#and then we get new guidelines for talking with The Public

[statisticalcats2]

Kind of funny side effect of Brookfield Zoo's Next Century Plan including keeping elephants again: got an email from my zoo (that I volunteer at) and they were like "ok so here's your playbook for what to say if guests start asking why we don't have elephants or if we plan on getting elephants"

[cemeterygrace]

the post-election strategy.

this election could go either way. no matter what happens, we need to stay safe. here's some basic guidelines for if trump gets elected.

don't be a narc. your friend is trans? no, they're not. you don't fucking know that. it goes with you to the grave. you don't know that your neighbors are immigrants. you don't know anybody who is left-leaning whatsoever.

watch what you're wearing in public. no rainbows, no harris-walz, nothing of the sort. people will potentially be looking for an excuse to commit violent crimes, and with the new leadership, there will be little repercussions for them.

if someone you don't know, or don't know well asks you who you voted for? don't tell them shit. they're probably fishing for information. you say that you aren't political, or that you don't talk about politics with strangers. don't give them an answer.

keep your fucking head down. be inconspicuous, and blend in. don't talk about jack shit. especially nothing relating to politics, or minorities.

stay safe.

[captain-joongz]

Ssobin and public sex😩😩😩

ignore this if it makes u uncomfortable,,, I couldn’t find the guidelines

hello darling, don't worry, you definitely didn't make me uncomfortable. you don't have to be afraid to send in anything, if i don't feel comfortable writing it, i'll let you know and write something similar <3 you'll quickly find i'm open to maaaaany things ;))

but i don't mind writing public sex, plus i think Soobin is the type who would be into it haha. i wasn't sure how public you wanted it, so i hope you'll like this!

warnings: public sex, pervy Soob, unprotected sex, cum play

we all know that even though Soobin tries to seem like the unassuming innocent naive type, he's a little pervert. he likes to pretend, but no one is fooled by him, especially when he starts smirking up a storm or uttering double-meaning jokes with a mischievous glint in his eyes

that's why i can totally imagine boyfriend!Soobin taking you on a cute picnic date to the park, but quickly losing all his will faced with your cute little skirt. seeing you sitting on the blanket and squirming around because the clothing is so short you can't even sit comfortably without flashing your underwear, it's slowly driving him up the wall

originally it wouldn't even be a part of his plans - he definitely wasn't expecting to find himself willing away a boner because he was thinking about fucking in the middle of a public park while you happily chattered by his side, holding onto the blanket and gushing about how cute and romantic the date was going to be

but now he suddenly had a new goal - to find the most remote spot where the chances of other people coming up on you were almost zero, because he couldn't go through the whole day without at least slipping his fingers into you

at first you were oblivious to your boyfriend's plight, noting his squirming and his dark eyes, but he seemed completely normal, talking to you like always, and if it wasn't for the occasional glance to your exposed legs, you wouldn't even notice something was going on in that naughty brain of his. he only started pushing up on you after the food was all gone and you two had started to relax into the blanket

a finger or two, trailing up and down your naked thigh, nothing unusual. Soobin's hitching breath and excited eyes, also something you'd gotten used to over the time - the man seemed to be always fired up, especially around you. it was when the fingers smoothly slipped between your thighs and pressed against the seat of your panties your breath hitched and liquid fire started coursing through your veins

Soobin didn't expect you to give in so easily, didn't expect you to shyly look around to check you were still alone before spreading your legs for him, and it had such potent lust barreling through him he physically felt the front of his pants getting tighter. sinking those naughty fingers into was never easier, and he was getting tunnel vision, only thinking about making you cum right here, in the middle of a park. and you, it was to shameful to admit out loud, but you've never felt wetter, the anticipation and adrenaline stoking your arousal higher and higher

actually, you had to bite your lip to stop the embarrassingly loud moan from falling out your lips the moment Soobin fit his long boney fingers inside and started enthusiastically pumping them into you, immediately driving you closer towards the edge with how excited the both of you were

and Soobin thought that fingering you would be enough for him, but you were so good for him, accepting him so easily, and he was so hard. he needed you, he needed to slide inside that pretty tight cunt of yours, and he needed it now

you did panic a little when he suddenly pulled his hand away and pulled you until you were lying on your front, lying over you and pressing himself close. after all, hands in pants could easily be hidden, but now if someone wandered over here, there was no getting out of it - were you really about to risk that much?

yes, yes you were, and you loved it

arching your back and pushing your ass into his hardened crotch, Soobin got the memo to get on with it, quickly so the chances of someone finding you were even smaller. he didn't waste time and quickly undid his pants, sliding them down just enough to take out his cock, and pushing your panties to the side he started cramming himself into you

it went easier than you two anticipated, with how wet you were, and soon Soobin was quickly thrusting into you, fucking you into the blanket while you both attempted to maintain look out, but were spiralling into the all-consuming pleasure too hard

you heard the man's eager grunts in your neck as his pace spiralled out of control, just chasing both of your orgasms, and you were so close too, the public setting pushing into you the sense of wrongness and urgency that had you throbbing and clenching around Soobin's cock sooner than you'd care to admit

the orgasms hit you like a brick wall, and you barely managed to swallow that raspy desperate moan clawing its way out as Soobin's hands gripped your hips tighter and he barreled into you harder and faster, pressing you into the ground before you felt his throbbing cock jerk inside of you and he was cumming with a quiet drawn out whine

lying back on the blanket side by side and watching each other's red blushing cheeks and thrilled smiles had the pleasure burning through you longer, and you were only just settling back into your body after one of the fiercest orgasms you had in recent memory. and judging by Soobin's fucked out hazy eyes, it was quite similar for him

but he wasn't quite done yet - when he went to clean up, he just pushed your panties back into place, leaving his still warm load nice and deep inside your cunt.

"be good for me baby, and hold that nicely till we get home"

with a wink he was done, sitting back on his side like nothing happened

and when only a few minutes later a dog owner passed by, you were thanking god with blushing cheeks that you managed to have your sweet cake and eat it too

and we're back!!! second day of hard hours kicking off with this fun ask! hope you enjoyed yourself!

i'll be breathlessly awaiting more, i'm so curious about your fantasies guys <3

divider from @cafekitsune

[ktempestbradford]

From The Atlantic: Substack Has a Nazi Problem

[that link is to an archived version, so no paywall]

Bottom Line: the CEOs/leaders of Substack aren't just being laissez-faire about the fascists and open white supremacists on the platform, they actively boost them by having them on the company podcast, featuring them, mentioning them, and boosting them. Because the newsletters bring in LOADS of money and they love money. Even newsletters that repeatedly violate the basic, useless guidelines of Substack, they do not get punished.

This isn't a huge surprise for anyone who has been following the major issues with Substack that have come up in the past few years. There was the whole scandal where the public discovered that Substack had been paying people secretly to be on the service while advertising that anyone can make it on their own here! Plus, they were paying bigots directly to put their newsletters on the srvice.

Good breakdowns of that from Annalee Newitz and Grace Lavery.

Then there was the disasterous interview one of the CEOs (Chris Best) did with Nilay Patel of The Verge when Substack's Twitter clone launched. Nilay -- who is, if you hadn't guessed, of Indian descent -- asked him pointed questions about content moderation and... well...

[Nilay] I just want to be clear, if somebody shows up on Substack and says “all brown people are animals and they shouldn’t be allowed in America,” you’re going to censor that. That’s just flatly against your terms of service. [Best] So, we do have a terms of service that have narrowly prescribed things that are not allowed. That one I’m pretty sure is just flatly against your terms of service. You would not allow that one. That’s why I picked it. So there are extreme cases, and I’m not going to get into the– Wait. Hold on. In America in 2023, that is not so extreme, right? “We should not allow as many brown people in the country.” Not so extreme. Do you allow that on Substack? Would you allow that on Substack Notes? I think the way that we think about this is we want to put the writers and the readers in charge– No, I really want you to answer that question. Is that allowed on Substack Notes? “We should not allow brown people in the country.” I’m not going to get into gotcha content moderation. This is not a gotcha... I’m a brown person. Do you think people on Substack should say I should get kicked out of the country? I’m not going to engage in content moderation, “Would you or won’t you this or that?” That one is black and white, and I just want to be clear: I’ve talked to a lot of social network CEOs, and they would have no hesitation telling me that that was against their moderation rules. Yeah. We’re not going to get into specific “would you or won’t you” content moderation questions. Why? I don’t think it’s a useful way to talk about this stuff.

Best wasn't willing to get into these "gotchas" around their new social network, which is a pretty clear indication that they won't get into it around content moderation on the original platform. (Their statement after the fact did nothing to make things better.)

It's also really clear from the Atlantic article that the Substack CEOs/Owners are, at best, more interested in making money than in keeping white supremacists and Nazis (literal ones) off their platform. At worst, the Substack CEOs/Owners are supremacist/Nazi sympathizers. Either way:

Substack Directly Supports the Alt-Right, Nazis, and White Supremacists

Openly, brazenly, and without remorse.

[miloformula123fan]

Hi! i wanted to request lando x fem!reader where dhe studies in the US and is dating lando and talks about him all the time but all of her friends thinks she is joking because she has no proof (she cant post anything yet because lando hasnt said anything abt a gf to the public). and y/n crys to lando because no matter how much convincing she does they think shes just messing with them. (she literally drives his spare mclaren and they still dont beleive her.) so lando decides to suprise her in class and then posts her on insta and all of her friends feel really bad

woohoo!

Please keep requesting - y'all have awesome ideas we agree on a lot of stuff :) - my guidelines are here, and if you want some prompts, they are here.

also feel free to come in and start chatting to me in my asks, would love to get to know y'all better

this was so much fun to write haha :)

lando norris x reader

---

Y/N picks up her laptop and some pens with her notebook. She’s got another study date with her friends. She likes them, sure she does, but sometimes they get a little irritating. 

