#and there is no understanding for being angry or hysterical. its not a mental illness thing its a moral failing

[ldlingsomewhere]

i think its really shitty how people in “neurodiverse” spaces will accommodate for anxiety, but totally refuse to accommodate for hysteria or anger issues (things that are both precipitated by anxiety for me). like it’s totally fine to reject an angry or hysterical person, because unlike anxiety, those are scary and dangerous things and it’s ok if you have a personality disorder or anger issues but only if you never display any symptoms ever

[thehumanversionofthishellsite]

may or may not have stayed up all night reading this book as soon as I could get my hands on it but anyway I have some thoughts and most of them are screaming.

I really loved the book. Did it have flaws? Yes. Do I care? No. I'm 22, the targeted age range is something like 10-16. When I first got into this series I was the same age as nico. It's been a long journey getting older and changing and healing. Seeing that for Nico was all I really wanted from this book.

Also, realistic relationship struggles and growth!! Loved that!! Having a chronic illness is hard, your partner watching you suffer with it is also hard for them!! Having conversations and misunderstandings and awkward moments is how it goes!! After being in a 3 year relationship with someone I love very much I'm like,,, yes!! Thank you!! I have lifelong chronic illness!! It's not going away I gotta learn to live with it it's a part of me!! My partner struggles with it but is trying so hard and I love them so much!!! But I'm so much more than a pile of suffering and that's the point!!! You choose to keep trying and that's the point the book makes!! there's a whole scene about it and it's so important!!! Will starts to be more accepting and understanding and we love to see it! Nico accepts he needs to let himself move on and that it's ok to do that and not be angry with your past self for trying to stay alive!!

I make no sense and I don't care. But also, they're cringey and memey and dumb. They're hysterical and going a little bit crazy and they love each other and like, I'm not ok. Neither are they. Its been an extremely stressful week for them.

And I don't think it's super out of character because we barely know these people!! Nico has been suffering and in survival mode almost the whole time we have known him!! Will has been a background character most of the time!! Nico was a bubbly 10 year old and Will was like 4 sentences. Nico has made occasional/awkward/dark jokes and Will was shown to be stubborn and concerned and caring because demigods are ridiculously hard to keep alive. Let them be weird and cringey they're literal teenagers. Have you been in a high school with people obnoxiously dating. They are. The worst.

Broke: camp is empty because people wanna see their families

Woke: camp is empty because will and nico are just that couple who are cringe 100% of the time and everyone just noped out

I know I keep getting sidetracked but. Point is. nico and will seem out of character because of circumstances and time skips probably. Nicos finally in a stable place and can actually process things, mans is curious about the world he's in no wonder he's a memelord the internet just does that to you. People change when they're not in survival mode, I definitely am not the same person I was when I was 16. Not even the same person I was when I was 18. Or 20. Like, mental health glow ups bring out some of the best parts of you.

AND THANK YOU PIPER I FEEL SO SEEN RN, don't know what label I fit under, I am confusion but it's ok!! I am a big ole ace spectrum mess and maybe tomorrow it'll be different! Either way the book had a lot of great moments and no it's not the same as old rr books but it was never gonna be, the nostalgia associated with the original pjo series means nothing will ever live up to those books and that's kind of just life for some of yall. fuck knows I crave the joy I felt playing crash bandicoot for the first time. I miss that time of my life and it's ok to miss that but it's also ok to move forward and find new things that bring life joy and meaning!!

anyway. I enjoyed the sun and the star and I will continue to enjoy it regardless of what other people think, I can like things just because I do, or just because they make me happy. And this book definitely made me happy. Also holy fuck I need some sleep. Sorry about all the exclamation points it's all that's keeping me awake!!

[meta-enthusiasm]

You know what I am really fucking tired of seeing in popular media?

The "evil, hysterical woman in power" trope. The clichè that potrays women who are in a position of power as overzealous, unhinged, power hungry maniacs who are a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

Female leaders are shown as less resonable and down to earth as their male counterparts, and are often villainized by either the fandom or the narrative of the story itself. They are doomed to fail because of their womanliness and need to be taken down before they enact their evil plans, preferably by a man, or a woman who performs the 'right' kind of femininity.

This trope relies on the sexist misconception that women are more fragile than men, more emotionally unstable and unpredictable.

"Women aren't cut out to be leaders, they should be nurturing and supportive and tend to their families. Having higher aspirations is against their nature and will eventually break them and drive them crazy."

That type of bullshit that was designed to keep women out of leadership positions and keep oppressing us. To keep us quiet and submissive.

Here are a few examples to further explain this stereotype:

Daenerys Targaryen is one of the most well known characters to fall victim to this trope. She is an abuse and rape victim, seeking to change the current social and political systems of the world because she knows how many people suffer under its injustice. ("Crush the wheel.")

For all her compassion and charity she has shown over the series, the writers decided that it would be reasonable for her to go crazy at the end of the show and, despite promising she wouldn't inflict more damage than necessary, kill thousands of innocent people whose government had already surrendered to her.

And guess who had to kill her in the end? Yup, another man. Her love interest, who was "forced" to betray her.

Next, we have:

Morgana Pendragon, from "Merlin". To remind you, she is an abuse victim who had to endure her father's controlling behavior and bigoted attitude towards people with magic abilities which, suprise suprise, she turned out to have. She had to watch as her father murdered and oppressed people just like herself, and when she challenged that behavior, he would come down hard with punishment. (Going so far as to actually throwing her in the dungeons for a couple days.)

Eventually, she rebelled against the corrupt system and had her genocidal father killed. She led a rebellion against Camelot after Uther's son (Arthur) continued to oppress magicians under his reign, and sought to create a better future for herself and her people.

So far so good, right? Well, no. The problem here is that she is the antagonist of the story. She is portrayed as being in the wrong for not quietly taking the injustice and watching it happen.

Halfway through the show, she becomes obsessed with power and status and desperately chases after the throne of Camelot. She is extremly vindictive, manipulative and cruel to others to archieve her goals. She is a "hysterical woman" who is out of control, emotionally unstable, challenges the patriarchy, and therefore needs to be defeated.

Her death was portrayed as tragic, yet absolutely necessary.

(Of course it had to be a man who killed her.)

Azula is the epitome of this horrid, misogynistic trope. She is a fierce, ambitious leader and highly skilled fire bender, respected and feared among her people. She is highly driven and succeeds at almost everything she sets her mind to.

Ever since she came into this world, she was better at everything than Zuko. She was a better fighter than him, a better bender, better strategist, better child. And that is precisely the reason why she had to lose in the end.

Despite coming from the exact same circumstances as Zuko, the story and the fandom at large see Azula as way less redemable and likable than him. Even though she is an abuse victim whose own mother hated her and is a literal child soldier, she doesn't get any sympathy from the protagonists of the story. The otherwise so understanding and wise Iroh even calls her "crazy", (which is, if you've done some basic research into misogynistic expressions, really fucking problematic.) and tells Zuko that there is no saving her. Why? He doesn't tell, but it's obvious that the writers made him say this because of their own internalized sexist beliefs. She isn't offered a way out of her toxic environment like Zuko was. She didn't get the support from Iroh because he had already given up on her.

To top it off, she has a nervous breakdown near the end and loses her remaining sanity. Because, you know, "She's craaaazy!! And SO unstable!! Typical woman." (Not to mention how this further stigmatizes mental illness and portrays it as something only evil people get.)

