queer stories, because two white gay men are the way in [to start a larger conversation], and it would be so interesting to have a world explored of [Jelani Alladin’s] Marcus and [Noah J. Ricketts’] Frankie. They were such a massive reason why I was like, “Okay, this is going to be good.”

MB: They weren’t in the book, and it was so important from the creatives that we included that narrative.

JB: I would totally come back and support Frankie’s story.

MB: Yeah, I would come in and do two days—whatever they need me for.

JB: Frankie and Marcus up front, and I’ll be there.

Surely, we all deserve to have the two of you star in a rom-com together (with a happier ending than this one).

JB: If someone comes up with it... Who would be the dream?

MB: To direct?

JB: Yeah. Luca Guadagnino?

MB: Yes, Luca or Andrew Haigh.

JB: We’ll do it!

MB: We’re there. And Russell T. Davies, if it’s a miniseries.

Have you discussed collaborating again in the future?

MB: Listen, sign me up to work with Jonathan Bailey any time. [They shake hands.] I will bring a tray to his character at the dinner table in a scene.

JB: Stop it. As long as it’s [like] Upstairs, Downstairs…

MB: [Laughs.] Yes, exactly. I would love that. Next time, I have to be British though. And I’ll come to London.

JB: I’ll be a Texan cowboy. [They laugh.]

In addition to Fellow Travelers, you both have new projects that will be debuting in the coming months. Matt, what were some of your takeaways from working with Bradley Cooper on Maestro?

MB: Bradley is such a generous and beyond talented scene partner—and his style of directing is so electric and present. He wants everything happening on the camera for the first time. I feel like I was really the beneficiary of his process before I started work on Fellow Travelers because I got to watch him and Carey [Mulligan] travel through all these phases of their multidecade romance. And then, [I was] getting to work with Johnny—who’s so similar in many regards, so generous, always keeping you on your toes and bringing things to the material that make the scene richer.

JB: Has Bradley watched Fellow Travelers?

MB: I keep telling him to! And Carey says she wants to. She keeps asking me where it’s on in England.

The third season of Bridgerton will premiere in two parts on May 16 and June 13, 2024. Jonathan, what new layers of Kate (Simone Ashley) and Anthony’s relationship will we see in the new season?

JB: I’m a massive fan of “Kanthony.” There’s so much to enjoy for both of them now, and we explore that in season three. They’ve overcome a lot. [We’re] talking about the need for communication in a romance, and that study of how they communicate and how little they did communicate until the very end [of season two]. So now, we can see them completely celebrate each other for who they are. There are really lovely conversations about heritage and familial roles, and once you meet someone who understands you fully, having sacrificed so much for the families as they both have, how exciting [it is] to make decisions that might change the course for them [as a couple].

Source

[the-starry-seas]

what's one of your fics i could binge tonight?

hmmm, what are you in the mood for?

running with the wolves to get to you, 10k, rated G

Jango and Obi-Wan have been keeping an important secret as their relationship develops, which is that they’re both werewolves. Besides that minor detail, things are going great – at least until their car breaks down on a road trip and the only place they have to stay is an abandoned hotel. The day before Halloween. Which is on a full moon. No way this could go wrong, right?

who you are makes me who i am, 10k, rated G

Boba isn’t the kind of person who forms connections with people. ‘Friends’ are a foreign concept, and the idea of love is even more confusing. Then he saves a woman’s life, and she saves his, and he starts to wonder if it’s all as strange to him as he thinks.

the arms of the ocean delivered me, 11k, rated G

Two years ago, Echo was badly injured by humans, and taken to the Skako Minor aquarium. It's only after he's lost all hope that he finally has a chance to get home, thanks to meeting the Batch - the only other merpeople he's seen since losing his family. When the Batch drops everything to protect him and get him home, is it really any surprise that he wants them to stay?

ghosts have voices, 16k, rated T

Still reeling from Order 66, Obi-Wan finds an even bigger problem on Mustafar: a powerful Dark Side entity that feeds on the life force of Jedi. He’s lucky to escape with baby Luke and Leia, but his regret at their parents’ deaths isn’t the only thing that follows him from the lava moon. The entity is on the hunt. Stranded on a poisonous planet, the odds of surviving aren’t in Obi-Wan’s favour. At least he has an ally in Cody – but even if they manage to escape, Obi-Wan doesn’t know how to ask the man he secretly loves to stay.

if i don't make it back from where i've gone, just know i loved you all along, 23k, rated T

A movie AU where Leonardo travels back in time with Casey. Because even though Leonardo doesn’t want to live any more, Casey doesn’t want to give up on him, and maybe, just maybe, Casey has enough hope for both of them. Or, from my rambling while planning this fic: “future Leo is just so much fun because he's spent the past 22 years demonising his past self for starting the apocalypse but then when he travels back in time to the day it happened so he can stop it, he realises his past self was just a dumb naive kid who had no idea of the potential consequences, so future Leo decides to be gentle with him and it's the only self-love he's ever had because he's always hated himself a little”. As well as “Leonardo trying to break the cycle by being kind to his past self (while still hating his current self) makes me want to put him in therapy and I think makes Dr Delicate Touch want to use him as a piñata”.

this family can bear any weather, 30k, rated G

When Donnie gets his hands on the Arc Capacitor after the events of Out of the Shadows, he decides to repurpose the tech for his own use. Unfortunately the first test run doesn't go well, and he's accidentally transported to a different dimension. His first thought is to find the new reality's version of Donnie, so they can work together to find him a way back home, but while trying to find their lair, he finds a much different version of his brothers instead. At eight, nine, and ten years old, the young turtles are hopelessly lost in the sewers beneath the city, and their only chance at getting home is Donnie. Between finding a way to get four lost turtle kids back to their dad, and finding a way to get himself back to his own reality, he's got a lot to do. AKA the Rise/Bayverse crossover that exactly nobody asked for but I'm writing all the same. Updating Fridays.

Clever Girl, 50k, rated T

A year after defeating Commander Krang, the turtles discover that the Foot Clan intends to bring Shredder back to life. Hoping to stop this plan before it begins, they travel to a secret base, looking for the intended project head, Baxter Stockman. They find the base, they don't find Stockman, and more important than either of those things, they find dinosaurs. Four turtles, four Utahraptors - what could go wrong?

or if you really want a long read, one of my favourites:

two's company, three's a crowd, four's a love story, 91k, rated T

post-BOBF canon Din Djarin/Omera/Cobb Vanth/Paz Vizsla

There’s some BOBF spoilers/references in here, and it's set post-show, but tbh you probably won’t be able to tell canon from headcanon unless you’ve seen the show and know the difference already. Boba, Fennec, the Armorer, and Luke Skywalker make brief appearances in a few scenes. Anyway this is just me in denial of Paz’s BOBF characterization and the fact that Cobb and Omera have only existed for like 15 minutes total in live action. Welcome to my immense amount of headcanons! The majority of this fic is from Din's POV, but there's also a few chapters each from Paz's, Omera's, and Cobb's POV.

[fictionadventurer]

A Crazy Tale

By G.K. Chesterton (1897)

"Hey, diddle, diddle, The cat and the fiddle, The cow jumped over the moon."

