#and then of course the “exclude these tags” list which is very helpful

[elflikesfrogs]

forever wishing that they made a boolean filtering system on ao3

[doyoulikethis-videogame-song]

Ask Masterpost 10/12/2024

I will be answering all the BLOG RELATED asks I have received since opening my inbox here :). Going forward, this is how all asks will be answered (if they are not time dependent or something). I will make a new post with new asks every saturday.

my friends and i have been including youtube links in our submissions. is that helpful or annoying?

It's helpful! Thank you :)

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Have you gotten a lot of repeat submissions? Like, songs requested by multiple people? If so, what’s the most requests you’ve gotten for a single song? (You don’t need to say what song it is if it’s one you haven’t posted yet)

I don't remember the name, but I've received a song from 'In Stars and Time' about seven times now

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I submitted a song from an indie game listing the author as the composer, but then I realised that's not exactly true, as all the music in the game is from a public free gallery. because of that, there's no official upload on youtube. would that still be ok? p.s. thank you for your work, I've come to really love this blog and i look forward to the new polls every day 💕

I'm going to say no, even though the song is in a video game it's not technically intended for the video game itself. I'm curious as to what game this is though.

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@kaerran said: Speaking of which: I avoided submitting a game earlier because the only versions I found on a quick search were entire-soundtrack-as-one-video and I wanted to make things easier on you. Is it okay if I submit my mid-90s games even if they don't have nice convenient Youtube links?

Of course that's okay, I'll find a way to work around it even if I have to crop the specific song out myself.

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Say a song that's made for a game and is in said game gets an official release of an alternative version that *isn't* in a game. (Ex: an extended version or a version with vocals) I assume that the in-game version of the song is acceptable, while an alternative version that isn't in any games are not. Asking because I've already submitted a couple in-game versions of songs that have official extended/vocal versions that aren't in-game.

Both are acceptable, for two reasons:

It's an official, original release/remix, presumably on an official album, for a video game, so it is technically a form of VGM even if it's not in the video game itself

I wouldn't be allowed to post the official NieR remix albums if I excluded these types of songs

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@moonlight-fox said: Hey. Question for when you reopen submissions - For songs that have lyrics, do you want the name of the lead vocalist as well as the composer, or just the composer?

If you know both, feel free to include both! Specifying would help a ton as well. Submitting the artists is optional as I'll almost always go verify it myself but it is very much appreciated.

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are there any games with more notable soundtracks that you're surprised HAVEN'T been submitted yet (if any)?

As of writing this, I haven't seen a single song from Persona 5.

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Hi, love the blog! Is there any way you could tag similar series? Like, tagging all the soulsborne games with a from software tag, that sort of thing? If not, it’s cool, I would just find it useful. Have a great day, keep up the awesome work! <3

I started doing this when I saw this ask, I hope the way I've categorized things is good so far! If anyone has any suggestions for further categorization feel free to send them in my asks (within reason, lol)

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can you put the number of the song in the anonymized title? would help us keep track of which song we're listening to if we're also scrolling

I also started doing this as soon as I saw this ask, thank you for the excellent idea.

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Are songs from live-service video games that have ended service permitted? I'm guessing that the answer is yes because I think I saw Dragalia Lost here but I just wanted to be sure before preparing songs to submit next month. Also, I noticed in your pinned post that it still says "submissions are always allowed" - since the rules are different now, you might wanna change that just in case some ppl get confused :3

Yes, songs from live service games that have ended are permitted :) (provided I can access the songs somehow of course)

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are we allowed to submit official live versions of video game songs? does its availability online matter (like how the splatoon concerts were officially uploaded, but the kirby 30th anniversary concert was only livestreamed once and has to be pirated now)?

If it's on an official album, I'm going to say yes. So no to the kirby concert -- but if the splatoon songs are on an album, they're allowed.

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i cant find if youve answered something like this already, but whats the verdict for songs thatare in video games, but werent made for them? like for example the inclusion of pre-existing low roar songs in death stranding.

As of now, I'll only accept songs that were intentionally made to be included in the OST/album/music of a video game series -- so no preexisting non-VGM songs or anything like that.

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out of interest, how far along the submission queue has been posted? when were the most recent posted songs submitted?

3.8% of the entire submissions I have received have been posted. Everything in active vote right now was submitted in July, hence the need to severely restrict submissions...

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are we allowed to ask if certain games/series are in the queue? because i cannot for the life of me remember if i submitted something a while ago and dont want to accidentally send it again when submissions reopen ^_^;

You can DM me for this as to not publicly post any spoilers :')

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@disgustedorite said: Um, when were the most recent songs submitted? I submitted a batch a while back when submissions were open and there's been no sign of any of them...I hope Tumblr didn't eat it @_@

Tumblr may have eaten it, but it's probably just as likely that I got a million gazillion submissions ahead of you :')

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genuine question did someone submit the entire destiny franchise at once or is it that popular and i just never see anything about it

Yes, in the very early days of this blog -- about the tenth submission -- someone submitted ~30 destiny songs.

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Do you accept music from mods? I mean, obviously you dont accept anything right now, but ykwim

Yes, as long as it's an original composition/remix :)

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@woolooism said: has any song won with any of the "i don't like it" results? if no, which one has the biggest relative percentage of it?

I'll have to check, but I think (off the top of my head) the song with the most "I don't like it" results is the Ao Oni chase theme

Edit: Apparently, it is actually this song from Lisa the Joyful!

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@violetsquare111 said: i'm curious, do you know when exactly the currently-running polls were submitted? curious just how far off mine are lol. (but i would guess mine are still a few months out based on the insane number of submissions you shared. 3000... oh god...)

July, so... yours are far off :')

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Do songs created for an event in a community engine driven rhythm game (i.e. original songs for custom charts in a rhythm game/community driven game engine) count for submissions? If so, how will they be counted?

I think I'm going to need an example of this scenario because this seems REALLY highly specific, haha

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A suggestion. When a song has lyrics, use a video that shows the lyrics in the reveal post. Please and thank you.

I'll do my best, but these aren't always the easiest to find, and I try to use songs from official sources as much as possible to prevent the risk of the video getting copyright stricken off the playlist.

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@only-blogging-2-save-rock-n-roll said: Would you ever consider doing joke polls for April fools day? Stuff like those MIDI remakes of song from Franchise A in the style of Franchise B

Probably not, only because it's not an official remix. I may post funny songs depending on submissions.

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would you be willing to maybe make a tag for just the polls, even if they're already over? i like going through them all without knowing what game they're from and i also dont keep super on top of checking this blog for new polls. thanks!!

There is one! It's #closed vote :)

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@sparrow-va said: Hi! I've had the hare-brained idea of possibly making some Youtube vids of listening to & reacting/trying to identify songs from this blog starting from the oldest submissions for my channel (LaserBearCat Gaming), is that something you'd be okay with? Obvs we would credit & link your blog for the source of the tracks c:

Go right ahead!

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I noticed the rules about submission has changed to one song per period per person, which I can totally understand given the amount and when trying to keep a fair chance for everyone will this rule be applied retrospectively too? just wondering because I had been submitting more than one song and just would like to know if I'd need to submit them again one per month now if I would like them to be considered as a submission eventually Also thanks for running this blog it's become one of my favourites and I check it out almost daily

No, It's not going to be applied retroactively -- I don't even know if I'd be able to enforce that because the sheet doesn't record who submitted what (right now).

[courfee]

Lily was a prominent character in the fandom and the most popular female character. Along with Wolfstar, Jily (the ship she is a part of) was the most popular ship in the fandom. Since Jegulus became popular, she had been completely sidelined for someone who was a raging bigot in canon, simply because people want to ship James with him.

Mm i feel like you're not looking properly because several of my favourite lily fanarts come from fanartists I've originally followed for jegulus. Considering i post a lot about both jegulus and jily i will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you just needed to rant to an impartial person for a second, which is fine! Feel free to do so, as long as you're being respectful!

I will also give you a little advice to make the fandom experience less frustrating for you, because i get that looking for a ship you like only to find it's at parts overshadowed by other ships sucks, i've also experienced that before.

On tumblr you can blacklist hashtags so they don't show up on your dash anymore! (Settings>account>filtered tags) I would highly recommend you do this with anything you don't like (e.g. jegulus).

this of course only works if the people who you follow tag things, but if they don't tag and you really want to follow them for their other content you could always send them a kind message and ask if they might consider tagging something specific, some (though definitely not all!!!!) will actually do that for you. Just be nice when you ask and keep in mind that not everyone will want to do that

On ao3 you can exclude ships when looking for fics!! If you search for something, then click on "filter" (or look on thr right side on your screen if you're on desktop) you will see that there is an 'exclude' category where you can exclude ships, characters or tags. Make use of that!! Ao3 has an excellent search and filtering function!

Furthermore, if you want to see jily fics where jily isn't just a side ship, you can get a browser extension that only shows you fics where the given ship is the first one listed, so you could still have jily fics without having to exclude wolfstar for example (which is what ao3 otp:true filter does). This is especially good if you're trying to find fics for a ship that very often is just a side ship. Here is a post that explains it in more detail

Lastly a general piece of advice! If you are bothered by something in fandom, do your best to avoid it. If you miss seeing something in fandom, actively go looking for it. The most efficient way to get more jily/lily content is to look for people who make art/fics/cosplay for that and tell them that you like what they do. That way you encourage them to create more of those things :)

I hope this helps and you find more artists and authors whose works you enjoy to find your joy in the fandom again!

[thetreetopinn]

It occurs to me that there are certain things that I post that a variety of people enjoy.

More specifically, while this is not exclusively a kink/fetish blog, I do post a lot about kink/fetish material that I like.

The interesting thing about these subjects is that depending on the content of a particular piece of material, it can be enjoyed from both sexual and non-sexual perspectives.

Take vore as an example.

I really like it. I don't like hard vore. I don't like graphic digestion. I don't like unwilling (except certain circumstances--like the prey is just cranky because it's an inconvenient moment and the pred just wants to be close and give extreme cuddles, like they're being very possessive).

I don't like a LOT of various aspects that get associated with vore.

That's no shade to those who DO enjoy those aspects, but they're not for me. I just don't care for them.

The thing is, that scenario I posited earlier, where the pred is being possessive and just wants to be cuddly regardless of the prey's mood, that can be enjoyed through a non-sexual lens. It wasn't really that long ago--only a few years I think--that I learned that a lot of ace people really like vore because of that extreme closeness and intimacy without it needing to be overtly sexual.

And just today, I saw a recent vore post get a like from someone, and their username made me curious, so I checked out their blog. Turns out, they're on the younger side (still of legal age to interact without worrying about legal trouble) and they referred to themselves as asexual. They went on to list the sorts of accounts/blogs/people in their 'do not interact' list--which included NSFW accounts.

Now, I consider my account to be NSFW, but it's nowhere near as bad as the porn bots. I only sprinkle in some NSFW stuff here and there, but it's still there so I try to label myself as such for the benefit of others. It puzzled me a little why an exclusively non-NSFW account would like something from my account.

Of course, because of how this site works, likely they just found it through the tags. Bless the tags on this site. It actually helps you find the things you WANT to find. I do wish it was SLIGHTLY more robust, like being able to run a search where you cross reference and/or exclude tags in one go, to get really granular with what you're looking for. E621 does this pretty well. I do wish that kind of system was more widely used.

Still, when I read over their pinned post, it gave me pause. I wanted to reach out and say hello, introduce myself, maybe make a new friend, but that 'no NSFW' part suggested that it might not be entirely welcome. Especially given the rather pronounced age gap.

Just because someone is 18 or older doesn't mean it isn't creepy for you to approach when you're double their age.

Of course, context matters. If you're looking to do the horny dance at them, yeah... kinda creepy. If you're just looking to make connection with other cool people, maybe introduce yourself as a queer elder in case they have questions or are looking for advice... okay sure, that's good. It's important for there to be healthy interaction across different ages/generations.

I don't fault this person for wanting to limit contact with elements they're not interested in or find unsafe (not that they view NSFW as inherently unsafe... it was just one item in a long list of things, many of which WERE unsafe, like MAPs, queerphobes, things like that). I hope that their experience on this site is a good one and they continue to find material they enjoy while being able to filter out the material they don't want to see.

It's just interesting to me.

And it makes me think maybe I should try a little harder to properly label and tag things so that no matter what lens you prefer to enjoy things through, you can find what you like and filter out what you don't.

Anyway, all you folks out there who are ace and enjoy safe vore, you are extremely valid and I appreciate you.

[lowlypotatofarmer]

i have Many Thoughts about the rwrb movie!!!

okay i was writing tags for what was going to be a short snippet of thought on the movie but i just kept going in the tags and decided i wanted to write my opinions down somewhere. bear with me...

first and foremost it was exactly the type of cringe movie i expected it to be. the acting was pretty often subpar, as anticipated, but i have to say the leads put their whole PUSSIES into the emotional scenes. like the whole confrontation after henry essentially ghosts alex?? man those actors had RENT DUE and i love that for them.

this is 100% going on my list of comfort movies that i’ll end up watching twenty times, but it is, of course, flawed, and i would like to Talk About It

now, book to movie adaptations are very very rarely done justice, and this one proved to be no exception. i know things have to be excluded for budget/runtime/page-to-screen translation, and i am a smidge disappointed with what ended up on the floor

obviously june is a huge missing piece of the puzzle. i know she wasn’t hugely plot-relevant necessarily, but she was necessary to alex’s arc in discovering himself, and in her own character arc. i understand removing her if necessary, but i had hoped they would fill in those gaps with nora. which they did not do

getting into that, nora and bea, both of whom were incredibly strong characters in the book with their own story and interests and relevance to the story outside of being sounding boards for the leads. i personally feel they butchered both of those characters in the film. bea has no personality, none of the spark we see in the books. nora as well, was so so smart, was such a great friend to alex and was always there for him. her shining moment of emerging with the answer to the hack that no one else could find was totally excluded too, because of the change in that entire plot as well. i would’ve liked to have gotten to see the ‘super six’ too, like i thought the karaoke at the texas bar was fun, sure, but it didn’t have the party feel that made that scene in the book so fun, along with the groups blending to become fast friends just would’ve been great.

now…richards! he was such a non-person in the movie. obviously i don’t care one bit to hear about him or his platform or whatever it was we see in the book, but by leaving him and not having the trail lead to him regarding the emails makes it very dull and just a very thinly veiled question of ‘whodunnit’ because it’s implied that it’s the journalist but god knows how he got those or why or how he knew etc. not to mention the whole predator arc which would’ve been SO INTERESTING to explore and the exclusion of luna in order to tell that story will make me mad forever. but hey, can’t have twelve plot points in a movie!

i also didn’t really appreciate the erasure of alex’s bi awakening. i really loved how in the book he had to take some time to think through his sexuality and figure out where he stood (and nora using her analyst brain to help him with percentages would’ve been such a wonderful moment to replace that scene in the office, which was okay but could’ve been better). it was such an interesting time to read about, especially the call w liam, that i would’ve liked to see it, but i mean some things had to be cut, and in the end i mean i guess it wasn’t about their sexualities, it was about the people.

now that i’ve mentioned At Length some of my issues, i have to give the movie props for their text-to-screen adaptation of the texts between henry and alex. like having henry walking around the room narrating those texts, or being in bed with alex while they’re on the phone? such a fantastic move, it was awesome and i love how well it worked. i was wondering how they were going to do it with so much of their relationship being via text or email (and i wish they’d had more of the emails in there, like some quotes or some lines like ‘see attached bibliography[….]’)

i also thought sending alex to texas was a nice touch, i loved seeing him campaigning for his mom and helping to register voters and get to make a change in his home state. that was a nice addition that the book didn’t have.

and i know this is me getting all picky about a movie that is essentially supposed to be a love story, condensing a 400 page book into a 2 hour movie is hard, i wouldn’t want to do it, couldn’t do it, but i just think that there are some little changes, such as giving the girls a personality, that could’ve been made.

i might edit this as i think of more, i know there were some others but they’ve escaped my brain. hope this made sense, i read the book again a few days ago and just finished the movie so all the discrepancies are Jumping at me rn :)

(also rip to the cornettos scene…filmed and cut but never forgotten 💔😔)

[to-junipterandmars]

hi. i saw your tags on the post about vaspider/prismatic-bell/starlightomatic etc and how you had questions about whether they were actually zionist or how to tell if their claims to be pro-palestine were performative. i want to believe you genuinely are curious so im going to try to respond in good faith.

those three have claimed to not be zionists, yes, and they occasionally reblog a palestinian fundraiser here or there, but they far more frequently reblog from israeli extremists, including people who directly serve in the iof. their claims to record israel's crimes on the israeli side fall flat when they frequently deny that any genocide or war crimes are happening at all, and even justify the imprisonment and murder of children. since last october many of these zionists have instigated outright harassment against outspoken palestinians on this site (el-shab-hussein, fairuzfan, ibtisams, etc) talking about their own experiences with friends and loved ones who are still stuck living under the occupation. you can look at any of their blogs and you'll see them explain much more articulately than i can how insidious these types of liberal zionist arguments are.

finally, as an ace person, the part of your tags where you claim the woc who vaspider and others harassed were being aphobic and ask how that isn't just as bad as being zionist: I agree that aphobia is awful and that it hurts to be excluded from the community, but there is never any excuse or justification for sending harassment. nor are the two comparable imo. aphobia is a bigoted belief, to be sure, but zionism is not only bigoted, it is being used to support and maintain a genocidal occupation.

most aphobes are just kind of assholes, and there's a non-0% chance that maybe they'll learn from their mistakes as they grow. by contrast, there is blood on the hands of every zionist, including the ones who pretend to be neutral, because palestinians are dying as long as the zionist occupation remains without the structures that maintain it being dismantled.

sorry to bother you with this ask, but again, im sending this in good faith and i really hope you'll look into more palestinian blogs on tumblr and listen to palestinians when they talk about their experiences.

Hi yes thank you for this. I guess I'm not familiar enough with the stuff that any of those three blogs post. When i looked up their blogs what i saw from a few posts was that yes they definitely were zionist, but seemed to claim to be zionist in a believe-both-israel-and-palestine-should-exist way, which from what I gather is still being complicit in israels oppression??

After thinking about it more I think my question was more along the lines of But if they use the label of zionist, but still want a ceasefire and believe palestine should exist, is that bad?? (I see a lot of posts about how when you're fighting for a cause you don't have to be entirely morally aligned with every single person as long as they want the same thing yk) Of course you don't have to help me answer that, I can look up other resources/look at their blogs/the palestinian blogs you mentioned more closely myself - at the time, I also did not see this harassment of palestinians on these three blogs when I scrolled through them.

On the part about the vaspider acephobia discourse, I wasn't around when it was happening so I found a blog that seemed to have recorded the entire thing, which is where I found out what the entire dispute was about. (Supposedly some kind of list of ace-exclusionists was released, the woc in qstn said that jewish people and nazis being on the same list was anti semitic, vaspider defended the list etc) I wasn't 'claiming' that they (the woc) were acephobic, I think posting that ace people arent part of the queer community because we're cishet passing very much *Is* Acephobic - I'm not trying to drag up old dead discourse here but (at least as far as I saw) I don't think it's possible to prove concretely that vaspider did actually fake their own doxxing - it's entirely likely they were mistaken. I also hadn't seen any record of them harassing this woc (maybe I didn't scroll far enough). Regardless you're right that harassment is never okay, I just didn't see enough myself to say they were transmisogynist.