She was supposed to become the next fire lord, a position that carries utmost power and influence. Of course, such authority could not be given to a woman. That's why Zuko, a man, gets to be the next fire lord, and we are left assuming Azula will be spending the rest of her days in prison.

The writers assume the audience detests Azula and wants her to suffer. She doesn't deserve a happy ending, or the love and support that Zuko got.

Why? Because she poses a threat to the status quo, the patriarchy. She challenged the belief that men had to be the best and most efficient at everything they do, that women could indeed be better leaders and be happy with having a career and not be nurturing, motherly figures to the men in their lives. And for that transgression, for breaking gender stereotypes, Azula was punished.

(It's also why Katara, someone who performs the "right" kind of femininity by being nurturing, motherly, supportive, healing, doting, and is the care taker of the group, ends up taking Azula, the evil and perverted form of femininity, down. I believe @batboyblog has made a similar post about this.)

This is Carmilla from the popular Netflix show "Castlevania", and if you've payed attention to my previous points, it should be pretty obvious what her character represents and how her story ends.

Note that she is also an abuse and rape survivor who is represented as evil and cruel for being angry at what was done to her.

To top it off, she is also an example of the man hating woman stereotype, whose anger at the misogyny and sexism of the world is portrayed as an "overreaction" and as "too much".

At the end of the story, she had to be taken down by another man (Isaac) so that the status quo could be preserved, and the reign of a crazy bitch like her could be stopped. Horay, the day is saved from yet another unstable, selfish woman who would have brought suffering and pain over her country if allowed to rule. Hysterical women with their demand for equality.

Conclusion:

In all these examples, we can see female abuse victims thriving for power and status, for respect, being represented as something negative and something to avoid. Trying to fundamentally change a system that is rigged against women/female representing people is a fruitless endevour that will eventually fail and drive us crazy, because our minds aren't strong enough to handle this type of responsibility and status.

Holding on to anger and bitterness over what was done to us is the sign of a bad person, and the only morally acceptable path is to forgive/ignore our abusers and let the injustice continue to happen.

Strangely enough though, that same gaslighting, victim blaming mentality gets almost never applied to male characters. Men who seek vengeance are never portrayed as weak or crazy for giving in to the wish of changing a corrupt system/killing bad people. (Batman, the Punisher, Hawkeye, John Wick, Jason Todd, Erin, Scar from FMAB, Iron Man, and so on)

The reason why these stereotypes almost never apply to men but almost always to women is sexism. There is no other explanation for this. These tropes were specifically designed to make society believe that women aren't cut out for leadership positions and are happiest with domestic, easy tasks like watching after our children and taking care of the household.

Women who are angry, women who are dominant are to be feared and distrusted. They are represented as a danger to the general public and need to be taken down before they enact their evil plans.

Feel free to add further examples.

[bugli-bugli]

TW: insults towards depression and anxiety, toxic behavior, father/parent mention, trauma discussion, self-harm mention, suicide idealization

just a rant because im just too fucking tired of the bullshit of other sites.

i’ve really taken for granted how non-toxic tumblr is in the nice little corner i’ve tucked myself into. since i’m pretty desperate for money, cause now i think ill just have to live off disability if i can even get it.

I gotta say my mutuals and the people who reblogged my donation post, im so fucking grateful for you and i cant thank you enough. but besides the point, rant.

posted my donation post on twitter and later reddit, like the naive fool i am. the first comment i got on the twitter one was very homophobic and the guy was just an overall creep upon a quick look on his tumblr. i responded to him but immediately deleted it cause i knew thats all he wanted was to make me angry. think i was able to get him banned but fuck if i know.

this is more about the lovely reddit post i got

sigh im not going to bother replying and i just reported them, but i wanted to get out of me all the shit i wanted to say. just, first of all i know trolls and shit just do this to get attention, but this on the fucking r/donate subreddit like??? why isn’t it moderated better?? besides the point

i dont care if you believe my donation post is a scam, whatever, believe what you want and move on. i understand there is a lot of people out there trying to get money they can easily get themselves, instead they take it from goodhearted people.

you need to grow the fuck up. i redirect back at this person because, you spent your time, what? hating on a post that might be a scam. and they regularly do this to from just a quick look. so immature and annoying. this hurts so fucking much to hear too cause it strikes a perfect nerve of trauma.

anxiety and depressions are perfectly valid reasons to not be able to hold down a job. they sound like my fucking dad. i have panic attacks when people raise their voice or if there is too much going on around me, like tvs and crowds and what not.

ive mostly been sleeping lately and cant even make myself do simple physical tasks. not just because of my depression but because of my chronic joint pain that i still haven’t fucking got working medication for yet.

plus i have 472147921 other disorders that i havent been able to get diagnosed or help yet because of my stupid fucking parents. who finally are getting me help after years upon years of having obvious mental issues. ONLY BECAUSE a big argument that my sister had to speak for me in, because i went nonverbal and was hysterically laughing because my dad denying he called me fat.

but yeah i cant even brush my teeth, or shower, the only hygiene habits i have are because if i didnt do them my brain would make me have a panic attack or some intrusive thoughts of self harm.

how is it fucking entitled to ask strangers to donate, H O W? i dont think i deserve this, i dont think that im better then other people, im posting this because others who are in similar/worse situations posting donation posts gave me the confidence to do so.

yes im so entitled to be begging on my hands and knees for money because capitalism and my body and mind are working against me. im not even saying HEY DONATE AND IF YOU DONT DONATE YOU ARE A FUCKING HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING. or anything even remotely close to that.

i gave the needed information and background as to why we would need money, and why we struggle to get it ourselves. and asked that people at least share, but there is no obligation to go any of these things.

i know i cant live my entire life on freelance transcription but it is LITERALLY THE ONLY JOB I CAN GET. yeah just simply go out and get a real job, because you can totally form sentences around strangers and dont feel like you are going to throw up from anxiety. its not that hard.

i totally have the endurance to do whatever it is necessary in whatever shitty ass 8 hour shift job i could get, because every step i take doesn’t physically hurt. because after walking too much, my knees wont give out ever, that never happens. because i dont have a fear of failure because my dad totally didn’t get mad at me when i took to long to learn something. i have no trauma related to that at all. im a totally capable human being. 

all of these last two paragraphs are sarcasm btw if that wasn’t obvious

i dont even know what couch sufing on craigslist even is. i had to look it up. how is that advice, how. oh yeah just live on other peoples couches, people you dont even know. thats not dangerous at all like HUH?!?! fuck no. if i wanted to get myself killed id do it myself.

also shelters are totally safe, and never have any issues whatsoever. i didnt ask for fucking advice that was going to make our situation worse you p.o.s.

also i know what im fucking doing, im researching and trying to make the most feasible and realistic plan to leave. even if that is i have freelance transcribing jobs and disability and my sister has whatever job and my so probably in the same boat as me. im not just going to move out without the needed things unless i was kicked out. which, as of the moment, none of us are currently at risk of that, yet.

if it really came down to it where Brutus would need to be rehomed, we’d probably do it. but he means so fucking much to us, we dont want to rehome him because we dont have anyone we can fucking trust to take care of him and we arent just going to give him away to whoever. Brutus and my pets and my sisters are all part of our family, and we aren’t just going to fucking give them away.

whatever, the rage is gone, im tired and i want to cry, this wasn’t posted for attention or anything i just wanted to rant. please dont leave negative comments im not in the goddamned mood.

