#and then when shit hits the fan he gets to be a Certified Badass and whips out the big guns with the cockiest grin you've ever seen

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

sorry im coping with aus again oopsie daisy. anyway here's my take on a fantasy au

it all started with me rewatching the D&D movie and thinking "hm. what (broad) classes would the neighbors have?"

and after much thinking i came to the conclusion: Barnaby = Bard / Eddie = Paladin / Sally = Sorcerer / Julie = fighter / Frank = monk / Howdy = Artificer / Poppy = Healer / Wally = 'Wizard'

those seem fitting! BUT i don't like restrictions or rules so in this very light worldbuilding for a casual (strongly glaring at myself here) CASUAL au, it's only dnd-esque. not actually dnd yk yk

in my head, they're not technically puppets for this au. they're flesh and blood, they've got bones, etc. they're actual Creatures, though they still look like Them! Julie's still pink w/ candy-corn-horns! Frank is still a gray tube! Barnaby is a big blue dog! they're just... not puppets. it's the same for the other beings in this fantasy world - they all keep the style, but they're all flesh n' blood if that makes sense. a cartoony fantasy world

so they have their little found family adventuring group titled, of course, The Neighborhood. because when they were first forming, Wally went "oh! are we a neighborhood? i've always wanted neighbors!" and it Stuck. so they all lovingly refer to each other as neighbors, even though the closest they get to being actual neighbors is pitching their tents next to each other & staying at an Inn in neighboring rooms

like your classic group of adventurers, they're almost constantly on the move. the longest they stay in one place is a couple of months - the rest of the time they're wandering! they take quests, get roped into general Shenanigans, etc. they adventure! and get into a lot of battles of varying severity

so Barnaby is still kiiiiind of a bard? best i can describe him is jack-of-all-trades moral support! he provides battle music, keeps the mood light, and stands off to the side to offer quips and tips. he prefers not to fight, and only Gets Involved when the others need Backup. even then, he usually takes the role of defending his neighbors. he has a good eye for whether or not physical support is needed - he never needs to be asked when there's a legitimate need for him! unless he's thoroughly distracted from the goings-on. he does have magic, but it's more for show / defense-based

Eddie's still pretty classically a paladin. healing powers, armor, there to be on the front lines and Protect! the group's sword and shield! he technically serves a god but he forgot who <3 he just makes the occasional general offering and mumbles some vague prayer. he's super friendly! super helpful! super willing to dive into the line of fire! Will disregard his own safety without a second thought! his magic is pretty much restricted to healing, and it's weak healing at that (maybe because he can't properly serve his god...), so it's mostly good for quick mid-battle heals and little wounds. temporary fixes!

Sally has innate fire/light magic, and she's very showy with it! she puts Flair and Pizazz into all of her casts and is very dramatic on the battlefield - she manages to turn her fights into a performance. She tag-teams keeping the Neighborhood entertained with Barnaby. he handles the humor/lightheartedness, she handles the escapism/encouragement. she writes scripts & stories in her off-time, and often reads them (or spins a new one) after dinner. when they have weeks / month breaks in one spot, sometimes she'll recruit local thespians to create a play

Frank is all about that hand-to-hand combat babey! he wants to feel bones break under his fists! he wants those split knuckles! he very often starts fights, and even more often finishes them - what he lacks in raw power he makes up for in vicious tenacity. he just Keeps On Going! he seconds as the group's Knowledge Guy. while his hobby is studying insects, he also catalogues/studies monsters and enemies and terrain so that the Neighborhood can always be prepared. the only time he stays out of fights is when he's researching or note-taking. he tries to micromanage the battle from afar anyway

Julie is like... put a druid, a fighter, and a barbarian in a blender. she's got a big sword! she's got seemingly endless energy in battle! she can talk to plants, especially flowers! her flora magic is very minor, so it's not like she's making giant roots burst out of the ground and strangle people. but plants can give her information, and if she asks nicely and they feel like it, sometimes they'll help her out. in battle she's a force to be reckoned with! nothing will stop her and her sword! she's usually the second (closely following Frank, with Eddie hot on her heels) Neighbor charging into battle - but she's the one with the stellar war cry! & where Sally and Barnaby tend to the Neighborhood's emotional wellbeing & entertainment, Julie keeps things fresh with Physical Activities during their downtime!

Poppy is a powerful healer! she draws on an individual's energy (often taps into her own as well) to convert it into healing power. it's draining but it's damn good healing! she also takes the role of the Neighborhood's cook (the others still like to help, especially Frank who is essentially her sous-chef) and makes sure they're all healthy. she hangs back during battles, waiting to (and hoping that she doesn't have to) heal a wounded Neighbor. if one of them is badly hit, she forces herself to run into battle and drag them to safety before working on their injury. she has a tiny bit of illusion magic, which she'll cast from afar to assist her Neighbors. she tries not to use it outside of emergencies - it takes a lot of energy, which she tries to conserve just in case.

Howdy has Zero Magic! none! four hands and none of them are magical! however, he's a damn good inventor & a whiz at potion making. he can Use magical items like there's no tomorrow - he just can't wield it himself. he supplies the group with potions, helpful items, all sorts of goodies - given that they can trade for it with anything he'd accept in-canon. the only exception is when they're mid-battle - he hands stuff out when needed without haggle. he supplies the group with their cash when they're not getting it from looting/quests - he has a magic backpack that can unfold into a fully-stocked merchant stall! he sells at towns, on the road, anywhere he can! In battle he hangs back with Poppy and, yes, supplies items, but he also uses ranged attacks - magical weapons that cast for him, magic 'bombs', that sort of thing! but there's a little secret - he's the Neighborhood's secret weapon. he invented fantasy guns! four magic revolvers that, when the 'second safety' is turned off, multiply into a giant clusterfuck of guns (with ammo ranging from magic 'bullets' to essentially rocket launchers). unfortunately he can only use this setting once & for a limited time before the guns overload & have to be manually repaired. so he either uses them off of the first safety (i.e, they're 'normal'), or not at all. you know shit is Really hitting the fan when he joins a fight

and Wally! Wally Wally Wally... you may have noticed that i put his class 'wizard' in quotes. that's because he says he's a wizard, but he's not! he just says he's one due to the automatic stigma and fear of what he really is - a Warlock! his patron is Home, an eldritch horror that many would classify as a demon. they have a very special, codependent pact that neither of them can live without - Wally wears their 'seal' as a house-shaped pendant on a choker (necklace) hidden under his clothes. Home is extraordinarily powerful, but Wally barely taps into that power. he has a grimoire that Home inscribed with a bunch of sigils that convert into spells when drawn & then cast in the air. the only other powers he uses are seeing-in-the-dark, seeing-magic, and opening teleportation doors! Wally can't sleep, but he can doze - though he's never fully unaware of his surroundings (its kind of like how dolphins only sleep with one half of their brain). he still eats with his eyes, which both feeds him & acts as a form of providing daily energy to Home, since Home can't exactly consume souls every day. If Wally uses too much magic, he has to rest inside of Home's house-form, which is the only time he actually fully sleeps. no one knows about Home, or that Wally is lying about his wizard status.

Home is a lovecraftian being with three forms. the first is the lowest power level - a cute one-room house with Eyes! i.e: Home Classic! Wally's pendant unfolds into it, and it's the main way Wally and Home physically interact & communicate. the second is possession - if Wally explicitly allows it, Home can completely take over his body and kind of 'tuck him away' to have a nice deep nap while Home takes the reins (Home can technically force this, but it's very difficult and would not go over well w/ Wally - it would also be an unstable possession). the third is Home's true form - a massive shadowy eldritch monster made of writhing darkness and nightmares that no one in their right mind would look at, let alone fight. Home has very complicated feelings about Wally & the Neighborhood. they are also, quite literally, Wally's heart - which is part of their pact.

i have some scene ideas & little Plot Concepts (most notably the times the Neighborhood learns two Very Big Secrets about Wally, one of which being the warlock/Home reveal).

but yeah that's moooostly it. basic stuff yk, not very in depth! just fun things to feed my maladaptive daydreaming & escapism

[solarianvoidthearoace]

Okay, listen– Listen! Seeing videos like this I can’t dislike Ran, she’s a strong and powerful female character. She’s badass and she’s iconic and an inspiration for little girls. (Not kidding.)

