#and they get worse with stress but speaking makes me stressed in general bc i'm selectively mute but i make myself talk more than feels ok

[sevenstevearmy]

... Guess who learned about cluttering and disorganized speech today... Guess who was struggling with those symptoms this whole time... Guess who has comorbid disorders... Guess who's not happy about learning new things about themself...

[cnihachu]

whats ur opinion on generation loss niki? was curious because she's probably my favorite of nihachus characters,,extremely well written imo

I LOVE HER SOO MUCH OKAY . tbh i rlly rlly wish in general genloss went more into character deveklopment or was just Longer bc they had SUCH good personalities and god i want to know More..

what makes gl!niki for me is her acting- she is chillingly good at eliciting a reaction, and i think thats the goal both in and out of character. honestly i need to rewatch genloss im rusty but the way she saves the majority of her distress for when she's (mostly) off camera speaks to how she knows she needs to be what she precieves as likable, and playing up what she thinks are her 'best' qualities like kindness, and less explicitly, her ability to hide her emotions and please an audience. she needs to be good content for the audience if she has any hope of survival. she thinks no one will want her if she isn't nice and easy to digest. she doesnt percieve worth in herself if she isn't what shes assigned to be, a nice and kind person. even under extreme distress. even when she could die.

i know some people percieve her crying/fear to be fake or ingeniune but i really prefer the take (semi confirmed from cc!Niki) that she's switching it off or repressing her real emotions in a desperate attempt of survival.. it would be really suprising for someone to not be so incredibly scared in that situation. i remember when niki did a stream discussing genloss she said she pulled a lot from the reactions of how people would comment on her crying in stressful events like mcc and that it was directly kind of taken from those experiences of being a public figure (and by extention a woman in these spaces bc lets be real thats why she gets that backlash). i think thats so incredibly powerful to use those experiences to build a character it makes me sick cc!niki ilysm. gl!niki ilysm.

a direct quote from cc!niki about gl!niki: "i am literally locked up on a spinning wheel of death, and of course i will cry, but i will not show it- i will not be able to show it to the audience, i cannot show them that i'm scared. i cannot show them that i'm tired and- and sad, and fearing for my life, because that is what is expected of me. because the outcome that happens if i show how i feel is worse than the fate of death that i am fearing right now."

so in a way (to my small rabbit brain) gl!niki is an incredibly chilling take on the way fandom and the public treat women in content creation space as machines who can only express emotions that are pretty or convient for the audience.. like. even in an incredibly terrifying situation gl!niki steels herself to be more 'calm' and plays into what people percieve as the Single facet of her personaliy, being Nice.. Like, 'look at me! i'm completely rational, not overly emotional! i'm so useful and likable! i'm good content!" and ITS INSANE!!!!!!! ITS INSANE!!! HOW DO U COPE WITH THIS. I FEEL ILL. i nihachu defender lover brain so like . this is all just my own rambling idek . i love her to pieces </3

[tsunflowers]

"children of memory" is easily the best book in its trilogy for me. so on the one hand I'm like, why did it take mr adrian tchaikovsky so long to write a book I liked this much, and on the other hand it's good that it didn't peak with book one and then get worse. it happens on a human timescale, it focuses more on the interior life of the characters, and the immortal ai dr avrana kern is cast as a fairytale witch who's mean to a teenage girl. for some people the ending will feel cheap or like a cop-out but I honestly enjoyed it bc it did answer all the questions raised during the novel

in this book the genius terraforming strategies of the people of ancient earth don't work right and later-arriving colonists are forced to try to eke out a subsistence farming lifestyle on a planet that barely even has soil. after several generations the colony is falling apart and there are mysterious gaps in people's memories as well... into this situation come the menagerie of species from the first two books, trying their best to find a way to help the colonists without scaring them off by revealing that they are giant spiders from space and such. the pov character who is most passionate about making first contact is a fraction of the colony of living goo from the previous book living in the body of a human woman. superficially she's the most human but mentally she's the only one who evolved intelligence without human intervention. so there's a lot of questions about "what does it mean to be a person? what does it mean to be sentient?"

the new uplifted animal species in this one is corvids, who have evolved to work in pairs where one records and the other analyzes. somehow I find this very silly bc they are evolved from earth crows. if you told me there was an alien species that evolved this way I would be like of course but for crows to grow so that two individuals can only function as a pair breaks my suspension of disbelief more than anything else in the novel. however I liked the corvids bc they add to witch kern by acting as her familiars and their take on the question of sentience is "oh no we're not sentient, that would be so stressful. we're just electrical impulses in meat like everyone else here"

speaking to the trilogy as a whole, I think mr tchaikovsky has a lot of fun ideas about how intelligence might develop in different species and how their cultures would look, but I don't find his books compelling as novels until the third one which has the least amount of speculative evolution

[girlvinland]

This is a little bit of a personal post, but something I kinda wanted to share because I'm happy about how it's been going. I'm putting under a read more just bc of a potential tw though. I didn't mean for it to get long, but it was hard to figure out how to make it short lol.

So like, over the past couple of years with the pandemic going on, I was one of those people who started drinking more to cope with anxiety and isolation. It was never to the point of full-blown issue that needed treatment or anything, but I can definitely recognize that it was problematic. I didn't really drink during the week, but there would be weekends where I would absolutely go overboard with it. I don't think that's too unusual, given how normalized drinking alcohol is. But I was starting to see that I'd say or do really foolish or hurtful things when I was under the influence, and really all it was doing was making my anxiety and desire to isolate even worse. And tbh, since I have been recovered from an ED for over ten years now, I feel like it's somewhat easy for me to look at a behavior and be like, hm. That's not good. Maybe I need to stop that and find a better way to approach what's bothering me.

Admittedly, last year was a difficult one due to a lot of personal stress. In December though, I finally decided I really wanted to stop drinking (or at least take a break and see how long I could go without it). I got one of those counter apps because I wanted to keep track of it, and I read a lot about how alcohol actually messes with brain chemistry (it helps me a lot when I can understand things more from a medical or scientific perspective, especially when so much "stop drinking" stuff is more spiritual or religious in nature, which are things that I am not). Right now it has been eight weeks since I've had anything, and I feel a lot better wrt my anxiety and everything. Still bad days now and again because of general life stuff, but not like it was, and it's more manageable. It's just crazy that like...even just drinking that one day a week would make me feel so bad sometimes.