For one, they don’t believe that her boyfriend is THE Lando Norris. They think she’s either got some unemployed schmuck who she is afraid to tell them about due to his poorness (the stuck up snobs) or they think she’s got some old sugar daddy that she doesn’t want them to meet because he’s so old.

So Y/N is taking less than ideal measures. Like today. Lando recently acquired a new McLaren from his work, some customised Spider that came out a couple of years ago. So now that he has his new car, he shipped his old one out to America, so Y/N would have something nice to drive around. His old McLaren GT, not necessarily old, it still cost about $210k, but not Lando’s current favourite, so Y/N could drive it around a bit.

And drive it, she would. Maybe this would finally convince her friends. Once and for all, that Lando Norris was interested in her and was dating her. She grabbed the keys off the table, double checked she had everything and then got into the car, driving the 10 minutes to the coffee shop.

Okay, maybe pulling up outside a coffee shop entirely inhabited by uni students in a custom McLaren wasn’t the best idea, but it was the best one she had. She got out of the car, locking it and headed in, almost immediately spotting her friends.

“Hello! I’ll just grab a coffee and then we can get to it!” She smiled at them, but she could see their faces

“How about you get us all a coffee with your sugar daddy money, Y/N.”

Y/N put her head down and ordered a hot chocolate and a cookie before returning to the table.

“So, how’s Lucas, Gabrielle?”

“Oh come on, no one wants to hear about my boyfriend, Y/N, we all just want to hear about your sugar daddy.”

“As I’ve told you before, I do not have a sugar daddy. I have Lando, who is my boyfriend, not my sugar daddy. And he is good, excited for the Las Vegas Grand Prix, and then excited to be coming home at the end of the season.”

“Yeah right, just cause you’re sending nudes to some old guy, doesn’t mean you can’t tell your best friends… come on, cut the charade Y/N.”

“I-” YN could feel tears welling up in her eyes, so she grabbed her stuff, and her hot chocolate before getting into the McLaren and driving off. 

Thank god it was only a 5 minute drive, else Y/N may not have made it back due to the tears welling up in her eyes. Maybe if she had, she would’ve seen the other McLaren in the driveway, but instead she walked into the house and locked herself in the bathroom, sitting down and beginning to cry.

Lando outside quickly froze. He honestly had no idea what to do. He was planning on surprising his girlfriend when she got home from her study date with her friends, but she arrived 2 minutes after he got home and had immediately walked into the bathroom without even saying hello. Leaning against the door, Lando could hear shaky breaths and sobs through the door, as he leaned his whole weight onto it, he quickly realised that she had not in fact locked the door, as he fell through it, landing on the cold tile floor.

The sobs stopped, as the hiccups continued. ��L-lando, are you, okay? Wait, hang on, what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in the factory in England?” The confusion in her voice was evident.

“Yeah, well I had some spare time, and I decided to come over, and the door wasn’t locked properly, but what happened? Why are you in here crying pretty girl?”

“It’s nothing, I promise, just me getting upset over nothing.”

“It’s clearly not nothing darling when you’re sitting here on the bathroom crying, huh?”

“Just… well, people don’t think we’re dating. They think I’m lying about it to try and cover for some 80 year old sugar daddy, and they think i’m being delusional.”

“Why, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Didn’t want to worry you…”

“You’re my girlfriend, Y/N of course I worry about you. Let’s forget about your shitty friends, and let’s go get a takeout dinner and a movie.”

“Love Actually?”

“Yes, if you want.”

---

Y/N dashed into the classroom, running slightly late as she sat down, and pulled open her laptop. Cursing herself for oversleeping, and not having the time to grab a coffee on the way, she sat down and began to take notes.

Halfway through the lecture, Y/N heard the door at the back of the room open again. ‘Well at least I’m not the last one.’ She heard whispers and gasps and tried to focus on the lecture until she felt a presence standing next to her and looked up into her boyfriend’s brown eyes.

In his hands was a starbucks cup, a classic ice chocolate based on the label on the cup. Lando placed the cup on the table, before pressing a kiss to Y/N’s head and half jogging out of the room to avoid the fangirls.

Y/N could feel the judgemental looks at the back of her head, but all she could do was smile.

Lando Norris 

200k likes

Lando.norris love you baby 🙂

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[ash-rigby]

I'm doing a raffle where 3 winners get to request a story from me.

I’ll be taking submissions until January 9th and will draw names on the 10th.

Please read all the below information before entering.

Basic Rules/How To Enter:

You must be a follower of this blog.

You must have your age/age range in your bio and be 21 or older (there are personal comfort reasons for that age minimum; sorry 18-20 folks). I won't accept "I'm not comfortable showing my age but I swear I'm 21+".

Reply to this post, send a non-anonymous ask, or DM me to say you want to enter the raffle. Only do this once; spamming will get your name taken off the list and you may get blocked if it's severe enough.

Don't send your request at this time. We'll talk about what you want if you win.

Once I draw the winners, I’ll make a public post listing them and they’ll be contacted via DM (we can move over to Discord at that point if you would prefer). I ask that winners respond to the DM within a week’s time or I may assume you’ve ghosted and draw another person in your place (so if you’ve entered and aren't one to check tumblr every day, just make sure you take a peek over here sometime between the 10th and 17th in case you've won).

The stories won't be worked on at the same time. They will be completed and posted in the draw order of the names. You're basically winning the ability to choose the direction of my next three stories.

If this goes well (i.e. there's enough interest), I will likely run similar raffles in the future!

My DMs and inbox are open for any questions.

Things to Consider:

Requests are required to follow my guidelines of what I do and do not write about. Please familiarize yourself with them; particularly the "don'ts"

I won't be accepting requests for stories involving your OCs. This will be available through paid commissions when I start taking them.

I also prefer to keep my erotica in the realm of original fiction, so I won't be accepting requests for fanfiction.

Requests can be for reader inserts rather than the 3rd person POV of my typical work. I'll be using the 2nd person method ("you", "your" etc.) due to personal gripes with ''y/n''.

In case it wasn't obvious, requests will remain oneshot short stories, so don't expect that I'll write a multi-chapter slowburn for you for free.

Any requests for groups can't exceed threesomes.

You can request monster/monster stories that exclude a human character entirely.

You can request stories involving characters of mine. They can be continuations of existing works or new ones entirely. I'm happy to write about any one of them.

Also Note:

I value my time, effort, and mental well-being. If you start acting belligerent or entitled during our correspondence, I hold the right to reject your request, potentially block you, and pick someone else. General rule of thumb: be respectful and patient 💜

Good luck, and thank you!

[phneltwrites]

On Smut Writing

hey if you're a young royals writer and you struggle to write smut but you want to, I'm happy to chat. We can talk through your idea and discuss strategies. (ofc if you never want to then that's fine too!)

Otherwise also big recommend on this very old essay (like so old it both uses and defines the word slash): here

Also, here is a brief summary of my personal method. These tips also work for: action scenes, dance scenes, and dream sequences

figure out my zing (what is zing? read the essay)

put that at the centre of a mindmap

get mindmapping, build out the branches until I feel like I have a good sense of the major components of what makes that particular zing work

Give the characters a goal or need that must be met by the scene

unlearn shame and embrace joy. If time does not permit to unlearn shame and embrace joy, you can substitute by covering your screen while you write or playing music really loudly

write. Whenever the fic gets stuck, go back to the mindmap and pick a new branch. Put your zing at the centre of every paragraph

for tips on the writing, also refer to essay above

General smut writing tips:

focus on the sensation, not the choreography

give the scene structure. build towards something and then have a denouement

characters gotta want something at the beginning of the scene that is not an orgasm. At the end of the scene they should have it or be on the path to it

Drive plot through action. Remove dialogue and discussion and show those elements through touch

pick your terminology set and don't be afraid of repeating those words

Example below with nsfw text (though please don't be reading this at work I'm not responsible for that)

ok here's an example of how I put that into action for my fic 'I didn't just come here to dance' wherein Simon wears a plug to the club

my zing is sex toys worn under clothing

my mindmap

sorry this is terrible to read my handwriting is and has always been awful.

But here there's a few things that are on the mindmap. I've got public, sensation, discovery, denial, comeplay, and play, with their little branches off of them. Some of this is written as I go, some of it is omitted and included in the writing depending. It's a guideline

4. ok gonna be real this scene has less of a clear goal cause it's written to prompt, but here Simon has a goal of driving Wille out of his mind and Wille has the goal of showing Simon how much his mind was blown. So that's trust and partnership and communication.

But fr. ex in a longer fic I wrote, I put in a scene scene to show that Simon is feeling disconnected and frustrated and trying to distract himself from his uncomfortable feelings (not about Wille) through sex. So Simon has a goal and Wilhelm has a goal of taking care of Simon and they both can't get exactly what they want.

5. we keep working on this one! Sometimes I stare out the window at the mountains while I'm writing a smut scene so I don't see what my fingers are doing

6. but now I've got: a scene about trust and communication where there's a sex toy. Denial is a key component so they're in a situation where they can't just leave. But they're also going to be distracted so it needs to be a situation where they aren't focused on something else. So now they're at the club with a promise to a friend to stick it out. Voila! A fic.

[redtsundere-writes]

Out Of My League | Kayn Shieda / Rhaast

Heartsteel!Kayn Shieda / Rhaast x f!reader

Part 2: Shotcalling.

Part 1. Part 3. Part 4.

Sypnosis: A chronically online girl trying to get out of the friendzone. Contents: Modern AU, High school AU. Friends to lovers. Fluff and some angst. No warnings. Word count: 6982 words. Author's Note: So... I wasn't going to post a second part but the guys in AO3 asked for it so here it is as well lol.