She can fight, she powers through, she can knock down guys like houses of cards. She is a certified badass woman and inspiring both due to her femininity combined with her martial arts proficiency. Because she is feminine and still wipes the floor with your average criminal.

She is whiny at times, pining for “her” Shinichi but that’s fine, I can handle a whiny main girl and strong lead woman character if they are one and the same.

I am not much of a fan of her pining and her getting whiny/ crying for Shinichi every chance she gets. Still, I respect her as a strong female character.

However, towards the end of the video… those are the scenes why I – personally – consider ShinRan to be toxic and borderline abusive.

I had originally posted this in a reblog on my KID movie poll but finding this video gave me an incentive to make it its own post.

Aside from this video, one example is the after-credit of movie 3 with Ran straight-up threatening to physically abuse Shinichi. Like, folks, that’s my main reason I dislike her.

Ran started out as a strong female character, which is awesome, but over the years she descended to 1) “Save us, Shinichi!~” and 2) physically abusive

I get that she’s whiny at times and while I generally dislike whiny characters (see Martin from TMA), I can handle that

I can handle the Main Girl(tm) being whiny and pining for Shinichi

But that drive to keep her a strong female character who needs no man lead to her being increasingly physically abusive. She cries and pines, fine.

But then Shinichi does show up and what does Ran do? Either first thing, she hits him for being away for so long. Or she slaps/ hits him when he tells her he has to go back to his case and can’t stay. I understand her upset, I understand her pining.

Nobody has a right to vent their upset through physical abuse, though.

But a girl who can knock down a lamp-post, who can kick a man trough a window, ESPECIALLY has no right to raise her hand against her love-interest!

That’s one of the first things every martial art ever teaches you, do not resort to violence if there is even a sliver of another safe option.

I get that Kogoro knocking Conan about was played for shits and giggles, it’s a thing of that time when the manga/ anime started out. And accordingly Ran venting her upset through physical violence also was a product of that time and result of portraying her as the strong/ physically tough lead girl.

But she is his love interest for crying out loud and among many other scenes the after-credit of movie 3 emphasises that Shinichi is scared of her hitting him as soon as he gets back.

That’s not funny!

Physical abuse is not funny. And a strong female character directing physical abuse at her no-show love interest doesn’t make it funny.

My main ship always has been and always will be KaiShin. But I also know that would never become canon because DCMK doesn’t do queer. It’s “kid-friendly”, it can’t do queer.

But for goodness’ sake do I wish – desperately wish – the Main Couple became MasuShin instead. Masumi is on-par with him, she’s quick-witted, she’s silly, I love her queer vibes, and she understands/ encourages Shinichi every step of the way.

That’s another thing! Ran despises Shinichi’s work. It’s a common motive in fanfic (hence played up) that she forbids him from taking cases. But her dislike for his work – his passion his calling – is there.

I just can’t see ShinRan be healthy. And that opinion hasn’t changed in the 14 years I have been watching Detective Conan.

Edited to add:

I also want to clarify that I am not basing my opinion off the movies (alone), in fact, any DCMK movie outside the KID movies, movie 3 specifically, and movie 18 onwards, I haven’t watched in years. I am referencing movie 3 specifically because I recently watched it but this behaviour certainly is in the anime/ manga/ canon as well. The London Arc, that restaurant date in a skyscraper where he stood her up and Conan had to apologise (which also got used for an opening/ ending), the early episodes where Shinichi makes a comeback, the “Murder Suspect: Kudo Shinichi” Arc where he hides from Ran, and that’s just off the top of my head because I was on a fandom-hiatus for around 2 years and don’t care enough for ShinRan to rewatch these things.

I’m so sorry (sarcasm) that I didn’t provide receipts for my critique of Ran. But I’m also not about to go through the series for the entire purpose of making an itemised list of Ran abusing/ hitting Shinichi. If I do a rewatch from the early episodes on, I might keep a notepad handy and jot down the instances of Ran smacking Shinichi but don’t hold your breath because I tend to avoid the romance-heavy episodes in general, no matter the pair.

[justasimplesinner]

I CANNOT get this phrase out of my head.

The big boys reaction their s/o telling someone rude to, and I quote "Choke on a sandpaper cock"

I love this quote so much, you don't even understand

Bane's s/o being a badass hcs:

Bane had his group of trusted men, the henchmen he kept close to himself at all times and that were always a part of his crew. but his plans sometimes require a bit more hired muscle, so he gathers some henchmen for hire. he only does a basic background check on those to see if they'll be useful, other than that, he doesn't pay them much mind as long as they get the job done. and so, he had no idea what kinds of people they actually were

and, as it turned out, one of them was a certified asshole and a very insistent flirt. you didn't want to bother Bane with the fact that one measly henchman with his brain half-rotten was trying to get into your pants. as long as he didn't overstep, it was fine, it was just talking (although to Bane, the mere fact that he was hitting on you would be overstepping, and you simply didn't want any unnecessary drama)

but enough was enough, and when that exact asshole decided to do exactly the thing that'd put a target on his back - overstep. neither of you realised Bane had just come out of his makeshift office to check on how the crew, and maybe that was why the insistent guy thought it was a very good idea to crank his "flirting" up a notch and smack your ass. immediately, his offending arm was in your tight grip, your face inches away from his. "you know you like it, babe, don't deny it" - that was what riled you up the most. his fucking cheek. so it was only natural that seconds later, your fist connected with his stupid face as you spat out "choke on a sandpaper cock, asshole" straight at him, straightening your clothes and about to go on your merry way

and then, your eyes locked with your beloved, and before a minute could've passed, his booming laughter revebrated off the walls of the warehouse. and let me tell you one thing, you were about to be generously rewarded for your undying loyalty to him, if you know what i mean

Croc's s/o being a badass hcs:

we all know people weren't too nice to Waylon. all his life, he's been ridiculued and insulted. at this point, the jabs don't really get to him that much, he's accepted the fact that he's a monster. but they got to you. you, who knew that a monster is the furthest thing from what he truly was

Narrows were a place where many individuals could be found, and possibly the only place that had dingy, hole-in-the-wall bars that would host Waylon. people there just didn't have the strength to care about shit like this. and so, you and Croc made a habit of coming over to a bar every now and again, just to go out somewhere where he wouldn't be judged or, at least, where he wouldn't be kicked out and sold to the cops

but even that small piece of heaven was taken away from you. all it took was one fucking drunk to ruin a moderatively nice evening. one wasted fucking dude that seemed to have a death wish and decided it was his responsibility to remind Waylon why he prefered to keep to himself in the sewers than go out among people. this stumbling, bumbling fool that thought calling your man an abomination and a pain to look at was a great fucking idea and he was fulfilling his civic duty

Waylon didn't even have time to react, nobody did, before you were all up in his face, his drink spilt on his shirt, flailing and positively fuming as you used the most creative insults under the sun to remind that fucker of his place in the food chain, "choke on a sandpaper cock" being a clear fan favourite, if the laughs and cheers around you indicated anything. and let me tell you, Waylon has never felt so loved and appreciated as then. oh, he's going to make this up to you, just you wait. you'll see just how grateful he is for you

[jngles]

Thoughts You Definitely All Asked For on ‘The Mandalorian’ Season 2 Finale!!

These are in chronological order for the show.

One of my biggest fears about them reintroducing Boba Fett was that by removing some of his mystery, they would make him less cool. Thank god that has not been the case. He’s still an aloof and nasty piece of work but with dimensions added.

We all know the Empire is most often a metaphor for America right? At least when it’s not being Nazi Germany? The Imperial pilot talking about destroying an entire planet (of peaceful weaponless civilians no less) to stop terrorism hits a little too close to home of the nuclear bombs the US has dropped and the endless destruction of the Middle East in the “war against terror.” And of course we frame all our wars in similar language like “our troops died to keep our country safe,” which hasn’t really been true since WWII.

I do think it’s worth noting that this is the first time SW has had someone acknowledge the human losses of the Death Star blasts. Usually it’s framed as a loss in construction time, strategical advantage, and power. The Empire proved time and time again that the lives of its soldiers were utterly expendable, which always made me question why people remained loyal outside of fear. Through this pilot’s phrasing, you can see the propaganda Imperial superiors used to twist the truth to their followers, always blaming those deaths on Rebel aggression instead of prideful Imperial neglect (I.e. not abandoning ship when there was still time) or even direct Imperial aggression like Operation Cinder where they fired on thousands of their own (discussed in S2E7.)