I feel kind of weird/scared sharing this, but I also feel like sharing it is a good thing, because I don't think people talk about it enough. When we think of anyone who has a problematic relationship with alcohol it's usually elderly men with PTSD or wine moms in denial or maybe frat boys at university. I don't often see people like myself (I think I've spoken to like, one other person who had a similar experience and I only approached them because they were open about it on their own blog, otherwise I would have never known I wasn't alone). When I have seen other people who are like 20s or 30s quitting drinking or taking breaks from it, it usually ties back to some kind of religious reason or being "straight edge" or making it an identity. I don't care about any of that for myself, and I don't want to shame anyone who might have the same problem or approaches it from a different way. But I do think it's important to speak up when you are struggling with something and find out what helps you. And I think it's bad that the entire thing is so shamed because we know the rates at which people have been drinking over the pandemic have risen greatly and we know how normalized it already is anyway. It really shouldn't be shameful to talk about these things in the open, because then more people are likely to open up and help one another.

Anyway. I just wanted to write about it in case anyone else related, and because actually stopping has been really nice.

[basilibino]

The new anti recovery rhetoric is that "people who make posts about dealing with depression/anxiety are talking about the emotion, not the disorder" and I'm here to say as someone with both disorders that that position is just not true.

Rag on getting your body moving and not holing up in ur room with instant meals all you want, no one can make you do anything for ur mental health that u aren't ready and willing to do, but it's frankly nonsensical to act like managing a depressed or anxious mood wouldnt translate to changing the affects of a mood disorder.

Yeah, I will always be anxious and depressed, but you know what worsens those spirals consistently? Isolation. Holing myself up in my room and not going anywhere. Not reaching out to ppl. Not eating food anywhere but my car or my bedroom.

Flipside--you know what, while never getting rid of my anxiety and depression, helps me function daily and maintain relationships? Getting out of my house. Going to the gym and not talking to a damn soul but moving my body. Talking with my friends and acquaintances even if I'm scared they don't want to, even when that will usually cause an immediate spike in anxiety, bc 99.9% of the time that's my own brain assuming the worst.

And guess what—I still have bad days! I still have days where I bedrot. My executive dysfunction has actually never been worse than rn. Sometimes my social anxiety is so severe that trying to socialize to counteract will only make it worse.

I live with these mood disorders every day, on top of general emotional dysregulation; exercise and eating habits will not make them go away, it's true. But it helps manage the symptoms. Which is what ppl are talking about when they make posts abt helping depression and anxiety. And that's why tweet threads like this

Are just the same "we can't all be neurotypical, Karen" posts as 2014.

Replier isn't ready to consistently move themselves out of bed yet, and that's ok!! It's a hallmark of being depressed for a reason!

But

they themselves acknowledge that when they can get out and move, it does help!

And maybe it's just the "spent 2 years in a group DBT setting for suicidal teens" in me speaking but I think they're also unintentionally identifying the biggest thing that hinders recovery—shame for our bad days; shame for relapses—shame. Sometimes you'll wake up and getting out of bed feels insurmountable. You wanted to get out and hit the sidewalk this morning before it got too hot, or before the rain came in and brought in a week long cold front, and you can't go to the gym bc you can't afford a membership bc you don't have a job, but this morning everything feels so heavy that you just can't bring yourself to do it. Maybe later in the afternoon you feel like you can get up and out, but now you feel like you've ruined the day for yourself bc you can't get that walk in. So you stay in bed. And then maybe the next day you get up and it's better. You're feeling a bit more energetic than the day before, even without the possibility of a walk! ...until you remember that party this afternoon that you weren't too big on going to, but your best friends set it up for a small group of you all to hang out. You still want to see your friends, but you'd offered to make brownies; which wouldn't be too bad, just mix the egg and water to the box powder and shove it in the oven for a bit, except for one thing—you don't have enough time to get presentable *and* make brownies this morning if you want to be on time. heaven knows you can't be late, they'll all be so annoyed, and you definitely can't show up brownie-less. Then you remember that you did have plans for yesterday beyond the walk—you were going to make the brownies the night before so they'd be ready for this! You can't believe you sabotaged yourself this bad yesterday.

Overwhelmed with the stress of not only showering, cleaning your teeth, and finding the cleanest clothes you have, but also with the dilemma of brownies to be made, without even getting into the drive over to your friends' house, and the realization that maybe you wouldn't have been so overwhelmed if you had just gotten out of bed yesterday when you had the energy; the sudden sureness that you are self sabotaging without even realizing it until its too late....

You finally reach out to your friends.

With an apology that you won't be able to make it today after all. You sit on the couch and hate yourself.

That extremely detailed ramble drawing from various instances in my own life? The hypothetical you is being held back, yes by their depressive tendencies, but also by the way their shame feeds right back into it. So ashamed of missing their walk window, that they stay in bed. So ashamed of staying in bed even when they could have mustered the energy to go to the kitchen and remember to bake brownies, that they can't even think about being late or going without brownies, so they stay home. So busy hating themself that they don't recognize that despite it all, they made it out of their room today.

Part of what makes anxiety and depression such hard disorders to manage is that they are your outlook on the world, and when you're drowning in them it feels impossible to stop and ask yourself "why would my friends care more about brownies than getting me out of the house for the first time in a month" (which can feel self-invalidating to ask, or too harsh for social anxiety feels, i fully acknowledge that) or, "why do brownies matter more than seeing my friends"

And we get so used to sitting in our shame, that managing the shame becomes its own step in symptom management that personally I never heard addressed outside of DBT group. But to make lifestyle changes, you need to be consistent. And building consistency is hard, and will never be 100% perfect. But if you want to build consistency, then you have to be in a place where bad days and stumbles and bedrot days can happen, be accepted, and then start the next day determined to try. And that's hard when you're expecting to make a sudden about face into a new lifestyle and then feel better. You'll set goals too high, you'll miss them, you'll restart the shame spiral.

And I get that. I feel like part of "recovery" from mood disorders includes, unfortunately, hitting that rock bottom. Bc you can't start climbing out until you are certain it's the best choice you can make for yourself.

But it still annoys me that ppl are now also going after the "unfortunately that advice is true" ppl, bc now they're not just dismissing the advice, they're invalidating the ppl who are very clearly telegraphic that they are in this chronic struggle with you. Would someone who only experiences occasional episodes of mild depression or anxiety open with the vibes of "unfortunately, that advice we all had crammed down our throats until we were sick of it actually does help"? Or would that be coming from someone who has had to experience the ego death of making a gradual lifestyle change and noticing improvement in their symptoms.

[reblogging4thewin]

Personal stuff; mostly just writing for catharsis

receives text from my mom asking if I have plans for the weekend

mood: 8 ----> 6

stress: 2.5 ----> 5

the debuff is temporary; it just brings down the mood because maintaining boundaries (and just other things I don't feel like getting into) is emotional labor, and because I really don't like explaining anything to them.

Not that there's anything to explain in this instance. "Yes; I have a lot to do over here; sorry." is how that generally goes. But this week, like, there was a lot of stuff that led to the (workplace) suggestion that I swap out a weekday this week and work Saturday instead.