It is incredible, but true, that a young man sat opposite me in a restaurant and spoke as is hereafter set down.

He was a tall, spare man, carefully dressed in a formal frock-coat and silk hat. His tone was low and casual, his manner simple and very slow, and his bleak blue eyes never changed. Anyone just out of earshot of the words would have supposed that he was describing, in a rather leisurely way, an opera or a cycling tour. I alone heard the words; and ever since that day I have gone about ready for the Apocalypse, expecting the news of some incalculable revolution in human affairs. For I know that we have reached a new era in the history of our planet: the creation of a second Adam.

He spoke as follows, between the puffs of a cigar:

"I do not ask anyone to believe this story. Only in some wild hour of a windy night, when we could believe anything, when the craziest of a knot of old wives is wiser than all the schools of reason, when the blood is lawless and the brain dethroned, when we could see the windmills grind the wind, and the sea drag the moon, the apple-tree grow lemons, and the cow lay eggs, as in a wild half-holiday of nature; then, in the ear and coarsely, let this tale be told.

"When my story begins, I was walking in a still green place. The words sound strange and abrupt even in my own ears; but there is a reason for their abruptness.

"At that point the record of my life breaks off. The day, hour, or second before some stunning blow, some tremendous event befell me, and I awoke without a memory.

"Of the lost knowledge thus sealed within me I have a kind of half-witted fear. I move trembling in the close proximity of something huge, yet hidden in the darkness of my brain. Only of two things I am convinced. The first is, that this event, which I cannot recall, was the greatest of my life; that after all my adventures, wild as they were, were dwarfed in its unapproachable presence. The second comes of a certain hour, when suddenly, and for a second, the veil was lifted and I knew all. It had gone in a flash, but I am profoundly convinced that if I tell to another all the circumstances that led up to that instantaneous revelation, to him also, as he studies them, the words will suddenly give up their meaning, and their simplicity strike him with an awful laughter.

"This then, is the story.

"The greenness, that I walked like one in a dream, stretched away on all sides to the edges of the sky. Sleepily, I let my eyes fall and woke, with a stunning thrill, to clearness. I stood shrunken with the shock, clutching myself in the smallest compass.

"Every inch of the green place was a living thing, a spire or tongue, rooted in the ground for those fantastic armies. The silence deafened me with a sense of busy eating, working, and breeding. I thought of that multitudinous life, and my brain reeled.

"Treading fearfully amid the growing fingers of the earth, I raised my eyes, and at the next moment shut them, as at a blow. High in the empty air blazed and streamed a great fire, which burnt and blinded me every time I raised my eyes to it. I have lived many years under this meteor of a fixed Apocalypse, but I have never survived the feelings of that moment. Men eat and drink, buy and sell, marry, are given in marriage, and all the time there is something in the sky at which they cannot look. They must be very brave.

"Again, a little while after, as in one of the changes in a dream, I found myself looking at something standing in the fields, something which looked at first like a man, and then like two men, and then like two men joined, till, after dizzy turning and tramping round it like the searching of a maze, I found it was some great abortion of nature with two legs at each end, calmly cropping the grass under the staring sun. I have said that I ask no one to believe this story.

"So I travelled along a road of portents, like undeciphered parables. There was no twilight as in a dream; everything was clear cut in the sunlight, standing out in defiant plainness and infantile absurdity. All was in simple colours, like the landscape of a child's alphabet, but to a child who had not learnt the meaning.

"At one time, I seemed to come to the end of the earth; to a place where it fell into space. A little beyond, the land re-commenced, but between the two I looked down into the sky. As I bent over I saw another bending over under me, hanging head downwards in those fallen heavens, a little child with round eyes. It was some strange mercy of God assuredly that the child did not fall far into hopeless eternity."

The young man paused reflectively. I tried to say "a pool," but the words would not come. I seemed to have forgotten it. I seemed to have forgotten everything except his terrible blue eyes, big with unsupportable significance. Then I realised that he was speaking again. "I heard a great noise out of the sky, and I turned and saw a giant. Stories and legends there are of those who, in the morning of the world, strayed also into the borders of the land of giants. But it is impossible for any tongue to utter the overpowering sense of anarchy and portent felt in seeing so much of the landscape moving upon two legs, of looking up and seeing a face like my own, colossal, filling the heavens.

"He lifted me like a flying bird through space and set me upon his shoulder. I shall never forget the sight of his huge bare features growing larger as I came nearer to them; the sun shining on them as they smiled and smiled; a sight to give one dreams."

The young man paused again. I seemed to feel the whole sane universe of custom and experience slipping from me, and with an effort like a drowning man's I cried out desperately. "But it was a man--it was your father."

He raised his eyebrows, as at a coincidence. "So they said," he observed. "Do you know what it means?"

I found myself broken and breathless, as Job might have been, battered with the earthquake question of Omniscience.

He went on, smoking slowly.

"With the giant was a woman. When I saw her something stirred within me like the memory of a previous existence. And after I had lived some little while with them, I began to have an idea of what the truth must be. Instead of killing me, the giant and giantess fed and tended me like servants. I began to understand that in that lost epic of adventures which led up to the greatest event of my life, I must have done some great service for these good people. What it was, I had, by a quaint irony, myself forgotten. But I loved to see it shining with inscrutable affection in the woman's eyes like the secret of the stars. There are few things more beautiful than gratitude.

"One day, as I stood beside her knee, she spoke to me; but I was speechless. A new and dreadful fancy had me by the throat. The woman was smaller than before. The house was smaller: the ceiling was nearer. Heaven and earth, even to the remotest star, were closing in to crush me.

"The next moment I had realize the truth, fled from the house, and plunged into the thickets like a thing possessed. A disease of transformation too monstrous for nightmare had quickened within me. I was growing larger whether I would or no.

"I rolled in the gravel, revolving wild guesses as to whether I should grow to fill the sky, a giant with my head in heaven, bewildered among the golden plumage of Cherubim. This, as a matter of fact, I never did.

"It will always fill me with awe to think that no sign or premonition gave me warning of what I saw next. I merely raised my eyes--and saw it.

"Within a few feet of me was kneeling one of my own size, a little girl with big blue eyes and hair as black as crows.

"The landscape behind her was the same in every hedge and tree that I had left; yet I felt sure I had come into a new world.

"I had got to my feet and made her a kind of bow, looking a fantastic figure enough; but a red star came into her cheek.

" 'Why, you are quite nice,' she said.

"I looked at her enquiringly.

" 'They say you are the mad boy,' she said, 'who stares at everything. But I think I like them mad.'

"I said nothing. I only stood up straight, and thanked God for every turn of my rambling path through that elvish topsey-turveydom, which had led at length to this. Although I had not asked for a miracle in answer, two or three drops of clear water fell out of the open sky.

" 'There will be a storm,' cried the girl hastily.

"She seemed quite frightened of the dark that had come over the wood, and the shocks of sound that shook the sky now and again. This fear surprised me, for she had not seemed afraid of the grass.

"She seemed so broken with the noise and dark and driving rain that I put my arm round her. As I did so, something new came over me: a feeling less alien, and disturbed, more responsible and strangely strong; as if I had inherited a trust and privilege. For the first time I felt a kinship with the monstrous landscape; I knew that I had been sent to the right place.