Two months ago, you discovered that your weird online friend, Rhaast, was the famous Kayn Shieda, one of the most popular boys in school. Luckily, this dynamic change just strengthened your friendship. Now, both talked every time you ran into each other in the hallway and played League at night while criticizing people from school on call. You were lucky to have his attention, even if it meant that your jealous classmates glared at you every time you talked too much to him. You loved this new phase, but you knew it would end soon. 

The school year was a month away and that meant two things. The first one was that the famous annual talent show was approaching. It was a farewell event your school organized for the students. It was an important event attended by students and the general public. At first, it was meant to be a one-time event, but thanks to the great reception it became a tradition. Your math teacher liked to encourage students to participate, so he always gave extra credits to those who did. Credits that you urgently needed if you didn't want to take summer classes. 

So here you were, meticulously searching for a simple song that you could play and sing at the same time on Spotify. You weren't the best singer but at least it would be better than just boringly playing guitar. You were lying on a bench in the music room. That oasis where you met Kayn. That embarrassing memory had transformed into a nostalgic one. You were still an introvert and shy, but not with Kayn. 

"Found you," you heard Kayn as he entered the room with his characteristic velvety voice. 

Your heart skipped a beat mercilessly on your chest like the first day. Your hands started to sweat, so you quickly wiped them on your pants. Your lungs were feeling out of breath with every step he took towards you, but you quickly regained your composure. 

"What are you doing here?" You asked while putting your phone aside, pretending that his presence was no big deal. Kayn threw a soda can at you which you skillfully caught. 

"I didn't see you in the cafeteria, so I thought you'd be here," he said. Kayn quickly noticed your guitar. 

He was an observant man, he almost knew your routine by just watching your behavior. The guitar caught his attention because you almost never brought it to school, unless you participated in class and you didn't have music class that day. 

"Are you going to perform at the talent show?" You nodded and sat properly on the bench to drink the soda comfortably. 

"I have to do it if I want to pass math. I'll just play an easy song," you explained before taking a sip. 

"Heartsteel will also perform. That means we are rivals now," Kayn joked as he sat down next to you. You rolled your eyes. 

"It's not fair, you guys have practically have the contest on the bag," you said while frowning. He laughed at how cute you looked when you did that. 

"Do you already have a song in mind?" Kayn asked curiously. He had never heard you sing, so this new side caught his attention. 

"Yes, it goes something like this…" You replied before picking up your guitar again. Your fingers delicately positioned on the strings and you began to play a couple of chords to create a simple melody. 

"Two sides to a story, but never tell my side. Never been the kinda guy to stay inside the guidelines..." You rapped like Kayn did in Paranoia. He laughed when he heard you. Not to mock you, he just wasn't expecting you to know the lyrics. He couldn't stop smiling as you recited his part perfectly.  

"No one can replace me, baby," he commented sarcastically while applauding at your brief presentation. 

"I know, but I am a close second," you said pretending that your ego was as high as his. 

He watched you closely as you mocked his narcissistic personality. He liked that he could be himself when you were around, but he still couldn't let himself go like he wished. 

"What will you do without me?" He suddenly asked in a serious tone, completely changing the fun atmosphere you had created. 

"We've been online friends for 2 years, I'll be fine," you responded with the same tone as you noticed his concern. Kayn shook his head at the response. 

"You know it won't be like before. When I graduate, I will dedicate myself fully to my musical career and I won't have as much time to play or talk with you as we used to," he explained with a melancholic tone. 

The school year was a month away and that meant two things. The second thing was that Kayn, a senior student, would be graduating soon. You would no longer see him singing in the hallways, eating with his friends or playing basketball. Also, he had recently debuted with his band, Heartsteel, and they had recently released their first single. That would mean he would be busier with rehearsals, fan meetings and concerts. Just thinking about it saddens you, but you knew that he was fulfilling his dream and you had to support him. You still had a month left so you had to make the most of it. 

"You worry about nothing," you told him before nudging his arm so he stopped being so tense. 

"You know that I will always be available for you," you smiled at him so he would stop thinking about the future so could focus on the present. 

It was true that you always wanted to be by his side, but he was a star and you had to give him space to shine. If Kayn was happy, you would be. Even if it meant that your delicate heart would be sad in the mornings when you couldn't see him in the sky. 

The school day ended and you were heading back to the music room to retrieve your guitar. You grabbed the sheet music you had written during the break once Kayn went back to his friends, put the notebook in your bag and hung the guitar on your back. You left the room and looked out the window at a scene you hadn't seen in a while. 

Kayn was in front of a beautiful girl. You recognized her easily given her good reputation as the captain of the school’s volleyball team. With just a glance, it was obvious how good they looked together. Did you look like that next to him? Most likely you looked like one of his eager fans. 

She handed him an envelope decorated with hearts and kisses. She was confessing her love to him and he was receiving it. One after another, Rhaast used to tell you that he dated a new girl every week because “there's Rhaast for everyone,” or that's what he always used to say on call. You had already gotten used to seeing that scene in the distance many times when it came to the out of league Kayn, but this time it was different. Because you were close to him, you now felt like you had a chance to confess your feelings with ease and that's why you were jealous of the captain. Now you understood your jealous classmates, you had become one of them. 

If your time with Kayn was limited, you had to make the most of it. You had to confess no matter the outcome. Sure, you were afraid that he would cruelly reject your feelings but you didn't care. You wanted to tell Kayn everything your heart had been locking up since you first saw him. 

If you were going to confess, you were going to do it in Kayn's style. You were going to give him the best confession he had ever seen in his life, so you could stand out among your pretty rivals. You were going to write him a song and perform it in front of the whole school at the talent show. Did you know how to write a song? No. Were you ready to sing your feelings in front of a large audience? Also no, but that would be a problem for the future you. You had to do it to make the most out of the opportunity. 

You watched tutorials on YouTube on how to compose music, you researched how to write romantic lyrics, and you asked your friends on Discord what they thought of how the song was turning out. Some showed their support while others made fun of you, but that didn't matter to you in the slightest. Your confidence was the highest it has ever been and no one could take away your motivation. 

You decided to write a song about how Kayn made you feel every time you saw him, how you couldn't take your eyes off him even if you wanted to, and how you wanted him to look at you like you were the prettiest girl in the room. You wrote him a song to show him how bad you wanted him compared to the other girls. 

One night, Kayn sent you a message while you were focused on writing. You ignored your computer because you were repeating a verse that didn't convince you how it sounded with the beat. 

Kayn was in his dark messy room. The glow of his computer dimly illuminated his pale body. He frowned when he noticed that you didn't answer him as quickly as you usually did. He sent another message to get your attention, but this one was also ignored. “She better be showering or else,” he thought, annoyed. Minutes passed by and you showed no signs of life. Kayn had no choice but to send another message... which you didn't answer. This was really rare in you. “Is she mad at me?” he thought before starting to analyze everything he had said or done to find out the reason for your strange attitude towards him. 

“Damn, what did I do?” he asked himself, starting to worry. He got up from his gaming chair to walk anxious from side to side through the gloomy room. “Maybe she's talking to someone else,” he thought, looking at your Discord chat. Out of nowhere, a shirtless K'Sante walked into the room. 

"Hey, Kayn, can I borrow some of your shampoo? I ran out of mine," he asked with a towel hanging over his broad shoulder. 

"Do you think she hates me?" Kayn asked without taking his eyes off the unread messages. “What this have to do with shampoo?” K'Sante thought, confused. 

"Why would she hate you?" he asked, unsure if he wanted to participate in the conversation. 

Kayn trusted K'Sante when it came to talking about girls because he was the one who gave the best advice out of all the members of Heartsteel. 

"I don't know! I already sent her three texts and she doesn't answer me!" Kayn cried, desperate for attention. K'Sante sighed as he shook his head. 

"You're overreacting," he said, getting fed up with his friend's nonsense before closing the door. Kayn huffed and settled back down in front of his computer. 

Eventually you were able to rewrite the verse that bothered you so much and thus you finished writing the lyrics of the song. You checked your phone and were surprised to see Rhaast's messages. 

@Rhaast: League or what? (10:30 pm)

@Rhaast: Heeeyyyyy (10:38 pm)

@Rhaast: YOU CAN'T BE BUSY, I'M YOUR ONLY FRIEND!! 😞 (10:45 PM)

You didn't hesitate to call him as soon as you read those messages. Rhaast answered you almost immediately. 

"What did I do to deserve your coldness?" he asked, annoyed at you. “What's up with him?” you asked yourself. 

"Nothing, I was just busy," You said as you searched in your room for an excuse to give him other than “I was writing a love song for you.” 

"I was doing homework, Mr. Smith left us so many problems to solve," you said as seriously as possible to lie the best you could. 

"You better, you said you would always be available for me," Kayn refuted, less angry this time. 

"I'm sorry I have a life outside of you," you responded sarcastically. 

"I will always be part of your life!" he barked. Kayn was grateful that you couldn't see his cheeks slightly blushing for saying that so boldly. You smiled and shook your head. 

"Yeah, yeah... Are we going to play or are you going to keep yapping?" You mocked him before opening the game. Kayn sighed in relief after realizing you weren't upset with him. 

The talent show was two weeks away. You were practicing the song you had written in the music room. It was 5 pm. There were almost no students in school, so you felt comfortable practicing without interruptions. Your fingers slid along the strings to play the melody that you had worked so hard to compose. You sang what your heart wanted to say to Kayn but was too of a coward to do so. You were in your element.

"It doesn't sound bad,'' a voice said behind you out of nowhere. You screamed in shock and turned around quickly to see Kayn's friend, Yone, standing in the doorway. You were relieved that at least he wasn't your crush. 