You can’t tell me Din wasn’t into it when Cara shot that asshole pilot. That cold faced revenge shot? 100% Mandalorian style, and also very very hot.

I appreciate that it was a pretty equal match between Boba and Koska Reeves. So much of Boba’s advantage comes from his suit, but since she also has one, it’s a battle of wits on how to use it, and they even out. This both maintains his legendary badassery and also that of highly trained Mandalorian warriors, and hopefully avoids asshole chauvinist SW fans on the internet complaining abujt “pandering to feminism” (fuck off @ all of them, especially since Mercedes Vernado who plays Reeves is a WWE champ and could kick all of your asses.)

Din point blank asked how many Death Troopers there are and Dr. Pershing never answered, and that annoys me.

Why is no one suspicious why Dr. Pershing is being so helpful and revealing so much information? He totally did not have to tell them about the Dark Troopers or any of the specifics of locations on the ship. He’s still with the empire post-fall, implying he’s a loyalist, so... wtf on his part (since no tricks come of it), and “be smarter” on the part of everyone else. Unless he’s been captive as a clone engineer all this time. But couldn’t he have made his escape back in Season 1 when Din killed everyone at that lab to get the kid back?

Bo Katan really could’ve just told them how the retrieval of the dark saber needs to work in the flight before the mission instead of being vague about “he belongs to me.”

Boba Fett’s usage of “Princess” and “don’t worry about me” are a good throwback to Han Solo and the culture they both grew up in. You can never quite tell if it’s based in misogyny or resentment for upper classes, but both of them seem to use it as a shield for begrudging respect they hold for a woman they think is brave but following a fool’s errand (the Rebellion and retaking Mandalore).

The Comms Officer (Katy O’Brian) assisting Moff Gideon will forever and always look like Ilana Glazer to me, and then I get swept up imagining what would happen if the Broad City cast accidentally got transported to Star Wars.

The launch tube sequence has some amazing cinematography.

The second I saw Boba was cut off from the pack, I really thought they were going to kill him again and make his return bittersweet. Glad they didn’t.

God this team of Bo Katan, Koska Reeves, Fennec Shand, and Cara Dune is SO BADASS. I’m just obsessed with all these characters and their various motivations to get shit done. I honestly didn’t even think about the fact it’s all women until my re-watch, showing that the writers made it feel natural, the way women deserve to have their representation done. You can bet I am SO EXCITED for my future daughter and the wealth of possibilities she’s going to have of characters to play pretend as, action figures she can relate to, Halloween costumes to wear, etc. It’s so validating that we’ve gone from only Princess Leia as a female main character to all these women + Rey, Jyn Erso, Ahsoka, etc. etc.

Can’t wait for the trap remix of the Dark Trooper activation noises. (And the transition from that to the minimalist flute theme is perfect.)

The spy movie version of the main theme music is sick.

The Dark Trooper droid faces have a lot of similarity to Darth Vader’s mask. That callback is especially apparent when the one is literally lit from the inside with fire. He was already a martyr/legend to the Imperial remnants, Kylo Ren didn’t start the trend of ignoring his redemption.

Cara’s “excuse me” right before shooting up Stormtroopers is hilarious. Literally “can’t talk rn, doing hot girl shit and murdering space Nazis.”

Finally an Imperial ship got some frickin security cameras. Truly- the amount of times people just wander down hallways they’re not supposed to be in with no one being able to find them throughout the course of Star Wars is ridiculous when you think about the degree of surveillance our real life society carries out. I also love that this means The Mandalorian characters have also seen The Mandalorian.

The storytelling does such a service to Pedro Pascal and his already heroic efforts to portray emotion through a helmet. For example: Din easily could’ve killed the one stormtrooper outside Grogu’s cell much more efficiently, but instead, to show his absolute rage, they wrote in Din choking him out with a spear.

Moff Gideon would have been the BIGGEST pain in the ass in philosophy class. “Assume I know everything” my ass. I want to hear about his backstory (he would’ve been “coming of age” at the time of the Clone Wars) mostly just to hear about him getting bullied at school.

Smart move honestly, to try to tempt Din with the Mandalorian throne, given the Mandalorian power struggles of the past. Proud of our boy for keeping his priorities straight.

So has the blood from Grogu been transferred out of the ship and back to the remnant empire already, or do they have to find a new “donor” to help with building Snoke and Palpatine’s clones? Will they continue to go after him with Luke?

Lmao Din being so annoyed by Bo Katan being stringent about the tradition of winning the Dark Saber through combat is HILARIOUS, coming from a man who up until like a day ago hadn’t shown his face to a living being in decades.

The dark troopers can punch in blast doors but NOT Din’s helmet?? That’s a wild testament to beskar. Somehow that’s the comparison that sticks out to me, more even than its resistance to lightsabers.

This show works because of the cynicism of so many characters adding contrast to the moments of heart. Cara Dune is not a “fan” the way Rey was (for the record I love Rey, don’t come at her, it’s just different). Cara doesn’t see an X-Wing and go OMG THE REBELLION I LOVE THEM. She’s been through too much to believe in the magic saviourism of the “good guys,” and is instead thinking strategically when she, the one Rebel present, brushes off the usefulness of “one X-Wing.” The only positive things she seems to feel in battle situations are moments of relief and brief satisfaction in hurting the empire, with a dark knowledge that it will never make up for the hurt they did to her.

How do you keep a cloak hood on while fighting? Both from a technical standpoint (my hats fall off without me even having to move- is he expending force energy just to keep it on and look cool lol?) and also because idk, maybe it’s just me, but peripheral vision is helpful when surrounded by killer robots on a thin bridge above oblivion. I know his first lesson was to “see” through the force, but every resource helps, right?

Now that she has the ship, I wonder if Bo Katan can reprogram any salvageable Dark Troopers to help with retaking Mandalore?

There is nothing like seeing Luke’s fighting style, with its efficient choppiness and twinge of darkness. I always wonder how much is natural and how much is influenced by his first fights with Vader (that Skywalker diva flair). I love how they’ve advanced his technique but also kept him extremely “grey” here- like to straight up COMBUST a Dark Trooper takes some violent energy lol.

How tf is Moff Gideon alive after threatening Grogu’s life twice directly? That’s a wild testament to Din’s regard for Cara.

I love how seeing Luke slice through a bunch of murder droids like butter probably was a huge point in his favor for Din actually letting Grogu go with him. Like he will only send his child to boarding preschool if he knows the teacher will be a certified killing machine.

Oh my god they finally brought in some OG Star Wars theme music for Luke to take his hood off to 😭 It felt weird seeing him fight to different music, so the emotional payoff is huge when his themes come back for the face reveal.

Whoever added the digital young Mark Hamill face NAILED those classic shining Luke eyes and the earnest eyebrow lift.

Whoever shines the glass of Baby Yoda’s lil puppet eyeballs each day deserves a raise. The light caught in those babies is devastating.

Din is shaking as he takes off his helmet. This is the most enormous show of love he could give him, and possibly the last he’ll be able to for a long time. He only just got Grogu back and is desperate for a moment of real connection before letting him go once again.

This is the first time anyone has touched Din’s face since... likely his parents as a child.

Whoever wrote this scene clearly actually has kids. Anyone who’s ever had to leave a young child even just to go out for a bit or to drop them off somewhere knows that heartbreak of seeing them look in your eyes and hold on to your leg, trying to keep you with them. Especially when they can sense your mutual separation anxiety. The one thing that starts to make them feel better is something fun like a new toy or friend who can be their guide in the new environment, and R2’s friendly introduction is exactly that (since digital Luke isn’t being particularly emotive or child friendly... I hope that’s just because he’s reaching into Grogu’s mind while also keeping an eye on the multiple people with guns trained on him, not because he’s going to be totally unfeeling raising this kid.)

I love that Grogu and R2 are immediately buddies in contrast to Episode 5 when R2 was like “fuck this guy” @ Yoda stealing food and hitting him with a walking stick lol. I would imagine Luke must be reminded of that first introduction too and entertained by this display of playfulness in a *positive* light between R2 and mini-Yoda.

I need to know if Luke and Ahsoka have met- it is KILLING ME.

Does this mean Grogu will get killed by Kylo Ren when he fucks up Luke’s academy??? I will reincarnate Ben just to kill him again if that’s the case.