So although I don't have to explain all that backstory that led to that being a good idea here, or even say what I'm doing at all, the prospect/the idea that I may be facing an interaction where I'd be explaining something to her immediately knocked my mood down and my stress up.

I came up with a one-sentence reply that satisfies the urge of communicating that 'I have a specific obligation that I don't normally have, so don't try to guilt trip me into changing my plans for you.' And there was no issue. So that was good. But the mood hit is a gut reaction before anything at all happens conversation-wise. It's like a fight or flight response to the "do you have any plans" text.

Like, even the thought of having to do that, even worse with my dad (in that case having any conversation with him at all does this), typically just zaps my energy and makes it a struggle to say anything because I'm holding back and speaking (or typing) around the powerful urge to be really short about it because I very much just want the conversation to be over and would rather not have to have it again.

The holidays were a setback that took a little while to bounce back from. Coming back from the holidays was like having been stuffed in a box and having to unfurl and uncramp all my limbs - having to fluff my feathers back out. Like I feel it a little right now just from this text situation. The physical stress in my chest. It's hard to believe that every day of my life used to feel like that. Never having peace.

Thank God I have a place to live. That was one thing that struck a cord one morning - I don't remember if it was Boxing Day or New Year's Day, but we were at the breakfast table, and already things were going south that morning. I had the familiar feeling that I wanted to go home.

Except

Except, unlike all the other times I've felt that feeling throughout my life, it's no longer a meaningless un-attainable phrase cycling in my mind. It was actually an actionable thing. Because I no longer live there - I do have a home to go to.

Making myself cry here, but actually I feel a lot better. Coming down from the feelings after interacting with them is always a trip.

Anyway, I have to clear out some leftover stuff from their house at some point, but I definitely need a couple of more weeks away before I can go back there. And I have no intention of ever staying more than one night at a time until Christmas if I even stay more than one night then. (I was thinking this past new years will also be the last one I spend there. I had already planned my own new traditions for this year, but decided to go there and do our usual traditions. Next new year I may have my bonfire. We'll see.)

That's the only healthy way to do this. One single day usually goes perfectly fine. (The holidays going south on day 1 were an exception to that general rule.)

I know this won't be sustainable forever. That's a mixed bag of course but mostly a good thing. I'm just not at a point in my life overall where I'm ready for that yet. There's some tangly little bits to unwind first.

Also once my bf moves in, it will be a lot easier bc I'll have a little serotonin tap on hand, for one; two - it's easy to reply to assumptions that if I don't have specific plans my time is for them and not for me - by saying that if they'll have us both over (and let us sleep in my old bed) then great but if not I'm not going. that'll be a conversation-ender.

[jyndor]

hi! I saw you're an esthetician and I have a question. Would you be able to help? My skin, particularly on my jaw, is bumpy with really painful cystic acne. They're not numerous but big (about slightly bigger than a pea) and I don't know how to get them to go away. I can't sleep bc it hurts to lay my head on a pillow and they're painful and bleed. I'm changing my diet so it's cleaner and I'm drinking more water, but I don't know what else to do.

Hi anon honey, I feel your pain - cystic acne is horrible and hormonal acne - which is usually what we experience when we have cysts on our jawline - is something I have personal experience with. First let me say that as an esthetician who hasn't worked on your skin personally, I can only give general advice.

And also, because I know how emotionally painful acne can be, your acne does not make your skin dirty or ugly or bad.

If you are able, try to make an appointment with your primary care provider or a dermatologist. I recognize this may be difficult or even inaccessible, but acne is a medical condition and cystic acne stems from deep in the skin, deeper than an esthetician is licensed to work.

If your quality of life is diminished by your acne, you need to seek medical care. It is possible that eating healthier might help clear your skin, but many things can contribute to acne and diet is not the only factor. Genetics, environment, stress, hormones, etc - these are some potential things that can worsen acne.

A doctor may prescribe you an antibiotic like doxycycline - because acne is a bacterial infection - or a topical like clindamycin, tretinoin or adapalene. Spironolactone is another effective treatment for hormonal acne. If none of these or other similar treatments work, they may recommend Accutane.

As a wax specialist and esthetician who specializes in ingrown hair care/acne care, I have to say that if you get waxed, you may need to stop taking your medication before a wax (depending on the drug it could be a week or two, or with Accutane we are talking SIX MONTHS). They also can inject the cysts with corticosteroids.

Please understand that our skin cells take weeks to fully regenerate so in order to see results, you need to be consistent with your regimen and patient with your skin while it heals.

In addition to seeking medical treatment, here are some suggestions I have for dealing with the symptoms of cystic acne:

1. Cystic acne is inflamed and deep. No amount of picking, ~extracting or touching you do to it will bring it to a head and release the nasty from your pore. I know it's hard to resist picking, but you will not be able to pop your cystic acne. You will likely make things a million times worse by pushing the bacteria deeper into the follicle and spreading the infection around. Don't touch it.

2. The inflammation is something you might be able to treat at home. Use a warm compress or a cold compress, these both work for different reasons to reduce inflammation and pain, but make sure you don't just apply ice straight to your skin - wrap it in a towel to protect your skin. Try to keep them on for 10-15 minutes at a time.

3. You may consider using a salicylic acid topical pad or 2% gel to help slough sebum build up in the pores, but definitely speak to a doctor because if they prescribe something for you to use, you don't want to do too much exfoliation. Adapalene gel or Differin is actually OTC in the US so you could also try that, but again, definitely talk to your provider. And any acne treatment will require you to wear sunscreen.

4. There is some clinical evidence to suggest Blue LED Light therapy is effective for treating acne because it is very good at killing bacteria. I am certified with a brand called LightStim, for full disclosure. I wouldn't recommend buying some product randomly at a store - LED therapy requires near daily use to be effective and you want the device to be well made but you'd do best buying a professional device through a provider or esthetician - LightStim is one line that is great, another is Celluma. But honestly these are expensive (my wands cost me like $140~ I think off the top of my head, and I got the professional pricing). You don't need these, but I would be remiss if I didn't mention LED therapy.

5. Take an anti-inflammatory medication. Sometimes we need to take ibuprofen to get through things.

6. Drink lots of water because it is healthy, but there is no evidence to suggest that drinking more water keeps acne at bay. Hydrated skin is healthier skin because if you're dehydrated your skin's moisture barrier doesn't function as well as it should, and that barrier prevents bacteria from invading our pores, but I see people say this a lot and it's really not related to acne directly. But do stay hydrated.

7. Change your pillow cases OFTEN. I sometimes notice I break out on one side of my face if I don't change them as frequently as I should.

