#and then my mom my stepdad and i ate them

[selfaware-bungou-stray-dogs]

Hellooo!! Ik I just requested but I can't help it- I love ur fics Soo much!!

Can I request a teen!reader who is touch starved and their love language is physical touch? They are an absolute cuddle bug. Their parents (step dad+ bio mom) don't really give her much affections and reader is a quiet and shy kid so she doesn't ask for them either way. Though her quietness was the effect of their father dying when they were 6. Their father was the closest to them. If possible can I get this with Ranpo, Poe and Nikolai? And maybe some head cannons for the rest?

I want to say so much more but I don't wanna bother you😔

You don't bother me, so, don't worry.

And I am sorry l, that it takes so long for me to do your request.

Hugs for a good mood

Self-Aware! Platonic! Nikolai Gogol x Fem! Teen! Reader x Self-Aware! Platonic! Sigma

Self-Aware! Platonic! Ranpo Edogawa x Fem! Teen! Reader x Self-Aware! Platonic! Edgar Allan Poe

Description: Sometimes, all you need is a hug to make a good day into a perfect day.

Warning: OOC. English is my second language

__________

A large, colorful box with “Hugs for a good mood” written on it was finally ready.

Paint the TV box, decorate it, write the phrase... It took two hours, despite the fact that your dad helped you. Well, he did most of the work, while five-year-old you were coloring pictures you want to put on the box.

You wanted to climb into the box, but dad stopped you. His big hand ruffle your hair.

"You can't play with this right now. Wait for paint to dry, [Y/N]. Okay?"

You nodded and hugged his leg.

"Okay, dad."

He chuckled and picked you up, giving you a hug.

You giggled. Live was fun and full of hugs.

________

The next year he died. And shyness replaced your easygoing nature.

________

It's been few years since your dad died. You were a teen now and were going to school.

The school bell rang, you pick up your bag and books. The day was over.

You walked down school hall. You saw, how your classmates were leaving in groups, while talking. You were alone. Too shy to make friends, you were on your own.

You bit your lip and walked faster. You just want to go home.

______

Your mom and stepdad were at work. Of course, they always have their phones with them in case of emergency, and you also weren't a kid anymore. But, you really want to have someone near right now.

You wanted a hug.

Your mom was a good mom. She loves you. You aren't holding it against her, that she remarried. Your step-father was a good guy. He respected you, didn't force you to call him dad, didn't force spending time with him. He and mom let you get used to the new situation in your own speed.

You were grateful. But, if only... If only they hugged you more often... Much, much more often.

They loved you. But didn't like hugs.

And you were too shy to ask.

You ate your lunch and went to your room. You will do your homework and will be free to do whatever you want.

And will try not to look in the "Hugs for a good mood" box you still have in your room. That now was in the corner and full of books.

_________

Few hours later. In BSD World

________

Sigma felt, how Little Light landed in his head, cuddling him. Guiding Light's voice, coming from above, followed.

"New Sigma's card has such a great attack. I am so lucky I got it."

Her voice, as usual, sounds warm and soft.

Sigma smiles. The portal soon will be ready, and they will finally see Guiding Light in person. Sigma wonders, how their first meeting will her will go. Sigma was lost in thought and didn't notice, how Nikolai, with a butterfly net, was sneaking up on him.

Little Light left Sigma's head the moment before Nikolai swing his net. Little Light flew away, and Nikolai's butterfly net was on Sigma's hair. Nikolai quickly freed Sigma, and with a quick "Sorry, Sigma

", chased after Little Light.

Sigma rubbed his temples. Little Light was just a floating blob of light, it didn't have body. Anyone who tried to pet it (a.k.a. Oda and Fukuzawa), had their fingers go through Little Light. But Nikolai still tries to catch Little Light (with net) and pet it.

Well, whatever keeps him occupied.

And Guiding Light will have so many head pats from Nikolai.

Sigma chuckled. Soon.

_________

Few months later

_________

You were in your new room. The last few months were wild.

First, BSD Cast were real and adopted you before you met them in person. Second, after a very long discussion with your parents, they agreed to share custody over you. With daily phone calls to mom, weekend visits to mom's house, with spending half of the holidays with her.

The relationship between BSD Cast and your parents were good. Even great. Koyouou and your mom quickly became friends, and your step-father and Steinbeck watched games together from time to time.

Your family became bigger. If only there were more hugs.

A knock on the door interrupt you thought.

"Hey, [Y/N]! Can I come in?"

Ranpo's voice was cheerful. You clear your throat and answered.

"Yes!"

The Best Detective in the World ("you can call me Big Brother Ranpo") skipped into your room and stopped right before you. Ranpo's grin was huge.

"[Y/N], there is something I want to ask you." Ranpo stopped talking, waiting for your response. You tilted your head.

"Um... What it is?"

Ranpo opened his eyes and opened his arms. Did he...?

"Can I give you a hug?"

Your world froze. You can't believe it. Ranpo was asking for a hug.

You nodded and step forward. Ranpo hugged you immediately. You hugged him back and almost melted in the warm embrace.

Ranpo gave you a head pat.

"Don't feel shy to ask for a hug from me, [Y/N]."

The hug from Ranpo was nice. The normal day became better.

_______

You were scratching Karl behind the ears, while having a conversation with Poe (you can call me Superior Older Brother Edgar).

He was telling you about his last book, that go quite well among readers.

You nodded, while Poe was describing ideas for his new book.

"It sounds great, Poe! Can't wait to read your new book!"

Poe grinned.

"And you will be a first one to read it."

Suddenly, Poe stood up from his armchair and walked to yours. He opened his arms for a hug.

"Can I?"

You nodded slowly and stand up. Karl climbed on your shoulders, rubbing his head against your hair. You hugged Poe. He gave you a tight squeeze.

"Here you go, little sis."

A normal day became a happy day.

_________

You were exhausted. All the school work was tiring you up.

You were in the library, finishing your homework. You put pen down and looked up. You closed your eyes. Soon... The school soon will be over.

You heard steps. Then familiar voice.

"Tired?" Sigma hummed. You just nodded.

"Want a hug to make it better?" You nodded again.

The next second, Sigma was hugging you, ruffling your hair.

"Here you go. Go away, tiredness, stop making [Y/N] sad."

You smiled, leaning towards Sigma's hand.

A normal day became a good day.

________

You went to the kitchen to grab some snack. While you were in a middle of making a sandwich, Nikolai entered the room. He looked at the almost finished sandwich on your plate.

"So, I am late for making you a snack? Well then... Want to have a hug? For no reason."

Nikolai opened his arms, inviting you.

You smiled and hugged him. Nikolai chuckled.

"Thank you, sis, for being you."

A happy day became a perfect day.

______

Your life was happy. Full of family members, familial love and hugs.

_________

Headcannons

🐯 Atsushi likes give you side hugs. Will let you hug his paws, when he is half-transformed.

📒 Kunikida will mostly pet your head for doing a good job.

🩺 Yosano will give you hugs for taking good care of your health. It includes you brushing your hair and teeth.

🌨️ Junchirou will hug you just to make you happy.

👩🏻 Naomi likes to give you a "friend hug".

🍵 Kirako isn't a cuddler, but she will sqeeze your cheeks.

🛏️ Katai will let you hug him and his futon, but will be very clumsy, if he hugged you.

🐄 Kenji will carry you during hugs.

🐰 Kyouka is another shy one. You will give each other a side hug.

👘🗡️ Fukuzawa isn't a cuddler, but he will give you headpats and praise.

🦀🪢 Dazai will gush over you while hugging you.

💉 Mori is another one, who stuck with headpats.

🍷 Chuuya's hugs a tight and makes you feel secure.

🌂 Kouyou's hugs are warm. You feel safe each time she hugs you.

🇫🇷 Verlaine will give you small and quick hugs.

🎧 Rimbaud's hugs are extremely warm. He will try to stay close to you during winter.

🚩 Flags will have competition between each other on who will have more hugs with you.

🧥 Akutagawa will give an awkward head pat.

🔫 Higuchi's hugs are soft but quick.

🚬 Hirotsu will hug you for doing a good work at school.

🔪 Gin will give you less awkward head pats.

🩹🧲 Tachihara's hugs a tight and protective. He takes his role of big brother very seriously.

🍰 Elise's hugs are sudden but soft.

💎 Karma is too shy to hug you.

⭐⭕ Kyuusaku are another sneaky hugger.

🍋 Kajii's hugs are tight but stiff. He doesn't know, how to hug.

🍛 Oda gives "dad hugs".

💰 Fitzgerald will be another one, who gives "dad hugs".

🐋 Melville will often ruffle your hair.

🐙 Lovecraft will give you even more awkward head pats.

🍇 Steinbeck likes to pick you up during hug.

☕ Lucy's hugs are gentle and warm.

🪶 Alcott is too shy, but will give you side hugs.

👒 Mitchell's hugs are soft but quick.

♊ Twain's hugs are bone-crushing.

✝️ Hawthorne prefer to give you hand pats.

😷 Pushkin will ruffle your hair.

🫖 Goncharov's hugs are careful and protective.

🐀 Fyodor will brush your hair.

🦇 Bram will let you hug him as long as you want. You can grab into him like a koala and he won't bat an eye.

⚔️ Fukuchi is another one with "bone-crushing hugs".

👧👩👵 Teruko's hugs are sudden and long.

💧 Jouno's hugs are soft and makes you feel calm.

🌸 Tetchou's hugs make you feel like you are behind a stone wall, that will protect you from any danger.

⛩️ Taneda will just pet your head.

💻 Ango's hugs are long, with him ruffling your hair.

🥷 Tsujimura's hugs are strong and secure.

🕶️ Ayatsuji will playfully scoff, while hugging you. His cats will rub against your legs.

👻 Mushitarou's hugs are awkward, but soft.

⌚ Gide will give you soft headpats.

🐉🍎🍏 Shibusawa will give you side hugs.

🐈‍⬛ Natsume will let you hug his cat form.

🤖 Adam's hugs are mechanical, but enjoyable.

👧🏻 Aya hugs you, when you two manage to win games.

🚸 Kousuke, Yuu, Katsumi, Shinji and Sakura will quickly hug you while you five are playing.

[linos-luna]

New family 🥀

Bang Chan x Reader

Warning: mention of abuse and sexual trauma

(Pt. 1) — (Pt. 2)

————————— 🥀 ————————

Home life was toxic and your childhood was rough. It’s only recently that you moved out of your mom’s house and since then, you only really keep in contact with your siblings.

The whole family dynamic was toxic. From your immediate to extended. Your mom was verbally abusive. Your our dad… well we don’t even talk about him. He went to prison when you were a baby and that’s all you know.

Although you did grow up with a stepdad. A straight up abusive narcissist. Your sibling were your half siblings so you were the stepchild to him. And he abused you on the daily. Verbal, physical, and even sexual… until you finally reported him. But even then, he just moved out.