How does Luke not even fully SMILE at Grogu?? An adorable little baby version of his beloved master Yoda, and you’re telling me he doesn’t have the same heart stopping gasp we all did when we first saw him?? Maybe he did when they first connected through the force. He has a bit of bemusement on his face, and also wonder in his eyes, but I want a grin of recognition and welcome, dammit.

I really wish Luke had somehow acknowledged Cara Dune. Everyone else seems to see the tear drop Rebel sign and know it means Alderaan. He could’ve been like yo I have a badass warrior sister from your planet that you should meet. Or just “thank you for your service.” (I know this actually wouldn’t have been cinematically good but my heart wants it.)

Luke didn’t tell Din his name?? Or ask for any details about the kid and his care?? I could literally never let my kid go with someone, regardless of how worthy, and not be like, “Excuse me sir who are you and where tf are you taking my tiny beloved green goblin in case I need to find him? Here is my contact info. He likes to eat frogs and eggs, and he can have macarons as a treat. He’s 50 years old and his favorite toy is still a ball. Bedtime is 8pm and he’s allergic to dairy.”

Another reason I wish Luke had identified himself would be to see the mishmash of reactions that would ensue. Cara would be like DAMN IT’S THAT GUY WHO BLEW UP THE DEATH STAR AND KILLED THE EMPEROR, ACT COOL (and she would indeed act cool). Fennec would be like ugh it’s that guy who helped kill my best paying client Jabba the Hutt and then fucked over my boss Boba, I helped save the kid for THIS? And I would LOVE to know how Bo Katan feels about him, assuming she’s heard of him, and especially if she knows he’s Anakin Skywalker’s son. That confusion is probably the reason WHY the writers didn’t have him reveal himself- they didn’t want to break the emotion of the scene.

Let‘s all be real I’m just being needy about wanting things from Luke because of what he meant to me as a kid and my resulting innate need to have more canon of him, whatever it is, whenever I can get it. Especially in this form that’s so similar to ROTJ, a movie I watched on endless repeat. Even getting this was incredible though. Who else could we trust this lil heart-stealing green bean with so fully? Yet who would be so arrogant as to try to train a baby yodling (see: Ahsoka’s wise refusal)?

R2 is reckless as hell lmao. Not that we don’t already know that, but for him to just head on in, effectively abandoning Luke’s ship (how can they know if there are more troopers or not who might blow it up?) and also putting himself in the path of the ridiculously deadly Dark Troopers is NUTS. I’m usually on his side but he absolutely deserves a scolding by C3PO for this one.

I wonder if Grogu has any memories of R2 or vice versa since they did occupy the Jedi Temple at the same time. Can Grogu understand droids? They could swap stories about mutual acquaintances.

Does Din pretty much have to go with Bo Katan now since a) he’s shown his face and may not be able to go back to the Watch, and b) because he has the darksaber and has to figure out how to get it back to her without dying?

How in the hell did Bib Fortuna (whose chins age was not kind to) go from being butler to being boss? Were all the henchmen just like, “Fuck yeah, no Hutt parents no rules, let’s do what we want!!” And then they’ve spent the last ten years living off of whatever money they could salvage from Jabba’s non-banked wealth? Why has no one challenged them for that prime real estate and loot? I would love to hear that story.

Fennec Shand says “respect sex workers” so you better fuckin’ do it.

Idk dude Bib Fortuna really was a good butler, and he seemed pretty willing to comply with whoever’s in power. Did he screw Boba over in his attempt to return from the dead and earn that killing shot somehow? Or was this to make sure there was no one left who would have a claim to loyalty? Or maybe Boba just really wanted to sit in that chair.

Does “The Book of Boba Fett” mean we’re not on Din Djarin’s story anymore? Or is it a new show? I would much prefer the latter. I want to see Din help retake Mandalore or at least get a hug.

[saltyfilmmajor]

FROM RECKLESS MEN TO EMOTIONAL DISASTERS

AN ANALYTICAL EVALUATION OF THE AESTHETIC QUALITIES OF A FEW FAMOUS TOM CRUSE CHARACTERS

To start off, yes, I’m doing another essay on this. (Mel, this doesn’t change the fact that we are fighting because you know I’m right. So, write a paper or admit that I’m right.) This was requested by @sweetbouquetartisane because she wants to hear my thoughts on why I find Mr. Tom Cruise attractive, on a physical level anyway. And I am very inclined to write this first in the series of essays that will come out soon. But I digress, the main point is that Tom Cruise is a very good-looking man and that characters he plays from movie to movie bring out very different responses from me. So let’s dive head first on the characters of Barry Seal, Jack Harper, Ethan Hunt, and Danny Kaffee. This order corresponds from least favorite to most favorite. I don’t hate any of these characters. In fact, I love them. A little too much. But l Digress. 

American Made, for me as a film, was something I wished to watch for the historical nature of it, given that it sort of documents the situation surrounding the Iran-Contra affair (look forward to that essay soon). And so when I watched it the very first time this week, I was excited. I had never watched a film that directly talks about this stuff, especially with such a big-name star like Tom Cruise. He plays Barry Seal, a very crazy man irl who worked for the CIA and The Medellín Cartel and ultimately died before the Iran Contra Scandal went public. Now I’m supposed to hate this character very much cause of his involvement with said cartel and CIA, but from his very first words, he grabbed my heart and never let go. GOD, he’s so fucking charming it is insane. He speaks in a slight southern accent, he flies like a mad man. HE SPEAKS FUCKIN SPANISH, I JUST.

So, a bit of context about why that is important. Before I watched this film I was away in Guatemala visiting family for two weeks. Because of that, I was limited to Spanish only conversation. It got me thinking. Mel and I had a discussion on this about how great it would be if Ethan Hunt would speak Spanish on screen. We never get to hear it in a movie, and it was a very fun conversation. So I watched American Made the day I returned home, not knowing that Tom would be speaking Spanish. I FUCKIN LOST MY SHIT. I just couldn’t FUNCTION. And he starts off with very limited Spanish and over the course of the movie he gets a bit better. MEL AND I JUST LOST IT. I showed it to her the second time I watched (but she does not like Barry, she likes Schafer and she hasn’t watched to the end of the film.)

The outfits they put Barry in this movie, like in every scene almost, he has the Sleeves™ and Mel and I LOVE THE SLEEVES. Tom Cruise with rolled up sleeves, very good yes. Also, Mel, I know you appreciate when Tom is wearing a uniform and he wears a pilot uniform for a good portion of the beginning of the movie. 

HE LOVES HIS WIFE SO DAMN MUCH. AND WHEN SHIT HITS THE FAN THAT’S THE ONLY THING HE CARES ABOUT, HIS FAMILY’S WELLBEING. THE VOICE KINK IS STRONG IN THIS MOVIE FOR ME. (yes Tumblr I have a voice kink, the least Extra™ of any kink I’ve ever admitted to, shut up. Well, that and the Sleeves™.) Also, he fucks his wife in a plane and it just stresses me the fuck out but also makes me feel things. I’m very conflicted about it.

Jack Harper, The Softest™ Man. I can’t thirst over him, it breaks my heart too much. BUT THAT WON’T STOP ME. Look, he just wants to live a peaceful life away from this bullshit. And HE JUST LOVES THE EARTH SO FUCKIN MUCH. AND VIKA IS JUST A STICKLER FOR THE RULES. LET HIM KEEP HIS FLOWER FOR FUCK’S SAKE. PLEASE DON’T HURT HIM HE JUST WANTS TO BE HAPPY AND LIVE LIFE ON EARTH. (also, he does have that scene where he’s restrained and its…. fuck)

Ethan Hunt. Ethan Fucking Hunt. THIS MAN DRINKS RESPECT WOMEN JUICE FOR BREAKFAST LUNCH AND DINNER. He is such a badass and he cares so much about his loved ones it’s crazy. He just wants to protect the world and he fights his government to do the greater good. He clings of a plane, free climbs the side of mountains, marries Julia in the hospital before the mission (and then proceed to fuck in the medical supplies…JULIA YOU ARE A NURSE WHAT THE FUCK.)  He looks damn good wearing a tux and riding a bike. He has the sleeves in fallout. I just love him a lot.