" 'You are very brave,' she said, as the deafening skies seemed bowed about us and shouting in our ears; 'Do you not hear it?'

" 'I hear the daisies growing,' I said.

"Her answer was lost in the thunder.

"We were miles further on before she said, 'But are you not mad?'

"I spoke; but it seemed as if another spoke in my ear.

" 'I am the first that ever saw in the world. Prophets and sages there have been, out of whose great hearts came schools and churches. But I am the first that ever saw a dandelion as it is.'

"Wind and dark rain swept round, swathing in a cloud the place of that awful proclamation."

The young man paused once more. Some one near me moved his chair against mine. I remember with what a start I realised that I was in a crowded room; not in a desert with an insane hermit.

"But you have not told me," I said, "of the great moment: when you seemed to have discovered all."

"It is soon told," he said. "Ten years afterwards the girl and I stood in one room together: we were man and wife. Other men and women went in and out, all of my own stature. There were no more giants; it was as though I had dreamed of them. I seemed to have come back among my own people.

"Just then my wife, who was bending over a kind of couch, lifted a coverlet, and I saw that for which, haply, I have been sent to this fantastic borderland of things.

"It was a little human creature hardly bigger than a bird. And when I saw it, I--knew everything. I knew what was the greatest event of my life: the event I had forgotten."

I said "Being born" in a low voice.

I did not dare to look at his face.

The next consciousness I had was that he had risen to his feet, and was putting on his gloves very carefully.

I sprang erect also and spoke quickly.

"What does it mean? Are you a man? What thing are you? Are you a savage, or a spirit, or a child? You wear the dress and speak the language of a cultivated pupil of this over-cultivated time: yet you see everything as if you saw it for the first time. What does it mean?"

After a silence he spoke in his quiet way.

"Have you ever said some simple word over and over till it became unmeaning, a scrap of an unknown tongue, till you seem to be opening and shutting your mouth with a cry like an animal's? So it is with the great world in which we live: it begins familiar: it ends unfamiliar. When first men began to think and talk and theorise and work the world over and over with phrases and associations, then it was involved and fated, as a psychological necessity, that some day a creature should be produced, corresponding to the twentieth pronunciation of the word, a new animal with eyes to see and ears to hear; with an intellect capable of performing a new function never before conceived truly; thanking God for his creation. I tell you religion is in its infancy; dervish and anchorite, Crusader and Ironside, were not fanatical enough, or frantic enough, in their adoration. A new type has arrived. You have seen it."

He moved towards the door. Then I noticed he had come to a stand-still again, and was gazing at the floor apparently in deep thought.

"I have never understood them," he said. "Those two creatures I see everywhere, stumping along the ground, first one and then the other. I have never been content with the current explanation that they were my feet."

And he passed out, still carefully buttoning his gloves.

I went back to the table and sat down. About four minutes after he was gone I felt a kind of mental shock, like something resuming its place in my brain.

It occurred to me that the man was mad. I am almost ashamed to admit with what suddenness it came. For so long as I was in his presence, I had believed him and his whole attitude to be sane, normal, complete, and that it was the rest, the whole human race, that were half-witted, since the making of the world.

[thrashkink-coven]

Random thoughts about Jophiel because he’s on my mind today

Jophiel truly was my introduction into the occult. My relationship with him has a lot more history than many of my other spirits, even that of Lord Lucifer, so I cherish him very deeply and consider him to be my patron saint. You may notice that I use he/ him pronouns for Jophiel which is unusual. Jophiel has always appeared to me androgynously (of course) but has always seemed to assume a kind of masculine energy, even with all his feminine aspects. He’s kind of like me in that way.

I first “met” Jophiel around the age of 7. I had a very surreal “dream” in which a ghostly figure with luminescent white hair and firey - incomprehensible- blue eyes appeared in my room and explained to me that we were eternally bound. He told me that no matter where I go, he will find me and “keep me in good condition”. Weird dream for a 7 year old to be having!!

(Note: I’m 99% sure Jophiel is not my holy guardian angel- he himself has told me that he is not “the one responsible for that role”)

I remember thinking he was inhumanly beautiful, purely beautiful- so much so that it’s almost uncanny. He is beautiful in a way a human cannot be- the way that a painting or a flower is beautiful. Beyond description.

He’s like a cathedral or an ocean beaming with life, and it affected my idea of beauty for the rest of my life. Jophiel is beauty that is beyond understanding. The beauty in music that makes you tear up without understanding why. The beauty in a poem that makes you strangely melancholy for months. He is aesthetic in itself, the idea of beautiful elements coming together to portray an emotion. He is the beauty of existence and the melancholy of its destruction.

Jophiel always speaks softly, almost muted. In fact he seems to mute the entire world. His energy is shrill, rings extremely high, but he also washes over you like ocean waves, swelling and waning and swelling again in cycles. He is a liminal entity who exists between spaces. He’s someone you have to be very quiet to notice.

Since that first introduction to him I had developed the ability to “see things”. I hold my skepticism close to my chest, but I also cannot deny my experiences. Since the age of 7 or so I have been able to see the energy on certain objects among other things. Perhaps these would be described as “auras”. Sometimes I can see the intentions of others before they act, their energy will swell to a certain direction and then they will take that path seconds later. I don’t want to go to into specifics for fear of sounding crazy or delusional, but Jophiel’s blessing allowed me to somewhat see through the vail when my mind is in the right state. It allowed me to be aware of the energies around me that I cannot see with my own two eyes but with my “third” if that makes sense. I was also given greater access to astral travel. Other witches in my community have described them as the abilities of a “seer”, I believe these abilities came directly from Jophiel. But, again, skepticism skepticism.

About a year or so ago Jophiel started seriously pursuing me, maybe even haunting me for months in my dreams. He showed me a lot of incomprehensible cryptic symbolism and visions, seemingly in hopes to get me to take my craft more seriously and stop questioning whether my reality is real. In order to understand how to use my abilities I’d have to first stop questioning their existence- and this is when I took up Jophiel as my patron more seriously. I genuinely believed that I was losing my mind at this point, things became very clear and that was very confusing. Angels don’t care how much or little you believe in them, when they have a job for you to do they will make you believe, whether you want to or not.

Jophiel can be stern, terrible and terrifying. He is the angel with the flaming sword. He is not at all afraid to get serious by any means, and he has most definitely put me in my place a couple times. He is the strength and wisdom that is required to protect beauty as well as the beauty itself. Jophiel doesn’t need to yell- in fact he doesn’t need to say anything at all to get his point across. He really doesn’t tolerate disrespect, as kind as he is he is still an Archangel with legions of angels beneath him.

I thoroughly believe his purpose was to prepare me for the other magical relationships I later developed with his assistance. Jophiel and Lucifer (and Haniel) are extremely merciful and understanding of human mistakes and clumsiness. Other spirits are not so much. Jophiel made it very clear to me that my angelic work needed to lay the foundation for my work with the infernals. My boundaries and protections needed to be strong in order to delve into the darkness unscathed.

We now have a relationship where he will sometimes show me visions that I will then use as inspirations for drawings. He seems to really enjoy this, saying once that “his will has become real in my material though the intentions of my hands”.

