#and then the fucking 'adhd isn't real' video happened

[darchildre]

My library system has decided that we need not one but two yearly Everybody Who Works for the Library in One Room All Day meetings. We had the first spring one today.

The keynote speaker was the superintendent of a local school district. During his talk, he showed three youtube videos:

A retelling of that not-actually-Native-American "Two Wolves" story

A video about education that had a section about how ADHD probably isn't real, "it's still under debate"

A video about motivation that quoted Jordan fucking Peterson.

This is not the worst keynote speaker we've ever had - he is still beaten by the author who got drunk, and the scammy health guru guy - but good lord.

[halloweenhorrors]

» Headcanons for the different Paulo’s [pt 1]

Summary; These headcanons are all mixed about. There will be general and romantic headcanons on the different Paulo actors. Might update this with more added to it in the future.

I’ve decided to split this into multiple parts due to the fact I’m too impatient and wanna share what I’ve got so far and cause of the fact that I’m still in the works of making headcanons for some other actors/versions of Paulo. So enjoy what I’ve got so far and again please don’t be shy to give me any headcanons. I’d love to hear them! The links take you to the videos where I screen recorded the footage to make the gifs (minus babyface Paulo). Also there will be mention and/or use of y/n, (name), etc.

OG!Paulo (Gianni)

🎞️ Very reluctant about affection and such. Not because he doesn't necessarily want it, but because he isn't used to it. And also because he isn't used to being vulnerable around anyone. He's tolerant with your affections if you've lived this long, just don't expect it back immediately. He'll grow and learn to open up in the future.

🎞️ In this interview, the interviewer described Paulo as the following, “tense and jittery, clutching his jacket, constantly squirming and stammering as disturbing thoughts are shaped into words” which makes me feel like he has, what most could probably agree with me, ocd and adhd. Probably a sprinkle of bpd too.

🎞️ You'll never find him without his film camera. If you see him without it, run walk the other way. He becomes a perturbed mess without it in his hands. Not only because he uses it like a fidget relief but he does not like the idea of something happening and not having his camera with him to capture the moment. Dissociates at the knowledge he can't find the moment he just witnessed with his eyes.

🎞️ Absolutely hates modern technology with a passion. Will go into a hour long rant about how awful cgi as a whole is. Why fake someone getting impaled with a stake when you can recreate the real thing? His thought process for anything that "needs" cgi, for ex. the meg movie, shouldn't be made a movie in the first place if it requires cgi.

🎞️ Sleeps in his suit. Good luck trying to get him to wash it. Actually— good luck trying to get him to take a bath as well. Mf reaks. You’ll probably have to force him to bathe with his suit on so it’s basically killing two birds with one stone.

XX/16!Paulo (My favorite🫣)

🎬 Diva of them all. I'll die on this hill. The videos with him alone give it away.

🎬 Strong take on having ocd and bpd. Mf can go from having a screaming match, with Jack, Adaru, or one of his actors who isnt showing what he's wanting to capture, to being all romantic and flirty towards you moments after.

🎬 Demanding af. Literally expects you to drop anything and everything for him and basically be at his beck and call. He's tall af too so if he's demanding your love or attention and you don't give it to him immediately because your busy? No worries. He'll just scoop you up into his arms and carry you to where ever it is he wants you whether it be to cuddle on the couch or review film footage with him.

🎬 He’s also the most emotional, at least when showing it. Mf was tweaking during the 16 icon movie. Also when the interviewer made a comment about his teeth he literally goes, “what about my teeth? ☹️”. Ik he goes back to being all threatening after that but I’d like to imagine that little comment stuck with him for a few weeks.

🎬 Yknow that trope where the Big Bad doesn't give a single solitary fuck about anyone but their own desires, but their soft spot is their significant other? Yeah, he fits inside that little box real nicely. If anything happened to you he would kill anyone in his path.

🎬 Everything he does, no matter how big or small, has you at the forefront of his mind. You become his top priority once you catch his attention, and catch his attention you certainly have! It becomes kind of obsessive.

Baby Face!Paulo

📹 He's the most quiet of them all in my opinion and from what I've seen from video interactions. Could just be actor's choice but since this post is meant for headcanons, I like to think that he's selective mute. At least until an "actor" or guests makes one wrong move and he has to raise his voice at them. Overall he most likely will just silently pose his actors into whatever position he needs like those stop motion movies where they have to pose the clay figures.

📹 He’s very non expressive, his face is always neutral. Even if you flirt with him he doesn’t react, unless you look close enough to see his pupils dilate or if you put a hand on his pulse you’d notice a spike. It’s all internal. He’d mostly just react by hugging or gentle affection. He’s more actions than words.

📹 Literally sees red if anyone compares or thinks he looks younger than 30 (ik he’s canonically 49). You call him babyface? Little man? Baby boy? Will silently stare into your soul as he imagines all kinds of ways to film your death.

📹 The reason he has two different colored eyes is cause I assume it’s a style choice similar to like a two face reference to how in the video (Gianni’s commercial) he starts off with a normal eye color then slowly switch to pale white. I don’t think he did anything to get his eye to be a different color, I think it basically meant how him and the other icons are dead/immortal now that they’ve embraced fear and are under his influence.

Singapore!Paulo (Billy)

📼 Ngl, from my standpoint, he's the most insensitive and indifferent of the "Paulo versions" or actors. I know some may disagree and say Gianni's is the most authentic Paulo actor and while I do agree his performance was perfection, Singapore's version seems the most authentic in my mind because of the lack of videoed interactions and information about him. The main backstory for The Director as a character is that he left/fled from his home country to flee the police and continue creating his snuff films. It makes it all the more realistic to me that we wouldn't know much about him due to him trying to avoid police, making his films under the radar. Also he just looks intimidating, especially with the scar that we also know nothing about.

📼 This also makes it where he likes referring to the most random past events from his life at the most random times just to fuck with you for a reaction. The more absurd sounding, the better.

📼 Moving on..

📼 "Dating" is a very stretched word when it comes to Billy. Being who he is makes it impossible for him to love like the average person would, because of his dark tendencies having distorted him greatly over time. It's more probable for him to "possess" you as he views you more like a preferable muse than an actual partner.

📼 However, just because he can't mentally see himself as a lover doesn't mean he doesn't try physically. He doesn't particularly care if the outside world believes he can't, but behind closed doors? He's anything but that. He's very similar to Gianni with affection and such but is more reluctant earlier on.

📼 He surprisingly has a huge soft spot for you. After all you are his muse. You have never seen him being angry or even raise his voice in frustration infront of you even if you break his favourite expensive limited camera or changed the layout of his film rolls causing his OCD to irk. But he would just smile at you meanwhile he would peel anyone else’s skin for even doing a single mistake. In his eyes you can do no wrong.