8. Don't strip your skin of its natural healthy oils. Use a gentle cleanser (cerave hydrating cleanser is great) and avoid harsh bullshit like grapefruit cleansers or whatever else brands try to sell as acne skincare. Our skin needs oil just like it needs water, and stripping oil from our skin makes it produce more sebum out of desperation lol. Use a light moisturizer - again, cerave is really innocuous and affordable - and wear sunscreen. Wash off your makeup and sunscreen at night.

Good luck anon and let me know if you have any other questions!

[spurgie-cousin]

@anon asking about politics when dating, I’ve made the mistake of not really bringing it up/brushing off small comments as nothing only to find out 5 dates and almost 2 months in after I’d traveled 2 hours to see him that he wasn’t a feminist and didn’t see the point in feminism then proceeded to dump me (would have saved so much stress and hurt if I knew beforehand)

I actually have a friend who brings up human rights stuff (general ideology, lgbtq+, social justice) straight away! She straight up asks and has a conversation about it and if they have a problem with it then it’s a red flag bc anyone who is passionate about human rights doesn’t have a problem talking about it! Next time I date I’m taking this approach I don’t wanna waste time on people who don’t value equality etc!!

Yea I mean I think if you're dating seriously, like looking for a life partner kinda thing, it's good to get all of the stuff that could be a deal-breaker out of the way sooner rather than later. Nothing worse than getting a few months in and finding out this person you really like is a flat-earther or something.

I will say though (and I probably should've added this to my last answer) I've been on dates where people start off firing morals and values questions at you in rapid succession and I think my best advice in that area is just......be chill about it lol. It's stressful to be on first or second dates in the first place so getting grilled to shit can make things really uncomfortable. Read the room, so to speak. I agree that people who care about human rights issues will probably be ok with discussing it but a rapid-fire morality interview on a first date can feel really harsh and judgmental.

Also a thing a lot of sjw people do sometimes is make every micro-subpoint or detail a deal-breaker. Like I'm as liberal as they come but talking to people who over-scrutinize every detail of every opinion is fucking exhausting. So I guess what I'm saying here is keep the Big Picture in mind and don't get lost in the details, it will help things go way smoother imo.

[blueluneacy]

Heyy🥰 It's me again, can I request another fic with Mista where he tries to confess to us but it gets really difficult because there's always someone that interrupts him? Plus the reader is really shy, generous and oblivious uwu. When he finally succeeds can you make a nfsw at the end 👀. If I'm asking too much, it's okay if you don't want to add the nfsw part, I don't want you to stress over this 🥺. Love you! 🥰💕

Alright! I ended up not adding the not sfw solely bc it was getting long and ive been getting a bit of writers block lately. Might slow down the queue soon!

Warnings: None

It had been two weeks now since Mista first tried to get you alone for a talk. The idea absolutely freaked you out, leaving you to think that you had done something wrong on a mission, or worse, that you were getting fired. Could you get fired from the mafia? You didn’t know, and let’s be honest, you weren’t exactly keen on finding out. You felt comfort in sitting with the group, seeing everyone around the table as the lot of you hung out. But… Today, well, it seemed like you were the first one there. You sighed and sat down, tapping your foot a bit as you pulled out your book. Well, everyone else would show up eventually. You barely noticed everyone coming and going until you felt hands on your shoulders. You squeaked, immediately looking up.

“Hey, (Y/n), perfect timing! I’m glad you’re here early!” Mista was grinning down at you, leaving you to gasp. You looked away, pulling back a bit as Mista sat down next to you. 

“So, I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for a little bit here. I was wondering if maybe, sometime next week, we could-” 

“Oi, Mista, (Y/n)! What’s goin’ on, the two of you are sitting at the table like lovers!” You heard Narancia calling over to the two of you, leaving you to sigh a bit in relief. You didn’t notice how Mista pursed his lip.

“Lovers? I don’t really think…” You mumbled, looking at the ground. Mista just rolled his eyes at Narancia, ignoring him as he sat down at the table and pulled his headphones on.

“Well, as I was saying, (Y/n), I was hoping that we could-” 

“Hey, Narancia, get those off. We have worksheets to go through today, you can’t just sit here and laze around.” Fugo called as he walked in, leaving you to look over to him. Narancia pouted as he pulled his headphones off.

“Aw, come on! We did worksheets yesterday! Come on, (Y/n), back me up here!” Narancia complained.

“W-Well, I, um-” “You can’t hide in (Y/n)’s skirt this time. Come on, no cake until you finish all of this.” Fugo cut you off, leaving you just to pull at a bit of your hair as he pulled up a seat next to Narancia. Mista audibly sighed.

“Well… If that’s the last of the interruptions, there’s someone I really want to talk to you about, (Y/n). I was wondering if maybe this weekend, we could-” 

“Aren’t we all lively today? And I thought I would be the first one here.” Bucciarati called out as he entered the room, Abbacchio in tow. However, that seemed to be the breaking point for Mista, leaving him to slam his fist on the table.

“God, you guys made me mess this up three times now! I can’t try and ask (Y/n) out a fourth time, that’s bad luck! Just shut up for a second!” He yelled, leaving everyone to… Pause. You felt your face heat up as you stared at the floor. Ask you out? That… That’s what Mista wanted to try and talk to you about? The room fell silent as everyone looked at each other, then you. Abbacchio actually ended up speaking up first. His tone was enough to strike fear into you, and you weren’t even the one getting chewed out.

“Mista. That’s no way to talk to your Capo. You will apologize immediately-” 

“No, Abbacchio. It’s alright.” Bucciarati piped up, sitting down on the other side of you. “I’m sorry for interrupting you. It wasn’t my intention.” 

“Well, it’s too late now. Now I looked like an idiot thanks to Abbacchio. I swear, it’s bad luck if I ask again, so I’m going to have to wait until tomorrow to do it-” Mista leaned back, starting to talk on about the number four, but you just piped up, your voice quivering.

“T… This weekend is f-fine!” You finally got out, your face beet red. The group all stared at you, before they… Burst out laughing. You covered your face with your hands, completely decimated. This was a nightmare. But Mista just chuckled with everyone else, throwing a hand over your shoulder.

“Now that’s what I like to hear, cara!"