You didn't know much about Yone. He was one of the popular kids in school thanks to his height, handsome appearance, and his piano skills. He was also a very important member of Heartsteel because he was the main producer and songwriter. You only knew that because Kayn talks about him from time to time to complain about how uptight and serious he could be.

"I'm s-sorry, I was-sn't expecting anyone here," you stubbornly said when you saw the handsome boy with white hair and red highlights, a perfectly sculpted face and a great presence enter the room. He approached you while analyzing you from head to toe. 

"Did you compose that?" He asked skeptically before taking your sheet music notebook. 

"Ah y-yes, it's the firs-st one I w-write," you responded, avoiding his intense gaze as he flipped through your sheet music and notes. 

Yone knew perfectly well who you were. You were Kayn's closest friend, which is already a pretty impressive title considering Kayn has no friends. He might have many acquaintances, but he could count his true friends with one hand. He knew you were nice, funny, good at playing League and liked to play guitar. Yone didn't really care, but Kayn couldn't stop talking about you. He was surprised at your apparent interest in writing music since his friend had never mentioned it. 

"Is it for Kayn?" He asked directly about the song. Your eyes widened at how quickly he deciphered the lyrics.

"What?! Of course not!" You blurted out blushing. Yone gave you a dubious look as he handed your notebook back. 

"By the color of your face, I can determine that you are lying" Your head fell in defeat. 

"Please don't tell Kayn. It's a surprise," You begged. Yone nodded in camaraderie. As a songwriter, he understood that songs are sacred and confidential until one wishes to share them. 

"Your song has potential, is it the one you will perform in the talent show?" he inquired. You just nodded. His serious expression did not allow you to decipher his true intentions. 

"Do you think Kayn will like it?" You asked him with a light blush running down your cheeks in awkwardness. Yone thought about his answer. 

"I've never seen Kayn listening to a romantic ballad, that sounds more like Ezreal's style," Yone answered as he approached one of the storage lockers in the room. The reason he was there was to get back some amplifiers he had lent to a classmate.  

"But I can help you produce something he will like," he offered before stuffing the amps into his backpack. 

"Will you really help me?" You asked excitedly. 

"I like supporting new artists and I think I can polish the rough diamond you have in your hands," he explained, pointing to the music sheet. You smiled and thanked his kind offer. 

And like that, the days went by. Yone would invite you to his production room from time to time to work on the song. Together began to change some verses so that the lyrics flowed better. Yone changed your acoustic guitar for an electric one. You recorded your voice while he worked on uniting all the sounds to create a song so you could proclaim your love. 

Both were listening to the final version of the song. It was direct and fierce. The sound of the guitar next to the drums was made to catch anyone's attention, but it would definitely catch Kayn's. When it finished, you applauded the wonderful job Yone had done. 

"It's such a bop!" You shouted excitedly, unable to believe that you were the one singing. 

"Kayn won't know what hit him when I perform this bad boy!" You said enthusiastically. Yone smiled softly seeing you with so much energy, something that was unusual in you. 

"Can I ask you something?" Yone said. You looked at him curiously.

"Why don't you just tell him this in private? Why composing  and singing a song in front of everyone? Doesn't sound like something you'd do," Yone asked.

"Because I want him to look at me the way I look at him when he's on stage. I want him to see that I understand him and that I'm cool as well so that he wants to be with me," you explained with a smile plastered on your face thinking about his reaction. Yone nodded before saving the song file to his computer. You got up from your seat to grab your things. 

"You have something else to do?" You asked him. Yone said no. 

"I'll treat you to a coffee, it's the least I can do after tolerating me these couple weeks," You invited. Yone giggled. 

"Believe me, Kayn and the guys are lucky they're talented." He said tiredly. You just limited yourself to laugh. 

Both arrived at a coffee shop near Yone's apartment and ordered delicious drinks. You sat on a comfortable couch to enjoy your coffees while bossa nova covers played in the background. You liked Yone, he could be serious and a little bitter, but he was very kind. It was like you were hanging out with a cat. 

"Are you ready for tomorrow?" Yone asked while shaking his cold brew so that the ice would cool the coffee he was about to drink. 

Tomorrow was the talent show. Your nervous body was shaking but your mind was excited to finally show Kayn what you've been working on for him. 

"Yes, I'll practice all night and put on a nice outfit," you answered confidently. Yone sipped his drink as he watched you excitedly talking about your outfit choices. “I hope Kayn doesn't ruin it” he thought as he focused on seeing you smile. 

The bell that indicated the entry of new customers into the cafe rang. To both of your surprise, it was the other members of Heartsteel, Kayn among them. Your body froze and you looked at Yone worried but he was as calm as always. You tried telepathically telling him not to say anything about the song, but he already knew that. Sett became aware of your presence as soon as he entered. 

"Hey, Yone. I thought you said you'd be busy," Sett said as he approached you and the other members followed him. 

Kayn didn't know what to say as soon as he saw you sitting so closely to Yone. "What's going on here?" he wondered as his gaze bounced between you and his friend. You looked nervous, like you had been caught red-handed. 

"I was busy," Yone answered, pointing in your direction. 

"Doing what exactly?" Kayn questioned, placing himself in front of both of you. You were going to answer but Yone beat you to it. 

"I'm helping her with her performance for the talent show," Yone explained calmly. 

"That's true?" Kayn asked you directly with a grim expression. 

"Yes, he has helped me a lot," you responded nervously, which Kayn obviously noticed. 

He knew you were lying. You were a terrible liar. Kayn needed to know what was really going on. 

"Really? Because it seems like you lovey doveys are on a date," Ezreal stirred the pot without knowing. Aphelios whack him for saying such thing. 

Date. That was the word that broke Kayn. “Are they really on a date?” He thought as if he couldn't understand the situation when it was so obvious. Yone and you being alone, him suddenly being busy the last two weeks without telling anyone what he was doing, and that time where you took a while to answer his messages. It was as if Kayn had finally put the whole puzzle together but he was forcing pieces into the incorrect places. “They're dating” he convinced himself that what was in front of him was reality. 

"I have to go," Kayn said suddenly before quickly leaving the premises. No lame excuses, he just left. 

You noticed that something wasn't right when Kayn slammed the door of the establishment, so you got up and left after him without apologizing to anyone. You went out into the street and looked for Kayn to see which way he had taken. To your surprise, he was nowhere to be seen. “He's fast,” you thought before heading to the right… when Kayn had gone left. 

After not being able to find him, you sent him a Discord message to make sure everything was okay but he didn't reply. You decided to leave him alone and see him at the talent show. “Maybe he's just jealous that I became friends with someone else” you thought, trying to find the logic in Kayn's illogical behavior. 

The day of the long-awaited talent show had finally arrived. The school auditorium was filled with students, family members and journalists waiting to see an incredible show. Your nervousness and anxiety increased as soon as you entered backstage. Beautiful girls in pretty leotards, guys going over their lines and clowns bombarded your field of vision and you didn't know who to see. You held tightly the strap of the electric guitar case that Yone had lent you for the performance. You took a deep breath and entered the place. 

You ran into the Heartsteel members among all the contestants. Everyone was there except Kayn. “That's weird” you thought. Ezreal and K'Sante complimented your black dress when they saw you, you thanked them while stuttering because you hardly knew them. Yone asked you how you felt and you told him that you would do your best. 

"We'll go bowling after the contest, do you wanna come?" Ezreal asked excitedly. You looked around wondering if Kayn was coming. 

"Kayn is going," Yone commented to reassure you. In that case, you accepted. 

Just then, you heard Kayn's voice behind you... along with the laughter of a girl. He entered backstage holding the volleyball captain by the waist. They looked good together. Too good. Your breathing hitched and your heart broke when you saw them so close together. 

"See you later, beautiful." Kayn said goodbye to her as he released her so she could go with the girls in her group. 

Their gazes met. Kayn's heart sped up when he saw you in that pretty dress that allowed him to see your nice legs while yours felt like it was fading little by little. He approached you to look at you closely, trying not to say anything flirty.  

"First time I see you in a dress, good for you," Kayn commented, pretending he didn't care about your glow up. "That's all?" you asked yourself, remembering how indecisive you were picking out an outfit the night before. So much effort and all for nothing. At that unenthusiastic reaction, you only thanked in a whisper. 

"Hey, Kayn. You’re going bowling with us, right?" Sett asked. Kayn held his forehead dramatically. 

"Oh man! I forgot about it! I just invited a super hot chick on a date," he flexed. You couldn't keep listening to him. You needed to get out of there. 

"I'll go deliver my sound," you said before quickly leaving. You could feel everyone's eyes on you as you walked away, causing the anxiety to take over you. 

The Heartsteel members glared at Kayn. Everyone was confused by his asshole attitude. It wasn't new of him, but they had never seen him act like that with you. Yone was the one who was the most pissed off. 

"What are you doing?" Yone asked as he crossed his arms. 

“Nothing, I just said that I won't be able to go bowling tonight,” Kayn answered obviously as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. 

"Don't act oblivious." Yone scoffed, approaching him suddenly. K’Sante stepped between them to prevent the situation getting physical. 

"Guys, we just signed a contract, we can't fight now." K'Sante said trying to lighten the situation. 

"I didn’t do anything. I don't know why you care so much," Kayn said, ignoring his friend's comment.

"It's obvious you tried to hurt her," Yone said, pointing out his clear intentions. 

"Good for you. This way you'll have another excuse to go out with her," Kayn barked. Aphelios rolled his eyes when he discovered the reason for his attitude. 

"I knew it was about that," Yone said, walking away from K'Sante to make it clear that he had no intention of fighting. 

"If I had known you would act like an idiot, I wouldn't have helped her," he said seriously. Kayn was surprised to hear that. 

"What the hell are you talking about?" He asked, calmer, but still tense. 