[fagexe]

my doc upped my adhd meds and my brain is rattling and nobody is home for me to talk to… so, here you go, it’s me! a machine of consciousness!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every once in a while i consider getting off tumblr, but then i remember that this is my main(only) source of people who care about mcr as much as i do. Don't get me wrong, i have friends who are always excited to hear me talk about whatever the fuck is going on with those freaks and i love them for it, but they don't really have a lot of opinions or things to say. They like to hear about it because they care about me and want to hear about the things that i care about, which is fucking wonderful! But, at a certain point i feel like a physicist talking to a first grader. They retain most of the information i give them and some of them listened to my chem growing up. But the ones that did were never like seriously into them. They know the hits or maybe had a bp cd in hs but that's it. Aka they weren't/aren't in the spaces and don't really have the full context and overflowing number of opinions that comes from being here for years and years and years. So.... i don't really know anybody irl who was and still is in the fandom. I had friends in “high school” that were into them at the same level i was at that point, but a lot of us have drifted apart or they've drifted away from mcr (i use quotation marks cuz i'm referring to the age range not actually going to high school ((since i didn't do that;) )). I think the third or fourth to last time i saw the person I talked about MCR the most with in hs was at a celebration show that absolutely rocked my world, but that was like 2014 or something idk. I still have that one on instagram:0 they're a dj now! it's so wonderful to see them finding success at something they were wanting to do back then. But like we don't really talk(meaning we don't talk). I want people to go off with irl so badly. dykegerard and amanda are the luckiest fucking duckies, also fievel is the cutest little baby!!!:) (ps i miss living with a dog so bad) (pps yes i know dykegerard has a real name but that's their name in my head) i want to marry somebody who cares about mcr as much as i do<3 it's nowhere near the top of what would be important for me to marry someone, but it would be cute.

Oh dear lord, okay, i went off for a second, give me a minute

Ok, my other thought was -> Yeah, i think i would miss having that (mcr besties) but like i only actually talk to a few people on here and if i wanted to i could talk to them somewhere else. But I like doing silly little zines!! And this is my main(only((unless one of my irl friends is doing one. But those zines are never fanzines, they are usually poetry or political, which I love, but it's definitely a different vibe )) source of knowing when those are happening and knowing when their apps are happening. I know a lot of them are promoted on twitter in addition to here. But! I absolutely refuse to go on twitter in any sort of real and sustained way. Yes, i have a twitter. Yes, i go on there occasionally. But no, i will not be replacing tumblr with twitter, doing that would keep all of the things i dislike about tumblr and the way i interact with it and get rid of most of the things i like about tumblr. Also as far as i can tell mcr twitter is absolutely fucking wild, and not in the way i want it to be.

Speaking of zines :) I've been looking through all of the final submissions for the swarm zine and everyone's work is so absolutely amazing, i'm so excited for it to come out. I'm also just generally like pretty proud of the piece I have in there:) Since going back to school for art stuff everything's gotten to feel much more serious, which isn't necessarily bad. I am genuinely very serious and care a lot about the work I make. But also like having a fun low stakes artistic outlet has been absolutely amazing :) Plus since the thing I work on at school is film/video/installation, working in a format that's not even kind of related to that is really wonderful:)) anyway, FFUCKING GET HYPE FOR SWARM TO COME OUT!! (Having all of that capitalized feels really aggressive and I don't like it but I wasn't sure which part to capitalize so I left it all capitalized. I thought about just having “fucking get hype” capitalized but then it seems weird to go from “high energy” to “low energy”:/, maybe just hype capitalized idk whatever.)

Ok i’m going to go see the regrettes at wickerfest see you later bye-bye <33

[airconditionedgirl]

Hi

My name is Alison. I am a 26 year old transgender woman and I am bisexual. I love my partners very much, and have loved every animal companion I've ever had. I've had sex with four people, two men, one woman and one non-binary person. I enjoy reading novels, playing video games and watching movies. I've had three jobs and I've stolen from all of them, for which I was only caught once. the last job I had to quit because people kept yelling transphobic things at me. I smoke weed, and take a lot of prescription drugs to handle my anxiety, depression, ADHD, paranoia and PTSD. I have been abused physically, and I am plural, which means I have multiple identities with their own names and personalities. Those headmates help me with my issues.

I'm writing this because I want to kill myself.

I want so, so badly to end my life. Being alive hurts in ways I never thought it could, and I hate myself. And I am sometimes convinced that everyone else hates me as much as I do, even if I know that that isn't true.

I'm writing this because if I don't, I'm worried that I will actually hurt myself in some way. I keep typing so that I don't stop. I also type to ground myself in some way, since I suspect that I am having an episode. Hopefully it will pass, but the bad days have begun to outweigh the good ones, so the thought of it passing does not make me feel at all comforted.

I hate myself so much that it's difficult to believe. The obvious solution is to just stop hating myself, but that has not thus far worked. I wish it did.

I don't know what else to write. The idea was to keep going and going until I fell asleep, but I think I made a mistake in saying out loud that I hate myself, because now that is all I can think.

I don't know what else to write.

If I end up posting this, there isn't any reason to be concerned. Fortunately, my desire for the pain to cease and the need to hurt myself never actually comes to anything, since I don't actually want to kill myself, I simply want to die.

It's not an ideal situation to be in, but it does result in little more than depression and emotional self harm, so if you worry that I won't be here tomorrow, I will be.

But I want so badly for the pain to go away. Part of me wishes my depression was worse so that I wouldn't feel anything. The other part of me wishes my problems were worse, so that I'd actually kill myself.

But then part of me doesn't, the real part of me I suspect.

I love my partners, and I think they'd be hurt if I died, more than my death would help them. And of course they'd miss me.

it's possible that this comes from a place of supreme arrogance. I am very smart and clever, if not always wise, and I am usually correct about what I think. So when I start hurting myself mentally, my brain says that I must be right to do so, because it's so used to being right. Which I guess is a fundamentally immature way of looking at it.

Of course I know that these thoughts and the pain comes from a lifetime of abuse, but it's difficult to heal mental scars when the mental scars inhibit the ways you can think and process information.

I hate myself so much, and I wish I were dead. I hate myself so fucking much, and I wish I were fucking dead. I hate myself so fucking much. I hate myself so fucking much.

I don't know what else to say.

I'm not going to hurt myself, but I am going to sleep. I am very tired, and it is 8 am, which is 8 hours past my bed time.

I hope you all do very well today, and that whatever happens, you all recognize that you are doing the best you can, and that you are loved and worthy of love. It always gets better, one way or another. I love you. I love you so much.

Good night, see you tomorrow.

[msvorderofoperations]

New dream journal. This one woke me up pretty early, not because it was a nightmare per se, but because it was deeply fucking unpleasant.