[normal-thoughts-official]

Also I just want to say thanks for existing ❤️❤️ I love ur blogs and ur takes theyre amazing, I never was properly involved with 5he shadowhunters fandom when it was running bc A. I saw a clalec shipper and ran for the hills(What was that horrific thing) and B. The show is objectively terrible, I really love the fact that you say everything you want to say taking no prisoners!!! Sparing no fragile feelings!!! And I wanna say that I'm so sorry that you have to deal with so many insensitive asshole anons giving you shit

I'm gonna be honest that while I love them both equally, alec was the one I resonated with the most as a lesbian (magnus was the one I fancied ahahah) but I hadn't realised properly how centred Alec was in fandom spaces. Its almost like the ranking of favourite characters goes 1. Alec 2.malec and 3. Magnus, in how Magnus' emotions and boundaries are secondary to the maintaining of alecs relationship with him

I'd seen wisps of something similar in the marvel fandom but hadn't carried over how fans can ununtentially use characters of colour as mere rungs on the ladder to their success, even and especially within the relationship. I don't see this much with sambucky but back when SamSteve was popular Sam was often reduced to Steve's pet therapist who has no aspirations in life other than being Steve's boyfriend.

This is fan behaviour but just wanna say don't let the bastards get u down honey!! ❤️❤️❤️

P. S do clalec shippers still exist??? Please say no

dauihdsiauhd thank u, ur sweet

ur totally right about magnus being below malec on the favorite characters scale, wow. like it's obvious that he doesn't exist outside of malec for these people and so malec becomes this sort of third character and magnus as a person is way wayy down below

but also since u mentioned that u like how i speak my mind xD ur comment about how u relate more to alec because he's gay bothers me a little bit cuz i feel like it implies that being bi is somehow less queer or less relatable and that's... biphobic rethoric djahisudhah like idk maybe u mean that u relate more to his story or whatever but i kind of read it like "i have more solidarity with gay men than bi ppl" and as a bi person that doesn't sit well with me so yeah i'd maybe think about why that might be if that's how u genuinely feel

(PS: if you - and by you i don't mean you, residenthottiesamwilson, just anyone reading this - think that biphobia isn't real just go ahead and unfollow me, cuz if u try to come to my inbox and start shit over it i will block u so just save us both the trouble tbh. we live in a world where every single study around the whole wide world consistently shows that bi ppl face enough discrimination to lower their life expectancy, rise their likelihood to be sexually assaulted, be poorer, and just generally have a way worse quality of life than both straight and gay ppl, so arguing that biphobia doesn't exist is just trying to make ur wishes come true at this point. and i'm seriously not in the mood today or ever to try to prove that 2+2=4)

anyway... to be clear i'm not mad at you and/or calling u a monster, just pointing that out cuz it would bother me if i didn't, and trying to avoid turning this into a biphobia fest in my inbox

moving on! doaijdsoiaj

i can't talk about sambucky and samsteve cuz i haven't actually been involved with the marvel fandom for years now, so i haven't read a lot of fic, and even now the very few tfatws blogs that i follow are all sam-centric cuz im trying to avoid stressing myself with Even More Fandom Buffonery lol, but my educated guess would be that every fandom with an interracial ship is going to have racist tropes, especially because Bucky Stans™ as a group are some of the most racist fandoms ive ever seen. it's actually one of the things that turned me off the MCU fandom, because bucky actually was and is one of my faves, but boiiiiiiiiii

i think most clalec shippers left the fandom long ago (they were never a big group anyway, but you know, at this point they haven't had reason to be active anymore, since most of their thing was to harrass malec shippers and yell about how clalec would prevail, and that fight is already over and done with lol)

[smonk-wonk]

What red flags should people watch out for? Did you do those things too?

I mentioned most of the ones I dealt with in my last reply

But interpersonal relationships shouldn't drain you firstly. That's one of the biggest tells that something is very wrong. They shouldn't make you anxious, you shouldn't be afraid you'll say the wrong thing or they'll take you disagreeing or speaking your mind as a challenge

Another one is if they use fear as a way to control you. Sometimes it's obvious when they're doing it. "I'll hurt myself" "I'll leave you" "I'll deny you something" (ex: affection, activities together). Making the clear message or even outright saying "you're making me do this"

And sometimes it's less obvious. They'll relapse with substances or sh or say they've been thinking about hurting themselves. Maybe not directly saying you're responsible, but making you feel responsible. Say you have a disagreement or they've hurt you and you tell them they did something wrong. Then they confess that night that after such a stressful day they've relapsed without specifying that it had anything to do with you because they know they don't need to say it. Might even be under the influence (or pretend to be) while talking to you to emphasize their point. And you don't want to feel responsible for that pain

Being volatile in general or making something a thing that definitely doesn't have to be a thing because they want to fight. If they repeatedly pick fights with you it's not worth it

Something I noticed in hindsight in many relationships (when I say this I mean friendships too) is also that they'll experiment with what they can get away with saying/doing. They're not oblivious to the fact they're making you uncomfortable. They'll push boundaries or even just be edgy and say things they know might upset you like edgy jokes or slurs or say/expose you things that could trigger you and shut you down if you say anything

Invasion of privacy- they should not be searching your phone or computer or journals or what have you but instead address with you reasons they distrust you enough to want to do that

Also one thing some dipshits have done to me was cut me off to test if I "cared enough" to pursue them and beg them to come back. People might do that for a few reasons, maybe reinforcing that you depend on them. Maybe for attention and to fuck with your head so that out of fear you'll bend to their will so you don't lose them because them abandoning you was scary. Don't play into their fucking games and never beg for respect

Also enabling you if you do some stupid shit, that's bad lol

those are only some off the top of my head thinking back on like, personal experiences. A lot of shit is a blur I know there's worse that I can't remember

As far as whether I'm guilty of those behaviors, I'd say to an extent but definitely not severely the way I'm describing it. I let people enable me and I enabled them. An ex friend (who is now blocked bc she told me to kms lol) said kys to someone suicidal that I didn't like because she vilified them when looking back they were just struggling and honestly looking for community and acceptance and acting out because people like that "friend" and myself and honestly hundreds of people on that platform were dicks who felt very self righteous putting people in their place. And yeah she'd do and say some awful shit but she didn't deserve how people treated her. And people told me that ex friend was toxic and I didn't listen, they just didn't understand her like I did. Maybe she was mean but she was mean to people who were more harmful right? And the funny thing is the person she attacked made efforts to change but as far as I can tell that ex friend isn't any better than back then. Considering she told me to kms and all

And I'd never have gone so far as to tell someone something like that myself but yeah my head was fucked with a lot so I hurt people and didn't realize how heavily I influenced people by my actions and the example I was setting. Like I perceived that girl as an actual threat because of how my ex friend framed the situation and exaggerated the damage being done to her. People were dicks to her before I was but still, yknow? She wasn't the only one I treated like shit but yeah I was way too hard headed and thought somehow it was the right thing to do but like i've said many times I was literally just an asshole lol

But being able to say that I think is a show of personal growth. Like I didn't deserve to be slandered and have a callout that was completely made up because of it and have most of my interpersonal relationships destroyed in a very premeditated way but I had toxic traits, yeah

[faveanimeships]

hi!! i saw your thing about sending you ship requests, so here's mine! i'm 5' 4", korean, and i have shoulder-length dark hair. i wear circle glasses, and i have a terrible prescription. i love to read, listen to classical music, and i'm a foodie! i eat when i'm sad. i'm blunt and direct, along with rather reserved, and i have a hard time letting people get close to me. but, once i do, i love and care for them to no end!!!! i like to dress comfortably (ex. leggings and sweatshirt).

i’m so sorry i just read your rules for your ships and i sent in the description about the korean girl w circle glasses please forgive me … this is for haikyuu, i am infp-t, ravenclaw, and i am bisexual (i use she/her pronouns). i’m so sorry for not reading the rules before!!