Living with your mom as an adult was also tense as you two never got along

Eventually you had a moment of clarity. Realizing that this isn’t normal. So you tried cutting them off. It’s hard and you deal with the turmoil of that constantly…

~~~~

You had a friend named Chan, well actually his name was Chris but Chan was a nickname he liked. You met him in college and have been a little more than friends ever since. You never officially dated for a while, only flirting really. Although you suppose you’re dating now since he’s taken you home to meet his family already…

He was so kind. The sweetest guy you’ve ever met. Always so patient with you and loving. He knows your boundaries and always checks in on you.

You’ve told him about your family and he listens, knowing that some people just want someone to listen.

He also supported your dreams, heck his whole family did. He was a producer, and a good one at that, so when you told him that your dream was to be a dancer, he was excited for you and did everything he could to help you. This is the most support you’ve gotten from someone in your whole life.

Often times you felt like a burden. You weren’t the most physically affectionate and you needed constant reassurance that you’re not annoying.

One day you were having it particularly rough. You weren’t sure exactly what it was but your depression was really hitting hard.

Your boyfriend had sensed something was wrong when chatting on the phone with you so he came over.

He did his best to cheer you up. On his way there he picked up your favorite boba drink and some food.

You were happy to see him and gave him a tight hug the second he stepped in.

As you ate lunch, he asked you what was up.

“My mom called me…” you said with a sigh.

“Yeah?”

“It just… wasn’t good.”

“I understand.” He said while patting your hand. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

You nodded and continued eating. “How’s the new song going?”

“It’s great. Almost finished!” He replied with a smile. “This is definitely going to be one of my best works.”

“All your work is the best.” You said with a giggle.

“Yeah well, how’s my pretty girl doing? Any auditions lately?”

“Yeah I’m gonna be a back up dance in another music video. I just got the call yesterday.” You said with excitement.

“And you didn’t tell me?” He said in a teasing voice.

“Well I didn’t want to bug you, Channie.”

“You never bug me babygirl.” He replied with a sigh. “Never ever.”

After lunch you both went to the living room to relax. Sometimes you just liked laying with him. He was so warm.

A buzz from your phone, got you distracted from a moment. You looked at the text message and got quiet. It was from your mom.

> Why can’t you just be happy?

You hate when she says that. Always disregards your feelings. You got up and went to your room. Chan was confused and followed after you, just to see you crying on the bed.

“Babygirl, what happened?” He said while sitting next to you.

“Why is she like this?!” You cried. “She can’t just leave me alone!”

Chan looked at the message and hugged you.

“It’s okay, baby—”

“No it’s not!” You blurted out while standing up: “I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!!”

You shook your head, seemingly trying to pull your hair out.

“Okay. Okay.” He said calmly while taking your hands. He was still sitting and had you stand in front of him. “Babygirl, don’t hurt yourself. Look at me…”

You paused and only looked at him with a pout.

Chan wiped your tears and frowned. He hated seeing you like this. He wants to take you away from all this. He wants you to live with him and leave everything behind.

As you continued crying, you sat on his lap and hugged him, crying and sobbing into his shoulder.

“Do you want a new family?”

“What…?” You asked while pulling back.

“A new family. One that loves and supports you.” Chan said while rubbing your cheek. “You know, my parents have always liked you… and my siblings… and extended…”

You teared up. The idea of a family… a non toxic and loving family just taking you in as their own… it was a lot.

“A family that… loves each other… and supports each other….?” You said, more thinking out loud. “N-no bad touching… n-no yelling at me…?”

“No family is perfect but they do love you and will never hurt you like…”

“… like mine…”

He sighed and you instantly hugged him again.

“Yes… yes!” You cried while holding on tight.

“I’ll make that happen, babygirl. Don’t you worry…”

He pulled you back and kissed your forehead before letting you silently cry into his shoulder. He held you as well. The feeling was so warm and secure. You always felt safe with him. You felt so loved when with him. You always wondered if you even deserved that love.

How was this going to work? Well Chan had been planning to propose to you for a while. He’s already been looking at rings. But now he thinks he should speed it up a little. Sooner the better. He wants you to be happy. He knows his family will take you in. They will welcome you with open arms. And he’ll take care of you for the rest of his life…

————————— 🥀 —————————

This is the dream I had where I woke up crying. And my mom did say that to me. Just not thru text. My depression been pretty bad lately…

[bewarethewolfarmy]

(A Thanksgiving present because I saw a Tumblr post and it dared me soooo here

Fun fact: wrote this on my phone with my boyfriend unaware next to me in the backseat on the way to his family's thanksgiving with his mom, stepdad and cousin in the car too :) )

It was very hard to keep from making a sound as you sat on a dressing room that was certainly not yours. Your skirts were hitched up and between your legs was the phantom of the opera, going wild on your lower lips. Erik wanted to hear your voice and was desperately trying to invoke it but you didn't want to be caught. The feeling of his tongue digging deep into you though, stimulating and wiggling, setting every nerve on edge as he ate you out with the passion of a man possessed. It was remarkable how a man who had very little interaction with others was so good at giving pleasure but you certainly weren't going to complain about it.

You couldn't help a small whimper of his name and this seemed to only invigorate him more, as if he had somehow been holding back. Those skilled hands of his joining in and you gasped, biting down hard on your lower lip to keep from crying out. You gripped the table tighter and your head spun, spots in your sight as you leaned back against the mirror behind you. You were so close to the edge and if you didn't focus you might actually moan but God was Erik absolutely talented in so many ways. It wasn't fair, it really was. But he wasn't going to stop until you did, that was the bet; either you got them caught or he got sick of your taste. And you both knew he wouldn't.

It was going to be a very long day for you.

[gurugirl]

how do we feel about a New Years party stepdad!h blurb? <3

A/n: You wanted a blurb? SORRY! LOL! Got carried away babe! This is a bit more than a blurb. Happy New Year to everyone! Hope your parties are just as fun as this one 💦 3.4k words

Warning: stepdad!harry x stepdaughter!reader, inappropriate relationship, smut

stepdad!harry masterlist

New Year's Eve had always been a fun little thing that your mother loved to celebrate, maybe more than any other holiday. She always planned well in advance, inviting dozens of guests, warning the neighbors that it was going to be loud and bribing them with her famous tiramisu, having food catered in, decorations, champagne, noise makers...

You were dressed in your little red, sequin dress with a low back and black heels, hair smoothed and waved, red lips, and lots of butterflies in your tummy. You didn't know how tonight was going to go down. Harry would probably kiss your mom at midnight - that was a given actually. You were used to that, though. What had you feeling the fluttery nerves in your tummy was what Harry was going to do with himself.

The moment he saw you in your little red number he let out an audible scoff that even your mother noticed, "She's gorgeous isn't she, Harry?" Your mom poked her elbow at her husband and winked at you.

She truly just had no idea. But you'd also gotten used to pushing the guilt down so deep it almost didn't even bother you anymore. Almost.

As the guests began to arrive, everyone was handed a drink and ate snacks, and gathered in small groups to chat. The music playing over the speakers was nice and chill. The atmosphere was really relaxed and exciting all at once.

You invited a couple of your girlfriends and they were dressed just as cute as you. Cassidy was somewhat aware of how you felt about Harry. Well, actually she wasn't really aware. She only knew that you found him attractive. She had no idea of your secret. No one did.

"He's so fucking fine. How do you survive listening to him fuck your mom?" She laughed into her red solo cup. She was already half in the bag.

You rolled your eyes and made a gagging noise, acting as if you were grossed out by anything to do with Harry and sex, "Gross! Cas, you're nasty. I don't think of him like that."

She scoffed and shook her head, "I know you think he's hot. You told me. Don't lie."

You shrugged, "Not anymore really. Now he's just my stepdad. I don't think of him that way."

But you could feel his eyes on you all night. You even had to take your pointer finger and make a slicing gesture across your neck to tell him to cut it out. He was going to get himself caught. He wasn't being sly.

It had you a bit worried in fact. So your butterflies were warranted. Harry was being a bit too obvious.

One of Harry's friends, LJ, was also eyeing you. But you didn't like his attention. Not one bit. The guy was ogling you and he kept coming up to you and very openly flirted with you a good handful of times before Harry had had enough and he interrupted one such moment.

"That's enough, mate. That's my stepdaughter..." Harry had placed a palm on the man's shoulder to pull him back a few inches.

You watched on as LJ and Harry went back and forth, "No worries, dude. She's an adult. Right?" He looked at you with brows raised.

You shrugged but looked at Harry with pleading eyes. You wanted LJ to fuck off.

"Nah, let's go, man. Anyone but her..." Harry pulled LJ along and LJ turned back to you as he stumbled in step with Harry and waved at you, but the look on his face was a promise that he'd return.

Your mom was ER doctor, but her true calling was a party planner and host. She threw the best parties. She always had everything perfectly organized and planned out. Anything that went wrong, she took care of by improvising or adapting to doing something a little differently.

So, when one of the drunk guests fell into a table and knocked all of the drinks, cups, and liquor bottles to the ground, your mom had already bought extra liquor and mixers. She immediately got into host most and pointed to you and Harry, "In the basement, bring up the boxes labeled NYE Backup. There are seven of them."

You and Harry quickly went into the house and you kicked your heels off the moment you walked into the kitchen so you could more easily go up and down the stairs. This would likely involve more than one trip.

Harry led the way to the basement and just as you thought he'd do, he pulled you into his arms when you were both hidden away from any eyes that might see.

He groped your ass and then brought a hand up to your chin, holding your jaw, "Why are you wearing this? Trying to make me lose my mind? I've gotta fuckin' fight all my friends to stay away from you," he asked you with his face close to yours. The stance he had over you was possessive and animalistic.

You chuckled and grasped Harry's forearm that held your jaw, "Just for you, Daddy. Thought you'd like it."

Harry pressed his mouth to yours and moved his hands down again. He slid his fingers to your thighs and slowly moved the hem of your dress upward. He began moving you back toward the wall until you felt the cool, flat surface against your back.

Harry broke from the kiss and backed away enough so he could take a look at your panties. He was always obsessed with seeing what panties you had on no matter what you were wearing. You wore something that wouldn't show panty lines. a red and thin lacy thong.

Harry opened his mouth and smoothed his hands over your hips, his thumbs dragging the material down a little. He pushed your dress up further and brushed his fingers over your tummy and ducked down to kiss your belly button which made you laugh because the scruff on his face tickled a bit.

"S'mine..." he spoke against your belly as he settled onto the floor to his knees. His lips made their way down over your panties until he kissed right over the crotch of your panties. His hands pushed your thighs apart and for a moment, you forgot that you had a task to do and your mom's drill sergeant was about to come out if she didn't see you two back upstairs soon.

You leaned your head back to the wall and nodded, "Yours, Daddy."

Harry groaned and pinched the inside of your right thigh as he lifted your left leg and draped your thigh over his shoulder. He quickly pushed the material that was hiding your pussy away to the side and took one, wide and long lick upwards. He looked up at you with that devilish grin you loved before he took another long lick up, his tongue pressing into your labia before slurping your clit gently.

You gasped and put your hands into his hair just as he took his index and middle finger into your folds with his mouth wrapped around your sensitive button.

"Harry? Y/n?" Your mom's voice traveled down into the basement.

Harry quickly stood back up, straightening his clothes out and adjusting his dick as you moved your panties into place and slid your dress back down to cover your bottom.

You both looked at one another and laughed before bringing up the boxes. It did take a few trips. And on each one, Harry tried something but you slapped his hand away, "Mom is going to catch us. You need to stop!" But you couldn't stop the smile and the giggle when you warned him.

The backup liquor and mixers saved the party. Everyone got back to drinking and dancing and being loud. But now you were on edge after getting a little attention from Harry in the basement and your panties got progressively wetter through the night just thinking about his mouth on you. It also didn't help that he kept looking at you or when he'd get close enough he'd whisper into your ear so no one could hear or he'd graze his knuckles down your arm.