[demcnsinmymind]

psychology + mental health : deep dive!

tagged by : @greatwrath tagging : @badassxbirdy @kxllerblond @walriding @mslangermann and anyone else who wants to!

general mental health related trigger warnings apply.  feel free to include more or exclude those facts / test results that take too much time or don’t apply, you can check out this list for more personality-related quizzes to include!

quick facts.

canon details a hugely traumatic event in his life which is the main root of the majority of mental health related issues he has now. prior to canon, he didn't really have any mental health issues whatsoever. Post canon, it's an entirely different story obv., as the sole survivor of said traumatic event.

diagnoses. ptsd, generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks, major depression & stockholm syndrome

triggers. hospitals, doctors, sharp objects, darkness

positive coping skills. very good and quick at adapting, generally very optimistic and hardworking, tries his best to keep in shape both physically and mentally, always keeps himself busy, tries to be kind and a good person

negative coping skills. very avoidant and dismissive, bottles everything up, doesn't accept help / doesn't want to acknowledge that he needs help, stockholm syndrome and unhealthy attachment to a certain demonic outer god, constant flipflopping between survivor's guilt/shame and illusions of grandeur and self importance, lies and fakes his way through his problems

attachment style. :

Avoidant / Dismissive - The avoidant attachment style is characterized by disconnecting from negative emotions and minimizing the importance of relationships. Avoidant attachers also tend to hold themselves in high regard while maintaining a distrust of others’ intentions. For these reasons, people with this attachment style often avoid emotional closeness and intimacy in romantic relationships.

This information isn’t to suggest that people with avoidant attachment don’t seek out relationships, or that they don’t enjoy spending time with their partners – instead, they may become uncomfortable when they perceive that their partners are crossing boundaries or trying to get “too close.”

love language. :

tie between acts of service and words of affirmation

myers-briggs / mbti. :

ENTJ. The Commander

Commanders are natural-born leaders. People with this personality type embody the gifts of charisma and confidence, and project authority in a way that draws crowds together behind a common goal. However, Commanders are also characterized by an often ruthless level of rationality, using their drive, determination and sharp minds to achieve whatever end they’ve set for themselves.

are their diagnoses formal (via a doctor or therapist) or informal (self-diagnosis, a hunch, unrealized)?

very much formal and in a way informal, too. he was wrongly 'diagnosed' at first - by the place/'doctor' who held him captive, and given the place's nature and everything it put him through, those 'diagnosed' mental health issues were in return actually triggered and realized in him because of it. after he got out of Collingwood and landed back in his correct timeline/ Danvers' psychiatric facility, he was diagnosed by proper mental health professionals and actually declared a case with severe issues that will have to spend the rest of his life institutionalized, but of course, he ran away.

have they ever been treated / medicated?

yes, and it's exactly that treatment and forced medication that gave him all of those mental health issues in the first place. In canon, Lance was lobotomized and went through your regular 1940s psychiatric treatment plan, which hasn't exactly been much of a rosy ride. In the 2010s he was also medicated to try and help with several after effects of the lobotomy, but of course, he ran away form that, too.

have they ever been hospitalized or treated on an inpatient basis?

I mean....see canon for that lmao

do they have a family history of mental illness?

No. Not at all. This guy and his family were cookie cutter vanilla and happy.

how old were they when they first started experiencing / realizing symptoms?

35.

how was mental health handled / discussed in the family / community?

It wasn't ever really discussed much, given how healthy and happy his family was. In the filmmaking business burnout was common but not really talked about, and though everything was a bit hush hush, it wasn't exactly frowned upon or a bad thing. Truth be told, mental health was just a none issue in his life before canon. Had there ever been a scenario though, then his family would've been supportive hand trying to be helpful.

what are their thoughts on their mental health / their diagnosis?

That is a very complicated thing to talk about actually. Lance is perfectly aware of the fact that he's not doing good. In a way he knows that Friedkin and his cult have achieved what he'd been so desperate to deny. He was driven crazy by what happened in canon and there was no way for him not to go insane given the circumstances. But he's not one to admit defeat so easily. And he fought very very very hard to get out of the situation and he did get out of it. It's a victory of sorts but what came out of it with him jeopardizes that big time, so it's a very harsh topic for him to think about. Especially since all his trauma stems from a mental hospital and health 'professionals', and thus, it's almost impossible for him to go to some of them to get the help he needs. So for the most part, he tries his best to just ignore the fact that he has all those severe problems, tries not to think about them at all basically. Hoping that this way, they'll just go away. But of course, they don't. On the rare occasion where he does think about it...honestly, it leaves him just utterly devastated. His life was basically destroyed by this cult. He mourns that deeply. The fact that he was healthy and at the very top of his own game.

in what ways has their diagnosis shaped their life or experiences?

It pretty much dominates his life now. He needs a literal demonic outer god in his brain just to function normally. Without it in his mind, he would need to be institutionalized for life. His sleeping and eating habits are just a complete mess, he's always on edge and doesn't trust anyone, he won't ever be able to have a normal life ever again if we're honest. On the bright side, he's learned to appreciate just being alive and very basic things more. It's also made him kinder and a much better person, honestly.

symptoms.

bold all that are present, italicize those that are resolved, or in the past.

depression.anxiety. panic attacks. disassociation. derealization.  depersonalization. suicidal ideation.   self harm.  homicidal ideation.  psychosis. auditory hallucinations.    visual hallucinations. delusions.    mania.    hypomania.    racing thoughts.    hyperactivity.    attention difficulty.flashbacks.    nightmares.  hyperarousal.    hypoarousal.    hypersexuality.    hyposexuality.    psychopathy. risky behavior.catatonia.    somatic / bodily concerns.    mutism.    phobia.    agoraphobia.    hoarding.    obsessions.    compulsions.    body dysmorphia.    hair picking.    skin picking.     amnesia.    illness anxiety / hypochondria.    sensory loss.    speech difficulty.    comprehension difficulty.    communication difficulty.    tics.    defiant behavior.    irritable mood.    vindictiveness.     aggression.    pyromania.    kleptomania.    paranoia.    attention seeking.    narcissism.    avoidance.    dependency.    pica.    rumination.    food restriction.    food binging.    purging.    soiling the bed.    insomnia.    fatigue.    sexual dysfunction.    delirium.    developmental delays.

explorations / elaborations on any of the above symptoms:

The one flashback and nightmare he continues to have is of being back down in that basement on Friedkin's operating table, seconds before the lobotomy. The only difference being that unlike in reality where the hammer struck down just once, in his dream, they keep hammering and kill him, and that he's awake and aware of it all and doesn't pass out from shock. He goes through that one over and over again and not even Azathoth can stop that from happening almost every night.

Other than that, he has lots of trouble with sleeping and eating, because Collingwood obv kept him awake and on the brink of starvation for so long. The hallucinations are also a big thing, though they've been way more severe inside the building and in the 40s and have calmed down significantly ever since he got back to his own time. But whenever they happen he sees and hears his dead crew, asking him over and over again why he locked the door, telling him that they want to go home, and blaming him for their deaths.

If he sees a doctor or a hospital and if anyone as much as just mentions getting him anywhere close to either of those he -will- freak out and have a fullblown panic attack.

[wangxianficfinder]

I have a question, im only a beginner at ao3 i was wondering if someone could tell me what does fall under the line of something you should definitely report? For example when i was just starting i came across fanfics about pedophilia, Cannibalism, rape non con and i still do, I understand personally the reason people might write about these trauma's, but some i have read are just completely writing CP, I've wanted to report it for awhile but I have no idea if its Against Ao3 policies to do this even if it is CP? Also, if someone has chosen not to use archieve warnings, But the fanfiction is something that dearly dearly needs it, what is the best course of action? Do i ignore that? @geraltofriviafan

Hi! I personally wouldn't report those fics unless they are actively causing harm, i.e the author links to real CP, Cannibalism, Rape...etc or references them IRL in a very suspicious manner.

Usually fic is just that, fiction.

While I don't condone these things in any way or form, someone writing about something is very different from them actually doing that thing.

Even the AO3's terms of service state it's not against policy despite them also not condoning some of the types of fics posted, "As provided in part I.E.3 of the Terms of Service, the OTW is not liable to you for any Content to which you are exposed on or because of the Service.

Unless it violates some other policy, we will not remove Content for offensiveness, no matter how awful, repugnant, or badly spelled we may personally find that Content to be."

My point is, if you don't like a certain type of fic, and the author isn't actively causing or promoting harmful things, just block the tag.

As for things to report, again, if an author is being actively malicious, (ex. Causing unnecessary cruelty or promoting harmful ideals, linking to things they shouldn't be, especially without warning, being annoying by spamming people/arguing with intent to purely annoy...etc..) or stealing work from other authors without permission/giving credit/linking to the original author, or spamming by posting the same fic or comment multiple times.

Here's a link to the full list of Terms of service on ao3.

As for fics that aren't tagged properly/don't have a tag you think it needs, I would personally, kindly ask if they could add it through a comment on the fic. Most of the time, authors will gladly add a tag when asked, if they don't, then don't press it. It's easier to just click back and forget it then chance an unexpected argument with them over something easily done. I know a few authors don't tag what they should because they don't like "spoilers" even though that's exactly what a tag is for.

Anyway, Sorry for the long reply 😅 I wish you luck with AO3, most of it is trial and error until you figure out how to best use the site for yourself.

I do have two suggestions to help have a good time on ao3 though!

1. The back button is your friend. Instead of complaining about not liking a fic in a comment and potentially upsetting the author/yourself, just hit that back bar and forget it even existed. Trust me, you will have a much better time if you do.

2. Make use of the filter bar, excluding tags really does help a lot with avoiding fics you know you won't enjoy! Even if it doesn't get all the fics, it gets more than it would without!

- Mod C

Hi! I didn't know you could report a fic on ao3, would you mind explaining to me how i could do it? Unfortunately im also on other fandoms where people repost other people's works and won't delete them

Thanks in advance!

The way I know how is you scroll down to the bottom of the page until you reach this ↓

Click on Policy Questions & Abuse Reports under Contact Us. It will bring you to a new page, scroll down until you reach this ↓

Fill everything in and press submit. If you do it from the page you want to report, the link to page line will already be filled in.

If there is another way, please leave it in the replies so I can add it here ^^

- Mod C

(I am so sorry! I thought I had it wrong the first time but I didn't! I mixed up the screenshots but it IS fixed now! Please reblog this updated version and not the other one!! Again, I am so sorry my brain is broke 🥲)

[haloxsaisha]

Like To Be You.

Prologue.

[Charles Leclerc x Singer!OC]

Summary: Charles Leclerc and Advika Hira seemed to have it all- their dream jobs, love and support from millions around the globe and trust worthy friends. What if life gave them a chance to go back to something that had been missing in their lives?

Warnings: Angst, mentions of anxiety and pills, flashbacks to Monaco 2022, Google translated Italian, low-key a manifestation that Ferrari's strategies get better next season.

Word count: 2.3K words.

A/N: The mention of Charles' exes/his past relationships does not refer to Giada or Charlotte, I've decided to exclude his irl relationships in this fic. I hope you like the prologue and do let me know if you want to be added to the tag list <33

Italicized font: flashbacks.

Small Italicized font in brackets: translations.

November 2023.

"Thank you so much Istanbul, you guys were absolutely amazing today. I love you so much." Advika cheers in the microphone as she exits the stage, finishing another concert of her ongoing tour.

"Great show Advi." Vinaya grins at her as jogs into the backstage.

"Thanks Vini" she pants in reply to her manager, shooting her a tired smile "also, what's the results of today's GP?" she asks, referring to the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix that took place whilst the time she had her concert going on.

"Charles P1, Hamilton P2 and Verstappen P3." her manager tells with a smile and causing Advika to halt on their way to Advika's green room.

"Wait- seriously??" the curly haired girl squeals as her eyes begin to tear up " That means he won the championship, oh my god he did it."

"Yeah, I think you man will definitely need a call from you tonight." Vinaya gives her a teasing smile while she opens the door of her green room "sit and catch your breath for a while, then talk to him." she reminded her, knowing very well the singer will rush to call and congratulate her Monagasque boyfriend, who finally won his first World Championship after being a close contender to Max Verstappen.

"Of course I will. God, I'm so exhausted today." the Indian sighed, laying down on the couch in her dressing room.

Touring was probably the most stressful and tiring part of a singer's career. Taking pills before performing definitely helped in calming down her on-stage anxiety, but having to travel every three days and jump around the stage for hours to practice and perform really sucked out her energy. And that routine went on for almost a year and a half with small breaks in between but then, she had so many people who came to show their love and support, spending their money and time. How could she really complain when she had all of that?

After taking a few minutes so as to calm down from all the adrenaline and breathlessness of performing, she walked towards the vanity to take her phone to call Charles.

"Advika...hey." she heard Charles' voice from the speaker of her phone and furrowed her eyebrows in confusion because of the usual "chérie" that he called her everytime he picked up the phone. He even stopped using her full name after they became really good friends, going with 'Vika' which was very endearing because nobody called her that.

"Hello, world champion. How are you feeling right now?" she asks him with a huge grin on her face.

"It feels so surreal. I can't believe I finally did it, I'm so happy right now." he said with a relieved sigh and she could hear a lot of voices in the back which was most probably from the happy crew at the Ferrari paddock who were celebrating, which made her fiddle her outfit, bringing in a sinking feeling in her chest because she couldn't even be there to celebrate and cheer for him.

"You finally did it love, I'm so proud of you." she told him softly.

"Were you able to watch the podium atleast?" he asked her and she mentally groaned, knowing the answer would disappoint him. She hadn't been able to watch four to five races because of the time of her shows clashing with the races' or because of huge time differences and she couldn't afford to affect her sleep schedule because the travelling had her exhausted and she'd have to wake up soon for practices and sound checks too. He even asked if she could come to the paddock but that had been even harder.

She'd only been there only thrice that season because of the four day breaks she made sure to keep in every tour of hers whereas his previous girlfriends would accompany him atleast for half of his races. And they all went for the races to show their support openly whereas she always sneaked into the paddock to hide from the paparazzi because people had already begun to suspect that they were together and she wasn't comfortable with the relationship being in the public eye yet, making her wonder if she was bringing the downfall of her own relationship.

Charles never got angry with her for that, he was a really understanding and supportive boyfriend and didn't blame her because it was her job. But she knew he did feel disappointed about the fact that his own girlfriend could not watch his race, especially when he ended up on the podium that weekend. He never spoke about how he felt upset, but she could hear it in his voice everytime he assured her that it was totally understandable.

Not being able to watch the races made her quite upset because she was a huge fan of the sport and now that she had been dating the driver for almost a year, the guilt got even worse.

"Um, I couldn't. I'm so sorry Charles, the concert time clashed again." she sighed, taking a seat on the chair infront of her vanity.

"It's alright, don't worry I understand." he tried to sound totally alright with it but she could hear the disappointment in his voice. His family, his friends and his team were there to celebrate but she was the only person far from him.

"It's not alright though, this is such a huge moment in your life and career and I've missed it. Not just on the TV but I'm not even there to cheer for you and celebrate by your side." she grumbles, rubbing her temple with her right hand.

"No it's okay, I know you can't really do anything about it. You've been touring for more than a year and the schedule planning was done even before we started dating." he tried to assure her "and you'll be having many tours in the future too, it would be ridiculous to align them with the F1 schedule because it's there for most of the year."

She could only sigh in response, because he was right. Both their careers had the requirement to travel a lot and he'd been to three of her concerts too, their relationship mostly dependent on calls rather than being around each other.

"Advika." he called out her name, breaking the silence.

"Hmm?"

"I don't know if I can do this anymore."

"Do what?"

"Us. Our relationship." he said, making her heart sink.

"Charles we've been together only for eleven months, we can't give so soon" she pleaded "Your winter break starts in a week and my tour ends in a while too, we could try."

"You know there's nothing we can do, we're literally in different parts of the world for most of the year. We meet only a couple of times, our video calls were great but, they don't really fill the space. Even if we do spend the break together, we'll be back into this cycle again in a couple of months and this will happen so much times because of our jobs and you know that." he stated and she knew that he wasn't wrong.

Maybe there was nothing they could do.

"I- I don't know what to say." she said, fiddling with her outift again.

"Sarò lì tra un momento." he tells to somebody in the back, most probably a Ferrari staff member "I'm sorry, I really am. I just- don't know what else to do. I feel like there's been no progress in our relationship because we haven't met in a while you know?" (I'll be there in a moment.)

"Yeah, you're right and I'm sorry too, I really wish it was better. And it's alright, if you're needed by the team right now go and celebrate with them, it's your night." she tells him, trying to hold back her tears.

"Yeah I think I'll go, they've been waiting for me for a while. Bye."

"Good bye and congratulations on the win." she says and cuts the call, not wanting him feel guilty by breaking down.

Charles has voiced her thoughts about the relationship, she knew that he was right but his decision still hurt. None of her relationships in the past lasted for more than half a year because she had to travel frequently. She was skeptical about dating Charles initially because his schedule was more hectic that her's but he made her feel things that nobody had made her feel before, even when they were just friends. Advika Hira had it very bad for him.

May 2022.

"Hey, are you feeling alright?" Advika asked him out of concern as soon as she came to the Ferrari paddock at the end of the race.

Unlike the previous times at Monaco, Charles started the race this time with the pole position and would've even ended up on the podium, but the strategists had ruined yet another win for him.

"Well, I've had better days but it's alright, not the first time I've felt like this." he sighs and shrugs a bit, trying to reduce his disappointment.

"It's alright to be upset, a missed race win always hurts." she emphasized with him "Especially at your home race."

"That makes it hurt even more, sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing." he tells gloomily.

"You are an extremely talented driver alright? And I'm not saying that because we're friends or because you're really upset right now, but it's something many people see. You literally won Formula 3 and 2 in your rookie season and are the second youngest driver in Ferrari's history with the longest contract. These are no small achievements, only somebody who is bloody amazing at their job can do that. One race in a season and a mistake which was made by your team does not define you." she rambles on in an attempt to make him feel better.

"Wow, you really weren't kidding when you said that you're my fan weren't you?" he asked, referring to what she said on the day they first met.

"Of course, I wasn't." she states "I don't know if you know this but you're incredibly talented. Don't let moments let the bad days break your spirit, you have many great moments ahead."

"Thank you, I really needed to hear that today. It just- it gets pretty hard somedays you know." he sighs as they look at evening sun at Monaco.

"As a fan, some races really bring in a horrible feeling and it's obviously a lot more worse for you drivers. You really are a strong person Charles." she tells him, shooting him a small encouraging smile.

"Be prepared to get more texts and even some calls from me because you sure do know how to boost a person's confidence." he jokes, his lips curving up.

Ah, there's the smile that was missing.

"Feel free to, always at your service Mr Leclerc." she laughed, glad that she could help him feel better.

One of the Ferrari staff comes and interrupts their conversation, saying that Charles had some work to do at the garage.

"I've got to go right now. Will you be at the dinner tonight?" he asks, referring to the dinner the Ferrari team hosted for their guests who'd been invited for the Monaco GP.

"I'll be there, see you later." she tells him with a smile, pulling out her elbow so that he could tap his against it. It was way of greeting they had to when they first met due to COVID precautions but had then turned into something that they always did at the end of their conversations.

Advika turned back so as to leave the paddock but then noticed her best friends Naysha and Ria waiting for her and walked towards them.

Naysha worked as Lewis Hamilton's PR manager while Ria was McLaren's Communications Manager, which she was a little bit jealous of because they got to be at the paddocks for all the races. Not to mention Naysha was literally working for the driver who happened to be the favourite of all the three girls.

"So...." Naysha asks her as both her and Ria give Advika a knowing look.

"So?" Advika responded in confusion.

"What just happened?" Ria asked, her eyes at the spot where Charles and Advika had conversed.

"Nothing much really, I was just trying to console him a bit." she tried to shrug it off, knowing where the conversation was heading.

"The look on both of your faces was anything but a bit, you really like him don't you?" Ria asked her which made her groan mentally. She probably did but wanted to avoid going too deep into it. Charles Leclerc was way too out of her league.

"I wouldn't go that far, I have a soft spot for him." she said, knowing that the girls' knew her too well.

"He's literally your celebrity crush." Naysha pointed out, referring to days Charles was in Formula 2.

"Was my celebrity crush and it was a tiny crush, he's kind of a friend now. Besides, his previous relationship didn't seem to be that serious although it was really long and that scares me." Advika mentioned. She'd never been the one to point out on somebody's past but she felt like reminding herself about that would be better before she ended up falling into the ditch.

"That's because Charles and her barely even spend time, he's around the world for most of the year." Naysha reminded her. Both Naysha and her wanted Advika and him to end up together, everybody could see that there was something between them, even the fans.

"Yeah and if we end up together it'll be even worse than that relationship because I have to travel a lot too, and it's even shittier during touring." Advika stated, clearly trying to avoid the conclusion her best friends wanted to arrive to.