[homicidaldorito]

Darkfell/Fightfell AU

Papyrus “Vicious”

Selectively kind, protective and gentle. This is who he truly is, not the persona known as Vicious he dawns on when he’s out in the City or in the Temple. He wears this mask to keep suspicion away from his family and to keep people from getting close to him.

Vicious is a ruthless, unfeeling and feared monster who has won many fights in the Temple and even before the barrier was shattered. No one dares look at him wrong on the streets, even though he himself doesn’t even look in the direction of others, finding them all the same and rather dull. He has very good hearing though and can sense when people are staring at him, even if you try to hide it, he will know.

He values his family's safety over everything else, doing whatever it takes to keep them safe from harm, though it’s difficult to do when it comes to their half human half monster ‘sibling’ since her kind aren’t actually respected and looked at like freaks of nature. He still defends her, since she is their ‘property’.

He is the middle child, though he acts much older than he looks, taking on the responsibilities his brother and father cannot always do. This means that he: cooks, cleans, does laundry and grocery shopping. He spends most of his time with Arcadia, so she helps him with whatever needs to be done, learning how to do everyday life things from his teachings.

Papyrus has always had a very strange dedication to the Forsaken Child Gaster brought in one night, finding it in her best interest to be raised by a great skeleton like himself. The same night he gained a sister, he lost his father. After that night, Papyrus dedicated himself to help raise the small sickly baby girl. He loves he like she is his bone and blood, since he’s been the one to take care of her for several years now. Once his father started showing up less and less, he was all she had. He taught her how to read and write, even forces her to read aloud so he knows she’s got a voice in there somewhere.

The only things that stays about Vicious is the fact that Papyrus gets irritated over certain things, never truly angry though. This happens whenever Sans calls Arcadia a nuisance, when his brother and father fight and when his spaghetti doesn’t turn out perfectly.

He’s painfully aware that Sans doesn’t care for Arcadia, nor does he show any signs of changing his attitude towards him. He knows his older brother better than anyone, so he understands that it’s more than a jealousy phase. He just wants his family to be the way it was before, there was a time when Sans actually liked Arcadia but it was many years ago...though he has no idea what happened. Papyrus suspects that this is Sans’ way of rebelling against their father and that he’s fighting himself on the inside.

Papyrus has a good relationship with his father, or so he thinks. Since his father doesn't leave his room or lab very often, so they don’t interact very much but he always follows the orders Gaster gives him without question. He doesn’t have any ill will towards his father even though he forced the boys to do unspeakable things in the Underground for him but once they were freed, he began to change for the better.

Papyrus’ only other friend is Undyne, the fish girl whose eye he stole, who still protects Asgore even though he is a God-like ruler over the surface. After he took her eye and she carved up his face, they became friends and battle buddies in the Underground and even on the surface. They meet every so often when Asgore comes to the house to chat with Gaster.

Sans “Sour”

Sans is a very cautious, reserved and judgemental skeleton who reserves his kindness for very few people. Sans doesn’t have much patients for most people, though he tries his best to be respectful when he has too but that’s on rare occasions. He’s especially cruel to the Forsaken Child living with him, calling the families nuisance.

Sans’ normally isn’t home, being employed by Grillby to transport cargo from one place to another whenever he has the chance or even hanging out with Undyne’s partner Alphys. If he is home though, he’s normally in his room or on the couch sleeping, waiting for Papyrus to finish supper so that he can eat and retreat back to his hiding place. He only eats dinner at the table to spend time with his brother and to make sure he knows that his cooking is appreciated. He leaves before his father comes up (most of the time), so they don’t start a screaming match in front of Pap.

Sans thinks the only reason why Gaster took Arcadia in was to make up for all the things he did to the humans, having experimented on them, ripped the determination out of them and then killed them in cold blood. Sans hates his father because he believes that he is a hypocrite, trying to make up for something he would most likely do again if he was asked too. Forcing Arcadia to fight her own kind in order to keep suspicion away from the family, making her kill people like he had with the boys.

Sans has killed many humans, be it on the surface or in the Temple, making him believe that he could never be friends or love humans since his hands were stained with their blood/ He doesn’t want to be like his father, pretending his sins hadn’t been committed when they were all he ever thought about. Sans cannot repent for his sins, or so he thinks, so he acts the same way towards humans that he always has...cold and cruel. He used to believe that he could, that’s why he was able to be around Arcadia when she was younger but once he started thinking more...he realizes that it was nothing more than a waste of time. If she knew the truth, she wouldn’t look at him the same. So he cut her off before she could.

In truth, Sans feels awful for Arcadia since she is forced to fight and forget every death that is by her hands. Seeing her fight without being able to consciously stop herself, makes his soul ache and his hatred for his father grow..because he sees himself in her. He never wanted to hurt anyone, he never wanted to take a single life but his father’s orders were absolute.

There were nights where he would find her crying in the dark all by herself so he would happily take her into his room. He would make her a warm glass of milk, help her drink and then lay her down so that she could cry into his chest and fall asleep with him next to her, so she didn’t have to be alone anymore. He loves her deep down but can’t bare to lie to her about his past or pretend that it never happened so he simply stays as far away as he can from her to protect them both.

Sans got the nickname Sour because the mood he is always in, he doesn’t mind it since he knows that it fits so well. He is the lesser feared brother, not having as much wiggle room to get beat up like his brother does but he’s never lost a fight against another monster or human. He’s got many ‘scars’ from his time in the Underground but the worse one he’s gotten was from a monster (Arcadia’s sperm donor) that left his eye blurred and hard to see out of.

Gaster

Gaster is a slightly mentally unstable mad scientist/doctor who has the worst guilty conscience in the history of any living being. He did some things in his past that could never be forgiven but he tries to make up for them in ways that are unorthodox and strange.

He has severe depression and anxiety, being unable to leave his bed or lab for days at a time because it gets to the point he has to sleep to escape his living nightmare. He never tells anyone about the thoughts running through his head, he simply shoulders the burden all by himself. He barely answers his bedroom or lab door but if he knows its Arcadia he opens right away in fear that she’d gotten sick again. She uses this to her advantage sometimes just to make sure he hasn’t perished in that god forsaken lab of his.

He truly loves his children, even if he doesn’t seem like the perfect father, wanting only the best for his children now that he isn’t hell bent on trying to free everyone from the Underground. He had done terrible things to his boys and humans that fell into the Underground before the barrier shattered...and all he wants to do is make up for everything he’s done for his work. He knows that not every scar will heal, not everything he does will be enough but he tries never-the-less.

He has an explosive temper, though he tends to forget what he’s ranting about a couple seconds into it and then goes back to normal. Anything and everything can set him off but he never becomes violent, well, he never can remember that far to get violent.

He was following in Asgore’s footsteps, wanting nothing more than to destroy humans and get revenge. He used to force Sans and Papyrus to fight in both the Underground and the Temple, wanting nothing more than to experiment on souls and the concepts of determination but once a human woman came into his life and changed him...he just wanted to save everyone that he could.

Gaster and Arcadia’s mother first met each other when a monster offered up his ‘untrained harlot’ to be of any service to the widely known scientist but Gaster had wanted nothing to do with her...until she mouthed off in front of him. Gaster decided that she would come and clean his lab twice a week...and from there she became someone he never wanted to lose. She opened his eyes to all the things he’d done, everything he thought was true about humans. Sure, they were heartless and cruel to their own kind but there were gems hidden within the sand. She was one of them, teaching him all the things he never knew. One day she showed up telling him that she was pregnant, hysterical that her monster would kill the child if he found out but hopeful that the child wouldn’t be another miscarriage so Gaster helped her hide it...even though she never truly gained all that much weight or had physical signs.