Harry didn't get too drunk, but he was feeling quite comfortable with himself. He was dancing and mingling, but he kept looking toward you throughout the night. But the only reason you noticed it was because you kept looking toward him. He was hot. And he wanted you bad, so you were in a state of constant horniness.

When the karaoke machine came out Harry was on it. Harry was a singer in a band. They were okay. It was mostly just for fun, but Harry was good. He took the microphone and put the song in.

When you first heard the music you weren't sure what the song was, but then you realized that it was Elvis. A Little Less Conversation. One of Harry's favorite songs.

Everyone laughed and cheered. It was quite ridiculous. Harry was just having fun, really getting into it. He was singing directly to one of his friends, Joe, touching his shoulders and swaying to the beat. It was a good show.

"He's hard not to stare at," Cassidy said as she leaned into you watching Harry sing the Elvis song. She had a smile on her face as she watched your stepdad sing and move around. Harry had his striped button-up shirt unbuttoned to just past his pecs and his sleeves pushed up to past his elbows, showcasing the tattoos on his forearms. Because of course, he did.

You looked around and realized most of the women were looking at Harry just like Cassidy was. You smiled because you knew Harry was yours at the end of the night. Well, mostly. You'd see how the night turned out once the guests left. Things were a bit more tricky when your mom was home.

Everyone who sang karaoke after Harry had a tough act to follow but it was fun to watch. You wouldn't dare get up and sing in front of anyone. You'd probably have the police called if you tried.

When the hour was closing in at midnight everyone had their champagne glasses and their partner. You and Cassidy stuck next to one another. You'd kiss her at midnight, just a peck.

Harry jumped up on a chair and started the countdown from 10. Your mom stood next to him and everyone watched Harry and counted down.

He shot you a look as the seconds ticked and then he jumped down from his chair and took your mom in his arms and kissed her just as you gave Cassidy a playful peck to her mouth at midnight.

Guests stayed well past midnight. You weren't sure what time they finally started leaving. Cassidy and Michaela planned to stay the night so they were already in your bed by the time you had finished clearing most things from the backyard with your mom and Harry and a few people who stayed to help.

Your mom snuck away before the last guests left and when it was just you and Harry he dragged you into the house and quietly into the basement.

"Your mom's in bed already. I think we need to finish what we started down here, don't you? Start the new year off right?" He had you pressed up against the wall again as he pushed his body against yours, trapping you between himself and the cold wall.

You leaned your head back and nodded with a smile, "I think so." You moved your hands over his chest and slid your fingers into the opening of his shirt, feeling his hard chest with hair scattered over his pecs. Harry's body was delicious.

Moving your hands down you unbuckled his belt and undid his pants as quickly as you could. Harry moved your dress up above your hips to expose your panties again.

"Fuck, I need you. I always need you so bad, Y/n..." Harry moaned as you pulled him out of his pants. He was already hard and ready. Heavy in your hand.

Harry moved your panties to the side and pressed his mouth back onto yours as he slipped his fingers into your crease and circled your clit.

You stroked him with your palm, but it was dry, so you pushed at him a little and spit into your hand, keeping your eyes on his, and then lowered your hand back down to his gorgeous cock. The cock that you knew would soon be taking up all the space inside of your cunt.

You gasped when he pushed two fingers into your tight little hole.

You and Harry stood in the basement, against the wall, watching each other as you got fingered and he got a hand job.

You both began to pant softly as it got more heated. Harry's fingers were long and worked you better than anyone else's.

"My hand is drenched. I think this pussy is ready for my cock now," Harry spoke through his teeth. His tip was leaking just the tiniest bit, his precum letting you know he was aching in your hand.

Harry removed his hand and pushed his pants all the way down and then he grabbed the back of your thighs and bent at the knees as he lifted you upward, your back still to the wall. You wrapped your legs around his waist and Harry guided his thick, hard cock into your sopping hole. You both let out a moan that was louder than it should have been.

"Fuck... that's all I needed..." Harry moaned as he felt you lather his cock in arousal, your walls pressing all around him.

"Mmmm... me too, Daddy..." you put your arms over his shoulders for leverage as he began to press upward into you deeper. Harry couldn't pull out too much, but with your back pressed into the wall, he could bend down a little and move himself in and out a few inches, but mostly, he stayed deep inside of you, fucking upward.

Harry had his hands squeezing your ass as he thrusted and you kept your legs locked around his waist so you wouldn't fall.

"Oh my god! Fuck, you’re so deep!" You grunted at his harsh plunges.

Harry put his mouth to yours to keep you quiet because your moans and yelps were too loud. His tongue swirled over your tongue and he licked at your lips and your mouth as he panted his breaths in between.

Harry began to pound into you harder as you fucked yourself down over his cock, moving your hips as much as you could. He kept his mouth over yours but the sound of your back against the wall as he rutted into you was thudding in time with his thrusts.

Harry's cock was throbbing inside of you and he moaned against your mouth as his jaw went slack. He was about to come.

"Come inside of me, Daddy. Fill me up..." you whispered as you pulled at his hair and Harry began to tremble.

"What do you need, baby? Want your clit rubbed? Can you reach?" Harry's words were breathy and tight.

You actually couldn't reach because of the angle and you were worried that if you let go with one of your arms you might lose your balance.

"I don't think I can. But that's okay..."

Harry grunted and moved his hands to your thighs and put your feet onto the floor before pulling out, his heavy cock swaying and shiny.

"Get on your hands and knees. I'll fuck you doggy and you rub that sweet little clit," Harry moved you so you were bending downward.

You got to your hands and knees, knowing you'd have carpet burn afterward, but it'd be worth it.

Harry got in right behind you and softly palmed over your bottom and leaned over your back, "Need to keep quiet, okay?"

You nodded and spread your thighs for him as you started to rub your clit.

Harry impaled you quickly and the feel of his cock parting your soft inner walls and the noise it made when his hips met your ass was so sexy.

Harry's pace was better like this. He could really fuck you in this position. You ran your fingers over your clit as Harry's cock glided in and then backed out to his crown, before pushing back in, reaching that one spot, deep inside, his tip and the swollen frenulum dragging over it and making you see stars each time.

It was like Harry's cock was made for your pussy. Curved perfectly to reach and rub into the magic area that had your toes curling and your pussy creaming over him with how good it felt.

Things only got wetter as Harry went harder. He was tempted to spank your round ass but he resisted because the sound of a palm landing on soft flesh could be a bit loud at times. And besides, his skin and balls slapping against you each time he rocked inward were loud enough. But those noises couldn't be helped. The sound of two people fucking would be enough of a giveaway. Having the sound of him spanking you, which would probably make you yelp was not wise.

Harry began to tremble behind you again, his long cock slicking into you and punching you deep in your tummy. You sped up the speed of your fingers and groaned when Harry's hips rocked into you so hard you were being knocked forward.

"M'gonna come, baby. Come on Daddy's cock. Come on... Need to see your cream all over it. Oooohh..." he let out a low and quiet moan and gasp when you started to quiver and moan.

You bit your lip to keep your noises down because your orgasm was about to take you out. You'd been on edge and pent up all night, which only meant your orgasm was going to wreck you.

Harry shifted deep into you and he grasped your hips. You felt him lean over your body as he fucked inward, inward, deeper, deeper, never moving his cock out as his tip was smashed into your magic spot, smoothing over it and pressing into it, never letting up contact.

You lost it. You did your best not to make a peep but you shook and your ears rang, your heart pounded harshly as your orgasm took over. You creamed over his cock, just like he wanted and you could feel his breath on your neck as he leaned over your body.

Harry gasped and stilled his hips as he released inside of you, deep into your guts. You felt drool hit the top of your shoulder blades as Harry's mouth was hanging open in ecstasy. He couldn't help it. You made his mouth water and his orgasm burst into you and took over all of his senses. He groaned quietly as he unloaded himself into you, coating you with his sperm.

It was a lot. You both came hard. His come began to drip out of you before he'd even pulled out. You were both still a little shaky when he finally did pull out and you heard him laugh as he slipped his fingers through your folds to scoop up his come. He put his arm around your body and you saw his finger in front of your face.

"Suck," he said in a dark voice.

You wrapped your lips around his finger and sucked his still-warm come into your mouth and swallowed it down with a gulp.

"Good girl."

You both got up, wobbly and breathless and smiling. Harry brought you in for another kiss as he pulled your dress down to cover your body.

"Happy New Year, baby. I love you." Harry kissed you deeply and you slung your arms over his shoulders and made out like teenagers. You could probably have gone another round but it was best to get back to your respective rooms before anyone caught you. "Happy New Year, Daddy," you smiled at the man and he pinched your cheek with a grin before you both headed upstairs and went your separate ways for the night.

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[zooweemamacita]

Currently Untitled PJ/Hazel Fic

Okay listen. This will be posted on AO3 when my account gets accepted but for now... here it lies. PJ/Hazel is main with background Isabel/Josie and the other fight club girlies

*disclaimer: this is not beta'd, nor have I ever written a fic in my life. I was inspired after the movie.

"PJ realizes that Hazel is sexy and cool and really really wants to kiss her again. Or get all up in her cooch. Either or, but preferably both."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

CHAPTER 1

Hazel still couldn't believe it. PJ had kissed her. Willingly. Not for a joke—for a distraction, at least, but not a joke. It was two days ago, already, but Hazel was over the moon. Over the stars… in the crab nebula, floating around and leaving a little trail of hearts everywhere. 

She couldn't stop thinking about how PJ gasped when Hazel gripped the back of her head, tilting her face to get a better angle…. 

“Hey! Loser! Is that your brain I see leaking out of your ears? Are you even listening to me?” PJ’s voice broke her out of her reverie. 

“No.. sorry. I was thinking about…” Hazel scrambled for an answer that wasn't ‘our magnificent kiss.’

“Our magnificent kiss?” Shit. 

PJ frowned, offended. Shit shit shit. 

“Magnificent? I would say it was at least life-changing. World-ending? Did I not rock your old grandpa style argyle socks off?” 

Hazel thumped her head on the lunch table. Why? Was Jeff sleeping with her mom not enough punishment? God, what did I do to deserve this? Is this about the bombs? she silently pleaded to the table. 

PJ took her non-answer as a yes, you did, thank you very much. She was proud of herself. I mean, it was Hazel Callahan, but even getting a nerd to like you was pretty satisfying. She was feeling it.

“Hey, are you gonna eat your sandwich?” Sylvie asked. Hazel silently slid it over, not looking up. Sylvie tore into it immediately, probably imagining it was her stepdad’s neck or something.

“Haaaazellllll” PJ singsonged. “I know you wanna kiiiiiiissss meeeeeee againnnnnnn.” Not that PJ wanted to kiss Hazel again, it was just fun to tease her. Right? She didn't wanna kiss Hazel again… right?

Hazel groaned, thunking her head again on the table. PJ shrugged and stole her mini bag of Doritos. Cool ranch? What the fuck is wrong with Hazel? Nacho cheese is the best flavor, obviously. PJ ate them anyway. 

She weighed the pros and cons while munching, eyes roaming over Hazel’s dark hair and button up.

Pro: Hazel was a surprisingly good kisser. For a nerd. 

Con: Hazel was a nerd. 

Pro: She wasn’t exactly swimming in cooch right now, even though they did kill a bunch of football players. Whatever. Maybe she could practice with Hazel before someone else realizes how cool and hot she is and then she’ll rock her world. Yeah, that sounded like a good plan. God, PJ, you're a genius, she congratulated herself. 

Con: She couldn't think of another one. 

Good enough for PJ. 

Now, getting Hazel to kiss her again miiiight be tricky. Should PJ invite her out? Invite her over for math help, because she actually needed it and Hazel was seriously good at math? 

She needed Josie for this. Scheming on her own made PJ feel like the unibomber. 

Hazel was the real unibomber here. Like, where did she even learn to make bombs? And why was it kinda sexy? Wait, sexy? Hazel Callahan? Nononono. PJ shook her head, literally shaking the thought from her brain. 

Hazel nerd. Hazel not sexy, she scolded herself. Fuck. She needed to talk to Josie, like yesterday. 