Like ok look, not to go too in depth about Ethan’s character (Look forward to that essay as well) but he is an Extra Spy who cares too much and risks his life because ultimately he cannot let anyone die. He won’t allow it. The mission is all he has left, he has no life outside of that because he learned early on that the risk is too much for his loved ones. He’s always ready to die for the sake of a mission, and he speaks French and Russian. So, in turn, he dedicates himself to being the best agent, not for the sake of his government, however, (because the government is shown to be very sketchy.) It’s the embodiment of the thesis posited by James Bond in Skyfall. In Skyfall, when Bond is meeting  Q for the first time they have this conversation of Technology vs Old-school Tradecraft

Bond: Oh, so why do you need me?

Q: Every now and then a trigger has to be pulled.

Bond: Or not pulled. It's hard to know which in your pajamas.

Ethan Hunt is the embodiment of the critical thinking in the espionage trade. By that I mean, after his first mission gone wrong, he thinks about the decisions he makes. And it’s nice that people consider the consequences of their actions and don’t go shooting everyone who crosses their path. Ethan Hunt Certified Badass and Respecter of women. (also he has the scene in with the pole). He has an engineering degree and he was in the army. He DOUBLE MAJORED IN ENGINEERING AND INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS! HE’S A SMART BOI AND I LOVE AND RESPECT HIM VERY MUCH! JUST LET HIM LIVE A HAPPY AND NORMAL LIFE. (also he has those scenes...)

And lastly our last candidate for evaluation. You know who it is, THAT’S RIGHT. LT. DANIEL ALLISTER KAFFEE SMARTEST SMARTASS TO EVER SMARTASS IN THE HISTORY OF SMARTASSERY. (Did I ever mention I have a thing for lawyers?) This is different from all the others I’ve mentioned here. Like Kaffee is not the Tom Cruise Action Hero™ he is a quietly intense drama boi. He’s insecure and masks it with a layer of cockiness because he is afraid of the shadow of his father’s legacy. It’s just so sad. He’s a very smart Boi who doesn’t apply himself because he understands that litigation is an artwork to itself and he’s trying to make sure his clients get the best deal possible. He knows that if his case goes to trial he cannot control the outcome, he can present his case but at the end of the day, it is up to the jury to decide whether his clients are guilty or not. I could discuss Kaffee, my actual husband, all day. He has some certifiable looks in this movie.

HE HAS HIS REGULAR NAVY UNIFORM.

HIS SOFTBALL OUTFIT

THE JOCK OUTFIT

THE WHITE NAVY UNIFORM

And my absolute favorite HIS CLASS A UNIFORM.

HE HAS EVERYTHING I LIKE. ROLLED UP SLEEVES? CHECK! TOM CRUISE IN JEANS? CHECK! SMARTASSERY? DOUBLE CHECK! UNIFORMS? CHECK FROM HERE TO COLOMBIA! ISSUES WITH AUTHORITY? CHECKAMUNDO! (also his reluctantly subbish tendencies, but not everyone is into that. BUT FUCK YOU MEL, I’M RIGHT JUST ADMIT IT)

LOOK MY ACTUAL HUSBAND DANIEL KAFFEE

This man is such a disaster, he doesn’t know how to eat apples, he gets sick on boats (Jesus Christ Kaffee, You’re in the Navy.) All he has in his house is Yoohoo and Coco Puffs, He has a baseball bat fetish (not the sexual definition, the witchcraft one.) He fuckin walked in the rain drunk af and then proceeded to drive a few blocks looking for Joanne, while still drunk (Sam WHAT THE FUCK, WHY DID YOU LET HIM DRIVE???) When he tells Jessup to return to the stand and he drinks water, he’s fuckin shaking. He swears when he’s frustrated. His voice, oh my fuck, HIS VOICE. He gesticulates a lot in court as well (I’m thinking about his cross-examination of the doctor specifically) I don’t know why but I find that endearing. The way he speaks in court is so smart, and when he whispers, It just. IT’S Like ASMR but I like it instead of being creeped out. He just, GOD HIS VOICE. I LOVE IT. He never has a pen on his person, like Danny, sweetheart, please. He just. GOD I THINK I’M IN LOVE.

So that’s essentially my Deep Dive™ on Tom Cruise characters that I’ve watched this week. He’s just so charming in all these roles and they all have something different to offer. All are distinct people: Barry Seal, the most fucking reckless man ever. Jack Harper, the softest soul who just loves earth please just let him keep his flower. Ethan Hunt, the most badass Extra™ spy who consumes gallons of respect women juice. Daniel Kaffee, my Harvard educated smartass who is very fucking stupid. Each of them just provides me with a very different experience emotionally, but they all have their merits and I love them all.

(Mel, fuck you. I’m Right.)

[bangtaninink]

just skin

Summary: You’re back home and itching to get the final piece of Jungkook etched into your skin (tattoo artist!au)

Notes: I’ll save you guys the trouble/horror of googling it yourselves: yes, a Prince Albert piercing is a dick piercing; also, this is the tattoo(s) that Jungkook and the OC get

“Yeah, and so I said to the guy, ‘listen, man, I’m way too sober to pierce your tongue and your d--’ wait.” Hoseok stops, ears perked as he tilts his head. “Do you guys hear something?”

Yoongi takes his foot off the pedal, the buzzing of his tattoo gun cutting off immediately. The studio falls silent as everyone strains to hear whatever Hoseok’s heard, the sound growing louder and louder in volume, until eventually, the studio door swings open, the bell overhead ringing frantically as you step in, phone held up above you, Eminem blasting from your phone’s speakers.

Guess who’s back? Back again...

“Holy fucking shit!” Jungkook cries, standing up so quickly his chair almost topples over, Jimin quick to catch it before it does. “Babe?”

“The queen is back, bitches!” you announce, grasping the pleats of your imaginary skirt and curtseying for your crowd. “Miss me?”

“Hell yeah, I did! Come here, sweets.”

You barely have time to blink before Jungkook has run towards you and swept you off your feet -- literally -- carrying you up and spinning you around in his embrace.

“Um. Who’s that?” the man sitting at Yoongi’s station asks, warily eyeing the cluster of needles still hovering inches away from his thigh.

“Hmm? Oh. That’s Jungkook’s girlfriend. _____ pierces here with Taehyung and Hoseok.”

“One of the best,” Taehyung adds, spinning around in his chair, lollipop hanging precariously between his lips. “Have you ever seen someone pierce themselves? Because I’ve seen _____ pierce her own bellybutton without flinching and I just knew, at that moment, that I would never reach her level of badass. Ever.”

“Alright. Who needs glove refi-- _____?”

You turn to look over your shoulder, laughing at the sight of Namjoon staring dumbly in your direction, unopened boxes of disposable gloves in his arms. You give him a little wave hello before turning your attention back to Jungkook, whose arms are still wrapped around your waist.

“Namjoon. Namjoon.”

“Huh? What?”

“Gloves,” Yoongi says, holding one hand out for a box.

“Right. Yeah. Sorry, hyung,” Namjoon mutters, handing him one of the boxes before walking to each station, discarding the empty boxes to replace them with new ones. Yoongi haphazardly tosses his box onto his work bench, the monotonous buzzing returning as he lowers his foot back onto the pedal and returns his attention to his customer. 

                                                          ▫▫▫

Everyone has already turned their attention back to their work while you and Jungkook remain lost in your own little bubble, giggling and whispering words in between kisses.

“You said... you weren’t coming back... ‘til next week,” Jungkook mumbles, your bottom lip caught between his teeth. You grin, combing your fingers through his hair.

“I know,” you reply. “I lied.”

“Minx.” There isn’t a hint of betrayal in his voice, however, and he leans forward again, the tip of his tongue just barely brushing against the small silver ball below the corner of your lip before kissing you once more. You smile, shutting your eyes as you kiss him back.

“Jesus. Will you two lovebirds move away from the door? People’ll be thinking this place is a goddamn brothel, not a tattoo studio.”

The sound of Yoongi’s voice pulls you two apart, and the both of you are laughing quietly, foreheads pressed to one another’s for a moment before either of you think about moving. Jungkook keeps his arms wrapped tightly around your waist as you both waddle back towards his station, so close to falling over.

“So,” Taehyung sing-songs, wheeling himself over to you when you sit down in Jungkook’s chair. “How was Japan?”

“Oh my god,” you moan. “I am probably fifty-percent noodles and sushi right now, Tae. You will not believe how good the food is over there.” You tilt your head back, looking at Jungkook over the back of the chair. “We gotta go together sometime, babe.”