The day Arcadia was born, was the day her mother was slaughtered in the street. She came barging into Gaster’s home, broken and bleeding everywhere...just to shove a sickly baby girl into his arms and give him a kiss goodbye. She ran away from him and was found the next morning dead in the streets, giving up her own life to save her precious child. Gaster was heartbroken and truly lost himself that day but vowed to care for the girl as if she were his own, for the woman he loved and to keep a part of her alive. He’s never been the same since.

Gaster cannot stand Toriel or Asgore, finding Asgore to be violent and Toriel greedy. He doesn’t like that Asgore still has the humans enslaved to monsters, now that he knows that not all humans are the same. He knows that Toriel sells her Forsaken Children off to the highest bidder as weapons, even though she pretends to not know a damn thing. Whenever Asgore comes to Gaster’’s home, Gaster pretends to be friendly with him but really wants to kick him out the moment he steps foot inside..

Gaster has to force the girl to act as a slave whenever Asgore or anyone else comes around, being short and cruel to her whenever she messes up something. He’s trained Arcadia to make mistakes in order for her to be sent to her room, preventing any unwanted exposure to anyone who isn’t in the family. No one will lay a finger on her, not even in the presence of company, other than maybe scooping her up or grabbing her wrist.

Asgore Dremurr

After shattering the barrier trapping the monsters under Mount Ebott, Asgore became a God-like monster who rules over the surface. He enslaved humans about 20 years ago, never letting up the rules, not even after he changed his mind about humans. He keeps the law in place to keep his subjects happy and so they get their fill of revenge. He also doesn’t want his people to become opressed again and he fears that he will have to kill the humans if they rise up against them.

He has noticed a change in Gaster, especially towards him. He also didn’t find out about the child until she was almost 13 years old...but decided not to question where he’d gotten her from in fear of angering the mad doctor. He was never allowed close enough to ask the girl himself but again, didn’t want to push his luck.

Asgore had once been a merciless warrior, a stone cold ruler and a human’s worst nightmare but he resides in his castle most days now...reflecting on his actions and keeping his head about him. He didn’t want to end up like Gaster. He’s very calm, collected and reachable, wanting nothing more than to do whats best for his people.

Toriel Dremurr

She doesn’t speak to anyone unless they are in the orphanage or a supplier, being too caught up in her sales to be bothered. She is truly picky about who she sells her children, making sure they aren’t going to be roughed up to much and properly taken care of. She’s too caught up in all the details to understand that people fake their applications so that she picks them...once she signs over the child they’ll be used as tools in the Temple for entertainment.

She’s somewhat greedy as well, wanting a high price for her children thinking that no one will want them if she wants an outrageous amount for them but most times people will sell their souls for a Forsaken Child, just to get entertainment out of them. She doesn’t refuse them if they can pay.

She hired Dogressa, Dogress, Doggo, 01 and 02 to protect the compound from anyone who decides to break in and steal a child.

BP and BB are also hired their but only part time, BP to cook and BB to give out nice cream.

Grillby

Grillby owns a bar and runs an armory shop in the basement, though it sells more than just guns and weapons. He also sells armor and weapons that help amplify a monster’s magic power. Grillby is a huge flirt with the women around his shop, very aggressive but smooth when it comes to his slick way of speaking. He’s mostly a giant dickhead to men and tries to be much sweeter with women, showing his true colors whenever some smart mouth talks shit to the wrong person. He’s the best sharp shooter in the business, known by everyone is “One Shot Grillb”.

The only person he gets along with is Sans, being his friend and best customer, letting him stay in the bar to drink as much spiked mustard as he wants. Whenever Sans gets drunk, he opens up to Grillby more and more, though the arms dealer never brings it up after he’s sobered up.

Grillby ends up buying a Forsaken Child who has the magic of molten metal. He specifically wanted him in order for the boy to make custom weapons for those who wanted them, which isn’t a scarce request. Grillby calls him Tempest, mostly to mess around with him and joke about the fact he is nothing like a tempest. He gives him room, board and money for working for him, treating him like an actual living being even in front of his customers. Grillby doesn’t care that he’s Forsaken, he believes that the boy has talent and wants him to use it anyway possible. He also won’t allow him to fight in the Temple, warning Asgore if he makes him fight that he will pay if he breaks his workers hands.

Joshua “Tempest”

A mysterious Forsaken Child who is brought to Grillby’s by one of Toriel’s guards. He doesn’t speak at all and has a black mask that covers from his nose to his chin. It hides whatever damage or defect he has from before the orphanage. The only thing he does to communicate is sign language or drawing out what he’s trying to say, which is enough for most people to understand. He doesn’t know how to read or write.

When first meeting, Arcadia and Joshua have an instant connection with each other, sitting in front of the other without saying a word. They do this for the first couple of meetings and then Arcadia finds out that he cannot speak and she can’t understand his signing...this makes her want to learn it. Having never seen another Forsaken Child, Arcadia wants to learn everything there is to learn so she’s desperate to ask him about his life and where he’s been. They both teach each other something: Arcadia teaching Joshua how to read and write and Joshua teaching Arcadia how to sign.

Joshua is always keeping Grillby in line, making sure he doesn’t flirt too much with the customers when they’re looking for something, He always thumps him on the head if he tries to get hansy, and Grillby always grumbles about his annoying ‘little brother’. Whenever someone thinks they can go after Joshua for being Forsaken, Grillby alwaus steps in and warns them to watch what they say before he ‘shoots them full of holes’, they shut up real quick after that.

Whenever Arcadia comes over, Grillby tries to flirt with the little miss but Joshua makes sure to stop him before he gets too touchy. Joshua listens to Arcadia while it works, listening to her vent about Sans and the fact she knows she doesn’t belong there...that she doesn’t fit in anywhere. He always tells her the same thing, “they love you”.

He’s a very calm, rational and cool boy who would rather work than sit around. He has a passion for making things with his magic, creating beautiful pieces with the tools Grillby gives him to work with. It’s hard to upset him, even if you do he will never show it, he’ll merely brush it off as though it never happened.

Unlike most Forsaken Children, Joshua has more monster features than he does human. His skin is a dark grey, his hair is a mixture of orange, red and yellow as if it were molten metal and his eyes have red irises and black sclera. Most people mistake him for a real monster until they take a closer look at his form.

Arcadia “Wretched”

The main protagonist of the story, known for being sickly and Forsaken, she was taken in by W.D Gaster and his two boys when she was just born. She’s a very soft spoken, timid and well behaved child who only has a tendency to be aggressive when she has to take her ‘battery acid medicine’ and when forced to fight in the Temple.

Since she is half human and half monster, her magic is much stronger than a normal monsters since the human part of her soul is powering her magic and the monster part is keeping the magic stable. Her magic is creating red crystals that are fairly hard to break, so whenever she makes them she saved them to use them as weapons during her fights.

She isn’t conscious when she’s fighting, having had Gaster implant a device into her brain that shuts her mind off but keeps her body moving. At first, it was only her fight or flight sensory system keeping her fighting but something else has awoken in her that helps her now. This device is so that she doesn’t have to witness the fights or deal with the memories of killing other humans but she can’t ignore the marks left behind from the fights. She always takes in the wounds that the loser left on her, seeing how hard they fought and wanted to live but ended up dying at her hands. This always makes her puke.