"You'll have to listen to it yourself." Yone said before heading to one of the sound booths with Aphelios. Kayn just watched them in disbelief, still processing the information he had just heard. 

"Kayn, you must set your pride aside or it will eat you alive," K'Sante advised him before patting him on the shoulder a couple of times. Kayn felt lost. He didn't even know what he was doing or why he was doing it. 

Your mind was a mess. You hadn't stepped foot into the ring and you had already been knocked out. How had you gotten to this point? A few months ago, Kayn was just another cute boy and it was enough for you to just see him from time to time at school. Now you were here, holding back the urge to cry to avoid ruining the makeup you had done for him and that he didn't even appreciate. You were waiting for your turn to perform while you were tempted by the idea of ​​going home. “I'll just play and leave” you thought as you prepared the guitar. 

"You look nervous," someone next to you commented. It was Kayn. You dodged his gaze so he wouldn't see you sad. 

"I'm fine," you lied. He realized. “Now she is really upset?” he thought worried. You weren't just upset, you were disappointed in yourself. How could you be so stupid to think you had a chance just because you were talking to him now? 

"I like to think that I am in a place that I really like when I perform. Just think that you are practicing there and you will be fine," He advised you as he patted your head. 

Given the intimate move, you decided to take a peek at him. Kayn was smiling at you. This time it wasn't a mocking or flirtatious smile, it was a genuine and calm one. He was proud of you. Now you remembered why you had worked so hard on the performance. You wanted to see that look he was giving you in that precise moment. “Please never stop looking at me like that” you thought. 

The host brought you back to reality. Your turn had finally arrived. You took a deep breath and walked onto the stage. The applause of the audience received you warmly as you positioned yourself in the center with your guitar. You glanced at Kayn, who looked at you expectantly. “A place that I really like…” you quoted, thinking about the music room. You imagined yourself sitting on the bench with Kayn in front of you, waiting for you to play the first note. 

♫ This is the last chance. The only one where my soul overflows. ♫

Your fingers trembled as soon as you started, but you tried to maintain your composure. The drums sounded behind you so that your guitar was the center of attention and the piano accompanied your voice. The beating of your heart agitated you but the memories with Kayn calmed you. 

♫ Want to look you in the eyes. You are the lust that never managed to satisfy. ♫

Kayn watched you from the side, not believing what his ears were listening to. His eyes went up and down observing your anatomy. He wanted to tattoo your image in his mind so that he would never forget it. Kayn was speechless, but he didn't want to say anything because he just wanted to listen to you. 

 ♫ My engine revs when you're around. You set me on fire and I consume myself again. ♫

"She worked really hard on it," Yone mentioned approaching Kayn as music exploded from the speakers. Kayn looked at him stunned. 

"You knew," He said, finally completing the entire puzzle with the pieces in the correct places. 

"She composed it herself. I just helped with the instrumentalization," Yone explained without taking his eyes off you like a proud teacher. 

"We never went on a date. She's crazy for you," he continued. Kayn just smiled at that.  

♫ Give me a kiss, I’m only asking for one, my love. ♫

You sang from your heart. You no longer cared if Kayn stopped talking to you and left with the captain. You finally felt free. More than singing, you proclaimed each verse you had written with a passion that you didn't know you had inside. You loved Kayn, you loved him very much and you wouldn't stop loving him until he gave you a good reason to do so. You wanted to be always with him even if you were just friends.

♫ Stop my suffering. Stay with me. ♫

You played the last note and the applause rained down on you, but there was only one that truly mattered. You looked at Kayn applauding you, not caring if his hands were hurt from the impact. A sigh of relief escaped from your lips when you saw that he liked it.

You returned backstage to more applause coming from your classmates and Heartsteel. You smiled shyly as you placed the guitar on your back. 

"Wow, you really know how to rock!" Sett exclaimed, fascinated. 

"Thank you, I wouldn't have done it without Yone," you acknowledged him before looking at Kayn, making it clear to him that there was nothing between you. 

"You looked amazing, I knew you would do great," Kayn said before ruffling your hair in a friendly manner. You couldn't help but smile at the attention he was giving you. 

"Finally, what everyone has been waiting for! Let's welcome Heartsteel to the stage!" The host announced. 

"It's our turn!" Sett said excitedly as the members walked out onto the fierce stage. Kayn stayed back for a second.

"I want you to look at me," Kayn requested seriously before following them. You could only nod obediently. 

♫ Two sides to a story, but they never tell my side. Never been the kinda guy to stay inside the guidelines. ♫

The iconic melody began to play. The audience went crazy and people were singing excitedly. Several of your classmates crowded next to you to watch the performance. “Kayn looks great as always” you thought as you watched him rap with his cool flow. 

"I love you, Kayn!" A girl next to you shouted that you didn't see before because you were stunned by Kayn's performance. 

It was the captain. Kayn's girl. “Here we go again…” you thought before the avalanche of insecurities took over your body again. While listening to Paranoia, you realized something. “I already did what I had to do, now I can go home” you thought as you turned around and disappeared among the tsunami of students. 

♫ They prayin' for the death of the rockstar. ♫ 

The song ended. The members' ears were greeted by the roar of the public. Everyone was happy, even Kayn... until he realized that you weren't among the people applauding. You had abandoned him. A panic sensation took over his body and he needed to act immediately. He didn't hesitate to run off the stage to go after you. 

“You're so dumb, it's like you've never dealt with a woman before!” he thought, annoyed with himself before leaving the auditorium. His eyes searched for you in panic. If he let you go, he would lose you. He ran all over campus looking for you. He was grateful to have an athletic body so he could run at full speed after an energetic performance. 

He finally left campus and saw you sitting on a bench waiting for the bus that would take you home. You looked sad, as if you were holding back tears. Kayn ran over to you and pulled you out of your seat so you would get up. 

"I told you... to look… at me!" He said angrily with his voice cracking from fatigue. You were so shocked by the state he was in that you forgot you were about to cry. He was bathed in sweat, his hair was messy, and he had lost one of his piercings. 

"But I did see you, you did great," You said, confused. His hands wrapped around your wrists tightly carefully so he wouldn’t hurt you. It was like he was afraid you would run away again.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, catching his breath. 

"I'm going home. What are you doing here? The captain must be waiting for you," You asked, still confused. Kayn took a deep breath and looked into your eyes. He was ready to confess his crimes. 

"I lied. I don't have a date tonight. I was just jealous of Yone and wanted to make you feel the same. I'm sorry," He confessed heavily, feeling guilty for his actions. 

"What?" Your eyes widened at that unexpected revelation. 

"The girl is from my class and is a Heartsteel fan. She wanted help getting closer to Yone," he sounded like he regretted his actions, as if he were about to cry as well. You couldn't believe what you were hearing. 

"You look so hot. You have no idea how much I wanted to tell you," he said with a mischievous smile as if that was going to fix something when you were still more lost than a child alone in a busy mall on Christmas. 

"What?" You repeated, not knowing what to say. Kayn took your hand and pulled you to him. 

"Let's go somewhere more private." He said as he guided you. 

The school was empty because everyone was in the auditorium. Kayn ended up leading you to the music room. It was becoming a habit for both to meet there from time to time. A custom that, unfortunately, would last only a little longer. You left your guitar in the entryway as you watched Kayn trying to find the best words to start the conversation. 

"Do you know why my relationships don't last?" He asked, embarrassed. 

“Don't say it, don't say it '' you repeated to yourself in your mind. You knew perfectly well the reason. His girlfriends didn't last long because he had a mad personality. You had listened to Rhaast complain about his countless girlfriends for over two years, thinking how lucky you were to not fall into his charisma. Oh, how the tables turn, huh?

"Because you are... an idiot?" You finally responded. “Shit, I said it!” You scolded yourself. Kayn let out a malicious chuckle. 

"An idiot you wrote a song for," He finished off and destroyed you. You felt like your soul detached from your body and it didn't know how to get back. Your head hang in surrender. 

"Did Yone tell you?" You asked with a thin voice. 

"In the end, I was right. You're crazy for me," he said, still smiling to himself, but his serious expression returned when he remembered why he had brought you in the first place. It wasn't time to flirt. 

"But you're right, I'm an asshole. That's why everyone cuts me off when they realize. I'm not patient, I'm rude, I hate a lot of people, I drive like a maniac, I don't like being bombarded with attention but I also don't like not being given attention, and well, you know, a lot of other things..." He explained, still embarrassed. This caused him to recap in his mind every girlfriend he had in the past. 

"Most girls approach me because of how cool I look and am, but they break up with me when they realize who I really am," he explained. 

He also explained that this not only happened with girls, but also with ex friends. He told you that he used to be in another band before Heartsteel and that they kicked him out because he was a “troublemaker.” It was the first time you saw Kayn open up in such a way. He finally felt comfortable enough to vent to you. 

"Then I met you. We've been talking for two years and you never judged me when I thought I could never change who I am. Today you showed me that I can. I just needed motivation to do so, and that's you," he said before reaching out to take your hands. It was something he had done before, but this time felt different. It's like he was finally holding a valuable and fragile object. 

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, it's just that I couldn't bear losing you like the others. You are the most important person in my life," he said as he tenderly caressed your knuckles with his thumbs. 

The information was still being processed in your mind. You didn't know how to react, you still couldn't believe that Kayn thought that way about you. You were relieved that you at least had a special place in Kayn's mind, in his heart you didn't know, but in his mind it was obvious. 

His hands cupped your flushed cheeks. Kayn looked into your eyes, then lowered his gaze for a second to your lips and then brought it back up again. His thumbs caressed your skin with a tenderness you didn't think he was capable of. 

"I want you to be by my side forever," He whispered so that you were the only person in the world who could hear him. Your heart began to jump with joy upon hearing that your most precious wish was being granted to you. 