Henlo okay so im sorry this was super late I have no excuse to give bcs I procrastinate so much anyways youre super cute yeet plz don’t apologise hahahahha I totes relate sad eat, angry eat, happy eat, depressed eat and stress eat yeet omG CLASSICAL MUSIC WATAFAK I IIIIIII REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE CHOPIN MY FAVE IS HIS NOCTURNE OP.9 NO.2 OR FANTAISIE IMPROMPTU (I know like theyre so different idk im super bipolar aahahah) WHOS YOUR FAVE !!!! l also like Mozart and some Vivaldi hahahaha dw I also wear prescription and its getting worse everyday yeet I should stop looking at screens

Ps we are super similar like im an INFJ

Anyways lets get to your ships

I SHIP YOU WITH Tooru Oikawa !!

You are reserved, shy, blunt, comfortable, open minded and prefer to trust your gut feeling; you’re also thirsty for knowledge and love to learn. Your ability to have an open mind will only lead you to pursue new interests and new genres. When you’re looking for a partner you would probably look for someone accepting or equally open-minded, and probably someone empathetic. I’m not sure bur your reserved personality may bring you lots of outgoing friends, and maybe when you’re looking for a partner, you’d be the listener in the relationship. You’d be great at giving empathetic advices, especially emotional ones since you know, you’d get a feeling of what and what not to say, which IMO is amazing. Looking at your description, you’d be the calm person in the relationship due to your reserved and caring nature, and so you’d probably prefer a louder partner?

Oikawa is flirty, childish, smug, intelligent, slightly ambitious and cunning. But at the same time, he doesn’t have much self-confidence and is quick to defend himself if he thinks he will get hurt. He’s also a very careless person, as Iwa-chan mentioned, he’d push himself to practice because of he felt as if he was inferior to tobio or ushiwaka. THEREFORE I ship you with him, both of you can form a very strong bond. Oikawa hates relying on people but if you successfully assure him that he can always come to you when he’s feeling under the weather, he would try to rely on you and thus, a supportive relationship is born!!!! I feel like due to your calm and empathetic nature, you can soothe poor Tooru, give him great advice when he’s pushing himself too hard/ feeling inferior. You’d be his ‘rock’ and stabilise him. You’d pull him out if he’s stressed out or overthinking, or even stop him from making childish or rash decisions that he will come to regret later. Of course, Oikawa is still stubborn to a degree, hence you will improve your reasoning skills, and he will eventually come to understand that it’s because you love and care for him and that’s why you’re stopping him from making regretful decisions. (To add on to this: you’re blunt but and you won’t sugar coat words, but Tooru needs to listen to the truth behind his actions, so your blunt and direct way of speaking would be very beneficial to him) You’re caring so you’d try to understand him and then help him out. You’d be am amazing listener.

ALSO Oikawa loves to talk about his day, and you’d probably love to listen to him talk, he loves cuddling and stroking your hair, he’s a big fan of PDA and he would always try to make time for you but volleyball, sadly is his priority. It would be great if you supported him wholeheartedly and encouraged him. Obviously, Oikawa loves to spoil and care for you!! He’s very observant and he knows how to utilise everyone’s skillset and talents, and obviously, he would keep a close eye on you and would probably suggest that you try new things/ comment on how he thinks you’re particularly good at something.  He would also recommend that you try new things if he thinks you are suitable for it, for example, he may think you have great flexibility and will suggest you take up a sport that will improve your flexibility and also potentially become something you enjoy. He’s also great at encouraging you and will definitely eat with you when you’re sad, he would probably bring you to his favourite ramen place and say that he’s buying you food instead, hoping to see you smile uwu

Anyways Oikawa is also really smart (class 6!!!!!), both of you can study together and become the unbeatable smart couple (yeet), revision sessions include weird puns yall make up from the revision material, helping each other out with tricky questions or solving tricky questions together. Tooru is a fun partner and he would be amazing to be around. When you’re stressed out he’d suggest yall take a break and give you an amazing massage.

Things he likes:

1.     Cuddling

2.     You TALKING!!!

3.     PDA PDA

4.     Cute pecks

5.     You coming to his games and cheering him on

6.     Mutual trust

7.     Meeting each other despite your hectic schedules (even for 5 minutes)

8.     Meeting at least once a week

9.     Spending time with you

10.  Eating milk bread with you

(A/N: IDK WHY BUT I FEEL LIKE you and iwachan are probs siblings with very similar personalities yeet ???)

I also ship you with (under the cut)!!!

Issei Matsukawa

Matssun looks intimidating but he’s really just an idiot + funny person!! He would be a big tease, will initiate PDA but will get really bashful when you try to do it. Matssun is funny and will always pull pranks on you with Makki, and you could turn into a prankster yourself (heh) Although Matssun isn’t big fan of reading or classical music and it shows, maybe it’s good to date your polar opposite (he’d be a Gryffindor) he’s not loud but he can be if he wants. Occasionally you may find him being loud around you (he likes attention from his S/O) but you will grow to love that side of him! Matssun usually shows that he cares by joking around (he just wants you to smile) but he’s quite the observant one so he wouldn’t go too far with his jokes. He’s very clear about boundaries. Matssun is generally a very good natured and fun person to be around, he’s great at supporting people, he knows how to pull your confidence levels up, and will give amazing advice. He’s also amazing at encouragement (although he shows it in his own unique way). Plus, he’s also very good at dealing with blunt comments so he won’t be offended easily, would probably know how to talk back when you offer him a blunt statement. He’s also very keen on eating, he loves to eat, so he’s always down for some good food! At some point, he will probably attempt to cook for you, but yea I’ll leave that up to your imagination.

ALSO Matssun also appreciates the fact that you love to dress comfortably, so he wouldn’t need to worry about you not dressing warm and catching a cold during winter, he can be a worrywart at times, so he loves it when you dress comfortably ++ he loves your style!!!!! ALSO you’re quiet and reserved, Matssun is chill and laid back, so I would say it’s a pretty calm and laid back relationship!