Jophiel has appeared to me in a variety of forms. Sometimes he is not a person, but a place. An oasis in a desert or a field of lavender. He is music and art in every form, but also wisdom. The art and wisdom of maths and sciences and sacred geometry. The geometry that builds your cells and arranges your atoms.

Sometimes he is gargantuan, so tall that I cannot see the top of him like a mountain. Sometimes he is so bright that I fear he will burn my eyes out of my skull. He speaks quietly but he can also be VERY LOUD! Because of his raw intensity I only summon him once every few months. It takes a long time and requires weeks of submerging myself deep in prayer. Jophiel adores prayer.

I see many people equate Jophiel to a happy cheerful young girl. To me he is always pleasant, but not necessarily a happy go lucky ball of sunshine. Don’t get me wrong, he is literally a ball of sunshine- he is pure light and love. But his immense wisdom creates a sense of quietness in him- nuance. He is aware of the cycle of creation and destruction- how beautiful things can become ugly and how ugly things are beautiful. How beauty is so subjective and therefore adaptive. He isn’t a stereotypical portrayal of beauty and love- not at all.

While other spirits represent more carnal love of the flesh and lust, Jophiel is more oriented towards the love of culture, the love of the natural beauty of the world, the love a child has for a stuffed toy, or the love a painter feels towards a flower. In fact I would go as far as to describe Jophiel as a virgin goddess. He has actually told me himself that he does not like to be sexualized, although he has nothing against sex in general it is not his greatest sphere of influence.

Many occultists have corresponded Jophiel with Saturn and Jupiter, as a wise and capable guardian. I personally believe that Jophiel is also Venusian. I believe he is among the spirits that embody the principles of Venus. This is more of a upg based off of my experiences with him and his leading me towards Archangel Haniel and Lord Lucifer. They are extremely familiar and have good opinions of each other.

The last time I saw Jophiel was a few nights ago in my dreams. He was accompanied by a legion of angels behind him (fucking wild to see, they look like a bunch of glowing goo that shifts around and oscillates when they’re all together like that) and he basically said “Hi, it’s nice to see you but I’m really busy right now, okay bye!” and I thought that was really funny.

He always likes to answer whenever I call even if it’s just to tell me that he’s unavailable which is really really nice. Not even Faviel does that for me lol.

Anyways, that was just a bunch of brain vomit about my relationship with Jophiel. I really do love him so much. Maybe I’ll make a post about ways to better connect with him some time for those who are interested.

I usually end these posts off with “Ave ___!” as a devotional send off, but angels work a little differently than that, so I’ll just say thank you Jophiel for everything that you’ve given me and everything that you are. You are my dear friend and I wish you well. May we meet again soon.

[reredram]

Experimental thingy, gonna try to make some iterator\travel logs for my iterator oc Bright Scale Among the Feathers ━┅━┅━┅━┅━┅━┅━┅━┅━┅━━┅━┅━┅━┅━┅━┅ After disconnecting himself from his superstructure to avoid death due collapse, rebuilding his body to adapt onto traversing big distances in harsh conditions and autonomy support of life without help of superstructure, Scale makes logs to keep the track of his adventure in search for answers about his group and The Samsara Experiment.

Log number 32-DF-1\4-07 Cycles after collapse:15 I am proceeding through my former territory, so far the main problem is still excessively low temperatures and the landscape destroyed by time. The idea to build an iterator high in the mountains, in a subzero temperature zone, is undoubtedly a good solution that removes the problem of overheating of our mechanisms and eliminates the need for constant access to a water source, but as soon as my superstructure stopped functioning, ceasing to heat the air in the area, snowstorms became a deadly threat, reducing the additional time for movement between cycles to minimum indicators. Surprisingly, even at such ultra-low temperatures, there are extremophile plants on my way that live in hardly suitable conditions. As my colleague, Roaming Ram, used to say, nature will always find a way. The reserves of resources taken from the superstructure are inexorably running out, but no signs of fauna or edible flora have been found. I need to focus on finding food, otherwise I'll die here, covered in snow, under my own superstructure.

Log number 32-DF-1\4-08 Cycles after collapse:21 The resources completely ran out 3 cycles ago, and this body is starting to fail. The remaining energy is barely enough to keep moving in short dashes from shelter to shelter. Recently, I almost fell off a ledge, tripping and rolling down in the snow. It would be unpleasant to end my journey on such a humiliating note. No signs of any kind of life have been detected so far. I tried to eat one of the extremophilic plants, but its bitterness almost made me vomit. There is no benefit. It's terrible to feel so helpless. Once such a powerful being, almost godlike, is dying the hell where, alone, wrapped in a metal tail to at least keep warm a little. What a pathetic sight. How low I've fallen.

Log number 32-DF-1\4-09 Cycles after collapse:29 After wandering for a long time through the lifeless snow-covered wastelands, I found a small region, which is a bunker built underground. It's not as cold as it is outside, and there are even some areas with spears on which lanterns are strung. Surprisingly, despite the fact that this primitive structure consists of luminous slime and a transparent shell, it emits enough heat to keep warm in a small radius from itself. I need to keep a couple of these in my pocket, then I'll forget the worries about my life support systems disabling due to extreme cold. However, the most important thing is that I found signs of life. I met a lone scavenger, and despite the fact that I didn't show any aggression towards him, he attacked me anyway. I tried to respond with same, launching a rapid attack, but he managed to dodge my spear, as a result of which I had to hastily retreat so that he would not injure me, this is the last thing I need. Scavengers have never been known for their love for iterators, on the contrary, these dim-witted primates were constantly an annoying problem, either damaging the exterior of my hyperstructure for weapons in the form of spears, or knocking down and destroying my overseers. I heard the news that some iterators had entire infestations of scavengers, who flooded their cities, deserted by from ancients, causing chaos there. An unenviable fate. However, I will not just leave this humiliation. I'll wait out the cycle to regain some strength and kill this obnoxious parasite.

Log number 32-DF-1\4-10 Cycles after collapse:30 Justice has been done. I cornered this scavenger, and despite his attempts to fight back, one precise blow to the body, and he's dead. My body almost shut down in the process due to lack of resources, but the deflection system worked, repelling his attack. Upon closer examination of the corpse, I found explosives on it, collected, dried and crushed fruits of explosive cherries, tightly stuffed into a dark shell. Primitive, but effective, it's good that he didn't think to throw it at me in such a narrow room, I don't think that in a weakened state my body would have survived the explosion. And now, I was faced with a dilemma. On the one hand, the corpse of an intelligent being lies in front of me. Scavengers have tribes, hierarchies, and some kind of culture. Eating the corpse of an intelligent being, even if it shows aggression towards me, is unethical and simply disgusting. On the other hand, if I don't consume AT LEAST SOMETHING, then my systems will completely run out and fail to work, and, technically speaking, I will "die". ... To hell with morality and ethics. I don't want to die.

[nyoxt]

8, 13, 50 for Mutt and 9, 16, 36 for Belrod :D 💛

Mutt: [8] How open they are about their true feelings, both positive and negative?  She's more open with negative ones- if she's annoyed or angry-you will know about it, if not verbally than with body language/expressions. With positive feelings she's pretty much very closed. You'll need to pull those out of her with the tongs. While trying to not get shot or kicked.