His touch felt like a dream, his eyes gave you warmth and his words were full of hope. You whispered his name, letting him know that you wanted the same thing. Kayn bravely reduced the distance between you. His lips brushed against yours and you felt like your feet were no longer touching the ground. 

Kissing Kayn was like sailing through a storm. His kisses were fierce and volatile but his hands running along your waist gave you security so you could enjoy the adrenaline. You hugged him by the neck to get closer to him, melting into each other. Kayn deepened the kiss, causing you to step back until your back hit the wall behind you. 

Even though he already had experience with other girls, Kayn was enjoying every second as if it were his first time. Their lips moved in sync as if you had done this before. He didn't hesitate to stick his tongue inside your mouth which caught you off guard because you didn't have much experience, but you trusted him and just let yourself go. 

Kayn ran his hands over your body without any shame. He didn't care at all if anyone saw you, he wanted to enjoy that first kiss to the fullest. The fingers of his right hand tickled your hips while the other one grabbed your butt tightly. It was the first time Kayn felt so grateful with the gods to be with someone as cool and patient as you. 

"Kayn, don't do that... Ouch!" You scolded him as soon as he bit your neck. He coldly planned to leave you a deep purple hickey for everyone to see. You tried to stop him but the vampire didn't want to leave your neck alone. He only stopped because his phone started ringing. He reluctantly moved away from your neck to answer. It was Ezreal. 

"Hey, Kayn! Where are you?! We won the cont-!" Kayn hung up on him because he had more important matters to attend to. 

"Kayn! Don't give me a hickey! My mom can see it!" You scolded him as he looked at you tenderly. He couldn't take you seriously when your face looked like a tomato. He silenced you with another kiss that you gladly received. 

Finally, he was all yours. You have achieved it, how? You still didn't know exactly how but you were happy with the result even though you thought he was out of your league. 

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Masterlist.

[mariacallous]

The tragedy of New York Mayor Eric Adams, who’s facing a dizzying number of investigations targeting him and his inner circle, was foreseeable. Indeed, it was foreseen. 

“We all know you’ve been investigated for corruption everywhere you’ve gone,” a rival candidate said to the then-Brooklyn borough president during a mayoral debate in 2021. “You’ve achieved the rare trifecta of corruption investigations.”

That didn’t deter Democratic voters, and Adams — an ex-cop and native son of the city who ran on his biography and a promise to restore public safety after crime rates and fears shot up during the pandemic — eked out a victory in the party’s closed primary, which made him a sure thing to be the city’s 110th mayor and just its second Black one. 

nce that was official, Adams proclaimed himself the “future” and the “face of the new Democratic Party.” He also started publicly partying all night at clubs, sometimes with felonious friends, when he wasn’t talking about how God had told him 30 years ago he’d be the mayor in 2022 and should share that good news with the world — something he’d never publicly mentioned before winning the election. 

The new mayor immediately brought in a crew of cronies with sullied records, including a deputy mayor for public safety overseeing the NYPD, Phil Banks, who’d abruptly retired as the chief of department in 2014. 

Banks left that post about a year before it came out that he’d been an unindicted co-conspirator in a case involving two guys who went to prison for bribing the previous mayor. One of them testified they’d treated the police chief to plane trips around the world and the services of a prostitute when they weren’t smoking cigars and storing their diamonds in the chief’s office at One Police Plaza. 

Banks, who’s denied any wrongdoing but says he regrets the association, had his home hit and his phones seized in the FBI’s synchronized early-morning raids last week. Again, he said through an attorney he’s done nothing wrong. 

Those raids, though, are a sign that this new probe is far enough along for prosecutors to go public with it — and get a federal judge to sign off on their concerns that the deputy mayor for public safety and the police commissioner might destroy evidence if given the opportunity. 

Last week’s raids were reportedly distinct from earlier raids of top Adams allies in two previously reported probes being conducted by two different federal prosecutors, who both needed sign-off from Justice Department bosses in Washington, D.C., to go after the mayor of America’s biggest city. 

There’s the ongoing investigation into Adams’ travel and ties to Turkey, along with campaign cash that appears tied to the Turkish government. And the ongoing investigation into Adams’ travels and ties to China, along with campaign cash given through secret donors. The mayor had his cellphone seized by FBI agents last year as part of that case. 

And now two new investigations that appear to be about influence schemes involving Adams’ appointees at the highest levels of his police department and administration steering public money to family members.

In just three years, Adams has bested his old corruption probe trifecta: There are now four separate, though possibly overlapping, federal investigations targeting his inner circle and the mayor himself.

No one has been charged with any wrongdoing in those investigations, and Adams says he always follows the law while asking the public to respect the process and withhold judgment. 

New Yorkers might know more soon, as the feds have already impaneled at least one grand jury. With the city’s primary next June, prosecutors are up against long-standing Justice Department guidelines about not having cases interfere with elections.

But New Yorkers are already rendering a verdict in the court of public opinion. Adams at the end of last year hit the lowest approval rating ever recorded for a New York mayor as voters have been choking on all this smoke, also including the corruption trial of his former buildings commissioner, the guilty pleas from members of a crew including another ex-cop and old friend of the mayor’s for their own straw-donor scheme involving his campaign, and the guilty plea of a Chinese billionaire who also sneaked money into his campaign, as well as those of other American politicians. 

Tim Pearson, another ex-cop and old friend of Adams’ who now runs a shadowy new mayoral oversight agency, also had his phones seized by the FBI last week. Pearson has been accused in multiple civil suits of ruining the career of a police officer who wouldn’t sleep with him and the supervisors who tried to protect her while hunting for “crumbs” of his own from city contracts. Taxpayers are covering his legal bills at the mayor’s behest and over the objections of the city’s former top lawyer, who was then pushed out. 

So many of Adams’ problems seem to involve the gap between his mantra of “stay focused and grind” and his need to swagger and test limits. 

Polling shows New Yorkers still like much of his agenda but don’t like him or how he’s executing it. He keeps repeating “crime is down” but not saying down from when or how much, and the data is mixed and most New Yorkers don’t really believe him. 

It hasn’t helped that Adams’ police department is increasingly unhinged in its public communications, with one reporter at the cop-friendly New York Post getting attacked this week as a “f---ing scumbag” and the official NYPD account even giving me the wannabe Trump-y nickname “Harry ‘Deceitful’ Siegel” earlier this year. 

No wonder Democratic challengers are lining up to take on Adams next year, assuming he’s still there, in what would be the first contested primary against a Democratic incumbent since David Dinkins upset Ed Koch in 1989. 

Asked at a news conference Tuesday what he would do if he were indicted, Adams said he intended to remain as mayor and run for re-election before adding that he wouldn’t engage with hypotheticals.

The tragedy of Eric Adams is that he’s done this to himself.

[beardedmrbean]

I heard we are now at the cusp of chlamydia being untreatable via antibiotics, fun times

In United States, drug-resistant gonorrhea is a public health problem of national concern. But untreatable gonorrhea isn’t the only STD that has health officials worried.

Earlier this week, the World Health Organization released new treatment guidelines for three common sexually transmitted diseases — chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis— in response to increasing antibiotic resistance.

Gonorrhea has developed the strongest resistance to drugs, but the worries about untreatable syphilis and chlamydia come at a time when rates for the three STDs are rising rapidly in the U.S, especially among young people ages 20 to 24. According to data published by the CDC in 2014, the most recent year available: cases of chlamydia have increased 2.5 percent; gonorrhea 5.1 percent; and syphilis 15.1 percent. This is the first increase in the United States since 2006.

How worried should we be?

“STDs are hidden epidemics of enormous health and economic consequence in the United States,” according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

In the US, STDs are most frequent among college-age women, the highest prevalence being among women, ages 20 to 24.

According to the CDC, there are about 820,000 new gonorrhea infections each year in the United States. In fact, gonorrhea is the second most commonly reported infectious disease, after chlamydia.

In the past, gonorrhea was successful treated by several classes of antibiotics, including the ubiquitous penicillin. Over time, however, gonorrhea has developed resistance to many of them, and now, we are down to one recommended effective class of antibiotics to treat it.

The problem doesn’t end there. Gonorrhea is even starting to show decreased susceptibility to this “last line” treatment option. This makes this bacterium a multidrug-resistant organism, which are often called “superbugs”.

As for chlamydia and syphilis, drug resistant strains have not become common in the US yet, but the WHO report warns that this is a growing problem in many parts of the world.

How can untreatable STDs be prevented?

Anyone who is sexually active can get an STD.

That said, STDs are preventable and there are steps you can take to keep yourself and your partner healthy. Remember that protecting your health is your responsibility:

Condoms: Use them correctly every time you have sex.

Have fewer partners: Ideally, agree to only have sex with one person who agrees to only have sex with you.

Talk with your partner: Talk with your sex partner about STDs and staying safe before having sex.

Get tested: Make sure you both get tested to know for sure that neither of you has an STD.

Get vaccinated: Safe and highly effective vaccines are available for two STDs: hepatitis B and HPV. HPV is in fact the most common STD. There are specific recommendations for routine and catch up vaccinations for these two STDs. ____________________

This is from 2016 and I cut a bunch out of the middle.

2nd bullet point there probably gonna make some people grumpy, something about suggesting monogamy makes people mad.

[tanthamore-events]

Tanthamore Week May 2023 Info (updated)

What is Tanthamore Week?

Tanthamore Week 2023 is a week-long fanwork creation celebration for the pairing Jade Claymore/Kit Tanthalos from the TV show Willow (2022), running from May 22-28, 2023. The theme is “Season 2”!

How does it work?

You create fan content aligning with one of the prompts and post it during the week! You can use the tags and AO3 collection to organise, and we will reblog/post some of the creations.

There are seven prompts, one for each day – they are general and then we have provided specific ideas for each of them. You don’t have to use any of the specific ones.