“Did you go to the Ghibli Museum?”

You reach forward to grab Taehyung’s wrist, sighing dramatically.

“It was the most beautiful place I’ve ever been to,” you reply. Taehyung groans loudly, wheeling himself back to his station as quickly as he can, just as the studio door opens to let another customer in.

“I shouldn’t have asked you.”

“I’ll send you the photos later.”

                                                         ▫▫▫

“Have any clients today, babe?” you ask, carding your fingers through his hair in an attempt to tame the chaos. Clearly, today too, Jungkook hadn’t bothered to brush his hair. He shakes his head where it’s resting on your shoulder.

“Finished already. I had one this morning at ten,” he replies. He takes your other hand where it’s resting on his stomach, threading his fingers between yours and resting it on his chest. “I’m free for the rest of the day, pretty much. Unless someone comes in specifically requesting me.”

You glance up at the clock on the back wall; it’s almost two o’clock, but you know that the day is far from over, considering it is Friday.

“Hey,” you say, nudging the side of his head gently with your cheek. Jungkook hums in acknowledgement. “Since you’re free, do you wanna do my arm?”

His eyes snap open, and Jungkook sits up, his back lifting off of your chest. He turns around with a grin.

“Yes,” he replies, already climbing off the chair and walking over to his work bench, ripping open the new box of disposable gloves. “God, I thought you’d never ask.” You laugh, blindly searching for the lever to recline chair. “So you’ve decided to get inked up then? Like, definitely?”

“Yeah, I guess I have. It was all I was thinking about in Japan, aside from the food, I mean.”

“About time. We’ve had a couple customers ask why you’re the only one who hasn’t had any work done in here. I had to stop Namjoon hyung from telling everyone you’re too chicken to get anything.”

“Pfft.” You roll your eyes. “That makes no sense. How am I supposed to be scared of getting a tattoo when I pierce for a living?”

“That’s what I said!” Jungkook laughs, shaking his head. “Honestly, for a certified genius, he can be a bit of an idiot sometimes.”

“Anyway. Have you drawn anything up? Wait. Never mind. You probably started sketching the minute I brought up the idea.”

“You know me so well, sweets,” Jungkook replies, the latex snapping against his wrist. He hands you his sketchbook before preparing his station, a bottle of sanitiser already in his grasp. “Pick something, because lord knows I’ll never be able to.”

Shaking your head, you open up his sketchbook, the smell of sanitiser sharp in the air as you flip through the pages, finding the ones with your name scrawled on the top corners. You leave Jungkook to prepare himself, setting up his gun and small pots of ink to be lined up beside his chair.

You stop flipping pages when you find a sketch of some swallows, flying in a line across the page. It’s simple, nothing in comparison to the complexity of the ink covering Jungkook’s body, but it’s hard to take your eyes off of it.

“Found something?” Jungkook asks, peering over your shoulder from behind the chair, looking down at the page in front of you. “Oh yeah. That’d be good for your first tattoo, babe.” You nod your head slowly, humming in reply. “Where do you want it?”

You lift your head up, staring at the mirror in front of you, suddenly hit with an idea. Putting the sketchbook down, you stand, taking Jungkook’s hand and leading him over to the adjacent wall.

“Hold my hand,” you say, turning around so that your back faces the mirror.

“O...kay,” Jungkook replies, raising an eyebrow but following suit anyway, turning on his heels and peeling off his glove to take your hand in his. Looking over your shoulder, you smile, pointing down at your wrist.

“Right here,” you say, drawing an imaginary line starting from your wrist and ending just below his elbow. “Let’s get matching ones.”

Jungkook follows your finger in your reflection, a smile growing on his lips as he begins to understand.

                                                        ▫▫▫

“I can’t believe you two have become that couple,” Jimin mutters from where he’s crouched down behind you and Jungkook, applying the stencil to both your arms.

“Says you,” Jungkook scoffs. “You and Yoongi hyung have matching piercings.”

“Piercings are piercings. You guys are getting matching tattoos. Gross.”

“Whatever. Just hurry up.”

You chuckle quietly and shake your head, feeling the stencil paper being pulled away to leave a crisp purple outline on your skin.

“Good?” Jimin asks, standing up.

“Looks good to me,” you say, nodding and smiling.

“Good. Well, I’m not even gonna ask Jungkook because his OCD ass’ll find something wrong with it regardless, so I’m gonna bounce before this brat can scold me.”

“Thanks, Chim.”

Jungkook rolls his eyes and leads you back to his station, letting you sit back down.

“We gotta let it dry first, sweets,” he tells you, pulling on a new glove, careful not to smudge the stencil on his own arm. “You just want black ink?”

“Mhm. Exactly as you’ve drawn it, babe,” you reply, fanning the stencil on your arm in an attempt to dry it quicker.

“God, I can’t believe I get to do your first tattoo,” Jungkook says, grinning as he attaches the needle tip and tube to his gun. “I feel just as excited as the first time you said yes to going on a date with me. And the first time we had sex.”

“That’s literally the worst thing to compare it to,” Yoongi deadpans, not looking up from his neighbouring station where he’s finished tattooing his customer and proceeds to rub some balm over his skin, rolls of bandages already ready on his lap.

“Whatever. The point is, I’m pumped as fuck right now. My baby’s getting her first tattoo.”

You shoot Jungkook a glare, but there’s barely any malice in it as you try to suppress your laughter.

“So dramatic,” you mutter.

“I love you,” he replies, smiling as he leans forward to kiss you quickly. “Ready?” You look down at the tattoo gun in his hand before nodding once. “Just tell me if you can’t handle it. We can take as many breaks as you want.”

(Yoongi rolls his eyes, but spins around before either of you can catch the hint of a smile on his lips.)

                                                        ▫▫▫

The process is, fortunately, not as bad as you’d anticipated it to be.

“And... we’re done,” Jungkook says, taking his foot off the pedal and lifting his head. “You okay?”

“Peachy,” you reply, sighing with relief regardless. “That wasn’t so bad. I think getting my tits pierced was worse than that.”

“Oh yeah. How’re those healing up, by the way? Can I touch them yet?”

“Jungkook, please,” Namjoon sighs from his station when he overhears you both. “There are customers here. We can all hear you.” The both of you laugh, while a few of the customers seem to flush red and turn away.

Jungkook presses a kiss to your shoulder, handing you a small mirror to look at your new ink before starting his clean up process, disassembling his tattoo gun to clean and sterilise the needle.

“Everything look okay?” he asks you.

“Perfect,” you reply, beaming. “Can’t wait to see what it’ll look like when we both have ‘em.”

Jungkook grins, peeling off his gloves and washing his hands, making sure to avoid the purple ink still clear on his forearm.

“I’ll show you how to take care of it at home,” he says. “Amongst other things.”

“Oh yeah? And what exactly are those ‘other things’?” you ask, raising an eyebrow as you take the balm he holds out to you.

“Oh, you know. A ‘welcome home’ celebration and stuff. You were gone for three weeks after all, sweets.” The studio is filled with quiet groans. Jungkook looks over his shoulder and winks in your direction; you blow him a kiss in return.

                                                        ▫▫▫

“Uh... _____?”

You look up, pulling your eyes away from Jungkook’s newest additions to his portfolio to turn your attention to Seokjin.

“Yeah?”

“I know you’re still technically on leave still,” he says. “But I just got a call booking in ten kids for some piercings and ink, and Tae and Seok have already got a few clients booked in for tonight.”

Scrunching up your nose, you shut the album in your hands, already standing to walk across to your station.

“You guys owe me.”

                                                        ▫▫▫

It’s just after nine in the evening that a wave of customers start to flow into the studio, and before you know it, you’ve dove right back into work as if you’d never left, gloves on, piercing gun in hand.

It’s a taxing job at times, because while it seems simple enough (one: gloves on; two: clean the skin; three: load the gun with the cartridge; four: mark the skin; five: point, aim, and shoot), no one really tells you about the emotional counselling that accompanies your work.

It’s almost half past ten when you’re sitting at your station beside a girl who can’t be older than twenty, quickly losing feeling in your hand because of her vice-like grip around your fingers as she tries to calm herself enough to get the small silver hoop in her nose.

“A-are you sure it won’t hurt?” she asks on the verge of tears.