[13] What kind of sense of humor do they have, if any? Mutt has little sense of humor and it's mostly dark/sarcastic. If she jokes she does it with the straightest face and blunt/dry delivery. Surprisingly her most usual “jokes” are pranks- and those used to be quite sadistic/bullying in her younger years- like shooting someone in the foot and laughing at the resulted suffering, but later became less violent. I mean, it's still got a violent flail to it, but it's more of a force of a habit than realized intention. But when her pranks are actually funny- Coyote might bestow upon her some small boons, like a good luck for a short time or a magic buff. [50] What are they really good and really bad at? Mutt is very good with guns, inflicting violence, following orders, decent at planning combat encounters. Can be a pretty good leader, but not enthusiastically. She’s rather bad with magic. She’s been awakened since her teen age, but never seriously worked on her abilities or connected with it much, thinking that guns/rifles are a more reliable way to fight. Aaaand she's especially bad at forming healthy connections with other people- because for the majority of her life she used to stick to the meanest strongest groups she could get into, with strongly reinforced hierarchies on top of that - so forming new relationships which are not grounded within strength or combat experience- is h a r d. And it’s also made harder because Mutt can’t exactly realize the roots of this problem, doesn’t know what help to ask for, and doesn’t want to ask for help because it is something awkward and being awkward is a sign of weakness and being weak will get you to the bottom of the food chain-> the cycle continues Belrod: [9] What is their love language?  Gifts- he looooves to bring people his favorite ppl things they want/like; actions of service; words of affection. Many many words of affection. Screams of affections even- if he befriends you he might scream from the rooftops how awesome and cool you are and how much he loves you. Literally, like, climbing on some roof and screaming. [16] Do they easily rely on others to help them out, or prefer doing everything themselves? Bel was always a perfect team player, he’s very good at finding his place and use in a team. And growing up with a rather big family+a huge extended family and in a tightly knit community- he knows when and how and who to ask for help and how to rely on others! His challenge during Origins+Awakening was actually in learning to do things alone sometimes and make important decisions by himself. [36] Do they own items that have sentimental value? -The boots his mother made him. He couldn't walk in them for the long travels because they were a bit too tight, but they were always in his backpack. Bel gifted them to Morrigan when she said she likes the embroidery on the boots. Because he thinks that things are the happiest when used for their purpose, and will bring more luck this way than when buried in the bag.

-his mother's tiny knife. It's not very useful in serious combat, but it's easy to conceal and is great for surprise stabbings. He hates when people insult its size/usefulness, and threatens to “put it in your eye and see how funny this “toothpick” will look up close”.

-Alistair's rose. Bel keeps it dried between the pages of his journal.

-"Fang" dagger. Bel finds blade's shape hard to get used to, but it belonged to his mother, so he loves and cherishes it. 

As you can see- he loves his mom a lot.

[plasmaapologist]

...just realized i left my introduction in the drafts. oops. at least i have a better photo now.

my names tula, and i'm a registered pokémon nurse with a horrible tendency to ramble. i live in unova and do some work here, but i mainly travel to other regions for this.

i am a former member of team plasma. former. my username is ironic because i cope with humor.

i ran away from home at age 14- it's a long story - and ended up being indoctrinated in. i, like many others, were lucky to have a sort of "snap to reality" moment after ghetsis' first arrest, before the formation of neo plasma, but not before i spent 10 years of my life working for him. many people are shocked by how open i am about my experience, but i think its extremely important to talk about these things: if i could help just one person leave this cycle, or keep someone from entering it, then it would make the shame worth it.

i have dedicated my life to helping pokémon, as a way to attone, i suppose. my darling solosis, mini, travels with me, though i must admit she's quite the spoiled brat. to have such an innocent creature love and trust you is the most healing experience someone can ask for, and i acknowledge that i was so very lucky. i had a home to return to, i was able to find work despite my history, and physically, i bear only a scar on my back and a missing finger... also just so we all know i am a natural ginger and i am not going to dye my hair please stop asking thanks

feel free to ask me any questions you may have: about pokemon, about myself, or my experience with team plasma, any of the sort. and if you need help leaving neo plasma or a group like it, please shoot me a message, i'll give you all the advice i can.

- tula ☆

ooc and admin info:

hi! im cassini, im 21, and i have not rpd since middle school. please be nice

im okay with joining events and plotlines! but i do not know how to join in naturally and get too embarrassed to ask. please shoot me a message/invite! muse list bellloowwwww tulas info

im not lore compliant at times and am even willing to bend (most) of my own headcanons bc multiverse and the likes! very flexible in general

okay more important tula things:

- sapient pokemon interaction is okay! tula will generally believe them. shes seen weirder. legendaries will be met with much more scrutiny, but kindness.

- i keep her age purposefully vauge for "pokemon timeline makes no sense" reasons, but you can generally imagine her somewhere between 26-30, probably.

- shes been through a lot and often copes with humor, which means she tends to come off the wrong way a lot of the time

- though open about her time in plasma, she doesnt like talking about how it affected her

- she speaks before thinking and often posts in bursts do to this

- she has a pretty shitty memory

MUSE LIST:

Timeline 1:

Tula Gagnon - @plasmaapologist (OC. 📍Unova. Birthday: January 1st)

Callisto Aoki - @cherishcherubi (OC. 📍 Kalos. Birthday: October 25th)

Iolana Kealoha - @teamskullkalos (OC. 📍Kalos. Birthday: April 12th)

Timeline 2:

Mari Pijotto - @marifromkoto (OC. 📍Paldea. Birthday: December 18th)

Katy - @patisserie-soapberry (Canon. 📍Paldea.)

Atticus - @navisquadatticus (Canon. 📍Paldea.)

Larry - @medali-gym (Canon. 📍Paldea. Half joke blog.)

Robin Lusk - @absolsrenegade (OC/Self Insert. 📍Unova. Birthday: July 5th)

Timeline 3:

Timeline Unknown:

Grise (Hilda Lewis) - @driftingtrainer (Canon. 📍 Vagabond. Birthday: October 5th)

Rochelle Ichihara - @basaltpowder (OC. 📍Hoenn. Birthday ??? )

Barbie & Ken: @championbarbie-swimmerken - (It's fucking Barbie. Yeah, the pink one. 📍 Everywhere. She's Barbie. Birthdays: March 9th, March 11th)

Ice - @rottenice OC. 📍Primarily Sinnoh, but travels a lot. Birthday: December 21st. Please read content warnings in the pinned post.

Miki Nakajima - @nakajima-lgm OC.📍 Johto. Birthday unknown. Please read content warnings in the pinned post.

@galacticfoundation - Team Galactic AU blog.

@twotoypokemon Pokémon Rumble based blog. Sapient Pokémon OC. 📍Axel Town

[dark-commart]

Iterator: Gazing Upon the Stars

Post Mass Ascension rough timeline:

Gazing Upon the Stars, as well as workgroup-[STARCHASERS], conclude work on The Great Problem, considering it pointless and/or completed as evident by the Ascension of their creators, reverting to original purpose as a group. Individually however own tasks and objectives were set

Starts a project of observation and analyze of local wildlife, especially in comparison to more standardized Iterator and their respectful Facility Grounds

Develops a new "quirk" - collection and preservation of information of any and all kinds

Speech-pattern errors worsen and displayed as repeating sentences or words, be in audio or text format

Working on different projects individually or as a group

"Quirk" develops further - develops a need to transfer the information, regarding just storing is insufficient and wasteful.