She really should've gone with the warning she gave herself that day at Monaco, god knows it would've saved her from a heartbreak and Charles' time too.

•••••

Tag List: @crueloveascities

[emerald-chaos]

Welcome to the Sweethearts Diner

We pride ourselves on offering a unique dining experience full of personal choice and surprise twists! No two menu items will ever be the same, as we allow the patron to completely customize their own orders. So grab a date, sit on down, and enjoy the Sweethearts experience.

Friends! I am so freaking excited about hosting my first writing challenge. I want to give a HUGE shout out to @animehearteyes @wastingmylifeonbritishtv @spicynudlesoup and other friends who helped give me ideas and helped bring this particular idea to life. I couldn't have done this without their help and support.

Secondly, I wouldn't even be having this writing challenge right now if it weren't for you. Thank you for being a follower of mine, supporting me, and putting up with my bs all the time. I am so grateful for every single one of you it's not funny. I hope you enjoy this challenge and participate if you'd like!

This is my first writing challenge so if there's anything I can do to make it better or any tips that someone may have for me - please share!!!

I probably have way too many prompts, but i couldn't help myself hehehe.

Rules:

Just a few things to discuss as far as expectations go.

Please choose a prompt from below and a character to go with it and let me know via my ask box which you choose! Only one person per prompt. (if you want a different character, send me an ask! let's chat about it.)

Tropes, AUs, etc. are all optional and are not limited to what I have listed below. I give you all full creative liberties to add whatever you feel like speaks to you the most.

Works written for this challenge must be able to be read as standalone fics.

Any reader insert is welcomed for this challenge (LGBTQ+, BIPOC, interracial, polyamorous relationships and more are welcomed and encouraged!). If you would like to use an OC, again, send me an ask and let's chat about it!

500 word minimum but no maximum! Please add a "read more" line after 100-200 words.

If you are writing smut you MUST be 18 years of age or older. Please have your age in your bio so I can verify this.

Deadline for fics to be completed by: December 1st (this is not a hard deadline and if you feel like you need more time, i'm happy to extend things for you.)

Hard no's for the fics: toilet stuff, bestiality, sexual situations including minors.

Dark fics are welcomed but most be tagged appropriately.

Just because a prompt is listed under a fluffy, smutty, or angsty category does not mean it is excluded to only that category. Things can be intertwined, added, and whatever at the writer's discretion!

Please include warnings where necessary.

Please tag me so I can follow the stories and read them! Use the tags included at the bottom of this post.

Who are you bringing along as your date?

Any Sebastian Stan character, including but not limited to: Bucky Barnes, Mickey Henry, Frank (endings, beginnings), Chris (destroyer), etc.

Any Chris Evans character, including but not limited to: Steve Rogers, Andy Barber, Ransom Drysdale, Ari Levinson, Collin Shea, etc.

Any Marvel character, including but not limited to: Sam Wilson, Wanda Maximoff, Natasha Romanoff, Peter Parker, Tony Stark, etc.

Choose your main course:

Sweet

“What would you wanna marry me for anyhow?” “So I can kiss you anytime I want.” Sweet Home Alabama @dreamlessinparis

“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." When Harry Met Sally

“I've come here with no expectations, only to profess, now that I am at liberty to do so, that my heart is, and always will be, yours." Sense and Sensibility @dolcezzasfantasy

"You're late." "You're stunning." "You're forgiven." Pretty Woman @bucksdolll

"I like you very much. Just as you are." Bridget Jones's Diary

"You have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on." Pride and Prejudice @wastingmylifeonbritishtv

"What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey, that's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon.” It’s a Wonderful Life @velvetcardiganbucky

"It was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together, and I knew it. I knew it the first time I touched her. It was like coming home, only to no home I'd ever known. I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew it. It was like magic." Sleepless in Seattle @thefallenbibliophilequote

“You’re the first boy I ever kissed, and I want you to be the last.” Sweet Home Alabama @vanillanaps

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.” Moulin Rouge @lokithealligator

"You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person you cannot live without." PS I Love You @doll1917

“Have you ever fallen in love with someone you haven’t even talked to?” While You Were Sleeping @hey-its-grey

“I love you.” “Thanks.” Breakfast At Tiffany’s

“I just need to know that it’s possible that two people can stay happy together forever.” Juno @abovethesmokestacks

“As you wish.” The Princess Bride

“Yes, i’m drunk. And you’re beautiful. And tomorrow morning, i’ll be sober but you’ll still be beautiful.” The Dreamers @shieldedreams

Spicy

“Nice boys don’t kiss like that.” “Oh yes they fucking do.” Bridget Jones’s Diary @bucksmotel

“You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.” Gone with the Wind @lavendercitizen

“Be still my beating vagina.” Mamma Mia 2 @starbuckie

“Are you trying to seduce me?” “Why? Are you seducible?” A Walk To Remember @slutfornat

“I gotta get outta here pronto. I got a stage five clinger. A stage five, virgin clinger.” Wedding Crashers @sableseb

“You’re really wearing that dress like you’re doing it a favor.” Crazy, Stupid Love @sunshinebuckybarnes

“I’ll have what she’s having.” When Harry Met Sally

“You know what? It’s time to go home.” “Really? That’s forward of you. But okay, I’ll do it.” Crazy, Stupid Love @soldatsass

“You must forgive my lips...they find pleasure in the most unusual places.” A Good Year @buckycuddlebuddy

“What do you say we blow this joint and then each other?” Love & Other Drugs @aphrogeneias

“You should be kissed every day, every hour, every minute.” The Lucky One @luxeavenger

“Lift your skirt. Lift it higher. Higher. Higher. Lift it higher.” The Piano @sobluesobeautiful

“How would you like to have a sexual encounter so intense it could conceivably change your political views?” The Sure Thing @specialk-18

“I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.” Bull Durham @the-iceni-bitch

“I don’t bite, you know...unless it’s called for.” Charade @yelenabeloveme

Bitter

"I'd rather fight with you than make love with anyone else." The Wedding Date

I love you. I've loved you for nine years. I've just been too arrogant and scared to realize it, and, well, now, I'm just scared." My Best Friend's Wedding

"I wanna marry you because you're the first person I wanna look at when I wake up in the morning, and the only one I wanna kiss goodnight. Because the first time that I saw these hands, I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them." Definitely, Maybe @turbolisedcomet

"I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly." You've Got Mail @bucky-soldat

I love you. I knew it the minute I met you. I'm sorry it took so long for me to catch up." Silver Linings Playbook @clints-lucky-arrow

“In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find someone who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you.” Juno

"I fell in love the way you fall asleep; slowly, and then all at once." The Fault in Our Stars @divine-mistake

"Don't forget: I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." Notting Hill @coffeebucko // @bbonkyy (writing blog)

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard, and we're gonna have to work at this every day. But I wanna do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever. You and me. Every day." The Notebook @bibbidibobbidibucky

“We'll always have Paris." Casablanca

"I'd rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without knowing you." Pocahontas @carrotfantasimp

“You said you couldn't be with someone who didn't believe in you. Well, I believed in you. I just didn't believe in me." Pretty in Pink @redbullchick

“I knew I’d never be able to remember what she wore that day. But I also knew I’d never forget the way she looked.” Father of The Bride

“I can’t see anything I don’t like about you.” Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

“You were the only thing in my life that was real.” Blue is the Warmest Color @ambrosiase

“What am I allergic to?” “Pine nuts. And the full spectrum of human emotion.” The Proposal @wintersfrost

“Trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit.” He’s Just Not That Into You

“Some people are meant to fall in love with each other, but are not meant to be together.” 500 Days of Summer @christowhore

“I think you are the most selfish person on the planet.” “That’s just silly. Have you met everyone on the planet?” 2 Weeks Notice

“Three days ago I loathed you. I used to dream about you getting hit by a car. Or poisoned.” The Proposal

“Secondly, don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want.” 10 Things I Hate About You @notwithoutyou-buckybarnes

“I feel like I’ve just found out my favorite love song was written about a sandwich.” 27 Dresses

“Why should I live up to other people’s expectations instead of my own?” 10 Things I Hate About You

“Neat freak. Healthy. Non-smoker. Single. I hate my horrible life.” The Holiday

“I miss you. If there’s anything you ever need, I won’t be far away.” Forrest Gump @rivkele

“I will not be the person you settle for because you cannot have her. I won’t do it. Not when I’ve spent my whole life loving you.” Little Women

Choose a side (trope optional; including but not limited to):

Enemies to lovers

Friends to lovers

One Bed

Love triangle

Fake relationship

Crossover

Body swap

Arranged marriage

Accidental marriage

Amnesia

Pining/longing/yearning

Exes back to lovers

Looking to sweeten the deal? Try one of our desserts! (AU optional; including but not limited to):

College

Coffee shop

Time travel/decades (does this go here or somewhere else?)

Soulmates

Mafia/Mob

Biker

Pirate

Modern

Single Dad

Sugar Daddy

Dad's Best Friend/Best Friend's Dad

Viking

Librarian

Florist

CEO

Bartender

Bodyguard

Chef

Horror

Sweethearts Diner Jukebox Time Machine Challenge

To make your menu item combinations more challenging, pop a quarter in our magic jukebox! Some say the jukebox helps the generation of the music come alive (stories may be written in the style of a different era for an added challenge! Who wouldn't love a renaissance bucky? 👀)

Decade eras (40’s, 70’s, 80’s, etc.)

Renaissance era

Medieval era

[sazandorable]

About moderating and banning content on AO3!

Okay so! I haven’t had the spoons to do this for a while but I cracked and ranted about it on twitter which is... not... conducive to long rants, so!

This is a h u g e discussion part of the l o n g history that led to the creation of AO3, which older, more informed, and more articulate people have talked about at length and can be found around if you look (I reblog some of it in my AO3 and fandom history tags for the curious). So I won’t go into that here, nor into the practical reasons why it’s not even possible to put that system in place anyway.

Arbitrarily, or the purpose of this post, because it’s the biggest topic I’ve seen brought up lately, I’ll be talking about fic depicting underage characters in se*ual situations, but honestly I could hold the exact same conversation on literally any controversial content.

This is about why you, specifically, if you are a content creator and especially if you are marginalised and especially if you are queer and especially especially if you are sensitive to fiction depicting certain things... do not, actually, want a banning system on AO3.

What? Of course we do. There’s a lot of p*do shit on AO3 and p*do shit is gross. No one should condone that, wtf? It would be easy to do — just periodically delete the entire Underage tag!

What will happen if that is done is that people will re-upload and continue to write it, they’ll just stop tagging and you will run into it with zero warning nor ability to filter it out. Again, this is not a theoretical — we know this is what happens. When I was a teen, adult content (all adult content) was not allowed on FF.NET; it was everywhere regardless, and without tags. The exact same thing happened on tumblr when adult content was banned as well. It’s not a matter of “staff not handling it well” — it just doesn’t work.

To keep safe the people who need to be able to exclude that tag, that tag needs to exist and be used.

Well, shucks. A reporting system then?

A reporting system would operate in one of two ways:

-an algorithm, which would delete a lot of stuff we wouldn’t want it to delete.

-humans, which is... the bigger problem.

An algorithm sounds great. We do want it to delete everything.

Okay. What about the daddy k*nk fics between consenting adult characters? What about the fics featuring characters that are children in the canon but are adults in the fic? What about the fics about teenagers exploring their se*uality together, written by adults about the experiences they remember having or wish they could have had? What about the thousands of SasuNaru and Drarry and other shounen and YA fics that will get written, by teens or by people who remember being teens? What about the se*ually explicit fic written by teens who are se*ually active in real life? What about the fics about CSA as trauma, about healing from it? What about the fics written by survivors of CSA to cope about their trauma? What about the fics that clearly show that it’s evil and traumatic? What about the super dark, harrowing, but beautiful and artistic that I’m glad I read even though it fucked me up for days? What about the ones that were really shitty but also horribly hot?

Well, some of these are still not okay, but maybe some might be. It depends on how it’s written. We’ll have humans moderating content and deciding, then.

Okay.

The thing is, I don’t know which of the things I just listed were okay for you to be depicted in fiction and which were too much. Odds are I don’t agree with you. Odds are if I asked 10 people randomly picked off the street, not everyone would agree.

Odds are, even if AO3 arbitrarily decided on which of those are allowed and which are not, you would not agree with their choice, and you would still be unhappy with the decision. (Or you would be happy, but your friends wouldn’t.)

Odds are, different AO3 content moderators might not agree on whether a given fic qualifies or not — is it artistic enough? Does it show enough that these actions are evil and wrong? Can the author prove they’re a teenager? Can the author prove they are a CSA victim? Can the author prove that this is to help them cope with their trauma? The author seem to be functioning alright, they mustn’t really be traumatised!

You know what I mean! There’s absolute, objectively gross shit out there that is not artistic and should not be published.

I agree that there’s vile stuff out there that makes me sick and that I think is very clearly just ped*philic trash. But there is no way to, 1) stop those from getting published anyway, 2) take those down and preserve the safety of everything else.

If we start forbidding some things, there’s two ways to go about it.

One single, clear, arbitrary rule — for instance, absolutely no adult content featuring characters under 18 (leaving aside the fact that this would not even work for the reason cited above). So we lose all the stuff from teenagers, all the coming of age stories about adolescence, all the stuff from CSA survivors; people who need to write it can’t publish it anymore, and people who need to read it can’t anymore either (and as a cool bonus, they’re told it’s wrong and made to feel bad about it). Depending on whether the rules applies to characters that are under 18 in the canon, we lose entire fandoms.

Or, subjective moderation by humans, according to what they estimate to be gross.

Let’s assume all moderators can agree on what’s gross or not.

If there is a system in place to ban some underage works because “gross shit”, then that means other gross stuff can be taken down on account of being gross and harmful.

Yeah! Gross stuff should be taken down! Come on, surely everyone agrees on what’s gross and harmful.

Ah.

But the problem is.

Here is a list of things I have seen — with my eyes seen — called harmful to be depicted in fiction:

Murder

Non-con

Inc*st

Cannibalism

Torture

Self-harm

Mental illness

Drugs

Racism

K*nk

Non-negotiated k*nk, but healthy k*nk is ok

Spanking k*nk

BDSM where the woman is a bottom, but woman top is ok

Healthy depictions of BDSM

Unhealthy depictions of BDSM

Queer people doing bad things

Abusive relationships

Rival/Enemies to lovers

Redemption stories

A happy relationship between a 17 yo and an 18 yo

A happy relationship between a 20 yo and a 60 yo

A happy relationship between a boss and their employee, or a college teacher and a student

A happy relationship between a 14 yo boy and an older teenage boy, because that’s reminiscent of older men preying on younger gay boys IRL

Se*ual content featuring a character whose age is unclear in canon and some people headcanon them as being underage, some as being a young adult

Loving, consensual fluff between characters that are evil villains, because it romanticises them and their actions

Dark content shipping female characters

Fluffy content shipping female characters, because it’s misogynistic to act like lesbians are only soft all the time

Consensual s*x featuring a canonically asexual character, because it implies that all aces can and should still have se*

Fics about the same canonically asexual character hating s*x, because that erases the experience of s*x-positive aces

Shipping a character who is perceived by some fans as queer-coded with a character of a different s*x

The tendency to ship a black character with white characters

Fluffy drunk s*x, because that’s not actually consensual

Sleep s*x, because that’s not actually consensual

Trans characters not experiencing dysphoria, because that idealises the trans experience

Consensual s*x between adults that are not married

LGBT+ content, because kids shouldn’t see that.

I guarantee you: you, I, and 10 random people plucked from the street will not agree on what, in that list, is and isn’t okay to publish and consume fiction of.

So why should your taste be the one followed? Why should it be the taste of mods you don’t know? Why should anyone get to dictate? What if the mods think your OTP is gross and your NOTP is fine?

This is the slippery slope argument.

Yes, it is the slippery slope argument. Because we know it happens. Because we’ve been there, because I’ve seen it happen myself twice already and I’m not even thirty. Because we know people do complain loudly about all of these things.

And because the second there is a banning system in place, assholes will use the system to abuse it and get stuff they just don’t like taken down using the “it is gross” argument, and one day you’ll wake up and the beautiful fic that helped you come to terms with your abuse/trauma/identity/orientation/k*nk for feet will be taken down and wonderful vulnerable creative people will have been harassed out of fandom because they argued with 1 person who didn’t like their foot k*nk fic that happened to also feature, for instance, a CSA trauma backstory.

Again: not exaggerating. Not theoretical. It happens, we know it happens, AO3 was created literally because it happens.

I still fucking hate that stuff.

That is completely fine and normal. No one likes everything. Me too! Most of the dark stuff is niche and the creators know only few people will like it the same way they do.

(For the record, I get grossed out and triggered by fics about an asexual character who does not like s*x having s*x with their partner to make them happy. Deep in my gut everything screams that that’s fucked up, terrifying and harmful, how can people write that. But I recognise that there are people who love and need that, and I leave those people and their content alone.

OTOH, I read a lot of otherwise dark shit and I enjoy it in the same way I enjoyed, say, Hannibal, in the same way some people enjoy true crime documentaries, horror movies or r*pe fantasy k*nk. It helps me explore stuff that I like to see in fiction, in a safe, controlled way. I’m also asexual, 90% s*x-repulsed IRL, and, obviously, I would never abuse a child. For that matter, I wouldn’t kill and eat people, either, nor would I do 90% of the tamer k*nky stuff I read.

Of course, Hannibal was fucked up and lots of people probably think Hannibal was gross and should not have been aired — but as exemplified by the fact that it was created, aired and watched, lots of people thought it was fine, interesting and even fun to watch.)

You can and should curate your experience and protect yourself. The AO3 website now allows you to exclude certain tags, and people have developed tools to help with that such as plugins that save your filters or hide fics that contain certain words.

But no, it isn’t going to, and it shouldn’t, get banned.

[st-agatha-city]

I posted 246 times in 2021

214 posts created (87%)

32 posts reblogged (13%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 0.1 posts.

I added 707 tags in 2021

#st agatha city - 196 posts

#dating sim - 143 posts

#visual novel - 136 posts

#game development - 95 posts

#english otome - 29 posts

#pixy burrow - 29 posts

#denver washington - 28 posts

#character intro - 24 posts

#norman west - 14 posts

#ross rorkshed - 13 posts

Longest Tag: 128 characters

#and it let me fantasize even if i’m brief flashes that there might one day be an awful 3d… or claymation 👀… movie of st. agatha

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

It’s all coming together 🌸

So, with things moving along - I’m hoping to have St. Agatha City’s demo out by the end of the year at the latest - which admittedly is a little more difficult with my job (which I am very grateful for, but still) I’d like to talk a bit more about the upcoming features and my creative process! Normally, I kind of worry this sort of thing may be considered, well… with a little ire? I followed the YanDev thing and I do not want to pull a whatever that is.

However, excluding my week long break in July, I have been spending three hours a day, as I promised myself I would, on St. Aggs as usual, and since I have a grand total of 14 followers (ily guys, thank you so much 💕) and have not yet taken anyone’s money, I’m allowed to gush a little about future ideas, right?

I’m going to post concept art, ideas, and my mechanic workshopping a little more, especially during my editing phases of St. Aggs :)) I have a bunch of ideas for the future, both the finished base game, and DLCs, and having your reactions would probably be pretty helpful ^^

As such, please expect:

🎀 A series of posts discussing the purposes of the side characters (Nazir, Bailey, Giv, Eddie, etc. there’s quite a few who will be included in the polished base game that you haven’t met yet! Especially if you aren’t familiar with my characters from my art and daydreaming blog, @maddgicalgirl!)

🎀 Discussing the source materials of the main cast, how that affected them, and how I adapted it for St. Agatha (both art wise and reconciling canon) - as all of the featured characters originate from stories I have written who I decided to throw into a dating sim 💖

🎀 Showcasing and workshopping nonspoiler features, like the inventory and inventory items, as I develop them

🎀 and, of course: Proper character intros as I begin making the required steps in Sprite artwork, CGs, and story progressions!