“You’ll hardly feel a thing, babe,” you say. “See Yoongi over there? I did his eyebrow. And over there, I did Hoseok’s tongue. And at the station next to you, I did Taehyung’s septum. Exact same piercing you’re gonna get.”

“Hardly felt a thing,” Taehyung adds, smiling and shooting your client a thumbs up. “_____’s one of our best. I might even say she’s better than me.”

“Gee, that’s reassuring,” the client at Taehyung’s station mutters, smacking Taehyung’s arm.

“You’ll be fine, I promise,” you say. “I’ve done so many piercings by this point, you’ll be done before you can blink. Here. Pinch the skin between your nostrils as hard as you can.” The girl slowly brings her hand up, sniffling quietly before bringing her thumb and forefinger close, squeezing the cartilage separating her nostrils. “Really squeeze hard. As hard as you can, babe.” The girl’s eyes narrow slightly as she tries as hard as she can, fingers starting to tremble a little as she exerts as much energy as she can into squeezing her nose. “Okay, you can stop. How’d that feel?”

“That... wasn’t so bad, I g-guess,” she says, lowering her hand and resting it in her lap. “It’s kinda like... I need to sneeze or something.”

“That’s all you’re gonna feel. Your eyes might water, but it won’t be because of the pain. Besides. You know why I’m positive it’s not gonna hurt as much?”

“W-why?”

“Because us girls are better at handling pain than the boys. And if Taehyung says he hardly felt a thing, then it’s gonna be a breeze for you, babe.”

Your client is quiet, staring at the ground, deep in thought.

“How would you know though? Your nose isn’t pierced,” she says.

“Wanna see my most painful piercings?” The girl sniffles and nods her head. You smile, carefully pulling her hand off of yours to stand. You lift your shirt up, tugging down one cup of your bra to expose one of your breasts, shrugging. Her eyes grow wide with shock.

“Y-you... you got your nipple pierced?”

“Nipples,” you correct. Just before he passes your station, Jungkook freezes on the spot, whistling appreciatively.

“Woah, hello. Didn’t realise we were starting the ‘welcome home’ celebration early, sweets,” he laughs, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Keep walkin’, babe,” you reply, fixing your bra and shirt before sitting down next to your client again, peeling away your gloves to replace them with new, sterile ones. “Don’t worry about it. I know pain. Waxing your legs hurts more than getting pierced most of the time, to be honest. Your nose’ll be fine.”

Gnawing on her bottom lip, the girl is quiet again for a moment, and it might be a full minute that passes before she speaks up.

“Okay. I think... I think I’m ready.”

“You sure?” you ask, already pulling on your second glove.

“Yeah,” she replies. “If you can get your nipples pierced and still be alive, I think I can survive a nose piercing.”

“Good for you, babe,” Taehyung cries from his station. “You got this!”

                                                        ▫▫▫

The girl stares at her reflection for a good three minutes after it’s done, while you’re busy cleaning up and readying your station for the next customer.

“I know it’s tempting to touch it,” you say, smiling a little at the awe on the girl’s face. “But try not to. At least for a couple months.”

“This looks... so cool. And you were right. It didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.”

“Hey, hey. Lookin’ good!” Taehyung says, throwing her another thumbs up from his station.

“Thanks,” she laughs. “And thank you, _____. Couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Don’t sweat it, babe,” you reply, waving your hand. You watch as she turns back to the mirror to stare at her reflection a little more, and you can see her fingers twitching, wanting to reach up and touch her nose but resisting. You toss your gloves into the trash, grabbing a bottle of sanitiser to clean up your work bench and chair before turning your attention back to your client. “Alright. All good? Were you after anything else tonight? More piercings? A tattoo?”

“Ah, no, I think the nose’ll do for tonight,” she says, chuckling quietly.

“Sounds good. Well, I’m done here cleaning up here. Let’s head over to the front and fix you up so you can be on your merry way and show off your new hoop.”

At the front counter, you take her money (and the very generous tip), counting out the money more out of habit.

“Hey, um.”

“Hmm?” You look up, watching as the girl leans forward on the counter.

“Who was that guy before, when you were showing me your boob? The one who called you sweets,” she asks, voice lowered slightly.

“Oh.” You laugh, putting the money into the till. “That was my boyfriend, Jungkook. He’s one of the tattoo artists here. Why?”

“He’s cute. You’re a lucky chick, _____.”

“Don’t I know it.”

                                                       ▫▫▫

“No way.”

“_____, please.”

“Jung Hoseok, I am not doing a Prince Albert. Get Taehyung to do it.”

“He’s busy. He’s gotta pierce five sets of ears and three noses. Please?” You tilt your head back with a wince, hands on your hips as you sigh. “Is that a yes?”

“No. Jungkook. Jungkook.” Before he can walk back to his station, you grab Jungkook’s hand as he passes you. “Babe, help. Save me.”

“Why? What’s wrong?” he asks, eyebrows furrowed.

“I need your girlfriend to do a PA on that dude with the bright blue hair up front.” Jungkook’s eyes grow wide.

“Woah. No. _____’s not touching anyone’s dick except mine. And if she even thinks about coming near my dick with a needle, she can fucking bounce. No offense, sweets.”

“Jungkook, we have too many customers coming in, and not enough piercers. I already spoke to Seokjin hyung. If she does this, she’s done for the night. Me and Tae’ll do the rest.”

“A Prince Albert? Seriously? Who the fuck even wants that?”

“The guy with the bright blue hair, apparently.”

Jungkook sighs, staring down at the ground as he thinks. It’s almost a minute before he looks up again to meet your eyes, holding a silent conversation with you.

Complete and utter dread washes over you when it dawns on you that you really have no choice: money is money, and if you have any chance of buying that new piercing gun for your station, you’re gonna need to take all the jobs you can get.

It’s as if Hoseok senses your admission of defeat, because before you can blink, his expression transitions from pleading to pleased, grinning as he runs back to his station to tend to his client, leaving you and Jungkook standing in the middle of the studio completely dumbstruck.

You sigh, huffing loudly as you exhale and scratch your temple.

“Want me to come with you?” Jungkook asks, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. You shake your head in reply.

“I’ll be fine. You have clients to work on anyway,” you say. Jungkook leans over and presses a kiss to your cheek.

“My trashcan’ll be ready for you to throw up in when you’re done.” Despite yourself, you find yourself laughing, and returning the kiss with one of your own.

“Can’t wait.”                                                        ▫▫▫

“Hi. Uh, you were the one after an Albert?” you say, approaching the man with the bright blue hair. You watch as he stands quickly, wiping his hands on the back of his jeans nervously.

“Uh, yeah. That’s me.”

“I’m _____. I think Hoseok spoke to you earlier, but he and the other male piercer here are swamped with clients tonight, so I’ll be the one taking care of you tonight, if... that’s alright with you.”

“Oh, um... sure. No... no problem.”

“Cool. I’ll take you over to my station then.”

With your client following behind, you walk to the back of the studio where you station is, motioning for him to take a seat while you move to the corner and grab the curtain to pull it shut around your space. You see heads turn in your direction at the sound of the small metal hoops holding the curtain up scrape against the railing overhead, and you take another deep breath, flashing Jungkook a tight-lipped smile as he throws you an encouraging thumbs up.

(You resist the urge to flip off Hoseok and Taehyung when they look your way.)

“Just gimme a sec to set up and we can get started.”

“No problem.”

Though you don’t want to admit it, you are stalling a little, taking your time to pull your gloves on and make sure everything is sterile and sanitary. You pull open the bottom drawer of your cabinet, digging around for circular and bent barbells, almost forgetting where you kept them all. You lay everything out on your workbench, all still sealed and cased, not daring to open anything until it was absolutely time to.

“Alright,” you say, turning around to face your client. “I’m, uh, gonna need you to take your pants off.”

“Right. Yeah.” The guy clears his throat and stands, awkwardly fumbling with the button and zipper of his jeans. “Have you, uh... have you ever done this kind of piercing before?”

“A few times, yeah,” you reply, nodding. “Most guys request for either Hoseok or Taehyung though, which is understandable. But I’ve pierced a few dicks in my time.”

“That’s, uh... that’s pretty reassuring, actually.” You chuckle, nodding again as he drapes his jeans over the back of the chair.

“Hey, um, can I ask, just out of morbid curiosity... why’re you getting an Albert?”

“Oh. U-um...”