Discovery of Scavengers. Initially disregarded, but monitored and cataloged

Large group moved to his facility grounds, observed "scavenging" behavior, facilities go into a lockdown in order to prevent damaging to sensitive equipment

Upon continued observation and limited experimentation were discovered three attribute which picked Stars interest: Possession of karma (as evident by their ability to open Karma-5-set gates), ability to solve rudimental logical puzzles, observed behavior very similar to teaching, performed by the older members of the group, specifically the creation of the "lantern". The later one was especially important for him, for another specific displays ability to learn and teach, which is exactly that his view of "Just stored and not transferred information is useless". With some hesitation and minor protests of taboos implanted in his very being, he lifted lockdowns from majority of accessed, allowing the small tribe continue their climb on top of his Superstructure, but still blocking access to more sensitive part, such as direct surface access to Experimental Wing, some of the Internal laboratories and data-centers of Core Labs, the shaft of Communication mast and the observatories themselves. Upon making sure the lock-downs are proper executed, Gazing Upon the Stars starts his biggest and greatest of projects: Speed-up evolution and development of Scavenger species, transfer of knowledge and teachings of his creators to the the successors of this world. But for this he would require a life-time of simulations, observations, deciphering of their means of communication, search of information related to society development and creating proper image to present as and, most importantly, a link between him and them

In time Scavenger made aware of on that they are settled on, rumors of "Gods" living within metal mountains coming from other tribes with travelers and traders, observation of cycles of rain and popping there and there Overseers, which were initially meet with fear, but more and more with matching curiosity. Many tried to venture inside the metal mountain, but not many returned and who did spoke of weird world. World in which your body felt light like a feather, world populated by weird glowing creatures, some of which move like flock of fish through the air and some who's very keen on keeping outsiders away, world of sounds and buzzing noises, which have weird rhythm to them.

Not many venture in anymore of fear of dangers, but some still try their lack in hundred of Sun and Moon cycles, but all without much lack until one very lucky (or unlucky) made their way all the way to the heart of the structure and meet God face to face, and the name of the Scavenger is Scholar, the future Herald of Gazing Upon the Stars

Note: art does not represent their first meeting and also include old designs of both Iterator and Scavenger

[ruthlesslistener]

Spare Grimm headcanons? Funky goth bastard has been on my mind lately

Sure! These are just scraps lying around me old noggin

-Started off as a twin to the Radiance, who then slowly grew more and more distant as each accumulated new differences between them. This works mainly because the majority of their power sits in the Dream Realm, so they do not obey the same rules of biology as those born in the physical realm (like PK, who mimics a biological being quite well despite basically being composed of soul pretending to be flesh). Grimm now views his sister as a pitiful thing almost entirely apart from himself, and while he does wish things did not turn out the way they did, he wouldn't shed a tear at her death

-Created the butterfly tribe soon after Radiance created the moths (or was it before...?) Both argue that they had their own idea first. Grimm doesn't tie himself to them, however, because the Radiance's obsession with being the mother of the moths/be accepted and loved by them all disturbed him. Also, being tied to them brings discrimination from those terrified of him, so if you ask his relationship to them, he'll never give you a straight answer

-The butterflies, in turn, either do not worship him directly; they are often traveling preformers, much like their creator, but they dance and sing and turn to the arts to remind people to value life when it is rich and beautiful, not to herald Grimm's arrival (as is often misunderstood by those who know of him). They also never speak his name, so many who are estranged from their tribe just straight-up don't know him

-Split himself into three (Nightmare Heart, Nightmare King, Troupe Master Grimm) partially because he disliked the all-eggs-in-one-basket means the other gods did, and partially because he was curious about death. The Troupe Master form will literally 'burn out' without the full might of its componant parts to constantly regenerate it in the physical world, which is why he has that phoenix-like lifestyle. If one part is killed, the others survive, but he cannot live a continuous, constantly immortal existance like the rest of his kin

-Infertile; can only reproduce asexually, which bothers him sometimes. Actually a great dad though fuck y'all who says otherwise. Tends to adopt kids he finds in warzones/runaways, which gives him a legend of being a grubnapper and cradlerobber despite him not going out of his way to steal children

-Opportunist to the core: is he as dangerous as other gods? Probably not. He holds no territory of his own apart from his troupe, and he's a scavenger to boot. But he's less of a mild-mannered vulture, and more of a crow; he'll wait patiently for his turn at the carcass of old civilizations, but if he finds an easy way to hurry along the process, he will. And while he does feel pity for unfortunate souls, he will also devour their fear and dread just as hungrily, because that's kind of his entire job. He's the cleanup crew. It's nothing personal

-Does he have bones? Organs? A face? Don't ask

-Much like wyrms are legends brought to life of now-extinct vertebrates like snakes, Grimm has batlike/mammilian features because legends are still whispered about those ancient enemies of the night, even though it has been many millenia since they went extinct, and bugs were small enough to be hunted by them. Their memory lives on in legend and the deepest instinctual fears of bugs, and manifests itself in Grimm

-Somewhere above 13,000 years old, if we count continuous rebirth cycles as a single life. Yes, the Radiance was this old as well. I place their creation somewhere around the time bugs became able to conceptualize/tell stories of their hopes and fears, which brought them into being

-Gender? Whatever feels like the most fun preformance for him right now. Gender doesn't exist when you're a dream coaxed into reality, with all the temporal bindings that posesses (almost none). He usually uses he/him bc Radi feels very strongly positively about she/her, and bc its dapper, but that's not set in stone by far. More set in smoke, and just as whimsical and easy to change

-Somewhat of a narrative foil to the Pale King, but in self-sacrifice, responsibility, and fatherhood, unlike the direct foil of the Radiance. Bit incoherent rn bc I'm sleepy, but despite his fairytrap deal of joining the Troupe still being, well, a fairytrap, he doesn't hold anyone to strict loyalty like PK. Yeah he's a nightmare god who lives on the entrails of civilizations felled by death and ruin, yeah he's exactly what he sounds like he is, but he's also not cruel. That would be a waste of precious time and energy, and he hasn't got much to lose, either, so why bother? He's just genuinely a laid-back dude when it comes to the other gods. Best to let them tear each other apart, he'll always profit when the warmongering is over no matter what

[pokemonbiologyirlthetabletop]

Bramblin & Brambleghast

Bramblin (#946)

Vagarusvitae parvus

General Information: Bramblin the Tumbleweed Pokémon. This Pokémon will roll the desert winds aimlessly, going wherever the winds may take it.

Bramblin average at about 2 feet tall (0.6 M) and weigh about 1.3 pounds (0.6 kg).