“Alright losers,” PJ stood abruptly. “This has been fun, but I gotta go see my number one.” 

Hazel lifted her head. 

“Hey, that rhymed, PJ! See you in class, you have a really nice ass!” Hazel said cheerily. She loves rhyming. Everyone at the table stopped talking and looked at her. 

“Riiiiight,” PJ said. “Thanks for noticing, I guess. Glad someone appreciates a good thing when they see it.” She said the last part to the rest of the cafeteria, loudly. No one noticed. 

Hazel realized what she said and the blood drained from her face. PJ smirked and wiggled her fingers, then turned away. The thump of Hazel’s head was so loud Teddy came over and told her not to break his table.

~

‘Step 1: get Hazel to kiss her again, and be completely obsessed with her

Step 2: ??????’

PJ aggressively drew the question marks in her notebook. Josie, who had never seen PJ do homework with such enthusiasm, was instantly suspicious. 

“Whatcha doin’ over there?” Josie asked from her desk. PJ was on her bed, splayed out like it was hers. If Josie tried to get her to scooch over, it would turn from a slapping fight into a shoving fight until one of them pulled hair and had to apologize. It was their way. 

Josie stayed at the desk. 

“Nothing” PJ said quickly, and turned the page. Too quickly. Now Josie was really suspicious. 

“Lemme see,” Josie said, getting up and snatching the notebook before PJ could protest. 

“HEY!” PJ yelled, but Josie jumped on the bed and bounced so PJ couldn't get up. PJ was yelling unintelligibly when Josie finally read what PJ wrote, jumping back down and out of breath. 

“You should really work out more, you're dating a cheerleader. I bet Isabel’s stamina is wayyyyyyy better than yours,” PJ tried, desperately trying to distract Josie from her list. Fuck. Never leave a paper trail. Forensic Files taught her that.

“Wait,” Josie said. She looked at the list, then back at PJ, and back at the list and back at PJ and-

“OKAY FINE! So the nerd can kiss. Who knew??” PJ said, throwing her arms up and flopping back down on the bed. 

“Wait- just so I’m getting this right. You want to kiss Hazel. Again. Like, willingly?” Josie confirmed. Was this happening? Is this bizarro world, did the earth go cube shaped?? What was happening?

“Jooosieeeeeeeeee” PJ whined. “I need your help. I do not need your judgement. Though, yes, it is well-deserved, I can see that.”

“But Josie,” PJ sat up, “You don't even know. Like, my cooter was soaked. Okay? Its been so neglected, its like the Sahara desert down there. Seriously.” 

“You know, Sahara means desert already. You don’t have to say Sahara Desert, it’s like saying ‘Desert Desert’ which is, ridiculous—“ Josie started, but was cut off.

“Fuck the desert! A nerd made me wet, Josie. I’m freaking out! And the worst part? I want her to do it again.” And again, and again, but that was beside the point. Josie didn't need to know that PJ rubbed one out before coming over, thinking about Hazel’s hands, her capable hands, sliding down her body, up her leg, up her inner thigh… PJ shivered.

“Ohmygod. Are you thinking about it right now? You're disgusting, dude!” Josie yelled. 

“What? It was HOT, OKAY??” PJ yelled back. Fuck, Josie knew she wasn't getting any. Sue her if she was obsessing over the hottest thing that had happened to her, like, ever. 

“Josie, if you're not gonna help me, I will be forced to use an alternate. Okay? Do you want me and Sylvie to have to plan this?? Someone would end up dead.” 

PJ might be right about that, but it doesn’t make it any less weird. They’d known Hazel forever. She was like a little fly that hung around, buzzing in their ears. But a sexy fly? Josie couldn't see it. 

“Okay, I get the kissing part. You wanna kiss her again, okay. But what’s with the obsession? You want Hazel to make dolls out of hair she cuts off you while you're sleeping?” Josie said.

PJ twirled her hair around her finger. Did she want that? It would be kind of sexy, to have the tables turned for once, to be the obsessee instead of the obsessed. She watched Misery and it really turned her on, for some reason. She’ll unpack that later. 

Josie shook her head and muttered to herself. What the fuck was happening? 

“Okay, PJ, look. I’m pretty sure Hazel already likes you, so you don’t have to do much. Why don't you, like, ask her to get a milkshake?” Josie offered. 

“A milkshake? What is this, 1957? Jesus, Josie, I want her to kiss me, not invite me to the fucking sock-hop! Help me!” PJ begged. 

Josie mimed putting a hat on. 

“Let me put on my thinking cap,” Josie said. 

“Lo-ser..” PJ muttered. 

“What was that?”

“Nothing.” 

“That’s what I thought. Now, to get the girl, you must understand the girl. Play to her strengths, make her feel sexy, make her feel wanted,” Josie started pacing while PJ aggressively took notes. 

CHAPTER 2

Last night PJ and Josie had come up with a plan. 

PJ will seduce Hazel. Compliment her, feel her biceps or something, make her laugh. Easy-peasy. Hazel’s been laughing at PJ’s jokes for years. It was kind of nice, actually. Hazel’s laugh always burst out of her, like she was surprised it was happening. Cute, PJ thought. She wanted to see if she could do it again. 

“Okay, you know the plan?” Josie whispered as they walked to their lockers. Hazel’s was two down from PJ’s, it was the perfect spot. 

“Tell her she looks good today. Look up at her through your lashes, fuckin’ tell her she’s so cool for blowing up the tree, can she teach you how to do it? type shit. You can do it, easy. Maybe touch her arm.” 

PJ took a deep breath. “I can do this. No problem. Hazel will quiver at my feet.”

“Gross.” Josie said. 

PJ was kind of nervous. What if she looked stupid? Would Hazel even be receptive to her flirting? Get your head in the game, PJ told herself in Corbin Bleu’s voice. She technically was the Troy of this story, now she just had to bag her Gabriella. But PJ draws the line at serenading. 

Josie elbowed her. “Target at twelve o’clock. I repeat, target at twelve—“

“Jesus Christ— Fuck, ow, Josie! Your elbows are sharp!” PJ complained.

“You got this, bro. Remember the plan, I’ll see you in class.” Josie saluted her, then turned and made her way to Isabel’s locker. She gave her one more thumbs up before she turned the corner.

It’s go time. 

PJ opened her locker, eyeing Hazel. She couldn't remember what book to grab, whatever. She slammed it shut, startling Hazel.

“Hey,” PJ said smoothly. “Come here often?”

“…to my locker?” Hazel questioned. “You see me here everyday.”

Fuck. She had to try something else. 

“I like your shirt.” PJ said, because she actually did, for once. It was a gray button up, short sleeves, with a faint checkered pattern. It really brought out the color of Hazel’s eyes. And she was wearing her usual chain. 

PJ wanted to pull Hazel in by that stupid chain and kiss her stupid confused mouth. 

Hazel, squinted, looking at PJ up and down. “Are you feeling okay? Do you have a fever?”

Hazel put the back of her hand on PJ’s forehead, checking her temperature. PJ smacked her hand away. 

“No, Hazel, I don't have a fever. Jesus.”

“Are you sure? I have some ibuprofen in my locker if you need it. Your face is looking a little flushed, maybe you should take one just in case—“ 

PJ groaned, about to give up. Could she even give a compliment correctly? This was seriously damaging her ego. 

“Hazel, I’m serious. I like your shirt,” PJ tried again. She reached up and straightened Hazel’s collar a little. Smoothed her hands across her shoulders. 

Hazel, meanwhile, stilled. Now she was really concerned. PJ was never this nice to her. 

“Hey, I can be nice!” PJ protested.

Shit, did I say that out loud? Hazel thought.

“Yeah, you did, you weirdo. Weirdo in a cute shirt. With your artfully tousled weirdo hair and your weirdly capable hands,” PJ continued.

“My—my what?” Hazel was lost. Hazel was on another planet. Was this really happening? Hazel looked at her hands. Two rings, skinny fingers.. capable? Did PJ like looking at her hands?

“Fuck. So, I’m gonna go.. and I’ll see you later? Yeah, see you later, loser! Just kidding. Okay. Shit. Bye,” PJ ran away, leaving Hazel there, still staring at her hands.

PJ liked her hands? 

~

“Mayday. Mayday. Red alert.” PJ said as she slid into her desk, panting hard, right next to Josie. 

“Did you run here? What could possibly have gone wrong, PJ? I mean, you just had to compliment her. How hard can that be?” Josie said, throwing her hands up. This was going to be a lot more difficult than she expected. 

“I told her she had nice hands! Like a weirdo! and I fixed her collar and said I liked her shirt, and-and—she asked if I was okay! Like, what, I can't be nice all of a sudden? Without there being something wrong with me?” words spilled out of PJ faster and faster.  

“PJ, chill! Also, yes, it is weird for you to be suddenly nice. I didn’t think about that… we might have to try a different approach.” Josie considered. 

“I might have to call in an expert,” Josie started.

PJ interrupted, “No. No. Don't tell Isabel. No. It’s too embarrassing. Hard pass.” 

“I’m gonna ask Isabel,” Josie said at the same time. 

The bell rang, cutting them both off.

“We’ll continue this at lunch,” Josie said, “And consult the experts. They'll know what to do.”

~

Hazel was floating through class. Her head felt bigger after PJ’s compliment, her feet weren't touching the ground. Her hands? Hazel never thought hands could be sexy, but.. she was learning all sorts of new things this year. 

Her chest burned with warmth all morning. 

She kept catching herself grinning, thinking about PJ’s odd (yet oddly charming) way of complimenting her. Even Mr. G noticed, and told her to stop smiling at nothing cause it was  ‘freakin’ him the fuck out and he didn’t wanna have to call a priest again.’

Maybe getting PJ to kiss her again would be easier than she thought. 

Now she just had to come up with a plan…

~

Hazel dropped her stuff on the lunch table in front of Annie. 

“I need your help,” Hazel said. 

“Hazel, no, I won’t steal anything from the chemistry lab again. Mrs. Roswell is already suspicious of me!” Annie exclaimed.

“What? No- Annie, no, it’s about something else. It’s about,” Hazel got really close, looked around carefully, and whispered, “PJ.”

“Why are you whispering? Did she say some other shit to you? This girl… I’m not gonna let her talk to you like that again—“ Annie started getting up.

“NO! Annie, listen to me,” Hazel pleaded, pulling her back down. 

“I need— I need your help withgettingPJtokissmeagain.” Rushed out of Hazel’s mouth. 

“What?” Annie couldn't understand that last part. 

“With getting..” Hazel groaned, putting her hands over her face. 

“With getting PJ to kiss me again,” she said carefully, refusing to remove her hands.

“PJ? Are you sure you wanna kiss PJ again?” Annie said, disbelief coloring her voice. 

“Yes,” Hazel said, peeking out from her hands. 

Annie considered, thinking about it for a second, but seeing that Hazel was serious she relented, and decided to help her.

“Sure, fine, whatever. You can do better than PJ, though. Date someone actually nice?” Annie tried.

Hazel shook her head. “Mm-mm. She’s the one. I’m sure of it.” 

“Ooo-kay,” Annie said, pulling a notebook out of her backpack. “Let’s get you some PJ.”

[missmielyhoran]

Stages of love

How Harry and Y/N were before Stages of grief

[Warning- Fucked up timeline]

Face claim- Lily James

Masterlist // Series Masterlist

Late 2015

Liked by Harryfan2, Y/NCinderella, Harryfan1 and 86,099 others

StylesUpdate 'Cinderella' actress Y/N Monet seen at Harry's concert then them leaving together.

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Harryfan2 NO FUCKING WAY

Harryfan3 She was with her son and ex, they were dancing together whole time🥺

Harryfan1 Wait with her ex are they together or she's with Harry?

Harryfan3 I mean her and Harry simply could just be friends

Harryfan2 the way he's holding her? Naah

Early 2016

Liked by Yourmom, harrystyles, Y/Nfan3 and 2,986,125 others

Yourinstagram 26 babyyy🍾

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Harryfan1 Happy birthday queen🥳

Y/Nfan3 Milfff🤤

TaylorSwift Happy birthday mon❤️

Yourinstagram Thank you Tay😘

Harryfan3 I want to be her🥺also Happy birthday babe

harrystyles Prettiest girl out there💕

Yourinstagram you flatter me baby🫣

Harryfan2 get.a.room.

harrystyles we did

Liked by Harryfan2, Harryfan4, Y/Nfan2 and 75,008,124 others

StylesUpdate Harry at Y/N's 26th birthday party he threw for her.

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Y/Nfan2 He was drunk out his mind💀

Harryfan1 both were😂

Harryfan3 He threw her a birthday party🥺

Y/Nfan1 I love them together😍

Harryfan4 and the way he's good with her son too and they hang out😭

Harryfan1 Mom and dad!

2017

On twitter-

DailyMail Former One Direction member Harry Styles and Cinderella actress Y/N Monet have reportedly tied the knot in secret near french countryside after just by dating for more than a year.

1M Likes 9.1k retweets 5.2k Quote retweets 11k comments

Harryfan2 OMFG AHHDJSBSB

Y/Nfan1 I never took Harry as someone who would tie down so early but oh well

Harryfan1 I'm literally shaking omg congratulations to them😭

Harryfan3 That means Harry is Em's stepdad...stepdadrryyy!!😍

Randomuser how is this relevant?

Liked by Annetwist, Yourmom, Harris_reed and 8,252,004 others

harrystyles 25.03.2017 ❤️💍

View all comments.

Harryfan1 Bet that necklace costs more than my existence

Annetwist Congratulations kids🥳

Harryfan2 I still can't wrap my head around her, not being natural blonde

Yourinstagram mon éternité❤️

Liked by harrystyles

GemmaStyles Only best decision my dumbass brother has made

harrystyles I agree

Y/Nfan4 She looks so gorgeous😍❤️

Liked by Harryfan4, GemmaStyles, Jeffazoff and 7,92,567 others

Yourinstagram Mon bébé, mon amour, mon mari. Je vous aimerai pour toujours. 25.03.2017❤️💍

(My baby, my love, my husband. I will love you forever)

View all comments.

harrystyles mon ange❤️

Harryfan1 Did you guys see the pics her best friend posted on her story😭

Y/Nfan3 omg yes😭

Harryfan1 Em was his best man I can't-

Y/Nfan3 They both ate the wedding looks🤌

Harryfan3 people- don't upstage the bride- Harry- wears white💀

Late 2018

Liked by Yourinstagram, Annetwist, Harryfan2 and 9,259,485 others

harrystyles Behind the album. Out.Now