Thank you again to everyone! Especially my good friend @sugarcoatedsadism who has been helping make this all possible, and @decaykid for being so supportive, and dear mutuals like @dreamyblur @dreaminpeaches @habits-white-rabbit @ivan-the-rat @acircusfullofdemons for your interest, and newcomers who’ve found their way here, who I cannot wait to meet!! You’ve made a world of difference to me! Even those who I have not listed, feel free to message me anytime on this blog - your presence matters to me greatly 💗

18 notes • Posted 2021-08-05 23:21:37 GMT

#4

"GOD FUCKING dammit KRIS where the FUCK are we?"

20 notes • Posted 2021-10-07 22:22:06 GMT

#3

Extraneous CGs

Just wanted to show you guys some of the non-spoiler CGs from St. Agatha City, Chapter 0! Here we have Pixy and a cockroach, and Donny - a clerk at the local taco place :))

39 notes • Posted 2021-07-22 16:01:19 GMT

#2

Thanks for looking at him. My Claggor post is officially my most popular art! This isn’t an Arcane blog (though arguably my main, @chainsawgirlfriend is haha) this is my art and game dev blog where I’m working on developing my visual novel, St. Agatha City. However, I couldn’t not celebrate. So, here’s Powder congratulating Clag on his accomplishment! I loved their dynamic ;-; he is such a good big brother.

83 notes • Posted 2021-11-10 17:41:39 GMT

#1

CLAGGOR ME BOY-

194 notes • Posted 2021-11-09 09:10:23 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[tlbodine]

The Great Content Warning Debate

Horror Twitter has been aflame for a few days now with heated discourse about trigger/content warnings, and I keep seeing the same arguments and questions and points come up repeatedly so I wanted to collect all of it into one place because I feel like discourse can only get so far if people keep reinventing the wheel -- so perhaps having the full discussion laid out in one place could be helpful.

Of course, the folks arguing probably won’t see this post, but perhaps there can be some benefit from talking about it anyway. This is intended to be more of an overview of arguments and counter-arguments, collected and displayed as impartially as possible, but of course my own opinions are going to leak in and color some of this. 

NOTE: This is written specifically from the perspective of the horror book community, a genre that traditionally is associated with troubling, transgressive, risk-taking and shocking works. There are discussions to be had for content labels on other types of fiction, but as I’m unfamiliar with the norms and expectations of, say, romance, I’m not going to wade too deeply into that here. 

So without further ado, the arguments and counter-arguments and discussion points that I keep seeing hashed and rehashed and circled around when the issue of trigger warnings comes up! 

If you’re sensitive, you shouldn’t be reading horror 

“Horror is supposed to be horrifying! It’s not fluffy bunnies and kittens! You’re supposed to be made uncomfortable!” 

There are a few problems with this: 

“Uncomfortable” is not the same as “Sent into a panic attack/flashback/relapse” (ie, triggered) 

People with PTSD and other issues can and do engage with horror all the time and often love the genre for entertainment or therapeutic purposes

Many people are fine with some types of content but not others; blood and guts won’t affect them the same as rape, or they’re fine with adults dying but can’t handle child death, and so on and so forth 

Knowing what you’re getting into can help you prepare/brace yourself so you’re not taken unaware; people with the right warnings can mentally prepare themselves and enjoy a book that they would not have been able to read if they were confronted with it unexpectedly

Trigger warnings are censorship 

Some folks have an implicit/kneejerk reaction that “trigger = bad thing” and respond to the request to put warnings on a book as a moral value judgment on the book’s contents. I can see why they might fear that, especially because at a glance it’s easy to conflate the groups asking for warnings with the groups who say things like “if your characters have underage sex then you the writer are literally a pedophile.” But by and large the folks asking for warnings do not seem to be asking for folks to stop writing certain difficult themes, only to provide a heads up for readers about the type of experience those readers can expect from the book. 

There is an argument to be made that warnings could affect the sales of a book, in much the same way that an NC-17 film doesn’t get the same distribution opportunities as an R-rated or PG-13 film, and that authors/publishers will make marketing decisions to include or exclude certain types of content in order to avoid this. 

Trigger warnings will spoil the book 

While some readers will benefit from content warnings, others might have their reading experience ruined by knowing about major twists. This seems especially relevant with a warning like “child death.” It’s very important that people who have, for example, recently lost a child not be unexpectedly re-traumatized by reading about a child dying without warning. But it’s also important that people who want to enjoy the full, shocking impact of such a scene have the opportunity to do so without having it dulled by forewarning. 

Any kind of warning system needs to be opt-in for a reader. Some suggestions include: 

Placing warnings at the end of a book, where readers can flip to that page to look (not helpful if you’re ordering online) 

Placing warnings on the author’s website, where readers can search (not helpful if you’re buying in person)

Given the limitations, a combination of those strategies seems to make sense. It may also be unfortunately true that someone looking for one type of warning (ie, rape) will have their experience ruined if they spoiler themselves for another warning (child death). This may be unavoidable collateral damage. 

Authors/Publishers should be responsible for putting warnings in their books

There seems to be some debate over whether the onus of responsibility for providing warnings rests on the author or the publisher. It should be acknowledged that authors may not always have the power to make this choice -- and if the presence or absence of warnings becomes a factor for judging the quality/moral fiber of authors, those authors could be punished by the reader community for a choice that was largely out of their hands (although, there’s still nothing keeping the author from hosting those warnings externally - how successfully that is implemented is another matter). 

Additionally, the demand for warnings will be placed more consistently on small presses simply because those presses are more likely to heed the request. This could create a double standard where readers might be more forgiving of large pub works that forego warnings because there’s no expectation that they would have implemented them anyway. On the other hand, this could be a way for indie publishers to differentiate themselves on the market and appeal more to certain subsets of readers. 

External groups or communities should be responsible for warnings

There’s a line of reasoning that an author or publisher may not be sensitive to the potentially triggering/damaging things in their work, and some kind of external governing body should manage this work instead. This does sound a lot more like the censorship argument that people are worried about. 

Wiki-style sites and places where people can freely tag books (such as Storygraph) also fit this bill to an extent. They would presumably have less power over the market than a ratings board like the MPAA, but could still exert influence over how a book is received. 

Demanding warnings will negatively impact marginalized authors 

We’re already seeing some evidence that BIPOC and LGBTQ authors are affected more by user-generated trigger warnings on sites like Storygraph, and that these warnings can be weaponized against marginalized authors. Much like review-bombing a book before it comes out can affect its launch, labeling a book with inaccurate trigger warnings could damage its sales. 

Similarly, lists of “safe” and “unsafe” authors have already begun to circulate among some groups, and there seems to be a disproportionate number of marginalized creators on that “unsafe” list -- at least according to the anecdotal reports I’ve seen. 

Historically, it is true that any attempts at censorship or content moderation will be more harshly applied to marginalized groups (see: film ratings for gay sex vs straight sex). 

It’s impossible to warn for everything

One hesitancy that some authors have with tagging their work is they’re not sure what to tag for. Triggers are highly personal, and there’s no way you can possibly guess what might upset a reader. 

Here’s a list of commonly agreed-upon things that might make sense to tag for in a given work: 

Violence/gore 

Suicide/self-harm

Rape/sexual assault

Domestic violence

Child death/endangerment

Animal death/abuse

Drug use/substance abuse 

Racism/slurs 

That said, it’s still difficult to account for context. At what stage do you warn for something? If a character is drinking a beer, do you need to tag for that? Do you distinguish between the tone things are written in, such as being played for laughs vs seriously? If the rape scene is written artistically/metaphorically, does the same warning apply as if it were described act-by-act in a clinical sense? What if your blanket list of warnings gives readers a false sense of what the book will be like -- is it actually helpful at all, or is it just posturing/virtue signaling to include warnings that won’t actually be effective?  

Some would argue that this is dramatically overthinking it, but this does seem to cause a great deal of distress to authors who want to do the right thing but worry about getting it wrong. An argument could be made that trying and failing might be worse than doing nothing, especially if your attempts get you labeled as a “trustworthy” or “safe” author only for that trust to be “betrayed” by a warning you used incorrectly. 

On the other hand, many would argue that we all “pretty much know” what needs to be warned for, and that warnings are intuitive. These granular questions could be viewed as a distraction from more common sense issues. 

Readers are responsible for managing their own safety

Ultimately, because it’s impossible for every potential trigger to be identified and warned for, readers will need to remain vigilant. Of course, there are already ways to identify the content of a book without any kind of established warning system -- such as, for example, reading posted book reviews, asking a question on a book’s Goodreads page, reaching out to the author directly, asking about the book in a reading group online or having a friend/parent/spouse/trusted person read the book first and report back with their findings. 

This is the system we’ve pretty much used as readers for years, before “trigger warning” became part of the common vernacular, and it does have some distinct advantages just because you can get a lot more specific information this way. 

It is possible that if warnings become more commonplace for books that readers may become less vigilant about their own safety, which could paradoxically put them at greater risk of finding troubling content unexpectedly. 

There’s also the issue of “safe” and “unsafe” author lists. At the moment, while the discourse is hot, it’s perhaps more natural to pick sides and disregard some authors for reasons that may be unfair -- for example, marking an author as unsafe or boycotting her work because she doesn’t want to include warnings, but she wants to avoid warnings because she strongly believes they will be detrimental to a reader’s safety. A reader may or may not agree with that perspective, but it’s certainly not the same motive as an author who would do something actively malicious to a reader (like, idk, emailing a screamer to a reviewer or something. that’s a made up example.) 

In the end, trigger warnings are a good idea, but the issue is complex to implement and some people do still have reservations about their overall efficacy. 

We simply won’t know one way or another until we try to implement it. But in the meantime, I do think it’s valuable to continue talking about this, as long as everyone involved remains civil and engages in good faith. Once people’s perspectives start getting thrown out the window in the heat of the moment, or strawmen arguments are erected that don’t reflect what anyone involved actually believes, the discussion ceases to be helpful. 

[mercuryonparklane]

Since Taylor released “You All Over Me” last night and also posted the “Love Story” remix lyric video that includes a group picture with Emily in it, I am reposting this from my other blog (because at the time I posted it my other blog was too new to show up in the tags). I’m not necessarily saying that YAOM is about Emily...

Anyway, here is a post about “Breathe” and how it is the only Grammy nominated song of Taylor’s that she has performed just once:

Prior to Lover Taylor had 9 Grammy nominated songs (that appeared on her own records): “You Belong With Me”. “White Horse”, “Breathe”, “Mean”, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”, “Begin Again”, “Shake It Off”, “Blank Space”, and “Bad Blood”.

According to Taylor herself, despite multiple requests from fans over the years, she has only sung “Breathe” live one time. She performed it for the first and, so far, only time on August 18, 2018 during her reputation Stadium Tour show in Miami.

I decided to compare this to how many times she has sung her other Grammy nominated songs (I chose not to include anything from Lover or folklore because she obviously hasn’t had the opportunity to perform those songs as she normally would):

(Disclaimer: the data related to the number of times Taylor has played each song comes from setlist.fm, so it may not be 100% accurate, but it is close enough to demonstrate the purpose of this post)

“Breathe”

Date of release (as a single): October 23, 2008

# of times Taylor has performed this song live in total: 1

“White Horse”:

Date of release (as a single): December 9, 2008

# of times Taylor has performed this song live in total: 137

“You Belong With Me”

Date of release (as a single): April 26, 2009

# of times Taylor has performed this song live in total: 381

“Mean”

Date of release (as a single): March 13, 2011

# of times Taylor has performed this song live in total: 196

“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”

Date of release (as a single): August 13, 2012

# of times Taylor has performed this song live in total: 272 (that # includes 1 time she performed the song as a mashup with “Bad Blood” and 53 times as a mashup with “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things”)

“Begin Again”

Date of release (as a single): October 1, 2012

# of times Taylor has performed this song live in total: 75

“Shake It Off”

Date of release (as a single): August 18, 2014

# of times Taylor has performed this song live in total: 189

“Blank Space”

Date of release (as a single): November 10, 2014

# of times Taylor has performed this song live in total: 166

“Bad Blood”

Date of release (as a single): May 17, 2015

# of times Taylor has performed this song live in total: 141 (that # includes the 53 times she performed the song as a mashup with “Should’ve Said No”)

As you can see, there is a pretty glaring disparity between the number of times she performed the other 8 songs live compared to the 1 time she performed “Breathe” live.

The song was released as a promotional single in the lead up to the release of Fearless, but wasn’t really a main single. It never had a music video, which means that it was probably never meant to be pushed for the charts. Although, it did spend one week on the Billboard Hot 100 chart, peaking at #87 on the week ending November 29, 2008, following the release of Fearless.

The song was co-written with Colbie Caillat, who also features on the track. Colbie was fairly popular at the time, in particular her debut single “Bubbly” had been very successful the previous year. So, you might think Taylor’s team/label would have wanted to push this song a bit more, but for some reason they didn’t.

The song seemed to be received well by critics too. There were obviously plenty of people who thought the song was good enough to earn a Grammy nomination. Although, it did end up losing to Colbie’s other, more commercially successful collaboration (“Lucky” with Jason Mraz).

So, it has been established that the song was released as a promotional single, it was nominated for a Grammy, and it was a collaboration with a popular (at the time) artist. These three factors combined might make someone wonder why she didn’t perform this song live until almost 10 years after its release. Just to reiterate, Taylor performed “Begin Again”, the song she performed second least out of this list, 75 times compared to the 1 and only time she performed “Breathe” in 2018.

This brings me back to the point that all of these other songs have a music video and were pushed as singles, whereas “Breathe” was only a promotional single and never had a music video.

Perhaps it would be fairer compare “Breathe” with the other promotional single Taylor released in the lead up to Fearless (I am excluding “Change” because it does have a music video and was used during the 2008 Olympics):

“You’re Not Sorry”

Date of release (as a single): October 28, 2008

# of times Taylor has performed this song live in total: 124

Yes, that’s right. Taylor has performed “You’re Not Sorry”, a song that got about the same amount of promotion as “Breathe”, well over 100 times.

Fearless was Taylor’s sophomore album and it was her first tour as a headliner. She had two albums worth of songs, plus a handful of others, to choose from. “Breathe” did not make the setlist. The only other song from Fearless that was not a part of the main setlist for that tour was “The Best Day”, a song that she performed live 6 times between 2009 and 2018, including twice during the Fearless Tour.

So, “Breathe”, again, was:

co-written by and features an artist who was popular at the time

released as a promotional single

nominated for a Grammy

never performed live before August 18, 2018

Which begs the question, why did she wait so long to perform the song live?

It has pretty much been established that the song is about Taylor’s original fiddle player, Emily. Taylor has never named names on this one, but most Swifties, even non-Gaylors, think the song is about her. Colbie Caillat basically confirmed this longtime fan theory in an April 2020 interview, where she says that Taylor “was writing about something she was going through with a band member at the time, and she was pouring her heart out about it”.

Taylor did say in the “making of” video for “Breathe” that the song is about a friend:

“It was total therapy because I came in and I was like, ‘Look, you know, one of my best friends, you know, I’m gonna have to not see anymore and is not gonna be part of what I do and it’s, like, the hardest thing to go through.’ It’s, like, crazy listening to the song cause you’d think it would be about a relationship, but it’s really about, like, losing a friend and, like, having a fallout and just the loss…”

She also adds:

“It’s never specific as to why. That’s my favorite thing about it. It doesn’t talk about why or whose fault it was cause sometimes the hardest time and way to say goodbye is when it’s nobody’s fault. It just has to stop.”

But, again, I’m pretty sure that Taylor herself has never said that it was about Emily. The official story is that Emily left the band to attend law school, but there is a rumor that she was actually fired. More specifically, the rumor is that she was fired when the true nature of their relationship was discovered.

This is all old news to Gaylors, of course. I said in my first post for this blog that I would not go too far into this theory due to the fact that Emily was 21 when she was hired and Taylor was only 16 at that time. I do think it is possible that Taylor had strong feelings towards Emily and maybe those feelings were unrequited or maybe they were reciprocated. Either way, perhaps someone found out somehow and the fallout was Emily getting fired.

It is also not improbable that Emily decided that she didn’t really like being on the road or the business side of being a professional musician and wanted to pursue a different career. If that was the case, then I do wonder why Taylor felt the need to repeatedly sing “I’m sorry” at the end of “Breathe”.

The only thing that would make sense, other than a potential firing that Taylor somehow felt responsible for, is that they had a fight when Emily broke the news to Taylor that she was going to leave the band. Hence, Taylor feeling the need to apologize so profusely.

Even if that is the case (here is where I project a bit/draw from my own experience), it still seems, to me, like Taylor felt a deep connection to Emily that might have blurred the line between platonic and romantic feelings. Maybe Emily is the first woman that she had those feelings for (ignoring “Angelina” and “Me And Britney” for this point) and so when she left it hit her really hard. Thus, she couldn’t bear to sing about it, even by the time the Fearless Tour started almost a year and half later.

That is all speculation, of course. Still, I can’t help but wonder why she would let almost an entire decade go by before she decided to sing a literal Grammy nominated song on stage for the first time. Especially considering the fact that she has performed all of her other Grammy nominated songs well over 100 times, aside from “Begin Again” (which she has still performed 74 times more than “Breathe”).

[redhawtriot]

Baby Boom (Bakugou x Reader)

Tip Jar ☕- Not expected but always appreciated💞

I felt as though since this story had such a specific narrative (especially delving into the harsh world of modeling and the effects of discrimination) that it would reach out to a very specific niche of reader.

I was actually astonished by loud support this fic has obtained so for, so thank you so much! I cannot stress enough how much that means to me. 

HnM 💕

Tag-list: @steggy4ever​ @library-trash​ @watevermelon​ @glimmadora-ble​ @persephones24​ @dragonempress123​ @your-pri-ncess @broken-from-fandoms​ @hot-pocket01​ @tsukineho​

Month 1, Month 3

--Month 2--

No.

You looked at the stick of plastic in your hand with wide eyes as your mouth stuttered into a slack jaw—your breaths hardly making their way in and out of your lungs evenly.

You squeezed your eyes shut so hard that you saw white spots underneath your lids before you snapped them back open again, internally praying that you would wake up form whatever nightmare you were having.

However, you couldn’t blink away the big, fat smiley face that stared back up at you from the piece of purple and white plastic that sealed your fate.

No. No. No!

The sudden urge to puke came back with a vengeance and you threw yourself to the toilet, slamming your knees to the ground in the process. As your stomach lurched up into your chest, you couldn’t tell whether the tears forming in your eyes were from the harshness of the motion or something else entirely.

“Gah!” you loudly choked out as you pulled away from the mess in the toilet. 

Once the nausea became slightly less debilitating you leaned back against your bathtub, throwing your head up as you groaned to the ceiling, “No, no, no, nooo…” you softly sobbed. You tried your best to keep from bawling so you didn’t find yourself with your head back in the bowl, but you couldn’t help the stream of hot tears that spilled from your eyes as you stared at the vent in the ceiling.

How could this happen? How could you be… pr...

A sudden stirring in your gut made you swallow hard as you tried to keep your stomach out of your throat.

Don’t be an idiot, Y/N. You took sex education in high school. You put the condom on the banana and were scolded with constant threats of STDs and the fires of Hell like everybody else. So yeah. You know how it happened.

You sighed as you thought back to all the guys you had slept with recently-- which was luckily not too many within the past few months, and only one since your last period.

Fuck, you didn’t even remember what the damn fathe-- guy looked like.

Well, excluding his rippling muscles.

You threw your head into your hands as the uncanny image of a body builder newborn infiltrated your mind. Well, that didn’t fucking help at all. Grabbing your hair tightly as you stared at the tile between your legs, you cursed yourself, “You dumbass! How could you be so goddamn stupid!? Stupid, stupid, stupid!” you repeatedly knocked against your skull.

You reached into the recesses of your memory for any information you might have about the guy. Where was his apartment again...? On the other side of town somewhere right… Near Club 52? God, you didn’t even fucking know! and what did it matter anyway, huh? What were you gonna do? Storm up to his place, pregnancy tests a-blazin’, and tell the complete stranger that you were carrying his kid?!

With a weak and tired moan, you lifted yourself off of your bathroom floor and went to the sink to rinse your bile infested mouth out and wash the salty tears off of your cheeks.