Habitat: Bramblin are native to arid lands, where water is scarce and the winds will take them as far and long as they could ever want. While they resemble the tumbleweed plant, which contribute to water scarcity and erosion and are an invasive species on Turtle Island (the Americas), Bramblins are not technically an actual tumbleweed in the strict sense, but are in the looser practical sense, if that makes sense. Bramblins are a Pokémon, and real tumbleweeds are not Pokémon. That’s the difference. Anyways, this distinction needs to be made, because while actual tumbleweeds are an invasive species that comes from Eurasia, Bramblins can originate on any continent with souls and plants to get entangled within. This does not stop them from being a nuisance everywhere they go.

Life Cycles: Like many ghost-types, Bramblin have multiple methods of reproduction. The true origin of this species was when lost souls, who had died trying to traverse an arid grassland, became entangled in the plants there and eventually this willpower to persist, to exist, to travel, formed the first Bramblins. The process of dead souls animating inanimate things, such as plants and rocks, to create a Pokémon, is a type of Pokemonification, and seems to be an intrinsic facet of the world that is consistent, persistent, and replicatable. This means that even today, Bramblins continue to be born from lost souls that entangled themselves into plants and couldn’t move on to join the Wheel of Reincarnation. These Bramblins are described as “first-generation ghosts,” and unfortunately, there is a very real possibility that the lost soul that became a Bramblin, may have been human first. Because of this very real possibility, many countries consider it unethical to own a first-generation Bramblin (if this can be proven one way or another), or outright ban all ownership of the species, or perhaps restrict ownership only to those with a Bramblin who can legally prove consent to human handling. With that said, there are many Bramblins that are “second+ generation ghosts” who are born normally from eggs.

From these eggs, Bramblins are born in clutches of 20-30 about twice a year: once in the summer and once in the winter. After birth, they ride the winds of fate and tumble around the world. Eventually, they will level up, find a mate, perhaps even evolve. When they do find a mate, the mating process is brief, for the life of a Bramblin is one of fleeting encounters and uncertain journeys. Their small eggs are laid where they can inside bushes and rock piles, and then off they go again.

Behavior: While Bramblins are amicable enough, its hard for them to develop close bonds with others of their kind (or others in general) and may not easily form the tight bonds that a trainer may desire for their team. They’re also atrocious parents who provide literally zero parental care, and the babies are born fully independent.

Diet: Despite being plants, they’re dead plants and thus don’t actually consume any sunlight. Instead, Bramblins consume the souls of whatever they manage to catch inside themselves.

Conservation: Least Concern

Relationship with Humans: Bramblins have a strange relationship with humans, mostly because some of them are human, and Pokémon Rights Laws often give additional protections to any Pokémon that Used To Be Human, but the species is, unfortunately, a right proper nuisance. Like tumbleweeds, Bramblins have been known to form huge piles of themselves that can even encase buildings. These pile-ups are a fire hazard and a danger to human habitations. Wildlife Management often struggle to find middle-grounds between eradicating a species that Sometimes Used To Be Human and is also an actual safety hazard.

Classification: The species epithet, “Parvus” means “small” or “little” and refers to Bramblin being the smaller version of its line.

Brambleghast (#947)

Vagarusvitae magnus

General Information: Brambleghast the Tumbleweed Pokémon, and the evolved form of Bramblin. This Pokémon is effectively just a larger version of Bramblin, which comes with its own consequences. While its pre-evolution could occasionally bury a whole house, Brambleghasts have been known to develop mass outbreaks that can bury entire towns!

Brambleghasts average at 3’11 feet tall (1.3 M) and weigh about 13.2 pounds (6 kg).

Habitat: Arid deserts and grasslands.

Life Cycles: Brambleghasts are bigger than Bramblins, allowing them to catch larger prey and even give themselves a modicum of control over where the wind takes them. This makes it a little easier for Brambleghasts to coordinate their efforts and tackle problems together, but the key phrase here is “a little.” Otherwise, not much changes from the life of a Bramblin to the life of a Brambleghast.

Of note, at all stages of life, Brambleghasts are predated upon by any Pokémon who might fancy eating a dry, thorny plant. Such Pokémon include (but are not limited to): Gogoats, Mudsdales, and Camerupts.

Behavior: Brambleghasts are not terribly social Pokémon, not out of any direct anti-social inclinations but lack of opportunity and an upbringing them doesn’t incline them toward sociality. A trainer may struggle to get their Brambleghast to properly bond with the rest of their team, though of course every individual is unique.

Diet: Brambleghasts feed upon the souls of their captured prey inside their brambles. When they’re done feeding, the corpse is released and set out to rot. Vullabys and Mandibuzzes are known to follow the meanderings of Brambleghasts in the hopes of easy leftovers.

Conservation: Least Concern

Relationship with Humans: Brambleghasts are a nightmare for fire protection squads, especially when they happen to encase entire towns in themselves. Whether encasing entire towns in themselves is intentional or happenstance, it’s hard to say, and cases can be made either way, but this does not stop them from being the huge problem for fire and safety patrols as they are. While a Brambleghast won’t eat a human (probably… we’re too big), they will happily eat any Pokémon or other critter too stupid to be caught in its tangle of thorns. Which is a problem. There is no shortage of work for any Pokémon Ranger seeking to wrangle Brambleghasts for a living, that’s for sure.

Classification: The genus name “Vagarusvitae” combines “vagarus” (wandering) and “vitae” (life), and the species epithet, “magnus” means “large,” a reference to Brambleghast being the large of the two species.