In it, I'm still living with my parents and my dad is still alive and he is as shitty as he's ever been. He's drinking constantly, being a bully, and refusing to admit any wrongdoing on his part. He ostensibly leaves to go to work so I start telling my mom how this shit is not okay and we shouldn't be letting him get away with this. After confronting her with this, she uncharacteristically actually agrees with me. She is apparently very tired of dealing with his volatile nature and needs a change. While she is explaining how he is failing in ways as a person even I haven't seen my dad reveals that he never actually left.

He then accuses us of conspiring against him and all of the other bullshit he did whenever we confronted him about how terrible he had been. I then outline that he's never actually done anything meaningful to make amends for all of the bad shit he's done. He would always shift blame to us for anything he did (including saying that he drinks because I am an introvert [yes, really. This is something he did in the dream and in real life] and that *we* were the ones that needed to change to accommodate his issues). I point out that myself, my mom, and my sister have had to go on medication for neurodivergency issues (anxiety for my mom, depression for me, ADHD for my sister) and the only thing he "medicates" with is booze. And again, of the four of us he is the only one that has never gone into therapy by himself (which is not technically true in real life, my mom only ever very briefly went to marriage counselling, she's never been in therapy on her own either).

It's at this point that while he doesn't admit any culpability, he starts lessening his aggression. Which, as fucked up as it is, is progress! I start trying to find things we can relate on together so it doesn't feel like I'm just finding fault with him. It turns out he's been playing a video game for many years, but he can't figure out how to beat it. This has never been one of my dad's interests, so I see if I can find something that will help him out. As I'm going through and seeing the various mechanics the game has. It's basically a wave defence first person shooter that has a hard time limit. but in checking out the menus, I see that it has a levelling system that both affects your character's stats, but also how the game functions. And my dad has been doing none of this. So he's accumulated hundreds of levels, but done nothing with them to improve his character or make the game easier (my dreams are not exactly subtle).

As I'm explaining this however, I see that some weird teenaged kid is now in our house listening to what's going on. I try to resume our discussion without divulging any private information because I don't want this stranger being privy to our family history. While this is happening, he keeps moving closer and closer to me. And at one point, he starts licking and biting my arm. I do not know what the fuck is wrong this this kid, but I am not having it. I bodily lift him up, and throw him out a window. It's not high enough to really cause any permanent damage but I want the point to be clear: you are not welcome here, go away. And for all that, I hear hurried footsteps back into the house, and so I pull out a knife (a reasonably sharp tantō I was given as a christmas gift) to protect myself.

This bizarre kid tries to insert himself back into this situation, and I am having none of it. I try holding him off with the knife and tell my mom to call the cops. It's at this point however, that I see that the kid isn't alone. He has with him something that is in the vague suggestion of shape to a dog. It's body is about the size of a french bulldog, but it's head and mouth are easily twice the length of it's torso. It's mouth terminates in a sharp point, and it's mouth is full uneven needle teeth, like an anglerfish or some other deep sea monstrosity. And additionally, the skin on it's face is covered with small eyes, which seem to shift in hue depending on it's emotional state. Seeing that this...thing represents the far more pressing physical threat, I start holding it off instead of the teen.

As my mom is on the line with the cops, everything she explains about why this fucker shouldn't be here, he gives an excuse about why he should be allowed to do it. And before long, he has all but talked his way out of everything. And at this point I start shouting because no, this deranged stranger with pica should not be allowed in our home, especially with this fang-toothed monstrosity. At this, my dad finally pipes up saying that this dog-thing did several hundred dollars of damage to one of his guitars. And then the kid pipe in saying his insurance (which he does not have) should cover it.

All while this is happening, the dog-thing has been pressing closer, and I'm at a loss as to what to do. I have the knife out and I'm making my intentions clear as I can, but at the same time I don't want to actually try and kill this thing. The colour of it's eyes have shifted from blue to red, and I can tell I don't have much time left. I turn to tell my mom to get the cops to hurry, and in that moment of divided attention, I feel it's teeth start biting into me and it's slimy vile tongue run over my scalp.

And that's when I woke up.

[curdled-creamer]

i'm in charge

Recently got prescribed a generic version of vyvand? something? too lazy to look up real name. Effect of drug is it is a stimulant that helps ADHD people AND ALSO helps people binge eat less. lil two4one special. I've always had a long history of undiagnosed ADHD and it's nice to finally get it addressed. Ya'll understand, basically you start to notice you have an issue, and then put up obstacles in your mind and delegitimize your own experience so you don't have to confront it. Sometimes that's because confronting the constant, similar issues that the illness creates is somehow better than confronting the unknown problems/solutions that occur from facing it. But here we are. And I'm zooming. If I can better describe what it's been like for me, having ADHD, being neurotic as fuck, basically it's like your body operating like a loud democracy. Don't get me wrong, great for nations. Great for people on a large scale. Everyone should get a say in what happens to them. Not great for a single individual trying to live a competent normal life. Each decision is deliberated manically by a group of different people. (No I do not intend on equating ADHD to multiple personality disorder, it's just a visualization of how I feel) They are all me, but with different interests and wants. Some wants louder than others. I COULD play a game I want to play, but: -What's the point, what does this prove? -Does it have achievements? We can 100% it so it matters. -Do you already know kinda what's gonna happen? Waste of time. -Can you play it with friends? Video Games should be a vehicle in which you socialize -Is it fun? Last one seems easy, right? Yeah it's fun, or no it's not. But for me, it feels like 1 amount of Fun is unattainable by any singular activity/action. The way I visualize my "Fun Meter" is a bar that's segmented. Each segment of the bar is a different activity/action/event that gives me stimulation. I find that I'm at my full "I'm having fun" only when the bar is FULL. Not partial full. Not run by ONE task/activity. For example: "I want to play a computer game!" Okay so to actually feel fulfilled I need at least 3 things going on. 1. The Game being played 2. A video or podcast in the background/on the other monitor 3. A yummy delicious treat or something to work my mouth fixation on I feel strongly within myself, that I need all of these things to experience a worthwhile time. It's funny, because a symptom of this desperate stimulate-maxxing behavior is that I regularly play games on SILENT. Simply because I want to hear the video I'm also listening to. Which has baffled my friends. Imagine playing Fallout and skipping all the dialogue and never listening to the radio stations? Red Dead 2 but not knowing whats going on, just going from A to B and shooting until credits roll. That's how I experience games. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE a good story. But my ADHD prohibits me from actually taking the time to focus and consume it as a singular activity. No singular action is engaging enough for me to not get that gnawing feeling of "this isn't enough, I hate this, it's too low input" It's very annoying to constantly need all cylinders firing at all times to feel sated. But what I'm here to say is, at least for me, the pill solved that. And I am at peace. I quieted all my annoying mental advisors, worriers. I've hushed my neurotic obstacle creating self and allowed me to just exist in a space. I am in the captain's seat of my body again, for the first time in years. Many years. I am in charge. I can't wait to see what I do with this power.