But not before you got a good look at yourself in the mirror.

Swollen eyes.

Red nose.

Drying, teary snot pooling on the rim of your upper lip.

“You look like shit,” you harshly reprimanded yourself before turning the sink on and sticking your face into the cool water. Your hands blindly reached around your counter until you finally grabbed a nearby hand towel to bring to your face. As you patted your cheeks dry, your eyes wandered to the counter where three other positive pregnancy tests that you had taken earlier that morning resided.

The trio all sported a similar smug smile as they looked up to you as if to say ‘we told you so.’

The little shits.

“Shut up.” You quickly grabbed all four tests and with a hint of bitterness chucked them into a nearby trash bin before making your way to your bedroom across the hall.

Plopping down onto your screeching mattress, you took your phone out:

Boss Lady

[2:50 pm]

Hey, brat. I hope you’re doing better.

Don’t forget that we have that runway fitting next week. And the test shots. And the international scouting event.

Think. Thin.

No carbs. No red meats.

NO ALCOHOL!!!

Fucking no alcohol for nine whole months. You attempted to scoff at this, but what came out could have probably been mistaken for the last sounds of a dying animal.

Kimi:

[3:31 pm]

Hope you made it home safe last night!

As you read this text, a piece of you wished that maybe you hadn't made it home safe last night... Your brain briefly wandered into the dark territories of ‘what if’s’ as you imagined falling in front of the train at the subway, walking past a drug deal gone wrong, hell-- drowning on the water you took with your Pepto Bismol. You quickly brushed these thoughts away as you continued looking through your phone, 

Boss Lady

[4:45 pm]

Oh, also Deku just asked for a meeting with you personally.

You’re going of course. Glad you got his attention. Good girl.

Tomorrow.  5:00pm. El Vino’s downtown. (EAT LIGHTLY!)

Inches! Inches! Inches!

You slammed your phone down onto your mattress as you loudly sighed.

Inches. Your entire livelihood depended on your damn inches and now there was no way you could maintain the “golden ratio.” The thought made your blood churn.

Modeling… was all that you had. You didn’t have any other fucking talents—no quirk to depend on-- so when would your growing stomach steal your life away?

When do people even start ‘showing’? 

You haven’t come across many pregnant women, but all of the ones you have seen either looked like normal people or like freaking beach balls. For some reason your brain couldn’t conjure an intermediate.

Did they just blow up out of nowhere? If so, then when? How long could you pull a ruse off before your growing organ snitched on you? 5 months? 6 months? Next fucking week?

You realized then that you knew next to jack squat about pregnancy.

Or damn kids for that matter.

Okay so... abortion? For some reason, even just the thought of that word made an icky taste surge in your mouth—or maybe it was the leftover vomit, who knows?

To be honest, you had never really thought much on abortion before—it was one of the many topics filed into your brain under ‘that does not and will not pertain to me, so why the fuck should I care?’ Filtered out and forgotten, your feelings on abortion had yet to be developed.

Until now.

After a few beats, you opened your phone back up and began to dial Kimi, fearing that you might soon explode with the brunt of knowledge that weighed heavily upon your shoulders.

You paused.

Had you ever actually talked to her about anything that wasn’t exclusively work related? In the past two years of knowing her, have you ever actually learned anything about her, and she about you? Very suddenly, you were slapped in the face by a crude fact: Kimi was just a work-friend.

That was fucking fine and dandy up until now. You pretty much either worked, or drank, or showed up to work drunk. But now…

Shit.

Who the hell else could you call? You barely had any friends, and you hadn’t talked to your family in what felt like ages. Who was there for situations like this? If half of your life was working, and half of your life was drinking, and your work friends were a no go… what about your drinking friends? Your mind briefly fled to the stashes of your best buddies-- vodka and tequila-- that you kept in your kitchen.

But not even they could save you now.

Fuck you really were alone.

That night, you found yourself constantly flipping your pillow to find a new dry spot to assault with fresh tears. You hadn’t cried so much since you were a kid. Wait-- come to think of it, you couldn’t even remember the last time you had cried at all.

So, was it hormones? Pregnancy hormones?

The surreal thought made your tears fly down your face even more furiously.

The next evening there was practically no trace or evidence of your mental breakdown from the night before as you strolled up to El Vino’s. It was honestly kind of frightening how quickly you had managed to pull yourself together before this little meeting—but mostly, it was empowering.

Okay, Y/N. You fucking got this. Hormones or not, you were still a baddie to your very core.

Deku was easy enough to spot in the little Mediterranean themed restaurant—with the green-ass hair and all. You strolled up to the table with the warmest smile that you could muster, “Mr. Deku,” you quickly approached his table and gave a slight bow.  

“H-Hey!” You seemed to startle him with your sudden appearance. He jumped a bit in his seat and awkwardly shifted as you made your way to your own chair. His face was a bit red as you maintained your eyes on his shying expression. 

“Look, before you say anything. I just want to say sorry,” his shocked eyes suddenly snapped back up to yours as you continued, “I had no idea that the event was yours and I probably ruined the rest of the night for you. If you want me off the brand deal, then I completely understand, just... don’t blame Ainu’s agency.”

His mouth fumbled over itself for a moment, causing you to quirk an unsure eyebrow before he could finally speak up, “No t-that’s not what I am here for at all, Miss L/N.”

“Call me Y/N. please,” your smirk was a little less sure than usual and you prayed that he couldn’t detect how off he had thrown you. This was going much different than you had expected it to. For one, he wasn’t trying to ‘put you in your place for disrespecting him’ or bargain  sex ‘as an apology’ like most power hungry men in his position would.

“Okay, M-miss Y/N,” the blush that adorned his cheeks confused you even further and you felt the space between your eyebrows involuntarily tighten. That was another thing… He didn’t seem like a typical man in a position of power. He was… soft... you didn’t know how else to explain it other than unusual for a man of his size and stature.

“I actually wanted to apologize to you,” he spoke up once more and you were completely lost by then. You could only blink as he continued to speak, “You really got me thinking about things the other night-- you were totally right. The brand of my sneakers did lose its true meaning. I really meant to have it be a symbol for kids growing up without a quirk to enjoy—to give them hope, but it turned into more of an endorsement to myself. The whole thing. It was wrong. That’s why I have decided to give 100% of my personal Red Sneakers profits to establishing my Quirkless Youth Initiative,”

You looked around for any hidden cameras—any hidden agenda behind his motives before looking back to him with a stiff expression. You had to physically keep your face from scrunching, “And just how are you going to make a living out of a mindset like that?” you dared to call his bluff.

“It’s just gonna have to work. It’s what my mentor would have done—given 100%. Beyond actually.”

Holy shit. This man was being serious. ‘100% and beyond’ serious, to be exact. Your face scrunched up once more, “Why do you care so much anyway?” you cut back on your tone as you noticed his eyes widen a bit at your accusatory voice, “Not to be rude, but… what’s a strong hero like you doing caring about us quirkless?”

He seemed to be lost in thought for a moment or two. Contemplating on whether or not he was going to lie, you noticed, “I… I…  didn’t have a quirk until much later in life. I was 14. Growing up, I always wanted to be a hero, and I just wish that I had someone back then believe in me. I want to be the one that tells kid’s—with a smile-- that they can do it. That they have at least one person who believes in them.”

His name-- Deku-- it meant worthless. The puzzle pieces were finally coming together and things began to make sense. It was a name that either himself or others used to describe him when he was growing up probably, and the man had taken it and spun it around to make it his own. Even you had to admit--

“That’s pretty damn impressive,” you couldn’t help the curl that tugged into the corners of your lips as Deku bashfully looked away from you,

“It’s nothing, really!” he tried to deflect. You gave a small laugh before smoothly bringing up the glass of wine in front of you to your lips. As soon as the liquid rushed in your mouth, your eyes flew wide open with realization,

Shit! What the fuck were you doing?

You immediately spit the alcohol back into your cup and snapped your eyes back to Deku who had, thankfully, been too caught up in his own embarrassment to be paying attention to you. You gave a sigh of relief and sat the wine glass as far away from you as inconspicuously possible. 

“So,” you leaned into the table a bit to get his eyes back on you, “Tell me about this Quirkless Youth Initiative,” you smiled. 

From that point on, you and Deku actually found talking to each other relatively easy—okay, extremely easy. In fact, you stayed past the point of dinner and ended up talking at your table hours after the bill had been paid.

You talked about everything and nothing altogether and didn’t know just when to end the conversation. You lowered your borders for some reason. Well-- you knew the reason. It was because you had been dying to talk to someone since you found out that you were the ‘p-word.’

 He ended up walking you home. Past that, for the next two weeks you guys pretty much saw each other every other day or two and talked fairly regularly. Things became habitual.

In fact.

As you stood in the beaming light of the wardrobe, getting your makeup done, you found yourself stealing little glances here and there to your phone to text with your new friend, Deku. Every buzz of your phone left you with a giddy sense of excitement.

One of the models sharing the gigantic mirror with you quickly took notice of your demeanor, “What are you smiling at, Y/N?”

“She’s texting someone,” another spoke up as your friend/babysitter, Kimi strolled up next to you,

“What?! Y/N L/N texting someone back? Have we entered the Twilight Zone??” she joked. You only responded with poking your tongue out at her before your phone buzzed again, 

Deku:

[1:00 pm]

Good Luck on your runway thing today!

You:

More like run away thing🏃‍♀️💨

Deku:

I could help? Bring comfort snacks?

You:

Most of us haven’t eaten a full meal in days BB

You would literally be stampeded by women

Wait that sounded too good🤔

You will literally be stampeded by hungry women***

Deku:

You haven’t been eating?!

Since when?!

You:

That’s not what I said. 

Just pre-show prep to keep the waists snatched and the legends skinny💁‍♀️

Deku:

Sorry I don’t know how your job really works.

I’ll come over again tonight after your show and bring dinner!

If that’s okay. Sorry didn’t mean to sound pushy.

“Didn’t you hear? Her and Deku really hit it off on their date,”  Your attention was instantly snapped away from your phone screen.

You gave an ugly snort, “It wasn’t a date.” And you certainly weren’t lying. The friendly atmosphere between you and Izuku felt comfortable as best—nothing intimate about it.

You wouldn't have it any other way. It felt as though he was placed in your life to perfectly fill the holes in your boat just before you started sinking.

“Girl your phone is blowing up!” a co-worker exclaimed, loudly.

Kimi laughed as she pinched your cheeks, “Look at that smile on her face”

All of the commotion gathered the attention of Boss Lady, who was currently storming up to you with the ‘phone box’ (or phone cemetery as some of you liked to call it) in her hand. She liked to have this on her especially in big events like runways or show casings because some of the girls—you were guilty as charged—spent quite a bit of time on their phones behind the scenes, “Phone. Bin. Now.”

Usually, you would put up some type of argument or give a quick-witted remark, but this time around you only rushed to send one final text in before you threw your cellphone into the crate.

You:

[1:33pm]

I should get off at like 11 see you then broccoli boy🥦🤪

Kimi looked terrified as though she was the one who had just incurred Ainu’s wrath, “Still smiling, huh...?” 

You hadn’t even notice that you had been.

Talking to Deku really did make you happy when you needed it. Just like he spun ‘deku’ around and made it make sense, he had spun your life around and did the same. He made you feel like life was normal—whatever the hell that was. You’d never really been classified as normal anyway, but you had some impression that this resembled what it must feel like.

For a fleeting moment you think that maybe you should just sleep with Deku and pass this pregnancy off as his since you had yet to tell him-- or anyone-- about it. 

But the better half of you instantly slaps this thought out through your ears.

Hello? Welcome to psycho bitch incorporated. Seriously. What the fuck was wrong with you?

Damn, you had been separated from your phone (and Deku) for exactly 23 seconds and you were already outta your cot-damn mind. You get one friend and suddenly you don’t know how to act. 

You needed to somehow find “blond muscle man” and let him know what was up. Fuck, how were you supposed to do that when you didn’t even know his name?

The runway that night went pretty much how every single other runway went, except this time-- you opted not to attend any of the after parties. Instead, you went home and had Deku over, who delivered on his promise with sushi. 

You could smell the sushi as soon as he walked through the door and your mouth instantly watered. He really was god sent. 

The two of you settled quickly in your apartment, deciding to risk it all and eat on your living room couch to watch TV; however, you quickly noticed that the TV wasn’t the only thing that Izuku was watching. As soon as you turned to raise an eyebrow on him he feebly attempted to avert his gaze, but you caught him anyways, “What? You better stop sizing me up unless you wanna fight, Deku,” you sang as you popped another sushi roll into your mouth.

“W-what sizing you up?!”

You cackled at the sudden redness of his face, “I’m just joking. We both know I’d probably kick your ass!”

“You think so?” he actually sounded a bit nervous in his tone, causing you to roll your eyes. 

“Oh, I know so,” you shrugged with a growing smirk, “Anyway. What are you staring so hard at me for?”

The air became very still around the two of you as he looked down to think. This was something that became pretty expectant of him these past few week-- a funny little habit.

“It’s just… we’ve been hanging out a lot the past few weeks and I never really noticed it—your… dieting,” he seemed to fall into that last word a bit as if it wasn’t exactly the word that he had wanted to use. 

You knew that he meant to say ‘starving yourself’ but was too reserved for that level of bluntness. That was okay with you. You weren't particularly ready to open that can of worms, “Damn, and here I was thinkin’ I was looking pretty damn good,” you joked as the both of you began cleaning up your food mess.  

“No. That’s not what I meant I—”

“Joking! I’m just joking with you, Big D,” you found yourself using this nickname for him whenever you wanted to see his face fall into it’s deepest shades of red. It worked every single time,

“I have just been at this for a long time—modeling for Ainu’s agency. Since I was 15 actually,” you shook your head a little at the surge of nostalgia that wanted to bubble up your back. You clutched a nearby pillow and hugged it to your chest, “She scouted me at a mall food court. She changed my entire life—for the better of course. She is practically my mom... I owe her a lot,” you found yourself giving into the nostalgia a bit-- a small, fond smile tugging at your lips. You looked up after a few beats of silence filled the air and was met with Deku’s admiring stare, “What? You nerd!” you exclaimed with a giggle, chucking the pillow at him. 

“It’s nothing. I just like hearing about you. I feel like I have been doing a lot of talking about me since we have been hanging out.”

Yeah, he was a Cancer zodiac for sure. You pretty much knew his entire life’s story after only the first week of knowing him, “Are you kidding me?! Your life is straight out of a comic book, BB! I love hearing about it!” You began talking to him from out of the kitchen as you put your leftovers in the fridge,

“You went up against the League of Villains, the Vanguard Action Front and The Paranormal Liberation Front as a freshman?? You powered up from a quirkless crybaby! (Hey!) to an amazing, uprising, super considerate, overpowered crybaby on his way to number one! Your U.A. friends all seem like comic book characters, too. I love them already from what you tell me,” you closed the fridge, revealing his shocked expression.

“Really?” You nodded, igniting a spark in his eyes, “Well, I am actually having a little get together at my place for my friends if you wanna stop by.”

“Yeah sure. As long as my favorite character, Kaminari, is there,” Izuku seemed shocked and slightly offended by your choice in favorite, so you clarified, “He sounded really cool and all with his ‘chatty zappy’ thing going on,” you suddenly rolled your eyes as a bad taste emerged in your mouth, “Kacchan sounds like a little bitch baby though, no offense.”

“Y/N!”

“What?! Kacchan can ‘Kach’ these ‘hans’! Oh come on. Not even a pity laugh? A little one?” You apparently thought you were a lot funnier than Izuku did. 

“I think the two of you might actually get along. You’re very similar now that I think about it,” he trailed off on his last part, seemingly talking to himself as he grabbed his chin. 

You almost felt offended by his comparison, “Fuck that. Oppisites attract, Similars repel. Besides. Why would I wanna be friends with a little bitch baby that bullies and pisses on quirkless people?”

“Well, when you meet him next week you might like him…”

You clicked your tongue, “So now I am obligated to come, huh?” you smirked.

“N-no well that’s not what I meant but I would appreciate if you—”

You were only half paying attention to his freak out as the abrupt craving for orange juice infiltrated your mind and placed itself on the forefront of your thoughts, “Deku. I am joking!” you absentmindedly reminded him as you scoured your pantries for a wine glass. You had taken to drinking out of these instead of regular cups to at least maintain a semblance of your old self. 

Izuku’s eyes widened at the sight of your collection of wines and alcohols in one of your cupboards. You smirked at him-- throwing him  look that said ‘you ain’t seen nothin yet’ as you opened your freezer to reveal the insane hoard of alcohol you had stored.

His jaw practically dropped to the floor at the sight, “Holy woah, you have an entire liquor store in here!”

“Saving for a rainy day,” you almost immediately realized the error of your words as Izuku motions to one of the windows near you. The two of you sat in a beat of silence as the pitter-patter of rainfall splattered against the glass pane.

“It’s raining today,” he grinned excitedly. 

“No... I cant,” the way that the words fell out sounded about as convincing as a disguise with groucho glasses. You could really go for a drink right about now.

He looked to you a bit sadly, if not disappointed, “Y/N if this is about your diet… I am just saying, I don’t think one day will hurt too much.”

“No, I really shouldn't.” Understatement of the century. 

Izuku grabbed two glasses out of your cupboard with a soft smile gracing his features, “We’ll pour you just a little bit in case you change your mind—”

Maybe one glass wouldn't hurt... No. NO! God, you knew he meant well, but he is really fucking making this hard for you!! “I cant, I’m pregnant!!” you suddenly yelled. He immediately froze, 

“Wha...?”

“I’m pregnant...”

“Oh... Uhhh congratulations,” the most unconvincing thing to have ever come out of his mouth probably, “Who…”

“I don’t know,” the look of utter horror on his face had you instantly backtracking your answer, “Well—let me rephrase that. I do know who it is, but I don’t know his name. It was a umm.. ‘Wam. Bam. Thank you ma’am’ type deal.” Your face began burning as hot blood rushed into your cheeks. You literally couldn't have phrased that worse if you tried. What the hell was wrong with you? 

“You don’t look pregnant...” the horror on his face now registered into your mind as pure shock. 

“I sure as hell would hope not. I am like a month-ish along—I think.”

“You haven’t been to the doctor?”

“Uhh no...” He was right, you didn't even look pregnant. There was no way in hell that you needed to go to the doctor yet. Right?

“W-wait! Y/N the night we met! You were drinking alcohol!”

“So? I am probably only like a few weeks pregnant and I drank like two glasses. I am sure it didn’t do anything…?”

“Are you really sure? How can you know!? You have to go see a doctor!” he looked terrified. It was as if he suddenly was the embodiment every stressed emotion that you had been shoving away from you these past few weeks and the sight scared you. 

“You’re freaking me out, Deku.”

He instantly froze, “S-sorry,” he looked down to his shoes. Maybe you just might let him pour those drinks after all. He looked like he could use both of them right about now...

The next week dragged on for what felt like eons, as Izuku seemed to cautiously dance around the topic of your “preexisting condition.” It was quite obvious that every time the topic came up, a cloud of discomfort would come and sit on his shoulders; however, the man still made it a point to urge the fact that you needed to set up a doctor’s appointment.

Eventually, you caved in and scheduled for one at a local clinic, but they couldn't get you in for a few weeks anyway-- the joint was at maximum capacity, you guessed?  Apparently, there were more pregnant bitches waddling around than you thought.

Still, Deku urged you to read up and research some things prior to your appointment so that you could ask the doctor any questions that might pop up. It seemed like he was almost way too into this-- taking notes in a composition notepad that he dubbed “Baby Notes Vol 1″ and even mentioning coming along with you to your clinic visit.

It made things extremely real. 

Your little safe space with Deku had effectively been conquered and subjugated by the little parasite that took residence in your body. You shook your shoulders with a sigh as you neared Deku’s door for the party. 

*KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK* 

When the door opened you couldn't help the way that your eyebrows flew up in surprise at the sight of a woman opening the door. Uhh... did you go to the wrong house?

The brown haired girl in front of you looked just as surprised as you-- if not even more so. 

Okay, you definitely went to the wrong house.