Matssun would absolutely love it if you would attend his volleyball matches and support him, Oikawa has too many fangirls, he would love it if you waved at him = he would be super energised hahahaha

Yukie Shirofuku

Yukie is an amazing person tbh she’s super underrated, this queen can eat 4 onigiris at the same time yeet anyways, Yukie is a polite, mature and laid back person, she’s also great at studying and probably likes books?? Both of you can geek out together and discuss about different books ++ she also likes napping but like imagine this you reading while she naps next to you TUT so cute besides She would probably be interested in classical music if you introduced it to her, if you told her about your favourite pieces, she would add it to her usual playlist if it fits her mood  uwu also she would also be down for concerts, and would defs love it if you asked her to go with you!!! ALSO YUKIE IS A BIG PHAT FOODIE. You would go on dates to different restaurants/ cafes to eat, pig out together and watch a movie, café hopping dates, its just too cute!!! She would also make cute lunch boxes for you when you’re sad because she loves you and wants you to be happy!!

Yukie is also a very supportive person (I mean she has to deal with bokuto’s emo mood)  and would provide amazing encouragement!! I think she’d be okay with your bluntness, she’s not a sensitive person and knows how to react when you’re blunt with her!!!

Yachi Hitoka

-       Awkward mess

-       Teeny bit sensitive, but appreciates your bluntness bcs sometimes blunt is what she needs (like hinata haha)

-       Super fun to be around, would draw you

-       Artsy movie dates

-       Café dates !!!

-       Great listener, doesn’t really know what to say but will always give you a hug

-       Supportive baby, loves to hold your hand when you’re alone

Thank you for your patience !! hope you like it !!!

[choerrypuffs]

AAAAAAAAAA I READ THE JENO FIC LIKE. 3 TIMES??? ALREADY??? AND HOLY FUCKING JHDJKNKJDSJDF

miss lana i am: speechless.

I LITERALLY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY?? LIKE I WOULD LEAVE A REVIEW BUT I LOVED EVERYTHING IN THE FIC SO I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHICH PARTS TO PINPOINT???

omg take rest!! was the pain too bad? :(

AHAHAH tbh most desis end up multilingual so it's really nothing special ;-; we generally end up knowing at least 3 languages (except maybe parts of north india since hindi is the regional language there) but south indians (like me), people from the west and the north east always end up knowing english, hindi + the regional language/our mothertongue

I REALLY WANNA LEARN MANDARIN OR CANTONESE OMG!!! i just really love the way those languages sound? like the intonations(?) and i love the script so much too!!

sigh i wish our school had therapy dogs LMAO the only thing we get is this monthly "motivational" talk that does nothing to motivate us, makes us feel worse about our grades and basically tells us that we need to study harder than we already are </3 seriously reconsidering taking science for my last two years of high school :/

but enough about that!! being an english major seems so fun ngl <3 because english is one of the subjects that i genuinely enjoy learning (along with bio and math) so it does feel like it'd be very interesting :D tbvh, bio is my comfort subject, like i always study it whenever i need a break from relatively harder subjects like physics or chem ;-; did you ever have a subject like that in high school? y'know, it makes you actually want to study instead of studying for the sake of it?

also idk if this is tmi or not but yesterday ccsa messaged me asking me if the inside of your ears could sweat and i needed to google it up for her 😭😭 sorry ccsa /j

~ samoyed <3

OMG I'M SO HAPPY YOU LIKED IT 🥺🥺🥺 THE FACT YOU READ IT IS ENOUGH FOR ME <333333333

yes braces pain is brutal 😭😭😭 it's almost a week and i still can't anything except soft, almost liquified foods 💔

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BEING TRILINGUAL IS SUPER SPECIAL??? IT'S AMAZING THAT MOST DESIS CAN SPEAK THREE LANGUAGES 🤩🤩🤩 the american school system sucks so bad omg why am i learning algebra when i could be learning 3 languages

YES OMG i can't read or write chinese characters but i can read pinyin, which just tells your which tone to use bc chinese has four main intonations and it's so helpful 😩 i took a chinese class in uni bc i wanted to learn how to read and write it and it was literally so hard?? my mom had to tutor me and i still did awful 💀 the only reason i passed with a good grade was bc 90% of the tests were speaking

my mom speaks cantonese too! she's so amazing she knows four languages 😌 i used to be able to understand it a little but now i'm totally clueless 💔

monthly motivational talk sounds brutal omfg 💀💀💀 no bc telling kids to study harder and stressing them out even more while giving them virtually no breaks is totally a healthy method of teaching 🥴 please make sure to take care of yourself, my love!! take hot baths and treat yourself to some really really good food 😤

yes being an english major is really fun!! i love reading classic books even if they're boring bc most of the time there's always a homoerotic subtext to them 😌 and it's really nice to see boomer profs get all flustered and uncomfortable when you bring it up during discussion 😩 i will say research paper season is BRUTAL though omg i had to write 40 pages worth of research papers in a month and it was awful

not me saying that like i didn't write a 22k fic in a week

i loved english in high school! idk if i loved it per se but i was really good at it and i loved the academic validation LMAO i also thought history was super interesting too! hated the tests though 💀 it was a college level course bc my high school offered dual enrollment classes for college credit so i actually had to study but i never did

omg wait a second. YOU ENJOYED MATH???? SAMOYED ANON WTF ARE YOU OKAY 😭😭😭 WHAT PART OF MATH DO YOU LIKE?? THE CRYING?? THE ERASER FLAKES ALL OVER THE PAPER BC YOU KEEP GETTING THE ANSWER WRONG?? THE RAGE???

wait i'm curious too do the inside of our ears sweat 😳

[bowieisworried]

we all have Superb taste if you ask me! I've had a soft spot for felix from the beginning and i don't think that's ever gonna change tbh

i remember when he used to not speak korean that well and the way he grew so quickly, i was so proud it gives me a heartache just thinking about it

I didn't have such big bias problems before!! it used to be fairly chill except for skz. always had like One fave idk when that changed lmao

Ah yes... SuperM i always forget that that group exists hfdjhfj still don't know what SM was thinking when they came up with that idea.