View all comments.

Harryfan3 Petition for Harry to stop giving us heart attack

Harryfan1 I was ugly crying and I'm not ashamed of it

Y/Nfan2 I just know that baby will be gorgeous asf

Harryfan2 yeah greek god summat

Liked by Harryfan2, Y/Nfan3, randomuser and 98,765,123 others

StylesUpdate Harry was seen out with his daughter, who was reportedly born a month ago.

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Harryfan1 Girl dad harry supremacy!

Harryfan4 he looks so happy🥺

Harryfan3 Where is Y/N? Shouldn't she also be with him?

Y/Nfan2 Probably at home resting. Postpartum his hard and I think he's very capable of taking care of his own daughter

Harryfan2 I'm dying to know what's her name😭

Mid 2019

Liked by harrystyles, PillowPerson, Y/Nfan3 and 9,245,897 others

Yourinstagram Amie Monet-Styles

View all comments.

Annetwist Look at her huge hat. Bless her😂❤️

Yourinstagram yeah she almost fell from the weight of it but wouldn't let us take it off

harrystyles my adorable baby

FlorencePudge Oh my gosh she's adorable

Y/Nfan2 Her tiny hands🥺

GemmaStyles @/yourbestie Our god daughter💗

Comments on this post are limited.

*****

Taglist- @tenaciousperfectionunknown @that-daydream-look @harryspirate @tiaamberxx @jvsgnjrtpdar5stkd-tv-m @sunshinemoonsposts @lilsiz @kaverichauhan

if your name is in orange sorry I couldn't tag you

I hope this fits as an apology for making you huys weight for Stages of grief🧍🏻‍♀️❤️

I love you, drink some water

You can talk to me here♡

[just-rogi]

Not to sound like a middle child but I’m thinking about how last year everyone forgot my birthday and then a week later it was my stepdads birthday and everyone remembered and got him a cake and threw him a party and I couldn’t even eat the cake bc he wanted cream cheese frosting and I can’t eat that so my mom made me a blueberry pie I could have instead but my stepbrother got up the night before and ate it in the middle of the night and this was just a quirky thing. And this year literally none of them remembered it was my birthday. Y’all wtf…

[weakherodiaries]

Weak Hero: Ep 258 Reaction

SPOILERS ALERT

"The memories I can't even remember, let's bring them all out one by one. The best choice. Next, is the second-best choice. Then, the third-best choice. Things I didn't want to happen. Things outta my control...." -"AMYGDALA," -Agust D.

So the harrowing tale of Baekjin (Donald)'s traumatizing past continues. His teachers and peers abused him because of his poverty and because of their envy and greed. He kept getting the best grades even though they bullied him for not being able to purchase the uniform, for looking shabby and dirty. They even kicked him out from the classroom during a classmate's birthday celebration to mop the floor and take out the trash, to massage his homeroom teacher's foot, and to get beaten up.

The homeroom teacher wrote bad reports about Baekjin's behavior to his scholarship provider. Then he gave Baekjin leftover foods like it was something Baekjin should be grateful for, and the poor kid ate it alone hungrily.

Last but not least, a rich kid (his class representative)'s mom came to school and little Baekjin was summoned in front of her and the teachers, being accused for dishonesty in the exam. When in fact the mother was the one who bribed the homeroom teacher with an expensive watch to ensure that her son got the questions in advance and got the best grades.

How dare they. These incompetent adults.

But the saddest thing to me is the reason why eventually Baekjin will get his tattoos and turn into gang life and crimes: he saw his stepdad getting beaten up by a tattooed thug.

So the current fearsome Baekjin is the person he created out of the desire to be someone whom his scary stepdad is scared of. And in doing so, he is feared by everyone else instead.

[fedorahead]

it is xmas eve and i was raised in the xian hegemony, which means ~holiday spirit time~

but unfortunately 23 years and 14 days ago my aunt moved with her new boyfriend back to california from chicago and he became a passive antagonist in my life because he saw his girlfriend's 8 year old niece* as competition.

over the next several years, whenever my aunt was in town or we were visiting her, he tried to bond with me by collecting stories he would later use in my adulthood to explain why he felt like i was wrong about my life experiences. for instance; every time he is trying to get sentimental, he talks about the time he tried to teach me how to skip rocks, but everyone told him not to try to teach me things because i didn't take failure well, and how proud he was that i learned to skip rocks with him. this is a deviation from my memory of learning to skip rocks from my stepdad some years before that on a foggy lake near Seattle, and illustrates quite well his view of himself as some saviour, my family as underestimating me, and emphasizes one of my core flaws (i do in fact struggle with learning new things). my mom just walked in the room and she remembers the foggy lake as well... it was the first time i had cocoa krispies.

since the rock skipping memory that i don't have, there have been more. and i have memories he never brings up, like the year for christmas he gave me a very small wooden box (like smaller than a ring box) with a quarter and a paperclip in it, and explained to me how "it's the thought that counts" is actually a Very Powerful Statement, and that he hoped I could feel the love behind the present. of course, i treasured it as the Most Meaningful Present that year because i genuinely thought he meant it.

the first year he came to spend the holidays with our family, i didn't understand why christmas eve was so different. it had always been my relaxing, loving, comforting day because it wasn't split custody like xmas day. we ate dinner and i opened a present and my whole family had bonding time. singing, stories, fire, all the cozy things of memories. but he showed up and didn't want me to be the center of attention (i wasn't, the family was), he wanted to be the center of attention because it was his birthday.

so the year my aunt got called away from his birthday dinner to take my mom to the the hospital because her boyfriend broke her arm, he added that to his list of stories of how my family was so broken, and how his birthday was ruined, and how magnanimous he was for putting up with us, and for how kind my aunt was to her sister who didn't deserve it because she got herself into those situations.

the year my grandparents decided to make his favourite meal for his birthday even though i was allergic to it, and told me to eat it for his benefit because they didn't believe i was allergic to it, i spent christmas even vomiting and got told i was being dramatic and had done it to myself.

he married my aunt. i was told not to wear heels to the wedding because he was already shorter than me at age 12 and he felt insecure. i got the highest heels i could convince the family to buy me.

after my aunt taught me to drive when i was 12, my boyfriend and mom and i went up to visit them when i was 15 and he "taught me to drive" again in the same car. i believe he still takes credit for that.

he confided in me a few years ago, when he first met my aunt, she hd a picture of me and he thought i was her secret non-custodial child, because he had a secret child. he didn't question the fact that she's only 12 years older than me. we only found out about his oldest daughter a few years ago.

later, when i was still 15, he got a job in temple, texas. he moved my aunt and cousin, and they had another kid, and it was a difficult pregnancy and they lived in a shitty house and we visited and it was a rough trip. i hated texas. he convinced my grandparents, who i lived with, to move to texas to help.

me and my mom were the last ones left in california and we had no money, my mom was doing her best to work but as an undiagnosed autist with substance struggles and severe trauma, she ended up unemployed for long stretches of time. i dropped out of school and used bureaucromancy to get a diploma from the state of california, because i had been struggling in a stable home and that was gone.

eventually, we were going to lose our housing because we couldn't follow the absurd rules (no overnight houseguests, no plants outside the door, don't have a bbq grill at all, "you have to call the cops any time your stepdad is on property because he is not authorized") and we made a deal with the housing authority that i would become the primary name on the account and my mom would leave. she moved in with my aunt across the country, and i was alone in a new, smaller apartment, at barely 18.

that lasted as long as i could drag it out, i ended up working 3 jobs to pay rent and buy food, and eventually i just couldn't find a place that cost less than my housing allowance. i asked my aunt if i could move in with her in their nice, newer house in round rock, texas.

she said ok, and he drove out and got me, and we drove to texas from so cal. it was a weird drive, he told me about a lizard person he saw once. he looks at this drive as a fond memory, i found it awkward...

we got to texas and he didn't like that i was pursuing a diagnosis for my at that time unlabeled disability. i had figured out what i had, and had a placeholder diagnosis, but hadn't seen the specialist i needed. this became screaming matches about how neurotic i am, how it's all in my head, how there's nothing wrong with me at all besides telling myself i was sick. i was suicidal and desperate to get away. i had come looking forward to spending time with my dying grandpa, and got maybe three or four days of time with him in the 9 months i lived here.

i left texas and moved to oregon to live with a stranger i had met online, entering into the most physically and mentally traumatic situation i had ever faced. i fled that to another unhinged internet stranger. eventually, gordon and black company picked me up and spirited me away to washington, the place i'd wanted to be since that day in the fog with the rocks and cocoa krispies.

my life is better now. i have friends and found family and loved ones, and the relationships damaged by his presence (my dynamic with every member of this sode of my family) have been largely repaired.

when i visit during the holidays, he's ok... a few years ago, in an effort to force us to make up, my aunt had him drive me from their house to my grandma's after being at their house for a little while. he decided to spend that drive describing my aunt's experience watching my grandpa die.

last year, we did not interact. this year, i stayed in the kitchen reading while he unwrapped his presents. as my mom and i left to go to the store he complimented my birthday massacre shirt and gave me $100 for groceries. when we got back he was on the trampoline in a kilt with a leafblower, and i joked about thinking it was a chainsaw. we have shallow interactions. that's fine. but everyone went to their house for dinner and a bonfire (the houses are next to each other since my grandma moved) and i sat here writing this and trying not to cry. my mom came back in and invited me to join them, said everyone was missing me, and i opted out. she sat with me on the sofa.

i've been told he regrets his behaviour during the period in which i lived with them. that doesn't change what a profoundly negative impact he had on the rest of my life. he took the one person i idolized, saw me as a competitor to her affections, and alienated me from her, not to mention the shit between them, like his insecurity about the fact that she's an astrophysicist making him keep her as a housewife/piano teacher until recently, and his resistance to her going on anti-depressants, and his weird culty religious convictions... she once defended their life as "not the most feminist marriage" which was probably the biggest betrayal for me. he finally succeeded in driving that wedge, because i lost respect for her.

i've always been the asshole in this dynamic. the man who looks down on our weird autistic family while his family get-togethers involve fistfights and arson vs the now-adult little girl* he felt intimidated by.

i guess i've always been the bigger person. but it would have been really fucking cool not to have to be. i'm glad my cousins see through the shit he's told them about me, that i'm unstable or some tragic genius who just can't be trusted. the youngest one still seems kind of scared of me though, which is so painful because he also loves me so much.

when his daughter told me she suspects he's technically abusive, my other aunt tried to equivocate and i told her flat out that i consider him to be.

i *am* dangerous.

but also, he's outstretched a hand so many times, hoping there can be love between us, and i don't think he understands how hard i worked to ignore his insecurities and mistreatment and condescension when i was way too young to not take damage from that self restraint, and give love where and how i could. and i'll always be the asshole for failing to maintain that.

so basically, fuck christmas eve

[oc-aita]

u/throwawayff07f posted in r/amitheasshole:

am i the asshole for murder/fratricide/cannibalism?

throwaway account bc i have my own personal life going and i dont want this to affect my buisness. tw for murder, alcoholism, abuse? death, cannibalism ^u^

i, NB was the youngest of five siblings. they were techincally my half siblings because my mom cheated on their dad with my dad, and it became really obvious when i was born ginger lol. my mom and her husband started fighting and eventually she died. my dad didnt take me in, and my stepdad eventually ended up drinking himself to death, leaving my eldest sister e in charge.

another thing to note is i had a very severe age gap from my siblings. i was born when my youngest older siblings (twins, d (f) and b (f)) were ten, and as such i never felt like i fit in. it got so much worse after j was in charge of us, as all of my siblings (e, my brother l, d, and b) were vastly older than me and also hated me for ruining their family. i kinda ended up raising myself.

d and b were usually busy with school or whatever, but e and l were unoccupied and had nothing better to do than abuse me. l was supposed to get a football scholarship and e was going to start an album, and because of the everything they both blamed me that they couldnt follow their dreams. d and b weren't as bad but they all hated me.