You don’t have to create something for every day! You don’t have to adhere strictly to the prompts! This is meant to be as inclusive and accessible as possible. There are no word minimums or maximums, no requirements for art size or approach, etc. You can write a long fic that hits each of the prompts, or a drabble for only one prompt – anything is welcome.

All types of fan content are welcome: art, fic, vids, fan mixes, rec lists, etc. If it’s transformative, it’s welcome!

You can add your work to the collection on AO3 here if you would like (use the "Post to Collection" button).

All content should be in some way related to Tanthamore, and to the overall theme of “Season 2”, but other than that, feel free to interpret the prompts and guidelines however you like. We are not going to police your work!

All ratings and content warnings are welcome, but please tag it appropriately (on AO3, using the Archive warnings and rating system as you please, and on Tumblr, with tags that communicate the content in a manner similar to the archive warnings.

Any questions can be asked using our ask box or emailed to us at tanthamoreweek@gmail.com.

Prompts

Day 1: A World of Fantasy

Everything Bavmorda

Tanthalos family history/family tree

Crone backstory

Who is Lili?

Blood of the Six

The history of Kael and/or the Bone Reavers

Who are the Mothers?

Fairies, mermaids, minotaurs, fantasy creatures of all kinds

The Wyrm / the Wyrmworld

Day 2: The Darkness Within

Character goes to the dark side / is evil

Jade gets corrupted by the Crone

Graydon emerges from the Immemorial City

Kit gets taken instead of Airk

Bavmorda corrupts the twins

Madmartigan comes back evil

Day 3: The Journey Home

Return to the Wildwood

Scorpia’s successful mission to free the slaves from Skellin

Vale of Boobs

Revisiting Ballantine's grave

How do they get back up the waterfall at the end of the world?

Return to Nockmaar

Rescuing Graydon

Sneaky kisses

Public kisses

Getting teased

Day 4: Preparing for the Long War

Drawing lines in the sand

Gathering allies

Training Arcs

Galladoorn and the Shining Legion become enemies of Tir Asleen

New allies

Day 5: Haunted

Haunted by decisions made in the past

Nightmares/bad dreams or memories

Supernatural spookiness

Characters are forced to face their fears

Madmartigan returns, and how Kit, Airk, and Sorsha respond

Finally talking about past events

Angst

Day 6: Countdown

Racing against time

Flashbacks

Time jumps

Characters have to be somewhere by a certain time/date

Day 7: Lessons learned

What was gained/what was lost

The Cuirass

Rediscoveries

Processing past events

Consequences of past actions

Understanding past mistakes

Training together

Really excited to see what everyone creates! Please spread the word to your Tanthamore-loving friends <3.

[aichi-division]

𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐚'𝐬 𝐌𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐢𝐫𝐬

Narrated by Shouta Takeda

Part 1: The beginning

Talking about my past is something I'm not used to. I don't think it's really an interesting topic, I mean, I don't think talking about a guy who was always abused by his family and never had a shred of luck in years is something entertaining for the public... shit, I'm sounding like a victim again.

Anyway, maybe this is an opportunity to express what I always tend to hide. I think my colleagues and friends deserve some kind of explanation as to why I am the way I am.

I lived most of my childhood in the downtown area of Tokyo. My family owns a major home appliance company, so you understand, they shit money. Having a lot of money necessarily implies complying with certain guidelines and standards. A bad management of the family economy implies a bad image to the public and my parents were very aware of this issue.

Yes, now you may wonder how someone like me could live such a luxurious life and end up a bum. The answer is quite simple, I broke the rules. Breaking things is something I've always been good at, honestly. My sin was to choose a path that my family despises. My mother, especially, could never look me in the eye after I confessed to her my interest in the arts.

"We raised you to be a Takeda, to be a future leader of our companies. You're so fucking ungrateful."

My parents and siblings have a very simple way to solve this type of problem. It's like when they serve you a menu you don't like at the restaurant. You just throw it away, stand up and walk away. Clearly I was able to pursue a career in the arts, but the cost was losing my entire family.

I was discarded as a piece of trash with no future and with the money I was entitled to by inheritance, I paid for my studies, lodging and any other stupid expenses that came my way. What I didn't see coming was my own inability to excel at the one thing I loved in this life.

Competing against a host of artists who clearly had greater talent and capabilities was something I had never considered. It was like a direct punch in the face. Honestly, it didn't hurt to lose my family, but it did hurt to give them the reason and satisfaction of my failure.

It is an indescribable rage, as if there were fire in my veins and I could not breathe without feeling like breaking everything. From there, everything began to fall into a hole, infinite, dark, impossible to get out of.

In all that chaos, I made several friends with the same bad luck as me, although they were burdened with something I didn't have at the time: addictions. I started with soft drugs, weed, nicotine…. But within a few months I was relying on methamphetamines, cocaine and starting on a path to heroin.

It's not something I'm proud to talk about. It was a hard time, where many times I behaved like a maniac. I convinced myself that the only way to be happy was through those syringes. It took me a long time to realize that reality was far from the mental construction I had of myself.

There was a time when things, our society, the norm had changed quite a bit. Women in power, competition, a new order of which I could understand little, as I was too stoned to realize it. I was living in a haze, in slow motion, living one second at a time, while everything was going to shit.

And it was there that I met the people to whom I owe my life: Issey and Eiji.

They found me in the Aichi district, who knows how, sitting on the sidewalk, humming some song while going through the worst hangover of my life. When they approached me, I really thought they would be one of those punk kids with their urge to beat up bums, pure Clockwork Orange style. What a surprise I got when I realized that they actually wanted to talk to me and recruit me in some so-called rap battles and I don't know what the fuck.

"I like your voice, do you know how to rap? It's not very difficult, you just have to have a good use of words and use a mic to…" Issey kept talking, so energetic and genuine that he sounded like a walking sunshine that would burn any bitter person like me.

“I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, kid.” I said, trying to decipher something that made sense out of all that monologue.

I think in the meantime, Eiji whispered something about me being a drug addict and that they shouldn't come near me, but Issey was very persistent. I actually smile every time I remember that moment. Things have changed a lot since that day.

Issey and Eiji became what I could really call a family. Being older, I had to take responsibility for their well-being and that forced me to change many aspects of myself, starting with rehabilitation.

The light of those two children made me realize a completely different path from what I had proposed and, above all, an opportunity to be a better version of me. I really hope that if Issey and Eiji read this, they know that I love them dearly and that I am very grateful and proud to be able to be their leader.

...ugh, I got sentimental again.

Anyway, I started living life again, starting all over again. I met a lot of people, started and ended relationships, fought a guy for a condom…. I think I'm at my peak.

I know this is the first part of a series of memoirs I should write later, but I think this pretty much sums up the road I've traveled to be who I am now. I'm not a cool guy, far from it.

But I am grateful for what I have.

[thaifanfests]

💧The Religious & Cultural Significance of Water💧

Water plays an important role in Songkran, in that there is a religious significance to water splashing and pouring alongside all the festivities. As mentioned in our What is Songkran? post, the Thai New Year is closely tied with Brahmanism influence and Buddhist practices, so people will make merits at the temple. Making merit is a process in itself that is composed of many factors, but it generally refers to offering donations towards a particular cause and involves “...some sort of force that can lead to positive results in the life of the donor. As you donate, you will expect a benefit in various forms, especially improved karma. That is, merit making can influence the next lives of an individual as well as the destination where such a person will be reborn.” Thus, making merit is a part of Songkran, in which it becomes an opportunity to “practice [merit making] by giving to the monks support of a more material kind, especially food…” or listening to sermons (Merit: Buddhist Concepts).

Visiting the temple during Songkran also consists of สรงน้ำพระ, or song nam phra, which is the ritual bathing and cleansing of the Buddha statue with nam ob. While the ritual can be done at the temple, many people bathe Buddha statues in public places and in their homes as well. Doing so is symbolic of purifying oneself for the New Year (Thai Embassy).

Being it is a time for celebrating with family, Songkran also means paying respects to older family members or elders in one’s life. This is done through the water pouring ritual, รดน้ำดำหัว, or rod nam dam hua; a younger family member will pour scented water on elderly family members’ hands to pay respect and receive their blessings (Thai Embassy). The following video shows a more detailed walk through of preparing the nam ob and the members exchanging blessings:

The water pouring ritual is also done to other older people who may not be related, such as mentors or coworkers.

Beyond religious significance, Songkran is famous for its massive water fights; water splashing is done to signify good fortune in the New Year. Friends and families take up water guns, buckets, bowls, and anything else that can be used to drench someone else. Public water fights take place all across Thailand, and the vlogs in our previous post show just how many people take part in them. It is safe to say that everyone is fair game once the water fights begin, but if you want further visuals, you can check out Golf Pichaya’s vlog below:

Golf and his brother, Mike Angelo, spend Songkran 2019 together with water fights, masks, and dancing. The vlog has footage of large crowds, in which almost everyone is equipped with a water gun before the brothers go back to their room and have a water balloon fight.

We also recommend listening to BRO WHAT NOW?!, a podcast by Mikael and Mathias Lao as they reflect on their teen years and celebrating Songkran in Chiang Mai. They reminisce getting into trouble with drunk festival goers, playing with machine water guns, pacing themselves over the three days, and other fond memories.

🌸 What's SongkranFest2024? 🌸 Guidelines 🌸 Prompts 🌸 Discord & Carrd 🌸

[andiatas]

Leading article: Not princess-worthy

It is completely tone-deaf to sell your own wedding to a foreign celebrity magazine when you are a Princess and number four in the Norwegian line of succession.

Photo: Lise Åserud / NTB

Princess Märtha Louise and her fiancé Durek Verrett are getting married in Geiranger on the last day of August.