[mycptsdstory]

Vent post.

I'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything right now, extreme dissociation, where I feel out of my body. Been like this all day and I feel extremely scared.

What keeps going around my head is "please don't take away my bf. I love him dearly, please don't take away the one that I love. Please don't take away everything away from me. I'm gonna be homeless, my cats will be taken from me. Please don't take away my bf" over and over and over again.

It's 4:39 am as I'm writing this. I have a therapy session at 11am and I might need more therapy sessions because I'm not doing okay. I'm really not doing okay.

Tbh, ever since I found out my bfs best friend (who lives in Sweden but born in England 🇬🇧) used my bf for content, so she can have her YouTube channel up and running (and yes, he took over so he edited for her and all she needed to do was uploading videos. That's it.), saying horrible shit about me and lying to my face. Her saying "no we are friends" only to find out that we are not... Yeahh, really pissed about that.

You know, it's funny; when people LOVE to cause drama, yet they hate conflict. Funny that, isn't it 🥴

I'm gonna be real, I've always had this deep feeling that she hates me. She told me that we're good friends, but for some odd reason, my gut is telling me otherwise. I found out after 2 years, yup, I was right. She never liked me. Never knew why... I'm guessing because she couldn't have my bf... Yet she's married and hiding her husband. Go figure. Fucking cunt. Oh she has kids, that she said many times on stream "let [username] sort it out". She doesn't even say 'husband' she just uses his username. Like I get it that he doesn't want to be on camera, fucking fine. But like, don't pretend your hiding your fucking husband... She acts like that's her roommate... Wtf. She's so toxic and that in itself is toxic af. Oh and she cheated on her husband for some other guy and I swear, the way she acts 'SiNgEL" wouldn't surprise me that she's openly cheating on him again. Oh and she lets her 4 year old kids go to bed at 1 or 2am in the morning and wonders why her kids act up 🥴 anything happens... Oh [username] has to sort it out. Oh [username] has to deal with it. Like, wtf. Your their fucking mum!! I swear she plays games all day and lets her husband sort out the kids. Wtf. Oh, her husbands family HATES her and thinks she's an unfit mother. She even had the police and social services at her house because her neighbours thought she was an unfit mother. My bf was so oblivious, he didn't see it. Now fair, we are NOT parents... But my intuition was telling me otherwise. She's 38 years old mind you...

My bf is the most caring guy you would ever meet but my god, he's oblivious sometimes. Like she was sending him cute photos, even sfw sexy photos and he's like "that's the photo you should send to your bf" like babe!!! She's attracted to you... Come on!! But he never saw it that way. Like ever, he loves me that much, he never saw it that way. Tbh, I don't even know why. And yes, he's neurodivergent with ADHD so IF it's NOT plain as day, he won't get it. Someone has to tell him straight, like bluntly for him to get the picture and understand the situation. It wouldn't surprise me that's he's undiagnosed autistic. Tbh, it wouldn't explain so fucking much.

I just hope she stays out of our lives. Using my bf, he fucking wasted money on that cunt. All to support her. Ha!! She uses people for her own gain and she's been doing YouTube for about 10 years now and still has 14k subscribers, she wasn't going anywhere, so she went on twitch and gaining popularity because she's pretty. Yet she hides her husband, she acts like she's single, uses my bf for content so he can edit for her. Only to find out, she only uploaded 10 videos out of 70!! She kept promising him money, never received it. He feels hurt because she hurt him.

Like the more I write it down, the more how toxic she really is. She made a new friend that bullied me and I tried to be friends with them both... I even acted all childish like them and then I thought... Nah, fuck this! I'm gonna be myself and her community loved me, but she HATED THAT. tbh, I think it could be jealously too. Remember, jealousy isn't cute. After one night when her community and me played games, they wanted to play games with me. Which I thought was sooo cool! I guess she didn't like it because she hated me after that. Like, wtf. Mate, your jealous. Get the fuck over yourself.

When I thought "she doesn't hate me, it's all in my head" my neck was hot, my body was trembling and I felt like I was having a panic attack. I couldn't eat I felt so sick and during the roughest times of my life, especially with my mother trying to get back into my life. Fucking cunt. I opened up to her about my abuse and she fucking ignored me. Fucking cunt. Like, I thought we were good friends, she told me that we were good friends and she straight up lied to my face. Lied to her community, other than her friend that bullied me. Like, wtf. I'm so done with this shit.

I have zero tolerance for any bitchyness, any gossip and you do it once, I'm done. Bye.

I think this girl has a lot of problems and she's hiding a lot of secrets. I'm gonna ask the only family member i talk too and ask him what does he think about her. He will tell me straight and he's also a witch like me, so no one can fool him. He see's someone's eyes and he can read you.

Btw, since I am a witch. I put a curse on that fucking bitch and I put a protection spell on my bf so he won't get hurt. Her views will tank and all the secrets and lies will be revealed.

I don't normally curse people... But the way she treats her kids, her husband, lying to people and especially hurting my bf... I can't forgive her for it.

[fyodior]

nsfw is fine for me, it can be sfw if you want

not comfy w/ sharing my real name on here so lets just go with Lycoris

i am a computer science student in college

im 5'8, white, i have blue/gray eyes, and dark red dyed hair in a bob with bangs

i am the parental friend who will ask questions, talk to people, keep us out of trouble, volunteer for things etc UNTIL i fimd someone who i trust enough to do that for me. then its chaos. i have adhd if that helps anything lol

enfp

i play genshin, persona 5, and minecraft; i play the guitar and sometimes write music (also sing and play a couple other instruments); i like reading literature: i watch anime; i like solving puzzles and working with technology; i occasionally upload on youtube or stream on twitch (not sharing it to tumblr lol) (im also a christian but im here on a tumblr smut acc)

im a very picky eater, i swear im like a child, i dont try anything i dont already like. i am a very assertive and opinionated person so if i dont like something You Will Know. but at the same time i can keep it back to be polite (except for food im sorry i will live off of ramen until i die)

any of the adult males, fuckin surprise me

nope nothing else to add <3

lycoris x ranpo

✧ surpriseee your silly little man is The ranpo edogawa himself

✧ you guys work so well bc you both compliment and counteract each other. you're very similar in some ways but complete opposites in others, which is. essential for relationships

✧ ranpo is a (loveable) dumbass and could definitely use your parental friend abilities, mostly when it comes to like changing lightbulbs, taking the train, doing the fucking laundry. he's so smart but so stupid pls be patient with him

✧ BUT i think he very much could step up and be that person you could trust wholeheartedly. you could let your chaos show with him he could handle it. he might match it with his own crazy tho bfdakljfk

✧ i would be SCARED to see your guys' kitchen dkfjkadsljf like oh my god. you both are the worlds pickiest eaters, and ranpo's obsession with snacks and sweets...... you would need an entire pantry shelf dedicated to just ramen and another one just for all of his candy. id get a fucking cavity just from entering the room

✧ you're slightly taller than him (2 inches) but he absolutely refuses to admit this. when he stands next to you he'll stand a bit on his tippie toes and everyone just pretends its not happening LMAO poor ranpo </3

✧ you hardcore bond over your love for puzzles and reading and problem solving. this is likely how the two of you ended up meeting and/or interacting for the first time, and is something relatively integral to your relationship. its something that both calms you down and can start fights fkjdalj;f like if you solved a poe novel first he wouldn't speak to you for like 3 days

✧ you are both . very opinionated and this can be good and bad

✧ bad in that you'd have to be very conscious about the fact that you inevitably will butt heads, and knowing the best ways for the two of you to cool off either together or individually.