when i was twelve, d and b were graduating college, and intended to move out, leaving me, an actual 12 year old, alone with e and l. e got really drunk and was talking about just leaving me so she could begin her music career and l could do his football. i got really angry and decided they couldn't just leave me, i was twelve, not fucking matilda, you know? so i waited until they went to sleep, got the butcher knife from the kitchen, and killed them all.

i had to use e's computer to look up how to get rid of bodies, and couldn't think up a good way to dispose of them without being suspicious. i thought - wait a minute, i could just eat them! i knew how to cook, like, a little bit, and so i chopped them all up and over the course of the night, ate all of the evidence. it tasted fine, fyi.

when the police were called, i lied and said i didnt know where they went, and that i didnt care. it was corroberated by some of the other neighborhood moms that my miserable siblings hated me, so i wasn't considered a suspect, especially because i was twelve and couldn't just kill a football star on my malnourished own.

so, uh, reddit. am i the asshole for a bit of justified cannibalism? i sure as fuck don't regret it.

[qumiiiquinnquin]

it just dawned on me.

that throughout my entire life , ive been abused. its taken its toll on my mental health during my childhood , but not once did i ever think about just. ending it , or ever doing anything to myself.

this probably immediately sounds ridiculous. most kids in an abusive family do try to escape , resort to sh or...disappearing. why didn't i then? was i really abused?

but i never considered any of it , not until i was probably 15 or 16.

the first time i wanted to end it was when i was 11. it wasn't due to family , it was due to thinking a very close friend of mine no longer cared about me. yea , it was over a friendship. she claimed she did still care , and it was on me not participating in conversations. its kind of hard to jump into a conversation though where you're immediately excluded or never acknowledged though... but i claim responsibility and was wrong to feel the way i did and accuse her ((middle school drama)).

but aside from the first time that i learned i shouldnt be allowed to have friends , i otherwise never considered disappearing. the situations with my family my whole life felt normal to me. being yelled at and spanked by my dad up until i was 11 but yelled at again and him being a bit physical with me when i became chronically depressed and severely anxious when i was 16 and 17 , being a bit neglected by my mom and put into multiple situations that could have k!lled me or gotten the cops called on her , being yelled at by my stepdad and never allowed to criticize my mom and always treated like he knows everything and i don't know anything , being manipulated and emotionally abused by my nana and “aunt”...

both my parents did things that easily could've gotten the cops called on them for abuse , since i was a baby. of course , no one found out. and everyone in my family claims to feel sorry and guilty for everything they've done to my sibling and i , except my “aunt” and nana , the latter saying to me before that she's never done anything wrong to my sibling and i. and really , i dont have the guts to call anyone on my family because i know both of my parents and stepdad care about my sibling and i a lot , despite the rough childhood.

besides my parents and stepdad , my “aunt” and nana were the other main sources for my declining mental health , and its because of them that im shocked im still here. as i said , both were very emotionally abusive and manipulative. they were judgmental and strict about our appearances , what we ate , how much we ate , our weights , and our attitudes. especially my “aunt” , who would not even accept a poker face. if you were not smiling , you were automatically accused or questioned of not enjoying yourself , and guilt-tripped for making her and my uncle spend so much money to ensure my sibling and i had a good time.

she wanted things her way , and every time we “misbehaved” it resulted in over the top punishments. we would have to eat lunch that day downstairs the room we stayed in , we couldn't really talk and multiple times we had to write apology letters and read them aloud to her. one time when we did this , after we read her our letters , she brought up how she never met her dad and was raised in poverty , and along with other hardships , she would make herself cry and my sibling and i were forced to console her. another time when we were punished , she took away all of our electronics , and when they were reluctantly given back to us , my sibling and i saw the message on our lock screens that too many attempts had been made and another attempt could be made in a half hour. in other words , she had tried to get into our phones , likely to see if we were communicating with our mom and stepdad or our dad about our “aunt.” one of the days when we got in trouble , my sibling and i had enough and were downstairs , cursing about her. she had clearly been standing right there listening , because she flung open the door right after one of our comments and threatened to fly us back home and make sure our dad grounds us. i told her why she cant just give us back to our mom and stepdad , and she claimed she couldn't do that , and its either we fix our behavior or we go home - this is something she is not allowed to do. for flights to and from my mom's and my dad's , only my mom and dad can coordinate that. to anyone that needs to know the times and dates so they can make sure we’re packed and ready , they will be notified. otherwise , nobody else but my mom and dad are allowed to arrange flights for my sibling and i traveling to and from home.

but she had eavesdropped on us before , doing it an earlier visit after we went to bed and the door was closed. we were whisper complaining , but at one point my sibling stopped me and somebody walked away from the door. she would grab us by the arm or wrist a lot and sternly speak to us a couple inches from our faces , since we were 4 and 5 or 5 and 6. she told me once how we were embarrassing her. she often compared us to other children , saying the kids she would occasionally watch who were older than us acted better than us , and so did our baby cousins. one time when we were punished , she gave us a lecture on our behavior , saying when we get a job with our attitude , we will be fired and end up homeless with nobody to help us because of our behavior and disrespect. she targeted my sibling , one summer making my sibling feel bad for ruining my birthday and returned the gift , blaming my sibling for it. she made my sibling apologize to me and i had to console my sibling that night , who was crying uncontrollably and blaming themselves for everything. the next morning my "aunt" had placed a letter under my pillow , containing $20 inside and apologizing for my sibling's behavior - i tossed the letter and shared the money with my sibling. another time , my sibling got in trouble for something , and had to stay downstairs away from everyone. when they came up for dinner , they played with it , and my "aunt" said that if my sibling wasn't going to eat and just play with their food , then they could go back down to bed. my sibling left and went downstairs and i immediately excused myself too , so i could go be with my sibling. i comforted them and hugged them as they cried. one of the visits when we had to leave to go see our “aunt” , my sibling cried and screamed and my stepdad had to carry them out because there was nothing else that could be done - we had to go see them. only late last year did i realize that she was trying to live through my sibling and i , and i broke down crying.

my nana was my sibling’s and i’s favorite relative growing up until we were 12 and 13. growing up , she was nice , but was strict and oftentimes made rude comments about us , our home , or our parents ((including stepparent)). we just accepted these comments since there wasn't too much else that she was doing other than randomly being rude and self-centered. we didnt know the kind of person our nana was though until we were 12 and 13 , where we found out she was very manipulative and controlling. we wanted to spend a week , just one full week , with our mom , who is the person that i am doing these visits for , as she is the primary person we are here to see. my nana wasn't allowing it and expressed her lack of faith in my mom’s ability to parent and refused to listen to listen to my stepdad’s plea because he cussed at her out of frustration. my sibling and i cried and i had never yelled so loudly at anyone. i was just wanting to spend a week with my mom , but my nana refused to listen and said nobody had any control over the situation and my sibling and i have to deal with it. eventually she talked to my mom in private , and then came back crying and begging for forgiveness and allowed us to stay the rest of the summer break ((3 weeks)) with our mom , not forcing us to see anyone else. my mom told me though that from that incident , my nana believed that im autistic and my sibling is bipolar ((...because we were fighting back , yelling , and crying , demanding she let us spend time with our mom...)).

only after that did it get worse. she now had shown the manipulative and controlling aide of herself , so now every visit was more tense and she wasn't afraid to keep showing that side. she gaslit us , telling me back in 2020 that she had never done anything wrong to my sibling and i , right after an extremely minor situation got out of control because of her and she made it about herself , sending out an email blaming our mom , stepdad , aunt , uncle , and dad for raising us the way they did and letting us behave the way we do , and claiming my sibling and i were acting like visiting her was like getting bamboo shoved up our fingernails. our nana targeted my sibling as well throughout childhood , rarely trusting them and refusing to trust me when id try to stand up for them because ‘im just being their sibling and defending them.’ i was also only realizing shit she was doing our entire lives , such as making us visit everyone without complaints and keeping us away from our mom. although my mom wasn't well for a while , my nana kept us from her a lot because she had no faith in my mom’s ability to parent , and openly shamed her for her weight and body , once saying “do you want to end up looking like your mother?” to my sibling and i when we were younger and had wanted a snack an hour after not being able to finish our breakfast that morning. she had also tried forcing gender stereotypes on us and tried to make us grow up to be attractive women , wear girls clothing only , do housework while our grandpa doc worked , and be submissive to others. in 2017 or 18 when she learned of my hatred towards our "aunt" , she told me i need to stop holding unnecessary grudges and just get over it , because it does nothing but ruin relationships and it's not fair or respectful to people.

both my “aunt” and nana openly blamed our dad and family back home for our behaviors. my nana didnt like my dad in general because my mom’s claim that he had hit her while they were still married , and my nana had told me when i was 8 that my dad was the cause of the divorce and had expressed surprise about him being able to raise two children while single and in the military. my “aunt” just...hated everyone. she was rude to everyone , but always demanded respect in return. she would never talk to others but just watch them closely , but when anyone talked to her , she'd say very short responses in a harsh tone.

my sibling and i couldn't do anything. there was nobody for us to turn to. we knew that nobody would listen to us because we're "just being little kids" , and spring break of 2014 or 15 just cemented those worries. my nana claimed that she'd do something when we expressed to her the things our "aunt" had done up until that point , but she never did until my "aunt" and uncle got divorced in 2018 , kicking our "aunt" out of the family. our nana communicated with our dad about us flying to and from home to see our mom , and if we had opened up at all about our nana , if would've caused enormous problems and we likely wouldn't have been able to fly out to see our mom anymore. there was no escape from this family. our mom and stepdad knew about our "aunt" and nana , but couldn't do anything and told us to just go with the flow - which never worked , but nothing else could be done. my dad just excused our nana's behavior as part of her upbringing and being from a wealthy family , and we just have to be understanding of her - also didn't work because respect needs to be mutual not one-sided , otherwise you then have a controlling relationship. he did not seem to be aware of what she and our "aunt" were doing , as i had expressed one of the incidents of our "aunt" to my dad's former girlfriend's daughter in 2018 or 19 , and he overheard me , repeatedly saying "what the hell."

since there was nobody for us to talk to or anyone that would believe us , my sibling and i kept it to ourselves. all we could do was vent to each other , cry , complain about having to visit/stay with someone , and , something i very much recall: when i was 11 and my sibling was 10 , we both took out my old tablet and opened up a notes app , listing things we believe we were , putting down things like burdens , children , wastes of time , brats , ugly , and worthless. we saw little to no value in ourselves , and i only recently realized just the kind of impact our "aunt" and nana had on our mental healths at such young ages.