Naturally, everyone is excited. The Royal Family and other guests from home and abroad are invited.

There is also the British celebrity magazine Hello! and its Spanish variant, Hola!, which has been allowed to buy the image rights to the party, including the wedding itself. Netflix has the film rights.

Thus, a public, important event in Norway is closed.

The Norwegian people cannot accompany King Harald, Queen Sonja, and their daughter during the ceremony.

NRK and NTB, which have years of tradition of providing film and photos during such important events, are prohibited. We are talking about historical images distributed directly to all media houses.

It is completely unheard of.

A historic event has been left to two foreign companies, and we do not know what [they will] do with the material.

It is no private matter that the Princess is getting married.

Of course, the couple has a right to privacy and shouldn't need to allow cameras when they party - although apparently, that's precisely what they choose to do now - for a fee.

But the only reason Hello! and Netflix will pay for exclusive rights is that Märtha Louise is a Princess, a title she has agreed with her father to not use in commercial contexts.

She has broken that promise several times, which may happen again at the wedding in Geiranger, which is important because Märtha Louise is a Princess.

Märtha Louis has put her father in the embarrassing situation of having to refrain from being photographed at his daughter's wedding.

And it is the right thing to do for King Harald.

Because the Royal House cannot, of course, agree to a deal with a celebrity magazine.

They are public figures who serve Norway on apanage. They can't start charging for posing for photos.

However, this agreement should not have been entered into in the first place, and [the King and Queen shouldn't have to put up with this].

In a poll for Dagbladet, a majority of respondents believe that the Princess should renounce her title.

Unwise choices are enough to destroy trust. Märtha Louise cannot be both a Princess and not-a-Princess [depending on] when it suits her.

Note: This is a leader article. The leader expresses VG's position. The leader do not set guidelines for our news coverage.

Translation and editing for clarity of a leader article by Verdens Gang (VG), published Aug. 23, 2024, at 15:18.

[howtofightwrite]

Hi! Are there certain types of asks you don’t respond to, and/or do you have a huge backlog of them? I sent one in like 3 or 4 months ago and still haven’t seen it come out, so I’m just curious as to what’s going on :) (I’m sorry if you do have guidelines posted anywhere I could not find them)

There are a few topics we won't touch. As a general rule, we're not particularly interested in covering sexual violence, violence on children, child abuse, and animal abuse. That list shouldn't be much of a surprise.

Beyond that, there are a few other things we, generally, won't cover.

The most common are cases where someone wants us to write their fight scene for them. We do offer that as a Patreon perk, but it's not something we're ever likely to do for free here. Off-hand, I think we've gotten about a dozen of those asks this year. The most recent was in the last couple weeks. Now, some of these asks do get public responses, but it's usually in the form of discussing world-building, or because one of us thinks we can get something interesting out of it. The recent “water horse,” question was one of these. So was Professional Monster Removal, now that I think about it. The original ask didn't come through Tumblr, and so I decided to revise it without the prompt. Which, part of why the tone of first couple paragraphs didn't exactly match the rest of the text (if anyone noticed.)

We also can't privately audit your work. At least, not through the ask system. This does come up from time to time when someone will send a sample of their writing (this did happen twice in the last four months.) There's two issues here. One, I wouldn't, so you'd get Michi editing and she is an absolutely merciless editor. The second thing is, there isn't really a way to do that privately in Tumblr. If you did it through Patreon, it would probably be through a shared Google Doc, or via Discord, but if you're in that tier, get in touch, and we can work with you.

I know this isn't relevant to you, but hate mail doesn't generally get a response. This should go without saying, but, I did publicly clown on that Dragon Age fanfiction writer over her attempted death threats a few years back. Similarly most of the misogynistic responses from Women are not Weaker than Men, or any of the subsequent posts, tends to get summarily executed. That stray fan of Shane O'Mara who never really understood his work, tends to get ignored. Though, I haven't seen anything from them in a year or two. Similarly, that guy who wanted me to know that “Space lizards are very important for the economy,” will probably have to wait... forever.

The real problem you're running into is probably because of how our backlog works. It tends to runs in a FILO pattern. That is to say, “first in, last out,” meaning new asks go on the top of the pile, and pushing down earlier questions in the queue. This has more to do with how Tumblr organizes its inbox rather than an intentional decision. For example, if I remember a question from five years ago, and want to answer it, I probably could not find it. I might be able to write up a post without that ask, but I wouldn't be able to notify the original sender (assuming they still use Tumblr.) This is the other reason that the dude who wanted to talk about space lizard economics will have to wait forever, that question was in 2013 or 2014, and there are roughly four-thousand asks burying his inquiry. (As a general rule, the only stuff that actually gets deleted is some of the hate mail.)

Another way to ensure a question won't get answered is to send it to Michi's personal Tumblr blog. There's only 153 in there, but, when answered, they don't get posted to How to Fight Write, and as a result, they're likely to get missed. (To be fair, the most recent ask in her inbox is from April 20, 2021, so that's not you.)

If you're asking about invisible lightsabers, I wouldn't completely give up hope. It wasn't really suitable for a full post, but assuming I can get Tumblr's inbox to cooperate again, it might show up in a batch of questions like the ones earlier this week.

-Starke

This blog is supported through Patreon. Patrons get access to new posts three days early, and direct access to us through Discord. If you’re already a Patron, thank you. If you’d like to support us, please consider becoming a Patron.

[annabelle--cane]

pls I need episode sources for the true ones in the wtnv polls

this is about my "which of these is a fake fact about welcome to night vale" poll and ideally one should take that before reading these answers. having said that, let's go:

NVlians have to fill out triplicate sex paperwork with all potential partners: canon in the novel it devours! a few paragraphs from chapter 13,

2. cecil is an avid tiktok user and regularly records dances at the radio station: this is the false one, it's actually carlos who is the wannabe tiktok star. from episode "218 - the sitter cancelled,"

I tried to get Carlos to take Esteban to the lab, but apparently today they’re doing a dangerous experiment and he doesn’t want our son to get hurt. I’m not sure I believe that. I think Carlos might just want some time alone to work on his Tiktok dances. He’s obsessed these days with getting one to go viral, and he’s putting a few too many hours into choreographing and filming these things. 

3. k[h]oshekh the floating cat is a misogynist: from 195 and 196, silas the thief parts 1 & 2. these episodes are told from the perspective of silas, a former successful art thief who used to work with a partner called sandrine whom he never got on with, largely due to his self-centeredness and misogyny never letting him see her as a full person. it all came to a head when sandrine, as an act of revenge, cursed him to be an immobile mutant cat for the rest of his days, and this is the cat we have known all along as khoshekh gershwin-palmer. however he has mellowed since then and his misogyny has kind of cooled, having kids really changed him.

4. cecil turns a recurring nightmare of his into an nft: I feel the need to say he turned the nightmare itself into an nft, not an artistic representation or anything. from "199 - guidelines for retrieval,"

And thus ends the new Guidelines for Retrieval. Aw, that’s such a nice offer from the Sanitation Department! A little long winded maybe, but I don’t want to be too critical. I know their public communications department has had a lot of turnover lately. Anyway, I definitely will be taking them up on that offer this week. There’s a super vivid recurring nightmare I used to have that would make a great NFT.

5. cecil doesn’t know what fridges are: this one comes from the 2017 live show "ghost stories,"

Cecil: Oh yeah! Carlos and I have one of those humming closets, and when I open it up, there’s a light inside and cool air washes over me and I’m just like – what is this thing? Earl: Well, that’s just your refrigerator, Cecil. Cecil: Wait, that’s a refrigerator?! Earl: What have you been using as a fridge? Cecil: [beat] So tell us more about this master class um, Earl.

6. carlos climaxes in person in voice on podcast: from the patreon bonus episode "holiday." thinking or talking about science at too great length has a long canonical track record of getting carlos hot and bothered, and in one passage of the episode he starts talking about how much he loves doing science with a romantic partner, and, well. I'll just link the clip.

7. a big villain is defeated by getting squashed under a falling cow: major spoilers for very recent content here. in episode "230 - carlos explained," right as dr janet lubelle is giving her big villain monologue, this happens,

DR. LUBELLE: Now you’re starting to understand. There is no defeating me. No trick to wriggling out under my thumb. I’ve gamed out every gambit. Foreseen every fumbling, sweaty strategy. You have lost. And now…now Carlos, I will explain you away. You, Dr. Carlos Robles, were the son of [WHISTLING SOUND OF SOMETHING FALLING FROM THE SKY. LOUD SPLAT] [LONG PAUSE] CECIL: And that’s when the Glow Cloud dropped a dead cow on Dr. Lubelle. I sure hope she wasn’t injured. We should definitely check on her at some point, you know, eventually.

8. joseph fink, irl writer of the podcast, has been a NV radio intern twice: once, in the live show "the investigators," an intern played by joseph fink introduces himself as intern joseph fink. in all fairness, he could just be playing a character with his exact name, I mean, that's what maureen johnson does. however, from episode "188 - listener questions" onward, our world has in-universe been merging with the night vale world, and the actual writer joseph fink has been trapped in the town of night vale for over two years, at one point doing a stint as an intern.

9. a big villain is offered “an extra hour in the ball pit” as a bribe to go away: this one's about dr janet lubelle, again. in the last couple of seasons, tamika flynn has been feeling like she's outgrowing using violence as a tool to solve her problems, so in "228 - diplomacy," she tries the following,

Frustrations have swelled to a new high in Night Vale after Councilmember Tamika Flynn’s failed diplomatic attempts with the University of What It Is. Tamika tried offering them everything from limitless use of the scrublands to a coupon book full of cute tasks like free backrubs. She even offered an extra hour in the ball pit at the Night Vale Convention Center. But Dr. Lubelle and all of her henchmen will not budge.