✧ good because if you guys share a really strong opinion about a certain tv show or hatred for a person that is. talking material for DAYS you could both get hyperfixated on the same things and everyone at the agency is like oh jesus fucking christ. not them again

✧ you'll def find yourselves in arguments about the silliest things which isn't necessarily a bad thing sdlkjfdsjk like one morning you're bickering because ranpo was like NO YOU DEFINITELY HAVE MORE MARSHMALLOWS IN YOUR LUCKY CHARMS THAN I DO and you're like WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING A BOUT

✧ i promise i genuinely think you guys would work well together i really do fklajfkdj

✧ i dont think he really understands video games at all, like thats not his thing. but he def will sit there absolutely mesmerized as you stream.

✧ i know cockwarming where the guy is the one playing the games but why cant it be the other way around. u ride him as you play video games. why not. i said so

✧ he'd LOVE listening to you play music

✧ anyway. power couple. the two of you would drive everyone at the agency insane with your antics but they'd all love you too :)

[thelittlepalmtree]

Okay, now that it's been a few hours since I got caught up on euphoria I want to talk about some of the concerns I have for the show.

Now the biggest concern I have which anyone who knows me will not be surprised is that this is a show about very diverse characters primarily about young girls that is written and directed by a white man. And I just think that sometimes we should step back and ask ourselves am I the person to tell this story? Because Sam Levinson is not the person to tell the story of a young black girl dealing with severe mental health problems and Severe drug addiction. Even if you have struggled with drug addiction which I'm not sure if he has he is still not the right person to tell this story.

And that is why it is giving off such glamorizing romantic Vibes around drug abuse. It is frustrating because I am almost always against the argument of like this TV show is romanticizing this issue that it just talks about. But like I've mentioned before my brother recently passed away he was an alcoholic he was diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar like I am Gia in this story. And the way that all of this is portrayed makes you want to be in the story. Like you want to go to those parties you want to see the drama you may not want to be one of those kids but you want to live in the beautiful blue and pink world that is being portrayed in this show. The actual drug use especially is portrayed as very glamorous and beautiful sometimes being full-on music videos. And even the parts where it gets real are still incredibly glamorized with Roo being like kind of this Rebel slick character like a Captain Jack Sparrow type character. Like it's fun to watch her getting chased by the cops and it's fun to watch her sneaking out of things because you know ultimately she's going to be okay and all this suspense and cleverness that we get to see is very exciting for you as a viewer.

And then there's all of this like questions about like am I a good person? And no she isn't a good person. But within the show, everyone is a bad person there's not a single good person in the whole show. And it kind of makes it seems like well Rue is a bad person but everyone's bad so it's okay. We're like in reality like I'm a great fucking person like there are really good people in the world and those people are watching Euphoria and laughing at how crazy it is. And when you don't place any contrast to ruin the story you once again make her behavior seem more acceptable. The whole show seems to be about making this Behavior acceptable.

And began all of this seems to stem from the fact that I feel like the person who wrote the show does not understand the experiences that real-life people who live the lives of these characters have. In fact a huge joke amongst the fandom is how out of touch with reality Euphoria is. Like I have seen so many people joke about what it must be like to go to euphoria high school because that's not what real high school is like. And my high school is like known for having drug use in it like at one point there was an article in the local paper about how one kid had injected another kid with heroin in our gym and it was consensual because he was just trying to teach him how to use heroin. I mean people get in trouble for drugs in my high school all the time. And the school district I work at just recently had a stabbing. Like shit happens it's not that I'm living in like a boring vanilla life it's just that it doesn't happen the way that they are saying that it happens. The aesthetic of the show is what makes the show bad. And all of the real complex struggles that these characters are dealing with are reduced to these archetypes and tropes and very reductive ideas about gender and sexuality.

So like those are my concerns with the story but I also have a lot of specific concerns about how the show is being run. And this is just going off watching it like I haven't Googled anything but I could tell you right now I have a feeling that it's going to come out that Sam Levinson if not abused actors on the show definitely mishandled a lot of things because certain things just make me very uncomfortable in the show.

So first of all I feel like some of the child actors we're putting scenes that could be damaging to explain those Concepts to them. So like the little girl who played cat as a child is basically playing a character who was insecure about her weight at 11 and the girl who is playing her is a little bit chubby and is played up to be fat. I just don't understand how you have a little girl play that role and do those shots without imparting body problems on to her. I just don't understand how you have a little girl look at her stomach and see how big it is and be upset visibly upset even if she's acting and not take from that that being fat is damaging to you. I just don't understand how you could do that well. And I felt that way about the young boy who played Nate as well I think maybe you could get the reaction that you want by just telling the actor that he see something that freaks them out but to some extent I have to wonder how ethical it is to have those scenes in the show.

Another thing that upsets me about the way the show is shot is the way that Hunter Schafer is shot and the way that Jules is portrayed. I mean again that's another backstory we're like I just don't understand how you can have a little kid be in those shots and do the things that the character did in those shots and that not be damaging to a kid. And maybe that kid is older maybe it's like actually a teenager and they can handle it but that concerns me because of how graphic it was. But going more into Hunter Schafer so I already talked about this but in the beginning, a lot of our shots of Jules had Jules's penis in the middle of the shot. There were several shots right when we first meet the character of jewels in underwear and her penis is like in the middle of the screen. And this happened frequently when Jules was portrayed in underwear. I noticed it less as the episodes went on but that's still concerning. Another thing I don't like is that in season 2 a lot of Jules's makeup seemed to Highlights the more angular and masculine features of her face. Maybe that's just my point of view but I definitely felt like in season 1 Jewels was very soft and feminine looking and in season 2 Jules was portrayed much more masculine. And this is even confirmed when Elliot says that Jules is wearing a binder. And there's no indication in the scene that Jules is no longer identifying as a trans woman and is now identifying as non-binary. But it does kind of feel like Jewels decided to date a woman and then immediately had to take on more masculine qualities. And that just doesn't really seem right to me. And I also have to wonder if Hunter Schafer was considered you know how that would affect her. She is non-binary so maybe she doesn't care but I just think that it doesn't necessarily seem like the best take. And most notably she also gets very low billing like when they List the cast of the first one should be Zendaya which I think she is the first one and then it should be Hunter Schafer right but no Hunter Schafer is like way down the list.