The sudden sound of Izuku’s voice coming deep from withing the apartment led you to breath easy. You deflated a little bit as you relaxed. You wouldn't have to make a mad dash in a lagged game of ‘ding dong ditch’ after all,  “Y/N L/N. Nice to meet you.”

A series of emotions flashed across her expression at your greeting: shocked, nervous, then... disappointed? “Y/N! I’ve heard... so so much about you!” the smile that stretched across her lips seemed almost painful, “I’m Ochako Uraraka! I... love your hair!” she threw out the last part like a rabbit would throw steak to wolves. 

“Thank’s...” you felt fucking awkward and she still hasn’t let you into the apartment, “I’ll make sure to thank the stylist and the bottle of dye she used.”

“That’s not your real hair color? It looks so healthy though!” she seemed heartbroken as she used a pitying tone and you could gauge that the pity was not for yourself. 

“Nah. My agency pretty much determines what hairstyles I wear...”  You made eye contact with Deku inside of the house as he made his way to the door... Thank god! you were saved from that terribly awkward interaction.

“Agency? Hero agency?”

“Modeling, actually. I’m not that badass,” you smirked before walking into the party.

Her figure deflated as if to say, ‘of fucking course’, “Oh. That’s cool!” You didn’t see much of Uraraka after that 

Meanwhile, Bakugou was just a tick away from being angry enough to kill. His roommates had all three convinced him to go to this get together over Deku’s house and they weren't even going to be there on time! 

He had honestly never been to a party with these losers without at least Shitty Hair being with him, so he wasn’t exactly sure how it would pan out and that really bothered him. He wasn’t exactly social at these events, but at least the three stooges kept him somewhat entertained (he would never admit this aloud).

What could those other losers possible do to entertain him?

“Whyyyyyyy?” he heard crying as he neared Deku’s home. His face scrunched in on itself even further than usual as he approached the whining noise. He scoffed at the inebriated mess in front of him,

“What the hell are you doing, round face?”

Uraraka, who was leaning against the edge of Izuku’s front patio looked up, causing Bakugou to deeply grimace at the germy snot that trailed down her red face, “Deku’s new girlfriend sure is cool. He deserves someone like her, right? She’s perfect!” Bakugou couldn't help the way that his face shriveled into itself in disgust. 

It wasn't too late. He could still turn around and go the fuck home and no one would even know he was here. Well, save for bubble cheeks here, but she probably wouldn't even remember to be honest. 

But as soon as Bakugou turned back around to make his escape Uraraka spoke up again, “She’s a model. They met at the Red Sneakers Event apparently,” Of course this piqued the man’s interest. There were only a few models branding the event and he just so happened to be searching for one of them. Uraraka continued with her drooling of words as Bakugou brushed past her and made his way into the house-- not bothering to knock,

“You know I am the one who gave him that idea in the first place? It’s kinda like. I set him up with his future wife!” she drunkenly cried to no one in particular as Bakugou stormed away.

He passed Iida on his way in, “Go get round face and shut her drunk ass up-- she’s outside,” he didn't bother on stopping to further explain before walking back to the commotion of the party.

 As soon as he entered the packed room, his eyes landed on you. It was like the Red Sneakers Event all over again. You were simply glowing-- hard to miss-- especially with the crowd of his old classmates hovering around you like some damn flies on shit-- especially Deku. He was way too close to you-- the rat bastard. 

“Oooh! You’ve been to Milan! That’s so cool, girl! So you must get to sight-see like a lot!”

The way that your shoulders leaned and swayed as you talked sent flutters into Bakugou’s heart. Fucking gross. He watched you speak very intently-- searching for the magic you had used to bewitch him, “Actually I was working a lot when I was there, so I really only got to see the sets and runways,” you made fleeting eye contact with him from across the room, furrowing your eye brows a bit at his stare before breaking the gaze. 

“Do you get to keep the outfits after the shoots?!”

“Pfft. Hell no! This loser still hasn’t sent me a pair of his red shoes. What happened to helping the quirkless, huh, broccoli boi?” The most primal urge of jealousy that Bakugou had ever felt sprinted through his body as you leaned over to playfully tap that shitty Deku in the arm. The feeling was so intense that he hadn’t even registered what you had said fully. 

“You’re quirkless?” Racoon Eyes inquired, snapping Bakugou out of his feral trance. His face fell a bit as he dutifully awaited your answer. 

“Yeah. It’s whatever,” you shrugged.

“The competition must be so difficult!” Momo spoke up as she placed and apologetic hand to her chest. The gesture made you tense up a bit, but you reminded yourself that she probably didn't mean it in a belittling way as she continued,  “I’ve been to a few magazine shoots myself and it is always girls with flashy quirks who end up in front and center!”

“Well, I compete well, I guess,” you knew that hero hero modeling and your fashion modelling were two completely different worlds. Designers saw you guys mostly as clothing racks and mannequins for their clothes, so usually they wanted their models to be as mundane as possible-- not to distract from their fabric art. So basically the perfect job for someone like you, “it’s no big deal. I get by like everybody else.”

“You just live your life like normal!”

“Awhhhh. Y/N. You’re an inspiration!”

Suddenly you felt extremely tired. You couldn't find the energy within  yourself to filter out and soften your next response, “Glad I could inspire you just by breathing I guess.” you gave the girls a slight smile as you shrugged, but the undertone of your comment had not gone unnoticed-- especially by Bakugou who found himself stifling a proud smirk.

You once again made eye contact with him in this moment-- this time not daring to backtrack your gaze until he did-- a warning sign to back he hell off with that staring shit.

As the night progressed you found yourself becoming more and more tired. The debilitating sense of sudden fatigue actually felt like it had taken over even your bones at this point as the aching structures weighed heavily inside of you skin. You decided after about an hour that you were gonna make an early trip back home.

“What, why!?” Deku scanned your face nervously-- he thought you had been having fun!

“Just really damn tired suddenly.”

“Oh...” he trailed off, but suddenly realized the hidden context of your words. Baby Notes vol 1 page 4 section 3: ‘prenatal fatigue’, “Ohhhhh okay! Right! Well Let me call you a taxi or something.”

“Nahh, I’ll walk,” you waved him off as you made your journey toward small crowds of his friends-- waving them goodbye. Deku followed you in your path around his house, 

“W-what? You can’t be serious! You shouldn’t do that!”

You turned around and threw your hand on his shoulder, causing him to instantly freeze up, “I’ll be fine,” you smirked throwing your hand up to his cheek to gently pat his face. Of course, he was left a shivering, blushing mess. It was a low blow, but, hey, it gave you a good opportunity to escape. 

You felt a wave of relief as soon as you made it a few steps outside of the apartment. You released a heavy sigh as you continued walking away. 

Finally. You internally planned the rest of the night in your head: orange juice, Netflix and sleeeep. You could finally just let yourself relax and--

“HEY!” you jumped out of your skin a little at the sudden loud shout. You whipped around to see that blond spikey-haired dude from Deku’s house attempting to close in on you. 

You rolled your eyes as he neared. Hardly throwing him a glance as he approached you to walk a little behind you, “God. You’re the weirdo that was staring at me all night,” you groaned, hoping he would catch your drift. 

“We need to talk!” 

One of you eyebrows instantly quirked up as your lips curled into a look of disgust. You whipped back around towards him, “Look, I am actually tired as hell, so excuse me for my bluntness, but FUCK OFF!” You only caught a glimpse of his flabbergasted expression before you spun back around to storm down the stairs entering the subway. 

“You really don’t know me?” he sounded pissed. 

That’s when it hit you. 

“Oh! it’s you!” you snapped your fingers at the sudden realization, 

“You’re Kacchan!” the look of disgust that hardened on his face intensified by ten fold when he heard you use that nickname. You continued regardless as you neared the train platform, “The asshole bully who likes to pick on quirkless kids. Yeah, well, I don’t give a damn how great you think you are, buddy. You can really fuck off now!” you spun once more to ditch him; however this time around your ankle twisted from underneath you, causing your body to fall down toward the ledge of the platform where underneath the tracks resided.

Bakugou cried out something like ‘you idiot!’ before grabbing you by the waist and yanking you into him before you could completely fall down the ledge. Everything happened so quickly that you hadn't even realized that you were holding your breath until you gasped heavily into his chest.

With a shocked expression you trailed up his neck to his face until you were met with his vermilion eyes, “Shit…” suddenly a wave of familiarity crashed into you. you breathed deeply, “I-It’s you...”

[haro-whumps]

Group Whumpees 14: Headway

CW: slavery, multiple whumpees, aftermath of abuse, property destruction, migraine, actually a pretty fluffy chapter all things considered

Tag List: @bleeding-demon-teeth​ @theycomeinthrees​‌  @redwingedwhump​ @whimperwoods​ @inpainandsuffering​ @whole-and-apart-and-between​ @whump-whump-whump-it-up​ @whumpingupastorm​ @newandfiguringitout​ @lonesome--hunter​ @looptheloup​ @icannotweave​  @deluxewhump​ @whumping-every-day​ @yeet-me-out-a-window​ @what-a-whumpy-world​ @burtlederp​ @swordkallya​ @finder-of-rings​ @fairybean101​ @adventuresofacreesty​ @arlennil​ @thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight​ @lumpofwhump​ @thatsthewhump​ @pinkdiamondprince​ @shameless-whumper​  @whump-only​  @kiretto-laorentze​ @eatyourdamnpears​ @whumpzone​ @bluebadgerwhump​  @fanastywhump @jo-castle @muffindaddy @whumpsy-daisies

Please let me know if you were not alerted or if you asked to be added to the tag list and I missed you, tumblr’s been messing up badly lately.

Masterlist

Nyla was… conflicted. 

But it didn’t do her any good to be conflicted, so she put on her smile, fastened her shoes, and got to work. 

Master had been very generous the day before, giving them a truly absurd amount of time to just sit and relax--threat of ghosts notwithstanding. But now it was time for her to resume her routine, as much of it as she still had.

And, since they’d been preoccupied with ghosts, or non-ghosts, or whatever it was Greyson had seen and Master Galo had dealt with, that meant Master Galo’s “crash course on queerness” needed to happen this afternoon. Which, hm, well, it was rather unreasonable to be nervous about it, right? Master was kind, and the last gathering had been a net positive. Maybe it was just because it was something to look forward to, and Nyla was nervous about things to look forward to.

Also there was that dumpster out front and Nyla wasn’t sure what it was for (perhaps another volley with the art pieces?), but she would deal with that when Master ordered her to.

She was passing by the front door when it opened and her heart leapt into her throat. She whirled, stepping back, but a familiarly massive outline stepped in and she relaxed, smile turning a little less forced.

“Welcome home, Master,” she greeted, kneeling as she took his extended hand and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. He was damp with sweat and smelled like cut grass and warm air. “Did you enjoy your volunteer service?”

“Yeah; it’s gorgeous out. Partly cloudy and kinda hot, perfect early summer day.” Master Galo pushed his wet hair away from his face, Nyla watching the way his arms flexed and moved and observing her own lack of fear response.

Don’t think about it.

“I’m starving though; any idea when lunch is?”

“Apologies, Master, but it won’t be ready for another half-hour yet,” Nyla said, knowing Sasha had only just gotten it in the oven. Her smile tugged at the corners of her eyes, face tight.

“Sweet! Enough time for a shower then,” Master Galo said with a bright smile, loosening some of Nyla’s nerves.

Nyla gave a short bow, hands clasped in the folds of her apron skirt, and took a deep breath as she rose back up, watching Master Galo’s back as he climbed the steps two at a time. Alright then. (He really did have a nice back) Alright then.

Do your job, Nyla, focus.

It’d be easier if she had anything to focus on. She almost wished Master Galo would host something, bring over guests or Guests of his own. Something Nyla could be active for, something that would require planning and management and preparation. 

But it wasn’t her place. Master Galo would do as Master Galo pleased and she would facilitate where she could and be good and patient and pleasant and useless if Master wanted her to be because it was fine, it was fine.

“You were right,” Nyla said, voice quiet and weirdly flat for her. Evan looked up at her inquisitively, a winter boot balanced on his good thigh and a polishing rag in hand. “We’re entirely out of things to do.”

Evan snorted. “Told you.” He waved the boot good-naturedly, though smug as a cat,” I mean, c’mon Nyla, it’s barely even summer.”

“I’m bored--I’m, stir-crazy,” she whispered, ridiculously daring but if she didn’t complain to somebody she was probably going to explode. 

“I think Greyson is the only one who isn’t--or, well, I mean, there was that whole thing yesterday…” Evan trailed off, and Nyla chanced a small, barely-audible groan. 

“What am I supposed to do?” she lamented, and Evan carefully scooted himself sideways, making room for her on the boot bench. 

“Come sit and be bored with me. I’m always down to complain about things, and hearing you go at it is pretty new.” He patted next to him, and Nyla glowered at the clean, unassuming wood before plopping down next to him. She huffed, lifting up the hem of her dress and pulling a loose threat taut so she could snap it.

“I just wish he would give us tasks. I wish we’d had the… talk, this morning.”

“Yeah.” Evan handed her the matching boot to his own and she diligently started polishing, feeling instant relief at having something to do with her hands. “Waiting for it… sucks.”

Nyla felt a strange little curl of emotion in her and nudged him with her elbow. “Well, you would know better than I.”

“Hey!” Evan gasped, looking at her in honest shock before laughing, open mouthed and still surprised, and Nyla smiled. “So now little miss perfect is going to scorekeep?”

“Little Miss Perfect, I like the sound of that.”

“We should bore you shitless more often,” Evan said, leaning forward with playful curiosity dancing across his features.

“Don’t get used to this,” Nyla said, turning up her nose and deliberately sitting with pristine posture. “I’m just having a psychotic break real quick and then I’ll be back to normal.”

Evan laughed, and she smiled, a pang of pain shooting behind her eyes as she did but she was having a nice time, so she smothered any wince before she made it. “Well I better take advantage of it while I can, then.”

The sound of the water shutting off had both their heads snapping upwards, despite the fact that neither of them could see through the ceiling, and Nyla’s perfect smile was back in place, tension in her temples. “...It seems you may have to wait,” Nyla stated, setting down the boot and brushing out her apron, gathering herself. She quickly finger combed her hair, smoothed down her apron once again, and Evan caught her around the wrist.

“You okay?” he asked. Ah, she’d fiddled too much.

“Just nervous, I suppose. Nothing that won’t be resolved after lunch.”

Evan nodded slowly, letting her go, and she changed her perfect slave smile to her “don’t worry the family, I’m fine” smile. Like usual, he seemed to buy it, and Nyla slipped her perfect smile back in place with a whirl of skirts and went to serve Master Galo lunch.

He’d demanded that Grey ‘take it easy’ yet again, and Nyla decided, rather selfishly, that that meant she would take his duties as butler from him that day. But then, was it truly selfish, when Sasha would just as likely faint if she was asked to, and Evan couldn’t walk on that leg of his? Lilah was able to do it, sure, but old habits die hard and Nyla couldn’t help but want to keep their littlest as far away from their owner as often as possible. Even though this one was kind.

Then the five of them were crowded together on a couch, Master Galo standing with his laptop hooked up to the TV in front of them. Nyla subtly covered Sasha’s hand with her own, where it gripped her sleeve, and Lilah leaned against Greyson with her legs hooked over Evan’s good one.

“Alright, so, queer shit 101,” Master Galo said with a bright smile to the group, hands propped on his hips. “I am going to attempt to keep things basic while still covering the bases, but please ask questions if you have them. In the great words of someone older than me, I don’t know what you don’t know. And I also don’t know what misconceptions you might have, though given Auntie Bethany, I can make some more or less solid guesses. So, without further ado.” 

Master Galo hit a key on his keyboard and the slide changed, “Queer! Our first term, the word used for the entire community of people who are neither cis nor straight. In recent years people who wish to gatekeep, meaning to exclude people from our community, have voiced backlash against the word ‘queer’ as being ‘too-inclusive’ and have recruited well-intentioned but ultimately inexperienced youths to cycle their rhetoric. That is bullshit. Queer is our word, it is a good word, just because ignorant and hateful people are bigoted against us does not mean it isn’t our word, and it’s an all-inclusive label for anyone and everyone who finds their home among us.”

Lilah tentatively leaned forward, hand extended, and Master Galo pointed to her with arched eyebrows. It wasn’t as threatening as Nyla might have once considered it. “What’s ‘cis,’ sir?”

“That is on my next slide, I promise. For right this current moment, just know that queer is the big main umbrella word for everyone. It covers all the bases, all your base are belong to us.” Lilah nodded as Master Galo chuckled at his own joke. Nyla didn’t get the reference, but she recognized that he’d made one. 

“Cool, so, you will see many squares with lots of stripes throughout this presentation. You don’t have to memorize anything, I just think they spruce up the slides, but for reference this one is the queer flag. You may or may not be familiar with the rainbow flag, that one’s a little different, we’ll get to that.”

Master Galo flipped slides. “Transgender!” he announced happily, a blue, pink, and white flag on the TV behind him. “You have seen this flag on various articles of clothing and buttons I own. And stickers. In general I have this flag around a lot, but! That is because, I am trans. You know this,” he said, making a broad gesture towards their group. 

“The word ‘transgender’ effectively means ‘anyone who isn’t cis,’ and yes I will explain. So! Say there is a little baby, and the midwife or doctor lifts the little newborn body up to examine, and says ‘she’s a girl!’ Now, say, years down the road, that person thinks of herself and says ‘yeah sure I’m a girl.’ That is what’s called ‘cisgender,’ when the gender you were assigned at birth matches up with your own sense of self. Now, say that same baby grows up, but says ‘actually, I’m not a girl.’ That would make that person transgender.

“I am what’s called ‘binary trans;’ I was assigned female at birth, grew up, discovered I was actually a dude, and here we are. Thus, I am called a transman. The same thing happens for transwomen, but in the opposite direction. Transmen are men, transwomen are women, but some people are neither a guy or a girl. They are what is called,” Master Galo switched the slide.

“Nonbinary!” Nyla squinted, tentatively raising her hand, which Evan and Lilah were also doing. “Okay wow, lots of questions, Nyla?”

“I… apologize, sir, but I’m not sure I understand. They’re not a man or a woman?”

“Correct.”

Nyla shared a quick, anxious glance with the rest of her family.

“Okay, don’t worry,” Master Galo said, holding up his hands with a small chuckle, “I will explain. First, Evan and Lilah, was that your question too? Yeah, figured as much, okay. So, I have found the easiest way to visualize nonbinary genders is like this: Say men are blue, and women are red. Or pink, but that’s just a light shade of red, so, anyway, color theory is not today’s presentation. Back on track! If you’re imagining gender like a color wheel, that means some people are gonna be purple, right?”

Nyla nodded slowly. Okay, that made sense. A combination of traits both male and female. 

“But, on that same vein, not all other colors are purple. Sometimes colors are green, or yellow, or orange. Men and women do make up the majority of the human population, but not all of it. There’s lot of ways to have a gender, and none of them are wrong.” Lilah raised her hand again and Master Galo pointed.

“How does that--I mean, if you have a vagina or a penis, shouldn’t that be, I mean, hard? To…”

“Okay, okay, good point. Very good point Lilah, I jumped the gun a little. Backing up a bit!”

Master Galo clapped his hands lightly, no force or noise to the motion, and Nyla had the brief thought that the gesture made him look somewhat teacherly. Which made sense, given… everything happening, but there was something distinctive and pleasant about that thought. Hm.

She wasn’t gonna worry about that. Focus.

“So, biological sex and a person’s gender are two seperate things. Often, they go hand in hand. That’s where cis people come from. However, while biological sex is, y’know, biological, gender is a social construct. Which means, it has more to do with perception and sense of self, and nothing to do with your actual physical body. So, since this is the 100 level course, I could frame it as, gender’s in your head and sex is in your genitals, make sense?”

Another round of slow, wary nods. 

“It’s technically a little more complicated than that, but we’re not gonna get into that today.”

Evan raised his hand again, and Master Galo pointed at him with a smile.

“So… Sir, do you, have a dick?”

Master Galo’s lips instantly folded in and he raised a hand to cover his mouth, his shoulders shaking a little, and Nyla felt a spike of anxiety, crown of her head feeling taut. But it was laughter, a wheezing chuckle escaping her master when he said, “Uhm.”