She didn’t even realize she wasn’t a skeleton until she was twelve, when Sans told her she would never be one of them due to the fact she as part human. She never forgot that, never looked at herself the same way anymore. She loves all of them like they were her true family, even Sans who said such a terrible thing to her, remembering him for who he was before he became bitter.

She has always clung onto Papyrus, since he was the only one around for her from the time of twelve until present time, taking care of her and being the brother she needed him to be. He taught her everything she knows and in doing so, she drove out his loneliness and his feeling of inferiority. They always helped the other in some way, shape or form.

She and Sans had been close at one point, coming to the point where she was sure she was in love with him...but it all ended in tragedy when he suddenly rejected her and never spoke kindly to her again. Now they have a very tense relationship, Arcadia always trying not to get screamed at by him for breathing the same air. She only speaks about their relationship to Joshua who can never really give her any advice on how to fix the relationship, only to keep trying.

Arcadia and Gaster are the closest of the four, having a very strong father daughter relationship from the very beginning. He absolutely adores her, finding that she looks so much like her mother and nothing like her father other than the marks on her face. He has a tendency of ignoring the boys calls for him but when his sweet girl calls for him he has to make sure nothing has happened to her. She spends time with him whenever she can, even sneaking into the lab to force her presence onto him whenever she thinks he needs it most. She knows that he’s struggling with something but he never tells her, not wanting to upset her with his woes.

She knows nothing about her parents, just knowing that she looks like her mother. She likes to stare at herself in the mirror and imagine her mother...what she looked like when she was around. She also doesn’t know her mother is dead or that Gaster slaughtered her father after finding out that he’d been the one to kill her. She was told that her mother had given her to Gaster because she knew it would be safer for her there than anywhere else, which wasn’t a lie. She only brings her up around Gaster, hoping he will tell her more about her.

She wants to make the world a place where monsters and humans no longer fight, just be at peace. She is one of the Seven Lights.

Mettaton and Nabstablook

Mettaton is the live entertainment at the Temple, doing acts while they take the bodies of the dead out of the ring. He doesn’t leave his room often, not wanting to be touched by any unclean hands or to breathe the air of commoners

Nabstablook is the DJ of the Temple, living with Mettaton in the Temple. He very rude and rotten whenever he’s around others, so most people don’t invite him to after parties.

Undyne and Alphys:

Undyne is still a loyal follower of Asgore, keeping guard of him whenever he isn’t in his castle. She’s still one of the best fighters the Temple has seen and being teamed up with Papyrus, they are almost unstoppable. She and Papyrus are close, though he isn’t close to her partner Alphys but doesn’t truly mind her in the end. Undyne is a very funny, headstrong, stubborn girl who will do anything to protect the people she holds dear.

She doesn’t seem to like Sans much, but neither does he.

She finds Arcadia interesting, watching the way she fights and even makes comments to Pap about how her style is similar to his. Whenever she sees Arcadia, she has a habit of ruffling her hair and congratulating her for not dying.

She is truly in love with Alphys, always shouting her name after every victory to make sure she knows that it was all for her. She’s very open about her love and makes sure no one makes googly eyes at her girl.

Alphys is a little more reserved than Undyne and doesn’t fight like she does, she merely makes new equipment for her love. She has a habit of making too many gadgets but Undyne uses them all to test them out and their effectiveness...even though most of them do the opposite of what they’re supposed too.

Flowey/Asriel

Wants Arcadia to take Asgore down by finding the other Six Lights.

Temmie

Da true villain in the end.

[kirisakin]

Okay. Here you go.

The term sociopath has been used negatively towards black people since the 1960s to accuse them of being too mentally ill and violent to function in society. You don’t have to like Sentinel Prime, that’s fine. You don’t have to like Blackarachnia either. But you cannot armchair diagnose them as “bad people” using an incredibly racialized derogatory term used to demonize both mentally ill people and black people.

Not only that, but a lack of empathy being used as an indicator for a “bad person” is rooted in eugenics against autistic people as well. The fact that you yourself said you saw it brought up in passing in a book implies that you don’t understand the ramifications of how awful an assumption that is to make of someone else and you’re simply taking it at face value.

It is hypocritical, not only because you have accused him of being a “bad” mentally ill person, but you have also insisted that you aren’t going to infantilize TFA Optimus and yet remove every single negative trait from him despite the show going out of its way to show that he isn’t perfect either for… reasons? As well as you constantly demonizing Arcee and/or Blackarachnia and claiming they are hysterical bitches that need to get over their trauma, yet the men of the continuities such as Starscream and TFA Optimus are fully allowed to cope and recover.

Why are they the ones allowed to be better? It can’t be because they’re quiet about their trauma and you respect that, after all, you adore Starscream as if he’s the next coming of Christ and you’ve made no bones about how he should be allowed to get bloody vengeance and bitch about his shit luck in life. You also constantly insist TFA Optimus should be bitter and angry all of the time. Perhaps there’s another reason they're allowed to be upset and the women aren't. It must be slipping my mind right now.

This isn’t even the first time you’ve insulted people with low empathy or implied they’re secretly evil. You constantly state Optimus from TFP is a demon because he has “no emotions” and make conspiracy theory-style ramblings about how this means he secretly wants everyone to die or how he’s the real villain of the show. The constant application of “good” mentally ill traits versus “bad” mentally ill traits depending on whether or not you’re lionizing or demonizing people at the time is blatant. This only further puts forth the idea that there’s a dichotomy between certain mental illnesses and some are more negative or positive than the other.

And since this gets brought up any single time someone does something bad, no. You didn’t deserve a death threat. You didn’t deserve to be treated badly by people in the past that acted like this to you. But you need to understand what you said and other things you’ve said aren’t right. If you’re going to act like this and throw around harmful ideas to your followers, then expect pushback.

…also, a little weird that there’s been a new show with new kids introduced and you haven’t said anything about those kids.

Are people seriously giving you a hard time just because you called Sentinel a sociopath?... I know that the internet is full of big oversensitive babies, but WOW!

I wouldn’t call them babies... But I honestly don't get it either... :( 

Is sociopath like a forbidden word now or something like that?

How is calling a selfish jerk a possible sociopath a terrible thing?

It's not like I'm making fun of people with mental disabilities (espically since I have one as well), I'm just stating what I think Sentinel POSSIBLY is, because I've been emotionally hurt by people like Sentinel... and I read a book that's basically about how to see and avoid toxic people like potential sociopaths and I made a silly connection... I didn't know that it would actually offend people... Or that some random person would give me an anonymous death threat... 

You guys could at least tell me in my askbox about WHY it's wrong to possibly headcanon a fake jerky character is a sociopath, instead of assuming the worst of me... I'll be happy to apologize, if I'm calmly given a proper reason, in my askbox...