I also want to point out that the actress who plays Cat on Barbie Ferreira is not plus size she is a size 12 according to a quick Google so feel free to correct me plus size is 14 and up. She identifies as a plus-size model but that probably just means that she models for plus-size clothing and most of the people who model for plus-size clothing are not actually plus size. So that sucks if you are going to have a character's entire existence revolves around the fact that they are fat maybe they should at least be a size 14. Especially if her whole character's storyline is that she hates herself because she's fat which seems to be her entire season 2 storyline.

I think the thing that is so disturbing about Euphoria is the fact that it very much portrays teenage girls as just so desperate and needy for love when of course some girls have that struggle but that's not the majority by far. Like as a former teenage girl you are not always thinking about that stuff. And every single character who acts badly traces it back to their father as their fathers are like these incredibly important parts of a teenage girl's life. And yes it is important to have a father in your life but like I know one person who acted like this when they were a teenager and she still acts like that but every other person I knew as a teenager would have issues would have conflicts but it wouldn't be like this the drama craziness would not be like this is.

The thing that makes this show watchable is the aesthetic and unfortunately, that's the worst part. I mean I pretty much hate it top to bottom no. I could go into every storyline I could go into every character and explain how bad the writing is for each of them but I think I kind of made my point here. I just want to again remind everyone that the person who has the earliest credits on the show is Sam Levinson a white dude. And I don't know much about him but I can tell you a lot about what kind of a person he is based on this fucking show. The actors are very good and they do bring a lot of life to these characters but in many ways, that uphold a show that should never have been made. It's a beautifully made show it's very high production value but the show itself the core is rotten.

[firelord-frowny]

i am SO upset. :(

at me!

because i'm stoopid.

I'm sitting here trying to write myself lil scripts for violin videos in which I address various topics - misconceptions, technique, blah blah - because every time i sit down and try to just record one off the fly, i get SO side tracked and i start rambling and wind up not talking about the thing i meant to talk about for like 20 minutes straight.

so i'm like, just write a script! duh!

but the same fucking thing is happening as i write the script. and i remember randi giving the suggestion that i should just go ahead and write the ramble and then just edit it down, which, that makes SO much sense and it didn't occur to me at aaaallll lmao

but i still get so frustrated with myself, feeling like i've wasted so much time.

i honestly honestly honestly LOVE my brain. truly. i don't want to change it AT ALL. especially because i KNOW that my ~adhd~ wouldn't be a problem if only i lived in the kind of place that was compatible with me, and i KNOW that those places exist. like, it's not a fucking fairy tail. there are ACTUAL LOCATIONS where the things that are required of a person in order to function are things that mesh with who I am.

but i know i cant fucking get there unless i can start a real fucking career but i can't get my feet on the ground because i CANNOT THINK STRAIGHT when it comes to literally ANYTHING that isn't creative or cosmic. i can play violin for hours. i can knit for hours. i can write fiction and creative nonfiction for hours. i can paint for hours. i can draw for hours.

i cannot write a single fucking paragraph about how the shape of a person's fingertip affects the optimum left-hand placement on a violin.

:(

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Here's a shortlist of those who realized that I — a cis woman who'd identified as heterosexual for decades of life — was in fact actually bi, long before I realized it myself recently: my sister, all my friends, my boyfriend, and the TikTok algorithm.

On TikTok, the relationship between user and algorithm is uniquely (even sometimes uncannily) intimate. An app which seemingly contains as many multitudes of life experiences and niche communities as there are people in the world, we all start in the lowest common denominator of TikTok. Straight TikTok (as it's popularly dubbed) initially bombards your For You Page with the silly pet videos and viral teen dances that folks who don't use TikTok like to condescendingly reduce it to.

Quickly, though, TikTok begins reading your soul like some sort of divine digital oracle, prying open layers of your being never before known to your own conscious mind. The more you use it, the more tailored its content becomes to your deepest specificities, to the point where you get stuff that's so relatable that it can feel like a personal attack (in the best way) or (more dangerously) even a harmful trigger from lifelong traumas.

For example: I don't know what dark magic (read: privacy violations) immediately clued TikTok into the fact that I was half-Brazilian, but within days of first using it, Straight TikTok gave way to at first Portuguese-speaking then broader Latin TikTok. Feeling oddly seen (being white-passing and mostly American-raised, my Brazilian identity isn't often validated), I was liberal with the likes, knowing that engagement was the surefire way to go deeper down this identity-affirming corner of the social app.

TikTok made lots of assumptions from there, throwing me right down the boundless, beautiful, and oddest multiplicities of Alt TikTok, a counter to Straight TikTok's milquetoast mainstreamness.

Home to a wide spectrum of marginalized groups, I was giving out likes on my FYP like Oprah, smashing that heart button on every type of video: from TikTokers with disabilities, Black and Indigenous creators, political activists, body-stigma-busting fat women, and every glittering shade of the LGBTQ cornucopia. The faves were genuine, but also a way to support and help offset what I knew about the discriminatory biases in TikTok's algorithm.

My diverse range of likes started to get more specific by the minute, though. I wasn't just on general Black TikTok anymore, but Alt Cottagecore Middle-Class Black Girl TikTok (an actual label one creator gave her page's vibes). Then it was Queer Latina Roller Skating Girl TikTok, Women With Non-Hyperactive ADHD TikTok, and then a double whammy of Women Loving Women (WLW) TikTok alternating between beautiful lesbian couples and baby bisexuals.

Looking back at my history of likes, the transition from queer “ally” to “salivating simp” is almost imperceptible.

There was no one precise "aha" moment. I started getting "put a finger down" challenges that wouldn't reveal what you were putting a finger down for until the end. Then, 9-fingers deep (winkwink), I'd be congratulated for being 100% bisexual. Somewhere along the path of getting served multiple WLW Disney cosplays in a single day and even dom lesbian KinkTok roleplay — or whatever the fuck Bisexual Pirate TikTok is — deductive reasoning kind of spoke for itself.

But I will never forget the one video that was such a heat-seeking missile of a targeted attack that I was moved to finally text it to my group chat of WLW friends with a, "Wait, am I bi?" To which the overwhelming consensus was, "Magic 8 Ball says, 'Highly Likely.'"

Serendipitously posted during Pride Month, the video shows a girl shaking her head at the caption above her head, calling out confused and/or closeted queers who say shit like, "I think everyone is a LITTLE bisexual," to the tune of "Closer" by The Chainsmokers. When the lyrics land on the word "you," she points straight at the screen — at me — her finger and inquisitive look piercing my hopelessly bisexual soul like Cupid's goddamn arrow.