but now , everything has calmed down. i dont know why , but since 2021 it feels like everything that was wrong in my family completely stopped. my nana has chilled out a lot since the passing of her husband , though she still makes unwanted and rude comments time to time. i haven't seen or heard from our "aunt" since 2018 either. earlier that year , our mom told us that our "aunt" wanted us to keep her company after the divorce ((there's a certain term for it but i don't recall it)) , but we declined immediately because we knew she'd just use us for comfort and make us consolidate her at all times. im very glad i haven't seen her again , she had been abusive to our uncle too , whom i was very surprised to see was much nicer after he divorce. we were used to him being emotionally abusive towards us too , but after the divorce and he was much more friendly , i realized it was the influence she had on him that had made him be so hurtful in the past. im still frustrated at my nana for not taking into account the impact she had on my sibling and i and only caring about our uncle , especially because we had said something 4-5 years prior.

but despite all that...i for some reason never considered shing or disappearing or escaping. there was nothing else i could do , why did i never consider it? i only have since 2020 when my mental health started declining , but it was originally due to just general sewercidal thoughts and hating being depressed. but in the last couple of years , ive been having bad memories of how our nana and "aunt" used to treat us , and it partially became a reason why i wanted to commit. when i attempted back in 2021 , the reasons then were because of them , and being tired of being depressed , and thinking ill make everyone's lives better.

i just don't understand. when i had my first ideation at 11 , it wasn't due to family , but it was in the middle of the fucking 10+ years of abuse we faced. only at 15 and 16 did it bother me , and im finding it hard at 18 to be able to just. get past it.

i just don't understand. why did it never cross my mind? my thoughts at 11 should've been about family.

and i wish i had acted on them to get out of this hell.

[thedeviousdevilxx]

hi!! Matt sorum bio reader here! I saw your post so I thought I’d give you my opinion so far (I haven’t finished it yet). I know ALOT of people really disliked Matt after reading his book but tbh I don’t think he’s THAT bad. Please dont hate me lol. I think he does come across as a dick at times like the way he talks about women and ate that live goldfish 🙄. But after seeing how his mom and stepdad treated him when he was a kid I kinda felt bad for him and could see why he acted the way he did (when he was older) at times. I do think that his personality was/is very broish and he could seem a little douchey and immature at times. But to be fair I don’t think he acted any worse than axl or other rockers from his generation. I’ve read a lot of rock star bios and tbh I thought that Keith richards came across more dickish than Matt and I say that as a major Keith/Rolling Stones fan. I still love Keith but he didn’t come across as super likeable in his own book. I went into Matt’s thinking I would really dislike him based on what I saw others were saying but I actually like him a little more now than I did before reading it. Maybe that’ll change the further I get into the book but I’d love to hear your thoughts on him. Sorry for the long ass post!

Honestly I skipped/skimmed A LOT FROM his book, only reading some parts during when he was in GnR then Velvet Revolver, and he is totally far from the worst guy, you are totally right. I think why I probably felt so negatively about him was because there was nothing to endear him to me in the start, I just didn't care too much about him, only wanting to read his bio just to get more info/stories about Duff and Slash! So I basically felt nothing positive nor negative, and after reading the leaked bio, he was more in the negative while before he was simply a 0 if that makes sense?

Honestly he is/was an angel compared in Axl in terms of like being professional about performing on time etc, and while he didn't behave any differently than most rock musicians in regards to women and groupies, he came off smarmy, smug, and condescending to me at certain spots that again tipped the scales towards the negative and just nothing about him appealed to me at any level except his nice friendship with Duff (although I felt he was more like Slash and Duff's third wheel but I am BIASED lol)

It also has been quite some time since I've read his leaked bio, so maybe re-reading I probably wouldn't be so harsh, also most of my mockery of him is just not that deep/serious since I truly do not know the guy, nor any of them honestly.

[themoonobserved]

Grandma's funeral this weekend.

Going to try and be on my best 'don't tear anyone's head off despite being pregnant' ladylike behavior, despite having to see the brother who abused me, my mother pushing me to have a relationship with him/his new gf, my aunts who are hopefully not going to bilk me out of the money they owe me for event services, further aunt drama with me/aunts/my mom, not to mention any number of ridiculous cousins who may or may not make an appearance.

Pregnancy just being made more public within the family is going to make me the center of attention unfortunately, something I could really do without.

All of this has left me with no time to even think about how I feel about my grandmother (finally) passing after a years long battle with dementia. My mother feels next to nothing allegedly, because to her, her mother died a long time ago. My aunts are beside themselves but also pushing for 'less ugly photos' of my grandmother in the memorial slideshow.

I was one of nearly a dozen of her grandchildren, so I definitely felt a lot closer to my paternal grandmother, who practically raised me as a young child while my mother worked 50+ hour weeks and carried on an almost decade long affair with her boss (my now deceased stepfather) and my father partied, traveled, ran his business, and was generally useless when he wasn't abusive (particularly to my older brother who abused me in turn).

Last year I was able to help her personally so that my aunt (the most beside herself, now in remission from very serious cancer) could go to Hawaii with my mother and aunts to celebrate her birthday. She needed to be transferred from the hospital after breaking her hip, back into memory care. My uncle, who suffered a severe psychotic break during lockdown was also in need of my help during this transfer.

My grandmother had no idea who I was, but was always happy to see me. I entertained her, checked in with the nurses, brought her flowers, visited her every day. Supervised the transfer. I made sure my uncle ate. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. I'd take him out. It was all on the trust so it was no biggie.

Everything went through without a hitch. At the end of the trip, I had to check out of my hotel and the flight I was booked on didn't leave until 7pm. I killed six hours by taking the bus to Pacific Grove and writing at the library by the hospital (as I killed many hours on that trip), eating a celebratory re-draft lunch at Peppers (my favorite Mexican place in PG, right next to the library), and walking the long coastal walkway, all with my suitcase and backpack. Got offered free food by a homeless guy on a bike, which I appreciated. Between my big thrifted leathers, my suitcase (the one my stepdad bought just before he died), and my weird red sunglasses I stuck out like a sore thumb.

Later when my aunts and mother realized this gap they'd programmed into my travel they tried to apologize, looking incredibly foolish imo. All of them are seasoned travelers and would never end up in this situation themselves.

All this to say, I did what I could for my grandmother when she was alive, my aunts and mother take me for granted, and in the future (aka this weekend) I plan to stick up for myself and my boundaries. For myself, my husband, and my baby. Because if I don't take care of myself, who is going to take care of the baby?

Anyways, if you read all of this, thanks. A little bit of void screaming to keep from going crackers.

[pointofreturn]

shoulders back, chin up

I scramble around my teenage bedroom, looking for something to wear. Clothes pile on the floor as I discard item after item, irritated I can’t find something flattering.

“Honey, are you in here?” My grandmother walks in, a bright smile matching her clear blue eyes.

I called her Grammie when I was younger, but when my sister Liv was born, she couldn’t say Grammie, so Grammie became Mimi.

“Are you almost ready?”

I turn to Mimi with tears in my eyes. She doesn’t know it, but body dysmorphia is drowning me in a shallow pool of vanity. I open my mouth and start crying.

She rushes over and embraces me. “What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”

 The child still in me is ready to tantrum. “No! I hate everything! None of these clothes fit. Everything makes me look fat! I hate myself!”

Mimi is quiet for a moment. Her face wears concern but shaded with understanding, not fear. She gently turns us, so our eyes meet in the mirror.

“I know I’ve told you this before, but I want to tell you again. Whenever you’re feeling anxious or insecure or self-loathing, just remember: shoulders back, chin up, and a smile on your face.”

*

I lived with Mimi for the first six years of my life. Despite the misfortune of an absent father, I was blessed to have her as a second parent. Every night, Mimi and I ate dinner together before she would sing or read me to sleep. She picked me up and dropped me off at school. She bought my first Hooked on Phonics and taught me to read. She took me to the park and the pool and the beach and to visit my mom bartending our local Chili’s. I think those were the happiest years—when it was just us three girls.

I was very attached to Mimi. We raced each other to her bed at night as I preferred to sleep with her. She always let me win and steal her spot on the left side, where I still sleep in my own bed. I cried every day when she took me to school. The teacher would put a small chair in front of the window, and I watched Mimi leave while the other kids started the day. I know she hated to be apart from me too because she visited during her lunch breaks. I’d press my face against the playground’s chain-linked fence, as close to her as possible, begging her to pick me up early. I felt safe with Mimi. She was my protector. She was the only form of stability I ever had.

When my mom and stepdad had Olivia, they got married, and we left Mimi to live in a new home with our new family. Liv and I still spent many weekends at Mimi’s new apartment in Galt Mile. She moved in with her boyfriend, Buzz, a transplant from a small town in Kentucky. He had a mythical and strange life just like an interdimensional traveler, spending most of his life in loud barrooms up to no good. Buzz calmed down by the time he met Mimi, ready to settle into the family he’d never had for himself.

Our sleepover routine was dancing to oldies, playing board games, and ordering pizza from the Italian restaurant downstairs. Liv and I slept on the pull-out couch, tasting the humid salt air on our tongues, watching Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter late into the night. When we woke, Buzz would make us pizza omelets with the leftovers and we’d walk across the street to Lauderdale Beach, sticky with sweat before baptizing ourselves in the Atlantic.

Buzz was the love Mimi waited for her whole life. He brought light and happiness back into her life after years of heartbreak. They traveled all over the world—ski trips in Austria and Aspen, cruises through the Caribbean, the winter Olympics in Utah. I’m sure neither of them expected those youthful joys later in life, and I grew up believing Mimi had finally found her soulmate. Later, I found out she hated skiing.

*

I stand in Mimi’s apartment, trying to disguise my impatience and discomfort. It’s a melting summer day just after my 31st birthday and, for some reason, Buzz won’t keep the AC below 78.

“She’s bad today,” he says before heading over to the pool.

I try to get her attention again. “Meem, I don’t think you’re going to need a hat inside. It’s too hot to eat outside right now.”

“I know, I know, but I like to have it just in case. Which one do you think is better?”

She tries on two straw hats. One round with a blue bow and the other duck-billed with a white bow. She looks through the mirror for my approval.

“Hmmm…I think the blue. It matches your pants!”

The same pants she’s worn the last three times I’ve seen her. The same shirt too. And shoes. They’re not dirty; she just refuses to wear anything but this one outfit.

She tries both on again. Looks in the mirror.

“Ugh…No, no no. Ugly! Ugly!!”

“What’s ugly? The hats?”

She turns around to face me, throwing everything on the table.

“No, me! I’m ugly!” She stomps into the corner, staring at the wall.

I don’t know what to say, but I understand exactly how she feels. I shatter thinking about the mental prison she lives in while having no idea she’s trapped. It’s a feeling I’m all too familiar with. I look around and spot a blue Tommy Bahama hat in the kitchen.

I place it on her head. “Don’t say that Mimi, you’re perfect. What about this? I think this is the one.”

She adjusts the hat, smiles and laughs with me. She looks like herself again.

“Oh okay…let’s get out of here. Do you have a car? By the way, where do you live?”

*

When I was 13, we moved from Broward County to Palm Beach. My parents decided after years of rentals that we would build a house where Mimi and Buzz could live with us. We later moved into “The Compound,” our dream home that was far from a dream. Our family had some of its darkest moments in that house, but we all wished for it back again after it was gone in the 2008 recession. Mimi and Buzz moved back east to Boynton, where they still live today.

Mimi knew how much I was struggling when we lived at The Compound, though we never spoken openly about it. One night, after I was assaulted, she rubbed my hair while I cried in her lap. Without saying a word to explain myself, she told me about the time she had been assaulted. When I finally asked for help with my eating disorder, she paid for my expensive inpatient treatment without hesitation. She intuitively understood what I needed, even when I didn’t. She always told me that I didn’t have to be defined by the bad things I’d been through.