[askluxnovalibra]

Part 1 Hey can you please help me, I'm a libra sun sag moon scorpio venus and mercury (and dominant) and nobody has really seen me cry or sensitive and I feel like nobody rly knows me except for my brother, cousin, and two closest friends... but they kinda suck at opening up too, and my brother has enough psychological problems. I always get perfectly along with scorpios and capricorns and yin moons bc i understand how underrated and misinterpreted their suffer and pain are

Part 2 And there are these two friends: sag suns with scorpio/pisces moon… and they are so omg im sorry but its so freaking painful. They both have their problems but they both are so fckin shallow seriously. The pisces moon just doesnt understand what life is and is brutally ingenuous. And scorpio moon is such a b**** rly. She has a tough backstory her brother has always been a jerk (he’s mentally ill) And i though she would be great bc she always says she understands pain and etc.Part 3 And here comes the deal: I have been exposed to mentally ill ppl, ocd hysterical and completely evil people who happened to be my beloved family. At 14 I stopped having them and found out they were everything I didn’t expect them to be. I lost my whole childhood (wich happened to be my basic reason to live). At 15 I went to a sports school. They were our friends, we trusted them. One year goes by and once again I am betrayed by my friends and fall on the ground.Part 4 Then, comes the BEST part. As ive said im a scorpio venus. I fell in love at first sight with a boy that totally corresponded. Small detail: he had a gf. He now broke up with her so thats kinda nice (not to sound mean, rly) for me but whatever; I was 15 and I had been betrayed by everyone. At 16 I was dead inside. I didn’t get attached i didnt live i didnt like to be even awake i cries everyday before school and after school and before going to bed.Part 5 I even got to a point of cutting my arms bc i enjoyed knowing the pain i was going through was actually real and not “sumthin you have to go through, its life.” I met the scorpio moon. At first she seemed awesome. Until getting upset at the smallest thing. Im a scorpio dominant and i know i dont need to be like that. I know she just does this because shes immature and has no clue of life. Im sorry im doing this long ask but rly i need help. No one literally no one knows this.Part 6 No one knows i cry no one knows i ever even cut my arms. And no one even notices. Thank god tbh. No one knows and imagines what it is to cry and scream and DIE for a dude you don’t even know. I know it sounds exaggerated but its the truths. I cant fall in love with anybody else since im 15 and im 17 (turning 18 this year) I live in a house ik im moving out of but i dont know when. I live with my mom in my grandmothers and she is also mentally ill. My mom too is always mentally unstablePart 7 She’s been through everything no one should go through. My dad is f****d up with this house and always hides very well we actually don’t have lots of money. My brother is an amazing soul an exceptional person who fell in love almost 5 years ago and still has anxiety bc of what happened (he didn’t know her too) and has too many psychological problems. I’m stuck with myself and no one seems to understand. I’m so sorry for this post. I’m so, so sorry. It’s just I’m done. I’m tired of pplPart 8 Im tired of ppl making me cry Of ppl being shallow Ppl hurting me and seeing me as A B*TCH I just need someone that actually knows. That actually can tell me they understand me and they too hate it all like me. Im so sorry and thank you for having the patience to read this. ❤️💖———————————————————–

It sounds like you’re going through a really challenging time in your life. I know it can seem endless, and it can seem like everyone is out to get you. Once you feel betrayed, it can be hard to trust people again. It is all too easy to be stuck in our own extreme emotions. After losing faith in someone, it’s tempting to write off everyone in your life as fake, shallow, and naive. Constantly replaying the betrayal in your mind will only do you harm. It’ll only make you more angry and more likely to adopt the “me against the world” type of attitude. You’re 17. You’re still young. You still have a long life ahead of you, and it would be remiss of you to go through life with that sort of attitude. You’ve been wronged, and it is alright to acknowledge that, but you must now think about the situation with your heart, perhaps not so much with your heart. The heart can be easily mislead, easily angered, easily fooled, easily spiteful, easily misguided. Consider moving into a stage of forgiveness. Forgiveness in this sense is not saying that those people’s actions were ok, forgiveness is more for your own sake. Start to detach yourself from the pain those actions caused you. Continuing to obsess over the transgressions of others will hinders your own progress. If the wound is to ever heal, you must stop picking at the scab. Let yourself move on. One way you can do that is to write everything down (as you have bravely shared with me, a stranger) on a piece of paper. Write out every hurt, every frustration, everything that keeps you up at night. Then tear it up, burn it, or throw it away. It clears the energy. It’s no longer a problem, it’s out of your head, and you are free to move on. Detach yourself from people you can’t trust. If they’re actively causing drama or unpleasantness, leave the situation. If you can, slowly stop reaching out to them, or say you don’t feel like hanging out. If you want closure, you could meet up with the, to talk. It’s harder when they’re your family members because you can’t really escape them, but you can still with them and talk out your problems. You can say “I’m having a hard time understanding why you did this …” or “I’m confused about this situation…” or “I felt hurt when this happened…”. You must also realize that most people aren’t complete bad. In a lot of what you described, I couldn’t help but think that perhaps some of those people aren’t actively out to get you. I think you may be too close to the situation. I would advise you to get an outside perspective. You reached out to me, and that is a great start, but I only have a limited understanding of the situation, and only from your perspective. I think the best course of action is to seek real, professional help. As someone who harms themself and who is surrounded by the effects of mental illness, I would seriously consider seeking out a therapist or counselor. I am not a professional. I do not know you personally, and so the advice I can offer is very limited. Seeking someone who has gone to school for psychology will be able to help you much more than I can. It is brave of you to share this, and it’s a good sign that you’re willing to reach out to others. Consider asking for professional’s help in your area. Likely your school has access to counselors and can refer you to a full-time therapist.

I really do wish you the best 🌸

[stuprosu]

september 23rd, 2018 12:08 AM

in my last entry, i said that i would not type up another until i had confronted my mother. 

well. over a year later, and here we are. my mother has been confronted, but not by me. i would like to attempt to do an overview of my life the past year. 

a warning. i am in emotional states all the time. if my thoughts dwell on my family members that i miss or events that enrage me, i bring myself to tears within seconds and my head aches and i cannot focus much these days. my depression is at its height but by some fucking miracle i didn’t relapse. i didn’t. i also didn’t have the means as the box cutter disappeared.

i will try to remember the details. i found out recently that untreated mental illness literally erodes away your physical brain and memory. so. forgive me. 

[aug 2017] my birthday passes by with a quiet birthday. we had taken my brother down to his school in hollister. my mom came with us and everybody was uncomfortable. my mother made a scene, asking my father if it was okay to eat the food that came with our air b&b. she was pathetic. i ignored her and shut her out this entire time. the brakes went out in my dad’s yukon. what would have been a fun trip is now spent fixing the yukon and sweating in the car. this trip marks the end of the close relationship i had with my brother for nearly all my life. we’re still close but i see him every three months for a few days at most. this wears on my soul and brings me to tears now. i miss him so god damn much, all the time. anyways. mom moves to atchison. toby goes back and forth each week despite his desire to live with my dad all the time. my mom doesn’t care, doesn’t get a job, can still to this day never pay for anything, such as gas or food for her own son, and constantly pawns my brother off on my father. my littlest brother is 13, now 14, and is still subject to all that. 

[sept 2017] i move into the dorms pretty much by myself. i think my dad brought up my minifridge, but it was sophomore year and no big deal. no one else really said anything, no one else being my extended family. i expect their silence constantly and nothing else except for when it’s “important”. you know, christmas, birthdays, baby showers, all that sort of bullshit. anyways, i start classes and i actually make a ton of new friends in my biology and chemistry classes. amanda, maggie, dev, trent, carter, mackenzie, aaron, all the katies. through them? ameen, meg, brendan, kady. it’s really wonderful. i have a good community. classes are fine. i go home for toby’s homecoming. mom has become the master narcissistic manipulator that she is and is trying to warp everybody’s image of my father and me. she does so within the small, close-minded community we’re from. friends of my family, people i’ve known for years, people i haven’t had conversations with for years, block me on facebook, on all social media. it’s really awful. at homecoming, my mother carpools with us while spouting all that bullshit on facebook and actively shitalking my father. i know that homecoming is going to be fighting between my mother and father. we don’t even make the 10 minute drive to the school before they start in. they begin yelling. oh, i forgot to mention. i told my father about the men my mother had been sexting on facebook with the help of my sister. so my dad knows. he brought those men up. my mom laughs hysterically asks my dad how he knew. he doesn’t respond. my mom asks why my father isn’t stepping up and giving her gas and food money like he should. i ask her why she doesn’t get a job if she’s able to walk 12 miles a day like her facebook posts say she can? my mom scoffs and says, “so you’ve got her on your side too, huh? telling her lies?” this pisses me off as i’m 19 years old at this point, fully capable of thinking, and tell my mom this. i tell her she doesn’t have her family anymore. she tells me thanks and walks away. my mother asks my father to walk with her later on. i tell my sister and cousins the deep gossip. they send their condolences. it’s petty thinking back on it. 