Mark is just totally overworked bc he's in almost every nct unit

I've had nctzen friends since their debut so i kind of couldn't stay away no matter how hard i try rip. By now i have way too much information on them and the fandom drama lmao

This year was truly the Start of military enlistments for my generation of kpop i think. the next few years gonna be Rough man

OK fave ace song might be a struggle again bc i used to listen mostly to Savage, Under Cover and Higher and i used to absolutely HATE Cactus. That song was so annoying to me, didn't like it at all and then suddenly a few weeks ago a flip in my brain switched and i suddenly started liking it lmao

so rn i'd probably have to say Cactus/Changer bc those are on repeat

For MV, the Under Cover mv already snatched all the wigs when it came out tbh, i just love that one

Yea Jun & Yonghoon have that same... Pretty Boy Leader Just Wants Compliments vibe but also Clowns

Since The Rose had the company issues shit rlly just went downhill. Makes me regret not buying more albums back in 2018 SO Hard. At this rate i'll never get my hands on one of their old releases rip

I love how fans sometimes get MAD when albums get reprinted bc they were hoping to scam ppl :'D

AhA hello star wars fan, it is I, a star trek fan hahadsf

I hadn't even THOUGHT abt the physical album packaging when he came out with the concept and stuff i was just hoping i'll like the songs but then suddenly all these versions drop and with them my Jaw. King shit.

Luckily i didn't collect like... Naruto. i didn't even try bc i knew i didn't have the money for that many volumes lmao but bc my memory is so bad i even got confused if i already owned vol 2 or not lmao it was a mess

i used to LOVE stray kids for having albums of the same format and then just as i stopped colelcting they changed it and i aas like HAH don't have to deal with that but the joke's on me now i do have to and it's a mess

But nothing is worse rn than onewe albums + Advice u can't just put them on the shelf normally it'S so annoying

I want leedos big binary card too so i can pout them next to each other!!

Did Vixx ever release the actual Perfumes too or was it just for the album? I mean ofc the smell just gets all up in there hdhhd i can imagine

Maybe puty taemin is your pulling curse who knows (of course very debatable if it's a curse or a blessing)

A nice relaxing drink sounds good! I mean moving is always stressful. At least it's over now!! love that for you :p

I think i'll watch that one webdrama ace is in to mentally prepare for Jun's upcoming drama. Already vibrating out of my skin in anticipation.

good night!!

~ santa

Howdy!

No wonder, he is really sweet and yeah, it was really endearing when he struggled with it. I remember seeing him in some YouTube video where they pranked him like the staff had been arrested and the language barrier just added to the chaos 😂

I know exactly what SM was thinking: American money. Totally failed though so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 😅 Ah, that does sound like a nightmare for Mark. God there's always so much fandom drama, with everyone really, part of the reason why you'll never see me calling myself a Tomoon or Shawol or anything. I'm just not wanting to get lumped in with the drama haha

To be fair I grew up with Star Trek as well, whichever series had Patrick Stewart (Next Generation maybe?) so I hold no Wars/Trek rival grudges.

Past you must be cackling that you have to deal with all the different formats now 😂 Are Onewe albums massive as well? Honestly see when I got Advice, Atlantis, and Don't Call Me all in the same parcel, I thought they'd sent double until I opened them and just went "SM what the hell!" lol

I'm not sure if they brought out the perfume that the album was scented with but they did have a line with one for each member, seems to be for the Lost Fantasia concerts.

I think I'd count pouty Taemin pulls as a blessing because God help me if he wasn't being adorable he might just kill me 😆

Oooh that's gonna be so good! Hope you enjoy the webdrama as well, I've heard good things about it 😄

[semiotomatics]

help me tumblr

please for the love of all that is held dear by you or anyone you know hELP ME

I am in aromantic HELL. the worst situation imaginable. my blood pressure is through the roof just THINKING about it

after a cut bc this got long and I am sorry

so there's a guy at work who. I mean if you want to know what kind of person he is all you have to know is that none of the girls at work like him and several of the guys warned me that he can "go too far" with his comments/jokes, and to tell him off or speak to a manager if I was uncomfortable with anything he said or did. like??? I have been Warned abt him MULTIPLE TIMES

anyway he's been uhhhhh hitting on me? attempting to flirt with me???? honestly idek bc I am Incredibly Aro and also he is Incredibly Bad at whatever it is he's doing. at first I wasn't even sure if it was flirting or just him being Weird. but recent events have made me 1000% certain that it is. however, he's also given me the strong impression that he will either never make a move, make a move in the most publicly embarrassing, personally traumatic way possible.

working with him is already torture bc I never know what weird unsettling comment is gonna come out of his mouth next, not to mention he's always hovering around me and following me around, and I've caught him staring at me too. just standing there and staring at me. idk what kind of harlequin romance he's cooked up in his head, but it must be a convincing one bc no matter WHAT I DO OR SAY to tell him that I don't appreciate his advances, he just keeps. doing. it.

Ive tried to skirt around the issue up till now. I haven't directly addressed his supposed (*shivers*) _attraction_ to me, just his actions. im at the point now though where I think the only thing that will actually make him back off is to sit him down look him in the eyes and say "dude. I'm not into you. I will never be into you. STOP HITTING ON ME". however, the very thought of doing that makes me want to throw up and/or die. if he could just _say_ something definitive (ask me out, tell me he's into me, ask if I'm into him, SOMETHING) then I could respond to that. but instead he's putting me in a position where _I_ have to be the one to broach the subject.

LIKE. this guy has stalked me online, tried to trick me/blackmail me into going on a date with him, touched me without my consent (nothing overtly sexual, just picking stuff out of my hair/off my back or patting me on the shoulder, BUT STILL), continued to stand in my personal space after I've told him MULTIPLE TIMES that i don't like it, made inappropriate comments to me AT WORK. DID I MENTION IVE CAUGHT HIM STARING AT ME. I'm having an anxiety attack just thinking about it.

tbh when I lay it all out like that it sounds like I should report it to my manager. and I prolly should, I know that. but like??? the stress and embarrassment I would feel to go to any other employee with this and know that they were going to talk to him about it and know that I would then have to FACE HIM/THEM is actually worse than just dealing with it myself. plus like, I've gotten very good at shooting him down whenever he makes his (*shivers*) ~advances. I keep hoping he'll finally crack and either just come right out and SAY SOMETHING or maybe oh idk GET A CLUE AND STOP THINKING HE HAS A CHANCE. I actually think things could be bearable then.

LIKE!!!! he knows that I a) don't want to hang out with him outside of work b) am uninterested in dating in general c) find his comments creepy and d) don't like him invading my personal space because I've tOLD HIM MULTIPLE TIMES. and I'm not talking oblique blow-offs or amused dismissal. I mean I say with a straight face "dude, you're being creepy, stop" and "you're in my personal space, can you back up a bit?". when he tried to trick me into letting him buy me dinner I said no thanks, when he suggested we should hang out outside of work one day I said, wait for it, NOT INTERESTED. I SAID THE WORDS. HOW DOES HE NOT GET IT.

anyway. I'm sorry for yelling. this whole situation has me very emotionally unbalanced. if you have any advice for what to do, either directly with him or to a manager/hr _without_ wanting to immediately die, I would love to hear it. I am literally desperate.