I don’t remember exactly when we noticed something was wrong. It came on slow and malignant, a dark shadow clouding over her bright light. Mimi was forgetting things she normally remembered. She’d grown more irritable and paranoid. There were a few crisis points: when she got lost on the way home and the police had to find her, the first time she thought Buzz was a stranger breaking into her house, the night she called crying because she knew something was wrong with her mind but couldn’t explain it.

Even though she asked for help, we never got a proper medical diagnosis. Like all our other family issues, we waited and waited and let her decline without any intervention. Mom tried to take her to the doctor a few times but fearing Mimi’s wrath, never completed the testing. She never took any medication. Now, several years later, she’s a hollowed-out version of herself. There are still flashes of the real Mimi, but there is an undeniable emptiness about her. She lingers like the living dead, a ghost of her former being.

*

I arrive to find her on the porch, chain-smoking Capri Magenta 120s and sipping on a cold Coke for breakfast. Mimi sits in her rocking chair, a bowl of twelve lighters next to her ashtray, heels perched on a footstool, looking out to the cul-de-sac to see which neighbors are passing with no attempt to hide her nosiness.

She’s with it today.

I take her to BurgerFi because lately she’ll only eat a hamburger or tuna, limiting our lunch options. She can’t decide if she likes the food or not. She’s firm on the fries, which I agree are too burnt. Then within the same minute she tells that she loves the burger and it’s the worst thing she’s ever had in her life. I tell her we’ll go to Five Guys next time.

We get back in the car.

“So where are we going next?” She’s happy, chipper even. She doesn’t always want to continue our outings.

“Hmmm, well where would you like to go?”

“Oh, I don’t know…Just somewhere we can walk around and look at stuff.”

I drive around the mall, trying to find something tolerable for both of us.

“What about Dollar Tree? Bet you haven’t been there since everything only cost a dollar.”

“It’s not a dollar anymore?”

“Dollar twenty-five! Inflation!”

She laughs, hard. I feel good when I make her laugh.

We look at the silly, cheap Halloween and Christmas decorations out on display even earlier this year. I let myself wander and Mimi follows behind. I touch a few things here and there—a pack of stickers, a bottle of soap, a mini bag of Reese’s, a soft teddy bear. I turn around to make sure she’s not lollygagging too far. I find her with arms full of everything I touched.

“I want to buy these things for you! This is what you liked, right?”

I struggle to stay composed as we check out. She picks up the teddy bear from the cashier, gives it a kiss, and hands it to me.

“A little fuzzy friend for you. I love you.”

I simmer my emotions until I drop her off. But as soon as I’m alone, I sob. I hold the teddy bear to my chest and cry until I can’t breathe, until my throat swells shut, until my brain feels like it will leak from my ears. I’m not sure how, but she still feels the desire to provide for me, even if it’s just some silly things from Dollar Tree. Mimi is both here and there, caught between worlds. When I see her, I am sick with longing, though she hasn’t completely departed yet. At least she still intuits who I am to her.

*

Alzheimer’s and dementia are the cruelest diseases. The more open I am with people about this experience, the more I come to realize how common this devastation is. Mimi continues to devolve, remains homebound, barely remembers anything through the day. A few months ago, Mom asked me to become her caretaker in exchange for payments from her insurance while I continue to search for employment. It was better option than hiring a stranger, and now, I think there is a divine reason I’ve been positioned to care for her, as she cared for me.

It is impossible at times to carry the weight of her mental absence amid her continued physical presence. A violence rips through me when I see such distance behind her beautiful blue eyes, to witness the shadows in her mind as her conscious light slowly dims. Sometimes I can’t help myself from crying when I see her recognize who I am. The fog lifts, she holds my face, repeating how beautiful I am and how grown up I look. Despite the gray matter decline, Mimi is healthier than most 80-year-olds. She could easily live another 10 or 15 years.

I know she’ll never return to who she was. I try to avoid ruminating on what I should have done while she was lucid, but sometimes I fall into the void of what-ifs. What if I had asked her more about her life and her struggles? What if I been more open with her about my darkness? But dwelling on the past robs the present. Her body is still alive on this earth even if her mind is elsewhere. Taking our time together for granted would be foolish.

For now, I’m grateful she remembers who I am. When she sees me, she lights up with the same smile I’ve trusted my whole life. Her energy persists and I always find ways to bring it out. I know the inevitable outcome is that the dementia will get worse. She will continue deteriorating and eventually, she will forget me. Too often, I fear sharing my memories with the world. I wonder if there is a point in writing it all down. I tell myself no one will ever want to read my work. But as I watch Mimi forget her life, her experiences, her identity, suddenly something in my mind shifts. Maybe it is more important to remember than I thought.

*

It’s a bad day again. At noon the lights are off, and Mimi is still sleeping. She jumps as I wake her, cursing me for scaring her. She grudgingly gets up and isn’t pleased to see me. She’s not usually like this so I give her grace, offer to pick out her outfit, and ask if she’s hungry. She’s always hungry, and usually in a better mood after she eats.

We get in the car, ready to continue our never-ending quest for her favorite burger place. But when we get to Five Guys, she hesitates to get out.

She looks at me with a sour face, motioning to her stomach. “I don’t feel good.”

“What do you mean? Are you nauseous?”

“No, not like that…Not sick. It’s like…” She can’t find the words. Her mouth moves but nothing comes out. Tears line her eyes. She waves her hands, trying to conjure the cognition from thin air. I understand exactly what she means.

“Do you feel anxious? Like butterflies in your stomach but not in a good way?”

She looks at me with relief, nodding rapidly. “Yes…That! That’s what I’m feeling!”

“I understand, trust me.” I take her hand and look into those familiar blue eyes. “You know, someone once taught me a great trick for that.”

“Really? Does it help?”

“I think so! You can try and let me know.”

“Well, tell me!”

“Alright,” I pull open the sun visor mirror. “You have to do some movements, so I want you to see yourself. First, let’s fix your posture. Shoulders back.”

I move my shoulders back and stick my chest out. She mimics.

“Perfect! Now, chin up.” I tap my finger under her whiskery chin.

We both look in the reflection with our shoulder back, chins up.

“That’s it! Okay, now, finally, the most important part.”

“What’s that?”

“A smile on your face.”

I make an exaggerated smile at her in the mirror. She smiles back and laughs, hard.

“That’s it?”

“Yup…Those three things: shoulders back, chin up, and a smile on your face. Best anxiety cure there is.”

She beams at me with her chin up and her shoulders back. She looks like herself again.

“I love that! Thank you honey, I’m going to remember this one.”

[girltomboy]

I woke up, made and ate breakfast before 12pm today, had this pressing desire to cook, and boiled an egg (lol) while researching multiple recipes for liver and onions, to maximize their joint slay. The liver is currently defrosting, I have the onions, I have the spices, I have the pot, ingredients and energy necessary for corn meal, I have the pickles AND the excitement to cook something new. My mom started texting me like nothing happened last night, after some more passive aggressive back and forth, threats, etc. She just randomly started asking me how I've been, what the weather has been like, stuff like this mid-argument. I honestly can't understand her & her intentions, she still seemed bitter that I don't intend to end my relationship with my partner of 4 years just because she said so, and also mentioned that I was right about what I said regarding adding my bf & his mom to her facebook friend list. And that she removed them since. So okay at least there's some integrity in that, and we just talked a bit about what she and my stepdad have been doing; she said she already got back from grandma's house & they're planning on going abroad in a week or so, for some errands my stepdad has to run there. I tried to talk to her normally, like follow her switch up and just ask her stuff, answer her casual questions, etc. But tbh I still feel differently about her.

ANYWAY before cooking I want to do some yoga finally, I did some stretching just now but I just ate and it felt uncomfortable. After a belly massage and some rest I'll get to work, I really miss and need it. Then I'll cook and probably eat, and then I'll dye my hair "cool pearly brown" lol and take a shower. THEN I hope my bf will want to watch one piece with me, otherwise we'll just play games with our friends on discord all day again, and then we'll end up watching breaking bad all evening. Frankly, the second option is a lot more attractive to me, but then he'll be sad that we haven't watched one piece in a looong time. Which is true but I don't really feel like it now that we're so invested in breaking bad.

[apollo-zero-one]

My parents threw out our couch and brought in a pair of recliners to replace it.

We technically still have a couch but it's always piled high with things and is positioned too close to the TV for my sensory issues, so only my little sister ever sits there.

The kitchen table is in our living room but it is piled high with mail and sewing projects and medication and Things That Must Not Be Moved. The chairs are covered in clothes and fabric and Things That Cannot Be Thrown Out.

My parents each sit in a recliner. My little sister died at her little personal child table. The TV is always on. If I want to join them... I can sit on the floor beside the piles of mess that I am not allowed to touch, or sit on one of the little child-sized chairs I am three times too big for, to watch the shows that I hate, while my stepdad is too zoned into his computer to care and my mom is watching her copaganda shows she loves.

They get mad at me for sitting on the stairs, but it's the closest I can comfortably sit to them. So when I am shooed off the stairs, I go to my room.

This house is not my house. It has been feeling less and less like my house for some time now, but the recliners were really the last straw.

They aren't even comfortable. My parents threw out the couch. There is literally, physically no space for me in the family room. We have no kitchen table. We have no kitchen chairs. I am told not to sit on the stairs. At least they have stopped asking why I take my food up to my room with me.

I resent the recliners and what they represent in my mind. There isn't space for me in this house anymore. Why do you not want me to leave and yet crowd me into a corner? Why are you surprised to never see me anymore when you have taken away the space I used to occupy? I am not allowed to uncover the kitchen table. I am not allowed to carve out my own spot. What am I supposed to do?

I already am living in my bedroom. I have my own little pantry in here because of the ordeal that is the kitchen- I don't know where anything is. When I try to organize it, I'm told it's bad, don't do that, we knew where things were. I didn't. The food is for everyone, except for that, and that, and that. Why do you keep asking permission to eat the food that belongs to everyone? Someone ate the last can of soup and Mom is furious. Eat the leftovers or they'll go bad. No! That was someone's packed lunch! No! We were looking forward to eating that all day and you've gone and eaten it, and you didn't even enjoy it! Why do you bother writing the expiration date on the milk? No one remembers when it was opened and if we did we wouldn't tell you because you need to worry less about things like the milk spoiling.

Anything that belongs to you that we find while cleaning the living room is going into the trash so you had better pull all your things out. You aren't allowed to disturb any of the Very Important Piles and we will be very upset if anything has been moved when we get home. But none of your stuff had better be in them.

Oh yeah we threw out your mail. What was in it? We don't know, didn't look important. Oh you were expecting something? Maybe you should have gotten the mail yourself then. You just woke up and didn't have the chance yet? Why don't you wake up earlier?

Why don't you ever do anything around the house? Don't touch that. Don't mess with that. It would be nice if someone cleaned this living room. No, you may not throw anything away. It would be nice if someone cleaned this kitchen. No, not like that!

I'm taking up less and less and less space and trying more and more and more to earn my place. I'm pulling in and in and in. Why do I contribute so much to groceries that I am too afraid to use most of? When I am mostly eating from the 'snack hoard' that took over my sock drawer? I'm too scared to touch anything in the kitchen and I buy my own cans of peaches that I eat with the same plastic fork I have been rewashing in the bathroom sink for two weeks. No, nothing's wrong.

My ears are tired. I never leave my room when someone else is home because they turn the TV on and talk to me and my ears are tired. I'm tired. I can't deal with everyone. I can't deal with anyone. I am trying to be smaller and quieter and slip through the small spaces that are left. I am trying to get out the door before anyone can ask where I'm going. I'm trying to get from the door back to my room before I'm seen. I'm trying to get back to where I'm safe. Where the space is mine and not a minefield.

Other people's houses have invisible rules. Mine does too. You don't know what your rules are to tell people because they are just normal for you. When did the rules stop making sense? When did the invisible rules become barriers instead of guidelines?

Why did they throw out the couch and then ask me why I don't sit downstairs anymore?