He took a deep breath, “So, no. I do not. I don’t really want or need bottom surgery and am comfortable with my genitals the way they are. Bottom surgery is not a necessary component of transitioning, and some people, like myself, don’t have it done. However,” Master Galo continued with a rush of air, “it is generally considered extremely rude to ask a trans person about their genital structure unless you have the explicit intention of sleeping with them. I am aware you meant nothing by it!” Master Galo rushed, hands held up as Evan began to flounder. “You weren’t intentionally being rude, it’s chill. Just, for future reference, if you ever meet another trans person, that’s on the list of questions you don’t ask.”

Master Galo cleared his throat, looking a little red, but in good humor about it. He turned back to his screen with a, “Now, Lilah, you bring up an interesting point.” Master Galo flipped forward a few slides, to a screen with a yellow square that had a purple circle in the middle of it.

“Intersex! Sex, like gender, is not actually straightforward. There are many ways to be intersex, ranging from genital structure to chromosomes to secondary sex characteristics. But ultimately sex, like gender, is on a spectrum. Just because the majority of people fall easily into little categories of, urg, ‘biologically male’ or ‘biologically female,’ which for the record are not phrases you should… use, but since this is an intro to queer shit I’m making this as understandable as I can. Anyway.” Master Galo seemed to gather his thoughts. “Right! People fall into one category or the other most of the time, but not all of the time! And the ‘not all of the time’ people are intersex. Some intersex people do not feel that their biology automatically makes them queer, and do not percieve themselves to be part of the queer community. Others take comfort and community among us, so it’s always up to the person.

“Anyway, flipping back a few slides, nonbinary! This is the umbrella term for everyone who does not fall completely into ‘100% a man’ or ‘100% a woman.’ There are many ways to be nonbinary, but for the record, many nonbinary people prefer to be referred to with they/them pronouns. Not all! But, like how men use he/him, or women use she/her, many nonbinary people are referred to with a singular ‘they.’ I am aware my aunt may have had grammar-based arguments complaining about nonbinary people and gender neutral language, but I promise the singular ‘they’ predates my aunt by multiple centuries.

“Genderqueer,” Master Galo said with another slide, “This one goes hand in hand with nonbinary. Effectively, it means ‘neither fully masculine nor fully feminine,’ and is, as the word ‘queer’ might suggest, an inclusive, broad term for people who don’t have a particularly hard line definition for their gender.

“Genderfluid, meaning that a person will shift between genders depending on the day. So like, some days this person would wake up and say ‘I’m a girl today,’ and other days ‘I’m a boy,’ and maybe some days they wouldn’t feel like either of those at all. Again, this varies from person to person, but the general idea is that they flow between genders.

“Agender, meaning they have no gender at all.”

Again, Nyla, Lilah, and Evan’s hands rose. Nyla was surprised to see that even Greyson’s hand lifted, if only a little, on that. Master Galo smiled with a huff, but Nyla didn’t feel threatened. “Let’s go with Greyson, yeah?”

“How would someone simply not have a gender, sir?”

“So, if we’re imagining genders as like a color wheel, agender would be like, white, blank. No color. No gender. People ask them ‘are you a guy or a girl’ and their answer is a flat out ‘no.’”

Nyla was struggling with that. Nyla was struggling with that one pretty hard. Her brain felt tight. She got the concept, but…

“Master?”

“Yes Nyla?”

“Would it be alright if we understood in theory but not in practice?”

“Yeah, this can be hard for people to wrap their heads around, mostly I just want to introduce you to the concepts. That’s perfectly reasonable Nyla.”

Nyla dipped her head in thanks, her family nodding as well. Master Galo flipped the slide.

“Neutrois. Hand in hand with agender, if we’re using the color thing then, like. If agender is white, then neutrois would be black. People who are neutrois might describe their gender as ‘null’ or ‘void’ and other descriptors of the like. Again, I just want to introduce you to the concept, you don’t need to be able to conceptualize it perfectly.

“Okay last one under the trans umbrella,” Master Galo said, “Bigender. Someone who is multiple genders simultaneously. So, for simplicity’s sake, you could say someone who is both a man and a woman at the same time.” Master Galo smiled at them. “There are many other genders people have, but again with this being the introductory course, I just wanted to hit the big ones. Any gender questions?”

Nyla tentatively raised her hand. Master Galo smiled at her, and his expression took the edge off her anxiety.

“So, we know you, had surgery on your chest, sir,” Nyla said, hoping she wasn’t being rude by bringing it up, “do nonbinary people also engage in,” she floundered, not sure what the word for it was, but she wasn’t going to ‘um’ or stutter (even if he’d said it was okay, she could do better, and she would). 

“Some do,” Master Galo mercifully cut her off. “Some people are fine looking the way they do, or use cosmetics to accentuate certain features, and some receive surgeries. It all depends on personal comfort. And also sometimes to alter others’ perceptions, I knew someone who had no real issue with their chest but other people would assume they were a girl because of it and surgery was affirming and helpful with other people’s way of viewing them, which in turn lowered their discomfort.”

“And, sir?” Master nodded. “If a person’s name is, very feminine or masculine?”

“Most of us change our names!” he said brightly, “Like how I picked Galo for myself. Many nonbinary people will also change their names to something a little more ‘neutral.’ Again, not all though.”

Evan raised his hand that time. “You picked your own name, sir?”

“Yup! When I started to transition I changed my name. I should show you all the movie it came from sometime; it’s real fun you might enjoy it.”

“Sir?”

“Yeah, bud?”

“What was your name before Galo, sir?” Evan asked. Master Galo made an unidentifiable noise, but Nyla didn’t think that it was good. Her spine lengthened and her hand left Sasha’s on her arm to clench neatly in her lap.

“Sooo, you don’t get to know that,” Master Galo said, ducking his head with a slow gesture of his open palm towards Evan. “The name I had before Galo is what is called a ‘deadname,’ the name a trans person was assigned at birth that has since been put to rest. Again, I know you are being curious and I would definitely like to encourage you to continue asking questions, but, that’s another one of those questions you should not ask anyone who is not me. Asking for someone’s deadname is considered rude, and referring to someone by their deadname is extremely rude and actively malicious.”

“Sir, I wasn’t--”

“Easy, Evan, I know,” Master Galo said with a patient smile. “It’s good that you ask me these questions, and not someone else, because you’re learning, and I know you don’t mean any harm. But, in sum, the name I had before is not relevant, and it is not something to be shared. Any other questions at the moment? We’ve had good ones.”

A brief bout of silence, and Master Galo flipped the screen to the only flag Nyla did recognize.

“Onto sexual orientations! Sexualities, they’re called. You will probably recognize the gay flag, this is another one of those umbrella terms meaning ‘anyone who isn’t straight’ while also having the capacity to mean ‘someone who is exclusively attracted to their own gender.’ It is a term meant for everyone in the community, much the same way queer is. Yes, Evan?”

“Are you gay?”

“No, actually, I’m pretty much straight. I’m aware that men can be attractive but don’t really feel attraction to them.” Master Galo cocked his head. “You worded that kind of intensely there, you alright buddy?”

Evan was already stiff, and Nyla recognized the way his mouth twitched when he was biting down a snarl. “I’m fine.”

The lack of an honorific made the family tense, eyes on Evan because he was, like a moth to flame, doing something stupid again, but Master Galo either ignored it or didn’t notice. 

“Cool. So, along with ‘queer community’ and ‘gay community,’ you may or may not have heard the phrase ‘LGBT.’ This stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender, and is sort of the most widely-in-use acronym for the queer community.

“Lesbians! What would the world do without them,” Master Galo said, flipping to a slide with lots of pinks and oranges. “Nowadays, lesbian is the word for women who are exclusively interested in other women, but historically it was used to describe any queer woman at all, back before bisexual really entered into people’s vocabularies. For the record: nonbinary people can be and often are lesbians. Anyone who has literally any ties to femininity and is attracted, more or less exclusively, to women and people with ties to femininity, counts as a lesbian. 

“Bisexual! People who are attracted to 1. their own gender and 2. other genders. Sometimes it’s phrased as ‘attraction to men and women,’ which, for the record, is a fine way for you to conceptualize it here in the introductory course, but I want to be clear that bisexuality does and always has included nonbinary peeps.” Master Galo smiled. “Bixesual is a perfectly good and normal thing to be; there’s nothing wrong with it,” he said, and if Nyla had to guess she’d say he was deliberately not looking directly at any of them in particular.

“Pansexual! Hand in hand with bisexuality, pansexual people are attracted to others regardless of their gender. It can be difficult to distinguish between the two, but for some people the differences between sexualities are important. For some people, not so much, and they identify as bi and pan simultaneously. Again, we fall back on the ‘it all depends on the person’ idea. I will state that pansexuals are not attracted to everyone, they’re just attracted to every gender. Just because someone is of a certain gender doesn’t mean others won’t still find them ugly.

“Asexual! The umbrella term for people who don’t really feel attraction to other people, no matter the gender. We love respect cherish and support asexual people,” Master Galo said, oddly firm on that one. Lilah raised her hand.

“So, they just, don’t? Anybody? Sir?”

“Yeah, so, like, a straight man would only feel attraction towards women, and no attraction to men. A gay man would feel attraction to men, and no attraction to women. A bisexual man would feel attraction to men and women. And an asexual man would not feel attraction to either.”

Lilah nodded. “Okay, thank you sir.”

“However, ace--asexual--is an umbrella term. There are multiple ways to be asexual.”

Nyla frowned minutely, but then her smile was back in place. She wasn’t really sure how there could be multiple ways to not feel attraction to someone.

“There’s the spectrum of sex-positive, sex-neutral, and sex-repulsed asexuals. Sex-positive asexuals enjoy sex, the action, they just don’t think anybody’s hot. The activity is fun, but no one they look at hits that ‘oh hot I wanna have sex with them’ vibe. Sex-neutral asexuals don’t find anyone attractive, and don’t have any particularly strong feelings towards sex. It’s on par to like, going for a jog or having dinner together. Sort of a bland ‘whatever’ feeling. Sex-repulsed asexuals don’t find anyone attractive and do not, under any circumstances, want to have sex with anyone, ever. All of these are good and well! There’s no ‘wrong’ way to be asexual.”

“Next up we have grey-ace. 99% of the time, they don’t find anyone attractive, but every once in a blue moon they’ll see a person and go ‘oh hot.’ They are still asexual, they just have occassional feelings of attraction to seemingly random people. Or maybe they have a highly specific type! Again, depends on the person.”

“Last up for the ace umbrella, demisexual. Demisexual people are capable of feeling physical attraction, but only after a strong, meaningful, romantic bond has been formed. This is different than waiting in a relationship until you’re close. The person does not feel attraction, at all, until a committed bond has been formed.” Master Galo paused, letting them turn that over in their heads, but when no one asked any questions he flipped the slide once more.

“And wrapping up our crash-course on queer terminology, aromantic. Aromantic is similar to asexuality in all aspects, except that instead of talking about physical attraction, it’s about romance. Some people just do not feel the inclination to form romantic bonds with others. They still might, depending on the person, just like an asexual person still might engage in sexual activity, but the attraction isn’t there. They don’t see people and go ‘I’d like to see if this could work out as a romantic relationship’ they’re just in it for friends. Grey-romantic and demiromantic people are, again, much the same, but with romance, feeling that 99% or only gaining the capacity for a romantic relationship after a strong, meaningful, committed bond of friendship has been formed.”

Master Galo took a big breath. “Any questions?” he asked with a proud smile. 

Nyla honestly felt like she had too much information rattling around in her brain to even begin formulating a question, but Evan raised his hand.

“I don’t mean to be rude, sir,” Evan said, sounding like he was struggling not to grit his teeth.

“I know. Go ahead.”

“So, since you’re a transman, and you’re straight, then you’re only attracted to women..?”

“Yep!”

“And then, if a woman is attracted to you..?” Evan trailed off.

“That would still be considered ‘straight’ attraction, yep. The woman in question might be straight, or bi, or pan, or maybe ace! It’s all up to her. But her attraction to me would be ‘opposite-sex attraction’ yeah.”

“Was that rude sir?”

“No, no, you’re good, bud. And now you know!”

“Thank you sir.”

“Of course! I’m glad you’re asking questions. Anyone else?”

Another beat of silence.

“Alright, cool, good talk team. To wrap it all up, there are all sorts of ways people can experience gender and attraction, and none of them are wrong. Everything I talked about today is good, natural, and worthy of respect. Go ahead and let me know if you ever have questions in the future, I’m perfectly willing to talk about it.”

He took in a deep breath.

“The queer community has long faced oppression on a global scale. However, many cultures saw queerness as natural and didn’t much question it until, ah, interlopers became involved, and rerouted the course of history. But regardless of acceptance or ostricization, all cultures have their own queer histories, their own words and perceptions. 

“In recent years, and I mean really recent, queer people have started making great strides in changing legislation and public opinion of us towards the positive, though we still face a number of obstacles. You have probably noted that I am not fond of police. This is in no small part due to the fact that I am transgender. And then of course people like my aunt and various religious institutions will also condemn myself and my peers, due to malicious misconceptions or just straight up bigotry. 

“So I understand why you all may… struggle, with this information, for a bit. But I assure you, nothing is as bad as my aunt made it out to be, and if you ever want to know more I’m happy to talk with you about it.” Master Galo beamed and propped his hands on his hips. “Which about wraps this up.”

The doorbell rang. Everyone, including Master Galo, tensed.

“I think I’ll answer that,” he said. “Uh, dismissed? No, wait, wait here, we’ve got a group project I wanna work on this afternoon.”

Nyla was not in a habit of thanking god for much of anything, but she thanked god for that. Finally, a task.

Master Galo made a pleased noise and a bit of chatter Nyla could identify as friendly, there was the sound of something heavy hitting the floor, then the door swinging closed.

She was on her feet and smiling when he returned, leaning his big arm on the doorway and looking happy. “Sweet, so, the stuff we ordered has started to arrive, which leads me to another thing I wanted to talk about!”

Master Galo rounded back in front of the couch where he’d been, clapping his hands together and smiling. Nyla tentatively sat back down. ‘So! I would first like to establish that I am not suggesting you break up your current sleeping arrangement. However, you’re not gonna be able to fit all the stuff you collectively ordered into that one room without it turning into a nightmare, so I’ve thought about it and it’s my idea that you all should have rooms that are your own space. Not to sleep in, obviously, just rooms that you can use to store your stuff and you can decorate them to your own interests and you’ll have a private area you can go to if you need alone time. Sound good?” Master Galo asked, looking to Nyla, to Lilah, scanning over the group.

“You are quite generous, Master,” Nyla said, but no, no, that wasn’t quite right, for him. “Thank you,” she tried again, simpler, far too rude for Mistress, but for Master…

He smiled at her, pat her on the head far too briefly, and said, “You’re welcome. Let’s go check out what arrived, yeah?”

All of Nyla’s dresses, the skirts and top Sasha had ordered from that company, and a couple of Lilah’s things were in the first two boxes, and Evan’s t-shirts and jeans were in the third. “Sorry Greyson, looks like your stuff isn’t here yet.”

Greyson nodded, outwardly impassive, and given that it had barely been his idea to order anything at all that made sense. Nyla and the others followed Master Galo to the basement, their Master helping Evan down and hastening the process, and showed them the rooms he’d selected for them. Nyla hesitantly stepped into “hers.” 

It felt wrong. She’d cleaned and examined this room countless times before, but now, standing inside it felt incorrect. 

The bed had been folded up into a couch, which was standard for the beds housed in the series of apartments in the basement. The sitting area and kitchenette that existed in the middle of these rooms were indicative that these were for long-term guests, not, not slaves. The closet, filled with more hangars than she remembered, the dresser, the small desk, they were for people, not Nyla. 

Except, apparently, they were for Nyla now. 

“Oh, shoot, that lock is totally broken,” Master Galo’s voice came from elsewhere in the apartments, “Here, go for this room, then, sorry I totally hadn’t noticed that earlier.”

A broken lock? It was something Nyla had failed to notice, too. Her heart rate accelerated and her head felt tight; Mistress would cane her for missing something so obvious, but she deliberately swallowed and took a deep breath. Master Galo was not Mistress. She couldn’t keep expecting him to act like her.

He was so much kinder. Gentle, and careful, with a sweet voice and warm hands that only ever touched her--

Nyla yanked a hangar off the closet’s bar with far too much force, utterly graceless, and it caused all the other hangars to clatter together and make a right ruckus. Her heart picked back up again, because she was clumsy, noisy, a fumbling little blushing nuisance! She unfolded her first dress and willed herself to remember that making noise was okay, it was allowed now, she could make noise and still be perfect, no one was mad at her, no one was going to come hurt her.

And where was her smile!?

She really was falling to pieces, she thought to herself, pulling another hangar off the rod properly and fitting another dress onto it. Smiling. She was smiling, she was grateful for this unexpected and unasked for privilege (weren’t they supposed to ask for things? Why was this happening unprompted?!), she was graceful and perfect and, fine. She was fine. Her temples felt tight, but she was smiling and composed and fine.

It really was satisfying to see her dresses hung up all neatly, though. When her skirts and sweaters and undershirts arrived, she’d be able to finish filling the closet, and it would look so neat and it would be hers and it was selfish, to be so vain and materialistic, but maybe since Master Galo had ordered it, that meant it was okay?

She rubbed at her right eye and stroked her hand down the material of the first dress, admiring the ruffles around the neckline and the neat, black stripes of the sewn-in green vest. She would get to wear that. She would get to wear all of them, with their pretty patterns and their pleated skirts and their ruffles and lace and bows.

It felt far too pretty for the likes of her.

She wished she knew how to properly show her Master gratitude.

She wanted, she--wanted. She didn’t want to be caned or cut or bleed or cry, but she wanted to do something, something physical, something to show just how much she appreciated everything he was doing for them, to make him happy, like he’d made her happy.

But what did a slave have to give, except her body and her service? He’d already made it clear that he didn’t want either of those, aside from her now mind-numbing chores, and that was hardly something to make him happy. More of just an expected base behavior out of her, out of all of them.

She didn’t know his favorite foods; Greyson never reported any particular signs of delight no matter what Sasha tried, at least nothing that stood out from his regular compliments. She didn’t have any way to engage with his hobbies. She couldn’t kneel at his feet and beg him to hurt her with her lips on his shoe. His base state of friendly and cheery made it impossible to tell what he liked best. The only real, solid thing she knew he liked was when they asked him for things, and it was the receiving of things that Nyla wanted to express gratitude for!

It was the weirdest, strangest, most unfamiliar form of frustration she’d ever felt. Maybe--maybe it wouldn’t count as Attending him if she offered a massage? Greyson was better at it than her, and she hadn’t had much practice in the last decade and a half aside from occasionally working a knot out of Sasha’s shoulder or soothing the nerves out of Evan or Lilah. But she’d been trained properly, and she could quickly skim an internet article sometime to refresh herself.

Oh but if Master Galo figured out she was trying to Attend him, even just a little, he might get mad, and she wouldn’t be able to handle that. She would just have to be extra-perfect for him. Sit and not kneel, smile, be unobtrusive but able to fulfil his every whim or need, maybe ask him for things? But what else could she possibly want that he hadn’t already given her?

She brushed down her apron and left “her room,” walking primly to the family bedroom and pulling out all the clothes from her drawer, which were smaller in number now that her other dress had been sliced open. She went ahead and grabbed Evan’s clothes too, and Master Galo was in the sitting area in the middle of “their rooms” when she walked back. She nodded to him, and he smiled at her before tilting his head and gesturing at the clothes in her arms.

“What’s that?”

“My clothes, as well as Evan’s, sir, from the shared dresser.”

“Oh, good memory,” he praised before returning to his phone, and she couldn’t help but flush faintly under his casual approval. She went into “Evan’s room” and found him sitting on the couch, elbow on his good knee and hands pressed together in front of his face. He looked mad.

“Are you alright?” she asked quietly, so faint ideally their Master would be unable to hear. He looked up at her, dark eyes glinting with what she just knew meant trouble, and hauled himself up onto his crutches. He made as though to walk past her, and Nyla turned in confused alarm, which morphed into full alarm when he closed the door.