[oct 2017] nothing much happens. i get along fine with my roommate. classes are fine. mom is spouting shit and i just get angrier and angrier. she walks over everybody. all my mom’s family isn’t talking to her. my sister and i bond over the salt. 

[nov 2017] pretty much the same. my cousin has the first grandbaby. she’s cute and i love her and her name is kyah. my cousin salts with me. no one lets my mom know of the baby’s birth until a facebook post a few hours later. pisses my mom off. haha. i think it was around november that a leak sprung up in my room and i was moved. the girl i moved in with is named erin. she’s incredibly rad and understands me pretty deeply. both equal parts oversharing and similar past experiences and we became very important to each other very quickly. i’m also still angry and emotionally distraught all the time and erin helped. she genuinely makes me laugh and was a pillar of support. she knew intricate details better than marissa does. she is easier to talk to than marissa. isn’t that wild? 

[dec 2017] garryck comes for christmas. i am still working. i do good in classes. i have a crush on my friend carter in my chemistry class but nothing happened with that and i’m at the point where i just appreciate the aesthetic and his personality yknow. anyways. we have christmas with my mom’s family but don’t invite my mom. shitty, yeah? who the fuck cares. i am able to tell erin about all this in full detail. i have never been so fully understood by another person outside of my family. it’s really incredible. 

[jan 2018] nothing really happens. normal month, normal me, whomst this. nah, i’m still angry all the fucking time. every little thing sets me off. it all stems from my mother and what she is still actively doing, besmirching my father and i. it’s awful awful awful shit. 

[feb 2018] something of importance happens. those first few months, i was always able to rely on my mom’s side of the family to vent and shit and i still am, but not with my sister. my sister got pregnant in december and february was when the prospect of having a child really got to her. and she didn’t want to do it alone. she didn’t want to do it without my mom. so my sister really, really pressured me into making up with my mom, to sweep everything away, to rewire my brain and change my chemical makeup and forget all my god fucking awful memories and somehow muster up the strength to speak to my mother without wanting to deck her. it doesn’t work. the kid won’t bring us together. spoiler: he doesn’t. my sister stops talking to me. she is easily manipulated. she beings believing the shit my mom says about my dad, her stepfather. it’s all shit. 

i think this went down in february. my memory is foggy. erin meets my friends and there’s awkwardness. erin occasionally makes me uncomfortable. she made them uncomfortable. i have to talk to her all the time. i have to compose myself all the time and be around her all the time and. and i dont think i could take it. i’m a really awful person, you know? i have been this past year. anger and malice has been eating away at me for so long and i am so tired. so... i switched rooms without telling erin why. she asked and asked and pestered and insulted until i finally laid it out. she apologized. she said she would change. she said she didn’t realize. she said she was sorry and sorry and sorry. i left her on read for six months. i ignored her in between classes and at meals. i became a real fucking asshole. i cut off one of my closest friends. 

[march 2018] the shit with toby goes down. i won’t bother logging it here. buchanan county courthouse already has. but it puts a strain on things. mom wants to move back to kansas kansas. like the shawnee mission area. dad does too. dad wants to leave rushville and missouri. they begin arguing about schools. mom wants wellsville, a hick town of hick people and hick classes and hick education, the worst. my dad wants a normal functioning school where toby can be a normal non-hick. so does literally everyone, even my mom’s friends. my dad gets laid off. he is struggling to make ends meet. 

[april 2018] my dad begins talk to me about rehoming my dogs and our cats. the thought really fucking tears at my heart. he wants to leave rushville so bad and go back to his friends and his life before my mom, before everything went to shit for him. i could not imagine being my father and living in that house all completely by myself. the house that held my family of 5 people, two dogs, three cats, birds, fish, loud, furniture everywhere, home everywhere, music everywhere. his family. everywhere. and that house without my brothers and me and mom became a husk. a ghost of his life when it was bad but it was full and it was full of life and it was full of his children and their voices and their music and god do i fucking miss it so fucking much i miss that so fucking much and i can’t spend my nights alone without thinking about things used to be and i miss everything so much i miss everyone so much. i was so afraid of my father killing himself after being laid off and facing massive amounts of debt that he called his father, whom he hadn’t spoken to in nineteen years, for help, only to be met with silence. he didn’t though. he had three children who loved him so fucking much and relied on him for everything and everything was him and he was everything and is everything to me and there’s no one on this godforsaken planet that i love more than my father. while untreated, my life would end with his. i think he knew that. i was so afraid of my mother killing herself because that would be completely and totally my fault but how could i prevent that? i need to turn off the smiths right now. 

i need to breathe. i need to ground myself. i need to remember it is going to be okay. april was okay. nothing happened major.

[may 2018] nothing happens here. school ends. dad has been hanging out with his friends, one of them being amy and her family. oh, my mom through all of this has been disagreeing to settlements and therefore heavily delaying the actual divorce and has been doing that since sept 2017. my parents didn’t get officially divorced until aug 2018. that’s how much of a cunt she is. my dad’s two greatest friends are amy and marilee. they’re really really really wonderful women who help my dad and help me and family and i don’t know them that well but they’d do anything for my brothers and me. they’re true friends, good kind souls that fill this world. amy is also going through a divorce. my dad and her bond over that. but they don’t see each other. they don’t date, despite my mom’s best efforts to convince the world they’ve been having a 12 year long affair and amy’s youngest is actually my dad’s. oh well, haha. my mom’s a dumb petty bitch. anyways. we go to amy’s mom’s lakehouse and have a really good time swimming in the water. garryck comes up from school for a few weeks and brings his friends and it’s all a really wonderful time and we spend weekends out there and amy’s mom nancy is a wonderful woman and everything is great. 

[june 2018] summer is still great. i work all the time. i move into an apartment in saint joseph with my friends kady and ashleigh. everything is good. we split it. jyro moves with me. everything is really great and nice. the summer is nice. i don’t hear much above my mom. living on my own, it was like. yknow. The Milestone. The last one that separated me from my adolescence. i see my dad about every two weeks on the weekends i don’t work. it is a good routine and it really really messes with me if i don’t see them at least every two weeks. i can see the damage to my mental state. it gets the worst right before i go and visit them, when it’s been the longest. i just love sitting and  chatting with my papa. i feel like it makes me whole, complete, recharged and energized. i love him so much. the summer is bliss. the summer is great. i pay rent and become and adult and bills and everything is good. 