“Oh. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I ask all my clients why they’re getting the piercing their getting. But an Albert’s in an... intimate area, so if you don’t wanna say why, that’s cool.”

“Nah, it’s fine. Uh... it’s for my girlfriend, actually.”

“Oh. You... wanna improve your sex life, or...”

“Kinda, I guess. But she also was saying the other day that my dick looked kinda... plain. Boring.”

Surprised, you raise your eyebrows.

“She said that to you? To your face?”

“Yeah. I mean, she was a little tipsy when she said it, but... pretty much.” You let out a loud exhale, leaning back against your work bench.

“I mean, it’s not really my place to say, but she kinda sounds like a bitch. Who says something like that to their boyfriend?”

“I dunno,” he says, scratching the back of his head. “She kinda has high standards though. She’s one of those rich kids. Her parents run some kind of law firm or some shit.”

“Still. That’s not something you just say.” He shrugs, sitting back down. “How long’ve you two been together?”

“About a year and a half now.”

“You love her?”

“I mean... I guess? If we’ve been together that long, that means I more than like her, doesn’t it?”

“Not necessarily,” you say, pulling over your wheelie chair to sit down too. “I’ve known people who’ve dated for two years and never said ‘I love you’ to one another the entire time. I also know people who were together for about a month before dropping the ‘love’ bomb on each other. Time’s just one of those things that can’t define relationships. That’s what I think, at least.” You lean forward, chin resting in your palm as you prop your elbow up on your knee. “I don’t know you, and I don’t know your girlfriend, but I have a feeling it’s more tolerance than love between you both. Correct me if I’m wrong, of course.” He says nothing, so you continue, flicking the small silver ball under your lip absentmindedly. “I mean, if she does love you, I don’t think she’d be going around calling your dick boring and plain-looking. After a year and a half, I’d like to think you learn how to love your significant other’s so-called flaws alongside everything else, y’know?”

“Dicks aren’t really attractive things though,” he suggests.

“True, but that doesn’t give her the right to insult yours.” You shrug and stand again, moving to your bench. “If I was you, I’d probably drop her ass. She doesn’t deserve someone like you. But, hey. That’s just my opinion. If you’re happy in your relationship, then that’s all that matters, right?”

You client stares off into space while you get back to work setting up, taking out a bottle of disinfectant and some topical anaesthetic.

“So. Do you wanna sit or stand for thi--”

“Wait.” You pause, eyebrows rising expectantly. “Can I, um... can I take a raincheck on the Albert? I, uh... I think I wanna think about this some more, and about what you said.” You smile in reply.

“For sure.”

“Thanks.” Quietly, he stands to put his jeans back on, getting dressed in silence while you start to clear your bench and put everything back.

You’re in the process of peeling your gloves off when he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his wallet.

“Hey. It’s fine,” you say, stopping him.

“You sure? I took up a lot of your time with my unnecessary bull-crap.”

“Totally fine. No needle, no money.”

“Right.”

You walk over to the other side of your station, grabbing the curtain to pull it back and expose your space to the rest of the studio, heads once again turning in your direction.

“It’s funny,” the guy says, tucking his wallet back into his pocket. “I came in thinking I’d be walking out with a sore dick and some numbing cream, and instead I’m gonna be leaving with a full wallet and a piercer-slash-therapist blowing my mind. Thanks, _____.”

“Anything to avoid doing an Albert,” you joke; he laughs, combing his fingers through his hair. “I’ll walk you out.”

You finish peeling off your gloves, throwing them into the trash can before leading your client to the door.

“Hey, um. Not to sound like a complete ass, but... are you single?” You laugh, holding the door open for him.

“I’m not, sorry.” You nod your head towards the back of the studio in Jungkook’s direction. “My boyfriend’s one of the artists here.”

“That’s a shame. You’re pretty cool.” He gives you a small wave before walking off, hands shoved in his pockets.

                                                       ▫▫▫

You’re sitting at Jungkook’s station just as he bids his customer goodbye, sliding the money into the till and his tip in his back pocket.

“Hey,” he says, quick to rub sanitiser on his hands before leaning over to steal a kiss from you. “How’d it go?”

“It didn’t. Thank god,” you reply, chuckling. Jungkook raises his eyebrows.

“You talked him out of it?”

“He practically talked himself out it, actually. I don’t think he wanted the Albert in the first place.”

“Why?”

“I asked him why he was getting it. You know what he tells me?” Jungkook shrugs. “He said he wanted to get an Albert because his girlfriend said his dick looked ‘plain’ and ‘boring’.” Jungkook leans back, eyebrows furrowed.

“To his face?”

“Yup.”

“What a bitch.”

“That’s what I said. I told him ‘look, dude. If you’re gonna get your dick pierced just because your bitch of a girlfriend doesn’t like the way it looks, you can tell her to hit the fucking road’. Alberts are no joke.”

“Christ. Poor guy,” Jungkook says, shaking his head. “Wait. You don’t think my dick looks plain and boring, do you?”

“It’s my favouritest dick in the whole world,” you chuckle, leaning over to kiss him.

“Get a fucking room,” Jimin groans; Jungkook throws him the finger over his shoulder.

                                                      ▫▫▫

You’re all finally able to call it a night just before two in the morning, but to your surprise, even with the jetlag, you’re hardly tired.

“Thank you, Jesus,” Yoongi sighs, dropping into his chair with obvious exhaustion, a bottle of sanitiser still hanging precariously between his fingers. “We made it.”

“Another Friday night done and dusted,” Namjoon says, peeling off his gloves, throwing them towards his trash can (he misses).

“Alright, folks. Pay day,” Seokjin announces, a thick wad of cash in his hands as he leaves the front desk to wheel himself to the centre of the studio, right in the middle of everyone’s stations. Namjoon reaches over, pushing Seokjin’s glasses higher up the bridge of his nose when he spots them sliding down as the elder starts to count out paper bills.

“Woah, woah, woah,” you say, sitting up in Jungkook’s lap when everyone is given a stack -- everyone, that is, except you. “What am I, chopped liver? Did I not just pierce thirteen ears, four noses, an eyebrow, two pairs of nipples, and almost a dick? Fuck you, Kim Seokjin. I’m suing. I’ll see your ass in court.”

“Hey!” Namjoon cries out. “No one gets to see hyung’s ass except me.”

“Calm your pierced tits, _____,” Seokjin says, rolling his eyes. “You’ll get your money when you’re officially off leave.” You grumble, leaning back against Jungkook’s chest, arms crossed in front of you.

“And when is that?” Taehyung asks, counting out his money before pulling out his wallet.

“About a week and a half from now,” you reply.

“What’re you gonna do for a week and a half?���

“I have suggestions,” Jungkook answers immediately, raising his hand in the air.

“Shut up,” Yoongi says, sighing.

                                                     ▫▫▫

“Drive safe, you horn bags,” Yoongi says, draping his arm over Jimin’s shoulders, watching as Jungkook lifts the seat of his bike to pull out a spare helmet for you. “No road head.”

“How the hell am I gonna give Jungkook a blowjob if I’m sitting behind him?” you laugh, putting the helmet on. Yoongi shrugs, taking the cigarette from behind his ear and holding it between his teeth as he rummages around his pockets for his lighter.

“If anyone can find a way to do that, it’s probably gonna be you, _____. Come on, babe. Let’s go home. I need a shower.”

“Later, brats,” Jimin says, throwing you both a little wave goodbye over his shoulder as Yoongi walks him to the car. 

On the sidewalk, Hoseok helps Taehyung untie his bandana, carding his fingers through the younger’s bright red hair with a fond smile.

“We should head on home too, cutie,” he says, chuckling as Taehyung nuzzles Hoseok’s neck before nodding. “C’mon. Let’s boogie. See you two tomorrow.”

“See you,” Jungkook says, waving goodbye. You watch as Seokjin locks the front door of the studio, one arm wrapped around Namjoon’s. “Alright. We’re heading off too, hyung.”

“Sure. Drive safe, Jungkook,” Namjoon says, giving the both of you a salute goodbye.

“Try not to stay up too late, please,” Seokjin adds, sending you both a pointed look.

“Can’t guarantee anything,” Jungkook says, grinning before shutting the visor of his helmet, warming up his bike with loud, growl-like revs of the engine as you wrap your arms around his waist, blowing Namjoon and Seokjin a dramatic kiss goodbye.