Evolution: Brambleghast evolves from Bramblin after it has journeyed a thousand and one miles (and is at least level 15).

~~~~~~~~

Hey guess what, if you like my stuff, this is my website where you can find other Pokémon I've written on and more information about the game that I’m slowly making! Check it out! I write books sometimes too.

[springcatalyst]

5 & 17 for liliana and 15 & 20 for reiji? 👉👈

OH YEAH BABY

5: Does your oc have a signature weapon and/or attack? How long did they train to master it?

Yeass so she typically just has these two curved cutlass-type swords that she uses and she is. very good at it. Swordfighting is a sort of tradition among sailors, a holdover from navys before the cataclysm, and as such her father Kane (follower of history, teller of stories, keeper of otherwise lost knowledge) taught it to her from a fairly young age. He, of course, never really intended for her to use it- their ship, under Kane, was a vessel of exploration, not conquest. She learned formal swordfighting to real skill, but little actual experience, until much later in life. She learned a offensive, more dual-wielding style as opposed to a defensive one (like with a parrying knife) because it was theoretical first, as opposed to a more practical fighting style which places higher value on defense like those that other sailors who may expect to actually fight would.

17: Does you oc have an enemy? What happened between them? Is it mutual or one-sided? Petty or serious? Revenge? Does one hate want the other dead or hate them from afar?

HMM IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL (lie). Yeag alright babey here is Liliana Lore 101- finally telling you what her fucking problem is.

Nadia was on Kane's ship, the Halcyon. She served as the navigator for a few years in Liliana's early adulthood. During that time they grew close. Nadia has her own cast of goals and reasons, but from Liliana's perspective (very trusting, very gullible, no reason to believe anything out of the ordinary), one day out of nowhere when they were docked, she grabbed Liliana from the town to walk out along the cliffs on the seaside, where she told her she'd killed Kane, the ship was hers, and made a solid attempt to kill Liliana as well. She was lucky- it was high tide and she missed the rocks at the bottom. Nadia doesn't know this. She leaves with the ship.

this then goes exactly as you'd expect. Liliana loses literally everything in a very short period of time and what else could she possibly do other than devote the next year+ of her life to tracking/chasing down Nadia to get revenge and her ship back? It takes a good while, because all she has is word-of-mouth and intuition based on anything she can gather, but it's not impossible because Nadia does not know she's alive, and so doesn't know she's being hunted

It's not... one-sided, but it is definitely unbalanced. Liliana flips a complete 180 on Nadia, which is fair, because she tried to kill her. But Nadia never hated Liliana. She was a means to an end. She grew to sort of... resent her? Because she had all this good- adventure and freedom and the ship itself as her home and a father who is both a larger-than-life legend and exactly the man they say he is and also incredibly kind- and it's all just hers. Naturally. Because she was lucky. She is granted grace and understanding in a way Nadia didn't really think existed. And the only way Nadia knows to get that for herself is to take it. Liliana also represents a sort of freedom from form that Nadia doesn't know what to do with for a long while after it becomes apparent, and so she chooses to instead destroy it.

15: What places hold significant meaning or memories for your oc? Do they have positive or negative association with those places?

Yeah. Reiji follows this cycle- choose a destination, decide it means something, reach it, be disappointed, repeat. It gets worse with time and circumstance as the continuous finding nothing weighs on him, but also as events make him need the Thing He's Looking For more. At first it was: we need a destination. He's a wanderer by circumstance and it is fairly important to actually cover distance instead of just cycling the same familiar area. He was aimless for a time, but that's so much worse than Traveling, so: a destination. Let's reach the ocean. It meant consistency and restart and friendship and continuing. Once they got there, it meant press pause- overwintering in larger communities is necessary for survival. This one brought with it a shaky kind of upset and the feeling that you did something wrong. Something changes.

Then was the mountains. It meant understanding something that he still didn't. It meant deciding, though he didn't know that until they got there, because it wasn't him making the decision. He'd hoped it would mean certainty, but it didn't quite yet. It brought with it the worst it's been in years, but not the worst it'll be.

Then was the caldera. It was a promise he'd made to someone he hoped to see again. It meant finding a link, some sort of connection to something he lost a long time ago. And it meant understanding the history of it. It was empty when he got there, no one waited for him, and it raised more questions than answers.

Then, after the worst, it's the rift. Once again, it promises a link, history, whatever is between the past and the present. It promises belonging. Once again it does not deliver. He finds what he was looking for in a more literal way, but it's crueler, then, that it doesn't give him what he wanted. He still doesn't have all the answers, and he still doesn't belong there. He's back at the beginning of the cycle without another destination. He's left aimless again. Places are promises that consistently are broken.

20: Has your oc ever done something terrible and lied about it? Did they run away or blame someone else? How long did they maintain the lie and did the truth ever come out?

Ach. Reiji has blood on his hands but the nature of it is that he couldn't lie about it even if he would have. Reiji is one of those people that's genuine to a fault; even people who aren't liars usually have something they're hiding, but funnily enough considering, hiding in this way doesn't come naturally to him. And it was his action but it wasn't his fault-is the blood really on your hands if you had no other choice? Has he done something terrible? Yes. Has he lied about it? He couldn't.

OC ASK GAME :]

[qumiiiquinnquin]

what is something you did as a child that you still often do as an adult?

for me, it is playing pretend.

ive always played pretend, since i was little. it was always my favorite game, getting to assume the personality of your favorite character, and make up a story either by yourself, with your sibling(s), or with your friend(s). i always did it, regardless of setting, and regardless if my sibling or friends wanted to play with me.

when i say i played pretend regardless of setting, that is not an exaggeration. i played it just about everywhere - at school during recess and in class, at home, at the store, in restaurants, when travelling, even in some serious situations i would resort to pretending. it always felt so easy to do. it never felt hard to assume a personality and slip into the skin of a character, regardless of my surroundings.

it was not always an outward "im [character], that is why i am behaving and acting differently," oftentimes i would play pretend subtly too. you probably wouldnt have noticed i was pretending at all unless i told you, or you picked up on any slight exaggerations in my tone of voice or actions. at most you probably wouldve just thought i was a bit showy, a bit excited, a bit dramatic, and certainly a little weird.

it was my favorite game, but i think it was a coping mechanism. im not sure at what point it did become a coping mechanism, but at least when i was younger than 10 years old. around certain relatives i would pretend more. those imaginary places in my head felt more safe than the environments i was in, and is also why i would space out more too. a lot of the time, i would resort to pretending without thinking, like it was just an automatic reaction.

those imaginary places and assuming the personality of a character became my reality. i did it so often. sometimes i would keep pretending when i shouldnt have, but when relatives were very angry with me or were physically/verbally abusing me, i couldnt pretend anymore. i never knew what to do but become silent and freeze since reality reality was now staring me dead in the face, and my own reality that always was my safe place was now gone and couldnt be retreated to. reality reality always felt scary, unwelcoming and bleak as a result, and once it felt safe to do so i would go back to pretending after several hours or a day. pretty much an endless cycle for a grand majority of my childhood. i often got accused of never taking those moments seriously or infuriating relatives further when i would become unresponsive, but even now i am unsure what i couldve done.

i still pretend even though i am 19, i kind of have to now just to feel satisfied every day. if i dont, i feel really anxious and antsy, and when that happens, sometimes i jump right into pretending without thinking or hesitation, almost like a automatic trigger of some sort. i have had it happen where i will be stressed and suddenly, without thought, mimic a random character that comes to mind, generally an action of theirs. it takes more effort to stop pretending and focus when that happens. but, most of my pretending is still often something i do a majority of the time without thinking or by choice in the same way as when i was little. though, ive noticed i alter between characters and personalities a lot quicker sometimes, like i panic what identity to choose from. sometimes i assume one right after the other in quick succession or assume multiple at the same time. i didn't do this that much at all when i was little.

needing to pretend all the time is a bit frustrating, for the longest time (even as a young child) i could not easily tell you who i am. i know my name and identity but it doesnt feel like my own, i know what my life has been like and my lived experiences but it feels like a made-up story, i know what i am seeing and doing every day but it feels like none of it processes. in the past few years, i ended up developing a really bad fear of forgetting because i never feel grounded or with reality reality. i try so hard to take in the world around me wherever i am, but i always worry none of it is actually processing or registering in my brain, and i will just quickly forget everything i just saw. i feel stuck in my bubble, which has led to moments like having a lot of moments of nearly getting hit by vehicles because i am not paying attention. i have tried to pay more attention and stay out of my reality, but even when i try i always end up coming back without meaning or trying to.

i feel like ive had to prove to myself that i exist, since i hate being reminded of reality reality and would do things like avoid mirrors or not look at photos of myself. i think this is why i have been drawing myself a lot more lately, to show myself that i really am alive and have an identity, and if i remember what i actually look like.

but at the same time, i want to keep pretending. again, i kind of have to in my day to day anyways. it's like a crutch of some sort. it makes me happy. i enjoy assuming the personalities of my favorite characters, i love to see life through their eyes. there's comfort and joy in pretending, though it's difficult for me to explain. even if it became a simple game to a coping mechanism and a crutch, all those personalities and characters kind of make me whole and who i am.