Oh no, the voice inside my head said, I have just been mercilessly perceived.

As someone who had, in fact, done feminist studies at a tiny liberal arts college with a gender gap of about 70 percent women, I'd of course dabbled. I've always been quick to bring up the Kinsey scale, to champion a true spectrum of sexuality, and to even declare (on multiple occasions) that I was, "straight, but would totally fuck that girl!"

Oh no, the voice inside my head returned, I've literally just been using extra words to say I was bi.

After consulting the expertise of my WLW friend group (whose mere existence, in retrospect, also should've clued me in on the flashing neon pink, purple, and blue flag of my raging bisexuality), I ran to my boyfriend to inform him of the "news."

"Yeah, baby, I know. We all know," he said kindly.

"How?!" I demanded.

Well for one, he pointed out, every time we came across a video of a hot girl while scrolling TikTok together, I'd without fail watch the whole way through, often more than once, regardless of content. (Apparently, straight girls do not tend to do this?) For another, I always breathlessly pointed out when we'd pass by a woman I found beautiful, often finding a way to send a compliment her way. ("I'm just a flirt!" I used to rationalize with a hand wave, "Obvs, I'm not actually sexually attracted to them!") Then, I guess, there were the TED Talk-like rants I'd subject him to about the thinly veiled queer relationship in Adventure Time between Princess Bubblegum and Marcelyne the Vampire Queen — which the cowards at Cartoon Network forced creators to keep as subtext!

And, well, when you lay it all out like that...

But my TikTok-fueled bisexual awakening might actually speak less to the omnipotence of the app's algorithm, and more to how heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

Sure, TikTok bombarded me with the thirst traps of my exact type of domineering masc lady queers, who reduced me to a puddle of drool I could no longer deny. But I also recalled a pivotal moment in college when I briefly questioned my heterosexuality, only to have a lesbian friend roll her eyes and chastise me for being one of those straight girls who leads Actual Queer Women on. I figured she must know better. So I never pursued any of my lady crushes in college, which meant I never experimented much sexually, which made me conclude that I couldn't call myself bisexual if I'd never had actual sex with a woman. I also didn't really enjoy lesbian porn much, though the fact that I'd often find myself fixating on the woman during heterosexual porn should've clued me into that probably coming more from how mainstream lesbian porn is designed for straight men.

The ubiquity of heterormativity, even when unwittingly perpetrated by members of the queer community, is such an effective self-sustaining cycle. Aside from being met with queer-gating (something I've since learned bi folks often experience), I had a hard time identifying my attraction to women as genuine attraction, simply because it felt different to how I was attracted to men.

Heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

So much of women's sexuality — of my sexuality — can feel defined by that carnivorous kind of validation you get from men. I met no societal resistance in fully embodying and exploring my desire for men, either (which, to be clear, was and is insatiable slut levels of wanting that peen.) But in retrospect, I wonder how many men I slept with not because I was truly attracted to them, but because I got off on how much they wanted me.

My attraction to women comes with a different texture of eroticism. With women (and bare with a baby bi, here), the attraction feels more shared, more mutual, more tender rather than possessive. It's no less raw or hot or all-consuming, don't get me wrong. But for me at least, it comes more from a place of equality rather than just power play. I love the way women seem to see right through me, to know me, without us really needing to say a word.

I am still, as it turns out, a sexual submissive through-and-through, regardless of what gender my would-be partner is. But, ignorantly and unknowingly, I'd been limiting my concept of who could embody dominant sexual personas to cis men. But when TikTok sent me down that glorious rabbit hole of masc women (who know exactly what they're doing, btw), I realized my attraction was not to men, but a certain type of masculinity. It didn't matter which body or genitalia that presentation came with.

There is something about TikTok that feels particularly suited to these journeys of sexual self-discovery and, in the case of women loving women, I don't think it's just the prescient algorithm. The short-form video format lends itself to lightning bolt-like jolts of soul-bearing nakedness, with the POV camera angles bucking conventions of the male gaze, which entrenches the language of film and TV in heterosexual male desire.

In fairness to me, I'm far from the only one who missed their inner gay for a long time — only to have her pop out like a queer jack-in-the-box throughout a near year-long quarantine that led many of us to join TikTok. There was the baby bi mom, and scores of others who no longer had to publicly perform their heterosexuality during lockdown — only to realize that, hey, maybe I'm not heterosexual at all?

Flooded with video after video affirming my suspicions, reflecting my exact experiences as they happened to others, the change in my sexual identity was so normalized on TikTok that I didn't even feel like I needed to formally "come out." I thought this safe home I'd found to foster my baby bisexuality online would extend into the real world.

But I was in for a rude awakening.

Testing out my bisexuality on other platforms, casually referring to it on Twitter, posting pictures of myself decked out in a rainbow skate outfit (which I bought before realizing I was queer), I received nothing but unquestioning support and validation. Eventually, I realized I should probably let some members of my family know before they learned through one of these posts, though.

Daunted by the idea of trying to tell my Latina Catholic mother and Swiss Army veteran father (who's had a crass running joke about me being a "lesbian" ever since I first declared myself a feminist at age 12), I chose the sibling closest to me. Seeing as how gender studies was one of her majors in college too, I thought it was a shoo-in. I sent an off-handed, joke-y but serious, "btw I'm bi now!" text, believing that's all that would be needed to receive the same nonchalant acceptance I found online.

It was not.

I didn't receive a response for two days. Hurt and panicked by what was potentially my first mild experience of homophobia, I called them out. They responded by insisting we need to have a phone call for such "serious" conversations. As I calmly tried to express my hurt on said call, I was told my text had been enough to make this sibling worry about my mental wellbeing. They said I should be more understanding of why it'd be hard for them to (and I'm paraphrasing) "think you were one way for twenty-eight years" before having to contend with me deciding I was now "something else."

But I wasn't "something else," I tried to explain, voice shaking. I hadn't knowingly been deceiving or hiding this part of me. I'd simply discovered a more appropriate label. But it was like we were speaking different languages. Other family members were more accepting, thankfully. There are many ways I'm exceptionally lucky, my IRL environment as supportive as Baby Bi TikTok. Namely, I'm in a loving relationship with a man who never once mistook any of it as a threat, instead giving me all the space in the world to understand this new facet of my sexuality.

I don't have it all figured out yet. But at least when someone asks if I listen to Girl in Red on social media, I know to answer with a resounding, "Yes," even though I've never listened to a single one of her songs. And for now, that's enough.

[mellometal]

Hi, everyone.

I have something extremely important to talk about that is NOT fandom related. I really do hope this can reach everyone on here, especially since it's still Autism Acceptance Month.

A few quick questions for anyone who happens to see this before I dive right into this: Have you ever heard of Dhar Mann? If so, have you ever seen his videos? What do you think about them?