“Evan! Master Galo is--”

“Right there, yeah I know,” Evan said, voice mercifully quiet even though he flipped the lock. Nyla could scream if she wasn’t rooted to the spot in shock. Evan took the clothes that were his and gave her a brief “thanks” before he threw them on the floor.

“Evan,” Nyla hissed in bubbling horror, staring at the rumpled fabric. 

“Hey, it’s ‘my’ room, right?” Evan sneered as he sat back down with a heavy thump, wincing when he jostled his wound. “Which means I can make a mess of it if I want, right?!”

“Evan, these rooms are gifts--”

“That we didn’t fucking ask for. We’re supposed to ask, right?”

“He told us, it’s because we don’t have space in the main room for the things we did ask for!” Nyla hissed, “And keep your voice down!” She didn’t mention that she’d been having the same doubts. She was trembling, clutching her clothes to her chest. “I--I need to go. I need to finish putting my things away.”

She stepped away from him, needing to pause at the door to summon her smile, to suppress her wild shivers, to take a deep breath and gather herself, and when she flipped the lock she heard Evan call after her, “I’m sorry.”

She turned back again, carefully crafted smile slipping, and Evan had his face in his hand, the other clutching the edge of the cushion. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just--sorry. I’m sorry Nyla.” He ran his fingers back into his hair and gripped, hard, pulling at his roots. “I’m sorry.”

Her shoulders dropped, chest squeezing, and she swaned over to him, dropping to her knees in front of him. He startled, letting go of his hair, and she reached up her free hand to cup his face. He closed his eyes as she leaned up and kissed his cheek, and nuzzled his face against hers as he pet a hand down her hair.

“Just try to work through whatever this is before you leave the room, okay?” she asked softly, trying to be gentle with him, to not get scared and frustrated like she normally felt when he got like this. Master Galo wouldn’t hurt him like Mistress did; she didn’t need to be scared, didn’t need to be frustrated with Evan because he had more time now. “Master Galo’s in the sitting area.”

“Yeah,” Evan answered her, finger combing his bangs to the side. “Yeah. Sorry. I will.”

She kissed his forehead as she stood, and was able to summon her smile much easier this time. She rubbed at her right eye, brushed down her skirt, and went back to “her room” to finish hanging up her clothes and arranging her underthings in the drawers. 

When she finished, she skimmed her fingers over the dustless wood of the dresser. “Her” dresser. Pink with floral designs, old fashioned and expensive, an ‘antique’ that was as good as new. It was… surreal. She left the room, crossed to her Master, and slipped to her knees, then rump, to sit next to his feet. Her hands folded neatly in her lap, and she blinked away the weird feeling in her eye.

“Thank you, Master,” she said again, wishing she could say it better, express it better.

“Yeah, you’re welcome,” he said gently, leaning forward in his seat and petting his fingers through her hair. She allowed herself to tilt her head, eyes slipping closed, and she savored the touch. His knee was right there, it would be all too easy for her to lean in and lay her head against it. But no, no, she was better than that. He hadn’t expressed a desire for her to submit to him in that way and she was going to be perfect for him.

“Master,” she started, reminding herself that he liked questions, that technically all times were good times and she couldn’t pester him with too many, “is there a way you would like to be thanked? I am grateful, and want to show it to you properly.”

“No, Nyla, you don’t need to,” he said gently, and he sounded almost sad. “Just saying ‘thank you’ is enough.”

She tried not to feel disappointed. At the very least, she wouldn’t show it. “As you like, sir.”

The others joined them, Sasha sitting as close to Nyla as she dared, Greyson kneeling at Master Galo’s other side, Lilah sitting on the couch in a way that made them all panic slightly but reaped no consequences. When Evan joined them, a noticeable stretch of time later, Master Galo made no comment on his late appearance, only smiled and put his phone away.

“Great, you’re all here. So, about the project I mentioned. You may have noticed the dumpster out front. I would like everyone to please work together and move all of my aunt’s canes, chains, whips, restraints, muzzles, cages, knives, and the like into the dumpster. Anything she used with the purpose of hurting or humiliating you, I would like to see go. I’ve got a power drill and I’m gonna work on her, uh, dungeon, and rip up those D rings in the den and music room, but just, like. Anything you can think of. Anything used with the purpose of you guys’ pain. Get rid of it, please.”

Someday, Nyla would stop being surprised by all of Master Galo’s many surprises.

Even so, an order was an order, and like many of Master Galo’s commands she found this one easy enough to obey. Nyla rose with all her grace, curtsied, and walked a direct path up two flights of stairs to the fireplace in Mistress’s boudoir.

Mistress had never used the fire pokers on Nyla. Lilah, sure, Evan, occasionally, but Nyla had kept herself perfect, too perfect to burn. But the fear, the ever present knowledge that she could burn, at any moment, at her Mistress’s slightest whim, the moment she stopped being flawlessly, untouchably perfect, had kept her tense as a coiled wire. She stopped by the main floor’s fireplace and grabbed those pokers too, one set in each fist, and all too gleefully hoisted them into the dumpster out front. 

She diligently visited every fireplace in the house, after that, removing everything that could and would have burned her, had she not kept herself perfectly poised on her self-made pedestal. Evan was in Mistress’s room, Lilah the den, Sasha the music room. Greyson, Nyla wasn’t sure where he’d gone, but wasn’t going to get bent out of shape over it. She rubbed her right eye, then temple, and returned to the basement.

Master Galo’s power drill was loud, making her wince and the space behind her eyes sting, but she entered the Punishment Room regardless. He’d collected a small pile near the door: the shackles he’d removed from their anchors in the wall, the thin mats Nyla was pretty sure were intended for yoga that had served as sleeping pallets to the two cells, the oil and wax sconces and dishes that had hung from the walls and ceiling. The wooden horse. All of the tools, the whips and floggers and knives. Nyla gathered up an armful, and Master Galo paused in his drilling to smile at her. 

“Hey, thanks.”

“Of course, Master. Do you require any other assistance?”

“No, I think I’m good. Dismantling my evil aunt’s evil shit is kinda cathartic, really.”

Nyla bowed, and trotted back up the steps with her load of chains and whips and manacles. It was satisfying to hear them clatter down into the dumpster. She felt weird. Good?? Strange.

“Oh, are you hauling stuff for Master Galo?” Evan asked. Nyla nodded with an affirming noise. “Great, so he’ll stay down there. Lilah, hand me that cane, Grey, don’t throw that in yet.”

Nyla looked and saw that Greyson had brought the dog cages up from the utility room. Greyson cocked his head at Evan, but set them down on the drive. Evan, crutch under one arm and heavy, metal cane in his dominant hand, proceeded to beat the shit out of the cages.

The family mostly just stood there, and watched, as he reduced the cages to little more than messy heaps of broken wire. He was panting, hard, by the end of it, and tossed the cane into the dumpster.

“Did you reopen your--” Lilah asked, cut off by Evan’s, “I’m fine.”

“Okay, it just looks like you might’ve ripped a stitch out, from all’a that.”

“Even if I did, I wouldn’t have done any differently,” Evan said, laughing a little and pulling Lilah in for a hug. “Fuck, that felt really good. You guys should try that.”

“I think th-that’s a y-you thing,” Sasha remarked, and Nyla chuckled. Then giggled. She rubbed at her eye, and headed back inside to grab another armload from the basement. She got the wooden horse up under her arm and shimmy-stepped her way up, the thing large and cumbersome but she couldn’t wait to get it out of the house. Greyson helped her lift it into the dumpster, and Nyla grabbed a third round.

It was on her way back down to grab a fourth armful that the pain struck her, right as her foot came down on the top step. She recognized it instantly for what it was. Ordinary pain was, in a rather hard to describe manner, very different from migraine pain. It was impossible to confuse the two.

A migraine. She was having a migraine. Oh of course, her head had felt tight all day! And her eye, that was her aura, oh, she was so stupid! How could she not have seen this coming?

Oh, god, the pain was settling in fast this time, too. It never set in all at once, but the speed was less gradual than usual, right then. She whimpered. The basement would be no good. Master Galo was using power tools down there, right across the hall from the family bedroom. Her normal migraine spot, under her nice, dark, quiet bed, wouldn’t work this time.

Think, she had a limited amount of time before the pain got bad. Where should she go? The butterfly room? That was nice and dark, no windows, but would it be quiet? She naturally gravitated towards the idea of a bathroom, where the tile would feel cool against her forehead and she could turn off the lights. Upstairs, probably, she went upstairs, hoping to escape the noise of things landing in the dumpster and her family moving and talking around her. Near the back of the house, not the front, not near the driveway. The bathroom off the lilac bedroom? She went straight for it, closing her right eye since she couldn’t really see all that well out of it.

God, it hurt so bad. She closed the door, plunging the bathroom into merciful blackness. It was quiet, just what she needed, her family and Master would be busy for a while yet, they wouldn’t need to come looking for her. She could just stay where she was, curled up against the bathroom floor, in the dark, in the silence.

God, god it hurt.

And she knew it was only going to get worse.

--

Galo had the bars unscrewed and the dungeon stripped down to nothing more than walls, the floor, and an archaic looking chandelier that he did not have the electrical expertise to deal with. He needed someone with, like, training to deal with that.

Nyla hadn’t come back for a while yet.

Which, okay, it was a big house and she probably had plenty of grudges to act out against inanimate objects, but it was weird that Nyla of all people would start helping haul away the stuff he piled up and then stop midway through. It wasn’t like her.

And when Galo’s brain told him to worry, he was starting to come to terms with the fact that it was usually right. Did it count as anxiety when it was true?

He hauled up a load after scanning the basement, and finding no one there. He got rid of the evil library books as he paced through the first floor, as well as the armchair from the den. He found Greyson and Evan, but no Nyla. Hrm. He asked if Greyson would please take care of the D rings in the den and Evan volunteered himself, which, whatever worked. Upstairs he ran into Sasha in the music room, and he pried up the D rings like he said he would since she didn’t exactly seem like the type for power tools, and was glad to hand the task over to Lilah when she gravitated towards him, leaving the drill in her capable hands.

But where was Nyla?

It was ridiculous to think that she’d been kidnapped by Barbra but Galo couldn’t help but jump to that conclusion. He stalked through the second floor, trying not to be visibly distressed lest he upset the other slaves, but running out of places to look. He opened the door of a guest bathroom, if only for the reason that it was closed, and his eyes widened with horror to see his girl lying in the fetal position on the floor.

“Nyla!” he shouted, rushing forward and dropping to his knees. She flinched, worse than he’d ever seen her jump, and curled in tighter, a muted scream passing her lips, and Galo’s panic bubbled over.

“Nyla, Nyla what’s wrong, what happened?!”

“Please!” she begged, sounding so small. “Please, please no, migraine, Master, please stop!”

Oh--oh. Oh, and his yelling would only have made it worse.

“Shit, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, guilt consuming him as he bent and caught sight of her silent tears. “What do you need, what helps?”

Galo didn’t know anything about migraines, other than “head hurt.” He knew they were awful, horrible things, and Nyla deserved to never ever have one. But he didn’t know--would medicine help? Was this one of those things that nothing helped, and she’d just have to wait it out? How long did they last? An hour? Should he touch her?

“Painkillers. Dark. Quiet. W--” she choked on a sob, high and pained and Galo’s heart broke into a thousand pieces. “Water, please, cold.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll go get painkillers and a glass of ice water? Do you--is the bathroom good? Is this a good place for you to be?”

“My bed,” she whined, hands over her eyes and body trembling faintly.

“Okay,” Galo said, mindful of each word, keeping his voice as quiet as possible. “Can--can you walk? Should I carry you? Should I touch you at all?”

“Just, don’t rattle me, please, don’t--hit my head, please, Master--”

“Never,” Galo breathed, and his heart broke all over again, to know that she still feared him so much, that Nyla had so little trust that she thought he would ever hurt her, much less when she was like this. “Never, Nyla, please, please believe that. I will never hit you.”

Nyla’s breath hitched, a little gaspy inhale, and then she slowly reached one hand out, and gripped Galo by the pant leg. Galo froze, standing on the edge of a brand new precipice, and tried to make his brain work, tried to think fast for once in his goddamn life, but his brain continued its sloth impression and he couldn’t process what this meant, though he felt its importance.

“Help me,” she begged, though it felt more like an admission than a plea. 

“Please, I don’t want the others to see me like this; I hate it when they see me like this,” she continued, and that felt closer to normal.

“Okay, okay, I can’t promise we’ll be able to avoid them but I’ll try my best. I’m going to pick you up now, alright?”

“Okay,” she whispered, barely moving her lips, but he understood why she wouldn’t want to nod her head, right then. Carefully, he gathered her up in his arms and stood. She curled in immediately, pressing her face into the crook of his neck, and he felt like he was holding the most breakable, easily-shattered entity in the universe. He felt a surge of protectiveness, a bone-deep need to take care of her, to make it better in any way he could. 

When they passed by the music room, its door open and Lilah inside with the drill, Nyla whimpered and pressed her hands hard against her ears. She wasn’t just pressing her face into his shoulder at that point, it was like she was actively trying to burrow into him, curled up so tight and stiff against him he felt she might shatter. He moved away from there as fast as he could, wanting to spare her everything he was able to. He tried to keep his gait smooth as he walked, slow on the stairs, and he actually did manage to avoid running into any of the others slaves.

He settled her down onto the cool sheets of her bed, wishing the slaves had softer pillows and wondering if he could get them any without them freaking out about it, and settled a palm between her shoulderblades.

“I’m gonna get that glass of water and those painkillers. Do you need anything else?”

“The blinds,” Nyla gasped softly, and Galo shut the blinds of the tiny skylight tightly, angled up so practically no light filtered in at all. He moved quickly, giving Greyson a probably-unconvincing smile as he passed him, but Nyla had asked that the others not know, so Galo wasn’t going to say anything. When he returned, he helped her sit up and handed her the medicine and the cup. The cool water seemed to help. 

Galo knelt by the bedside, elbows and forearms laid out in front of him on the mattress and his chin on the sheets. He stared worriedly at Nyla’s face, and wasn’t even thinking when he reached out and stroked a hand over her hair.

Realizing halfway through what he’d done, he snatched his hand back with a quietly hissed, “Shit, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to touch your head.”

“T--” Nyla swallowed, “Touch is fine, Master. Just, no… patting, or, percussion. Touch feels, good sir.”

“Yeah?” Galo whispered, no more than a breath. “Would you like me to stay with you?” he asked quietly, stroking a gentle palm down from the back of her head to mid-spine. 

“...Yes,” she admitted tremulously. “But--they last a while, Master.”

“Shhh,” Galo hushed, “I’ll stay. The others are busy and they’ll be fine, just focus on you for a little while, shh.”

Galo pet gently at Nyla’s hair, her shoulders, her back, needing to reposition a couple different times as certain parts of his body got tired or sore or lost blood flow. By the end of the first hour, Galo’s anxious concern had burned itself out, and the mild worry that remained was going to bat pretty hard with his boredom. By the end of the second hour, he’d fallen into a light doze and had been there for a while, his hand covering Nyla’s much smaller one, his thumb stroking very, very slowly over the skin on the back of her hand. He was fully asleep by hour three, Nyla’s fingers curled around his tighter than she’d ever dared before, so what a shame that he was asleep for it.

His impromptu nap came to an abrupt end when Nyla shifted, eyes flicking open but otherwise staying exactly where he was. Oh his neck was gonna have a SERIOUS crick in it.

“Nyla?” he asked softly, “Do you need anything?”

She shook her head slowly, and he perked up to see her voluntarily moving it. “It’s mostly gone now, Master.” She sat up very, very slowly, rubbing at her neck, and Galo mirrored her from his spot on the floor. 

“Okay, that’s good,” Galo said, still speaking quietly, “Is it like, a fade-out kind of thing?”

“Yes sir,” she said, slowly stretching out her legs and wincing a little.

“How’re you feeling?”

“Sore, sir. And hungry, and--exhausted.”

She sounded tired. Galo was pretty sure he’d never heard her sound quite this tired. Carefully, watching her face for any sign of a negative reaction, he reached up and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. 

“I’ll get you something to eat, yeah?” he offered softly. “You can stay here and rest.”

Nyla shook her head again. 

“I can get up, sir. I don’t want to trouble you and the others will have noticed our absence and I need to walk out the stiffness and eating here would get crumbs in the bed, Master.”

Well, Galo could only really argue with one of those, but doubted Nyla would buy that she wasn’t causing him any trouble anyway. He stood, his own body protesting the movement, and stretched his arms up high above his head.

“Thank you.”

Galo glanced down, letting his arms drop, and smiled kindly when Nyla didn’t continue.

“Of course, Nyla, I’m here for you if you ever need me.” Then, because Galo was allergic to Emotional Moments, “Sooo, are we telling your friends we got abducted by aliens for the last,” he glanced at the time, “three and a half hours, or?”

Nyla giggled weakly, which, ten points to Gryffindor!

“I don’t mind them knowing, sir. It’s just when I have the migraine that I…”

“Okay, that makes sense,” Galo said. Not wanting to be seen while vulnerable.

So what does that mean that she let me? he thought with a flip in his stomach, but pushed the thought from his head.

Sasha seemed anxious when they entered the kitchen, but interestingly enough that anxiety did not seem to spike when she caught sight of Galo. Though that might have been because she simultaneously caught sight of Nyla, who was, as near as Galo could tell, Sasha’s main comfort in life. Best friend? Were they best friends? They might be best friends.

Galo wished he knew more about the lives of the people he Literally Lived With. 

“Migraine,” Nyla said with a tight smile, by way of explanation, “Master Galo helped me.”

That did successfully key Sasha up, and Galo smiled, lips pressed thin. He should leave. His presence was an intrusion and would only make them feel like they couldn’t talk freely. 

“I’ll leave you to it, then?” Galo offered, moving away from Nyla and sliding his hands into his pockets. Open. Nonthreatening. He knew when he wasn’t wanted.

“You don’t have to, Master.” Or maybe he didn’t. “I’m sure you’re hungry too, sir.”

Nyla sounded uncharacteristically nervous, but that also made sense. She was vulnerable, at the moment, fresh off a migraine and not at her absolute best.

So why was she asking him to stay, then? He wished he knew what she was thinking.

“Yeah?” he asked, searching her face and then Sasha’s, who seemed more shocked than anything. “Okay, cool. We can eat together.”

It was stiff. 

Which, yeah, expected. Nyla apparently got peanut butter cravings post-migraine, which, huh! Who knew people got cravings after demon headaches, not Galo!

Sasha did not like that Galo was there. Galo did not fault her for that one bit. Nyla was coming down off a migraine and Galo was preventing Sasha from fussing over her, and Sasha really only seemed to know what to do about him in the mornings because they’d had their nice routine and Galo really didn’t hang out in the kitchen beyond that. He should, like, dedicate some time to Sasha. Lock himself in the bathroom and let her sniff him through the door, he thought with a private chuckle to himself.

He now understood why Lilah had asked for extra kitchen stools, since there was quite literally only the one. Galo had the closest thing to an argument that he’d had, with Nyla, firmly insisting that she be the one to seat herself, then awkwardly stooped over the counter with all his bulk and height.

“Ahaha,” Galo ‘laughed’ self-consciously with a rub to the back of his head. Maybe he should’a sat after all. “Sorry, don’t mean to loom imposingly. Really, I can just… head out.”

Sasha looked away, lips thin, but Nyla’s eyes remained on him. 

“You, are not all that imposing. Sir.”

Galo blinked, and was peripherally aware that Sasha was now also looking at Nyla like she’d spouted a second head. Nyla was flushed, and staring at Galo’s shoulder rather than his face, but swallowed and continued.

“When you first arrived, the size of you was frightening, sir,” she said, her voice quiet but Galo was far too enraptured to have missed even a single word. “But you kept Barbara from stealing me, and rescued Evan, and yesterday you gave Greyson both comfort and lenience.”

Nyla reached out her hand and placed it, very delicately, on top of Galo’s on the counter, Galo’s eyes tracking the movement in a fashion that might be described as gobsmacked.

“You have always been kind to us, Master. Stay.”

“Oh,” he said, as something important clicked in place.