[july 2018] my mother moves to wellsville and moves in with a guy down there, so the dumb bitch loses her alimony lmaooo. however this means there is now an hour and something odd drive between my mother and father’s house, where toby must be transported. my mother can’t even afford her phone bill, so there’s no way she can afford the gas for this. of course, my father transports him, because he’s working odd jobs constantly and stressed about not being able to find a job and i get that second hand anxiety because i want him to be okay and i want to live an easy life without stress and he can’t do that with my leeching mother. breathes. anyways. she moves toby down there without telling him that doesn’t go well and that pisses me off royally and everything is rough for a few moments. i don’t ever talk to my mom. i block her on facebook. i think my sister’s baby shower is this month. i spend the days prior with my aunts and cousins helping set up. i was also sick and pretty useless. anyways, we salt about my mom because she’s not communicated about shit and everyone is upset with her and not talking to her so i’m just drinking the tea at this point in time.  baby shower is fine, sister is exasperated with lack of a relationship with my mom, the thing goes fine, whatever. nothing really else happens in july. i bought my dad a hat for his birthday. 

[august 2018] wooooooooooo birthday month. also a really awful month. my brother went back to school. my dad rehomed both my dogs to new homes, but at least they’re together. that was really really really really really rough and i miss those pups so fucking much and i am so angry at the situation at everything at everything at everything i miss my dogs. i had to rehome my ferrets. i did that by myself. a rescue in liberty took them. i miss those fuckers so much. but they’re in a better place. my dad also rehomed our two other cats. i did not get to say goodbye. i don’t know where they went and i can’t visit them like i can the dogs. it really really gets to me sometimes, thinking i was so important in their lives and now i’m gone. i got a card from work for my birthday. marissa and ashleigh took me out to dinner. some cards and a bunch of facebook posts. school starts back up. i see my old college friends that i genuinely miss. i see erin in one of my classes and i realize how much i miss her, but she looks at me with so much resentment. i fucked up so bad. but i missed her and i needed. well i wanted our friendship back. it wouldn’t be the same, no, but god do i  need all the help i can get traversing my fucked up life. so i sent her this long ass message, explaining myself, my mistakes, why i fucked up, why i was so immature, why i was a total asshole for no reason. she took me back and i am so happy. our friendship is so good again. i love having her back and i think about the good things in my life like that a lot. toby started at wellsville, much to everyone’s chagrin. my sister has her baby. his name is bentley. he is very cute and i love him. my sister does not talk to me or my dad as much. i think she is slowly cutting us away. i try not to think about it.

[sept 2018] my dad did get a new job and apartment actually in august but i’ve already typed this and ya bitch lazy. hence all the rehoming. he gets health insurance october first. i am so ready to go to the doctor again and get my thyroid and my depression treated. i don’t remember a lot of things from my childhood anymore and it is scaring me and i think my depression is causing it. though i am not a doctor. this boy sam is talking to me and goes to my uni but we haven’t met in person, though i think he likes me. i am not sure. 

life is okay right now. i am sitting in my dad’s apartment waiting for him to get off work at 2am. i have been watching rick and morty and shitty teenage romcoms all day. i am really exhausted right now but i’m waiting for him. i hope things get better for me. they’re okay right now. i am going to see the national october 7th. i saw modest mouse back in may. that was really fantastic. i don’t have to retake chemistry 120. i have my cat. my monstera has new growth. halloween is soon. there are a lot of good things right now. i just heard matt’s “hey baby” in nobody else will be there. what else do i need right now?

hopefully i’m treated soon and will keep up with this better

xox lex

[survivor-all-stars-blog]

EP 7: "Today Was 100% Certified Garbage" - Abbey [ PART II ]

hopefully i stay but i feel like the thing with jessy mightve fucked me over but idk. it might be 2-1-1 with me going on jannu which rlly fucking sucks but idk if i should just take a chance on mj and kait, or vote mj with ruthie. in game a im lit just restraining myself from voting jack bc as much as i want to bc i trust him the least, rumors have spread that me and abbey are close, so id like to vote her out so i can shed those rumors. i just want to make it by tonight, but i dont even know if that will happen. if it doesnt happen ill be rlly rlly sad and this games already fucking me up

To quote a queen Miss Kim Woodburn there are a lot of chicken livered shits hanging around. I mean maybe the best option isn't to move with me because I totally biased and I am always the best option but seriously y'all are gonna let two people run two tribes simultaneously cuz you're "too afraid" to cause a little stir? Please. We're dwindling to 14 after this it isnt as if you're gonna be the only one sending waves after this tribal. You will be number 3, that's the tea. So enjoy your beige edits of blandness because y'all were too big of all-stars to make a move against the obvious clique! Bye!

Not Miss Jenn coming to me after I write a bad confessional thinking Owen is flaky and wanting to vote out Gage? Shook I am! Logan hun get you're ass online so she can talk to you. Also me being flaky with Gage and possible voting him out I'm a hysterical mess if this comes through with 25 minutes remaining. I really don't want Owen to have the gratification of a straight vote. If Logan doesn't show I hope Jenn bites the bullet and votes them out. 

matt going off about no one making moves? VERY very relatable to me and my game

I love people who are unnecessarily fake fucks!

That was a wild and fun ride and Carson REALLY threw me for a loop that round, I guess not everyone can be like my lovely Alex and our The Family Alliance with Richie and Lena.  Either way, I loved being a part of Survivor: All Stars and blindside or not it was one of the best games I've played, I can't wait to watch the rest of the season unfold! AND TO CARSON, KAIT AND MJ: DARREN IS MINE AND WELL-

I continually gave Jake everything I own and my first born child and he continues to shit on it. 

surviving a quad tribal unscathed with 0 votes against me. jessy was lost in the process but, i'm still trucking on. so? i gotta hurry up and get ready for this swap??? so i can STAY in this game. bc guess what?

wowowi should have told carson that it was jack who was spreading the rumours about me wowow. carson also doesnt believe that im not mad at him but im really super not. seeing jack throw a fit in the one world chat reminded me that people take these games a smidge too seriously and its honestly giving me heartburn. people needa calm down it isnt that deep

I AM SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!   AHHHHH OMG I HAVE TO WIN THIS.  I HAVE TO COME BACK AND GET MY REVENGE ON THAT FREAKING WINNERS ALLIANCE, I KNEW I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THEM. I ALREADY SEE CARSON IN MY PM'S I CAN'T WAIT TO GET HIM OUT FIRST BAHAHAHAHA OKAY, so yeah, I really hope I win this thing, I'll do it when I'm more calm.

so i didnt understand the challenge and literally cant count without having panick attacks so fuck that shit. Im mad at jack for being a baby and throwing a fit for doin the exact same thing that he did to me. im mad at ricardo for being so extra and petty to me and im mad at everyone else in this game just for the sake of being angry. I dont give a shit that I got voted out thats whatever. I jsut dont see the fucking point in being rude to people over a fake game of internet survivor. like its not that deep calm the fuck down. treat people with respect maybe??? a wild concept 

So, im having a hard time. I got voted out twice, and i have a chance to come back. I actually had to sit and think about this a lot. MY mental state is shit right now, and im busy as hell, and i have been unanimously voted out by my two tribes. I had to think if it was really worth it, but after that I remembered, this is AllStars. I might be a trainwreck, and i might be a bit of a clueless mess, but so was I in UI and Sicily, and i almost won one of those and sicily, even tho there were much better people, i think i did pretty great. There's always a chance to turn shit around, and i just hope i can actually do it. Wish me luck at the challenge, because i refuse to go down without a fight

these have no correlation to each other but they're both the result of a lack of sleep and excess stress