If you don't know who Dhar Mann is, he's a content creator whose main platforms are Instagram and YouTube. He makes these videos about various scenarios from a couple on the brink of divorce, to kids bullying one of their peers, even about Autism Spectrum Disorder. All of his videos have some kind of message at the end that really drives the point home. One of his most recent videos is about ASD, which is what I'm going to discuss today.

Personally, I think some of his videos are interesting, despite the concepts being reused and recycled over and over; however, how I feel about the video he made about ASD is the complete opposite. I'll summarize the video he made so you don't have to watch it. (If you really want to watch it to see exactly what I'm talking about, I'm not gonna stop you. Do what you need to do in order to form your own opinion.)

The video Dhar Mann made about ASD is about this boy who excludes his autistic brother from participating in activities with his friends at school. The boy bullies his autistic brother and does pretty much everything to make his brother's life Hell, even going as far as to pretend that he doesn't know his own brother. The boy "instantly regrets his decision" when their mom is called into the school to discipline her son for bullying his autistic brother. What his mother says is what REALLY upsets me. The message of this video in particular is this, WORD FOR FUCKING WORD. I wish I was kidding. But here's the message below:

How the video concludes is the boy reluctantly includes his autistic brother in every single activity, the boy sees his brother's potential, and they live happily ever after. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

As an autistic woman who works with disabled people for a living, that message Dhar Mann put in this video specifically is not only extremely ableist, but is also spreading misinformation about ASD.

News flash to all the people who still spread misinformation about ASD: Not every single autistic person is a little white boy in elementary school, nor is every single autistic person a young white man who's a Super Genius™️. (I could go on all day long about how the media stereotypes autistic characters and autistic people in general, but that's a whole other topic.) No autistic person is the same, meaning we all fall on the spectrum in different places and all that jazz. There's no "look" to autistic people either because no autistic person looks the same.

Autistic women exist.

Autistic girls exist.

Autistic nonbinary people exist.

Autistic BIPOC and AAPI exist.

Autistic people who are completely nonverbal exist.

Autistic people who are completely verbal exist.

Autistic people who are in the middle of being nonverbal and verbal exist.

Autistic people who require minimal to no support exist.

Autistic people who require moderate support exist.

Autistic people who require full support exist.

Autistic LGBT people exist. (Reason why I bring this one up is because the media almost always shows cishet autistic men and I don't see autistic LGBT representation very often, if ever.)

Autism isn't something you can "catch". People have this same mentality about ADHD and Tourette's Syndrome too, which, by the way, you can't "catch" either.

Autism doesn't "go away" when you reach adolescence or adulthood. Why? BECAUSE AUTISTIC TEENAGERS AND AUTISTIC ADULTS EXIST. Autistic kids grow into autistic teenagers, then into autistic adults.

You can't "cure" it either. Unless you can build a time machine and a device to go back in time to change how a person's brain develops, there is no cure. ABA therapy is a fucking shit show in itself that does more harm than good.

The title of the video is a real squick for me too. It's mostly because I don't particularly enjoy people using person first language (the "boy with autism" part). I've seen many other autistic people on multiple other platforms sharing that same sentiment and preferring identity first language (autistic person). There are also others who prefer using person first language and those who don't have a preference. That's all perfectly valid. Whatever you prefer people using when referring to you, or whatever you refer to yourself as, in this case, is totally valid and I love you. This goes for disabilities in general, not just Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Regarding the message in this video, here's my response to it! A quick heads-up, my response is VERY long and VERY passionate. I was VERY close to making a response video where I tear that video apart AND tear Dhar Mann a new asshole. Unfortunately, it worked me up so much that I was really struggling with what I wanted to say and I had to stop multiple times because I kept stumbling on my words. That's how angry this message made me. I'll try my best to explain whatever parts you have questions about. I put my response in the nicest way I possibly could, despite me seething with rage, wanting to go OFF on him.

(The first part of my response are the first three screenshots, and the second part are the last three screenshots.)

The first part of my response, I did forget to add that the message is offensive and disrespectful to autistic people as a whole. I apologize. My initial comment got way too long. I pretty much covered that when I told him the message is ableist. I wanted to clear that up before anyone asks about it.

The second part of my response is me opening up about my experience with being diagnosed with ASD, formerly known as As//per//ger's Syn//dro//me, at sixteen years old. I also went into how not calling ASD what it truly is (which is a disability) and calling it a "different ability" instead is extremely harmful and is treating being disabled like it's a bad thing.

By the way, saying that a disabled person is disabled isn't a bad thing. I'm disabled. It is what it is. Does it have its challenges? You bet. Does it help me with certain things? Hell yeah. I can really absorb information about my favorite bands, characters, shows, books, etc., and tell you a lot about those things. For example, I can tell you that Su can't ride a bike or read manga and she's okay with that. I can also tell you she can't tie her shoes very well, which is why her boots don't have laces and are slip-on and/or zip-up. But that doesn't mean my struggles are nonexistent or that I never struggle. I do, and it makes my life Hell at times.

The narrative that autism is a bad thing to have, every autistic person is somehow broken and they all need to be "fixed" is also super fucked up and not true. That's the narrative that I received when I was diagnosed by a therapist I had. I'm gonna be real here, I cried when I was first told that I was diagnosed with ASD. I felt like I was broken. I already felt like a total outcast. Being told about my diagnosis made me feel even more broken than I already felt. I was so ashamed of myself, despite me not doing anything wrong whatsoever, that I masked for SEVEN YEARS of my life. I masked for so long that I forgot I was even diagnosed with ASD in the first place. I wasn't taught how to really put my special interests into good use. I kinda had to figure that out on my own. I was pretty much under the assumption that me being interested in anime, cartoons, music, comics, theatre, writing, etc., to the point of obsession, was somehow weird and hurting people around me. You know, despite those things being harmless. Despite me being able to separate those things from other things that are important (like work, for example). Despite my only surviving parent, other family members, and the woman he was dating at the time completely overreacting and not bothering to see exactly what makes these things so special to me.

(By the way, having a disability does not completely make who a person is. There are a lot more things that make who a person is than that.)

It's kinda shocking that I wasn't able to come to terms with my diagnosis until this year. Considering that I masked for so long due to being ashamed of myself, plus being treated like a burden for being disabled, it's probably not very surprising. I initially thought at the time that it was the worst thing to have, as I was already struggling with enough shit back then, but came to realize it's not a bad thing. It doesn't change who I am. But I'm glad I came to terms with it finally nonetheless.

This is getting way too long, so I'm gonna wrap things up here. If you've read this far, thank you so much. I'm sorry this got so long!

If you watched the video, what are your thoughts on it? If this is your first time hearing about Dhar Mann, how do you feel about him? If you're a Dhar Mann fan, did this change your opinion on him in any way? Feel free to sound off in the comments!

Have a great day, everyone!